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my chest cavity YOU: I couldn�t help noticing that you�re mind-blowingly hot. YOU: I suggest we drink before we go out drinking. YOU: I promise not to make you stand beside me during the public apology if i�m ever implicated in a prosecution ring. YOU: If we were snow monkeys I�d pick the dead skin and insects off your fur even if I wasn�t looking to mate. YOU: Hey, wanted to touch base in case you get rich. YOU: Let�s party like rock stars that only play video games! YOU: If you ever disappeared while hiking, I�d remain with the search party until it started raining. YOU: If you showed up on a free porn site I would definitely click through. YOU: Thought you should know I totally blasted my Pecs today. YOU: May the cooler air bring less glandular activity to your armpits. YOU: My penis is large enough to wound you. YOU: My plan is to travel the world in a Panda suit. YOU: I�m glad we stay mildly interested in each other�s lives. YOU: I've been telling my mom about you, and she said I should call. YOU: We�re total fucking bad asses. YOU: Let�s have a frank discussion about our favourite sexual positions. YOU: I�ve put more thought into my [Halloween] costume than into my career. YOU: This is the one holiday where our full-blown alcoholism could possibly go undetected. YOU: I can�t believe how much I�m not sick of you. YOU: I�d like to dedicate this boner to you. YOU: (If they can�t do something) Your busy day is interfering with my slacking off. YOU: (In response to what i�m doing) I�m practicing the shocker YOU: I�m concerned your hotness may eventually make me insecure. YOU: Someday i want to adopt an Asian baby with you. YOU: Big dinners make me drowsy so let�s do the sex part first. YOU: Let�s go to a museum to see some cock! YOU: I�d appreciate it if you started treating me like a sex object. YOU: Let�s go to a crowded party or bar to socialise exclusively with ourselves. YOU: Please make yourself available to talk when I have nothing to do while driving. YOU: Sorry two unicorns and I fucked you silly in my dream last night. YOU: [I�d take you to coffee but] your star bucks drink order embarrasses me. YOU: Let�s invite ugly friends out tonight to highlight our hotness. YOU: I know the perfect place for us to dry hump! YOU: Hey, if masturbating in my office is wrong, i don�t want to be right. YOU: I�m too horny to be in public. YOU: Let�s pretend to get together soon! YOU: I really can�t say enough good things about your blow jobs. YOU: Fucking you really turns me on. YOU: Sometimes i get sad about how uncool you�ve become. YOU: Someday we should go to rehab together. YOU: I�m ready to change my Facebook relationship status if you are. YOU: I caught you staring at my package. YOU: I love it when you tell a story 368 times. YOU: I insist that everyone start calling me by my porn name. YOU: If i ever run for president, my association with you is going to haunt me. YOU: Just an FYI that my Facebook friend tally has recently skyrocketed. YOU: Just wanted you to know that I�m new to the neighbourhood and required by law to tell you that. YOU: Really great meeting you but I�m currently not in the market for new
friends. YOU: I�d like your permission to slightly exaggerate our friendship YOU: Just saying hi and wondering if the morning-after pill worked. YOU: Let me know when you�re available so i can make sure I�m busy. YOU: I still try to keep up with whether or not you�re dead. YOU: Welcome back if you were on vacation. YOU: When you�re with me, your beverages are roofie-free. YOU: Your username is making me hesitant to flirt with you. YOU: I want you to uproot your life and move to my hometown so we can casually date. YOU: I�ve almost figured out our relationship. YOU: I�m glad you recognise how terrible your life is without me. YOU: I bet my weekend can kick your weekends ass. YOU: I�d bang you if you weren�t such a nice girl... YOU: Ha-ha, I�ve got you by the balls now!!! YOU: I hope you�re smiling YOU: What sort of trouble are you causing? YOU: Guess what! �IF LAME RESPONSE-- Bad girl. I said guess. Try again. YOU: Thinking of you (and taking cold showers) ? YOU: You're boring. Better start being entertaining before I leave you. ;P. YOU: I just don't think we should do this anymore... Sometimes you make me feel like I am just a piece of meat. YOU: let's fly to Las Vegas, get married, argue about our third kid's name, develop a gambling problem, divorce, and grow old lonely and depressed YOU: Hey! I really miss you and want to see you badly BUT this dumbass security guard won't let me in the zoo. Can you escape? YOU: Hey you cheeky-slag, orgy starts at 8:00, but be there early so i can get you while you're still fresh � Fine, well can i at least get seconds? YOU: Today is HOLY SHIT YOUR HOT DAY, send this to someone you know who is HOT, just not to me, I�ve been getting this fucking text all day ;p YOU: Exciting, you are going to make a great soccer mom some day! - I will keep an eye out for used Mini Vans and do some research on anti-depressants for you! YOU: Hey i was just thinking about you, wish you were here(so you could cook me something and do my dishes/so you could fetch me a drink and give me a foot massage/so you could clean my house and do my laundry) YOU: So bottom line you kinda impressed me tonight...and I don't get impressed very often. Keep up the good work ; ) YOU: Yeah it�s big � sorry wrong [Stephanie]. YOU: The police have found a burnt body, except its fatter and with a smaller brain than whats common, please let me know your alright. YOU: I forgot, are we fighting and most importantly am I winning? YOU: One hundred percent of homosexuals check their text messages with their thumb. Too late to switch fingers now! YOU: Stop thinking about me! YOU: I think of you every time i browse my phone on the toilet YOU: You�re only as old as you feel while getting wildly fucked YOU: It�s been too long since we threw up on each other YOU: You never pee on me anymore... :-( YOU; let�s confirm that we�re getting pants-shitting drunk tonight. YOU: Wanting to make gentle yet impassioned love to [Tom Brady] doesn�t make you gay. YOU: If I was your co-worker i�d sexually harass you. YOU: If we were in prison together I�d totally help you not get raped. YOU: Don�t forget that blowjobs are like flowers for men. YOU: OMG, Becky, look at her butt! YOU: Maybe it�s the booze talking, but i want you to know i love booze. YOU: You�re going to be a great MILF YOU: Let�s do the whitest thing imaginable.
YOU: SURPRISE! YOU: Knock knock... YOU: How's my favorite little brat doing? YOU: Ciao bella! / Mi amore! / My cheri amore! YOU: I just made you open your phone for no reason...looks like I got you in check =] YOU: Hey goof, I bet my weekend can beat up your weekend. YOU: What sort of trouble are you causing? YOU: I am luring women to my house with candy... do you prefer skittles or M&M's? (MY ADDITION: Bring preferred candy to next meeting. Funny. Also, after reading posts they always pick skittles... i'm going to actually try and bring a fun pack of skittles when i'm out and use this as a funny opener. If they say skittles, i'll take out the pack, pop one in my mouth and say, "want a skittle?") YOU: I know my math u+i equals 69 YOU: Girls are gross... YOU: I hope you are smiling. If not just think of me! YOU: Aliens are coming to abduct all the sexy people off the planet and force them to breed. You should be safe, I just wanted to text to say goodbye. YOU: Out of all the (first name) (last name)'s I know... I think you�re my favourite. YOU: You just popped into my head so Hi...now please stay out of there YOU: Hey I hope you got home safe. [name] YOU: Let's fly to Las Vegas, get married, argue about our third kid's name, divorce, and grow old lonely and depressed YOU: I don't know who you're boyfriend is...but he's not spanking you enough! YOU: I don't think you're ready for this jelly YOU: Awww, you're so sweet. You're making me get diabetes. YOU: I just don't think we should do this anymore...Sometimes you make me feel like I am just a piece of meat. YOU: I was thinking of you... YOU: Something about u seems to always make me smile. YOU: Feel better so i can guiltlessly/mercilessly make fun of you again. YOU: I�m glad you recognise how bad your life would be without me. YOU: (To stress of relationships) Life would be easier if we were gay. YOU: If you really loved me you would say it on my Facebook Wall. YOU: (After waiting a while after they msg) I just finished balancing my chi, what are you up to? YOU: I get it... you�re just a simple woman who wants her salad tossed. YOU: I couldn�t get through [Monday]�s without knowing you�re equally miserable. YOU: I�d like to offer moral support but i have questionable morals. YOU: Sorry you�re feeling like such a pussy YOU: Get well soon because your cough is fucking disgusting. YOU: It�s never too early to start a mid-life crisis. YOU: Do something special for yourself and then feel guilty about it. YOU: (Bowling, etc) Sure... I genuinely enjoy any activity in which you bend over. MULTI-LINERS YOU: Hey..do me a favour and text me right back. Just hi or something. HB: Hi.... but why? YOU: My friends didn't believe retards can text. Boy, did we show them! -ORYOU: Hey..do me a favor and text me right back. Just hi or something. my friends dont believe retards can text. We'll show em lil buddy YOU: [ALL SENT SEPERATELY] 6 truths in your life:
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.
You can't lick all your teeth with your tongue. You're an idiot, because you just tried to proof truth number one. Truth one is a lie. Now you're smiling, because you're a goof. You'll send it to another idiot in the near future. You're still smiling ;-)
YOU: Hey can you help me study? or Hey I need help studying? HB: Sure what class is it? or studying for what? YOU: Sex 101/Sex Ed
YOU: Congratulations HB: BLAH/WHY? YOU: I was just thinking of you. Congratulations =) YOU: HB: YOU: YOU: HB: YOU: HB: YOU: YOU: HB: YOU: Thanks for the blow job last night. That was really sweet of you. (either replies or doesn�t) Oops wrong person. Hey I�ve been thinking.....want to rob a bank with me? HAHA, What? (or something of the sort, most girls will play along) Seriously, I need a partner. Are you driving or are you shooting Blah blah Oh a badass huh Who is this? [girls name] I know...I'm just being an ass
YOU: let�s go to Vegas and get married right now. You�re the most beautiful woman I�ve ever met [then follow up with...] YOU: oh my bad...wrong person!/Sorry wrong number! YOU: Baby you're the hottest thing I've ever seen! Let's fly to Vegas and elope -followed by after a min or a responseYOU: Oh Shit sorry wrong number! YOU: Don�t worry you�re still my favourite girl -wait 5 minsYOU: Or at least top 5. YOU: HB: YOU: So are you in love with me yet? Blah Wow you�re lasting longer than I thought/give it 15 mins...
YOU: Don't worry you're still my favorite girl --wait a couple minutes -YOU: Or at least top 5 YOU: I will be your friend no matter what you put inside your anus. -wait for it....YOU: Whoops! EMBARRASING. HB: What are you up to tonight? YOU: Tonight's my weekly melted haagen-dazs bath.
Who�s this? Prince Charming, duh.
PRETEND TO MASS-TEXT YOU: Remember guys tomorrow is "Hug a retard" day. . . So don�t freak out like you did last year, NO ONE IS TRYING TO HURT YOU! HB: Okay, remind me to give you a hug when i see you HB: Haha! Your getting an extra hug when i see you tomorrow. YOU: You know what I hate? When you're minding your own business then... BAM! you're being attacked by flying monkeys. HB: I didn't know monkeys could fly YOU: That�s what makes it so hateful. I'm never expecting it. HB: What are you talking about? YOU: I knew it! You're one of those flying monkey lovers, aren't you GONE COLD/FLAKES YOU: hey, just been sorting out my phonebook and found out I have three <NAME>�s, which one are you......the crazy one, the hot one, or the shy suggestive one? YOU: I just met your twin BIRTHDAY: YOU: Today�s the anniversary of you being expelled from your mother�s uterus. YOU: I hope your party doesn�t fucking suck. (SITUATIONAL can work at any party not just bdays) YOU: I�m not making any age-related jokes because I genuinely feel bad about how old you are. YOU: Wishing you happy birthday makes me feel gay YOU: You would have loved the gift I didn�t bother getting you YOU: I remember when you weren�t so disturbingly old. YOU: I�d like to take you out for your birthday when it�s convenient for me. YOU: Sorry, you didn�t remind me it was your Birthday. YOU: Sorry your age means you�re no longer the primary target market of pop culture marketers. YOU: It�s your birthday but I�m still going to try and get all the attention. (SITUATIONAL works for any event: house party, party) YOU: Happy birthday to someone I can tolerate!
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