The Best Barroom Jokes Ever!

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The Best Barroom Jokes Every Get Ready to Groan With this saucy selection …

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The Best Barroom Jokes Ever! __________________________________________________________________

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Silly Job ads Wanted Insurance loss adjuster. Apply to Mr. Risk Wanted alcoholics anonymous manager. Apply to Mustafa Beer Wanted Curtain maker. Contact Mrs. Sash Wanted Rabbit hutch repairman. Applications to Warren. Wanted Golf course grounds man See Mr Green.

Sun Burn A man falls asleep on the beach under the mid-day sun and suffers severe sunburn to his legs. He’s taken to hospital and by the time he gets there his skin has turned bright red. Anything that touches his legs causes him tremendous pain. The doctor takes a long look at him and then prescribes: intravenous feeding of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. The nurse is astounded and asks, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" ”Simple”, replies the doctor, "It will keep the sheet off his legs."

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Save money! A man worked hard all of his life and had saved his money. In fact, he loved money so much that just before he died, he asked his wife to “Put the money in the casket with me, because I want to take it with me to the afterlife." His wife made a solemn promise and said, “Sure. I’ll put all of the money in the casket” Well the day of his death arrived. He was stretched out in the casket. The wife was sitting there in black and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait a minute!” She had a box with her. She went over to the casket and put the box in. The undertakers locked the casket lid down, and they rolled it away. Her friend was amazed and said "You weren't fool enough to put all that money in there?” The widow replied, "Listen, I m a Christian, I can't lie. I promised him solemnly that I would put the money in that casket" "All of it?" "Sure", said the wife. "I wrote him a cheque."

Puddles A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He puts them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom. There’s an awkward silence so the bartender tries to make small talk with the ducks. He asks the first duck, "What's your name?" "Huey," replies the duck. "How's your day been?" "Oh, I've had a great day," replies Huey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day." The bartender asks the second duck, "What's your name?" "Duey," replies the duck. "How's your day been?" "Oh, I've had a great day," replies Duey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day." The bartender says to the third duck, "I guess your name is Louie?" The duck replies, "No, I'm Puddles."

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Taxi One rainy night, a taxi driver spots an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolls to a stop, a figure leaps into the cab and slams the door. Checking his rear view mirror, he is startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammers. "Union Station," answers the woman. "Ok" he says, taking a long glance in the mirror. The woman catches him staring and asks, "What the hell are you looking at?" "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." The woman spreads her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiles at the driver and says, "Does *THIS* answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asks, "Got anything smaller?"

Tennis Balls Whilst jogging in the park a man finds a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slips it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stops at the pedestrian crossing. While waiting for the lights to change, a girl standing next to him eyes the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asks, her eyes gleaming with lust. "A Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh God" says the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

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Italian Spelling Bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting in front of them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

Kiss, Kiss … A married couple are in a terrible accident and the woman's face is severely burned. The doctor tells the husband that they can’t graft any skin from her body, as she is too skinny. The husband heroically offers to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that is suitable has to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agree that they will tell no one where the skin came from and go ahead with the graft. After the surgery is complete, everyone is astounded at the woman's beauty. All her friends and relatives just go on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she is alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She says, "My dear husband I want to thank you for everything you have done for me. There is no way I can ever repay you." "My darling wife," he replies, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss your cheek."

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Typewriter A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter." One day the husband tells his fiveyear-old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child tells her mom what her dad said and her mother responds, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child tells her father, returns to her mother and announces, "Daddy says never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Bride A nervous young bride becomes irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimands him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she shouts, "just as I do at the dinner table." Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothes his rumpled hair and climbs quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asks, with a hint of a smile. "Yes," replies the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispers. "Now would you be so kind as to pass the pussy?"

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Pub Two guys are in the pub discussing their latest sexual conquests. The first guy says he pulled a girl last week and they agreed to go back to his house and have sex. Once in the house the girl strips off, lies down the bed legs apart and pants, "I want you to give me twelve inches and make me bleed." The second guy not for one moment believing his mate was that well hung asked what he did. "Well" he says, "What could I do - I shagged her twice and smacked her in the face!"

Just words A guy goes to a tattoo parlour and asks the owner if he would tattoo the words 'yes' and 'no' onto his penis. The owner agrees. When the job is complete pays and leaves. That night, the man strips off his pants and shorts, and proudly shows the new tattoo to his wife. "What do you think of my new tattoo... great, isn't it?" His wife replies, "You tell me how to cook, you tell me how to clean, you tell me how to drive the car, and now you’re trying to put words in my mouth!"

Snow Sassy Sadie, the bar bird says: "Sex is like snow! You never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last!"

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Sandwiches A guy and this girl want to have sex. So, they go to the girl's house but before entering her room, the girl stops and says, "My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bed and I do not want her to knowing what we are doing. So when I say, 'Baloney,' it means push harder, and when I say, 'Pastrami,' it means push softer." With this, the two get onto the top bunk and have sex. First, the girl moans, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!" Then, she shouts, "Pastrami! Pastrami! Pastrami!" Then, she changes back to, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!" Finally, the girl's sister yells, "Will you quit making sandwiches up there? I’m covered in mayonnaise!"

No peeking A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. She dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. After the wedding, the bride and groom entered their hotel room. The groom was a little self- conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!" She exclaimed. Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

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Girl friends A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face." James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!!" "Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice... "Oh really, I can't," he replies..."My wife loves this beard!!" The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"

Blind date The blind date was a fiasco from the start but the guy was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it. The moment of truth came at the end of the evening as the guy clutched the girl's thigh and whispered, "How's about coming to my place so I can slip you nine inches?" There was a moment of silence, and then the girl replied, "You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times in a row!"

The organ A guy picks up a girl in a bar and takes her home. After a few drinks and some chat, they get undressed and climb into bed. A few minutes pass and then the girl started laughing. The guy asks, “What’s so funny?” "Your organ," she says, "It's a bit on the small side." A little hurt he replies: "True. But, it's not used to playing in cathedrals."

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That condom moment A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son. They walk by the condom display and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh," replied the boy. "Yes I've heard of that in health class at school." He picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for? "Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replies, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for...

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