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Love

Love

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Published by Bilal Aslam

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Published by: Bilal Aslam on Jan 20, 2012
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09/02/2015

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Love

in Interpersonal Relationships

Lecture by Dr. Alan D. DeSantis

My Favorite Romantic Drama

What is Love? 
Robert
±
»

Sternberg¶s Three Ingredients

1. Intimacy
-Sharing, communication, mutual support, trust Not just physical, also emotional Long-term focus

±

2. Passion
»

±

3. Commitment
»

Sternberg¶s Ingredients All ± ± ± Three are needed! Only intimacy. you have friendship Only passion. you have infatuation/lust Only commitment. you have empty love But how can we account for the different types of love people experience? .

Six Types of Love From Lee (1976) My Favorite Classic Romance .

We have all of these 6 ³love types´ in our relationships 2.The Theory of Love Types    1. you are insecure & passionate » (Because s/he was non-committal & sexual) In your next. Degrees can change with time ± In 10 years. #6 is largest / #4 is smallest 6 1 5 2 4 3 My Chart  4. Every relationship we have may differ: ± ± ± In your first relationship. What separates us is the degrees of each (each person is different) 3. you are calm & relaxed » (Because s/he was nurturing and warm) Key: Others make us who we are in relationships .

sexual. Sleeping Beauty & Cinderella ± Hollywood loves eros love! . & intense  Often Believe in: ± Love as Magical ± Love as fate ± Love at first sight  Very ³American´  Movie: Titanic / Romeo and Juliet / Ghosts / Sweet Home Alabama / Natural Born Killers / Princess Bride / Sleepless in Seattle / Snow White.1) Eros Love  Highly passionate.

2) Ludus Love  The ³Players´ love  Will often: ± Keep their passions in check ± Avoid trouble and intensity ± Feel uncomfortable about commitment ± Keep secrets ± Have affairs    Remember. we all have a little ludus in us When a relationship gets too intense (or is no longer fun). Elmo¶s Fire / Cruel Intentions / Dangerous Liaisons ± Hollywood¶s Formula: Ludus plays with Eros-Eros is crushed . they leave Movie: Great Expectations / St.

± Develops over time ± Endures long periods of inactivity or excitement » Lacks the heat of eros and the games of ludus  Movie: Harry Met Sally / The Wedding Singer / My Best Friends Wedding / Shrek / You¶ve Got Mail / Beauty and the Beast / 2 Weeks Notice / How To Lose A Guy / Tootsie . .3) Storge Love  Peaceful and slow ± Not passionate and intense  Friendship is key ± Difficult to separate from friendships  This love . .

Love is logical & More stable ± Not magical. $. but rational Movie: Pretty Woman / Bridges of MC / As Good As It Gets / Shakespeare in Love / Big Fat Greek Wedding / Grease / Maid in Manhattan / Notting Hill ± Hollywood Formula: Woman settles for pragma love--but is unhappy . race. nationality. etc.4) Pragma Love     Practical Looking for ³types´ ± Parents. family.

drinking. etc..5) Mania Love  Extreme highs and lows ± Jealousy ± Obsessive  Self-worth comes from the relationship ± Nothing else matters  Movie: Fatal Attraction / Something  About Mary / American Beauty / The Crush / Memento / Taxi Driver / Swim Fan Hollywood Formula: slashing tires. going into exile. stalking. .

.6) Agape (Alan) Love  This love is . . ± Compassionate ± Selfless ± Egoless  No concern for personal reward or gain ± Want the best for the other person  Movie: Forrest Gump / Man Love a Women / John Q / Casablanca / .

Test Time  Take out pen and paper  Number your paper from 1 to 24  Select one relationship to analyze ± Past or Present  Be honest---these will NOT be collected! Love It!! .

 1) My lover and I have the perfect physical chemistry between us  2) I feel that my lover and I were truly meant for each other (fate)  3) My lover and I really understand each other (soul mates)  4) My lover fits my ideal standards of physical beauty (my idea of a ³10´)  5) I try to keep my lover a little uncertain about my commitment to him/her  6) I believe that what my lover doesn¶t know about me won¶t hurt him/her (I keep secrets) Love?? .

mystical emotion  12) Our love is the most satisfying because it developed from. not a mysterious. a deep caring relationship Too Sappy . love must develop over time (not an over-night thing)  10) I expect to always be friends with my lover  11) Our love is really a deep friendship. I want them to back off  9) To be genuine. and is based on. 7) It is important that our relationship is fun and exciting  ) When my lover gets too dependent on me.

I believed it was best to love someone with a similar background 14) A main consideration in choosing my lover was whether my family would approve 15) An important factor in choosing a partner is whether or not he/she would be a good parent 16) One consideration in choosing my lover was what career he/she selected 17) When things aren¶t right with my lover and me.      13) In choosing my lover. my stomach gets upset 18) Sometimes I get so excited about being in love with my lover that I can¶t sleep I Don¶t Get It? .

I still love him/her fully and unconditionally  24) I would endure all things for the sake of my lover Gotta Love the 80s . etc. physically. I feel sick all over (emotionally. 19) When my lover doesn¶t pay attention to me.)  20) I cannot relax if I suspect that my lover is with someone else  21) I try to always help my lover through difficult times  22) I would rather suffer myself than let my lover suffer  23) When my lover gets angry with me.

Calculating the Results:  Statements » » » » » » 1-4 are Eros 5-8 are Ludus 9-12 are Storge 13-16 are Pragma 17-20 are Manic 21-24 are Agapic Not All Love Is Healthy Love  Highlight ± your high and low brackets 3 to 4 ³Trues or Falses´ are Markers .

Now What?  1) ± ± ± What do these findings tell you about yourself? Illuminate Mistakes? Illuminate Successes? Do you wish you could make different decisions about love?  2) Do it again with another ³love´ in mind ± See how they differ  3) Have your boy/girlfriend take the test with you I¶m Embarrassed .

Men: Eros and Luduc ± B. Pragma. couples grow into Stroge and Agape love YUK!! . National Findings on Love Test ± A.General Findings  I. and Stroge ± C. Age and Evolution » Eros and Mania are ³young´ loves » In time. Women: Manic.

8% M  Notice: Sex comes before love ± B. National Statistics on Love and Sex » » ± A.´ figures are misleading » Many still consider themselves ³virgins´ even after multiple oral partners . Gender and Virginity²Women Sooner » » ± Note: Since ³oral sex´ is not considered ³sex.6) Average age for 1st time sex: 16 W / 17 M % of virgins 18-24 years: 6.2% W / 10.1/ M: 17.6) First love (W: 17.General Research  II. Infatuations First infatuation (W: 13 / M: 13.

.

 III.) » And sooner ± C. but not so for women » Reason 1: Without their wives. After divorce. Married men are psychologically and physically healthier. Men are more likely to get re-married ± D. Romantic Love (cont. most men have no support system and no one to talk to about life¶s stresses  Men are 8 times more likely to commit suicide after divorce » Reason 2: Women do most of the work in most relationships (even when both are working outside the home) .

and Sex (1999 AARP Survey) ± 60% of couples 45-60 years old report having sex once a week (the average for all couples) ± 20% over 75 report having sex once a week ± After 50 years of age. women become more sexually assertive ± Majority of couples over 55 report finding their significant other more romantic and attractive Beautiful Film . Age. men become more romantic.General Findings  IV. Love.

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