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Published by Lindsay Hogan

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Published by: Lindsay Hogan on Nov 10, 2011
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12/05/2015

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Session 2/14 Lindsay Hogan Why do you assume that I'm happy the Tylenol didn't kill me?

I was supposed to die. I failed. The only reason I told my parents is that I thought nothing happened. I don't regret swallowing sixty tablets. Now I'm surrounded by psychos. How the hell is this supposed to help me? This is a temporary fix, at best. I won't ever be normal. I give myself a year. At most. I know how I'll do it next time. How I'll kill myself. And I won't fail. How did I survive anyway? The ER doctors didn't even believe me when I told them how much I took. I shouldn't have lived. It was 30,000 milligrams of Tylenol. You said anything above 3,000 is dangerous. Why am I alive? This is ridiculous. I don't believe in God. This isn't some second chance, please don't tell me that. I stopped crying, at least. I really hate hospitals. I want to be back at school with Jordan. We'll fall in love. I know it. I already love him even though we've only talked three times. Yeah, it's a "love addiction", I know. My stomach hurts. Can I have some Tylenol? Three of the nurses have already made fun of me for asking. They're supposed to be professionals... You're the only one is competent here. Seriously. I thin I smell. I probably do. I'm not wearing a bra. I hate not wearing a bra. These gowns are absolutely humiliating. I'm parading around wearing next to nothing. At least tomorrow I can wear my regular clothes. Maybe Jordan does like me. But why didn't he respond to my facebook message? Maybe he never saw it. Or else he thinks I'm a loser. I know I shouldn't care. But I do. I talked to Phil a little while ago. He's a placeholder boy. I don't really like him but I don't want to end things with him. We finally had sex last weekend. I thought it would never happen. I know. It's a "love addiction". I'm surrounded by lunatics now. How much longer will I live for? I know how I'm going to do it next time. But I'm not going to tell you. I'm starving. But hospital food is a shit show. Everyone knows that. I didn't tell the nurse about the scars on my leg, side, and breast. I figure the ones on my arms were enough. She got the idea. Chapstick. I need some. I'm not going to make friends here. The last two times I was on psych units I was such an actress. I pretended to be okay so I could get out as soon as possible. I even convinced myself that I was better. this is the last time I'll be in the hospital. Either I recover or I die. I know that's kind of dramatic, but I'm not stupid. I was dancing on the edge. The wind is screaming out there. Oh, Happy Valentine's Day, Jordan. My stomach really hurts. And I'm lightheaded. My mom slipped me some Effexor but not the full dose I'm on. I haven't taken most of my meds since Saturday. The nurses here are completely incompetent. It's pathetic. I was going to try to fool you into thinking I'm a borderline. Most of my doctors think I am because of the scratches on my arms. You would have sent me home. How did you know it's bipolar disorder? It runs in my family. No one has ever caught on so quickly. I'm impressed. Voices. I dreamt last night that I was hearing voices. I probably shouldn't have told you, though. I'm not schizophrenic. I'm just going to focus on Jordan. He e-mailed me back this morning. “Sorry, I'm really inconsistent about checking my e-mail” he wrote. Ha. He was a little late.

They were all mad at me because I couldn't keep a smile on my face. Can you imagine having someone follow you around for two months? She's isn't having a good day today. “Four days.. I'm so angry and sad. For a minute. Look at where I am.” Dylan said. “Scott cut himself again since he's been here. Can I leave now? .. Kind of ridiculous. It can kill. He deserves an easier life. So we sat together quietly. It's hard to be friends with Scott because what he says hurts me so much. time passes slowly here. She skimmed through a book about exercise while eating a pile of crackers. I want him to be okay. God. I don't want to hurt myself anymore. “It's the anniversary. I want something. according to them. Why did she do that? That just made him angry.For the first time it seems a little bit funny that I tried to kill myself because some boy didn't email me back. Rita has been here for two months and six days and she can't even leave the unit. At least it wasn't his whole life. He saw a pigeon fly across the room while we were eating lunch. I want to cry but I can't. And then Josh got involved and said she had no right to question what Dylan said. Why do we do this? It's an addiction. Two and half hours before visiting hours. I want Jordan. It is patient. “How long have you known you are God's son for?” Denise asked. I should have told the nurses about Scott yesterday. I wish things weren't so hard for him. My sisters and my mom visited me around dinner time.. They all kept trying to get me to talk about my feelings. I wasn't trying. He's really smart. Depression eats you from the inside out. I don't understand how Dorsey stayed friends with me.. I imagined how painful it must have been. I love Scott. Still an hour before dinner. They're talking now. He asked me to..” Then I brought her over to him. But that I should have him autograph my Bible. Hmm. I don't want to be selfish anymore. It is deadly. Seems reasonable. Caitlin broke down and cried during the visit. Just in case. I told on Scott earlier. Dylan thinks he is Jesus. I want to leave so badly. He used a plastic knife. That's enough to drive a person off the wall. Sampson is my favorite person in the ward. So leave me alone! I just want to be left alone. it takes over slowly but surely. All I ever do is talk about my feelings. She's on a one-to-one watch. I told the Barbara because she's my favorite nurse. That obnoxious nurse.” she says. I think that means her baby died on Feburary 14st eleven years ago. He went to Yale but you wouldn't know it because of all the hallucinations he has. I want love. Denise. Of course I am trying! I'm in a psychiatric ward. Poor Rita. got really upset with him and told him his thinking was grandiose. It's sad that all the other stuff gets in the way. He's a really good person. No one really knows what to say to her. Cutting away at the flesh to see his own blood. A cutter who doesn't want to stop cutting can always find a way to do it even while being watched. I should have known he would do this. Dad says he is schizophrenic.

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