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Yet More Jokes

Yet More Jokes

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Yet More Jokes

Yet More Jokes Get Ready to Groan With this Saucy selection …

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1/00 June 2002 http://Gasonga.com/

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Yet More Jokes

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Yet More Jokes
New job A businessman is interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devises a simple test to select the most suitable candidate for the job. He asks each applicant the question, "What is two and two?" The first applicant is a journalist. His answer is "twenty-two." The second applicant is an engineer. He pulls out a calculator and shows the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person is a lawyer. He states that in the case of Jenkins v. Simpson, two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant is an accountant. The businessman asks him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant gets up from his chair goes over to the door and closes it. After sitting down he leans across the desk and asks, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job.

Silly job ads Wanted Dog Walkers, Must be able to take the lead.

Faulty Taillight "How long have you been driving without a tail light?" demanded the Policeman. The driver jumped out of his car and ran to the rear of his vehicle. “O God NO!” The driver’s distress was so great that the cop decided to ease up on him. "Aw, come now," said the cop, "Don't take it so hard. It isn't that serious." "It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Where’s my boat and trailer?"

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Salesman scam, something for nothing? A travelling salesman is about to check in at a hotel when he notices a very charming lady giving him the eye. In a very causal manner he walks over and speaks to her as though he has known her all his life. After a few moments both walk back to the check-in-desk and register as Mr. and Mrs. Smith. After a three-day stay the salesman walks up to the desk and tells the clerk that he is checking out. The clerk gives him his bill for £3,000. "There must be a mistake here!" The salesman protests. "I’ve been here only three days." "That’s right" The clerk replies, "But your wife has been here a month."

Lawyers A lawyer walks into a courtroom, places his satchel on the floor, and says "Your Honour, I rest my case." Unfortunately, he was thrown in jail for showing the judge his briefs.

Shakespeare A Shakespearian actor is on stage when an insect lands on him and stings him. The insect flies off and the actor carries on. A moment later, another insect lands on him and stings him. When he gets off stage he wants to know what’s stung him, so he asks the crew, "Two Bees or not to Bees, That is the question"

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Is it Male or Female? Item Swiss army knife Decision Male Reason Even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time opening bottles. They always go to the bathroom in pairs. It goes bald and is often over-inflated. To get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it . . . And, of course it’s full of hot air. They are soft and squeezable and retain water. It’s always getting hit on. It’s usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. Once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It’s an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pressed, and it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pressed. They hold everything in, but you can always see straight through them. It uses the same old lines to pick people up. It hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. It gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to press, he keeps trying.

Kidneys Tire Hot air balloon

Female Male Male

Sponges

Female

Web page Shoe

Female Male

Copier

Female

Ziploc bags

Male

Subway Hammer

Male Male

Remote control

Female

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More Q & A Q: What has 100 teeth and can hold back a huge monster? A: My zipper. Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? A: It only takes one nail to hang the picture. Q: What did God say after creating man? A: "I can do better." Q: What did he say after he created woman? A: "Guess I was wrong!" Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control? A: A trip without the kids Q: What do you call a planetarium in the basement? A: A stellar cellar Q: What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do? A: A bored Board. Q: What do you call an escaped gander? A: A Loose Goose Q: What do you call a shady place to swim? A: A cool pool Q: What do you call a female duck disguised as a male? A: A fake drake

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My Confession A young man enters the confessional box and says, "Farther, I’ve had sex with two eighteen year old nymphomaniac twins every night of this week" “Disgusting! What kind of Catholic are you?" Reprimands priest. "I'm not a Catholic,” replies the young man. "Then why are you telling me this?" say the priest. "Hey I’m telling everyone!”

The Japanese tourist A Japanese tourist goes into an Australian bank to cash some travellers cheques. He is offered 85 yen to the dollar. The tourist shouts, "85 yen! That's robbery. Yesterday I get 80 yen to the dollar. Why do you do this?" "Fluctuations", explains the Manager. "No! Fluck you Australians!" shouts the tourist. "I go somewhere else!"

It's Illegal Five Belgians in an Audi Quattro arrive at the French border. The French Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro." "Oh, no, Quattro is just the name of the automobile. Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons”, protests the driver. "You can't pull that one on me," replies the customs agent. "Quattro means 4!" "Oh, god you are so stupid! Call your supervisor!", requests the driver. "Sorry No”, say the customs man, “He’s busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat Uno.

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Five Kinds Of Sex No Type 1 Smurf Sex. 2 Kitchen Sex. Description This happens during the honeymoon. You both keep at it until you're blue in the face. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen while she's trying to wash the dishes. You've calmed down a bit. Have kids, so you’ve got to do it in the bedroom. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "F*** you!" This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

3 4 5

Bedroom Sex. Hallway Sex. Courtroom Sex.

Problems, Problems. A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you got to help me!" "What's your problem?" asks the Doc “Every morning I wake up with my morning flagpole... I give the missus a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbour's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride. Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good bonking. For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing. Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the missus another screw...” "So" asked the Doc. "What's your problem?" The guy replies, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"

Y2K Jelly Have you heard, the creators of KY Jelly have produced a new product? It's called Y2K Jelly. Why's it so special? Well, it allows you to get four digits in your date instead of two!

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Little Willy Little Willy keeps disrupting his third grade class by farting loudly. So his teacher keeps him behind after school and insists on knowing why. Willy says, "I do it, because I can do it better than anyone else!” The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?" Little Willy agrees. The teacher places two sheets of paper on the floor, and covers them with equal amounts of chalk dust. Willy drops his pants, squats over the paper and farts. He blows all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher drops her knickers, lifts her skirt, squats and farts. When she finished and there is not a trace of chalk dust in sight. Willy is amazed and asks if he can see her do it again. She is willing and repeats the process. But this time Willy peeks up her skirt. "No wonder you won!" he exclaims indignantly, "You've got a DoubleBarrel!"

Yard word A guy gets into his grubbiest clothes on a Saturday morning and sets about all the chores his wife has been hassling him to do for weeks. He cleans the garage, prunes the hedge, and is halfway through mowing the lawn when a very attractive woman pulls up in her car. She yells out of her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?" The guy thinks for a minute and answers, "The lady that lives here lets me sleep with her."

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Top Ten Rejection Lines Given By Women. No 1 2 3 4 Reason I think of you as a brother There's a slight difference in our ages I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. My life is too complicated right now What it really means You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing dude in Deliverance I don't want to play with my dad.

5

6

7 8

9 10

You’re the most ugly bastard I've ever laid eyes on. I don’t want you spending the whole night as you might hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing. I've got a boyfriend I’d rather spend the night with the TV and a half-gallon tub of Ben and Jerry's. I don't date men where I work I wouldn't date you if you were the only guy in the country let alone the same building. It's not you, it's me It's you! I'm concentrating on my career Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you. I'm celibate Or I’d rather be than sleep with you. Let's be friends I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.

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Top Ten Rejection Lines Given By Men. No 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Reason I think of you as a sister. There's a slight difference in our ages I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. My life is too complicated right now. I've got a girlfriend I don't date women where I work It's not you, it's me What it really means You're ugly You're butt ugly You're ugly and you’re making me feel sick thinking about it. You're ugly. But stick around 10 beers might change my view! And she’s better looking than you. Do I look desperate? I’ve got a hang over and can’t drink the required amount of beer for you to look anything but ugly. My secretary is better looking than you and I’m seeing her tonight. Get lost its football in TV tonight. I need some laundry doing would you mind doing it?

8

I'm concentrating on my career. I'm celibate. Let's be friends.

9 10

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Advice For Men While Golfing 10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. Form a loose grip. Keep your head down. Avoid a quick back swing. Stay out of the water. Try not to hit anyone. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you. Don't stand directly in front of others. Quiet please! While others are preparing to go. Don't take extra strokes.

Opps, Wrong list this is how to Peeing In Public list.

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Men are like... Men are like... place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table. Men are like... mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like... bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise just look silly. Men are like... government bonds. They take so long to mature. Men are like... parking spots. All the good ones are taken. Men are like... copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. Men are like... lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. Men are like... bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. Men are like... high heels. They are easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. Men are like... miniskirts. If you are not careful, they'll creep up your legs. End

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