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Kenyon Collegiate Issue 3.5

Kenyon Collegiate Issue 3.5

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Philander’s Most sPlendiferous source of news and GossiP. $100 an issue — cheaP!

Vol. 3, issue 5

october 27, 2010

New Club ‘PEACO’ Trades Roots for Ruthlessness
By Roy McKluskin’ BFEC — This Sunday, the leaders of ECO and PEAS finalized plans to merge their two organizations to form PEACO Incorporated. Lyle Spatino ’11, former leader of ECO and newly-elected PEACO president promised the group would “achieve the goal of promoting sustainability and a connection with our Knox County neighbors in a way never imaginable before the union of our two illustrious organizations.” Former PEAS prime minister Enicha Patina ’12 mysteriously disappeared last week and as such was unable to attend the press conference and could not be reached for comment. “We’re seeing the dawn of a new age of progress at Kenyon,” said treasurer Peter Agno ’12. The group’s short-term goals include buying out the Mt. Vernon Wal-Mart building and replacing it with a flagship Free Store, recycling Gund Commons and using it to build a KAC-sized terrarium, and Free Açaí Wednesdays.

InsIde ThIs Issue
Seminar Student Pretends Phone Isn’t Vibrating

But some of PEACO’s members contend that the powerful merger has led the leaders of PEACO astray. Rumors of corruption run rampant. “While we’re here talking to farmers, the higher-ups hold secret meetings,” said Trudy Gluna ’11, an active member of both organizations. “One night, I looked through the window of Crozier and saw them slurping down gallons of farm-fresh, pesticide-free, fennel-infused butternut squash soup, when, earlier that same day, they had

The members of PEACO, shown here with pumpkins.

told us that we would all need to share rations during the Local Luncheon because of a shortage.” Others suspect the introduction of pesticide-ridden non-organic produce to PEACO events in an attempt by the president to cut expenses and increase deliciousness. “Though it makes really good coleslaw, I’m pretty sure Knox County-sourced cabbage does

Exclusive Weekend Preview: Waldo To Hook Up With Giant Baby Parents Prefer Roommate Kenyon Ranked First in Cannibal Dining Options

Continued on page 3.

Fruits of Child Labor Turned Into Sexy Elmo Costume
By Sheridan Whiteside GAMBIER — A giant Elmo doll lovingly sewed by child sweatshop laborer Zheng Li Nanjing was turned into a sexy Elmo costume on Tuesday evening, sources reported. Nanjing, a twelve year old from the Kamphaeng Phet province in Thailand who works at the local Tycho Toys factory for 5¢ a week, spent days laboring over the doll in 110-degree heat and twelve-hour shifts. “What get me through day is know that doll end up in arms of American child and cherish for all time,” said Nanjing, coughing as he inhaled a yellow cloud of toxic fumes. When he is not caring for his seven orphaned siblings in their sagging lean-to, Nanjing spends his time learning English from a decrepit copy of The Hardy Boys by the light of a single candle. “Joe Hardy my favorite,” said Nanjing, stirring a pot of cabbage juice, “I hope work here
t he kenyon collegiat e

By Boat Thorpe

Film Major To Offer Courses In Theory, Smugness

make children grow up be just like him.” Meanwhile, in Gambier, sophomore sociology major Linda Harlington ’13 was putting the finishing touches on her sexy Elmo costume, the eviscerated remains of the doll littering the floor of her New Apt. “I was thinking about using the

Harlington sporting Nanjing’s handiwork.

Continued on page 3.

MOSTLY NORTH CAMPUS — Students rejoiced last week when the College announced it would offer a film major. Faculty say that the department will feature courses in auteur theory, Italian neorealism, and disdain. Faculty and students alike had been pressuring the administration to provide a film major for over a decade. “I just need an outlet for all my insights about 2001: A Space Odyssey,” Constance Houte ’13 said. “I mean, you know the theme music? It’s called Thus Spake Zarathustra. It’s named after a book by Nietzsche. Did you know that?” The new film department will combine faculty from the departments of drama, English, and other disciplines. “We hope the film major will be fully integrated into the College’s liberal arts program,” Professor of Drama Jonathan Tazewell said. “Film will be

just as pretentious as any other field.” Daniel Villano ’12, associate producer of Kenyon Filmmakers (KFM), expressed interest in learning new ways to look at film. “I mean, I’ve made a lot of films, so I can talk about lenses and depth of field and stuff,” Villano said, “but if I could take a real film theory course … man. I could be all, ‘Look at that signifier and that signified. It totally valorizes the cultural construction of …’ you know?” Carl Wenner ’14 plans to declare a film major as soon as possible. “I’ve always been kind of a film buff,” he said. “I saw Blue Velvet in tenth grade, and it completely changed my life. All my friends were watching Transformers, and I was like, ‘Do you guys want to come over and watch Eraserhead?’ I’m hoping as a film major I can meet some people who really get films the way I do.” Mary Stillper ’13 wants to turn

Continued on page 4.
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Interdisciplinary Class Blends Disciplines, Scapes Land
By Elgin Marbles THAT FIELD BEHIND BEXLEY — Moving classroom experiences usually do not actually move one. But, as they broke ground around campus this week, independent study students in “Lawns, Lives and Deciduous Decision Making: Surprises in Landscape Design,” literally began to make mountains out of mole hills. “It’s more than just dirt and daisies,” Visiting Professor of Art History Neville Mills said. “We spent two weeks talking about obelisks and urns too! You know, lack and lust, filling the void.” Mills, a specialist in White Identity Legitimization and author of such works as The Endless Conquest: Caucasians and the Infinite Academy and What Can’t We Study? hopes the class attracts international recognition for its interdisciplinary approach, something bigger schools nearer to major cities really appreciate, he said. “We’re not just talking about art history, you know,” he said. “The class engages Environmental Studies or whatever too, and sculpture, you know, science, ecosystem destruction, so yeah, it’s like math, science, art history, a bit of mythology if we have time, and you know, its all very theatrical stuff, very sociological.” dirt, and now, there it is! It’s also on my boots, but I mean, don’t look at that.” Clarence, an art history major who thought about concentrating in environmental studies, hopes the independent study will show off her feminist side. “My friend was telling me about this eco-feminist movie she had to watch,” she said. “You know, I think oppression is really interesting, like we’re totally raping the earth — I can’t wait to use a backhoe. I’ve never even driven a car!” Burt Wilbur ’12 appreciates the class’s non-traditional approach. Wilbur spent his summer photographing sand dunes near his summer home in New England and plans to spend next semester studying ammunition and excavation techniques outside Abu Dhabi. “I usually hate class, but this is great, right?” Wilbur asked. (After cowering a bit before his startlingly large arms, pick axe in hand, this reporter agreed) “That guy,” he said,

“I can’t wait to use a backhoe.”
Slated to be a combination of lectures, readings and exercises in practical application, the class kicked off its first and final project by breaking ground this week with minor construction equipment the students borrowed and hope will go unmissed. “It’s really exciting, you know, to see something you kinda thought of kinda start to exist,” Betty Clarence ’11 said. “I mean look, I drew that

his ham steaks indicating Professor Mills, “just waves his hands around a lot like that guy on Project Runway and we just chill outside. And it’s worth as much as my bio lecture. Can’t beat that, man.” Whether for its legitimization and elevation of the mundane to the level of the scholarly or maybe due to its blatant exploitation of a huge loophole in the College’s otherwise ironclad curriculum, the class continues to surprise those who hear about it. Arthur Fritz, Grand Monitor of Campus Construction, actually fled his interview to immediately witness the class in action. “They’re doing what to the first-year quad?” Fritz asked. “I thought that was the new sewer line! I didn’t clear any Bacchus figures or tiered allegorical fountains outside Leonard. Where’s there a Neptune? What are you talking about? That’s not in the master plan. Who approved this thing? Dotty, where’s my coat?”

Cool Professor Says “Fuck”
By Charlie Adams RALSTON COTTAGE — Cool Assistant Professor of Sociology Ted Karant said “fuck” during a lecture last Thursday evening, impressing and challenging the twelve students present, college sources reported. Karant’s nonchalant interjection, which occurred in the eighty-seventh minute of his “Sociology of Modern Media” seminar, made him seem more down-to-earth and plugged-in than most other professors, and even made the material at hand seem more relevant. “I was astonished,” said freshman Nick Christian ’14. “Here I am, falling asleep in this stuffy old chestnutpaneled classroom watching a PowerPoint about the history of radio, when all of a sudden Professor K drops this f-bomb on us out of nowhere! My eyes almost popped out of my sockets.” “I mean, is that even allowed?” added Christian. Far from an isolated incident, Karant’s defiant word choice is just one of many gambits by a professor renowned for pushing the envelope. Sources report that in last Tuesday’s “Intro to Social Theory” class the professor made direct references to both beer pong and Shock Your Mom, two things that the average Kenyon faculty member probably wouldn’t even know about. That same course is also famed for one two-page essay assignment on partying, which

Awwwmost, Maine: A Fwiendwy Cwiticism
By Bewinda Wittweby

Karant’s former students confirmed is probably illegal for him to have them write, or something. Of course, not all of the seminar’s attendees were taken aback by the event. “That’s just classic Ted,” offered senior sociology major Kevin Gill ’11. “He’s really just, like, one of the guys sometimes. Did you know he even comes out and smokes with us on break? He’ll be all, ‘Any of you guys have a light?’ and we’ll be like, ‘Oh, totally, Ted.’ Once we even joked about taking him to the Cove. Just a joke, though.” Despite his students’ qualms, Professor Karant’s devil-may-care attitude appears to have had no repercussions as of yet. Sociology majors and minors alike reported worrying that the college’s administration could bear down on the extremely cool man at any moment; in particular, many

Professor Ted Karant, in a muscle shirt.

Continued on page 4.

Fwom da fiwst widdle moment dat I waid eyes upon da Bowton Theatew’s stage dis past Fwiday evening, I suffowed what I would descwibe as a “Totow Cute Attack.” Awwmost, Maine, diwected by the incompawable Kevin Wich, had witerawy too many moments of cuteness to twanscwibe in full, and I know that I wasn’t the onwy one who fewt that way. When da widdle guy in the fiwst scene cupped that widdle snowbawl in his cute widdle hand and made a cute widdle ciwcle accompanied by a cute widdle whistle, I could feew my heawt mewt wight inside my chest. I wooked awound the woom duwing a pawticulawy adowabuw stage pictuwe, and I saw at least thwee othow people cwutching at theiw heawts, and sevewal othows in despewate need of a Kweenex. One moment that stwuck me in pawticuwer occuwed in the second act, during that scene with the two

wovewy chawactews (you know who I’m tawking about). When the pwetty wady whacked the widdle boy who couldn’t feew pain or love with that iwoning boawd, and he scweamed out when he wealized that he could feew it, I wost it. I was bawwing wike a newbown babe. Thewe was not a dwy eye in the house aftew that, and fow good weason. I weawy wovved the bewievabiwity of the chawactews. They wewe cute, they wewe awawe of it, and they wivved it. It was twuwy inspiwing. What was weawy, weawy inspiwing was to see such a concentwation of endeawing moments on one stage in one wondowfowl evening. — This piece is the pinnacow of pwaywiting, metaphoicawwy and witerawy. — Awwmost, Maine was a bweath of fwesh, adowable aiw, a bweath I am gwad I chose to bweathe. Wet this be a wesson to you, KCDC. We’ve aww seen Shakespeawe, we’ve all seen Pintew. Some of us have even had the pweasuwe of seeing the work of Womulus Winney. But why dust off those owd chestnuts when thewe awe much mo scwumptious awwtewnatives? Kenyon Cowwege is an enviwoment that weawy suppowts the wightew side of wife, and thewe awe times when evewybody needs a widdle pick-up. I know that I weawy was feewing down in the dumps befowe I saw the show, and it was wefweshing to witness such a dispway of puwe, unaduwtawated dewight at the Bowton Theatew.

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The Kenyon Fuck List: October Edition College Decreases Dependability
One Girl’s Freaky Story
Subject 1: Harry Locklear Memorable moment: I didn’t even have to try to take off his shirt . . . he was literally bursting out of his clothes. They were, like, in shreds on the ground. Pro: He was so into it that he couldn’t even wait until we got inside. He insisted we hook up under the full moon. He was practically howling with passion. Con: I took off his sweater only to reveal . . . yeah, another sweater. I mean, I’ve seen hairy guys, but this guy had hair on his eyelids. Seriously, we didn’t even bone. We just braided each other’s hair. Raw score: 6/10 Subject 2: Count Constantinescu Memorable moment: Standing outside of the Cove with the Count and few of his friends: “She’s so mortal, guys. She’s got this warm blood under her skin . . . I can tell. So hot. Her blood is so hot.” Pro: Foreign . . . Transylvanians are SO mysterious. Plus, he’s a biter . . . ouch ;) Con: Pretty weird personality. I have no problem when guys don’t sleep over, but leaving at 5:45 to “awoid ze rrretched sunlight” was a little bizarre. Also, I have no idea how he left . . . My door was locked. Raw score: 5/10 Subject 3: Jack Beelzebub Memorable moment: He took me to his sweet subterranean pad. This guy said he was a good angel, but we did some pretty naughty stuff. At one point the ground totally opened up, and I had sex with a bunch of guys he called his “minions.” Pro: It was so hot. He had, like, no inhibitions. He pillaged an entire village just so we could have sex on their guarded pagan altar. He totally wanted it. Con: It was so hot . . . literally. My flesh was totally searing, and his dog started to eat it. Gross. Raw score: 6.66/10 By Clams Casino GAMBIER — According to a study conducted by the Office of Student Affairs over the last month, Kenyon’s dependability has decreased to 30% from last year’s 60%. This change is startling news on campus, especially for the Campus Slackers’ Collective (CSC), whose members have been eager to cut down on dependability for years. CSC President Cameron Norwich ’11 spoke out at a special assembly on Monday, saying, “We’re really glad to see the lasting change our organization can accomplish in lowering standards of reliability.” The effects of the change have been visible all over campus. “My best friend Sam was supposed to meet me here for coffee at three,” reported Kenny Oleander ’13 from a booth at Middle Ground. “Then at like four o’clock he texted me like, ‘Sorry, I’ve been masturbating for two hours and I can’t stop,’ and I texted him back like, ‘Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow in class.’ You can’t call someone out on being a flake when they tell you that they’re choosing an afternoon of manually bolstering self-esteem over friendship.” The dramatic abatement of reliability affects both students and faculty. “I assigned a paper that was due the second week of classes that I just returned last Tuesday,” admitted Associate Professor of Anthropology Zella Horowitz. “I told them that

I couldn’t figure out how to do the electronic grading. In the past, the students have praised me for how quickly I return papers. But this year? Miss Paws tinkled all over a pile of midterms and I told my students it was spilled coffee. I just don’t give a shit.” One of the starkest and most pervasive reminders of the change is the appearance of Middle Path. “Usually I keep all my leaves on for Family Weekend,” confessed one of the mighty oaks that line the gravel pathway, “but this fall I just couldn’t keep my act together. I hit the ethylene. Hard. I lost my first leaf in early September. I can’t remember what happened after that.” While some of the concern over the change is merely aesthetic in nature, students have expressed concern for their health and diet due to the decreased reliability of Peirce Servery. “The yogurt has always been unpredictable,” cited Amnei Cho ’12. “Some days it’s all runny, some days it’s firm as can be. But now the ice cream machine can’t be trusted either: it’s got them shifty eyes . . .” CSC sees the recent developments as a victory for the organization. “The sudden change is absolutely unprecedented,” concluded Norwich in his Monday address. “We have no idea what caused such a dramatic shift, and we probably won’t get around to figuring it out until next semester.”

From ‘PEACO,’ page 1.
not normally taste like bacon right out of the basket. And the ones we get don’t usually rival tractor tires in their size either. I personally suspect GMO use,” said one junior who asked to remain anonymous. “I would say something about it, but I’m afraid of being waterboarded with apple butter.” Other clubs also expressed concern that the rise of PEACO might mean an extracurricular monopoly not seen since the days of the Kenyon Beekeeper Society of 1916. “Students flock to brunches and local food fests en masse, too full to write for the Collegian, too environmentally conscious to join the Young Republicans,” said Director of Student Activities Christina Mastrangelo. When asked to respond to these allegations, President Spaltino claimed that he would have to call us back because he was busy organizing a “very long, very mandatory nature hike” for members who questioned the actions of the organization “to increase group unity and move us closer to the glorious, locally-sourced future we all have in our hearts.”

CollegIaTe sTaff
Johannah Duggar . . . Sheridan Whiteside Jackson Levi Duggar . . . . . Diesel Jackson Jessa Lauren Duggar . . . . . Gordelo 3000 Josie Brooklyn Duggar . . . Charlie Adams John-David Duggar . . . . . . . . Ed Strictly Jinger Nicole Duggar . . . . . Granny Hayes Joseph Garrett Duggar . . Esteban Sinclaire Jordyn Duggar . . . . . Dingo Rockefeller Jedediah Robert Duggar . . . Jean Shortz Joy-Anna Duggar . . Beauregard Beauregard Josiah Duggar . . . . . . . . Clams Casino Jana Marie Duggar . . . Roy McKluskin’ James Duggar . . . . . . Helga G. Pataki Michele Duggar . . Ruth “Thundercat” Bubis Jimbob Duggar . . . Gunderson Threeply Jeremiah Robert Duggar . . . Boat Thorpe Joshua James Duggar . . . . Elgin Marbles Justin Duggar . . . . Barker D. Fluglehorn Jason Michael Duggar . . Ming Shei Huarez Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Collegiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO

From ‘Costume,’ page 1.
head as a hat,” said Harlington, holding up a hollow piece of fabric hacked off of the abdomen, faint specks of Nanjing’s dried sweat still visible on the red polyester fur. “Once I cut through the stitching, the body turned out to make a great top. Just look at this cleavage.” Harlington plans to debut the costume at this year’s all-campus Halloween party, where she will be joined by her two roommates dressed as sexy Snuffaluffagus and sexy Swedish Chef — the life-works of Truong Nhu Tang of the HwangjuMok province and Cho Huy Nguyen of the Nong Bua Lam Phu province, neither of whom could be reached for comment, as they were chained to their looms.

c ollegiate@kenyon.e d u

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Nice Weather Leads To Sightings Of Rare Quad Guitar Guys
By Gunderson Threeply FRESHMAN QUAD — Following unseasonably warm weather, residents of the first-year quad enjoyed a rare return of a flock of the endangered Quad Quitar Guy. Gund resident Marion Blump ’14 described what it was like co-existing with these noble beasts. “It’s been such a treat,” she said, “getting to walk out of my dorm every morning and see their faux-weathered guitars glinting in the morning sunlight. Sometimes I leave my window open all day just so I can hear all the different renditions of ‘Wonderwall.’ If you listen hard enough, you can hear the subtle differences in each Guitar Guy’s version.” “We haven’t even come close to cataloging all the different varieties of Quad Guitar Guy, so this is exciting for us as well,” explained Associate Professor of Biology Thurman LaMeaux. “Calls vary wildly in members of the Guitar Guy species too — anything from ‘Two Headed Boy’ to ‘The General,’ depending on what kind of mate a particular one is trying to attract.” Yet even with the sudden resurgence, these regal bipeds’ numbers have declined sharply in recent years, according to LaMeaux. “The main problem is that they’re having trouble finding mates these days. It’s not

From ‘Film,’ page 1.
her penchant for pretension into a screenplay. “You know that moment in Lost in Translation where you can’t hear what Bill Murray is whispering? I want to write a whole movie like that. It’s, like, how language is a failure and what’s really important is the mise-en-scene, you know? And cuts. And angles. Dutch angles.” Newly hired Professor of Film Jon Sherman plans to offer an introductory course in film theory this fall in which students will learn the building blocks of film snobbery. “I’m looking to give students a vocabulary to talk about film that really makes other people feel confused and inferior,” he said. “Our goal is for a student to be able to, say, meet a girl at a party, call her favorite movie ‘pretty conventional,’ invite her back to his room to watch Breathless, and really have something to say about Godard’s use of jump cuts before making a move. And if we‘ve done our jobs as educators, he’ll get to at least second base.”

for lack of trying. I once observed a Quad Guitar Guy go through an entire three–hour set — Jack Johnson, John Mayer and even some more obscure stuff like the Beta Band. Dozens of potential mates passed him by without so much as a glance. Without steady female encouragement, he’s going to get discouraged and turn his guitar in once and for all. It’s tragic to watch these little guys, knowing there’s nothing you can do to help them,” he added. “They’re majestic creatures,” said local farmer Elijah Winthrop, “just lovely. Normally ’round this time of year, you can’t so much as hear a G chord in the quad. Nowadays they’re all over the place.” Winthrop also recalled an encounter with a Quad Guitar Guy back in the fall of 1976: “Well I was walkin’

Three Quad Guitar Guys exhibiting rare pack behavior.

along the Gap Trail, an’ I hear a rustlin’ in the bushes. I take a step forward and outta the mist comes the most magnificent Quad Guitar Guy I ever lain eyes on: his guitar was real weathered, with bumper stickers all over it. He must’ve been a ten pointer at least. So he just looks at me, an’ I don’t so much as blink. We just stood there for a good five minutes before he took off back into the forest. I still get chills when I think about it. Shame to think that soon ain’t nobody gonna get to have an experience like that no more.” The fate of the Quad Guitar Guy remains far from certain, but for now, first years and upperclassmen alike content themselves with the mellow sounds of mangled E major chords and nervous singing of these august specimens.

From “Fuck,” page 2.
admitted to feeling anxiety over his performance on Parents’ Weekend, wherein the roguish lecturer made a possibly racy joke about Willie Nelson that only the dads laughed at. As of press time, despite that incident and others, Karant’s picture and ‘Pod Profile’ remain prominent on the Kenyon website’s front page.

Touring Comedy Group Mistaken for Citizen Militia
By Diesel Jackson PEIRCE PUB — The Upright Citizens Brigade comedy troupe was unexpectedly interrupted Sunday when confused military contractors stormed into the Peirce Pub during their highly anticipated comedy show. Sources confirmed that the militia belonged to the Ohio Defense Force, a military corporation that assists local and state Ohio governments, agencies, and law enforcement authorities in the myriad emergency situations that require a grassroots militia. “They marched in formation carrying semi-automatic rifles and sidearms,” reported Laurence O’Leen ‘11. “They also had a hostage, I think. One officer was also playing the Deliverance theme on a banjo.” The leader of the ODF’s southeastern Ohio sector, Cpt. Bob DuBois, assured sources that the ODF’s appearance at the comedy show was “nothing sinister.” “The event ‘Upright Citizen’s Brigade’ popped up in my newsfeed,” said Cpt. DuBois, chewing on a piece of varmint jerky. “We traveled up here thinking that some of these granola munchkins actually decided to man up and offer this great state some real service. Be willing to sacrifice the comfort of civilian life and be willing at any strike of the clock’s hands to put their blood into the soil!” “Turns out our intelligence was faulty,” he continued. “Then again, my wife Barbara has been a little out of it lately. I keep telling her that meatloaf can’t be pink in the middle. That just ain’t right, son.” According to audience members, the ODF invaded during the first half of the UCB set. Many, including Stephanie Keating ’12, were dumbfounded by the intrusion. “They just marched right up to the stage and told us to ‘stand at ease,’” reported the junior. “None of us knew what to do.” “They began handing out application forms and telling us about ‘the great honor of serving your country,’”

“They just marched right up to the stage and told us to ‘stand at ease.’”
said Alexander Jeager ’13. “I really started to get suspicious when I saw the forms were all hand-written.” The intrusion didn’t just alarm the students, but also Kenyon’s comedic guests. “We had no idea what was going on,” stated UCB member Molly Lloyd. “At first we thought the Fools were trying to mess with us. We asked them to lower their weapons and ex-

plained to them that we were a longform improv comedy group. And we let them know that citizen militias are so bourgeois. I mean, what is this? The French Revolution?” Lloyd stopped to chuckle. “We showed those boners.” “That female private has a lot of nerve talking down to a superior officer,” said DuBois. After the comedy troupe cleared the confusion, the ODF continued to baffle students by sitting down and watching the rest of the show. “Well, we Humvee’d all the way from Zanesville,” explained Cpt. DuBois, “so we thought we might as well stay and catch a glimpse of civilian fun. Made me miss life off duty. Almost.” “Loved that fat guy in the blue shirt, though,” he continued. “Great observational humor.”

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