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Having already established that men are basically lazy and entirely predictable, I

was surprised to receive numerous e-mail queries from female readers of my blog.
Apparently women are still trying to decode what they characterize as a mystifying
range of behaviors among the men in their lives, and surprisingly; women are
losing sleep over this.

As North American women seem bent on treating their male woes as an epic
quest for “the perfect relationship”, I was struck by the fact that many of the
questions seemed to revolve around trying to understand why men can’t be more like
women. Surely to God a man can simply open up and be honest about his hopes,
dreams and aspirations, right? Why can’t he convey his emotional underpinnings and
finally disclose what’s going on in his heart of hearts rather than his gonads?
Ladies, this isn’t rocket science. If you want to understand the reasons why men
often remain aloof when it comes to relationships, it’s not that difficult. Most
of your questions can be answered with five simple words: because we don’t think
about relationships.

Believe it or not, men spend more time each day thinking about the best route
home from work at rush-hour than they do contemplating the nature of their
relationship with women. For what reason you ask? Because that’s where the fridge
and television are located and you just happen to be one of the amenities in our
cave, that’s why. In short, it’s all about food, entertainment and sex -- that’s
what real men crave. The sooner you accept this genetic truth about men, the
easier your life will become. What’s that you ask? He was never like this when you
were dating? Why did he suddenly change?

Ahhh the “c” word. He changed so much after I had sex with him. He changed
once we got married. He changed once we had kids. Everyone say it with meaning
now… change.

The sad truth, ladies, is that men don’t change. We’re incapable of it. Sure we
manifested behaviors when we were dating you that no longer exist, but you have to
understand that it had nothing to do with you personally and everything to do with
acquiring you. Actually, it’s all about acquisition: whether it’s a new wide-
screen TV, a motor home or a promotion at work, men alter their behaviors to
acquire the things they don’t yet possess. It’s what motivates us. The primary
reason we’re not the same guy you met at the Starbucks in the mall is because we
already have you, and we’ve moved onto something else we want to obtain: it might
be a bigger house, a higher income or a new car. Still not sure? Here are the
questions I’ve received. The answers are in italics -- glean away ladies.

Dear Starbuck MacIntyre,

I have a crush on my co-worker. He's really the drive behind out sales department
and he’s unbelievably competitive to the point of being obnoxious if we don’t meet
our targets. This bugs me because he’s not my boss, he’s just a co-worker and he
makes me feel like he’s my boss. It’s starting to impact how I am performing and
sometimes I think he wants me to fail, as if he is trying to prove a point. At the
same time, he is really hot. I mean he dresses to kill, he’s got a sexy voice that
makes me melt whenever I hear him making a deal on the phone and I’ll admit it: I
made a pass at him at lunch the other day. Now here’s my problem. I gave him a
clear indication that I was interested and I totally flirted with him. He flirted
back and there was a definite air of sexual anticipation between us. Actually it’s
two questions. Am I wrong to be attracted to him and should I ask him out?
Lianne

Dear Lianne:

I hate to do this, but I’m going to answer your questions with my own
question. What do you want from this guy? The reason I am asking is because your
questions relate to whatever the heck you believe the end game of a prospective
dalliance with your co-worker might be. If you’re like most women, you’re probably
interested in dating him because you want a relationship, marriage, kids and a
white picket fence. That he flirted with you means that he’d like to screw your
brains out, so don’t read too much into it because he wants to screw all the women
in your sales department. Why? Because he can.

Why is he competitive to the point of being obnoxious? Two reasons: because


he can and to establish that he’s got a bigger dick than every male on in your
company. Hell, if he’s driving your sales department and he’s as successful as you
imply, he is likely using his charm, good looks and overbearing personality to
remain on top of the corporate totem pole. If you are looking for a quality man
who will give you the white picket fence, then you’ll probably want to look over
his cubicle at the slightly obese and balding man in the cubicle beside your hot
co-worker. You know the one -- he’s the guy with the Star Trek figures on his desk
and who wears a Lord of the Rings T-Shirt to your company Christmas party. That
guy never gets laid and will marry the first woman who puts out for him. He will
place that lucky girl on a pedestal, work one hundred hours a week and devote his
entire essence just to make her happy. He’s not sexy, but he’s a nice guy with a
little dick who will make you the center of his universe.

In short, you have a choice that speaks to your own values as a woman. Are
you shallow enough to date the fat ugly guy who will give you stability and
unconditional love or do you want to date the hottie with a big dick who will
cheat on you throughout your marriage? One final thing: how exactly can your co-
worker “make” you feel like he’s your boss, moreover; how can he “make” you feel
like anything? Aren’t our feelings of our own design?