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Kenyon Collegiate Issue 2.11

Kenyon Collegiate Issue 2.11

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Philander’s Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip. Vol.

2, Issue 11 March 3, 2010
White Guys Finally Headlining Sendoff
By Ed Strictly
GUND COMPUTER LAB — The
Hood Internet, a Chicago-based
duo who specialize in the blending
of hip-hop and indie rock songs,
released a statement on their web-
site that they will be “mashing up”
Kenyon’s Sendoff this May. The
team, who has produced such cuts
as “All My Scrubs” (TLC vs. Led
Zeppelin) and “Fire it Up, Fire-
mouse” (Lil Wayne vs. Modest
Mouse), has been researching Ke-
nyon extensively in order to gener-
ate pertinent and charming tributes
to the school.
“Let’s just say that these tracks
will shake the gravel on Center
Path,” said the band’s publicist,
Kyle Lemieux. “Your minds will
be blown. You’ll never suspect
some of these mash-ups, kids.
You’ll be running around in disbe-
lief, all over John Crowe Ransom
Lawn.”
According to Lemieux, the duo
has spent hours on Kenyon’s web-
site, learning the ins-and-outs of
the campus. “They wanted to re-
ally know this place inside-out,”
he said. “They read everything
they could
get their
hands on:
Fortnight-
ly, Per-
simmons, even the daily Peirce
menu.” Lemieux refused to re-
lease any of the songs’ names, but
he did divulge some of the uncho-
sen Peirce-themed tracks: “Burger
BlowOutdoors Club (Comfort Sta-
tion vs. Backpacks!)”, “Tuna Sur-
prises at Infnity (AVI vs. Math!)¨,
and “Great Hall & Oates (The
Great Hall in Peirce vs. Pop-rock-
ers Hall & Oates!)”.
The crux of their set, however,
will be Sendoff-themed mash-ups,
including “Paradise Lost My K-
Card on the Lunar Bounce (Lentz
vs. Allstu),” and “Tripping Face-
Paint Booth (Ecstasy vs. Student
Council).”
When asked what these mash-
ups would consist of, and how
the songs themselves would per-
tain to Kenyon, Lemieux seemed
confused: “They’ll just be hip-hop
songs mashed-up with indie rock
songs.” When pressed further as
to how the content of the songs
themselves would correspond to
the fattering pun-flled titles, and
whether the songs would include
sound-bites from the campus it-
self, or perhaps audio clips from
Kokosingers or Peelers, Lemieux
checked his watch, said, “they’re
just gonna play two unlikely songs
at the same time,” and x-ed out of
our Skype chat.
By Sgt. Clap Stormison
DANTOOINE — The Collegiate
is happy to announce that RJD2,
fresh from his tour of a galaxy far,
far away, will appear at Earth’s Ke-
nyon College for Summer Sendoff.
RJD2 has been on the space road
since releasing his latest album
The Colossus (a reference, of
course, to the Imperial-class Star
Destroyer Colossus that led the at-
tack on D`rinba IV). Performances
on his chassis’s built-in internal
turntables — which he never used
in the original trilogy, for some
stupid reason — have earned him
great success, as The Colossus
went double-transparisteel in De-
cember.
“R-J says the chances of all-night
partying and having a most excel-
lent time are 725 to 1!” intoned hy-
peman C3PO before a recent RJD2
performance at the Tatooine House
of Blues. “Although, he has been
known to make mistakes . . . from
time to time. Fuck YEAH!” To the
roar of beeping and buzzing fans,
RJD2 rolled onstage and began his
intense, hour-long musical show-
down between machine and also
machine: RJD2 vs. his equipment.
RJD2, the droid, freedom fghter,
and all-around intergalactic mega-
star, won, and the robotic crowd
went as wild as their limited robot
bodies allowed.
D2’s entourage also has plans
for the day. Chewbacca is slated to
take on the entire Kenyon College
rugby team and “wrooararoaoroa”
them to pieces, while Luke Sky-
walker is expected to wow stu-
dents by sinking beer pong shots
with his visor down.
The droid faced a 2008 sexual
harassment suit after a female fan
accused him of using his computer
interface arm in ways that “went
against her original program-
ming,” but 2009 showered him
with rave reviews for his single,
“Boooop Beeep Wheeeeereeeep
Beep.” The artist split the single’s
profts between a group advocating
lightsaber-control laws and Space
AIDS research. In addition, his
song “Chirrrrp Boop Beep” can be
heard in the intro to AMC’s popu-
lar drama Mad Men.
RJD2 is known for his elabo-
rate stage shows, incorporating
self-projected images of princesses
pole dancing on tables, and often
inappropriate live performances.
The droid’s label representatives
at Choruscant Records assured the
College that “Arjay” will keep the
o b s c e n e
beeps and
wh i s t l e s
at a mini-
mum.
1
INSIDE THIS ISSUE:
BASEBALL TEAM GOES CUPLESS TO REDUCE WASTE
SAILING TEAM GIVES UP
MT. VERNON MIKE TO LISTEN TO STATIC OVER BREAK
“We Also Know How LOST Ends”
Superstar Droid RJD2 To Play Hood Internet to Mash Up Kenyon
By Esteban Sinclaire
HORN GALLERY — This past Tuesday
night at the Horn Gallery, eleven American
Studies majors fnished the last phase of
their senior comps, an adorable but weally
hard ten-minute group presentation that
left many uncertain about passing and all
weally weady for a snack.
The comps consisted of a PowerPoint
and a paragraph on something that some-
how ties into something they learned. This
year’s presentation was comprised of a
slideshow entitled “Famoss [sic] Presi-
dents In Histery [sic]” and a rendition of
“America The Beautiful” by Mike Gloovar
’10 on his recorder.
“I did my project on Benjamin Franklin,
our tenth president,” said Trevor Brooke
’10 during the presentation, dressed in a
white wig and an oversized tweed coat.
“He was really neat - he even invented
electricity! Look, I brought a light bulb!”
Brooke proceeded to show the crowd
assembled a battery-powered light circuit
he had made in the garage with his father,
Todd Brooke `78, who flmed the entire
presentation from the back of the room.
Although the light fickered when switched
on, other students felt frowny faced after
the group fnished.
“Uh, they asked hard stuff, like if
Mexico is up or down on the map,” Lace
Goiter ‘10 said after pulling her shirt up
and rolling on the ground. “And after Tom
[McRoy ‘10] threw up, my tummy started
to hurt. Could you rub it?”
On Tuesday students also had to sub-
mit their refection to Mr. Rutkoff, their
teacher who’s pretty nice even though he
shouts a lot. Notoriously known as “the
big challenge for big boys!” the paper has
long been criticized by the larger academic
community for its strict no crayon policy.
“This paper made my brain weally
sweepy,” Jack Rickrone ‘10 said as he
printed off his quadruple-spaced, size 16-
font refection minutes before the presen-
tation. “How am I supposed to write a
whole pawagwaph when I’ve only studied
the United American States for this many
fngers?¨
Rickrone claims that regardless of the
strains of Googling pictures of the Con-
stitution or fguring out how to turn on
the projector, the rewards of the major far
outweigh its meany-pants demands - he
doesn’t even care if he has to stay inside
this weekend for not putting his name on
his paper.
“I got a purple ice pop!” Rickrone
shouted after fnishing the presentation and
throwing his shoe across the room. “And
Mr. Wutkoff said he was gonna make
bwownies! This is the bestest comps test
ever!!”
2
By Satchmo Dirk Jerkins
KAC — The halftime crowd at last week’s bas-
ketball game was treated to the much-anticipated
Kenyon debut of Boots Firmly Planted, a na-
tionally acclaimed Amish step team from Knox
County.
“These guys are step legends,” said an excited
Marcus Brackston ’10, head of the Kenyon Step
Team. “They’re right up there with the Showtime
Steppers and Status
Quo in terms of co-
ordination and tech-
nique. And their
moves are just —
well, you gotta see
it to believe it.”
The game’s
anouncer pumped
the crowd up with
a raucous introduc-
tion: “Kenyoooon
are you ready for
some steppiiiiiin!?
Boots Firmly Plants
let’s see what you
can do!” Thunder-
ous cheering and
hooting greeted Boots Firmly Planted as they
took the stage. But the group’s leader, Hans
Leifenhuuf, silenced the applause. “Nay,” he
professed. “Thy revelry is forbidden. Galatians
5:19–21 states that the acts of sinful nature —
sexual debauchery, discord, idolatry, and drunken
orgies — shalt disqualify yon practitioners from
the Kingdom of Heaven.”
“They always start their set off with a discource
on Bible verses,” whispered an awed Brackston.
“It’s amazing . . .”
“Ho, Leifenhuuf,” reproached teammate Amos
Achtung, “halt thine sour condemnations. ’Tis
a joyful celebration of God’s majesty we do at-
tend on yon day of Sun. Do not let slip thy mind
of Psalm 149:3: ‘Let them praise His name with
dancing and make music to Him with tambou-
rine and harp.’ Soften thy wintry heart, Hans, and
let loose the di-
vine power of thy
britches.”
The crowd
could barely con-
tain their hytseria
by this point, with
shouts of “Awww
shit son!” and
“You da man of
God!¨ fying at the
crew.
The remain-
der of the team
murmured in
agreement with
Amos’ wisdom.
The expression of
sternness lifted from Leifenhuuf’s face, and he
eventually relented.'`Tis a fne game of basket-
weaving-ball,¨ he said. 'A fne game.¨ After a
curt nod, he added: 'Very well. Steppers to thine
marks. Commence to bring it on.”
Then, much to the crowd’s delight, the group
began a coordinated jig to DJ Unk’s Walk It Out,
verifying their status as step team champions.
By Gurl Wulf
WIGGIN ST— The clang of wedding bells rang
out over the village of Gambier Saturday, herald-
ing the nuptials of Peter Stevens, 9, and Kara Lu-
cas, 5. The couple, who met three weeks ago dur-
ing a game of capture-the-fag, plan to reside in
their respective parents’ homes until one or both
of them is old enough to see over the counter. The
spectacularly pink and glittery wedding was at-
tended by members of the Wiggin Street kinder-
garten, frst, and second grade classes, many of
whom had attended such festivities before.
Not all of the guests were thrilled for the cou-
ple, however, as several reported conficts during
the service and, later, around the buffet tables and
in the sandbox. “This is Peter’s eleventh wife,”
said Wiggin Street math teacher Joan McCoy. “A
lot of the girls at the wedding have been married
to him before; I`m sure it was very diffcult for
them to watch someone else step into shoes they
once wore.” Still, some of the ex-wives in atten-
dance remained positive throughout. Stevens’
ninth wife, Eliza Hoppit, 6, said, “We parted ami-
cably. He was a really good sharer. He always let
me play with his blocks.”
“I bet he did,” commented ex-wife Delilah
Loops, 11. Loops, who married Stevens when she
was 6 and divorced him four hours later citing
cooties and hair-pulling, elaborated, “I thought
Peter was going to let me play with his blocks
forever. It turned out he wanted to spread them
around, build some forts with other girls. I should
have known, younger boys never have the long-
term in mind.”
Stevens’ most recent ex-wife, Becky Granger,
4, could not be reached for comment as it was
either naptime, bedtime, or bath time every time
her mom answered the phone, but close friend
Molly Sullivan, 5, said, 'Becky`s doing fne. Pe-
ter did not treat her very well, but she’s taking
some time for herself, you know, watching Dora
the Explorer to improve her Spanish, getting back
in shape on the monkey bars. She’ll be okay.”
“She still needed a booster seat, which really
crimped my style,” Stevens said unapologeti-
cally. “It’s hard to have a tickle war when you’re
belted six ways to Sunday.”
Stevens, whose marriages have lasted any-
where from two recesses to six months (“A
fuke,¨ he is careful to add, 'because she moved
to Spain and I didn’t know how to call Spain.”) is
proud of his record. “I’ve asked to be held back in
kindergarten for the past four years,” he said. “As
soon as they hit frst grade, girls come with bag-
gage. Do you have any idea how many serious
emotional issues the whole concept of Phonics
brings out in girls? Kindergarten for life.”
“I don’t care,” the new bride said. “I love Peter
thiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much, and we’re gonna be married
at least ‘til I start losing my baby teeth. He prom-
ised.”
Amish Step Team Performs At Half-Time
American Studies Majors
Worried About Pass-
ing Big, Stupid Comps
Wiggin Street Kindergartner On Eleventh Wife
Boots Firmly Planted before a captivated audience.
By Granny Hayes
OLD KENYON — In what turned
out to be an unfortunate misun-
derstanding Saturday night, local
librarians Patricia Meriwether and
Celia Fleming arrived at the Zeta
Alpha Pi “Librarians and Barbar-
ians” all-campus party. Expecting
to attend an informative lecture on
Dewey Decimals on the Barbary
Coast, the women were shocked
to fnd themselves at an event that
Fleming described as “too loud.”
“Once I saw the young men with
their loincloths fapping around, I
realized that Patty and I had made
an error,” said Fleming. “The men
we had encountered were clearly
illiterate.”
“I hadn’t been that confused
since I found out that Who Moved
My Cheese? was a self-help book,
not a cook book about dairy prod-
ucts,” commented Meriweth-
er. “All these years, I had been
cataloging it wrong,” she added,
chuckling.
The party, classifed on Face-
book as a “NATASTROPHE,”
quickly evolved into a scene that
Meriwether described as “not qui-
et enough.” “I saw Patty starting
to overheat in her wool skirt suit,”
said Fleming, “and I knew we had
to get out of there.” With every
moment that passed the informa-
tion professionals became more
certain that they were, in fact, the
only real librarians at the party and
that the illiterates weren’t illiterate
at all, but rather, male college stu-
dents dressed as barbarians. “No
one even recognized my ‘SHHH!
Librarian at Work’ sweater,” said
Fleming. “People kept saying
‘Haha that’s so clever. Did you get
that at Goodwill?’ But they give
these sweaters out every year to
the librarians working the Gam-
bier Public Library Book Sale.”
Stuck between two male stu-
dents dressed as Germanic war-
riors, Fleming and Meriwether
pleaded to get by the fake savages.
However, their requests went un-
heard as the women spoke exclu-
sively in hushed tones.
Real Librarians Crash Zeta Alpha Pi Party
By Joe M. Amasas
EDWARDS HOUSE —Over the
past few weeks, Kenyon Col-
lege`s Offce of the Registrar has
been swamped with work. At
times, there were as many as fve
students trying to hand in forms
simultaneously. Since the return
of the student body to campus in
mid-January, students have been
coming through at all hours and
asking countless questions, requir-
ing a number of answers, ranging
from, “No,” to “That form,” to
“Yes, you do need that signature
as well.
Frequent though ultimately un-
founded worries circulated that
the offce might have to stay open
through lunch.
As the window during which
students can drop or add classes
closes, however, the Offce of the
Registrar has fnally been able to
go back to just sitting there for
most of the workday and answer-
ing the occasional phone call.
“There was a while there when
the only time we could really all
sit together and do nothing was the
hour off that we all take at the same
time every day.” Sadie McEntyre,
Head Registrar, recalled. “A pre-
cious fve hours a week.¨ Now all
of that has changed, and McEntyre
says that the offce does basically
nothing all day.
Overall, student reaction has
been positive. Jimmy Volksberger
’12 told reporters that he was “so
proud of all of us” for returning the
Offce of the Registrar to its peace-
ful, dormant state. “It was terrible,
unfair, and downright inhumane
there. Can you imagine having
to sit at a desk and receive forms
from or respond to people for al-
most three hours each morning?
Well, then imagine having to do
it again, for another three hours,
every afternoon, for fve days in a
row. Nobody should be surprised
when their questions are met with
surly, veiled hostility — under
such intense working conditions,
who could possibly still pay mind
to politeness and decency?”
Still, not everyone is happy.
Carla Wartroth ‘11 complained,
“It’s unreasonable to call what
they do a work day.” Wartroth,
who has not had to wake up before
eleven and has had Tuesdays and
Thursdays off for the past three
years thanks to the Offce of the
Registrar, noted, “The combina-
tion of extreme degrees of sloth
and entitlement is one of the most
disgusting perversions of human
nature,” before neglecting to do
the 20 minutes of Biology reading
she had for the 11th class in a row.
Registrar Sits
Back On Ass
By Beauregard Beauregard
SCIENCE QUAD — Students
frequenting the Science Quad in
the past month have been
subjected to both scalding
harassment and plaintive
attempts at human contact
from Henry Moore’s Large
Spindle Piece, on loan to
the college from architect
Graham Gund ’63.
Much of the sculpture’s
antagonism seems to stem
from jealousy for the group
of angels by Carles Milles
located outside Rosse Hall.
“Have you even seen those
assholes?” it exclaimed.
“Just up on those pedestals,
playing their instruments
like they don’t even know
what kind of picture they’re
cutting. Buncha phonies.
They know. Of course they
know. And they get mad
if you point it out, too. All
morons hate it when you
call them a moron.”
A small number of fe-
male students have reported
engaging in relationships
with the sculpture with
varying degrees of physi-
cality. When asked about its
sexuality, it Large Spindle
Piece replied, “Winter’s the
hardest, and I don’t need
any psychobabble about
Seasonal Affective Disorder to tell
me why. It’s because of the girls,
man. All bundled up and whatnot,
they’re never going to do anything
pretty. Fall and Spring I’m falling
half in love every two seconds but
in the winter it’s goddamn hard,”
before sighing and pausing. “Girls.
Jesus Christ. They can
drive you crazy. They re-
ally can.
While a rare few are in-
different to the sculpture’s
diatribes, most either feel
a deep connection or fnd
it utterly insufferable. “All
it talks about is its ‘dead
brother Three Way Piece
No. 2 (The Archer),’ ”
commented Janet Wil-
son ’12. “Apparently we
would have liked him.”
Another student, who
wished to remain anony-
mous, described the sculp-
ture as “kind of a whiny
bitch.”
The abstract work’s
disillusionment seems to
stem from a frustration
with the human tendency
to take things for grant-
ed. “This is a really nice
place you’ve got here, you
know?” it said. “I mean,
sure, you’ve got your fair
share of jerks and all that,
guys who can’t shut up
about themselves or their
fathers and all, but it’s a
nice place. People never
notice anything.”
Sculpture Wishes Someone, Anyone Understood It
Merriwether and Fleming shushing the crowd.
The Large Spindle Piece, brooding.
4
Savage Garden . . . . . Skeeter Demiglace
Foo Fighters . . . . . . Sheridan Whiteside
Del Amitri . . . . . . . . . Diesel Jackson
Creed . . . . . . . . . Luther Honeybucket
Smashmouth . . . . . . . . . Gordelo 3000
Goo Goo Dolls . . . . . . . . Charlie Adams
Spacehog . . . . . . . Beauregard Beauregard
Matchbox 20 . . . . . . . Eegull Eggelstein
Eagle Eye Cherry . . . . . . Granny Hayes
Everclear . . . . . . Satchmo Dirk Jerkins
Train . . . . . . . . . . Esteban Sinclaire
3 Doors Down . . . . . . Dingo Rockefeller
Sister Hazel . . . . . . . . . . Gurl Wulf
Hoku . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jean Shortz
Hanson . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ed Strictly
Lucky Boys Confusion . . . . Clams Casino
Everlast . . . . . . . . Sgt. Clap Stormison
Third Eye Blind . . . . . . Joe M. Amasas
Garbage . . . . . . . . . . Roy McKluskin
Blind Melon . . . . . . . Helga G. Pataki
Sugar Ray . . . . . Ruth “Thundercat” Bubis
Advisor . . Now! That’s What I Call Music 4-6
Founder/Editor Emeritus . . Louis Francis Al-
bert Victor Nicholas Collegiate, 1st Earl Colle-
giate of Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
COLLEGIATE STAFF
By Jean Shortz
BOOKSTORE — This past week, Jim Huang
began work as the new Kenyon College Book-
store Manager. Huang, when offered the job
this past September, accepted on only one con-
dition: that the bookstore sell a shit-ton of pup-
pets.
Since Huang’s arrival on campus, his main
concern has been adjusting to life in Gam-
bier and his new job. “Transitions are always
messy, but this one is going to be worth it,” he
said. “It’s going to be wonderful once we’re all
here — my wife and daughter and my puppets
are still back
in Indiana
wr a p p i n g
up vari-
ous things.”
He looked
up as “The
R a i n b o w
Connection”
started to
play for the
ffth time
since the
i n t e r v i e w
started. Wa-
tery-eyed, he
conf essed,
“It’s a little
hard to be
apart from
my puppets
right now.”
H u a n g
says he is
already discovering aspects
of the Bookstore that he hopes to improve.
'Somewhat to my surprise, I fnd that the ma-
jority of what the Bookstore sells is books and
food items and academic-type stuff,” he said. “I
was hoping for more puppets. I like puppets.”
He accepted the position in October, and
the bookstore began carrying a greater num-
ber and variety of puppets to make the move
more comfortable. According to Huang, the
puppets currently stocked are a good effort “for
amateurs” but not quite up to par with what he
had in mind: “We have hand puppets of the
ticklebug and glove variety; we carry some
simply modeled but stunning pull-string and
Marionette puppets; we even have a couple of
marotte-style beauties. My concern is that both
the Bunraku movement and all light and water-
based puppetry are tragically underrepresented
in our inventory — I pledge to right this wrong
before the semester is over.”
Huang also said he encourages questions
and comments from students, staff, and faculty.
“The main message is that I want everyone in-
volved in the
Bookstore,”
he said. “It’s
not just a
part of ev-
e r y o n e ’ s
education—
it can and
should be a
place where
puppets are
sold.”
The new
m a n a g e r
also noted
that while
other cam-
pus groups
have public
oppor t uni -
ties to show-
case what
their organi-
zations are
all about, the
Bookstore has nothing of the kind. “The Chas-
ers have a concert; Renegade puts on one act
plays; it only makes sense that the Bookstore
would have a puppet show.” He has begun rais-
ing money for a production that he will put on
in April. “I won’t give it all away, but I’ll just
say that it is in the Czech post-modern Āerné
divadlo tradition.” He chuckled to himself. “I
think you all know what that means.”
New Bookstore Manager Enthu-
siastic About Books, Puppets
Student Sitting Behind You At Creditors Barely Understands Plot
By Dingo Rockefeller
HILL THEATER — The student sitting behind
you at last weekend’s production of Creditors
by August Strinberg was almost completely
baffed by essentially every aspect of the pro-
duction. Despite capable acting, clear direc-
tion, and a reasonably straightforward plot,
the student behind you had only the vaguest
inkling of the cause and effect of the theatrical
world before him.
“He can’t walk,” he whispered early in
the production, shortly after Adolf, one of
the play’s three main characters, picked up a
crutch to travel into a chair. “He needs a cane.”
Later, in scene three, the student sitting be-
hind you audibly gasped, “Ohh, he was her
wife!” in reference to a plot point that you and
everyone around you had fgured out, silently,
over twenty minutes previously.
As interactions between Tekla and her ex-
husband heated up, the student an arm’s length
behind you murmured, “Uh oh, her husband’s
behind the door,” possibly hoping to share his
revelation with any theatergoers in the immedi-
ate vicinity who had missed the moment when
Adolf had said “I’ll hide behind the door” and
then, in full view of the audience, hidden be-
hind said door.
Reports that the student sitting behind you
at Creditors will be writing the review for The
Kenyon Collegian are unconfrmed.
Student Perspectives
By Pat Macalister ’10
Holy. Crap. You
guys, have you
seen what they
have at the Hearth
today? As if that
station couldn’t get
any homier, they
have Fresh Baked
Bread(!) It’s like
regular bread, only
totally different, be-
cause while regular
bread is a mixture
of four and water
and leavening, this bread is a mixture of four
and water and leavening and that special ingre-
dient that they call LUV. Plus, it`s more oval
shaped and sometimes has cheese in it.
When I saw it for the frst time at dinner the
other night, I was skeptical. Until now, I’ve al-
ways been OK with Normal Bread (which, by
the way, now tastes like a combination of ce-
ment and demon tears) but I’ve never been a
huge fan.
But this stuff is different. I mean, three kinds
of butter?! Even cinnamon?! No way! If regular
butter is ambrosia, this butter is ambrosia with
slightly more cinnamon! I want to slather it all
over my face.
RETRACTION:
In our previous issue, contributor Luther Honey-
bucket reported on a boll weevil plague in Knox
County. The plague in question actually occured
in 1923, in Georgia. We apologize for the confu-
sion.
Additionally, a piece from our editorial section
reported that the movie Tooth Fairy was a heart-
warming romp suitable for all ages. We sincere-
ly apologize for the error.
The Kenyon Bookstore displays a new decor theme.
FRESH BREAD! WHOOPEE!

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