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In fact I skipped the entire holiday season, which is a shame because apparently I had to wait till the holidays for anything GOOD to come out. I could make excuses like how I was busy having sex while parachuting as well as other equally manly and exciting activities but instead I’ll just say that I’m sorry that you had to form your own opinions about films for the months I was gone. Don’t worry I’m here to set the record straight. I’m taking on all 52 weekends of bland, bleached, wallpaper paste that was stuffed down our face holes this last year with my own awards shtick: The Snobbies! The creation myth behind these awards is as bland as the movies of the last year and can be neatly summed up in three words: “bored at work.” At first I was just going to do a top ten list, but I realized that there weren’t ten movies I even liked this year. I mean sure, there were ones I thought I would like but to give the illusion of fairness I decided to stick to things I had actually watched. It then became a “top/bottom five” scenario similar to my Summer 2011 review, but once again I felt that that would both be uninspired and a poor indicator of how much I liked each film and for what reasons. Then I thought about the Oscars. It may surprise you to learn that I view the Oscars as the least offensive awards show out there, especially when compared to the Golden Globes. Despite giving Gone with the Wind 18 Oscars (a slight I will never forgive) the academy seems to be closer to my own personal tastes than any other award ceremony from any medium of entertainment out there. However since the Academy keeps blocking my calls, and rejecting my letters to them begging them to let me and me alone determine the winners, I have come up with my own awards program! So keep sitting down, grab an organic coffee, throw on some shit local band, and let this self loathing uptight nerd (read “hipster”) tell you what’s culturally acceptable at the first of many Snobby awards! I have made up my own categories, rather than stick to the dull, dumb, and degrading categories of the Oscars. Some of the categories do require a bit of introduction giving you insight into the process I went through to select each winner and loser. Oh yes, there are losers. This is not just a celebration of the good of this year but is also a necessary vetting of films that did the opposite of the right thing. This is a really long review and if you want to skip to the winners/losers the full list is at the end so you can get right back to masturbating to Hulu’s collection of soft-core porn. Art Direction The first award I have up for the taking is “Best Art Direction.” This can mean may things, form the set dressing to the costuming to the color and tone of the film. This time though, for both the best and worst, I’m going to focus heavily on the color. Taking home the shiny fantastically detailed gold medal is Drive. Drive did something that I’ve secretly been waiting to happen for years: Drive put the color back into action movies. While I admit that drive is not, in the strictest sense, an action movie it used color and
with all sorts of fun motivations. Horrific scenes with a beautifully paced mystery are the reasons Girl with the Dragon Tattoo was even considered for my favorite movie of the year award. but the movie has to resolve these mysteries in NOT stupid ways. Too bad it made the classic mistake of answering the wrong questions to early and never answering some questions at all. That’s just half the award though. and held aloft by a bust of Howard Hughes) is Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. wrapped in the torn pages of a Phillip K. while the lighting was used to say a thousand words about the characters without the crutch of dialogue. The movie who takes home the prize for worst mind-fuckery (a one way trip to a 1920’s psych ward) is Dream House. in and of itself. we’ll see you after the lobotomy. It is tragically hilarious that Daniel Craig looked at both these scripts and decided that they were BOTH worth his time. Sadly the same can not be said about my next victim. Taking home the award for worst art direction (which is piece of cardboard with some shit smeared on it) is a movie that while. Every time I was astounded by the twists and turns. For me the lighthouse scene is what clinched this award for Drive. Joseph Gordon Levitt’s character in the dramadey 50/50. all begging to be loved and rooted for. Firstly it must have some aspect of mystery about the story. Best Protagonist Throughout this terrible season we have had all sorts of characters. Have fun with nurse Ratched. cracking wise has the same color scheme as Girl with the Dragon Tattoo a movie with two rape scenes. Now I had read the books. Congrats Guy Ritchie you have once again proved you can only do one thing right at a time. While there is no such thing as an “easy to watch” rape scene (maybe in Tie Me Up. wasn’t unbearable it had one big blemish. seen the original Swedish films. Not only that. Lastly I demand to be completely disturbed at one point. Now for this one there was no clear front runner but after a long heartfelt look back I realized the person I rooted for the most for this year was Adam. Be that a character with a mysterious past or a great mystery at the center of the story. Tie Me Down…maybe) both instances were not only so gut wrenching I had to peek out through the gaps in my fingers they were the most well directed rape scenes since A Clockwork Orange. Not only was this movie a pathetic attempt at mind bendy horror it tried to have this grandiose mystery regarding the protagonist’s background. The orange and pinks made the world seem so perfectly cinematic without making it too cartoony. For his truly compelling and sympathetic story Adam will be receiving a gold bust of . Taking home the award (a copy of Call of Cthulhu.lighting to staggering effect. Dick novel. For any movie to qualify it must meet at least three of these two requirements. and even watched the American one TWICE. Okay lets cut right to it cause you’re all thinkin’ it: the rape scenes. the other half comes from the fantastic mystery that was beautifully paced. Sherlock Holms: A Game of Shadows seemed to think (as do a lot action movies do it seems) that the best way to keep the tone of their film campy and fun was drain every ounce of color from it. It kept me watching and even the second time the big reveal was pulled I still gasped a little. Mind-fuckery This award has two components. Seriously a movie with a cross-dressing Robert Downey Jr.
he just keeps hitting the nail smack on the head. I’ve been slowly falling for my Levi-bear for a while now. from his kick ass role in Brick to his part in Inception. I never did find myself LOATHING him. This film had in it one of the few moments I was yelling at the screen. Please give a round of applause to all the characters in Transformers 3 Dark of the Moon. but while he wasn’t in anyway engaging. Raking in another award (this one a life size piñata of Charlton Hesston filled with gummy bears) is Joseph Gordon Levitt for his performance in 50/50. pistol with one bullet. Sadly for every gorgeous. Receiving a plaster cast of Katherine Heigl’s left breast is the always dreadful Sarah Jessica Parker. Congrats again Roony! You’ll get your cake shaped like Meryl Strep in 4-6 business days.Luke Skywalker ice skating with Butch Cassidy. Shia LaBeouf will be receiving an old 45. Actor in a Lead Role Tying nicely into my award for best protagonist is the award for Best Actor. The cancer was an easy thing to make look sympathetic. When Adam’s slutty. This one I hope needs no explanation. Goddamnit. I’m just going to quickly say that for his completely lackluster performance that did nothing to dispel rumors that he should be shot in the knee. but for a relatively unknown actress it didn’t ring of the guaranteed income and fame that a movie with more general audience appeal would. queen of unlikable protagonists. The award for worst protagonist took me a long time to hand out. talented actress we have one or two that make you question why we humans have not yet evolved out of our pathetic sexual dimorphism. My first instinct was to give it to Danny Taggart. evil. What I’m trying to say is that this was a movie that no one could say would be a career-maker. the lead in the adaptation of Atlas Shrugged. Please understand that when I say “all the characters” I mean ALL of them. Actress in a Lead Role Woo I don’t have to talk about Transformers anymore!! I can just talk about a really good movie again! Like Girl with the Dragon Tattoo! This time it’s Roony Mara that gets special recognition for not only being just a good actress but a good actress who took on a movie that has some really unconventional scenes. I really just don’t. . but where the writers excelled was pushing the cancer into the background and uses it merely as a framework for the actions of both Adam and the characters he interacts with. In fact I had not come up with a loser for this category until about five minuets ago. please study it before you make another movie. Then I realized that was just because the source material came from Ayn Rand. Next was Hal Jordon form Green Lantern. I don’t want to talk about this movie anymore. Congrats writers. I’m sending you a used copy of my 9th grade English textbook. Sure the source material was popular. I would say it’s for her role in “I Don’t Know How She Does it” but I’m just giving it to her for every role she’s ever had in all recorded history. There were plenty of candidates. girlfriend comes back I was yelling at Adam to “Throw her cheating ass off the porch!!” If I can root that hard for a character it means the writers and the actor are both worthy of praise. He is the one I would like to see win more awards as his career progresses. I can’t even tell you who was the protagonist let alone why we should root for them.
slag of the summer this was the lowest point of 2011 for me. but they have all had some aspect of comedy behind them. Everything else collectively shares the award for shittiest fucking horror film.Horror Films I’m sorry everyone I can’t be as chipper as I have been for this category. Every fucking time the directors/writers think that horror=torture porn. In fact the last movie I remember being scared by is Village of the Damned which I saw in 2007ish! I say all this so you remember that my “Best” horror film of 2011 was only “good” and failed to be “great. IT FUCKING PACED ITSELF. is X-Men: First Class. I love horror films. and Fright Night. Seriously fan-boys if you’re going to argue that a movie is bad simply because it doesn’t follow the established cannon then all I have to do for a counter argument is go to any Wikipedia page for ANY mainstream character and read it out loud. For the purposes of this award I’m saying that a “blockbuster” is a movie released during the most profitable season of the year with a general audience in mind and with a large chunk of money thrown into it. “Hard to watch” does not equal SCARY! The Scary comes form the pacing and a solid atmosphere not from fucking hacking every character apart! Even the gore gets boring when that’s all that fucking happens! Don’t be afraid of the dark had THREE gory bits all of which were so perfectly placed that ONE bone break was enough to make the audience upchuck their popcorn! All that said it would be easier to list the horror movies I liked this year. Sleeping with my +1 long sword of holy light under my pillow after watching Nosferatu. …Do I even have to say it? The worst movie of the summer. Blockbuster is a fuzzy term.” Regardless. “Blockbusters” Speaking of the grey. mainly because comedies never win awards. even for me. Why? Let’s face it every comedy (even good ones) have no depth to their . bland. Comedies Now this is a category that I can get behind. Sadly I have not seen a good horror movie in just about six years. a movie whose producers I’m sending a large dirt hole so they can just throw their millions down it instead of making another film. While it wasn’t greatly characterized and failed to hold much of a narrative it did do one thing I wish every horror film did. I have seen this ever since those terrible Saw movies. slag of the summer. Both because it was a surprisingly good revival of a franchise we all thought died in the early 2000’s as well as a good argument as to why writers who adapt comic books to film should fuck comic book continuity right in its sweaty. There are two others: Tucker & Dale V Evil. the winner of a pile of baby skulls garnished by George A. bland. walking home in the dark with a glance over my shoulder after watching The Devil’s Backbone. Being so absorbed in a terrifying world of fantasy it bleeds into your reality for days after the film is over. let’s talk about the best of those films that I spent all of my time ragging on this last year. Pooing my pants when Hannibal Lector simply opens his mouth. Winner of this years award for least offensive summer movie. I’m sorry if I went a little overboard there but besides the grey. as well as a contract for a sequel and 100 million dollars in gold bullion. twisted face. These are the things I love about horror films. is Trasformers 3 Dark Side of Plot Structure. Sure there have been horror films I’ve enjoyed. Romero’s entrails is Don’t be Afraid of the Dark.
a year that promises to be the nerdiest one yet.” That’s funny. Let me clarify why I bring that word seemingly out of left field. Film of the Year Woo! We made it! All the way through this shit year and here we are. My choice for best comedy wasn’t only based on what movie was the funniest but what movie also held the spark of something I had not seen in a while: sex jokes that were not misogynistic (well not all of them). It’s this tired old tirade of movies that involve dudes going from singles to couples and then back again all the while sending the message that women=getting laid.000 away from Harry Potter! So let be the last times I ever type these words because if I have to talk about this film again I’m killing myself and everyone in the pretentious coffee shop I’m sitting in right now. Taking home the “Shut the Hell up you Goddamned Hipster” Award (as well as a punching bag with a picture of my face stapled to it) is Martin Scorsese for his use of 3-D in Hugo. was and always will be Transformers 3 Shit Side of Culture. This powerhouse of a film had it all. Happy yet? Or do you want just a little more? Very well I have one special award for a movie that I at least want to mention.543 total. I think that the reason I hate it so much is because despite everyone thinking it was akin to having an amateur root canal with a fire-poker and no anesthesia so many fucking people saw this movie. and possibly ever. “Why aren’t there any famous women mountain climbers? Because there are no mountains between the kitchen and the bedroom. with Batman. I’m fine with misogynistic jokes. and The Avengers all hitting theaters. G. No movie displayed this belief more than The Change-up.” Thankfully I’m here and can give the proper recognition to the few who deserve it and punishment to those asking for it. and the story competently strung. Fantastic acting. Luckily Drive was made so I didn’t have to give this to a movie that just pretty much was like watching a really shitty 2001: A Space Odyssey. The worst movie of 2011. Joe. This all culminated in a movie that I truly hated: The Change-up. and first I need to reward your patience with the knowledge of the greatest movie of 2011. Winner of the hilarity award of 2011 (an antique “snakes in a can” practical joke) is Bridesmaids. and a story that grips you by your balls. In fact let me change my earlier statement these movies are just sexist. fantastic art direction. the characters were well written.characters or storylines. Men are just penises with bodies attached and women are stifling and only good for their holes. . Really I am. The most they can hope for is being called “smart” or “clever. Alright I’ll give you 100$ to the person who can guess my most hated movie of 2011.) is Drive. From beginning to end the movie was funny. That’s later however. Just 30. There were plenty to pick form but I think you all know which one “won” out in the end.I. I hope to see these girls in theaters again soon. Most importantly it WAS FUCKING ORIGONAL! Seriously I would have given this to Tree of Life just because it was something I had not seen before.390. Taking home first place (a statue of me made out of the finest German chocolate set to a perfect 5:1 scale. Congrats I’m sending you a time machine so you can go back to your frat house dick-cheese. For most of the 2000’s there has been a blight of “Dude” movies clogging up the comedy scene. A lot. I have now only to list the best of the worst and the worst of the worst then I can retire to 2012. It made the second most money this year with $352. What can I say? I laughed. I have hated 3-D for a loonnngg time. Fantastic directing. the Hobbit.
If I don’t write again let me leave you with this inspirational quote: “There are three types of people in this world. That’s it. Happy New Year and all that. Plus if Martin Scorsese says that 3-D is a viable option to add to a story who the hell am I to argue? There. I’ll probably do the same awards façade next year if I don’t kill myself or Shia LaBeouf does the job first. you Goddamned Hipster” award for surprisingly appropriate use of 3D: Martin Scorsese for “Hugo” . I’ll try and keep up better this year but I really don’t want to. teach and those who don’t do ether. Martin however has used it correctly for the first time in all history.It’s a shallow. misused gimmick that Hollywood drags out every thirty years like clockwork to try and squeeze a few extra dollars out of you sheep.” The Categories and Their Winners -Best/worst Art Direction: Drive/Sherlock Holms: A Game of Shadows -Best/worst Mind-Fuckery: Girl with the Dragoon Tattoo/ Dream House -Best/worst Protagonist: Adam (50/50)/Every Character (Transformers 3) -Best/worst actor (lead role): Ryan Gosling in Drive/ Shia LaBeouf in Transfomers 3 -Best/worst actress (lead role)Roony Mara in Girl with the Dragoon Tattoo/ Sarah Jessica Parker in everything she’s ever been in. -Best/worst Horror Film: Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark/ Every other “scary” film -Best/worst “Blockbuster”: X-Men First Class/ Transformers 3 -Best/worst Comedy: Bridesmaids/ The Change Up -Best/worst Movie of 2011: Drive/ Transformers 3 Special Awards and Their Winners -The “Shut the Hell up. critique. There are “doer’s” and those who do not do.(I don’t 100% count Avatar but it was a step in the right direction) The 3-D added to the story and the world enhancing immersion instead of breaking it’s knee with a sickening crack like every film this year.
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