The Super Bowl Booklet of Rules, Tips and FAQs for Proper Viewing Procedure to Ensure Harmonious Enjoyment

of The Game

-Written by Pete Goodman (@dat_piffer) with helpful suggestions and editing by Amanda McCarthy (@AmandaJMcCarthy).

Rule 1: You MUST root for the Patriots at all times. Rule 1.1: No exceptions. Rule 1.2: Do not talk positively about the Giants. Rule 1.3: Do not feel bad for the Giants at any time, no mercy. Rule 2: When in doubt, err on the side of silence. Rule 3: Only talk about football is allowed during regulation; this includes commercials. Rule 3.1: Try to keep football talk relevant to the game; I don’t give a shit who the Jaguars are going to draft this year. Rule 4: If Eli Manning gets hurt, cheering is not necessarily discouraged. Rule 4.1: This goes for Osi, Tuck, Pierre Paul and Brandon Jacobs as well. Rule 5: If you don’t know, don’t ask. Rule 5.1: If you are confused by the game, utilize the iPad to answer your question. Rule 5.2: You break it, you buy it. Rule 6: Do not shush us during "new commercials." Rule 7: Talk about how handsome Tom Brady is all you want. Rule 7.1: No mention is to be made of it being "gay" that #12 aka TFB wears Uggs. It’s irrelevant. Rule 8: Don’t try to be encouraging. Let us be miserable if needed. Rule 9: If the Patriots are losing, do not talk. Rule 9.1: Not talking is generally safe. Rule 10: Talking at halftime is allowed, but not encouraged. Rule 10.1: No mention of the Oscars will be tolerated. Rule 11: No thieving of seats will be tolerated; assigned seats may be enforced. Rule 12: We reserve the right to boot anyone we think may be prone to jinxes (See Tip 1). Rule 13: Bill Belichick is right, and you know less then him. Rule 13.1: Tom Coughlin’s face is fucked up. Rule 14: All references to Adam Vinatieri must be positive. Rule 14.1: This goes for Teddy Bruschi, Ty Law, Mike Vrable, Drew Bledsoe, Rodney Harrison, Willie McGinest, Jermaine Wiggins, and Troy Brown. Rule 15: Under no circumstances are you to say: “I wish we still had Randy Moss.” Rule 15.1: This goes for Albert Haynesworth as well (goes without saying). Rule 15.2: Don’t say “throw it to Ochocinco” either. Rule 16: Alcohol consumption is encouraged in moderation during the game, and in excess after the game… regardless of the outcome. Rule 17: If you are bored, there are two other televisions. Go watch Khloe and Lamar, no one will judge you. Rule 17.1: That is, unless you come back and ask, “What just happened?” Rule 18: Try to forget the appalling, sub-human things we say during the game about the opposing players; generally we don’t mean it. Rule 18.1: On second thought, also disregard negative things said to/about other people in the viewing area.

Rule 19: Avoid usage of Rex Ryan’s name. Rule 19.1: Tim Tebow is also completely irrelevant. Shut up already, Denver. Rule 20: That Doritos commercial sucked, shut up. Rule 21: Blue, navy blue, white and red are the only acceptable clothing colors. Rule 21.1: When in doubt, wear Patriots gear. Rule 22: Don’t make a scene. We are deeply apologetic if something negative happens to you during the game (boyfriend cheats on you, apartment catches fire, they cancel “The Bachelor” mid-season). However February 5th is about the Patriots, not you. Walk it off champ. Rule 23: This list of rules is only partially tongue-in-cheek. When in doubt, err on the side of caution. Rule 24: Don’t ever ask: “who is that” about a player on the Patriots. When in doubt, quietly ask for the iPad and Google his jersey number. Rule 24.1: It is acceptable not to know players on the Giants. Rule 24.2: Also allowed is asking where players went to college. Rule 25: Minor excitement is allowed when celebrities are spotted. Two seconds of conversation is allowed per celebrity. Rule 26: When rioting (Vancouver or Boston style), do it outside the confines of the apartment. Rule 26.1: Rent-paying members of the apartment are exempt from this rule. Rule 27: No bedazzled, pink, or Victoria’s Secret Patriots items are allowed. This excludes lingerie. Rule 27.1: Loose fitting, standard issue Tom Brady jerseys count as lingerie. Rule 28: Shut the fuck up about your prop bets. Rule 28.1: Shut the fuck up about your bet on the spread. Rule 29: Felger is the man. Rule 29.1: Mazz is also pretty good. Rule 30: Don’t you dare change the fucking channel. Rule 30.1: Yes, I know the Puppy Bowl is on. We’re not changing the fucking channel. Rule 30.2: That’s not a real puppy, that’s too small to be a real puppy. Rule 31: 100% of women would rather sleep with Tom Brady then Eli Manning; Ashley Madison’s survey is about some bullshit. Rule 31.1: 50% of straight men outside of New England would sleep with Tom Brady. Rule 32: Don’t ask, “When is it going to be over?” Rule 33: If you dislike my sound level, go watch at a fucking library. Rule 34: Saying the name “David Tyree” warrants a well baby-powdered backhand slap to the face. Rule 35: Keep your cell phone in your pocket; text like you’re cheating on the SATs. Rule 36: "At least they got there" is not a proper response to a Super Bowl loss. Rule 37: No mention of the Voldemort Super Bowl will be permitted. Rule 38: It is okay for a grown ass man to be sexually confused by Tom Brady. Rule 39: No you can’t invite your sister. Rule 39.1: Wait is she’s single? Oh... doesn’t matter, still no. Rule 40: You must relinquish your seat to Jack Edwards if request it.

Tip 1: We abide by all STRICT superstitions; no potential jinxes will be tolerated (see Rule 12). Tip 2: Offering of alcoholic beverages to those with empty cups is strongly encouraged. Tip 3: A little cooking never hurt no one. Tip 4: Try to stay positive throughout the game; however if someone starts to lose faith, don’t try to cheer them up. Tip 5: Using the word “cute” when referring to Wes Welker, Danny Woodhead, or Julian Edelman will not be tolerated. Tip 5.1: Using the word “cute” when referring to the paper-thin comparisons between Eli Manning and Aaron Rodgers/Peyton Manning/Tom Brady/Drew Brees is encouraged (See interception total of 2010 season). Tip 6: The gear the players wear with the numbers and team name are called “jerseys” or “uniforms,” not “outfits” or “costumes.” Tip 7: Making fun of Michael Strahan’s gap tooth is encouraged. Tip 8: You’re right; Tom Coughlin’s face is fucked up. Tip 9: Avoid the words “Puppy Bowl.” Tip 10: No, I don’t want to hear that new song you you’ve been playing recently. Tip 11: Stay within your football knowledge base, it’s obvious when you try to talk about what you do not know. Tip 12: Really? You just “Iced” me? Leave my apartment. Tip 12.1: New England beers are encouraged. Tip 13: Did you seriously just mention La Liga right now? Tip 14: Superstitious drinking can be assigned if you like. For example, shot gunning and drop kicking a New York based beer off the porch. Tip 15: Put your computer (or phone) away unless you’d like it to be Gronk’d.

Q: My friend or family member is a big Giants fan, can I call or text him/her about the game? A: No, not until you have left the premises, or the game has been completed and the Patriots have won. Q: I am a personal friend with a Giants player (current or historic), can I tell a cute story about their history? A: Generally not, you may however tell a story that is potentially detrimental to their ego. Example: Justin Tuck once smoked weed with me and had a such a bad panic attack he started crying. Q: I think Tom Brady is totally sexy, how should I react to that urge? A: I know exactly where you are coming from, this is a perfectly standard reaction to the man’s beauty. I suggest you post pictures of him on your wall or on top of your three ring binders. Q: At what point is it safe for me to talk about non-football topics? A: Enjoy free flowing conversation up to 15 minutes before the game; five minutes after halftime begins until five minutes before the second half starts; after a victory in regulation. Q: His name sounds funny… A: Sorry, I had to interrupt you before you finished; the answer is no. Q: What happens if I have a question about the general rules of football? A: Keep quiet, request the iPad, research via Google. Q: What does MHK stand for? A: Victory, revenge, loyalty. Q: Why does that guy have a cut off hoodie on? A: Because Bill Belichick is an innovator. No more questions. Go Pats.

Sign up to vote on this title
UsefulNot useful