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Total Jokes Compendium

Total Jokes Compendium

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Published by Munchkin40k

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Published by: Munchkin40k on Dec 16, 2011
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On wall in ladies room: 'My husband follows me everywhere' Written just below it: 'I do not' She said...

What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said...It's not my fault...I ran out of money. Strange but true... *In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.) *Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??) *There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) *In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!) *Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!) * In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.) * In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?) * In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises" (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!) Barbie's letter to Santa Dear Santa, Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back time!! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nation-wide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt? 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!! 3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for christ's sakes, make us anatomically correct. 4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct. 5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!! 6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery. 7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!! 8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum. 9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl. 10. mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it! Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple. Yours truly, Barbie Ken's letter to Santa Dear Santa, I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires. First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has EVERYTHING!! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to

mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered:"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:"S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations-we've talked about this issue before. In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and others. PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe-he's mine, at least that is what he said last night. Sincerely, Ken 15 Facts (You Wish) You Didn't Know! 1.Every year, parks in London alone are doused in one million gallons of dog urine. 2.The germs present in human faeces can pass through up to ten layers of toilet paper. 3.The best (?) recorded distance for projectile vomiting is 27 feet. 4.Contrary to popular belief, if you swallow chewing gum it does not stay in the gut. Usually it will pass through the system and is excreted without incident. However, several cases have been reported where the gum has stuck in the rectum, causing the unfortunate sufferer to excrete long sticky trails of gum, like a pink spider's web. 5.Several well-documented instances have been reported of extremely obese people flushing aircraft toilets whilst still sitting on them. The vacuum action of these toilets sucked the rectum inside out. (well at least they lost weight. C9) 6.It is physically possible to cough your guts up. 7.If your body's natural defences failed, the bacteria in your gut would consume you within 48 hours, literally eating you from the inside out. 8.What is one of the most difficult items for sewage works to handle? It is insoluble, yet fine enough to pass through most filtration systems Every month Thames Water removes over a ton of this substance from its water treatment plants, whereupon it is taken away to a land fill site and buried. You guessed it yet? - pubic hair. 9.Parasites count for 0.01% of your body weight.

. who pushed a red-hot poker 0. which revealed that a spider which had become trapped in her ear. expensive present and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour. My husband wants to experience 3-in-a-bed-sex with my sister and me. buy him a nice.A woman who had recently visited South America. accompanied by headaches. so he goes for the next best thing. Sperm is not only great tasting.A man in Australia was concerned about a growing lump on his nose after examining it in the mirror and saw a red back spider crawl out Doctors found an entire red back nest inside his nose. Far from being pleasurable. 12. at first put down to tinnitus. Just look back at how . Best thing to do is to thank him.. Interestingly.. a night out with the boys is a stressful affair.The longest recorded tapeworm found in the human body was 33 metres in length. If blokes were agony uncles: Q.? A. where she had been on safari in local rainforest. This shows he loves you.? A. This is perfectly normal behaviour and it should be encouraged. The rustling sounds were from the spider crawling around inside her skull. this will bring all the family together. He cannot get enough of you.. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. it turned out that her TV remote control was stuck in between rolls of fat and had eventually become an abscess. An egg sac was also removed. dizziness and constant rustling sounds.Another woman in Queensland who had lost a lot of weight went to the doctor with a big. a man knows this. It became so serious that exploratory surgery was required. then let him go with your relatives. eventually it had eaten through her eardrum and was living within the aural cavity. Far from being an issue. My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him. your sister. Your husband is clearly devoted to you. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. expensive present and cook him a nice meal. but it only has 10 calories per spoonful.. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive. 14. horn-like object protruding from her abdomen. Do it. hard. Q. Closer examination determined that it was years of compacted belly-button fluff. began to experience severe pains in her left ear.10. 11. My husband has too many nights out with the boys.Henry II was murdered by his homosexual lover.An obese woman was admitted to a Queensland hospital with stomach pains. buy him a nice.? A. 13. Q.5 metres up his rectum. 15.. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. and to get back to you is a relief for your partner.

Q.. Abandon all wishes in this area and make it up to him and buy him a nice. expensive present and cook him a nice meal. expensive present and cook him a nice meal. show your love and buy him a nice. buy your man a nice. When it comes to love and sex. or perhaps even going out to buy him a nice. but anything over two minutes is good. such as going out with his friends to a bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies.. since they're not confused emotionally as women. Q. Q. How do I know if I'm ready for sex? A. My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is. He'll come back when he's ready.? A. To help with the family budget. Q. He'll know when the time is right. cleaning his apartment. It's a proven fact. and to sell it at flea markets. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should.. men are much more responsible. 'Afterplay' is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the . expensive present.emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. If you must mess with it. Ask your man.? A. My husband has never given me an orgasm. he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly and go out with his friends to play golf. Yes. After a man has finished making love.. Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. The female orgasm is a myth.? A. do it in your own time. Should I have sex on the first date? A. It is fostered by militant. Q. Q. you may wish to videotape yourself while doing this. There is no average time. After your man has finished making love. My husband is uninterested in 'foreplay'. How long should the sex act last? A. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice. Or perhaps another activity. He has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Don't feel left out. What is 'afterplay'? A. To ease your selfish guilt. Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. Q. man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him. he needs to replenish his manly energy. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. expensive present and cook him a nice meal.. while he's gone you can keep yourself busy by doing his laundry. expensive present and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour..

expensive present. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in" 5. Five days in advance. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day. At lunchtime. Rock Hard Kim. "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!" 18. cleaning his apartment and buying him a nice.lovemaking. 11. In the memo field of all your checks. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. bringing him a few beers. they're loose!!" 19. 7. Yes. 12. As often as possible. expensive present and cooking him a nice meal. When the money comes out the ATM. Every time someone asks you to do something. The average erect penis measures about 3 inches." 8. tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. Don't disguise your voice. 3. Dont use any punctuation marks 9. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over. start running towards the parking lot. Q. ask if they want fries with that. Ask people what sex they are. such as. Laugh hysterically after they answer. making him a sandwich or pizza. 17.. skip rather than walk. Page yourself over the intercom. Sing along at the opera. sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him. Tell your children over dinner. See if they slow down. 15. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions. 10." . How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity 1.. This includes lighting his cigarette. "Due to the economy. Does the size of his penis matter? A. Although many women believe that quality not quantity is important.laundry. 16. scream "I won!". 2. 13. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name. 14. or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him nice. write “for sexual favours". 4. switch to espresso. yelling "run for your lives. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy. When leaving the zoo. studies show that this is simply not true. 6. we are going to have to let one of you go.

Frank Bruno.Alan Minter. French ambassador on nuclear weapons "Traditionally.Anonymous Manufacturer "You guys line up alphabetically by height.Bill Peterson. Ripe.George Gobel "I do not like this word "bomb." ." . I want you just thinking of one word all season." ." . "Sit by the homely girl. One word and one word only: Super Bowl." .Bill Peterson.David Dinkins." ." . most of Australia's imports come from overseas. you'll look better by comparison. remove baby.Britney Spears. New York City Mayor." It is not a bomb. rain in the afternoon. like Canada.Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing ." . What I did was fail to comply with the law. Pop Singer "I haven't committed a crime. Boxer "How to store your baby walker: First. football coach "I get to go to lots of overseas places.but none of them serious." . whether it takes 10 or 15 or 20 rounds.Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery . Florida State football coach "Men.Jacques le Blanc. Miss America 1983 "Weather forecast: precipitation in the morning." . It is a device that is exploding." ." . answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.Debra Maffett. 39 Cents A Pound." . Boxer "If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.Detroit Daily News "Boxing’s all about getting the job done as quickly as possible. Boneless Bananas.RANDOM QUOTES "Golden.

OUT FOR DINNER ALSO A repair shop:WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to.THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) "I love deadlines." Sign on backseat of Taxi 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.." . President "Permitted vehicles not allowed. A broken hand works. 43% of all statistics are worthless. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR . I like the whooshing sound as they fly by.. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.Road sign on US 27 "A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.Linda Evangelista. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out." . The sooner you fall behind. Don't step in #2 either Dain bramaged Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE." ." "The believer is happy. Supermodel "Solutions are not the answer." Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.prepare for accident." . If it's stupid but works. Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay Look out for #1. the brain is gone.you still have made a choice". Learn from the mistakes of others.Richard Nixon. the more time you'll have to catch up. but not a broken heart. Every morning is the dawn of a new error Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS I can see clearly now. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. "You never test the depth of a river with both feet. so why practice? "If you choose not to decide . former U. You can lead a fool to wisdom but you can't make him think. but nobody's perfect. The doubter is wise. it isn't stupid."I don't diet.Samuel Goldwyn "SAFETY FIRST: Please put on your seat belt .Douglas Adams. .S. Practice makes perfect." .

" . they're grand." . the glass is half full.Kin Hubbard. -.. To the plumber. and so will a lot of middle-aged men." --unknown Computers are useless. To the engineer. with Tarot cards.Pablo Picasso Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window --Steve Wozniak To the optimist. but I feel good about it. Silly Quotes "Boys will be boys. the glass is half empty. the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. I got a full house and 4 people died. I can't get off the john. (With thanks to John Pettitt and Ed O'Connell) What if this weren't a hypothetical question? Famous last words Gee.Benny Hill. They can only give you answers. "Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright."I'm gonna live forever. "Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. any liquid in the glass is potential income. It's fireproof. I hate that.Carl Gustav Jung." --Steven Wright . or die trying. "I had gone searching for the truth. that's a cute tattoo." . .Joseph Heller (Catch 22)." ." --Anonymous "I was playing poker the other night. "This morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. To the pessimist. and found facts instead..

. we'll cover more ground. they're blanks. Leave me message. they wouldn't leave it lying around like this where anyone could push it! They can't hit us at this range! There's only one way to find out.." Hellooo..please hold. "Suicide Hotline. "Luke.. I'll take a few more to be sure they work. Of course it's safe! Safety harness? Hey. This doesn't taste right. it can't get any worse! C'mon! This CAN'T be the self-destruct button... Let's split up. it's at home and I'm not." -. I'll prove it! Nah. Speaking of lost. I know what I'm doing. leave a message and it'll give it to me when I return. ..What does this button do? Pull the pin and count to what? Which wire was I supposed to cut? Let it down slowly. If it was.Jeffrey Dahmer "How's he gonna read that magazine rolled up like that?" -. Stupid safety labels. Bill Shatner is your real father.. I'm sure it's dead by now. Watch.Hellloooo. Me reply. I can do that with my eyes closed look ma! no hands! Hey that's not a violin... Me go bye. he's miles away I'll be right back. These pills are awfully small. I lied. I dunno. Answer phone messages Me no here. where are we? What? Everyone knows the Titanic is unsinkable. Oops.Darth Vader "I eat guys like you for breakfast!" -. He can't hear us. what's this switch? Well. press the button and find out.insect Don't worry. well if you won't talk to me maybe you'll talk to this machine. Trust me.

what can I say? . don't worry. (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again. I'm probably home. well. you've dialed the wrong number. Thou must leave a message. Leave a message at the beep. Hi. it's you. his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no. if you were trying to call John. Otherwise. so if you were trying to call me. Leave me a message. unnamed peril. his valiant effort is in vain. However. Now I lay me down to sleep. I'm home right now.only that I won't. I already sent the money. Hi. If I should die before I wake.Alpha Centauri Space Station. and after I've doctored the tape. Please leave a message. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -. you didn't lend me enough money. I don't live here. If you are my financial aid institution. He's either saving the universe from some dread. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. I have plenty of money. please send money. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. this is Susan. remember to erase the tape. Hi. you owe me money. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. If you are a female. On the other hand. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper. This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. You have reached an imaginary number. This is John: If you are the phone company. and if I don't call back. If you are my friends. Jim. Please leave your name and number. your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI. or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call. The bell hath sounded. with Dale in the middle of it. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. I'm just screening my calls. If you are my parents. Hello. or Eric. We're sorry. reading a magazine. you have the right to remain silent. please leave your name and number at the tone.

but we are not sure it will be recorded. This is you-know who. but if you leave your name and number. it means the machine did not work. Leave your you-knowwhat and we'll get back you-know-when. I am capable of receiving messages. If we don't return your call. Leave a message. I call you soon. windows. Hi. If you are a burglar. I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person. Hi. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. I'm not home right now but my answering machine is. and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. (From Japanese friend): He-lo! This is Sa-to. You have reached 555-2435. Greetings. you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. so you can talk to it instead. If you leave message. Please speak very slowly. Otherwise. This is his refrigerator. I'm only here in spirit at the moment. I am not in right now. One of those reasons is why we're not here. You can try to leave a message on it. then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. We are you-know-where. and then wait by your phone until I call you back. So leave a message. and their carpets are . If you leave "sexy" message I call sooner! Hello. this is Death. Hi. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. I'll be right with you. but if you'll leave your name and number. My owners do not need siding. so at the sound of the tone.Hello. you are talking to a machine. please hang up. checking to see if anyone is home. A is for academics. B is for beer. or a hot tub. Hi. Now you say something. We know who you are and what you want. Hi! Jan's answering machine is broken. we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. Don't talk to me about life. I have 50. After the tone. God how I hate that beep. Just leave your name and number after the beep. If you wish to speak to Tim. and I'll think about returning your call. push 1 on your touch tone phone now. Hi. If you have a wrong number. this is John's answering machine again. then leave your name and message. Their appliances have switched jobs again. push 3 on your touch tone phone now. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. and you can be sure it's in the bag. It can't take messages either. Here comes the beep. Life. This is Ron's answering machine. I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order.clean. In fact. press star. If you want to leave your name and number. This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought recording device. press 6. so just leave a message. If you're still with me. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything. then press 6 and dial your number. Life sucks. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. ask for extension 4443. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. please press star twice. So leave a message after you hear the beep. then dial your name. push 2 on your touch tone phone now. spin in . and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked. If you want to leave your name and just a message. Marvin. I'm not programmed to answer the phone. it's so cheery sounding. but it is a good way to work off anger. please wait for the tone. leave your name and number and they will get back to you. and I'm SO depressed. If you wish to speak to Lynn. This is his domestic droid speaking. press 3. Thank you for calling 434-2322. and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible . this is 904-4344. Lindsey's not home now. (Very fast:) Hi. your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner.000 times the memory capacity of my owner. If you want to leave a message. but all I get to do is answer the phone. please press pound. think about your name. Hi. it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message. Hello. If you want to leave your number and the time you called.

gambling debt. Chris and Susan aren't here right now.. so is my answering machine.. (Pause. Sonya likes doing it up and down. Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia. I'm. This is Nonoxynol-9.... uhhhh.. (After a power outage:) Hi. please press 2 and hang up now. So. Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences.. erm. you've reached Jim and Sonya. So leave a .. press 1 twice. uhhh.. or requesting charitable donations.. Ronald Reagan voice:) Uhh. If you are calling to collect a student loan. you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions.) I mean. Hello. Er. The bad news for you is. and a message. Otherwise. and I like doing it left to right. and short description of secrets you wish to sell . First Citizen of the Order of Lenin. the uhhhhhh. (Pause. please press 1 and hang up now. umm oh. President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. (US National Anthem. General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics. the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev.a circle. Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. You're growing tired. this is Ralph. leave a message. Your eyelids are getting heavy. no diplomats are able to answer phone. telephone number.. I'm here to answer the telephone on behalf of. ermmm. anyway. But hey. hello. but if you leave a message after the. please leave your message BEFORE the tone. call me Mike .. If you are selling any product or service. Hi. or other obligation. the uhhhh. so at sound of capitalist tone. Pressing 3 is optional..real slowly. talk loud and BEEP. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt. you've reached the home of George Ledec.. The good news is that my power is back on.. BEEP.) Well.. ohhhhhh. No KG.. press 3 and leave your message now.. leave name.. Please leave your name and number after the tone. he can't come to talk to you right now.. number. Hello. Sorry.. We can't pick up the phone right now because we're doing something we really enjoy. When you hear the tone. You feel very sleepy now.

If you're from the Department of the Treasury. well. This is so confusing. and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.Captain. but I'm doing this NOW... I mean. can you hold please? -. but whatever you have to say to him.000 volt power supply that has been wired to this small kitten (pathetic mewing). I can't come to the phone now. I'm at the phone NOW.. please ignore this message.. do you want it on screen?" (silence.. you can tell me. This answering machine has been connected to a 5. but since you weren't ready. except for you I guess it's NOW.. If you don't leave a message. Well. you've reached __'s answering machine.. I mean. "Starship Enterprise. or if you just want to check out my handiwork.beep) I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange. Hi. A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. please leave your name and number. ___ isn't home right now. please leave your name.unicorn. Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. Fluffy here gets it.. recording this message. mother.. Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. If you need any money.message. gosh. You have reached the number which you have dialled. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future. like. so after the tone. when you're listening to it. while you're listening to it LATER. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible. actually. like... Sorry. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself.. there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven. so if. wait. your 15 minutes was last week. Uhura here. number.computer. The choice is yours. I CAN come to the phone now. Thanks. like. we gave it to Vanna White. . I can't come to the phone right now. and how much cash you need after the tone.. We're VERY close and we tell each other everything.

In fact.hate me because your boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful! I've discovered that I often visit the state of confusion. my mind's already made up. night. never used. I always lie. one brilliant flash and it's gone Roses are red. Unless mailed Two wrongs are only the beginning. and I know my way around pretty well. "Suicide Hotline. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 is no longer in service. why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? .? hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY? A day without sunshine is like.. you haven't met everybody.I'm better at it! Don't ask me.. If you think there is good in everybody. I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. Monogamy: same thing. Eat dessert first! Dont hate me because I'm beautiful ." As I said before. I'm a nobody. I'm making this up as I go!.. the new number is 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 Life in a vacuum sucks You'll get what's coming to you . Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand. violets are blue.. Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool. Kung Fu. My mind works like lightning..DOH!.please hold.. you know.. I would like to help you out. Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Don't confuse me with facts. Bigamy: one wife too many. nobody is perfect. therefore I'm perfect.. and kill them. Today is not your day.The number you have dialled. and 47 other dangerous words... Which way did you come in? You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. If blind people wear sunglasses. Join the army! Travel the world. I can please only one person per day.. I never repeat myself. will sell cheap. but plagiarism is faster! Instead of getting married again. until I saw you! How does Avon find so many women willing to take orders? My computer NEVER cras. I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this? I know Karate. Lettuce pray. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. I'm lying to you right now! FOR SALE: 1 set of morals.. Life is Uncertain. I once thought I was ugly. Don't play stupid with me .. Meet interesting people. Creativity is great. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't..

She changes it more often. For sale: Parachute. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. Confusion: A hungry baby in a topless bar. A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. but my karma just ran over your dogma. And on the eighth day God said. "O.. If you look like your passport picture. Out of my mind.AND STEP ON IT ! This car is constipated: hasn't passed a thing all day! Someday your prince will come. My mind not only wanders.". FOLLOW THAT CAR... Mine got lost took a wrong turn and is too . shoot first. Therapy is expensive. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary. is it considered a hostage situation?" --Seinfeld. then I'm easy." "I don't think my parents liked me. what did he THINK he was doing? You have the right to remain silent. built by a robot. small stain.. so please SHUT UP! Don't play stupid with me.. never opened. "It IS as bad as you think. It's not permanent! Sorry. I'm better at it! This car is designed by computer. and cheap! This sentence contradicts itself: no. sometimes it leaves completely. fast. how would we ever know? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? It's not the pace of life that concerns me. but I wouldn't want to live there.K. You take over. I used to think I was indecisive. Death is life's way of telling you . and call whatever you hit the target. actually it doesn't.. Murphy. Only used once. "To be sure of hitting the target. it's the sudden stop at the end. GODZILLIA -. and they ARE out to get you. "If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself. some parts are missing. but now I'm not too sure. you probably need the trip. mostly sweet with a few nuts. driven by a moron. Back in five minutes! Don't take life so seriously. popping bubble wrap is cheap Of course I'm in shape. I'm not a complete idiot.". Families are like fudge .it allows you to blame someone else.".. The trick to flying is throwing yourself at the floor and missing. Who puts those "Thin Ice" signs out there.". If we are what we eat." --Woody Allen "The decision is maybe and that's final!" "Teamwork is essential -. When man discovered milk came from cows.They told me I was gullible. wait. and I believed them.you're fired. Isn't Round a shape? "There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all. Reality is a nice place.

I am reloading!. I don't know. I think a truck hit mine. it needed replacement anyway. everything works. and it doesn't make any difference. and it runs someone over. They keep saying the right person will come along. Random thoughts How do you throw away a garbage can? How come u can kill a deer and put it on your wall but its a illegal to keep them as a pet? Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing? How do you handcuff a one-armed man? Why do the call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering? Why doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up? If you decide that you're indecisive.stubborn to ask for directions. Keep honking. You can't be late until you show up. Never eat more than you can lift. does it stop to help them? Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ? If croutons are stale bread. Death is life's way of telling you you're fired. how comes he always had such a straight parting in his hair? If an ambulance is on its way to save someone. force it. I don't care. but I wouldn't want to live there. Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. which one are you? How come no matter what color the liquid is the froth is always white? Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia? How do they get those boats in those glass bottles? Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on? How fast do hotcakes sell? Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside? If Dracula has no reflection. if it breaks. In theory. why do they come in airtight packages? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop? Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year? Why are SOFTballs hard? . You'll get over it. Nothing is illegal until you get caught. Reality is a nice place. If you are feeling good. don't worry. If it doesn't fit.

then why practice? Are zebras black with white stripes. but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere. you have to touch it to make sure? If Barbie is so popular. and drink what ever comes out"? Why dosent a chicken egg taste like chicken? Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time. you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid? Is a sleeping bag a nap sack? Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows? Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore? If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap. or white with black stripes? If Pringles are "so good that once you pop.Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps? Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons. but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? Why are boxing rings square? What was the best thing before sliced bread? If love is blind. and nobody's perfect. then why do you have to buy her friends? Before they invented drawing boards. . why didn't he just buy dinner? Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter? Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them. "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here. what did they go back to Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts? If you take a shower. how can we believe in love at first sight? What's the opposite of opposite? If Practice makes perfect. but lemon juice is artificial flavoring? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions. when it is really after light? Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve 10. where do you put it? If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter? What color would a smurf turn if you choked it? Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? Why is it called 'after dark'.

men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 6.9. 34. 5. I'm just looking at your nuts. Faye Emerick. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would. I replied. 2. the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. . I'm a smart feller's son And I'll keep felling smarts 'Till the smart feller comes. scratched His head. "It is not good for man to be alone!" When God finished the creation of Adam. He 1. Ellerslie." Adam would never remember where he left his tools. MD I'm not a smart feller. Apparently. the boy grinned. and said. God knew that if the world was to be populated. need Eve to go get one for him. stepped back. 7." My sister started to laugh hysterically. "No. 3. therefore. dentist. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote. As "Keeper of the Garden. or haircut appointment for himself. 4. As we were looking at the display case. 8. "I can do better than THAT!" My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. and I turned beet-red and walked away. As the Bible says.

And I'll keep plucking figs 'Till the fig plucker comes." Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes. and this one will be too if you sit down.I'm not a fog ducker. wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well.that you cannot make someone love you. Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator. the sheet I slit." Man: "But I don't know your name. they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper. You may need to borrow money.that no matter how you try to protect your children." Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman: "Yeah. that's why I don't go there anymore. I'm the receptionist at the Venereal Disease Clinic. Will two people fit under a rock?" Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. I've learned. I'm a fig plucker's son. You go to yours and I'll go to mine. I am not the fig plucker. I slit the sheet. I've learned. I've learned." Man: "I'd like to call you. he'll eventually revert. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." . I've learned-that no matter how good a guy is." Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes. and on the slitted sheet I sit. I'm a fog ducker's son And I'll keep ducking fogs 'Till the fog ducker comes." Man: "So. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.you should always leave loved ones with loving words. I don't know." Woman: "That's in the phone book too.

At age 20 . having sex.......... success is . At age 17 ..... I don't date outside my species. At age 50 . success is . what's your sign?" Woman: "Do Not Enter.. success is .... success is . success is .... success is ... At age 80 ... success is .. there are no services today. success is ... Deathbed Confession .." Man: "Hey.. At age 12 . we're both here at this bar for the same reason. having money.. having friends..." Woman: "Ohhhh. success is . success is ..... I want you to leave.. having sex. At age 35 . having a drivers license. how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?" Woman: "Sorry. having friends." Man: "Hey cutie..." Woman: "Sorry..." Man: "May I see you pretty soon?" Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?" Man: "Your hair color is fabulous. At age 60 ... At age 75 .. having money..." Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account." Man: "I'd go through anything for you." At age 4 . baby.. not peeing in your pants. having a drivers license." Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" Man: "I can tell that you want me.. not peeing in your pants. At age 70 .Man: "What sign were you born under?" Woman: "No Parking..... come on.. It's in aisle three at the corner drug store..." Woman: "Thank you." Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized!" Man: "Hey. You're so right......

. Your brother from Cork came in and named them. Don't talk. "Well. when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. what's the girl's name?" "Denise.' 'No. Next to number two. His wife Susan. "Oh No. but whom you are not currently dating. Susan. whilst the Egg is frowning and looking a tad miffed. Pancake. Shhh. 'Hush.' An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub. I must die in peace. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. your best friend and your mother. 'Everything's all right. Next to number four.' ' I know. 'Susan. write the numbers one through six." The woman thinks to herself. I slept with your sister.' He was insistent. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son. not my brother. that's not a bad name.' he said in his tired voice. "So we obviously decided to call him George." "Wow. Next to three.' 'There's nothing to confess. "My son was born on St George's Day. Asleep for nearly 6 months. 'Rest.' she said.." remarked the Scot. Her praying roused him from his slumber. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day." "That's incredible. Next to number one." "That's a real coincidence. was maintaining a vigil by his side. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.' he whispered. write any number. he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor. tears ran down her face. talking about their sons. The Chicken turns round to the Egg and says "Well I think we've answered that question" PERSONALITY TEST First. write down the first colour you can think of. 'My darling Susan." Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery this afternoon in central >Ireland. ." said the Irishman. get a pen and paper Second. so obviously we decided to call him Andrew. 'I have something I must confess to you. The Chicken has a broad smile on his face and is smoking a cigarette feeling rather chuffed. I like it! What's the boy's name?" "Denephew. The Chicken or the Egg? A chicken and an egg are in bed together and they have just finished having sex." commented the Englishman. write the name of anyone to whom you are really attracted.' replied the weeping Susan. 'That's why I poisoned you." A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. She held his fragile hand. what a coincidence.' she replied. no. write the name of your first pet.Jake was on his deathbed. The doctor replies. "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. go to sleep. my love.

If you don't pass this on to at least 40. The number next to number one show how many times you should be smacked over the head with a baseball bat for thinking that stupid e-mails like this actually mean anything.keep scrolling down...000 people in the next four seconds then you will fall off a high building into a pile of sh*t and then get molested by a mad goat. "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. Here are the answers.." . they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Numbers five and six represent family members who Are embarrassed to be related to you Pass this on to everyone you know..Next to numbers five and six write down the name of two different family members. You are probably the same Brat who forwards e-mails from the Microsoft/Disney e-mail tracking project... If I didn't drink this beer. The person named next to number two is someone who will never sleep with you because you're stupid enough to waste your time on something like this The colour you picked means nothing. so they can feel like a twat too.no cheating.. Remember.. Alcohol quotes Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.. Then I say to myself. It's a f*cking colour for crying out loud Number four is the name of a dead animal.. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. Don't cheat. or you'll be upset.

--Unknown To some it's a six-pack. --Frank Sinatra An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright When we drink. --Ernest Hemingway When I read about the evils of drinking. I had it suspended for speeding. we go to heaven. Officer: The car is stolen? . --Benjamin Franklin Without question. I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention. we fall asleep. let's all get drunk and go to heaven! -. we commit no sin. Oh.--Jack Handy I feel sorry for people who don't drink. Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. to me it's a Support Group --Unknow How to get away with speeding A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. When we get drunk. I gave up reading. --Dave Barry Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862. When they wake up in the morning. Sooooo. the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. that's as good as they're going to feel all day. we get drunk. but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. When we commit no sin. I stole it. --Henny Youngman 24 hours in a day.Brian O'Rourke Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. When we fall asleep.

The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license. Securing the rope at ground level. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot. but there's no gun in it. It was valid.. holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 240 pounds of bricks. I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. Needless to say. Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it. mate. no body.. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly. Here are the registration papers. This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the British equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. Driver: Yeah. Boot is opened. had a gun in the glove box. When I completed my work. The car was quickly surrounded by police and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation. But come to think of it. can I see your license? Driver: Sure. stole the car. Dear Sir: I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. Captain: Whose car is this? Driver: It's mine.. You will note on the accident report that my weight is 135 pounds. Then I went down and untied the rope. Here it is. I went up to the roof. sir. I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 pounds. Captain: Sir. swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. and that there was a dead body in the boot. Sure enough. officer. Driver: No problem. the officer immediately called his back up. I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. there was nothing in the glove box. I am a bricklayer by trade. I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding. I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at . Hearing this. I put 'Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes mate. In the vicinity of the third floor. I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building.Driver: That's right. I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Captain: I don't understand it. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following will be sufficient. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand. as well If you think you had a bad day. On the day of the accident. Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!? Driver: Yes.

not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. If it's up. minor abrasions. unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me. in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. As you might imagine.an equally impressive speed. This accounts for my two fractured ankles. as listed in Section 3. you need it down. as I lay there on the pile of bricks in pain. This explains the fractured skull. Here my luck began to change slightly. 5. Live with it. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair. Saturday = sports. Ever. I continued my rapid ascent. and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 3. I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. put it down. the barrel weighed approximately 50 pounds. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks. and by then your stuck with . We need it up. I refer you again to my weight. however. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope. by this time. the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. however. Learn to work the toilet seat. and the broken collarbone. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down. You're a big girl. I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope. Birthdays. I am sorry to report. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Don't cut your hair. In the vicinity of the third floor.Let it be. Now here are the rules from the male side. At approximately the same time. 2. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. 1. 4. I met the barrel coming up. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Valentines. Slowed only slightly. Fortunately. accident reporting form.

Shopping is NOT a sport. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 15. 16. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. Check your oil! Please. 12. 13. We don't remember dates. 14. out of thirty. we are never going to think of it that way. See a doctor. And no. would look good with your dress? 11. Don't ask us.her. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 9. all comments become null and void after 7 days. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair. Crying is blackmail. That's what we do.tops. Ask for what you want. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. you probably are. 10. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 8 . Remind us frequently beforehand. We refuse . 6. If you think you're fat. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. Most guys own three pairs of shoes . 7. In fact.

19. Not both. We have no idea what mauve is. Let us ogle. like Windows default settings. please say whatever you have to say during commercials. If something we said can be interpreted two ways. 24. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Whenever possible. Christopher Columbus did not need directions. 27. 21. If you already know best how to do it. We know you are lying. And quit whining to your girlfriends. 23. just do it yourself. expect an answer . We are going to look anyway. 18. it's genetic. Peach. Get over it. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing. 22. 25. for example.to answer. 17. ALL men see in only 16 colours. not a colour. is a fruit. it will be scratched. and neither do we." we will act like nothing's wrong. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. and one of the ways makes you sad or angry. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. but it is just not worth the hassle. If it itches. we meant the other one. 26. We do that. 20. We are not mind readers and we never will be.

You have enough clothes. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint. 29. it doesn't matter which quiz. it's like camping. 36. ROUND is a shape. the offside rule. 35. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. 32. You have too many shoes. but did you know we really don't mind that.you don't want to hear. I know. Thank you for reading this. No you really do have too many shoes. 34. Really. or cars 30. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. 28. 31. absolutely anything you wear is fine. I'm in shape. Yes. No. When we have to go somewhere. 33. Books You Will Never Find In a Bookstore 124 Simple Exercises For the Teeth A Complete List Of All the Things That Are Still Pending A Hundred Dead People Nobody Misses A List Of People Who Mean Well A Treasury Of Poorly Understood Ideas Apartment Hunting For Devil Worshipers Backpacking For Shut-ins Caring For the Seated Chances Are Your Sister's Full Of Shit Controlling Fear Without Getting Frightened Cooking For the Paralyzed . I have to sleep on the couch tonight.

Cooking With Heat Don't Throw Away Your Old Skin Eat. Stay Fit. and Die Anyway Famous Bullshit Stories Famous People Who Were Wiry Fill Your Life With Croutons How To Become a Grease Ball How To Do Everything At Once How To Filet a Panda How To Get a Tan With a Flashlight How To Get Back From Boston How To Give a King a Really Hard Time How To Give People Your Best Regards How To Give Yourself a Complete Physical Without Getting Undressed How To Kill a Rat With an Oboe How To Kill Your Nephew How To Lease Out the Space Inside Your Nose How To Organize a Tupperware Gang-Bang How To Seem Intelligent How To Spoil Other People's Fun How To Spot a Creep From a Distance How To Spot Truly Vicious People in Church How To Start a Range War How To Turn Unbearable Pain Into Extra Income How To Wave Good-bye Without Moving Your Arms I Gave Up Hope and Died and It Worked I Suck You Suck Let's Change the Alphabet Marriage For One My Dog Is a Real Fruit Peace Of Mind By Losing Complete Control For Sixteen Hours a Day Poems For the Insane Re-organizing Your Pockets Rid Yourself Of Doubt--Or Should You? Self Mutilation As an Attention Getter Six Cities No One Has Ever Been To Six Ways To Fuck Up Before Breakfast Six-Hundred Ways To Give People the Shaft Sixty-four Good Reasons For Giving Up Hope Sport Fishing With Power Saws Ten Things We Don't Know Yet The Complete List Of Everyone's Personal Affects The Food Coloring Diet The Intravenous Cookbook . Run.

Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.. 4. 5. 19. 10. burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union. you don't care. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 21. 9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. It leads to more honest communications. It makes fellow employees look better. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break. It reduces stress. It makes everyone more open with their ideas. It's an incentive to show up. 12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar. It reduces complaints about low pay. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job. Employees tell management what they think. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 13. 18. 15. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. 1. not what management wants to hear. 7. 3. 6. (depending of course on the boss). It encourages carpooling. Suddenly.. It cuts down on time off because you have the hangover after work instead of before. 20. 14. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. . 2.The Lives Of Six Extremely Short Saints The Meaning Of Corn The Stains In Your Shorts Can Indicate Your Future The Wrong Underwear Can Kill There's Big Money In Staying Put Things No One Can Help Tips On Getting Laid Tremble Your Way To Fitness Trotting Across Zaire Understanding People You'll Never Meet What To Wear On the Toilet Why Hawaii and Norway Are Not Near Each Other Why It Doesn't Snow Anymore Why Jews Point You Give Me Six Weeks and I'll Give You Some Disease Your Shoes Are Worth Money Your Thighs Control Your Life 25 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK. 16. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 17. 8. 11.

Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language. Very interesting. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross. pages 342 to 348. The janitor's closet will finally have a use. >> An intriguing new clinical paper recently published in the British Medical Journal showed that an excess of masturbation makes your eyes go funny. don’t you think? Reference : Gilham. so that the patient has difficulty in focusing.22. B. and reading becomes troublesome.J 45.M. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up. 23. ." 25. 24.

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