christine akiteng


a practical guide to activating the natural seducer in you

Copyright © 2007 Christine Akiteng

THE ART OF SEDUCING OUT OF FULLNESS: A Practical Guide to Activating the Natural Seducer in You

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The Art of Seducing Out of Fullness™—eBook

Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach

– Kola Boof . She studies it. adds to it. and with her own person.Any real queen preserves her mother’s history and her grandmother’s history. That’s what makes a woman a woman no matter what race you are. knows it by heart.

. fragrance . The Dance of Emotional Attraction 43 The one who gets to keep the man or woman is the one who offers more than visual appeal. 5. rhythm. The “Sexth” Sense—You Can’t Fake It 52 Charisma. . . . companionship. . . as it turns out. . Learn what you can do about it . 4. It Takes Two to Tango 14 Some people are just not fit for reciprocal seduction. Get the real scope on becoming emotionally attractive . 6. This “guide” will give you important clues on what to expect from certain kinds of people .CONTENTS Preface Introduction 1. You must also be sexually charged with the “swish and swagger” of Eros . The Real Heart of the Matter 25 Find out why your “timing” is wrong most of the time—you either come on too strong. love. 7. and a lasting relationship—can be undermined by the means we employ to obtain it . Sensuousness Is Half Seduction Done 35 If you’re sensuous enough. . . . © 2007 Christine Akiteng page v . intensity. or too slow . too fast. . . Reprogramming Your Sexual Code 63 You could be generating too much or too little sexual energy and it is affecting how you come across to the opposite sex. everything you say or do will have its own quality. too hard. isn’t everything. vii 1 5 2. 3. . . flavour. The Seduction Game The very thing we seek—friendship.

how to touch. . 10. fascinated. The Rhythmic Aura of a Dancer/Musician 129 Call it the Elvis Presley phenomenon—you too can leave an imprint that makes a man or woman want to become you. . Turning Up the Heat 120 People love those who can artfully string them along while keeping them entertained. hide the cutlery! Appendix: Seduction and Ritual Courtship (African Style) References About the Author © 2007 Christine Akiteng page vi 160 169 171 . Keeping in Touch 140 Should you initiate touch? How do you know when to touch. but for the intimacy that conversation brings. Those who succeed are those who are able to “heat things up” to a “cozy” level . . 13. and be together with you. Here is how you work this magic . 12. . and how often to touch? 15. Change How You Say It. forever . Creating That “Warm and Fuzzy” Feeling 88 How attractive we are is linked to how “warm” the other person finds us to be. catch the whole person by learning how to speak or converse with the eyes as you do with speech! 11. . vitality. The Alchemy of the Sensuous Gourmet 154 If what you’re after is ravishing your date’s palate and imagination. . Sexing the Body 72 Teach your body to exude an inner as well as outer physical presence that has character. Learn the five fascinating ways of sparking it off . . mystery. More than What Meets the Eye 97 Do more than catch his or her eye. not so much for the words that are said. . where to touch. Change the Chemistry 111 Talking is an important part of the art of seduction. 14.contents 8. and anticipating. amused. . 9. and sex appeal . .

here are scores of books and thousands of internet articles on the art of seduction. Some are informative, a few are practical, but most are at best ineffective and at worst counter-productive. This book is different. The principles and insights in this book are unlike any traditional dating advice that you get from the mainstream media or dating websites. I am more interested in helping you create powerful attraction—created by both together. It doesn’t matter if you just met five minutes ago, or if you’ve been married for thirty years, the information in this book will help you playfully draw out the other person into creating an exclusive emotional bond that is, by usual norms, extremely rare. By getting you more involved in the process, you will gain a greater appreciation of your own perceptions—why you act the way you do, and why things happen as they do. With increased knowledge of your own behaviour and that of others, you will prepare yourself for and give yourself the permission to really celebrate with yourself and with others the power and beauty of what you have inside. I encourage you to break out of your “box” and seek to be extraordinary. Let your creativity transform you into “the Natural” you’ve always wanted to be. Take the moment—a piece of forever—and really live it!


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he phrase “a natural” is popping up everywhere these days—in hit movies, seduction books, dating websites and even prime-time television shows. There is so much talk about “naturally” attracting a man or woman that dating, flirting and seduction gurus say virtually every man and woman these days is asking for advice on how to become “a natural” flirt, seducer or lover. But what is it about “the natural” that’s so appealing? And more importantly, why are so many men and women these days interested in naturally free-flowing ways of attracting the opposite sex? Generally, when people talk about or even think about the art of seduction, it is a specific series of actions, routines, or techniques that one learns and “does” to entice another person into doing what he or she would normally not want to do. It’s a game that uses charm and manipulation to create self-doubt inside another person. Once the other person feels uncertain about him or herself, they are susceptible to any kind of exploitation. This disenchanted interpretation of the art of seduction does not create attraction. If anything, it makes the opposite sex more suspicious of your intentions and more resistant to your advances. Given the fact that exploitative seduction has impregnated our society, should we throw up our hands and give up? Certainly not! This upbeat and on-target book will show you a different side to the art of seduction— one that is a friendly and pleasurable precursor to a lifetime of love, trust, compatibility, passionate intimacy and happiness with another person. Until now, the real secrets of this ancient art have been buried in obscure journals full of academic jargon and footnotes. In fact, so powerful is this knowledge that the ancients were convinced it was the secret of youth, health, and vitality. In traditional African cultures where the art of seduction (commonly known as the “delicate art of arranging to be caught”) is still part of the rites of passage to adulthood, it is believed to this day, that men and women with a natural sexual intensity have an effect on the op-

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posite sex that ordinary males and females can only dream about. Any man or woman who wants to be in a relationship with these males or females has to brush up on how to be a good lover or spouse in order to keep them interested. Now you too can learn how to make yourself interesting, intriguing, and irresistible. Part of your appeal is your own individual energy—what the French call esprit. This is your most powerful seduction tool. In this book I will show you how to empower yourself to live out your essence— reclaiming what is real about you and re-creating your own identity, one that meets your needs and protects your personal boundaries. Preparation is important to you. It significantly affects your chances of succeeding or failing in the use of this powerful medium. In fact, the first half of the book is focused on how to prepare you for the art of seduction—and for a meaningful relationship. You will get it “right” because of your ability to hold and express your own in a consistent, creative, interesting, challenging and mesmerising manner. Some of the advantage-gaining qualities you will naturally cultivate using the principles in this book include: 1. Self-assured confidence: This is what this whole book is all about— developing inner confidence and communicating that fullness of being in ways that draw others to you. You will learn how to be fundamentally at ease in your own skin. 2. Lavish sensuousness: Sensuousness is a prerequisite for any kind of seduction that includes pleasure and this book shows you how you can enhance your natural sensuousness in ways that you’d never thought possible. You’ll be more exciting and interesting to the opposite sex because the expression of your sensuousness will be free and natural. 3. Sophisticated mysteriousness: Several chapters in the book make reference to just how important it is to be subtle in a playful way. The important thing is to be able to project an “edge” that is graceful yet edgy, rugged but still polished, friendly yet reserved. It’s this “captivating dis-

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4. it is all about responding to the basic impulse for a life that is fulfilling. . 7. The look of mischief that has laughter and delight in the eyes: A whole chapter of the book is devoted to helping you use the eyes as a window to the untamed wildness of soul. This will make you a much more interesting person who brings joy. greater . You will learn how to positively overflow with a genuine appetite for life—and for living. You will feel comfortable to put yourself out there partly because you feel secure enough to just be yourself. you will develop the kind of attitude that gets people excited just thinking of talking to you or getting to see you again. You will © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 3 . ashamed. drive. empathy. The second half of the book shows you how to send a strong signal that can create more interest and more attraction. Human warmth—sincerity. this book will show you how you too can realize carefree fearlessness. and purposeful. . intensity of soul. unknown. This is not some magical solution for doing away with feared outcomes. . fun. openness. . Wit and humour: The entire book is about learning how to be generous with your time and your presence. to someone who is bold and tries new things.introduction sonance” that keeps the “want to know” minds of the men or women you are seducing engaged. simplicity. genuineness. Exuberant vitality: Whether you call it living with passion. satisfying. or uncomfortable with the opposite sex. By being able to see the “fascinating” in the most simple of things and the most ordinary of places. 6. or bounce. This is a very interesting way of calling out to the primal in the opposite sex. and approachability: You will learn how to express strong and authentic emotions. which will in turn make them want to be around you. and affection. Relaxed vulnerability: If you want to transform yourself from someone who is too afraid. rather it is about getting into the game knowing that some of those things which you most fear can happen to you but that’s okay because you can handle it. The other part of your appeal is your ability to offer something more . 5. 8. and inspiration to those around you.

each chapter includes exercises to assist you in reflecting on and further integrating the principles in the book. heighten awareness. To make the information in the book as immediately useful as possible. exhausted. you cannot become proficient simply by reading a book about it. The mystery of this forgotten and long-misunderstood timeless ritual may well be what you need to free you to be more whole and more passionate about life.introduction learn how to create experiences that titillate the senses. not on someone pushing them to do things they already don’t want to do or to surrender what they don’t want to surrender. and engage a wellspring of primal emotions. I have also included many examples from my own personal experiences and those of my clients. As with any skill. The other person’s inspiration to participate in the experience will come from the pleasure he or she takes in his or her own involvement in the creating of attraction. prolong anticipation. or indolent state. into a state of excitement and industriousness in other areas of life. Practice is essential in becoming a natural in the use of the art of seduction. and to stir you out of a depressed. lackluster. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 4 . Hopefully they will inspire you into deeper reflection and life-changing decisions.

It implicitly demands that if you are the seducer. . Even experienced daters agree that the pressure to cause a particular effect on a potential partner can sometimes be too much.THE SEDUCTION GAME When seen from the perspective of getting us back to the importance of using all of our fundamental values—being a personal example. T In an increasingly cross-gender hostile environment. you automatically take the role of “persuader” and “influencer” while the seducee takes the role of “persuadee” and “resister. integrity. funny. The traditional one-sided model of seduction in which the seducee is a passive participant to be impressed or even coerced places the responsibility for obtaining results too much upon the seducer. smart enough. This is what I am supposed to say or sound like. you are expected to keep your status as persuader by disabling and breaking down the per- © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 5 .” That uncertainty and the fear that you might not be found attractive enough. intelligent.” it can often feel intimidating and confusing—“I think there is a way I am supposed to look and behave.” If resistance is expected it is already very powerful . of enjoying something new and something different! But if you are unfamiliar with the “rules of engagement. anticipation of having a great experience. honesty. or good enough can shoot your anxiety level to the sky. having a warm nature. and challenging. and openness—seduction has connotations of magic! he mere mention of the word “seduction” creates feelings of anticipation—anticipation of spending time with someone interesting. . successful enough.

the seduction game
suadee’s resistance and/or their willingness to employ that resistance. You are expected to dress to convincingly look attractive, and to act in ways scripted to make you appear to “fit” the persuadee’s aspirations. You are also expected to know some manipulative admiration in the form of compliments and other “supportive” rewards. But sometimes, no matter what you do to persuade a man or woman, you start to feel as if you’re fighting your way through a brick wall. The more resistance you encounter, the more you feel pressured to misrepresent yourself—withhold relevant facts, stretch the truth a little bit, say only the “right” things, and pretend you like the same things they like, etc. In some cases, what initially were good intentions simply regress into coercive power. You begin to use unrelenting persistence, forcefulness, pressure, and manipulative behaviour by exploiting their fears, anxiety, and insecurities, and by threatening them with regrettable consequences if they don’t yield. Mind control tactics and covert hypnotism are probably the most insidious types of coercion because they aim at advancing one’s own agenda while the other person is in a vulnerable state.
So why do so many men and women use “force-influence” and persuasive appeals?

The answer is actually more obvious than you might think. In our society, a tremendous amount of resources are devoted to persuading, influencing, requesting, enticing, cajoling, demanding, exhorting, and manipulating others to further our ends and accomplish our own purposes. This includes people asking you to buy products and services, telling you where to spend more money, showing you where to go and when to go, suggesting how you should think about things, advising you on the ideologies to believe, and so forth. It seems everywhere you turn there is someone who wants you to do something and is trying to get you to do it in a way that is advantageous to them. Force-influencing styles and persuasive appeals are all part of this wider mentality—How can I get what I want? Who can I get it from? Who is less likely to resist? What technique can I use to break down resistance? Et cetera.

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The strength of force-influencing styles and persuasive appeals is based on the ability to use systemic reason (factual discussions, arguments, and proofs); a penchant for persuading doubters; and intellectual ammunition (manipulation, subtle humiliation and/or brainwashing). The only requirements are the ability to compose logical arguments, knowledge, verbal fluency, ability to “soften up” others, and plain old-time hypocrisy. This “skill-set” is what is used to deliberately destabilize and diminish the victim’s defence mechanisms (self concept, emotional self-control, awareness, world view, interpretation of reality) and create or foster a sense of powerlessness if not hopelessness. The “emotional” aspects such as compliments, admiration, approval, affection, and other supportive rewards are used at calculated intervals, and on the persuader’s agenda. “Persuasion” is accomplished when the individual gradually loses his or her ability to “resist” and in most cases, his or her ability to make independent decisions or exercise informed consent. We all have at some level or other suffered from the disastrous effects of force-influencers and persuaders, and it would be easy to point out many spheres where our attempts at bonding with others have been more manipulative and selfish than loving and selfless.
Some people are so wrapped up in force-influencing or coercive persuasion they are not even consciously aware of when they are doing it . ..

Men and women who worship at the altar of force-influencing or coercive persuasion come in different shapes and personalities. They can be charming and genuine, flirtatious and adaptive, charismatic and verbally expressive. And they can also be arrogant and impatient, snobbish and controlling, superficial and guarded. These men and women also tend to flaunt exaggerated empathy, staged enthusiasm, and spine-chilling reasonableness—a combination that makes them a formidable force. Over the years, and after a few one-week flings with a good number of them, I’ve found that force influencers are people who do not feel valued for who they are, but rather feel valued for what they can do. They are basically “high-achieving performers” who want an intellectual challenge;
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and persuading and convincing is just another way for them to measure their own “dazzling array of persuasive ingenuity” against that of others. A majority are consciously and purposefully seeking validation and feedback about their “self-worth” from the people they try to persuade and perhaps from themselves as well. The ability to override another person’s will gives them some kind of “value,” confidence, or sense of self-worth. But this is a false sense of self-worth. It is self-worth that is contingent on whether one can “impose his or her will” on another. If they aren’t able to override another’s will, “coercive” persuaders feel unworthy and spited. When we allow ourselves to be manipulated by another, we are basically giving away our power. A person in his or her own personal power, full of self-love and self-worth, cannot be force-influenced, manipulated, or easily influenced by external forces.
People who have moderate levels of self-esteem are more susceptible to being “force-influenced” than those with very low or high self-esteem ...

When you try (unsuccessfully) to forcefully influence someone with a high sense of self-esteem by applying external pressure on that person, the result is the creation of conflict within the individual. In order to resolve the internal pressure he or she feels as a result of your persuading, the individual consciously (or subconsciously) chooses a course of action that exercises his or her own power over the conflicting thoughts and behaviours, and as a result, exhibits reactive behaviour rather than compliance. A solid sense of self-esteem can serve as a buffer against forceful external influences and pressures, but interestingly, so can very low self-esteem. While people with low self-esteem are more likely to place more confidence in others other than themselves and therefore appear to be more susceptible to persuasion, they are also more inwardly focused (shy, distrustful, aloof) and generally preoccupied with their “feelings” and “hurts” that overall, they tend to be less open to external influences. Their constant “testing” behaviour makes them less appealing to persuaders. This narrows the field down to those in the middle of the self-esteem scale. Men and women who have moderate levels of self-esteem are out© 2007 Christine Akiteng page 8

feelings. opinions. beg. manipulate. it looks as if there is no choice in this. this is all we’ve ever known and done to get anything from others. needs. cut and bail out . To many of us. Most people learn. desires. Traditional “force-influencing” styles have a short life. and whatever else. We somehow believe that certain things can only be done by overriding another’s will to get him or her to think a certain way and to do things we want the person to do.the seduction game wardly-oriented enough to be open to external influences but not so selfconfident or assertive enough that they’re easily persuaded and easily taken advantage of by others. Many later regret having been taken in and wish they were more skilled at resisting the smooth talk of others. and feelings listened to by others and getting your wants. Even when we know deep within. We are convinced that if we manage the situation and choose the “correct” technique. or force someone to want to be with you. Oftentimes they find themselves questioning the credibility of the persuader. . when they can persuade themselves happily and willingly? © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 9 . doubting the “attraction” and the feelings they’ve developed. wants. . and desires met is a key part of a great relationship—and we all need to be better negotiators—but wise men and women also know that a fulfilling relationship is one that enables both parties to advance a range of thoughts. needs. The result is a gnawing sense of uncertainty. interests. that our well-being and happiness is best served by generous and open attitudes toward one another. Even when they finally find someone they really like and one who might genuinely like them back or even possibly fall in love with them. the temptation to react to life’s daily difficulties with force-influencing seems irresistible. through jointly-decided action. fantasies. Why persuade. they find it hard to trust the other person’s words and actions and often wonder if they are being taken in for a ride. For a majority. Being firm about having your thoughts. the opposite sex’s response will be as reliable as the springing of a mousetrap. opinions.

Whatever desirable behaviour and attitude changes they make will result from their exposure to your fascinating vibrant and warm nature than from perfected coercive persuasion tactics that destroy their independent decision-making ability. Finally. inspires them. Do your part and he or she will gladly do his or her part . instead of being acted upon by someone else. It tried to blow the coat off the man’s back. your warmth overflows to others. And no sooner did the man see the Sun come out that he took off his coat happily and willingly. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 10 . they develop their own internal. Then it was the Sun’s turn. Just like the Sun. . There is an old story about the Sun and the Wind arguing among themselves as to which of them was the strongest. It showed itself to the man. When you are truly in touch with your “human warmth” that exists without the need for control or manipulation. it is your “human warmth” that moves them. It is far easier for a man or woman to be self-persuaded when they find themselves in situations which motivate them to delve into their own inner being and discover new avenues that can stretch them to heights and depths they did not think possible. and permanently when a person acts upon him or herself. . effortlessly. in despair. The Wind went first. and gives them reason to want and even to actively seek interaction with you.the seduction game Attraction happens quickly. They agreed to a contest to see who could most quickly get a man’s coat off his back. the more tightly the man clutched his coat about him against the force and chill of the gale. It sent its gale upon him full force. They “decide” to be seduced and carried along because they find your “warmth” a compelling force that is appealing and attractive. However. gently bringing forth its light and warmth. situation-driven behaviour. motivates them. And once they attain deep knowledge and understanding. the Wind gave up. the stronger it blew.

There’s no master planner or hero of an erotic grand plan. and alarmingly effective way of inviting another person to a sensuous experience designed to heighten all of his or her senses. Think of when you invite a friend for a walk.the seduction game The art of seducing should be a desire to “make beautiful music together. no aggressor or victim. . subtle. and rather slow. transparency. and no need to prove that one cannot be resisted. momentous. the art of seduction becomes a lively. Both the seducer and seducee are active.” literally and figuratively . you also know that any misrepresentation of yourself or manipulation of information to your favour may cause you not to enjoy the experience. or shopping. . Each person is responsible for their own happiness. and no active or passive partner. The experience is animated by a search for understanding and making sense of each other … © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 11 . or overpowered. no subject or object. whether they know it or not—in mutual seduction each person allows the other to arrive at the “right” conclusions on their own. By asking him or her to come along. At the same time. but you are not responsible for that happiness. . The one who initiates seduction does so to lose oneself in the other. to the movies. At the same time. you are offering the gift of your presence and action hoping it will contribute to his or her happiness. outwitted. aware. you know that it’s just an invitation and the other person has the option of accepting or declining. . friendly. The same things seem funny. or especially meaningful to both at the same time. Unlike seduction by persuasion which only has one goal—to persuade or convince the other person that you are what they are looking for or want. Both of you act on an implicit understanding that your wellbeing is best served by a nourishing exchange of energies and some degree of equality. and both to each other—unapologetically and unhindered—go through a series of electrifying experiences. You know that it is something that would be fun for both of you. and reciprocity. When approached from the angle of openness and mutual well-being. to go watch a soccer game. and totally involved .

the seduction game

We cannot say who seduced who because the set borders between seducer and seducee seemingly break down and the one who is being seduced sometimes becomes the one who seduces. One person starts something and the other takes it up, and the one who started it adds to it. Each mutual move and counter-move is a balanced graceful response and part of a natural and instinctive expression of affection and warmth for the other. This vacillation between one and the other plays a large role in closing up the gap in emotional and physical distance. Most people wind up liking each other more.
There is no inherent disgrace in being seduced or in seducing . . .

This way of seducing is all part of living life in the most fully human manner possible. Unlike in other types of seduction where the seducer’s only intent is to “have his or her way” with no respect for the seducee, who ends up feeling used, this way of seducing seeks consent and agreement. Each party respects the other as a self-directing individual with an ability to make the best decision. Both refrain from assuming that they already know the thoughts, feelings, and intentions of the other. Instead, they see and relate to each other as unique and dynamic entities who are constantly changing and making choices at each and every moment. This way of respectful inquiry stimulates a new sort of relating that allows for compatibility to surface freely. This interplay of feelings and thoughts creates something new that is built by both together.
There is no fixed goal or predetermined agenda; what will or will not happen cannot be predicted . . .

The flow of experience in mutual seduction is one of interaction that is rewarding in itself, one that is done not with the expectation of some future benefit, but simply because the doing of it is the reward. Nothing is rehearsed or scripted, everything happens in the here and now. Without worrying about what will happen tomorrow or the day after that, both seducer and seducee exhibit patience, open-mindedness, flexibility, and a sense of adventure as they pose challenges, raise the stakes, tease, entice, and provoke each other to turn up the heat and “mess about” in the realm
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of reciprocal uncertainty which can, in time, evolve into long-lasting bonds that include sexual interaction. This kind of seduction is more enjoyable, and moves along the path and flow of common goals and activities. Without a good dose of this kind of mutual seduction, male-female interactions become sluggish, dispirited, and self-interested.

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No matter how much you know or how good you are, you must have an equally active partner for seduction to be pleasurable and meaningful.

he experience of seduction is really about a flow of mutual happiness, affection, understanding, and pleasure. The trouble, of course, is that nothing you do or say matters if the other person is not responsive, appreciative, or even worth it. A man or woman you chose to seduce or open yourself up to be seduced by has to some degree be open, honest, trusting, committed, and somewhat like you if the experience is to be pleasurable and meaningful. And in order to achieve a flow in the experience, both parties need to be ready and really after the same thing. When you know, to some degree, that you are both ready and want the same thing, you can be more flexible in the interaction; changing some things and adding others to create experiences that overlap and fall into a category that deserves a separate name— enjoyment. Enjoyable experiences occur when two people feel satisfied that they are having the experience they really want, or that they have gone beyond what they’ve experienced before. Choosing wisely will serve you well in the short and long term. While you may only be choosing a man or woman to engage in a mutual dance of seduction and not choosing a potential husband or wife—which requires a whole other criterion—it is important that you do not try to create the illusion that you are more compatible and “perfect” for each other than you actually are.


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If you want your seduction experience to be one of mutual reciprocity. Over a period of time we begin to resent and even get angry at ourselves. But when pressed further to explain to the rest of the participants what they understand by “give-and-take” in relationships. to be accepted. give up our dreams. say you enjoy spending time with me and I’ll laugh at your jokes even when they make fun of takes two to tango The dance of mutual reciprocity. . When I mention “give-and-take” relationships in my workshops. massage my ego and I’ll turn myself inside out. and even who we are. limited experience with the opposite sex. . a good number of men and women say they already do it all the time. it goes something like this: I am so unhappy with my dull and uneventful life and will do just about anything to get you to love me and give me a little space in your “life. by its very nature. Do not use these as an inflexible screening instrument or substitute for your own judgement (good judgement is necessary when © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 15 . Desperation. Use the character highlights that follow as a “guide” to give you important clues as to what you can expect from certain people. When we do this we get into a constant conflict with “who we really are” and what we really want. so that the other person will be more attracted to us. and a lack of self-awareness often make us the victim of our own decisions and choices. poor judgement. and at life itself. low self-esteem. demands the simultaneous offering of each other . interests.” Spell my name right and I’ll give you anything. and I’ll tell you stories about whatever you want to hear. marry me and I’ll kiss ass—just love me for God’s sake! Sometimes we are so desperate to be loved. baggage from the past. . When selecting a person to seduce or be seduced by. passions. and to be in a relationship that we change our own values and beliefs. . at the opposite sex (who we feel lets us down). make sure it is with someone who you can have the pleasure of “playing” with rather than against or playing for. go out on a date with me. it is important that you don’t end up becoming the primary giver and the other person the primary taker .

is particularly good to be around . no matter how good your self-esteem. and interested. smells. or tastes. 2.) is unlikely to have a positive experience . A person’s ability to seduce or be seduced (or capacity for love) cannot be measured by intelligence tests that don’t capture the entirety of a person’s mental power. 1. but if the person is judgemental. And a person need not have read the same books you have or even “graduated from college” for conversation to be interesting and meaningful. . mentally awake. or has some ulterior motive for engaging you in seduction. feels. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 16 . . and intelligence into the world that you find interesting and mentally stimulating? Is there an easy and constructive flow of information back and forth? If you can find someone you can have an intellectual conversation with. Ask yourself: Is this person knowledgeable and capable in his or her world? Can he or she take you there. caught up in their own hurt feelings (remember that hurting people tend to hurt other people). A person who is too concerned or struggling with body image issues (how it looks. It is possible for a man or woman to be fantastically “brainy” and not be someone you can have an “intellectual” conversation with. that is not a person you want to become close to and expose yourself to. interest. interesting. you are not apt to be bored with one takes two to tango using this guide or any other) but to help you discover or confirm what you already suspect and/or know about a person. How well someone does on an IQ test has no direct correlation to how well he or she can carry on a fairly intelligent conversation. and can (will) he or she follow you with curiosity. I realize that it’s kind of “weird” to judge people based on first impressions and on very limited information about them. . etc. you will always find the mental component of the experience to be lively and stimulating. A person who is intellectually inspiring. . It is best to minimize the possibility of regret in the future.

but in the end.” No matter how much you plead for others to look at your inner self. we can tell from the moment a man or woman takes two to tango Most of us are afraid to admit that physical appearance is important to us. with a little bit of your own imagination thrown in. . etc. take time for grooming. There is no right and wrong way to feel real emotions. tell if a person really wants to be there. If he or she is smiling with the face and there is no “light” or twinkle in the eyes. This is tricky because even though we recognize the fallacy of placing too great a value on appearance. In other words. if you do not take care of the outside—exercise to stay fit. Other than in “natural liars”—people who lie so smoothly and cleanly that they’re almost impossible to catch—we can with some accuracy.—they’ll not bother to find out about the inside unless they are really patient. wants to talk to us. completely undermine the experience . but somehow most of us can sniff out insincere emotions immediately. Also keep in mind that “birds of a feather flock together. it becomes a problem when your “ideal” is an unrealistic mix of physical traits taken from glamorous magazine cover models and movie stars. we are human beings and for whatever reason. . you’ll start questioning if they are worthy of you. 3. For a majority of us. which most people are not. While being attracted to particular physical characteristics is not a sin or a bad thing. our primitive minds (and groins) still insist on having a say in who we find attractive and sexually desirable. or dealing with the range of emotions that the seduction experience gener© 2007 Christine Akiteng page 17 . eat healthy. you both must be physically attracted to each other on some level to make things work. chances are he or she is faking the smile to hide how he or she really feels. feeling. A person who does not know how to deal with real emotions will fake them. You can disguise it and pretend that you are physically attracted to someone. Many people who fake emotions have never really learnt how to deal with real ones in the first place and may have a hard time recognizing. and fake emotions by their very nature. Look for positive vibrations that seem to come from within and surround a man or woman—how comfortable they are within their own skin and how they show it on the outside. or perhaps doing it in a calculated way meant to impress and manipulate us. or even get to know us.

his or her verbal and nonverbal language is overly exaggerated. 5. closed off. let alone anything that involves “fun. boring people. and even hurtful in the end. hyped. Chances are you’ll walk away from the experience feeling dissatisfied. . and appears to come on too aggressively or has a pre-determined agenda. one. the seduction experience is likely to be equally exaggerated. He or she is also less likely to enjoy seduction that lingers and prolongs because it means they have to reveal more of takes two to tango ates. have © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 18 . If there’s one thing that identifies uptight. they do not believe they’ll get it. intelligent. they do not know what makes them happy. Watch out for how the person commands and occupies his or her physical space. or the unpredictable tends to try to control everything. If on the other hand. if he or she is sexually explicit in dress. and even angry. They have problems expressing any strong emotion or talking about an activity that makes them happy. 4. even fun . . and of course you’ll be frustrated. The whole experience of seduction becomes one of you playing “psychic” and them watching you with curiosity and doubt. .” tend to have higher levels of anxiety and fear of being judged and/or rejected. or irritable. A person who wants to be someone other than themselves is signalling deep-seated issues that may pose a challenge in reciprocal seduction . the unexpected. If it looks like he or she does not feel “worthy” of occupying a little spot on the face of the earth. Vulnerability lies in us all. This not only takes away pleasure. words and actions. burned out.” These people may be damn good-looking. A person who has little openness to the new. The reason is that. depressed. They may quickly become indifferent. . people who do not know who they are or do not feel “worthy. it’s that they never seem to be doing much. you’ll have a hard time coaxing this person out of his or her shell. fake. and two. This kind of person may have a hard time giving-up his or her illusory sense of self or reflection of reality. but also meaning out of the whole experience. inflexible. however.

etc. socialize. Besides being really uninteresting.)? Try to avoid judging someone simply for being nervous. palms. “Wild and crazy” is all well and good. and takes two to tango great personalities and even be “sweet” hearts. 6. unreserved. too eager to please. impatient. shoulders and legs facing inwards or tightly held together is closed off body language. hands. . we imagine that they might be spiced up somehow by a sociable. and a bit unbearable. What about the sound of his or her voice? Does it project warmth. chest. and you may find yourself feeling overwhelmed and delivering less than was ini- © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 19 . No matter how exciting our lives may be. . or is it emotionally intense and filled with curiosity? Is his or her body closed off or open? Head. This can be a source of considerable friction. wild adventures. Sometimes their off-the-wall enthusiasm makes them overdo and over-perform at everything. and delight or is it strained. We are drawn to these people’s revolutionary streak. unsure of him or herself. these people are also easily offended. they can be impetuous. hesitant.) or is he or she timid (shy. upbeat quality. facing outward is open body language. reckless. philosophize. etc. adventurous. and bored? Also look out for people who pride themselves on their emotional restraint. confidence. but a person with a balanced “up” and “down” can better recognize things worth getting enthusiastic about . tense muscles. While these people may be “fun models. so look for other body language signals. Is his or her face mask-like and inexpressive. some people easily blossom when nerves settle down.” if their “ups” and “downs” are not balanced. and outgoing person who is full of flowing and “bubbly” energy. blocked. They simply don’t know how to “do fun. and lead others into new territories. particularly when their sense of “control” is challenged or when they feel embarrassed or betrayed. you are going to be disappointed.” This is how to spot them: Does he or she look too serious (rigid body. and unusual ability to speculate. but if you’re looking at them from the perspective of wanting to have a good time. restless.

Pay close attention to what people are saying (the words they use).” The two of you never really get the chance to share a momentous. If he or she is stuck in a “glorified” past. present experience. those in denial about the reality of their past experience (if they don’t acknowledge it they don’t have to deal with it). and if he or she is in denial (detached from reality). everything you say or do will remind them of the past. Most people who © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 20 . and those longing for the past because it was so much better than the present. or disappointed by overblown expectations and/or fantasies. do you find yourself holding your breath like someone waiting for something to “drop” on the ground—like really hard? A deeply feeling person with the ability to pace his or her emotional reality and cope with intense emotions knows how much energy he or she can put out without overwhelming and exhausting another person (or him or herself). it’ll give you lots of clues as to where they are in their lives. 7. . Look at the kind of energy the person projects? Is it over the top and melodramatic? Do his or her responses—verbal and non verbal—come too quickly and nervously? Does he or she change the topic frequently? Does he or she tend to self-disclose in what seems an “inappropriate” way (too much too soon)? When around this person. persons who are stuck in the past are either complaining about the past or trying to get something for “tomorrow. well. unless of course you don’t mind playing therapist. If a man or woman is hanging onto past wrongs. . nothing you say or do will be as good as what they experienced in the takes two to tango tially promised. There are three kinds of people who are stuck in the past: those who can’t let go off the “pain and heartache” caused by others. A person who is stuck in the past will have a hard time being in the “here and now” . what makes you think he or she will want to experience the present? The problem here is that when you are trying to be in the present.

When we desire experiences that make our lives meaningful. memories of painful humiliations. anger. we will find it difficult to seduce anyone or to be seduced even by a well-meaning loving person. A person who adamantly does not wish to be seduced or to seduce is already dead to the experience—don’t waste your time . Listen to your “gut feeling”. . relaxed. As a general rule.” 8. fears of inadequacy. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 21 . jealousies. self-doubt. long-simmering resentments. it upsets and undermines their control-hungry predisposition. excitement. confusions. enjoy intimacy. with a self-assured. . This place may be exactly where you need to go. In the initial stages of an encounter we have less information on which to decide mutual suitability and compatibility. him or herself. That’s when listening to your “gut” really comes in handy. confusion. avoid people who display “aggressive” tendencies. distrust. and rewarding we tend to move into new situations. and trusting attitude. Look for a sense of ease. it’s your biggest ally. It may lead you to someone who is not usually “your type” and may take you outside of what you already know or expected. inhibitions. trust. neediness. Use your “internal barometer” to help you remain true to yourself and your values . and objects in his or her environment? People who touch and enjoy touch are better adjusted emotionally. fun. sincerity and confidence? Does he or she touch people. . insecurities. failure. in this case mutual seduction. But when we are distracted by a judgmental attitude. and shame. These people just cannot stand to be seduced. rejection. and are more trusting of takes two to tango are stuck in the past will talk a great deal about it or keep jumping ahead to the future. emotional wounds. . and desire for closeness: Does the person communicate interest and involvement. It can be really difficult to pin them down to the “here and now.

Please look at these only as guidelines and not routines to be followed with strict adherence. . . . Pay a compliment. I am going to list a few suggestions that might make it a little easier to ask someone out and actually manage to have a “fun” date. .” or. Another way of making it personal is letting the person know why you want to go out with him or her. If you are confident that the person is equally interested or if they’ve indicated that to you.” The problem with this is that now you cannot call or email him without appearing “desperate” or as “coming on too strong. make some sort of “emotional” connection by reminding him or her of a conversation you had in the past or of some other context in which you know them. . .” or. Casual settings let him or her see you in a variety of situations and circumstances utilizing a variety of emotions .” If this is someone you’ve met before. a) Make sure the very first contact you have has an “emotional” component to it . . “You seem like a really interesting person . . .it takes two to tango If you feel you’ve chosen carefully and wisely.” If you are one of those women who are shy about asking men out. For example. say.” b) Ask someone to do something casual as opposed to going out on a formal date. playfully tease or express anything you would to a close friend when you meet up.” It is very helpful for you and for them to know why you want to go out with them. . . I do realize that individuals need to make their own decisions. Here is my card. “We seem to have a lot in common . If you are not sure about how to playfully tease a man or woman. . “I really enjoy talking with you. there is a whole chapter in this book titled “Turning Up the Heat. . I would love for you to call or e-mail me sometime. let the person know you feel good about them without asking anything in return . . you may want to try something more daring and adventurous—“I really would like to get to know more of you . however. These suggestions can be used equally by men and women. “I have a strong feeling there is something more between us . most people would be flattered and respond positively. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 22 .

This is because casual dates are more likely to make it easy for both of you to see the “emotional” side of each other than formal settings. when you want to do it. there doesn’t have to be a lot of heavy planning. He or she may say.” This makes you seem less confident and as if you’re just throwing “bait” with no specific “real” interest or plan. You want to get him or her to “feel” you emotionally by doing something fun together instead of just sitting and talking. non-threatening. and what you are going to do. Another example is: “I volunteer at Children’s Hospital on Saturdays. And what the heck is “something sometime”? Keep in mind that most interesting people also have busy lives! © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 23 . but in takes two to tango Before asking the person out. c) Tell the person what you plan to do.” Asking in this way is typically seen as friendly. “Thursday is not good for me. think casual rather than formal. I’d like you to come with me. . Saying “Would you like to play tennis on Thursday? It’d be fun!” not only lets the person know what he or she is saying yes to—both interest and availability—but also how they might feel. With something casual. instead. in this case fun. or if he or she asks you out on a formal date like dinner and a movie. create an “emotional” image in his or her mind .” etc. You are giving the other person lots of room to decline easily and gracefully. If you meet him or her in a business environment. It may also be easier for someone to say yes to a casual date than to a more formal date like going to dinner or a concert. Just make sure he or she can see you using a variety of emotions. and respectful. decide in advance where you want to go. I am sure the children will be thrilled to have you. It’s when you are both having fun and not trying to be “too much in the head” that you both really get to see what you’re like. .” or “Tennis is not my thing. “What are you doing Saturday night?” or “Let’s get together and do something sometime. invite him or her to some other casual activity with you. This more direct approach is likely to be successful than something more indirect like saying. For the first few dates.

. Take into account the tone of the conversation and the sincerity in the excuse they give you. especially these takes two to tango d) Remember. If you are jumping ahead of yourself. Keep in mind that a person’s acceptance of a date may not mean anything beyond the acceptance of that given date. you are only hurting yourself. e) Keep your focus on having an enjoyable time. Forcing a relationship that hasn’t developed yet may prove detrimental . the timing isn’t right because of other commitments or because they are preoccupied or stressed about other things. That said. after a few good dates. So if you presume the only reason you’re being turned down is because you are not “good enough” or because you don’t have excellent attributes and talents. Allow things to happen naturally and at the same time. rejection is just part of life. some singles may begin to get the idea that they are now an item. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 24 . some people just don’t hit it off together and there may not be anything you can do about that except to look for someone whose interests are more like your own. If the person says “no” to your request for a date. . don’t necessarily think it means he or she doesn’t ever want to do something with you. it will seep into your attitude and into the interface between you—and he or she will notice. like acceptance. . tend to go on dates with expectations and assumptions. Many singles. For some. the activity you are proposing might not be something they have interest in. Keep it in perspective . be aware that the other person may never feel the way you feel about him or her. . For some people. but it gets worse.

tired. controlling. we cannot relax and cannot adopt the flexible unafraid attitude that the art of seduction calls for. agitated. anxious. affect the way they interpret information. act. and the behaviours they insist on. the decisions they make. values. You can memorize all the seduction knowledge of the known universe. or withdrawn. and relate differently when we are stressed. In this state. But what is worse than the inability to give or receive is that you are unable to accept the simple fact that you are unable to give as well as receive. presumptions. A state of inner emptiness (disorganized and/or fragmented sense of self) especially challenges our ability to successfully be ourselves in any environment because we look. it is hard to give enough to anyone or receive enough from anyone. but if we are not immediately aware of how our inner lives operate.THE REAL HEART OF THE MATTER Janet O'Neal tells us: To be seductive from your very core is first and foremost to seduce yourself. beliefs. and feelings. defend. depressed. thoughts. or too slow—and you pay a high price for it. too fast. or avoid. sound. A nyone attempting to engage in seduction that unites meaning and pleasure has to begin from a place of mindful awareness—being aware of how their conscious and unconscious intentions. You either come-on too strong. attend seduction seminars. This may sound like the philosophical statement of a sage from ancient times. desires. You think that you know what the other person wants and needs but your “timing” is wrong most of the time. worried. frightened. touch. too hard. read this book cover to cover and even meet © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 25 .

When we place a high value and worth on ourselves we feel strong and confident about life despite our current circumstances and looks. But when you are operating out of inner emptiness. appreciated enough. You seek affirmation and the refutation of your own lack of self- © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 26 . When you are operating from inner fullness. rejected. angry. each wrong conclusion. listened to enough. The value we place on ourselves affects our whole being . . desperate. When we can find this sense of value within ourselves we bring an abundance of love into our lives and the lives of others. abused. confused. each destructive attitude. you have a healthy view of yourself and your self-worth. attractive enough. Most of the time things will backfire leaving you feeling like a failure. anxious. the consciousness of entitlement and the consciousness of inadequacy and incompleteness. suspicious. violated. . You also have a clear sense of your identity as an individual and as members of a community. frustrated.the real heart of the matter someone who has underlined all the “right” sections in the book. each negative emotion undermines whatever meaning and pleasure you are trying to create for the person you are seducing or opening yourself up to be seduced by. hurt. Your self-worth does not come from just personal achievements but from knowing that your presence in the world is a gift and contribution to the well-being of everything in it. You are on a constant search for something or someone to make you feel good enough. valued enough. Each false concept. lousy. You do not run away from the challenges of life. but you’ll find yourself taking one step forward and then a step back. You believe in yourself as worthy of others’ attention and affection and have realistic expectations of yourself and of others. insulted. pressured. vulnerable. scared. struggling. you suffer from double consciousness. resentful and generally pissed off. Your core values guide your actions and you thrive both independently and interdependently. and when you make mistakes you take comfort in knowing you are just human. and so forth— because you do not believe you are worthy of anybody’s attention and affection. each erroneous opinion.

you’re pushing yourself. You happily let others choose their own obligations in life without manipulating them. deeper inner emptiness comes pouring out. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 27 . you are willing to help by supporting. a greater faith in themselves and their potentials. your feelings. until your outer façade is shaken or shattered. you are living with a naive sense of invincibility and flattery of your “power” over others or are submitting blindly to others’ manipulative tactics. When we recognize ourselves as whole and complete beings.the real heart of the matter worth through superficial transformations of your outer appearance or the trolling for some small expression of praise or respect from your superiors and peers. You also stir within them. arouses generous and noble feelings in others. The value we place on ourselves reflects the value we place on others . and loyalty. You are easily frustrated or discouraged and want easy solutions because you doubt yourself and are afraid to put yourself out there. You give of who you are without pushing yourself onto others. openness. not only do we accept others as whole and complete beings in and of themselves. kind. we also are able to figure out how to get more of what we want from others in ways that help them get what they want for themselves. You have the persistence and tenacity to stay with things to the end. but when asked. You may appear to be both happy and balanced. while still knowing when to give up on something if your energy is better used elsewhere. . When you are operating from inner fullness when you are patient. then a profound. compassionate. cooperating. . you make others want to offer their best to you and to the relationship. You do not impose on others what you think you should want or get. and if you are not pushing yourself onto others. Without trying. and your needs onto others. If you are not hiding or in denial. and giving advice. to operate their own lives without hindrance or interference. Your innate sense of fairness. and responsive to the needs of others but also know how much energy you can put into others without draining your own energy and hurting yourself.

you have doubts as to how you fit in with others and feel uncertain in a world where genuine relationships are hard to discern and secure commitments are unlikely to be realized. blaming others for your problems may be the most easily recognizable characteristic of someone who is operating from inner emptiness. or if he or she does not respond the way you want them to. In fact. and may react with cool detachment. You understand that every man or woman is different and make an effort to get to know him or her as a unique and mysterious individual. It is a vicious circle of rejection. If the other person turns away. and you feel rejected. Around you. which unfortunately makes you push yourself. you tend to be more realistic in your approach to relationships and will see people and situations as they are. The attitude you have towards the opposite sex plays a very important role in your behaviour and expectations . sarcasm. or displaying a victim mindset.the real heart of the matter But when you are operating from inner vacuity on the other hand. If we are (subconsciously) convinced we are undesirable we become undesirable. . bitter. you may find yourself “investing” affection and demanding that it “pay off. this behaviour makes others feel bad or uneasy because you are constantly putting them down.” This may lead you to being argumentative and quick to point out others’ weaknesses or what you see as “faults. pressured. As a result of your anxious state. and tense.” Unfortunately. The most desirable men and women are the ones who know they are desirable. If we are convinced that relationships with the opposite sex are not worthwhile. we unknowingly convince the opposite sex that a relationship with us is not worthwhile. others feel squeezed. and your needs onto them even more. hateful. When you are operating out of inner fullness. You have no romantic illusion of an “ideal” partner or perfect marriage but understand and accept that a relationship will work because two peo- © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 28 . We’re trapped in the vicious cycle we create. your ego is jolted. You also have an extreme need to “possess” others and things. . and are abusive and resentful. You don’t take responsibility for your actions but blame others for your problems. a feeling of uneasiness grips you. your feelings.

But when you are operating out of inner emptiness. You know when to take appropriate risks. insensitive. ignoring how things really are.the real heart of the matter ple want it to work and can make it work. This is especially true when you are full of thoughts about the past. Regardless of the approach you use to get into a relationship with the opposite sex. You are likely to get easily upset. You may also have a tendency to try to arouse jealousy and attempt to gain a deeper affection by showing a prospective date. are decisive when necessary. panic lies not far beneath your every word. or clinging to some unreasonable expectations of how everything should be. You tend to fall in love with the potential of a person and have difficulty seeing them realistically. manipulative. and playful and passionate another time. and angry. You accurately weigh probabilities so that you know the most likely outcome to expect in situations you come across. or defensive. lover. you approach relationships with the opposite sex on the basis of the pure assertion of will because you perceive them as stupid. and can focus or concentrate in order to get something done without distorting reality and without fooling yourself. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 29 . characterless. Even when you find yourself in a relationship you will take action only after you have overanalyzed and completely distorted the information presented to you in order to suit your fantasy rather than the reality. sadistic. or you approach relationships from a place of total consent-giving and passivity. action. tender and affectionate another time. or spouse how much others admire you. Your adaptability stirs intense emotions and desires in the opposite sex. or you are constantly looking for Prince or Princess Charming and imagine how wonderful that person will be. presenting some kind of idealized version of yourself that you think will meet the other person’s notion of “ideal” man or woman. discouraged. You can be intellectually stimulating one time. and boundary of personal identity. Your capacity to accurately read a man or woman’s intentions and body language is impaired and you are more likely to make “bad” rather than “good” impressions on the person you are trying to seduce.

You take responsibility for how you let your emotions hold you back or push you forward. needs. and for the little musings and surprises that life leaves along your way. We need our emotions. you are either emotionally overwhelmed or emotionally shut down. But when you are operating from inner emptiness. respecting and accepting them and not denying or resisting. When you are operating out of emptiness. But our emotions can also easily and literally rob us of the opportunity to live a happy life. When you are operating from inner fullness. You value your emotions and understand that even the most painful emotions are often a necessary part of learning some of the more important lessons in life. When you are emotionally shut down. You are more complimentary and more thankful for the simple things that others say or do for you. They attract relationships that are characterized by ma- © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 30 . too soon. you are overwhelmed emotionally—you don’t like feeling uncomfortable or being in emotional pain and so are constantly complaining and blaming other people for the things they do or did to you. You have made a conscious choice to use your feelings as a guide to dealing with situations and people.the real heart of the matter The way you handle your emotions is reflected in your ability to create pleasurable and worthwhile experiences for others . . You show consideration for others’ feelings. You have the ability to identify and let in those who are “safe” or emotionally healthy. and desires but not at the expense of your own. you’ve shut down your ability to be vulnerable and open to emotional intimacy. when you do really open up to someone. Consequently. and keep out those who are not. They provide us with the vital force to think creatively and act decisively. . You scare others away because you come across as having too many “emotional problems.” You also find it easier to play the “poor me. it’s often too much. People who operate from inner emptiness go through a series of relationships that are emotionally shallow or become stuck in one that is abusive and unfulfilling. pity me” and have somehow convinced yourself you really are a great person but no one seems to notice it or understand you. you feel your emotions in the right way.

exiled in their intellects. where one dominates with a sense of “powerlessness” and the other with a sense of “power” or the appearance of strength. radiant personality. restrict your movement. in your surroundings. the body is a place of struggle. and contradiction. If you are “playing it safe. ambiguity. happiness. and if you are feeling nothing and are empty inside. Your body actually slows you down and makes you more insecure in yourself. If you are nervous and anxious. dominated by emotions and imprisoned by their defenses and insecurities that they are passing through life without ever knowing the miracle of fully inhabiting a vitally alive. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 31 . and all over your body. In some ways it is like having an injury. and sensitive body. What’s inside of you is also outside of you—in your eyes. When you are operating out of inner fullness you feel attracted to and proud of your own body and the way it functions. . and desires . or mirror-honed poses but from a dignified posture. clothes. sensuous. and become rigid and inflexible. . . You have no illusions or longings for a “perfect body” and realize your sex appeal doesn’t come from your looks. emotions. your body will show it.” your body will show that too. Your comfort in and with your body affects your ability to use the body as an intelligent communicator of ideas. on your face. and a “dash of physical imperfection. a sense of gratitude.” You’re skilled in the appropriate display of emotions and get more attention and social influence because you are able to draw attention to your positive attributes such as your skills and abilities—by using a diverse range of nonverbal cues and tactics. even that your body will show.the real heart of the matter nipulation and dominance. and in the world. Some people are so desensitized in their bodies. good health. But when you are operating out of inner emptiness. You walk hunched to one side. . The level of comfort you have with your sexual self determines the quality of your sex life .

your sex drive is stronger and that greater sex drive increases your capacity to really enjoy sex (when the circumstance are right). which in turn intuitively makes you more giving sexually. Your undeniable ability to keep going on and on and on just like the Energizer bunny comes from “feeling” and “releasing” the organic flow of the primal body and spirit based on the spontaneous moment. when in actuality. On the other hand. routines. again. and life. You take your time and relish every moment of it. considerate. sensuousness. our thoughts. You are appreciative and show much consideration to the other person’s feelings. stay strong and young. And because you feel sexually desirable.” But when you are operating from an inner void. mental gridlike series of steps. you may opt to consciously manufacture the appearance of being “super-sexy” and having an “insatiable sexual appetite” in order to maintain a precarious social front. you instinctively withhold your true self from your sexual partner because.” not as someone they think of in a sexual way. which makes you come across to the opposite sex as non-sexual. When you are operating from inner fullness you are in touch with your masculine and feminine duality. meaning. feel more energized. you are nearly paralyzed by inner uncertainty. emotions. or “empowering” sex techniques from orgasmic “sexperts. desires. You have a positive attitude towards sexuality which in turn increases your sexual confidence. and actions are infused with purpose. making you more sexually desirable to the opposite sex. You may have the best communication skills. your anxious lack of confidence in the validity of your own sexual desires may either cause you to distance yourself from your sexual self by denying it. be caring. you fear they will not like you © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 32 . passion. It also enables you to draw out the best in your sexual partner. or techniques used by those who depend on the latest sociological research. and desires. intentions. dreams.the real heart of the matter When we are confident about who we are as sexual beings. When it comes to the bedroom. without artificial or rigid. make love for longer periods of time. hopes. vitality. and romantic but to the opposite sex you will only come across as “nice” or as a “good friend. needs. Your desire to share your inner fullness of being actually enhances your ability to give pleasure to another person.

etc). and emotional wounds (anger. When you try to loosen up. So how do hopeful seducers transition from inner emptiness to inner fullness . and life out of your sexual partner(s) and often end up hurting or taking advantage of them. and judgments come from? What are my self-destructive ways of thinking and relating? Can I accurately identify my emotions when they happen? Can I experience very pleasant and very unpleasant emotions without being possessed or obsessed by them? Do I get swept away thinking about the object of my desire (like thinking about the wedding. you often do so rebelliously. etc. the house. you can more freely allow for a connection to emerge naturally. Two: Once you have identified your self-destructive patterns. love. You do not know how to skilfully. pride. and artfully surrender to your sexual urges and needs. And instead of trying to influence and persuade them or reacting in a hostile manner. ? One: Ask yourself these questions—Where do my attitudes. but you will become more aware of things about others that you would not have otherwise realized.the real heart of the matter since you do not like yourself. Not only will you become more aware of your own way of relating.). You drain all the passion. judgmental attitude. recklessly and dangerously. assumptions. or to handle the phenomenon of total sensory stimulation. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 33 . and children even before you’ve spoken to the person!)? When taken over by painful emotions do I have the capacity to bounce back quickly? Do I have the capacity to respond from a place that is connected to something beyond emotional reactivity? Can I use my emotions to always come up with a positive outcome? By asking these probing questions. and very often you also wind up getting hurt and being taken advantage of. blindly. deliberately. fear. but only temporarily. shame. stress. . guilt. Commit yourself to work through and deal with your ego entanglements (frustration. you will eventually be able to focus all your efforts in a personally significant way. start changing them. You may be obsessing about sex and craving it because it fills the inner emptiness.

and hang-ups affect your behaviour. assumptions. Instead of trying to defend your thoughts. and behaviours. Get out and meet lots of people. hear and be heard in a deeper. and how your behaviour affects your relationships and your sense of worth. The more you know about others. feelings. This is the only way to grow.the real heart of the matter Three: Open yourself up to the possibility that you can and will change. the more you learn about yourself. you will be delighting to the opposite sex. Four: Put yourself in situations where you are forced to grow. feelings. more intimate way. And when you're done you'll leave him or her wondering how it could have ever been otherwise. and the more you know about yourself. Once you start operating from inner fullness. Your comfort level with yourself will allow you to feel okay to share deeper levels of yourself with others and dive in with abandon and sweet surrender. and effectively. beliefs. step back and really look at how certain preconceptions. easily. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 34 . the better chance you have of meeting someone with whom you have lots in common. and consequently prevent you from opening yourself up to see and be seen. attitudes. effortlessly. The only way you can learn about human relations is by having them.

rhythm. it includes the ability to experience life emotionally. we can actually begin to know ourselves and each particular person we are dating. Very often the use of the word “sensuous” is confused with “sensual. inner awareness. deformed. scantily dressed airbrushed models. skin. and sensible in the most basic of ways. it is not limited to those areas. community. “sensuousness” should be more appropriately understood as a warm receptiveness to the gifts that our eyes. and intensely. intuition. ears. the best things cannot be told. T © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 35 . Instead. mutilated. overdramatized. reason.” even though the two are not the same in meaning. have a relationship with. can bestow on us.SENSUOUSNESS IS HALF SEDUCTION DONE When we are sensate. hey say. sensitive to the situation. in a completely different way. and over commercialized that it has come to mean anything—from places of certified relaxation. or are seducing. While it’s true that sensuousness plays an integral part in sexuality and sex itself. sensuousness is also referred to as “living by spirit”. noses. passionately. and the second best are often misunderstood. In indigenous African cultures. and the willingness to think deeply about the larger picture in the grand scheme of life. to primetime television “put-on-sex” commercials—anything other than how we experience great intimacy with and reflect the natural sensuous world itself. spontaneity. mouths. and a whole multitude of other senses. wrongly annotated. Sensuousness is one of those things that has been misunderstood.

constantly complaining about and even resentful of the world as a hostile place. Modern life has given us the best of everything that money and technology can offer. It is the power of what is real and flowing in our bodies—a peculiar mingling of sense and soul in a sort of mystical beauty that translates into depth and richness of life. Being sensuous means taking voluptuous pleasure in our senses. fragmented. is not just because people are feeling empty. addicted to the neurotic pattern of stress and the convulsive search for pleasure and stimulation. unfulfilled. disillusioned. . We are walking through life in a daze. and uncertain about who they are and who the other person is. being replenished by their strength. Most of us go through life simply noticing and superficially participating in whatever comes up without getting wholeheartedly and deeply involved with anything or anyone. and being every bit immersed in the depth of our beingness. dates have become more meaningless and boring. not just from life. revelling in their energy. But when we are deeply in touch with the natural world we are in a sense in touch with ourselves because we are part of the natural world. but from our relationships. it is also because they lack the adventurous urge to live more vividly and fully. . The problem why more men and women are rejected. Lack of focused sensuousness shows up in our lives as a lack of oomph—no soul—just lethargic dullness . We feel like there is something substantial missing and want more. waiting for death to come and free us to go to some place more bearable than this world we live in. more dead than alive. Simply put—we live as little as possible. yet we still feel—well. and relationships are ever shorter. just surviving somehow.sensuousness is half seduction done Sensuousness is what reawakens and arouses our minds and bodies and makes us feel alive. We make the world with our senses as much as it makes us through them. a place that we must modify or tame or manipulate to suit our purposes. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 36 . These moments give us the standard by which everything else is measured. here and present. breathing somehow.

the senses give us jumbled information—an insensate eye only sees ugliness or gruesome sights. that recognized as important sources of information and necessary ingredients for a “fulfilled life” by ancient teachings. . The senses are a necessary condition for most if not all of life experience . mechanical. The degrading of the relevance of our human senses has kept our senses underdeveloped and has weakened our ability to appreciate or validate sensate information when it appears. and meaning that we have lost in ourselves. African and Eastern traditions. the coarse palate knows only bland tastes. passion. When left undeveloped.sensuousness is half seduction done and the more we understand ourselves. and an untrained body moves in random and clumsy ways. Some of the innate human senses such as intuition. Sensuous men and women have a hypnotic quality or aura that surrounds them all day long . . oneness (sense of community). there is still some involvement of the senses. turning daily existence into an alienated. we still have the tendency towards external “sensuous” utopias that claim to offer escapes from solipsistic emptiness by providing the illusion of intensity of feeling and “inner peace. meaningless routine. rhythm. spontaneity. are not even recognized as human senses in many Western cultures. but it is filtered and sublimated through strict mental control. and so forth. ecstasy. . body. inner harmony (balance). Yes. and spirit working together. Even when we now seem to be more aware that we can only experience life in its fullness with the mind. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 37 . Our society and education deliberately demean information received through our senses and body calling it flaky or fuzzy thinking. subjective rather than scientific or objective.” but no exit from the lost sense of natural vibrancy. . the unmusical ear mainly hears noises and uncoordinated sounds. the more we understand the world.

mysteriousness. We can isolate each of the senses. And because they operate on real time (right now. For example. enticing. right here. mind. are imprinted in the memory for ever. charm. Each and every one of our senses brings its own distinct and untranslatable quality. nose. appreciation of. beauty. you could get into a conversation about the weather that gradually takes on a humorous mood and before you know it things are going to the next level. body. and intimate manner available to humankind. They are interesting and fascinating to other people because they inspire others to savour the love of life as a thing of beauty. and flavour into our daily interactions.sensuousness is half seduction done You’ll know when you meet a sensuous person (or when one has begun seducing you) the instant you get a deep look into their eyes and see the “let’s-live-life” invitation behind them. This particular brand of hypnotic quality synonymous with sensuous men and women comes from quality. and sensitivity. turn them up or down depending on what information we want to send or want to collect. And these special moments. Here is where the sensory dynamic really gets interesting and exciting. . then blend them together in various combinations to evoke unique primal emotions. tongue. now-as-it-ishappening). expose our humanness and sensual attractiveness. and ability to relish the tranquility and timelessness quality that characterizes the natural sensuous world we all live in. all senses converge—eyes. And it’s this very thought-felt kinship with the rest of the sensuous world that distinguishes them from those of us who do not share the same affinity. In true seduction. and create enchanting experiences in the most playful. sensuous people rarely if ever follow a specific game plan or tactical strategy. ears. emotions. relaxing. and spirit . Their uniqueness and exclusivity comes from their attentiveness to. intensity. It is this affinity with the sensuous world that makes the earth (and life) feel like one great big playing field for sensuous people. unpredictability. . © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 38 . when they occur.

emotional. open. It is in this awareness of the unfolding moment of right now. are highly alert. sexually. right here. a piece of art. . and spiritual states. a dress caressing the body. if we sacrifice everything else we could be doing or thinking to become one with whatever it is that is before us. unimpaired by guilt. socially. the constantly taking care of. emotionally.sensuousness is half seduction done Within this perspective we could describe the art of seduction as a timed flow of sensations characterized by different unfolding phases. the doing. Some people become so deeply focused that they experience an almost euphoric state of joy and pleasure in the process. whether it is another human being. significant. Be-ing present. the soil in your garden. and free from distractions and feelings of obligation enables us to experience every moment as new. super-sensory awareness generates a pleasure that needs no object beyond itself. are savoured for themselves. and selfrecriminations. Our sense of the here and now becomes one reality and that reality continuously feeds the seduction experience at a very subtle level. the melody of a song. . regrets. physically. now-as-it-is-happening. and alert mentally. how we act or. the need to fix things up. Rather than being caught in some momentary mind-state. behave. In fact. The physical energies unleashed by the senses are the very heart of the seduction discourse which. how we hold the moment and respond to it. apart from their usefulness. You don’t have to work diligently to achieve sensuousness . in our ability to be in touch with the part of ourselves that is free from all the racing. and satisfy cravings that an inner freedom and relaxation arises. even when we don’t logically understand it. Using our senses by paying attention to the wonderment of each sense and being appreciative of each sense in its own right. a kiss. and necessary. Anything can become alive and sensate if we chose to give it our full attention. They lose track of time (gaining a feeling of timelessness). and feel that they are functioning at their most powerful mental. if you like. and spiritually in an unrushed manner. a bite of food. we can actually begin to know and experience what is here and now. not only changes the © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 39 .

spend time in the feel-good-ambiance of spas and retreats. it may not be possible to “re-create” the primal in the manner the ancients knew it or even “reenact” the exact rituals experienced by indigenous cultures. the brooding of a cloud. etc. there are two major problems with this nostalgic idealism. or photographed. or © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 40 . But where do we start? What would we do? The search for harmony with the rest of the sensuous world coincides with a renewed interest in the spirituality of indigenous peoples and the nostalgia for the “return to the age of primal ecstasy. warning.” When an indigenous person touches a rock. the call of a bird. but an active and responsive participant and partner in our experiences. there can be no “me” apart from “them. So even when we have all these mind-body-spirit meditations. Nature is not just a passive entity to be admired. a tree. the smell of a flower. Everything (and everyone) that is part of nature is animate (has a life and spirit). urging. The voice of nature can come from anywhere and anything—the gush of the wind.” Although a highly optimistic vision in itself. or in “do your own thing” and “be in the moment” programs and workshops. tree. The other problem with this longing for the “return to the age of primal ecstasy” is that for post modern urban sophisticates whose environment has had much of the natural world stripped from it. the touch of a twig or branch. fire.sensuousness is half seduction done way we experience ourselves but the way we experience the world around us and the value we place on life and on others. The first problem is that the watered-down adaptations and misguided approaches of viewing everything in ancient teachings as a source of some kind of spiritual self-perfection or erotic callisthenics for better orgasms for the “chosen few” further detaches ancient teachings and practices from the common everyday ways of loving and living on the land. nature speaks in a wordless language. In the indigenous world. fire. the rumbling of the earth. and therefore. or water for example. the sway of a tree. the sound of water flowing. we still feel that sense of boredom and enervation. asking. Through nature the universe feelingly speaks. or giving direction. marvelled at. he or she does not look at it as merely touching a passive object because the rock. reassuring.

judge. Spend time just sitting. thereby enriching their source of sensuousness. watching. Spend private time by yourself in a park watching and listening to the afternoon as it moves towards evening and the day turns to night. relax and tune into the world with all your senses. This is a very simple exercise that costs nothing and does not require a lot of planning or wilderness adventure experience. As the sky darkens. but instead be- © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 41 . or validate what you are doing. and listening in a roaming fashion. as well as what may lie further on. While our modern society may be far too industrialized for us to demand a return to a millennial past. There’s something ancient and wise inside all of us that knows better . we are not yet too alienated from our natural sensuousness to undertake a quest for an authentic communion with the self and the sensuous world. Allow boredom and anxiety to come and go. They are encouraged to use all of their senses yet remain focused and aware of what is inside. Indigenous cultures also have rituals for initiating young children and adults to deepen their understanding and dependence on their natural senses. letting your attention flow from point to point but never digressing into the past or future. . Even if all alone. They are taught to always look out for the little musings and surprises life leaves in the most unlikely corners and turns. . all around. It is very interesting to see what happens. one which will initiate your journey towards the kind of sensuous immersion you only intellectualize but never quite experience. they are virtually pushed to experiences meant to help them learn heightened awareness using all of the senses. Try not to analyze. one is always engaged in a “dialogic rhetoric” with nature and other imperceptible forces. It can be used by just about anyone without any conflict with your faith or beliefs. underfoot. over the head. Concentrate on each of the senses one at a time without any mental distraction or interference.sensuousness is half seduction done water is also touching him or her back. As young people prepare to become adults.

If you deliberately practice this kind of deep level of awareness through the senses. When you are ready they’ll stop on their own. don’t try and make them go away by blaming. You will then be able to strategically and intentionally direct your healthy passions into achieving a desired experience and even inspire sensuous possibilities in other areas of your life. Just acknowledge that you are angry and that it’s “okay” knowing that life isn’t always fair. sacred. sadness. If feelings of fear. and pain intrude. or brush of wind on your skin—just let yourself be. temperature. you will accumulate a vast body of knowledge which can open your body up to a greater understanding of the body’s wisdom as ancient. or psychoanalyzing why you are angry. just laugh—softly and quietly. If you do this over time. sounds. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 42 . If tears come. whatever comes. and sometimes you don’t need to know why. If laughter comes don’t worry about how you look laughing. If feelings of anger surface. scents. hard and loud. hurt. embrace them and let go. playful. excusing. you’ll see how it will heighten your sensitivity to your senses.sensuousness is half seduction done come the sights. do not try to suppress or stop them. and that sometimes bad things happen to good people. and who or what you are angry at. accept them. let them roll. we don’t always get what we want. and profound.

physical attractiveness alone cannot create lasting sexual attraction. Whatever they recognize as visually stimulating. esearch has shown time and again that people who rate themselves as physically attractive or perceive themselves to be considered physically attractive by others are more likely to cooperate with others they find attractive and to have encounters where exchange relationships are possible. admiring and lingering on its details. Men who consider themselves good-looking more often make the first move than other men who consider themselves average or lacking in the looks department. On the other hand. Physically attractive women—or at least the ones who think of themselves as physically attractive—expect to be approached and are more likely to cooperate with men they find equally physically attractive than with the men they do not find “good-looking. However. that’s what they focus on. women who consider themselves as more “attractive” less often make the first move than other women. Physical appearance is most influential at the time of first contact because the way we look will determine “dwell time” (how long the eyes stay and what they see).THE DANCE OF EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION You are attractive to another person to the degree that the person perceives you as potentially contributing to their happiness. The emotional experience is the defining factor in dating and relationship success.” When a man or woman’s eyes lock on to someone for the first time. they lock on to their physical appearance. It may begin it and can confirm it again and again but it’s our ability to transfer our “good feelings” to others and inspire them to action that often plays a significant role in a long-term relationship. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 43 R .

hair. There are many of us who have no idea what emotional attraction means. who speaks with passion. and looks happy. versatility. let alone how it works. more significant inner process.the dance of emotional attraction “Well. nurturance. interest in new ideas and new experiences. or some reward related to personal expansion. Most of the time. Given a choice between several individuals with similar dress. regularity. Men and women are more attracted to others who look like they are enjoying themselves because they are looking for new and uplifting experiences with a vibrant soul that is full of support and encouragement. and with whom they can © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 44 . and accessories. always has a twinkle in the eye. . arousal. They want to see a common energy or “mood of life” that unites them with someone special and to believe with great certainty that involvement with him or her will bring about enjoyment. we’re too preoccupied with the superficial “feelings’ of physical attraction that we fail to recognize the more elementary. excitement. We naturally imagine that a person who exudes an animated general state of well-being feels more deeply and experiences more profoundly and therefore must be more delightful to be with. People skilled in the appropriate display of emotions make a more favourable and lasting impression . the man or woman with the “less than perfect” body or hair. You are right. will be found more sexually appealing than someone who looks stressed. Human preference for emotional expressiveness is something that has been pre-programmed into our psyche via thousands of years of primate heritage. intimacy. stiff. Our pre-programming has led us to be uniquely sensitive to intensity. and full of himself or herself. that’s obvious. . and rhythm of body motions. smoothness. but how many times have you heard the words “I had a good feeling he or she could be the one!” and it turns out those “good feelings” were wrong. And they want someone who has a similarly strong drive toward natural liveliness.” you might think. is vibrant and quick to smile. everyone knows that you need feelings to be in a relationship. grooming. and whether we gain or lose energy from being around a particular person.

or cynical. They include those who are pessimistic. and desires—the list goes on. sometimes situations develop that require us to “lend” energy to another person to help them back up to be self-sustaining. My personal “secret” for maintaining high energy and vitality in life is to avoid people who are always looking for someone or something to “give them energy” or make them “feel good” about themselves. but for whatever reason.the dance of emotional attraction intelligently share a life that is more interesting than it would be if they were single and alone. even in a short period of time. Energy drainers are the exact opposite. I know that these people are not purposely draining my energy but are stuck somewhere and need a little “energy” boost. Energy “drainers” come in different shades and varieties. They leave us emotionally and physically exhausted after being around them. selfish. or always worrying over what they said or how they said it. hopes. . dreams. but I am careful not to allow myself to burn out and crash! If the person shows no sign that he or she is trying to get his or her energy level back up but instead is relying on “mine” to keep him or her going I cut loose. It is not possible to scientifically measure how much energy we gain or lose from being around a particular person. It took me © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 45 . those who only see “the negative” or “conspiracy” in everything and everyone. those who are afraid of taking risks and see only obstacles. those who lack purpose in life. those who always try to discourage rather than encourage. I experience a lot of this in my practice. those who are always whining and complaining. We gain energy from those people who bring out the best in us and with whom we feel more energized just by being around them. . Of course. Emotionally attractive people are not born that way. They are like a gigantic breathing and walking sponge sucking the very life out of us. those who are always telling you what to do with your life and yet they themselves are not any happier. some people are easy to be around and some aren’t. those who live lives that are incongruent with their innermost values. It takes a bit of work and commitment to become emotionally attractive . those who engage in gossip or pass around unfounded facts about others.

© 2007 Christine Akiteng page 46 . and all that other explaining claptrap. grief. you can make the best bet on the “law of reciprocity” . to recall the warmth and security they experienced. the more they’ll like us. your emotional attractiveness is judged by your ability to hold a man or woman’s imagination long enough for him or her to experience (get a taste of) your enthusiasm. passion. “I am really not a feely-touchy person and I have trouble complimenting people. lover. or pain. If a person senses an emotion being sent to him. and energy. This is more likely to be with good feelings about the future. When it comes to emotional attractiveness. relative. a very human thing to do is return it. Rather than explaining.” Happy. In the stages of initial contact. . on their own. the more positive and less negative the emotional experience. it is much better to allow the person to feel for him or herself and later on. and moving emotional experiences stand out positively in the other person’s mind. I’ve had clients who come to me wanting to know why they are always attracting people who are not “warm and intimate” and then go ahead and say. deep. or spouse. The important function of the art of seduction is to transfer your “good feelings” to the other by touching their emotions and senses . A positive experience here includes sharing moments of fear. In general. .the dance of emotional attraction a long while to learn how to cut energy drainers loose but now I also teach my clients how to get rid of energy drainers in their lives so that they do not have to depend on my energy because theirs is being sucked out by a friend. . . A positive emotional experience also goes far beyond “sharing” how each feels. painful. shallow. sadness. that they are better than the next loser. and dull emotional experiences stand out negatively in the other person’s mind. The mistake most single people make is to waste time explaining to a man or woman that they are right for him or her.

said. or exposed. Most people are unable to accurately read another person’s body language. An emotional snapshot is an internalized emotional picture of how great a person will feel. how deeply and profoundly a man or woman will feel when they’re with you. and they do not necessarily have to suggest sex unless of course that is what you are after. does nothing to the imagination except to trigger the question “why?” The other person should not have to guess about anything. the obvious question must be: How the heck do you work with something as high speed and fickle as the imagination? The imagination is a responsive device that does not act on its own accord but rather reacts to what is presented to it. where some extra enticement is involved. While the judgment of how one dresses and presents general physical appearance inevitably includes subjective opinion and contextual issues. We can’t ignore the fact that something that is obviously packaged to appear visually erotic arouses sexual feelings associated with that object or person. in this case. scared to act differently or be seen as unfashionable. Take nothing for granted. let alone their minds. some women are desperate to sexually appeal to men.” There is some sense in this in as far as titillating and perhaps. a suggestive or provocative gesture that the other person can’t help but see and notice. Your job is to create an “emotional snapshot” that allows the other person to put him or herself at the center of the picture . and the rest follow like sheep. shown.the dance of emotional attraction So. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 47 . If you can show that you can provide a deeply satisfying experience of affection and connectedness you will cause their own imagination to do the seduction on your behalf. If they can’t grab onto the emotional image (what is in it for them. they will not be emotionally moved. . Such snapshots do not require an explicit visual presentation or complete sentences or explanations. but this is not usually the best thing to do especially when the little that is revealed. Whatever is shown or exposed should be clear and suggestive enough to trigger the right emotions and evoke the right response—a knowing look. an inviting comment. . You’ve probably heard that it’s always best to “leave something to the imagination. emotionally).

the other person will still imagine and create an “emotional snapshot”—like one of sizzling roast ribs on an oven rack—something else that takes him or her further away from the possibility of connecting with and being tuned to you. Even the men and women in the sex trade industry know it. the more likely it is to change the other person’s emotional state and so increase the level of attraction they feel towards you. and the stronger the emotion. . of course. should a man or woman do to effectively stimulate and hold the imagination so that it triggers appropriate emotions in a man or woman? For seduction to be meaningful and pleasurable. Everything we experience causes us to experience an emotion to some degree. excitement. actions. If your words. Effectively stimulating and holding the imagination is an art that requires skill and practice to pull it off. actions. then the other person will associate the intense emotion with you. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 48 . or some reward related to personal expansion that the other person believes with great certainty he or she will get from engaging you. what is exposed or revealed to the other person should lead to an expectation of enjoyment. arousal. specifically. It’s just a fact of life. Your words. . If you do not want to be seen merely as a “sex object.the dance of emotional attraction Commercial advertisers know it. nurturance. The next question. Engage the emotions and the intellect in extraordinary and equal measures .” then make sure there is more “accent” in the way you dress that sends a strong message about you and how you want to be perceived and treated. The more emotionally involving the experience. If your efforts fail to accomplish this. and behaviours therefore have to add something more to the experience for it to evoke intense emotions. the stronger the attraction. and behaviours can actually elicit complex combinations of emotions and thoughts and the other person can experience the emotions in “real time” or undergo an emotional change associated with an emotion. is: What.

and help both of you revive or relive the pleasantness and wonder of the experience whenever you want to. To make the most of it. There’s nothing that is a bigger turnoff for both men and women than being seen as every other single guy or woman out there. and spouses. they in return will feel you are also special. have a different nature and meaning to sensuous people. challenging them to become more of themselves and do more than they’d dared to do before. and passions of their dates. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 49 . One of the most important things you can do to make someone feel attracted to you is to make them feel special. engage as many of the person’s senses as you can. You are not going to achieve this by using “first come first serve. Intensify the emotions once they’ve been created . The other person must somehow feel that he or she has “arrived. sensuous seducers live up to their promise. Uniqueness and exclusivity is something that we all secretly long for. but instead creates an entire lifestyle. Emotions that capture a mood or feeling that is subtly creative. Look at it this way—you’re the owner of a luxurious brand who wants to confer an image of superior quality to a buyer. they have the extraordinary ability to tap into the deepest and sometimes most forbidden desires. When you make someone feel special.” “open house. . fantasies. You must create a sense of “exclusivity” in some way. Our hearts and souls are finely tuned to seek out a man or woman who treats us as if we are the centre of their universe. and challenging help keep that experience alive in memory.the dance of emotional attraction Strong emotions also create strong memories. interesting. . including sexual relations.” or “one size fits all” methods.” A sensuous seducer takes “exclusivity” one step further. Because human relations. the person will become confused and immediately begin to “drift” or disconnect altogether. If one sense is prompting the person to “feel” one emotion while another sense is prompting another emotion altogether. This is not about seeking her or his approval but rather a contractual exclusivity played consciously and knowingly by both partners. lovers. He or she doesn’t stop at the “by invitation only” phase. Like “members only” offerings.

and make it into something familiar. sensitivity to and awareness of his or her needs. fun. lots of uncomfortable silences in-between. and analyze the other person’s every word or action. without placing limits or restrictions on it. . total attention to what he or she is saying. Everything else you will do or say will come from this connection you make by focusing and paying attention on him or her. Creating exclusiveness requires a wise and intelligent awareness about what you are doing—a knowing look or adoring sparkle in your eyes.” Almost every emotionally healthy man or woman is wired to seek experiences that involve messing about—trying different approaches and new things that create engaging. When this connection is lost. flexible. something that might be a little uncomfortable for people who don’t like to make © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 50 . .the dance of emotional attraction Let the other person feel you went to some effort just to be with him or her . in and of itself. and meaningful interactions. Instead. Let him or her feel you’re “worth” the time . Step into the situation with a calm relaxed playful liveliness and exuberance and in every moment be ready to take the unknown and the difficult. . You also need to be open and yet focused. the power of seduction is lost—the interaction degenerates to a lot of “trying this” or “trying that” to see what will fly. and innovative. This requires you to be very adaptable. not dumb adoration. judge. and in most cases. sharp and also spontaneous. and that make them feel good about themselves. brings very little reward if the other person doesn’t feel the time spent is “worth it. being present and focused is being open and alert in your interaction which has just one goal—to focus undivided attention on the other person and to make her or him feel exclusive. or trying to anticipate. Stay focused and be present with him or her at all times. friendly. . and rewarding. Staying focused and present does not mean trying to respond to the person’s every expectation (including our own unrealistic ones). but total focus. Exclusivity.

We all have the ability to craft emotionally transcendent experiences that can make our dates. Taking your time to experience each and every moment as new. charming. bit by bit. It is well worth remembering the sensibilities of the senses. Furthermore. and are adept at sniffing out danger. . enlivening. agreeable. A seductive intention must be shown gradually. Resist the urge to rush . not only will you cheat yourself of this most delicious part of seduction. endearing. They are your best ally. . If you rush through. pleasing. if you want to effectively stimulate and hold the imagination so that it triggers appropriate emotions in a man or woman. significant. Who wouldn’t want to spend eternity with someone like that? © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 51 . Even if you know where you want to go. Rushing things too fast may force him or her to make a premature evaluation of you and your intentions. Always keep in mind that the present moment hovers between becoming the past and progressing into the future. listening beyond beguiling words for manipulative intentions. One way to make emotions more powerful and more “bonding” is to stretch out the moment. Most men and women are guarded and watchful of possible physical intrusions by others.the dance of emotional attraction mistakes and prefer structure and predictability and who have a tendency to feel impatient and frustrated. enticing. but it may be very difficult to recreate the sense of deep connection once you have gone too far. It is a natural instinct of self-protection that triggers such defensive behaviour. and reality altering way. lovers. and necessary allows you to observe how the other is reacting. don’t rush the moment. and spouses feel they are flirting (literally!) with the unpredictable and the unknown in a most intense. it is impossible to know the intentions or feelings of the other with complete certainty.

It influences the way we stand. feel. hen they enter a room. how we respond to stress. Something from them seems to flow to us. heads turn. and everyone wants to know who they are. They make a public announcement and we feel as though they are addressing us personally. Their intangible felt presence is so strong that we instantly feel connected to them even when we hardly know them. immeasurable. how we walk on the street. you are observing personal charisma in action. or the “It” factor. we will have experienced many internal shifts. and affects everything and everyone who comes in contact with us. They speak words of inspiration and we feel something within us being understood. When you see someone with this kind of force radiating from them like a magnetic field. The people with this unique quality seem to have an inexplicable ability to move us deeply—physically. how we talk to customer service people. or healed. Charisma. After a few minutes of meeting with them. all at the same time. emotionally. spellbinding. and elusive quality that distinguishes those who have “it” from everyone else. engaging. say. They look at us and we feel very special.THE “SEXTH” SENSE—YOU CAN’T FAKE IT Our level of confidence in our sexual beingness influences everything we think. or do. and how we go about our everyday lives. emotions. and inspirations. restored. is a term used today to describe an enthralling. and intellectually. Are some people born with personal charisma? Can personal charisma be created? Can it be taught and can it be learned? W © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 52 .

displaying an impressive vocabulary and lavish speaking style. or access to sources of power and influence regardless of their actual personal abilities. but we can imitate particular behaviours that establish a sense of ease. Other things like a relaxed and aware body language. the concentration of the snake. the resilience of a cat. and like any function of self-confidence. while others seem to be born with the natural ability to inspire us with words and actions and to raise our awareness above the mundane. the elegance of the gazelle. Basic things like having a great smile. self-synchrony or integrating our facial expressions. In some indigenous cultures. This is meant to introduce the individuals to the particular bodily sense and the drives. . posture and gestures with our speech—things that make us believable—can also increase our personal charismatic appeal. A central tenet of personal charisma is self-confidence. and even wardrobe. A majority of charismatic people however are those capable of having profound and extraordinary effects on others by the force of their developed personal abilities. or present in minimal quantities in the human world but abundant in the animal world. yes and no .the “sexth” sense—you can’t fake it Some people are born with a commanding physical presence (extraordinary height. individuals are encouraged to mirror the “spirit” of those who particularly impress them as being charismatic and as having presence. desires. . and instinctual energies that are absent. confidence. and self-assurance. etc. the speed of the cheetah. being attentive to others during conversations. all add to personal charisma. We may not be able to learn or fake charisma per se. selfmotivation and self-awareness. does personal charisma really matter? Well. extremely good looks or physique). There are many articles written and books published about alpha males and alpha females. the alertness of the deer. the fire of the tiger. In the world of sexual attraction. anyone can learn it—or fake it. the loyalty of a dog. If we want a star to run for political office or someone to hire or promote to a position of authority we would naturally want © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 53 . as well as mirroring the “spirit” of various domestic and wild animals—the inner strength of the lion. emotional sensitivity. sense of humour.

success. looks. . We might want to “fall in love” or “sleep” with his or her good looks. while personal charisma has some of the qualities found in sexually magnetic men and women. power. and aspirations of others—a man or woman who likes to take risks. all the personal charisma in the world falls flat if you do not have that earthy (dare I say. We would want someone who is “dominant” and can voice his or her ideas more powerfully and with more enduring conviction than others. but stripped of these. and while it helps a lot to have some dose of personal charisma. sensitivity. and is endowed with a strong will and efficiency. For this you need a lot more than personal charisma and the simplistic notions of powerful words. We would also want someone with a drive to survive in a cutthroat world and go for the “kill” without reservation or remorse. that person may not be as magnetic as initially imagined. Indeed. And of course. money. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 54 . personality. brains. This is to say. You need to be able to make a man or woman’s libido sit up and howl—loudly. intensity and healthy desires). or influence as long as he or she has it. body language. both men and women will take a pass on personal charisma if it means getting a partner who lacks nurturance. aggressive. influence.the “sexth” sense—you can’t fake it someone with the ability to persuade. talent. both men and women instinctually prefer (and they test it to the limit) those who are tender by nature. imaginative. creative. we would want a high achiever with the ability to “get the job done” quickly and professionally. and sexual expressiveness. good ideas. spontaneous. or money. and change the preferences. primitive) irresistible magnetism that drives sexual attraction. values. unpredictable. But would we be sexually attracted to this person? Not necessarily. erotically-alive (radiating a kind of sensitivity that is linked irrevocably to unabashed sexual openness and responsiveness. Research suggests that rather than being drawn to people who demonstrate pure personal charisma. social status. You need that unmistakable aesthetic swish and swagger that advertises sexual beingness without needing to undress or act out sexually . . needs. is extremely dynamic. breeding. exploratory.

how we talk to others. Until fairly recently. sexual charisma manifests itself in our ability to reconcile our sexual drives and desires with our means.the “sexth” sense—you can’t fake it Sexual charisma or sexual confidence is a level of psycho-sexual development where we feel sexually desirous and desirable in and of ourselves without the desire for anything else outside of ourselves. urges. who we are attracted to. but the anxiety generated remains deeply embedded in the way we relate sexually. But more importantly. In everyday life. as well as our ability to operate our sexual lives in a responsible manner. and use your in-born God-given raw sexual energy. Many western cultures and even so called “new” schools of thought still refer to the sexual state as a ”lower” or “primitive” state. “I like the sexual being I am and I know you will like me too. how we respond to stress. When you have high confidence in yourself as a sexual male or sexual female. relaxed sensuous state and are more able to focus. .” A dangerous and potentially destructive “drive” that dragged down men and women to act. Most of us still keep sexual desires and their expression under the lock and key of a strict series of technical calculations susceptible to the same kinds of rule-like mathematical formulae as the rest of rational thought. fantasies. You know what I © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 55 . It is saying. coordinate our thoughts. It could be thought of as a sort of higher level of self-esteem. and verbal and non-verbal expressions. The account of the “evilness of desires” mostly dates back to the puritanical Victorian era. . how we walk on the street. sexual charisma manifests itself in the way we stand. desires. express. you embody a self-assured.” Sexual charisma is also the blueprint for how we interact with the opposite sex. often against their better judgement. and how we go about everyday things. sexual energy was something most of us in the Western world thought of as “sinful. The power of our sexual energy is probably the best kept secret of all times . what we will try and who or what we will avoid. but which could be redeemed by intellectual rationality. sentiments.

legs. Nothing is spontaneous and fun anymore. personal values. kiss the neck for two minutes.” everything and everyone is fascinating. It is a profound source of joy and pleasure that is nurturing. sensations. … good. and relate to others. and focus their innate and raw sexual energy. eyes—a regenerating energy that extends to all outer and inner organs of the body’s systems and permeates each little bit of the body and soul and makes us quiver with sensation and anticipation. sings. next run fingers in the small of the back for another two minutes. Many of us are beginning to understand and appreciate human sexuality as something that concerns transcendent consciousness. this subconsciously accepted. healing. count up to fourteen.the “sexth” sense—you can’t fake it am talking about—touch the ear and keeping rubbing for four minutes. and enlivening. and deeply fascinating. We are still fearful of real intimacy. Fortunately for our generation. who they are attracted to. and dances throughout our beings—arms. revitalizing. as well as taken for granted account of human sexuality is losing its accepted validity and coherence. turn her on her back and get down to business—that kind of cold mechanical nonsense that gives the impression that sex is a mathematical equation and we are scheming human calculators. and how they choose to express. But what exactly is this mystified and enchanted characteristic of human potential that drives sexual charisma? Sexual energy is a self-regulating primal force that flows. In this state of “aliveness. It’s all functional. now. emotions. It is also the centre of being from which we reach out. hips. move to the left and start stroking thighs. As a result we still struggle with the tension between the expression of our contradictory yearnings and the constraints of the social world. expand. how a person feels about him or herself as well as his or her sexual behaviour. the inner workings of the body. breasts. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 56 . lift leg exactly 90 degrees. routine. tedious. or separate. chest. One of the manifestations of this tension is our inability to express our sexual beingness in a way that is healthy. and distrustful and suspicious of our sexual nature. colourless. channel. thoughts. nothing is experienced as ordinary.

If you want to test this theory. “Body” in this context refers to mind/emotions/spirit since this is where our thoughts. It is precisely this capacity to become genuinely involved—not as they ought to be. sharpens the mind. Sexual energy makes the human body desirable. nor as they wish they were. selflessness. and emotional intensity that go beyond ordinary consciousnesses. Our bodies also act as a node and conduit for the flow of sexual energy to others. lots of cellulite. as well as subconsciously . This in turn increases their sexual magnetism which in turn makes them even more attractive and “sexy. but as they really are—that adds to their appealing air of magnetized charisma. feelings. and receptive to the movement or flow of sexual energy in our bodies. skills. crinkles. tell someone you know that he or she is “very sexy” and watch how they © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 57 .the “sexth” sense—you can’t fake it It is the one energy that is present in all living beings. we can easily create vibrations that make us attractive to others. intuition. inspiring sensations of electrifying vitality.” What this means is that when we are highly sensitive. feeds the creative self. connects us to the spiritual.” It awakens all of our senses. and every other real or imagined body flaw—can become the most attractive body simply by charging itself with sexual energy. releases the emotions. inspiration. . Somehow the “sexiest man/woman alive” image we bestow on these people gives them the permit (and public license) to generate sexual energy at will as well as consciously. open. and strengths that we already manifest in our lives. It also means that even a body that is not considered beautiful by “modern” societal standards— stretch marks. Your body can generate and activate sexual energy at will. and “supercharges” the physical body adding significant value to the abilities. . awareness are “housed. People who are glamorized as sex symbols are a good example of how the body works as a conduit for sexual energy. Men and women with a manifest abundance of this elemental and enlivening force have particular characteristics of excitement. wrinkles.

And also. thrice a year. and experiences. I am not talking about sex specifically. but rather the way our bodies understand and interpret our sexual thoughts. actions. or emotional aspects of that man or woman inspired a deep primal reaction and generated a sort of “buzz” of energy inside of you. twice a week. not even “you’re very sexy” will help. flushing to sweating palms. butterflies in the stomach to dizziness. excitement to pure ecstasy. or our style of “doing sex” (Kama Sutra.the “sexth” sense—you can’t fake it suddenly become “alive. Of course. gesture. Particular physical. or emotional attributes. yoga. being able to feel sexual energy moving there and being able to “transfer” that energy to others. scissor. this will not work on someone who thinks “sexy” or the sexual in general is something sinful or evil.” What “moves” you is the primal sexual energy carried as a rhythm by the person and brought into being by a particular part of the body. tantra. fear of losing control to feelings of going crazy. and receptivity to sexual energy should not be confused with how often we want to “do sex” (once a day. We’re generating sexual energy all the time and all of us can feel when our sexual energy is activated. trembling to weak knees. or even an isolated expression.” as if someone has plugged them into a socket. Sexual transference is something most of us mistake for “love” exactly because the intense feeling of a particular person can satisfy our mental. or technique of “doing. doggy. style. This is about having a heightened awareness of the interior space of the body. intellectual. This enthrallment is both physical and emotional at the same time. specific look. When you go through this confusing and destabilizing “temporal madness” you are experiencing the activation of your sexual energy. from awkwardness to stammering. and so forth. What “moves” you and causes the whole range of reactions is not the physiological. openness.). intellectual. but how conscious are we of what’s going on? When we feel a strong sexual attraction to someone we often go through a whole range of feelings. if their self-esteem is extremely low. or whatever). etc. way of walking or expression. personal gesture. missionary. Sensitivity. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 58 . pounding heart to accelerated breathing.

but “primal energy” is the same for all people. the reality is that she’s attracted to how she resonates with his primal sexual energy. and is attracted to itself . . Dress. people appear friendlier. personal gestures. the man’s sexual desire communicates that it desires the woman’s desire. . . body type. roses smell sweeter. If the man’s erotic desire is strong enough (selfless and good in intention) it hits the woman like a bomb. Many indigenous traditions claim that sexual energy seeks out sexual energy and is attracted to itself. Say that a man casts a desiring expression towards a particular woman. and the limits and directions imposed by social structure and environment. and spiritual needs.the “sexth” sense—you can’t fake it emotional. desires itself. What is even more fascinating about sexual energy is that it is not just our person (and object of attraction) that is enveloped in this energy. Although the woman’s conscious mind may interpret this as physiological attraction (or attraction to his appearance or dress). She gets that unconscious feeling of a “secret being shared” and is in turn sexually charged. It would be great if all we needed to do was point our sexual energy towards someone and boom! But that is not how it works. . and forms of expression may vary from individual to individual and from culture to culture due to differences in family structure. sexual. The people we connect with in a primal way are the people we are attracted to. seeks itself. food taste better. making us want them more. social. The person must also have his or her sexual energy activated towards us for sexual attraction to be mutual. The overpowering force of this energy makes the sunset look more beautiful. Sexual energy generalizes itself by sexualizing everything in the energy field of the sexually charged individual (s) . the moment more © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 59 . our immediate environment or energy field is equally charged. Sexual energy communicates to itself. biological makeup. physical.

the “sexth” sense—you can’t fake it significant. Walking rigidly and inflexibly is not a good place to start learning the art of seduction. taking a difficult school exam. shame. some others consciously or subconsciously generate so much energy that they struggle with extreme sexual reactions to unusual (and any) stimuli. A majority of men and women generate so little sexual energy that they are sexually unconfident and insecure. While some people are skilled at generating their sexual energy at will and in healthy levels. or even hearing “bad news. decreased arousal. They walk around angry. anxiety. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 60 . looking at the map of the world. sexual timidity. and life worth living. Sometimes sexual energy between two people is so strong that you can literally smell or touch it. For many people. he or she also ends up “in love. it is important to remember that “attraction” at this level may not last unless there are other stable aspects needed for a lasting bond—emotional and intellectual attraction. If there is a strong enough energy generated. Maybe that is why when we take a friend along on a double date. Some of my clients have confessed to being “turned on” by observing bacteria dividing under a microscope. . . The ability to generate sexual energy at will is a skill in its own right .” Still. other people who find themselves in the magnetic field of such people find their own energy activated so that people who may not have been previously attracted to each other start seeing each other in a “different” way. frustrated. and restricted in those parts of the body they associate with the sexual and/or sex. It slows you down and actually makes you less desirable. low sexual drive. this struggle can be resolved by identifying and working through the unconscious “issues” made manifest by these “unusual” reactions. When you constantly restrict and frustrate the free flow of sexual energy (through feelings of anxiety. your sexual energy can become sublimated into problems associated with low self-esteem— depression.” These reactions are not harmful in themselves except for the embarrassment they cause for the people who have to “hide” them. or anger).

being sexually promiscuous. and environment. This area is known as the “centre of life” because it is through our parents’ pelvis that we come into life and through our own pelvis that life comes through us. wrinkles and all). thereby increasing sexual charisma. When you feel sexual attraction or de© 2007 Christine Akiteng page 61 . from the genes. expression. around. . You’ll find that you are less worried about a “perfect” body or “sexy” clothes because your sexual energy will and can energize not just your body (stretch marks. knowledge and awareness.the “sexth” sense—you can’t fake it erection problems. down. increase integrity. Self-awareness—being grounded and using discernment—will usually provide all the sexual energy you need . like always talking about sex in a very graphic “detached” manner. clarity and unity (feeling of oneness). Many African rites and rituals are based on this profound and very cautiously guarded. pre-ejaculation. believe that sexual energy should be allowed to flow freely and it’s abundance consciously and artfully used to achieve spiritual enlightenment. Frustration of this energy also manifests itself in overcompensating ways. These rites and rituals are part of a discipline that teaches individuals the refined art of moving sexual energy in. but your whole being. figuratively and literally. lubrication problems. Your hara or “centre of life” is about 2 to 4 inches below your belly button. from the centre out to the sides. reckless. African traditions on the other hand (see appendix). Some ancient traditions and schools of thought believe that sexual energy must be conserved (recycled and stored until needed). . and anyone who comes in contact with you. nose. So while you may not have much control over the kind of body. as well as spread contagious ecstasy. eye colour. you can learn to charge your body with sexual energy and achieve the same or even higher level of sexual appeal as those who got it. One of the ways you can learn how to circulate your sexual energy throughout your whole body is to connect with your hara. failure to achieve orgasms. create and celebrate life. lips. up. and the inability to experience a sexual transcendent state or sexual ecstasy. sexually aggressive and violent. and out of the body. or height handed down to you by genetics. cellulite.

lead you to excitement and industriousness in other good areas totally unrelated to the opposite sex. more relaxed. sexually ecstatic. chances are your “centre of life” is trying to communicate to and with you. chances are you will have sensations in this area. as it sometimes does. and sexually magnetic. you also become more flexible in mind and body. and solid. or sex for that matter.the “sexth” sense—you can’t fake it sire for someone. exhausted. grounded. lacklustre. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 62 . and power! Being able to generate your sexual energy at will and using it in a focused manner can sometimes stir you out of a depressed. and tired state. But obviously you will not access your gut’s wisdom if you believe it has nothing to tell you. This is your true sexual energy in its flavour. And even if the energy generated is temporary. it can. And when you have “gut” feelings. When you focus your attention on this point and regulate your sexual energy throughout your whole body by “loosening” this area (also see Chapter 8). you not only become more centered. or if you believe only your brain has intelligence. texture.

seduce. beliefs. and behaviours as grown-ups are shaped by how we were raised and what we were programmed with as children. Our parents found it hard to admit then that even as children we were sexual and experienced sexual feelings.” We were not allowed to go to sleep naked. and how we approach. and every reaction we felt about our sexuality is remembered in our subconscious minds and in our bodies. and we lie about it. But as sexual beings. we were unable to completely deny our need for sexual experimentation and sexual pleasure. pretend not to care about it. Some of them labelled these sexual behaviours forms of self-abuse or “bad habits’ that had to be broken. M uch of our sexual attitudes. how often we seek it. and relate with the opposite sex says a lot about who we are and how we see ourselves sexually. Many of us were born into families where parents assumed we are born with no concept of sex or sexuality. Even though we quickly learned to suppress our sensual curiosity. lie together in bed.REPROGRAMMING YOUR SEXUAL CODE We joke about it. Sometimes we even had to follow strict sleeping regimens often referred to as “the nice way to go to sleep. The first experiences of our early childhood lives are our strongest and most nostalgic memories of physical and emotional intimacy. whether we seek it at all. They were alarmed when we showed sexual tendencies. every word we were told. The way we seek to have sexual contact. most of © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 63 . These early experiences become the quality and rhythm of desire and sexual expression that stays with us throughout our lives or until we make a conscious effort to change what we believe and how we react. every touch we received. We were yelled at and our hands slapped. every look we were given. who we seek it from. deny sexual urges and expression. or be in bed too long before falling asleep.

© 2007 Christine Akiteng page 64 . becomes the servant of rational reasoning to the point where it begins to shrivel and die. we draw it up and out of the body and restrict and confine it through reason and rational thinking. shallow. anxieties. a few of us knew why. or inadequacy. Even when we were taught about sex. Even our language and voice reflect this disconnection— dry. a feeling of shame or guilt. unpredictable. The importance of kinetic manifestation or bodily sensations was diminished. because we do not know we have access to the natural way of being sexual in the body. anxiety. but a majority did not know what to do with the sensations we experienced in our bodies moment to moment. Instead of allowing sexual energy to freely flow through the whole body. and close to the primal forces of nature. This way of being sexual. uncertain. We learned that we shouldn’t engage in certain sexual behaviours. We are not just physically but also sexually clumsy. Some of us were not only discouraged from being sexual. perhaps not even taught. Although we consciously forgot what happened. voice. and figure things out consciously or process the impact of sexual and erotic transference. . analyze. we were never taught about our sexuality . of something missing or lost. We also took on our parents’ sexual fears. the “birds and bees” anatomy format did not permit for sexual inquiry and exploration because adults subconsciously censored sexual vocabularies and reproduced them in disfigured clinical terms. and moralizing as our own ideas of sexuality. we’re constantly haunted by feelings of a sense of inner emptiness. became part of our nature and settled into habits of gesture. undervalued. . highly energized. and held back. The body which is innately sensate. and thoughts that block primal energy from flowing into all parts of the body. practiced from childhood.reprogramming your sexual code us acted out our sexual behaviours or thought about it anyway—but we also felt guilty about it. empty. and so buried everything in our subconscious minds and our bodies. spontaneous. We were too young to understand what was happening and had not fully developed the ability to reflect.

sexual doctor. but not as a sexual professional. or sexual identity. . etc.reprogramming your sexual code How you know you are sexually repressed . You see yourself as a professional. and meaningless searches for sexual pleasure in order to appear “sexually dominant” or “sexually desirable. frequent. a teacher. and use words in place of touch. business person. and urges are separate from other parts of your life. desires. you either cut off further contact or at least discourage it. an activist. but as soon as things begin to feel intimate at all.” You try to hide your fear of the opposite sex by demonstrating your power and control over helpless individuals. by placing them on parallel. and always have a problem understanding the emotional and sexual experience of others. you may feel the © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 65 .. You construct strict walls between other parts of your life (what you do) and your sexual nature (who you are). sexual politician. and desires merely as a biological constructs or as a form of recreation. a parent. lifestyle. or even a sexual parent. And sex—that is just another routine bonk to keep you in cycle or to keep your spouse happy enough to stay in the relationship. Your whole life is constructed in such away that your sexual nature. You communicate your feelings and sensations by manipulating words and letters. one has little to do with the other. You treat your sexual thoughts. You are “okay” being with others as long as you are able to keep them at a distance. or emotion. non-intersecting tracks—in your thinking. You confuse everything with sex and engage in casual sex as an immature flight from emotional intimacy. In the struggle to master your own sexual anxieties. . Yet the more you separate your sexualized being from other parts of your life. Sexuality for you is more of an issue about politics and economics. . You have this overwhelming need to express an over-sexualized false image or to engage in compulsive. urges. but you still find yourself avoiding social contacts that are likely to lead to intimacy. gesture. the more unsatisfying your relationships are and the more meaningless your life. How you know you are sexually immature . a politician. . You may be physically “attractive” in the social sense of the word. Your approach to sexuality is of a purely cognitive construct within a purely linguistic domain. legal rights and reproductive freedoms. a doctor.

control. and kissing but experience feelings of terror. etc. nagging. You struggle with sexual thoughts and desires and pretend that. You experience anxiety and even panic at the thought of any sexual interaction because the “sexual” makes you feel like you are on “dangerous” ground. Understanding your sexual behaviour can change your life completely . for relief from stress.—while revelling in the “shocked” response of your audience. you react with the emotional tendencies you learned in childhood—sulking. You rely on sex for comfort from pain. dominance. or revulsion when it comes to specific kinds of activities. anxiety. . Even when free from conflicting values and commitments. and to hide the inner pain. And when you try to break out of your neurotic fear of the erotic. revenge. . flashing your breasts. manipulation. at best. You’ve never allowed or been able to let your erotic energy flow and take possession of your sexuality in a way that it is revitalizing.reprogramming your sexual code need to exhibit parts of the body you associate with sexuality—grabbing the crotch. etc. consciously or subconsciously. and spiritually elevating. neediness.. such as sexual intercourse or contact with genitals. disgust. You hesitate because your sexual beliefs and hang-ups from your childhood conflict with the erotic energy locked inside. you may very well be afraid of getting yourself in potentially sexually intimate situations. as an escape from boredom. touching. sexual desire does not exist or that all attention to sexuality is debasing and unwanted. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 66 . You also revert. How you know you are sexually dysfunctional . withdrawal. And when your sexual needs are not met. Your sexual thoughts are often out-of-control and your sexual behaviour is more compulsive than thought through. frequently. to well-rehearsed one-person sexual activities where you feel confident and competent. you do so anxiously. You also feel the need to hide these “dirty sexual” parts of your body. You engage in sex out of a disturbed need for power. or a perverted expression of anger. uplifting. clinginess. You may enjoy and find pleasure in certain sexual activities like hugging. exposing your buttocks. irresponsibly or by obsessing about it. .

and moments of self-discovery is almost certain to surprise you. with anyone we choose. and the courage to change the things you need to change before you can become the mysterious and powerful. memories of painful humiliations. expansions. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 67 . engaging. It requires a lot of self-reflection.reprogramming your sexual code Overturning your deeply-rooted patterns of thought and behaviour involves more than simply seeing the “light” and moving forward in a blissful state of enlightened liberation. so we’ve been told—we think that if we give permission to the non-rational. . and the right to love and be loved in return. What you experience during these new openings. . nor am I suggesting that we go around shagging anywhere. fears of inadequacy and rejection). Recognizing that everyone is sexual is part of recognizing their humanity. deeper aspects of life. After working with hundreds of singles over the years. confusions. Because we were brought up to think of the sexual and sexual energy as something dangerous that can interfere with our striving towards pure logic and reason—the proper conduct of the “good” soul. they will go “wild. willingness to look at yourself as you are (simmering resentments. we’ll become overwhelmed. and magnetic sexual being who can truly be free to live life to the fullest. anytime. Stop lying about sex . . Recognize and accept that everyone is sexual . The important first step is to embrace your sexuality as a wondrous driving force in your life. we are sexual beings with sexual bodies whether or not we are engaged in sexual activities or behaviour. I know first-hand that many people worry that if they overcome their inhibitions. From the time we are born to the time we die. normal. I don’t mean that we’re supposed to look at everyone and start imagining them engaged in sexual behaviour. Sexuality is part of being human. This is about recognizing the right to the sexual life of each human being. and very powerful part of life. a natural. . emotional wounds.” They worry that if they get comfortable with the sexual they will become promiscuous.

In most cases. Challenge your sexual beliefs .reprogramming your sexual code It has long been known that men are prone to lie about the number of their sexual conquests and women to under-represent their degree of sexual experience and to lie about orgasmic experiences. If you are insecure about sexual skills then you need to take the initiative to learn and develop the emotional and social skills you need to be able to share your real self with your sexual partner in a way that is meaningful and pleasurable. Your subconscious has chosen to keep some of your beliefs “hidden” from your consciousness. when in fact we’re looking for someone we hope will love and care for us. only for the sexual exhibition to transform into condescending aloofness when we retire in the darkness of our sexual insecurities. “What does he or she see in me?” Sometimes we create a super sexy image of ourselves through pure exhibitionism. Sometimes we delude ourselves into thinking we have incredible sexual chemistry with someone when in fact. . We trick ourselves into meaningless sex when we lie about who we are and who our partners are. we’re actually deluding ourselves. and an action filter that determines how you create your life. deal with that and resolve it. Some of your beliefs you are fully aware of. Your beliefs are both a perceptual filter through which you experience life. our self-esteem is badly damaged when we are rejected on grounds that we’re not “all that!” Other times we deceive ourselves that we’re looking for a loving and caring partner with whom we’ll have great sex with. If you have conflicted beliefs and emotions about sex. then you need to get to the bottom of it. . Waking up to your “hidden” beliefs can be something of a © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 68 . some you are not. But very few of us are aware that when we lie about sex and our sexual nature. we are wondering “What do I see in him or her?” and vice versa. You’ve probably heard it a zillion times before—your beliefs create your reality. Lying to yourself keeps you from facing the truth and very often you become the victim of your own lies. deep inside. We project this delusion on who we attract and how we select sexual partners.

Keep © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 69 .” and so on. Sex is unimportant. Hopefully this exercise will lead you to uncover some of your “hidden” beliefs. sex. You might even be left wondering why you didn’t make the connection before! You can begin your voyage of uncovering your beliefs by examining some of the beliefs you have and are already consciously aware about sexuality. Here are a few examples to get you started: Sex is a dangerous. and the erotic you are already consciously aware of. think about what it says about who you are. and the erotic. begin testing these beliefs by asking questions: Where or from whom did I get this idea. thoughts. It is wrong to have sexual fantasies. Seduction is always selfish. thought. Sex must only ever occur at the instigation of the man. event. Word your statements to avoid negatives—“not. Be sure to make statements rather than questions. Start by listing some of the beliefs about sexuality. 1. and negative force. Feel free expand on these as you like. sex. person.reprogramming your sexual code revelation. destructive. Sex is boring. or belief? What affect does this belief have on my life? Is this belief valid in my life today? Does this belief support or limit me? Is this belief still proven valid by the truth as I know it? Do I have all the information I need to justify applying this belief to every similar situation.” “isn’t” “don’t. Men who love sex are players. or relationship? Could I change my attitudes. Women are offended by men who act sexual towards them. 2. Once you’ve exhausted everything. Any woman who initiates sex is a slut. Masturbation is dirty and harmful. or beliefs if necessary? As you go through the exercise. Be gentle and free of judgment as you explore your inner world. With hindsight you will probably be able to see how these beliefs have had a huge impact in your life.

You need to drop all those expectations about how it’s supposed to be like. and attraction requires disciplined effort. your identification with self. reverence. .reprogramming your sexual code in mind that no attitudes. powerful. and mystery of life and the infinite world. beliefs. sexual lust. It is best to just open yourself up and let it happen to you naturally. fantasies. anxieties. surprise. You don’t start sex by saying this time I want to do it like this or like that. This includes the recipe-like sex-manuals and their calculated routines. assessment of self. or even wrong. in what ways. another time it’s different. beliefs. when it contains the whole sense of awe. etc. They served a healthy purpose at some point in your life but old attitudes.. bad. and individualized expression of you. and your value or worth of self. and hang-ups are stupid. We each have our own individual ways of expressing ourselves as sexual beings. Getting rid of those expectations about how it’s supposed to be like may require you to stand apart from almost everything you’ve ever been taught about sex and everything you’ve heard or read about sex. Develop your own individual sexual style . Balancing sexual energy. concentrating on the interconnectedness between the outward expression of your sexual nature. magic. We each choose whether or not to be actively sexual. One time you feel a certain way and want to do it that way. especially at the beginning. Sex is best when it is in its most natural form. can become a mismatch as you change. grow. and accumulate experiences. . If you don’t feel good about yourself you’ll find it difficult to see yourself as a sexual person. desire. wonder. dreams. fears. experiences. urges. Allow yourself to connect with who you really are. Work on developing spontaneity in your emotional manifestations by taking actions in each moment that © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 70 . dreams. Your sexual being is a unique. The emotions that go with sex don’t exist in a fixed scientific equation but are created in relation to whatever is going on inside of the two persons at a given moment. desires. how often. and with whom. Nothing about human sexuality should be taken for granted.

reprogramming your sexual code are driven by your inner awareness. Enhance your spiritual awareness . punitive and regressive ideas about human sexuality. scheming. In particular. No matter how religious. repressions. and thoughts. one will be perverted and the other distorted. behaviours. but our self-judgment and self-rejection—shame. and living in self-distrust. . repression. we may find our erotic yearning sublimated into worlds of fantasy such as pornography. Somewhere in each of us is an erotic yearning for the free expression of our sexual nature. . guilty feelings. if sex and spirit are separated. fears. . or perceptive you are. learned. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 71 . And because we are afraid to include our sexual desires. There is a deep connection between your longing for sexual quintessence and spiritual awareness. fear of abandonment. Let go off contriving. etc. fantasies. or unexpressed fears about sex. clever. . By paying attention to your sexual dreams. Become more conscious of your sexual dreams. pretence. and thoughts . you can learn about yourself and perhaps discover ways to make your sex life more fulfilling.—keeps us from acquiring the skills we require for selfrevelation and self-acceptance. fantasies. your desires. and fantasies into our actual lives. and waking sexual fantasies and daydreams all have a lot to teach you about your sexual nature. dreams. they can reveal your deep feelings. intelligent. Your sexual thoughts. erotic dreams. The struggle for sexual embodiment is also an expression of the journey towards spiritual enlightenment and maturity. knowledgeable. and anxieties.

while some women say it’s in the tightness of the butt and size of the genitalia. of the right and left sides of the face. Others say it is about a willingness to share emotions and thoughts. Some men say it is in the size of the breasts. But if you don’t have the “right” ratios.SEXING THE BODY Your body is like a full-figure motion billboard advertising hidden messages about you that sometimes even you don’t know you are broadcasting—and wherever you go. S exy is what we all want. ! There may be a few who are completely satisfied with the way their bodies look. of waist to hip. and shape contribute to physical attractiveness. how do you make your body look sexy? Can you even make your body sexy at all? While body ratios. and a sense of “danger” anytime. the big breasts or tight ass. sensitivity and dependability. while others say they’ll pass on sexy underwear. or who have finally learned to accept themselves exactly the way © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 72 . many courtship and mating studies say a sexy body has everything to do with geometry—the ratio of leg to torso. But what does it mean to be sexy or to have a sexy body? Some people say sexy is in intelligence and good sense of humor. they are not the only factors in determining “sexiness. and so forth. On the other hand. excitement. There are those who say sexy is all about the clothes. .” and they certainly are not the most important ones . your body goes too. A good number say sexy is all in the eyes. and nylon for freshness. high heels. size.

teachers. The different © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 73 . . When you meet a man or woman you are attracted to. media. How you feel about your body is a reflection of your struggle to define your personal relationship with yourself (who am I?) and with others (who are you and how do we get along?) . But almost everyone. your fullness ruffling every feather because you feel comfortable enough in your body to invite others in. If you were raised by parents and in a social environment that encouraged you to love your body as well as your feelings. how it feels. and present yourself in a way that’s appealing. We were deprived of the emotional and sensory information we needed to distinguish between what is inside and what is outside us. you learned to be in awe of the human body as one of nature’s miracles (rightly so). were expecting somebody more “perfect” looking. Without this proper inner focus. anxious. is dissatisfied with some aspect of how they appear to others. for all of us. and it will hit hard. The natural desire to “get along” and feel accepted. somebody outside of ourselves—peers. And if you don’t understand what it is. meant for our inner qualities. and insecure. how it functions—and as a result are at home in it. but not quite as confident in your “sexiness. . unconditionally. You may be confident and very successful in other areas of your life. we’ve come to accept that what defines us is someone or something outside of ourselves.sexing the body they are. the body is where we have self-doubt. And even when you make the effort to stay in shape. you will be hit. And everywhere we turn. you don’t always feel like your body is sexy. is somehow transferred to the perfection of externals.” Something always doesn’t seem to fit right. at least some of the time. you get plumped up like a boisterous rooster. starts from the moment we are born. feel timid. a place where you can find and make a paradise for yourself and for those you love. advertising—is there to remind us we are not in a state of perfection. But very few of us are raised like this and despite our career success or business achievements. We may have sensed at a very early age that our parents (however much they tried to disguise it). Our natural inclination towards perfection. This is where you feel dramatic and full of vitality and bounce. You also learned to occupy and have a healthy relationship with your body—what it looks like. or to themselves in the mirror. eat right.

This made you feel accepted in society. The higher your body energy level. uptight. or just anxious. jaded. sit. exhausted. or visible. to be considered “good enough” to be part of the “right” crowd. But study after study shows that sexy people are not any better looking or better dressed than the average looking person. It’s true that better looking people stand out from those of us not born with great looks. How you feel about your body has a direct correlation to the energy you put out to the world. party. the sexier your body. or indifferent. laughing. like you belonged at last. dressed up the body and trained it to look. Sexiness goes beyond conventional good looks. is a cardinal sin when it comes to body attractiveness—one look and others instinctively resist or react against you and your advances. looking nervous. bought “magic solutions” in the form of pre-packaged foods and potions. important. . gesturing animatedly or dancing seductively and the other is standing with his or her arms crossed. Sometimes your self-styled “sexy” image feels like a cheap piece of wallpaper pasted over a gaping hole. Looking tired. . Imagine yourself standing in a corner at a club. and stand in a certain way. if we are to be “certified” as sexually and socially acceptable. depressed. nervous. at least comfortable enough for this feeling to last. regardless of whether your body meets society’s standards of sexy or not .sexing the body pressures to look a certain way to be popular. but it did not really make you feel at home in your own body. or to attract the “perfect” partner—all operating at the same time—are especially severe for those of us in Western societies where there is a sort of requirement for “everybody to look the same” or as near as possible to that. or even shopping mall and across the room there are two men or women. boring. it’s the one who is exuding a sense open- © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 74 . Maybe you’ve tried to replace or modify body parts through plastic surgery. touching affectionately. walk. which one would you think was more attractive? Which one would you like to get to know given the chance? Obviously. one is smiling.

and vitality. and desires that we considered unacceptable. uneasy.sexing the body ness. in our gestures (a series of premeditated and sluggish movements). sensuous. How did we get to be this way? We learned early in childhood to guard the body by involuntarily holding or tightening parts of the body from unintentionally expressing feelings. . Sexual expression is an essential ingredient for a healthy. But not all of us are comfortable about expressing our sexuality in even the most instinctive natural and healthy ways. And yet many of us walk around trying to project sexual appeal while holding a lot of tension and negative energy in our bodies. and sensitive body. It doesn’t look sexy and doesn’t inspire the opposite sex. tighten the muscles of the buttocks and thighs and move our feet in muscle spasms). cheerfulness. How you feel about your body is an outward and physical manifestation of your need. yearning. happy. tense. or disturbing. This effect is clearly visible in our faces (we look lifeless. in our postures (shoulders held slightly higher or lower than is natural). What we are not aware of is that this tension and negative energy affects our overall energy level. Many of us were basically © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 75 . For some of us this has become so much a part of us that we’ve accepted our tense state and are missing out on the miracle of fully inhabiting a vitally alive. The need and desire to express our sexual nature is as natural to our human nature as the need to breathe air. Even those of us with low energy levels will prefer and chose a man or woman with a high energy level anytime. wise. . mobile lived-body to a stiff rigid and clumsy ice block that puts up resistance to warm and spontaneous expression. and in how we walk (we pull in the pelvis. we condensed the fluid. and struggle to show your sexuality to other people . emotions. embarrassing. and connected life and a necessary condition for being content inside our bodies. or embarrassed. shamed. humiliating. Over time. We continued to tighten these parts of the body every time we think of or experience feelings and emotions that cause us to feel guilty. and mostly older than we really are). urges. intelligent.

you must admit you are not as “comfortable” with sexuality as you’d like to believe. what we have experienced. and even more insecure. It is the sheer effortless and easy nonchalance with which genuinely sexy people achieve their sexiness that makes them sexy. self-consciousness. Secondly. the physical expression of our sexuality is what gets us so nervous. self-conscious. They never try to be sexy. Thirdly. you’ll always feel nervous. not in private. and what we want. we often do so in ways that are likely to be fraught with emotional problems and laced with psychosexual conundrums. Trying too hard to be sexy can be the unsexiest thing there is. desires. We act as though our sexuality is a Halloween costume we put on to ‘freak” others out and after that take it off to retire in the darkness of sexual insecurities. First. sexual interests. anxious. If it looks like you spent hours on it or if you are working it too hard. and restlessness. you need to admit to yourself that you are not really reaping the full potential of your sexual beingness—you are not enjoying sex as much as you pretend to be and you are not having more of it. especially if it’s uselessly and needlessly out-there. Only when we individually and as a society accept that the need © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 76 . The in-your-face parade of sexuality (which seems to the latest fad in North America) has not made us any more at home with sexuality. In fact. Your sexual insecurities can emit an aura of obvious desperateness. Even when we do try to break out of our long tradition of sex-negative attitudes and biases. and desirability in self-affirming ways.sexing the body trained not to physically express our sexuality. Until you are completely honest with yourself about your sexual self. We have no healthy reference as to how to naturally express our sexual nature and no “safe” place where we can let loose and express ourselves without fear of who we are. and restless when we think of approaching someone of the opposite sex. the overdramatized themes and images of sexuality in our media has gotten so many of us confused. it can seem like a flat detail on a painting— precisely done for no added value. Instead of giving a fair and empowering voice to our deeper emotions. you need to give sexuality its rightful place in all aspects of your daily life. nor has it delivered us from our compulsive need to debase the body .we still treat the body as a trophy to be put on view or a bag of skin to be made fun of. they just are sexy. and certainly not in public.

Their supposedly objective and knowledgeable insights—throw in a few romantic gestures (candles. Just try to follow the “expert” manuals on “how to properly and effectively . which has not been resolved .sexing the body and desire to express our sexual nature is as natural to our human nature as the need to breathe air will we make our society more vibrant and nurturing instead of being a fertile ground for profound inhibitions and all sorts of collective obsessions. The brain and body never seem to be aligned and both seem to always be a few inches in front or behind the person you are trying to share an experience with. massage. But although there is a better recognition of the role of the body in human well-being. products. we have seen remarkable enthusiasm about the so-called “body-spirit-mind” connection. scented oils. services. and the physical expression of sexuality in another culture. thinking and feeling. etc. and techniques that promise to enhance our way of relating to the body. etc). add in a few boo- © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 77 .” and you will find that your “brain” is rushing a little ahead and your body is lagging a little bit behind. Over the last three decades. Along with it came an upsurge of books. What is considered “socially acceptable” in one culture can have different connotations with respect to love. You cannot ask your peers or friends because they too are pretty much groping in the dark while the “experts” are too shy or embarrassed to even admit they really have no idea. and the body lower and inferior. How you feel about your body is the age-old story of the rift between mind and body. push a few buttons (touch here. . one cannot be separated from the other. . may not find acceptance in the second culture. . when to take it to the next level. intimacy. . there is still that same old story of the mind in opposition to the body. You may be someone who is very familiar with human anatomy and have a good basic knowledge of the biology of things. with mind assumed to be higher and superior. touch there. how much is too much. but somehow you don’t seem to know when soon is too soon. rose petals. or vice versa. chocolate. I must quickly add here that sexual expression and culture are intimate bedmates. bottle of champagne. and consequently.

or mosque to reap the benefits of living fully in your body. and the relationships we enter into with such hope fail to fulfill us or our partners. and connection. All of us. I personally believe that spirituality is a belief and a sort of deep “knowing” that you’re connected to something greater. The body’s relationship to the spirit and the struggle of the spirit is often neglected in the discussions about body image. something larger than yourself. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to regularly attend church. at any age. or a clothing label. and desires are going on inside us at a given moment into little logical fixed “steps. Yet there have been a lot of studies. and vibrant. living and being with yourself. we are stuck in fixed repertoires of response and reaction to people and situations. and meaning. safety. sensuous. do some heavy breathing (haah. and rather than fear. can increase our spiritual awareness and give our bodies a sense of peace. haah). . that show that people who have body and spirit harmonic alignment also have a positive self and body image that does not depend on the numbers on the scale. In trying to develop something that cannot be developed mechanically. safety.sexing the body tylicious tricks). It is about your way of thinking. and have an orgasm—all fail to measure up to the fantastic promise they hold in our heads. sensations. with more coming out all of the time. . or go to a synagogue. deny. In trying to “freeze” and “package” whatever emotions. you need to avoid overspiritualizing sexuality and inadvertently obstructing the natural inner © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 78 . When the body feels safe and at ease. or on a tape measure. How you feel about your body is part of your ongoing struggle to understand what it means to be a spiritual being and is closely connected to the fear of your own mortality . However. feeling. and with the world around you. with others. They are less anxious about the aging process. peace. it is able to let go and be more natural.” we are closing down our indefinite source of youthfulness and vigour and limiting ourselves voluntarily. or fight it. It is where you find meaning. haah. they embrace their aging bodies as the living stone on which the story of their lives is written on.

thin or fat. Gleeful exuberance that combines the outer youthfulness of a young person (strength. lessen the stress of “not fitting in” and recover your authentic “essence. vitality. You—and only you have the power to define who you are and what you will identify with. Some of the questions that can help you in that direction are: How best can I uphold my deep values with the body I have? How can I tell my body that I think it’s sexy just the way it is? (This is not about “If I had a perfect body or the body that I dream about. muscle tone. It starts with you making a decision to provide yourself the emotional and sensory information you were deprived and which would have helped you distinguish between what is inside and what is outside your identity. wisdom and with age is what we all secretly long for when we think about feeling sexy in a sexy body. You may not be able to reverse the aging process of your natural body. stamina. Young or old. Over-spiritualizing can sometimes cause you to be over impressed with the human mind and mechanical efforts to be spiritual and sexual—you will be missing the point! “Sexy” is something that your body was designed to achieve naturally . . Challenge the body image notions that society imposes on us.” but it doesn’t happen overnight or with simple will-power alone. but you will exude an inner as well as an outer physical presence that has character. along with sex appeal. mystery. short or tall. you can make your body naturally sexy.sexing the body flow which knows the body best..” but © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 79 . It is possible to escape the consumer culture and media pressure. Here’s how to sex up your body—for keeps: 1. You have to come to terms with knowing that who defines you is someone and something inside you and not outside you. flexibility and passion for life) with an inner eternal youthfulness that comes with confidence.

”) How can I help others love the bodies they have? Do not be afraid to express who you are and what you identify with even if it goes against what is being glamorized as the norm. Below are a few questions you can ask yourself to help you begin to see your body in a different light: If I am constantly trying to live up to someone else’s expectations. and sacred. It is about knowing deep inside you that you do not have to be classically beautiful by societal standards to be inexplicably “sexy. It’s the ability to see things realistically and objectively as they are and being “okay” with what is. Every time you receive or come across information weigh it against your personal definition of sexy. Rather. attractive. then feeling comfortable enough about this to invite others in. See if there is something that supports your personal definition.” But more than that. Become truly happy with something that is “unique” about you. Becoming truly happy with your body is not the same thing as denying or trying to rationalize the self-critical voices interrupting your view of yourself. ancient. etc). If nothing supports what you personally consider sexy. what does that say about me? If I changed all the parts of my body and replaced them with new ones every couple years. becoming truly happy with your body means adopting a nonjudgmental attitude toward yourself. it is about seeing your body with “new” eyes.sexing the body rather “I have a body that is waiting on me to ignite it with love. tall. toss the information away. learn from it and apply it. and magnificence. passion. at what point would those new parts switch from being “not me” to being “me”? Would I be the same person? If I’m not (fat. You know your body better than anyone else and you don’t need an equally insecure and unhappy person telling you how to feel secure and happy in your own body. seeing it as a reflection of something far more intelligent. wise. 2. then what am I and who am I? © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 80 . unattractive. skinny. short.

even those of us who don’t think we do. shapely legs. rounded butt. I am five foot seven now but when I was younger. you will find yourself reacting not according to what will “look good” to others. family. touch it and tell yourself how fabulous it looks and feels. full head of hair. I remember giving up my “academic” smarts. She’d turn up the stakes and ask which “most happy with” parts of myself I was willing to give up in exchange for another quality or characteristic. nip. only to discover that all of my memories and consciousness had been transplanted into the body of a movie star or model (who is a total dumb-ass. Everybody has their best features. all my peers were taller than I was. broad chest. work with what you have. And don’t forget to be kind and accepting of those “less than perfect” parts of your body. what sort of person would I be? Is there an “essence” to my identity which if it were taken away. body parts. For example. Instead of focusing on those parts of your body you are least happy about. Whether it’s your set of pearly whites. to look at your best feature. toned calves. There is a game I play with my three daughters that my mother played with me every time I complained about any body part I was not happy with. full lips. or a collection of bones that can be re-arranged in a “perfect” display. glowing skin. First my mother would ask me what I was most happy with about myself—character traits. whatever it is.sexing the body If I woke up one morning. Put your energy into making the most of what you’ve got. edgy nails. and other days © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 81 . I would cease to be? When you begin to see that your body is so much more than a bag of skin you can cut. immoral. curvaceous hips. etc). 3. or some other thing for a few inches of height. or the whole body in general. make an effort at least once a day. soft hands. and tuck. My mother would then help me reconstruct what I’d be like without those “most happy with” parts. prominent derriere. narcissistic. and so forth. Some days I was tall and dumb. but according to your deepest—and often unconscious—”essence” and sense of identity. I always wanted to be a few inches taller. come-hither eyes. Then she’d ask what I was least happy with.

Inhabiting your body is fundamental to your sense of well-being. I started to be more grateful to God for thinking of creating me just the way I was and giving me the family that I had. heart. The game helped me realize that I had the “perfect combination” of mind. etc. then don’t. Allow that awareness to travel around your body and find different places to settle down. Stay with each part and just allow yourself to feel the body’s sensations—heaviness. If it doesn’t want to move on (which is what will happen when you first start feeling your body).sexing the body I was tall and mean-spirited. warmth. two. tingling. colours. one. or tall without a family that loved me. and body sensations. body. The process would then become a mental exercise and not a body one. We should all have a continuous and conscious awareness of the space within our bodies as well as the physical space we occupy while sitting or standing. as well as shake my booty. As you become more grounded you will become more receptive. Stay with your breath. having a secure feeling of being in touch with reality and your personal feelings. or tall with no bum. The other effect it had on me is that I found myself working with what I already had and making the most of it. and so on. I wanted to be smarter. your feelings. Whatever combination we came up with was never “better” than what I already was. Trust your body to know when it’s time to move on. It paid off big time! I can see the positive outcome of playing this game with my own daughters and have seen and heard them play it with their friends too. three. images—in that part. twitching. Spend a few moments listening to your body and trying to understand what your body thinks and fears. Commit yourself to learning how to inhabit the space that is within your body. 4. You may even fall asleep. Do not try to time how long you stay with each body part by counting. don’t © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 82 . and connectedness. compassionate.

find a convenient place and give your lungs that much needed exercise. has seen that occasionally a cat or dog will do certain stretches and movements that appear necessary for its well-being. Anybody who has watched animals. and holistically without being aware of just how we know what we know. This is not because the cat or dog has read a book about what the best exercises are. We don’t yet fully understand the mechanism by which true intuition allows us to obtain information. To be able to live rich human lives we need to develop this inner knowing. Another exercise that helps with body awareness. Following the basic intuitive impulses of your body enables you to feel more related and connected to your body which in turn deepens clarity © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 83 . Sometimes humans connect to each other in ways that seem to defy the traditional five senses of sight. directly. If you feel like screaming at the top of your lungs. or directing the process in any way. This is the part of you that guides a large part of your voluntary actions. Start with increasing your awareness of the most basic intuitive impulses that you receive. They do the stretches instinctively.” or “gut feeling. can be found in the last section of Chapter Four. rationalizing. but with practice. with a little help from nature. taste.sexing the body beat yourself up about it. For example. Call it the “sixth sense. they just know. On the most basic level. Trust and allow your body and instinct to guide thought and to follow its bidding.” “inner knowing. stretch it.” we all seem to have the ability to know immediately. you can learn to increase your intuitive experiences by co-operating with your body’s awareness without analyzing. if your body wants to be stretched.” “intuition. by all means dance. sound. 5. your inner knowing is grounded in the core of your physical self. Keep trying until you feel that you are in your body and are occupying every part of it. Reconnect with your thinking feeling body. cats or dogs for example. and touch. and if it feels like dancing. smell.

to experiment. feelings. the more you are able to access the information you receive from the core of your self. anger.sexing the body and self-trust. 6. to fantasize. you have to allow a certain degree of vulnerability and surrender of self-control if you want to free yourself and your body. The more you trust yourself. It also means allowing yourself to dream. What does letting go mean to me? How do I feel about letting go? Why do I feel that I have to be in control? What emotions. Thinking deeply and honestly about these questions and the answers you come up with will help you relax in intimate situations and may put you in contact with areas of yourself you may not have met before as an adult. The following questions will help you get started on breaking free of the need to “maintain control” that does not make sense to the body. and so on. shame. or shame about my sexual nature and sexual desires make my body tighten up? What would happen if I were to let go? Are there other ways in my life in which I find it hard to let go? Why? Is there anything I am afraid will happen if I am not in control? © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 84 . and reactions come up when I think of letting go? What vague feelings of dissatisfaction. This includes letting go of any investment in holding on to fear. disillusionment. For many of us this means breaking free from our neurotic fear of the erotic and transcending the deeply embedded negative beliefs and counterproductive attitudes we hold. Let go and let your body be! Everything the body can do is potentially enjoyable and alive with possibilities. sense of well-being. self-consciousness. But for you to experience the limitless abilities and adaptabilities of your body. The process of separating intuition from wishful thinking or mind projection is something you develop over time as your intuitive abilities grow. even ecstasy. and to create your own sexual animal.

body. I personally find free-style dancing that allows the body to find its own spontaneous expression a fabulous way to express the most delightful facets of our inner-directed uniqueness. and build values and attitudes of respect and inclusiveness. analyze struggles of self-definition. sensitivity of soul. and fluid in our bodies (and you don’t have to stick with one to the exclusion of others). The dimensions of experience you can meet within yourself through dance are without limits. Add fluidity and elasticity to your body. 7. feelings. It is difficult to say what ex- © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 85 . and impulses into those areas of your body (and life) that bring you pleasure and delight. Here are some benefits of dance that make it an attractive and immediate avenue for getting in touch with the inner language of our bodies and essential selves. Dance is a ritual for self-exploration. relaxed. and only when you are able to be completely honest with yourself (and with others) about your sexual nature and sexual desires can you ignite the sexual fire that burns deep within you and flows through every part of your body.sexing the body What other little ways can I be less in control throughout the day? How do I feel about that? Only. You may even find exercising more fun and maintaining your ideal weight easier. young and old. and the eloquence of a dynamic body. It is only by entering the door of the “unknown and unknowable” with an openness of mind. There are many meditation exercises that are effective in helping us feel mobile. and soul that you will be able to direct the intensity of your true erotic yearnings. You may find yourself stimulating skin cell renewal and revitalizing body tissue. Ancient and indigenous cultures have for thousands of years used dance as a space for men and women. desires. to critically reflect on individual autonomy.

and your understanding of one another’s feelings and sense of self. Dancing can be a subtle and very powerful form of seduction in and of itself. Dance creates that connection that can happen between two people who are in sync with each other.sexing the body actly happens during dance. relaxed. vibrant. passion. poise. strength. graceful. drawing in and engaging another’s sexual energy in a very primal way. Good relationships can be strengthened and difficult ones healed as you learn to appreciate each other and each other’s bodies. When this sense of aliveness harmoniously mingles with the magic of music. Dance can help us develop the sensitivity and responsiveness that is necessary in intimate relationships. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 86 . But the real reason why dancing is an instant attractiveness booster is that the dancing body feels its senses totally engaged and communicates this expanded aliveness in every cell of the body. Through the expression of movement vocabulary. stamina. flexibility. and muscle tone upon the dancer. Dance is part of the broader non-verbal body language of sexual invitation and indication of availability. it will bring self-awareness and discipline to your sexual body and sexual urges and desires. but the profound feelings of release of judgment and of self-consciousness that you experience are noticeable. It is a form of unconscious training in generating sexual energy at will. Most people transform into amazing. content. you can discover (or enlarge) non-verbal communication. Good dancing skills bestow grace. sweet. Skilful dancing is an instant boost to your desirability and attractiveness to others. and a unique way of releasing your sexual energy to flow beyond the boundaries of individual physicality. it reveals a mysterious and hidden attractiveness. and seductive entities the moment they start to move to the sound of music. Whether the dance is fast or slow.

and spiritual balance. . inventiveness. and strength. making it easier to manage mental. You will no longer be driven by comparisons to others but by an attitude and lifestyle that fits with your own definition of magnificence. and resourcefulness. emotional. When you begin to see your body as intelligent. Rather than continually trying to move and challenge your body to look and perform to meet someone else’s standards. As you begin to enjoy your body as lusciousness and intoxicating. . As you learn to turn to your body for wisdom. wise. but by its creativity. physical. and body tensions.sexing the body Dance can serve to redress and restore mental. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 87 . Being able to move easily between states of consciousness and unconsciousness will bring you into an awareness of what was previously invisible within you. and sacred. you begin to feel “perfect” in your own right. emotional. you will want rapport with your body—your living. you will begin to treat it as believers treat their temples and shrines—as a place to be revered and preserved in all its intricate and mysterious magnificence . wise and sensuous collaborator and best life companion—until death do you part. intelligent. Your body is a symphony of vibrating strings and membranes that can contract and expand to give you a feeling of ease and fluidity in the body. You will no longer be driven by the need for perfection but by fascination with what the body knows and does intuitively. you will no longer be obsessed simply by how it looks. guidance. ancient. A body that is fluid and at ease allows you to move easily between states of consciousness and unconsciousness without hesitation or fear.

. We fail to connect emotionally because body language fluency is more than merely reading and decoding non-verbal cues or mastering impression-making strategies. everybody feels this way and expresses things this way. A single non-verbal message is difficult to accurately interpret in isolation because most messages have several possible meanings. angry. or tuned out. folded arms could mean someone is emotionally closed off. They don’t. gestures. defensive. my logic and language of emotions is universal. Nodding can mean the person is interested. tired. most of the time we really don’t understand each other’s logic and emotional language. The truth is that. No one expression or gesture has a precise social meaning . and even routine habits. bored. .CREATING THAT “WARM AND FUZZY” FEELING Everyone wants to know how to read body language and master the grammar of flirting and seduction. comfortable. or bored. Some everyday gestures used by both males and females may resemble those of flirting or seduction language though the person dis© 2007 Christine Akiteng page 88 . This ability opens up a new kind of “high” in flirting and seduction techniques. For example. head nods. in agreement. cold. We think that oh. or lost in trying to master particular patterns that we fail to connect with other people in a deep and emotional way. In addition. I t is quite easy to become preoccupied with decoding facial expressions. similar types of body language can have substantially different meanings in different contexts. It is no wonder that so many singles report confusion regarding what their date was really thinking or feeling.

We may not be able to filter out the biases created by our own mental and emotional states . Only extended interaction with people can clarify what emotion is being expressed by a particular body language.” and may or may not be accurately identifying the emotion behind the smile. Also. This comparison is rarely achievable until we get to spend more time with that person and observe their body language in different environments. though they may also express happiness. or relief from tension. we must be able to compare whether the person always acts this way (mannerisms) or whether the context dictated the use of that particular gesture because the person was flirting or engaged in seduction. can often cover a gamut of emotions. We can’t always identify the emotion and accurately interpret the meaning behind someone’s body language . but in body language we cannot ask someone to repeat him or herself when we don’t understand their body language. He or she must be happy.” and try again. anxiety. sarcasm. anger. which could be anything from happiness. Body language such as smiling. we can’t say “Just a minute. . coy glances. Even smiling. apology. if we catch ourselves using the “wrong” body language. When using words. But there is good chance © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 89 . tucking hair behind the ears. we ask for clarification. which we all recognize. and much more. may be ingrained personal habits more than flirting or seduction “come-ons. or an expression of a polite greeting. head-cocking. A single bodily expression or gesture can mean a variety of emotions. he or she is smiling.” To be true to body language interpretation. . gazeholding. narrowing the eyes. rapid eye blinks. contempt. This indefinite relationship between emotion and expression makes it difficult to know what emotion is being expressed by a particular body language. Much of what we read from body language is validly related to the emotions of the person expressing the body language. . sadness. We may look at a person and think “Oh. confusion.creating that “warm and fuzzy” feeling playing these expressions and gestures may not necessarily be engaging in flirting or seduction behaviour. . Tears may sometimes express sadness. self-touching. disbelief.

your gesture may be interpreted as provocation or harassment. or age group. Body language also has a lot to do with our mental and emotional states. we form a negative judgment about the person when in fact the emotion we have attributed to the facial expression or gesture may or may not have been what the sender intended. . You may display what you believe to be “positive” body language but if the other person is. but this may not be the case for people from African and some Asian cultures who prefer very brief eye contact—more when talking. steady eye contact in North America may be a sign that someone is honest. and feels comfortable and interested in you. social status. for example.creating that “warm and fuzzy” feeling that some of the emotions we read are a fabrication based on our own understanding of reality. in an aggressive or angry state. our perceptions. feigned or not. less when listening—as a sign of respect for a person’s authority. the variation seems to come from how much direct eye contact is consid- © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 90 . Given that we have a tendency to jump to conclusions about the demeanour. just as much as it has to do with the other person’s mental and emotional state. Quite often the sender is not aware that the message we received is incongruent with what he or she was trying to send. But refusal to make even brief eye contact is seen as a refusal to acknowledge the other person’s humanity or presence. . Looking directly into the eyes of someone who is not one’s peer or intimate partner is likely to be interpreted as a sign of social immaturity or shallowness. For example. our experiences. and Asian cultures seem to agree that unwavering or direct fixed stares are unsettling. African. Interestingly. and opinions which may have nothing to do with the other person’s reality or experiences. Depending on the situation and one’s cultural background. The way we use and interpret body language literally depends on where we come from . sincere. and actions of others we inevitably make many wrong assumptions. body language can be variously interpreted. expressions. The rest lies somewhere between these two extremes. North American. When we notice that our date’s facial expressions or gestures don’t fit our own understanding of the emotion we associate with such expressions or gestures.

Some people have extremely open body language patterns. When they are elated. the reality is that even between people of the same cultural background and/or family. professional backgrounds. or less. they mainly focus on the eyes and often take in the visual details of the individual in front of them.” They display more eye movement. educational. Nobody seems to really have a conclusive explanation for this cultural difference in eye behaviour. . both consciously and subconsciously . North Americans usually pay more (and longer) attention to the object in the forefront or centre but pay less attention to the background scene or surrounding areas. back and forth. This is often perceived as having “shifty eyes” by North Americans. etc. as well as body size.. cultural. Other research indicates that we tend to be more sensitive and more able to detect changes in the body language of people similar to our own social. etc. right and left. Body language can be manipulated and controlled. There are also cultural (and individual) differences in what (and how) we subconsciously choose to pay attention to. Outside research finding. we know it. When in conversation. Others have © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 91 . . and between the person in front of them and the background context or immediate environment. cultural.creating that “warm and fuzzy” feeling ered “confrontational” and whether the culture encourages or values more. age. People from African and some Asian cultures tend to spend more time studying the background and its relationship to the main object in an attempt to take in the scene as a “whole. Some researchers on eye behaviour attribute this to the fact that Africans and Asians are more socially and holistically inclined and therefore tend to pay more attention to a person not as a separate or disconnected part but rather as a vital part of the “whole” that includes all others. we know that too. aggressive tendencies. educational. gender. and professional backgrounds. When they’re angry. in a rudimentary way than the characteristics of members from one’s own group. and the point or points of fixation. you will always find variations in the interpretation of body language. These findings may reflect a broader tendency to process the characteristics of members of other social.

like depressed individuals tend to have abnormally slow movements of the body and speech patterns.creating that “warm and fuzzy” feeling learned to control their emotions and how those emotions are expressed through their body language—not just the face. in order to properly convey and connect with emotions through body language. how often have you pretended to listen attentively. Secondly. or look interested in something you’ve heard before. you must interpret body language signals as part of the overall system of communication. but the whole body. But I wish it was as simple as that. or be amused by something you hardly find amusing? It may look like “polite” manners or a display of patience and therefore not “harmful” at all. there are blends of various emotions that can appear and disappear © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 92 . It also means being conscious of the fact that simultaneous body language signals often reinforce each other. A person who knows that a hug indicates friendship can intentionally hug his or her worst enemy as a trick to put the person off-guard. very easily master the “honest trait” of looking directly into someone’s eyes and can fool anyone who is focused on just this one aspect of body language. Think about it. hand gestures. Skilled liars who know that people believe those who are lying can’t look you in the eye. And some of our emotional needs we are aware of and some we are not. They may move only their lips when talking and not use any other signals— facial expressions. ascertain the emotional needs of the other person and then consciously use the body language expression that is consistent with those needs. gaze direction. but it is manipulating body language and faking emotions all the same. To make matters even more complicated. within a group of emotional needs. Other people. They can vary greatly from person to person. So how can we use body language to create that emotional “warm and fuzzy” feeling? First of all. intuitive messages.—making it hard for you to tell if they are interested in you or not. as well as body language signals. etc. Emotional needs are “fuzzy” and a little difficult to pin down. And there is of course the manipulating body language and “faking” of emotions. This means paying attention to verbal messages.

). or he or she may say. empathy. you find out that your date’s emotional need at the time is for affection (of course it could change at any time). sincere. compassion. The other person may respond by saying. understanding. make sure your body language is showing affection. To increase the probability of making a strong emotional connection or enhancing a less strongly felt one: 1. Take care of as many emotional needs as possible… Some people wear their emotions on their faces and telegraph their feelings very powerfully. The more direct way is to ask a direct question like. And if the need is unconscious. intimacy. “What could someone do for you that would make you happiest?” Asking someone to dream about an ideal or aspired experience is often a good idea to get people to think about how they want to feel in their desired experiences. The more subtle way is to pay close attention to what the person is saying. etc. and actionable. what is your emotional need?” or “What do you long for and wish to gain by going out with me?” They will not tell you. “Not lie to me” (emotional need: safety. “Listen to me” (emotional need: appre- © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 93 . if not several. And the body language for compassion may not be the body language you’d use for empathy. emotional barriers. The body language expression for sensitivity will be slightly different from the body language for understanding. which in turn will tell you something about what is important to him or her as well as illuminate their more sensitive areas. Of course you cannot just ask someone. Affection in this sense may also sensitivity. If. Their answers are usually unbiased. So you have to be creative. for example.creating that “warm and fuzzy” feeling faster than one-fifth of a second and therefore cannot be easily observed in body language. trust. etc. “Tell me. they will not be able to tell you because they don’t know. but a majority of men and women have some. the more accurately you can connect with that person on a very basic emotional level. But the more specific you are in identifying the other person’s emotional needs.

But with this monkey-see. or reflecting their every facial expression or gesture (even negative ones). enjoyable experience for both of you. we feel they like us. With a little focus. etc. want to be like us. they think and feel the two of you are emotionally related. you can quickly undermine what you hoped to achieve if you are not genuinely interested in their feelings. If someone is doing what we’re doing. monkey-do dynamic. chances are you’ll be meeting his or her emotional needs as well your own emotional needs and you’ll both be feeling “warm and fuzzy” inside and outside. he or she is watching you. and their intentions. It communicates acceptance and openness to the other person which in turn puts him or her into a more at ease state. 2. safe. you’ll not be trying to entertain or intellectually stimulate someone when all he or she needs is to feel appreciated. Training yourself to mimic other people’s twitches and jiggles. meet all them. their thoughts.creating that “warm and fuzzy” feeling ciation. or even really be able to figure out which body language is consistent with which emotion. connection. It is like speaking to someone using their native emotional body language. their desires. you can then focus your creativity on creating the desired experience. Capturing the other person’s emotional flow or how he or she truly feels makes all the difference.). or secure. but if you can do your best. Speak his or her native emotional body language… The theory behind adjusting your body language to be in tune with the other person is that we like people who are like us. intimacy. Use expressions and gestures that evoke stronger emotional responses… The entire time you’re talking to someone. trying to figure out from your expressions and body lan- © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 94 . can be surprisingly simple. a man or woman. 3. creating a positive. or understand us more deeply. When that kind of synchrony occurs. With this in mind. Sure you’ll never be able to figure out all of a person’s emotional needs.

and can sabotage your efforts to create an emotional connection with someone. The present tense puts the listener inside the story. child’s voice. and so forth. anger. Imagine the story in your mind and describe what you see using body language that draws in the other person’s sensations and emotions. hand gestures to describe shapes and sizes. Use facial expressions to create moods such as happiness. and figures can be really dull and dry. he or she will be more engaged and will experience the story as if it were happening to him or her. simultaneous points-of-view when telling it to a woman. is one easy way to create that “emotional” or “warm and fuzzy” feeling. Be yourself and speak from your heart. right here. right now. sadness. etc. And oh! Abstract stories with lots of stats. doubt. numbers. but to you and the person listening—you are experiencing it together. what you are thinking about and what’s going on at any given moment. Tell your story in the present tense. Say © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 95 . making people lose respect for you. woman’s voice. As living beings we are naturally moved by what is living and repelled by inert things such as statistics and concepts. Your conscious awareness of the pressure slowly building inside you allows you to quickly sense when you are starting to sabotage yourself. roar of a lion or bear. Use this unrelenting scrutiny to your advantage. Telling a good story that is ideally dramatic and that sends nonverbal cues to attract and hold the attention of the listener emotionally. 4. and vary your voice. It also implies that the story does not belong to you alone. old person’s voice. and speed to create different characters— a man’s voice. pitch. If the other person can experience the story through as many senses as possible. empathy. and through multiple. Practice being conscious of your subconscious feelings and emotions… Faking emotions and showing the wrong emotion at the wrong time can cause discomfort in others. fright. Tell your story from a single point-of-view when telling it to a man. surprise. tone.creating that “warm and fuzzy” feeling guage.

© 2007 Christine Akiteng page 96 . vitally alive and creative. it is difficult to create that “emotional” or “warm and fuzzy” feeling when your body is restricted and tight and your voice caught somewhere in the middle of your throat. but when you shed your inhibitions and are no longer holding yourself back. you will not be aware you are tapping or drumming your fingers or that the “discomfort” you’re experiencing in your body is already being communicated to the other person and is causing him or her to become impatient or irritated. in “real time. you are on a date and for some reason you start feeling impatient or irritated. social. academic. You may be sensing that he or she is somehow irritated but still be totally unaware of the reason.” When you are more aware and mindful of your own emotions and how they play out. your body responds by tapping or drumming fingers. recent studies show that proficiency in the “language of emotions” is a skill that can be enhanced with practice. professional. Even though psychotherapy has shown that people who are most eloquent in the “language of emotions” are those who have learnt to speak this language at an early age. If you are not consciously engaged. you will not need to wait and see those emotion reflected back to you by someone else. loving and non-judgemental. and adult conditioning. When you are consciously aware of when you’re beginning to feel impatient or irritated you can take appropriate corrective action nearly instantaneously. Give yourself permission to shed your childhood. you are more expressive and free.creating that “warm and fuzzy” feeling for example. Basically. 5.

we communicate about three-fourths of all our nonverbal information this way. when used in conjunction with the eyes. even “test drive” in less than the three seconds (glimpse time) it takes to make a first impression—some of us have eyes that are so dull that we focus nonchalantly into another’s eyes the entire duration of a date and our eyes say very little or nothing at all. and excitement to an encounter and to a relationship. eye contact adds depth. The more you know about how to use facial expressions and eyes as a medium of communication. is a waste of a lot of time. There are at least two ways that we use the eyes in communication. simply pointing our eyes or gazing fixedly into someone else’s eyes thinking that if we make “good eye contact” or gaze hard enough and long enough. the more likely you are to find a loving. insist. adore. suggest. promise. rather it is how adept we are at using the eyes as a medium of communication. implore. it’s not the lack of steady eye contact but the inability to use the eyes to speak on our behalf that puts us at a distinct disadvantage. propose. In face-to-face contexts. It is not the quantity of eye contact that gets the chemistry surging and attraction happening. something will happen. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 97 . L ooking directly into the eyes of another person is a very powerful way of creating attraction. . perspective.MORE THAN WHAT MEETS THE EYE Facial expressions communicate about 50% of all our non-verbal messages. lasting partner. invite. . The first way of using the eyes is with the intention of seeing—just to look to see . For the majority of us. However. While some people can make very brief eye contact and say a zillion things—greet.

more than what meets the eye For simplicity. Eye contact is fundamental in indicating the level of interest and as a means of anticipating the next move. Three important things to remember when using eye contact in this manner: 1. Eye contact can also be a little more complex. merely looking to see or pick up a signal that says the other person sees that you are looking at him or her. are being coy. If the person does not make eye contact. . we will take it as a cue that he or she is not interested. read his or her other body language and attribute intentions to it. . and so on. for example. it doesn’t just happen . Recent research has found that people who are prone to high anxiety and those with social phobias tend to be more sensitive to signs of possible re© 2007 Christine Akiteng page 98 . This use of the eyes to see is a “receptive function. or disinterest before we approach or speak. People initiate eye contact because they want to. They are taking information in but not outputting anything. are likely to become aggressive. interest. It can be as simple as “looking into the eyes” of another.” Eye contact is not intended to send particular information to the other person but rather to figure out their interests and intentions— whether they’re interested in a conversation. from here on I will refer to looking with the intention of seeing as “eye contact. and nothing is seen in our own eyes. The eyes in this case have an intake function. when the two of you look at each other for more than a brief moment. You notice how the person is looking at you (whether his or her pupils expand or contract when looking at you). Both parties know the other has “seen” but nothing is inferred from their eyes.” Eye contact involves directing one’s eyes towards someone or something with the goal of getting visual information about it and from it. And then decide whether the reason they are looking at you needs feedback or action. it can lead both of you to think: “Is he or she nervous or shy?” “What does he or she want from me?” “Does he or she find me attractive?” etc. We will look at the other person to determine intent.

” As you become more comfortable with it. Try to see the “sexual” in you. or cold. you intuitively know those intriguing glimpses of the ”real” you behind the eyes may reveal some intimate information about you. or acting in a sexual way (enjoying the sexual side of life). Perhaps you even fear that if you were to look deeply into another person’s eyes. Being a sexual being is part of being human. We all are sexual beings. because of their deliberate attempt to avoid making eye contact. Like everyone else. Our self-perception. and beliefs about our own sexuality and other people’s sexuality can carry over and interfere with eye behaviour. lacking in confidence. Tell yourself the following: “Being sexual is natural. Take this feeling and look into the eyes of members of the opposite sex. look yourself in the eyes and see yourself seeing yourself. Do different poses and different eye gestures. I accept others as sexual beings.more than what meets the eye jection and as a result may find making eye contact with the opposite sex threatening. thoughts. you might begin to speak or even sexually act out in ways that are inappropriate. desires. they’ll be seen as lusting after or be seen as sexual (having sexual needs). practice gazing into your eyes. Using a mirror. you’ll be able to look directly into the eyes of someone of the opposite sex without even being conscious you’re doing it. These men and women may be perceived by the opposite sex as shy. colleagues. try this very interesting and very effective exercise that facilitates a new self-awareness tied to the conscious experience of fearlessness and love. If you are comfortable enough to do so.” Have fun with this until it feels completely natural and “okay” to be sexual. urges. We all are sexual beings. friends. You may feel that being seen into too deeply may reveal hidden sexual needs. I can be sexual without feeling embarrassed about it. and fantasies and you would be embarrassed. and even strangers. just look with the aim of “going in there” and seeing them as “normal. If you constantly find it hard to look people of the opposite sex in the eyes. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 99 . Gaze at yourself first in one eye for about a minute and then in the other eye. family. Don’t be too aggressive or intrusive. Some men and women feel awkward making eye contact because they fear that if they look at someone of the opposite sex. or your thoughts about the other person you’d rather they didn’t know.

or making lewd comments but using the eyes. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 100 . 2. to get to the bottom of your sexual beliefs and thoughts. low self-esteem. need for dominance or control (which is just another expression of low-self esteem). and sending a “distorted” gaze is sometimes much worse than sending no visual information at all . . Although some men deliberately stare at members of the opposite sex for particular reasons. Too much eye contact is as bad as too little. It is like talking too loudly. Sometimes men and women stare at someone of the opposite sex in order to catch their attention or to show interest. It is as offensive as verbal or physical attack. then you are looking at them in a way that is sexually objectifying and demeaning. leering. using vulgar language. most are too engrossed in their own “pleasure” to give a split second’s consideration to the other person’s feelings. or drooling. or is threatening. If you find people reacting angrily to your eye contact. If individuals of the opposite sex constantly get upset or angry when they catch you looking at them. Staring or ogling is anti-social. need for validation. not to mention downright creepy. and then work through problem areas. desperation. . unaware that they are actually making the other person uncomfortable. Both men and women tend to sense it when someone is looking at them too intently and violently. There is a subtle but critical difference between an appreciative glance and outright ogling. too close. Make a conscious decision to find some kind of balance so you don’t appear rude or intimidating. or if no one wants to look deeply into your eyes or open themselves up to be looked deeply into by you. Such men are unaware and rarely realize that whatever is racing in their minds is nakedly registered in their eyes and on their faces. This is why it is important to be real with yourself about your sexual self.more than what meets the eye tell your friends what you are doing and ask for feedback on how you are coming across. there is a very high chance your eye-contact is communicating neediness. Women especially suffer from these acts of leering visual rape.

with a downturn of the mouth. often sideways. Acknowledge the person with an “I’ve seen that you’ve seen me” smile. we see not just their eyes but who they are . It is as if you have looked into the eyes and something powerful but ineffable is revealed. A disinterested party will simply look away. a little more intently. Almost everyone who has been locked into a soulful gaze with another person has felt a gentle jolt of physical and spiritual awareness. It is so pro© 2007 Christine Akiteng page 101 . The new trend of three minute “speed gazing. and into the boundlessness of soul—the deepest of secret places. There are several things that can happen: one.” falls into this category of trying to increase intimacy too soon. . two. You somehow realize you are actually one and the same organism. or nod of the head. can stifle the possibility of a profound connection happening naturally . Prolonged eye contact done prematurely is sometimes like talking too much too soon or over-communicating with a stranger. beyond the boundaries of yourself. with inquisitiveness—“Is he or she saying (with his/her eyes) what I am seeing (with my eyes)?” When we look deeply into another’s eyes. instead of increasing physical attraction and intimacy. In this moment. time stands still in the vacuum of the gaze (or state of spiritual ecstasy). you feel you are the other person and the other person is you. your perception of the other person might be skewed if trust is entered into too soon. If the person is interested. and three. You lose awareness of the physical content of the visual experience as you are taken beyond all defences. . Many people who’ve experienced a deep level of connection with someone often report that they just happened (or felt compelled) to look at someone’s direction and their eyes locked. he or she will normally look again. the boundaries of the other. . Avoid reading more than is intended. or use some other body language indicating disinterest. the other person might perceive your eye behaviour as a desperate need for attention. .more than what meets the eye 3. The two of you merge into one. The most common mistake many people make is to use the eyes in a premature attempt to increase physical attraction and intimacy. you end up increasing stress or even end up pissing off the person. or eyebrow flash. along with all other living things. Eye contact that is too intense and too soon.

confusion. but you know it when you see it: they narrow. neediness. self-doubt. confusions. they caress. emotional wounds. The second way we use eyes in communication is with the intention of using our eyes to speak on our behalf . distrust. try not to look for anything in particular. In some people you might sense deep sadness.” using the eyes to communi- © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 102 . pain. Eyes that “speak” are hard to define.more than what meets the eye found an encounter that you remember it many days. jealousies. conflict. will eventually leak out and interfere with the power of your gaze and may even work against you. If you want to experience this level of connection. and they reflect the wonders of a wide world. inhibitions. even years after. While mere eye-contact says to the other person “I can see with my eyes that you are looking at me with your eyes. If you are trying too hard you’ll most likely see what you want to see rather than what is. insecurities. anger. . or fear. They contain more information and are semantically richer than the plain hauntingly vacant gaze on a plastic mannequin or frozen expressionless face. long-simmering resentments. Stay open and receptive to what comes to you. Most people notice a distinct difference in their perception of the other person when they shift their intention from trying to see to just seeing. The normal reaction of the logical/rational mind is to try and “understand’ or “explain” it.” which is what I hear from some of my clients who’ve attended structured eye-gazing seminars or parties. they play with desire. they twinkle mischievously. or failure. rejection. they deepen. good or steady eye contact does very little if you cannot “speak” or converse with the eyes as you do with words. shame. In the art of seduction. they glow with knowledge. . fears of inadequacy. memories of painful humiliations. judgmental attitude. This is not something that you just walk away from with an “oh! that felt amazing. assuming the person is your soul mate or seeking out certain traits you’re hoping to find. Any negativity in the form of an intention to manipulate. control. for example. lewdness.

It has more to do with being able to understand what the other person is saying with their eyes and to answer back in an emotion-evoking manner with just eye gestures and expressions. When we meet someone who we think (wish. eyebrow movement. And when we smile. Some of us can somehow “feel” the difference on a sub-conscious level but a good number of us are such bad judges of character (or just too desperate). The single most potent and perhaps the most provocative eye language is the smile . hope. one fake and the other genuine. and whether a person is being truthful or not). we bare our teeth in a deliberate attempt to mislead the person into thinking we’re relaxed. It’s really amazing what you can say without even opening your mouth. pray) is the “one.” we get nervous and subconsciously hold our breath—either in or out. . happy. There are two main kinds of smiles. It says.more than what meets the eye cate says much more. . but rather we are looking through their eyes both as senders and receivers of very personal information—thoughts of the mind and intents of the heart. eyelid movement. we get taken advantage of quite easily. Speaking or communicating with eyes is more complex than interpreting the meanings of non-verbal communications or learning how to be a “mind reader” or “lie detective” (what a rightward or upward glance or eyebrow flash means. and enjoying ourselves. “I see that you see that I see that you see that I see you. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 103 . Most of us would agree that we have sometimes been too serious and perhaps too focused on looking for that special person. along with neighbouring muscle movement that creates facial expressions. pupil direction. This involves eye movements and facial expressions—pupil dilation. What we see can have quite a remarkable transformative effect on how we look at the person and even their level of attractiveness. One of the main reasons why people go out but still don’t attract someone of the opposite sex is because they do not smile enough. that when it comes to the opposite sex.” We are not peering at the other person’s eyes merely as physical objects of beauty.

In most people you’ll notice a twinkle or what looks like a feeling of “amusement” or somewhat “mischievous” expression in their eyes. and when we are happy we smile. A felt smile instils a feeling of “wellbeing” and connectedness that is infectious. This smile produces a softening effect on the face and transmits a generous and warm nature.” And while a fake smile can be switched on and off at lightning speed. The genuine or “felt” smile is hard to produce on demand because it depends on and is controlled by emotion. “I am unhappy but cannot show you that I am unhappy. If you remember anything else. remember this: the cheesier the smile. “I like you and I want to share my good mood with you. It begins with a slight widening feeling in the eyelid area just before the corners of the mouth and cheeks. the faker it is. it is extremely hard to pretend you’re happy when you’re not. it sub-consciously conveys to the other person that there is “something” about you that you are trying to hide. It’s as if we are saying. You can tell a smile is forced when eye muscles barely move and the area around the eyes tends to be less crinkled (uhhmm. The lip corners stretch sideward with little upward curl that makes the person appear overly relaxed but not really happy.” © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 104 . wrinkles may not be a bad thing after all) making the eyes appear dull and expressionless. so I will pretend it’s a smile. What’s even more fascinating is that researchers have found that the slight pouching under the eyes that comes with a “felt” smile is incredibly difficult to fake unless you are truly happy. and what’s being hidden. and works itself into “happy lines” that can extend across the face including the forehead. When you fake a smile.more than what meets the eye The smile intended to mask true feelings or manipulate others is also easy to fake and easy to spot. It is as if we are saying. As it turns out. Trying to look happier or more comfortable than we really are betrays our smile far more effectively than a heavy frown. We smile because we feel good and we feel good because we are happy. Often times it creates a feeling of unease in the other person as he or she tries to understand what’s really being communicated or intended. and the more we smile the more we feel good. a “felt” smile can last long after the other person has left.

more than what meets the eye

To teach yourself to smile with more expression in your eyes, try to imagine something really funny, or think of someone or something that makes you happy. Don’t be afraid to laugh a bit while doing so, this will relax you from the inside out. The happier and more relaxed you are, the more genuine your smile will be. A real, genuine smile is worth a zillion words. But this is only a great start, overall, you need to feel your life is important, significant, unique, and special, in order for you to be able to feel natural happiness and for your smile to constantly carry that “twinkle” we value so much. This doesn’t mean you will never ever experience sadness in your life again, but that even when you do experience it, you do so in a healthy way.
Eyebrows give vividness and energy to our spoken words, adding intensity and depth . . .

Eyebrows and eyelids are what make a face interesting. Make-up artists and cosmetic surgeons have long realized the influence of eyebrows and eyelids on attractiveness and how others respond to these visual triggers. People with natural smooth-flowing eyebrows are considered friendly and inviting, while those with hard, bushy, or artificial-looking eyebrows give the impression that they are cold, indifferent, and unapproachable. But the importance of eyebrows goes far beyond merely looking “good.” Very often, communication begins with a split-second mutual eyebrow flash as a way of acknowledging each other. We may not know we are doing it, but the other person notices it or even feels it at a subconscious level. During the course of the interaction, eyelids and eyebrows can be pulled upwards, downwards, and inwards, and can be combined with other eye positions and movements to send an endless number of messages. Raising both the inner and the outer part of the eyebrows is a very powerful way of accentuating particular words, stressing a particular part of a sentence, filling pauses, asking salient questions, and conveying a whole range of emotions including happiness, admiration, scorn, anger, fear, ter-

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more than what meets the eye
ror, joy, sadness, surprise, excitement, worry, and dismay. A small change in the arrangement of the speaker’s or listener’s eyelids and eyebrows can dramatically alter the emotion being conveyed by the conversation. These kinds of changes are understood universally. It is not surprising that cartoonists recognize and can exploit the power of the eyebrows in simple and rudimentary line drawings. Since we can communicate by verbal and non-verbal signals simultaneous, we can decide to use the two modalities sequentially, or simultaneously. Words combined with the use of eyelids, eyebrows, and other areas of the face add to the quality of our emotional intensity and sexual attractiveness. For example to accentuate or add a sense of action and “passion” to what you are saying (“But,” “Please!” “No!” or “I don’t know”), raise both eyebrows instead of one. Squeeze the eyebrows together for a dramatic hesitation pause (“I am thinking” or “I am trying to remember”); and raise one eyebrow to ask a question. This has even more sex appeal when a question is not verbalized. The more profoundly you seem to be feeling the words that are coming out of your mouth, the more effective eye language becomes and the more appealing you look. The ability to increase emotional intensity using eye language can, if handled properly, be carried over into other skills that are useful at the workplace and other environments.
Attraction increases when the other person notices a likeness or similarity in his or her eye behaviour with our own eye behaviour . . .

Someone who synchronizes his or her eye behaviour with that of the opposite sex will achieve success faster and more frequently than the one who is busy trying to make the other person establish “good” or “steady” eye contact. When your eye behaviour matches the other person’s, he or she will subconsciously come to believe the two of you are participating in a joint-activity towards the same goal. Eye-synchronization is not just about “mirror-versions,” but about rhythm as well, something akin to a courtship “dance.” Since the art of seduction is not a job interview where you have to “impress” the interviewer with “good eye contact,” make an effort to match
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the other person’s eye behaviour. We do it all the time. In meetings, we look at a speaker and follow their eyes, then look at a clock or watch. We may do this several times before the speaker starts following our eye movement and realizes we’re saying with our eyes “it is past time already!” Start by noticing the person’s eye behaviour. A man or woman’s eye behaviour can vary from something as simple as intervals between eye blinks (blink patterns), rolling of the eyes, nod timing, eyebrow movement, looking at objects intently as if seeking information of a special kind, staring in space, moving the eyes from right to left when visualizing a word, or closing the eyes to attend to some “inner thought.” Try to match the eye movement pattern and emotional behaviour for a few minutes and then break it off. After a while try it again, until it feels natural to you or at least until you are no longer thinking about it. When you first start, you will feel a little uneasy because you will be cognisant of your actions. The secret is to be flexible and subtle enough. Once you’ve caught the person’s attention, quickly direct his or her attention to something or someone you want him or her to consider, with a glance that says—“I am referring to something in that place I want you to pay attention to”; or “That’s funny,” “I love that,” “Do you want some?” “I knew it!” After a few practices of doing this and getting it right, you’ll start to share experiences without a word being spoken between the two of you. You’ll find that most of the time the two of you are on the same wavelength and the same things seem momentous, funny, and meaningful to both of you at the same time. Keep in mind that intentionality is particularly clear when it is in nonverbal form.
Eyes that can “do dreamy” as well as show “a ticking mind at work” hold a certain allure that is intriguing and absorbing . . .

One of the grievances I get from my clients is that however much they try, they can’t do the “mysteriously seductive” gaze.

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you’ll see that the gaze is not meant to hide anything at all. This push-pull dynamic between what is revealed and concealed forces the mind to scan for visual messages it normally would not. lower your head downwards and look through the eyelashes. look back and then look away again and smile. To further enhance your look. If anything. A gaze that locks the mind into trying to figure out what is hidden and not being shown by the eyes can be difficult to look away from. Here is the catch.” but never at the same time. For example. etc. The mind seems to automatically sense there is something in the eyes that is both revealed and concealed at the same time. The message should be an accurate and truthful communication about you. The other person gets the sense that something compelling is happening. For example.” or “I am an adventurous spirit who promises comfortable pleasure. look and then quickly look away. The real mystery of the “mysteriously seductive” gaze is that when you look past the initial mysteriousness. turn your body away from the person and give them an over the shoulder glance. adventure. and excitement beyond anything you can ever imagine. The limited time provided to indulge in the gaze intensifies the incomprehensibility. gaze broodingly with a certain amusement behind the eyes. “Come play with me. the eyes reveal what the mind is overlooking. but the eyes are presented with many other diverse body language signals that the mind is locked and typically asks for more information in a frantic effort to “find out’. When the eyes do not give away all our intentions. but it does not know what it is. A further absorbing and downright fun element is set in play when your smile comes before or after the start of a “look. If you are trying to be who © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 108 . simply combine it with a message that you want to send about yourself.” “push-pull” effect.” and so on. I am willing to be wooed and well worth the effort. To create that “reveal and conceal. use the eyes in such a way that your eye gestures somewhat “conflict” with your other body language.more than what meets the eye Our minds are constantly making mental notes and trying to make “sense” of what we see. tension is heightened and some “mystery” is added to the interpretation of what is revealed and what is concealed. you might want to send the message that says. The look and look away gaze is very powerful.

In this context. you will fight © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 109 . and return “a killer’s look. right. the “look of the beast. low self-esteem.” think again.” The eyes can be used to create attraction.” This is the look of the charismatic psychopath—the soulless marauder without empathy. just as they can be used to manipulate the gullible to a degree that defies imagination .g.more than what meets the eye you are not. into your deepest part. hopelessness. dominate. devoid of conscience or remorse. Try this: go deep inside yourself. stress. The predator’s gaze is intent on fooling the eye and drawing its attention outward. merge with the lion/lioness within or go in the way of the warrior). lewdness. left. If you find yourself under the steely stare of a psychopathic predator. depression. If you’ve ever felt that “on the prowl” unflinching stare with a steely edge. When you are attacked by a lion. Feel something alive and breathing in you. This is the look that sees others merely as prey or objects. the other person will only see eye gestures that are inconsistent with other body language and figure out that you are “lying. lust. living a mere shadow of an emotional life. rejection. I can’t do a killer’s look. which is best if you feel threatened by their behaviour. fear. .” Before you go “Bow-wow-wow. you have two choices. humiliate. frustration. with no consideration for their feelings. eye contact is an instrument of objectification as well as psychological and mind control. then you’ve felt the predator’s gaze. something unknown yet stronger and fearless (as my people say. and destroy. self-pity.). children are encouraged to counter the level of stress created by a predator’s gaze with a more intense stare of their own. need to degrade. . anger. desperation. Most people when looked at this way experience a powerful urge to look away. backwards—just to avoid eye contact at all costs. The results are amazing. In the culture I was raised in. down. or as Africans put it. but able to mimic the outward manifestation of emotions on demand. The other option is to meet or challenge the person’s stare and try to make them look away first. I have no “evil” in me. etc. you can either look somewhere other than their direction—up. something not surrounded by the fog of ego preoccupations and entanglements (e. The predator’s look reeks with neediness. sadness.

When suddenly seen in this deep way. predators find themselves exposed and the predatorvictim connection is broken. a process that develops over a period of time . Using the eyes to seduce another person is. It’s a bit scary!” © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 110 . “I was instantly flooded with pure affection and gratitude. .more than what meets the eye for your life whether you have evil inside you or not. I was amazed. of necessity. Using the eyes to converse fluently takes practice. one of my clients who’d struggled with using the eyes said to me. but doing so with awareness speeds up the process. This lasted during the whole encounter. . Experiencing the power of eyeconversation for the first time. What happened? This is new. Countering a predator’s “on the prowl” unflinching steely gaze requires a lot of strength on your part that comes from “knowing” yourself in an intimate way and involves being able to call on the strength of your spiritself (egoless self) in an instant.

even before you know what the result exactly will be. first date). work among machines. of one who is en© 2007 Christine Akiteng page 111 . put in your time. This is how I got there: First. I can’t help feeling that too many people these days treat dating like the dreaded interview. and relationships like a dead-end job where you show up. go home. there is the interview (sorry. It’s like a full time job. There is all this nervous energy and panicky attempts not to miss the opportunity to “talk” or say something “smart” that impresses the other person. Each person is thinking of the next witty thing he or she is going to say while waiting for the other person to breathe so they can jump in and say it. Y ou have probably heard—“This relationships business is hard work.CHANGE HOW YOU SAY IT. of concentration. and even before you know whether he or she will like you or not. or by offering advice. Each person wears a single look. even before you know whether it will be good or not. When one person mentions experiencing a problem—personal or professional—the other person responds by either sharing a similar problem or experience of their own. CHANGE THE CHEMISTRY The Art of Conversation is something to treasure and cherish especially if you can allow yourself to become totally involved and lost in the moment itself. Everyone is eager to impress the other person.” In many ways. and wait for a “pay raise” (translation—miracle) to nudge you from your dead-beat slumber. but after a few years of working with single men and women. Verbal exchanges progress in a linear logical fashion moving from information already stated to information about to be given. it’s true that finding a partner is like finding a job.

It is not uncommon for me to hear comments like these from my clients and friends: “Most definitely one of the most excruciatingly boring dates I’ve ever had.” “I was so bored I had to leave. Well. Sometimes men and women are so driven to find out “what we have in common” that the date becomes a senseless. probing. The men on the other hand are so anxious to show they are “intelligent” and in step with the latest sociological stats and “alpha male” techniques. In order to maintain this precarious social front. In the end. “just the facts.” “In a fit of boredom. the anxiety in male-female interactions is further heightened by “political correctness.change how you say it. maybe occasionally.” “Within the first 30 minutes I’d heard everything about his boring life. boring.” “It was pathetic. I ordered a drink I didn’t even need. both sides succeed in coming across as dry. body movements controlled.” “The next 30 minutes. and predictable. There is nothing exciting and nothing that is really countdown worthy. sir/ma’am” repartee. change the chemistry gaged in a difficult. all emotion is suppressed. In North America. and voices stifled. Before long we have a shout© 2007 Christine Akiteng page 112 . we spent talking about some boring stats. Both sides start yelling out “anything” or “whatever it takes” to “attack” the other person’s positions while “defending” their own.” “Who teaches these men how to bore a woman?” The common complaint by both men and women is that there is little or no surprise element in today’s interactions. It’s like reading an encyclopaedia—useful and informative—but emotionally lifeless. at least emotionally.” Women are so anxious to lay down the “rules” and to make sure a man follows those “rules” to a tee. precarious task. cool reason comes in contact with the volcanic emissions of emotional hang-ups and things literally erupt. what a waste of valuable time.” “I will just chalk today up as a completely worthless day.” “She didn’t even realize she’d told me the same damn story twenty times already.

For example. So even though two people spend much of their time together.” or “sharing our feelings. We usually fumble and lose our way in the web of verbalizing our emotions—“naming emotions. Everyone—no exceptions— responds to emotions and feelings (quite well I must add). .change how you say it. arguments. Interactions that are devoid of emotion go beyond being “not fun. . but rather how we experience and communicate feelings. emotional vitality. and inner warmth based on authentic impulses. change the chemistry ing match rather than a reasoned discussion.” Giving an emotion a “word” or “name” can help you quickly disconnect from uncomfortable emotions and feelings. but “emotion words” can sometimes hold us back and alter how others experience us . It is great that we can talk about emotions. .” “talking about feelings. and proofs. how much we know or how much we are able to “download” onto the other person. and therefore never know each other completely. this is probably the closest it ever gets to an “emotional” bond. For many. Instead of really experiencing the emotion (and feeling) from moment to moment and really being present with it. we verbalize it—give it a “word” or “name. they never directly share each other’s authentic self. Let me put it in another way: people don’t fall in love with factual discussions. We are so paralyzed internally by the pervasive anxiety of putting the “right” front that our interactions with the opposite sex have become mere routines of tolerance or senseless battles of wills rather than of gentle attentiveness. they fall in love because of emotions and then they justify their decision with facts and proofs. you can say “I © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 113 . The setback with this is that sometimes we are conditioned by the words themselves.” We are brought up with a code that says we have to put our emotions into words and that verbalizing emotions involves talking about problems. The key to creating an emotional bond is not about what we know.” they impact our ability to create an emotional bond with someone . . even when they aren’t apparent.

not just the expression of emotions . and safely move through them—good for you. for example. “emotions” are useless if they are just words spoken by one person to another and not something felt together—for together. It really bothers me when I’m in an environment where people are encouraged to talk about their feelings and share their emotions as if feelings and emotions are separate from the individual.” which often means “I feel con© 2007 Christine Akiteng page 114 .” you can easily. Of course it is possible to send emotions via words alone. Our intentions for “sharing feelings” should not be about “savouring” or “releasing” emotions for our own benefit. “Tell us how you feel?” they might respond by saying “I-am-here” or “I-am-just-here. But when you are trying to “transfer” emotional information to another person such as “I am excited/ecstatic” or “I am enjoying your company.” but without necessarily having to feel the emotion in the present as it is happening. . they choose to believe “real-time” emotions and they can feel it when we do not really “go into the emotions. When you are trying to connect with another person. By giving those emotions “words” or “names. learn this. but about generously “sharing ourselves” with another person. If for example you ask a man or woman in the village. relearn . .change how you say it. Communicating the emotions that are happening in us moment to moment is an art we must learn—and for some of us. If you can learn one thing from this book. . the “sharing of each other” is a real-time emotion/feeling that can be called “I-am-here. In indigenous African cultures. change the chemistry am really angry/sad/jealous.” This is the emotion that people cause us to feel merely by their presence. . We do it when we are writing. but the knowing is there. But when someone can see or hear us. moment to moment. We cannot share feelings apart from sharing ourselves because our feelings are who we are. sharing feelings is the sharing of self. freely. and really being present with it.” They may not be consciously aware of why they enjoy some encounters and not enjoy others. And we can all agree that some of our greatest joys have come from deeply “knowing” another person rather than just their expressed emotions and feelings.” just doesn’t cut it if you are not really experiencing the emotion (and feeling).

Your voice tells others about your special way of being. Just by changing the volume. allowing them to know you by your voice. with the universe.” “loneliness. even if what you are saying is truly fascinating or exceptionally amusing. and reassuring . provide others with a lot of cues about who you are. intonation. quicken the pace to show delight. We do have words for when this emotion is absent—“lonely. etc. for example.” This means “I-am-here” is not just something one feels.” Could it be that we have not learned to feel “I-amhere”? If you want people to trust you.change how you say it. I will explain this in depth in Chapter 13. it’s also something one hears. I’ve sometimes wondered if this one of the reasons why so many of us report feeling “lonely in a crowd. . lower the volume for an aside. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 115 . or pace—or a kind of mournful whining style of speaking—gives away an inner nature that is tedious and unexciting. believe in you.” What makes the “I-am-here” emotion more interesting is that most African indigenous languages have the same word for “feeling” and “hearing. and even the pauses that you use. engaging. An utterly monotonous tone of voice with little variation in pitch. make your voice more expressive. vibrant. Apparently there is no specific word in English to describe this most basic. The human voice is rich in meaning and emotion. and be attracted to you.. warm. emphasis. but surprisingly.” “lonesomeness. or humour.” or “Is-ness. drift off into a whisper to demonstrate empathy or trust. no word for the continuous flow of feeling one receives from the person who brings those emotions by their presence. break the voice appropriately to show surprise or doubt. raise volume gradually as you build toward a point. including voice tone and pitch.” etc. go gritty to express disgust. soothing. Vary your voice to support the emotion you are expressing.” whatever you chose to call it. slow the pace to emphasize certain ideas. change the chemistry nected/tuned in/in synchrony with you. your voice can become highly dynamic and expressive.” “Be-ing. and most important emotion of “I-am-here”—“Here-ness. pause when you’re about to transition to another idea to give the listener time to absorb the message. Sounds. . and with myself. end questions on a higher note. excitement. inflection. pitch.

” For women. not you trying to be someone else. change the chemistry An expressive voice that carries emotion and transports the other person to a world he or she only dreams about has a more enduring impact than whispering in husky voice tones or other equally pathetic attempts by men to convey “sexiness. . If you want the other person to feel your sensitivity. or want to happen. This might explain why our interactions with the opposite sex often go so badly. You will tend to talk mostly about yourself. and self-realized. like. Usually we’re wrong. take more interest in understanding where he or she is coming from rather than trying to achieve agreement or to change his or her mind . “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. rather than “sexy” and “cool. and the likes that have us believing we’ve figured it all out. One of the biggest mistakes we make in seduction communication is that we approach a man or woman thinking we’re not only right in our views. you also will be prone to mixing up facts with feelings. you will tend to be more concerned with being right and making sure the other person agrees with you or changes their mind to agree with what you think. People want to hear your voice because it is you.” we know everything about men-women communication. and outlook on life. When you approach seduction thinking you already “know” or can accurately predict the other person’s behaviour. explanations. smart.” Most men only manage to come across as lazy or bored. and understood. but more than that. And we think that because we’ve read the book. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 116 . and stability in the relationship. cooperation. or say. beliefs. and feelings with intentions. The most important thing to remember is that your voice is uniquely you—being yourself is vital. shifting and changing voice qualities goes beyond the “fragile” cat-like Marilyn Monroe vocal variety that does not really befit today’s Ms. . Independent— strong.change how you say it. We’ve developed theories. creepy and scary. but that we also know for sure what all men or all women think. reasons. do. believe. the greater the emotional bond. listened to. The more each person feels heard.

goals. reality. try to contemplate their internal world to their scale and in their image and senses. . I’ve © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 117 . And since you’re caught by surprise. you don’t. and expectations are the same as your own. Drawing in. preferences. draw him or her in to co-create and fill in the blanks . stupid. the other person may say something you disagree with about a topic that matters a great deal to you. “What was that like?” or “How did that make you feel?” etc. then you know what I am talking about. well . Personally. but later on seem. seeking co-operation. . So listen very carefully. accept that you don’t know what the other person’s motivations are. Instead of projecting your own feelings and ideas onto the other person. Ask. or so you tell yourself. But the reality is that your mind puts a guard up and goes into the fight or flight mode. . a flow of mutual respect. This way of communicating is so engaging that the other person may not even realize the entire dialogue has been about him or her. Without asking. And instead of assuming that the other person’s experience. You may try really hard to control and hold your feelings and emotions. only for them to tumble out as sarcastic remarks or cheap shots. chances are. If you’ve ever said or done things that make perfect sense in the moment. what they like—it shows them you have taken an interest in them and they in turn will take more interest in you. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up—the hairs you can handle. be interested in the person in front of you—what they do. what they say. If you want to motivate a person to be fully engrossed in the process. . you’ll never know. and a willingness to learn about the other person’s point of view. change the chemistry For instance. because.change how you say it. Any success you might achieve in bonding with another person will eventually appear shallow if it does not include open-mindedness. desires. and co-creating a mutual experience is crucial for seduction to be pleasurable for both parties. you’re forced to conduct an extraordinarily complex communication crisis in real time—no books and no coaches to pump you full of nifty ideas.

“Not everything in the story is true/false. never looking back.” and the people softly respond.” She begins to tell the story. The audience responds to her in kind. and a sense of challenge. A few minutes into the story she pauses and artfully whispers. “Not everything in the story is false. It’s like playing “hardball” where the one who is doing the talking just keeps on running. change the chemistry found that two-way “call-and-response” creative communication can enhance the experience for all. and mystery. non-verbally. “Not everything in the story is true. and other times she stands up and shouts out loud. She is able to create a special atmosphere that increases curiosity.” Next she says. “Not everything in the story is true. either.” They say. or through dance. To illustrate to participants in my workshops what this entails. She allows the story to dwell upon things that are intrinsically implied so the mind has time to impregnate itself with a sense of expectation.” © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 118 . I always like to give the example of a traveling African storyteller. reason. the audience becomes a co-creator of the art.” Again the people say. The storyteller sits in the center of the village and says. resulting in great memories. This is in deep contrast to our daily matter-of-fact one-person-rants that are heavy on unnecessary detail and rather flat on response. “Right. She arouses her audience to a certain point with provocative glimpses as well as the enticement of secretly hidden information. either. suspense.change how you say it. How many times have you walked away from a date thinking. In this way. “Call-and-response” communication is a spontaneous verbal and nonverbal creative interactive style in which a speaker deliberately elicits spontaneous interjections from the listener in an ongoing interaction. “Right. and intuition. “I’m going to tell you a story. “Not everything in the story is false.” and the people say. She also negotiates with the listeners to seek out more from the union of sensation.” Enthusiastic engagement continues throughout the telling of the story. Sometimes she whispers. “Right.” other times she sings. “Wow! That was the bomb!” only for you to call the next day and hear the person say there was “no spark. musically. beauty.” But then the storyteller says. Calls or responses can be expressed verbally.

change how you say it. or antagonistic. handle me with care. I’d simply say. one of my favourite phrases was.” or “This is different!” In my dating days. and authentic interaction where anything can (and should) happen.” After three of four times. emotional. The best “suggestive spaces” are simple and do not require a lot of thinking and planning. “This is a fresh viewpoint. One way to do this is by bringing to the conversation some kind of “suggestive spaces”. Don’t settle for other people’s commonly overused phrases. and that invite and encourage participation without dictating it. spaces that can be filled in by the listener in a number of ways. . There has to be some kind of dynamic.” This is an interesting way of provoking thought and.” We’d be deeply engrossed in conversation about some hardships in our lives or something equally absorbing and to break the mood. change the chemistry If you want to make sure the other person’s emotional experience is not different from yours. draw him or her to become fully engrossed in the shower of mutual sparks . a catchy phrase or tongue-in-cheek witticism. moving hearts. . Their decision to participate in the seduction process is based on choice and will.” or “This is an extraordinary way to look at the world. instead seek to be extraordinary. “Life is fragile. handle me with care. something that someone will hear and think. They are intrinsically motivated to “play” along by the rewards of intellectual. Unlike the kind of seduction that aims to strike a devastating disconnection between the seducer and the seducee.” Interestingly many of the guys always remembered this about me and many of them “handled me with care. hopefully. physical. “Life is fragile. or sensory stimulation. Make your own phrases in your own original words—something unique. all I would have to say is “Life is fragile…” and the guys would join in “handle me with care. timely. distrustful. psychological. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 119 . It can be anything as simple as a trivia question. not on manipulation and control. this way of seducing liberates the seducee once he or she realizes there is no pressure and no need to become suspicious.

The secret is to show the other person that you are different and interesting by balancing apparent planned cleverness with playfulness. unpredictability. unexpectedness. it’s just another “Yeah-yeah-right. and be pleasantly surprised (It can’t be true. actively wants to make “rational sense” of everything. U nusualness. How did I not see it coming?). next. amused.TURNING UP THE HEAT The ability to hold. and in-your-bones delight and sense of enchantment. is an integral part of our human nature. and intrigue—these are the qualities that give the art of seduction that dark. A majority of us still don’t enjoy the company of someone who isn’t creative and spontaneous. mysterious. fascinated. I can’t believe it happened. and © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 120 . The brain by its very nature. And whomever you decide to share yourself with will be the richer.” We get easily bored and disengage. figure out a logical course (I think it’s going to happen like this). If the human mind is not challenged. or isn’t much of “a challenge. tease. You can’t do that if you’re spending too much time explaining to them what they already know. and intrigue another person’s mind ecstatically opens you up to the possibilities of new and previously unimagined grace and charm. and the challenging. As children we didn’t enjoy playing hide-andseek with those who hid in plain sight. . and anticipating . . it wants to know (Is something going to happen?).” Our fascination with the unusual. suspense. People love those who can artfully string them along and keep them entertained. Without it. it won’t be bothered. the unpredictable.

There are people with an adventurous temperament who wake up each day excited by what the unknown will bring them. but rather leaving something unsaid or undone at the most tempting moment. Whether it is the journey or the end. But keep in mind that different people have varying levels of tolerance for suspense and the unpredictable. Every lingering look. hold something back. The catch is that you have to be genuinely interesting. “If I tell you my name. sights. every expression. explore and maximize the use of the moment —no matter how fleeting . and call it a day. and pleasurable. Use words that have a wider range of possible meanings. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 121 . . sounds. The point is to sustain a concentrated tension that keeps him or her on edge as you move toward the “climax” or resolution. They enjoy a certain amount of uncertainty and find inspiration and delight in pretty much everywhere and in everything. and allow fresh meanings to emerge in the process. They say “time flies when you’re having fun. That way you are not just throwing in cheap tricks or memorized scripts like most players often do. Even something as simple as the answer to the question “What is your name?” can become creatively dramatic if. tastes. you say something like. he or she will see it as valuable. and even annoyed. The real art of seduction is not about saying and doing the “right” thing in the right place. challenging. Feed it to him or her slowly. unexpected. instead of blurting out your name. and depth of feeling. smells. every body move you make should make him or her wonder what makes you tick and what’s going on in your “sexy” head. will you marry me?. and texture.turning up the heat sometimes plain old silliness. the experience has to be unusual. experiment a bit with gestures and involve all of his/her senses by describing physical feelings and emotions. unpredictable. . and pleasurable in some way. subtlety. challenging.” or “Promise I will not regret this?” or “What would you like it to be?” Probe emotions. and believable. unpredictable. Don’t give everything away at once. frustrated. They just don’t like to be kept in perpetual expectation and will get nervous. dwell on them. trustworthy. As long as the other person feels the experience is unusual. And then there are those who would rather wake up.” so don’t hurry. call up the psychic network. You also must have a sense of humour.

sound. Poised between the yet unrealized pleasure and a fait accompli. It arouses that person’s imagination. The “better than before” depends on the existing level of chemistry between two people. What is great about this is that the person feels like they’re part of the whole unfolding process of seduction and are happy to be let in on the game. and holds the mind in languishing suspense. . it doesn’t make rational sense. Ordinary things begin to look. “Why should I tell someone I am going to seduce him or her? It doesn’t make sense. You need to be confident that you can deliver.turning up the heat The surprise element or “shock” effect is a plus as long as the surprise element promotes pleasurable anticipation rather than uneasiness . and will leave him or her open-mouthed (metaphorically) with disbelief. and sometimes even better than before. This is one of my favourite approaches to creating a “shock effect. then all the better.” Your reaction is probably. . say something like. Telling someone you are going to seduce him or her is in incongruous to what the person would normally expect. and feel different. But the final seduction is all about you. excites his or her curiosity. As long as the experience keeps delivering on its promises and making new challenges and new experiences. the mind will want to know “What does this mean?” “How will this be accomplished?” “What is his or her next move?” “How will I feel?” “Will I enjoy it?” and “Will he or she be successful in seducing me?” The mind starts processing any information it receives more intently and meaningfully in an attempt to elicit clues and make “sense” of things.” Once the person has given you the go ahead to approach him or her and you’ve established that there is some chemistry there. out of nowhere. smell. it is unusual.” My point exactly. And just because they know they are being seduced doesn’t mean the experience will no longer be fun. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 122 . The “shock” effect acts to stimulate pleasurable anticipation which can be enjoyed in and of itself and can act as a ticket to a pleasant emotional roller coaster ride. “I am going to seduce you. The goal of cultivated anticipation is to bring a dramatic element into the interaction. You cannot be a successful seducer if you can’t deliver on it.

They forget that wit is meant to amuse. their actions generate anxiety. Sometimes such people push the boundaries on to hurtfulness. and embarrassment and can create isolation. increase pleasure in experimentation.” He or she might then say. For example. On the other hand. You could walk up to him or her and say. even playful teasing will almost certainly hurt you if you don’t have your inner game together.turning up the heat Playfulness and teasing—if these can be separated—is one sure way of being intentionally very fascinating and even amusing . if you’re overly sensitive and “touchy”. In fact. not abuse. And if you don’t have your self-image and insecurities in check. . . pain. I know. And I agree that when people who feel insecure and do not feel good about themselves tease anyone at all. let’s say you are at a party and you see a man or woman you’d really like to get to know. or sleaziness.” It’s uncomfortable. teasing can break the ice. and embarrassment and who will confirm that you are victim. Some others mistake sarcasm for playful teasing and often think they are being witty. I know. and he or she is showing interest. “Why do I have a feeling this is déjà vu?” Let’s say he or she asks. you will not be able to handle even a little playful teasing. you might think. and sexual harassment. Some people have a particularly negative view of teasing. you are destined to keep attracting hurtful or spiteful people who do not feel good about themselves and who will cause feelings of anxiety. and ignite one little spark of attraction into a fire that is too much for him or her to ignore. Most people don’t like the idea of “teasing. victimization. pain. right?” If you are caught up in the “teasing is bad” way of thinking. “This is going to backfire” and end up losing the crucial moment © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 123 . “You’re kidding. plain rudeness. focusing almost exclusively on its hurtful side—bullying. When done in good nature and playfully. “What do you mean?” You could reply. increase risk in trying new ideas. “You flirting with me like that.

“No.” He or she might then ask. and please stop nagging me. I can do that”. that’s when you should lean back and act as if you have all the time in the world.” The point I am trying to make is that when it seems obvious that you should start acting like a clingy bug or throw a toddler tantrum. “I hope you have a damn good lawyer.. but you’re going to have to do all the housework. That is totally flirting. What makes you think I am flirting with you?” To a guy you can say. “That thing you just did with your belt. I am very traditional and believe that husbands/wives should do all the housework. make it into an interesting banter. your very first date. I am not. grab it. Let’s assume you’re smart enough to start a conversation. A more experienced teaser will pick up on the little spark of interest and create additional fascination and interest.” And to a woman can say.” © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 124 . Tapping into that special “sexual tension” between the sexes can show him or her you know how to handle yourself with charm and confidence .” You might even add.” Please don’t say something like “Okay.turning up the heat that could change your life forever. For example. That is totally flirting.. You are just like my ex. I am not. When a man or woman throws a word at you. I can support you.” To which they might reply “No. and end the interesting build-up of emotions. “What do you do for a living?” He or she tells you what he or she does and then asks. Say “Sorry. Let’s say you agreed to meet someone on a date. when he or she says “You’re kidding. I can’t. transform it.” Feign disappointment and say. “You just screwed it all up for yourself. It’s obvious that you’re flirting with me. “And what do you do when I bring home the bread and do all the housework as well?” Say. You might start with. And let’s say he or she answers with “Well. “And what do you do?” Tell him or her you’ve just been fired from your job and you only agreed to go out on a date with him or her because you were hoping he or she’s rich and would be able to support you. and now I am going to have to divorce you and take half of your money.” At this point he or she might raise eyebrows as if to say “You’re unbelievable. right?” tell him or her. “I haven’t really figured that out yet. “That thing you just did with your hair.

playful. the easier it’s going to be for him or her to feel comfortable and relaxed and for the encounter. You can walk up to him or her and say. Just when you are about to kiss. In just about every situation and opportunity. Here is another example. can ease the way into more intimate matters . Let’s say that you are about to kiss for the first time. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 125 . you might see the person in a store and he or she looks like they are trying to make up their mind about something they want to buy.” Remember this.” If you’re more confident in your skills and charm you can say. the temptation to cling onto his or her lips like a vacuum can be great—don’t. “You really should change your mind. cracking too many jokes and clowning around will turn off rather than turn someone on. . . and know how to handle yourself. I can’t do this. The ability to “playfully tease” another person is contingent on a high level of self-confidence and natural spontaneity. “Time sure flies when you’re having fun. Tantalizing him or her with your “expert” knowledge of a subject. amuse. . it certainly is colourful. shaking your head and saying. otherwise without the obvious playful attitude you will both miss the point. especially if that subject has some sexual innuendo. and fascinate the person you have your eyes on . .” Here is one of my favourites. gently push him or her away. find ways to entertain. to be fun and memorable. make it completely obvious to the other person that you are teasing him or her. if you’ve been waiting for this all evening.turning up the heat The more you can show him or her that you are comfortable. Hesitation and clumsiness might interfere with the effect you are trying to create and the appeal you are trying to project might not shine through. On the other hand. however brief. While waiting in a slow-moving long line you could say. I’d go completely nuts and want to kiss you every day and right now I am not sure I’ll even see you tomorrow. “You’re trouble.” Or. when you playfully tease. how could you have bought that glitzy thing? Well. “It’s awful. The other one may look/work better.

saying something. It can also be away of testing the limits of a relationship. physical. joy. A range of subtle words. To the opposite sex this screams “insecure” or “inexperienced” sexual delusional. express. Men and women who have mastered the refined use of sexual innuendo (and sometimes the skillful use of body language) to indirectly convey a message are mostly people who know what they’ve got and can actually deliver on the promise. interests. To the opposite sex we come across as boring. . and fulfillment into all aspects of their mental. phrases. and “sexually uptight. . without causing embarrassment. you should own it. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 126 . manifest. over-promising and full-of-themselves. very few of us have resolved or reconciled the discords and confusions of our powerful instinctive sexual drives. Sexual innuendo can be an effective way of easing the way into an exchange where you can find out about each other’s sexual attitudes. desires. emotional. be sure to adopt the “less is more” mentality. They are interesting to the opposite sex because they have that most sought after trait—the ability to make others laugh while demonstrating meaning and value. The reason most people are not able to relax and enjoy this tantalizing subject is because very.turning up the heat Sex is always at the background of any conversation between a man and a woman. There is a saying.” Many of us avoid talking about anything sexual altogether because we don’t want to be perceived as being “obsessed” with sex. Sexual innuendo and teasing that barely hides the interest and affection beneath the surface plays a big part in driving sexual attraction . but not too much. Of those who are insightful enough to perceive the mystical code of their sexuality. thoughts. logically stalwart.” A few who try to seduce using sexual innuendo often come across as bubbly. sexual. even when we are not consciously thinking about it. few are able to communicate. urges. or self-disclose in healthy ways that bring happiness. and spiritual lives. dreams. or rekindling passion in relationship that is losing its spark. In the name of good taste. desires. and sensations. and preferences. “If you poke it. fantasies.

or wild. Men and women respond differently to sexual innuendoes and sexual teasing. If it’s done correctly. the dinner and movie thing. even married couples. you walk away feeling better about yourself. If things are interesting rather than boring and predictable. and comments that can be interpreted in two or more ways.turning up the heat sentences.” Women will tend to focus on male sexual habits. There is a fine and fleeting line between using “sexual innuendo” to entertain. Men on the other hand. . That was over in the early eighties. As with everything else. Nonetheless. you’re halfway toward building attraction . Women tend to get hurt.” all signal to the other person that you are just being playfully yourself and not trying to solicit for sex. the first thing to do is to be at home with your sexual nature. elongated vowels. and often put off by men who are constantly talking about nothing but sex all the time. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 127 . . Do something really fun. tend to become sexually aroused quicker than women when sexual innuendos are flowing thick and fast. a little laugh just before or after the “sexual innuendo. unusual facial expressions. what you can and cannot say at any given moment. amuse and fascinated someone and using it as harassment. hysterical. A lot of single men and women. an exaggerated tone of voice. and plain lewdness . this is not something you can learn by mastering a few scripted words. while men will focus on women’s physical characteristics. both men and women enjoy a little “sexual innuendo. . assume a date has to be “old fashioned”—you know. and women’s innate ability to confuse men and get them really mixed-up. Keep in mind that an innuendo is always enjoyable and delightful when the other person does not see it coming but is open and receptive. . Your harmony with yourself enhances your instinctive ability to know how far you can go. If you really want to master the use of sexual innuendo (which you should because a little sexual innuendo keeps the fire burning). sex solicitation. sexual over-readiness. and “excessive” desire. embarrassed. pretence that they are not sexually interested.

unpredictability.turning up the heat something out of the box like eat unusual dishes in unusual places. soon it’ll be your turn to move in).” “sexual tension. etc. go for a drive in the country. and intrigue. talk about puppy love). It doesn’t always have to be in the form “head games. much less dramatic. no matter the genre. tease each other on your driving. help him or her move (and who knows. take your dogs for a stroll in the park (hmm. different. yet still show the other person how creative. take turns driving. just do something unusual and unpredictable. Make your time together so inspiring that he or she will want to spend the rest of his or her life having the ride of a lifetime! Be someone who can co-create such a lifetime. go roller-skating and fall over each other and roll in the snow—laugh. It can be much simpler.” or “pull/push” dynamics. and interesting you can be. The point is. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 128 . All relationships. can benefit from little amounts of suspense. stop at some unusual eatery and grab something to eat. go to the gym together and get sweaty together. whatever that is.

coordination. make him or her feel what you feel. humming. Ancient African teachings have a very simple explanation. It is the beat that excites and stirs human nature. mood. social status. temperament. want to become you. It regulates emotions. and even affections and human interactions. swaying. Musicians and dancers are some of the most desired sex partners because they appear to live a rhythm that closely matches the rhythm of their inner being. symmetry. together with you. creativity. influence. soothing the mind. chanting. rhythm is at the heart of creation. electrifying the flesh and causing arousal.THE RHYTHMIC AURA OF A DANCER/MUSICIAN Anyone can become a desired sex partner by giving him/herself a musician or dancer’s rhythmical aura . people have come up with all sorts of jumbled explanations for musicians’ and dancers’ uncontested sexual appeal—individual creativity. feelings. they naturally transform these outer sounds into their own inner rhythms and respond to the urge for external expression—singing. resistance to and recovery from illness. pulse. reactions. It stirs us—stabilizing the heartbeat. The universe has a beat.invite interested partners with ease. We are all born with and are aware of this universal rhythm and beat moving through and into every last cell of our bodies. powerful but overlooked concept. This is a simple. nerves. or rhythm that vibrates on all levels and penetrates into every miniscule space and life form. etc. motor control. self-confidence. move the man or woman you have your eyes on. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 129 . whistling. According to ancient wisdom. inspire him other to want to come to you. F or decades. When a musician or dancer hears sounds (which if we are tuned to the rhythm of the universe we also hear all the time).

but somewhere else. makes us forget our circumstances in life. become one with them. bouncing. not our own. When we are engaged and connected with our rhythmical self we do not need to hear external sounds or verbalize sounds.the rhythmic aura of a dancer/musician jumping. and happy. . When we feel connected in this way. if just for a fleeting moment. and together with them. from one state to another. with every sense awakened and every molecule in the body alive and vibrating. The universe has rhythm that sets the stage for its behaviour and therefore our own . often irresistible. We take a more relaxed attitude © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 130 . Their emotional abandon transports us into their creative worlds in ways that leave an imprint on us. thus listening itself (including meditation and reflection). The music makes us oblivious of ourselves. not theirs.” or heard someone say “this is our song!” We feel what the musician or dancer feels. How often have you said “this is my song. is a simultaneous process of hearing and speaking with the natural world and universe. These feelings are gripping. We respond to this “harmony of rhythm” by making music and moving our bodies in response to what we hear in the natural world and inside us. transfers us into another place. In these ancient teachings. strong. We swing from one primal emotion to another. we have our own song within to hum and bounce with it. we are more at ease. we listen with our whole beings. but why are we doing it? Most of us don’t know why. Some people are so attuned to their inner rhythms—at one with the drum in the heart—that they don’t even need to hear sound to express this pulse externally. content. . clapping. we cannot just be “listening” because listening itself is “speaking. dancing. This relationship of “listening” and “speaking” with the universe at all times creates a space within us where we feel safe and accepted by the world around us. and seem to emerge from nowhere.” We don’t just listen with our physical ears or speak with our physical mouths. Ancient African wisdom teaches us that the rhythm of the universe and the rhythm within us are rarely isolated. they seem to have the ability to communicate their inner primal and raw emotions in ways that move the rest of us who hear their music or watch them dance. healthy. etc. More than that.

Many of us fail in our seduction attempts and relationships because we’ve lost the ability to vibrate with our primordial rhythm and therefore the ability to synchronize our speech patterns with our body movements. energy. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 131 . listening and speaking. We learned from our parents—and were trained—to speak in very controlled voice patterns that limit variation in pitch and intensity. peaceful. It’s the kind of enviable calm awareness and sense of “belonging” we see in wild animals in their natural habitat. support. and calm. The thing about rhythm is that you can tell or see whether somebody is rhythmic or not. and almost all “enlightened” men and women. Our shared rhythmic heritage helps us build and maintain our relationships. and companionship. this happens during the early childhood years. . A person who maintains a “listening” and “speaking” relationship with the universe has a heightened awareness that is naturally relaxed. the flow of communication is compromised and our relationships are strained. African ancient wisdom further teaches us that our relationships with one another replicates this natural process of rhythmic intake and processing. This is the same kind of relaxed cheerful awareness we see in young children and the contented harmonious awareness regained by old wise men and women. It’s hard to miss it—it’s in the pitch and tone of the voice and in every movement of the body. and anticipate each other’s expressions. We were trained early in life to isolate ourselves from our primordial rhythmic self and in a way. cheerful. When this capacity is hampered. antipathy. We also learnt to distrust our bodily responses and restrict our body movements and gestures. we experience opposition. By “sharing the beat” of life. For most of us. engaging and connecting. be attentive and sympathetic to others.the rhythmic aura of a dancer/musician to our daily lives no matter what type of situation we are faced with because we know we can go to the universe for love. . whether they’re coordinated or not . we spontaneously co-create rhythmic exchanges and variations which allow us to share our feelings and intentions. and disharmony because we are “off beat” and “out of sync” with each other’s rhythm. lost our connection to the universal rhythm.

delayed. learn about the formal structure of different classical styles.” “not in the same wavelength.” etc. or “out of sync” with the rhythms of others Rhythmical synchronization is considered by many ancient and indigenous cultures as both the fast track to an emotional connection and the acid test of any relationship—we’ve all seen or at least heard of persons who share a rhythm. our body responses to sound remains awkward. others in their company will notice a rhythmic synchrony in © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 132 .” In other words. social skill does not exist separately from our own self-expression. even before two people realize what is happening.” “keep up with the pace. but for many of us. Rhythmic attunement gives the art of seduction direction and flow .” “off beat”.” “get on the same wavelength.” “disengaged. tense. . When we disconnect or fail to vibrate with our primordial rhythms. The expression of our unique personal identity is an important characteristic of sexual attraction. . Even when we attend music appreciation classes.” making it difficult and near impossible for us to outwardly express our inner vibrancy and communicate our distinctive individual uniqueness. The capacity to vibrate with our primordial rhythm is directly related to the expression of social skills— when we “move with the flow. become skilled at analyzing melodic lines and learn to skilfully play a musical instrument. or echoed. we also lost the feeling of safety and acceptance by the natural world around us.” “engage in the dance of courtship. The crucial role of rhythm is not limited to self-expression and sexual attraction but extends to our ability to tune into the rhythms of others. in other words. confused. Most of us can hear and even feel the beat inside of us but somehow are completely and utterly incapable of expressing what we feel. it seems as if this identity is essentially “frozen. we rightly feel we are “moving in different directions.the rhythmic aura of a dancer/musician As we lost trust in our primordial rhythmic self. We fail to easily and naturally “engage” the other’s primal rhythm because our ability to express our own distinctive rhythm or “inner pulse” which is the essence of who we are is limited. At first sight. “share the beat.

the rhythmic aura of a dancer/musician their movements and actions. go. and soon. When our rhythmic sense is weak.” and “keep up with the pace” is highly developed. hindered. and poised. and blend with each other. Various findings from psychological and phonetics research have revealed that human interactions involve a subtle and largely unseen dance in which the rhythm in a speaker’s utterances is not only precisely synchronized with movements of the speaker’s body but readily synchronized with corresponding movements of the listener’s body. to images which come. it just happens. it is especially challenging when it comes to the art of seduction which has simultaneous rhythms all going on at the same time—everything from disjointed thoughts. We appreciate them as responsive and complex beings because we understand our own responsiveness and complexity.” “get on the same wavelength. it is not something we think about. When our capacity to “vibrate with. or vulnerable. Speaker and listener are engaged in intricate and synchronized rhythmic movements that last as long as they remain alert and engaged with each other. This is not done consciously or deliberately. we can easily feel what others around us are feeling. how and why they do what do and are who they are. some of which are repeated over and over. from feelings of love to sexual desire and arousal—all of these exist and can be happening simultaneously. ongoing event. One leans on the right elbow and the other follows suit. held back. Accordingly. This is when you find that you really © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 133 . We feel in depth. thereby creating multiple simultaneous experiences for our dates or spouses.” “move with the flow. at least for some of us. from memories of a painful past to dreams of a desired future. one uncrosses his or her legs and the other does the same at the same time. Our interactions feel natural. making it easier to sustain a living. relaxed. Because rhythmical synchronization is almost entirely unconscious. we find that our interactions follow an entirely unimaginative pattern consisting of a series of monotonic speech patterns compensated by a high degree of repetition and redundancy. we are more able to create feelings of “connectedness” and pace our interactions because we can easily pump ourselves up or down a notch to mirror what the other is feeling at any given moment. more body parts join the mating dance until the two are dancing as one.

Develop rhythmic awareness and sensitivity to what you are experiencing . Most of the time. neck. opposition. Slowly move the body in small circular movements while following the rhythm of the drum in the chest (heartbeat). .the rhythmic aura of a dancer/musician have to try hard and hang in there just to sustain an ongoing event. You may or may not close your eyes. especially in loosening up the body and its rigid patterns. as if you are drawing small circles down to the base of the spine. Rhythmic awareness is not something you learn in a course. I’ve found this wonderful exercise for relearning to listen and dance to your “beat” a very effective tool for my clients. and disharmony instead of flow and rhythm. face. Here’s how: 1. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 134 . from book. Try to feel rather than think. Start from the shoulders. or from someone else because it is a deeply personal matter. Now. . Stand with your feet shoulder-width apart and firmly planted on the ground. When you feel not just your heart thumping but your entire being pulsating. but only you can dance your dance. hips. genitals. It can be used by just about anyone without any conflict with your faith or beliefs. seminar. and anus. Allow the body to move freely and feel the beat of your heart coursing through the body. It’s something you feel inside. relax the shoulders. start clapping your hands or stomping your feet to the rhythm or beat. you end up creating unnecessary stress. knees slightly bent. Others may be able to help you move a certain way. It is very interesting to see what happens. and either hand hanging loosely by your side or resting on your hips. antipathy. The good news is that you can easily escape from all that dreariness in male-female interactions by simply tuning in to the rhythm of human interaction. That is also when seducing a man or woman really becomes hard work.

Human emotions such as fear. Open yourself up to the power and presence of being fully in tune with others . selfishness. feet firmly on the ground and keeping the beat. Keep dancing until you feel completely free (and wild!) or pass out from blissful exhaustion. Continue drawing the circles with the thighs and then the knees. feel it and let it go. Don’t force it to go one particular direction. the more intense the experience. you’ll be in jeopardy. impatience. adding luminosity and vibrancy to all you do and say. waist. You’ll discover how to place trust in the kinaesthetic sense of what feels right in any given situation (sense of balance). Do it for ten minutes and then allow your body to come to a standstill. vanity.the rhythmic aura of a dancer/musician With knees bent. . not only of failing to light the flame. begin drawing circles with the stomach. where the momentum is taking you. include the neck and head. Next. hips. The longer you do it. Do the dance/exercise as often as you like. Put some music on. 2. something that inspires you to move spontaneously. When you’re scared. worried. . envy. anxious. but of destroying even the little spark of interest that was there in the beginning. don’t stop to worry about it. or upset you can literally feel your heartbeat tak- © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 135 . The whole point is to be able to listen and hear the rhythms that are vibrating inside you. When you’re listening to your own rhythm you’ll know exactly where the currents are. just keep moving clockwise and anticlockwise whichever way the body wants to go. pride. and frustration—disrupt. just move in circles. Keep drawing the circles until you become the circle. angry. block. allow it. Human emotions are really fragile and unless you understand the pace and rhythm of these emotions. You may feel or experience a timeless quality and blissful feeling. jealousy. If you feel a tremble coming. self-doubt. lust. If you feel resistance from the hips and genitals. worry. hatred. and destroy our inner beat-to-beat rhythm. and what you’ll accomplish in terms of authentic self-expression. pelvis and genitals. something with a distinct drum beat or a fast rhythmic beat.

secure. and cowardice to the point where everybody takes advantage of them and even despises them. our date’s. and confident around. or become so animated and frank that they say things that are disagreeable and offending. being able to pick up the change of emotion from one moment to another. It is being able to pick up an actual “emotion” in another’s utterances and synchronized or corresponding movements. or echoed. For some reason humans are emotionally moved by other people’s emotions.the rhythmic aura of a dancer/musician ing on a chaotic and uneven pattern. Obviously this is more than mechanically mirroring someone else’s body language—lean on the right elbow when he or she leans on the left. When we are feeling confident. Our emotions draw out corresponding emotions and body language from others. delayed. When we feel deeply and express ourselves openly. shift posture to match his/her posture. frantic. timidity. If she is feeling tired and needs to go home. your reaction time and responses becomes overwhelmed. This is an internal monitoring process of deeply listening and feeling the other’s emotional rhythm.” © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 136 . etc. we are open and willing to feel deeply and express those emotions and feelings completely. secure. And when we learn each other’s rhythms. others react with flattery. The same way we pick up the change of emotions in a musician’s song and their flow of emotions. appreciative. but more importantly. defensiveness. The people we feel relaxed. and if he does not feel like talking about some particular event in his life. Persons who have no ability to “vibrate with” their own inner rhythm or “move with the flow” of another’s inner rhythms may react with inappropriate emotional outbursts. It becomes physically impossible to think or speak clearly. and involved with all the senses including intuition. our faces will naturally show pain. you will not insist on hearing about it. If the other person is narrating an experience in which they felt sad. are the people we are attracted to. you will not insist on prolonging the date. hectic. paranoid. we draw others to us. we smile and laugh too. we can easily modify our reactions to fit those rhythms. The other person also finds it easier to relax and feel at ease around us. lover’s or spouse’s emotions become “our emotions” and their song “our song. If they smile or laugh.

” Being able to “play” with the senses creates a million possibilities and opportunities for seduction to become a mutually gratifying and bonding experience. Just like in any dance. and with coordination of thought. You will learn dance moves alright. It allows the other person to join the flow of things with a smooth rhythmic ease and efficiency. Mechanically mirroring someone else’s body language (physiological synchrony) is like learning how to dance by counting steps and performing routines without the “passion” that surges from the wellspring of the soul. rather it is intuitively “sensing” the other person’s needs and potential and then setting a course that fully captures the current chemistry. Choosing the correct time to act is critical to the success of seduction. building up a sensation to a “high” and then bringing it down to a gradual “low” that sets the stage for a new build-up to the next “high. Knowing when to move requires understanding how to use all of the senses. timing is everything. because the dance is mechanical. or connection. including “body language experts” who continue to promote an artificial and mechanized understanding of how interaction synchrony and rhythmical synchronization really works. it’s like a light switching from off to on with the “click” audible to the intuition. dry. isolate each sense seduce it. Get the timing right . 3. those who really get it. . and disconnected from the “passion” of the dance. This is not merely a matter of deciding what particular instant is the right moment to make a move. . then blend them together in various combinations. If you care enough about someone. emotion. For those who recognize it. And there is nothing less appealing than watching a dancer expressing uneasiness.the rhythmic aura of a dancer/musician The delicate moment when one emotion changes to another cannot be so easily seen with physiological eyes. spark of interest. even more importantly than moves or steps. and for the most part this delicate shift has been unnoticed by many people. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 137 . but fail to cast a spell over your dancing partner (and the audience). you will sense when your heart is beating in tune with the other person’s. and action.

So many men and women are being subconsciously invited into the dance of courtship without consciously knowing it. dance is a cost-free and easy form of interaction that connects people in an emotionally primal way. play.the rhythmic aura of a dancer/musician When you are completely tuned in. whether personal or professional. As I explained in Chapter 8 of this book. the best course is to pull back. Dance in every guise. It is precisely because of its euphoria-generating quality that © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 138 . Sometimes it’s impulsive and playful and other times it’s thoughtful and empathetic. or too late. and sometimes it’s bold and exuberant and other times coy and provocative. listen to your own personal rhythm. arouses strong passions and deep emotions in all living creatures. Then there are times when it’s conscious and deliberate. In itself. This is why dance is the most fascinating pastime of all civilizations. 4. You will know you are missing the beat. hitting too soon. You are overwhelmed. similar to how a dancer or musician will feel when his or her timing is off. . . Its ability to churn out ecstasy is inexplicable and incomparable to any other form of intoxication. Sometimes it’s slow and laid-back. This often creates tension in the body and in your voice. In the moment and throughout the phases of courtship there is a rhythmic force that develops between people. The other person is not showing genuine interest in trying to make a connection. You feel like you are hitting a dead wall. When this occurs. be it called a game. see where you feel a block in your own flow and connect with your rhythmical and emotional self first. and other times it’s fast and furious. dancing is a form of unconscious training in the language of rhythmic synchrony. confused. or amusement. For example: You find it hard to find common points of interest. you will know when your personal “timing” is off. Accentuate your rhythmic aura by learning how to dance . and anxious most of the time. Resist the strong temptation to rationalize what’s going on and to blame the other person. or unconscious and seemingly unintentional.

pitch. By tuning in to the “rhythm” of human interaction. enthusiasm. sensitivity. healthy. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 139 . and the more sexually appealing you are. confidence.the rhythmic aura of a dancer/musician dance is cherished by many and feared by some as an enticement to the irrational and primal. and can sense and express passion. you learn how to electrify your experiences or relationships in ways that leave you and your date or spouse. inflection. feeling connected. and maturity more freely. intelligence. and strength. at ease. and happy. confidence. if you are tuned in. strong. The more you’re able to feel connected to and rooted in your own body. sensitivity. the more conscious you become of the wide range of body repertoire that makes you attractive to the opposite sex. It’s not just the expressive body that can sense these primal desires and communicate warmth. content. you are more sensitive to the variations in voice tone.

” And when we want to say a person is emotionally well-adjusted. and with people. “Keep in touch” and “Let us not lose touch” we say to people we like. Sometimes you will be rejected. takes this to the highest level by merging one’s whole being with another. Its sense of “closeness” and immediacy enables us to interact with objects as well as sense their properties. we say he or she is “in-touch with” his or her true feelings. compliant. and intentions. . to sense their unconscious thoughts. .” Touch is unique among the other senses in that it brings us in direct contact with the physical reality of a person or object. T © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 140 . optimistic. Touch is our only active sense which is not purely receptive—we cannot touch without being touched . far outweigh the times of rejection. emotions. often without their conscious knowledge. sexual intercourse. you must risk reaching out to touch. And when referring to a spiritually moving experience we say it “touched my heart. he sense of touch is a socially loaded sense and probably the most intimate and bonding of all senses. If our emotions are affected. The most intimate form of touching. but the wholesome benefits from the times when you can find another sincere toucher. In fact. Something believed to be original or originating from a particular individual person is said to have “a personal touch.KEEPING IN TOUCH If you want more touch in your life. research has shown that touch can sway even strangers. and generous. When touched briefly. most people tend to temporary become more helpful. we say something or someone “touched” us.

Touch is a primal need that we never outgrow. But used inappropriately. even hugging feels awkward. Individuals who have had bad experiences of being touched in an inappropriate manner may react to touch with distressing feelings and emotions such as anxiety. it can build barriers and cause mistrust. Since people aren’t accustomed to physical contact. It can add extended meaning to spoken communication and ensure continued attention. fear.keeping in touch Whether it is an accidental touch in a crowded train. or giving a “simple” touch of appreciation. So often. and dangerous—encounters. even to the point where we now consider touch to be of minor importance. of being sexual and sensuous. . yet somehow we don’t touch each other often enough. This awkwardness has resulted in an exclusion of touch in many of our interpersonal exchanges. it can create a more direct message than dozens of words. psychological. the desire for physical closeness gets misinterpreted as a desire for sex. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 141 . the fear of being interested in another person’s body. We experience the worst violation to our person when we are touched inappropriately or with violence. shaking hands. A touch may trigger old memories which are not related to the intention or style of the current toucher. with people sticking their butts out so as not to touch crotches. Even an innocent handshake. . This specific double-sided characteristic makes it active and passive at the same time. When used appropriately. and spiritual well-being . because touch always brings us into close—and potentially unpleasant. or nausea. touch has a reciprocal influence on the person who initiates the touch as well as the persons who receives it. can be misread as having sexual connotations. To touch and to be touched is essential to our physical. A touch can at times supersede spoken words. if too prolonged. we are letting ourselves be touched by what or whom we touch. The consequence of this neurotic fear of the sexual is that we sexualize almost all forms of physical contact. We live in a culture where there is great fear of the body. hurtful. By touching.

This means that it is not just a physical event of flesh meeting flesh but also.keeping in touch Many of us suffer from mild forms of “touch” deprivation. are better at understanding the needs of others. Touching is not optional. heal us. appearance. especially traumatic stress. and primarily. to caress. it is mandatory .such touch may or may not be of a sexual nature. are emotionally healthier. mood. and inflame us. Touch is important to our well-being because it helps us live at our highest level of fulfillment. Various studies have shown that people who have been stroked with a loving touch as children have tremendously better outcomes in life. comfort us. . and acknowledged . Rather than something detached and separate. “Touch” deprivation in our early years may also be affecting our ability to cope with stress. to hold. and well-adjusted. Touching and being touched can reassure us. As adults they retain this need for body contact. a transfer of subtle energies and sensitivities between bodies. They enjoy touching someone else’s body as well as touching their own bodies . They also show more satisfaction with their bodies and physical appearance. . women. Touch significantly enhances our sense of being seen. and children alike. causing us to be nervous and anxious. They tend to stand or sit very close to others in such a way that physical contact is always possible. body language. As children we were not provided with the physical contact that makes children more secure and better able to form adult relationships when they finally head out on their own. have less stress in their everyday lives and less tension in their relationships. These people score higher on the interpersonal scale. understood. touch forms the permeable border between the physical body and its energy fields. to encircle. tone of voice. . Arms are continually reaching out to make physical contact. When we directly touch someone’s physical body we are in turn indirectly penetrating beneath the skin and touching the energy aspect of the person with our presence. They are less anxious than most touchdeprived individuals. heard. to touch. smell. or to press against men. persuade us. . and are more trusting of other people’s motives and intentions. relax us. and © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 142 .

it’s so part of me that most of the time I do it subconsciously. For example. touchy . . culture-dependent . encouraging.keeping in touch even our intent. I do not feel that I’ve really “seen” an object or person unless I’ve touched it or them. touching is a very integral form of non-verbal communication and a vital part of experiencing something or someone. Touch is. Most people love it. Touching is a highly personal experience. often independently of the intentions of the person initiating the touch. I often hug strangers. disrespectful. . We. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 143 . And you’d think that one or two “don’t touch” reprimands would freak the “touch and see” impulse out of me. Through touch we let our senses discover what can only be found between truly destined souls. warm. affirming. . The meanings we assign to being touched determine whether a touch will increase the sense of connection and trust or not. Not all individuals will necessarily respond to touch in the same way. a curator comes over to tell me “not to touch” objects. intrusive. It makes me feel silly and stupid because I seem to have enjoyed the object in a way that I was not supposed to. For some individuals. but no. Touch is to an extent. . construct a meaning to touch and respond based on the symbolic meaning we individually assign to the touch. Communication by touch is just as likely to be misinterpreted as spoken language. even when it appears to be appropriate and supportive. umm. These are all things that register in the other person’s sense of us. Every time I go to a museum or art gallery. and calming by one person and as overwhelming. or sexual harassment by another person. a simple hug may be experienced as supportive. The intention and motivation of the person touching may not necessarily be similar or even identical with the message received by the person touched. after asking them if it’s okay of course—which seems really weird in a culture where hugging strangers is not something everyone does—but it always ends up an incredibly positive experience.

Touching in the “wrong place” when one does not understand the touching behaviour of a particular culture can quickly undermine a relationship. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 144 . touch is tolerated but not something sought out. it’s just too loaded. and continue physical contact throughout an encounter or conversation. to black men complaining about their white girlfriends patting them on the head—“I don’t care how far we’ve come. In other cultures. . with whom. you must first ask permission. Many of the interracial couples I work with and many of the emails on interracial dating and relationships I receive include a reference to touching. which part of the body to touch. with the interpretation of meaning dependant on what each culture considers polite. controlled. and ritualized.” Many other requests for advice mostly concern intimate touching—how much to touch. and expected behaviour in social interactions and the expression of emotion. and touching may result in misinterpretations of what is intended by the touch. sit and walk with their arms round each other’s shoulders. The rules in regards to when. the more like-minded they are presumed to be. the duration of the touch. what it means when one is touched a certain way. Being referred to as “touchy” is seen as a reference to some kind of emotional weakness and people do not want to be around a “touchy” person. Not even look at it”. task related. the boundaries may be completely different. accepted. are tacitly understood in each culture. and in what manner it’s okay to touch. Forms of touch are mainly procedural. Some cultures—like the one I was raised in—hold the belief that like-minded people will hold hands. the amount of pressure to apply. In some cultures. etc. The lack of experience in healthy affectionate touching has made many men and women so scared of touching . and even cause irritation. public displays of affection.keeping in touch The meaning we individually assign to a touch is only one challenge in the ambiguous subjectivity of touch. They range from white males asking why they can’t touch their black fiancée’s hair—“I am not allowed to touch or smell her hair. where to touch. . If you’re going to go beyond a handshake or want to hug someone. Across cultures. The more people touch each other. touching is a common.

. Their sex lives. would have been more effective in creating intimacy. Generally. and as part of a risk management strategy. the wish for closeness and the wish for distance. or rejection. touch-aversive people tend to keep at a distance in order to avoid any unintentional. they either start by being way too intimate or go overboard so much that they come across as “creeps” if they’re men or “easy” if they are women. Many times. The more authoritarian. It is important to develop the habit of sharing physical contact as an end in itself . And when they try to use touch to increase intimacy. In any encounter. Flowing directly from this fear of being misunderstood. they don’t recognize when someone is trying to connect using other forms of communication and are not aware when they are ignoring or blocking another person’s attempt to connect with them. any kind of touch is often seen as the first step on the slippery slope towards sexual intercourse. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 145 .keeping in touch Many of us keep our hands to ourselves. a majority are not. involuntary. verbally communicating their feelings and sensations by manipulating words where touch or some other non-verbal (more primitive) forms of communication. Usually we don’t want to give the wrong impression. Both men and women have difficulty conceptualizing touch as something that nourishes human-to-human contact without it being erotic. or to open ourselves to pain. both genders tend to rigidly focus on and adhere to spoken word. in general. or unexpected touching. So men and women who are not specifically interested in sexual contact or sexual intercourse at the time or with that person. the more uncomfortable and suspicious he or she is with even brief physical contact with another person. let alone touching our own bodies. . and rigid a person is. chance. tend to avoid touching to minimize the risk of having their intentions misunderstood. Some of us are aware of our own behaviours and reactions which oscillate between embarrassment and desire. fanatically-religious. are unsatisfactory. A majority of us rarely even think about touching someone else.

This is probably why touching or allowing touch creates a state of trust and receptivity. depends on it for his or her happiness—seeks it. where. If something like touch is pleasurable. Take for example the handshake which is the most common form of touch. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 146 . mood. gorges on it. The other person’s willingness to share him or herself provides valuable information for assessing and predicting the outcome of the encounter. I always watch to see how many times. all physical intimacy peters out altogether. A man or woman uneasy with physical intimacy will use an exaggerated up-and-down motion. Over the years. and how they touch each other. we sneak around each other for hours and hours hoping for “something” to happen. and even becomes addicted to it. including our tone of voice. Unaware of what is expected and what is intended. and even our intent. I’ve found out that struggling couples merely talk. . Our physical presence. all register in the other person’s sense of us. Many of us just can’t enjoy touch as an end to itself. The way someone touches can tell us a lot about them . .keeping in touch The other side of lack of experience in healthy body contact is the pleasure-seeking and self-indulgent attitudes rampant in our society. It is inevitable. Often times nothing happens because the agenda is unclear. it also gives us a good “sense” of how close the person wants to be and their willingness to share themselves at a level that is appropriate to the relationship. someone who is keen to avoid it all together will use a fingertip shake where hands don’t actually interlock or will offer a wimpy handshake. it is not a matter of if. but when. The lack of experience in healthy affectionate touching is not helped by our lack of understanding of what the other wants and the meanings that people assign to different kinds of touching behaviour. while thriving couples touch. body language. Touching not only sends a message to our minds and bodies that something or someone is in close physical proximity. it is almost a given that if the touching experience is pleasurable. Without regular touching. we must have sexual intercourse. then the person becomes completely “attached” to it. smell. When working with couples planning to get married.

sideward head tilt or returns the touch. it can reveal a tendency to be controlling—“Love me. Touching another on the notion that we all crave touch and so one may do what one wishes with another’s body without permission is a very insidious thing to do.” An upper body lean expresses a desire to keep the connection casual at best or “Keep away from me” at worst. The difference between touching that is acceptable and touching that is unacceptable is the effect it has on the person touched. shows no reaction. Different touches have different meanings . not the toucher’s intention. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 147 . gentle shoulder shrug. For example. “I’d like to get close to you” or “I love you. want me. and or experiencing further touching depending on the type of relationship. If you’re the recipient of undesired touching it’s best to speak up in no uncertain terms when someone’s touch makes you uncomfortable. A simple hug can unwittingly let on more about an individual than the person hugging intends to. accidental touching on any neutral body part is important. a warm and friendly hug with the head resting on the other’s neck can say. or reluctantly smiles. If the other person pulls away. If on the other hand the person responds positively with a smile. and when great pressure is applied. tenses up.keeping in touch To someone not familiar with the sense of touch. it is a signal he or she doesn’t mind getting acquainted. A full body embrace on the other hand. may speak of a desire for a deeper or more intimate relationship. Accidental touching This touch is likely to be unpremeditated. . are not interested in you. it may be an indication that they don’t want physical contact. whether physical or emotional. can communicate neediness— “Please like me” or “Can you love me?”. . perhaps even a commitment. now. This is also true for hugging.” The same hug delivered with clinging haste. Though completely unintentional. or simply don’t appreciate being touched like that. the information about the person revealed by his or her handshake may go unnoticed until later in the relationship.

It is advisable to define and observe clear boundaries in a professional setting. frightening. . sharing a victorious moment such as winning a game or finishing a project. but instead is used to reflect cordiality and to regulate interpersonal interactions between acquaintances. . © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 148 . or traumatizing for either party. to see if the sparks will fly. The meaning of the touch is inherent to the action itself. These include such touching as simply touching an arm to make a point or point out something. Task-related touching happens in a specific manner. Ask him or her to give you “hi-five” by holding your palm up facing out. With such a friendly and risk-free move. barber. There are many others ways of ritual touching that do not make you appear to be coming on too strong. Rumours of sexual inappropriateness in such contexts travel quickly and have more staying power than any other kind of rumour. business associates. shocking. Examples of task-related touches are a doctor examining a patient. to feel the other’s touch without a need for commitment. A doctor. touching to guide someone to a table. he or she will mostly oblige. The experience can be embarrassing. your intuition will speak to you— whether there are sparks or not! Task-related touching . If you take time to savour the experience. there will be opportunities to connect.keeping in touch Ritualistic touching This kind of touching does not necessarily have a personal meaning. a masseur giving a professional massage. as well as strangers. or masseur can intentionally or unintentionally cross the professional “precincts” in some subtle way. especially if you are not entirely sure about the other person’s feelings towards you or if you are still “testing the waters”. and contractual handfasts. In a romantic setting. Such forms of touch include handshakes. handclasps. a barber cutting a client’s hair. This kind of touching is “touchy” because of the potential of violating professional/client boundaries.

As your hands touch.keeping in touch In a romantic setting. The opposite of a nurturing touch is a coercive or “controlling” touch mainly used to obtain compliance and to communicate one’s dominance or status. “I just love hearing your laughter!” © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 149 . and empathy. giving a hair cut. The nurturing touch is a deliberate way of communicating safety. It immediately warms up the other person with a psychological feeling of being worthy. reassurance. . then bravely declare that you are there by saying. select a romantic comedy. next time the two of you want to go out to watch a movie. . . loving touch. when you hear your date laughing. In a romantic setting. take his or her hand in yours then lean over and whisper in his or her ear. cup your hands onto his or her palms as if securing yourself on him or her. or admiration. Affectionate touching denotes emotional acceptance of each other and can evoke strong. Make sure he or she remembers the experience. pleasant emotions. alighting from a vehicle or flight of stairs. the opportunity to nurture another through touch can arise when the other person is about to do something that may require your support. offering a foot or scalp massage. If he or she is concentrating on the task at hand. . For example. During the movie. Just be conscious not to grip too hard.” Proceed to gently caress his or her hand by sliding your thumb on top of his or her hand. The point is to convey the honor and pleasure you experienced in the opportunity to touch him or her. “I got you” or “Here. For example. adjusting a tie or clothing. Nothing sends across the message “I like you” or “I’m attracted to you” stronger than gentle affectionate touching that flows naturally. Hold out your hand with the palms up and fingers slightly cupped. Affectionate touching . approval. The list is endless. or healing touch is about “feeling” with the hands of the heart and soul. Nurturing or supportive touching . Affectionate touch. task-related touching may include brushing dust from someone’s coat. leaping across a puddle of water. manoeuvring though movie theatre seats with popcorn and drinks in hand.

. touching is probably the primary carrier of sexual energy. or imaginary crumb from his or her lips then saying “just kidding. and how? You must not fear the consequences of touching someone. Between seeing and touching. try some long-forgotten childhood rituals or activities.” has an intimate meaning. Sexual touching with the intention of sexually arousing another may progress from all of the above forms of touching or be initiated as a prelude to sexual intercourse. Touching can sexually arouse us like no other sense. the values we associate regarding another’s touch. or one may sexually gratify oneself at the expense of another is high on the scale. Intentional physical playfulness is essential to any kind of relationship. Hide-and-seek is a good one! Sexual touching . . No wonder all cultures regulate touch behaviour. The possibility that one can be involuntarily sexually aroused. if you do. Tickling. Experiences and expressions of physical playfulness can leave a deep imprint on the imagination. It may involve sexual organs. . and the values we attach to power and pleasure.” then brushing a real crumb. that fear will make your touch unpleasant.keeping in touch Playful touching . If you have trouble being creative. It is what makes it interesting. and other playful touching are good for keeping relationships on a more relaxed level. where. For example. The meaning of what is considered a sexual touch is central to our individual concepts of self. shoulder pats. If you are uncomfortable with © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 150 . though not always. wrestling. a squeeze on the knee. How do you know when to touch. . saying “you have something on your mouth. Sexual touching without someone’s permission is harassment and is about power and domination rather than the intention to sexually arouse someone or share an experience. gentle pinching.

it’s best to test the waters by initially invading their physical space by touching their “personal extensions”—anything that belongs to him or her. pen. become preoccupied with a magazine. the touch will convey uncertainty rather than warmth and may elicit negative responses. and comfort level. the other person is giving you a clear indication that he or she does not mind physical contact. But even this can be tricky for someone not fluent in body language because of other body language clues that may be present. or sit very close . Some people reach across the table. Observing a person’s reaction to the violation of their space is a clue to what they are feeling at a given moment. In contrast. . will deepen and enhance the experience for both you. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 151 . When a change in the physical space occurs. if we definitely do not want physical contact and yet are forced to be close to others in a full train or bus. others touch themselves and then edge a few inches closer. not sweet and sensitive. a person will move closer or lean over. maintain a closed off/neutral expression on our faces and avoid conversations.keeping in touch touching others. you must be sure that the person wants you to touch them. if you are spontaneous in your touching and are sincere and gentle in the approach. the recipients of your touch will more likely receive the warmth intended. limits. stare at the ceiling or the floor. The mistake most people make is to attempt to get too “close” too soon—hold his/her hand. The ability to be sensitive to individual needs and tolerances.” avoid eye contact. as well as one’s own boundaries. Of course. As a species. So before touching someone. For instance. For instance. . and pat your side of the table. It’s an investment that pays off big time. before you touch. Also asking a man or woman you are out on a date with for permission to touch will make you seem timid and unsure. like a purse. put an arm around his/her shoulders. People who are ready for physical closeness will normally change or adjust their position to facilitate the desired level of intimacy. we are highly territorial but are rarely aware of this unless our space is somehow violated. Physical contact at the wrong time can lead to confusion as to what your true intentions are. cell phone. we will “hold ourselves in.

If you are the recipient of the touch. or worse. Another way of testing a man or woman’s testing for “touch readiness” is by slightly touching one of the “safe zones” and then apologizing for being so bold. you should be able to non-verbally communicate that you’ve © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 152 . he or she places the glass far away from yours. or “sneaking” one in when the other person least expects it. you are being welcomed into their personal space. respectful. casually place your glass close to his or hers. we are working against ourselves. You might be surprised that he or she was actually expecting it. after drinking. If the glass is moved out of the way or if after drinking. and casual touch that says “I am just a touching person being friendly” is more likely to create interest than an aggressive touch. I personally found out that this experiment works best when you wait until he or she takes a sip and places the glass back on the table. or book. It may look like a “habit” but they are in fact “wrapping their arms around themselves” and protecting their personal space from being violated. If the glass is allowed to remain there. forthright. If you want to know whether the person is attracted to you or is signaling that you can proceed to touch them. Anticipating a person’s needs yields impressive results. Some people place their glass far away and continue holding it even when it’s on the table. You can do this by extending your hand intentionally while watching his or her face for reactions. are turned off by men who aren’t sure of themselves. You can also tell if someone is ready for physical contact when he or she touches your “personal extensions. A courteous. The distances between glasses will give you plenty of clues. When the other person doesn’t get what they expect from us. When you reach out to touch his arm or her shoulder for the first time.” One of the experiments for “testing for touch readiness” that I teach my clients is from David Lewis’ book The Secret Language of Success. women especially.keeping in touch newspaper. chances are your advances are being spurned. try to find out which part of the body he or she is comfortable being touched. Relax and enjoy touch as an end in itself but don’t cling. don’t prolong the contact beyond what is natural for the situation. pretending it’s an accidental touch. Most people are not as stupid as we might think.

© 2007 Christine Akiteng page 153 .keeping in touch been deeply moved by the gesture. The reciprocal communication indicates that you are open to emotional contact.

. he shocked his companions when he picked up a lamb chop with his fingers and began eating it. you are missing the proverbial banana boat . If you are perfunctorily tossing down edibles without savouring them to the fullest. no curiosity about the senses. smell. the marrow. but staying conscious and present while you eat. you will eventually be able to remain clear and present within all of your senses.THE ALCHEMY OF THE SENSUOUS GOURMET By practicing a state of awareness while you eat. We never stop to really think that one should be able to enjoy the process of eating with as many of the senses as possible—taste. M any years ago. Realizing that people were looking at him disapprovingly. This means not only tasting the individual characteristics of the foods you eat. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 154 . Wilde returned their glances and remarked. . “You poor souls. sight. then you can intimately connect with the juice. We gobble down our food or gingerly peck at it in a disconnected or disinterested way with no desire to experiment. the prime reality of any particular food as it is in the present moment. when Oscar Wilde was dining in a luxurious London restaurant. Many of us take food and the dining experience for granted. and no willingness to make mistakes. touch. have you completely forgotten that eating is supposed to be fun?” Eating with fingers is a practice that is hard to wrap your mind around.

Part of this power comes from the fact that these foods almost force themselves to be eaten with the fingers. If you know what I mean. Any food can be an aphrodisiac if all the senses are exercised simultaneously while it is being consumed. mouths.the alchemy of the sensuous gourmet In addition to the pleasurable aromas. smell.” Some African cultures take it a step further by adding. passion. nuts. taste and texture of food. lips. . crickets. All cultures share the old adage. “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. firmness.” or “don’t eat too much. shrimp. oysters. tamarinds—they are all thought to have the potential of arousing or intensifying sexual desire and erotic power. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 155 . Let’s just say if he or she is mindlessly shovelling mouthfuls of food into his or her mouth. How am I supposed to see. and eyes enticed. the sensitiveness of the fingertips. With fingers busy. termites. and tongue increases the enjoyment of biting and chewing your way through a meal. sensuousness lingers in every bite—it is close to the “natural” as possible. Think of the many foods that are considered aphrodisiac—chocolate. Some people trying to awaken a deeper appreciation. “The way a man eats at the table is the way he eats on the bed. lips. feel. strawberries. beetles. corn. temperature. when. and how much to eat and at the back of your mind hearing that familiar voice from your childhood—“do not get your fingers dirty. tongues.” You can learn a lot about people when you watch them eat. and smell everything in a few seconds?” It can be particularly frustrating when you are trying to juggle the slippery elements of what. and sensuousness of the dining experience initially find it overwhelming. How people eat can give you a mental picture of how they express themselves in other sensuous areas of their lives. he or she will generally be mechanical or finicky in other areas as well. Some of my clients have asked me—“There is so much to do at the same time. or is a fussy eater. Eating with your fingers not only influences how food tastes but how you handle the phenomenon of total sensory appeal. taste. noses. . mouth.” An appreciation for the sensuousness of food uncovers “other” hidden “talents”.

and in most cases. a little bit of creaminess. invokes psychological and sensuous pleasure when the meat is cooked right. and will even emit a low “moan” when eating something that moves him or her to express exquisite sensuousness. The sensuous gourmet takes things slow. An ideal appetizer should be anything that can be picked up. If you want to go vegetarian. People love it when their dates take an interest in their interests. . pauses in the middle of a sentence to taste a sauce. First of all. listens to the loud crunch of each bite. trails the fingers around a plate of food. a little bit of sweetness. For a main course. digs the teeth into the fruit as if for the first time. How we eat is a manner of expression that has taken years to cultivate.” This is one of those times when bones become sensuous. you must first figure out what kind of man or woman you are planning to seduce and then create a menu sure to woo based on his or her interests and personality. . Seduction— à la kitchen—also comes in subtle forms . There is no shame or timidity in his or her actions—all this is perfectly natural. is completely instinctive. you still need to make © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 156 . Focused and knowledgeable effort is sexy. then eaten with the fingers—and licked often. or tucked in the sides. what we eat and how we eat is one of the most telling characteristics of who we are.the alchemy of the sensuous gourmet Since everyone must eat. roasted bone-in meats are the “holy grail. this is the only way to go. Don’t waste too much energy trying to impress him or her with your cooking skills. when it pulls off the bone but does not fall off it. savours the saltiness of each potato chip. rolled up. for culinary seduction to work. There is an old saying: “To invite a person to your house is to take charge of his or her happiness as long as he or she is beneath your roof. the pleasures of the table have been intertwined with our enjoyment of the person with whom we enjoy it. Keep the food simple. and a little bit of crunch keeps the senses excited. hidden beneath juicy flesh. lifts a glass of wine and smells it with the eyes closed. Anything that has a little bit of salty tang. If your intent is to “wow!” your date.” Since the beginning of time. their hardness.

thereby reducing the sensory appeal of the food to a concept that is so well known it can be dismissed. fling bits of food pieces and let them fall strategically on the body. dynamic entity. Dessert should ideally be served plain or with anything that can be wiped away or licked away. This awareness requires you to suspend the mind’s automatic tendency to halt the process of exploration by “naming” familiar foods as sweet. Examine it fully. Whisper suggestive comments. especially accompanied with good conversation. notice the various colours of the foods and the variety of textures and shapes and what each contributes to the food. which is why you should probably cook the meal together. Take time to tease. open yourself up to how the food presents itself in any given moment. In the best of all possible worlds. Pay attention to the physical sensation of the food against your hand—texture. and so on. broaden your awareness to include your sense of touch. coax and play with every single sense. pungent. take a deep breath and smell the food. Feed each other while you cook. etc. Close your eyes and take a moment to savour the smell of the individual flavours. firmness. Open your eyes and look carefully at each item. can boost the odds that sparks will start flying. A jointly-prepared meal. That is the easy part. The hard part is that there are not many foods in “polite” society that you can dig in exuberantly with your fingers. Next. . noting whatever it is that appeals to you about its appearance. . temperature. paint each other with melted butter (not when it’s hot). Allow all your thoughts or feelings about the food to register. This means seeing food as a living. Be spontaneous and do unexpected things. Bring the food close to your mouth and prepare to take a bite. Instead. The instant your fingers touch the food. Start with the visual appeal of the food. you can peak your date’s imagination with a lasting impact.the alchemy of the sensuous gourmet sure it’s finger-licking good. or sour. You may also detect a shift in temperature around your lips as © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 157 . Freeing up your capacity for sensuousness lifts you above the mundane . salty. don’t rush anything. When it comes to eating.

except for some foods that might require all the five fingers and the palm. allow your eyes to drink in the beauty of its colour as well as the general appearance of your glass. sound. Your sense of touch is part of the wine-drinking experience.the alchemy of the sensuous gourmet you bring the food close to your mouth. with sufficient desire. play it upon your lips. and feeling. that eating with your fingers isn’t a license to poor eating manners. Keep in mind that. Wine is the favourite alcoholic drink for most people because it is the world’s most romanticized beverage. Depending on how far along mutual attraction has gone. Pull gently at your food. Before the wine even touches your lips. Chew thoroughly to release all the different tastes in the food so you can fully experience the taste while allowing yourself time to enjoy the feeling of the food’s texture. . . anything you are about to put in your mouth at any time can be made into an erotic experience. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 158 . Appreciate the gentle swirl of pouring the wine and the aroma it creates. lick up the juices. strive to appreciate the wine with all your senses— sight. smell. as part of the whole experience. Drinking wine is an adventure and just as with food. keep the amount of alcohol to a minimum. but its combined effect on the taste buds and nasal receptors. placing food directly into his or her mouth with your fingers can stir up bigger and better things . a rich lingering mouth-filling flavour of a freshly brewed cup of coffee is just as equally thoroughly sensuous. Whenever your mind wanders off your plate and away from your partner. peel with fingers. Remember though. Always have clean hands and eat with your fingers without getting them all messy. Never lose eye contact with your dining partner. If you are not into wines. notice where it’s gone and gently bring it back to your dining partner. feel the tongue literally tingle while the food lingers long enough to be swept away by the tongue. taste. A savvy diner delicately uses only three fingers to eat. remember that wine’s flavour isn’t just about its sensation on the tongue. As you take your first sip. touch. If you choose to drink alcoholic drinks. suck out the centers.

the alchemy of the sensuous gourmet Your body is bristling with sensory receptors—God’s gift to humankind— it’s up to you to responsibly enjoy it. celebrate it with yourself and with each other. Give yourself the permission to really celebrate what you have inside. full interaction gourmet moments—or if you missed the “sexual innuendo” in this last chapter of the book—then maybe you seriously need a dating coach! © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 159 . One last piece of advice. if your mojo isn’t working during these multisensuous.

everything in the world is inhabited by spirit. experiencing. we all have the ability to naturally slide into ecstasy or “fly” into the realms that spirits inhabit and to experience these “other worlds” with all the senses of the ordinary physical realm. One doesn’t try to be spiritual. and sharing body and spirit with another. When spirituality is ignored. it is also a self-reflective process rooted in the concept of surren© 2007 Christine Akiteng page 160 .” A life lived on earth with a conscious effort to connect spirit and physical form is a life fully lived. The sex act is one of the most powerful tests of self-knowledge and interpersonal power in the African epistemological universe. These two are inseparable. The sexual union between a man and woman is believed to be a beautiful thing because it whets our appetite for creating life—physically and spiritually. Every time we have sexual intercourse there is a potential for a child to be conceived. As spirit and matter. and when physicality is denied.APPENDIX: SEDUCTION AND RITUAL COURTSHIP (AFRICAN STYLE) A fricans have very ancient cultures passed on from generation to generation for thousands of years. African erotic cultures are characterized by a fiery passion to experience sexual union as often as is possible. The sexual act also whets our appetite for exploring. physicality is misused. The African understanding of sexual awareness is more than about sexual pleasure. . But when spirituality and physicality are nurtured as inseparable. In the teachings of traditional African cultures. we experience “heaven on earth. spirituality is misused. Spirituality and physicality are meant to go together. a potential for a spirit-soul to come down from the spirit world of souls into this physical world. we’re all essentially spirits with a physical form. not on abstaining from it . . he or she just is.

to teach them all the ways of adulthood. young and old. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 161 . Coming of age rituals begin at ages ranging from 12–18 years and can last up to five years. Girls and boys are often taken out of the community. While in a non-threatening environment. have the “permission” to be openly sexual in a culturally acceptable way . . unpredictable. and closer to the primal forces of nature. pleasure or expression of sexual desire for religious purposes.” a selective kind of sexual abstinence in which one withdraws or withholds from certain sexual practices in order to heighten other particular senses while completing a task or undertaking. In many traditional African societies men and women. These are choices that one makes consciously. values. highly energized. Parents and close family members are fully responsible for sexual education at the child’s early age. the community is responsible for their sexual education to ensure that they have sexually fulfilling lives. uncertain. and inherited abilities to understand the intricate nature of sexual relationships. away from the concerns of everyday life. one’s purpose in life and contribution to society. They are exposed to rigorous studies of the self. and thoughts—(Who am I? What is the meaning of my existence? What do I have within me to achieve my life’s purpose? How do I know the truth? How do I know when I’ve stepped out of harmony with who I truly am? Etc. Similarly the African understanding of “sexual union” is not always about “sexual penetration” but about extending and experiencing the flow of raw sexual or erotic energy using all of our senses. Sexual abstinence (no sexual intercourse) is not equated to “chastity” in which an individual chooses to deliberately abstain from any sexual union. the initiates are guided to uncover their sense of self and to examine their beliefs. but as boys and girls reach puberty. The community hands over this responsibility for adolescent sexual education to same-gender elders selected for their position in the community. An individual can enter a “sex fast.). their erotic experience. Sexual expression and enjoyment is not something that simply happens when a young man or woman reaches a certain chronological age. .appendix: seduction and ritual courtship (african style) der—surrender to the facets of ourselves that are more unruly. spontaneous.

fun. grace. The curriculum of the rites of passage for girls is centered on selfawareness. endurance. Their sexual “how to” education includes knowledge about “medicinal plants. feigned pain. things like.” ideas about sexual prowess.appendix: seduction and ritual courtship (african style) Before joining the adult community. “You are so much in love with me. and “sex-fasts”—rituals of abstinence used to heighten the senses. laughter. mutual teasing such as addressing each other as “heartthrob. disgust.” etc. Knowledge in the elements of sexual performance is given and demonstrated in an explicit manner. Their education also includes the “how to” of sex. they also learn about the changes happening in their minds and bodies as well as the responsibilities that come with those changes. Their “pleasure” education includes how to emotionally and physically prepare themselves for intercourse and includes such practices as clitoris elongation and massage. and social responsibility.” “husband. in all cases. And boys say to girls. you can’t sleep at night”. taking care of. dear wife?”. and incense that heighten sexual pleasure. jingling. This knowledge is. engaging in petty altercations.” Girls say to boys. moral instruction. rules and taboos of the society.” Boys learn a masculine cockiness whose discourse is centered on protecting. Girls and boys move away from playing with their own sexual peers to exploring relationships with the opposite gender—playing pranks. beads. joyfulness. masturbation (looking for the bean in the oil as they call it). and not to be shared with the uninitiated or “outsiders. “You are all talk but when it comes to it you cannot even keep it up for half the night. and defining one’s sexual identity and assertiveness. and giving pleasure to women. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 162 . the use of tantalizing. “Have you fed our baby?”. scents.” etc. “Even my snake knows you because it raises its head whenever it sees you.” or “wife. and anger.” “sweetheart. and dignity. “You look at me and wish you could have me but all you can do is just look”. and jangling sexual movements enhanced with musical sounds. Girls also learn about culturally prescribed coital positions and art of lovemaking. body decorations. considered sacred and secret. “Would you mind preparing my dinner tonight. The months immediately following initiation into adulthood are a time of exploration.

and/or light leaping movements. Dances begin at dusk when the drum that summons the dancers is sounded. or in a chief’s or elder’s compound. and from dance to dance within one culture. In other dances. boys and girls alternate dancing inside the circle while the opposite sex admires their dance moves. A dancer is rated primarily on his or her ability to stamp out the rhythm of the drum with his or her feet and to follow the musical rhythm of the song with the simultaneous use of the torso and shoulders. The dances take place during the full moon in a special arena cleared for the occasion. These are settings in which young people ages 12–18 are allowed (more like expected) to explore seductive and flirtatious communication that includes silent speech and suggestive and provocative dance moves. or in a line following a circular path with the drummers in the middle.appendix: seduction and ritual courtship (african style) The relationship between young men and women becomes more physical because of their engagement in co-ed wrestling and stage-acted fighting routines and riddling games meant to express wit and sexuality. Characteristic rhythmic patterns vary from culture to culture. with the dancers facing the centre. these are special occasions that require a lot of preparation—plaiting the hair. For every young person. individuals step into the circle one after the other. but the common feature in all cultures is the simultaneous rhythmic body articulation. decorating the body with ornaments. The dance itself is performed in a circle. The drummers and other dancers respond to a good performance by a lively chorus usually laden with erotic innuendo. and so forth. and the rapid vibrations or twists of the buttocks and pelvis. footstamping. In some dances. sometimes called moonlight dances or mating dances. I remember one particular song in my birth language which when translated into English goes something like this: Solo: I was in my house and would have liked to stay But he [drummer] has come and wants to discuss the matter in public © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 163 . Young men and women also learn culturally acceptable sexual expression and public sexual contact through formalized flirtation and seduction dance ceremonies. whitening the teeth using certain roots.

. maybe . Each dancer then steps into the circle and completes the sentence with erotic motions and movement that mirror and reflect an evolving identity and personality. . It’s not © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 164 . A man will dance with a woman. and as he or she ripples with imaginative erotic movements and overall bodily experience. The sensuous abandon leaves little to the imagination as the dancer flirts with his or her audience with the use of the eyes. Humans will dance with domesticated animals. I would like to sing But the wall of earth that surrounds me prevents me Someone has forced me to come out of my hole—so I will sing I am like the dog that stays before the door until he gets a bone You have forced me to come when the sun has set We shall still be here when the sun rises Nobody goes both ways at the same time You have told me this and you have told me that Surely one of the two must be wrong That is why I am here [The others then join with a chorus] Chorus: Is something bothering you? Why not step in the circle? Is something itching you? Why not appease the throb? See what will happen. Who knows. an African will dance with no one at all except him or herself. Women will dance with women. And most of the time. Children will dance with elders.appendix: seduction and ritual courtship (african style) So I have left my house and that is why you see me here I am like a cricket. A dancing African is not at all concerned about what he or she looks like when dancing or with whom he or she is dancing with. expressing individual freedom and pent-up emotions. Men will dance with men.

Even the most reluctant observer testifies to the hopelessness of resistance once the “heart throbs like a native drum. especially those who have gone through the erotic education of rites of passage at puberty. or to “lose control. In this context. Your chest begins to expand. Surrender. These rituals are based on the philosophy that says that when we are most truly vulnerable. something that is taught from the day a child is born because it is believed that without the required skill to artfully do so. and free to follow the intuitive and spontaneous erotic impulses of our hearts and souls. feelings. we would ”lose control” rebelliously. . and sometimes has to be woken up with some kind of rude reality. And when ecstasy grips. It enters your bones and you just give up. the intensity of true erotic yearnings. re- © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 165 . It spreads throughout the body and you begin to move. blindly. You feel it in your heart. abandon. cheers. but more like a hypnotic “lock and grind” that generates plenty of electricity and pulls in all those around. and bedroom tricks. the dancer is transported into another world. more trusting. it would only reinforce our fear of abandon and surrender. clapping. young people go through rituals and dances that help them learn how to skilfully and deliberately surrender or loosen up—turning oneself over to the power of the unknown and unknowable. It is only by entering this door of helpless surrender that we discover true intimacy. we are more of ourselves. steering us away from the ability to really enjoy life. How can you resist something more powerful than yourself? Dancers learn to heighten their senses and focus their sexual energy to achieve a state of ecstasy . Africans. The tempo of the drumming. During the rites of passage. If we get hurt during such times. desires. more open.” is an art in African cultures. recklessly. and dangerously. and ululations all combine to bring the dancer into an ecstatic state.” It’s like one is drawn in by an omnipotent will.appendix: seduction and ritual courtship (african style) a strip tease. and the level of awareness of what he or she is doing during periods of sexual expression is much more crucial than all the tactile manoeuvres. techniques. and impulses. . singing.

laughing. the art of seduction. and screaming euphorically. songs easily become a battle of the sexes. are attributes that make one stand out. During the dance. from time to time. In many traditional African societies. But some young men are not repelled by this kind of sisterly bonding and will continue to approach. boys and girls are strictly forbidden to engage in penetrative sex until they are properly initiated into adult status.appendix: seduction and ritual courtship (african style) port sobbing loudly. or “blanking out” during peak sexual pleasure. and a confident and cheerful personality gets the boys all wound up. turn into sexual seduction. stroking and caressing. Boys on the other hand.” is in knowing that inside oneself. . There may be affectionate petting. there is goodness (more like sweetness than goodness) which one unlimitedly and unconditionally offers to another person. and the effective way of transmitting sexual energy and attracting attention in order to be chosen by the opposite sex. eye or soul-gazing. boys and girls step aside into the less lit corners. This stops the young man from singling out any particular one girl as his target for teasing. laughing hysterically. one performance is followed by another. but sexual intercourse is not supposed to take place— well. There are songs and dances to court lovers as well as songs to insult rivals . and in most cases. only to come back and join the dance. The girls then mockingly strike back by tightly knitting their arms around one another’s waists. It is at times like these that girls and boys practice what they’ve been taught about erotic rituals. sending the girls running away. During the breaks when drummers change to dancers and other dancers take over the drumming. playfulness and cockiness. either in groups or pairs. sometimes it does. Girls learn that showing off healthy skin and childbearing hips. Many cultures have what is accepted or permissi- © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 166 . dance towards the girls flaunting his hips or pelvis. Part of the great feeling that comes with the inner awareness that says “I want you to know who and what I am all about. Some daring and overly selfconfident young man will inevitably. learn that physical fitness and flexibility. Over the course of the night. .

A boy or girl who disrespects the family name with unacceptable behaviour is heavily punished. penetrative sex is believed to be harmful mainly because the girl will get pregnant out of wedlock. Enabling the sexes to meet on neutral ground. and purported romantic liaisons all provide individual and interactive challenges. punishment can be anything from scolding. constant body contact. something that is considered a severe disgrace to her family status. Unfortunately.appendix: seduction and ritual courtship (african style) ble as adolescent or “immature sex” and what is considered adult or mature sex. the more respectful young men are towards her. social development. and contribute to personal maturation. and spiritual enrichment. Usually brothers and cousins monitor their sisters or cousins to make sure no sexual intercourse takes place and also to make sure no young man tries to force them into doing anything against their will. Adolescents may be permitted to engage in all forms of sexual pleasure except penetrative sex. Contemporary or “modern” African societies mostly concentrated in urban centers and townships have adopted the culture of “passing the buck” with reference to the social institutions that ought to take care of children and undertake sexual education in the early years of de© 2007 Christine Akiteng page 167 . The more respected and feared a girl’s brothers and cousins are. tends to remove some of the secrecy and unhealthy curiosity that is part of the mental transition from the self-contained experience of early youth to the new awareness of the new polarity of the sexes. In many cultures. openly and respectably. traditional systems of sexual education are quickly disappearing and many young people today get little or no meaningful sexual induction. Depending on the gravity of the crime. Parents and elders as a whole do not interfere with the flirtations of their children. Teen competitiveness. These mating dances are often fruitful arenas for initiating relationships— traditional dating agencies as it were—supervised by elderly persons experienced in such affairs. They provide an individual a level of confidence and exuberance that comes from a healthy sexual attitude and a healthy sexual life. Some parents may sit at a distance and watch for socially unacceptable behaviour. to spanking with a leather whip.

This is a call for all of us. grinding and bumping with him or her on the dance floor. and from their peers. In the end. while the church. and bonking each other senseless—all within an hour. feelings.” adolescence to adulthood passage rites are being replaced with getting a driver’s license. the child gets no proper instruction. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 168 . all over the globe. to wake up. on television. and replaced them with the “modern” quick. subtle arts of flirtation and charm that our ancestors have used successfully for thousands of years. This serves as a means by which they define their sexual identities and behaviours. The family passes the responsibility to the school. and bodily responses. and ignorance and repressed sexual uptightness on the other. Many are sexually confused.appendix: seduction and ritual courtship (african style) velopment. anxious. direct strikes—punching his or her number into the cell phone. and to begin to heal ourselves towards a healthy sexuality. Most of what many African children raised in urban and sub-urban Africa know about sex is from the little sexual information they come across in books. the school to the church. As Africa becomes more “modernized. passes it back to the family. Similar cultural stories are being written in other parts of the world. or getting laid. and insecure. getting drunk. see where we’ve fallen away. rubbing his shoulders or her feet. in turn. people all over the world. Young people are growing up uneasy and uncomfortable about their bodies and most are out of touch with their sexual thoughts. reflect. Many modern Africans have discarded the slow. Formal schools and universities in modern Africa are often centres of even greater sexual recklessness and promiscuity on the one hand.

Spiegel. & K. Fox. Visual Cognition 12 (1): 1–11. 2000. Amsterdam. K. B. Riva. A. R. eds. Wendy. Washington.. Navratil. Rusk. Grammer. New York: Viking. DC: IOS Press. R.REFERENCES Anolli. & G. The social animal. Nagao. A. E. Psychological Science. 2005. Ciceri. Tom. DC: IOS Press. The power of ethical persuasion. 11: 274–279. but some say magazine covers are going too far.. K. 2000. Bock. Griffin. Elaine. & L. February 2. R. 2002. Ciceri. Z. Attitudes as knowledge structures and persuasion as a specific case of subjective knowl© 2007 Christine Akiteng page 169 . L. & M. 1998. Amygdalae. Thompson.. Takeuchi. Amsterdam. Kruck. W. 2000. Say not to say: new perspectives on miscommunication. 66. The role of visual processes in modulating social interactions. Seductive communication: Paradoxical exhibition. New York: Freeman. 2002. 1993.P.. Ciceri. The courtship dance: Patterns of nonverbal synchronization in opposite-sex encounters. 2005. Journal of Nonverbal Behaviour 22 (1): 3–29. Washington. L.. M. & S. S. ed.. What the eyes say about speaking. & K. In Say not to say: new perspectives on miscommunication. In ACM/IFIP INTERCHI 1993: 187–193. 1993. E. Riva. Anolli. 101–105. obliquity and nonverbal synchronization.. R. Chicago Tribune. Kruglanski. auras. and affective facial expressions [Abstract]. Palermo. Magnusson. 6th ed. R. Communicative facial displays as a new conversational modality. & G. Miller. Australian Journal of Psychology: Supplement: 57. 1991. Read all about it sex sells. Aronson.

J. 59–96. Awakening intuition. In Why we evaluate: Functions of attitudes. Garden City. & G.M. © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 170 .R. Vaughan. ed.references edge. Olson. 1997. Frances E. NY: Anchor Books. Mahvah. Maio. NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

com © 2007 Christine Akiteng page 171 .ABOUT THE AUTHOR Christine Akiteng Internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and Author of more than 100 popular dating and relationships Internet articles. warm and down-to-earth persona immediately puts people at ease and makes them feel understood and appreciated. Christine Akiteng was born and raised among the Karimojong. East Africa. visit her website: www. respect for other people and their views. active conscience.torontosnumber1datedoctor. To learn more about Christine and her work. A zealous coach and author with an enthusiasm and inspirational energy that pulls people to her. Christine has helped hundreds of men and women realize their dreams for love. Her clarity of thought. infectious good humor. fiercely independent cattle keeping semi-nomadic warrior people of North-Eastern Uganda.

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