This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
(In front of the main curtain at centerstage, we see the silhouette of MILLIE in her Sunday best, a suitcase in each hand, her back to us. Slowly, SHE turns around. SHE has guts, pluck, charisma, moxie… SHE’s either very scared or very excited, or perhaps both.)
“Not for the Life of Me”
MILLIE I STUDIED ALL THE PICTURES IN MAGAZINES AND BOOKS I MEMORIZED THE SUBWAY MAP, TOO. IT’S ONE BLOCK NORTH TO MACY’S AND TWO TO BROTHERS BROOKS MANHATTAN, I PREPARED FOR YOU. YOU CERTAINLY ARE DIFF’RENT FROM WHAT THEY HAVE BACK HOME WHERE NOTHIN’S OVER THREE STORIES HIGH AND NO ONE’S IN A HURRY, OR WANTS TO ROAM. BUT I DO! THOUGH THEY WONDER WHY. THEY SAID I WOULD SOON BE GOOD AND LONELY THEY SAID I WOULD SING THE HOMESICK BLUES. SO I ALWAYS HAVE THIS TICKET IN MY POCKET, (Removes a train ticket from her pocket.) A TICKET HOME IN MY POCKET TO DO WITH AS I CHOOSE…. (Studies the ticket, then tears it in two.) BURN THE BRIDGE. BET THE STORE. BABY’S COMIN’ HOME NO MORE. NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME. BREAK THE LOCK. POST MY BAIL. DONE MY TIME, I’M OUTTA JAIL. ALL: NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME. A LIFE THAT’S GOTTA BE MORE THAN A ONE-LIGHT TOWN WHERE THE LIGHT IS ALWAYS RED. GOTTA BE MORE THAN AN OLD GHOST TOWN WHERE THE GHOST AIN’T EVEN DEAD CLAP-A-YOUR HANDS, JUST-A-BECAUSE DON’CHA KNOW THAT WHERE I AM AIN’T WHERE I WAS. NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME. YOU SEE I GOTTA BE MORE THAN A COUNTRY WIFE MAKIN’ BABIES TILL I CROAK. GOTTA BE ORE THAN THE LEADING ROLE
IN A FARMER’S DAUGHTERS JOKE. DAYS OF YORE, KIND AND GENTLE, ASK ME IF I’M SENTIMENTAL. NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME! BOH-DOH-DEE-OH. NOT FOR THE LIFE OF… NOT FOR THE LIFE OF NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME!
“Thoroughly Modern Millie”
(MAIN CURTIAN is open. New York City comes to life around her as stylishly dressed MALE MODERNS enter S.L. and S.R.) MALE MODERNS GROUP 1 THERE ARE THOSE, MALE MODERNS GROUP 2 THERE ARE THOSE, MALE MODERNS GROUP 1 I SUPPOSE, MALE MODERNS GROUP 2 I SUPPOSE, MALE MODERNS GROUP 1 THINK WE’RE MAD. MALE MODERNS GROUP 2 THINK WE’RE MAD. MALE MODERNS GROUP 1 HEAVEN KNOWS, MALE MODERNS GROUP 2 HEAVEN KNOWS, MALE MODERNS GROUP 1 HEAVEN KNOWS, ALL MALE MODERNS THE WORLD HAS GONE TO RACK AND TO RUIN. (FEMALE MODERNS enter SR., each one better than the next.) FEMALE MODERN 1 WHAT WE THINK IS CHIC. FEMALE MODERN 2 UNIQUE, FEMALE MODERN 3 AND FEMALE MODERN 4 AND QUITE ADORABLE,
ALL FEMALE MODERNS THEY THINK IS ODD AND “SODOM AND GOMORRAH”-BLE! MILLIE (Determined to fit in.) BUT THE FACT IS, EVERYTHING TODAY IS THOROUGHLY MODERN. MODERNS GROUP 1: (To MILLIE.) CHECK YOUR PERSONALITY MILLIE EVERYTHING TODAY MAKES YESTERDAY SLOW. MODERNS GROUP 2: (To MILLIE.) BETTER FACE REALITY. MILLIE IT’S NOT INSANITY, SAYS VANITY FAIR. IN FACT, IT’S STYLISH TO MILLIE RAISE YOUR SKIRTS AND BOB YOUR HAIR! FEMALE MODERNS GROUP 1 RAISE YOUR SKIRTS AND BOB YOUR HAIR. BOB YOUR HAIR! FEMALE MODERNS GROUP 2 RAISE YOUR SKIRTS AND BOB YOUR HAIR! MILLIE: HAVE YOU SEEN THE WAY THEY KISS IN THE MOVIES? MALE MODERNS: ISN’T IT DELECTABLE? MILLIE AND FEMALE MODERNS PAINTING LIPS AND PENCIL LINING YOUR BROW, NOW IS QUITE RESPECTABLE MILLIE (With resolve.) GOOD-BYE, GOOD GOODY GIRL, I’M CHANGING, AND HOW! (MILLIE exits SR, suitcases in hand.) ALL: SO BEAT THE DRUMS, ‘CAUSE HERE COMES THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE NOW! WHAT WE THINK IS CHIC, UNIQUE, AND QUITE ADORABLE, THEY THINK IS ODD AND “SODOM AND GOMORRAH” – BLE! BUT THE FACT IS, EVERYTHING TODAY IS THOROUGHLY MODERN. ALL MALE MODERNS BANDS ARE GETTING JAZZIER.
Don’t think cute: think determined. ‘CAUSE HERE COMES THOROUGHLYHOT OFF THE PRESS! ONE STEP AHEAD! JAZZ AGE! WHOOPEE BABY! WE’RE SO THOROUGHLY MODERNMILLIE MILLIE! ALL NOW! “Millie Gets Mugged” (A flock of MODERNS walk by MILLIE. WHAT THEY’RE FORGETTING IS (MILLIE enters SR.I. Note that through the following exchange. SHE is now a full-fledged. her hat and one shoe.) ALL: GOOD-BYE.) MILLIE: THIS IS 1922! (MILLIE and MODERNS dance.ALL: EVERYTHING TODAY IS STARTING TO GO.) Miss. ALL: MEN SAY IT’S CRIMINAL WHAT WOMEN’LL DO. minus her scarf. ALL FEMALE MODERNS CARS ARE GETTING SNAZZIER. who is crossing S.) MILLIE: That man. MILLIE trips him. MODERNS exit in all directions paying no attention to the crime THEY just witnessed. GOOD GOODY GIRL. AND HOW! MILLIE: I’M CHANGING. AND HOW! ALL SO BEAT THE DRUMS. In a moment of desperation. Their dueling dialogue quickly becomes a competition to see who will shut whom up. ignoring MILLIE) Miss? Miss?! (From SL enter JIMMY SMITH. JIMMY lands hard on the sidewalk. pleased at his victory. he stole my purse! JIMMY: Watch where you’re going.) Excuse me.) Help! Police! Somebody…! (MILLIE seeks help from a MALE MODERN crossing SR to SL.) MILLIE: Gimme back my purse! (MUGGER wins. some man grabbed my purse. (JIMMY silences MILLIE.) . without even having heard MILLIE. When they clear. why don’cha? You don’t own the sidewalk lady. a brash city clicker with an irrepressible. he stole my purse! That man. The MUGGERS also walk by crossing from SL to SR. and every second that passes decreases the likelihood of her doing so. sir. I’M CHANGING. engrossed in the latest issue of Vanity Fair. MILLIE and MUGGES are playing tug-of-war with her purse. dynamic with the freedom to change. exiting SL with her purse.) JIMMY: Owwwwww! (MILLIE and JIMMY start talking simultaneously. to SR. so MILLIE approaches a FEMALE MODERN.R. and he –(FEMALE MODERN exits SL. My purse was(MALE MODERN exits S. head-to-toe modern: bobbed hair and short skirt. buoyant personality. MILLIE is not abrupt for abruptness’s sake: SHE wants to get her purse back. SHE is in the exact same position.
You ain't got nothin'. “Do I belong here?” ‘Cause New York is great. and SHE recoils.) MILLIE: (Reads what HE wrote. (JIMMY takes a pen from his pocket and writes on MILLIE's hand. butAny friends or family nearby? No. To her surprise. Girls like you arrive here every day. I meant to trip you. They're used to girls who can't pay. Oh. laughing at the small-town sound of Salina. wire home for train fare. my scarf. Well.) Hey. Ten minutes in this town. but I feel for you. (JIMMY starts to exit S.) Listen. and I’m not talkin’ cash. so full of dreams you may as well be sleepwalking. JIMMY SR clearly annoyed. Your folks will be only too . I feel for you. Check yourself in.) And who are you. (Indicating her bare foot. I said I was doing you a good deed. to continue her search for help. butAnd you don't have a job? No.R.) The "Hotel Priscilla"? JIMMY : A rooming house for actresses. and I have my New York horror story. get a good night's sleep. (This takes the wind out of MILLIE's sails. then first thing tomorrow.) MILLIE: But it’s every penny I have! JIMMY: (HE stops. but the cost of living is high.) JIMMY: MILLIE: JIMMY: MILLIE: JIMMY: MILLIE: I'm trying to by telling you the way it is! Look.) They stole your shoe? While I was wearing it.R.) Salina. rottenMy purse is gone! (As in “What do you want me to do about it?”) My hat. I’ll cross the street the next time I see you. but- JIMMY: No buts. why not ask youself. I’d make a beeline back to Keokuck or Gopherville orMILLIE (Defiantly. Of all the dirty. MILLIE calls after him. now that you’re awake. Kansas. JIMMY: Honey. And I can’t help thinking if I were in your shoe.. you’re my New York horror story. JIMMY reaches for her hand.(JIMMY exits S .JIMMY: MILLIE: JIMMY: MILLIE: JIMMY: And? MILLIE: my shoe! JIMMY: MILLIE: Learn to share it with the rest of us. the un-welcome wagon? (SHE starts to exit SL. you got a place to stay? No.
NOR FOR THE LIFE OF ME BOH-DOH-DEE-OH. CORA. BROKEN HEART.. but it sure is good to be back in my own bed. mister whoever-you-are?! (Crossing center. ALICE. KIND AND GENTLE. RITA..) ‘Not for the Life of Me’ Tag MILLIE THEY SAID I WOULD SING THE HOMESICK BLUES. DREAMS THAT DIE BEFORE YOU START. pal! The Woolworth Building! The Met Life Tower! There's gold in them there hills.) "Well. " There is a tiny elevator in the center. I had my big adventure. NOT FORTH E LIFE OF.OF. LUCILLE AND RITA A LIFE THAT’S GOTTA BE MORE THAN A ONE-LIGHT TOWN .) I ain't got nothin'. (All those Western states sound alike.. NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME! (MILLIE exits defiantly SL.. leaving MILLI E alone and dispirited.) And who needs you. NOT FOR THE LIFE. shaped like a birdcage and barely big enough for two. and a sign: "No tapping in lobby. SARA. and you may not believe me now. (An exaggerated imitation of a hick.. On USL.) You'll say to yourself. (Spoken.) DAYS OF YORE. a curtain/door which leads to MRS MEERS' office. GLORIA. was it? (MILLIE nods “yes”.) SCENE 2 (The lobby of the Hotel Priscilla." (JIMMY exits SR.. a modest establishment.glad to send it.) So I ain't got nothin' to lose! Who needs a hat? Who needs a purse? (Calling towards off-stage right. is a front desk. Above the desk is a rack with keys. and I'm gonna get it or die trying! (Sings. BET THE STORE. MOTHER MINE.) ALL BURN THE BRIDGE. regarding JIMMY. Residence for Young Ladies.) Kansas. but once you return to… uh. are looking at the pages of Variety. and behind it. ASK ME IF I'M SENTIMENTAL. DEAR. RUTH.) 'Cause I'm a pioneer woman. MILLIE: (Gathering strength and determination with each word.. OLD AND GRAY AT TWENTY-NINE. GRANNY.. MABEL and LUCILLE. CALLOUSED HANDS. The entrance is USR. but by no means dirty or rundown. BABY'S COMING HOME NO MORE. NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME.
"White Slavery. ME. Gloria.) No. y'all. Read him right. The headline! "White Slavery!" RITA: (Reading from the newspaper.” SHE speaks with a southern drawl) ETHEL: Girls. . ALICE: RUTH : GLORIA: RITA : ALL : ME.) "Innocent girls forced into lives of licentiousness and degradation!" . GLORIA (The old-timer.WHERE THE LIGHT IS ALWAYS RED. JUST BECAUSE WHERE I AM AIN'T WHERE I WAS! NOT FOR THE LIFE OF LUCILLE & MABEL: CORA & SARA : ME.speaking voice. ME. A little lived in. (ETHEL PEAS enters in a panic.) Can you believe old man Harris wouldn't even audition me for the latest Kaufman play? SARA : Oh. waving a tabloid newspaper that boasts a huge headline. ME. I long to be like you.) "Manhattan's Most Eligible Bachelors!" ETHEL: (As the GIRLS "Ooob "and "Aaah” regarding the bachelor item. ALICE AND CORA GOTTA BE MORE THAN A ONE-LIGHT TOWN WHERE THE LIGHT ISGLORIA AND RUTH GOTTA BE MORE THAN A ONE-LIGHT TOWN ALL GOTTA BE MORE THAN AN OLD GHOST TOWN WHERE THE GHOST AIN'T EVEN DEAD. NOT FORTH E LIFE OF ME! RUTH: (In a nasal. too. ALICE : Me. CLAP YOUR HANDS. have y'all seen the Daily Graphic? ALICE: (Zeroing in on it tiny item at the top corner of the front page. BOH-DOH-DEE-OH. NOT FOR THE LIFE OF. and you read for the role.SHE’s been there almost a month!) It’s all about the office boy.
MEERS: big. Great uncle Cyrus killed. MEERS distributes mail to GIRLS. even her dialect. what with your (Indicating the newspaper. MEERS: What is it Ethel? Not bad news? ETHEL: (Barely able to speak. GLORIA: If we're not shanghaied to Hong Kong! (GIRLS.) MRS. With her head. Her disguise extends to her clothes." (MRS. Who knew an office job was harder to land than a part in a show? She's played the early bird every day this week. MEERS:"Miss Ethel Peas. girls.) LUCILLE: That's our cue.. MEERS enters from her office. but it's essential that SHE think it brilliant. exit USR. giggling. as in “Good grief!”) Ethel's right. Cora. A former actress-turnedcriminal SHE. We'll make you proud. MRS MEERS reads it. cross to the door. MRS. They're shipped to the Orient where they're sold as streetwalkers! That's one way to meet a man! ETHEL: (A Southern expression. But no worm to show for it. seemingly in a state of shock. you gotta read this..) Don't fuss. whose sudden disappearance often goes unnoticed. Stop. emergency fund from home.)But Mrs.) "Dozens are believed to be missing. Though none of you need worry. utilizes her acting skills by adopting the disguise of a kindly Chinese proprietress of the hotel to mask her real profession: White Slavery.) Ruthie. her wig.. minus ETHEL. Lucille.) MRS. MRS. Hotel Priscilla. MRS. MEERS: And the rest of you? Why. ETHEL: Sad to be all alone in the world. Ethel! Maybe you landed a role! (ETHEL crosses to the front desk as GIRLS "Oooh "and "Aaah" regarding her telegram. (SHE hands MRS MEERS the telegram. ETHEL remains at the front desk. Millie Dillmount? Where is she? ALICE: SARA: RUTH: GLORIA: LUCILLE: Pounding the pavement.) No! You gotta read this: it's a telegram. Meersie. poor kid. I still recall how a then unknown Helen Hayes rose with the (THEY've heard it before. Millie. Rita. Regret to inform you.. Gloria. Listen: (Reading from the newspaper. Meers. mostly orphans. warm families. For you. Alice. her make-up. MEERS (Snatching the newspaper away from ETHEL. minus ETHEL. This is creepy..GLORIA: ETHEL: MABEL: So they're actresses? It's no joke.. RITA: (As GIRLS.) MRS. . It's not important that MRS. MEERS’ "Chinese” act be good. carrying a stack of mail.) Good night! My uncle.
MEERS: Mrs.MEERS hangs up. MEERS switches the "VACANCY" sign and exits into her office. . MEERS’ off ice. No brothers. Aha.) Well. MEERS 'office. MEERS: Cousins? Aunts? Anyone to keep tab on you? ETHEL: Just Uncle Cy and me. cash only. MILLIE enters USR and crosses to front desk. What's there to think about? This offer good for a limited time only.) Coming. But step into my office and enjoy a soothing cup of green tea. I give you two minutes to pack your things or you find them on the street. SHE drops the "Chinese " accent. MEERS’ office as MRS. dear. MEERS: (Answers phone.) Hotel Priscilla. ETHEL: What family? My parents died when I was a baby. so order now 'Attaboy. (Hangs up the phone and turns nasty on a dime. Oh. MILLIE crosses to MRS.) Hello. MEERS: (Entering just in time to bar MILLIE's entrance to her office. SHE rings the bell) MILLIE: Meersie…hello? (SHE rings again. MEERS grabs the phone and dials.(MRS. on a farm in the middle of nowhere.) You didn't get it.) Authorized personnel only! Now where my rent? MILLIE: I don't have it yetMRS. MEERS: (To ETHEL.) Sad to be all alone in the world. Meers to you.) What a way to go! (Offering mere lip service as SHE. revealing a rough businesswoman with an unmistakably American accent.) Meersie!? MRS. Real dragon lady. you be calm and quiet and ready for a very long nap. no sisters. MRS. Buddha! ETHEL (From inside MRS.) Meersie? MRS. “Little Orphan Ethel” MRS. MEERS: ETHEL: (Stops in her tracks. starts to exit into her office. MRS. (ETHEL exits into MRS. MILLIE: But Meersie- MRS.) It’s me…its Millie. I see! Yes. MEERS: We say today at noon! MILLIE: But I finally found a job that meets all my requirements. (Impatient.) I had no idea. How may I help you? What's that? Millie Dillmount? Job?! (Sounds like good news!) Mmmm. and they said they'd call by…(The phone rings) I bet it's them! MRS. Bye. MEERS (Barely containing her excitement. Buddha? Butterfly here. I got one for you. A southern belle your customers will wanna ring! Pour hundred bucks. In freak threshing accident---" Stop! (Picturing the image of Uncle Cy.Stop. back to the “Chinese” accent. I'd be delighted to give her message. MRS. my condolences to your family. One of the mysteries of the Orient! By the time you finish.
) What are you. The manager's mean.. MRS. the rooms are hot." MILLIE: Don't believe everything you read. An old fashioned beauty. HOW THE OTHER HALF LIVES! . I'LL TAKE THE OYSTER SANS THE PEARL. MISS DOROTHY BROWN enters USR. but her cluelessness in the ways of the real world is in no way haughty. I'd like to inquire after the room for rent. I need the rent. CLIPPING COUPONS. so you take the floor. 1 guess we could room together-for a night or two. and the water always cold. So unless you want a roommateMISS DOROTHY: (Sings. It's a single bed. YEAR AFTER YEAR WITH A SECRET YEN! ALL OF MY PRAYERS.) Put a sock in it..) Well. MISS DOROTHY: Heavens! MILLIE: Trust me. TRY MY HAND AT CANNED CUISINE.) MISS DOROTHY: Excuse me. “How the Other Half Lives” MISS DOROTHY THIS IS LIVING! THIS IS WHAT I CALL LIVING! SINCE HEAVEN KNOWS WHEN. MISS DOROTHY: May I please see the concierge? MILLIE: I don't know what that is. ALL MY DESIRE.) GIVE ME THE MEAT WITHOUT THE GRAVY. sister! (Formulating a plan. despite how odd it may seem to the rest of us. This is her heart's desire. PINCHING PENNIES. MILLIE: (Thinking MISS DOROTHY means MILLIE’s room. A BERLITZ CLASS I LONG TO PASS! HOW THE OTHER HALF. but I know this hotel hasn't got it. it is her charm. that is. MISS DOROTHY has clearly lived in a glass bubble of extreme wealth her entire life. MY HEART AFIRE! I'VE HUNGERED FOR THIS DAY EV'RY WAKING MOMENT WITH MILLIE: (Spoken. you don't want to stay here. There's one room available. and it's mine.) You need a room. SEE A BRAND NEW WORLD UNFURL! LET ME BROWN BAG ALL MY LUNCHES. you're out of luck. MISS DOROTHY: Perfect! (MISS DOROTHY sings without a trace of irony. You had one week on credit and time run out! (MRS. In fact. MEERS exits into her office. SHE is expensively dressed and carries expensive suitcases. MEERS: The other girls are paid in full. listening at the door? Even an ambulance chaser waits for a siren! MISS DOROTHY: The sign says "vacancy.) NOW I'M LIVING! TELL ONE-AND-ALL I'M LIVING— MILLIE:(Spoken.MILLIE: The other girls call you Meersie.
BERGDORF GOODMAN. PAYING PAUL BY ROBBING PETER.) POUR ME THE MILK BUT HOLD THE HONEY.NO FOURTEEN-KARAT CRONIES. MILLIE HOW THE OTHER HALF LIVES! POOR? NOT ME.) But if you can afford the RitzMISS DOROTHY (Sings. SUMMER ON THE ISLE OF CONEY. I WANT AN "ON-THE-DOLE" MATE. THE PRIVILEGED FEW. SUMMER ON THE ISLE OF CONEY. I'LL TURN MY DIALTO RANK AND FILE. MISS DOROTHY : And I'll show you which fork to use. WINTER IN HELL’S KITCHENETTE! MILLIE: (Sings. BOTH: HOW THE OTHER HALF LIVES! MILLIE: (Spoken. I'll show you how to eat on a nickel. HONEY. PHONIES. MATE. LAYAWAY TO BUY MY CLOTHES. LAYAWAY TO BUY MY CLOTHES. PLUS YOU-KNOW-WHO. I'LL MARRY PAUL OR DAVE OR ROB OR PETER.) POUR ME THE MILK BUT HOLD THE HONEY. MILLIE: I'm on the way up! MISS DOROTHY: I'm on the way down! MILLIE: It's a good thing we met in the middle! MISS DOROTHY: (Sings. STORMY-WEATHER FRIENDS. WINTER IN HELL'S KITCHENETTE.) We could be very good for each other. SOUL. MILLIE: (Spoken. I DON'T WANT THOSE MONEY WOES. MILLIE : I'll teach you how to stretch a dollar MISS DOROTHY: And I'll teach you how to invest one. BRING ON THOSE FUNNY MONEY WOES.) POOR? . BRING ON THOSE FUNNY MONEY WOES. SO I CAN BUY MY CLOTHES AT SAKS FIFTH AVENUE. HOW THE OTHER HALF. TOO. HOW THE OTHER HALF- FAIR-WEATHER FRIENDS. PAYING PAUL BY ROBBING PETER.
MILLIE: SO I CAN LEARN. too new woman! MISS DOROTHY You're frightening me! MILLIE: Yeah? Then this'll straighten your curls: I'm going to-marry my boss! MISS DOROTHY: When? MILLIE: I don't know.NOT ME. married. MISS DOROTHY: There’s a difference? I’LL MARY PAUL OR MILLIE: And how! Poor sounds permanent. occasionally with the man you're actually married to. MILLIE: And one of whom must need a stenog! (MRS MEERS enters from her office..) Hey. I've been interviewing boss after boss.. SO I CAN BUY MY CLOTHES AT SAKS FIFTH AVENUE. I haven't got one yet! MISS DOROTHY: Surely you believe that loveMILLIE: Has nothing to do with it! Don't you read Vogue? This month's issue clearly states that modern marriage is a business arrangement. engaged. BERGDORF GOODMAN MISS DOROTHY: A WILD SOJOURN. single-and-I-can-see-whyMISS DOROTHY: Don't you read the tabloids? MISS DOROTHY (Removes a newspaper from her purse and shows it to MILLIE) I find they really capture the flavor of the huddled masses.I DON’T WANT THOSE MONEY WOES DAVE OR ROB OR PETER. MILLIE: "Manhattan's Most Eligible Bachelors. married. still enraged at MILLIE. it's almost too bold. MISS DOROTHY: Where will you find him? MILLIE: The classifieds.. I have a plan so far ahead of its time." MISS DOROTHY: "The movers and shakers that make Manhattan tick!" All of whom need wives. too daring. broke can be fixed. BOTH: LIVIN' LIKE THE OTHER HALF! MISS DOROTHY: My very first poor person! MILLIE: (Her feathers ruffled.) MRS. MEERS: (In "Chinese "accent.) Millie-? . HONEY. I'm broke. but so far. Love comes later. not poor. married.
MRS. are you? MISS DOROTHY: How did you guess? MRS.) MILLIE: (Helping MISS DOROTHY with her luggage as THEY enter the elevator.) This way. MEERS exits into her office. MEERS: (Sizing up her White Slavery potential.. Mail's in. MILLIE: She only just checked in. before you bite my head offMRS. (MILLIE shows MISS DOROTHY how to start the elevator with a tap step and together they tap dance their way towards the twelfth floor. Miss Dorothy. MEERS: (SHUT UP. MEERS: (Shut up. MRS. a nice. MRS. from California. I mean.) Silly Millie. MILLIE: But she chewed my car off not two hours ago about her nonexistent career.) Ethel Peas just check out. MRS. Millie!) Ethel joined an all-girl repertory company for their Mongolian tour. MISS DOROTHY: Where does that leave me? MRS. MEERS: (Too good to be true. I float you another week. warm family. Miss Dorothy? MISS DOROTHY: I'm an orphan. Millie has such a big. Now you have to tap dance to get this thing going. Meersie doesn't bite. right next door to Millie.MILLIE: Mrs. Miss Dorothy. And `other half' lesson number one: some of the girls practice their routines in here on account of the hardwood floor. Millie Dillmount. dear. MILLIE: She's gonna bunk with me.) Now if you'd register Dorothy. MEERS: (Instantly sweet when SHE sees MISS DOROTHY. MILLIE continues to instruct MISS . “How the Other Half Lives” Tag (MRS. Meers. warm family. 1208? But Ethel PeasMRS. MEERS: No need for you to double up. I think it did something to the machinery. (Handing MISS DOROTHY a key) Twelfth floor. MISS DOROTHY: And I'm Miss Dorothy Brown. what can I do for you. MILLIE!) That's show biz! (All sweetness again with a geisha giggle. but tries to cover it. MEERS: (Shut rep. MEERS: An actress. Always some for you. Now.) Are you? Sad to be all alone in the world. sunny room just become available. Dorothy? MISS DOROTHY: Miss Dorothy. do you have such a big. Millie. But who's your friend? MILLIE: We haven't met. MRS. SHE likes what SHE sees!) I've a keen eye for talent. MEERS: As luck would have it. and pay the rent till 1 find a suitable boss. Millie. MILLIE: You mean..
) Bun Fee.MEERS flips through the dictionary until SHE finds the next word. take Ethel to Buddha..) Of course. but you’ll fit right in. so MRS. I can't take all the credit..MEERS Heui Buddha. e. It should only. in the following scene. barking out orders. MILLIE and MISS DOROTHY ad lib lines. Kick.) “Into the Laundry” SCENE 3 (The laundry room of the Hotel Priscilla. (BUN FOO indicates that HE understands.A.) Huh? (MRS. our new arrival is used to the finer things.) MRS. four hundred bucks. MEERS stare to exit S. I studied acting with Stanislavsky and elocution with Mrs. be used when MRS. Ching Ho.S. L. SHE. MEERS: (Triumphantly waving the Daily Graphic. MEERS: Bun Foo… (SHE finds the word.. (Opening the newspaper and pointing. BUN FOO Bin Roo.) MRS. MRS. Thus.DOROTHY) And kick. TRANSLATION To Buddha. e. MISS DOROTHY.) LIVIN' LIKE THE OTHER HALF! (As the elevator ascends. MEERS must be specific about when SHE does and does not adopt her "Chinese" accent. SHE crosses to BUN FOO as SHE flips through the dictionary.) MRS. MILLIE. Note that the translation below is for the actor’s use only.) Boys. After all.. just give me the right wig. Fiske. doesn't use the accent. "I'll introduce you to the girls. . But those days are over! All of New York may be searching for Daisy Crumpler.O. but no one pays a whit of attention to ("Chinese " accent. Miss Dorothy. and I can play anything! (Back to business. CHING HO.) Okay.D. Meers. C. MEERS TRANSLATION Sung Ethel.” "Perfect!" "They’re a tough bunch. "etc. It should not be translated for the audience until so indicated in the script. MEERS enters S. here's one for the scrapbook: front page! And look. A. a little snack with enough chloroform to knock her out all the way to Hong Kong! (MRS. but I still say. L.) 4 BROTHERS: (In unison. Take Ethel. and painstakingly sounds it out.) MRS. SHE removes a dreaded Chinese/English dictionary from her pocket. kick! BOTH: (Sing.) there I am! (4 BROTHERS study the photo. Note that the actress portraying MRS. As for you. clearly annoyed." (Dropping the accent. the PRISCILLA GIRLS. wheeling a laundry cart. Chang Lo and other ASIANS are folding towels and doing laundry.g. With numbers across my chest. so let's give her room service. then study her. when SHE's addressing her henchmen.MEERS stops in her tracks. MEERS is talking to those who don't know about her criminal activities.) "Mrs.P.g. so it's an old picture.
(BUN FOO can’t decipher what SHE’s trying to say. MRS. MRS. MEERS tries a more MRS.) Room service….) CHING HO: Fong.) so MRS. SUPERTITLE: I don’t like that woman PO MEIN: Daahn haih keuih hou sik nam. MRS. TRANSLATION Four hundred. MEERS (The one English and SHE thinks HE’ll recognize. CHING HO: Mouh.. CHING HO: Yuhn. SUPERTITLE: And a heart of steel. MRS. in a pique of frustration.” SHE crosses to CHING HO. MEERS. and HE coaches her through it.) As for you.) 'Good night!' (Dropping the southern drawl. MEERS exits S.MEERS: Mouh. SHE shows him the dictionary. MEERS (Crosses to laundry cart and addresses ETHEL inside it.room service…(SHE finds it.) Heui? (BUN FOO nods. MEERS TRANSLATION Fong mouh huhn for Miss Dorothy! Room service for Miss Dorothy. If that’s the American Dream. so the joke is lost on them.) Dear Ethel. Ching Ho …. MRS. SUPERTITLE: She’s got a good head for business. Yuh gwo Meih gwok muhng haih gum ge. MEERS: Heuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii? (HE still can’t decipher the word. MEERS Sei baak.) MRS. and SHE hates asking for help. and SHE loves to be right!) Buddha! (SHE flips through the dictionary until SHE finds the next word. "Parting is such sweet sorrow that I shall say." (THE FOUR BROTHERS don't know their Shakespeare. extreme pronunciation.(Imitating ETHEL's southern drawl. so SHE tries another pronounciation. MRS.L.) till it be morrow. SHE got it right.) Cash? (HE nods “yes. wake me up when its over.) Ngoh go k daak kouih ho u titu yim.(Flipping through dictionary. .) Room service! (SHE tries to sound it out.) F-f-f-f-f-f-fffffff……Famayayayayyayaya… (Turns to CHING HO for help.) BIN ROO (Regarding MRS. MEERS: Fong. CHING HO: Keuih haak sam. faat yuhn jo sin giu seng ngoh.
‘Not for the Life of Me’ Reprise 1 CHING HO (Spoken.) Gam keuih jauh gau wai la. ZHE SHENG HUO WO BU YAO. “Tai hah ngoh leuhng go jai ah. Leih si hah heui gung chong wan yah mh man? SUPERTITLE: Grow up. the kidnappers. faai di wan dou cheen . because the faster we earn it. SUPERTITLE: Right. You think we could have saved $25 working in a sweat shop? CHING HO: Cheen! Cheen! Sehng yaht dou gong cheen. SUPERTITLE Burn the bridge. BUN FOO HUO YAO BI YI-DENG XiAO ZHEN GENG FAN RONG ER QIE DENG SHI YONG YUAN HONG. CHING HO (Sings) GUA1 GUAI BU ZAI HUEI JIA LIAO. . SUPERTITLE: Money! That’s all you care about. Not for the life of me. BUN FOO: Gang haih la. SUPERTITLE Bet the store. jauh faai di daai ah ma gwo leih a ma. jyun jouh gwaai daai yahn ge.) Dian da du. baby-brother.BUN FOO: Sing mou di la sai lou." CHING HO Qiao shao diao. SUPERTITLE Baby’s coming home nomore. KIM SOO: (POINTS TO FOUR BROTHERS. the sooner we bring Mama over from Hong Kong. SUPERTITLE A life that’s gotta be more than a one-light town where the light is always red.” SUPERTITLE Won’t she be proud? “My sons.
MISS FLANNERY: Single?! MILLIE: (A quick recovery.ALL: SHENG HUO YAO BI GUI CHENG GENG RE NAO. Go team! Go team! Go team! Clap your hands. Junior or the Third? MILLIE (A slip. just because. STENOGS and SPEED TAPPISTS have exited and MILLIE has reached MISS FLANNERY's desk. Meanwhile.) MILLIE: I'm looking for a Miss Flannery? MISS FLANNERY: You're looking at a Miss Flannery.as MILLIE’ reenters D.. You are? MILLIE: Millie Dillmount. Not for the life of me. are. WO DE SIN TIAN BU SHI GOO QU YI YANG LA. too. ZHE SHENG HUO WO BU YAO. then circles a name and exits D. FILE CLERKS at the Sincere Trust Insurance Company enter U.S. Trevor Graydon. where the ghost ain’t even dead.S.R. seated at a desk and wheeled on by two FILE CLERKS. MILLIE: Is he hiring? MISS FLANNERY: Theoretically. SHE crosses names off her list of bachelors. MISS FLANNERY: Senior.S. form a line D. Not a one of'em fast enough. ZHE SHENG HUO WO BU YAO! SUPERTITLE: Gotta be more than an old ghost town. L. Boh-doh-dee-oh.S L.S. They stand at attention until MISS FLANNERY is DSC then start to exit U.S.S. BOH-DOH-DEE-OH. Seated at the desks are fast-typing STENOGS. to see Mr.. .) Handed! In need of a typist. ZHI DAO MA.L. Not for the life of me ! (THEY exit S.R.S.) Jia yci! Jia yci! Jia y6! (Sing) PAl PAI SHOU. with the cart containing ETHEL.R. MISS FLANNERY enters D.) SCENE 4 “Office Crossover” (MILLIE enters D. MILLIE works her tray through the maze of desks until all FILE CLERKS. then exit U. LIAN GUI GUAI DOU HUO ZHE. MISS FLANNERY: Number Three. Shorthand. Don’t you know that where I am ain’t where I was.S L. FILE CLERKS and STENOGS tap dance to simulate the sound of an office: FILE CLERKS and STENOGS. (Spoken. L. wheeling desks in a D.) Whichever's single. he's looked at every stenog in the tri-state area.
. GRAYDON: Congratulations.) Is that rouge? MILLIE: You don't like me.) MR. MR. MR.AYDON: (Completely unaware of MILLIE's interest in him. either. MILLIE: (The nicest thing anyone’s ever said to her. but I'm a hard worker and a fast learner MR.) Bolt the door. I clocked you at six-point-four. I love baseball.) I like that! MILLIE: You do? MR. MISS FLANNERY: I don't like moderns. Graydon? A Miss Dillmount here to see you.) your beautiful trophy. seated at his desk and eyeing his pocket watch. GRAYDON: No references? How about previous employers? MILLIE: I don’t have any of those. sir. That's swell. missy. MILLIE: I meant on my machine. let's have a taste. GR. MR. May I see your references? MILLIE: I don't have any. (To MILLIE) Move it! “Front and Center” (MILLIE exits S.. MISS FLANNERY: I didn't. if you want the job. I won it for golf. her voice dripping with honey. take off your things. . L.. MILLIE: (Regarding his movie star looks.MILLIE: I’m fast. L. and you're as up-to-date as they come. MISS FLANNERY: So I gathered. GRAYDON: How's that? MILLIE: Uh.) Mr. just swell! The early bird and all that. a place where the right combination of aptitude and enthusiasm can take a girl from nowhere straight to the top? So let's do this the American way: (Removing his jacket. Miss Dillmount. MILLIE enters SR. MR.) Beautiful. (Into the intercom. GRAYDON: You don't? (A beat. (Inspecting MILLIE’s face.) Golf. Miss Dillmount. It takes the average applicant seven seconds to walk from Flannery's perch to my way station. MISS FLANNERY wheels herself off 'S.) Thank you! MISS FLANNERY It wasn't a compliment! And you'd better he fast. (Spots a trophy on his desk.R. Isn't this the land of opportunity. GRAYDON: Absolutely. TREVOR GRA YDON enters S.
I REQUEST A FULL REFUND OF ALL THE MONEY WE (Imitating his elaborate vocal flourish.) A little slow. JUST CAREFULLY REMOVE THE LID AND TAKE A WHIFF IF YOU'VE A DOUBT.) Read that back to me. Miss Dillmount? MILLIE: (Crossing her legs. SINCERELY. perhaps.) MR.) ENCLOSED YOU'LL FIND A SMALL CONTAINER OF THE STUFF I TALK ABOUT. MR. I REQUEST A FULL REFUND OF ALL THE MONEY WE (An elaborate vocal flourish. (Back to business." Colon. SO I'M WRITING YOU A LETTER TO DEMAND AN EXPLANATION. SO I HOPE YOU SOLVE THIS MATTER. (Spoken.) .) MY EYES ARE FULLY OPEN TO MY AWFUL SITUATION. please. John Hudson. GRAYDON: To Mr. SINCE THE ONLY POSSIBILITY IS THAT YOUR WAX IS RANCID.) ADVAN-CED. GRAYDON: (Sings at faster tempo. (Spoken. I'M SURE YOU WOULDN'T WANT ME TO ALERT THE DAILY PAPERS WITH THE NEWS OF HOW OUR OFFICE WAS AFFECTED BY YOUR VAPORS.) MY EYES ARE FULLY OPEN TO MY AWFUL SITUATION. Hudson's Floor Wax. WHEN THE FLOOR WAX THAT WE BOUGHT FROM YOU ARRIVED HERE MONDAY MORNING.) ADVAN-CED. TREVOR GRAYDON. WE WILL TAKE OUR BUSINESS ELSEWHERE." Colon. GRAYDON (Spoken. Hudson.) AND UNLESS YOU CAN CONVINCE ME YOU'VE IMPROVED THE FLOOR WAX BATTER. "Dear Mr. MR. “The Speed Test” (MR GRAYDON bands MILLIE a steno pad and pen. MILLIE: Certainly. You'll find an invoice in the file for the address. then gestures for her to sit. WE DISCOVERED UPON USAGE THAT THE FUME SHOULD HAVE A WARNING. WHICH IS WHY I CHOOSE TO WRITE TO YOU A CONFIDENTIAL LETTER FULL OF STRONG RECOMMENDATIONS THAT YOU MAKE YOUR FLOOR WAX BETTER.MILLIE: Excuse me? MR. "Dear Mr. (Sings. GRAYDON: Take a letter. WE DISCOVERED UPON USAGE THAT THE FUME SHOULD HAVE A WARNING. SO I'M WRITING YOU A LETTER TO DEMAND AN EXPLANATION. (Sings at faster tempo. Hudson.) Nice! MILLIE:(Sings. AND IF IT DOES YOU MAY EXPECT A BILL.) How's my speed. I JUST HOPE IT WON'T REQUIRE' us To HAVE OUR FLOOR RELAID. WHEN THE FLOOR WAX THAT WE BOUGHT FROM YOU ARRIVED HERE MONDAY MORNING. SINCE THE ONLY POSSIBILITY IS THAT YOUR WAX IS RANCID.
SINCERELY. I WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY 'BOUT OUR SOURED OFFICE PLANKING. WHICH IS WHY I CHOOSE TO WRITE TO YOU A CONFIDENTIAL LETTER FULL OF STRONG RECOMMENDATIONS THAT YOU MAKE YOUR FLOOR WAX BETTER. TREVOR GRAYDON.) ENCLOSED YOU'LL FIND A SMALL CONTAINER OF THE STUFF I TALK ABOUT. Please continue.S. GRAYDON: (Spoken as HE crosses U. I JUST HOPE IT WON'T REQUIRE US TO HAVE OUR FLOOR RELAID.AND UNLESS YOU CAN CONVINCE ME YOU'VE IMPROVED THE FLOOR WAX BATTER. MISS FLA NNER Y enters S. (Sings.) Yes? (MR.) Not half bad.L.S. with an empty desk. GRAYDON leads MILLIE S. GRAYDON IF I COULD BE SO LUCKY AS TO HAVE A GOOD STENOGRAPHER. AND IF IT DOES YOU MAY EXPECT A BILL. as STENOGS reenter from U. GRAYDON:(Spoken. THAT IS WHY I'M TESTING YOU WITH THIS OUTRAGEOUS CORRESPONDENCE.S. GRAYDON D.) So. JUST CAREFULLY REMOVE THE LID AND TAKE A WHIFF IF YOU'VE A DOUBT. MILLIE: (Sings at faster tempo.) . MR. R. I'M SURE YOU WOULDN'T WANT ME TO ALERT THE DAILY PAPERS WITH THE NEWS OF HOW OUR OFFICE WAS AFFECTED BY YOUR VAPORS. MR. SO I HOPE YOU SOLVE THIS MATTER. AND COULD CONCENTRATE ON GENERATING PROFITS RIPE FOR BANKING. may I speak frankly? MILLIE: (Joining MR. TO KEEP THIS PLACE AS UP-TO-DATE AS HER SHORT SKIRT AND BOBBED COIFFURE. WE WILL TAKE OUR BUSINESS ELSEWHERE.) Miss Dillmount. renter.R.) MR. L. WHICH I DON'T INTEND TO ACTUALLY MAIL TO THE RESPONDENT'S. (Spoken.
IF YOU CAN MAKE SENSE OF MY UNINTELLIGIBLE PATTER. THEN THE JOB IS YOURS AND HUDSON'S FLOOR WAX REALLY DOESN’T MATTER MILLIE HUDSON'S FLOOR WAX DOESN'T MATTER? .
Miss Dillmount. Soon.) "Dear Mr. ALL freeze as MR. MR. MISS FLANNERY AND OFFICE WORKERS: . GRAYDON MY EYES ARE FULLY OPEN TO MY AWFUL SITUATION.) I want that letter on my desk in two minutes flat.R. GRAYDON Thirty seconds.) Time! (MR. Hudson.S. GRAYDON yanks the letter from MILLIE. GRAYDON HUDSON’S FLOOR WAX DOESN’T MATTER ! MATTER. her fingers flying over those keys. SPEED TAPPISTS challenge MILLIE with tap steps.L. GRAYDON: (Spoken to MILLIE.L. MATTER. MATTER MATTER. STENOGS. Flannery?! (MR. FILE CLERKS and SPEED TAPPISTS are dancing. HUDSON’S FLOOR WAX HUDSON’S FLOOR WAX DOESN’T MATTER! DOESN’T MATTER! MATTER.MILLIE MISS FLANNERY MATTER. and types twice as fast as STENOGS.R. MATTER HUDSON’S FLOOR WAX DOESN’T MATTER! MR. MATTER MATTER. MATTER AND STENOGS MATTER. S. GRAYDON enters S. but MILLIE remains seated. who are clearly impressed. which she executes flawlessly while continuing to type. GRYDON reenters S.R. Man your machine! Go! (MR.) MR.S. followed by MISS FLANNERY. GRAYDON exits. HE reads the letter.. MATTER. followed by MISS FLANNERY. MILLIE sits at desk S.. followed by MISS FLANNERY. MR. R. MATTER MATTER. ALL resume dancing until MR. MATTER. FILE CLERKS and SPEED TAPPISTS gather round him. 'typewriter as MISS FLANNERY. MATTER. FLIE CLERKS and SPEED TAPPISTS enter U. SO I'M WRITING YOU A LETTER TO DEMAND AN EXPLANATION. pocket watch in hand. GRAYDON exits S ." MISS FLANNERY AND OFFICE WORKERS: Colon. and MISS FLANNERY exits U. STENOGS.
MATTER. SINCE THE ONLY POSSIBILITY IS THAT YOUR WAX IS RANCID. MATTER. MISS FLANNERY AND OFFICE WORKERS SO I HOPE YOU SOLVE THIS MATTER SO I HOPE YOU SOLVE THIS MATTER SO I HOPE YOU SOLVE THIS MATTER FILE CLERKS AND SPEED TAPPISTS SO I HOPE YOU SOLVE THIS MATTER. MATTER. MATTER. WE WILL TAKE OUR BUSINESS ELSEWHERE. MATTER. MISS FLANNERY AND STENOGS SO I HOPE YOU SOLVE THIS MATTER. MATTER. MATTER. (Gasp. MATTER. MATTER MATTER MATTER BATTER. WE DISCOVERED UPON USAGE THAT THE FUME SHOULD HAVE A WARNING. . MATTER MATTER MATTER MATTER MATTER MATTER MATTER MATTER MATTER. SO I HOPE YOU SOLVE THIS MAT" I'ER. MATTER MATTER MATTER MATTER MATTER MATTER MATTER.) MATTER MATTER MATTER MATTER MATTER MATTER MATER MATTER MATTER MATTER MATTER MATTER.MATTER MATTER MATTER MATTER MATTER MATTER MAI7ER MATTER. SO I HOPE YOU SOLVE THIS MATTER. I REQUEST A FULL REFUND OF ALL THE MONEY WE ADVANCED AND UNLESS YOU CAN CONVINCE ME YOU'VE IMPROVED THE FLOOR WAX MATTER MATTER MATTER MATTER. MATTER MATTER MATTER WHEN THE FLOOR WAX THAT WE BOUGHT FROM YOU ARRIVED HERE MONDAY MORNING.
MISS DILLMOUNT! MISS FLANNERY AND OFFICE WORKERS YOU HAVE MADE THE TEAM. I KNOW WE'LL BE FRIENDS.) . TREVOR GRAYDON. AND NICE TO MEET YOU. MISS DILLMOUNT! MILLIE: (To OFFICE WORKERS.R. I JUST HOPE IT WON'T REQUIRE US TO HAVE OUR FLOOR RELAID.) Going on! (Continues reading letter. HOW MUCH I'LL BE PAID. MATTER.) Graydon! ALL: (Sing.) YOU HAVE MADE THE TEAM.) AAAAAAH! SCENE 5 “Speed Test” Playoff (The twelfth floor hallway of the Hotel Priscilla. MRS. WHEN WE EAT LUNCH.) I mean Dillmount! ALL MINUS MILLIE: (Sing.) MILLIE DILLMOUNT? MILLIE: (Spoken to herself. SHE knocks on MISS DOROTHY’s door and exits S. who is carrying a tray that holds a covered dish and a rose in it vase. then to MILLIE.) TELL ME WHERE MY DESK IS. MATTER. MATTER. revealing an apple. MEERS uncovers the dish. ) Someday Graydon ALL MINUS MILLIE: (Sing) GRAYDON? DILLMOUNT? DILLMOUNT? GRAYDON? GRAYDON? DILLMOUNT? MILLIE: (Spoken. SO I HOPE YOU SOLVE THIS MATTER. ALL MINUS MILLIE: MILLIE GRAYDON? MILLIE: (Spoken. a row of 3 doors. which SHE injects with it large hypodermic needle. MATTER! MR.) ENCLOSED YOU'LL FIND A SMALL CONTAINER 01: THE STUFF I TALK ABOUT. JUST CAREFULLY REMOVE THE LID AND TAKE A WHIFF IF YOU'VE A DOUBT. followed by CHING HO & CHANG LO. AND IF IT DOES YOU MAY EXPECT A BILL. MEERS enters SL. MATTER. GRAYDON: (Spoken.MATTER MATTER. (A dramatic pause. I'M SURE YOU WOULDN'T WANT ME TO ALERT THE DAILY PAPERS WITH THE NEWS OF HOW OUR OFFICE WAS AFFECTED BY YOUR VAPORS. WHICH IS WHY I CHOOSE TO WRITE TO YOU A CONFIDENTIAL LETTER FULL OF STRONG RECOMMENDATIONS THAT YOU MAKE YOUR FLOOR WAX BETTER. HE sings as fast as possible while clearly enunciating every word. SINCERELY. MATTER. MRS. JUST CALL ME MILLIE GRAYDON.
MEERS enters S. but CHING HO snatches the covered dish off the tra held by CHANG LOy.) “Sad to be awe arone in da whirld.) . Maiyisi -? CHING HO: (MISS DOROTHY shakes her head “no”. I didn’t order anything. is How sweet! I never MISS DOROTHY: I said I didn’t – (CHING HO presents her with the rose.” MISS DOROTHY: Mrs. CHING HO Mat leih gam mouh laih masauh ga! BIN ROO Mat leih gam cheun ga! (MRS. beautiful girl he’s ever seen.R.) MISS DOROTHY: Dear me. Maiyisi --? MISS DOROTHY: Who? CHING HO Mrs. CHING HO CHANG LO Ngŏh chūhng mēih gin gwŏ hŏu He think you’re the most Chīn lēih găm lēng gē sīu jē. CHANG LO & CHING HO see BUN FOO and shoo her into her room. “CHING HO does his best MRS.) What about her? CHANG LO She’s very dangerous. MISS DOROTHY: (A guess at what he’s saying. if you insist. a Chinese person’s take on a fake Chinese accent. The result is incomprehensible yet oddly familiar to MISS DOROTHY and us. Don’t flirt with the merchandise. “How Sweet” (CHING HO looks up from the tray and. seeing MISS instantly smitten with her.) Yes? CHING HO Fòng mōuh yūhn.)) BUN FOO Hold on. MISS DOROTHY: (From inside her room.) All right. Meers! (When CHING HO & CHANG LO nods “yes.MISS DOROTHY: (From inside her roost. (MISS DOROTHY takes the tray.) Beg pardon? CHING HO CHANG LO Fòng mōuh yūhn! Room service.R. MEERS imitation. startling MISS DOROTHY. (BUN FOO & BIN ROO enters S. Romeo. wheeling a laundry cart.) could refuse a rose.) DOROTHY for the first time.) Heavens! CHING HO: Mrs. (MISS DOROTHY exits her room as CHING HO& CHANG LO inspects the tray.
Meers. hello! You're new. my way of saying welcome to the Priscilla! California Apple No. Go on. speaking at such a clip RUTH Well. yes. Mrs. thanks. MISS DOROTHY exits her room. My real name's Dombrowsky. MEERS: (No “Chinese” accent. MEERS knocks on MISS DOROTHY’s door. ALICE exits her room.. MEERS lifts the cover off the dish. Haven’t had a bite all day! MISS DOROTHY I’ll share it with you. But don't look back.) Must I do everything myself? (To BUN FOO. (As MISS DOROTHY'S hand reaches the apple. MRS.) Bun Foo. Take a bite. MISS DOROTHY: An apple a day! (As MISS DOROTHY's hand reaches the apple. little lady. (MRS. Sad to be all alone in the world. take care of your brother.) enters S. And I’ll take care of Miss Dorothy. MRS.) MISS DOROTHY Mmmm.) MISS DOROTHY: A California apple! MRS. it smells very ripe. don'cha think? Ruth Devereaux-my stage name. but imagine that an a marquee! Nice chattin' with 'ya. MEERS: (As ALICE is about to take a bite. MEERS (“Chinese” accent.MRS. MEERS again presents the apple.) MISS DOROTHY: Good afternoon.2” (MRS. MEERS Now where were we? Ah.) Gee. MEERS That's because it's juicy. but we couldn't be more different. “California Apple No. You an actress? I'm an: actress.) ALICE Say.) Hello. ALICE: (Grabbing the apple. so well never be up for the same part. indicating CHING HO & CHANG LO. MRS. Bye! (RUTH exits into her room with a piercing giggle. I have something for you. R. which is a good thing. MEERS: For the California orphan. anyway. RUTH that MISS DOROTHY can't get a word in edgewise. have a taste. where'd you get that? I'm starved! SARA: Me too.) .) MRS.1 (MRS.
ALICE: Iceman?! Come on. into the cart. You’re on your way. CORA enters S. CORA: (Reaching for the apple. On me. the dress—well. Dillmount. so we’re all painting the town red to celebrate.. Sara (ALICE tosses the apple in the air. MEERS. MRS. to thank each and every one of you. Trevor Gradyon! MISS DOROTHY Perfect! MABEL CORA GLORIA Congrats Kid. Millie Tell all. MRS MEERS catches the apple and hands it to MISS DOROTHY) MRS.L.) MISS MABEL CORA GLORIA DOROTHY Did what. in a minute. with the laundry cart.) The purse.) .) Kitchen closed! (To 4 BROTHERS.)And I’ll take that.R. Millie? Spill. BIN ROO and CHING HO exit S. MILLIE: You’re looking at the future Mrs.) MILLIE: Two weeks’ worth. any minute now. MILLIE: And he advanced me my first paycheck.MEERS: What about the rent? (MILLIE produces a wad of cash. as SHE tosses the apple. grabbing Sara and rushes off S. that’s swell. sister.R.) Beat it! CHING HO: (To MISS DOROTHY) O lafola.) CORA: (Regarding CHING HO’s outburst. daaling!(BUN FOO. MABEL: Thank us? GLORIA: For what? MILLIE: (Returning articles of clothing one-by-one to GIRLS. Out with it. plate and all.) What’s he going on about? MISS DOROTHY: I have no idea! (shrugs her shoulders.) MILLIE: Miss Dorothy. MEERS:(Drops the "Chinese "accent in her frustration) Eat it! (As MISS DOROTHY is about to take a bite. No “Chinese” accent. MILLIE enters S . Honey. MEERS: (Slamming the cover back over the apple. MRS. MABEL and GLORIA exit their rooms. I did it! I did it! Gloria! Mabel! Alice! (MISS DOROTHY hands the apple to MRS. the hat. MEERS: (Snatching the cash from MILLIE) I take that. MRS.L. that iceman cometh.Alice! You remember that delivery boy you had your eye on? Well.
we've traipsed up and down Broadway RITA: For almost two hours GLORIA: And the strongest hooch we've sampled is root beer. YOU'RE CHECKING INTO HOTEL HADES. MISS DOROTHY. WAIT AND SEE WHO'S STANDING WHEN' MY PLAY IS DONE. MEERS’ face.) “They Don’t Know” (MRS. and addresses the audience. AND BRILLIANT LAUNDRY CART-IST. MILLIE.L) LUCILLE: Millie. HELEN. PRETTY GIRLS.HAYES AND BERNHARDT ALL IN ONE. SEEKING RETRIBUTION FOR THE LIFE THEY STOLE! I ALMOST ACTED CHEKHOV! IBSEN! SHAW! MOLIERE! I ALMOST STARRED AS PETER PAN. AND THEY NEVER GUESS. FACE-TO-FACE WITH GENIUS. SO WELCOME ALL YE BRIGHT. BUT NOT MUCH IN THE ATTIC. THEY DON'T KNOW (“Chinese” accent.MABEL: (Meaning speakeasy) I think I’m thirsty. MEERS THEY DON'T KNOW MY FLAIR FOR THE DRAMATIC. .) BUT THEY DON’T KNOW! “They Don’t Know” Playoff SCENE 6 (A New York City street on the apron of stage. A BLUSHING JULIET.) SAD TO BE ALL ALONE IN THE WORLD! (No “Chinese” accent.) MRS. AND IF THE HOUSE WERE BIG ENOUGH. IMAGINE MOI MIDAIR! ALMOST TACKLED SHAKESPEARE. doors slam in MRS. NOT A CLUE. THE TALENT I POSSESS.S. SKILLFUL MIME. THEY NEVER GUESS! THEY DON'T KNOW THEY'RE STARING AT AN ARTIST. In rapid succession. AND I LOOK LIKE A LOS-UH. and all the MODERNS enter S. HIGHLY TRAINED TO TAKE ON ANY ROLE. YOUNG LADIES. in attempt to get MISS DOROTHY’S attention. MEERS turns D. YOU'RE GETTING SHIPPED TO SOUTHEAST ASIA. BUT THEY DON'T KNOW.S. MEERS turns U. I WON'T STAND BY WHILE CRITICS PRAISE'YA. I STILL COULD PLAY HER YET! THEY DON'T KNOW I'M HOTTER NEWS THAN DUSE. so c-mon girls. THEY'RE ON TOP. Don’t wait up Meersie!(GIRLS exit into their rooms as MRS.
the fanciest woman in the club. They say the city's teeming with juice joints. you’re on your own. RUTH: All those in favor of heading back to the hotel MILLE AND MISS DOROTHY: No! MISS DOROTHY: Like Eve and the apple. The PEARL LADY. Blackout. Salina's dry as a bone. Front Curtain opens to Speakeasy. (JIMMY enters S. ! ALICE: Wait a minute! He looks like he knows where a girl can get a drink around here. but spirits? Never! MILLIE: Me. MISS DOROTHY.MILLIE I don't get it. MILLIE: Think of it as next decade’s good deed. The DENIZENS are: The OFFICE WORKERS & MUZZY’S FRIENDS) JIMMY AND SPEAKASY DENIZENS ZA DA DA DA DA DUO DA BADOODLE A DA . who stand frozen and intimidated amidst the mayhem of a Prohibition-era saloon. ALICE C’mon.. my grandmother's fruitcake has a big kick to it! MILLIE: That settles it. we stop and ask the next person we see. GLORIA. neither. whisking him away from the GIRLS. But the moment we’re in. LUCILLE: I've never even played a drunk scene. (JIMMY knocks. turns out to be JIMMY's date. L. MILLIE: Gloria? GLORIA: Well.) “The Nutty Cracker Suite” (POLLY. but you need to be a member. introduce us to some boys! GLORIA: Be a sport and walk us in.. JIMMY: Kansas?! (pleased to see Milile) It just so happens you're staring at the hottest speak-a in town. I have my heart set on tasting the forbidden fruit. GLORIA: You a First-timer? MISS DOROTHY: I enjoy a festive sip of champagne. RITA: Ain't no booze in Amish country. I don't care if it's an undercover copper. RUTH AND ALICE: Please? JIMMY: All right. RUTH Tell her we’re your kid sisters.) Make that the new next person.
ALL form a line D. SHOUGADI BAH.R.) MILLIE: Do you blame it? Where I'm from. which anuses JIMMY. the speakeasy DENIZENS (MUZZY’S FRIENDS & MODERNS) turn into a line-up of PRISONERS holding prisoner numbers across their chests.S. SHE gestures for it. NOBBLE-EE NEED A NOBBY NEEI) A NOBBLE-EE NEEI) A NA NA. mug shot #2.S. JIMMY dances with the PEARL LADIES in their fancy dance. A flash of light and an accompanying sound effect indicates each mug shot. snug shot #4. (Flash. If that ain't misspent.) Your fringe.S L.. D. then exit. (Flash. ('The MODERNS dance in a clump as the DENIZENS form a circle around them. The dance builds. and JIMMY and MILLIE dance together again. until it reaches MILLIE. As the scene progresses. but HE hands the flask to MISS DOROTHY and finally to MILLI.. takes a sip and her knees buckle. SHOUGADI BAH. ZA BA BA BWAH BWAH BWAH BWAH BWAH BWAH DUO DAT.) JIMMY: Don't be scared. JIMMY hangs back.) MILLIE: It's closer than Kansas.DA BWAH DA DA DA. MILLIE: Misspent youth? JIMMY: Eighteen years on Long Island. PRISONERS have their mug shots taken one-by-one D. mug shot #3. There's just more of us.) MILLIE: How long you think they'll keep us? JIMMY: Overnight. As THEY speak. Unless you got a hairpin. who is last in line S .) (Flash. L. I don't know what is.) SCENE 7 (On the apron.R. (Flash. It’s shaking. (MILLIE spots the flask in JIMMYs hand. (MILLIE and MODERNS try to fit in tentatively mimicking the interesting dance steps THEY see around them. admiring MILLIE its SHE dances. SHE hands the flask back to JIMMY as her attempts to balance herself turn into a giddy dance. R.S. MILLIE and JIMMY work their way towards mug shot position D. MILLIE: Who says I'm scared? JIMMY: (Referring to her dress. SHOUGADI BAH. passing a flask like the ceremonial cup. She turns quick.) ALL NOBBY NEED A NOBBY NEED A NOBBY NEED A NA NA.. SHOUGADI BAH. MILLIE and JIMMY are center stage. SHE takes a swig and passes it S. mug shot #1. . I've it knack for breaking and entering. just in time to hand it to an entering POLICEMAN. the only person you find behind bars is the town drunk. JIMMY: It's no different here.
) I thought you pegged me for a jerk.(Flash. (Reading her prisoner number. MILLIE: How do you like that? We have something in common. JIMMY: Can I ask you a personal question. When the Yankees play at home. JIMMY: What do you do? MILLIE: Stenog. JIMMY: So do you. JIMMY: (His version of an apology.) JIMMY: My old job. MILLIE: And you make a living? JIMMY: I make a life. Or ladies' lingerie. L. mug shot #5. MILLIE: I did. JIMMY: Yep. (Flash. and I fell from it.S. JIMMY: Jimmy Smith . MILLIE: I landed in jail.) But I still think you deserve better than paper clips. I’m an usher for a nigh. when you're stuck on the other side. the East River's wide as an ocean. MILLIE: You think the East River's wide? Kansas might as well he the moon.“aught” -16? MILLIE: What? JIMMY: Your name.L) It sure beats sitting at a desk eight hours a day. JIMMY'S mug shot. fretting over the price of steel. like.) 7395. (Flash. it’s “Popcorn! Peanuts! Cracker Jack!” And when the open seas are calling… well. . You? JIMMY: Depends. JIMMY: And landed on your feet. the Circle Line’s always in need of a knowledgeable guide. I've got to be at work in a few hours. mug shot #6. (Flash.) JIMMY: When I want to see a show. Steel. Paper clips. equipment for offices. MILLIE: (SHE almost feels sorry for him. like. MILLIE 's mug shot.S. maybe. mug shot #7.) MILLIE: I'd have never pegged you for a paper clip man. Paper clips. Bootleg gin.) I hope you're serious about that hairpin. HE quickly covers. MILLIE steps into mug shot position D..JIMMY: Hey. (Flash.. JIMMY steps into mug shot position D. MILLIE: Millie Dillmount. MILLIE: Steel? (JIMMY revealed more than he intended.) Oh. For now.
no! (Sings. BABY.) JIMMY OH. posing with their arms around each other like school kids in a photo booth on the Boardwalk before exiting S. who is asleep While the other PRISONERS (OFFICE WORKERS) do stage business.” IN A ROW.) I’M A JOE WITH JUST ONE AIM EV’RY NIGHT TO DATE A DIFF’RENT DAME. . GOT IT GOOD.) SCENE 8 (Jail cell ) What Do I Need with Love (JIMMY paces. NEVER GONNA SING THE TIED-DOWN BLUES. “Tell it to the Judge” (POLICEMAN grabs MILLIE and JIMMY and shoves them off S. STICK TO DOLLS WHO WASH THEIR HAIR IN BLEACH. I'M HAPPY. ”HEY.) Wait a minute! Just a minute! No. ME. the remaining PRISONERS have their mug shots taken before exiting S. GOT IT GOOD.L. CALL EACH ONE OF ‘EM THE SAME PET NAME. I DON’T MEAN MAYBE. then sits and watches MILLIE. THE PLACES I WOULD LIKE TO SHOW YOU. no. I HAVE MY DUCKS. NO WING-CLIPPED SAPPY. WE(As if waking from a nightmare. THEN NIGHTS OF YOU-AND-ME-ING. WHAT DO I NEED WITH LOVE? THAT WAS A NEAR MISS. no.) Tell it to the judge. TALK ABOUT A FOURLEAF-CLOVER-M E. COME AND GO THE WAY I CHOOSE. YOU.L. FLIRTED WITH DISASTER.. LEAVE THE COOING TO THE OTHER CLUCKS. Spoken. FAMOUS SIGHTS I WANT TO SEE YOU SEEING. (Spotting a tie-clip on a sleeping inmate.POLICEMAN (Entering S. I’VE A FUNNY FEELING WE MAKE A PERFECT PAIR. In a series of five flashes. “Dorothy Parker” and “Gershwin” DENIZENS get the final mug shot. LOADS OF GALS TO GIVE ME LOADS OF YUKS. WHAT I DO NEED WITH LOVE? ALWAYS PRACTICE WHAT I PREACH: KEEP TEMPTATION OUT OF EASY REACH.) THERE MUST BE SOMEONE UP THERE WATCHIN' OVER ME. ALTHOUGH I HARDLY KNOW YOU.I. TALK ABOUT A CLOSE SHAVE.L. OTHER GUYS WOULD KILL TO FILL MY SHOES.
I went out and found him! (JIMMY is utterly deflated. center then stops in his tracks. Love at first sight? MILLIE: Not for the modern.) Oh! Your weren’t thinking we’d go as a …. all of youse.I. I was about to suggest you bring your friend along.) POLICEMAN: (Opening the WOMEN’s cell.) I gotta go. MILLIE: Why? (Suddenly dawns on her.S center.) WITHOUT HER. who is asleep in her cell. (JIMMY Crosses to MILLIE. wait up. forced laugh.) GOT IT GOOD.) WHAT DO I NEED WITH LOVE? (Starting to exit U.) JIMMY: So I guess the ball game’s out.(Removing the tie-clip without waking its owner. “California”? MILLIE: Miss Dorothy? But why-(A clock chimes eight. JIMMY: Wow. She takes charge of her destiny. MILLIE and JIMMY are leaving their respective cells. JIMMY: Fiance?! “Love at First Sight” MILLIE: Boss.) “Morning Music” (POLICEMAN enters S. WHAT DO I NEED WITH LOVE? (By now. Wanna grab a cup of coffee? MILLIE: No can do. then the MEN’s cell) C’mon.) ALTHOUGH I HARDLY KNOW YOU. (Starting to exit U. JIMMY has picked the lock with the tie-clip..) Of course not. (Giving in to the truth. He flings open the prison door and steps out of the cell.) FREE AND EASY IS THE LIFE I GOT (Stops in his tracks. on a– JIMMY: Us? No. TELL THE MINISTER THAT "I DO" NOT. No more waiting at port for my ship to come in.. WHAT DO I NEED WITH LOVE? I GOT IT GOOD. up and at’em. .) SKIP THE VOWS AND ALL THAT ROT. You know. (The PRISONERS and POLICEMAN exit. You don't know my fiance.) JIMMY: Hey Millie. then sitting to gaze at MILLIE. GOT IT GOOD. And fiancé. No! (A big. Matter of fact. I have a third ticket.S. (One last attempt to break free.S center then stops in his tracks. I’m going to marry him. You know.) PETER RABBIT'S MISSING FOOTSIE MEANS I ROLL WITHOUT A TOOTSIE.) BUT NOW I GOT IT BAD! (JIMMY reenters his cell and returns the tie clip to its sleeping owner.) I GOT IT GOOD. BRIGHT AND BREEZY IS THEBIRDS AND BEES-Y IS THE (Starts to exit U..
(To CHING HO. lackaday. MISS DOROTHY can be heard inside.) One mama.ah….(MILLIE exits her room..L) SCENE 9 (The twelfth floor of the Hotel Priscilla. CHOW DIN. SHE steps out of the cart and crosses to MISS DOROTHYs door. woe is me! Oh. MABEL.) MISS DOROTHY: (From inside her room. Kansas? MILLIE: Till tonight.(On the spot.ah…. its darling! GLORIA: Deluxe. lost your heart to Miss Dorothy? How sweet. wheeling a laundry cart. (When CHING HO doesn’t understand.(Misinterpreting her gesture. ALICE: Oh. Meers. THEY open it. what do you think?(MISS DOROTHY. what are you doing? MRS. with rag and bottle.. please. “Laugh-In” (MILLIE exits S. MEERS drops to her knees. girls. MEERS seethes.(Another line reading. and JIMMY exits S.. GLORIA. next to the laundry cart. MEI TAI and MOO PAN. MOO PAN." MRS. SHE holds a rag and a bottle. and tries to crawl off S. SARA and ALICE exit their rooms.) Mrs.) For services rendered. RITA: (Spotting MRS. MRS. CHING HO. LUCILLE. MRS. KIM SOO. (Another line reading. desperately searching for an ..) "Oh. pressing her ear against it. ngoh mh seung lai yah! I can’t bear to watch! MRS.) No mama! ASIANS: We made a deal. MRS.) MISS DOROTHY: Haute couture! RUTH: Fancy threads. MEERS: What. MEERS on her hands and knees.. lackaday. ailing mother anytime soon.) Oh.MEERS: (“Chinese” accent.I…. Never mind that I’m the one who feeds you.. Long Island. Lackaday. I’m the one you better be nice to if you want to see your elderly.. sister. MEI TAI.L) MILLIE: (Modeling her new outfit. lack ‘a talent.) Girls.) Oh.) I…. In exchange. and MRS. rehearsing a monologue. CORA.JIMMY: Till tonight.) Catch her when she falls. RUTH. CHING HO JET LOO Aiya. surgical mask and scrubs. MEERS: (Using gestures to communicate. suited up in rubber gloves. ASIANS “exchange” places. MEERS emerges. So places.) Oh. CHING HO. RITA. I’m the one who clothes you.R. MEERS: (No “Chinese” accent. PO MEIN and JET LOO enter.
R.) It’ssssssssssssssssssssssss.) One of the mysteries of the Orient! Polishes door knob. always spilling. I can’t see a thing. MEERS exits S. what kind of cleaner is that? MRS. with the cart. once again on the spot. as ASIANS exit . soy sauce?! LUCILLE: And it leaves no stain? MRS. (The GIRLS swarm MRS . MEERS: (Hiding the bottle.just have to do something with this nasty spot on carpet.) a homemade henna for otherwise mousy hair. Smith has friends in low places! MILLIE: And high.soy sauce. ALICE: Neither can I. MABEL: Wait a minute. I’ve been there a week. MEERS: (Drops the accent in her frustration.explanation. Mr.) RUTH: So Millie. Jimmy Smith – RUTH: Again? GLORIA: Where to this time.ah…. And its not easy with watchdog Flannery sniffing around. ALICE: Where’s he taking you? MILLIE: He’s not. CORA: Say. Coney Island? RUTH: Central Park? ALICE: One of the watering holes he frequents from here to New Jersey? MISS DOROTHY: Its true. but im making progress.MEERS as SHE furiously scrubs.R.) I…. why all dolled up? ALICE: First date with Mr.) You girls. ALICE: What are you talking about? GLORIA: Where are you going? bye to CHING HO. remove birthmark. Graydon? GLORIA: Finally! MILLIE: Hey. (Indicating RUTH’s hair. SARA: Soy sauce? MRS.R. MISS DOROTHY waves goodS. MEERS: (A beeline for the exit S. GLORIA: But Meersie.) Not if you really rub it in! Bun Foo! Ching Ho! (MRS.
draped in fur. ALICE AND RUTH: (Imitating MILLIE. HEY CASTLE-BUILDER MUZZY’S FRIENDS: WANT THE MOON. PENNY & MATHILDE serve drinks to the GUESTS. as MODERNS exit S.MILLIE: No place special. MILLIE: Don’t wait up.S. THEN OVERNIGHT SUCCESS! I KNOW FIRSTHAND. THE OTHERS PALE. WITH ONE SO CLOSE TO HEAVEN. Just the glamorous penthouse of Muzzy Van Hossmere! RUTH: The singer?! MILLIE: Back from a world tour.R) SCENE 10 (The penthouse of MUZZY VAN HOSSMERE. GLORIA. ALICE AND RUTH: Muzzy! (MILLIE and MISS DOROTHY exit S. GLORIA: We know. center is MUZZY. a glamorous and wise woman. we’ll have the finest of chaperones. MY FIGURES DON'T AGREE. ONLY IN NEW YORK. EACH DAY IT'S FREE ADMISSION TO THOSE WHO DREAM. a big star. GLORIA. These show biz parties go to all hours. ONLY IN NEW YORK. MISS DOROTHY: Speaking of which. we know. SHE stands among her luggage. I NUMBER THEM AT EIGHT. ladies.I. come along Millie. STEP RIGHT UP TO TREASURE ISLE. and somehow. U. quietly and honestly expressing her feelings about New York City. FAIRYTALE LAND. THEIR MAGIC STALE. Jimmy wrangled an invite to her “welcome home” party. YOU SET YOUR SIGHTS ALL .) “Only in New York” MUZZY THE WONDERS OF THE WORLD ARE SAID TO STOP AT SEVEN. JUST TAKE A LOOK AND SEE. EV'RY INCH OF IT. A SKY-HIGH MILE. BUT TRUTH TO TELL. AND NOTHIN' LESS? WORK FOR YEARS. Her FRIENDS spread out in her apartment listening to their host.) Show biz parties! MILLIE: But lest you worry.
. R. to MUZZY. ONLY IN NEW YORK.) MAKE THAT WISH.) DAPHNE: Muzzy at the Palace. the North to Mr. I conquered. ONLY IN NEW YORK! (The party's in full swing. The dance should be small and contained. ONLY IN NEW YORK. frozen.L. LIFE ON COMMAND! HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING: OH. what a divine dress.) Hello. darlings! (GUESTS ad lib "Welcome backs'.S. (DOROTHY PARKER rejoins the dance as DAPHNE. she stops dancing and crosses D. center in a stunning cocktail dress.S. YOU SET YOUR SIGHTS ALL THE WAY UPSTREAM.) MUZZY: EACH DAY IT'S FREE ADMISSION TO THOSE WHO DREAM.. GEORGE GERSHWIN sits SR and jots notes in notepad. I’m stuck.) DOROTHY PARKER: Muzzy.) How I missed my adorable friends! Muzzy’s Party Part 1 (ALL dance US of MUZZY. so as not to pull focus from MUZZY. . Georgie Gershwin. Whenever MUZZY addresses a GUEST. You’re just a …. blocked – MUZZY: Don’t worry! Inspiration comes when you least expect it. (KENNETH. exiting S. but everywhere else.) Why. MATHILDE and PENNY enters S. OFF YOU GO. Claus. "We missed you!" etc. COME AND GET IT. MUZZY: I left the South Pole to the penguins. RISE! (MILLIE.( GEORGE GERSHWIN rejoin the dance as MUZZY approaches DOROTHY PARKER. MUZZY surrounded by her GUESTS. EVER CHANGING. AND SEEK THAT THRILL. and removes it.R. Rhapsody in blue! (Suddenly inspired. MUZZY's performance shifts from personal reverie to diva doing her big number.) MUZZY: (To GERSHWIN. Variety says you broke box office records. I sang. YET IT'S NEVER CHANGED. MUZZY: Buckingham. MUZZY lets her fur drop to her shoulders and her maids. rejoining the dance when the exchange with MUZZY is over. STRIKE UP THE BAND! ONLY IN NEW YORK.) NEW. Dorothy Parker. IMPROVED AND REARRANGED. exiting S. how’s that symphony coming? GERSHWIN: It isn’t. OFF YOU GO. BUT IT'S GRAND! THAT'S WHY I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE AS PLANNED. DOROTHY & JIMMY enter SL.'CAUSE YOU ALWAYS WILL. the butler. (As the song continues. DEXTER and LILITH approach MUZZY. FOR YOU KNOW THAT CREAM WILL RISE.) Hello. crosses from S. I came. with MUZZY’s luggage. FOR YOU KNOW THAT CREAM WILL RISE. MUZZY is D.THE WAY UPSTREAM. L.
) MUZZY: That's what Mr. and tell me. weren’t you about to leave? I’ll show you out. you could have knocked me over the first time I saw this . MILLIE and MISS DOROTHY. trying to be inconspicuous. MISS DOROTHY: Charmed. MILLIE: Muzzy. Muzzy. Miss Dorothy Brown. MILLIE: Roses? JIMMY: My father used to be the gardener at her Long Island mansion. MISS DOROTHY and KENNETH exit S.S.) MUZZY: Millie.) I'm sorry. Van— MUZZY: Muzzy. Van Hossmere be joining us? MUZZY: That depends. I’ve an audition for David Belasco.. MILLIE: Will Mr. Van H. MILLIE: (Mortified. R. so I’m calling it a night. You planning séance? He passed away years ago.(KENNETH approaches. I came to all this as the second Mrs.) Jimmy! The roses need pruning. Van Hossmere-practically a child-and Millie. It’s fabulous! LILITH GUEST #3: Muzzy at the Vatican. crossing S L. You said our home. how about a spot of gin? A bit of bubbly? Anything? Our home is your home. MUZZY: And they ain’t kidding.R.(A beat. MUZZY: I still say Jimmy’s the only one who can trim a hedge like his daddy used to. bright and early. were you ever adopted? (JIMMY.) Millie. I didn't know.(GUESTS rejoin the dance as MUZZY approaches JIMMY. Kenneth.) KENNETH: Mrs. called it. MILLIE: What an honor. and watching MILLIE from a distance before rejoining the dance. JIMMY: Millie Dillmount. MISS DOROTHY: Come.) MUZZY: Tough house.) Kenneth! MILLIE: You two know each other?! MISS DOROTHY: From the orphanage! JIMMY: Miss Dorothy. Mind you.DEXTER: Muzzy at the Great Wall. (JIMMY reenters U. Mrs. Millie. KENNETH: Dorothy? MISS DOROTHY: (A forced smile. may I present Muzzy Van Hossmere. Van Hossmere… MUZZY: Rodney! MISS DOROTHY:(To MILLIE.
and then. Miss Dillmount.. I was born. I moved here. MILLIE: Baltimore?! MUZZY: Not even. Muzzy. Tweedums. MUZZY: We have so much in common! Meet Baltimore's own Mabel Ida Walker." And I never have! Unfortunately. "Baby Van Hossmere. MEERS' household hint. but to travel here on nothing but nerve and imaginationMILLIE : Like a Mabel Ida Walker? MUZZY:Like a Millie Dillmount! MUZZY: Let's dance! (MILLIE and MUZZY start dancing. as the party comes to a halt. You were born and then what happened? MILLIE: Well. leaving a small group of GUESTS dancing U.. But not a peep about the biggest news of all. MUZZY demonstrates the latest dance crazes. not your home.L.. . which way to the kitchen? MUZZY: Snookums. this is our home. very ecstatic period. anyone can be born here. even the weather. and proud of it. all the GUESTS.) You! You spilled champagne all over my Paul Poiret! MILLIE I'm so sorry.? (Remembering MRS. (PENNY and MATHILDE lead MILLIE and DOROTHY PARKER off D. DOROTHY PARKER: Will you look at that nasty spot? MILLIE: Spot. Not my home. DOROTHY PARKER screams. PENNY: This way. not to mention KENNETH and MATHILDE. but very. . but our home. Cockeysville. I have no idea. I enjoyed his companionship for a brief.) JIMMY:You think Millie's okay one-on-one with Mrs. JIMMY: What did I do? MUZZY: Once a week you wrote me dishing the parties.. knocking champagne all over DOROTHY PARKER'S dress.) Don't worry. Soon.S. Parker? MUZZY: I'm not speaking to you. Maryland. Parker. MILLIE is the belle of the balluntil her flung hand hits PENNY’S tray. Many GUESTS exit. I know something that cleans so you can't see a thing! One of the mysteries of the Orient.place! He said. MUZZY: Millie Dillmount. which MILLIE quickly picks up. the shows. Mrs. MILLIE: Sad. And don't you ever forget it. I want to know all about you. ALL stare at MILLIE.S: THEY are in no way privy to the following exchange.) DOROTHY PARKER: (To MILLIE. are following MUZZY and MILLIE.
(JIMMY is about to reciprocate MILLIE’s embrace. c'mon. The new woman chooses reason over romance any day of the week.S. She’ll never remember your name.S. What are you going to do about it? DOROTHY PARKER (runs on from SL towards SR.) A scandal could cost me my job. butterfly boy? Flower to flower to flower! JIMMY: You got a problem with that? MILLIE: I'm merely suggesting that you grow up. Relax.) MUZZY: Little Millie. JIMMY is trying to console MILLIE. JIMMY follows MILLIE onto the terrace.) Soy Sauce?! Aaaaaaah! (MILLIE enters U. Isn't he? MILLIE: (Trying to convince herself its much its him. (The music stops.R. where JIMMY and MILLIE are in mid-conversation.S. be my guest.L.JIMMY: I don't know what you're talking about.) JIMMY: Aw. I will. What will you be. and GUESTS freeze U. Oh Jimmy. Graydon— JIMMY: (Recoiling from MILLIE. you can't fool me: you're in love with her. in it panic. Millie.) Can I ask a favor-a really big one. skirt chaser! JIMMY: Goldigger! MILLIE: Womanizer! JIMMY: Jezebel! .) Is a stiff. JIMMY : (Very sarcastic. (Proudly.) SCENE 11 (The terrace of MUZZY’s apartment on apron in front of main curtain. I've had it up to here with you and Graydon. Millie. MILLIE: Thank you. She crosses U. MUZZY gives JIMMY a shove in MILLIE’s direction.)And I'm a new woman! JIMMY: I'm warning you. 'cause I know how hard it'll be for youcan you not talk about your plan for once? MILLIE: Why not? JIMMY: 'Cause I'm sick of hearing about it: You want to marry a man who thinks of you as a typewriter on legs. then exits D. 'cause I'm going to be his wife.) Some would say so. his mood souring on a dime.) Mr.) Really? What a relief? (MILLIE throws her arms around JIMMY. MILLIE: You think? (JIMMY nods yes. MILLIE: Then I don't know what to tell you. but I see a side of him that few people are lucky enough to see. and exits onto the terrace.S.
OCCASIONAL SIGH. JIMMY. Jimmy.) “Jimmy” MILLIE: AM I DRUNK? OR MAYBE I'M DREAMING? I OUGHTA BE SCREAMING! HE SUDDENLY— (Stick to your plan. GEE.) . HEAVEN FOR A MINUTE. I MIGHT SAY YES. IMPLORE ME. WHAT A REAL SWELL GUY.) SILLY BOY. FLIP-FLOP. WE KISSED. AND I DIDN'T SEE THEM? THE RANDOM REMARK. HE SUDDENLY— (Stick to your plan.. SO JIMMY.. (Discovering her feelings as SHE sings.R. Millie!) EVERYTHING TODAY IS THOROUGHLY— (Confusion.) turns to joy. Millie!) EVERYTHING TODAY IS THOROUGHLY— (Confusion.) HE MAKES MY TROUBLES FLY! HIS GLANCE HAD FIREWORKS IN IT. (As MILLIE sustains the word "yes.. FLIP-FLOP. AT TWO IN THE MORNING. WITHOUT ANY WARNING.) Oh. WHAT JOY. I PROMISE YOU WON'T BORE ME.) JUST LIKE THAT. THE GLEAM IN HIS EYE! (MILLIE's final attempts to stick to her plan. WE KISSED.MILLIE: Casanova! (JIMMY breaks away front MILLIE and exits in a panic S. DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN'T QUITE CONFESS? (As MILLIE sings. MY HEART DID A WHIZ-BANG. MY HEART DID A WHIZ-BANG. JIMMY. OH.) EVERYTHING TODAY IS THOROUGHLY— EVERYTHING TODAY IS THOROUGHLY— JIMMY. OH JIMMY. HE MAKES MYTROUBLES FLY. DONT YOU KNOW WHAT I CANT QUITE CONFESS? SO COAX ME. OH JIMMY. THAT DAY IN THE PARK. HEAVEN FOR A MINUTE. HIS GLANCE HAD FIREWORKS IN IT. JIMMY. leaving MILLIE in utter confusion. "her tenderness and crosses D. OH JIMMY. center. the set becomes. She exits the terrace SCENE 12 (The twelfth floor of the Hotel Priscilla.) WERE THERE SIGNS.S. (Spoken.
not flirting. STENOG 5: Sincere Trust… STENOG 1: Well excuse me Mr. in a robe.) Miss Dorothy. MISS DOROTHY can be seen in the doorway. MILLIE steps out of her room and into the hallway. STENOG 2: Certainly I will have carbon prints sent over by this afternoon. STENOGS frantically answer the phones.(JIMMY gives MISS DOROTHY a quick kiss and exits S.) STENOG 3: Yes that will be two boxes of extra large paper clips.L. just into time to avoid JIMMY.) BLACKOUT END OF ACT 1 ACT 2 SCENE 1 (The Sincere Trust Insurance Company. STENOG 4: Yes that’s right we certainly can offer you Insurance at a lower rate than anyone else in the city. STENOG 5: Please Hold. I MIGHT SAY— JIMMY: (From O. Dorothy. JIMMY: Not to me. MISS DOROTHY: But she's my best friend! JIMMY: No. and a case of staples. in contrast to MILLIE. JIMMY. IMPLORE ME.) Now remember— MISS DOROTHY: (From O.S ) Shhh! (MILLIE dashes into her room. MISS DOROTHY: (Teasing. who exits MISS DOROTHY's room. I PROMISE YOU WON'T BORE ME.MILLIE SO COAX ME. Jones but using a harsh tone with me isn’t going to get you anything but a dial tone.S. STENOG 2: Sincere Trust… . who works as if under water. STENOG 1: Sincere Trust…. MILLIE keeps her door open a crack so SHE can watch the following whispered exchange.) JIMMY: It's our little secret. MISS DOROTHY exits into her room. OH. clearly in shock as the curtain falls. Thank you for calling Sincere Trust.
" (Reading from second letter.STENOG 3: Clerk! Will you please run down to 53rd and 3rd and pick up our office supplies order? FILE CLERK #1: 53rd and 3rd what happened to having our supplies delivered? STENOG 3: Their delivery boy is sick today and I have some reports that need to be fastened to hop to it! FILE CLERK #1: I’ll do it but there wont be any hopping involved. and SHE answers it. Jones has in this office by the end of today. STENOG 2: Loans and Lending on Line 2. STENOG 4: and if you come in to sign.) MISS FLANNERY: (Reading from first letter.) Insincere Trust. STENOG 1: CLERK! I need every record that Mr.) "Your prompt attention to this matter is insincerely appreciated... MISS FLANNERY crosses to her. MISS FLANNERY: Personal matter? seemingly concerned. leave me alone. STENOG 5: Sincere Trust… ( MISS FLANNERY interrupts the girls.) "Yours insincerely. when she enters S. they are in alphabetical order ha ha ha.L..) MISS FLANNERY: Dillmount! I demand an explanation! MILLIE : Excuse me? (As if waking from a dream. I’ll personally greet you with a warm welcome and a smile. L with a stack of papers. FILE CLERK #1: Uh hey buddy I’ll look for the files if you go pick up the supplies delivery? FILE CLERK #2: Okay SURE! (He exits SL) FILE CLERK #1: This should only take a minute.. you will be: I'm docking you one dollar.." (Reading from third letter.. (MILLIE hangs up. MILLIE: Jimmy. MILLIE 's phone rings.) "Please accept our insincerest apology. MISS FLANNERY : MILLIE: A dollar?! (MISS FLANNERY starts to exit S. MISS FLANNERY: Make it two. Miss Flannery. If you're not... FILE CLERK #2: I will do my best (sarcastically) we only have thousands of files in this office and a few hours left in the day..) .?" MILLIE : I'm sorry.
MILLIE slams down the phone. IS THAT A MAN I ONCE ADORED? HE'S NOTHING BUT AN ALBATROSS. SISTER. and MISS FLANNERY stops. DON'CHA THINK ABOUT HIM. I'LL FIND MYSELF ANOTHER BEAU WHO I KNOW IS NO ROVER.L) Jimmy. DIRTY RAT. YOU CAN BLOW THE BLUES A KISS GOOD-BYE.L. The phone rings. Dillmount. FORGET ABOUT THE BOY.) Sincere Trust. (MISS FLANNERY starts to exit S.) “Forget About the Boy” MILLIE NO CANARY IN A CAGE FOR ME. Forget the boys. MILLIE picks up the receiver and immediately slams it down again.L. FOR WHEN HE COMES CRAWLIN'. AND IN THE MOONLIGHT. we have nothing more to say each other. FORGET ABOUT THE BOY. and MILLIE’s phone rings. FORGET ABOUT THE BOY. FORGET ABOUT THE BOY. YOU'RE MUCH BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM.”) Not on company time! MILLIE: Not another dollar! (MISS FLANNERY starts to exit S. .) MISS FLANNERY: Dillmount—! MILLIE: again! I didn’t ask him to call! I don’t want him to call! I never want to see Jimmy Smith MISS FLANNERY: Good. AND I FLATTER. Get yourself a canary! (MISS FLANNERY exits S. I'M NOT FALLIN'! SHOUT HOORAY AND HALLELUH! NOW ME AND MISTER WRONG ARE THROUGH. NO GREAT LOSS. AND PUT THE SUN BACK IN THE SKY. SHE answers it. PULL THE PLUG. AIN'T HE THE ONE WHO PULLED THE RUG? HE'S LOWER THAN AN ALLEY CAT. DOUBLE-CROSSER. (MISS FLANNERY stops. THIS CANARY'S READY TO FLY FREE! CUT THE CORD.(Turns on a dime when MILLIE nods “yes.
IS THAT A MAN I ONCE ADORED? HE’S NOTHING BUT AN ALBATROSS.) MISS FLANNERY BARNEY SCHREIBER. NOT GREAT LOSS. ALL defiantly tap dance. FORGET ABOUT— (Her rage evaporating at the mention of his name. (One by one. PULL THE PLUG.L..FORGET ABOUT THE BOY. OH JIMMY. STENOGS sing. AIN’T HE THE ONE WHO PULLED THE RUG? HE’S LOWER THAN AN ALLEY CAR. FORGET ABOUT THE BOY JIMMY.) . STENOG 2 DANNY.) JIMMY.S. C. OH. SILLY BOY.A! MILLIE JIMMY. AND I FLATTER ALL FORGET ABOUT THE BOY. WHAT JOY! HE MAKES MY TROUBLES FLY! MISS FLANNERY AND STENOGS CUT THE CORD.) STENOG 1 HORACE. DOUBLECROSSER! FORGET ABOUT THE BOY. OH JIMMY. DIRTY RAT. FORGET ABOUT THE BOY. building to a tap break for MISS FLANNERY. (MISS FLANNERY enters D. STENOG 4 PERCY. interrupting. FORGET ABOUT THE BOY! (In a collective. STENOG 3 MILTON. FORGET ABOUT THE BOY.P. murderous rage. adding the names of their loves gone wrong. WHAT A REAL SWEEL GUY. OH JIMMY. GEE.
FORGET ABOUT THE BOY. not at all pleased. MISS FLANNERY AND STENOGS FORGET ABOUT THE BOY! AAH-AAH AAH-AAH SISTER. behind STENOGS. Where’s Flannery? (MISS FLANNERY reveals herself. GRAYDON AND MISS FLANNERY Back to work! (STENOGS wheel their desks off MISS FLANNERY sheepishly approaches MR. GRAYDON addresses MISS FLANNERY and MISS FLANNERY addresses the STENOGS. FORGET ABOUT THE BOY. YOU’RE MUCH BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM BLUES A KISS GOOD-BYE SUN BACK IN THE SKY MISS FLANNERY: MILLIE IM NOT FALLIN’! ALL HALLELUJAH! FORGET ABOUT THE BOY.ALL SHOUT HOORAY AND HELLELUH! NOW ME AND MISTER WRONG ARE THROUGH.) MR. MR. MISS FLANNERY ducks FOR WHEN HE COMES CRAWLIN’. I’LL FIND MYSELF ANOTHER BEAU WHO I KNOW IS NO ROVER. Not please. MILLIE FORGET ABOUT THE BOY! AND IN THE MOONLIGHT DON’T YOU THINK ABOUT HIM YOU CAN BLOW THE BLUES A KISS GOOD-BYE. AND PUT THE SUN BACK IN THE SKY. FORGET ABOUT THE BOY! (MR. GRAYDON Ladies! The phone rang eleven times before I finally answered it myself. GRAYDON enters. GRAYDON but he .) MR. FORGET ABOUT THE BOY.
sir. (MILLIE freezes for the duration of the song.S. L.) I'VE A VERY STRANGE FEELING I NE'ER FELT' BEFORE. I hate to bother you at the office— MILLIE : (With acid. (MILLIE gestures "That's him!" to MISS DOROTHY.) More research on how the other half lives? I got a taste of it myself last night. tight in the— “Ah Sweet Mystery of Life/ I’m Falling in Love with Someone” (MR. then sits at her desk and picks up the phone.) John. GRAYDON : (From O. IT FEELS RATHER SORE. GRAYDON: Got to work up a good sweat. SHE exits S. MILLIE: (Spoken into the phone. MISS DOROTHY : At Muzzy's party.) A handball court for six-fifteen. THE BURNING HOPES.L. Wasn't it heaven? Who knew how soon I'd lie plunged into the depths of Hades! MR. MILLIE is about to exit D. and they are both dumbstuck. MR. MR. meaning MILLIE can’t hear a word of it. Edgy in the gut.S. will you? MILLIE: (Calling O. Reserve a court for six-fifteen. STRIVING. AT LAST I’VE FOUND THEE! MILLIE : (Spoken into the phone. GRAYDON . GRAYDON AH! SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE. YEARNING. WAITING.S. R when MISS DOROTHY enters SL) MISS DOROTHY : Millie. 'TIS A KIND OF A GRIND OF DEPRESSION.) Yes.) MR.) Can't you do better than that? I'll hold.brushes her aside. THE JOY AND IDLE TEARS THAT FALL. SEEKING. (Spoken into the phone. MR. you mean.) MR.) AH! I KNOW AT LAST THE SECRET OF IT ALL! MILLIE: Handball.) MR. GRAYDON enters U. be a good old scout and ring up my handball court. GRAYDON’s and MISS DOROTHY’s eyes meet. MISS DOROTHY: MY HEART'S ACTING STRANGELY.) MISS DOROTHY : (Sings) ALL THE LONGING. GRAYDON: (Sings. Their reaction to each other is expressed only in fantasy.S. GRAYDON : (Sings. AT LEAST IT GIVES ME THA'I' IMPRESSION.
THEN SAD WITHOUT CAUSE. The Candlenook Room. GRAYDON shake their heads "no. MR. Miss Dorothy Brown. I'M TELLING YOU TRULY. MR. Because this is a fantasy sequence the choreography can be heightened. (MR. GRAYDON MY SPIRITS ARE TRULY UNRULY. Graydon. I think Miss Dorothy's for the Plaza. don't you? (When MILLIE dejectedly nods yes. Pink. Then to MR.MY PULSES LEAP MADLY WITHOUT ANY CAUSE. MILLIE unfreezes. GRAYDON I'M SURE I COULD LOVE SOMEONE MADLY.) Thank you. GRAYDON dance passionately around the office. BELIEVE ME. MILLIE: (A knife in her heart as SHE scribbles on her pad. FOR I'M FALLING IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE. . GRAYDON: (Regaining his professional composure. MILLIE There's a florist around the corner from the hotel. well. PLAIN TO SEE. GRAYDON and MISS DOROTHY. (Hangs up the phone. SOME ONE GIRL.) Yes. GRAYDON: May I take the liberty of asking you to dine? MISS DOROTHY : You may. Two dozen. make dinner reservations at the Plaza. IF SOMEONE WOULD ONLY LOVE ME. ) Mr. IF SOMEONE WOULD ONLY LOVE ME. this is my friend.) MILLIE: (Into the phone. MISS DOROTHY I'M GAY WITHOUT PAUSE. using the old bean! Roses. PLAIN TO SEE.) Two dozen. I'M SURE I COULD LOVE SOMEONE MADLY. HEAD AWHIRL! BOTH YES! I'M FALLING IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE. MR. MR. from the Priscilla Hotel.) BOTH YES! I'M FALLING IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE. oblivious to their attraction to one another. GRAYDON and MISS DOROTHY end the number back where they started. MR. I'll order from them. GRAYDON That's. (MISS DOROTHY and MR. Quiet Corner table for two.) Did you two meet? (MISS DOROTHY and MR. ") And John? Flowers. I'M FALLING IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE.
MILLIE: (HE’s turning the knife in her heart.) Long-stemmed. MR. GRAYDON: Plump. (MR. GRAYDON exits U.S.L. and MISS DOROTHY exits SR) MILLIE: (With a tearful edge; how much can a girl take?) On the fat side! (BLACKOUT)
(The window ledge outside of MILLIE's office. JIMMY enters S.L. crawling along the ledge until HE reaches MILLIE's window.) JIMMY: Pssst, Millie. (When MILLIE looks around the office.) Out here. MILLIE : (Spots him on the ledge. Crosses D.S. to inside of window.) For God's sake, Jimmy, what are you doing? JIMMY: How else can I get to you? Old Flannery has every door barricaded. She says you never want to see me again. MILLIE: That’s what I told her.
JIMMY: Take it back, (Teasing MILLIE.) or I'll jump. MILLIE: JIMMY: Jimmy! I'm in no mood for this. It's been a rough day. Can I help?
MILLIE: I don't know; you need a stenog? I'm quitting my job. Mr. Graydon isn't available anymore. He's lost his heart to—talk about your tangled web! He's fallen for a friend of ours. JIMMY : (A guess.) Miss Dorothy? (MILLIE nods "yes. “) What are you talking about? MILLIE: room. JIMMY: MILLIE : Don't deny it, Jimmy. I was a little giddy from champagne, but I saw you leaving her Yes, I went to her room last night. I had to talk to somebody. An intimate conversation, from the looks of it.
JIMMY: As a matter of fact, it was. I've been so confused, Millie, so mixed-up. Ever since you tripped me, life's been topsy-turvy. Like now, for instance... what am I doing on a window ledge hundreds of feet in the air? MILLIE: JIMMY : Good question. Can you answer it inside, Jimmy? You're making me nervous. No thanks. I like the view. The world looks different from up here, Millie.
“I Turned the Corner”
JIMMY : (Spoken.) Dozens of busses... hundreds of cabs... (Sings.) THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE, WAY DOWN BELOW, WANDERING TO AND FRO. TIRELESS PEOPLE, NO TIME TO LOSE, CROWDING THE AVENUES AND PARKS. ON THEIR MARKS, RACING FAST, QUITE A CAST. MILLIONS OF PEOPLE, PICK ANY TWO: THEY COULD BE JUST LIKE YOU AND ME USED TO BE, WAY BACK WHEN, STRANGERS, THEN— I TURNED THE CORNER, AND THERE YOU STOOD, YOUR SMILE LIKE HOME TO ME. YOUR HEART FAMILIAR. NO USE PRETENDING, NOT THAT I COULD. I TURNED THE CORNER WHEN I MET YOU. I TURNED THE CORNER, STOPPED ON A DIME LIKE I REMEMBERED SOMEONE LONG FORGOTTEN. NO MERE FLIRTATION, NO MARKING TIME. I TURNED THE CORNER WHEN I MET YOU, WHEN I MET YOU. (JIMMY cautiously stands tip on the ledge.) WAS OUR ENCOUNTER PLANNED, DESTINY'S GUIDING HAND? FORTUNE OR FATE, IT'S GRAND THE WAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL! (MILLIE tentatively climbs out on the ledge— literally and figuratively. THEY embrace, then immediately pull apart, terrified to be standing 20 stories above Manhattan. JIMMY reaches for MILLIE's band. and they start dancing, tentatively at first, then relaxing into a romantic, "Fred and Ginger" pas de deux.) (Spoken.) JIMMY: MILLIE: JIMMY: MILLIE: Have dinner with me. All right. A celebration. Then leis do it up right: champagne! Caviar!
JIMMY: MILLIE: JIMMY: MILLIE: JIMMY:
Lobster! A four-star joint so swank. they don't put prices on the menu. I've got it. Murry's singing at Cafe Society. We'll go there. Deal. And Dutch treat. Oh, no.
MILLIE: Oh. yes. Well pool what little money we have and blow it all on one memorable meal. And if we don't eat again for a month, who cares? JIMMY: (Sings.) ALL OF THE PAST ERASED, GLORIOUS FUTURE FACED. NOW THAT MY LIFE YOU’VE GRACED, I’LL NEVER BE THE SAME! I TURNED THE CORNER, FEET ON THE GROUND. MY SPIRIT SOARED AS YOU APPEARED BEFORE ME! I WASN’T LOOKING. LOOK WHAT I FOUND! MILLIE: (Sings.) ALL OF THE PAST ERASED, GLORIOUS FUTURE FACED. NOW MY LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME! I TURNED THE CORNER, FEET ON THE GROUND. MY SPIRIT SOARED AS YOU APPEARED BEFORE ME! I DIDN’T LOOK— WHAT I FOUND! JIMMY: I TURNED THE CORNER WHEN I MET YOU. (JIMMY and MILLIE are about to kiss when THEY are voice from O.S.) MR. GRAYDON: JIMMY: MILLIE: John! interrupted by MR. GRAYDON’s
You better get back to work before your ex-love misses you. Pick me up at seven? ledge.)
JIMMY: Pick you up at seven. (MILLIE returns to her desk as JIMMY remains on the BOTH I TURNED THE CORNER.
CHING HO Mh dak. MISS DOROTHY can be heard inside. woe is me! MRS.) He loves me. rehearsing a monologue. MEERS removes two pesticide spray guns from inside the bundle of roses.) Oh. boys? CHANG LO He won’t let you do this to Miss Dorothy. (Blackout) (CHING HO enters on the Apron in from of the curtain) CHING HO: (A struggle to sound out the words phonetically. (The joke is lost on BUN FOO and CHING HO. MEERS: No what. BIN ROO hou mh hou?! Mh hou sehng yaht nam jyuh her?! Would CHANG LO No. so don’t get in our way! . (SHE hands the other spray gun to CHING HO. woe is me! (Another line reading.) Oh.) I love you. MEERS enters with a bundle of pink roses. MRS. SHE tiptoes to MISS DOROTHY’s door and presses her ear against it.) Oh woe is me! (Another line reading. SHE hands one to BUN FOO. SCENE 3 (The twelfth floor of the Hotel Priscilla. Mrs. Miss Dorothy. Somebody loses. MRS. CHING HO Ngoh mh jeun leih seung hoih Dolohkdai Slu je. Mrs. Give it up. and we’re going to win. who drags a reluctant CHING HO on with him. BUN FOO you forget about CHING HO Leih dou mh ming baahk ngoi is! CHANG LO You don’t know what love ching baih mat! BUN FOO Welcome to the world.) He loves me not. Maiyisi.) MISS DOROTHY: (From inside her room. MEERS: (No “Chinese” accent. Meers. SHE is followed by BUN FOO. MRS. somebody wins.) Oh. so it’s back to business.JIMMY WHEN I MET YOU. give it up.
CHOW DIN & KIM SOO ZHAO DAO.) or Mama? (Sings. MRS. SUPERTITLE The sun shines east.) SUPERTITLE Mammy. MEERS removes a photograph from her pocket which she dangles in front of ASIANS: it’s their mother. MRS.S. CHING HO (Sings. boys. Miss Dorothy… “MUQUIN” MRS. MRS.) MU QIN.) MU QIN. It boils down to this: who’s it going to be. ZHAO DAO MU QIN TA SHEN SHANG MOO PAN ZHAO WO ZHAO WO MU QIN TA SHEN SHANG. center. SUPERTITLE Mammy. BIN ROO (Sings.) TAI YANG ZHAO DONG FANG. .(ALL Asians enter from SL and start Ad. CHANG LO TAI YANG ZHAO XI FANG. MEERS: That’s right. SUPERTITLE On Mammy. SUPERTITLE My mammy.) EVERYTHING SEEMS LOVELY WHEN YOU START TO ROAM THE BIRDS ARE SINGING THE DAY THAT YOU STRAY.) Now you’re talking.) Spare me the family feud. BUT WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE FARTHER AWAY THINGS WONT BE SO LOVELY WHEN YOURE ALL ALONE HERE’S WHAT YOU’LL KEEP SAYING WHNE YOURE FAR FROM HOME (MRS.) And curtain! (Pushes them D. Libbing an argument in Chinese) MRS. SUPERTITLE The sun shines west. MEERS: (Quieting them. MEERS BUT YOU KNOW WHERE “TAIYANG ZHAO” BEST. MEERS: (Spoken. MEERS: (Spoken. (Spoken.) BUN FOO (From the heart.
SUPERTITLE Sorry that I made you DAI wait.MRS. MEERS motivated by having gotten them back under her thumb. WAN LE KONG PA NIN BU ZAI I hope and pray I’m not late MRS. MAMMY 4 BROTHERS WO YUEN ZOU BAI WAN LI of those ALL MY MAMMY. MEERS: (Spoken.) SUPERTITLE I’m coming. SUPERTITLE (“My Mammy. they are motivated by filial devotion.” Spelled characters.) WO LAI LIAO MEI TAI BU REN YAO NIN DUO DENG MRS. SUPERTITLE I’d walk a million miles KAN NI XIAO MI MI for .) SUPER TITLE We’d walk a million KAN NI XIAO MI MI smiles. MEERS: Yeah! ALL (Spoken:) SUPERTITLE My heart strings are tangled WANG JIA XIANG around (Sing. vertically in Mandarin SUPERTITLE (“ Mammy.) spelled vertically in MAMMY.) WO LAI LIAIO I’m coming. MEERS: (Spoken.) CHING HO and CHANG LO WO YUEN ZOU BAI WAN LI one for those smiles. JET LOO SUPERTITLE (Sings a la Al Jolson.) too miles for one (ALL dance a soft shoe.) You can taste her cooking! PO MEIN (Sings.) WO DE SIN YONG YUAN Siam-y. MRS. MEERS: Take her home! (Spoken.) It’s never too late for: ALL (Sing. Mammy” Mandarin characters. MRS.
(MUZZY enters DL. BA DA DA DA DA. (MRS.) MUZZY LIFE IS A HOLIDAY.S. BA ROT DAT DA DA. CHING HO and BUN FOO exit into her room. MRS. I'M TALKING JUNE THROUGH MAY. armed with the spray guns. SUPERTITLE We’ll lead a life of crime HAI PA. LONG AS I'M HERE WITH YOU.) MRS. MEERS slams MISS DOROTHY’s door and crosses D. to buy MRS. MEERS opens MISS DOROTHY’s door. “Long as I’m Here With You” MODERNS WE'VE BEEN SAD AND LONESOME. A DREAM COME TRUE: MISS "YOU-KNOW-WHO" IS BACK WHERE SHE BELONGS. BUT TONIGHTTHE WORLD IS RIGHT.R. BA DA DA DA DA DA. BYE-BYE TO LONELY NIGHTS. MODERNS enter D.BUN FOO and BIN ROO WO YI BEI FAN ZUI YE BU us some time. A NIGHTLY SELL-OUT SHOW. MEERS WO YUEN ZOU BAI WAN LI KAN NI XIAO MI MI (exiting in a slow strut S. BA DA DA DA DA DA.L. HERE AT CAFI SOCIETY. SKIES ARE SUNNY AND CLEAR. ONLY NIGHTS WHEN THE TWO OF US CAN COO. MEERS THE REST OF THEIR YEARS! ALL MY MAMMY! SUPERTITLE You know the word. I'M FRONT ROW.) MY MAMMY! (BLACKOUT) SCENE 4 The floor show at Café Society. MEERS THEY’LL WORK FOR MRS. AND BABY. BA DA DA DA DA. MUZZY MODERNS .
ORTHAT THE YANKEES LOSE? CAN'T PAY MY INCOME TAX. IT’S SEVENS EV’RY ROLL SNEAK PEEK AT PARADISE THE VIEW IS MIGHTY NICE I GOT NO BLUES TO SING. MUZZY: I'M LIVIN' PROOF OF IT. CHOOSE TO SING A MELODY FOR TWO.) I GOT NO BLUES TO SING. MUZZY: KID IN A CANDY STORE. IM FRONT ROW BOO-DY-I DAH. OOH. MUZZY AND AS FOR ALL THAT MODERNS OOH. MODERNS: DOO-OO. . MODERNS: DOO-OO. LONG AS I’M HERE WITH YOU MODERNS: (Sing. MODERNS: DOO-OO. MUZZY HAPPY ENDING IS NEAR. HAPPY ENDING IS NEAR. BOO-DY-I DAH. BA DA DA DA DA DA OOH. MUZZY: (Sings. CHOOSE TO SING A MELODY FOR TWO. BA DA DA DA DA DA BOO-DY-I-DAH. MUZZY: THE JACKPOT HAS BEEN HIT.THE WORLD’S A SUGAR BOWL.) LIFE IS A HOLIDAY I’M TALKING JUNE THROUGH MAY A NIGHTLY SELL-OUT SHOW AND BABY. BOO-DY-I-DAH. WHO CARES IF THERE'S NO BOOZE. NO ONE COULD ASK FOR MORE. BUT IN SPITE OF THE FACTS. MODERNS: DOO-OO. LONG AS I'M HERE WITH YOU.
R. KENNETH and PENNY exit S. AND YOU. AND YOU. (To MUZZY’S BOYS. Van H.) AND YOU. AND YOU. as MUZZY takes a bow and blows them kisses.) MATHILDE: Here you are Ma’am your cup of tea MUZZY: Thanks. it almost seemed fun. Let me guess: Jimmy? MILLIE: And I'm so crazy about him. YOU TOO! SO HAPPY.R. That's my plan. and MUZZY takes swig. I was no dummy. AND YOU (To audience. KENNETH hands her tea cup. Mathilde. LONG AS I’M HERE WITH YOU! MODERNS AND YOU. You married well. MATHILDE. CALL THAT PAST! I FOUND A HEART THAT’S TRUE. but I'm no dummy. OOH. AND YOU. Now it's dishes for two hundred. KENNETH: And Mrs.) SCENE 5 (MUZZY’S dressing room.PASSED. DEAR. all right. But not a lifetime of it. MUZZY : Who said there's anything wrong with being a working girl? I was a working girl myself in the chorus.) AND YEAH. AND YOU. PENNY and KENNETH enter. And by the by. MUZZY: PENNY: Between sets? This one you’ll want to see. either. MILLIE: No.. you got yourself a visitor. not for me! I may be a working girl.. MUZZY: Oh. and I've got to stick to it! . LONG AS IM HERE WITH OU. helping MUZZY with her robe. LONG AS I’M HERE WITH. AND YOU. MUZZY WHAT A RED-LETTER YEAR. GOOD-BYE TO YOU! (MODERNS exits S. (MATHILDE. MILLE enters SR) MUZZY : MILLIE : MUZZY : Millie? What are you doing here? It was supposed to be dinner for two. AND YOU.
OR PIN MY FUTURE ON A GREEN GLASS LOVE? WHAT KIND OF LIFE AM I DREAMING OF? I SAY: GIMME GIMME. Van H. .) Oh.) They're starting my number. and Mr. GIMME GIMME THAT THING CALLED LOVE. as fate would have it.) “GIMME GIMME” MILLIE: (Sings. we could have made it on green glass... NOTHING MORE. And I lent it to my girlfriend one night so she could impress a new beau. he gave me this great big old green glass brooch.MUZZY: (As if excited. Van H. MILLIE: But Muzzy— MUZZY: Sit down. I really hadn't. SOCIAL WHIRL. And we became married right away. Well. CLEVER GIRL. SHE stops when she Follow your heart.. Now. love has everything to do with it. He was just another one of those darling daddies hanging around the stage door.) A SIMPLE CHOICE. MARRY WELL. MUZZY: (Telling it like it is. I know you're not going to believe me.) Love has nothing to do with it?! MILLIE: No ma'am! I'm a modern. And he drank beer. Millie. (Moved at the memory of her late husband. if it's marriage you've got in mind. MUZZY: Little Millie.. he just laughed and laughed and laughed.) We could have made it on green glass. (MUZZY starts to exit S . MUZZY: (Even more excited.. I thought Mr. Facts be known. BUSINESSMAN. I had no idea he was a real multi-millionaire. like I say.) You're a dummy. Muzzy. that's what he had. we became engaged. But tweedums. Well.) Jimmy told me your plan! To marry your boss? MILLIE : Yes. you're so worthwhile. Van H. so I begged him to take it back and go straight. But I was heartsick.. the new beau turned out to be a jeweler! And the green glass brooch turned out to be emeralds! I've got to admit. had stolen it. in this case. he was a great and wonderful man. Well. MILLIE: (Hugs MUZZY. and then he told me that he really was a real multi-millionaire. THIS OR THAT. Affection. while I truly prefer emeralds. L. regarding the music. MUZZY: (Spoken. True.L. cross my heart. GIMME GIMME.beer.) reaches the exit. I truly do prefer emeralds. EITHER/OR. but when I first met Mr. I truly prefer. (MUZZY exits S. Sit down. even if he didn't look like one to a girl. Oh. Affection.
) AH! SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE. and DEXTER. THICK 'N THIN. SPARROW! GIMME CUPID'S FAMOUS ARROW. RICH-OR-POOR TIME. S'cuse me. MY BAGS ARE PACKED. is slumped over his table. GIMME GIMME THAT THING CALLED LOVE. I'LL BRAVE IT. woman.I WANT IT. HE'LL BE A SOMEBODY. It's our anniversary. Years. FLY. I NEED IT. DOVE! SING. GIMME HAPPY EVER AFTER. AND I'LL WANT MORE TIME. DEXTER: Eight. ST. GIMME YEARS. DAPHNE: (Spoken to MR. if nouveau rich. ROMEO AND JULIET ME! FLY. GIMME GIMME THATTHING CALLED LOVE. her beleaguered husband. I SEE NOW.) MR. but my husband and I are trying to enjoy a romantic dinner. HIGHS AND LOWS. GIMME GIMME THAT THING CALLED LOVE. I'M FREE NOW. At the next table are DAPHNE. SOMEBODY TO LOVE ME! I NEED IT.) Pardon me. SPARROW! GIMME FAT BOY'S FAMOUS ARROW! GIMME GIMME THAT THING CALLED LOVE! (BLACKOUT) SCENE 6 (The dining room of Cafe Society. VALENTINE. I DON'T CARE IF HE'S A NOBODY. TEARS AND LAUGHTER. Teen. GIMME THAT THING CALLED LOVE. GRAYDON: . I'M. DON'T FORGET ME. AT LAST I'VE FOUND THEE. GRAYDON : (Sings like a drunken moose. GIMME GIMME THAT THING CALLED LOVE. GIMME GIMME THAT THING CALLED LOVE. GIMME GIMME THAT THING CALLED LOVE. DOVE! SING. S'beautiful. GIMME GIMME THAT THING CALLED LOVE. I CRAVE IT. a wealthy. IN MY HEART. GRAYDON. MR. MR GRAYDON drunk and disheveled.FIRST IN LINE! APHRODITE. GIMME GIMME THAT THING CALLED LOVE. I WANNIT! HERE I AM.
Mr. but— (To JIMMY.(Sings another outburst. Could not never be strong enough! GERSHWIN: MILLIE: Could not never? Double negative.) Not strong enough. tapster. Graydon. L. GRAYDON : MILLIE: Set me up. No note. Meers MR.. Oh. (JIMMY enters S. dog. what's happened to you? She stood me up. ma'am. (MR. GRAYDON: MILLIE : Miss Dorothy stood you up? How very strange. GRAYDON: desk— MILLIE: I went to the Hotel Priscilla to call on Miss Dorothy. DOROTHY PARKER: Strong coffee! MR. I never…! (DAPHNE starts to exit S. John.) enters S. MR.R. MR. where is she? .) Chuck it.) MR. MILLIE mistakes her for a waiter.) MR. just chuck it! LILLITH: Well. GRAYDON: (His words slurred.) AH! I KNOW AT LAST THE SECRET OF IT— LILLITH : Sir! I really must insist that you— MR. and spots MILLIE. HE's mean. Graydon?! MR.R.. GRA YDON Mr. and the lady at the front Mrs.) More coffee. GRAYDON: (For a moment. come! (DAPHNE exits S . Go on. ordering DEXTER like a DAPHNE: Dexter. followed by DEXTER. GRAYDON: --said that she had checked out.) John.) I’ll explain later. GRAYDON: Say— MILLIE: (To JIMMY. GRAYDON hands MILLIE his coffee cup. no forwarding address… (HE’s on the verge of becoming a weepy drunk.) JIMMY: MILLIE: Millie! You didn't leave! I started to. Mr. GRAYDON: Oh hello. R MR. Graydon.
except Mrs. I'm calling the police! MILLIE: Wait. And another girl when I first moved in. She's got us! When did you last see her. I figured she was JIMMY: (Starting to exit.GRAYDON: White slavery! (When MILLIE and JIMMY gasp. GRAYDON : MILLIE: JIMMY : MILLIE : napping. no. What we need is a temporary orphan. MR.) You suspect foul play. MILLIE: Ethel peas did. but no answer. who's to question her fate? JIMMY: But Miss Dorothy isn't all alone in the world! Certainly not! MR.) Not if I can help it. MEERS as the orchestra plays a tremlo. GRAYDON: What did the young ladies have in common? Worldly possessions? MILLIE: Gosh. MILLIE: You don't mean-?! (chord) MR. And what's-her-name was flat broke. MR.) "Sad to he awe arone in da whirld. someone who's willing to put herself in . (In a f lash. but true. Meers again. And an orphan. poor thing. at the Priscilla? I knocked on her door when I got home from work. without a word to anyone. Meers is always saying that. Meers. MILLIE: You don't think—?! (chord) JIMMY: I do." (chord) MR. a perfect imitation of MRS. GRAYDON : (Instantly stone cold sober.MILLIE: JIMMY: I don’t know. Something’s very wrong.GRAYDON: How’s that? MILLIE: Mrs. son? JIMMY: She wouldn't check out without telling anyone.) Cruel. If a girl is all alone in the world and she checks out. Ethel peas didn't have a dime. Both of them were here one-day and gone the next. (chord) JIMMY: Mrs.
m. do a sleeping beauty. SCENE 7 (The lobby of the Hotel Priscilla. You sure you come to right place? MRS-. MRS.) Suit yourself.harm's way. she doesn’t 't play the ingénue well) I hope I didn't wake you. and lead us to Miss Dorothy. MRS. I need a room.) Precisely. The Hotel. miss-(Upon closer inspection of MUZZY. MRS. with no “Chinese” accent.) madam? MUZZY : The sign says vacancy. and carrying a beat-up suitcase. HE and GRAYDON follows them. her “Chinese” accent kicking in.? Why would I be asleep? Now.) MRS. (MUZZY rings again. SHE surveys the lobby. MRS. MEERS: At three a. MUZZY enters. woman MUZZY's age .) MILLIE: No but I know exactly who can do it! (JIMMY seems to read MILLIE’s mind. a residence for young ladies. Graydon.R. SHE crosses to the front desk and rings the bell. 1 don't think either of us would pass as a new girl in town. MEERS: MUZZY: This is a hotel.) I’m coming. Utterly clueless.) Coming! (MUZZY rings again. isn't it? Uh-huh. Drowsily. MEERS: MUZZY: So I'd like to fill it. So? MRS. (MILLIE gets an idea. MEERS: (Drops "Chinese "accent in amazement that a considers herself young. what can I do for you. MEERS enters from her office.. MEERS: (From inside her office. JIMMY : JIMMY: I get it! Take the hair. clearly unused to less than four-star accommodations. disguised in ingenue apparel and a blonde wig.) (BLACKOUT) MILLIE exit S. MR. MEERS: MUZZY: (Choosing to ignore the dig.) Do you have any idea what time it is? MUZZY : (For all her talent. Priscilla.
MUZZY: (Forcing herself to ignore the age crack. (Drops the "Chinese "accent.. Buddha? Butterfly here. MEERS: (The word "orphan " is like catnip to her. MILLIE. (Scrutinizes MUZZY) But surely. covering with a forced smile.) A nice sunny room just become available. (Reading over MUZZY's shoulder as MUZZ Y registers.) (BLACKOUT) SCENE 8 . MEERS' office. MEERS: Make it one-fifty.) Oh.) You coming? (MUZZY exits.(Covering the dropped accent with a geisha giggle. slashing the price.. MEERS: (furtively dials the phone. I'm just mad for green tea! MRS." Now. if you'd register. floored by the last name. why don't we get acquainted over a freshly brewed cup of green tea? MUZZY: (Exiting into MRS.) Funny..) "Zazu.) MRS. MUZZY: I can't wait to settle in and start making friends. before I show you to your room. I've got one for you. but in a dark corner on the late. priced to sell at two-seventy (On second thought.) Oh?! Sad to be all alone in the world. MEERS: (Drops the "Chinese "accent and goes for the jugular. S. dropping "Chinese "accent. I don't know a soul anywhere. late shift at Big Mary's Tart Shop in Hong Kong MUZZY: (Peeks her head out of the office. JIMMY and MR.. GRAYDON enter U. Rosy. I don't know a soul in New York. MRS. I think you "Finnish.. except at the orphanage! MRS. R. MEERS: (Back to the "Chinese "accent. Bonaventure's Home for Orphaned Children.) Did you walk? (MUZZY fumes silently. THEY enter the elevator and begin tap dancing.) Two-fifty. MRS. MRS. then back to the "Chinese "accent. and MRS. that was years ago. (MRS MEERS exits into her office.) Shmevmcn?!" MUZZY: It's Swedish.) Not at all. I came straight away from St. MEERS resumes the "Chinese "accent.) Now..) Hello. A little long in the tooth. causing the elevator to ascend. MEERS slashes the price again.
) "Police are on the lookout for Daisy Crumpler.. her hands tied behind her back. help! ALL: Shhhhhh! (CHING HO removes the Chinese/English dictionary then struggles to sound it out. I demand an explanation! (CHING HO points emphatically to an article.) from his pocket. Maiyisi! MISS DOROTHY: Mrs.. R.) MISS DOROTHY: She's coming! (MISS DOROTHY ducks inside the cart. Meers?! (A closer look at the picture accompanying the article. CHING HO closes it and wheels it off S R.. R. MEERS: Where's your brother? (When BUN FOO shakes his head to indicate that HE doesn’t understand. elongating the words as if HE is deaf and/or stupid. HE checks to make sure the coast is clear. SHE reaches for the dictionary. There are three laundry carts -in a row S. no.The Laundry Room all of the ASIANS are on stage doing laundry except BUN FOO.) . L. MISS DOROTHY: (As CHING HO unties her hands. MEERS: (No "Chinese" accent... and stairs S. as MRS MEERS enters S.) Boys where are you?!? (Carrying MUZZY’s suitcase. Instead. SHE repeats the question. BUN FOO enters S.) Yooooooooouuuuuuuuuuur! Brooooooooooooooooooooo! Thceeeeeceececeeer! (SHE'S had it.L. MEERS) MRS. help me! Somebody.. ) This is no time for the newspaper..) No.) Dear me! She needs a new headshot. Miss Dorothy. I don't care how middle class a place it is! (When CHING HO spreads the open newspaper in front of her. (CHING HO closes the dictionary and indicates for MISS DOROTHY to duck inside the cart. Ooooooh! BUN FOO: Ooooooh! (Startled that SHE is startled.? (In a panic as the horror of it dawns on her.) and startles MRS. ." JET LOO and MEI TEI: Mrs.) Most irregular. MISS DOROTHY pops up. But why are the police after her? (CHING HO closes paper to reveal the "White Slavery” headline) "White Slavery". CHING HO wheels a laundry cart on stage. then opens it. BUN FOO mirrors the contorted faces SHE makes in an attempt to figure out what SHE is saying.) MRS.) What is going on around here? ' Wheeling me around in a cart filled with dirty laundry? (As CHING HO rifles through a tabloid newspaper. finds the word. CHING HO: I protect you. her mouth gagged CHING HO removes her gag. MISS DOROTHY reads from the newspaper.
as MRS MEERS crosses to the laundry cart closest to center and sits on it. You can't prove anything.move the "v". MEERS: So it's a budget hotel. what that name again? Van Hoss-a-mere? No.. What are you going to do about it? You won't talk where you're going.. MRS. ) .R. for effect.. (No "Chinese "accent.) Go! Find! Ching Ho! (BUN FOO exits slowly tip the stairs S L. MEERS: Skip it! Been in this country over a month.. Muzzervane. MEERS: (In her most exaggerated "Chinese "accent yet. you doped me and stashed me in a cart. just one tough broad.) Daisy Crumpler! I haven't seen you since they kicked you out of the chorus.. MRS.) MUZZY: How do you know my-? (A flash of recognition. MEERS: MUZZY: I was too good for the chorus.MRS. MR. I'm onto your little operation. A restless girl. addressing its contents..) Muzzy Van Hossmere?! (Leaps off the cart and opens it... MUZZY: The disappearance of Muzzy Van Hossmere will cause quite a stir! MRS.carry the "h". like countless others.Mossy H.) Zazu Rosy Shmcvmen..) I sorry. laundry cart.. who no one ever misses when they disappear (in “Chinese " accent. But I do recall that Zazu Shmevmen check in. you're slipping. You are going nowhere. MEERS: MUZZY: C'mon. then check out of my hotel today.separate the 'Y's Susan Zory Mezhmev..) But then I don't have to tell you. just like that mother of yours.) Hold right. I don't know a Van Hoss-amere. She will rot in Hong Kong before I import her and you're too big a fool to know it! (Using gestures to convey the meaning.. (Maybe you could make that tip!) Or could you?! (Doing the math in her head. MRS. unless you speak Chinese.. Well.) Or can I still call you Mabel! (MUZZY sits up inside the cart.) Zazu Rosy Shmevmen. and you still don't speak a word of English.) "compretery!" (No "Chinese" accent. (Amused by the name. Muzzy Van Hossmere.) orphans every one of'em.?! You couldn't make that up. Zazu.. (That name she recognizes. The boat won't sail without you. You'll have lots of time to hear their stories as you get to know them on those summer nights in Hong Kong! (Front inside the S. GRAYDON pops up.
BUT I DO RECALL THAT ZAZU SHMEVMEN CHECK IN THEN CHECK OUT OF MY HOTEL TODAY. .) MOO PAN: Buddha get girl. Meers get cash. stage name. MEERS.) VAN HOSSMERE? NO I DON'T KNOW A VAN HOSSMERE. LIKE COUNTLESS OTHERS. MEERS So. Jimmy.MEERS: (BUN FOO Races down the stairs and crosses to MRS. MEERS: Character part. a character part in a sordid tale of villainy and terror? MRS. is this what you've been reduced to. GRAYDON EV'RY WORD OF YOUR SUMMATION! BOTH FASTEST STENOG IN THE NATION! (JIMMY pops up next to MILLIE in the middle cart..) AAAAAH! MRS. A RESTLESS GIRL. WHO NO ONE EVER MISSES WHEN THEY DISAPPEAR "COMPRETERY. MUZZY: Not alias. or whatever your alias du jour is. Thousand dollar for Miss Dorothy! MRS. Me English better than you Chinese! (MR.) ALL: (Minus MRS. GRAYYDON and JIMMY help MUZZY out of the carts. YOU'LL HAVE LOTS OF TIME TO HEAR THEIR STORIES AS YOU GET TO KNOW THEM ON THOSE SUMMER NIGHTS IN HONG KONG. But Daisy. ORPHANS EV'RY ONE OF' EM.?! Character part?! Try star! . MEERS.) MILLIE: (Sings rapid fire.. or Crumpler. CHOW DIN: Five. MEERS. MEERS: If you want to see your mama anytime soon BUN FOO: PO MEIN: MILLIE and JIMMY: You liar! You no bring mama over. GRAYDON: Read that back to me. you eavesdropped on me? Hearsay! Inadmissible! Where's the proof? Where's the proof?! (BUN FOG appears at the top of the stairs. six hundred dollar. MR.) KIM SOO: Hong Kong! Whhaatt?! MRS. THEY form a group around MRS.. steno pad in hand. Meers. please! (MILLIE pops up from inside the middle cart.) It's over." BUT THEN I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU.MR.
GRAYDON: But what about me? MISS DOROTHY: Puppy love. GRAYDON.L. MEERS.S. revealing CHING HO and MISS DOROTHY in an embrace. GRAYDON sulks. ASIANS congratulate CHING HO.) MILLIE: JIMMY: MUZZY: BUN FOO: Oh. searching for MISS DOROTHY as MRS.) MISS DOROTHY AH! SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE AT LAT I’VE FOUND THEE. Miss Dorothy! MISS DOROTHY: I love that! (MILLIE.) AH! WO MING BAI secret of it all! SUPERTITLE Ah! I know at last the SHENG MING DE YI YI LIAO (CHING HO and MISS DOROTHY embrace) MR.MILLIE: Well your show's about to close. Unless you hand over Miss Dorothy.) MR. CHING HO: I would die for you. GRAYDON takes a breath to sing in response as BUN FOO tears down the sheets center stage. MISS DOROTHY’s voice is heard. Meers! MUZZY: Where is she? MILLIE: Don’t worry. she won’t get far. MEERS escapes behind the stairs. GRAYDON: MR. Immediately. all attention is diverted from MRS. (Calling O.) Aiya! Mrs. MR.. JIMMY and MUZZY surround MISS DOROTHY.S. thank God! Tell us what happened. JIMMY AND MUZZY Where is she? (From O. Miss Dorothy. GRAYDON: (Spoken. Trevor. What you’ve been through! Ching ho! BIN ROO: (Looking around. MILLIE. girls? . (ALL scramble the stage. but then Ching Ho rescued me from an unspeakable fate. MR.) Right.) Miss Dorothy! (MR.) CHING HO (Sings. I thought it was the real thing.
) ETHEL: Move it along Meersie! (MRS. GLORIA You better believe it. MEERS. before we were interrupted by kidnapping. It droppeth as the gentle—“ (Minus MRS. Meersie? RUTH That’s right. MEERS. MABEL: She’ll be tap dancin’ for 25 to life. MEERS : ALL: Next! "The quality of mercy is not strained. stops just long enough to speak in woeful Chinese.) ALICE Hear that. Millie. MODERNS Sad to be all alone in the world. pushing the spray guns away as if parting a curtain. MRS. MEERS exit) JIMMY: So where were we. MEERS Sigh guy sinung dan disk ho chAum. LUCILLE: And there's a reward: we’ll be surrounded by a precinct full of men! SARA: Of Police Officers…in uniforms…protecting us… (MODERNS squeal with excitement. yeah. (THEY force MRS. RUTH. MEERS ALICE is on the landing. then start to' exit. MEERS out with them. (MODERNS AND MRS.. When SHE reaches the top. (Kneels on one knee.) RITA We'd love to chat. white slave trading and the like? Oh. MEERS exits tip the stairs.) MRS. SHE clears her throat. ALICE takes up the rear.(MODERNS enter SL from behind the staircase. then GLORIA. MEERS.) MRS. SHE. RUTH is at the top of the stairs. CORA The one gig I'm sure she'll book. . MEERS stops them. spray gun in hand. but Meersie's got an audition down at police headquarters. then to MILLIE) Will you marry me? MILLIE: Jimmy—?! . forcing MRS. MEERS onto the stairs S L. GLORIA and ALICE point their pesticide spray guns at MRS.. then MRS. They are carrying pesticide spray guns and are followed by MRS.
(A short beat. your father would be so proud of you. (As JIMMY embraces MILLIE and MISS DOROTHY embraces CHING HO. . but. love has everything to do with it. JIMMY: Several hundred. The fortune was founded in steel. Right. And they have.. too?! MISS DOROTHY: I'm his sister.? MISS DOROTHY: That's not far from the truth. Muzzy? MUZZY: MILLIE: Hallelujah! Now Jimmy.) JIMMY: MILLIE: JIMMY: Answer the question! Will you marry me? I'll marry you. MILLIE: (To JIMMY. the paper clips. GRAYDON: (Crossing to MILLIE. so I sent the children out in the real world with twenty-five dollars each. . (Shaking MILLIE's hand. John. And Van Hossmere. every fortune hunter in this hemisphere was after Dorothy. Millie. actually.) Oh children. Mask? JIMMY: I’m Herbert J. MUZZY: MILLIE: JIMMY: The "J" is for James.. Van Hossmere Worldwide Enterprises owns the Sincere Trust Insurance Company.) You included. you're in on this. truly sweet partners. MILLIE: Miss Dorothy. the Third. Won't happen again. Dorothy Carnegie Mellon Vanderbilt Van Hossmere! MUZZY: You see. because if it's marriage I have in mind. Poor as I am? MILLIE: Poor as you are. (To JIMMY. and James was squandering his time and money on the wrong kind of women. Van Hossmere. John.) Congratulations. JIMMY holds his breath. well.. as in Muzzy?! My mother! MUZZY: Stepmother! I'm not old enough to be your mother.) So I guess you already have a stenog. MR. off with the mask.) I thought I recognized you last night sir.. and the high hopes that they'd come back with truly. John Barleycorn had the better of me. MILLIE: So it was all a lie? The Circle Line. first vice president of Van Hossmere Worldwide Enterprises.
MUZZY blows a kiss to her late husband up above. you can marry the boss after all. GRAYDON: I can't live without John! She's the best darn stenog I ever had.S.R. `CAUSE HERE COMES THOROUGHLY MODERNS GROUP 2 BEAT THE DRUMS.S. (MILLIE and JIMMY exit SR.) Stenog? I type fifty words a minute! (BUN FOO leaps into MR. GOOD GOODY OOH. GRA YDON and BUN FOO cross U . AND HOW! ALL I'M CHANGING. and disappear behind the MODERNS.) AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH. BUN FOO: (Running from behind the ASIANS to D. AND HOW! I'M CHANGING. MISS DOROTHY and CHING HO exit S. AND (MR.) HAVE YOU SEEN THE WAY THEY KISS INTHE MOVIES? MISS DOROTHY: (To CHING HO.(MR GRAYDON crosses S .) MODERNS GROUP I MODERNS GROUP 2 GOOD-BYE. but MILLIE grabs his band and pulls him back for one more embrace center stage as the MODERNS slowly cross D. at a loss for words. center. MILLIE: Who cares? I found myself a green glass love. MODERNS enter DSL.L.) MR.S.L. I'M CHANGING. MR.S. OFFICE enter US on platform) ALL AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH.S. snookums. `CAUSE HERE COMES THOROUGHLYMODERNS GROUP I HOT OFF THE PRESS! ONE STETAHEAD! JAZZ AGE! . (MR GRAYDON crosses U. center from behind the MODERNS. (Sings to MILLIE. MILLIE and JIMMY start to twit S. GRAYDON runs D. GIRL. MISS DOROTHY and CHING HO embrace. MUZZY’S enter DSR. I found myself an emerald.) ISN'T IT DELECTABLE? ( MILLIE and JIMMY embrace.) MODERNS GROUP 1 SO BEAT THE DRUMS. center.) MUZZY: (To MILLIE.) Yyyyyyyyyy-ep. and stops next to MISS DOROTHYand CHING HO. (MUZZY exits S-R.R. GRAYDON's arms. JIMMY: Funny. THEY exit delightedly S.) So you see.
S.MODERNS GROUP 2 HOT OFF THE PRESS! ONE STEP AHEAD! JAZZ AGE! ALL WHOOPEE BABY! WE'RE SO THOROUGHLY MODERN— (The MODERNS part to make way for MABEL.) ALL (Minus NEW MODERN. MABEL surveys her surroundings with awed excitement before turning her back to us and striking MILLIE’s opening pose.) NOW! (As the MODERNS hit their last note.) . who crosses D. center carrying the telltale suitcases. a young girl in her Sunday best. Another MILLIE about to happen in the never-ending story that is New York City.
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