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S.D. Mean: Saving Your Relationship from the Irritable Male Syndrome on Scribd at: http://tinyurl. but I went straight for the red Keds. but supported my assertiveness and I walked out of the store wearing my first boy shoes. I still remember going to the store with my mother to get my first “boy shoes.menalive. The shoe store was alive with color and choices. Couple’s try new positions and look for “sexy” things to wear. And learn the dance of creative connection.htm Jed Diamond. He offers counseling to men. and around the world. I did know that Red Keds were the finest things I had ever seen.com/mrmean. Mr. hence the term “sneakers.com/MrMeanBook or get a “hard copy” by going to http://www. I could understand that they had sold out all the Red Keds in my size. “I want the Red Keds. But to really have a great sex life you have to know the secrets of what it means to be male and female. not red. Everyone wants a great sex life. They try to improve their communication and relationship skills. and The Irritable Male Syndrome. the salesman went into the back to bring out the shoes. has been a marriage and family counselor for the last 44 years. being a little boy. To receive a Free E-book on Men’s Health and a free subscription to Jed’s e-newsletter go to www. Rubber company (known today as Uniroyal) in 1916 or that they were the first shoe to be made with soft rubber soles that enabled the wearer to quietly sneak up on people. including Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places. When he opened the box. But it made no sense to me when the salesman said to my mother. “He’ll want the blue of course. women. After measuring my feet. Male Menopause. .” I had outgrown my white baby shoes and was excited to be moving into the gendered world of males and females (though I had no conscious thoughts in my 4 year-old mind at the time). I was shocked and disappointed to see that they were blue.S. write Jed@MenAlive.com. and couples in his office in California or by phone with people throughout the U.” I told him. Ph.com. I didn’t know that Keds were first manufactured by the U.” I didn’t wait for my mother’s response. He is the author of 8 books. but few people know how to achieve it and even fewer know how to maintain it in a long-term relationship. If you are looking for an expert counselor to help with relationship issues. My mother shrugged.MenAlive.Red Hot Sex: 8 Little Known Secrets For A Lifetime of Passion and Love Read Jed’s new book.

not individuals. There are a lot of women taller than me (including me wife. chapter 5. By then. I once again rebelled. When I got my first bicycle and was told the “boy bikes” had a bar across and the “girl” bikes didn’t. Carlin. that don’t go with the way men or women tend to be. tells us about "the generations of Adam": Adam begat Seth. we’d all agree that “men are taller and stronger than women. I did get teased for my red shoes and for riding my bike and I learned to stand up for my own male essence.” We understand that we’re talking about averages. It was obvious to me that bouncing off the seat onto a hard metal bar was not good for my boy parts and I would be much safer having a bike with a scoop in front. Seth begat Enosh. But we all need to remember that we’re talking about group differences. was a 100% male color. As a woman you may find yourself with qualities that are more often associated with males. I am stronger than her. but there are many women stronger than I am. We need to stand up for our own male and female essence. At 5 feet 5 inches tall. Translated into modern genetic terms. including all variations including purple and pink. Enosh begat Kenan. what the salesmen of the world tell us about the essence of gender is not to be trusted. down to Noah of the flood. not individual differences. I was well aware that boys had vulnerable sex parts that hung down in front and that riding a bike could be a dangerous activity (particularly when learning). there will be some men who have qualities more commonly associated with women. the account could read "Adam passed a ..Note: I’m going to talk about “males” and “females” and how our differences (and similarities) need to be understood in order to have a great sex and love life. We are not unisex beings no matter how politically correct we try and be. and of course. But there’s always a significant percentage of males and females.. My 4 year-old brain knew he was 100% male and that red. So please keep that in mind as we explore the secrets of great sex! Sex Secret #1: The Market Place Is a Bad Place for Sex Education There are “boy” things and “girl” things. For instance. Sex Secret #2: Y Are Males So Insecure? Genesis. I’m more than aware that not all men are taller than all women. Most of you will recognize the sex differences I will describe. by about an inch). However.

Enosh passed a copy of his Y chromosome to Kenan". In 22 pairs.. As a result males suffer more genetic problems than females such as color blindness and muscular dystrophy. So do male newborns. the other from the father. and so on until Noah was born carrying a copy of Adam's Y chromosome. fish." two very dissimilar chromosomes. However. breast or beard. So do old men. From the moment of conception males are more fragile and vulnerable than females. human males have one while females have none. males are the ones who produce lots of small gametes (sex cells) and females are the ones who produce a smaller number of larger gametes. red shoes or blue shoes. possess a nucleus which contains the genetic material (DNA) arranged into 46 chromosomes. Knowing that truth can go a long way to helping us all understand males better. rather than vice versa.copy of his Y chromosome to Seth. or human beings. female insecurity). Eggs Are From Females Although there is a lot of talk these days about what it means to be a man (less talk about what it means to be a woman. Why are males so insecure? Because we exist in bodies that are inherently less stable than those of females. . It is these chromosome differences which determine sex. it is the type of gamete—egg or sperm—an individual produces. And better understanding leads to better sex. rather than penis or vagina.. biologists have a very clear and specific definition. While in females this pair has two like chromosomes called "X. So do male adults. The 23rd pair is different. The Y chromosome is paternally inherited. both members are essentially identical. color or costume. Since it’s easier to move the small gametes to the large ones. one deriving from the individual's mother. So do male infants. that determines the difference between maleness and femaleness. Ultimately. themselves grouped into 23 pairs. the bad news is that the Y is very short compared to the X with which it is paired. Whether they are studying ferns. All human cells. That’s the good news about the Y chromosome. Seth passed a copy of his Y chromosome to Enosh. Nature has worked it out for the small gametes to fuse with the large gametes to begin the process of creating the next generation of ferns. If we didn’t have it we would all be females. which says something about basic male vs. So do male adolescents. it is the sperm that do the swimming to seek out the egg that awaits the winner. fish. other than mature red blood cells." in males it comprises one "X" and one "Y. but the truth is that we are forever trying to make up for our inherent vulnerabilities. or human beings. Sex Secret #3: Sperm Are From Males. Male fetuses die more often than female. Males may act strong and puff out our chests to make us appear bigger than we are.

000 sperm per day.How big are eggs compared to sperm? Although the human egg is microscopic. Again think of things through the eyes of the other.000. pregnancy. breast feeding. Compared to this males have little to do with the actual business of reproduction. Biologically speaking sperm (and the males who make them) are always in competition. What’s the numbers ratio of eggs to sperm? A woman ovulates about 400 eggs in her lifetime. she will always be the center of attention. it is large enough to house 250. Females Are Wily Choosers. and always a bit worried about their status. A healthy male produces 500. but never sure that once she chooses the “right” one. always feel worried about being top dog or the best on the block. you’re small and outnumbered by millions of sperm all competing to mate with a precious egg (You also have to worry about some other man’s sperm who may also be competing for a chance to win the sexual lottery and “bond. Think building a placenta. There is evidence that the egg can actually tell which sperm would make the best choice before she opens up to let him in. beyond producing sperm packaged in seminal fluid. near-naked sperm. we don’t invest much in the small little sperms.000 sperm. Females produce costly. nutrient-rich eggs and males produce cheap. Likewise all female mammals. The egg/sperm gender difference is obvious. . Think for a moment about how the world looks from a sperm’s and egg’s perspective. including women. Talking about this and working out our values and actions are part of what will make sex and love wonderful or a source of tension and worry.” On the other hand the egg. If you’re a sperm. This relates to male and female behavior. to increase the chances of finding a large one. Eggs (and the females who make them) are always being sought after. birthing. Sex Secret #4: Males Are Roving Inseminators. Eggs weigh 85. is precious and bountiful and just waits for the potential sperm swimmers to come knocking. Compared to what is invested in making great big eggs.000 times as much as sperm. and rearing. invest enormous resources in their offspring after fertilization occurs. The male strategy is to produce as many gametes as possible. but its implications can help us better understand why we do what we do and how to have a better sex and love life.

something for which the sex that invests less. and a willingness to commit his resources to her. Trivers called the males of our species “roving inseminators.” In most cases. If you all pretended you were males and I asked you how many children you could produce in a year. hyperactive sperm. A lot fewer. compete among themselves for access to females. One of the things I hear over and over in my counseling practice is a woman saying. resources to support her and her child. Women Prefer One at a Time. “How could he really love me and become interested in another woman. everywhere in the world. “I love my wife and want to be with her.” concluded noted sex researcher Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues. usually in confidence.” Men will tell me. like small. but I still am drawn to wanting to be with other women. the female who invests more in offspring becomes the limited resource. usually.We all know that men are more physically competitive than women (again. trying to make sure she gives herself to a man who has good genes. Success crowns those who are pushy enough to out-compete their rivals yet have enough wanderlust to keep moving. remember that I’m talking about most men and most women. maybe two. Because of the male-female differences in parental investment. competition becomes predominantly a male activity and choice becomes a female prerogative. Sex Secret #5: Males Are Drawn to Multiple Partners. Here’s a little thought experiment. Since sex can lead to a major commitment on the part of the woman. Women often shake their heads at the silly (and sometimes downright crazy) things men do to get the attention of women. “Among all peoples. Now if I asked you all to pretend you were women and asked how many babies you could make in a year if you tried real hard. What competing is to males. Thirty-five years ago.” All sex studies show this difference. if you worked real hard at it. “it is . searching for new conquests. Some women could stomp my butt in physical competitions). Robert Trivers. right? One. the male—must compete to have. Numerous males. There’s all that pregnancy to contend with. Most of you would recognize your huge sperm reserves and be able to make lots of babies. a young evolutionary biologist at Harvard University. choosing is to females. postulated that sexual competition is a replay of fertilization itself. she has to be a wily chooser.

" Mrs. "With the same hen?" "No." retorted the President. Now. dear. because a man may be drawn to having sex with multiple partners. Coolidge.” Or “I’m tired. for disaster. By ignoring our biology and insisting “I would never get involved with someone else.” we often set ourselves. this may change as we get older and men’s testosterone levels begin to drop). The President thought for a moment and then inquired. it doesn’t mean he must act on his desire and not all men have the desire.” goes the familiar refrain. Sex Secret #6: When Men Have Sex. Just because men are more likely to be drawn to wanting multiple partners. but the truth is that promiscuity has different biological consequences for males and females. Be Aware of the Coolidge Effect: Here’s a well-known story that illustrates this propensity in men. rather than a man (though as you’ll see in Sex Secret #7. Coolidge coyly suggested that the farmer tell that to Mr. you have to accept the biological roots of our desire. Could we wait until the weekend?” We more often hear this refrain coming from a woman. sir. and our partners up. . to Mrs. which he did. But if you’re going to have great sex. the farmer proudly showed Mrs. Coolidge a rooster that "could copulate with hens all day long. “I have a headache. "Tell that Again. They Feel More Intimate. let me be clear. They Are More Desirous of Sex. When Women Feel Intimate.” Why? We can decry the morality of this. Coolidge. President Calvin Coolidge and his wife were touring a model farm during the 1920s. Understanding our biological “pulls” can help us make wise choices about how we want to live our lives. While the President was elsewhere. “Not tonight. doesn’t mean he has no choice.understood that the male is more likely than the female to desire sexual relations with a variety of partners." replied the farmer. day after day.

It is credited with making men strong. If the partner they desired wanted to have sex as much as they did. M. the sexual identity is finally determined when the special cells in the testes produce male hormones. We see the biological basis of the males desire for sex by studying gay men (before the AIDS epidemic). just waiting to go off. Men. on the other hand. and the monosyllabic grunts of Sylvester Stallone. and sometimes with anyone who is handy. If you’re thinking men and women can never find a meeting point where they will both be happy. It has all the basic equipment to develop as either sex. Sex Secret #7: Understanding the Hormone of Desire—Testosterone It's been called the "hormone from hell" and "the fountain of youth.Again biologically speaking women have a lot more to lose when having sex. but higher quality sex. male. gang violence." It is blamed for wars.. the scrotum and testicles. any place. an authority on hormones in men and women. Most women. "Teenage boys become walking grenades. along with the requisite body contouring.D. before they are ready for sex. so they are choosier about who they mate with and what the circumstances are. to be romanced. By that. rape. . most women mean that they need to feel an emotional connection with a man. the tiny fetus is neither male nor female." says Theresa Crenshaw. protecting their heart. "crafting the penis and its neighbors. I’m getting my point across. It is testosterone. shrinking their bellies. are happy to have sex any time. It is perhaps the most misunderstood player in the human sexual symphony. “Sex is most often something the man wants and the woman agrees to.” say David Barash and Judith Lipton. are desirous of less sex. the main one being testosterone. intimacy sometimes results in sex." We don't get much action from this hormone until it is awakened with a bang when the boy reaches puberty and testosterone levels rise 400-1000%. “Among men. authors of Making Sense of Sex. particularly young men. Generally gay men had many more sexual partners than lesbian women.” writes evolutionary biologist Donald Symons. among women. "It usually does a nice job. and boosting sexual desire in both men and women.” If you’re starting to understand why having great sex isn’t so simple. Here's how it works: In the first weeks in the womb. At around six weeks. most men would want more sex than they often get with their female partner." says Dr. read on. It is what makes those born with an XY chromosome. “sex sometimes results in intimacy.

” But it isn’t only men who need testosterone in order to develop their full sexual potential. "Although it is only about 10 percent of the amount circulating through teenage boys. that causes the heightened erotic sensitivity of the clitoris. Each of us has a characteristic level that we start with." Both men and women lose testosterone as they get older. women need it as well." There is also evidence that satisfactory levels of testosterone are necessary if a woman is to have a healthy sexual life through the Menopause Passage." says Susan Rako. there are some things you need to know that most of us have never learned. Forget about experimenting with new sexual positions or finding new sex toys. More than any other substance. Forget about analyzing your early childhood experiences and how you’ve been wounded. Crenshaw. and nipples. Others are lower T people. "As production kicks into high gear.Crenshaw. The voice cracks and deepens.. Some of us are Hi T (high testosterone) men and women. breasts. . M. "that female sexuality without testosterone is a house without a foundation. hips narrow. It’s like being tall or short. Sex Secret #8: Emotional Attachment is the Key to Great Sex and Lasting Love If you want great sex and love that lasts forever and never gets boring.D. get to know about testosterone. Sperm gets produced and wants release. thickness. "The fact is. We hear a lot about Viagra to help males with erectile dysfunction. have testosterone in their bodies. Though present in much smaller amounts. including your testosterone levels and how they change through time. There are some advantages to each. not estrogen. The main thing is to get to know yourself in all your magnificence. My advice for men and women who want to have a good sex and love life throughout their lives. competing with crops of acne. testosterone controls the development and maintenance of masculine characterists. Forget about learning how to argue better. Those women who feel that the world would be a much better place if testosterone were eliminated are probably not aware of recent research which shows the importance of testosterone to the developing female. and health of her genital tissue as well. "it is this testosterone. Muscles become lean and powerful. Facial hair sprouts." says Dr. Shoulders broaden. And you’re not going to get an erection and maintain it in the absence of sexual desire. It maintains the fullness. the psychological and physical impact of testosterone is overwhelming. Body hair and body odor make fine companions. one isn’t better than the other. women too. often. but the truth is that many men don’t have the level of sexual desire they once had.

But that is beginning to change. Sue Johnson is a clinical psychologist. needy. Women may be drawn to strong men. and protection. “That’s what I love about you Louie. stand on our own two feet. and wimpy to describe people who express those needs. in particular. so I could win over a woman who seemed to be attracted to men who were tough. We believe that we must be more independent. In her most recent book. are socialized to believe that it isn’t manly to cry. intimate. if we can take liberties and say that they care about anything. This is a case where our evolutionary roots may not serve our own happiness. then at the University of Denver. Many people recognize the importance of loving care and physical contact with infants and children for their emotional growth and development. We have used terms like codependent.Instead. decided to ask men and women questions about their love relationships to see if they exhibited the same responses and patterns as mothers and . about getting themselves passed on. The woman has just picked up a fork and stabbed the man in the bridge of his nose. Dr. to ask to be held when we are afraid. soothing. the developer of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. you’re tough. and passionate for life. Social psychologists Phil Shaver and Cindy Hazan. but they’ll have a much better sex life with a woman who they commit to now and forever. or to be talked to with quiet words of kindness and love. well. sexually satisfying life with our partner. but they’ll have a much better love life with a man who is emotionally responsive. But we think that once we grow up we no longer need that kind of care. I remember a cartoon that illustrated our view that “real men” need to be tough. It shows a man and a woman sitting across from each other in a restaurant having a romantic dinner. and take care of many of these emotional needs on our own. Our genes don’t care whether we have a loving. They just care. Men. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love she offers powerful insights and hands-on tools for keeping your relationship alive. Men may be drawn to multiple partners. and a recognized leader in the new science of relationships. every time I think of the cartoon.” I still wince. get to the emotional underpinnings of your relationship by recognizing that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing. The caption reads. but think about how much of my life I’ve spent trying to be tough. Much of modern psychotherapy has told people that there is something childish or emotionally immature about being attached to an adult lover.

they found that adult lovers have the same needs that we had when we were children and that healthy love includes healthy attachment. It often means being willing to struggle to make sense of your emotions so these emotions are not so overwhelming. captivated. E is for Engagement: Do I know you will value me and stay close? The dictionary defines engaged as being absorbed. Johnson’s program she says that the key to a lifetime of good sex and love was “emotional responsiveness. involved. wanting assurance that their lover would respond when they were upset. attracted. touch them more.” How A.children. Emotional engagement here means the very special kind of attention that we give only to a loved one. We gaze at them longer. and feeling more confident about exploring the world when they knew their lover had their back. In their answers the adults spoke of needing emotional closeness from their lover. You Really? The basis of Dr. R is for Responsiveness: Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally? This means tuning in to your partner and showing that his or her emotions. You can then step back from disconnection and can tune in to your lover’s attachment cues. Johnson’s book and website. Sensitive responsiveness always touches us emotionally and calms us on a physical level.R. pledged. Partners often talk of this as being emotionally present. especially attachment needs and fears. I hope you can begin to see that this kind of emotional bonding is what is present when we are having the best sex and love we would imagine. have an impact on you.E. being distressed when they felt separate and distant from their loved one. Its also what is missing when we begin to pull away from each other and feel emotionally alone and disconnected. If you’d like to learn more I recommend Dr. Johnson’s approach is to teach people the secrets contained in the phrase “How are you really?” A is for Accessibility: Can I reach you? This means staying open to your partner even when you have doubts and feel insecure. It means accepting and placing a priority on the emotional signals your partner conveys and sending clear signals of comfort and caring when your partner needs them. . In Dr. To their surprise. pulled.

Male Menopause. He is the author of 8 books. and The Irritable Male Syndrome. and around the world.com.com.D. To receive a Free E-book on Men’s Health and a free subscription to Jed’s e-newsletter go to www. . If you are looking for an expert counselor to help with relationship issues. and couples in his office in California or by phone with people throughout the U.MenAlive.Jed Diamond. write Jed@MenAlive. including Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places. women. He offers counseling to men.S. has been a marriage and family counselor for the last 44 years. Ph.

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