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Published by Grant O'Neil

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Published by: Grant O'Neil on Jan 10, 2012
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Jokes

CONTENTS:
“...Believe it or Not!”................................................VII American Facts........................................................VII Arson........................................................................VII Bug Repellent...........................................................VII Suicide?..................................................................VIII Telephone Problem................................................VIII “...In a Galaxy Far, Far Away...”..............................IX Star Trek Chickens....................................................IX Star Trek Lost Episode..............................................IX Why the Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt in the Star Trek Universe....................................................................X All in a Day's Work.....................................................X Accountants................................................................X Administratium...........................................................X Archaeologists..........................................................XI Aviation.....................................................................XI
Blind Pilots.................................................................................XI

Bad Day at Work.......................................................XI Cannibals.................................................................XII Carpet Layer............................................................XII Cowboy....................................................................XII Credit Card Customer Service................................XII Doctor Doctor.........................................................XII
Cured.........................................................................................XII Doctor's Reports......................................................................XIII Gynaecologist..........................................................................XIII Heart Attack.............................................................................XIII Medical Terms.........................................................................XIII Mental Health Hotline.............................................................XIII Ol' Fred....................................................................................XIV Sleeping Pills...........................................................................XIV The Examination......................................................................XIV The History of Medicine..........................................................XIV Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery...................XIV Upset Stomach.........................................................................XIV

Employee Reports...................................................XIV Job Interviews..........................................................XV Letter from Internal Revenue.................................XVI Management...........................................................XVI
Bosses......................................................................................XVI Envelopes.................................................................................XVI Names.....................................................................................XVII

Military..................................................................XVII
Courage..................................................................................XVII F14 Tomcat.............................................................................XVII Military Humour...................................................................XVIII Military Warnings.................................................................XVIII Rum, Sodomy and Life Jackets..............................................XVIII

New Job At The Zoo...............................................XIX Office Idiots............................................................XIX Out of Office Auto-Replies.......................................XX Pirates......................................................................XX
The Seaman and the Pirate.......................................................XX

Prison vs. Work........................................................XX Reasons For Missing Work:...................................XXI
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Specifications..........................................................XXI Tool Definitions......................................................XXI Animals...................................................................XXII Bears.....................................................................XXII
Gonna Be a Bear....................................................................XXII

Cats.......................................................................XXII
Cat Physics.............................................................................XXII Cat Rules...............................................................................XXIII How to Clean Your Toilet.....................................................XXIII

Cockroach............................................................XXIII Dogs.....................................................................XXIII
Dog Property Laws...............................................................XXIII Dogs and Lightbulbs.............................................................XXIII Life Lessons Learned From A Dog:......................................XXIV Rules for Dogs.......................................................................XXIV Talking Dog...........................................................................XXIV Things Dogs Must Try To Remember....................................XXIV

Ducks.....................................................................XXV
Duck food................................................................................XXV Talking Duck...........................................................................XXV

Elephants...............................................................XXV
Elephant Hunting....................................................................XXV Recall.....................................................................................XXVI

New Dinosaur......................................................XXVI Pets.......................................................................XXVI Vampire Bat.........................................................XXVI Blonde Jokes........................................................XXVII Astrology.............................................................XXVII Attempted Suicide...............................................XXVII Blonde On The Sun.............................................XXVII Blonde Parking in the Winter.............................XXVII Blonde Pets.........................................................XXVII Call the Auto Club..............................................XXVII Computer Accessories........................................XXVII Driver..................................................................XXVII Exam...................................................................XXVII Fire....................................................................XXVIII In A Vacuum......................................................XXVIII Knitting..............................................................XXVIII Pilot...................................................................XXVIII Prison Escapees................................................XXVIII She Was So Blonde............................................XXVIII Short Ones.........................................................XXVIII Speeding Ticket....................................................XXIX The Blonde and the Lawyer.................................XXIX You're Next!.........................................................XXIX Computers.............................................................XXIX An Ode to Spelling Checkers...............................XXIX Bill Gates -v- GM.................................................XXIX Computer Company Toasters................................XXX Demo Version........................................................XXX DOS.......................................................................XXX Gender of Computers...........................................XXXI How to Improve Your Day...................................XXXI If Microsoft were in Alabama..............................XXXI Is Windows a Virus?............................................XXXI Microsoft TV Dinners..........................................XXXI
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MS-Girlfriend.....................................................XXXII Oldest Profession..............................................XXXIII Redneck Computer Glossary.............................XXXIII Technology Is Just Not For Everyone...............XXXIII The Daily Prayer...............................................XXXIV Virus Warnings..................................................XXXIV Windows 95 Defined...........................................XXXV Ethnic Jokes.........................................................XXXV Americans...........................................................XXXV
American Soldier..................................................................XXXV Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel..........XXXV Yankee Ingenuity.................................................................XXXVI

Antipodean Joke................................................XXXVI Aussie Tracker...................................................XXXVI Cultural Differences Explained.........................XXXVI Irish....................................................................XXXVI
Aerlingus.............................................................................XXXVI At the Pub............................................................................XXXVI Digging the Potato Patch..................................................XXXVII Irish Air Disaster...............................................................XXXVII Irish Cops..........................................................................XXXVII Lotto...................................................................................XXXVII Pay Rise.............................................................................XXXVII The Irish Guide To Medical Terms And Their Meanings..XXXVII

Jewish..............................................................XXXVIII
Chinese Jews....................................................................XXXVIII Jewish and Taiwanese Pilots...........................................XXXVIII Jewish Humour.................................................................XXXVIII Jewish Mothers.................................................................XXXVIII Mothers and Daughters......................................................XXXIX Three Samurai.....................................................................XXXIX

Mexican Bungee................................................XXXIX Wha's Like Us?..................................................XXXIX Family.........................................................................XL 10 Rules for Dating My Daughter...........................XL The Eight Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter....XL Boys and Girls........................................................XLI Children as Pets......................................................XLI Dad, Why Are We Here?.......................................XLII Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey............................XLII Fear......................................................................XLIII First Parent..........................................................XLIII Gross....................................................................XLIII Housework...........................................................XLIII How to Handle a Husband...................................XLIII I've Learned..........................................................XLIV Letter From Camp................................................XLIV Parent Poem.........................................................XLIV Parent Test.............................................................XLV Parent Training.....................................................XLV Somebody Said…..................................................XLVI The Housewife......................................................XLVI General Jokes......................................................XLVII A Good Deed.......................................................XLVII A Man’s Life........................................................XLVII A Twist on Philosophy........................................XLVII Answering Machine Funnies..............................XLVII Bad Luck............................................................XLVIII
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Beautiful Sound.................................................XLVIII Brain Surgeons.....................................................XLIX Bubba...................................................................XLIX Bumper Snickers (and other one-liners)..............XLIX Camping...............................................................LVIII Cartoon Physics...................................................LVIII Chimney Safety.......................................................LIX Chocolate................................................................LIX Corny........................................................................LX Cowboy Wisdom.......................................................LX Definitions................................................................LX Epitaphs..................................................................LXI Food Tips For Bachelors........................................LXI For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously...............LXII Groaners................................................................LXII Headlines.............................................................LXIII Healthy Lifestyle Hints.........................................LXIV History..................................................................LXIV House Cleaning....................................................LXVI How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace....................................................................................LXVI Not Stupid...........................................................LXVII Outsourcing........................................................LXVII Pet Rabbit...........................................................LXVII Rules for Living.................................................LXVIII So who’s the dumb one?....................................LXVIII Stress Relief.......................................................LXVIII Stupid.................................................................LXVIII Ten Again.............................................................LXIX The Dog and the Jeep...........................................LXIX Things You Would Never Know Without the MoviesLXIX Thoughts To Get You Through Almost Any Crisis LXX Three Bad Bikers...................................................LXX True or False?.......................................................LXX Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?..............LXXI Kids........................................................................LXXI Bedtime….............................................................LXXI Children..............................................................LXXII Dear God............................................................LXXII From the Mouths of Babes................................LXXIII Kids....................................................................LXXIV Kids Views on Love............................................LXXIV Kids Views on Marriage.....................................LXXV Kids Wisdom......................................................LXXVI Learnt From Kids.............................................LXXVII Little Johnny’s Bike..........................................LXXVII The Middle Wife...............................................LXXVII When You Thought I Wasn't Looking..............LXXVIII Language.........................................................LXXVIII 10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should..........LXXVIII Anagrams........................................................LXXVIII Bad Puns............................................................LXXIX English Lesson....................................................LXXX EuroEnglish........................................................LXXX
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Health Secret.....................................................LXXXI International English.........................................LXXXI Learning Chinese.............................................LXXXII Some Thoughts On The English Language......LXXXII The English Language......................................LXXXII It’s Academic...................................................LXXXIII Bribery............................................................LXXXIII Dark Suckers...................................................LXXXIII Exam Answers.................................................LXXXIII Exams..............................................................LXXXIV Flagpole..........................................................LXXXIV How Gullible Are We?....................................LXXXIV Late for Exam…................................................LXXXV Rabbit Thesis....................................................LXXXV Talking Clock....................................................LXXXV Lightbulb Jokes................................................LXXXV Murphy's Laws............................................LXXXVIII Murphy’s Laws.............................................LXXXVIII Murphy’s Laws of Combat...........................LXXXVIII Order in the Court..........................................LXXXIX Anglicare.........................................................LXXXIX Court Transquips.............................................LXXXIX Farmer Joe.............................................................XCI Lawyers..................................................................XCI
How Not to Question a Witness...............................................XCI Lawyer Jokes..........................................................................XCII

Lightbulb...............................................................XCII Would You Please Clarify That?..........................XCII Police Jokes.............................................................XCII 5 Soldiers 6 Police 0 Brains.................................XCII 911 Calls..............................................................XCIII How to impress a cop..........................................XCIII Klutzy Crook........................................................XCIII Murpy’s Laws of Policing...................................XCIII New Age Constables..............................................XCV Nuns Driving........................................................XCVI Pick Your Target..................................................XCVI Police Reports....................................................XCVII Police Training...................................................XCVII Radar..................................................................XCVII Recruit...............................................................XCVIII Rookie Cop........................................................XCVIII Rookies vs. Veterans.........................................XCVIII Stupid Bank Robbers............................................XCIX Things not to say to a nice traffic officer.............XCIX Three Times A Loser..................................................C Political Jokes...............................................................C Entry Into Heaven......................................................C Politics and Cows......................................................C Practical Jokes.............................................................C Religious Jokes...........................................................CI
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Atheist.......................................................................CI Bran Muffins............................................................CII Church Bulletins......................................................CII Driving Permit.........................................................CII Ecumenical Light Bulb Changing...........................CII Getting to Heaven..................................................CIII Heaven...................................................................CIII Honesty..................................................................CIII Jewish Maths..........................................................CIII Life Begins.............................................................CIII Modern Noah.........................................................CIII Pope........................................................................CIV Rabbis.....................................................................CIV Theology of Toys......................................................CV Seasonal......................................................................CV Christmas.................................................................CV
12 Days of Christmas (90s Version).........................................CV Politically Correct Christmas...................................................CV SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer's Perspective............................CVI Santa’s Downsizing.................................................................CVI X(mas) File.............................................................................CVII

Thanksgiving........................................................CVIII Senior Life.............................................................CVIII Harvey and Gladys..............................................CVIII New Barbie..........................................................CVIII Old Pilots.............................................................CVIII Senior Moments......................................................CIX Why God Invented Menopause...............................CIX Sports........................................................................CIX Exercise..................................................................CIX The Battle of the Sexes............................................CIX Chemistry...............................................................CIX Dictionary of Dating................................................CX Differences...............................................................CX Drive-up ATMs.......................................................CXI Garden of Eden......................................................CXI Haircuts..................................................................CXI How to Handle a Husband.....................................CXI Male Answer Syndrome........................................CXII Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus....CXII Oil Change...........................................................CXIV Pleasing Women..................................................CXIV Reasons God Created Eve.....................................CXV The Rules...............................................................CXV The Silent Treatment.............................................CXV Training Courses for Men.....................................CXV Why Are Men Happier.........................................CXVI Women Or Bridges..............................................CXVI Women's Compact Instruction Book....................CXVI Thoughts to Ponder..............................................CXVI Quotable Quotes..................................................CXVI Things that make you go, “Hmmm...”.................CXIX

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. the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable. The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ. and Elvis Presley. 43. Richard Nixon. 42. 32. an island nation in the Western Pacific. 13. 22. The sound of E. and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire. 7. the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.“. women manage the money and pay the bills.. 26. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. When snakes are born with two heads. 4. a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die. 14. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music. An average person laughs about 15 times a day. 40. there are fewer people than there are automobiles.Bhutan.made originally of linen .C. 10. he poured ice water over his head. Jokes 34. 12. 31. Within a month. In 1980. Cuitlahac. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other weather. 44. Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star. they fight each other for food. 24. 33.” The insurance company refused to pay. 38. whose name meant “plenty of excrement. the insurance company had him arrested. 8. 17. 45. In his claim. 5. 23.p.. Every person has a unique tongue print. insured them against. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee. and had only recently moved to Florida. 19.was invented in the early 1500's. Pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets. during W. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it. 18. In 75% of American households. In delivering his ruling. 39. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is. 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.” it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. however. About 70 percent of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego. 25. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6. having purchased a case of very rare. The man sued. and won. Bug Repellent from Bill Love I was in high school in 1972. North Carolina man. 47. 27. 46.600 in 1992. (Hence.Believe it or Not!” American Facts 1. there was only one country in the world with no telephones . Most lipstick contains fish scales. 9. 28. Women's hearts beat faster than men's. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.” 48. 6. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages. 29. used by Egyptians in 2000 B. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas. Indiana.. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. Bubble gum contains rubber.” After the man cashed his check. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music. the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head. His parents thought he might be retarded. In 1980. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello. male college students believe life is “a meaningless existential hell. get this.” 50. Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew. It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas. Page 7 . Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does. very expensive cigars. it can live for several weeks. on 24 counts of arson. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year. 37. 27 percent of U. The condom ..h. 49. Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.T. without defining what it considered to be “unacceptable fire. 15. In Kentucky. Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.000 for the rare cigars he lost in “the fires.W. 30. and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy. 36. citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.S. 16. the light bulb?) Arson Why the court system is so bogged down: A Charlotte.. fire. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.. 11. In Los Angeles. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung... 20. Some toothpaste contains antifreeze. 41. 21.I 3. Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him. the man stated that he had lost the cigars in “a series of small fires. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns. having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars. 35. Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991. 2. the man filed a claim against the insurance company. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru.

I thought I was on fire. “No.One summer evening I took a drive across Alligator Alley. The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide. she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend. Ordinarily. he completely missed his wife and pellets went through the window striking Opus. Her phone rang. the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. and hop off to grab it.” Leola said. Leola decided to take matters into her own hands. The phone company was not helpful. “No problem. grabbed the aerosol canister. In a hurry. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. I figured the best way to do it would be to sit on the car hood while my friend drove slowly along. Few supplies were needed for this mini-expedition: a pillow sack to hold the snakes and a flashlight to spot them. How many nights?” A few hours later Dallas checked in. Yow! Suddenly the foam of a thousand scrubbing bubbles was frying my skin. The mosquitoes would probably be thick again. but couldn't guess the reason as I ran to the nearby canal and jumped in. He was so upset that. My family kept the bug spray in the dark storage area under the kitchen sink. but only if you change the telephone number. had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. When I spied a snake. There was an exquisite twist. and zoomed down to the 'Glades. When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt. “There's no charge for valet parking. I'd pound on the hood to alert my pal. either. He shone his flashlight on its label. one is guilty of the murder of subject B. A number was a number. The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). People kept showing up for weddings. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. had a serious telephone problem. “We'll take it. and an executive from Marriott said. one Ronald Opus. hunting for snakes has been a lifelong passion. The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. In the morning. the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June. After her pleas fell on deaf ears. That is. so I'd bring plenty of repellent. “We're prepared to offer you $200. she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number. only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window. Dr. then the other.. When confronted with this charge. As he fell past the ninth floor. which killed him instantly. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.000 for the motel. From the moment the motel opened. but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers. his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window. knowing the propensity of this father to use the shotgun threateningly. Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. and after some intense rubbing I finally limped back to the car. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23. Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. I couldn't wait to start the hunt. Tenn. Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. Mills continued.. along with many other common household products. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. I saw so many snakes crossing the pavement that I decided to return the next night to collect some. The skin on my thighs eventually sloughed off and healed.” Suicide? On 23 March 1994. Further investigation revealed that the son.” The next day was a busy one for Leola. too. and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.. Telephone Problem Leola Starling of Ribrock. I did pause long enough to holler to my friend to toss me the spray. bar mitzvahs. I applied copious amounts to first one thigh. the gun had been accidentally loaded. the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Despite this incident.J. My friend was laughing his ass off as he handed me the aerosol can I had dropped in my haste. Then. Leolo said.. the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area. Leola was besieged by calls not for her. That industrial strength bug repellent was so powerful. the highway traversing the Everglades in southern Florida. hoping a large 'gator wasn't parked there at the moment. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.. when he pulled the trigger. Jokes son's financial support and the son. a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II. “We trust you. that won't be necessary. it would probably have driven off hungry alligators! It was Easy-OFF oven cleaner. Naturally. neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened. The water eased the pain. Once again Leola was helpful. the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds. Since she had the same phone number for years. even though the mechanism might not be what he intended.” Within a few months. Simpson trial. He had no intention to murder her therefore. Then the question of valet parking came up. loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. I spied the familiar letters O-F-F. But since I was wearing shorts. At 9 o'clock the phone rang. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her Page 8 .” Leola replied. But unlike most people she did something about it.

was it fully functional? Chekov: It must have been on its way to assist in saving my life for the billionth time. Worf: I don't know..you CHICKEN bastard.. All I know is that it would have been nice. I'm not really familiar with the chickens in this system. The chicken will be assimilated. I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. I think that.YOU chicken BASTARD.” GEORDI presses a key. Captain..I'm sure we can work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will be to everyone's satisfaction.. but I'm sure it must be Quark's fault. We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions. Data. Captain.say. Harry Mudd: Chicken? I don't remember any chicken. V'Ger: To join with the Creator. Sulu: Don't call me Tiny! Sarek: Sometimes logic fails me where chickens are concerned.” PICARD: “Data.. but I know how: with pleasure. Far Away.. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea. do you see what we've learned from all this? Geordi: Well.. Janeway: Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant. and a logo appears on the computer screen.. sir.. I'm sure it'll have more luck with women than I do. if it had remembered to turn me off! Dr. but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal whootchacallit on the computers and. but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of. Tuvok: That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior officer. Captain. it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. Nurse Chapel: Oh. I can cook it. Neelix: Actually..” DATA: “Sir. Hugh the Borg: Maybe it just needed a big hug! B'Elanna: I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the bleeping regulations of bleeping Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer! Picard: There are four lights! Q: Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't be able to comprehend the answer. Commander. Once inside their root command unit. HoloDoc: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. did I scream this time? Khan: With my last breath I spit at the chicken. have you been able to access their command pathway?” GEORDI: “Yes. Jake. through the Borg command pathways.. that's a lovely shirt you're wearing. Star Trek Lost Episode PICARD: “Mr.and then there's... I'll get right on it.. In fact.” Star Trek Chickens WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? Chakotay: Whatever its reason. But. Tobin I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue. We will send this program. scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we missed. Riker: I don't know why..” GEORDI: “Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate. Kes: It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped using them! O'Brien: No problem. Bones: Dammit.. Sisko: It was seeking deeper meaning. it's my first mission. Kurzon might have disagreed with me. not an ornithologist! Data: The chicken. we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.. DATA: “Captain. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards. Homn: Dax: To get to the other side... you killed. Wesley: I'm not sure.. Scotty: Because she couldna take much morrrrrre... sir? Tasha: That depends. Spock! Lwaxana: Oh. you killed my son. KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads. we should respect its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness. 15 Minutes Later. The Borg: Crossing the road is irrelevant.. I didn't even know we added chickens to the crew.and it probably misses its dog. Odo: I don't know.son! Troi: I feel the chicken's pain! Kira: It was probably being chased by those cursed Cardassians.. No no no... Uhura: Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it... But when 'Windows' detects this. was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by an kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle. have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Page 9 Jokes The Grand Nagus: Stupid chicken! You don't cross the road all at once! You sneak across it quietly. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'. it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.” PICARD: “Excellent work... Captain. that's a very interesting question. in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway. Harry: I don't know. there must be something wrong with the universe. RIKER looks puzzled: “What the hell is a 'Microsoft'?” DATA turns to answer: “Allow me to explain.” . Quark: Who. me? Kirk: You chicken bastard. but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase.” . Mr. yes. without anyone noticing! Gul Dukat: Well..my SON. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?” DATA: “Yes. It makes the junior officers nervous.” PICARD: “But the Borg have the ability to adapt. there's been a terrible misunderstanding.In a Galaxy Far. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration..youkilledmy. sir. Crusher: If there's nothing wrong with the chicken. BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road. wherever it's going. if you can catch it. Jean-Luc! Spock: Fascinating.. Paris: Well..“.... I'm a doctor. LaForge. for some reason called 'Windows'. whatever its goals.

” RIKER: “They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with pieces of paper. The business man asked him. and wearing Armani suits!” RIKER and PICARD together horrified: “LAWYERS!!!” GEORDI: “It can't be.. Picard looked like hell.001. All in a Day's Work Accountants A fellow has been learning to be a balloonist and takes his first solo flight. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!” PICARD: “Data.Jokes RIKER: “Captain we have no choice.” GEORDI: “Captain. Administratium A NEW ELEMENT IS DISCOVERED The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major US research university. two and two was proven to be four. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice. dusts himself off and says to the motorist.” RIKER: “They're tearing the Borg to pieces!” PICARD: “Turn off the monitors. He asked each applicant the question. His answer was “twentytwo.” PICARD: “How much time will that buy us?” DATA: “Current Borg solutions rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours. Luckily he is unhurt. named ADMINISTRATIUM”. Captain. closed it then came back and sat down. He is in a paddock close to a road but has no idea where he is. It is behind you and about to attack you.” DATA: “I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' -.” GEORDI. “The information you gave me was detailed. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job.” DATA “The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects. “You have just landed in your balloon and with this wind you have obviously been blown off course. if ever. says the other man. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters. went over to the door. “What is two and two?” The first interviewee was a journalist. Page 10 . “How much do you want it to be?” He got the job. He sees a car coming along the road and hails it. excited: “Wait. says the balloonist.The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie. he is blown off course and is forced to land. but apparently some must have survived. Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power --. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.” PICARD: “Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!” RIKER: “Good God Captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive deep space?!” DATA: “I don't believe that those are humans sir.999 and 4. “Yes. The last applicant was an accountant.it often proves fatal. not even the Borg deserve that. “How much is two and two?” The accountant got up from his chair. The driver gets out and the balloonist says. if you look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases.Han Solo floors it.a known deadly poison. “Good Grief”. of course”. You are in the top paddock on John Dawson's farm. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY. says the motorist. appears to be very closely related to BUREAUCRATIUM . “ “ADMINISTRATIUM” has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of O.” RIKER: “Geordi.” One word: Lightsabers.After pithy Cardassian starvation torture.” DATA: “It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo!” Over the speakers: “THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. can you tell me where I am?'. “G'day mate.” DATA: “True. There is a bull in the paddock. what do scanners show?” DATA: “Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity.” At that moment the bull reaches the balloonist and tosses him over the fence. The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class “M” or not. How did you know that?” “I employ accountants”. Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable --. He gets up. but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft Fun-Pack'. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance. Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld). “you're right. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v.” The second applicant was an engineer. tentatively. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named “Slave I”. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp --.5 kilometres from Condobolin.” PICARD: “Let's wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their functionality. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F. 13. Unfortunately the wind gets up. The element. “I see you're an accountant”. The next person was a lawyer. Why the Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt in the Star Trek Universe In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely. precise and accurate. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening. I can't stand to watch.” PICARD: “Identify.” A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. Most of it was useless and it arrived far too late to be of any help. set on “stun”. John will be ploughing the paddock next week and sowing wheat. another vessel has entered our sector. what's the status of the Borg?” GEORDI: “As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands.

administratium is inert. As you know. large corporations. When I scratched what I thought was an itch. I pulled the hose out from my back. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.one neutron. and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. who was sponsoring a “worst job experience” contest. She then sent it to The X.000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die. best appointed. but from right to left. However. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if they had a famine hit the earth. it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. Bob. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately THREE YEARS. OCCURRENCES Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. Hi Sue. In the cockpit. but the men enter the cockpit. my butt started to itch. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage.Upon initial inspection. “I object to every word. which means they even had tools to help them. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. A Star of David They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. I realized what had happened.” Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said. when I get to the bottom and start working..75 vice neutrons and . but the damage was done. The passengers begin glancing nervously around. 103. since I don't have any hair on my back. and soon all retreat into their magazines. This $20. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. so. vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right.. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies. one is using a guide dog. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. my office lies at the bottom of the sea. is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. but results to date are not promising. A donkey 3. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. Dig The Ass On That Woman!” Aviation Blind Pilots Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane Both are wearing dark glasses. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. whereby the food didn't grow. Last week I had a bad day at the office. the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. It now says: “Holy Mackerel. However. which is taped to the air hose. It heats it to a delightful temperature. A shovel 4. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. So what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel powered industrial water heater. According to the discoverers. one of these days.. In agony. Everything was going well until all of a sudden. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance. This only made things worse. I wear a suit to the office. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually INCREASES after each reorganization.think of this guy. Jokes The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews. .125 assistant neutrons. A fish 5. at which time it does not decay.. a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second. Before I can tell you what happened to me. one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says. “I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose. secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. they would take to the sea for food. * It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called PEONS. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin. the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort. but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons. Now. as the next symbol resembles a donkey.” The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said. A woman 2. So. What I do. and best maintained buildings. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. and the engines start up. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. and I've used it several times with no complaints.111 assistant vice neutrons. it does have: . she won.. I scratched it. I know you've been feeling down lately at work.. 1. they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. It can usually be found in the newest. None is forthcoming. Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. panicked screams fill the cabin. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly. look again. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's a wetsuit. . First of all. searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. This time of year the water is quite cool. the door closes. I was Archaeologists A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Now. which together gives it an atomic mass of 312. At that moment. Since it has no electrons. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. Page 11 . Needless to say. of course. The President of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: “This looks like a woman. and universities. so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. You can also tell they were intelligent. PROPERTIES * These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called MORONS. Now this sounds like a darn good plan. however.” Bad Day at Work Next time you have a bad day at work.2 on your FM dial in Ft Wayne IN. “You know.

No one answered. ) Bank: “Our system just isn't setup for death” Me: “Oh.. think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. the leader of the cannibals said to the others. there is something seriously wrong. now was somewhere around $60.... He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.. ''if only I could find my parakeet..and so easy to see happening. great! If not. “Say partner. and I'm satisfied with you. the part about her being dead?” Bank: “Sir. I love my job. you should turn it over to collections” Bank: “Since it is 2 months past due.. what did happen in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said. was a bump. I love my job. The bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card.. Page 12 ...” Me: “ ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. After the boss had left. you could just keep billing her. to which the leader of the cannibals continued..” Bank: “Well.” ( Fax number is given ) ( After they get the fax. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.the balance had been $0. Do any of you know what happened to her?” The cannibals all shook their heads no. Needless to say... “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. but noooooo.. she burst out. you'll have to speak to my supervisor!” (Supervisor gets on the phone) Me: ''I'm calling to tell you. “Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?” A hand rose hesitantly.” Bank: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply. under the carpet. walked outside. it already has been. the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers....” Me: “Well.00 I placed the following phone call to the bank: Me: “I am calling to tell you that she died in January. but please don't eat any of the other employees”. along with 5 other divers. In the middle of the room.I suppose.. what will they do when they find out she is dead?” Bank: “Either report her account to the frauds division.. I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. were all laughing hysterically.” Bank: “I don't know what more I can do to help. When I arrived at the surface. When he finished. ) Bank: “Could you fax us a certificate of death?” Me: “Sure. customer service being what it is. ''I found them in the hallway. “Who stole my horse?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.(stammer)” . handling him his pack of cigarettes..'' Cowboy A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink... “I love my job.'' she said. the lady came in.the late fees and charges do still apply. that's a cemetery!” Me: “What do you do with dead people on your planet? Cannibals A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. “You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything. with tears of laughter running down his face. “You're all working very hard. “I had to walk home!” Credit Card Customer Service Motto: Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.'' she said.00.. she died in January.. “You are all part of our team now”. i! f you figure it out.. and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.” If you are not laughing by now..actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt... catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.” Bank: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply. Jokes The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked. The cream put the fire out. “Are you her lawyer?” Me: “No.'' ''Now.. I'm her great nephew. “I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished. you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!! Carpet Layer A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady....” Me: “'Would you like her new billing address?” Bank: “That might help.. He comes back into the bar. ) Bank: “Sir. said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing... He had another beer. he found his horse had been stolen. She was seen by one of the new doctors. his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town...?” Me: “Did you just get what I was telling you. He stepped out for a smoke. but after about 4 minutes in the examination room. As he was cleaning up.. As I climbed out of the water. and sure enough.. handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber...... His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he. My Aunt died this past January. the medic.” Me: “You mean you want to collect from her estate?” Bank: “.. So. Now. one of our secretaries has disappeared.'' he said to himself.” Me: “Maybe. The cannibals promised they would not. handily flips his gun into the air.” (Lawyer info given. I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!” Some of the locals shifted restlessly. Doctor Doctor Cured A woman went to the doctors office. This is just so priceless. Unfortunately..” Me: “So. ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes. only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.excuse me . next time you're having a bad day at work. screaming as she ran down the hall. ''Here. Four weeks later their boss remarked. or report her to the credit bureau maybe both!” Me: “Do you think God will be mad at her?” Bank:”.don't really think she will care.. I aborted the dive. However. repeat to yourself... but I couldn't poop for 2 days because my butthole was swollen shut.

“Now. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. If you have amnesia. He never really wanted to be a gynaecologist. “but we've never had anyone do it through the exhaust pipe before. she has four grown children and seven grandchildren. she seems ready and anxious. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. said the examiner. fix it. press 8 and state your name. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me. breast augmentation.” Mental Health Hotline Answering Machine at a Mental Hospital. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.” “OK. telephone number. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. social security number. The patient has no past history of suicides. I can take it. He had her sit down and relax in another room. Healthy-appearing. By the time he was admitted. etc.” “Well. Terry is 63 years old. “I didn't recognize you. She also appears to be depressed. and you told her she was pregnant?” The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. it doesn't matter which number you press. If you have multiple personalities. The patient will need disposition. Heart Attack A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. “What's the matter with you? Mrs. If you are a manic-depressive. didn't I ?” Jokes So. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. If you have bi-polar disorder. Surely there had been a mistake? He went to see his examiner who happily told him no. What he really wanted to be was a motor mechanic. “there were other blokes there who did the job just as well as I did. liposuction." If you are obsessive-compulsive. please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. The patient refused an autopsy.” “But”. During that experience she sees God and ask if this is it.” said the man. said the gynaecologist. Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.D. She has had no rigors or shaking chills. tummy tuck. Blank to dispose of him. If you are co-dependent. he finally went and did what he wanted.An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was. After his first practical exam. pull it apart. "Hello. The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.” Doctor's Reports The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. press 3. put it back together and get it running. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. and date of birth. Please wait for the beep. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded. I will be happy to go into her GI system. . The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. She arrives in front of God and complains: “I thought you said I had another 30 years. You did that so well. but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. decrepit 69 year old male. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer. If you have short-term memory loss. he enrolled in a night-school course in motor mechanics. please ask someone to press 2 for you. “you're just lazy. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. 5. he'd been pushed into medical school by his ambitious parents. and welcome to the mental health hotline. he said. “But how can that be?” asked the gynaecologist. in plain English. If you are delusional. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift. Doc. press 9. mentally alert but forgetful.” “Yes”. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife. “You had to find the faults in that engine. his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better. he was surprised to see his mark was 150 out of 100.. If you are schizophrenic. no one will answer. for the Journal of Court Reporting. 4. Ph. Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency. and then. and she explained. If you have short-term memory loss.” Medical Terms The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. address. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. “Cured her hiccups though. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. press 9.” the doctor replied. God replies. but he's not happy. and therefore we will get Dr. When the examination was complete. The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints. Page 13 Gynaecologist This bloke is a gynaecologist. press 1 repeatedly. and your mother's maiden name. they should fall to the floor. said the examiner. we know who you are and what you want. The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. you got 150 out of 100. The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. and 6. he had indeed got 150%. If you are paranoid. when he was rich and successful. The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. “Well”. when he stands with the help of his wife.

That root is heathen. as he was finishing the message. looking worse than ever. . . press 9.” He opened the note. Let's give it a shot. take this antibiotic. . The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper. 1985 A. This is truly a freak of nature. lie down and cry. If you are menopausal. eat this root. Here. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time. 1000 A. He said. press 9.. there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em. She's gonna blow. right? What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?! I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.” “Great... now take a picture from this angle.” A few weeks later the man returned.” he said to Bernie. “but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!!!” Upset Stomach A man walks into his doctor's office and says. drink this potion.” answered the man wearily.” A voice from the man's stomach says. Everybody take cover. please hang up. I think it is sharp enough.” “This employee is really not so much of a has-been. If you have short-term memory loss. Oops! Hey. If you have low self-esteem. but knowing Fred. you're standing on my oxygen tube!” Sleeping Pills An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office.Jokes If you have short-term memory loss. you haven't. did this patient sign an organ donation card? Don't worry.” Bo! Bo! Come back with that. “Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. Doc. O Great Lord of Darkness.That potion is snake oil. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?! Well folks. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!” “That may be true. “Doctor. he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. 1850 A. As the preacher stood next to the bed. rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. You won't be crazy forever. and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note.” “Me neither. They bark all day and all night. swallow this pill. “but I don't like the way your wife looks at all. if this is his spleen.” replied Bernie.” “I would not allow this employee to breed.D. Better call the janitor .” the doctor answered. “No. Here. I'm more tired than before!” “I don't understand how that could be”. “I don't want to alarm you. “But she's a great cook and real good with the kids. The floor's clean. Anyone see where I left that scalpel? And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.Here. I haven't looked at it.D. Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. and I can't get a wink of sleep. it seems that it is only to change feet. then he died. Sterile schmerile. What do you mean “You want a divorce?!?” Don't worry. Here. then what's that? Hand me that.” “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. am I correct? Nurse. that thingy there.That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. hang up. 2000 A. turn on the fan. I've eaten something that disagrees with me.” “This young lady has delusions of adequacy. “Hey.That pill is ineffective. Here. there are dogs all over my neighborhood. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! Ol' Fred Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital. say this prayer.That prayer is superstition. near death. Here. The family called their preacher to stand with them. Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. At the funeral.” “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all.” the man answered. shaking his head.we're going to need a mop. If you are blonde.” “When she opens her mouth. .” Employee Reports “Since my last report. . OK. This patient has already had some kids. 1940 A. this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. We'll need it for the autopsy. “Doctor. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.” “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.” The Examination Dr. this will be an experiment for all of us.D. your plan is no good.” Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating.. you'll just mess it up! “Accept this sacrifice. “Doc. A few of these and your trouble will be over. What's this doing here? I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.C. Oh no! Where's my Rolex.D. “I'll try anything. said the doctor. Page 14 .” The History of Medicine 2000 B. Bad dog! Wait a minute. I think it is sharp enough. has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before? There go the lights again? “Ya know.. eat this root. it's throwing off my concentration. uh. that uh. but more of a definite won't be. please don't press any buttons.. .” “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. That's cool. Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery Better save that. Willis finished examining Matilda and went into the hallway to talk to her husband Bernie. and read. so he placed it in his jacket pocket.” “I have good news for you. “You know.D.

and the sooner he starts. He didn't want it to get stolen. Candidate kept giggling through serious interview. like nothing had happened. Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job.” “It's hard to believe that he beat out 1.” “A prime candidate for natural de-selection. While I was on a long-distance phone call. he stood up and started tap dancing around my office. She threw-up on my desk. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview. he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day. we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. “He doesn't have ulcers. an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. Returned to office a few minutes later.” “Got a full 6-pack. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much. and this was the time. I had to call the police.” “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. Said if he were hired. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal. His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled. but later found out there was no other job offer. “l assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further. Don't interrupt. He then reached down to the case. It was a scam to get a higher offer.” “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.” “If you see two people talking and one looks bored. When I asked him about his hobbies. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles. but I did need to get a new desk. Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions. Without saying a word. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him. but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.” “When his IQ reaches 50. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus. but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one. He took off his right shoe and sock. he asked if she was home now and wanted his phone number. but the train isn't coming.” “Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it. the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse. He took it out. removed a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. It was from his wife. Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.” “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room. and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.” Jokes Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president. Disbelieving. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. While he was putting back the shoe and sock.” “The wheel is turning. Took a brush out of my purse. Asked who the lovely babe was. Page 15 . An applicant came in wearing only one shoe.” “If he were any more stupid. you'd get change. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.” “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. Don't fidget. stopping longest at the centerfold. and immediately started asking questions about the job.” “If you give him a penny for his thoughts. He whistled when the interviewer was talking. A telephone call came in for the job applicant.“This employee should go far. No one was injured. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't belch.000 other sperm. And. it would prove that the company's management was incompetent.” “He would argue with a signpost. flipped a switch and ran. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.” I didn't hire him. Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. The lowlights: Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn't get the job. but the hamster is dead. Job Interviews We've all been interviewed for jobs. Brought her large dog to the interview. Don't bite your nails. the bomb would go off.” “Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes. he's the other one.” “Gates are down.” “If you stand close enough to him. apologized and said he had to leave for another interview. revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume. brushed his hair and left. but he's a carrier. he only gargled. pointing to the picture on my desk. I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police.” “A gross ignoramus -. he said that if he was not hired. His side of the conversation went like this: “Which company? When do l start? What's the salary?” I said. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.” “He's been working with glue too much.” “One neuron short of a synapse. wearing a hairpiece. and looked through the photos only. shut it off. I called security.144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. the lights are flashing. During the interview.” “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. you can hear the ocean.” He promptly responded. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time. he should sell. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.000. When I said it was my wife. he'd have to be watered twice a week. If we did any of the don'ts. candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview. the better. “I am as long as you'll pay me more.

. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions. sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. and quit. My new Boss is a bastard. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. May I suggest that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.” he said. temporary dye.” A direct quote from the Boss: “We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired.” A motivational sign at work: “The beatings will continue until morale improves. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain. vehicles. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. That's because it's unfamiliar territory. I've had my suspicions about this one. Most people under twenty understand the curious patios she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd / reggae / yuppie / political doublespeak. Oh yes. While you mull that over. “I didn't say it was your fault. They are evil and expensive. My Boss needs a surge protector. “Blame your predecessor. He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. It added a refreshing Mexican / Irish touch to her voice. until I find out why no work is getting done”. the press and Wall Street responded positively. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. she Management Bosses Quote from a recent meeting: “We are going to continue having these meetings. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. This year they are yours! The oldest. sales were right down and he was at his wit's end. I see as a protective barrier.Letter from Internal Revenue This is a real letter submitted to the IRS. UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe. inflatables. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. inflammables.” The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. and in the face of overwhelming passion. She is brilliant. Kristen. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. Taxes should be a breeze. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. talks and performs rudimentary tasks. everyday. Page 16 . pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. Permanent dye. While she has no formal training. safe sex. or telephones. “Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve.” My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. too. keep in mind that she has a truck. I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counselling before Heather becomes a teenager. but six months later. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defence funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. since they are minors and not my responsibility. Oh joy. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. Patrick is 14. Thank you. is now 17. Satisfied with his comments. She cannot speak English. Some people climb the ladder of success. Bring a truck when you come to get her. In February. sandals. My Boss walked under it. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Although that qualifies you for upper management.. her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence. explosives. I thought my Boss was a bastard.. Quote from the Boss. She wears tie-dyed clothes. She is 10 going on 21. and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!) Heather is an alien. The message read. I'm sure this one is yours. but at least I respect him. “What you see as a glass ceiling. and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. I prefer that you take the youngest. Jokes sort of “nests” in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of. Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: “ I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!” HR Manager to job candidate “I see you've had no computer training. beads. he and all of his friends have raging hormones. things went along pretty smoothly. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. It's only fair. I don't. what the big deal? Learn to deal with it. He walks. Dear Sirs: I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. he remembered the envelopes. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. to work for myself. Well.. Next year she is going to college. I said I was going to blame it on you. She wears hats backwards. Kristen also has a boyfriend.” Envelopes A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation.” Quote from telephone inquiry “We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes. My Boss said to me. all without the benefit of a SPINE. His hair is purple. I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home.

.. clipping treetops and yelling the entire way down.no rope. “because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down. He tells the Private. That's all. when employed. (“T-minus 15 seconds and counting . what is your last name?” The new guy sighed. The Private walks to the edge. sometimes with a Names The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. He executes a swan dive that would make Greg Louganis proud. loops. the canopy closed over me. Tiger Woods to name a few. “Kiss my ass!” As the Seaman walks off. as Biff had instructed. Only without rails. ice-blue eyes. sap rolls. The message said.” the Air Force General said. hits the ground and dies on impact. would “egress” me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious. “Reorganize. so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning. My name is John Darling. “What's your name?” he asked the new guy. He climbs to the top of the tower. “Now THAT'S courage!” F14 Tomcat Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. only little pieces of the Marine are left. the company once again fell on difficult times.. this was it.” the new guy replied. “ Military Courage Army.” he said.About a year later. yells “Semper Fi Do or Die!” and jumps off. He grabs an M-60 and ammunition belt on the way and wraps the belt around himself in the Pancho Villa style. “Ya'll obviously forgot the Marine Corps was here. no parachute. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman.” Biff said. but I don't call anyone by their first name. His father.. Unfortunately. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. “No.” Jokes who was cleaning latrines. “We have a liftoff. their faces in disbelief.. Sir!!!” the Private yells and proceeds to climb the tower. the Admiral turns to the others and says.like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot . no parachute. rose and dived again. Sir!!!” the Senior Airman yells.” “Yes. still. combined with serious product problems. bored. The others are impressed and nod their heads in admiration.” “Ha!”. “Ooh-rah!” by way of response and runs to the tower.” “Okay John. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales..) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm.” Army calls a Private over from the tower.” Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat. closed the door and opened the third envelope.” Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad.. “Son. said Army. “I want you to jump off that tower . I want you to jump off that tower and make the Corps proud!” The Corporal yells. We dived. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach. I was worried about getting airsick.no rope. Baker. out on the tarmac. The CEO went to his office.no rope. Having learned from his previous experience. yanks and banks.the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. yells “Hoo-ahh!” and jumps off the tower. We did barrel rolls. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.. He starts shooting the M-60 in mid-air. Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight.. the ride lasted 80. with the greatest sincerity. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nineyear-olds waiting for him to say... “John. let me urge you. His impact is obscured by the two exploding grenades. tan.” your sense of humor is broken. “For the potassium?” I asked. Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. He climbs the tower and walks to the edge. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat. Navy invited me to try it.” The Seaman looks the Admiral in the face and says. And I want you to do it with style. I want you to jump off that tower . If you see this man. I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast.) He calls a Lance Corporal over. I refer to my employees by their last name only. finger-crippling handshake -. “Look. John Stockton. The Admiral calls a Seaman over Page 17 . I want you to jump off that tower . The manager scowled. I was pumped. “My men are the most courageous and I'll prove it. The message read. Smith. He's about six-feet. After several consecutive profitable quarters. Air Force. Robertson. “Bananas.. “That's nothing. no parachute. John Elway. I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before. He calls a Senior Airman over. Move to Guam. the next thing I want to tell you is. “Darling. Then the Admiral says. We levelled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14. Now that we got that straight. “That's nothing. (No call sign -. the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. “Marine.” the Marine growled.” This he did. When the smoke clears. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to “Milk Duds. “My men are the most courageous of the Armed Forces. run the other way. “Son. walks to the edge and jumps.” The next morning. If you get this opportunity. Many of you already have .” “Yes. wavy surfer hair.” he said (yelling “Marine Corps!” as all Marines tend to do. was for years the voice of NASA missions. very cool. he throws two grenades into the air.. and the company quickly rebounded. Fast. He is killed instantly upon impact. “Now this message is for America's most famous athletes: Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. and Marine Generals were standing in front of a rappelling tower with a Navy Admiral. Upon reaching the edge. Fake your own death! Whatever you do Do Not Go!!! I know. triple it. Biff King was born to fly. I was thrilled. Jones. The U.. Jack King. A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat. but.S.. “Hmmph. a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight. Change your name.. not unlike Colin Montgomerie. which. The Air Force General says to the others. I am to be referred to only as Mr.” The others turn to face the Admiral. Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like. “Prepare three envelopes.

S. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book. I realized I was the first person in history to throw down. General. Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine? A: jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down. they may be low on ammo. retired.” Unknown Army Recruit “Don't draw fire. Sea was sky and sky was sea. "I'm just here to hook up your telephone. I made Linda Blair look polite. I went through not one airsick bag. I was coated in sweat. Grenade is not our friend. the man in the window seat abruptly says. two sons." Officer: "Soldier.5. How would Nelson have fared if he's been subject to modern health and safety regulations. Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot. it irritates the people around you. They were both just getting finished with their shaves. an actor dressed as Nelson posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich.” -Infantry Journal “Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.Infantry Journal “No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection. "Admiral. Married. Twice. or Norman making a five-iron bite.” -U. I'm never going to stand in line again!" Military Warnings ACTUAL MILITARY WARNINGS “Aim towards the Enemy. retired."Yours is. At one point. Married. Cool is guys like Biff.000 feet per minute. and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand. new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door." After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile. "Yes. Army “Cluster bombing from B-52s is very." replied the colonel. Because of the G's. "Your jeep stuck.” . but I'm glad Biff does every day. "Admiral. I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. when the spins finally stopped. . Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph.vertical velocity of 10.” -Infantry Journal “A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.Ammo Troop “If the enemy is in range. he asked. so are you. both Admirals." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off. the colonel quickly picked up the phone. SIR!" Rum. In the meantime.” -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher “When the pin is pulled. During training exercises. very accurate. "Nope. Colin Montgomerie. United States Navy. creating a G force of 6. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. sir. But before he was allowed to board an RNLI Lifeboat.F. safety officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th century admiral's uniform. .” -Your Buddies (And lastly) “If you see a bomb technician running. both surgeons. then said into the phone. And I egressed the bananas. I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed. United States Coast Guard. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy.A. retired. But now I really know cool. and it chased us." Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Soldier.” -U. Army Ordnance “Five-second fuses only last three seconds.5 times my body weight was smashing against me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.. buddy. Chief!" the Seaman replied. men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves.” . Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit. the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. Do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "No. sir.” -Joe Gay “Any ship can be a minesweeper . "Hey. a pompous. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. thank you for your good wishes. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. two sons . don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The Chief turned to his barber and said.Army's magazine of preventive maintenance. I used to know cool. Page 18 .S." "Not me." "Well. which is to say I felt as if 6. thereby approximating life as Mrs.S. "Master Chief. "What do you want?" "Nothing important. you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave.” -U. sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. United States Navy. An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. What is it? I asked.” Jokes Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? A: He'll tell you. A week later. Never married. And the lunch before that. "Once I get out of the Navy.” -Infantry Journal “Tracers work both ways.S.. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims. Biff called. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” -U. distinctly and confidently. two sons.” -Anon “Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do. “It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." the airman replied. both judges.” -U. try to keep up with him. To kick-start the anniversary celebrations. in a loud voice. “Two Bags. the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself.A. told the airman to enter. The General shouted. Ammo Troop Military Humour Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. Mr. Conscious of his new position. do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "Sure. David Hackworth “If your attack is going too well. when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. Biff said I passed out." Having just moved into his new office. as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass. but two. We chased another F14. once.” -Col. Sodomy and Life Jackets It's almost 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the French and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar. coming over and handing him the keys." After some thought.S. Air Force Manual “Try to look unimportant. I egressed the pizza from the night before. We broke the speed of sound. you're probably walking into an ambush. "Go ahead and put it on me.

You'll be up on a disciplinary.” “Sorry.” “Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?” “Actually. And they say that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. you did.” Office Idiots It's amazing that some people survive long enough to become adults.” “What? This is mutiny. sir.” “He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral. HMS Apeasement. Hardy.” “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle. The Frenchies and Spanish are our European partners now. sir. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. And there's a ban on corporal punishment. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency. we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water.” “Health and safety again. sir.” “I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. 1st Person “Do you know anything about this fax-machine?” 2nd Person “A little. “Order the signal. What's wrong?” 1st Person “Well. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. sexual orientation. sir. sir?” “England expects every person to do his duty. Now put on your Kevlar vest.” “Dammit. These are pretty amazing: I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.You are now on the deck of the recently renamed British Flagship. gender.” “The rum ration has been abolished. Hardy. We had the devil's own job getting “England” past the censors. break open the rum ration.” “In that case. sir. The salt spray beckons. We must advance with all dispatch. watching everyone like hawks.” “It's not that. lest it be considered racist. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy. Whatever happened to rum sodomy and the lash?” “As I explained.” “Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees. he says to himself. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board. and the same thing happened. it's the rules. According to the Common Fisheries Policy. sir.” “Gadzooks. please. that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. regardless of race. Admiral. I'm afraid. Admiral. Hardy. we're not. because lions eat anything. sir.” I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on. and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page.” “Not any more.” “What?” “Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest.” 2nd Person “How did you load the sheet?” 1st Person “It's a pretty sensitive memo.” New Job At The Zoo A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. man. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card. aye.” “Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. I tried it again. Report from the crow's nest. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected. He wanders up to another lion and says.” “Don't tell me . And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt . He moves on to the last job. Hand me my pipe and tobacco. What gobbledegook is this?” “Admiralty policy. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.” “That won't be possible. To show the others who's boss. too.” “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone. He swipes at two chimps with a spade. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet. I suppose we'd better get on with it.haven't you seen the adverts?” “I've never heard such infamy. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house.kiss me Hardy.” “Actually. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.” “What about sodomy?” “I believe it's to be encouraged sir. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased. What can he do? Feed them to the lions. “Absolutely brilliant. sir.” “Aye. as lions will eat anything.” “Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay. he beats it to death with a spade.” “Hold on. No harness.” “You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King. “What's the food like here?” The other lions say.health and safety. he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. and they asked for a credit card number.” “A couple of problems there. religious persuasion or disability. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking. he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions. Hardy. sir. sir. rum is off the menu. sir.” “Whatever next? Give me a full sail. so she was using the ATM “thingy.” “We're not?” Jokes “No.” “I think you'll find that there's a 4 mph speed limit in this stretch of water.” “In that case . Full speed ahead. we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. What's the meaning of this?” “Sorry. killing them both. and I didn't want anyone Page 19 .” “Good heavens. As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the bees. sir. I sent a fax.

removed the three-hole paper and solved the problem. Please restart your computer and try sending again. Work In Prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?” “Hmmm. one addition from a friend: She's been doing temp work at various offices. “What about your hook”? “Well. I'm just ignoring you You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. Be prepared for my mood. Your credit card has been charged $5. In prison you get three meals a day. She opened the paper tray. please refer to me as 'Mary' instead of 'Jon'. Hi. She replied. “You know. “we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords.” Tech Support “What does the screen say now. that's it!” I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage. Just as my men were pulling me out.” Person “It says.” Prison vs. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management I will be unable to delete all the unread. and an eye patch. At work you can't even speak to your family and friends. “You mean the letter 'i'?” and he said. One of our servers crashed. the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper.' Pirates The Seaman and the Pirate A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. how did you end up with the peg leg?” The pirate replies. When I return. If I was in. Do you have an alarm.” I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. One day there was a big backup. “Well. “I'm almost out of typing paper. At one place she became the resident expert on the photocopy machine. and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. and he said. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said. a hook. worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. “So. I've run away to join a different circus. I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.” replied the pirate.” “Incredible!” remarked the seaman. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.” she told him. which has been added to a queueing system. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.it's a long walk. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. In prison you get your own toilet. “We were in a storm at sea. I am on holiday. and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. In prison you get time off for good behaviour. You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously. ABSOLUTELY THE BEST: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. What do I do?” “Just use copier machine paper. Your e-mail has been deleted. I'm not really out of the office. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. 'Hit ENTER when ready. AND.” I replied. Thank you for your email.else to read it by accident. . Don't bother to leave me any messages.99 for each additional word in your message The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door. then went in back to make a sandwich. The seaman asks.. handing it and the car keys to me.'“ Tech Support “Well?” Person “How do I know when it's ready?” Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. asking me “Where's the key for that line thing?” I asked what he was talking about. At work you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. just this remote 'thingy.99 for the first ten words and $1. too?” I asked. a shark bit my leg off” “Wow!” said the seaman. so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it. At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. Jokes Thank you for your message. Please wait by your PC for my response.. You are currently in 352nd place.. At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work. I replied. With that. “Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. “I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker.” I asked the manager what had happened. “Do you need some help?” I asked. I dunno. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in “Twister.” He started to type it and paused. “No. In prison you can watch TV and play games. “it was my first day with the hook. FINALLY. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named “i386. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg. She went over to help and found that no one knew how to stop the copier from “punching” three holes down the side of each copy. put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. replied the pirate.' The beauty of it is that when I return. Now I can't get into my car. and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.'“ she answered.”. In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. “Yeah. Page 20 Out of Office Auto-Replies I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. And. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. One of the enemy cut my hand off. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. “How did you get the eyepatch”? “A seagull dropping fell into my eye. At work you have to share.” said the pirate.

but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel. I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. "Ouc. The roads have been used ever since. and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. It transforms human energy into a crooked. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Lion. the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England. they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. I insist on paying my fair share. I won't be able to. works particularly well on boxes containing new car seats and motorcycle jackets. The dog ate my car keys. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it. I can't get off the john. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian. 8. We're going to hitchhike to the vet. hey. could I help you? No. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.so I'm calling in dead! Tool Definitions HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war. I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. So. no. Page 21 . When I got up this morning I took two Laxettes in addition to my Prozac. Accordingly. and that's the gauge they used. One day should do it. Reasons For Missing Work: If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work..In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and. huh? So.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. The United State standard railroad gauge of 4 feet. you may be exactly right. Jokes Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well.. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.5 inches. I prefer to remain an enigma. were first made by Roman war chariots. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss. which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons. OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Specifications The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled. Why did “they” use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons.. I'll be sticking with AT&T. and the more you attempt to influence its course. And the ruts? The initial ruts. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of. OK? I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy. we have managers. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation. who fired me for not showing up for work. My step mother has come back as one of the undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. My stigmata's acting up. In prison there are sadistic wardens. That's an exceedingly odd number. I've used up all my sick days. trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates. Legally. they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. which used that wheel spacing. because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly to all the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. long distance roads. we have the answer to the original questions. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. or early. how about them Skins. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion)." HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of spacetime continuum loop. but I know we have that deadline to meet. The voices told me to clean all the guns today. the more dismal your future becomes. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. Yes. 8. At work there are some programs you can never get out of. but I feel good about it. At work. yes. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses. So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions.. unpredictable motion. I will be in late.. but thank you for calling. Thus.. If nothing else is available. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt and screw heads. splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

say. until he gets good and ready to stop. 15 . therefore.Law of Refrigerator Observation If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough. and rounds them off. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses ½ inch too short. squared. just as you thought. and usually take over. Sometimes called a drop light. its name is somewhat misleading.Law of Milk Consumption A cat will drink his weight in milk. I could deal with that. everyone knows you mean business. the most comfortable spot in any given room. Health benefits aside. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs.Law of Cat Stretching A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. unless there is a really good reason to change direction. it is a good source of vitamin D. you swat them too.Second Law of Energy Conservation Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping. you get to hibernate. CRAFTSMAN ½ x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.Law of Electric Blanket Attraction Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.Law of Cat Acceleration A cat will accelerate at a constant rate. 4 . I'm a woman.burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield.Law of Cat Inertia A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest. in which case all heat flows to the cat. 19 . 16 . cute.Law of Rug Configuration No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long. When you're a bear. 9 . or a nearby scurrying mouse. in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat. You do nothing but sleep for six months.its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during.Law of Obedience Resistance A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something. unless acted upon by some outside force . TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. "the sunshine vitamin. 17 . Before you hibernate. More often dark than light.Law of Random Comfort Seeking A cat will always seek. I'd like to come back as a bear. If your cubs get out of line.Law of Cat Magnetism All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric." which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail. the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. 11 .Law of Cat Thermodynamics Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body.Law of Bag / Box Occupancy All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. 13 . SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a tool for spreading mustard or mayonnaise or you sandwich bread. 3 . 14 . AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. If you're a bear. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt. Page 22 . 6 . In my next life. When you are a girl bear.Law of Cat Sleeping All cats must sleep with people whenever possible.Jokes PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. someone will come along and take out something good to eat. your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. to round off Phillips screw heads. 12 . just to show you he can. 18 . PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.Law of Cat Elongation A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.such as the opening of cat food. 8 . TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup. used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.Law of Cat Embarrassment A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter. 7 . E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. can also be used as the name implies. cuddly cubs. 10 . 5 . Animals Bears Gonna Be a Bear In this life. GONNA BE A BEAR!!! Cats Cat Physics 1 .Law of Dinner Table Attendance Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served. you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown. you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. And he EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. 2 . I could definitely deal with that! If you're Mama Bear. YUP. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal.Law of Cat Motion A cat will move in a straight line. use as little energy as possible.First Law of Energy Conservation Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will. I could deal with that too. I could deal with that. except in the case of a cat.

the doctor is doing his rounds. 5. It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee. I am a carnivore. 5. The cat will rocket out of the toilet. When he answers the door. it's yours. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end. If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry. No matter how dangly and attractive they are. 2. we've got our whole lives ahead of us.Law of Fluid Displacement A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume. If it just looks like mine. 9. and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb? Page 23 . it's mine. Have someone open the front door of your home. so the man explains about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks. The third evening. You may need to stand on the lid. 25 . The next evening. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can. 7. If it's mine. My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help. it automatically becomes mine. If it's in my mouth. 7. 8. it must never appear to be yours in any way. 4. 6. How to Clean Your Toilet Instructions on how to clean your toilet 1. If I bite the cactus. 21 . the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching “The X-Files”.Law of Cat Landing A cat will always land in the softest place possible. If I can take it from you. I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves. I will not stand on the bathroom counter. The cockroach immediately punches him between the eyes and scampers off. 24 . she will give me a piece. my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach. it's mine. 10. Flush the toilet three or four times. 6. The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. my human's earrings are not cat toys. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. it punches him. streak through the bathroom. He asks our hero what happened. it's mine.Law of Pill Rejection Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity. all the pieces are mine. 3. If I had it a little while ago. put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. and quickly lift both lids. “Yes. and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer. the cat is actually enjoying this. The next morning. Jokes Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. I will not freak out every time I see it. The canned cat food is already dead. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail. it's mine. 22 . If I like it. kicks him and karate chops him before running away. In one smooth movement. If I'm chewing something up. He is rushed to intensive care and they save his life. I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry. This provides a “powerwash” and rinse”. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. If I saw it first. Potted plants are not meat. it's mine. there is a nasty bug going around.Law of Cat Composition A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter. even if it isn't as tasty. culminating in the near fatal stabbing. Cat Rules Things CATS Must Try To Remember! Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself. one of these days it will really come true. The Dog Cockroach A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings. it's mine. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.Law of Cat Disinterest A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor. If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests. a 6 foot tall cockroach is standing there. Dogs and Lightbulbs How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? Golden Retriever: The sun is shining. and run outside where he will dry himself off. minus the amount of milk consumed. 23 . 4. the day is young. 2. the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. 9. stare down the hall. When he answers the door.” Dogs Dog Property Laws 1. the cockroach is there again. The gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance. The doctor thinks for a moment and says. Sincerely.20 . The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in its bowl. This time. it will bite back. If it's broken. 8. It leaps at him and stabs him several times before making off. If I put a live mouse in my food bowl. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet. 3. I will never be able to walk on the ceiling. When he answers the door. If my human wants to share her sandwich with me. I will not watch him constantly. If you are playing with something and you put it down. the cockroach is there yet again. The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years.Law of Furniture Replacement A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. especially when there are guests. BARKING: Because you are a dog. "So. Be direct with people. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap." The guy says... Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? Jokes THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed.. I got married. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing. bark. always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed). 7. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up. Everywhere. You can feed me while he's busy.. Pointer: I see it. as the family dog. I will not throw up in the car.." He rings the bell. 2.Eat a shoe. COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.. eventually you'll get what you want. 3. Be aware of when to hold your tongue. mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. my nails will be dry. dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If it's not wet and sloppy. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. "You talk?" he asks. me. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark. Page 24 . 5. bark. By the time he finishes rewiring the house.. right there. sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.. Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. and I wanted to help the government.. VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. 4. Be ready to fetch your human a towel. It is your duty. lick its face and growl gently to show your concern. never go to the bathroom on your own lawn." the Lab replies.. and now I'm just retired.. PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick. and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country. 8. always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose. "Well. So bark-...Border Collie: Just one. It spoils all the fun. Charge across the room. so break as much of the house as possible. and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. Let the servants. "Yep. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying. DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep. HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans. DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner. Don't go out without ID. Rules for Dogs NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard. "This dog is amazing. Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp! Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. so I told the CIA about my gift. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.. GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress. maybe they'll think it's gophers. Always give people a friendly greeting. and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. If you stare at someone long enough. Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark. there it is.. you are expected to bark. There are never enough holes in the ground. LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. had a mess of puppies. what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole. dah-ling. Who cares? Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle. Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover. use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. I'm going to sleep on the couch. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. it's not a real kiss.a lot. "Ten dollars. Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me! Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze.. Humans prefer clean tongues. I will not eat the cats' food. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. When you do something wrong. He didn't do any of that stuff! Life Lessons Learned From A Dog: 1. CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human. Talking Dog A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale... to accommodate them. 6. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. Lab: Oh. Things Dogs Must Try To Remember. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table." The guy is amazed." "But the jetting around really tired me out. before or after they eat it. make sure you never quite catch them. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem. and when to use it. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark. CHASING CATS: When chasing cats. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap ? ?" Because he's a liar. so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.” “Hang on. the circus comes to town on its annual round.” the duck says and walks out.” Following day. COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A: 1. PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.” observes the duck. isn't it? With a big pole in the middle?” “Yeah!” “That's canvas. “What the heck would he want with a plasterer?” Ducks Duck food One day a convenience store worker was sitting not doing much. Jokes Barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area.” the duck says “got any duck food?” Elephants Elephant Hunting MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa. I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold. “You should get it into your circus. the circus is in town.” replied the barman. “Yeah. I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing. “No we don't got any duck food. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps. isn't it?” said the duck. I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside. The circus owner's dead keen. “Guess your ears are fine. I can fix it up for you easily. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration. but I mean . The third day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in and asks “Got any duck food?” By now the clerk so getting very annoyed: “No” he yells “We don't have any duck food! We didn't have any yesterday won't don't have any today and we wont have any tomorrow! And if you come in here again and ask if we have and duck food I'll nail your little web feet to the floor!!!!” All the duck does is turn and walk out the door.” answers the duck. you're a duck” “Nothing wrong with your eyesight. throwing out everything that is not an elephant. 2. and the barman tells him about the talking duck. Barman says: “You know.” The duck looked very puzzled. You could make a lot of money there. yesterday I was chatting to the owner. “Of course. Stop when a match is detected. The clerk is a little annoyed “No! We don't have any duck food!” “Fine. traversing the continent alternately east and west. Work northward in an orderly manner. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. We'll be here for a couple of weeks. says the duck. The sofa is not a face towel. He's very interested in you. 3. and I'll be in each lunchtime for a pint. etc. ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it. The next day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open again. Go to Africa. “Now. too.” “Well then.” said the duck. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.” “Really?” says the duck. Barman says. and catching one of whatever is left. a. We do not have a doorbell. “Kitty box crunchies” are not food.” says the duck.” And each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunchtime lager. b. On the fourth day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in: Got any nails?” the duck asks.” “That's one of those tent things. “Yeah.” . Start at the Cape of Good Hope. “Got any duck food?” he asks. I will not chew crayons or pens.I will not roll on dead seagulls. “I work on the building site over there. “Hey. “Make a lot of bucks out of a talking duck. wet nose up her bottom end. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop. 4. “You did say a CIRCUS. the duck comes in at lunchtime. “No we don't got nails. and walks out. Catch each animal seen. crabs. “Do you have any duck food?” the duck asks. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant. and the same duck walks in. can I have a beer please. or my people will think I am hemorrhaging. When in the car. didn't you?” “That's right. I'll speak to him about it. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them. thanks anyway”. “Oh. “I can get you a job there starting tomorrow. At 2 o'clock the doors swing open and a duck walks in.you can TALK” says the barman. c. especially not the red ones. Circus owner comes in for a pint. EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. During each traverse pass. DATABASE ADMINISTRATORS do not need to go out and capture elephants when they can retrieve them simply with an ad hoc query: Page 25 Talking Duck A Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.” he says. EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. fish.” “Okay. Next week.

On the off chance it turns out to be a new genius of brachiosaurid they have a name already picked out: Sonorasaurus thompsoni. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you. To me. but with deeper voices. SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. The proper order is kiss me.. “OK. “turtle recall”. it means go someplace else. CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants. the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely pre-hunted before the vice president sees them. This is the only dinosaur skeleton found in southern Arizona.Jokes SELECT * FROM AFRICAN_CRITTERS WHERE CRITTER_TYPE = 'TERRESTRIAL' AND SIZE = 'LARGE' AND COLOR = 'GRAY' AND TRUNK = 'YES' AND ODOR IS NOT NULL. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.” said the elephant. VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING. but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. Vampire Bat A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep.) 3.” “Wow. SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice. Pets Dear Dogs and Cats. AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants. he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short. Also. he strolled over and flicked it clear out of sight with his trunk. SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant. never drive your car.. Their first choice for a name was Chiuhauhasaurus but they felt it wasn't an appropriate name for a 51-foot-long animal. stay off the furniture. they eat less. and many have never hunted anything at all. 4. when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. what a memory!” exclaimed the aardvark. a live one) the staff will (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants. You don't. don't wear your clothes. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep. QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.and if they get pregnant. but they believe that if elephants are paid enough. don't hang out with drug-using friends. nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. If you don't want their hair on your clothes. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats are better than kids . don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions. “Because I recognized it. 35-ton dinosaur--probably a brachiosaur--that lived about 100 million years ago. OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. it's an animal. then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets: 1. meow. whine. They live here. Recall An elephant was drinking out of a pond one day. paint them grey. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. don't ask for money all the time. I have posted he following message on our front door. RESEARCH. I am very sorry about this. LAWYERS don't hunt elephants. usually come when called. “What did you do that for?” asked a passing aardvark. for delivery two days before the season opens. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. It's the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago.” Page 26 . but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. 2. placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut. follow me. walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. SYSTEMS INTEGRATION ENGINEERS are not so concerned with hunting elephants as with creating a seamless interface between the elephants and their environment. it is not necessary to claw. but they persisted until he finally gave in. SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught. (in other words. but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants. my dear pets. HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits. So. Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. catching gray animals at random. (That's why they call it “fur”niture. hairy. To you. and don't need a gazillion dollars for college . Please note. ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa. For the last time.. ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants. not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. I like my pets a lot better than most people. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When I say to move. and sell them as desktop elephants New Dinosaur About 2 years ago a geology student in Arizona's Sonora Desert (the section known as the Chihuahua Desert) came across the bones of a 51-foot. I must exit through the same door I entered. and are easier to train. and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant. you can sell the children. they will hunt themselves.. don't smoke or drink. If the vice president does see a non-pre-hunted elephant. if someone else will only identify the elephants. “Yes.canine or feline attendance is not mandatory. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. I have been using the bathroom for years -.

who had acquired two new dogs.” Blonde Parking in the Winter Norman and his blonde wife live in Wisconsin... “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?” “HelOOOooo. removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet .” Before the police get to the crime scene.. so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger. the steering wheel. “Never mind.000 to get my teeth straightened. “So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!” The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. Down through a valley they went.” the Blonde replied. and with a worried look on her face she says. I am rechecking my answers. She tells the salesman. “I got in the back seat by mistake. the doctor asked.. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street. “Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?” Blonde Pets A girl was visiting her blonde friend. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplough can get through?” Exam The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of “yes/no” type questions... I don't know what to do. “Honey.” giggles the blonde. that's your air freshener. and asked her what their names were. can you see Florida. So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought this is going to make a loud noise. But. “How did this happen?”. but they couldn't.He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. “You can't land on the sun. “They've stolen the dashboard. an American. alarmed.. “Stay calm. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. computers do not have curtains.” Blonde On The Sun A Russian.Yes for Heads and No for Tails. “Do you see that tree over there?” “YES. approaches her and asks what is going on. “We are going to have 8 to 10 centimetres of snow today. A week later while they are eating breakfast.I didn't!” Jokes With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit. You must park. and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out. and a Blonde were talking one day.. she is seen desperately throwing the coin. We're going at night!” Computer Accessories A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. One winter morning while listening to the radio. “Well. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. so the snowplough can get through.” A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. and the same blonde is on the line again... “Oh officer.. across a river and into a forest of trees.... you idiot! You'll burn up!” said the Russian. “Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?” “No. then I put it in my mouth and I thought I just paid $24... The moderator. however.. stares at the question paper for five minutes.. when the radio announcer says “We are expecting 12 to 14 centimetres of snow today. “We were the first in space!” The American said. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. To which the Blonde replied. Norman's wife is very upset.000 for these.. the brake pedal. “ then the electric power goes out.. “Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. “We were the first on the moon!” The Blonde said. they hear the announcer say. “I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen. madam. During the last few minutes. the officer replied.” And the blonde said:. Norman says..” answered the blond. She takes her seat in the examination hall.. The next week they are having breakfast again. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!” Reaching through the side window to the rear-view mirror. is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?” The woman replied. the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time.Florida or the moon?” The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooo. “Ma'am. An officer is on the way. “But. the radio announcer says.. and even the accelerator!” she cries. He will be there in two minutes. Her friend said. you know. YES.... “We are expecting 10 to 12 centimetres of snow today.. swearing and sweating... The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath.. “I finished the exam in half and hour.. “Ma'am. so the snowplough can get through.” Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. and her friend said anxiously. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.. The Russian said. I've got Windows!” Driver A state trooper pulled a car over on a lonely back road and approached the blonde lady driver. “Helloooo. “We're not stupid.” Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident.” Page 27 .. They tried and tried to get the door open. silly! First I put the gun between my breasts and I thought I just paid $100.” The surprised salesman replies..” Attempted Suicide A Blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her index finger blown off. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. “They're watch dogs Blonde Jokes Astrology Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.????? Call the Auto Club Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. she says.. “Well I was trying to commit suicide. The 911 dispatcher says.and one blonde says to the other:” Which do you think is farther away.. YES!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy..

If you gave her a penny for her thoughts. and there was no sound at all. which had the redhead in it. and sent her on her way. When she saw the “Under 17 not admitted” sign on the front of the movie theatre. they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage. When he asked what happened. Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. “Meow”. She sold her car for gas money. so the deputy kicked the first sack. she went home and got 16 friends. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet.” After 2000 feet.Fire A Brunette. she radioed again. “Oh no! You re gonna pull the blanket away!” says the Redhead. She went. you'd get change back. One was a redhead. I was starting to get cold. When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left” she turned around and went home.” she put “Sagittarius”. she'd probably be speechless.” Jokes When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday. She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. but as I got higher. In A Vacuum A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. The firemen yell to the Brunette. “Is it on or off?” Knitting A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. It was her turn. and one a blonde. “IT'S A SCARF!” Pilot A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day.. “Jump! You have to jump!” “No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!” yelled the Blonde. She studied for a blood test . he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren. and finally the blonde said. She thought a quarterback was a refund. She tried to drown a fish. “PULL OVER!” “NO!” the blonde yelled back.. She sat on the TV and watched the couch. “C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!” say the firemen to the Redhead. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When they climbed up. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. she took the 22 bus twice instead. She thinks that Taco Bell is a phone company. turned on his bullhorn and yelled . She thought Boyz II Men was a day-care centre. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan. “Bow-wow”. so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it. About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. Her question was. She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. “No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!” “Look. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said “concentrate”. the firemen yell. “Potatoes”. “Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!” The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. “Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down. and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Glancing at the car. So he kicked it again. Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. and I'm starting to get the hang of this. She tripped over a cordless phone. She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.. and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. If she spoke her mind.” The sheriff told him to find out what was in them. holding a blanket for them to jump in. Again. she radioed in.” says the Redhead. They had to close down the school to get her out of third grade. she moved. and she jumps. Short Ones Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side. She went. saying how easy it was becoming to fly. At the bottom of the application.” Prison Escapees Three women escaped from prison. one a brunette. she put “Hooked On Phonics”. Page 28 . They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. showed her how to start it and gave her the basics. She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes. “I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful. Firemen are on the street below.” the Blonde says. “No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!” “OK. she said: “I don't know! Everything was going fine. She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. She Was So Blonde. “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name. “Just three gunnysacks. can you hear it?” She thought for a time and then asked. where it says “sign here. As all the planes were currently in use.and failed. and back away from it. Under “education” on her job application. A few minutes later. a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. After she climbed 1000 feet. She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. When she missed the 44 bus. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home. the trooper cranked down his window.. Finally. He took her out. She told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DON'T WALK”.

in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. All to no avail. but if I don't know the answer. Sew flaws are knot aloud. My checker tolled me sew. so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.GM At a recent computer expo (COMDEX). A checker is a blessing. we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. “What's the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn't say a word. 6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun.you're next!” Computers An Ode to Spelling Checkers I have a spelling checker It came with my pea sea. 9) The airbag system would say. The lawyer asks the first question. reaches in to her purse. and goes back to sleep. There are know faults with in my cite. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. The husband jumps out of bed. five times as fast. so what IS the answer?” Again without a word. and hands it to the lawyer.” This catches the blonde's attention and. The lawyer. Frustrated.” Again. how about this “If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5. I will pay you $50. of searching for the answer he finally gives up. figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband. . 3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. and twice as easy to drive. Now spelling does not phase me. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap. The checker pours o'er every word To cheque sum spelling rule. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!” Eye ran this poem threw it. and visa-versa. Author Unknown The Blonde and the Lawyer A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. It helps me right awl stiles two reed. Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon. but would only run on five per cent of the roads 7) The oil. “I wish you guys would get your act together. Butt now bee cause my spelling Is checked with such grate flare. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. restart and drive on 4) Occasionally executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart. She replied in a huff. so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. she agrees to play the game. Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays Such soft wear four pea seas. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match. Your sure real glad two no. Bee fore a veiling checkers Hour spelling mite decline. she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.. you pay me. We wood bee maid too wine. 5) Only one person at a time could use the car. It freeze yew lodes of thyme. Now. water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.. It plane lee marks four my revue Miss steaks aye can knot see. He explains how the game works: “I ask you a question. Each frays comes posed up on my screen Eye trussed too bee a joule. And if we're lacks oar have a laps. “Well. She asks the lawyer. begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Its very polished in its weigh. It does knot bring a tier. My pay purrs awl due glad den With wrapped words fare as hear. unless you bought “Car95” or “Car-NT. who is more than a little frustrated. and comes down with four?” The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. “What goes up a hill with three legs. and if you don't know the answer. Of nun eye am a wear. “shut up. Reliable. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. After over an hour. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. And why eye brake in two averse Buy righting want too please.” But then you would have to buy more seats. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. wakes the blonde and asks. 2) Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. 8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. the blonde reaches into her purse. And wee mussed dew the best wee can. To rite with care is quite a feet Of witch won should be proud. General Motors issued a press release stating: “If GM had developed technology like Microsoft. 'Are you sure ? ' before going off Page 29 You're Next! A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair.Jokes Speeding Ticket A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. The lawyer persists. And aides me when aye rime. pulls out a five-dollar bill.” In response to Bill's comments. so he makes another offer: “Okay. hands the lawyer $5. Bill Gates -v. and you would just accept this. it's the blonde's turn. saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows.

COM Halted. And.. The staff would sell you a toaster. or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster..... Computers are not intelligent... James Baud. but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters. attractive women.. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters.. Cereal Port Not Responding.. can be conveniently attached to your belt. would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) Backups? We don't NEED no stinking backups.. Bill thanks him for showing him heaven. They'd be really cheap. He likes what he sees and goes back to St Peter. If Sun made toasters. The toast would burn often.Insert Cup and Press Any Key Buy a Pentium 586/166 so you can reboot faster.. You wouldn't have to take the toaster. command.... and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.” BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 QUARTER=4 DOWN=2 YARDS TO GO=10 Access denied . They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world. The ToastMan.. Jokes Every time you bought a loaf of bread. BREAKFAST. They made good toasters in the '80s. turn the key and grab hold of the radio antenna... There are sombre people singing hymns and praising the Lord.. but says hell is really more to his liking. and invites him to take a look at both Heaven and Hell before he makes his decision. bad. I find your faith in technology amusing..10) .. Toaster '95 would weigh 15000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop).. and drinks that never get you drunk. Sit! Stay! Staaay! Why doesn't DOS ever say “EXCELLENT command or filename!” As a computer. If IBM made toasters.. 'Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches?' St Peter replies. My software never has bugs. He then goes down to hell. Universe halted. E Pluribus Modem File not found. as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.. but not know anything about it.SYS. Does DEC still make toasters?. maybe six toasters.. sand. DOS Cannot find REALITY. Go stand in the corner! Bad command. Computers make very fast.. If Xerox made toasters. lots of sun. It just develops random features. the Croissant Extension was three years away.14.000 pieces of bread at the same time. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more 12) Moreover GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.. They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. You could toast one-sided or double-sided.. even though they neither need them nor want them. If Sony made toasters. They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster.nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah C:\> Bad command or file name. If CostCo made toasters. They only think they are. 2 + 2 = 5 for very large values of 2.. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN <------The information went data way----Best file compression around: “DEL” = 100% compression Definition of upgrade: Take old bugs out. St Peter offers him a choice of afterlife.. There are beautiful beaches.. Bad. didn't they? If Hewlett-Packard made toasters. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. COFFEE. 'Hey. If Oracle made toasters.. Demo Version Bill Gates dies and fronts up to the Pearly Gates. They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread. You'd press the “start” button to shut off the engine. You would be able to toast 64. He can't work out what has happened. Bill is shocked to find himself neck deep in fire and suffering eternal torment. If Radio Shack made toasters.. St Peter immediately returns him there. you would have to buy a toaster..Occasionally for no reason whatsoever your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle. If Microsoft made toasters. but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Page 30 . 13) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. “The name is Baud. You could make toast 24 hours a day.... That was just a demo version!' Computer Company Toasters. If Tandem made toasters. very accurate mistakes. which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.. And. So Bill looks at heaven. of course.. IBM would claim a total possible worldwide market for five. take up 95% of the space in your kitchen.. finally. If Thinking Machines made toasters. 11) GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary). he screams. but you could get a really good cuppa Java. draw enough electricity to power a small city. put new ones in.. but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development.. If Cray made toasters. St Peter'. The toaster would jam your bread for you. which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast. and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.EXE Missing . 'I'm sorry if you got confused.

Name it “Housework. their program code is fast. DEFN: Computer .A device designed to speed and automate errors. instead of “Yes”.” Bill Gates. Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle 3. Here's what viruses do: 1. Windows does that. 7. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN 4. How to Improve Your Day 1.add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG. Winders 95 logo should incorporate the Confederate Flag.. along with valuable programs and systems. Instead of “VP. “Yes.” 16. unknown to the user. Press any key.okay. Rho sritched mg kebord awound? Error: Keyboard not attached.. 4. no.C. Is Windows a Virus? McAfee-Question : Is Windows a virus ? No. Feel better? If Microsoft were in Alabama Compiled by Thom Monticue Due to an unfriendly business atmosphere in California.” the Winders 95 theme song would be “Achey-Breaky Heart. “Well. 15. 12..” As soon as you make a commitment to one. 5. Microsoft's programming tools would be “Vishul Basic” and “Vishul C++.okay. Come in DOS. too. CONGRESS. or “Cancel. from time to time. 4..SYS corrupted. “No”. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator. Shell to DOS. Their #1 product would be “Microsoft Winders” 2. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. Occasionally you'd bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape. 1981. Gender of Computers Reasons computers must be female. “Naw”. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of “Ahh-right”.” and press the mouse button firmly.coincidence? Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. a better one is just around the corner. are running on most systems. or “Git”.. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. NOT THAT ONE! Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.. Viruses will. Instead of “Ta-Da!”.. 2.” 13. too. 2. Viruses are usually carried. Windows does that. Windows does that too. get a stupid ANSI.okay. Imagine the implications! If Microsoft headquarters were in Alabama 1. Sigh.. (Y/N)? Does fuzzy logic tickle? A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord. then I'm certainly not going to tell you.. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am. you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.Ethernet (n). “Bubba”) Gates.... Out Of Memory.” 3. slowing down the system as they do so . Instead of “Start Me Up. Press Fl to continue.” 5. Who is General Failure & why is he reading my disk? Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.Covet not thy neighbour's Pentium.. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. Four words: Daisy Dukes screen saver. many businesses there have been relocating to places like Atlanta and Montgomery. E-mail returned to sender . A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available. So Windows is not a virus. Press <CTRL><ALT><DEL> to continue.. An error? Impossible! My modem is error-correcting.. They replicate quickly ... RAM disk is not an installation procedure. Jokes 6. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.SYS Hidden DOS secret .insufficient voltage. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors. Help! I'm modeming.SYS to CONFIG. trash your hard disk .a. SENILE:COM found. The message. 11th commandment . Re-boot Washington. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGIRCROS. “Bad command or filename.. All computers wait at the same speed. As soon as you have one.. Empty the RECYCLE BIN 5. Windows does that. 3. PowerPoint would be named “ParPawnt.k. compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. Your PC will ask you. 6.” 11. “640K ought to be enough for anybody. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. “Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?” Microsoft TV Dinners Instructions For Microsoft's New TV Dinner Product Page 31 . the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos. The “Recycle Bin” in Winders 95 would be an outhouse. Answer calmly.” Microsoft big shots would be called “Cuz. 14.24 diet cokes in a case.... Yup. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitised drunk redneck yelling “Freebird!” 8. no.no. 7.” is about as informative as: “If you don't know why I'm mad at you.” 9. that's with Windows. do you copy? Shell to DOS. 24 hours in a day.. Open a new file in your PC. 17. the first thing you know ole Bill's a billionaire.SYS. something used to catch the etherbunny. Windows is not a virus. Viruses use up valuable system resources.” 10. D. ASCII stupid question.. Windows: Just another pane.... and I can't hang up! All wiyht. It's a bug.

and the desired level of cooking and press start.0. If you want another variety. Services include spoons and knives. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway. If you >have a Mac oven. causing your freezer to self-defrost. that version has yet to be released. IBM will provide a great big huge rare steak with potatoes and gravy and hollandaise sauce.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally “object-oriented. to get the best connections with your hardware. but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. larger than the dinner itself. After months of conflicts and other problems. If you have a Unix oven.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. insert the dinner into the oven.0. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4. Also. a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.You must first remove the plastic cover. I've been running the same Version of MS DrinkingBuddies 1. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. and only the chicken variety is currently produced. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. but GirlFriend 4. which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. the weight of the dinner. from the Chief Technology Officer. providing access and services to every user in every home.dinn. MSTVD: None of this will be an issue for MS TV Dinner98. it is written in some obscure language I can't understand. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1. You may. Java TV Dinner lets developers “cook once. which will be henceforth known as the ActiveMicrowave*. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancée 1. a comprehensive set of meal components and services designed to simplify preparation of dinner. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1. and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1. Your neighbours. contact your hardware vendor. Addendum to MS TV Dinner News: In case you were looking for the Manual. Addendum to MS TV Dinner News. Excess chicken may be stored for future use. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer. By doing so you agree to accept and honour Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. This will allow a wide bandwidth for merchandisers and financier markets to gain a new and unique foothold on the consumer. Like all versions of GirlFriend. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter <ms. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash. and the new MS interface to TV dinners now owns the entire Microwave desktop. Calif. insert the dinner and press start. right next to the julienne sliced carrots. it uninstalled itself. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). however. zucchini. however. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot.” A year ago.0.crap. but it will work better with more memory anyway. which he describes as a huge resource hog. need to add more memory to your microwave oven. This is a feature. corn bread and refried beans. much less reprogram. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my MS Golf program. which results in the immediate removal of both versions. Future releases will only be in the larger family size.0. VP of Technology at Netscape. You must now use the Oven Help file which will be displayed on your microwave oven's 20-character information screen. Shortly after that. you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. and Netscape Communications Corp. He was right . Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big. probably already have one and are already enjoying their oven experiences more than you are. I installed GirlFriend 3. Page 32 .0.-Aug. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. and if you do that you might as well get an OvenCam so you can watch your food cook on the monitor. peas.0 again with GirlFriend 4. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification.0. Follow up news article: MOUNTAIN VIEW. This is a simple procedure.” “I cooked dinner on my wristwatch and then crawled inside my microwave to eat it. These are for future menu items. eat anywhere. A paradigm shift has changed the way we think of TV Dinners and Microwaves. and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. having many useless compartments. but there are still some problems. If this doesn't work. in which case your oven must be restarted. but the first time I used it.” Meal components include beans. Forks will be provided in a future version of the product. let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. but soon after that.0 forever as my primary application.as soon as I purged my cache. Microsoft no longer ships manuals with TV dinners.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way. If you have a PC microwave oven. Dinners are only available from registered outlets.Sun Microsystems. 1997 .//08. enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label). Sr. was it ever convenient. it gave me a virus anyway. not a bug. Set the oven using these keystrokes: <\mstv. who you know to be power cookers. I tried running GirlFriend 1.5min@50%heat// Then enter: <ms//start. 1. so he can't load anything else. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. All the bugs were supposed to be gone. Inc.0 was still in my system. MS-Girlfriend I'm currently running the latest version of Microsoft GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. This process may have to be repeated. I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. Unlike platform-specific solutions. and some leftover beef panang. However. insert the dinner. he had to upgrade to Wife 1.nodamn. I just run them separately. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. nonfat blueberry frozen yogurt. and it works okay. This is actually much better than having manuals because it will always be current and you won't have to find a place to store it. It has taken up all his space. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. (NASDAQ: NSCP) today announced the developer release of the Java TV Dinner SDK. That's much easier than trying to see your food cook through all Jokes those holes in the radiation shield. The version I have now works pretty well. You may.0. call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. You may also wish to consider getting a monitor for your microwave oven so you can read more than 20 characters of your help file at a time. penne pasta.” said Marc Andreessen. most of which are empty. and Oracle will provide that icky green stuff that you find inside a lobster shell.good/tryagain\again/again. but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2. Low-level interfacing with Web TV is now being beta tested in a local market of barca-loungers. “Damn near busted the door off.0 still installed.0 beta. So he did. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2. but boy.

” He started to type it and paused. Printer: Someone who can't write in cursive. Do you have an alarm.. What's wrong?” 1st Person: “Well. I opened her CPU case and sure enough. DIN: The noise at the barn dance. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?” “Hmmm. With that. Now I can't get into my car.” The computer scientist leaned back in her chair. “never mind” and hung up.” 2nd Person: “How did you load the sheet?” 1st Person: “It's a pretty sensitive memo. and said. it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. I sent a fax. and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. I replied.” I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Disk Operating System: The equipment the Doc uses when you have a floppy disk. Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter. the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper. “Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. Hard Drive: Gettin' home in mud season. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door. just this remote 'thingy. and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. Windows: What to shut when it's 30 below. “I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. I was working the help desk. Infrared: Where the left-over's go when Fred's around.it's a long walk. The physician remarked. she interrupted and said.0 will delete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Monitor: Keep an eye on the wood stove. Page 33 . Mouse: What eats the horses' grain in the barn. “You mean the letter “i”?” and he said. I dunno.0. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet. “Look. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it..” Person: “It says. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named “i386. so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was.0. Enter: C'mon in! Floppy Disk: Whacha get from pilin' too much firewood. a civil engineer. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything “bad” would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. “Yeah. fair doctor. asking me. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. Byte: What black flies do. Prompt: What you wish the mail was in mud season. it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1. She replied. Screen: What you need for black fly season. “Do you need some help?” I asked. Keyboard: Where you hang your keys. Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils. and then said confidently. “But even earlier in the book of Genesis. so she was using the ATM “thingy. put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. I tried it again. As he tried to explain. I ain't tellin'. 1st Person: “Do you know anything about this fax-machine?” 2nd Person: “A little. you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world. too?” I asked. Main Frame: The part of the barn that holds the roof up.” I replied. I told him to try installing MS Mistress 1. Wife 1. She said. “Ah. On top of that. “You know. and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world. “I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?” “Just use copier machine paper.” she told him. and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident. Program: What's on TV when there's reception. Wife 1. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. Chip: What to munch on. Although he did not ask for it. in the Bible. it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth out of the chaos.'“ she answered. smiled. and he said.” Tech Support: “Well?” Person: “How do I know when it's ready?” My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont.Jokes Well. Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.0 came with MS Mother-In-Law which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I'm not stupid or anything.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources. Digital: Like those numbers that flip on your alarm clock. Mega Hertz: When yer not carefull downloadin' (watch th' toes!) Micro Chip: What's left in the bag when the chips are gone. Apple: If you don't know. just what state is it in?” Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. CD ROM: The furiner at the bank that sells retirement accounts. Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy Laser: Someone less ambitious than you.” I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. but who do you think created the chaos?” Redneck Computer Glossary 486 MB: One of them fancy imported cars.” Tech Support: “What does the screen say now. Therefore. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. “Where's the key for that line thing?” I asked what he was talking about. there was 40 cents. “No. Modem: What you did to the hay fields. This clearly required surgery. Technology Is Just Not For Everyone I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on. and the same thing happened. particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. RAM: The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work. 'Hit ENTER when ready'. Then Mistress 1. and they asked for a credit card number.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus. Wife 1. Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup. Random Access Memory: You can't remember how much that new rifle cost when your wife asks. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said. handing it and the car keys to me.” The civil engineer interrupted. One of our servers crashed. Port: Fancy wine. that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark. but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1. that's it!” Oldest Profession A physician. “Well.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Line In: Whatcha do when you go fishin' or whacha dry yer laundry on. Log Off: Don't add wood.

This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth. I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in “Twister.” I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich. I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, “Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?” I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, “This movie has been altered to fit your television screen.” Comment from person: “How do they know what size screen I have?”
An ACTUAL dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

Jokes “Because there's a power outage.” “A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?” “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.” “Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.” “Really? Is it that bad?” “Yes, I'm afraid it is.” “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?” “Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.”

The Daily Prayer
Our programs who are in memory, Hello be thy name. Thy Operating System come, Thy commands be done, At the printer as it is on the screen. Give us this day, our daily data, And forgive us our I/O errors, As we forgive those whose logic circuits are faulty. Lead us not into frustration, And deliver us from power surges. For thine is the Algorithm, the Application, and the Solution, Looping forever and ever. Return.

“Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?” “Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.” “What sort of trouble?” “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.” “Went away?” “They disappeared.” “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?” “Nothing.” “Nothing?” “It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.” “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?” “How do I tell?” “Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?” “What's a sea-prompt?” “Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?” “There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.” “Does your monitor have a power indicator?” “What's a monitor?” “It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?” “I don't know.” “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?” “Yes, I think so.” “Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.” “Yes, it is.” “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?” “No.” “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.” “Okay, here it is.” “Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.” “I can't reach.” “Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?” “No.” “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?” “Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark.” “Dark?” “Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.” “Well, turn on the office light then.” “I can't.” “No? Why not?”

Virus Warnings
Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses: COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would. HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory. O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it. BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat. AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting. MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack. Once, if by LAN; twice if by C:\. POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism”. ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits. MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

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Jokes GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error). TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side. AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks. HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents: I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?” I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. “Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response... click. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.” I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said “But they look so close on the map.” Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.” A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that! A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while I “looked into it” ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.” A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.” A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look,I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.” A woman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: “Are you sure that's the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere.” The customer retorted, “Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don't mean Buffalo, do you?” “That's it! I knew it was a big animal!” Page 35

Windows 95 Defined
Windows 95: n.  32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

Ethnic Jokes
Americans
American Soldier
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?” The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?” The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired.” The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!” The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!”

Jokes

Yankee Ingenuity...
During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about US $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

themselves. Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job. Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness. Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them. Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem. Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer. Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box. Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels. Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels. Aussies: Export all their worst programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them. Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball. Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby. Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball. Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in. Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it “English”. Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English”. Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans. Aussies: Add “G'day”, “mate” and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid. Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island. Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island. Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country. Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country. Americans: Drink weak, p***y-tasting beer. Canadians: Drink strong, p***y-tasting beer. Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting p***. Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it. Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect. Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect. Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things. Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Antipodean Joke
An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night, having beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: “In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice.” The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: “Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.” The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says: “In London we have so many ****ing South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.”

Aussie Tracker
An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea. The Americans were incredulous. Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine. “Jacky,” said the tour guide, “what are you tracking and what are you listening for?” The aborigine replied, “Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat.” The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge. “Goddammit man, how do you know all that?” asked one. The Aborigine replied, “I fell out of the freckin thing about half an hour ago.”

Irish
Aerlingus
An Aerlingus jet was approaching a fogbound airport. They were unable to see anything and so had to depend on their instruments. Just before their wheels touched the ground the fog cleared and they could see the runway below them - with the boundary fence just in front of them. They could not take off again so all they could do was put the brakes on full lock, put full reverse thrust on the engines and hope for the best. The jet came to a stop with the nose up against the fence. “Whew - that must be the shortest runway I have ever landed on” said the pilot. The co-pilot looked out the side windows “Not only that - it's also the widest”

Cultural Differences Explained
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad. Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad. Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad. Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates. Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club. Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of

At the Pub
Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder. “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot.” Page 36

U Caesarean Section . it's like this”.to live long Enema . hmm. don't dig the garden up.” The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Irishman on the shoulder. Pay Rise Paddy and Shamus decided they were due for a pay rise.Jewish religious holiday Impotent .a higher offer Nitrate . “You're right. didn't know that. He goes into the Church and begins to pray. Shamus decided he wanted to be a detective. but the fact is. I didn't know that.. wow. thank you. the Englishman went back to his buddies.” (This joke works best with actions) Digging the Potato Patch An ageing man living alone in South Armagh.getting hurt at work Medical Staff . “For HEAVEN’S SAKE. “Why not?” “Well. well-known Labour Pain . Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?”. He is unshakable!” The third Englishman said “No.searching for kitty Cauterise .“Oh really.a sheep dog Coma .punctuation mark Congenital . Lotto night comes and Seamus still has no luck!! Back to the Church .. “I told him St.place to do upholstery Rectum .not Jewish GI Series . BUY A TICKET”. E. no.” The Englishman walked over to the Irishman.the study of painting Bacteria . didn't have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes. “try to punch my hand. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. you really are not qualified enough to get one”. and he put his hand up in front of his face. the foreman took his hand away and Paddy skinned his knuckles on the bricks.where Washington is Dilate . he said.well aware of Outpatient . but didn't find any guns. why have you forsaken me? I've lost my Farm. His farm has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. watch and learn. I will really piss him off. when you know the answer come back and see me” As Shamus walked outside Paddy came up to him and asked “Did you get the job?” “Not only did I get the job.letter carrier Prostate . “I hear your St. “Try to punch my hand”.. please help me.” Shocked beyond belief. The police sergeant asked him what he wanted and he said he wanted a job as a detective. that's where I buried the Guns!!!!!” At 4 a. I've lost my Farm. I'm going to lose my house as well. please let me win the lotto.a letter like A.that's what I mean” he said.Patrick was a transvestite faggot!” “Oh.damn near killed him Page 37 Irish Air Disaster Ireland's worst-ever air disaster occurred today when a small twoseater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Dublin. whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison. and so he went to the local Police Station to apply for a job. the next morning a dozen British soldiers turned up and dug the garden. I. Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what had happened.made eye contact with her Colic .soldier ball game Grippe .suitcasee Hangnail .cheaper than day rate Node .flat on your back Recovery Room . my house. asking him what to do now? The reply: “NOW just put the potatoes in.person who has fainted Pap Smear .distinguished.fatherhood test Pelvis . Patrick was a faggot and he didn't care!” “You just don't know how to set him off.can you tell me who killed Jesus Christ?” “I don't know” answered Shamus. Paddy said.friendly D & C . that's what your buddies were trying to tell me.” Puzzled. “God.” Jokes “My God.coat hook High Colonic . Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening. “See . The foreman said “I'd love to give you a raise.m. As Paddy swung his fist. “I hear your St. so they tossed a coin and Paddy got the job of asking the foreman for it. “Well. Seamus goes back to the Church. “Let's see how much you know then . I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE. O.what undertakers do after the doctors' treatment fails Bowel . Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Seamus is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: “SEAMUS. and Paddy left the office.a district of Rome Cat Scan . Patrick was an Englishman!” “Yeah. you just watch. Irish Cops Paddy and Shamus were unemployed and looking for work. Outside Shamus was waiting and asked. tapped him on the shoulder and said.not a friend Genital . my house and I'm going to lose my tractor as well”. please let me win the lotto”. the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “What do you mean by that?” The foreman placed his hand on the wall.back door to the cafeteria Barium ..cousin of Elvis Post Operative .a doctor's cane Morbid . but they've already got me working on my first murder case!” Lotto A young man from Ireland called Seamus finds himself in dire trouble. my tractor and my wife and 17 children are starving. no. So he wrote to his son about it and received a reply.” The Irish Guide To Medical Terms And Their Meanings Artery . I've lost my Farm an if I don't get some money. “Did we get the raise?” Paddy shook his head sadly. “God.

take your hand out of there and show me.” The Captain tried to correct him. sir. “No like Jew. Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence. He said. “Chinese. What part is it? The boy says.Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A . no. "I've been very weak. all same.” “Sir. said. no mattah.opposite to you're out Varicose .” When the waiter returned he said.Jokes Rheumatic .” Another thirty minutes of silence. these two. “Ooooh. Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah.." The son says. “You bombed Pearl Harbor. noooo. “Why not? Why don't you like Jews?” “Jews sink Titanic. Vietnamese.nearby Vein – conceited Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink: A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering. tomato Jews and grape Jews.” “Are you really sure?” Al asked again. I ask everyone in kitchen. replied. “No. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? A: Eventually. how are you?" "Not too good. "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.” The F. no like Chinese?? Why is that?” The Captain said. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic.' "Force yourself.” The F. That's why I don't like Chinese. That JAPANESE.” the waiter replied exasperated.. “I don't like Chinese. After thirty minutes." says the mother. He returned in a few minutes and said. who really did have Jewish mothers: Jewish Humour There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins." Q .Roman emperor Tablet .” The Captain replied. “I wonder if there are any Jews in China?” “I don't know. "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.(Sigh) Don't bother. the Rottweiler lets go.O. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie? A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes". Q . young man.Under the vacuum cleaner. and it was obvious by the silence that they didn't get along. “Nooooo. prune Jews. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.” the waiter replied. midnight is past your curfew.country in North Africa Tumour . No Chinese Jews. It was an iceberg..” ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER: “Again with the hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?” GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: “The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac." she replied.” And the Captain answered. Details to follow. I haven't eaten in three days. "I play the part of the Jewish husband. that's the biggest smile you can give us?” COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: “I don't care what you've discovered. “I will check again." A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.getting sick at the airport Tibia . “I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews. of course. "Wonderful.. I'll sit in the dark.more than one more Urine . the Captain finally spoke." The man says. Jewish Mother's Telegram: "Begin worrying. but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!” Jewish and Taiwanese Pilots The Captain was Jewish. “We have orange Jews. While he was still gone. “Why don't we ask the waiter?” When the waiter came by. the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school." A man calls his mother in Florida. Now turn it off and get to bed!” PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER: “I don't care where you think you have to go. “Sid.hiding something Seizure . Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answers. “I cannot believe there are no Jews in China.” “Are you sure?” Al asked. and the new First Officer was Taiwan Chinese.O." The mother scowls and says. she replied. let me ask. and he went into the kitchen. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said. if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket. “Do you have any Chinese Jews in China?” “I don't know sir.” “Iceberg.” Jewish Mothers MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces. sir. Japanese.How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A . Al asked him.” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. Rosenberg.amorous Secretion .” Sid replied. "Mom. “Sir. you can kiss your allowance good-bye!” THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER: “Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. “No. In Jewish tradition. you still could have written!” MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: “Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that junk off the ceiling?” NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER: “All right.” And. "That's terrible. They're all alike. It was the first time they had flown together. "So did my arthritis.a small table Terminal Illness .” asked Al. Q: What is a Jewish American Princess' favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdales When the doctor called Mrs. 'Lady. no Chinese Jews. Goldberg. Page 38 . Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back.. "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call." Jewish Chinese Jews Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. Finally the First Officer said. Sid said. Our people are scattered everywhere.. "Why are you so weak?" She says. it doesn't matter. not Chinese.

” The President-to-be responds. I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?” “I don't think so.” Page 39 . kosher all the way.a raincoat . a bookseller & printer. As they are constructing the tower. Luckily. but the fly was still alive and buzzing around. invented by Kirkpatrick McMillan. “What happened? Was the cord too long?” The first guy says. treated with Penicillin. Unfortunately. he falls again. Scotland. “That is really very impressive!” The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. a crowd begins to assemble. “Honey. who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her. I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown by Christian Dior. Slowly.” Wha's Like Us? The average Englishman in the home he calls his castle slips into his national costume . “you know I can't eat those rich foods you that your friends like to eat. “Yes I do. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. “You know. Susan Weinberg is being sworn in as President of the United States of America. discovered by Alexander Fleming of Darvel. founded by John Paul Jones. A gust of wind filled the room. Mom. only to find that the first person mentioned in that good book is a Scot . Scotland. His flashing sword went whoooooossshhh. “Wha's like us?” Three Samurai Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed new head Samurai. Scotland. During the day he uses the telephone. and your father isn't as young as he used to be. asked.” The second guy thinks this is a great idea. more and more people gather to watch them at work. Scotland. of Edinburgh.patented by chemist Charles Macintosh from Glasgow. only to discover that great institution was founded by William Paterson. so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need . He watches news on television.he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. where he might hear items about the US Navy. “No. So the President-elect calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day. The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. but the breech loading rifle was invented by Captain Patrick Ferguson.” “Her brother's a doctor. Scotland. At the office he receives mail bearing adhesive postage stamps invented by John Chalmers. Scotland. insurance. we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. bounces and comes back up again. The emperor exclaimed. If he escaped death. The emperor. Whoosh. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead on the ground in two pieces. obviously disappointed. but when he comes back up. “Don't worry Mom. an elastic cord. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. Everybody will be so fancy. the second guy finally catches him this time and says.” Mom complains. Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York. Having now been reminded too often about the prominence of the Scots.” replies Susan. Perhaps his only hope would be to get a transfusion of Scottish blood. a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai. entitling him to ask the world. who authorised its translation. Scotland. he is bruised and bleeding. of Pitfours. Scotland. an anaesthetic discovered by James Young Simpson of Bathgate. Scotland. “You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible. of Dumfries.King James IV. whoooooossshhh. whoooooossshhh. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out popped a fly. whoosh went his sword. The first guy says to the second. His children play on bicycles. This time.Jokes ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER: “But it's your senior picture. he might find himself on an operating table. “That is very impressive!”. but then the Scots make the best in the world. He could take a rifle and end it all. invented by Alexander Graham Bell. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out popped a little fly. “Don't worry about it. Nowhere can the Englishman turn to escape the ingenuity of the Scots. the cord was fine. So Mom agrees and so on January 21. “After all of that. The first guy jumps. En route to his office he strides along the English lane. the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. whoooooossshhh. 2013. a Susan Weinberg. In the front row sits the new President's mother. The emperor exclaimed. he comes back pretty messed up .” Mexican Bungee Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. of Dundee.” “I don't know. Out of the anaesthetic he might consider himself 'as safe as the Bank of England'. He drives an English car fitted with tyres invented by John Boyd Dunlop. He could turn to drink. Again. He bounces at the end of the cord. of Helensburgh. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out popped a fly. invented by John Logie Baird. becoming President of the United States?” The Senator whispers back.” “Don't worry about it Mom. The fly dropped dead on the ground in four pieces. “Circumcision is not intended to kill. It's a ten hour drive. surfaced by John Macadam of Ayr. I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. the second guy misses him. a blacksmith of Thornhill. of Kirkbean. “So ma. please. a veterinary surgeon of Dreghorn. why is the fly not dead?” The Jewish Samurai smiled and said. or given chloroform. I want you to come. A year passed and only three people showed up to apply for the position: a Japanese Samurai. whooooooossshhh. Scotland. and my gout is acting up again.a tower. Scotland. And a limousine will pick you up at your door. Couldn't you do something about your hair?” MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER: “That's a nice story. This time. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. he turns to his Bible for comfort. He sent a declaration out throughout the country that he was searching for a new head Samurai. the second guy isn't able catch him. etc. but what the heck is a 'pinata' ? “ Mothers and Daughters The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish President.” “Oh mom. Scotland. I don't know what on Earth I would wear.

holding out a handshake that. I will make you cry. announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early. In order to assure that your clothes do not. Page 40 . Places where there are no parents. The Eight Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter By W. policemen. Please do not do this. like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds. Is that because you're stupid. I am the all-knowing. or nuns within eyesight. Please don't take this as an insult. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. Places where there is dancing. Instead of just standing there. I want to be fair and open minded about this issue. so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. Places where there is darkness. once you have gone out with my little girl. “So. Now. I am the barrier. sofas. in fact. a shovel. and more than an hour goes by. I will remove them. dimwitted has-been. the voices in my head tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body. Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package. I have a shotgun. in order to ensure that your clothes do not. or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?” As a dad. or anything other than overalls. I have some basic rules. Bruce Cameron Copyright 1998 When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father. a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy in Hanoi. waiting for my daughter to appear. I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: Do not lie to me. Let me elaborate. When my Agent Orange starts acting up. Please don't take this as an insult. holding hands. do not sigh and fidget. Old folks homes are better. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression. Speak the perimeter password. politics. and other issues of the day. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body. come off during the course of your It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night. However. Still. Rule Nine: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. it is my turn to be the dad. I will remove them. years later. when it comes to sex. and I will not object. or anything softer than a wooden stool. which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room. we should talk about sports. you should not be dating. and I will kill you. and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her. because you're sure as heck not picking anything up. felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds. come off during the course of your date with my daughter. “I see you have your nose pierced. a sweater. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands within plain view. If I ask you where you are going and with whom. in fact.zipped up to her throat. so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. balding. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. But on issues relating to my daughter. why don't you do something useful. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house.” Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow. and a goose down parka . Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway. Still. I may appear to be a potbellied. but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. movies which features chain saws are okay. You may glance at her. Hockey games are okay. the whole truth and nothing but the truth. and five acres behind the house. I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. then return to your car there is no need for you to come inside. and I will not object. Be very afraid. merciless god of your universe. when gripped. However. with many opportunities to date other girls. I want to be fair and open minded about this issue. Rule Five: Be afraid. midriff Tshirts. so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big.” I'll call out jovially. or happiness. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big. Rule Ten: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world. sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. If you want to be on time for the movie. If you make her cry. tank tops. Rule Two: Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts. My daughter is putting on her makeup. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates. Do not trifle with me.Jokes Family 10 Rules for Dating My Daughter Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package. you have one chance to tell me the truth. middle-aged. Otherwise. you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. because you're sure not picking anything up.

It puts it's head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. they learn how to make machine-gun noises. 12. so distant. 1. If you make her cry. and it runs away. By the age of 6. 5. Before boys talk. Be there to open the door for it.but because they can dig them into a boys arm. Page 41 .not because they look nice . Please do not do this. Girls' rooms are usually messy. The more you go toward it. a sweater. Since you're the one who raised it. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie three times in a row. girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public. movies which feature chainsaws are okay. and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one. Otherwise. as if trying to remember where it has seen you before. 14. or anything softer than a wooden stool. it disappears. taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command. It bounds indoors with enthusiasm when you call it. or anything other than overalls. and I WILL kill you. and it jumps on the counter. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best. he will follow it with a dozen fake belches. Flooded with guilt and fear. Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner. Most baby girls talk before boys do. It's so easy to be a dog owner. or nuns within eyesight. 10. At an early age. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short. Boys turn into bigger boys Children as Pets I just realized that while children are dogs . You. why don't you do something useful. If a girl accidentally burps. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun. When you reach out to ruffle its head. even at an early age. Boys' rooms are usually messy. even if you're driving there. so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. Girls turn into women. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules? Jokes 3. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts. waiting for my daughter to appear. when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway. except it's a good smelling mess. boss it around. sort of depressed. she will be embarrassed. it twists away from you. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls. “Don't you remember being that age?” she challenged. Places where there are no parents. you should not be dating. boys and girls are not born the same. it looks amazed. they like to tear off their appendages. we should talk about sports. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house. and let it come to you. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. boys will stop giving their dad kisses. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world. not realizing that the dog is now a cat. and other issues of the day. My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. they like to dress them up and play house with them. You feed it. You won't see it again until it gets hungry -. I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. do not sigh and fidget.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative. If you want to be on time for the movie. you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. and more than an hour goes by. Boys grow their fingernails long because they're too lazy to cut them. You throw a little boy a ball. You throw a little girl a ball. Instead of dogging your doorsteps. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls. in that old affectionate gesture. as if wondering who died and made you emperor. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best. seeking that warm. If a boy accidentally burps. for the record. Girls grow their fingernails long .” Men and women are created equal. think something must be desperately wrong with it. and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church. train it. When you tell it to come inside. Put a dish of food near the door.date with my daughter. Then it will hit him in the nose. for crying out loud! And. Places where there is darkness. you assume that you did something wrong. with many opportunities to date other girls. you can learn to behave like a cat owner. sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. 4. once you have gone out with my little girl. I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them. Only now you're dealing with a cat. sofas. 7. girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy. get out of the car. policemen. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. One time. Hockey games are okay. Call it. It seems so antisocial. and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam's apple. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway. politics. My daughter is putting on her makeup. Girls are attracted to boys. 11. and it will come. 6.” Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow. a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Boys and Girls Boys and Girls Are Born Equal But Not the Same “Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same. But remember that a cat needs your help and your affection too. you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive. 9. tank tops. midriff T-shirts. your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat. wringing your hands. I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist. and he will try to catch it. 2. Instead of just standing there.loyal and affectionate teenagers are cats. Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other. and it will hit her in the nose. and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. I will make YOU cry. Sit still. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. 8. so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result. It won't go on family outings. I am the barrier. holding hands. the more it moves away. like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds. comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten. Of course I remember. By the age of 6. or happiness. Tell it to sit. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex. But. Places where there is dancing.then it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long enough to turn its nose up at whatever you're serving. and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early. Then around age 13. then gives you a blank stare. boys are attracted to dirt. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. 13.

at least once. give up and then find the ball in the hole. imagine how serene and quiet it would be Page 42 . “We're here to wear our favourite sweat soaked Boston Red Sox cap. or to tie the perfect fly.' “We're here to get the Frisbee to do things that would have caused medieval clergymen to burn us at the stake.One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen. at which Socrates. what I meant is. -Age 6 I gaze at the brilliant full moon. I want to see my grandpa again. Or to stand at the top of our favourite double black on a double blue morning and overhear those five wonderful words: 'Highway's closed. The really good stuff never does. “No?” And he said. “We're here to see the Great One setting up behind the net.that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. “We're here to rake on a jack high nothin' hand and have nobody know it but us. “Not really. We're here to win the stuffed bear or go broke trying. and I show him a copy of the Constitution. Too much snow. We're here to look all over. Why Are We Here? So we were lying on our backs on the grass in the park next to our hamburger wrappers. bottom of the career. I wish I'd spent more time on the Hibbings account. “We're here to be able to do a one-and-a-half for our grand kids. torn Slippery Rock sweatshirt and the Converses we lettered in. the grace to accept the things I cannot. the perfect house. except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. Or get in at least one really good brawl. Give me the strength to change the things I can. -Age15 When I go to heaven. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. “I've thought a lot about it. grown-ups spend so much time doggedly slaving toward the better car. finally makes the only perfect backdoor pass all season. Like leaving Wrigley at 4:15 on a perfect summer afternoon and walking straight into Murphy's with half of section 503. -Age 13 I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.” Then you'll realize your cat is a dog again. I guess I should have told him the truth -. 20 minutes after we pulled into the garage. 'That scar? I got that scar stealing a home run from Consolidated Plumbers!' Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey. “We're here to watch. I think to myself. They gasp with wonder. a little red 327 fuel injected 1962 Corvette convertible and an unopened map of Vermont's back roads. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. “No. tying some poor goal tender's neck into a Windsor knot. The way is heaven. the one whose glasses always fog up. We're here to be there when our kid has three goals and an assist. “We're here to pound the steering wheel and scream as we listen to the game on the radio. “We're here to get the triple-Dagwood sandwich made and the football kicked off at the very second your sister begins tying up the phone until Tuesday. We're here to make our dog bite on the same lame fake throw for the gazillionth time. -Age 5 I once thought that I heard the voice of God. I think maybe we're here just to teach a kid how to bunt. “Dad. Then. Aristotle.” It was just a lawn mower. And especially when he doesn't. Or finding ourselves with a free afternoon. Jokes “See. turn two and eat sunflower seeds without using his hands. 'Dang. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia. We're here to be the coach when Wendell. -Age 14 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour. and Plato gazed. “We're here to nail a yield sign with an apple core from half a block away. two out. “I don't think we're here to make SportsCenter. bases loaded. It said “Vrrrrmmmmm. I remember it's because he sucks. and a great big bag of money. Or as a little hole you couldn't get a skateboard through suddenly opens in front of Jeff Gordon with a lap to go. -Age 15 For centuries. Let me get those dishes for you. watching the clouds loiter overhead. on a Saturday morning with nowhere we have to go and no one special we have to be. -Age 11 I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. I imagine they appear beside me. son?” And he said. Or as the count goes to 3 and 1 on Mark McGwire with bases loaded. -Age 13 I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. son. -Age 10 Home is where the house is. Does that answer your question. “We're here to shoot a six point elk and finally get the f-stop right. -Age 6 My young brother asked me what happens after we die. We're not here to find a way to heaven. We're here to watch the Rocket peer in for the sign. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. and I don't think it's all that complicated. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. as the pocket collapses around John Elway. my 14-year-old son and I. -Age 10 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday.” And I said. -Age 8 Democracy is a beautiful thing. Dad. like they do for The Queen of England. catch absolutely nothing and still call it a perfect morning. why are we here when Mom said to pick her up 40 minutes ago?” Dad. then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26. and it's fourth-and-never. Of course. Suddenly. make the perfect cast. “You've been on your feet all day. and the pitcher begins wishing he'd gone on to med school. when he asked me. “I don't think the meaning of life is gnashing our bicuspids over what comes after death but tasting all the tiny moments that come before it. give you a big kiss and say. the big day that will finally make them happy when happy just walked by wearing a bicycle helmet two sizes too big for him. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. “None of us are going to find ourselves on our deathbeds saying. why are we here?” And this is what I said. The same one. We're here to witness Tiger's lining up the 22 foot double breaker to win and not need his autograph afterward to prove it. get a nice shiner and end up throwing an arm around the guy who gave it to us. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. just for the long weekends. people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humour. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies.' We're going to say.

until the looting started. -Age 15

Jokes 4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet....... Uhhhh that's a hard one. GOT IT, Velcro on the door will keep them closed. Scratch four. 5). Mop kitchen floor..... The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me. Scratch five. Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow. 6). Find something fun for the kids to do..... That tinfoil in the microwave thing was kinda fun. Scratch six. This is way to easy I'll have lots of time for the net. 7). Vacuum the carpets...... That's a hard one....... Hey kids wanna have some more FUN? Scratch seven. 8). Feed kids lunch..... Hey kids, don't you have a friend's house to go to? YESSSS Scratch eight !!!!!! 9). Clean out hallway closet...... Hmmmm another hard one. That's it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed. Scratch nine. Boy O Boy am I good, lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa no lunch dishes !!! 10). Do laundry..... no problem I can do that while I'm online. Scratch ten. 11). Fold laundry..... dang. Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna have to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear ?? Check this out a cashmere Barbie sweater, cool. Scratch eleven. 12) Put the laundry away.... Baskets in bedrooms work for me. Scratch twelve. This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about house work??? 13). Water the Christmas tree... Ooop's! Good thing the carpet is absorbent! Scratch thirteen. 14). Grocery shopping, Buy toilet paper....... These old newspapers will do, besides, that's recycling & that's good for the earth.... Scratch fourteen. 15). Pick up the kids...... Yeah right; we're talking about my kids here. Parents will normally pay to drop them back off. They'll be back. Scratch fifteen. 16). Make dinner..... Easy, “Hello do you deliver ? uhhh double that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow.” Scratch sixteen. 17). Clean out the dog house...... duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, like that needs to be done. Scratch seventeen. WOW all done. Still time for some webtime & a nap....... Man this is sooooo easy. Women must complain about house work just to make us guys think they're working. Wish I was a chick!

Fear
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can't dear,” she said. I have to sleep in Daddy's room.” A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, “The big sissy.”

First Parent
By Bill Cosby Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said to them was: “Don't.” “Don't what?”, Adam replied. “Don't eat the forbidden fruit.” “Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?” “It's over there,” said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry. “Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?” the First Parent asked. “Uh huh,” Adam replied. “Then why did you?” “I dunno,” Adam answered God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is assurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Gross
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, “Mom, look at this,” and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth, pretending to eat them, before rushing out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed with a devastated look on her face. “Mommy, where's my booger?” she asked.

How to Handle a Husband
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. “What a peaceful & loving couple”. The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. “Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America, “ explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, “That's once.” “We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, “That's twice.” We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. Page 43

Housework
This week I am at home & playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is soooooo easy I thought I would share it with you. 1). Make the beds...... What a waste of effort, we're only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that. Scratch one. 2). Pick up dog poop in yard....... It snowed last night, I don't see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop? Scratch two. 3). Drop your shirts off at the cleaners....... Duhh I'm on vacation I don't need them. Scratch three. This is easy, what's the fuss? Think I'll go online for awhile.

I shouted at her, “What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??” She looked at me, and quietly said, “That's once.” “And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after.”

Jokes I've learned that when you have three of your wild friends in the car the driver freaks. -age 9 I've learned that gold fish don't like jello. -age 5 I've learned that you should say your prayers every night. -age 9 I've learned that the older I get the less attention I get. -age 6 I've learned that sometimes my mother laughs so hard that she snorts. -age, anonymous :)

I've Learned...
I've learned that my daddy can say a lot of words I can't. -age 8 I've learned that if you spread the peas out on your plate it looks like you ate more. -age 6 I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it mom makes me clean it up. -age 13 I've learned that you can be in love with four girls at the same time. -age 9 I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. -age 7 I've learned that if you laugh and drink soda pop at the same time, it will come out your nose. -age 7 I've learned that when mommy and daddy shout at each other it scares me. -age 5 I've learned that when daddy kisses me in the mornings he smells like a piece of Jolly Rancher candy. -age 10 I've learned that when I eat fish sticks, they help me swim faster because they're fish. -age 7 I've learned that when I wave at people in the country they stop what they're doing and wave back. -age 9 I've learned that when I grow up, I'm going to be an artist. It's in my blood. -age 8 I've learned that you can't judge boys by the way they look. -age 12 I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. -age 13 I've learned that you should never jump out of a second story window using a sheet for a parachute.-age 10 I've learned that parents are very hard to live with. -age 12 I've learned that sometimes the tooth fairy doesn't always come. Sometimes he's broke.--- age 8 I've learned that if you talk too long on the phone with a girl, your parents suspect something is going on. -age 11 I've learned that girls sweat just as much as boys. -age 11 I've learned that when wearing suspenders with one strap down, you need to be careful going to the bathroom. -age 10 I've learned if you put a June bug down a girls dress, she goes crazy. -age 6 I've learned that it always makes me feel good to see my parents holding hands. -age 13 I've learned that you shouldn't confuse a black crayon with a Tootsie Roll. -age 10 I've learned that I would like to be a horse and live on a ranch, if only cowboys didn't wear spurs. -age 8 I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing “Silent Night”. -age 7 I've learned that sometimes I don't like to play ball with daddy because he gets mad when I drop the ball. -age 10 I've learned that milk helps keep your bones from bending over. -age 7 I've learned that the teacher always calls on me the time I don't know the answer. -age 9 I've learned how to hold animals without killing them.--- age 5

Letter From Camp
Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Mr. Soaringsome is making us write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are ok only one of our tents and two sleeping bags and Steven's backpack got washed away. Luckily none of us got drowned, because we were all up on the mountain looking for Travis when it happened, oh yeah, please call Travis's mom and tell her he is ok. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps we never would have found him if it weren't for the lightning. Mr. Soaringsome got mad at Travis for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Travis said he did tell him but it was during the fire so he probable didn't hear him. Did you know that if you pour gas on the fire that the can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn but one of our tents did, also some of our clothes did. Mark is going to look weird until some of his hair grows back. We will be home Saturday. If Mr. Soaringsome can get the truck fixed it wasn't his fault for the wreck. The brakes worked ok when we left. Mr. Soaringsome said, “With a truck that old ya haft to expect something to break down”, that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat truck though he doesn't care if we get it dirty, if it's hot sometimes he'll let us ride on the tail gate. It gets pretty hot with ten scouts in the cab. He lets us take turns riding on the trailer, well until the highway patrolmen stopped and talked to him. Mr. Soaringsome is a neat scout master. Don't worry he's a great driver in fact he's teaching Chucky how to drive, but he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see are logging trucks. This morning all of us were jumping off rocks and swimming in the lake. Mr. Soaringsome wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Travis was afraid he'd sink because of the cast he let us take the canoes across the lake. It was great you can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Mr. Soaringsome isn't crabby like some scoutmasters he doesn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the truck, so we are trying not to cause him any trouble, guess what we all passed our first aid skill award when Jim dove off into the lake and cut his arm. We got to see how a tourniquet works, also Jim and I threw up, Mr. Soaringsome says it's probably just food poisoning from the let over chicken. I have to go now were going to town to mail all these letters and buy some bullets don't worry about anything. Love, Johnny ps How long since it's been that I had a tetanus shot?

Parent Poem
Poem for Mom and Dads Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my sanity to keep. For if some peace I do not find, I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

Page 44

I pray I find a little quiet Far from the daily family riot May I lie back--not have to think about what they're stuffing down the sink, or who they're with, or where they're at and what they're doing to the cat. I pray for time all to myself (did something just fall off a shelf?) To cuddle in my nice, soft bed (Oh no, another goldfish--dead!) Some silent moments for goodness sake (Did I just hear a window break?) And that I need not cook or clean-(well heck, I've got the right to dream) Yes now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my wits about me keep, But as I look around I know-I must have lost them long ago!

Jokes Section Five -- Answer the question and state why. (19 points) Which of the 'Big V's' has made a bigger contribution to parenting -Vacuum cleaners 'Velcro' or the VCR?”

Parent Training
The things you wish someone had told you, or for those of us not yet encumbered by kids, a very effective method of birth control! HAVING CHILDREN? Follow these 15 simple tests before you decide to have children.. Test 1 Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a Beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 10% of the beans. Men: To prepare for paternity, go to local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time. Test 2 Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their Methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers. Test 3 To discover how the nights will feel... 1) Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some other obnoxious sound playing loudly. 2) At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep. 3) Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am 4) Set the alarm for 3am. 5) As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea. 6) Go to bed at 2. 45am. 7) Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off 8) Sing songs in the dark until 4 am. 9) Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off 10) Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. Test 4 Dressing small children is not as easy at it seems. 1) Buy a live octopus and a string bag. 2) Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning. Test 5 Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door saloon. And don't think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. 1) Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. 2) Get a coin. Insert it in the cassette player. 3) Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits, mash them into the back seat. 4) Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There.. perfect! Test 6 Get ready to go out. 1) Wait 2) Go out the front door. 3) Come in again. 4) Go out. 5) Come back in. Page 45

Parent Test
How many times have you heard the comment that people have to take a test to drive a car, but anyone can be a parent? A test is needed. And not one with a bunch of Bozo questions. No, this test will ask the REAL questions. Are you ready to find out if you have the right stuff to be a parent in the 90's? Get those # 2 pencils ready. And let's keep our eyes on our own papers, people. THE PARENTING TEST Section One --- Estimate the total number of times each phrase is used per parent per week. (2 points each) 1] I don't care what the other kids get to do. 2] Somebody's going to get hurt doing that. 3] Now we're REALLY going to be late. 4] Because I'm the Mommy (Daddy). 5] Let's not discuss that at the dinner table. 6] Why is your brother (sister) crying? 7] Okay... but only five more minutes. Section Two -- Fill in the Blank (3 points each) 1] Tickle Me ____________. 2] 101 _________________. 3] The Berenstain _________. 4] Clifford, the Big _________ Dog. 5] _______________ Meals. 6] Please won't you be my _____________? Section Three -- Match each vocabulary word with its definition. (4 points each). 1] Amoxicillin 2] Legos 3] Pull-Ups 4] Push-Ups ****** A] Small bits of plastic designed to accentuate any style of carpeting. B] A pink substance which is usually a regular part of a toddler's diet. C] A frozen food amazingly devoid of any nutritional value. D] A disposable article which one swears will only be necessary for a few weeks. Section Four -- Briefly describe the solution to each problem. (5 points each) 1] It is 8:50 a.m. School starts at 9 a.m. Where are your car keys? 2] She says that he started it. He says she started it. Who's right? 3] At 7 p.m., you must be at dance class with Debbie, Cub Scouts with Carl, and soccer with Susie. Without any slick manuevers, how will this be done?

“How are you. If you intend to have more than one child. “Somebody” never watched her “baby” get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten. I'll do your shopping. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.” The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. Important: No more than a four second delay between each “Mummy “ . You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler. 5) For the really adventurous. 1) Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls. 14) Give up and go back into the house. 2) Stir. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old child. smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. You have no time. “Somebody” said a mother can find all the answers to her childrearing questions in books.” she said. “Somebody” never organized 7 giggling Brownies into a cookieselling brigade. I guess I have the wrong number. and dead insect along the way. (A full-grown goat is excellent). “Somebody” said a mother always adores her children. do not even contemplate having children Test 9 1) Hollow out a melon. Now: 1) Take a cup of cream. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. “Somebody” never gave a squirmy infant a bath. George! Your husband!. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. I'm sorry. and close your eyes. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. “Somebody” never had a child stuff beans in her nose. 5) Continue until half the cornflakes are gone. the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight. Melchnik sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. Somebody Said… “Somebody” said a mother is an unskilled labourer. “sit down.6) Go out again. Test 11 Can you stand the mess children make? To find out.” “Oh. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down.. strap the cat into the child seat. Test 13 Start talking to an adult of your choice. “What kind of a day are you having?” “Oh. “Who's George?” “Why. 3) Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side 4) Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. and besides. Test 7 Repeat everything you say at least 5 times. take more than one goat.” There was a short pause and the housewife said. everywhere you go for the next four years. and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Have someone else continuously tug on your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing the “Mummy” tape made from Test 12 above. On top of that. remove and replace the cat at each stop. “Somebody” said you know how to be a mother by instinct. Play this tape in your car. darling. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture. 7) Walk down the front path/driveway. Until you can easily accomplish this. making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. Cover the stains with crayon.” said the housewife.. “Somebody” said that “good” mothers never yell at their kids. Jokes Test 15 Go for a drive. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls... 9) Walk down it again. “Somebody” isn't a mother. dirty tissue. -Marshel Reed The Housewife A worried Mrs. darling?” it said. “Somebody” said the hardest part of being a mother is labour & delivery. 6) Go directly to work. 10) Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes. 5) Do NOT change. 2) Make a small hole in the side. Test 8 Go the local supermarket. “I've had such a bad day.. How does that look ? Test 12 Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting “Mummy” repeatedly. “Somebody’s” child never sent a baseball through a neighbour’s picture window. “Does this mean you're not coming over?” Page 46 . 8) Walk back up it.Is this 555-1374? “No. so you don't have to tell her. Barney.. “Oh. “Somebody” said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed & one hand tied behind her back. In fact. 12) Retrace your steps. this is 555-1375. 4) Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel. and cook your dinner for you. Now stop crying. Teletubbies and Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years. 2) Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car. 13) Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you. inspect minutely.. 6) Tip the rest into your lap. “Somebody” said your mother knows you love her. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. 4) While holding something fragile or delicate.” “George?” said the housewife. relax. Run some errands. I'll do everything. 3) Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car.. mother. clean up the house. breaking into bitter tears. 3) Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt. I haven't had a chance to go shopping. “Somebody” never took a 3 year old shopping. “Somebody” never tried to comfort a colicky baby at 3 am. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.lang=ENUS> 11) Stop. I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once. Test 14 Put on your finest work attire.. but first. and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum. Test 10 Learn the names of every character from the Fimbles. I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around.

“Hi. So leave a message. your reason for calling. we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message. to be Man for only 20 years is too little. it was never yours to begin with. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck. and told him: “You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man.” And it was so.” “If you are a burglar. You feel very.” “Hello. and always will be yours. and told him: “You are a Monkey. You will be funny. I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. If it never returns.” And it was so. Laid him out. number. it's YOU. If it comes back. One of those reasons is Why we're not here. don't worry. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough. this is George. Please.” A Man’s Life God created the mule. and I'll think about returning your call. and told him: “You will be a Mule. After the tone. 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick. If it just sits in your living room. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. the only rational being that walks the earth. Leave a message. windows. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Their carpets are always clean.” And the monkey responded: “Lord. So. Please speak very slowly. Say. uses your telephone. you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. or a hot tub. so at the sound of the tone. to live 25 years as a dog is too much. This is his refrigerator. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. I am probably home. you didn't lend me enough money. Then God created the dog. takes your money. Peter. "Yeah. if you want anything cooked while you leave your message. no more than 10 years. Otherwise. about two minutes ago. and you shall live for 20 years. God then created the monkey. then. you will swing from tree to tree.” “Greetings. Then. and then wait by your phone until I call you back.” And the dog responded: “Lord. give me the 20 years the mule refused. They give to charity through their office and do not need any pictures taken. sleepy now. you are talking to a machine. Page 47 . acting like an idiot. carrying heavy loads on your back.” “Hi. If you're still with me. guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry. there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. while St.” You're growing tired. You will eat grass and you will lack intelligence. there they were.you're in. I am capable of receiving messages. This is John: If you are the phone company. please send money. If you are a female. Please.” The mule answered: “ To live like this for 50 years is too much.” And the man responded: “Lord. You will live for 50 years. Lord. leave your name and number and they will get back to you. this is Sally's microwave. and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.this is a telepathic thoughtrecording device. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world.” “Hello. deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" St. waiting to be admitted. you owe me money. Infuriated. acting like a fool to amuse his grandchildren.. Now you say something. and a number where I can reach you.” “Hi. messes up your stuff. set it free. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man. impressed. Please. and walked up to the leader of the gang. please hang up. If you are my parents. he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog. eats your food. A is for academics. God created Man and told him: “You are Man. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years. the 15 years the dog refused. a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. to whom you will be his greatest companion. so I'm stuck with taking her calls. They believe the stock market is a random crapshoot. My owners do not need siding. about 50 of 'em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman. and the entire insurance industry is one huge scam perpetrated by Mafioso accountants. and the ten years the monkey rejected.. says.Jokes General Jokes A Good Deed A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years. As I walked up to the leader. I got out of my car." The guy thinks for a moment. Answering Machine Funnies “Hi! John's answering machine is broken. Your eyelids are getting heavy. just hold it up to the phone. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED -. We know who you are and what you want. in his old age. B is for beer. St.” And it was so. Leave me a message. Finally. to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. If you are my friends. and a message Hi. and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place. Please. to live 10 years as a monkey. it was. I already sent the money. think about your name. working constantly from dusk to dawn.Peter goes through the Book several times and furrows his brow "You know. the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. but you never did anything really good either. "Really? When did this happen?" "Oh. I have plenty of money.” “This is not an answering machine . You either married it or gave birth to it. If you are my financial aid institution. Lord. then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. give me no more than 30.” And it was so. I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them." A Twist on Philosophy If you love something. grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk. and if I don't call back. And it was so. give me no more than 10 years.

” The man was disappointed. she suddenly sat up. Happily. “We can't tell you about the sound. the man pondered the source of the alluring sound.. Their cars weren't scratched. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver. Hearing a disturbance a neighbour came over and. climb out and swim to shore -. As she was leaving the room. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.. In 1983. was laid out in her coffin. Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down.. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk. listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night. clambered over a nine-foot wall. Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare. the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. in 1979 after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train. George Schwartz. seized the opportunity to loot the place. Mike Stewart. then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors. killing him. backed away briskly. Silently. While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside. The following morning he begged the monks to explain the sound. When the train roared through the crossing. It too drove on. rolling him into the gutter.I. the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. The monks gave him the same answer as before. Belgium. Hospital officials said he would recover. the man was finally established as a true member of the order. “We're sorry. During quiet moments afterward. he returned to the scene to search for files. In a classic case of one thing leading to another. broken pelvis. The taxi drove away and. dropped down and found himself in the city prison. as the monks were repairing his car. the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims. smashing the cart into the sports. hitting his head. Both men were hospitalised with severe head injuries. and he died of a fractured skull. I can't tell you what it was. Walter Hallas. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. broken leg.. leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. The punch caused Hallas to fall down. her arms laden. was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door. another car ran into him. England. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti. and other assorted injuries. he was joined by a farmer with a goat. “We're sorry.where a tree blew over and killed him. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. each more magnificent than the last. 31. The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. Her daughter dropped dead of fright. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men.Y. When the celebration ended. which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -. Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh.killing him. The horse. England. You're not a monk. a thief fled out the back door. As he did so. but eager to be gone. Mr. The next morning. You're not a monk. A monk answered. 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa. Seventeen years later. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay. Italy. the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit-Bob Finnegan. But. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman. He opened the door with a golden key. and so the man stayed with them again. when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. When a fourth vehicle came along. We can't tell you about the sound. Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. R. A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured. finding what she thought were two corpses.” By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when Jokes they smacked together.Bad Luck A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples. but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money... The remaining wall then collapsed on him. Depressed since he could not find a job. Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp. The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before. He decided to give up everything and become a monk... presumed dead of heart disease. His wife pleaded for him not to do it. the outraged and suspended Mr. with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. N. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack.” the monks said. owner of a factory in Providence. At this. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the centre of the road. a delivery van plowed through the crowd. After treatment for minor injuries. and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor... seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames. Italy. he heard the strange beautiful sound. Carson of Lake Kushaqua. he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound.. Not a man to be trifled with. which was not up to this sort of excitement. in 1983. Page 48 . Bob Finnegan. He managed to break a window. As mourners watched. The monks agreed.car. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled. the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. Late that night. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. he asked about the sound that had woke him. so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. for that was the only way he could learn about the sound. narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. as Finnegan lay stunned in the road. the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. Beautiful Sound A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery. a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds. In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman. he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. At last report. followed in short order by a man in a sports car. You're not a monk. It went off and killed his wife. a Mrs. While he sat idling. Several years later the man happened to be driving in the same area.

ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? In Modesto. “Boss. Bubba BUBBA There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Bubba got a new job. pick somebody else!” This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! “The president. how about a fountain of Smart? Have You Flogged Your Crew Today? Page 49 . pretending to have a gun. Bumper Snickers (and other one-liners) We have enough youth. I can see Tom Selleck. I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!” and he leaves. “No. the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. I can even take the Pope! But when a nun standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Bubba?' that's a little more than I can take! A man spoke frantically into the phone.000 home last month . DO-IT-YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY?? In Ohio. the man shouted. “when someone broke in and stole my new security system. Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says “Boss! Boss! Wake up!” and when his boss comes to. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody. THAT SMARTS!! A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. so he says “No you do not know everyone in the whole world” but Bubba says “Yes I do!” so Bubba's boss says “Well prove it!” then Bubba says “Pick someone. Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes “Tom!!!” and Tom goes “Bubba!” and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it. “Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!” Bubba says “Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!” but Bubba's boss says “No you weren't!” then Bubba says “Yes we were!” so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.I'll work my way up there and when I do. pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!” And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says “The Pope! You do not know the Pope!” and Bubba says “The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!” and Bubba's boss says “No he didn't!” and Bubba says “Yes he did!” so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. Bill Clinton! You don't know President Bill Clinton!” but Bubba says “Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!” Bubba's boss says “No you weren't!” and Bubba says “Yes we were!” so they fly to Washington and they catch the President at a press conference.” THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka. I can see Bill Clinton. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. They work their way through the crowd-without much luck-. CA. Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up. he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside is Bubba! Shortly afterwards. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.so Bubba says “Boss. he asks “Boss what happened!” Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says “OK. officers discovered that the man was standing beside them. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba gets close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves “Bill!” and the President waves “Bubba!” and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned-he can't believe it. “this is her husband!” WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! Police in Oakland. kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. But then he thinks “Well that could happen. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man. Bubba says to his new boss.. But then he thinks “Well that's just two people in one country-that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!” so he tells Bubba and Bubba says “OK.a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. which he claimed had been stolen. “This is even worse than last year. it's just one person. He received a $26 million severance package.” said police spokesman Mike Carey.Jokes Brain Surgeons WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!! AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership.” said the distraught homeowner. “That's not what I said!” OUCH. Bubba's boss passes out. “Give me all your money or I'll shoot”. Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon... California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. hell. IT JUST DOESN'T PAY! Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127. Apparently.. you idiot!” the man shouted. After firing ten tear gas canisters. and I know them!” Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. I know everyone in the whole world!” His boss doesn't believe him. an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain.” so he tells Bubba and Bubba says “OK. SOME DAYS. “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. shouting out to give himself up.. were never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what-. “He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants.

then where's my ticket? Don't take life too seriously. It's lonely at the top. it's not permanent. Be good. Nuke Unborn Gay Whales For Jesus! Anything that begins well. Things get worse under pressure. Having a good time can be deadly. Hate you. but I put it off. It's not hard to meet expenses.it's so daily. Fine day to work off excess energy. Pride is what we have. Jokes In God we trust. it was a joke. there is an equal and opposite criticism.. Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Earn cash in your spare time. it'll break. OK. Please have exact change. tomorrow.. I'll do the rest. If at first you don't succeed. Do we know that life has a cause? Husbands Are Proof That Women Have a Sense of Humour. Fewer men act it. is obsolete. Pride is what we have.. Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from? Any given program. It’s bad luck to die on your birthday. you won't get out alive. I said “no” to drugs.. Vanity is what others have. I do what the voices in my head tell me. Public opinion is what people think other people are thinking. Daddy. Auntie Em. not in your hands. Life's too short to dance with ugly women. Madness takes its toll. Honk if you understand punctuated equilibrium. Be nice to your kids. Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. just like everyone else. Always remember you're unique. Everyone is entitled to my opinion.. Your Mother's Choice was Pro-Life. Nothing is illegal until you get caught.. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. what do humanitarians eat? When in doubt. Everything takes longer than you think. Don't take life too seriously. Wink. You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. steal something heavy.. People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. Always remember you're unique. I'm serious. Love isn't love until you give it away. If at first you don't succeed. Where there's a will. Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.they taste just like chicken. blackmail your friends. and forget to start again? Ever stop to think and forget to start again? I'm not as think as you drunk I am. Laughing Stock: cattle with a sense of humour. to hell with it. when running. Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface. Support bacteria. they're everywhere.. Keep grandma off the streets. Vanity is what others have. except this one. Black holes are where God divided by zero. maybe. Never eat more than you can lift. hate Kansas. Micronesia: a condition wherein you forget one little tiny thing.I'm the guy your parents warned you about. redefine success.. [Waah. all others must pay cash. Save California. The trouble with work is . if you can't be good. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Time flies when you don't know what you're doing. I'd explain it to you. Few women admit their age. I've no time to prepare a profound message. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Who said things would get better? Things will get worse before they get better. They'll choose your nursing home. just like everyone else. Legalize bingo. will you go away! I was going to procrastinate.” Eat American Lamb. when you leave take someone with you. It's bad luck to be superstitious. Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it. Wipe your butt with an owl. use brute force. taking the dog. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. All others we monitor. So what's the speed of dark? Dare to keep the CIA off Drugs. untie! In theory. use a bigger hammer. In God we trust. Dorothy. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. Life is God's way of preserving meat. Since when is talking a sign of thinking? Page 50 . you're there. They'll choose your nursing home.or pet sweaty things. but your brain would explode. Ten Million Coyotes Can't be Wrong. Don't use force. If you mess with a thing long enough. I love cats. ends badly. If I promise to miss you. Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. LSD melts in your mind. but they just wouldn't listen. There's an exception to every rule. forget it! Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. they were depressed. If vegetarians eat vegetables. Humanoids should always wrap their lunch in a road map Life without bears would be unbearable. You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. If you knew what you were doing. it's the only culture some people have. Life's too short to dance with ugly men. Jesus saves.. Dyslexics of the world.. except this one. They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid. you'd be bored. For every action. Life is a terminal disease. No matter where you go. but you eat better.] The pants were very sad. MicroSloth: “Bringing you ten-year-old technology. Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. There's an exception to every rule. why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? Ever stop to think. I want to be in it. A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. Look out! Behind you! Half the people you know are below average. Death is life's way of telling you you're fired. everything works. Be nice to your kids.by shopping wisely and using coupons Save the trees.. It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow. If life's a trip. Don't sweat petty things.

Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction. My rules apply only to other people. run over a chicken! * Clever is getting out alive. If you think talk is cheap. Keep America beautiful. . Learn from your parents' mistakes . You always find something in the last place you look. it must be obsolete. I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. Never trust a nun with a gun. Put on your seatbelt. it just looks like one. Friends help you move. Life is just one of those things. No sense being pessimistic. Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art. I wanna try something. All things are possible. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. except skiing through a revolving door. Impotence: Nature's way of saying “No hard feelings” Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister Beat the 5 o'clock rush . Make WAR. My mind was never what it used to be. they're cheaper than day rates. Keep that sense of humour. Editing is a rewording activity. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn It's all a pigment of your hallucination. the Air Force doesn't exist. Get out of my reality! Dijon vu--the same mustard as before. It's not an optical illusion. You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT. he made so many. try hiring a lawyer.A. Very funny Scotty. Happiness can't buy money Page 51 . Juveniles. Work is for people who don't know how to fish. THANK GOD ONLY ONE CAN WIN A kibble is one thousand nibbles. I saw. Gravity is a myth.. most simply ignore them. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Slightly Older in Other Places. who stopped payment on my reality check? Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Use Caution in Passing . Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms.suicide passing side --> Test tube babies shouldn't throw stones. Demand real Poo! Rehab is for quitters. I like quality. Arachibutyrophobia: fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of mouth. it's safer! Multi-tasking: messing up several things at once. I'm not one of them. Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.. you'll never do enough. Students may like nitrates. not myself. If you're gonna' panic. Getting old isn't so bad when you consider the alternative. so little time. Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! WHAT LIGHT?? I'M STILL LOOKING FOR THE TUNNEL!!!!! How does Teflon stick to the pan? How does Teflon stick to the pan? CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh. OK.A. Everyone has a photographic memory. Flying saucers are real. Laugh at your problems. I did a little shopping. If you understand something today. You can't fall off the floor. Some don't have film. park elsewhere! Education is the progressive discovery of our own ignorance The course of progress: Most things get steadily worse. now go home.A.. Promote pork.. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. not quantity. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back. I can handle pain until it hurts. For Sale: Parachute.. COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage. Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! Two wrongs are only the beginning. Who cares who's on board? Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.Leave work at noon! I'm objective. it would say goodbye. Fun is just point of view. Illiterate? Call This Number for Help.A.use birth control. No matter how much you do. Of all the people I know. No radio. Honk if you're overinsured My karma ran over your dogma. Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. everyone else does. Was today really necessary? If it's not nailed down.accidents cause people. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Only used once. Minds are like Parachutes. I poured spot remover on my dog. Some have morals. The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. small stain. never opened. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. It wouldn't work anyway.Visualize using your turn signal. Most people make sense. you're one of them. Already stolen. it's critical. it's fair game. swallow your beer cans. Tell me to 'stuff it' . now beam down my clothes. I need someone really bad.An organization for drunks who drive. Jokes Forget about World Peace. not SEX. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? Young at Heart. Real friends help you move bodies. panic constructively. the Earth sucks. but this wasn't it. Hey you! Get out of the gene pool! A. If you haven't much education you must use your brain..I'm a taxidermist. Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? God must love stupid people. Boycott Shampoo.. Life is a sexually transmitted disease. Sleep with a cop.. Feel safe tonight. some don't. Little rivers which run into the Nile. I just love nonverbal communication! Which is the non-smoking lifeboat? I brake for no apparent reason. I came. <-. Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap. Are you really bad? It's not just reality that matters. Never take life seriously. They work best when open. Welcome to Texas. I object to everything....If money could talk. now he's gone.Driver Chewing Tobacco Don't drink and park . So many pedestrians.

it's the people in it. I keep us up with the Simpsons. Forget the Joneses. Never lick a gift horse in the mouth. and failure in full view. Constant change is here to stay Why do psychics have to ask for your name? Real women don't have hot flashes. irresponsible. The unexamined life is not worth living. Life is too important to be taken seriously. Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and for profit.rely on them. There's no future in time travel. though interesting. If. To err is human. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. it pours. A good pun is its own reword... Why should I grow up? This is more fun! Don't steal. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. I'm only a hypochondriac when I'm feeling sick. A closed mouth gathers no feet. to moo bovine. and I married their King. please? Gun control is hitting what you shoot at A fool and his money are soon partying. If you're gonna go. disorganized. can we use swords? We do precision guesswork. IBM: The stupidity goes in when the name goes on. All men are idiots.. Honk if you like peace and quiet. Honk if you love cheeses. He who hesitates is probably right. make someone feel important. Honk if you love cheeses. They told me I was gullible. He's electroencephalographically challenged The weather is here. There's no future in time travel. I brake for hallucinations. Don't Honk . I'm schizophrenic.. If they outlaw guns. charge it. is that multitasking? Do not believe in miracles . a two letter word for futility CAUTION . Wish you were beautiful. Success always occurs in private..Driver legally blonde! Montana -. You can't be late until you show up. Got it! When it rains. I'm surrounded by idiots! Me a skeptic? I hope you have proof. The ultimate reason is “because. I'm weird. Incontinence Hotline. One good turn gets most of the blankets. Saw it. The government hates competition.. You've gotta' die in creative ways. If you're rich. The facts. Polynesia: memory loss in parrots.. Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with.and GIVE IT TO ME NOW! Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! Change a life.At least our cows are sane! 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. He who laughs last thinks slowest.. Stop crime at its source! Support Planned Parenthood. Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. they have power surges. My child was Inmate of the Month at County Jail Jokes God doesn't believe in Atheists. Oh Lord. Sometimes I think I understand everything. give me patience... Life without glasses is fuzzy-wonderful. Page 52 . it will probably look right.. Jesus is coming! Look busy ! Don't take me literally. 90% of everything is crud. Lead me not into temptation. Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun. you're too old. If you didn't get caught.. If you read in the bathroom.I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can It's only hopeless if you walk away. Everything is unimportant in some way.. Everything is possible. The 100% American is 99% an idiot. but I'm FUN. Wish you were beautiful. Back in five minutes. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. No matter what goes wrong. Gravity always gets me down. are irrelevant. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. to forgive is not Company Policy. I'm single. Kiss your keyboard goodbye! Whoever has the gold makes the rules. and the hours are a bitch.” Your lucky number is 3234554 My Other Car is a Broom. CAUTION: I drive like you do. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Kiss me twice. Being Politically Correct means Always Having to Say You're Sorry. it's got an excuse. I don't care. Life's a tough job. There are two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead. If it's too loud. Will Rogers never met a lawyer. I don't have to. The weather is here.. I'm Immature. How can I miss you if you won't go away? Out of my mind. If you can't go first class. I'm not gifted. go obnoxiously. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. and LOUD. lazy. If it's too loud. just not too probable.. and I believed them. Wanted it. I can find it myself. Had a fit.Can you hold. Your lucky colour has faded. Personally.Too close for missiles: Switching to guns.. It's an IBM. did you really do it? Don't let schooling get in the way of your education. He's not dead. Life isn't weird. Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. Where does it go? after I flush it. just don't let them carry guns. To err is human. My other wife is beautiful. you're too old. Don't you just hate rhetorical questions? Your lucky number has been disconnected.. New with a K in front is a Canoe.. Pets aren't dangerous.Then I regain consciousness.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.. I'm changing lanes. I know my biology. I don't date outside my species.. Nothing is as easy as it looks. confuse them. H-to-O. Imagination is the foundation of reality. throw up. Hairy Kiwi: Death by fruit.Taxed to death. Die Anyway.. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. somewhere else... Never play leap frog with a unicorn. and eradicate superfluous redundancy. Looking to God for answers is premature. they will. It's been lovely. Stay Fit. the problem doesn't exist. I don't get even. Heart Attacks. Circular. Roosters crow. So you're a feminist. If I can't fix it. Help stamp out. Smile. but only two will fit. Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest. Beer isn't just for breakfast any more. I'm not a complete Idiot. Eat Right. Cover me. Page 53 . Being good at being stupid doesn't count.. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. We're staying together for the sake of the cats. Don't even putt. it will. I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays. My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Student. Watch for finger. don't drive. Sorry. According to my best recollection. Today is an excellent day to have a rotten day. Jokes Circular Definition: see Definition. drive safely: heaven's full I don't suffer from stress. confuse them. but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. cheat or steal unnecessarily.Die anyway! Eat Well. When things just can't get any worse. Life is uncertain. If all else fails. lower your standards. Your daughter could be in this vehicle. According to my calculations. I've got the page numbers done. stay up and fight. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.. It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. Laughter is the closest distance between two people. If you cannot convince them.. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. If you drink. Born free. they're made to be broken. Reality is a figment of your imagination. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE. Have a nice day.. A day for firm decisions!!! Or is it?? Nice guys don't finish nice. Don't laugh.. If you can't convince them. Laws are like bones. Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged With Battery.. I is a college student. Stay Fit. I Love My Country . eat dessert first.. except from a vending machine. i souport publik edekashun. The more you complain. somewhere may be happy. I get odder. Speak softly. it's not loaded. They Just go Downhill. delete. Old Skiers Never Die. Chemistry professors never die. Horn broken. Kinky sex is for those who can't handle normal sex. Eagles may soar. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. it's your biology I don't know. If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help. some parts are missing. tomorrow will be worse.But Fear My Government The gene pool could use a little chlorine.BLIND DRIVER Wanna get stoned? Drink Wet Cement! In case of doubt. Just take a cold shower and sleep it off. Body by Nautilus. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.It's only a game until you lose. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. brain by Mattel I'm writing a book. make it sound convincing. Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs! Discourage inbreeding. I don't lie. If Murphy's Law can go wrong. they just smell that way! Never test the depth of the water with both feet. Repetition is always better the second time. Friends don't let friends drive naked. hens deliver. A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. The shortest distance between two points is under construction. settle for a good fantasy. cancer cures smoking. Save the whales. I'm trying to reload CAUTION . Believe in Darwin. Death is the consequence of being alive. It said 'Insert disk #3'. but marriage is a real eye-opener. but I have to scream now.. collect the whole set. the longer God lets you live. The buck doesn't even slow down here! Push something hard enough and it will fall. Excellent time to become a missing person.Isn't that cute. I don't remember. Any given program costs more and takes longer. When all else fails. Abandon the search for Truth. I'm a carrier. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone. Change is inevitable. PLANT A MAN Grow your own Dope . The world is coming to an end. Famous last words: Don't worry. Please log off. It's not my driving. Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.. Never go to bed mad. Is there life before coffee? Do unto others before they do unto you. ban country music. it ain't broken. Change is inevitable. Reality is only fantasy gone stale. There's one in every crowd and they always find me. Thanks for not BREEDING! Stupid People Shouldn't Breed. Geez if you believe in honkus. except from a vending machine.God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. There's one in every crowd and they always find me. The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep. but carry an M16. He thought the formula for water was H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O. Love may be blind. Death to all fanatics! All generalizations are false.Plant a Politician.

Beautify Texas. Originality is the art of concealing your sources.m. a man yearns for the woman he loves. “Do you want my opinion?” . I'm schizophrenic.broads hate that Consider yourself hugged. The only evidence against evolution are its opponents. I'd love to go out with you.Beat yourself up! Gravity doesn't exist . Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. A gleekzorp without a ternpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of) Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade! To succeed in politics. Thank God I'm an Atheist A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. Scream and shout. This is not an abandoned vehicle. After marriage. what colour does it turn? A mind is a terrible thing not to mess with. Live teddy bears are best. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Nobody's ugly after 2 a. Elvis is dead. [Read Backwards] Fight Crime: Shoot Back! Out of Body. and never see that person again. And so am I I think that I think. no! Not ANOTHER learning experience! I'm an imbecile and I vote Be fruit fly and multiple.earth sucks! Don't be sexist . on a jeep) Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton. Oh. Your kid may be an honours student. Now I'm not sure. and then you're reincarnated. A waist is a terrible thing to mind. Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down. and I'm not feeling too good myself. but I'm having all my plants neutered. Nothing is ever 100% So many men ~ So few bullets! Jokes |||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work. When someone says. My schedule is already full. Back in Five Minutes. Page 54 . Reality is all a point of view. If today was a fish.I didn't do it! Assist the Police -. therefore I think that I am. Do what comes naturally now. Schizophrenia beats being alone. Life's a beach. Death is hereditary. buy a tank. Now Accepting Compliments Boldly going nowhere There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. There cannot be a crisis next week. I used to be indecisive. it is often necessary to rise above your principles. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. I Cayman went. When in danger. please flip me back over. Eschew obfuscation. Life is recursive. Dogs believe they are humans. why be? Cautious: Breathing may be hazardous to your health. It's been Monday all week. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. I'd throw it back in.. Ill-bred children are always displaying their pest manners. Anything that begins badly. it will just take a moment to fix. Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. Life's a bitch. Stay off the furniture. My honor student will be your kid's boss. Pain and suffering are inevitable but misery is optional.. If you think nobody cares if you're alive. and then you drown.. Health Idea: Otherwise known as “Do you need an attitude adjustment?” How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost Before marriage. So you gotta use your elbows a lot. Never go into a hug off balance. It's a small world. Hard work has a future payoff. Famous last words: Don't unplug it. Death is hereditary. Run in circles. Cute and interesting are two different things. Nothing ever goes away. Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book. maximum I put the “fun” in dysfunctional. Paul Revere was a tattle-tail. ends worse. Too much of a good thing is wonderful. Put a Yankee on a bus. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.. Avoid reality at all costs. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch. If you lend someone $20. but enemies tend to accumulate. Some are Bachelors. It was such a lovely day I thought it was a pity to get up.it's always a negative one. This is not an abandoned vehicle.00 worth of ammunition per assailant. Laziness pays off NOW. Don`t take life so seriously. What is a “free” gift ? Aren't all gifts free? Whatever it is -. Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization. Hugs don't feel as good on the computer. (seen upside down. Mother Nature is a bitch. Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor. Roses are red Violets are blue. Driver needs only $2. If you can read this. The Universe is a figment of its own imagination. You've been leading a dog's life. it was probably worth it. Friends may come and go. Drive defensively. the 'Y' becomes silent. Not All Men are Fools. Exxon Suxx. And payback's a BITCH! The whole purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others.If you can't be weird. When in doubt. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. If you choke a smurf.. Why be normal? Be ridiculous. but you're still an idiot. Scixelsyd Etinu. try missing a couple of car payments. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.you'll never get out of it alive I think animal testing is a terrible idea. Cats believe they are God.

I can slam on my brakes and sue you! If you can't dazzle them with brilliance. Do not walk ahead of me. Do not walk behind me. Do not walk beside me. Jury . If they're OK. Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. I'm just an expert at being confused. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. If a motorist cuts you off. Join the Navy. Small ones can be just as effective. travel to exotic places. too. Throw him as far as you can. If you can read this. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and. Sticks and stones may break my bones. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. but when you get down. 'Oh what a tangled web we weave' . Just leave me the hell alone. Never hit a man with glasses. There's no point in being grownup if you can't be childish sometimes. for I may not follow. Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell. Honesty is the best policy. it doesn't mean playground rules aren't in effect Fine day to throw a party. anyway. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Just because we are grown. and when it isn't. Life's a trip and then you run out of Travellers' Checks.Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. Live fast. but then I forgot it. Never give a sucker an even break. If you can't be good. had better have damn good life insurance. but whips and chains excite me. And. just leave me alone. Wouldn't it be nice if there was an Escape key for all of our problems? Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph. either. she bought a new suit of clothes. Bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass If at first you do succeed. Of course I'm Drunk. THINK--it gives you something to do while the computer is down. Always keep a record of data . I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people. it would be easier for a camel to pass thru the eye of a needle if it was well greased first. try not to look astonished. Page 55 . You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you ! People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do. It doesn't matter how hard you've studied. for I may not lead. the more I like my dog. Sex is like air. Her body was recovered. Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window Hug Your Kids at Home and Belt Them in the Car. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. If you think you can get into my house and confiscate my firearms. He that hurts me. courage to change the things I can. learn to enjoy doing it badly.. catch embarrassing diseases. it will have to be changed.. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. you're not going to survive it. It's easy to criticise. Amnesia used to be my favourite word. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. is a ruined hairstyle and worms on the sidewalk Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats. But I'm totally unprepared for everyday life. and it doesn't make any difference.. Do not walk ahead of me. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.. meet nice people. I'm prepared for all emergencies. A real friend will be sitting beside you in the cell saying “Wow that was fun” Don't tell me any big lies today. and leave a good looking corpse behind. Do not walk beside me. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. A friend will bail you out. talk in your sleep. What do you get when you combine a dyslexic. it keeps you clean. I don't know. I believe for every drop of rain that falls. either. take everything you can from him. riddle them with bullets You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. but insanity is a better defence. I don't care. for I may not follow. It's not when you get up. too. Hit him with a baseball bat. it's not important unless you aren't getting any. and wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say. If you can't be careful. If you can't learn to do it well.you can't wait to throw up. give me a call. If a women changed her sex. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. it will have to be documented. Do not walk behind me. Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Jokes Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. a flower grows.you might hit a bump and spill your drink. they always find me anyway.. Feeling down?? Just remember that behind every dark and stormy cloud. I say to you. they have their own problems. we would have been born naked. for I may not lead. I believe in getting in hot water. You will be dead before you leave! I'm not a psychiatrist. be careful. Usually when your car windows are down. cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.Do I Look like a Bloody Stunt Driver? Paranoids are people. an atheist and an insomniac? Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there's really a dog. die young. Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit! The real trick to carrying on is not getting carried away. The more people I meet. If a program is useless. My kid gave your honor student the answers to the final exam! I've given up trying to escape from reality. Check 3 friends. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. You're being followed. just turn the other cheek. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.. lo. “Diplomacy” is saying “nice doggy” until you can find a big rock.Don't drink and drive . what would her religion be? She would be a he-then.. Don't worry about life..it indicates you've been working. Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. but does not kill me. If a program is useful. the material won't be on the exam anyway. If God though that nudity was OK.. but if everybody hated you. you'd be paranoid.Hair Club for Men. Into every life some rain must fall. you're it..

then you ain't lost.. Had this been an actual emergency. and winners never cheat. Once a job is fouled up.you guess which three! Get forgiveness now . to be nuts is normal. and be able to smile at anything. If quitters never win. Clothes make the man.It pays to remember your social obligations.. it needed replacement anyway. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. As long as there are tests.. It's not what you say in your argument. But my aim is improving. why spoil it by making it legal? I must have a prodigious quantity of mind. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train. Sex is not the answer. Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.. I couldn't repair your brakes.357 Magnum three days of the week. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself. but not the fact that I am right. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. If you don't go to other people's funerals. You'll get over it. you can't do enough to make your dreams come true.. Around here. If God intended men to smoke. I have crossed and recrossed the line between sanity and madness so many times that I have all but rubbed it out. Jokes Life is easier than you think. if you can't laugh at it. it's just my policy. If you don't care where you are.. I love deadlines. If we don't know it already. Page 56 .. Tomorrow isn't looking good either..would GOD have granted us Monday?? To some its a six-pack. I have always been crazy. you are in really deep sh*t. I may be fat but you're ugly. we would have fled in terror and you wouldn't have been notified. and I can lose weight.. DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Always try to be modest. especially after you've already eaten it. they move it. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Naked people have little or no influence on society. If you are feeling good.tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. there will be prayer in schools. Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. I enjoy every minute of it. anything done to improve it only makes it worse. Yes is the answer. every happy moment in my life came from lying. And be darn proud of it! Don't play with your food. Today is not your day. We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. Please hold.. You are only young once.. If it doesn't fit. I should have known better. they won't go to yours. I have not yet entered geezerdom. How do you tell if you've run out of invisible ink? How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? I'm not a creep. It's better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end.. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Please hold.it never would have started with something called LABOR!!! The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. You can't dream too much. Life is a glitch in the universal program. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. force it.. don't worry. do it neatly. He would have set him on fire. is it considered a hostage situation? Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough. it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.all you have to do is: Accept the impossible. If it was going to be easy to raise kids. No matter how bad a situation is. for half as long. When you do a good deed.. I'm too busy to insult you. but it kept me from going insane. the more of your body is required on it. bear the intolerable. Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out. he would have given him rabbit ears. Do without the indispensable. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. “Happiness is your Mother-In-Law's Picture on the Back of a Milk Carton” Every time I think I know where it's at. My opinions may have changed.. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? If God had intended man to watch TV. The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. If walking is so good for you. but your humiliation is important. it's how loud you say it. Reality is a nice place. then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hutt?? Of course there is no reason for it. death is just the programmer's way of debugging. I don't suffer from insanity. I still miss my Ex sometimes. It's beautiful the way it is. I'm too busy to insult you. Relax---If we weren't meant to keep starting over. to me it's a support Group Driver carries a. Sex is the question. For all soldiers: Remember your equipment was made by the lowest bidder. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the drive before it has stopped snowing. Everything I need to know I got from watching Gilligan's Island. but I can see it from here When you do not know what you are doing. Two can live as cheaply as one. so I made your horn louder. The colder the X-ray table. no service GALS: No shirt. but your humiliation is important. get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS. but I wouldn't want to live there. An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth. I'm actually a wonderful person hiding inside the body of a creep. chances are we're not interested in learning it. (Reported to be seen on a restaurant) GUYS: No shirt. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life. then who is the fool who said “Quit while you're ahead”? Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. to be sane is stupid. if it breaks. I don't think I'd be so bored if I didn't have so much to do. Not one shred of evidence exists in favour of the idea that life is serious.. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. but you can stay immature indefinitely. no charge I can please only one person per day. I love you more today than yesterday: Yesterday you really got on my nerves.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. don't call anyone. Experiments should be reproducible . For him to get an idea. why can't we remake it? When you find yourself getting irritated with someone.. I'd love to go out with you. Time is the best teacher.I Have PMS and a Handgun in the Glovebox When I'm feeling down. but it's my parakeet's bowling night.. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. Always take time to stop and smell the roses. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. the salty-snack group. Never argue with an idiot. I like that in a person. If there were no such thing as bears. When you're in love. see the world. I'm not crazy. but some of us are closer than others. Some just abuse the privilege. but I'm not straining. If he isn't there the first time you need him. I don't care who you are. you can eat me! (seen on a corvette driven by a “drop-dead gorgeous blonde”) I have a new philosophy. because the average man can see better than he can think. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Back OFF .. it would be a surgical process. So stay on your land. what kind of hugs would we give? I may have my faults.. Sometimes I wake up grumpy. go out and make some of your own. there's a lot of stress here. Jokes This land is your land. Everyone has a right to be stupid... If you don't like the news. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. I'm just a sane person trapped in the body of a lunatic. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group. I'm going to miss her. you have overlooked something. He heard she was stuck up and asked how much they got. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. That's why the highway department made so many of them. If you can beat me. Next time. Unfortunately it kills all its students. and badassed traffic. How 'bout coming up to my place for a spot of heavy breathing? The world's so terrible that one can only make fun of it. Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. Gosh.Life's biggest question is whether or not you're happy . if this had been a real emergency. Oh well. I like to whistle. I have a firm grip on reality. I wouldn't recommend sex. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.but eventually they move out. but being wrong isn't one of them. it's always room temperature. smog.' If we're going to have fun. When asked if he had missed school lately.. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. So if you're going to steal the neighbour's newspaper. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. Now I can strangle it. Just take another road. Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing. she's going to leave me. we've got to be serious about it. 42. Anytime things appear to be going better. try leaving it behind okay? I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. you'd be dead. and rotten to the core. but I can't figure out the plot. kill them.. meet interesting people. If ours is a man made world. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains. try to remember that all men are brothers.. That way. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. you're at the mercy of a stranger. and they ARE out to get you. that's the time to do it Yeah.they should all fail in the same way. the boy said 'Not a bit. when a salesman calls. you'll inhale a bee. depraved. but had seen them kill mice. You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car! This was only a test. Whoever said money can't buy happiness doesn't know where to shop The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent. If you lived in your car.. Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the road when one of them was assaulted? It doesn't matter what temperature a room is..it's cheaper than plastic surgery.. but they've always worked for me. Page 57 . It IS as bad as you think. You're twisted. but with yourself. Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought: “Where the hell is the ceiling?!” It's always darkest before dawn.not with others. He had never seen the Catskill Mountains. and sooner or later. No one is perfect. If you don't like my driving. always keep one finger on the escape key..it's backed up on tape somewhere. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. but at least it's the scenic route. I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. the caffeine group. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over. Everyone has a right to be stupid. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. or where you would rather be. Powers? I don't need no stinking powers. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Just remember. I tried sniffing Coke once. Join the Army. My life has a superb cast. you'd be home by now Revenge is a dish best served with a side of obsession and a nice tall glass of spite. but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. chances are you won't be needing him again. This land is my land. I haven't lost my mind -. Some just abuse the privilege.. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn. My wife says if I go fishing one more time. Other times I let him sleep. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. Motherhood is full of frustrations and challenges. drugs or insanity for everyone. The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. Drugs may lead nowhere. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. what you are driving. you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up. I've got a plasma rifle! You moved here to get away from high real estate prices. and the “whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-ofthe-fridge-is” group. On the keyboard of life.

as a matter of fact.. Millions of years ago. As they lay down for the night.. If you think this week was a drag.. If you are given on open-book exam. the son said: “Dad.... Laugh at my lunacy...Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them. research is copying from two or more. (Rule of Weekend Studying) TODAY is the TOMORROW you worried about YESTERDAY. Vehicle secured by mafia: You hit our car. You Tolerate my trivia. The former ruler of Russia and his wife were called Tsar and Tsarina. Tell me what you need. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test. Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.. Theologically. If at first you don't succeed.. Now that I've finally got my act together. . Money Isn't Everything. What counts is whether I win or lose. and I'll tell you how to get along without it... until he chances to look Page 58 . It's the second best thing you can do with your lips. I guess you'll just have to rent it. the more time you'll have to catch up. the sun comes up in the west. and some days you're the statue. your income tax refund check bounces. Suicide Prevention puts you on hold. Yes. A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.but a weed bouquet in a chubby fist.. The sooner you fall behind. Son: “And what does that tell you?” Dad: “Astronomically. it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. expecting further pastureland. you will forget your book...orchids can enthrall. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. A rose can say I Love You.. wait till you see what happens next week! If swimming is so good for your figure.thats what I call TLC!!!!!!! Its not whether you win or lose.. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?! !!! (men saying this are known to die a violent death.. Who would frame someone with a fake? You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.OH MY that says it all! Never open a book before 4 p. If you parked any closer I'd need a can opener to get out! Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.. If money can't buy happiness. Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- Jokes Of course it's the murder weapon. Meteorologically. you put your bra on backwards and it fits better. I lie down til the thought goes away.. and hungry. He loiters in midair. soliloquizing flippantly. I like you. Trample anyone who gets in your way. Just plead the Fifth -.life is 10% how you make it. What does it tell you?” Son: “Somebody stole our tent”. your pet rock snaps at you.. If everything is coming your way. the bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. then you're in the wrong lane. I'd love to go out with you. . for I am the meanest sonofabitch in the valley. Accept that some days you're the pigeon. I will fear no evil. and Care when I cry. we hit your car. so clearly their children were called Tsardines. I think mine got hit by a truck. His Father responded: “I see millions and millions of stars”. but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles..and all is well. the blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.. it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Smile.m. Plagiarism is copying from one source... but I decided it was more fun when it was dirty. Then things get worse. If only I could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. . What More Do You Want? I cleaned up my act once. Cartoon Physics Cartoon Law I Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Don't compute and drive.either way... though I walk through the valley of death. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff. . but it doesn't mean you should be. you put both contact lenses in the same eye. But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.. Take everything in stride. last year I think it was a Tuesday. When does summertime come to Minnesota you ask? Well..... destroy all evidence that you tried. man climbed out of the slime... wet... You want to join the party? Don`t forget. I wouldn't know how to act if I weren't in trouble. Sunday. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. They keep saying the right person will come along. it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed. . he's the prince of wails. Camping The father and his son went on a camping trip.. I do own the whole damn road! Yea.and there aren’t any… The new baby is like royalty.and 90% how you take it. You know it's a bad day when. … you wake up face down in the gutter … you go to put on the clothes you wore home from last night’s party . A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Tell me what you believe and I'll tell you where you're going wrong.. Who wants to take over the world?!? Then you have to run it. It's your right to be stupid.... .. you jump out of bed and miss the floor. I may be slow but at least I'm ahead of you! Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they AREN'T after you. the life you save may be your own. tedious and absolutely no fun. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way. . which is stressful. We are born naked. The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.. look up into the sky and tell me what you see”.. . you will forget where you live.) Everytime I think about exercise. ..or drink it -.. how do you explain whales? What you don't do is always more important than what you do do.. Your type doesn't stay around long enough to stay your type... I've forgotten what I'm supposed to do with it. but I have to stay home and see if I snore.

A `wacky' character has the option of self.down. Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in “cool” characters (see Amendment B. but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward. a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up. They can be decimated. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. Cartoon Law VIII Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. providing an unexpected source of warmth from above. Chimney Safety (1999) A married couple wanted to keep their home fires burning. This is ultimately a problem of art. As the head begins to fall. not of science. Such an object is inevitably priceless. The husband and wife survived. Characters who are intended to be “cool” can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. that part will begin to fall. Unfortunately they neglected to extend the chimney through the attic to the roof. A big bang indeed. Cartoon Law VI As speed increases. or the crest of a flagpole. so instead of hiring a professional. others cannot. For instance. As the wave reaches its torso. They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky. At this point. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot. the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over. Cartoon Law III Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. they brought the stove home and installed it themselves.. usually to the cradle of a chandelier. which started up again the next morning. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. cherries. who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit. but they cannot be destroyed. spindled. especially when in flight. The inevitable happened. Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. so eat as many as you want. The heat and sparks built up in the attic and set their home ablaze. the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful. splayed. they reinflate. For that reason. They figured it didn't take a rocket scientist to install this basic bit of heating hardware. Pleased with a job well done. objects can be in several places at once. After a few moments of blinking self pity. Cartoon Law VII Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. Also called the silhouette of passage. this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house. Cartoon Law IV The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights. snap back. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyses this reaction. Cartoon Law Amendment B The laws of object permanence are nullified for “cool” characters. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. causing its legs to stretch. Cartoon Law Amendment A A sharp object will always propel a character upward. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease. Cartoon Law IX Everything falls faster than an anvil. Cartoon Law Amendment E Dynamite is spontaneously generated in “C-spaces” (spaces in which cartoon laws hold).. you're eating it too slowly. Firefighters had failed to fully extinguish the fire. accordion-pleated. causing the neck to stretch. with great velocity. Cartoon Law X For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. they settled down to a cozy evening in front of the fire. Cartoon Law II Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. burning the house to the ground. Cartoon Law V All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Page 59 . Snohomish County firefighters extinguished the fire. spliced. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. Cartoon Law Amendment C Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. or disassembled. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground. in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. Its feet will begin to fall first. Cartoon Law Amendment D Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths. which may be a special case of this law). Solution: Eat it in the parking lot. we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead. and decided to install a wood stove in their Granite Falls home. Chocolate CHOCOLATE TIPS AND FACTS If you get melted chocolate all over your hands. But the fire was not quite out. elongate. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). a treetop. or solidify. Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behaviour of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground. the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking. They even remembered to cut a hole through the ceiling for the chimney vent. Chocolate covered raisins.replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. Jokes When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin). and the couple returned to their home to console each other over their $8000 loss.

Neither one works.. HANDKERCHIEF Cold Storage. Generally. the first thing to do is stop diggin'. After eating an entire bull. If calories are an issue. Always drink upstream from the herd. An entire garment industry would be devastated. If it don't seem like it's worth the effort. The preservatives in Chocolate make you look younger. is a balanced diet. Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. DUST Mud with the juice squeezed out. When you're throwin' your weight around. it will keep in the freezer. As for the quiche. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. grill it. Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly. COMMITTEE A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya. it may be a sign of a deeper problem. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back. The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes.Police suspect a cereal killer. eat it. Chocolate sings. store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Two phrases: Money talks. Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit. start off by pinnin' him down and changin' his oil. continue to let it bake. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence. The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. SKELETON A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. there would be no need for control top pantyhose. the harder it is to swaller. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.. INFLATION Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. MOSQUITO An insect that makes you like flies better. Meanwhile. CANNIBAL Someone who is fed up with people. EGOTIST Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. BEAUTY PARLOR A place where women curl up and dye. Cowboy Wisdom “Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. and a lotta that comes from bad judgement. and when it's done. try orderin' somebody else's dog around. Never ask a man the size of his spread. Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew. Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day. When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person. The moral: When you're full of bull. unless you're out of good whiskey. If you find yourself in a hole. The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. When dealin' with a slick son of a bitch. at least you'll get one thing done. a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. It's not so important to know what it is. Jokes Never follow good whiskey with water. CHICKENS The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. it probably ain't. Page 60 . If not for chocolate.. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. But if you can't eat all your chocolate. Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions. you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'. That way. and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks. and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd. SECRET Something you tell to one person at a time. but it's sure crucial to know what it was. Don't squat with your spurs on. Corny Local man found dead: A local man was found murdered in his home in Northern New South Wales over the weekend. RAISIN Grape with a sunburn. A Cowboy's Guide To Life” by Texas Bix Bender Never ask a barber if you need a haircut. but otherwise ignore it. Calories are afraid of heights. The colder it gets.. Isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate. keep your mouth shut. be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning. There's more ways to skin a cat than stickin' his head in a boot jack and jerkin' on his tail. Good judgement comes from experience. Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. A smart ass just don't fit in a saddle. Definitions Definitions that Make Sense ADULT A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. get out a large Tbone.

Maine didn't like Mr. More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea. Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie: Here lies the body of our Anna Done to death by a banana It wasn't the fruit that laid her low But the skin of the thing that made her go. The outer wood Is very good: We cannot praise The other. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind. England: Gone away Owin' more Than he could pay. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. cemetery: Here lays Butch. Food Tips For Bachelors HOW TO TELL WHEN YOUR FOOD IS SPOILED Whether you are a mom who cooks for many. New Mexico. the egg is probably past its prime. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Playing with names in a Ruidoso. DAIRY PRODUCTS Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. England. cemetery: Anna Wallace The children of Israel wanted bread And the Lord sent them manna. Fargo Co. Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. Arizona: Here lies Lester Moore Four slugs from a. In a Silver City. Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife. MAYONNAISE If it makes you violently ill after you eat it. Vermont: I was somebody. 1837 Aged 45 yrs. or a new college student who for the first time has his or her own refrigerator -.Went out of tune. 1767 In a Ribbesford. In a Georgia cemetery: “I told you I was sick!” John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne. He is not here. Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip: Who was fatally burned March 21. We planted him raw. Massachusetts: Under the sod and under the trees Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. England cemetery: Ann Mann Here lies Ann Mann. 2. You have character lines Jokes In a cemetery in Hartscombe.Jonathan Fiddle . Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls. so you will know what to eat and what to toss. Wood: In Memory of Beza Wood Departed this life Nov. WRINKLES Something other people have. Memory of an accident in a Uniontown. He was quick on the trigger. Maryland. Epitaphs On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery. The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard. the mayonnaise is spoiled. Here lies one Wood Enclosed in wood One Wood Within another.E. But slow on the draw. England. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone. And the Devil sent him Anna. Lester Moore was a Wells. New York: Born 1903--Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket. cemetery: Reader if cash thou art In want of any Dig 4 feet deep And thou wilt find a Penny. London. cemetery: Here lies an Atheist All dressed up And no place to go. cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast Pardon me For not rising. is no business Of yours. Nevada. there's only the pod: Pease shelled out and went to God. Virginia: She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her. In a London.TOOTHACHE The pain that drives you to extraction. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.you will eventually all open the fridge one day and say to yourself. YAWN An honest opinion openly expressed. EGGS When something starts pecking its way out of the shell.Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102 The Good Die Young. A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange Here lies an honest lawyer. Page 61 . Someone in Winslow. 8. Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe. Dec. station agent for Naco. And that is Strange.44 No Les No More. Who lived an old maid But died an old Mann. It was. a bachelor who cooks on rare occasions for himself. THE GAG TEST Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night). Pennsylvania cemetery: Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.”Can I eat this or will it kill me? Well here are some guidelines to help you get through the crisis. 1870 by the explosion of a lamp filled with “R. Who. In a Thurmont. TOMORROW One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond. England: On the 22nd of June . Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid” Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany.

FROZEN FOODS Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled . there is an equal and opposite criticism Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with No one is listening until you make a mistake Success always occurs in private and failure in public The colder the x-ray table.rusty and illegal in 37 states Quantum mechanics. it is often necessary to rise above your principles Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive Two wrongs are only the beginning The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory Change is inevitable except from vending machines Get a new car for your spouse.. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. so far. BREAD Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots” that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. to steal from many is research To succeed in politics. Groaners Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa Page 62 .the dreams stuff is made of The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes Support bacteria . RAISINS Raisins should not be harder than your teeth. so good If Barbie is so popular. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. CARROTS A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh. have you noticed how popular it remains? Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool. you have different fingers. CHIP DIP If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor. UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Honk if you love peace and quiet. If at first you don’t succeed. Carefully. toss it. I just got lost in thought. FLOUR Flour is spoiled when it wiggles. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. try missing a couple of payments How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand. Collect the whole set. (We didn't think you needed guidance with this one) CANNED GOODS Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. it has gone bad. then skydiving isn’t for you. A day without sunshine is like. why do you have to buy her friends? Mind like a steel trap.. It was unfamiliar territory. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Atheism is a non-prophet organization He who laughs last thinks slowest Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm Eagles may soar. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster.they’re the only culture some people have When everything’s coming your way. POTATOES If it looks like it is ready for planting. Anything you say will be misquoted later. Remember that half the people you know are below average. You have the right to remain silent. but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid. the more of your body is required on it The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. night. the meat is spoiled.it’ll be a great trade! Plan to be spontaneous. but the second mouse gets the cheese. you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. EXPIRATION DATES This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Save the whales.tomorrow. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener If at first you don’t succeed. Jokes Despite the cost of living. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol I intend to live forever. Always try to be modest and be proud of it! If you think nobody cares. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. On the other hand. Generally speaking. but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines The early bird may get the worm. 42. LETTUCE Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. destroy all evidence that you tried A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it For every action.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this. Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them. MEAT If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a threeblock radius to congregate outside your house. EMPTY CONTAINERS Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick.(or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

Jokes Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now. What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an “A” bra. fuzzy. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist What has four legs. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? She says. jury hung Never withhold herpes from loved one Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Death causes loneliness. What do the letters D. Veterinarian Takes Over Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Milk drinkers are turning to powder Stolen Painting Found by Tree Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Is there a ring of debris around Uranus? NJ judge to rule on nude beach Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge Hospitals are Sued by 7 foot Doctors Smokers are productive. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Stud Tires pit Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Miners Refuse to Work after Death Include your Children when Baking Cookies Bank Drive-In Window Blocked by Board Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests Man Minus Ears Waives Hearing Child's death ruins couple's holiday Farmer Bill Dies in House Typhoon Rips through Cemetery. is big. How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. Expert Says Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire Child's stool great for use in garden Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing Reagan Wins on Budget. but death cuts efficiency Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash. I want a new apartment.” What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? “Dam”. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses. How do you get two bagpipers in tune? Shoot one. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise. How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it. Teachers Request Training Queen Mary having bottom scraped William Kelly was fed secretary Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Organ festival ends in smashing climax Panda mating Fails. and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table. But More Lies Ahead Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy Dealers will hear car talk at noon Quarter of a million Chinese live on water Grandmother of eight makes hole in one Page 63 Headlines Eye Drops off Shelf Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Man is fatally slain .N. Hundreds Dead Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84 Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Two convicts evade noose. feeling of isolation Two Soviet Ships Collide. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese. and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg. “Daddy. What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a chainsaw? You can tune a chainsaw.A. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers. green. One Dies House passes gas tax onto senate War Dims Hope for Peace Sex Education Delayed. stand for? National Dyslexics Association.

C. 1785 B. Within the week.. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No. body thoroughly used up. 79 A. and prove similar to the modern games. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. Cocoabeans . 1 B.Good Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one. 214 B.... They've finally gotten those boulders arranged in a sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse the hell out of scientists for centuries. Need grain? Eat chicken. 3.. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.St. In fact. 2900 B. composed of a year with 354 days. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. Brandy is distilled wine. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. Page 64 . totally worn out.Wondering why the Egyptians call that new thing a Sphinx becomes the first of the world's Seven Great Wonders.The first calendar. Beer is also made out of grain.don't waste them on exercise.C. explain whales to me. 1768 B... It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.. I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember. 1850 B.C...C.. 432.. thereby establishing the business ethic for all times. It May Last a While Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter Autos killing 110 a day. it gets bigger. 404 B. Crash Probe Told Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply Air Head Fired. Wine is made from fruit.Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors into slavery. immediately causing the world's first known counterfeiter to appear in Persia the next day. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well.. 525 B. etc.Tens of thousands of Chinese labour for a generation to build the 1. is introduced by Babylonian scientists. thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.Buying property in Pompeii turns out to have been a lousy real estate investment. sorry. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.D.??? Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: 'Round' is a shape! History A BRIEF HISTORY OF TIME 3050 B.. your ratio is one to one. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Everything wears out eventually. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland..Babylonians realize something is wrong when winter begins in June.C. Faces Time Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years If Strike isn't Settled Quickly. Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure. not at all. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.The first Olympics are held. 1. “Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body.Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan Plane Too Close to Ground. My philosophy is: No Pain.The world's first known money appears in Persia.A Sumerian invents the wheel. that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. if you have a body and you have body fat. here's the final word on nutrition and health. and that's it. 2. it still doesn't keep the neighbour's dog out. And what are these? Vegetables. except that the Russians don't try to enter a sixfooter with a moustache in the women's shot put....C.C. thus removing the biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years Jokes Well. the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians.WOO HOO! What a Ride!” And for those of you who watch what you eat..C.500 mile long Great Wall of China. that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). However..Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. If you have two bodies. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.and screaming .C. And after all that.Pizza in the other . Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats. 5.. let's resolve to do better Dr. Steals Clock.C. 776 B. your ratio is two to one. 4. they're permeated in it. but rather to skid in sideways Beer in one hand . CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO . How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle. Healthy Lifestyle Hints The Facts: Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year. Want to live longer? Take a nap.C.The Peloponnesian war has been going on for 27 years now because neither side can find a treaty writer who knows how to spell Peloponnesian. the Egyptians do! 410 B.

Charles Darwin writes “Origin of the Species”.As if the Great Depression weren't giving businessmen enough headaches.Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.Michelangelo finally agrees to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.John Dillinger is gunned down by police as he leaves a Chicago movie theatre. ambitious country can do with a little bit of ingenuity and a whole lot of evil! 1456. he is only 988 years off. 1850. 1568.Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins the Battle of New Orleans a month after he should have received the letter telling him the War of 1812 is over. 1815.Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as they've won the war doesn't prove to be as strong an incentive as he had hoped. 1865. and immediately discover there are no jobs open for a kid with a liberal arts education.New Jersey is chosen as the site of America's first Indian reservation. 1618. 1944.Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe.” 1805.Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty.Portugal launches the African slave trade. 1758.The pilgrims are too busy burning false witches to observe the golden anniversary of their winning religious freedom.” but he neglects to add that most Americans will soon be without pots and garages. the least diplomatic thing she ever said. 1763.The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as “John Smith”. 1297. 1933.John Paul Jones notifies the British.Henry Clay announces.Napoleon decides to maintain a position of neutrality in the American Revolution. 1773. but he still refuses to wash the windows.The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking illegal in the U. 1513. Except for the 40 million who don't stop! 1924. And just to make the evening a complete washout. 1920. 200 Years later. 1670. 1859.Hitler establishes the Third Reich. As matters develop. How are you? I am fine.Thomas Edison displays the first motion picture.Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbour.S. 1894.Amerigo Vespucci becomes the 7th or 8th explorer to become the new world. 1776. and calling the people who live there Indians.1000.People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back. coming from a guy who has run for president five times without winning. which just proves what a small.Hitler is released from prison four years early. who know the world is flat. The dog wasn't discovered until 1938. naming the place San Salvador. However.William Henry Harrison is elected president in a landslide. she was put to death in 1431.” which gets quite a laugh. but fails to gross as much money.The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 1799. 1934. 1934. 1497.Scientists..The opening of the Trans-Siberian Railway enables passengers from Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days. “I have just begun to fight!” and then feels pretty foolish when he discovers that his ship is sinking. 1928.“Let them eat cake!” becomes the most famous thing Marie Antoinette ever said. conclude that Magellan made it all the way around by crawling across the bottom. 1770. 1930. The French and Indians both lost. Ivan the Terrible kills another 100. 1755.Leif Ericsson discovers America.Roald Amundsen discovers the South Pole and confirms what he's suspected all along: It looks a helluva lot like the North Pole! 1912.the United States of Vespuccia! 1508. at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.Saddened over the slander of his good name. 1933. the planet. Not the dog. Ralph Nader is born. 1779. he didn't enjoy the movie either. so everyone stops. Also. Jokes 1793.Pluto is discovered. the practice is so un-Christian that it is permitted to continue for only 600 years.German housewives begin to realize why that crazy wallpaper hanger with the moustache never came back to finish his work.Herbert Hoover promises “a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage. primarily because he is only seven years old.An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. the last thing she ever said.Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.The world's first stock exchange opens. 1938.The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill anyone who disagrees with the Law of the Church. 1840.. “I'd rather be right than president.000 peasants to make them stop calling him Ivan the Terrible. 1607.Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender. enabling peasants to solve the most baffling problem that confronts them: How much tax do you owe on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI percent bracket? 1233. 1492. but the first to think of naming it in honour of himself. Page 65 . “Dear Ramses. stupid. 1903. 1043. 1125. 1642.Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary. British call the act “barbaric. “Tippecanoe and Tyler too” is so meaningless that very few can disagree with it. 1522. but dies of old age trying to remember where it was he found it.Columbus proves how lost he really is by landing in the Bahamas. 1433.Lady Godiva finds a means of demonstrating against high taxes that immediately makes everyone forget what she is demonstrating against.Future Generations are doomed as the English execute Sir Walter Raleigh. and everybody likes it except the movie critics. which should give Indians an idea of the kind of shabby living conditions they can expect from here on out.Nine students receive the first Bachelor of Arts degrees conferred in America. but decides it's not worth mentioning. thereby averting all possibility of WWII. which is a lot sooner than most of them want to get there. It has the same general plot as “Planet of the Apes”.Translation of the Rosetta Stone finally enables scholars to learn that Egyptian hieroglyphics don't say anything important. but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox. Also. 1911. three shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Saturday Night. 1807. and announces that it will last for a thousand years.Ponce de Leon claims he found the Fountain of youth. but allow his tobacco plants to live.” noting that no one added cream. proving that the campaign motto. after convincing the parole board that he is a changed man who won't cause any more trouble.The founding of the Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to old ladies who would rather cross the street by themselves. 1910. Unfortunately for her.The French and Indian War ends.

AND SINKS Forget one and two. Time: 3 seconds SECRET TIP 10: IRONING If an article of clothing doesn't require a full press and your hair does. Insist that your e-mail address be “Thor_god_of_Thunder@companyname. The rest of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to hide whatever you've managed to shove under the bed. Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair) Jokes SECRET TIP 11: VACUUMING Stick to the middle of the room. the locksmith can't possibly come until tomorrow. think again. tablecloths. but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt. Time: 3 minutes SECRET TIP 8: DISHES Don't use them. Chachi. SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much less 30 minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Every time someone asks you to do something. (Refer to Secret Tips 3.. say you're sorry.. this column is NOT for you. Page yourself over the intercom. a curling iron is the answer. Don't bother vacuuming under furniture. Time: 5 minutes. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. oh. or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming. Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. just about anything. Time: 1 minute SECRET TIP 15: If you already knew at least 10 of these tips. Yes.) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. Always wear them one day after your boss does.House Cleaning THIRTY MINUTES TO A CLEANER HOUSE You're getting company in 30 minutes. Time: 1 minute SECRET TIP 9: CLOTHES WASHING (EEWWW) This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. which is the only place people look.) Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm. draw stick figures yourself. If you're a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. Concentrate on three.) Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present. rerun it. Time: 0 SECRET TIP 14: SHOWERS. Page 66 . switch to espresso. which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes. sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. the teen discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two. this is your chance to learn 15 Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you. No one can tell if those things are made up or not. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions. Time: 2 minutes SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS Like Secret Tip 3. It's not only romantic. no fuss. Time: 10 seconds SECRET TIP 13: BED MAKING Get an old-fashioned waterbed. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that you accidentally locked the door and can't find the key. it really does work. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Of course. No muss. yes. CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom. low.5 minutes SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS Like Secret Tip 4. Include a personal note on every email you send. However. Put a chair facing a printer. TOILETS. clothes. In between curling your hair. or so I'm told. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes. and lower. I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night. for the rest of you.” Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine. Come to work in your pyjamas.” Arrive at a meeting late. It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway. living room only SECRET TIP 12: LIGHTING The key here is low..) Time: 4 minutes SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around. but you didn't have time for lunch. “That's a good point Spanky. 2 minutes. Time: 3 minutes SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES No bed should be without one. Time: 2. “On a personal note. How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Put a picture of your mother on your business card. but it's a great way to hem drapes. Time: 2 seconds SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE No home should be without an ample supply. ask them to sign a waiver. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here. don't even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home. Time: 2-3 minutes SECRET TIP 3: OVENS If you think ovens are just for baking. except even bigger. hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space. WHAT WILL YOU DO? Welcome. to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People. and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. entire house. use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Your house is a mess. dirty clothes. When this teen's mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month. 5. (Don't disguise your voice. saving you. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.com” Every time someone asks you to do something. Use plastic and you won't have to.” “On a personal note. ask them if they want fries with that.” “No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there. (If you don't have children. ladies and gentlemen. 4. by other disciples of the 30Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy. CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who don't care if they get in a car wreck. except bigger.if you turn it wrong side out and.

and schooling. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. Fyfe says that he anticipates saving 25% of his child rearing expenses by hiring a company which specialises in the field. Go get a coffee. “Um. “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”. which includes outsourcing the family pet. He held a family dinner meeting to announce the decision and told the kids that mere parents don't really know how to raise kids until the kids are grown. faster.” See how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this. hoping they will think it died of natural causes. so he takes the dirty. and ask often.. A professional child rearing service would already know how to raise children and not make the mistakes of a rookie parent. television) at the discretion of the contractor. Outsourcing CANBERRA. “Oh you've got to be faster than that. and that he hopes that a contractor will be in place by Christmas 1997. free donuts etc. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain. ACT . he calls back to the patient.. and the other expenses such as school and activities. Director. where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing. A few days later.” No matter what anyone asks you. mutter. “Hi-lite” your shoes. Then start planting pizzas. no matter where you are in the office. take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth. clothing. Before he leaves. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Just lean back. He thinks the neighbours are going to hate him forever. “Hey. when people complain that there was none. Fyfe has worked to alleviate their fears. leaves the non-core (music. Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.. sport. Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. in the lunchroom. Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence. “We just found him dead in his cage one day. Although his wife was initially reluctant to have the children raised offsite. When you go to a party at somebody's house.. Label it “IN. Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers. but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up. but Fyfe told them that they would have weekly visitation to the house to retrieve any personal belongings.” Put your garbage can on your desk. their parents. “I'm in here because I'm crazy. at least until phase 2 of Fyfe's cost cutting spree. The guy stumbles around and says. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. When in conversation. he should be able to pay a private firm about 75% of what he currently spends on his children.Jokes Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. Residences at the University of Canberra and father of two. While Jones is changing the tire. with some benefits (TV hours for example) expanding. If no one notices. Fyfe would not say where he came up with the idea of outsourcing the children. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.” Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many.” Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality. the children will begin spending all their time away from home except when they are desperately needed at home (for example. um. Talk into your daytimer. and installs the spare tire without incident. the wear and tear the kids put on the family residence and vehicles. Although his children have expressed concern that being raised by non-parents would be impersonal and would deprive them of some of their current privileges. no. but.Peter Fyfe.” Not Stupid. The outsourcing would phase in over a six month period. blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbour's house. such as food. The children originally expressed dismay at residing off-site. don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. 'perform' on their musical instruments or talk to. soak your fingers in “Palmolive”. running over the hubcap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. Try to pass them off as your children. Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets. Grow mould in your coffee cup. another car goes by. what happened?”. gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. “I think my phone is ringing” and leave. For a relaxing break.. and say. cheaper” mode. Why do they have you in there?” The patient smiles and says. get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. There must be some real sick people out there!” Page 67 . not because I'm stupid. other than to admit that he and his wife were having a discussion about family finances which illustrated the need to raise the family in a “better..” Plant a hedge around your cubicle. While sitting at your desk.” Pet Rabbit This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbour's pet rabbit in his mouth. “You know. The outsource proposal requires companies to provide the children with benefits at least the same overall level as they receive at home. pat your stomach. This would also allow the kids to visit their pet (one dog). Fyfe convinced her to accept the scheme because she too was eligible for “outsourcing. reply “Okay. has announced plans to outsource his children to a private enterprise specialising in child rearing as part of his family's cost saving effort. chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath. The neighbour replies. This is obvious because every grandparent on the street has advice to give to any parent they meet. as space becomes available offsite. Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi. with the children initially spending daytime hours at their outsource site and sleeping at their parent's home. For example “If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom. He believes that between the things that his kids destroy.. Fyfe said that his request for proposals will go out very soon. when the yard needs “patrolling”).. Ask. that was pretty sharp thinking. while others (parental attention) declining. but realises the plan will work.. the neighbour is outside and asks the guy. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza. but. get new books. pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something. Organize a carpool. The proposal mandates certain “core” benefits. Talk in a loud voice.

I learned that if I pushed the button. a blue arch of electricity. but I'll do my best. He always takes the nickel. Okay. etc. “Junior. my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul). if I took the dime. George R. because it's bigger.. I bought the device and brought it home. Nothing! I was so disappointed. even though it seemed so right at the time. I'm easily amused. but I'm getting ahead of myself. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5” long. Awesome!!! Sparks. I bought something really cool for Toni. I have outdone myself once again. For those of you who are not familiar with this product. bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself. Start a nasty rumour and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you. there I sat in my recliner. Taken from the Lexington Herald-Leader September 2. there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose. Dr. Nichols II. “ Hey y'all. push the button. Don't do drugs. Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. goggle-eyed. low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger. “no friggin' way!” Friggin' way--trust me. Wear your seat belt. “don't do it buddy. Do what you can do as long as you can do it because almost everything is determined by our genes. sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. directions in one hand. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. (Note: Keep in mind that my “fancy” is easily tickled). Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip.” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound. 3. they'd quit doing it!” Stress Relief Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. When someone says. and loaded with two itsy. But. She is such a sweet kitty. picked me up out of that recliner. then you're truly missing out-way too cool! Long story short. pretty cute really. pushed the button. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. If you've never seen one of these things in action. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact. I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. I'm sitting there alone. Tazer in another.000-volt. I did so. it is a lessthan-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage. so I was home alone with this new toy. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position. a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control. Go shopping. etc. Eat and drink in moderation. Buy everything. 1997 Jokes for my sweet girl. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger.000 people in the last 20 years offered the following 6 rules for living: 1. They say he is two bricks shy of a load. “Well. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are. they say. and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . Drive to work in reverse. Sweat in them. but the boys like to tease him. or two pickles shy of a barrel. just for your information. after all. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. Make a list of things you have already done. 6. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like. My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to. hold my beer and watch this!” Well. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is. Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say. Exercise -. reading the directions (that would be me. So. I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. muscle-twitching. (Note: You know. Stupid Dear Friends. and it will render him a slobbering. Return them the next day. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh. less than 3/4 inch in circumference. not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. Use your MasterCard to pay your VISA bill. “Have a nice day!”. What happened next is almost beyond description. Get a box of condoms. those boys are making fun of you. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. however. retired recently. pencil-neck geek. Here goes. and HOLY **************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door. Don't stand in front of any bullets. thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions). a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. 5. . The effects are supposed to be short lived. but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. and having investigated the deaths of over 12. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel.some. 4. Tim got him off to one side and said. and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages. tell them you have other plans. To prove it. wouldn't you agree?). Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.Tattooed assailant. 2. What I came across was a 100. Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room. Thumb through “National Geographic” and draw underwear on the natives. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and was looking for a little something extra . Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. rational thinking under the circumstances. then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again.Rules for Living The Chief Medical Examiner for Commonwealth of Kentucky. Page 68 So who’s the dumb one? There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's Grocery Store. whimpering. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant. or what?” Junior said. a bad decision is like hindsight--always twentytwenty.

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. leaving a large ice hole in their wake. Page 69 . as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. Another notes the risk of slipping on the ice when running away from a burning fuse. Five frantic fellows immediately begin hollering at the dog. as time was a relative thing at this point). if you're lucky. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. and eventually the owner of the Jeep wins that honor. Bewildered. Unfortunately. the retriever is headed back to his owner. five of them decide to take his new vehicle for a test drive on a duck hunting expedition. In one of those male-bonding rituals. Everything there was. its master grabs his shotgun and fires at his own dog. the Wall of Fear. The gun is loaded with duck shot. right thigh and both titties were till twitching. the group considers how to safely dynamite a hole through the ice. Their cries fall on deaf ears. finally understanding why he had done all this today). There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. “Actually. he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. and handsome if I must say so myself. And the nearest cover is right under the brandnew Jeep Grand Cherokee. one note of caution. he hurls it across the ice at a great velocity and runs in the other direction. There is a bit of contention over who has the best throwing arm. who shoots at man's best friend again. Needless to say.nipples on fire. the beer. a member of another species spots his master's arm motions and comes to an instinctive decision. do it again!” (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer. The Screaming Loop. and of course the lake is frozen. If being chased through town.000 Jeep Grand Cherokee for Christmas. they determined that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered under their policy. The stranded men stand staring at the water with stupid looks on their faces. Now. she had a go. the guns. “do it again. and sink to the bottom of the lake. Finally comprehending that his owner has become insane. Our fellows have nothing to worry about on that score. He put her on every ride in the park--the Death Slide. the dog: a trained Black Labrador. Her husband leaned over and asked. soaking wet. licking my face. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. the decoys. “I'd love to be ten again. so they need to make a hole in the ice to create a natural landing area for the ducks and decoys. trying to get him to stop chasing the dynamite. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. They're all set up. where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Jokes The group is ready for some action. How did they get there??? My triceps. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. because one member of the party works for a construction team. with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. I meant dress size. I'm offering a reward. Then. hell-bent on wrapping his jaws around the enticing stick-shaped object. especially things thrown by his owner. The group continues to yell and wave their arms while the happy dog trots towards them. Boom! The dog and the Jeep are blown to bits. It is common practice in Michigan to drive your vehicle out onto the frozen lake. it's the dead of winter. sat up and surveyed the landscape. “Well. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later. and happens to have brought some dynamite along. The stick has a short 20second fuse. has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. “What would you most like for your birthday?” She said. He goes down to his favorite bar and celebrates by tossing down a few too many brews with his buddies. Into McDonalds they went. One of these rocket scientists points out that the dynamite should explode at a location far from where they are standing. and they have beer.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure. you can usually take cover in a passing St. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle. By the way.” The Dog and the Jeep A fellow from Michigan buys himself a brand-new $30. dear. Then off to a theater to see Star Wars--more burgers. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. give or take an ounce or two. Patrick's Day parade . Once that question is settled. They load up the Jeep with the dog. In a desperate act. I'm pretty sure.” On the morning of her birthday. warm clothes and a hunting dog. . undoubtedly thinking to herself. and the beer. proudly carrying the stick of dynamite with the burning 20-second fuse. her head reeling and her stomach upside down. he walks about 20 feet further out onto the ice and holds the stick of dynamite at the ready while one of his companions lights the fuse with a Zippo. I collected my wits (what little I had left). and head out to a nearby lake. what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned (now. and the owner is still making $400 monthly payments on his brand-new Jeep at the bottom of the lake. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before. you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4” deep in your thigh like yours truly. As soon as he hears the fuse sizzle. he continues towards his master. and the owner of the Jeep is left to explain the misadventure to his insurance company. cola and sweets.at any time of the year All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman. Ten Again A man asked his wife. kinda hairy. Their shotguns are loaded with duck pellets. born and bred for retrieving. So they eventually settle on a plan to light the fuse and throw the dynamite out onto the ice. They're round. but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. popcorn. Before you know it. As soon as the stick leaves his hand. Miss 'em . and it is also common (if slightly illegal) to make a hole in the ice using dynamite. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. sure would like to get 'em back. the dog runs for cover with his tail between his legs. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain. rather large. the guns and the dog? Yes. the dog sprints across the ice. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by ! a violent thrashing about on the floor. and confuses the dog more than it hurts him. testicles nowhere to be found. Still chugging down a seemingly bottomless supply of six-packs. .

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. A German accent will do. and the pig likes it. are irrelevant. the old man quietly left the diner. fat people use more soap. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. Things are more like they are today than they have ever been before. Sometimes too much drink is not enough. Jokes Fish Tanks always get shot out. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. If you can smile when things go wrong. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. It will always be the exact fare. and then he took a seat at the counter. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer. you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. If staying in a haunted house. someone will be thrown through it before long. All things being equal. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. Never argue with an idiot. You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track. you have someone in mind to blame. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. but enemies accumulate. Thoughts To Get You Through Almost Any Crisis Indecision is the key to flexibility. spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism. Without a word of protest. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.just grab one at random and hand it over. they move the ends. but then the fish just disappear. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.or give him 48 hours to finish the job. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. By the time you can make ends meet. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paperclip in seconds -unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. but no simpler. pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The more you run over a dead cat. Page 70 . Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. When paying for a taxi. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. Three Bad Bikers A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The second walked up to the old man.” True or False? Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false? 1. The Chief of Police is always black. powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child. Apples. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective -. When entering a kitchen at night. The third walked up to the old man. The facts. When they are alone.your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. everyone you bump into will know all the steps. Shortly thereafter. Friends may come and go. Kitchens don't have light switches. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. If you decide to start dancing in the street. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. the flatter it gets. not much of a man. The first walked up to the old man. you're half way through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing. This is as bad as it can get. one of the bikers said to the waitress. “Not much of a truck driver either. “Humph. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now. all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. An electric fence. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. not caffeine. it will not be necessary to speak the language. the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. 2. don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill -. The trouble with life is. was he?” The waitress replied. turned over the old man's plate. If a large pane of glass is visible. Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty. he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles. flooding the room. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. Everything should be made as simple as possible. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. although interesting. but don't bet on it.

8. a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? RICHARD M. Lights out. ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die in the rain. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties. BILL GATES. 26. Can you bring me a drink of water?” “No. MARTIN LUTHER KING. even your heart! 6. I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem. we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. In most television commercials advertising milk. SIGMUND FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the Road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. and that was good enough. JR I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads Without having their motives called into question. 10. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years. 13..4999999999.. They were 7th cousins. just in case there is a crash.. 16!) Jokes MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep. it would be green ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE! (Now go back and think about No. 5. GRANDPA In my day. 40. The toothbrush was invented in 1498. 17. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. When you sneeze. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane.000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. “What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?” DARWIN: Chickens. Alone. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.” “What?” “I'm thirsty. They are used in vein transplant surgery. People do not get sick from cold weather. 19.. Unfortunately. the chicken did not cross the road JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean.. 23. why doesn't anyone ever think to ask. and he said unto the Chicken. COLONEL HARLAN SANDERS: I missed one? DILBERT: I hate it when the title gives away the plot! J F K : Ask not what your chicken can do for the road but what can the road do for your chicken. CAPTAIN KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before. 16. 15. 14. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened. ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. 18. BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth.. all bodily functions stop.” 20. can you bring me a drink of water? Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? MOSES: And God came down from the heavens. “Thou shalt cross the road.. RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the roadit transcended it.Can I have a drink of water?? “I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!” Five minutes later. 7. DR SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes. when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in “An Officer and a Gentleman” and “Tootsie. The average housefly lives for one month. have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads. but it will lay eggs. 9 The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.” “WHAT??!!” “When you come in to spank me.” And the Chicken crossed the road. Babies are born without kneecaps.and internet explorer is an integral part of a Chicken. 4. which will not only cross roads. the chicken crossed the road. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute. Five minutes later: “Da-ad. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. 25.” “WHAT?” “I'm THIRSTY. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. Page 71 .” Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola. 11. and there was much rejoicing. I repeat. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor 24. ALBERT EINSTEIN Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. 12. it's from being indoors a lot more.. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. What is your definition of chicken? Kids Bedtime… A small boy is sent to bed by his father.. 21. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water. 22.. Somebody Told us the chicken crossed the road. but why it crossed I've not been told. over great periods of time. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot. “Daaaa-aaaad.. file your important documents AND balance your checkbook . You had your chance. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.3.

the blood doesn't run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted. he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires. You can learn many things from children.” A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?” A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. There are three ways to get things done: 1) do it yourself 2) hire someone to do it 3) forbid your kids to do it There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going. It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents. Money isn't everything. Dear God Dear GOD. whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?” Tommy burst into tears and confessed. he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. “Mum. Be nice to your kids. “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the Oldest of a family) answered. boys. It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. but it sure keeps the kids in touch. nothing beats children.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said. Having children will turn you into your parents. She's dead. Summer vacation is a time when parents realise that teachers are grossly underpaid. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy Father and thy Mother. “But no one knows what God looks like. Mom?” Her mother replied.' or 'That's Michael. like how much patience you have. In school they told us what You do. she's a lawyer. “How will that help? Jokes A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. or looking up from her drawing the girl replied. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. “How did you know?” his mother asked.” For weeks.” he replied. If a child looks like his father.” One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. He's a doctor.” A little voice from the back of the room asked. “Well. live long enough to be a problem to your children. “They will in a minute. Avenge yourself. The girl replied. Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position.. Celibacy is not hereditary. “Thou shall not kill. The best thing to spend on your children is time. “Tommy. for it is they who will choose your nursing home.” she asked.Children A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? Lucy Dear GOD. one of my hairs turns white. if he looks like a neighbour. hold up two fingers. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. For adult education. and I would turn red in the face. that's environment. “Now. “but three girls helped me catch him. “If anyone has to go to the bathroom. “And there's the teacher. 'There's Jennifer. Insanity is inherited. “How did that happen?” gasped her mother. but two children can be far too many. Those who say they “sleep like a baby” haven't got one. the blood.” The teacher paused and said.” An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. “I'm drawing God. he said. as you know. a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.” Without missing a beat. the Kindergarten teacher said. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. Who does it when You are on vacation? Jane Dear GOD. sir.” the boys said. Furthermore. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently.” The children had all been photographed. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said. “I think Mommy ate it!” On the first day of school. On returning home. A young child is a noise with dirt on it. “It wasn't easy.. you get it from your kids. A child will not spill on a dirty floor. just sit down and look comfortable. The six-year old was obviously impressed.” “Yes. she asked what the drawing was. Ill-bred children always display their pest manners. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say. that's heredity. God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once. “ A small voice at the back of the room rang out. but he made no comment. Familiarity breeds children.” admitted the young lady. if I stood on my head. “Why are some of your hairs white. One child is often not enough. would run into it. “I think it's printed on the bottom. If you have trouble getting your children's attention. and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy. Trying to make the matter clearer. God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once. “Daddy picked them up and looked underneath. “'Cause yer feet ain't empty. Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling Page 72 .” A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.

4. I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. You should give him a tail. they had secured a small box and cotton batting. our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. why don't You just keep the ones You have now? Jane Dear GOD. When he was spotted. I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat. Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma Dear GOD. and unto the Sonnn . I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. particularly the canes. Ha ha. Donna From the Mouths of Babes NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. “The tooth fairy will never believe this!” DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church. Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones. Joyce Dear GOD. Did you really mean “do unto others as they do unto you”? Because if you did. then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. I can't write and they won't let me talk!” BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible.” she said to her mother. Mommy. walkers and wheelchairs. Thank you for the baby brother..” MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. Feeling that proper burial should be performed. then I'm going to fix my brother! Darla Dear GOD. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am) Dear GOD. I'll show You my new shoes. He held it up and said with a charming little smile. I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. Sam Dear GOD. Mickey D. I never asked for anything before. OPINIONS On the first day of school. and into the hole he gooooes. “It's the minister. Dear GOD. I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked. The various appliances of old age. She's hitting the bottle. It works with my brother. Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan Dear GOD. Love. What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. “I'm just wasting my time. But in school they said You did it. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment. with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. Tom L. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock. Apparently. “What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?” ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins. So I bet he stoled your idea. “I can't read. but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions. his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.words in the house? Anita Dear GOD. Dear GOD. she merely turned and whispered. It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say. If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin. unfailingly intrigued her. “Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. You can look it up. Chris Dear GOD. I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. “Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt! HONESTY My son Zachary. a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. but what I prayed for was a puppy. the room burst into shrieks. 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago. My brother is a rat. came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Is that okay? Neil Dear GOD. Jane Dear GOD.” KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. Bruce Dear GOD. We read that Thomas Edison made light. If You watch me in church Sunday. Danny Dear GOD. Nan Jokes Dear GOD. The note read. Raphael Dear GOD. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayer s and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: Glory be unto the Faaaather. Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. Larry Dear GOD. Then she added. Ruth M. Sincerely. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. Dear GOD. I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set. He was fascinated as he Page 73 .. Please send me a pony. “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.” the child said to her mother.” SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “We better throw this one out too then.

He picked up the object and looked at it. I don't want to do it. “Who am I?” Ready to play the game she said. We rode our pony. It takes too long.” Manuel. and said. dear?” With astonishment in the young boy's voice. “I don't know! Who are you?” “WOW!” cried the child. including human beings. “Look Grandma.” Kids Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice..” asked Mrs. he was looking at the things she had purchased. “Mrs. age 8 ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE “Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. “I think it's Adam's underwear Jokes floored her grandmother by asking. it hung from a tree in our front yard.” One of the little boys looked up and quavered.” Wendy. Silver. so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat. They were ready to discuss the last one. look what I found”. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. But it was fun for me. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married. Timmy returned. I would point out something and ask what color it was. under the tutelage of her grandmother. “No. Mae. “Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife. but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. age 7 HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE? “When a person gets kissed for the first time. “Mama. I really do love him. except that she's mad at you.” Andrew. “Timmy. you wear the same size as our bed!” ANGRY AT THIS AGE? Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment. Kirkland is?” A few minutes later. “No. Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded.” QUEEN SIZE? A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home.” Michelle. the boy called out. Mrs. he answered.. age 6 “No one is sure why it happens. He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed.” At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything. A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. would you go next door and see how ol' Mrs. “Grandma. “I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!” My grandson was visiting one day when he asked.fingered through the old pages. “Grandma. “Just bring them bread and water. age 9 “I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something..” What have you got there. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. my own mother wouldn't recognize me!” A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: “If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school. age 7 ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE “If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family. something fell out of the Bible. Susie raised her hand.” A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother. As she left the room. age 9 “If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell. saying sagely. stood tall. She replied. A small child replied: “They couldn't get a baby-sitter. “What's it about?” he asked. “I don't know. they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour. was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.” John. and always she was correct. They couldn't make up their minds about what they wanted to eat. putting them back to bed with stern warnings. age 8 Page 74 .” The little girl was wideeyed. “is she all right?” “She's fine. I had a swing made from a tire. taking this in.” Dick. how are we alike?” “You're both old. so I continued. a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.” Glenn.” she replied. At last she headed for the door. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill.” Anita C. Then one day she Kids Views on Love Kids' answers when surveyed about love. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty. age 9 “Some lovers might be real nervous. At last she said. “Who was that?” Two little boys were visiting their grandfather. do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo while I asked.” A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond.” he replied. but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful. We picked wild raspberries in the woods. “Well.. it doesn't hurt to be beautiful. and quoted. I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!” A ten-year-old. “I have a pain in my side. “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?” A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. “I can't read. Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and said. I'm the lonely child. and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. Silver said to her son.” “At me?” the woman exclaimed. Suddenly. I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home After putting her children to bed. age 8 CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE “One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular. I think I'm going to have a wife. She told him she was writing a story. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY “I LOVE YOU” “The person is thinking: Yeah. so I decided to test her. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious. and he took them to a restaurant for lunch. “Can I have ketchup on it?” A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters.. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words “Queen Size”. But I hope he showers at least once a day. She would tell me. her patience grew thin.” I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet. “Whatever for?” “She said it's none of your business how old she is.

but attention ain't the same thing as love. even if you are trying to hide from it.” Natalie. age 8 “Don't do things like have smelly. age 9 “Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place.. age 7 “It's never okay to kiss a boy. and don't worry if their parents are right there. age 6 “I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it.. Like..“It isn't always just how you look.” Arnold.” Carin. you have to ask permission. but I still might try it sometime. It makes you feel warm all over..” Ava. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet. But how rich you are can last a long time... like puppy dogs. age 7 “Don't forget your wife's name. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --. age 6 “Shake your hips and hope for the best. age 10 “All of a sudden. age 10 Page 75 .” Regina.” Julia.” Dick.” Floyd. age 9 Jokes HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? “Just see if the man picks up the check.” Brian. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough. age 9 REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE “Love is the most important thing in the world..” Greg. But if it's a new person. she should like it that you like sports..” Roger.” HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE “Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work. age 8 “They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing.” Bobby.” Bart. age 9 Kids Views on Marriage HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. age 9 “One way is to take the girl out to eat.” Tammy. the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark.” Gavin. but the girls keep finding me. . age 7 “It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. age 7 “It might help to watch soap operas all day. age 7 “You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.” Dave. Make sure it's something she likes to eat.” Jill. You might get attention. age 9 HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED? “I know one reason that kissing was created.. age 9 “Romantic adults usually are all dressed up. age 8 “I'm not rushing into being in love. you can kiss her anytime. age 8 “One of you should know how to write a check.Other people care more about the food..” Sherm.” John.. but baseball is pretty good too.” Carey. if you like sports.” Alonzo. except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much. Look at me. age 8 HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS “You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls. French fries usually works for me. age 8 SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU “Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores..” Brian.” Erin.. and she should keep the chips and dip coming. so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up. but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it. age 8 CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS “They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them.” Sandra.. That's why I stopped doing it. Because. age 10 THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER “Sensitivity don't hurt. age 7 “If it's your mother.” Sarah. and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses. age 9 “Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs.” Del.” Christine. age 8 “Be a good kisser.Alan. I been trying to hide from it since I was five. age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? “When they're rich. even if you have tons of love. age 7 “Love will find you..” Gina. age 6 “Love is foolish. That will mess up the love. age 7 “Beauty is skin deep. age 9 “See if the man has lipstick on his face. age 8 HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE? “Mooshy. age 9 “Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. there is still going to be a lot of bills. age 8 “Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind.” Christine. Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch.” Dave. That's how you can tell if he's in love.. We were behind a tree.on fire.. They always slobber all over you.” Camille.” Bart.” Manuel.. age 9 CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE “I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television.” Robbie.” Pam. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash. green sneakers.

Phillip. Michael. age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone. age 10 Jokes Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. It has lots of information. based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. Age 10 Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do. Lamar. age 9 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain. age 8 HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato. You can't trust dogs to watch your food. Age 16 Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Laura. . Rocky. Matthew. . Heather.Pam. Scott. . When your Mom is mad at your dad. Age 13 Never spit when on a roller coaster. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Age 13 Forget the cake. Age 9 Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. Stephanie. Age 8 Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned • • • • • • • No matter how hard you try. Cynthia. . Age 8 Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun. age 6 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess. Age 10 Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving. Joel.Kelvin. Kids Wisdom Never trust a dog to watch your food. . age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. Age 12 Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. don't hit her back. Age 7 Stay away from prunes. If your sister hits you.Anita. . age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Randy.Lynnette. go for the icing. Carrol. Age 12 Page 76 . . Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. Age 11 Never do pranks at a police station. you can't baptize cats. and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.Craig. . they just tell each other lies.Curt. ask your grandparents. and people should use them to get to know each other. Age 7 Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower. . Age 9 Never bug a pregnant mom. and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Rob. Age 12 When you get a bad grade in school. Age 14 Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. then you should marry them and have kids with them.Camille.No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. Nicholas. Andrew.Lori. Chelsey. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. It's the right thing to do. show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Age 9 Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. . God decides it all way before. Age 9 Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. Age 10 When you want something expensive. They always catch the second person. age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. Kelly. Molly.Derrick. don't let her brush your hair. Rosemary. age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids.Ricky. Age 10 Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. Patrick. Alyesha. Age 10 When your dad is mad and asks you. Hank. Age 11 Don't ever be too full for dessert. You got to be a fool to get married. . Age 13 Never try to baptize a cat. age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen.Howard. “Do I look stupid?” don't answer him.Martin. wouldn't there? . age 8 On the first date. age 10 No age is good to get married at.Kirsten.Freddie. Age 11 Listen to your brain. . so I wouldn't want to mess with that. . Sam.

... A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.. Mom. A four-year old can break an arm in a rotating dryer. Plastic toys do not like ovens. Always look in the dryer before using it. I have two kids myself.. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh”. I have been a pretty good boy this year. wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year. Johnny. Super glue is forever. Johnny knew this wasn't true. "Just be home in time for dinner..it explodes. Jokes The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2. it's already too late. thought he did.... Dear God.• • • • Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Cats throw up two times their body weight when dizzy... When using the ceiling fan as a bat... Quiet does not necessarily mean there is nothing wrong..... His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. It helps them get over shyness and Page 77 ... Johnny. So I always have a few sessions with my students. it does not leak. Neither do embroidered bedsheets.. however...... I loved show-and-tell. He shut the door and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen and began to write his letter to God. make cats dizzy.. You probably do not want to know what that odor is... Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-yearold.. so he tore up the letter and started over. Little Johnny. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.. I'VE GOT YOUR MOM. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan.." his mother said.. Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either he was very upset.... He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. The fire department in our city has a response time of at least five minutes... He tore up the letter and started again.. LETTER 1. No matter how cute the underwear is.. Little Johnny’s Bike Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. He had not been a very good boy this year. It will. This is your friend Johnny. Ditto Tarzan.. and I would like a red bike for my birthday.. School lunches stick to the wall.and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.... Learnt From Kids If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball cleats.. being a Christian woman. I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Johnny's mother. Johnny knew this wasn't true either. Dear God.. however.. Signed YOU KNOW WHO The Middle Wife By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher. When I was a kid. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.. and up to his room. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. Johnny's mother thought her plan had worked because Johnny looked very sad. It is strong enough... Thank you.. I want a red one. Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker... LETTER 3: . you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.. and write a letter to God... SEND THE BIKE.. He looked around to see if anyone was there. I want a bike for my birthday. Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN. the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape.. I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday... Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.. Your friend. Johnny walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday... LETTER 4:. Your friend. Baseballs make marks on ceilings. they can ignite. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 X 20 foot room... Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. into his house. down the street. LETTER 2:. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church. Dear God. Duplo blocks will not. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke. but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.. Pool filters do not like Jell-O....000 sq ft house 4 inches deep.. McGuyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.. and lots of it. Johnny. I've been teaching now for about fifteen years.... of course.

"She delivers babies. When you thought I wasn't looking. holding her back and groaning. but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. The actions of two people manoeuvring for one armrest in a movie theatre (airplane). Kids bring in pet turtles. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. even when you're only six inches away. when vacuuming. and I felt loved. Anagrams An Anagram. model aeroplanes. Page 78 . "She walked around the house for. 9. and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed. 7. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it. The following are exceptionally clever. oh! Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. 10. I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n.Jokes usually. push. 'Oh. Well. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble. When you thought I wasn't looking. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes. breathe. oh. and I thought it was good to be kind to animals. Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love. pictures of fish they catch. examining it. "And then.'" "They started counting. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. 2. I saw you feed a stray cat. When you thought I wasn't looking. Language 10 Words That Don't Exist." "They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. if it's show-andtell day. When you thought I wasn't looking. The kids are watching her in amazement. I Bet I'm a Dot in Place That Queer Shake Twelve plus one Accord not in it When You Thought I Wasn't Looking. then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. And I never. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. a very bright. whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. 'Oh. The act. inside there. I saw tears come from your eyes. When you thought I wasn't looking. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. they all said was from Mom's play-centre! . show-and-tell is pretty tame. When you thought I wasn't looking." She's standing there with her hands on the pillow.TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n.” And the Anagram: Dirty Room Evil's Agent A Rope Ends It Here Come Dots Cash Lost in 'em Is No Amity Woman Hitler :) Alas! No More Z's Genuine Class Is No Meal Large Picture Halls. assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs." Then Erica stood up." "Then. and I learned that sometimes things hurt. and Luke grew in there. but never even got past ten. It was too much! "Then the middle wife starts saying 'push. my Mom starts saying and going. I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be. When you thought I wasn't looking. Ever since then. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. about two Saturdays ago. my baby brother. The last one is too perfect to believe. When you thought I wasn't looking. The affliction of dialling a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. and I believed there is a God I could always talk to. FRUST (frust) n. as you know. He was covered in yucky stuff. ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach. and I knew that little things are special things. like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and her little hands are miming water flowing away. like an hour. "Then. 8. stuff like that. out comes my brother. Dormitory Evangelist Desperation The Morse Code Slot Machines Animosity Mother-in-law Snooze Alarms Alec Guinness Semolina The Public Art Galleries A Decimal Point The Earthquakes Eleven plus two Contradiction This one's truly amazing: To be or not to be: that is the question. they're welcome. oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. I bring my camcorder. 6. I looked.. I heard you say a prayer. and I wanted to paint another one.. 4.. pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. and wanted to say thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking. First. Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal' side. of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times. takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. 5. "This is Luke. oh. but it's all right to cry. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up. Erica. took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. reaching over and picking it up. I saw you make my favourite cake just for me. and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. I felt you kiss me good night. "My Dad called the middle wife. But Should 1. just in case another Erica comes along. and breathe. one day this little girl. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. all of a sudden. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. very outgoing kid.. 3. so there must be a lot of stuff.

but heed ye his curse. and the pirate's feet. He bursts in and shouts to his master. Wearily. the land to which his treasure map had been leading. I will see what I can do. but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. “but we don't have a phone. The Captain turned to his first mate and said. “I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I want not just a couple of decks. almost haunting. Prepare a transfusion. and the vices of his concubines. where restaurants were “the thing.. then ankles. A small. It was late and raining very hard. to discover the cause of his curse. “No probs God. Knowing this.. Dazed.. our insistent hero. An elegant man comes down the stairs. A minute passes. no noose is good noose!” They hung the jester the next day. I am a scientist.wall to wall. The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. just what restaurant. Igor's master looks worried. However.. searched around. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?” “Yep. Their job was to sniff out Soviet spies so their cells could be neutralized. “Things are serious. and the Captain and his first mate bravely entered the swamp. “I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark”.” and the Russians always met in a restaurant. you want a New Ark?” “Check”. the Shan had enemies. it is many miles to the nearest clinic... Bob and Betty Hill are no more. bulimia for Uncle Sam. He reached down. and I have had a basic medical training. “Dunno”. “Hello. pins flag on moon! On to Mars!” Jokes Stunned. For Khu. Hamlet. matey. Master!. after a short while. We've been in a terrible accident. “Ah. large house. Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.. Now. a “shaggy dog” story--a witless and revolting piece of nonsense designed to lead the unsuspecting reader to a “punch line” in the form of a truly disgusting pun. his ship caught site of land. but Amber raves at Dwayne.. they were constantly bickering and were noticed. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries. and this is my wife Betty. whatever you say. and my wife has been seriously hurt. well to make it more specific Noah. says God. Prying the lock open. “Noah me old china. melody fills the house.” Igor and his master work feverishly..” Bob brings his wife in. Meanwhile. “If you don't stop with the puns. and thus responsive to his seizures. However. After a brief examination.“In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies. my name is Bob Hill. our friends did not know.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. and pulled up a treasure chest. so they were very successful and many. one giant leap for mankind. the jester loved puns and annoyed the king with them all day long. he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself. “Well. Noah replies. Igor. Therefore. Suddenly. I'll be forced to hang you!” What was the jester's reply? “Well. of convulsions occurring without warning. “But God interrupts. “Check”.” replied the hunchback. the virtues of his wife. Ling-Po inscribed his work on a scroll of parchment inserted in a Bad Puns Noah One day God calls down to Noah and says. the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car. Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. fish. The Shaggy Dog Bite In all the world no man was more blessed than Khu. the Grand Shan. the chest revealed gold and jewels beyond imagination. Soon the swamp began to get deeper. Finally. he sees a light. the king was so fed up that he said. at any particular time. sort of right. suffered from epilepsy. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. floor to ceiling -Carp!” Noah looks to the skies. he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the boss. It was time for their annual performance appraisal which read: “They're dutiful voracious spies. My Master is a doctor. This particular story might well sicken any reader--and in the case of someone susceptible to epileptic seizures. and they were stationed in Paris. OK Big Man. Ling-Po devised what is called. his eyes catch movement. that's right. God answers. nobody ever thought that they were CIA spies. After months of hard sailing.The Hills are alive with the sound of music!! A Patriotic Pun There were a brother and sister who worked for the CIA during the cold war. which was supposed to lie hidden deep within a swamp at the center of the island. in the heathen lands of the West. Because of the pressure. Igor is still in the lab tidying up.. left planet. The Shan... Betty. Bob immediately blurts. Can I please use your phone??” I'm sorry. The Sound of Music Bob Hill and his new wife. this time I want you to fill it up with fish”... let me get this right. so they practiced. a learned and intelligent man. I am not a medical doctor. He and his first mate disembarked on the island to search out the buried treasure.” And for the grand finale: “That's one small step for a man. In order not to be suspect they had to eat at all of the restaurants. “20 DECKS!” screams Noah. which men call the “falling sickness”--an affliction of sudden seizures. but there's a catch. without warning. It was Paris. if you will. I want you to make me a new Ark”. As the music fills the lab. at the center of the island was a swamp. “Arrrr. and finally entire leg below the knees was covered in swamp. And it remained for one.” Neil Armstrong The Anagram: “A thin man ran. so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. it might even bring about his death. who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether. he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious. that booty is only shin deep!” The Jester Once upon a time there was a king and a jester. the Grand Shan of Tartary--nor more cursed. well.. as it happens. “Fish?” queries Noah “Yep. Sure enough. and because of the fact that they were siblings. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. Igor. queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten. makes a large stride. and a stirring. Page 79 . Such were his blessings. “And you want it full of Carp?” “Check” “Why?” asks the perplexed Noah. which is coming from an old. with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside. which houses his pipe organ. I want carp .. come in and I will get him. Bob could barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs. This time Noah. For it is here that he has always found solace. were vacationing in Europe. “OK God my old mucker. Their names were Dwayne and Amber. near Transylvania. many Russians were apprehended. he climbs the steps to his conservatory. whose name was Ling-Po. Like many great rulers. None exceeded him in power or riches. day in and day out. He begins to play. but to no avail. “With 20 decks. However. the breadth of his domain. and he notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch. He heads towards the light. Master. was unusually sensitive to crude japes and mindless jests. they had to go from restaurant to restaurant. hunched man opens the door. It was at that time that the Captain banged his shin against something hard.” The Pirate's Treasure A pirate captain was on the look out for buried treasure.. with Bob following closely. I want 20 decks one on top of the other”. bring them down to the laboratory. one on top of the other?”. He approaches the door and knocks. It was on occasions when he was exposed to such idiocies-most notably in the form of puns--that he became enraged. Moments later. that just goes to show ye.” With that.

For goodness sake.. Page 80 . Yet the plural of hat would never be hose. John looked back and said “Stop that. when he heard that the janitor. not hice. And dead. not bead. The hunter on the ground was outraged. I take it you already know Of tough and bough and cough and dough? Others may stumble. and three may be those. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). perhaps To learn of less familiar traps? Beware of heard. And yet to write it. (they rhyme with suite and straight and debt) A moth is not a moth in mother. I'd learned to talk it when I was five.” After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey suburb. the more I tried. But he need not have worried. But I give a boot . then I'm a wigwam. The masculine pronouns are he. As part of the negotiations. don't call it deed! Watch out for meat and great and threat. Nor both in bother. We come to carry Beezer. Land Rovers. And dear and fear for bear and pear. I've hardly made a start.” said the Southerner. And here is not a match for there. and personally presented it to the Shan as a birthday gift from an anonymous admirer.” Rudolph the Red There once was a Communist named “Rudolph the Red. which was the other possibility. For it was then that the fit hit the Shan. A bet was also made that the loser must buy the winner a pint of his favourite whisky. his and him. “It was difficult at first. But the plural of vow is vows. “Sects! Sects! Sects!” said the first monk to the second. not to daze him. a security guard at an industrial plant.. had fallen and hurt his back. Since each simply refused to believe the other's hunting stories they were unable to resolve the dispute themselves. If the plural of man is always called men.” English Lesson We'll begin with box. a fellow passenger on a train asked how he liked it in the country. his heart pounding in uncertainty as the Shan began to read. And cork and work and card and ward. What's wrong with me?” The doctor replies: “It's very simple. beaters. And font and front and word and sword. dear. “but it's a lot better since I got myself a paramour. Brute? John. “Is that all you think about?” Did you hear about the man who couldn't find anyone to sing with? He had to buy a duet-yourself kit. watching the hunters leave and drinking his morning coffee. and also of brethren. it's said like bed. thorough. got a stretcher. once the pun was read. a dreadful word That looks like beard and sounds like bird. and through? Well done! And now you wish. then I'm a teepee. When asked to explain himself the winner said “I don't understand why you are so upset. shis. Would the Shan indeed experience an epileptic seizure when he came upon the filthy pun at the end? The reading concluded. but not you On hiccough. I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. Safari Two safari guides in Africa were having a drink on the veranda and watching the sun go down when they became engaged in an argument over which was the better guide. Why shouldn't the plural of kiss be nicknamed kese? Then one may be that. Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? If the singular is this and plural is these.and goose and choose. But though we say mother. At dawn the next morning one hunter was off with his bearers. and you show me your feet. The hunter drew a careful bead on the lion and just as he was about to squeeze off the killing shot. an old man named Beezer.” One day he looked outside his window and said “It's going to rain!” His wife asked him: “How do you know?” He answered: “Well . wondering if he had failed. and the plural is boxes.” the man replied. and all of the other equipment needed for a successful hunt. Back at the lodge he confronted the other hunter about his poor sportsmanship and his lack of honour to the spirit of the challenge.” The passenger was astonished. and for a moment Ling-Po waited. But the plural of ox should be oxen. They decided the only way to decide was to hunt the very next day and the first of them to kill a lion would win the distinction. “A paramour?” he said. . And do and go. not vine.” A guy goes to a psychiatrist. come. But the plural of house is houses. We speak of a brother. broth in brother. Come.” It was so quiet in the bowling alley that you could hear a pin drop. And I speak of a foot. Well. Then one fowl is goose. So John called the First Aid crew. Et tu. You're two tents. then thwart and cart. It's driving me crazy. 1999 “EuroEnglish” The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications. his feet up on the railing. pulled out a machine gun and shot and killed the lion thus winning the bet. I hadn't learned it at fifty-five! EuroEnglish Time's Press Feb 11. I thought everybody knows the shortest distance between two pints is a strafed lion. And then there's dose and rose and lose -Just look them up -. and went to carry Beezer out. A dreadful language? Why. First I'm a teepee. rather than German. and shim! So our English. “Doc. I think you will all agree. “She doesn't care how I cut the grass. Ling-Po waited. Presently it came to pass that the Shan unrolled the scroll. When couldn't the plural of pan be called pen? The cow in the plural may be cows or kine. The hunter on safari hunted high and low all day and just before dark finally was able to surround a lion with his native hunters and beaters. man alive. But imagine the feminine she. You may find a lone mouse or a whole lot of mice. was at work the other night. but two are called geese Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.Jokes golden tube. All this while the other hunter was sitting on the veranda.would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth. “Does your wife know?” “Sure. then I'm a wigwam. As the circle became tighter and tighter the lion finally broke cover and ran into the open. the other hunter suddenly swooped over the hunting site in an airplane. Rudolph the Red knows rain. slough. we never say methren. the two medics were big jokers and started spinning beezer around in circles. Is the trickiest language you ever did see. not oxes. .

and they would go. peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by “z” and “W” by “V”. Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom. In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. By the fourth year. it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. In a Rome laundry: Ladies. live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. Also. 4. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. each one should press a number of .In the first year. International English Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. After zis fifz yer. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year. Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger. Und efter ze fifz yer. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies: 1. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans. roasted duck let loose. or Canadians. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make.000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. for instance. and writers are buried daily except Thursday. This will make words like “fotograf” 20 per sent shorter. here's the final word on nutrition and health. when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced by “f”. Australians. or Canadians. eat a lot of perogies. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -. Page 81 Health Secret The truth finally revealed. Australians. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. push button for wishing floor. artists. but typewriters kan have one less letter. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours . 2. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking. or Canadians. British or Canadians. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. 5. In the third year. These were executed over the past two years. If the cabin should enter more persons. men and women. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards.we guarantee no miscarriages. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. daily. publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Australians. “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.M. British. In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results. which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. During ze fifz year. be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Australians. Sertainly. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters. or Canadians. British. British. ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Ze drem vil finali kum tru. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans. al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgrasful. or Canadians. British. and similar changes vud of kors. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A. Also. and only when lit up. 6. ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou”. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort.. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin. sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. British. For those of you who watch what you eat. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis. Australians. Australians. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.no ice cream. 3. ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas!!! Jokes wishing floor. beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150.. the hard “c” will be replaced with “k. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.” Not only will this klear up konfusion. The Italians drink large amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans. cabbage rolls and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex.

in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. 2 geese. neither apple nor pine in pineapple. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight. but when the lights are out.Here speeching American. when the stars are out. of course. but you'll find they are best in the long run. He could lead if he would get the lead out. are meat. In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter. please control yourself. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads.. tootle the horn. but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. Stupid Man Small Horse Your price is too high!! Did you go to the beach? I bumped into a coffee table I think you need a facelift It's very dark in here Has your flight been delayed? That was an unauthorized execution I thought you were on a diet This is a tow away zone You are not very bright I got this for free I am not guilty Please. That is why. The present is a good time to present the present. English was invented by people. The insurance for the invalid was invalid. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. The bandage was wound around the wound. why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables.English is a crazy language. grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth.. you are welcome to it.P. At the Army base. The dove dove into the bushes. The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse. give it to the guard on duty. we find that quicksand can work slowly. why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose. Learning Chinese Want to learn some Chinese phrase. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room. stay a while longer They have arrived Stay out of sight He's cleaning his automobile Chinese Interpretation Hu Yu Hai Ding? Kum Hia Nao Dum Gai Tai Ni Po Ni No Bai Dam Ting!! Wai Yu So Tan? I Bang Mai Ni Chin Tu Fat Wai So Dim? Hao Long Wei Ting? Lin Ching Wai Yu Mun Ching? No Pah King Yu So Dum Ai No Pei Wai Hang Mi? Wai Go Nao? Hia Dei Kum Lei Lo Wa Shing Ka The English Language No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn: We polish the Polish furniture. English phrase Are you harboring a fugitive? See me A. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down.. A farm can produce produce. not computers. Trumpet him melodiously at first.S. when I wind up my watch. I end it. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. they are visible. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR. We take English for granted. Do you know lyrics to the Macarena? Wai Yu Sing Dum Song? Meeting was scheduled for next week Wai Yu Kum Nao Page 82 . If you have any suitable food.. I did not object to the object. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. Learn Chinese in 5 minutes. that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them. while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated. 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. The soldier decided to desert in the desert. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. but when I wind up this essay. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. So one moose.A. a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum. which aren't sweet. And why. what do you call it? If teachers taught. isn't a race at all). they are invisible.English well speaking . And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing. and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which. 2 meese? One index. Some Thoughts On The English Language Let's face it -. boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites. But if we explore its paradoxes. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger. They were too close to the door to close it.Jokes In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. gruntled. I start it.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. jumped. dark is heavier than light. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt. “A dollar per point. the greater its capacity to suck dark. and without them we wouldn't have history. After a number of Novocain injections. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. and threw the java. Thus. He died before he ever reached Canada. They killed him. you would see a lot of light.” 16. 5. who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. There are also portable Dark-Suckers. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light. Greeks ran races. A candle is a primitive Dark-Sucker. But since dark is so fast. representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. Dark-Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.After his death. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line. where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. and slowly opened the closet door. hurled the biscuits. Finally. This student got back his test and $64 change. 8. it is not wise to touch an operating Dark-Sucker. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense. 1. the Romans conquered the Greeks. 4. friction from the mass generates heat. This is why it is called light. In the first book of the Bible. you would be in total darkness. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. my jaw got number. As it is with all things. Thus. Page 83 It’s Academic Bribery A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. 14. You can see that after the first use. When you get really deep. Next time you see what is called an electric bulb. Dark has mass. First. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. The Greeks also had myths. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. Dying. In the Olympic games. who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. remember that it is really a Dark-Sucker. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. 15. When the Dark Storage Unit is full. Another story was William Tell. they suck dark. but recent information has proven otherwise. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark-Suckers is their limited range. it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark-Sucker can operate again. Guinessis. Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. The larger the Dark-Sucker. Dark-Suckers don't last forever. Also. the basis of the Dark-Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Actually. Jokes the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. “Am I my brother's son?” 3. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark-Sucker. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.The buck does funny things when the does are present. dark closet. the farmer taught his sow to sow. the wick turns black. 12. One of their children. 13. Dark Suckers For years. Exam Answers This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers.” The next class the professor handed the tests back out. Electric bulbs don't emit light. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. asked. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 9. he gasped out: “Tee hee. When dark goes into a Dark-Sucker. you would notice it getting darker and darker. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. his career suffered a dramatic decline. To help with planting. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea. we call these bulbs Dark-Suckers. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Cain. For example. 10. In these. 6. Once they are full of dark. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. take the Dark-Sucker in the room you are in.” As a queen she was a success. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah. In midevil times most people were alliterate. 2. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of . Brutus. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer. Eventually. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.” 11. A new candle has a white wick. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. you would see the light slowly enter the closet. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen. they can no longer suck. 7. it will turn black. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. A myth is a female moth.Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake. we must prove that dark is faster than light. The Dark-Sucker Theory and the existence of dark-suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle-type Dark-Sucker.

I really must insist. At this point. “A horse divided against itself cannot stand. written in Latin and still nominally in effect. Meanwhile in Europe. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. laid it on the ground. the Pilgrims crossed the ocean. the Pinta. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. comedies. cause excessive sweating and throwing up 2. Many people died and many babies were born. but since Josephine was a baroness. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale. 29. and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): “Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale. Student: Sir. 28. 23. His ships were called the Nina.” said the professor of mathematics. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. 21. and said. 32. the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination. The following dialog ensued: Proctor: I beg your pardon? Student: Sir. Later. and hysterectomies. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. the enlightenment was a reasonable time. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. and the student sat there. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Three weeks later. He was born in the year 1564. His mother died in infancy. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. she couldn't have any children. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. We wanted to know the height. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers. the professor of physics remarked. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. Proctor: Sorry. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. 26. writing his examination and happily slurping away. He wrote tragedies. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees. April 26. “Smart alec. Cyrus Jokes McCormick invented the McCormick raper. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. Madman Curie discovered radio. all in Islamic pentameter.” The professor of English quickly unscrewed the pole from its moorings. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation 24. The First World War. it contributes to erosion Page 84 . “What seems to be the problem?” “We. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. 20. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. 22. Flagpole The professors of mathematics and physics were staring away at the flag pole in front of the front of the college building. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. it is a major component in acid rain 3. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. no. accidental inhalation can kill you 5. 25. whipped out a measuring tape. measured it. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical “dihydrogen monoxide. During the Renaissance America began. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. Looking at the English professor's receding back. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state 4. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.”. He was very large. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. 31. and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. 33. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. since it can: 1. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Thomas Jefferson. 27.” and walked away smoking his pipe. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. a Virgin. The professor of English walking by asked. 19. “It is exactly 20 feet long. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power. supposedly on his birthday. and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children.” And for plenty of good reasons. 18. ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. caused by the assignation of the ArchDuck by an anahist. and he tells us the length!” How Gullible Are We? A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair. Exams Cakes and Ale Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Also. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. 30. The next great author was John Milton. He wrote Donkey Hote. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.17. which did the work of a hundred men. and the Santa Fe. “were wondering how to measure the height of this flag pole. Handel was half German half Italian and half English.” Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent. the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge.

“What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked..000. Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1. Page 85 . However.” the man replied.” “Come and read it for yourself. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. They looked at the first problem. Late for Exam… Introductory Chemistry at Duke University has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really). Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day.” “Congratulations. they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves. it has been found in tumours of terminal cancer patients He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again. The subject doesn't matter. “Watch. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday). it went with the rabbit. but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough. with their hangovers and everything. someone screamed from the other side of the wall.” So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. So they did this and had a great time. Q: How many ``pro-lifers'' does it take to change a light bulb? A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing. a college student led the way into the den.'“ “Are you sure? That doesn't sound right.6..> consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks. Fortythree said yes. you can go ahead and have me for lunch. So. You really are sick. such that going into the final they had a solid A.'' A': Just one. well-fed lion.and never came out. “Wait!” replied the rabbit. “How's it work?” the friend asked. Anyway. The title of his prize winning project was. You might have something contagious.” They did that problem and then turned the page. What's it about?” “'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.000. and only one knew that the chemical was water. six were undecided. my furry appetizer?” “I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves. “How Gullible Are We?” Jokes The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.” So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole. I just finished my thesis. two to turn the ladder. If you like.001: One to change the bulb and 1. “I am going to eat you for lunch!”. big daddy.” “Yup. for what they saw on the next page. the friend saw the typical graduate student abode.” He has been around forever. To the right there was a pile of fox bones. however. they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility.” “Oh yes.. in the head. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes 7. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend. Rather than taking the final then. “That is the talking clock. said the fox. The moral of the story: The title of your thesis doesn't matter. “Maybe I shouldn't eat you. All that matters is who your advisor is. Another rabbit came along and asked. The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. “What's up? You seem very happy. and seventeen in on the guest list. If you are not convinced. “Wait!” yelled the rabbit. they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. A': Twenty. “Cool” they thought. and had planned to come back in time to study. The two guys were elated and relieved. “Knock it off. you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. You can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her. which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. The research doesn't matter.” the man said and proceeded to give the gong an earshattering pound with the hammer.. The fox never came out. “this is going to be easy. Ten to do it. one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs. ``This page intentionally left blank. not according to my research. “you can't eat me right now. a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her. you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!” Rabbit Thesis One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. And in the middle was a large.” “And why might that be. and his course is semi-affectionately known as “Bonkistry. “You should at least wait a few days..'' and 20% of the definitions are of the form ``A <. Q: How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. One to hold the bulb.. Come and read it for yourself.'“ Lightbulb Jokes Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A: No. albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.” “Not really. what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it. They were unprepared. so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this. and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001. of which 10% of the pages state only. Suddenly.” “Oh yeah? Why should I wait?” “Well.. etc. As they entered.” “You really are crazy!” But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose. to the left a pile of wolf bones. It said: (95 points) Which tire? Talking Clock While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends.'“ “Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit.

Q: How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. since the one who tries to change it usually drops it. and four to relate to the experience. one to find a bulb installation specialist. A': Nearly unanswerable. and 44 to do the paperwork. Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb? A: None..to give the bulb a cultural revolution. One to change the bulb. Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. One to change the bulb. Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: We don't know. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. A': 2. Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion. Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Many hands make light work. and the other two to help him down off the keg. Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Sorry. It will be continued next week. Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three: One to screw it in. Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb? A: It takes two. but they're really only one. Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. one to write the light bulb insertion program. and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. One to change the bulb. If the government would just leave it alone. Meanwhile.000 . and four to guzzle beer until the room spins. it would screw itself in. Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb? A: Sorry.Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.'' Q': How long will it take? Page 86 . A': None of your damn business! Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it. Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one. Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program. Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs. Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: About one third less than for a regular bulb. and the other to kick the switch. and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time. light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end. Q: How many FSE's does it take to replace a dead light bulb? A: Who can tell. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it. assholes never see the light anyway. A': None. Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What kind of answer did you have in mind? Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one. One to find a bulb specialist. It turned itself in. Q: How many <ethnic> gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: All of them. Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: To get to the other side. They don't like to share the spotlight. Q: How many <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10. One to turn the bulb. Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? A: one. A': 45. A'': Three. FSE's are always in the dark. A': Five: One to hold the bulb. Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. and the others call for a planning session. and one to bill it all to Medicare. Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10. one for support. They never get past the feasibility study.. Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? A: None. but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Jokes A: None. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only). Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions. There's a primitive for that. Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc) Note: FSE's are ``Field Service Engineers. they like to keep him in the dark. that item has been cut from the budget! Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's not funny!!! Q': How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb? A': It's ``Radcliffe Women'' and it's not funny! Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two.

Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. Re: YALBJ. Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one. One to curse the darkness.. One to take out the bulb and drop it. and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace. A'': Two. One to change the light bulb. A': One. That's a hardware problem.'') Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. He gives it to five Oregonians. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10. thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. and if one more simply watches them do it. Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. and the third to shoot the witness. One to change the bulb.. Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb. but it takes at least three light bulbs. but if he changes it. A': Nine. but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ``Oh wow. Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. One to screw it in and the other to say ``Fabulous. A': None. He gives it to six Californians. In earlier work. is it like dark. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him. Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb? A: None.) Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. A''': In an earlier article. Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. A': None. Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.I'll just sit here in the dark.to his. because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark. (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. the whole building will probably fall down. Jokes A': Only one. Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him. and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed. Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. stock NOW! Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Both of them. one to screw the light-bulb in. Bibliography: [1] Wiener. Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Depends on what you want to change it into. (Notes: think height!) Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. <11485@ucbvax>.000 years. thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. for all n in the positive integers. That's a software problem. It's left to the reader as an exercise. one to light a candle. Q: How many Harvard grads does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one. (``That's all right. Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. ``Oh. Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one. could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?'' Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb? A: There is nothing to change.. Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. and one to control the means of production! Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? A: Nobody knows. A'': One..'' Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one. and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out). They consider this joke to be a disgrace. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. and one to change the bulb. but they get three tech.A': That's indeterminate. zeus!bobr writes: Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. If k mathematicians can change a light bulb. if it knows its own Goedel number.. One always leaves in the middle of the project.. Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: At least three.. Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 151.. one to be a witness.. One to exploit the proletariat. You have to replace the whole motherboard. Page 87 . Q: How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Libertarians never change light bulbs. thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. the bulb will change itself when it is ready. excuse me. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too. but it sure takes a load of light bulbs! Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one.E.. Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one. A': One. though it is not bad for a LBJ. He gives it to six Californians. Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. man?'' Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? A': It only takes one to change your bulb. and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it. Matthew P. then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb. reports out of it. Therefore. One to change the bulb. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs. 1986 Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb? A: 101. but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. n mathematicians can change a light bulb. Q'': What if you have two dead bulbs? A'': They replace your fuse box. by induction. one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.. and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago. A': It's out?? Sell my G. Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb? A: 51.

Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong. and circumvent these. Everything takes longer than you think. Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as you want.) Q: How many U. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy. Murphy's Law of Research Enough research will tend to support your theory. Don't be conspicuous. manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure. A'': One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. By its nature it will go out again. The true Zen answer is Four. will promptly develop. like. We'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. it draws sergeants.empty your magazine Tracer works both ways The easy way is always mined Suppressive fire. Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong. Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. Ya got a problem with that?'' Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. so can the enemy. Every solution breeds new problems. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. the more likely your artillery will shoot short. unprepared for. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.Q: How many strong <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 115. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. If it's stupid but works. Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics Things get worse under pressure. one to hold the giraffe.they may be low on ammo If the enemy is in range.. . anyway. A head shot at 600 metres is nature's way of telling you your camouflage is poor The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it. Out of the combat zone. Quantization Revision of Murphy's Laws Everything goes wrong all at once. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out The buddy system is essential to your survival. One to change the bulb. The Murphy Philosophy Smile. Never share a weapon pit with anyone braver than you Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder Try to look unimportant . No inspection-ready unit ever survived combat.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 50.'' (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Whenever you set out to do something. Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: A tree in a golden forest. things tend to go from bad to worse. too large and too small. so are you When in doubt . Q: How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. If your attack is going really well it's an ambush If your sergeant can see you. something else must be done first. Q: How many surgeons does it take to replace a light bulb? A: 3. If anything simply cannot go wrong. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong. you have obviously overlooked something. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him. In the combat zone. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection. Mother nature is a bitch. tomorrow will be worse. A''':None. it will anyway. Also. Murphy's Law of the Open Road: When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random. and (2) they will always meet at the bridge. and there are only two cars on that road. and another to say ``Sock it to Me.00000000000000000000000 Q: How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two.. isn't Page 88 Murphy's Laws Murphy’s Laws Nothing is as easy as it looks. Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.. the phrase was from Laugh In. then a fifth way. Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb? A: You cannot change a light bulb. it follows that: (1) the two cars are going in opposite directions. Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: Oooh. one to screw it in.. it will happen then. Murphy's Constant Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value Murphy’s Laws of Combat The further you are in advance of your own positions. Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Approximately 1. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. they're all virtual. Left to themselves. it draws fire. A': Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it. Jokes If everything seems to be going well. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. Murphy's Law of Copiers The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance. and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly collared machine tools. Q: How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb? A: ``Twelve. it isn't stupid The enemy diversion you are ignoring is probably their main attack Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support The quartermaster has only two sizes. it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at. the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.. Zen masters carry their own light.

And what is your marital status? A.. Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? . Q. “Um. Perhaps they ain't so bright after all. with him to the station? MR. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions. Q. Are you sexually active? A. Q. Friendly fire. take a nap. for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.. “First. Yes. Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth Q: What year? A: Every year. What's his first name? A. and you can't remember Page 89 Order in the Court Anglicare The local Anglicare office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. the Anglicare rep mumbled... how old is he? Q. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?” The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied. if you have any.. Q.it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at A sucking chest wound is nature's way of telling you to slow down The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map. How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? Q. he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.. vanish forever into the air. Ernestine McDowell.30pm Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at that time? A: No.. Borofkin. “I had no idea. And who is this person you are speaking of? A. Q.. Teamwork is essential . That question should be taken out and shot. He's been your brother-in-law for years.. No. What is your name? A.” On a roll. No.000 you give not a penny to charity. so why should I give any to you?!” Court Transquips Most language is spoken language.. and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?” Embarrassed. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials. and miss. Were you present when your picture was taken? Q. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600. that my brother. And where was his head? A. Juror: That's not true. I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds.. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth. When you have secured an area.. Q. “Third. Q. The victim lived. would he have brought you.. have you not. Could you see him from where you were standing? A. And where was the location of the crash? A: approximately milepost 499 Q: And where is milepost 499 A: Somewhere between milepost 498 and 500.. meaning you and she. My ex-widow said it. Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys? Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth. had you gone and had she. as we begin. “. once they are uttered. don't forget to tell the enemy The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. you have investigated other murders. and most words. I can't remember. the lawyer cut him off once again. or a female? Q. The youngest son. Was that the same nose you broke as a child? Q.Jokes Recoilless rifles. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8.any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? A. if she wanted to and were able. If you are short of everything except the enemy. Were you aquainted with the deceased? A.” “Second.And I don't give any money to them. aren't Incoming fire has the right of way. Q.” the lawyer's voice rising in indignation. When he went. for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go. Was that the same nose you broke as a child? Q.. where there was a victim? Q.. Q. You were there until the time you left. you are obviously biased for the prosecution. Just above his shoulders. Q.. Q. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. Now. Fair. THE COURT: Now. you are in contact If you really need an officer in a hurry. There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you. I just lie there. Lawyer: Well. BROOKS: Objection. sir. the twenty-year old. “Leaving her penniless with three children?” The humiliated Anglicare rep. is that true? Q. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks Q. you are walking into an ambush. I could see his head.. completely beaten. is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken Anglicare rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off. Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room. a disabled veteran. Before or after he died? Q. said simply... What is your brother-in-law's name? A. too. gone also. isn't If your advance is going well. Did he kill you? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. then. Q. Q. that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident. Q: Was this a male.

Apparently then. Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch? Judge: I can't do anything about that. I should be. Borofkin. your honor. Mrs. “If you're guilty. Q. Oral.. how was your first marriage terminated? A. what would you do? Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.” The judge declared. How old are you? A. didn't you?” A: “I went to Europe.” Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court? Judge: Of course. I'm the guy who stole the chickens. “Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?” The coroner said. objective witness. as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him. And by whose death was it terminated? A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. Q. Doctor.K. No. Are you qualified to give a urine sample? A. Gary. don't I? Defendant: Uh. the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks. No. Page 90 . but that was before I heard all the evidence against me. I tell you I'm too excited. Q. Verdict After a trial had been going on for three days. do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? A. he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q. Q.” The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. for God's sake. the man accused of committing the crimes. How many times have you committed suicide? A. you might be obstructing justice not to tell me. I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. Johnson.. he just said I could have the furniture. He came home. “Well.” The foreman responded.” Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Yes. Are you the defendant? Defendant: No. Q. I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges. Oral. I'm divorced. He didn't offer me nothing. Now. isn't it. “Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?” “Yes. Mrs. A lot of things I didn't know about. let me put it this way. Judge: I know you. Finley. why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?” he demanded. Smith.” The attorney then asked. Lawyer: Male semen? Witness: That's the only kind I know of. Q. when the trial started I thought I was innocent.? What school do you go to? A. What were you and your husband doing at that time? Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said. Now doctor. how do I know you? Defendant: Judge. Q: How old is your son. Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated. Would You Please Clarify That? After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A. “No. Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon. I will be three months November 8th.” “Did you check for breathing?” “No. Four times. now tired of the brow beating said. Q. but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere. Lawyer: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show? Witness: There were traces of semen. the one living with you? A: 38 or 35 I can't remember which Q: How long has he lived with you? A: forty five years Q. Q. 1979? Q. “Would you please pass it to me. right?” A: “Yes.. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities? A. isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep. the date of conception was August 8th? A. a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr.” “So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead.” Q: “And you took your new wife?” Q: “She had three children. Defendant: Okay. I think you're a son of a bitch. How did you happen to go to Dr. Q. Q. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. Q.” Q: “How many were boys?” A: “None. No. There's no law against thinking. tell them your first name! Q. stood up and approached the judge's bench. Judge: All right. yes. sir. sir. Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch. You too were shot in the fracas? A. do I have to tell you? Judge: Of course. By death. O. but I don't want them to know it. Q.” Q: “Were there any girls?” Q. and next morning he was dead. “Well. Have you anything to say in your defense? Defendant: Habitual thirstiness? Q. The attorney asked. She is my daughter. Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. had you?” The coroner. all your responses must be oral. I have been since early childhood. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead? Q. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. Defendant: In that case. Q. Was she your daughter on February 13. Yes. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased. “Did you listen for a heart beat?” “No. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. What is your relationship with the plaintiff? A. how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A. and said he was really good. Slatery. Sir. And lastly. “Where am I Cathy?” Q: And why did that upset you? A: Because my name is Susan. Well. Cherney? A. we have. I was your bookie.Jokes his first name? A. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr.) Nathan. Q.and what did he do then? A. tell me. Q: “Mr. Cherney. Are you married? A. “Your Honor.

It was covered? A. Q. Q. when you came out of it.” “We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery. “Well I'll tell you what happened. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. Farmer Joe Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.. Q. Yes.After the judge reads the verdict himself. at the scene of the accident. Where was the dog at this time? A. However. In court the trucking companies fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. I don't drink when I'm on duty.. I said he was shot in the lumbar region. What happened then? A. And you were present when the picture was taken..” The lawyer interrupted again and said. Mrs. He approached her and asked. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? A. Q.. Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse? Victim: Yes. “just answer the question. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?” Q. “Well as I was saying. Do you drink when you're on duty? A. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch and she did! From a defendant representing himself. and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.. I am trying to establish the fact that. Yes. He could hear Beside moaning and groaning so he went over to her. This is how I dress when I go to work. bandaged. “I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule Bessie. Did he kill you? A. at the scene of the accident. “I'm real confused here. So. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: No before the accident A: Sure. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? A. elderly woman to the stand. I believe he is a fraud. is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A. He told me. Judge: And why is that? Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case. I even went to school for it. they would slap each other. sir. “I have to kill you because you can identify me. Q. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. and as the men swung around and changed partners. what did you see? A. unless I come on duty drunk. I refuse to answer that question. what do you think about that?” The defendant. No. Jones. at the scene of the accident. (Showing man picture. Doctor. she will tell the truth. I had just loaded Bessie. said the lawyer. Q. Lawyer: Tell us about the fight. he says. 'I'm fine. with a bewildered look on his face turns to his attorney and says. Attached to the ears. What was he doing with the dog's ears? A. “Judge. No. The man's attorney turns to his client and asks. Your Honor. I want you to appoint me another lawyer. did you say he was shot in the woods? A. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. He said. 'I'm fine!'“ Farmer Joe said. Q: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?” A: “Yes. No. after the anesthesia. Picking them up in the air. right? Q. No. Jones.” “Did you not say.. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.. later on. I saw you clearly. Q.. and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed. Officer. a grand motherly. did they go up also?” Q. Q. Q. my favourite mule. into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Farmer Joe responded. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion? Public Defender: I'm sorry. “So. "Mrs.” Q: “And these stairs. I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the. Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house.” Q. he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman. Oh. In a trial. “I didn't ask for any details. How are you feeling?” Lawyers How Not to Question a Witness Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer..'“. “Please read your verdict to the court. I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I had a skin graft. Witness: I didn't see no fight. do you know me?" Page 91 .” stated the foreman. a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness.” Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded. Q. tell us what you did see. Then. You are the one who stole my purse. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? A. “Didn't you say. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital. I refuse to answer that question. Jokes Q. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.) That's you? A... Lawyer: Well. What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant? A. Defendant: Judge. Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A. and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked.. what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? A.. “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. I played for ten years.” the lawyer interrupted. Q. Please tell him to simply answer the question. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. what did you observe with respect to your scalp? A. Q.” By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer. I wasn't listening. Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance. “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head. No.

the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). i. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher." The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do. You have a gun with two bullets. he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction.” The foreman responded. also known as “Partnership. also known as “Lawyer”." The defence attorney almost died. It was so cold last winter . an undercover Military Intelligence squad was patrolling a notorious Belfast area in plainclothes. I know him. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle. a duck can't. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one. and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door. with or without elevation at his option. with a bewildered look on his face turns to his attorney and says. also known as “Light Bulb”.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved. Jokes part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?” Police Jokes 5 Soldiers 6 Police 0 Brains (Early 70's. the lighting. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick. the other side has to get one. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. (How cold was it?) . the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part.” The judge declared. “Please read your verdict to the court. One of the soldiers asked the attendant if there was a pay phone.. Yes. "$50. the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks. Mr. "and what was your third question?" You're trapped in a room with a tiger.She responded. demarcated by the beginning of the carpet. you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. " Yes.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall. the following steps: 1.” stated the foreman. The man's attorney turns to his client and asks. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. “I'm real confused here.” “We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery. Twice.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”). "Mrs. A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. I've known you since you were a young boy..” Would You Please Clarify That? After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case. do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second . After the judge reads the verdict himself. do you know the defence attorney?" She again replied. The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice. any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. “Would you please pass it to me. and he has a drinking problem. they cannot be recalled. we have. 3. "Why. why should you never swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle. I know you. What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea. they screw up everything forever. a rattlesnake and a lawyer. I'll jail you for contempt. the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state.it was so cold. 2. he Pointed across the room and asked. Williams. Northern Ireland) In the early 70's. and the attendant pointed to the rear of the store. this point also being non-negotiable." replied the lawyer.. Jones. through the entryway. I've known Mr.." Lawyer Jokes What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die. Yes. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include. ladder or any other means of elevation. "Why yes.this point being non-negotiable. what do you think about that?” The defendant. This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document. After the perilous evening. Bradley since he was a youngster too. and the party of the second part. elucidation. You lie. being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction. I do. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed. by any or all persons authorized by him. said. When they land. you cheat on your wife. the attendant caught the flash of a concealed weapon. Alarmed and fearing a terrorist holdPage 92 Lightbulb Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Whereas the party of the first part.00 for three questions. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. they emerged onto a York street and stopped for petrol and a few smokes. Once launched. by means of a chair. your honor. "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me. yes I do know you. Belfast. One of them was your wife. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. “Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?” “Yes. as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.. you've been a big disappointment to me. terminating at an area just inside the primary living area. He's lazy. and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his rear. “So. What can a goose do.e. at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer). What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. and frankly. Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke. local and federal statutes. but not be limited to. stepstool. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? Skeet. As the soldier turned towards the phone." the lawyer replied. bigoted. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.

” Caller: “Is it okay for a civilian to take a person to the hospital.. he sees another guy on the side of the road. she just didn't fall.up.” Call-taker: “Is the deer alive?” Caller: “Oh.” Caller: “He's a lawyer. an off-duty officer around the corner drew his weapon and fired four shots in the air. this one dressed in blue and signalling for him to stop. she has real long finger nails. and just what the hell do you wanna have?” “Driver's license and registration. dove behind their vehicle. they saw that the machine had been tampered with. Reluctantly. The law of averages demands that some attempts end unsuccessfully. the ATM in question is three minutes away from a police station. Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is “Boom-Boom”. To his frustration. They drove out. He pried it away from the wall with difficulty. “How can I help you?” “I am the red jerk of the highway. and assumed that the thief had fled. One afternoon. On his way to the lake. or does the ambulance have to do it?” Caller (on realizing the police are on the way): “Get the keg outta here. many cars. our novice criminal decided to hide.” Klutzy Crook (February 1998) ATM's have become a popular target for thieves. The first guy rolls down the window and says. and yells. this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. At this point. which would have known of a military patrol in the area. “Cease Fire! Army. so don't use my name. too?” Call-taker: “Does she have any weapons?” Caller: “Well. Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts. You're the blue jerk of the highway. he wriggled behind and started working on removing the rear panel. he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. and .I helped her!” Complaint about a stolen mailbox: Call-taker: “What is your address?” Caller: “It's gone. If you park your patrol car in the exact centre of the Gobi desert. where he phoned the local police station 100 yards up the street. For good measure.” Call-taker: “We'll need a description of him. 1. our guy decides to stop one last time. mob handed.” Caller: “I'm reporting a deer on the road. “Stop! Police. In summary. You got something to drink?” Hardly managing to smile this time. please.. a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures for him to stop. our guy stops.. I almost hit it. cranks down the window. Also the harder they punch. Again and again. no. kick and choke. he phoned a pal in the CID. You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station. dude!” Caller: “He's not breathing!” Call-taker: “Can you get the phone close to him? Caller: “WHY? You want to hear he's not breathing. he comes across another guy. Hot calls will only come over the air 10 minutes before the end of your shift. They secured the area and called in a forensics team. the watchful reader will have noticed a few problems with his logic. The bigger they are. This guy is dressed fully in yellow. standing on the side and waving for him to stop. The soldiers were just preparing to leave the petrol station when a car screamed to a halt across the street and disgorged six plainclothes policemen brandishing an assortment of weapons. Jokes A bit irritated. The forensics team was dusting for fingerprints when a very loud ACHOOO! from behind the ATM.” Caller: “No. Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud. 911 Calls The following exchanges are taken from transcripts of 911 calls: Caller: “I'd like to make a unanimous complaint.” Over 100 rounds were fired across the busy intersection during the exchange. How to impress a cop. He has completely ignored the video camera. it's run over.” Another voice shouted back. The CID was excited by the thought of a good action going down.. “What can I do for you?” “I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You will only forget to go to court when the case is presided over by the meanest Judge in town. and says. the soldiers drew their own weapons. he needed to get at the back of the machine. and he hid behind the ATM. Not a single person was hurt. “Let me guess. left fingerprints. Not even five minutes later.” Murpy’s Laws of Policing New uniforms and ties attract catsup and gravy stains Court will be scheduled in the middle of your days off. Furthermore. Our hero started out like most: He knew that in order to win the prize. to rescue their friend from terrorists. A silent alarm is triggered if the machine is moved. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset. rolls down his window. the first guy hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away. As the sirens neared. The exchange lasted many minutes before a lone voice sounded. he hands the guy a can of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. As soon as he had enough clearance. Coffee machines only break down on the graveyard shift. When the police arrived.. within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for direction. the harder they fall. and they also failed to consult with the local police. or is this a recording?” Caller: “We might (cough) need the fire department here (cough). Believing they where under attacked by terrorists. Many. The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase. The police returned fire in earnest. Page 93 . he vanished into the back room. and the story was kept from the media to protect the identities of the “intelligence” officers involved. the klutzy crook was videotaped.OH NO!!! NOT AGAIN!” Caller: “Am I talking to a real person. But instead of phoning the front desk. You got something to eat?” With a smile in his face. and opened fire. 2.

Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. about to arrive on scene or is the only person available to fetch the spare set of keys from the station. Your pen will only run out of ink when you are ready to write a ticket. your wife comes by the station to visit. You will be flagged down by a citizen when you are on your way to the PD with a bad case of diarrhoea You will only be stopped for speeding off duty when you have forgotten your badge and DL Freebees will only arrive at the station on your days off. When your in a hurry. Crime only occurs on days that end in y You will only talk bad about another officer when they are standing behind you. they just smell that way. To err is human. No patrol car assigned to you will be clean and never have a full tank of gas. Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break. You will be decorated for stupidity. Just when you are thinking about making a pit stop in case they call you for an emergency they'll call you for an emergency. Your bullet proof vest was supplied by the lowest bidder. There will be no parking spaces around the court house when you are running late to appear. Word processors only delete reports when they are nearly done. your chief will be listening Your overheads and siren will only fail during a pursuit You will only roll through a stop sign when your Chief is sitting at the other side of the intersection K-9 units only do stupid thing's in public The day you let your girlfriend ride out with you. any impact weapon used will strike cops more times than crooks. Your portable radio will never fail until you are involved in a foot pursuit. You will find a “police discount” one day before payday. and busted for brilliant work. If the crooks are within pistol range. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. In a physical confrontation involving more than one officer. Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the sheriff. Court will be cancelled only after you have changed all your plans to be there. There is an inverse relationship between the number of auto club stickers on a rear bumper and how well the person drives. You will run out of road flares on the foggiest or darkest night of the year Page 94 . The experience of your DA is inversely proportional to the importance of the case he is prosecuting. The hardest job for a Hostage Negotiator is to negotiate with the crisis committee! No one's idea is a good idea until it becomes another's idea. Waterproof boots aren't. the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired. Vehicle pursuits always progress from areas of low traffic density to high traffic density. The oldest squad car won't be retired. Anything that you do can get you shot . Exercise.. You will only lock yourself out of your cruiser when a Supervisor is on scene. Old squad cars never die. Putting in a request to go home early is the best way to jinx yourself and end up on overtime. Bullet proof vests might be. Your squad car will only break down when you are outside your beat. just do it in front of as few people as possible! Anyone that flirts with you on-duty won't even recognize you offduty. The speed you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer. You are ALWAYS downwind from pepper spray. so are you. Do unto others.usually the Chief's If your patrol car's air is out the suspect will smell worse than a wet dog. You receive a subpoena for a major felony case for the first day of your paid for. but do it first. Die anyway. Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day. The number of citizen that approach you during lunch is inversely proportional to the amount of time you have to eat. if a fellow officers car is under it pushing the stop button will only slow it down. When closing the Sally Port door. You will only be subpoenaed to court at 0900 hrs in the morning after working an 18 hour day. Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you.Jokes To error is human. It will always be busy as hell when you don't feel like doing anything and will always be dead as heck when you are out looking for something to do. that is when all slow and “lack of attention” drivers are driving on the road. you will get pissed on by a drunk. to forgive is against department policy. You will be called into work on your day off when your family has planned a party at the lake. Perfect 10's only show up to talk when you are busy.. The more a weapon costs.including doing nothing! The first sip from the first coffee of your shift always triggers the dispatcher to send you on a call usually an emergency or something that will cause the coffee to go cold before you can return to it. non-refundable vacation. You will never get a bomb threat call until the squad is away on training. Eat right. NCIC will be down anytime you see a car listed on a hot sheet. You will remain in perfect health until your days off. Never respond to a domestic with anyone braver than you If your raid is going well. Shatterproof flashlights seldom are. You always have a big use of force on your Friday before your vacation. It will be assigned to you. Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours. On the nights where you have to go grocery shopping in uniform. You will score no higher than fourth on a promotion exam with only three positions. you're at the wrong house The one time you cuss on the radio.

Incontinence Pads . The “big” pay raise will always come next year. Anyone opting for a foot chase is always carrying at least 20 pounds less than you are. The time you need to transmit on the radio comes immediately after you have taken a big bite of your lunch Rookies will ask the Dispatcher “Do we have a clear channel?” on the radio only when you are clearing a house on an alarm call!! You only need assistance in a hurry when you are in the part of town your radio doesn't work in.. Your time is always less important than the time of the judge and prosecutor. 1. You will only get a citizen complaint when your video camera or tape recorder is broken. Walking Stick . the first offender you pick up is going to be a drunk that will get sick in the car. Seeing eye dog . only you will burn copies of it. The only time Chief's come out from behind their desk is to overreact! After all is said and done. until you get into a chase. the news media. it will turn out he wasn't kidding Your department will always be over budget.Labrador .Brown Other Ranks 3 Walking Stick . No matter how quiet the radio has been. no one forgets. Your cars AM/FM radio will only go out when you have had only 4 hours of sleep before your shift. will be its inconsistency.Medium pack of 50 3. When you come to the last form in the file. When you are late for work and in a hurry to iron your uniform shirt.aren't very. Walking Stick .Authorised Traffic Officers who have completed Pursuit Course 1. The only consistent thing about any law enforcement agency.. when your portable radio is not working. think of it as a really low risk of ammunition wastage. What is said in the patrol car stays in the patrol car. you use sign to a deaf driver and citizens call the station to complain about seeing you doing strange things and touching yourself on a traffic stop. right after the food is served of course The one unimportant fact that you forget to record at a crime scene will be the one that the defence cross examine you about and that the prosecutor tells you is “Crucial to this case!” Out of 10 traffic stops.. as you follow the Hell's Angels down the freeway on your way to work Your alarm clock is guaranteed to break.non operational officers 3. One day YOU will know why your FTO was so picky and cranky. When a cop does something wrong. Equipment always fails at the most inopportune time …. the power system will fail suddenly. Your radar will only malfunction when you see a car you know is going over 100 MPH You will always get a “Hot” call at the same moment you realize your weapon is still in the gun locker back at the jail. When placing cuffs on a suspect.German Shepherd . Departmental Intelligence Units. Your transmission will work just fine. they will pair you up with a rookie! The first bad-guy your trainee decides to tick off will have at least three black belts in three different martial arts. Incontinence Pads .for Operational Officers 3. making you late for work. the bigger the lie. Seeing eye dog . usually right after you've checked to make sure it's working. and for one reason or another you have to put him in the patrol car. You only lock yourself out of the squad car. The one time you order that expensive lunch is the only time you are told by dispatch to break for a hot call. an emergency call will be dispatched in your beat just after you stop your first car of the night. Zimmerframe Wheeled .. no one remembers. The intensity and number of war stories told is inversely proportional to the street experience of the storyteller.V8 with flashing lights and siren . Bathchair . Until Internal Affairs. The one time you wake up late and don't have time to iron your uniform is the one time the chief comes to roll call. the violator you gave a warning to instead of a cite is the one who file a personnel complaint against you. Zimmerframe Wheeled with pockets . Just when you get a nice brand new squad car. Jokes The higher the oath. a hell of a lot more is said than done. For every good deed done there is a Lawyer to undo it. Looking good in uniform more than compensates for incompetence. and lawyers get involved. Seeing eye dog . Unless it was said in the patrol car.Don't think of it as being outnumbered and surrounded. After taking a sign language course. The only car you let go with a warning ticket will be stopped ten minutes later and the driver arrested for transporting the largest quantity of illegal drug in your counties history.Small pack of 50 2. and your equipment will always be older than you Never date Murphys' daughter. and need the peace and quiet. Zimmerframe – Standard 2.for Traffic Officers 4. especially when Murphy is the Chief A police officer who wields a baton or other impact weapon in a fight is more likely to strike another cop than the criminal New Age Constables Following the amendment to the Police Regulations removing the age limit for compulsory retirement of sworn officers.White Commissioned Officer Use Only 2.Jumbo Super Soaker 1.except when your Sergeant is telling the story. When a cop does something right. There is a code of silence in law enforcement. Incontinence Pads .. On the day you make the felony arrest of your career. No good deed goes unpunished The only time there is paper in the dispenser at the station is when you don't need it. Anyone who doesn't notice an unmarked car is probably not doing anything illegal anyway. the day after you receive a department-wide memo regarding attendance policy and punishments. which remains stuck. just as the news mini cams arrive your zipper will break.Commissioned officers only Page 95 . When you get old.white poodle .operational officers only 2. you will always close them to the point that it takes half an hour to back them up so blood can circulate. with lots of experience.Brown with rubber stopper for night shift 1. Your portable radio will only malfunction when you have accidentally set off your car horn. it has been necessary to include additional items on the stores requisition list. If the guy you pull over for speeding says he was going so fast because he has diarrhoea..

The following items can be ordered on a special requisition:All police forms in font size 24 for easier reading Pens. then the NAC is to be tested for life. obviously if a NAC has not moved for some time or has taken on an unusual shade of blue or black. Hearing aid – large 3. all officers should treat NAC's as they would any other officer.why are you going so slow?” Sister: “Sir. the resident should be forewarned that bodily emissions from the NAC may be expected.. and car blankets can be ordered on the same form. 1200v (for living dead) Orthapeadic shoes. any speed in excess of 35kmh will be deemed to be “high speed”. this should be removed carefully and considerately. Care should be taken not to expose the NAC to sun or bird droppings and the issue car-blanket in regulation tartan colour is to be placed over the NAC's knees. Younger officers accompanying NAC's should not be perplexed or concerned during long periods of silence during an interview between a NAC and an elderly victim. Cans of perfumed room sprays are available on request. Where a NAC pursues an offender who refuses to stop. This new and innovative approach to policing can be very rewarding to the public and the service alike. It may take some time for the NAC to be able to raise his or her arm to the required height to perform the salute and in some cases this action may cause the NAC to fall over. or strange smells (not to be confused with bodily emissions) are noticeable. At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. horlicks. Cocaine or Ecstasy. The police canteen will also be providing. Where a NAC on secondment to Drug Squad accidentally ingests Ecstasy. these should be attached to the NAC in a conspicuous position. it will be permissible to leave a motorised NAC in his or her bathchair. It is expected that as time goes by. this is a 65 MPH highway -. care should be excercised to ensure Geritol and anti-athritic medication is not confused with Heroin. Name tag .. duty officers are not to permit two or more NACs to patrol together unless a younger officer is also present. Younger members are not to leave expired NAC's in cars or at the side of the road. oxy-reviver and wet compresses will be deployed. I saw a lot of signs that said 22.with name 2. that's not the speed limit.black . Radio and Technical Section will be installing audible transmitter chips in sets of false teeth of NACs to facilitate easy location when teeth have been misplaced. Cop: “Excuse me. Naturally. we just got off of highway 119.with name and warning not to surprise or excite wearer due to heart problems. younger officers are to awaken the NAC gently so as not to cause alarm or surprise. Where a NAC has been left sleeping for some time. Jokes Excessive dribbling from the sides of the mouth should also be ignored unless it begins to interfere with the interview such as smudging written statements.” Sister: “Oh. Such alarm or surprise could invoke a heart attack or worse sudden incontinance.with name & requesting finder to return the lost officer to nearest police station 4. COPS manual will also be amended to require younger officers to exercise due care when working with our 'new age constables' (NAC) Where a NAC falls asleep whilst on duty. Practical jokes on NACs should be discouraged as this may cause embarrassment to the NAC and the service. NAC's are not to be encouraged to join specialist areas such as TRG or OMCG units. that's the name of the highway you're on! Sister: “Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. The thief. Name tags . 240v. fold-out bed. not 65. bovril.red . copius quantities of Milk of Magnesia may assist. Younger officers will receive special training in this procedure. Should the NAC be taken into private residences to undertake enquiries. Officers are to be mindful not to forget the NAC when they leave the scene of the inquiry. When a “high speed” pursuit occurs.xtra large for desk sergeants 1. Finally. All cars will be equipped with body bags in which the expired NAC can be placed until the end of duty at which time the NAC is to be returned to the office.. both may merely be taking a short nap.black . in addition to normal beers and spirits. I'll be more careful. NAC cars will be supplied with lambswool covers (waterproof) and soft rubber rings for prolonged sitting. a number of NAC's will expire in the course of duty. Name tags . Hearing Trumpet . which will be a normal and acceptable practice. stockings.1. On extended inquiries. bearing in mind that one day they may also be a NAC. Younger Commissioned Officers approaching a non-commissioned NAC should exercise patience and tolerance when expecting a salute. Chemicals and steel wool should be avoided. Replacing photocutouts in shopping centres or dummies in traffic cars with napping NAC's will not be tolerated. Hearing aid – small 2.” Cop: “Oh sister. camomile tea. Inconspicuous dabbing of the side of the mouth with a tissue will temporarily relieve the problem.black . however the officer providing this remedy should be cognisant of the laxative effect of the remedy. Where NAC's are seconded to Drug Squad. regular checks for life should be conducted and where graffiti has been painted on the NAC. pencils etc with special attachments for athritis sufferers Geritol tablets and in liquid form (bulk) Motor vehicle magnetic signs “Warning-elderly driver in control” Portable electric heart starters in 12v.with name and requesting reader to speak in loud voice 3. what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible. Name tags . a backup unit equipped with heart starter paddles. Nuns Driving A cop pulls over a carload of nuns. Cop: “Sister. Many elderly people will be able to relate to NAC's more readily than to younger officers and this should be encouraged. sitting in the sun whilst enquiries are conducted. It is imperative that the duty officer be advised of the expiration of the NAC as an expired NAC may take on the appearance of a napping NAC. In the interests of safety. any bodily parts falling off a NAC may also indicate expiration. who specializes in international events that attract crowds of visitors. Non-NAC officers will not tune commercial radios to Triple J or similar head banging radio stations or turn up the volume of the radio so as to unnecessarily excite the NAC when the car ignition is switched on.” Pick Your Target A professional French pickpocket used astoundingly poor judgement when selecting his most recent victim at the Seville Airport in 1999. thought he was in his element when Page 96 . Special tie on tags requesting the finder to return the NAC to the nearest police station will be available upon request. and a range of soft biscuits. Sister. underwear on clothing requisitions Support stockings. It should be noted that many NAC's may in fact smell of mothballs and this could in some cases cover the smell of prolonged death.

. (1) (2) Jokes The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment.. I sent him to the same address as the reporters. The two athletes quickly chased down the thief despite his hefty head start.... and had a loaded gun in his possession. a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner. She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was free after my shift was over.. The Chief appeared at the scene and took command..... He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirror sunglasses. The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past. While being arrested..... he had slurred speech. this subject resisted being injured in the act.. I've got two theft cases hanging over his head... I heard a voice from inside the house say “Come in” so this writer entered through the door. and was surprised to find that his target had registered a speed in excess of 300 miles per hour.. capable of running 100 meters in 9.000 radar then seized up and could not be reset by the bemused Policemen. could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 0-0-0? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes. Police Training Question: How do you tell the difference between a NSW. The GBP8. I wrote one citation for each cussword he used. and charges.. What the report MEANT (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) While on routine patrol.. The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations.. This is so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.. The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner I didn't like the car he was in and he had a bumper sticker that said “Slow Down--Don't Feed The Pigs”. The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control It was raining and it was cold. This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.. I tried my darndest to break this assholes neck. and you are an expert shot.... You are carrying a Glock . but the entire episode was captured on film by a Spanish television crew that had been interviewing Mr.. have a paint and weed day and make this a happier... One of the unnamed officers used the device to check the speed of an approaching vehicle. Radar Scottish News . champion 110-meter hurdler for the US Athletic team.40.. Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips? Police Reports What the report SAID (1). He was also spotted by Maurice Green. The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies.. Further interview of the witness was impossible. due to conditions.. was unsteady on his feet. I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed. I told him he didn't have the balls to call the judge the same name he called me.. Knowing the suspect had a criminal history.. They were using a hand-held radar device to trap unwary motorists on the Edinburgh to London trunk road... It was my bowling night. I sent then to a nonexistent address which I called the “Command Post.16 October 1999 The following article appeared in the Berwickshire Gazette : Two traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an incident whilst checking for speeding motorists on the A1 road last May. Upon announcing my title and purpose.. locks eyes with you.. Using only enough force to restrain the subject. “He chose the wrong man.. or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on.” I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding.. Suddenly.. What do you do? NSW Answer: Well. the fastest sprinter on Earth. that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.. The dirtbag looked at me when I passed by.. Daughter: “Nice grouping. He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat. The pickpocket attempted to pretend that he was just an innocent French tourist. The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado Page 97 (1) (2) (1) (2) The motorist eyes were glassy.” deadpanned a spokesman for the Civil Guard. and smelled strongly of an alcoholic beverage. Little did he realize that he was dipping into the bag of Larry Wade.. It was too hot to ride in the car... raises the knife. and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me.. . Greene at the time.(sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click..79 seconds. screams obscenities. The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army so I kicked in the door. I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner... I arrested him once for Public Intoxication.. healther street that would discourage such behavior.he circled a group of young men and chose his prey. QLD or VIC Police Officer Pose the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children... QUEENSLAND Answer: BANG! VICTORIAN Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

casting puzzled stares in his direction. or the radio. Page 98 . A Veteran checks out deserted spots in hope of finding solitude. A Veteran makes the Rookie do foot pursuits. “especially since this is a bus stop. A Rookie will collect bag and tag any evidence he is able to find at a homicide scene. Proud of his first official act. A Rookie will make a traffic stop on the other end of the world one minute prior to shift change..” Rookie Cop A rookie police officer was out for his first ride with an experienced partner. turn on the lights and watch the motorists stop. A Veteran spends 45 minutes drinking coffee at Dunkin Donuts. A Veteran will explain all the answers after the briefing. A Rookie comes out of the academy remembering all the up to date training. A Veteran doesn't wear one for liability reasons. A Rookie spends 2 hours on a follow up. A Rookie will grab a shotgun and run up to the house. A Rookie loves to find stolen vehicles. A Rookie will stop a briefing with important questions. A Rookie loses his lunch at a homicide scene. A Rookie will utilize all his academy firearms training to attain the highest score. A Veteran can't spot anything at 50 yards. so he barked again.. A Rookie reminds a Veteran that Community Policing gets officers in touch with the Community. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. A Veteran was given 40 rounds of ammunition when he left the academy. A Veteran reminds a Rookie how they patrolled before they finally got the extra cars. A Rookie carries a laptop computer. A Rookie will entertain a child at a scene to build a positive image of police. A Veteran points it out for them. A Veteran is the first one in the station to go home. A Rookie uses McDonalds drive through so he won't miss a call. A Rookie call the Brass by their rank. “Well. A Rookie: You can't read his name plate because it’s polished so brightly. A Rookie will park a unit on the side then stand in the rain yelling at motorist to stop. A Veteran come from academy training remembering just the faces have changed. A Veteran doesn't want anyone to know he is a cop. “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He said. A Veteran calls the Brass by their first name. A Veteran will make him bring it back. how did I do?” Pretty good. Luckily the Dutch pilot was alerted to the missile status and was able to override the automatic protection system before the missile launched. A Veteran doesn't put enough into reports. A Rookie puts too much in reports. A Rookie loves foot pursuits.” Rookies vs. A Veteran thinks every death is a Suicide. A Rookie will view a computerized unit tracking system as a way of getting backup.” chuckled the vet. A Rookie hunts for probable cause. A Veteran will apologize to the Detectives and Technicians that he is a Rookie. A Veteran will park a unit in the road. A Veteran thinks no one out runs time. the people began to leave. A Veteran on Morning Watch will use stationary radar as an early warning device.the tactical computer on board the aircraft not only detected and jammed the “hostile” radar equipment. A Veteran writes on his hand. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. A Veteran doesn't care about stolen vehicles unless someone is in them. NOW!” Intimidated. A Rookie on Morning Watch will use stationary radar to catch speeders and drunks. ready to neutralise the perceived threat. A Rookie will curse the soul of the ones that out ran them. A Rookie wants everyone to know he is a cop. the young policeman turned to his partner and asked. A Veteran will entertain a child at a scene to get him to tell where the evidence is. The rookie rolled down his window and said. A Veteran will let a Rookie from the next shift volunteer to go assist. “Call for backup. although it is understood that officers will be advised to point their radar guns inland in future.” A few glances.Jokes aircraft in the North Sea. A Rookie try’s to be the first on the scene to check a bank alarm. A Veteran will explain afterwards why he had to put it back. but no one moved. A Rookie get into the newest unit with all the latest crime-fighting gadgets. A Rookie thinks every death is a Homicide. A Rookie is the first one in the station for roll call. it was revealed that the officers had a lucky escape . but had automatically armed an air-to-ground Missile. A Veteran will never recall his unit needing a backup and view it as a conspiracy. Veterans The difference between rookie cops and veteran cops. “Let's get off that corner. Following a complaint by the Chief Constable of the Lothian & Borders Police force to the RAF liaison office. A Rookie checks out deserted spots in hope of finding a drug deal in progress. A Veteran eats his lunch at a homicide scene. A Veteran gives follow ups to Detectives. A Veteran try’s to get the dispatcher to be the first to call the bank before the Rookie arrives. “Let's get off the corner people. A Rookie can spot an expired tag at 50 yards. which was taking part in a simulated lowflying exercise over the Borders and Southern Scotland. A Veteran will convince the Range Master to give the Rookie another chance. Lothian & Border Police Department have declined to comment. Recruit A police recruit was asked during the exam. A Rookie is given 40 hours training on communications at the academy.

The quickly Page 99 . Hey. The sextet then used high-powered torches to open it. A Veteran remembers the establishments that used to offer a “warm up” in their coffee. the next five customers were armed FBI agents on their lunch breaks. A Rookie can not get away with anything. what's a good bribe go for around here? Just throw the ticket on the back seat with all the others. A Veteran can’t figure out why Rookies do it. He then waited in line for several more minutes so that he could rob the bank. Sorry officer. What do you mean “Have I been drinking?” You're the trained expert. Unknown This man cavalierly went to the bank and stood in line just as any other customer would. A Veteran remembers what the brass have gotten away with. surrendered with no shots fired. Feeling defeated. I was trying to keep up with traffic. the criminal left the Bank of America and walked across to the street to Wells Fargo. I'm having a great day---the last two cops who stopped me earlier only gave me warnings too. A Rookie stops in Convenience Stores to get a Cappuccino or Hot Chocolate to warm up. I pay your salary! Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay. Boston. when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack. Well. is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this. carrying over 18 million dollars. A Veteran gets “Pissed Off” watching Cops. Things not to say to a nice traffic officer. prosecuting attorney Guy Boney told the court that the group forced an armored car. After waiting in line for several minutes there. He went through the customer line. A Rookie never forgets. So tell me. A Rookie looks at the Veterans as Dinosaurs. forcing me to speed out of control. Put all your muny in this bag. he produced a handgun and announced in a very loudly “THIS IS A HOLDUP. San Francisco. I know there is no other car around -. you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job! I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. black jack or wooden batons alone were respected. just so one of us does. Yes. The Wells Fargo teller promptly called the police. I don't know how fast I was going. Boney also noted that the torches set off “a horrendously expensive bonfire” that turned over 2 million dollars into ashes. How come you're out here harassing innocent motorists--is the donut shop closed? Can you hurry up--the drugs could kick in at any minute. A Rookie fears loosing a suspect in a high-speed chase. my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal. United Kingdom Some videos recently were seen where robbers did not realize that the bank door opens one way. attempting to cash their checks. NOBODY MOVE!” Much to his dismay. I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. and as he approached up to the teller's window. “this iz a stikkup. A Veteran remembers everyone on his beat who has been kind to him.. You're not going to check the trunk are you? Hey. Britain In the trial of six men charged with attempting Britain's biggest cash robbery. As he got closer to the teller. the man began to worry that someone may have seen him write the note and might call the police before he could reach the teller. unskilled hunters. A Rookie can’t figure out how Veterans use to do it. he pulled out a ski mask and a gun. A Veteran does not explain the term “Grave Yard Shift” and just grins. A Veteran looks at the Rookies as New Dinosaurs. waiting for just the right moment to commit robbery. Massachusetts An “Einstein protégé” had been casing a Boston bank for several days. the teller determined that this robber was perhaps a few sandwiches short of a picnic. A Rookie gets “Pumped Up” watching Cops. A Veteran fears getting hit by a Rookie in a high-speed chase. who arrested the man a few minutes later--still waiting in line at the Bank of America. The little needle stops at 110. A Rookie remembers everyone on his beat he has arrested. He would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo withdrawal slip or go back to the Bank of America. A Rookie thinks he knows it all. until the next customer walks in unexpectedly. CA A man walked into the downtown Bank of America and on the back of a deposit slip wrote. into a wooded area. you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's bedside table. A Veteran remembers when he thought the same. he handed his note to a tell her.” While standing in line. A Veteran remembers when a sap. So. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? Hey. A Veteran always reminds. the man said he understood and left. She told him that because his note was written on a Bank of America deposit slip. (One guy was seen to shoulder barge the door in desperation for 2 minutes).Jokes A Rookie does not understand the term “Grave Yard Shift”. His “genius” casing job had failed to notice the FBI Field Office two doors down. A Rookie “hopes when”. to be eaten. A Rookie will use chemical agents and extendible metal asp’s to get compliance.44 magnum! No. Gee officer. So on the raising of the safety screens they assumed that the doors locked too. but I was trying to hit all the little green men! Stupid Bank Robbers. I can't reach my licence unless you hold my beer for me. I know I was weaving. waiting to give his note to the teller.. A Veteran “remembers when”. After reading it. a group of young. causing the men to flee.that's how far ahead of me they are. she could not honor his demand.

At the Pearly Gates. shoots one.. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. LIBERTY: Whatever. "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs and says. You have to take care of them. My favourite telephone gag is to call someone at random. The press dubs the affair “Cowgate”.Your eyes look red. Please do not answer Page 100 Politics and Cows RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. warmongerism." Practical Jokes Now for a *harmless* practical joke. Once again. The government bans you from milking or killing them. You sell one and buy a bull which you use to breed the other cow as well as every other cow in the area. then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back. A Falcon seats five. Saint Peter asks for credentials. the leisurely pace set by Edward. CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. arrested by Albuquerque police officers. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company. who ““probably knows that trailers at high speeds don't stay on very well. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. How can you prove yours?" George W. who sells the rights to all 7 cows' milk back to the listed company and proceeds from the sale are deferred. They get married and adopt a veal calf.” Webb elaborated. The government doesn't do anything. with an option on one more. Deputy Sheriff Scott Baird noticed the two trailer on the side of the road. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. He drove in and hitched a trailer onto his Toyota pickup. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallo-centric. Then it pays you not to milk them. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. and with an official tone rattle off this warning before they can interrupt: “This is the telephone company calling. There is some trouble with your line. then drove off quickly only to crash on Griegos Road. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks. Your neighbours pick someone through a vote to tell you who gets the milk. and charged with three counts of motor vehicle theft. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. have you been eating doughnuts?" Jokes DICTATORSHIP: You have 2 cows. Hurrah for Edward! If all criminals had a modus operandi as feeble as his. HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows.. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. "Come on in. Saint Peter scratches his head and says. Just then. "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear.. Milk is banned. The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!" The next to arrive is Picasso. but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk. you buy 2 chickens. The SEC eventually intends legal proceedings against you and your spouse for insider trading. BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. dude. The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder. you kill the 2 cows because the feng shui is bad. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you 2 cows if you vote for it. Entry Into Heaven Einstein dies and goes to heaven. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Three Times A Loser Edward had some trouble when he attempted to steal a utility trailer from the Home Depot store in Albuquerque. Detective Bill Webb said. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. The government takes both and shoots you." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. man. Political Jokes Q. "You look like Einstein. Bush. looks bewildered and says. He then returned to the home improvement store and hitched up a second trailer...When the Officer says "Gee Son. What is the bad thing about four politicians going over a cliff in a Falcon? A. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says. After that it takes both. intolerant past) 2 differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of unspecified gender. BUREAUCRACY: You have 2 cows. "Come on in!" Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have 2 cows.. After several years of expansion. the species would die out from an excess of convictions. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank. the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. You got to have some of this milk! SURREALISM: You have 2 giraffes. The would-be thief was finally pulled to a stop. then drove off only to have it come loose and crash 75 yards away from the first stolen trailer. "Go ahead.. Picasso asks. Then you start exporting sperm from the bull to emerging markets. FEMINISM: You have 2 cows. these 2 cows.. George. After a lengthy court battle. you are found guilty and sentenced to 10 years in prison. of which you actually serve 7 weeks. After the election.. and stopped to investigate. COUNTER CULTURE: Wow. The government fines you for illegally keeping 2 unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. TOTALITARIANISM: Your have 2 cows.” A 25-mph chase ensued. but the government takes all the milk. with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows. Saint Peter tells him. Edward “drives by with the third stolen trailer. Meanwhile. there's like."Gee Officer your eyes look glazed. When you come out of prison. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. and the fender of the trailer clips the deputy's patrol car. Saint Peter claps. Then. . your company issues an IPO to be listed on the NYSE.

Shortly after reaching the head of the line and tendering her deposit slip and some cash. but -. This will cause the sucker to think that he/she is getting 100 or so miles to the gallon. When he/she takes the car to the mechanic and claims that it was getting 100 MPG. Go through the building and forward EVERY phone to victim's line. “Oh. and said. I attended a school whose classrooms had fans with wide blades that were turned on the same time as the ceiling lights. go around. Paint the soap (preferably a new bar) with clear nail polish. Everyone's heard about filling the victim's room with balloons. Call victim's answering machine. Inflate the balloons in the privacy of your own room. From there on out he will be pulling his hair out to figure out what to do next. and it can take a dangerously long time to inflate them in the victim’s room. inflated balloons are bulky to carry.. If you can get into your victim's house. After the tourist spotted the bag from his car and got out to “investigate”. Not usually noticed when first picked up but optical quality of gladwrap is spectacularly bad. One of my favourite practical jokes is to get a somewhat long spool of rope.. Get a friend or 3 to help carry the coolers to the victim’s room.thus making the film un-viewable. the contest was to see if we could make him follow the bag while we tugged on the line. Glad wrap on reading glasses that have been left on desk is good. We'd place the bag beside a road and we would wait in the woods on the other end of the line..' Shove a raisin in the opening of a tube of toothpaste so that it will take some effort to squeeze then.. the next person to use the bathroom came out looking quite worried. Everybody hollered (a college theatre) and the manager turned on the house lights. We'd get a large lady's handbag and stuff it with newspaper or something and tie some fishing line to it. Close the door. 3 digits into the phone number. We arrived early one morning and piled the top of each blade with flour. POP. and wait about two minutes. Thank you. (don't worry. and find another person to hold the other end of the rope. and when walking down the street ( acting official. the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Call them back. Religious Jokes Atheist An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. The resulting storm took the entire class period to settle. The moths promptly disappeared only to return to the beam when the lights were turned off and the film restarted. Dump a whole bottle of laundry detergent into a toilet tank. staple the sides of many paper cups together so that they are in a ring or matrix configuration (anything too large to drag out the door).the side with the hole facing downwards into the bowl.. Leave what sounds to be an important message and. out comes a nice stream of toothpaste. Use large sewing needle to pierce skin at seam and move needle back and forth to “cut” banana in half. Add a gallon of gas a day to your victim's gas tank. A recent news article told of an individual who had forgotten her bank deposit slip so she used one of the 'counter' deposit slips that a bank keeps in little boxes at the customer service tables. Fill the beer coolers with liquid nitrogen. Make sure there isn't any paper or other water-damageable stuff on the floor. a while ago an intern came by and had me roll over so he could take my temperature. acting innocently. We called it “fishing for tourists”. Post ads around town for a garage sale (or open house) at Victim's house starting at 7:00 AM next Sunday. “What in the world are you doing?” Said the joker. this will probably (and hopefully) evoke a “suuurrree. Call a mortuary and report the victim dead. especially if he works on his own car. Continue doing this along the seam and banana will be sliced when peeled by target. First he will replace the fuel filter then maybe the fuel pump. He'll spend hours trying to achieve that 'rich. After your victim has bragged enough about what a wonderful car he/she has. and fill them all with water. even if it sounds ridiculous) Go out and get 2 or 3 styrofoam beer coolers. Reminds me of the kind of stuff we used to do growing up in Myrtle Beach. But our hero was discharged before the joker.. too. my God! Help me!” Page 101 . especially if the victim is your SON and you come by later.” “Yes. she was rousted by guards with drawn guns. Strain out the majority of the LN2 and dump the inflated balloons onto the floor.. between the seat and the bowl. The car will start just fine and will run for a couple of blocks. “Well. Be sure to do yours also to avoid being suspected. After the movie started he opened the box and the moths all migrated to the beam of light where they stayed . noticed the joker lying on his face with his bare butt up in the air. If you are concerned about any ethical implications. and suggest.with a daffodil?” Find a way to get at your victim's car so you aren't arrested as a car thief. A friend once collected an impressive number of live moths from around the porch light and took them to the local movie house in a shoebox.. luxurious lather. Go across the street and just wait. In one easy flip.) Unfortunately. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. Pick a spot near a corner . hopefully on their clothes.. This will be very frustrating to the car owner. they will fit.any calls for the next five minutes or the person on the other end may be electrocuted. SC. it's great fun to watch the balloons reinflate to fill the room) Fellow in a semi-private hospital room had been the brunt of far too many of his roommate's practical jokes. end the message. The balls will now float back to the top of the tank and he will be able to restart the car. (if there is a window or transom. When they answer. Seems someone had seeded the deposit slip box with deposit slips which had “I have a gun” hand printed on the back. he cried out.well.” Hang up. He then placed it in a toilet. Steal a banana from targets lunch. which will redline the frustration of your victim. just scream “AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!” and hang up. get someone to assist you in measuring a distance. Trimming at edge of lens is hard but effect is great. Then the balls will get sucked into the gas feed and cause the car to die. please make sure to add as much gasoline as you take out. Jokes buddy <or lady> from the mechanic.. Keeping lights and fans off. As the man sailed head over heels. start taking out a gallon of gas a day. the local police arrived shortly. One of my favourites is to put a couple of ping-pong balls in someone’s gas tank.). This will effectively give your victim zero miles per gallon. (at 77 K it can liquefy air) Stuff all 2 thousand or so inflated balloons into the beer coolers. liquefied air occupies *very* little space) You may need a refill or 3 of liquid nitrogen. (I've actually done this. and as he left noticed a cart full of intern's stuff. you get the idea. There is a solution. A friend of mine once took a McDonald's ketchup packet and poked a hole in one end with a needle. we sat in the dark until the teacher walked in and flicked on the switches. One of my favourites works best in large office buildings: Stay late one night. it really *does* work. First flush is spectacular! Especially if still sitting. Supposedly. Arrange to have his body picked up at his house sometime when he is at home. A while later the nurse came in. right? (balloons are great.

They can't tell the difference between light and darkness. if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you. Peter took them to their mansion. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship to your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service. this is Heaven.” the man pleaded. “You and your bran muffins. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.. then we'll talk about it. if they could discuss his use of the car. as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. but you didn't get your hair cut!” The young man waited a moment and then replied. having been married almost 60 years. don't forget the rummage sale. and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. “You know dad. studied the bible well. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P. give me a break!!. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.” His father replied. St. How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change light bulb? One. Church Bulletins Church Bulletins Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. “This is heaven. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.. which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. Noah had long hair.” The old man looked at his wife and said.” A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if he could use the car. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing. But for the message of light to continue. Steak. How many Anglicans or Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? None. “Son. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. He asked his father. mainly due to the wife's neurotic interest in health food. One to actually change the bulb.. in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions. His father said. bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. green beans. three-way. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light. fluorescent. Remember. You brought your grades up. “I'll make a deal with you.M.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus. His father said to him.” Bran Muffins This 85 year old couple. and tinted. send in your donation today. a booming voice came down from the clouds. and even Jesus had long hair. study the bible a little. They had been in good health the last ten years. They always use candles. Page 102 . How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? Ten.” St. and as the atheist hung in mid-air.Jokes At once. that is fine. “It's free.” Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to.. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. and get your hair cut.” “Ladies. we have a nursery downstairs. This is Heaven. “Yes son. including incandescent. mashed potatoes. where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” the old man asked timidly. I'm really proud of you. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. Don't forget your husbands. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water. Samson had long hair. They would have golfing privileges every day. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb? One. die in a car crash. They need all the help they can get. “I thought you didn't believe in Me!” “Come on God. Or. who was a minister. “Don't you understand yet?” St.” Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. “How much to eat?” asked the old man. and nine to say how much they liked the old one.you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. Peter asked. the ferocious attack scene froze in place. How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. When they reached the pearly gates. Peter replied. Eight new choir robes are currently needed. “two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!” Driving Permit A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. You bring your grades up. The old man asked. long-lived. “You play for free. all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence through Jesus Christ. and they walked everywhere they went. As they “oohed and aahed”. How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb? Ten.. How many liberals does it take to change a light Bulb? At least ten. However.” Peter replied. God has predestined when the lights will be on. It's free!” “Well. How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? CHANGE??????? How many neo-evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.” The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict For those of you who have children and don't know it. They simply read out the instructions and pray that God will change the light bulb. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. How many fundamentalists or independent Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one because anymore would be compromise and ecumenical standards of light would slip. I've been thinking about that. I could have been here ten years ago!” Ecumenical Light Bulb Changing How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? Only one since his/her hands are in the air anyway. the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “That's the best part. Moses had long hair. “What are the green fees?” “This is heaven.

“Third. at what point does life begin. “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD. said the son. To help you understand my sermon. They had to prod the Jewish Rabbi for his answer. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his yard and weeping and there was no Ark. no. “OK. The boy walked in with it unopened . I Honesty A minister told his congregation. she and her husband rushed into their son's room.” Jokes This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. we need to know that if things don't work out.. the minister asked for a show of hands. the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern. “First. I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project. I asked them. or learn how to swim for a very long time. “Where is my ark?” A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah. they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. “NO!” I was just bursting with pride for them..' The couple replied. thrilled at his remarkable progress. Cautiously. But I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. Again. Life begins when the last child leaves home. when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign. and it's a compromise in that the foetus is not functional with a heartbeat until the third month”.” The following Sunday. Heaven Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. He emerged long enough to eat. would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again. Overjoyed. but to no avail. When they reached the pearly gates. The Baptist Preacher spoke first and said “At conception. “NO!” By now I was starting to smile. Well. “Lord. “On that first day. and he finally leaned forward to his mike and spoke softly “All of my friends here are wrong. 'Yes. 'It took me six months to find a priest up here. “I did my best but there were big problems. so I had to get a variance from the City Planning Commission. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans.” shouted the Lord. mowed the yard. focused and very determined expression on his face. please forgive me!” begged Noah. the answer was.how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer!' Modern Noah And the Lord said to Noah. He went straight past them. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark. had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church. The minister smiled and said.. I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. the skies began to cloud up and the rain began to fall. they all answered.” thundered the Lord.” “The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?” “No”. “Six months and it starts to rain. if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children. 'Well as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer. St Peter met them. Stay there and I will be right back. would that get me into Heaven?” “NO!” the children answered. would that get me into Heaven?” Again. she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. The boy shook his head and said “No. and after quickly cleaning his plate. and the dog they left behind dies!!!”. then. “Was it the nuns that did it?” the father asked. at the insistence of a family friend. “Noah. Finally. went straight back to his room. “Second..' Six months passed and finally Peter returned. 'Well. “If I cleaned the church every day. his mother opened it and. to her amazement. right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room .” Jewish Maths A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. They asked if they could still be married in Heaven. The Presbyterian Minister said “No. “then how can I get into Heaven?” A five-year-old boy shouted out. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. and loved my husband. closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. this was fun! “Well. we can do this for you.laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. In a recent Round-table Discussion Group the question was asked of the Ministerial Panel. “Mark has only sixteen chapters. The Catholic Priest tried to buffer the obvious argument point and suggested “Perhaps you're both wrong.” “Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?” “No. my neighbours objected. claiming I was violating zoning codes building the Ark in my front yard. I want you all to read Mark 17. “If I sold my house and my car. “You'd better have my Ark completed. as he prepared to deliver his sermon. I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. “In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. I continued. and kept everything neat and tidy. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying. is there a possibility that we could be divorced if the marriage doesn't work out?' To this St Peter answered. After the first day. it's certainly begins at birth”. Every hand went up.” said Noah. Page 103 . of course!”. Hey.Getting to Heaven I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.” Six months passed. trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. let me find out if this is possible. he delivered the specifications for an Ark. “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. and your plans didn't meet the code. “Fourth.with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor.” and in a flash of lightning. I KNEW they meant business!” Life Begins. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis.

Let me assist. and everything is done for me.. my son. the IRS has seized all my assets. the Bishop presiding noticed two Rabbis enter the church just before the mass began. One day. It's the most important person in the world! Gov: Well. was curious as to why they were present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the “brides of Christ. this is state trooper Wilson. the carpenters formed a union and went on strike.” the sky turned pitch black. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Supreme Being. “I really don't think I can finish Your Ark for at least another five years. and broadsides the Rabbi. claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. It's a miracle. so he turned to them and said “So I order an apple . and got sued by an animal rights group.. the odd rabbi out. I started gathering up animals.Jokes had to convince U. he sees a chance to sneak away unnoticed. booming voice intoned. he grabs his cell phone and phones the governor. Where can I take you? Forgive me! Pope: Sit. He announced that he was delighted to see two Rabbis in their midst at the mass but. pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days. I sent them a globe. “Fifth. Naturally. “Rabbi. P: Sit. a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. and a deep. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat and still no owls. “You mean you are not going to destroy the earth?” Noah asked hopefully. Finish your dinner.” Gov: Dammit. events. the earth shook.. He goes out back.. it's not Clinton. rallies. who do you have? The UN Secretary General? I will speak to one of those UN guys. finds his limo. I knew it!” But the other three disagreed. Testicles. I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. “I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!” It was a beautiful. I'll straighten this out. and three were always in accord against the fourth. decided to appeal to a higher authority. Wallet.. and follows each movement with: “Spectacles. Trooper: No.” wailed Noah. I've never driven an automobile. When it came time for some announcements. and as he runs toward the Rabbi. turned to the other three. knocks on the window and finds the driver lounging in the rear seat eating a huge sandwich with his feet up on the seat. “I told you I was right!” cried the rabbi.. For security. “I was just checking.” Rabbi Stern rides his bike down the road. Gov: Who do your have there? Clinton? I will speak to the White House Chief of Staff. and stop signs. my son. I'm the Pope. The Bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began. eating a sandwich and the Pope is his driver! Rabbis Four rabbis had a series of theological arguments. “now it's 3 to 2. Of course. Wilson. The police man gets out of his cruiser. I've just pulled over the most important person in the world for a serious traffic violation but I don't know what to do. but he's sittin' in the back seat of a limo. and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill. sunny day. God!” he cried. I've already told you. eat. “A sign from God! See. The Pope lowers the window. and Watch!” A Jewish Rabbi went into a restaurant. Driver: Your holiness! I'm so sorry.. As the waiter arrived at his table he noticed that the people at the next table were from his synagogue and were staring at him. As Father Flannery reaches the Rabbi. Noah looked up and smiled. “Well?” “So. “No. out of control. Truthfully. They objected to my taking only two of each kind. no.. God. and said.” The eldest of the Rabbi's slowly rose to his feet and explained. man?” “Cross? Aw. lamp posts. but they wouldn't let me catch any owls. “Eighth. a bigger sign!” This time four storm clouds appeared.how am I to know how they'll serve it?” Pope The Pope comes to America. then each shoulder. no!” replied Rabbi Stern.” said the Lord sadly. he's very busy. So no owls. “Oh God. your holiness. majority rules” statement that signified that he had lost again. It rumbled once and dissolved.S. he notices that Rabbi Stern first touches his forehead. Please allow me. Trooper eyes the scene and retreats to his cruiser. The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a very big sign. Trooper: Governor. who the hell did you pull over? Trooper: I have no idea. then his stomach. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer. He is pulled over by a state trooper. Diplomatic immunity is a very sacred thing you know. etc. A short while later the waiter came towards his table carrying a platter on which was a roast pig with an apple in its mouth. One evening at a banquet. the sun began to shine and a rainbow arched across the sky. He saw roast pork on the menu and.” At a mass at which some young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns. when a truck careens around the corner. God. I notice that you crossed yourself after getting up from the accident. after the usual “3 to 1. “Oh. rushed toward each other to form one big cloud. and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of Use Tax. he has the same limo driver daily.” shrugged one of the other rabbis. Just when I got that suit dismissed. dinners.. Driver: certainly. I'd like to take the car for a drive.” “Checking? Checking for what?” Rabbi Stern begins the ritual again. the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain. Trooper: No. “Family of the Groom. “Government already has. his curiosity got the best of him. They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. decided that “just once wouldn't hurt” and so ordered it. The Pope begins to drive. the seventh thing that happened was that EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environment statement on your proposed flood. After hitting several parked cars. Its the most important person in the world. curiosity getting the better of him. approaches the driver's window and knocks. Father Flannery watches this event unfold. “Sixth. must be! Have you seen the light? Do you believe. Page 104 . Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. he kneels and makes the sign of the cross himself. Immediately. The sky began to clear. So please. but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes. but just as he said. “HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!” The rabbi put his hands on his hips. So the rabbi prayed again: “Oh. he is not very good at it as he has never done this before. “Right now I am still trying to resolve the complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire. Masses. I'm right.

He who plays with his toys on Saturday. Page 105 . Church of Scientology -. Amish -. Polytheism -. I have toys. wins. Liberalism -. you will go to hell. Politically Correct Christmas Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”. Republicans -. SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products.Toys are a figment of your imagination.I feel good playing with toys. EIGHT economically-disadvantaged female persons stealing milkproducts from enslaved Bovine-Americans. loses. Evolutionism -.There are many toy makers. Non-denominationalism -. wins.Toy making is killing our Earth Goddess.The toys made themselves. loses. I have toys. and you go straight to hell if we catch you selling yours. Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. and no bad toy players. Confucianism -. you have a oneway ticket to Hell. wins. Hinduism -. wins. heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law) * *Unless.Let me borrow that doll for a second.Send me $100 and I will tell you “How you TOO can have more toys. Presbyterian -.He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals.He who sells the most toys door-to-door.Toys with batteries are surely a sin. Word of Faith -. Judaism -. NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression. I have toys. Name-it-Claim-it -.These toys were chosen for you to play with and these were chosen for me to play.He whose toys make music. wins.Toys are a figment of your imagination. Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.There is only one toy.Let's play with our toys together. Oh. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement. Anglican -. Existentialism -. Catholicism -. Jokes Unitarian Universalism -. wins.He who dies playing with the biggest toys. Branch Davidians -. TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system Leaping.. Baha'i Faith -.We still haven't decided if the toys exist.We have played with this toy this way for years.No. Baha'i Faith -. Four reindeer had vanished. Baptist -. Assembly of God -. Hare Krishna -.If your toy is a Disney product. I have toys. Good Kwanzaa. they were OURS first.He who denies himself the most toys.He who dies with the most toys. loses.Everyone gets the same number of toys.Once a toy is dipped in the water. (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer.The doll is as important as the dump truck. Church of Christ -. SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands. French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. Blessed Yule. without much propriety. you are suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Atheism -. Taoism -.There are no bad toys.They were our toys first.We are the toys.I have toys.It is not possible to know whether toys make a darn bit of difference. Mormonism -.Toys are toys are toys.He who plays with the most toys. don't you. and we are not going to change. If this be the case. FIVE golden symbols of culturally-sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration. Crystal Cathedral -. Southern Baptist -. Voodoo -. ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. Methodist -.) FOUR hours of recorded whale songs THREE deconstructionist poets TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and.We don't care where the toys came from. 7th Day Adventist -. it is no longer dry. Greek Orthodox -. Pentecostalism -.He whose toys can walk. ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note).” Seasonal Christmas 12 Days of Christmas (90s Version) On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically-imposed midwinter festival. Capitalism -.All toys are fine with us.There is no toy maker. let's just play with them. my Significant Other In a Consenting Adult Monogamous Relationship gave to me: TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.Theology of Toys Agnosticism -. please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with the suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day. Communism -. talk and jump..Every boy can have as many toys as he wants. the remaining gift package has been revised. Apostolic Faith (Oneness Movement) -. and it is in our church. And labour conditions at the North Pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.It doesn't matter how you play with the toys as long as more people join in with you.If you don't repeal this tax on all toys. “Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves. Jehovah's Witnesses -. I have toys. wins. That is why I know I am going to heaven Metaphysics -. Witchcraft -.He who buys toys at the lowest price. I have toys. of course. the calling birds.Hang the rule book! Let's play! Hinduism -.

Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. not counting the weight of the sleigh.5 children per house hold. who summered at the Harvard Business School. no football.. dishevelled. However. and you know that looked stupid? The runners had been removed from his sleigh. In conclusion.. Jewish or Buddhist religions. limp to the ground.5 million miles. and should be passé. a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. . and left in a whiz. VI. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --. No known species of reindeer can fly. Everyone.3. since Santa does not visit children of Muslim. a total trip of 75.315. While most of these are insects and germs. So here is that gift. nothing of fur. moves at a poky 27. For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological. packed.7 visits per second. At an average (census) rate of 3. HE'S DEAD NOW. and his wife.500 times greater than gravity.4 miles per second. I. His fur trimmed red suit was called “Unenlightened. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4.26 thousandths of a second. presuming that there is at least one good child in each. another 54. IV. with no indecision. He tried to be merry. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their rooftops. even you. So. Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Hindu. there are some 300.they were bad for the tooth. No baseball.. they would burst into flames almost instantaneously. Even granting that the “flying” reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount. Santa. Were replaced with 4 pigs. this does not completely rule out flying reindeer (which only Santa has ever seen). But you've got to be careful with that word today. we know to be false. This works out to 967. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. someone could get hurt. or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). Something special was needed. we are now talking about 0.Santa would need 360. better off hidden. that comes to 108 million homes.000 tons. Joined a self-help group. eat whatever snacks have been left for him.A. Each group of people. fill the stockings. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14. jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.000 species of living organisms yet to be classified. And fairy tales. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This increases the payload. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo. Demanding from now on her title was Ms. Nothing that might be construed to pollute. is anticipated and should take up the Page 106 SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer's Perspective. assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). He just could not figure out what to do next.this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. every hue. the Ulysses space probe. why. III.” And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows. while not yet forbidden. a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right. thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth. And as for the gifts. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds).3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.. if Santa ever did deliver presents to all the good children on Christmas Eve.000 times the speed of sound.000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance --. everywhere.” Jokes II. not counting bathroom stops or breaks. the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them --. and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific. And nothing for her. half of the reindeer were gone. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer. in front of the nation. meanwhile. exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. get back up the chimney.. In short. Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life. On land. and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship. The ruts were termed dangerous by the E. So Santa just stood there. Nothing to aim. jump down the chimney. 600. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Were like Ken and Barbie. demanding millions in over-due compensation. A gift that would satisfy. His sack was quite empty. Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.000 of them. Which meant nothing for him. playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist. Nothing to shoot. distribute the remaining presents under the tree. hop out. this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total. Santa’s Downsizing Excerpt from Santa's Corporate Newsletter: The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced. would be subjected to centrifugal forces 17. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture. of course. Besides. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4. The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Or just for the boys. Comet and Cupid. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which. not the monarch). perplexed. Nothing for just girls. However. And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. Nothing of leather. but will accept for the purposes of our calculations). he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion.78 miles per household.015 pounds of force. V. For purposes of comparison.And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. every religion. So Dancer and Donner. tried to be gay.P. not counting Santa who is invariably described as overweight. the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons. Every ethnicity. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child. it's priced beyond worth. Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. “May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth. No candy or sweets. the fastest man-made vehicle.

misshapen head. truncated. this milk glass has been completely drained. Mulder. and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one. An analysis is underway to determine whom the birds have been calling. but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. If we can drop ship in one day. Unless I miss my guess. like a bowl full of jelly? Exactly. move in all directions at once? You mean. how often and how long they talked. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive--and in a hurry. Tonight is the Eve. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Should that happen. The positions are therefore eliminated. I've never told anyone this. you're crazy. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavourable press. As a further restructuring. how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. In addition. It gorged itself. Surely you don't believe it? Something was here tonight. The two turtledoves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. Jokes Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-asuing”) action is pending. Lastly. Potato Head! I'm sorry. PA. It fed without remorse. a-mentoring or amulching. But if this thing does exist. It's O. As you know. halls decked with boughs of holly. service levels will be improved. Though incomplete. with a call waiting option. I'll never forget the horror. the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year. Three geese will be let go. I know what I saw. DECEMBER 24TH We're too late! It's already been here. near the winter solstice. everyone loves the French. Impossible. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Scully. Nothing could get down there. There's no sign of forced entry. You really think someone's been here? Someone. animals and other expenses. the following economy measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary: The partridge will be retained. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of TBills and high technology stocks appear to be in order. After all. Its bloated torso was red and white. X(mas) File 57 ELM STREET BETHLEHEM. more competitive steps. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. or something. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement. Page 107 . Mulder.slack with no discernible loss of service. It's making a list. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant. I saw the creature. Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.K. mounted. Mulder--a story told by parents to frighten children.M. Scully. Look. providing considerable savings in maintenance. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress. Management denies. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending. just like the other homes: Douglas fir. 11:51 P.. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. their romance during working hours could not be condoned. fowl. Mechanical swans are on order. The flue is barely six inches wide. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought.] The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system. Once each year. but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. It left crumbs everywhere. Scully. Effective immediately. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people. But that's legend. Calling Rudolph “a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load” was an unfortunate comment. Scully. and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father. with care. Mulder. Scully. transformed into a shrine. it came through the fireplace. There's a note attached: “Gonna find out who's naughty and nice. I hope you know what you're doing. Mulder. but when I was a child my home was visited. the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. in the strongest possible language. Wait a minute. The function is primarily decorative. but from substance abuse. A substitution with a string quartet. over here--it's a fruitcake. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. And look. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. [The three French hens will remain intact. If you're saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney. It brought me a Mr. I turned away. today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better. I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Potato Head.” It's judging them. Scully. it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. And that night it read my mind. stockings hung by the chimney. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. But what if it could alter its shape. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy. and nothing can stop its wilding. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed. But why would they leave it milk and cookies? Appeasement. the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number. this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of antracite. Who? What are you talking about? Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Mulder.

my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons. Soccer Mom Barbie. I crashed through the ceiling floating into the sky With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie. may your pies take the prize May your thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs! Senior Life Harvey and Gladys Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Comes with Ken's house. deflated version of the Hindenberg!" Old Pilots An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. then slip on soft terry mules. Two days ago. The leftovers beckoned . Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. But we have no proof. and. Barbie needs a change. Bunion Barbie. "Dear. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle. I tried counting backwards." Services for Harvey will be held Tuesday morning at 10:30 at the First Methodist Church. 4.. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube. Recovery Barbie.. Hot Flash Barbie. they'll close the X-files. Do you hear what I hear? On the roof. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore. There's too much at stake. 10. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colours (half-frames too!). may your turkey be plump. Tossing and turning in anticipation. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. It's time to ditch Ken.a clatter. my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist. in Washington. May your stuffing be tasty.. Jr. clicking through the channels. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror. So I raced to the kitchen. forgets where she puts things. As a bonus this year. I-Sh-h-h. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.. Divorced Barbie. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie.99. 'Till all of a sudden I rose off the ground. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees Happy eating to all. Good news on the tummy front. “To what do you attribute your good health?” The old timer said. roomier-sleeved gowns. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out. 3. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. I felt myself swelling so plump and so round. Bifocals Barbie. there's nothing wrong with your eyesight. Let's see what's the matter. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. twoMuMus with tummy-support panels are included. and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered. eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo. My face is all wrinkled. At long last..my rear looks like a sad. 6. they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. New Barbie Finally a Barbie I can relate to. 8. the book “Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self” is included. Retail markets will collapse. These are a bit more realistic. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch. see her whiskers grow. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes... It knows when you're awake. But I fought the temptation with all of my might. “I'm a pilot and that's why I'm in such good shape. Last year. It sounds like. neck chain. she comments "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. but I just couldn't sleep. Mulder. taking a long. 1. listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping." Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft. 11. 2. flung open the door. Facial Hair Barbie. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues. D. here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. "You know. As Barbie's hormone levels shift. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Nobody--not even the zookeeper--was told about it. and cries a lot. Flabby Arms Barbie. 5. Scully. Sells for$ 199. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. The thought of a snack became infatuation. The doctor asked. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.the dark meat and white. Officially. The White House ordered a Condition Red.” Page 108 . Well. Post-Menopausal Barbie. Clean and sober. she's going to meetings religiously. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters. along with Prozac. Includes a real tape of “Breaking Up Is Hard to >Do. Scully.. I 'm up well before daylight and out flying up and down the countryside. SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states.C. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke. But that was a meteor shower.Listen to what you're saying. and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. on this exact date. and Ken's boat. Ken's car. thoughtful voice.” 9. from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics. Thanksgiving 'Twas the night of thanksgiving. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken. pass the cranberries please. 7. The truth is up there. hard look at herself. Jokes She turns to face her husband and says. May your yams be delicious.. I tried counting sheep. please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself. Harvey.

and at the end of it. Very bitter if not used well.. they asked.” Thirty minutes had passed. a ceremony is held.” said the mother.Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married.” answered the neighbour. Haven't lost a pound. “What kind is it?” “Twelve thirty.” A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. but I'm sure there's more to it. First one says. “He's 100 yrs old and. “Well. Let's go get a beer. Difficult to find a pure sample.. Due to rust. “Got married!! Why would a 118year-old guy want to get married?” The old timer said. I joined a health club last year. not yet. but it's state of the art. It cost me four thousand dollars. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. and then dies. “Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?” “BECAUSE I forgot where I put him.. At the end of the service. “No. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. he flew next to me this morning in his own airplane. and another relative asked. they asked again. Last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. “You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?” The old timer said. If you are going to try cross-country skiing. How about your Grandfather.” A man was telling his neighbour. especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said. but there's got to be more to it. It's perfect. Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.” Sports Exercise Walking can add minutes to your life. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. I have flabby thighs.. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. “I just bought a new hearing aid. “I guess he went flying with you this morning too?” The old timer said. How old was your dad when he died?” The old timer said.” “Really. “Well. “You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?” The old timer said. “So am I. “May we see the baby now?” “Not yet.but gets bent out of shape easily. “May we see the new baby?” one asked “Not yet. Apparently you have to go there. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month. the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. when CAN we see the baby?” “WHEN HE CRIES!” she told them. “Who said my dad's dead?” The doctor said. “Who said my grandpa's dead?” The doctor said. jarring the casket They hear a faint moan. Usage: Highly ornamental. that's great. Growing very impatient. in fact. Possesses strong affinity to gold. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Highly unstable. Melts whenever treated properly. the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!" The Battle of the Sexes Chemistry Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. platinum. spent about 400 bucks. “Well. “Who said he wanted to?” Jokes “WHEN HE CRIES?” they demanded. its Thursday!” Third one says.50) Physical properties: Solid at room temperature. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. a 65-year-old Woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. “I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first. Here for the first time is a description of their properties. aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.. I'm sure that helps. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. Senior Moments Three old guys are out walking.. “He's 118 yrs old. but fortunately my stomach covers them. isn't it?” Second one says. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years.” replied the mother.” said the mother. he's a pilot!” The doctor said. Element Name: WOMAN Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!) Physical Properties: Generally round in form.” The Doctor said in amazement. “Windy. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home. After another few minutes had elapsed.The doctor said. silver. Violent when left alone. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is. I like long walks. “No. As they carry the casket towards the door. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. That's why he's still alive. the relatives came to visit. how old was he when he died?” The old timer said. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 +/. Once again. “May we see the new baby now?” “No. Chemical properties: Very active. and precious stones. start with a small country. . the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen. Becomes Page 109 Why God Invented Menopause With all the new technology regarding fertility.

startled.” she says.” says Roger. FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship.. And I don't blame him.” IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. and they enjoy themselves. a conflicted. Roger. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. Dictionary of Dating DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money. one evening when they're driving home. “Yes. that means it was. waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse. or isn't sure of. deeply moved. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings.... I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their. sobbing. maybe he has sensed. which means.” says Elaine. A person who is in pain because of my self-centred. “Oh. “Roger.I mean. so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are. Six months. which was right after I had the car at the dealer's. especially if it involves a horse. and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. turns on the TV. and.I need some time.. And then. thinking as fast as he can.. tortured soul.. Elaine. “Maybe I should never have. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space.” Elaine says aloud. moving steadily toward.. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time.. When Roger gets back to his place. Maybe he wants more from our relationship. I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship.let's see. a thought occurs to Elaine. Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic. and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. more commitment. I bet that's it.) “What?” says Roger. but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what. There is a 15-second pause while Roger. “I'm such a fool. Possibly good methane source. I really know that.scumballs. he opens a bag of Doritos. tries to come up with a safe response. He's afraid of being rejected.. To Elaine. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell. I don't care what those morons say. And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty . “That way about time. a person I enjoy being with. “It's just that. Caution: In the absence of WO. it seems like a very loud silence. and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. touches his hand. schoolgirl romantic fantasy. “Thank you. “What?” says Roger. do you really feel that way?” she says.. not necessarily due to the shyness.” Elaine says.” Elaine sobs. “I mean.” says Roger. Page 110 ..” she says. we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?” And then there is silence in the car.. either. Despite being advised to do so. “Yes” Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes. as of tonight. At last she speaks.” he says. time.let me check the odometer. Oh God. that I was feeling some reservations. It's silly. Roger. without really thinking. it's still not shifting right. I feel so. hey. I'm just not sure. too. and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. And Elaine is thinking: But. a person who seems to truly care about me.. And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. “What way?” says Roger. and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. Yes. She thinks to herself: Jeez. where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking: So. when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person. I'd be angry. maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want. I can see it on his face. EYE CONTACT: A method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. “No!” says Roger.. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car. (She breaks down. I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. her eyes beginning to brim with tears. putting him through this. “Please don't torture yourself like this.February when we started going out.explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. They continue to see each other regularly. Differences Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next... “Thank you. glad to finally know the correct answer. she says it aloud: “Do you realise that. a person I truly do care about. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck. many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.. Jokes And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. which is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. and there's no horse” “There's no horse?” says Roger. LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is. “You think I'm a fool. I know there's no knight. more intimacy. don't you?” Elaine says. And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the transmission again. even before I sensed it. SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love. and weeps until dawn. Then he takes her home. and she lies on her bed. Usage: None known. INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man.it's that I. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.. “Oh.. I feel so guilty. but I can't help the way I feel. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner. There's no knight.

Page 111 . exploring every word. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 6. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. He won't be too smart. you don't think it's too fluffy looking? CATHY: Oh no! No. you can have him on one condition. did Elaine ever own a horse?” And that's the difference between men and women. Put card in wallet 33. “Norm.” “Why is that. How to Handle a Husband A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay. Put receipt in checkbook 34. Eve?” “Lord. with many bad traits. and gesture for nuances of meaning. and be vain. frown. and self-admiring. it's perfect. physical needs. Take card and receipt 31. “ explained the man. Shut off engine 4. Drive away from machine 40. I'll create him in such in a way that he will satisfy your ah.. Check balance 14. going over it time and time again. Check makeup 23. in that case. and will like to hunt and kill things. Insert card 8. “What's the catch. he'll give you a hard time.. woman-to-woman!” Drive-up ATMs HIM: 1. Hunt for card in purse 7. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. “What a peaceful & loving couple”. Make out deposit slip 17. cheat. I mean. Endorse checks 18. will pause just before serving. or perhaps two of them. Put keys in purse 5. so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.. LISA: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. Eve calls out to God. “Lord. Take cash. Make deposit 19. Look for envelope 15. In painstaking detail. he'll be proud. The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. He will look silly aroused. he'll be bigger. But. Hit “cancel” 12. LISA: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Pull up to ATM 2. Back up to machine 29. while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's. Check makeup 37. Eve. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts. either. they will analyse everything she said and everything he said. “We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. Put car in gear. Get out of car 30.” “What's a 'man. Make cash withdrawal 21. and say. He'll lie. Get back in car 32. Look for keys 24. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. I have a problem!” “What's the problem. that would look so cute I think. Lord?” “As I said. Get in car 22. STOP 28. So. Insert card 3. look at my arms . I have a solution. it dates back to our honeymoon in America. “Lord. for weeks. Re-enter correct PIN number 13. but I think my face is too wide.. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. arrogant. reverse 38. but since you've being complaining. I am lonely.” says Eve. They will continue to discuss this subject. I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals. Put car in drive 39. Study instructions 20.” “What's that. Meanwhile.. with an ironically raised eyebrow. maybe months. card and receipt HER: 1. Enter PIN number 4. Eve?” came the reply from above. so he'll also need your advice to think properly. Check makeup 26. and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. Jokes One day in the Garden of Eden. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about.” “Well. “Sounds great. never reaching any definite conclusions. Pull up to ATM 2. Start pulling away 27.' Lord?” “This man will be a flawed creature. Lord?” “Yeah. off and on. I'd love to get my hair cut like that. CATHY: Oh. Release parking brake Haircuts WOMENS' VERSION:CATHY: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute! LISA: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror.The next day Elaine will call her closest friend. and that hilarious comedic snake. 11. but never getting bored with it. I mean. faster. but I'm just not happy.. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it 9. MENS' VERSION:PETE: Haircut? DAVE: Yep. And I'm sick to death of apples. Start car 25. expression. Roger. well. I shall create a man for you.. that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Jamaica. “Well. Look in purse for pen 16..it's our secret. Enter PIN number 10. We hadn't gone too far Garden of Eden What really happened in The Garden of Eden: The untold story.see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. Travel 3 miles 41. just remember. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.. all in all.. Everything drapes so well on you. considering every possible ramification.

such as. “That's once. Bob. Men have the courage and inventiveness to try to explain the inexplicable. A man. “It's interesting that you mention that. Once more my wife quietly said. This is why high school romances rarely work out. and then he will come up with something-probably nothing remotely feasible.” he said. Women must remind themselves that if a man tells them something particularly interesting there is a good chance that it is particularly untrue. a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends. how he thinks political autonomy will affect the economies of the Baltic states. this time causing her to drop her water. But Male Answer Syndrome (MAS) is by no means harmless. It appears comic. Later in life women run into the same problem: Men can speak with such conviction that women may be fooled into thinking that they actually know what they're talking about. In reality. and generally try to appear more impressive than they really are. “That's once. on the other hand. If you ask a woman. Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??” She looked at me. The compulsion to answer varies from person to person. and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots”.” We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time.” Pauline repeated this information in a geography lesson and found herself the laughing stock of the class.. these classes rarely prove effective.. and I'll never forgive you. boys begin to speak with authority on matters of foreign policy at the same time they start to grow facial hair. but few men are happy saying. air a few prejudices. we have lived happily ever after. at 3:00 a. and I hate you. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. men do not decorate their penmanship. “Do I know anything about this subject?” or “Is what I have to say interesting?” They take a broad view of questions. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need. Except me Male Answer Syndrome In the animal kingdom. “Why did Madonna go on the David Letterman Show?” she will simply shrug helplessly.. HANDWRITING To their credit. “That's not what's important here. and since shirts open to the navel are not appropriate in every social situation. “Are you sure about that?” as a vicious slur on their manhood and find themselves backing up a ludicrous assertion with spurious facts. “What is the capital of Peru?” they hear. Women use scented. and 99% of all men have made one at least once. treating them less as requests for specific pieces of information than as invitations to expand on some theories. on a Saturday night.” Sometimes this expansiveness is appealing. in male company.” he will begin. Women Are From Venus RELATIONSHIPS When a relationship ends. and tell a couple of jokes. It has been discovered that display behavior is much more common among humans than had been previously believed. he will call and say. “So tell us a bit about your early years.. males exhibit what is known as “display behavior” in order to attract females and to ward off rival males. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said. say. he is an expert at only one thing: making very little knowledge go a very long way. alas.the chronic answering of questions regardless of actual knowledge is known as Male Answer Syndrome. “What's wrong with you.m. There is in the female correlative condition known as the Say What? Complex. too.” “And from that moment.” They prefer. And how MAS developed: Since killing wooly mammoths and attacking enemies with rocks are now frowned upon. coloured stationary and they dot their “i's” with circles and hearts. Women who behind closed doors expound eloquently on particle physics may be found. or Vanilla Ice's haircut. ruffle their plumage. he will purse his lips thoughtfully. and not knowing what he's talking about just adds to the thrill. acknowledging that some things are simply unknowable. Even mildmannered Abe Lincoln types may react to. I shouted at her. “No. men prove their masculinity by concocting elaborate theories about football.when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. but something.. She had found that eating ice cream made her teeth hurt and asked her father whether Eskimos had the same problem. My friend Jeff (he of the Harley) is full of expertise on subjects as diverse as global warming and Elvis' current whereabouts. who spends his weekends fixing up his Harley and watching female mud wrestling. Even when she's dumping you. That was how she learned that a man.” They try not to get bogged down by petty considerations. COMEDY Page 112 . His brow will furrow.” This is known as the “I Hate You / I Love You” drunken phone call. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Men Are From Mars. this is comic. would rather make up an answer than admit to his ignorance. They just chicken-scratch. Have you ever wondered why: * Men who have never been west of Kentucky can tell you about the mentality of the Japanese? * Men who can't pay their credit-card bills have a plan for dealing with the national debt? * Men who aren't on speaking terms with their families know how to achieve peace in the Middle East? * Men who flunked high-school physics can explain what went wrong at NASA? * Men who haven't had a date in six months know what women really want? Try an experiment: Ask my friend Jeff. even if he is your own father. On nature shows. as my friend Pauline discovered at the age of 8. But care should be taken. This behavior . “I don't know. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. They thrust out their chests. and quietly said. Growing awareness of MAS has led some to call for a moratorium on all male-female conversation. This is alarmist. “That's twice. Six months after the break-up. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. when it shows up among humans: the guy in the Camaro with all the gold chains. Some men seem to regard life as a talk show on which they are the star guest. MATURITY Women mature much faster than men. For him answering is a game. will come up with a few theories (she has the same agent? overdose of Prozac).” “We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. however.” Jokes “They have rubber teeth. gaping at the news that the earth is round. Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p's” and “g's”. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Then she will get on with her life. MAS tends to be mild until puberty. Many women actively encourage male answering behavior. If you ask. she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us. Expressing skepticism can be highly inflammatory. “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life.

as soon as she finds her earrings. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. As they get older. Men use garages for many things. before he will do his laundry. she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. and goes shopping for a Porsche. rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. watching television. and biological changes. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment. and even try to imitate the actions of Curly. but reversed. a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit.he buys aviator glasses. and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom -. razor. SHOES When preparing for work. and upon returning home.. she goes through a variety of complicated emotional. then slip on Reebok sneakers. that have pictures of clouds. American Style. I recognise that 7-11. Immediately. Car phones. Mike. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of “Love. man's favourite Stooge. empty the garbage. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. TOYS Little girls love to play with toys. “Looks like I've found a new way to get there.. Socks that are cut way below the Jokes ankles. store windows.” WEDDINGS When reminiscing about weddings. they will check themselves out in a mirror. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter. water the plants. OFFSPRING Ah. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. When the girls get their check. and build dark rooms and take photography classes. GROCERIES A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. Men will never stop and ask for directions. psychological. Five minutes later. Complicated juicers and blenders. it means he is ready to go out. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Of course. Men talk about “the bachelor party”. including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago. Women think he is a mean. MENOPAUSE When a woman reaches menopause. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns. she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. When a woman gets to work. and requires at least 6 “D” batteries to operate.” and. answer the phone. Graphic equalizers. and none will actually admit they want change back. Then he goes grocery shopping. Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills. their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. None of them will have anything smaller. When he is finally out of clothes. Of course. Women are ridiculous. Men will drive in a circle for hours. she will put on her dress shoes. they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors. DAVID LETTERMAN Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. CAMERAS Men take photography very seriously. a bar of Dial soap. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. Same reason. they will laugh uproariously. he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out. GARAGES Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. the men will get very excited. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. EATING OUT When the check comes.50. this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Anything that blinks. DIRECTIONS If a woman is out driving. Dave. MADONNA Same as above. semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to: go shopping. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer. and a towel from the Holiday Inn. and they build useless lopsided benches in garages. even though it's only for $22. shaving cream. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.” ADMITTING MISTAKES Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. They wear standard white sweat socks. RICHARD GERE Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. all the while saying things like. THE TELEPHONE Men see the telephone as a communication tool. SOCKS Men wear sensible socks. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. “I know I'm in the general neighbourhood.. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. they watch TV in garages.a toothbrush. LAUNDRY Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. children. it means she WILL be ready to go out. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. read a book. A woman knows all about her children.Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room. beeps. MOVIES Page 113 . and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. He buys everything that looks good. women always end up taking better pictures. that have a big fuzzy ball on the back. Video games. finishes putting on her makeup. Women wear strange socks. GOING OUT When a man says he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out. spoons. They hang license plates in garages. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. women talk about “the ceremony”. a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves. they lose interest. MIRRORS Men are vain. out come the pocket calculators. get the mail.

write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob. drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. 41) Lower car from jack stands. 28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug. open another beer and drink it. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle. 6) In frustration.g. 18) Next day. wasn't it?” “Yeah. dump in hole in back yard. Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands. 17) Buddy shows up.350. 37) Beer. great movie. e. this isn't good enough.” “Mmhmm.00 for oil. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 45) Test drive car. 26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. “For Women Only”.” Still. Men on a boys' night out say about twenty words all night. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. a very attractive guy. The bouncer. 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. “That was a good restaurant last night. nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.” Pause. Money spent: $50. and so. 3) Open a beer and drink it. drank it all yesterday. 44) Beer. explains to them how it works. 12) Clean up mess. This is another reason why men hate him. 43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. CONVERSATION Men need a good disagreement to get talking. buy beer..000. Page 114 . “We have 5 floors. and once you find what you are looking for. Go up floor by floor. No. 48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard. “Wow. 39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. JEWELRY Women look nice when they wear jewellery. 7) Place drain pan under engine.” Pause. along with drain plug. Money spent: $20. 36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process. Finish oil change tomorrow. they continued on up. Women. Women use restrooms as social lounges.” So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain. Jokes 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 2) Drink a cup of coffee.” They still want to do better. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. 40) Beer.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside. 31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. so the friends continue on up. 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere.Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. Men in restrooms will never speak a word to each other. hand cleaner and a scented tree. FRIENDS Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. filter. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 3) 15 minutes later.”. maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys”. most of which are “Pass the Doritos” or “Got any more beer?” RESTROOMS Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. 38) Beer. finish case of beer with him.”. etc.00 replacement set of jack stands: (hey the colors have to match!!!!) $1. 10) Unscrew drain plug. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain. 42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands. 24) Remember drain plug from step 11. 15) Give up. try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable “That garden by the roadside looks lovely. 32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.00 Bail $200. 30) Drink beer. 33) Begin cussing fit. not having this problem. kitty litter. “Well. 27) Drink beer. On the fourth floor. the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome. And so on. you can stay there. knowing there are still two floors left. 34) Throw wrench. Oil Change “Oil Change Instructions For Women” 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change. 20) Beer.00 for oil change $1. 16) Beer. 47) Car gets impounded. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.00 “Oil Change Instructions For Men” 1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50. 14) Look for oil filter wrench. 2) Discover that the used oil container is full. 21) Walk to 7-11. The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome. 46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off. 4) Jack car up. “What are you. 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 35) Beer.00 Total Pleasing Women A group of women are out for drinks when they see a sign outside a club that reads.00 parts $25. they decide to go in.00 beer $75.00 Impound and towing fee $1.00 for coffee Total = $21.

God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink 12. lacks backbone. 12.” He left it where he knew she would find it. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm. If Rule 6 applies. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to run Out of Toilet Paper! 14.” Training Courses for Men 1. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the electronics Came In 11. The Rules are subject to change without prior notification. The male must be ready at all times. 5. 16. The male is expected to mind read at all times. The male must never change his mind without the expressed written consent of the female. 6.Jokes Wondering what they are missing. unless the female wants him to be angry or upset. God knew that if the world was to be populated. 18. “It is 5:00 AM. all The Rules are null and void. If the female is wrong. The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware 17. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill 15. 9. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore! 9. The Petrol Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty 26. the man realized that the next day. 3. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime 28. 15. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead 5. The female has every right to be angry and upset at any time. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed 24. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut 19. The next morning.” The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. they head on up to the fifth floor. 10. Wake up. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago. No male can possibly know all The Rules. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them 27. “It is not good for man to be alone!” When God finished the creation of Adam. he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him. 7. 2. Suddenly. The paper said. 11.” Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding. looked things over. If the female has PMS. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference! 6. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It The Rules 1. Keeping it in the Refrigerator won't Bring It Back 8. No. 4. it is due to a misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did or said wrong. The female always makes The Rules. 17. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty. “I Don't Know”: Be the First Man to Say It! 25. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels! 13. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset. (Men don't want to see what's on television. If the female suspects the male knows all The Rules. Page 115 . he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. The female is ready when she is ready. “I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!”: Why Women Laugh 22. Yours. As “Keeper of the Garden. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding 4. The female may change her mind at any time. “I can do better than this. she must immediately change some or all of The Rules. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop 2.” Adam would never remember where he put his tools. You Can Throw It Away 7. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts 16. The male who does not abide by The Rules cannot take the heat. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge 3. the man woke up. 13. “Please wake me at 5:00 AM. As the Bible says. Furious. they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!) God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. Reasons God Created Eve God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions. and is a wimp. when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall under the “Action/Adventure” Category 20. The female is never wrong. he wrote on a piece of paper. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE). Mine. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet 23. 14. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel! 18. He stepped back. men would never be able to handle childbearing. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In 10. only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. The male must remain calm at all times. and said. 8. and Ours: Sharing the Remote 21. There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here.

'oh alright. “I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was. To know what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment. You know stuff about tanks.strong.” The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. You can be President. 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking.. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. maybe decades. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.but you could still use them. You can never be pregnant.” The genie replies “You want that bridge with two lanes or four?” Women's Compact Instruction Book Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. Wrinkles add character.95 for a three-pack. Never let your man's mind wander -. The same hairstyle lasts for years. you're just practicing.unless he's in diapers. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.they just have different faces so you can tell them apart. so you released me from the lamp blah blah blah. Your underwear is $8. I'll stay the night”. Think of the logistics of that.. Your belly usually hides your big hips. a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.. Same work. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You only get one wish. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. “You may be. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. blister. To know what they want when they say 'nothing'. If someone forgets to invite you. but this is the fourth time this week and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. Tux rental-$100.” The man sat and thought about it for a while and said. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. why would I want someone like you?' Dennis Miller Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the Page 116 . Wedding plans take care of themselves. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete. The world is your urinal.Why Are Men Happier Why ARE Men Happier? Men Are Just Happier People-.so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. it means you laugh at his. When he asks you if he's your first tell him. Definition of a bachelor.. The genie said. 'I should hope not! If I don't want you. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25minutes.it's too little to be let out alone. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. He said. “OK.they'd be wrong -. Go for younger men.How much steel !!!! No think of another wish. You might as well -. Chocolate is just another snack. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes. Wedding dress $5000. Thoughts to Ponder Quotable Quotes Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car. or mangle your feet. Everything on your face stays its original color. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. loving -. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there?” The genie laughed and replied. Women don't make fools of men -. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. “That's impossible. Car mechanics tell you the truth. My wives have always said I don't care and that I'm insensitive.most of them are the do-ityourself types. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.they never mature anyway. So you can forget about three. You almost never have strap problems in public.you have a pulse. The garage is all yours. So many men -. If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital. New shoes don't cut. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. If they put a man on the moon -. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Don't imagine you can change a man -. all men are created equal.. but marriage is a real eye-opener. To know why they are crying.Why can't we put them all there? Tell him you're not his type -. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay. more pay. You can open all your own jars. You can play with toys all your life. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Love is blind. he or she can still be your friend. If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no. I wish that I could understand women. The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a 'former boyfriend”. There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men-. Sadly. Women Or Bridges A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled across an old lamp. One mood all the time. “I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm too scared to fly and I get very seasick. Men are all the same -. No wonder men are happier! Jokes “I've been married and divorced four times. caring. You only have to shave your face and neck. you look familiar”. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

life is the other way around David Lodge You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. Mark it “Closed for remodeling. the guy in back of me. 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. You get past me.window. I replied in a psychotic tone. I see things as they never were and say “Why not?” George Bernard Shaw “I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. When I go out. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Elayne Boosler Jokes Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. they should give you two weeks' notice. Doug Larson Page 117 . If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?” Warren Hutcherson Your body is the baggage you must carry through life. I've got the toe clippers right here.” Sue Murphy “The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.” Jack Mayberry “Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. If people concentrate on the really important things in life. Pretty impressive. The more excess baggage. Whitney Brown Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. but no mention is made of births by the same cause P. then it's you. and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day! The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing.” Bob Ettinger “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. Now I'll have to kill you too.K. Max Kauffmann Most of God's troubles with labourers in his vineyard can be traced to absenteeism The Protestant Voice “I always said I wanted to be somebody.'“ Jerry Seinfeld I have six locks on my door all in a row.” A. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married.” David Letterman Some people are like Slinkies . 'Mom.'“ Paula Poundstone “Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.” Lily Tomlin “Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. Think of your three best friends. That may be. Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Frank Clark Obituary notices often state death as being a result of an accident. I lock every other one. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache. There should be severance pay.” Jeff Stilson “USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. someone else does. Arnold Glasow The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place. let's go... “The Swiss have an interesting army. I said. And by then it was too late. Corkscrews. but to like what you do American proverb Eat a live toad first thing in the morning.” Jake Johansen The secret of life is not to do what you like. Not really good for anything. Shaw We live in a mixed-up world. 'Come on. they should have to find you a temp. the shorter the trip. It's not hard to tell we was poor when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline. Five hundred years without a war. there'd be a shortage of fishing rods. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it.” Jerry Seinfeld Some men see thing as they are and say “Why?”. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. he's got a spoon. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. Monta Crane “Relationships are hard.” Conan O'Brien I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell . Back off. a pretty violent image there. It's frustrating when you know all the answers.you see I have friends in both places Mark Twain There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. buddy. It's like a full-time job. and before they leave you. But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs. At least they can find Kuwait. but I should have been more specific. Also pretty lucky for them. For example. George Lindsey The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother Theodore Hesburgh “I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. If they are okay. Bottle openers. Johnny Carson We've put more effort into helping folks reach old age than into helping them enjoy it.” **caution .** “My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.leave air holes. they weren't trying to teach you how to swim. Now a car is the necessity and walking is the luxury. but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Steve Bluestone “A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. they are always locking three.” Rita Mae Brown “In elementary school. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks. a bank robbery has just taken place. in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. and we should treat it like one.

. Atheist: A man who believes himself an accident Francis Thompson Talk is cheap . Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. you just don't have all the facts. Only a fool tests the depth of the water with both feet. I need all the preservatives I can get. she started walking five miles a day when she was 60.. Budget: Telling your money where to go instead of wondering where it went C. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. It leaves your groin unprotected.Jokes The networks are certainly great places to meet men. Just when I was getting used to yesterday. Dave Edison If you can remain calm. chances are you won't either. sometimes it leaves completely. Shaw I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. and my body fell apart. like the outlook for women in Alaska.K. Ellen DeGeneres A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms. Orben's Current Comedy The older you get. Ellen DeGeneres The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere.which means “young jackass” Cyril Pearl Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per cent perspiration Thomas A. William Allen White I try to take one day at a time. and let the air out of their tires. the tougher it is to lose weight. Prejudice is the child of ignorance William Hazlitt Only one Australian city has an Aboriginal name Canberra. The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. with their emphasis on speed. Red Buttons All the things I really like to do are either immoral. the odds are good...P. but I have photographs of her. but sometimes several days hit me all at once. My grandmother. I think my mother is attractive.. “If your parents never had children. The more you complain. There you go. Koch I finally got my head together. then the laws are most multiplied Tacitus Page 118 .P.G. But. Clifford Stoll on dating via the Internet You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there A period of living it up is usually followed by a period of living it down P. I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.E. Families are like fudge. There are several guys on-line for every woman. Car manufacturers. Mae West Better to ask a question than to remain ignorant forever W. Franklin Jones The best contraception an accountant can use is his personality Anonymous Laughing helps. African Proverb Never raise your hands to your kids. Sometimes I think I understand everything. the longer God lets you live. Right now I am so far behind. Shaw Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them. Alexander Woolcott Early in life I noticed that no event is correctly reported in a newspaper George Orwell One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria. you grow old because you stop laughing. I will live forever. Only the mediocre are always at their best Jean Giraudoux Age doesn't always bring wisdom. to forgive. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. then I regain consciousness. Abraham Lincoln Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day.a well filled wallet W. A man convinced against his will Is of the same opinion still Butler Some people are so afraid of dying the never begin living W.unless you hire a lawyer Wayne Mackey Insanity is my only means of relaxation. but the goods are odd. for I have seen yesterday and I love today. I am not afraid of tomorrow. Hoover Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle Bob Hope When the state is most corrupt. infrequent.K. Edison You don't stop laughing because you grow old.G. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. My mind not only wanders. Most parents would agree that the best part of their children's lives was the drawing board stage P. It's like jogging on the inside. mostly sweet with a few nuts.G. Roger Simon You have to stay in shape. someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. Diplomacy: the patriotic art of lying for one's country Ambrose Bierce Forgive your enemies. illegal or fattening.P. Sometimes age comes alone.” Dick Cavett I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. along came today. To err is human. Forget the health food. but never forget their names Edward I. An excellent survival kit . Growing old is mandatory. should remember that corpses can't buy one W. growing up is optional.P.G. because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

.and then the nagging starts: “I wanna know your name. George Gobel Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose. I have an existential map. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree. I lie down till the thought goes away. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.. Honesty may be the best policy. when it's made out of BEEF? Why does SOUR CREAM have an Expiration date? Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery? What would a chair look like. It has 'You are here' written all over it. Where would you put it? George Carlin: As a matter of principle. Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates. You never see a woman marrying a dumb man for his shape W.P. your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.' You can't have everything. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. William Coronel Jokes Steven Wright: There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. When I pointed it out to my roommate.. but that a PART of hell will break loose. Anybody going slower than you is an idiot. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die. but you must eat it with naked fat people. You're allowed to eat anything you want.” Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars. but I wouldn't want to paint it. Sue Kolinsky I have a great diet. Thomas Fuller I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own. By the second day you're off it. HOWELL have so many clothes? Why is it called a HAMBURGER. no pain.. he said. I got a full house and four people died. What's another word for Thesaurus? When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me.. “I'd like some fries. should you use a silencer? It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is..I'm not into working out.” Mike Binder Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. “Hmmm. Carol Leifer Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber. 'Do I know you?' Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. So I grew hair under my arms instead. and he'll believe you. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. He was using a dotted line. 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No. Every time I think about exercise. It's a small world. Jackie Gleason I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said.. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. Have you ever noticed. Tomorrow is the day on which lazy people have the most to do. Well. We shall never have friends. “Would you like some fries with that?” Jay Leno I date this girl for two years -. eat a whole box of Ex-Lax. if your knees bent the other way? IF “Con” is the Opposite of “Pro”. but they weren't included. There's no present. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. I never attend the first annual anything. Rita Rudner I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. Ed Bluestone The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire. I made a few mistakes. so both of them together is certain death. something is wrong.. My philosophy: No pain. do they? Things that make you go. I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. by elimination. I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. Pearl Williams If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. With every civil right there has to be a corresponding civil obligation Edison Haines Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due. with widely scattered light by morning.P.. it's always room temperature. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. Norwegian proverb Blessed are those who hunger and thirst. dishonesty is the second-best policy. If you shoot at mimes. Continued dark overnight.G.P. The way to bring up a child is to start at the bottom W. what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us. Tell him a bench has wet paint.. it'll be much harder to detect.” The girl at the counter said. How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest.. He caught every other fish. but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? If it was only a 3 hour cruise. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.G. and he has to touch it. for they are sticking to their diets. if we expect to find them without fault.G. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? John Mendoza Fanatic: one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject Winston Churchill One way a man can make his wife listen is to talk to another woman W. and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? Weather forcast for tonight: dark. Stephen Leacock You have a cough? Go home tonight. not the toy. I bought some batteries.. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. but it's important to remember that apparently..then what is the opposite of PROGRESS? Page 119 . why did MRS. Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards.

. You know when people see a cat's litter box. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. then it dawned on me. do I get a flush and a half You keep honking. No. aren't we clean when we use them? Why do we put SUITS in a Garment Bag.. so what's the speed of dark? All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Perhaps toothpicks? Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.. so I made your horn louder.. I'm reloading . it's for company.. Oh. but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Why do we wait until a PIG is dead. I poured Spot remover on my dog. A Good Doctor. so good. if SPONGES didn't grow in it. Some don't have film.. I think you should write.but DISH WASHING LIQUID contains real lemons... I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac. If you jogged backward. If Barbie is so popular.would you gain weight. charged with battery. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. have you got a cat? Just once I wanted to say. When I'm not in my right mind. The early bird gets the worm. I intend to live forever . but the second mouse gets the cheese. they were cramming for their finals. they always say. How much deeper would the ocean be. why do you have to buy her friends? Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. Just look at Henry Ford. and put Garments in a Suitcase? Why doesn't GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle.. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. 24 hours in a day.. Why do we wash BATH TOWELS. A lady friend of mine told me that at our age she has found that going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of her face.Jokes Why is LEMON JUICE mostly artificial ingredients. my left mind gets pretty crowded.. Everyone has a photographic memory. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! If you choke a smurf.. coincidence? Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.. Page 120 How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour. write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? I thought about being rich and it don't mean so much. Now he's gone. If I press the half and full flush on a toilet at the same time. especially in a good gravy. what colour does it turn? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Energizer Bunny arrested... Eagles may soar. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as “4's” Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “S” in it? I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do.. I couldn't repair your brakes. I love defenceless animals.so far. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. OK. 24 beers in a case. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. to “CURE” it.

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