Barney's Version by Michael Konyves

Based on the novel by Mordecai Richler

WHITE 10-23-09 INT. DEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A tumbler of Scotch. A half empty bottle of Macallan's. burning Montecristo cigar in an ashtray. A hand picks up a telephone and dials. BARNEY I'd like to speak with my wife. BLAIR (V.O.) (groggy) Barney...? It's three in the morning. BARNEY Put my wife on the phone. BLAIR (V.O.) She's not your wife and I'm not waking her. BARNEY Then just ask her what she wants me to do with these nude photos I have of her. Come to think of it, you might actually want them if only to see what Miriam looked like in her prime. Click. Dial tone. A


Barney hangs up, puffs on his cigar. Feeling good. Photos of him and Miriam strewn over the table. None of them nudes. CUT TO: INT. DEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - MORNING The bottle of Macallan's now empty. The cigar burned to the nub. An ALARM CLOCK DRONES on and on from the bedroom. gets turned off. It finally

BARNEY PANOFSKY (64), hung over and in his robe, lumbers down the hallway and to the front door. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS He picks up the morning newspaper. Something he reads upsets him. BARNEY Fuck. A SOCCER BALL rolls and stops at Barney's feet. Scans the front page.

WHITE 10-23-09 JUSTIN (8) runs up and grabs the ball. Barney. Barney stares back. NEIGHBOR (O.S.) Justin, come on, we're late. JUSTIN Hi Barney. BARNEY Good morning. Justin runs off. INT. Barney turns back inside. He stares up at



Now dressed, Barney reads the paper as he finishes his bagel and lox. He looks at his watch -- shit, he's late. Drops the paper on the table. Puts the dishes in the sink. INSERT - NEWSPAPER BLURB - FRONT PAGE "BOOK REVIEW: Detective Sean O'Hearne writes his own account of the scandal that rocked the city 30 years ago..." Beside the blurb is an old picture of BARNEY IN HANDCUFFS. INT. KITCHEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS He grabs his cell phone and turns it on, then notices the answering machine. INSERT - BLINKING ANSWERING MACHINE: 10 MESSAGES. He presses PLAY, but only listens to the first few words of each message before fast forwarding to the next. ANSWERING MACHINE (female voice) Hi dad, I know it's early... hi dad, me again... where are you... dad, call meeee... The next few messages from an angry MALE VOICE. ANSWERING MACHINE (CONT'D) Dad, its Michael.... Dad, I know you're there... Are you screening?... Barney turns the machine OFF. Now he can't find his keys. Scours the house for them. His cell phone RINGS. BARNEY Hello?

Impotence is still on the table. STREET . . BARNEY How bad? Minor. KATE Are you not at all concerned that you might have caused this? BARNEY Why would I be? KATE Mom told me about the phone call last night. KATE He thought it was indigestion. it's still a heart attack. He finds his keys. Putz. BARNEY That's true.WHITE 10-23-09 EXT. HALLWAY . KATE Dad. where were you? calling all morning.MORNING INTERCUT WITH KATE (24). BARNEY The ringer was off. Walking to her job as a grade school teacher. BARNEY Really? KATE Really. KATE Daddy. KATE Blair had a heart attack last night. BARNEY I've been 3.CONTINUOUS Barney hurries down the hallway to the elevator. carrying a bag and thermos. Rushes out the door. The long term effects of these things don't often show up until later. Barney's daughter. INT.

BARNEY So I saved his life. On the elevator doors closing we. KATE Are you okay? BARNEY Yeah.. the elevator. The 4. BARNEY Love you too. He steps in.. KATE You better. CUT TO: INT. I'm fine. filled with glee at this news. and she then insisted on taking him to the hospital. BARNEY I may have accidentally dialed their number. dad. It was your call that woke her. back on the phone with Kate who is approaching the school she teaches at. BARNEY I'll call you back. Barney grins from ear to ear.MORNING Barney driving his Mercedes. CAR . BARNEY Did you see the paper today? I did. KATE My hero. (beat) I'll call you later. Okay. I'm stepping in DING. elevator arrives.WHITE 10-23-09 That triggers a distant alcohol fogged memory. . But you do have an out it seems that Blair was already having chest pains when you called but he didn't want to bother mom with it.DRIVING . KATE Sure. KATE Love you.

originally cast as the "sexpot" of the show. The scene is painful for him watch. but she works it like she's still the cat's meow. He pulls over a WARDROBE GIRL. Barney quietly walks onto the sound stage. mid-50's and still handsome. DIRECTOR MOVING ON. CUT TO: INT. herself. SOLANGE I want to talk to you! Barney immediately hustles himself away. SOLANGE (wrapping a bandage) How does that feel. TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS .DAY 5. TV SOUNDSTAGE . is being tended to by a female NURSE played by SOLANGE (52). the long running soap . The CONSTABLE. making a "house call" to the local bar. SOLANGE. BARNEY Can we do something about her outfit? I tried. O'MALLEY. WARDROBE GIRL She has them altered DIRECTOR Solange's bright smile instantly sours as she eyes Barney. and sits in his producers chair. CUT! (to Barney) How was that? BARNEY Appallingly bad. .WHITE 10-23-09 EXT."O'MALLEY OF THE NORTH". Great.DAY We drop right into a scene of Barney's TV show. her uniform is inappropriately low cut and tight for a woman her age. Barney drives up to the offices of TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS and pulls into his personal parking spot. O'Malley? O'MALLEY Warm and tight.

. BARNEY (announcing to entire office) Good morning everyone. Everyone talking over each other. FOUR EXECUTIVES descend upon him. EXECUTIVE And we lost the location so we have to rewrite it for the studio-- 6. BARNEY That's in a year. no I don't give a flying fuck and neither should you. Barney pushes through a door. Yes I've seen today's paper. MARK Barney. leading everyone into -INT. MARK Did you see today's paper? MARK The teaser is a minute long-EXECUTIVE We need to go over the opening for next week's episode. MARK They're looking ahead. let that be the end of it. struggling to keep pace. and they're open to renewing for two more seasons. Barney whisks through the aisles . assistants. the network wants to make a really big deal about the 30th season. BARNEY How long have you worked for me? MARK Eighteen years.WHITE 10-23-09 SOLANGE (CONT'D) Don't you run away from me! She tries to go after him but is stopped by the sound guy who needs to remove her mic.everyone still hot on his tail.CONTINUOUS Rows of desks occupied by accountants. including MARK (40). TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS OFFICE . (nervous) But they have a few suggestions. story editors.

She's been on the show since day one. MARK We'll do it in a classy way-BARNEY I won't humiliate her like that. Maybe give Solange a sexy. Someone young. this is our last season. SOLANGE I want a word with you NOW. Mark steps forward as Barney flips through mail on his desk. If we don't do it. BARNEY No. No way. I'll give her your job before that happens. No one under fifty watches the show.CONTINUOUS 7. BARNEY'S OFFICE . young niece who comes to live with her-BARNEY They want to fire Solange? MARK They want us to write her down in favor of a new character. BARNEY So they want to bring in some tits and ass? MARK Isn't that why you first hired her? Solange suddenly bursts through the crowd of Exec's and slams a FOLDER down on Barney's desk. MARK They're not asking. The exec's all follow inside and stand in silence.WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY So why do you still act like a girl asking permission for a sleepover? Tell me what the hell it is. MARK They want to bring in a new face. . Barney heads into -INT.

This proves what I'm really worth to the foreign market. 8. Tell me honestly. SOLANGE (CONT'D) I feel like everyone is laughing at me. how do I look? Beat. SOLANGE (teary) Thank you. MARK Barney.WHITE 10-23-09 Barney opens the folder and scans the papers inside. why do we need to bring lawyers into this? Solange turns around and pushes the Exec's out. and he says-MARK Whoa. instantly softens. BARNEY What language is this? SOLANGE They're from Bulgaria. Her tone . Press clippings about me and they just keep coming. whoa. Sexy as hell. we have to discuss-SOLANGE OUT! She slams the door on them and turns to Barney. SOLANGE I hired a new lawyer. BARNEY You look like the reason we're still on the air. Out! SOLANGE I want to talk Barney alone. Solange. They love me over there. (beat) But you're still going to pay me what I deserve. a real shark. Barney tosses the folder aside. BARNEY I'll give it my utmost attention.

DAY Barney walks into his regular watering hole . INT. slides off his barstool. slamming the door behind her for effect. JILL He's had more than a few already. around 60.WHITE 10-23-09 She stops just before exiting. O'HEARNE (CONT'D) That's for you. puts her game face on and storms out. POUNDS it shut with his fist. SOLANGE (CONT'D) I saw the paper. I even signed it. CUT TO: INT/EXT. How are you doing? BARNEY Fine. Barney opens the book . Solange takes the cue. blotchy salmon red complexion.DRIVING . Barney busies himself with moving around papers. then flips it back open and starts eating from the cracked nuts. GRUMPY'S BAR . JILL You get home okay last night? BARNEY I got home.DAY Barney drives through downtown Montreal.GRUMPY'S BAR. Barney ignores him. eventually parking in front of Grumpy's Bar. The bar spotted with regulars who mumble hello to him. 9. With a glance. Not wanting to get into it. Grossly overweight. JILL THE BARTENDER serves him his usual. Jill directs Barney down the bar. O'Hearne places a copy of the infamous book he's written "WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE" on the bar.dumps a handful of peanuts on the page. O'HEARNE You see that review in the paper today? Not bad. then takes a deep breath. BARNEY'S CAR . . DETECTIVE SEAN O'HEARNE.

Marvelling at his idiocy. you're bound to go first. O'HEARNE (CONT'D) "To Barney. O'HEARNE I just want to know what you did with the body already. BARNEY You really want to know? Fine. Lawrence river. Detective Sean O'Hearne". If you won't tell me now. You'd never have the guts to cut him up. O'HEARNE Chainsaw. none of this would have been possible without you. BARNEY For someone who professes to hate me so much. . He's very drunk. All the best.prick you with a fork on a hot summer day and you'd explode like a pan fried sausage. dumped the parts in the St. you sure do go out of your way to come around here a lot. Look at you . O'Hearne slides the book back over to himself and clumsily flips to his hand written inscription. I carved him up with a chainsaw. share in the moment. Panofsky. O'HEARNE This heart will still be pumping strong when your prostate turns to marble. promise you'll at least leave me a note in your will. I 10.WHITE 10-23-09 O'HEARNE (CONT'D) Why do you have to be like that? wrote a nice little note to you. BARNEY C'mon O'Hearne. BARNEY What the hell are you doing here? O'HEARNE This is a big day. be a "mensch". my ass. Barney looks at O'Hearne. like you might say. I thought I'd buy you a drink.

TRASTAVERE. (looking at Barney) You screwed over everyone you ever knew or cared about. sweetie. (MORE) . FLASHBACK TO: EXT. actor. Locals. Italian bearded artist. INSERT .I know that I can't just sit around and wait for something to happen.BLACK AND WHITE PHOTO CIRCA 1974. 1974 Barney is out cavorting with his crew . INTENSE stare. his pants and t-shirt speckled with paint. extremely handsome.over educated contemporaries living the bohemian life in Rome. African American. Barney's eyes reluctantly drift to the COVER PHOTO of the book. CEDRIC . Barney's Algonquin Round Table. O'Hearne marches out.. BARNEY Your breath stinks.WHITE 10-23-09 JILL Why don't you just leave him alone already? O'HEARNE Because he got away with murder. O'Hearne has to tear himself away before he tries to kill Barney. ex-pats and plenty of girls. three fawning girls with him. Copious amounts of food and drink. 11.PAST TITLE: ROME. O'Hearne is right up in his face. ROME . He slides the book back over to him.. Lively conversations overlap. RESTAURANT . as we move around a crowded table. Barney with his arm around his best friend BOOGIE. O'HEARNE It's a real page turner. LEO FASOLI. A few of Barney's standout friends being: CEDRIC RICHARDSON.NIGHT . and now the whole world is going to know what a cocksucking murderer you really are.

WHITE 10-23-09 CEDRIC (CONT'D) So I call up the director and tell him: "I've been offered Othello for the third straight year and I'm not going to pass it up just to play the fucking Chuck Wagon cook again. COUNTESS/MARIA Maria. Tall and lean. Everyone toasts. CEDRIC I'm an actor. So I tell him . Barney's best and most cherished friend. Barney's eyes light up as he leaps from his chair to greet -BARNEY BOOGIE! EVERYONE Boogie/Welcome back!! 12. LEO To Cedric. BARNEY Amen! CEDRIC And he had the role rewritten for me. MARIA You look like a movie . Boogie is greeted by all and handed some wine. the time has come for the black man to hold a gun instead of a spatula". living the lessons of the Bard: "be as great in act. star. Who do I look like. (flirtatious) You look familiar to me. BOOGIE. as you have in thought"."Roberto. I am now posse member number 4. He has a stunning girl (THE COUNTESS) on his arm. CEDRIC I'm Cedric. Roscoe Lee Brown? "But that's how it's written" he answers. he possesses a physical and intellectual magnetism that enchants everyone who meets him. Cedric makes it a point to introduce himself to The Countess. I knew it.

I'm getting married. BOOGIE (to Barney) And so. Her exquisite beauty silences them all. kisses him deeply. BOOGIE Only a few? I sent them months ago. my High Priest. . LEO The show was a bust. Everyone toasts. Barney holds up the painting to show Boogie. the Countess. LEO Where did you meet her? BOOGIE Somewhere between my blackout in Lake Como and my hangover in SteMaxime. that would be great. CEDRIC Who is that? BOOGIE Ah. A descendant of Giuseppe Garibaldi. Leo. I only sold one piece . whispers something in his ear. If you could find out AND get her name. But enough about that. The Countess then slides up to Boogie. how was your showing at Galerie Des Points? The silence around the table indicates .to Barney."not so good". BARNEY His work is too bold for that crowd. actually. then walks off to the bathroom. did you get through those books I sent you? BARNEY A few of them. Otherwise known as our only friend with a real job. I want to hear about all of you. CEDRIC Barney . no less.WHITE 10-23-09 13. What have you been doing with yourself? BARNEY Well.our very own patron of the arts.

EVERYONE L'CHAIM! Everyone drinks. You're a voyeur-BOOGIE Okay. It's like a bad Jewish sitcom. You're not one of us. and slightly showing at her belly.) To me. pale and beautiful.S. your happiness-CLARA (at Barney) And a three inch prick. CLARA Who remembers? (to Boogie) Has he told you what he's doing now? Exporting olive oil to some guy. She instantly To CLARA I'm sorry. Hymie back in Montreal. baby. gypsy shawl and skirt. tall. BARNEY Someone needs to make a living. CLARA (CONT'D) Prince Charmingbaum here knocked me up by way of a magical thirty seconds of friction. It's fucking humiliating. A toast to the newlyweds! your health. Three months pregnant.WHITE 10-23-09 BOOGIE What?! To who? CLARA (O. Boogie turns around to find CLARA CHAMBERS (26). switches gears to soft and loving. CLARA He comes to Europe and sells oil. Barney scowls at Clara. skinny. . BARNEY Where have you been? You didn't come home last night. You're still my yummy yid. 14. She downs a shot of Grappa and lights a cigarette as she sits.

Oh. Boogie turns to the gang: Leo pulling up the rear with his girl. Cedric walking with one arm around Clara and the other around the Countess. BOOGIE Why did you agree to marry her? BARNEY I got her pregnant. the party around them continues on. And how do you even know it's yours? BARNEY It's mine. LEO Yeah. EXT. She's a conversation piece. Barney.. who is quite smitten with him. yeah. C'mon. I'm seeing. He starts to soften. She gets on his lap. Oh. BOOGIE He's coming with me. BOOGIE I don't believe what CLARA (lighting a cigarette) Count me out. come on. the whole gang pours out into the street. I'm already hung over and I'm not even done being drunk yet. BOOGIE (CONT'D) So what's the plan everyone? are we doing? What CEDRIC I have an early call time tomorrow.WHITE 10-23-09 15. not a wife. I'm exhausted. Barney and Boogie lead the way.. sharing a flask.. BOOGIE If you say so. curling herself around him like a cat. and I'm fucking pregnant too.LATER THAT NIGHT Closing down the bar. ROME STREET . . Barney shlepping Leo's painting with him. BOOGIE So? Clara's crazy.

Hash . BOOGIE (CONT'D) Got any money? BARNEY Some.HOTEL CISTERNA . Boogie unwraps the tinfoil to reveal a ball of OPIUM inside. Barney finds two clean glasses in the messy room and pours them each a drink. 3/4 OF A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH LATER . Horse. BOOGIE'S ROOM . But you can read it so far.LATER Laid out on the table in Boogie's hotel room: 16. Barney. Opium.everything under and behind the sun. Boogie drags Barney down a side street. a small ball of TINFOIL. A bottle of Scotch. two packs of Gauloises. BARNEY You finished it?! BOOGIE Not quite yet. BOOGIE We have to do it all. CLARA Oh no. BOOGIE You don't own him just yet. a pack of rolling papers. We only go around once.WHITE 10-23-09 CLARA Where are you going? BOOGIE Taking him out for a proper bachelor party. on and off the table. Boogie then hands Barney a thick MANUSCRIPT off the floor. you're not. They toast and drink. INT. Barney drops onto the mattress and starts right away. Then gathers his drug paraphernalia. Why? BOOGIE Provisions.

INSERT . Vanessa's Pussy is a pillar of religious devotion. Pious and pristine . BARNEY (CONT'D) What's it about? While Boogie weaves his tale. Vanessa's Pussy is suddenly fucked over and over and over again by The Supreme Being.WHITE 10-23-09 Barney has gone through a hundred pages so far. When are they publishing it? BOOGIE They're not. without warning or reason. BARNEY Why the hell not? BOOGIE I told you. BARNEY What about the advance they paid you? BOOGIE I wrote him another one. BOOGIE It's a new interpretation of the Book of Job. Then one day. And anyway. I'm never giving it to that feckless editor. After an ungodly amount of (MORE) .MANUSCRIPT: "VANESSA'S PUSSY" 17. he heats up and crumbles some of the Opium. Absolutely brilliant. a deity who erects himself into this temporal world as The Great Cock. preparing to smoke it in a pipe. as told through Vanessa's vaginal lips. this is brilliant. it's not finished yet. BARNEY Why? BOOGIE I didn't submit it. BARNEY Which? Boogie reaches over and tosses Barney a manuscript. BARNEY Boogie.

Barney pours himself more Scotch and continues reading. Vanessa's Pussy surrenders her absolute devotion to The Great Cock. helps her up the stairs. CUT TO: EXT. Boogie. but she's left with a recurring odorous rash. 18. no one will think anything less of you. Cedric.DAY Wedding day. As reward. ahead of the others. Barney looks at him dumfounded. BARNEY Jesus. Barney tries to stare him down like a disapproving parent. BARNEY Let me guess .CAMPIDOGLIO . BARNEY You're saying this to me now? BOOGIE I'm just saying. but the sheer bravado of the story makes them both crack up. Clara is seven months pregnant. STAIRS . her elasticity is restored. Leo accompany Barney and Clara up the steps to the Mayor's Marriage Office. (beat) For some reason the editor passed.WHITE 10-23-09 BOOGIE (CONT'D) drilling. you don't have to go through with this. . Barney wears a mix and match tuxedo. Boogie. wearing a black veil. Cedric He and Boogie walk BOOGIE Listen. stop dicking around and finish your book already.Vanessa is the editor's wife. and now a shell of the hole she used to be. BOOGIE Was. Boogie takes a hit off the pipe.

I just never bothered to do the paperwork to change the name back. Boogie and Leo step forward and sign the marriage license. prego. (JUDGE'S DIALOGUE IS IN ITALIAN AND SUBTITLED). prego . JUDGE (CONT'D) Clara Charnofksy. The Judge takes a cursory glance and hands them to his CLERK. Clara says nothing. MAGISTRATE'S OFFICE . BARNEY Did you not think to mention this? CLARA Don't worry. .CAMPIDOGLIO . JUDGE Non secondo il suo passaporto. INT. Everyone waits for the JUDGE who looks over their paperwork. CLARA I was married to a Russian gangster for maybe five days. firmi qui. I ran away on the honeymoon. we're already late. JUDGE (CONT'D) Barney Panofsky.DAY 19.WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY (beat) C'mon.Bernardo Moscovitz. Barney signs. JUDGE (CONT'D) I testimoni. is chiama Clara Chambers. Barney grabs her passport to see for himself. Leonardo Fasoli. JUDGE I vistri passaporti. firmi qui. you still got yourself a true blue Shiksa. BARNEY (in bad Italian) Charnofsky? No.

sketches and paintings. a child terrified of the thunder. Barney holds Clara in his arms as she is curled on the bed. CLARA Maybe a piece of fruit. clutching her black wedding veil. (beat) Can I get you anything? eaten a thing all day. All around the apartment we see scraps of half written poems. BARNEY Why do you peel it like that? You haven't . CLARA Only two . CEDRIC (beat) Mazel Tov! INT. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . CLARA I'm sorry. When you're out getting the hockey scores I let them down and force feed them pork roast milkshakes through a funnel. CLARA (CONT'D) There.WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY What else haven't you told me? kids I don't know about? Any 20. Clara begins to peel it from the WRONG END.NIGHT THUNDER and LIGHTENING rage outside. Barney reaches over and hands her a BANANA off the table. don't you? BARNEY (beat) Of course. (beat) You still love your crazy Clara. trembling with white knuckle fear. They're locked in our attic. Dumfounded silence. Then -- Clara SNATCHES the pen from Barney's hand and signs the license in a flash.Yosel and Chaim.

I will speak in English. than back at Barney.DAY Barney runs through the halls of the hospital in Rome.mi dispiace . INT. The doctor looks at Barney incredulously.Clara Panofsky. Or maybe Charnofsky.HOSPITAL . Barney holds her tight as she flinches at another rumble of thunder. DOCTOR Then you must be an Albino.WHITE 10-23-09 CLARA I read somewhere this is how monkeys do it. lights up a cigarette. I am afraid the infant was a stillborn. in Italian) I need to find my wife . She may be crazy. DOCTOR (CONT'D) But your wife is healthy and will certainly be able to bear other children. frantically demanding help from the nurse's desk. then to his charts. I figured they should know. 21. DOCTOR'S OFFICE . CLARA'S HOSPITAL ROOM DAY She's sketching Barney won't Barney enters and sits at Clara's bedside. . Or Chambers. but she has her odd charms. CUT TO: INT. a picture of Barney on a pad as they talk.for our records. INT.DAY THE DOCTOR sits down. DOCTOR Signor Panofsky . look her in the eye. BARNEY I'm the father. (beat) I must ask if you know the biological father . Barney is speechless. BARNEY (to Nurse. AGOSTINO GEMELLI UNIVERSITY POLYCLINIC(HOSPITAL) .

I'm ready to talk now. Barney makes a bee-line for Cedric and SUCKER PUNCHES him. INT."what the fuck?". He just lost a son. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . CLARA I'm not going to let you divorce me! Barney is already out the door. incredulous grunt. (beat) Now put it away. 22. C'mon. . Barney looks at Boogie . Clara strokes his arm.WHITE 10-23-09 CLARA Every four hours they attach clamps to my nipples and milk me like a cow. it's disgusting to look at.DAY Barney walks down the hallway where his friends are gathered and looking somber. you really do wear your heart on your sleeve.DAY With an Barney helps Clara out of a taxi and into their apartment building. CLARA Okay. HALLWAY . (beat) I was sure it was yours-BARNEY Can we talk about this later? Barney is visibly hurt and angry.HOSPITAL .DAY Barney helps Clara onto the bed. BOOGIE Easy. Barney waits. Boogie jumps in and wrestles Barney away from Cedric. pours her a glass of water. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . man. BARNEY (up and leaving) I'll pick you up tomorrow. EXT. CLARA Oh Barney. The Countess and Leo are consoling Cedric. he walks off. INT.

Barney! Let's start over! Please. I'm not a pig despite what you might think. CLARA Wait! I'm sorry. Not all us Shiksa's are chumps. Barney walks out and never looks back. CLARA Surprise.someone who shops.CONTINUOUS 23. BARNEY (grabbing a few clothes) As always. Now you can finally go back home.WHITE 10-23-09 CLARA (CONT'D) I've already spoken with a lawyer. tongue your way into proper society and find yourself a nice Jewish girl . the color's come back into your cheeks. CLARA Come now. BARNEY Clara. BARNEY I'll move out tomorrow. your insight is dazzling. Now get the hell out while I try and rustle up a proper fuck. I never knew you had such a practical streak in you. STAIRWELL . Clara runs out and screams down the stairwell after Barney. Barney! Please! DISSOLVE TO: . I did you a great favor. (lights a cigarette) Look. If you divorce me I'm entitled to half your income for the rest of your life. INT. CLARA Oh look. You'll be able to entertain them all at the United Jewish Appeal galas with stories about Crazy Clara Chambers before she got famous. I'll settle for a year's rent on this dump and an allowance of fifty dollars a week.

BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . I forgot.DAY Barney is aggressively chopping vegetables as he prepares food. Boogie crumples some hash to roll in a joint.HOTEL CISTERNA . STAIRWELL . I need you. KITCHEN . INT. Barney looks at Boogie with disgust.VILLA DELLA FONTE . Sorry. .DAY Barney rushes in and finds a table set for a candlelight dinner for two. that. Shit. BARNEY Clara? He slowly moves through the apartment. Clara. INT. throwing the lighter at him on his way out the door. The candles completely burned away. He opens it and pulls out a HANDWRITTEN NOTE: CLARA'S VOICE (V.WHITE 10-23-09 INT. BOOGIE'S ROOM . 24.CONTINUOUS A charred chicken and a tray of latkes out on the stove. I'm sorry. BOOGIE Pass the lighter off the table. BARNEY My uncle Irv offered to get me into TV production. I think it's important we talk. He says there's all these tax loopholes in Canada that make it foolproof. I really do miss you. BARNEY When did this come? BOOGIE What? Oh. I'll even make latkes.. I think it came a few days ago.O. Please come for dinner tonight at eight. Barney reaches for the lighter. He sees an ENVELOPE addressed to him.) Dear Barney.. INT. Yours.DAY Barney runs up the stairs.

An empty bottle of sleeping pills at her side. Barney drops to her. Hands clasped behind his back. He is immediately drawn to a specific INK SKETCH: The completed sketch Clara started in the hospital: Barney. His eyes DISSOLVE TO: INT. stands there. CHARNOFSKY (50). drawn to look like Satan.. feels for a pulse. BARNEY Are you here about the apartment? CHARNOFKSY I'm Chaim Charnofsky. empty wine bottles. wakening to a POUNDING on the door.WHITE 10-23-09 INT. to a hung over Barney. His tie has been neatly rent (cut) with scissors. I'm Clara's father. An Orthodox Jew. snoozing on the sofa. black hat. studying the apartment. BEDROOM .CONTINUOUS 25. well up with tears. the abstract painting of Leo's.DAY PANNING OVER soiled laundry.. Rising unsteadily. Clara made it. Her sketches and poetry scattered all over the room. Are you going to invite me in? Still in a haze. ashtrays. black wool coat and a Van Dyke beard. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . Nothing. (beat) She said her parents were dead. Charnofsky wanders in.. Clara's Paintings". . Barney climbs over packed cartons labelled: "Clara's poetry. BARNEY The Russian? CHARNOFKSY Brighton Beach. Where Clara lies dead on the bed. Clara's Sketches. He opens the door. Your machuten. along with a group of demons ravishing a pregnant young woman who looks much like Clara. CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) Who would buy such a disgusting thing? BARNEY Actually. Barney steps to the side..

It all started when she was twelve. You should have a publisher look at them. I'm sure. BARNEY We lost him.MOMENTS LATER Barney pours them each a Scotch. He's a professor of literature at NYU. ink drawings. CHARNOFKSY Diaries. Charnofsky finishes his drink. May there be no more mourning in your house or mine. Ship them to my nephew. CUT TO: INT. diaries. (beat) You have a bisel Schnapps? 26. (looking Barney over) So you're the one she married? (off Barney's nod) I understand there was a child. but you should know this wasn't the first time my Clara tried to kill herself. but they provide us with an apartment. CHARNOFKSY I'm the Cantor of the B'Nai Jacob synagogue. It's not a princely living. He used to encourage her. (MORE) .WHITE 10-23-09 CHARNOFKSY She's been saying that since she was ten. (looking at boxes) Clara's things? BARNEY Her notebooks. Pours himself another. Poems. CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) I can imagine the guilt you're carrying right now. People think highly of her work. CHARNOFKSY So you lost a son and I lost a daughter. KITCHEN . you said? Filth about me and her mother.

God didn't place his daughter in the hands of a molester then apologize for any embarrassment she may have caused know why? Clara left a number two on the plate. It was a horror. She'd run away for days and sneak black boys into the house so the whole neighborhood could see. BARNEY God didn't lock a sick child in the attic. My wife wanted to die. BARNEY I think you should leave. CHARNOFSKY You dare speak to me that way? After all my wife and I endured for that child. the best in town. She was a danger to everyone. The Head Rabbi's son-inlaw. "I'm not Jewish". She would refuse to eat. "you're not my parents" she'd scream. You think Clara was grateful? "He felt up my tits" she would scream in front of everyone at the hospital. We did everything we could. BARNEY She was obviously sick. CHARNOFSKY What? I've upset you? BARNEY Get out of here. My wife would bring her food. went to Harvard. leave it outside the door. but only God determines the outcome. That's when I started locking her in the attic. CHARNOFSKY You're telling me? We went to Dr. 27. we'd have to force feed her chicken soup through a funnel. Once she goes to collect the dishes and lets out a shriek . then she would vomit all over me on purpose.WHITE 10-23-09 CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) Tearing her hair out in clumps. . Kupner.

. 28. Turns the burner off. mamzer. oysvorf. looking at the strainer quizzically. Sparsely decorated and immaculate except for his cluttered work area filled with papers and stacks upon stacks of books.CONTINUOUS CHARNOFSKY You couldn't have made her so happy either or she wouldn't have done that to herself. Barney's son. INT. in his Brooklyn loft.DAY . Barney stirring a pot of boiling pasta. CHARNOFSKY The man at the embassy told me she was dead two days before you found her. BARNEY Get out.BROOKLYN . BARNEY Get out NOW. I wish makkes on you and your unborn children! INT. It's ready. Two days! Where were you her loving husband?! An irate Barney takes a menacing step toward him.SAME TIME MICHAEL (26). He grabs the phone and dials. Charnofsky scrambles down the stairs. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . yelling back at Barney-CHARNOFSKY Murderer. BARNEY Michael. STAIRWELL OUTSIDE BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT .PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. He pauses for a moment. Pulls out a STRAINER from a cupboard.KITCHEN . MICHAEL'S LOFT .WHITE 10-23-09 CHARNOFSKY You act all high and mighty with me?! Barney takes hold of his arm and frog-marches him to the door and out into the hallway. INT.

? MICHAEL What? BARNEY I'm holding it in my goddamn hand the thing to strain pasta.. BARNEY Yeah..WHITE 10-23-09 MICHAEL Hi dad. INTERCUT BARNEY What do you call that thing you use for pasta. MICHAEL A strainer? BARNEY The other word. I heard about that. this is what you have to look forward to. 29. Barney prepares his pasta as he talks. MICHAEL How is it? BARNEY How would I know? I wouldn't read that garbage. MICHAEL This is why you called? BARNEY And to say hello.. BARNEY COLANDER. Beat. See. MICHAEL (CONT'D) I read online that O'Hearne's book finally came out. MICHAEL Hello. MICHAEL Colander. ..

Michael hangs up. She flips off her heels. but I did find a title: "The colonialist racial ideologies of Western modernism in Bellow's work". MOVE WITH BARNEY as he carries his bowl of pasta out to the BAR where he fixes himself a Scotch. She says hi. BARNEY . FLASHBACK TO: INT. Barney shuts O'Hearne's book. Thanks. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Dad. Caroline just got home. BARNEY No she doesn't.DAY . Caroline sneers.Barney and his uncle IRV NUSSBAUM posing at a Fundraiser for Israel. Just then. I have to go. gives him a kiss. How's the thesis coming along? MICHAEL It's not. Michael's fiancee CAROLINE (28) comes home.WHITE 10-23-09 30. which we now see was open and dog-eared on the counter. CAROLINE (whisper) Who's that? MICHAEL My dad.PAST TITLE: MONTREAL 1975 MICHAEL I gotta go. After pouring his drink he pauses for a moment to stare at one of the many personal photos hanging behind the bar. OFFICE OF IRV NUSSBAUM . A young lawyer in a power suit. When he walks away WE REMAIN ON THE PHOTO he was looking at: In Black & White . Sure. BARNEY Catchy.

IRV I'm going to trust you with a few pledge cards to begin with.DAY Lunch time. (nodding).. IRV --And no one does meat like Moishe's. Barney follows. and pickles to businessmen in booths. next thing we're wearing arm bands again. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE . While Irv is on the phone. the rules of the game: Never visit your target in the office where he's king shit and you're just another shmuck looking for a handout.. INT. IRV (into phone) --Abe. I don't have to tell you where things like this lead to .it starts with a turd. oh and you're coming for dinner this Friday... IRV NUSSBAUM (60).. Irv shakes hands with practically every big wig having lunch. cole slaw. Irv hangs up. pleased as punch. Now.CONTINUOUS Irv leads Barney through the factory. CUT TO: . Irv gets up and exits. good will come your way.. you know what happened last night? Some nazi punks took a shit right on the steps of the Beth Zion. Barney peruses a wall of PLAQUES dedicated to Irv for his efforts in supporting Israel. Black tie waiters carry big juicy steaks. Let's eat. FACTORY . That's why you can't get complacent with your support . right? Great. Barney is in the office of his uncle. You do good for Israel. wonderful. IRV (CONT'D) Donations go through the roof when shit like this happens.WHITE 10-23-09 31. You lure the lion out with meat -CUT TO: INT.we need Israel. that's right.

O. It could happen here.) --You slam dunk him on the Holocaust. insurance policy. He's certainly found his stride in 'proper' society. IRV This is my table. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE . Barney's sporting a good haircut and a nice suit. now seated. .NIGHT (1976) Barney's holding court a group of big wigs which include all the TARGETS and ROBERT LANTOS. insurance policy.DAY . BARNEY Who's to say it couldn't happen here? Israel is our insurance policy. CUT TO: INT. He's getting the hang of this.the real numbers.FLASH FORWARD He's getting a little more comfortable. I'll give you the target's annual income.COCKTAIL FUNDRAISER . Israel is our insurance policy. You sit here. Israel is our CUT TO: Barney with TARGET 2. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE . INT. INT. Israel is our CUT TO: INT. BARNEY (to Target 1) It could happen here.DAY .FLASH FORWARD Barney with TARGET 3. you tell him. Not the numbers on his tax returns .DAY .WHITE 10-23-09 MOVING WITH TWO NEW YORK STEAKS Which are brought to Irv and Barney. 32. nowhere else. Barney looks a little IRV (V. IRV'S CONDO . BARNEY It could happen here. green around the collar. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE .FLASH FORWARD Barney having steak with ROBERT LANTOS.

but it could happen here. I got a girl I want you to meet. this girl's got it all comes from a VERY good family. They're hitting it off. stylishly dressed. she has a master's from McGill. TARGET 3 Absolutely. 'JAP'. P You must be Barney. Irv's told me all about you. P (30). P sit in a corner away from the rest of the guests. producing. it's all the same dance. Viateur wearing my hair in a pigtail tied with this velvet ribbon (MORE) 33. and she's a real looker. IRV Listen. Sit. BARNEY Irv. boychick? Fundraising. Irv taps the shoulder of THE SECOND MRS. but tell Marv about the TV deal. SECOND MRS.WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY --And I hate to say it. voluptuous. Cute. IRV (CONT'D) What did I tell you. Irv escorts Barney away. IRV Gentlemen. I need to borrow my nephew for a moment. I don't need to be set up. Now listen. LATER Barney and The Second Mrs. The ultimate . SECOND MRS. standing in Reuben's Butchershop on St. we get that. TARGET 2 Is it a good show? ROBERT LANTOS It's a mound of shit but it's the best goddamn tax shelter I've ever had. P (CONT'D) --throughout the entire second year of my master's degree I kept having the same recurring dream where I'm 16 again.

dad.Did you know Reuben? He was such a card. .LATER Classical music. Her grating qualities aside. ON BARNEY AND IZZY IZZY (CONT'D) MAZEL TOV! BARNEY Dad. FORMAL DINING ROOM . walk up the steep steps.the WASPiest Jews you've ever seen. THE SECOND MRS. Panofsky.NIGHT Barney and IZZY (60). remember. fine china. Everyone eats in horribly awkward silence. stares at them coldly. IZZY I got it. she is sexy and the picture perfect Jewish wife. watch the language and mind the manners. Izzy's carrying a bottle of Scotch for a gift.WHITE 10-23-09 SECOND MRS. 34. IZZY Swanky. I bet you have a lot of interesting stories. Polish housekeeper.. They reach the door. SECOND MRS. Maybe Irv's right. P'S PARENTS MANSION . BARNEY So. Don't worry. The door opens-- Dinner with the soon to be IN-LAWS . EXT. The gentle tinkling of silver cutlery on Barney rings the bell. P (CONT'D) my Aunt Sarah got me from Saks -.. that's the housekeeper. his father. P Mr. When I was ten he'd come around from behind the counter and ask "how come a beauty like you isn't married yet?" So it's true your father is really a cop? That's why you're not a square like most of the Jewish boys I meet -what are you smiling about? You're a little devil aren't you. kid. It's clear they are far from happy about this union. INT. A short. having been a detective and all.

IZZY You can't be soft with these degenerates. gorgeous. handcuff him to the side-view mirror. he likes to push (MORE) 35. And I was just a beat figure it out". MOTHER-IN-LAW I meant for him.WHITE 10-23-09 IZZY Please. MOTHER-IN-LAW Have you encountered anti-semitism in your profession? IZZY What do you think? Let me give you an example: One of my first shifts on the job. BARNEY He means unnecessarily. that's so dangerous. I corner four guys doing a dope deal in an alley. IZZY Only when he blocked my view. You think they send anyone to help? The dispatcher says to me: "your people are good with numbers . Big score for a rookie. and I'm trying to play it by the book. call me Izzy. I call for backup 'cuz the rules say you can only put three in a patrol car. throw the fourth across the hood. MOTHER-IN-LAW Oh my God. I ain't gonna work for free. when a feller is young and you give him authority. . FATHER-IN-LAW Are you saying you were gratuitously violent with suspected felons? IZZY Gratuitously? I always got paid. So I toss three in the back. Jews don't get promoted to detective in this town. then haul 'em all in. IZZY Look.

.DAY (1977) Barney driving Boogie from the airport.MONTREAL AIRPORT . he hasn't slept for days. CUT TO: INT/EXT. Let's make a toast. But I had to be extra careful because I knew my name was Panofsky. Most? Did maybe your stunted by and not by FATHER-IN-LAW you ever consider that career advancement was your professional conduct imagined prejudices? 36. Under the table Mrs. Barney flinches. MOTHER-IN-LAW It's fish.. Barney and The Second Mrs. You never know what tomorrow brings.DRIVING . CAR . I wore my name on my badge for everyone to see and all I ever did was walk the beat.what a sweet little casserole you are. But you're the one with the mansion on the hill. P raises their glasses. The In-Laws don't even reach for theirs. Cutlery tinkling. P. So get to shtupping and multiply already. IZZY I call it like I see it. Izzy. Boogie looks like . The In-Laws set their glasses back down without sipping. And most of the time I was. IZZY (CONT'D) To the blessed match of our lovebirds. P) You got brains from him and beauty from her .WHITE 10-23-09 IZZY (CONT'D) people around. then drinks along with Izzy and Mrs. P squeezes Barney high up his leg. Everyone continues eating. IZZY (CONT'D) This chicken is great. so what do I know? (to Second Mrs.

It's been two months since I last heard from you. Do you think after the dinner I can slip out to catch the third period? BOOGIE I don't know. 300 guests. BARNEY Fuck me. are you sure you want to go through with this? We can turn around and be on a flight to Rome in a few hours . THE SECOND MRS. The band is ripping it up through a raucous HORA that carries over the following moments: Barney and his mates do the Hora the way it should be done.NIGHT questions asked. RECEPTION HALL . BARNEY That.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . PLATES LAND at various tables. Anyway. have I got stories for you. man. MOVING DOWN THE HEAD TABLE: The bride's side of the family all prim and proper -The Second Mrs. P talking with her mother -- . A huge affair. I have two tickets in the reds to the Stanley Cup game tonight.WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY I was starting to think you weren't going to show up. BOOGIE Has it really? Shit.NIGHT AN ARMY OF SERVERS burst forth from the kitchen carrying entrees. you haven't even met her yet. Lunch at Dal Bolognese on me. I have no doubt of.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . Brides tend to be a little touchy about things like that. RECEPTION HALL . P SQUEALING and BARNEY feeling queasy as they are HOISTED up and down on chairs. INT. INT. BOOGIE Listen. BARNEY C'mon.

dark and handsome enough.WHITE 10-23-09 MOTHER-IN-LAW Darling. BOOGIE/LEO/CEDRIC Mazel Tov!! INT. DANCEFLOOR IZZY --I was denied the first time I tried to get on the force because I was too goddamn short. Do you remember her dress? She looked like a futon. SECOND MRS. LEO AND CEDRIC toasting him. dark and handsome you most certainly are. And did you see how Marsha was looking at you? SECOND MRS. The BAND playing an upbeat number for a jam-packed dancefloor. IZZY making eyes at a curvaceous woman with a plunging neckline -. P Did I ever? Poison from her eyes she was so jealous. I was tall.Father-In-Law watching Izzy with disdain but maintaining a polite smile for appearances. BARNEY What's the score? One . BARTENDER Bruins just scored. His gaze is then drawn further down the table by -BOOGIE. I just have to tell you again how gorgeous you look. BARNEY .zip. P. then looks back to the dancefloor where he sees IZZY slow dancing with The Second Mrs. RECEPTION HALL . Barney downs another shot.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL .A BLACK & WHITE TV hidden behind the bar showing the hockey game. Suddenly. then I learned you had to clip a hundred dollar bill to your application. P Well.NIGHT 38. Shit. Barney slips out from the crowd and races to the bar -CU .

Irv.NIGHT Boogie emerges from behind the band. His FATHER IN LAW watching in disgust. knowing Izzy. shots. RABBI'S TABLE The Rabbi and the other guests are visibly horrified by Izzy's anecdotes. P It's me who's the lucky 39. Oh. Izzy and friends at the bar watching the game. Izzy. he's the lucky one. Then more shots. trust me. we're doing our thing and one of the clients some crazy Hungarian Nazi loaded on Slivovitz starts going ape shit . The Second Mrs. wiping his nose from having just done a hit of coke. RECEPTION HALL . P Barney! Your father is sitting with the Rabbi! Go to do something quick! She SHOVES him toward the table. INT.I never bust the girls. from where I'm standing. Anyway.but we do it for appearances. SECOND MRS.he comes at me with a chair. did my Barney ever luck out with you. Go Habs! BARNEY/BARTENDER Come on! And more They all do a round of shots.WHITE 10-23-09 IZZY Oh boy. P lunges onto him from out of nowhere-SECOND MRS. IZZY Sunshine. loves every minute of it.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . IZZY --so we're shaking down a rub and tug . one. they provide a valuable service . He joins Barney. Izzy grins and lays his head and her ample bosom. butt naked with a hard-on like a can of hairspray-- . AT THE BAR Everyone ROARS at a near miss.

IZZY (CONT'D) Your wedding present.WHITE 10-23-09 IRV Iz. what's in your pocket? IZZY I almost forgot. INT. love him more. the ENTIRE TABLE. IZZY What. What are you laughing at? BARNEY Come here.NIGHT IZZY Nice bunch of folks here tonight. At this moment he couldn't BARNEY (CONT'D) Dad. Izzy pulls out a GUN In Hanukkah wrapping paper. Barney gives his father a big hug. RECEPTION HALL . But then. BARNEY Dad. . Panosfky. I thought they'd all be snobby but I'm actually having a hell of a time. IZZY C'mon Rabbi. From inside his jacket. there are ladies present. disperses. 40. Izzy takes Barney to a quiet corner. everyone knows The Almighty tests the Jewish man with two great temptations: shiksas and bacon..RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . I'll be right back. maybe you should tone it down a little. like they've never heard about such things? RABBI Mr. As Barney escorts Izzy away.. except for Irv. can I steal you away for a minute? IZZY Don't anybody move.

Barney grabs a bottle himself and refills their glasses. forget it. Just as he is about to reach him.) .. BARNEY Thank you. Barney is mesmerized. BARNEY I don't know what to say. Gets his father in law in his sights. Slide out their glasses for refills.WHITE 10-23-09 IZZY (CONT'D) My first gun. classy. Barney turns away. pushing through the crowd. FATHER IN LAW Barney? Can I help you? BARNEY Uh.MIRIAM GRANT (28). something catches his eye that stops him in his tracks. 41. BARNEY POV ACROSS THE ROOM . BARNEY Where is that asshole? IZZY Barney. BARTENDER Your father-in-law said that neither of you was to have any more to drink. I want you to have it. (O. but then cuts right back -BARNEY (CONT'D) Don't ever tell my father what he can or cannot do again. FATHER IN LAW He traumatized the Rabbi's wife-BARNEY I don't care if he fingered her under the table. They walk to the bar. no. He's my father and he'll have your respect. don't embarrass me. striking eyes.. Gorgeous.S. Barney stomps off. IZZY Say thank you and get us a drink.

NIGHT 42. INT. not to mention really drunk. It's a Montecristo. BARNEY Oh. I'm Barney. MIRIAM Are you alright? Fine. notices the UNLIT cigar he's holding. MIRIAM Thank you for having me. Barney is like a nervous and awkward teenager. Miriam . BARNEY That's the name of my company. BARNEY Totally Unnecessary Productions.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . BARNEY We haven't met yet. (CONT'D) MIRIAM I understand you're in television.WHITE 10-23-09 Father-In-Law is speechless. She laughs. MIRIAM That's a little harsh. She grabs a box of matches from the table. And Barney sets out again for Miriam. She's chatting with a HANDSOME YOUNG MAN (JEFF) who excuses himself and goes to the bar. BARNEY Perfect. That's something he can never tire of. MIRIAM Your cigar is out. I'm Miriam. The entire moment incredibly intimate. RECEPTION HALL . Barney walks right up to her. As she lights his cigar and talks it's as if the whole world around him has disappeared. He emerges from a cluster of guests and spots Miriam. I wouldn't want it to bother you. MIRIAM Please. that's okay.

MIRIAM Nice touch.people who read them stories as they work. Over her shoulder he spots the Bartender waving to get his attention the score now 1-1. MIRIAM What is it? Nothing. BARNEY YES. hockey? You follow MIRIAM No. the workers favorite story was. 43. The workers who perform this task are called "torcedores".WHITE 10-23-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) Do you know why they're called Montecristo's? BARNEY Not a clue. but I do read newspapers. you guessed it. the Count of said name. MIRIAM Fine cigars are all still rolled by hand. don't you think? He's utterly smitten. . BARNEY The hockey game. At the factory which produces this Montecristo. BARNEY Are you doing anything later? We can still catch the flight to Rome. Lunch at Dal Bolognese on the Piazza del Popolo. MIRIAM Who's winning? BARNEY Habs just tied it up. Entertainment to make the day pass better. BARNEY Lectors. and they all chip in from their own wages to employ 'lectors' .

The kind who subscribes to The Economist then buys Vogue off the stand. BOOGIE (CONT'D) Oh. BARNEY Yes! SECOND MRS. I have to catch my train back to New York later. and with perfect manners. They knock glasses.WHITE 10-23-09 MIRIAM The bride may take issue with that. He stands. 44.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . Boogie sits beside him.) . works in radio now. don't you find? BARNEY Yeah . He stares at her walking away until-SECOND MRS. P She went to McGill with me. coked-up nose.why? SECOND MRS. Boogie rifles through his pockets then hands Barney a . INT. His tie loose around his neck. BOOGIE I'll never miss any of your weddings. P I see you met Miriam. LATER Barney downs yet another Scotch. I almost forgot. P Barney? The Second Mrs. She's such a snob that one.NIGHT (O. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Congratulations again. She nods. Anyway. P directly behind him. wiping his sniffling. rises and extends her hand.sure . takes her hand and would never let go if she didn't take it back. BARNEY Thanks for being here.S. he's drunk and looks miserable. Boogie. Now come explain to Judy and Leon that you don't make pornography. RECEPTION HALL .

WHITE 10-23-09 BOOGIE (CONT'D) Classy dame.. BARNEY I like you with glasses. BARNEY Who? 45. He drops into the seat next to her. So am I.NIGHT Barney darts out of the Ritz Hotel and jumps into a taxi. It's raining. . soaking wet. SECOND MRS. MIRIAM. where a porter is checking passengers tickets.HANDWRITTEN NOTE "CANADIENS 2 BRUINS 1 IN OVERTIME. INT." BARNEY (CONT'D) Boogie. passing from car to car. irretrievably in love. seriously.NIGHT Barney. Smart as a whip too. Boogie points Barney across the room to MIRIAM. for the first time in my life I am truly. so am I. CONGRATULATIONS. engrossed in a novel.NIGHT Barney makes his way through the train. sprints down the stairs into the station.. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . Barney takes a moment just to watch her. EXT.Herzog by Saul Bellow. INSERT . The Second Mrs. Just being able to look at her makes him feel good. Cars are honking. She's wearing her reading glasses. whom he finally spots. Shuts her book . people pouring out into the streets to celebrate their Hockey team's victory. P appears behind him. Traffic is at a standstill so Barney hops back out and decides to go by foot. CENTRAL TRAIN STATION . P Oh Barney. Thinking fast on his feet. INT. draping her arms around his neck. He sees the FLASHING LIGHT indicating the entrance to the NEW YORK CITY PLATFORM. She takes them off. TRAIN . looking for Miriam. Barney hurtles down the UPWARD rolling escalator to sneak onto the platform. She has her coat on and is walking out with the Handsome Young Man. She's stunned.

.WHITE 10-23-09 MIRIAM What are you doing here?! BARNEY Run away with me. Every word he says .D.) 46. Barney grins from ear to ear. BARNEY I don't have I.D. or a ticket. at a funeral.S. MIRIAM (CONT'D) This isn't funny! Get off this train right now. on my death bed.on your WEDDING NIGHT. (O. or stay with me. And I don't care if it happened on my wedding night.every breath between every word completely sincere and sober: BARNEY I can't believe this really happens. Beat. bent over backwards in love with you-CONDUCTOR (O. Miriam hands over her documents to the conductor.S. CONDUCTOR I. It's happened.) Leaving Montreal in two minutes! MIRIAM How can you say you're in love with me? We just met . MIRIAM What? BARNEY Run away with me. tickets.. It really does. or I'll go with you-MIRIAM Are you out of your mind?! BARNEY I'm heels over head. overtaken by an unfamiliar sense of euphoria. just like that.

Whether that was concern or hope is unclear. P'S PARENTS MANSION . TRAIN PLATFORM . THE GUN has fallen out of Barney's jacket onto the floor. Barney. Oops. The Second Mrs. Stein gave me a half a Valium-THUD. unconcerned with how utterly foolish he appears -and she smiles at him. P runs out and wraps herself around him.he's a mess. sits at the window. watching him still chasing after her. That smile is enough to melt his heart. Among other things. but won't look at him. MIRIAM Go home. Miriam But then her eyes turn to Barney. 47.the train LURCHES forward as it begins to pull out. sobriety and regret are anxiously waiting up for you. He stands . CUT TO: Ripped pants. Barney gets off the train.NIGHT The door opens revealing Barney . BARNEY You look fantastic in that dress. are you okay? We thought you were dead!! We called the police. THE SECOND MRS. Everyone falls silent. Barney finally concedes. the hospitals. . I was so ferklempt Dr. P Oh my God. FATHER IN LAW We thought you were dead. He runs faster into a flat-out sprint trying to get back on and then-TRIPS and falls HARD onto the concrete platform. INT. Barney steps inside. INT. SECOND MRS. bloody knee and palms.NIGHT Barney runs along with the train as it picks up speed.WHITE 10-23-09 CONDUCTOR Then you'll have to get off the train.

slightly. SECOND MRS. Barney is morose and ill-tempered. you should see the bathrobes we've got here. SECOND MRS.ROME .WHITE 10-23-09 EXT. She yanks him into a LINGERIE STORE. P Am I embarrassed? She stares him down for a moment. That perks him up CUT TO: INT. Barney and The Second Mrs. PIAZZA DI SPAGNA . SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS. P trying to manage a huge fold-out map of Rome.ROME . P (into phone) --Ma. P Do you have a Masters degree? BARNEY No. SECOND MRS. P I'm embarrassing you? BARNEY Yes. P Like with the bidet? BARNEY You didn't have to ask the concierge. We came to Rome to have fun not mourn the death of your first wife. BARNEY Could you put that away please? It's our honeymoon not a travel junket.DAY The Second Mrs. P (CONT'D) Snap out of it. On their honeymoon. P models her acquisitions for a bored Barney as she talks long distance to her mother.HOTEL . SECOND MRS. HONEYMOON SUITE . P are walking through the shopping district adjacent to the Spanish Steps. I could have told you what it was for.DAY 48. The Second Mrs. and the soaps are to (MORE) .

. SECOND MRS..M.DAY The Second Mrs. I'll talk to you tomorrow. DISSOLVE TO: INT. P (into phone) --It's from Dior... sure. 49.. Barney lays on the bed reading the sports section of the International Herald Tribune.. Arlene will die on the spot... Okay.H.HOTEL .. I'm just saying. Ma. I'll talk to you tomorrow. (MORE) .A.. I've already stuffed three bars in my suitcase for you. we do have a big family. I'm going to wear it to temple on the high holidays.ROME .. What's wrong with that? Would you prefer he be like cousin Cyril?. they banned Cyril from the men's locker room at the Y.. P It was beautiful wasn't it? BARNEY Lots of relatives. tell Daddy I love him. (beat) Who was that guy from Chicago? SECOND MRS. She hangs up and starts putting away the day's purchases. I wore it today and boy did I turn a lot of heads. Barney only likes going shopping when I'm buying lingerie. Of course I will. P My cousin Isaac? BARNEY Right. P cuts the labels off her designer clothes while on the phone to her mother. BARNEY You certainly do. BARNEY I was just thinking about the wedding. SECOND MRS. Okay. P (CONT'D) die for. P Well.WHITE 10-23-09 SECOND MRS. HONEYMOON SUITE .. SECOND MRS..

She gets onto the bed beside him. BARNEY Who was she again? 50. P With soap? . SECOND MRS. P I don't think so. P (CONT'D) Did you wash it like I asked? BARNEY Yeah. SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS. Nap? SECOND MRS.WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) And what about that girl. Beat. P slides underneath the covers and starts going down -. (gets under bedspread) I'm going to take a quick nap before dinner. SECOND MRS. P Miriam Grant. Oh good. I think she was from New York. the one in the blue dress. BARNEY Jeff seems gay. Right. My cousin Jeff brought her. P Good? BARNEY (covering) Better he should live a lie than inconvenience your family. SECOND MRS. P She was a few years behind me at McGill. SECOND MRS. the family. I didn't even invite her. P He just pretends for BARNEY The Second Mrs. Jeff is gay.but then POPS back up...

I took a cab. but instead of trying to make up for it. Hurrying down the street. P Okay.BOOKSTORE . COFFEE SHOP . BARNEY Sorry.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. We'll call her ORGANI-GIRL.DAY . I just got here. Barney squeezes through the crowd. BARNEY And how are you. a highly invasive procedure. gracing its cover.DAY . my favorite offspring? KATE To tell you the truth . (to Barney) You do something awful. I'm late. Barney passes a BOOKSTORE where a new biography of CLARA CHAMBERS is prominently featured in the window display. MONTREAL STREET .perplexed. 51.WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY Yes. It's like enduring CUT TO: EXT. She dives back under and starts in again.CONTINUOUS KATE is already waiting in line. KATE That's okay. accidentally bumping the young woman standing behind them without apologizing. (to cashier) Two double espressos. BARNEY What are you talking about? . BARNEY By what? KATE By you. you opt for something infinitely worse. SECOND MRS. INT. The familiar ink drawing she made of Barney drawn as Satan.

. No crazies today. it's time to lay off Blair. KATE Dad. KATE Doesn't it make you crazy? ORGANI-GIRL They just don't listen to anything-BARNEY (to Organi-Girl) Hey. Before that.this . They get their coffees and walk to the door. The man still can't fly out of the country. Blair is too much of a chicken shit to say anything. you signed him up to an Al-Queda website. haven't I? KATE You've upset not going to happen. ORGANI-GIRL (leaning in) My father does the same thing. BARNEY I've upset Claire. 52. flaxseed . before the recent phone incident you got Blair a subscription to "Boy Toy" monthly using his work address. KATE My point is. KATE No he didn't. You got divorced.WHITE 10-23-09 KATE Are you kidding? BARNEY I'm really not. She got remarried. (to Kate) Continue. BARNEY (kissing her cheek) You are truly my proudest achievement. BARNEY He stole her from me.

CONTINUOUS KATE There was no one rooting for a comeback more than I was. STREET . (MORE) Looks around. What? BARNEY Where did I park my car? KATE You took a cab. Stick to the facts. 53.WHITE 10-23-09 EXT. Barney stops walking. I think that's a sign of maturity. I like him. BARNEY (CONT'D) Why don't you come up to the cottage this weekend? KATE Actually. KATE (CONT'D) Confused. KATE An apology wouldn't hurt either. We'll see. BARNEY Nice boy? KATE No. he's a nasty piece of work. I have a date. but it's time to let it go. They're happily married. BARNEY Apologize to who? Kate gives up. BARNEY Right. I'm sorry. KATE He's very nice. . BARNEY They're married. BARNEY Funny. It's our third date and I'm not bored silly or madly in love.

From a distance. The gorgeous Montreal skyline INT/EXT. . Wearing a tight. she's tending to O'MALLEY who has a small cut on his forehead. Barney looks up but it's pitch black out there.NIGHT Barney is relaxing on the deck of his lakeside cottage.WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) (laughing it off) Well. BARNEY'S CAR .DAY Barney drives along a country road toward his cottage. this time a little closer. O'MALLEY Hopefully the weather will be more forgiving next time I pass through. Something RUSTLES again. A Montecristo.DRIVING . We now see why she was originally hired. INT/EXT. leans on the wood railing.COUNTRY ROAD . behind him. BARNEY'S CAR . Waiting for something to appear. I definitely need a weekend in the country.PAST (1978) A young Solange is acting in a scene staged in an obviously fake mock-up of an AIRPLANE COCKPIT SET. TV SOUNDSTAGE .DAY . trying to see through the darkness. reading "THE LIFE OF HEINRICH HEINE". nurse. Constable. 54.DAY Barney drives out of the city.DRIVING . O'MALLEY Thank you. he hears the faint sound of a TWIN ENGINE AIRPLANE approaching. Barney stands. EXT. low cut outfit. A RUSTLING comes from the woods. she's a total knockout. Macallan's. The sound carries over to -FLASHBACK TO: INT. DECK . Probably a squirrel.MONTREAL BRIDGE . SOLANGE Thank you for landing us safely. Hoping.COTTAGE . SOLANGE Well you can be sure my landing strip will be cleared for you.

WHITE 10-23-09 CUT! DIRECTOR (O. turning around! The crew go about 55. MIRIAM Barney. and the gifts every week it's something else. this has to stop. BARNEY Just skip ahead to where I've already gone from annoying and inappropriate to charming and endearing.OFFICE . A Miriam Grant-Barney BOLTS from his chair. Solange immediately bursts into tears. I don't know where to start with how inappropriate all this is. Look at her. OFFICE .SOUNDSTAGE . PRODUCTION ASSISTANT Barney.DAY BARNEY (into phone) Miriam?! INT. there's a call for you. INTERCUT BARNEY You got my flowers? MIRIAM I got the flowers. you'd think it just-BARNEY To let you finish that thought would be an insult to stupidity. NEW YORK RADIO STATION . DIRECTOR That was over a year ago.S. DIRECTOR (CONT'D) (to Barney) What's wrong with Solange? BARNEY Her fiancee died in a plane crash. INT.SAME TIME Miriam closes the door to a tiny office for privacy. .) Great. their business.

words matter. There's no doubting it's The Second Mrs. as you have in thought".MORNING A nouveau riche house in a nouveau riche neighborhood. Barney smiles. Actions matter. yes. BARNEY AND THE SECOND MRS. 56. MIRIAM What am I saying? BARNEY (beat) "Be great in act. P who decorated it. EXT. Do you understand me. BARNEY I'm so happy you called. exactly.WHITE 10-23-09 MIRIAM You're a married man and I won't be involved with you in any way. INT. then act accordingly.MORNING The furnishings of their home are excessive and overbearing. (curt) I have to go. I'm sorry. I could be there tomorrow-MIRIAM Are you listening to me? BARNEY Every word. P'S HOUSE . Why don't we talk about it over lunch. Stop this nonsense and focus on your marriage. . They have consequences. feeling like progress is being made. BARNEY AND THE SECOND MRS. MIRIAM (surprised) Well. Barney? BARNEY Yes. BARNEY I know. Thank you. If you want people to take you seriously. MIRIAM Really? Well. P'S HOUSE .

ma. The Second Mrs. She pulls out the familiar sketch CLARA made of Barney drawn to look like Satan. I'm watching my figure. No... deciding on something to hang. I know it's disgusting.. Okay... P (CONT'D) If you don't throw this out. I had to fire the maid. We just changed all the carpets. P (into phone) --I had a bowl of cottage cheese and fruit. KITCHEN ..... SECOND MRS. Looks at Clara's drawing again.. Listen. SECOND MRS. you have a wonderful figure for a woman your age. Well it's the only voice I have so if you don't like it we can start sending each other telegrams instead.CONTINUOUS Where Barney is reading the sport section with breakfast. rearranging knick-knacks.. No. It makes her gag.. P (re: Clara's Drawing) Get rid of this filth.WHITE 10-23-09 57.. P flutters about.. Why? Because when Barney and I would go out his father would sneak over and have sex with her. what did I say wrong?.... who do you think?. I have to go. BARNEY I'll bring it up to the country house. so don't eat bagels if they make you bloated.tuning her out completely. I still have to vacuum the Broadloom downstairs. Ma. I will. .... Barney continues reading . Ma. She hangs up. I wasn't talking to you. SECOND MRS. To the king of Macedonia. She carries it into the kitchen-INT... SECOND MRS. you asked!. P And make sure your buddy doesn't throw up all over the place.. Goodbye.... She's flipping through a stack of framed wall hangings leaning against a wall. I'll pick you up at noon. SHOPPING BAGS from high end department stores stretch along the entire length of the ground floor hallway.. With the phone tucked to her ear.

EXT. high. He looks like the full-fledged junkie he has become. FLEABAG HOTEL .DAY Barney waits in his car outside a fleabag hotel. P THIS. P Tell me something . His appearance is shocking to Barney. A quick peck on the forehead and he's gone. do you think the score somehow changed overnight? BARNEY (standing) I have to get going. THIS IS IMPORTANT!! BARNEY What's important? SECOND MRS. P (CONT'D) Barney! BARNEY Absolutely. BOOGIE Guess I don't qualify for the "you look great" greeting. . See you in a 58. In bad shape. P Do I talk down to you like that? BARNEY I really have to go. were at the game last night. Communicating. SECOND MRS. stumbles toward Barney's car. Boogie gets in the car. P BARNEY. Boogie emerges from the building. This is what marriage is. BARNEY Just get in. BARNEY (annoyed) You don't want Boogie puking all over the carpets and your mother's bloated.WHITE 10-23-09 SECOND MRS. Does that pretty much cover it? SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS. couple days.

SECOND MRS. I had to fix one more time. . BARNEY Surprise. SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS. P I thought I'd surprise you. Barney goes to the bar and fixes himself a drink. potatoes. looking very attractive in a tight fitting summer dress. INT. P Yeah. Barney pulls up to the cottage with Boogie passed out in the front seat. P is on the porch. drinking wine. COTTAGE . He's out cold. and he needed somewhere safe to kick. EXT. GUEST BEDROOM .NIGHT Dinner is already laid out. A roast.COTTAGE . P Just bring the bottle to the table so you don't have to jump up every two minutes. it's called rehab.COUNTRY HOUSE . (beat) I'm really going to kick this time.DUSK Barney drops Boogie onto the bed. DINING ROOM/KITCHEN . I was on a fifteen hour flight. A week locked up in the country and I'll be good as new. BOOGIE C'mon. BARNEY Do you want one? SECOND MRS. INT.DAY 59. THE SECOND MRS. P Why didn't you tell me this was why you were coming up here? BARNEY He asked me not to tell anyone. greens. Barney helps Boogie up the steps.WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) I thought you came here to kick.

WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY Wow. Barney storms out to the DECK. BARNEY Jesus Christ. no hesitation. This is ridiculous. P You don't know the half of it. DECK . Barney stares out at the lake. P Well played. SECOND MRS. the ray of sunshine that is you left the manager eager to tell me you have a standing order of roses to someone in New York every week. P Be a man. 60. EXT. P Stop. While usually discreet about their clients. BARNEY You're going to be very embarrassed when those show up. I called the florist. Barney. He won't look her in the eye. BARNEY What about it? SECOND MRS.COUNTRY HOUSE .CONTINUOUS She follows him out. are we ever in for a good time this weekend. SECOND MRS. She produces a BILL from 'GRAND FLORISTS'. SECOND MRS. You want to pick through every receipt I have? I'm not going to stay here and take this. Look what I found while going through your pockets. . BARNEY I've never been unfaithful to you. P So who are the flowers for? BARNEY An actress we're trying to get for a new pilot. SECOND MRS.

INT. Barney drops down across from him. EXT. Izzy reads the paper as he waits for Barney in a booth. COTTAGE . Fuck you. I don't understand what you want anymore.DAWN 61. . Now it's been months since we made love. P What's her name? BARNEY Can we talk about this in the morning? SECOND MRS. The sound of cicada.COTTAGE . Before we got married you couldn't keep your hands off me. EXT. It hurts her like hell.DAY Barney parks in front of Grumpy's and heads inside. I keep going back to that just to have something to hold onto.Barney". KITCHEN .WHITE 10-23-09 SECOND MRS. but she's not going to cry in front of him. And you are such a liar.MORNING Barney's cottage Wiping the sleep from her eyes. (beat) What happened? Why did you even marry me? He can't bring himself to answer her. She goes back inside. P Shmuck. The Second Mrs. The calm of the lake.DAY Two Scotches on the table. You say you've never been unfaithful. SECOND MRS. Call you later . is a true country paradise. SECOND MRS. It was the happiest moment of my life. so what is it then? (softer) On our wedding night I came up behind you and you were saying how hopelessly in love you were. INT. GRUMPY'S . P (CONT'D) I'm so ashamed. GRUMPY'S BAR . P No. P shuffles into the kitchen and finds a note on the fridge: "Had to go into town for the day.

(beat) Did you cheat? BARNEY No. listen. You come home from work and all they want to do is talk and all you want to do is screw and soon enough every (MORE) 62. What do you want from me? BARNEY Some paternal wisdom. IZZY Did she? BARNEY No.WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY I have to get a divorce. IZZY So what happened? BARNEY I'm in love with someone else. IZZY Boychick. IZZY You ask me here to talk and now you don't want to talk. In the beginning it's all briskets and blowjobs and la-di-da. IZZY Where'd you meet her? BARNEY You don't want to know. ain't life grand. . and then real life starts. Beat. IZZY Jesus Christ. IZZY Who? BARNEY You don't know her. I know how hard marriage can be.

WHITE 10-23-09 IZZY (CONT'D) day is like pushing an avocado through a cheese grater . Let's take a all just feels like you're holding shit in your hands. she's gonna take you to the cleaners. BARNEY Can we drop this? Just forget I ever said anything. You're married to a wellbred woman who's loaded. IZZY And you think that'll stop her from taking all of yours? BARNEY I don't care. IZZY So tell me her name. Many successful marriages were built on far less. flaky kugel and has a great rack. IZZY She's a tough cookie. Beat. 63. If you divorce her. She's going to inherit a shitload of money. Izzy registers the depth of Barney's true feelings. BARNEY Miriam. . BARNEY What are you talking about? IZZY Maybe you just need to take a step back before you do anything rash. makes a nice. hard look at the situation. BARNEY You know how rich her father is. IZZY Is that so? BARNEY Yeah.

He opens the door to find.. BARNEY'S HOUSE . my father was right about you-Barney holds the phone away from his ear as she drones on. hard sex until she sees Barney: SECOND MRS.COUNTRY ROAD . P. COTTAGE . . Barney drives up to the cottage.NIGHT Barney lays on the sofa watching TV. IZZY Alright then. Hears noises coming from the guest bedroom. and riding Boogie in the midst of hot. BARNEY (into phone) I'll be back tomorrow. let's do this.) You're leaving me with the junkie?! Are you with your whore? BARNEY No.COTTAGE . I'm too drunk to drive tonight. INT. Scotch. Cigar.MORNING Barney enters the house. Walks down the hall. SECOND MRS.WHITE 10-23-09 IZZY And is this the one? Is she the mother of your children? BARNEY Absolutely. P (O. BARNEY'S CAR . P AAAAAAA!!! The Second Mrs.DRIVING .. He considers responding. GUEST BEDROOM .CONTINUOUS The Second Mrs. INT. The RADIO NEWS tells us it's 8:25 AM.) So you do have a whore! You sonofabitch. INT/EXT.S. P rolls off Boogie and falls onto the floor with a cringe worthy THUD. but then just hangs up. INT.S.MORNING Still hungover. SECOND MRS. moaning. P (O. naked. 64. chugging coffee.

INT. BEDROOM . he smiles. The Second Mrs..COTTAGE . Things are looking up for him. Kicking and screaming. then. BARNEY My wife and my best friend.MOMENTS LATER In only her nightie... BARNEY You're so upset?! She hustles out and down the hall. sonofabitch-BARNEY My fault?! Barney follows her into -INT. P I brought him something to eat. his sheets were soaked. Barney is frozen with shock.. I still don't know how he got my nightie off.CONTINUOUS (CONT'D) In tears. He follows. SECOND MRS. spilling an open bottle of Whisky in the process. . HALL .COTTAGE . Once it does. P GET OUT! Barney backs out of the room.COTTAGE . P storms out of the guest room past Barney.. she throws on whatever clothes she can find. HALL . SECOND MRS. P We shouldn't talk about this now while I'm so upset. he was trembling. you bastard.CONTINUOUS It takes a moment for the situation to sink in. she scrambles to cover herself with the bedding.. INT.WHITE 10-23-09 65. SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS. I only laid down beside him to try to keep him warm. BARNEY It must have been magic. P This is all your fault.

EXT. COTTAGE . SECOND MRS. P You tell her yourself! No. P Bullshit.COTTAGE . She gets in her car.CONTINUOUS SECOND MRS. Boogie pours Barney a glass. Barney right behind her. I bet the two of you perverts arranged this together BARNEY Ha! I'm going to kill him for this. HALL . kicking up a cloud of dust in her wake. BARNEY I was coming back to try to work things out. BARNEY How could you do that to me? . P I'm going to my mother's. INT.WHITE 10-23-09 INT. then I'll come for you. starts the engine. BOOGIE What you should have done was call first.COTTAGE . rolls down the window. BARNEY Tell her we're getting divorced! She exits. and just for kicks. SECOND MRS. He's already very drunk. who reticently takes it. DEN . BARNEY I should kill you for this. your mother after that! Go to hell! SECOND MRS. don't she has a root canal today.MORNING Barney walks in to find Boogie chugging right from a bottle of Scotch.CONTINUOUS She goes toward her car. P Animal! She drives away. 66.

) I don't see any Scotch. DEN .. Boogie comes back up with an open WOOD BOX containing the GUN from Izzy. BARNEY So you fucked her? BOOGIE It was the only thing that would shut her up.she brought me something to planned this all along.WHITE 10-23-09 BOOGIE She did it to me. Boogie peruses Barney's book collection..S.tells me how you've been shirking your husbandly duties. started talking you know how that goes . BOOGIE (CONT'D) What do you say? Duel at high noon? But I don't think we have enough booze to get us there. More Scotch poured. I'm going to need you to do something for me. Ice is dropped into two tumblers. shmuck. Barney grabs the gun away from Boogie. He picks up Clara's . Testify that I came home to you in bed with my wife. but look here. Scotch in the kitchen. BARNEY That's loaded.. sketch that's leaning against the wall. BOOGIE You sly bastard .. He takes it out. INT. BARNEY Who could plan this? BOOGIE (O. Boogie shakes the empty Scotch bottle at Barney. It was innocent enough to start with .COTTAGE . They've gone through half the bottle and are visibly drunk. BARNEY Check the dining room. que sera sera.LATER There's more 67. waves it around.

who gets the residuals from her books? BARNEY I signed the rights over to charity right after she died. EXT. will you testify or not? BOOGIE I'll think about it. SUNROOM . Listen.she wasn't too bad a poet. You owe me. You must have a snorkel and flippers here. BARNEY Neither was I. 68. Boogie grabs the bottle of Scotch and heads to the sunroom. BOOGIE Well isn't this getting interesting. Hey. BOOGIE Really? BARNEY How many times have I bailed you out over the years? BOOGIE I wasn't counting.WHITE 10-23-09 BOOGIE Did you hear they named a new auditorium at Barnard after her? Crazy Clara Chambers .CONTINUOUS Boogie rifles through a trunk and finally comes up with a SNORKEL. Barney follows him out. . BOOGIE You sure about that? BARNEY When I had nothing. actually. I bet this is worth a pretty penny now. MASK AND FLIPPERS. But I'd like to go for a swim and think it over.COTTAGE . BARNEY You know what? It's time you came through for me for once. I borrowed for you. the gun still in his sweater pocket.

They break apart. BOOGIE Too fucking bad. BARNEY You're a fraud. BARNEY (CONT'D) What happened to you? . COTTAGE . I educated you. winded and woozy. BARNEY FUCK YOU.CONTINUOUS Boogie staggers toward the dock. you have. I put the right books in your hands. have I let poor Barney down? BARNEY Yeah. BARNEY Not so vulgar that you wouldn't bang her. and look what you've become. 69. A TV hustler. married to a rich man's vulgar daughter. BOOGIE And she wasn't the only wife of yours I had. EXT. Barney CHARGES Boogie. BOOGIE Oh. man? I brought you in.WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY How's your novel coming along? BOOGIE Are you asking as a friend or an investor? BARNEY Both. They start to wrestle but are too drunk to really take it anywhere serious. Boogie pushes through the screen door. drunk and barely able to walk a straight line. BOOGIE I'm still working on it. You know what. Next time I'm in New York I'll call on your tart and make it a trifecta.

I will! Barney fires a WARNING SHOT straight up into the air. Boogie slips on the flippers. bottle again. 70. BOOGIE There you go! But this time shoot it at me you fucking coward! See for yourself what's really inside this mossy. tilts his head back. do it! Barney stares him down. . dampened cavity you think is a heart. But good old Heinrich had only this to say: "God will surely forgive me after all. that's his fucking job". A silent rage boiling inside. Not your hope. you prick. who upon his death bed was begged by his loved ones to ask for God's forgiveness before he passed. BARNEY Don't count on it. Boogie grins. snaps on the goggles and the snorkel. stop! You're too drunk and you can barely swim anyway. I am not your pet project.. "The Life of Heinrich Heine". BARNEY Not my friend? Boogie doesn't even think to answer. Absolutely nothing happened to me. I'll shoot. C'mon. Not your vicarious life. BARNEY Boogie. He just swigs from the BARNEY (CONT'D) Do you realize you haven't come close to giving me an apology? BOOGIE Let me recommend another book to stock your shelf with. spreads his arms wide. and that's what you take as a personal offense.. BOOGIE I'm going for a swim.WHITE 10-23-09 BOOGIE Nothing. waddles onto the dock.

the gun FIRES -. DEN .MORNING UNIFORMED POLICEMEN and SEARCH DOGS scour the property around Barney's house.COTTAGE . Barney watches all this from the dock. BARNEY (calling out) BOOGIE? DISSOLVE TO: EXT. Barney turns and heads back up into the house.COTTAGE . DOCK . INT. see Boogie resurface.S. The PLANE . Barney's passed out on the sofa.DAY We DO NOT DEN . Barney hits the bottle hard . O'HEARNE (O.WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY Don't you fucking move. EXT. DEN . pointing the gun at Boogie -AND THIS ALL HAPPENS IN HAZY FLASH: Barney TRIPS -. INT.MOMENTS LATER Barney stumbles in.DUSK EVEN LATER Barney on the floor. DECK . It appears the gun fired into the air. There's a big fire a few miles east. DIVERS break the surface of the lake's water.DUSK He stumbles out to the porch. LATER The bottle now empty. flying over a distant hillside. A POLICE BOAT out there too.COTTAGE .Boogie lets himself FALL backward into the lake.) Busy day. woken by the the RUMBLING of a TWIN ENGINE shot after another. starting from a distance and approaching fast. still half drunk. INT. We can't be sure.COTTAGE . Barney drunkenly staggers forward.COTTAGE . but he could have easily fired in Boogie's direction. 71.

O'HEARNE That's kind of sick. DETECTIVE SEAN O'HEARNE. I guess. Got something to drink? INT. BARNEY They're wasting their time out there. younger. healthier than we know him to be. O'HEARNE Beat you to it. O'Hearne saunters through the house. O'HEARNE (taking out notepad) Oh yeah? What's her name? BARNEY She's dead. O'HEARNE (CONT'D) Twenty cottages burned so far. O'HEARNE Did you catch her fucking someone too? BARNEY She killed herself. BARNEY My first wife made that. slimmer. sipping the beer. emptied it of all the booze and pills he could find and moved on. O'HEARNE No break-ins have been reported.WHITE 10-23-09 72. He's broken into a cottage. steps up along side Barney.MORNING Barney opens the refrigerator and passes O'Hearne a cold beer.COTTAGE . KITCHEN . I told them I looked all over the lake in my boat. He stops at the FRAMED SKETCH BY CLARA leaning against the wall. . O'HEARNE But he leaves his clothes and wallet here? BARNEY He took someone else's clothes.

O'HEARNE You shot off the rounds before you walked in on them screwing? BARNEY No. missing? O'HEARNE So why are there two rounds BARNEY Boogie and I were horsing around.WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY What the fuck does that mean? called you guys. to me for protection. you did. . So why didn't you mention this gun? O'Hearne pulls out Barney's GUN. O'HEARNE Yeah. BARNEY Yes. in a plastic evidence bag. O'HEARNE By shooting off rounds? BARNEY We were drunk. BARNEY My dad is a retired cop. I 73. No shit. O'HEARNE This was after you caught him fucking your wife? BARNEY It wasn't like that. He gave it O'HEARNE (dawning) Are you fuckin' Izzy Panofsky's kid? BARNEY Yes. O'HEARNE After.

. . Barney grabs O'Hearne -BARNEY You keep her out of this-O'Hearne drives a knee into his groin. BARNEY Go to hell. O'HEARNE What are you doin' here. So tell me where the body is and I'll say you were cooperative and remorseful. BARNEY Are you a complete idiot? Why are you wasting your time here? Go find him! Have you thought that he might be hurt somewhere? O'HEARNE And what about this piece of ass you're keeping in New York . then again. Jesus Christ-O'HEARNE (take notes) Now we're getting somewhere. sending him to the floor. BARNEY Yeah. IZZY grabs O'Hearne from behind and throws him off Barney. and now he's missing. You threatened to kill them both. No one cares about a useless junkie anyway. then lays one into Barney's face.Miriam Grant.the florist gave us her name .. Unless you ate him. Barney lifts himself to one knee.WHITE 10-23-09 O'HEARNE So you did shoot him.. Panofsky? 74. you'll get yourself a smart Jew lawyer and be out in no time. O'Hearne kicks him in the gut once.. O'HEARNE Two bullets shot from your gun just after you caught your best friend banging your wife. right through his fucking heart. we'll find the body before sundown. when.

did you do it? BARNEY Dad! Of course not. talk to his lawyer.WHITE 10-23-09 IZZY I got a call from my son. TV SOUNDSTAGE . Let me get you CUT TO: INT. O'HEARNE He's goin' down for murder. IZZY (CONT'D) So. O'HEARNE Like you're one to talk. We've searched the area for three weeks. O'HEARNE --For the moment no charges are being laid. O'HEARNE Very sweet.DAY TV SCREEN IN THE GREEN ROOM O'Hearne is on TV responding to a crowd of reporters out in the Townships. IZZY Alright. some ice. Now you got anything else to say. 75. IZZY You leave your hands off him. alright. IZZY From where I'm standing this looks like police brutality. but he attacked an officer of the law. you don't have a body. (MORE) . IZZY Really? It seems those razor-sharp detective skills of yours missed one tiny detail. Izzy kneels to look at Barney's face. O'Hearne exits.

the papers you were waiting for just arrived-Barney bolts upright. .WHITE 10-23-09 O'HEARNE (CONT'D) No body has been found yet. CUT TO: INT. The phone rings. MIRIAM Hello? INTERCUT BARNEY Miriam. He rushes to the nearest phone.RADIO STATION . Panofsky. Barney is half-asleep as the crew sets up for the next shot. Our hands are tied. I'm divorced. MIRIAM Barney-BARNEY I'm going to be in New York tomorrow. 76. Miriam. and signs the marked pages. tears it open and pulls out his divorce papers. carrying a YELLOW ENVELOPE onto the soundstage. grabs the envelope. BARNEY Please. so this will remain a missing persons case even with the overwhelming circumstantial evidence implicating Mr.DAY Miriam sitting at her desk. RECEPTIONIST Barney. dials. BARNEY Lunch? MIRIAM No. OFFICE . How about dinner? MIRIAM No. BARNEY Miriam Grant please. PULL OUT from the TV and follow the RECEPTIONIST.NEW YORK .

great... A sunny morning in the big apple. BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE . CU .. three suits. If you decide you don't ever want to see me again. make that two bottles and two dozen roses. Waiting. Just once... MIRIAM Is the ink even dry yet? BARNEY Let me check.. four ties laid on the bed. HOTEL . Miriam chuckles. Waiting. Pours them over ice.. Grabs TWO Mini Scotches.MORNING Flying over Manhattan. . 77. EXT. This is idiotic.NEW YORK .. Barney is sitting at the desk in his hotel suite. and a dozen long stem roses brought to my room at exactly two o'clock. Herzog.He UNLOCKS the MINI BAR. Long beat. He starts pacing. scribbling on hotel stationary: "Conversations Topics: All The President's Men. MIRIAM Honestly? BARNEY I swear.. Alphonse Daudet. INT. HARD CUT TO: EXT.MORNING Barney pulls up to the hotel in a cab and enters. well chilled.WHITE 10-23-09 Beat.MORNING Two pair of shoes. NEW YORK CITY . Then dials the concierge. BARNEY (CONT'D) It's only lunch.. that's it. well." Barney drops his pen... The clock reads: 10:03 AM.NEW YORK CITY . BARNEY (into phone) I'd like a bottle of Dom Perignon.

HOTEL RESTAURANT . HOTEL RESTAURANT . BARNEY I'm so happy you made it. pats himself dry.WHITE 10-23-09 He does the same again . BATHROOM .DAY Barney splashes his face with water. Takes a deep breath. pressing himself against the wall and spying on-MIRIAM Being led to their table. INT.DAY 78. BARNEY HI. drunk. MIRIAM Yes.TABLE . Sweaty. he walks a short corridor back into the restaurant. Barney doesn't look so good. clammy. Even more gorgeous than the first time he laid eyes on her. Barney's seated at a table. She's a heart stopping vision.and again . at himself in the mirror. Just as he turns the corner he CUTS BACK and hides. pale. startling her. BARNEY Great. and no.DAY Looks AT THEIR TABLE Barney drops into his seat across from Miriam. The swanky hotel restaurant is filled with the lunch crowd. INT. INT. HOTEL RESTAURANT . Champagne? (MORE) . MIRIAM Hi. INT. well-BARNEY Have you eaten? Is it hot in here? MIRIAM No. He rattles the ice in his empty tumbler at a passing waiter.and again.DAY From the bathroom. HOTEL RESTAURANT . nervous as hell. He's dressed to the nine's but sweaty.

WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) This is an occasion, we should have champagne, don't you think? (grabbing waiter) A bottle of Dom Perignon. (to Miriam) Did you want to order now? MIRIAM I haven't looked at the menu yet. BARNEY Of course, take your time. (to waiter) Just the Champagne. And some Beluga. The Iranian stuff, the Russian is too salty... (to Miriam) It is hot in here... Barney opens his collar.


Perspiration forming on his brow.

MIRIAM Are you okay? BARNEY I'm great. There's so much I want to talk about... Oh, I know - have you read, uh, what's it called... give me a second-MIRIAM Barney, hold on. I want to be clear on something. I hope you didn't get divorced on my account. BARNEY Of course I did. MIRIAM You hardly know me. The waiter arrives with the Champagne. BARNEY Wonderful, now we can celebrate. MIRIAM Celebrate what? The room begins to tilt and sway. Barney's panicking, desperately trying to hold it together.

WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY (slurring words) Now that I'm no longer a married man we can... we're finally here together... you, me... MIRIAM Barney, are you alright? BARNEY Excuse me. He BOLTS toward the MEN'S ROOM. INT. BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE - DAY Barney is throwing up into the toilet of his suite. pulls the bathroom door shut. Then, there's a KNOCKING at the front door. VOICE (O.S.) Room service.



CUT TO: INT. LATER Miriam is sitting in an easy chair, her legs crossed, reading the New York Times. Barney stirs awake. She moves to sit at the edge of the bed. MIRIAM How are you feeling? BARNEY You're never going to speak to me again I'm going to kill myself. Beat. MIRIAM Are you done? BARNEY Please don't leave. She reaches for his page of HANDWRITTEN CRIB NOTES titled "conversation topics". BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE - DAY

WHITE 10-23-09 MIRIAM What would you like to talk about All The President's Men, Herzog or Alphonse Daudet - nice reference, by the way. BARNEY I'm an idiot. MIRIAM Don't be so modest. You obviously expected me to come up to your room. BARNEY Never. MIRIAM So the champagne and roses are for another woman?


Barney lifts his throbbing head to see for himself. Sure enough there's two bottles of champagne and two dozen roses. BARNEY Oh God... He covers his face and begins to MOAN. Miriam finds it all utterly amusing. She pries his hands from his face. MIRIAM Why don't you get cleaned up, we'll get some fresh air, and maybe a slice of pizza. I'm absolutely starving. Off Barney's delight -EXT. STREET - CENTRAL PARK - DUSK They stroll along the park. Barney rambles on, desperately trying to keep Miriam engaged. He hardly even breathes between words. BARNEY --"The Big Apple" is actually an old racetrack term, credited to John Fitzgerald - a sports writer for the herald in the 30's. He'd heard old stable hands from Mississippi use it when referring to the New York racetracks. Getting to race in New York was considered hitting the big time - getting a bite of that "Big Apple" and I'm just going to keep talking because I'm afraid if I stop (MORE)

Ever. BARNEY Anything. That's what gave her cancer. 82. I don't want it to happen. EXT. Mind and body. BARNEY Yeah. (beat) It killed my mother. MIRIAM No. . more intimate.NIGHT They walk along the East River. And then he finally just runs out of steam. They stop walking and face each other for what seems like an eternity to him. or a break. BARNEY I would never do that to you. Their body language now MIRIAM --I adored my father. The pause. where you'll say "it's getting late" or. Until I found out he was sleeping with every factory girl he could get on the side. It devastated every part of her. MIRIAM I'm still here. it's not.WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) there's going to be pause. MIRIAM I want one thing from you. Heart and soul. And that will never happen to me. Beat. BARNEY That's a bit unfair. EAST RIVER . "I should probably get going" and I'm not ready for that to happen. MIRIAM There it was. He was my hero.

He knows he needs to come up with something good. Together they fall into an embrace neither will ever forget. NOTARY --And do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? MIRIAM I do. It's made up of little things . Only closest friends and family are in attendance. That's not real. you're not going to do that.DAY (1979) Barney and Miriam have an outdoor wedding ceremony at his cottage. We're going to be needing it. MIRIAM Well. Miriam. Don't answer 'anything'. She kisses him. After all you've done to pursue me. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. Right away. that's what scares me about you. . He SNAPS it shut for effect. and life is real. BARNEY (CONT'D) I'll cut it off. NOTARY And do you-BARNEY I sure as hell do. I'll do anything for you. Barney thinks hard. MIRIAM Now you're offering to be my eunuch? BARNEY Like I said. Then he rifles through his pocket and pulls out a CIGAR CLIPPER. 83. including Solange and Jeff (from the wedding) and his boyfriend.WHITE 10-23-09 MIRIAM See. and that has to be enough.minutes and hours and errands and naps and routine. how can I ever trust you? BARNEY That's a reasonable question. COTTAGE .

NIGHT He kisses her. Guests are still up at the house. Then it won't make you cry. She wraps her arms around him from behind. Barney. staring at the lake when Miriam joins him. slow dancing. INT. BARNEY Really? . drinking. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Everyone CHEERS! EXT. Barney is out on the dock alone. The party is winding down. MIRIAM Oh. grabs Miriam and gives her a hard kiss on the lips. 84.DAY Barney is chopping an ONION as he prepares lunch.DAY (1982) Barney and Miriam's apartment. BARNEY He promised he'd never miss any of my weddings.WHITE 10-23-09 Barney can't wait another second.COTTAGE . put it in the freezer. BARNEY What? MIRIAM Put the onion in the freezer for a few minutes before you chop it. Miriam kisses him tenderly then takes him by the hand and leads him back up to the house. on the porch. CUT TO: EXT. who is only a few months old. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . His eyes filled with tears. It's a beautiful night. DOCK . (Where Barney still lives). BARNEY How did I not know that? MIRIAM I think he's ready for his nap.KITCHEN . Miriam walks in carrying MICHAEL. tears already streaming down his face. IZZY MAZEL TOV!!! Izzy.

He runs and leaps onto the bed. BABY'S ROOM . holding onto this moment of perfection. Michael is bored silly as any young boy would be. Barney looks out at the stunning landscape. takes a deep breath.DUSK (1994) A perfect day. typical Izzy-ism. BEDROOM . and his gorgeous wife. BARNEY Barney expects a . TIME DISSOLVE TO: A SERIES OF STILL IMAGES MOVE US FORWARD IN TIME: CUT TO: EXT. He opens his eyes. COTTAGE . Michael (12) and Kate (9) play frisbee by the lake with Miriam.DAY Then look at 85.WHITE 10-23-09 INT. They laugh hysterically as they roll around and start to make love. Barney and Izzy sit on the deck. The sun is setting. He closes his eyes. drinking Scotch. Izzy puffs away on his cigar. COTTAGE . leaving it at that. The sky a perfect orange hue. Barney appears in the doorway in his boxers. BARNEY Anything? Izzy's watching him.DAY They watch Michael fast asleep in his crib. kid. What? IZZY You did good.LAKE . Miriam is already naked and waiting with her best "come hither" look. each other with mischievous grins -INT.DAY (1995) Barney and Michael (13) are fishing in a small outboard motor boat in the middle of the lake. their feet up. his children. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. smoking cigars.

BARNEY (yanking on rope) No . BLAIR (O.BLAIR (52). and again.MOMENTS LATER Miriam hands Blair a glass of Iced Tea.just needs a little-He TEARS the rope right out of the motor.) Need any help? PADDLING toward them in a canoe . . He tries again. BARNEY (CONT'D) I'll get it. I just .WHITE 10-23-09 MICHAEL No. dad. Harmless. Tree hugger.KITCHEN . BARNEY A nibble? MICHAEL No. Soft.harder. BARNEY Tell your mother we threw them all back. 86. The engine won't turn. BARNEY Burgers? MICHAEL YES. BLAIR I'm renting a cottage here. working up a big sweat. He takes a breather. INT. Barney lays down their rods and pulls on the RIPCORD. BLAIR Just toss me your anchor rope and I'll tow you in. angrier. Again . COTTAGE . Don't worry.S. Beat. Michael stares blankly at him. moved from New York.thanks .

Ronald Lewis is an old friend of mine. BLAIR Where? MIRIAM It's a little jazz station. MIRIAM You're kidding? He gave me my first job. Really? At WZAJ.) Yeah. BARNEY (calling out) Michael. but thank you. BARNEY I was going to throw some burgers on the bar-b-que. BLAIR Isn't that coincidence. and I should paddle back before it gets dark. They all say goodbye and Blair exits.WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY What do you do. MIRIAM I used to work in radio in New York. BLAIR I don't want to impose. . BLAIR Sure I know it. It was lovely to meet the both of you.S. Blair? BLAIR I work in radio. want to do the bar-b-que? MICHAEL (O. The universe works in strange and mysterious ways. 87. Want to join us? BLAIR I'm a vegan. A what? BARNEY Is that treatable? MIRIAM I could make a salad.

He answers. Michael. CU . I land at five. The bar-b-que is lit.. COTTAGE . Miriam carries hamburger patties out to the boys when they all hear -RRRRR . As always. Barney grunts and waves half heartedly. I'm Miriam Grant. MIRIAM (V. Alphonse from Montreal: Leonard Cohen's "Dance Me To The End Of Love".MOMENTS LATER 88. BARNEY Hello?.the sound of an outboard motor. EXT. And I re-attached the rip cord. I'll just grab a cab to your place. thank you for listening.. The song continues over -- ..KITCHEN . BLAIR (yelling) It was just a loose distributor wire.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY.) --and we're going to end our program with a request from our regular listener.BARNEY CRYING As he chops an ONION while cooking dinner. They all look down to the lake where they see Blair standing on the dock. MIRIAM That was nice of him. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . okay... pressing his sleeve to his eyes to halt the sting... The phone RINGS. Blair waves. CUT TO: INT. love you.. hi. then hops in his canoe. He hangs up. Miriam's RADIO SHOW plays on the radio.WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY Fire it up.O.DECK .NIGHT .

business suit. He grudgingly taps out the cigar.BROOKLYN . I have to get up early. of course. A belligerent Barney coupled the disorderly mess of the apartment is the last thing she wanted to end her day with. He sees a young couple kissing in the same spot where he and Miriam first kissed. Barney is yelling at the TV. briefcase. CAROLINE (to Michael) Didn't we agree to no cigars in the house? Barney looks to Michael for backup. but is met with silence. CAROLINE Turn that down please. Barney riding in a yellow cab with a bag from SCHWARTZ'S on the seat beside him. She heads off to the bedroom.NIGHT Barney and Michael watch a hockey game together. MICHAEL'S LOFT . CAROLINE I thought you were going out for dinner. halfway through a bottle of Scotch and smoking a cigar. Michael scowls at Barney.WHITE 10-23-09 INT.NEW YORK CITY . CUT TO: INT. . MICHAEL (apologetic)) Dad brought in smoked meat from Montreal. The table littered with remnants of a meal from Schwartz's Smoked Meat. BARNEY (yelling at TV) Useless goddamn pansy ref.DAY 89. BARNEY Am I still allowed to use the bathroom or would you prefer I leave my business in paper bags by the door? Recyclable ones. get your head out of your ass!! Caroline enters . Michael greets her at the door. TAXI .

That's what I see the way MICHAEL What are you talking about? . not coming back to you. Tell your mother from this moment on she is forgotten. BARNEY Spare me the sermon. Nothing but a wisp of gray on the otherwise full. she looks at me. dark mane of my life. BARNEY So you're speaking for your mother now? MICHAEL Just leave them alone already. if not the poetry... Good-night. MICHAEL I'm sure she'll appreciate the sentiment. Not with us. it's not. She's BARNEY If that's what you're so angry about. You can't keep acting this way. MICHAEL What? BARNEY What have you told her about me? MICHAEL I tell her everything. Erased. dad. 90. then fine. BARNEY Chicken and the egg. MICHAEL Maybe she wouldn't hate you if you didn't behave like a child. couples do. Michael starts to walk out-BARNEY Michael.WHITE 10-23-09 What? BARNEY The woman hates me. MICHAEL No. or Mom and Blair.

BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . INT. BARNEY (CONT'D) Do you think I could have possibly done that? Beat.PAST (2000) A KETTLE WHISTLING. what do you tell her? Michael doesn't answer. Michael exits. a CAR ALARM has begun to whine. . Barney pours two cups of tea. squeal turns into -- INT.. (beat) When she asks about Boogie. MIRIAM (re: on TV) That's Taylor Gates. 91.KITCHEN . Miriam is on Then smells a jar of HONEY. He simply deflates. Barney readies himself for one of the hardest things he's ever had to ask. MICHAEL Only you really know. the sofa watching a NEWS MAGAZINE PROGRAM. That devastates Barney. not sure if it's still good. She can't even be bothered to hide it from me. Its incessant FLASHBACK TO: From outside.CONTINUOUS Barney carries the tea and honey on a tray. BARNEY (re: honey) Tell me if this is still good.WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY I saw O'Hearne's book on her night table.. DEN .NIGHT . How could you let her read that? She even has all these pages dog-eared in it.

Michael (now 18) and a few buddies have loaded the last of his things into a small U-Haul. I'll be . It's off to college. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Everyone seems to be doing pretty interesting things nowadays. MICHAEL Mom. shutting down the conversation. She could barely string two words together. uses the honey. Miriam curls herself into the corner of the sofa.WHITE 10-23-09 MIRIAM She was my intern before we got married. She passes it to Barney who is still not convinced it's edible. I'm not going to war. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT BUILDING . Miriam grabs a magazine from the coffee table. Miriam drips the honey into her tea without smelling it.MORNING Autumn. back for thanksgiving. Barney shrugs. MIRIAM (crying) My baby. BARNEY Ever? MIRIAM Archeologists found honey in Egyptian tombs thousands of years old and it was still edible. BARNEY Giving birth and raising two amazing children is pretty interesting. EXT. 92. now does it? BARNEY Miriam-MIRIAM It doesn't matter. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Honey doesn't go bad. MIRIAM But it doesn't command much respect. feeling depressed.

Maybe even on air. dad. BARNEY I love you. KATE Take care of yourself. BARNEY He had to move out eventually. starts to pull out. (beat) I want to go back to work. It's just research and writing for now but it could lead to other things. I've been thinking about this for a while. I'm going inside. MICHAEL No selling dope. Don't start 93. MIRIAM Okay.WHITE 10-23-09 She kisses Michael one last time. Miriam stares absently at her plate. MICHAEL (to Barney) Any last words of wisdom? BARNEY You need money. A quick goodbye to Kate (16). Her food only half eaten. Got it. else? Barney takes him in his arms. Anything . selling dope. She sets down her cutlery. Her mind elsewhere. ask me. Blair said he can get me freelance work.DAY Barney and Miriam having lunch out in the lush. MIRIAM I know. That's not it. beautiful garden of the Ritz. MICHAEL I love you too. BARNEY Pull over if you get tired! EXT. Michael jumps into the truck. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL GARDEN .

But Michael's gone. I have to believe I can be something other than just a wife and mother. Barney sulks. BARNEY Thank you. MIRIAM I knew how you would take this. BARNEY It's just that I've worked this hard so you wouldn't ever have to. MIRIAM It was important. Jean. (MORE) . JEAN How is everything? MIRIAM Excellent. So you could be here with the kids and me. BARNEY Then in which way? JEAN THE MAITRE'D comes over. MIRIAM Stop that. 94. and you're as grown up as you'll ever be. BARNEY I'll quit working. We both agreed that was important. Not in the way you're trying to get at. soon Kate will be too. BARNEY (beat) Are you unhappy? MIRIAM No. JEAN May I get you anything else? We're fine. polishing off his wine. Jean leaves. as always. Where does that leave me? I need more stimulation in my life.WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY And I'm sure Blair will do everything he can for you.

CBC RADIO STATION . MIRIAM . Would you excuse me. (beat) I need to do this.. Mr. get a Villa on Lake Como. The staff on the other side of the glass APPLAUD.HALLWAY . BLAIR Are you kidding? It was fantastic. 95. Thank you. MIRIAM Thank you. I don't want you to. Miriam lets out a big sigh of relief. that's all the time we have. travel.Well. BLAIR Really. I'm going to call Barney.WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) We'll retire early. A hundred percent. . Whatever you want to do. Dalhousie. He fakes through the deep panic he's feeling inside. MIRIAM I hope that wasn't too painful. BLAIR Of course. CBC RADIO STATION . you're a natural.. MIRIAM You can't just fix this like you do everything else. I'm behind it.NIGHT Miriam interviews a distinguished looking man on the air. Thank you so much for coming in. GUEST It is was a pleasure.MOMENTS LATER Miriam walks down the Hall with BLAIR. Blair. The ON AIR light turns OFF. INT.BOOTH . MIRIAM Stop it. Miriam. INT. Can you try and understand? BARNEY Of course. go to Italy.

BARNEY'S CELL PHONE .NIGHT Miriam hangs up. that right? BARNEY (beat) Yes. HALLWAY .on the bar. GRUMPY'S BAR .BEDROOM .NIGHT The phone RINGS through an empty house. BARNEY I was at Grumpy's watching the game. INT.WHITE 10-23-09 INT.NIGHT Barney is sitting at the bar. INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Barney is about to crawl into bed-- MIRIAM Where have you been? Miriam turns on the bedside lamp. quiet apartment. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . The INT. MIRIAM But you missed my first on air interview because you were drunk and watching a hockey game. doesn't hear it.CONTINUOUS Miriam is already asleep. bar ERUPTS at a bad penalty call. BARNEY What the hell kind of call is that??!! INSERT .CBC RADIO STATION . I just lost track of-MIRIAM This was important to me. He's drunk He 96. ringing. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Upset that Barney didn't answer.LATER THAT NIGHT Barney tiptoes into the dark. You knew . INT. MIRIAM Did you hear my interview? BARNEY I'm sorry. watching the hockey game. and trying very hard to be quiet. like you've done a thousand times before.

WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY (beat) Yes. MIRIAM Okay. I wanted to be sure we're clear on what happened here tonight. Miriam flips back over and turns the lamp OFF. BARNEY Should I sleep on the sofa? She turns the lamp back ON. MIRIAM Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're not sleeping on the sofa, we don't sleep apart. Good night. She turns the light OFF. EXT. CEMETERY - DAY Barney has accompanied IZZY to his Mother's grave. IZZY You got yourself a plot yet? BARNEY No. IZZY You should get one. fast. The good ones go


Izzy places a rock on the double headstone: ESTHER PANOFSKY - 1925 - 1972, Wife to Izzy, Mother to Barney. Engraved beside hers is Izzy's name: ISRAEL PANOFSKY BARNEY You okay? IZZY Sure. But he's not very convincing. BARNEY I was thinking, why don't you move in with us? Now that the kids are gone we have more than enough space.

WHITE 10-23-09 IZZY Thanks, but no thanks. BARNEY I don't like the thought of you being alone. IZZY I'm not alone. See that? That's alone. Izzy points to a single grave beside theirs. IZZY (CONT'D) Buried alone. No wife. No kids. That's alone. I'm going to be right here with your mother. When you get to my age you'll see what a comfort that is. BARNEY I know it must be hard without her. IZZY I'm used to being without her. need to get laid. BARNEY (walking away) Jesus Christ... IZZY What? How long have you ever had to hold out, Mr. THREE wives! INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - DINING ROOM - NIGHT I


A group of Miriam's friends including BLAIR, are over for dinner. Blair holds court while Barney broods over his Scotch, bored and annoyed with Blair's politically correct discourse. BLAIR --I think it's fair to say that in 50 years we'll look back on this time and our inhumane treatment of animals for the sake of mass consumption, as a shameful and barbaric chapter in our history, much like how we perceive segregation or McCarthyism-Barney can't stand another second of this. brings a cigar back to the table. He gets up and

MIRIAM Barney, please don't smoke that. You know it irritates Blair's asthma.

WHITE 10-23-09 Without a moment's pause, Barney heads out to the den. EXT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - DEN - CONTINUOUS The dinner


Barney lights his cigar with great pleasure. guests continue with their conversation. INT.


Barney crawls into bed with a moan. Miriam's reading. Barney stares at the ceiling, exhausted. Long silence. Miriam sets down her book. MIRIAM If you can't at least be civil with my friends then don't bother joining us. BARNEY I thought I was perfectly civil. MIRIAM You fell asleep at the table. Beat. MIRIAM (CONT'D) I forgot to ask, how was the cemetery? BARNEY Good times. The phone RINGS. Barney groans. Reaches for the phone.

EXT. MASSAGE PARLOR - NIGHT A non-descript building with a red neon sign: MASSAGE. parks right in front, then enters. INT. MASSAGE PARLOR - RECEPTION - NIGHT PUSH IN through a beaded curtain and into the waiting room of an old school "rub and tug" massage parlor. The Madame, GOLDIE (45) is consoling a working girl, who is sobbing. Goldie looks up at CAMERA -GOLDIE Barney...? Barney nods. She takes his hand. Barney's eyes searching. He's at a loss. She takes him by the arm and leads him down the hall. Barney

Barney reaches into his pocket.. Izzy's body lays on the table. pressing it to his forehead. GOLDIE He didn't get a chance to settle up. At least he went happy. peaceful. GOLDIE (CONT'D) He talked about you all the time. thanks.DEN .stares at it quizzically . hands her a couple hundred from his wallet. BARNEY You sure you don't want anything? KATE (O. the girl left the room to get a hot towel. half-grin on his face.S.PRESENT Barney grabs an ice cube from the freezer for his Scotch.NIGHT .CONTINUOUS 100. . covered in a white sheet. MASSAGE ROOM . takes in the room. Then he squeezes it tighter. She stops in front of room #4. CUT TO: INT. The lighting dim. a box of kleenex. patting his father's hand.. Barney enters. leaving him alone. Goldie shuts the door. A Barney sits on a small chair beside the body. and starts to cry.LATER Barney exits the room.then puts it back. The walls bare.) No. She opens a door and lets Barney go in -INT. holding it with both his hands. MASSAGE PARLOR . When she went back in. They share a quiet moment. He lifts the edge of the sheet and takes his father's hand in his.WHITE 10-23-09 GOLDIE (CONT'D) After they finished.RECEPTION . BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . INT. He starts to laugh at the situation. Before shutting the door he pulls out an ONION . You made him so proud. Beat. A shelf with a bottle of baby oil. He sits beside Goldie in the reception.

No. KATE When you get that lazy with cheating. KATE (CONT'D) BARNEY Barney can tell that she needs to keep herself busy.WHITE 10-23-09 101. He His pieces spell: "ATTNY" Confused. BARNEY What did you do? KATE Right there. Barney stares at the board. KATE You're missing half the letters. Attorney. BARNEY Do you want to talk about it? ... I'll do it. BARNEY It's the abbreviation. KATE (CONT'D) It's your turn.SCRABBLE BOARD. KATE Let me.. BARNEY Leave that. She gets up and starts to clean up. Barney goes into the DEN and refills his Scotch before sitting down to continue his Scrabble game with Kate. KATE What word is that? INSERT . I know you're tired. takes her arm to stop her and pull her down to sit. Dad.? BARNEY Sorry. He sets down his pieces. dad.

That's all it takes She gets up to go to the washroom.PAST (2003) Miriam is interviewing Barney's old friend.BOOTH . He pulls her into a comforting embrace. She cries as long as she needs to. BARNEY It'll be okay. He's now a famous painter with an air of success and gravitas about him. Leo. for her to start crying in his arms. I'm just happy it only took eight months to realize he was a jerk. Leo Fasoli.. a stunning 28 year old BIMBO. CBC RADIO STATION . saying you no longer wanted to do it. Barney watches her go. LEO FASOLI (61). she wipes her eyes on her sleeve. MIRIAM In what way? . along with Leo's flavor of the month. It's an abstract multi-colored whirlpool that winds down to a black center.DAY .WHITE 10-23-09 KATE I'll be fine. What happened? LEO It proved to be more difficult than I originally thought it would be. I'll get it. you recently signed a seven figure deal with Simon and Schuster to publish your autobiography. Barney and Blair watch from the booth. They break apart. 102. But then you returned the money.. FLASHBACK TO: INT. I promise. BARNEY (CONT'D) Let me get you a tissue. His eyes drift over and stop on LEO'S PAINTING prominently displayed on the wall. MIRIAM --and we're back talking with renowned painter and artist. KATE No. Barney's mind follows it down to the black nothingness.

LEO (to Bimbo) A spetta un minuto. BIMBO I love it when you speak Italian. the French author. Leo gets in the limo and is driven away.DAY Barney escorts Leo and his Bimbo out. CBC RADIO STATION . LEO (CONT'D) You've made a wonderful life for yourself. cara mia. It's a real coup for Miriam. once said "nothing is as destructive to happiness as the remembrance of happiness lost". LEO Andre Gide. then slips into the limo. BARNEY (re: Bimbo) You like this one? Leo just shrugs. woman. Leo lights a cigarette. She gives Leo a kiss. A LIMO waits right outside the door. BARNEY Are you sure you can't stay the night? We'd love to have you over. For all his success.WHITE 10-23-09 Leo pauses. . They hug. She's an amazing 103. BARNEY (CONT'D) Thanks again for doing the interview. It makes me happy. LEO There's nothing I would enjoy more but I have to get back to New York. there's a sense of melancholy to him. EXT. LEO It was my pleasure.

Blair has joined Barney and Miriam for dinner. BARNEY Just because you're gay. BARNEY A month? Jeez.NIGHT 104.WHITE 10-23-09 INT. Miriam and Blair enjoy lively conversation. BARNEY So when are you going to find out? BLAIR Probably not for another month. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . don't be so soft. MIRIAM Guests don't clean. And a toast to Blair and his new job in New York. Let them know they'll lose you if they sit on their asses. Long silence. They drink. Miriam heads to the kitchen. BLAIR I'm not one to be aggressive like that. Push them. BARNEY Here's hoping. BLAIR Let me help you. MIRIAM Yes you did. doesn't mean you can't be assertive. BLAIR I'm not gay. while Barney broods in silence and polishes off another Scotch. BLAIR Allow me a toast to you Barney.DINING ROOM . BARNEY I didn't think so. BLAIR I don't have it yet. Miriam begins to clear the table. You really came through getting Leo to do the interview. but Miriam-- .

CONTINUOUS .. The moment the door closes she puts on her game face and marches into the. congratulations. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . MIRIAM Thank you for coming. but-Miriam enters. Blair exits. MIRIAM What's with you? And don't say "what?". INT. it was a fantastic interview.MOMENTS LATER Miriam kisses Blair good-night.WHITE 10-23-09 BLAIR Miriam thinks I'm gay? BARNEY I told her you weren't. MIRIAM By telling him I think he's gay? And who even jokes about that anymore? BARNEY I don't want to fight about Cher. BLAIR Thanks for another incredible meal. okay? BARNEY I was giving him a few life lessons. BARNEY Why? . MIRIAM We're not fighting about Blair. MIRIAM So what you are boys talking about? confront Barney.... INT. Let's just skip that whole part.DOORWAY . MIRIAM Thanks. who is just lighting up a cigar. DEN . and again. We're fighting about you.

MIRIAM I'm going to visit Michael for a week. Spring has arrived.IN MEMORIAM. Barney rides in a taxi.okay? Barney nods but he's not happy about this.MORNING . he's scared to death. BARNEY Okay. What? BARNEY Where is this coming from? 106. or all the dinners you've ruined because you're incorrigible with my friends. The cab stops at a red light in front of the MONTREAL MUSEUM OF FINE ARTS. Actually. TAXI CAB . BARNEY It doesn't? Miriam is NOT amused. BARNEY What? When? MIRIAM Next weekend. It'll be good for us to circulate the air in here a little. CUT TO: INT/EXT. MIRIAM No. Coffee in hand.WHITE 10-23-09 MIRIAM Getting Leo to come in doesn't negate all the other interviews you've missed to get drunk and watch the game. It's only a week . MIRIAM We've hardly been away from each other since we've been married. A RETROSPECTIVE. Barney looks out the window to see workers unraveling a DRAPERY announcing the next exposition: "LEO FASOLI . I'll take the week off. She gives him a kiss and exits. I think a little time apart will do us both good.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY." .

RECEPTIONIST Good morning. SEXPOT Oh. ON THE DRAPERY is a PHOTO OF LEO from back in his Rome days. Anxious. pulls away. tight outfit her character would have worn. INT.S. ditzy. yet still dressed in the same type of revealing. Barney. SOLANGE (O.) And CUT! Check the gate! Solange gets up from the DIRECTOR'S CHAIR. I go to The RECEPTIONIST . Barney grabs the keys. OFFICE . greets him with a smile. SOLANGE (CONT'D) And that everyone. I won't work out here. TV SOUNDSTAGE .TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS . Find out what I have to do to report it. walks away. RECEPTIONIST It's parked in the lot. ON THE SET A scene is playing out between O'Malley and the new. She's now directing the show. cast as the new Nurse.WHITE 10-23-09 107.MORNING Barney enters the office in a foul mood. the gym for that. He's fidgety. SEXPOT (21). O'MALLEY I have a feeling you're going to work out just fine around here. The taxi INT.MORNING Barney slips into the soundstage just as they start rolling. completes the first episode of our 30th season!! The whole crew bursts into applause. BARNEY My car was stolen. young. The thought of his departed friend hits him hard. I have the keys right here.

SOLANGE I'm going to Bulgaria. BARNEY Nope. BARNEY You haven't flown in thirty years. BARNEY'S OFFICE . BARNEY I'm not interested in what you're going to say. BARNEY (CONT'D) I'm not interested. I'm in a state of complete disinterest to all things.LATER Barney's rifling through drawers and shelves looking for something. Even though it's Barney's show. BARNEY Right now.WHITE 10-23-09 108. That's the point. Barney continues his searching. Solange stands there grinning from ear to ear. eager to tell him something. Barney hands her back the ticket and walks out of his office.. Is that clear or should I have someone translate? Solange drops an AIRPLANE TICKET in front of Barney. SOLANGE enters. Solange follows. He's frustrated. the merriment around him seems to only make him more lonely and bitter.. SOLANGE Why did you leave the set? I thought you might want to give a speech. INT. Barney looks at the ticket. SOLANGE You don't even know what I'm going to say. He ducks out. angry. First Class. . SOLANGE What if it were something really interesting? This is annoying the hell out of him.

FLASHBACK TO: INT. SOLANGE I've been in systematic desensitization therapy to get over my fear of flying. The entire office watching them. OFFICE .FLASHBACK (CONT'D) (This is a replay of the OPENING OF THE MOVIE) Barney picks up the morning newspaper. BARNEY Are you out of your mind? Some idiots keep printing thirty year old pictures of you in bikinis so old Bolsheviks can have something to jerk off to and you're going to fly half way around the world because of it? What do you imagine it will be like .CONTINUOUS 109. Something he reads upsets him. The coffee machine stops. Solange fights back tears. BARNEY Did you hear me?! SOLANGE (beat) Leo died a year ago. He makes his choice.WHITE 10-23-09 INT. forcing them to raise their voices. Barney goes to the coffee machine. The machine REVS and GRINDS.that you'll step off the plane right onto the tarmac. Hermes scarf wrapped around your new 'do'. a gaggle of paparazzi awaiting your arrival? You're a hundred and eighty years old Solange. One of those automatic ones where you press a button and it makes you a latte. MARK What the hell is wrong with you? BARNEY With me? My friend Leo just died! Silence. . Scans the front page. get over it. Dead silence. Chanel glasses. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT .

.WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY Fuck.DAY . DR. Justin runs off.BELOW THE FOLD: The article about O'HEARNE'S BOOK we previously saw. INSERT .DAY Barney and Solange are in DR. INT. Barney's . Barney stares back.ABOVE THE FOLD: "LEO FASOLI.? Off Barney's confusion -CUT TO: INT. A SOCCER BALL rolls and stops at Barney's feet. Barney looks at his watch -. MANDEBAUM'S office.S.) Justin. he's late.KITCHEN .. SOLANGE You were a pallbearer at his funeral.PRESENT DAY Barney looks as though he's had the wind knocked out of him." We now understand what Barney was reacting to originally. INSERT . JUSTIN Hi Barney. DIES AT 66.FRONT PAGE BLURB . BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Barney. Drops the paper on the table. (beat) Barney.shit.FRONT PAGE HEADLINE .FLASHBACK Barney's reading the paper as he finishes his bagel and lox. come on. BARNEY'S OFFICE . NEIGHBOR (O. long time physician. MANDEBAUM'S OFFICE . Hops up to get ready. FAMED ITALIAN PAINTER. He stares up at 110. BARNEY Good morning. we're late. BACK TO: INT. Barney turns back inside. Solange approaches him carefully. JUSTIN (8) runs up and grabs the ball.

. DR.. Why should I care what it's called? (to Solange) And why are you crying? 111.. BARNEY April.. MANDEBAUM What kind of car do you drive? BARNEY Morty.. DR. BARNEY A. that's fucking embarrassing. DR. (beat) What month is it? BARNEY You're joking. MANDEBAUM I'm going to start by asking you a series of questions. . MANDEBAUM There's a point to all this. goddamn it. I can't even find the fucking thing. Just answer them. MANDEBAUM What season is it? BARNEY Summer. you know.. DR. DR. MANDEBAUM Just answer it. there's no right or wrong. MANDEBAUM What city are we in? BARNEY Do you actually have a degree in medicine? (beat) Montreal.WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY Can I smoke in here? SOLANGE What do you think? Now be quiet and let Morty do his job. it's German. DR.

MICHAEL'S LOFT . BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . hi.PAST (2003) Scotch in hand.DAY .DEN .DAY Miriam is cleaning up clutter around Michael's apartment. please.. MIRIAM I know.. MIRIAM (beat) What? BARNEY I can't handle being without you for even a few days. INT. please come home already. dad. I can't sleep without you beside me.. Desperate . I keep reaching over for you in bed and-BARNEY I bought our cemetery plots today. MIRIAM Barney. and that got me thinking and. FLASHBACK TO: INT.WHITE 10-23-09 PRE-LAP: A phone dialing. 112. I just needed that settled. That we'll be together forever. INTERCUT BARNEY Miriam. then ringing. put your mother on the phone. MIRIAM (into phone) Hello.. (holding out phone) Mom. Barney paces while on the phone.BROOKLYN . well. and frantic without Miriam around. MICHAEL Nice to talk to you too. MICHAEL (V.) Hello? BARNEY Michael.O.

BARNEY I'm sorry. but I really do have to go. I love you-BARNEY Blair?! MIRIAM Don't even start. I'm enjoying my week with my son. MIRIAM I wasn't punishing you. BARNEY I can't believe you're there with Blair. That's a big thing. . So they called him down for a final interview. BARNEY What does that mean? You're not sure? MIRIAM Why is everything all or nothing with you? I say I need a little space. Blair is waiting for us at the restaurant.WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY I've learned my lesson. tonight. But I'm still not coming home today. I love you. I just-MIRIAM Overreacted? Yes. Now I have to go. MIRIAM Barney. I'm not going to have this discussion with you. you did. BARNEY I love you. Goodbye. He actually took YOUR advice and told them he had another offer. Please. and you go out and buy real estate for our afterlife. And you shouldn't have done that without talking to me first. Come back 113. What am I saying . (beat) I'm sure what you bought is fine.if you bought it it's certainly the best plot in the whole city.

Barney stares up at the ceiling. He's already quite drunk. BARNEY I need a test. sweaty and satisfied. not knowing what to do with himself. Now. DR.DAY Barney. INT. Really? BARNEY I'm sorry. in a state of panic. empty house. GRUMPY'S BAR . I remembered you right away. INT. She hangs up. BLONDE That's okay.WHITE 10-23-09 114. going out of his mind. HARD CUT TO: INT. BLONDE (CONT'D) You don't remember me do you? BARNEY Should I? BLONDE I had a small part on your TV show a few years ago. Too drunk and too horrified to process what he's just done.NIGHT Barney's sitting at the bar chatting it up with Jill and a BLONDE (38) patron. . No way! Barney shrugs.NIGHT The blonde from the bar rolls off of Barney. JILL --And so he leaves his OWN wedding and chases after her onto the train. Barney watches her walk away. Barney looks around the big. I don't remember. would you mind ordering me another? The look in her eye tells us exactly where this is going. BLONDE You're crazy! Jill goes to serve another customer. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . (standing) I'm going to freshen up a bit.DEN . MANDEBAUM'S OFFICE . bursts into Morty's office who is eating lunch at his desk. naked.

Driving home from the airport . BARNEY I missed you too.DAY 115. MANDEBAUM Test for what? BARNEY VD. MIRIAM It's good to be home.DAY They walk in from the airport. AIDS-DR. BARNEY (CONT'D) But you must be exhausted . INT. slow down. Syphilis. What the hell happened? BARNEY Just give me the test. Go. BARNEY Let me put these in water and I'll unpack your bags. INT.DRIVING . And I need the results as soon as possible. MIRIAM I missed you. MANDEBAUM Whoa.a HUGE bouquet of roses with a "Welcome Home" card sits in between Barney and Miriam. Morty. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Barney's acting strange. She wraps her arms around his waist and kisses him. BARNEY'S CAR . MIRIAM I have a better idea. (CONT'D) . Both anxious and nice. Too nice. whoa. she's in the mood for love.I'll put on some tea . talking from the other room. Barney is conspicuously silent and nervous. how does that sound? She follows him into the kitchen. relax. Gonorrhea.WHITE 10-23-09 DR.and run you a bath. He squirms out of her arms and carries the roses to the kitchen.

He hangs up.WHITE 10-23-09 INT. She has to sit down. He closes his eyes and remains silent and still for a long beat. BARNEY Why? MIRIAM 116. INT..S.CONTINUOUS Ready for some good lovin'...) Are you off the phone? BARNEY Yes.. He takes another deep breath to compose himself and exits. Terrified. MIRIAM What's wrong? Nothing. thank God.. I'll be in the bedroom. You were acting so strange. Barney walks into the bedroom. Barney.. MIRIAM (O. but stops in his tracks when he sees-Miriam crying. The phone in her hand.. . BARNEY Hello? Hold on.. Barney LEAPS to answer it. Barney takes a deep breath. Miriam exits. MIRIAM I don't know why. MIRIAM When you're done hiding whatever it is you screwed up while I was gone. Problems on the set. oh. bye. Naked. so?. okay. but I dialed star 69.. The phone RINGS. you. KITCHEN .CONTINUOUS Barney fills a GLASS VASE with water.. (to Miriam) It's work. BEDROOM . I am. She's trembling. Thank BARNEY Morty.

We have a life. BARNEY It meant nothing to me. Off Barney.NIGHT . her eyes filled with tears. all those cigars-BARNEY Miriam. BARNEY I'm not sick. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . she throws her arms around Barney and won't let go. (beat) Let's not mourn just yet. BARNEY Easy. She storms out.A KNOCKING at the door. I'm not sick. completely shell shocked we -CUT TO: INT. Morty says I've got at least a year before I'm totally bonkers. MIRIAM Then what is it? What are you hiding from me? Beat.PRESENT DAY PRE-LAP . MIRIAM HAD a life. The door opens revealing KATE. . MIRIAM The way you cough at night. He has to gently pry her arms from around his neck. 117. Miriam. BARNEY (CONT'D) Please. Miriam is completely devastated.WHITE 10-23-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) Why did you lie about it being Morty on the phone? Tell me the truth are you sick? (beat) TELL ME. kiddo.

WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) Your mother's show is on. Why don't you fix us a couple drinks. You could use one. She nods - that's for sure.


She starts toward the kitchen --

BARNEY (CONT'D) Have you talked to her yet? KATE No. BARNEY Don't worry her with anything. Kate nods. INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - DEN - MOMENTS LATER Barney's sitting at his desk. His eyes drifting over old photographs and items of nostalgia. The final bars of Leonard Cohen's "I'm Your Man" playing on Miriam's radio show. MIRIAM (V.O.) That was Leonard Cohen's "I'm Your Man" - a request from our ever faithful listener, Alphonse, all the way from Montreal. And here's one for you Alphonse - "I Don't Want To Hear It Anymore" by Dusty Springfield. Barney grins. Kate is standing in the door watching him. hands him his drink. KATE Here you go, Alphonse. Barney looks at her with surprise. Kate exits. FLASHBACK TO: INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT - DAY - PAST (2003) Movers carry boxes down the hallway to the elevator. Barney steps aside to let Michael past with a box in hand. Michael won't even look at his father. We follow Barney back inside -INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS She steps in and Okay?

Through the apartment and into the kitchen where Kate is helping to pack. Her eyes puffy from crying.

WHITE 10-23-09 Barney paces back and forth. Back and forth.


Michael walks in to grab another box. his father.

He won't even look at

BARNEY Michael, wait. (beat) I know how difficult this is for both of you, but your mother and I will work through this. MICHAEL Do you even understand what you did here? BARNEY Of course. MICHAEL Then how could you have fucked this up? How? She deserved so much better, but she still loved you, you miserable, ungrateful prick. BARNEY Watch your mouth. I'm still your father. MICHAEL There's nothing I can do about that. Barney SLAPS Michael. It's so utterly shocking to both of them, that no one can move or say a word. Michael then storms out of the house. BACK TO: INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - DEN - PRESENT DAY

CRASH -- Barney shatters a framed photo, tearing the room apart. Kate runs in and tries to stop him, but it's hard to get past his flailing arms. KATE DADDY, STOP, PLEASE, STOP!! He finally stops. Kate is unsure what to do.

He just stares at the TELEPHONE RECEIVER in his hand. He looks up her. His eyes filled with tears.

WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY I can't remember your mother's number.



DING. The elevator doors open revealing Solange, carrying two cups of coffee. She walks down the hallway to Barney's apartment and lets herself in with a key. INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

She enters and sets the coffees down. SOLANGE (calling out) Allo? You better be decent. INT. WALK-IN CLOSET - BEDROOM - BARNEY'S APARTMENT - SAME TIME Barney's side of the closet is filled with his clothes, while the other that once held Miriam's wardrobe is completely bare. Barney, in his best suit, is trying but unable to do his tie. His frustration finally boils over. BARNEY Goddamn it! He sees Solange in the doorway watching him. SOLANGE Here, let me do it. She steps to him and does his tie. won't make eye contact. There. been. They say nothing. He

SOLANGE (CONT'D) As handsome as you've ever

Barney double checks the knot in the mirror. SOLANGE (CONT'D) It's time to go. She walks out first. He takes one last look in the mirror.

. They're always coming out with new treatments and trials-BARNEY Let's not do that whole thing. MIRIAM You look great.all the important stuff in case I get lost. She sees him and smiles as she approaches the table. Kate's numbers. His breath is taken away when he sees -BARNEY POV Miriam entering the garden. She nods. They sit. are you? BARNEY Only coffee for me now. MIRIAM We can be friends now. MIRIAM I've been doing some research. BARNEY You look fantastic. drinking a glass of sparkling water. Barney sitting at his table in the Ritz Garden. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . Barney sits tight.. I was actually thinking a dog collar might be easier.DAY 121. They play through an awkward exchange of leaning in for a kiss. but has to fight off tears instead. and shaking hands before Barney just takes her into his arms and hugs her. She tries to laugh. MIRIAM You're not going to get sick on me again.GARDEN . can't we? We . But I do have crib notes.WHITE 10-23-09 EXT. elegant and graceful as she ever was. all know where this is going. (pulls out a paper) My address and number. taking advantage of every second he has to simply watch her. Every bit as gorgeous. Solange -.

GARDEN . BARNEY So what makes you think I would start now? Beat.WHITE 10-23-09 No.. but it's over.A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE CAKE. JEAN Bonjour. BARNEY We can't. BARNEY Thank you. Miriam hands him his fork. We had a beautiful marriage. 122. MIRIAM I'm here for you if you'll let me. Heaven. EXT. warm chocolate sponge. MIRIAM Would you excuse me? I have to use the ladies room? He can't remember .DAY Miriam slices through the moist. Mmmm. are you ready to hear the specials of the day? BARNEY Sure. They grin with anticipation. LATER CU . Barney and Miriam each have one. BARNEY Have I ever given up when it comes to you? MIRIAM Never. I want you to be at peace with that. And they eat cake. Carries it past her lips and savors.. She opens her eyes to see-BARNEY'S HAND hovering above his cutlery. which one he is supposed to use. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL .

WHITE 10-23-09 INT. I got so scared. The paper old and cracked.MOMENTS LATER She enters the same hall where she and Barney first met. Madame.she pulls it out. Jean hands her Barney's old. but forgot his wallet on the table. BARNEY What's wrong? MIRIAM I couldn't find you. takes her breath away. . CONGRATULATIONS. INT. MIRIAM I thought I lost you. grinning from ear to ear as if nothing is wrong. INT. did you see Barney? JEAN No. he paid the bill.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . BARNEY Look at you. Barney is standing there. you're practically shaking. MIRIAM" It's the note she passed to him the night they first met.RITZ CARLTON . beat up WALLET. BARNEY It's beautiful in here isn't it? MIRIAM You forgot your wallet at the table. Without thinking why . MIRIAM Jean. Miriam returns from the washroom and is panicked when Barney is missing from the table. She races over to Jean. LADIES BATHROOM . Seeing it literally RECEPTION HALL .THE PAPER "CANADIENS 2 BRUINS 1 IN OVERTIME. A SMALL PIECE OF PAPER is sticking out of the wallet. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL GARDEN .MOMENTS LATER 123. He's carried this on him all these years.MOMENTS LATER Miriam crying in a stall. She carefully unfolds it-INSERT .

NEWS REPORT OVER IMAGES of the mountain. 124. and Barney: REPORTER It was in a ravine on Mount Orford that Hydro workers stumbled upon the remains of Bernard "Boogie" (MORE) . MIRIAM Let's get you home. MOUNT ORFORD . BARNEY (CONT'D) Have I not loved you enough today? She buries her face in his neck to stop from completely breaking down. MIRIAM The kids. FADE OUT: TITLE CARD: ONE YEAR LATER CUT TO: EXT. watch a movie.WHITE 10-23-09 BARNEY Lost me? Hey. as happy as he's ever been.. Boogie's bones with snorkel.. She falls into his embrace. the kids. wondering why he said that. why don't we go home. the kids are gone. curl up in bed. Are you okay? (off her crying) Oh my love. don't cry. You're the one who dropped them off at school. He takes her by the arm and walks her out of the lobby..? BARNEY Yeah. Miriam cocks her head.. He pulls her close.DAY ON TV . flippers and goggles. BARNEY (CONT'D) So what do you say? Can we play hooky? She can't bring herself to shatter his fragile reality. having realized he's forgotten they ever split up.

A LONG SHOT OF THE HILLSIDE WHERE THE REMAINS WERE FOUND. Barney Panofsky. 125. For years now. doesn't mean he didn't kill him. This just brings us one step closer to proving the truth. Michael has a thick DOCUMENT in his hands that he's looking over. O'HEARNE IS MOBBED BY A THRONG OF REPORTERS ON THE STREET. KITCHEN . . Where Kate is pouring them each a tea. KATE (laughs) Oh. MICHAEL Okay. O'HEARNE Just because he didn't shoot him. producer of the long running soap "O'Malley Of The North". PATHOLOGIST Our findings show that Mr. REPORTER Police say the pathologist's findings don't shed any new light onto who may have been responsible for this death -As the report continues we PULL OUT from the TV into-INT. what is this regular payment out of the company? Kate takes the document.CONTINUOUS REPORTER (on TV) But at least one part of a thirty year mystery has finally been solved. Moscovitch died from either being severely beaten with a blunt instrument or had fallen from a considerable height. was the only suspect in the case. There were NO gunshot wounds whatsoever. His friend. Daddy has been paying some guy to make up those fake tabloid items about Solange. that.COTTAGE . IDENTIFIED ON SCREEN. who went missing over thirty years ago.WHITE 10-23-09 REPORTER (CONT'D) Moscovitch. A PATHOLOGIST RESPONDS TO REPORTERS.

CONTINUOUS Where they pass the well known sketch by Clara. Hands it to Michael. MICHAEL (smelling honey) Is this honey still good? KATE Honey doesn't go bad. MICHAEL I can't believe he's leaving that to her. DEN .COTTAGE . Kate drips honey into her tea. Michael and Kate sit. You know she hated that thing? MICHAEL She's not gonna hate it when she finds out how much it's worth. but it's true. He passes her a flagged contract from one of the paper piles. . 126. MICHAEL Ever? KATE Ever. Michael uses the honey and follows Kate out to the -INT.WHITE 10-23-09 MICHAEL Why? KATE I don't know. To make her feel good. MICHAEL Where did you hear that? KATE I don't remember.CONTINUOUS MOUNDS OF PAPERWORK everywhere. He even had them faxed from Bulgaria. Daddy asked me to keep it going. SUNROOM . They continue out to the -INT. KATE As if running out on their wedding to chase mom wasn't enough of a rub. just in case she checked the number.

Yeah. MICHAEL I agree. It's not fair to her. KATE Of course it does. KATE Only until death do them part. KATE See? He always hoped Boogie would come back. While she signs the pages. She's married to Blair. Beat. I leave our city condo. (beat) He shouldn't have included that. He left Boogie money to publish any original writings of his choosing when he should return. KATE What's next? MICHAEL (reading) "To my wife. Hands it back.WHITE 10-23-09 127. Michael looks out onto the lake. MICHAEL What do you want to do about the cottage? KATE We're never selling this cottage. Miriam Grant Panofsky. but it's not relevant anymore. Okay. Leo Fasoli. MICHAEL There's one last thing. the original painting by my late friend. Why would he leave Boogie money if he killed him? . done. and the adjoining plot to my own in Mount Royal cemetery where my wish is for her to buried along side me". She finishes signing the agreement. It's a picture perfect day. MICHAEL That doesn't mean anything.

Why can't you let go of this already? MICHAEL You brought it up. Barney's mind is now almost completely gone. What else do you need to know? It's a touchy subject he'd rather not get into. He exchanges the banana for the cigar. just don't tell Kate. Michael exits. MICHAEL I'm going to go down to the lake. MICHAEL Try it this way. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Here. He didn't do it. Michael takes out a cigar from his breast pocket. EXT. lights it. even react to Michael's presence. Turns it back over again. Barney is able to Clips and . COTTAGE .DAY Michael 128. Michael turns the Banana over for him. From here they look much like Barney's family did years ago. stares out at the lake -MICHAEL POV BARNEY sitting on a lawn chair by the lake. I'm just saying that we'll never really know what happened. KATE He's our father. Michael walks to the lake and sits beside BARNEY. KATE Stop it. smoke it just fine. oddly. Barney looks at it Michael and Barney look out ACROSS THE LAKE where a young family with two children play with a BEACH BALL in the water.WHITE 10-23-09 MICHAEL So no one would think he did. He doesn't Barney is slowly trying to peel a BANANA from the WRONG END.

MICHAEL (CONT'D) Do you remember how much we loved that when we were kids? The WATER PLANE is still in the air and has begun to swing back around. Blades of thick. Floating in the middle of the lake is the BEACH BALL. Michael hears a RUMBLING in the distance. dad. but his thoughts. . I'm so sorry. ALONG WITH THE BEACH BALL. CEMETERY . is watching the plane too. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Boogie. much to his surprise... are a mystery to all. MOVING WITH MIRIAM . green leaves on a tree moving with a gentle breeze. watching them. if any. It opens its hull and drops its water load .. The plane descends toward the lake. did you see that? He turns to Barney who. Watching this.. it suddenly comes together for Michael.along with the BEACH BALL onto the side of a MOUNTAIN which we can easily identify as the spot where they found Boogie's she slowly walks uphill carrying fresh flowers. the hull closes.WHITE 10-23-09 129. Michael takes his father's hand. KATE Standing on the deck. The sounds of footsteps on a rocky path.. MICHAEL (CONT'D) I'm sorry.. A perfect blue sky behind them.DAY Bright. then pressing it to his forehead just as Barney did with Izzy when he died. holding it. His eyes light up with excitement. FADE TO: EXT. green grass flutter. dad. The plane's HULL opens and SWALLOWS up water. He spots a WATER PLANE approaching.. Barney continues to puff on his cigar. having gotten away from the young family previously.. Oh my God. Tears in her eyes. It pulls back up into the sky.

DAY She reaches the highest peak on the only hillside in the cemetery.. Maybe the most picturesque spot ever. then starts back down the hill. She mutters a silent prayer before laying the flowers down..2010 PAN ACROSS the DOUBLE HEADSTONE . CEMETERY .. she grazes the tombstone with her fingertips.GRAVE SITE . 130.beside Barney's name is written -MIRIAM GRANT PANOFSKY THE END . the HEADSTONE READS -BARNEY PANOFSKY 1944 . A view of the entire city. We remain on the hillside and move toward the grave.WHITE 10-23-09 EXT. Her eyes moist with tears.

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