Today marks one year since I resigned from BRCC. One year...

the worst year of my life (or so it seems now.) And I cannot count how many times I have regretted that decision...likewise, I cannot count how many times I have been thankful for that decision. I miss my colleagues. I miss having a sense of purpose. I miss teaching (but not grading papers). But most of all, I miss my students. I miss sharing my world with them, sharing myself with them. I am grateful for those of you who continue to share my life, virtual or otherwise, for it reminds me that I did have a purpose, serve a purpose...and I must have done something right. You know the story. You watched it unfold in this space...the images tell the story better than words ever could. I gave everything up for a slip of a girl...bewitched and bewitching – collapsing of time and space, everything merged – dissolved into one, fueled by passion, by art...by love. So much love. The destruction of beauty by beauty. In one minute, in one night, it was destroyed. Relapse. A month later...to the day. After nine years clean. My attempt to destroy myself. The product of anger and resentment...and fear. Always fear. And my words spoken so often in my classes were lost to myself, “Fuck fear.” No, fear fucked me. I quit the best part of my life, so why not quit life completely? But that's not the whole story... It never is. I don't know the whole story, even though I lived it. Blur. The winter of my discontent...our discontent. I can offer you a thousand, mostly rational, somewhat insincere explanations for what happened – what in my psyche, what in my soul collapsed, needed – wanted to be decimated. 8 months after going to detox... 6 months after leaving her... I'm fresh from the fetal position, only rocking and drooling occasionally. Triggered by so many things. I miss her – the girl she was, the woman she was becoming. I miss my life once lived so well. I miss me – whoever that was, is, will be... 1 year later...and it's all gone, leaving this void – gaping, vacuous. 1 year later...and I still don't know why.

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