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We are wonderful, terrible bastards.
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Table of Contents
it was the best of times; it was the worst of times. Fast eddie stood at the door. No one was cumming. He lacked the understanding of why; in his mind, all he could see was the invitations that he had sent. Unbeknownst to him, however, the invitations were lost in time. As he turned to go inside, a thundrous crash struck his attention; several dinosaurs had decided to accept the invitations. Fast Eddie had a much better party than if tropers had shown up. dinosaur parties are the best parties. And then the dinosaurs ate him. Now that Fast Eddie was comfortable, the megalosaurus from Dinosaurs slowly moved towards his raised ass. It would be difficult to mount Eddie without crushing him under his belly, but not impossible. Earl Sinclair assured himself that it wasn't gay if he was the pitcher. Think of it as a vagina, he told himself. A vagina that poops. Earl's erection started to die. He cursed himself. Damn it, Earl! Okay, forget about the poop. Pretend it's rainbows. A vagina that shi- that shoots rainbows. ... His erection returned. Much better. "I-it's not like I like you or anything Earl," Eddie protested in a tsundere way.
Earl smacked Fast Eddie's ass, and Fast Eddie became HARD EDDIE. Fighteer: “Fast Eddie!” screams Fighteer. “I have read a Something Awful list that has me involved. Oh, I have the greatest raging boner right now!” Fast Eddie smiles, and goes down on Fighteer. Fighteer sighs with pleasure as Fast Eddie‟s man boobs brutally pimp slap his face back and forth like a pair of pendulums in a grandfather clock. “Take me, Fast Eddie! TAKE ME NOW!” Fast Eddie grunts and pushes.
Madrugada is at a corner, with a video camera, her face full of excitement (why do I keep reading this as excrement?!). Perhaps, she thinks, she should join in.
***six months later***
fast eddie smiled as the ultrasound appeared on the doctor's screen. "oh my god it's a pony!" he squealed. "HAVE YOU BEN CHEATIN ON ME WITH RAINBOW DASH," fighteer yelled suddenly, throwing a vase across the room as he
yelled “YOU HAVE BEEN BANNED. REASON: NOT GIVEN. DATE BAN WILL BE LIFTED: NEVER.”2
“FIghteer, I need to tell you something,” said Eddie, panting, his throbbing member firmly in hand. “I had an affair. It‟s with... Tim Buckley. Also, he‟s a brony.” “Tim Buckley‟s pony name is Fist Hammed and his cutie mark is ham. He fucked me by smelling my hair.” “But... Eddie, you do not have hair.” “My pubic hair, if you know what I mean.” “YES, YES! JACKIE YES!” yelled Tim, the cum glistening on his chest and Edward let forth a great frothy joyous jet of love juices. suddenly, fighteer burst through the wall like the kool-aid man, his gigantic man-hands clasping his erect member like a wombat trying not to fall off a jungle gym. “OH YEAH!”
-isn‟t that the meme for getting banned on CAD?
they are functionally identical so it really doesnt make a difference It‟s my AU fic where Buckley and Eddie are brothers.
Also Mookie is somewhere here but nobody likes him so he might as well be invisible. He trips over the people who are fucking, hit his head at the corner of the bed, and dies a slow death., but not before consuming his stupid facial hair. Mookie was the one who wrote rape-fic after the fact. That‟s his place in the story. Then he drew both of them as flounder people with cleft lip. And then more rape. Also sexism. He was a zombie when he wrote this.3 “INSERT ROD A INTO SLOT B. PREPARE FOR DOCKING,” intoned Debot. After a HARD day pushing carts, this was exactly what he needed. “I HAVE PENETRATED YOU AND IT IS PLEASURABLE, HUMAN UNIT. COMMENCE EJACULATION. BEEP BOOP REMOVE YOUR PANTS. MINE HAVE ALREADY FALLEN. BELT USE DOES NOT COMPUTE.” Rottweiler gets turned on, as he hates pants. He creams his own while yelling Deboss‟s name. Deboss opens the stall door, watches,
Well, this has provided several mental images I did want.
and computes the precise value of his pleasure.4
rottweiller smiled and tried to imagine fast eddie slathered in mustard. “I shall marinate his flesh... in mountain dew and slurpee.” The door creaked open slowly and a familiar figure put his head through the crack. “Hey guys,” he said. “I brought diapers!” “Chagen you rascal! CUM in!” The night has only just begun.
GUYS STOP WRITING THIS IT‟S EVIL THE TELOS OF EROS IS REPRODUCTION there is nothing eros about this there‟s a lot of stuff that‟s telos about it though the telos of tvtropes is... regret the telos of fast eddie is mistakes
*** three more months later ***
fast eddie patted his swollen belly and felt for the kick. it came, and with it a mighty roar as the half-dinosaur within his mpreg form broke yet another rule of biology. "How the fuck does that work?" Chagen asked, as his throbbing erection desecrated yet another piece of children's underwear. “i have no idea,” fast eddie replied, stuffing yet another taco into his mouth and wiping the crumbs off on the makeshift underwear he had constructed out of lampshades and papier-mâché. suddenly, his face contorted into an expression of horror. and not like, oh-my-god-is-there-really-a-page-on-tvtropes-for-the-gurorape-comic-that-guy-who-did-chugworth-academy-draws horror, more like oh-man-my-body-just-did-something-biologicallyimpossible-that-might-turn-out-to-be-quite-painful horror. his water broke is what I‟m saying “oh shit!” fast eddie cried, taco crumbs bursting out of his mouth. “i think my water just broke!”
“WHAT TROPE DATA MUST THIS UNIT ASSIMILATE?” deboss asked as he gently spun in the man-sized oven rottweiler had constructed specifically to cook and eat tropers. “I DO NOT COMPREHEND THE PROPER MEANING OF WATER BREAKING IF IT CANNOT BE INPUTTED USING ANIME SYNTAX.” fast eddie had no idea what the fuck deboss was even doing in that oven, like seriously who gets in an oven and lets someone cook and eat them? is that even in character for deboss? oh who the fuck cares, anyway they all went to the hospital or whatever “GET OUT OF THE WAY” fighteer yelled as they drove towards the hospital, “DINOSAUR PREGNANT MAN INCOMING” they plowed through the hospital walls like a boss because fighteer totally read a trope page that said it was awesome. his mother‟s van slid to a halt in the maternity ward in a shower of debris and lolicon manga. “what the fuck,” fast eddie cried, “this is the maternity ward. you dumb shit, i need a PATERNITY WARD” “the paternity ward is a fictional thing,” chagen said as he gently
pressed another diaper to his face, “it doesn‟t exist.” “well fine whatever,” fast eddie huffed, “i‟ll put on a dinosaur dress and do it in here!” they called for the dinosaur doctor, and I guess that is totally a real thing because a dinosaur doctor totally showed up. “i‟m pregnant,” fast eddie said, his voice as certain as this writing is solid. “oh shit,” the dinosaur doctor yelled, “how the fuck does that work?” “that‟s what I‟ve been saying!” chagen replied. The dinosaur ate him because fuck that guy. “anyway I totally need to operate,” the dinosaur doctor said, as he vomited chagen‟s remains onto fast eddie‟s head. i guess some troper somewhere totally finds that sexy. “that sounds great,” fast eddie said, “because the alternative would be pooping the baby and that sounds painful. that‟s how babies work right?” “we‟ll just need to hold for ten minutes,” the dinosaur doctor said,
“there are goons in the operating room and--” fast eddie‟s eyes widened like big bird‟s cloaca two hours after imbibing an incredible amount of laxative. he took a deep breath.
OOOOOO OOOOOO OOOOOO
OOOOOO OOOONS! ”
fast eddie unfurled his wings and flew through the ceiling in a rage. this is not actually the direction the operating room was in, but fast eddie was so mad he gave ZERO SHITS. instead he totally dropped through the ceiling onto the goons like a boss, hold on I bet there‟s
a trope entry for this http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DynamicEntry there we go anyway fast eddie totally lands on top of a goon with a mighty roar, the roar of kings, the king of kings who has discovered his wife is cheating on him with a silverback gorilla, and launches into his badass speech he totally prepared in advance in case he met goons. “IN THE NAME OF MY NAKAMA,” fast eddie cried, “you will MEET YOUR DEFEAT AS I KILL YOU TO DEATH because I AM FAST EDDIE AND I DO IT FAST AND I DO IT HARD” Then Fast Eddie dressed up like Walter Sobchak because Walter is really good at being aggressive and shit. The goon stared. :stare:d. “I will defeat you you horrible goon, you did not follow the rules,” said Fast Eddie. The goon :gonk:ed. “That‟s like your opinion, man.” Because Fast Eddie could do anything what do you know, the kid from Up! had a heart attack and died. Fuck that kid. Fast Eddie burned him on the spot then pour his ashes all over the goon. Then
he crushed every single goon with his engorged hate-boner. Fast Eddie has become the Complete Monster (Hitler is not a Complete Monster, please do your research.) fast eddie wanted to lick the blood off his hands dramatically and say a snarky one-liner but he did not actually get any blood on his hands. instead he got on his hands and knees and dragged his tongue across the floor, because god damn it some dramatic blood is going to be FUKKEN LICKED ALRIGHT “well we‟re ready to operate I guess,” the dinosaur doctor said, “I mean this is hardly an appropriately sterile environment but who gives a shit right” “right,” fast eddie said, “so get this fucking baby out of me already” Deboss wheels a trusty cart full of surgical impliments up to the dinosaur. he grunts derisively, because dinosaurs are old. why couldnt it be an animorph. “the telos of dinosaur mpreg is,” rottweiler said, before trailing off. “Fuck, I have as little idea as the author, what is a telos anyway?” “it‟s an end or purpose,” fast eddie said as he parted his legs and lay
down on the operating table. “the root of the term teleology, you stupid shit” Rottweiler huffs as his steed stomps contemptuously. “well whatever,” he said, spanking another young girl with low selfesteem. “this fine young ladies telos or „end‟ is going to be roasted when i get through with it” deboss bumps the pony with the cart. WE WILL ALL BURN FOR THIS, but not as much as fast eddie for being gay with dinosaurs and subverting gods will. sauren babbys slowly crawl from his birthing hole. eddie leans back and lights up. yase. thats the stuff. rott quietly nods in approval. as he rides up on his meaty pony bride. reproduction. more to grow up into delicious fattened adulthood. “it‟s... a dinosaur pony,” the dinosaur doctor announced. “WHAT THE FUCK,” fighteer burst through the wall like an angry giraffe with no direction sense and far too much viagra, “HAVE YOU BEEN CHEATING ON ME AGAIN? FUK!” “I CAN SMELL THE TELOS OF YOUR EROS” yelled Rottweiler as he threw semen into Jodie Foster‟s eyes.
“I AM IN GOOD COMPANY,” said Eddie, in the throes of his latest violent orgy already. chargen appeared from the aether and eyed the newborn hungrily. Can you use a baby as a contraceptive? WE WILL FIND OUT.
“and what do you call this act” asked the talent agency director. “THE TVTROPES!”
One day a lot of men died but they kissed each other before they did and ran slender fingers through their blonde hair and chastely fucked with their penii of light the end. And then some dude raped some other, smaller dude.
“That was depressing. It needed more LESBIAN SEX. Also GIRLS WITH PENISES, BECAUSE THEY ARE VITAL TO EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT WITHIN A STRONG NARRATIVE. “
“This story ejaculated into my eyes and brain. And I loved it and then ejaculated into my diaper after shitting myself.”
“THe first man to get off to Hiernomous Bosch paintings and then eat them those sluts. You cant tame the beast. The beast of feast. “
“Is this what hell looks like? Or do demons look at things like this and just go, “What the fuck is wrong with those people?” “
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