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being an Unofficial Criticism by Something Awful Goons Namtab and Friends of the Internet Fiction MILLS
COLLEGE ANIME CLUB originally
penned by TVTropes Troper SirPsychoSexy for the National Novel Writing Month of the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Nine
“Let me put this as delicately as possible. [A critic] gets liquored up and cusses about stuff he doesn’t like. Couldn’t create anything cool himself, so he’s going to inflict his mouth on everyone who can.” Fast Eddie
“I plan on writing a novel about a group of (mostly) GLBTQ college students in an Anime club, and their misadventures. I plan on it being a somewhat satirical look at Anime fandom, complete with really lame Show-Within-AShow (Gravy Fighter Haruhi, which, yes, is a magical girl show about a girl who fights her enemies with gravy)” SirPsychoSexy
“Is there really a demand for writing in the genre of “offensive strawmen discuss anime and being gay”?” MrBims
“Fuck this story. Fuck tropers.” Namtab
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We have since been informed that Blixty Slycat is no longer a TVTropes troper, as in January 2012 he declared he was quitting TVTropes, and Fast Eddie obliged by banning him. This fact does not discount that Blixty Slycat’s statement as reprdocued in this Work is wholly representative of TVTropes’s culture.
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The Something Awful forums, deemed by Fast Eddie as “a vile pit of hate”, had had three semisuccessful threads on the wonders of TVTropes and its members. There are many, many faults about the community of TVTropes, and one of these issues is the quality of their writing. One of the chief issues, however, is that these people seem to think their writing is hot shit. There is a thread in the TVTropes forums called “Favourite lines from your own writing”. It is as of today, 26 pages long, and has “favourite lines” like this:
On November 2011, SA Goon Bad Bromance challenged the thread to do something innocuous, and Groghammer rose up to the challenge by introducing to the thread a 30-chapter thing called Mills College Anime Club (MCAC), written by someone who calls himself SirPyschoSexy. SA Goon Namtab decided to go one step further to bring us quotes and lines from MCAC, and the thread was never the same again. This document intends to compile as much as possible Namtab’s descent to lunacy as MCAC turned out to be more and more Anime by the moment, and the horrified responses of the other SA Goons bearing witness to this unfortunate spiral to hell. On an editorial note, all unblocked text are written by Namtab and has been copied here with slight formatting changes, save for those in the Courier New font which are written by myself. All unattributed blocks with text in blue are excerpts of MCAC. Text in red was originally posted in spoiler format. Text in green is Namtab’s reflective notes for this document. Since completing this arduous task, Namtab has admitted himself into a psychiatric ward and is receiving treatment for grievous mental harm. We understand that he is recuperating at a positive pace, and wish him our best. We have since been informed that Namtab has relapsed and is now supplying the thread with more excerpts from other terrible TVTropes fictions. Medical professionals have been alerted, and we urge you to provide information to them upon your noticing his presence in the thread. In short, fuck tropers. The Saddest Rhino 24/01/12
TVTropes exists as a site to calalouge “Tropes”, which are supposedly common elements of fiction. In practice this means that they have a trope page for every possible cliché imaginable, plus several that aren’t really narrative clichés at all. So while a trope page for “Everyone Did It” is an actual trope, they also have trope pages for “Hawaiian Shirt” and “Fan Art”, which are not narrative clichés. So a trope page exists for every possible thing that could happen in or appear in a piece of work ever, regardless of whether or not it is narratively relevant. So that’s what a trope is. On their forums, particularly their writing subforum, tropers then take these things and use them as building blocks in their work. While I’m not particularly well schooled in literary theory, I’m well aware that a story should not be written from clichés (actual Eng Lit Goons agree). This leads to works like Mills College Anime Club. I’m not going to lie, the original work is deeply offensive and stupid. Despite being a homosexual himself, SirPsychoSexy reveals in this work a deeply unhealthy and offensive attitude towards homosexuals and transsexuals. This story is also retardedly Anime, everyone knows what Anime is and their lives completely revolve around it. I started these posts for a quick joke, but as I kept reading I found more and more to comment on. SirPsychoSexy couldn’t go a chapter without being offensive in some way, and it quickly became apparent that the only way to truly be able to appreciate how terrible this story was was to comment on the entire thing. Luckily I didn’t get banned in the process. What you have on your screens now is the full collection of my posts about this terrible story, edited slightly for clarity. Alongside this is a collection of posts from fellow goons, sometimes insulting the work, sometimes commenting on the work, sometimes even supplying additional information about the work. I hope you enjoy reading this, and if you enjoy it please forward it to your friends (perhaps consider a donation to one of the wonderful charities listed). My thanks go out to all contributers to this document, particularly The Saddest Rhino for tirelessly going through the original posts and compiling them.
In short, fuck tropers. Namtab 23/01/12
Table of Contents
A Bisexual Latino Hentai .......................................................................................................................... 1 Gay Men Aren’t Doctors .......................................................................................................................... 4 My Personality Is Anime .......................................................................................................................... 6 A True Blob of Moe ................................................................................................................................. 7 The Author: SirPsychoSexy ..................................................................................................................... 10 Someone’s Fag Hag Walked In ............................................................................................................... 12 Women, He Thought ............................................................................................................................. 13 Review: It’s Scaring My As To................................................................................................................. 14 “But I Want Yaoi!” She Started Crying. ................................................................................................... 16 All Anime Girls Are Whores.................................................................................................................... 17 This Anime Slept With That Anime......................................................................................................... 21 Interlude: Major Tom............................................................................................................................. 24 Gravy Fighter Haruhi Is Still Crap and You Know It ................................................................................. 32 Some Girls Are More Appealing Flat ...................................................................................................... 35 How Does Haru-chan Eat That Much Gravy and Still Stay Skinny? .......................................................... 39 She’s Not Really a Lady. She Has a Wiener. ............................................................................................ 45 A Lesson about Tolerance (Not Really)................................................................................................... 50 A Gift for Namtab .................................................................................................................................. 55 Interlude: An Advice on Receiving Criticism ............................................................................................ 58 The Tsundere Quality I Know and Love .................................................................................................. 60 Chinese Food and Magical Girl Shows Will Ease Our Pain ....................................................................... 66 My Dad Is a Bigger Anime Snob than Me ............................................................................................... 69 Everyone thinks we’re Nazis because we’re German ............................................................................. 77 Interlude: Fast Eddie .............................................................................................................................. 83 Write What You Know ........................................................................................................................... 85 The Power of Fanservice to Sell Chocolate ............................................................................................. 94 Interlude: Enemy Mayan...................................................................................................................... 103 A Real Yaoi Boy Wouldn’t .................................................................................................................... 118 I’m Still a Fucking Virgin, Man! I Whack Off Like Three Times A Day! Take Some Pity On Me, Will You? 126 Interlude: Other Works of SirPsychoSexy .............................................................................................. 135
“Thank God We Have Anime Then,” Said Mike. “A Place We Belong.” ................................................. 137 Making His Rear End Swell with Love ................................................................................................... 143 I Have Standards with My Yaoi and Yuri ............................................................................................... 149 I’m So Happy that A Gay Guy is Touching MY Boobs! .......................................................................... 158 I Brought This Yuri Paddle for Nothing ................................................................................................. 168 Animes Trying To Look Human ............................................................................................................ 176 The Most Uke-Esque Uke in the History Of Yaoi ................................................................................... 183 Anime Is the Tie That Binds Us ............................................................................................................. 198 TVTropes Entry on Mills College Anime Club ........................................................................................ 208 One Last Word on Writing and How Not To Write Like a Troper ........................................................... 211 Final Thoughts on the Dynamics between Something Awful and TVTropes........................................... 212
A Bisexual Latino Hentai
Bad Bromance Next someone count how many troper fanfics have “Chronicles” in the title you don’t actually need to do this it’s all of them
I’m a free bitch, baby
I took BB too literally and did a quick search of the Troper Works page, but it wasn’t for naught. Behold the culmination of TVTropes: The Mills College Anime Club! (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Literature/MillsCollegeAnimeClub)
The boy with the glasses stood up. “You’ve NEVER heard of Gundam? Excuse me, Mr. Blasphemer, Gundam is the single greatest anime franchise known to man- well, the UC timeline anyway. Wing and 00 are overrated piles of crap. If you say anything bad about Gundam one more time, I swear, on the soul of Yoshiyuki Tomino, and on my identity as Alistair Howard, I’ll…”
There are 30 chapters of this.
I posted this before, but it got drowned out by (other) creepy sex stuff so I thought I’d repost Mills College Anime Club (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Literature/MillsCollegeAnimeClub ). The author wrote it for NaNoWriMo a year or two ago, and it details the slice-of-life happenings of the titular club. I love slice-of-life, but it needs strong characters whom you can identify with. Let’s see who we The Character Page: “Randy” Alvarez, a bisexual Latino Hentai fanboy who is fairly Book Dumb and is a Jerk with a Heart of Gold. Alistair Howard, a snarky female-to-male Transsexual who has a huge ego, worships Char Aznable, and thinks that any anime made past 1995 is crap even though he changes his mind later.
Liese Meyer, the other student from Germany, doing graduate study at Mills (in comparative literature). A cute, short, blond Lipstick Lesbian with big breasts, her personality ranges between Shrinking Violet and The Ojou, with an occasional stop at Yamato Nadeshiko. She speaks five languages, even though her English is a bit off. Is extremely attractive to men (thus earning her nickname of “Moeblob”), even though it pains her that the girls don’t want her. Liese is a Yuri Fangirl and a bit of a Covert Pervert. She’s been in love with Nina since the day they met, even though she realizes Nina is straight and thinks that she’s dating Randy for a while.
Not pictured: Over half the words linking to some trope or other. Yes, including “snarky”. There are literally no characters in this series whom you can relate to. They are either disgusting perverts, strawmen, angry about everything, or any/all three. And this is just scratching the surface of this thing.
My favourite (terrible) thing on the page is Shit: Anything That Moves Deconstructed: Randy is still a virgin because women think he’s a pervert, and also because (gay) men usually dump him the instant they find out he’s bisexual. Randy also ends up subverting A Man Is Not a Virgin. Now admittedly I don’t know much about the GLBT community, but I’m fairly sure that that wouldn’t happen. It’s 30 chapters. Gonna try skim reading it to see how many terrible things I can find. the opening: “This first week of classes has been such a headache. I barely have time now to run to eat lunch, go visit a few of the club booths, and then I have freaking chemistry lab. I don’t know why I put up with all this, except...” Mike made a face, mopping sweat off of his brow with his hand.
The true face of horror
His companion (and friend since kindergarten) Gracie stared at him through her thick-lensed glasses that looked as if they were coated with petroleum jelly, every movement of her eyes hidden from anyone who wished to see them. “Why aren’t you going to the Gay Pride Association table?” “Yeah, I am gay, but...” He made a motion towards the table. “I don’t think those people are going to be the friendliest to me. Why don’t we just go to the Anime Club table and call it a day?” “But...they look so..AWESOME!” Gracie jumped up and down. “I mean, they’re so fashionable and...and...bishounen! I totally want to do them! Pleeeeaaaase?” Mike sighed, “Whatever,” as he had his childhood friend drag him towards the Gay Pride Association table. “Hello there!” lilted one of the overly flamboyant students at the table. “I see we have a lesbian and a- GASP- rare male straight ally?” “Uh, dude, I’m gay.” “Aw, pish. Gay men do NOT have crew cuts. Anyways- and the lesbian?” Gracie became very angry; the tablers had stumbled onto her berserk button. “I AM NOT A LESBIAN!” The other tabler looked up at her and said, “Your sensible clothes beg to differ.” A slight pause came over the table. “I’m just dragging Mike here because he needs to get a date! Don’t you Mike? Oh, and if you two want to go shopping with me...can I give you my number? Oh, and you two should totally make out right here in the booth and...” “Dyke,” the first tabler opined. “Totally,” agreed the second. Gracie, by now, was completely ignoring them- well, except for the scenes of delicious man-sex she was imagining in her head featuring the two guys at the table gently taking each other on a bed of roses, yelling about how their love was so forbidden...
I think the answer to “how many terrible things can I find” is “the entire thing”.
Gay Men Aren’t Doctors
I just want to say, for something written by a gay troper, this story seems so homophobic it’s unbelievable.
“I have some free time for that. What do you do?” “Protest against injustice. You know, fight for Macintoshes when the library wants to put in PC’s...” “Wait, hold the phone. What do Macs have to do with gay rights?” Mike scratched his head. “Wow, we must be all muscle and no brains,” snickered the first tabler cattily. “You know, only straight people use PC’s.” “Yes,” chimed in the second tabler, “why do you think Apple designed the logo with rainbows?” “PC’s are easier for me to use, and...” “BREEDER!” chimed in the two tablers. “No, I’m gay. My lesbian mom raised me with her partner Shirley. What more gay cred do I have to give you guys?” The two tablers looked at each other and smirked. “What’s your major?” asked the first. “Choose wisely!” cautioned the second. “Pre-med.” “You mean nursing, right? Gay men aren’t doctors.” The first tabler put his hand behind his head in confusion. “No, pre-med.” “If you’re really gay, you must be lying,” said the second tabler. “Umm...let me guess...theater?” “No, I said pre-med.” Mike was growing more and more frustrated, but his calm exterior refused to show it. “Why won’t you two listen to me?” “Because you’re obviously a breeder. I mean, look at you. No fashion sense, a crew cut, and you want to become a doctor! My foot you’re gay!” The second one started laughing at him. “And if you really are gay, you obviously hate yourself. This club is about gay pride, not gay shame. Honey, it’s in the name for crying out loud! I mean, we all know the butch ones hate themselves! We’re all fairies on the inside, sweetie cakes! You’d better realize it sooner or later or you’ll never get a boyfriend!”
Mike sighed. “Gracie, let’s go. I told you this wasn’t worth our time.” “But Mike...these guys are so cool! I mean, they’re definitely an upgrade from you in the fag department! Plus they’re so pretty and cute and...” “I said, let’s go.” Gracie hesitantly followed Mike, stars still in her eyes from meeting her two ultimate fagscum-yaoi-boys.
Arrhythmia [A gay dude] had come into the university with that nickname, and, from what the two Germans could gather, it suited him all too well. All he seemed to be interested in, day in and day out, was anatomy, usually female, but he’d also lapse into talk about penises as welland, if anyone dared to listen, about how much he’d like to suck certain ones.
Yep, no stereotyping here about how all gay men just want to talk about sex, nope.
I had a shot at chapter 1 myself a while back, found the file when I was tinkering with audacity earlier, decided to redo it today. I'm not very experienced so please forgive me if it's a little too quiet. Also I apologise for my use of the gay stereotype voice, but I felt it appropriate here because the author wrote the gay pride table as gay stereotypes.
My Personality Is Anime
100% of your Recommended Daily Intake of Leo. Now with a tangy seafood flavor!
Sounds like tropers to me. I like how the characters’ sexuality is almost invariably listed first. It reminds me of a comment a page or two back about how the only way tropers categorize people is by sexuality. It’s not, though! You can also judge someone based on their super power!
I’ve made it up to chapter three. What I’ve noticed so far is that this falls into the usual troper trap that the characters are really two dimensional. All characters have four things given, their name, their sexuality, the type of Anime they like/hate, and a single aspect personality. So we get: NAME: MIKE ORIENTATION: GAY (SUBTYPE: STRAIGHT GAY) ANIME OPINIONS: LIKES SHOUNEN PERSONALITY: THE NORMAL ONE For those of you wondering, http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/StraightGay is what TVTropes says straight gay is. I still think it’s a really offensive trope. It’s essentially “gay man who doesn’t act like a stereotype”. or NAME: ALISTAIR ORIENTATION: TRANSEXUAL (SUBTYPE: FEMALE TO MALE) ANIME OPINIONS: LIKES OLD ANIME HATES ANYTHING NEW PERSONALITY: ANGRY AND ABRASIVE and let’s not forget NAME: RANDY ORIENTATION: BISEXUAL (NOTES: SEXUALLY HARASSES EVERYONE) ANIME OPINIONS: LIKES HENTAI AND MOEBLOBS PERSONALITY: UNSUCCESSFUL BISEXUAL QUAGMIRE Shit, even Goosebumps had characters more well rounded than that.
A True Blob of Moe
Crameltonian Are you sure this was written by a gay troper? It sounds more like something that Rott or USAF whatver-the fuck-he’s called would write to say ‘see, my homophobia’s totally justified. As proof I present to you this totally factual story about those filthy fags that I’ve written. ’
Because this isn’t what I what act like, it’s definitely not what any of my gay friends act like. This is more like what Michelle Bachmann or Rick Santorum think gay people act like. I present to you the author SirPsychoSexy http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Tropers/SirPsychoSexy I think it’s meant to be a joke about how the stereotypical homosexuals don’t understand him because he acts like a straight person (the author lists himself as straight gay and transexual on his tropes page). But to me that comes off as bigoted because he’s basically saying that straight people and gay people automatically act in certain ways, and that therefore the gay pride society would reject any gay man acting like a straight man. As I said before though, I don’t know much about the GLBT community, so I’m not really in the best place to comment on this other than putting my gut feeling on the matter down, which is that he’s being impossibly offensive. Less offensive but still horrifying: Chapter 3 And he [Randy], to his chagrin, was the very last person in line. He tried to get his mind off of standing in line by imagining Mio [hentai anime character] doing her work. “Mio-sama!” called one of her assistants. “There is a great beast ravaging our village! Only you can contain it!” “I’m on it!” Mio, a hyperactive young girl with blonde hair, huge breasts, and next to no clothing was racing into town, determined to stop the beast at all cost. “You there!” she yelled. “I will not allow you to take the life force of the young virgins of this city! I have infinite life force! Take my orifices if you must!” “Mmm,” smacked the beast as he began to pick her up with his mighty tentacles, her clothes ripping into shreds at the very touch of the beast, tentacles plunging deep into every one of Mio’s holes… His fantasy was interrupted by the shriek of a girl standing in front of him. “What the…?”
“Umm…I am not good with English…but…but…” The girl pointed at his pants trembling in fear. “Aw, fuck, I got a boner.” Not embarrassed in the least, he decided to tuck it into the waistband of his jeans. The girl in front of him pouted. “I…didn’t like that…” Her face turned beet-red. “Umm…ummm... sorry…I guess…” He just looked at her; long wavy blonde hair, big blue eyes, fairly large breasts. The way she was twiddling her fingers was adorable, as well as her sheepish gaze towards him and her blushing. And she quite obviously liked the color pink; her whole outfit was pink, from her sweater set to her long floral-print skirt to her shoes. Randy thought to himself that he had found a living, breathing example of moe. More than that, actually; moe perfection, a true blob of moe.
I know “moe” is an anime word meaning “cute” or something, but I just can’t get over “blob.” They thought it was a good idea to call a girl something ending in what dictionary.com defines as “an object, especially a large one, having no distinct shape or definition” (bonus comedy option: definition 4: “a dull, slow-witted, and uninteresting person.”) and they call her this specifically because she’s smokin’ hot.
Someone’s trying to kill me, that’s what’s wrong! I hate it when people do that!
Sexy I mean, I know, it’s MCAC, there’s plenty worse to bitch about, but at least I can see where the other shit comes from (it comes from being a socially maladjusted manchild) but this I just don’t understand in any way.
Moeblob is (used to be?) a derisive term for the kind of “am i kawaii uguu~” characters that make up moe anime. Given how fucked up everyone is in MCAC, I’d wager this was intentional because female nerds are intensely misogynistic, but that’s giving SirPsychoSexy way too much credit.
A moe-blob is actually someone who is moe to the extent of lacking any distinct characterization, actually: not formless physically, but in personality. SirPsychoSexy isn’t attracted to actual blobs, he just happens to associate feminine attractiveness with mindless, subservient, child-like women. So yeah, it comes from being a socially maladjusted manchild.
A Fancy 400 lbs
Moeblob is a derogatory term meaning their character is completely blank besides being stuffed full of moe stereotypes. Lots of delusional otaku/weeaboos just fail to realize that that is in fact a BAD thing.
I can feel the minty fresh toxins... coursing through my veins...changing me!
These posters are correct, Moeblob is basically a character designed to look cute, I think moeblob became a term because their faces just look like cute blobs.
The more I learn, the less I want to know.
Someone’s trying to kill me, that’s what’s wrong! I hate it when people do that!
The Author: SirPsychoSexy
Namtab Mills College Anime Club excerpt: As he picked up his half-smushed meatball sub, he wondered if Nina would be worth the trouble to go out with (she was such a typical tsundere that it seemed like an occupational hazard, mused Randy), and he also wondered how someone who was a German lesbian acted like the stereotype of neither.
The true face of horror
A Rabid Frog
Ho-lee-shit. When I saw his username I thought 'Why does that sound so familiar?' And then I realised - I actually know this guy. About 9 or 10 years ago, I was big into Yuu Yuu Hakusho, and I'd draw pictures of the main characters (g-rated, mostly just head-shots or full body shots with weapons and things) and post them on deviantart (all deleted now - it was terrible stuff from my notebooks when I was 13) and he would favourite and comment on every single one, saying how good they were. I went to his page, and boy was it a mess. This guy couldn't draw at all. I mean, I'm hardly an artist myself, but at 13, I was better than him, and that's saying something. Keep in mind that, back then, this guy was in his 20s, so he must be at least 30 now and he's still drawing like this. He hasn't improved in 10 years. I saw him a lot on livejournal as well, as he was often on the Yuu Yuu Hakusho community page posting his latest Sensui/Itsuki same post. fic and then complaining about yaoi fans in the
I never actually read any of his previous fics, but if they're anything like this story, then I'm quite glad that I haven't. I don't mean like we were good buddies or anything, but we talked on AIM from time to time. I remember one time he called me out and said that I was INCORRECT for writing (what he thought was) a nonJapanese name in hiragana instead of katakana, and he knew this because he was a Japanese translator or something. While I'm not a fluent speaker of Japanese myself, at the time I asked my Auntie Minako, and she said that I had written it correctly. I'm more willing to trust someone who was born in Osaka, and spent their entire life up to their mid-20s in Japan, than some self-proclaimed translator on the internet.
Someone’s Fag Hag Walked In
start of chapter 4: Randy was, to say the very least, bad with languages. Even though his parents emigrated from Mexico, Randy didn’t pick up a word of Spanish besides the names for foods his maternal grandparents prepared for him whenever it was his family went to Mexico. He also had trouble reading English due to having a learning disability when he was younger- he could speak it just fine, but reading it was hell.
Started chapter 4, and this just jumped out at me. I know it’s not particularly offensive, but the thing about learning disabilities is that you’re born with one and it never goes away. Oh, but then it gets worse: He wanted Nina. He wanted Nina bad. He didn’t care that she was a grad student or that she was flat-chested or she was covered in freckles. The instant he got smacked upside the head by her, he fell in love, head over heels. The girl was a perfect tsundere archetype, complete with secret girly hobbies that she didn’t especially like to talk about. Maybe he was going to lose his virginity. Maybe someone could see the real him and not care that he was loud and perverted (which put off female suitors) or that he was bisexual (which seemed to put off male suitors, who thought that he must be gay until the instant someone’s fag hag walked in and he commented on her chest). Yes, German was a weird language that sounded like English on acid, but, in order to get someone to notice him, anyone, especially if said “someone” or “anyone” was Nina, he’d give it a try. Part 1 is the character being based on a TVTropes user, which means that girls avoiding him due to his personality is all the girls fault and nothing to do with him. He has the god given right to be offensive damn it. Part 2 is just in keeping with the author’s seeming homophobia.
Women, He Thought
Cyrai “Renee?” “Huh, what?” She jumped about a foot as she was bolted awake. “I have the soda.” “Did you remember to get diet?” “Fuck diet! No one fucking drinks diet! If I’m drinking soda, give me some god damn sugar!” Renee sulked. “But…I like diet…” Alistair relented; if there was one thing he’d hate to see happen, it would be the President getting angry at him. Sure, he’d never seen her angry a day in his life, but he would hate to press his luck. After all, it was always the nice ones whose toes you didn’t want to step on. “Fine. I’ll get you a twenty-ounce bottle of diet from the food court.” He sulked, dropped the bottles of soda on the table next to the pizza, not caring in his disappointment where they might land. “Make sure you get cherry if they have it!” Renee yelled at him on his way out. “All right.” Alistair walked out of the room, his head hanging down towards his chest. Women, he thought. You can’t figure out whatever it is they want, even if it’s something as simple as soda. Actually, it’s not that hard. She wants a diet cherry soda. You’re just an idiot
Mr. Pumroy So is Alistair supposed to be the protagonist or is he a big whiny manbaby who throws a passive-aggressive shitfit the moment someone asks him to do a simple, reasonable thing that normal people wouldn’t blink twice at? Or is there a difference in tropeland? I mean, I realize a protagonist could be a spoiled infant. Confederacy of Dunces comes to mind (in fact I think Ignatius Reilly would find a very welcome place in TVTropes) but I can’t imagine Alistair there is cut from the same satirical cloth.
I’ll be the bastard lovechild of a listless octoroon if that kid wasn’t the cat that swallowed the canary in a dapper little hat.
Review: It’s Scaring My As To
Cyrai He hoped that the first actual nice thing he had every done for anyone he wanted to sleep with would work out for him, not caring whose last name “Meyer” was or whether he or she was a good instructor of German.
Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha Mr. Pumroy posted: So is Alistair supposed to be the protagonist I’m pretty sure that’s the MtF transexual. I’m not far enough in to tell whether any character is supposed to be ‘good’ That being said, here are the reviews of the shit:
7/21/10 . chapter 1
I’m only to chapter six, and now I’m officially rec’ing it to everyone I know who reads this sort of thing. It’s been making me laugh so hard, and you /know/ how hard it is to find actual funny stuff in the humour section. My stuff isn’t all that funny, either... -is ashamedIt was great, and I look forward to reading more from you! Blaze Moonlight
11/2/09 . chapter 2
These first two chapters were pretty good. Very funny and quite believable. It’s scaring my as to what the Manga Club I attend is going to be like when I go tomorrow. I’ve been missing for a term and we’ve had a change of leader - the rumours I’ve been hearing from original members are scaring me. :) Good luck with your NaNo
I have no idea how it is possible to have such little taste. That second guy said this shit is believable? What the fuck school does he go to?
Mills College Anime Club whole series review by Dear Leader 8th Jan 12
Oh god what.
This story is horrible. It’s very offensive to the LGBT community because the characters are depicted as nothing but people who want sex, sex, and more sex. Never before have I seen a greater understatement. Bravo. comment #12226 setnakhte 8th Jan 12
And only 3 years after it was finished too. Bravo. InShaneee TVTropes Review: It’s very offensive to the LGBT community normal human beings because the characters are depicted as nothing but people who want sex, sex, and more sex emotionally stunted gay anime robots. Fixed.
Hallo Spacedog I read the whole thing. I read the whole thing today. And now I want to die. The quotes people have been posting of Mills College Anime Club here are bad. But it gets worse. At one point, I guess to reach his word quota as it is a nanowrimo project, there is a chapter where almost the whole thing is the lyrics of all the verses of Froggy Went a Courtin’, written out. There’s also a f to m transsexual named Frank N. Dick. Yeah. Be back later, going to have a lobotomy now.
this chaos is killing me
“But I Want Yaoi!” She Started Crying.
Alistair isn’t the protagonist, he’s a Female to Male transexual who’s only character traits are being angry and being elitest about anime. Mike’s the protagonist, as he’s the “straight gay” author insert from the quotes from chapter 1 (where he goes up to try and join a gay pride club made up of the most offensive sterotypical homosexuals possible, who are campaigning against PCs because macs are less homophobic or something). His best friend is a straight girl who really loves Yaoi and constantly fantasises about men sleeping with each other. Chapter 2: Gracie raised her hand from the back row. “Umm, yes, you! With the really thick glasses!” “Will we be watching yaoi?” Another collective groan came from the audience. “I don’t plan on it. However, it doesn’t mean you can watch it on your own time.” “See, I told you,” whispered Mike to Gracie. “Anime clubs tend to have more mainstream interests in anime to please a larger amount of people.” “But…but…I want…YAOI!” She started crying. “Life is nothing without my sweet bishies doing it on a bed of rose petals!” “Would you excuse us? She’s having a moment,” Mike said as he guided Gracie out of the room. “She’s having more than a moment”, Alistair muttered under his breath.
All Anime Girls Are Whores
Vicas NaNoWriMo sucks, because when you actually write a novel in a month it sucks, so much so that even you know it sucks, and suddenly you break that illusion that writing is just wayyyyyy easier than making music or movies or video games because shit, you’re just writing words. It’s another form of escapism. When you actually sit down and start writing your planned trilogy, you realize that things aren’t working out because you aren’t a good writer, and you don’t want to put in the effort because fuck editing, it should have been perfect the first time you wrote it. So obviously your first chapter was bad because you haven’t put enough time into world building and trope choosing. Next time you write that first chapter, it’s gonna be pulitzer material.
Die Maus sagt “Let’s-a go!”
The Triumphant The real problem with Nanowrimo is the people who do it-- it’s incredibly hard to get through alone, but going to any Nano forum or meeting is awful because they’re populated with troper-style people who are useless for criticism and only want praise for their works. Last time I tried to do it and went to the Nanowrimo forums I’d swear that at least 90, 95 percent of the people there were writing fantasy or sci-fi action stories with Mary Sue protagonists, while I was trying to write a WWII novel that actually explored moral and ethical questions.
Yeah, I’ve seen Robocop. Bitches, leave.
The thing is that most writing classes will tell you not to do exactly what Nanowrimo’s about-- you need to sketch out, plan, and design your characters ahead of time. Having motivationless characters, no real plot, and a lack of any escalating tension or emotional engagement aren’t the kind of problems that you can fix in a second draft-- they’re the most important parts of your story and they’re the ones that require the most thought and planning ahead. So Nanowrimo mostly just ends up being a circlejerk for the kinds of writers Tropers are-- people who want to have written but have no skill for writing or even the barest minimum awareness of how to make a story. It looks like writing, and it technically is, but it’s like sitting down at the piano and trying to teach yourself to play by ear and compose a symphony at the same time, and after 30 days you get to call yourself the next Gerschwin.
Pastrymancy In addition, revision is really the key to making your story work. I asked a fairly prolific novelist/short fiction writer at a reading recently and he said that the selection he read is almost indistinguishable from the first draft. Sometimes it takes years to really revise a story well. In revision, you try to play around with the craft that you’ve used within the story. It adds polish and really allows you to know what you’re putting into the final draft. Tropers won’t get to this point, though, because they don’t want to sacrifice all the “cool” shit they put into the rough draft. And they don’t have to, because they’ve got a forum to asspat all the cliche, boring, and formulaic decisions they make in their writing.
Mr. Pumroy I agree that I don’t find it to be very useful. I’ve seen it used as a crutch or excuse, like I’ve had experience with writing clubs inside and outside of my university who got very excited about November coming up because “hey now I can write my novel! Finally!!” like, what was stopping you before, asshole? Was September forbidden? It was more an excuse to meet other people who want to have written and everyone can gush about how exciting their hypothetical works would be, zoning out in front of their laptops and then just opening their browser to fucking youtube or something.
I’ll be the bastard lovechild of a listless octoroon if that kid wasn’t the cat that swallowed the canary in a dapper little hat.
That being said, if someone actually sticks with it, at least they’ll have something. That something may very well be a steaming pile of shit. It most probably will be, actually, but if they’re capable of putting in the kind of commitment to rewrite it. Like. Completely rewrite it, which is a process that should rightly take many, many months if not years then I’d consider it to be a net plus in the end. But if you’re the kind of person who can stick with a novel length project to begin with, you didn’t really need NaNoWriMo in the first place. The whole thing is mostly useful in illustrating how useless it is.
Suddenly, he heard a knock at the door? “Mike! It’s me, open up!” As if this night couldn’t get any worse, Mike thought. He slowly got up from his chair and lurched towards the dorm-room door. “Gracie…what do you want?”
He opened the door to see that Gracie was carrying around a SanDisk drive around her neck. “Mike, look! I downloaded more yaoi!” “Great. Look, Gracie, I’m trying to study here.” She looked confused. “You shouldn’t be studying! You’re gay! You should be out partying and getting high! You know, like the guys on Queer as Folk?” Mike sighed. “How many times do I have to tell you, my grade point average is important to me! Besides, you know I’m not a walking gay stereotype! So why is it you always make me out to be one?” “You’re gay, and I know you.” Mike groaned. “What do you have on the SanDisk?” “I was writing this whole big essay about how Miaka from Fushigi Yuugi should die in a fire. Wanna see?” “No, that’s fine. Like I said, I’ve got to study.” “But…but…she’s in the way of Tamahome and Nakago’s true love! They were destined to be together! Nakago almost raped him!” “Geez, they’re enemies. Not every two guys in anime have to be having sex.” “YES THEY DO! All anime girls are whores!” Gracie turned around and folded her arms, as if to make a point. “Huh?” “All anime girls are whores, and I can prove it! They are taking away the rights of bishounen to love each other! I mean, if they weren’t around, all of them would be all gay on each other and…” “I hate to interrupt,” said Mike, “but it’s not that simple. Straight guys will be straight, no matter how hot you think they are. It’s kind of misplaced to blame the girls.” “Says you!” she spat. “Seriously, do I have to explain this every single time? The reason anime creators put women into their stories is to drive away fans like me, AND to make the story homophobic by making it so you want a guy and a girl to hook up!” “But what if they have chemistry together?” “Mike, you can be so dumb sometimes! Sheesh! I can’t believe you’re actually gay! I mean, you think women are people!” “But they are. And doesn’t that mean you consider yourself a non-person?” “Ummm…”
Mike had gotten to the roots of Gracie’s insecurities. “…If I got a sex change, I could make a waaay better gay man than you!” “Not this again,” mumbled Mike. “You are honestly insulting transgendered people by saying you want to change your sex in order to act out an unrealistic fantasy. These people have suffered their whole lives in the wrong body.” “Dammit, Mike! I don’t know about you! If you weren’t my only friend I’d…” “You’d what? Don’t say ‘kill yourself’ because we all know you would never do it. And I’d never let you do it!” “Oh, Mike! You do care! And you DO want to sleep with me!” While she hugged him, Mike was honestly confused; he had, however, learned to let this slide with Gracie, as her sense of logic wasn’t the strongest one in the world. Funny she was a computer science major then, he thought. Reminder: Mike is the protagonist. Gracie is supposed to be his best friend, despite the fact she’s homophobic as fuck. Troper characterisation Mr. Pumroy Okay nevermind NaNoWriMo is shit this is shit everything is shit.
I’ll be the bastard lovechild of a listless octoroon if that kid wasn’t the cat that swallowed the canary in a dapper little hat.
This Anime Slept With That Anime
He sighed, satisfied that his art homework was done, and turned his attention to his online journal, where he obsessed over his other inspiration for the world to hear, the other man he considered worthy to be called a man besides his father, the anime character for which all of his perverse sexual lust was directed, and the man he aspired to be someday. Char Aznable. Alistair was infamous online for his views on the Red Comet (he joked that Char was called such because that was what he had in his pants), as well for his infamous defense essay of his actions in the Char’s Counterattack movie, in which he argued that the colony deserved to be dropped. He also denounced Char’s countless masked expies as poor imitations of the original, and maintained that Char had slept with Garma Zabi and this fact had been covered up by the television broadcast standards of the 1970’s. Sure, people online thought he should be walking around wearing a tinfoil hat, but they didn’t know him. They didn’t know his connection to Char; they didn’t know how deeply Gundam had impacted his life. And so, he got into countless flame wars online, his ego and obsessive love pushing him forward.
Mills college anime club always delivers. Pigeon Shamus This would almost be perfect if we weren’t meant to sympathise with Alistair. This character would literally fit perfectly into KC Green’s Anime Club, he is that grotesque.
There’s a guard with a pair of swollen testicles who swears you wanted out of here.
Yeah, the stuff right above it is basically him arguing with him mum about his gender (his mum basically thinks of him as a lesbian as opposed to a man), then he remembers his dad and how easy it was coming out as a man to him. Then it’s just “my dad is the only man I respect OTHER THAN THIS ONE GUY FROM AN ANIME” and his section of the chapter finishes with what I quoted. So we get a load of stuff which we could actually feel sympathetic towards the character for, and which a decent author might have dwelled or gone with, but instead it goes from sympathetic stuff to I LOVE ANIME! This happens a lot in this story. Anything which could be considered decent is drowned in anime.
The other half of that chapter is Randy signing up for German lessons to impress that one German girl, and he doesn’t even know what “guten morgen” means. He had to learn German. He had to have Nina give him the time of day. And he’d do anything to have her pay attention to him.
But you know what bugs me even more about these stories? It’s when they do stuff to characterise characters, but they always write more about the scenery or the mundane actions than they do about the characters themselves. 2 Check this out (my apologies for the long boring quote): Due to having to take the bus to the university from their apartment on the other side of town, Nina and Liese arrived at the club room a half-hour early. They made sure it was Lecture Hall 11 that they were going to, and, after checking the room number, they decided to run down to the food court in order to grab some Taco Bell. Unfortunately, when they got there, there was a huge line behind the Taco Bell counter; so huge, in fact, that Nina and Liese could not see how they could ever get food from there in half an hour. They looked around the food court, and saw an appetizing food counter that they could reasonably patronize while getting back to the club room in a decent amount of time. Subway. Sure, Subway sub shops were as ubiquitous as Starbucks here in the States, but for Nina and Liese, they held a powerful sort of nostalgia, as the two of them used to hang out at the Subway on the Grabengasse between seminars at Heidelberg. Nina, at least, had to remember to eat fast, since professors back home didn’t allow any sort of food or drink in their classrooms- unlike many American professors they had had so far. They walked up to the Subway counter, and they both noticed the perpetually scowling elderly woman with the huge mole on her nose who was that day’s sub artist. “Shit,” whispered Nina to Liese in German. “I’ve never seen a mole that big!” “Moley moley mole. It’s kind of cute, the more you say it. But I am worried about her health. She should have a doctor see it...” “For the love of Pete,” spat the old woman, “speak English already! You’re in America, if you haven’t noticed!”
I think this is the point I’m trying to make, but I’m not putting it in the best words. It’s similar to Major Tom writing battles or tropers writing fights, they focus on all the wrong things.
“Yeah, we noticed,” spat Nina back in English. “But that doesn’t mean we have to speak it all the time, especially if we don’t want people to eavesdrop.” She just glared at the elderly sandwich artist. “Well, maybe it’s just common courtesy- some of us don’t want to hear foreign gibberish around here! If you’re in America, talk like an American!” Nina kept on glaring at her, not saying a word. “I know that look in your eyes. You’re a god damn dirty kraut, ain’t ya, kid? Well, we beat your ass in the war when I was a girl! Plus you probably act all high and mighty because you’re the master race and...” “Shut. Up.” Nina, by now, was ready to punch the old woman out. “I’m as ashamed of my country’s past as you are. No one- NO ONE- calls Nina Steinbrenner a Nazi and gets away with it!” “Okay, okay, I give!” said the old woman upon seeing Nina ready her fists. She ran back into the kitchen area, figurative tail tucked between her legs. About a minute later, a younger gentleman popped out behind the counter. “I’m sorry to inconvenience you ladies,” he smiled, “but Mrs. Harper can be harsh sometimes. We keep her on because her husband died recently, and this is her only source of income. Anyway, what do you want?” Liese looked around nervously. “Ich...erm, I want a six-inch turkey on whole wheat.” She had caught herself code-switching as soon as that word came out of her mouth. “And you, Miss?” “I’d like a black forest ham.” “Six-inch or footlong?” “Six-inch.” They both went through the routine of asking whether or not one wanted cheese, toppings, and sauces, and then they asked for a meal for each sandwich. Liese got the double chocolate-chip cookies, and Nina got a bag of chips. “That comes to $12.50.” They paid him, and walked back to the lecture hall.
I’m honestly not sure what this scene was meant to achieve, the only useful bit of information is that Nina doesn’t like being called a nazi, and we were told this back in chapter two. Other than that, it’s literally just the novelisation of a trip to subways.
Interlude: Major Tom
Build Your Own Boat
If people haven’t checked out [TVTrope Member Major Tom’s TVTrope Page on his ongoing novel, Endless Conflict], I recommend you don’t (unless you hate yourself.) Here is the description: Literature: Endless Conflict “Every war ends in time, even supposedly this one.” tagline for the series as a whole
Drink this Now you’re like me.
“Series as a whole.” It is always a fucking series with these people. They never say, I’m going to write something. They’re always building a fucking dynasty. Also, “even supposedly this one.” That is the sentence fragment carved into the gates of Hell. I digress... Endless Conflict posted: In the year 2472 open war has begun between the Starlight Alliance and the Preyaran Daemonyte. As battles in space and on land erupt, the Cold War of the past centuries boils over in a grand struggle to end the Endless Conflict once and for all. Or so the sides hope. Endless Conflict tells the story of Mathias “Mat” Watkins, Tenchi Yamanaka, and a young Terran named Daniel, as they live and fight the final phase of the eponymous conflict to whatever conclusion it may bring. Spanning a planned trilogy, the series begins where it all begins early on for the characters, exploring who they are and why they are that way but then thrusts them straight into the action as the universe drags them straight into the conflict and continues on from there. The series is notable for its Deconstruction of the Space Marine and traditional futuristic military sci while set in a grand Space Opera. Tactics are examined, personalities exposed, and even the lines between sides grows blurred as the story unfolds. Additionally, everything major about the series is planned and created ahead of
time though connecting the major events is largely done on improvisation or freewriting. A labor of several years in the making from a design standpoint, and as of yet still far from finished, Endless Conflict strives to be the best it can be or die trying. If I ever get it finished and/or published that is... This series is also known for playing with as many tropes as it can find. Now, that description links sixteen times to a total of fifteen different web pages. Including such ever-needed things like “the future,” “Cold War,” “Deconstruction,” and itself. Major Tom thought it was necessary for that page to link to itself. Twice. Again, it is a “Planned Trilogy.” He can’t just write one book. I know fantasy/sci-fi is full of Trilogies. But I might remind these nerds that the only two good ones (that I can recall off the top of my head), The Lord of the Rings and Star Wars, were not planned as trilogies. Also note that he insisted on telling us that “everything major about the series is planned and created ahead of time though connecting the major events is largely done on improvisation and freewriting.” Congratulations, Major Tom. My hat is off to you. You have discovered a brand new writing technique that certainly hasn’t been used in writing every novel that wasn’t written by Jack Kerouac. But who wouldn’t expect such earth-shaking (rather, “Terran-shaking”) originality from the man(child) who gives us a protagonist named “Tenchi.” He named a character “Tenchi.” Remember that “Tenchi fights Mathias” thing from earlier in the thread? This is that! That is one of the few things he thought was good enough to show us! Remember, this is a work that is “[striving] to be the best is can be or die trying.” Ladies and gentlemen, it has died trying. Though I may be wrong. Perhaps this is the best it can be. I, myself, wouldn’t expect much from a story that “begins where it all begins.” I just...every sentence is twice as long as it should be...I don’t want to imagine what the actual thing looks like...he’s up to at least, Chapter 17? He’s actually writing it!? ...Why wouldn’t he wait to finish it? Why would he finish it? Why would he start it!? These people are...they aren’t...who would...I...I...what year is it, I just can’t...I can’t...I...
I’m oddly fascinated with Major Tom’s [hypothetical] book. It’s like watching a car-crash that causes a train-wreck that causes a housefire. And he is serious about this. According to this post in Writer’s Block Daily, he is “less than 3000 words from breaking the 100, 000 word boundary.” A few posts down he says, “I’ll probably be somewhere between 150000-200000 words just for the first book. Repeat that across two more and you have the main series.” Bear in mind, he did this when he was (allegedly) serving in the Army. I found a thread from back in January where he posts some passages from it, including the entirety of chapter seventeen. Let’s take a look, shall we? To start, I don’t think he’s posted much of this story outside of that one Shinji-Malachi fight. In fact, I’m not sure he’s posted anything outside of that. So I’m going to assume that these people don’t know much, if anything, about the story. Anywho, he has this to say before busting his toxic load on the forums in a way that could best be described as “Forum Bukkake.” Major “A Danger to Himself and Others” Tom: My most recent writing once again delves into Scenery Porn and if you look closely, you will notice some very fine Character Development going on. With that in mind, let’s keep an eye out for that. Here we go.
Chapter Seventeen: The Flames of War: June 23, 2472: 1213 hours. Elysium City, capital of Elysium colony. “Scorpion Five this is Traveller 2-3, be advised we have eyes on a large concentration of Terran armor headed in your vicinity, how copy over?” “Copy Traveller 2-3, we’re dug in at a large civilian office building, we got eyes on multiple Terran APCs, IFVs, tanks and light tactical vehicles arranged in a dual stacked protective column. Standing by to engage over.” “Scorpion Five to Mantis Actual, requesting fire support for fire mission, rocket artillery barrage at ……. to fire on our mark over.” “Scorpion Five, Mantis Actual. Locust Seven is standing by awaiting your call.” “Copy. Locust Seven this is Scorpion Five we have engaged Terran armor and attached infantry on our position at………questing fire
support for fire mission. Enemy armor and infantry in the open and advancing on our position.” [Editor’s Note: This goes on for a while] “Standing by.” “Mantis Actual, this is Dragonfly 3-6, enemy armor column has been disabled. Target ratio is fifty over one hundred. Returning to base.” So there’s that. I cut some of it out. Why? Because I don’t really want to clutter this up more than I have to, and we don’t know what’s happening anyway. I would like to note that in the Mass Effect, if the player chooses to make their Shepard a “War Hero,” then the character was decorated during the defense of “Elysium.” Maybe I’m grasping at straws, but we know he stole it. And we know it wasn’t from GrecoRoman mythology. Remember to look for Scenery Porn and Character Development: Anzan opened his eyes as the last radio transmission ceased. All around him the white and pink petals of the cherry trees fluttered about in the air as he sat on the bench beneath him. Spring had come to Elysium City just in time for the sakura petals to bloom and fall as they did every year. Today a grey sky pervaded the blizzard of petals amongst the cherry grove here in Elysium City Park and a light rain pattered about the trees pelting each remaining petal with a light tap. This comforted Anzan inside, the light rain dimming the noise of distant battle elsewhere in the city. But the peaceful scene in the cherry grove he knew would not last forever as similar brief bloomings were common in the Antara cherry tree back home. “It is time my son, we are moving.” Swordmaster Khornan said before growing curious of the expression on Anzan’s face. “Are you okay my son?” “Look at them all father. The petals fall like fresh snow all around us, just like spring back home.” Khornan walked over and sat beside his son as the rain and cherry blossoms continued to fall around them, rainwater washing over their blue hair. “Yes. And like back home they carry the message of both birth and death. I greatly fear that one day we will not have enough trees to honor all the dead of this war. But truly this is a wondrous gift to see despite what is says.” “I fear the same will happen too father.” Anzan replied in understanding. “I never told you this much before when you were younger, but I’ve always carried a deep liking for scenes like these. So peaceful
compared to the constant reminders of the eternal conflict around us. Do you know how many Lancers have died in since I became Swordmaster?” “No father.” “Two million, four hundred thirty two thousand, three hundred and two. Every last one of them I keep as a reminder of what my charge as Swordmaster is and the trials even I have yet to come. One day you too may know what it means to be this. But I pray that in your lifetime at least, there shall be the peace honorable warriors like us deserve, if not victory in our hearts at the end.” Khornan stood back up from the bench. “But in the meantime, we must do as we’re needed. Not only for our own honor but to preserve our people’s future.” Anzan stood up next to him. “And that is why we are here on this world. To protect and defend those we swear on our lives and our honor over.” The radio said, “No Anzan, you are the Terrans.” And then Anzan was a zombie. Anyway, about those “sakura petals.” Yeah. My best guess is that he had some sort of Anime-cliche quota. Still, it is nice that this guy got some nice, peaceful spot to...I dunno, listen to the war on the radio. With his eyes closed? and his dad. Who both have blue hair (again, the quota). Oh yeah. That “Character Development” he seems so proud of? That was it. A stilted conversation where a supposed soldier says “Daddy, daddy! Look at the ANIME-Blossums! They look like snow! Don’t they daddy!” And then the dad (we know he is the dad because he is saying “my son” a lot) goes, “Yes my son, this, my son, is tangentially related to death, my son, and as such, the metaphor that refers to death, my son, reminds me of this conflict, my son.” And the blue-haired boy says, “Yes, father I agree with that thing you said too.” Then the dad (who is a “sword master” in a battle where they just repelled armored columns and air attack with AA batteries and rocket artillery) says “I am a noble warrior. I am sad that my lancers died, but it is a responsibility that I am responsible for. Admire me, because I will probably die or turn evil, but right now I am honor.” Then the boy says, “You are honor.” Then they both say “honor” and then they continue their sushi-picnic in the rain.
The Saddest Rhino
Major Tom (eye’m the cutest!) posted: I edited a little detail concerning World Building in my book. Chiefly instead of the Parmagrass M-Tech carrying a 105mm anti-armor particle cannon embedded in a heavy kite shield that makes up what would be the right arm, I upgraded it to a 200mm. Which means the Buster Rifle introduced later (which was originally a 200mm weapon) is going to go to my alternate plan of being a 600mm weapon.
so many tears
Hey, the mechas are 5 meters tall and ridiculously well-armed to in part compensate for how expensive (and possibly impractical) they are compared to say main battle tanks. So why not give them incredibly beefy guns capable of shredding tanks or even starships? (The Buster Rifle is capable of piercing a destroyer’s armor in space at a full charge with a well placed hit. The second book’s counterpart the Buster Rail is similar in practice.) The next page is full of gun trivia and what sort of gun is used during infantry etc. I think the guns are the characters. I was going to further quote Major Tom and some tropers discussing how to effectively gun their gun stories there are too many gun discussions which honestly gun. Gun. Gun. So here’s a gun. http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=13019657770A4 7264600&page=318
Build Your Own Boat
One of the most hopeless aspects of troper-shit-fic, aside from the obvious quality problems is the whole issue of “intended audience.” In theater, it’s called the “target audience” or “target demographic.” You look at all the people who have come to your plays in the past, and the people who live in the area. Then you look at your current play, and see what will or will not appeal to those people. You also have to look at people not in those groups, and find ones that the play would appeal to. Or, find out how to make it appeal to them. There you have your “target audience.” Once you’ve found them, you have to tailor the play, without greatly altering the over-all mood and theme. How much swearing can you have? How much (if at all) can you say “Fuck” and “Shit?” What about “Cunt.” Can their be gore? How about nudity? If it is necessary, then you have to keep it. But then you need to get rid of all the other stuff. You also have to look at story and plot stuff. How do they feel about long dramatic scenes? How do they feel about fast action scenes? How
Drink this Now you’re like me.
do they feel about tragic scenes? How do they feel about comedy? Downplay their dislikes, and accentuate the things they do like. If something they don’t like isn’t necessary, you can cut it entirely. If the play itself won’t appeal to the audience, then you shouldn’t do that play. The point is, you tailor the work to the audience. Not to the artist. Nowhere in there did I mention what the director or the producer or the cast/crew wanted. They aren’t important. What’s important is the audience. You have to take their interests into consideration. Every major writer did this. Homer, Virgil, Chaucer, Dante, Shakespeare, Cervantes...they wrote books for the audience. Not themselves. Tropers like Major Tom write for themselves. Major Tom is interested in what gun is a 200mm or whatever. I don’t care. I want to see a big dramatic space opera. I want to see interesting characters in interesting locals doing epic stuff that affects the whole universe. I don’t care if they’re doing it with a TV remote. And, while there is certainly an audience out there that cares about that stuff, they aren’t really a big market. And you don’t care about them anyway. You just want to make people shoot big guns. That’s it. You’re just playing pretend with a pen, and that isn’t writing.
Namtab I’d say Major Tom’s audience isn’t just himself. He also writes for fellow TVT forum members who never let him know when he’s made a bad choice because they are also working on their own terrible stories. It’s less individual masturbation and more of a group orgy, wherein no member dares criticise the work of another lest his own work be criticised and that brings their house of cards tumbling to the ground.
The true face of horror
Mr. Pumroy Major Tom posted: Some Other Troper posted: You mean to say you receive criticism in the first place? I always feel like I don’t have enough, harsh or sugarcoated :| Me in a nutshell. The only critiques have been towards typos and grammar goofs on my end. Rarely has it been “your story/scene sucks/kicks ass, here’s how to improve/don’t change it at all”.
I’ll be the bastard lovechild of a listless octoroon if that kid wasn’t the cat that swallowed the canary in a dapper little hat.
I like this quote in light of all the “Wow everything Major Tom writes is bad” posts here.
___: Paedophile anime. Defended as having a “deep psychological story” as well as “lots of fanservice”
Loli means underage anime girls who look about 10. Shota means underage anime boys who look about 10. Ephebophile means wanking over underage teens instead of children. Tropers are sick fucks.
Gravy Fighter Haruhi Is Still Crap and You Know It
Hey the next bit of MCAC (I’m fed up of typing that stupid long name) references rape. Context: Gracie is still a yaoi fangirl stereotype and just complained about a popular anime having a female protagonist which will encourage “het shippers” This, Mike reminded himself, is why he was gay. Yeah, he wasn’t the kind of gay man to point and go, “Eww, fish!” and cower in the corner like a startled fawn every time he saw a vagina. Heck, he thought that the human genitalia were, in objective terms, equalopportunity grossness, but he was interested nevertheless in their anatomy and physiology, and this, along with having his mothers inspire him, made him aspire to be a gynecologist when he got into medical school. But the female mind was another matter entirely. Mike had been friends with Gracie most of his life, and he still didn’t understand the way she thought; it was funny that women and men were so similar and yet so different. If he could magically understand women’s minds and emotions, he’d turn at least bisexual overnight. Of course, he’d never tell Gracie that, or she’d probably end up raping him.
This middle sentence (the one about turning “at least bisexual”) came out mildly offensive. Basically Mike and Gracie meet a trans-woman, who Gracie starts off thinking she’s a man, and then carries on thinking that. The new character doesn’t mind because she’s a lesbian and Gracie’s greasy hair and milkbottle glasses are apparantly a huge turn on for her. Finally, Alistair is still Alistair “I told you, Renee, I don’t want to see this garbage!” Alistair spat as he sat down in the professor’s chair. “But it’s what everyone else wants to see. Don’t be a spoil-sport. I hate to say it, but you’re that much too often.” “Phhtt, shows what you know,” he muttered. “If I’m the President of this club, that shows I know something,” she stated calmly, her natural even-temperedness calming down her anger. “Point taken. But I’ve the Vice-President. And I should have power of veto.” “Alistair…don’t make me angry…” “Okay, okay! Jesus! The last thing I want is to piss off a perpetually nice person; that’ll never end well!” Alistair had conceded defeat. “Just out of curiosity, have you seen Gravy Fighter Haruhi?” “…No. But I don’t need to see something to know whether or not it’s a flaming pile of shit.”
“Alistair…you’re inscrutable.” “Yeah, I know. I should take up cross-stitch so that there’s this dorky-looking sign on my dorm room door that says ‘ALISTAIR HOWARD IS INSCRUTABLE’, surrounded maybe by a cross-stitch house with a smoking chimney next to it, and maybe a sun and bluebirds…” He smiled evilly at Renee. She just looked off into the distance. “Oh, yeah, and I should add ‘…AND IS A BASTARD-COATED BASTARD WITH BASTARD FILLING’ to the end of that, if I have room. It’d give it a touch of class.” “You always turn people’s insults upside down,” observed Renee calmly. “I live for insults. Insults are like manna from heaven for me. It’s as if people think I’m so awesome that they can’t think of anything nice to say about me, they’re so overpowered by my awesomeness, and so they have to call me a doody-head or something. At least that’s what I always thought with my mom and my sister. And the people online. And…well…pretty much everyone, except for you.” “I could never insult you. You know that.” “All too well. ‘Inscrutable’ is the worst you could do.” “I’m rooting for you. I know your mom is being a bitch towards you, but you know what? Life is like that. Sometimes we just have to ignore everything and put a big old smile on our face. God would want ti that way.” “I don’t believe in God,” Alistair hissed. “That’s fine, but I do. And the reason I’m so nice to everyone, besides it being a general part of my personality, is because I want to set an example for people to follow. It’s not fair that my religion gets singled out for being homophobic hatemongers and general jerks. I am trying to do what Jesus really would have done, not what the Pharisees would have done and just copy and paste Jesus’ name onto it. I mean, Jesus hung out with lepers and prostitutes, fed the hungry, rewarded the meek…what part of that says ‘jerkass powerhungry prideful scum’? Sometimes I’m ashamed to be Catholic, but then I remind myself that I’m helping the world become a better place. You know?” “I guess.” Alistair shrugged. “I always hated religion. It didn’t go well for me. All I saw was a bunch of strictures placed so that I could jump over them.” “To each their own, I guess,” said Renee. “According to some priests, I shouldn’t be running this anime club. And that’s just sad.” “Whatever. Gravy Fighter Haruhi is still crap and you know it.” “I’m not going to argue anymore. Take it to some message boards.” “Okey doke. You’re the boss.”
Alistair logged on to one of his favorite message boards on the computer at the front of the lecture hall, and started the therapeutic process of starting flame wars, some based on Gravy Fighter Haruhi, some based on Gundam, in the twenty minutes before the club meeting started. Again I want to point out that every character only has one character trait and the author’s style of writing is Mazed This shit needs a live dramatic reading. Religious debate because they disagree about their animes! This is definitely what people want to read about, and this is absolutely how real people talk and interact. Yep. . And I still have 24 more chapters until I’m free .
permian tree troll is always right behind you cannot get extinct
Didja Redjo If you say so.
Okay, it turns out “manna” is a valid spelling, and my intentional mispronunciation wasn’t warranted there. But still.
My sole regret from doing this was that there weren’t more dramatic readings.
Some Girls Are More Appealing Flat
As for chapter 7. I’ll just post it in its entirety. It’s very boring so I’ll bold the only bit that’s actually important. Liese looked at her watch, and then gripped the bag the sub and cookies were in with both hands, being careful to also not spill the drink. “Crap,” she announced in German, “we’re five minutes late! We’ve got to hurry!” So Nina and Liese ran as fast as they possibly could towards the lecture hall, clutching their Subway orders in both hands to prevent them from flying away from the momentum of their running. “You know what? I feel like Lola”, quipped Nina. “Yeah,” panted Liese. “Except instead of getting 100,000 marks to some crime lord, we’re getting sandwiches to an anime club meeting.” “It still feels like life or death,” joked Nina. “Oh, dear…I have to slow down…” Liese grinded to a halt; she didn’t plan on having to run in high heels and a skirt. “You okay?” Nina bent over, a concerned look in her eye, and patted her friend on the back. “If I remember correctly, the lecture hall building is just to the right. So we’ll be kind of okay if we walk.” “I guess so.” They both spent some time catching their breath before Liese said, “I wonder how good the subtitles will be in English?” “I don’t know, but I know your German ones are very good.” “Nina, you don’t speak a word of Japanese.” Liese smiled and giggled. “But…thanks for the compliment anyway.” “Anytime.” They continued walking towards the lecture hall building; Liese stopped and looked down at the ground, a thought bubbling up in her head that she had always pushed back down whenever it popped up. It was times like these that reminded her why she was stupidly, foolishly in love with her straight best friend. Nina was tough as nails on the outside, being a huge Neue Deutche Härte fangirl and religiously collecting all of the CD’s from Rammstein, Eisbrecher, Stahlhammer, and the like; she had a green belt in karate and would stop at nothing to beat the crap out of anyone who pissed her off; and she was just so admirable in so many ways to Liese, ever since they had gotten to
know each other back in ninth grade at Gymnasium. Her mind always fixated on that one time that Nina had saved her from the constant torment she had suffered under the brutal regime of a bully named Ludwig. Nina had caught him beating her up that one time, and she had made it so that his bowels were blocked up for weeks, and he had to eat all his food through a straw. Sure, Nina was punished, but Liese felt a debt of gratitude towards her savior, which, as they grew into even closer friends, blossomed into a one-sided love that she was exceedingly embarrassed to tell her best friend about. But it wasn’t just Nina- Liese felt the most attracted to straight women, just as straight men felt intensely attracted to her. She should just quit right now and depend on yuri for all of her cute-girl needs, because her love life wasn’t going to fix itself anytime soon. “Hey, Liese, are you feeling better? Hello?” “Yeah.” “Are you thinking about Nagisa Iwai again? I’ll never get J-pop, but I don’t feel bad if you think she’s cute…” Liese’s face turned bright red, and she began twiddling her fingers. “Umm, yeah, Nagisa.” “You’re just stoked to hear her voice again, right? I mean, she does play Haruhi…” “It’s her first voice-acting role.” Liese looked up at Nina and smiled. “Well, come on, let’s go then!” They resumed walking to Lecture Hall 11 without further incident.
Pretty shit short chapter, right guys? Also is that a holocaust reference near the top or an anime reference? The Triumphant The “Lola” line is a reference to Run Lola Run, because GERMANY I LOVE GERMANY DID YOU NOTICE? (It’s also wrong, since Lola is trying to get 100,000 marks to her boyfriend. Also, how the hell are they having an involved conversation while running as fast as they possibly can?)
Yeah, I’ve seen Robocop. Bitches, leave.
Nina and Liese walked into the club room; despite being late, they seemed to have come in at a decent time, as the anime hadn’t started yet, and Renee wasn’t there. Their minds
were interrupted by the cacophony of one hundred or so otaku talking about their favorite shows, debating which characters could defeat which in a fight (Goku versus Superman? Haruhi Suzumiya versus Washuu Hakubi?), and one pair in the corner talking about the anatomical gifts of various female characters, of which Nina and Liese recognized one member: Rodrigo Alvarez, aka “Randy”. He had come into the university with that nickname, and, from what the two Germans could gather, it suited him all too well. All he seemed to be interested in, day in and day out, was anatomy, usually female, but he’d also lapse into talk about penises as well- and, if anyone dared to listen, about how much he’d like to suck certain ones. Today was a purely “boob” day, though. “Rangiku Matsumoto? Those are some fucking choice titties right there,” lisped his companion as he straightened out his bleached hair with a blue streak in it. “Lance, Lance, Lance, my friend,” said Randy calmly, “if you want to talk about Bleach, Orihime’s where it’s at! I mean, not only does she have an awesome rack, but she’s a really nice girl!” “We aren’t talking about attitude here,” Lance spat back, “we’re talking about titties! I don’t really care how the girl acts as long as she’s stacked! I like me a nice handful- or more!” “Yeah, me too, but you’ve got to admit, there are certain girls out there who look waaay more appealing because they’re flat. Speaking of Bleach, Soi Fon for example. Her lack of chest is one of her charm points, for crying out loud!” “No, her charm point is that she wants Yoruichi as her own personal pussy.” Randy guffawed. “In more ways than one.” Randy’s raucous laughter caused Lance to giggle in a high-pitched voice like a junior-high-school girl who had just breathed in the contents of two helium balloons. “Hee hee…” “Anyways, as I was saying, there are girls out there who are hot because they’re flat. A lot of them have lots of junk in the trunk to make up for it. Plus, if I may quote Lucky Star’s Konata- which I think was also a quote from somewhere else, I don’t know- ‘A flat chest is a STATUS SYMBOL! Extremely RARE and VALUABLE!’” Nina had overheard the last part of the conversation; she was shocked to find out that Randy also thought there were flat-chested women like herself that he found attractive. For some reason, she felt herself cry a few tears of joy. “What’s wrong, Nina?” Liese asked in German. “Nothing…” “Okay.” Liese walked further into the room, at which point the idle otaku chatter died down, and every straight man in the room turned to look directly at her.
“Holy crap, would you look at that?” yelled one. “She is SO fucking moe!” yelled another. “She’s a blob of moe! I know, let’s call her ‘Moeblob’!” shrieked a third. “I want to see her in a maid outfit!” yelled a fourth. “No, a Playboy bunny outfit!” screeched a fifth. “I can beat you all,” confidently stated a sixth. “I want to see her as…NIA TEPPELIN!” A few male voices from the back screamed out in unison. “HOLY SHIT, she is Nia!” The second gentleman rallied his troops. “Hold her down! I’ll get the cosplay!” As the gaggle of nerdy college men charged towards her, Liese was much too overwhelmed by the stampede to do anything but shout at them, and, in her distress, all that could come out of her mouth was one choice word in her native language: “NEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNN!” “Huh?” said the first man. “Moeblob speaks German? This has to be impossible.” “Yeah,” said the third gentleman, “‘German’ and ‘moe’ are inherently contradictory!” They quieted themselves down, terrified of what she might to do them. “It causes me anguish,” she stated in English, “I am from Germany. And…ummm…how do you say it…I am a lesbian.” “She’s a German?” “And a lesbian?” “And yet she acts like neither one!” “What the hell is going on here? It’s like the universe has rejected its own laws!” Why would anyone want to join this anime club I don’t understand it. MrBims I still have yet to garner any intelligible reason for this thing’s existence! Is there really a demand for writing in the genre of “offensive strawmen discuss anime and being gay”?
*GC 3Y3S THE B34ST HUNGR1LY 4ND M1GHT1LY*
How Does Haru-chan Eat That Much Gravy and Still Stay Skinny?
Mazed If you imagine this as they probably are, as some kind of spastic, poorly-drawn, overacted anime in itself, then you might start to get an idea of what they’re going for, and why they think there’s some kind of point to it. That said, it doesn’t make it any less stupid.
permian tree troll is always right behind you cannot get extinct
Honestly, if this was just a story about an anime club, it’d just be dumb troper fiction. The thing that makes it terrible is the fact that every main character is a two-dimensional homosexual stereotype and the author is himself gay. Even now this is the thing that amazes me the most about this story. Diablocon “What’s wrong, Nina?” Liese asked in German. I dunno, but this line also just rubbed me the wrong way. Was a quick visit to babelfish just too much to translate a simple sentence?
If this “author” has ever even set foot into Germany or spoken to a real German for more than 5 minutes I will eat my hat.
It’s even worse. The author is actually employed as a translator and claims to be fluent in German, Spanish and Japanese. Leofish
100% of your Recommended Daily Intake of Leo. Now with a tangy seafood flavor!
I like that Googling “Nagisa Iwai” only brings up more Mills College Anime Club. So I’m secretly hoping he’s also getting his anime voice actor references wrong. Along with everything else. Also all Germans love Rammstein. How very German of this character, to like the only German bands the author knows.
Gravy Fighter Haruhi isn’t a real thing, Nagisa Iwai isn’t a real VA. I assume that the show is meant to be a parody of magical girl shows, and Nagisa Iwai is just a Japanese sounding name being used as the VA for this show.
To demonstrate, let’s take a look at Gravy Fighter Haruhi, as part 2 of this chapter is pretty much the script to it. “My name is Haruhi Nakada. I’m 14 years old and am in my third year of junior high. I’ve always wanted to be a hero, since there’s so much injustice in the world. But right now, I’m in bed.” The camera pans in on a girl with bobbed brown hair, her body clearly tucked underneath the covers. Next to her is a Colonel Sanders alarm clock, which is ringing incessantly. “Oh, crap, it’s Monday…and I’m so tired…” She gets up, opening her bright green eyes, and grabs the alarm clock. Her face fills with shock as she announces: “Oh dear, I’m going to be late for school!” She runs into her blue-and-white sailor fuku, grabs the yellow kerchief, ties it around her neck, puts on her shoes and socks, grabs a yellow headband and puts it on, grabs her bag, and runs out the door in record time as she grabs a slice of toast with her mouth and hastily waves good-bye to her father. “I’m off!” “Have a nice day!” says her father without lifting his eyes from the newspaper. “Hey Dad,” says her younger brother, “how come she’s so fast every morning?” “She has willpower, Shingo. She has willpower.” Haruhi runs to her school like a madwoman, her legs seemingly going in circles as she runs. Suddenly, she stops: she has reached her destination, Soramame Junior High. The bell rings: “ping-pon-ping-pon; ping-pon-pin-pon”, and Haruhi knows she’s late. Again. She hesitantly walks up to her homeroom, Class 3-2; she is extremely tired, and fears Iwato-sensei’s strict reprimands. She opens the door ever-so-slightly and… “Nakada-kun! You’re LAAAAAAAATE!” “I am so very sorry Sensei,” she says, getting down on her knees and bowing deeply. “Please forgive me!” “This is the fifty-seventh time in a row you’ve been late, Nakada-kun!” he yells, his eyes piercing into her soul. “Go stand in the hallway with this water bucket”-he hands it to her“and don’t come back in until I tell you to!” “Yes, sir.” She meekly wanders into the hallway, her classmates laughing at her, her arms dragging down from the weight of the bucket filled with water. Her tears are so prodigious it seems as if they’re twin waterfalls. She waits the whole period Iwato-sensei is teaching math; this is why she’s failing said
subject, because she’s late almost every day and Iwato-sensei has a prodigious temper that won’t let anyone get past him. She gets punished repeatedly by him, but a part of her admires Iwato-sensei; he has the sense of justice that she’s been seeking her whole life. Haruhi wanted nothing more than to be a hero, to be a pillar of justice, to actually have people respect her instead of yelling at her for being stupid or lazy. When Matsumoto-sensei walks in to teach English, she knows that her punishment is over. She takes the pail back into the classroom and takes her seat, to which she promptly falls asleep in class, dreaming about how she could save the world. After school is her favorite time. Every day, she walks to the local Kentucky Fried Chicken with a group of her friends, just to eat her favorite food: gravy. She loves the Colonel’s gravy, more than life itself, sometimes more than her dad and her kid brother. She orders a meal, and pours all of her friend’s cups of gravy all over it, covering every square inch of her platter in the stuff. “How does Haru-chan eat that much gravy and still stay skinny?” asked one. “I don’t know, but watching her eat is kind of hypnotic,” said the other as Haruhi stuffs her face, wildly grabbing at utensils and chicken legs, gobbling down everything as if she were a starving wolf. A girl from a different junior high, wearing a dark green sailor fuku with white bandanna and trim, her purple hair tied in twin plaits and her blue eyes somewhat hidden behind glasses, walks up behind Haruhi and yelled: “NAKADAAA!” Haruhi jumped a foot before turning around and seeing who it was. “Youko Katsuragi-san?” “The same! And I would not be bragging about how much I could eat, Nakada! This is a food war! A FOOD WAR! And I shall be supreme!” She lifted her tilted right hand up against her face and let out a laugh: “Ohohohoho!” “You’re just a wannabe,” yells Haruhi. “You wanna bet? Huh? Do you feel lucky? In the name of Hanazono Girl’s Academy, I will defeat you in alimentary combat! And don’t think you can run away from me! You may win against someone else,.. But I will be the only one allowed to defeat you!” “You’re such a pain,” moans Haruhi. “Let’s go”, suggests one of Haruhi’s friends. They get up and leave the restaurant, leaving Youko behind in a fit of angry yelling. On the way home, Haruhi hears something in the bushes- a quiet beeping noise.
Ever curious, she stops to check what it is. Crawling into the bush, she retrieves a baby-doll-sized robot that looks much like a blue panda. Upon her touching it, the robot immediately activates. “Hello, Haruhi Nakada-san.” “How…how do you know who I am?” “You have been chosen to be a warrior of justice,” drones the robot. “I have been sent here from the planet Betanomo to find a human that is worthy- and that you are she.” “What do you mean?” she asks. “Humans do not know of this yet,” the robot continued, “but the residents of Planet Betanomo are sad because their queen has died. In accordance with intergalactic law, there must be a tournament held in which the remaining one-hundred and eight princesses vie for the throne, and, according to this rule, the fighters on the princess’ behalf must be recruited from outside of the Betanomo star system, since the princesses are not proficient in this sort of combat.” “What sort of combat?” “You will gain the mystical abilities of your favorite foods once you accept this proposition and name me. I will instruct you from there in how to fight.” “This is weird…but on the other hand, it’s so cool!” “Thank you. I have been sent here on behalf of Princess Lemon- just so you know for whom you are fighting.” “‘Lemon’? Is that short for ‘spirit-beast monster [reijuu monsutaa]’?” asks Haruhi. “No, it’s lemon. Like the fruit native to your planet.” “Ohhh…” “So…will you give me a name?” Haruhi thinks to herself for a minute. “You look like a panda…so Pan-chan!” “I am Pan-chan,” repeats the robot. “Your contract has been fulfilled. Now you can go and use your powers of gravy to fight for the queendom of Betanomo!”
I like how he can pull out “reijuu monsutaa” and yet the only place Haruhi can get her gravy is from a KFC.
Like, I don’t get the point of this scene at all, it’s literally just him jamming as many anime cliches into a story as possible and calling it a day. No description of the characters or the scenery. I literally know more about what the uniform looks like than what she looks like. Literally anything could improve this half of the chapter, even having Alistair react to it. To carry on, there is absolutely nothing in chapter 9 other than more anime cliches. Then this quick exchange: “So…wasn’t that great, everyone?” said Renee. “One of the best shows of this new season.” “It hurt my eyeballs to watch it,” hissed Alistair. This was only half of the truth; in Alistair’s mind, he thought it was so absolutely horrible that he had to go on watching it, if only to criticize how mind-searingly horrible it was. “So, the meeting is adjourned. Everyone, have a nice week!” Renee started packing up her things as everyone raced out of the club room.
Alistair is so one-dimensional it hurts, even with his backstory. Ugh, this anime shit is so cliche. I wasn’t aware it was possible to parody something in so boring a manner. Oh hey it’s chapter 10 and Alistair is already addicted to it and just can’t admit he likes it. Just like how all internet nerds secretly love everything they insult. Just to clarify, I don’t love MCAC. Sorry to disappoint.
ThatPazazu Alistair seems to be hissing more than talking. I would totally read this if there was a subplot of Alistair slowly becoming an anaconda.
THE TIGER IN SPACE
Rakugoon The work suddenly becomes a literary masterpiece if you imagine Alistair as Max Shreck.
~If only Kircheis were here~
She’s Not Really a Lady. She Has a Wiener.
Chapter 10 was boring, just Alistair watching the anime he claimed to hate and Randy sucking at german. Chapter 11 on the other hand... “Hey, Mike, I got something to tell you!” Gracie barreled down the hall, her body overcome with enthusiasm. She had removed her glasses since she had met Missy, and had them replaced with contact lenses, which showed off her rich brown eyes. “Don’t tell me. You’re going out with her.” “If you mean my hot yaoi stud on a motorcycle, then yes,” chirped Gracie. “She’s not a guy. I don’t know how I can hammer it into your head that she’s not a guy. I’ve been telling you that since yesterday, and you won’t believe me.” “If she’s not a guy, why does she have a penis?” “Gender is in the brain. It’s a neurological function. Remember we learned that in health class?” Mike yawned. “Besides, she passes so well, that if you go out anywhere and say, ‘This is a man on my arm’, people are going to look at you like you’ve escaped from an insane asylum.” “She can’t possibly be a girl! She’s too awesome!” Gracie pouted. Mike sighed. “Not this again. Women, cis or trans, are as awesome as men are. My moms have been telling me that since I was a little boy, and, from what I’ve seen, I believe it.” “But...women...get in the way of my existence...” She sobbed some more. “Listen, if all women were to fall off of the face of the earth, you’d go with them. And I’d never get a job after med school. Are you okay with that?” “But...but I wouldn’t dissappear...” “Mike groaned. “Yes you would. All women. No exceptions. Now would you really be okay with dying just so men could live out your fantasy?” “Ummm...I don’t know...sort of...” She twiddled her thumbs. “Plus, remember what I told you? Gay men don’t want to be women. We don’t openly hate on women unless, like straight men, we’re complete assholes.” “Okay...” “I think you’re going to be late for your date with Missy. It’s already ten to seven.”
Gracie looked at the alarm clock in Mike’s room. “Yeah, I guess I should get going.” “See you later,” he said as she shut the door.
Gracie is seriously the worst character. Gracie followed Missy into the restaurant, staring at all the woodblock prints, lanterns, and maneki-neko affixed to the walls. But one thought, and one though alone, invaded her mind: If this was a Japanese restaurant, where was the yaoi? And if there was yaoi, how did they..erm...serve it? Did bishounen get naked on a bed or raw fish, or maybe soba noodles? Were there hot guy-on-guy woodblock prints on the walls? Were the waiters at least bishounen...and, most importantly, did they sparkle like Edward Cullen on acid?
And also the most one-dimensional. “So...Kuramayama?” “Yeah, it means Mount Kurama,” Missy smiled. “This restaurant read my mind! Of course I want to mount Kurama! That red hair...those green eyes...those kinky plants...” “I see what you did there,” Missy interrupted. “Thought you could get a Yu Yu reference past me, eh?” Gracie smiled and laughed. “Maybe.” “I’ve seen basically every anime known to man- IN JAPANESE, WITHOUT SUBTITLES- so you’d have to wake up pretty early in the morning to beat me!” Gracie just stared at her. It was as if she were looking at a god of some sort, a fountain of infinite wisdom. The waitress came back. “Your drinks, ladies.” Gracie looked at the waitress, pointed to Missy, and said, “She’s not really a lady. She has a wiener.” The waitress chuckled, wiping tears from her face as she began to laugh harder and harder. “Oh, the ‘lying-about-your-friend-being-a-tranny’ bit never gets old! You’re so adorable!” Gracie just glared at her, whereas Missy just smiled, partially embarassed, and partially relieved that she passed so well that the waitress thought Gracie was cracking a joke. ...They order food...
Missy took a sip of her tea. “You know, if you can’t handle me identifying as a woman, you should dump me. Or at least keep me as a friend. Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt, hon.” “But I thought...you were a gay boy who liked women...” “You honestly sound retarded saying that.” Missy laughed, putting her hand u to her face to prevent herself from choking on her tea. “Has anyone told you that ‘gay’ and ‘transgender’ are two completely different beasts?” “Yeah, Mike...” “Mike’s trying to be nice to you. He’s a nice guy and I agree with what he’s trying to do. The truth hurts sometimes. Gay guys aren’t sparkly bishounen with invisible penises and selflubing rear ends. There isn’t such a thing as ‘seme’ and ‘uke’, and a male-bodied person who wants to be treated like a woman is a trans girl. Like me.” Gracie sarted crying, and ran out of the restaurant, trying to find a nearby bus stop in order to get back to campus.
This whole chapter just serves to bluntly force the point that Gracie really fucking loves gay men and doesn’t know what transsexuals are. Shwoo So tonight I did a reading of chapter 11, the one where Gracie goes on a date with Missy. I don't have a lot of recording experience, so I hope it's listenable.
So so far we have 8 characters: Mike: Gay man, has a homophobic best friend. The only real thing he’s done so far is be put in a conversation with homosexual stereotypes in order to show off how most of the gay community sucks in the author’s eyes or something. Other than that he’s just there to try and stop Gracie being homophobic. Gracie: Straight woman. Really fucking loves yaoi. Actively hates women due to thinking that they get in the way of gay sex. Now dating a trans-woman who she keeps calling a gay man. Suprisingly Missy seems cool with this. The worst character in a story with terrible characters. Missy: Lesbian trans-woman. I’m guessing she exists purely to teach Gracie a lesson about tolerance. Why she hasn’t knocked Gracie out already I’ve no idea. HAS SEEN EVERY
ANIME IN JAPANESE WITHOUT SUBTITLES . The best female character because she has yet to do anything offensive or retarded, other than date Gracie. Renee: A girl. Insanely calm. Did she mention she’s religious but not like all those hateful religious people? Alistair: Trans-man, I can’t remember his sexuality. He’s the best male character so far because he’s the only one who causes any kind of real conflict, even if it is on online message boards and also really shittily written. He pretty much exists to be a dick to people. Randy: Bisexual man. Exists solely to sexually harass people. Currently taking german class in order to lose virginity to german girl. Second worst character. Nina: Straight girl. Exists solely to give Randy some form of motivation. In both her scenes she’s been called a nazi and shouted at someone. It is a plot point that she is flat-chested Liesse: Lesbian girl. Exists solely to be sexually harassed by everyone. Teaches German. Seems to do nothing else other than hang around Nina feeling sorry for herself. On rereading the story I found out that Liesse and Nina are 6 years older than the other characters (so at least 24 years old). Just bear that in mind as you read this. Why am I reading this again? On rereading these quotes I’m reminded of someone’s post in the second thread about why it’s not the best idea to keep replacing “said” with other things. Mike “sighed”, Mike “yawned”, Mike “groaned”. Mike didn’t lock his door Groghammer You remember the lisping guy Randy was arguing with a few chapters ago? He’s a recurring character whose shtick is being an extremely heterosexual guy who acts flamboyant to attract fangirls. And if you couldn’t guess, he actively competes with Gracie for the prize of “worst character in the story”.
I don’t remember that guy at all. If it makes you feel better, pretend I said there’s 8 plot relevant people so far. The fact that I couldn’t remember and had to look him up should make you feel very ashamed seeing as I did that chapter only yesterday. His name is Lance.
There is characterization in this story?
Yeah. I punched out Adolf Hitler 200 times.
There is not. bobkatt013 So far it seems like something that people like Santorum will use as proof of the “gay menace”
Yeah. I punched out Adolf Hitler 200 times.
I’m more menaced by the author than any of the characters. A gay man wrote this shit.
TVTropes why won’t you just die
Yeah. I punched out Adolf Hitler 200 times.
Diablocon I think I know what I’m putting as my tagline!
“She’s not really a lady. She has a wiener.” TV Tropes, producing the world’s finest writers.
A Lesson about Tolerance (Not Really)
Octatonic Namtab posted: Why am I reading this again? You know, I was going to write a half-hearted post about how despite everything, this guy has managed not to write completely awful trans characters but then I took a step back. There are no characters in Whatever-College Anime Club. Missy and Mike aren’t characters, they’re soap boxes. Gracie, Nina and Randy are straw men. Alistair is a mouthpiece for the author’s ~opinions about anime~. Every person in this “novel” demonstrates the worst sort of design. Characters designs are a nothing more than a series of bullet points: Sexuality/Gender Identity, Favorite Anime, and One and only one other opinion. They exhibit no depth or personality beyond their stereotype, refuse to engage in any real or meaningful conflict and utter fail to exhibit even the beginnings of character arcs or growth so far. This whole endeavor is a great example of why TVTropes is a bad resource for writers. By breaking down everything into “this is a thing that happens in fiction” you isolate personalities, plot, and drama from their context. The best writing springs up organically, then is ruthlessly pruned. If there’s anything with soul in troper writing, it’s lost in horrible twisted thickets of meaningless bullshit. There could be a story here about Real Queer Peopletm vs The Anime, but it’s being strangled to death by miles of excess words. The only way to save the metaphorical rose garden is to take a rototiller to it. It also pisses me off that there are no paragraphs here. None. Every Sentence has its own line. Nice and double spaced, just crying for attention. It’s just like the characters. Soulless bullet points.
He was capable to do you in: brutal, healthy, no principles, and wrote on commission.
That’s how the highest form of literature, the Japanese light novel, does it!
I read through that anime story. Some stuff happens, then more stuff happens, then it just stops. The character I can remember who really had a character arc was Alistair, which went something like this Alistair is phoned by his dad Alistair’s dad: Gravy Fighter Haruhi is good, stupid fun. Alistair: It’s terrible and I hate it. (Actually I like it) Alistair’s dad: You need to lighten up. Alistair and Renee in Anime club Renee: Gravy Fighter Haruhi got a lot better, don’t you think? Alistair: Yeah, it did, I mean, I hate it, I mean, don’t tell my dad. He’ll kill me. At a convention Alistair’s dad: I like Gravy Fighter Haruhi. Alistair: What? I thought you hated it. Alistair’s dad: I told you I liked it, remember? Alistair: Oh yeah. It’s about as exciting as it sounds.
Please don’t ruin my fun by spoiling this story. Now I’ll fail to be suprised by this character arc I’d already guessed was going to happen around the time the author went EVERY MORNING ALISTAIR WAKES UP AND OPEN PALM SLAMS A DVD INTO THE SLOT. ITS GRAVY FIGHTER HARUHI AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE HE STARTS DOING THE MOVES ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, HARUHI. HE DOES EVERY MOVE AND HE DOES EVERY MOVE HARD. MAKIN WHOOSHING SOUNDS WHEN HE TURNS A PAGE OF THE MANGA OR EVEN WHEN HE MESSES UP TECHNIQUE. NOT MANY CAN SAY THEY ABSORBED THE ENTIRETY OF A FRANCHISE THEY HATE. HE CAN. HE SAYS IT AND HE SAYS IT OUTLOUD EVERYDAY TO PEOPLE IN MILLS COLLEGE ANIME CLUB AND ALL THEY DO IS PROVE PEOPLE IN ANIME CLUB CAN STILL BE IMMATURE JERKS. AND HES LEARNED ALL THE LINES AND HES LEARNED HOW TO MAKE HIMSELF AND HIS APARTMENT LESS LONELY BY SHOUTING EM ALL. 2 HOURS INCLUDING WIND DOWN EVERY MORNING. THEN HE SAYS SOMETHING IN AN ANGRY VOICE. Rehashing old memes, truly the highest form of wit. Basically the idea is that everyone on the internet who calls some generic anime shitty is secretly like Alistair and actually loves it. Just like us goons with ___, right? We secretly love it, right? Ok let’s not even joke about that it’s shitty paedophile shit.
Oh hey it’s chapter 12 and it’s time for Gracie to learn a valuable life lesson about tolerance Gracie was sitting in her room, sulking; she had her head buried in her lap, her legs raised up on the bed, her face and eyes red from tears. She thought she heard a motorcycle pull up by the dorm, but she wondered if Missy was going to be a bitch towards her, and her views on the world, why she would ever want to give a fuck about her ever again. By now her sweater had been soaked with tears; she felt it was necessary to take it off. She got up, put it in her hamper, and replaced it with one of the tops of her pajama sets. She then resumed sulking. She heard a knock at the door; she was too scared and angry and hurt to do anything, really. The knocking became stronger; still she resisted answering her door. She had ignored the person knocking for about five minutes, until the sound itself had started hurting her ears. She had no other choice but to answer it. She slowly opened the door to find Missy carrying her sushi from the restaurant. “Hey, Gracie, thought I’d stop by. It’s not good for you to go to bed on an empty stomach, you know.” “Thanks…” whimpered Gracie. “Did I say something wrong?” “You won’t let me have anything that I love!” “Huh?” Missy was genuinely confused. “Just let me cling to the belief that you’re really an uke. Let me cling to the belief that you’re not going to cut it off. It’s all I have, between you and Mike. I’ve always wanted my yaoi dreams to become reality, and here the two of you go, crinkling them into a ball, swallowing them, and shitting them out your ass!” She started crying again. “I don’t want reality to be real. It hurts too much. I just want to live in my womanless, ass-lubing, romantic, sparkly, perfect world! Why can’t you understand that?” “Because, as hard as we try, we can’t run away from life. Life caught up with me too. If it didn’t, I wouldn’t be transitioning, and I’d be an unhappy person caught in a web of denial. You’re more than welcome to like yaoi. Hell, I like some yaoi, even though my own and others’ penises are disgusting to me. I learned to get over my inhibitions about it as soon as I became more female. Just don’t make it the only thing in your life.” Missy bent forward, being careful to balance the plastic bag containing the bowl of sushi, and hugged Gracie tight. “I…I…never saw it that way…” She wept, this time tears of joy. “Well, now you have something to think about.” Missy handed the bag over to Gracie. “Enjoy your sushi. I’m sorry I caused you so much trouble, but if you want to go out to eat
with me again, go ahead and ask anytime. Even at the food court or one of the dining halls. But we’ll do it as friends. I can see you’re not ready yet for a romantic relationship with memaybe with anyone, really. But I’m really sorry and I wish you luck.” “Thank…thank you…” As Missy closed the door, Gracie opened up her take-out bowl of sushi. Everything she had ordered was there; they even put the gari and the wasabi on the side for her, as well as packing in two packets of soy sauce for dipping. She dug further into the almost-empty bag and found a pair of disposable chopsticks, which she promptly unsheathed from their paper casing and split in two. She then turned on her computer, got online, looked up Episode 3 of Gravy Fighter Haruhi on Megaupload, and started watching while she carefully put pieces of sushi into her mouth. Some days it was good to relax. Even if on the same day, you realized that something had taken over your life to the extent that you had embarrassed two people that were very dear to you because of it.
That’s it? That’s all it took? In the hands of a capable author, this could have actually been a good character arc about how a girl who is obsessed with an unrealistic view of homosexuals learns a lesson about tolerance and compassion. Instead it’s all resolved in a single line. Missy still likes her and Gracie gets to relax in her anime reality. Part two of the chapter... Alistair was trying to get some of the reading done for his eighteenth century British literature class. He had done all of his art homework, and had to get his English requirement out of the way. Luckily, they were reading Gulliver’s Travels- an excellent book, thought Alistair. Right now, he had caught up to the part in which the Houhynyms had found Gulliver, being surprised at an intelligent, talking humanoid creature, seeing as how all the intelligent, civilized horses knew were the wild and savage Yahoos. Sometimes Alistair projected his situation onto the Houhynyms- he was surrounded by a bounch of snorting, grunting Yahoos after all. Yahoos in his anime club. Yahoos on his bulletin boards and in his chat rooms. Yahoos in his family, female Yahoos who only thought you could get ahead with the power of looks alone. Sometimes Alistair projected himself onto Gulliver- charter of strange and unfamiliar worlds, with the ability to snark at them, to sail upon a sea of stupidity and not have the water lap up onto his ship and affect his mind. But know he wondered if the sea of stupidity was starting to get at him since he had stayed up that night reading the scanslated Gravy Fighter Haruhi manga. He hated to admit himself that he actually was starting to like it, even if it was for the villains, the villains’ ambiguous genitalia, and the villains’ “kill all humans AND all female supremacist Betanomo-jin” philosophy. He was actually thinking of changing his beloved Char cosplay into a Shinobu Futagawa one, but, for now, that would be a step too far.
And then Alistair’s dad rings and they: -Insult Alistair’s mum -We learn how much of a fucking weeaboo Alistair’s dad is (He’s an anime elitest, and yet he’s taught his dog to dance to the ending theme from Haruhi (Melancholy)) -His dad says he’s glad Alistair became a man -Then they chat about how awesome Gravy Fighter Haruhi is. Two plot arcs nearly complete and it’s only chapter 12. There’re 18 more to go. Diablocon
“She’s not really a lady. She has a wiener.” TV Tropes, producing the world’s finest writers.
I keep rereading Missy’s comment and I can’t think of what she actually said to change Gracie’s mind. She said something about getting over your inhibitions, but I think I summed it up as best I can: Gracie: I hate transwomen! Missy: But we can like yaoi too. Gracie: Oh, then you’re alright. Riveting. Thank God we resolved that conflict in such a believable way, now we can get back to all the anime and yaoi. Let me guess how this goes: Gracie: I hate lesbians! Lesbian: But we can like yaoi too. Gracie: Oh, then you’re alright. Alistair: I hate this anime and all of you. (No I don’t) Everyone else: Anime, anime anime...
You forgot “Ich bin deutsch!!!! (und auch Anime!!!!)”
A Gift for Namtab
Babbage I’d seen the name so many times I was beginning to think it was some kind of Troper meme I wasn’t getting, so I did a google search for “Gravy Fighter Haruhi”. I found this at the writer/artist’s DA page, which is a delight.
Youko Kasturagi by ~akaisenshi
Digital Art / Drawings / Fantasy
MATERIALS: Done entirely in Photoshop. Youko Katsuragi ( 桂木暢子 is the “rival” character from the anime Gravy Fighter Haruhi- which is the Show Within A Show in my NaNo novel, Mills College Anime Club. [link] In-universe, the creator of the show is Keiko Yamaoka (山丘勁子 All right...a short Youko bio... . She’s another of my characters.
She’s the “queen” of her all-girl’s junior high. She has a tendency to make hammy speeches, especially when confronted with her rival, Haruhi Nakada (the protagonist). She fights with....yes, curry. You can see her magic curry dish in this picture floating above her. You’ll just have to read my NaNo novel for more...plus the non-anime characters in there. (c) me
Teen Sensui Genderbend by ~akaisenshi
Fan Art / Manga & Anime / Digital / Movies & TV
MATERIALS: Gimp 2.0. Teenaged!Shinobu, AS A GIRL. AHAHAHA. I wanted to draw Fem!Itsuki grabbing her boobs, but ah well. Still going to Hell anyways. Original male version of Shinobu Sensui, YYH (c) Yoshihiro Togashi
It’s like one of those photographs (using the thatcher effect) where they’ve turned the eyes and mouth upside down, but you don’t notice until it becomes a monster when you turn it back the right way up. Except I don’t think there’s any way to make it better, except for finding whatever anime stills they Frankensteined together into that abomination and apologising to the artists directly. There is no way that you could get the nose that wrong without having some uncited source for it.
Sweet Jesus what’s wrong with their necks?
Interlude: An Advice on Receiving Criticism
True Evil Bob
Either I don’t get what Night is trying to say here or it’s so stupid that my mind just glosses over it to protect my sanity.
The Tsundere Quality I Know and Love
“Hello!” she said cheerily. “Renee? It’s your mother.” “Hi Mom, what do you want?” “I was just checking to see if you were okay.” “Oh, I have a test I have to study for for government class…Plus I have to schedule and download next week’s Anime Club shows.” “…You know that your father and I do NOT approve of anime club.” Renee sighed. “Does it really matter what I do in my spare time as long as I go to Mass on Sundays, and celebrate the saint’s days and the holy days?” “Yes, it does. Anime is a tool of the Devil. It comes from a country where there is no Christianity- Heaven forbid- and it’s chock full of sex and violence and showing off the disgusting private parts of the body. Your grandparents did NOT immigrate to this country so that you could make a mockery of our faith! They almost died because they believed in Jesus with all their hearts, you know that?” “Mom, I know that both your and Dad’s parents came to the United States after Castro took over. I know they wanted freedom of religion. You really shouldn’t be using that to guilt-trip me into giving up my freedom of religion.” “It’s the Fifth Commandment: ‘honor your father and mother’.” “I know, Mom, but ‘honor’ doesn’t exactly mean ‘blindly obey’. I have to give credence to what you guys think, but ultimately, I’m my own person- especially since I’m an adult.” “I still don’t think you should be hanging out with gays,” spat her mother. Renee chucked. “Homosexuality isn’t contagious.” “Says you. Why is it then, that you don’t have a boyfriend? You should get married soon!” “I don’t have time for dating. I have anime club, and I’m trying to keep up my grade point average so that I can get into Harvard Law!” “But women nowadays can have it all.” “I’d like to, but I’m only twenty-two. There’s only so much I can do.” “When I was your age, I was already pregnant with your brother! Think about that.” Renee groaned to herself, and asked why, in her infinite optimism and general tolerance and happy-go-lucky-ness, she had to have parents like she did: ones that created a black hole of negativity and conformity everywhere they traveled.
“See? I’m only approving of you getting into law school anyway because your father wants it. And God says I should obey him. Why can’t you be a wonderful child and obey both of us, as God commands?” “Mom, God didn’t really command that. Jesus even said that he came to bring division in families. It’s in Matthew, look it up.” “You are so insolent sometimes,” groaned her mother. “Yes, but I am trying my darndest to do what Christ would have done. Jesus hung out with lepers and prostitutes, for crying out loud! I go to Mass on Sundays at the local diocese! I fast when the Church tells me to! I give to the poor, I love my neighbor as myself, and I try not to cast the first stone, because I recognize that I, too, am a sinner, and as such, I have no right to judge! And I…” Her mother hung up the phone. Renee breathed in deeply, tried to relax her muscles, sat down, took a bite of her Danish, and returned to memorizing Supreme Court cases.
Of course Renee’s parents are pious stereotypes, how else would the author be able to put his character on a pedestal. And then Randy goes to meet Nina It was actually Nina, pacing around the room singing along to Rammstein’s “Haifisch”. “Und der Haifisch, der hat Tränen, und die laufen vom Gesicht Doch der Haifisch lebt im Wasser so die Tränen sieht man nicht...” “Umm, Nina? “he asked her from the doorway. “Wir halten das Tempo Wir halten unser Wort Wenn einer...SCHEIßE, RANDY! Du hast mich erschreckt!” Nina had jumped a foot, and, being startled, had pressed “pause” on her CD player. “Hehe, I know enough German now to know you just called me ‘du’ instead of ‘Sie’. Does that mean anything…?” Nina blushed slightly and got flustered and angry. “No, it does not! Besides,” she repeated in English, “you scared me!” “Ah, there’s the tsundere quality I know and love. You want me, but you’re too proud to say it.” Nina got exceptionally angry. “I! AM! NOT!” She bared her fists and went right for Randy’s face, landing a blow smack on his jaw. When he had recovered, still with his hand to his aching jaw, he got up and said,
“Actually, you can do that again. That was kind of hot.” “Wow…you’re a masochist…” she muttered. “I’m all sorts of perverted, even some that you don’t even want to know about.” “Have you ever done it with a guy?” she asked coyly. “I’ve wanted to, but most gay guys I think are attractive are so hung up on having a gay identity that they ditch me as soon as they find out I like women too.” He smiled goofily. “Oh, so it’s not like it is in Germany then.” “I guess not. Oh, hell, the real reason I came here was to get help from Liese, ‘cause she’s my prof…” “She doesn’t have office hours today. Thursday is my day.” “Well…can you help me study then?” “Are you going to grope me?” She folded her arms and tensed up her shoulders. “Not now.” He smiled cockily. “But maybe later if you want.” “You know, you’re not so bad.” She smirked. “Also, out of curiosity, why haven’t you said anything about my chest being small?” “Because you’re hot with a flat chest. Consider it a blessing. Not many girls are.” “I’m actually kind of flattered.” Almost there, thought Randy, almost to the point of me losing my virginity to a European chick… “But don’t think you can go anywhere,” she yelled. “I am six years older than you. I want you to take that into consideration. Also, I want a photo of you kissing another guy ON THE LIPS; else I’m not going to date you AT ALL. Not even considering it if you don’t give me the photo.” Randy sighed. He had to find a guy that would find him attractive, his loud, rambunctious personality and everything, and would let him take a picture of them making out. Somehow, he thought, this was going to be a lot harder than learning German.
I’m really doing nothing but reposting the story here at this point, there’s really nothing to it but ANIME and OFFENSIVE STEREOTYPES. Renee has stereotypical christian parents for no other reason than so she looks good in comparison to them, despite the fact that she apparantly has no emotion at all. This is because she is the NICE ONE
Nina cares about nothing but her flat chest and Ramstein because she is a GERMAN TSUNDERE.
I just need to check, she’s a redhead right? I wonder which Rammstein song is her favourite. Even if I do pretty much know which one it is. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=PVQaix vlMwo You forget it’s a message that is also completely ignored.
If you will not serve in combat, you will serve on the firing line!
HOW DID YOU KNOW!? It’s like there was a really successful anime with a redheaded german character with a “tsundere” personality and the anime had a fairly overt message that a character with that personality would be bad. Randy is just CREEPY. Fuck troper fiction Yonic Symbolism can tropers ever write about a girl without discussing their boobs at some point
Several dozen boob tropes says no.
May as well do Chapter 14 as well Randy went back to his dorm that night after dinner, his stomach full of cheap pepperoni pizza from the dining hall and fountain Pepsi. He was tired and confused- he didn’t know what to do about Nina’s proposal. Sure, there were guys on campus he found hot, but, in his mind, asking any one of them would equal failure- either straight guys who’d get freaked out by being hit on, or gay guys who would ditch him as soon as they found out Randy was bisexual (a much too common occurence, he mused). He rarely found other bisexual men, but they were usually taken. Usually by women. Women who were decidedly not yaoi fangirls,and also had a jealous streak. Thinking it over, he felt as if he were the universe’s punching bag. He had no idea of what to do to get Nina’s attention; she told him he had to give her that photo of him making out with another guy, or else she wouldn’t even consider dating him. He thought about the guys he knew, and how they would react. Lance would balk and make homophobic comments, and then try and bitch-slap him to death. Alistair would extort him into doing something humiliating for him, and would threaten to blackmail him, saying that Randy should do whatever it was if he valued his life and/or his dignity. ...Somehow, that was kind of hot. Randy’s mind wandered into a sadomasochistic scene, wondering if Alistair was a dom who would tie him up, spank him, and then do a mock-rape scene on him just to keep him quiet to anyone else but Nina. He could hear him yelling now: “Shut up and take my dick, bitch!” By this time, Randy was fully erect. He thought of Alistair beating the shit out of him, maybe with a whip or the back of a brush. He thought of trying to grab his girl-bits, but recieving an even greater punishment (perhaps he was such a huge weeaboo that he could summon his own tentacle monster? Maybe he could get so violent that he would make Russel Crowe look like a newborn kitten?). “Alistair...oh, fuck, man, you are so awesome...” He was moving his hand on his dick faster and faster until he came. He got up from his chair, his legs still weak from the strength of his orgasm, remoed his pants and put them in the hamper, and changed his boxers, throwing the used ones inot the hamper as well. Not caring it was 8 PM, and exhausted from his masturbation session, he went to bed. And then he falls asleep and has a shitty anime parody dream which is also highly sexual
I’m not posting the parody dream by the way. It’s the first one or two episodes of an anime done in the shitty troper parody style which amounts to “HEY THIS IS AN OVERSIMPLIFICATION OF WHAT CHARACTERS WERE DOING! HhAHAHA” Diablocon
“She’s not really a lady. She has a wiener.” TV Tropes, producing the world’s finest writers.
So a masturbation scene and a parody of anime? I’d say this chapter was a complete waste of time and did nothing to advance the “plot”, but then I realise that I could say that about every single one of them.
RebelWorm What is the “plot” anyway? “Anime fans are super irritating”?
Chinese Food and Magical Girl Shows Will Ease Our Pain
Randy calls Nina and they have a chat. Randy admits that he doesn’t want to kiss a guy just to impress Nina, then when Nina protests he points out that Nina wouldn’t want to kiss Liesse just to impress him. Nina agrees. Then Liesse starts crying because Nina is straight and just admitted to not being attracted to Liesse, they talk it out and the chapter should end there. But it doesn’t
Chapter 15: “Things will be okay. Say, you want to watch Wedding Peach? I have the German-subbed version burned to disc!” Liese swallowed to get the huge lump out of her throat, and smiled sweetly. “Sure, I love that anime.” “You know, that’s the most stereotypically German thing you’ve said all day.” Nina laughed at her own joke. “Yeah, I guess it is. Maybe I can ask for sausage and sauerkraut for dinner then?” She laughed gently. “Now you’re just pulling my leg. What do you really want?” “Chinese!” “Okay, I’ll call the Chinese place. I think they deliver.” Nina picked up the phone and dialed the local Chinese Restaurant. “Hello, Panda Garden? I’d like an order of General Tso’s Chicken, and an order of…” –here she spoke German and muffled the speaker on the phone- “Liese, what do you want?” “Shrimp in lobster sauce!” She resumed her conversation in English: “…Shrimp with lobster sauce.” Pause. “That’ll be 35 minutes for delivery? Okay.” “The address is 34 Wilson Avenue, Apartment 8, Millstown.” “Okay, you too. Good-bye.” The doorbell rang. “Hello? It’s Panda Garden!”
“Coming!” said Nina as she raced towards the door with twenty dollars. She opened the door, grabbed the bag with the entrees in it, and asked: “How much?” “That’ll be seventeen dollars plus tip.” “Here. Take the whole twenty.” “Have a good night, Miss.” “You too,” Nina waved as she shut the door. She got the bowls of Chinese food prepared on the coffee table in front of he couch, went to the kitchen to get two cans of soda and some forks, turned on the TV and the DVD player, put Wedding Peach in, and settled down to relax along with Liese. Her best friend in the world. As they took their first bite of their respective dishes, they thought to themselves how Chinese food and magical-girl shows seemed to put all of their pain behind them, and return them to earlier, less complicated days.
This is the ending third of the chapter and adds nothing whatsoever to the story. There’s no character development, no scene setting, it’s just a description of two girls turning on an anime and going through every detail of how to write Chinese. Pointless shit to get the wordcount up so the author can “win” at Nanowrimo. And it’s a pity too, because other than that this is probably the least offensive chapter so far. And that honour is then immediately smashed by chapter 16, which is just the transwoman’s backstory. Half of it is her childhood (identified as female early, parents tried to raise her as boy as best as possible but she stuck to it), then the other half is her discovering anime and going to Japan. Some of this second half is stuff we’d learned before but in more detail. All of this chapter would have been inserted in dialogue or filler in earlier chapters by any competent author. Chapter 16: Upon coming back to the United States, one of the first things she did besides registering for classes was to go to the GenkiCon website and fill out an application for a Japanese-toEnglish translator position. As a part of the convention staff, she would receive free room and board, as well as a stipend of one hundred dollars. She was interviewed over the phone, and today, just today, she had found out that she was going to be hired as a translator. This seems to be the only line that is relevant to future events, and again should have been mentioned elsewhere as a line of dialogue. Perhaps when she made up with Gracie “Hey, I’m going to be at Genkicon, you want to come?”
So it’s an inoffensive chapter, but also completely redundant. Diablocon
“She’s not really a lady. She has a wiener.” TV Tropes, producing the world’s finest writers.
Reading anything laid out where every line is its own paragraph is draining. Look at this. Even worse when every sentence is so short, because it makes it so obvious. While walls of text are bad because they’re just exhausting to look at, these bulletpoints of text also do your head in. If I were to wager why he does this, excluding the fact he most likely slept through English class, I’d say it’s to make his story look fuller, because I’m sure line breaks don’t count as words. Anyway, chapter 16 is all right, I have nothing against putting backstory into its own chapter, but as you said, here it’s just redundant, and since this writer can’t do character development, we get nothing out of it.
Yeah I should clarify that a little. Putting backstory in its own chapter is good if the character is somehow important to the plot, or the information is somehow relevant to the story as a whole. This isn’t. The sum point of it is two points that had already been established and talked about before, which are that she is a trans-woman and that she met the creator of the shitty anime they keep talking about. Having a chapter for backstory is good, for example, for developing main characters (why is your hero so selfless, what made your villain the way he is). But this backstory neither doesn’t do that, there’s no added complexity to the character, no context for why she forgave Gracie. It’s just filler. I’m sure a more competent literary person could develop my points, but I feel that I’ve hit the core of the problem with Chapter 16. The real core of the problem is the fact the story exists.
My Dad Is a Bigger Anime Snob than Me
Chapter 17: Renee and Alistair carried the two sheet pizzas they had ordered from Papa Gino’s into the club room; they had not brought along soda this time, and they didn’t plan on bringing any, because they found out there was a vending machine directly above them on the second floor of the Lecture Hall building, where the smaller classrooms were. If the club members wanted soda, they could go get them there. And if they didn’t have money on them, but just had their meal plans, they could hop by the food court and get one. Alistair and Renee did NOT have time this meeting to run down to the nearest 7-11 and get eight liters of soda. They were too busy thinking about the fundraiser that they had planned, so that the people who sold what it was that they were planning to sell could have their registration fees and board paid for for the day of GenkiCon.
Ok this is how the chapter starts off, I’ve bolded the only two relevant lines here, which tell you who we’re focusing on, where they are, and what they’re planning to do. All the rest is just really pointless shit about how they don’t want to provide free food anymore. “I am so stressed out!” wailed Renee. “Between planning this particular meeting, planning for the fundraiser, and having to plan for my thesis next semester, I am so screwed! I could almost punch something- almost- but I’m too nice for that!” “How about you punch out a yaoi fangirl?” Alistair suggested. “Why do you say that? I thought you liked yaoi.” “Like yaoi, hate the fangirls. There is a frequency at which my eardrums shatter, and, every time aforementioned fangirls see two guys kissing, or even read about two guys kissing, they seem to find aforementioned frequency.” He put his hands over his ears as if they were actually present. “Oh, I see. I guess you don’t like Gracie much then.” “Hate her on principle. If she were in one of my fandoms, I would dispatch ninja to cut off her hands so she could no longer type. And not the highly visible dumbass Naruto kind, either. Actual fucking historically accurate ninja.” “Wow, that’s harsh.” “Harsh, but fair.” Alistair smirked. There is no part of this exchange that isn’t terrible. Particularly Renee going “I’m too nice to hit people”. People who are actually nice don’t go pointing it out. This is the troper thing of never doing anything for anyone else without making a huge deal about doing it, because how else would people know?
Also note the troper-esque threat Alistair makes, complete with accompanying qualifying points, wouldn’t want his only friend to think he actually liked Naruto. “What’s gotten into you lately?” “Um…let’s see…for lunch I had a chicken burrito, a Mountain Dew, and a side of nachos. That’s what’s gotten into me lately.” Renee glared at him, and flatly stated, “Don’t make me hurt you.” Alistair, who was terrified of the thought of nice, sweet Renee going yangire on his ass, sighed and said, “All right. I got into a really stupid flame war with these dumb yaoi fangirls last night. I said it really didn’t matter who was seme or who was uke in a pairing, and they threw a shit fit, telling me that A times B is not equal to B times A. I said that, in my experience as a gay man, most guys I know like to bottom, which leaves me, as a top, a lot of options. And they had the balls to ask me, “Did they get raped before they started bottoming?” Needless to say, my head met my desk repeatedly over the course of the night.” “I feel bad for you. Does your head hurt?” “…I meant metaphorically.” “Oh, I see. Anyway, fandom online can be pretty stupid.” “Yeah, online. Here it’s not so bad. There are a couple of dumb fucks who think Evangelion is the best and most brilliant anime ever made, when clearly it’s Original Gundam, but what are you going to do?”
Well, we nearly had some sort of decent commentary about yaoi fangirls, but Alistair senses that the audience may learn something and immediately switches to comparing anime. “As for brilliant anime, I’d hate to engage you in a stupid and pointless argument, but I like Gravy Fighter Haruhi. It’s gotten much better, the last few chapters of the manga especially! I didn’t see that coming!” Oh, shit, Alistair thought, she’s got me between a rock and a hard place. I’d better not tell her that I, too, have been obsessed with Gravy Fighter Haruhi, and have been contemplating cosplaying as Shinobu Futagawa… “Oh, you mean the Mischwesen?” Alistair covered his mouth; he had let it slip that he was a complete and utter hypocrite to his standards of good anime.
“I’d better not let it slip...WHOOPS TOO LATE” Come on it’s literally the next sentence after he thinks that.
“Alistair…don’t tell me…” “Yeah, I’m ashamed of myself too,” he continued. “It’s more of a guilty pleasure than me actually thinking it’s quality. Please DO NOT tell anyone else that I’m obsessed with it now. I don’t want to be seen as less of a Char fanboy, or less of an elitist. I like sitting in my anime and manga ivory tower, you know!” “But…that’s so cool of you, to let your elitism down for once.” “I don’t feel cool. I feel like a dumbass. Plus I could never face my dad again. He’s still stuck on the older stuff and is more of an anime snob than I am, believe it or not. He’s a really nice guy, he accepts me and all that, but he’s an anime snob who won’t watch anything made past 1995. He’s basically like me- but he’s more of a Rock of Gibraltar type than I ever will be.” “Don’t feel bad- anime club is for everyone. Fandom is for everyone. It’s a place where you’re supposed to belong, even when you don’t belong anyplace else. It’s the place where you’re actually more popular the more of a crackpot you become. It’s the place where it’s okay for women to read gay porn. It’s the place where everyone is supposed to cast aside their differences in order to love one thing. And that’s what makes anime club- and anime fandom- great.” “I think you have a point,” said Alistair, “even though you are far too overly idealistic.” “Good.” Renee smiled brightly like the sun, her eyes closing to express how happy she was. “So…the meeting’s starting in five minutes?” “Yeah.” “Let’s put the Rurouni Kenshin episodes up on the computer, shall we?” Alistair booted up the computer, grabbed the disc the episodes were on, put it in the CD drive, and set up the language and subtitle settings. Renee merely nodded in agreement.
Anime club is truly the great unifier. Note that Alistair’s worried about his dad’s reaction even though his dad already told him he liked the show. “Everyone,” said Renee, “before we watch Rurouni Kenshin, may I have your attention please?” The noise of about one hundred otaku talking, burping, and singing off-key refused to quiet down. Alistair again took it upon himself to stand on the chair behind the podium. “SHUT UP! Our President is trying to talk!” Everyone in the room immediately sat down and shut their mouths.
Renee cleared her throat. “Ahem…I am here to announce that we will have a semi-voluntary fundraiser in order to raise money to go to GenkiCon. I know it’s a little less than two months away, but really, if you want to do pre-registration, the earlier, the better.” “Why is that?” A voice came from the audience. “Because, if you look on the con website, it is ten dollars for Saturday for pre-registration, and twenty dollars at the door. Plus all pre-registration past October 8- that would be about three weeks from now- is full-price.” “Oh. Cool.” “And this will be the way the fundraiser works. If you want to go to the con, you have to sell these chocolate bars…” “Why can’t we sell Pocky?” interrupted another voice. “Yeah, it’d be more fitting for an anime club to sell boxes of Pocky!” a third voice chimed in. “Oh, oh, oh! Can we yaoi for Pocky?” asked Gracie from the back.
This half hour(?) timeskip happens straight away with no indication. One line break is all that seperates Renee and Alistair from being alone in the room to there being over 100 anime nerds. Also there is no way whatsoever that any anime club would have 100+ members. One other thing, it’s curiously fitting that even though we’ve passed Gracie’s big life lesson she’s not learned anything at all. “I’m sorry to disappoint you guys, but Pocky is too expensive and it doesn’t have that great of an overhead. On the other hand, we got these chocolate bars”- she holds one up- “for twenty-five cents apiece in bulk order, and can see them for anything up to a dollar-fifty. And, no, Gracie, you can’t yaoi for it. Part of a fundraiser is, well, raising funds.” “What flavors do they come in?” asked another audience member. “We have milk chocolate, dark chocolate, cookies-and-cream, caramel, and green tea.” “Green tea?” came another voice. “Yes, green tea. The manufacturer had some leftover green tea bars from a shipment to Japan, and I asked if I could have them. They said yes.” “Awesome, some actual Japanese candy!” said the first voice. “But it’s not Pocky,” countered Gracie. “You can’t play the Pocky Game.” Lance turned around, saw that Gracie was two rows directly behind him, and said, “Oh, you can with me, honey!”
“Are you gay?” “I can be as gay as you want me to be while I’m fondling your boobs.” He smiled flirtatiously at her, and then touched up his lipstick. They are real! Gracie thought. Yaoi boys are real! With that thought, she fainted happily onto the floor, where Mike waved a piece of strawberry chewing gum under her nose in order to bring her back to consciousness. But she was too deep into nirvana to care.
Yup, Gracie really learned nothing. Also more filler about flavours and Lance finally becomes a notable character. Although I’ve never once heard of straight guys acting gay to score women, particularly not in so crude a fashion. Is this a thing? It is a thing. At least Gracie seems happy, although I sense a whole half chapter of rivalry between Lance and Missy for her terrible affections. “Anyway,” continued Renee, “If you elect not to sell candy, you are not going with us. We plan on doing mass pre-registration, so the candy money should go directly back to us. What money that is left over, if there is any, goes into the club account.” “And you can pick up your first case after the showing,” said Alistair. “Speaking of which, we’re watching Rurouni Kenshin tonight. So I’m as happy as I can get.” “Also,” said Renee, “as you can see, we have pizza again. However, this time it’s not free. It’s fifty cents a slice. If you want it, come on down!” About half the audience came down to get a slice of pizza, readying their change, not caring that there was no soda to go with it. Renee dimmed the lights, and Alistair started playing the anime. A collective unease gathered over the audience, as they now found out that they had to work for their GenkiCon entrance fee.
Daionus the 23rd
I can understand a gay man having a distaste towards girls who like gay porn, excuse me, “yaoi fangirls”. I’m pretty sure those people don’t give a fuck about gay rights, effectively seeing gay males as things to masturbate to, which is somehow both patronizing and dehumanizing. But I think this guy dislikes them for the wrong reasons. Additionally the chapter makes way more sense if you see them all as huge fans of a bloody game show where people get shot at by mascots. is Genkicon a real thing? If not, then I can safely assume that girl from the Anime Club thing is a fan of Professor Genki’s Super Ethical Reality Climax.
Purple Saints Profile
The Saddest Rhino
What Tropers really want Genkicon to be:
so many tears
Everyone thinks we’re Nazis because we’re German
Chapter 18 is the worst chapter, so boring and flat, just the German girls talking about butchered German in Anime. Basically another one written around one important line of dialogue but the author wants to get more wordcount because nanowrimo is just about getting a set number of words out regardless of quality, right? Chapter 18: Nina and Liese were back at their apartment, despairing about how they were going to sell their four cases of chocolate bars while they were eating dinner- a cheap frozen cheese pizza. “You know what,” said Nina in German, “I have no clue how we’re going to move these things. I think it’s kind of like Sisyphus rolling that boulder up that hill: yeah, he tries, but he doesn’t get Jack Shit accomplished.” Liese took a bite of her slice of pizza. “It has to be something inventive. Something that no one has ever thought of before to sell candy on campus.” “I think we should table.” “No, I’d think Renee and Alistair are doing that, because they’re the President and VicePresident of the club…Wait, they are tabling. They have a place saved at the Student Union by the concert hall tomorrow.” “Damn it.” Nina buried her face into her hands. “I’m all out of ideas.”
He has to point out that they’re speaking in German because they’re German. One thing about these two is that everything they do is related to Germany in some way. Also I have yet to see a character eat anything in this that isn’t pizza or some kind of takeaway. “Well, I was thinking…” “What were you thinking? You usually have good ideas.” “Why thank you.” “So what is it?” “I think we should stand out in one of the quads, since they are public space. You see protesters tehr all the time, and no one seems to mind.” “Stand in one of the quads and do…what exactly?” Nina’s brows furrowed. “We still have our Yoko Littner and Nia Teppelin cosplays in the closet, right?” “Liese, you have got to be shitting me here,” Nina said as she folded her arms in disdain. “I
am not using cosplay to sell candy! It’s demeaning and…” “You’re just mad because we can’t find your fake Yoko boobs,” Liese smiled. “Well…yeah…but I’m also opposed to it on principle. Of course guys are going to come up to me to buy chocolate bars, I’m wearing a bikini top and short shorts! It’s degrading!”
Anime and boobs. Nothing to say here they’re just planning to dress up as the two girls from Gurren Lagaan to sell chocolate. “But a little fanservice is a good thing. People who think you’re good-looking will do anything you ask them to do. It’s actually very good business sense.” Liese closed her eyes and smiled. “Damn…you’re more ruthless than I thought you were.” Liese giggled. “Sometimes. But I also hope that some girl will see me in my Nia costume and think I’m cute and want to be my girlfriend!” “You may be pushing it too far. Besides, you know I’m the one who gets the female attention.” Nina took the last bite out of her slice of pizza, and reached across the coffee table to get another one. How ironic: she was the straight girl that women flocked to (well, except for Randy and maybe Alex back home), and here she was, friends with a lesbian who was irresistible to men. The cosmos never seemed fair.
Yeah man people are gonna ask a cosplayer out. Also some more words used to get his wordcount up. We already know about the “ironic” situation with those two. It’s mentioned every chapter. “So,” said Liese,”are you in?” “I’m in.” Nina sighed, admitting defeat. “When do you want to do it? Not tomorrow, I don’t want to take away Renee and Alistair’s time.” “Umm…how about Tuesday then?” “Okay, Tuesday. Plus we can bring them to the German Table Wednesday.” “I didn’t think of that either.” “The thing is, Randy’s interested in coming to the German Table for serious. It’s not going to be like that time he saw you, fell into his meatball sub, and crashed into the table.” Nina laughed. “Yeah, that was funny. Oh, and remember when he had an erection standing behind you in line, and you freaked out?”
Liese blushed. “He…he never did that…” “Oh, come on. You told me after all the undergrads had left!” Liese playfully hit herself on the head and stuck out her tongue. “I’m so forgetful. Forgive me.”
The German table for Germans. Also how would you forget a guy pressing up against you with a boner? Especially when you see that guy all the time? Finally, doing Anime things in real life is cute, right? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLmD_69pXpk) “Hey, you want to watch the next few episodes of Gravy Fighter Haruhi? I want to see how they adapted the Haruhi versus Nina fight.” “Oh yeah…Nina.” Liese laughed. “Leave it to Japan to name a German character Nina Meier.” Nina chortled. “I swear, if you’re a German in anime, your name is either Johann or Nina.” “Hey, it’s better than the Americans’ stock German names. You know, Dieter? Hilde? I mean, no self-respecting parent who is a native speaker of German names their kids that anymore!” “Oh, God, don’t remind me.”
This is gonna be the rest of the chapter. Germans talking about anime Germans. Also these two girls don’t seem to be able to hold a conversation on a topic for more than a few lines, except about anime. But first... “Plus, for some reason, everyone thinks we’re Nazis.” “I fucking hate that.” Liese had touched on Nina’s berserk button. “The war ended sixty-plus years ago. We screwed up as a nation. We made a huge mistake. We’re never going to let that happen again in Germany, and that’s why I am a member of the Heidelberg University Anti-Fascist Committee!” Liese giggled again. “I know, Nina. But can we get back on topic about silly German in anime?” “Oh, yeah. I’d at least wish they’d get it right. I mean, Elfen Lied?”
Angry people do not talk like that. Angry people do not stop being angry the second someone says “lets talk about anime more”.
Now back to anime... “It’s supposed to be das Lied des Elfes,” added Liese. “Plus there’s this one that made me wet my pants, it was so bad…” “Are you talking about Evangelion?” “No, but Asuka’s German was pretty ungrammatical in that too.” “Not in the English dub. That’s a thing of beauty. The voice actress is actually fluent in German.” “I can’t keep up with English dubbed anime. If I’m watching a dub, it’s usually the RTLbutchered German version…and that’s why I stick with subtitles. I don’t want to see Zabuza threaten someone with a table leg.” Liese cleared her throat. “Anyway, as I was saying, there was one that was so bad, it made me wet my pants.” Liese paused for a moment. “Seele Schneider.” They both collapsed into a heap on the floor, laughing and tipping over the pan that the pizza was laying on. “Oh, that’s one’s good! Well, for bad German, anyway.” Nina resumed her hysterical laughter. “I know. It’s trying to say ‘Soul Cutter’”- she said ‘Soul Cutter’ in English-”but it’s more like ‘Souls Cutter’!” “Oh, yeah, I just remembered, there’s this yaoi anime where the protagonists live in a country called ‘Cake’! Fucking Kuchen!” Nina said this last word for emphasis, in order to differentiate between the ‘cake’ meaning and the ‘gratuitous German name that some Japanese moron came up with’ meaning. She trembled with laughter, hitting her head by accident against the coffee table. “Ow!” “Are you okay?” asked Liese. “Yeah, I’m fine.” She rubbed her head. “At least it wasn’t named ‘Kitchen’ (Küche),” replied Liese. “I sure would hate to be the ruler of a country the size of someone’s kitchen. You would probably be your own dignitary, and you’d have to ask to give a speech to the living room!” Nina started laughing hysterically again, being careful this time to not bang any of her body parts against hard furniture. “Attention, please! I would like to sign a peace treaty with the couch!” Liese started laughing again, hard. “Oh, dear, I think we’ve made Papa Goethe roll over in his grave.”
“Don’t you mean the Japanese have?” Nina looked somewhat confused. “Well, yeah, but I think we made him roll over harder by discussing it all at once.” Nina caught her breath. “So…shall I carry my laptop out so we can watch those Gravy Fighter Haruhi episodes?” “Why not, I’m game.” They spent the rest of the evening watching Gravy Fighter Haruhi, keeping special track of when Nina Meier, the German combatant, said something ungrammatical or nonsensical in gratuitously added German, or whenever it was she fought with her main food weapon: Schnitzel.
In case you had forgotten, these are German girls who like Anime. Fuck this chapter. Next chapter I get Alistair being angrily autistic again. Madtrixr It’s like he figures if he forces Germany in there enough times then Germany will hire him as PR or something, Jesus.
Tropers seem to think that listing tropes is the same as writing, so all they’d get out of it is a word count.
First you do some worldbuilding where you assign tropes to everything, then you write as amateurishly as possible with as many nerd references as possible. Then the SECOND you hit that wordcount you finish, regardless of whether the story itself is fully told. Then you make a TVTropes page listing the tropes used. Everything begins and ends at tropes. Hallo Spacedog As you will see shortly, the “literally stop just as soon as you hit the wordcount regardless of whether or not you wrapped stuff up” thing is true for Mills College as well...
this chaos is killing me
Oh dear, I was hoping for a brilliant and well written ending that ties up every loose end and all the terrible characters gets their comeuppance-
No, I can’t lie, I know it’s gonna be bad. Diablocon
“She’s not really a lady. She has a wiener.” TV Tropes, producing the world’s finest writers.
Namtab posted: Everything begins and ends at tropes. “I am the Alpha and the Omega—the beginning and the end,” says the Lord Fast Eddie. “I am the one who is, who always was, and who is still to come—the Tropeiest.”
Interlude: Fast Eddie
In the months of November and December 2011, TVTropes Sole Administrator and Owner Fast Eddie began a story in Belize, where he suddenly did some “wacky” and “random” thing by deciding in the middle of the night to steal some golf cart, pick up a “Rasta”, drive to the airport and buy a ticket to fly home. All this was told in the form of that greatest of literature tools: the bullet-point list. And obviously not fabricated. Despite promising to tell the complete story at a later date, this was never completed, and remains in the form reproduced below to highlight the best of Fast Eddie’s writings.
Fast Eddie fancies himself to be the video game programmer’s Anthony Bourdain, only without the self-awareness and the writing skills (or even the programming fortitude to match Bourdain’s cooking talent).
Write What You Know
Chapter 19: Chocolate Selling A lot of this chapter is boring, boring filler. So it’s a typical chapter really. It was eleven AM on a Monday, and Renee and Alistair were looking for where they were supposed to be tabling with their candy. It was kind of difficult to carry around eight boxes of chocolate bars, along with a large stack of books (in Renee’s case) or a jumbo-sized drawing pad (in Alistair’s case). “Where the fuck is this place?” Alistair looked around in frustration, his shoulders slumping from all the weight he had to carry. “I don’t know- it has to be around here somewhere!” “Why don’t you...urrggh…check upstairs with the Student Affairs office?” “No, you do it. I have to set up.” With that, Renee put her load of books and candy down on the floor, and asked Alistair to do so as well. “Fine,” he sighed. He raced up the flight of stairs to the Student Affairs office, remembering to turn left, not right, at the ATM, or else he would wind up either at the Campus Transportation Bureau, or that Food Co-Op where all the dirty hippie students (or so Alistair thought they were) sold their highbrow organic fair-trade foods.
I really want a goon to condense this stuff into something well written. It’d be a bit of a mountain of a job though as there’s so much pointless shit. SIGSEGV Alright, before my eyes slid over all that I read this chapter’s first lines. Right before noon Renee and Alistair were still looking for their association’s office. Renee struggled with two dozen books and as many boxes of chocolate while Alistair fought with his oversized drawing pad, overfilled messenger bag and the pebble in his shoe. Both had racked their brains for a solution to their problems before inspiration struck. Alistair dragged his burden towards the Students Affairs Office only knocking down two potted plants and a single student on his last ditch mission to find room 43B98, supposedly in building 34. He arrived at the office and banged on the desk a few times then noticed the bell and banged on that too. Within 5 seconds his patience had ran out and he banged the bell on the desk. This effort brought him back to the pebble in his shoe and by the time help came, he was banging on the desk with his shoe. The Student Affairs receptionist finished her call to security and, unsure of how to proceed, glared at him.
This huge ass block of text establishes that they’re in the right room but don’t know where they need to be, so Alistair is going to find out. He mopped the sweat from his brow, looked around, and opened the door marked “ROOM 202- STUDENT AFFAIRS OFFICE.” There, right in front of him, was a middle-aged AfricanAmerican woman, busily yapping on the whole to someone. The sign on the ledger on her desk, next to a bell, said “RING BELL FOR ASSISTANCE”. So he did. She was still talking. Growing ever impatient, he rang the bell a second time. She did nothing. This was the last straw. If what he was going to do now didn’t get her attention, he didn’t know what would: he rang the bell in rhythm to “Yankee Doodle” while he sang, in a rather off-key manner: “Yankee Doodle went to town A-riding on a pony Stuck a feather in his hat And called it Macaroni” The woman finally slammed the phone receiver down, glared at Alistair, and said, “Excuse me, I heard you the first time.” “Ummm…you didn’t. Else I wouldn’t have had to torture you with ‘Yankee Doodle’.” “Listen, I’m had a bad day here. My boss is threatening to fire me for being incompetent because I talk to my friends on the phone during work hours. I don’t see how that’s so bad. I mean there’s nothing here to do anyways, you just reserve things for students, keep them from yapping their mouths and being insubordinate pieces of shit and…” “Pardon me,” Alistair interrupted, “but I’m one of those insubordinate pieces of shit, come here to check which table Anime Club has reserved downstairs to sell chocolate.” “Hmmm….I don’t remember booking Anime Club. Maybe Sheryl did it? Or Tom?” “Are they here?” “Sheryl’s on lunch break. Tom doesn’t work today.” “Are you at least authorized to check for us?” “I guess so,” she said while she flipped through the paperwork for the day. “Oh…here it is…’Anime Club’. You guys are tabling by the elevator. To its right.” “Thank you,” Alistair sighed, exasperated.
The woman picked up the phone again as Alistair went out the door, chatting to her friends about the ridiculous thing that had just gone down at her office. She had seen a real, live tranny.
I have no idea what purpose this serves as he gets the information anyway. It’s not funny, is it just there to reconfirm that Alistair is an asshole? Also, check out employee of the year there. Good thing she wanted to tell everyone what a shitty employee she was. If it weren’t for these last three threads of examining tropers I wouldn’t believe someone could be so unselfaware. I guess you have to write what you know.
Terrible people liking bad anime is all he knows. Poor man. “So…did you find out where we are?” Renee asked. “Yeah, we’re over by the elevator, to its right,” he said, pointing to the table that was already set up there. “That’s a long ways. I don’t know if we can carry the candy that far without breaking our backs…Oh, wait, I’m being stupid. We can carry it one box at a time!” She picked up a box, went over to the table, set it down, came back, picked up another box, went over to the table, set it down, came back, and repeated the process six more times.
Precious, precious words for the wordcount god. Alistair just stood there and scratched his head. “Do we have any signs or anything?” “No, but can’t we just tear a piece of paper out of your sketchbook and use that?” Alistair rolled his eyes and sighed. “I guess.”
“Do you have any markers on you?” Renee asked hopefully. “They’re in my dorm room.” “Shoot.” “The campus store is upstairs, if you want to buy a pack.” Alistair pointed up. “I guess we have to.” Renee boarded the elevator, turned right, and found the campus store. She walked into the stationery department, bought an eight-pack of watercolor markers, ran back into the elevator with her purchase, and handed them to Alistair the instant she got off of the elevator. “Thanks. At least this time I didn’t have to run around,” he said, grabbing the bag from her hand. Alistair quickly sat down on the floor with his jumbo sketchbook, tore out a page, flipped the sketchbook closed, placed the loose sheet of paper onto the front of the sketchbook, got out a blue marker, and started writing “ANIME CLUB” in big letters. He then got out a green marker and wrote the words “CANDY BAR SALE- $1.25 EACH” underneath where he had previously written “ANIME CLUB”. On the side, he doodled a red Zaku mobile suit, as well as a chibi of Haruhi Nakada, complete with magical gravy ladle. Renee found some leftover poster tack stuck underneath the table- hell, it might have actually been leftover gum, but she didn’t care and pretended it was poster tack anywaysand stuck it to the back side of the top of the poster. She stuck this to the edge of the table, and got ready to sell candy.
Halfway into the chapter, they are ready to fulfil the purpose of the chapter. None of these delays added anything to the story, it’s just easy to write conflict resolution. There was one problem: She was ravenously hungry. “Alistair?” “Yeah?” “Could you be a dear and hold down the fort while I go to the food court?” Alistair, knowing that the food court was in the next building over, and Renee wouldn’t take long, said (albeit rather nonchalantly), “Sure. Whatever.” He placed a sample of each candy bar on the table: a milk chocolate, a dark chocolate, a cookies and cream, a caramel, and a green tea. He wondered if the green tea bar would even sell to a bunch of non-anime fans that did not have the sophisticated taste in Japanese confections that the average weeaboo did, and, on the contingency that it didn’t sell well, he would buy about ten of them with his own money, just so that other members of the anime club couldn’t get their hands on them.
Green-tea chocolate is extremely fucking rare in America you can’t buy it online at all. A tall man with a moustache turned around. “Hey, are you selling candy?” “Yes, what do you want with it?” “I want to eat it, naturally. Do I look like someone who’d have a perverse use for chocolate?” “I don’t know; do you want to come up to my room and find out?” “Dude, I’m straight. I don’t play that.” “Of course you are,” Alistair snickered. When the tall man just glared at him, he said, “I really don’t think you’re all that attractive anyway. I do have standards. But you, my friend, can have chocolate.” “Apologize to me then.” “Geez, I’m sorry,” said Alistair, exasperated, not being able to keep up his smart-alecky demeanor towards this customer. “Which one do you want?” “Let’s see…” He dug through his pockets. “I’ll have…erm…two green tea bars, please.” “Have you ever had green-tea-flavored chocolate before?” “Yeah, my mom’s from Japan, so I was raised on the stuff.” Shit, thought Alistair. The bar that I predicted would be a slow mover is my first sale… Alistair reluctantly dug through the first case of chocolate, grabbed two green tea bars, and gave them to the customer, who paid him two dollars and fifty cents. “Have a nice day,” said Alistair drolly. “You too, bro!” The tall mustachioed man waved at him and shoved his candy bars into his pockets.
Naturally the process of selling chocolate needs to be described, and there’s easy words to be made from Alistair having no concept of politeness, manners or good salesmanship. Why the guy hung around to buy the chocolate with all this assholishness is unknown. Or worse still, is this how Alistair flirts? Alistair looked around to see if there were any more targets that would like to buy some chocolate; however, it was the beginning of the lunch rush, and he would be damned if he had to wait thirty more minutes to get more money. In the center of his vision, he saw Renee, carrying back a chicken quesadilla and a twentyounce bottle of Coke. “Sorry I’m late! Did we have any sales?”
“Just one,” Alistair sulked. Renee took her seat. “One’s better than none.” “Says you, Miss Optimist.” “You seem crankier than usual. You should get some lunch.” “Yeah, the coffee I had this morning is starting to hold out on me.” He got up and left the table to go to the food court and pick up a sub from the Subway there. Renee, who was eating her quesadilla and trying not to get chunks of chicken and Baja sauce all over her shirt, looked around for potential customers. However, what little customers there were were lined up at the African-American Student Union’s bake sale. She was tempted to buy a few things herself there, too: they had apple pie, brownies, and snickerdoodles, three of Renee’s favorite desserts. But she had to stay focused on trying to sell candy- she desperately wanted to go to GenkiCon. She swallowed the bite of quesadilla that she had been chewing, put the slice down, and yelled, “CANDY! GET YOUR CHOCOLATE BARS HERE! FIVE FLAVORS, A DOLLAR TWENTYFIVE EACH!” Surprisingly, a tabler from the African-American Student Union got up, crossed the floor, and said, “I’ll have a caramel bar, please.” “That will be $1.25,” said Renee as she handed the girl the candy bar. The girl handed the money to Renee and smiled as she walked back to her table. Renee had to fight the urge to spend the dollar and change she had just earned on a slice of apple pie, but it looked so good… She got up and headed across the floor to the African American Student Union’s table, a different dollar (not the one she had just earned) in her hand. “I’d like a slice of apple pie, please.” The girl who had just bought the candy bar giggled at her. “What’s so funny?” “You just came to return the favor is all.” “Oh. How much is the pie?” “Fifty cents,” said the girl. “I think I have two quarters…” She dug around in her purse, and grabbed a quarter, two dimes, and a nickel. “Hey, that’ll do.” With that, she gave the girl the coins, an another member of the African
American Student Union table cut her a piece of apple pie and put it on a plate, along with a plastic fork. “Thank you,” said Renee as she went back to her table.
And now we get the same process again, then the same process but reversed. There’s a lot of words in this chapter which are pretty much AND THEN HE BOUGHT THIS ITEM WITH MONEY AND WAS SERVED THE ITEM AND THE BUYER WAS GRATEFUL FOR THE ITEM. Alistair had just come back while she was away getting her pie. Not seeing him, she became startled, and almost threw the pie onto the floor, just barely keeping it on the plate. “Am I that scary?” “You startled me, is all.” Alistair took a bite out of his sub. “You know…I am pretty scary. Not only am I a trannyWOOO, SPOOKY- I am also the craziest person to ever idolize Char Aznable!” Renee giggled; it was a rare opportunity when Alistair could actually mock himself. “You are pretty crazy. That’s why you’re awesome.” “Thank you. Please, keep inflating my ego. It might explode.” He took another bite of his sub. This was the start of a great business day; people passed by the sign on the table on the way back from eating lunch at the food court, and they either recognized Haruhi or read the words “CANDY BAR SALE” on the sign, and lined up to get a candy bar to support Anime Club. By the time it was over, Renee and Alistair wondered if they’d even have enough candy left over to sell door-to-door.
And then despite having a shitty sign and the shittiest human being as one of the salespeople they sold nearly all the candy because IT’S MY STORY AND THEY’RE GOING TO GENKICON DAMNIT! Also the obligatory “friends don’t talk like this” that’s been said a million times before. Octatonic “Oh. How much is the pie?” “Fifty cents,” said the girl. No one is raising any funds at all on a 50 cent slice of pie! What the hell?
It perfectly illustrates how little they know about the real world, compared to how much they think they know. It’s the Dunning-Kruger effect in one sentence.
YOU FEEL GOOD, FUCKASS?
The thing I like about the whole candy-selling section is that GenkiCon tickets are $10 and the chocolate is $1.25. They each need to sell 8 whole candy bars. Anybody who couldn’t sell 8 candy bars in two days is even more broken that the cast of MCAC
Khazar-khum This was the start of a great business day; people passed by the sign on the table on the way back from eating lunch at the food court, and they either recognized Haruhi or read the words “CANDY BAR SALE” on the sign, and lined up to get a candy bar to support Anime Club. By the time it was over, Renee and Alistair wondered if they’d even have enough candy left over to sell door-to-door.
Bolding mine. How popular must this thing be to be recognized by people on campus? Wouldn’t a bunch of anime images work just as well? It’s one of those ‘everyone likes it’ plot devices that replace actual research and thought, which is why they are in so many dreadful unpublished stories. Also, as a veteran of fundraiser sales events, I can testify that Alistair would alienate the customers to the point where they’d be lucky not to be chased out by a pitchfork-wielding mob. Well, most people’s reaction to Alistair in this story so far is to go “HOLY SHIT A TRANSEXUAL”. Except for Randy who just wanks over him. Speaking of Randy, he’s back wanking away in the next chapter. Khazar-khum He’s based on the Dragon Age Alistair, isn’t he? That name has become popular ever since DA came along. Of course the only thing this thing and DA’s Alistair have in common is the name.
The Triumphant Namtab my girlfriend just started reading Mills College Anime Club. Her first words were “why does this dickhole write all this bullshit?”
Yeah, I’ve seen Robocop. Bitches, leave.
TVTropes 4: Why do these dickholes write all this bullshit?
OH GOD WHAT
FrancisYorkPatty I am closing this motherbitch of a thread 3 posts in to page 333 and it will be either yours or mine solemn duty to make that thread
“FBI Special Agent Francis York Morgan. Please, just call me York. That’s what everyone calls me.”
I fully intend to hold them to that.
The Power of Fanservice to Sell Chocolate
Right, time for chapter 20: “And now, I will the accusative tense introduce. But first, I would like to some corrections make, in regards to verb tenses. “Sie”, when meaning “you”, always takes the plural form. I am sorry, that I this mistake made. I was thinking in French.” So Liese Meyer began her lecture. And her class groaned, as they did not want to learn accusative forms of nouns.
Ok, seeing as the author makes it a point to always write “x said this in German” when they’re speaking German, I have to assume this is being said in English. This means that sometime between her last featured chapter and this one Liesse’s English speaking deteriorated rapidly. Or perhaps she only knows the language when it’s convenient to the plot. Randy Alvarez especially. He was waiting for class to be dismissed so that he could go out and sell his chocolate bars to the masses, earning himself enough money to pre-register for GenkiCon, hoping that, in so doing, he could finally lose his virginity. Either that or go to a hentai panel. Either one would be fine. Upon thinking of the idea of “hentai panel,” Randy’s mind wandered: he thought of scantily clad female cosplayers gag-dubbing hentai, making immodest orgasm noises when the heroines were getting it on, pretending to be lesbians during the girl-girl scenes, and just letting themselves go in general, all under an assumed hentai alias for the evening such as “Rosie Twatt” or “Ima Badgurl”, or, for actresses playing dick-girls, “Jen Durfolk” or “Iona Cox”. While Liese was mapping out the accusative on the blackboard, Randy found himself in a situation he faced often: he had a raging hard-on.
Ok, Randy has some serious psychological issues. He’s not 13 anymore it’s not normal for a person to get a boner about literally everything. Although if SirPsychoSexy was writing about a 13 year old getting a boner I’d be concerned for a whole different set of reasons. “Ummm... Frau Meyer..can I go to the bathroom?” he blurted out. “Certainly.” She smiled as he bolted out the door. He had to run to the bathroom, and fast. He opened up a stall, furtively slammed and locked the door, unzipped his pants, and got to work. He imagined, at first, two lovely anime ladies with big breasts going down on each other, their moans of pleasure vibrating into each other as they drove each other to the brink of ecstasy- a scene from High School Whores, if he remembered correctly.
“Mnnn...ohhh...Maiko..you are soo...goood...ahhh...” HIs brain associated “Maiko”, the name of the lesbian in the hentai, with Mike, the name of the tall, blond, blue-eyed, muscled guy from anime club. He had fantasized about him before in a dream, where he was the Kuwabara-figure to his Yuusuke, but his conscious mind had never fully explored the possibility of being sexual with him. Oh, God, he could see and feel him now. “Hey, Randy, you like that?” he’d say before he stuck my dick all the way into his hot, wet mouth... “You suck like a god,” I’d exclaim. “Mmph...Mike...shit, man, here it comes...” he loudly anounced from his stall.
So yeah, Randy being Randy, he excuses himself in the middle of class to go and furiously wank in a public bathroom. He literally can’t wait to go home, staying to learn German for his original objective of having sex with a German girl. He’s got to run off and immediately masturbate. “Hey, do you mean me, ‘Mike’? Or some other guy?” Randy, on the brink of reaching orgasm, had to zip up his pants, curious as to who was speaking to him. And yes, here he was: big, blond Mike. Randy’s stomach sunk to his knees. He had no idea what he should be doing. “Umm, yeah, you,” he blurted out, his mind not knowing what his mouth was saying. “I’m kind of flattered, really.” “Huh?” “Yeah, I’m gay.” “I really couldn’t tell...even though I’m bi myself.” “You’re umm...Randy, right?” “Yeah. Randy Alvarez. Don’t know your last name though.” “It’s Bronson. Mike Bronson.” “Cool, man, cool. As you could probably hear, I was whacking off in there.” “It happens to the best of us.” Mike leaned in close. “Do you mind me helping out, or should I go away lest I spoil your expectations of me?”
“Umm...I think I’m going to go it alone for now.” “Okay, I understand. But if you want to come back to my dorm later, that’s cool too.” “Where do you live?” “Omaha, first floor, room 10.” “See you later then, man.” As he went back to class, his erection went down, and he could not believe that there would be a chance to actually lose his virginity- that pesky thing that separated weak, wussy boys from men. Well, other than the other pesky thing that separated boys from men- pubic hair.
So yeah, Mike hears him wanking, and instead of being creeped out that a guy is wanking over him in a public bathroom, he’s flattered and immediately offers to help Randy out, then invites Randy round for sex. I realise this is university and that the author, despite being gay himself, clearly has issues with homosexuals, but this seems insulting. Also the joke at the end of this bit is just terrible. Unfortunately, he had spent so much time in the bathroom that everyone was gone, and he was left alone to copy down the accusative patterns Liese had written on the blackboard, along with the prepositional acronym DOGFU: short for durch, ohne, gegen, fuer, and um; or in English, “through”, “without”, “against,” “for,” and “around”. He wondered if he could memorize DOGFU; maybe he could do it by imagining a dog doing kung-fu through a brick wall, then without his hands, then against Goku, then for the Akatsuki, and then around a Gundam. Or maybe he was doomed to failure in German as well as in sex. He sighed as he got up and left, his notes on the accusative case written hastily.
Once again Randy’s urge to wank all the time has hindered rather than helped him. A normal person would learn but tropers and characters written by tropers are incapable of such neurotypical things. Also if US universities are anything like UK universities he was gone from his lecture for the best part of an hour while wanking in the toilet. Liese had excused her class early so that she could change into her Nia costume; she called Nina up on her cell phone to tell her where she was at.
Oh no wait Liesse can totally excuse a German class early to go do anime stuff. Anime is more important than real work after all.
“Hello? Nina?” she said in German. “Yeah?” “Where are you?” “I’m in the girls’ room over on the second floor of the lecture hall.” “Did you find your fake boob forms?” “Thankfully, I sewed them into my bikini to the last time I cosplayed as Yoko. So, anyway, where are we going to stand and sell candy to the masses?” “I was thinking the central quad out in front of the Cooper Library.” “Which library is Cooper?” “Cooper is the library over by the student union. With the tower. The one our offices are in.” “Then what’s the other library then?” “Stiles,” said Liese. “You know, the library with the big statue of Athena out in front of it?” “Oh, that tacky thing. I never figured out why it was Athena though. It’s not a girls’ school.” “Athena is the goddess of learning, remember? It’s actually kind of apt to have on a university campus.” “Yeah, but why didn’t they just build a statue of the Stiles guy that the library is named after?” “It’s on the base of the statue. He gave his money back in 1934 to build that library, provided that there was a statue of the goddess Athena out in front. M.G. Stiles was apparently a very eccentric millionaire.”
Bit of subtle worldbuilding for the wordcount. Also note that as I said earlier, the author has made it a point that they’re speaking in German now. “Oh, I get it. Did you bring the candy?” “Yep!” “Where are you, by the way?” “Changing in the girls’ bathroom over in Cooper. You know, Library South?” “Did you remember your wig?” “Yeah. How about yours? Anything else missing of yours?”
Nina looked through her bag: the short-shorts, the gun, the bikini top, the wig, the scarf…everything was there. “Nope.” “Well, see you in a couple of minutes then!” “Bye.” Nina hung up. Liese finished pulling on her dress, got out her wig, pinned her natural hair up, put on her wig cap, put on the wig, made sure it was adjusted just right, and then put the large pink flower/scarf/headband-thing into it. She then made sure to put on her jewelry and shoes. As she walked out of the bathroom, a girl commented, “What’s wrong with her? It’s not Halloween yet!” To which her friend responded, “I think that’s one of the people from Anime Club. Just back away from her…slowly…” Liese turned her head. “Pardon me, but I am not at all scary. I am wearing this costume, in order chocolate for Anime Club to sell.” She smiled sweetly at them. “I hate to say this, but…you’re kind of cute in that costume.” “Will you be my girlfriend then?” Liese was blushing wildly. “Sorry, I’m not a dyke.”
Yup, tropers being tropers, the only way to turn down a lesbian advance is through homophobia. At this point Liesse is dressed like the one on the left here, and Nina is dressed like the one on the right:
Liese started sniffling upon being rejected, and walked out to the quad to meet Nina. “Liese-channn!” blurted out Nina upon seeing her friend and roommate. Her tears quickly turned to smiles. “You called me ‘-chan’! How cute!”
Chapter 20 posted: “CANDY FOR SALE!” echoed Nina. “COME GET YOUR PICTURE TAKEN WITH LAST YEAR’S DOKU-CON, FRANKFURT-AM-MAIN, GERMANY, COSPLAY WINNERS! YOKO LITTNER AND NIA TEPPELIN!” “Did they say “Yoko Littner’ and ‘Nia Teppelin’?” asked a man who was just opening the door. “Yeah, they did! And look, their costumes are fucking SWEET!” said a man standing next to him. No sooner did the second man speak than there were a horde of people gathered around Nina and Liese in the quad, begging for chocolate and hugs. “I’ll take two dark chocolate bars,” said a woman. “WE’LL JUST TAKE NIA-TAN!” said a crowd of boys in unison . “There will be no taking of Nia! If you want to hug her, buy some chocolate first!” “Wow,” exclaimed one of the boys who was ogling Liese in her Nia costume, “She’s even got the attitude down pat! MOE~!” “Yeah,” said another, “those two are so moe!” “Let’s buy chocolate off of them!” said a third. “I at least have enough money to buy five!” “No, ten bars!” “Twenty!” “I’ll take a whole case!” “Two whole cases!” Pretty soon, Nina and Liese were mobbed by people who wanted to buy chocolate off of them; about seventy people in, and they had sold all four cases of chocolate. “I AM SORRY, WE ARE OUT OF CANDY!” shouted Nina. The whole crowd looked dejected until one man thought of something. “We will pay for you to pose for pictures with us!” “I AM SORRY,” Nina replied, “BUT WE DO NOT HAVE TIME. YOU MAY TAKE PHOTOS NOW IF YOU SO WISH, BUT DO NOT PAY US FOR THEM.” Just then, a cavalcade of cell-phone cameras and digital cameras started flashing on them. The girls smiled as they knew that they had done a good job, and had proven the power of fanservice to sell chocolate.
There are many things wrong with this, mostly related to sexism and the fact that the second they say which Anime they’re dressed as everyone immediately recognises them and becomes a weeaboo. Seriously, there would not be a horde of people gathering around who have heard of TTGL, regardless of how popular it is to weeaboos. And the next chapter features Mike and Gracie. Spoilers: She’s still homophobic. Cyrai How could anybody, even a Troper, think this was remotely believable? I thought the stereotypes were bad, but this is just absolutely garbage. It shouldn’t be possible to delude yourself enough to think anything like this would ever happen
Vicas When you feel the need to separate literally every sentence that isn’t a line of dialogue into its own paragraph, even if you’re mostly doing it because the rules of writing say new speakers indicate a new paragraph, you are doing something horribly, horribly wrong and should consider closing the Word document immediately.
Die Maus sagt “Let’s-a go!”
Didja Redjo Two girls dress up as anime characters and offer to hug people if they buy a chocolate bar. At an anime convention. Filled with the sort of men who go to anime conventions. The end result is a global chocolate shortage. You don’t think that’s a plausible outcome? Because I’d say it’s pretty goddamn plausible.
No, that’s just at their school.
Oh. Well, it’s still workable. It just needs the gentle touch of an editor. Edited Chapter 20: “CANDY FOR SALE!” echoed Nina. “COME GET YOUR PICTURE TAKEN WITH LAST YEAR’S DOKU-CON, FRANKFURT-AM-MAIN, GERMANY, COSPLAY WINNERS! YOKO LITTNER AND NIA TEPPELIN!”
Heads turned. Eyebrows quirked. The room fell into a long, bewildered silence. “Um,” said a student. “What?” Later that evening, Nina and Liese ate four cases of chocolate.
Good, but it should actually be Edited Chapter 20: “CANDY FOR SALE!” echoed Nina. “COME GET YOUR PICTURE TAKEN WITH LAST YEAR’S DOKU-CON, FRANKFURT-AM-MAIN, GERMANY, COSPLAY WINNERS! YOKO LITTNER AND NIA TEPPELIN!” Heads turned. Eyebrows quirked. The room fell into a long, bewildered silence. “Um,” said a student. “What?” Later that evening, Nina and Liese ate four cases of chocolate.
Everyone knows books aren’t allowed to have more than one sentence per line unless they’re dialogue
“She’s not really a lady. She has a wiener.” TV Tropes, producing the world’s finest writers.
So Randy is theme naming right? If no, then it’s a perfect coincidence. If yes, then I hate the author even more. Mike catches a guy wanking in a public restroom: “It happens to the best of us.” No, no it doesn’t! Anyone who can’t keep it in their trousers for a few hours a day needs serious help. If I were to open a stall and catch someone masturbating, I’d not roll my eyes and go “Oh you, I’ve found myself in this situation too”, I’d yell “Security!” This story just never fails to make me feel despair.
Randy’s his nickname. His real name is in spoiler tags on TVTropes so I guess I don’t get to tell you yet. Also you missed the best bit, Mike didn’t just catch a guy wanking in a public bathroom, he caught a guy wanking in a public bathroom while moaning his name. Incidentally, I’m not sure what to make of the fact you used a quote from MCAC as your avatar.
Interlude: Enemy Mayan
Build Your Own Boat
Enemy Mayan certainly has a perfect storm of troper-bait. The Sex Star: Summer: You’ll have to bear with me. I have Asperger’s Syndrom. Shannon: Is it contagious?
Drink this Now you’re like me.
More of This Shit: The Commander:You’re probably wondering what you’ve been brought here for. Summer: You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition! Wow. Summer sounds...like a really special young lady. Wait, there’s more! Vicky: I don’t have much experience with nature. Leigh Ann: Ain’t nothin’ natural about this place You’re not supposed to use double negatives! It doesn’t end Katie: I’m okay. A mosquito bit me, is all. Priscilla: Even in space, those things are a pain in the ass. Yeah, those space mosquitoes...they sure do suck. Spoiler warning! And an upcoming quote from a future installment: Summer: You remember the plan, right? Shannon: Of course. I might not be a rocket surgeon, but I can get this much right. You get it? She’s stupid. That’s the character. It’s Ralph Wiggum. In what, I assume, is sexy space.
Build Your Own Boat
Earlier I quoted some of troper Enemy Mayan’s favorite lines. Since they were written in that crude, almost stage format, style, I assumed it was another “hey, this book will be hot shit when I actually write it!” posts. I learned that I was wrong. I also learned that we’ve discussed Enemy Mayan before. Way-backwhen, Bad Bromance was quoting horrible rape-pitches, and a troper called Pinata posted this...well...whatever this is.
Drink this Now you’re like me.
The Women In Black: Genre: Action with slight touches of Horror on occasion, with Fetish Fuel bordering on Exploitation Synopsis: In an as-yet undetermined (possibly fictional) US city, preferably with a warm climate for reasons[link to fanservice] that will become readily apparent later, ... A serial rapist targeting joggers at the city park is the perfect opportunity for Pandora to model some Sensual Spandex running gear. And for a creator cameo, since I plan to cast myself as the Villain of the Week. Bad Bromance helped us out by posting his résumé. Check This Out Nobel Committee: The Sex Star: Web Serial Novel written for Literotica, currently on Chapter 12. Jason Frost and the Muggle-born Revolt (work in progress): Prequel Fan Fic to Honorable Hogwarts, showing what the OCs were doing during the timeframe of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. In the Potterverse, The Revolution Will Not Be Civilized. Sea Dog Cemetery: PWP story written for Literotica’s Halloween contest in 2011. Candy For Candy: Another Literotica Halloween contest entry. Pinata loves Halloween. The Ghost Writer: The third, and final, Literotica Halloween contest entry. A serious horror story that just happens to have sex in it, rather than PWP like the other two. Drew a comparison to Stephen King in a user-posted comment. Candy Everybody Wants (work in progress): Due to heavy user demand on Literotica for a sequel to Candy For Candy, Pinata is working to produce one.
Happy Holidays, Damn It! (work in progress): Being written for Literotica’s Winter Holidays Contest 2011. Quite possibly the first story ever entered in that contest to be submitted to the Erotic Horror section. Ella Inseminated (work in progress): X-rated version of Ella Enchanted, being written for (what else?) Literotica. Not a contest entry. Apparently, Pinata took issue with some of TVTropes’ practices. He was pretty incensed. He even went so far as to leave the site. He even joined, or started, or claims some involvement with a thing called “WritersAgainstTVTropes.” It is almost admirable. Until you remember that this is the guy who wrote something called “Emma Inseminated” and wanted people to know about it. Pinata isn’t like any of the recovering-troper goons in this thread. He isn’t like annebeeche. Pinata is insane. Pinata’s Profile History: Update: I’ve left TV Tropes now. I was willing to put up with my favorite trope names being changed to less fun things, and even though it left a bad taste in my mouth not even the deletion of the IJBM forum could drive me away... Now, I may be reading this wrong. At least, I want to be reading this wrong. As near as I can tell, he was fed up with the “moral guardians” and “censorship” on TVTropes. He hated the name-changes (most likely the weeaboo Japanese Culture trope names, if his writing is anything to go by.) He got pissed off that IJBM got deleted (it’s still there though, isn’t it? Isn’t that where we got all those Chagen quotes?) But, much like WWI America, he let it all slide off his back. But you can only push someone so far. Pinata’s Zimmerman Telegram: but the campaign to “[[CensorshipTropes clean up]]” the TroperTales section is too much. As with other sites that have been invaded by MoralGuardians, I’m jumping off the ship before it sinks. I had some good times here. I’ll miss most of you. If anyone chose to watch this page, I’m truly honored that you felt I was worth that much attention, and hope that I made it worth your while. If you agree with me about the censorship, put a RedLink to WritersAgainstTVTropes somewhere on your contributor page. Trying to make it a blue link would just get it slapped down by a mod, so a red link makes a much more effective statement... the page should never actually be created.
It was Troper Tales. Not even deleting Troper Tales, but the campaign to change it. Now, I’m no fancy Matlock, lawyerin’ around Atlanta, but I reckon that deleting Troper Tales was more an issue of brand integrity than censorship. Sure, technically they are limiting what you say, but they’re doing it by taking away a place to say it. And God knows it didn’t stop them from acting like dumbasses. But whatever. As much as I love splitting hairs, that’s not what this is about. So, Pinata runs off, and does whatever it is “internet writers” and “fanfic celebrities” do. I could look it up, but quite frankly my therapist wouldn’t allow it. It doesn’t really matter in the long run. All you need to know is Pinata throws a hissy fit over TVTropes changing from a terminal case of inoperable metastatic cancer, to a “we’ll do what we can, let’s be thankful we caught it early.” Like Guy in White before him, Pinata couldn’t just let us live in peace. Eventually, some dude going by “Enemy Mayan” crops up. It’s Pinata. Now, that goes without saying, but it is important. Because no one was supposed to know that Enemy Mayan was Pinata’s parachute account. And Pinata tried to keep it under wraps. You know, by palling around with Pinata’s old friends, frequenting Pinata’s haunts, posting excerpts and quotes from Pinata’s stories, and copying his “Tropes that apply to me” section word-for-word. He gets outed by another troper, and is currently living out his existence on the (apparently) censorship-laden world of TVTropes. But there’s always a silver lining. Apparently Mythology 101 Cycle author Jeremy Frost (I didn’t look it up; he put his real name in his troper page; please don’t get all internet detective on him) is registered with the Troper Dating Service. Good luck, you crazy son of a bitch! Remember to check him out, if your into 33 year-old misogynists, and probable rapists. Sorry for all the history but I’ve learned that I’m fascinated with what I’m now calling “Nerd-Court Intrigue.” Maybe it’s just interesting to me. Any-who, Pinata is a self-important shit-stain(troper.) And, as a selfimportant shit-stain on the internet(troper,) he’s a writer. My. Fucking. God. Is he a writer. While Mythology 101 Cycle is nothing more than some character sheets he has actually put some stuff out. Remember that annoying ass story I quoted from? Well I looked into it. It’s called The Sex Star and it’s being “published” on literotica. As an aside, literotica is certainly a classy website. I highly recommend it if you want to fill your computer with malware; you really need your name on an FBI registry; or if you ever find yourself with justtoo much faith in your fellow man. It kind of asks to be made fun of, Namtab-style. But it makes me want to die. That’s always a con. I really don’t want to read it any more than I have to. Plus I don’t know how it’d work. It is really long (twelve chapters) and it is graphic. It is absolutely terrible. It’s outright porn. What’s the protocol for posting graphic erotica? There aren’t any pictures, but it certainly isn’t worksafe. Pretty normal by internet standards smut, but whatever. It’s erotica, as written by a troper
(and aspiring writer). I’m not sure if there are rules against posting such things, so I’m going to play it safe for now. I’ll do it if anyone wants to see it. (You don’t, by the way.) I’ll be back in a bit. I’ve got to go stand on a ledge and convince myself that life is worth living… …again…
Namtab Build Your Own Boat posted: It kind of asks to be made fun of, Namtab-style. When the fuck did I become the harbinger of a genre of mocking?
The true face of horror
Namtab Mythology101cycle: A work-in-progress by Pinata (real name to be revealed upon publication, but as of right now he’s ingested a bit too much Paranoia Fuel), this 10-book fantasy/Deconstruction of fantasy series essentially asks the question, “What if Quentin Tarantino wrote The Chronicles of Narnia?“
The true face of horror
Not only is it Troperiffic, Bloodier and Gorier, Darker and Edgier, and Hotter and Sexier (that is, if you’re not scarred for life by it), it’s also being intentionally constructed with No Fourth Wall. Because it’s a work in progress, don’t expect many spoilers here, at least not plot-oriented ones. Comments on the discussion page are welcome, especially since I’m curious whether there’s actually a market for something that’s this far out there. The story follows a professor of folklore and mythology — and his students, and a cop who gets dragged into the mix — who are recruited by an Elvish princess to help her fulfill an ancient prophecy back in her world (referred to by the characters as the “World of Myth”).
So with my uncanny ability to translate tropes, this tells us that the story is going to be in the generic fantasy genre, except there will be lots of swearing and sex. Lots of sex, with fetishes that are so unusual you will probably be sickened by them. It’s also being touted as a deconstruction with no fourth wall, so what this means is that a fantasy cliche will happen but the characters will stand around talking about it, commenting on how absurd it is that that thing happened. The least subtle
deconstruction possible. Also, you know how some pages read like the author wrote them like he’s not the writer of the page but it’s really obvious he is? This guy is a lot less subtle. Some tropes: Author Appeal: As mentioned on my contributor page, there seems to be a lot of lesbian sex in pretty much everything I write. Also, the stuff about breastmilk and the Black and Gray Morality. Author Filibuster: We’re continually reminded that monogamy is an abomination against nature. Averted Trope: The Cape, Chickification, Children Are Innocent, If You Kill Him, You Will Be Just Like Him, No Bisexuals, Sex Is Evil, Thou Shalt Not Kill. ... Fetish-Fuel Future: Let’s see... Everyone is Bi, breast milk is considered sacred, monogamy is frowned upon, several cultures have No Nudity Taboo and a few have no incest taboo, lycanthropes are endowed with Exotic Equipment, and one of the main gods has Naughty Tentacles. ... Moral Dissonance: Even after having the word explained to her, Alira still thinks “slut” has a positive connotation, and refers to herself as one from the first book on. This is because Elves view sex very differently from humans, especially the more conservative humans in our world. This actually leads to a Crowning Moment of Funny: “Hi, I’m Alira. I’m a slut.” My Girl Is a Slut: See Moral Dissonance. Other examples occur as well. This is Author Appeal, since the creator of the work doesn’t believe in monogamy. ... Pale-Skinned Brunette: Slightly more than half the female cast, possibly as a result of Perverse Sexual Lust Author Appeal. ... Pettanko: Some of the female Elves are these, especially Lyona who plays it totally straight. Carrie refers to Alira as “The Itty Bitty Titty Committee” at one point, so Alira plays it fairly straight too. ... Rape Is OK If It’s Female on Male: Ruthlessly averted. ... Zettai Ryouiki: Of the leather and latex variety, but it fits.
Tropers, fuck you. E: Can’t forget that this porn story features the wonderful trope of “Really 700 Years Old”. The calling card of the anime-loving paedophile trying to justify his paedophilia “b-b-but it’s ok if I wank to this thing that looks like a child, she’s really 954 and has a degree in sociology”
So I am dumb and realised that BYOB was talking about reading “the Sex Star”, not “Mythology 101 Cycle” (which will hopefully never exist). So being the kindhearted goon I am, I checked out the first chapter. Aren’t I nice? Yeah, this is honestly disgusting. I’ll quote the basic premise (the spoiler is slightly . Not sure what PYF’s rules on NWS text is but I’ll play it safe). The Sex Star: “You are to take part in a game,” the voice continued. “You will be competing against another team of women, and everything you do while aboard my station will cause you to either gain or lose points. At the end of each week, the team with the least points must vote a member out, at which point she will become my slave. The quickest way to accrue points is in combat. I have hundreds of guards at my disposal, and they will be actively hunting you. There are also numerous other creatures on board, all of which will attack you if given the opportunity. None of them want to kill you, or even injure you... they are only interested in sex.” “Sure, because rapists and slavers have a lot to be morally superior about,” Leigh Ann muttered. “I’m a virgin,” Katie said, shivering uncontrollably. Shannon’s hand had gone to her pussy again. She moaned as the man on the intercom resumed his speech. Angela was idly stroking her cock as well. ”Each time you elude my guards without being fucked for one full hour, your team will earn 100 points. If you defeat the guards in battle without being fucked, that will give you 500 points. Defeating anything else in battle will get you 200 points. Each time you are fucked against your will, you will lose your team 20 points. Each time you willingly submit to sex, or force one of the guards or other creatures to have sex with you against their will, you will earn 20 points. Each time you ascend a level, you will earn 50 points. You are Team 1, and your Captain will be Priscilla. Welcome to the Sex Star, ladies. I hope you enjoy yourselves.”
The true face of horror
And that’s pretty much what happens, everyone fucks. Without subtlety, without pause, there’s a gas that makes them horny and guns that make them cum, I want to take a shower now. So far I’ve seen slavery, misogyny and transphobia (Angela is described as a shemale). I’m not reading any more. I have fun insulting tropers fantasy/drama/comedy, I am repulsed when tropers write porn. Plus I think I probably got added to 15 crimefighting watchlists just for looking at that page.
Build Your Own Boat
I know. It’s terrible. That’s all this fucker writes. It’s all porn. And he refers to himself as a “writer.” He was putting quotes from that thing in “Favorite lines from your own writing.” Now, I’m not going to badmouth people who write erotica. I don’t want to talk down to the porn industry. They provide a valuable service. But they know what they do. There aren’t many pornstars that think that Interracial Lesbian Sluts #9 is going to win them an Oscar. I’m not judging this guy as an erotica writer. I’m judging this guy as an author. The dude claims that one of his stories is “a serious horror story that just happens to have sex in it.” But it isn’t. It’s just the same shit, only the characters don’t make as many snide comments. And there are still tons of “snarking.” It’s like he went down a checklist of troper-style shit-writing and just threw it all in. He’s got that Civilian Tom or that MadassAlex thing where he tries to write exciting scenes but you just get a list of things that happen. He tries to spice it up with colorful or descriptive words, but they often don’t fit, and it get’s disturbing. Wrong She could still feel a very large amount of fluid sloshing around inside her Sexy...? Plus, like all of TVTropes, he is a weeaboo. He has diluded himself into thinking that anime is the end-all-be-all to all art. Thus, he crams as many anime tropes into his work as he can. Remember that “shemale” that Namtab mentioned? She isn’t a trans person. She is a woman with a penis. That’s it. For all intents and purposes, she is a woman. There isn’t anything implying that she was born male, or that she is a trans-man. She is just a woman who has a plot-convenient penis. Now, there are two reasons for this. One, Pinata can’t write a sex scene without cock. It can only be sex if there is a dick. I think that’s in the Bible. Two, Anime! He even says this. Anime: After a few minutes of moving through the station without talking, Priscilla turned to Angela. “So, are there others like you?” she asked. “You mean dickgirls?” the redhead replied, using the term the only boyfriend she had ever had who wasn’t completely freaked out by her condition had used. “I’ve never seen another real one, but they’re common in Japanese animation from what I understand. And if I exist, there’s no reason another few hundred can’t. Right?” “Right,” Priscilla said. “I was just wondering because I’ve never met anyone like you either. So if there are others like you, then they’re rare.”
Drink this Now you’re like me.
I hate this guy.
Namtab I’ll admit I’m very much a layman here, I don’t know a lot about writing other than I’m bad at it, and I know even less about writing porn, but the problem with this is pretty much that all we’re getting is a ton of over the top shagging that isn’t remotely sexy. There’s no soul to it is the best way I can put it. Even smut can be written well, this is not.
The true face of horror
Build Your Own Boat
Enemy Mayan posted: …at least one very explicitly detailed sex scene — preferably lesbian in nature — is a must. But no romance, at least not in the traditional sense. Explicitly detailed lesbian sex without any romance! There’s this writer on literotica named Pinata who writes something that you might...oh... Speaking of Pinata. I decided to share more of his fucked up marvel with you. Why? Because misery loves company. Everything in it makes me feel like I walked in on a guy jerking off, and he wouldn’t stop. Then, of course it also dabbles in the utterly terrifying.
Drink this Now you’re like me.
Erin’s cum flooded Tina’s pussy, setting off her own orgasm, and she redoubled her efforts and managed to bring Vicky off only about half a minute thereafter. However, when she presented her pussy to Vicky for reciprocal licking the redhead simply slapped her on the ass and walked away. “Erin! Get her!” Tina cried indignantly, and the shemale gladly tackled Vicky to the ground. “Fuck her in the ass!” Tina added as an afterthought. Vicky struggled in vain as Erin inserted her cock into her tight little asshole. Tina pressed her crotch against the redhead’s face, forcing her to either lick or suffocate to death. Erin’s cum ran out of Tina’s pussy and down Vicky’s chin as it poured into her mouth in greater quantities than she could handle. “Play with her clit!” Tina instructed Erin. “Make her enjoy it!”
That is a rape scene. That’s what that was. Look at the dialog. It’s something you’d expect Kelly McGillis to be quoting to a jury. Remember, this is written by a troper. So we don’t have to worry about Vicky...
Vicky moaned into Tina’s cunt as the shemale forced her to like being anally raped. Erin’s cum spurting into her asshole set off her own orgasm, and she buried her face in Tina’s pussy to muffle her screams.
Well...uh...God...as long as she’s happy? On a somewhat lighter note, he said “set off her...orgasm.” It’s like fucking Taygon wrote this. Good lord. That isn’t even the worst part. See, the Sex Star has orgasm guns. Also horny gas. They don’t call them that, but that’s what they do. So the disembodied voice let’s the horny gas loose, so the futanewhoffs and the lesbians decide it’s rape time. But not all the naked kidnapped girls are lesbians or futowatas. And I must say, I simpathize with them. They don’t want to get raped by doped up anime-monsters. So they pick up the guns, and try to defend themselves. But they are orgasm guns! [gasp!] (just to illustrate his sense of pacing, this takes place imediately after Priscilla and Angela have an idle chat about the epidemiology of dicks on girls.)
The dickgirls returned fire. They were well-trained, and Summer, Brandi and Shannon all went down. Leigh Ann and Priscilla managed to hit their targets, evening the odds. Angela and Priscilla went down in the dickgirls’ next salvo though, and Leigh Ann only managed to take down one more dickgirl before being hit herself. Katie fired, but missed. The three remaining dickgirls rushed and disarmed her, then forced her into the doggy position. Two of them restrained her arms while the third positioned her cock at the entrance to Katie’s tight virgin cunt. “No!” Katie protested. “Please, stop! I’m a virgin!”
“Well then, I’ll be gentle. Ish,” the dickgirl replied before driving a third of her 15-inch dick into Katie’s hole. Katie’s screams made the dickgirl hotter, and her dick swelled inside the virgin’s cunt. As she drove three more inches inside, she tore through Katie’s hymen roughly. The dickgirls restraining Katie’s arms were now using their free hands to play with her nipples, and she felt herself juice up involuntarily. This allowed the dickgirl to slip another inch inside her... she was now being fucked with nine inches.
Why must it be exactly fifteen inches. Can’t it just be big? I know tropers have to be scientific with their laser-cannon calibers. I’m not some epic world builder, but I don’t want to imagine the amount of pain involved in this. But, again, this is a troper...so...
Pleasure was starting to override the initial pain, and in spite of herself Katie humped back at the cock to get more of it inside her. Two more inches slid past her tight lips. It was starting to hurt again, but Katie was too far gone to care. She said the words that she had never thought, being a good Christian girl, she would say: “Fuck me!” Her wanting it apparently pushed the dickgirl over the edge, and the sensation of her pussy being flooded with cum triggered Katie’s own orgasm. This broke down the last of her resistance, and she smiled seductively at the other two dickgirls and said, “Do whatever you want to me.” How does one “trigger” an orgasm? By the way. All this is from the first chapter. The first of twelve. So far!
Who? Who in their right mind would publish this? The deed’s already done, one can’t unwrite this desecration against the written word. You can hold down the backspace key. You can delete it off your hard drive. You can even burn the computer it was composed on. Yet, some piece of it will still exist in some capacity. Knowing that, why would anyone see fit to share this?
The Saddest Rhino
Oh man, this is some hilarious parody of troper ficti wait this is something unironic? Supposed to titillate (hee hee)? I mean “Play with her clit!” the dickgirls returned fire. “Please stop! I’m a virgin!” “Fuck me! I’ll be gentle, ish.”
Octatonic It has SEX in it!! What do you mean it’s not sexy?!?! I am pretty sure this is how most “literary erotica” on the internet works.
He was capable to do you in: brutal, healthy, no principles, and wrote on commission.
Well, this is troper fiction so it’s all about the points. The system being used is: Edude guards for one hour without getting raped: 100 points Defeat guards in battle without getting raped: 500 points Defeat non guards in battle: 200 points Get raped: Lose 20 points Rape another: Gain 20 points Get raped but enjoy it: Gain 20 points Go upstairs: 50 points. So I make it 2 counts of getting raped and 2 counts of being raped but enjoying it, so 80 points. Fuck tropers, seriously. For the record, if you enjoy the rape you don’t lose the 20 points from being raped. TVTropes The Third: I need a scoring system in my rape novel TVTropes The Third: If there’s no sex I won’t read it. TVTropes The Third: The shemale forced her to like being anally raped
The true face of horror
Namtab Enemy Mayan posted: I might not be a genius, but I’m certainly of above-average intelligence. Therefore, referring to me as the lowest common denominator is not only insulting but also extremely inaccurate. I’m a smart guy who happens to love sex, the more meaningless the better.
The true face of horror
The irony is that no troper will ever get laid
Hahahaha Enemy Mayan for best poster. how dare you say wanting explicit lesbian sex scenes no matter what the context of the book could be wrong?
Die Maus sagt “Let’s-a go!”
“Man, I’m really enjoying The Brothers Karamazov, I just really wish they were sisters and also inside each other.”
Yeah, I’ve seen Robocop. Bitches, leave.
The Saddest Rhino
You know what the Three Kingdoms needed. Instead of Liu Bei, Zhang Fei and Guan Yu taking a pact to be brothers-in-arms, they should totally fuck instead. Now that’s intelligent storytelling and not lowest common denominator at all.
so many tears
The next day in the peach garden, they prepared a black ox, white horse, and other sacrifices. The three men burned incense, worshiped again, and took their oath saying: “We, Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei, although of different surnames, now bind ourselves as brothers, that we may with one heart and united strength, resolve each other’s difficulties, support each other in danger, protect the state above and defend the common people below; we ask not the same year, month, and day of birth, btu wish to die on the same year, month, and day. May the Heavenly Emperor and the Earthly Consort inspect our hearts; and if we ignore righteousness or forget kindness, may Heaven and man both strike us down.” A passing poet and monk of tropes had this to say on the matter: “In all the world under Heaven no nakama is as beautiful as this, and these burly men are assuredly deeply in love as well, for who can resist Guan Yu’s mighty beard or Zhang Fei’s ferocious seme nature or Liu Bei’s robust musculature. The beauty of their brotherly love would only be heightened were it matched with the erotic, and finally I would have something to masturbate to again. It’s artistic.” At this Liu Bei frowned heavily and said thusly, “This is not in accordance with my or any other man’s desires, and you are an ignoble rebel.” What happened to the troper monk will be disclosed in the following chapter.
Of Mice and Men: “WHY DON’T LENNY AND GEORGE SIMPLY KILL THE GREAT DEPRESSION? WHERE ARE THE ACTION SEQUENCES AND SEX SCENES!?”
Fuzzy dice, bongos in the back My ship of love is ready to attack
A Real Yaoi Boy Wouldn’t
This motherfucker justifies his “ethics” with the writings of archaic philosophers and he’s not even a philosophy major. To whoever guessed he’s just regurgitating shit from an intro course, here’s your confession.
I’m imagining him penniless after being continually rejected from every journal imaginable. He won’t get a job involving any sort of labor. After all, he fancies himself as an intellectual who’s too dainty to wear jeans, let alone work with his hands. So he’ll end up burning all that Western canon he treasures so much for a few more hours of warmth before dying like a dog in the streets. Actually, I shouldn’t say that. People like dogs. Is there even photo evidence of him sharing a room with the same person on more than one occasion?
After Deboss gets fired from his Cartbot job they’ll work in a convenience store together. It’ll be like Clerks but instead of all the charming 90’s asshole moments and self aware speech at the end they’ll just take turns jacking off to Anime porn in the bathroom.
Cease to Hope
Desine fata deum flecti sperare precando.
From what I’ve learned reading Mills College Anime Club, they don’t take turns.
Did someone say Anime? Gracie and Mike were waiting for the bus, each clutching three boxes of chocolate bars. “I wish the bus would come...” said Mike, looking around in desperation as if this were the last bus out of Burning Man, and the hippies all around him, high on marijuana, wanted to eat him alive. “Hehe, you said ‘come’,” quipped Gracie. “That joke is so lame. Besides, I thought you were more couth than that. You sounded like Beavis and Butt-head.” SirPsychoSexy probably hugged himself after that. The at that simile, I truly am a literary genius”. Then he went and wanked to anime porn. “Beavis and Butt-head are gross,” said Gracie, “but I bet someone wrote yaoi about them!” Her whole face was beaming. “Why would you like to read about two guys you think are gross? Come on. I only read fanfiction about the guys I want to have sex with. Well, erotic fanfiction. If there’s no sex involved, than I don’t really care either way- I’m fine with guy-on-guy, guy-on-girl, and girlon-girl.” Upon Mike’s saying “guy-on-girl” and “girl-on-girl”, Gracie made a face of complete and utter disgust. “What’s wrong? Like I said before, heterosexuality and lesbianism aren’t somehow evil. I don’t think that because I’m a guy who likes guys. My moms showed me that any kind of love is beautiful and…” “You’re such a screwball,” said Gracie. “A real yaoi boy wouldn’t say things like that!” est expression on his face “Look
Stay classy, Gracie “Yaoi isn’t all that realistic in the first place. I tried to tell you, but you won’t listen. I thought you’d learn after that fiasco with Missy, but…” “Screw Missy,” she spat. “I’ve got a new yaoi boytoy!”
How dare Missy imply she’s not actually a gay man! “Screw Missy” she spat. So much venom. “Who?” Mike scratched his head while he made sure to balance the boxes of chocolate in the crook of his other arm.
“His name is Lance LaRue,” she gushed, “and he is so incredibly gay! He wears makeup, his hair is bleached, he only wears designer labels, and he has this adooorable lisp! I also love it when he grabs my boobies!” “He’s not gay! I know him through Randy, and the guy is straighter than a pole! He’s just really flamboyant is all!” Mike slapped his forehead in disgust. “If he’s not gay, then why did he take my virginity last night, huh? It has to be yaoi!” Mike sighed. “Sometimes, I wonder about what mental gymnastics you have to do in order to live with yourself. You’re a nice girl and all, but God…”
Other than her casual homophobia, she’s a nice girl. Also I’ve never once heard of straight men acting gay to get women. Have I been living too sheltered of a life? Can’t believe I missed this the first time round. She lost her virginity to Lance. Somehow while being attracted to Lance for acting gay she let him, a man, have sex with her, a woman. Every time I read this story I find new layers of shit. It’s a fucking onion of bad writing. Just then the bus stopped. Gracie and Mike got on, flashed their student ID cards to the driver, and found a seat- but not next to each other. Upon getting off of the bus at the corner of Pine and Main, in the adjacent town of Millstown, named for the college- a college town par excellance if there ever was such a thing- Gracie and Mike decided to look around for houses to sell to. They came across a green and white Victorian on Pine Street; there was a mutual understanding that this would be the first house they would hit.
So many words for so little content. Mike knocked at the door. “Excuse me, we’re selling candy…” The door slowly opened; a tiny old man, face wrinkled like a Shar-Pei’s, walked out. Mike was afraid to say it, but he looked exactly like Happosai, the panty thief from Ranma ½. “Can I help you, young man?” “Yes. We’re selling underwear- I mean candy- for Anime Club…” “What did you say about underwear?”
“We’re selling candy.” “Sorry, I have diabetes. Can’t touch the stuff or my blood sugar will go through the roof.” “Very well, then.” Mike sulked, went back to where Gracie was standing, and ordered her to march on to the next house. More filler, but with an ANIME joke. Gracie rung the doorbell at the next house, with Mike following her just in case. A woman who looked awfully similar to Faye Valentine, but in a yellow t-shirt and jeans instead of the real Faye’s stripperific yellow costume, answered the door. “What do you want?” she asked, blasé. “I am selling candy for the Mills College Anime Club,” she tried saying professionally, “and these lovely bars are only a dollar twenty-five apiece.” “I’m watching my figure,” she said, “but Robert and Mark might want some. BOYS, GET OUT HERE!” she yelled into the house. “THERE ARE COLLEGE KIDS SELLING CANDY!” At that instant, a tall man, dressed all in black, walked towards the door. “Can I help you two?” He smiled; he was obviously trying to smile sweetly, but, due to his appearance, he ended up smiling somewhere between a hyena and an escaped schizophrenic. “Um…ummm…” Mike muttered. “I…I want…to s-s-s-sell you c-c-c-candy.” “PLEASE DON’T KILL US!” shouted Gracie. “Yeah, and don’t, um, open up a tunnel to Demon World either.” “Demons?” asked the man, confused. “Kill? I’d do no such thing. I just want your candy.” “NO YOU DON’T!” Gracie yelled. “YOU JUST WANT TO KILL ALL OF HUMANITY, YOU WRETCHED BASTARD! JUST BECAUSE YOU WENT INSANE THAT NIGHT AT THE BLACK BLACK CLUB!” “I do not get what you’re talking about here.” Robert scratched his head. “I have ten dollars; give me some candy.” “Umm…have you ever seen this anime called Yu Yu Hakusho?” said Mike. “You You Hockeyshow? Never heard of it. Do I resemble a puck or something?” “Um, no, that’s not it. You look almost exactly like one of the villains. A Shinobu Sensui. And…ummm…I think he’s, no, you’re kind of hot.” “I don’t date kids that young, sorry,” Robert answered. “Yeah, I came out of the closet a year ago, but I’m not a chicken hawk, sorry. But thank you for the compliment.” “But…isn’t that lady your wife?” asked Gracie.
“She’s my ex-wife. Funny story. We were madly in love until we both learned we were gay. I caught her cheating on me with a woman, she caught me cheating on her with a man…yeah. Life is weird.” “So what’s she doing here?” “We can’t be friends?” Robert looked puzzled again. “Besides, it’s her weekend to take Mark. Our son.” “Oh.” “So…how many candy bars will you take?” “I’ll have...hmm…” Robert looked down into Gracie’s case- “three milk chocolates, a cookies-and-cream, a caramel, and two green tea bars, please.” “That’ll be nine seventy-five, please.” “Here,” he said, “here’s a ten. Keep the change.” As they walked away from the house, Gracie murmured, “Man, Sensui used to be married to Faye Valentine. Who knew?” “That’s not really Sensui or Faye,” replied Mike, “but it’s still extremely creepy, because all you can think of is the cosmic amount of wrongness that pairing would engender.” Wendy, the woman who looked like Faye Valentine, called her ex-husband back inside of the house. “You see, Robert? THIS is why you should never wear black from head to toe! You scare small children- scratch that, you scare everybody! My girlfriend is terrified of you! And you can’t get a date! Get changed, for God’s sake.” “All right,” Robert sulked as he went to his bedroom.
In Mills College Town, everyone looks like an anime! Fuck this sequence. Gracie and Mike walked down towards the arcade on the corner of Pine and Isbell (the name of this street made otaku laugh, because all they could read was “Ishbal”), and decided to park themselves on the bench in front of the arcade. “Man, I’m beat!” Mike wiped the sweat from his brow. “Join the club,” Gracie sulked. Two teenage girls walked up towards them. “Hey, are you selling candy?” the more feminine, elegant one said.
“Yeah. Want some?” “Sure. Me and my cousin would love some!” “Cousin? You mean she’s not your girlfriend?” “We’re both lesbian,” said the butcher girl, “but we’re also cousins. So any touchy-feely between us is right out!” “Has anyone told you, you two look just like Sailors Uranus and Neptune?” asked Mike. “We get it all the time!” the Neptune-look-alike said. “Yeah,” said her cousin, “we’ve been watching Sailor Moon since forever. Plus we’ve actually gone as Uranus and Neptune up to GenkiCon last year.” “Awesome,” said Mike. “Finally,” whispered Gracie in his ear, “people who actually know they are clones of anime characters!” I was right, this is the town of anime. Plus there’s a curiously high homosexual demographic. Almost as if the author’s just making every character anime and gay to prove a point, as opposed to having people interacting with other people and their sexuality and favourite media doesn’t affect every one of their actions. Fuck Mills College. Mike smiled. “So…what are your guys’ names?” “I’m Michelle,” said the Neptune look-alike, “and my cousin here is Sarah.” “Pleased to meet you,” Sarah said as she bowed. “Neat. My moms are lesbian. My birth mom is Laverne, and her partner is Shirley.” “Laverne? Shirley?” Michelle scratched her head. “Weird names.” “Anyways,” said Sarah, “we’d like some chocolate.” “What would you like?” Gracie asked. “We’ll take four cookies-and-cream bars, please.” “Five dollars.” Michelle and Sarah each got out two-fifty, and handed it over to Gracie.
“Thank you!” Gracie cheered. The two Sailor Scout lookalikes left. “Umm...Gracie…” “Yeah?” “Do you know the way back to the bus stop?” “I think there’s one on this road that goes back to the college.” She looked across the street. “Over there! By that house with the stained-glass windows!” “I think that’s a museum, but I can see the bus stop.” They then crossed the road , stood at the bus stop, and returned back to campus.
ANIME And that is the abrupt end to chapter 21. Next chapter: Randy and Mike meet up and kiss. It goes about as well as you’d expect.
I’m Still a Fucking Virgin, Man! I Whack Off Like Three Times A Day! Take Some Pity On Me, Will You? (a.k.a. The Troper’s Lament)
Razorwired Also, since MCAC is one of the funniest things in this thread I thought I’d post a video of an Anime club that’s probably 100% Troper. http://youtu.be/0SJ018DShrU Well then this one’s for you. But before we start I’ve been informed that acting flamboyantly gay to get girls is used as a straight man’s dating strategy, or at least 1980s playboy says it is. Mike Bronson was waiting for Randy Alvarez in his dorm room; however, his thoughts right now were not about getting laid at all. He had just come back from a make-up stint in his anatomy and physiology lab, where he and his group had to examine the liver of their cat, which they had named “Mr. Scruffles” because he was a sixteenpound, scruffy-looking, ginger-and-white tom. A dead sixteen-pound, scruffy-looking ginger and white tomcat, but who they called Mr. Scruffles nonetheless. Right now he was trying to diagram the portal arteries and veins of Mr. Scruffles as best he could, remembering which blood vessel came out of which lobe of the liver based on his notes. He wished someone else could draw this damn thing for him, maybe an art major. Mike could not draw to save his life; and even if he could, he probably wouldn’t be wasting his time of anatomical drawings. He was lucky in the respect that he only had to diagram the liver; another teammate was doing the intestines, another was doing the esophagus and stomach (the easy job, thought Mike), and yet another was doing the pancreas. Even though he was looking forward to Randy coming over and possibly having sex, the liver diagram was due tomorrow. And if he didn’t hand it in along with the rest of his lab notes on the feline digestive system, his professor would be pissed. And he’d be as dead as Mr. Scruffles. Frustrated as such an easygoing gentleman could possibly be, he went to work, drawing the hepatic ducts and ligaments in such detail that he thought that he was going to make his professor and both graduate lab assistants cry when they saw it. A squiggle here, a white patch here, and a little sac off of the bottom of the liver for the gallbladder… But he still had to get over the fact that he was drawing the liver of a cat. His favorite creature. He wondered how Mr. Scruffles had died: was he euthanized, but otherwise healthy, just because he was a stray that no one wanted? Did his owner donate his body to science? Did he get run over by a car? He had to scratch the last possibility, since there were no signs of injury on the cat. But, he figured, he had to overcome his aversion, because, pretty soon- at the very least in actual medical school- he’d be dissecting a human body. A fate that would hang over him more than all the dead, dissected cats on earth.
He sighed and got back to work on his diagram, labeling all of the parts he had drawn neatly in pen over the pencil drawing. He was finally finished. FINALLY.
The only important thing here is the very first line, other than that it’s just endless about a guy drawing a dead cat. A good author could make this interesting or meaningful, this guy just makes it wordy. Requesting: A decent writer to describe drawing a diagram of dead cat parts and make it worth reading Then he heard a knock at the door. “I’ll get it!” He opened the door to find a rather short man with brown eyes and black, scruffy hair. “Hey, Mike, it’s me. Randy. Are we going to get it on or what?” “Oh, hi. You’re kind of…direct.” “I thought that was a good thing!” He put his hand behind his head.
Is it really surprising that Randy hasn’t got laid with either gender when that’s his pickup line. ThatPazazu
THE TIGER IN SPACE
Putting my hand behind my head is not something I’d do when I’m standing at someone’s door and I’ve just asked to fuck them.
“Well, it is, but I don’t think it’s the best thing to say when you walk right in the door. I wanted to spend some time with you beforehand. I’ve been doing this awful anatomy lab for hours, in and out of the lab room, plus, before that, I was selling candy with Gracie. So I’m plumb tuckered out.” “So you’re saying I came all the way over here for nothing? I’m still a fucking virgin, man! I whack off like three times a day! Take some pity on me, will you?”
A man who can’t hold off wanking to finish his lecture would probably wank more than 3 times a day. Also “I’m still a fucking virgin” is yet another classy pickup line, right up there with the troper favourite “Please have sex with me, I’m desperate!” “A lot of otaku are virgins,” replied Mike. “I wouldn’t worry about it.” “But…but…you heard me fantasizing about you in the men’s room! You promised that I could come over! You were even hitting on me! You deserve to fuck me, man!” Randy was frustrated; his sentences were running into each other, he was so desperate. “Oh, I see how it is. You are pretty hot, I’ll admit. But I’m tired, so I’m just going to give you a kiss.”
“you are pretty hot”. All we know about Randy is that he’s short, has black hair, has brown eyes, and is always horny. I guess we have to assume that he’s either surprisingly sexy or that Mike just has low standards. So despite Randy rolling in, making no small talk and immediately asking to fuck, Mike still wants to kiss him. These relationships are the most broken things I have ever read. Mike held Randy’s hand and leaned in for the kill: he placed his lips on Randy’s, brushed them aide gently with his tongue, and moaned when Randy’s tongue started playing with his own. Mike had to admit, Randy was a pretty good kisser for a virgin. All of a sudden, Randy backed away from him, a startled expression on his face. “What, you didn’t like that?” Mike asked. “My problem is that I liked it too much.” Yup, one kiss and Randy jizzed his pants. He really has something wrong with him. “I see. This dorm has a bathroom in it, thank God, so you can come clean up your pants if you want.” Naturally all Mike cares about is the mess, not “why the fuck did I just kiss this hopelessly broken human”
“Thanks, dude.” Randy wandered into the bathroom to clean the semen off of the inside of his underwear. Shit, he berated himself, how am I going to lose my virginity if someone kissing me makes me come? Huh? Mike could hear him groan in embarrassment from the bathroom. “You okay in there, Randy?” “Yeah, I’m fine.” “You want to do something else besides make out? I want to give you, erm, time to recover.” “Oh hey, you just came in your pants, wanna hang out” “Do you have a video game system?” “Yeah, I have a Wii.” “Wiis suck balls!” “Have you ever used one?” “No.” “How do you know they suck, then?” “Internet reviews.” “You know, you really shouldn’t believe everything everybody tells you. Do you like any anime that online reviewers say sucks?” “A few, yeah.” “So you see how it is. Everyone has different tastes. Even if something is deemed to be objectively bad, there will still be some people who read or watch it because it’s so delightfully awful.” It was going so well, but we couldn’t go a whole chapter without mentioning games or anime. Also why has Randy just stolen Alistair’s only character trait? Randy opened the bathroom door, now as fresh as a daisy. “Yeah, you’re right. I played Do You Like Horny Bunnies? once. It was so awful that it was kind of good. Yeah, it was a boner-killer, but it was kind of quirky and cute.” “Never heard of it.” “You don’t like H-games?” “Not especially.”
“How about hentai or yaoi anime?” “Not really. Though I wish they’d make more bara anime. Bara manga is pretty good on the whole.” Randy scratched his head and walked further out into the dorm room. “I hate to sound like a dumbass, but what’s bara?” Mike calmly replied, “It’s basically gay manga. Yaoi by men for men. It tends to have hairier and more muscular guys than yaoi does. Plus it actually shows off the junk instead of there being a radiating come of light down there. You know, an actual dick.” “Sounds awesome. I’ve been looking for gay hentai for ages. I’ve always been frustrated that they’ll show off women’s boobs and pussies in straight stuff, but the cocks in most yaoi are fucking invisible!” “I guess women like it when guys have no dicks.” Randy being Randy, the conversation takes a turn into anime porn. Randy laughed. “Man, then Alistair should be getting all the poon on Earth!” “Who’s Alistair?” “Alistair, remember? He’s the vice president of Anime Club? Really short trans guy? Mousy, stick-straight hair? Big old glasses? Kind of hot if you think about him being a sadist? That Alistair?” “Oh, him. I always was under the impression he was gay though.” “How do you think that?” “Have you listened to the comments he’s made in club?” It suddenly fell on Randy’s head like a ton of bricks that Alistair preferred men. “Oh, yeah…I remember…” “So you like him, too, eh?” “I’ve jerked off a couple times thinking about him, yeah. He just looks like the kind of guy that would lock you up in a cage naked except for a gimp mask and a ball gag, and…”
Jesus Christ I think Randy actually has Asperger’s or something. Absolutely no social awareness at all, all he wants to talk about is wanking to things. Why do none of these people have real personalities?
“I’m not that into BDSM. Sorry. I do like Fist of the North Star though. Must be all the muscles.” Randy started laughing. “Stop it, man, or I’m going to piss myself.” “No, seriously, I’m more into shounen than anything else. I just like the fights, and most of the bigger guys there are hot. Plus some of the better titles have kickass women, and plots that make you think about what evil is and why we’re here and all that junk.” “So wait a minute. Even though you’re gay…you like strong, kickass women too?” “Yes, in a platonic sense; I actually consider myself a feminist, thanks to my moms. Vaginas don’t gross me out at all. To be perfectly honest with you, from an objective standpoint, all organs in the human body are pretty gross, albeit interesting in their grossness. I’m actually studying to become a doctor- that is, I’m a pre-med major right now. How about you?” “That’s pretty heavy stuff,” opined Randy. “I was a C-student in high school. I was surprised that I even passed my classes and got in here. As for my major, I’m undecided.” “What classes are you taking?” Mike asked. “Ummm…Freshman Composition, German 101, Astronomy, because I need to get my science requirement out of the way and it has very few labs…” “Which of those do you like best?” “German. Definitely German. I’m surprised I’m doing as well with it as I am. I couldn’t even learn Spanish from my own family, for Christ’s sakes!” “Is there a German major?” “I don’t know. I just joined German because there was this hot German chick I was trying to impress- you know, Nina, the red-haired, flat-chested girl from anime club? Kind of impulsive. But I’m doing pretty good!” He smiled wide. “While I’m kind of weirded out by the fact that you chose a foreign language to impress someone you had a crush on,” continued Mike, “I’m glad you found your niche.”
So despite Randy telling the guy he likes that he joined a class to impress a girl he likes, this is the most realistic conversation I’ve seen so far in this story. “Awesome, man. Oh, and I need to tell you something.” “What?” “You’re a good kisser.” Mike smiled. “Thanks.” “You want me to come over again sometime?”
“Yeah, why not. Give me your phone number and e-mail address.” Randy hastily scrawled both on a piece of paper Mike had laying around his desk (not the liver diagram) and gave it to him.
Thanks, thanks for using 4 words to clarify that. Why does this guy need to clarify that the characters aren’t using important things? This isn’t the first time either. “Keep in touch! Tell me when you want to fuck!” “…I guess so.” Mike looked confused as Randy shut the door behind him. Mike sighed, sat on his bed, and went to sleep.
Other things the author can’t do: end a chapter well. All the chapters just end coldly and abruptly. No cliff hangers or questions being raised, just “and then they went home” or “and then he went to sleep”. Lady of the Beech One thing that’s been driving me crazy about that story for the past couple of weeks is how dialogue-heavy it is, and it’s not even good dialogue. It’s mostly just boring filler shit nobody cares about, if not all.
50,000 words. Gotta jam as much filler in as possible. Lady of the Beech Oh yeah, right. But seriously, if you think your story idea won’t fill at least 50,000 words, why did you choose it?
Funny story about an Anime club who is also gay, or indeed any story idea, can be written well by someone who is competent at writing. This person isn’t. For him this story, rushed out during nanowrimo, is just him wanting to “have written” so that when he posts ideas in future he can say “I’m a writer”. It’s an exercise in literary masturbation written for him and published online because there’s always someone who’ll read it, regardless of quality. He’s only published one story on that site though, which is evidence too. He’s basically the next level of the idea guy, the one who wants to justify all his shitty ideas with “I’m a writer, and I think...” but never do any work again.
Namtab posted: Requesting: A decent writer to describe drawing a diagram of dead cat parts and make it worth reading This could use a couple more passes, and feels pretty freshman compish compared to the other great pieces of writing produced in this thread, but I wanted to thank you for a good writing prompt: ------------------------------------------------------------------------------The cat had been dead for six weeks. The head and most of the torso were caved in where it had been hit by a car. Broken bones erupted from decaying flesh. I have been coming to the lab twice every week to make a new sketch of the animal. My book has eight finished drawings, each one slightly more grotesque than the last. The first shows the poor guy fresh from the freezer, looking like he could have died moments before. I stayed after class to speak to my biology professor when he first announced this lab. My mother died only a few months ago. I took some time off from school to fly home for the funeral, and it took me a couple weeks before I felt ready to come back and catch up on my work. Maybe that’s why Dr. Aaron just shook his head when I asked if there was any way not to do this assignment. Just the thought of watching a dead animal slowly melt away, having to carefully document the process, filled my stomach with dread. “Understanding death is integral to biology, Alex. Dying is another part of life,” Dr. Aaron had said. He gave me a sad smile. At least he made an effort to look sympathetic. He resumed packing his things, stopping to look at his records for my class. “I wish I could help, believe me. But I’m already giving you as much extra credit as I can to make up for the tests you missed.” I said I understood and left the room, my hands gripped tightly around the straps of my book bag. I had to rush to the bathroom to avoid breaking down in the middle of the hall. All I needed to make this semester was to be the crying guy. Sitting on the toilet and trying not to sob loudly, it was hard not to hate Dr. Aaron. I hated my class, the whole college. For a moment, I hated my mother for putting me through this. That just made it all worse. Now I sit alone in the biology lab. Everyone else rushed through their drawings, eager to get out of the lab and away from the smell of formaldehyde and rot. The only sound is the tip of my pencil scratching at the paper as I define the curve of the sinew holding the femur to the pelvis. I don’t know when I decided to throw myself into this lab. All I could think of at first, staring at my assigned corpse, was how my mother died alone. She had been dead three days before the landlord found her. There had been complaints from the neighbors about the smell. He had found her sitting on the couch in her tiny apartment. Dishes were piled up in the
sink. Most of the floor space was taken up by boxes and stacks of old newspapers. The TV was still on, filling the room with the soft hiss of static. Focusing on this cat forced me to think about things I had successfully avoided. When my older brother first called to tell me what had happened, I pushed down the thought that it was my fault. I wouldn’t obsess over how I should have been there. We knew she had problems and needed help getting her life back together. She resented it, though. Every time we reached out, she would lash back. Coming here twice every week and sketching this cat had helped me. Observing how its body broke down lead to me thinking about the same thing happening to my mother. I am confronted with the reality of her death instead of bottling up the guilt and resentment. I know now that it is my job to document this creature’s death. I can give dignity and meaning to the process of decay. Dying is just another part of life.
Interlude: Other Works of SirPsychoSexy
Namtab He’s only published one story on that site though, which is evidence too.
TROPIN’ AIN’T EASY
This is incorrect. There is an offshoot of fanfiction.net called adultfanfiction.net. It is exactly what you think it is. SirPsychoSexy has an account there, and he writes Hetalia adult fiction (among others). In my defence, I don’t make a habit of searching adultfanfiction.net In my defence I do not even know adultfanfiction.net existed until 2012. Please believe me. “What is Hetalia?” you ask, the innocence shining brightly in your eyes. It is some weird Anime which has produced this:
This picture was taken a few blocks from the Holocaust Museum of Boston on Passover.
SirPsychoSexy describes his adult Hetalia fiction as such:
There are 5 pages of this thing. You do not want to read it. Some poor bastard in the thread however did, and posted this excerpt:
And shit like this is why I quit anime. Thank you, TV Tropes
“Thank God We Have Anime Then,” Said Mike. “A Place We Belong.”
About a month had passed; people were now studying for their midterms, discussing Halloween costumes, and trying to get over the half-semester hump anyway they couldexercise, energy drinks, watching television shows they liked. Renee had organized the final tally for the anime club’s candy sale; it had been more successful than she had possibly imagined it would be, having to send for one hundred extra boxes of chocolate bars. In total, the club had made two thousand five hundred and eight dollars, which was more than enough to pay for the GenkiCon admission fees of the thirtyseven club members who had sold candy, as well as to charter a bus for the club.
Alright, they raised $2,508 by selling chocolate bars with a profit of $1.25 per bar, meaning that, if we assume that they were selling the bars all month, they sold a total of 2007 bars at a rate of 66 per day. Are people in Animetown really that desperate for anime chocolate? Basically this is the shittiest plot device. She had sent out an e-mail to the club’s mailing list, detailing how much candy they had sold, and also that they had earned enough money for a charter bus to the convention: Dear awesome members of Anime Club: I am glad to announce that we have sold over $2,500 in chocolate! This is enough to pay for the admission fees for the members who sold candy, plus we have enough money to charter a bus from a private company! GenkiCon is the first Saturday in November, and I am more than happy to announce that the guest list so far includes Keiko Yamaoka, the mangaka of Gravy Fighter Haruhi; Nagisa Iwai, voice actress of Haruhi Nakada and J-pop singer; and acclaimed dub actor Francis N. Dick, best known as the lead role of Masaaki Morioka, in the hit yaoi anime, Stop It, My Butt Hurts!. Also, I have heard through the grapevine that our very own Melissa Kowalski will serve as translator for Ms. Yamaoka and possibly Ms. Iwai! Congratulations, Melissa! Also, this coming meeting, we will be watching Love Hina, the tale of a childhood college promise and the confusion- and lust- it causes! So we’ll see you there- at Lecture Hall 11! Renee She got several replies from individual members of the mailing list, which made her happymostly from people who were excited that they would actually be able to afford a nice, cushy charter bus.
Why is everything about sex? Why does Renee of all people need to add the “and lust” qualifier? I’m not gonna say anything about “Stop it, my butt hurts” I wish tropers’d stop writing, my brain hurts.
Randy was indeed stoked for the convention; after the, ahem, accident with Mike, they had decided to just stay friends for the time being, trying to get to know each other better. Randy had come over to Mike’s dorm almost every night to play Wii (he now regretted saying that it sucked balls), choosing to play Super Smash Brothers Brawl and Rayman: Raving Rabbids (his favorite) over and over again, helped from seeming too repetitive by interspersing rounds of Wii Sports (usually bowling or boxing). They had even discussed doing a themed cosplay together. They originally wanted to do something from Gravy Fighter Haruhi, but there weren’t very many male characters, and what male characters there were would be much better suited for a female or trans-male cosplayer. And like hell was either of them going to crossplay. So they figured out, based on Randy’s relatively light-skinned brunet, mischievous appearance and short height and Mike’s height of six foot four and his large, muscular frame, that they were going to cosplay as Yusuke Urameshi and the younger Toguro brother respectively. They both liked Yu Yu Hakusho- especially Mike, who placed it second to only Fist of the North Star on his all-time anime hit list.
haha “brunet”. So basically all these words mean that they’re gonna cosplay and they hate the thought of dressing like girls. And also that Randy likes the Wii now. But there was a problem: neither of them knew how to cosplay, or even how to do a sewing task so simple as to darn a sock. Well, Mike did, but he was hesitant to admit that he could patch up his own holes in his clothes. Oh no! A completely inconsequential problem, I wonder if it’ll be solved this chapter or next chapter So one night, after they had played a round of Wii Bowling and they were completely tuckered out, they decided to order in a pizza from Papa Gino’s and discuss their cosplay plans. “Dude, I was wondering,” said Randy, “how are you going to get a coat that freaking big anyway?” “Dunno. I was thinking of having one of my moms make it for me.” “Moms? Dude, you never told me you had two moms!” “Yeah, I did. I think I mentioned it in passing a few days ago.” “Oh, sorry, wasn’t paying attention.”
“It figures,” Mike sighed. “So, anyway, how are you going to get your coat? I mean, any idiot can buy sunglasses, and you’re going to have to dye your hair…” “I’m kind of ambivalent about that.”
And now Mike doesn’t want to dye his hair!? “Why, man? Your hair is freaking platinum blond.” Randy sulked. “If you’re going to cosplay, do it right! Like hell am I going to let me or my cosplay partner do to Yu Yu Hakusho cosplay what hordes upon hordes of lazy bastards who think that tying a Leaf Village bandanna around your head is cosplay have done to the Naruto fandom!” “Yeah, I guess you’re right,” said Mike. “I’m just a little concerned that it’s going to stay behind in my hair longer than it should. Plus dying your hair is kind of…girly.” “You? Mike Bronson? Girly? HA! Sometimes I think you put the Rock- no, make that Chuck Norris- to shame in the manly-man department.” Randy chuckled a little, as if in appreciation of what he had just said. “I’m not surprised that guys aren’t throwing themselves on you- even the straight-but-curious ones!” “Aww, Randy, you flatter me.” “I’m serious, dude. Who wouldn’t want that?” He grinned, being careful to control any feelings that might have given him an erection right there and then.
Randy has self-control this chapter for some reason. “A lot of guys, really. In the circles I’ve ran in, if you’re not flaming, you’re out. Plus I mention that my moms are lesbian, and you should see the looks of absolute disgust on their faces…” “Then listen, man,” Randy said, his face dead-serious, “you’ve been running in the wrong circles. I’ve had the same problems as you have. The minute a lot of gay guys find out I’m bisexual, all the chemistry that has been building up over the course of the night goes – whoosh!- right out the fucking window. I’ve been called a traitor, I’ve been called a homophobe, a breeder…you name it, man, I’ve been called it.” “Thank God we have anime then,” said Mike. “A place we belong.” Should I be using here? This is really pathetic.
“A place where people don’t give a fuck about who you are, what you do, and who you sleep with, as long as you ship the same things as they do.” Mike laughed at Randy’s snide comment. “That was actually pretty funny- because it’s true.
But hey, like you, I feel more welcome in anime fandom than among the mainstream gay community.”
Anime: It’s still divisive, but not against me so it’s OK Randy wanted to get back on topic. “So…anyhoo…you think you can get one of your moms to make the Toguro jacket?” “Yeah, I hope so.” “What if they don’t have time?” “I guess I have enough sewing skills to modify an olive trench coat or something. I was forced to take Home Economics back in junior high. It kind of made me feel self-conscious, but hey, I passed, and I can fix my own clothes. Can’t do anything fancy like embroidery though.” “So…you have a plan of action. How about me?” “…Don’t they sell Yusuke costumes on-line?” “Yeah, but I wanted that outfit he wore during the Dark Tournament. You know, the pale yellow shirt, those funky pants, the green wrist cuffs…” “Oh, cool, you want your cosplay to match mine more exactly.” Mike was more than impressed with Randy’s idea. “The thing is, though, I’ve only found his school uniform for sale. And that’s ninety bucks.” Randy sulked. fuck this is boring, even the Nina/Liesse cosplay conversation had boob jokes. “You know what? If you give me a sleeveless yellow T-shirt and a pair of navy sweatpants plus some navy fabric, I could do something,” Mike said. “And all you’d need to do for the wrist cuffs would be…hmmm…buying some white ones from an athletics store and then dying them green with Rit or something in the washer downstairs.” “Which washer?” “Your dorm should have some coin-operated ones on the first floor. My dorm does.” “I haven’t seen them.” “Why don’t you ask your RA where they are then?” “Good idea. And if she can’t find them, I’ll come over here, since I know where the wash room is over here.” anime cosplay
“Cool, man. You want to take home some of the leftover pizza?” Mike lifted up the box. “No, I’m good. Besides, I don’t have a microwave.” “Then you can eat them cold.” Randy made a face. “Over my dead body.” Mike laughed. “A Yusuke cosplayer shouldn’t be saying that.” Randy, after some deliberation, finally got this joke, and ended up laughing so hard that he fell onto the floor in a convulsive fit. “Oh God…you’re…hahaha…so…hahaha…right… teehehehe…” “It wasn’t that funny, Randy.” “Speak…pppppftt….for yourself! AHAHAAHAHAHAHA!” “You have a weird sense of humor.” Mike sighed. Randy stopped laughing and got up off of the ground. “You kind of started it.” Mike smiled. “Yeah, that’s true.” “I should get going now,” said Randy. “German unit test. Gotta study.” “Well, see you, and I hope we can discuss this more later.” Randy waved as he went out the door.
And an unfunny anime joke to end the chapter. Reading this felt like a waste of my life
This fucking story. Why are there so many gay and transgendered people in that club? Anime clubs are basically all tropers, gay people and especially transgendered people - would definitely not feel comfortable there. And one thing that really bugged me: the fundraiser thing. Who the hell can’t spare $10 for a convention (not to mention that amount is ludicrously low). Just... every aspect of this story shows just how sheltered this guy is. And was that chapter supposed to show the growing relationship between Mike and Randy? I think that’s what he was going for. That is not what gay relationships are like. That’s not what any relationship is like.
My people I bring you a message from the Lord!
Because gay and trans people are OMG so sexy and daring! As long as they stay in fiction and don’t go around actually existing and, you know,putting stuff up butts, eeuuww that’s gross. As for Randy and Mike, a) how the fuck has Randy not managed to notice that Mike has 2 moms? He never fucking shuts up about it, b) Mike is gay, but he is damned, DAMNED I tell you, if he shames himself by letting people know he can sew. That’s just too girlie, oh the ignominy.
It’s stupid. It sucks. I hate it.
My people I bring you a message from the Lord!
The author is trying so, so hard to make Mike as super macho and straight gay as possible as though to say “not all gay guys are super femmy!” But I don’t really think that’s a common misconception anymore? Also he shoots that in the foot by making all the other gay guys ridiculous parodies of reality that even the Far Right wouldn’t suggest. I get that okay maybe some gay guys are effeminate, or that nursing is pretty popular in the community, but I have never, ever, ever heard anyone say or even imply “that’s not what gays do, the gays aren’t into science. You can’t be gay.” They are such a horrendous parody. Ah, but we’ve already been over this haven’t we? He is the most homophobic homosexual.
Lady of the Beech
More evidence that people (or at least Tropers) have not progressed since the Viking age.
Further evidence can be found in the “Straight Male Troper” thread, in which all the straight male tropers gather and talk about their problems.
Making His Rear End Swell with Love
For someone who hates Gracie’s homophobia Mike sure can be sexist sometimes. And speaking of Gracie Gracie was done with her midterm programming test; she was glad that she no longer had to study, or to carry things out in C++ for a long time to come. Computers always went over her head; it was just that she was majoring in computer science so that she could get a decent job with her bachelor’s degree, get recruited to an important company, make more than fifty grand a year… …And spend what money was left after room, board, and other costs of living on lots and lots of yaoi. So she’s shit at computers yet thinks that she has enough computer skills to get a $50k a year job. All for the sake of Yaoi. At this point I’m convinced that Gracie has Asperger’s and Yaoi is her fixation, I invite anyone to prove me wrong. She had been thinking to herself these past few weeks whether or not her hobby had gotten out of hand. She had mistaken a transsexual woman for a bishounen, and was currently dating a man she thought was gay from his mannerisms and excessive use of make-up, but who had the biggest collection of straight hentai, perverted rape-fantasy doujinshi, and plastic anime character figurines that were designed so that the hypothetical male viewer had little choice but to ask how the hell he could strip off the skimpy, skin-tight plastic clothing off of the mannequin and see her breasts and genitals. Oh god, is this character development... But on the other hand, yaoi was so much fun. Never before had she felt so liberated as a person, as a woman, from the constraints of a society in which she was thought of as a second-class citizen. Never before had she been able to contribute to women being even more of second-class citizens by fantasizing about herself as a submissive, cute boy that every guy in the neighborhood wanted to fuck. Or, for that matter, never before did she contribute to the perception of women as weak and worthless by others by bashing every single female anime character that supposedly could “stand in the way” of her two favorite guys getting their freak on.
What? WHAT? Gracie is bringing down feminism from the inside I guess. I’m bolding this, I want everyone’s eyes to be focused on this paragraph. I want this burned into your mind. This is troperfiction.txt right here.
This made her feel good; it made her feel as if she were the queen bee, and everyone finally paid attention to her for once. She could have all of the good-looking men in the world surrounding her, even though she was pretending to be a boy, and thereby show everyone who ever had rejected her because she was “too ugly” or “too clingy” or “too selfish” that she, too, could find someone, that she, too could be royalty- even if it was in her own mind. Lance was, to her, even though he was a bishounen, somehow less than all of the twodimensional characters she had ever loved. He was a pervert; she had caught him on numerous occasions having cyber sex with other women, to which she responded by beating him up; and he never did a damn thing she told him to do, which necessitated her slapping him around on numerous occasions. She thought that, since they shared the same major, it would work out, and she’d end up marrying him and having kids with him and a perfect Victorian house in the country with a picket fence around it.
So he cheats on her and she physically assaults him. But she still wants the good life together with him. This is the most broken relationship I’ve read, ever. But now she knew that nothing could compare to the fantasy that was in yaoi. Gracie was more than excited that Francis N. Dick, the North American voice actor for Masaaki Morioka, her favorite uke of all time from the popular yaoi anime Stop It, My Butt Hurts!, would be coming to the convention she had worked so hard to sell candy bars to get to. Masaaki, or “Masa-uke” as he was known in fandom was short, weak, spineless, and had four different guys from the same school fighting over him, because he was said to grant whatever wish was in the heart of the guy who had sex with him. These four gentlemen were Tetsuya Handa, the Student Council President who was a super-cool guy who rode a motorcycle around campus and helped out random animals in need; Dustin Longchamp, an American exchange student (you could tell he was American by his blond hair and blue eyes) who was well-known as the school sadist who really got around and who wore glasses; Haruka “Princess” Shirosaki, a tall but feminine-looking boy who had long purple hair and whose hobbies included baking, needlepoint, and gardening, and who always carried roses around with him; and Mitsunari Fujiwara, a short boy (but not as short as Masaaki, of course) who had a perpetual scowl on his face and was said to have an incredibly dark and painful past. They were all chasing him because they had no other option to get their wishes fulfilled; if they were in a co-ed school, they could have found a woman with a similar gift, but no women were allowed on the mystical island upon which their school, Ruana Academy, was built. Gracie herself ate this show for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and could not help but ship Masaaki with Dustin. That one incredible scene where he drugged Masaaki, took him to his dorm room, and raped him twelve times in one night was proof enough for her that their love was meant to be. Masaaki said he didn’t remember it, but after that, they had sex consensually for the first time, Masaaki’s body being beaten and bruised, and Dustin gleefully licking up all the blood from his bite marks on his partner’s body. Of course, the “wish-fulfillment” plot turned out to be just a rumor in the end, but all four boys had fallen for Masaaki by that point, and the anime- rather the manga, since they
couldn’t get this past the radar- ended with the five of them having a huge gang bang, making Masaaki’s rear end swell with their feelings of love.
Why did this of all things need three paragraphs. I’d rather be reading Gracie backstory or some shit, not your shitty anime parody shit. She had admired Mr. Dick’s work in the dub for quite some time; he managed to get Masaaki’s tender emotions down pat, especially all the crying, whining, and moaning he had to do. He was almost as good as the Japanese voice actress- almost. She was going to surprise Mr. Dick by dressing as Masaaki Morioka for GenkiCon. All she had to do was buy the short blue wig and the Ruana Academy school uniform in her size online. She was still wearing her contacts in place of her thick glasses, so that would not be a problem, since Masaaki did not wear glasses. She opened her web browser right then and there, went to , ordered the $60 uniform and the $25 wig, and was told they would arrive within a week. She sure hoped they would.
Yeah man it’s totally surprising to a voice actor when nerds turn up dressed as their most popular characters. Nina and Liese were lounging around their apartment; Liese had control of the CD player right now, as was playing Nagisa Iwai’s hit song “Grow Up~ Otona ni Naritai!”, much to Nina’s dismay, who would rather be listening to one of her favorite Neue Deutsche Härte band’s CD’s- Rammstein, Eisbrecher, Megaherz, Oomph!- real music in her opinion. Not this watered-down J-pop crap Liese liked. Of course, she would never tell Liese she hated her music; however, she could plainly observe Liese putting her hands over her ears every time Nina put Megaherz’ “5. März” on repeat. So she had to give her this much. “So…” Nina started in German. “Yeah?” “What are we going to cosplay as for our first convention in America?”
So yeah, the author’s pulling German music stereotypes out of the wazoo for Nina at this point.
“I was thinking…” “Yes?” “I’ve been watching Axis Powers Hetalia as of late, and I’d really…” “WHAT?” Nina turned off the music. “You’re watching Hetalia? Seriously? A show that glorifies the Nazis? What is wrong with you?” “Have you seen it? It’s cute!” “But everything I’ve heard about it is negative. I mean, people in Korea threw a shit fit over it being so blatantly offensive!” “My favorite character is Germany.” “Is Germany a girl?” “No, he’s a boy. But he’s cool anyway. Sometimes he got stereotypical German behavior on the nose so hard, I peed my pants laughing! And I can’t believe his human name is Ludwig…” Nina scowled. “You were beaten up by a guy named Ludwig when we went to Gymnasium. And now, here you are, being a hypocrite…” Liese smiled. “It’s nice to see you still want to protect me. Even after I told you how I feel and you rejected me.” Nina’s anger calmed; she was so affected by Liese’s words that she stood motionless and speechless for some time. “Nina…” “Oh, right. Sorry about that.” She laughed nervously. “And they don’t discuss the Nazis much. It’s mostly played for humor. Watch.” She played Nina the first few episodes of Hetalia. Nina was surprised and pleased. “Okay, I understand why you like this show so much. It makes fun of history.”
For a brief shining moment a character had a reasonable opinion. But once again SirPhychoSexy shows us the folly of Complaining About Shows We Don’t Watch. “Yeah, and you have to admit that you were reacting like a stereotypical German would,” Liese joked. “There is this one totally awesome yuri ship I have. I was wondering if we could cosplay as them.” “I’ve only seen guys so far. Besides Hungary. And everyone knows she’s going to end up with Austria.”
“Belarus and Ukraine as personified as women,” explained Liese. “Belarus is a knife nut who goes after Russia and begs him creepily to marry her. Ukraine is a ditzy girl with big boobs who’s also a maternal figure to the rest of the former Soviet Union. Even though the only person Belarus seemed interested in is Russia, I ship her with Ukraine, because it would be so adorable!”
Yup, nothing objectionable here Nina stared at her blankly., “Let me guess…you want me to be Belarus?” “Yep! And I’m Ukraine because I have the big boobs.” “Don’t remind me,” Nina said under her breath. “What?” “Nothing.” Nina paused for a minute and asked, “Do you have any pictures for us to go on?” “You mean normal pictures, or perverted fanart and doujinshi scans? I have both!” “Erm…normal pictures.” Nina was blushing. “Okay…” Liese went to her “My Documents” folder on her laptop, and found a picture of Belarus. “See? Long blonde hair- you can get a wig for that- a bow in it, and a Gothic Loli dress.” “I think I can make that in the time we have.” “Good! And this is Ukraine. I just have to get a shorter wig; I have the rest in my closet, more or less.” “So if I run out of time on my Belarus costume, you’ll help me out?” Liese smiled sweetly. “Sure!” They then went to the fabric store to get their supplies.
And then more filler shit
“She’s not really a lady. She has a wiener.” TV Tropes, producing the world’s finest writers.
I try not to skim it when Namtab posts it, in case I miss anything worth brining up, but eventually your mind numbs and you can’t help but skip 15 paragraphs of absolutely nothing. It’s sort of like some kind of textual diarrhoea.
He is the most sheltered man alive. All the characters are terrible and inhuman and have terrible and inhuman relationships. I’m pretty sure Gracie is the worst, though. Yaoi is terrible (like I need to say that). Every plot is like this. It’s essentially porn and all the plots are just contrivances to get the guys to screw. Okay fine, all porn is like that, so that’s not too offensive. But basically all sex is rape and all the guys are “what!? I’m having sex with a man?? This is so nasty and wrong what would the neighbours think?” Also the victim always (always) falls in love with his rapist. I don’t know how or why it has a following. Even more offensive is when these people try to pass themselves off as supporters of gay rights.
My people I bring you a message from the Lord!
I Have Standards with My Yaoi and Yuri
Well I agree that finding troper comments on rape, racism and sexism is too easy sometimes. Sometimes you just want to relax with some high quality fiction. However instead it’s just MCAC 25. Lady of the Beech The ironic part is that all of those are in MCAC. It’s an all-consuming vortex of bullshit.
It was finally the morning of the convention. The students who were going were held with baited breath for their charter bus to arrive. In the meantime, they talked about how they had fixed up their cosplay, how hard it was to find some of the requisite items in aforementioned cosplay, and also how hard it was to plan for the convention while still doing school work. Renee stood around giving out donuts and coffee, because it was six-thirty in the morning. She had stopped at a local Dunkin’ Donuts earlier (she was surprised that they were open that early in the morning), in order to give the con-goers a little pick-me up. The thirtyseven people who were going hastily grabbed for their favorite flavor of donut; some complained that there were no Munchkins among all of the donuts that Renee had gotten for them. “A donut is a donut,” she said, puzzled. “Yeah, but you can eat more Munchkins at a sitting!” complained a man in the back who was cosplaying as Cloud from Final Fantasy.
I like how so far we’ve had more details on the doughnuts than the cosplay. “Why don’t you just cut them down to size with your sword, there, Cloud-y boy?” snapped Alistair. “Shut your damn mouth- erm, who are you supposed to be again?” “Char Aznable, idiot! How DARE you disrespect the most awesome mecha pilot that has ever lived, huh?” Renee looked sort of embarrassed by what Alistair had said. “But he was never really alive and…” “SHUT YOUR FACE! Six-thirty in the morning is NOT a good time to be arguing with me! Especially since I stayed up until one AM last night fixing this damn costume!” “Okay, okay, fine! Just take a donut, Alistair!” Alistair quickly grabbed a bear claw and shoved the whole thing into his mouth.
Renee smiled as she thought that he’d finally shut his mouth for this one instant, since it was stuffed full of donut.
Why are they friends again? This just implies that Renee doesn’t like him much. She surveyed the cosplayers: she herself was dressed as her customary Orihime Inoue from Bleach, partially because she had the breasts and the hair for it, and partially because she saw a lot of herself in Orihime. She was known to give stern lectures to people who bashed her favorite character, calling her “Whorihime” and what not. Maybe, she thought, the bashers didn’t take into account that other people liked the characters because of some association the fans of the character had with themselves. She just thought bashing and fandom arguing was un-Christian to begin with; “judge not lest ye be judged” and all that.
Don’t forget that she’s a nice Christian who makes a point of being the nice Christian. Also I like how she thinks fandom arguing is unchristian and yet will defend Orihime to the death. Nice double standards there. She turned to Mike, who was cosplaying as Younger Toguro (and a damn good cosplay it was, she thought to herself), standing next to Randy, who was going as Yusuke from the Dark Tournament. She wondered, even for an instant, if he was cold wearing shorter pants, a sleeveless top, and slippers; but he didn’t seem to care. Next, she saw Gracie, who was from some anime Renee was not familiar with. “Hey, Gracie! What are you supposed to be?” “I’m Masaaki Morioka from Stop It, My Butt Hurts!” “Oh, yeah,” said Renee as the light bulb went off in her head. “I should have known by the uniform and the blue hair.” “Have you seen it? It’s awesome!” “I had no interest past the first episode.” “I knew it! You’re a HOMOPHOBE!” Gracie pointed her finger accusingly at Renee, as if she were a Phoenix Wright cosplayer about to yell, “OBJECTION!”
REFERENCES! Also: “I should have known by the uniform and the blue hair”, lots of Animes wear uniform and have blue hair.
“I hate to tell you this, but you’ve misjudged me.” Renee looked embarrassed. “Just because I have standards with my yaoi and yuri does not mean I’m a homophobe. If I hated gay people, I would not be President of this club. Heck, my parents are the homophobes, and they want me to quit anime- not just club, but all anime. They think it’s Satanic, whereas I think it can help people.” She smiled. Gracie was rendered speechless by Renee’s argument.
Man, what a persuasive argument. Those 5 sentences would convince anyone. Also didn’t she say in an earlier chapter that she honoured her mum and dad, and yet here she is using them as scapegoats in her Anime argument. Right then and there, the sound of a large bus startled the thirty-seven attendees; it parked, and people were excited to hear the sound of the bus’ pneumatic doors opening. “Okay, here are the rules, before we get on,” said Renee. “We are to meet in the central parking lot, right in front of the main entry to the convention. I have all of your badges, and I will hand them out accordingly. You are to get back on the bus at precisely 9 PM, and we will be home by 12 AM. If you live off campus, you have to call a taxi from the university.” “Shit,” spat Nina from the back. “It’s okay,” whispered Liese to her, this time in English. Alistair was busy speaking to the bus driver; he then came down and whispered something to Renee. “The bus driver says he is ready to go. Now let’s all get in a single file and get on the bus. Please do not crowd, and people who have weapons or other cosplay accessories, please put them in the compartment above your seat, so that neither you nor the cosplay accessory gets damaged.” Alistair, already being partially on the bus, was the first to board, followed by Renee. When everyone had gotten on the bus, the driver started it up, and everyone took their seats.
This bit is all just filler. It was an hour in, and everyone was bored. Some of the people on the back had fallen asleep; others were arguing over such topics as “Which girl should Tenchi have gotten?” or “What is the lamest anime you’ve ever seen?” The rest of the bus seemed absolutely dead.
One of the worst things about this story are the transitions, this is one of the few times time passes that it’s actually mentioned. The shitty formatting doesn’t help either.
Also there’s no way anyone who doesn’t have Asperger’s talks about Anime for a solid hour.
Just then, Renee got an idea; she asked the bus driver if it was okay if they sang “Froggy Went a-Courtin’”. The bus driver said “yes”, as long as they did not start into a chorus of “Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall”- he had been too traumatized by that one from the days when he had driven elementary-school buses. “Attention, everyone!” she yelled. “We are going to have a sing-along, in order to get past the numbing amount of highway we have to traverse this morning. If you want to join in with me in singing ‘Froggy Went a-Courtin’’, please do so.” “Do you want to make my migraine worse?” spat Alistair. Of course, he really didn’t have a migraine; he just thought there were better things to do than sing stupid songs that the last time you enjoyed hearing them, you were in first grade. “You know what? We could just play ‘Hare Hare Yuukai’ , ‘Dragostea din Tei’, and ‘Motteke! Sailor Fuku’ over and over again on the CD player,” responded Renee. “And ‘Dragostea din Tei’ is what again?” “You know. The Numa Numa song.” “Oh, God, that,” Alistair spat. “Just start singing already; those songs are horrible. I’d rather be rolling an immovable boulder in the very depths of Tartarus than listen to that crap.”
WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS? Also their choice is between kids songs and anime songs? Why not just turn on some regular music? Renee cleared her throat, and began to sing:
FROG WENT A COURTIN' Frog went a courtin' and he did ride, uh-huh Frog went a courtin' and he did ride, uh-huh Frog went a courtin' and he did ride With a sword and a pistol by his side, uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh He rode right up to Miss Mousie's door, uh-huh He rode right up to Miss Mousie's door, uh-huh He rode right up to Miss Mousie's door Gave three loud raps, and a very big roar, uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh Said Miss Mouse, are you within, uh-huh Said Miss Mouse, are you within, uh-huh Said Miss Mouse, are you within Miss Mousie said, I sit and spin, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh Took Miss Mousie on his knee, uh-huh Took Miss Mousie on his knee, uh-huh Took Miss Mousie on his knee, Said Miss Mousie, will you marry me, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh Without my Uncle Rat's consent, uh-huh Without my Uncle Rat's consent, uh-huh Without my Uncle Rat's consent, I wouldn't marry the President, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh Uncle Rat laughed, and he shook his fat sides, uh-huh Uncle Rat laughed, and he shook his fat sides, uh-huh Uncle Rat laughed, and he shook his fat sides To think his niece would be a bride, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh Uncle Rat went running downtown, uh-huh Uncle Rat went running downtown, uh-huh Uncle Rat went running downtown To buy his niece a wedding gown, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh Where shall the wedding supper be, uh-huh Where shall the wedding supper be, uh-huh Where shall the wedding supper be Way down yonder in the hollow tree, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh What shall the wedding supper be, uh-huh What shall the wedding supper be, uh-huh What shall the wedding supper be Fried mosquito and a black-eyed pea, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh First to come in was a flyin' moth, uh-huh First to come in was a flyin' moth, uh-huh
First to come in was a flyin' moth She layed out the table cloth, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh Next to come in was a juney bug, uh-huh Next to come in was a juney bug, uh-huh Next to come in was a juney bug She brought in the water jug, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh Next to come in was a bumbly bee, uh-huh Next to come in was a bumbly bee, uh-huh Next to come in was a bumbly bee Sat mosquito on his knee, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh Next to come in was a broken back flea, uh-huh Next to come in was a broken back flea, uh-huh Next to come in was a broken back flea Danced a jig with the bumbly bee, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh Next to come in was Mrs. Cow, uh-huh Next to come in was Mrs. Cow, uh-huh Next to come in was Mrs. Cow She tried to dance but she didn't know how, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh Next to come in was a little black tick, uh-huh Next to come in was a little black tick, uh-huh Next to come in was a little black tick She ate so much it made her sick, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh Next to come in was the big black snake, uh-huh Next to come in was the big black snake, uh-huh Next to come in was the big black snake Ate up all of the wedding cake, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh Next to come in was the old gray cat, uh-huh Next to come in was th e old gray cat, uh-huh Next to come in was the old gray cat Swallowed the mouse and ate up the rat, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh Mr.Frog went a-hoppin up over the brooke, uh-huh Mr.Frog went a-hoppin up over the brooke, uh-huh Mr.Frog went a-hoppin up over the brooke A lily white dove came and swallowed him up, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh Little piece of corn bread layin' on the shelf, uh-huh Little piece of corn bread layin' on the shelf, uh-huh Little piece of corn bread layin' on the shelf If you want anymore you can sing it yourself, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
“Good job, everyone!” sparkled Renee. SirPsychoSexy probably had a hard time copying and pasting that, but it was worth it to use up 620 words. Beats actually having to think up real content, right? These lyrics are literally half the chapter. That song had taken up about ten minutes of the travelers’ time; it was kind of corny, but it was the only thing they had to spend those ten minutes on. The bus driver announced: “We’re going to be pulling in at a rest stop. If you need to go to the bathroom, or get some food, please do so now. We will be going back on the road in fifteen minutes.” The bus parked at a local truck stop; and every single one of the passengers got out. Not much later, they had arrived at the convention: a large white banner that said “GENKICON” was tied to two poles outside of an events center in a town two and a half hours upstate. They were at their destination- and, it could be said, their destiny. AND THEN THEY WERE THERE AND IT WAS TIME FOR ANIME. Fuck this has been the worst chapter, it added nothing. I’m no author, but I can summarise it in a paragraph: “The day of the convention had arrived, the anime club got off the bus stretching and yawning, having had to assemble at the bus stop at 6:30 in the morning to get to Genkicon. But now, after a long and dull journey, it was time to get their anime on”
Deadly Chlorine How can he write this much? My eyes are seriously slipping off the page reading his shitty Anime story. How can a person be this boring.
The accumulated filth of all the dog poop and hairballs will foam up about their waists and all the catladies and dog crazies will look up and shout “Save us!” ... and I’ll look down and whisper “No.”
Chapter request: Squeeze the events of this chapter into a single paragraph. Razorwired Froggie went a-courtin’, and he did ride, Uh-huh, It was days like this Renee wondered if her parents were right about anime. Only an hour in and the logistics of moving 37 anime fans into a bus already had her on edge. Thankfully the bus driver was okay with her trying to lighten the mood a bit, despite protests from the ever cheerful Alistair. ... “Without my uncle Rat’s consent, Uh-huh The bus trundled through the grey morning. Somewhere in the din of half-hearted singing Renee caught someone discussing the finer points of “Stop It, My Butt Hurts!” and the complex romantic themes in the Tenchi series. A few slurping noises interrupted the sing-along as the last few cups of coffee Renee had provided were finished. Next to come in was a bumbley bee, Uh-huh Thankfully Alistair had decided to sleep for the remainder of the trip. Renee had enough to deal with today and feared she wasn’t a good enough Christian to put up with his constant bitching and elitism today. She was happy to have a Vitriolic Best Bud like him but sometimes wished that he could be a little more kind when he talked to her. If you want anymore, you can sing it yourself, Uh-huh. “Good job, everyone!” Renee said as she smiled and adjusted the clips in her hair. Thankfully the song seemed to have worked. Everyone that had stayed awake for the bus ride was in better spirits. As she turned around and sat back on her seat the speaker system popped as the driver made an announcement. “We’re going to be pulling in at a rest stop. If you need to go to the bathroom, or get some food, please do so now. We will be going back on the road in fifteen minutes.” A few minutes later the charter bus pulled out of the truck stop. Despite the terrible attitude of Alistair and the ungrateful way her club members were acting Renee could hardly contain herself. Just a few more minutes on the road and she would be at Genkicon.
The bus stopped abruptly, and Mike jerked awake, feeling like he hadn’t slept at all. He’d been up half the night finishing his costume, and every time he’d started to fall asleep on the bus, Randy would come up with more bad jokes about their cosplay, or Gracie would decide to detail everything she was going to say to that Francis N. Dick guy, or the entire bus would burst into some song Mike hadn’t heard since elementary school. He was going to need a lot of coffee.
GodlessCommie Is Stop It, My Butt Hurts! seriously a real thing? It sounds like a trashy porn movie.
It’s probably a bad parody of something, like a lot of this story The Triumphant I think the story’s a pretty good parody. Of its author.
Yeah, I’ve seen Robocop. Bitches, leave.
Next time on MCAC: “RAPE HIM TO SHOW YOUR LOOOOOOVE!” That’s right it’s a Gracie chapter...
I’m So Happy that A Gay Guy is Touching MY Boobs!
KingKalamari The entire Mill College Anime CLub thing is basically just the authour trying to do Genshiken and failing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=JVUOvH Yv3ME Horribly
Fuzzy dice, bongos in the back My ship of love is ready to attack
Jesus Christ you’re right. I’ve seen Genshiken before and I totally didn’t catch it, but it’s so obvious. MCAC is the gay man’s genshiken. Y’know, if Genshiken was terrible. Genshiken is pretty good, for the record. And speaking of MCAC “Everyone, pay attention!” Renee circled the large group of con-goers, some in costume, some not. “I have just gotten your entry passes and your swag. Please wait until I call your name to come up and get them. If Alistair or I do not have your passes or swag, please go to the registration desk at the front of the building. You may have not registered in our group. Also, if they have gotten your names wrong, you may write down your name or nickname on the pass.” Alistair and Renee picked out their own passes, and started calling out names. “Grace Wong...Grace Wong...” called Alistair; Gracie picked up her pass and swag bag. “Lance LaRue...Lance LaRue...” called Renee; he picked up his pass and swag bag. “Michael Bronson...Michael Bronson...” “Rodrigo Alvarez...Rodrigo Alvarez...erm, I mean Randy...”
All this is filler name after all.
, I’m just stopping here because it turns out Randy does have a real
“Nina Steinbrenner...Nina Steinbrenner...” “Liese Meyer...Liese Meyer...” “Is there a Thomas Hardwick here?” asked Alistair.
A boy in the back waved, and came up and got his pass and swag bag. “How about...erm...an Allison Takayama?” asked Renee. A short girl in the front, dressed as Card Captor Sakura, waved for Renee to come to her to give her her pass and swag bag. And on it went for twenty-eight more people, until the passes were gone.
Yeah, this is totally good content bro, you’re sure to become a real author with this awesome name list. Remember how a few chapters ago we had over 100 MCAC members? Now we have just over 30. I like how he gave a couple of extra names and then got bored and was like “AND THEN ALL THE REST GOT THEIR PASSES AND IT WAS TIME TO MOVE ON” The entire club, save Missy, who was working on the staff at the convention and who was already there, walked single-file into the convention doors. The convention floor where the people entered was mobbed; there were lines upon lines of people trying to get a door pass, and scores of others trying to pick up their pre-registration pass. There seemed to be a total of five thousand people stuffed into one tiny alcove, which led to the rest of the events center- a much wider space. Gracie was trying to navigate through tons upon tons of cosplayers, kids wearing cat ears and tails, girls wearing Gothic Lolita fashion, people just wearing a Naruto ninja headband or carrying around a plastic sword and calling it cosplay, and other people who were equally geeky but were wearing street clothes. She was trying to find the yaoi room; she was ecstatic that this particular convention even had a yaoi room, because most one-day conventions were sure to present themselves as “family-friendly”- that is, no homosexual content or hentai. Naturally, this being MCAC, this small anime convention is as packed as Japanese comiket and has an entire room just for Yaoi.
She bumped into another girl who was cosplaying as Dustin from Stop It, My Butt Hurts!the very anime that Gracie was cosplaying from. “HOLY SHIT! A Masaaki cosplayer!” shouted the Dustin cosplayer. “DUSTIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!” shrieked Gracie, glomping the other girl. “Awesome, I think I found my uke! Now let me take you into the girls’ room and rape you hard!” She squeezed Gracie back. “Please do! Oh, please do! Just like Dustin raped Masaaki! But not in the girls’ room.” “Oh, are you a trans guy?” asked the other girl. “No, but I kind of envy them, ‘cause they get REAL LIFE YAOI!” “I know! I know!” squealed the other girl. “So- where do you want me to rape you?” “RIGHT HERE!” squealed Gracie. The other girl took Gracie, held her back, and started kissing her forcefully. Every other yaoi fangirl within a ten-foot radius surrounded them, and started screaming things such as: “YAOIIII!” “OH MY GOD DUSTIN ON MASAAKI SO HOT!” “KISS HIM HARDER!” “RAPE HIM TO SHOW YOUR LOOOOOOVE!” They also generally screamed, squeed, and fell into hysterical fits upon seeing thse two cosplayers, representing their lofty ideals of love, making out.
So there’s these two straight girls making out while dressed as gay guys and everyone is squealing about rape. Yup, this is troper fiction alright. I can honestly believe that a troper wrote this. The Saddest Rhino
Jay Xythos, on the worst thing he has done to a character he is writing posted: Well one character Leias is subjected to years of psychological trauma as he basically loses control of his body and goes on a century long killing spree. Eventually he is killed and as he’s dying he is suddenly denied the death he wanted so badly by his own brother. His brother also did this knowingly not under any sort of misguided understanding. (His brother is a bit of a jerkass elemental deity.)
Another one is probably the death of a character who pisses off a reality warper and as a result gets himself ripped apart on a molecular level. The reality warper however, keeps his nervous system intact as a sort of wireless system. Essentially committing him to eternal agony as a cloud of molecules. The reality warper is a good guy by the way. He’s not a hero. He’s just pretty much a good version of ax crazy. At least when he’s angry. The situation is also a little bit more complicated then what I gave there. Well this was a berserk button moment and the reality warper is a child. The victim is an omnicidal maniac and had killed the reality warper’s friend. Guess what I’m back with something I forgot. There’s a somewhat twisted plotline about one of the protagonist being in love with the person who killed her brother despite knowing he did it. (She’s not a psychopath and it does make sense in context) However this later comes back in a big way when the god of truth uses this fact to mind rape her. Bringing her to believe that she may have always in fact hated her brother and does not love her brother’s killer but merely tells herself she does in order to repay him for killing her brother. The mind rape then drives her to try and kill the an she loves but she can’t and so she recoils into herself and let’s loose all her elemental abilities in the hope that she’ll either kill the man (or herself) by accident.
TVTropes: Making rape and violence mundane.
Mike and Randy, who were trying to feel their way around the con, were distracted by all the screaming. “What’s going on?” asked Mike. “Two words: Yaoi. Fangirls.” Randy furrowed his brow. “Oh, yes, the delusional ones. Great.” Mike, against his own better judgement, decided to walk towards the screaming crowd, not surprised to see Gracie and another woman dressed as a man making out. One of the other fangirls turned around, saw Mike in his costume, and screamed, “TOGURO! RUUUUUUUUUN!” Another girl said, “That’s just a really good Toguro cosplayer. Speaking of which, why is a straight guy watching our yaoi?” Mike cleared his throat. “I am not straight, thank you.”
A third girl turned around and looked him square in the eye. “You’re a liar. You’re just pretening to be gay and like yaoi so that you could get into our pants! I mean, gay guys are fashionable, cute, and they sure as hell don’t cosplay as-” here she made a face of absolute disgust- “Younger Toguro.” The second girl said, “Yeah. If you’re gay, how can you stand all of that icky muscle? Gay boys like their boys to look like girls, duh!”
Just a heads up, this is another one of those chapters where Mike becomes the author’s voice and starts yelling at yaoi fans. “I like muscular guys,” said Mike. “And you’re quite wrong about gay men’s taste in men. It’s usually straight women who like lanky, androgynous guys. We’re more often than not all over the really macho ones. My favorites are Sensui, Raoh, and the guy I’m cosplaying as.” “…You have got to be shitting me.” “Haven’t you ever been on a bara board?” “Bara is gross.” The second fangirl made a face. “I have no idea who likes that disgusting crap. Men who are acting like the big, hairy, disgusting pig rapists that I know they are in real life is not a turn on.” “Listen,” said Mike, “if I heard you right, you were asking this taller girl to rape Gracie. Isn’t that kind of hypocritical of you?” “But it’s not really rape, because Masaaki didn’t know he wanted it until afterwards, when he fell in love with Dustin!” squealed the third fangirl. Upon hearing this explanation, all the girls in the circle, Gracie and the Dustin cosplayer included, sighed as if they had heard the most romantic thing in the world. “So cuuute…” “I will never understand straight women,” said Mike under his breath. The Dustin cosplayer had heard him and said, “Excuse me, mister, I’m bisexual!” He looked her straight in the eyes. “Do you like yuri? Or any other lesbian porn for that matter?” The Dustin cosplayer looked at him as if he was the ghost of Michael Jackson, and she was a terrified little boy. There was a small moment of silence, followed by a collective, “EWW, YURI IS GROSS!”
Anime fans are hypocrites? Who knew? SirPhychoSexy is peeling back the nuanced layers of anime fandom like the diseased onion it is.
“Think what you will, but I have two moms, and saying that their love is somehow gross is kind of offensive.” Gracie said, “Yeah, I know that! But yuri is different from your moms!” “Yeah,” said the Dustin cosplayer, “yuri is for perverted old rapist men to whack off to! To make us girls into nothing but sex objects!” “Then what do you think yaoi is doing to gay men?” “Men deserve it, the bastards!” yelled the second fangirl. Mike walked away, dejected that he had lost yet again. He did not understand why some straight women had such an issue with men, sometimes bordering on outright hatred, and yet were reluctant to take the sensible route and go lesbian…
Wait, what? Perhaps they’re not attracted to women is why. Is Mike seriously implying that homosexuality is a choice? Lance caught up with some of the same yaoi fangirls that were “oohing” and “awing” over the Dustin-on-Masaaki action, away from Gracie, and was currently trying to put the moves on a number of them. “Oh my God,” shrieked one, “it’s a real live gay boy!” “My name is Lance,” he lisped. “But you can call me your shopping buddy.” Loud wails of “OH MY GOD” and “HE’S SO HOT” came from the crowd, as Lance snuck behind one of them with large breasts, snuck his hand up her shirt, and started playing with her chest. The girl he was fondling started giggling uncontrollably. “Oh my God, he’s touching my boobs! I’m so happy that a gay guy is touching MY boobs!” “Really now?” said Lance. “I want you to convert me and teach me everything you know about women’s bodies.” She turned around and started kissing him, as he snuck his hand inside of her bra and played with her nipple.
I’ve been told that doing this is actually a thing that exists. I imagine that a real person’s execution of this tactic would be far more subtle though. Gracie, who had walked to the vendor area to buy a few boxes of Pocky as well as Stop It, My Butt Hurts! on DVD, came back to the scene of Lance and another girl making out.
“LANCE!” she screamed. “You said you wouldn’t cheat on me at the convention!” “Hey,” he said breaking the kiss, “it’s not my fault if the ladies love me.” “I told you,” she yelled, “if I ever saw you again with another girl, I would chiop your fucking head off! You understand me? Huh? I wanted to be loved, and here I am, with my favorite gay boy cheating on me and breaking my heart!” Lance completely detached himself from the other girl, and took a moment to touch up his lipstick. “I’m sorry, honey, I am as straight as a post. I have never looked at another man sexually in my life. I am all about getting me some con poontang, and you’re standing in the way! Besides, you always act like this whenever I try to watch hentai or hump my Asuka Langley Soryuu body pillow!” Some of the yaoi fangirls stared at Lance in absolute disbelief; some absolutely denied that he was, in fact, heterosexual, but flaming. The girl he was making out with stared at him in complete and utter shock. “So…you’re not gay?” “No, but I’ll still take you shopping- FOR SEX TOYS!” “But…but I thought…I was going to get a real life yaoi boy to sleep with me!” She started crying. “You’re nothing but a disgusting pervert!” “Yeah, Lance,” said Gracie. “You are a sick bastard and I should have never gotten involved with you!” She walked up to him and slapped him; some of the con staff had seen what she had done, and hauled her outside. “Ma’am, you do know that such conduct is not allowed on convention grounds,” said one. “I know.” Gracie sulked, fearful that she would get kicked out of the convention. “We are giving you a warning, since you did not actually harm the other attendee,” explained the other. “However, if I see you attacking anyone else today, I will have to have my higher-ups ban you from this convention. Understand?” “Yes.” Gracie started crying. “Okay, we’re going to go on back inside,” said the first gopher. “Follow me.” Gracie dutifully did so, trying to keep what remained of her dignity intact.
Of course, none of this is going to teach Gracie a lesson, and I doubt Lance’ll get his comeuppance either. Fuck MCAC
Starmaker The girl he was making out with stared at him in complete and utter shock. “So…you’re not gay?” “No, but I’ll still take you shopping- FOR SEX TOYS!”
Wha...? How... how does that even make any sense? Why would anyone ever respond like that?
My people I bring you a message from the Lord!
And these ridiculous parodies of yaoi fans. I mean yes, I agree, they’re terrible and have no handle on real sexuality, but they’re not retarded. Jesus Christ it’s like he’s never been around people before and he’s just writing based on third-hand accounts.
Chapter Request: Using what we know about Gracie’s character (misogynistic, yaoi fan, homophobe, low self esteem), write a short piece that makes her a good character Cease to Hope
Desine fata deum flecti sperare precando.
Alistair shivered in his block of ice, as Renee revved the chainsaw. Just as she lowered it for the first stroke, they were interrupted by Gracie’s arrival. Alistair turned his head, and greeted her. “Well, look who’s here!” Renee lowered the chainsaw. “Hi, Gracie! You look like you’ve got something to say! Do you?”
Gracie nodded, with attitude. “Yes, I certainly do! I have to go now. My planet needs me.” She abruptly ascended into the air, never to be seen again. Gracie died on the way back to her home planet. ^^^My personal favourite Starmaker Gracie was sitting on a bench in the corner of the convention hall, restlessly adjusting and readjusting her wig. Maybe it wasn’t on properly, or the uniform didn’t fit right. Or maybe, a dark corner of her mind kept insisting, she just wasn’t cute enough. She glanced back at Lance. He was still flirting with the girl cosplaying as Dustin. She made such a good Dustin; a cute, slender bishounen just waiting to ravish her. But she knew once all the clothes were off they would just be two naked women, and the thought revolted her. She took her eyes off the pair and let them drift around the room to all the posters of gorgeous, sparkling boys - the ones without shirts sported impossibly beautiful bodies. Why couldn’t real men look like that? They were all fat and hairy and gross. The only ones that came close were always gay. Except for Lance. He was everything she wanted: slender, attractive, and effeminate. When she found out he was straight it was almost too good to be true. “Yes,” she had thought, “finally I can date someone like Masaaki.” The star of Stop it, My Butt Hurts! was idyllic in every way. Gorgeous, of course, but shy and quiet. He wasn’t loud and rude
My people I bring you a message from the Lord!
and would never insult or bully anyone. He was just so nice. Some of the other characters, like Dustin, were really mean to him, but that was just because they didn’t know how to show their true feelings. It wasn’t rape, though, because they were in love. Masaaki just needed a little convincing - he was too passive. He’s such a wonderful uke. But Lance wasn’t like that at all. He was just such... such an asshole. Where Masaaki would be too shy to tell Dustin he loved him, Lance just completely ignored her. He once canceled a date with her because he had just received his hentai game he had ordered online. Ugh. He was getting off to women. He was supposed to be gay, dammit, and only straight for her. She was supposed to be the only girl in his life. She returned her gaze to the two and would have been horrified by what she saw if it wasn’t so common: Lance was making out with the other girl. His hand was on her hip, his fingers slowly pushing under her shirt. “It’s just a game,” he’d said, “see how many girls I can get to turn me straight. But don’t worry babe,” he kissed her on the forehead, “you’re the only one for me.” His hand slowly crept up the inside of the girl’s shirt. Well, Gracie thought, I guess that’s one. How long was this convention again? They’d only been here fifteen minutes. He was pretty good at this game of his, he would probably rack up dozens of “points,” as he put it. Still, he’d end up going home with her tonight. Well maybe not tonight, he needed his space, but definitely later this week. He’d only ever spend his nights alone or with her. Kissing other girls was one thing, but he’d never cheat on her. She looked at the stage where famed voice actor Francis N. Dick would soon be meeting his adoring fans. She really hoped he looked like Masaaki. Someone online once linked to a picture of a short, fat, bald man, but obviously they were just trolling her. No one like that could have as angelic a voice as Masaaki. The way he’d stumble over his words, and squeak out quiet protests to the other boys’ advances, no one could just fake that. He had to have a truly gentle soul, and his appearance would reflect that. Masaaki would never hurt her. She furrowed her brow. Why couldn’t she have been born gay? It seemed like all the good guys were gay. There were no straight bishounen - well, except for Lance - and every gay guy she knew fit the bill to a tee. Well, not Mike, but he was an anomaly. Like, every other gay guy was like that, those two guys at the Campus Pride Club table, and... and that guy she talked to once online, who had a cute avatar. Besides, no straight guy she ever met acted like the guys in yaoi, but of course they wouldn’t, everyone in yaoi was gay. Every straight guy she ever met was stupid and mean and hurtful. And even if they weren’t, they were always taken by some slutty bitch. Girls ruined everything. She thought of a world without any women, and let out a wistful sigh.
Then every guy would be like Masaaki. The stupid machismo was all just a show to impress girls, but if there weren’t any around they could let out their sensitive, feminine side. She moved her gaze back to Lance, who was still kissing that Dustin girl. He was fondling her breasts now, his hands under her shirt. At least Lance wasn’t like that. He didn’t put on a big macho show to impress girls, he didn’t need to play any games to get their interest. He was beautiful and sensitive, and that made him different. If only he wasn’t such a seme.
Gracie gets hit by a bus.
I Brought This Yuri Paddle for Nothing
It’s been a while, but in the last chapter everyone got to their anime convention, and then Gracie (Homophobic misogynistic yaoi fangirl) did yaoi stuff, then her boyfriend Lance (straight guy who pretends to be gay to pick up chicks) felt up a bunch of other yaoi fangirls. Nina and Liese were looking around, seeing where the Keiko Yamaoka interview would be taking place. They had a good hour to wait, but they wanted to get there early, because they assumed that the room would be crowded. Unfortunately, they were stopped dead in their tracks by a bunch of people who wanted nothing more than to photograph their costumes, as Belarus and Ukraine from Axis Powers Hetalia, respectively. “Belarus-chan!” waved a stout man to Nina. “Look over here! And look creepy for me, will you?” Oh, I’ll look creepy, Nina thought as she turned her head just so, her hazel eyes glimmering in an extremely creepy manner, her right hand stretching up towards the cameras with her play knife held in it… Unfortunately, even though half of the fans were scared of her, there were those who were creeped out by her at first, and then got up and screamed, “Bela-chan is so MOE~!” “She sure is!” choruses some more voices. “I wish there were a Russia cosplayer around here,” said another man. “I want to see her attack him and say, ‘Let’s get married-married-married…’” “You called?” said a large Russia cosplayer. “I was over looking at the doujinshi table, but I heard there was a Belarus here, and I thought, ‘Hey, let’s get a photo-op!’” “SWEET!” shrieked one of the gentlemen in the back.
I don’t know Hetalia or much about history so most of this is going right over my head. 1) Why would Belarus look creepy? 2) Why would Belarus have a knife? 3) Why is Belarus so desperate to marry Russia? Young Freud Belarus is the last of the European dictatorships (yes, even Putin’s Russia is nominally a democracy).
There’s also notable support there for getting the band back together and forming Warsaw Pact 2.
Subtle Quick to Anger
And it’s a yandere thing, I think. Because she’s supposed to be kind and sweet or something but since ~*ANIME*~ she has to be a psycho killer because,
I POSSESS QUESTIONABLE TASTE IN TOUHOU GAMES
The Russia cosplayer leaned in close to Nina. “Hey, you didn’t tell me that you were with a cute Ukraine. With actual big boobs. You know how hard it is to get natural boobs on a Ukraine cosplayer…” “You don’t have a chance in hell with her,” hissed Nina. “She’s a lesbian.” “Um, sorry, I wasn’t interested in her per se, just in her cosplay. I don’t see that many welldone Hetalia cosplays around here. And the ones I do see are usually Italy or Japan or America, or maybe an occasional Germany. None of the Baltic countries.” “Well, okay then. I’m sorry.” Nina slumped down and took a calming breath in. “If you want a photo op with me and her, you might as well take it.” The Russia cosplayer nodded. “Why don’t you pretend to stab me, while Ukraine-chan over there freaks out?” He then handed his cell phone over to one of his friends, who was just wearing street clothes, and asked him to take a picture for him.
Even with my lack of history knowledge, this somehow seems offensive. There was an explosion of flashes, both from digital cameras and cell phone cameras; all three cosplayers had a hard time seeing straight after it was over. After the crowd had abated around them, all three of them decided it would be a good time to start talking.
“You’re pretty good cosplayers. Most of the stuff I see here is crap.” Liese blushed. “Thank you! I have both of these costumes made!” The Russia cosplayer scratched his head. “Huh? What did she say?” “Her English isn’t very good,” said Nina. “Other languages, yeah, but her English is a bit weird. We’re both from Germany. Heidelberg.” “So…what brings you to the States?” he asked. “We came here for graduate school at Mills College.” “Oh yeah, that place downstate.” He seemed to recognize it. “So… what are your guys’ names? I’m Tony.” “Nina,” she said curtly as she extended her hand in greeting. “Liese,” she smiled as Tony shook her friend’s hand. “I take it she’s the shy type, huh?” Tony giggled. “Yeah, pretty much,” said Nina, “but if you get her to speak Japanese, it’s like she can talk a mile a minute.” I’m also pretty ignorant about languages, but let me see if I have this straight. As far as I know, English is a fairly easy language to learn, which is why it’s pretty much the lingua franca for any international trading or the like. In addition, because English and German are both European languages, I’m pretty sure they share similar rules for how sentences work. Compared to that, Japanese has a far different set of language rules and sentence structure than English or German. Despite that, Liese somehow manages to be barely fluent in English while apparently being able to speak Japanese like a motherfucker. TetsuoTW Nah, English is fucking ridiculous. It’s an idiotic and inconsistent language that will just take any assumed rule you’ve learned/figured out and throw it out the window while pissing after it. The only reasons it’s so dominant are the British Empire and the American cultural/technological/financial juggernaut. That said, it would be way easier in theory for a German to learn English than for her to learn Japanese, especially living in a fully immersive environment. If it weren’t for them living in an English-speaking country and studying at graduate school there, I could see an argument for her Japanese being way better - maybe she’s bored by English, maybe the huge difference linguistically and culturally between German and Japanese helps her feel more free to speak in Japanese, who knows. But they’re fucking graduate students in the United States of America. If either of them couldn’t speak English for shit, that one wouldn’t be there.
Let one hundred schools of dildo-bat contend
I give up trying to understand any of these people. Bad Bromance It’s a total mess, but it’s our mess and it’s beautiful
I’m a free bitch, baby
“Really? Cool, never met anyone fluent in Japanese before. Most of the people I talk to just put random words of it into their sentences to sound cool, like they’ve got a girlfriend from Harajuku or something that taught them a thing or two.” “Umm…I hate to ask you this, but…do you like…yuri?” Liese twiddled her fingers. “Yeah, but I’d hate to force anyone to do anything, if that’s what you’re thinking.” “Do you like Belarus and Ukraine together?” Nina was plainly shocked by her friend’s suggestion that they do fanservice together; she knew that Liese had feelings for her, and that she had rebuffed them, but…wouldn’t this be a more awkward situation if they were to have kissed? I don’t like where this is going. Liese is becoming creepy. “I think you should reconsider,” said Nina in German. “I kind of want to bring the crowd back. Just humor me for a bit. People who don’t even know each other do fanservice kisses, so why should it bother me?” Liese smiled. “So…what’s it going to be?” Tony looked confused. Nina took a deep breath, gathered all of her internal strength, and planted a kiss on Lieseright on the lips. Nothing fancy, no tongue, but a kiss on the lips nonetheless. Liese teetered backwards a little bit, but soon regained her control, and wrapped her arms around Nina. “HOLY SHIT! HETALIA YURI!” screamed a man who was in the crowd earlier. “It’s rarer than the galactic alignment! “screamed another man who as running towards them with his camera. Hordes upon hordes of yuri fanboys (and some fangirls) came behind Nina and Liese with cameras; Tony was no exception, wanting to see something that was like getting hit with lightning twice while winning ten million dollars in the lottery.
I think the idea behind this chapter is “Damn it,” screamed a woman towards the back, “I bought this yuri paddle for nothing! I wanted to whack them, but noooo, here they go doing fanservice by themselves!” When they both had to take a breath, Nina and Liese broke their kiss. They then turned around towards their audience, holding hands, and curtsied for their performance. Everyone surrounding them applauded; Nina felt really awkward for kissing her best friend, but her butterflies were gone from her stomach. Liese was just smiling from ear to ear. She looked up at Nina and whispered, “Thank you” in German. Nina just nodded curtly, separated her hand from Liese’s, and started looking for the Keiko Yamaoka panel; Liese soon followed her. And on that day, fifty Hetalia yuri fanboys (and girls) got their wish to see hot, hot Belarus on Ukraine action.
There’s a lot of problems with this chapter, mostly revolving around it being creepy, but what the fuck is a yuri paddle? Lady of the Beech There are Yaoi paddles too and that was the first time I’ve heard of the concept.
Google just told me that a “yuri paddle” is a paddle with “Yuri” written on it. I did not dare go on to investigate what it’s for or why.
MEANWHILE “I am so fucking bored,” moaned Randy while he was sitting by the snack cart in the cafeteria, chewing furtively on a tough, stale soft pretzel. “What? You didn’t go to the AMV contest showing?” “No. It looked like it would suck.” “That’s what you said about the Wii. Now you play that all the damn time.” Mike tried to center himself much in the same way he did when interacting with Gracie. “Anyways, I’m hungry, and I’m going over to that stand to get some falafel.” He got up and Randy just stared at him, chewing on his God-awful pretzel. Randy wondered, even for a minute, if Yusuke would be chewing a pretzel in much the same manner as he was now- not caring one iota about his surroundings, staring off into space as his mind wandered to such topics as hot ladies and pachinko. Or maybe he wouldn’t be chewing the pretzel as much as he would be using it for Spirit Gun aiming practice.
Either way, Randy figured, Yusuke would still have him beat in the badass department. As Mike sat down, a girl came up from behind them, and said: “Hey! Yu Yu Hakusho cosplayers! Awesome! I haven’t seen any all day!” “I’m actually surprised, “said Mike, “it’s a classic series.” “Not even a Kurama or a Hiei?” asked Randy. “No, not even those two. I guess nobody remembers how good that anime was. Or something.” “Maybe they didn’t bother watching it after it stopped airing on Toonami,” said Mike. “Yeah, could be,” she said. “Speaking of which, I have never seen a Younger Toguro cosplayer in my life. And you’re pretty good with it, too. Mind if I take a picture of you guys? I mean fighting, of course. Not a big fan of yaoi. Itsuki and Sensui, yeah, they’re canon, but otherwise, no.” Randy and Mike put down their food, stood about seven feel apart from each other, and posed as if they were going to start fighting. The girl backed up slightly and took their picture on her cell phone. “Got you,” she said. The boys returned to their table and resumed eating; the girl thanked them for their time. Maybe this convention wasn’t going to be so bad, after all.
Boring filler about anime.
Someone’s trying to kill me, that’s what’s wrong! I hate it when people do that!
I love MCAC it’s got a special place in my heart for being the only troper-written work to not be sci-fi or fantasy, and yet it’s still so troper-ish. I even found myself rewriting passages and scenes from it when writer’s block keeps me from working on my own hopeful novel, I guess it’s just such good practice at what not to do when writing characters and emotions. I may post them when I get back home to my own computer, I tried to make the characters human and the situations realistic while diverging as little as possible from the plots and characterizations in MCAC (this was really hard to do, you have to change a lot to make it even semi-realistic). ...sometimes I worry I ironically love it too much. That I have stared too long into the abyss. Anyway, I’m glad to see it again; I always missed it and thought about asking what happened to you, Namtab, but I was worried you had just
had enough and were leaving MCAC alone to recuperate your sanity--I was a little afraid mentioning it would give you Vietnam-style flashbacks.
I’ve been having the flashbacks for some time from simply reading it here. What on earth goes through people’s heads when they write this stuff? Other than “writing gooood!” in the voice of Frankenstein’s monster, I mean the writing process of anything other than academic papers is a closed book to me, and yet this vile stuff that not even annoying teenagers could crap out is considered acceptable for viewing?
Daionus the 23rd
Is it normal to involuntarily flip the bird when reading this?
Purple Saints Profile
Honestly, I think it would be more abnormal not to.
Someone’s trying to kill me, that’s what’s wrong! I hate it when people do that!
Also, I’ve only got 3 chapters of MCAC to go, so if anyone wants to send me suggestions of what troper fiction to read next, feel free to send me them. Stultus Maximus Only 3 chapters to go? Isn’t there supposed to be a plot by this point?
Oh god, there’s actually other completed stuff written by tropers out there?
this chaos is killing me
Please pick something less boring. I don’t care if it’s more terrible and enraging, I just really need something less boring.
If time travel is possible at all, it’s most likely to look like this.
NEXT CHAPTER: Renee and a shopkeeper talk about how nearly every Christian sucks, I die a little inside.
Animes Trying To Look Human
Renee was looking around the vendor booths, looking for a plushie of Haruhi Nakada, or maybe either Panchan or Castellan. She had to dig through all of the Pokemon plushes, all of the plushes of various Naruto characters (here a Kakashi, there a Naruto, another place a Sasuke, and under all of them a Pakkun), and all of the Bleach plushies (millions of Ichigos, she thought, but no Orihimes) in order to find one of Haruhi. Sure, it was second-rate, and they eyes seemed kind of screwy and off-center, but the tag on the back said it was a genuine UFO catcher prize, and they had included the allimportant gravy ladle, so she decided to take it, even if it was of inferior quality. “How much is this?” she asked the vendor. “Erm…let’s see here…” The vendor flipped through his price book, trying to find a price for the toy. “That’ll be twenty dollars.” “What?” Renee was about to get as angry as someone as naturally sweet as her could get. “That’s highway robbery!”
RENEE IS SWEET YOU GUYS IF I DON’T REMIND YOU HOW CAN YOU REMEMBER? “Listen, kiddo,” he went on, “I don’t make the prices around here. That’s the stock trade value for that plush toy. The Bleach and Naruto ones are cheaper, if you’d like to buy some of those…” “I’m not interested, thanks.” Renee glared at him. “I came here for a Gravy Fighter Haruhi plushie, and a Gravy Fighter Haruhi plushie is what I’m going to get!” “Fine, settle down,” said the vendor. “I can’t haggle with you; the con people would throw me out of here and tell me not to come back next year. The reason that’s so expensive is because the anime is relatively new, and they only made a limited batch of toys for the first run. You know, so they had an idea of how popular the merchandise would be. And there are even less of them exported to the United States. You should consider yourself lucky you got your hands on one of them.” “I’m sorry.” Renee looked completely embarrassed, and put her had behind her head. “I should have been a good Christian and paid unto Caesar’s what is Caesar’s.”
OK, here’s where I’m gonna pause to say that THIS IS NOT HOW CHRISTIANS TALK. “Whelp, guess I have to pay $20, time for BIBLE REFERENCE”. The only point that her referencing her religion has is so that this next bit can happen. “Oh, God, not this crap again,” whined the vendor. “Did I offend you? I’m so very sorry if I did! I know not everyone is a Christian, or a Catholic, for that matter, but it’s my faith and…” “I was expecting you to go into some spiel about how gay people are ruining society and how we’re all going to burn in Hell or some shit,” said the vendor. “My son just came out of
the closet. I was a little shocked at first, but hey, I got used to it, since he’s my son. But the reactions from those holier-than-thou douchebags… my God…” “I’m not one of them, I assure you,” Renee said, trying to sound self-confident. “I run an anime club that accepts everyone as a member, no matter race, creed, sexual orientation, or gender identity. Plus most of my members were rejected by the campus groups for those sorts of things because they didn’t buy into their ideologies one hundred percent, or because the campus groups were being run by people who only considered outward appearances to be important- somewhat like the ‘you can’t sit at my lunch table’ mentality from high school.” “Oh, okay,” the vendor sighed. “I’m just used to Christians being Fundamentalists, is all.” “That’s okay,” she said. “My parents are like that. You know, everyone but Catholics is going to Hell. I don’t agree with them, plus they’re trying to get me to step down from anime as a whole because they think it’s Satanic. And my mother doesn’t exactly agree with me getting a career. I myself think they act like the Pharisees, and they don’t really ask themselves, ‘What would Jesus do?’, because they wouldn’t like the answer.” “That’s tough, kiddo,” said the vendor, exasperated. “Are you going to hand over the twenty bucks or what?”
OK, let’s review this. First up “Oh God, not this crap again” from the vendor shows that he’s a shitty vendor. I’ve worked in retail, and you don’t fucking start insulting the person’s religion regardless of your own personal reasons. Granted this is just some shitty anime convention, but he wants Renee’s money, so he should smile and do his best to make that sale, and that means fucking not insulting her just cause he disagrees with her. Second up, this whole sequence adds nothing to anything, we already know that Renee’s not a fundie, but is instead stuck up her own arse about how nice and different she is, this is just the author using Renee as a mouthpiece about how he thinks Christians should act, or at worse, an author insert. Renee is just as offensive a Christian stereotype as the fundamentalist, because she too is perfectly willing to drop in her religion, only she goes on about how good she is instead of how evil you are. She’s the epitome of The vendor’s last line in this quote is a fairly realistic reaction to all of this where credit’s due and all that. though, credit
“All right,” Renee sighed as she grabbed the Haruhi plushie again. “Here’s a twenty.” She handed it over to the vendor, and he took it, saying, “It’s been some day talking to you. Thank you for your business.” “You’re very welcome!” She waved while smiling wide. She walked away from the table, clutching her somewhat off-model plushie, thinking that she had, indeed, found some sort of a bargain.
20 BUCKS FOR THIS! THAT’S A RIPOFF. That’s the price set after import GAH, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY RELIGION That’s cool bro, but do you wanna buy your anime shit? 20 BUCKS FOR THIS! WHAT A BARGAIN! Alistair was wandering around the cafeteria, looking for any other people from Mills College. It was rather hard to see through his Char mask, but he could at least manage to tell where he was going. He was getting frustrated by all of the teenaged fans asking things such as “Who the hell are you supposed to be?” and “Why aren’t you cosplaying the same thing as everybody else?”- but it had happened before at numerous other conventions, and today was no different. There was one person, however, who knew what he was supposed to be, and it rather surprised him. A guy cosplaying as Ken from Gatchaman had walked up to him earlier and asked, “Hey, Char? Can I take your picture? Your costume is really great!” To which he had replied: “Thank you! I rarely get any compliments or photo requests for this old thing. Nobody knows who the Red Comet is anymore. It’s kind of sad, really. By the way, I’ve never seen a Gatchaman cosplayer before either!” The Ken cosplayer bowed his head. “You know, no one remembers the old stuff anymore. And the new fans don’t even bother to watch it, or figure out where their roots are.” “Yeah, so true.” Alistair was somewhat happy, as happy as someone like him could possibly be in a situation that did not involve the suffering of other people. “So…when are you going to take that picture?”
Fucking hell author, get over yourself. Char isn’t that fucking obscure, literally everyone who watches anime and knows what anime is will know who char is. Stop being so conceited.
Also, “as happy as someone like him could possibly be in a situation that did not involve the suffering of other people”? Really? Alistair really is a troper isn’t he. “Shit, I almost forgot.” The Ken cosplayer took out his digital camera and photographed Alistair. “Now it’s your turn,” Alistair said as he reached for his cell phone and turned on its camera. “Strike a heroic pose or something.” The Ken cosplayer struck a pose, dramatically lifting up his cape; as he did so, Alistair took his photograph. That was the best time he’d had at the convention- better than the numerous anime screenings he had gone to, better than a lot of the games and panels (even better than “Whose Line Is It Anime?”- a game in which members of the audience, as well as the hosts, did improvisational comedy a la the famous improve series Whose Line is It Anyway?). He had gotten to know another fan that cared about anime’s past, its rich history.
But little did he know that his day was about to get better. Or possibly worse, depending on how it played out.
Fucking hell, at an anime convention there’s going to be more than one person who knows what Gundam is. It’s like the author wanted to pick something obscure but failed because he barely knows anything about anime himself. Also there’s no big suspense here by the way. He was ravenously hungry by this point; it was almost one P.M. and he hadn’t eaten a damned thing all day. He went over to the pizza stand, ordered a two-slice special with a drink, and sat down and began to eat. Little did he know that someone he knew was nearby- someone he was rather ambivalent about having with him at the same anime convention as he was. “Alistair? Is that you or some other Char cosplayer?” He swore up and down he had heard his voice behind him. He turned around and there he was: a rather burly man with balding mousy-brown hair, the same color as Alistair’s. “Dad? How did you get here?” “I’m an adult. I have money and a car.” “I thought you didn’t know about this convention,” Alistair sighed. “No, I do, remember? You told me about it over the phone when you asked me for swag money. Besides, I haven’t been to a convention in a dog’s age.” “Not even a Star Trek or a comics convention?” Alistair asked him. “Sadly, no. First because of your mother and her obsession with those freaky-ass child beauty pageants that she made you and Brittany enter, and then, after I divorced the bitch, I couldn’t do it because I had no extra money. Just enough to live on for one person.” “So what happened?” “I got a promotion at work about a year ago. Otherwise I couldn’t afford having Lum. Remember?” “Oh yeah.” Alistair was ashamed that he couldn’t remember every single detail about the dad he loved so much. “So…why did you come to this particular con? Besides me being here?” “I wanted to meet Keiko Yamaoka.” “I thought you hated Gravy Fighter Haruhi.”
“Well, I don’t. I think I told you.” “Damn it, I feel like a complete idiot,” Alistair grumbled as he lowered his head against the table. “I was scared to tell you I ended up liking that show because I was afraid I’d betray your standards, and…” “No worries, kiddo.” His dad patted him on the back. “How about you and I hit the dealer’s room?” “Let me eat first.” He solemnly took a bite of his pizza. “All right. I might as well get some lunch too.” He headed up to the falafel stand and got two pita pickets overflowing with falafel, hummus, and vegetables. Father and son ate in peace before they went into the dealer’s room.
DAD HOW DID YOU GET HERE TO MY TOTALLY OBSCURE CONVENTION You told me about it, remember WHY ARE YOU HEEEERE? Because of an anime we both like I THOUGHT YOU HATED IT YOU BETRAYED ME No, I like it, I told you that OH I LIKE IT TOO, I JUST DIDN’T WANT TO BETRAY YOU You told me that too (not actually said). Wanna get food? Chapter request: Fuck I don’t know, draw a MCAC member or whatever.
RebelWorm I’m a terrible artist so I can’t draw you a picture, but the author can.
It’s nice to know that if I ever need to write about aliens trying to look human and not quite getting it in horrifying ways, I can just go to any Troper’s DA page and describe exactly what I see.
Did someone say Wood?
It’s everything my cold goon heart could have ever hoped for. NEXT CHAPTER: Gracie is terrible, anime talk happens. It’s fucking long and may break me.
The Most Uke-Esque Uke in the History Of Yaoi
So I tried my hand at the previous chapter challenge and drew Gracie. I’m shit at art and perspective so the overhanging gut got completely fucked up, but this is what entered my minds eyes whenever she showed up.
Gracie looked around again; she remembered that the Francis N. Dick question and answer panel was a 4 PM, followed by an autograph session, but she could not, for the life of her, find the room: G119. The events center was laid out so as to have seven different wings on two different floors: A, B, C, D, E, F, and G. Gracie knew that the cafeteria was in the A-wing, as well as the vendor’s room- right by the entrance, turn right. But where the G-wing was, and which floor it was on, was beyond her. She looked for a gofer, someone clad in the bright-red T-shirt that said “GENKICON” in big white letters, next to a chibi drawing of their mascot, Genki Girl. Sadly she could not see anyone matching this description in the crowd in front of her, so she tagged a random girl wearing a kimono, and asked: “Do you know how ot get to G119?” “Frank?” she answered. “Pffft. You are so wasting your time.” “How so?” “Didn’t you hear? He slept with at least ten underage female con-goers in total from all the cons he’s been invited to!” Gracie scratched her head. “That can’t be right. Frank’s a nice guy. I read his interviews.” “Yeah, he’s a lying bastard, is what he is,” spat the girl in the kimono. “He does a voiceover in a yaoi anime, does several more for male characters in non-yaoi anime that fangirls like to pair up with other guys, and then he turns around and says that none of them are gay because he says so, and because being gay is a sin against God! He’s a right homophobe! Haven’t you seen anything of his on YouTube? Jesus!”
Yeah, this is the tension for this chapter. A yaoi voice actor doesn’t like yaoi. “No, everything I’ve seen of his comes from his official Web site and his MySpace page,” said Gracie, puzzled as ever. “He’s just saying nice things so that you’ll be Gullible Yaoi Fangirl Number Eleven. All he says he likes yaoi for is to get into women’s pants! Grow some sense, girl!” “I think you’re a liar!” Gracie shouted. “Besides, what business of yours is it to police what voice actors I like and don’t like?” The girl gave Gracie a curt, “Fine, don’t say I didn’t warn you” before she walked away in a huff. By this time Gracie was still lost, as well as emotionally hurt and desperately confused. She had to find a gofer to tell her here Room G119 was...or else, she thought, she would miss an opportunity to bond with her idol. Naturally, meeting a single person who disagrees with her has emotionally devestated her despite the fact that she just dumped her boyfriend and her best friend calls her out on her bullshit all the time. But no, this is what does it.
Lost in a haze thinking about how it would be to meet Frank, as he was usually known, she bumped into a rather portly man with his hair in a ponytail wearing the GenkiCon T-shirt. “Oh dear...” she muttered. “Watch where you’re going, you stupid yaoi fan! My God, the more cons I’m a gofer for, the more I think that the anime fandom is a bunch of inconsiderate losers who have absulutely no taste.” “I beg your pardon, but where is Room G119?” “Did you not look on the convention map?” he queried haughtily. “Or are you so blind as to not know your ass from a hole in the ground?” Gracie wondered, even for an instant, how someone that was obviously so much of a jackass got a gig gofering at a convention. “Yeah, I looked. It’s just that I’m...kind of lost.” “Fine,” gasped the gofer. “If you go to your right and walk down the stairs at the end of the hallway, you will be in G-wing. G119 is directly in front of the staircase, on the left.” “Thank you!” Gracie waved and sprinted down the hallway to the staircase. “People are so unbelievably inconsiderate nowadays,” moaned the gofer as he buried his face in his hands. “Worst. Convention. EVER.”
You see, it’s a Simpsons reference or whatever. I give up, it’s just filler, just pointless filler between her goal of wanting to get to a room and her actually getting to the room and advancing the plot. Also he’s probably right about this specific subset of anime fandom by the way. Gracie walked into the crowed room, set up much like a lecture hall, and tried to find a seat. Luckily, there was a seat next to the Dustin cosplayer she had met (and kissed) earlier. As she tok her seat, the Dustin cosplayer said, “Hey, it’s you! I don’t remember getting your name! I’m Kate.” “I’m Gracie.” “Awesome,” squealed Kate. “I am so stoked to hear Frank talk!” “I know, I know. I totally respect the guy who dubbed Masaaki’s voice.” “Yeah! He totally must be gay! I mean, he’s really girly-looking, plus he talk about how much he loves yaoi. HE IS SOOO HOOT!” “I know, right? There was this girl I bumped into earlier who says that Frank’s a
homophobe. I don’t believe her for an instant. I mean, he voiced Masaaki, the most ukeesque uke in the history of yaoi!”
If a man voices a gay anime he must be gay and not after a paycheck. It’s really obvious at this point that he’s gonna turn out to hate yaoi and Gracie’s gonna wind up getting in a fight with him, possibly getting applauded by all these sadsacks in the audience. I hate this story. This is the penultimate chapter and the biggest drama is going to be “Gracie likes yaoi”. AGAIN. To put this next bit into context, the “uke” is the submissive partner, usually looks feminine, may cry a little. The “seme” is the dominant partner, doing whatever it takes to get the uke to give in to his emotions. I got all that from Wikipedia.
“EEE! Don’t remind me, I might faint!” Kate clenched her fists in excitement.”That’s why we like Masaaki so damn much! He is so cute, and so rapeable! I just wanna make him my bitch until he cries his sweet uke tears!” “I’d rather be Masaaki.” Gracie looked confused. “I’m one hundred percent seme myself, you know,” Kate smiled. “I like cute, frail, weak boys!” “Well, you should read this fic my friend wrote. She gave Masaaki hemophilia! IT WAS SO MOE!” “OH MY GOD, GRACIE, YOU JUST MADE ME ORGASM!” Kate’s face turned bright red.
Haemophilia is basically a blood disease that means that blood can’t clot properly. Why this is hot is beyond me, and probably beyond most yaoi fans, even the hardcore ones this is supposedly “parodying”. “Excuse me,” said a girl in front of them,”could you guys stop yelling? It’s hurting my ears.” “What are you, some kind of yaoi-hating homophobe?” asked Kate. “Um, no, I love yaoi. It’s just that I’m not as loud and annoying as some people.” She scowled at Kate and Gracie. “Yeah,” added the guy sitting next to her. “Leave my girlfriend alone, you asses!” Gracie was shocked. “But we didn’t…” “You didn’t what? I hate yaoi fangirls like you! Low-key ones like my girlfriend here I can handle, but not you guys!” Kate started getting defensive. “Why is that, you dumb male brute?” “Don’t get bitchy with me,” he warned. “I like me some girl on girl, but I’ll be damned if I emotionally blackmail two of my female friends into lesbian acts for my personal pleasure. That’s the difference between guys who jerk off to videos of hot naked lesbian twins rubbing each other’s tits with oil while jumping on a trampoline, and yaoi fangirls at conventions. I myself have way too much respect for women to make two of my female friends make out, thank you very much.” Having made his point, he turned around to face the front of the room. Kate and Gracie merely looked at each other, stunned into silence.
Wait, that’s not Mike. I’m literally amazed there’s more than one person in this world who is actually reasonable about things. Well, other than the “hot naked lesbian twins” part, that’s just creepy.
Frank N. Dick and one of his personal assistants entered the room and sat down behind the microphone that was readied at the front of the room. His assistant smiled, while the gofer that was running the panel ran in, her long brown hair blowing behind her. “Sorry I’m late, you guys,” she said into the microphone, exhausted, “but may I have your attention please? I would like to introduce to you, famed voice actor most well-known for his role as Masaaki Morioka in the popular yaoi anime, Stop It, My Butt Hurts!, among other roles that are, obviously, less well known…” Here the audience giggled. “…Mr. Francis N. Dick, popularly known to anime fandom as ‘Frank’!” People applauded at this point in time. Mr. Dick cleared his voice and said, “Does anyone here like yaoi?” The whole crowd cheered, with numerous women (and some men) jumping up and down in a fit of glee, screaming “YAOI!” and “MASA-UKE!”
Even when the plot actually shows up it’s still boring. Frank spoke into the microphone again. “I just meant the girls. You dudes here can sit down.” The aforementioned male audience members sulked and took their seats. He started again. “So…any of you ladies like the yaoi?” Almost all the women in the audience cheered. “Good, ‘cause I like the ladies who like the yaoi.” Applause. Frank cleared his throat again. “And guess what? Masaaki likes the ladies!”
Oh hey, I was right, the yaoi VA likes women, not men. This is drama right here. Half the audience cheered, and the other half, including Gracie and Kate, were much too confused to say anything. “Yeah, the creators and producers of the show have confirmed to me that Masaaki is, in fact, not gay.” Frank had gotten mixed up on this one; in his mind, the Japanese creators and producers of the show reassuring him that none of the characters were gay (due to that phrase meaning, to a Japanese person, that none of the boys had a Western-style gay identity, but still had male-on-male sex) meant that all the characters were straight and would thusly avoid burning in Hell for all eternity.
An even smaller amount of fangirls cheered. “In fact, he loves the ladies, just like me, and he’d be chasing some hot tail if he didn’t go to Ruana Academy.” “But…he’s in a yaoi anime!” Gracie stood up and barked at Frank. “Yeah, but I’ll be damned if any of the characters I play…be damned.” Frank’s quick wit came right back at Gracie. how is that “quick wit”? What is happening why is this important “You are disgusting!” she yelled. “No, you are! You’re a girl cosplaying as a boy, for God’s sakes. Do you not know your place?” A thought came over Frank’s mind: He remembered his childhood, and how his parents disciplined him for acting too masculine. His mother called over a local Protestant exorcist to get the Devil out of him when he was six. As he grew older, he clearly began to desire women. It was too bad for him that he had a female body, a condition he thought that he needed to correct- and not only for his earthly happiness right now, but for his heavenly happiness in the hereafter. As a teenager, he found himself reluctantly a part of the lesbian community. His parents found out he was dating a woman, and they essentially shunned him for being himself. Luckily, they were the “hate the sin, love the sinner” types at that point and they still fed him and clothed him, even though they didn’t like his girlfriend or the fact that he was a female-bodied person who dated girls. When he decided to transition in his late twenties, his parents cut off all times with him, thinking that his sex change was even more unnatural than him being a part of the lesbian community. What hurt more than his parents’ disowning him was when his lesbian-identified girlfriend dumped him, and the entire gay community turned on him, calling him a traitor, and excommunicating him as his church did earlier. Bucking up his courage, he turned to his Bible. Still angry that the gay community had rejected him, he turned himself into a model Fundamentalist Christian man, quoting Leviticus and Romans at any gay person that seemed to be happier than he was. He moved to another state, joined a new church and kept his former life hidden from anyone and everyone who inquired into it. He did have a few girlfriends from church, but after they had found out, they were too distressed and embarrassed that they had slept with a transsexual man to tell anyone about their pain and their shock. About a year after he had been taking testosterone, he got a break in anime voice acting, as several background characters in a number of anime. He then got his big break with Masaaki Morioka in Stop It, My Butt Hurts!, and had been a big name in voice acting ever since. The rumors going around about him sleeping with his fangirls were true, because he could not find any other woman who would accept him, or ask him questions about why he
had to go and inflate his penis before sex, or why he had scars on his chest. Young yaoi fangirls were conveniently ignorant about cisgendered male anatomy and Frank used this to his advantage.
OK, his sexual politics aside, I think even the most extreme yaoi fangirl would know enough about the male anatomy to know that you don’t need to inflate your penis before sex. I mean, I’m all for the author making another character be a transsexual for no real reason, but he’s sleeping with “young yaoi fangirls”.
This being troper fiction, the logical question is “how young?” Do we have yet another example of a troper written rapist/paedophile on our hands? He bowed his head, silent. “I know my place,” answered Gracie back, “but do you know yours?” “Of course I do! I am a straight man who happens to do anime voice acting! I get paid for this, though it runs counter to my beliefs! And guess what, I pray to God for forgiveness afterwards!” He started crying. Gracie immediately felt awful. The whole room fell into complete silence as Frank had a nervous breakdown.
A nervous breakdown? After Gracie says three things to him? This story is fucking stupid.
They might as well have called the story ‘I hate Vic Mignogna because he thinks the yaoi is bad’.
Vincent Van Goatse
That part about the voice actor manages to offend me on every single conceivable level including ones I wasn’t previously aware of. It’s trying to be all deep and aware but it’s so offensively stupid.
On his return to Candlestick Alexander Smithius ordered the Buccaneers to be brought forth and crucified; the punishment he had often threatened them with whilst he was in their hands, and they little dreamt he was in earnest.
Vic Mignogna is like the nicest guy on the planet. I saw his panel at Dragon*Con a few years ago and I actually enjoyed myself. Also, accusing him of being “homophobic” is ridiculous because all he ever said was “the characters that I voice aren’t gay” when yaoi fangoers ask him questions about slash fiction about the characters he’s voiced. The dude is definitely a Christian, but the only time he ever mentioned it in his panel was at the very end where he said was giving away free audiobook CDs he’d made of the Gospel of John at his autograph table later that day. I can’t believe someone would hate him so much they’d make a caricature of him in their fanfiction and spend an entire chapter bashing him.
Oh shit, his name’s Frankendick because he’s a transsexual. Oh my fucking god that is in absurdly bad taste. I caught the Francis N Dick thing as soon as the name was announced but I never expected the reason for it would be so horribly offensive on every level. I figured it was just an anime reference or some shit. I can’t even ironically love this like I ironically love every other instance of tasteless bullshit in that awful story. At least with the rest of the story all the offensiveness seemed like the author had his or her heart in the right place but was clueless and had never spoken to another human being before so it all came out wrong, but this is just actively malicious. Fucking Frankendick.
Someone’s trying to kill me, that’s what’s wrong! I hate it when people do that!
He’s just stealing from Rocky Horror Picture Show, and in doing so he’s ruining the original joke, because tropers destroy everything they touch.
Meanwhile, there were only thirty people attending the combined Keiko Yamaoka/Nagisa Iwai panel, since the con management had the, ahem, foresight to place it at the same time as the Francs N. Dick panel. “I take it that this is all the people we have here,” said Missy. Nina yelled from the audience. “Yes!”
That’s retarded, there’s literally no way that a yaoi thing with a dub VA is going to get a crowded hall compared to the Japanese VA of a popular moeblob anime getting only 30 people. I haven’t even been to any cons and yet I’m reasonably sure that’s not how things would work out unless it was specifically catered towards yaoi fans. “Oh, hey guys, it’s you guys. The German girls I see in club all the time. I can’t remember your names though…” “Nina,” said Nina. “And she’s Liese,” she said, pointing to her friend. “I know you guys are cosplaying, but you’re cosplaying as…don’t tell me…Belarus and
Ukraine from Hetalia?” “That is right,” said Liese. “What did they say?” Ms. Yamaoka asked Missy in Japanese. “I said that they’re from Germany,” she answered back in Ms. Yamaoka’s native tongue, and that they’re cosplaying as Belarus and Ukraine from Axis Powers Hetalia.” “Oh, Hetalia! I love that series, it’s so funny!” “Huh?” said Nina. Liese responded in German: “She thinks Hetalia is funny.” Liese then cleared her throat and asked Ms. Yamaoka in Japanese, “Who is your favorite Hetalia character?” “Oh, you speak Japanese? Are you a half?” “No, I’m from Germany, as I said, and I’m just halfway fluent is all.” “That’s pretty impressive! Anyways, my favorite Hetalia character is Liechtenstein.” Missy cleared her throat and began interpreting. “What they just said is that Ms. Yamaoka is surprised she speaks fluent Japanese, and Ms. Yamaoka’s favorite Hetalia character is Liechtenstein.”
Haha, the author is a genius. By having a Japanese person he literally gets to repeat every line of dialogue twice. Think of the words generated from that She went on into the microphone. “I’m sorry we got distracted with this panel. This is the official beginning of the Keiko Yamaoka/ Nagisa Iwai panel. Ms. Yamaoka, to my left-”she pointed to an elegantly dressed woman with long wavy black hair and sophisticated gold glasses-”is the creator of Gravy Fighter Haruhi, which, as of this week has achieved the Number 2 anime rating for Fuji TV, and the Number 8 rating for all anime. And to my right”she pointed to a young-looking, slim girl whose face lit up with excitement and whose hair was put up into twin high ponytails with hair wrapped around their base- “is Nagisa Iwai, better known as NAGISA. She is the voice of Haruhi in Gravy Fighter Haruhi; this is her first anime voice acting role. Before she became an anime voice actress, she was a teen idol singing sensation in Japan, with hits such as “Grow Up!~ Otona ni Naritai”, “Tengoku no Suzu,” and “Strawberry Boyfriend”. Let’s hear it for these two lovely ladies!” The audience stood up and applauded; sadly, there wasn’t much of an impact from thirty people in a room designed to seat two-hundred and fifty people. As they sat back down, Missy went on, “Now, we ask questions. I am your interpreter; feel free to ask away in English.” A girl near the back raised her hand. “Yes?”
“I have a question for Yamaoka-sensei. Did you name Shinobu Futagawa and Itsuki Subita after the character Shinobu Sensui and Itsuki from Yu Yu Hakusho?” Missy repeated the sentence in Japanese, and Ms. Yamaoka answered her in Japanese. “She says that she, in fact, did, and she respects Togashi’s work, as he was the one that originally inspired her to draw yaoi doujinshi at Comiket when she was in high school.” The girl sat back down. Liese stood up and asked Ms. Yamaoka in Japanese, “I heard you came out about six months ago. If so, I am very happy for you. What made you decide to come out of the closet?” “There were many factors,” said Ms. Yamaoka in Japanese. “First off, I wanted there to be more visibility of gays and lesbians in Japanese society. Second off, I have a girlfriend who has a small child, so I had to do it for her.” “I also have a question for Iwai-san: How do you like playing Haruhi? Is it difficult at all?” “No, it’s very interesting,” responded Nagisa in Japanese. “I identify with her so much. I want to have her sense of justice, and I also love eating Kentucky Fried Chicken.’ Missy cleared her voice and interpreted the whole conversation. “Ms. Yamaoka came out for her lover’s daughter and to increase Japanese gay and lesbian visibility, and Ms. Iwai identifies with Haruhi, wishes to have her sense of justice- and loves KFC.” The audience laughed. The question and answer session went on for another hour, surprisingly, and the guests learned that Nagisa was working on a new album, and that Ms. Yamaoka has recently been approved to write a short series for Yuri Hime Wildrose. In short, the Keiko Yamaoka/Nagisa Iwai interview was more intimate and better-handled than the Francis N. Dick one, which left Missy to wonder afterwards: Were they ever going to invite another obnoxious dub voice actor in the future?
Naturally this bit has relatively reasonable people in the room and therefore serves as nothing but filler. This chapter was fucking stupid, so glad the next one is so short.
Lady of the Beech
I would have liked MCAC if it was 50,000 words shorter. It’s probably the most boring thing I ever read or skimmed reading.
Reading through MCAC reminded me of a time I met someone who I am sure is a troper in real life. Waiting in line at the bank, I notice the woman behind me has a Sluggy Freelance shirt on. I think that it is neat, and tell her so. She starts talking to me, and somehow or another starts talking about the con scene. I don’t watch Anime; I have never been to a con. However, my brother does, so I shoot the shit. She talks about having recently gotten back from a con in San Diego or something. I ask if it was Comicon, that being the only Californian con that I am familiar with. She then corrects me. It was Yaoicon. This is a middle-aged woman sitting here in the bank telling me about cosplaying as Naruto so she can make out with other girls dressed as dudes. The shit with Gracie in the story? Apparently this is a real thing that happens. This is what this person thinks is appropriate to talk about in front of an entire group of strangers. A con of nothing but 30 or so girls pretending to be dudes hooking up with each other. To finish it off, she decides to give me life lessons about how I should not do boring work and do what she does. What does she do for a living? She’s a writer. She writes romance novels. Since they are easy to write, I should quite whatever I’m doing to be a writer because it is easy and fun. At this point I am trying to hurry up and get out as fast as possible. I mean, I don’t hang around cons or Anime people a lot so I’m sorry if this is like a well known thing, but I am shocked that not only is it big enough to be a thing, but that this person thinks this is the kind of thing strangers make small talk about.
I’m pretty much not gonna hang out with my Troper friends anymore after this weekend because of how weird the weekend got. I treated it like any other New Year’s, drinking too much and dragging them to parties. But apparently after a few times of hanging out I’m close enough to listen to them talk about the weird shit they do in the bedroom. And the guy would bring it up over the littlest thing. Like everyone in this thread has said before, I don’t care what two consenting adults do, if you’re into weird shit that’s cool. But I don’t need to hear about how your fiance changed your man diaper on the couch while we’re moving that couch. They also introduced me to one of their friends who in the span of four hours: Dragged me to a lingerie shop so I could watch her try stuff on. Took me to the toy section of said shop and talked about how much she loved anal beads. When I made a joke about it asked me if we could go to a theatre that shows hentai for degenerate losers. After the guy we were staying with berated her into drinking she got shitfaced off half a drink. Cried for the rest of the night while yelling about how much she loved her boyfriend.
Maybe she was really into you. NEXT CHAPTER: The most rushed ending you can imagine. None will be satisfied.
Anime Is the Tie That Binds Us
Fuck this shit I’m finishing tonight. Fuck tropers fuck everyone here we go for the shortest chapter. After the night was over, and everyone had seen the hilarious crossover skit at the cosplay contest that had gone like this: “Welcome to the League of Shounen Villains,” said Pain. “I am Pain. This is Orochimaru. And together we are going to take over Konoha.” “And have Sasuke’s body,” said Orochimaru. “Kabuto?” A Kabuto cosplayer came out onto the stage. “Yes, my lord?” “Get under the table.” As Kabuto did so, A Sensui cosplayer came out onto the stage. “Did someone say something about getting under the table?” “No,” said the other villains in unison. “Getting under the table or killing humankind, that’s all the options I’ve got.” The audience laughed. “Wait,” said Pain, “aren’t you a human?” Sensui hung his head. “I hate myself and I want to die.” Pain walked over to him and said, “Join the club.” In walked a Hisoka (from Hunter x Hunter) cosplayer. He surveyed the scene and said, “Damn it, no unripe fruit for me to pluck!” Sensui walked over to him and said in a seductive tone, “You can pluck this ripe one.” He and Hisoka walked off the stage in a suggestive manner, which sent the yaoi fans reeling. Pain just sat down at the table and held his head. “Maybe I should re-title this club “League of Shounen Yaoi Guys”.” “Indeed, “hissed Orochimaru as Kabuto wiggled himself from under the table. “That’s it, I’m out of here!” Pain stormed off of the stage and the lights went out. …and after everyone had gotten up and applauded for them, even though they took second place in the overall contest (second only to a fairly uncreative skit about Haruhi Nakada and Yoko Katsuragi), the con was more or less over, save Nagisa Iwai’s concert.
Why is so much about this stupid anime convention revolving around yaoi. It’s not yaoicon or whatever, I’m assuming it’s aimed at the typical anime fan, and yet EVERY. FUCKING. THING is about yaoi or less popular than yaoi. Sadly, since the people who had wanted to meet Nagisa had already met her at the panel and had gotten her autograph at the signing held after the panel, and also because they wanted to get back to campus at around 11 PM so that everyone had time to go to their dorms, or maybe to their houses in the city, Renee had called everyone to leave the convention grounds at 8:30 PM. Naturally, everyone was having too much fun to leave the convention; however, they knew that the bus was their only way out of there and back to their homes. So they rather sulked as they got onto the bus, in single file, having both happy and sad memories of the convention in their hearts. So yeah, the author ran out of words about the convention so it’s time to end in the only way possible. Montage! Gracie learned that sometimes one’s idols weren’t always fit to be worshipped; she had also learned that there was a store online that sold yaoi manga for five dollars a tankoubon volume, and she had gotten their contact information in the dealer’s room.
In real terms Gracie learned nothing, she was still an offensive homophobe, only now she also had the honour of making a transsexual VA cry. She dies alone, surrounded by cats. Missy was exhausted from a day of translation; she had gotten permission to come back early, since her duties had been fulfilled.
Aside from going out with Gracie that one time Missy was pretty much a nonentity. A pity because she was genuinely a sympathetic, well written transsexual character. Well, wellwritten for this story anyway. Liese smiled as she remembered that somehow, even though she had been rejected, Nina actually got up the nerve to kiss her- even if it was for the sake of cosplay, and it was probably never going to happen again. Nina herself had learned that it was okay to be wrong about some things (namely Hetalia), and to let her metaphorical hair down to have some fun.
Liesse learned that it’s ok to pretty much force your best friend/crush to kiss you via peer pressure. Nina didn’t really have any character development whatsoever, even Randy forgot all about her. I’m serious, after Randy meets Mike that whole learning German subplot is dumped right away and all the girls do is cosplay stuff.
Randy and Mike learned that there was always some place they were going to belong. Sure, why not. As the bus drove out of the parking lot, Renee announced, “I hope you guys had fun out there. And remember, anime is the tie that binds us. No matter who our friends are, or who our family is, we’ll always have a medium that we will enjoy and that will never judge us.” The whole bus yelled, “Amen” as the bus got onto the highway. Sometimes it was best to be shown where you belonged. END 50,000 WORDS BITCHES, I’M A WRITER NOW. This was a shitty moral; pretty much everything you enjoy can’t judge you because it’s a fucking object. Anime is literally incapable of judging you because it has no emotions. Nontheless, if it had emotions it would be judging these chucklefucks.
Anime is the tie that binds us? I’m sorry, no, it’s a fucking TV show, if you are relying on a TV show to be your safe haven from the world you are pathetic.
If time travel is possible at all, it’s most likely to look like this.
These people take it to the next level, anime is their life, it’s what defines them, in some cases it’s even what forms the core of their entire personality. Sawboss Jones What is MCAC? Has there-- oh, I get it now. The whole thing is a yaoi in that it has “No climax, no point, no meaning”. Right?
I must save that woman!
Thanks for the memories, Mills College Anime Club. The awful, offensive, sperg-tastic memories.
We’ll always have a medium that we will enjoy and that will never judge us.
We’ll always have a medium that we will enjoy and that will never judge us.
We’ll always have a medium that we will enjoy and that will never judge us.
Paula tried PSI Fire Beta!
We’ll always have a medium that we will enjoy and that will never judge us.
You beat the final boss of NaNoWriMo. Good job.
Achievement Unlocked: No Point Write 50,000 words or more without contributing a single iota of worth to human art.
I like how MCAC “subverted” the idea of having a plot! (or averted, diverted, whatever)
CHAPTER REQUEST: A more accurate ending montage Daionus the 23rd
And suddenly, the power went out. The weeaboos responded in the only way they knew: they lost it. Some ran in circles. Some tried to hurt others. Some huddled into balls. Some just screamed. It was several minutes before somebody returned the power to the building. Few would have expected what happened next. The jpop that had been blaring was replaced with a stranger medley. Where there had been merchandise and sex toys, there were now firearms and weapons that resembled sex toys. Where there had been tables & stands, The gofers were dressed in attire they actually wanted to wear. The VIPs, with a few exceptions, were now heavily armed. Over an intercom an announcement was made. And then everything made sense. “Hello and welcome to the annual Genkicon Edition of Professor Genki’s Super Ethical Reality Climax!” *** They say that night’s show was second only to the Steelport season of Genki’s in terms of popularity. The bodycount was one of the largest, and even a few hunters were killed in the firefight. Some died quickly, some died slowly. Some fought back. Others lost hope immediattely. Only a handful of “semi-voluntary mascots” left the building alive. All but one were later found dead. The sole survivor is said to be living somewhere, living off of cheap takeout and wild animals, but nobody that ever searched for them lived to tell the tale.
Purple Saints Profile
Daionus really loves Saints Row Razorwired “And that’s a buck five back.” Jerry said as he slid a crumpled bill and toasted sandwich to yet another customer in a ridiculous costume. Only halfway through the extra shift and he was already considering calling Jamie and telling her that she now had to cover two of his weekend shifts. Subway always saw a lot of business from the convention center but few crowds were as annoying as the anime kids. Four hours in and he was running out of meatballs and had made a whopping $3.48 in tips. His last customer played par for the course, dropping the nickel from the change tray into his tip jar and flouncing off to sit with another girl in the same type of period wear. Jerry caught the odd word in what sounded like German coming from that table as he busied himself with cleaning the counter. He couldn’t understand the words but by the way the girls were only speaking a few words at a time and not looking at each other they weren’t having a good day “I just don’t like you that way.” didn’t need that much translation, apparently. Two guys sitting in the corner finished up and cleaned up their table, “Bus should be getting back soon. Guess we should get going.” the shorter man said as he walked towards the door.
“Sure. Pity they were such hardasses and booted us. We totally had the costume contest in the bag.” the taller guy in the trenchcoat dumped his trash in the can. “Yeah, they’re just lucky we can’t catch the bus if we’re in jail. Otherwise I totally woulda shown them a Curbstomp Battle. But did you see the look on that stupid jock guard’s face when I gave him my Reason You Suck Speech?” “Yeah, he probably totally went home and cried. Anyway, it’s not like we broke that much. It was just a cardboard cutout.” The shorter kid said as he shoved the door open and stormed out. A moment later a girl-no, that was a guy came in and sat across from a miserable looking girl crying next to a blue wig she had tossed into the extra chair. Half glancing at the girl as he opened a compact the boy asked, “What’s wrong with you?” A spot darkened on the paper holding the girl’s dinner, “F-frank. He hates yaoi. I-I yelled at him when he said it wasn’t moral. And then he had me escorted out of the convention center.” she whispered between sobs. “See, baby? I told you, you won’t find anyone else that loves you like I do. Now why don’t we head back towards the bus?” the guy’s overdone makeup cracked slightly as he smiled at the mousy girl wiping her glasses off. By the looks of the pock marks on his cheeks Jerry wondered if he had started using the stuff to cover up a bad case of acne, “Oh and check it out. That girl I was talking to lives near the college. I asked her if she’d wanted to come over next Saturday so we could shoot your costumes together and maybe share a bottle of sake after.” The girl got up and started to leave, “I don’t know if I’d be comfortable with that.” Jerry hoped he didn’t visibly shudder as the flamboyant man winked at him before following her, “Well, that’s what the sake is for.” As he escorted his girlfriend out the two Germans got up and quietly made their exit, leaving the shop empty. Jerry took his phone out of his pocket and hit 2 on the speed dial. “Hey, Jerry.” a female voice answered. “Hey, Amy. I was just calling to say I was sorry. If you want, we can donate all those old Star Wars toys to charity tomorrow.” “Well, that’s cool. Any reason why you changed your mind?” Jerry sighed as he thought about the type of people he’d been serving all day, “Let’s just say I got a good hard look at what happens when you focus on childish things for too long.”
Amy laughed on the other end of the line. Not a forced giggle or a shouted Japanese word. Jerry never thought an honest laugh would be so refreshing, “You mind bringing home something for dinner?” she asked. Jerry smiled, “Actually why don’t we blow some of this overtime pay? I think I owe you a night out. Wherever you want.” Amy sounded flustered at the other end, “Um, wow. Okay. How about dinner at The Sledgehammer and could we maybe go dancing?” Jerry chuckled, “Sounds wonderful. Lay out my clothes and I’ll see you at 8. I love you.” “I love you too.” Jerry pocketed his phone and went back to work with a smile on his face. Every once in a while he would see a pair of foam angel wings or a technicolor wig pass by the front windows. And all he could do was shake his head and laugh. My favourite of these entries Groghammer The congoers, dazed from lack of sleep and coated in filth and Cheeto dust, piled onto the bus. Little did they know the fates that would await them. Gracie became a minor celebrity in fandom circles once the video from the interview was posted online. Years later, she was still clinging onto this fame, joining Internet forums and bragging about how her comebacks defeated that jerk all that time ago. When she wasn’t defending herself, she continued to work at digging herself out of the tankobon volumes she had hoarded, blocking the path out from her apartment. Liese and Nina went back to Germany and never changed, due to the fact that they were anime stereotypes. Fifty years later, rumors circulated around the country about the two women, immortal and unaging, one who was very shy and one who kept slapping people for some reason. Alistair reconciled with his dad but unfortunately the fact that he got mad about literally everything caused him to die from high blood pressure at age 25. Randy was kicked out of Mills within the year due to being a creep. After going through therapy and support for sexual addiction, he toured college campuses around the country to talk about his journey to recovery. At one of these talks, years later, he saw someone in the back wearing cat ears and a Naruto headband and all his Mills days flew back into his mind. He began to cry, in front of the whole audience. They looked where he was looking and they understood. Silently, they
understood. Missy peeled out of the story on her motorcycle, never to be seen again. As the bus drove out of the parking lot, Renee announced, “I hope you guys had fun out there. And remember, anime is the tie that binds us. No matter who our friends are, or who our family is, we’ll always have a medium that we will enjoy and that will never judge us.” All 100 people looked at Gracie in a mixture of annoyance and horror. A lone weeaboo from the back of the bus shouted “Amen!” before going back to his dating sim on his DS. Embarrassed, Renee sat back down in her seat.
Gracie ran down the long empty corridor of the convention centre, her signature histrionic tears leaping from her eyes as though embarrassed to be seen with her. As she approached the exit, an epiphany hit her. She slowed her run and her sobs gave way to laughter. Big deep guffaws, in her natural rather low pitch. She suddenly saw the humour in her situation - she was a girl who liked boys who like boys who resembled girls. For goodness sake! A yaoi voice actor preferring women was…. not upsetting, but funny. The shock of the yaoi fangirls was hilarious. Her broad shoulders shook with fits of laughter. She knew that some time soon she would have to start putting right the emotional carnage and offence she’d caused to her friends, especially Mike and Missy, but right now the feeling of release was glorious. Like a tightly wound spring of moe, unreasonable expectations and hypocrisy suddenly being released - a epiphanistic jack-in-the-box. Fiction was fiction and people were people. And she was free to enjoy both just as they were, without wanting reality to be fiction. She was still chortling as Mike, Randy, Liese and Nina walked up to the doors, ready to board the bus back to the college. “Wow, Gracie. Dick was that good, huh?”, said Mike. “Oh, no, it’s… hee heee heee… I can’t…. ahee heehee…. I’ll tell you on the way”, wheezed Gracie. As the darkened countryside slipped by the bus, Gracie knew that anime would always have a special place in her life, but better - now it was an enjoyable pastime and not a substitute for reality, which was beautiful and funny and rich all in itself.
the moast poast on the west coast
Frank clicked the TV on and slumped into the stained hotel chair. Of all the times to run out of Effexor and Abilify. And with his piss-poor insurance, there was no way he’d get them refilled before Tuesday. At the earliest.
Rubbing his aching head, he tried desperately to forget about the day. Dr. Evans had said that there might be days like this, days when the bizarre waking dreams would come to him, leaving him an emotional wreck. He knew the truth, knew that there had never been lesbian love affairs or gay hookups. But he had to reassure himself. He had to be sure. Slowly, ponderously, he staggered to the bathroom. Here he would know the truth. Flipping on the lights, he lifted his shirt. Yes! Yes, there it was. The once-powerful linebacker’s body, now soft and white, the old GO COUGARS tattoo fading into a lump of greenblue ink. He should probably have that fixed one of these days, maybe have it done over as a football or something. No scars, no marks, just a couple of freckles and some coarse brown hair curling across his chest. Why? Why did that hideous nightmare keep returning? He wandered back to the bedroom, pulling the complimentary con shirt down. The little mascot grinned--no, leered-- at him. Just like those damned girls at the panel. Hold your nose and do it for some money, Pam had said. Do you know how much Mark Hamill makes doing voice acting? When things pick up you can drop it. It’ll be OK. Well, Mark Hamill was Joker, not some damned boy in an endless anime about buttsex. Mark Hamill didn’t have to fly coach to wherever the hell this was, never had to pretend to like shit that made him sick to think about. What the hell was wrong with these people? Those girls. Those goddamned girls, goading him into screaming and freaking out. He’d told them, Pam and Dr Evans and the new parson at the church. Someday, someday I’m going to break. I can only take so much of this crazy shit. And they all smiled, and nodded, and reassured him that everything would be OK. Well, it wasn’t OK. Not anymore. It was too late to reach Pam or Dr Evans now, but he could reach the airline. No more of this shit. He’d go back to Des Moines and do community theatre. Anything, anything at all to get away from this insanity. He flipped open his phone and called for a cab.
Nice final chapters! You all deserve a prize.
The prize is sadness.
TVTropes Entry on Mills College Anime Club
Literature: Mills College Anime Club
“I hope you guys had fun out there. And remember, anime is the tie that binds us. No matter who our friends are, or who our family is, we’ll always have a medium that we will enjoy and that will never judge us.” — Renee Vega, without a hint of sarcasm.
Mills College Anime Club is a Web Original novel written for National Novel Writing Month 2009 by Sir Psycho Sexy. It tells the story of several members of the anime club at Mills College, a fictional college in Millstown, USA. It’s basically Cast Full of Gaymeets Occidental Otaku, with some Rule of Funny thrown in for good measure. Characters include: Rodrigo ”Randy” Alvarez, a bisexual Latino Hentai fanboy who is fairly Book Dumb and is a Jerk with a Heart of Gold. Renee Vega, an Expy of Orihime Inoue who is sweeter than sugar, a pre-law student and a Catholic. Alistair Howard, a snarky female-to-male Transsexual who has a huge ego, worships Char Aznable, and thinks that any anime made past 1995 is crap even though he changes his mind later. Mike Bronson, a 6-foot-4, muscular Straight Gay who is a pre-med major, studying to be a gynecologist in part to please his lesbian mothers. He is usually a Nice Guy / Gentle Giant and the voice of reason, especially to his Unlucky Childhood Friend Gracie. He loves Shounen and Bara Genre. Gracie Wong, Mike’s Fag Hag and rabid Yaoi Fangirl. A Gonk with Nerd Glasses who lives too much inside of her own head and is oblivious to reality. Her glasses come off later on. Lance La Rue, a Camp Straight Kavorka Man/ Casanova Hentai fanboy who has a way of charming his way into the pants of many a Yaoi Fangirl. Melissa ‘Missy’ Kowalski, a lesbian male-to-female Transsexual who just came back from studying abroad in Japan. Is fluent in Japanese, has seen pretty much every anime without subtitles, and rides a motorcycle. Gracie dates her for a short time, refusing to believe that she’s a transwoman and not a Bishounen. They break up when Gracie finally gets it. Nina Steinbrenner, one of the German students studying at Mills for her master’s degree (in English). Nina is pretty muchthe epitome of Tsundere, has a fairly flat chest and Hazel Eyes, and hates it when Americans stereotype Germans. Secretly likes Magical Girl shows. Is also an outspoken fan of Rammstein and other Neue Deutsche Härte bands. She and Liese areHeterosexual Life Partners ever since she saved Liese from bullies back in “high school” (more like Gymnasium, but still).
Liese Meyer, the other student from Germany, doing graduate study at Mills (in comparative literature). A cute, short, blondLipstick Lesbian with big breasts, her personality ranges between Shrinking Violet and The Ojou, with an occasional stop atYamato Nadeshiko. She speaks five languages, even though her English is a bit off. Is extremely attractive to men (thus earning her nickname of “Moeblob“), even though it pains her that the girls don’t want her. Liese is a Yuri Fangirl and a bit of a Covert Pervert. She’s been in love with Nina since the day they met, even though she realizes Nina is straight and thinks that she’s dating Randy for a while.
Tropes in this Novel include: All Love Is Unrequited a variant- mostly unrequited, but the love that is requited turns out to be dysfunctional, and leads to the couple breaking up. Animesque: Sort of. Anything That Moves Deconstructed: Randy is still a virgin because women think he’s a pervert, and also because (gay) men usually dump him the instant they find out he’s bisexual. o Randy also ends up subverting A Man Is Not a Virgin. Author Appeal: AND HOW. Pretty much the whole reason this novel exists: Cast Full of Gay, anime and manga fandom, Germans and linguistics. It’s safe to say that unless you’re a troper, you will not enjoy this novel. Hell, even if you are. Cast Full of Gay: It’s like the BK Kids, but with different sexual orientations. Cosplay Otaku Girl: As well as some Cosplay Otaku Guys. The most notable instance of this (besides Genki Con) is when Nina and Liese dress up as Yoko and Nia in order to attract customers to buy fund-raising chocolate. o Each character’s Cosplay somehow lampshades their respective character traits. Fan Convention: GenkiCon. No, it’s not a murderfest hosted by a psychotic man in a cat suit, despite how cool that premise would be. Genre Savvy Pretty much everyone...except for Gracie. She’s more straddling the line between Wrong Genre Savvy and Genre Blind. Germanic Depressives: Played with with Nina (she does laugh, but she’s usually pretty stern); and subverted with Liese (she’s as cute, sweet and happy as they come). o The subversion is even lampshaded (various characters note that Liese is German and a lesbian, though she acts like neither one). Otaku, Occidental Otaku: Everyone. Real Life Writes the Plot: Some of the situations in the novel are somewhat modified versions of things that have actually happened to the author at anime conventions and elsewhere in anime fandom. Rule of Funny
Show Within a Show: The Shounen Magical Girl Tournament Arc program, Gravy Fighter Haruhi, and the Boys’ Love Genreseries, Stop It, My Butt Hurts!!. Shout Out: TONS, including several to the creator’s favorite anime, Yu Yu Hakusho; Monty Python; Little Britain (Alistair’s birth name), and a whole lot more. o Whole Plot Reference / Homage Randy’s dream is one to the first few episodes of Yu Yu Hakusho. Straw Character: Gracie, hands down. Straw Traitor: Many people have joined the anime club because they were kicked out of their race/religion/sexual orientation group for appearing to be one of these to the other race/religion/sexual orientation group members. Translation Convention: For the most part, except when the English-speaking characters are confused by foreign words. Viewers Are Geniuses, Genius Bonus: You will find certain scenes funnier if you speak German or Japanese. Heck, most of the novel is an anime fandom in-joke.
Write What You Know
That page says there’s jokes in Mills College Anime Club The writer of that page is a filthy LIAR
guys I’m high
Ugly In The Morning
I didn’t know it had an entry til just now. That didn’t really phase me, but when I saw it was filed under “Literature”, I... I just hated. Not anything or anyone in particular. I just hated.
The true face of horror
FUCK THIS STORY. FUCK TROPERS.
One Last Word on Writing and How Not To Write Like a Troper
Two ideas this week, fuck you. Two ideas. I just came up with two ideas this second. I’ll list them for you: 1) You awake amidst shipwreck debris on volcanic island festooned with the ruins of a chthonic civilization. You stand on shaky legs. Fishfaced cultists rise up from the surf of the sea, barnacle encrusted sacrificial daggers unsheathed and their tarnished edges thirsting for blood. You try to run but the cultists are fast. Supernaturally fast. One backhands you with a scaly claw, leaving festering lacerations that burn with disease. You reel back, its hand is on your chest, its other hand clutching the dagger raised above your heart. It looks at you with cold dead eyes too large and too far apart. “You’re a bad writer,” it says. 2) The sheriff heaves the bulk of his body out of his police cruiser, its suspension rising noticeably as he exits it. His expression is unreadable, lips tight and eyes hidden behind mirrored sunglasses that reflect the distant dusty desert horizon, the circling buzzards, the brilliant pinprick blaze of the sun, the wreck of your car, the blood and urine pooling around your ass as you sit heaving for breath through bullet-perforated lungs. He has your money now. He has your drugs. Most importantly he has the revolver, still smoking from its discharge but jumping eagerly in his hands to shoot again. He points the gun at you. “Ideas mean nothing without the will to turn them into a creative work,” he says.
Go easy man, I think you underestimate the pure gold that a week of thought can shove inside two ideas, like a chicken into a literary turkey.
Final Thoughts on the Dynamics between Something Awful and TVTropes
Anime Blood 1-213 213
“Textual diarrhoea.” Diablocon “An all-consuming vortex of bullshit.” Lady of the Beech “How can a person be this boring.” Deadly Chlorine “Why does this dickhole write all this bullshit?” The Triumphant’s girlfriend “Personally, I would’ve gone with something comparing MCAC with teflon for the eyes.” Calaveron “Anime is the tie that binds us together? If you are relying on a TV show to be your safe haven from the world you are pathetic.” Mors Rattus “I read the whole thing today. And now I want to die.” Hallo Spacedog “I love MCAC, it’s got a special place in my heart for being the only troper-written work to not be sci-fi or fantasy, and yet it’s still so troper-ish.” WeaponGradeSadness “Very funny and quite believable. It’s scaring my as to what the Manga Club I attend is going to be like when I go tomorrow. Good luck with your nano.” Blaze Moonlight
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