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American Apparel bikini.60 PERFECT 10 Say hello to your Hometown Hotties finalists. 62 GROUPON'S FUNNY BUSINESS Meet the clowns in charge of the $10 billion site. Steve Madden shoes. by DAN BOVA ON THE COVER: EMILYSHUR Styling. by SETH PORGES 70 ICON: CHRIS MARTIN Cold play's singer once punched a desk. by NICOLE FREHSEE 66 DREAM GIRL Hannah Simone is the other beautiful. by STEPHANIE RADVAN 48X KELLYMANIA WWE DIVA KELLY KELLY GETS OUR HEARTS IN A HEADLOCK! bySTEPHANIE RADVAN FEATURES 80 THE COUCH-MA SUTRA Fourteen ways to make your ass feel good! by DAN BOVA 82 IT'S A BIRD! IT'S A PLANE! IT'S SUPERSHAQ! We give the NBA retiree $848. by DAVY ROTHBART 78 IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE Leilani Dowding heats up Tough Love: Miami. He's tough! by JOE LEVY 72 KNUCKLE UP! Inside Miami's brutal backyard fight league. Photograph by photograph by EMILY SHUR DECEMBER 2011 MAXIM 7 . hair. Shelby Kelsey/Oneluv Agency. Jada Fitzgerald/ Exclusive Artists. makeup. brainy New Girl. Cara Maccianti using Nars Cosmetics.

8824 HOURS TO LIVE Celebrity chef and The Layover star Anthony Bourdain dishes on his final meal. you're on your own.PRO BOWLER JARED ALLEN GETS YOU VIKING STRONGWITHOUT THE GYM. and we get schooled by a lesbian. chop down your own Christmas tree. and we get the inside scoop on Mission: ImpossibleGhost Protocol. and meet our newest office assistant. by MARIA FONTOURA 52THE RAMBO OFTHE NFL DEPARTMENTS 14 LETTERS Poetry poured in for Yvonne Strahovski. 45 COLUMNS Give your girl what she really wants this Christmas-in the bedroom. As far as actual gifts go. 19 CIRCUS MAXIMUS Warm up with winter cocktails. 37 RATED The Muppets get nasty! Plus: boxes full of rock. 8 MAXIM DECEMBER 2011 photograph by JOHN LOOMIS .

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Maxim is published monthly by Alpha Media Publishing. Nerds haven't had this much trouble getting inside something since the vagina was invented." @DanBova1. INTEGRATED MARKETING Cor Hazelaar COPY CHIEF Kenneth Gee RESEARCH CHIEF Colin Surprenant Matt Ciccone ART DIRECTORS Christian Smith FASHION EDITOR Kathy Nestor. Michelle Koruda. INTEGRATED MARKETING Clare Thigpen PRODUCTION DIRECTOR Jennifer Staiman DIRECTORS.COM EDITORIAL DIRECTOR Aysha Karachopan DIRECTOR OF ADVERTISING OPERATIONS James Oliver Cury MANAGING EDITOR Gisele Myer VICE PRESIDENT." @pjcarone "Tagline for Western about fonts: 'There's a new serif in town.'" @sethporges "Serious question: What happens if you use milk in a French press? Instant latte?" @j_brukman • "Whoever first called something a 'meatball' was a funny guy. intothe MAXIM GET TO KNOW US CHIEF CONTENT OFFICER • Joe Levy CREATIVE DIRECTOR TWEET AT US! NEED 140 CHARACTERS OF SNARK? FOLLOW THE TWIT WITS WHO PUT TOGETHER YOUR FAVORITE MAGAZINE. Volume 15. Inc. sony Disney." ~ • Patrick Carone.. NEWSSTAND Heather Albano SENIOR EDITOR Nick Leftley ASSISTANT EDITORS Stefan Kaiser CONSUMER MARKETING DIRECTOR Matt Caputo. DIGITAL SALES Nora Garrity Bill Shaw WESTERN BRAND DIRECTOR CHIEF FINANCIAL OFFICER Vincent Ohanyan CHIEF OPERATING OFFICER Michael Lindsay WEST COAST BRAND DIRECTOR Linda McHugh David Simcox CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER Joseph Mangione Copyright © 2011 Alpha Media Publishing. Paul Martinez MANAGING EDITOR CHIEF REVENUE OFFICER Yeun Littlefield EXECUTIVE EDITOR Ben Madden ASSOCIATE PUBLISHER • Dan Bova DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY Sean Flanagan NEW YORK Andrea Volbrecht FEATURES EDITOR • @RealJoeLevy • teaches this. • "Lion King 3D? Seeing Mustafa die in two dimensions was tragic enough. All rights reserved.com: David Zamdmer SENIOR DESIGNER OliverYoo PHOTO EDITOR Warren Berger CHIEF MARKETING OFFICER Jane Seymour ASSOCIATE PHOTO EDITOR Stacey Pittman PHOTO RESEARCHER Paul LaRocca VICE PRESIDENT. Not hilarious." @stephanieradvan. I bet.corn/custornerservlce .. Maria Fontoura. Brian Vrabel (DIRECTORS) DETROIT 248-723-1023: "Lindsay Lohan Peter Saad CHICAGO 312-440-3182 think. Bruce Kostic. Luis Vega VICE PRESIDENT AND CORPORATE CONTROLLER Jessica King WEST COAST EDITOR Ruth Hilton MILITARY ADVISER Karen Reed HUMAN RESOURCES DIRECTOR Dakota Meyer MAXIM.. Inc. Liz Zink EDITORIAL ASSISTANT Charles Mast MANUFACTURING AND PROMOTIONS DIRECTOR Bailey Swilley DIRECTOR OF VIDEO CONTENT Jon Groat SENIOR PHOTO EDITOR Don Lisk PRODUCTION MANAGER Donna Rickles PHOTO EDITOR Cory Davis VIDEO EDITOR Navah Meller PUBLIC RELATIONS DIRECTOR Zach Goldstein VICE PRESIDENT.com Canadian GST Registration # 867774580 Subscription inqumes: Please call 386-447-6312 or visit us at maxlrn. I David Swanson SENIOR EDITORS Jessica Eldridge. • Seth Porges ASSOCIATE EDITOR • Jesse Brukman EDITORIAL ASSISTANT Richard Axel Swedberg (DIRECTOR) LOS ANGELES 310-288-5474: Kelly Daugherty (DIRECTOR) SOUTHEAST jason@maxim. NY 10017. New York. December 2011 issue. RT @Choire: Is there a class on how to swallow pills? Because Ijust nearly died on a tiny aspirin. 415 Madison Avenue. Inc. Number 12. MAXIM® is a registered trademark owned by Alpha Media Group. Tel 212-302-2626 Fax 212-302-2635 maximonline.com Jason Albaum NORTHEAST INTEGRATED MANAGER • Stephanie Radvan ART DIRECTOR Brendan Gilhuly CANADA 416-323-2848 Paul Scirecalabrisotto ASSOCIATE ART DIRECTOR GDC Media DIRECT RESPONSE wberger@mediapeople. but totally solid.He~. "San Diego Comic Con has lines out the door. don't follow Patrick Carone . Twitter peeps.

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. In Drew Magary's "article" on boxing. and I can't help but mention No. head to our Facebook page. 10. "I've never gone to a fight. Zeth via e-mail Girls." Scott Dunn Ir..Canada! Ijust read through the article "23 Reasons We Love Sports" [October). forget it! Just give me more Yvonne! ELTON PHOENIX. WHAT READERS ARE SAYING THIS MONTH WHAT'S THE WORST GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED? Before answering yourself. because she is missing out! Your article in the October issue ["The Superhot Secrets ofLesbian Sex") on helping men via lesbos is laudable but equally laughable.Going." This proves that this dude knows nothing about MMA.. YOU HAVE E·MAIL.L Going. Furthermore. = = = -: ~ . here is one poem she can melt to: Roses are red/ Violets are blue . "A glass owl." Bryan Edge 14 MAXIM DECEMBER 2011 photograph by STEPHAN WORTH = _.. = _. girls-don't ~ght! Especially not next to this kiddie pool mysteriously~lled withJell-O.he says. Make the magic happen: letters@maxim. Unexpected Granny Gifts Crappy Clothing Gadgets "Toilet paper. What a putz I Santiago Fonseca via e-mail Magary's actually working on our "Ladies of Badminton" feature. while we're naked. Would the Canadians riot in skirts and heels? Brett Perry via e-mail Don't forget the Spanx bonfire. Lesbian vs.Aw. com/maximmagazine. facebook. Thought it was a Nintendo. Terse Verse Yvonne Strahovski is so fine. "Hell." October] mentioned the poetry she receives. While you're naked. Where did you find these munchers ?The set ofThe L Word? Askmenexttime." Sam Cangelosi "Krispy Kreme logo ball cap at Xmas. Also." Don Bennett "A ceiling fan. you would have been eaten alive in an 8 Mile-style rap battle.. Elton. And for more Maxim-approved polls. AZ - Man. she can spy on me anytime! Paul via e-mail playoffs. IAMBIC DORKOMETER What took so long to get Ms. I noticed the guy on the left ofthe picture has his shirt off and tied around his neck and a giant purse in his hand. no. Chandraprabha Bhatnagar is a stunner! Ass to Ass How could you possibly leave Redslcins owner Dan Snyder off your list of "The Five Biggest Jerks in Sports" [October)? He's the consensus biggest A-hole on the planet! Kenny Stewart via e-mail Porn star Sasha Grey's fans would like to respectfully disagree with you. Yvonne READERS WAXED POETIC OVER CHUCK STAR YVONNE STRAHOVSKI. = -. Let's see how the next guy does . he says."Fight Club" [October]. "MMAisoneguy's head trapped between another guy's thighs for eight minutes.com. where you reference how the Canadians "turned hardcore" from their Stanley Cup loss." How did you get this clown to write about boxing while disparaging MMA? And you call Magary a sports expert? Maybe he should write about badminton. he says.. Lesbian Punching D-Bag That's the best you goa Leave the poetry to us: There once was a girl starred in Chuck/Who all the boys wanted to . WE HAVE AN IN' BOX. Yvonne on the cover?! Your article ["To Die For. I'dhateto see what would happen ifthe Blue Jays were to lose in the As a reader and lesbian. I'd like to tell "Jane" to go back to the jungle and rediscover the art of scissoring. -. never mind! Oh." And when asked the difference between live versus watching boxing on TV. when asked ifhe has ever stepped into a (boxing) ring. flip this mag and check out our gift-guide-to-end-allgift-guides.

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"You know. Odds of winning depend on number of eligible entries received. One says to the other.Sponsored by Alpha Media Group Inc 16 MAXIM DECEMBER 2011 . eligibility. it's actually much better with my boyfriend. it is better with him. Open only to legal u.maximcom. Your stocking stuffers don't stand a chance against the Uncharted Greatest Hits Dual Pack. prize.com/contests.J See ifyour funny bone is bigger than ours . * 2. 18 years or older. For entry and official rules with complete entry.2011 and ends December 5. Enter your caption at Maxim.com. Check Maxim.Send yourfunnies to jokes@maxim. residents." MARTIN RICHMAN TO ENTER 1. it says 24-HOUR GAS!" NICK GERSCHLER My Boyfriend Two women walk out of a male bordello. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED. and other details.com or the February 2012 issue to see if you won! 'NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN.. it ran out!" "Of course it did. 2011. "Yeah. "Your gas is no good!" she exclaims. The next day she returns with her car on a tow truck and demands her money back. go to www.s. "After eight hours of driving. Contest begins November 15. Fill 'ErUp A blonde pulls into an all-night garage and fills her tank up." replies the puzzled gas station attendant. 3." The other replies. "How long did you think you could go on one tank of gas?" Indignantly the blonde points to the garage sign: "Well..

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~ A Maxim View ofthe World photographs by CHRIS MCPHERSON DECEMBER 2011 MAXIM 19 .

20 MAXIM DECEMBER 2011 .

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) (according to a Harvard study) in your chance of getting diabetes if you consume 100 grams of red meat a day.250.000 American: $580. Percent increase What the F**k Should I Make for Dinner? by Zach Read This Golden.corn/mcximmnq. 22 MAXIM DECEMBER 2011 illustration by JESSE LEFKOWITZ . Stick with blue meat. Useful ('*king Web site. MAXIM For people 140 NEWS FEED read more than at a time. The rest of the time autopilot is in charge.4 MILLION (7) OH. r Police commissioner Ray Kelly claimed in a 60 Minutes interview that the NYPD could take down a plane. and sliding down the emergency exit chute. 29. ellen better f"'king book.. 1 baby tiger 1 crocodile 43 geckos and skinks 12 exotic songbirds 2 pygmy monkeys Airlines are raking in the douyh from your overpatking. How? With a big gun mounted on a helicopter.000 EXTRA BAGGAGE .623. (2) The amount flight attendant Steven Slater was forced to pay JetBlue after cursing over a plane's intercom. Number of bags worldwide that didn't arrive on the same flight as their owners in 2010. Here s how muth the top three made from baggage fees in 2010: Delta: $952.. That's 12..663.07 mishandled bags for every 1. DECEMBER Are We There Yet? FLYING BLOWS. the nuts are protected by law and can legally be passed out during flights.. who can't characters (Get more! Go to Twitter. $10. NUTS! Despite the growing number of allergic dickholes who have sued airlines for serving packets of peanuts.000 passengers. stealing two beers.000 US Airways: $513. BUT THESE FUN FACTS ABOUT PLANES MAY MAKE IT A LITTLE LESS HELLISH. (6) (5) "HERO SEX" The type of sex Captain Chelsey Sullenberger and his wife of 20 years admitted to enjoying after he fearlessly landed a US Airways plane in the Hudson River. PREPARE FOR TAKEOFF! (3) (1 ) THREE MINUTES The approximate amount of time a commercial airline pilot actually flies the plane (during takeoff and landing).000 SMUGGLE BUNNIES A list of adorable animals that people have tried to sneak past airport security in one trip.

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Insert your favorite lupus joke here.9in Atlantic is now launchin.and cocainefueled rage after accusing an escort of thieving. CHECK IN AT YOUR OWN PERIL! FROM HERO TO ZERO Celeb saviors might be in the news. 2010 Died:TBD Sheen allegedly erupted into a booze. Las Vegas.2010. age 47 He single-handedly turned cherry pie into a smutty dessert and sang. HU. PAUL GRAY Bassist for Slipknot TownePlace Suites by Marriott.2002. and not the shame of staying at a Marriott. sen.M. but some weren't so heroic . duh. Even Robert De Niro and Robin Williams stopped by! The next morning he labored to breathe (wonder why?). age 38 A toxicology report determined that Gray died of an accidental overdose of morphine and fentanyl. September 11. MAXIM NEWS FEED CONTINUED Vir. winning.9ht make pas. CHARLIE SHEEN Professional not-so-hot mess The Plaza Hotel. Woodland Hills. 26. so his drug-dealing female friend who'd stayed the night did the only thing a friend could do: She left in Belushi's Mercedes to get something to eat. NewYork.2011 Saved Richard Branson's mom from a raging island inferno.9 for films that mi. July FORD 11. The cocainetriggered heart attack had little impact on the Who-they played a show four days later. first to vomit and then.NY Date of incident: Oct. HARRISON 2000. age 57 He and a Vegas stripper hitthe hay around 3 A. Urbandale. KATE WINSLET August 22. STARS..lA Died: May 24.. Eloise Suite.000. which is less cool. Bungalow 3. Hollywood. Room 431. How about a "Julia Roberts" alert? Friendly Skys .2011. CA Died: August 11. A few hours later Belushi's dead body was discovered naked in bed by his personal trainer. It accommodates fou rand has eight bathrooms! Daze Inn A QUICK HISTORY OF ROCKERS. I i+ Accordin. He caused damage estimated at $7. 2001 Almost hit a woman with a car. 2001 Personally airlifted a stranded hiker and saved a lost boy scout.9to Guinness World Records. NV Died: June 27. the bloated actor returned to his bungalow. July 31. JOHN BELUSHI SNLLegend Chateau Marmont.1982. "Heaven isn't too far away. Wait.com. age 33 After a night of heavy boozing atthe Roxy. keeping her from the wrc. AND COMICS GETTING KOOKY IN MOTELS AND HOTELS.." Also died next to some prescription meds and a bottle of vodka. but only she awoke seven hours later to find Entwistle dead.Using bed-and-breakfast finder Airbnb. late-night fans can now rent out Conan O'Brien's studio for a few nights. Room 658. he had a personal trainer? In the '80s? Seriously? JOHN ENTWISTLE Bassist forthe Who Hard Rock Hotel & Casino.gers cry. Hugh Oa Man! 24 MAXIM DECEMBER 2011 illustration by JOHN UELAND . Room 118. CA Died: March 5.. to ingest more alcohol and hard drugs. JANI LANE Singer for Warrant Comfort Inn. health" warnin.9 an "emotional .9h Laurieisthemost watched man on television. Yeah.

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Stir to dissolve the sugar. it hails from America's oldest distillery. Knowledge is good: Otoiiol is Spanish for the autumn season leading to the holidays. Pour ingredients into a mug. this super-simple hot toddy uses the same apple brandy (lest you think this is a sissy spirit. then dilute agave nectar with cinnamon water to taste.. Strain out cinnamon.CUP PAW H 0 A In 2008. A spicy take on an old-fashioned. Americans consumed 124 million ~ ) pounds of eggnog. making it a mellow base for any rum cocktail. • 1Tbs. Strain over ice in an old-fashioned -To make cinnamon-infused agave nectar: Simmer 1 cup of water with 2-3 cinnamon sticks. 26 MAXIM DECEMBER 2011 photographs by SPENCER HEYFRON . Throat: Prepare to be deliciously burned. This has nothing to do with spikes in obesity-nothing! Winter Wonderbar COCKTAILS AND SPIRITS TO HEAT UP YOUR ICY HEART. 4. 1. DECK THE BAR Stock this Maximapproved sauce and your guests will be in great spirits. MICHTER'S AMERICAN WHISKEY Supposedly the stuff George Washington and his troops guzzled while holed up in the freezing cold at Valley Forge. cinnamon-infused agave nectar* V2 oz. TITO'S HANDMADE VODKA From Austin. • • • • 2 dashes Bar Keep Baked Apple Bitters 1tsp. Add ice and stir for 20-30 seconds. Laird's Bonded Apple Brandy '1 dash Bar Keep Baked Apple Bitters 1. Good enough for ya? OTONAL OLD·FASHIONED BAKED APPLE TODDY Another twist on a traditional potable. Texas. 3. Laird's Bonded Apple Brandy 1% oz. Herradura Afie]o Tequila into a mixing glass. aged in American oak barrels. sweet potion is the perfect base for the dudely cocktail for which it's named. thanks to aged tequila and potent brandy for an unexpected punch. 3. Top with boiling water steeped with 2-3 whole cinnamon sticks and a small pinch of cloves. Tito Beveridge's cornbased vodkahand-distilled in copper potsis liquid gold at silver prices. glass. slightly smoky tequila that's as good for sipping as it is for mixing. . 2. 2. Pour all ingredients WILD TURKEY RARE BREED BOURBON Distillers Eddie and Jimmy Russell take this bourbon straight from the barrel to the bottle-no water added.. Grate cinnamon and nutmeg on top. Strain out the solids before pouring. straight outta Jersey) for another flavorful kick. TUTHILL· TOWN HUDSON MANHATTAN RYE This velvety. DON 0 CRISTAL RUM Super-smooth white rum. sugar in the raw • 1V2 oz. Denizen Oak Aged Caribbean Rum • V2 oz. • ESPOLON REPOSADO TEOUILA A spicy.

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just toned and having great poise. put lotion on her body ." GUILTY PLEASURE Chocolate-covered CELEBRITY strawberries CRUSH Johnny Depp NO WONDER YOU'RE IN SUCH GREAT SHAPE! I run a lot and do yoga and Pilates..12:30 P. Just because you're indoors is no reason not to wear sunscreen! 28 MAXIM DECEMBER 2011 photographs by BEN RITTER . ECONOMY! .I'm not into guys who are very buff.". !love Disney songs I" GO-TO DRINK "I don't drink alcohol. but I also like helping girls out. so I picked out the lingerie she would need forthe shoot. I'll work out hardcore every day. v They started getting suspicious after our 37th brachange request. byway of the Dominican Republic EMBARRASSING IPOD SONG "I have the soundtrack for The Lion King. but he's got to look natural and healthy. DOESN'T SOUND LIKE HARD WORK TO US! It's definitely fun being on the other side of the camera. GO TO MAXIM. New York..M. < 3:15 P.M. ..Maxim Office Assistant RESUME WE'RE HELPING THE UNEMPLOYMENT PROBLEM BY HIRING ONE GORGEOUS MODEL EMPLOYEE AT A TIME.11:30A. That's gross.. Best coat check ever..llike a guy who's cut. I love doing photo shoots." FAVORITE FOOD "Chicken parmesan or rigatoni pomodoro. put lipstick on her.M. YOU'RE WELCOME.. so a banana-pineapple smoothie.M.lfl'm prepping for a fitness event. WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE MODELING. giving you pointers on howto better yourself. They don't even notice that women are there! But everyone is really helpful. 1987 HOMETOWN Brooklyn.. but now I actually do a lot offitness competitions-Ijust won the model and bikini divisions ofthe Musclemania Empire State Championships! It's sort of like bodybuilding without being super buff." NAME Johanna Sambucini BIRTHDAY January 30.COM For exclusive videos ~. TODAY YOU WERE # PUT TO WORK AS OUR PHOTO ASSISTANT. DO GUYS GET INSECURE ABOUT THEIR BODIES IN FRONT OF YOU? The men at the fitness competitions are really into themselves. ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO THOSE BODYBUILDER TYPES? No. WHAT KIND OF STUFF CAN WE SEE YOU IN? I have a background in pageantry. I had to make sure the model was camera-ready. Then I curled her hair. WHAT EXACTLY DID THAT ENTAIL? Well. I love competition. 5:40 P.. "This shade really brings out your cleavage.

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tropical scents and delicious tastes that stimulate my senses and always sets new standards for where the limits in experimentation lie. Why DonQ Rum? I love DonO because it is a Puerto Rican rum with the cleanest finish and best tropical taste. my mind is always flooded with new inspiration. bright colors. . Medianoche sandwiches..A Miami is the closest you'll get to Brazil. RALEIGH HOTEL Letyourguthang out atthe glamorous pool. oxtail stew. What advice would you give an aspiring mixologist? I would tell any mixologist that it is vital to understand the spirits you're using and the characteristics that define each of them. shake. like 2010 Hometown Hotties finalist Lisa Moralesit's her favorite spot. This is what makes DonO Rum my personal favorite because of the fresh intensity of the infused flavors. PUERTO SAGUA Hitthis old-school diner on South Beach's famed Collins Avenue for Cuban food even Castro would float here to eat. but any experienced bartender knows a cocktail must stili look delicious and appealing.READON AS THAIS EXPLAINS AT HOWMIAMI INSPIRESTHE COCKTAILSSHECREATESAND THE INGREDIENTS SHEMOSTGRAVITATES TO. ~2p. It is also important for mixologists to know that the presentation of a cocktail is almost as important as the taste. It's impossible to go wrong with rum that has such delicious properties and appealing aromas. serious coffee-all for cheap. This allows for the ingredients to be combined in a way that their properties can complement each other._-_. fashion show events. where a man can sip plfia coladas with impunity. What are your favorite ingredients? My preferred ingredients are usually tropical spirits and flavors. 3p . ~P. That is why I consistently use it in my most delicious signature drinks. What is the best thing about mixing in Miami? The best thing about mixing in Miami is my gorgeous work environment at Nikki Beach. add ice and two ounces ofLeblon. ADVERTISEM ENT Masters WEHIT MIAMI BEACHTO MIX THINGSUP WITHTHAIS KRANICK MIXOLOGIST NIKKI BEACH. and DonO Cristal all contain the finest flavors and natural ingredients. JOE'S TROPIC THUNDER STONE CRAB Settle in at this 98year-old institution for-duh-the local specialty: stone crabs with Joe's famous mustard sauce.The Great American Bar Search MAXIM IS ON THE HUNT FOR COUNTRY'S BEST WATERING THIS MONTH WE SHAKE OUR IN VICE CITY. LEBLON CACHA<.-. unless you pick up this cecheca=e rumlike spirit made from fermented cane juice-and make a caipirinha: Muddle a few lime wedges with sugar in a glass. artists and performers. __ . and an all-girl bartending staff. P.M. MARACAS MIAMI MIAMI! 5PM . Arriba! Or whatever. . a great jukebox.M. M TED'S HIDEAWAY This dive is a perfect place to pre-party before hitting Miami's swanky clubs: cheap drinks. One should never be afraid to break boundaries when it comes to making a new creation. BENVENIDOS A THE HOLES.M._ o : ' YOUR SALSAFIED SORTIE STARTS HERE. NIKKI BEACH An open-air club of oceanside cabanas filled with beautiful people. DonO Coco. I am consistently exposed to the latest music. fried plantains. The atmosphere is always overflowing with excitement. and pour. With an ongoing array of food creations. DonO Lim6n. . great music and amazing entertainment so there is never a dull moment! What's your inspiration for creating cocktails? My inspiration definitely has a lot to do with my surroundings..

featuring the very best nightlife hotspots Miami has to offer. -. OOOOl Stop in for nightly live music from blues to reggae to electronica. big man? Chic yet low-key. top off with Sierra Mist and garnish with a lime wedge MAXIM LEARN HOW TO EASILY MIX UP SOME OF THAIS' FAVORITE DONO COCKTAILS. --_. jam the bill under the bottle cap and pop it open.M. of cranberry juice Garnish with a lemon wedge DonQ~ RUM (i) Dona Rum. • 2. Bet your friend that you can open the beer using only the dollar bill." That's how it'll go. . ---_. of pineapple juice 2 oz. Mokai attracts models and the celebs who bang them. TOBACCO ROAD Miami's oldest bar has the pa perwork to prove it: liquor license No. which once appeared in Miami Vice.\fM CAI"ttAt OF PUERTO Rlcas. • 3. of cranberry juice ~ CITY GUIDE MIX MASTERS VIDEOS Scan the code on your smartphone to see Thais Kranick mix up her favorite DonO Rum cocktails.. LeBron sightings are likely! 1. 1~M. Give the crinkly bill to your duped friend..DonO. what's a lousy dollar to you. And don't forget to check out Maxim's City Guide App on your iPhone.BAR TRICK FILE NO.--..-. 35 CASH MONEY You'll need: '1 dollar bill '1 unopened beer bottle-not a twist-off •Strong fingers •A casual attitude toward money 9p. iltustrations by BROWN BIRD DESIGN ADVERTISEM ENT Mix It Up. Don't have a scanner? Search for ScanLife in the App store or go to maximonline. ~ ~ ---. DonO Limon Rum 6 oz. DonO Coco Rum 6 oz.. He will be incredulous. the #1 selling rum in Puerto Rico www. M.com/donq. of lemonade 2 oz. plus mouthwatering burgers and ribs..-. and then fold it in half. NIKKI BEACH PINK LEMONADE 2 oz. DonO Limon Rum 5 pieces of lime 5 fresh mint leaves 2 teaspoons of sugar Shake. on WOlLD . At the fold. as tightly as possible. 1926). MAC'S CLUB DEUCE BAR Takea break from velvet ropes atthis rowdy dive (est. "What? With just that flimsy dollar bill? No way. NIKKI BEACH COCONUT BAY BREEZE 2 oz._.. 3A ..---. After all.. NIKKI BEACH MOJITO 2 oz. LlV This two-floor "superclub" in the Fontainebleau is open till five..M. 4.com RUIllSof R.--_. Ratherwait till morning? Happy hour starts at 8 A.. Roll the bill like a cigarette..

PUT ITO NTH E P LAS TIC Americans bought $530 million worth offake Christmas trees in 2010. That number is from the National Christmas Tree Association, our third-favorite association. Step upyourgame, NBA!

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LOVE FOR THE GLOVE

Picking the right protection for your mitts isn't as easy as it seems. Select the closest approximation to your profession and we'll select the right gloves for you this winter.

Andy Pratt from Wilkens Fruit & Fir Farm teaches you how to cut down and mount your own Christmas tree.

...

THE WOODSMAN Leather Gloves Find you rself working outdoors more often than not? Do you hang out with Bear Grylls reqularly? If the answer to either question is yes, these are for you. Try: Lined Goatskin Gloves, Filson, $120

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"Grab a buddy and a bow saw and get underneath the tree so that you're basically just pulling the saw back and forth to cut through the trunk. Your helper should give a little pressure on his side to make sure the cut doesn't bind on the saw, and it shouldn't take more than four minutes. [ don't recommend using an ax, because you won't get a clean cut and you'll damage too much of the bark."

o

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"Just before you put the tree up, you should cut another inch off the trunk. This will open up the cells that may have become clogged with sap since you cut it. Always make sure you keep the tree in enough water, because if it runs out, the sap will harden on the bottom and the tree won't draw any more up."

o

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MAXIM NEWS FEED

Textual Healing The Internet is putting summer-camp girlfriends to pasture with fake9irlfriend.co, a service that will text you made-up missives.

'.
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Captain Planet JeanBeliveaujust finished walking the globe in l1'yearsthrough SIX continents, 64 countries, and 53 pairs of shoes .

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On,Donner! On ...Crank! Santa would have to visit 822 homes per second to deliver gifts to all American households on Christmas Eve.

32 MAXIM DECEMBER 2011

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QUESTION!

Wantan answerfrom an incredibly untrustworthy source? Send your queries to ask@maxim.com.

Ask Maxim

ANSWERING ALL THE QUESTIONS YOU NEVER KNEW YOU HAD (AND SOME YOU DID).

take tobea spy at the CIA?
BENJAMIN SMITH, TROY, NY

What does it

;. In order to be the next Jason Bourne, you need a little bit more than the ability to run as quickly and handsomely as Matt Damon. A 3.0 GPA with at least a bachelor's degree is a must, and an interest in international affairs will help. Degrees of interest to the agency include business, economics, and biological or chemical engineering. Though most movie spies work alone, candidates for the real CIA are required to work well in a group. To top it all off, you must go through two personal interviews, thorough medical and psychological examinations, a polygraph test, and an investigation into your personal history. And if all that hasn't totally ruled you out, there's also a drug test. Way to harsh our mellow, CIA!

WHAT DO I DO IF MY EYEBALL POPS OUT?
Brian Bonanni, M.D., of Gotham Lasik explains how to pop the peeper back into its socket.
Use a saline-soaked gauze pad to hold your escaped eyeball. Avoid touching it with your fingernails. You'll scratch it and make things worse, dummy! Hold your eyelid wide open and gently press your eyeball into its socket.

o o

o

Do animals get bored?
DON CARBONE, VIA E-MAIL

Does tapping the top of a soda keep it from blowing up?
JOEL LEK, SALT LAKE CITY, UT

Go to the emergency room, if you can see it.

o
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;. Would you be content just sleeping, sitting, and eating all day? Of course you WOUld, duh. But you'd get stir-crazy if that was your whole life, right? (Yeah, still probably not.) Kristen Collins, an animal behaviorist with the A5PCA, confirms that pets definitely get bored: "Many common pet behavior problems stem from chronic boredom." So how can you help? Collins suggests you "take your canine buddy (and chick magnet) for a hike." Good idea! Or: ''Teach your cat to walk outside on a harness." Terrible idea!

;. According to Ed Meyer, chairman of the Baldwin Wallace College physics department, yes! "If there are bubbles beneath the surface of the beverage when the pressure is released, the carbon dioxide in the solution will diffuse into the bubbles, forcing the drink out the top." And then: boom! Tapping the top of the can or bottle releases bubbles from the sides and toward the top, where they're harmless. Unless you're allergic to bubbles-then you'll die. Thanks, science!

The eyeball is attached to the bone structure of your face through nerves, muscles, and fibrous tissues, so if you want to try this, make sure the guy swinging a bat at your head is really strong.

Percentage of prisoners granted parole if they had A.M. hearings. Afternoons? Ten percent.

x

EET

34 MAXIM DECEMBER 2011

curve. stop. snowstorm.veNtus ST veNtus AS Utyftapro NT Be one with every bend. screech of every surface. Hankook. Driving Emotion "HanKOD_K driving emotion ©20ll Hankook TIre America Corp . slide. downpour.

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Your Ultimate Entertainment Authority Maxim has the worst jokes. Remember why stereotypes can be funny? The pains of growing up The pains of parenting Remember the girls who made you cry? I Hate My Teenage Daughter A pair of friends do every thins they can to sivetheir sirlsthe childhoods they missed out on. who un-PC an array of characters. DECEMBER 2011 MAXIM 37 . but realize they've raised two brats. Those arejokes~ / - THETV MERGER T DO THEY HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON? Angry Boys An Australian mockumentary series about teens from the twisted mind of Chris also stars as Lilley.

" What's your favorite thing about Maxim? STATLER: The women. Statler & Waldorf: From the Balcony. STATLER: Yeah. What have you learned about each other after sitting together for :. but once I'm gone. STATLER: And he's the one with the mustache.IN HONOR OF THE MUPPETS' RETURN TO THE BIG SCREEN. Howwouldyou review The Muppets? STATLER: It's like no movie you've ever seen before. New Year's Eve 38 MAXIM DECEMBER 2011 . STATLER: That's why we can't figure out what he's doing in this movie. STATLER: You're old enough to be mygrandfather. WALDORF: As for Amy Adams. who's gonna know the difference? WALDORF: I'll have what he's having. WALDORF: That sounds nothing like you." STATLER: "Yeah. we'd be happy with no billing atall. . WALDORF: And if you're lucky. What are young men lacking that men your age have? WALDORF: Lower back pain. it'll be like no movie you ever see again. WALDORF: In fact. How do you want to be remembered? STATLER: As someone who cared deeply about people. Will you finally get top billing? STATLER:Wedon'twant top billing. STATLER: You can't be in love with her-I'm in love with her. WALDORF: And probably break the newsstand.I&v.. and that was nothing like a good joke. WALDORF: You! You're old enough to be her grandfather. especially from our doctor's office! S&W: Ho-ho-ho-ho! What do you think of costars Jason Segel and Amy Adams? WALDORF: Jason Segel is a very funny performer. S&W: Ho-ho-ho-ho! This is your seventh major movie.' The lives of several sin!Jles and couples intertwme in New York City on the most anticipated niBht of the year. STATLER: The abilityto get up seven times in the middle of the nightto use the bathroom. STATLER: I'll have what he's having. WALDORF: Y'mean there's other stuff in Maxim? STATLER: Notthat I've ever noticed.••• WALDORF: He's the tall one. What's your drink of choice? WALDORF: A prunetini. Could Miss Piggy be on Maxim's cover? WALDORF: Not unless it was a multipanel foldout. What's your favorite heckle? STATLER: Here's a classic: "Hey. You had a show where you reviewed movies. STATLER: Piggy on the cover would hurt newsstand sales. STATLER: Yeah. WE BICKER WITH CRANKY BALCONY STALWARTS STATLER AND WALDORF. that wasn't half bad!" WALDORF: "You're right! It was all bad!" And who can forget this gem: "There's nothing like a good joke. '". let'sjustsay I'm in love with her.

Si. ©2011 American Honda Motor Co. Based on 2012 EPA mileage estimates.Si Coupe We're all different. Your actual mileage will vary depending on how you drive and maintain your vehicle. Use for comparison purposes only Do not compare to models before 2008. HF. Coupe. and the car with the highest gasCivic Hybrid: The next-generation Honda Civic.com "44 city/44 highway/44 combined mpg for Civic Hybrid. Si Coupe model shown. Inc . EX-L Coupe model shown. The Sedan. powered fuel economy in its class: the 44-mpg-city civic. HF model shown.honda. Hybrid model shown. That's why there are five Civics. EX-L Sedan model shown.

beardiest boss in the game is back. even ifit is considered the best Floyd album (by us anyway). . but with Achtung 8abythey were actually pretty damn cool for awhile. I make your car dreams come true! Are you a car nut? Totally. self-righteous arena rockers. a photo book. and what are xour duties as ' Fairy Garage Mother"? Five winners get to race with pros. they are still that. WHAT YOU GET: What is SPEED's "Dream Ride" contest. and popped speed like Tic Tacs. motorcycles. two discs of demos. "When We Stand Together" Leather-lunged Canadians go for an arena protest song. "Bonfire" On his latest. SUPERSIZED SINK YOUR TEETH (AND EARS) INTO THESE DELUXE BOX-SET REISSUES. A remastered version ofthe original. Barrett was such a mess that when he stopped by the studio no one recognized him. but couldn't they have included a DVD ofthe 1979 movie version? The original. you fill your head with drugs and try to create a "teenage symphony to God. fourDVDs. four discs of extras. " The Beach Boys The SMiLE Sessions BoxSet THE STORY: How TheWho Quadrophenia: Director's Cut The do you follow up Pet Sounds? If you're Brian Wilson. and go to SpeedDreamRide.Maxim! 40 MAXIM DECEMBER 2011 . "I Love My Bitches" The biggest. PRICE: $120 IS IT WORTH IT? For obsessives only. There's an IndyCar ride with Mario Andretti. when mods battled rockers. "Shake It Out" The British songbird is going to have a helluva time finding a venue big enough to contain this anthem. PRICE: $180 IS IT WORTH IT? It's one ofthe Stones' best albums ever. end up with a pop hit.. Yes. and various photo shoots. it's practically a bargain.. cruised around on Vespas. noirish ballad. Zooropa. Mick drew on punk and disco in this sleazy odetoNewYork nightlife. and various chotchkes.. but buy the regular edition and spend the leftover cash on beer and Keith Richards'memoir. Donald Glover's alter ego name-checks Casey Anthony. WHAT YOU GET: Townshend's favorite album is great. I'm into late '60S and early '70S muscle cars. including one devoted to 24 differenttakes of "Good Vibrations." PRICE: $134 IS IT WORTH IT? It's pretty cool. WHAT YOU GET: Pink Floyd WishYouWereHere ImmersionBoxSet THE STORY: Floyd's trippy tribute to founding member Syd Barrett. a stock car ride with Kyle Petty. They're very sexy. PRICE: $117 IS IT WORTH IT? With 10 discs total. com to enter.a 92-page book. two DVDs of arcana. and five discs. "Video Games" Our newest indierock crush makes us weak in the knees with this moody. who dropped out after dropping wa-a-a-y too much acid. Live takes of Wish tracks. PRICE: $148 IS IT WORTH IT? U2 Achtung Baby Super DeluxeEdition THE STORY: U2's attemptto go alt rock and shed their rep as earnest." No wonder it was never released. and more. a book. We would have to do it in the car! Catch marathons of your favorite SPEED shows starting on Thanksgiving.a 100-page book. and Keef battling smack and the law. and more. Do you find getting busy in a car hot or Just uncomfortable? I love it! It brings me back to when I couldn't be a bad )(irl at my parents' 'house. though die-hard BB fans probably have bootleg versions already. and . ! Two LPs. WHAT YOU GET: The original. a DVD. monster trucks. and 16 art prints. spitting over a seriously banging beat by Just Blaze. two discs of extras. ROCK CLASSICS. a book. The Rolling Stones Some Girls Super DeluxeEdition THE STORY: With newaxman Ronnie Wood on board. Human Centipede. its follow-up. WHAT YOU GET: THE STORY: Pete Townshend's rock opera about the Who's roots in swinging London.

Movie Crush: Olga Fonda
THE GORGEOUS MODEL TURNED ACTRESS SINKS HER TEETH INTO BREAKING DAWN. THE MOVIE MERGER
DO THEY HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON?

...

villain: Professor Moriarty.

After the Prince of Austria's death, the detective and his sidekick have to trackdown a devious new

Sherlock Holmes: AGameof Shadows

Solving a high-profile murder Set in ixqos LondonBritish accents all around! Basedona book loosely based on real people Setin1930S Paris-why all the British accents? Discovering the secret ofaheartshaped lock

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Justa month after sexying upthe boxingrobot flick Real Steel, brunette beauty Olga Fonda returns to the big screen in Twilight's latest installment, Breaking Dawn. "It's a small part, but I'm very happy to be part of such an amazing franchise," the Russian stunner gushes. Since her character serves the menacing Volturi coven in Italy (don't ask), she didn't get the chance to meet Robert Pattinson ...not that

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she would've been starstruck. "When American films first came to Russia, a lot ofthem were with Robert De Niro and AI Pacino, so those guys were the idols," she explains. So what's next for Olga now that she's faced off against robots and vampires? "My dream is to get my motorcycle license and take a road trip through the desert. I don'tthink people know me in that way, of trying extreme things." Well, theydo now.

Martin Scorsese's foray into 3D follows a boy train station, a youn,g ,girl, and a broken
livin,g in a

Hugo

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robot.

~~~._

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photograph by NICOLAAS DE BRUIN

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"We used nipple clamps. "but he did.a 25-year-old store manager. hoping her boyfriend will notice. 'TIS THE SEASON FOR TEASIN' The easiest way to give her a gift she'll never forget is to tap into her fantasies. says she's dying to bring props to bed and play out a naughty-girl scenario. Los Angeles sex therapist Magen Todd. Then put your cash back in your wallet and get ready to give her one oh-holy-shit night. The best part? When I'd try to return the favor. by ASHLEY ROSS Stuff Her Stocking THIS YEAR GIVE HER THE GIFT SHE REALLY WANTS TO UNWRAP. The sentiment was sweet. He took his time until my body was almost numb. recom- A Santa was very confused about which list to put her on. Curiosity is important..) mends offering up yours first." she says. Some women may prefer to drop hints about their sexy wishes. "Next he relaxed me with a full-body massage. says her boyfriend once presented her with an IOU that promised to wake her up with oral sex each morning of Hanukkah. he got a sheer fire-engine-red bra and crotchless panties." she says. Fay. a 34-year-old executive assistant." She returned the favor days later and says her memory of how great it felt turned her on the whole time. and he combined several of her fantasies into one amazing night. And what better way to do that than by putting her needs first in bed? If you do it right. it'll even result in a gift for you. But instead of the chic nightie I would've liked. and spank me with something. tried the method with her boyfriend last year. When it comes to giving girls presents. "I didn't think he'd follow through on it. and it was amazing! I'd wake to him slowly pulling off my panties and starting to lick me. a 29-year-old paralegal. a zj-year-old editor." she says.D. I was literally begging for it." Maggie. it's the super-creative gifts that are the most memorable. read what real women have to say about the sexiest holiday gifts they've ever gotten-and a few they still hope to receive. So before you pick her up a shiny new vacuum cleaner. He said morning was my time. If she's too shy to tell you hers. She leaves her browser open to sex-toy sites. By the time he put himself inside me. requested a similar gift last year.'. And he wasn't just trying to get it over with. Ph." JINGLE HER BELLS Though candles and rose petals can go a long way." Simona. (HINT: IT'S NOT UNDER THE TREE. . "I told my boyfriend that for the 12 days of Christmas he had to do 12 new things in bed. the old adage is true: It's the thought that counts-as long as you show you were thinking about her." she says. so keep your eyes and ears open. "I'd love for him to run feathers or a brush over me.Thirtu-three percent of people surveued b~ Trojan Condoms said theu boned a coworker during or after an office Christmas portu." she says. photographs by BROOKE NIPAR . played follow-the-porn. "Fantasies can cause anxiety for people. "and use a vibrator on me while we're having sex. he'd never let me. pull down my panties. tried a bunch DECEMBER 2011 MAXIM 45 n ex once surprised me with lingerie for a present. did it on a train. Then he fingered me and went down on me. "but you have to be willing to take that risk. Lindsay. "First he tied my hands and blindfolded me. not mine. but the gift was about his desires. But most of all I want him to lean me over.

of new positions. And the best way to do that is to shift all your focus onto her in bed. $139 RCVibrator Lingerie designer Kiki de Montparnasse turns a trashy gift classy. Sara. He'd go down on me and start with fluttering strokes of his tongue. I get to find him in bed. dreaming about what he had planned for that night. a picture of his dick-and then at the end. shopper." she says. and we steamed up the mirrored walls. "GO TO MAXIM!. Haven. My fantasy is for a guy to let me know that my orgasm is his only mission. he's been really listening to what feels good. Guys have vivid imaginations about sex-why don't they do this all the time?" ALL YE FAITHFUL Ultimately. a 28-year-old financial consultant. "which makes it hard for me to come. I'm hornier than ever. most women said the best gift you can give them any day is an earthshattering orgasm. $39 Banana Vibrator ." she says. "I sometimes worry about being the center of attention in bed. says a boyfriend once set up a scavenger hunt for her in which she found cutesy presents at each stage-but she wished it'd had a sexy theme." Lauren. "I was so turned on that he chose something that included him learning more about what excites me. "After we were buzzing from the winery tour." she says. a 28-year-old hotel manager. but master the art of giving in bed and you'll earn goodwill the whole year through. "I'm obsessed with the idea now. a 31-year-old personal o COME. but that only made it sexier. He responded by taking her to an orgasm seminar. and we go crazy. It got so that I'd get super wet at work. that kind of sexual surrender is exactly what she wants for the holidays. "I want someone to send me on a hunt where I pick up toys or little things that make me feel sexy along the way-chocolate body paint. he made a bubble bath in the Jacuzzi. That's made me feel more sexual. $95 Mini Tickler Fleet lIya's studded cuffs are as fashionable as her giant purses. and he's totally reaping the rewards." See? Women are easier to please than you think. then move to meatier ones.COM for more real women revealing their sexplaits 1111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111IIIIIIIIIUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII FOUR SEXY TOYS THAT'LL MAKE HER SAY HALLELUJAH. "Ever since. had no idea she'd be getting a sexy gift when her boyfriend whisked her off to a winery and bed-and-breakfast for a weekend vacation. $375 Leather Cuffs The Sex-A-Peel vi be letsherputa banana in her pocket for once. NAUGHTY SHOPPING LIST Give her an 0 from 40 feet away with the remote-control Lyla by Lelo. too. furry handcuffs. a zz-year-old marketing manager. and then he'd tease me by stroking fast and then pausing until I couldn't take it anymore. "It got so we almost couldn't breathe. asked her boyfriend for an experiential gift last Christmas." she says." For Hadass. It might take a little creativity and effort to give her the holiday present she deserves." The element of surprise can work wonders.

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" GUILTY PLEASURE: "I'm obsessed with fast food. She needs some sense knocked into her. Florida BIRTHDAY: January 15. fries. "He's always been my idol. hamburgerseverything. 1987 FAVORITE WRESTLER: Stone Cold Steve Austin." DESIRED CELEBRITY OPPONENT: "Lindsay Lohan. Just putting that out there." ." DESIRED PRESENT: by CHRISTMAS "Shoes. I love Louboutin and YSL.Status Update HOMETOWN: Jacksonville. Nuggets." EMBARRASSING IPOD SONG: "Probably 'MMMBop' Hanson.

It's what 1100k forward to every year. Since then she's been overseas three more times. Guys definitely get intimidated because they see who I work with. "I'm gonna work my butt off.We also work with the Make. but it's a breath of fresh airto be with someone outside ofthe business. are you into really buff guys? I have dated a wrestler. Quickly winning fans with her megawatt smile. "We thought you were goingto be wrestling!" Luckily I had only one month of "Kelly's Expose" before I got in the ring. thanks to your routine stripteases. Hewas speechless. You also work with the USC. who used to do it in a diaper. Turns outwe almost got hit bya rocket! Are you excited for this year's Tribute to the Troops? [Airs December17 at9 P. I put my shorts upmy butt and stick it inmy opponent's face. Those are the matches where you pull out the big guns. and I talked to an eight-year-old boy on Skype. and one of the first models. Any memorable experiences from your trips overseas? The first time I went to Iraq Iwas 19. College freshman Barbara Jean Blank didn't bat an eyelash when her modeling agent asked if she'd be interested in wrestling. "I love it when you do the Stink Face!" For readers who don't know what the Stink Face is.A-Wish Foundation. so I was like. anything to get my foot in the door. I've already picked out my Christmas Army gear. traveling to Iraq to show offher killer moves. To win the title after being in the ring for five years-it felt like I'd really achieved something. so I have to check it when I travel. Ithink it's the best move. I was showering when all of a sudden this alarm went off telling us to stay in our bunks. but. My So-vear-old grandma will come when we're in my hometown with a sign that says WE LOVE KELLY. I was in shock. on NBC. It's gonna be cool.] So excited. And you have some proofthat you're actually a wrestler. and now they're my biggest fans. Everyone's like. the fans certainly warmed up to you.yes!" How did your parents react? You should've seen their texts I Theywere like. "Oh. like. What's been your most memorable match? The championship.Did you feel like you had to prove yourself? Definitely. I was the youngest Diva they'd ever had. A lot of the guys there didn't like me at first. but also just have fun with the troops. . yeah. My latesttripto Afghanistan was actually a little scary. since I was a kid. As far as dating. you know. mud wrestling?" When I started seeing my boyfriend. jo pounds. Kellywas chosen to participate in the WWE' s usa tour that year. please elaborate. andIgotamarriage proposal on live TV.M. Almost as attractive as Brutus "the Barber" Beefcake GO TO -'. I got it from this old wrestler Rafiki. but I don't care if a gu y works out every da y ofthe week-different strokes for different folks.rny God. It was so obnoxious. It never crossed my mind I could do this kind of stuff.Iwaslike. It was the most nerve-racking minute of my life. and to see guys who were my age fighting for our country really hit home. Ithought wrestlers were larger than life. Hewas like. because they were used to trainingwith girls who had wrestling experience. but my dad would sneak me into the bedroom to watch with him." Well. Exactly! The belt weighs. "You wrestle? Like. because I'd only been training for two months when I found out I was going to start appearing on TV-as an exhibitionist! When Vince McMahon showed me the routine. Less than a year later. Have you had any crazy fan experiences? WWE has some hardcore fans! I've had people askmeto sign babies. My mom thought it was too violent. It was my time. I had to show him matches on You Tube to convince himIwasn't a ring girl. and crushed her competition to become the current Divas champion. she became the youngest Diva in WWE history when she debuted as tiber-babe Kelly Kelly. sowhen WWE called and asked ifI wantedtotrain. It was funny. Not bad for a former high school cheerleader! Were you always a fan ofwrestling? Oh. 'cause you don't look like Chyna.COM MAXIM DECEMBER 2011 MAXIM 51 .

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" . ixo-pound dude. "Ifit were really war. sleep. You're trying to listen to the commander yelling at you and just trying not to mess up because somebody could die." When it came time to carry a fallen brother. but itwas a special treattotrain with elite soldiers-one he didn't take lightly." Of course. "I never feel like I've arrived. and Marines last summer. "Ifeel like I constantly have to prove I'm the best. AllengrewupinNorthern California. while other locked-out NFLers were dancing with the stars (Hines Ward) and bull riding (Ochocinco). "Ittaughtmethat bluecollar work ethic. TheygotlO times what they bargained for. as he tallied nine sacks and won Defensive Rookie of the Year. but it tooktill the fourth round of the 2004 draftforthe Kansas City Chiefs to pick Allen and sign him to a one-year. "If you put your mind to it. off the clock he makes some curious choices about howto spend his time. "It was emotional. it's his job to hit people. A usa tour in 2009 solidified his commitment to the armed forces: "Going to Iraq and Kuwait made me realize the sacrifice our troops make to be away from their families. Rangers. This world needs more moral heroes. Allen laughs. "Then you've got a guy pretending he died.The life of Jared Allen. who got off to a winless start. And that's where JaredAllen differs from the rest of us the most. "We've been known to sit on the couch for eight hours a day. now go hit the books." he says. he told his father he wanted to be a pro football player -a childhood dream as accessible to most as growing upto be Batman." he says of his QBtargets. I would've gotten shottryingto carry this dude 100 yards to the chopper." When Allen was eight. "Most parents say. so lots of Meat Loaf." he says. you can accomplish anything. Allen found it with the SEALs. Navy SEALs. The only on the line for their country. I thought. Allen and three other players-Drew Brees." On his return. 'That's nice. "You've had no sleep. the Minnesota Vikings' 6'6"." he says. Last summer. helping his dad on the ranch and surfing atthe nearest beach. he's kept his ego in check. Larry Fitzgerald. "My dad was like. "Then you get him on your shoulders andit feels like 400 pounds. I'm in great shape. can't breathe. You gotta eat. "I'm laidback. For one. and you gotta carry him out. He and his trainer even incorporated a military-style workout into his off-season training regimen [see next page]. Larry couldn't carry him." Allen says." he says. a ranch manager and horse trainer.''' Allen says. Johnny. His best revenge has been to average more than 13 sacks per year since 200S. "We came in on a helicopter. you're Backin Minnesota in September." If adrenaline is what fuels him. way I can describe the feeling is like a total rush of adrenaline. none of the players gotthe job done. a brother and uncle are Marines. no big deal. Matthews couldn't do it. We had big dudes dropping out after 10 or zo yards. "It's cool to see-they're training the mind to work together with the body. zzo-pound All-Pro defensive end. Nowgo run. For another. Ittakes a special person to put their life running. the only way you care about dropping a not -reallydeadguyina fake war is if you treat everything you do like it's the real deal. "You're like." Afterthe 2007 season. We play Words With Friends.") And he spends most of his time with his wife. another uncle is in the Air Force-he grew up with respect for servicemen. Then a little Ranger put him on his shoulders and ran soyards. But itwas the men's ability to harness adrenaline that was most surprising. even if it isn't. you've got gunpowder in your nose. whom he calls his best friend.''' 54 MAXIM DECEMBER 2011 Still. "They talk about controlling their emotions. We like the same movies-romantic comedies. "Goahead! More men need to admit to things like that. and drink it." IGOTTEN SHOT TRYING TO "INA WAR I WOULD'VE CARRY THIS DUDI. Coming from a military family-his grandfather was a Marine Corps captain. Oh. and Army Rangers. And 'Eye ofthe Tiger." Forthe normally invincible QB killer. And he gets paid about sro million ayear to do it. Allen was awaiting his first child and a turnaround for his Vikings. "I've never been the meathead who slams his head into a wall like. What's that Richard Gere movie? Shall We Dance?" Threatened with a public outing of his film tastes. Things are pop pin' off everywhere." Allen says. the Chiefs traded Allen to Minnesota." That attitude carried him to all-American honors at Idaho State. $100. But Allen's dad. Unnhh!" At home his karaoke machine gets a lot of use.000 contract. 'Cool. Away from the field he's a mellower presence. His father took a side job to provide for the family. and says he would've enlisted if the NFL hadn't come calling. Amy. ("I like power ballads. the moment stung.' I crush it." The soldiers' ability to preserve strength left a lasting impression on Allen. Bon Jovi. in which he earned his first All-Pro and Pro Bowl nods. a nonprofit that raises cash to build or modify homes for injured veterans. Ron. and there were black powder bombs going off. and Clay Matthews-headed to the Nevada desert to train with a group of Marines. It's manly to be a positive person. your legs and arms are shaking because you're so excited. gave the green light-and a bit of advice. Allen founded Jared Allen's Homes for Wounded Warriors." he says. but he wasn't a child of privilege. is very different from ours. I made it 20 yards and then fell down. a good hus band." he says. He's remained friends with several servicemen he met overseas. "Our mind-set was that it was 100 percent real. "they just kind of disappear. "If you get a good lick on' em.

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In a dream scenario." illustrations by CHRIS PHILPOT JARED ALLEN'S 2 PULL-UPS: STANDARD. created a no-frills workout that keptthe 6'6".MILITARY WORKOUT No gym? As soldiers know. WIDEGRIP. Boomer Grigsby. 270-pound defensive end in sternum-crunching shape.CHIN-UP One set of10. But the fact is. each style BOOMER SAYS: "The best way to maintain cardio is to superset these with the pull-ups. that's no excuse not to train. "They work. On a trip through the African bush last summer. there'd be some hills. which activates your grip. notjustflatterrain. FEET PROPPED Four sets of25. bodies aren't changed and Pro Bowl athletes aren't madeand when it comes to soldiers.LEFT Three reps for 60 seconds each." ." 4 PLANKS:STANDARD. CLOSE-GRIP. alternating sets of them in between one another. whether it's your buddy's deck or a tree in Africa. each style BOOMER SAYS: "You can always find something to pull up on." PUSH-UPS:STANDARD. lives aren't saved-doing 7-Minute Abs. Usually people don't like to do things that are hard. Don't let your man pieces hang to the floor or put your tail in the air likeyou want someone to be staring at it. Those arejust forms of cheating.RIGHT. Jared Allen's unofficial trainer and workout buddy. "There's a reason old-school movements should still be used. We even used doorways sometimes." says Grigsby. alternating positions BOOMER SAYS: "The key is holding a completely flat back." 1 STANDARDTHREE-TO FIVE-MILE JOG BOOMER SAYS: "The goal is to build a platform of cardiovascular fitness.

WHEN YOU'RE AN NFL COACH. best sleep you ever got with a cold . The non-drowsy. THEREARE NO SICK DAYS•••OR NIGHTS. stuffy head.. aching. All other NFL-related trademarks are trademarks of the National Football League. fever.. The nightime. aching.medicine. 2011. Use as directed. sneezing. best day even with a cold .. © Procter & Gamble. coughing. sore throat. sniffling. fever. Read each label. © 2011 NFL Properties LLC Team names/logos/indicia are trademarks of the teams indicated. Inc. . coughing.. Keep out of reach of children..medicine.

There are entire TV shows about men being insecure about their calves. This will make 'em deadly. Allen andBoomer oulddo w threeminutes ofjumping betweensetsofexercises. you've gotta get down there. It's an exercise of pure awesome. Not like those people you see atthe gym who throw 400 pounds on and move four inches." 7 PLYOMETRIC JUMPS One set of six BOOMER SAYS: 10 "From a squat stance. it offersanear-fullbodyworkout-back.arms. Clark? C'mon. right where your ass touches your hamstring." 6 SQUATS Foursetsof25 BOOMER SAYS: "Hands on your head or chest and squat to parallel-no quartersquats.JARED ALLEN'S MILITARY WORKOUT 5 SIT-UPS: MILITARY-STYLE Foursetsof25 BOOMER SAYS: "A full sit-up-all the way down and then up till at least your elbows touch your knees-is more difficult than people think. Like. Whenajog was impossible. It's all in the hips."Boomer literally thinksit'sthe best workoutinvention ever. that's where all your power is going to come from. PULL-UP BAR Versatile andportable." THREE JUMP ROPE Agreatcardioalternative. which is why most people don't do them anymore. This'll maximize sexiness. fire up into the air and explode with the hips. You wantto mimic the depth of movement you have in a lunge." 8 WALKING LUNGES Four sets of12 per leg BOOMER SAYS: "One ofthe most underutilized exercises. and never has a woman come upto me like. Though Iassure you I have pretty solid calves." Allensays joylessly. In anything athletic. you have beautiful calves. If you want any sort of ass power. really. 'God." 9 STEP-UPS Four sets of12 per leg BOOMER SAYS: "Step onto something at least two feet in height. Griswold. BASIC WORKOUT TOOLS ABWHEEL Thistorturedevice workstheentireab wallatonce. no half-squats. get deep. There's no better way to maximize your glute area.andchestaccording Boomer." SINGLE-LEG CALF RAISES Foursets of15 per leg BOOMER SAYS: "Find a step and emphasize a deep stretch. to . core.

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..-..-...-.-.-...-..-.....-.-..... THE DAILY-DEAL SITE ISN'T JUST THE FASTESTGROWING COMPANY IN HISTORY: IT'S ALSO A BREEDING GROUND FOR A GENERATION OF COMICS....-.-.......-.....-.-..... AND MUSICIANS...-.-.-.-.. 111111 DEC2011 PAGE62 1 .-.....-.........-..-..-..-.--......-...-.-.. ACTORS..-.-.... _ -..-.-.-..-...... WRITERS.-...-...--- .-..--...-..-.-..-...-.--.-.

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) Grouponhas expanded to 43 countries. comedian Marc Maron described the Web giant's HQ as "cultlike. To walk into Groupon's headquarters is to enter a bizarro corporate world where bouncy exercise balls serve as desk chairs. theater. and.Il'WUV. which rejected a $6 billion buyout offer from Google in 2010. From lOGgto lOU. PR disasters (Groupon's 2011 Super Bowl ads poked fun at whale endangerment. the professorial-looking 27-year-old helped produce the play for The Late Live Show. and pieces of individual flair." he reflected a few days earlier. Thirty-year-old Northwestern University alum Andrew Mason launched the daily-deal Web site in November 2008. . a phallus-obsessed spoof of Thornton Wilder's 1938 classic.eBay. and Tibet's humanitarian crisis). the president of a New Jersey IPO-tracking firm puts the number at $10billion. (How it works: Groupon negotiates with merchants to score discounted goods. They're performing a play called Dildo Town. Like some wondrous combo of amusement park and rec room. There have been ghtchydeals "et.Time SocialMedia Go gle . awesome place to work. "It's kind of dominating my life. market volatility has delayed its IPO and sparked doubts about Groupon'sworth. Texas to swanky yoga studios in New York City-has exploded. As well he should. and musicgeeks. I don't know why anyone would wantto leave. are encouraged. And while the company." says Beverly Macy.625. If you like scantily dad women and free boote.t midnight on a sticky Saturday in July. monthly parties. After all. "They just toldme to pack up my dildo and go home." Sowhat are Kibblesmithand Co. andamazon.INC. GOOGLE On a recent visit. an absurdistweeklytalk show and revue he and some coworkers debutedlastAugust. THE BOSTON BEER COMPANY Free beer! That's all you need to know about the perks of working atthe home of Sam Adams. and grown quicker than any other tech company. But the road to success hasn't been with- out potholes. an SECinvestigation into Groupen's accounting practices. but when Kibblesmith steps onstage to deliver the epilogue. which means customers can eat a $50 meal for $25. but this is a pretty . From the beginning. "It's like having a second full-time job. including AOL. Daniel Kibblesmith is backstage in a tiny theater on the fourth floor of Chicago's Second City. notto be all braggy. spawned hundreds of imitators. a library stocked withDonnieDarko and Chappelle's Show DVDs. except instead of being staffed by young l tech geeks.617 percent. Saturday Night Live it's not. it's full of comedy. There's a Ping-Pong table. In fact. author of The Power of Real. and loads of movies make working here more like going to college than Sitting in a cubicle. the lifeblood for a company that relies on sales and customer service. and a file cabinet topped with stacks of XMen and Superman comic books. bouquets were cheaper on FTD's own Web site). approximately 70 percent of Group on's Chicago employees are chasing creative pursuits outside the office.6 milllon-ea leapof)2. deforestation. looking ~ forlorn as he waves a giant black rubber penis." DREAMWORKs Its free food. MAXIM Seriously. Grouponhas focused on building up its workforce. listening to his friends sling dildo jokes. since then the company-which offers coupons for everything from divey steakjoints in Lubbock. conference rooms have names like Tyler Perry's House of Pain. it's a teenage boy's dream bedroom. a la Office Space. most recently. Between june 2009 andjune 2011." says one. was reportedlyvalued at $20 billion earlier this year. In short.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------.2 million to $392. OurTown. its revenues skyrocketed from $1.the company grew from 37 employees to 9. the animation studio's offices feature more toys than Richie Rich's bedroom.' 64 MAXIM DECEMBER 2011 PIXAR. he looks pleased. . doing when they're not telling dickjokes?They have actual nine-to-five careers-at the fastest-growing company in history. sort of like the Face book offices from The SocialNetwork. "It's the classic land grab-Groupon came out of the chute strong and hard. That Is.'. Groupon offered discounts at flower giant FTD.

.-.... .. (He's hired a man in a tutu to roam the office for a week and once bought a pony for visiting New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg as a joke. then adds.. As Kibblesmith says.-. who recently left Fallon for Comedy Central. Itwas the giant gorilla in the market.. "Without a doubt.-Thejob not only provides a steady paycheck to aspiring writers and performers.." How long Groupon can footthe bills depends onits ability to engage its subscribers.. a slight 34-year-old who helms Groupori's recruiting efforts (as well as acting.. so they're free totroubleshoot creatively.--..-." which has been likened to that of an unhinged professor. $37... "She felt super guilty. "But we make it fun by hiring fun people. whose Groupon-employed sister (an actress) and roommate (an actor) snagged hima job at the company last January. C... In otherwords: improv! AdalRifai. empathy....... A big reason customer service attracts actors and comedians is its flexible schedule: Reps. and gigs. Rifai borrows customers' accents for stand-up bits." says the Illinois native. anindie-rock singer who helped create the Voice Style Guide.. You're still on my good list.. rehearsals. Another scored a writing gig with Jimmy Fallon. taboo: pop-culture references...... the legendarily cranky recording engineer who has worked with bands like Nirvana and the Pixies. who get paid by the hour.."Towit: Paul Brittain.--... and a million other companies jumped in to follow. "Ourwriting style resonates with creative minds.-.-. Mason cold-called Albini for an internship.-. it was on the company dime. who.-.. holding on to the "Voice.-. "His employees aren't tools to him.. it also offers free inspiration...Marketing.. There's no preset problem-solving script.. even though the rule was one per customer.-.' and signed it 'Santa. and Voice editors...." When it comes to building Groupon's army. fact checkers." .." says Steve Albini. as a college senior..." says Toledano.." says Jessup.. The duo hit the music festival in a tricked-out bus decorated with Groupon decals. "So I said...... in was justworking customer service.-.. 'All is not lost. customer service.. In March. "Nobody started working here because of any kind of dotcom-style payday on the horizon. "We don't have time to stop and think about how big Grouponhas become.... "They comped all our travel and food.--. Groupon is just taking a page from Amazon's book" ·Groupon's employees.-. we're a better company because of Chicago'S improv community. teaching improv.-. I'll do my time here and make some good money." and recruiting the young talent who can cutthrough the clutter in a rapidly expanding market. but Groupon execs don't mind doling out salaries and benefits until their staffers move on. ." says Kibblesmith.-. to' .. a chronic pranksterwhose quirkiness has been elevated to an almost mythologicallevelin the press... "We lived like kings.' She said it made her day...... McDonald's MeRib commercials): "It's easy for corporate culture to become boring...-- .-." recalls Rifai. "A person's voice swims around in my head.-. Easyenough tofind in Chicago.. "Customer service is a hard job to be happy at long-term." he says. is a filmmaker.-. and the editorial department. don't seem too concerned with balance sheets and income statements. and that means continuing to expand.) A small percentage of Group on's workfcrce--mostlysenior management and earlyemplojees=stands to make a fortune when the company goes public.. Lots of corporate honchos would be taken aback by their employees' double lives...." Take the customer-service reps... Toledano. . 111111 One former staffer is now on SNL. once posed as Santa Claus when a woman wrote in after .. a 29-year-old comedian who has a weekly residence atthe iOTheater. I thought... Mason looks for employees who mirror his own humor.." says editor-in-chief Aaron With. It's not unlike waiting tables or tending bar. but there is a Groupon "Voice... "I think. and it's been hammered into the minds ofthe 440-person editorial department. he ended up getting hired full-time as an engineer....._ .) "Andrew's one of the most nimble thinkers I've ever encountered. an actual online document outlining what is and is not acceptable.. being in New York and L.A. can design their workdays around auditions.-.. I'd be making enough money and seeing my friends all the time... at least the vast majority who work in ad sales. (OK:"wildly absurd tangents".. and voicing its theater and improv scenes.-.-. All we know is thatwe'reworkingincredibly hard. is now acast member on Saturday Night Live.. writers the pay scale is not unlike any other entry-level writing gig. "When I started at Groupon." The company's lightheartedvibe stems from Mason.. made up of writers." The bulk of Group on's performers work in the 300-person customer-service department. led by 29-year-old Joe Harrow.-..-. and it'll fall out as a character...-.) Adds Dan Jessup.-. But for new DECEMBER 2011 MAXIM 65 . left last fall when he scored a writinggig atLate NightWithJimmyFaUon. "Amazon did the same thin g when it started [in 1995]. Man." says Albini..-." says Grossman.. a former sales rep." There may not be a script.... .....--.." He pauses.. We don't thinkofthe bubble bursting.. and creativity. when sales repsTeddyGrossman and Josh Teitelbaum went to SXSW with their rock band. whose jobis to fixissues with coupons and site usability." "Everyone here gets bored easily. "We gain a subset of employees who bring a lot of personality to the table. the breeding ground for superstars from Bill Murray and John Belushi to Tina Fey and Steve Carell.. another ex-staffer.-. And a huge tenet at Groupon is not to be boring..-. In 1999..--. "Andrew really cares about other people... (You may also recognize him from his hilarious turn on The Millionaire Matchmaker.. having insanely stressful jobs. illustrator. copy editors. traditionally the jobs of choice for aspiring stars hoping for their big break. it's something I struggle with... known for accidentally buying two Groupons.J.-...-. aside from churning out copy. "But now. Says Kibblesmith. and comedian.--. It's a highly articulated stylistic tone that informs the company's daily-deal write-ups. puns.000 a year or so...

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and it's one of my great passions. And like her streetsmart character. so people don't usually react to me like that.IUUI\. You used to hostthe show WCGUltimate Gamer. They know that if you call Hannah. And you've worked as a model. "Oh. You were kind ofthe enforcer. Do you play games yourself? I'm a casual gamer-let's put it that way. I'm the best friend who gets called when people get caught in trouble. and I'll get the most interesting looks from men. Of course I am! When I got the call. 68 MAXIM DECEMBER 2011 You playa pretty tough character. What's the worst pickup line you've gotten? I was at a party. Our favorite line on the show so far is when you threaten to "crazy-murder" somebody. What is crazy-murder. Very important question: Which has more pillow fights. right? Right! I loved it. What are we gonna have to do?" l loved that! I'm a pretty nice person. Did you prepare for the role by hanging out with gangs of roughnecks? I run my own gang! So Ijust take inspiration from my own life. Soyou'rea loyal reader? When I'm flying I'll pick it up. but I think I'm pretty streetsmart. but she does have the most angelic. " . It's a shame. Could we possibly see a Senator Simone sometime soon? I don't know! I'm more interested in humanitarian issues than going into politics. I was like.why is a girl buying Maxim to read on the plane? The women always look so beautiful. Hannah's here. We hear you have a degree in international relations and have worked with the U. NO. Iwas there to keep them in line and move the show along.N. Wow! It's really powerful. Like. the show's portrayal of being a model or the real thing? Well.I didn't hang out with any gangs. a Maxim dignity! ow's this for a recession-proof resume? Hannah Simone has moved from working as a model and doing humanitarian work with the United Nations to starring as Zooey Deschanel's scene-stealing sidekick on the hit Fox sitcom New Girl. there have been no pillow fights sofaronNew Girl. "I got you a lychee martini-an exotic drink for an exotic-looking girl. VII. you know? There will be pain and weirdness involved.K. she'll be there for you-no judgment.. and this guy taps me on the shoulder and goes. I wish there were more exciting feathers flying around. I'd walk on the set and all the contestants would be like. beautiful large eyes. Are you excited to be in Maxim? I'm very excited to be in Maxim. I'm sorry to say." I knocked the drink backandleft. and there were no pillow fights in the modeling industry when I was in it. exactly? I think the original line was. They feel supernatural. God. I worked as the human rights and refugees officer for the United Nations Association of the U. the talented Ms. "I'm gonna come over and use a tiny ax and shove a plant up your ass. It was really nice to be the authority figure on the show. Simone has the brains to back up her beauty. Has Zooey Deschanel ever hypnotized you with her eyes? No." Ijust thinkit means you're not gonna go down easy. I was so flattered. On New Girl you playa model. Cece.

My animal has hospitalized people. Marlies Dekkers bra and Status Update HOMETOWN: Los Angeles BIRTHDAY: August 3 WORLD RECORD: "World's meanest cat. and I thought he was so great and awkward and funny. My family lives allover." GO TO "COM MAXIM . I grew up watching him as a young." PET PEEVE: "Please keep your mouth shut when you're chewing." CELEB CRUSH: "Hugh Laurie." DREAM SUPERPOWER: "To snap my fingers and be in another place. so it would be the best. Giuseppe Zanotti shoes. dashing comedian from England. And I still have him.panties.

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I said.THE COLDPLAY FRONTMAN COMES CLEAN ON NEW SOUNDS. and I many Ambien. When I came was like. especially if it's an Italian gang. But I could never be in a van with my real brother. I think I done that thing where and you start but then you I but place. It was when she was still this tribalism doing Rated R. and I was trying to punch someone's head. Well. must've but I can't quite great in your30s same time. DECEMBER 2011 MAXIM 71 . byyour buff wrote for Rihanna didn't get rejected. without No. It's given us a gang mentality. Brian Eno told us don't worry so much. 'cause it isn't me. I have a lot of scars on from microphone a desk. I'm a very suspicious Do you have any scars thattell a story? bolt. Well. artln c::> Theonlylights thateverguided mehomewere e by JOE LEVY about? Because you've name-checked Beyonce so herto many times in the past. mydad though. hrIS ~JOOC'. my eyebrows We're impressed new physique.lt's So how did the Rihanna collaboration "Princess on MyloXyloto. woke up in this playground. I had I have a big scar on my neck. You're grappling mortality. becoming more successful in lots of places and coming under attack from new kinds of enemies. sleeping. we'll take that as well. records. is a metalhead. and I have one on my knuckle from punching Well. He said if I came out with massive curls no one would take it seriously. hear her sing Auto-Tune. around you take Ambien wandering just fall asleep somewhere. but it took so long-there's music where we're rock and stands." won't take it seriously you've ever woken up? I woke up once somewhere south of Chicago playground morning.. It's greatto straight. I did write a song for Beyonce. But the first time. "They anyways. "Fuck. and Kanye." come "I WOKE UP ONCE SOMEWHERE SOUTH OF CHICAGO IN A CHILDREN'S PLAYGROUND. We wouldn't seen that coming. Bruce in the past 10 years has turned generation new favorite discover avenues a whole new on to him. you're these days. "Who cares if we used to be Tower Records?" She's fucking rad. It's my favorite real singing on the or you're grappling on weight? on weight. I woke up next to an Oscar winner one time. So once we started thinking shelved in different like that. so much aboutJay-Z been a nice two of inspiration. it was in the and some west of England. That's not really a strange That is strange. but it got rejected by her A&R people. he would kill me in the He first three days. Both you and Lady Gaga have referenced inspiration Springsteen for your new have as cousin. all bullocks. Will Cold play's drumhe said I ugly mer] got me to cut my hair for the last album. it places in was. AI." place you're pop and you're hip-hop. and I love listening to her. AND SLEEPING WITH A CERTAIN OSCAR WINNER. a Harry Potter lightning used to fight as a band. butthey I was not too moved out of the way. in your 30s you can't let nature take its course. and it sometimes Whereas takes a while to doesn't get across those barriers. And the one I Do you think of your band as a gang or a family? It's one and the same. Ah. It's just Bruce about the there's something Born in the USA-period looked where he hit the gym and hungry again. Being sued and all And it was that kind ofthing. in the same decade. want to go anywhere near a piano. a 14-year-old even see those barriers. "This is no way to impress girls.starting with my dad saying never give up. story. Why? On our last record we had very high highs and very low lows. and atthe but you really go for it on this record as well. because looked like Art Garfunkel's got me into AC/DC and Pantera. OLD SCARS. allover tougher being worryingly man nice. that was pretty strange." work out how I got there. where surgery bailing twine. I was like. and we got married. That's howwefeel. got a Brazilian it was really quite near our hotel. I'm going to start writing What's the strangest ballads. And it's to discover a band. surgery when I was 11-1 had a lump removed-but was like a pitchfork back. definitely in a children's at about five in the I have a lot oftrouble and this is when we remember taking too album. Myyounger brother. [Producer] [Champion. what have they done?" I love it. but if you've supermodel So we're very driven to sort of prove ourselves again. we would have expected turn up on the album.. That was when I learned good of a fighter. but he doesn't in What's the best advice you've ever gotten? I'm lucky I've had so much great advice from my heroes . Not putting with putting with your What did the desk do to you? I was in a fight when I was about 12. of China.

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Before long." Dada says. "He was 260 pounds. Out stepped Kevin Ferguson. lifting weights in theyard. areal bad ass dude. he had jitters before his first backyard bout. massive. and there might not be room in the pro fighting world for two guys with the same look from the same 'hood. except nobody breaks it up. Sittmgin the muggy kitchen. had parlayed a viral video of a backyard knockou t into a burgeoning MMA career. and rocking a fuzzy. long before millions were tuning in on YouTube-a jocular giant named Dhafir Hartis. The biggest difference is that every bludgeoned eye." says Carlos Lopez. out this winter-a ferocious. Dada=jj. or Dada stops the fight when thecarnage gets out of hand. every dollar went to whichever neighborhood toughs bravedthe ring. him. he issued Dada an invitation: Roll with us. andspeed. misshapenmohawk-recounts the origin: fhis backy d fight club d his rise to notoriety. It remindedme of the best of the small-venue boxing matches 1used to see." This is Miami-based filmmaker Billy Corben. Watchingthe backyard fi. One afternoon in 2005. "But there was a ton of genuine skill on display. and occasional brawleris a 6'3'. The 5000wasbis flourish. you're putting down your guns. will propel them to pro fighting careers. Florida. Often when he hears that guys in his 'hood are beefing over drugs. but he'd never played organized football and he washed out. At the center of the mayhem as referee. swathed in tattoos. he created a fight league in their backyard and found friends to film and post the action online. as the air turns swampy. was something like 38-0." After graduating nearby Pa1metto Senior High School in 1997. likable. too. when you're pickingupyour fists. flattened nose. he'll Sh ke your hand and motion you in.Dada scored a tryout with the Carolina Panthers. money.Dadasawacardriveslowlypastthe house. there's no guarantee what shapethey'll be in when they get back out. and the blood doesn't come from a makeup artist-it pours from open wounds." as Dada calls him. Kimbo Slice. Hang a couple of rights and you're deep in Perrine. Neither he nor his mom can explain how she coined the nickname Dada. simple YouTube video had paid Kim booWith his mom's blessing. Dada withdrew from fighting and focused on flexing his promotional muscles. Those guysknowwhen they get in the ring. it's barbaric. sleepy-eyed but friendly. ROCky. like some back-alley brawl ina karate movie. with his natural charm and charisma. and friedchicken shacks. with casual panache. joining Kirnbo' 5 entourage as a driver. After the fight he Elephant Man. Hey. he began workingwith troub1ed adolescents and eventually earned an education degree from Barry University. Dawg Fight. Dada's childhood friend who'd grown uptwo blocks down the street. bodyguard. Dada's ring aspirations made Kimbo's management team uneasy. "The way I see it. Knock on the door Loudly enough and Dada is likely to appear in the doorway. When Dada sensed dark murmurs within Kimbo's circle. A pack of middle-aged men in wheelchairs idle in the shade. "Ferg. This is the house where Dada grew up. emcee.o all over my camera lens. "Close quarters. Still. bearded. then back up. she's just always called him that." According to Evan Rosenfeld. "laid out cold. alternately hyper and pensive. Dada had never lost a fight. n Rattled by his own might. A MiamiNewTimes cover story put Dada and his backyard operation on the map and brought Billy Corben and his filmmaking team calling.Igoj some paper towels and a bottle of water and washed it clean. Dawg Fightfeels like it could climb into the ringwithRaging Bull. And the excitement was palpable." he says. and everyone was cheering their hearts out.he says. Telemundo. "We saw one guy get knocked the fuck out. a. Dada leaped atthe opportunity. staged in a steamy backyard and later posted online. also known as Dada 5000. quite literally. "We went so many places. his record in the streets. I'm athletic. Dawg Fight chronicles a group ofloco locals who are trying. When longtime boxing and MMA promoter Rick Finn first heard about the fights. ifthey get back out. while kids roam the streets in a pack. KATZ AND EVAN ROSENFELD photographs by COLBY . flying withhimto fights aUaround the country. where the people in the crowd knew the people fighting. I met so many people. or fight Cluband come out standing. a gritty 'hood half an hour outside Miami. describing his first day on the set of his latest documentary. in a neighborhood where gunfire is the soundtrack to everyday life. Pass a liquor store identified by its pink neon sign as THE STO'. and a dozen other papers and TVstations. 280-pound bear of a man who grew up grapplingwi. they tap out. I was wonderingifhe'devergetup. I can do this. followed by the MiamiHerald. Dada had seen the dividends that one short. or women. "I'll be remembered and talked about long after I'm gone." Dada says." With its brutal violence and vivid drama. Back in Perrine. check-cashing joints. point-blank study of the underground backyard fighting scenein Perrine. strength. funny. you'll veer wide onto an avenue lined with pawn shops. squaring off against a friend named Chauncey. straight outta jail. and right-hand man. After chatting for a few minutes. he headed home to forge his own path. he'll invite them into the ring to settle the score. "The way r see it. to fight their way out of the ghetto." says Finn. a Dawg Fight producer. Soon fight day meant a tumoutin the hundreds." says Dada. "It's azby 12. And Irealized. where small. while his IDem. butthat just sme . Dada and his friends wrapped bluetarps over the fences around the yard and charged 20 bucks to get inside. They felt that Dada. my shirt to try to wipe it off. Ileastands behin Dada is engaging." Oddly." Corben says. whichhe still shares with his mom. or at least put a few hundred bucks in their pockets. you'll soon find yourselfleaving Miami's glamour andglitz far behind.ka. could eclipse Kimbo. he headed straight for Perrine. "1thought it would be out-of-controlstreetfighting. designed to promote confrontation." "On a certain level. "But you can never underestimate the human thirst for violence. I'm marketable. Dada's fights have become a fonnofrelatively peaceful conflict resolution. ESPN. brightly painted homes cluster on one block and lowrise housing projects stretch along the next. an MMA promoter who's become one of Dada's closest advisers. hoping their DIYcage matches. he says. take your 74 MAXIM DECEMBER 2011 house with a shiny blackChevySUV and two old Cadillacs parked in the yard. Finally.ghtsis Like watching a real fight in the streets. • • IF YOU'RE HEADED for Dada's house from South Beach. He had the size." Dada says.th his two older brothers here in his mother's backyard. "This was the life I wanted. ed the blood everywhere. and crackedjaw is real." Each match ends one of three ways-someone gets knocked out.

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who feared that without oversight. None oftheir crew had ever been to Perrine. They began to spend all their free time filming in the elaborate tree fort in Cypkin' s backyard: sNL -style skits. "One friend tells us it wasn't rape. As Rosenfeld explains. But overtime they found themselves welcomed by Dada and the crowd as honored guests-even with hundreds of people around. Alfonso "Chocolate" Frierson. "We're not the violence. It's something to aspire to. Molloy has told Dada. a kind ofTHC-infused prequel to Cocaine Cowboys. not one piece of equipment went missing. after a year as backyard fighting's Don King. but at least they have a downtown view. and Cypkin. If someone were to get knocked out in Dada's backyard and never get back up. purses. Square Grouper: The Godfathers ofGanja. having forceful sex with her that bordered on rape. SAYS DADA OF KIMBO SLICE. his impressive de but led to a series of paid fights in the months that followed." Before their first day of filming. Spellman." says Molloy. 22. scheduled at Hollywood." The three decided totake a semester off and headed for Gainesville to investigate the case. Limelight. Dada's savvy intelligence. "It took some courage to step in there and go at another guy with bare knuckles. The next friend says the tape's absolutely disgusting." Corben says. the police in Perrine turned a blind eye. a block party. aboutthe Miami Hurricanes football teams ofthe '80S. making the three zi-year-olds the youngest filmmakers everto garner an invite. When at last someonetookthe challenge. we're the alternative to the violence. Cypkin says. too much alcohol on the premises.and Spellman stayed close to home atthe University of Miami. "Everyone thought we were drug dealers. mini-odes to Hitchcock and Spielberg. they heard from pals in Gainesville about a video that had surfaced of some University of Florida frat boys filming themselves with a stripper." For some Dada's ring has become the stepping stone to a pro fighting career. At first it was hard to locate anyone suicidal enough to take ona guy who could benchpress 650 pounds without breaking a sweat. remembers that on the day of his first match he wasn't even scheduled to fight. Thomas Molloy. But we were filmmakers!" For college Cypkin headed to Tallahassee to study film atFlorida State. Dada got the call he' d been waiting for -a pro MMA bout. and their latest doc. Everybody's radiating positivity. a ready-made fire storm called Raw Deal:A Question of Consent. while thick Miami bass rumbled from giant speakers on the lawn below. In high school the guys got serious. Though the fights were blatantly illegal. there could be dire consequences. MMA managers and promoters began visiting Perrine. MMA fans would drive all night to geta $50 front-row seat. More documentaries have followed. and a handful of others were plucked from Dada's weedy back lot to the MMA stage. DIYhustle. including The U. After a few more fights and a few more first-round KOs. the Rakontur gang made careful plans for howto evacuate ifgunplay broke out. But Perrine's known as a place with no hope. Mel Brooks movies. three junior-high pals in North Miami Beach-Billy Corben. or feature improper matchups. Alfred Spellman. "The money didn't matter. passionate eighth-grade filmmakers. watches. Spurning deals in New York and L. I GUARANTEE I'M GONNA KNOCK HIM our IN THE FIRST ROUND. "Fight days feel like a streetfair. Corben notes. But could he harness the moment? IN THE EARLY 1990s. since anyviolence that went down was contained within the ring. neighbors selling parking spots in their yards. they felt. kids hung in the branches of a neighbor's towering tree. an hour up 1-95but worlds apart. What was most compelling aboutthe tape. "There's some rough 'hoods in Miami. Soon aspiring fighters were flying in from out of state to compete. Alex "Bruce Leroy" Caceras." Corbenremembers." Even though Chocolate was pinned. was the polarized response it seemed to elicit." says Cypkin. "The fights are a community event." Overhead. and before long Rene "Level" Martinez. Eventually. which they dubbed Rakontur. "He thinks it's horrible that the woman's trying to ruin these guys' lives. while Corben they soon set their sights on their next project.." he says. Miami remains home to Corben. "You have vendors selling food. they were immediately hooked. and bravado had earned him a shot at the big time. and Dave Cypkin-each received video cameras. Florida's Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino against an opponent named Cedric "the Killer Gorilla" James. "I wouldn't rule out a manslaughter charge. which recently played to enthusiastic crowds at the Tribeca Film Festivalin New York." . launchingtheir own production company. earned raves and a premiere atthe Sundance Film Festival. there's just a desire to be seen. so when they caught wind of Dada 5000 and Perrine's backyard fighting subculture. while Dada tussled with his brothers in his backyard. Just as Perrine's backyards bred fighters. For a lot of guys. "We all had pagers. a study of the Miami drug trade in the '70S and '80S called Cocaine Cowboys. Dada decided to channel his 76 MAXIM DECEMBER 2011 inner Mike Tyson and step back into the ring. The result. the Cypkinfamily's comfortable backyard spawned a trio of ardent. Dada's unsanctioned bouts would ha ve crowd -control problems.A. Dada left the guy's face permanently mangled. The only heat came from the Florida State Boxing Commission and its executive director. In their junior year.

more decisive victory.. The fighters clutched each other. since Dada deserted Kimbo's camp.. you better be secure. ." he says." By the time Dada stepped into the ring for his MMA debut. whom he met at church." Dada.. careened. a quarter for a C.." Theloserwill be left to pick up the pieces and find a new path to follow. made for ESPN's 30 for 30 series. . who'd put together the bout at the Hard Rock. Lucky tries to explain: "See. I'm glad I got to watch the dos and don'ts so I won't make the same mistakes. until at last he disappears out of sight.." he laughs. Kimbo's going down.. and wave flies away with a rolled-up newspaper. "All they want is to please someone. so<tfor a B. He'dliketotry boxing and challenge for the heavyweight crownthe dearth of appealing contenders has dealt the sport a blow. areal soulful dude.. knock you down. butonfightdayI throw a switch. you always getto be Dada. I roll with Dada to his friend Lucky's barbershop. ''I'mreadytotakeoutaloan. DECEMBER 2011 MAXIM n . "But itwas the most exciting fight ofthe night. Mr. Alfred Spellman.. just as James worked his hand free and began rainingpunches down. though." says Llerena. Slice!" Kimbo's clearest misstep. His trainer. remembers that before that night. .. Instead Dada offered him heartfelt thanks. doze. from Dada's perspective. the referee pulled the men apart.. there'd been some public shit -talking with Kimbo and his crew. He went from sleepingon an abandoned bus to riding in limos. "and he's there at3:So.. is more emphatic." Finn says. Dada says. "I'm generally peaceful. "This isn't about hoping for a windfall. . "By the end of report-card week. Kimbo Slice looked on from beside the ring. Then... seems to admire Dada's magnetism. bloodied and beaten. I'm gonna knock him out in the first round. But we're getting paid to do the work we love . he's been with the same girlfriend. though he and his trainer still had butterflies. and he'd even be open toprowrestling. but nobody knows for sure who's going to win. and having his name in lights: He was doomed to self-destruct.. COCAINE COWBOYS This look into the Miami drug trade is like a real-life Scarface... Often local kids gather to watch.. "IfKimbo can keep the fight on their feet. a group of kids flipping each other around in the dirt pause to watch him recede into the gathering darkness. I've seen the transformation.." says Dada. Me and the guys.'' Talk turns to Kimbo Slice. and Dada believes he can spark its resurgence.. . "I guarantee you. The Doc Doctors . But he's also excited for more MMA bouts.. in a vacant lot. Dada's opponent.. and Dave Cypkin-have carved out a dream life by making the kind offast-paced." says Chocolate. after a second.. "I tell Dada to meet me at 4 A." As encouragement. he'll succeed at whatever hewants to do.. I'm gonna be the last man standing. he's got a chance. Kimbo's MMA career stumbled. After Dada bowed out ofKimbo' s circle. "He's a cool guy. The team behind Rakontur Films-childhood buddies Billy Corben. it's sunny.. he threw himself into the work of becoming a better fighter. He believes Kimbo got famous too fast. tooka dive. They'll likely pound it out in Las Vegas or Orlando sometime this January. shyly gawking. "Kimbo's gonna have to kill him. "Filmmaking's about as good a get·rich-quick scheme as writing a sonnet.. "They won't admit it openly. "I recognize how much these kids lookup to us. butthe fight went on. gritty documentaries that would make Michael Moore weep. . director ofthe Florida State Boxing Commission. locked in a submission hold. "Nowit'smyturn. . and he's begun to edge into the hip-hop world. Every two weeks Lucky restores Dada's ornate. "Once he leaves the backyard behind.. and Dada lifted his armsin victory. which is simply a lone barber's chair set out on Lucky's front porch. LIMELIGHT New York's wildest nightclub of the '90s gets the Rakontur treatment. Spartan-helmet-style mohawk to its full splendor." RAW DEAL: AOUESTION OF CONSENT The team's first film examined a rape accusation. It's like the sky before a big storm: It's beautiful... Dada's got him beat. unable to come out of their stalemate. Early onhetookDada to the mat. S~UARE GROUPER A portrait of Florida's redneck weedsmuggling pilots.. Dada says peace to his barber and his trainer and walks off down the road to pick up some beans and rice for dinner before settling in towatchRocky Nand keep molding his dreams. With Llerena he's opened a fighting academy called Brawlers Extreme. "To take out Dada." Dada says." '!l . and then help you up. . already counting on a victory. .On the second afternoon of my South Florida visit. James' corner was furious.. he felt rigorously prepared. the details of his long-awaited battle with Kimbo have started to come together. After getting the call for his first pro MMA fight. stocky Cuban. slugging it out... a young. he'd seize the moment and level a challenge to his mentor and lifelong friend.. and for most of them there's no fatherin the house. THEU An examination of University of Miami football. To kids in Perrine. "Everyone's got an opinion. It's a little hard to reconcile Dada's jovial nature with the warrior lurking inside of him. DAWGFIGHT Dada 5000 is the star of this raw glimpse into Perrine's fight scene. was a lack offocus when it came to training: Kimbo was distracted by girls and partying. "Nuh-uh. surrounded by a ring of white plastic chairs. on the other hand.. And I tell you. is looking past Kimbo. Dada says he's learned from his mentor's mistakes. I've never seen a fighter with Dada's heart-he refuses to lose. Some expected that once Dada won his first pro bout and was handed a mike.. we've taken on that role. But now." Dada agrees. Cedric James. it took James two full minutes after the fight to lift himself off the mat. and the Rakontur crew was there to film the action.. Dada feels ready to take Kimbo on. a lot of purists expressed their dou bts about Dada's abilities... They felt his brand of backyard brawling hadno place at a big-ticket MMA event.says Spellman. Dada and his fighters are real-life superheroes.. Dada provides cash bonuses to the kids on his street when they do well in school-a dollar for anA.. But if Dada takes him down and works the ground game." says Molloy.James collapsed.." one of them cries. says he's never seen someone so motivated.. The winner will earn the title "Kingofthe Streets.. butthose same guys who were doubting Dada-theywere the first ones begging me afterward for a tape of his fight. and with each blow Dada landed. Dada's manager." "Yeah." This evening. Raymel Llerena....." Dada says. "He didn't know how to handle certain things..." Even Molloy. Boxing promoter Rick Finn.." Overthe past few weeks. recently recording a fighter's anthem called "Puttiri' 'Em Thangs on 'Em. . Then they resume. his confidence swelled. where stalklike old men chitchat. Dada. for the past few years.. Dada's the kind of guy who'll greet you.M.. wasa bruising grappler known for his ground game. Finally. but when the storm hits. the future hasn't quite arrived. doesn't blow his time chasing girls. Across the street.... living in a mansion." OVER THE YEARS. As Dada's adviser Carlos Lopez recalls. I thank you. "He's a thinker." Lopez. Perrine's other native son.

. British mega-babe 78 MAXIM DECEMBER 2011 ...e "'- F "'cs I" « Leilani Dowding has been heating up the Miami season of Tough Love.1! 0 .FOR » z s 0 C II: -.5' . c -. III .

One day I got a call from my dad saying. I'm like. How did you go from pageant queen to Considering you originally studied economics. Over here it's totally normal to see other people. It caused a scandal but also raisedmyprofile. I could take advantage of that and have five boyfriends. you'll get more than a threeword answer."They got used to it. If a girl is interested. "I was in the World Series. but I played!" PICKUP'LlNE ADVICE: topless Page 3 girl? I planned on going backto school. definitely have betterteeth! Butl haven't gotten used to the whole dating thing. "Yeah. " HOMETOWN: Bournemouth. What body part do men find the sexiest? I love showing off my back. I didn't get anywhere. how did your parents react? Theywere upset thatI didn't tell them. where she's been working with a matchmaker to learn why she's single. we haven't got a clue! Is Tough Love your first reality show? I was on Celebrity Fear Factor UK. but then I gotthe Page 3 offer. Dad. but I'm a one-man girl. Talking about emotions can be harder than sticking your head into a bucket of maggots.guysinL.From being crowned Miss Great Britain to posing topless on TheSun's "Page j.A. butthis is different. These days she bares more than just her bodyon VH1'S reality series Tough Love. A lot of my LeilUna dresses are backless. Looking at these photos. but the frequency with which I play it.' It's not the song that's embarrassing. England BIRTHDAY: January 30." IPOD DECEMBER 2011 MAXIM 79 . 1980 SECRET TALENT: Poker. "Just ask for the time. You're in a house for 10 weeks with eight girlsthere were plenty of tears. "Hold on a minute-why is your hand on my stomach?" Status Update Nowthatyou live in the States." Leilani Dowding is no stranger to the spotlight. and I've had guys try to sneak their hands around the corners when they give me a hug. and in the end I even posed with my sister." SPORTS GO·TO CRUSH: DRINK: Mark Sanchez Raspberry vodka and Sprite EMBARRASSING SONG: "Justin Bieber's 'Never Say Never. We'll have to Google that. You're also a successful designer. "Are you topless in the newspaper?" I said.where I had to walk on the wings of a biplane and do some other stunts. how do American guys compare to the men back home? Well.

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The boys must breathe! Overturned Turtle Dare to make yourself vulnerable to having your D-bag nephew whacking your nuts with a pillow. Armrest Cowgirl Ride offinto the sweet sunset. The pain is exquisite.The Cleaning Cat Ritual cleansing of Cool Ranch Doritos dust can be extremely erotic ifdone correctly. Mount up. The Punching of Own Balls Try this move in the fourth quarter if you've put money on Romo. Really get in there. . Regulators: We're headed to Broke Taint Mountain! Presentation of the Gifts Splitting Bamboo For experts only: loss of baby-making ability becomes a very real threat when you put your bird on awire like this. The Soaring Eagle let no person consider laying claim to your pleasure lone. Just because your brain is unconscious doesn't mean your body has to stop partying.

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and there is just Shaq. "The Big Aristotle and all those other guys are dead. It's amazing. We pile into his Dodge Charger and we're off. Shaq happily obliges." He makes plenty of people smile when we arrive at the mall. a stack of cash amounting to $848 looks impressive. He calls over two guys cutting grass in front of a building. "I get love from everyone: grandmas. $848 may not go too far. the effect he has on people. let's go. Destination? Orlando's Mall at Millenia." he says as he speeds away." As a last dunk in his backboardshattering career. Unending waves of camera-phone-armed shoppers follow his every step. squealing with delight and asking for pictures.When itcomes laced in most people's hands. Jelaiyah." Ready folks? It's time to play America's favorite game: famous people spend Maxim's cash! We give them 848 smackers. I'm proven correct as he tips the valet parking attendant $40. "Anything you want. After 19 years of banging bodies and throwing down more than 28. always entertaining (but not nearly HE MAY HAVE RETI from THE MBA. He throws more than a few literary elbows at former teammates. "OK. he hands each of them a crisp $100 bill." I tell him. Shaq writes the way he plays: at times vicious. bodyguards. but they were working on the grounds of a building lawn. but you'd be wrong. and peels off bills for them as well. this year one thing is for certain: There will be no Shaq. WATCH OUT. In the hands of Shaquille O'Neal. "They call me the Sniper on the shooting range." he tells me. which hits shelves this month. It's a registered police vehicle. Shaq has a fleet of cars. Shaq Uncut. went to three police academies and as a sheriff has assisted in more than 500 arrests over the years. I flew down to Orlando with the bundle tucked inside my waistband like some sort of drug mule and drove straight to Shaq's za-Hour Fitness gym to hand it over. you may remember.. and sideways-cap-wearing douches named Turtle." Does Shaq drive to the mall like he is in high-speed pursuit of a wanted felon? And does his registered police vehicle help him get out of tickets for blowing through red lights 7 I'm not goingto say yes. WORLD: SHAG'S just GETTING STARTED." We hit Brookstone. OF STEEL is NOT _lll'lll ABOUT to DISAPPEA intoa FORTRESSof SOLITUDE. Just as their brains are coming to grips with the fact that Shaquille O'Neal is standing before them. "I've gone through at least 100 of these for real. is done. but before we get to that it's time to go blow some dough. make 'em smile. but I'm not going to say no. ) butthis 7'1" . but then he looks up and sees Shaq. I like to take care of people who take care of me. "Now it's just Shaq. "I know that's hard to believe with my foul-shooting record. who has earned hundreds of millions of dollars. You'd probably expect the most dominant force in NBA history to be surrounded by a swarm ofPR people. I don't miss. he's written a memoir. lose DECEMBER 2011 MAXIM 83 . and it's like someone suddenly jammed a rainbow up his ass. sweating. and Shaq grabs a $60 uControl Cloud Force RC helicopter. I walk into the gym's in-house playroom. the Big Aristotle. and they blow it however they see fit. it looks like Monopoly money.. "Those guys were working hard. It occurs to me that with Shaq." he says. and his adorable fouryear-old niece. and a million other nicknames. gangsters. as sweaty).. We're halfway to the mall when Shaq suddenly pulls over. all 7'1" of him. "They didn't know it. A group of women comes out of the building. Lockout or no lockout. Five hundred bucks disappear in about five seconds. "I get them and then I get excited.000 points. A familiar devilish grin spreads across his face." he says. Shaq. They just about have a heart attack. the man known as Shaq Diesel. thugs. but this is the one he likes to cruise in. You'll see some dude scowling as he's shuffling along. "What am I supposed to do with this?" he asks.

Shaq regains his focus. He was looking to bring the franchise into the inner city and wanted me to be the front man. depending on where you stand on being trapped in a carwith a seven-foot drag queen. and now Magic is getting my money!" I ask this master of self-marketing ifhe has any advice for LeBron's damaged brand. 'You could hit someone driving that fast. In the last five years. Despite the cashier's best efforts. Soon we're shuffling off for a snack. He's picking up a little something for his girlfriend. jump lights." Shaq credits his parents for keeping his head straight all these years. thanks for the opportunity. When I first came in." 84 MAXIM DECEMBER 2011 SHAQUITA ROCKS BEYONCE This video is either hilarious orterrifying. a game room/discotheque. Shaq stops and apologizes. and starts to walk out. but he's also had his share of missteps. I don't wanna say no names [he mimics swinging a golf club]. I knew this ain't gonna last forever." Speaking of angels. I'll buy 100 pairs.' Kareem lost everything making bad investments. Shaq tweets that after 19 years of ballin' and brawlin'." Shaq. the Shaq Center. "I came to Miami off three championships.' So I passed on it. because my brand is based on reality. While he sinks shot after shot (seriously!) and I brick shot after shot (humiliatingly!).M. I want her to put it on right when we're getting ready for whatever and I get super excited and fucking rip it off. sign this man! PANTS-OFF DANCE-OFF WITH DWIGHT HOWARD AND LEBRON JAMES The pants stay on. our final stop is Victoria's Secret. "I'm studying to get my Ph. Nikki "Hoopz" Alexander. My dissertation is on the duality of humor and seriousness in relationship styles. "Hitthem before they can hit you. I don't do that. pays up (he's burned through our dough and is peeling bills off the massive roll in his pocket). but I had to be true to myself. I'm in charge. a backyard boat dock guarded by Superman. whom you might know from VH1'S Flavor of Love. my father threw Kareem's autobiography at me and said. He looks in the bag and notices one of the panties didn't make it. we'll do you a favor and save you some time and tuition: The four NBA championship rings on your fingers seem to answer that question just fine." is on full display here. And by that I mean Shaq and his girl like to race each other home-he in his Charger.M. another $40 is stuck in the valet's hand. "I met with Howard Schultz. and his indoor basketball court. a bunch of guys tried to create my image. Shuffle is the operative word: Shaq recently had Achilles tendon surgery and is walking around in house slippers. and we're off to the races. "Victoria's Secret has a nice scam going on: You put it on just to take it off. but I'm not going to sugarcoat it. 'Howard. "Can't I buy some bras and panties without someone wanting a picture?" he laughs. I've been to the finals four times. It was 2 A. which includes a garage crammed with Dodge Chargers." He also gets a $25 kids' toy for his niece. where Shaq gets himself a slice of pound cake and buys $70 worth of frappes for everyone in line. such as myself. that's good! Trademark that!" He poses for a bunch more pictures in the parking lot. Shaq does not buy a $5 flashlight key chain. • - - - - ~ - - - - - - - - - VIRALSHAQATTACKS Videos that stu pefied and horrified America. but they created him like he was a perfect angel! Don't act like you're an angel when you're in the goddamn gentlemen's club. in human resource development." Shaq picks out some skimpy delights. 'If you make me a size 22. the CEO of Star bucks. I said. "I want to get her something to show that I'm thinking of her. where Shaq bought her a $70 top.' I was like. "Once I was coming home after a game and had to take a dump. Size 22 house slippers. he describes Kobe as a socially awkward. SHAQ FIGHTS MIX Shaq's personal philosophy. ladv!" he shouts at the cashier. Oooh. I have to call the company and tell them. "Shaqapulco. and pull maneuvers usually best left to Bo and Luke Duke. "When I signed with Orlando. If you've ever felt embarrassed buying your girl lingerie. selfish baby.'" We stop at Starbucks. How can I maintain?" By getting smarter.crash. and you were nowhere to be found. she in a Land Rover. "No. They cut through parking lots. My image is what you see. Our favorite line: "I don't love 'em and leave' em / I got a vasectomy / so now I can't breed 'em." Orlando's finest might not put the hammer on Mario Shaqdretti. a taxidermy room filled with animals that had the misfortune of being in the same jungle as Shaq. He's made some incredibly smart business decisions (buying stock in Google being one). But the Maxim answer is. imagine picking through a barrel of panties while 37 - "CAN'T I BUYSOME BRAS AND PANTIES W~ THOUT SOMEONE WANT' GAPICTURE?. Theywere like. because I am anxious to see who is more effective: the humorous guy. TELL ME HOW MY ASS TASTE" Shaq freestyles about a certain ex-teammate. Make sure this doesn't happen to you. "Hey. "You can't just buy these. I do. So my concern was. is looking to get hit. UFC. It's called Shaq Uncut for a reason. I ask him about his book. Field's cookies and GUESS by Marciano. THAT'S ALL. Nikki met us somewhere between Mrs. but the security guys here in this gated community are not thrilled as we zip by. he tells me. Shaq's midcourt windmill leaves the other giants looking like SNL cheerleaders. I'll be an expert on leadership and talk to Fortune 500 companies. but I've never seen a black person drink coffee. He's a great guy. 'Anyone out - here at 2 A.' people stick their cell phones in your face. or the sterner guy. Some people will be upset. Shaq's Charger is the first to arrive at his 64. In it. he's hanging up his size 22 shoes for good. .'" Shaq gives me a tour of Shaqapulco.D. He calls Skip Bayless a clueless buffoon and says he hated playing for Pat Riley. FOLKS! Fromthe desk of his home office in Orlando. You don't know what you're talking about. thankfully. Don't tell me how to play. Now move so I don't mess up my stomach. It's a win-win. and they can't live up to it. "KOBE." Is he worried about their reactions? "Doesn't matter what they think. "What are you trying to do to me? Those are my favorite ones!" As we walk back to the car.000-square-foot abode. and I'm like. 'Read this fucking book. Most athletes today have their image created.

yOU for 'lour orderl MAXIM DECEMBER 2011 MAXIM 85 .00 $40.00 $75.00 $167.00 --------------------------------Random gifts to gardeners and office workers Mall parking valet Brookstone remote-control helicopter Brookstone kids' toy Starbucks Guess top Victoria's Secret Mall parking valet ----------------------------------Total $977lShaq paid the difference) Than\<.00 $25.00 $70.ORDER MPoLLOf MILLENlPo $500.00 $40.00 $60.

hat. Paid Distribution by Other Classes: 15c. 415 Madison Ave. NY 10017. Lynn Goldsmith/Corbis.949.97. Robin Williams. Najlah Feanny/Corbis. Ocean/Corbis. Bob Oliver/Getty Images pp. Owner: Alpha Media Publishing. Full House. ABC Photo Archives. Maison Close panties.88: Anthony Bourdain. David James. Robin Platzer/Getty Images. thermometer. Waring AbboWGetty Images.. please send us a note V>Athyour current mailing label or address to: Maxim Customer Service. 4th Fl. Superman. Publications Agreement number 4C031590.97. 12. 130.. TeL 212-302-2626 ..222 94. Jaap Buitendjik.521..!Everett Collection. Robb D.950 596. New York. Picturesl Everett Collection. 14. Larry Hulst/Getty Images. David Corio/Getty Images.02-022: Nick Leftley.034. Michael Ochs ArchivesiGetty Images. Statler and Waldorf. MEP/Getty Images p. $54. Ebet Roberts/Getty Images 6 CLOTHING CREDITS pp. Percent Paid: 3. NY 10017. Total Free or Nominal Rate Distribution: 15f. PO. Box 503. 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_ _ _ _ ~ _ _ _ ." I I'm a lousy skater. More portability! Less wasted garage space! $849. Transparent sprayed-on grip tape lets the eye candy pop. sprayed-on grip tape. its supercharged 1.. _ Howcan Ifall and not kill myself? Depends how you fall. r QtA _ _ _ _ _ _ _ . a skateboard crafted in the graven image of Springfield's finest nuclear-safety inspector. In fact. Joe fantasies of driving around and pretending to be Flint.r.. you want something that won't make you feel like you just gorged on fiber cereal._ _ _ _ _ _ _ Sideways spills Backwardbracing Face-first flops DECEMBER 2011 MAXIM 05 . these days you'll be hardpressed to find a single mass-market model that doesn't have a seat. But don't fret: Just 'cause your ride has a cushion doesn't mean you have to use ityou can still stand tall to brace for big-time bumps. yamahawaverunners._ _ __ _ _ _ __ "ONABOAT Get off your ass! Stand-up paddling is seriously relaxing and a seriously great workout. Then I can strap some plastic missiles to it and live out my G. any rusty ride will do. In fact. l.com WHAT MAXIM WANTS NickLeftley Senior Online Editor HOMER'S RIDESSEY~ Woo-hoo! Finally. Yes: Flint rocked. never putit behind you..com "IwouldlikeagenuineWWIIArmy Jeep.. Not only isthe2012YamahaFX SHO WaveRunner PWC one ofthe cushiest around. Yes: That's as fast as a Ferrari.HYDRO POWER ~ If you're just taking a PWC (that would be "personal watercraft._ _ _ _._-_. com. Mmmm. but itstill packs enough power for tow sports and watery drag races. $145. "If you fall sideways.7 seconds. capable of zooming from zero to 30 in 1. mfgbysc. try to roll like a ninja. the balance needed to keep you from face-flopping usually requires a mega-long board or kayak. $14. The superwide Santa Cruz Homer sports dual pies of the yellow one-a buttoned-up professional Homeron top and a party-time one on bottom (no tie!).__ . For face-first falls." says Red Bull team skater Luis Tolentino.com ' r QtA-_. But for all-day action." or what we say instead ofthetrademarked "Jet Ski" sowe don't get sued) for a loop on the lake. Problem is.000..000 from USMilitary Vehicles. try to put your arms down (and make sure they're bent like shocks) to soften the blow.8-liter rewer is the largest displacement motor you can geton a PWC. Falling backward? Unless you want your arm to spend the next several months in a cast. L. wildernesssystems. Screw that Snake Eyes guy.. AllthePWCsatthedealershiphaveseats. The Wilderness Systems Ride115 is thefirstsub-12-foot kayak that's safeforstand-up paddling. Why can't I find a stand-up model anymore? Blame global warming! The soot-spewing twostroke engines favored for stand-up PWCs are disgusting-and increasinglyillegal. which you can buy refurbished for about $20.

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