Miranda Script | Bbc Television Comedy | Entertainment (General)

MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’

MIRANDA
Series 2 Episode 1 – ‘The New Me’
Prog No: 01/CYA A771T TX MASTER - HDS010482 Dur: 28:30 POST BBC COMEDY
MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ 10:00:00 SCENE 1. MIRANDA'S SITTING ROOM. MIRANDA ON HER SOFA, WITH MESSY HAIR AND WEARING AN OLD FLEECE. MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA:) Well hello to you my old chums. What a veritable thrill to see you all again. Particularly you – cheeky. Now let me get you up to speed. Previously in my life... the gorgeous Gary upped his sticks to Hong Kong. Which I’ve been fine about... WE HAVE BEEN PULLING BACK TO REVEAL THE FLAT IN TOTAL DISARRAY, EMPTY WINE BOTTLES, PIZZA BOXES, A PRINGLE PACKET TOWER, ALBUMS OF LOVE SONGS ETC. I mean I don’t think it’s weird making fruit friends. WE REVEAL A BUNCH OF FRUIT, DRESSED UP/PAINTED,ON THE SOFA NEXT TO

PRODUCTION SCRIPT

HER. I mean things only went wrong when I was with Gary anyway. MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ 10:00:24 SCENE 2. STREET (FLASHBACK) GARY, STEVIE, CLIVE AND MIRANDA PILE OUT OF A CAB. STEVIE AND CLIVE HEAD IN WITH GOING OUT ‘WHOOPS’. MIRANDA: Oooh, look’s great. HER WRAP AROUND DRESS GETS STUCK IN THE DOOR AND COMES OFF IN ONE SWIFT MOVEMENT REVEALING BRA AND PANTS. SHE RUNS AFTER THE CAB. THE OTHERS ARE LAUGHING. MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ 10:00:37 SCENE 3. MIRANDA'S SITTING ROOM BACK TO PRESENT MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA:) Say nothing. Ssh please. Yeah. No. I’m fine. Tired, but that’s because I’ve been sleeping on a lilo because my bed broke. Too much action. MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ 10:00:46 Music In SCENE 4. MIRANDA'S BEDROOM (FLASHBACK) MIRANDA IS LEAPING ON HER BED TO S CLUB 7’S ‘REACH FOR THE STARS’ AND WHILST SHE IS BOUNCING ON THE BED, STEVIE IS THROWING HER SWEETS TO CATCH. SHE JUMPS UP AND AS SHE LANDS THE BED BREAKS. 10:00:55 Music Out

MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ 10:00:55 SCENE 5. MIRANDA'S SITTING ROOM MIRANDA: And if I had been down, I definitely turned a corner last night.. MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ 10:00:58 Music In SCENE 6. CLUB/PUB MIRANDA, DRUNK, DOING KARAOKE IN HER PYJAMAS. SINGING DANIEL BEDDINGFIELDS ‘IF YOU’RE NOT THE ONE’. MIRANDA: (SINGING:) Is there any way that I can stay in your arms? IT’S THE REALLY HIGH BIT IN THE SONG. SHOUTS ANGRILY: It’s too high Daniel. And unnaturally high for a man. 10:01:15 Music Out MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ 10:01:15 SCENE 7. MIRANDA'S SITTING ROOM BACK TO PRESENT. MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA:) Right, let’s jolly on with the show. MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ 10:01:18 Music In SCENE 8. OPENING TITLES 10:01:28 Music Out MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’

THE OLD FLEECE WITH STAINS ON IT AND HER HAIR IS A MESS. MIRANDA: Oh. IT SELLS JEWELLERY AND TOPS/NIGHTIES. Wills. your new stock keeps bringing in these posh girls. Oh. MIRANDA COMES DOWNSTAIRS. Hello. STEVIE: (DISGUSTED BY HOW SHE LOOKS:) Oh dear. I’m going to see Hugo. I don’t know what disparaging means. . THERE ARE SOME POSH GIRLS LOOKING AT THE PRODUCTS. Billy and Bella so I need a new trinkety necklace’. MIRANDA: (DEPRESSED:) Hello Stevie. STEVIE: Sorry are you disparaging Stevie’s boutique corner? MIRANDA: No. Milly. STEVIE: Mocking. WITH PRONOUNCED POSH FACE/VOICE: ‘Yup. SHE TURNS AROUND AND IS FACE TO FACE WITH A POSH GIRL. maybe.. THERE’S A LONG MIRROR.10:01:28 SCENE 9. then yes. TRINKETS AND NIKNAKS – OLIVER BONAS-ESQUE. SHOP.. STILL WEARING TRACKSUIT BOTTOMS. SPRAYS AIR FRESHNER MIRANDA: SEEING THE POSH GIRLS. THE SHOP HAS A NEW UPMARKET SECTION LABELLED ‘STEVIE’S CORNER’.

MIRANDA: I have stopped wallowing. HOLDS IT UP STEVIE RUNS ROUND WITH IT STEVIE: Ahh! A lovely postcard.. Stop wallowing. So you won’t want to see Gary's postcard that arrived this morning. what do you mean? I mean this is how I speak. do you need any help at all? (TO CAMERA:) It’s quite tricky. written in Gary’s lovely fair chef like hand...POSH GIRL: Are you making fun of me? MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ MIRANDA: No. Have you looked in a mirror recently? STEVIE: Come on. STEVIE: Good. MIRANDA CHASES STEVIE SHE TRIPS HER UP SO SHE FALLS ONTO BEANBAG MIRANDA: Do you concede? STEVIE: Yes I concede. . (KEEPS TALKING POSH:) no. The lovely chefy hands of lovely chef Gary.. (TO GIRLS:) Anything you’d like to try on? POSH GIRL: No we’re fine thanks STEVIE: Urh. you’ve got to get your act together Miranda. I've told you I've moved on. So umm.

So Queen Kong I bring good tidings of great joy.MIRANDA: (READING:) Thank you.. WHO LOOKS IN. TILLY: You have majorly let yourself go – Slackarooni Cheese. LAUGHS. Aah Stinky. really enjoying life out here so far. you’ll come. Well that’s it. Once LAUGHS do you remember? LAUGHS She imac-ed a squirrel. Yeh. And yes. Love G. MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ TILLY STRUTS IN. lose weight. Seriously. A new me shall reigneth.’ BEAT. MIRANDA TRIES TO ANSWER No hush. was the most brillo head girl ever. MIRANDA: Yeh no I will move on. LAUGHS.. Behold I am woman. Plans all a bit up in the air. Urh. Right well. Both. . I have indeed lost my train of thought. So will you come. ‘Hey. The tramp is me. TILLY: Bonjourno peeps. no hush. But not in a mutanty way.. you’ll come. And Phoenix.. Stevie looks like there’s a tramp in the shop. Will you come? It’s going to be tremendulant. like a phoenix emerging from the ashes of my old life and flapping off. Oh no. It was the funniest thing. it’sTilly. After 3 months he sends me that. STEVIE: Good girly. MIRANDA: Where? Where? Uh! STEVIE BRINGS A FULL LENGTH MIRROR TO MIRANDA. Thinking of you all. forget him. I will be a new me get fit. Stinky Von Tusse is in town and she wants to lunchon later at the new Sushi place.

ciaow. you enjoying it Gordon. I’ve been very depressed. no hush up. I’ve left your father and I’m coming to live with you.no hush. I look like a tramp. STARTS TO GO UPSTAIRS. got to go to Tilly’s lunch. SHE DRAGS HERSELF UP THE STAIRS MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ 10:04:23 VT Sound only of ‘Flog It’ in SCENE 10. PENNY COMES IN WITH CASES PENNY: Darling. I’ve been very depressed. Gary’s gone. Ciaow. MIRANDA Don’t judge me with your little eyes. TILLY: Ok I am now going to power walk back to the orifice. . ciaow. ciaow. STEVIE: You’ve got to be more assertive Miranda. watching telly all day with friends made of fruit. Suppose it couldn’t get worse. ciaow. SHE DOES A BIZARRE FAST WALK OUT. Kapow! GOES. You have to come so I don’t look like the saddo one in front of Stinkles. MIRANDA'S SITTING ROOM. MIRANDA CRIES TO CAMERA. What about the new you? MIRANDA: She’ll start on Monday. BACK TO PRESENT MIRANDA: Oh look at the state of me. ciaow. no hush.

you should have a bath.. won’t interfere. MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA:) Guaranteed I’ll be so irritated I’ll have to leave in under 30 seconds. walk. have a lovely what I call. PENNY: (FIDDLES WITH MIRANDA’S HAIR) Have you been cutting your own hair? MIRANDA: 3 seconds... PENNY: Sorry.. MIRANDA: If she calls the remote controls a silly name..can you...MIRANDA: Oh Mum... Set your watches – go. MIRANDA GRIMACES Don’t worry darling... You’ll have to show me how to work these. already annoyed. Not again? PENNY: He’s bound to crawl back tomorrow – it’s nude fondue night.... MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ SITS DOWN AND WATCHES TV.. Mum. I . PENNY: And look at all this (RE FLAT MESS). then get some air. you won’t even notice I’m here. MIRANDA: It is a walk. BRIEF PAUSE PENNY: PICKING UP THREE REMOTES....

the kind of woman that just leaps out of bed and just does that DEMO and their hair looks perfect. Miss Heather Small. STEVIE CLAPS I know Mum and Tilly won’t know what’s hit them. hello to you. STEVIE: Right then are you ready and happy to speak to Heather? MIRANDA: Please go ahead.. I’m going to be the kind of woman. They then grab a home made . Heather. MIRANDA COMES DOWNSTAIRS CHANGED NOW AND LOOKING BETTER. Doobries! GOES TO BEDROOM 10:05:34 VT Sound only of Flog It! Out MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ 10:05:34 SCENE 11. STEVIE: Hello! MIRANDA: Today I have begun the new me. SHOP.mean who needs three doobries? MIRANDA: GETS UP. STEVIE: (SINGS:) What have you done today to make you feel proud? MIRANDA: Well. who you know. look I’m starting now. MIRANDA: So forget Monday.... Right! That’s it! Why’s it so annoying? (TO CAMERA:) 20 seconds.

I’m off to have Sushi with Tilly and Stinky in my new (POSHLY:) trinkety necklace. SHE STARTS PACING FEMINIELY Yeh. You know.. You know I’ll be that kind of woman.. even though at lunch time they jogged – and enjoyed it. that’s not the best of starts. they just grab a wheat germ smoothie in between work because that’s enough to keep them going. STEVIE: Yeah. well. look at her . evening bags and a clutch. forming before your very eyes SHE PUTS ON A PIECE OF JEWELLERY Now excuse me. if your pants are dirty. And finally they have easy access to pens to finish a crossword at a bar where the man they decided to take as a lover the night before says to them ‘hey. MIRANDA: Right.muffin out of their Cath Kidston polka dot biscuit tin and head to work. because they don’t have flesh that moves independently to their main frame. SHE IMITATES TILLY’S POWER WALK OUT. Their fruit bowl isn’t full of 3 week old rotting pears because they actually eat the fruit. pop them off. They have pot plants that don’t die on them. BEAT. GOES. MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ PENNY: Darling. I’ll pop them in. last night was great’. But don’t worry the new me shall still reigneith. I’m putting on a white’s wash. she’ll have to go. wearing trainers at the bottom of a skirt suit to show off they’ve power walked in. MIRANDA: . well good luck with that. They have day bags.

cioa... ciao. MIRANDA: Yep. Oh well. MIRANDA STRUGGLING WITH THE FOOD. bear. STINKY: 8 down.Ciao. cioa. Ooh fabulasmic VIP invite to a scoffulate dans le city avec de rien de sleepage.. lorry.that could be van. Right. STINKY AND TILLY ARE IN A ROW AT THE CONVEYOR BELT. cioa. bear with. hang on. DROPS IT JUST BEFORE GETTING IN HER MOUTH. ‘Remove vehicles. bear with. It all looks edible von guzzle bucket.. Oh. Oh yeh... Hungelos McMungelos. let’s eat. . reversing at back of depot’. ciao... STINKY: . DURING THEIR CONVERSATION THEY CONTINUE EATING.. GETS TEXT. MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ 10:07:31 SCENE 12. ciao. SPITS IT OUT... ciao. MIRANDA TRIES TO PICK SOME FOOD UP WITH CHOPSTICKS... TILLY AND STINKY START EATING. ciao. I know this. TILLY: I’m starvington stations.I can so get this. TILLY: Stinky do you remember the time that I got locked in the boot.. It’s umm STINKY: Sub-tract. of course. THEY ARE DOING A CROSS WORD. SUSHI BAR MIRANDA. Sorry. MIRANDA: Yup.

.. I’m just focussing on my business at the moment. SHE RIFLES IN HER BAG TO FIND HER PHONE. . I’m so over him. ooh. LEANS FURTHER TO GET IT BUT IN DOING SO FALLS ON TO THE CONVEYOR BELT. We do trinkets and niknaks now – this is one ours. Gary this morning.. Sorry about this. Sounds like you might of lost him to his travels. STINKY TAKES IT OFF TILLY MIRANDA . Bear with.sorry everyone so sorry. No I'm stuck.. MIRANDA: Oh well that’s fine if I have.So Queen Kong what news with you? MIRANDA: Oh well..so yeh GETS A TEXT.. I’m a whole new.. Ooh.. MIRANDA GOES TO GRAB THE POSTCARD. RE NECKLACE STINKY: Gorge.. bear with bear with. TILLY: READING THE POSTCARD: Oh dear.. I’m going to have to get on.. HER NECKLACE GETS CAUGHT IN IT AND SHE STARTS BEING DRAGGED AROUND BY IT... My trinkety necklace. and are we lucksville in love? TILLY LAUGHS MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ MIRANDA: Actually I did get a postcard from an old beau. (READS IT OUT CONFIDENTLY:) Call now for a new tariff breakdown.. MIRANDA: I can’t. TILLY: Undo it at the back.

MIRANDA: I've unhooked. MIRANDA: Where were we? MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ STINKY: Leaving. THE GIRLS ARE AT A TABLE. I’ve unhooked.(TO A COUPLE AS SHE PASSES:) Hello. STINKY: . Sorry about this. PEOPLE POINT TO MIRANDA WHO DUCKS. MIRANDA: Quick . RESTAURANT. Saves walking. I’ll just finish the circuit. THEY LEAVE. SHE MANAGES TO UNHOOK HERSELF. sorry. CLIVE IS TAKING THE ORDERS. THE SUSHI OWNER COMES OUT. PUTS SOY SAUCE ON A CUSTOMERS FOOD AS SHE PASSES May as well whilst I’m here SHE GETS BACK AND SLIDES COOLY OFF THE CONVEYOR. how are you? I'm actually going to have to mount your travelator. STINKY: Utterly mortifying.. STINKY: Oh Queen Kong you’re such a dweeb.. MIRANDA: Sorry. MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ 10:10:17 SCENE 13.

CLIVE: Are you still feeling bad about Gary? MIRANDA: Can people stop asking me that? I’m fine. that’s good.I could woof a gateaux.I was gonna tell you.. CLIVE: This must be him. THE NEW CHEF (DANNY) WALKS IN.. MIRANDA: Really? Well actually. MIRANDA: Clive. Now I know Gary’s not coming back. CLIVE: Good because there’s a new chef arriving any minute. MIRANDA CLOCKS CAMERA WITH AN ‘OH NO’. WE HEAR THE TOP GUN THEME. but just a crumble please. can you switch that music off please? . I could inhale a meal-y-von-neely. TAKES HIS BIKE HELMET OFF. Yeh that’s good. HE IS IN BIKE LEATHERS WITH HELMET ON. gone are the days where I pathetically make an idiot of myself over some hunky chef.. MIRANDA: Oh yeah. THE RESTAURANT DOOR OPENS.. HE COMES UP TO THEM.. THE GIRLS JUST STARE. but just a peppermint tea for me. TILLY: Yup could absolutely scoffulate a puddington but just a skinny cap please.. HE IS TALL AND GOOD LOOKING.

THE GIRLS ARE ALL STARING. (TO DANNY:) How do you do? SHE GETS UP AND AS SHE DOES SO SHE FARTS. nice to meet you at last. DANNY: What was? MIRANDA: That noise. HE SWITCHES TOP GUN MUSIC OFF. DANNY: Hi. DANNY: TO THE GIRLS: Hi girls. Clive is it? CLIVE: Yes.MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ CLIVE: Sorry. Sorry sorry. DANNY: . I’ve just got to keep going now. DANNY: I thought that was a chair scraping? MIRANDA: Oh it was. That was my dog. (SHE STARTS CURSTEYING) (TO CAMERA:) Why am I curtseying. WE SEE CLIVE BY THE CD MACHINE. MIRANDA: Hello. Tilly and Stinky stand followed by Miranda TILLY / STINKY: Hola.

.. THEY ALL STARE AT HIM WITH .. it’s a sort of weirdly hard . MIRANDA CLOCKS CAMERA. and my heart is set on you. DANNY: (SINGING:) I got chills.. you’re the one I want. so everyone.. GIRLS:(SINGING:) You better shape up coz I need a man. oh yes indeed.. And I’m losing control.. MIRANDA: Well can you stop saying you do. Them multi-plying.Then what was your dog? MIRANDA: I don’t have a dog. TILLY/STINKY SIT DOWN OFF AGAIN: The one I need.‘WOW’! (WITH PRIDE:) Always get Danny from Grease with the bike leathers.. this is Danny. LAUGHS MIRANDA: You’re the one that I want... We’ve stopped. the accent. MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ DANNY: You said the noise was your dog? MIRANDA: Well it might have been YOUR dog. Sorry. CLIVE: Right.. DANNY: I don’t have a dog..

Stevie. MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ 10:12:50 SCENE 14. Look. . I give up. there’s a thing..tune to stop. SHOP MIRANDA COMES IN. Stevie . You’re the one that I want.. Stevie.. MIRANDA: No thanks. MIRANDA: I farted in front of him. I’m off again. STEVIE IS AT THE TILL. Stevie. but the new me is currently worse than the old me. I’m with much news. Stevie. MIRANDA: Stevie. MIRANDA: A new chef has arrived at the restaurant who you could happily compare to some kind of God... Stevie. Stevie. STEVIE: Ready to receive caller. blamed it on an imaginary dog and sung in his face.. SHE RUNS REALLY FAST OUT.. ooh. ooh honey. and he would very much be in the running for the new me to take as her lover. STEVIE: Maybe you should try that life coach again.. Ooh. STEVIE: This is not possible. which I shall now birth... THEY ALL STARE..

SHE SCREAMS. LIFE COACH: Imagine your anxieties filling the balloon. And are you going to get a new bed? We can’t both sleep on the lilo. I’m going to start a spring clean..MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ 10:13:24 SCENE 15. MIRANDA: STRESSED: Oh no. PENNY COMES IN CARRYING A MOP. save yourselves. my anxieties are everywhere. HALL (FLASHBACK) A GROUP OF PEOPLE DOING A SESSION WITH A LIFE COACH. November.. even though it is what I call. WE REVEAL MIRANDA WITH A MASSIVE BALLOON OR BIN BAG. THEY ARE ALL BLOWING UP BALLOONS. INCLUDING STEVIE.. AND A FEW CARRIER BAGS. SUDDENLY IT POPS. CUT TO: MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ 10:13:37 SCENE 16. SHOP BACK TO PRESENT. Don’t worry if Nude Fondue doesn’t make your father want me back. he’ll be desperate for my Kinky Quiche. MIRANDA: (POINTEDLY:) Well maybe one of us should leave. MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA:) Yuck . PENNY: Right.. PENNY: Where would you go? BEAT.

Don’t worry about me. A BEAT.. PENNY SMILES AND GOES UPSTAIRS. this is nice RYAN... COMES IN.. .. I forgot my keys. LEAVES.PENNY: Do you want me to get you a bed? MIRANDA: No. MIRANDA: (AS TEENAGER:) I’m not 6. she hates ghosts. STEVIE: Don’t panic. MIRANDA STOPS AND GETS OUT. THERE IS A TEA TRAY DISPLAY ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE. BED SHOP MIRANDA IS LYING ON A BED. MIRANDA: Mmm yeah.. I’m too depressed to think straight. But how’s that gonna work? SHE WALKS SLOWLY OUT THEN SINKS TO THE FLOOR AND DRAGS HERSELF OUT. now what does she hate? MIRANDA GRABS A LOLLY FROM TILL AREA TO EAT. we’ll force her out. SHOP ASSISTANT. I’ll just.. MIRANDA POINTS ANGRILY AT PENNY . PENNY: Don’t forget your keys. APPROACHES. MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ 10:14:35 SCENE 17. I’ll just be fine. I’ll get my own bed thank you. (WHILST EATING) Ghosts. MIRANDA: I don’t know.

Oh those look fun. MIRANDA: Tog. This is a nice one. LAUGHS MIRANDA LOOKS STARTLED. SHE BATS IT AWAY . LAUGHS MANICALLY BIZARRE LAUGH.it’s 15 tog. MIRANDA: Get off! MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ WOMAN: Excuse me. It’s a funny word isn’t it RYAN: Yes.RYAN: If you like the bed. STARTLED. RYAN: Ball pool. MIRANDA LOOKS . RE ANOTHER BED. RYAN: Try it. The bed not the gentleman. I was. MIRANDA: Yes. Ooh. BRIEF GLANCE TO CAMERA Yeah. All you’d need would be a ball pool to land in for mornings to be a total joy. there’s an offer. I’ve just got to see to this gentleman. MIRANDA: Right. free duvet . suppose it is. no I wasn’t thinking for me. It’s got a lovely ridged frame. THE LAUGH HE TOUCHES MIRANDA’S ARM. (TO CAMERA:) I was. they’re great for kids. could you tell me what tog these duvets are? . SHE SEES A SINGLE BUNK BED WITH A SLIDE ATTACHED.

BOSS: IT READS Do not argue back. TO WOMAN: I’m so sorry madam... You must be the new girl. WOMAN: Well there’s no need for that attitude.stretched MOVES OFF.... SANDY . I’ll sort this out myself. Well. GIVES IT TO MIRANDA. Right you now where’s your name badge? PICKS UP THE REMAINING NAME BADGE FROM A BOX LABELLED ‘STAFF BADGES’ ON A TABLE.MIRANDA: Oh umm. MIRANDA: The thing is. MIRANDA: I’m not being quite rude.? TO THE BOSS WHO WALKS PAST This woman has been quite rude. Can you stop asking me questions. Here you are this must be you – now I need.. MIRANDA: . we’re completely over. I need you down the warehouse now.. WOMAN: And do the beds come ready assembled? MIRANDA: I have no idea. WOMAN GOES. they’re 15 tog.... I don’t.. BOSS: Don’t argue with the customer.. Excuse me are you the manager.

.. BED SHOP WAREHOUSE . that’s me. Coz we were all sayin’ yesterday – we should like totally renounce men. MIRANDA IS DRIVING A FORK-LIFT CARRYING SOME BEDS. Sandy. boyfriend. MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA:) I think this has got a bit out of hand.. MIRANDA HURRIES ALONG AND CLOCKS CAMERA MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ 10:16:02 SCENE 18. being Sandy. LAUGHS. MICHELLE: Good. MICHELLE (BALLSY. ESSEX GIRL) IS MAKING CUPS OF TEA. MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ 10:16:10 SCENE 19.But. BOSS: (SHOUTING:) C’mon hurry up.. Do you know what I’m saying? MIRANDA: Does Sandy have a . no she doesn’t. BED SHOP STAFF ROOM A GROUP OF STAFF HAVING A TEA BREAK. MICHELLE: So have you got a boyfriend. I dunno – does Sandy have a boyfriend? Well I’d know wouldn’t I. Sandy? MIRANDA: CHECKS HER NAME BADGE.

go Sandy. (TO CAMERA:) You know. Yeah.. MIRANDA: Says who. I’m saying. I’ve had enough of men. MICHELLE: Yeah. MICHELLE: Do you know what I mean? MIRANDA: Well I do yes because I just said it. coz we don’t need males.. yeh that sounds great. I go. Yeah. Yeh. (TO CAMERA:) I’ve caught her accent. In’ that right? MIRANDA: In it just right though in it. I was saying to myself. In it? MICHELLE: That’s it. will not be pushed around no more. Exactly go me. Sandy.I do know what you’re saying.. RYAN: (COMES IN) What are you doing back here? MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ MIRANDA: I’m Sandy. no. I’m saying to myself this. you my girl.. Sandy.. (TO MICHELLE:) Renouncing men – yeah bring it on my sisters. . RYAN: No you’re not.. MIRANDA: Oh do you want me to go? Oh I see. go girl. Sorry you go girl..

THEY SHAKE HANDS. SHOP MIRANDA COMES SWAGGERING CONFIDENTLY IN TO THE SHOP. MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ 10:17:34 SCENE 20. yeah? MICHELLE: Do you get me? MIRANDA: Go me. MIRANDA: Not before I show you the bed I want.. and at a staff discount. Yo girlfriend.. STEVIE: And where have you been? MIRANDA: I did a 4-hour shift at the bed shop... But more importantly have I discovered my inner Sandy. Never let them push you around girls. Go Sandy THE GIRLS ALL WHOOP. . MIRANDA: Oh do you now do you do diddly do? (TO CAMERA:) Gone Irish. RYAN: I think you should leave.RYAN: I do. STEVIE: I already like Sandy. MIRANDA DOES SOME DANCE GROVE OUT.

A man. DANNY: Is that because you’re renouncing men? MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ MIRANDA: Ah yes. well I say. Amen. Clive said you worked here? Nice shop. DANNY COMES IN. Do you like my trinkets? Not a euphemism. MIRANDA: Thanks. And she said .. DANNY: Hi. MIRANDA HAS BACK TO DOOR. Yeh are you with me. SHE STRUTS TO THE TILL AND CLOCKS CAMERA.. STEVIE: A man. Hello. I’m renouncing men. yup... MIRANDA PUSHES HER OFF HER STOOL MIRANDA: Yeah that’s me. we/I am renouncing men. DANNY: I’m looking for someone to show me around. MIRANDA DOES A TURN/JUMPS AT DANNY . DANNY: . Clive also said you’re the only single lady in town. Sorry – I see. STEVIE: I’m also sing. BEAT. MIRANDA: A man.MIRANDA: Yeh she’s wicked.

SHE MOVES AROUND TO SIT SEXILY ON THE EDGE OF THE TILL. he’ll think I’m odd and confused. I would say. and asks a woman out on their first night.. DANNY HAS WALKED BACK FROM THE DOOR. the aforementioned woman . SUDDENLY THEY SEE HIM THERE AND JUMP.. That’s a shame.. that you are officially renounced.....but. There’s a clause in my renouncement that says. MIRANDA PUSHES HER OFF HER STOOL AGAIN. DANNY: Now.. MIRANDA: Don’t even.. Which I am but we must hide this. STEVIE: And if you don’t go for it. then I’ll whip out my allure. STEVIE: (WHISPERING:) What are you doing? You can’t renounce him! MIRANDA: (WHISPERING:) Well I can’t suddenly un-renounce..this – if somebody is new to an area. STEVIE: Sandy isn’t odd and confused – go get your Danny. MIRANDA: Well. I don’t like getting a no. STEVIE: (FLIRTING:) Oh well I’d say yes.. DANNY: Are you renouncing all men? What if I asked you out tonight. STARTS TO GO. MIRANDA/STEVIE: Oorhh Sandy and Danny..Ok..

Imagine.. MIRANDA: This is my cleaner.mentioned heretofore is obliged nay commanded nay must accept. I’ll see you later.. MIRANDA: (TO PENNY HURRIED. DANNY: That’s a good clause. STEVIE: Where are you from? PENNY: (IN ACCENT) Poland? (BEAT) And I was coming down because I needed polish. LEAVING. I like a headstrong independent woman.... MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ MIRANDA: Well Hello DANNY: My last girl friend lived with her Mum. DANNY: Ok. PENNY: IN A KIND OF POLISH ACCENT: Well hello. I am Polish. 6. Pretty freaky huh? PENNY: (COMING DOWNSTAIRS:) Miranda I’ve washed your control pants (HOLDING THEM UP) That should suck it all back in.30? MIRANDA: . LAUGHS. WHISPERED:) He’s asking me out . PENNY: Well excuse me. Miss Penelopia... I am cleaner. and I forgot my polish..

MIRANDA'S SITTING ROOM MIRANDA COMES OUT OF HER BEDROOM CHANGED IN TO A DRESS FOR HER DATE. Mum. AND STARES AT CAMERA STEVIE: Oh yes. THERE IS ALSO A GOAT ON THE SOFA! STEVIE: Hurry up. MIRANDA: I know I just meant to try my new bed. Can’t believe you slept all afternoon. He might. SHE IS TRYING TO GET HER TIGHTS ON.. PENNY: Why because he might come back? LAUGHS STEVIE LAUGHS. (TO CAMERA:) He might. STEVIE IS HELPING MIRANDA GET READY – BRUSHING HER HAIR. STUFF LYING ABOUT. THERE IS A GENERAL FUSS.. MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ 10:20:33 SCENE 21. THEY CURTSEY HE LEAVES. STARES AT IT. make sure you’re out of the flat . BUT STILL A BIT MESSY.. MIRANDA: . tonight. STEVIE AND PENNY HIGH FIVE. I forgot to say. MIRANDA: He might. SPRAYING SCENT.A one size tights does not fit all MIRANDA SUDDENLY SEES THE GOAT.Lovely. he is downstairs.. THE FLAT IS LOOKING A LOT CLEANER.

You said your Mum hates goats.. MIRANDA: Ghosts. STARTS UNPACKING. I’ve just bought a few more things to spruce. I’m going out. PENNY: Don’t worry. SUDDENLYS SEES THE GOAT AND STARES STEVIE: Ooh scary isn’t it? Grrr a goat... Who has any strong opinions on goats? STEVIE: I did think it was odd.. how . MIRANDA: And you didn’t think to check before.There’s a massive goat in my sitting room and you just forgot to say. DANNY: (OOV) Hello? MIRANDA: Quick! MOVING PENNY OUT OF THE WAY SPRAYS PERFUME MIRANDA PUSHES HER TO THE BEDROOM DANNY APPEARS AT THE DOOR DANNY: Hi? .? MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ PENNY ENTERS CARRYING SOME SHOPPING. STEVIE: It’s good isn’t it? MIRANDA LOOKS CONFUSED. I said ghosts. INCLUDING A HOUSE PLANT AND FRUIT.

clutch bag. DANNY: You all ready? MIRANDA: Yes um. Yer er. Wow.. SUDDENLY THE GOAT BLEETS DANNY: What was that? MIRANDA: BLEETS. I’m just soexcited. DANNY: . Clutch. DANNY: Wow. BLEETS.MIRANDA: Hello MIRANDA DIVES TO THE DOOR WAY TO LEAN IN IT SO HE CAN’T COME IN. TELL ME MORE’ THE FLAT LOOKS AMAZING. STEVIE PASSES IT. MIRANDA INDICATING TO STEVIE TO GET RID OF THE GOAT. MIRANDA: SEES IT. So shall we go? SHE RUSHES OUT. REALLY TIDY. what a beautiful place. A BOWL OF FRUIT. PLANTS. MIRANDA'S FLAT MIRANDA AND DANNY COME THROUGH THE DOOR LAUGHING AND SINGING ‘TELL ME MORE. HOME MADE BISCUITS. Good word: clutch isn’t it. MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ 10:22:09 SCENE 22. Let me just grab my clutch... Me. COOKIE JARS....

..Can I use your loo? HE TAKES A BISCUIT MIRANDA: Yeah help yourself. hobs. LOOKS AROUND AND SCREAMS ON SEEING PENNY . DANNY: Did you make these? MIRANDA NODS DANNY: (TRYING A BISCUIT) What do you use? ON WAY TO BATHROOM MIRANDA: Umm. I didn’t think he’d come back and your father’s changed the locks.. (WHISPERS) Mum what are you doing here? MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ PENNY: Sorry. MIRANDA HIDES PENNY BEHIND THE ARM CHAIR. nobs.. Quick get in the bedroom. MIRANDA: Nutmeg.. AND DOOR OPENS. MIRANDA: Ah hello.. MIRANDA IS BUSTLING PENNY TO THE BEDROOM. Flour... food.. I’m a nut for nutmeg. LOO FLUSHES. HE GOES TO BATHROOM. MIRANDA: I’m not interested... PENNY: (WHISPERS FROM BEHIND THE SOFA) Nutmeg. do you want to take a seat? MIRANDA USHERS HIM TO THE SOFA. MIRANDA: Yes sure it’s through there.... .

THEY SIT DOWN. HE TURNS TO PUT HIS DRINK DOWN/PERHAPS LOOK AT A PHOTO OR SOMETHING. Hence the unrenouncement clause. PENNY: (WHISPERING:) Use the nice tumblers. MIRANDA CONT: One doesn’t always feel in the mood to renounce. I said to myself. DANNY: Thanks. PENNY DUCKS AND MIRANDA TURNS IT IN TO SEXY HAIR TOSSING. MIRANDA BATS HER AWAY DANNY TURNS BACK.... MIRANDA: Yes me too.. RETURNS WITH A GLASS. I’m glad you came out tonight. .Err a drink? DANNY: A scotch if you have one.. MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ PENNY STARTS STYLING MIRANDA’S HAIR... WE SEE PENNY CRAWL OVER TO MIRANDA.. There you go. MIRANDA GOES TO THE KITCHEN.. You know.... DANNY: What? MIRANDA: Use the nice tumblers. MOUTHS TO PENNY: Get out... I have to say I think I got you all wrong. HE DOWNS HIS DRINK. MIRANDA LOOKS WORRIED AS SHE SEES PENNY FILLING UP DANNY’S GLASS .

MIRANDA: (GETTING UP:) Sorry. SUDDENLY WE SEE PENNY POPPING HER HEAD UP FROM BEHIND HIM.. It’s very sexy. GETS UP. MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ 10:24:09 MUSIC IN SCENE 23. You’re quite something.. GIVING MIRANDA THE THUMBS UP..BEHIND HIM. Ciao! HE GOES. DANNY: Wow. You seem to have everything under control.. MIRANDA: He is in my palm.. MIRANDA: So they say DANNY: Can I call you? MIRANDA: Sure you’ve got my number. DANNY: Could I get another scotch. THEY BOTH START MOVING EXCITEDLY . DANNY: Oh. HE TURNS AND SEES IT’S FULL.. that’s disappointing.. PENNY POPS UP.. DANNY LEANS IN FOR A KISS. SHE SHUTS THE DOOR. MIRANDA'S FLAT . MIRANDA: There you go. I’m gonna have to stop you there.

STREET CONTINUOUS. MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ 10:24:46 MUSIC OUT 10:24:51 SCENE 25. SHE HAS A SKIRT ON WITH SHIRT AND BELT AROUND HER WAIST WITH TRAINERS LOOKING THE BUSINESS WOMAN. WE ALSO SEE A BOWL OF FRUIT.. SHE GRABS A HANDBAG. PASSING THE OTHER POSH GIRLS FROM EARLIER IN SKIRTS AND TRAINERS.. SHE WALKS ALONG. CLIVE IS DOING A CROSS WORD. last night was great. MIRANDA WALKS IN.. SHE HANDS HIM ONE. SEES A PEN ON THE TABLE. WATERS HER PLANT. SHE BOPS/MOVES TO THE MUSIC WHILST SHE TAKES A GULP OF ORANGE JUICE. SITS ELEGANTLY AT A STOOL. MIRANDA COMES OUT OF HER ROOM. MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ 10:24:33 SCENE 24. PUTS IT IN HER SHIRT POCKET. HE IS LOOKING FOR A PEN. RESTAURANT THE MONTAGE CONTINUES. SHE PAUSES IN THE DOOR FRAME AND FLICKS HER HAIR.. .. CLIVE: To mock or belittle. CLIVE: Who are you? DANNY APPEARS DANNY: Hey. THEY NOD TO HER. AND HEADS OUT. GRABS A COOKIE FROM THE POLKA DOT COOKIE JARS. MIRANDA: Disparage.. 9 letters.RAINING MEN IS ON.

WE REVEAL TILLY AND STINKY HAVING BREAKFAST. STARING AT HER.. HE KISSES HER AND. SHOP SHE IS IN A STATE. THEN FALLS OFF HER STOOL. MIRANDA: Not so much a dweeb now. GIRLS: Gary! GARY: Hi.. MIRANDA: . GRABS FOR A TABLE. MANAGES ONLY TO PULL THE TABLE CLOTH OFF. STEVIE & CLIVE ARE FOLLOWING HER CLOSELY AROUND. SHE LOOKS EXCITEDLY TO CAMERA.. MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ MIRANDA TURNS TO SEE HIM. MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA:) I did it. SHE LOOKS SHOCKED.. SENDS FOOD EVERYWHERE. GARY WALKS IN.. MIRANDA: Hello. PACING.MIRANDA REALISES SHE HAS ACHIEVED HER AIM. AMAZED. DANNY: Although there is one thing that was missing. MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ 10:25:30 SCENE 26.

.. DANNY: Listen. SHE STOPS.. DANNY. MIRANDA: And now feel a bit teary actually because I’ve been thinking about him for months you know. I’ve been let go. STRUGGLING TO STAND NATURALLY . THE GIRLS BANG IN TO HER. GARY: But if I’m staying then. I don’t want this to be awkward. MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ MIRANDA: . MIRANDA: Yeah but what do I do about.Gary sent the postcard after he got there but it only just arrived. STEVIE/CLIVE: Sorry. why is he suddenly back? THEY ALL GIVE HER A HUG... MIRANDA: Awkward? This? Awkward. GARY COME IN. Gary’s contracts still open STEVIE/CLIVE: Gary’s got his job back. CLIVE: I think he said he got the sack MIRANDA: Really STEVIE: We need to find out his situation.

DANNY: I better go I’ve got a hunch that I might have got in the middle of something here. MIRANDA: (TO DANNY:) Of course . that you might burn in them? GIRLS/CLIVE: Back fired. Something awkward about the word awkward.. he/I just . no we’re just friends... This was only.Who’s awkward? Funny word awkward... HUSHED: You’re acting weird. I mean this.. so what does your girlfriend think of you leaving Hong Kong? GARY: I don’t have a girlfriend. nothing here. I might check it out if that’s cool..... STANDS TO DEMONSTRATE. Back fired.. No sorry I’m cas.. Look ask if Gary’s got a girlfriend MIRANDA: Gary. STEVIE: REALLY QUICKLY SO MIRANDA MIGHT HARDLY HEAR: Ask if Gary’s considered the jobs in Birmingham? MIRANDA: Have you considered the joggers.. SUDDENLY: Clutch.. DANNY: So. STEVIE: QUICKLY.. Gary was telling me about this job in Birmingham. MIRANDA/GARY: PASSING IT OFF: What? Us? No...

got back from Hong Kong. HE KISSES HER AND GOES GARY: So. THE GIRLS/CLIVE GIVE HER THE THUMBS UP. (HOLDS IT UP) THE SUSHI OWNER AND A POLICE MAN COME IN. RYAN: (RUSHING IN:) That’s her. DELIVERY GUY: (COMING IN:) Kids ball pool for Miranda? MIRANDA: Welcome back. things have changed a bit. SANDY: I’m Sandy. IT’S OBVIOUS THERE IS SOMETHING. I think that goat ate your bunion insole. THEN PENNY COMES DOWNSTAIRS. GARY: I think I preferred the old you anyway. DANNY: Right goodbye. MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ MIRANDA: Yep It’s just the new me. stop impersonating me or I’ll report you. POLICEMAN: Excuse me. PENNY: Miranda. . we need to talk about the damage to this man’s restaurant. THE GIRLS AND CLIVE LOOK AT EACH OTHER. Come here THEY HUG.

@ 10:28:05 CREDIT ROLL @ 10:28:30 END OF EPISODE & MUSIC TO END . THEY ALL GO UPSTAIRS ‘IT'S RAINING MEN’ MUSIC IN @ 10:27:20 MIRANDA – SERIES 2 – EPISODE 1 ‘THE NEW ME’ SCENE 27. WAVES AS HE HEADS OUT OF THE RESTAURANT. SALLY PHILLIPPS & BELINDA STEWART-WILSON IN THE RESTAURANT. BELINDA WAVES AND FOLLOWS DANNY OUT WE CUT BACK TO THE CAST DANCING IN THE BEDROOM/BALL POOL. MIRANDA'S BEDROOM WE REVEAL MIRANDA’S NEW BED – IT’S THE BUNK WITH A SLIDE. THE CAST ALL SLIDE DOWN IN TO THE BALL POOL ONE BY ONE: (N. IF THAT TAKES TOO LONG.B. EVERYONE COULD BE IN AND ON DIFFERENT PART OF THE BED FOR THE REVEAL AND THEIR WAVES) @ 27:29 CAPTION: YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING MIRANDA HART. SARAH HADLAND PATRICIA HODGE JAMES HOLMES TOM ELLIS MICHAEL LANDES.STEVIE: Ball pool? MIRANDA: Yes follow me.

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