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I am so sick of Mike Newton always flirting with me!
When will it end?
While dward was on one of his !hiking tri"s# this
morning$ Mike took ad%antage of his a&sence and tried to
ask me o't again at l'nch.
I had ho"ed (lice wo'ld &e there to &ack me '"$ &'t no$
she and (ngela were giggling with their hands o%er their
mo'ths$ )'st watching 's.
!Why didn’t yo' hel" me?# I com"lained after I sat down.
!It was )'st f'nny seeing the look on yo'r face!# (lice
la'ghed. I glared at her$ &'t I co'ldn’t stay mad at her for
long$ and she knew it.
!*orry$ Bella.# (ngela a"ologi+ed. I smiled. !,on’t worry
a&o't it.# I told her. !Where’s Ben?#
!-e got sick yesterday after school$# (ngela said.
!*tomach fl'. I )'st ho"e it doesn’t s"read again.# !.eah$
that wo'ld &e the last thing we need.# I agreed.
(lice leaned forward. !*o what are we going to do a&o't
Newton?# *he asked in a low %oice.
!What do yo' mean?# I asked s'r"rised. (ngela raised her
eye&rows.#We are going to "rank him of co'rse!# (lice
said in a s'r"rised tone that im"lied I sho'ld ha%e reali+ed
!We need to "rank him with something that will make him
reali+e that Bella is taken.# (ngela "'t in.
/his s'r"rised me. Angela was act'ally "lotting to "rank
someone with (lice!
We sat in silence for a few min'tes$ thinking of ideas.
*'ddenly$ (lice &'rst o't0 !1ake tattoos!# /wo "airs of
eyes 2'estioned her sanity.
!We sho'ld make fake tattoos$# *he said im"atiently.
!Bella will wear one$ and dward will wear one! It’s
"erfect! I can see it now3#
What was f'nny was that she really co'ld see it ha""ening$
so I co'ldn’t &ack o't of it. !/hat’s a good idea!# (ngela
grinned. *he and (lice looked at me.
!(ll right. I’ll do it.#
!.o' want me to wear what?# dward asked. !It’s a fake
tattoo!# (lice e5claimed to him while we were at their
!I honestly don’t see the "oint in wearing one. I won’t do
it.# dward said firmly. -e t'rned to go &ack to his "iano.
!It’s a "rank on Mike Newton!# I called to him. -e was
&ack at my side in a flash$ his golden eyes lighting '". !I’m
in.# -e grinned mischie%o'sly.
!I made them already$ too!# (lice held o't her tiny hands$
where two fake tattoos sat there$ still in their "lastic
!/his is going to &e good3#
-alf of me saw no "oint in this childish "rank$ &'t the other
half )'st wanted to r'& that %ile Newton’s face into the
I wanted to "ro%e to him that Bella was mine.
When I saw the tattoos (lice had made$ I nearly choked
with glee. Mike was going to lo%e this!
(lice$ Bella$ (ngela$ and I already had the "lan set. (s we
"'lled into the "arking lot$ I co'ld see (ngela standing &y
her &oyfriend Ben’s car with an eager look on her face.
When we a""roached her$ she asked$ !(re yo' ready?#
(lice grinned. !6et’s do this.#
One &y one$ we all entered the school a few feet a"art so
we wo'ldn’t look s's"icio's. (s I o"ened my locker door$ I
saw Mike Newton enter the &athroom. Perfect. /he "rank
was in motion.
7ight on c'e$ (ngela &egan walking in my direction and
!accidentally# s"illed her water &ottle on my shirt.
*ome watching st'dents giggled. I heard 6a'ren think$
what a dumbass! I mentally growled at her$ &'t it was for a
"rank$ so I let it go.
!I’m sorry$ dward.# (ngela said in her 2'iet %oice$
so'nding mortified. *he was a good actress.
!It’s all right.# I told her. !I’ll )'st go change.# I "'lled the
s"are shirt I &ro'ght o't of my locker and entered the
Mike Newton had )'st walked o't of the stall and was
a""roaching the sinks when he saw me.
I hope he did that in front of Bella. -e tho'ght. Maybe now
she’ll realize what an idiot he is.
I walked to the other end of the room and "'lled off my
shirt. I co'ld feel Mike’s eyes following me. Per%ert.
What the fuck! -is tho'ghts screamed.
I had "laced the tattoo in my lower "el%ic area. B't that
wasn’t the f'nny "art.
/he f'nny "art was that the tattoo read$ Bella was here.
/here was also a small arrow "ointing down.
Mike’s eyes &'lged$ and he ran o't of the &athroom$ his
hands still co%ered in soa". I hae to find Bella!
I la'ghed$ and 2'ickly "'t on the other shirt. When I
reentered the hall way$ Mike had )'st s"otted Bella and was
half8r'nning toward her. (ngela and (lice came '" to me.
!*o far so good.# I told them.
/hey &oth had their hands o%er their mo'ths to stifle their
Mike skidded to a halt in front of Bella. !,id yo' know
9'llen has a tattoo?!# -e gas"ed wildly.
/he onlookers &egan whis"ering. !erfect. (lice tho'ght.
I’m recording this for "mmett and the other to see later.
!Of co'rse$ Mike!# Bella la'ghed. !Why else do yo' think
I got mine?#
*he 'n+i""ed her )acket and "'lled down the collar of her
/here on her chest was her tattoo that read$ Edward was
here. with an arrow "ointing down.
*e%eral onlookers gas"ed and &egan whis"ering amongst
themsel%es. I co'ldn’t sto" smiling.
#h$ how I loe payback. I tho'ght. Mike’s eyes o"ened
wider$ and he darted into the cafeteria witho't a &ackward
Bella a""roached 's$ smiling &roadly. (lice and (ngela
were in hysterics$ holding onto each other for s'""ort.
!It worked so "erfectly!# (lice gas"ed.
!May&e now Mike has learned his lesson.# Bella said.
I can’t &elie%e that the "rank act'ally worked! (lice had a
nat'ral high "retty m'ch all day$ &'t that’s how she 's'ally
acts$ so there wasn’t really a difference in her &eha%ior.
When dward and I a""roached his Vol%o$ he kissed me
lightly. !/hat worked "erfectly$ lo%e.# I grinned at him.
!.o' can remo%e the tattoo now if yo' want to.#
-e grinned crookedly &ack at me. !I think I’ll lea%e it there
)'st to freak him o't for a few more days. I )'st want to see
the look on his face.#
-e leaned down to kiss me again$ &'t then (lice a""eared
right &ehind him. -e grimaced theatrically and t'rned
aro'nd. !What$ (lice?#
!We sho'ld "rank Newton again!# *he s2'ealed. dward
rolled his eyes as we got into the car.
(lice and dward contin'ed to arg'e 'ntil we reached their
ho'se. !I’m "ositi%e this one will work!# (lice "leaded
when we were in the li%ing room. !What’s going on?#
7osalie asked$ her eyes still on the /V.
!We are trying to "rank Mike Newton again.# (lice
e5"lained. sme stood '" and closed the &ook she was
reading. !,on’t do anything that wo'ld get yo' arrested.#
*he warned. Witho't f'rther ado$ she went '"stairs.
!What do yo' mean$ again?# :as"er asked. (lice "'lled o't
the camera she had at school and "l'gged it into the /V.
7osalie$ :as"er$ and mmett watched Mike Newton’s
reaction to seeing mine and dward’s !tattoos#. !/hat was
hilario's!# mmett choked o't after they were done
la'ghing. !What are yo' going to do ne5t?#
!-ow a&o't a "rank call?# 7osalie s'ggested. !What will
Newton &e doing tonight?# (lice’s eyes seemed to 'nfoc's
&efore they came &ack to reality. !-e’s going to &e
watching /he 7ing with /yler 9rowley.# *he la'ghed.
!Perfect!# dward said. I stared at him$ s'r"rised. !It’s too
good of an o""ort'nity to "ass '".# -e e5"lained to me.
!(ll right$# I said. !I’ll do it.#
!:as"er will do the scary %oice$# (lice &egan scheming$
!(nd 7osalie and mmett will &e at Newton’s ho'se to
record the whole thing3#
/here I was$ sitting on the co'ch s'rro'nded &y %am"ires.
mmett and 7osalie were "erched in trees in Mike
Newton’s front yard$ well hidden from %iew. mmett had a
%ideo camera0 7osalie$ a walkie8talkie.
:as"er$ (lice$ dward and I were all sitting in a circle
aro'nd the cordless "hone. dward had the other walkie8
talkie cl'tched in his hand.
1inally$ 7osalie’s %oice came thro'gh. !-e )'st got "ast the
"art where they got the "hone call. .o' can call him now.#
:as"er grinned and dialed Mike’s n'm&er. 7osalie still had
the walkie8talkie on so we co'ld hear Mike’s reaction.
It rang once$ and then we heard a shrill scream. dward and
I were choking &ack la'ghter. 1inally$ Mike answered. -e
then said something that made o'r "rank go from f'nny to
!.o'’re on s"eaker"hone.# -is %oice was high8"itched$ as
if he )'st got kicked where it h'rts.
:as"er grinned e%illy and said in a dangero's and dist'r&ing
tone$ !*e%en days3..#
Mike and /yler’s res'lting screams were deafening. :as"er
2'ickly h'ng '" so they wo'ldn’t hear o'r la'ghter.
We were still rolling on the floor when mmett and 7osalie
!/ime to "'t these &a&ies on .o'/'&e!#
!(re yo' s're this one will work?# I asked 'neasily. !I feel
&ad getting 9harlie into this.# (lice looked at me. !I’m
"ositi%e this one will work. I saw 9harlie’s reaction. -e’ll
la'gh and all will &e forgi%en. It’s ("ril 1ool’s anyway.#
*he reminded me.
We &oth t'rned to look at dward$ who was "laying my
l'lla&y on his "iano. !I’m "erfectly willing to do it if it
means em&arrassing Mike Newton.# -e scowled at the
mere mention of his name.
!:ealo's$ m'ch?# :as"er la'ghed as he entered the room.
!.es.# dward said shortly. !Bella is mine and no one
!;reed isn’t a good emotion either.# mmett smirked from
the li%ing room. dward threw a "illow at him. !*h't '".#
mmett grinned wider. !,id yo' "ost the %ideos on
.o'/'&e?# I asked him. -e nodded. !/here were o%er a
tho'sand %iews in less than an ho'r. It was great!#
We all la'ghed. !What 'ser was it 'nder? What if Mike
finds o't?# 7osalie asked.#It’s 'nder the 'ser Mike*'cks$
and we are from Pakistan$# mmett grinned. !-e won’t
!What do we ha%e to do for the ne5t "rank?# 7osalie asked
!dward will &ring Bella &ack to her ho'se tomorrow
morning &efore school. 9harlie will still &e there$# *he
e5"lained$ her gold eyes e5cited. !/hey will "retend to get
into an arg'ment and dward will dri%e off. When 9harlie
asks what’s wrong$ Bella will tell him.#
!/ell him what?# I asked. (lice leaned forward and
whis"ered it into my ear.
O'r entire circle was shaking with la'ghter$ while dward
looked disgr'ntled. !Why Mike? Why co'ldn’t it ha%e &een
:aco&?# -e gr'm&led.
I h'gged him soothingly. !If it was :aco&$ then 9harlie
wo'ld &e "leased not angry$ yo' know that. Besides$ it’s
-e kissed me gently. !(ll right. 9all (ngela. *he can &e in
on it$ too.#
I nodded eagerly$ and (lice handed me her cell "hone.
(fter I dialed her n'm&er$ it rang fo'r times &efore her
yo'nger &rother Isaac answered.
!-ello?# -e answered. !/his is Bella *wan$# I told him.
!Is (ngela there?#
!.eah$ hang on. (ngela!# -e called away from the "hone.
!It’s Bella!# (fter (ngela recei%ed the "hone$ she said$
!-ey$ Bella! What’s '"?#
!We ha%e another idea for a "rank on Mike. (re yo' in?#
*he la'ghed. !Of co'rse! What’s the "lan?#
I wasn’t e%en done e5"laining the "rank to her$ &efore she
was nearly screaming with la'ghter. !It’s "erfect!# *he
choked. !What do I ha%e to do?#
!-ere’s the "lan3#
dward and I were sitting in his Vol%o as it tore down my
street. -e had the same disgr'ntled look on his face. I
kissed him firmly. !/his will work o't "erfectly. /r'st me.#
I said. -e nodded$ and "'lled '" in front of my ho'se )'st
as 9harlie ste""ed onto the "orch.
I )'m"ed o't of the car. !Why wo'ld yo' do something like
that to me$ Bella?# dward sho'ted. Only I co'ld see the
"ained look on his face. /his was tort'ring him. !It wasn’t
my fa'lt!# I "leaded. I slammed the car door and dward
(s a walked o%er to my tr'ck$ 9harlie gra&&ed me &y the
sho'lders. !What’s going on?# -e asked. !,o yo' two
ha%e a fight?#
!.es!# I so&&ed to him. !(&o't what?# he asked. -e was
clearly thinking I was going to lea%e again.
!,o yo' remem&er that "arty Mike Newton threw a co'"le
of weeks ago$ the one I said I wasn’t going to go to?# -e
!Well$ I went instead of going to dward’s like I told yo'.#
9harlie’s eyes widened$ &'t he didn’t say anything. I took
that as my c'e to contin'e.
I dro%e to school$ smiling &roadly. *o far so good. 9harlie
was following &ehind me in his cr'iser$ I knew. -e was
trying to kee" me from noticing$ &'t (lice told me he
I "'lled into the "arking lot ne5t to dward’s Vol%o. I co'ld
see him with a %ery sad look on his face. -e was a good
When I got o't of my tr'ck$ I "retended to &e na'seo's.
dward strode right into the &'ilding witho't looking at
me. -e was "laying his "art well.
When I o"ened my locker$ (ngela ran '" to me. !I can’t
&elie%e he wo'ld do s'ch a thing!# *he glared in dward’s
direction$ &'t she wasn’t glaring at dward. *he was
glaring at Mike$ who was con%eniently standing ne5t to
him$ watching the whole charade.
Mike tho'ght (ngela was glaring at dward$ and he grew
sm'g. !erfect$ I tho'ght. %ere comes &harlie.
*'re eno'gh$ I saw 9harlie’s cr'iser "'ll into the "arking
lot. -e got o't and stormed '" to the doors.
(s he came in$ dward slid o%er to my side of the hallway.
9harlie stormed right '" to Mike. Nearly e%eryone in the
hallway was watching. Whis"ers and giggles co'ld &e
heard '" and down the hall.
(ngela and (lice were hiding &ehind Ben and dward$
choking &ack giggles$ since &oth of them co'ldn’t kee" a
straight face for %ery long.
!-OW ,(7 .O< ;/ M. ,(<;-/7
P7;N(N/?# 9harlie roared$ s"ittle flying e%erywhere.
/he whis"ers "a'sed for a moment$ and then flared again. I
saw eyes darting &etween me$ Mike$ and dward. dward’s
li"s were twitching.
Mike’s face fell into one of horror. !*ir8I didn’t8!
!,ON’/ 6I /O M!!!# 9harlie roared. !B66( /O6,
M -7*61! -OW ,O .O< =P6(IN -7
Mike’s eyes darted to me. I "'lled down the collar of my
shirt again. /his time$ where dward’s name was$ Mike
was here. 9o'ld &e seen in &old letters.
Mike’s mo'th o"ened and closed like a fish. -e darted into
an em"ty classroom while 9harlie was t'rned away.
I co'ldn’t hold it in anymore. I &'rst o't la'ghing$ and
(ngela and (lice followed s'it.
!Bella?# 9harlie asked$ worried for my sanity. !What’s
!It was a "rank!# I choked o't. !I’m not "regnant!#
/he whis"ers in the hall t'rned to la'ghs. dward was
grinning &ehind me$ holding a camera.
9harlie fro+e$ and then he grinned. !Well$ I s're fell for that
one$ didn’t I?#
I was gen'inely s'r"rised that 9harlie wasn’t mad at me
after that last "rank. It was a little e5treme$ &'t it was
dward "'t it '" on .o'/'&e yesterday$ and got o%er ?@@@
%iews in one day. mmett was ecstatic at that news. I think
he’s o&sessed with .o'/'&e.
(t the end of the day$ (ngela$ (lice and I were sitting '" in
my room. (lice was &o'ncing '" and down$ and I knew she
had another "rank in mind.
!What’s yo'r idea$ (lice?# I asked her$ wary. (ngela
grinned at my e5"ression.
!Wo'ldn’t it &e great if Mike walked in on yo' g'ys?# *he
asked$ her eyes alight.
!I take Ayo' g'ys’ to mean me and dward$ correct?# I
asked. !,'h!# (lice rolled her eyes.
!-ow does dward feel a&o't this?# (ngela asked. !Will
he do it?# !Of co'rse!# (lice told her. !-e’s the one who
came '" with it.#
My mo'th fell o"en. dward was willing to lower some of
his "recio's &o'ndaries to em&arrass Mike Newton?
*'ddenly$ the door &ell rang. I got '" and went downstairs.
*'re eno'gh$ it was dward.
-e leaned down to gi%e me a kiss in greeting$ &'t for once$
I sto""ed him. !,o yo' really come '" with a "rank for
Mike Newton to walk in on 's?# I asked him.
dward smiled crookedly at me. !Of co'rse. /hen again$ I
only meant walking in on 's kissing$ of co'rse. Not yo'8
I &l'shed$ and he grinned wider. !Of co'rse.# I said 2'ietly.
-e leaned down to kiss me and this time I did not o&)ect.
!(re yo' g'ys done s'cking face yet?#
I whirled aro'nd. (lice and (ngela were standing at the
foot of the stairs$ watching 's. (ngela looked horrified at
intr'ding on 's$ while (lice was smiling.
dward was smiling at the look on my face. !1ine$ I’m in.
What do I ha%e to do?# I said.
dward’s grin widened.
dward and I dro%e '" to a "lace called Promontory Point$
which )'tted o't o%er 6a P'sh and had a good %iew of the
ocean. Most of 's teenagers went there with o'r dates and
to )'st hang o't if we wanted.
-e fo'nd o't that Mike was going to &e there with some
friends at a weekend &ar&e2'e$ which was "erfect. /hey
were holding said BBB not far from where dward so
con%eniently "arked$ which was good.
(s we "'lled '"$ I saw Mike’s eyes &'lge. -e was clearly
thinking of ways to &ail from his friends0 I co'ld tell &y
/yler 9rowley and ric .orkie were now staring at the car
too. /hey may not &e a&le to see who e5actly was inside it$
&'t they at least had an idea on what we were here for.
I co'ld hear Mike’s lo'd groan. !I ho"e it’s not mmett
again.# -e com"lained. I was co%ering my mo'th to stifle
the giggles that threatened to e5"lode o't and &low my
dward shot a de%io's smile toward me. Mike and his
friends then mo%ed farther down the cliff side$ toward
"icnic ta&les that were set '". /hey were far eno'gh from
's that they co'ldn’t see 's o%er :as"er’s car. -e and (lice
had arri%ed &efore Mike and his friends did.
!(re yo' okay?!# (lice then asked as she ran o%er to the
!.o' g'ys had &etter start s'cking face$ &eca'se I’m going
to get Mike!# *he whis"ered to 's.
dward nodded and then looked at me as (lice t'rned
away. !.o' don’t ha%e to do this$ yo' know.#
I rolled my eyes. !We are already '" here$ dward. I can’t
&ack o't now.# -e nodded slowly$ still 'ns're.
1inally$ I leaned forward and gra&&ed the collar of his shirt.
!Besides$ it’s not like I don’t want to.# I whis"ered. -e
shi%ered$ and then clim&ed into the &ack seat with me.
-e "ressed his li"s gently to mine$ trying to kee" a le%el
head$ &'t then$ o't of the &l'e$ :as"er started sending wa%es
of l'st toward 's from his car.
/his time$ dward "ressed his li"s to mine with a new
fer%or. -e was now )'st as eager as I was. I was looking
forward to this.
(lice’s Point of View
I ran h'man s"eed toward where Mike was standing with
his friends. !9an yo' hel" me?# I asked him$ throwing
worry and ner%o'sness into my tone.
!What wrong?# Mike asked$ wary.#Is it Bella?# !.es!# I
!*he came '" here with :aco& Black and he’s "ress'ring
her into se5 in a car she &orrowed from dward!#
Mike dro""ed the &ag of ,oritos he was eating and
followed me to dward’s car$ where he and Bella were.
!(re yo' s're this is a good idea?# /yler said. !What if it’s
another "rank?# Mike was act'ally st'"id eno'gh to ignore
him and threw o"en the &ack door.
/yler groaned in em&arrassment$ while ric )'st stood
Bella was lying across the &ack seat with dward a&o%e her
with no shirt on. -e act'ally had one of his hands halfway
'" Bella’s shirt as well.
!,amn yo'$ :as"er.# -e said at %am"ire s"eed. I heard
:as"er snicker in o'r car.
Bella was &l'shing f'rio'sly$ and I knew she wasn’t faking.
Mike )'st t'rned aro'nd and half8ran toward his car$ with
ric and /yler at his heels.
!I told yo'$ d'de.#
!Why$ :as"er?# I moaned. !Why did yo' ha%e to "'ll that
:as"er smirked at me. !It was hilario's$ and yo' know it.#
!.eah$ &'t dward didn’t want to lower his "recio's
boundaries.# I com"lained. !*o yo'r "rank &ackfired.#
I co'ld hear mmett snort from the li%ing room. !/ired of
waiting in the %irgin waiting room$ Bella?#
I stormed into the room )'st in time for 7osalie to say$ !/he
%irgin waiting room?! Where the hell did yo' get that
mmett shr'gged and hollered &ack$ !I saw it on the
7osalie scoffed$ !I’m s'r"rised yo' know how to t'rn on a
mmett shot an e%il grin at me &efore he said$ !Of co'rse I
know how work the ;oogle on the internet machine!
Where do yo' think I get my ideas for o'r %ario's
My el&ow slid off the ta&le with a &ang and :as"er was
howling with la'ghter at my &l'sh. !*h't '".# I told him.
!Where are dward and (lice?# I asked 7osalie.
!/hey went h'nting. /hey sho'ld &e &ack in a few min'tes.
I ha%e a mar%elo's idea for a new "rank on Mike!# 6ess
than a min'te later$ (lice &'rst thro'gh the door0 dward
right &ehind her.
!What’s yo'r idea$ 7ose?# *he asked eagerly. We all took
"laces in the li%ing room as 7osalie e5"lained her idea.
dward &egan to la'gh. !It’s "erfect! (lice$ can yo' see
#.es!# she s2'ealed in her high$ tinkling %oice. We all
&egan la'ghing harder.
/ime to &egin "hase C> Internet (larm.
:'st after midnight$ 7osalie and mmett were once again
con%eniently hidden in the trees in Mike’s front yard. /his
time :as"er was with them. /hey had cameras and walkie8
talkies at the ready.
(lice was on her la"to" com"'ter in the li%ing room and
dward and I were with her.
!(re yo' ready?# (lice asked 7osalie.
!.es.# 7osalie’s %oice came &ack thro'gh. !;o ahead. -e’s
on mys"ace now. *end the &'lletin.#
:as"er managed to hack into Mike’s mys"ace acco'nt and
add the fake acco'nt we created to his friend’s list. We had
an acco'nt 'nder the name /heMysterio'sPerson. Mike
had o%er C@@ friends already$ so he wo'ldn’t notice if one
more was added.
(lice sent him a &'lletin titled !7(, /-I*. *9(7I6.
mmett had his finger "ressed on the call &'tton on his
walkie8talkie so we co'ld hear Mike’s reaction. !:as"er$
send in the dread.# -e whis"ered eagerly.
:as"er &egan throwing wa%es of dread at Mike$ eno'gh to
frighten him$ &'t not eno'gh to make him kee" from
o"ening the &'lletin.
!-e’s o"ening it now.# 7osalie whis"ered. /hen Mike
&egan reading it o't lo'd.
!'#(’) *)#! +"A'I(, this or something -"+. BA'
will happen to you as soon as you are done reading. )his is
e/tremely freaky. Be careful what you open.
'uring a thunderstorm ...
Beth0 %ey Ben! *up1
Ben0 2hhh ... nothing much about to go to a party ... haha
Beth0 %aha nice ... uhhh 3ust staying in for the night.
Ben0 I hae this huge faor to ask you ...
Beth0 .eah ... what1
Ben0 &an you please come oer and watch my brother 4ohn
for me1 I won5t be able to go if no one watches him.
Beth0 2ghh ... well ....
Ben0 !lease Beth!
Beth0 6*ighs6 Alright. I5ll be oer in a few minutes.
A few minutes later$ Beth arries at Ben5s house.
Ben0 %ey$ thanks so much!
Beth0 %ehe. (o problem. By the way$ you look really nice.
Ben0 )hanks! Anyways$ here5s my number. &all me in about
an hour and tell me how eerything is$ okay1
Beth0 Alright$ bye!
)hen Ben left. Beth headed oer to 4ohn.
Beth0 %ey sport!
4ohn0 %i Beth ... I5m really scared ...
Beth0 Awww ... don5t be. I5m here. 7et’s turn on some ).-.
As Beth walked oer to the ).-. $ the lights suddenly shut
out. 4ohn freaked out and screamed!
Beth0 4ohn$ it5s okay. I hae a flashlight. %old on$ one
second. 'arn it! )he flashlight doesn5t work! 2hmmm ...
okay$ okay$ let’s go up to your brother5s room. I think he
has an e/tra one.
4ohn0 6mumbles6 okay.
As Beth and 4ohn headed up towards Ben5s room$ they
heard a creepy laughter that brought chills up their spines.
4ohn0 6screams6 What was that1!
Beth0 4ohn$ stop doing that. 7et me call your brother and
ask where the flashlight is.
4ohn0 But I didn5t ... 64ohn’s oice started to fade away ...6
Beth0 %ey Ben! %ow5s the party1
Ben0 ,ood$ thanks! 7isten I got to go. &an I call you in 8
Beth0 *ure. But where5s the flashlight in your room1
Ben0 #h$ ummm ... it5s under my bed$ to the left. I think.
Beth walks oer to Ben5s bed and screams.
Beth0 #h my ,od!
Ben0 What happened1!
Beth0 #h$ ha9ha. (othing$ I didn5t know you had a clown
statue in your bedroom. It scared me half to death
especially the bloody knife on its hand. It looks so real!
Where did you get it1 'id you get it at the %alloween
Ben0 Beth ... I don5t hae a clown statue in my bedroom.
)he line :uickly goes dead. Ben started panicking and
raced home as fast as he can. When he got home$ he ran
into his bedroom$ where Beth and 4ohn were nowhere to be
seen. %e saw his brother lying on his bed.
Ben0 6rolls his eyes and said to himself6 I can5t beliee
Beth would play such an awful trick on me.
%e went and sat down at his computer and pulled up
myspace. %e went into his myspace account and checked
his bulletins. %e noticed that he had a random new friend.
)he profile picture was a freaky clown face. )hat made him
freak out a bit. )hen he saw that the mysterious clown
friend had posted a bulletin called ;&lowning Around;.
Ben opened the bulletin and started to read it. )his was the
same bulletin that he saw last night about a clown who
kills people. %e got freaked out and didn5t repost it.
)rembling$ he got in his bed$ ne/t to his brother and kissed
his cheek good night.
<.ou can sleep here with me tonight$ *port. ,ood night.=
*uddenly$ the figure in the bed turned to Ben.
&lown0 (ow it5s your turn.=
Mike shi%ered. !Please$# -e scoffed. !/hat isn’t real.# -is
&ody lang'age s'ggested otherwise. -e was shaking in his
seat$ thanks to :as"er’s a&ility.
-owe%er$ the entire time he was reading the &'lletin$
mmett clim&ed into his room dressed as an e%il clown and
a knife co%ered with fake &lood in his hand.
Mike had a 2'een8si+ed &ed$ which made this "rank
s"ectac'lar. mmett was already lying across the &ed0 in
the shadows where Mike wo'ldn’t see him 'ntil he s"oke.
Mike got into his &ed and "'lled the &lanket o%er himself.
!Now.# 7osalie told him in %am"ire s"eed.
mmett sat '" slowly and winked at the camera :as"er was
holding. /hen he leaned closer to Mike’s ear and
whis"ered0 !Now it’s yo'r t'rn.# Mike fro+e for one instant
and let o't a &lood8c'rdling scream.
mmett di%ed o't the window and they were half8way
down the street &efore Mike e%en reali+ed who it was.
One week later……….
We were all sit'ated in dward’s li%ing room0 still hy"ed
'" o%er the clown "rank on Mike that ha""ened nearly a
!/hat was &rilliant!# I la'ghed. !O'r &est yet!# dward had
his arm aro'nd my sho'lder and he was la'ghing with me.
*'ddenly$ 9arlisle stormed into the room. !I ha%e a Mr.
Mike Newton in "sychiatric care trying to con2'er his
s'dden fear of clowns. Wo'ld any of yo' care to e5"lain?#
Bella’s Point of View
%ery hand in the room was "ointed at mmett. !/raitors.#
!6et me re"hrase this$# 9arlisle said$ !Who was the
Only mmett was "ointing at 7osalie. %eryone else was
still "ointing at him. !Nice try$ mmett 9'llen.# 9arlisle
I co'ld see dward and the others fighting &ack smiles.
/hen 9arlisle s"oke again. !mmett$ I want yo' to go '" to
the school tomorrow and a"ologi+e in front of him.#
mmett started to "rotest$ &'t 9arlisle held '" a hand. !.o'
will also take res"onsi&ility for the other "ranks "'lled on
1inally$ mmett s"oke '". !It was (lice and dward$ too!#
-e com"lained. -owe%er$ 9arlisle ref'sed to hear it.
!/omorrow.# -e said with finality.
!I grad'ated already!# mmett called to him. !-ow am I
s'""osed to go to the school and a"ologi+e?#
9arlisle ret'rned to the room$ com"letely o&li%io's to the
rest of 's shaking in o'r seats holding &ack la'ghter.
!I ha%e it taken care of. .o' are there com"leting an
assignment for college.#
mmett groaned$ defeated. !1ine.# -e gr'm&led.
(fter 9arlisle left again$ the room e5"loded with la'ghter.
!/hanks$ 7osalie.# mmett told her. *he h'gged him. !I
had to do it. It was too good of an o""ort'nity to "ass '".#
!May&e we sho'ld t'rn the a"ology into another "rank.# I
said slyly. dward looked at me incred'lo'sly.
!*erio'sly?# -e asked me.
I shr'gged. !Of co'rse. In a way$ it wo'ld still &e an
a"ology. We’ll )'st tweak it a little &it.#
mmett shi%ered in antici"ation. !I ha%e an idea already!#
:as"er rolled his eyes. !.o'r ideas aren’t always the &est
ones.# -e told him. !(re yo' s're a&o't this?#
!Of co'rse.# mmett &ragged. !/his will &e as easy as
killing a &ear with yo'r &are hands.#
I looked at dward. -e shr'gged.#It is "retty easy$ &'t I
wo'ldn’t take mmett’s word for it.# -e said indifferently.
-e then neatly dodged a "'nch thrown &y mmett.
dward "'lled into the "arking lot the ne5t day and "'lled
the key from the ignition. -e then t'rned to me$ his eyes
alight. !I saw a %ision (lice had$# -e told me. !(nd
9arlisle will find o't a&o't this one. Will yo' take
res"onsi&ility for it?#
I ga"ed at him. !Why? /hen he will tell 9harlie!#
dward la'ghed. !-e won’t. -e will think that mmett
tried to force the &lame on yo'. It’ll &e f'nny.#
/his time$ I la'ghed with him. !(ll right.#
-e grin grew wider when he saw mmett’s )ee" "ark ne5t
(s we a""roached the &'ilding and where Mike was
standing$ dward la'ghed 2'ietly. !What?# I asked him.
!-e is still scarred for life from the scene at "romontory
"oint.# I &l'shed$ and dward smiled his crooked grin.
mmett walked right '" to Mike with his head low$ &'t his
was still se%eral inches taller than Mike.
!-i$ Mike.# -e m'rm'red$ so'nding g'ilty. *e%eral
s'rro'nding st'dents sto""ed to watch.
!mmett$# Mike said$ wary. !What is it?#
-e had &ags 'nder his eyes$ as if he hadn’t gotten a good
night’s slee" in a long time. /his made me giggle.
mmett then looked at Mike$ raising his head. -e had an
o&)ect cl'tched in his large hand. I )'st wanted to say that
!1or what?# Mike asked him$ relie%ed that nothing &ad
mmett then &egan to grin slowly. !1or this!# -e then
whi""ed his hand '" and "'lled on the same clown mask
he wore when we first scared Mike.
Mike’s relie%e face t'rned to one of horror$ and he let o't a
lo'd scream. -e &egan to r'n$ &'t mmett chased him
aro'nd the "arking lot$ yelling.
(lice and dward were hea%ing with la'ghter$ cl'tching
each other for s'""ort. (ngela a""roached me. !What’s
I motioned to mmett still chasing Mike.
7eali+ation dawned on (ngela’s face.
!Oh$ yeah! I saw this on .o' /'&e last night.#
!mmett! I can’t &elie%e that yo' wo'ld do that!# 9arlisle
e5"loded. mmett seemed to shrink 'nder his ga+e.
We all were &ack at the 9'llens again0 (lice "ers'aded
9harlie to let me stay for a few days.
!.o' are o%er one h'ndred years old! .o' need to grow
'".# 9arlisle contin'ed. dward n'dged me$ and I took that
to &e my signal.
I stood '"$ my face resigned. !9arlisle$ it was me. I came
'" with the idea.# 9arlisle’s face &ecame soft$ &efore it
&ecame f'rio's again.
!-ow dare yo' try to &lame Bella!# -e yelled at mmett.
mmett’s face s'ddenly &ecame &ewildered. !What?! I
!,on’t lie to me.# 9arlisle said sternly. !Bella wo'ld ne%er
do s'ch a thing.#
1inally$ 9arlisle took notice of e%ery single one of 's
shaking with la'ghter. !Will someone "lease e5"lain to me
what on earth is going on?#
dward then stood '". !It was 's. We all did it$ e%en
(ngela We&er. We were trying to get re%enge on Mike
Newton &eca'se he kee"s hitting on Bella.#
9arlisle’s face softened as he t'rned &ack to mmett. !I’m
sorry for &laming yo'.#
mmett shr'gged$ grinning. !It’s no &ig deal! Besides$ it
was f'n anyway.#
9arlisle then t'rned &ack to the rest of 's as he s"oke. !I
don’t want yo' to "lay anymore "ranks on Mike Newton$
do yo' hear me? -e’s going thro'gh eno'gh tro'&le
&eca'se of his fear of clowns$ which yo' started!#
-e strode from the room$ )'st &efore we started la'ghing.
!/here goes o'r "ranking s"ree.# I said$ "retending to &e
sad. dward wra""ed his arm aro'nd my sho'lders$ and I
leaned into him.
When I looked '" again$ (lice was already at the com"'ter
desk$ s'rfing the internet.
!What are yo' looking '" now$ (lice?# :as"er asked her. !I
need new ideas.# *he e5"lained to 's.
!9heck that o't!# mmett "ointed at the screen. !What
a&o't that %ideo?#
(lice and :as"er groaned sim'ltaneo'sly.#We are not
watching Atwo girls$ one c'"’ again!# :as"er told him.
!/hat was disg'sting!#
!What’s that?# I asked dward$ conf'sed. !:'st a really
horri&le %ideo. .o' won’t like it$ tr'st me.# I let it dro"
/hen mmett s"oke '" again. !Way to get kicked o't of
Wal8Mart.# -e read from the screen. !/his has "otential.#
(lice grinned e%illy. !I can see it now3#
Bella’s Point of View
(lice )'st fo'nd a list of ways to get kicked o't of Wal8
Mart. ;reat. /his is definitely going to &e good. !(re yo'
ready$ Bella?# (lice asked$ dancing '" to me with an eager
gleam in her eyes.
!(s ready as I’ll e%er &e.# I sighed. (lice then gra&&ed my
hand and yanked me o't to the Vol%o. (s I "assed$ I co'ld
hear 7osalie snickering.
!.o'’re coming too$ 7ose!# (lice called &ack. !/here’s no
getting o't of this one. %ery&ody will "artici"ate$ )'st like
with the "ranks!#
mmett lea"t '" eagerly$ followed &y :as"er and 7ose.
dward was already &ehind the wheel of the Vol%o.
!ager to get started$ d?# mmett la'ghed. dward rolled
his eyes. !,on’t call me that. I )'st don’t tr'st yo' or (lice
dri%ing my car.#
I snorted$ and then (lice whirled aro'nd to smirk at me.
!;'ess what$ Bella?# !What?# I asked warily. !I ha%e the
"erfect "rank for yo' to "'ll at Wal8Mart!#
I groaned and dward la'ghed. !What is it$ (lice?# (ll she
did was shake her "i5ie head. !.o' ha%e to wait and see!#
!Why me?!# I moaned. We were sitting amongst the
recliners in the f'rnit're section and (lice had )'st told me
what my task was.
!I don’t want to em&arrass anyone!# I com"lained. No one
was "aying attention to me. %eryone was )'st la'ghing
and making their recliners shake. !It’s okay$ Bella.#
dward and (lice said sim'ltaneo'sly. !It’s all in good
f'n.# (lice ass'red me.
7esigned$ I stood '" and mmett$ :as"er$ and 7osalie fell
silent. !(ll right. I’ll do it.#
(lice &egan cla""ing. !;o get Aem$ Bella!#
I &egan strolling down the aisle only to see a yo'ng co'"le
walk arm in arm in my direction. I sent a "ained glance
&ack at (lice$ who motioned as if to say$ .ou may proceed.
I sighed again$ and marched '" to the &rown8haired man$
who had goo8goo eyes for his girlfriend.
I sla""ed him across the face as hard as I co'ld.
/he man was staring at me fla&&ergasted$ so I screamed in
his face$ !What the hell is this?! I tho'gh what we had was
I whirled aro'nd and stormed &ack to the 9'llens. I co'ld
hear the girl screaming at her soon8to8&e e58&oyfriend.
!Who was she?! What’s going on? (7 .O< 9-(/IN;
When I came &ack to where (lice and the others were
sitting$ I &'rst o't la'ghing with them. It was "retty f'nny.
!mmett!# I said &rightly. !It’s yo'r t'rn.#
mmett )'st grinned at me. DBring it on.D
D.o'r task is...D
!.o'r task is to stri" down to yo'r 'nderwear and r'n
h'man s"eed thro'gh the store while :as"er is throwing
wa%es of l'st to all the other c'stomers.# I finished sm'gly.
mmett’s face fell slightly$ while dward and :as"er were
roaring with la'ghter0 7osalie looked delighted. !;o ahead$
mmett!# *he said eagerly.
(lice was grinning madly. !/his will definitely &e good!# I
sat down in the recliner and leaned &ack.
mmett stood '" slowly$ his c'rly hair slightly
droo"ing.#(ll right. :as"er let’s get this o%er with.#
:as"er )'m"ed '" eagerly and followed him to the ne5t
aisle o%er. !;ood task$ Bella.# dward told me.
!,efinitely.# 7osalie agreed.
!Eee" yo'r hands to yo'rself$ 7ose.# (lice reminded her$
and 7osalie’s face fell slightly and she "o'ted.
!Ok$# mmett’s %oice said. !I’m ready.# -e and :as"er
came &ack aro'nd the aisle$ )'st in time for me to t'rn
away. I had no interest in seeing mmett half naked.
(fter a moment$ mmett said$ !.o' can look$ Bella.#
/hankf'lly$ he was only wearing a "air of &o5ers. I looked
'" directly into his face and told him$ !.o' may &egin.#
mmett sighed and said$ !I might as well en)oy this.# -e
immediately )'m"ed into the ne5t aisle with a lo'd$
/hen he &egan r'nning thro'gh the store. (lmost
immediately$ :as"er’s wa%es of l'st &egan to o%er"ower
e%eryone and they &egan chasing him.
It was %ery dist'r&ing to see men chasing a g'y who was in
*'ddenly$ a teenage girl )'m"ed straight into mmett’s
"ath. !-i!# *he said &reathlessly. !I’m I++y! Will yo'
marry me?!# *he asked in a half cra+ed %oice.
mmett ga"ed at her$ then )'st ran aro'nd her. Not to &e
disco'raged$ I++y followed him. !I’m still here!# *he
(s mmett ro'nded the store$ he said to dward$ !-el"
dward smiled and nodded to :as"er$ who sent wa%es of
&oredom and disg'st to the sho""ers$ incl'ding I++y.
While the others went &ack to their sho""ing$ I++y )'st
stared at mmett &efore she screamed$ !I’m still going to
marry yo' someday!# /hen she left.
mmett sank &ack into his chair after getting dressed again.
!I’m really s'r"rised we ha%en’t &een kicked o't &y now.#
!.eah$ no kidding.# mmett told the "i5ie %am"ire. !I "ick
dward for the ne5t task.# -e grinned e%illy.
*'ddenly$ dward said$ !6isten!#
We all fro+e )'st in time to see the same co'"le I harassed
earlier walk right "ast 's. One again$ the girl was screaming
at the g'y.#Now yo'’re chasing men?! .O< (7 *<9- (
/here was a moment of st'nned silence$ &efore we &'rst
mmett t'rned to dward$ his face sm'g. !.o'’re
challenge is to "retend to drown in that kiddie "ool o%er
there.# -e "ointed to the /oy ,e"artment where a child’s
swimming "ool was con%eniently "laced in the middle of
the de"artment f'll of water.
!Okay3.# dward said slowly. !I see no "oint in this$
howe%er.# !dward$ the tasks are s'""osed to &e
"ointless!# (lice reminded him.
dward sighed in resignation. !1ine.# -e got '" and
walked to the /oy ,e"artment. -e glanced in &oth
directions &efore he threw himself into the "ool.
-e didn’t e%en do anything &efore we started la'ghing. I
had ne%er seen dward act like this$ and frankly0 it was
hilario's$ to say the least.
Water s"lashed all o%er the aisle &efore dward &egan
thrashing aro'nd in the "ool. !Oh$ dear ;od! -el" me! I’m
drowning! I see a long white t'nnel!#
*e%eral "eo"le sto""ed to stare at him0 some e%en threw
money$ thinking that it was a show. !,on’t throw money at
me$ /-7OW ( 6I1 P7*7V7!# -e yelled.
1inally$ one man came o't of the crowd to lend a hand.
dward gra&&ed it$ &'t s'ddenly a %oice cried o't$ !W-(/
I* WI/- .O< (N, MN?!#
It was o'r oh8so8s"ecial co'"le$ &ack again for more
tort're. /he man dro""ed dward’s hand$ horrified. !I was
)'st trying to hel" him$ Bella!#
1or a moment$ I tho'ght he was talking to me$ &'t then I
reali+ed that his girlfriend’s name was Bella too$ which
mmett and the others fo'nd hilario's.
!,on’t lie to me$ :aco&! -e isn’t really drowning!# Bella
screamed. By this "oint$ e%en dward was la'ghing at the
irony of the sit'ation.
!Wow$ Bella!# mmett howled. !*he has yo'r name!# /he
other Bella looked o%er at me$ and her face grew e%en more
f'rio's than it was. !*o yo' are dating (NO/-7 Bella?!
(m I not good eno'gh for yo'?!#
/hey &egan yelling once more when dward came &ack
o%er to 's$ his clothes soaked. !(nything else?# -e asked
!Of co'rse!# mmett &eamed. !Now yo' ha%e to go '" to
an assistant and ask for mayonnaise.#
!/hat’s it?# dward asked$ conf'sed. /hen he grinned$
seeing the rest of mmett’s "lan in his mind.
-e then went straight to an em"loyee$ whose tag also read>
B66(. -ow many Bella’s really li%e here?
!9an I ha%e some mayonnaise?# he asked in a formal tone.
!*ir$ I don’t ha%e any.# /he girl re"lied. /hen dward
stom"ed his foot. !Now how am I s'""osed to "aint my
/hen the rest of 's howled with la'ghter as dward
stormed off$ still in his soaked clothes.
Once dward &o'ght new clothes to change into$ he t'rned
to (lice. !.o'r t'rn.#
(lice smiled at him. DBring it on ds.D
dward scowled for a moment &efore he said$ DPretend the
intercom is the %oice of ;od.D (lice stood '" witho't
*he knew when the intercom wo'ld come on$ so she was
ready. *he wandered the store 'ntil she was in the grocery
de"artment when the intercom came on.
D9lean'" in aisle F?. 9lean'" in aisle F?.D
(lice fell to her knees$ her hands thrown '" into the air.
D;od has s"oken!!D *he yelled$ com"letely "laying the
"art. /he c'stomers &egan staring at her$ fearing for her
sanity. (lice )'m"ed '" and ran o%er to an old woman.
D,id yo' hear that?! ;od s"oke to me!D
/hen (lice ski""ed off as if nothing ha""ened. D:as"er$
:as"er sat '" straighter in the chair. !What do I ha%e to
do?# -e asked in a formal %oice.
(lice smirked at him$ and he seemed to shrink &ack 'nder
her ga+e. I giggled for a little &it. !.o'r task is to get into a
h'ge "anic o%er the intercom %oices.#
-e stood '"$ gratef'l that there wasn’t any more. -e
&r'shed his honey &londe hair o't of his face &efore (lice
said$ !/here is also a second "art. I won’t tell yo' what it is
'ntil yo' do this one first.#
1inally$ :as"er slowly walked o%er to the m'sic section and
&egan &rowsing thro'gh the 9,s. I saw no "oint in him
doing this0 the 9'llens had them all anyway.
Once again$ the intercom came on. !(le5ie$ yo'’re needed
in the shoe de"artment0 (le5ie$ yo'’re need in the shoe
de"artment.# (n em"loyee from the m'sic de"artment left
the scene$ so :as"er wo'ldn’t get in tro'&le later.
:as"er fell to the gro'nd. !/- VOI9*!! O- ;O,$ /-
VOI9*!!! W-. WON’/ /-. */OP?!# -e screamed.
/he old woman (lice talked to earlier came '" to him.
!,on’t "anic$ lad! It’s the %oice of ;od!#
!I think that woman is senile!# mmett whis"ered lo'dly$
and we all la'ghed.
!What’s the second "art?# :as"er asked in the same formal
tone after he came &ack o%er to 's. !.o' ha%e to go '" to
I didn’t hear the last "art$ &eca'se (lice whis"ered it to
7osalie and dward were fighting &ack smiles$ while
mmett was shaking with la'ghter.
!What’s going on?# I asked dward$ conf'sed. !:'st
listen$# -e told me soothingly as :as"er strode away.
(fter a&o't two min'tes silence$ a %oice came o%er the
intercom. !(nita -oare$ Mike 7otch$ and -'gh :ass$ yo'r
friend is looking for yo'.#
/here was another moment of st'nned silence &efore we
were all roaring with la'ghter. !*weet :es's$# mmett
gas"ed. !/hat was the f'nniest thing yet!# (""arently$
:as"er had to make '" r'de names to anno'nce o%er the
:as"er came aro'nd the corner$ smirking as he did. !6ike
the names?# he asked as he sat down again. !Of co'rse!#
7osalie nearly s2'ealed.
:'st as we tho'ght we were finished la'ghing$ three kids
came aro'nd the corner. !Mike$ who was it that called 's?#
( girl asked.#I don’t know$ (nita!# a &oy sna""ed. !*h't
'"$ -'gh!# Mike sna""ed to the other &oy.
We all stared at each other &efore the la'ghter &egan again0
this time it was lo'der than e%er. !7osalie$# :as"er gas"ed.
(s 7osalie started grinning$ I stood '". !Where are yo'
going?# dward asked as they all looked at me.
!/he &athroom$# I re"lied. !.o' can do the task witho't me
if yo' want.#
mmett grinned &ack at me. !With "leas're.#
(s I strode off$ I &egan to think. Peo"le here in Port
(ngeles are %ery strange. /here’s an old woman who really
does &elie%e the intercom %oices is the %oice of ;od$ there
is a g'y whose name is act'ally -'gh :ass$ and a girl who’s
o&sessed with mmett.
I’m glad she doesn’t li%e in 1orks.
I’m also %ery s'r"rised that we ha%en’t &een kicked o't &y
now. Perha"s "eo"le here fre2'ently do things like this.
9ree"y. I g'ess I’ll )'st ha%e to get 'sed to it.
(fter I left the &athroom$ I a&r'"tly ran into a large crowd
that was con%ened near the toy de"artment. I co'ld hear
some "eo"le la'ghing and others whis"ering darkly.
I "'shed my way thro'gh the crowd to see (lice standing
there with a giant water g'n that was almost as tall as she
was. !:'st "'t her down$ and no one will get h'rt.# *he said
to someone in the aisle.
I leaned aro'nd a large man to see 7osalie sitting on the
floor of the aisle. *he had a Bar&ie swimming "ool on the
gro'nd in front of her with se%eral &eta fish swimming
*he was holding a Bar&ie doll that was d'ct ta"ed and tied
to a string a&o%e the water. /his Bar&ie was an e5act
re"lica of 7osalie$ &'t it was nowhere near as &ea'tif'l.
7osalie was also holding a match ne5t to the string. !No
one is allowed to &e as gorgeo's as me! (nd if anyone is
going to marry Een$ it’s going to &e M!# she screamed$
looking 2'ite deranged.
mmett and :as"er were se%eral aisles o%er$ &arely
containing their la'ghter as they watched the entire
1or a moment I wondered where dward was$ &'t then he
came r'nning into the aisle yelling$ !NOO!# -e skidded to
a sto" in front of 7osalie$ a scared look in his eyes.
!I’ll do anything$ 7ose!# -e &egged.#(nything for yo' to
let her go!#
7ose la'ghed manically. !Ne%er!# *he str'ck the match$
which &'rned straight thro'gh the string and sent Mali&'
Bar&ie t'm&ling straight into the "ool of !sharks#.
!NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!# dward screamed again$ ang'ished.
7osalie lea"t '"$ and darted o't of the aisle screaming$
!7VN;!! *W/ 7VN;!!#
dward threw himself to the gro'nd in front of the tiny
"ool$ so&&ing into his hands. ( hand rested on his sho'lder$
and he looked '" to see the %oice of ;od woman. !7ela5$
dear child$# *he told him in a reedy %oice. !;od will send
yo' a message telling yo' it will &e okay.# *he motioned
toward the s"eaker that was directly a&o%e them and she
(s mmett and the other a""roached 's as the crowd
dissi"ated$ the %oice of the em"loyee Bella came o%er the
!;et o%er it.#
*he m'st ha%e seen the whole charade$ I tho'ght.
!I told yo' ;od wo'ld gi%e yo' a message!# /he old
!mmett$ it’s yo'r t'rn.# 7osalie grinned at him. -e
grinned &ack at her. !/here is nothing I can’t handle.#
dward raised his eye&rows. !Ok$ e5ce"t for that "sycho
stalker girl.# mmett relented. !(nd the ;od %oice lady.#
dward ch'ckled. !-er name is sther$ &y the way.# :as"er
and (lice la'ghed. !;ood to know she finally has a name!#
(lice giggled in her tinkling %oice.
!What do I ha%e to do?# mmett asked im"atiently. !.o'
ha%e to go '" to random "eo"le and yell c'rse words at
them.# 7osalie told him sm'gly.
dward groaned slightly. !-ow wo'ld that make 's look$
7ose? What if someone from 1orks is here? /hat wo'ld &e
&ad on 9arlisle’s "art.#
!,on’t &e s'ch a wim"$ dward!# (lice la'ghed.
I smiled at dward. !:'st rela5$ okay? It’ll &e ok.# dward
smiled &ack at me. !1ine$ mmett$# he said. !;o ahead.#
mmett )'m"ed '" and &egan r'nning down the aisle.
Before anyone of 's co'ld get '"$ mmett had already
screamed$ !-O6. *-I/!#
We co'ld hear a yo'ng &oy la'ghing at him as mmett ran
!(**!# -e roared again. !,(MN I/!!!#
By now$ all of 's were in stitches as mmett swore like a
sailor to e%ery&ody he "assed. !BI/9-!# -e yelled at "oor
*he looked totally horrified when mmett ran &y. 1or a
moment$ I tho'ght she was going to ha%e a heart attack.
/hen she )'st shr'gged and contin'ed with her &'siness.
When mmett came &ack o%er to 's$ his already h'ge grin
was e%en &igger. !6ook who it is.# -e said$ and "ointed
o%er my sho'lder.
I t'rned aro'nd to see Mike Newton himself stroll into the
store with :essica standing ne5t him$ his arm aro'nd her
!/his is too good to "ass '"!# :as"er grinned e%illy. !What
sho'ld we do?#
/hey all shr'gged. I can’t &elie%e they had no ideas for
"ranks! !I ha%e one!# I told them.
%ery head t'rned toward me. !-ere’s what yo' ha%e to
do3..# I whis"ered as mmett &egan la'ghing.
Within a few min'tes we had all of the "ro"s set '". !(re
yo' ready?# I whis"ered to mmett se%eral aisles o%er. I
knew he co'ld hear me$ so I didn’t ha%e to re%eal myself to
Mike$ who was )'st coming aro'nd the corner.
!I’m going to go get some hygiene "rod'cts$# :essica told
him as they a""roached the aisle. !I’ll &e right &ack.#
Perfect. Mike wo'ld &e alone.
Mike gr'nted with a slightly disg'sted look on his face0 he
had no interest in :essica’s monthly "ro&lems.
We had set '" a large doll on the shelf in front of Mike. We
had "'r"osely styled the doll’s long &lack hair to where it
was hanging down her face with only one eye showing.
We had also "laced a high8tech walkie8talkie &ehind it so
we can s"eak to Mike and he wo'ldn’t know it.
mmett once again had the %ideo camera ready so he co'ld
"'t it '" on .o'/'&e when it was finished.
Mike strode down the aisle$ and once he was in front of the
doll$ (lice s"oke into the walker8talkie in a childish %oice.
Mike fro+e$ his eyes darting aro'nd 'ntil they rested on the
doll. -is eyes widened. (lice s"oke again$ &arely
containing her la'ghter. !I’m the little girl from the well$
and I’m coming for yo'.#
Mike staggered &ackward$ trying hard not to scream again
and em&arrass himself. /he :as"er cre"t '" &ehind him and
did his trademark ras"y whis"er$ !*e%en days3.# (s Mike
whirled aro'nd$ he was hit in the face with a handf'l of
-e didn’t e%en see who it was &efore :as"er dashed away.
We were roaring with la'ghter at the sight of Mike Newton
dashing "ast :essica on his way to the doors.
sther was at his heels yelling$ !It was the %oice of ;od!#
!-ow did she get o%er here?# dward asked$ still la'ghing.
I’m not s're I e%en want to know.
Now that we had once again s'cceeded in "ranking Mike$
we needed new ideas on things to do.
(lice had left a few min'tes ago. *he had said$ !We’%e
&een at Wal8Mart for ho'rs and I ha%en’t &o'ght a single
thing! I’ll &e &ack later!# 7osalie had followed her$ so it
was )'st mmett$ dward$ :as"er$ and I.
We were once again sitting in the recliners in the f'rnit're
section$ "ondering new ideas.
!We can "'t &ags of candy in random "eo"le carts.#
!Boo.# :as"er re"lied and &lew mmett a ras"&erry with
his th'm&s down. :as"er was &ecoming increasingly &ored
with each lame s'ggestion mmett came '" with.
!What am I s'""osed to do then?# mmett sna""ed. !,ress
and drag and hit on men?#
dward and :as"er fro+e. !/hat’s &rilliant!# dward
!6'ckily I saw this coming then!# (lice danced o%er with
"lastic &ags f'll of women’s dresses. !/hat’s why yo' and
7ose went sho""ing?# I g'essed. !Of co'rse!# (lice
grinned. !/here was no way that I wo'ld "ass this '".#
mmett groaned. !/here’s no getting o't of this$ is there?#
-e asked 7osalie. !No"e.# *he re"lied$ "o""ing the last
sylla&le. *he grinned at him$ as he sadly sh'ffled toward
the dressing rooms.
!What’s taking him so long?# 7osalie asked im"atiently.
!/his is ridic'lo's.#
I grinned. I had a feeling mmett was taking as long as he
co'ld$ so e%eryone wo'ld grow tired of the challenge.
!:'st wait.# dward told e%eryone. *'ddenly$ mmett
groaned lo'dly. I threw my hand o%er my mo'th to stifle
the giggles that were threatening to e5"lode o't any second.
*e%eral women that were either waiting for dressing rooms
or )'st "assing &y$ sto""ed and stared at the dressing room
with "'++led e5"ressions on their faces.
/hen mmett s"oke in a high girly %oice$ !/here’s no toilet
"a"er in here!#
/hat did it. I leaned o%er$ my hands "ressed firmly against
my sides$ as we all were howling with la'ghter$ e%en
tho'gh mmett was se%eral aisles o%er.
*ome of the women sighed and groaned with disg'st as
they left the area. m"loyee Bella came o%er and "o'nded
on the door. !*ir or Ma’am$ yo' need to lea%e. .o'r
&'siness needs to &e done in the can$ not in the dressing
mmett threw o"en the door$ which &o'nced off of Bella’s
forehead. *he staggered away as mmett a""eared in a
flowered dress with a &lond wig on and &right red li"stick.
/he 9'llens all sh'ddered as he a""roached 's. !I’m
scarred for life.# dward whis"ered. !I ha%e &ad mental
images in my head now.#
(lice$ on the other hand stood '". !Now yo' ha%e to go hit
on e%ery male c'stomer with corny "ick8'" lines 'ntil we
tell yo' to sto".#
mmett groaned and "ranced down the aisle.
( h'ge &'ff g'y then crossed into mmett’s "ath and
mmett said to him$ !If I told yo' yo'r &ody was &ea'tif'l$
wo'ld yo' hold it against me?#
:as"er and the others were in hysterics$ &'t I was nearly
rolling in the aisle. Before the man co'ld re"ly$ Hor "'nch
himI$ mmett darted off to harass another man.
-e came '" to another one and said$ !9an I ha%e yo'r
"hone n'm&er? I seem to ha%e lost mine.# !<h3.no.# /he
man re"lied. -e 2'ickly ran in the other direction.
/hen I called$ !mmett!# -e t'rned aro'nd$ and I "ointed
to :aco&$ the "oor man I harassed earlier.
mmett grinned e%illy and darted o%er to him. *o far$ his
girlfriend Bella was nowhere in sight. mmett "ressed his
h'ge &ody '" against :aco& and said$ !If yo' were a new
ham&'rger at Mc,onald’s$ yo' wo'ld &e Mc;orgeo's.#
By now$ I was screaming with la'ghter. :aco& seemed to
free+e. !r$ can I hel" yo'$ Ma’am? Or sir?#
mmett then &reathed into his ear$ !/hat’s a nice shirt. 9an
I talk yo' o't of it?#
:aco& shi%ered when mmett’s cold &reath hit his neck.
-owe%er$ his girlfriend Bella$ who has )'st come aro'nd
the corner$ didn’t see it that way.
!W-(/ /- -66 (7 .O< ,OIN;?!# *he screamed.
!W-. (7 .O< 16I7/IN; WI/- (
/7(N*V*/I/?! (7 .O< ( *= (,,I9/?!#
:aco& seemed to cower 'nder her ga+e as mmett darted
away$ shaking with la'ghter.
When mmett tried to a""roach another man$ sther$ the
Voice of ;od woman$ came '" to him and "ressed her
se%enty8something year old &ody against him.
-e fro+e. !.o' look gorgeo's as a woman.# sther told
him. !1or the record$ I &at for &oth teams.#
dward and :as"er were roaring with la'ghter as I++y$
mmett’s stalker$ came r'nning aro'nd the corner with face
"aint co%ering her face and holding a "lastic sword.
!(I88(I88(I!!!# *he &ellowed a high8"itched &attle
cry. !Eee" yo'r hands off of my man$ yo' old hag!#
mmett ri""ed off the dress as he ran toward 's. !-el"
When mmett finally managed to get away from I++y and
sther$ and he was literally shaking where he stood.
!I don’t e%er want to see her again!# -e e5claimed as 7ose
r'&&ed his &ack in comfort$ fighting &ack a la'gh.
-owe%er$ :as"er and (lice were howling at the look on
mmett’s face. -e then looked '" and said$ !dward$ yo'r
dward shr'gged and remo%ed his arm from my waist.
!Bring it on.# !What does he ha%e to do?# I asked mmett
!-e has to go '" to a g'y and "retend he hasn’t seen him in
years.# mmett said sm'gly.
dward immediately stood '". !No "ro&lem.#
(s he strode aro'nd the store$ I t'rned to (lice. !Who is he
going to "ick?#
!.o'’ll see$# *he sang e5citedly. !/his is going to &e
good!# -er "i5ie frame &o'nced '" and down in the
recliner she was sitting in.
We followed dward discreetly aro'nd the store as he
looked at "ros"ecti%e %ictims.
-e then grinned e%illy and a""roached o'r friend :aco&$
who had managed to reconcile with his girlfriend Bella.
It wasn’t going to last long. (lice was right0 this was going
to &e good!
(s he a""roached :aco&$ :aco& grew wary and Bella’s eyes
dward gas"ed. !Oh my ;od$ is it yo'?!#
!What?# :aco& said$ conf'sed. Bella was now getting
!It is yo'!# dward e5claimed. !I ha%en’t seen yo' in so
long! Why ha%en’t yo' called?#
:aco&’s face melted into an e5"ression of horror &efore8
!W-O /- -66 I* /-I* ;<.?!# Bella screamed.
!-OW 9OM .O< *M /O ENOW (66 O1 /-*
!Bella "lease8! :aco& tried to e5"lain. !,ON’/ .O<
!B66(# M!# *he roared. !(7 .O< O7 (7 .O<
dward t'rned aro'nd and strode &ack to 's witho't
mmett tried to say something$ &'t dward held '" a hand.
!.O< (7 */I66 ( M(NW-O7!#
We all &egan la'ghing at :aco&’s misfort'ne. I am s'r"rised
they hadn’t &roken '" &y now.
(s we &egan ro'nding the store to look for new %ictims$ the
intercom came on. It was an anno'ncement a&o't a clean'"
in the canned foods.
sther )'st ha""ened to &e standing right ne5t to 's at the
*he threw herself on the gro'nd$ and I’m s're yo' all know
what ha""ened ne5t.
!It’s the %oice of ;od!#
(lice "layed along with the charade too. *he also threw
herself to the floor$ kee"ing '" the a""earance she created
!Oh ;od! -e’s s"eaking to 's!#
!(lice$ why on earth wo'ld yo' enco'rage her?# dward
asked$ as if they were talking a&o't a small child. !Beca'se
it was f'nny!# (lice retorted$ still la'ghing.
/he rest of 's were walking aro'nd the entire store$
contem"lating new ideas and %ictims. !May&e we co'ld
"rank :aco& and Bella again!# mmett "ractically yelled.
!No.# :as"er and 7ose said sim'ltaneo'sly. !We need to
"rank Mike Newton again is what we need to do.#
I grinned and said$ !We sho'ld re'nite him and the clown.#
/he 9'llens sto""ed in the middle of the aisle and stared at
me$ st'nned. !/hat’s a good idea$ lo%e.# dward told me.
mmett nodded eagerly. !/here’s a cost'me store not far
away! We co'ld get masks for all of 's to wear!#
-e and :as"er took off towards the doors$ like little kids at
an am'sement "ark.
!/hey will &e &ack in a few min'tes.# (lice ass'red me.
!We need to get ready$ since this will &e o'r last "rank at
Wal8Mart.# -er face grew sad$ as did 7osalie’s.
!Why?# dward asked. (lice m'st ha%e &een &locking her
mind &eca'se she said$ !.o'’ll see.# *he then grinned.
!/his will &e good.#
( few min'tes later$ mmett and :as"er came &ack with
&lack &ags that read$ MIE’* P(7/. */O7.
dward and I la'ghed o't lo'd. !/his will definitely &e
mmett and :as"er immediately "'lled o't two %ery scary
clown masks from one of the &ags and walked off in
I reached in and "'lled o't one that resem&led a clown I
saw in a *te"hen Eing mo%ie a while &ack. I shi%ered at the
!I want to &e I/!# (lice screamed and snatched the mask
o't of my hand.
!No$ s're (lice$ yo' can ha%e it.# I told her after she "'t it
on and ran away towards the toy de"artment. I had a feeling
she was going to scare a lot of children.
dward$ 7ose and I "'t on the remaining masks and
distri&'ted o'rsel%es in different "arts of the store.
/he "lan was set and in motion3
(s Mike was strolling thro'gh the men’s clothes$ mmett
had hidden himself amongst the racks. I was s'r"rised he
managed to fit there.
Mike "assed &y the rack mmett was hiding in. -e had
"laced his head in the "osition where it was )'st %isi&le
eno'gh that someone wo'ld notice.
-e then sto""ed s'ddenly and whirled aro'nd. mmett had
%anished. Mike shr'gged. !-mm. M'st ha%e &een my
-e strode off and then came to the electronics. -e started
looking at the %ario's m'sic "layers they had stocked
&ehind the "rotecti%e glass. dward stood &ehind him then$
holding a fake knife.
Mike whirled aro'nd again$ &'t dward was already gone.
6ooking wary$ Mike again left$ m'rm'ring to himself.
Ne5t$ he sto""ed at a s'nglasses dis"lay and &egan trying
some on. I don’t know why he needed them0 there was
hardly any s'n here. Besides$ he didn’t look good in them
Now 7osalie and I stood &ehind him$ wearing the mask. -e
glanced at 7ose and me in the mirror and gas"ed. 7osalie
and dward "'lled me away &efore he t'rned aro'nd.
/hen he ste""ed into the men’s room$ where :as"er was. (
few moments later$ he came o't$ "ractically r'nning$ his
hands still co%ered in soa".
What a flash&ack3
I then knew :as"er had shown himself. /his was t'rning
o't "erfect. (s Mike worked his way o%er to the toys$ I
co'ld see yo'nger children r'nning o't$ with scared looks
on their faces. (lice.
Mike now was standing in front of the &oard games$
com"aring Battleshi" and 7isk. (lice ski""ed '" &ehind
him. *he had act'ally dressed in the f'll clown s'it with &ig
orange "'ff &alls down the front of her sil%er s'it. *he was
also holding a &'nch of &alloons.
*he ta""ed his sho'lder. !Wo'ld yo' like a &alloon?#
Mike fro+e and t'rned aro'nd %ery slowly. -is eyes
widened$ &efore he let o't a &lood8c'rdling scream of
(lice followed him down the aisle$ toward the doors.
*'ddenly$ she skidded to a halt$ the "'ff &all &o'ncing.
/he rest of 's did too$ for standing in front of 's was the
reason why (lice said this wo'ld &e o'r last Wal8Mart
It was 9arlisle.
(s (lice stared at him$ a &alloon "o""ed and fl'ttered to
!What is the matter with yo'?# 9arlisle stormed.
We were all &ack at the 9'llens ho'se$ sit'ated in the li%ing
room. (ll of 's had g'ilty e5"ressions as we stared at
9arlisle and sme.
!.o' made a "oor old woman &elie%e the intercom was the
%oice of ;od?! .o' made a &oy’s girlfriend think he was a
manwhore?! MM// B9(M ( /7(N*V*/I/?!#
-e was &reathing hard$ and no&ody s"oke. I co'ld tell that
9arlisle was am'sed$ e%en o%er the anger he was showing
's. !What the hell is the matter with all of yo'?#
It was the first time I had heard him c'rse$ and that did it.
We all &'sted '" la'ghing$ cl'tching at each other.
/hen I decided to mess with 9arlisle. !sme$ 9arlisle
called yo' a whore!# I called.
!9arlisle!# sme gas"ed$ skidding &ack into the room.
!-ow dare yo'?# !sme$ lo%e$ I didn’t8! 9arlisle tried to
e5"lain$ and then sme smiled.
!I know yo' didn’t.# *he t'rned to me. !;ood one$ Bella.#
I grinned &ack at her. !/hanks.# mmett and the others
were )'st shaking with la'ghter thro'gho't the entire
1inally$ 9arlisle grew serio's again. !No more "ranks at
Wal8Mart.# -e said with finality$ and he and sme left the
!.o' know$# I said$ t'rning to (lice$ who was grinning
&ack at me. !-e ne%er said sto" the "ranks in general.#
mmett let o't a lo'd sho't of la'ghter and "o'nded my
&ack$ which sent me s"rawling to the floor. !mmett!#
dward said$ e5as"erated as he hel"ed me '". !/ake it easy
with the h'man.#
!My &ad.# mmett said$ &efore 7osalie interr'"ted him.
!We sho'ld go to the mall and contin'e o'r "ranks there!#
dward grinned at me. !(re yo' '" for it?# -e asked me.
We had somehow managed to get "ast 9arlisle and sme
and go to the Port (ngeles mall.
(s we took o'r seats in the food co'rt$ I co'ld see the
9'llens wrinkling their noses at the smell of the h'man
food$ and other sho""ers glancing at them e%ery few
I co'ld also see :essica and 6a'ren throwing me nasty
looks. -ow :essica got from Wal8Mart to the mall so fast I
ha%e no idea.
dward we dri%ing aro'nd trying to find a "arking s"ot.
(lice "ers'aded :as"er to go with her to look at hand&ags$
so it was )'st 7ose$ mmett$ and I.
/hen I saw 6a'ren get '" with a tray f'll of half eaten food$
&'t I sto""ed watching her. I was looking for dward.
*'ddenly$ I heard a lo'd crash and felt nasty and greasy
food r'nning thro'gh my hair and down my clothes. !What
the hell?# I said angrily$ standing '".
I t'rned to see 6a'ren smirking at me. !Oo"s$ it sli""ed.#
*he told me. *he t'rned to lea%e$ and 7ose "'t her arm
aro'nd my sho'lders and said$ !,on’t worry a&o't it. *he’s
a total &itch.#
We t'rned to lea%e and 6a'ren said$ !(t least I don’t look
like a sl't all the time.#
7osalie fro+e$ and mmett seemed to cower at the ta&le.
!What did yo' )'st call me?# 7ose asked$ her %oice deadly.
!*. 6.<./. *lut.# 6a'ren told her s"elling it o't. !I know
how to s"ell sl't$ yo' hooker!# 7osalie yelled at her.
*'ddenly$ (lice and the others a""eared and held 7ose
&ack. I had a feeling that if she co'ld kill 6a'ren$ she
!I got yo' new clothes$ Bella!# (lice said$ sho%ing them
into my arms. !Now go change.#
When I got &ack$ 6a'ren and :essica were gone$ and the
9'llens were waiting for me ne5t to the fo'ntain. !I ha%e
an idea for a "rank on 6a'ren!# 7ose told me.
!I heard them say they were going to *"encer’s and they
sell se5 toys there$ right?# I nodded$ and 7ose contin'ed.
!We can "'t items in her "'rse and make it seem like she
was stealing them!#
dward grinned and said$ !I’ll do it.#
(s we walked to *"encer’s I heard mmett whis"er lo'dly$
!(re yo' s're yo' want to to'ch the se5 toys$ !rudeward?#
*itting at a &ench in front of *"encer’s$ I co'ld see 6a'ren
and :essica de&ating o%er a shirt on the clearance rack.
dward sa'ntered in$ 'nnoticed &y either of them. I saw
him "ick '" m'lti"le se5 toys$ look at them$ and sh'dder.
-e then "'t them into 6a'rens "'rse$ which was hanging
half o"en off of her sho'lder. Idiot.
-e left the store and we hid &ehind some "lants. mmett
tried to hide at least.
/hen 6a'ren and :essica e5ited the doors$ and the alarm
went off. /he sec'rity g'ard for *"encer’s a""roached
them and said$ !O"en yo'r &ags$ ma’am.#
6a'ren did$ with shaking hands. /he officer "'lled o't the
se5 toys$ and :essica and 6a'ren gas"ed. 6a'ren’s face
t'rned a &right red$ ri%aling mine.
/hen 7osalie made herself known. !Who’s the sl't now$
(fter 6a'ren managed to "ers'ade the sec'rity g'ard she
wasn’t stealing anything$ we were now &ack at the food
!-ow did she get o't of that one?# dward asked. !/he
e%idence was clearly against her.#
I shr'gged. !*he "ro&a&ly "aid him.# !Whose t'rn is it for
the challenge?# (lice asked eagerly. !I com"letely lost
We all nodded in agreement$ &'t that didn’t sto" (lice. !I
"ick dward then!#
dward smiled %ag'ely. !What do I ha%e to do$ then?#
!.o' ha%e to sing the most annoying song e%er!# (lice
!6ame.# mmett and :as"er chor'sed$ while 7osalie
flashed her a th'm&s8down.
!/hat’s only "art one!# (lice told them$ slightly
e5as"erated. !Off yo' go$ ddie!#
dward rolled his eyes and stood '".
-e then act'ally started ski""ing thro'gho't the food co'rt
singing at the to" of his l'ngs.
!I know a song that gets on eerybody’s neres$
"erybody’s neres$ eerybody’s neres!
I know a song that gets on eerybody’s neres and this is
how it goes!=
(fter three ro'nds of this$ some "eo"le were co%ering their
ears$ and another g'y threw "o"corn at him.
mmett and :as"er were choking with la'ghter when he
came &ack$ grinning widely. !What ne5t?# dward asked
(lice witho't sitting down.
!;o o%er to the escalator and "retend to get yo'r shoelaces
st'ck in them.#
Witho't another word$ dward strolled right o%er to the
down escalator and "laced his shoe in the "osition that
made it look st'ck. !9an someone hel" me?# -e called o't.
No one answered him. I think they were still mad a&o't the
singing thing. 1inally$ one man decided to c't him some
dward looked '" and his face &roke into a wide grin. It
was o'r friend :aco& from the mall$ &ack for more tort're.
-e knelt in front of dward and gra&&ed his shoe. !.o'
know$ yo' and yo'r friends ca'sed me a lot of tro'&le
today.# -e told dward$ yanking on his !st'ck# shoe.
dward grinned. !*orry.#
/he "lace where :aco&’s head was and the )erking motions
he was making to dislodge the shoelace made him look like
he was gi%ing dward a888 ne%er mind.
/he ne5t thing that ha""ened made 's all &'rst into
!W-(/ /- -66 (7 .O< ,OIN;?!#
:aco&’s head )erked '"$ horrified. !Bella!# -e called o't to
his li%ed girlfriend. !I was trying toJ!
!,on’t lie to me$ ;(.8co&!# *he screamed.
-e took off r'nning amidst la'ghter from the witnesses of
(fter dward ret'rned to the ta&le$ he t'rned to mmett
and whis"ered his task in his ear. It was low eno'gh that
e%en :as"er and 7ose co'ldn’t hear. -owe%er0 (lice was
shaking with la'ghter.
!,o I ha%e to?# mmett asked. dward grinned$ and
/hen mmett got '" and went to the cost'me store$
m'm&ling darkly to himself.
When he came &ack o't$ I dro""ed the coke dward &o'ght
me. mmett had dressed in the most ridic'lo's o'tfit I ha%e
-e then ran aro'nd$ clim&ing on to" of things and )'m"ing
o%er railings. 1inally$ an em"loyee came o%er to him -e
m'st ha%e known mmett$ &eca'se he said$ !mmett
9'llen$ "lease refrain from dist'r&ing the c'stomers.#
mmett then roared$ !I am not mmett! I am =ena$
;oddess of 1ire!#
-e took off r'nning$ yelling$ !(i8ee8ai8ee8ai!# and
&randishing a fake sword. By this "oint$ :as"er looked as if
he was crying with la'ghter$ if he co'ld.
Now that mmett was done with his little drag show$ he
ret'rned to 's with a h'ge grin on his face. !Beat that!# -e
&ragged$ thankf'lly in his reg'lar clothes now.
:as"er was still howling with la'ghter$ making his chair
shake. 7osalie discreetly "laced the camera n her &ag.
I don’t think mmett e%en knew she was recording him!
!1ine then$ :as"er$# mmett said to him. !.o'r t'rn.#
:as"er leaned &ack in his chair while dward and (lice
glowered$ already in on mmett’s scheme. !I dare yo' to
go '" to o'r friend :aco& and make o't with him in front of
:as"er shot a conf'sed glance at me &efore 7ose choked
o't$ !I don’t think mmett means o'r Bella!#
:as"er groaned. !I ha%e to tort're the she8de%il herself?#
!-ell hath no f'ry3# I &egan. !6ike a woman scorned.#
(lice and 7ose chor'sed.
:as"er sighed in defeat. !Where is he?#
We all "ointed to the B'rger Eing$ where :aco& was
waiting in line. !Bella’s in the &athroom$ so go ahead.
*he’ll &e o't in a few min'tes.# dward said and "ointed
:as"er o%er to :aco&.
:as"er then stood '" and walked o%er to :aco& as if he was
facing a firing s2'ad. -e co'ldn’t die$ &'t still.
( co'"le of "eo"le who had heard what his dare was t'rned
to watch the show$ slightly disg'sted faces on some$ and
eager faces on others.
!I feel so &ad for those g'ys now.# I heard a man whis"er
to his wife as :as"er ta""ed :aco&’s sho'lder.
When :aco& t'rned aro'nd$ :as"er "lanted his li"s firmly
onto :aco&’s and held himself there. :aco& tried to sho%e
him away$ &'t of co'rse$ it didn’t do any good.
:aco&’s hands were firmly wra""ed aro'nd :as"er’s &ice"s$
so he co'ld "'sh him away. /his was the wrong "lace to
"'t his hands.
!W-(/ /- -66?!#
:as"er immediately ste""ed &ack as Bella came dashing
toward :aco&$ her face f'rio's. :as"er wi"ed his moth
across his slee%e and gra&&ed a random g'y’s coke and
threw it on himself$ trying to clear his mo'th o't.
!Why are yo' so o&sessed with men? ,id I not satisfy yo'
eno'gh in &ed?#
I gagged then0 I did not want to hear a&o't another "erson’s
:aco&’s mo'th fell o"en. !B't Bells8!
!,id yo' )'st call me B<//B66*?!#
Now we all were howling at this last statement. !What
ne5t?# :as"er asked when he came &ack$ a coke stain on his
white shirt. !.o'r t'rn to "ick someone$ :a++.# (lice
reminded him$ &'t s'ddenly grinned e%illy.
We followed her glance to see Mike Newton himself aslee"
in a chair near the escalator. !I ha%e an idea$# (lice said as
she stood '". !:'st consider this my dare!# *he nearly
yelled as she ran off.
*he came &ack a few min'tes later and st'ck something in
Mike’s ear and on his ca". When she sat down again$ I
co'ld see a la"to" and a micro"hone in a &ag.
7ight on c'e$ Mike got '"$ stretched$ and &egan walking to
another store. (s (lice o"ened the la"to"$ I co'ld see the
rest of the store0 (lice had "laced a minisc'le camera on
Mike’s &ase&all hat$ so we co'ld see the mall front his "oint
(lice set '" the micro"hone and then s"oke into it$ 'sing a
child’s %oice$ which she imitated "erfectly.
Mike s'ddenly sto""ed$ and we co'ld tell his head was
darting aro'nd. !Who’s that?# -e asked$ timidly.
!.o' know me!# (lice said.
/hen Mike "a'sed. !(re yo'3are yo' my conscience?#
I &egan giggling &ehind my hands. /his was going to &e
good. dward threw a grin at me and motioned for (lice to
!.es$ yes I am$# she said to him. !We ha%en’t s"oken in a
while. -ow are yo'?#
!I co'ld &e &etter. I’m )'st trying to find a "resent for my
f't're girlfriend Bella.#
dward growled$ and 7ose sh'shed him. !I ha%e an idea!#
*he took the micro"hone from (lice and said in the same
tone (lice 'sed$ !Bella wo'ld lo%e some new lingerie!#
dward and I shot glares at her as Mike said$ !7eally? I
co'ld get her some!# -e was s'ddenly e5cited.
!;o into Victoria’s *ecret and get her a lacy &lack thong.
/he smallest one there.#
(s Mike went in$ we all gas"ed. 7ight there$ &ehind the
co'nter$ was sther$ the K@8something Voice of ;od lady.
*he worked at -ictoria’s *ecret. ,ear ;od.
7ose then said$ !Bella has a new address now$ yo' know.#
!What is it?# Mike asked. !I co'ld send this to her with a
note.# -e "aid for his$ er$ garment$ and &egan walking to
It was 2'ite hilario's to see the cra+y looks he recei%ed
from the em"loyees of Victoria’s *ecret.
!It is LM White&l'ff 7oad. /hey are li%ing there while their
old ho'se is &eing f'migated.#
*'ddenly$ the rest of the 9'llens were howling with
la'ghter. !Whose address is that?# I asked dward. !It’s
Mrs. 9o"e’s!# -e howled$ and I )oined in.
Mike was a&o't to send a thong to the school secretary!
!/hanks$ conscience!# Mike nearly s2'ealed. !I lo%e yo'!#
/hen 7ose 'n"l'gged the micro"hone$ now la'ghing with
the rest of 's.
!What ha""ens when he disco%ers the ear"iece and
camera?# I asked (lice.
!Who cares?# *he choked o't.
We were once again sit'ated in the li%ing room &ack at the
9'llens ho'se. I don’t know how it ha""ened$ &'t we
ret'rned to the ho'se to find 9arlisle waiting for 's$
sme was &ehind him$ her hand o%er her mo'th holding in
la'ghter. -e "ointed to the door. !Inside. (ow.#
We all tr'dged inside and sat on the &ig white co'ch and
9arlisle "aced on front of 's$ his arms folded$ still in his
hos"ital coat. !<n&elie%a&le. 2nbelieable!#
mmett grinned$ &'t then the look 9arlisle ga%e him made
his face fall. !I tell yo' all not to "lay "ranks at Wal8Mart$
and yo' take them to the mall?!#
!We didn’t do anything there!# mmett tried to lie$ &'t
9arlisle interr'"ted him.
!=ena? ;oddess of fire? 9are to e5"lain?# :as"er and
7osalie were howling with la'ghter as mmett fro+e. D*h't
'"$ 7ose!D 9arlisle yelled. DWhoren the hooker?D /hen he
ro'nded on :as"er. D,id yo' en)oy kissing a man?D
!-ow did yo' find o't?# I asked 9arlisle.
!Mike Newton$ :essica *tanley$ and 6a'ren Mallory
act'ally came &y the hos"ital earlier to tell me what was
going on at the mall.# 9arlisle told 's sternly.
!Well$ damn!# (lice said$ leaning &ack on the co'ch and
folding her arms &ehind her head. !I can’t &elie%e I ne%er
saw this coming.#
dward snickered and sme sh'shed him. !*orry.#
!.o' are no longer allowed to "lay "ranks at any
de"artment store or mall.# 9arlisle said with finality.
:as"er started to "rotest$ &'t 9arlisle wa%ed it off. !No
-e and sme strode from the room$ and nearly e%eryone in
the room had disa""ointed looked on their gorgeo's faces.
!Wo'ld yo' like to go to a mo%ie$ lo%e?# dward asked
me. !/here is a new %am"ire mo%ie o't today.#
I smiled at him. !(ll right. 6et’s go.#
(s we stood '" to lea%e$ (lice s'ddenly had an e%il grin on
her face. !9an we come?# *he asked$ gi%ing dward a
significant glance$ and he grinned. !Of co'rse.#
I started to "rotest$ &'t dward sh'shed me gently saying$
!/r'st me. /his will &e good!# -e had s'ch an e5cited look
on his face that I had to agree.
(s we entered the theater$ we got many glances form other
"atrons. *ome were "ro&a&ly imagining dirty things$ while
others were "ro&a&ly wary of the gro'" of teenagers$ e%en
tho'gh fi%e of 's weren’t technically teenagers.
dward a""roached the co'nter and o"ened his mo'th to
s"eak$ &'t mmett "'shed ahead.
1or a moment$ he started at the girl &ehind the co'nter$ who
had "ink highlights in her &lack hair and was chewing g'm.
*he looked totally &ored. !-ey$ lady$# mmett told her
sa'ntering closer to the co'nter. I co'ld hear 7ose growl
&ehind me. !,o yo' work here?# mmett asked.
!,'h.# /he girl said. !,o yo' want tickets or not?#
I had a feeling that she co'ldn’t care less what the 9'llens
looked like$ as long she got her "aycheck.
!I wo'ld like si5 tickets to the ;oonies "lease.# I choked
on the coke dward had already &o'ght me$ and started
!,'de$ that mo%ie is no longer showing in theaters. What
mo%ie do yo' want to see?# /he girl was growing
im"atient$ so dward c't her some slack and said$ !*i5
tickets to <nderworld %ol'tion "lease.#
(s we recei%ed o'r tickets$ :as"er then ran to the doors
leading to some romance mo%ie I already saw. (""arently
:as"er had seen it too$ &eca'se he threw o"en the doors and
yelled into the theater$ !/hey get &ack together!#
-e left the door o"en for a moment so we co'ld hear the
o'traged com"laints of the mo%iegoers. *omeone e%en
c'rsed at him. !/hanks a lot$ d'm&ass!#
-e let the door swing closed$ and strode to where we were
waiting at the entrance to <nderworld$ his e5"ression
(s we all took o'r seats in the &ack or the theater$ the
o"ening "re%iews )'st started. (lice yelled lo'dly$ !9an
someone fast8forward these?#
I heard some "eo"le la'ghing$ and others crossly go$
We were 2'iet for a few more min'tes while the o"ening
credits &egan to "lay. *'ddenly$ a co'"le came into the
theater$ clearly late.
We all &egan cla""ing lo'dly. !.ay!# 7ose yelled. !.o'’re
I co'ld &arely make o't the man’s shee"ish glance to 's as
he and his date sat down near the front.
1inally$ we &eha%ed o'rsel%es 'ntil a&o't halfway thro'gh
the mo%ie when a %am"ire g'y was attacking a werewolf
d'de. I wasn’t really "aying attention.
!W(/9- O</!# (lice screamed s'ddenly$ which made
e%eryone in the theater )'m".
!*h't '"!# ( g'y yelled and we fell silent again.
/hen when a %ery steamy se5 scene &egan$ mmett got '"
and ran down the aisle yelling$ !-OO/7*!#
/hat did it. I &'sted '" la'ghing$ holding my sides$ dward
la'ghing with me.
I co'ld hear someone m'ttering to his friend something
a&o't !frat &oys.#
mmett finally came &ack to his seat ne5t to 7ose )'st in
time for shooting to &egin. !-it the floor!# :as"er sho'ted$
and di%ed into the aisle.
(t this "oint$ the other "atrons were getting %ery angry.
*omeone e%en kicked the &ack off my seat$ e%en tho'gh I
did nothing. !Whi"lash!# I said lo'dly$ and dward
s'ddenly t'rned aro'nd. !,id yo' )'st attack my
( "erson &ehind 's was &l'&&ering a"ologies$ and I
disco%ered that it was a co'"le and their yo'ng son. /hey
e5"lained that it was him who kicked my seat$ since they
co'ldn’t find a &a&ysitter for him.
,'ring all of this$ the mo%ie had ended$ so as "eo"le were
getting '" to lea%e$ some with relie%ed looks on their faces$
mmett and :as"er &egan cla""ing lo'dly$ trying to start a
Only some "eo"le did it0 I think the rest )'st wanted to get
away from 's.
I followed 7ose and (lice o't the doors$ the g'ys &ehind
!Well that was a good mo%ie.#
DI wonder whatGs going to ha""en at school tomorrow when
Mike disco%ers he sent the thong to Mrs. 9o"e?D dward
m'sed. (lice shr'gged. DiGm not going to look ahead. I
want to &e s'r"rised!D
(s we all ret'rned to the 9'llens ho'se the ne5t day &efore
school$ (lice s'ddenly &egan la'ghing hysterically.
(s I feared for her sanity$ I asked$ !What’s so f'nny?#
!9arlisle fo'nd o't a&o't the mo%ies somehow!# *he told
me$ still screaming in mirth.
!-ow is that f'nny?# mmett asked$ conf'sed as dward
&egan la'ghing as well. !:'st tr'st 's$ it’s f'nny.# dward
told his family as we went inside again.
-e had his arm aro'nd my waist the entire time$ and only
remo%ed it when we sat on the co'ch$ and that was to hold
my hand instead. We all waited for 9arlisle to come
storming in and &egin to yell at 's.
-owe%er$ sme came in first. !.o' all are in tro'&le$# *he
told 's$ not &othering to mask her am'sed look that was
etched into her feat'res. !-owe%er am'sing that might
/hen dward &egan co'nting down. !/hree$ two$ one...#
7ight on c'e$ 9arlisle came into the room$ f'rio's. /here
was no h'mor in his eyes$ &'t I co'ld still tell it was there.
-e was good at hiding it.
-e had a mad gleam in his eyes as e &egan yelling. -e first
ro'nded on mmett. !-ow was the mo%ie$ 9a"tain
-ooters?! ,id yo' get yo'r dose of ;oonie8se5 for the
/hen he t'rned to :as"er. !,id yo' manage to get away
from the g'nfire?#
!I’m sorry they co'ldn’t fast8forward the mo%ie$ *"eedy
;on+ale+!# -e yelled at (lice.
I started giggling$ &'t then he t'rned to me. !-ow’s yo'r
neck$ Whi"lash Wendy?!#
We all &egan la'ghing as dward said$ !Who the hell is
sme was watching the entire scene$ )'st a&o't choking
with contained la'ghter.
!Ok$ 9arlisle$ calm down!# 7osalie "led. !7emem&er yo'r
/here was a moment of silence &efore all of 's$ e%en
9arlisle$ were nearly rolling on the floor$ roaring with
!(ll right$# 9arlisle told 's after a moment$ !I don’t want
any more "ranks "layed in mo%ie theaters$ malls$ or Wal8
We all nodded. *omewhat satisfied$ 9arlisle then &id (lice$
dward$ and I a good day at school.
!,on’t forget a&o't the thong today!# mmett whis"ered to
dward$ &'t it was lo'd eno'gh that I co'ld hear. !7ecord
dward nodded$ eager for the day to start.
/his was definitely going to &e good3.
/he ride to school was the longest ride I ha%e e%er
e5"erienced. We all were so e5cited to see Mike’s reaction
that we didn’t &other going to o'r lockers or anything yet.
!6ook!# I hissed to dward$ "ointing as the secretary got
o't of her car. -e and (lice t'rned to see Mrs. 9o"e "'lling
at the rear end of her skirt$ clearly 'ncomforta&le with
whate%er she was wearing 'nderneath.
I wonder what that co'ld &e3
We followed her into the hall$ and as she sto""ed to talk to
another teacher$ we &egan to lean cas'ally against lockers$
waiting for Mike to come this way.
/hen there he was$ accom"anied &y ric and /yler.
!I sent her the thong I &o'ght yesterday$# he was saying to
them. Mike had most likely told the story to e%eryone who
-e didn’t e%en notice that we were here at all. -e "aid no
attention to Mrs. 9o"e$ and she "aid no attention to him.
/hen Mrs. 9o"e said to the woman she was con%ersing
with$ !I got this thong in the mail yesterday from a secret
admirer$ and it’s &een riding me all day!#
/he hall &roke o't in whis"ers$ as Mike fro+e$ his face
*'ddenly$ la'ghter &roke o't$ as Mike’s face t'rned red.
!What’s wrong$ Mike?# (lice asked innocently. !,id yo'r
conscience tell yo' to send it?#
-e nodded$ knowing that o't of e%eryone in the school she
was the one who was most likely to &elie%e a ridic'lo's
(lice &egan la'ghing$ and Mike demanded$ !What’s so
f'nny?# !/ell him$ (lice!# I s2'ealed.
*he then ado"ted the same childish %oice she 'sed when
she "retended to &e his conscience. !.o' sho'ld send Bella
some new lingerie!# *he mocked.
!.o' can’t "ro%e it was me!# Mike said confidently$ trying
to regain some of his dignity. !.es we can.# dward said$
and held '" a ta"e recorder.
!,et her a lacy black thong$= +osalie told him. <)he
smallest one there.=
!)hanks$ conscience!= Mike’s oice issued from the small
speakers. <I loe you!=
Mike’s face &ecame e%en redder as "eo"le &egan la'ghing
and "ointing at him. -e then strode down the hall$ not once
looking &ack at 's.
!-ow do yo' feel now$ dward?# 9arlisle asked him after
school. !-ow many times are yo' going to "rank this "oor
!no'gh times to where he lea%es Bella alone.#dward
told his father defiantly. !Besides$ if Bella will e%er wear a
thong$ it’ll &e one that came from me.#
I &l'shed f'rio'sly$ and mmett and :as"er were roaring
!dward!# I hissed$ em&arrassed. -e didn’t 's'ally say
things like that. Ne%ertheless$ I liked it.
!I’m )'st telling it how it is$ lo%e.# dward told me.
!Besides$ yo' liked it anyway. I can see it in yo'r face.#
!*o?# I retorted as mmett &egan la'ghing again.
!I feel a little &ad for Mike now$# I said then. !We ha%e
"'&licly h'miliated him!# !-e sho'ld ha%e learned not to
harass my girlfriend.# dward nearly growled.
!We co'ld ha%e )'st threatened him!# I said$ e5as"erated.
dward o"ened his mo'th to s"eak$ and then sto""ed$
reali+ing that I was right.
/hen :as"er came to his resc'e. !It was oh$ so entertaining
I grinned in s"ite of myself. !I’ll gi%e yo' that one.# :as"er
grinned &ack at me. !/hat’s what I tho'ght.#
!Was it really necessary to &ring '" my none5istent f't're
thongs as a con%ersation to"ic tho'gh?# I demanded to
!I wo'ldn’t say Anone5istent’ Bella3# mmett said slyly$
and (lice$ 7osalie$ and :as"er &egan snickering as dward
made sh'shing motions with his hands. -e threw a death
glare at mmett as I asked slowly$ !What do yo' mean?#
mmett lea"t off the co'ch$ totally gleef'l that he co'ld
dish o't the dirt on dward. !dward "ractically has a
whole shrine of gifts that he "lans on gi%ing yo'!# -e
sho'ted. !/his incl'des lingerie$ )ewelry$ clothes$ &ooks$
more )ewelry and lingerieJ! !no'gh!# I sho'ted
em&arrassed$ as dward &'ried his face in his hands.
!dward got them &eca'se I s'ggested it.# (lice said
formally sitting '" straighter.
!B't why?# I managed to choke o't. !I had a %ision that
yo' wo'ld need them.# *he said$ grinning again.
*'ddenly$ dward stood '". -e co'ldn’t &l'sh anymore$
&'t I knew that he was em&arrassed &eyond &elief. !Bella$
"erha"s we sho'ld go to that mo%ie that we were s'""osed
to see earlier?# -e s'ggested thro'gh clenched teeth.
!.es$ "lease$# I told him$ relie%ed. !(nything to get away
dward grinned and escorted me o't of the ho'se$ ignoring
the la'ghs of his si&lings.
-e then sto""ed and looked &ackwards. !I’m still going to
kill yo' all someday.# -e called &ack to mmett and the
dward and I had decided to go to a totally different mo%ie
so we wo'ldn’t tort're the em"loyees anymore at the other
1or Port (ngeles &eing as small as it was$ I was s'r"rised it
e%en had two mo%ie theaters.
I wasn’t e%en "aying any attention to what mo%ie we were
going to see0 I was too &'sy staring at dward.
By the time we had gotten o't tickets and had fo'nd em"ty
seats$ the theater was nearly f'll.
I &ent o%er to gra& my fallen &ag$ and I s'ddenly heard
dward groan lo'dly. It was a mi5 &etween e5as"eration
I looked '" to see mmett and the other a""roach 's and
gra& em"ty seats. !7eady for the mo%ie$ ddie?# mmett
!(s ready as I’ll e%er &e.# dward told him.
(s the mo%ie finally started$ %ario's !*hh!# and last min'te
whis"ers were heard.
Within the first few min'tes of the mo%ie$ 7osalie had
taken o't her iPod and t'rned it on.
*he &egan singing. 6o'dly.
I ain5t trying to fuck ya man$
"erybody knows he ma numba5 one fan.
I done$ been there$ done that$ bitch an51
.ou wanna get mad bitch$ I don5t gie a damn!
*he was singing so lo'dly that someone threw their
"o"corn &'cket at her$ and it was a large &'cket.
7ose then "'t her iPod away with a disgr'ntled e5"ression
on her face and se%eral "ieces of "o"corn st'ck in her hair.
I tried to kee" myself from la'ghing$ &'t I co'ldn’t fight
the grin that worked its way to my face. I then t'rned to see
mmett holding a large "ile of "a"er in his la".
-e was folding them into "a"er air"lanes at light s"eed$
"re"aring to throw them into the a'dience &elow.
-e "'lled his arm &ack$ and threw one forward. (s it fell$
he then &egan going$ !Newwwww!# making air"lane
!mmett!# I hissed. !*h't '"!# Witho't thinking$ I then
hissed$ !/ell yo'r "recio's /ila /e2'ila im"ersonator o%er
there that she needs to sh't the hell '" too!#
*'ddenly$ (lice took this h'ge "o"corn &'cket that she
somehow managed to &'y and threw its contents into the
air. !It’s snowing!!!# *he s2'ealed.
,elighted$ :as"er then got o't of his seat and &egan making
snow angels in the giant "ile of "o"corn on the floor.
I t'rned to dward$ wondering why he was so silent and
calm a&o't all of this. I )'m"ed &ackward$ startled.
dward was wearing the most ridic'lo's hat that I had e%er
seen in my entire life. It was a foot and a half high with red
and white stri"es on it.
-ow he managed to sneak it into the theater$ I ha%e no idea.
-e t'rned to look at me$ an e5"ression of great am'sement
in his face.
/hat did it. I started la'ghing so hard that my face t'rned
I swear$ the 9'llens are all insane. /he cra+iest %am"ires in
Now that the mo%ie was o%er$ the 9'llens and I were
crossing the "arking lot to go to o'r res"ecti%e cars$
dward still wearing his hat. !.o' know$# (lice said to
7osalie$ !/hat singing really s'cked.#
7osalie scoffed$ "laying along. !Please! I am /ila /e2'ila!#
!/hat means yo'’re a sl't (N, a les&ian!# ( %oice
e5claimed. We t'rned to see 6a'ren and :essica0 the latter
with her face in her hands. I’m "retty s're she knows now
to lea%e 's alone.
6a'ren )'st didn’t get it. !What did yo' say?!# 7ose asked.
!I’m a sl't and a what?#
6a'ren’s smirk grew e%en wider. !688N8B888.8(8N.#
/he rest of 's started la'ghing. 6a'ren tho'ght she was all
that$ and she co'ldn’t e%en s"ell les&ian!
7ose started la'ghing. !(ll yo' are is a d'm& &londe
hooker who can’t s"ell les&ian.#
!/akes one to know one.# 6a'ren said sm'gly$ and 7osalie
l'nged. mmett got his arms aro'nd her )'st in time$ and he
"'lled her towards his )ee".
*till ch'ckling$ :as"er$ (lice$ dward$ and I "iled into the
Vol%o and dro%e off$ mmett right &ehind 's.
!I ha%e a feeling 7ose will kill her in her slee".# I said$ and
dward grinned. !7ose is serio'sly considering it right
We &egan la'ghing$ &'t it was c't short as we ro'nded the
&end in the 9'llens dri%eway.
9arlisle was so f'rio's that he had hidden in a tree right
a&o%e 's and dro""ed on to" of the car hood$ still in his la&
coat. -ow does he find o't a&o't these things?! I’ll ask
later when he isn’t so angry. 7ight now he looked slightly
deranged with anger.
!(((---!# I screamed as dward swer%ed and hit the
(s we got o't$ I was shaking f'rio'sly. mmett and :as"er
were roaring with la'ghter at the sight of my 2'i%ering
!(re yo' mad$ 9arlisle?# dward asked. !.o' nearly
scared her to death!#
!-ow does it feel when the )okes are on yo'?!# 9arlisle
!sme!# (lice called$ "o'ting. !9arlisle is &eing a &ig fat
We all stared at her. ,id she )'st say that 9arlisle was a
meanie? I rest my case when I say that the 9'llens are all
sme came aro'nd the side of the ho'se. *he was wearing
gardening glo%es$ so she m'st ha%e &een "lanting
something. !9arlisle!# *he said her hands on her hi"s as if
she was re"rimanding a child. !If yo' can’t "lay nicely$
then yo' are going to get a time8o't.#
/he rest of 's were in hysterics. sme was com"letely
going along with 's$ and 9arlisle was "ro&a&ly considering
sending 's to thera"y.
1inally he straightened '" and wordlessly "ointed to the
ho'se. We sh'ffled in$ g'ilt e%ident on all of o'r faces.
9arlisle &egan "acing for a moment &efore he s"oke. -e
was trying %ery hard not to e5"lode at all of 's.
!1irst of all$ I ha%e not now$ nor ha%e I e%er &een a &ig fat
I choked &ack a la'gh.
!What is a mo%ie theater 'sed for?# -e asked.
!/o watch mo%ies.# :as"er m'm&led.
!5actly$# 9arlisle told 's. !It is not a -ooters$ it doesn’t
snow$ /he ;oonies no longer "lay there$ /ila /e2'ila is not
a "art of the show$ yo'’re not allowed to tell other "atrons
what ha""ens at the end of mo%ies$ ,r. *e'ss hats are not to
&e worn to mo%ies$ "re%iews can’t &e fast8forwarded$ and
the shooting in the mo%ies isn’t real.#
-e then t'rned to sme. !,id I miss anything?# !/he
"eo"le &ehind the co'nters do act'ally work there and yo'
don’t ha%e whi"lash )'st &eca'se someone kicked yo'r
seat.# *he told him. !(nd yelling AW(/9- O</!’ does
nothing. /he "eo"le in the mo%ies can’t hear yo'.#
!/hanks$ 6o%e.# 9arlisle told her and she smiled.
9arlisle t'rned &ack to 's$ his face deadly. !If I hear that
yo' ha%e "layed any more "ranks in Wal8Mart$ the mall$
the mo%ie theater$ or on Mike Newton$ yo'r cars will &e
donated to charity.#
!Okay 9arlisle$# (lice said standing '". !We’ll sto".#
!/hank yo'.# 9arlisle said$ smiling. /hen his face fell
when he saw the look (lice was gi%ing him.
!.o' ha%e to do something for 's first.#
9arlisle seemed to sl'm" forward. !What do I ha%e to do?#
-e asked in a defeated %oice.
I was s'r"rised 9arlisle agreed to go along with it so
2'ickly. I mean$ &eing as "issed as he was )'st earlier0
eno'gh to where he scared the cra" o't of me$ I kind of
fig'red he wo'ld ha%e screamed$ !NO!# in her face.
I saw sme come sidling &ack into the room. I had a
feeling that she was eager to find o't what (lice want her
h's&and to do. %en if 9arlisle was angry at 's$ she tho'ght
the "ranks we "'lled were hilario's.
(lice grinned e%illy and so did dward. !.o' and sme
ha%e to "lay a game of /r'th or ,are with 's.#
-er %oice was sm'g$ and mmett$ :as"er$ and 7osalie
&egan la'ghing. !,o it$ do it$ do it!# /hey chanted.
I started to smile$ and 9arlisle ga%e in. !1ine! 1ine! I’ll do
it. (nything to sto" the "ranks!# !I don’t know why it was
s'ch a "ro&lem$# dward said. !None of them were
foc'sed on yo'.#
!/hey co'ld ha%e &een$ that’s all I’m saying.# 9arlisle
retorted as he sat cross8legged on the floor.
sme came moments later after "'tting her gardening
glo%es away. *he sat ne5t to 9arlisle on the floor and they
'nconscio'sly intertwined their hands.
It was comforting to know that e%en while Victoria was still
o't there$ at least we co'ld get rid of o'r tro'&les for a
while and that it didn’t strain the relationshi"s of the 9'llen
!-ere is yo'r dareJ! (lice said &efore 9arlisle interr'"ted
!Why do I ha%e to go first? Why is it a'tomatically a
dare?# -e whined. !Beca'se.# :as"er said$ as if it was a
(lice then contin'ed as if there was ne%er an interr'"tion.
!.o' ha%e to call 6a'ren Mallory’s "arents and make them
&elie%e she’s "regnant.#
9arlisle’s mo'th fell o"en. sme e%en got '" and
"ersonally got the "hone for 9arlisle. !What’s her
7osalie ga%e it to him. *he "ro&a&ly knows 6a'ren’s
family history and her social sec'rity n'm&er.
9arlisle then "'t it on s"eaker "hone and dialed. ( woman
"icked '" the "hone and said$ !-ello?#
9arlisle threw (lice a frantic glance$ &'t it was no 'se.
1inally$ he said$ !Is this Mrs. Mallory?#
!.eah$ who is this?# 6a'ren’s mom asked r'dely. ;od$ she
was )'st like her da'ghter.
!/his is ,r. 9'llen$# 9arlisle said$ and her tone changed
immediately. !Oh yes$ of co'rse!# 6a'ren’s mom said
trying to so'nd se5y$ &'t failing misera&ly.
sme act'ally growled$ and Mrs. Mallory said$ !What was
that?# !It was )'st my...dog.# 9arlisle in%ented wildly.
!(nyway$ &ack to the to"ic at hand.#
!Is there something wrong?# Mrs. Mallory asked. !Well$
yes and no$# 9arlisle told her. !We ha%e the res'lts of her
!W-(/?!# Mrs. Mallory screamed thro'gh the "hone.
!.es$ I’m afraid it’s tr'e$# 9arlisle told her in his most
con%incing doctor %oice. !B't I’m afraid there is more.#
!More?!# 6a'ren’s mom asked$ her %oice deadly. /his was
definitely going to &e good. mmett and the other
e5changed delighted looks$ e5cited that 9arlisle was going
along with the )oke so 2'ickly.
!.es. 6a'ren also has ;onorrhea.# 9arlisle added.
/here was a few seconds of silence &efore we co'ld hear
6a'ren’s mom screaming at her. !.o'’re "regnant?! Who’s
the father?! -a%e yo' &een slee"ing aro'nd?!#
!I’m not "regnant!# 6a'ren "led. !-ow do yo' e5"lain the
gonorrhea then?# -er mom demanded. !.o' weren’t
s'""osed to know!# 6a'ren wailed.
*he really did ha%e gonorrhea?! Blackmail!
9arlisle h'ng '"$ and the room e5"loded with la'ghter.
9arlisle e%en )oined in. !/hat wasn’t as &ad as I tho'ght!#
9arlisle e5"lained$ and we all la'ghed harder.
Once it finally s'&sided$ 9arlisle then said$ !Bella$ tr'th or
!Wait!# sme interr'"ted. !.o' said to Mrs. Mallory that I
was a dog?!#
!sme$ lo%e8! 9arlisle tried to e5"lain. !I didn’t mean that!
I swear$ I didn’t!#
sme tried to kee" the serio's and angry look on her face$
&'t she co'ldn’t. *he then &egan giggling.#I’m sorry
9arlisle!# *he nearly s2'ealed. !.o' o"ened yo'rself '"
for that one and I )'st co'ldn’t "ass it '"!#
9arlisle t'rned away. !-'m"h. Meh.#
/hat so'nded really weird coming from 9arlisle.
9om"letely ignoring sme’s a"ology$ he t'rned &ack to me.
!/r'th or dare$ Bella?#
I sat in silence for a moment$ "ondering. I’%e ne%er "layed
this game with the 9'llens$ so I didn’t know what to
e5"ect. :'st &eca'se 9arlisle was s'"er nice all the time$
that didn’t mean he co'ldn’t come '" with cr'el
s'ggestions for the game.
I threw glances at e%eryone$ incl'ding dward and (lice.
/hey had "erfect "oker faces on$ so I co'ldn’t tell if I chose
tr'th or dare and whether it wo'ld &e em&arrassing or not.
!I "ick3tr'th.# I said finally. *'ddenly$ (lice let o't a
high8"itched s2'eal of a la'gh. I knew then that this wasn’t
going to &e good. !What is one secret yo' ha%e ne%er told
I groaned and dward straightened '". !It had something to
do with a g'y$ right?#
I nodded$ and mmett &'rst o't la'ghing.#/ell 's$ Bella!#
!.eah$ tell 's!# 7osa and :as"er chor'sed.
!OE$ fine!# I e5claimed. !When I was a so"homore$ I
"layed tr'th or dare with some of my old friends. /hey
acc'sed me of ha%ing a cr'sh on a senior$ which wasn’t
tr'e$ so they dared me to dress in a sl'tty o'tfit and knock
on his door.#
dward growled. !What’s his name and social sec'rity
!I didn’t do anything to him!# I said hastily. !Besides$ I
lo%e only yo'.#
I started to h'g dward and he leaned forward to kiss me$
&'t mmett mimicked sho%ing his fore finger down his
throat and made a lo'd gagging noise.
!1ine then$ mmett!# I told him. !/r'th or dare?#
mmett wo'ld ne%er t'rn down a dare$ and I knew this$ so
he said$ !,are!# in a lo'd tine$ "'ffing his chest o't.
:as"er snorted$ and mmett seemed to deflate a little.
!What do I ha%e to do?# !.o' ha%e to sign yo'rself '" for
a se58addicts meeting.# I told him sm'gly.
mmett stood '". !1ine.#
-e strode o't of the room amidst la'ghter coming from all
directions. Of co'rse mmett wo'ld do t! -e was "ro&a&ly
in there right now "ro'dly e5"laining in great detailing
e%ery se5'al act he has done.
!;ood one$ Bella!# 7osalie told me$ and I smiled.
-o"ef'lly 7osalie and I were on good terms now after all
of the things we had done.
*e%eral min'tes had "assed$ and mmett came &ack in$
do'&led o%er with la'ghter.#/he meeting wasn’t o%er!#
9arlisle e5claimed. !What are yo' doing &ack so soon?#
mmett "laced his large hands on the &ack of :as"er’s chair
and choked o't$ !/he doctor8!
!What a&o't the doctor?# (lice asked. !It was his name!#
!What’s so f'nny a&o't someone’s name?# sme asked$
)'st as conf'sed as I was.
!-is name was Era%en Moorhead! ( se58addict doctor’s
name was Acra%ing more head’!# mmett howled.
:as"er &egan roaring with la'ghter$ and his emotions were
going haywire$ so we ended '" la'ghing too. !I co'ldn’t
stay$# mmett e5"lained. !My entire chair was shaking
when he introd'ced himself!#
Once we all calmed down$ mmett asked$ !sme$ tr'th or
dare?# !/r'th.# *he said firmly.
mmett then asked$ !What’s the cra+iest "lace yo' and
9arlisle ha%e done it?#
Oh ;od. I tho'ght I was going to die. I was &l'shing
f'rio'sly$ and 7ose and (lice were giggling. dward was
grinning &'t not for long.
sme &'ried her face into her hands &efore she said as
2'ietly as she co'ld so that I co'ld hear too$ !/he Vol%o.#
dward’s mo'th fell o"en$ his face a mi5t're of disg'st and
mmett was la'ghing lo'dly and "o'nded his &rother on
the &ack. !.o'’%e &een sitting in a se5 chair this entire
!,id yo' know this$ (lice?!# dward demanded of his
fa%orite sister. !,'h!# *he howled$ shrieking with la'ghter.
!.o'r car is a lo%e machine!# 7ose e5claimed$ delighted.
dward clenched his teeth$ and sme and 9arlisle looked
like they %ery m'ch regretted agreeing to "lay this game.
!Bom chicka wah wah3# :as"er m'rm'red.
!/r'th or dare$ (lice?# sme whis"ered.
9arlisle sat there on the gro'nd$ a tho'ghtf'l look on his
face. It made no sense$ since (lice co'ld see what was
*'re eno'gh$ (lice’s face went from one of calm to one of
com"lete horror. !NO$ 9arlisle!# *he yelled. !I’ll do
anything &'t that!#
9arlisle then grinned. !I dare yo' to donate yo'r most
e5"ensi%e clothes to charity.#
7osalie grinned at that. !I’ll hel" yo'$ (lice!# *he said
&rightly. !/hat’s "ractically e%erything I own!# (lice
com"lained as 7ose "'lled her '" o't of the chair.
!,o it$ (lice$# )as"er said soothingly. /he entire room
seemed to &ecome calm all of a s'dden. !.o' can &'y new
(lice took a dee" 'nnecessary &reath and said$ !(ll right.#
*he then "ermitted 7osalie to "'ll her '"stairs. 1or the ne5t
se%eral min'tes$ all we co'ld hear was the occasional yells
of$ !No$ 7ose! Not that!# from (lice and !I’ll &'rn it if yo'
don’t hand it o%er!# from 7ose.
!Well$ well$ well$# mmett ch'ckled. !*omeone has a
When they ret'rned$ 7osalie was holding se%eral h'ge
gar&age &ags f'll of clothes$ shoes$ and %ario's other
%al'a&les. (lice strode "ast 9arlisle witho't looking at him
and "roceeded to &'ry her face into :as"er’s sho'lder.
7ose threw the &ags into mmett’s )ee" and came &ack
inside. !We’ll donate them when the game is o%er.#
(lice’s head sna""ed '". !1ine$# *he retorted. !7osalie$
tr'th or dare?#
!,are.# 7ose said sm'gly. :'st seeing that look alone sent
shi%ers down my s"ine. It was totally dangero's and it sent
a message to (lice. If yo' try to get rid of my "ossessions$ I
will destroy the Porsche.
(lice got the message$ and her face seemed to fall. !I dare
yo' to send some of yo'r lingerie to o'r friend :aco& with a
note saying yo' en)oyed the night last night.#
7ose groaned$ and then la'ghed. !.o' don’t ha%e his
address!# !(s a matter of fact$ I do$# (lice re"lied$ "'lling
a sli" of "a"er o't of her "ocket. !Bella li%es with him too.
I saw this dare ahead of time$ so I got the s'""lies I wo'ld
dward la'ghed at the look on 7osalie’s face. !Ne%er cross
a fort'ne teller!# -e told her.
mmett somehow managed to "roc're a "iece of "a"er and
a "en. !-ere. Write.#
7osalie &ent o%er the "a"er and scri&&led her message to
:aco&. !I ha%e an idea!# dward e5claimed and dashed
'"stairs. When he came &ack$ he was holding se%eral o"en
!*orry mmett$# -e shr'gged. !I had to &orrow these from
I ga"ed at the items that dward dro""ed into the &o5.
!9ondom wra""ers?! *ince when do yo' need those?#
mmett smirked at me. !/hose are fla%ored.#
WWW!!! I did not need to know that.
7osalie threw her note into the shoe &o5 that once ho'sed
shoes that$ thanks to 9arlisle$ (lice no longer owned.
7osalie now had an eager look on her face as we dro%e
down the road. It t'rns o't that :aco& and Bella li%ed only a
few streets o%er from me.
We "'lled '" in front of the ho'se. It was a 2'aint thing$ a
light yellow in color. 7osalie had dressed in$ well$ I
wo'ldn’t say sl'tty$ &'t it was the only word to descri&e it8
a dark red dress that was way too low c't.
mmett was throwing an5io's glances at 7osalie and
dward was wincing &eca'se of mmett’s tho'ghts. I don’t
think he’ll &e a&le to kee" his "ants on if 7ose ke"t
dressing like this.
7osalie then got o't of the car and strode '" to the door.
Before she rang the &ell$ she "laced a small micro"hone on
the inside of the mail slot.
When she rang the &ell$ Bella answered it immediately. -er
ha""y face fell. !9an I hel" yo'?# *he asked r'dely$ gi%ing
7osalie a once o%er.
!-ello$ I )'st came to ret'rn this to :aco&.# 7osalie thr'st
the &o5 forward and Bella took it.
(s 7ose ret'rned to the car$ :aco& came to the door. -e
o"ened the &o5 and read 7ose’s note.
!/hank yo' for the wonderf'l time I had last night. We
sho'ld get together and do it again.#
!What?!# Bella shrieked. !;i%e me that &o5!#
*he snatched it &ack and it fell to the gro'nd. /he contents
s"illed o't0 the condom wra""ers and someone had "'t in a
"air of &o5ers.
I’m afraid to ask who it was.
:aco& immediately cowered0 e%en thro'gh Bella had yet to
start screaming at him.
mmett shi%ered in antici"ation. !/hree$ two$ one3#
!/hat’s it!# Bella screamed. !I ha%e had it with yo' and
yo'r o&session with se5! 1or the "ast few days I ha%e seen
yo' with either men or women!#
!I’m not gay!# :aco& roared.
!Not gay$ my ass!# Bella screamed. !.o' really ha%e A&een
there$ done that’ ha%en’t yo'?!#
(fter this$ :as"er dro%e off$ and we co'ld still hear Bella
and :aco& screaming at each other.
On the way &ack$ 7osalie said$ !:as"er$ tr'th or dare?#
/here we were$ s"read aro'nd the large li%ing room3
"issed at each other.
dward was angry with 9arlisle and sme for slee"ing in
his Vol%o and not telling him$ (lice was angry at 9arlisle
for making her donate her fa%orite clothes$ and mad at 7ose
for &eing all too ha""y a&o't it.
I think 7osalie )'st wanted to ha%e the &est things o't of the
family. I &et (lice was glad she didn’t ha%e to get rid of her
7osalie was still mad at 6a'ren for calling her a sl't and a
hooker. I ha%e a feeling that she had come '" with so many
ways to either h'miliate or kill 6a'ren.
I was angry with 9arlisle &eca'se he made me tell the
secret that I had originally ho"ed to take to the gra%e. I had
e%en sworn the friends I was with to secrecy. -o"ef'lly
they ha%en’t told anyone!
sme was angry with mmett for re%ealing her dirty
la'ndry to e%eryone.
mmett was mad at me &eca'se he ne%er got a chance to
stay at his se58addicts meeting so he can s"ill his se5
secrets to others.
/he only "erson who wasn’t angry &y his own doing was
:as"er. -e was only angry &eca'se he felt e%eryone else’s
emotions and let them get the &est of him.
-e whi""ed his &lond hair o't of his face and answered
7osalie’s 2'estion. With him &eing a soldier$ he had no fear
at all$ so nat'rally$ he anno'nced$ !,are.#
7osalie o"ened her mo'th and then closed it$ "ondering a
dare for him to do. One that wo'ld totally em&arrass him.
!I dare yo' to3wear nothing &'t toilet "a"er as clothes for
the rest of the game.# *he stared at him sm'gly$ daring him
:as"er seemed to "o't as he stared at her. !(re yo'
kidding? We don’t e%en ha%e toilet "a"er!# !(ct'ally we
do$# sme told him. !,o yo' remem&er the h'man who
fre2'ently stays here? If yo' don’t$ she’s sitting right ne5t
to yo'. -er name is Bella.# *he s"oke slowly as if he was
!I’m not st'"id$ sme.# :as"er told her thro'gh clenched
teeth. !I’ll &e right &ack then.# -e then stom"ed '" the
(s he did so$ mmett &'rst o't la'ghing. !/his is going to
&e the &est dare e%er!# -e so'nded like an e5cited
schoolgirl. -is h'ge frame was &o'ncing '" and down in
his chair$ shaking with e5citement.
When :as"er finally came downstairs$ I was in tears. -e
had com"letely co%ered himself in toilet "a"er$ making a
shirt and "ants. On to" of that$ he had fashioned himself a
ty"e of t'r&an thing to wear in his head.
!Nice to'ch$ :as"er$# I giggled o%er the la'ghs he was
recei%ing. !*h't '"$ Bella.# -e told me$ winking. !If I’m
going to do this dare$ I might as well make it interesting.#
!.o' do reali+e that yo'r dare was to wear that the entire
game?# I contin'ed. !*o if we ha%e to lea%e the ho'se$ yo'
ha%e to wear that t'r&an thing too!#
/here was a "a'se. !*hit!#
/he la'ghs er'"ted again. !I like it$# mmett said. !It adds
to the o'tfit.#
!Nah$ there’s too m'ch white!# (lice disagreed s2'ealing
:as"er crossed his arms and "o'ted. !1ine then. dward$
tr'th or dare?#
Now that the foc's was on him$ dward seemed to tense in
his seat. -e frowned when he glanced at (lice$ so she was
hiding what she had seen a&o't his choice.
!I choose tr'th.# dward said firmly. :as"er grinned. !(ll
right. -ow old were yo' when yo' had yo'r first real
dward looked down$ em&arrassed. !*e%enteen$# he said$
%ery 2'ietly.#It was with Bella.#
!.o'’%e &een ali%e for a h'ndred and se%enteen years and
yo' had ne%er kissed a girl 'ntil yo' met Bella?# mmett
asked$ gleef'l. !I tho'ght &eing a se58de"ri%ed horndog
dward shot mmett one of his trademark glares. !,on’t
talk to me like that! Who was it that ca'sed 's to mo%e
from Ottawa &eca'se they told the entire city a&o't their
%ario's Ase5ca"ades’ in great detail?#
mmett didn’t think this was an ins'lt. 7ather$ he took it as
a com"liment. !Of co'rse! I am a se5 god!#
:as"er snorted$ ca'sing his At'r&an’ to shake$ and mmett
act'ally stood '" and slammed his foot onto the s'rface of
the coffee ta&le$ making it shake. -e then "roceeded to
"lace his hands on his hi"s$ looking like someone "osing
for a romance no%el.
!-ere he goes$# (lice groaned.
!Who was it that ga%e -'gh -efner the idea to create
Play&oy Mansion? Was it not I? 1rom the time I was a
yo'ng lad$ I was fore%er known as the "lay&oy who wo'ld
yell$ ABow down$ &itches!’ and they wo'ld do so$ kneeling
at my awesome "ower!#
mmett thr'st his fist into the air$ and I &'rst o't la'ghing.
7osalie was "o'nding her hand into the floor0 (lice was
rolling in her chair$ :as"er doing the same.
sme$ 9arlisle$ and dward all had their heads in their
hands$ &'t I knew they were )'st as am'sed as I was$ no
matter how many times they had heard his s"eech.
!Now$ sit sla%es$# mmett commanded$ !(nd let 's
contin'e this tem"tress of a game$ for it is &eckoning 's
forward$ calling for 's to re%eal o'r innermost tho'ghts and
secrets for the other "layers to 'se$ and "ortraying this
game as a "erfect e"itome of em&arrassment.#
!(ll right$ Eing -enry$# 7osalie said sarcastically. !Pick
mmett grinned e%illy. !I "ick3#
mmett threw himself &ack down onto his chair. I swear I
flew '" se%eral inches o't of my seat.
!9hill$ mmett!# dward scolded. !I &elie%e it is my t'rn
anyway.# -e sco"ed the room$ looking for a weak s"ot.
-is eyes then rested on sme$ who g'l"ed. I think she was
sorry for !'sing# dward’s car witho't asking$ or e%en
telling him she 'sed it at all.
dward straightened '" and said formally$ !/r'th or dare$
sme’s eyes darted aro'nd the room$ contem"lati%e. !I "ick
dare.# sme re"lied.
Once she saw 9arlisle incred'lo's stare$ she e5"lained why
she chose dare. !/here is no way I’m "icking tr'th again!
Enowing them$ they’ll come '" with some other nasty or
cra+y 2'estion for me to answer.#
!I dare yo' to order a "i++a.# dward told his ado"ti%e
mother. *he smiled in relief0 thinking that it was all she had
to do. !/hen yo' ha%e to eat it.# dward told her sm'gly.
!(ll of it.#
-er mo'th fell o"en in horror as (lice &egan dialing. !.es$
I wo'ld like a large "i++a with ancho%ies$ m'shrooms$
"e""eroni$ and lots of )ala"enos and garlic sa'ce.#
I was conf'sed for a moment$ &'t then I remem&ered what
dward told me in school a while &ack. -'man food tasted
like &itter m'd to %am"ires.
I felt &ad for sme$ since she wo'ld ha%e to co'gh it all '"
*e%eral min'tes of horrified silence "assed &efore the &ell
mmett &o'nded o%er to the door and fl'ng it o"en. /here
standing on the door ste"$ was the "erson he least wanted to
It was I++y. *he let o't a lo'd shriek and dro""ed the "i++a
&o5 she was holding. !I lo%e yo'!# *he managed to gas"
mmett &egan &acking away slowly$ and 7osalie said
lo'dly$ !/hat home wrecker I++y isn’t here is she?#
(s 7osalie a""roached mmett$ I++y stared her down$ an
e5"ression of great distaste on her face. !My co'sin told
me a&o't yo'$# I++y told 7osalie$ !*he says yo'’re nothing
&'t a d'm& &londe tram"y sl't who slee"s aro'nd.#
It took 7osalie great strength to kee" a le%el head. !I take it
that yo'r co'sin is 6a'ren Mallory$ am I right?#
%eryone else was "aying attention to the confrontation
e5ce"t sme. When no one was looking$ she took the "i++a
o't of the &o5 and$ 'sing her %am"ire strength$ threw I o't
the window as far as she co'ld.
I snickered and sme smiled at me. We t'rned &ack to the
fight$ and I++y had )'st said$ !.o'’re a skank.#
!.o'r mom is a skank.# 7osalie said sm'gly.
!-ere we go$# :as"er said. !7osalie is a&o't to start one of
her famo's A.o mama’ wars.# !/his will &e good.# (lice
agreed$ and mmett nodded in agreement.
!1ine$# I++y re"lied. !.o'r mom is so fat$ that when her
&ee"er went off "eo"le tho'ght she was &acking '".#
sme gro'nd her teeth$ &'t we ignored her for once. I
wanted to see this. !.o'r mom has more chins than a
9hinese "hone &ook.# 7osalie told I++y.
9arlisle act'ally &'rst o't la'ghing at that one.
I++y’s Pi++a -'t hat seemed to dro" &efore she retorted
&ack$ !.o'r mom is so fat she had to &e &a"ti+ed at *ea
mmett started la'ghing$ &'t fell silent when 7ose shot a
glare at him. !What? /hat one was f'nny!#
!.o'r mom is so st'"id that she got looked inside a grocery
store and star%ed to death!# 7osalie yelled. !Oh yeah?!
Well yo'r mom is so skinny that when she t'rned sideways$
she disa""eared!# I++y yelled &ack.
!.o'r mom is so old0 she has a "ict're of Moses in her
year&ook!# 7osalie screamed. !.o'r mom is so old0 she
was a waitress at the 6ast *'""er!# I++y screamed &ack$ her
hair flying in all directions.
!.o'r mom is so nasty$ I called to say hello and she ga%e
me an ear infection.# 7osalie said sm'gly.
I++y frowned. !.o' may ha%e won this one$ &'t I’ll &e
&ack!# *he t'rned and stom"ed o't the door.
!*ho'ld we tell her that she was ne%er "aid for the "i++a?#
!No.# *e%eral %oices chor'sed.
!I swear I’m going to kill them all.# 7osalie said %icio'sly.
*he sw'ng her &londe hair o't of her face and slammed
herself &ack down into the chair.
!-ey$ where’s the "i++a?# (lice asked then$ sticking her
head o't from &ehind :as"er. !sme was s'""osed to eat it$
%eryone t'rned to look at sme$ who had an innocent look
on her face. !I$ 'h$ ate it!# *he stammered. !It was totally
nasty.# *he "laced her hand o%er her stomach to em"hasi+e
her "oint$ &'t no one &o'ght it. !Nice try$ sme.# :as"er
!.o'’ll )'st ha%e to eat something later.# mmett told her$
and she frowned. !Is it my t'rn to "ick?# !.es$ lo%e$#
9arlisle told her. /hen sme said$ !I "ick Bella.# (ll eyes
were on me$ and I grinned shee"ishly. ;reat.
!/r'th or dare$ honey?# sme asked kindly.
dward ga%e me a reass'ring s2'ee+e and I g'l"ed. !I "ick
dare.# I said meekly$ and sme looked tho'ghtf'l. I think
she was trying to come '" with a dare that wasn’t as
em&arrassing as the last one.
(s she deli&erated$ I glanced aro'nd the room. 7osalie and
mmett were whis"ering to each other. I ha%e a feeling I
know the to"ic of disc'ssion.
(lice was im"atiently ta""ing her fingernails on the arm of
the co'ch$ her other arm swinging off the edge.
:as"er was sitting "atiently with his arms folded$ staring at
(lice as if she was the most fascinating tele%ision "rogram.
9arlisle was doing the same thing to sme0 he )'st wasn’t
making it as o&%io's as :as"er was.
!I dare yo' to "retend to &e someone in this room and
I then sighed$ thankf'l that it was all I had to do. I already
had an idea in mind of the "erson I was going to imitate.
(lice snorted and dward was grinning. ;ood. (t least I
wo'ld &e f'nny.
I stood '" and "laced my hands on my hi"s. !mmett?
Where’s my monkey8man? I want my &ig giant teddy &ear
to gi%e me a massage! I need a mirror! /ell me I’m "retty!#
mmett$ :as"er$ (lice$ and dward &egan la'ghing$ &'t
7osalie stared at me with clenched teeth. *he was trying to
scare me into sto""ing$ &'t I co'ld tell she was am'sed$ so
I decided to &ring it '" a notch.
!,id yo' )'st call me a sl't?! Well$ yo'r mom is so fat$ all
the resta'rants in town ha%e signs that say> AMa5im'm
Occ'"ancy> ?O@ Patrons O7 yo'r Mom’.# I "retended to
&r'sh my hair o't of my face.
By this "oint$ 7osalie was shaking in her seat.
!Oh yeah? .o'r mom is so fat she wore ;'ess )eans and
the answer "o""ed o't!# I yelled again in my fake fight
with an imaginary I++y.
By now$ 7osalie was wa%ing her hands and gas"ing for air.
!/hat was the f'nniest thing I ha%e e%er seen in a long
time!# *he s2'ealed.
!.o' forgot to mention me!# mmett "o'ted. !*he did
mention yo'$ Amonkey man’.# dward told him.
!I am not a teddy &ear!# mmett growled. -e stood '"$ and
I tho'ght he was "re"aring to start another se5 s"eech.
/hen mmett yelled$ !I am =ena!#
I’m "retty m'ch scarred for life now. Not literally$ at least.
mmett had gotten '" and "'t on his =ena cost'me right
there in the li%ing room in front of e%ery&ody.
9arlisle then "roceeded to chase mmett aro'nd the yard$
since mmett was told to destroy the atrocio's cost'me$
which he had no intention of doing. (ccording to him$ he
was going to make 7ose wear it sometime.
sme )'st got '" and retreated &ack to the garden so she
co'ld contin'e whate%er she was doing &ack there. :as"er
got '" with a relie%ed look on his face and dashed '"stairs$
ret'rning dressed in reg'lar clothes again.
(lice s'ggested we dri%e aro'nd town$ and we agreed.
dward ref'sed to let anyone else near his "recio's Vol%o$
so we took mmett’s )ee" instead. .o' know$ A&orrowed
witho't "ermission$ &'t with e%ery intention of &ringing it
&ack’ kind of thing. !What sho'ld we do?# (lice asked
I t'rned aro'nd in my seat to see (lice &o'ncing '" and
down$ ca'sing the car to shake. /o an o'tsider$ it "ro&a&ly
looked like we had hydra'lics. :as"er rested his hand on his
wife’s sho'lder and stared at her. !Well$ I’m &ored!# *he
dward grinned from the dri%er’s seat and :as"er mimicked
him. Only 7osalie didn’t say anything. We all stared at her0
dward thro'gh the rear%iew mirror.
*he had her iPod head"hones in$ singing once again with
her eyes closed and her head resting against the &ack of the
seat. !,on’t tr'st a ho$ ne%er tr'st a ho3#
!*o yo' admit it!# I e5claimed lo'dly and her eyes sna""ed
o"en. !I’m not a sl't!# *he screamed$ her eyes wild.
!I ne%er said yo' were a sl't$ I said yo' were a ho. /here’s
a difference.# I said sm'gly. dward snickered as 7osalie
got a dangero's look in her eye. !It’s my t'rn to &e yo'!#
*he said with mock e5citement. :as"er and (lice stared$
their c'riosity rekindled.
7osalie straightened '" and cleared her throat
'nnecessarily. !*omeone make me a sandwich! I’m h'ngry$
so I need to eat ?OPM!#
(lice snickered$ and 7ose contin'ed$ goaded. !-el" me$
I’m &leeding! Oh god$ I tri""ed again! I’m so cl'msy!#
:as"er was la'ghing &y this "oint$ so 7osalie said$ !I need
se5! dward$ slee" with me!# !No$ Bella$# (lice said$
"layed the "art of dward. !I want to kee" my %irginity for
the rest of my life thank yo'.#
:as"er started howling &y now$ and then 7ose said$ !B't
dward! I )'st lo%e yo' so m'ch that I want to "ro%e my
lo%e and slee" with yo' &eca'se e%eryone else is!#
!What a&o't the other "oor girls who no longer ha%e a
chance with slee"ing with me? -ow will they feel? I care
a&o't others$ yo' know.# (lice re"lied.
!We’ll make a "orno$ then!# 7osalie s2'ealed.
!*-</ <P!# I roared$ and the car fell silent. Before I co'ld
start yelling$ :as"er "ointed o't the window and said$
!9heck that o't!#
We all looked o'tside. !It’s nothing &'t a B'ild8a8Bea8! I
re"lied then sto""ed. /he 9'llens were sending each other
!I ha%e an idea to mess with mmett3# 7osalie said$
grinning widely. !1ollow me.#
We "roceeded to e5it the car and follow her into the tiny
store. *creaming kids and e5ha'sted "arents were
We then hid &ehind se%eral large racks of clothing as
7osalie called mmett cell "hone. It rang twice &efore
"icked '". !-ey$ &a&e. Where are yo'?#
7osalie "retended to so'nd f'rio's. !*omeone at this store
kee"s harassing me! -e won’t sto"! 9an yo' come
straighten him o't?#
!Of co'rse.# mmett growled$ and asked again. !Where are
7osalie told mmett the address$ so we had to wait 'ntil he
While we were waiting$ (lice was a&sent8mindedly
dressing a &rown animal of some sort in tiny clothing. We
were watching her 'ntil a lo'd %oice yelled$ !7ose?#
We "eeked aro'nd the rack to see the h'ge form of mmett
standing in the middle of the store. /he "arents were
gra&&ing their children and r'nning from mmet as soon as
mmett glanced aro'nd the store se%eral times$ looking for
7osalie. I don’t think he e%en knew what store he was in.
*'ddenly$ he got a glance of a sign. !B'ild8a8Bear.# -e
m'rm'red 2'ietly. /hen he a&r'"tly yelled. !Bears?!#
-e ran to one rack that ho'sed "olar &ear st'ffed animals.
-e then "roceeded to ri" them a"art with his teeth.
!*ir8! (n em"loyee ran o%er to try and sto" him$ &'t he ran
the other way after seeing mmett t'rn toward him with
cotton st'ck in his teeth.
mmett started to destroy the worksho" yelling$ !Bears! I
(fter se%eral min'tes of watching mmett ransack a sho"$
he sto""ed. We tho'ght he was finished$ since e%ery &ear
was in shreds$ s"read all o%er the store. *'ddenly$ he
s"otted a giant gri++ly &ear st'ffed animal on the rack we
were hiding &ehind.
!;7INN6.!# -e roared$ snatching it '". !.O< ,I!#
mmett yelled$ so'nding %ery m'ch like /ar+an of the
-e tore its head off &efore 7osalie stood '". /he rest of 's
were &ehind her$ staring at mmett like he lost his mind.
!What are yo' doing?# 7osalie asked.
mmett had the decency to look shee"ish$ as it seemed he
co'ldn’t come '" with a s'ita&le answer. 1inally$ he looked
'" thro'gh his c'rly hair$ resem&ling a small child.
!/he gri++ly looked at me f'nny.#
mmett followed 's &ack to the )ee"$ a shee"ish e5"ression
e%ident on his face.
*ome of the em"loyees were watching 's lea%e0 some were
f'rio's and others were )'st relie%ed that the madman was
!.o' do reali+e we ha%e to "ay for that now$ right?#
dward said$ holding &ack la'ghter.
!.eah$ I know$# mmett said. !I’m not st'"id$ yo' ree8ree.#
:as"er snorted lo'dly$ and 7osalie said scornf'lly$ !.o'’re
!No$ I’m not!# mmett defended himself as we clim&ed
into the )ee". !Who was it that )'st called dward a Aree8
ree’ then?# (lice snickered.
mmett o"ened his mo'th$ no do'&t to throw (lice a smart
aleck comment. -e then reali+ed that they were right a&o't
his st'"idity. !,amn!#
We started la'ghing at him. !(ll right$ all right$# mmett
said in a good nat'red tone. -e was also smiling0 good to
know he co'ld take a )oke. !Who’s '" for my challenge?#
Intrig'ed$ I asked$ !What is it?#
mmett whis"ered the challenge into my ear as dward
gro'nd his teeth together. !9ome on$ it’s )'st a )oke!#
!,o it$ Bella!# (lice told me eagerly. When I saw her
golden eyes lit '" in e5citement$ I relented. !1ine. Where
do yo' want me to do it?#
!O%er at that corner.# 7osalie "ointed o't the window at
the street. /he corner in 2'estion was littered with gar&age
!/hat corner is known for "rostit'tion!# I e5claimed.
!5actly.# :as"er said$ and he reached into the &ack seat$ a
smile on his face.
Once I &ecome a %am"ire$ I am going to kill mmett the
first chance I get.
:as"er had reached into the &ack seat where all of (lice’s
most e5"ensi%e clothes were. I had forgotten that she was
s'""osed to donate them. (ccording to mmett$ at least
there was a last 'se for some of them.
(lice and 7osalie took me into a clothing store near&y and
dressed me in these clothes. (lice had se%eral garments of
clothing that were in my si+e$ and they were way too &ig
Why did she e%en &'y them? I was afraid to ask.
While they were "icking o't clothes for me$ (lice and 7ose
had e5cited and ha""y grins on their faces. It was good to
know that they were getting s'ch am'sement o't of my
/hey "icked o't the most god8awf'l clothes I can imagine.
/here were se%eral words to descri&e them$ which incl'ded
sl'tty$ skanky$ tram"y$ ho8clothes$ the dishin8the8dirt skirt$
I ste""ed o't of the store$ recei%ing many stares from male
"atrons. (s I ret'rned to dward$ his eyes &'lged. !Wow$
Bella$# -e stammered$ !.o' look8! -e then "a'sed$
str'ggling to find the right word.
!Bootilicio's?# mmett s'ggested. dward then "roceeded
to "'nch him while :as"er roared with la'ghter.
dward contin'ed to m'tter darkly as 7osalie 'shered me
to the 9orner of 9rackheads.
When I t'rned aro'nd$ they were all &ack in the )ee"$
watching me and shaking with discerni&le la'ghter. (lice
motioned for me to start. I knew the 9'llens co'ld hear me
from where they were$ so I took a dee" &reath$ "'t on
s'nglasses 7osalie ga%e me$ and &egan the challenge.
!5c'se me?# I motioned to se%eral men who "assed me.
!Will yo' &e my &a&y daddy?# !-ow a&o't yo'$ sir? Will
yo' &e my &a&y daddy?#
I co'ld see mmett roaring with la'ghter$ and dward
glaring at e%ery man that s"ent more than two seconds
staring at me.
(fter a&o't ten min'tes of this8mmett ne%er told me when
to 2'it8I heard a "olice siren$ and saw a %ery familiar
/he 9'llens sto""ed la'ghing and stared incred'lo'sly.
/hey &egan roaring with la'ghter again when my own
father a""roached me. ( %ein in his forehead was "'lsing.
If there was one thing my father hated$ it was "rostit'tion.
!.o'ng lady$ yo' do know that "rostit'tion is illegal in the
state of Washington$ right?#
I nodded$ s'ddenly ner%o's. 9harlie was staring at me
sternly. !-ow old are yo'?# -e asked. !ighteen.# I told
!What "arents wo'ld let their eighteen year da'ghter sell
themsel%es?# -e said angrily$ circling me. !-ow wo'ld
yo'r "arents feel a&o't this?#
I shr'gged$ not s're how to answer. 9harlie took that as a
signal of disres"ect$ so he said$ !/ake off yo'r s'nglasses$
*hit! I "'lled them off slowly$ "re"ared for his reaction.
When he f'lly saw my face$ his eyes &'lged. !Bella?!# -e
managed to choke o't.
!-i$ ,ad.# I said weakly.
-e then colla"sed in a dead faint.
dward and the others s'rro'nded him$ concerned. It was
(lice who &roke the silence.
!.o' killed him!#
!I didn’t kill him!# I said e5as"erated as dward &egan
wa%ing his hand a&o%e 9harlie’s face. -e &egan to stir$ and
I sighed with relief.
I heard mmett and 7osalie ha%ing a heated arg'ment$ &'t
I ignored them as I knelt as low as I co'ld in front of
9harlie witho't re%ealing anything.
!Bella?# -e asked$ still only "artly conscio's. !What’s
!It was )'st a &et$ dad$# I said gently. !I wasn’t really trying
to sell myself.# !.o' s're as hell weren’t!# 9harlie
e5claimed animated. !If yo' were$ yo'’d &e arrested$
regardless if yo'’re my da'ghter or not!#
I o"ened my mo'th to reass're him again$ &'t I was
interr'"ted &y the so'nd of la'ghing. 9harlie &egan
r'&&ing his head0 he hit it "retty hard when he fell to the
"a%ement$ so I knew I was safe.
mmett had somehow "ers'aded 7ose to contin'e my
challenge$ which e5"lained their arg'ment earlier.
7osalie was wa%ing at "assing men. !Ba&y daddy?
*omeone "lease hel" me and &e my &a&y daddy! It’s my
dream to &e on :erry *"ringer$ Ma'ry$ and ;irls ;one
I started la'ghing as o'r oh8so8s"ecial friend :aco& "assed
&y$ determined not to look at 7ose. I then fig'red o't why.
Bella was across the street &rowsing thro'gh the &ooks.
7osalie reached o't and gra&&ed his arm$ )'st as Bella
looked '" and s"otted him. !I )'st want a &a&y daddy!#
7osalie e5claimed. !(re yo' trying to ignore me?# *he
asked him in a low %oice.
:aco& nodded$ &'t 'nfort'nately his girlfriend only heard
7ose say$ !I want a &a&y daddy!#
With a lo'd cry$ she la'nched herself across the street$
kee"ing an eye on the traffic. !(7 .O< /7.IN; /O B
-7 B(B. ,(,,.?!# *he roared$ com"letely ignoring
the co" that was still seated on the sidewalk.
!/his is my man$ yo' sl't!#*he screamed at 7osalie$ who’s
greatly am'sed face &ecame deadly. (ll of 's who knew
not to call 7osalie a sl't winced. Bella was a&o't to get it
Was it another yo mama war? I had ho"ed so$ 'ntil 7osalie
la'nched herself at the girl and dragged her to the gro'nd.
*he was trying hard not to 'se her %am"ire strength$ and it
showed. 7osalie and Bella rolled aro'nd on the gro'nd$
sla""ing each other and "'lling hair. !Bitch fight! Bitch
fight!# mmett yelled$ thr'sting his fist in the air.
dward sh'shed him$ and mmett was silent for a moment
&efore he yelled again$ !/ake her to" off!#
9harlie had come ro'nd &y this "oint$ and he had also seen
that Bella was the one who instigated the fight$ so he
)'m"ed in and dragged her o't0 momentarily distracted$
since 7osalie had a handf'l of her hair.
!I’m going to ha%e to take yo' downtown for dist'r&ing the
"eace.# 9harlie told her as he "laced her in handc'ffs. !.o'
are 'nder arrest.#
*he was then 'shered into the &ackseat of the cr'iser.
Before 9harlie dro%e off$ he had a last message for me.
!/he ne5t time I see yo'0 those clothes had &etter &e
I nodded$ and he dro%e away.
1or a s"lit second$ :aco& was st'nned. -is face then s"lit
into a wide grin. !I’m free! I’m free!# -e yelled gleef'lly.
!,ing8dong$ the witch is dead!# -e &egan singing as he
ski""ed away$ still in high s"irits a&o't his now e58
!I wonder who else we get to tort're once he gets a new
girlfriend.# I wondered alo'd.
We were in tro'&le now. We were st'"id eno'gh to hang
aro'nd at the street corner for another few min'tes.
9harlie a""arently decided to ret'rn to see if we were still
there$ which we were. I was )'st thankf'l I had changed o't
of those horrendo's clothes &efore he arri%ed.
<nfort'nately$ 7osalie did not.
9harlie still &elie%ed she was trying to sell herself$ so she
was now in the &ack of the cr'iser on the way &ack to /he
9'llens ho'se. 9harlie was going to tell 9arlisle.
When mmett ca'ght sight of his wife getting arrested for
"rostit'tion$ he &egan la'ghing so hard that he was arrested
for dist'r&ing the "eace. /he em"loyee of B'ild8(8Bear
wasted no time in informing 9harlie of this as well.
Now they &oth were &eing taking to 9arlisle. 1or once$ they
&oth were e5tremely ner%o's.
(s 9harlie a""roached the ho'se with 7ose and mmett
&ehind him$ 9arlisle came aro'nd the corner with sme &y
his side. !9hief *wan! What a "leasant s'r"rise!# 9arlisle
said warmly and shook my dad’s hand.
!It won’t &e "easant in a min'te.# (lice whis"ered to me$
and :as"er snickered$ an eager look on his face.
!May I ask what &rings yo' here?# sme asked "olitely.
!.o'r son has &een arrested for destroying a B'ild8(8Bear
store.# 9harlie informed them. (t once$ 9arlisle’s face
&ecame stony as sme hastily &it &ack a la'gh.
!I see my da'ghter is in handc'ffs$# -e said thro'gh
clenched teeth. !What did she do?#
9harlie was a""arently eager to say this so he 2'ickly &'rst
sme s'ddenly started la'ghing at 9harlie’s o't&'rst$ and
he stared at her$ as if she was mentally insane. !Mrs.
9'llen$ yo'r da'ghter was trying to sell herself$ and yo' are
la'ghing a&o't it?#
!I’m sorry$# *he a"ologi+ed 2'ickly. !It was )'st the way
yo' had said it that was am'sing.#
9harlie nodded slowly$ and glanced at 7ose$ who was
standing there with her arms folded look %ery im"atient.
!Mr. and Mrs. 9'llen$ I recommend that yo'r children
attend a se58addicts meeting with a highly recommended
,r. Moorhead. <nless she wishes to go to )ail$ 7osalie is
re2'ired to attend$ as is Bella.#
!Of co'rse 9hief *wan$# 9arlisle told him. !*he will &e
9harlie nodded$ and with a last wa%e and a stern glance at
me$ he left the "ro"erty.
/he moment he was o't of earshot$ 7osalie &egan sho'ting$
her eyes &right. !Why on arth do I ha%e to go to that
wretched meeting? /his will &e the end of my social life!
.o' can’t &e serio's!#
!I am.# 9arlisle said firmly. !.o' are re2'ired to go to this
meeting. (t least Bella and the others will &e with yo'.#
/he "rotests &egan again0 this time from e%eryone else.
!Bring it on! Mr. Moorhead and I ha%e an 'nfinished
session!# Of co'rse mmett took the o""ort'nity. :as"er
co'ld really care less$ &'t (lice was more adamant. !/his
c'ts into my sho""ing time! It’s a whole L ho'rs that I will
ne%er get &ack!#
1inally dward s"oke. !.o' want a %irgin to attend a se58
addicts meeting? /his is atrocio's.# !.o' can "ick '" ti"s$
ddie!# mmett told him$ com"letely ignoring the glares
he was recei%ing. !.o' know yo' want to get some ti"s$ so
don’t try to deny it.#
!I am not trying to get ti"s!#dward "rotested angrily.
!,enial is not a )'st a ri%er in gy"t$ ddie!# (lice sang$
"rancing aro'nd like a &allerina.
(fter m'ch "rotesting$ 9arlisle forced 's to go to this se58
addicts meeting$ dri%en &y him of co'rse. mmett was
whistling in contentment from his "lace in the &ack seat.
7osalie and (lice were &oth angry that it wo'ld c't into
sho""ing time at the mall$ &'t 9arlisle no longer tr'sted 's
to go to the mall alone. I wonder why3.
:as"er co'ld care less where we went$ and I was a little
em&arrassed and angry that 9harlie was making me go. We
told him it was )'st a )oke$ for crying o't lo'd! Perha"s he
was )'st &eing ca'tio's.
!.o' know$ 9arlisle$# dward said lo'dly with his arms
folded. !If any of 's need to go to this meeting$ it’s yo' and
sme$ since yo' &oth defiled my car with yo'r actiities.#
mmett snorted$ and 9arlisle sighed. !It’s )'st a "reca'tion$
dward. I’m also trying to teach mmett a lesson here.#
!*o we all ha%e to s'ffer?# dward said so'rly$ &'t no one
said anything$ altho'gh I had a feeling that they agreed
with him. !I’m s're this will &e a little interesting.# I said
gently$ trying to sooth him. !Perha"s$ lo%e$# dward
agreed. !B't mmett will &e there. -e will make it his
"ersonally mission to em&arrass the hell o't of all of 's.#
I glanced at mmett$ who act'ally sal'ted me with a
de%ilish grin on his face. /he rest of the ride to the
comm'nity &'ilding was silent. When 9arlisle "'lled '"$
he t'rned aro'nd in his seat to stare at all of 's. !.o' all
had &etter stay for the entire meeting. I don’t want to hear
anything &ad from ,r. Moorhead$ &eca'se he has my
n'm&er in case of an emergency.#
!.es sir.# 1i%e %oices chor'sed. I was almost afraid to ste"
inside now. What if there was someone I knew in there? I
t'rned to dward as we got o't of the car. !I ho"e 6a'ren is
-e ch'ckled. !*he is. -er mom made her come after the
gonorrhea incident and "regnancy scare.#
mmett$ :as"er$ and (lice &egan la'ghing$ &'t 7osalie
groaned. !*hit! *he’ll ne%er let me li%e this down!# !Not at
all.# :as"er told his !twin#. *he shot a glare at him. !*h't
9arlisle dro%e off witho't a word$ so we ascended the ste"s
into the old gray &'ilding. (s we entered$ all that was in the
entry was a large wooden desk with a rather large red8
haired woman &ehind it$ f'm&ling with a r'&i5 c'&e.
We stood in front of the desk for se%eral moments &efore
she reali+ed we were there. !9an I hel" yo'?# *he asked$
dro""ing the c'&e and "lacing her hands on the com"'ter
key&oard trying to make it seem as if she was working the
!We are here to see ,r. Moorhead.# mmett e5claimed
/he woman "ointed down the hallway to the left$ and we
troo"ed down towards the only door there$ with a small
"la2'e that read> ,7. E7(VN MOO7-(,.
*P9I(6ININ; IN /- /7(/MN/ O1 *=<(6
I only managed to take a dee" &reath &efore mmett fl'ng
the door o"en with a &ang. !We’re here!# -e yelled.
(t that moment$ I had to hastily &ite &ack a la'gh. sther$
known to 's as the %oice of ;od woman$ was sitting among
the other fi%e "eo"le there. (lso there was o'r friend :aco&
and 6a'ren Mallory$ the latter looking %ery em&arrassed
with her head down and her eyes on the floor. (nother man
and a woman I didn’t know were there as well.
(t the sight of 's$ :aco& let o't a lo'd groan. mmett fl'ng
himself into the o"en chair ne5t to him. !-ey$ :aco&!# he
said lo'dly. !:acaroony$ :aco&8crack8corn8and8I8don’t8
:aco& seemed to sink lower into his chair as the rest of 's
scram&led to get seats. dward immediately "'lled me into
a chair ne5t to him$ with (lice ne5t to me$ and :as"er ne5t
We smirked at 7osalie when she reali+ed that the only
em"ty chair left was ne5t to 6a'ren. *he sat down slowly$
sending death glares to all of 's0 a !slee" with one eye
o"en# kind of look.
!*o$ when is ,r. Moorhead going to &e here?# mmett
asked. !I want to get the &all rolling!# /he 'nknown man
snickered as mmett then ca'ght sight of sther.
!What’s '"$ sther? What &rings yo' to this fine
esta&lishment this e%ening?# !*ome &londe &im&o was on
my corner yesterday$ so I went to another one and got
ca'ght &y the "o8"o.# *he re"lied ha'ghtily.
(lice and I &egan la'ghing as 7ose clenched her teeth.
By this "oint$ a tall man with graying hair and a m'stache
entered the room in a cas'al sweater and )eans. -e "'t a
"air of glasses on as he took a seat and "icked '" a
cli"&oard. !;ood e%ening$ ladies and gentlemen.#
!;ood e%ening$ ,r. Moorhead.# *e%eral %oiced chor'sed$
certain "eo"le lo'der than others. ,r. Moorhead then
looked '". !I see we ha%e se%eral new mem&ers to add to
o'r little family here! ,r. 9'llen informed me of the
circ'mstances$ so fo'r of yo' are not act'ally addicted to
se5$ am I right?#
dward$ (lice$ :as"er$ and I nodded. !I &elie%e fi%e "eo"le
here are not addicted to se5$ ,octor.# 7osalie said lo'dly$
raising a hand. !7osalie -ale$ is it?# ,r. Moorhead asked$
raising his eye&row. !May I ask$ what &rings yo' here
I &egan snickering as 7osalie fro+e. !Ms. -ale?# ,r.
Moorhead "rom"ted. !Prostit'tion.# *he said softly. !What
was that?# ,r. Moorhead asked "olitely. !I’m afraid I didn’t
!P7O*/I/</ION!# 7osalie roared$ and the entire room
went silent. 6a'ren was staring at her$ "ro&a&ly coming '"
with do+ens of way to 'se this newfo'nd information as
&lackmail. !Bella’s father ca'ght me on the street corner
yesterday. It was a harmless "rank$ &'t the chief of "olice
didn’t see it that way.#
!/he only addict from the 9'llen family is mmett here?#
,r. Moorhead asked$ and dward raised his hand. !,octor$
I don’t see a reason for my girlfriend and me to &e here.
*he and I are not addicted to se5.#
!Is that so?# /he doctor asked ske"tically. !*he and I are
&oth %irgins!# dward e5claimed im"atiently.
!.es$ ,octor$ I am addicted to se5!# mmett &oasted
"ro'dly$ interr'"ting dward. !(ll kinds of se5$ oral$
I groaned$ and dward had a disg'sted look on his face$ no
do'&t form the %'lgar and re"'lsi%e things mmett was
thinking of in his head that he wasn’t allowed to say.
!,octor Moorhead$ this is the "ro&lem with my h's&and!#
7osalie said. !-e’s like a la%a lam"0 f'n to look at$ &'t
really not &right.#
I started la'ghing as ,r. Moorhead looked a&ashed. !*o
mmett$ yo' ha%e the most e5"erience in yo'r family?#
:as"er started snickering as mmett nodded "ro'dly. !,r.
Moorhead$ I &elie%e %irginity is a disease. It can &e c'red.#
-e recei%ed a high fi%e from the 'nknown man$ while the
woman )'st looked disg'sted. !I also ha%e noticed lately
that my wife is a se5 o&)ect. When I ask for se5$ she
dward &egan la'ghing as 7osalie s'ddenly had a sm'g
grin on her face. /hen ,r. Moorhead asked$ !When was the
last time yo' had se5?# !/wo days ago. It was so great$ the
neigh&ors had a cigarette!# mmett said$ des"ite the groans
and la'ghs that co'ld &e heard. !mmett!#7osalie hissed.
!B'ite frankly$ I don’t 'nderstand while my &rother here is
still a %irgin$# mmett contin'ed as dward got this dark
look on his face. !-e s"ends half his time s'cking face with
Bella here0 he sho'ld ha%e at least made it to ?nd &ase!#
My face was a&normally red$ &'t mmett ignored me. !/he
9hicago 9'&s score more often than they do$ and that’s
!mmett here has act'ally stolen my &rother :as"er’s ci%il
war cost'me so he co'ld role9play.# dward "roceeded to
throw in his two cents and :as"er threw mmett a %ery
dangero's look that )'st screamed die$ "mmett$ die!
!My wife liked it!# mmett "rotested. !Besides :as"er$
who was it that decided to "lay (lice in Wonderland in the
&ack of 9arlisle’s car?#
(lice co%ered her face with her hands as I stared at her
!1rom what I can remem&er$ 9arlisle doesn’t know that his
c'rrent Mercedes isn’t the original one that he had &o'ght$
since a certain someone had to re"lace the old one.# :as"er
If 7osalie co'ld &l'sh$ she wo'ld ha%e &y now.
!(nyway$ &ack to dward here.# ,r. Moorhead
"roclaimed$ "'tting dward on the hot seat. !*o yo' ha%e
ne%er had se5 yet?#
dward nodded. ,r. Moorhead was no longer "aying
attention to the other "eo"le in the room. (""arently we
were the most interesting "atients he’s had in a long time. I
act'ally saw 6a'ren get '" and sneak o't of the room.
*he didn’t go 'nnoticed &y 7osalie either0 her eyes were
following her o't of the room.
!(re yo' se5'ally fr'strated$ Mr. 9'llen?# ,r. Moorhead
asked. *'ddenly$ a %oice s"oke$ !.es!# It wasn’t dward
who had s"oken0 his mo'th didn’t e%en mo%e. I co'ld tell it
/he doctor didn’t notice that fact. !*o is Bella as se5'ally
fr'strated as yo' are?# !I do'&t it.# dward admitted$ and
my mo'th fell o"en.
!Ooh$ someone’s getting horny!# mmett s2'ealed in a
lo'd %oice when he saw my face. I glared at him$ and then
:as"er s"oke$ no do'&t to "oke f'n at dward.
!,r. Moorhead$ mmett referred to dward as this
yesterday$ &'t I feel the need to say it again0 dward is a
se58de"ri%ed horndog who also ha""ens to &e se5'ally
fr'strated. I ha%e seen him kissing Bella. %ery time she
"'lls away$ it is like a flood of disa""ointment and
!-ow do yo' know this?# ,r. Moorhead asked$ his
eye&rows raised once again. !Beca'se I can "retty m'ch
feel their emotions$ yo' know? It rolls off of them in
!.eah$ Bella &elie%es that dward doesn’t want to slee"
with her$ while in reality$ he wants her. 7eally &adly$ I
might add.# (lice told the doctor.
!9an yo' read emotions too?# ,r. Moorhead asked
sarcastically. !I can "ractically see into the f't're! /heir
%irgin years will &e coming to an end!# *he s"oke as if we
were dying of old age.
!dward is so fr'strated0 he’ll get like twenty &low'" dolls
)'st to relie%e the tension!# mmett yelled.
/hat did it.
!I will ne%er do s'ch a thing!# dward roared. !If I want to
relie%e se5'al tension$ my fiancQ will &e more than ha""y
to satisfy me as I will &e for her!#
Oh my ;od. ,id dward )'st say what I tho'ght he said?
-e sat &ack in his chair f'ming. /hen he threw his arm
o%er his head in em&arrassment. !,rama 2'een.# :as"er
!9an we "lease ret'rn to the disc'ssion at hand?# ,r.
Moorhead asked im"atiently. !I &elie%e that it was a&o't
!What do yo' want to know?# mmett asked as he leaned
&ack in his chair0 it creaked 'nder the "ress're.
!-ow &ad is this addiction? ,o yo' 'se different o&)ects or
s'&stances to satisfy yo' and yo'r "artner?# ,r. Moorhead
asked$ and dward groaned. /his wo'ld definitely &e
!.es I do. Vario's toys$ chocolate syr'"$ marshmallows$
whi""ed cream0 all that )a++.# mmett said "ro'dly.
!I swear to ;od$ I saw handc'ffs and a 1rench maid
cost'me in his room once.# I informed the doctor. /hen he
asked mmett another 2'estion.
!-a%e yo' e%er tried hitting on other girls &efore yo'
married yo'r wife?#
dward clenched his fist and I &l'shed. !I told Bella a
"ick'" line$ and dward "'nched me. It was )'st a )oke
with :as"er$ &'t they didn’t know that.#
!What was this "ick'" line?# Moorhead asked. I &l'shed
again0 I wished the gro'nd wo'ld swallow me '". !I told
Bella that the word of the day was legs and I in%ited her '"
to my room to s"read the word.#
(lice and 7osalie started screaming with la'ghter.
!mmett is so o&sessed with se5 that he dressed in drag
and hit on men at Wal8Mart!# I yelled.
,r. Moorhead &egan scri&&ling f'rio'sly on his cli"&oard.
!6et me reenact it for yo'!# I e5claimed and stood '". I had
had it with mmett$ so I was going to r'& it in his face.
I &egan walking aro'nd the room and striding thro'gh the
middle of the circle of chairs. When I started talking$ I
act'ally 'sed a dee" %oice. !If I told yo' yo'r &ody was
&ea'tif'l$ wo'ld yo' hold it against me?#
/he rest of the 9'llens$ min's mmett$ were in hysterics.
!’9an I ha%e yo'r "hone n'm&er? I seem to ha%e lost
,r. Moorhead was staring at 's like we were l'natics$ &'t I
contin'ed.# AIf yo' were a new ham&'rger at Mc,onald’s$
yo' wo'ld &e Mc;orgeo's.’ (nd finally$ A/hat’s a nice
shirt. 9an I talk yo' o't of it?’#
I f'med silently in my seat as dward had a "ro'd look on
,r. Moorhead looked at 's with a &em'sed e5"ression on
his face for se%eral moments &efore a timer went off.
!/hat’s the end of the session!# -e said all too eagerly. !I
&id yo' all good night$ and I ho"e to see yo' again soon.
,'ring all of his little s"eech$ he was 'shering 's o't the
door. I didn’t e%en "ay attention to the fact that we all had
stood '" and went for the door.
(s we descended the ste"s$ we a""roached the )ee" where
9arlisle was waiting with a smile on his face. !-ow did it
go?# -e asked &rightly.
It was a moment &efore mmett s"oke. !I think it went
(t once$ there was a s'dden storm of sho'ting0 so m'ch I
co'ldn’t tell who it was from.
!/he hell it was!#
!Went well my ass!#
!I need li"stick.#
!Alice in Wonderland1=
I noticed that nearly e%erything that was said was foc'sed
at mmett. !Pretty m'ch e%erything that was said in that
meeting was )okes a&o't the rest of 's!# I com"lained to
9arlisle. !mmett was an ass the entire time we were in
!Is this tr'e$ mmett?# 9arlisle asked in a deadly %oice.
!Beca'se if it is3#
!It was.# mmett confessed in a small %oice. -e then
"roceeded to tell 9arlisle the entire story0 e%erything that
ha""ened and e%erything that he had said a&o't all of 's.
By the time we ret'rned to the ho'se$ 9arlisle was nearly
shaking in f'ry. /he meeting did nothing$ and he was angry
at :as"er and (lice for r'ining his old Mercedes and that
the one he c'rrently had was a re"lacement.
-e stom"ed '" the ste"s and a few moments later I heard
his office door slam and 9arlisle faintly yell$ !If I was a
h'man I wo'ld &e dr'nk right now!#
:as"er snorted and dward ch'ckled. I was s'r"rised that
mmett e%en felt g'ilty at all. !I’m sorry for em&arrassing
yo' g'ys and getting yo' all "issed off.# -e said slowly.
!I wasn’t "issed off at all.# 7osalie lied. I rather tho'ght
she was trying to im"ress 's$ &'t we didn’t fall for it. !.o'
liar!# (lice scoffed. !.o' were angry$ 7ose. I sho'ld
know.# :as"er agreed.
!Please! Nothing can make me angry.# 7osalie &oasted.
!.o' know what?# dward asked. !I smell a &et coming
on.# !I co'ldn’t agree more.# mmett said eagerly.
!What’s the challenge then?# 7osalie asked s's"icio'sly.
!(ll yo' ha%e to do is go a f'll day witho't getting ticked
off at any of 's.# I said$ and 7ose smiled. !Bring it on.#
6ess than an ho'r had "assed and we were all &ack to o'r
normal ro'tines0 e5ce"t for me of co'rse. /he only "ro&lem
was that we co'ldn’t come '" with a single thing to do that
wo'ld annoy 7osalie.
We tried hiding her clothes$ )oyriding in her car$ &'t she
always either ca'ght 's or )'st la'ghed off o'r fee&le
!We’%e tried e%erything!# (lice moaned as 7ose listened
from the li%ing room. !%erything!#
7osalie snickered$ and I s'ddenly had an idea.
!I’ll &e right &ack!# I said eagerly and strode toward the
li%ing room. 9'rio's$ I co'ld tell that dward and the other
were &ehind me.
!-ello 7ose!# I said cheerf'lly as I "lo""ed down &eside
her on the co'ch. !I ha%e to ask yo' a 2'estion.#
!Pray tell$ whate%er co'ld it &e?# *he smirked with fake
enth'siasm. I smiled and asked$ !Why do &londes dri%e
7osalie stared at me and shr'gged. !Beca'se they can s"ell
it!# I nearly yelled and ran for the kitchen.
When I t'rned aro'nd$ I co'ld see that 7osalie’s teeth were
clenched. !Is that the &est yo' can do?#
I ignored her as I ret'rned to dward. !-ow was that?#
!,id yo' see how angry she was after that? (ll we ha%e to
do is kee" throwing &londe )okes at her 'ntil she cracks!#
dward said delighted.
!/hat won’t &e long then.# :as"er la'ghed as (lice "ranced
toward 7osalie. !What do yo' call a &londe holding a
&alloon?# I heard her ask.
7osalie was determined to ignore her$ so (lice s2'ealed$
!*iamese twins!# *he darted away$ cackling and I co'ld
swear I heard a growl come from the front room.
We waited a few min'tes &efore :as"er went in and asked$
!What do yo' call a "im"le on a &londe’s &'tt?#
Once again there was silence &efore :as"er answered his
own 2'estion. !( &rain t'mor!#
!<gh!# 7osalie groaned. !9an I watch /.V. in "eace?#
!If yo' can answer this 2'estion for me.# dward said
&rightly. !-ow do yo' meas're a &londe’s IB?#
!I don’t know.# 7osalie hissed. !With a tire ga'ge.#
dward said and took off r'nning.
By this "oint$ 7osalie was clenching the remote so hard it
cracked in half$ and mmett let o't a tiny groan. -owe%er$
it was his t'rn for the &londe )oke.
-e strode into the room$ confident that he wo'ld "iss off
7osalie. !Why did the &londe ha%e s2'are &reasts?# -e
asked eagerly$ his face close to 7osalie’s ear. !*he forgot to
take the Eleene5 o't of the &o5.#
7osalie’s eyes started twitching$ so I knew she was close to
e5"loding. /he mmett leaned in really close to her ear and
*he )'m"ed off the co'ch and started chasing him aro'nd
the ho'se$ all while he was singing$ !7ose$ 7ose$ &ee Bose$
Banana 1ana Me Mose$ Me Mi Mo Mose$ 7O*!#
I t'rned to dward. !Only mmett co'ld ha%e "'lled that
-e smiled &ack at me. !*o tr'e.#
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