Overcome Anything

When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
© Mary Jaksch 2008

Read Mary Jaksch’s blog www.GoodlifeZen.com for weekly inspiration
Photos
Cover Scott Proudfoot
Page 34 Stephen Ingraham
Page 10 Audrey Michael
All others photos Manuel Alfonso Arpa
Cover design Ahmadullah Emad
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Contents
Introduction. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4
The Crisis . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
Step 1: Acceptance . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10
Step 2: Presence. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14
Step 3: Action . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29
Step 4: Forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31
Step 5: Integration . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36
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Introduction
Sometimes life falls apart. Maybe a loved one dies or leaves, we are
diagnosed with cancer, we lose our job, or we experience other kinds of
traumatic events. At first, it might seem impossible for the broken bits
of life to knit together. You may feel that you will never emerge and find
peace again. But you will. Take one step and then the next. From Tragedy
to Triumph will guide you through a process of healing.
The five steps of healing are: acceptance, presence, action, forgiveness, and
integration. They can be completed even long after a traumatic event has
occurred. The five steps of healing ensure that we integrate our traumatic
experience. If we do, we not only overcome our personal disaster, but
grow from it, and finally find stillness and peace.
The Crisis
Shock
A shock can leave you stunned, absorbed, and unable to focus on anything
else. When shock is profound, it can be hard to return to life as you once
knew it. The case of Duncan S. illustrates this point.
It was a late Friday evening and Duncan was relaxing after a hard day
at work. The doorbell rang, and when he opened it, two police officers
waited to talk to him. They sat him down and told him that his wife and
two year old son had been killed in a car crash. Later he said:
“I couldn’t say anything. It was as if I was falling down a black
hole. I couldn’t breathe properly. At that moment, I couldn’t imagine ever
finding a meaningful life again.”
After this terrible moment, Duncan went through a dark patch. He
emerged numb and bitter. It was only later, after he asked for help and
completed the five steps of healing, that he found new meaning in his
life. I saw him again, some years after he had initially come to me for
help. His hair was prematurely grey, but he seemed to be at peace. He
told me that he had left his job at the stock market and now works with
disadvantaged children.
“My life has changed so much,” he said. “I married again last year
and we’re expecting a baby.” He adjusted his designer glasses. “I will never
forget Lana and little Stephen. I am still overcome with pangs of grief
now and then—they just come out of nowhere. But my life has got a new
meaning now and I’m at peace. I feel I’m making a difference in the lives
of others. Maybe I’ve learned to be less selfish and a bit kinder.”
Loss
Crises are usually about loss. It can be the loss of health, loss of a loved
one, financial loss, or losing a job. With loss, life changes forever. Imagine
life as a map. The most important areas of our life take up space in the
centre, whereas aspects that are less important are at the periphery. With
loss, a major part of our life-map is ripped out. Grieving means coming
to terms with the empty areas of one’s life. This coming to terms is a
process of integration and we gradually change our life-map so that other
aspects begin to fill in the empty space.
Trauma
The Latin word for injury is trauma.
It applies to injuries of body and soul.
An injury to the body can be seen,
but wounds and scars of the soul are
hidden. Unfortunately many people
remain stuck in trauma without
integrating it. Symptoms of being stuck include anxiety, weight gain,
sleep disorder, lack of motivation, and alcohol or drug abuse. Remaining
stuck in a traumatic experience can even result in Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder (PTSD). People who have suffered ordeals, such as violent
assaults, disasters, accidents or military combat often suffer from PTSD.
They face ongoing frightening thoughts, invasive images and emotional
numbness.
The body and mind are self-healing organisms. Just as a wound has a
tendency to knit together, the soul also heals in time. As Peter A. Levine
points out in his book Walking the Tiger, healing from trauma is a natural
process. We can access healing through gentle awareness of the way the
body reacts to shock, grief, stress, anger, and the many other responses
to trauma.
Stress
A crisis triggers stress. The body readies
for fight or flight. The signals sent
out by the brain through the central
nervous system start a chain reaction
in the body. The adrenal glands begin
producing hormones that cause the
heart to beat faster. Muscles in the
body tense and the pupils dilate.
Digestion is slowed and blood is shunted to the major muscle groups. This
gives the body a burst of energy to enable it to either stand and fight, or flee
from danger.
After the threat has abated, the body systems return to normal via the
relaxation response. However, it is possible to get stuck in a condition
of chronic stress. Symptoms of chronic stress are numerous, ranging
from memory impairment to depression. It can cause and aggravate
inflammation and weaken the immune system, as well as make us
vulnerable to heart disease. Sleep and eating disorders, alcohol and drug
dependency and anxiety disorders can also be part of the overall picture
of chronic stress. As the following story of Danny L. illustrates, it’s
sometimes difficult to spot chronic stress as the cause of ill health.
Danny was in his late forties. Good living and a love of Chardonnay
had put some extra rings around his waist and high colour on his
cheeks.He worked as an electrical engineer. When he got a new boss, he
started having trouble at work. He missed out on a promotion and felt
increasingly unhappy and alienated.
One Saturday afternoon, he was mowing the lawn when he experienced
a sharp pain in his chest and collapsed. Next thing he knew, a medic was
pressing an oxygen mask to his face and he was being rushed to hospital.
There, they performed a whole battery of tests upon him. But all were
inconclusive. Back home again, Danny began to experience other health
problems. He couldn’t sleep at night and had recurring flu-like symptoms.
A nagging pain in his abdomen worried him.
After a year of ill health, Danny went to a naturopath to get some advice.
She pointed out that Danny might be suffering from chronic stress. A
year later he said to me:
My life has changed so much in the last year. I hardly recognise
myself! I was beginning to feel like an invalid, but now I feel great. I look
forward to each day!”
“What changes did you make?” I asked.
“I changed my job. The work I’m doing now isn’t as well paid, but
it’s much less stressful. I spend more time with the wife. We’re getting on
better now. “He bit his lower lip. “You see, when I was stressed I wasn’t
performing that well in bed and she was getting frustrated.”
He took a sip of water.
“And I’ve stopped drinking. “He shook his head. “I tell you that was
bloody hard! And I’m a lot fitter. I go swimming and do some jogging.”
I looked him over. He’d lost weight and his eyes were clear.
“What turned your life around, Danny?”
“You asked me to go to counselling. At first, I hated it because I’m not
used to spitting things out. But then, I got more relaxed. Finally, it was as
if a huge weight had lifted off my shoulders.”
step 1: Acceptance
Denial
The first response to disaster is usually denial—which is the opposite
of acceptance. It took a long time for Linda D. to emerge from denial.
One day she asked to see me. She was in her mid-thirties and looked fit
and beautiful. Glossy chestnut curls framed her face but her smile was
strained. Some months ago, she had felt a persistent ache in her belly but
had put it down to indigestion. A while later she went to the doctor. He
ordered a scan, then exploratory surgery.
“Imagine my shock, “she said, “when I woke after the operation and
the surgeon told me that they had sewed me up again because there was
nothing, absolutely nothing they could do for me. They found cancer all
over my liver. My first thought was: ‘No! Ben’s only four. I can’t leave him
on his own. I just can’t be dying!’”
It took Linda some months to accept that she was going to die. In that
time of denial, her emotions were in turmoil. It was late spring when
Linda came to see me one last time. She was frail and her skin was like
parchment.
I settled her into a chair on the veranda. The wisteria blooms were a sea
of purple. We were silent for a while. Then I asked:
“How do you feel about dying?”
“I feel at peace now,” she said. Then she raised her face to the sun and
shut her eyes. “Everything is so precious. Now I know how precious each
moment is!”
She died some weeks later. Because she was ready, she was able to let go
of life gracefully. Her healing journey had led her from denial, rage and
dread to a place of acceptance and peace.
The path to acceptance

A new beginning can only happen when the old form disintegrates. Look
at what happens when a caterpillar becomes a butterfly:
When the time for transformation has
come, a larva wraps itself in a cocoon
and becomes a chrysalis. Just imagine
how that might feel! Suddenly the
larva is constricted, can’t move
anymore and darkness closes in. Then
disintegration begins. Some cells die,
others revert to an undifferentiated
state, some cluster together as discs that carry a genetic blueprint for new
structures. If you compare a caterpillar to a butterfly, they seem worlds
apart and yet one transforms into the other. In some sense, you could say
that the caterpillar dies. From this death, a new, beautiful form arises.
Before something radically new can appear, the old form has to die.
Acceptance is the first step of healing. It grows slowly over time. There
are some simple exercises that help the process of acceptance. One of the
most powerful techniques is Expressive Writing therapy as the story of
Marion P. shows.
Marian’s husband died suddenly of a heart attack in the first year of their
marriage. It happened just weeks before she gave birth to her son, Josh.
Years later, she said:
“I just couldn’t accept that I was now a widow with a baby. I so
wanted to be part of a little family! I spent four years railing against my
fate. Then I realised that I had to look to the future. I started Expressive
Writing therapy. After a few times, I began to realise that Josh and I were
now the ‘little family’. Acceptance marked the beginning of my healing
process.”
Expressive writing
Expressive Writing is a self-help therapy in
which one writes about a traumatic event.
Research shows that Expressive Writing
improves the immune system, liver function,
and mood. It reduces blood pressure, pain,
and post-traumatic symptoms. Expert
opinion differs on why Expressive Writing
works. Some say that the emotional release
is the healing factor. Most agree that writing
turns the experience into a meaningful
story. The American psychologist James W.
Pennebaker researched Expressive Writing and conducted a fascinating
study in the nineties. One day in 1994, Jonas T., who had been employed
for thirty years in a Dallas computer company, was called into the office.
He was thanked for his service and handed a dismissal slip. A security
officer escorted him back to his office to clean out his desk and then led
him to the exit. One hundred other employees of the firm lost their jobs
that day. You can imagine their rage and frustration! Several months later,
James Pennebaker contacted more than half of the group and invited
them to take part in an experiment. A third of the participants were asked
to write about their feelings surrounding the loss of their job. The others
either wrote about neutral or pleasant experiences or did no writing. It
soon became apparent that those who poured out their bitterness, rage,
and fear onto the page had a dramatic advantage over their colleagues.
More than a quarter found work within three months. A much smaller
percentage of the others found a new job, although all of them spent
the same time hunting for jobs. Since then, there have been numerous
studies that show that Expressive Writing can heal body and soul.
You might like to try Expressive Writing. Here is how to do it: write for
at least fifteen minutes without stopping. Don’t worry about spelling or
punctuation. Answer the following questions: What happened? How did
I feel about this? Why did I feel that way?
step 2: Presence
To be present is our natural state of mind. What I mean by ‘being present’
is an awareness of the moment we are actually living right now. If you
observe your mind, you will notice that you spend a lot of time lost in
thoughts and dreams, whilst functioning on autopilot. But look at babies
and see how present they are: they don’t spend time remembering the
past or wondering about the future. Babies show that to be present is to
return to the natural state of mind we were born with. It’s difficult to be
present during a crisis because the mind is in the grip of four mind states:
distraction, obsession, intrusive images, and catastrophising. These states
are fueled by emotions, especially by anger, jealousy, and fear, as well as
by guilt and shame.
Obsession
An obsession is a thought or story that plays over and over in the mind,
rather like a loop. When we are in crisis, we often get caught in such
thought-loops, and that can be debilitating. There are certain emotions
that trigger thought-loops. For example, emotions such as anger or shame
can make us return to a particular memory over and over again. Fear,
on the other hand, can create gripping visions of the future, fuelled by
questions of ‘what if?’.
Maybe you are wondering how to recognise when you are at the mercy of
obsessive thoughts? They are the times when you just can’t get a thought
out of your head. Let’s say, for example, that you are enraged with
your partner or your boss. You will most likely have thoughts running
repeatedly through your mind, such as “How could he/she do this to
me?”, or “He/she always does this!”, or “Next time I see him/her, I’ll…”
That’s a thought-loop.
When you notice that you are in the grip of a thought-loop, say to
yourself: “I let go.” Then shake off your obsessive thoughts with a change
in your posture. If you are sitting, stand up. If you are standing, walk
across the room. If you find that you keep getting caught in obsessive
thoughts, immerse yourself in simple physical tasks. Wash the dishes,
tidy your desk, wash the car, or weed the garden. Focused activity dispels
thought-loops. Obsessive thoughts are fuelled by strong emotions. It helps
to identify and honour the emotions that underlie a particular thought-
loop. You might want to check within to see which main emotion is in
play. Is it rage? Or jealousy? Or fear? Or grief?
Once we kindly acknowledge the underlying emotion, the obsessive
thoughts diminish.
Scattered mind
In a crisis, the mind is fractured. It tends to jump around without being
able to settle on a single clear thought. Heightened emotions drive and
reinforce the turmoil. Anger and shame turn the mind towards the past,
whereas fear evokes scary visions of the future. As I explain further down,
mindful action is an antidote to a scattered mind.
Catastrophising
The mind tends to dwell on the
worst possible scenarios in a crisis.
For example, if we are unwell and
are waiting for test results, we
may well imagine a catastrophic
outcome. In our mind, we may
even already see ourself lying in
a grave surrounded by tearful
family and friends.
When you get caught in such negative visions, it helps to identify your
state of mind. Remind yourself: “Oh, I’m catastrophising.”
Intrusive images
If we have had a traumatic experience, we may suffer from intrusive
images. This was the experience of Paul S., a forestry worker. Paul was
the first person at the scene of a crash. He rushed over and found two
young men dying in the front seats and a girl dead in the back. He came
to see me.
“I can’t sleep,” he said. “I keep on hearing the sound of tearing metal.
And then I see the dead girl in the back seat. I just can’t get the images
out of my head.”
“Is there something that you haven’t been able to share with anyone?”
Paul looked away and was silent.
“Yes,” he finally said.
“Would you like to tell me about it?”
Paul got up and paced back and forth. Then he nodded.
“I ran up to the car and looked inside,” he said. “There was blood
everywhere. The two boys in front were still alive. But the girl on the back
seat was crumpled and her eyes were wide open. I knew at once that she
was dead. Her eyes disturbed me. And then—”
Paul sat down and put his head in his hands.
“Then I reached in and closed her eyes. I’ve not been able to say that
to anyone before.”
After Paul got the secret off his chest, he started sleeping again and the
images faded and stopped in time. He had begun his healing journey.
If you find that telling a trusted person about your experience doesn’t
alleviate your suffering, then it might be good to commit to more
extensive therapy.
Emotional numbness
Numbness is an absence of feeling. If someone were to ask after a shocking
experience, “How do you feel?” You may not know what to say because
you feel numb. The role of numbness is to shield ourselves from the
impact of the disaster. Numbness tends to shut down all emotions. As a
result we feel remote—even from our own body. It may be tempting to
use alcohol or drugs to numb emotions. Sometimes it might even feel
as if it using alcohol or drugs helps you to cope or heal. But in reality,
this will only postpone the healing process.
The numb soul craves diversion. You
may find yourself glued to the TV, or
surfing the web, or playing computer
games. Although such activities seem
restful, they are unhelpful. Diversions
keep you numb. And you need to
climb out of numbness in order to
heal. Of course there can be fear around letting go of numbness and
getting in touch with your feelings. The numbness is a natural protection
from the force of emotions at a time of crisis. So, it’s important to honour
your numbness and let it fade away in its own time. My point here is that
it’s important not to drive yourself deeper into numbness through using
drugs, alcohol or mind-numbing games. I have found that it’s better to
clean the bathroom, go for a walk, or immerse myself in other simple
activities.
Whilst numbness is a natural response to crisis, it is also possible to get
stuck in this no-man’s-land.
This happened to Frieda S. She was a young countrywoman who arrived
at my doorstep in the grip of a deep depression.
“I feel dead inside,” she said. She sat hunched over and her voice was
flat. Then she told me that she didn’t feel any love for her partner, wasn’t
interested in her job and could find no spark of passion for anything or
anyone.
Some time later, when she had learned to trust me, she began to speak of
what had happened to her as a child.
“When I had just turned eleven, I took my bike out for a spin,” she
said. “I rode through the nearby forest.” Her hands began to shake and
she clasped them in her lap. “There was a man walking towards me…”
Her voice trailed off and she was unable to continue for a while. It
took a long time to tell her story. But she finally revealed the secret she had
kept to herself ever since that time.
The man stopped her to ask for the time. He then grabbed her and
dragged her off into the bushes. She endured a horrific sexual assault and
torture that lasted for hours. Finally, the man tried to strangle her and
she lost consciousness.
“When I came to,” she said, “I was covered with branches. I was too
terrified to move because I thought the man was still there. After a while,
I wriggled out from under the heap. He must have thought I was dead.”
I could see that she was shaking.
“What do you feel as you talk about this?”
“Nothing,” Frieda said.“ I don’t feel anything.” She pressed her hands
between her knees.
“What happened then?”
“My clothes were all torn and bloody. He had taken my bike so I had
to walk home, although everything hurt so much. When I got home, I
found that my parents were out, so I cleaned myself up, hid my clothes,
and went to bed. Later, I told them I’d fallen off my bike.”
“Didn’t you tell anyone about this?”
“How could I? I felt so ashamed. I thought it was my fault.”
She was dry-eyed as she shared her harrowing story with me. Then she
suddenly stopped speaking and peered at me.
“Why are you crying?” She said.
I wiped away my tears. “Well—” I said, “someone has to cry to about
this.”
She looked at me in surprise. That was a moment when things began to
change for Frieda. It was as if my tears had penetrated her numbness.
After that, it still took a long time to come to terms with what had
happened. But as she took the five steps of healing, she slowly emerged
from her numbness.
Fear
A crisis catapults us out of our comfort zone
and this creates fear. A natural antidote to fear
is action. I remember a day in the mountains
with my friend Hans M. We were climbing a
tricky rock face. Hans had gone ahead and was
belaying me on the rope. I was struggling. Just
as I was halfway up the climb, I came to a ledge
where I could rest for a moment. I looked up
and thought, “I don’t know if I’m going to
make it.” Suddenly my knees went soggy and
my whole body began to shake. I clung to the
rock face, unable to move. Then I looked down. It was a vertical drop of
thirty metres. I felt dizzy and nauseous.
Hans realised that I had stopped, and he shouted down, “What’s up?”
“I can’t do it!” I sobbed.
“There’s only one way. And that’s up!”
“I can’t!”
“Grab the next handhold, then step up!”
I could hardly hear him above the hammering of my heart. But, I started
climbing again: one grip, one step, and then the next. My fear decreased
the moment I started to move. When I got to the top, I was shaking, but
I had learned an important lesson: action conquers fear.
Anger
When we are in crisis, we usually feel angry at some stage. When we are
engulfed by rage, we instantly lose any sense of equanimity. The strength
of our anger can trigger actions
that we later regret. The words
we speak in anger can damage
or even break the delicate
strands of trust and love that
connect us to those we love.
To find our way back to
peacefulness, it is important to
find ways to work skillfully with our anger. This doesn’t mean trying to
put a lid on strong emotions. After all, emotions are what make us human.
Working with our anger has an unexpected outcome: we find that our
capacity for loving-kindness and compassion increases. This is rather like
using the compost bin in the garden: we fill it with all sorts of garden
refuse and unappetizing food scraps. And then it heats up and microbes
get busy. When the work is done, we find that all of this mess has turned
into beautiful compost that helps the plants grow and flourish. So this
is what we need to do with anger, we need to turn it into medicine that
heals and nourishes ourselves, as well as others. Let’s now take a closer
look at anger. There are three main aspects of anger:
Firstly, it is a compelling body experience. I am sure you, too, have
experienced the roiling fire in the belly that spells anger.
Secondly, this body feeling is accompanied by a gripping storyline in
the shape of a thought-loop. We tend to go over and over the same story
without any respite or resolve. Of course, it is this process that keeps
anger at the boil!
Thirdly, anger is usually a cover-up for other unpleasant emotions, such
as hurt or fear.
In the following five steps, I outline an approach to working with anger:
Get your bearings

The turmoil and confusion that anger
creates is quite debilitating. So, the first
step when you are embroiled in turmoil
is to get your bearings. Investigate your
anger with tender care. Find out which
emotion is tucked away behind your
anger. Do you feel jealous? Or hurt?
Or inadequate? Or fearful? Find what
that emotional field is and then name
it. Make sure that the naming is free
of judgement and full of compassion.
When the naming and acknowledging
of emotions is charged with utmost
compassion and love, the wounded heart begins to heal.
Listen to the body

The second step of healing is to listen to the body. Each emotional field
has a voice in the body, if we listen carefully. Notice which sensations in
your body correspond to your emotional field; notice which parts of your
body are clenched, or where there is a trembling or an empty feeling and
so on.
Let go of story
The third step of healing is to let go
of story. You will find that the feelings
in your body are accompanied by a
compelling story. This is the realm
of rumination. Our mind seems to
circle endlessly around a painful
issue. We rerun past battles endlessly
and invent future conversations.
If you have ever gone white-water
rafting or kayaking you will know about the terrifying vortex that can
appear just after you have crested a hidden boulder. If you fall out of the
raft at that point, there is a danger of being caught in such a hole and
being sucked down again and again, just as you soon as you surface for
a moment.
This is how it is with thought loops. We seem to be sucked into stories
and there seems to be no rescue. When you are in this situation, you will
find that there are short moments of awareness in which you realise that
you are trapped in a thought loop. In such moments, when you ‘come up
for air’, say to you self with kindness, “I let go of story”.
When you become aware of your story, you may find that there are
three different layers. A surface layer may be directly connected with the
experience that set off your anger. A second layer may consist of memories
that fit the occasion. Thoughts from that second layer often start with,
“She always…” or “He always…” A third layer is touched when one of
our core stories is triggered. These core stories define how we see ourselves
and the world. They pose as truths, not as judgements. Such stories may
appear as sweeping statements, such as: ‘Nobody ever…’, ‘Nobody loves
me!’, ‘I am useless!’ And so on.
Whatever the story is—let it go. Sometimes, our deep stories are hard to
articulate, but they express themselves in posture. Notice any habitual
posture your body takes up at such a time.
Letting go of stories is a miraculous antidote to anger. Try it out next time
you are angry, remove yourself from the interchange and stay in a quiet
environment. For a quarter of an hour, sweep each angry thought from
your mind as it arrives. Don’t let up! If you can do this without interruption
for fifteen minutes, you will notice that your anger has abated. This may
seem impossible at first but you will improve with practice.
Meet suffering with love

It’s important that we meet our suffering with love.
Here is a simple way to do that. When you notice emotions swirling in
your body and mind, place your hand gently on your heart region. It’s as
if you are comforting yourself, and saying gently, “It’s all right.”
Make peace
Reconciliation and peace begins
with us. Sometimes, we don’t
want to be the first to reach out
to the one we are in conflict with.
Especially if we are locked into
the idea that a conflict is about
scoring points. To make the first
move towards reconciliation may
look like a weaker position. But really, the one who initiates peace is the
wise one. Peace is not an individual matter. If you wish to experience
peace yourself, you have to make peace with others.
You may wonder, what is the first step towards reconciliation? To come
back into communication is the most important step. It may be difficult
and painful for us to express where we are at, and to listen to the other’s
pain. But, communication is always a move towards more peacefulness.
Jealousy
If your relationship has broken up, jealousy may be a dominant emotion.
To feel jealous is to be in a hell realm of rage, pain and despair. Jealousy
can be all consuming.
One September morning, Sandra K. came home a day early from
her trip away and found her partner in bed with her best friend. In
a rage, she turned him out of her flat and threw his belongings on to
the street. Sandra spent the next three weeks alternating between rage
and despair. She was consumed by jealous thoughts and memories that
played repeatedly. Her studies at university suffered and she felt unable
to complete assignments.
“I was tormented,” she said. “I kept seeing the image of them lying
naked in my bed. I felt so angry and humiliated! My self-esteem plum-
meted. Finally, I started to work through the steps of healing. Soon, I was
able to refocus my life and my grades came back up.”
Guilt
No matter what crisis you are experiencing, there is bound to be a feeling
of guilt. Whether you have lost someone you love, or you have broken up
with your partner, lost your job, or experienced a financial collapse, there
will always be something to feel guilty about. However, it is important to
give yourself permission to be human. Failure is a necessary part of life.
An old adage says:
‘Learn to fail, or fail to learn’.
Low self-esteem
A crisis impacts upon self-esteem. Jim H., a successful share-trader said
after his divorce:
“I feel that it was my fault that Helen left me. I keep thinking that
there is something about me that is unlovable. I seem to have lost a lot
of confidence, even at work. It’s as if self-doubt has infected all areas of
my life.”
Even an accident or the death of a loved one occasions a dip in confidence.
We lose the sense of who we are. Although this feels uncomfortable, it can
be a blessing. The idea of who we are is artificial. To find new confidence,
you have to let go of who and what we think we are.
Depression
When adversity strikes it is natural to feel low. It is like sustaining a severe
physical injury. If you are gravely injured in a car crash, you don’t jump
up the next day feeling full of energy.
Here are seven simple feel-better strategies:
• Make a list of necessary tasks to avoid
feeling overwhelmed. Plan the week so
that you do one major task per day. If
the task feels too big, break it down into
smaller steps.
• Stay well-groomed. Take a daily shower,
shave or apply make-up. If you can, pay
a visit to a barber, a hairdresser, a massage
therapist, a manicurist or a beauty parlour.
• Set your pulse racing at least once a day with a brisk walk or other
exercise. Researchers have found that exercise stimulates feel-good
brain chemicals called endorphins, and that it can be as effective as
antidepressant medication.
• Get out and about each day. Go to work if you can, or visit friends,
go for a walk, or do the grocery shopping.
• Play music that lifts your spirits.
• Spend time with children. Interact with them and join in their
games.
• Spend time with friends. If you don’t have friends nearby, keep in
contact by phone or internet.
If your low mood persists and you notice ongoing changes in your sleeping
or eating pattern, or have thoughts of self-harm, you may be slipping into
a clinical depression. In that case, you need to go and see a physician.
Depression is a dangerous illness and you may need to be on medication
for a while—as well as using the seven feel-better strategies.
The path to presence

To be present is to be fully alive. Caught in a fog of memories, hopes and
fears, we miss the moment. The present moment is a space without past
or future. On our healing journey, moments of presence are points of rest
and renewal. As we move towards healing, the moments of presence will
become more frequent, especially if we practise meditation.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness can help us to integrate difficult experiences. It is an anchor
that holds us in the present moment. Whenever we wake up to the
present moment, we emerge from
grief, rage or fear. A good way towards
more mindfulness is the practice of
tender regard. Notice what happens
when you treat each thing with tender
regard, whether it’s the doorhandle, or
the coffee cup, or the neighbour.
step 3: Action
To heal it is important for us to overcome apathy. Apathy, the
unwillingness to engage in action comes in many guises. It can range
from ‘too exhausted’ to ‘can’t be bothered’. It’s the physical expression
of emotional numbness. Action is the way out of apathy because
movement triggers energy.
Exercise
Exercise is one of the most important ways of breaking out of paralysis
and apathy. It has many different functions. Not only does exercise help
the body to deal with stress, it also helps the soul to heal. It doesn’t have
to be strenuous exercise; even gentle movement is helpful.
Facing the future
We can overcome paralysis by actively
facing the future. For example, if we
have been diagnosed with a grave
illness, it’s helpful to search out
some information about it. If we
have experienced a crushing financial
blow, it’s important to weigh one’s
options. If your relationship has
ended, you may need to seek a
lawyer’s advice and look at all the
implications.
If you find this too overwhelming,
ask your friends or professionals to
help you. In any case, just focus just on the next step, and don’t look
beyond it. When you are in crisis, there can be a tendency to hide away
from people. But, it is important to keep contact with others and to ask
for their help. One way of overcoming isolation is to set simple goals: to
ring or meet up with one person each day and to say ‘yes’ to the activities
our friends propose, even if you don’t feel like it.
step 4: Forgiveness
Forgiveness puts grievance to rest.
To be able to forgive, we must first overcome hate, resentment, and
bitterness, and develop loving-kindness and compassion.
Hate and resentment

Hate and resentment are destructive emotions. Hate implies a sharp
sense of separation between ourselves and who we see as the ‘enemy’.
Forgiveness allows hate to transform into compassion.
Resentment is an emotion that dwells on grievances. It shows up in a
righteous attitude in which we blame others, and not ourselves.
Righteousness paints a black and white picture in which we are right and
the other person is wrong. It is helpful to reflect on the part that we play
or played in a particular interaction that aroused resentment.
Bitterness
Ingrained resentment leads to bitterness. It’s a negative attitude that can
become habitual. Bitterness kills joy and contentment and is a symptom of
being stuck in trauma. Forgiveness can help us to emerge from bitterness.
The path to forgiveness

To forgive is difficult. Many people indulge in grudges for years or even
decades. It seems even more difficult to forgive ourselves. Forgiveness is not an
act of will. It’s not a psychological, but a spiritual process. Forgiveness means
that we have to let go of resentment, righteous indignation, and anger.
We can’t will ourselves to forgive. But, if we cultivate loving-kindness and
compassion, forgiveness can grow.
Loving-kindness
Loving-kindness is a heartfelt aspiration for
the happiness and wellbeing of ourselves
and others. It helps our heart to be open
to patience, gentleness, humour and
generosity. Loving-kindness is an antidote
to resentment, hatred, fear, and bitterness.
To extend kindness to others feels good.
But, what about kindness towards one’s
self? I think you will agree with me that
in our Western culture, kindness to one’s
self is equated with selfishness. However,
we need to learn to be kind to ourselves
before we can be truly kind to others.
In times of crisis, we need to treat ourselves with tender regard. It’s important
not to feel pressured by the expectation of others. Our individual healing
journey is unique and will take the shape and time that it needs.
Compassion
The way to forgiveness is through
compassion. Compassion is the highest
level of spiritual maturity. It isn’t a
personality trait that we either have or
lack; we can practise and develop it.
On a psychological level, compassion is
a feeling of sorrow and concern in the
face of our own or another’s suffering.
This emotion can be short-lived.
Just observe your reaction to suffering
described in the news. You may feel
compassion as you watch the images or
listen to the story, but an hour later you
have forgotten all about it.
On a spiritual level, compassion is a fulfilment of human potential. It
means opening our heart and mind and recognising a kinship with all
beings.
Compassion for our fellow human beings is a cornerstone of many of the
world’s spiritual traditions. It is one of the great transformative human
emotions because in showing compassion we transcend the constraints
of our “self ” and embrace a broader, more open-minded view of life that
emphasises human connectedness rather than individuality. This sense
of kinship brings insight and healing both to ourselves and to the people
whom we show compassion towards.
At the core of compassion lies empathy. With empathy, we can step
into the shoes of another person and feel our way into their life, so that
we can find understanding and acceptance of their actions. One of the
most extraordinary stories of grief and hate turning to compassion and
forgiveness is the following story of Linda and Peter Biehl.
In 1993 their daughter, Amy Biehl, an 26-year old Fulbright Scholar,
went to South Africa to work in underprivileged communities. Shortly
before the end of the apartheid era, Amy Biehl was stoned and knifed to
death by a crowd of young blacks.
As you can imagine, Linda and Peter were devastated. After a while, they
decided to visit South Africa to understand what Amy’s life had been
like. They visited Guguletu, the back township where Amy’s killers grew
up. As they drove slowly along the potholed streets and saw the hostile
glances, they locked their car doors and hunched down in their seats.
Afterwards, during an interview with CBS Linda said, “I can understand
how, if you were a youth living in these conditions, you could be stirred
up, and you could become violent.”
Peter and Linda then decided to establish the Amy Biehl Foundation that
offers after-school and vocational training to young people of Guguletu
and other black townships.
Meanwhile, the four young men who killed Amy were pardoned and
released from prison in 1998 after serving four years. Soon after that, two
of them, Easy Nofemela and Ntobeko Peni, made contact with Amy’s
parents. You can imagine how hard it was for Linda and Peter to meet
face to face with their daughter killers. But when they saw how bleak
their prospects were, they decided to offer help and support to Easy
and Ntobeko. Easy and Ntobeko started training in one of the Biehls’
programmes and now work for the Amy Biehl Foundation. Ntobeko is
Programme Manager and Easy is Sport Facilitator.
“It’s terrific to be able to do that,” Peter Biehl said. “It just absolutely
sets me free.”
This story shows how powerful and healing the journey of compassion
can be. Whenever I balk at forgiving someone, I remind myself of the
Biehls and their journey of healing. Then I open to compassion and take
the first step of forgiveness—which is stepping in the shoes of those who
have hurt me.
step 5: Integration
Think of your life as a map. At the centre of this map are the areas that
stand for people, activities or things that you hold dear. When a life crisis
happens, a central piece gets erased from that map. Integration means
redrawing our map of life and filling the empty place with new meaning.
For this process you need to rebuild confidence, and develop acceptance
and resilience.
Finding fresh confidence

Fresh confidence comes through embracing the new shape of your
life. Here is the experience of Brendan P., a marketing executive in an
international firm:
Brendan was dismissed from employment at age 57. His work had been
the focus of his life. When Brendan found himself out of work, his first
reaction was panic. Then he fell into a deep depression. Finally, his wife
begged him to come and see me. He started moving through the five
steps of healing and began to feel better. One day I asked him:
“What’s your sense of life now?”
“I realise how much I’ve missed out on in the last years through being
so focussed on my job.” Brendan looked at the ground, deep in thought.
Then he continued:
“My relationship with my wife has suffered because I’ve either been
too busy or too exhausted to spend time with her. And my son—I can’t
remember the last time I had a proper conversation with him. And there’s
something else…”
Brendan opened his briefcase and rustled around in it.
“I feel a bit shy about this,” he said. “But I want to show you
something.
He handed me a sketchbook. “I’ve sketched some pictures.”
“This is great!” I said.
“I’ve always wanted to draw and paint,” he said. “It’s only now, after
losing my job that I’ve found the courage to put brush to paper.”
Some months later, Brendan found a new job. It wasn’t as well paid or as
fast paced. But, it allowed him to have time and energy for his relationship
with his wife and his son. He started painting in earnest and had his first
exhibition two years later. He now paints full-time.
“It was the best thing that ever happened to me!” Brendan said later.
“I found my real passion in life and the courage to pursue it. That has
given me a new sense of confidence.”
Developing resilience
Resilience is the ability to bounce back. This doesn’t mean that our life will
regain the exact shape it had before the crisis. After all, when we throw a
rubber ball it does not bounce back on exactly the same trajectory. The
secret of resilience is the ability to see a crisis as an opportunity for a new
beginning. Remember, a new beginning can only happen when the old
form disintegrates.
New goals
A crisis can open new doors in life.
It can be a time when we realise what
is most important in our life. Some
dreams may seem impossible, but with
persistence they can be realised. This is
what happened to Janice T.:
Janice had just celebrated her seventy-
fifth birthday when catastrophe struck:
her husband of fifty years had a heart
attack and died. She went into shock and
grief. For a year all she wanted was to die
too, because life seemed too hard. Then
she took up meditation and gardening. When spring came she began to
feel small moments of satisfaction and peacefulness. One day I visited her
and she showed me her seedlings.
“Look!” She said.” They are so eager for life. See how they are unfold-
ing their first leaves!” She turned to face me. For the first time since her
loss I could see a measure of peacefulness in her face. We settled in the
garden and drank a cup of tea.
“What do you really want to do with your life now?” I asked.
“My son wants me to go into a retirement home.”
“You haven’t answered my question.”
“I’m too old to start something new.”
“If you weren’t too old, what would you like to start?” I asked.
Janice put down her cup. “I know it sounds silly, but I would like to
design clothes. I’d like to design clothes that women my age would enjoy
wearing.” Then she clapped her hand to her mouth. “But my children
would think I’m crazy if I started something like that at my age.”
Six months later, Janice started her new business. Now, some years later,
her designs have taken off and she is enjoying a new lease of life.
“Following my impossible dream has changed my life. I thought the
death of my husband was the end of the road, but it was the beginning
of a new pathway.”
Rising from the ashes

There is an ancient myth about the phoenix. It was said to be a bird that
sets itself on fire when it becomes old and is then reborn out of the ashes.
Like the image of the chrysalis, this story intimates that a death of sorts
is necessary for something new to happen.
Look at nature: plants die in winter and new sprouts appear in spring.
The eggshell breaks when the chick emerges. We need to remind ourselves
that every crisis is an invitation to a new beginning. Even events that we
dread, such as a terminal illness or the death of a loved one, can hold
a promise for an unfolding. A while ago, Marion V., a woman in her
forties, came to see me. Her eyes were sorrowful, but she was composed
and upright.
“I have come through an unimaginable nightmare,” she said. “One
morning—just a year ago—I went into my daughter’s room to wake her
up for school. Jessica was seventeen at the time. I found her hanging from
a rafter. She had killed herself during the night.” Her eyes filled with
tears. She went to the window and rested her forehead against the glass.
After a while she whispered, “I had to cut her down.”
A long silence fell. Then I asked her, “What was that moment like
for you?”
Marion sat down and ruffled her hair. “I couldn’t feel anything at
all. I rang the police and then sat down on the floor, holding Jessica. I felt
that I, too, had died.”
Marion then talked about the past year.
“I was numb for a long time. After a while, I began to feel terrible
waves of grief and guilt. I couldn’t leave the house and feared that I was
losing my mind. In all of this, I began to wonder about the mystery of life
and death. And these questions finally led me to meditation. I started to
explore spirituality and have a journey that I would never have dreamed
of. I have spent the last month on retreat.”
Marion was still for a while, staring at her hands. Then she looked up.
“One day, when I was sitting outside in the last light of the day
during the retreat, I suddenly knew what I want to do with my life. I
want to work with parents of children who have committed suicide, and
help them through their experience. If I do that, Jessica’s death wasn’t in
vain.”
After a while I asked, “What is your experience of life now, a year
after her death?”
“The pain is still here,” she said, placing her hand on her heart. “But
I feel a great tenderness now and I am at peace. I have come to life again,
but my life has a new meaning. That is Jessica’s gift to me.”
Marion is like a phoenix rising from the ashes. She allowed her experience
of Jessica’s death to mould her life into a new shape. Her spiritual quest
opened her heart to compassion and she is now ready to give support to
others who suffer.
Completion
When we have completed the five steps
of healing, we are ready to re-emerge into
life. Trapped in the middle of a life crisis,
it’s hard for us to find joy because crisis
creates numbness. However, when we
move through the five steps of healing,
we can experience the warm zestful
energy in the heart that is joy. And with this comes shy reverence: we
find that even in the darkest hours of life—if we are truly present—joy
shines in the depths.
Learn more secrets of
daily happy healthy
living from my blog.
I love helping people, and every week I write about new
ways that people can change their lives for the better.
Reading my blog will also help you recover from loss or trauma
by providing you with new insight and instruction for dealing
with issues like loss, stress, anger, and depression. On those especially
hard days you can turn to my page for help and relief.
Since my blog is also read by thousands of people just like you, who
have just been through really difficult times, it is a great place to go
for support. Read along with others that have experienced similar
events and learn from their reactions and comments to my articles.
You can also go to my site and share your own feelings about the
recovery process. Maybe you came up with something that really
helped you while reading my book and want to share it
with others, so that they can benefit as well.
My site is free and offers great advice for anyone looking to

live a happier life. Please come visit for advice, insight,
or just to share in the happiness community.
www.goodlifezen.com

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When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

© Mary Jaksch 2008

The path to acceptance

Get your bearings

Listen to the body

Meet suffering with love

The path to presence

Hate and resentment

The path to forgiveness

Finding fresh confidence

Rising from the ashes

My site is free and offers great advice for anyone looking to

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