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Original
Many countrys demonstrate pride in there heritage by celebrating the national public holiday. A day such as Australia Day can improve feelings of patriotality towards ones country as well as count towards the basic right of taking a public holiday. Firstly, celebrating a countrys national day make the citizens feel proud of their countrys historical milestones and national achievements. For example, a national day might commemorate the countrys independence from a tyrannical power, such as frances Bastille Day (14 July) or Americas Independence Day (4 July). Moreover, its a time for all citizens to participate in celebrations and feel solidarity with their countrys founders and fraternity about their fellow citizens. Secondly, a national day can also contribute to the countrys quota of public holidays. All workers should have entitled to a certain number of paid holidays per year and what better way to achieve this than to celebrate a national holiday? A public celebration can be enjoyed by all, including new and existing citizen. However, some national holiday celebrations may incite over-the-top feelings of national pride who can turn to xenophobia at the drop of a hat. This has been demonstrated throught recent Australia Day violences which has sadly marred this holiday. Although it is true that large public gatherings can sometimes quickly turn to violence, with more structured celebrations and a higher police presence this can be avoided. Overall, celebrating it which encourages national pride and feelings of companionship towards friends, neighbours, and co-workers is a good idea but care must taken that it does not exacerbate racist attitudes.

Grade
TR 9 CC 9 LR 7 GRA 7

Overall = 8

Example of Essay Correction by www.YES-IELTS.com


Corrected
Many countries demonstrate pride in their heritage by celebrating a national public holiday. A day such as Australia Day can improve feelings of patriotism towards ones country as well as count towards the basic right of taking a public holiday. Firstly, celebrating a countrys national day make the citizens feel proud of their countrys historical milestones and national achievements. For example, a national day might commemorate the countrys independence from a tyrannical power, such as Frances Bastille Day (14 July) or Americas Independence Day (4 July). Moreover, it is a time for all citizens to participate in celebrations and feel solidarity with their countrys founders and fraternity towards their fellow citizens. Secondly, a national day can also contribute to the countrys quota of public holidays. All workers should be entitled to a certain number of paid holidays per year and what better way to achieve this than to celebrate a national holiday? A public celebration can be enjoyed by all, including new and established citizens. However, some national holiday celebrations may incite over-the-top feelings of national pride which can turn to xenophobia at the drop of a hat. This has been demonstrated through recent Australia Day violence which has sadly marred this holiday. Although it is true that large public gatherings can sometimes quickly turn to violence, with more structured celebrations and a higher police presence this can be avoided. Overall, celebrating a public holiday which encourages national pride and feelings of companionship towards friends, neighbours, and co-workers is a good idea but care must be taken that it does not exacerbate racist attitudes.
Tish Kirkland 13/1/12 8:09 AM Comment: Thisisanexcellentrefutation paragraph;welldone! Tish Kirkland 13/1/12 8:05 AM Comment: itisnotclear.Startthe paragraphwithanoun,notapronoun. Tish Kirkland 13/1/12 8:04 AM Deleted: s Tish Kirkland 13/1/12 8:12 AM Comment: existingisgood;established isbetter. Tish Kirkland 13/1/12 8:06 AM Comment: Contractionssuchasitsare tooinformal. Tish Kirkland 13/1/12 8:06 AM Comment: Makesureyourspellingof pluralsiscorrect.

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