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Kaila Sanabria email@example.com
INT. GREENDALE LIBRARY - DAY THE STUDY GROUP sits around the table working. Finals are approaching and the air is tense. PIERCE looks over at ABED, who is scribbling furiously in his notebook. JEFF leans back in his chair, the legs creaking. ANNIE is flipping through note cards, muttering phrases she should remember to herself. He’s had enough. PIERCE Will everybody just SHUT UP? ABED Whoa, that came out of nowhere. JEFF When does anything Pierce does come with a nicely defined period of warning? ANNIE Pierce, some of us can’t help the fact that we’re auditory learners and have to read our note cards out loud! PIERCE Why do you even need to study for economics, Annie, aren’t your people naturally gifted with managing money? The group moans. Jeff rolls his eyes. Pierce! ANNIE
JEFF And Pierce says something inappropriate, surprising no one. PIERCE What? Annie taking Money Management is like Troy taking a class on basketball or Britta taking a class on wearing flannel! Everyone looks at Britta. Yep.
BRITTA Alright, you bigoted, homophobic old geezer, I have had enough of you spouting off your mouth and never having to answer for the horrible things you say about us! The group agrees. Ad lib instance where Pierce said something inappropriate about them. CHANG pops in from outside the library. CHANG He’s not the only one. Duncan keeps referring to me by whatever ridiculous Chinese name he can come up with. Duncan? TROY
JEFF I know he hates you, but racist? I’ve known that guy for years, and don’t get me wrong, he is a despicable human being, but-ABED Don’t worry, this is the part there’s a montage of all the times Chang has misread the situation. CUT TO: MONTAGE DUNCAN watches Weeds on TV during class. about a big bong. He makes a remark
Duncan is in the cafeteria. As Chang walks past him, Duncan agrees to play ping pong with a student. Duncan sits in his office, advising Chang on his schedule. He offers Chang a Ding Dong, who gasps. ABED There it is. BRITTA I don’t care if Chang is an idiot! This is a real issue! You know, for being the Greendale Human Beings, we sure don’t act like it.
3. ANNIE Well, what exactly are you going to do about it, Britta? You can’t just make people more tolerant. PIERCE Or pay off the Dean to get the people you don’t like kicked out of school. Believe me, I’ve tried. EVERYONE SHUT UP, PIERCE. Pierce shrugs. BRITTA No, you know what I’m going to do? I’m forming a Greendale Student Diversity Club. And Annie’s going to help me! ANNIE (with gusto) Yes, I am! SHIRLEY Ooh, that’s nice! Count me in! ABED Troy, I think as racially diverse best friends, we have a duty to join. Troy and Abed Chest-Five. Agreed. Jeff? TROY BRITTA
Jeff continues to fiddle around on his Blackberry. JEFF I’m not joining your stupid club, Britta. Unlike you, I have a life to attend to that doesn’t include making collages for the display cabinets about my feelings. PIERCE Then you can hang out with me, outside of their little hippie commune.
4. Jeff immediately stops texting and looks at Britta. JEFF I’m joining your stupid club. PIERCE Fine! This can go down as just another thing you guys do without me! BRITTA Oh no, Pierce. You;re not getting off that easily. You are going to join this club and come to every meeting until you realize how ridiculous you are. JEFF Oh good, I didn’t want to go to any class, ever, for the rest of my life anyway. ANNIE It will be good for you Pierce. I think this is a great idea, Britta. ABED I’m always willing to join a group of diverse misfits that band together for the greater good. It happens in all the best movies. Just then, the DEAN bursts in. DEAN Dean somebody say Dean? Everyone stares at the Dean. CHANG Um, no. And you can’t use your name as a substitute for other words. JEFF Chang, let the adults handle this. (to Dean) What do you want? DEAN Alright, way to take charge, Jeffery. Well, I was just walking by (muttering) not hovering outside for an opportunity to walk in, and I heard you scheming up the idea for a Student Diversity group!
5. BRITTA Yes, we were. I think it’s important to be aware of, and (to Pierce) CELEBRATE our differences. DEAN Well, isn’t that nice? Well, as you know, all clubs here at Greendale have to have a faculty sponsor, and I think that, as your Dean, it will be important for-wait, is Jeff in the club? JEFF (sarcastic) You know it. DEAN It will be important for me to support this group as your sponsor! Yay! The dean claps and cheers, putting one fist in the air and kicking up his leg. JEFF Wow, this just keeps getting better and better, doesn’t it? BRITTA Thank you, Dean. I would love for you to be our faculty sponsor. JEFF Don’t patronize him, Britta. The Dean walks over and leans on Jeff’s shoulders. DEAN Well, the key to a successful club is organization. So, I’ll let you all get to the poster-making. The Dean walks out of the library. back in. Then he, pokes his head
DEAN (CONT.) Oh, and Britta and Annie, I need your collage about being girls in a guys’ world for the display case. Toodles! Jeff looks from Annie to Britta.
6. BRITTA AND ANNIE
CUT TO: THEME SONG, COMMERCIAL. EXT. THE QUAD - DAY Annie, Britta, and Shirley stand outside in club t-shirts (people of all colors holding hands around a rainbow world with a heart in it) passing out fliers for the Student Diversity Club. Students walk by, taking fliers. ANNIE Join the Greendale Student Diversity Club! Everyone’s welcome! BRITTA Demand equal rights! You are ALL equal! The two girls walking in front of Britta look alarmed and skitter off. SHIRLEY Black and white cookie? White Chocolate Chip? Jeff walks past. BRITTA (in a threatening tone) Jeff... Nope. JEFF
Shirley grabs his arm before he can get past their booth. SHIRLEY Jeff Winger, I know you’re not trying to bail on this very important cause... JEFF Well, I was until you stopped me. ANNIE This is important, Jeff! You’re such a cool guy and if you were there, everyone would want to join.
7. JEFF You’re vague compliments aren’t going to work, Annie. BRITTA Jeff, for once in your life do something unselfish and come to one, just one, meeting. It’s tomorrow in the cafeteria and there are going to be so many people there, you can slip out early. The girls all stand together, giving Jeff puppy dog looks. Jeff finally looks like he’s given in. JEFF How could I resist yo- NO. The Dean walks put into the quad. He is decked out, wearing a woman’s costume, as per usual. Today is filled with fanfare: a slutty short-cut flapper dress made out of rainbow tassels with a plunging neck line. He is also orangey. DEAN Jeffery, I don’t hear you trying to walk out on your friends and their fabulous Diversity Club, do I? Jeff looks the Dean over. JEFF Wow, Dean, you look ravishing. And is that an authentically sin-kissed glow you have about you? DEAN Jeff, you sure can make a girl blush. I may have gotten a spray tan to illustrate that it doesn’t matter what color your skin is, we all look the same on the inside! Jeff lays a hand on the Dean’s shoulder and gives him his most sincere Jeff Winger stare. JEFF I have always supported the rights of orange people everywhere. Dean ad lib flustered comment while Jeff hops onto the nearest bench. He begins yelling as a crowd draws around him.
8. JEFF (CONT.) Students of Greendale, gather round! I am speaking on behalf of the Student Diversity Club. This is a very important cause! Because we’re all different, but one group is way more haggled than the rest of us. Shirley is nodding fervently. JEFF (CONT.) They have been put down, harassed, and mocked openly since they became a part of society, who never appreciates them as human beings. And aren’t we the Greendale Human Beings? So let’s start acting like it-BRITTA Hey, that’s my line! JEFF (CONT.) We don’t discriminate! Black, white, red, yellow, but most especially-Orange! DEAN
Jeff points to the Dean. JEFF Orange. Look at the Dean: he’s wearing a woman’s outfit that he "borrowed" from his "sister". We don’t care about that because it hardly surprises us anymore. What is assaulting us the most is that god-awful carrot color emanating from his skin, right? THE CROWD RIGHT! JEFF WRONG. Because I say, we shouldn’t penalize him based on the inhuman, nuclear glow that he payed way too much money for. That way, we can get back to judging him for being a creep and a horrible school administrator.
DEAN Thank you, Jeffery. JEFF Say it with me: We love orange! We love orange! THE CROWD WE LOVE ORANGE! WE LOVE ORANGE! As the crowd continues to chant, Jeff jumps down from the bench. Britta, Annie, and Shirley watch, horrified. JEFF (to Britta) There, I got you a crowd full of people who care about a completely useless issue. It may not be your useless cause, but it’s damn similar, and as someone who didn’t want to participate anyway, I’m calling it close enough. Jeff walks away towards the door inside. BRITTA (furiously shouting after him) Jeff Winger, this is a new low, even for you! Jeff doesn’t even turn his head to wave. CUT TO: COMMERCIAL. INT. GREENDALE CAFETERIA - THE NEXT DAY The Dean is sashaying around in another costume: a tailcoat made of blue and green sequins that looks like a globe, blue booty shorts, and a conductor’s staff with a little world on the top of it. The students are all gathered around, packed into chairs. All the Greendale high rollers are there: STARBURNS sits comfortably with his flunkies in front, MAGNITUDE pop-pops away. The study group sits in the front row, joined by a reluctant and texting Jeff. The Dean takes the stage with Britta and Annie.
10. DEAN Alright everybody, is this thing, ooh! The mic he has been tapping shrieks with feedback. DEAN (CONT.) Okay, well, welcome to the Greendale Student Diversity club. I am the faculty sponsor, Dean Craig Pelton and these two lovely ladies are the founders of the club, give it up for Ms. Britta Perry and Ms. Annie Edison! Britta and Annie struggle for the mic, with Britta eventually winning. BRITTA Hello Greendale! I first want to say thank you to all of you for coming out to support what I hope will be a club that everyone in Greendale joins. Annie sticks her head in to talk. ANNIE ...and feels comfortable talking to about any issues they feel they have! There is applause. BRITTA So, I think our first order of business is choosing a president. JEFF (muttering loud enough for Britta to hear) I’ll bet you do. While Britta is staring daggers into Jeff, Annie takes the mic. ANNIE So, many of you remember that I was in the running for Student Body President before South Park came in and swept it out from under me. Troy and Abed Chest-five. Annie looks a little frustrated.
11. ANNIE (CONT.) ... but since my associate here doesn’t really like to be vain and take up positions of leadership, I guess I can bear the burden of being president... BRITTA (pushing in to the mic) Oh, No worries, Annie. I came up with the idea for this club, so I might as well just see it through. ANNIE (pushing back) I just don’t see what the point is of having you do all the work, so I’ll just be president. BRITTA Well I think that (to crowd) We’re the Greendale Human Beings, so let’s start acting like that A random student in the crowd yells. RANDOM STUDENT Isn’t that Jeff’s line? The crowd mutters approval. It WAS Jeff’s line! At this point the Dean steps back in. DEAN I don’t mean to Dean-terrupt-The Dean pauses for a laugh, but instead gets a groan. CHANG Chang from my mistakes, man! The study group groans. DEAN I nominate Jeff Winger for Diversity Club President! The crowd cheers in approval. We see jeff texting, the sound is MUFFLED and gradually begins to become MORE DEFINED. Soon we hear a chant of "JEFF! JEFF! JEFF!" and Jeff stops texting. He looks up to the stage in slow motion. Britta is standing there smiling at him.
12. DEAN Alright, come on up here Jeffery! Looks like you;re the new president of Greendale’s Student Diversity Club! The crowd applauds and cheers. pushes Jeff towards the stage. Shirley is smiling and
Jeff stand at the mic, looking at at all the diverse, glowing faces. Yay... CUT TO: COMMERCIAL INT. GREENDALE LIBRARY - DAY The group sits around with Britta and Annie furiously debating over the theme of the first event. BRITTA Jeff agreed to just do whatever we ask him to do in exchange for not having to attend the events. I’m saying that we use this opportunity to make the most amazing even we can so he wants to come, but can’t. JEFF Oh, but Britta, you know that’d break my fragile widdle heart... ANNIE Britta, stop worrying about Jeff, this is about Diversity. ABED Call it a hunch but, I foresee this whole thing culminating in a large event that’s about Jeff anyway. ANNIE A mixer is the best way to go. It’s informal and fun and forces people to mingle. BRITTA I don’t even want to go to a mixer Annie. And my alternative is going home to two one-eyed cats. JEFF
ANNIE Britta, we’re having a mixer and we’re serving a rainbow punch bar! BRITTA That is the most awful thing I’ve ever heard! The group tuns into raucous debate. they hear the PA switch on. Jeff pokes out and soon
JEFF (V.O.) Greetings Greendale, this is your Student Diversity Club president, Jeff Winger, here to tell you that tonight at 6PM, there will be a mixer in the gym featuring a rainbow punch bowl! Annie and Britta look at each other. Annie smiles and crosses her arms. Britta slams down into her chair. JEFF (V.O.) (CONT.) Won’t that just be a bunch of feel-good diverse fun? Hope to see all of you fun-loving, diverse Human Beings there! The group waits in silence as Jeff rounds the corner. BRITTA What the hell was that, Jeff? JEFF That was me taking charge of the club I am the president of. ANNIE Well, I think you made the right choice. A mixer is a classic social gathering format. JEFF Well, you be sure to tell me how it is. I;m going home. BRITTA Oh no you’re not, if you are going to force me to go to a social event that features a rainbow punch bar and Shirley’s racially ambiguous cookies--
SHIRLEY That’s not nice, Britta. People like my White Chocolate Caramel Fortune Cookies. BRITTA If I’m going, you’re going. JEFF No way. I act as your puppet and don’t have to go to events. That’s the deal. BRITTA That WAS the deal, Jeff, until your little executive order just now. What? JEFF
BRITTA That’s right, Jeff. For once, you breaking the rules isn’t going to get you laid. It’s gonna get you a gym papered in tolerant decorations that’s awkwardly split right down the middle into boys and girls. ABED You did kind of walk into that one, Jeff. But I’m not complaining, this is playing into my theory on how this all ends. JEFF Abed, could you stop being meta for one second and help me with your huge robot brain. There has to be a way out of this. ABED Sorry, Jeff. Fair’s fair. You broke the rule, now you pay the penalty. JEFF Ugh. This is the worst. BRITTA And, you;re going to be my escort.
15. JEFF Really, Britta? there?
You had to go
The group chatters about the mixer. CUT TO: INT. GREENDALE GYM - NIGHT In the gym, tacky decorations are hanging up. Elementary school cut-outs featuring cultures from around the world are taped above tables with little food spreads, most of them consisting of food that doesn’t really represent the culture, but rather American perceptions of them. The Chinese booth has egg rolls. Big Box of tacos from Taco Bell. It’s all bad news. And there, in the middle of it all: Annie’s rainbow punch bar. Lit like a shrine to the gods, there is a red punch, an orange punch with a picture of newly-spray-tanned Dean Pelton on a card that says "Dean Juice", yellow, green, blue, violet. It is as cool as a rainbow punch bar can be. Annie steps up onto the riser. ANNIE Thank you everyone for attending the Greendale Student Diversity mixer! We worked really hard to make everything every friendly, so just remember, tonight is about mixing races! JEFF That was subtle. Annie steps down to rejoin the study group. ANNIE Well, Britta, are you a believer yet? The rainbow punch bar is a hit! BRITTA Annie, I hate to be the bearer of bad news-The Mexican booth has a
THE STUDY GROUP (ad lib) No you don’t. BRITTA Oh, come on, look around, Annie! Don’t you... notice anything? Annie looks around. The Asian students are standing over by the Asian food booths. The Hispanic students over by the Hispanic food booths. As she looks around, everyone is just sticking to the booths dedicated to their specific race. It is a nightmare. Even her rainbow punch bar is surrounded by well-dressed men and girls with short haircuts in flannel. And of course, Dean Pelton, in his globe tailcoat, chatting up a cute guy about trying the "Dean Juice" and explaining to him that he is the punch’s namesake. JEFF That’s not going to end well. ANNIE Oh no! This is a disaster! The whole point of being here is to be united together! Like a, a-JEFF I believe the term you’re looking for is melting pot. Speaking of, is that fondue at the white people booth? There is a booth with a huge banner that says "White People" over it, featuring fondue, champagne, and caviar. ANNIE Jeff, you can’t just walk off! have to fix this! You’re the president! You
JEFF Oh no, I didn’t sign up for this. The Dean nominated me, the hivemind got me elected, and I agreed to be a puppet government in exchange for not even have to come to these stupid events. So, since (MORE)
JEFF (cont’d) I’m here, I’m going to go eat fondue with the other white people. BRITTA Come on, Jeff, for once in your life, do something for someone other than yourself. JEFF You know what, Britta? Fine. You want this fixed, I will fix it. Permanently. Jeff walks up to the mic. ABED I love this part. TROY I know! I can never get enough classic Jeff speeches. He inspires me every time! ABED Plus, I totally called this happening. TROY AND ABED Troy and Abed do a Chest-Fiveeeeeeee. And then they do! JEFF Alright, Student Diversity Club. Listen up. We’re here today to celebrate your diversity right? THE CROWD (ad lib) Right. JEFF Well take a look at yourselves, because you’re FAILING. Everyone looks around. We see the same revelation that hit Annie earlier spreading across faces. JEFF (CONT.) Not only are you segregating yourselves, you’re reinforcing (MORE)
JEFF (CONT.) (cont’d) stereotypes of your races so hardcore, it’s almost comical. White people have expensive food, black people have fried chicken? The Japanese booth is serving nothing but rice. We see the Japanese booth. There is a mountain of white rice. JEFF (CONT.) Are you guys even aware of other cultures at all? There’s Taco Bell at the Mexican booth for God’s sake. Now, I understand if I’m the only person in this school that is racially conscious enough to be offended by this, but really, didn’t everyone already pick up on how wrong it is? Otherwise, you wouldn’t have looked so guilty when you saw that everyone was just hanging out with people like them. The crowd shifts around. They mutter approval. JEFF (CONT.) We don’t really need a club for diversity, look around! You guys are a diverse crowd. And sure, there’s a couple of haters, but in today’s society, they hold no real power, and, in fact, by declaring their aversion to different types of people, they only accentuate how much of a douche everyone thinks they are. Just then, Pierce bursts in the door. He looks around, sees everyone separated, and makes his way to the White People booth. PIERCE If I knew this club was going to be like this, I’d have signed on a long time ago. There is a groan from the crowd. JEFF You see? Exactly like that! So are we going to let people like Pierce (MORE)
JEFF (cont’d) Hawthorne, people with bigoted, homophobic, 1800’s mindsets force us to be in a stupid club that takes up loads of time and throws mixers with not one, but six flavors of punch? Or are we going to collectively decide that he is just an intolerant prick who doesn’t deserve so much attention and dissolve this club? The crowd cheers. JEFF Because we’re the Human Beings, and with or without this awful club-THE CROWD It’s time we start acting like it! JEFF Say it with me, Hu-man Be-ings! THE CROWD Hu-man Be-ings! Hu-man Be-ings! PIERCE (yelling over the crowd) Oh sure, listen to the young, attractive white guy. The crowd stops chanting. Everyone is chattering and they realize it’s true. They begin chanting. THE CROWD Pierce! Pierce! Pierce! Pierce walks up onto the stage holding his fists up. stuffs a cracker packed with caviar into his mouth. PIERCE Who’s racially aware now, Jeff? JEFF ... aaaaand, we’re back to square one. The camera pulls out through the roof as the Greendale Human Beings chant the name of the most bigoted, intolerant student on campus. He
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