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FRONT Magazine 2010-11

FRONT Magazine 2010-11

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True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
THIS IS THE face
the enemy fears

This is force multiplied.
RelEntLesS. Exacting. PrEcise.

THIS is a new breed of warrior.
for A new breED OF WARFARE.

This is tier 1.
© 2010 El ectroni c Arts I nc. EA, the EA l ogo and Medal of Honor are trademarks of El ectroni c Arts I nc. The DI CE l ogo i s a trademark of EA Di gi tal I l l usi ons CE AB. Xbox, Xbox 360,
Xbox LI VE, and the Xbox l ogos are trademarks of the Mi crosoft group of compani es and are used under l i cense from Mi crosoft. The “PS” Fami l y l ogo i s a regi stered
trademark and “PS3” i s a trademark of Sony Computer Entertai nment I nc. The Pl ayStati on Network Logo i s a ser vi ce mark of Sony Computer Entertai nment I nc.
Al l other trademarks are the property of thei r respecti ve owners.
medalofhonor.com
Pre-Order your
Limited Edition Now
15.10.10
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We lose 90 per cent of our body heat
through the top of our heads, readers. It’s
a terrifying thought, isn’t it? And what’s
more, it’s not just us who are affected: it’s a
problem for sexy girls, too. Yep, even girls as
perfect as this month’s cover star, Natalie
Blair. That’s why we thought it essential
that she donned a woolly hat for the cover.
You can say a lot of things about FRONT –
much of it bad and most of it true – but one
thing we won’t hear is that we let our cover
stars freeze their balls off. Not that Natalie
has balls, or anything, you understand.
On the other hand, if you’re
concerned about the plight of your
own testicles, should you own a pair
or even just one, then jump right
in to this issue of FRONT. There’s
plenty of hot cockle-warming
action going down over the next
146 pages, which should be more
than enough to get you and your
quivering gonads through the
chilly Autumn nights.
H
A
T
’S

A
M
A
ZIN
G

We love you all,
Joe Barnes,
editor
U
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.C
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storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
THE PLAYERS
editor
Joe Barnes
Art director
Steve Beech
ASSociAte editor
Mike Rampton
Picture editor
Adam Gordon
Production editor
Sam Coare
FunnY StuFF
Joe Madden
FAShion editor
William Barnes
dePutY Art director
Will Jack
entertAinment editor
Si Cunningham
Front online
James ‘Stoney’ Brouard
SnAP, crAcKle And SWAn
Chris Sayer
GAmeS editor
Alex Sim-Wise
SeXY columniStS
Alex Sim-Wise, Von
mediA deSiGner
Mike ‘Sadface’ McCabe
editoriAl ASSiStAnt
Lexi Rose
contributorS
Zoe McConnell, Keaton Henson,
Davy Lewis (cars), Toni Knevitt
(pictures), Matt Skiff, Becky Rule,
Short, Alex De Mora, Alistair
Lawrence, Wuese Houston-Jibo,
Andy Dawson, Hayley Forester,
Christopher McLallen, Joel Amat,
Jess Long, Kirstin Prisk, Lee
Vincent Grubb, Ed Godden,
Louie Banks, Bartosz Ludwinski,
Dan Wilton
WorKie Scum
Ben Breading, Kate Stewart
THE MANAGEMENT
chieF eXecutive oFFicer,
the KAne corPorAtion
Dominic McVey
dm@frontarmy.co.uk
ADVERTISING
AdvertiSinG mAnAGer
Stephen Jobling
stephen.jobling@frontarmy.co.uk
020 3141 9852
THE
TEAM
Nopart of thismagazinemaybereproduced, storedinaretrieval systemor transmittedinanyformwithout prior writtenpermission. FRONTmaynot besoldat morethantherecommendedretail priceshownonthecover. All pricesarecorrect at timeof goingtopress. FRONTcannot beheldresponsiblefor
unsolicitedmaterial. Readers arewelcome tosendletters, photographs andarticles theyhavewritten, but KaneLtdcannot guarantee topublishsuchmaterial, nor returnit. If anSAEis sent withunsolicitedmaterial wewill, however, endeavour toreturnit.Whileeveryeffort is made toensuresuitabilityof
contributions,KaneLtdacceptnoresponsibilityforthesubmittedmaterialsherein.Anymaterial sent toFRONTisdonesoontheunderstandingthatKaneLtdmayreusesaidmaterial inanycurrentorlaterprintedorelectronicform.Submissionsshouldonlybemadeifthisisclearlyunderstoodandagreed.Gifts
andsupplementsarerestrictedtoUKcopiesonly. Subscriptionsenquiries:e-mail front@webscribe.co.uk, call 01442879097or visit frontarmy.co.uk. BasicAnnual Rate:UK£49.40, Europe£67, Rest of world£84. All overseasdispatchisviaairmail andincludesp&pwhereapplicable; thispriceincludesIVA/VAT.
DistributedbyComagSpecialist,TavistockWorks,TavistockRoad,West Drayton, MiddlesexUB77QX(01895-433800). Publishedfour-weekly. ©2010KaneLtd. FRONT, 2-4Noel Street, London,W1F8GB. E-mail:front@frontarmy.co.uk. Registeredat thePost Officeasamagazine, ISSN1464-4053.Weoccasionally
usematerial webelievehasbeenplacedinthepublicdomain.Sometimesitisnotpossibletoidentifyandcontactthecopyrightholder.IfyouclaimownershipofsomethingKaneLtdhaspublished,KaneLtdwill bepleasedtomakethecorrectacknowledgement.FRONTcompetitionrules:Inall cases,competition
editorial makesuppart of thecompetition’srules. ■Inaddition:■Postal entriesacceptedat addressabove, if clearlymarkedfor whichcompetitionandreceivedbeforeclosingdateprinted. ■Postal entriesshouldbesubmittedonapostcard:onepostal entryper competition, per household, will beaccepted.
■Responsibilitycannot beacceptedfor delayed, damagedor illegiblepostal entries, or poorlyrecordedphoneentries. ■Nocashalternativesavailabletoprizesoffered. ■Winnerspickedat randomfrompool of entries. ■Unlessstatedincopy, event ticket prizesdonot includetravel toor fromevent. FRONT
competitionsarenotopentoemployeesorfamilymembersofKaneLtd,associatedproductioncompaniesororganisationsconnectedtotheprize.■ Competitions,unlessstatedotherwise,areorganisedbyFRONTattheaddressabove.Correspondencewillnotbeenteredintobythemagazineaboutcompetitions,
but alist of winnerswill besuppliedtoreaderswhosendastamped,self-addressedenvelope.■CompetitionsopentoUKresidentsonly. ■FRONTendeavourstoissueprizesasshown. Intheevent theshownprizeisnot available,FRONTreservestheright tosubstitutetheprizewithanitemof asimilar value.
office phone:
020 3141 9840
2-4 Noel Street, London, W1F 8GB
facebook.com/frontmag
front@frontarmy.co.uk
frontarmy.com
FRONT ISSN 1464-4053, is published monthly, 13 times per
year (twice in December) by Kane Publishing c/o USACAN
Media Dist. Srv. Corp at 26 Power Dam Way Suite S1-S3,
Plattsburgh, NY 12901. Pending Periodicals Postage paid at
Plattsburgh, NY. POSTMASTER: send address changes to Front
c/o Express Mag, P.O box 2769, Plattsburgh, NY 12901-0239
WHAT GOT US
THROUGH ISSUE
148
Cheers loads to the lovely
lads and lasses behind the
awesome Dead Rising 2, who
sent us a bunch of pizzas when
we were fucking hungry.
R
O
c
K
E
T

F
UE
L
SPINNY CHAIR
FOR MIKE
We’re no fans of lateness
here, so we punished
funny-eared design whiz
Mike’s lack of punctuality
by making him down lots
of booze and take on the
spinny chair. He did very,
very badly, and almost
totalled the printer. Silly boy.
FRONT MEETS
BRET HART
For no reason anyone can
really work out, designer
Will Jack was flown to
Los Angeles recently, and
bumped into none other
than wrestling legend Bret
Hart. Why did this happen?
Luckily, everyone involved
has been sacked.
TRASH TALK
VS FRONT
Them bloody mentalists
Trash Talk came into the
office this month, and to
celebrate, we arm-wrestled
the bastards. We didn’t do
so well, losing like little
babies. Soon afterwards we
got horrendously drunk and
questioned our manhood.
After making
about 40 coffees in
one morning and
leaving us totally
coffee’d out, we sent
workie Kate off to
get some beverages
free from coffee.
Lo and behold,
she returned with
this: boozy coffee.
Kate is clearly
destined for a life
of alcoholism.
WORKIE DONE GOOD
MELLISA
CAUGHT
RED HANDED
No less than nine seconds after
the workie brought booze into
the office did we find sexy
FRONT girl Mellisa trying to
nick it. We’d have been mad,
but hey, two of our favourite
things ever.
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FRONT ISSUE 148 10
RANTS AND RAVES FROM
READERS AND M
ENTALISTS
GOT A STORy yOu wANT
TO ShARE wITh uS? DROp
uS AN E-MAIL AT ThE
uSuAL ADDRESS
we salute Front
readers who’ve done
a good deed, survived
a ’Mare, or think they
should get a high-Five
For soMething trivial
Festivals for FRONT are a mess
of body fluids, shit food and
tent pegs ending up in invasive
places. Not so for Simon from
Bolton and mate Tim, pictured,
who have their priorities
properly sorted: booze,
FRONT and some fucking fire,
apparently. “Sadly, we used the
mag as fire fuel, but it had been
soaked with booze anyway,”
he said. Good work, sirs. Good
bloody work.
TiM & SiMON, FROM BOLTON
TEE? ShIT!
Maybe you should also go
stand in the corner and think
about what you’ve done. In
issue 146, you berate a poor
soul for wearing a ‘RONT’
T-shirt. I turned the page and
noticed an ad for T-shirts in
which the model was wearing
the exact same shirt design,
advertising ‘FRON’ magazine.
It’s to the corner for you.
Steven, via e-mail
Well, we hope you’re really
pleased with yourself, clever-
bollocks. This issue has been
produced entirely from the
dirt-filled corner. Well done,
you nit-picky bastard.
h
?
?
?
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
First of all, I started my
subscription, like, two days ago,
and the first issue arrived just
today – and I live in Sweden. That’s
sick fast! Also, I love you guys
for mentioning Arnie’s way of
saying “fuck you, asshole” in your
Expendables review.
Max, via e-MaiL
We’re stoked with the
appreciation, Swedish
Max. But haven’t you
got better things to do
over there than pat the
postman on the
back? Stuff like
pillaging towns
in your longboat,
stealing women
and drinking out
of cow horns?
Amazing.
facebook.com/frontmag
TXT 07717 605 946
front@frontarmy.co.uk
ISSUE 148 FRONT 11
YOUR
BURNING
OUESTIONS
ANSWERED
LETTERS WIN
PRIZES
The mouth from which this month’s
finest jibbering is muttered will be
quenched with
a delicously
brilliant case
of Tuborg’s
finest bubbles.
IT’S NOT
HAllOWEEN
without a
big load of veg being
completely ruined
by people fisting the
insides out, chucking
a flame in there and
inevitably kicking the
fuck out of it. It starts,
like most stories, with a
grumpy Irish bastard…
Stingy Jack was a
pissed-up farmer who,
according to folklore,
played tricks on
everyone. When
he died, Heaven
wouldn’t take him
because he was
such an arsehole,
and Hell wouldn’t
take him because
the Devil thought
he was a shit. He
was cursed, then,
to wander the earth,
with only an ember
from the fires of Hell
inside a hollowed-out
turnip that he’d nicked,
the wanker. He became
known as Jack o’the
Lantern, and versions of
his lantern were placed
outside people’s houses
to keep him out. In
America they preferred
pumpkins, and it all
went from there.
A
:
PUMPKINS ON
HAllOWEEN – WHAT’S
All THAT ABOUT, THEN?
Q
:
IT’S A PAIN IN the arse, isn’t it? In
the summer, when you’re on holiday
anyway, there’s tons of the buggers, but
in winter when you could really do with a few days
off to stay in bed and wank a day away, there’s fuck
all (in England and Wales anyway – Scotland and
Ireland have ’em). Why?
It’s all to do with cricket. Bank Holidays were
pretty much invented by Sir John Lubbock, a Liberal
MP, in 1871. He was a cricket enthusiast and the
president of the Institute Of Bankers, and had
grown up in villages that regularly had cricket
matches. He chose days that corresponded with
these (in cricket season, i.e. the summer) so bank
employees could get a chance to smack a few balls.
A
:
Back in issue 146, some dude said
that the weather lady off BBC
Breakfast was fit. Have you not
seen Sian Williams? She makes
it difficult to eat my cereal as
my boner keeps nudging my
breakfast bowl.
RK, essex
Ah, RK, no. Anyone who’s been
touched by the wonky twattiness
of Lembit Opik is officially off-
limits forever. Wait, hang on, that’s
Sian Lloyd. Sian Williams? Yeah,
we would.
I just watched Who Framed Roger
Rabbit and I got slightly turned on
by Jessica Rabbit. Is it wrong I want
to monk one out all over a cartoon
character? Help.
ToMMo, RuisLip
Not at all, Tommo. But you should
start to get slightly worried when
your cartoon fetish evolves to Fred
Flintstone, though. Spaffing over
him is something you should never,
ever yabba-dabba-doo.
Even though my flat roof is
leaking, I’m reading all the FRONT
mags I have. Turns out I haven’t
missed an issue for two years.
I also love Alex Sim-Wise. In the
words of Will Smith, she makes
my liver quiver.
anon, via TexT
Yeah, best off just leaving that leak
in your roof, nameless texter. It
definitely will not get any worse.
Carry on reading your mags,
because nothing bad will come
of that situation. By the way, we
aren’t dealing with the fucking
monumental mess that’s about to
ruin your house.
RAMPANT
RABBIT
YOU BIG
DRIP
HOllY
ROGER
SOGGY
SPEllS
SWEDISH
MESSAGE
I’m wise to your game, FRONT.
You first introduced Jessica and
I thought there was no way you
could top that. Now you’ve only
gone and bloody brought in the
erection-givingly awesome Holly!
At this rate, in a year or so the
girls will be so hot they’re going
to melt my face, and I quite
enjoy having a face.
Yours insincerely,
Ben ‘ChiCh’ RiChiChi,
via e-MaiL
You should see the state of
us FRONT office dwellers,
Ben. You’d be sickened by the
grotesque, featureless
faces that work here.
They’re like pieces of
A4 paper with wigs.
This is what staring
at ladies does to you.
Whom do I write to if I want to
claim for a new pair of boxers? Your
magazine always makes a mess in
mine and I’m starting to run out.
If you could forward this e-mail
onto the likes of India Reynolds and
especially Mellisa from the latest
issue I’d be totally grateful. Thanks
in advance.
DaLe Johns, BeDfoRD
Christ, Dale, you know how to
impress the ladies. If there’s one
thing guaranteed to get ’em going,
it’s, “Hi, I’m Dale and the inside of
my pants is DISGUSTING.”
DIRTY
GRUNDIES
p
i
C
T
u
R
e
s
:

R
E
X
Q
:
WHY AREN’T THERE ANY
MORE BANK HOlIDAYS
UNTIl CHRISTMAS?
H
O
W

IS
T
H
A
T
?
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
A tasty crate of FRONT BRew,
sexily made by BrewDog, shall
become the daily beverage of the
top-crap-picture-giver.
NEXT MONTH,
you could WIN:
■ A picture of you
■ A picture of you being
an idiot-head
■ Your sexy art work
■ A picture of you cupping
your genitalia
■ Anything else you think
we might like to see (please not
you cupping your genitalia)
S
e
n
d
u
s
.
.
.
GET YOUR
STUPID face
in front
12 FRONT ISSUE 148
HOLLY CHRIST!
I drew this for you bunch
of knob-rots to have a
butcher’s at.
DAN WISDEN,
VIA E-MAIL
FUCKING HELL. Do you
think that Holly’s face was
created after randomly
picking shapes out of a
bag and smashing them
into her head? You’re
mental. Cheers!
Piss-poor British weather
resulted in me producing
this picture.
CRAIG MCKEOWN,
SOUTHAMPTON
Piss-poor weather
resulted in several
drowned, diseased rats
in our local area, Craig,
and they all looked ten
times better than the
filth you’ve produced
here. Good effort, though,
dick-face x
MONOCHROME MELLISA

PSYCHO STALKER
WALL
I thought I'd share my FRONT wall with you all.
Think of it as a shrine to everything awesome
about your magazine.
GRAHAM BENTLEY, BIRKENHEAD
Raoul Moat, Charles Manson, Harold Shipman
and Graham Bentley. Your name just kind of fits
in there, doesn’t it? Have a nice day!
MORE
TEA,
NUTTER?
Too much free time +
FRONT = this. What do
you reckon?
MARTYN BROWN,
VIA E-MAIL
Martyn Brown + no
form of sight = this
pile of turd. It’s a good
thing that Holly’s
boobs aren’t that
wobbly, because that
is the first sign of a
serious disease called
WHATAWANKER-
MARTYNIS Syndrome.
YOUR FACE AND
ARTY WORKS IN THE MAG
MOUNTAIN MAG
This is me with the September issue at
the top of Mt. Snowdon. I'd bought it that
morning to read in the car on the way but
didn’t get to finish it, so I thought I'd flick
through it at the top.
DAVE EWING, STOCKPORT
Thanks for that super-interesting story,
Dave. Could you tell it to us again? It was
a great story. Really, fucking, shittingly,
boringly great x
OH DEAR
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
BRING ME THE HORIZON
There is a Hell Believe Me I’ve Seen It,
There Is A Heaven Let’s Keep It A Secret.
04.10.10
CHECK WWW.VISIBLENOISE.COM
FOR MERCH, POSTERS AND LIMITED ITEMS
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
S
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FRONTARMY.CO.UK
ARMY.CO.UK
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storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
16 FRONT ISSUE 148
w
i
n
n
e
r
w
i
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n
e
r
w
i n
n
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w
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Y
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W
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H
IS
Top work, Jamie
Simmonds, for this
inspirational effort.
“We took the sofa
outside and grabbed
some chicken wire to
stop him escaping,” he
says. You can throw
that ’80s football away
now you’ve won some
ace new prizes, yeah?
Black Death is out now,
courtesy of Sony Home
Entertainment
SOFA SO GOOD
destroyin
g frien
dsh
ips sin
ce 1998
HEAVY
HOLIDAY
Out in Puerto Banus, Henry
Laing’s bud Erit got what he
deserved: breakfast in bed. Bog
roll was included incase he shat
himself shortly after.
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
17 ISSUE 148 FRONT
front@frontarmy.co.uk
MMS 07717 605 946
facebook.com/frontmag
W
I
N
N
E
X
T

M
O
N
T
H
SEND YOUR MATES
IN A STATE TO:
A NINTENDO
WII AND LORD
Of THE RINgS:
ARAgORN’S
QUEST
DRUNK
IN
PUBIC
Every time pubes
get involved with
an entry, we get
nervous. Snapper
Kieron hasn’t
specified whose
short’n’curlies
they are, so we’re
guessing they
were shaved
from the arse of
a tramp.
A
R
T
A
T
T
A
C
K
E
D
In traditional MIAS style, Chris Ellis has royally
buggered poor little George Martin here with
every pisshead’s best friend, the permanent
marker. Neil Buchanan would be proud.
g
A
R
D
E
N

B
A
S
T
A
R
D
This must have taken
Joel Philpott a fucking
age to put together. We
would have got bored and
just chucked shit on the
little wreck-head instead.
Good stuff.
TINSEL
TWAT
Ryan Skelly has brought
festive waster Vib to
our attention, ruining
our eyes with some
premature Christmas
celebrations in Belfast.
IT’S TOO FUCKING EARLY,
YOU BASTARD. We’re
off to tell children Santa
doesn’t exist.
Game out 29 October through Warner Bros
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
A
R
A
B
F
R

N
T
A
L
B
E
A
U
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Y
,
U
g
l
i
n
E
s
s
,
TrUTh & liEs
You don’t meet many Arabellas.
You also don’t meet many tattoo-
covered, fit-as-fuck girls who can
breathe fire, which makes this
girl – tattoo-covered, fit-as-fuck
fire-breather Arabella – double
special. Actually, she’s got her top
off and all, so she’s triple special.
Plus, she’s got a blow-up doll and a
space-hopper, each of which qualify
for an additional special, so HOLY
SHIT she’s QUINTUPLE SPECIAL.
That’s the equivalent of being ONE
THOUSAND PER CENT AMAZING.
Because, as everyone knows, you
have to be 200 per cent amazing to
be special. We don’t make up the
rules. We just follow ’em.
AN
IN
K
Y TEM
PTRESS SO FIT SH
E’LL K
N
OCK
YOU
R BOOTS
4
7

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True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
B
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L
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A
ISSUE 148 FRONT 19
ArAbellA som
etim
es hAngs Around
on rocks, singing And luring ships
full of sAilors to com
e closer until
they sm
Ash And everyone drow
ns.
FALSE: She is, however, in the Sirens,
a fiery, sexy troupe of fit ladies who
travel around the world breathing
fire, scaring men and generally
being awesome.
A
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storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
FRONT ISSUE 148 20
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
FR NTAL
ISSUE 148 FRONT 21
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storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
FRONT ISSUE 148 22
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True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
FR NTAL
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
FRONT ISSUE 148 24
GettinG creative with food
is something that FRONT does
bloody well. When alphabet
spaghetti is half price at the
shop, we can’t wait to get
it home and see how many
times we can spell things like
‘bum-job’ and ‘titcake’ with
the letters. When we find a
packet of Smarties, we like to
see how many fit down our ear
holes. And those peanuts you
get at fancy bars? Guessing
how many pissy fingers have
touched them should be a
national sport.
But bum-clenchingly good
photographer Tony Stamolis
has taken our little activity
to a whole new fucking level.
The US snapper’s new book,
T&T&A, pairs the manliest of
man foods, tacos, with some
proper nice naked ladies. The
man’s a genius.
Although we’re thoroughly
jealous of the bugger for
coming up with such a rad
idea, we had a chat with
Tony about the book that
should definitely outsell the
Bible, or at least Tony Blair’s
autobiography, the prick.
Go order the book right this
minute from tandtanda.com
f
o
o
d
f
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True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
FR NTAL
What are you doing
for your end-of-year
party this year? Cos on
Saturday 18 December,
we’re teaming up
with Enter Shikari
and throwing the best
Xmas bash your festive
nuts will ever see – and
you’re all invited!
Not only will the
mighty ’Shikari be
putting on a full show
with support from Rolo
Tomassi and Young
Guns, but FRONT will
be hosting the official
afterparty until four
in the frigging
morning with
DJ sets and
boozing galore.
Christmas
parties
literally don’t
get as bloody
good as this,
unless you
are Christ
himself.
And if you
are, then
happy
birthday, bro!
F
U
N
T
IM
E
S
FRONT X
ENTER SHIKARI
THE CRIMBO PARTY TO
END ALL PARTIES
Put a bucket on your head
right now, so you can catch
the bits when your mind
gets blown by some news.
Ready? Well, the follow-up to
1996’s bloody awesome foul-
mouthed FPS Duke Nukem
3-D is finally coming out.
There’s been lawsuits, mass
firings, buyings, sellings,
bankruptings and more
broken promises than a
nation of divorcees, but it’s
finally happening, in 2011.
Whether it lives up to
14 years of anticipation
remains to be seen, but
we’re so excited we’ve
had to change our pants
four times since starting
to type this sentence.
G
A
M
E
S
DUKE NUKEM
FOREVER
ACTUALLY
HAPPENING
hello, tony.
Without using
the Words
tacos or tits,
sum uP What
t&t&a is.
It’s all about a man’s primal
needs and the most important
things in life: food and boobs.
We knoW a dude that
noW can’t look at a taco
Without thinking of
boobs. care to aPologise?
No way! My mission has been
accomplished.
Well, you can at least tell
him hoW to make a World-
beating taco…
He’s going to need all the main
ingredients, like meat, salad
and sauces, but they’re worth
nothing without fresh tortillas.
if you could choose three
lady celebs to Pair uP With
food, Who Would they be?
I’d have Oprah Winfrey up
against some mushroom soup,
Lady Gaga with Soylent Green
[a food made from people in an
ace sci-fi flick with Charlton
Heston], and the main one
from Glee would go well with
gallons of melted butter.
any more Plans to Pair
naked ladies With foods?
Nudes with Slush Puppies
would make a brilliant book.
Don’t be stealing my idea, now.
D
irty snapper
Tony S
tamolis
What: The FRONT/Enter
Shikari Christmas Party. When:
Saturday 18 December
of this here year.
Where: The University of
Herts, Hatfield.
tickets and more deets:
entershikari.com
Who
,
ll be there: Enter
Shikari, Young Guns, Rolo
Tomassi, sexy FRONT Girls,
drunk students, Santa. Who Won
,
t be there:
Drunk businessmen, the Wet
Bandits, smelly people, Santa’s
frumpy wife, Hans Gruber.
ISSUE 148 FRONT 25
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
FR NTAL
AMAZING PARTY
PRANKS (USING FOOD)!
We’ve often been told not to play with our
food, and there’s a good reason for that. Our
hands are filthy and covered in oil, bacteria,
crap and dead skin. The more we touch, wipe,
squeeze, scrape and grab our food, the more
disgusting and dirty it becomes. But regardless,
I definitely recommend PARTYING with your
food – and here are three time-tested party
tricks you can play with ordinary household
food and drink…
A
n
d
re
w
W
.K
.'s
1
Trick Diarrhoea
This is an excellent way
to freak out your friends,
and all it takes is some oil,
some corn syrup, and some
cocoa powder. In a big bowl,
mix the ingredients and add
water or flour to thicken or
thin the false diarrhoea to
your preference. Once you
have the right consistency,
pour the mixture into a
small plastic baggy with
a zip-sealed top. Find a
time when you’re walking
around with your mates and
suddenly scream to them,
“Oh, no! I have to use the
bathroom! I’m going to shit
myself!” Race somewhere
out of sight like your life
depends on it. When you’re
hidden, take out your secret
bag of fake diarrhoea and
put it all over your hands,
face and clothing. Then
stumble out of hiding
covered in shit, and watch
your friends run away.
2
Drink Your own Pee
Go to a medical supply
or pharmacy, and buy a
urine sample container.
You’ve probably used them
before at the doctor’s office.
They look like small plastic
shot glasses, but a bit bigger
and with a blue or white
screw-on lid. Anyway, get
your hands on one of
these and fill it with
one part apple juice,
two parts water and
one part lemonade.
Once the container
is filled up, write
your name on it
and scrawl some
fake doctor’s
name along
with the
words ‘Urine
Sample’.
Then put
it in the
fridge.
Wait until
your friends
or family
see it and
ask you
what the
hell it’s doing in the fridge.
You tell them, “Oh, that’s the
pee I saved for the doctor!”
You then suddenly grab it
and guzzle the entire bottle.
You will blow minds.
3
The worsT smelling
socks of all Time
As you may be aware, really
bad foot odour smells a
lot like strong cheese –
Limburger cheese, to be
exact! In fact, Limburger
cheese IS ACTUALLY MADE
WITH THE SAME KIND OF
BACTERIA THAT CAUSES
HUMAN BODY ODOUR!
That’s really true – you can
look it up! So get at least a
pound of Limburger cheese,
and a pair of old white
cotton socks. Put a big chunk
of cheese in each sock. Mash
and grind the cheese deep
into the cotton fibres, so
its oils are absorbed. Then
remove the cheese and
make sure there aren’t any
visible chunks remaining.
Now have fun putting these
socks anywhere that people
will smell. People will
discover the smell first, and
then hunt until they find
the source of it. When they
actually discover the socks,
their lives will be changed.
W
A
RN
IN
G Following the advice above may lead to radical changes in lifestyle and a dramatic increase
in partying.
FRONT ISSUE 148 26
T
E
L
L
Y
THE WALKING
DEAD
OTHER BRITS WHO OWN
AMERICAN TELLY
KELLY MCDONALD
(SOONISH, ALMOST
DEFFO)
The lady still best known
for getting it all out
in Trainspotting is in
Boardwalk Empire, a new
HBO show starting over
here in January that’s
wicked as shit.
THE DUDES FROM
THE WIRE
Despite speaking in
thick Baltimore accents,
Dominic ‘McNulty’ West
is from Sheffield, and Idris
‘Stringer Bell’ Elba’s from
Hackney in East London.
HUGH FUCKIN’
LAURIE
Hugh Laurie, a man so
posh he hangs out with
Stephen Fry and doesn’t
seem out of place, earns a
whopping great £225,000
for every episode of
modern-day-Diagnosis-
Murder House.
AmAzing ongoing
survivors-of-a-zombie-based-
apocalypse comic The Walking
Dead has been turned into
a TV series that, and forgive
us for seeming overexcited
here, looks like the BESTEST
FUCKING THING EVER.
A sheriff who missed the
apocalypse due to being in a
coma has to deal with all the
shit that comes with leading a
rag-tag band of survivors.
Frank Darabont of Shawshank
Redemption fame is
overseeing it, directing it and
adapting it, which is pretty
Big Boy Shit. There’s also the
weird-but-probably-great
choice of Andrew Lincoln (of
Teachers and This Life fame)
to play the main character,
Sheriff Rick Grimes.
The comic’s seriously
bad-ass, and by all accounts
they’ve adapted it really
faithfully. In all probability
it’ll propel Lincoln to massive
stardom. He’s always
seemed like a lovely
chap (even when
you saw his hairy
arsehole and the back
of his ball-sack on
Teachers), so that’s
just marvellous.
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
fuelled by
fuelled by
the fever tour
the fever tour
plus very special guests
monday 6 december
birmingham nia
0844 338 8000
wednesday 8 december
manchester men arena
0844 847 8000
thursday 9 december
glasgow secc arena
08444 999 990
saturday 11 december
cardiff cia arena
029 2022 4488
sunday 12 december
london wembley arena
0844 815 0815
buy online at livenation.co.uk / gigsinscotland.com
new album ‘fever’ out now
www.bulletformyvalentine.com
www.myspace.com/bulletformyvalentine
a live nation, DF CONCERTS & the agency group presentation
in association with
+
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
It’s serIously fuckIng hot.
You couldn’t even cook an egg
on a car bonnet, because all
the chickens are dead from the
heat. Pendulum, though, look
cool. Spookily, despite being
clad in leather jackets while the
thermometer pushes 35 degrees,
there isn’t a bead of sweat on
them. Something isn’t right.
To add to the suspicion, when
we bring up the subject of UFOs,
they become cagey, muttering
something about “metaphors”
and “deckchairs”. Could
Pendulum possibly be… Surely
not? The rise in anal probing
in Magaluf that weekend must
purely be a coincidence…
We can say for certain,
though, that something has
been stuck up Pendulum’s arses
tonight. In the time between
FRONT leaving their dressing
room and them exploding
on stage, the band have
transformed from quiet, relaxed
dudes into a crowd-obliterating
machine, intent on aurally
pulverizing the Magaluf crowd.
And still Pendulum don’t
break a sweat. The punters,
on the other hand, are hotter,
sweatier and more pungent
than a wrestler’s nutsack –
not to mention crammed in
even tighter.
PENDULUM
AND THE
SWEATY PITS
What: Pendulum’s last festival
show of the summer.
Where: Magaluf, Mallorca.
Who dere: Spanish locals and
beered-up Brits abroad. Let
battle commence.
Best Bit: When a girl with
a gigantic inflatable penis
penetrated the crowd.
Worst Bit: The sweatiest mosh
pit known to man (and the
terrified three-legged stray dog
at the back).
the look: Tops off, ink out, arms
up, rancid armpit in your face.
drink of choice: Cerveza.
drunken lunacy rating:
8 salty beers out of 10.
28 FRONT ISSUE 148
P
I
C
T
U
R
E
S
:

K
Y
L
E

R
O
S
S
o
u
t
&
a
b
o
u
t
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
ISSUE 148 FRONT 29
album, sold out
Wembley and,
probably much to the nme’s
dislike, have been voted
one of their bands of the
summer. hoW’s it feel to be
pendulum right noW?
R: Good, but I’m looking forward
to getting back on tour. The
festival season is weird – you do
them at weekends and then you
have a week of fuck-all.
despite all the success, you
still often get bad press
[the nme said they Were
“crap on record”, and the
guardian labelled them
“boring” and “dumb”]. are
you at all bothered?
R: I don’t really understand the
relevance of the music press.
I never read a magazine to find
out about a band. Reading about
music is like…
G: …dancing about politics.
so, noW that you’re
gigantic, d’you have to
keep repeatedly pinching
yourself just incase it’s all
a big old dream?
G: The pace of things is so fast
you don’t get a chance to think
about it, to be honest. If you’re
standing around saying, “I’m
fucking massive,” then you’ve
done something wrong.
R: People think we’re not
appreciative of what we’ve got,
but it’s just us trying to do better
than the last time.
are you as big in your home
country, australia, as you
are in the uk?
R: It’s picked up recently. We
did a remix of a TV station’s
news theme, and it got played
everywhere. Since that, our
profile’s gone through the roof.
FR NTAL
on tWitter you predicted
your ibiza and mallorca
gigs Would be an “epic
mess”. so tell us, What
makes an epic mess in
pendulum’s eyes?
Gareth: One and half, possibly
two, bottles of tequila. That’s
where I draw the line, then I
crawl into bed. This is always
after the gig, mind. After the
show we can get lost up a tree.
really, you once got lost up
a tree?
Rob: Er, no. You thought we had
an interesting story there, didn’t
you? We don’t, sorry.
We did. it’s been a pretty
mad year for pendulum,
even Without any trees:
you had a number one
Q&A:
GARETH
R
OB
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
FR NTAL
BRITNEY SPEARS &
MY CHEMICAL
ROMANCE
Rob: I love to work
with failed artists whose
careers have gone downhill,
in a Britney Spears fashion –
someone who’s royally fucked
it. My Chemical Romance, Britney
Spears… Bring them on. I love that
kind of shit.
GARY GLITTER
R: I’d definitely work with
someone who you shouldn’t
touch with a ten-foot
bargepole – Glitter would fucking
smash it. Gary, give me a call.
JUSTIN BIEBER
R: [Both Rob and Gareth go
strangely silent] We’ve got
something along those lines
planned anyway. We can’t say
any more.
SLAYER
Gareth: Who? Just kidding.
R: They could beat the shit
out of us, so I’m not going to
say anything. Have you seen
the size of them? Fuck me, they’re
fucking mammoth.
G: Dave Lombardo could take us
all on with one arm.
ROLF HARRIS
R: Nah, it’d be too funny.
G: C’mon, it’d be hilarious!
JOHN LYDON
R: We want to do punk, but
not that type. More the way
Atari Teenage Riot did it –
just fucking aggressive.
G: Digital hardcore.
PAN PIPES BAND
G: Too Peruvian, too relaxing.
BAG PIPES
R: Jonathan Davis from
Korn fucking ruined them.
You can’t use bagpipes in
anything any more.
G: Is he even Scottish?
AXL ROSE
G: If he turned up on time…
Ben: I’d work with him just
to hurl abuse.
IT’S wEIRD THAT IT TOOk A
BIT OF RETRO MEDDLING TO
MAkE IT HAPPEN.
R: It’s always one thing that
gets you big somewhere – it’s
never a sustained campaign.
It’s one thing, whether it’s a
show, a big weekend, or a remix
of a TV theme.
THERE’S A LOT OF UFO
IMAGERY GOING DOwN IN
PENDULUM vIDEOS AND IN
YOUR SLEEvE ART – DOES
THIS REFLECT A PERSONAL
EXPERIENCE AT THE HANDS OF
EXTRATERRESTRIALS?
R: We get asked that all the
time – “So you guys believe
in aliens, then, do you?” and
I have to say, “No. No.” They’re
mostly just metaphors.
G: I might have seen one in
Ibiza, but it could have just
been a deckchair in the pool…
HMMM… SO, wHAT’S YOUR
TOUR STIMULANT OF CHOICE?
G: Coffee, and Red Bull…
R: And unnamable, possibly
discontinued pharmaceuticals.
HAvE YOU EvER OvERDOSED
ON ENERGY DRINkS?
R: Oh yeah. I drank so much
during In Silico that my
organs stopped working.
G: Was that when you got
the collapsed lung?
R: Everything happened…
APART FROM CAFFEINE AND
THE PHARMACEUTICALS,
wHAT’S BEEN ROCkING
YOUR TITS THIS SUMMER?
R: It’s good to hear that
Atari Teenage Riot are
back. The Count & Sinden
album is fucking good. And
Everything Everything – I’d
recommend them. I’m not
usually a fan of that style of
indie, but it’s quite different.
wHAT THE FUCk HAPPENED
TO INDIE? IT’S ABOUT AS
FASHIONABLE AS SHIT-
STAINED GRUNDIES. THE
MUSIC SCENE IS PRETTY
wEIRD AT THE MOMENT.
G: Definitely. There’s
no good rock bands.
Soundgarden are back, but
there’s fuck-all otherwise.
LIMP BIzkIT ARE BACk ON
THE ROAD, THOUGH…
G: We came across DJ
Lethal in Japan. I think we
accidentally blanked him.
R: Nah, we were just on our
way out…
G: Er, we didn’t stop and
chat, anyway.
30 FRONT ISSUE 148
PENDULUM HAVE
TEAMED UP WITH SOME
SHIT-HOT ARTISTS OVER
THE YEARS, BUT WHO
WOULD AND WOULDN’T
THEY WORK WITH?
WHO’d
YOU
WORK
WITH?
Pendulum’s sexy long player,
Immersion, is out now on Warner.
The band are on tour in the UK
in December – grab a ticket at
gigsandtours.com
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EXTRA DATE ADDED DUE TO PHENOMENAL DEMAND
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08713 100 000
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THE NEW ALBUM ‘DIAMOND EYES’ OUT NOW
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FRONT ISSUE 148 32
FR NTAL
1
GROW A BEARD
Shaving’s expensive.
Razors, blades and
shaving gel add the
hell up, and electric
shaver batteries
need constantly
replacing. Being
clean-shaven costs
as much as having a
litigious ex-wife. The
solution? Beards are
cheap, stress-free, and women
love ’em.
2
DITCH YOUR LOCKS
Confusingly, having head-
hair is also pricey, what
with shampoo, conditioner, gels,
waxes, mousses, clays and shit.
The answer is to get nits, causing
a nurse to shave all your hair off
for FREE.
3
DON’T EVER CHANGE
Washing machines hike your
bills up and need washing
powder, and launderettes pretty
much eat cash. Why not try just
not changing clothes for a month?
Unless you go around pissing all
over yourself, how bad will things
really get?
4
TAKE MEAT OUT
DRINKING
When you show up
to the pub with a strange-
smelling bum-bag you might
get some funny looks, but
later, when everyone else is
spending loads on kebabs,
you get the last laugh when
you produce a bag of ham
you brought from home.
5
LIVE IN DARKNESS
If you think about it, do
you have to have lights on
when you do things? Shitting in
the dark is weirdly satisfying,
pitch-black washing is like being
in a posh sensory-deprivation tank,
and no-lights eating makes you
appreciate the food more. Probably.
6
STEAL BOG ROLL
Next time you’re at work, in
school, in a hospital
or anywhere, go for a poo
and steal a bog roll. Before
you know it, you’ll have a
houseful and never need
to pay for bog roll again.
Alternatively, only poo
when you’re about to have
a shower anyway.
7
FREE FOOD FROM
LITTLE OLD LADIES
Little old ladies always
carry boiled sweets in their bags,
and enjoy nothing more than
doling them out to youngsters.
Hang around near an old person and
loudly (very loudly, they’re
deaf) complain that your ears
are popping, and hey presto,
free dinner.
8
STEAL THINGS
Most leisure activities
require some sort of
expenditure, but theft is one
of the most popular hobbies
in Britain today,
and costs nothing
at all. Plus, it’s very,
very cool and makes
women fancy you.
9
EAT THINGS
FOR MONEY
A pubful of people
will easily cough up £20
between them for you to eat
a jar of mustard, and after
you’ve done it you’ll feel too
ill to spend any money on booze.
10
SELL YOUR BODY
By ‘your body’, what we
mean is ‘your brother’s
body’. What we’re saying is, charge
people money to fuck your little
brother. These video games won’t
just pay for themselves.
GET CALL
OF DUTY
FOR FREE!
(
SORT OF
)
THE NEW C.O.D. GAME COMES OUT ON
9 NOVEMBER, BUT WHAT IF YOU DON’T
HAVE 50 QUID TO SPARE? HERE ARE
FRONT’S TOP MONEY-SAVING TIPS…
£FUCK

ALL
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
26 LONDON KOKO
myspace.com/asilaydying asilaydying.com
PLUS SPECIAL GUESTS
WITH A VERY LIMITED
SPECIAL ENGAGEMENT
PLUS GUESTS
DUE TO PUBLIC DEMAND, EXTRA DATE ADDED
MONDAY 6 DECEMBER
TUESDAY
7
DECEMBER
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PLUS SPECIAL GUESTS
THURSDAY 28 OCTOBER
CAMDEN UNDERWORLD
BUY TICKETS ONLINE AT WWW.LIVENATION.CO.UK
The debut album ‘bud, sweat and beers’ available to pre-order now
www.officialdevlin.com
LIVE NATION PRESENTATION IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE CODA AGENCY
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LONDON KOKO 0844 847 2258
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THE NEW ALBUM ‘ OMEN’ OUT NOW WWW. SOULFLY. COM
PLUS SPECIAL GUESTS
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
IT’S SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE...
AT THE MOVIES!
FR NTAL
High school students Wayne and Garth laugh at
their teachers and gawp at the school’s “babes” on
their own local TV show. Their performance with
Aerosmith, featuring Tom Hanks as a roadie, was
voted the most memorable SNL moment ever.
Slackers Wayne and Garth laugh at locals and
gawp at celebrity “babes” on their own local TV
shot, only for trouble to arrive in the shape of big-
bucks producer Benjamin (actor Rob Lowe).
Our heroes dodge police, Nazis and
bazooka attacks as they set out to raise
enough money to save the orphanage
they grew up in from destruction.
FRONT ISSUE 148 34
THE FILM
THE SEQUEL
GET THE LOOK
It might be a bit of a one-trick pony in the gags department, but Wayne
and Garth ruled the cinemas as much as they did people’s tellyboxes.
For giving us “Asphinctersayswhat?”, “Schwing!” and a shopkeeper
beaten to death with his own shoe, Wayne’s World: we’re not worthy!
W
IN
N
E
R
WAYNE’S WORLD
The Mike Myers and Dana Carvey double act came
together on SNL in 1989. Their creation of loveable
fools Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar for the
Wayne’s World sketch was one of the show’s most-
loved bits until 1993,when Carvey left to go and do,
er, not a lot…
THE SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE SKETCH
‘Joilet’ Jake Blues (Belushi) and Elwood
Blues (Aykroyd) made their first appearance
on SNL in 1978, regularly cropping up with
musical numbers alongside members of the
show’s house band.
P
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:

A
Q
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A
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I
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S

C
O
L
L
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C
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Fags Trilby suiT
aliCE COOPEr
King shock
rocker
arETHa
FraNKliN
Big-lunged singer
MEaT lOaF
Portly show
rocker
sTEVEN
sPiElbErg
Beardy director
sTaN MiKiTa
Ice hockey
legend
JaMEs brOWN
Gravel-voiced
dead man
glassEs MullET TruCKEr CaP
THE BLUES
BROTHERS
The laugh-heavy duo of Dan Aykroyd and John
Belushi worked together on the first four seasons
of SNL, releasing a Blues Brothers album in 1980
before Belushi’s death in 1982.
U.S. COMEDY INSTITUTION SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE CELEBRATES 35 YEARS
THIS MONTH – BUT WHICH OF THE
HOLLYWOOD MOVIES IT’S SPAWNED IS
THE LOL-IEST?
WAYNE’S WORLD 2
Wayne’s weird dreams convince him to put on his
own festival. The infamous roadie speech about
Ozzy demanding a glass of brown M&Ms stems from
real-life accounts that Van Halen would demand a
similar rider to test a venue’s attention to detail.
BLUES BROTHERS 2000
Dan Aykroyd returns as Elwood in one final fling
for his old band, as they tussle with BB King
at a Battle Of The Bands contest. The film was
later voted number 4 in US mag Entertainment
Weekly’s list of the worst sequels ever.
THE CELEBRITY CAMEOS
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05
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ACADEMY
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0161 832 1111
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ACADEMY
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ACADEMY
0844 477 2000
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ACADEMY
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A LIVE NATION PRESENTATION IN ASSOCIATION WITH TKO AND THE AGENCY GROUP
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october
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storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
IT’S BLACKER THAN NIGHT, BUT
HOW PISSED DOES IT GET YOU?
CLASSINESS
MONSTER TO KISS
WHILE DRUNK
FUN FACT
TASTING /
RATING
Rodnik’s Absinthe
blAck
70cl, 70% abv, 49 units
FRONT ISSUE 148 36
Gather BISCUITS of
various sizes – from
the largeness of a
Wagon Wheel to the
tininess of a solitary
Jazzie, via as many
steps in between.
Place a small dollop of JAM in the centre
of the biggest one, and wodge the next-
biggest onto it. Continue this until they’re
all done.
2
1
WASTED
TASTE TEST:
GOTH BOOZE
FR NTAL
FRONT GRUB
bV lAnd
cRème de cAfé
70cl, 18% abv, 12.6 units
Vinci liquoRe blAck
sAmbucA
70cl, 40% abv, 28 units
Dress your TEDDY up in a lady’s dress
and have a wedding. Bonus points if you
make it through the whole ceremony
without crying or committing self-harm.
Sprinkle the whole multi-tiered
sculpture with ICING SUGAR until it
looks like a wedding cake (note: this
may never happen).
£
2
1
.
1
6

43p/unit
£10.50
38p/unit
£7.90
63p/unit
£13.66
1.76p/unit
/
5
3
/
5
2
sheRidAn’s coffee
lAyeRed liqueuR
50cl, 15.5% abv, 7.75 units
“It looks like jism on soil,
but smells like neither.
It’s a bit like alcoholic
condensed milk, or
Baileys that’s been hit
by a van of sugar. Or a
crème caramel”
RATING: Great-looking
and fun to drink, but holy
hellfire that’s expensive
G
R
U
B

I
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.
C
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H
A
N
D

I
L
L
O
:

M
A
T
T

S
K
I
F
F

3
3
/
5
IF YO
U
CA
N
’T
D
RIN
K
RESPO
N
SIBLY,
D
RIN
K
U
N
TIL TH
E
D
A
RK
N
ESS EM
BRA
CES YO
U
4
4
/
5
W
I
N
N
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NO. 23: THE PEASANT’S
WEDDING CAKE
Thanks to thedrinkshop.com and ultimate-brands.co.uk
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PLUS SPECIAL GUESTS
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DECEMBER 2010
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$
%
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%
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storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
The workie: Adam Guest, 23,
from Southampton.
Tea-making skills: Pretty
weird, to be honest. There was
always stuff floating in it.
iPod challenge: We didn’t
hear any complaints, even during
Ashlee Simpson.
weakesT momenT: We saw far
too much of Adam’s balls when
he donned a pair of knickers.
The challenge: We thought
it would be cool if one of our
previous covers came to life –
sort of like a sexy version
of Walt Disney’s Fantasia,
but without the sinister and
sadistic undertones.
And so it was over to spritely
Adam to pick his favourite
cover and bring it to life. Last
year’s ‘Back To Uni with Lauren’
was chosen because Adam said
“I like the artiness of it”, but we
interpreted that as ‘it’s the only
one that will allow me to wear
pink knickers and a sash’.
His giant replica was pretty
chuffing impressive, but there
was something a bit
wrong about when he
stripped off and got his
hairy arse inside it. Still,
though, he took to the
streets like a pro and even
got a few phone numbers
off burly builders.
Of course, if we wanted
to see it properly come to
life, we could have just asked
Lauren to pop round the
office for a cuppa, but where’s
the challenge in that, eh?
FR NTAL
38 FRONT ISSUE 148
IT’S ALIve, ADAm! IT’S
FUCKING ALIve! BUT STILL,
NO jOB FOr yOU, COPyCAT!
V
E
R
D
IC
T
:
PASS
wanna Be a workie?
Then geT in Touch To feel The love
TXT 07717 605 946
front@frontarmy.co.uk
Locals try to comprehend
quite why Adam’s dressed
like a transexual dickhead
Adam picks his favourite from
the all-brilliant selection...
...and gets grafting quick-sharp
Above: Adam’s impersonation.
Left: the inspiration. Hang on...
CHALLENGE
WE FORCE YOUNG HOPEFULS TO
COMPLETE EVIL TASKS. THIS MONTH....
RE-CREATE YOUR
FAVOURITE
FRONT COVER!
A
D
A
m
Adam makes a doomed attempt to
replace Holly on the local newsie’s shelf
P
I
C
T
U
R
E
S
:

T
O
N
I

K
N
E
V
I
T
T
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
NEW ALBUM ‘ALL OUR KINGS ARE DEAD’ OUT NOW
NEW SINGLE ‘WEIGHT OF THE WORLD’ OUT 01 NOVEMBER
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“ON THE FIRST TRUE TEST OF THEIR METTLE, YOUNG GUNS HAVE PASSED WITH DISTINCTION.”
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P
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o
t
o
:

A
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a

G
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a
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storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
40 FRONT ISSUE 148
EXPLOSIVES AND A SEXY GIRL –
ASSUMING NOTHING GOES WRONG,
IT’S THE BEST COMBINATION EVER
Man first discovered fire,
around about 1928, in Dundee.
Fireworks were invented a short
time later when someone tried
to dispose of loads of suspicious-
looking powder by chucking it
in a bonfire, and it all blew up
and he looked like Daffy Duck
after he gets shot.
And fireworks are sodding
brilliant. For all the warnings
about losing eyes/fingers/lives,
they’re ace. For a few short
weeks, dodgy shops at the edge
of town start selling explosives
to anyone who wants ’em. If
that isn’t the true mark of a free
country (it isn’t), then we don’t
know what we’re talking about
(we really don’t).
We gathered together a select
few of the zillions of available
fireworks, and got the lovely
Jessica Calvesbert in. Prancing
about with lit sparklers in the
same room as a load of unlit
fireworks is clearly a terrible
idea, but, luckily, nothing went
wrong – until a workie was
having a fag while cleaning up
and, well, sometimes it’s just
time for someone to die.
FR NTAL
DR THRUST
Price: £5.06, from
epicfireworks.com
Lasts: 20 seconds
WHat is it? Purple and blue
“peonies” (that’s the Star Trek-
looking line-explosion ones)
ideaL for: Sexual perverts,
‘The Todd’ from Scrubs, the
cast of any film entitled
Naughty Nurses or similar.
a scared cat saYs: “I used
to be owned by a Mr Thrust.
He was… He wasn’t nice. He
did… things.”
SPARKLING SERENADE
Price: £99.98, from
blackcatfireworks.co.uk
Lasts: 28 seconds
WHat is it? It boasts of bringing
“a touch of class” to any display.
ideaL for: Slightly effeminate-
looking men who nonetheless
pack a mean punch, such as cross-
dressing cage fighters or really
poofy-looking wrestlers.
a scared cat saYs: “The woofty
name didn’t prepare me for the
fact that this still contains a lot of
explosives. I started crying three
seconds in.”
PRO ROCKET
VOLLEY
Price: £29.74 (for
25 of these), from
epicfireworks.com
Lasts: It depends…
WHat is it? Twenty-
five bad-ass rockets
that can either fire all
at once or one at a time.
ideaL for:
Perfectionists who
are never quite
sure they’ve done
something well
enough and are willing
to try it 25 times.
a scared cat saYs:
“When will this agony
end? I’m so scared I got
confused and ate my
own shit about three
bangs in. I even started
crying, which cats can’t
normally do.”
Price: £8.09, from
galaxy-fireworks.com
Lasts: 30 seconds
WHat is it? Cheap but loud, with
half ’sploding and half a-cracklin’.
ideaL for: Trekkies, Trekkers,
Whedonites, X-Philes, Star Wars fans
and general assorted sci-fi fellas.
a scared cat saYs: “Miaow! I got
my head stuck between a shed door
and a shed while trying to hide from
this. My neck hurts!”
JUMBO SATURN MISSILES
PLAYING
WITH FIRE
IS FUN
THE KING
Price: £29.95, from
epicfireworks.com
Lasts: 20 seconds
WHat is it? A sparkling golden
rainstorm, or to use firework pro
vocabulary, a ‘braocade’.
ideaL for: Aristocratic
types who have no chins,
underdeveloped fingers and
impossibly plummy voices.
a scared cat saYs: “The lion is
the king of the jungle, and lions
are a sort of cat, so this should be
right up my alley OH SHIT FUCK
SHIT MIAOW SHIT.”
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
ISSUE 148 FRONT 41
NUCLEAR WEAPONS
PRICE: £49.99, from
epicfireworks.com
LASTS: 60 seconds
WHAT IS IT? A big
multicoloured crackly
noisy one.
IDEAL FOR: Crazed North
Korean maniacs, Israelis and
Palestinians, but definitely not
anyone who has any family in
Hiroshima or Nagasaki.
A SCARED CAT SAYS: “I did so
many shits from abject fear
during this that my arsehole
turned inside-out, and now it
looks like I’ve shat a Peperami.
Miaow!”
COLOUR STORM
PRICE: £19.11, from
epicfireworks.com
LASTS: 35 seconds
WHAT IS IT? Four multicoloured
ones (best lit all at once) with
strobe things.
IDEAL FOR: 1980s ravers, drug
casualties, acid-heads, LSD
freaks, stoners, burnouts and
everyone else who gets excited
by a phrase like ‘colour storm’.
A SCARED CAT SAYS: “As I’m a
cat and lack the capacity to see
in colour, I wasn’t too scared
by the prospect of this. Storms,
however, shit me the fuck up.”
THUNDERBOLT
FUN FIREWORKS
PRICE: £TBC, from tesco.com
LASTS: 25 seconds
WHAT IS IT? Exactly what it
says on the, well, not tin, more
‘cardboard wrapper’.
IDEAL FOR: No-nonsense people
not in the mood for pissing about.
‘I want fun, I want fireworks,
I want fun fucking fireworks.’
A SCARED CAT SAYS: “The
packaging on this one reminded
me of when my owner buys
own-brand cat food, but the bang
reminded me of being hit with a
brick. Prrrr.”
NIGHT VISION
PRICE: £10.52, from
epicfireworks.com
LASTS: 20 seconds
WHAT IS IT? A “fan barrage”,
according to the website. It’s
105 shots of various colours.
IDEAL FOR: Andy McNab, Chris
Ryan, and anyone who owns
one or more books written by
Andy McNab or Chris Ryan.
A SCARED CAT SAYS: “I used to
be in the SAS. Well, I used to be
in a brick-filled sack dropped
into a canal. Nearly the same.”
PRICE: £11.91, from
galaxy-fireworks.com
LASTS: 40 seconds
WHAT IS IT? A barrage of 300
pheeeeeeeeew-BANGs.
IDEAL FOR: Anyone who likes a
big finish, or anyone who’s big and
Finnish. Sami Hyypia?
A SCARED CAT SAYS: “Every loud
bang I hear makes a hair fall out.
After 300 I’ve got a big bald fucking
arse. Prrrr!”
SATURN MISSILES 300-SHOT
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storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
FRONT ISSUE 148 42
FR NTAL
Man, GerMany’s amazing.
They sell sausages on street
corners, they play oompah
music like there’s no tomorrow
and they drink like alcoholic
fishes. In fact, the Germans
have never done anything bad
ever. Nope. Nothing springs to
mind, apart from… Oh, let’s not
mention that.
One of their finest traditions
is Oktoberfest, in which
everyone gets thoroughly
pissed up in huge beautiful
halls guzzling massive frothy
steins handed to them by
busty blonde beer-wenches
in insanely tit-presenting
tops, occasionally stopping to
chomp on a weiner. It’s, like,
the best thing ever.
However, there’s nothing
big, hard, cool, clever or funny
about drinking (at least, that’s
what our dad told us before
he was sick down his vest and
fell into the fireplace). To prove
that, we’ve hidden two of the
awesomest non-drinkers in the
world in this picture – rock’s
hardest loudmouth Henry
Rollins and Canada’s best-
haircutted bloody nice bloke,
Cancer Bats’ Liam Cormier.
If you find them, you win a
lifetime supply of alcohol. To
redeem it, circle the dudes
and send them in an envelope
also containing George Best’s
ashes to Buckingham Place,
666 Mattress Road, The Moon.
Happy hunting!
LaGER KRaUtS
CHECK OUT THIS BIG OL’ MESS
OF PISSED-UP GERMANS – AND
SEE IF yOU CAN SPOT THE TWO
NON-BOOZERS IN THERE
FIND tHESE SOBER
BaD-aSSES
Henry
rollins
liam from
CanCer Bats
F
IN
D
U
S
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
43 ISSUE 148 FRONT
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G
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SUPPLY O
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LC
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storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
44 FRONT ISSUE 148
EAR
CANDY
MAGNETIC MAN
THREE GIANTNESS DUBSTEP
magneticman.net
MUSIC MAThS
Fuck us with a plastic chair, dubstep’s
huge at the moment. It seemed to go from a
nicely-chugging-along fairly enclosed scene
to the biggest thing since Big Jeff Bigg
the World Bigness Champion grew nine
feet overnight.
And now, three of the dudes that made it
huge, South London mega-producers Benga,
Skream and Artwork (the equivalent in
dubstep of, like, Stone Cold, Undertaker and
Triple H), have teamed up to form Magnetic
Man: a three-way tag team supergroup that
it’s been pretty hard to miss lately. Recent
single I Need Air shot straight into the
charts in the midst of Justin Bieber and JLS,
and their imminent self-titled album looks
like it’s going to go insanely big.
When we met up with the three of them,
the head of their label showed up and
they all had an in-depth discussion about
what singles to go with, when to bring
stuff out, and everything like that. Proper
we-probably-shouldn’t-be-hearing-this
shit. It was like overhearing your parents
talking about big, deep issues. Luckily,
Benga handed us his iPad and said, “Play
with that,” so it was alright. Then the label
head threatened to kill us if we shared
any of what we overheard. It was a pretty
eventful lunchtime.
But yes. Magnetic Man. They’re going
to go absolutely goddamn stratospheric.
Barack Obama follows Skream on Twitter,
for fuck’s sake. How mental is that? If
Skream has a poo and puts it on the
internet, the most powerful fucking man
on the planet knows about it. Insanity.

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BENGA
THREE BIG NAMES JOIN
FORCES AND BECOME,
ER, AN EVEN BIGGER
NAME, COMPLETE WITH
DEATH THREATS
mAGNETIc
mAN
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True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
ISSUE 148 FRONT 45
FR NTAL
You plaYed
Reading and
leeds this
summeR – how
was that?
SKREAM: Fucking
sick. The Reading gig was a nice
round-off as the last one of the
Magnetic Man festival tour. We
brought [ace dubstep lady] Katy
B up and the crowd were just
amazing. Both Reading and Leeds
were superb festivals for us to do.
ARTWORK: It used to be strictly a
band thing, with no dance music.
I think people are starting to see
the talent from dance tracks.
BENGA: Before, you’d go
somewhere and listen to just
dub or whatever, and now you go
places like Reading and there’s
everything. Now, people who
listen to rock listen to dubstep.
stRaight up – but how’d
it happen?
A: The internet. If you go
back ten years, if you were
into drum’n’bass, you’d go to
a drum’n’bass shop, to buy
your drum’n’bass songs. But
everything’s online now, and so
much more music’s available, and
people socialise with people who
are into so much different stuff.
B: As far as being a producer goes,
it’s much more open than before.
You used to have to think, ‘Well,
this won’t work in a dubstep
rave,’ but now you can think,
‘I like this, and I like that.’
do the thRee of You clash
oveR stuff?
A: We have one cool rule; our
democracy is a bit upside down. If
one person doesn’t like it, then it’s
out. There are no arguments.
You’Re busY dudes on YouR
own. has much had to be put
on hold?
S: Nah, we all handle everything
that’s going on just fine.
Everybody just gets on with
everything, but everyone really
enjoys it all. It’s a really exciting
time for us all. Everything’s
kicking off all at once, which is
just great.
skReam’s la Roux Remix
went massive. we weRe
wondeRing, how does the
dosh woRk with that?
S: I didn’t get a penny extra
because it went huge. I got a
remix fee, and that’s it. At the
same time, it’s just put me
everywhere, and it’s still being
played and still going places.
A: It’s probably in the top ten
songs I’ve ever heard, that remix.
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
FRONT ISSUE 148 46
You’re twins. which one of You
is evil?
Joel [right]: I’m probably the more
cynical one.
Benji [left]: I’m probably a little bit
more likely to get in trouble…
is there a rivalrY?
B: We fight a lot but it never actually
comes to blows. Ten minutes later,
we’re best friends. There’s not any
competition there. We’re both
competitive but not with each other.
is there a magic
psYchic link, like
Benji can eat loads
and joel needs a shit?
B: It’s not as, er, literal as
that, but it’s definitely true.
We’re as close as can be. It comes
from so many years of being
together – we know what each
other’s thinking, and we can always
sense something’s wrong with the
other one wherever we both are.
good charlotte somehow got
reallY Big, and You guYs got
reallY famous. how?
B: How did that happen? [Laughs]
Man, it’s been a ride. Our first record
came out ten years ago, and people
first started to really know about us,
b
i
g

in
t
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r
v
ie
W
FR NTAL
WE JOIN THE CELEBRITY-
SHAGGING TWINS TO GET
THE LOWDOWN ON HOW THE
HELL THEY’VE MANAGED IT
P
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True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
47 ISSUE 148 FRONT
M
a
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d
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J
o
e
l
B
e
n
j
i
&

W
e totally w
eren’t sure if these guys
w
ould be up for the being-shot-in-bed-
together thing, but they didn’t hesitate
at all.

W
e w
ere expectin
g Benji to be fatter.
H
e totally used to be fat.

W
hen they turned up, Joel w
as
on the phone to N
icole Richie.
like, eight years ago. So there was a
couple of years where we were just
grinding and touring, and then on
our second record things really took
off. It’s been a roller coaster ride, but
we’ve just tried to keep working.
There’s no secreT
formula; no “do This
and geT big”?
J: You’ve just gotta be nice
to everyone you meet,
because you’re always
gonna run into them
again. It’s a small world and we’ve
had a lot of luck.
so if we wanT To become
successful rock sTars, we’ll
have To sTop being dicks?
B: I’ve got friends who have made a
lot of enemies, and they’re not bad
people, they just shoot their mouths
off. I’m like, ‘Dude, you’re such a
good guy, why don’t you let people
know that?’ We have a lot of people
rooting for us, and that helps.
whaT’s been
The weirdesT
siTuaTion
you’ve found
yourselves in
on The way up?
J: We opened
for Metallica one time. We played
right between System Of A Down and
them. We had fun and it was cool, but
sometimes you go, ‘How the FUCK
am I onstage playing with this
band?’ We’ve played with a
lot of bands that we grew up
listening to, and it’s just like,
‘How the fuck?’
B: Or you meet people you’ve
been a long-time fan of, and
they know who you are.
You’re like, ‘How does
this person even know
I exist?’
J: Or you’ll just be in some
random-ass village in Asia and
people come up to you and try
to tell you they have the record.
It’s insane.
“E
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storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
You’ve been doing this for 14
Years. is there a point where
You go, ‘right, i’ve done it
now, i’ve been a rock star’?
B: I like to think that we will.
Luckily, we got signed really young
so we got a chance to really go on
the ride, and we’re still the same
age as a lot of bands that are just
getting signed. I’d like to think
we’ve got another good decade in
us of really going for it, and then
we can age gracefully. We’ll still do
music and still be a band but not be
45 looking like we want to be 20.
what’s the best free shit that
You’ve ever got?
B: I got a Cartier watch, which
was pretty good. It’s a dope-ass
watch, too. I would never buy it,
though.
J: I got a motorcycle. That was
pretty cool. I have a general belief
that nothing is free. If I have to go
to some event and walk the red
carpet, that shit gets weird when
people start trying to ‘sell’ you.
after doing LifestYLes of the
rich and famous, You became
verY rich and famous. do
You feeL Like there’s extra
pressure and You can’t
compLain about anYthing?
B: Yeah, that was our whole
philosophy. [Laughs] We grew up
broke as hell, like, ‘If you don’t
want it, give it to us, we’ll take
it!’ Our attitude hasn’t changed,
though. We keep it real. We don’t
have anyone who burps us, or
changes our diapers. [Laughs]
is it a strange existence being
hounded bY paparazzi?
J: It’s just in LA, really. I have kids,
and all I care about is my kids
being away from it, and they are.
B: These dudes generally care more
about the chicks. That’s kinda
a whole chick thing. And if you
think about it, only chicks read
those magazines.
B: Unfortunately they give all the
girls a really hard time.
when ‘the girLs’ are peopLe
Like paris hiLton and nicoLe
richie, that’LL happen. do
You miss the anonYmitY,
just being abLe to go and get
a burger when You want?
B: No one really cares about what
we are doing…
J: We haven’t really changed
anything, as we don’t have
anything to hide. If I go and
party, I party.
B: We have it a little easier
because we’re in a rock band.
People give you a little more
leeway when you do what we
do. We might piss someone off or
something, but then they go, ‘Oh,
it’s okay, they’re in a band.’ We’re
not running for president.
You guYs started a band after
seeing the beastie boYs – what
wouLd You be doing if that
hadn’t happened?
B: We were talking about that the
other day. God, it wouldn’t be good.
[Laughs] We were in the situation
where we had to provide for our
family, so we really would have
done whatever it took to do that.
J: Sell drugs? I dunno. There was
no chance of us going to college or
anything, you know, so it probably
wouldn’t have been good.
do You ever wake up in Your
beautifuL giant house and
think, ‘what the fuck?’?
B: All the time. I swear to God, all
the time. [Laughs]
J: We always like to share it all
– we’ve always been the
guys that have the
big parties. Now
FRONT AUGUST 2010
FR NTAL
P
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FRONT ISSUE 148 48
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
NICOLE RICHIE
SHAGGED WHO
FOR HOW LONG?
Joel, since 2007 –
they’re engaged
now and have a
son and daughter.
KNOWN FOR: The
Simple Life, having Lionel Richie
as an adoptive father.
FAME IN GOOGLE HITS:
3.4 million hits
WOULD WE? Yep, totally, and
without a second’s thought.
SOPHIE MONK
SHAGGED WHO FOR HOW
LONG? Benji, from
2006 to 2008.
KNOWN FOR:
Being in Bardot
(the Australian
Hear’Say) and
being the fit girl in
Blink-182’s Always video.
FAME IN GOOGLE HITS:
588,000 hits
WOULD WE? Abso-goddamn-
bloody-lutely.
HILARY DUFF
SHAGGED WHO FOR HOW
LONG? Joel, from 2004 to 2006.
KNOWN FOR: Being Lizzie
McGuire in various
kids’ things, the
Cheaper By The
Dozen films,
plus selling an
impressive 13
million records.
FAME IN GOOGLE
HITS: 13.2 million hits
WOULD WE? Why yes, yes we
surely would.
PARIS HILTON
SHAGGED WHO FOR HOW
LONG? Benji, for nine months
in 2008.
KNOWN FOR: The Simple Life,
Paris Hilton’s New Best Friend,
loads of money, a sex tape, and
summing up most of what’s
wrong with modern-
day society.
FAME IN GOOGLE
HITS: Nearly 66
million hits
WOULD WE?
Yeah, probably,
as much as we’d
love to claim
otherwise.
I have kids, I wake up and I’m
like, ‘Dude, I love my house, my
beautiful girl and my beautiful
kids, and everybody’s happy,
everybody’s healthy.’ I thought I
would live where I grew up and
just fight with my wife and have
bad kids. I’m happy, man.
B: I live alone. I’m a bachelor, and
I swear every night when I walk
into my place I think, ‘This is
crazy! I love my life!’
BENjI’S jUST HAD BENjAMIN
FRANKLIN TATTOOED ON HIS
BAcK BIGGER THAN HIS AcTUAL
FAcE. IS THAT A MONEy THING?
B: We grew up in a working-
class family and my dad still
works – he’s the hardest-working
guy I ever knew. The one little
saying me and Joel have is that
we should never not be working.
We always tell each other that
we don’t need time off. Where
we come from, money’s real, and
a thousand dollars can change
your whole life. The tattoo’s just
a reminder to keep working,
always keep hustling.
yOU’vE HAD SOME pRETTy SHIT
HAIRDOS OvER THE yEARS. ANy
HAIR REGRETS?
B: Nah, I rode that train until the
wheels fell off. [Laughs]
J: You don’t regret the pink spots?
B: No, not even the Liberty
spikes. They were awesome,
man. I was a funny kid. [Laughs]
FINALLy, HOW MANy WOMEN
IN TOTAL HAvE GOOD
cHARLOTTE SLEpT WITH OvER
THE yEARS?
B: Well, this guy’s an angel.
Seven. Seven in total between us.
J: Always say seven, if anyone
asks you. It’s not high enough to
be scary and it’s not low enough
to be weird.
B: Off the record, though,
thousands!
“I d
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storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
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. A
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.
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
What Will your funeral
be like?
I want it to be full of beautiful,
weeping women, who all lez up.
12
● Richard writes an insanely
detailed blog every day, which,
unlike most insanely detailed
blogs, is actually good. It’s at
richardherring.com
● Richard once got
mistaken for Dom Joly
on a bridge.
8
have you got any
phobias?
We have nothing to fear but fear
itself. But I don’t like heights.
9
Who’s the biggest
arsehole famous person
you’ve met?
Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.
10
What’s the most you’ve
ever neeDeD the toilet?
Once, in Africa, I had to
endure a four-hour drive bursting for
the loo – I got too embarrassed to ask
them to stop for me. By the time
I got to a rest stop I weed for
about two minutes straight.
11
booze of choice?
I’m currently off
the booze. I like
Budvar lager, but I’m
currently drinking a lot
of ginger tea.

13
What’s the Worst iDea
you’ve ever haD?
An invention which would
allow men in their 40s to wee like six-
year-olds. I want to take it on Dragon’s
Den and spray the dragons with my wee.
14
What Was the first
recorD you ever bought?
Assemblage by Japan.
15
What’s the stupiDest
thing you’ve saiD to
someone you Were trying
to impress?
Back in the ’90s, I told the beautiful and
charming Dawn French, who was being
nothing but lovely to me, that as part of
the previous generation of comedians she
was ‘the enemy’.
16
What’s the most illegal
thing you’ve ever Done?
I once threw a stone through
the window of a Christian bookshop.
Hopefully Jesus will forgive me. That’s
the deal with Him, as I understand it.
17
What have you seen
that you Wish you coulD
un-see?
I once saw a video of a man dressed as
a clown have someone shit in his mouth.
It flopped out over his face.
18
tell us one ace thing We
WoulDn’t knoW about you.
I got a score of 702 on Yahtzee
on my iPhone. Which is very high!
19
Why shoulD people get
your neW DvD, hitler
moustache, anD come
anD see you on your giant
upcoming tour?
If they like challenging comedy which
mixes puerility with intellectualism
and which will make them think
about political or religious issues
and laugh at degrading sexual acts,
then they should come.
HOW WILL THE COMEDY VETERAN
AND HITLER LOOKALIKE HANDLE THE
QUESTIONS WE ASK EVERYONE?
1
What’s your
favourite film?
Monty Python’s Life Of
Brian. It’s still up there.
2
Who off telly WoulD
you kill?
Jeremy Kyle. Everyone
says Jeremy Kyle, surely?
4
superpoWer of
choice?
To turn back time and go
and say and do the things I was
too scared to do in the moment.
5
What makes an
aWesome night out
properly aWesome?
A blow job from a homeless
man behind a bus station.
6
WoulD you rather be
too hot or too colD?
Too hot. And then I would
open a window.
7
Do you bother
With that social
netWorking shit?
I have done all of them at
times. Twitter’s on about 31,000
followers. I use that all the time,
but I’m bored of the other ones.
RICHARD HERRING
OUESTIONS
FR NTAL
20
What’s the
punchline to your
favourite joke?
“Lemon entry, my dear Watson.”
3
What’s the Worst
thing you’ve ever
eaten?
I tried to eat a whole pack of
butter to win £50. I got two bites
in. Big bites.
ISSUE 148 FRONT 51
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
i
l
l
u
s
t
r
a
t
i
o
n
:

D
I
S
T
A
N
T
G
E
E
S
E
.
C
O
M
52 FRONT ISSUE 148
When: 12 OctOber 1974
Where: WOOlWich, sOuth lOndOn
Back in 1974, the menu was fairly limited at the
sole uk mcdonald’s: you could have chips, a cup of
hot of Bovril or a world-famous small mac.
FR NTAL
further controversy was stirred up By the edgy
1990s makeover of the mcdonald’s mascot, who
Became rad ron mcduder and gained a trendy
sidekick, Burgaface killa.
the share price went through the roof in 2004
when a team of nasa scientists conclusively
proved that mcdonald’s Breakfasts are a near-
supernatural hangover cure.
mcdonald’s soon ran into trouBle with health
campaigners, who were concerned aBout the
oBese havoc caused By the company’s waddle-thru
restaurants in america.

Th
e R
on
ald M
cD
on
ald ch
aracter
is based on
a recu
rrin
g, bed-p
issin
g
n
igh
tm
are th
at on
e of th
e restau
ran
t’s
fou
n
ders su
ffered as a ch
ild.

A
m
illion
B
ig M
acs are sold
every th
ree-
trillion
th
of a secon
d
– in
Ip
sw
ich
alon
e!

Th
e Filet-O
-Fish
is in
credibly racist.
It’d take too lon
g to exp
lain
w
h
y –
bu
t tru
st u
s, it totally is.
McDONALD’S OPENS
ITS FIRST UK BRANcH
beFOre AFter
ONE SMALL MAC
AND ONE BOVRIL –
THAT’LL BE
14 PENCE.
YEEAH, LEMME GET
AN OCTUPLE-STACKER
MEGA-MAC, A BUCKET
OF COW NUGGETS, NINE
COKES – AND GO AHEAD
AND GIGA-SIZE ALL THAT
FOR ME.
YO I AM 2
GNARL-EE
4 DA MAX
X-TREEM,
KIDZ!!!
EAT ALL
DINNER UP,
CHILDREN...
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FUELLED BY
OUT OF SIGHT - CANTERBURY
FAILSAFE - NOT ADVISED - FRANCESQA
CRAZY ARM - BLEED FROM WITHIN
PLUS MORE TO BE ANNOUNCED ACROSS 3 STAGES
BE THE FIRST TO PLAY IN YOUR VANS STORE AND WIN A TRIP FOR YOU
AND YOUR FRIENDS IN A PRIVATE JET TO THE GIG AND LOTS MORE PRIZES!*
*For more info, a list of all prizes and complete contest rules go to: www.facebook.com/vanseurope
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
FR NTAL
our five favourite
lady blossoms
this month
FRONT ISSUE 148 54
Romania has already given
the world the automobile,
nuclear power, the internet,
medicine, the television
and space travel, and now –
without even pausing for a
breath – it’s giving us sexy
pop lady Inna. She makes
awful Eurodance songs that
eat your brain like a virus,
but she looks very pretty
while doing so.
1
inna
P
I
C
T
U
R
E
S
:

G
E
T
T
Y
,

R
E
X

F
E
A
T
U
R
E
S
,

B
I
G

P
I
C
T
U
R
E
S
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
If you’re a secret fan of all
those interchangable E4
teen-drama shows, you’ll
recognise the pixie-faced
Miss Robertson as the
star of Life Unexpected
(that’s the one about
the foster-care girl who
finds her long-lost
parents and learns
lots of super-gay
life-lessons along
the way). She’s like
a perky woodland
creature – a
woodland creature
that you totally
want to lick.
SHE’S A BUTTERFLY
The appeal of Big Brother baddie
Makosi is simple: she
boasts more fleshy ledges,
jiggling protuberances
and buxom globules
than you can shake
an aroused stick at.
Engaging her in
lovemakery would
probably have you
fearing for your life,
but by Jesus F. Christ, it
would surely all be worth it.

SHE’S A CATERPILLAR
Physically amazing Makosi may be,
but beneath those show-stopping
boobs beats a heart of pure lunacy.
She’s as mad as a barn full of tea-
towels. She’s as
unhinged as a wig
in a sandstorm.
She’s as completely
fucking insane as
a galaxy made of
holograms folding
in on itself and
mutating into a
sound made of
pure thought.
BUTTERFLY
WOULD. YES, SHE’D
PROBABLY KILL YOU AS
YOU SLEPT, BUT YOU’D
DIE A TOTAL CHAMP.
vERdICT:
ISSUE 148 FRONT 55
Lush-lipped lovely Giglianne
stars in US reality series
If I Can Dream, in which
a group of wide-eyed
young hopefuls all
live together in a
fancy mansion while
each trying to ‘make
it’ in fashion/music/
sport/whatever. Yes,
it’s completely shit.
No, we can’t stop
watching it.
2
M
AKOSI
M
USAM
BASI
SARAH
SMITH
Sarah is the sister half of
awesomely dubious incest-pop
duo Same Difference, who’ve
recently become even more
awesomely dubious thanks
to an image makeover that’s
seen them go from ‘annoying
stage-school grinners’ to
‘nightclubbing sexual
predators’. If Sarah’s saucy new
look has turned your head and
you’re now on a mission to
pull her, don’t forget to closely
imitate her brother – she’ll
find you irresistibly ravishing.
4
T
H
IS
M
ON
T
H
GIGLIANNE
BRAGA
5
When you watch as many
straight-to-DVD movies you’ve
picked up for £3 from a garage
as we do, you grow accustomed
to leading ladies who look like
Tesco Value versions of A-list
starlets: a boss-eyed Reese
Witherspoon, for example. But
not Marie Avgeropoulos, who
co-stars with Stone Cold Steve
Austin in the £3-tastic Hunt To
Kill – she’s as fit as any of the
Hollywood big-hitters. She’s
probably not more famous
because her name is so tricky.
MARIE
AVGEROPOuLOS
ALERT US To THE PRESENCE oF
THAT FIT GIRL oFFA THE TELLY,
CINEMA oR MUSIC VID…
front@frontarmy.co.uk
TXT 07717 605 946
SEN
D uS
Y
OuR LA
DIES
3
IT’S SOMETIMES HARD
TO TELL IF A LADY IS A
WINGED BEAUTY OR A
MANY-LEGGED MONSTER.
THANKFULLY, THE LADY
GARDEN TEAM ARE HERE
TO SETTLE SUCH MATTERS…
H
U
N
T

T
O

K
I
L
L

I
S

O
U
T

O
N

B
L
U
-
R
A
Y

A
N
D

D
V
D

F
R
O
M

1
1

O
C
T
O
B
E
R
BRITT
ROBERTSON
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
WITH JACK JOHNS
DUDE OF SPORT
WHAT I TAKE
WITH ME
EVERYWHERE
WORDS AND
STUFF
“Everyone needs some
light reading for long plane
journeys, and I take music and
bodyboarding mags out. It was
weird seeing myself on a cover
for the first time. I was about
16, and I couldn’t believe it. It’s
one of those things that you
never expect to happen. It was
a great feeling.”
I’M ON BOARD
“You can usually take your board
abroad without paying the shitty
airport charges. I whack it into a
bag and say it’s art equipment.
Don’t let the baggage dudes bang
it around, cos they cost around
£140, and if you’re like me and
get through about eight a year
it gets pretty expensive. I’ve just
had my own signature model
made, though, which I’m mega
stoked about.”
THE WETTIE
“Surfing in places like England,
you’ll need a wettie, but abroad
you can surf in just shorts. I’ve
heard that pissing in a wetsuit
attracts sharks, but I’ve not been
full-on attacked yet. I had a run-
in with one in Australia, though.
This reef shark came right at me
but, luckily, turned away at the
last minute. I was really freaked
out – I was out of the water fast.”
FRONT ISSUE 148 56
P
I
C
T
U
R
E
:

K
I
R
S
T
I
N

P
R
I
S
K
FR NTAL
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
PLASTIC
MONEY
“I usually just carry my credit
card for emergencies, but it made
an appearance when I went to
Las Vegas. I lost about $500, but it
was good fun. I was with a bunch
of Aussie mates, and we ran
around the casinos, spotted the
high rollers and kept away from
the filthy hookers. I wouldn’t
want to go for any longer than
one night – I’d be skint.”
QUALITY TUNES
“I use my music to get amped for a
surf. You can’t go wrong with a bit
of electro, like Boys Noize. I went
to this gig down here in Cornwall
a few days back. The lead singer
was puking on stage and stuff, and
there was a 30-man pile-on in the
middle of the dancefloor. It all got
a bit crazy.”
THAT NEW
INTERNET
THING
“Apart from bodyboarding and
lifeguarding, I run an online
clothing shop and I keep on top
of my employees with my lappy
when I’m away. It’s important to
keep an eye on the swell charts,
too, to see where the best waves
are gonna hit and to be in the right
place at the right time. If it’s flat, I’ll
just whack a film on.”

Ja
c
k
u
s
e
d
to
s
p
o
rt a
v
e
ry
g
o
o
d

m
o
u
s
ta
c
h
e
. H
e
s
a
y
s

w
a
x
in
g
a
n
d

c
u
rlin
g
” it o
n
a
re
g
u
la
r b
a
s
is
is
th
e

tric
k
to
g
ro
w
in
g
g
ra
d
e
-A
fa
c
ia
l h
a
ir.

Ja
c
k
s
a
y
s
h
is
w
o
rs
t e
v
e
r in
ju
ry
w
a
s

w
h
e
n
h
e
s
h
a
tte
re
d
th
e
b
a
ll in
h
is

s
h
o
u
ld
e
r. “
I la
n
d
e
d
a
n
a
e
ria
l tric
k

b
a
d
ly
a
n
d
w
a
s
o
u
t o
f a
c
tio
n

fo
r a
b
o
u
t s
ix
m
o
n
th
s
. I g
o
t
a
d
d
ic
te
d
to
c
o
ffe
e
in

th
a
t tim
e
.”
N
A
M
E
: Ja
c
k
Jo
h
n
s
A
G
E
:
2
4
L
IV
E
S
: P
e
n
z
a
n
c
e
, C
o
rn
w
a
ll
JO
B
: B
o
d
y
b
o
a
rd
e
r a
n
d
life
g
u
a
rd

S
P
O
N
S
O
R
S
: G
u
l,
A
n
im
a
l, N
M
D
HAPPY SNAPPING
“I love documenting the places I’ve
been. I started collecting the old 35mm
cameras, just because the end product is
sick. As you can see from these pics here,
I like messing about and mixing up what
I shoot. I was cycling to work the other
day and took a shot of a dead fox. That
was pretty weird of me.”
ISSUE 148 FRONT 57
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
MOVIE ENLOUDENER
Orbitsound T12 v2 Soundbar £300,
from orbitsound.com
GOOD: The T12 soundbar recreates the
bollock-quaking thunder of cinema
sound-systems in the comfort of
your own hovel, thanks to (it says
here) “revolutionary spatial stereo
technology” and “the application
of heavyweight scientific
principles”. Fancy!
BAD: Eventually, these T12s
will evolve into T-1000s, which
will then travel back in time
and try to kill John Connor.
FRONT ISSUE 148 58
I WANNA BE
THE HAT
Monopoly Revolution £30,
from hasbro.com
GOOD: If you love gathering
a group of pals together
for an evening of greed,
pettiness and squabbling,
there’s simply nothing
better than Monopoly. The
classic game has now been
updated with new rules,
a new board and a load of
crazy sound effects.
BAD: Thirty-eight per cent
of all murders committed in
Britain are directly caused
by Monopoly.
CLOWNSTRESS
DECK
Addict X Mitch Deck £50,
from addict.co.uk
GOOD: Until we saw this
collab deck from skate
wear label Addict and
ultra-cool illustrator Mitch,
we didn’t know that we
had a clown-girl fetish.
But, as it turns out, we
totally do.
BAD: We want to honk her
shiny nose and have her
bosh us in the face with
pie foam sooo badly...
LIVING ON A
SPRAYER
Dots Graffiti Prints Box Set
£500, from dotsthefilm.com
GOOD: Dots is a graffiti
documentary that’s currently
in production and is being
funded by the sale of these
box sets of prints by the
vandaltastic artists involved.
You also receive a certificate
entitling you to 0.05% of the
film’s profits – so if it’s as big
as Avatar, you’ll be rrrrrrich!
BAD: It probably won’t be as
big as Avatar. But you never
know! (But it probably won’t.)
DISIZZLENEY TOYZ
Vinylmation Toy Story Series £TBC,
from vinylnation.net
GOOD: These ace 9-inch figures allow
you to celebrate your love for Toy Story
characters in a cool, ironic, designer-
toy stylee.
BAD: The Big Baby figure is giving us
recurring, bed-pissing nightmares.
splash
your cash
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
FR NTAL
INTRAVENOUS
POP
Vampire/Zombie Blood
Drink £4 (each), from
firebox.com
GOOD: This Halloween,
disgust your friends and
traumatise local children
by publically guzzling
one of these hospital-style
packs of ‘blood’ (i.e. fruit-
flavoured energy drink).
Don’t forget to rub some
all over your face and
penis while screaming
like a banshee!
BAD: The whole blood-
guzzling thing doesn’t
really go with your Iggle
Piggle costume.
ISSUE 148 FRONT 59
CUSH-MMMS
Areaware Mini-Cushions £23.50
(each), from areaware.com
GOOD: Cushions are a bit gay,
but cushions in the shape of
cuddly animals are so gay
that they’ve come out the
other side and are super-duper
manly, like a moustache made
of steel cocks.
BAD: The raccoon one got into
the FRONT office bin and we
had to call a Mountie to come
and trap it for us.
T-BOOK
Ripped:
T-Shirts From The
Underground £20,
from rizzoliusa.com
GOOD: This hefty book collects
together classic punk and new wave
T-shirt designs from back in the day. If you
‘casually’ leave it lying around your house then
girls will think you’re extremely cool and will let you
put your spunker up their pum-pum.
BAD: Some of these tees look like they smell jumbo bad.
MINI MEGA DRIVE
Reactor Sega Console £30,
from comet.co.uk
GOOD: Back in the day, Sega
Mega Drives were as big as
cars and the games came
on cartridges that took
three men to carry. Now,
you can fit a Mega Drive
with 50 built-in games
inside a wireless device
no bigger than a big cake.
BAD: If you’ve grown up
playing the likes of Call Of
Duty, early-’90s games like
Going Up The Shops and
Ultimate Teatime Simulator
might seem a bit dull.
SHEET THE BED
WeSC X Mode2 Bed
Linen £70 (single)/
£100 (double), from
wesc.co.uk
GOOD: That duvet set
you bought for three
quid from Asda has
had its day now – it’s
greasy with ball-sweat
and clouded in fart-fog.
Why not replace it with
this lush WeSC X Mode2
set? It looks skill, and on
lonely evenings you can
dry-hump it.
BAD: Don’t fuck your
duvet, you silly sausage.
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
SO, ICE HOCKEY, NATHAN. IT
LOOKS A LOT LIKE GIANT MEN
WITH MULLETS BEATING EACH
OTHER WITH STICKS.
Yeah, it is, to some extent. [Laughs]
I befriended [Blackhawks defender]
Nick Boynton recently – he’s been
in the league for 12-odd years and
when he played for the Boston
Bruins he was known as ‘The
Bruiser’. He’s an ‘enforcer’, who
are the guys that take care of any
opposition players who are fucking
around with their teammates.
When I met him, he’d recently
just broken his face – I didn’t even
know that was possible.
THERE’S A LOT OF
SKILL INVOLVED,
TOO, THOUGH,
RIGHT? AREN’T THE
BLACKHAWKS PRETTY GOOD AT
THE MOMENT?
Well, for one, you’re on ice skates,
which most people seem to forget.
Flying around on those is hard
enough in itself. I think the reason
my brother [Matthew, Madina
Lake’s bassist] and I are drawn to it
is because it’s like football in that
it’s a flowing game with a lot of
strategy – there’s so much more
that goes into it than meets the eye.
And yeah, we just won the Stanley
Cup [the NHL’s big trophy]. Before
then, we were always the scrappers.
WE’VE ONLY EVER REALLY
WATCHED IT FOR THE FIGHTS...
Oh, the crowd love those too – all
the people start hammering the
glass when players kick off at each
other. It’s so funny; if you watch
a game with a lot of fights, all of
a sudden people are going off on
each other in the crowd. The league
has tried to tame it, but it still goes
off. The higher in the seating you
go, the more security are like,
‘Do your thing, man!’
DO YOU STILL SIT WITH THE
COMMON FOLK, THEN? DOES
BEING ALL FAMOUS NOT GET
YOU BETTER SEATS?
Well, my girlfriend is the one who
gets me better seats.
She’s part of the Ice Crew,
who are these hot girls
that dress up and
shovel ice between
periods. Through her
and a couple of my
friends on the team,
I usually sit with
the players’ wives
and families. It’s the
best view in the entire
stadium, but I prefer to go up and
sit up in the rafters with my friends,
because that’s where the real fun is.
ARE ALL YOU BLACKHAWKS FANS
KNOWN AS A BUNCH OF RUFFIANS
OR SOMETHING?
We’re all blue-collar beer drinkers.
In Chicago, we have two baseball
teams: the White Sox and the Cubs.
The Cubs are like the yuppie frat-
boy team and the White Sox are the
blue-collar team. That’s real Chicago
and that’s what the Blackhawks are
as well.
IT’S A BIT OF A BLOODY LAUGH AT
THE STADIUM, THEN?
It’s a very emotional game and the
fans are so loyal to their team, a lot
like football in the UK. When the
crowd sings the national anthem
at the beginning it’s like a riot.
I remember going to a game as a
kid against the Detroit Red Wings
– our main rival. There were fights
every two seconds. And when we
were playing the San Jose Sharks
in the play-offs last season, I saw
three of their fans afterwards with
paper bags over their heads with
eyeholes cut out. They were like,
“We come in peace! We just wanna
get out of here!” It can all kick off
pretty easily…
F
A
M
O
U
S
F
A
N
P
I
C
T
U
R
E
S
:

L
E
E

V
I
N
C
E
N
T

G
R
U
B
B
,

R
E
T
N
A
NAME: Nathan
Leone
DAY JOB: Vocalist,
Madina Lake
FROM: Chicago
SUPPORTS:
Chicago
Blackhawks
PRE-MATCH
RITUAL: “I usually
roll out of bed at
about 1pm and
start having beers
at the stadium.”
MID-GAME
SNACK OF
CHOICE: “A
Chicago-style
hot dog and a
Budweiser.”
BEST BIT OF
MERCH: “My
official Blackhawks
jersey – courtesy
of my good friend
#24 Nick Boynton
– that he wore
during the 2010
Stanley Cup finals,
which we won.”
THE CHICAGO ROCKERS ARE
BLACKHAWKS FANS BORN AND
RAISED – VOCALIST NATHAN’S
EVEN GOT A CHEERLEADER
GIRLFRIEND TO pROVE IT…
N
A
T
H
A
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L
E
O
N
E
HAWK’S
EYE
VIEW
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
SEPTEMBER 2010 FRONT
FR NTAL
“He was our goalie
when we won the
Stanley Cup – the
hardcore fans really
valued him, because
he’s incredible.
Goalies are really
never praised in this
sport, but a good one
can win you a hell of
a lot of games.”
“Our current
captain and an
absolute star –
he’s a young kid
who can score a
load of goals. He’s
a real good dude,
too, and is largely
responsible for the
success of the team
last season.”
“He was our
captain but then he
transferred to the
Detroit Red Wings, our
biggest rival, where
he won the Stanley
Cup. He’s now back in
Chicago’s good graces,
but he certainly got
some shit when he
came back.” VILLAIN
CHRIS CHELIOS
LEGEND
JONATHAN TOEWS
CULT HERO
ANTTI NIEMI
61 ISSUE 148 FRONT

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storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
What are you doing right
noW? I’ve just started my break at
work. I can’t wait to get back to uni
and pack my jobs in.
day job: My best one is being a shot
girl at a club in Nottingham.
dream job: I study photography
at uni, so one of those fancy-pants
photographers that get to shoot hot
models all day.
best thing about being a
Front alt girl? Getting attention,
and having FRONT readers recognise
me. Only the cool ones, mind.
turn-ons: Vans shoes and
good jeans. I’m partial to
guys having their polo
shirts done up to the top
button, too.
turn-oFFs: Mullets.
Bad hair, combined with a
shitty dress sense, and it’s a
no from me.
Who do you have a crush
on? Chatum Tanning. He’s
pretty beefy, but I quite like that
military look he’s got going.
got any tattoos/piercings?
I’ve got a star on my neck, and the
side of my lip pierced. I’m good with
FRONT ISSUE 148 62
22, from Chorley myspace.com/lottieja
pop-punk? underWear? Fridges
Full oF booze? no, you’ve not
Walked into your grandad’s
shed – it’s this month’s alt girl
pain and nerves, so getting them was
no big deal.
Favourite Film: I’m gonna go
super girly and say The Notebook.
Guys can watch it too, because it’s
got Rachel McAdams in it, and she’s
a hottie.
Favourite album: The Rocket
Summer’s Of Men And Angels.
I saw him at Slam Dunk, and he
was brilliant.
Favourite Food: Junk food. My
fridge is full of ice cream and booze.
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
ISSUE 148 FRONT 63
FR NTAL
“I was the face on a
Biffy Clyro T-shirt”
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
Booze-drink
of choice:
Disaronno
and Coke.
No expense
spared on
a night out
with me.
first gig: Good Charlotte
in Manchester.
Last gig: It would’ve been the
Slam Dunk festival in Leeds.
Perfect night out: You give
me the booze and the pop-punk
tunes, and I’ll make it a world-
beating evening.
Perfect
night in:
Bottle of red
and a chick
flick. Again, super girly.
high heeLs or
trainers? Vans
Authentics every time.
Especially if they’re in black
and white.
Who gets What in your
WiLL? My only prized possession
is my Misfits poster by Todd
Slater. I’d give it to my sister,
along with all my other stuff.
cLaim to fame? I was the face
on a Biffy Clyro T-shirt a while
ago. It was weird – they drew
bees flying out of my fingers.
sexy fact aBout you:
I collect underwear. I don’t
try them on all the time, or
anything. I’d rather walk around
my house with nothing on at all.
i secretLy have a Passion
for… Photographing good-
looking guys and girls. No matter
how much Photoshopping I do,
though, there are some people
I just can’t make pretty.
"
I

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,
nothing on a
t a
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I'd

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w
a
lk
around my house with
FRONT ISSUE 148 64
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:

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True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
FR NTAL
ISSUE 148 FRONT 65
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
What are you up to right
noW? Wondering which Gilmore
Girl I’d rather see naked.
Secret paSSion: Dressing as
a cat and prancing around for
anyone who’s willing to put up
with me.
Favourite album: It’d be either
Morning View by Incubus or Ruin
by Architects.
d
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sTEpH
yOUNGER
22, from Newcastle
facebook.com/steph.younger
66 FRONT ISSUE 148
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ISSUE 148 FRONT 67
SUPPORT
H
E
L
P
under
18s
eXCITInG
HAIrCuTs
fAke
boobs
CAmerA-
HoldInG
beArds
Coolness
&seXIness
GonAds
Topless:
up To you
JUST KEEP
SENDING
THEM IN
altgirl@frontarmy.co.uk
What are you
up to right
noW? Saving
some pennies to
go travelling.
any tattoos?
I’ve got a lotus
flower. I used to
have snakebites,
but I took those
out a while back.
secret
passions: I’m
in love with
Japanese girls.
Booze of
choice: Gin
and lemonade.
R
O
S
E
A
K
H
U
R
S
T
19, from
Bedford
her-first-love.blogspot.com
What are you up to
right noW? Watching a
bit of football and chilling.
any tattoos? I’ve got
birds on both feet. Some
dude with a foot fetish
once told me he wanted to
have sex with me because
of them. Creep.
Booze of choice: Cider,
cider, cider!
anything else We
should knoW: I’m
very proud of my boobs,
I grew them myself.
TABBY
FARRAR
18, from Norwich
facebook.com/tabby.farrar
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
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FR NTAL
2
4
W
A
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N
IN
G This monTh’s skill could
lead To choking, vomiTing,
weighT gain and geTTing you ToTally laid.
FIG. 1 GET PREPARED
eating loads of fibrous foods can help stretch
your stomach to up to four times its normal
capacity. scoffing stuff like watermelon and
cabbages, as well as drinking a monster
fuck-load of water, should help you out.
FIG. 3 DON’T HURL
suppressing your gag reflex is key – puking
will see you disqualified from any decent
contest. your gag reflex is your body trying
to avoid choking, so fighting it can be dead
dangerous, but you want to win, don’t you?
FIG. 2 SEPARATE ’EM
competitive eating champion Takeru
kobayashi uses what he calls the ‘solomon
method’ – separating the sausages from
the buns, and dipping the bread into water
to cut down on the chewing process.
INSTANT
EXPERT
NO. 44 WIN A HOT DOG
EATING CONTEST
FIG. 4 BASK IN
YOUR GLORY
man, showing off how much
cheap meat you can eat
gets ladies wetter than a
whale’s swimming trunks,
so you’d best get ready for an
onslaught of hot no-knickers
action. you’ll be smelling like
a vagina for a long, long time,
you sexy sausage-chomper!
68 FRONT ISSUE 148
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
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storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
Try To resisT The urge To
beaT The liTTle shiTkicker,
and consider whaT’s
going on in his Tiny
mind insTead...
WHAT HE SAYS:
Trick or
treat, mister!
WHAT HE MEANS:
i’m here to involve you in what has
become a worrying trend in the uk in
recent years. basically, small people
like myself obtain confectionary
by trespassing onto the property of
strangers and making demands. it’s
not weird, it’s acceptable. so then,
where’s the fucking sweets?
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WHAT HE SAYS:
Give me some sweets or
I’ll throw eggs at your
car and chuck bog roll
around your garden.
WHAT HE MEANS:
if i was a random adult who knocked on
your door and said i was going to shit on
your lawn unless you gave me 20 silk cut,
you’d rightly reach for your golf clubs and
set about me. but because i’m a kid dressed
like marilyn manson’s estranged
nephew, you’ll grudgingly hand over
some haribo starmix before shutting the
door and going back to The one show.
WHAT HE SAYS:

I can’t wait to get
home and scoff all
my sweets!
WHAT HE MEANS:
by ‘home’ i mean ‘children’s home’ and
by ‘scoff’ i mean ‘have taken away from
me by the inbred twins who run the
place’. They’re evil – they made sure
my costume was stitched into my
vest and pants so i couldn’t get it off
and would piss myself.
WHAT HE SAYS:
Thanks for the
sweets, mister!
WHAT HE MEANS:
This food’s going in the
bin, you paedo. i’ll be back
again in a few days, trying
to scrounge cash off you for
bonfire night. i’ll be pushing
a pram with one of the other
kids from the home jammed into it.
he’ll be cradling a dog we stole. we’ll
then spend the money on fireworks
and almost certainly end up being
fucking maimed.
FR NTAL
70 FRONT ISSUE 148
OF THE TRICK
OR TREATER
SECRET
LANGUAGE
WHAT HE SAYS:

I’m only out on my
own cos I freaked
out all the other
kids with my dead
scary costume.
WHAT HE MEANS:
i’m out on my own cos i’m the kid that
no one else will speak to. my costume
is made out of stuff that i found lying
around. most of it has fallen off other
kids without them noticing. The others
don’t even bully me any more because
they feel i’ve suffered
enough. might be to do
with those two heart
attacks i had before
the age of eight.
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
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storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
I have a lot of comIcs. I have so
many comics that I had to buy some of
those special comic boxes that nerds have
to put them all in, and yet it’s still not
enough as they overflow from every
shelf and crevice my tiny room possesses.
I even keep them in their plastic bags like
I’m some weird OCD Sheldon-from-Big
Bang Theory freak, but it’s only so that
I can get good money for them if I sell
them. Which I never do.
But why the obsession? What started
all of this madness? I first found out
about comics – and, more importantly,
Tank Girl – through Deadline
magazine, which I bought off of Fat
Ann the newsagent, who had a fist like
a pack of sausages. Before that, I used
to read all my dad’s old Viz comics, and
was particularly taken with The Pathetic
Sharks and Johnny Fartpants, except
because I wasn’t allowed to swear I called
it Johnny ‘Pump-pants’. After a while
I moved onto Gen 13 and Alan Moore,
and my love affair with comics began.
Not that I, like, proper get off on them
or anything… That was just that one time,
and I don’t like to talk about it.

1
Blade
You can’t mess with Blade – he’s the
hardest man ever. He should fight Batman.
That would be amazing. Oh, and that scene
in the club with the blood… Awesome.
2
scott PIlgrIm vs the World
Contains my two favourite things in
the world, apart from Eric from True Blood
and wanking. Err… Oh, yeah: Michael Cera
and snow.
3
sIn cIty
For being dead arty and actually
looking like a comic. But it’s a film. A
comicy film. Bravo.
4
tank gIrl
Everyone said it was shit but I loved it.
5
WeIrd scIence
The best ’80s film apart from Risky
Business, if only for the enduring image of
Robert Downey Jr with a bra on his head
shitting in his pants. And it’s based on a
comic from the ’50s, so, yeah.
SIM-WISE’S
RANDOM
SWEAR
PHRASE
OF THE MONTH...
D
unstable
fuck-
truncheon
FR NTAL
THE SEXY LIFE
OF A MODEL
MY TOP 5
BESTEST
FILMS BASED
ON COMICS
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FRONT ISSUE 148 72
OBSESSION OF THE MONTH:
● craBBIe’s
alcoholIc
gInger Beer
It tastes like pop, like
what the pop man
brought. I miss the
pop man. It’s so sad
that he turned out to
be a paedo.
● fallIng asleeP
eatIng curry
…and waking up
with it on my face.
● von’s sPecIal
leather mask
Here she is
demonstrating what
it looks like
with a
newspaper.
The real one is made
of skin. Human skin.
● antIchrIst
I just watched this.
Saying it’s pretty
dark just doesn’t
do it justice.
● my dIe
antWoord
t-shIrt
I don’t
remember
getting it but
it was a nice
surprise when
I woke up.
● laser Quest
Yeah!
YEAHHHHH!
WISE
WORDS
COM
ICS
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
what
else i
has done
this
month
MY NEW
FELLA
…is a tzar. Tzar
Englebert of
Georgia IV. Don't
mention his
hat, though – he
gets a bit touchy
about it after I
said that it smelt
like a grannie's
bellwhiff.
Oh, look, there
she is! And what
a nice outfit she's
wearing! Twat.
HUNgAriAN
SMAck
This is what they are
selling to kids on the
street in Hungary.
Whatever will they
think of next?
This is actually
Strongbow, but
to all intents and
purposes it looked
and smelt like
piss. The good
news? It dried
and everyone was
none the wiser.
Mwah ha ha ha!
This is what my
teenage dreams
looked like, except
this is real and
I really was there
with Pharrell
and I totally
touched his
arse a bit. It
wasn't at a
prom, though.
PrOM PicTUrE
FrOM PLANET
MENTAL
AcciDENTS HAPPEN
cHANNELiNg
MY iNNEr
TWAT
ISSUE 148 FRONT 73
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True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
ISSUE 148 FRONT 75
REALLY TALL
PEOPLE NEXT TO
REALLY SMALL
PEOPLE
It makes you realise the scope
and wonder and beauty of
humanity, and it makes you
laugh and laugh and laugh.
BAD
SHIT
THIS monTH’S LoWS
POORLY TIMED
EATING
“Hey, it’s that really pretty girl.
Hello, really pretty girl. I’ve just
been eating loads of tuna.”
SMELL SMELL SMELL SMELL.
PROPER COOKING
If you don’t do it often, you try and
make something vaguely ambitious and
end up with a half-raw mess that cost
you about 20 quid because you
didn’t own any of the weird shit that
was meant to go in it.
ABANDONED IDEAS
So you’ve got an amazing idea for a
song/T-shirt/sitcom/invention. The
thing is, there’s just so damn much
going on in normal life that you don’t
have time, and it sits there, forlorn, in
the back of your mind, and then some
other fucker does it, so you go on a
murder spree.
FAIRGROUND ART
We don’t know where the hell
fairground people (and dudes with
sweet-ass vans) learn to paint like that,
but we want to go there. It’s a beautiful
mix of awesome and fucking terrible.
FR NTAL
CASSETTEBOY
The cut-and-paste geniuses have
been around for ages on bootlegs
and the internet, but have become
truly amazing with their last few,
attacking Dragons’ Den and The
Apprentice, getting millions of hits
on youtube.com/user/cassetteboy
UNROTATED PHOTOS
ON THE INTERNET
If you’ve got enough free time to upload
380 photos of you and your fat sister’s
weekend in Rhyl, you’ve got time to
make sure half of them aren’t sideways.
RE-WATCHING OLD
JACKASS
We’re so excited about the upcoming
Jackass 3-D that we’ve spent far too long
watching all the old stuff. It’s still amazing.
GooD
SHIT
THIS monTH’S HIGHS
DOING FUCK ALL
Reaching bedtime and realising
you never actually really got up –
there’s a lot to be said for it.
“Bum. Bum bum bum bum.”
Oh, do get fucked, you far-too-
pleased-with-yourself crowd of
smug wankers.
THAT INTEL
THING FROM
THEIR ADVERTS
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
The
ultimate
cop-gone-
wrong,
bulldog-
headed Vic spent
seven seasons of
The Shield booting
in doors, torturing
drug dealers and
headbutting anyone
who even slightly got
on his tits. Yes, he’s
about as trustworthy
as a grave-robber, but
if you need somebody
handcuffing to a
radiator and slapping
until they cry, Vic’s
yer man.
NUTJOB RATING:
ILLUSTRATIONS: JOEL AMAT
FRONT ISSUE 148 76
VIC
MACKEY
20
19
“We’re back, we’re
bad, you’re black, I’m
mad!” Ahhh, Riggs, the
king of the action-flick
nutters, with his denim
so snug and his mane a-flappin’, as
he launches himself at danger on
a flying motorbike. Sadly, it later
emerged that Riggs is a pissed-up
religious weirdo who hates ladies
and blames Jews for war.
NUTJOB RATING:
SlAp-heAded ShIeld
hARdmAn
BemulleTTed leThAl
WeApon
FRONT COUNTS DOWN THE 20 BADDEST
BAD-ASS MOFOS YOU’D WANT BACKING
YOU UP IN A PUB CAR PARK SCUFFLE
MARTIN
RIGGS
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
77 AUGUST 2010 FRONT
Huggably deformed goonies Hero
He might not be the sharpest knife
in the drawer – in fact, and let’s be
honest here, he’s more of a rusty
old ladle with the handle snapped
off – but lotney ‘sloth’ fratelli is still
a jumbo-sized powerhouse and a
formidable fighter, provided his foes
are reasonably slow-moving and
don’t confuse him with long words
or joined-up writing.
KRYPTONITE: He’s terrified of ma,
which is fair enough, because she
looks like somebody took a mallet to
an old rhino’s arse.
GET THE LOOK: Copying sloth’s
‘rugged’ look won’t be easy. your best
bet is to involve yourself in some kind
of horrible car crash, then get your
ravaged face reconstructed by the
very worst of blind, drunk surgeons
money can buy.
GET THE ’TUDE: drink a bottle of
Cillit bang while listening to happy
hardcore, then spin around 50 times
while punching yourself in the
temples. now sit down; now stand up
very quickly. Ta-daaa! you are sloth.
NUTJOB RATING:
EDDIE
maiden’s
mega-massive
metal monster
over a 30-year career of leering
from iron maiden sleeves, eddie’s
been a nineteenth-century soldier,
a twenty-second-century hitman
and a psychotic fighter-pilot,
plus he’s battled satan and killed
maggie thatcher. He’d easily
kick the shit out of motörhead’s
snaggletooth, megadeth’s vic
rattlehead or the misfits’ Crimson
ghost, no probs.
NUTJOB RATING:
tough nuts
fe
a
tu
r
e
18
17
SLOTH
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
CASEY
RYBACK
CHUN-LI
SOLID
SNAKE
Sneaky-uppy
killy baStard
Most chefs are aggro bastards – the
job just attracts shouty wankers
– but when push comes to shove,
the majority of them are actually
pussyclart fassyoles: we know for a
fact that Gordon ramsay’s children
push his head down the toilet
almost daily. not under Siege’s
Casey ryback, though: he’s as adept
at bustin’ butts as he is at butterin’
baps, because beneath that flour-
covered exterior lurks a highly
trained navy Seal baddie-twatter.
KRYPTONITE: Collapsing soufflés.
GET THE LOOK: Casey’s expression
veers between ‘mental arithmetic’
and ‘six-day
constipation’
– so get
yourself a
book of tricky
Sudoku puzzles and a jumbo box
of imodium.
GET THE ’TUDE: Casey isn’t one for
John McClane-style zingers. He has
some decent lines (“What babbling
bullshit is this?”) but his whispery,
monotone delivery lets him down.
best just to copy his fighting style:
lots of oddly effeminate backhand
face-slaps.
NUTJOB RATING:
OMelette-flippinG aikidO Cunt
WaCky
HairdOed Street
fiGHter
With thighs that make beyonce look
malnourished, Chun-li combines
extreme kickiness with extreme
short-skirtedness in the most
hospitalising way possible. She’ll be
spinning daintily around and you’ll
think, ‘phwerr, i reckon i just saw a
bit of pink!’ and then blOWH – you
get a face full of feet. Cue “yatta!”
and girly jumping.
NUTJOB RATING:
Star of the Metal Gear
franchise, lonely old
Snake’s been sneaking
up on unsuspecting
mercenaries and making
them slump silently to the
ground since 1987, but he
really came into his own
in 2008’s Super Smash bros
brawl, in which he dealt
out some deeply satisfying
shoeings to cutesy, squeaky
wankers like pikachu, kirby
and princess shit-minge peach.
NUTJOB RATING:
16 15
14
where
,
s
the soap?
, ,
,,
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
Boulder-
headed, unkillaBle
Brute
the black-and-white world of Sin
City is chock full of bad-asses and
tough-nuts, but hatchet-faced
Marv has the baddest ass and
the toughest nuts of them all.
the only person who even lays a
scratch on him is cannibal ninja
sex-case kevin – and
Marv swiftly tortures
him to gory death,
so that was just a
momentary blip.
NUTJOB RATING:
the tranSporter’S
CoCkney tough-nut
the world’s most nails
parcel courier, Frank is
the undisputed champ
of turning everyday
objects into wondrous
weapons for his hypnotic ballet
of fightery. Jason ‘Sadface’ Bourne
performs similar tricks, but
we’d bet on Frank over him
in a one-on-one, because
Frank is simply much,
much more ridiculous.
NUTJOB RATING:
gun-totin’, ’taChe-
totin’ ledge
as British as cloudy
bitter and as
indestructible as
diamonds, Captain
price strides through the Call
of duty games as if he bloody
well invented war, and will
put bloody war over his ruddy
knee and give it a bloody good
spanking if it acts up. his
spectacular moustache alone
could put you in an inescapable
choke-hold.
NUTJOB RATING:
roCk-hard tranny
BaStard
Who says an older lady can’t be a
tough-nut? this fifty-something,
hairy-legged spinster not only foils
a violent mugging, but she also
throws a goddamn orange at James
Bond’s head and snaps the
badge off his Merc like
it ain’t nuffink. She’s
gangsta
as gangsta
gets, getmi
doe bruv?
NUTJOB
RATING:
MRS
DOUBTFIRE
FRANK
MARTIN
tough nuts
fe
a
tu
r
e
WALLY
What a total flid. in a
hat and jumper clearly
knitted for him by his nan,
specky piss-streak Wally
lurks around in crowds
looking like a paedophile
trainspotter, grinning
nervously while clearly
terrified of getting his face
filled in by a suspicious
dad or a gang of local
hoodies. the creepy
little piss-ant.
THE KARATE
KIDS
old-skool karate kids ralph
Whatsisface and hilary
Swanker were pretty weedy,
but newbie Jaden Smith is the
most unconvincing martial-
arts champ of all time.
Weighing less than a tin of
beans, he could know all the
karate in the world, and we
would still kick his fucking
head in with one leg tied
behind the other.
THOMAS
JANE
the star of ridicul-ace cop
show the Mentalist might
be a wizard with the mind-
reading and sleight-of-hand
tricks, but he flees from
actual danger like a yellow-
bellied chicken made of
lily-livered weakness. also,
everyone calls him ‘Jane’,
which is the standard-
issue name for timid, cat-
collecting frumpellas.
LUIGI
While Mario is a no-
nonsense, rough’n’tumble
kinda guy who thinks
nothing of performing
death-defying leaps or
battling monstrous giant
mushrooms, his runty bro
luigi is a wimpy shitehawk
who’s frequently scared to
the point of incontinence
by even the feeblest of foes.
he can’t even grow a decent
moustache, the shit loser.
CPT.
PRICE
MARV
alien-killing, really
FuCking hard lady
an expert at keeping her
head while those around
her are losing theirs
(along with their arms,
legs and torsos), alien-
hating space-lady ripley
knows that half the key to being hard
is huffing around the place with a
humourless scowl on your face,
as if everyone else is a bozo
who’s just getting in the way.
Seriously, try it – you’ll feel
20 times harder.
NUTJOB RATING:
79 ISSUE 148 FRONT
12
11
9
13
ELLEN
RIPLEY 10
WORLD’S
WEAKLINGS
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
NIKO BELLIC
car-jacking rotter
ShoeleSS, veSted die
hard motherfucker
You can be as hard as Zeus himself,
but if you don’t have some zingy one-
liners to dish out while you carve up
your foes then you might as well stay
at home and play with your ball-sack.
john mcclane has the perfect smirky
comment for every situation. it is
possible that he practises them all in
the mirror beforehand, but there’s no
shame in that.
NUTJOB RATING:
JACK
BAUER
terroriSt-torturing
tear-awaY
You could chain a comatose Bauer
to a torpedoed nuclear submarine
that’s set to explode when it hits the
seabed, and he’d still kick your ass
before you could say, “that’ll teach
him.” he’s actually kicking your ass
right now, but he’s
so good at it that
you haven’t
even noticed.
NUTJOB
RATING:
in a video gaming world full of
grizzled space-marines and
steroid-pumped brawlers,
gta4’s eastern european star,
niko Bellic, looks as weak
and flimsy as a bulimic goth.
But don’t judge a book by its
scruffy cover: niko, he wily
like fox and strong like ox.
You pay him now. any funny
businesses, you get slap.
KRYPTONITE: his dickhead
trouble-magnet cousin roman.
GET THE LOOK: eastern european
pimp chic: polyester tracksuit,
fingerless gloves,
vodka-soaked
stubble, marlboro
reds and the
dead-eyed stare of a man who
once witnessed his grandma get
squished under a Balkan tank.
GET THE ’TUDE: niko is the
dictionary definition of a School of
hard knocks graduate. if you can’t
get into the School of hard knocks
because of poor a-level results, you
might still be able to enrol at the
night-School of minor Setbacks.
NUTJOB RATING:
RICHARD
northern, vengeful, Bearded aSS-kicker
JOHN
RAMBO
Battle-Scarred
jungle-humper
mentally damaged
ex-soldiers are always
good value in the
hardness stakes. with his
love of single-handedly
taking on entire armies
and police forces, ’nam vet rambo is
a man who’s channelled his negative
energy into something worthwhile,
i.e. steaming piles of maimed
carcasses. post-traumatic stress
disorder ftw!
NUTJOB RATING:
JOHN
MCCLANE
OMAR
LITTLE
out-of-the-cloSet
outlaw
the wire’s legendary dealer-robbing
stick-up man is so hard that his
rep actually does all his thieving
for him: all he has to do is swagger
about the neighbourhood whistling
the farmer’s in the dell, and
hardened gangsters turn to piss-
knickered scaredy-cats and start
flinging bags of loot at him. Saying
that, he’s not above firing off a few
rounds, just to top his rep up a bit.
KRYPTONITE: despite giving off
the impression that he’s Superman,
bullets and blades do actually
hurt him.
GET THE LOOK: You’ll need a
shotgun, a duster jacket, a facial
scar, a pack of newport ciggies,
a box of honey nut cheerios,
a cunning old-man
disguise and a rosy-
cheeked ‘twink’ boy to
bum between stick-ups.
GET THE ’TUDE:
Swan around like an
overconfident mayor.
Be careful to never
use swear words
(for some reason).
NUTJOB
RATING:
8 7
6
5
4
3
he might not look
particularly hench,
but dead man’s Shoes’
surname-less richard is
still the scariest of all these
here hardsters. intent on
avenging his disabled
brother’s tormentors in the
craziest ways possible, he’s
as unstoppable as a zombie
vampire – he’d take a groin
full o’ bullets and still
manage to cut you up and
ram you in a suitcase.
NUTJOB RATING:
FRONT ISSUE 148 80
it
,
s all in
the game
, ,
,,
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
Portly, rich, smartly dressed and
pushing 50, classical music fan Judge
Philip Banks might seem an unlikely
candidate to top our list of world-
class shit-kickers. But beneath those
golfing sweaters beats a heart of pure
rage, which when unleashed can
result in Uncle Phil flinging grown
men through the air, across the porch
and right out of his house, like some
kind of fat, black Incredible Hulk.
KRYPTONITE: An idiotic nephew
and a lifelong love of jumbo portions
have left Phil with a fucked ticker.
GET THE LOOK: Stick a quilt up
your jumper. If you’re under 6ft 4in,
invest in some stacked heels. Shout
“Wiiillllll!” a lot.
GET THE ’TUDE: Get a piece of paper,
write down everything that makes
you angry, then roll the paper up and
jab it into your eyes. Inconsolably
livid? Welcome to Phil’s world!
NUTJOB RATING:
You’re gonna get your
kidnapped daughter back
if you have to kill every
fucker on the planet!
SEE: John Matrix in Commando.
You’re an everyday schmuck
who refuses to take any more
of the world’s bullshit!
SEE: Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver.
You’re a scientist who’s had
a bit of a weird lab accident
that’s made you very strong
and slightly wrong!
SEE: Dr Bruce Banner in The
Incredible Hulk.
How did you do?
A GAS BILL
ARRIvES AT YOUR
HOUSE. DO YOU...
A: ...feverishly scan
it for clues, hidden
messages and
ransom demands?
B: ...march down to
British Gas HQ with
it and jam it up the
Big Boss’s arsehole?
C: ...destroy your
house? No more gas
bills. Should’ve done
this ages ago.
Someone knoCkS
into you in the
puB. Do you...
A: ...grab them by
the ears and scream
“Where is sheee?”
into their face?
B: ...smash their head
against the bar until
they go completely
limp, then calmly
return to your pint?
C: ...kick them,
literally, into the Sun?
you’re heADing
out. Do you
tAke...
A: ...guns, grenades,
face paint, a tear-
stained photo?
B: ...a weapon that
you’ve made from
coat-hangers and
glass and christened
‘Happy Tony’?
C: ...nothing at all?
All you need is the
eerie purple glow
around your body...
uNCLE
PHiL
Bel-AIr’S JUDGe, JUrY AnD
GoDDAMn exeCUTIoner
dARTH
VAdER
DArk lorD WITH A
SHInY HelMeT
Mr D. Vader is the hardest
asthmatic middle-manager
with a replacement hip
ever. Christ knows why
luke is so gutted when
he discovers that
Vader’s his dad – we’d
be well chuffed.
NUTJOB RATING:
Think w
e’ve m
issed a
m
ofo off our list or m
ade a
horrific, unforgivable error
only punishable by death or
a verbal w
edgie? Then sock
one to us:
front@
frontarm
y.co.uk
C
A
R
E
T
o

d
i
S
A
G
R
E
E
?
81 ISSUE 148 FRONT
2
eVerYone’S GoT A HArD
BASTArD DeeP WITHIn
THeM – BUT exACTlY
WHAT kInD of ToUGH
GUY Are YoU?
tough nuts
fe
a
tu
r
e
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
FRONT ISSUE 148 82
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
One night
with...
Natalie
Blair
From home to club (via taxi)
and back again, spend a sexy
evening with the coolest girl
on Earth. Dress code: no tops
Why hello, Natalie. FaNcy
bumpiNg iNto you here…
We thought We’d stop by
For a lemoNade. What’s
your poisoN?
Can I be cheeky and ask for a jug
of something nice and cool, like a
gin, or vodka, or both? We can share
it. Let’s get the evening going like
pros! [Laughs] We’ve already had a
few at home before coming here.
Pre-drinking rocks because you can
go crazy, and people won’t look at
you strangely.
photography: Bartosz LudWInskI
ISSUE 148 FRONT 83
cover girl
NATAlie BlAir
20, from Carlilse
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
cover girl
NATAlie BlAir
Group
nights out…
“don’t go out in massive groups,
because you won’t get as much
attention and it’s never as fun as
you’d think. there’s normally about
two or three of us that go out, but
we’re pretty loud. We try and be
civilized, but once we’ve had a
few sambucas it just all goes out
the window.”
Nat’s night
out tip #1
FRONT ISSUE 148 84
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
ISSUE 148 FRONT 85
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
crazy as iN aN aNdreW W.K.
KiNd oF crazy? boy, that
maN caN party…
[Laughs] Hell yeah, harder than
that! I’ve been known to make a
few cocktails, and perhaps end
up doing a spot of stripping off
and running around to entertain
everyone. that’s the best thing
about drinking at home. You
can’t be free to do what you want
in a pub, can you?
yeah, that’s the last time
We’ll Flash our balls iN a
WetherspooNs. so What else
does your pre-goiNg out
ritual iNvolve?
Wouldn’t you like to know! It’s
actually girls having pillow fights
in their underwear, so you’re not
missing out on much… I’ll make a
big mix of alcohol, too, like when
you have punch at a party. Just
pour spirits into a bowl until it
tastes nice.
so Where do We hit First
WheN We go out, theN?
mecca biNgo? the spar? or
someWhere less classy?
I don’t really go to rough pubs. It’s
great that you can get dirt-cheap
cocktails, but the temptation of
a few sambucas usually gets the
FRONT ISSUE 148 86
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
cover girl
NATAlie BlAir
ISSUE 148 FRONT 87
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
Nightbus or
taxi? taxi – you
can get up to all
sorts in the back
of one.
DuDe oN the
DaNcefloor or
bloke at the
bar? dancefloor,
of course.
’spooNs or
Yates? ’spoons.
Cheap jugs.
ciDer or lager?
Cider, with
blackcurrant.
treNDY club or
olD-maN pub?
trendy club, but
with old-man
pub karaoke.
kebab or chips?
Both!
teetotal or
total pissheaD?
Pisshead.
cheesY chat-
up or baD-ass
DaNciNg? dancing,
but please, no pelvic
thrusts. thanks.
Your place or
ours? Yours. I can
throw my clothes
around then.
FRONT ISSUE 148 88
Making
shit parties
kick arse…
“Just get more drinks down
everyone’s necks, and get
everyone out on the town.
I wouldn’t do something fucking
crazy like get on the table and
throw the bin across the room,
or anything. not everyone’s like
they’re from an episode of skins.”
Nat’s night
out tip #2
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
cover girl
NATAlie BlAir
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
cover girl
NATAlie BlAir
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
better of me in there, and it means
the evening is going to get very
messy, very quickly.
What’s a messy Natalie blair
liKe, theN?
I’m quite good, and surprisingly
polite. I mean, if some drunken bloke
came and danced like an idiot in
front of me, I wouldn’t go psycho on
him. I’d politely ask him to go away
and try his groovy moves on some
other poor, unsuspecting girl.
FuNNy you say that, because
We’ve iNveNted our oWN daNce
move, the shaKiNg serpeNt.
Would you tell us to go aWay iF
We did that iN FroNt oF you?
no, by the sounds of that I think
that you could really impress me
with your moves. Can I see you do it
now? anyway, are you buying all my
drinks tonight?
messy
No problem. We’ll just steal
the oNes people have put
doWN aNd ForgotteN about.
it’s called miNesWeepiNg aNd
it’s really FuN.
that’s disgusting. Is that what you
really do? What if some knobhead
spikes one of the drinks? nightclubs
can be full of some pretty dodgy
fellas, in my experience. and lasses
too, for that matter…
“An evening
of sambucas is
going to get
ISSUE 148 FRONT 91
very
very
quickly”
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
Getting
served at
the bar…
“You can squeeze your boobs
together, but I don’t know if
guys can get away with that.
It does actually work for me,
though, as does a good smile.
so remember: next time you
go out, squeeze your boobs
and smile.”
Nat’s night
out tip #3
FRONT ISSUE 148 92
S
T
Y
L
I
N
G
:

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True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
ISSUE 148 FRONT 93
cover girl
NATAlie BlAir
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
FRONT ISSUE 148 94
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
ISSUE 148 FRONT 95
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
are

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
on hats
sorts on
the back
seat”
cover girl
NATAlie BlAir
Chatting
people
up…
“The worst thing you
can say to someone is,
‘Have you got Facebook?’
It’s fine to look for them
afterwards, but to ask just
looks like you’re going to
stalk them.”
Nat’s night
out tip #4
good
for getting
up to all
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
FRONT SEPTEMBER 2010 86
W
ho Would you love to
bum
p into doW
n at the
local discothèque? W
e
heard that nick from off
the apprentice tears shit
up round here, as does
louis Walsh.
I don’t mind a bit of Louis
Walsh. Something tells me
he wouldn’t be that into
me, anyway. Nick from The
Apprentice is a bit old, so I’d
rather see someone cool, like
Travie McCoy. He looks like a
nice guy. Guys are really cool
to go out with, especially when
they’re as hot as Travie.
W
e’d get jealous and storm

off in a drunken stupor –
but hoW
does an evening
out W
ith natalie end?
I’ll head back to a friend’s house
for more partying. I’d grab some
cheesy chips on the way for
energy, and make sure there
was plenty of booze waiting for
us. I’m not going to stop until
the sun comes up…
cover girl
NATAlie BlAir
D
rin
k
in
g
g
a
m
e
s

“If there’s a few of you, I’d
recommend Ring Of Fire.
It’s a card game where
you have a circle of cards
around a pint glass in the
middle. You pick a card at
random, and it relates to
doing a boozy forfeit.”
Nat’s night
out tip #5
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
partying
ISSUE 148 FRONT 99
“I’m not
going to stop
until the sun
comes up”
S
T
Y
L
I
N
G
:

H
A
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L
E
Y

F
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S
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A
I
R

&

M
A
K
E
U
P
:

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C
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Y

R
U
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storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
FRONT ISSUE 148 100
S
u
r
v
e
y
W
e
a
sk
e
d
y
o
u
lo
t to
te
ll u
s
h
o
w
y
o
u
liv
e
y
o
u
r lo
v
e
liv
e
s, a
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d

o
v
e
r a
th
o
u
sa
n
d
o
f y
o
u
b
la
b
b
e
d
y
o
u
r
se
x
y
b
a
lls o
ff o
n
F
R
O
N
T
A
R
M
Y
.co
m
.
F
in
d
o
u
t w
h
a
t y
o
u
r fe
llo
w
re
a
d
e
rs a
re

g
e
ttin
g
u
p
to
in
th
e
sa
ck
o
v
e
r th
e
n
e
x
t six
p
a
g
e
s…
Sexual
chemistry
explained
with Fae!
The science of
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
Are you
in love?
IS THEIR FACE
PERFECT?
Study after study have shown
that both men and women
are attracted to people
with symmetrical facial
features. Why? Because you
subconsciously feel that if
you get sexy with someone
with a wonky mouth and
frightening jumbo-ears, it’s
a sign of underlying genetic
problems doomed to end up
in wonky babies (albeit with
exceptionally good hearing).
ARE HER
BOOBS
HUUUUUGE?
Men prefer bigger breasts.
‘No shit,’ you say, but it’s
actually because of evolution.
Harvard anthropologist
Frank Marlowe reckons that
bigger, heavier breasts go
more noticeably south with
age than itty-bitty titties,
meaning that big’n’pert
boobs are a sign of youth
and fertility. Back when we
were breeding-obsessed
cavemen looking for a
lass to mate with, a big
firm set of juicy honkers
let us know from a
distance she was still
capable of producing
babies – a randy instinct
that has remained in our
salty balls till this day.
DOES SHE LOOK LIKE YOU?
DO THEY SMELL ACE?
DOES SHE
LOOK LIKE
YOUR MUM?
OR DAD?
Greek mythology has it that
we’re doomed to shag our
mum and kill our dad, and
the scientific truth isn’t far
off. Numerous studies have
proved that men are attracted to
people who look like Mummy
and girls want a man who
look, behaves and even smells
like Dad. Scientists claim it’s
because we associate their
facial characteristics with
love, kindness and trust. And
if you want to kill your dad?
Well maybe he shouldn’t have
grassed you up to Mum about
that copy of Razzle.
Take a long look at that girl
you want to do the sex with.
Does her nose look a bit
like your massive hooter?
Do her eyes look not unlike
yours? Does her moustache
turn up at the ends, just
like yours?
The answer is almost
certainly ‘yes’. That’s
because we tend to be
attracted to people who
physically look like us.
Scientists have even shown
this goes as far as middle-
finger lengths, metabolic
rate and ear size.
A university in Bern,
Switzerland asked women
to sniff unwashed T-shirts
from various blokes. It
was discovered that they
consistently preferred the
stink of men who differed
genetically from themselves
and would therefore offer
any offspring a better
genetic resistance to
diseases like diabetes or the
dreaded penis lurgy.
Men also respond to
smell, being more attracted
to women who are just
about to break open the
Tampax. A UCLA study
concluded that men found
women’s scents considerably
more appealing as they were
nearing ovulation.
101 ISSUE 148 FRONT
of you lot w
ould be up for
an open relationship,
you kinky fuckers
3
3
%
science of love
fe
a
tu
r
e
of FRONT readers believe
in love at first sight
5
7
%
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
of FRONT readers consider
themselves to be disliked
by their partner’s
parents
FRONT ISSUE 148 102
Is she
into you?
SHE TOUCHES YOU...
Fae says: “I’ve always
thought it’s an annoying
myth that if a girl likes
you, she’ll touch you.
Maybe if she’s touching
your bum a lot, she likes
you – otherwise, look out
for more subtle signs. Most
of the girls I know touch
themselves when they’re
around a guy they like.
We touch our hair or hips
to draw attention to the
bits of us we want you
to appreciate.”
FRONT RecOmmeNds:
Take Fae’s advice and look
out for a girl touching
herself around you. Save
time by just asking, ‘Do you
touch yourself and think
of me?’
The wORsT case: It turns
out it was an aggressive
rash after all, and she
wasn’t getting touchy-feely
by choice… Ah well, there’ll
be plenty of opportunity to
pick up girls down at the
dermatologists.
SHE TALKS TO YOU ON
FACEBOOK...
Fae says: “Yep, this is a
fair-enough, dead-giveaway
sign. There’s always a
chance that she’s just
talking to you to be friendly,
but look at where the
conversation is going. If she
asks you three seemingly
in-depth questions in a row,
it looks like she likes you.
See if she calls you things
like ‘hun’ or ‘sugar’ and if
she uses phrases like ‘I’m
bored’ or ‘tell me something
fun’. If she does, she’s
definitely into you.”
FRONT RecOmmeNds:
Take a picture of your
newly washed cock and
balls and tag your object
of affection in it. It’s a sure
way to gauge her reaction
on Facebook.
wORsT case: It wasn’t
actually her flirting with
you online – it was her
older brother Boris. He’s
liked you for a while now,
and would very much like
to take things further.
of FRONT folk prefer
being hitched-up to being single
7
2
%
science of love
fe
a
tu
r
e
P
I
C
T
U
R
E
S
:

S
A
S
H
A

D
A
V
I
E
S

H
A
I
R

&

M
A
K
E
U
P
:

N
I
C
O
L
A

H
A
F
F
E
N
D
E
N
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
AUGUST
SHE’S
STARING AT
YOU...
Fae says: “It’s possible that
she might fancy you. I don’t
know many girls who’d stare on
purpose, though, or they might
look a bit weird. The thing to
look out for is if they’re trying
to draw attention to themselves.
If I liked a guy, I’d have a strut
in front of him. It is nice when
a guy makes good eye contact
with you, though.”
FRONT RecOmmeNds:
Confront her! Something
subtle like, ‘Hey, why are you
staring at me?’ should do the
trick. She’ll be so impressed by
your confidence that you’ll be
fumbling away in no time.
The wORsT case: She’s bog-
eyed. The girl hasn’t been
staring at you after all, but was
looking at a funfair going on
behind you. Ooof, bet you feel
like a right clot now…
SHE BORROWS
YOUR HOODIE...
Fae says: “Don’t read too much
into this – she might just be cold,
or a thief. A T-shirt is more of a
giveaway. I used to steal them off
guys because the smell reminded
me of them.”
FRONT RecOmmeNds: Cross-
dressing. It’s got nothing to do with
what Fae said – we just tried it and
it was a laugh.
The wORsT case: She is indeed
a thief, and has sold six of your
hoodies down at the market. She
also stole your belt, so you can’t
wear trousers any more.
FRONT’S AgONy AuNT VON
gIVeS uS THe SkINNy ON
RelATIONSHIpS…
WHICH
RELATIONSHIP
SUITS YOU
BEST?
TOP
FIVE
yOuR TOp FIVe wAyS TO
meeT FuTuRe lOVeRS…
1 THROUGH MATES
2 FRIENDS FIRST
3 AT A GIG
4 IN A NIGHTCLUB
5 AT THE PUB
aRe yOu… A randy sailor? A frequent
traveller? A hobo?
TheN yOu’Re suiTed TO a…
long-distance relationship
aRe yOu… Scared of commitment?
Fond of an itchy scrotum?
TheN yOu’Re suiTed TO aN…
Open relationship
aRe yOu… Indecisive? The tall one
offa Friends?
TheN yOu’Re suiTed TO aN…
On-off sorta thing
aRe yOu… A lone ranger? Darren
from Hollyoaks?
TheN yOu’Re suiTed TO a…
Fuck buddy
VON’s pROs: “Fuck
staying in to watch
The X Factor: the long-
distancer enables you
to party hard with
your best mates while
still knowing you have
an end-of-week fumble
to look forward to. plus,
your other half might
make naughty vids to
keep the spice alive.”
VON’s cONs: “No
one wants to sit on
a National express
every fucking weekend
watching some dirty
tramp wank off into
a bag. well, most
people don’t…”
VON’s pROs: “you
get to make up rules,
and get a custom
relationship – sort of
like the Subway sarnie
of love. you want ham?
No worries. She wants
a bit of salami inserted
into your rectum? Have
it your way, guys.”
VON’s cONs:
“Someone always gets
hurt, or gets a disease.
you don’t understand
the true meaning of
‘hurt feelings’ until it
comes up behind you
and stabs you in the
heart with an AIDS-
infested spoon.”
VON’s pROs: “The sex
is better than amazing.
you’re constantly
falling out then having
deranged make-up
romps. plus, you can go
crazy in the sack and
try something new
every time.”
VON’s cONs: “you
should never get back
with an ex, because
it’ll just fuck you
up. wondering who
dumped his load on
her pretty chin during
the ‘in-between times’
is too much to take.”
VON’s pROs: “you don’t
need to worry about shit like
falling in love, so nothing
can possibly go wrong. There
are no feelings involved
whatsoever – to begin with.”
VON’s cONs: “The other
person often turns into
a psycho and ends up
thinking you’re prince
Charles and they’re
lady Di. In the end,
you’ll both end
up dead in
a tunnel in
paris. maybe
not that extreme, but it does
tend to end in shit.”
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
How do I
keep up
our sexy
chemistry?
WILL A
SENSE OF
HUMOUR GET
YOU LAID?
In short, no. While girls often
say that LOLs are one of the
main things they look for in a
dude, research suggests quite
the opposite. Intensive studies
of speed-daters have shown
that, at a conscious level, men
and women have no idea
what really attracts them to
one another and just end up
going on looks.
yOu’ve fInaLLy gOt It gOIng On, but
hOW dO yOu turn that randy spark
IntO a ragIng InfernO? sex educatIOn
expert dr petra bOyntOn and frOnt’s
OWn aLex sIm-WIse share theIr vIeWs…
MIX IT UP
The doc: “stop things going
stale by mixing your sex life
up a bit. start doing sex in a
multitude of locations. try
the kitchen, garden or even
in a public place, but don’t do
anything too illegal.”
Sim-WiSe SayS: “If you're going
to have sex in public, why not
go all out and do it in a skip or
in the middle of a packed disco
dancefloor? If you're lacking a
better half, just have a danger
wank – maybe in a model
village, or at a bieber concert.”
IF SHE’S
TIRED...
The doc: “One massive reason
for dry spells is the old ‘I’m
too tired’. If you share each
other’s workload round the
house, then the likelihood of a
tired partner reduces and the
chances of more adventurous
sex goes up.”
Sim-WiSe SayS: “If your
other half says they’re too
tired, just do what I do: put
the rubber gloves on and role
play like they are a criminal
and you have to cavity search
them because they are hiding
illegal drugs. the more they
complain, the better the game!
If anything, it will definitely
wake them up.”
TALK
FRUITY
The doc: “getting a bit fruity
with your pre-sex lingo is a great
idea, and simply asking her how
she wants to receive sex will get
both of you hot under the collar.”
Sim-WiSe SayS: “sexy talk can
make you sound like enrique
Iglesias’s bumbling cousin. most
girls just want to be told that
you want to fuck the shit out of
them, so stick with that. If she
hits you, it’s a bonus. under nO
cIrcumstance should you ever
talk like a baby.”
SPILL THE
BEANS
The doc: “sometimes it’s better to
just tell the other person how you
want to play things. this sexed-up
foreplay is a winner, and can lead
to insanely intense sessions.”
Sim-WiSe SayS: “Women want to
be told – they want to be pinned
down and schooled in sex until
they can’t walk any more. guys
need to throw girls about.
Imagine you’re
patrick bateman
in bed. patrick
bateman is
fIt. [Readers,
please note:
Sim-Wise
is clearly
joking here]
SIM-WISE vs
THE SEXPERT
o
f re
a
d
e
rs h
a
v
e
h
a
d
a
fu
c
k
b
u
d
d
y 5
5
%
WHAT’S MOST IMPORTANT
TO YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP?
A PULSE 8%
HUMOUR 61%
SKILLS IN THE KITCHEN 2%
GOOD FASHION 2% BODY 5%
COOL MATES 7%
SEX 15%
FRONT ISSUE 148 104
HOW MANY
ONE-NIGHT
STANDS HAvE
YOU GUYS
EvER HAD?
NEvER ONCE LESS
THAN
FIvE
TIMES
LESS
THAN
TEN
TIMES
OvER
TEN
TIMES
36% 16% 30% 11% 7%
o
f rea
d
ers h
av
e b
een
ch
ea
ted
o
n
5
9
%
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
105 ISSUE 148 FRONT
ONE MINUTE
TO KNOW IF
IT WILL LAST
An Ohio University study
found that people could tell
in the first minute or two
whether they’re interested in
a long-term relationship.
Make the most of that
minute, we say. Down a pint,
eat a full foot-long Subway,
light a fart and do your
impression of a baboon. It
will be the most memorable
minute of her life.
THE THREE STAGES
ScIentIStS hAve IDentIfIeD the three
StAgeS Of Sweet lUUUrve
science of love
fe
a
tu
r
e
DRUGGIE LUST
the chemicals that fire off
in your brain when you first
lust after someone have a similar
effect on the body as old fashioned
heroin – making that initial feeling
of fancying someone with large
tits the body’s natural equivalent
of shooting up behind co-op. You
loved-up druggie, you.
INSANE
ATTRACTION
After the lust comes the romance.
research has found that the
changes in brain-chemistry during
this stage can actually send you
temporarily insane. Dopamine
is released, y’see – the same
neurotransmitter activated by
hoovering up an ounce of cocaine.
GAY FILM
STAGE
when the lust has gone and
the romance’s died, it’s time to
settle down, start ignoring your
mates and spend your weekends
watching r-Patz rom-coms that,
deep down, you secretly enjoy.
And who do we have to thank/
blame for this? Our loveable
hormones, and one in particular:
oxtoycin, which is release by
both sexes during orgasm. So
if your mum and dad aren’t
getting on, just tell them to
screw that little bit harder.
3
2
1
frontarmy.com
Go to
for an
exclusive
sexy science
wallpaper
with Fae
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
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B
E
C
A
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E

L
I
F
E

S

T
O
O

S
H
O
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F
O
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FRONT ISSUE 148 108
It’s been ten whole years
since the amazing trainer
forum-come-shop that is
Crooked Tongues started
up, and to celebrate they’ve
docked cocks with one of
the UK’s finest lifestyle
brands, Addict, for this
here jacket. Take note of
the pockets, which are big
enough to fit about six
cans of Special Brew in.
£145, from addict.co.uk
ADDICT X
CROOKED
TONGUES
Th
is boasts a 100 per cen
t
cotton
dry w
ax fin
ish
w
ith

carbon
coated sh
ou
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True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
FLY 53
ACCESSORIES
Brit brand Fly53 have come up with
the perfect bunch of accessories. Try
wearing them all at once and nothing
else – it’ll be a real head-turner.
Boxers £15, Socks £5, from fly53.com
DIRRRTEE
HATS
You don’t even need to be
having a bad hair day to
rock one of these, which
come courtesy of one
of the UK’s finest street
wear brands. Check out
the site and buy these
right now.
£20, from dirrrtee.com
THE RIGHT
PACK
Jansport’s
Monochrome Right
Packs put a tasty
new slant on the
plain old rucksack,
with these ace
lollipop colourways.
£60, from
jansport.com
SUPER DEATH
STAR
Adidas have pushed the boundaries of
geek into out of space with this college
jacket and Conductor Hi combo. Evil
never looked so good.
Jacket £350, Trainers £100, from
adidas.com
THE
HUNDREDS
Paying homage to The
Beatles’ Hard Days Night,
this is an awesome tee
from Yankees The Hundreds.
£30, from routeone.co.uk
S
T
A
R
W
A
R
S
ISSUE 148 FRONT 109
LTD
WATCHES
Each LTD watch is
exactly that: completely
limited edition, with
just 150 of each made.
And with big-hitters
like Chiddy Bang and
Dizzee throwing their
weight behind them, you
better act fast.
£85, from ltdwatch.com
ORIGINAL
PENGUIN
The American brand are
celebrating their fifty-fifth
birthday this year, and that’s a
pretty decent age, we must say.
This here polo is their original
model from back in the day,
minus the cobwebs.
£55, from originalpenguin.eu
B
E
A
T
L
E
S
H
O
M
A
G
E
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
FRONT ISSUE 148 110
T
r
a
s
h
T
a
l
k
fuck YEah
Hello tHere, Spencer offa traSH
talk: aka, tHe moSt dangerouS
band in tHe world…
I don’t think of us as a band that
are at all dangerous. Our fans can
go fucking insane at gigs, though.
Seeing people jump off speakers onto
someone’s head and throwing shit
around the pit is fucking nuts, but
that’s what a punk gig should be like.
wHat Sort of SHit getS cHucked
about in tHe pit?
I’ve seen trash cans and milkcrates
being thrown about, and people
crowd surfing in kayaks and on
surfboards and stuff. It’s a fucking
free-for-all. Perhaps the weirdest
was when some fella grabbed a big
wooden barrel and chucked it at us as
we played. Trying to dodge it was
like something out of Donkey Kong.
well, we’ve Heard aSton
from JlS reckonS HiS gigS are
more dangerouS tHan yourS…
Aston who? Who the fuck is that?
He’S deadly. He doeS backflipS
tHe wHole time.
Whoever he is, I don’t want any beef.
We’ll let him think his gigs are crazier
than ours if he wants.
tHat’S very relaxed of you.
We don’t need the hassle of upsetting
people any more. We seem to attract
trouble most places we go, anyway.
We’ve had run-ins with bikers in
Florida and Nazi bouncers in Stoke-
On-Trent, so we don’t need no
more people pissed at us.
traSH talk live, you’d beSt be prepared…
tHey’ve been dubbed ‘tHe moSt dangerouS band in tHe world’,
and you better believe it. if you’re wanting to See
pictureS: DAN WILTON
Styling: WILL BARNES
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
111 ISSUE 148 FRONT
“We seem to
attract trouble
in most places
We go”
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
FRONT ISSUE 148 112
WHO THEY?
Lee (22, vocals); Spencer
(25, bass); Garrett (25,
guitar); Sam (22, drums).
FROM: Sacramento,
California.
SOUNDS LIKE: Getting
punched in the throat
by Converge.
LEE (22, VOCALS)
Raised By Wolves X Actual
Pain T-shirt £25, from
100percentfurious.com
Jeans £45, from
esskateboarding.com
Toki ND Trainers £65, from
nikesportswear.com
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
113 ISSUE 148 FRONT
“Some guy chucked
a wooden barrel
on Stage – It waS
lIke SomethIng out
of donkey kong”
Why do you think you
attract so much trouble?
I dunno, man. In some
neighbourhoods people have a
problem with the colour of my
skin. It’s real bad in the Deep South
of the US. You know when you
walk into a room and you feel real
unwelcome? That’s what it’s like all
through those states.
so When you’re not being
given evils in the dirty
south, What do trash talk
get up to on the road?
We smoke a lot of weed together
and hit a lot of Tony Hawk. I’m
pretty much a pro at staring out of
windows, too.
don’t you guys play ‘poo pile-
up’ on the road?
Poo what now?
spencer (25, bass)
T-shirt £25, from
indcsn.com
Jeans £55, from
etnies.com
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
“We got
terrorized by
a massive rat
that flooded
our house”
FRONT ISSUE 148 114
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
115 ISSUE 148 FRONT
It’s where everyone takes a
shIt and doesn’t flush, so It
all pIles up. the loser Is the
pussy who has to flush It or
does a sIck…
You’re disgusting. Do you play that
in the UK a lot? That explains why
it smells like a haggard mix of fox
shit, vomit and baby poop around
our house.
you’ve all been sharIng
a place over here for the
summer – are there any rules
at trash talk hq?
Anything goes. There’s only one
rule: no smoking inside. That’s it.
what about InvItIng a puke-
staIned, gun-wIeldIng local
for dInner?
The closest we’re getting to
uninvited guests is the massive rat
that terrorized us and flooded our
house. The guys reckon it was the
size of a German Shepherd or an
antelope, or something.
how dId thIs monster flood
your house?
This thing was huge. We’re saying
it bit through a pipe. We came back
from a show and stuff was floating
down our hallway. We’ve really
fucked that place up.
you should let us organIse a
front facebook party round
at yours.
We prefer crashing other people’s
parties, to be honest. We can
fuck shit up there and when
the cops are called, it’s not our
responsibility. I’ll bring the whisky,
though. We love hitting up a fan’s
party after a gig.
garrett (25, bass)
Cap £25, from
flyingcoffin.com
T-shirt £25, from
witchcrafthardware.com
Jeans £50, from
emerica.com
Air Jordan Spizikes
Trainers £90, from
jumpman23.com
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
FRONT ISSUE 148 116
Both Bruce Dickinson anD
Mick Jagger’s sons are Big
fans – ever thought of
partying at their places?
That’d be nuts. Our drummer,
Sam, is a massive Maiden fan,
and I was raised on The Rolling
Stones, so I’d probably get freaked
out to shit if I met Mick. I reckon
I’d hide in the bathroom so I never
had to leave.
gooD plan. finally, give us
your Best trash talk.
My favourite is one I learnt back
in the playgrounds of school. It
goes, “You mother-fucking, titty-
sucking, two-balled bitch. Yo’
mama’s glass eye with a fish in
it.” I’m gonna teach my kids that
shit, but not till they’re much
older. Like, eight, or something.
A big thanks to everyone who came down
to the shoot on the day – we love you all.
Miss out on all the action? Make sure you
never do again – get over to the FRONT
Facebook page for info on future fun-times
saM (22, DruMs)
Shirt £50, from
emerica.com
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
“PUNK SHOWS
SHOULD BE FUCKING
NUTS – OUR FaNS
aRE INSaNE”
117 ISSUE 148 FRONT
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
FRONT ISSUE 148 118
BRUTAL
METAL
EES
THE BLACK
DAHLIA MURDER
BY DAN MUMFORD
Dan is super good
at drawing things –
especially things with
gnarly teeth that bleed.
Hailing from Brighton,
he’s designed shirts for
fellow South Coasters
Architects as well as
Bring Me The Horizon,
and knocked out cover
art for releases by A
Day To Remember
and The Devil Wears
Prada. He’s also just
started his own
clothing line –
suitably titled, er,
Mumford Clothing.
The Black Dahlia Murder £10, from indiemerchstore.com
W
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W
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type
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etal
gives you
th
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bon
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I’d have to go w
ith
progressive m
etal. I'm
really into anything that is
technically proficient but
at the sam
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e has an
aw
esom
e tune. is th
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yon
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th
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etal
tees th
an
you? Joshua Belanger – that guy
goes nuts w
ith his designs.
W
h
o’s in
your top Five
m
etal ban
ds ever?
I’ll go w
ith N
ecrophagist,
M
eshuggah, Opeth, Reflux
and Buried Inside.
Q
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True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
119 ISSUE 148 FRONT
Mortician £10, from shop.relapse.com Conan £14, from aurora-b.com Municipal Waste £12, from earache.com
Aurora Borealis £8, from aurora-b.com Gama Bomb £12, from earache.com Exhumed £10, from shop.relapse.com
Inhume £10, from shop.relapse.com Carnifex £15, from imperial-clothing.com Parasitized £8, from parasitized.co.uk
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
FRONT ISSUE 148 120
If you’re stIll feelIng an end-
of-summer hangover, then let
these boots, hI-tops and plImsolls
brIghten your lIfe
NATIVE –
FITZSIMMONS
Hiking boots are hot at
the moment, and these
stand out for more than
just their bright colours:
foam-moulded and ultra-
lightweight, while still
being chunky as fuck and
tough as a tower made
of fists.
£70, from 020 8421 7070
T
R
E
N
D
First released in December ’09 in
collaboration with the brilliant
Danish brand Wood Wood, these are
definitely one of the top sneaks
to rock this winter. Inspired
by the gnarly Scandinavian
winters, these are hardy little
bastards that’ve been slicked
up to keep you feeling
toasty and looking cool.
£70, from
nikesportswear.com
FUTURE HIGH
£65, from famoussas.com
NIKE
LUNARWOOD
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
121 ISSUE 148 FRONT
LEATHER HI
£80, from feiyue-shoes.com
éS X KELLEN
JAMES X SK8MAFIA
Kellen James loves
Anchorman’s Ron Burgundy so
much that when he was asked
to do a shoe with éS, he was
desperate to stay classy and put
it in this special colourway to
honour San Diego’s finest. It
also comes with your very own
Sk8Mafia medallion, too.
£45, from routeone.co.uk
OSIRIS RHYME REMIX
£80, from kickzoo.com
OT TECH HIKE
£80, from adidas.com
LACOSTE INAGRO LB
£50, from 24teeth.com
MATTHEW
£50, from macbethshop.com
OLLIE KING
£50, from etnies.com
SUPERGA SUEDE
£85, from mywardrobe.com
EMERICA TRENTON
£50, from rollersnakes.co.uk
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
THE MAN KNOWN TO HIS
NAN AS DEVONTE LETS FRONT
TREAD MUD INTO THE CARPET
OF HIS NEW YORK APARTMENT
LIGHTSPEED
CHAMPION
122 FRONT ISSUE 148
PHOTO PrINTS
“A lot of them are to do with the
band Nada Surf, because my mate
is good friends with their singer,
Matt. The best one is where the
photographer was taking pictures in
a restaurant, and this guy came up
and asked if he could take a picture
of his bird – only, when he went over
to take it, there was just this weird
iron sculpture. Bizarre.”
TwILIGHT
“I haven’t even read it. I was in LA a
while ago and I woke up on my friend’s
couch, hungover. His girlfriend was
going to work and I asked her for a
book to read to take my mind off it, but
I never started it. I’ve tried reading one
of Stephenie Meyer’s books before, but
it was so badly written that I couldn’t
get past the first page.”
BEETHOvEN
“I’ve got a piano in my bedroom
and the Beethoven scores are
from when I was 13. Chopin is my
favourite composer. I got this book
of his scores on London’s Southbank.
The other scores are actually mine,
just lying about.”
BOOkS
“Patricia Highsmith is one of my
favourite authors – I have all of
her books, and some newspaper
clippings from the day that she died
that I bought in a flea market in
Paris. I have a load of comics around
here, too. I’m a big Peanuts fan.”
R
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True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
ISSUE 148 FRONT 123
Film Poster
“I’m a huge Steve Martin fan. I’ve
got all of his books and all of his
movies. My friend plays in the band
We Are Scientists and he got me this
poster for my last birthday. I need to
get it framed at some point.”
Camera
“I like to take photos on Kodak
cameras. I went to a dollar store in
Chinatown one day and saw this,
fully packaged, for a dollar, so I got
it. I take all my photos on it.”
Yankees CaP
“I like the Yankees, but the main
reason I got it is because it’s the hat
that Short Round wears in Indiana
Jones And The Temple Of Doom.”
kiss albums
“When I first came to New York, I
read up about how Kiss had released
these four solo records in order to
speed up their record deal. After
that, I spent a month trying to find
all the Kiss solo records. Two of them
were in Academy Records, which
is near my house, and the other
was in the city somewhere. I’m still
searching for Ace Frehley’s.”

D
evonte takes his Lightspeed
Cham
pion nam
e from
the series of
com
ics he used to scraw
l as a n
ipper.

W
hen w
e took th
is picture,
D
evonte had on
ly just m
oved in
.
“I don’t norm
ally live out of
boxes,” he told us.
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
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storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
Is your groin a confused area? Let Von
straighten it out. Relieve yourself by writing to
TXT 07717 605 946
front@frontarmy.co.uk
facebook.com/frontmag
and feels a biT playful
she doesn’T beaT around The bush
unless she’s had a few pinTs
Filming myself having sex is
something I try to do as much
as possible – you really can’t
beat rubbing one out over
your very own sexual prowess
the next morning. It can,
however, be done VERY badly.
don’T geT Too drunk –
I once had six cans of Stella
and thought it’d be a good
idea to do unspeakable
things with my
then-boyfriend on
film. It wasn’t. do
have some kind of
scripT – not, like, an
actual script, but a line
or two always spices
it up for me. don’T
film The acTion Too
up-close: try and use a
tripod and move it around
N
A
U
G
H
TY

after an epiphany that involved
seeing Jesus’s face in a pot noodle,
i have decided to become a devout
christian – but my girlfriend
just doesn’t understand that
i won’t have sex with her
until we’re married. what
should i do? i don’t want
to lose her, but i can’t
disappoint Jesus.
Andrew, York
I’ve heard some excuses
before, like, “Last time, you
ripped my balls off,” or,
“I can’t, my dick got
bitten by a mosquito,”
but yours is truly
fucked. Try screwing
around where Jesus
can’t see you, like
underground or in
a sleeping bag. Or
just fuck off out of
my sight. Either
will do.

should we JusT
sTay as maTes?
my best mate is rather taken by my
lady bits. pretty normal problem, to
be fair, other than if i lose him as
my bezzie chum i also lose my most
favouritist drinking buddy. any
words of wisdom?
Lottie, via text
I can relate, Lottie – the exact same
thing happened with me and my
bezzie mate, and, to be fair, a lot of
my other close mates too… You’re
right, though: it can really screw a
friendship over, but if it’s just sex
then what’s the problem? If you think
you can handle that, you’ll be fine –
but if you can’t emotionally detach
yourself, then don’t go there. You
need to be pretty heartless and dead
inside to get away with that sort of
behaviour. Maybe start by drowning
bags full of kittens, and when you
stop feeling any remorse for their
silly little furry lungs filling with
water, you’re good and ready to give
your mate the come-on. G’luck!
dear von, there’s this girl i like and
i think she likes me. The thing is,
she’s got a husband and a kid. what
shall i do?
Matt, Bristol
If you just like her and you ‘think’
that she likes you, there’s a (pretty
big) chance that she actually doesn’t,
Matt. Plus, if she has a child, this
means that her vagina has had an
actual human fall out of it – and do
you really want to see that? The only
sensible solution here is to befriend
the husband, perhaps over a game of
golf or something shit, then convince
him over time that he’d be happier
packing his bags and moving to
Spain, leaving you free to move in
on the lonely lady. The long game
will give the kid time to grow up and
move out. You don’t want it getting in
the way. They’re a pain like that.
i’m really into live action role play,
von, but i’m finding it hard to get
a lady to share it with. what should
i do? are there any kinky larping
forums that you know of?
Tobias, London
Some girls love role play, Tobias,
but your main problem is that
LARPing is essentially for guys who
can’t grow facial hair, still live
with their mums, or are slightly
creepy. You’re best sticking to
cracking one out in your room
over the ladies in your mind and
leave us real girls alone, please –
retardedness is pretty contagious,
apparently, after all.

126 FRONT ISSUE 148
#17 HOME VIDEOS
whaT would
Jesus say?
how can i ruin a
happy marriage?
P
H
O
T
O
G
R
A
P
H
Y
:

Z
O
Ë

M
C
C
O
N
N
E
L
L

S
T
Y
L
I
N
G
:

H
A
Y
L
E
Y

F
O
R
E
S
T
E
R

H
A
I
R

&

M
A
K
E
U
P
:

W
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E
S
E

H
O
U
S
T
O
N
-
J
I
B
O

U
S
I
N
G


S
L
E
E
K

accordingly. Close-ups of
your jiggling man-tits
aren’t sexy. And don’T
show your maTes: you
are most certainly not an
actual porn star, and your
bird really isn’t that nice
with her clothes off.

i’m lonely, and
should really
know why
Anal weekend in Dorset
Best of Big
Break
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
DIFFICULTY
4
ENJOYMENT 2
Ghost Bukkake
127 ISSUE 148 FRONT
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
Free Super Saver Delivery and Unlimited Free One-Day Delivery with Amazon Prime are available. Terms and Conditions apply. See Amazon.co.uk for details.
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
ENTERTAIN
YER BRAIN
LOLS FROM
BEYOND
THE GRAVE
DeaD cult comeDian Bill Hicks
packs in some gags from tHe
grave witH tHe release of His
essential collection.
FILMS & DVDS, p136
ISSUE 148 FRONT 129
“the cops w
ould pull m
e
over and i’d be so drunk i’d
be out to their headlights
thinking i m
ade it to another club.”
“the w
orst kind of non-
sm
okers are the ones that com
e
up to you and cough. that’s
pretty fucking cruel, isn’t it?
Do you go up to cripples and dance, too?”
“w
e live in a w
orld
w
here John lennon w
as
m
urdered, yet Barry m
anilow

continues to put out fucking
album
s? god dam
n it!
if you’re gonna kill
som
ebody, have som
e
fucking taste.”
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
Wrestling is so much more
than just men wearing leotards
having competitions to see who’s
the best at cuddling. In any one
week of the WWE, there’s more
drama going on than in ten
EastEnders Christmas episodes.
This latest wrasslin’ game is the
closest to life in the actual WWE
you can get without putting
your sister’s swimming costume
on back to front and moving to
America. The career mode, which
THQ are particularly stoked about,
lets other wrestlers throw down
challenges which you can rise
to or wuss out of depending on
how hard you are. The Create A
Wrestler mode is more advanced
than ever – you can even create
signs for enthusiastic crowd
members to hold up. My wrestler
was called Fanny Fart and was the
handsomest fighter ever – I felt a
weird mixture of a mother’s pride
and a bit of a stirring as he got the
shit kicked out of him.
Released 29 October
R
E
V
I
E
W
S
B
Y
A
L
E
X
S
I
M
-
W
I
S
E
IN A NUTSHELL
Violent hunks in
girly trunks artfully
beatung the fuckery
out of each other.
✪ ✪ ✪ ✪
CREATE A MOVE
A bit like a super-muscly version of
the old Tony Hawk create-a-move
mode, you can connect a sequence
of moves together to come up with
your own trademark manoeuvre.
HELL IN A CELL
The skill Hell In A Cell mode lets
you compete in the kind of match
that had that amazing Mick Foley-
crashing-through-a-cage moment in
it. Fuck that.
BILL AND TED IT
When you’ve finished in career mode,
you can take a look back through
your high and low points using a
time-travelling phone booth, like Bill
S Preston and Ted Theodore Logan.
WRASSLIN’
WWE
SMACKDOWN
VS RAW 2011
360/pS3/WII
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
ISSUE 148 FRONT 131
GA
M
in
G
n
EW
S
EnSLAVED
ADVEntuRE
360/PS3
NiNja Theory are the
gaming developers best known
for bringing an ace slice of
Hollywood to their video games,
with scripts and stories and
cinematography and all that
big-word malarkey. Their last
game, Heavenly Sword, was so
awesome that we heard one guy
chopped off ten fingers in an act
of appreciation (thankfully, they
weren’t his).
Their latest offering, Enslaved,
is loosely based on the classic
Chinese story Journey To The
West. After a plane crash in a
post-apocalyptic New York, our
main man Monkey awakes to
find that the rather lovely (if not
entirely trustworthy) Trip has
made him her slave by putting
a headband on him that will
slice his nuts off or something
if he doesn’t do what she says.
Oooohhhh. Needless to say,
don’t play this game with your
girlfriend if you don’t want her
to get funny ideas.
Gameplay wise, it’s a bit of a
tactical puzzler and your main
job is to protect Trip – she’s
a total girl and can’t fight.
You use various decoy tactics
to stealthily get round stuff,
although you can go apeshit
with your light saber thing if
you want. All in all, a bit good.
Out now
Before Call of DuTy was even
a twinkling in the sweat bead
of a hairy palmed gamer, there
was Medal Of Honor. Created in
1999 by Steven Spielberg, it was
kinda like being in Saving Private
Ryan, but more ace. Now, over ten
years later, it’s been relaunched
and for the first time EVAR they
have expanded outside of their
traditional WWII territory and set
it in Afghanistan.
Campaign mode sees you
alternating between ‘Tier One’
stealthy assassin-style play and
‘Big Military’ run-in-and-kill stuff,
so you don’t get bored, and the
game features realistic AI and
team banter and destructible
environments. Plus, all the
missions sound like Gallows song
titles. Hardcore.
For those who prefer
Battlefield’s multiplayer to
COD’s, this game is for you as
its multiplayer is specifically
handled by the same team behind
all the Battlefield titles (DICE). Oh,
and if you’ve ever wondered what
it’s like to be a Taliban, you can
play as them too…
Out now
WAR
MEDAL OF HOnOR
360/PS3/PC
AlienwAre
M11x
Anyone who knows their
PC gaming shit knows
that Alienware are pretty
darn special, but with this
latest addition they’re
gone one step further
and created the most
powerful 11-inch gaming
laptop in the universe.
So, not only is it small
and light with lots of
battery life, but it also
has the most powerful
graphics capabilities, like,
ever. Amazing. Great for
nerding out on the go
and “especially good for
gaming on the shitter”
according to our resident
games/shitting expert.
Most realisticy big boys
don’t cry FPs this side
oF Kabul.
✪ ✪ ✪ ✪
in A nutSHELL
chinese legends +
lightsaber thingies =
a jolly nice tiMe For all.
✪ ✪ ✪
in A nutSHELL
SiM-WiSE’S
GAMES i’D
LikE tO SEE
ODYSSEY tO tHE WESt
nO. 16:
LADY in RED
You are Chris De Burgh
and you have to get
through a dancefloor of
angry red ladies without
getting stabbed in the face
and the gut. Tricky.
I
n

R
e
d
Lady
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
m
u
s
i
c
HOW TO START A GRUNGE BAND
GRIMY RIFFERY
Grunge guitarists used
dropped-D tuning and Big
Muff effects pedals to get that
all important
drowning-in-
mud sound.
If the noise
coming out of
your amp is
making your
bowels spasm,
then bingo!
Grunge boasted the least sexy
yoof-cult look ever – it’s a
wonder anyone got laid
between 1991 and
1995. You’ll need:
a plaid shirt,
a goatee,
torn jeans,
military
boots, and
a week of
sleeping rough.
ENDLESS PROBLEMS
You need to be all sadface, all
the time. If you can work in a
bit of actual bi-polar
disorder, all the
better. Remember
to further
compound your
misery by scoffing
hard drugs on an
hourly basis.
✪ ✪ ✪ ✪
THE SNARLING SPIRIT OF
1993 SEATTLE IS ALIVE
AND WELL IN 2010 LEEDS.
GRUNGE REVIVAL IS GO!
IN A NUTSHELL
GRuNGE DOESN’t aLwaYS get
its due, but if it wasn’t for all
those scruffy-dressing, Seattle-
dwelling, smack-injecting bands
coming along in the early ’90s
and taking over the world with
their gnarly punk-metal sludge,
rock music might still be all about
Spandex leggings, lady-man
hairdos and widdly-diddly solos.
If grunge hadn’t kicked down the
mainstream’s door, we’d probably
never have had emo, or metalcore,
or post-hardcore, or any of that sort
of lark. Granted, we’d also never
have had Nickelback, but it’s swings
and roundabouts, ain’t it.
Anyway. Leeds three-piece
Dinosaur Pile-Up are on a mission to
introduce a whole new generation
to the primal, grunting, gloomy fun
of grunge, and if their awwwesome
debut album doesn’t kick-start a
mini revival of lumberjack shirts,
shouty sadness and people blowing
their motherflippin’ heads off with
shotguns, we’ll eat our bong-water-
stained Sub Pop T-shirts.
Out now
GROWING PAINS
GRUNGE
DINOSAUR
PILE-UP
MaNKY CLOtHES
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
ISSUE 148 FRONT 133
When pop-punk is good, it’s
the most exhilarating music in
the world – like being launched
out of a clown-shaped cannon
into a pile of lubricated gymnast
girls. On their second album,
Philadelphia’s The Wonder
Years regularly reach the dizzy
heights of pop-punk giants like
New Found Glory and Blink-182,
by keeping things fast, noisy
and face-slappingly upbeat.
Plus, their T-shirts are really
nice – you can tell a lot about
a band by the cut, quality and
overall stylishness of their
merchandising, y’know.
Released 11 October
FURTHER
LISTENINGS
Since killjoy
chineSe chemical
companies ceased
producing one of the
key ingredients and
global MDMA supplies
dried up, dance music
has shifted away from
‘loved-up and huggy’
over to ‘pissed-up and
fighty’ – suits us just
fine, because pissed-up
and fighty is how we
roll, ladies. One of the
best of this new wave of
angry-arse murder-rave
is Scotland’s Drums Of
Death, who makes a
clattering electro racket
that sounds entirely
amazing at 3am, and
completely fucking
hideous at 10am.
Out now
you’d probably
expect a band with
a name like Attack!
Attack! to be all about
high-octane guitars,
galloping drums and
breathless punky songs,
so we were surprised
to discover that this
Welsh outfit actually
write tender folk ditties
about kitten’s noses,
barge holidays and
mantelpiece trinkets.
Not really, readers:
they’re all about
high-octane guitars,
galloping drums and
breathless punky songs,
and they’re very good
at it. It’s like listening to
someone have a tuneful
row with themselves.
Out now
GENERATION HEXED
DANCE
DRUMS OF DEATH
WALES BURPS UP
YET MORE MOSH-
POP, THEN WAFTS
IT UP OUR NOSES.
IN A NUTSHELL
✪ ✪ ✪
THE UPSIDES
POP-PUNK
THE WONDER
YEARS
THE LATEST FASHION
ROCK
ATTACK! ATTACK!
IN A NUTSHELL
RAVE MUSIC FOR
REAL MEN WITH
TWITCHING FISTS
AND VAST BALLBAGS.
✪ ✪ ✪✪
FASTER FASTER FUNNER
FUNNER GIRLS GIRLS
CHUGGA CHUGGA
FASTER FASTER STOP.
✪ ✪ ✪✪
IN A NUTSHELL
ALL SORTS
VARIOUS
NINJA TUNE XX
Always-awesome UK label
Ninja Tune is celebrating
its twentieth anniversary
with the box set to end all
box sets: six seven-inches, a
huge hardback book, stickers,
posters, and six (count ’em)
CDs of new music from the
likes of Diplo, Roots Manuva
and Spank Rock. If you like
electro, dubstep, hip-hop,
drum’n’bass etc etc then
you neeeed this off Santa
for Christmas.
Out now
✪ ✪✪✪
DUBSTEP
MAGNETIC MAN
MAGNETIC MAN
This knob-
twiddlin’
supergroup
– made up of
Skream, Benga and Artwork
– have taken dubstep out of
dingy spliffed-up clubs and
whooshed it straight into the
top five, so if you were only
into it to be all underground
and trendy, you’d better
move on to the next ultra-
cool thing, which will be
either drum’n’bassoon or
allotment techno.
Released 11 October
✪ ✪✪✪
ELECTRO
VARIOUS
FABRICLIVE 53:
DROP THE LIME
You can tell
that Drop The
Lime’s Fabric
mix CD series
is situated down the more
mental end of dance music
just by looking at some of the
track titles: there’s tunes on
here called Brrrap!, Thwomp
Stomp, Youth Blood and
Everybody Bleeding.
Basically, it’s noisy-arse
electro, dubstep and techno
for getting coppers into
headlocks to.
Released 13 October
✪ ✪
P
I
C
T
U
R
E
:

T
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B
A
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N
E
S
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
This sweet apparel
company produce
garms based on the
awesome worlds
of traditional and
neo-trad tattooing,
as well as running a
nice little blog.
Influenced by the
worlds of music, art
and action sports,
this street wear
brand brings it all
together to create
some killer threads.
134 FRONT ISSUE 148
Music, pop-art
and comic books
inspire the debut
range from noobs
Stasis Clothing.
Bonus fun: use
code FRONT2 at
checkout to get
10% off.
frontarmy.com
E
S
S
E
n
stasisclothing.com
pROMOTION
respect-tradition.com
SWALLOWS
& DAGGERS
STASIS
CLOTHING
In their own words,
Adored’s wicked
garms are “made
by hand, sweat
and blood,” which
guarantees they’ve
put a lot of love
into their stuff.
And maybe the
odd stain…
adoredclothing.bigcartel.com
ADORED
CLOTHING
The independent label
is offering not only free
collectables with each
order, but an exclusive
10% discount with the
webcode FRONTARMY.
stopdroprock.co.uk
STOP, DROP,
ROCK CLOTHING
Ace tee company
Zoo York love the
Route One crew
so much that
they give them
exclusive tees
like this beauty.
You won’t find
them anywhere
else in the UK,
making you look
extra spesh.
routeone.co.uk
ROUTE ONE
vapoursoftwear.co.uk
VAPOUR
CLOTHING
FASHION
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
ISSUE 148 FRONT 135
What’s better than
a smart new pair
of headphones?
A 20% discount
with the code
Frontarmy20,
that’s what. Get
online and make
the most of it.
Wrap up all of your
prized technology with
these skill custom
skins. Use your own
art or choose from
the gallery to keep
anything from iPods to
games consoles mint.
urbanz.co.uk wrappz.com
URBANZ WRAPPZ
T
I
A
L
S
CONTACT
To be FeATUReD
heRe e-mAil
conTAcT DeTAils To
essenTiAls@
FRonTARmy.co.Uk
The newest
thing in T-shirt
printing, DYO
can print
whatever the
flip you want,
no matter
how totally
insane. Go put
that claim to
the test.
DYO – TSHIRT
dyo-tshirt.com
HAIRBOND
Hairbond aim
to smarten
up the scruffy
hair of young
males all over
with their
luxury line of
proper cool
hair products.
hairbond.co.uk
LIFESTYLE
Picture frames that allow owners to display
album covers on their wall. The Play &
Display design means albums can be easily
swapped over and that the thickness of
different records can be accommodated.
artvinyl.com
ART VINYL
Contemporary
canvas art prints
from a range of
artists, illustrators
and photographers.
All items are high-
quality and limited
edition, with
subjects ranging
from cityscapes and
pop art to erotica
and graffiti.
THE CANVAS
LOUNGE
thecanvaslounge.co.uk
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
F
I
L
M
S

&

D
V
D
s
what’s
this crazy
madness
you’ve gone
and created,
then, rob?
It’s a rock ’n’ roll vampire movie
about a band who aren’t getting
anywhere until, one night, their
bass player goes home with a
vampire. Then their fortunes
start to change…
is this a bit of a‘jump on
the vampire wagon’ thing?
No, it’s been a long time coming.
D
V
D
Starring: Henry rollinS,
alice cooper, vampireS
I wrote the script six years ago –
the bandwagon helped with the
initial financing, but I knew that
the time my movie got released
would be the day when it was
over. [Laughs]
how did you get all
the big-shot names
on board?
It’s a domino effect: once
you get one name on
board, it’s easier to get
others. I just sent an
e-mail to Iggy Pop and
after a show I showed
SUcK
him the script. Then others
got involved, and Alice Cooper
joined because he knew the
whole cast through playing
golf with them.
were there any diva-
style hissy-fits?
They were all awesome.
I was nervous talking
to all these legends,
but they couldn’t have
been cooler. There
were no outrageous
requests. I think
they knew we had
in a nUtSHell
Vampires + hard
rock – pattinson’s
fanny head =
sweeeet.
4
/
5
A new vAmpire yArn is often a bit
like the last soggy doughnut in the bag:
you certainly don’t need it, you probably
won’t enjoy it, but, by god, there’s
always room to shove another one in
for good measure.
Thankfully, Suck has its blood-covered
tongue very much shoved in its pasty
cheek. Writer, director and star of the
show Rob Stefaniuk has decided to put
a big dirty rock twist on the genre, and
roped in the legendary likes of Henry
Rollins, Alice Cooper and Iggy Pop to
come along for the ride.
The story centres on a small-town
band who find that falling victim to
fangy fuckers does wonders for their
music career, not to mention their sex
lives. Along the way, most of the titans
of rock get nibbled to bits at one point or
another, and that’s pretty much it.
Sounds silly-as-shit? Well it is, but it’s
also pretty wicked and is a nice antidote
to an increasingly tired genre. Plus, you
get to see Moby having the life sucked
out of him, which gives you a weird
sense of payback…
Released 18 October
Q
&
a
R
o
b

S
t
e
f
a
n
iu
k
W
riter/director
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
ISSUE 148 FRONT 137
MY FAMILY
SERIES 10
Ignoring the balls-
out audacity of the
Jonas Brothers calling
themselves ‘rock
stars’, if we wanted to
watch three virgins
prancing about like
dickheads we’d buy a
DVD of Cliff Richard
doing a show with
Jedward and SuBo.
More laughs were
likely to have been
had in the Fritzl
family home than
with this out-dated
televisual tit – and
that’s even without
the addition of
Josef’s legendary
Basement Stand-
up Comedy Club.
JONAS: ROCK
STARS IN
THE HOUSE
S
W
E
R
V
E
T
H
I
S
BAD LIEUTENANT: PORT
OF CALL: NEW ORLEANS
BILL HICKS: THE
ESSENTIAL COLLECTION
TAKERS
BURIED
Starring Ryan Reynolds and his
boss-eyes
In cinemas now
FLICKS
BlowIng
ShIt up FoR
the Sake
oF It. why
not, eh?
CRookeD Cop
not takIng
any ShIt,
y’heaR?
aweSoMe.
unleSS you’Re
a ChIlean
MIneR
4
/
5
Starring: Matt Dillon
In cinemas now
Starring: Eddie Murphy (jokes!)
Out now
Starring Nicolas Cage, Val Kilmer
Out now
you can’t beat
a shameless
heist flick;
one where you
could easily
swap your brain
for a bucket
of popcorn in
the foyer
ALSO OUT
Suck was an official
sponsor of this year’s epic
Bloodstock, which would
totally be the festival of
choice for the undead.
that, or Cambridge
Folk Festival.
no money to spend on
them anyway. [laughs]
Was it a hoot dreaming
up the grizzly deaths
for your rock heroes?
absolutely. I didn’t want
them to just walk on and
say, “hi, I’m Iggy pop,” then
walk off, so it was fun to
really go to town on them.
and, more importantly,
What do alice cooper’s
farts smell like?
oh, god… they smell like…
roses, of course.
FuRtheR
pRooF that
the gooD DIe
young (paul
DanIelS IS 72)
2
/
5
3
/
5
FLICKS
3
/
5
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
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T
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IN
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A
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N
T
A
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N
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S
S
O
F
F
R
O
N
T
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Y
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U
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M
O
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IL
IT
Y
P
H
O
N
E
HOllY
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
Teenlicious
AphrodiziAc
Body heAT
When sATurdAy
cums
Gabriella Fox
Riley Steele
Aletta Ocean
Havana Sin
FITTEST LADY THE VERDICT
COMPLETELY TYPICAL
MOMENT
HAT TO wEAR wHILST
SPAFFING ONE OuT
BONGO
ADULT DVDS
W
h
o

s
h
e
?
It’s R
iley S
teele,
D
igital P
layground
starlet and pretty
lady of 3
-D
fright-
fest P
iranha 3
-D
h
A
’W
A
y
T
h
e
l
A
d
s
!
c
A
ll
9
9
9
!
cArLOTTA
chAmpAGNe
JAIme
hAmmer
Jaime is Billy-bollocks in most
of her pictures, which is much
nicer than the nude pics we
found of our handyman mate
Jamie Spanner.
Disappointingly, Ashley
doesn’t have any candy
on her site – just loads
of pictures of her incredible
thruppenies and other rude bits.
TAYLOr
TrUe
3
4
5
taylortrue.com
ashleyscandy.com
BIRD
W
@
TCHING
The finesT ladies doing Their sexy
rounds on The inTerneT This monTh
1
jaimehammer.com
JeWeL
we assumed private
schools were full of
dusty old dorms, rugger-
loving blokes and shower-
time bummings. we have
been grossly misinformed
about the private sector.
This dame has a twin
sister called Taylor
False, who is a liar and,
allegedly, a thief.
Has Carlotta
been nicknamed
‘Champagne’
because she’s a
bubbly lass who
comes out at
special occasions,
or because
she causes
extravagant and
unnecessary
spraying? You
decide, people.
carlottachampagne.com
privateschooljewel.com
2
AShLeY’S
cANDY
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
Take one fasT-as-fuck
500bhp M5, stuff two dirty
superchargers up its arse, add
some massive brakes, and go
play on das autobahn!
G-Power have created the
world’s fastest saloon, and it’s
a right little beast. Not only
will this 1,800kg bastard hit
over 230mph, but it’ll still
carry four in leather-
covered comfort.
And that’s before
you get to the
sound of the twin-
turbo V10 at full
chat. It’s kinda
like a jet fighter
and F1 car having
a fight after a few
premium-brand
beers. If you need
the fastest four-
door in the world,
this is it.
s
k
i
d

m
a
r
k
s
■EnginE
5ltr twin-turbo V10
■PowEr
723bhp
■0-62mph
3sec
■ToP SPEEd
231mph
ThE niSSan 350Z was a
proper mint motor, and it
looks like its replacement,
the 370Z, is even better.
Aside from pant-pissingly
good looks, the drop top
roof and a sweet 329bhp
V6 lump, the Z is one of the
best handling sports cars
around. Smoky sideways
action is only a heavy right
boot away, and it sounds
properly angry when you
tickle it. The roof takes ten
seconds to drop, it’s got
heated and cooled seats,
plus a shit-hot stereo that’ll
have your mates bonered up
to the nines.
NissaN
370Z
G-Power
HurricaNe
rr
£250,000
completely
unnecessary, and
completely brilliant.
iN a NuTsHeLL
old-school rWd
that’s fast and fun.
iN a NuTsHeLL
B
o
o
S
T
E
d

n
iS
S
a
n
£29,000
W
o
r
l
d

s
f
a
s
T
e
s
T

s
a
l
o
o
n
!
■EnginE
3.7ltr V6
■PowEr
326bhp
■0-62mph
5.4sec
■ToP SPEEd
155mph
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
ISSUE 148 FRONT 141
SK
IDS
N
EW
S
IN A NUTSHELL
Retro Retro
RIDE
CLAMP CHAMP
A driver was so pissed off after being
clamped that he staged a stubborn sit in.
After refusing to pay a £100 release fee,
the clampers covered his screen in tickets
totalling £3,800, but gave in after 30
hours and let him off scot free.
No. 6: BMW M3 E30
The original E30 M3 arrived in 1986
and was a big hit. Small,
lightweight and powered
by a four-cylinder lump,
the little Bimmer only
put out 200bhp, but it set
the standard for sweet
handling sports saloons.
A proper collectors’item
these days, the E30
is still the best M3 of
the lot.
MITSUBISHI
Evo 9 FQ300
These rally-bred racers
need no introduction,
but they’re so good you
really need to try one.
Sure they’re built out
of plastic, but nothing
will touch it on the road.
PRICE: From £11,000
PACKED CAR
Chinese motorist Xiou Ping reached
record levels of irresponsibility after
being caught with 11 passengers in his
tiny car. Ping, of Shanghai, had squeezed
his whole family into his 1987 Honda
Civic, the crazy tool.
£175,000
THREE MoRE RAPID RIDES
MINUS THE g-PoWER PRICE TAg
Flip-Flop doors and
almost 200mph – Jeebers.
T
U
N
E
D

M
E
R
C
!
BRABUS SLS
E
N
g
iN
E 2.3ltr 4-cylin
der
P
o
w
E
R
200bh
p
0
-6
2m
P
h
6.5sec
T
o
P
SP
E
E
D
150m
ph
P
R
iC
E
FrOm
£8,000
S
p
e
c
s
AUDI S8
The car that made De Niro
mess his Calvins in the
film Ronin, you can pick
up a 98 s8 for under £8k.
Fast, packed with luxuries
and well made, the S8 is a
fine choice. Just make sure
it doesn’t break – they cost
a mint to fix.
PRICE: From £7,000
JAgUAR XJR
A big old Jag may sound
like something your pervy-
faced uncle might drive,
but the XKR is a beast.
Packing a 380bhp V8, it
sounds ace, goes like the
clappers and is made for
doing big skids.
PRICE: From £4,000
ThE mEnTalIsT gull-wing
Merc SLS has only been out
five minutes, but the tuning
daddies at Brabus have
already monkeyed around
with it. Additions include
lightweight rims, carbon
fibre goodies and lowered
suspension. The supercharged
V8 remains, but then with
500bhp it wasn’t exactly short
on grunt in the first place…
■ENgiNE
6.2ltr
supercharged V8
■PowER
479bhp
■0-62mPh
4.2sec
■ToP SPEED
175mph
(
)
storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
indcsn.com
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
T
H
E
IN
DEPEN
DEN
T

M
A
G
FRONT is not owned by some evil
corporation, although sometimes we
wish it was because then we might have
toilet paper in our bogs. On the plus
side, it means we don’t have to listen to
people in suits telling us to put Mika
felching a disabled donkey on the
cover. We listen only to you,
our semi-deranged-yet-
genius readers.
N
O
F
A
K
E

B
O
O
B
S
That’s right, readers: all boobs
in FRON
T are as real as the air w
e
breathe. W
hether they’re part of
a lovely lady or hanging from
a
fat sw
eaty dude, they’re bona
fide genuine and w
ill not
explode at high altitude.
W
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A
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Y
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P
A
IN Your comments, letters, e-mails
and texts: we fucking love ’em all.
Whether it’s through the mag or on
the website, tell us what you want
to see in FRONT and we’ll pull out
our finger and get it done. We won’t even stop to wipe the
sweetcorn bits off first.
T
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O
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th N
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M
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T
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ANIFESTO
F
R
O
N
T
IS
N
O
T
A

L
A
D
S
’ M
A
G
Lads’ mags are, like, so 1994 – a
gentler time before global terrorism,
when you could leave a £50 note in
a pub and it would still be there a
week later (with interest). FRONT is
a mag for true legends, who when
staring death in the face shake
it by the hand and proclaim, “Gaylords say what?”
M
e
l
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i
s
a

C
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storemags & fantamag - magazines for all
the firm-but-fair page that
sorts the raging arsehoLes
from the minor wankers
now aCCepting internationaL
entrants Due to popuLar DemanD
the haLifaX Cunt
Enjoying-his-own-gash-not-worth-it-shit-too-much cunt.
CJ De mooi
Eggcunt.
eDwarD CuLLen
Spangly, sparkly, big-girls’-blouse vampire cunt.
ZaC efron
Eerily smooth-faced cunt.
robert pattinson
Isoceles-triangle-faced cunt.
matt aLLwright
Leather-wearing, consumer-rights cunt.
uri geLLer
Spoon-wrecking cunt.
mark ronson
Transatlantic, self-satisfied wanker cunt.
bono
Why-don’t-you-just-fuck-off cunt.
t
t
t
P
I
C
T
U
R
E
S
:

R
E
T
N
A
world’S BIGGEST
142 FRONT ISSUE 148
t
t
t
efron
How is Zac fucking Efron
not on The Cuntdown
already? For too long this
American pretty boy has
been assaulting our eyes
and ears with his shitty
movies, dodgy haircut
and cunty smirk.
I defy any man who
argues otherwise, and
furthermore anyone who
disagrees is also a CUNT.
Jaiden Barrett, Chepstow
Jaiden (nice name, weirdo),
you’ve phrased this argument
so concisely that we can’t help
but agree. efron’s a plastic-faced
wanker with no soul; a ken doll-
looking arse of a cunt. Cunt!
aLLwright
If anybody should be on
The Cuntdown, it’s that
smug, patronising,
thinks-he’s-better-
than-everyone, talks-
to-people-like-they’re-
infants, phantom cunt
Matt Allwright from
BBC’s Rogue Traders. He
is such a massive cunt, he
actually makes you feel sorry
for the ‘rogues’ he stings on
the show. I hope he and his
cunt bike fuck off to hell.
Complete and utter cunt.
The Danimal, via e-mail
matt’s alright,
Danimal (nice name,
weirdo) – it’s even in
his name. he’a bit
of a knob, certainly,
with this holier-
than-thou attitude
and slightly dickish
ways, but he’s on the
side of good, so we can’t
hold him up as being a cunt.
actually, fuck it, we can. Cunt!
Jones
I don’t think I really need to explain
why Steve Jones deserves to be on
The Cuntdown. On 101 Ways To
Leave A Cunting Show, why can’t
the fucking cunt just fucking get on
with it? He’s also stolen the name
of one of the best guitarists in the
world. Fuck him in his stupid ass.
Anon, via text
fine call, nameless texter, and is it
just us or are 96 or so of the ‘ways
to leave a gameshow’ absolutely
identical? there are only so many
times you can see someone slowly
fall into a swimming pool before
concluding someone’s short on
ideas. it’s a very poor man’s total
wipeout. and steve Jones is far
too fucking handsome, the cunt.
frY
Stephen Fry is a cunt of such
magnitude, always telling
people what they mean
to say and why they are
wrong for
saying what
they are. In
fact, calling
him a cunt
would be shit
because he’d explain
in his cunting way
why he wasn’t to
his millions of
twats following
him on Twitter.
Nail the cunt to
The Cuntdown!
Matt, via text
he’s on telly far too much,
and needs to shut the fuck
up about twitter, but we
still can’t quite bring
ourselves to declare
the nation’s fruitiest
uncle a cunt. he
was in blackadder,
for Christ’s sake.
haLifaX man
You want a cunt? That
fat, goateed cunt from
that cunting Halifax
advert who goes, “We
dont say ‘hi’, we say ‘high
five!’” and then plays
Spandau Ballet’s Gold.
What’s that got to do with
getting an extra fiver in
your account? In fact, what
good is an extra fiver these
days? You can’t even get a
round in with a fiver! Cunt!
Dan, via text
the man’s a dreadful cunt
alright, Dan, although a
fiver’ll still get you pissed
if you spend it on plastic-
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True PDF release: storemags & fantamag
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facebook.com/etnies.europe Chris & Dan Malloy, pro surfers & much more. etnies footwear
True PDF release: storemags & fantamag

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag

storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag .

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10 Pre-Order your Limited Edition Now medalofhonor.THIS IS THE face the enemy fears This is force multiplied. True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . the EA logo and Medal of Honor are trademarks of Electronic Arts Inc. Xbox. The “PS” Family logo is a registered trademark and “PS3” is a trademark of Sony Computer Entertainment Inc.10. Xbox 360. for A new breED OF WARFARE.com © 2010 Electronic Arts Inc. This is tier 1. RelEntLesS. EA. THIS is a new breed of warrior. Xbox LIVE. and the Xbox logos are trademarks of the Microsoft group of companies and are used under license from Microsoft. PrEcise. 15. All other trademarks are the property of their respective owners. Exacting. The DICE logo is a trademark of EA Digital Illusions CE AB. The PlayStation Network Logo is a service mark of Sony Computer Entertainment Inc.

or anything.storemags & fantamag . which should be more than enough to get you and your quivering gonads through the chilly Autumn nights. Not that Natalie has balls. it’s not just us who are affected: it’s a problem for sexy girls.COM/ MAG SHOW US THE FACEB OO LIKE AT FRONT K. That’s why we thought it essential that she donned a woolly hat for the cover. You can say a lot of things about FRONT – much of it bad and most of it true – but one thing we won’t hear is that we let our cover stars freeze their balls off. On the other hand. We love you all. isn’t it? And what’s more.magazines for all HAT’S AMAZING We lose 90 per cent of our body heat through the top of our heads. editor ITTER FRONT . even girls as perfect as this month’s cover star. should you own a pair or even just one. readers.COM/ MAG UPT THE . if you’re concerned about the plight of your own testicles. you understand.OUSELE-MINUTE SSNES S AT TW . too. Joe Barnes. Yep. It’s a terrifying thought. then jump right in to this issue of FRONT. There’s plenty of hot cockle-warming action going down over the next 146 pages. Natalie Blair.

jobling@frontarmy. Corp at 26 Power Dam Way Suite S1-S3. we arm-wrestled the bastards. or poorly recorded phone entries.com facebook. Why did this happen? Luckily. Subscriptions enquiries: e-mail front@webscribe. losing like little babies. designer Will Jack was flown to Los Angeles recently. NY 12901-0239 No part of this magazine may be reproduced. per household. ■ Responsibility cannot be accepted for delayed. Srv.uk 020 3141 9852 office phone: 020 3141 9840 2-4 Noel Street.co. ■ Postal entries should be submitted on a postcard: one postal entry per competition. self-addressed envelope.co. Silly boy. Middlesex UB7 7QX (01895-433800). If an SAE is sent with unsolicited material we will. and almost totalled the printer. damaged or illegible postal entries.40. Kate Stewart FRONT MEETS BRET HART For no reason anyone can really work out. but hey.uk. will be accepted. West Drayton.uk FRONT ISSN 1464-4053. Keaton Henson. All overseas dispatch is via airmail and includes p&p where applicable. Lo and behold.unless stated otherwise. Lee Vincent Grubb. ■ No cash alternatives available to prizes offered.associated production companies or organisations connected to the prize.uk. Pending Periodicals Postage paid at Plattsburgh.co. two of our favourite things ever. very badly. FRONT. is published monthly. ISSN 1464-4053. Short. ■ FRONT endeavours to issue prizes as shown. Published four-weekly. WORKIE DONE GOOD After making about 40 coffees in one morning and leaving us totally coffee’d out. she returned with this: boozy coffee. He did very. ■ In addition: ■ Postal entries accepted at address above. who sent us a bunch of pizz as when we were fucking hun gry. Europe £67. Soon afterwards we got horrendously drunk and questioned our manhood. While every effort is made to ensure suitability of contributions. ■ Winners picked at random from pool of entries. Kane Ltd will be pleased to make the correct acknowledgement. Von mediA deSiGner Mike ‘Sadface’ McCabe editoriAl ASSiStAnt Lexi Rose contributorS Zoe McConnell. Plattsburgh.uk.are organised by FRONT at the address above. We didn’t do so well. If you claim ownership of something Kane Ltd has published. WHAT GOT US THROUGH ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . FRONT competitions are not open to employees or family members of Kane Ltd. Plattsburgh. Tavistock Works. ■ Competitions open to UK residents only. Gifts and supplements are restricted to UK copies only. ■ Unless stated in copy. London. Christopher McLallen. this price includes IVA/VAT. In the event the shown prize is not available.uk No less than nine seconds after the workie brought booze into the office did we find sexy FRONT girl Mellisa trying to nick it. E-mail: front@frontarmy. We’d have been mad. W1F 8GB. We’re no fans of lateness here. endeavour to return it. however. stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form without prior written permission. SPINNY CHAIR FOR MIKE MELLISA CAUGHT RED HANDED THE eXecutive oFFicer. London.co. Ed Godden. if clearly marked for which competition and received before closing date printed.■ Competitions. Alex De Mora. All prices are correct at time of going to press.O box 2769. but a list of winners will be supplied to readers who send a stamped.co. and bumped into none other than wrestling legend Bret Hart. MANAGEMENT chieF the KAne corPorAtion Dominic McVey dm@frontarmy. Dan Wilton WorKie Scum Ben Breading. Registered at the Post Office as a magazine. crAcKle And SWAn Chris Sayer GAmeS editor Alex Sim-Wise SeXY columniStS Alex Sim-Wise. photographs and articles they have written. POSTMASTER: send address changes to Front c/o Express Mag. Davy Lewis (cars). Matt Skiff. Bartosz Ludwinski. so we punished funny-eared design whiz Mike’s lack of punctuality by making him down lots of booze and take on the spinny chair. 2-4 Noel Street. Any material sent to FRONT is done so on the understanding that Kane Ltd may reuse said material in any current or later printed or electronic form. but Kane Ltd cannot guarantee to publish such material. FRONT may not be sold at more than the recommended retail price shown on the cover. NY 12901. NY. Sometimes it is not possible to identify and contact the copyright holder. Kane Ltd accept no responsibility for the submitted materials herein. W1F 8GB Them bloody mentalists Trash Talk came into the office this month.THE TEAM THE PLAYERS editor Joe Barnes Art director Steve Beech ASSociAte editor Mike Rampton Picture editor Adam Gordon Production editor Sam Coare FunnY StuFF Joe Madden FAShion editor William Barnes dePutY Art director Will Jack entertAinment editor Si Cunningham Front online James ‘Stoney’ Brouard SnAP. and to celebrate. Jess Long.co. Rest of world £84. P. frontarmy. Andy Dawson. Tavistock Road. Joel Amat. Submissions should only be made if this is clearly understood and agreed. Alistair Lawrence. competition editorial makes up part of the competition’s rules. Kirstin Prisk. ROcK T FUEL E Cheers loads to the love ly lads and lasses behind the awesome Dead Rising 2. © 2010 Kane Ltd. nor return it. We occasionally use material we believe has been placed in the public domain. everyone involved has been sacked. Wuese Houston-Jibo. FRONT competition rules: In all cases. ADVERTISING AdvertiSinG mAnAGer TRASH TALK VS FRONT Stephen Jobling stephen. 13 times per year (twice in December) by Kane Publishing c/o USACAN Media Dist. Distributed by Comag Specialist. FRONT reserves the right to substitute the prize with an item of a similar value. Louie Banks. Basic Annual Rate: UK £49.Correspondence will not be entered into by the magazine about competitions. call 01442 879 097 or visit frontarmy. Becky Rule. Toni Knevitt (pictures). FRONT cannot be held responsible for unsolicited material. Hayley Forester. Readers are welcome to send letters.com/frontmag front@frontarmy. event ticket prizes do not include travel to or from event. we sent workie Kate off to get some beverages free from coffee. Kate is clearly destined for a life of alcoholism.

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apparently. sirs. advertising ‘FRON’ magazine. we hope you’re really pleased with yourself. Good bloody work. This issue has been produced entirely from the dirt-filled corner.” he said. who have their priorities properly sorted: booze. but it had been soaked with booze anyway. Well done. Steven. survived a ’Mare.TS EADERS AND MENTALIS MR RANTS AND RAVES FRO we salute Front readers who’ve done a good deed. In issue 146. FRONT and some fucking fire. cleverbollocks. pictured. via e-mail Well. Good work. FROM BOLTON Festivals for FRONT are a mess of body fluids. you berate a poor soul for wearing a ‘RONT’ T-shirt. you nit-picky bastard. or think they should get a high-Five For soMething trivial ? TiM & SiMON. It’s to the corner for you. “Sadly. shit food and tent pegs ending up in invasive places. I turned the page and noticed an ad for T-shirts in which the model was wearing the exact same shirt design. 10 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . ? ? Sh also ! TEE? shouldITgo you ybe GOT A STORy yOu wANT TO ShARE wITh uS? DROp uS AN E-MAIL AT ThE uSuAL ADDRESS h Ma stand in the corner and think about what you’ve done. we used the mag as fire fuel. Not so for Simon from Bolton and mate Tim.

there’s fuck all (in England and Wales anyway – Scotland and Ireland have ’em). featureless faces that work here. and versions of his lantern were placed outside people’s houses to keep him out. we would. FRONT. ToMMo. like most stories. You first introduced Jessica and I thought there was no way you could top that. That’s sick fast! Also. But haven’t you got better things to do over there than pat the postman on the back? Stuff like pillaging towns in your longboat. according to folklore.e. Heaven wouldn’t take him because he was such an arsehole. Yours insincerely.uk facebook. Ben. because nothing bad will come of that situation. asshole” in your Expendables review. He was cursed. “Hi. A: ISSUE 148 FRONT 11 piCTuRes: REX HOW IS THAT? .magazines for all LETTERS WIN PRIZES front@frontarmy. but in winter when you could really do with a few days off to stay in bed and wank a day away. like. I love you guys for mentioning Arnie’s way of saying “fuck you. and the first issue arrived just today – and I live in Sweden. stealing women and drinking out of cow horns? Amazing. He became known as Jack o’the Lantern. the summer) so bank employees could get a chance to smack a few balls. via e-MaiL You should see the state of us FRONT office dwellers. HOllY ROGER I’m wise to your game. Now you’ve only gone and bloody brought in the erection-givingly awesome Holly! At this rate. SWEDISH MESSAGE First of all. YOUR BURNING OUESTIONS ANSWERED YOU BIG DRIP Even though my flat roof is leaking. By the way. Ben ‘ChiCh’ RiChiChi. ever yabba-dabba-doo. in 1871. isn’t it? In the summer. and it all went from there. This is what staring at ladies does to you. some dude said that the weather lady off BBC Breakfast was fit. But you should start to get slightly worried when your cartoon fetish evolves to Fred Flintstone. Tommo. you know how to impress the ladies. DIRTY GRUNDIES Whom do I write to if I want to claim for a new pair of boxers? Your magazine always makes a mess in mine and I’m starting to run out. with a grumpy Irish bastard… Stingy Jack was a pissed-up farmer who. that’s Sian Lloyd. and Hell wouldn’t take him because the Devil thought he was a shit. When he died. though. I also love Alex Sim-Wise. DaLe Johns. it’s. then. via e-MaiL We’re stoked with the appreciation. Have you not seen Sian Williams? She makes it difficult to eat my cereal as my boner keeps nudging my breakfast bowl. via TexT Yeah. Sian Williams? Yeah. I started my subscription. nameless texter. Bank Holidays were pretty much invented by Sir John Lubbock. hang on. Wait. SOGGY SPEllS Back in issue 146. the wanker. a Liberal MP. Turns out I haven’t missed an issue for two years. two days ago. when you’re on holiday anyway. In the words of Will Smith. THEN? to wander the earth. Spaffing over him is something you should never. Dale.storemags & fantamag . I’m Dale and the inside of my pants is DISGUSTING. played tricks on everyone. He chose days that corresponded with these (in cricket season. BeDfoRD Christ. there’s tons of the buggers. anon. Swedish Max. IT’S NOT HAllOWEEN without a big load of veg being completely ruined by people fisting the insides out. i. we aren’t dealing with the fucking monumental mess that’s about to ruin your house. best off just leaving that leak in your roof. Why? It’s all to do with cricket.co. They’re like pieces of A4 paper with wigs. and I quite enjoy having a face. It starts. A: THERE ANY : WHY AREN’THOlIDAYS MORE BANK Q UNTIl CHRISTMAS? IT’S A PAIN IN the arse. RK. Anyone who’s been touched by the wonky twattiness of Lembit Opik is officially offlimits forever. Q: PUMPKINS ON HAllOWEEN – WHAT’S All THAT ABOUT. I’m reading all the FRONT mags I have. no. Thanks in advance. In America they preferred pumpkins.” RAMPANT RABBIT I just watched Who Framed Roger Rabbit and I got slightly turned on by Jessica Rabbit. RuisLip Not at all. chucking a flame in there and inevitably kicking the fuck out of it. Is it wrong I want to monk one out all over a cartoon character? Help. and had grown up in villages that regularly had cricket matches. RK. essex Ah. It definitely will not get any worse. Max. If you could forward this e-mail onto the likes of India Reynolds and especially Mellisa from the latest issue I’d be totally grateful. Carry on reading your mags. If there’s one thing guaranteed to get ’em going. with only an ember from the fires of Hell inside a hollowed-out turnip that he’d nicked.com/frontmag TXT 07717 605 946 The mouth from which this month’s finest jibbering is muttered will be quenched with a delicously brilliant case of Tuborg’s finest bubbles. she makes my liver quiver. in a year or so the girls will be so hot they’re going to melt my face. He was a cricket enthusiast and the president of the Institute Of Bankers. You’d be sickened by the grotesque.

doesn’t it? Have a nice day! MOUNTAIN MAG This is me with the September issue at the top of Mt. GRAHAM BENTLEY. Snowdon. so I thought I'd flick through it at the top. I'd bought it that morning to read in the car on the way but didn’t get to finish it. Cheers! NEXT MONTH. dick-face x PSYCHO STALKER WALL I thought I'd share my FRONT wall with you all. 12 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . boringly great x ■ A picture of you ■ A picture of you being an idiot-head ■ Your sexy art work ■ A picture of you cupping your genitalia ■ Anything else you think we might like to see (please not you cupping your genitalia) GET YOUR STUPID face in front Ses. Do you think that Holly’s face was created after randomly picking shapes out of a bag and smashing them into her head? You’re mental. What do you reckon? MARTYN BROWN. BIRKENHEAD Raoul Moat. though. DAVE EWING.d. sexily made by BrewDog. Could you tell it to us again? It was a great story. VIA E-MAIL FUCKING HELL. STOCKPORT Thanks for that super-interesting story. you could WIN: A tasty crate of FRONT BRew. shittingly. Harold Shipman and Graham Bentley. It’s a good thing that Holly’s boobs aren’t that wobbly. VIA E-MAIL Martyn Brown + no form of sight = this pile of turd.. Dave. Your name just kind of fits in there. and they all looked ten times better than the filth you’ve produced here. Charles Manson. n u HOLLY CHRIST! I drew this for you bunch of knob-rots to have a butcher’s at. SOUTHAMPTON Piss-poor weather resulted in several drowned. Craig. fucking. diseased rats in our local area. Good effort. Think of it as a shrine to everything awesome about your magazine. NUTTER? Too much free time + FRONT = this. Really.YOUR FACE AND ARTY WORKS IN THE MAG MORE TEA. CRAIG MCKEOWN. DAN WISDEN. because that is the first sign of a serious disease called WHATAWANKERMARTYNIS Syndrome. shall become the daily beverage of the top-crap-picture-giver. OH DEAR MONOCHROME MELLISA Piss-poor British weather resulted in me producing this picture.

magazines for all BRING ME THE HORIZON There is a Hell Believe Me I’ve Seen It. There Is A Heaven Let’s Keep It A Secret.VISIBLENOISE.COM FOR MERCH.storemags & fantamag . 04.10.10 CHECK WWW. POSTERS AND LIMITED ITEMS .

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Jamie Simmonds. courtesy of Sony Home Entertainment winn er 16 FRONT ISSUE 148 winn er N WOHIS LT AL E YOU HAV True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . for this inspirational effort. Henry Out in Puerto Banu Laing’s bud Erit got what he deserved: breakfast in bed. You can throw that ’80s football away now you’ve won some ace new prizes. yeah? Black Death is out now. Bog roll was included incase he shat himself shortly after.e 1998 riendships sinc destroying f winn er winn er HEAVY HOLIDAYs. SOFA SO GOOD Top work. “We took the sofa outside and grabbed some chicken wire to stop him escaping.” he says.

ead’s best h every piss Buchanan would be eil marker. IT’S TOO FUCKING EARLY. th proud. CehMs Elli here with In eorg G ent poor little e perman buggered friend. so we’re guessing they were shaved from the arse of a tramp. Good stuff TINSEL TWAT brought Ryan Skelly has festive waster Vib to our attention. ruining our eyes with some premature Christmas celebrations in Belfast.co. We t together age to pu d and e got bore would hav shit on the ed just chuck stead.storemags & fantamag . ck-head in little wre . N Game out 29 October through Warner Bros SEND YOUR MATES IN A STATE TO: front@frontarmy. gARDEN D Tave ta BASst hARken This mu ing ott a fuck Joel Philp . Snapper Kieron hasn’t specified whose short’n’curlies they are.com/frontmag ISSUE 148 FRONT 17 . YOU BASTARD. TH T MON NEX WIN A NINTENDO WII AND LORD Of THE RINgS: ARAgORN’S QUEST CKED as royally R itio AM TA riartins h AtradT nalTIAS style.uk MMS 07717 605 946 facebook. we get nervous. We’re off to tell children Santa doesn’t exist.magazines for all DRUNK IN PUBIC Every time pubes get involved with an entry.

BE . SHIT she’s QUINTU E alent of being ON That’s the equiv AZING. We do w ’em. Actually. fit-as-fu makes this breathe fire.AL NT FR ds BAn ls. p 47 nd A . rules. you cause. t many Arabellas You don’t mee eet many tattooYou also don’t m ck girls who can covered. gir s. as everyone Be ing to 200 per cent amaz have to be make up the n’t be special. off and all. CENT AM THOUSAND PER knows. which ck o-covered. We just follo AUTY. fit-as-fu girl – tatto ella – double fire-breather Arab she’s got her top special. so HOLY for an additional PLE SPECIAL. she’s go which qualify ch of space-hopper. kEs nEw of r jo oo Es pAg poor. so she’s da t a blow-up doll an Plus. triple special. glinEss U TrUTh & liEs BOOTS E’LL KNOCK YOUR FIT SH KY TEMPTRESS SO AN IN AB R True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . ea special.

se is. it w s o t e c to f the got bit Lucki re wa o he iger. c ess oss l the ey her A l b lA p r. bel nd A to o a tige s y a ArA mmA Arth en b ly.magazines for all ArAbel lA som etimes on roc h k full of s. in th x travel a y troupe of fit la e Sirens. singing An Angs Around d lurin sAilor s to co they sm me clo g ships Ash An ser u d every FALSE: S one dr ntil he owns. lls ski res he u es t reAt . so FAL ddamn e shoe k fuck. only blood no LA EL B PICTURES: LOUI E BANKS Arry now wAnt to m y you ff. however.storemags & fantamag . a fiery. round th dies wh e wo o fire. meet the lAd o ISSUE 148 FRONT 19 . scari ng men rld breathing being aw and generally esome. the eh? t SE: S . o th Than g on .

20 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag .

s th blo Abell tha in iss t with ile dru el ke A d t po ue 1 on n f lice 45).magazines for all FR NTAL Ar Ab ell Ah As TRU rec E: S en aro he tly Sah und was h ar ( a ho rec A ent rm oAd he as s tel mo een in t ly a r ust ppr f the coll he on ach es. h t’s S he jam ept f iren l Edw owev imon r so my or fa ard er. m hAs hugh he ellA r y at t ArAb dy-love t to a part also met lA wen here she and r : She TRUE ansion. d. form avid Ha D ISSUE 148 FRONT 21 .storemags & fantamag . by h h on. these dead ehen lAw Ar f d elt Ha o Ar ng page f nig ed w . An nAri toge et oc hefner. w rne Troye c li e m yboy y dwarf V us alcoho Pla rit rio celeb erly-hila sselhoff. th Cow ight the n shi l t… se wa ‘Black e namell. ellow kenly g FAL who rum ma nak tat mo SE: s too runn nw ed Tha its o nd wa as a exc ed S ing is A nt s. Ar on th Ame yb a ack beard e of n bella e X f of th Act e oto Dru in t ’ Te a r he mis ch’s g ious p mmon or. ts o irlfr irat d e f tim ien e.

sh . m i a : Th er from ’re an SE FAL e rapp d. You th e Hoo Th 22 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . if just e in t she be c norm mAke he w orld could malled M ous.ArA b mi ellA FAL cro m wou ld SE: Ac l the n. Lik Boyz N s sh ms. fil west t’s Ice Frida diot. A son Ack th nw e.” lose a be n she say s. And ton. y and an. ake a achin e um n ent ’d neve it wou ythin s g ld aga r in. N They’d hines ike t o o. w r lAte t dAm e. i n. e . com Cube. AJ i ’she um w to fAm b is o me er Al t her rected h i l nA ho e reA 9. A . n st A sb rit out wA ight ed. b soo A rAb orn en l t A t be. Ice Cu trA e’s Act nd he es ou yo. s And d m th ’s s A 6 ellA in 19 comp film um. her arg self. “I giant.

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we like to see how many fit down our ear holes.od folth fi GettinG creative with food is something that FRONT does bloody well. When we find a packet of Smarties. with some proper nice naked ladies. The man’s a genius. When alphabet spaghetti is half price at the shop. The US snapper’s new book. And those peanuts you get at fancy bars? Guessing how many pissy fingers have touched them should be a national sport. T&T&A. the prick. we can’t wait to get it home and see how many times we can spell things like ‘bum-job’ and ‘titcake’ with the letters. But bum-clenchingly good photographer Tony Stamolis has taken our little activity to a whole new fucking level. or at least Tony Blair’s autobiography. Go order the book right this minute from tandtanda. tacos. we had a chat with Tony about the book that should definitely outsell the Bible.com 24 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . pairs the manliest of man foods. Although we’re thoroughly jealous of the bugger for coming up with such a rad idea.

now. tony. but we’re so excited we’ve had to change our pants four times since starting to type this sentence. Who Would they be? I’d have Oprah Winfrey up against some mushroom soup. When: Sa of this h turday 18 Decem parties ere year. Don’t be stealing my idea. Santa’s s Gruber. happy birthday. udents. Rolo r Tomassi are Christ . We knoW a dude that noW can’t look at a taco Without thinking of boobs. Well. Drunk bu t be there And if you : si Bandits. then op frumpy wife. H The University atfield. sellings.magazines for all FR NTAL F U NT IM ES FRONT X ENTER SHIKARI What are you doing for your end-of-year party this year? Cos on Saturday 18 December. and the main one from Glee would go well with gallons of melted butter. buyings. Ready? Well. ISSUE 148 FRONT 25 . the follow-up to 1996’s bloody awesome foulmouthed FPS Duke Nukem 3-D is finally coming out. GAM E S Put a bucket on your head right now. any more Plans to Pair naked ladies With foods? Nudes with Slush Puppies would make a brilliant book. What: The FR ONT/ Shikari Ch ristmas Enter Christmas Party. Han le. but it’s finally happening. t Tony S sum uP What t&t&a is. Whether it lives up to 14 years of anticipation remains to be seen. bankruptings and more broken promises than a nation of divorcees. ets: Who . care to aPologise? No way! My mission has been accomplished. ber Where : literally don’t Herts.storemags & fantamag . mass firings. but they’re worth nothing without fresh tortillas. There’s been lawsuits. but FRONT will be hosting the official THE CRIMBO PARTY TO END ALL PARTIES afterparty until four in the frigging morning with DJ sets and boozing galore. so you can catch the bits when your mind gets blown by some news. you can at least tell him hoW to make a Worldbeating taco… He’s going to need all the main ingredients. we’re teaming up with Enter Shikari and throwing the best Xmas bash your festive nuts will ever see – and you’re all invited! Not only will the mighty ’Shikari be putting on a full show with support from Rolo Tomassi and Young Guns. in 2011. bro! DUKE NUKEM FOREVER ACTUALLY HAPPENING hello.ll unless you Shikari. nta. Sa himself. se drunk st xy FRONT Girls. nessmen. be there: En Young G te uns. if you could choose three lady celebs to Pair uP With food. of get as bloody tickets entershi and more de kari.com good as this. Who Won. It’s all about a man’s primal needs and the most important things in life: food and boobs. Without using er the Words snapp Dirty amolis tacos or tits. Lady Gaga with Soylent Green [a food made from people in an ace sci-fi flick with Charlton Heston]. salad and sauces. like meat. the W et smelly pe are.

and owna Pee Go to a medical supply or buy hell it’s doing in the fridge. There’s also the weird-but-probably-great choice of Andrew Lincoln (of Teachers and This Life fame) to play the main character. ALMOST DEFFO) The lady still best known for getting it all out in Trainspotting is in Boardwalk Empire.FR NTAL AMAZING PARTY PRANKS USING FOOD ! T ELLY Andrew W. Now have fun putting these socks anywhere that people will smell. In all probability it’ll propel Lincoln to massive stardom. which is pretty Big Boy Shit. Once you have the right consistency. and a pair of old white cotton socks. looks like the BESTEST FUCKING THING EVER. scrape and grab our food. In a big bowl. really bad foot odour smells a lot like strong cheese – Limburger cheese. “Oh. and Idris ‘Stringer Bell’ Elba’s from Hackney in East London. face and clothing. their lives will be changed. The worsT smelling 3you mayof all Time socks As be aware. pour the mixture into a small plastic baggy with a zip-sealed top. They look like small plastic shot glasses. get your hands on one of these and fill it with one part apple juice. Once the container is filled up. Sheriff Rick Grimes. and by all accounts they’ve adapted it really faithfully. directing it and adapting it. But regardless. and then hunt until they find the source of it. a man so posh he hangs out with Stephen Fry and doesn’t seem out of place. and some cocoa powder. 26 FRONT ISSUE 148 radical changes in lifes a dramatic tyle and increase in partying . so that’s just marvellous.000 for every episode of modern-day-DiagnosisMurder House. AmAzing ongoing survivors-of-a-zombie-basedapocalypse comic The Walking Dead has been turned into a TV series that. He’s always seemed like a lovely chap (even when you saw his hairy arsehole and the back of his ball-sack on Teachers). some corn syrup. the more disgusting and dirty it becomes. Limburger cheese IS ACTUALLY MADE WITH THE SAME KIND OF BACTERIA THAT CAUSES HUMAN BODY ODOUR! That’s really true – you can look it up! So get at least a pound of Limburger cheese. You will blow minds. wipe. squeeze. to be exact! In fact. Mash and grind the cheese deep into the cotton fibres. Then put it in the fridge. KELLY MCDONALD (SOONISH. and watch your friends run away. Put a big chunk of cheese in each sock. I definitely recommend PARTYING with your food – and here are three time-tested party tricks you can play with ordinary household food and drink… Trick Diarrhoea 1freakisout your friends. mix the ingredients and add water or flour to thicken or thin the false diarrhoea to your preference.K . HUGH FUCKIN’ LAURIE Hugh Laurie. Anyway. This an excellent way to and all it takes is some oil. People will discover the smell first. A sheriff who missed the apocalypse due to being in a coma has to deal with all the shit that comes with leading a rag-tag band of survivors. Then remove the cheese and make sure there aren’t any visible chunks remaining. a new HBO show starting over here in January that’s wicked as shit. urine sample container. that’s the pee I saved for the doctor!” You then suddenly grab it and guzzle the entire bottle. True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . but a bit bigger and with a blue or white screw-on lid. no! I have to use the bathroom! I’m going to shit myself!” Race somewhere out of sight like your life depends on it. crap and dead skin. write your name on it and scrawl some fake doctor’s name along with the words ‘Urine Sample’. The comic’s seriously bad-ass. Find a time when you’re walking around with your mates and suddenly scream to them. and there’s a good reason for that. earns a whopping great £225. Drink Your 2pharmacy. Frank Darabont of Shawshank Redemption fame is overseeing it. Our hands are filthy and covered in oil. Then stumble out of hiding covered in shit. You’ve probably used them before at the doctor’s office.'s THE WALKING DEAD ( ) We’ve often been told not to play with our food. Dominic ‘McNulty’ West is from Sheffield. bacteria. take out your secret bag of fake diarrhoea and put it all over your hands. The more we touch. Wait until your friends or family see it and WARNIN ask you G Following above may the advice what the lead to OTHER BRITS WHO OWN AMERICAN TELLY THE DUDES FROM THE WIRE Despite speaking in thick Baltimore accents. and forgive us for seeming overexcited here. You tell them. When you’re hidden. so its oils are absorbed. “Oh. two parts water and one part lemonade. When they actually discover the socks.

com www.magazines for all fuelled by the fever tour plus very special guests + monday 6 december birmingham nia 0844 338 8000 wednesday 8 december manchester men arena 0844 847 8000 thursday 9 december glasgow secc arena 08444 999 990 saturday 11 december cardiff cia arena 029 2022 4488 sunday 12 december london wembley arena 0844 815 0815 buy online at livenation.co.com new album ‘fever’ out now www. DF CONCERTS & the agency group presentation in association with .bulletformyvalentine.storemags & fantamag .com/bulletformyvalentine a live nation.myspace.uk / gigsinscotland.

Best Bit: When a girl with a gigantic inflatable penis penetrated the crowd. rancid armpit in your face. they become cagey. though. look cool. drink of choice: Cerveza. 28 FRONT ISSUE 148 PICTURES: KYLE ROSS True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . because all the chickens are dead from the heat. Let battle commence. drunken lunacy rating: 8 salty beers out of 10. relaxed dudes into a crowd-obliterating machine. To add to the suspicion.PENDULUM AND THE SWEATY PITS What: Pendulum’s last festival Worst Bit: The sweatiest mosh ou & t ab ou t show of the summer. In the time between FRONT leaving their dressing room and them exploding on stage. Pendulum. arms up. Where: Magaluf. ink out. that something has been stuck up Pendulum’s arses tonight. though. muttering something about “metaphors” and “deckchairs”. when we bring up the subject of UFOs. It’s serIously fuckIng hot. intent on aurally pulverizing the Magaluf crowd. sweatier and more pungent than a wrestler’s nutsack – not to mention crammed in even tighter. Who dere: Spanish locals and beered-up Brits abroad. on the other hand. Mallorca. there isn’t a bead of sweat on pit known to man (and the terrified three-legged stray dog at the back). And still Pendulum don’t break a sweat. the look: Tops off. Could Pendulum possibly be… Surely not? The rise in anal probing in Magaluf that weekend must purely be a coincidence… We can say for certain. the band have transformed from quiet. The punters. You couldn’t even cook an egg on a car bonnet. Something isn’t right. Spookily. are hotter. despite being clad in leather jackets while the thermometer pushes 35 degrees. them.

really. it’s been a pretty mad year for pendulum. to be honest. are news theme. and it got played you at all bothered? everywhere. but I’m looking forward done something wrong. despite all the success. didn’t you? We don’t. We did. This is always after the gig. them at weekends and then you but it’s just us trying to do better have a week of fuck-all. hoW’s it feel to be standing around saying. If you’re summer.magazines for all FR NTAL on tWitter you predicted your ibiza and mallorca gigs Would be an “epic mess”. sorry. have been voted you don’t get a chance to think one of their bands of the about it. you are you as big in your home still often get bad press country. Reading about music is like… B RO G: …dancing about politics. bottles of tequila. After the show we can get lost up a tree. even Without any trees: you had a number one Q&A: I never read a magazine to find out about a band. That’s where I draw the line. mind. to getting back on tour. our R: I don’t really understand the profile’s gone through the roof. no. relevance of the music press. probably much to the nme’s a big old dream? G: The pace of things is so fast dislike. australia. sold out GARETH yourself just incase it’s all Wembley and. than the last time. as you [the nme said they Were are in the uk? “crap on record”. and the R: It’s picked up recently. possibly two. You thought we had an interesting story there. The R: People think we’re not festival season is weird – you do appreciative of what we’ve got. d’you have to keep repeatedly pinching album. so. “I’m pendulum right noW? fucking massive. Since that. We guardian labelled them did a remix of a TV station’s “boring” and “dumb”]. then I crawl into bed. noW that you’re gigantic. ISSUE 148 FRONT 29 . you once got lost up a tree? Rob: Er. What makes an epic mess in pendulum’s eyes? Gareth: One and half.” then you’ve R: Good. so tell us.storemags & fantamag .

and Red Bull… R: And unnamable. but not that type. I’m not usually a fan of that style of indie. R: It’s always one thing that gets you big somewhere – it’s never a sustained campaign. JOHN LYDON PAN PIPES BAND BAG PIPES G: Too Peruvian. wHAT’S BEEN ROCkING YOUR TITS THIS SUMMER? R: It’s good to hear that Atari Teenage Riot are back. R: Nah. so I’m not going to say anything. then.FR NTAL IT’S wEIRD THAT IT TOOk A BIT OF RETRO MEDDLING TO MAkE IT HAPPEN. whether it’s a show. THERE’S A LOT OF UFO IMAGERY GOING DOwN IN PENDULUM vIDEOS AND IN YOUR SLEEvE ART – DOES THIS REFLECT A PERSONAL EXPERIENCE AT THE HANDS OF EXTRATERRESTRIALS? R: We get asked that all the time – “So you guys believe in aliens. Have you seen the size of them? Fuck me. The band are on tour in the UK in December – grab a ticket at gigsandtours. I drank so much during In Silico that my organs stopped working. R: Jonathan Davis from Korn fucking ruined them.com WHO’d YOU WORK WITH? BRITNEY SPEARS & MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE PENDULUM HAVE TEAMED UP WITH SOME SHIT-HOT ARTISTS OVER THE YEARS. or a remix of a TV theme. Immersion. You can’t use bagpipes in anything any more. G: Definitely. too relaxing. 30 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . R: I’d definitely work with someone who you shouldn’t touch with a ten-foot bargepole – Glitter would fucking smash it. My Chemical Romance. The Count & Sinden album is fucking good.” They’re mostly just metaphors. they’re fucking mammoth. G: C’mon. G: Was that when you got the collapsed lung? R: Everything happened… APART FROM CAFFEINE AND THE PHARMACEUTICALS. we didn’t stop and chat. HAvE YOU EvER OvERDOSED ON ENERGY DRINkS? R: Oh yeah. There’s no good rock bands. It’s one thing. give me a call. More the way Atari Teenage Riot did it – just fucking aggressive. Britney Spears… Bring them on. a big weekend. Gary. We can’t say any more. anyway. Gareth: Who? Just kidding. we were just on our way out… G: Er. Pendulum’s sexy long player. BUT WHO WOULD AND WOULDN’T THEY WORK WITH? Rob: I love to work with failed artists whose careers have gone downhill. G: I might have seen one in Ibiza. No. it’d be hilarious! R: We want to do punk. And Everything Everything – I’d recommend them. THE MUSIC SCENE IS PRETTY wEIRD AT THE MOMENT. G: Dave Lombardo could take us all on with one arm. G: Digital hardcore. wHAT’S YOUR TOUR STIMULANT OF CHOICE? G: Coffee. I think we accidentally blanked him. G: Is he even Scottish? AXL ROSE G: If he turned up on time… Ben: I’d work with him just to hurl abuse. but there’s fuck-all otherwise. do you?” and I have to say. in a Britney Spears fashion – someone who’s royally fucked it. Soundgarden are back. “No. GARY GLITTER JUSTIN BIEBER R: [Both Rob and Gareth go strangely silent] We’ve got something along those lines planned anyway. it’d be too funny. R: They could beat the shit out of us. wHAT THE FUCk HAPPENED TO INDIE? IT’S ABOUT AS FASHIONABLE AS SHITSTAINED GRUNDIES. I love that kind of shit. THOUGH… G: We came across DJ Lethal in Japan. but it could have just been a deckchair in the pool… HMMM… SO. is out now on Warner. LIMP BIzkIT ARE BACk ON THE ROAD. but it’s quite different. possibly discontinued pharmaceuticals. SLAYER ROLF HARRIS R: Nah.

com A LIVE NATION PRESENTATION BY ARRANGEMENT WITH XRAY TOURING _rv=lkifkb=^q=ifsbk^qflkK`lKrh=L=dfdp^kaqlropK`lj OQeo=``=elqifkbW=MUQQ=UNN=MMRN .within-temptation.storemags & fantamag .UK /TRIPLEGMUSIC.CO.NET PLUS SPECIAL GUESTS WEDNESDAY 30 MARCH 2011 LONDON O2 ACADEMY BRIXTON please note Venue Change Due To Phenomenal Demand ORIGINAL TICKETS REMAIN VALID ab`bj_bo T _fojfkde^j=kf^=^obk^ U ilkalk=tbj_ibv=^obk^ V mivjlrqe=m^sfiflkp NN di^pdlt=pb`` NO j^k`ebpqbo=`bkqo^i NP klqqfkde^j=^obk^ allop=lmbk=SmjK=cfopq=_^ka=lk=pq^db=SKQMmj tttKol`hpq^oq^pqblc`e^lpK`lj ^=ifsb=k^qflkI=jbqolmlifp=jrpf`=C=ac=`lk`boqp=mobpbkq^qflk _v=^oo^kdbjbkq=tfqe=`^^ MUQQ=PPU=UMMM MUQQ=UNR=MUNR MUQR=NQS=NQSM MUQQQ=VVV=VVM MNSN=UPQ=OTMM MUQQQ=NOQ=SOQ 0844 477 2000 BUY ONLINE AT LIVENATION.CO.COM THE NEW ALBUM ‘DIAMOND EYES’ OUT NOW DEFTONES.magazines for all A LIVE NATION PRESENTATION IN ASSOCIATION WITH ITB PLUS VERY SPECIAL GUESTS NOVEMBER 2010 FRI 12 GLASGOW O2 ACADEMY 0871 230 7131 0844 477 2000 SAT 13 LEEDS O2 ACADEMY SUN 14 MANCHESTER O2 APOLLO MON 15 SOUTHAMPTON GUILDHALL SOLD OUT WED 17 LONDON O2 ACADEMY BRIXTON 0844 477 2000 023 8063 2601 EXTRA DATE ADDED DUE TO PHENOMENAL DEMAND 0844 477 2000 08713 100 000 0844 477 2000 THU 18 LONDON O2 ACADEMY BRIXTON FRI 19 NOTTINGHAM ROCK CITY SAT 20 BIRMINGHAM O2 ACADEMY BUY ONLINE AT LIVENATION.UK www.COM VELVETHAMMER.

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GET CALL OF DUTY FOR FREE! ( )
SORT OF
£FUCK
ALL

THE NEW C.O.D. GAME COMES OUT ON 9 NOVEMBER, BUT WHAT IF YOU DON’T HAVE 50 QUID TO SPARE? HERE ARE FRONT’S TOP MONEY-SAVING TIPS…

1

GROW A BEARD

Shaving’s expensive. Razors, blades and shaving gel add the hell up, and electric shaver batteries need constantly replacing. Being clean-shaven costs as much as having a litigious ex-wife. The solution? Beards are cheap, stress-free, and women love ’em. DITCH YOUR LOCKS Confusingly, having headhair is also pricey, what with shampoo, conditioner, gels, waxes, mousses, clays and shit. The answer is to get nits, causing a nurse to shave all your hair off for FREE.

4 5 6

TAKE MEAT OUT DRINKING When you show up to the pub with a strangesmelling bum-bag you might get some funny looks, but later, when everyone else is spending loads on kebabs, you get the last laugh when you produce a bag of ham you brought from home.

FREE FOOD FROM LITTLE OLD LADIES Little old ladies always carry boiled sweets in their bags, and enjoy nothing more than doling them out to youngsters. Hang around near an old person and loudly (very loudly, they’re deaf) complain that your ears are popping, and hey presto, free dinner.

7

8

2

LIVE IN DARKNESS If you think about it, do you have to have lights on when you do things? Shitting in the dark is weirdly satisfying, pitch-black washing is like being in a posh sensory-deprivation tank, and no-lights eating makes you appreciate the food more. Probably. STEAL BOG ROLL Next time you’re at work, in school, in a hospital or anywhere, go for a poo and steal a bog roll. Before you know it, you’ll have a houseful and never need to pay for bog roll again. Alternatively, only poo when you’re about to have a shower anyway.

STEAL THINGS Most leisure activities require some sort of expenditure, but theft is one of the most popular hobbies in Britain today, and costs nothing at all. Plus, it’s very, very cool and makes women fancy you.

9

3

DON’T EVER CHANGE Washing machines hike your bills up and need washing powder, and launderettes pretty much eat cash. Why not try just not changing clothes for a month? Unless you go around pissing all over yourself, how bad will things really get?
32 FRONT ISSUE 148

EAT THINGS FOR MONEY A pubful of people will easily cough up £20 between them for you to eat a jar of mustard, and after you’ve done it you’ll feel too ill to spend any money on booze.

10

SELL YOUR BODY By ‘your body’, what we mean is ‘your brother’s body’. What we’re saying is, charge people money to fuck your little brother. These video games won’t just pay for themselves.

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U.S. COMEDY INSTITUTION SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE CELEBRATES 35 YEARS THIS MONTH – BUT WHICH OF THE HOLLYWOOD MOVIES IT’S SPAWNED IS THE LOL-IEST?

IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE... AT THE MOVIES!
THE BLUES BROTHERS and John The laugh-heavy duo of Dan Aykroyd
Belushi worked together on the first four seasons of SNL, releasing a Blues Brothers album in 1980 before Belushi’s death in 1982.

WAYNE’S WORLD The Mike Myers and Dana Carvey double act came
together on SNL in 1989. Their creation of loveable fools Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar for the Wayne’s World sketch was one of the show’s mostloved bits until 1993,when Carvey left to go and do, er, not a lot…

THE SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE SKETCH
‘Joilet’ Jake Blues (Belushi) and Elwood Blues (Aykroyd) made their first appearance on SNL in 1978, regularly cropping up with musical numbers alongside members of the show’s house band. Our heroes dodge police, Nazis and bazooka attacks as they set out to raise enough money to save the orphanage they grew up in from destruction. High school students Wayne and Garth laugh at their teachers and gawp at the school’s “babes” on their own local TV show. Their performance with Aerosmith, featuring Tom Hanks as a roadie, was voted the most memorable SNL moment ever.

THE FILM
Slackers Wayne and Garth laugh at locals and gawp at celebrity “babes” on their own local TV shot, only for trouble to arrive in the shape of bigbucks producer Benjamin (actor Rob Lowe).

THE CELEBRITY CAMEOS

arETHa FraNKliN Big-lunged singer

sTEVEN sPiElbErg Beardy director

JaMEs brOWN Gravel-voiced dead man

aliCE COOPEr King shock rocker

MEaT lOaF Portly show rocker

sTaN MiKiTa Ice hockey legend

THE SEQUEL
BLUES BROTHERS 2000 Dan Aykroyd returns as Elwood in one final fling for his old band, as they tussle with BB King at a Battle Of The Bands contest. The film was later voted number 4 in US mag Entertainment Weekly’s list of the worst sequels ever. WAYNE’S WORLD 2 Wayne’s weird dreams convince him to put on his own festival. The infamous roadie speech about Ozzy demanding a glass of brown M&Ms stems from real-life accounts that Van Halen would demand a similar rider to test a venue’s attention to detail.

GET THE LOOK

PICTURES: AQUARIUS COLLECTION

suiT

Trilby

Fags

glassEs

MullET

TruCKEr CaP

WINNER

It might be a bit of a one-trick pony in the gags department, but Wayne and Garth ruled the cinemas as much as they did people’s tellyboxes. For giving us “Asphinctersayswhat?”, “Schwing!” and a shopkeeper beaten to death with his own shoe, Wayne’s World: we’re not worthy!

34 FRONT ISSUE 148

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag

UK WWW WW.co.M Y PA COM/DEV ILDRIVER .CO.CO. O.CO WWW.IDIOMUK. TRIPLE G MUSIC & DHP GROUP presentation BY ARRANGEMENT with e.MYSPACE.COM/JOBFORACOWBOY NOVEMBER BUY ONLINE AT LIVENATION.storemags & fantamag .E WITH TKO AN TH N WITH TKO AND WW W LUVE IN ASSOCIATION ION IN ASSOCIATIO A LIVE NATION & DF CONCERTS PRESENTATION IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE AGENCY GROUP plus special guests + october 27 28 29 30 01 02 03 04 05 november southampton uni garden court birmingham o2 academy2 glasgow garage manchester club academy nottingham rescue rooms bristol o2 academy norwich waterfront brighton concorde 2 london electric ballroom buy online at livenation.U AT LIVE BUY ONLINE COM/36CRAZY FISTS S CE. CH .C ESENTAT N PRESENTATION A LIVE NATION PR A LIVE NATIO P OUP WWW E AGENCY GROU D THE AGENCY GR ITIE.MYSPACE.g.o 0871 230 5595 0844 477 2000 0870 169 0100 0161 832 1111 08713 100 000 0844 477 2000 01603 508 050 01273 673 311 0207 485 9006 .UK 08444 999 990 0114 276 0262 0161 832 1111 0844 847 2258 01603 508 050 0870 320 7000 00 0844 47 7 20 NOVEMBER ACADEMY 00 0844 477 20 ASTLE O2 05 NEWC Y 0 O ACADEM 0844 4 999 99 06 LEEDS 2 ARCHES 000 OW THE 08713 100 07 GLASG 320 7000 AM ROCK CITY GH HALL 0870 08 NOTTIN 00 TON WULFRUN 0844 477 20 ERHAMP 09 WOLV ACADEMY 00 EMOUTH O2 0844 477 20 10 BOURN ADEMY 2405 0844 847 L O2 AC 12 BRISTO 11 HMV FORUM N 0161 832 11 13 LONDO ACADEMY TER K 14 MANCHES VENATION.magazines for all + L GUESTS PLUS SPECIA 4 GLASGOW GARAGE 5 SHEFFIELD CORPORATION 6 MANCHESTER ACADEMY 2 7 LONDON KOKO 9 NORWICH WATERFRONT 10 WOLVERHAMPTON WULFRUN HALL WWW.uk ‘option paralysis’ out now a live nation.

7.uk 36 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag GRUB ILLO: DISTANTGEESE. 23: THE PEASANT’S WEDDING CAKE Gather BISCUITS of various sizes – from the largeness of a Wagon Wheel to the tininess of a solitary Jazzie.75 units 2/ 5 “It looks like jism on soil.16 it 43p/un Vinci liquoRe blAck sAmbucA 70cl. Continue this until they’re all done. 12. Thanks to thedrinkshop. 3 4 Dress your TEDDY up in a lady’s dress and have a wedding.co. and wodge the nextbiggest onto it. 70% abv. Bonus points if you make it through the whole ceremony without crying or committing self-harm.76p/unit 3/ 5 NO.5% abv. 40% abv.50 38p/unit 70cl. Or a crème caramel” RATING: Great-looking and fun to drink. via as many steps in between. 28 units 4/ 5 £10.FR NTAL WASTED TASTE TEST: GOTH BOOZE CLASSINESS Rodnik’s Absinthe blAck 70cl. 2 Sprinkle the whole multi-tiered sculpture with ICING SUGAR until it looks like a wedding cake (note: this may never happen). but smells like neither.6 units 3/ 5 bV lAnd cRème de cAfé £7.90 63p/unit 50cl. 49 units I DRIN F YOU K DAR DRINKRESPCAN’T ON KN E SS EUNTIL SIBLY. 18% abv. but holy hellfire that’s expensive sheRidAn’s coffee lAyeRed liqueuR £13.COM HAND ILLO: MATT SKIFF .66 1. BUT HOW PISSED DOES IT GET YOU? MONSTER TO KISS WHILE DRUNK FUN FACT TASTING / RATING WINN ER £21. MBR TH E ACE S YO U IT’S BLACKER THAN NIGHT. 15. or Baileys that’s been hit by a van of sugar. It’s a bit like alcoholic condensed milk.com and ultimate-brands. FRONT GRUB 1 Place a small dollop of JAM in the centre of the biggest one.

TICKETMASTER.COM AN SJM CONCERTS & DF PRESENTATION BY ARRANGEMENT WITH WME & JHO MANAGEMENT %& !" #$ %& !" #$ .CO.storemags & fantamag .GIGSANDTOURS.magazines for all NOMINATED ‘BEST LIVE ACT’ Q AWARDS PLUS SPECIAL GUESTS DECEMBER 2010 WEDNESDAY 01 THURSDAY FRIDAY SATURDAY 02 03 04 GLASGOW BRAEHEAD ARENA BIRMINGHAM NIA WEMBLEY ARENA NOTTINGHAM TRENT FM ARENA 0844 499 9990 0844 338 8000 0844 815 0815 0844 412 4624 TUESDAY THURSDAY FRIDAY 07 09 10 WEDNESDAY 08 BOURNEMOUTH BIC MANCHESTER CENTRAL NEWCASTLE METRO RADIO ARENA ABERDEEN AECC 0844 576 3000 0844 847 1559 0844 493 6666 0844 499 9990 BUY ONLINE: WWW.PENDULUM.COM | WWW.UK | 24HR CC HOTLINES: 0844 811 0051 | 0844 826 2826 THE ALBUM ‘IMMERSION’ OUT NOW | WWW.

23. WE FORCE YOUNG HOPEFULS TO COMPLETE EVIL TASKS.. His giant replica was pretty chuffing impressive. but there was something a bit wrong about when he stripped off and got his hairy arse inside it... but we interpreted that as ‘it’s the only one that will allow me to wear pink knickers and a sash’. There was always stuff floating in it. though. weakesT momenT: We saw far too much of Adam’s balls when he donned a pair of knickers. eh? Adam picks his favourite from the all-brilliant selection. NO jOB FOr yOU. ADAm! IT’S FUCKING ALIve! BUT STILL. Last year’s ‘Back To Uni with Lauren’ was chosen because Adam said “I like the artiness of it”. And so it was over to spritely Adam to pick his favourite cover and bring it to life.. to be honest.co. COPyCAT! wanna Be a workie? Then geT in Touch To feel The love front@frontarmy. he took to the streets like a pro and even got a few phone numbers off burly builders. Hang Left: the ins VERDICT: PASS PICTURES: TONI KNEVITT IT’S ALIve. but without the sinister and sadistic undertones.. piration.. but where’s the challenge in that.uk TXT 07717 605 946 prehend Locals try to com dressed ’s quite why Adam al dickhead like a transexu 38 FRONT ISSUE 148 t to doomed attemp Adam makes a ie’s shelf on the local news replace Holly True PDF release: storemags & fantamag .and gets graf impersonation. The challenge: We thought it would be cool if one of our previous covers came to life – sort of like a sexy version of Walt Disney’s Fantasia. Still. ting quick-sharp .. Of course.. Tea-making skills: Pretty weird. we could have just asked Lauren to pop round the office for a cuppa. from Southampton. even during Ashlee Simpson.FR NTAL Am AD CHALLENGE RE-CREATE YOUR FAVOURITE FRONT COVER! The workie: Adam Guest.. if we wanted to see it properly come to life. Above: Adam’s on. iPod challenge: We didn’t hear any complaints. THIS MONTH.

” .KERRANG! “A MASSIVE SLAB OF WIDE SCREEN ROCK & THE SOUND OF KING KONG AMBITION.magazines for all SJM CONCERTS.COM ALL SHOWS 14+ *EXCEPT PRESTON 16+ NEW ALBUM ‘ALL OUR KINGS ARE DEAD’ OUT NOW NEW SINGLE ‘WEIGHT OF THE WORLD’ OUT 01 NOVEMBER KKKK .SEETICKETS.COM | 24 HR CC HOTLINE 0844 811 0051 MYSPACE.COM/YOUNGGUNSUK TWITTER.KERRANG! | 8/10 .storemags & fantamag . YOUNG GUNS HAVE PASSED WITH DISTINCTION.” .COM/YOUNGGUNS • FACEBOOK. DF CONCERTS AND FRIENDS BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE AGENCY GROUP PRESENTS ALL OUR KINGS ARE DEAD 2010 TOUR PLUS ALL DATES EXCEPT NOV 16-17 GLOUCESTER GUILDHALL 01452 503 050 STOKE ON TRENT SUGARMILL 01159 454 593 TUESDAY NOV 16 CARLISLE BRICKYARD GLASGOW GARAGE WEDNESDAY DEC 01 0141 332 1120 SUNDAY NOV 28 0161 832 1111 WEDNESDAY NOV 17 TUESDAY NOV30 TUESDAY NOV 23 LEEDS COCKPIT 0113 245 4650 0844 248 5037 PRESTON 53 DEGREES THURSDAY DEC 02 01772 893000 BIRMINGHAM HMV INSTITUTE NORWICH ARTS CENTRE 01603 660 352 WEDNESDAY NOV 24 MANCHESTER ACADEMY 2 0161 832 1111 LONDON ELECTRIC BALLROOM 0207 403 3331 FRIDAY DEC 03 THURSDAY NOV 25 Photo: Anna Gudaniec YORK FIBBERS 0161 832 1111 FRIDAY NOV 26 BRIGHTON CONCORDE 2 01273 673 311 CARDIFF MILLENNIUM MUSIC HALL 02920340737 SUNDAY DEC 05 SATURDAY DEC 04 NEWCASTLE O2 ACADEMY2 0844 477 2000 SATURDAY NOV 27 BUY ONLINE AT: WWW.ROCKSOUND | ★★★★★ BIG CHEESE | ★★★★ FRONT “ON THE FIRST TRUE TEST OF THEIR METTLE.COM/YOUNGGUNSUK • PIASRECORDINGS.ZANE LOWE .

‘The Todd’ from Scrubs. a ‘braocade’. from epicfireworks. around about 1928. And fireworks are sodding brilliant. with half ’sploding and half a-cracklin’.uk Lasts: 28 seconds WHat is it? It boasts of bringing “a touch of class” to any display. X-Philes. from galaxy-fireworks.” 40 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . a scared cat saYs: “I used to be owned by a Mr Thrust. ideaL for: Trekkies. and got the lovely Jessica Calvesbert in.” SPARKLING SERENADE Price: £99. a scared cat saYs: “The lion is the king of the jungle.com Lasts: It depends… WHat is it? Twentyfive bad-ass rockets that can either fire all at once or one at a time. so this should be right up my alley OH SHIT FUCK SHIT MIAOW SHIT. PLAYING WITH FIRE IS FUN DR THRUST Price: £5. well. from epicfireworks.com Lasts: 20 seconds WHat is it? A sparkling golden rainstorm. sometimes it’s just time for someone to die. from epicfireworks. from blackcatfireworks. He did… things. For a few short weeks. He was… He wasn’t nice. If that isn’t the true mark of a free country (it isn’t). Prancing about with lit sparklers in the same room as a load of unlit fireworks is clearly a terrible idea. Trekkers. such as crossdressing cage fighters or really poofy-looking wrestlers.95.98. luckily. ideaL for: Slightly effeminatelooking men who nonetheless pack a mean punch. Fireworks were invented a short time later when someone tried to dispose of loads of suspiciouslooking powder by chucking it in a bonfire. a scared cat saYs: “When will this agony end? I’m so scared I got confused and ate my own shit about three bangs in. they’re ace. the cast of any film entitled Naughty Nurses or similar. and it all blew up and he looked like Daffy Duck after he gets shot. ideaL for: Aristocratic types who have no chins.FR NTAL EXPLOSIVES AND A SEXY GIRL – ASSUMING NOTHING GOES WRONG. and lions are a sort of cat. ideaL for: Perfectionists who are never quite sure they’ve done something well enough and are willing to try it 25 times. For all the warnings about losing eyes/fingers/lives. in Dundee. which cats can’t normally do. I started crying three seconds in. then we don’t know what we’re talking about (we really don’t). nothing went wrong – until a workie was having a fag while cleaning up and. underdeveloped fingers and impossibly plummy voices. or to use firework pro vocabulary. a scared cat saYs: “Miaow! I got my head stuck between a shed door and a shed while trying to hide from this. We gathered together a select few of the zillions of available fireworks.09.com Lasts: 20 seconds WHat is it? Purple and blue “peonies” (that’s the Star Treklooking line-explosion ones) ideaL for: Sexual perverts.” THE KING Price: £29. Star Wars fans and general assorted sci-fi fellas.74 (for 25 of these). I even started crying. a scared cat saYs: “The woofty name didn’t prepare me for the fact that this still contains a lot of explosives. dodgy shops at the edge of town start selling explosives to anyone who wants ’em. My neck hurts!” PRO ROCKET VOLLEY Price: £29.com Lasts: 30 seconds WHat is it? Cheap but loud.06. Whedonites. but.” JUMBO SATURN MISSILES Price: £8. IT’S THE BEST COMBINATION EVER Man first discovered fire.co.

NIkE AIr mAx from NIKESPoRTSWEAR. from epicfireworks. from tesco. not tin. acid-heads. Sami Hyypia? A SCARED CAT SAYS: “Every loud bang I hear makes a hair fall out.com LASTS: 20 seconds WHAT IS IT? A “fan barrage”. Nearly the same. Storms. It’s 105 shots of various colours. burnouts and everyone else who gets excited by a phrase like ‘colour storm’.52. Chris Ryan. stoners. and anyone who owns one or more books written by Andy McNab or Chris Ryan. but definitely not anyone who has any family in Hiroshima or Nagasaki. Miaow!” PICTURES: SASHA DAVIES.91. IDEAL FOR: No-nonsense people not in the mood for pissing about. I wasn’t too scared by the prospect of this. but the bang reminded me of being hit with a brick. IDEAL FOR: 1980s ravers. A SCARED CAT SAYS: “As I’m a cat and lack the capacity to see in colour. I used to be in a brick-filled sack dropped into a canal.magazines for all THUNDERBOLT FUN FIREWORKS PRICE: £TBC. more ‘cardboard wrapper’.CoM. from galaxy-fireworks. tEE from DIRRRTEE. I want fun fucking fireworks. and now it looks like I’ve shat a Peperami. IDEAL FOR: Crazed North Korean maniacs. however. Israelis and Palestinians. IDEAL FOR: Anyone who likes a big finish. well.” NUCLEAR WEAPONS PRICE: £49.com LASTS: 25 seconds WHAT IS IT? Exactly what it says on the. gloVES AND gogglES from A NEArby trAVIS PErkINS NIGHT VISION PRICE: £10. Prrrr!” ISSUE 148 FRONT 41 . drug casualties. After 300 I’ve got a big bald fucking arse.11. shit me the fuck up.99.storemags & fantamag . ‘I want fun.” SATURN MISSILES 300-SHOT PRICE: £11. I want fireworks. Prrrr.” COLOUR STORM PRICE: £19. LSD freaks. from epicfireworks.’ A SCARED CAT SAYS: “The packaging on this one reminded me of when my owner buys own-brand cat food.com LASTS: 60 seconds WHAT IS IT? A big multicoloured crackly noisy one. Well. A SCARED CAT SAYS: “I used to be in the SAS.CoM. according to the website.com LASTS: 40 seconds WHAT IS IT? A barrage of 300 pheeeeeeeeew-BANGs. A SCARED CAT SAYS: “I did so many shits from abject fear during this that my arsehole turned inside-out. from epicfireworks. or anyone who’s big and Finnish.com LASTS: 35 seconds WHAT IS IT? Four multicoloured ones (best lit all at once) with strobe things. IDEAL FOR: Andy McNab.

like. GerMany’s amazing. To redeem it. we’ve hidden two of the awesomest non-drinkers in the world in this picture – rock’s hardest loudmouth Henry Rollins and Canada’s besthaircutted bloody nice bloke. Cancer Bats’ Liam Cormier. 666 Mattress Road. They sell sausages on street corners. One of their finest traditions is Oktoberfest. occasionally stopping to chomp on a weiner. the Germans have never done anything bad ever. Happy hunting! FIND US Henry rollins liam from CanCer Bats FIND tHESE SOBER BaD-aSSES 42 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . clever or funny about drinking (at least. However. apart from… Oh. let’s not mention that. that’s what our dad told us before he was sick down his vest and fell into the fireplace). cool. Nothing springs to mind. in which everyone gets thoroughly pissed up in huge beautiful halls guzzling massive frothy steins handed to them by busty blonde beer-wenches in insanely tit-presenting tops. they play oompah music like there’s no tomorrow and they drink like alcoholic fishes. hard. In fact.FR NTAL LaGER KRaUtS CHECK OUT THIS BIG OL’ MESS OF PISSED-UP GERMANS – AND SEE IF yOU CAN SPOT THE TWO NON-BOOZERS IN THERE Man. To prove that. It’s. If you find them. there’s nothing big. The Moon. you win a lifetime supply of alcohol. circle the dudes and send them in an envelope also containing George Best’s ashes to Buckingham Place. Nope. the best thing ever.

storemags & fantamag .magazines for all A LIFETIM SUPPLY OE ALCOHOLF ! WIN ISSUE 148 FRONT 43 PICTURE: GETTY .

It was a pretty eventful lunchtime.” so it was alright. and their imminent self-titled album looks like it’s going to go insanely big.’ S B A DU USIc Now I T” BUT m y DIffEREN REAll BENGA MAGNETIC MAN Fuck us with a plastic chair. Luckily. Skream and Artwork (the equivalent in dubstep of. when to bring stuff out. It was like overhearing your parents talking about big. have teamed up to form Magnetic Man: a three-way tag team supergroup that it’s been pretty hard to miss lately. ‘THIS To THI woRk IN v woN’TSTEP RA E. They’re going to go absolutely goddamn stratospheric. Magnetic Man. three of the dudes that made it huge. But yes. Proper we-probably-shouldn’t-be-hearing-this shit.EAR CANDY THREE BIG NAMES JOIN FORCES AND BECOME. Then the label head threatened to kill us if we shared any of what we overheard. Stone Cold. for fuck’s sake. When we met up with the three of them.net mAGNETIc mAN True PDF release: storemags & fantamag 44 FRONT ISSUE 148 . Barack Obama follows Skream on Twitter. Benga handed us his iPad and said. AN EVEN BIGGER NAME. deep issues. ER. like. It seemed to go from a nicely-chugging-along fairly enclosed scene to the biggest thing since Big Jeff Bigg the World Bigness Champion grew nine feet overnight. Recent single I Need Air shot straight into the charts in the midst of Justin Bieber and JLS. the most powerful fucking man on the planet knows about it. Undertaker and Triple H). Insanity. COMPLETE WITH DEATH THREATS R. RoDUcE A E “AS A P ED To H v yoU USNk. And now. and everything like that. How mental is that? If Skream has a poo and puts it on the internet. the head of their label showed up and they all had an in-depth discussion about what singles to go with. “Play with that. MUSIC MAThS PICTURE: ALEX DE MORA DUBSTEP GIANTNESS THREE magneticman. South London mega-producers Benga. dubstep’s huge at the moment.

If one person doesn’t like it. and people socialise with people who are into so much different stuff. our democracy is a bit upside down. You used to have to think.’ do the thRee of You clash oveR stuff? A: We have one cool rule. how does the dosh woRk with that? S: I didn’t get a penny extra because it went huge. stRaight up – but how’d it happen? A: The internet. There are no arguments. to buy your drum’n’bass songs. The Reading gig was a nice round-off as the last one of the Magnetic Man festival tour. I think people are starting to see the talent from dance tracks. but everyone really enjoys it all. and so much more music’s available. skReam’s la Roux Remix went massive. Now. has much had to be put on hold? S: Nah. But everything’s online now. which is just great.magazines for all FR NTAL You plaYed Reading and leeds this summeR – how was that? SKREAM: Fucking sick.’ but now you can think. and it’s still being played and still going places. that remix. Everybody just gets on with everything. A: It’s probably in the top ten songs I’ve ever heard. we weRe wondeRing.storemags & fantamag . we all handle everything that’s going on just fine. At the same time. with no dance music. ARTWORK: It used to be strictly a band thing. ‘Well. Everything’s kicking off all at once. if you were into drum’n’bass. ISSUE 148 FRONT 45 . If you go back ten years. you’d go somewhere and listen to just dub or whatever. ‘I like this. it’s much more open than before. it’s just put me everywhere. and I like that. It’s a really exciting time for us all. you’d go to a drum’n’bass shop. I got a remix fee. this won’t work in a dubstep rave. people who listen to rock listen to dubstep. We brought [ace dubstep lady] Katy B up and the crowd were just amazing. and now you go places like Reading and there’s everything. You’Re busY dudes on YouR own. B: As far as being a producer goes. then it’s out. Both Reading and Leeds were superb festivals for us to do. and that’s it. BENGA: Before.

which one of You is evil? Joel [right]: I’m probably the more cynical one. but it’s definitely true.FR NTAL i ig brvieW nte WE JOIN THE CELEBRITYSHAGGING TWINS TO GET THE LOWDOWN ON HOW THE HELL THEY’VE MANAGED IT You’re twins. REX good charlotte somehow got reallY Big. er. and people first started to really know about us. Benji [left]: I’m probably a little bit more likely to get in trouble… is there a rivalrY? B: We fight a lot but it never actually comes to blows. There’s not any competition there. We’re as close as can be. and You guYs got reallY famous. it’s been a ride. is there a magic psYchic link. Our first record came out ten years ago. GETTY. It comes from so many years of being together – we know what each other’s thinking. how? B: How did that happen? [Laughs] Man. we’re best friends. 46 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . PICTURES: ALEX DE MORA. literal as that. We’re both competitive but not with each other. like Benji can eat loads and joel needs a shit? B: It’s not as. and we can always sense something’s wrong with the other one wherever we both are. Ten minutes later.

. ‘How the fuck?’ B: Or you meet people you’ve been a long-time fan of. There’s no secreT formula. like.storemags & fantamag . no “do This and geT big”? J: You’ve just gotta be nice to everyone you meet. ISSUE 148 FRONT 47 . on th hey turne d up. and it’s just like. and they know who you are. but we’ve just tried to keep working. because you’re always gonna run into them again. and then on our second record things really took off. why don’t you let people know that?’ We have a lot of people rooting for us. So there was a couple of years where we were just grinding and touring. but sometimes you go. It’s insane. ‘How the FUCK am I onstage playing with this band?’ We’ve played with a lot of bands that we grew up listening to.” . We played right between System Of A Down and them. I’m like. You’re like. so if we wanT To become successful rock sTars. and that helps. e pho Joel w ne to Nicole as Richie . sOmEONE whaT’s been The weirdesT siTuaTion you’ve found yourselves in on The way up? J: We opened people. ‘How does this person even know I exist?’ J: Or you’ll just be in some random-ass village in Asia and people come up to you and try to tell you they have the record. and they’re not bad iN a VERY ONCE gHt piss “E mi WHiLE WEOff . It’s a small world and we’ve had a lot of luck. you’re such a good guy. they just shoot their mouths off. fat. We had fun and it was cool.magazines for all Joel & Benji adden M ● We to would tally were n’t su be up re toget her th for the bein if these gu ing. we’ll have To sTop being dicks? B: I’ve got friends who have made a lot of enemies. ‘Dude. were itate exp He to ecting Ben tally ji to b ● Wh used e fatt en t to be er. eight years ago. It’s been a roller coaster ride. b y ut the g-shot-in-b s y didn e ● We ’t hes dat all. for Metallica one time.

that was our whole philosophy. and we’re still the same age as a lot of bands that are just getting signed. ‘Oh. If I have to go to some event and walk the red carpet. J: I got a motorcycle. though. B: Unfortunately they give all the girls a really hard time. I have a general belief that nothing is free. You became verY rich and famous. as we don’t have anything to hide. which was pretty good.’ We’re not running for president. That was pretty cool. And if you think about it. ‘right. it wouldn’t be good. after doing LifestYLes of the rich and famous. so we really would have done whatever it took to do that. it’s okay. [Laughs] J: We always like to share it all – we’ve always been the guys that have the big parties.FR NTAL You’ve been doing this for 14 Years.” we’re doi 48 FRONT AUGUST 2010 ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag PICTURES: REX. when ‘the girLs’ are peopLe Like paris hiLton and nicoLe richie. and all I care about is my kids being away from it. that’LL happen. There was no chance of us going to college or anything. I would never buy it. I’d like to think we’ve got another good decade in us of really going for it. we got signed really young so we got a chance to really go on the ride. We keep it real. We’ll still do music and still be a band but not be 45 looking like we want to be 20. i’ve done it now. I swear to God. too. but then they go. RETNA . really. J: Sell drugs? I dunno. B: We have it a little easier because we’re in a rock band. do You feeL Like there’s extra pressure and You can’t compLain about anYthing? B: Yeah. [Laughs] We grew up broke as hell. you know. ‘what the fuck?’? B: All the time. they’re in a band. People give you a little more leeway when you do what we do. I party. That’s kinda a whole chick thing. B: These dudes generally care more about the chicks. You guYs started a band after seeing the beastie boYs – what wouLd You be doing if that hadn’t happened? B: We were talking about that the other day. [Laughs] We were in the situation where we had to provide for our family. [Laughs] is it a strange existence being hounded bY paparazzi? J: It’s just in LA. We don’t have anyone who burps us. that shit gets weird when people start trying to ‘sell’ you. Luckily. It’s a dope-ass watch.. do You ever wake up in Your beautifuL giant house and think. is there a point where You go. ‘If you don’t want it. we’ll take it!’ Our attitude hasn’t changed. so it probably wouldn’t have been good. all the time. do You miss the anonYmitY. i’ve been a rock star’? B: I like to think that we will. or changes our diapers. and they are. only chicks read those magazines. Now the ling with ne “ dea no o a a p p razzi?res what y reall cang. If I go and party. and then we can age gracefully. We might piss someone off or something. though. like. what’s the best free shit that You’ve ever got? B: I got a Cartier watch.. God. I have kids. just being abLe to go and get a burger when You want? B: No one really cares about what we are doing… J: We haven’t really changed anything. give it to us.

FAME IN GOOGLE HITS: 588. It’s not high enough to be scary and it’s not low enough to be weird. FAME IN GOOGLE HITS: 3.2 million hits WOULD WE? Why yes. though.storemags & fantamag . We always tell each other that we don’t need time off. and I swear every night when I walk into my place I think. B: I live alone. B: Off the record. man. Paris Hilton’s New Best Friend. yes we surely would. ‘This is crazy! I love my life!’ BENjI’S jUST HAD BENjAMIN FRANKLIN TATTOOED ON HIS BAcK BIGGER THAN HIS AcTUAL FAcE. the Cheaper By The Dozen films. KNOWN FOR: Being in Bardot (the Australian Hear’Say) and being the fit girl in Blink-182’s Always video. I was a funny kid. IS THAT A MONEy THING? B: We grew up in a workingclass family and my dad still works – he’s the hardest-working guy I ever knew. and a thousand dollars can change your whole life. man.’ I thought I would live where I grew up and just fight with my wife and have bad kids. [Laughs] J: You don’t regret the pink spots? B: No. loads of money. HILARY DUFF SHAGGED WHO FOR HOW LONG? Joel. I’m a bachelor. having Lionel Richie as an adoptive father. Where we come from. ANy HAIR REGRETS? B: Nah. and without a second’s thought. FAME IN GOOGLE HITS: Nearly 66 million hits WOULD WE? Yeah. ev en the lIberty s pIkes” SHAGGED WHO FOR HOW LONG? Joel. Seven. my beautiful girl and my beautiful kids.magazines for all I have kids.000 hits WOULD WE? Abso-goddamnbloody-lutely. They were awesome. I love my house. PARIS HILTON SHAGGED WHO FOR HOW LONG? Benji. money’s real. NICOLE RICHIE SOPHIE MONK SHAGGED WHO FOR HOW LONG? Benji. from 2006 to 2008. FAME IN GOOGLE HITS: 13. and summing up most of what’s wrong with modernday society. KNOWN FOR: The Simple Life. ‘Dude. for nine months in 2008. a sex tape. HOW MANy WOMEN IN TOTAL HAvE GOOD cHARLOTTE SLEpT WITH OvER THE yEARS? B: Well. if anyone asks you. Seven in total between us. always keep hustling. not even the Liberty spikes. I wake up and I’m like. KNOWN FOR: Being Lizzie McGuire in various kids’ things. The tattoo’s just a reminder to keep working. I’m happy. as much as we’d love to claim otherwise. J: Always say seven. KNOWN FOR: The Simple Life. this guy’s an angel. everybody’s healthy. since 2007 – they’re engaged now and have a son and daughter. The one little saying me and Joel have is that we should never not be working. yOU’vE HAD SOME pRETTy SHIT HAIRDOS OvER THE yEARS. thousands! “I don’t r dodgy ha egret a sIngl e Ircut. . [Laughs] FINALLy. totally. and everybody’s happy. from 2004 to 2006. plus selling an impressive 13 million records.4 million hits WOULD WE? Yep. I rode that train until the wheels fell off. probably.

Xbox. Xbox LIVE. EA SPORTS and the EA SPORTS logo are trademarks of Electronic Arts Inc. and the Xbox logos are trademarks of the Microsoft group of companies. Xbox 360. Microsoft. “PlayStation” and the “ ” Family logo are registered trademarks and “PS3” is a trademark of Sony Computer Entertainment Inc.True PDF release: storemags & fantamag © 2010 Electronic Arts Inc. All other trademarks are the property of their respective owners. . EA.

in Africa. who all lez up.co t richard rd once go ● Richa r Dom Joly ken fo mista ge. Everyone says Jeremy Kyle. By the time I got to a rest stop I weed for about two minutes straight. Big bites. but I’m currently drinking a lot of ginger tea. I use that all the time. I got two bites in. weeping women. WoulD you rather be too hot or too colD? Too hot. RICHARD HERRING What’s the Worst iDea you’ve ever haD? An invention which would allow men in their 40s to wee like sixyear-olds.storemags & fantamag . Twitter’s on about 31. rd write ● Richa g every day. What’s the stupiDest thing you’ve saiD to someone you Were trying to impress? Back in the ’90s. 19 Why shoulD people get your neW DvD. my dear Watson. 16 17 What’s the most illegal thing you’ve ever Done? I once threw a stone through the window of a Christian bookshop. I told the beautiful and charming Dawn French. then they should come.000 followers. superpoWer of choice? To turn back time and go and say and do the things I was too scared to do in the moment. I had to endure a four-hour drive bursting for the loo – I got too embarrassed to ask them to stop for me. 13 14 15 1 What’s your favourite film? Monty Python’s Life Of Brian. What’s the punchline to your favourite joke? “Lemon entry. on a brid FR NTAL OUESTIONS HOW WILL THE COMEDY VETERAN AND HITLER LOOKALIKE HANDLE THE QUESTIONS WE ASK EVERYONE? What Will your funeral be like? I want it to be full of beautiful. I like Budvar lager. anD come anD see you on your giant upcoming tour? If they like challenging comedy which mixes puerility with intellectualism and which will make them think about political or religious issues and laugh at degrading sexual acts. wh iled blo ely deta detailed at ost insan unlike m tually good. What have you seen that you Wish you coulD un-see? I once saw a video of a man dressed as a clown have someone shit in his mouth. 5 6 7 What makes an aWesome night out properly aWesome? A blow job from a homeless man behind a bus station. but I’m bored of the other ones. as I understand it. Hopefully Jesus will forgive me. Which is very high! tell us one ace thing We WoulDn’t knoW about you. surely? 9 Who’s the biggest arsehole famous person you’ve met? Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.” ISSUE 148 FRONT 51 20 . That’s the deal with Him. I want to take it on Dragon’s Den and spray the dragons with my wee. 12 What Was the first recorD you ever bought? Assemblage by Japan. But I don’t like heights. And then I would open a window. Do you bother With that social netWorking shit? I have done all of them at times. 10 11 What’s the most you’ve ever neeDeD the toilet? Once. who was being nothing but lovely to me. 18 I got a score of 702 on Yahtzee on my iPhone. is herring. It’s ac m blogs.magazines for all nely s an insa ich. booze of choice? I’m currently off the booze. It’s still up there. 3 4 What’s the Worst thing you’ve ever eaten? I tried to eat a whole pack of butter to win £50. It flopped out over his face. that as part of the previous generation of comedians she was ‘the enemy’. hitler moustache. 8 have you got any phobias? We have nothing to fear but fear itself. 2 Who off telly WoulD you kill? Jeremy Kyle.

who were concerned aBout the oBese havoc caused By the company’s waddle-thru restaurants in america. YO I AM 2 GNARL-EE 4 DA MAX X-TREEM. sOuth lOndOn McDONALD’S OPENS ITS FIRST UK BRANcH ONE SMALL MAC AND ONE BOVRIL – THAT’LL BE 14 PENCE. a cup of hot of Bovril or a world-famous small mac. b haracter t one ed-pi f o ss ● A m ounders suffe f the resta ing illion red a trilli Big M s a ch urant’s onth acs a ild. n s.. Burgaface killa. of a re ● Th e File second – sold every in Ip t-O-F three It’d ta swic ish i ke to o lon s incredib h alone! g to e ly rac but t xplai rust u ist. KIDZ!!! mcdonald’s soon ran into trouBle with health campaigners. 52 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag .COM further controversy was stirred up By the edgy 1990s makeover of the mcdonald’s mascot. NINE COKES – AND GO AHEAD AND GIGA-SIZE ALL THAT FOR ME. the share price went through the roof in 2004 when a team of nasa scientists conclusively proved that mcdonald’s Breakfasts are a nearsupernatural hangover cure. LEMME GET AN OCTUPLE-STACKER MEGA-MAC. who Became rad ron mcduder and gained a trendy sidekick. the menu was fairly limited at the sole uk mcdonald’s: you could have chips. EAT ALL DINNER UP. When: 12 OctOber 1974 Where: WOOlWich.FR NTAL ● Th e is ba Ronald M s nigh ed on a re cDonald c tmar e tha curring. it t otally why – is. CHILDREN. YEEAH.. A BUCKET OF COW NUGGETS. beFOre AFter illustration: DISTANTGEESE. Back in 1974.

facebook.NOT ADVISED .CANTERBURY FAILSAFE .magazines for all FUELLED BY OUT OF SIGHT .com/vanseurope e AND YOUR FRIEN all prizes and complet of *For more info. a list .FRANCESQA CRAZY ARM .storemags & fantamag .BLEED FROM WITHIN PLUS MORE T BE ANNOUNCED ACROSS 3 S O TAGES U RIP AND WIN A T FOR YO T IN YOUR VANS S ORE T O AY BE THE FIRS T PL LOTS MORE PRIZES!* O E T THE GIG AND DS IN A PRIVATE J T contest rules go to: www.

the internet. and now – without even pausing for a breath – it’s giving us sexy pop lady Inna. the television and space travel. but she looks very pretty while doing so.FR NTAL our five favourite lady blossoms this month PICTURES: GETTY. REX FEATURES. medicine. nuclear power. She makes awful Eurodance songs that eat your brain like a virus. BIG PICTURES inna Romania has already given the world the automobile. 1 54 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag .

magazines for all 2 BRITT ROBERTSON If you’re a secret fan of all those interchangable E4 teen-drama shows. She’s as unhinged as a wig in a sandstorm. it would surely all be worth it. HUNT TO KILL IS OUT ON BLU-RAY AND DVD FROM 11 OCTOBER MARIE AVGEROPOuLOS When you watch as many straight-to-DVD movies you’ve picked up for £3 from a garage as we do. in which a group of wide-eyed young hopefuls all live together in a fancy mansion while each trying to ‘make it’ in fashion/music/ sport/whatever. She’s like a perky woodland creature – a woodland creature that you totally want to lick. If Sarah’s saucy new look has turned your head and you’re now on a mission to pull her. Christ. YES. who co-stars with Stone Cold Steve Austin in the £3-tastic Hunt To Kill – she’s as fit as any of the Hollywood big-hitters. She’s as mad as a barn full of teatowels. you’ll recognise the pixie-faced Miss Robertson as the star of Life Unexpected (that’s the one about the foster-care girl who finds her long-lost parents and learns lots of super-gay life-lessons along the way). SHE’D PROBABLY KILL YOU AS YOU SLEPT. The appeal of Big Brother baddie Makosi is simple: she boasts more fleshy ledges. THAT FIT GIRL oFFAVID… MUSIC CINEMA oR SEND uS ADIE YOuRE LESENCE oF S To TH PR front@frontarmy. BUT YOU’D DIE A TOTAL CHAMP.storemags & fantamag . 5 BUTTERFLY vERdICT: WOULD. THE LADY GARDEN TEAM ARE HERE TO SETTLE SUCH MATTERS… THISH MONT MAKOSI MUSAMBASI 3 GIGLIANNE BRAGA Lush-lipped lovely Giglianne stars in US reality series If I Can Dream. 4 SARAH SMITH Sarah is the sister half of awesomely dubious incest-pop duo Same Difference. No. Engaging her in lovemakery would probably have you fearing for your life. but by Jesus F. who’ve recently become even more awesomely dubious thanks to an image makeover that’s seen them go from ‘annoying stage-school grinners’ to ‘nightclubbing sexual predators’. don’t forget to closely imitate her brother – she’ll find you irresistibly ravishing. it’s completely shit. we can’t stop watching it. IT’S SOMETIMES HARD TO TELL IF A LADY IS A WINGED BEAUTY OR A MANY-LEGGED MONSTER. jiggling protuberances and buxom globules than you can shake an aroused stick at. Yes.co. for example. SHE’S A BUTTERFLY SHE’S A CATERPILLAR Physically amazing Makosi may be. But not Marie Avgeropoulos. She’s as completely fucking insane as a galaxy made of holograms folding in on itself and mutating into a sound made of pure thought. you grow accustomed to leading ladies who look like Tesco Value versions of A-list starlets: a boss-eyed Reese Witherspoon. ALERT US THE TELLY. but beneath those show-stopping boobs beats a heart of pure lunacy. She’s probably not more famous because her name is so tricky.uk TXT 07717 605 946 ISSUE 148 FRONT 55 . THANKFULLY.

Don’t let the baggage dudes bang it around. luckily. cos they cost around £140. and if you’re like me and get through about eight a year it gets pretty expensive.” THE WETTIE “Surfing in places like England. This reef shark came right at me but. you’ll need a wettie. and I take music and bodyboarding mags out. and I couldn’t believe it. It was a great feeling. I was about 16.” WORDS AND STUFF WITH JACK JOHNS 56 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag PICTURE: KIRSTIN PRISK WHAT I TAKE WITH ME EVERYWHERE DUDE OF SPORT “Everyone needs some light reading for long plane journeys. I’ve heard that pissing in a wetsuit attracts sharks. I’ve just had my own signature model made. which I’m mega stoked about. though. but abroad you can surf in just shorts. though.FR NTAL I’M ON BOARD “You can usually take your board abroad without paying the shitty airport charges.” . It was weird seeing myself on a cover for the first time. It’s one of those things that you never expect to happen. but I’ve not been full-on attacked yet. I whack it into a bag and say it’s art equipment. turned away at the last minute. I had a runin with one in Australia. I was really freaked out – I was out of the water fast.

” THAT NEW INTERNET THING QUALITY TUNES “I use my music to get amped for a surf. The lead singer was puking on stage and stuff. I went to this gig down here in Cornwall a few days back. That was pretty weird of me. ly n r for and w ded an e ball i y was abo n ut s as out aerial his add ix m of a tric icte k ctio ont d n h tha to coff s. Cornw guard nce d life a enz er an l. u rd ES: P LIV dyboa ORS: G D o S B: B SPON al. I was cycling to work the other day and took a shot of a dead fox.storemags & fantamag . just because the end product is sick. NM JO m Ani PLASTIC MONEY “I usually just carry my credit card for emergencies. I wouldn’t want to go for any longer than one night – I’d be skint.” “Apart from bodyboarding and lifeguarding. but it was good fun. spotted the high rollers and kept away from the filthy hookers.” ISSUE 148 FRONT 57 ● . and we ran around the casinos. As you can see from these pics here. I lost about $500. If it’s flat. I’ll just whack a film on. I go t tim ee i t n e. It’s important to keep an eye on the swell charts.” Ja mo ck use curl ustach d to sp tric ing” it e. I started collecting the old 35mm cameras. He s ort a v ● Ja k to gr on a r ays “w ery go ow od eg ax ck whe says h ing gra ular ba ing an n he is w de-A sis is d sho uld shatt orst ev facia the bad er. but it made an appearance when I went to Las Vegas. too. I was with a bunch of Aussie mates. I run an online clothing shop and I keep on top of my employees with my lappy when I’m away. and there was a 30-man pile-on in the middle of the dancefloor. “I la ered th er inju l hair. It all got a bit crazy.magazines for all HAPPY SNAPPING “I love documenting the places I’ve been.” hns ck Jo E: Ja 24 all NAM AGE: . You can’t go wrong with a bit of electro. I like messing about and mixing up what I shoot. like Boys Noize. to see where the best waves are gonna hit and to be in the right place at the right time.

from dotsthefilm. as it turns out. LIVING ON A SPRAYER Dots Graffiti Prints Box Set £500. we didn’t know that we had a clown-girl fetish. The classic game has now been updated with new rules. from orbitsound. which will then travel back in time and try to kill John Connor.com GOOD: Dots is a graffiti documentary that’s currently in production and is being funded by the sale of these box sets of prints by the vandaltastic artists involved. I WANNA BE THE HAT Monopoly Revolution £30. BAD: The Big Baby figure is giving us recurring. from hasbro. pettiness and squabbling.05% of the film’s profits – so if it’s as big as Avatar. from addict..com GOOD: If you love gathering a group of pals together for an evening of greed.uk GOOD: Until we saw this collab deck from skate wear label Addict and ultra-cool illustrator Mitch.net GOOD: These ace 9-inch figures allow you to celebrate your love for Toy Story characters in a cool.com GOOD: The T12 soundbar recreates the bollock-quaking thunder of cinema sound-systems in the comfort of your own hovel.splash your cash CLOWNSTRESS DECK Addict X Mitch Deck £50. You also receive a certificate entitling you to 0. But you never know! (But it probably won’t. thanks to (it says here) “revolutionary spatial stereo technology” and “the application of heavyweight scientific principles”. from vinylnation. you’ll be rrrrrrich! BAD: It probably won’t be as big as Avatar. a new board and a load of crazy sound effects. But.) DISIZZLENEY TOYZ Vinylmation Toy Story Series £TBC. Fancy! BAD: Eventually. 58 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . these T12s will evolve into T-1000s. bed-pissing nightmares. MOVIE ENLOUDENER Orbitsound T12 v2 Soundbar £300. designertoy stylee.co.. we totally do. ironic. there’s simply nothing better than Monopoly. BAD: We want to honk her shiny nose and have her bosh us in the face with pie foam sooo badly. BAD: Thirty-eight per cent of all murders committed in Britain are directly caused by Monopoly.

magazines for all MINI MEGA DRIVE with 50 built-in games inside a wireless device Reactor Sega Console £30. Why not replace it with this lush WeSC X Mode2 set? It looks skill. might seem a bit dull. you silly sausage. like a moustache made of steel cocks. Don’t forget to rub some all over your face and penis while screaming like a banshee! BAD: The whole bloodguzzling thing doesn’t really go with your Iggle Piggle costume. early-’90s games like cars and the games came Going Up The Shops and on cartridges that took Ultimate Teatime Simulator three men to carry. from firebox. no bigger than a big cake. BAD: Don’t fuck your duvet. and on lonely evenings you can dry-hump it. SHEET THE BED WeSC X Mode2 Bed Linen £70 (single)/ £100 (double). from areaware. INTRAVENOUS POP Vampire/Zombie Blood Drink £4 (each).e.uk GOOD: That duvet set you bought for three quid from Asda has had its day now – it’s greasy with ball-sweat and clouded in fart-fog.co. from wesc.com GOOD: This hefty book collects together classic punk and new wave T-shirt designs from back in the day.com GOOD: This Halloween.uk GOOD: Back in the day. ISSUE 148 FRONT 59 . BAD: Some of these tees look like they smell jumbo bad. from rizzoliusa. fruitflavoured energy drink). but cushions in the shape of cuddly animals are so gay that they’ve come out the other side and are super-duper manly. BAD: The raccoon one got into the FRONT office bin and we had to call a Mountie to come and trap it for us. T-BOOK Ripped: T-Shirts From The Underground £20.50 (each). disgust your friends and traumatise local children by publically guzzling one of these hospital-style packs of ‘blood’ (i.co.com GOOD: Cushions are a bit gay. If you ‘casually’ leave it lying around your house then girls will think you’re extremely cool and will let you put your spunker up their pum-pum. Now. Sega BAD: If you’ve grown up Mega Drives were as big as playing the likes of Call Of Duty.storemags & fantamag . from comet. you can fit a Mega Drive FR NTAL CUSH-MMMS Areaware Mini-Cushions £23.

to some extent. all of a sudden people are going off on each other in the crowd. He’s an ‘enforcer’. ARE ALL YOU BLACKHAWKS FANS KNOWN AS A BUNCH OF RUFFIANS OR SOMETHING? We’re all blue-collar beer drinkers. but I prefer to go up and sit up in the rafters with my friends. if you watch a game with a lot of fights. ‘Do your thing. IT’S A BIT OF A BLOODY LAUGH AT THE STADIUM. It’s so funny. for one. I remember going to a game as a kid against the Detroit Red Wings – our main rival. When I met him. my girlfriend is the one who gets me better seats. ICE HOCKEY. Madina Lake’s bassist] and I are drawn to it is because it’s like football in that it’s a flowing game with a lot of strategy – there’s so much more that goes into it than meets the eye. we just won the Stanley Cup [the NHL’s big trophy]. In Chicago. And when we were playing the San Jose Sharks in the play-offs last season. They were like. a lot like football in the UK... THEN? It’s a very emotional game and the fans are so loyal to their team. Oh. She’s part of the Ice Crew. Through her and a couple of my friends on the team.MOUS FAN FA LE ONE H AN NAT THE CHICAGO ROCKERS ARE BLACKHAWKS FANS BORN AND RAISED – VOCALIST NATHAN’S EVEN GOT A CHEERLEADER GIRLFRIEND TO pROVE IT… SO. I usually sit with the players’ wives and families. who are these hot girls that dress up and shovel ice between periods. we were always the scrappers. Flying around on those is hard enough in itself. [Laughs] I befriended [Blackhawks defender] Nick Boynton recently – he’s been in the league for 12-odd years and when he played for the Boston Bruins he was known as ‘The Bruiser’. I think the reason my brother [Matthew. Before then. the crowd love those too – all the people start hammering the glass when players kick off at each other. man!’ DO YOU STILL SIT WITH THE COMMON FOLK. NATHAN. There were fights every two seconds. which we won. The Cubs are like the yuppie fratboy team and the White Sox are the blue-collar team. And yeah. THEN? DOES BEING ALL FAMOUS NOT GET YOU BETTER SEATS? Well. it is. who are the guys that take care of any opposition players who are fucking around with their teammates.” BEST BIT OF MERCH: “My official Blackhawks jersey – courtesy of my good friend #24 Nick Boynton – that he wore during the 2010 Stanley Cup finals. When the crowd sings the national anthem at the beginning it’s like a riot. It’s the best view in the entire stadium. IT LOOKS A LOT LIKE GIANT MEN WITH MULLETS BEATING EACH OTHER WITH STICKS. but it still goes off. Yeah. we have two baseball teams: the White Sox and the Cubs. you’re on ice skates. The league has tried to tame it. THERE’S A LOT OF SKILL INVOLVED. which most people seem to forget. “We come in peace! We just wanna get out of here!” It can all kick off pretty easily… HAWK’S EYE VIEW NAME: Nathan Leone DAY JOB: Vocalist. I saw three of their fans afterwards with paper bags over their heads with eyeholes cut out. The higher in the seating you go. the more security are like.” MID-GAME SNACK OF CHOICE: “A Chicago-style hot dog and a Budweiser.” True PDF release: storemags & fantamag PICTURES: LEE VINCENT GRUBB. WE’VE ONLY EVER REALLY WATCHED IT FOR THE FIGHTS. Madina Lake FROM: Chicago SUPPORTS: Chicago Blackhawks PRE-MATCH RITUAL: “I usually roll out of bed at about 1pm and start having beers at the stadium. he’d recently just broken his face – I didn’t even know that was possible. RIGHT? AREN’T THE BLACKHAWKS PRETTY GOOD AT THE MOMENT? Well. because that’s where the real fun is. That’s real Chicago and that’s what the Blackhawks are as well. RETNA . TOO. THOUGH.

too” stand CULT HERO ANTTI NIEMI “He was our goalie when we won the Stanley Cup – the hardcore fans really valued him.” JONATHAN TOEWS LEGEND “Our current captain and an absolute star – he’s a young kid who can score a load of goals. but he certainly got some shit when he came back.” VILLAIN S CHRIS CHELIO “He was our captain but then he transferred to the Detroit Red Wings. where he won the Stanley Cup.andoff in the kick s. too. but a good one can win you a hell of a lot of games. our biggest rival. and is largely responsible for the success of the team last season.” SEPTEMBER 2010 FRONT 61 ISSUE 148 FRONT . because he’s incredible. He’s now back in Chicago’s good graces.magazines for all FR NTAL ts in he fighre insane “t a y hockey can reall it -. He’s a real good dude.storemags & fantamag . Goalies are really never praised in this sport.

at uni. -ons: Vans shoes and turn to good jeans. Only the cool ones. ng. Front alt gir fridge is full of ice cream recognise having FRONT readers and mind. l? Getting attention. and he photographers that get I saw him at Slam Dunk . models all day was brilliant. from C horley myspac e. my break at gonna go noW? I’ve just started Favourite Film: I’m k to uni . My best thing about be Favourite Food: Jun and booze. I’m good with side of my lip 62 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . and it’s a shitty dress sen no from me. military look he’s got goi ttoos/piercings? got any ta k. I can’t wait to get bac and say The Notebook work. combined wi se. so one of those Summer’s Of Men And to shoot hot .c pain and nerves. ing a k food. super girly s in. otography e Rocket dream job: I study ph Favourite album: Th fancy-pants Angels. crush Who do you have a ’s ? Chatum Tanning. He on but I quite like that pretty beefy. th a Bad hair.y Fu ll oF boozeyou r gran dad’s Walked into is month’s alt girl sh ed – it ’s th getting them was om/lot tieja 22. too. girl at a club in a hottie. turn-oFFs: Mullets.der ear? Fridges pop-pu n k? u n? noW ou’ve not . because it’s and pack my job Guys can watch it too is being a shot it. and she’s day job: My best one got Rachel McAdams in Nottingham. I’m partial s having their polo guy shirts done up to the top button. . and the I’ve got a star on my nec pierced. so g right What are you doin no big deal. me.

storemags & fantamag .magazines for all FR NTAL “I wa s the fa ce on a Bi f fy C lyro T-shir t” ISSUE 148 FRONT 63 .

It was weird – they drew bees flying out of my fingers. Who gets What in your WiLL? My only prized possession is my Misfits poste r by Todd Slater. first gig: Good Ch arlotte in Manchester. No matter how much Photosh oppin though. nde ct u t he r walk colle ut I'd ra "I b 64 FRONT ISSUE 148 ar. and I’ll make it a worldbeating evening. high heeLs or trainers? Vans Authentics every tim e. Perfect night ou t: You give me the booze and the pop-punk tunes. sexy fact aBout you: I collect underwear. there are som g I do. e people I just can’t make pre tty. cLaim to fame? I was the face on a Biffy Clyro T-s hirt a while ago. No expense spared on a night out with me. rwe nothing on at all" h around my house wit True PDF release: storemags & fantamag PHOTOGRAPHY: ED GODDEN . along with all my oth er stuff. i secretLy have a Passion for… Photographing goodlooking guys and gir ls. or anything. Perfect night in: Bottle of red and a chick flick. I don’t try them on all the time.Booze-drink of choice: Disaronno and Coke. super gir ly. Last gig: It would ’ve been the Slam Dunk festival in Leeds. I’d give it to my sister. Especially if they’re in black and white. I’d rather walk around my house with nothi ng on at all. Again.

magazines for all FR NTAL ISSUE 148 FRONT 65 .storemags & fantamag .

y sTEpH yOUNGER ics p 66 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . d . from Newcastle facebook.com/steph. Secret paSSion: Dressing as a cat and prancing around for anyone who’s willing to put up with me. Favourite album: It’d be either Morning View by Incubus or Ruin by Architects.younger What are you up to right noW? Wondering which Gilmore Girl I’d rather see naked.off th icia ho e s ll worme o exy y . i .f am ld s the az mo coo in st l g gly ir ls 22.

flower.storemags & fantamag . from Norwich What are you up to right noW? Watching a bit of football and chilling.farrar TABBY FARRAR 18.co.com/tabby.com facebook.blogspot. t are you Wha out a whil t t p to righ u secre ing I’m noW? Sav passions: s to ith e pennie som in love w g. Some dude with a foot fetish once told me he wanted to have sex with me because of them. snakebites have ROSE ST AKHUR her- SUPPORT HELP ford from Bed 19.uk ISSUE 148 FRONT 67 . irls.magazines for all those but I took e back. cider! anything else We should knoW: I’m very proud of my boobs. under 18s eXCITInG HAIrCuTs fAke boobs CAmerAHoldInG beArds Coolness &seXIness GonAds Topless: up To you JUST KEEP SENDING THEM IN altgirl@frontarmy. any tattoos? I’ve got birds on both feet. I use d lemonad an . Booze of choice: Cider. I grew them myself. go travellin Japanese g attoos? any t Booze of tus in I’ve got a lo choice: G d to e.first-love. cider. Creep.

should help you out. but you want to win. 1 GET PREPARED eating loads of fibrous foods can help stretch your stomach to up to four times its normal capacity. 4 BASK IN YOUR GLORY man. you sexy sausage-chomper! 68 FRONT ISSUE 148 illustration: behance.FR NTAL INSTANT EXPERT 2 FIG. so you’d best get ready for an onslaught of hot no-knickers action. FIG. vomiTing. don’t you? 4 FIG. 2 SEPARATE ’EM competitive eating champion Takeru kobayashi uses what he calls the ‘solomon method’ – separating the sausages from the buns.net/ShORt True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . in an you ToTall d geTTing y laid. you’ll be smelling like a vagina for a long. your gag reflex is your body trying to avoid choking. 3 DON’T HURL suppressing your gag reflex is key – puking will see you disqualified from any decent contest. as well as drinking a monster fuck-load of water. This mon lead To ch Th’s skill could o weighT ga king. 44 WIN A HOT DOG EATING CONTEST FIG. and dipping the bread into water to cut down on the chewing process. long time. WARNING NO. so fighting it can be dead dangerous. scoffing stuff like watermelon and cabbages. showing off how much cheap meat you can eat gets ladies wetter than a whale’s swimming trunks.

-$ .!"#70:=#!%)$D!+%42.$7!"%(. ?H#7$8$-!%(!%)$G'-.#!-)$'!!-42 ?B#7$8$32+/7#!%)$'!0-+#+!% ?C#7$8$.magazines for all !"#$ %!&$ '()$ !%$ *+%.0"2=+-4"=$$$$ &&&1(+%!.#0#+!% 8$ #7 < $8$-+*42=!!-)$:0.>"4 ?@#7$8$3+2:+%/70:)$ 7024$.0"2=+-4"=1'!: .#42)$-!"%/4 AA%($8$'24&4)$#74$3!9 AC#7$ 4(+%3"2/7)$'03024#$*!-#0+24 8$ ) #7 AI $8$/-0. AE#7$8$.!2G)$. #7 ?? $8$494#42)$#+:4=+4'4 ?A#7$8$32+.-40J./!&)$%+'4$ $ % .#424! A6#7$8$-44(.#$8$:0%'74." A?. ?E#7$8$.74FF+4-()$=-"/ ?6#7$8$%!##+%/70:)$3!(4/0 ?<#7$8$'0:32+(/4)$70.:0G42.=0'41'!:K(+%!.storemags & fantamag .$ +/+#0-$(!&%-!0(1 ( !%$#!"2$+%$!'#!3425 6#7$ &24970:)$'4%#20-$..)$'!'G=+# &&&1:.

Trick or treat. it’s not weird. where’s the fucking sweets? OF THE TRICK OR TREATER WHAT HE SAYS: Give me some sweets or I’ll throw eggs at your car and chuck bog roll around your garden. small people like myself obtain confectionary by trespassing onto the property of strangers and making demands. so then. They’re evil – they made sure my costume was stitched into my vest and pants so i couldn’t get it off and would piss myself. i’ll be back again in a few days. WHAT HE SAYS: Thanks for the sweets. 70 FRONT ISSUE 148 illustration: Keaton henson True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . The others don’t even bully me any more because they feel i’ve suffered enough. it’s acceptable. you paedo.FR NTAL WHAT HE SAYS: SECRET LANGUAGE Try To resisT The urge To beaT The liTTle shiTkicker. WHAT HE MEANS: i’m out on my own cos i’m the kid that no one else will speak to. he’ll be cradling a dog we stole. WHAT HE MEANS: if i was a random adult who knocked on your door and said i was going to shit on your lawn unless you gave me 20 silk cut. most of it has fallen off other kids without them noticing. and consider whaT’s going on in his Tiny mind insTead. mister! WHAT HE MEANS: This food’s going in the bin. my costume is made out of stuff that i found lying around. trying to scrounge cash off you for bonfire night.. but because i’m a kid dressed like marilyn manson’s estranged nephew. basically. you’d rightly reach for your golf clubs and set about me. might be to do with those two heart attacks i had before the age of eight. WHAT HE SAYS: I can’t wait to get home and scoff all my sweets! WHAT HE MEANS: by ‘home’ i mean ‘children’s home’ and by ‘scoff’ i mean ‘have taken away from me by the inbred twins who run the place’. mister! WHAT HE MEANS: i’m here to involve you in what has become a worrying trend in the uk in recent years.. i’ll be pushing a pram with one of the other kids from the home jammed into it. WHAT HE SAYS: I’m only out on my own cos I freaked out all the other kids with my dead scary costume. we’ll then spend the money on fireworks and almost certainly end up being fucking maimed. you’ll grudgingly hand over some haribo starmix before shutting the door and going back to The one show.

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but it’s only so that I can get good money for them if I sell them. And it’s based on a comic from the ’50s. and I don’t like to talk about it.. 4 5 tank gIrl Everyone said it was shit but I loved it. ● von’s sPecIal leather mask Here she is demonstrating what it looks like with a newspaper.. so. yeah: Michael Cera and snow. It’s so sad that he turned out to be a paedo. Err… Oh. He should fight Batman. A comicy film. I used H. Saying it’s pretty dark just doesn’t do it justice. WeIrd scIence The best ’80s film apart from Risky Business. Bravo. I miss the pop man. ● laser Quest Yeah! YEAHHHHH! 72 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . That would be amazing. OF THE MONT RANDOM SWEAR PHRASE SIM-WISE’S Dunsta ble fuc kt runc he on THE SEXY LIFE OF A MODEL COMICS to read all my dad’s old Viz comics.FR NTAL WISE WORDS OBSESSION OF THE MONTH: I have a lot of comIcs. E MY ATE B ie M bezz say and ebs e at: w nter er-fac mhe i b i on t my cy ages/S Get lo to m/p 10524l hel ook. The real one is made of skin. ● antIchrIst I just watched this. who had a fist like a pack of sausages. But why the obsession? What started all of this madness? I first found out about comics – and.co 49 1 b face ise/540 W PHOTOGRAPHY: ZOE MCCONNELL HAIR & MAKEUP: WUESE HOUSTON-JIBO STYLING: HAYLEY FORESTER MY TOP 5 BESTEST FILMS BASED ON COMICS 1 Blade You can’t mess with Blade – he’s the hardest man ever. like. except because I wasn’t allowed to swear I called it Johnny ‘Pump-pants’. Not that I. and that scene in the club with the blood… Awesome. ● craBBIe’s alcoholIc gInger Beer It tastes like pop. more importantly. Which I never do. if only for the enduring image of Robert Downey Jr with a bra on his head shitting in his pants. like what the pop man brought. Tank Girl – through Deadline magazine. Before that. proper get off on them or anything… That was just that one time. I even keep them in their plastic bags like I’m some weird OCD Sheldon-from-Big Bang Theory freak. ● fallIng asleeP eatIng curry …and waking up with it on my face. and yet it’s still not enough as they overflow from every shelf and crevice my tiny room possesses. sIn cIty For being dead arty and actually looking like a comic. But it’s a film. After a while I moved onto Gen 13 and Alan Moore. and my love affair with comics began. ● my dIe antWoord t-shIrt I don’t remember getting it but it was a nice surprise when I woke up. Oh. apart from Eric from True Blood and wanking. which I bought off of Fat Ann the newsagent. Human skin. I have so many comics that I had to buy some of those special comic boxes that nerds have to put them all in. 2 3 scott PIlgrIm vs the World Contains my two favourite things in the world. yeah. and was particularly taken with The Pathetic Sharks and Johnny Fartpants.

Don't mention his hat. but to all intents and purposes it looked and smelt like piss. though – he gets a bit touchy about it after I said that it smelt like a grannie's bellwhiff. there she is! And what a nice outfit she's wearing! Twat. Tzar Englebert of Georgia IV. Mwah ha ha ha! HUNgAriAN SMAck This is what they are selling to kids on the street in Hungary. MY NEW FELLA …is a tzar. The good news? It dried and everyone was none the wiser. Whatever will they think of next? cHANNELiNg MY iNNEr TWAT Oh. except this is real and I really was there with Pharrell and I totally touched his arse a bit.storemags & fantamag . PrOM PicTUrE FrOM PLANET MENTAL This is what my teenage dreams looked like.magazines for all what else i has done this month AcciDENTS HAPPEN This is actually Strongbow. ISSUE 148 FRONT 73 . It wasn't at a prom. look. though.

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and it makes you laugh and laugh and laugh. really pretty girl. but have become truly amazing with their last few. Bum bum bum bum.com/user/cassetteboy REALLY TALL PEOPLE NEXT TO REALLY SMALL PEOPLE It makes you realise the scope and wonder and beauty of humanity.magazines for all GooD SHIT THIS monTH’S HIGHS DOING FUCK ALL Reaching bedtime and realising you never actually really got up – there’s a lot to be said for it. attacking Dragons’ Den and The Apprentice. you try and make something vaguely ambitious and end up with a half-raw mess that cost you about 20 quid because you didn’t own any of the weird shit that was meant to go in it.storemags & fantamag . ISSUE 148 FRONT 75 . RE-WATCHING OLD JACKASS FAIRGROUND ART We’re so excited about the upcoming Jackass 3-D that we’ve spent far too long watching all the old stuff. Hello. FR NTAL CASSETTEBOY The cut-and-paste geniuses have been around for ages on bootlegs and the internet. and it sits there. getting millions of hits on youtube.” SMELL SMELL SMELL SMELL. forlorn. PROPER COOKING “Bum. so you go on a murder spree. and then some other fucker does it. It’s still amazing. We don’t know where the hell fairground people (and dudes with sweet-ass vans) learn to paint like that. POORLY TIMED EATING “Hey. The thing is. in the back of your mind. there’s just so damn much going on in normal life that you don’t have time. BAD SHIT THIS monTH’S LoWS THAT INTEL THING FROM THEIR ADVERTS UNROTATED PHOTOS ON THE INTERNET If you’ve got enough free time to upload 380 photos of you and your fat sister’s weekend in Rhyl.” Oh. but we want to go there. It’s a beautiful mix of awesome and fucking terrible. do get fucked. If you don’t do it often. it’s that really pretty girl. ABANDONED IDEAS So you’ve got an amazing idea for a song/T-shirt/sitcom/invention. you far-toopleased-with-yourself crowd of smug wankers. I’ve just been eating loads of tuna. you’ve got time to make sure half of them aren’t sideways.

you’re black. he’s about as trustworthy as a grave-robber. but if you need somebody handcuffing to a radiator and slapping until they cry. it later emerged that Riggs is a pissed-up religious weirdo who hates ladies and blames Jews for war. we’re bad. Riggs. as he launches himself at danger on a flying motorbike. I’m mad!” Ahhh. bulldogheaded Vic spent seven seasons of The Shield booting in doors. the king of the action-flick nutters. torturing drug dealers and headbutting anyone “We’re back.FRONT COUNTS DOWN THE 20 BADDEST BAD-ASS MOFOS YOU’D WANT BACKING YOU UP IN A PUB CAR PARK SCUFFLE ILLUSTRATIONS: JOEL AMAT 20 SlAp-heAded ShIeld hARdmAn VIC MACKEY who even slightly got on his tits. with his denim so snug and his mane a-flappin’. Sadly. Vic’s yer man. Yes. NUTJOB RATING: 19 BemulleTTed leThAl WeApon MARTIN RIGGS The ultimate cop-gonewrong. NUTJOB RATING: 76 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag .

your best bet is to involve yourself in some kind of horrible car crash. a twenty-second-century hitman and a psychotic fighter-pilot.magazines for all feature nuts tough He might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer – in fact. now stand up very quickly. NUTJOB RATING: AUGUST 2010 FRONT 77 . KRYPTONITE: He’s terrified of ma. provided his foes are reasonably slow-moving and don’t confuse him with long words or joined-up writing. eddie’s been a nineteenth-century soldier. which is fair enough. NUTJOB RATING: 17 maiden’s mega-massive metal monster EDDIE over a 30-year career of leering from iron maiden sleeves. no probs. and let’s be honest here. he’s more of a rusty old ladle with the handle snapped off – but lotney ‘sloth’ fratelli is still a jumbo-sized powerhouse and a formidable fighter. drunk surgeons money can buy. then spin around 50 times while punching yourself in the temples. now sit down. megadeth’s vic rattlehead or the misfits’ Crimson ghost. 18 SLOTH goonies Hero Huggably deformed GET THE LOOK: Copying sloth’s ‘rugged’ look won’t be easy. Ta-daaa! you are sloth. He’d easily kick the shit out of motörhead’s snaggletooth. GET THE ’TUDE: drink a bottle of Cillit bang while listening to happy hardcore. then get your ravaged face reconstructed by the very worst of blind. because she looks like somebody took a mallet to an old rhino’s arse.storemags & fantamag . plus he’s battled satan and killed maggie thatcher.

lonely old Snake’s been sneaking up on unsuspecting mercenaries and making them slump silently to the ground since 1987. the soap? True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . GET THE LOOK: Casey’s expression veers between ‘mental arithmetic’ and ‘six-day constipation’ – so get yourself a book of tricky Sudoku puzzles and a jumbo box of imodium. Cue “yatta!” and girly jumping. ‘phwerr. NUTJOB RATING: 14 CHUN-LI WaCky HairdOed Street fiGHter With thighs that make beyonce look malnourished. where s ..16 SOLID SNAKE Sneaky-uppy killy baStard 15 CASEY RYBACK OMelette-flippinG aikidO Cunt Most chefs are aggro bastards – the job just attracts shouty wankers – but when push comes to shove. NUTJOB RATING: . in which he dealt out some deeply satisfying shoeings to cutesy. KRYPTONITE: Collapsing soufflés. She’ll be spinning daintily around and you’ll think. . kirby and princess shit-minge peach. i reckon i just saw a bit of pink!’ and then blOWH – you get a face full of feet. but he really came into his own in 2008’s Super Smash bros brawl. He has some decent lines (“What babbling bullshit is this?”) but his whispery. because beneath that flourcovered exterior lurks a highly trained navy Seal baddie-twatter. NUTJOB RATING: Star of the Metal Gear franchise. monotone delivery lets him down.. the majority of them are actually pussyclart fassyoles: we know for a fact that Gordon ramsay’s children push his head down the toilet almost daily. not under Siege’s Casey ryback. squeaky wankers like pikachu. Chun-li combines extreme kickiness with extreme short-skirtedness in the most hospitalising way possible. GET THE ’TUDE: Casey isn’t one for John McClane-style zingers. though: he’s as adept at bustin’ butts as he is at butterin’ baps. best just to copy his fighting style: lots of oddly effeminate backhand face-slaps.

She’s gangsta as gangsta gets.storemags & fantamag . Captain price strides through the Call of duty games as if he bloody well invented war. really FuCking hard lady 10 ELLEN RIPLEY 9 MRS DOUBTFIRE roCk-hard tranny BaStard Who says an older lady can’t be a tough-nut? this fifty-something. grinning nervously while clearly terrified of getting his face filled in by a suspicious dad or a gang of local hoodies. but hatchet-faced Marv has the baddest ass and the toughest nuts of them all. unkillaBle Brute the black-and-white world of Sin City is chock full of bad-asses and tough-nuts. NUTJOB RATING: ISSUE 148 FRONT 79 . getmi doe bruv? NUTJOB RATING: an expert at keeping her head while those around her are losing theirs (along with their arms. ’taChetotin’ ledge CPT. Jason ‘Sadface’ Bourne performs similar tricks. but he flees from actual danger like a yellowbellied chicken made of lily-livered weakness. legs and torsos). rough’n’tumble kinda guy who thinks nothing of performing death-defying leaps or battling monstrous giant mushrooms. NUTJOB RATING: the world’s most nails parcel courier. WEAKLINGS WALLY What a total flid. his runty bro luigi is a wimpy shitehawk who’s frequently scared to the point of incontinence by even the feeblest of foes. but newbie Jaden Smith is the most unconvincing martialarts champ of all time. the shit loser. THOMAS JANE the star of ridicul-ace cop show the Mentalist might be a wizard with the mindreading and sleight-of-hand tricks. alienhating space-lady ripley knows that half the key to being hard is huffing around the place with a humourless scowl on your face. Weighing less than a tin of beans. everyone calls him ‘Jane’. so that was just a momentary blip. he could know all the karate in the world. much more ridiculous. Frank is the undisputed champ of turning everyday objects into wondrous weapons for his hypnotic ballet of fightery. specky piss-streak Wally lurks around in crowds looking like a paedophile trainspotter. try it – you’ll feel 20 times harder. he can’t even grow a decent moustache. the only person who even lays a scratch on him is cannibal ninja sex-case kevin – and Marv swiftly tortures him to gory death. and will put bloody war over his ruddy knee and give it a bloody good spanking if it acts up. While Mario is a nononsense. but we’d bet on Frank over him in a one-on-one. but she also throws a goddamn orange at James Bond’s head and snaps the badge off his Merc like it ain’t nuffink. as if everyone else is a bozo who’s just getting in the way. also. hairy-legged spinster not only foils a violent mugging. catcollecting frumpellas.magazines for all WORLD’S THE KARATE KIDS feature nuts tough LUIGI old-skool karate kids ralph Whatsisface and hilary Swanker were pretty weedy. his spectacular moustache alone could put you in an inescapable choke-hold. which is the standardissue name for timid. because Frank is simply much. NUTJOB RATING: alien-killing. Seriously. 13 gun-totin’. in a hat and jumper clearly knitted for him by his nan. and we would still kick his fucking head in with one leg tied behind the other. the creepy little piss-ant. NUTJOB RATING: as British as cloudy bitter and as indestructible as diamonds. PRICE 12 the tranSporter’S CoCkney tough-nut FRANK MARTIN 11 MARV Boulderheaded.

but there’s no shame in that. vengeful. with his love of single-handedly taking on entire armies and police forces. you might still be able to enrol at the night-School of minor Setbacks. ’nam vet rambo is a man who’s channelled his negative energy into something worthwhile. just to top his rep up a bit.8 JOHN RAMBO Battle-Scarred jungle-humper mentally damaged ex-soldiers are always good value in the hardness stakes. marlboro reds and the dead-eyed stare of a man who once witnessed his grandma get squished under a Balkan tank. You pay him now. NUTJOB RATING: 6 OMAR LITTLE out-of-the-cloSet outlaw the wire’s legendary dealer-robbing stick-up man is so hard that his rep actually does all his thieving for him: all he has to do is swagger about the neighbourhood whistling the farmer’s in the dell. 3 NIKO BELLIC car-jacking rotter fingerless gloves. a cunning old-man disguise and a rosycheeked ‘twink’ boy to bum between stick-ups. True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . GET THE LOOK: You’ll need a shotgun. it s all in . and he’d still kick your ass before you could say. NUTJOB RATING: 4 ShoeleSS. a box of honey nut cheerios. a pack of newport ciggies. GET THE ’TUDE: niko is the dictionary definition of a School of hard knocks graduate. But don’t judge a book by its scruffy cover: niko. GET THE LOOK: eastern european pimp chic: polyester tracksuit. KRYPTONITE: his dickhead trouble-magnet cousin roman. i. KRYPTONITE: despite giving off the impression that he’s Superman. veSted die hard motherfucker JOHN MCCLANE You can be as hard as Zeus himself. looks as weak and flimsy as a bulimic goth. intent on avenging his disabled brother’s tormentors in the northern. if you can’t get into the School of hard knocks because of poor a-level results. but if you don’t have some zingy oneliners to dish out while you carve up your foes then you might as well stay at home and play with your ball-sack. he’s as unstoppable as a zombie vampire – he’d take a groin full o’ bullets and still manage to cut you up and ram you in a suitcase. GET THE ’TUDE: Swan around like an overconfident mayor. NUTJOB RATING: . steaming piles of maimed carcasses. john mcclane has the perfect smirky comment for every situation. you get slap. NUTJOB RATING: 5 RICHARD he might not look particularly hench. but he’s so good at it that you haven’t even noticed. NUTJOB RATING: 80 FRONT ISSUE 148 . vodka-soaked stubble. gta4’s eastern european star. Saying that. he’s not above firing off a few rounds. niko Bellic. it is possible that he practises them all in the mirror beforehand. bullets and blades do actually hurt him. a duster jacket. Be careful to never use swear words (for some reason). post-traumatic stress disorder ftw! NUTJOB RATING: 7 JACK BAUER terroriSt-torturing tear-awaY You could chain a comatose Bauer to a torpedoed nuclear submarine that’s set to explode when it hits the seabed. a facial scar.e... but dead man’s Shoes’ surname-less richard is still the scariest of all these here hardsters. he wily like fox and strong like ox. any funny businesses. the game in a video gaming world full of grizzled space-marines and steroid-pumped brawlers. “that’ll teach him. Bearded aSS-kicker craziest ways possible.” he’s actually kicking your ass right now. and hardened gangsters turn to pissknickered scaredy-cats and start flinging bags of loot at him.

unforgivab ath or de ific horr ble by n sock e unisha only p l wedgie? Th ba : a ver e to us .. invest in some stacked heels. How did you do? You’re gonna get your kidnapped daughter back if you have to kill every fucker on the planet! SEE: John Matrix in Commando. hidden messages and ransom demands? B: . classical music fan Judge Philip Banks might seem an unlikely candidate to top our list of worldclass shit-kickers.. A: .. black Incredible Hulk.uk on rmy fronta front@ eVerYone’S GoT A HArD BASTArD DeeP WITHIn THeM – BUT exACTlY WHAT kInD of ToUGH GUY Are YoU? A GAS BILL ARRIvES AT YOUR HOUSE. Christ knows why luke is so gutted when he discovers that Vader’s his dad – we’d be well chuffed. Do you tAke...a weapon that you’ve made from coat-hangers and glass and christened ‘Happy Tony’? C: .. a tearstained photo? B: .smash their head against the bar until they go completely limp. NUTJOB RATING: feature nuts tough Bel-AIr’S JUDGe. Do you. write down everything that makes you angry.. Should’ve done this ages ago.nothing at all? All you need is the eerie purple glow around your body.co...guns. which when unleashed can result in Uncle Phil flinging grown men through the air. GET THE LOOK: Stick a quilt up your jumper. A: . Inconsolably livid? Welcome to Phil’s world! NUTJOB RATING: uNCLE PHiL To CAREREE? e diSkAG missmdaa e a d we’ve Thin list or r ff our le erro mofo o . GET THE ’TUDE: Get a piece of paper...grab them by the ears and scream “Where is sheee?” into their face? B: .. then calmly return to your pint? C: . grenades. face paint. into the Sun? you’re heADing out.. But beneath those golfing sweaters beats a heart of pure rage. smartly dressed and pushing 50... then roll the paper up and jab it into your eyes.. rich..magazines for all 2 dARTH VAdER DArk lorD WITH A SHInY HelMeT Mr D..feverishly scan it for clues..march down to British Gas HQ with it and jam it up the Big Boss’s arsehole? C: .storemags & fantamag . Shout “Wiiillllll!” a lot. A: .. like some kind of fat.. literally. Vader is the hardest asthmatic middle-manager with a replacement hip ever.destroy your house? No more gas bills... ISSUE 148 FRONT 81 . KRYPTONITE: An idiotic nephew and a lifelong love of jumbo portions have left Phil with a fucked ticker. If you’re under 6ft 4in. DO YOU.. You’re an everyday schmuck who refuses to take any more of the world’s bullshit! SEE: Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver..kick them.. JUrY AnD GoDDAMn exeCUTIoner Portly. Someone knoCkS into you in the puB. You’re a scientist who’s had a bit of a weird lab accident that’s made you very strong and slightly wrong! SEE: Dr Bruce Banner in The Incredible Hulk. across the porch and right out of his house.

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or both? We can share it. ISSUE 148 FRONT 83 . spend a sexy evening with the coolest girl on Earth. Dress code: no tops Why hello. and people won’t look at you strangely. Pre-drinking rocks because you can go crazy. FaNcy bumpiNg iNto you here… We thought We’d stop by For a lemoNade. Let’s get the evening going like pros! [Laughs] We’ve already had a few at home before coming here. Natalie. or vodka..magazines for all cover girl NATAlie BlAir Natalie photography: Bartosz LudWInskI One night with.storemags & fantamag . from Carlilse From home to club (via taxi) and back again. What’s your poisoN? Can I be cheeky and ask for a jug of something nice and cool.. Blair 20. like a gin.

” 84 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . because you won’t get as much attention and it’s never as fun as you’d think. We try and be civilized.cover girl NATAlie BlAir Nat’s night out tip #1 Group nights out… “don’t go out in massive groups. but once we’ve had a few sambucas it just all goes out the window. there’s normally about two or three of us that go out. but we’re pretty loud.

magazines for all ISSUE 148 FRONT 85 .storemags & fantamag .

too. can you? tion of e cocktails. maN caN party… a party. an First ing off so Where do We hit up doing a spot of stripp to entertain WheN We go out. so Wh pre-goiNg out does your ritual iNvolve? ow! It’s Wouldn’t you like to kn girls having pillow fights actually you’re not eW W. so crazy as iN aN aNdr much… I’ll make a that missing out on KiNd oF crazy? boy. that’s the last tim yeah the sambucas usually gets r balls iN a a few We’ll Flash ou 86 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . Just der than you have punch at [Laughs] Hell yeah. but the tempta . like when big mix of alcohol. You someWhere about drinking at hom pubs. tas few cocktails.at else WetherspooNs. har l until it ke a pour spirits into a bow t! I’ve been known to ma tha d perhaps end tes nice. theN? and running around r? or t thing mecca biNgo? the spa everyone. in their underwear. It’s you want I don’t really go to rough can’t be free to do what get dirt-cheap great that you can in a pub.K. that’s the bes less classy? e.

magazines for all cover girl NATAlie BlAir ISSUE 148 FRONT 87 .storemags & fantamag .

” Nightbus or taxi? taxi – you can get up to all sorts in the back of one. and get everyone out on the town. but please. Your place or ours? Yours. 88 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . not everyone’s like they’re from an episode of skins. thanks. with blackcurrant. or anything.Nat’s night out tip #2 Making shit parties kick arse… “Just get more drinks down everyone’s necks. of course. I wouldn’t do something fucking crazy like get on the table and throw the bin across the room. Cheap jugs. treNDY club or olD-maN pub? trendy club. but with old-man pub karaoke. cheesY chatup or baD-ass DaNciNg? dancing. no pelvic thrusts. ’spooNs or Yates? ’spoons. I can throw my clothes around then. ciDer or lager? Cider. kebab or chips? Both! teetotal or total pissheaD? Pisshead. DuDe oN the DaNcefloor or bloke at the bar? dancefloor.

magazines for all cover girl NATAlie BlAir .storemags & fantamag .

cover girl NATAlie BlAir True PDF release: storemags & fantamag .

Is that what you really do? What if some knobhead spikes one of the drinks? nightclubs can be full of some pretty dodgy fellas. the shaKiNg serpeNt. What’s a messy Natalie blair liKe. and it means the evening is going to get very messy. I wouldn’t go psycho on him. I’d politely ask him to go away and try his groovy moves on some other poor. it’s called miNesWeepiNg aNd it’s really FuN. very quickly.magazines for all “An evening of sambucas is going to get better of me in there. theN? I’m quite good. and surprisingly polite. and lasses too. by the sounds of that I think that you could really impress me with your moves. I mean. are you buying all my drinks tonight? messy very very quickly” No problem. because We’ve iNveNted our oWN daNce move. Can I see you do it now? anyway. FuNNy you say that. in my experience. unsuspecting girl. if some drunken bloke came and danced like an idiot in front of me. We’ll just steal the oNes people have put doWN aNd ForgotteN about. Would you tell us to go aWay iF We did that iN FroNt oF you? no. for that matter… ISSUE 148 FRONT 91 . that’s disgusting.storemags & fantamag .

It does actually work for me.co. PAGES 84/85: JEAnS FROm newlook. as does a good smile.” STYLING: HAYLEY FORESTER HAIR & MAKEUP: BECKY RULE WITH THANKS TO THE BLACK HEART. squeeze your boobs and smile. so remember: next time you go out.co.uk. gREEn SHORTS FROm americanapparel. CAMDEN – OURBLACKHEART.co.uk. BRACES FROm americanapparel. though.uk .uk.ORAngE nECKLACE FROm allumer.com PAGES 98/99: diSnEY COUTURE TOp FROm truffleshuffle.COM. wingS nECKLACE FROm Zm925.com.uk PAGES 90/91: TigHTS FROm americanapparel.uk PAGES 94/95: BOBBLE HAT FROm etnies.co.co.co. but I don’t know if guys can get away with that.uk PAGES 86/87: JUmpER FROm newlook.92 FRONT ISSUE 148 Nat’s night out tip #3 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag Getting served at the bar… “You can squeeze your boobs together.co.

storemags & fantamag .magazines for all cover girl NATAlie BlAir ISSUE 148 FRONT 93 .

94 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag .

storemags & fantamag .magazines for all ISSUE 148 FRONT 95 .

“ are True PDF release: storemags & fantamag .

” cover girl NATAlie BlAir on hats good for getting up to all on sorts the back seat” . ‘Have you got Facebook?’ It’s fine to look for them afterwards.storemags & fantamag . but to ask just looks like you’re going to stalk them.magazines for all Nat’s night out tip #4 Chatting people up… “The worst thing you can say to someone is.

” ozy doing a bo 86 FRONT SEPTEMBER 2010 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . an forfeit. mend Rin recom ere game wh It’s a card cards a circle of you have in the pint glass at around a pick a card u middle. N me. hot m they’re as and stor jealous upor – We’d get st drunken ening off in a ev does an but hoW end? natalie se out With iend’s hou to a fr head back b some I’ll gra artying. li some rather see ks like a oy. a up roun sh. l uis louis Wa d a bit of Lo e I don’t min lls m mething te Walsh. Yo it relates to d random. I’d for more p y for on the wa ips cheesy ch sure there d make ing for energy. So to ’t be that in he he wouldn ick from T ay. He loo l Travie McC really coo . I’m no … comes up the sun t Nat’s nigh out tip #5 g Drinkin… games u. so I’d is a bit old ke pprentice A one cool.cover girl NATAlie BlAir love to uld you Who Wo at the to doWn bump in èque? We coth m off local dis nick fro it rd that hea tears sh entice oes the appr sd d here. an ooze wait lenty of b was p stop until t going to us. Guys are y when nice guy all ith. anyw . I’d a few of yo “If there’s g Of Fire. especi to go out w as Travie.

storemags & fantamag .STYLING: HAYLEY FORESTER HAIR & MAKEUP: BECKY RULE WITH THANKS TO THE BLACK HEART.COM. CAMDEN – OURBLACKHEART.magazines for all partying until the sun comes up” “I’m not going to stop ISSUE 148 FRONT 99 .

The science of

Sexual chemistry explained with Fae!

vey ur S

s tell u nd ot to you l ve lives, a our o y sked We a ive your l blabbed . you ou l Y.com e f y how ousand o RONTARM ers ar a th off on F read he over lls rt fellow xy ba hat your e sack ove se out w p to in th es… g Find ing u six pa gett next

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storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

A university in Bern, Switzerland asked women to sniff unwashed T-shirts from various blokes. It was discovered that they consistently preferred the stink of men who differed genetically from themselves and would therefore offer any offspring a better genetic resistance to

DO THEY SMELL ACE?

diseases like diabetes or the dreaded penis lurgy. Men also respond to smell, being more attracted to women who are just about to break open the Tampax. A UCLA study concluded that men found women’s scents considerably more appealing as they were nearing ovulation.

ure featence of love sci
IS THEIR FACE PERFECT?
Study after study have shown that both men and women are attracted to people with symmetrical facial features. Why? Because you subconsciously feel that if you get sexy with someone with a wonky mouth and frightening jumbo-ears, it’s a sign of underlying genetic problems doomed to end up in wonky babies (albeit with exceptionally good hearing).

Are you in love?
Take a long look at that girl you want to do the sex with. Does her nose look a bit like your massive hooter? Do her eyes look not unlike yours? Does her moustache turn up at the ends, just like yours? The answer is almost

DOES SHE LOOK LIKE YOU?
certainly ‘yes’. That’s because we tend to be attracted to people who physically look like us. Scientists have even shown this goes as far as middlefinger lengths, metabolic rate and ear size.

% 57
e of FRONT readers believ love at first sight in

DOES SHE LOOK LIKE YOUR MUM? OR DAD?

ARE HER BOOBS HUUUUUGE?

Men prefer bigger breasts. ‘No shit,’ you say, but it’s actually because of evolution. Harvard anthropologist Frank Marlowe reckons that bigger, heavier breasts go more noticeably south with age than itty-bitty titties, meaning that big’n’pert boobs are a sign of youth and fertility. Back when we were breeding-obsessed cavemen looking for a lass to mate with, a big firm set of juicy honkers let us know from a distance she was still capable of producing babies – a randy instinct that has remained in our salty balls till this day.

Greek mythology has it that we’re doomed to shag our mum and kill our dad, and the scientific truth isn’t far off. Numerous studies have proved that men are attracted to people who look like Mummy and girls want a man who look, behaves and even smells like Dad. Scientists claim it’s because we associate their facial characteristics with love, kindness and trust. And if you want to kill your dad? Well maybe he shouldn’t have grassed you up to Mum about that copy of Razzle.

33%
of you lot an ope would be u p fo nr you kin elationship r , ky fuc kers
ISSUE 148 FRONT 101

ure featence of love sci

Is she into you?
Fae says: “Yep, this is a fair-enough, dead-giveaway sign. There’s always a chance that she’s just talking to you to be friendly, but look at where the conversation is going. If she asks you three seemingly in-depth questions in a row, it looks like she likes you. See if she calls you things like ‘hun’ or ‘sugar’ and if she uses phrases like ‘I’m bored’ or ‘tell me something fun’. If she does, she’s

72%
of FRON T being h folk prefer itched-u being sin p to gle

SHE TALKS TO YOU ON FACEBOOK...

definitely into you.” FRONT RecOmmeNds: Take a picture of your newly washed cock and balls and tag your object of affection in it. It’s a sure way to gauge her reaction on Facebook. wORsT case: It wasn’t actually her flirting with you online – it was her older brother Boris. He’s liked you for a while now, and would very much like to take things further.

of FRONT readers consider themselves to be disliked by their partner’s parents

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PICTURES: SASHA DAVIES HAIR & MAKEUP: NICOLA HAFFENDEN

Fae says: “I’ve always thought it’s an annoying myth that if a girl likes you, she’ll touch you. Maybe if she’s touching your bum a lot, she likes you – otherwise, look out for more subtle signs. Most of the girls I know touch themselves when they’re around a guy they like. We touch our hair or hips to draw attention to the bits of us we want you to appreciate.”

SHE TOUCHES YOU...

FRONT RecOmmeNds: Take Fae’s advice and look out for a girl touching herself around you. Save time by just asking, ‘Do you touch yourself and think of me?’ The wORsT case: It turns out it was an aggressive rash after all, and she wasn’t getting touchy-feely by choice… Ah well, there’ll be plenty of opportunity to pick up girls down at the dermatologists.

storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

Fae says: “It’s possible that she might fancy you. I don’t know many girls who’d stare on purpose, though, or they might look a bit weird. The thing to look out for is if they’re trying to draw attention to themselves. If I liked a guy, I’d have a strut in front of him. It is nice when a guy makes good eye contact with you, though.” FRONT RecOmmeNds: Confront her! Something subtle like, ‘Hey, why are you staring at me?’ should do the trick. She’ll be so impressed by your confidence that you’ll be fumbling away in no time. The wORsT case: She’s bogeyed. The girl hasn’t been staring at you after all, but was looking at a funfair going on behind you. Ooof, bet you feel like a right clot now…

SHE’S STARING AT YOU...

WHICH RELATIONSHIP SUITS YOU BEST?
FRONT’S AgONy AuNT VON gIVeS uS THe SkINNy ON RelATIONSHIpS…
aRe yOu… A randy sailor? A frequent traveller? A hobo? TheN yOu’Re suiTed TO a… long-distance relationship
VON’s pROs: “Fuck staying in to watch The X Factor: the longdistancer enables you to party hard with your best mates while still knowing you have an end-of-week fumble to look forward to. plus, your other half might make naughty vids to keep the spice alive.” VON’s cONs: “No one wants to sit on a National express every fucking weekend watching some dirty tramp wank off into a bag. well, most people don’t…”

aRe yOu… Scared of commitment? Fond of an itchy scrotum? TheN yOu’Re suiTed TO aN… Open relationship
VON’s pROs: “you get to make up rules, and get a custom relationship – sort of like the Subway sarnie of love. you want ham? No worries. She wants a bit of salami inserted into your rectum? Have it your way, guys.” VON’s cONs: “Someone always gets hurt, or gets a disease. you don’t understand the true meaning of ‘hurt feelings’ until it comes up behind you and stabs you in the heart with an AIDSinfested spoon.”

Fae says: “Don’t read too much into this – she might just be cold, or a thief. A T-shirt is more of a giveaway. I used to steal them off guys because the smell reminded me of them.” FRONT RecOmmeNds: Crossdressing. It’s got nothing to do with what Fae said – we just tried it and it was a laugh. The wORsT case: She is indeed a thief, and has sold six of your hoodies down at the market. She also stole your belt, so you can’t wear trousers any more.

SHE BORROWS YOUR HOODIE...

aRe yOu… Indecisive? The tall one offa Friends? TheN yOu’Re suiTed TO aN… On-off sorta thing
VON’s pROs: “The sex is better than amazing. you’re constantly falling out then having deranged make-up romps. plus, you can go crazy in the sack and try something new every time.” VON’s cONs: “you should never get back with an ex, because it’ll just fuck you up. wondering who dumped his load on her pretty chin during the ‘in-between times’ is too much to take.”

aRe yOu… A lone ranger? Darren from Hollyoaks? TheN yOu’Re suiTed TO a… Fuck buddy
VON’s pROs: “you don’t need to worry about shit like falling in love, so nothing can possibly go wrong. There are no feelings involved whatsoever – to begin with.” VON’s cONs: “The other person often turns into a psycho and ends up thinking you’re prince Charles and they’re lady Di. In the end, you’ll both end up dead in a tunnel in paris. maybe not that extreme, but it does tend to end in shit.”
AUGUST

TOP

FIVE
yOuR TOp FIVe wAyS TO meeT FuTuRe lOVeRS…

1 THROUGH MATES 2 FRIENDS FIRST 3 AT A GIG 4 IN A NIGHTCLUB 5 AT THE PUB

How do I keep up our sexy 59% chemistry?
ad a ave h ers h ddy ad of re fuck bu
of re ader s chea have bee ted o n n

5% 5

WILL A SENSE OF HUMOUR GET YOU LAID?
In short, no. While girls often say that LOLs are one of the main things they look for in a dude, research suggests quite the opposite. Intensive studies of speed-daters have shown that, at a conscious level, men and women have no idea what really attracts them to one another and just end up going on looks.

HOW MANY ONE-NIGHT STANDS HAvE YOU GUYS EvER HAD?

WHAT’S MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP?
BODY 5% GOOD FASHION 2% COOL MATES 7% A PULSE 8% SEX 15% SKILLS IN THE KITCHEN 2% HUMOUR 61%

NEvER

36% 16% 30% 11% 7%
ONCE LESS THAN FIvE TIMES

OvER LESS THAN TEN TIMES TEN TIMES

SIM-WISE vs THE SEXPERT
MIX IT UP TALK FRUITY

IF SHE’S TIRED...

yOu’ve fInaLLy gOt It gOIng On, but hOW dO yOu turn that randy spark IntO a ragIng InfernO? sex educatIOn expert dr petra bOyntOn and frOnt’s OWn aLex sIm-WIse share theIr vIeWs…
The doc: “stop things going stale by mixing your sex life up a bit. start doing sex in a multitude of locations. try the kitchen, garden or even in a public place, but don’t do anything too illegal.” Sim-WiSe SayS: “If you're going to have sex in public, why not go all out and do it in a skip or in the middle of a packed disco dancefloor? If you're lacking a better half, just have a danger wank – maybe in a model village, or at a bieber concert.”

The doc: “getting a bit fruity with your pre-sex lingo is a great idea, and simply asking her how she wants to receive sex will get both of you hot under the collar.” Sim-WiSe SayS: “sexy talk can make you sound like enrique Iglesias’s bumbling cousin. most girls just want to be told that you want to fuck the shit out of them, so stick with that. If she hits you, it’s a bonus. under nO cIrcumstance should you ever talk like a baby.”

The doc: “One massive reason for dry spells is the old ‘I’m too tired’. If you share each other’s workload round the house, then the likelihood of a tired partner reduces and the chances of more adventurous sex goes up.” Sim-WiSe SayS: “If your other half says they’re too tired, just do what I do: put the rubber gloves on and role play like they are a criminal and you have to cavity search them because they are hiding illegal drugs. the more they complain, the better the game! If anything, it will definitely wake them up.”

SPILL THE BEANS

The doc: “sometimes it’s better to just tell the other person how you want to play things. this sexed-up foreplay is a winner, and can lead to insanely intense sessions.” Sim-WiSe SayS: “Women want to be told – they want to be pinned down and schooled in sex until they can’t walk any more. guys need to throw girls about. Imagine you’re patrick bateman in bed. patrick bateman is fIt. [Readers, please note: Sim-Wise is clearly joking here]

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Down a pint. and one in particular: oxtoycin. DRUGGIE LUST 2 After the lust comes the romance. deep down. eat a full foot-long Subway. y’see – the same neurotransmitter activated by hoovering up an ounce of cocaine. INSANE ATTRACTION when the lust has gone and the romance’s died. You loved-up druggie. start ignoring your mates and spend your weekends watching r-Patz rom-coms that. It will be the most memorable minute of her life. you. frontarmy. you secretly enjoy. we say. GAY FILM STAGE ISSUE 148 FRONT 105 . which is release by both sexes during orgasm. And who do we have to thank/ blame for this? Our loveable hormones. Make the most of that minute. it’s time to settle down. research has found that the changes in brain-chemistry during this stage can actually send you temporarily insane. Dopamine is released.storemags & fantamag .com for an exclusive sexy science wallpaper with Fae Go to THE THREE STAGES ScIentIStS hAve IDentIfIeD the three 1 StAgeS Of Sweet lUUUrve 3 the chemicals that fire off in your brain when you first lust after someone have a similar effect on the body as old fashioned heroin – making that initial feeling of fancying someone with large tits the body’s natural equivalent of shooting up behind co-op. just tell them to screw that little bit harder. light a fart and do your impression of a baboon. So if your mum and dad aren’t getting on.magazines for all ure featence of love sci ONE MINUTE TO KNOW IF IT WILL LAST An Ohio University study found that people could tell in the first minute or two whether they’re interested in a long-term relationship.

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anyway. Perhaps the weirdest was when some fella grabbed a big wooden barrel and chucked it at us as we played. Spencer offa traSH talk: aka. though. if you’re wanting to See traSH talk live.rash T lk TaYEah fuck Sty ON pictureS:g:DAN WILT lin WILL BARNES world’. He doeS backflipS tHe wHole time. you’d beSt be prepared… Hello tHere. 110 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . tHat’S very relaxed of you. so we don’t need no more people pissed at us. and people crowd surfing in kayaks and on surfboards and stuff. tHe moSt dangerouS band in tHe world… I don’t think of us as a band that are at all dangerous. Trying to dodge it was like something out of Donkey Kong. We don’t need the hassle of upsetting people any more. It’s a fucking free-for-all. We seem to attract trouble most places we go. Our fans can go fucking insane at gigs. Seeing people jump off speakers onto someone’s head and throwing shit around the pit is fucking nuts. we’ve Heard aSton from JlS reckonS HiS gigS are more dangerouS tHan yourS… Aston who? Who the fuck is that? He’S deadly. We’ll let him think his gigs are crazier than ours if he wants. wHat Sort of SHit getS cHucked about in tHe pit? I’ve seen trash cans and milkcrates being thrown about. I don’t want any beef. tHey’ve been dubbed ‘tHe moSt dangerouS band in tHe and you better believe it. We’ve had run-ins with bikers in Florida and Nazi bouncers in StokeOn-Trent. Whoever he is. but that’s what a punk gig should be like. well.

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Spencer (25. Garrett (25.com Toki ND Trainers £65. from esskateboarding. California. Sam (22. drums). from nikesportswear.com 112 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag .WHO THEY? Lee (22. guitar). vocals). bass).com Jeans £45. VOCALS) Raised By Wolves X Actual Pain T-shirt £25. SOUNDS LIKE: Getting punched in the throat by Converge. FROM: Sacramento. LEE (22. from 100percentfurious.

It’s real bad in the Deep South of the US. man. In some neighbourhoods people have a problem with the colour of my skin. too.com “Some guy chucked a wooden barrel on Stage – It waS lIke SomethIng out of donkey kong” ISSUE 148 FRONT 113 . bass) T-shirt £25. don’t you guys play ‘poo pileup’ on the road? Poo what now? spencer (25. from etnies. What do trash talk get up to on the road? We smoke a lot of weed together and hit a lot of Tony Hawk. You know when you walk into a room and you feel real unwelcome? That’s what it’s like all through those states.magazines for all Why do you think you attract so much trouble? I dunno. from indcsn. I’m pretty much a pro at staring out of windows. so When you’re not being given evils in the dirty south.com Jeans £55.storemags & fantamag .

“We got terrorized by a massive rat that flooded our house” 114 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag .

We love hitting up a fan’s party after a gig. vomit and baby poop around our house. or something. The guys reckon it was the size of a German Shepherd or an antelope. so It all pIles up. We came back from a show and stuff was floating down our hallway.magazines for all It’s where everyone takes a shIt and doesn’t flush. from flyingcoffin. That’s it.com Air Jordan Spizikes Trainers £90. the loser Is the pussy who has to flush It or does a sIck… You’re disgusting. bass) Cap £25. how dId thIs monster flood your house? This thing was huge. from witchcrafthardware. We’ve really fucked that place up. We’re saying it bit through a pipe. We can fuck shit up there and when the cops are called.com T-shirt £25.com ISSUE 148 FRONT 115 . it’s not our responsibility. Do you play that in the UK a lot? That explains why it smells like a haggard mix of fox shit.com Jeans £50. you’ve all been sharIng a place over here for the summer – are there any rules at trash talk hq? Anything goes. I’ll bring the whisky.storemags & fantamag . from emerica. We prefer crashing other people’s parties. gun-wIeldIng local for dInner? The closest we’re getting to uninvited guests is the massive rat that terrorized us and flooded our house. garrett (25. you should let us organIse a front facebook party round at yours. what about InvItIng a pukestaIned. to be honest. from jumpman23. though. There’s only one rule: no smoking inside.

or something. It goes. two-balled bitch. I reckon I’d hide in the bathroom so I never had to leave. Our drummer. finally. so I’d probably get freaked out to shit if I met Mick. and I was raised on The Rolling Stones.com 116 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . from emerica. is a massive Maiden fan. give us your Best trash talk. DruMs) Shirt £50. A big thanks to everyone who came down to the shoot on the day – we love you all. Miss out on all the action? Make sure you never do again – get over to the FRONT Facebook page for info on future fun-times saM (22. tittysucking. eight. Yo’ mama’s glass eye with a fish in it. Sam. My favourite is one I learnt back in the playgrounds of school. but not till they’re much older. Like. “You mother-fucking.” I’m gonna teach my kids that shit. gooD plan.Both Bruce Dickinson anD Mick Jagger’s sons are Big fans – ever thought of partying at their places? That’d be nuts.

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THE MAN KNOWN TO HIS NAN AS DEVONTE LETS FRONT TREAD MUD INTO THE CARPET OF HIS NEW YORK APARTMENT Rea ln liv ame: D es: Bro evont e age oklyn.” BOOkS “Patricia Highsmith is one of my favourite authors – I have all of her books. I got this book of his scores on London’s Southbank. The best one is where the photographer was taking pictures in a restaurant.” PICTURE: CHRISTOPHER MALLEN LIGHTSPEED CHAMPION AT HOME wITH.BEETHOvEN “I’ve got a piano in my bedroom and the Beethoven scores are from when I was 13. Chopin is my favourite composer.. because my mate is good friends with their singer. and some newspaper clippings from the day that she died that I bought in a flea market in Paris. when he went over to take it. but I never started it.co m 122 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . Bizarre. I’ve tried reading one of Stephenie Meyer’s books before. I was in LA a while ago and I woke up on my friend’s couch.” TwILIGHT “I haven’t even read it. but it was so badly written that I couldn’t get past the first page. I have a load of comics around here.. His girlfriend was going to work and I asked her for a book to read to take my mind off it. hungover. I’m a big Peanuts fan. Hyne NYC s ligh Che : 24 tspe Ck ou edc t: ham pio n. just lying about. Matt. there was just this weird iron sculpture. and this guy came up and asked if he could take a picture of his bird – only. too.” PHOTO PrINTS “A lot of them are to do with the band Nada Surf. The other scores are actually mine.

mics h n we took t t moved in co e s ● Wh ad only ju e out of liv te h Devon ’t normally us. I’ve got all of his books and all of his movies. so I got it. told don “I es. After that. I read up about how Kiss had released these four solo records in order to speed up their record deal.” Yankees CaP “I like the Yankees.storemags & fantamag .” kiss albums “When I first came to New York. but the main reason I got it is because it’s the hat that Short Round wears in Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom. for a dollar.” peed Lights s of ie es his te tak rom the ser per. My friend plays in the band We Are Scientists and he got me this poster for my last birthday. Two of them were in Academy Records. I take all my photos on it.” he box ISSUE 148 FRONT 123 . Cham e used to sc his picture . I’m still searching for Ace Frehley’s. I went to a dollar store in Chinatown one day and saw this. on ● Dev n name f s a nip rawl a pio . and the other was in the city somewhere.” Camera “I like to take photos on Kodak cameras. fully packaged. I spent a month trying to find all the Kiss solo records.magazines for all Film Poster “I’m a huge Steve Martin fan. I need to get it framed at some point. which is near my house.

A guy did this in his basement. busting out of the fiery pits of hell. Silverstein and Hawthorne Heights in 2005. USA illiam NECK PIECE Contro FACT: and Aiden.124 FRONT ISSUE 148 TATTOOS NAME : Wil F ra F JOB: F ROM: Seatt ncis ront m le an of W . to be honest. and had to drive the van in the snow on a notoriously dangerous road to Salt Lake City. The a thin y Rich g ie film song Love Will Tear Us Apart holds s. a skate-punk band I played in around 1999. I guess I never gave a fuck about getting a proper job. It was one of my first tattoos.” . but I’ve covered that up now.” “We were on tour with Bayside. on Halloween. a lot of meaning for me in terms of love and stuff. He died at the scene.” HALLOWEEN BEATZ MISFITS “Classic fucking Misfits tattoo. l “Joy Division is one of my Wil he re has for Gu favourite bands of all time. I love how he’s tearing at the flesh. My actual first was a band of fire around my arm.” life in ink MY FIRST BAND SKULL “I told my artist I wanted a skull with a bit of evil in there. their drummer. I had it touched up and some shading added to make it like this. and that John Beatz. At about 5am. I only had about four tattoos before I got my neck done. They’re hands-down my favourite band. and he freehanded it all. wouldn’t make it. and it was pretty shitty.” True PDF release: storemags & fantamag Wil francis THE william conTrol anD aiDEn FronT man HaS TaTTooS DESiGnED BY HiS SEvEnYEar-olD niEcE “This is my old band. we got a call saying that Bayside had crashed.

’ Basically. This was painful. Illinois. I think it’s fucking great. I used to paint this and thought it was an ace idea to get it on my body. She was like. but I can only sit for about an hour now before I start crying.” JACK SKELLINGTON INFLICT “This was a stupid tattoo I got when I was a juvenile delinquent and spraying walls. live as you’ll die today. man. I did the outline in one sitting in a couple of hours. so I did.co. the fucking ribs. He died when he was 24. or something. so who knows when I’ll be hit by a bus. I’d never be this covered if I had to fucking pay for them!” “My niece drew a picture of Jack from The Nightmare Before Christmas when she was seven. I was doing merch for a band called Zeke when I was 19.” PIN-UP “This was my first colour tattoo. at most NAME: Joe Best AGE: 21 WHO/WHERE: Blaze Tattoo. Canterbury PRICE: £80 PAIN RATING: One or two NAME: Fran Merricks AGE: 18 WHO/WHERE: Shaun Bailey. So many of my tattoos were free.” LIVE FAST “I’m a massive James Dean fan. why did you do that?’ when I showed her.magazines for all PICTURES: JESSICA LONG readers’ INK NAME: Hanzel Sanchez AGE: 19 WHO/WHERE: Matt at Private Ink. USA PRICE: £600 NAME: Tom Foster AGE: 23 WHO/WHERE: Thrax at Devil’s Own. Leicester PRICE: £200 PAIN RATING: 3/5 ND SEYOUR S US OO PIC TATT 5 946 17 60 @ : 077 t TEXT AIL: fron k E-M rmy.u nta fro NAME: Dean Coughlin AGE: 18 WHO/WHERE: Liverpool Ink PRICE: Nothing PAIN RATING: One. ‘Oh my god. Manchester PRICE: £250 PAIN RATING: 3/5 ISSUE 148 FRONT 125 . and a real idiot.PIRATE SHIP “Ah. and an artist invited me down for free. I’m never gonna have it finished – my pain threshold has gone to shit. I was really young.” storemags & fantamag . I just wanna live my life to the full. I love his mantra of ‘Dream as you’ll live forever. Blue Blood Studios. and told me to get him tattooed.

this means that her vagina has had an actual human fall out of it – and do you really want to see that? The only sensible solution here is to befriend the husband. like underground or in a sleeping bag. Relieve yourself by writing to facebook. Matt. Try screwing around where Jesus can’t see you. Lottie – the exact same thing happened with me and my bezzie mate. my dick got bitten by a mosquito. but i can’t disappoint Jesus. Plus. to be fair. You need to be pretty heartless and dead inside to get away with that sort of behaviour. Andrew. what shall i do? Matt. or are slightly creepy. Bristol If you just like her and you ‘think’ that she likes you. there’s this girl i like and i think she likes me. You don’t want it getting in the way. if she has a child.com/frontmag front@frontarmy. what should i do? i don’t want to lose her.Is your groin a confused area? Let Von straighten it out. you ripped my balls off. don’T film The acTion Too up-close: try and use a tripod and move it around accordingly. then don’t go there.co. then convince him over time that he’d be happier packing his bags and moving to Spain. still live with their mums. i have decided to become a devout christian – but my girlfriend just doesn’t understand that i won’t have sex with her until we’re married. an actual script. like. after all. a Anal wk ee in Dors kend et Best of Big Bre 126 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . pretty normal problem. and your bird really isn’t that nice with her clothes off. London Some girls love role play. The thing is. apparently. but if it’s just sex then what’s the problem? If you think you can handle that. leaving you free to move in on the lonely lady. and when you stop feeling any remorse for their silly little furry lungs filling with water.” but yours is truly fucked. “I can’t. you’re good and ready to give your mate the come-on. but your main problem is that LARPing is essentially for guys who can’t grow facial hair. and. to be fair. You’re best sticking to cracking one out in your room over the ladies in your mind and leave us real girls alone. G’luck! whaT would Jesus say? after an epiphany that involved seeing Jesus’s face in a pot noodle. perhaps over a game of golf or something shit. like. you’ll be fine – but if you can’t emotionally detach yourself. Either will do. don’T geT Too drunk – I once had six cans of Stella and thought it’d be a good idea to do unspeakable things with my then-boyfriend on film.uk TXT 07717 605 946 how can i ruin a happy marriage? dear von. via text I can relate. do have some kind of scripT – not. Maybe start by drowning bags full of kittens. a lot of my other close mates too… You’re right. i’m lonely. and should really know why i’m really into live action role play. however. York I’ve heard some excuses before. The long game will give the kid time to grow up and move out. though: it can really screw a friendship over. but i’m finding it hard to get a lady to share it with. It wasn’t. Close-ups of your jiggling man-tits aren’t sexy. And don’T show your maTes: you are most certainly not an actual porn star. “Last time.” or. what should i do? are there any kinky larping forums that you know of? Tobias. Tobias. other than if i lose him as my bezzie chum i also lose my most favouritist drinking buddy. she’s got a husband and a kid. she doesn’T beaT around The bush unless she’s had a few pinTs and feels a biT playful should we JusT sTay as maTes? my best mate is rather taken by my lady bits. any words of wisdom? Lottie. but a line or two always spices it up for me. be done VERY badly. Or just fuck off out of my sight. PHOTOGRAPHY: ZOË MCCONNELL STYLING: HAYLEY FORESTER HAIR & MAKEUP: WUESE HOUSTON-JIBO USING ‘SLEEK’ #17 HOME VIDEOS NAUGHTY Filming myself having sex is something I try to do as much as possible – you really can’t beat rubbing one out over your very own sexual prowess the next morning. It can. They’re a pain like that. there’s a (pretty big) chance that she actually doesn’t. von. please – retardedness is pretty contagious.

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that’s el. so ste. yet t out fucking murd s to pu it! continue od damn lbums? g nna kill a go if you’re ave some h mebody. too?” s . isn’t it Do you g ? o up to c ripple and dan ce. p136 ISSUE 148 FRONT 129 “the w smokers orst kind of no nare up to yo the ones that co u and co me ug pretty fu cking cru h. FILMS & DVDS.magazines for all ENTERTAIN YER BRAIN “the cop s over and would pull me i’d be so drunk i’ be out to d the thinkin ir headlights g i made it to another club.” cking ta fu LOLS FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE DeaD cult comeDian Bill Hicks packs in some gags from tHe grave witH tHe release of His essential collection.storemags & fantamag .” d in a worl s “we live nnon wa w hn le where Jo Barry manilo ered.

BILL AND TED IT When you’ve finished in career mode. there’s more drama going on than in ten EastEnders Christmas episodes. This latest wrasslin’ game is the closest to life in the actual WWE you can get without putting your sister’s swimming costume on back to front and moving to America. HELL IN A CELL The skill Hell In A Cell mode lets you compete in the kind of match that had that amazing Mick Foleycrashing-through-a-cage moment in it. True PDF release: storemags & fantamag SI M-WISE REVIE W . which THQ are particularly stoked about. Fuck that. lets other wrestlers throw down challenges which you can rise to or wuss out of depending on how hard you are. like Bill S Preston and Ted Theodore Logan. you can take a look back through your high and low points using a time-travelling phone booth. In any one week of the WWE. ✪✪✪✪ CREATE A MOVE A bit like a super-muscly version of the old Tony Hawk create-a-move mode. My wrestler was called Fanny Fart and was the handsomest fighter ever – I felt a weird mixture of a mother’s pride and a bit of a stirring as he got the shit kicked out of him. Released 29 October Wrestling is so much more than just men wearing leotards having competitions to see who’s the best at cuddling. you can connect a sequence of moves together to come up with your own trademark manoeuvre.S BY ALEX WRASSLIN’ WWE SMACKDOWN VS RAW 2011 360/pS3/WII than ever – you can even create signs for enthusiastic crowd members to hold up. The career mode. The Create A Wrestler mode is more advanced IN A NUTSHELL Violent hunks in girly trunks artfully beatung the fuckery out of each other.

Out now ODYSSEY tO tHE WESt 360/PS3 NiNja Theory are the gaming developers best known for bringing an ace slice of Hollywood to their video games. For those who prefer Battlefield’s multiplayer to COD’s. it’s been relaunched and for the first time EVAR they have expanded outside of their traditional WWII territory and set it in Afghanistan. don’t play this game with your girlfriend if you don’t want her to get funny ideas. After a plane crash in a EnSLAVED in A nutSHELL chinese legends + lightsaber thingies = a jolly nice tiMe For all. Oh. there was Medal Of Honor. You use various decoy tactics to stealthily get round stuff. they weren’t his). was so awesome that we heard one guy chopped off ten fingers in an act of appreciation (thankfully. it’s a bit of a tactical puzzler and your main job is to protect Trip – she’s a total girl and can’t fight. and if you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to be a Taliban. SiM-WiSE’S GAMES i’D LikE tO SEE ADVEntuRE Lady post-apocalyptic New York. with scripts and stories and cinematography and all that big-word malarkey. Created in 1999 by Steven Spielberg. our main man Monkey awakes to find that the rather lovely (if not entirely trustworthy) Trip has made him her slave by putting a headband on him that will slice his nuts off or something if he doesn’t do what she says. Their last game. Heavenly Sword. all the missions sound like Gallows song titles. Campaign mode sees you Most realisticy big boys don’t cry FPs this side oF Kabul. Amazing. Their latest offering. ✪✪✪ ISSUE 148 FRONT 131 . Now. and the game features realistic AI and team banter and destructible environments. it was kinda like being in Saving Private Ryan. Needless to say. So. Enslaved.storemags & fantamag . but it also has the most powerful graphics capabilities. Hardcore. a bit good. ever. but with this latest addition they’re gone one step further and created the most powerful 11-inch gaming laptop in the universe. in A nutSHELL ✪✪✪✪ Anyone who knows their PC gaming shit knows that Alienware are pretty darn special. Tricky. but more ace. Gameplay wise. although you can go apeshit with your light saber thing if you want. so you don’t get bored. Great for nerding out on the go and “especially good for gaming on the shitter” according to our resident games/shitting expert. 16: LADY in RED You are Chris De Burgh and you have to get through a dancefloor of angry red ladies without getting stabbed in the face and the gut. this game is for you as its multiplayer is specifically handled by the same team behind all the Battlefield titles (DICE). over ten years later. All in all. is loosely based on the classic Chinese story Journey To The West. you can play as them too… Out now Before Call of DuTy was even a twinkling in the sweat bead of a hairy palmed gamer. In Re d nO. like.magazines for all GAMinG nEWS AlienwAre M11x WAR MEDAL OF HOnOR 360/PS3/PC alternating between ‘Tier One’ stealthy assassin-style play and ‘Big Military’ run-in-and-kill stuff. not only is it small and light with lots of battery life. Plus. Oooohhhh.

Leeds three-piece Dinosaur Pile-Up are on a mission to introduce a whole new generation to the primal. You’ll need: a plaid shirt. Anyway. True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . Seattledwelling. we’d probably never have had emo. torn jeans. and if their awwwesome debut album doesn’t kick-start a mini revival of lumberjack shirts. ain’t it. all the time. a goatee. GRUNGE REVIVAL IS GO! IN A NUTSHELL ✪✪✪✪ HOW TO START A GRUNGE BAND ENDLESS PROBLEMS You need to be all sadface. we’ll eat our bong-waterstained Sub Pop T-shirts. Remember to further compound your misery by scoffing hard drugs on an hourly basis. military boots. gloomy fun of grunge. but if it wasn’t for all those scruffy-dressing. smack-injecting bands coming along in the early ’90s and taking over the world with their gnarly punk-metal sludge. If you can work in a bit of actual bi-polar disorder. rock music might still be all about Spandex leggings. we’d also never have had Nickelback. or post-hardcore. then bingo! Grunge boasted the least sexy yoof-cult look ever – it’s a wonder anyone got laid between 1991 and 1995. Granted. all the better. but it’s swings and roundabouts. If the noise coming out of your amp is making your bowels spasm. GRIMY RIFFERY MaNKY CLOtHES Grunge guitarists used dropped-D tuning and Big Muff effects pedals to get that all important drowning-inmud sound. or metalcore. grunting. or any of that sort of lark. shouty sadness and people blowing their motherflippin’ heads off with shotguns. lady-man hairdos and widdly-diddly solos. and a week of sleeping rough.GRuNGE DOESN’t aLwaYS get its due. If grunge hadn’t kicked down the mainstream’s door. Out now GROWING PAINS DINOSAUR PILE-UP GRUNGE music THE SNARLING SPIRIT OF 1993 SEATTLE IS ALIVE AND WELL IN 2010 LEEDS.

which will be either drum’n’bassoon or allotment techno. DANCE ✪ ✪✪✪ ELECTRO ✪✪✪ GENERATION HEXED Since killjoy chineSe chemical companies ceased producing one of the key ingredients and global MDMA supplies dried up. hip-hop. so if you were only into it to be all underground and trendy. because pissed-up and fighty is how we roll. quality and overall stylishness of their merchandising. Out now ✪ ✪✪✪ DUBSTEP ✪ ✪ ✪✪ MAGNETIC MAN MAGNETIC MAN This knobtwiddlin’ supergroup – made up of Skream. galloping drums and breathless punky songs. by keeping things fast. Youth Blood and Everybody Bleeding. it’s noisy-arse electro. ✪ ✪ ✪✪ ✪✪ ISSUE 148 FRONT 133 . IN A NUTSHELL Always-awesome UK label Ninja Tune is celebrating its twentieth anniversary with the box set to end all box sets: six seven-inches. One of the best of this new wave of angry-arse murder-rave DRUMS OF DEATH is Scotland’s Drums Of Death. Thwomp Stomp. and completely fucking hideous at 10am. barge holidays and mantelpiece trinkets. Released 11 October POP-PUNK FASTER FASTER FUNNER FUNNER GIRLS GIRLS CHUGGA CHUGGA FASTER FASTER STOP. galloping drums and breathless punky songs. Roots Manuva and Spank Rock. a huge hardback book. posters. so we were surprised to discover that this Welsh outfit actually write tender folk ditties about kitten’s noses. It’s like listening to someone have a tuneful row with themselves. noisy and face-slappingly upbeat. Out now VARIOUS FABRICLIVE 53: DROP THE LIME You can tell that Drop The Lime’s Fabric mix CD series is situated down the more mental end of dance music just by looking at some of the track titles: there’s tunes on here called Brrrap!. it’s the most exhilarating music in the world – like being launched out of a clown-shaped cannon into a pile of lubricated gymnast girls. you’d better move on to the next ultracool thing. y’know. their T-shirts are really nice – you can tell a lot about a band by the cut. THEN WAFTS IT UP OUR NOSES. Benga and Artwork – have taken dubstep out of dingy spliffed-up clubs and whooshed it straight into the top five. Not really. stickers.storemags & fantamag . dance music has shifted away from ‘loved-up and huggy’ over to ‘pissed-up and fighty’ – suits us just fine. On their second album. Released 11 October ROCK THE LATEST FASHION you’d probably expect a band with a name like Attack! Attack! to be all about high-octane guitars. Basically. who makes a clattering electro racket that sounds entirely amazing at 3am. Philadelphia’s The Wonder Years regularly reach the dizzy heights of pop-punk giants like THE UPSIDES THE WONDER YEARS New Found Glory and Blink-182. readers: they’re all about ATTACK! ATTACK! high-octane guitars. and six (count ’em) CDs of new music from the likes of Diplo. dubstep. ladies. and they’re very good at it. Out now PICTURE: TOM BARNES IN A NUTSHELL WALES BURPS UP YET MORE MOSHPOP. dubstep and techno for getting coppers into headlocks to. Released 13 October IN A NUTSHELL RAVE MUSIC FOR REAL MEN WITH TWITCHING FISTS AND VAST BALLBAGS. If you like electro. drum’n’bass etc etc then you neeeed this off Santa for Christmas. Plus.magazines for all FURTHER LISTENINGS ALL SORTS VARIOUS NINJA TUNE XX When pop-punk is good.

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HAIRBOND hairbond.uk URBANZ What’s better than a smart new pair of headphones? A 20% discount with the code Frontarmy20. no matter how totally insane. that’s what.magazines for all CONTACT To be FeATU Re D he Re e-m Ail co nTAc T De TA ils To ess enT iAl s@ FRo nTA Rm y.U k LIFESTYLE Hairbond aim to smarten up the scruffy hair of young males all over with their luxury line of proper cool hair products. Picture frames that allow owners to display album covers on their wall. Go put that claim to the test. Get online and make the most of it.c o.com thecanvaslounge. DYO can print whatever the flip you want. urbanz.uk ART VINYL THE CANVAS LOUNGE Contemporary canvas art prints from a range of artists.co.T IA L S DYO – TSHIRT The newest thing in T-shirt printing.uk wrappz.com storemags & fantamag . All items are highquality and limited edition. Use your own art or choose from the gallery to keep anything from iPods to games consoles mint.co. The Play & Display design means albums can be easily swapped over and that the thickness of different records can be accommodated. illustrators and photographers. artvinyl. with subjects ranging from cityscapes and pop art to erotica and graffiti. dyo-tshirt.co. WRAPPZ Wrap up all of your prized technology with these skill custom skins.com ISSUE 148 FRONT 135 .

Sounds silly-as-shit? Well it is. I think they knew we had True PDF release: storemags & fantamag . but. I just sent an e-mail to Iggy Pop and after a show I showed him the script. Writer. I was nervous talking to all these legends. R niu k e fra ector StWrite /dir Q&a ob what’s this crazy madness you’ve gone and created. which gives you a weird sense of payback… Released 18 October A new vAmpire yArn is often a bit like the last soggy doughnut in the bag: you certainly don’t need it. but they couldn’t have been cooler. Suck has its blood-covered tongue very much shoved in its pasty cheek. it’s been a long time coming. their bass player goes home with a vampire. Plus. I wrote the script six years ago – the bandwagon helped with the initial financing. it’s easier to get others. Thankfully. you get to see Moby having the life sucked out of him. one night. alice cooper. 4 / 5 in a nUtSHell Vampires + hard rock – pattinson’s fanny head = sweeeet. Then their fortunes start to change… is this a bit of a ‘jump on the vampire wagon’ thing? No. vampireS SUcK The story centres on a small-town band who find that falling victim to fangy fuckers does wonders for their music career. and roped in the legendary likes of Henry Rollins. but it’s also pretty wicked and is a nice antidote to an increasingly tired genre. and Alice Cooper joined because he knew the whole cast through playing golf with them. then. there’s always room to shove another one in for good measure. by god. and that’s pretty much it. most of the titans of rock get nibbled to bits at one point or another. Then others got involved. Along the way. you probably won’t enjoy it. were there any divastyle hissy-fits? They were all awesome.D V FILMS & DVDs D Starring: Henry rollinS. [Laughs] how did you get all the big-shot names on board? It’s a domino effect: once you get one name on board. director and star of the show Rob Stefaniuk has decided to put a big dirty rock twist on the genre. not to mention their sex lives. There were no outrageous requests. Alice Cooper and Iggy Pop to come along for the ride. rob? It’s a rock ’n’ roll vampire movie about a band who aren’t getting anywhere until. but I knew that the time my movie got released would be the day when it was over.

unleSS you’Re a ChIlean MIneR Starring Ryan Reynolds and his boss-eyes In cinemas now BURIED FLICKS 4/ TAKERS Starring: Matt Dillon In cinemas now 5 FLICKS you can’t beat a shameless heist flick. and. “hi.magazines for all ALSO OUT aweSoMe. why not. to the choice for ambridge that. god… they smell like… roses. more importantly. What do alice cooper’s farts smell like? oh. so it was fun to really go to town on them. Val Kilmer Out now FuRtheR pRooF that the gooD DIe young (paul DanIelS IS 72) 3/ 5 CRookeD Cop not takIng any ShIt. Folk Festiv BAD LIEUTENANT: PORT OF CALL: NEW ORLEANS Starring Nicolas Cage. ISSUE 148 FRONT 137 . y’heaR? 3/ 5 no money to spend on them anyway.” then walk off. JONAS: ROCK STARS IN THE HOUSE Ignoring the ballsout audacity of the Jonas Brothers calling themselves ‘rock stars’. I didn’t want them to just walk on and say. whic Bloodstock e festival of tally be th undead. one where you could easily swap your brain for a bucket of popcorn in the foyer BlowIng ShIt up FoR the Sake oF It.storemags & fantamag . MY FAMILY VE SERIES 10 R SWE IS TH More laughs were likely to have been had in the Fritzl family home than with this out-dated televisual tit – and that’s even without the addition of Josef’s legendary Basement Standup Comedy Club. if we wanted to watch three virgins prancing about like dickheads we’d buy a DVD of Cliff Richard doing a show with Jedward and SuBo. [laughs] Was it a hoot dreaming up the grizzly deaths for your rock heroes? absolutely. I’m Iggy pop. of course. or C al. eh? 2/ 5 BILL HICKS: THE ESSENTIAL COLLECTION Starring: Eddie Murphy (jokes!) Out now l an officia Suck was pic is year’s e f th sponsor o h would .

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storemags & fantamag . W hether it’s through the mag or on the website. “Gaylords say what?” FRONT IS NOT A LADS’ MA Lads’ mags G are. lett ers. it means telling us to put Mika its on the people in su sabled donkey u. e-mails and texts: w e fucking love ’em all. they’r not d will t s wea fa uine an e. geni T HE NT INDEPENDE MAGby some evil d tler time b efore globa 94 – a when you l terrorism could leav . felching a di yo en only to cover. On the plus et paper in toil to listen to we don’t have side. We won’t even st op to wipe th e sweetcorn bi ts of f first. tell us what you want to see in FRO NT and we’ll pull out our finger an d get it done . FRONT is ue legends. like. fide gen t high altitud de a explo FRONT KE NO FA S BhOrOdBs: all boaoirbswe r t . We list ed-yetr semi-derang ou us readers.magazines for all MANIFESTO ig he That’s r re as real as t of a ’re par t FRONT e r t h e y f r om a in he t h g . ea e THE owne es we FRONT is not ough sometim have oration. so gen 19 Me llisa Cla rke mments.W hangin bona breathe lady or e a lovely ty dude. wh staring dea th in the fa o when ce shake it by the h and and pro claim. WE HEAR YOUR PAIN Your co E 4th NOVEMBER ON SAL NEXT ISSUE . e a £50 note a pub and in it would st ill be there week later a (wit a mag for tr h interest). alth corp we might cause then wish it was be our bogs.

thinks-he’s-betterthan-everyone. the cunt. “We in his cunting way dont say ‘hi’. bullsh itGam eshow cunt. and furthermore anyone who disagrees is also a CUNT. smartsuited. this chunky cunt-head! ang our us know ad y Let 946 . NEW ENtry Enjoying-his-own-gash-no t-worth-it-shit-too-much cunt. efron’s a plastic-faced wanker with no soul. via text days? You can’t even get a he’s on telly far too much. Anon. Dan. always telling bono people what they mean Why-don’t-you-just-fuck t -off cunt. talksto-people-like-they’reinfants. ive u of frant rds and s the la G s was in blackadder. cunt.co 0 tXt front t@ fron frY Eerily smooth-faced cunt. big-girls’-b louse vampire cunt. weirdo) – it’s even in his name. certainly. nevertheless. via text fine call. Cunt! the C ntDown Grin ni nG. and steve Jones is far too fucking handsome. twats following What’s that got to do with him on Twitter. he bottled cider. T IN I’M B O G PO YO S! O. Cunt! 142 FRONT ISSUE 148 True PDF release: storemags & fantamag righ NEW ENtry Stephen Fry is a cunt of such Leather-wearing. Danimal (nice name. nameless texter. via e-mail matt’s alright. dodgy haircut and cunty smirk. but we the man’s a dreadful cunt ’s o still can’t quite bring wh ing?ou to ther alright. uncle a cunt. a ken dolllooking arse of a cunt. onto the Cuntdown with oint into wo te acro p : er spi for Christ’s sake. actually. phantom cunt Matt Allwright from BBC’s Rogue Traders. He is such a massive cunt. but he’s on the side of good. I defy any man who argues otherwise. robert pattin eDwarD CuLLen aLLwright If anybody should be on The Cuntdown. Chepstow Jaiden (nice name.uk spre 605 7717 army. calling You want a cunt? That him a cunt fat. he’a bit of a knob. getting an extra fiver in Nail the cunt to your account? In fact. goateed cunt from would be shit that cunting Halifax because he’d explain advert who goes. he actually makes you feel sorry for the ‘rogues’ he stings on the show. why can’t the fucking cunt just fucking get on with it? He’s also stolen the name of one of the best guitarists in the world. sparkly. Jaiden Barrett. consum t er-rights cunt. magnitude. it’s that smug. Fuck him in his stupid ass. via text up about twitter. fuck it.now aCCepting internationaL entrants Due to popuLar DemanD Y E A UM . uri geLLer so Isoceles-triangle-faced cun n t. weirdo). to say and why they are wrong for saying what they are. patronising. self-satisfi ed wanker Eggcunt. we say ‘high why he wasn’t to five!’” and then plays his millions of Spandau Ballet’s Gold. The Danimal. mark ronson t t t t t CJ De mooi Spoon-wrecking cunt. ZaC efron Spangly. Complete and utter cunt. we can. world’S BIGGEST the firm-but-fair page that sorts the raging arsehoLes from the minor wankers efron How is Zac fucking Efron not on The Cuntdown already? For too long this American pretty boy has been assaulting our eyes and ears with his shitty movies. you’ve phrased this argument so concisely that we can’t help but agree. On 101 Ways To Leave A Cunting Show. it’s a very poor man’s total wipeout. although a ourselves to declare fiver’ll still get you pissed iss i es y t y u munt! Who relnce? PuROo T the nation’s fruitiest if you spend it on plasticN ol sac let F ic vi nd. and is it just us or are 96 or so of the ‘ways to leave a gameshow’ absolutely identical? there are only so many times you can see someone slowly fall into a swimming pool before concluding someone’s short on ideas. In fact. what The Cuntdown! good is an extra fiver these Matt. round in with a fiver! Cunt! and needs to shut the fuck Dan. so we can’t hold him up as being a cunt. Jones I don’t think I really need to explain why Steve Jones deserves to be on The Cuntdown. NEW ENtry matt aLLw haLifaX man PICTURES: RETNA . with this holierthan-thou attitude and slightly dickish ways. I hope he and his cunt bike fuck off to hell. steVe Jones the haLifaX Cunt Transatlantic.

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