December 18, 2011 Mr. Wayne Sheu #### Confucius Ave. Appleton, WI 54913 Dear Mr. Sheu, I am delighted to inform you that the Committee on Admissions and Financial Aid has voted to offer you a place in the Harvard Class of 2016. Please accept my personal congratulations for your outstanding achievements. We acknowledge that you have been accepted to Stanford, and would much prefer to go there. I mean, with its more comprehensive engineering education, superior D-I athletics, closer proximity to an innovation hotbed in the Silicon Valley, absence of the East Coast-Ivy stigma, and most importantly, the seemingly endless amount of smoking hot bitches just waiting for you to make love to them…What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, Stanford is pretty fucking awesome. But I would just like to remind you of the phenomenal undergraduate program at Harvard, where you will graduate with an terrific education, a enriching collegiate experience, and most importantly, a diploma with the words “Harvard University,” a piece of paper that will carry you further than any other piece of paper ever will, except for, of course, a diploma from Harvard Medical School. Anyway, I am writing to you to urge you to seriously reconsider your decision to attend Stanford. We would be most honored if you would attend our program instead. Following is a description of how our college would benefit from your presence. To begin, Mr. Sheu, we are very impressed with your qualifications. You have a 4.0 unweighted GPA, a number that reflects your natural intelligence, your tenacity, and your determination for future success. We know that you are a bright, hard-working individual who demonstrates poise and passion in tense moments, something that was also reflected by your 35 on the ACT. Your 35 is not only a reflection of your innate brilliance, but also an indication that you are Asian, as 35 is a product of 7 and 5. 7’5” is the height of NBA superstar Yao Ming, who coincidentally hails from China, which, if I’m not mistaken, is very near your homeland of Taiwan. Your exceptional genius coupled with your subtle Asian lineage shows us that you would be a perfect fit for Harvard. Far more impressive than your intellectual gifts and your academic accomplishments are your impeccable good looks. Your intense black hair flows casually but deliberately. Your impassioned, sensitive black eyes sublimely complement your soft, creamy, olive-colored skin. The phrase “body of a god” is thrown around a lot these days. But based on what we have read from your letters of recommendation, you have literally the body of a god. Your incredulous lack of body fat provides stark contrast to your rippling muscle composition, from your absolutely colossal biceps to your abdominals that have the strength of boulders. Your astute fashion sense is evidenced by those clothes that drape over you alluringly, clothes that often end up on the floors of many different women’s bedrooms. And let’s not forget about that glorious smile that often appears as a result of your charm. Your ravishing good looks would make you stand out at Harvard, somewhat because swooning women would be drawn to you in hordes, but primarily because you would gain notoriety from having slept with not only Harvard girls, but also chicks from schools all over the metropolitan Boston area, including BU, BC, Northeastern, Brandeis, Berklee, Emerson, Tufts, UMass Boston, and even MIT if you’re into that kind of thing. Your sterling reputation of being irresistible precedes you. Mr. Sheu, we certainly hope that you would bring your devilish good looks and devious charm to Harvard. God knows we need more people like you here. Mr. Sheu, we certainly hope you will attend Harvard. Harvard can not only meet your every need, but it also is the perfect venue for you to exhibit all the unique qualities that constitute the exemplary individual that you are. We would love to have you here. Attached is a little gift thanking you for submitting an application to our institution…Did you even apply? We’re a little fuzzy on the details. But the gift might be helpful to you in making your college choice, as well as act as a mild subornation. Nonetheless, we sincerely request, for our sakes, that you select Harvard instead of Stanford for all your future educational needs. Whatever your decision may be, you have my best wishes for every future success. Sincerely, Abhishek Parekh Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid