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Fugue for Tinhorns
I got the horse right here The name is Paul Revere And here’s a guy that says if the weather’s clear Can do, can do, this guy says the horse can do If he says the horse can do, can do, can do (Benny sings ‘I’m picking Valentine)
(Rusty & Charlie sings ‘But look at…’)
For Paul Revere I’ll bite I hear his foot’s all right Of course it all depends if it rained last night Likes mud, likes mud, this x means the horse likes mud If that means the horse likes mud, likes mud, likes mud I tell you Paul Revere Now this is no bum steer It’s from a handicapper that’s real sincere Can do, can do, this guy says the horse can do If he says the horse can do – can do – can do Paul Revere. I got the horse right here.
I’m pickin’ Valentine ‘Cause on the morning line The guy has got him figured at five to nine
(Rusty sings ‘But look at…’) (Nicely sings, ‘For Paul Revere…’)
I know it’s Valentine, the morning works look fine Besides the jockey’s brother’s a friend of mine Needs race, needs race, this guy says the Horse needs race If he says the horse needs race – needs race, needs race I go for valentine, ‘cause on the morning line The guy has got him figured at nine to five Has chance, has chance, this guy says the horse has Chance, Valentine! I got the horse right here.
Rusty & Charlie
But look at epitaph. He wins it by a half According to this here in the Telegraph
(Nicely sings ‘For Paul Revere…’) (Benny sings, ‘I know it’s..)
And just a minute, boys I’ve got the feed box noise It says the Great-Grandfather was equipoise Show class, shows class, this guy says the horse shows class If he says the horse shows class, shows class, shows class So make it Epitaph, he wins it by a half According to this here in the telegraph Epitaph, I got the horse right here! Enter Sarah and the Mission Band 1
Follow the Fold
Follow the fold and stray no more Stray no more, stray no more Put down the bottle and we’ll say no more Follow, follow the fold.
Before you take another swallow
Sarah and Band
Follow the fold and stray no more Stray no more, stray no more If you’re a sinner and you pray no more Follow, follow the fold
Brothers and sisters, resist the Devil and he will flee from you. That is what the Bible tells us. Here me, you gamblers! … with your dice, your cards, your horses. Just around the Corner is our little Mission where you are always welcome to Seek refuge from this jungle of sin. Join me, Brothers and Sisters, in resisting the Devil, and we can Put…. The Devil… Remember, friends, the Save-A-Soul Mission is located at 409 West 49th Street, open all day and all night… Oh, never mind.
Exit of Sarah and the Mission Band
Nicely Benny Nicely Benny
Poor Miss Sarah! I wonder why a refined doll like her is mixed Up in the Mission dodge. Too bad that such a doll wastes all her time being good. How can she make any money from that? Maybe she owns a piece of the Mission Yeah
Harry the Horse enters
Harry Benny Harry Nicely
Hey! Benny Southstreet Harry the Horse! How are you? You know Nicely Nicely Johnson. Yeah. How goes it? Nicely, nicely, thank you
Harry Tell me, what about Nathan Detroit? Is he got a place for his crap game? Benny
He’s still looking for a place. 2
The heat is on
Harry Well, tell him I’m loaded and looking for action. I just acquired five thousand potatoes. Benny Nicely Harry Benny
Five thousand bucks! Where did you acquire it? I have nothing to hide I collected the reward on my father. Exits Everybody is looking for action. I wish Nathan finds a –
Why lieutenant Brannigan! Mr Southstreet, it is Lieutenant Brannigan of the New York Police Department. A pleasure.
Brannigan Either of you guys seen Nathan Detroit? Benny
Which Nathan Detroit is that?
Brannigan I mean the Nathan Detroit who’s been running a floating crapgame around here.
You can tell him for me: I know that right now he’s running around trying to find a spot… Nathan Enters
Hi, Nathan Fellas, I’m having terrible trouble. Everybody’s scared on account of that lousy Brannigan, and I can’t-
Brannigan Something wrong, Mr Detroit? Nathan
Oh, hello, Lieutenant. I hope you don’t think I was talking about you. There are other lousy Brannigans.
Brannigan Detroit, I imagine you are having trouble finding a place for your crap game. Nathan Nicely Nathan Benny
Well, the heat is on, as you must know from the fact that you now have to live on your salary. Brannigan Exits Did you find a place for the game? I was just over to the Biltmore Garage. Joey says he might take a chance and let me use the place, if I give them a thousand bucks. A thousand bucks! 3
We been engaged fourteen years. can’t you do something? What can I do? I’m broke.Nathan Benny Nathan In cash. Nathan Gotta have the game. or we’ll die from shame All It’s the oldest established permanent floating (crap game) in New York. and you know what day today is? It is mine and Adelaide’s fourteenth anniversary. But where can I have the game? The Biltmore Garage wants a grand But we ain’t got a grand on hand And they’ve now got a lock on the door of the gym at public school eighty-four. 4 . concentrate on the game. Where’s the action where’s the game – Nicely. I could make a fortune. The Greek’s in town! Brandy Bottle Bates! Scranton Slim! I know. Benny. The town’s up to here with high players. Nathan. I couldn’t even buy Adelaide a present today. There’s the stock room behind McCloskey’s bar But missus McCloskeys ain’t a good scout And things bein’ How they are The back of the police station is out So the Biltmore Garage is the spot Nicely All But the one-thousand bucks we ain’t got Crapshooters Why it’s good old reliable Nathan Nathan Nathan Nathan Detroit If you’re looking for action he’ll furnish the spot Even when the heat is on it’s never too hot Not for good old reliable Nathan for it’s always just a short walk To the oldest established permanent floating crap game in New York. Crap shooters enter The Oldest Established Benny Nicely Benny Nathan Nicely Benny Nathan Nicely Benny Nathan Nathan.
5 . It’s betting money. providing I can figure out a bet on which there is no chance of losing. He likes crazy bets… Ooh! Look – run into Mindy’s Restaurant and ask Mindy how many pieces of cheesecake he sold yesterday and also how many pieces of strudel. So why don’t I bet him? Why don’t I bet him a thousand on something? You would bet with Sky Masterson? I ain’t scared. If she hears I’m running the crap game she will never set foot on me again Benny Nicely Nathan Adelaide enters & the girls Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Hello. My boys will let you know where it is. do not worry. Not Sky. you know who else is looking for action? Sky Masterson! Angie exits Nathan Nicely Nathan Nicely Nathan Sky Masterson! There is the highest player of them all! Maybe you can borrow the thousand from Sky. Angie-the-ox Say.Crapshooters exit Nathan Gentleman. Nathan dear. With him that kind of money ain’t lending money. Nathan. Nathan Detroit’s crap game will float again. How much cheesecake? How much strudel – What do you want to know for? Just find out! Now beat it – here come Adelaide. Adelaide! Pigeon! You go ahead. girls. I am perfectly willing to take the risk. Order me a tuna fish on rye Prue On rye? Adelaide On rye? Prue Why on rye? Chrissie Laura Adelaide You on a diet? She’s always on a diet? And a chocolate sundae with tomato ketchup and mayonnaise.
“look. Girls Okay. so put this belt around your belly. Nathan darling. and so is jelly. That’s great! Nathan! What is this? 6 . see you later! Exit girls Adelaide Nathan Adelaide We gotta get back to the Hot Box You still rehearsing? Yeah. I says. A belt! Read the card! “Sugar is sweet. I’m starving! I gotta get outta here and get something to eat. Don’t worry. That slave driver Charlie – he’s been working us all day. No. honey – one of these days I’ll be in the money. Nathan Detroit!” So what did you say to him? I told him.” That’s so sweet. I’m sorry. Finally I says. I can do without anything just so long as you don’t start running the crap game again. More strudel than cheesecake. You just want to sneak out and meet that cheap bum. “I’ll meet whoever I want!” Nathan! Happy Anniversary! A present? For me? I hope you like it. It makes me feel like we’re married. I kinda like it when you forget to give me presents. I never said she was on a diet.” And he says. I didn’t get one. Adelaide. The crap game! What an absurd thought! Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan Benny and Nicely Enter Benny Nicely Nathan Adelaide Psst! Yesterday Mindy sold twelve hundred cheesecake and fifteen hundred strudel.Fiona Prue There you go she’s not on a diet. Charlie. Look. honey – about your present. and you’ll have more mink than a mink. “You don’t want eat.
I got a lot of things to… Tell me – you hungry? Maybe we could go into Mindy’s and have a piece of cheesecake or strudel or something? Sky No. Look. But son. But if everybody is like I am. I’m quite partial to Mindy’s cheesecake. “Son”. the old guy says. Nathan Sky Huh? Nathan For how much? I will bet you a thousand bucks that yesterday Mindy sold more strudel than cheesecake. Nathan But you will admit that Mindy has the greatest cheesecake in the country? Sky Yes. Want to come with me? Nathan No. Fellows… Adelaide. I just don’t want your sandwich to get soggy. Benny & Nicely Exit. Sky Masterson Enters Sky Nathan! You old promoter. the cheesecake or the strudel? Sky Well. Nathan Havana! Sky Yes. which do you think he sells more of. “…one of these days in your travels a guy is going to come to you with a brand new deck of cards and offer to bet you that he can make the Jack of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ear. are you trying to get rid of me? No. I never give it much thought. honey. let me tell you a little story… Nathan Have we got a bet? Sky When I was a young man about to go out in the world. and I know you’re hungry… Nathan. Adelaide. for as sure as you are standing there you are going to 7 . Nathan Who ain’t? And yet there are some people who like Mindy’s strudel. do not bet this man. my father says to me a very valuable thing. you! Nathan How are you. Offhand. I’d say Mindy sells much more cheesecake than strudel. Sky? Going to be in town long? Sky Flying to Havana tomorrow. Sky Nathan. I’m expecting a fellow. I think I’ll go get the late results.Nathan Adelaide Nathan Nothing. there’s lots of action down there.
all dolls are the same. figuring weight for age. I love Adelaide. That is husband talk if I every heard it. stray no more Put down the bottle and we’ll say no more Follow. I am not putting the rap on dolls. Yes. you are trapped. Nathan Not real high class dolls! Sky Any doll! You name her! Nathan Any doll? And I name her? Will you bet on that? Will you bet a thousand dollars that if I name a doll you will take her to Havana tomorrow? 8 . Sky Nathan. In Adelaide you have the kind of a girl that is most difficult to unload. and she says for you to be sure to pick her up after the show at the Hot Box and don’t be late. (looks at tie) Blue! What a crazy colour. Mission group singing off stage Mission Group Follow the fold and stray no more Stray no more. if you’re really looking for some action – I will bet you the same thousand that you do not know the colour of the necktie you have on. Nathan I don’t want to unload her. Nathan. I just say. Now. I do not claim that you have been clocking Mindy’s cheesecake… Nathan You don’t think that I would do such a thing/ Sky However. Nathan. Only Nathan Detroit could blow a bet on a blue necktie! Benny and Nicely enter Nicely Nathan We took Adelaide to the drugstore. I mean yes… Sky Yes.wind up with an ear full of cider. Nathan Sky Yeah! Nathan Oh. yeah? Then how come you ain’t got a doll? How come you’re going to Havana alone without one? Sky I like to travel light. Well? Nathan No bet. dear. dear. but if I wish to take a doll to Havana there is a large assortment available . follow the fold. And a guy without a doll – well… A doll is a necessity.
Sarah Here is another pamphlet that I think you should read. 9 . Sky Thank you… Of course I will need a lot of personal help from you.(In the Mission) Sky Do you take sinners here? Sarah Indeed we do! Didn’t I see you a little while ago on Broadway? Sky Possibly. stray no more Nathan Sky Her! I name her (points to Sarah) Nathan Sgt Sarah Brown Sky Daddy I got cider in my ear! Scene Two . Sky Thank you Sarah And we’re holding a midnight prayer meeting on Thursday. Sarah Here are two of our pamphlets. Why don’t we have dinner or something? Sarah I think not. They will give you a good deal of comfort. which I’m sure you will wish to attend. Sky I’m sure… Miss Sarah… Sarah How do you know my name? Sky Allow me to introduce myself: Sky Masterson I hope you will not think I am getting out of line. trying to get up the courage to come here. I have been wandering around. Tell me. Mr Masterson. Sarah I’ll be speaking at Thursday prayer meeting. why are you here? Sky I told you. I’m a sinner.Sky You got a bet! Sarah and Mission group enters Mission Group Follow the fold and stray no more Stray no more. Sky I need private lessons. but I think it is wonderful to see a pretty doll – uh – a nice-looking lady like you – sacrificing herself for the sake of others.
If you don’t think it’s good. I wonder what this guy will be like? Sarah He will not be a gambler. Sky I am not interested in what he will not be… I am interested in what he will be. lying’s a sin… Look. for dinner. Sky Well. Sarah Please go away. Sarah And what’s my end of the bargain? Sky Have dinner with me. Sarah Don’t worry…. Sarah I don’t bet. When is this big meeting of yours – Thursday? I will guarantee to fill that meeting with one dozen genuine sinners. I’m a big sinner. it’s eight to five the others’ll follow. Why don’t you let me help you? I’ll bet I can fill this place with sinners. in Havana. ask anybody in town. Sarah Why do you want to have dinner with me? Sky I’m hungry…. Sky I’ll make you a proposition. Sarah To get where? Sky El Café Cubana. Sarah Havana? Sky Where else do you want to eat? Howard Johnson’s? The plane gets us there in five hours and back the same night. I’ll pick you up at noon tomorrow. If you get me. I’ll know I’ll know when my love comes along I won’t take a chance 10 . IO-U one dozen sinners. And the food is great.Sarah You’re lying. Sky Somewhere in the world there must be a guy who might appeal to the sergeant. Here! Sarah What’s this? Sky Sky Masterson’s marker for 12 sinners. Sarah At noon? Sky It’ll take us some time to get there.
Sky You’ll know at a glance By the two pair of pants Sarah I’ll know by that calm steady voice Those feet on the ground I’ll know. when my love comes along I’ll know in my heart I’ll know. Sky I’ll drop in again in case you want to take a crack at the other cheek. no… no… you’re talking about love. a guy or a horse? Sarah I wouldn’t expect a gambler to understand. as I run to his arms That at last I’ve come home safe and sound And till then I shall wait And till then I’ll be strong For. I’ll know when my love comes along. I’ll tell you… I’ll know. Sky Would you like to hear how a gambler feels about the big heart throb? Sarah No! Sky Well.For oh. You can’t dope it like that. What are you picking. he’ll be just what I need Not some fly by night Broadway romance. and I won’t ever ask: “Am I right? Am I wise? Am I smart?” But I’ll stop and I’ll stare at that face in the throng Yes. Scene Three – (The Hot Box) Master of Ceremonies “And now for the Grand Finale of our round the world revue we take you down on the farm with our star Miss Adelaide and the Hot Box Farmerettes” A Bushel and A Peck Adelaide I love you a bushel and a peck A bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck Hug around the neck and a barrel and a heap Barrel and a heap and I’m talkin’ in my sleep About you – Dolls About you 11 . Sarah I’ll know when my love comes along. I’ll know when my love comes along Sky No.
Good-bye now! All Exit Nathan I love you a bushel and a peck…. You’re always reading books. tho’ it beats me all to heck Adelaide Beats me all to heck how I’ll Ever tend the farm. have you? Nathan. A book. Adelaide enters Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Hello. Nathan darling. ever tend the farm. this is the psychology that tells you why girls do certain kinds of things. What have you got there? A book. and I told him a long time. Nathan Hello. oodle. oodle. So the doctor asked me how long I had had it. this is very interesting. oodle. so he said to read this book. You haven’t got that. doodle. oodle. because he said it might be due to psychology.Adelaide About you Dolls My heart is leapin’. havin’ trouble sleepin’ Adelaide ‘Cause I love you a bushel and a peck You bet your pretty neck I do – Adelaide & Dolls Doodle. You’re becoming a regular bookie. The doctor gave it to me. oo. oodle. doodle. oodle. oodle. 12 . How is your cold? It’s the same. oodle. pie face. oodle. girls About you The cows and chickens are going to the dickens ‘cause I love you a bushel and a peck You bet your pretty neck I do Girls and Adelaide exit singing Doodle. When I want to keep my Arms – about you Adelaide. oo Nathan enters Dolls I love you a bushel and a peck A bushel and a peck. oodle. I went to him about my cold.oodle Doodle. oodle Doodle.
Mimi As far as I’m concerned you are here by yourself. Honest. I pity you… Mimi Exits Nathan Adelaide. you’re not planning to run your crap game again? Adelaide. I won’t show it to you. All we need now is our license and our blood tests. Mimi Aren’t they a little long dear. Look at me. Adelaide Remember you have a short neck. Adelaide In the top draw of the trunk. Adelaide. I’ve had it for three years. I got the veil. then they open my veins. I can’t guess. Nathan. Mimi He’s a tall man. try them on. and I want us two to be the happiest married couple that there is in the world. You! I’m all dated up tomorrow with Society Max and he breaks it on account of your dopey crap game.What do you think I got in this box? Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan ‘Sally’s Wedding Shop’. It’s a law. It’s a wedding veil. Our what? Blood test. because it’s bad luck… Would you like to see it? It’s bad luck. 13 . Mimi Enters Mimi Can I borrow some earrings? Adelaide It is customary to knock when entering the private dressing room of an engaged person. What a city! First they close my crap game. may I borrow some earrings? Adelaide Diamonds or pearls? Mimi Diamonds. So you see. how can you think such a thing! Why do you think I give up the crap game. I’m down on my knees. Nathan darling. It’s because I love you.
come on. See you tomorrow. and you should have seen her. and the sneezes And sinuses that’s really a pip From a lack of community property and a feeling she’s Getting too old A person… can develop a bad. Nathan Exits Adelaide’s Lament Adelaide It says here – The average unmarried female. and the nose. get up. It reminds me of your crap game. and we’re going to get married – I don’t believe you any more. the ear.Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan Oh. You’ll feel better tomorrow. you’re getting yourself upset – you and I are going to be all right – after all. Great! Just so he don’t take her to Havana. toxic or hypertense Involving the eye. She give him a look that would have cooled off a moose at mating time. cheer up. 14 Benny . and she can Hear church bells chime The compartment is conditioned. Look. just from waiting around For that plain little band of gold A person…. organic. and throat In other words. basically insecure Due to some long frustrations. Note Chronic. bad cold. may react With psychosomatic symptoms. In other words. Syndromes. Scene four Benny Nicely Hey! Nicely! What are you looking at? Sky was just following Miss Sarah. difficult to endure Affecting the upper respiratory tract. Can develop a cold It says here – The female remaining single. just in the legal sense Shows a neurotic tendency – see note…. and the mood Sublime then they get off at Saratoga for the Fourteenth time A person… can develop La grippe La grippe La post nasal drip With the wheezes. we love each other. just from wondering whether the The wedding is on or off A person… can develop a cough When they get on the train for Niagara. honey – Let’s see that old smile – That’s my girl.
it’s too bad that a smart businessman like Nathan has to go and fall in love with his own fiancée. he attended every street meeting we had this morning. You can bet that he’s doing it for some doll When you spot a john waiting out in the rain Chances are he’s insane as only a john can be for a jane When you meet a gent paying all kinds of rent For a flat that could flatten the Taj Mahal.(Mission Exterior) Sarah Arvide Agatha Well. When you see a sport and his cash has run short Make a bet that he’s banking it with some doll. That Miss Adelaide. some doll The guy’s only doing it for some doll! Scene Five . reach for the stars in the sky. I do think you should have paid some attention to him. because I am told that it is a worldwide weakness. He must be very interested in our work. I don’t know – I suppose trying to see Adelaide. that is his weakness. 15 . Yes. Yes.Nicely Benny Nicely Benny Nicely Havana! He couldn’t take this doll to New Rochelle… where’s Nathan? He ought to start lining up the game. ah but you can give odds Forever that the guy’s only doing it For some doll. Guys And Dolls Nicely When you see a guy. call it clever. Benny All Call it sad. When a guy wears tails with the front gleaming white Who the heck do you think he’s tickling pink on Saturday night? When a lazy slob takes a good steady job And he smells from vitalis and barbasol All Call it dumb. but it’s better than even money That the guy’s only doing it for some doll. we finally lost him. She’s always taking his mind off honest work. Benny. some doll. She’s mad at him again. call it funny. and we should be tolerant.
By the way you spoke beautifully this morning. We’ve announced a big meeting for tomorrow night. General How do you do? Sky How do you do… I wish to protest the closing of this Mission. Sarah. But will anyone be here? Sky enters Sky Pardon me – I couldn’t help overhearing…. We didn’t know you were coming to town.Sarah Calvin Sarah General Arvide Sarah General Sarah General Arvide Sarah Arvide General Very. Won’t you come inside – have some lunch with us? No. General Sarah Well. I can’t reach these people. Sarah. even if I can’t. Sarah. dear. General I am glad to hear you say that. Arvide. if I thought the Mission had a chance… General. Sarah. Close the Mission! General. No. I should never have volunteered for this post… Well. General What! Sky General. but I’m not so certain. please! Someone can do good here. we at headquarters have decided to close this branch of the Mission. my name is Sky Masterson. Sky A dollar will get you ten. let’s go in to lunch. might I make a suggestion … Why don’t you come to the meeting tomorrow night and find out for yourself. Good morning. General. General. I have several other calls to make. there’s something I want to talk to you about. General. General Cartwright! Good morning. I don’t have time. 16 . I personally guarantee you one dozen genuine sinners. I believe Miss Sarah can be a big success here. former sinner.
When Nathan Detroit arranges something … you can count on it that …. Nathan Big Jule Why. Harry Nathan. Joey wants his dough first. And someone I don’t know? What do you do? 17 . If there is no crap game tonight I am sure Jule will be considerably displease. and Jule does not like to be displeased. Harry Okay. I got to stall ‘em for a while. an interesting gathering indeed. I came here to shoot crap. Nathan Now take it easy.General Well. Harry Harry I would like you to meet Jule from Chicago. if you do not have no place for your game. The cream of society…. but where’s the game? Nathan enters Benny I’ll tell you in a minute.. Brannigan enters Brannigan Well!… Well!. But it’s eleven o’clock – they won’t stick around much longer.. Nathan. The jails must be empty tonight.(Street off Broadway) Benny Nicely You all got your carnations? Remember. no one will be let in to the game without they got red carnations.. how do you do. is it all set? Can I tell the guys that it’s at the Biltmore Garage? Not yet. Angie the Ox… Society Max… Rusty Charlie… Liver Lips Louie. Hallelujah! Sky Hallelujah! Sarah Hallelujah! Scene 6 . It’s like a password. Jule. Let’s shoot crap. and we will seek elsewhere for entertainment. believe me when I tell you that when Nathan Detroit – Nathan Detroit… …. Nathan Jule. tell us. So sue me… Nathan Benny Nathan Harry Detroit.
see you tomorrow. Nathan What? 18 . Nathan? Well… Brannigan Nathan. It’s a bachelor dinner. sir! A bachelor dinner. sir! Group For…he’s a jolly good fellow. Brannigan Tell me. I’m so thrilled. You should at least tell them the wedding date. Why didn’t you tell me? It was a surprise. Nathan Well. gentlemen? Nathan Well. Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan darling. these good fellows are nice enough to give you a bachelor dinner. for he’s a jolly good fellow Jule Which nobody cannot deny. girls. for he’s a jolly good fellow. Brannigan What’s the occasion. Yes. When is the happy day? Adelaide Nathan When will it be. Brannigan Indeed! What kind of a party? Adelaide Benny Adelaide Goodbye. we… er- AngieIt’s a party. we need time for a license… Brannigan You could elope. Time certainly does fly. Nathan’s getting married. AngieYes. it’s a bachelor dinner. Just think after fourteen years I’m finally going to become Mrs.Jule I’m a scout master form Illinois. But when I saw you standing here with all these – fine gentlemen. I thought it was a – Oh. Lieutenant! It’s a bachelor dinner. I never dreamed it was a bachelor dinner. Nathan Detroit. Nathan’s getting married What! Harry That is correct. Nathan.
It’s Spanish for “milk shake”. and I’ll be all dressed up in whatever you elope in. What did you call them? Sky Dulce de Leche. you’d better find a place! How can I? The money from Sky ain’t come yet. sugar. Brannigan My congratulations too. Nathan Adelaide Nathan Ain’t that unhealthy? Oh. And I only hope there is nothing in heredity. He couldn’t have! How could he? She couldn’t have gone! Band enters. Cuba – a dive) Sarah These are delicious. Do you agree. Benny Nathan Benny Nathan Nathan. and – sort of native flavouring. Exit Brannigan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan. Oh. Sarah Dulce de Leche. one at a time. Exit Adelaide Harry Nathan. You’ll be at the Hot Box tomorrow night? I’ll have a table reserved. Sarah Doesn’t Bacardi have alcohol in it? 19 . Sarah What’s the name of the flavouring? Sky Bacardi. cross stage and exits Scene Seven – (Havana. Maybe it won’t come! Maybe he took the doll to Havana. I’m so happy.Brannigan You can drive down to Maryland… they’ll marry you right away. you are indeed a lucky fellow. Nathan. Jule? Jule Let’s shoot crap. They don’t even ask you for a blood test. Nathan. What’s in it – besides milk? Sky Oh. I got so many things to do before we elope. let’s do it. Well… what the heck…. A most beautiful doll indeed. Nathan.
all I can say is. sir.Sky Only enough to act as a preservative. ding. dong. if I were a bell I’d go ding. dong. dong. They exit Scene Eight – (Mission Exterior) 20 . ding. Ask me now that we’re cosy and clinging Well. Sarah Oh. sir. If I were a bell I’d be ringing From the moment we kissed tonight That’s the way I’ve just got to behave Boy. ding. Sky I think we’d better hurry if we want to catch the plane back to New York. Sarah You know – this would be a wonderful way to get children to drink milk. Two more Dulce de Leche! Sky Are you all right? Sarah Am I all right! If I Were A Bell Ask me how do I feel…. Ask me how I feel From this chemistry lesson I’m learning Well. Ask me how do I feel Little me with my quiet upbringing Well. Sarah How else would a girl get to meet a gambler? Sky I got to think what’s best for you. If I were a bridge I’d be burning Ask me how to describe this whole beautiful thing Well. I’m no good. If I were a lamp I’d light And if I were a banner I’d wave. It’s no good. sir. You know why I took you to Havana? I made a bet! That’s how you met me in the first place. all I can say is If I were a gate I’d be swinging And if I were a watch I’d start popping my spring Or if I were a bell I’d go Ding. a doll like you shouldn’t be mixed up with a guy like me. all I can say is. Sarah I don’t want to go back to New York. dong. Sky I’m taking you back. Sarah You’re no gentleman Sky Look. ding. you talk just like a missionary. I made a bet.
Sky. I feel just like a housewife already! Adelaide exits. Sky… Gee. you were fine. Glad to meet you… You know. I guess so.Sarah Thank you for bringing me back. and wonderful. Adelaide Thank you. Tessa Sky How are you. golly. Sarah Adelaide How do you do. Sky No. Sarah She’s in love. Obediah! 21 . we’re eloping tomorrow night right after the Hot Box – Nathan and I. Sky You’re finding out something I’ve known for quite a while. Adelaide Abi Oh. Four o’clock. Sarah What time is it? Sky I don’t know. I just thought I’d say. Sky How do you like it? Sarah It’s so peaceful. Sky. I must have behaved very badly. Adelaide and girls enter. Adelaide… You know Miss Sarah. Sky. Look! The girls just gave me a kitchen shower! Sky That’s wonderful. fine. Sky Good luck. hello! Why don’t you get a cab? Maybe she don’t want to get cab Tessa Abi And who was asking you anyway. Miss Adelaide? Adelaide Oh. Sarah I’ve never been up this late before. Sky Yeah. I don’t know how I’ll get home with all this stuff. followed by the girls. Sky Miss Adelaide certainly seems happy.
Nicely and Nathan come out of the Mission. You’re the first person I’ve ever told it to. I’ve Never Been In Love Before Sky I’ve never been in love before Now all at once it’s you It’s you forever more I’ve never been in love before I thought my heart was safe I thought I knew the score Sarah But this is wine that’s all too strange and strong I’m full of foolish song And out my song must pour Both So please forgive this helpless haze I’m in I’ve really never been in love before. Sarah dear. Sarah? I’ve been to Cuba You’re even more tired than I am. And guess what? Sky The streets were full of sinners. Hello. Arvide Sarah Arvide Exactly! It was wonderful… where have you been. That’s my real name. Jule Wait a minute! I’m losing ten G’s. Good morning. Sky What the heck is this? What’s going on inside the mission? Benny. Jule enters.Sarah Obediah? What’s that? Sky Obediah Masterson. Arvide enters. Brannigan and two cops enter 22 . A guy dashes on. Arvide We stayed out all night. All Exit except Nathan Sky Nathan! What is this? Nathan Canasta! Nathan exits. Mission band enters Sarah Arvide Grandfather! I thought you’d be asleep. Brother Masterson. Sky Good morning.
don’t you? Sarah…. it wasn’t. Nicely enters the Hot Box Nicely Sky Huh? Nicely Sky. Sky. Sarah Crap game! Sky Sarah. Sky No. Sky That’s not what I mean. Sky Nicely. Nathan’s aunt in Pittsburgh was suddenly taken ill with… Sky A rare tropical disease. you know I had nothing to do with this. You said it yourself – it’s no good. did you see Miss Adelaide? I bring a message for her from Nathan. Sarah This wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t… I never should have gone with you. Scene Nine – (Hot Box) Sky enters the Hot Box. Sarah Did I? Sky Will I see you tomorrow? Sarah Everyone is welcome at the Mission. Sky What’s the message? Nicely It’s this way.Brannigan Someone must have tipped them off. Sky Why not? What kind of doll are you. Two cops exit I seen a lot of strange things in my time but this is the first time I ever see a floating crap game going full blast in a Mission. anyway? Sarah I’m a Mission Doll. It was wrong. You went to help the Mission. Sarah It’s no good. Nicely Say. that’s not bad. Sky Since last night? 23 . Where is Nathan? Nicely The crap game is still going on.
Goodbye. See you in a couple of months. and . Nicely rushes out Adelaide What? I don’t understand. and book ends. does not wish the game to terminate. Sky Why don’t you get another guy? Adelaide Wait till you fall for somebody! You’ll find out. but I do want to talk to some of the guys. Sky Change. Sky Guys like Nathan Detroit. somebody – and I’d kinda like to clean it up before… Adelaide approaches Nicely …. with – wallpaper.yeah. Is it the crap game again? Sky You know Nathan. Sky Masterson – we don’t belong in a life like that. Nathan is in Pittsburgh with a rare tropical aunt. Why does it surprise you? Adelaide But he promised to change. I gave a marker to – well. Adelaide Will you see Nathan before you go? Sky Maybe Adelaide Tell him I never want to talk to him again and have him call me here. Sky Where is the game? Nicely Are you looking for some action? Sky No. being a large loser. you take him right in for alteration? Adelaide What about you men? Why can’t you marry people like other people do and live normal like people? Have a home. Sky.Nicely Big Jule. change. I’m leaving town tonight. it’s no good. Nathan has to come here tonight. I’ll meet you outside. Sky Yeah. We’re eloping to get married. Sky What about Nathan’s message? Nicely Oh! Miss Adelaide. Why is it the minute you dolls get a guy that you like. Sky exits Adelaide’s Second Lament Adelaide In other words – just from sitting alone at a table 24 . So when dolls get mixed up with guys like us.
Even a man like Sky Masterson. The General is coming. how goes it with the soul-saving? Tonight’s the big meeting isn’t it? Arvide It’s supposed to be. He came seeking me. Did you know that? I knew that the minute he started picking on you. Brother Abernathy. eh? Sarah Grandfather. But if you love him enough – Sarah dear… Sky enters with Nicely Sky Good evening. The man I love will not be a gambler. He came seeking refuge. not so fast.Reserved for two A person can develop the flu Abi You can bundle her up in her woollies And I mean the warmest brand You can wrap her in sweaters and coats ‘til it’s more than her frame can stand If she still gets the feeling she’s naked From looking at her left hand A person can develop the flu Huh! The flu! A hundred and three point two So much virus inside That her microscope slide Looks like a day at the zoo Just from wanting her memories in writing And a story her folks can be told Both A person can develop a cold Scene Ten – (Street exterior) Arvide Sarah Arvide Sarah Arvide Sarah Arvide Sarah Arvide Not so fast. Sarah. 25 . And some day they’ll be praying there. We’ve got to hurry. Miss Sarah. I just want to get away from this whole place. They gambled – in our Mission. To go some place Where – where – Where sinners are all respectable and well behaved? You saw what happened last night. Sky The General’s a tough doll. but I didn’t know you were going to get stuck on him.
Sky. Sky Which way? Nicely This way. Where are you all going? I came here to shoot crap. Arvide exits Sky Nicely! Where’s the crap game? Nicely Well. Sarah exits If you don’t pay off on that marker I’ll tell the whole town you’re a dirty welcher. I will give you my marker. You hold my marker for twelve sinners tonight. (Opens a manhole cover) Scene Eleven – (Crap game in the sewer) Jule Wait a minute. it’s about ten minutes walk from here. but being a gambler. Detroit. namely twenty four hours. last night the Mission was filled with your friends. Starts to exit Jule Get up the two thousand. So nobody leaves. I am out twenty five Gs. I’m eloping tonight. it is merely that he prefers to win. I begin to see the logic of Jule. Nathan Gentlemen. Nathan And if I lose? Harry You will give him cash. Nathan Let me hear from Big Jule. Jule? Jule I will now play on credit. Jule I do not care who is tired. Adelaide is waiting for me. having been shooting crap for quite a while now. willy or nilly. Sarah Arvide Mr Masterson. If I lose. Let us just say we’re even. Nathan I just remembered. AngieWe had enough Tommy Nathan Let’s go home. Jule. I never forgot things like this.Sky Miss Sarah. Give me the dice. And. 26 . the boys are slightly fatigued from weariness. Put up your dough. You see. I am going to roll you. Jule You will give me cash. I’m shooting two thousand. Right. You’ve forgotten something. It is not that Jule is a bad loser.
Hits Jule with right. I would like to talk to some of you guys. who is this guy? Harry It’s the fellow I was telling you – took the Mission doll to Havana Jule Look. Jule tries to draw gun. would you care to make a small wager on a proposition? Jule What’s the proposition? Sky Am I right handed or left handed? Jule How would I know a thing like that? Sky I’ll give you a clue. Nathan That cleans me. Sky gets it & tosses it to Nathan. you’re slowing up the action around here. Jule We ain’t talking. It has to do with Miss Sarah Brown’s Mission. and when it comes to sinning most of you guys are high up among the paint cards. Jule Well. You looking for some action? Sky Not at the moment. I promised I would deliver to them some sinners. gentlemen. Nathan Kindly return this to Sears-Roebuck. fresh blood. We’re shooting crap. Harry I don’t want to waste no evening in a Hallelujah joint. Sky I guarantee you the air in the Mission smells cleaner than down here 27 . Jule Now I will play with you guys Nicely and Sky enter. Gives gun to Benny Sky Look. Tonight in Miss Sarah Brown’s Mission at 409 West 49th Street they are holding a midnight prayer meeting. I win. you guys.Nathan Wouldn’t it be more convenient if I put it right into your pocket? Jule Get it up! Haah… Eleven. Nicely Here they are. Jule Say. Sky If you want action. Sky I am asking for only one minute. fellow. Sky Good evening.
Sky You got one some place. Sky What’d you say? Harry I says with them dice he cannot make a pass to save his soul. Nathan Me? I don’t even know if I got one. get up. Sky… About the Havana business. Nathan. Benny By me too. Nathan Okay. AngieOkay by me. I have now got dough to roll you again. I tried… See you around. Sky Well.And maybe it would not hurt you guys to learn something else besides the odds on making a four the hard way. You won. And yours… and his I will bet each of you a thousand dollars against your souls.. A thousand dollars against your soul. Nathan But I thought you took Miss Sarah to Havana. Okay? One meeting. And give me room. One thousand cash against a marker for you souls. Sky You don’t have to pay me. But with my dice. With your dice he cannot make a pass to save his soul. Harry Nothing doing. Luck Be a Lady Sky They call you Lady Luck But there is room for doubt At times you have a very unladylike way Of running out You’re on this date with me The pickings have been lush And yet before this evening is over You might give me the brush You might forget your manners You might refuse to stay and so The best that I can do is pray 28 .. I’ve got a little more than dough riding on this one. Sky You thought wrong. Nathan. Well. I regret I temporarily do not have the one thousand to pay you. If I win. Nathan Come on Jule. maybe I can make a pass to save his… And yours!. you guys all show up at the Mission tonight. Sky You too. Give me the dice.
if you’ve ever been a lady to begin with. be a lady tonight. Roll ‘em. Crapshooters Luck be a lady. Luck be a lady Crapshooters Stick here baby. be a lady with me A lady wouldn’t flirt with strangers She’d have a heart. let a gentleman see Sky How nice a dame you can be Crapshooters How nice a dame you can be Sky I know the way you’ve treated other Guys you’ve been with Luck be a lady with me. roll ‘em Sky So let’s keep the party polite Crapshooters So let’s keep the party polite Sky Never get out of my sight Crapshooters Never get out of my sight Sky Stick with me. let a gentleman see Crapshooters Luck. snake eyes. I’m the fellow you came in with. Luck. Luck be a lady Sky Luck be a lady Crapshooters Luck be a lady Sky Luck be a lady tonight 29 . baby. she’d have a soul. Roll ‘em. Sky A lady wouldn’t make little snake eyes at me When I’ve bet my life on this roll. Crapshooters Roll ‘em.Luck be a lady tonight. Stick here baby. Luck be a lady tonight Luck. Luck. a lady. roll ‘em. roll ‘em.
did Nicely explain to you about tonight? I hope you ain’t sore about it? Please! Let us not have a vulgar scene. Crapshooters Ha! Scene Twelve – (A street off Broadway) Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide! Oh! What a coincidence! Adelaide. Why not? Come on. Nathan darling. I have succeeded in your not being able to upset me no more.) No. We’ll get married. We’ll have a home. we are civilized people – we do not have to conduct ourselves like a slob. Look. comin’ out. Ha! Sky. a little white house with a green fence – just like the Whitney colours. Sweetheart! Baby! How can you carry on like this over one lousy elopement? Adelaide. Nathan. Right. Nathan! Adelaide. we can still make everything all right. Adelaide. Okay. Nathan. Nathan exits in other direction 30 . I got to go to a prayer meeting. (Benny and Nicely enter. comin’ out. comin’ out. why can’t we elope now? Because – well. Roll will ya. Five minutes to twelve – let’s elope right now. What’s the matter? Roll the dice! Comin’ out. Nathan – we’ll be late. This is the biggest lie you ever told me! She begins to exit But I promise you it’s true. Come on! They exit Nathan. After all. I can’t. Adelaide! Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Benny Nicely Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan She exits. I have got you completely out of my…(Sneezes). baby! Don’t ever do that to me again! I can’t stand it. please! It’s no use. Oh.Crapshooters Roll will ya. Look – it’s not even midnight yet.
I know what’s wrong. Now. Since I am required to depart for points West tonight – I am appointing Nathan Detroit major domo in my place. Come. not Roseland. welcome. brothers. something is very wrong. General. brothers – I know it is difficult. you guys. Isn’t anyone coming? Sergeant Sarah. One dozen or more assorted sinners. who would like to start the ball rolling by giving testimony? Benny! Give testimony. I ain’t no stool pigeon. Tommy. What’s the pitch? 31 .Scene Thirteen – (Interior of Mission) General Sarah It is now several minutes past midnight. The meeting will be conducted by the head of our organisation. Sky Miss Sarah. Arvide Won’t you gentlemen sit down? Sky Sit down! All of you! And this is a Mission. we are honoured tonight. Brother Abernathy. I’ve failed. But let one of you give testimony to the sin that is in his heart. so I suggest that you do not indulge in any unpleasantness. I’m wrong. Anyone. Nathan. General Cartwright. anybody who does not conduct himself according to Hoyle will answer to Sky Masterson personally. here you are. General Nathan Arvide General Nathan Benny General Nathan Tommy Nathan Tommy What a remarkable young man! So remember that. Gentlemen. Sorry we didn’t have time to clean ‘em up. Sky enters Nathan enters Arvide Sky Everybody here? Where is Nathan Detroit? Nathan Present. your dice. It is wonderful to see our Mission graced by the presence of so many evil – looking sinners. I’ve spoken to these people day after day. No way! Tommy! Ahhh. but my words haven’t reached them… I think you had better… Mugs enter Welcome.
That’s why we’re here. no! Nathan Harry the Horse! Harry Ah. sit down. How wonderful! This whole meeting the result of gambling. like when Sky was rolling us for our souls – General I beg your pardon? Harry Sky Masterson. when I was a kid. Sergeant Sarah you have done remarkable work. That’s it. It shows how good can come out of evil. they know right from wrong For the people all said sit down. as can be proved by my record – 33 arrests and no convictions. real bad. General. You’re rockin’ the boat Nicely & ensemble 32 . It happened to me kind of funny. but ever since then I gone straight. in your own words. Harry! Harry Oh. Tell us.Nathan Tommy Nathan Tell all the people all the terrible things you don but you ain’t gonna do no more. He rolled us a thousand dollars against our souls. a dream. Well I used to be bad. He means that they are only here because Mr Masterson won them in a dice game. well. General Sarah General Sarah General I don’t think I understand. Sit down you’re Rockin’ the boat Nicely I dreamed last night I got on a boat to heaven And by some chance I had brought my dice along And there I stood And I hollered “someone fade me” But the passengers. and watch your language. Thank you Anybody else? Brannigan enters Brannigan Ah ha! Nathan Nicely General We will now hear testimony from – Brother Nicely-Nicely Johnson – Brother Nicely – Nicely Johnson – Well. Like a dream. I do.
People all said sit down. By the sharp lapel of your checkered coat Sit down. Ensemble Said to himself sit down Nicely And the devil will drag you under Ensemble And the devil will drag you under Nicely With a soul so heavy you’d never float. Nicely Sit down Ensemble Sit down. Ensemble Sit down. sit down. sit down. sit down. Nicely And the devil will drag you under. Nicely And I said to myself. A great big wave came and washed me overboard Ensemble MmmNicely And as I sank Ensemble Ooo – Nicely And I hollered “Someone save me” Ensemble Ooo – Nicely That’s the moment I woke up Ensemble Ooo – Nicely Thank the Lord Ensemble Thank the Lord. sit down. sit down. You’re rocking the boat. sit down. sit down Ensemble Sit down. sit down. You’re rockin’ the boat. you’re rockin’ the boat Nicely And as I laughed at those passengers to heaven. thank the Lord. Sit down. sit down. sit down. You’re rockin’ the boat Ensemble Said to himself sit down – sit down Nicely Said to myself. sit down. sit down Nicely You’re rockin’ the boat 33 .
officer. Miss Sarah… people. 34 . You saw them. I also have a confession to make. Well. stray no more. The guy told me that he didn’t take the doll. Ain’t we boys? Jule I’m really sorry. But I did another terrible thing. I made a bet with a certain guy that he could not take a certain doll away with him on a trip. you’re rockin the boat Nathan Anything we can do for you. Brother Brannigan? Maybe you would care to testify? Brannigan I’ll do my testifying in court. Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Gentleman. although it did not do any harm. You won the bet? Sure.Ensemble You’re rockin’ the boat. you were standing there when they came out. Jule There’s a right broad! Arvide Now if you would excuse me. and this I should not have done. as I won the bet. and I got to get it off my chest. sit down you’re rockin’ Nicely & Ensemble Sit down. Aren’t these the fellows? (All look worried) Sarah I never saw them before in my life. that makes me feel a lot better. follow the fold. we will now sing No. 244. sit down. Put down the bottle and we’ll say no more Follow. Brannigan exits Nathan Thank you. where I will testify that you ran a crap game here in this Mission last night. sit down. “Follow the Fold” Sarah Nathan General Nathan Sarah General The Guys Follow the Fold Ensemble Follow the Fold and stray no more Stray no more. we would like to go on with our meeting. Tommy Nathan Me too. We did shoot crap here last night and we’re all sorry. Miss Sarah.
Scene Fourteen – (Night. street off Broadway) The Happy Ending Minister Brothers and sisters as you all know traffic is very heavy this time of night. Then under the authority granted me by the state of New York county of New York City. some doll The guy’s only doing it for some doll The End 35 . call it funny. reach for stars in the sky You can bet that’s he’s doing it for some doll When you spot a john waiting out in the rain Chances are he’s insane as only a john can be for a Jane When you meet a gent paying all kinds of rent For a flat that could flatten the Taj Mahal Call it sad. He’s got t say it himself. Do you Nathan Detroit take Miss Adelaide to be your lawful wedded wife? Nathan Sneezes Adelaide Minister Nathan Minister That means he does. Minister Adelaide Minister Do you Miss Adelaide take Nathan Detroit to be your lawful wedded husband? I do. I hear by pronounce you man and wife. Do you Sarah Brown take Sky Masterson to be your lawful wedded husband? I do. Do you Sky Masterson take Sarah Brown to be your lawful wedded wife? Sarah Minister Sky I do. Photographs are taken & flowers get thrown. but it’s better than even money That the guy’s only doing it for some doll Some doll. I do. The Company When you see a guy. so our ceremony will be brief.