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9
F O R E P L AY, N O T “ B O R E P L AY ”

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hink back to the beginning of your relationship: You probably spent some serious time just making out. To paraphrase the song, you didn’t have to

take your clothes off to have a good time—you and your partner were happy just to enjoy long, langorous evenings of kissing, touching, and rubbing longingly against each other as you anticipated finally having sex. Fast-forward a few years (or ten, or twenty). These days, you’re probably happy if you get any foreplay before the main event. But just like intercourse itself, foreplay can get kind of, well, routine. Sometimes it can feel as if you’re both going through the motions and can predict each other’s moves like clockwork. A little kissing here, a hand on a breast or penis there, some oral sex that starts to feel downright obligatory. Before you know it, the excitement and variety of foreplay has turned into “boreplay.” We can’t blame you. There’s something to be said for feeling comfortable— if it ain’t broke, why fix it, right? But knowing exactly how to get your partner off may mean that you put less effort into turning him on, and vice versa. You forego the appetizer and go straight for the main course. And guys certainly aren’t the only ones to blame. Some women just tend to assume that men don’t care about foreplay, so they just skip ahead to intercourse. The fact is that men typically orgasm more quickly, or with greater ease,

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than many women. The late Dr. Alfred C. Kinsey found that up to 75 percent of men ejaculate within the first few minutes of intercourse. And, as you’ll learn in part 10 of this book, nearly one out of three men experience premature ejaculation. Yet research suggests that both genders still crave a little extra attention. A 2004 study found that both women and men want more foreplay—about eighteen minutes on average. This sexual buildup is a crucial part of a healthy, satisfying sex life because it helps you become lubricated and gives him a stronger erection. Still, many couples only enjoy a few minutes of foreplay before moving on to intercourse. Now consider that researchers from the University of Chicago have found that men reach orgasm during intercourse far more consistently than do women, and that three-fourths of men—but less than a third of women—always have orgasms as part of intercourse. The bottom line: You’re not doing yourself any favors by skipping over foreplay, and you could be missing out on more opportunities for pleasure. That’s why Ian usually recommends that most couples aim for about fifteen to twenty minutes of foreplay. (We’re not suggesting you incorporate a stopwatch into your bedroom routine, but you may want to pay attention to how much time has passed the first few times you try extending foreplay, just to get a general idea.) Of course, it’s not just the amount of foreplay, but the quality that counts. So take the time to enjoy every moment. Bring back the mystery you once felt by keeping your clothes on for a while: A layer of fabric—whether silk, satin, cotton, or denim—between your partner’s hand and your body can create all sorts of different sensations. Focus on kissing each other while slowly removing one item of clothing at a time, rather than ripping off your clothes. Want more specific suggestions for spicing up the appetizer course? Check out the ideas in this chapter.

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SHOWER EACH OTHER WITH AFFECTION
A hot shower is a great way to unwind and relax after a stressful day. Now add your partner to the mix and you’ve got a recipe for some steamy foreplay. We also like this exercise for couples who have kids and need to steal a few moments away from the mayhem for some “we” time: Whether you simply enjoy each other’s bodies while you save time (and water) with a shared shower or take things further, it’s a wonderful way to reconnect. So light some candles or dim the lights, grab some scented soap or body wash and soft washcloths, and start running that water. Then strip down with your partner and get cozy under the hot spray. Take your time soaping each other up, letting your touch linger. Your guy can give you a delicious shampoo and scalp massage while he presses his erect penis against your genitals. You can return the favor by giving your man a slow, soapy hand job. Have him place a foot on the edge of the tub, stand behind him, and rub your bare breasts against his back while you slide your hand up and down his shaft. Afterward, he can try entering you from behind, your hands against the wall or holding a securely mounted towel rack for support. But be careful: Showers can get slippery—and water can dry out your natural lubrication. It’s safer to limit your shower time to foreplay, and then move things to the bedroom.

RUB-A-DUB-DUB
Like the spirit of sexy shower fun but prefer a bath? No problem. Light some candles, fill the tub, and if toys are your thing, bring a waterproof vibrator along, too. It’s also not a bad idea to invest in a hose attachment for your water spout. They make for some fun underwater play, and typically cost less than ten dollars. Let your partner get into the tub first and have him lean back against the far end of the tub, legs outstretched and slightly spread. Then carefully step into

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the tub and sit down between his legs with your back to him. Take a moment to enjoy the feel of your skin against his and the warmth of the water. Then your partner can slowly lather and wash you, using soft strokes on your inner thighs, your chest, your genitals, and the back of your neck before you switch places and get him nice and clean. If you’re using a toy, now’s the time to play with it. Your guy can spray water at your genitals with the hose attachment, experimenting with different levels of water pressure and different angles. See if he can get you to orgasm with running water alone. Then kick things up a notch by turning on your waterproof vibrator. He can run the vibe up and down your thighs, or over your nipples, before moving south. Then it’s his turn! As the water begins to cool, drain the tub and towel each other off. You could try to have intercourse before getting out, but since water washes away your natural lubrication, the tub is really best limited to foreplay. Move on to the bedroom for the main event.

A S U LT R Y S T R I P T E A S E
Earlier, Lisa shared the story of how S Factor classes helped kick off her sexual reawakening. This exercise is inspired by her experience and is guaranteed to get a guy’s engine revving—and yours, too! First, set up a comfortable chair in the bedroom or living room, where you have room to move around as you perform. No other props are necessary— except your hot self—but if you like, get dressed up in something a little nicer than your regular clothes: Anything from demure silk jammies to a sexy cheerleader uniform with stripper heels will work, as long as you and your sweetie find it appealing. Before you get started, remember that stripteases and lap dances aren’t really about a perfect body or professional dance moves. Instead, they capitalize on teasing, anticipation, sexy moves, and the unhurried buildup of desire. So take

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your time: Gyrate your hips, slowly. Spin around, slowly. Bend over—slowly— and slap the floor before sliding your hands up your legs and gently smacking yourself on the ass. Eventually, back up into the space between his legs, facing away from him, and almost—but not quite—sit in his lap, wiggling your butt across him. Grind him slowly to an orgasm, or stop short and leave him begging for more.

BREAST ADVICE
Even if they claim to be “ass” or “leg” men, most guys we know still have plenty of love for breasts, too. Unfortunately, not every man is as skilled in the boob department as he might think: Grabbing, squeezing, pinching—there’s a lot of manhandling going on above the waist! That’s a shame, because the breasts are a major erogenous zone for many women. Remember oxytocin, aka the cuddle hormone? Your body releases it when your breasts and nipples are stimulated—in fact, oxytocin is responsible for the nipple becoming erect with excitement and stimulation. As the breasts continue to receive stimulation, the body continues to release oxytocin, which has its most intense effects within the first five minutes after release, but can continue to increase contractions for up to an hour. What that means for you: more intense orgasms that feel like they involve your whole body. Also, about 1 percent of women can experience an orgasm just from having their breasts and nipples stimulated. Lucky ladies! So ask your guy to take his time with your breasts. If you want to offer a little guidance and a reward at the same time, show him what you want by touching your breasts for him—you’ll both come out on top.

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