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1 TEASER INT. MCKINLEY HALLWAY - MORNING EMMA is walking down the busy hallway, heels clacking on the linoleum.

WILL emerges from an intersecting hall and joins her. WILL You ready for Teen Mentor Week?

Emma bounces. EMMA Ive got my brochures, Ive got my door open, and Ive finally scraped all the wads of chewed gum off the underside of my desk.

She shudders at the thought. SUE appears beside them, falling in step. Shes chewing gum. Blows a large bubble. SUE That sounds unfortunate, Norma. You should probably lock your office at night. WILL Can we help you, Sue? SUE Oh, I just wanted to see if you two were prepared to get your soft, unsculpted rear ends handed to you this week.

Will rolls his eyes. EMMA For Teen Mentor Week? WILL Mentoring kids is not a competition, Sue. (CONTINUED)


SUE Of course it isnt. Not when Im up against Lord and Lady Sad Sack of Incompetence Manor. Thisll be cake.

She parts, popping a large bubble with her teeth. WILL I thought we didnt assign her any kids this year. We didnt. EMMA

Will and Emma exit. SANTANA and BRITTANY walk through, on their cell phones. SANTANA We had Coach Sylvester last year. She took us to some freak-ass hunting lodge and set us loose in the woods with only a knife. BRITTANY I killed a boar. And then I cried.

A JOCK passes by, looks Brittany up and down, and wolf whistles. Santana instantly glares at him. SPLIT SCREEN CUT TO: TINA walks with MIKE, cell phone to her ear. on the other line. TINA Ive got Mr. Schue for a mentor. Oh god, hes going to make me try a rap song. Do you think I could pull off cornrows? MERCEDES Im gonna pretend you never asked that. (CONTINUED) MERCEDES is

CONTINUED: All five converge in front of a door to the outside. It opens. QUINN and RACHEL try to walk through at the same time. They stop, and look at one another. Quinn rolls her eyes, and walks through first, letting the door fall. Rachel catches it, and follows. They part. The five-way phone callers all stare at them. The BELL RINGS. END TEASER - TITLE Awkward.


4 ACT ONE INT. TEACHERS LOUNGE - LATER MRS. STURGILL, an imposing woman, staples a piece of paper to a bulletin board. It reads: MCKINLEY HIGH DRAMA DEPARTMENT PRESENTS: THE SOUND OF MUSIC. COUNTY-WIDE AUDITIONS THIS THURSDAY. SUE sits at a table, suspiciously eying Sturgill as she flips absentmindedly through a hunting supply catalog. SUE (incredulously) Do you teach at this school? STURGILL Drama teacher, Sue. Evelyn Sturgill. Ive been here for forty years. You tried to shut down my 1999 production of Camelot. SUE Ive never seen you before in my life. And that play is offensive - almost as offensive as your outfit right now.

Sturgill exits in a huff, passing WILL as he enters, checking his mailbox. Sue has busied herself with her catalog, and doesnt look up. She licks a finger and calmly turns the page. SUE By the way, Will, its your ineffectual Glee kids Ill be taking under my impressive wing this week.

Will stops in his tracks.


5 CONTINUED: WILL Whats your angle, Sue? Smiles. Rolls up the magazine.

Sue looks up at him.

SUE No angle, William. I just think its high time your little band of mouth-breathers had a chance to learn from someone whos a little more experienced in the art of being excellent. Sue ignores him.

Will rolls his eyes.

SUE (CONTD) As such, Ill be co-opting your Choir of Runny-Nosed Misfits this week and showing them what a real mentor looks like. WILL Nice try, Sue, but youre not a designated mentor this year -

Sue stands, takes a swig of her protein shake, and exits mid-sentence. SUE It looks like a cat vomited on your head today, William.

INT. EMMAS OFFICE - LATER EMMA sits at her carefully organized desk, hands folded. EMMA Okay, so lets discuss how I can help you with some of your problems this week. Feel free to open up to me, and tell me whatever is on your mind, or troubling you.


6 CONTINUED: She beams. CUT TO: CUT TO: SANTANA Im not sure you understood me the first nine times I told you: I dont have problems. FINN I just feel like Ive got all these bottled-up emotions. And Im all confused, and its like life is really messing with my head right now, yknow? EMMA (beat) Maybe we should switch you to Mr. Schue. MERCEDES Im concerned that if you try and solve everyones problems, Kurt and I wont have anything to gossip about. Oh. EMMA

Emma frowns. CUT TO: BRITTANY I think Im going to fail my math test this week. EMMA Oh! Well, I can help you with that. Why dont you find someone who can tutor you?


7 CONTINUED: BRITTANY My cat left me a note in my diary. She said I had to try and pass a test on my own for once. But Im scared. EMMA Its okay to ask for help, Brittany. Why dont you ask one of your fellow Glee clubbers? Maybe you could sing a song about it.

She chuckles at her own wit. Brittany looks at her like shes stupid. Emma gets back on track. EMMA (CONTD) Set a goal for yourself. Whats your grade in geometry right now?

Brittany thinks. BRITTANY 37. But that's not counting the extra credit coloring assignments I turned in. Im really banking on those.

Emma blinks, and clears her throat. EMMA Okay, so maybe a good plan is to try for a D. And keep working on extra credit... opportunities, and you can bring your grade up. But your first step is to find a tutor. Ask around. Im sure someone will be willing to help you.

Suddenly, SUE barges in the door.


8 CONTINUED: SUE Sorry Im late, Elmer. Brit. What seems to be the trouble? Emma tries to discourage her.

She sits down. CUT TO:

BRITTANY Im failing math. SUE Well, thats not news, B. Ill just put in the good word with your math teacher like always.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY SUE and A DIMINUTIVE MAN IN A SWEATER VEST are standing underneath the bleachers. Next to Sue is a human-sized container of protein powder. DIMINUTIVE MAN A lifetime supply? SUE (smirking) I have an endorsement. DIMINUTIVE MAN Ill do anything! SUE Passing math grades for Brittany S. Pierce.

The man nods furiously. They shake on it. Sue walks away, smirking. The man bear-hugs the comically large bottle in a futile attempt to carry it. Sue doesnt turn back to help. CUT BACK TO:


9 CONTINUED: INT. EMMAS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Emma frowns, quickly intervening. EMMA Sue. Brittanys going to find a tutor, and see if she can bring her grade up through studying. SUE Well, thats not going to work. Ive had to bend over backwards to get her the grades she needs to stay on the Cheerios squad. Ill have you know, man-sized containers of protein powder dont just grow on trees. BRITTANY I dont want you to cheat for me, Coach. I want to pass the test on my own. SUE Well, go ahead and try, B. But I guarantee you, youre going to be grateful for my connections when I get you that A anyways. Emma begins to say something, but Sue

Brittany frowns. stands.

Sue exits into the hallway. She casually slaps a breakfast burrito out of FINNs hands as he passes. SUE (CONTD) Your arteries will thank me, Dough Boy!

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS SUE pushes past TINA, who dodges to avoid her. She hits a bulletin board, accidentally ripping off a piece of paper. (CONTINUED)

10 CONTINUED: Tina picks it up, looking down at it. Its the SOUND OF MUSIC AUDITION ANNOUNCEMENT. A grin spreads over her face. She smoothes out the paper, folds it, and puts it in her pocket. INT. SUES OFFICE - DAY SUE sits at her desk, feet up, glasses on the end of her nose. She has a needle and thread, embroidering. There is a KNOCK at the door. BECKY pokes her head in.

BECKY I have your 2:30 appointment here, Coach. SUE Send them in, Becky.

She sits up, setting down her needlepoint. QUINN and RACHEL try and enter at the same time, then stop. Quinn goes first. SUE (CONTD) Come in, ladies. Sit. Sue removes her

Rachel and Quinn obey, slightly puzzled. glasses: to business.

RACHEL Coach Sylvester, isnt Principal Figgins our assigned mentor? SUE I believe he was, Short Round. But Im running interception. You spend your days in the padded walls of failure better known as William Schuesters Glee Club. (MORE)


11 CONTINUED: SUE (CONTD) Figgins couldnt help you with your problems even if he got all of Oprahs inner circle to sit you down on national television.

Rachel and Quinn share a Look. SUE (CONTD) Now. Its come to my attention that you two have more public drama than the Clinton Administration. Shared boyfriends, cheating, insults, lies... and the worst part is, everybody sees it. The light shining on you two is brighter than the bulbs in Liberaces tanning bed. Now, I know a thing or two about public feuding - Ive long had issues with forgiving Kirstie Alley. But its not 1995 anymore, and the Olsen twins got the brunt of that success anyways.

She trails off, a far-off look in her eyes. QUINN Coach Sylvester? Sue snaps back to attention. QUINN (CONTD) Do you have a point? SUE As a matter of fact, Q, I do. You two are constantly in the high school spotlight for an embarrassment of girl squabbles. Its humiliating, and a waste of perfectly good ambition. (MORE) (CONTINUED)


SUE (CONTD) Now, I know what youre thinking. Sue Sylvester has many enemies. But after awhile you have to ask yourself. Are your enemies standing between you and your goals, or is it just your own self? So, Kirstie and I are now e-mailing. Shes forgiven me for switching out her weight-loss bars, which, by the way, cant be proven in a court of law, and Im doing a little needlepoint for her godchildren.

She gestures at her desk, grinning. Rachel and Quinn stare at her, dumbfounded. Sues grin fades to a scowl. SUE (CONTD) Well, I gave it a shot, and now I cant even pretend to care about this anymore. I have other singing boxcar urchins to deal with. Shut the door on your way out.

Quinn rises as Sue picks up her needlepoint. Rachel hesitates, opens her mouth to say something, but opts against it. She follows Quinn out. INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY Tina stands on the empty stage, in front of empty seats. Takes a breath. Smiles coyly... And begins to sing I HAVE CONFIDENCE. She moves quickly and vivaciously across the stage, pouring her heart into every gesture, note, and expression. As she hits the final high note, beaming, a slow clap breaks her concentration. (CONTINUED) Quinn drops the door on her.

13 CONTINUED: WILL descends from the back of the auditorium. WILL Youve come a long way since I tried to give you the solo in Tonight.

Tina smiles bashfully. TINA I care about this, Mr. Schue. I really want this part. WILL Of Maria? (beat) Im Tina. And I want you and go after what you you sure this is such proud of you, to dream big, want. But are a good idea?

Tina crosses her arms. TINA (challenging) Why wouldnt it be? WILL Come on, you know why. Youre not the... classic Maria type. TINA Because Im Asian? Mr. Schue, you let Kurt sing Defying Gravity and hes not a girl. WILL Yeah, well, Kurt also wasnt dressing up in green paint and suspending himself from the rafters for the performance. He just sang the song. He didnt play the part. Will sighs. A moment of impasse.

Tina frowns.


14 CONTINUED: WILL (CONTD) I just dont want to see you disappointed. TINA Look, I appreciate it, Mr. Schue. But Im tired of being in the background. I want to be onstage, front and center, and no one seems to notice that.

She shrugs, and smiles good-naturedly. TINA (CONTD) Its time to be noticed.

Will smiles back, and squeezes her shoulder. WILL Youre gonna knock em dead. Want me to help you with your yodeling?

Tina laughs, and returns to the stage. INT. HALLWAY - DAY QUINN walks up to her locker, where she finds RACHEL holding out a pre-calc book. QUINN What are you doing? RACHEL Youre not the only one that can break into lockers, you know.

Quinn eyes her, grabs the book, and starts walking down the busy hall. Rachel follows, hurrying to match pace. RACHEL Look, Quinn. (MORE)


15 CONTINUED: RACHEL (CONTD) I dont know your feelings about this hostility, but I happen to agree with Ms. Sylvester. I dont like that the whole school sees us as enemies. QUINN Arent we, though?

Rachel stops abruptly, grabbing Quinn by the elbow and yanking her back. No. RACHEL

QUINN Well then, what are we, Rachel? Please, enlighten me. RACHEL Friends. Two jealous people who got caught up in boyfriend trouble and baby drama. Teenage girls that are just trying to find their way and worrying too much about what other people think of them. Rachel has struck a nerve.

Quinn scowls.

RACHEL (CONTD) Do a duet with me in Glee club. Maybe if we work towards a common goal QUINN This is really not an option, Rachel. (beat) Sorry.

Quinn unhinges her elbow from Rachels grasp and walks away. Rachel frowns, sighs, and turns in the other direction. (CONTINUED)

16 COMMERCIAL INT. LIBRARY - DAY CUT TO: CUT TO: CUT TO: RACHEL I would, Brittany, but Im currently trying to coerce Quinn into doing a duet with me for Glee Club so we can finally put our differences to rest. Youd think after all that Ive done to show that ARTIE Halo marathon. Sorry. PUCK Brit, let me just steal the answer key for you. BRITTANY I really need someone to tutor me.

Brittanys eyes glaze over. SMASH CUT TO: QUINN I cant, Brit, Im busy avoiding Rachel. Shes trying to make us duet for Glee Club and all my energy is devoted to making that nothappen. I swear, its like -

Brittany nods politely. SMASH CUT TO: SANTANA If you get an A, do we get a gift certificate to Breadstix? (CONTINUED)

17 CONTINUED: CUT TO: CUT TO: CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS This leaves Brittany sitting in front of Mercedes. MERCEDES Nobody said yes? LAUREN I bet Puckerman would steal the answers for you if you asked. Just be careful what he wants in terms of... payment. FINN Id love to help, Brittany, but you do realize my GPA is about as bad as yours, right?

Brittany shakes her head no. MERCEDES (CONTD) Well, I guess I can help. Itll be like a fun game to test my patience. BRITTANY (relieved) Thank you, Mercedes. This is really gonna help me. MERCEDES I cant believe that Santana didnt even say yes, though.

PAN to reveal SANTANA sitting next to Brittany, a sneer painted across her face.


18 CONTINUED: SANTANA Hey hey hey, Weezy. I never said I wouldnt help. I just asked if there would be Breadstix involved. Who do you think helps Brit get through all her other classes? MERCEDES I always assumed she slept with the teachers. Brittany averts

Santanas mouth falls open in outrage. her eyes, staring at her lap.

SANTANA Uh, excuse you, Moby Dick, but if thats the game youre gonna play, then we say good day to you.

She tries to tug Brittany up by the sleeve. Brittany stays put. BRITTANY (mumbling) Everybody thinks that. Theres a brief silence.

Santana freezes.

MERCEDES I didnt mean it like that, Brit. BRITTANY Look, everybody knows Im super talented at dancing and singing and removing underwear with my teeth, but nobody ever listens to anything I have to say.

Santana and Mercedes just stare at her. BRITTANY (CONTD) I just want to pass a test. One math test.


19 CONTINUED: Santana looks expectantly from Brittany to Mercedes, eyebrows raised. MERCEDES Alright, lets do this.

Brittany beams. INT. HALLWAY - LATER QUINN fiddles with the padlock on her locker. Opens it, puts a book away, and pulls out a bright purple folder with a gold star on it. She looks at it, bewildered. INT. GLEE CLUB CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS RACHEL is standing at the piano, marking a piece of sheet music. The rest of the club is assembled in their seats, chatting. QUINN storms in, dropping the purple folder in front of Rachel. QUINN What is this?

Rachel doesnt look up from her work. She nudges the folder out of her line of sight and continues making notes. RACHEL Its the sheet music for our duet. Were performing on Wednesday. Rachel meets her gaze.

Quinn stares at her, speechless.

RACHEL (CONTD) Ive already arranged it with Mr. Schuester. He thinks its a great idea. Looks like youre stuck with me, Quinn.


20 CONTINUED: Rachel picks up her own copy of the music and sits in her seat next to Mercedes. Quinn follows suit. QUINN (mumbling)

Fantastic. END ACT ONE



ACT TWO INT. HALLWAY - THE NEXT DAY TINA is drinking at the water fountain. SUE Tina Cohen-Loser. SUE walks up.

Come with me.

Tina reluctantly follows. TINA Thats not my name, Ms. Sylvester. SUE I know, I know. I just thought we were at the point in our friendship where we could be honest with one another, you know? Is that a new pair of gloves?

Tina is baffled. Sue leads them in front of an oversize trophy case. Tina nods. SUE (CONTD) Every single one of them is a cheerleading trophy. Ive never won anything else. In the early 90s, I went on an auditioning spree in Hollywood. I was young and naive then, with far-off dreams of winning Emmys and Oscars. Not a Tony, though. Tonys are gay. But every casting agent told me I was wrong for the part. (MORE) SUE (CONTD) You see these trophies?


22 CONTINUED: SUE (CONTD) I was too intelligent for Baywatch, too young for Golden Girls, too white for Family Matters... too human for Duck Tales. It was devastating. But I told myself that no matter what, I would set myself up for success based on ability, and not looks. And thats how I became a worldrenowned cheerleading coach. Because theres nothing Im better at than leadership, unless you count my uncanny ability to fit into the air conditioning vents. TINA Why are you telling me this? SUE Youre not going to get that part. Theyre going to tell you that youre not skinny enough, not Caucasian enough, and certainly not leading lady enough. So save yourself the heartbreak, and try something you know you can achieve. Get yourself a trophy. Good talk.

She claps Tina on the back and saunters off, checking the screws on a vent before disappearing around a corner. Tina eyes Sues trophies and bites her lip, faith shaken. INT. SUES OFFICE - LATER WILL barges into Sues office without knocking. SUE stands over a WHIRRING blender. She shuts it off; grins at her visitor. Hey, Will! SUE


23 CONTINUED: Will begins to speak, but Sue turns on the blender again, a gleeful smile on her face as the WHIRRING drowns out his voice. He sighs, impatient. Sue switches it off. SUE (CONTD) Sorry, buddy. Gotta get my protein. Hows uh, hows Mentor Week going for you? Will is not amused.

She smiles ingratiatingly again.

WILL Sue, did you tell Tina not to audition for The Sound of Music? SUE Well, I dont know if Id quite word it like that, William. Id say that I did her a favor and saved her a waste of hard work and heartache. Youd know something about that, as a failed performer yourself, right buddy? WILL I thought I told you to stay away from my Glee kids this week. SUE You know, Will, I think maybe your hair products are slipping through to that Teflon brain of yours, because I dont remember it quite like that either. I told you Id humiliate you, and I walked away. WILL Sue, I dont go to any of your Cheerios and give them advice behind your back.

Sue scoffs at the idea.


24 CONTINUED: SUE Of course not! You dont have to. Face it, Will, your kids are born lemons, and you, being a lemon yourself, are the least suited to bring them to their full capacity of success. Im doing them a favor. WILL Who else have you talked to?

Sue feigns thinking, creating a mental tally. WHIP TO: INT. WRESTLING MATCH - EVENING A COSTUMED BURLY DUDE flips his OPPONENT, slamming him on his back. He roars in triumph. In the crowd, COACH BEISTE cheers. She offers her popcorn to SAM, whos sitting next to her. He grins, takes it, and passes it along the line to PUCK, LAUREN, and ARTIE. SUE sits between Artie and a SCREAMING REDNECK WITH FACE PAINT. Shes ignored. WHIP BACK TO: INT. SUES OFFICE - DAY SUE My maid couldnt get the flecks of blood and shame out of my favorite tracksuit. Despicable. WILL Look, Sue, I appreciate you taking an interest. (MORE) (CONTINUED) SUE Pretty much all of them. Although Beistes kids didnt really need my assistance.

25 CONTINUED: WILL (CONTD) But youre wrong about Tina. Shes going to audition for that musical, and shes going to get the part.

Sue stands. Walks right in front of him. Stares him down. SUE You know what, William? I hope youre right. But no theater production is going to let an Asian girl play Maria, and we both know it. Now get out of my office. I cant think in here with all the failure and naivet clouding the air. Behind Sue, the

Will opens his mouth, but he is cut off. blender suddenly starts WHIRRING again.

Smirking, she holds up a remote control in her hand. COMMERCIAL INT. RACHELS BEDROOM - AFTER SCHOOL QUINN is perusing Rachels record collection as RACHEL shuffles through her sheet music. RACHEL So, there are definitely parts where well each sing the lead, but most of it actually will be both of us singing in harmony.

Quinn doesnt respond. RACHEL (CONTD) (wary) So... well just switch who takes which harmony.

She hands Quinn the papers. (CONTINUED)

26 CONTINUED: QUINN Who knew you were such a fan of country music?

Rachel ignores her. RACHEL Try not to let my voice overpower yours.

Quinn rolls her eyes in amused annoyance. MUSIC CUE: EVERYBODY KNOWS Rachel begins to sing. Then Quinn. CUT TO: MONTAGE INT. HALLWAY - DAY QUINN and RACHEL stand at opposite ends of the hallway. Both are in a crowd of students, all of whom turn to look at the girls. They move towards one another slowly, as the crowd dissipates. Soon they are alone, but still with a distance between them. INT. AUDITORIUM - CONTINUOUS QUINN and RACHEL stand on stage, sharing a single spotlight and a single microphone. No one is watching. Rachel smiles at Quinn, who affords a small smile back. INT. GLEE CLUB CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS QUINN and RACHEL sit on stools in front of the Glee Club as they finish the song. Their peers applaud. They share a grin. INT. LIBRARY - AFTER SCHOOL BRITTANY sits at a table, next to SANTANA and across from MERCEDES. A math book lays open before them. Santana is filing her nails, bored. (CONTINUED)

27 CONTINUED: MERCEDES So geometry is just a lot of shapes, Brittany. Just pictures. And were going to look at the pictures to try and understand them.

Brittany nods, brightly. MERCEDES (CONTD) Okay, so if you want to find out how long each of these lines are, you need to use this equation. BRITTANY (reading) A, little-two-in-the-air, plus B little-two-in-the-air, equals C little-two-in-the-air.

Mercedes looks at Santana, who shrugs. MERCEDES Uh, squared. That means you multiply the number by itself. BRITTANY Isnt that like... incest?

Mercedes opens her mouth, but decides to move forward. MERCEDES Okay, so if this side of the triangle is three inches, we need to multiply it by three. So how much would that be? Eight. BRITTANY Two threes equals eight. Santana stops filing.

Mercedes looks at Santana again.


28 CONTINUED: SANTANA If you write them down and face them together, two threes look like one eight. Mercedes takes a deep breath.

Brittany grins.

MERCEDES Oh my god. Maybe we should uh, call it a day. Take a break. Dont you guys have Cheerios practice now, anyways?

Santana looks at Brittany. BRITTANY Im not going. I want to keep working. Show me again.

Mercedes shares a worried look with Santana, who shrugs. Brittany pushes the book in front of Mercedes, who reluctantly resumes instruction. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS THE CHEERIOS are jogging laps. SUE stands, feet firmly beneath her, a scowl on her face. The Cheerios all run past her. her expression. She knows exactly whos missing. INT. SUES OFFICE - THE NEXT DAY SUE is bent over her journal, peering at a list of the Glee kids nicknames. She forcefully crosses out ASIAN and OTHER ASIAN. MERCEDES steps into the office. Sue abruptly gestures for her to sit, slamming her diary shut. Contempt cracks through


29 CONTINUED: MERCEDES You wanted to see me, Coach? SUE Oh, Aretha. You have trifled with the wrong Sue Sylvester.

Mercedes blinks. SUE (CONTD) Let me tell you a little something about our dear, sweet, stupid Brittany. Shes dumber than dirt. And yknow what? Thats fine. Everybodys got their strengths and their weaknesses - not me, Ive pretty much only got strengths - but that girls strength is on the Cheerio Squad. And I work hard to keep her there. Sue narrows her eyes.

Mercedes stares at her.

SUE (CONTD) But imagine my surprise when Brittany throws that all away for a tutoring session. Look, I dont care what Brittany chooses to do with her soft, underdeveloped brain when shes not cheerleading. But I resent the fact that shes throwing away the one thing shes good at to beat her head against a wall. Shes going to fail that math test, and Im going to have to step in to keep her on the Cheerios, which should have been her first choice in the first place.

Mercedes boggles.


30 CONTINUED: MERCEDES Hold up. Are you saying you rig Brittanys GPA? SUE Dont be so naive, Barbecue. Of course I rig Brittanys GPA. MERCEDES Does Brittany know about this? SUE Of course. Although it took some convincing at first. It was Santanas idea. She came to me when B got her first F, and I was more than happy to exercise my power and keep a winning team. I fail to see how you arent comprehending this. Santana? MERCEDES It was Santanas idea?

INT. HALLWAY DAY - CONTINUOUS SANTANA is standing at her locker, applying lipgloss. Suddenly, her locker door SLAMS SHUT, revealing MERCEDES on the other side. She is scowling. Santana grins. SANTANA Whats up, Chunky? MERCEDES What the hell, Santana? You had me busting my ass trying to help Brittany pass this test, when you had already gone and pulled strings with Sylvester? Is it fun messing with me like that? SANTANA Im sorry; have you met me? Santana. Im


31 CONTINUED: She extends her hand condescendingly to Mercedes. SANTANA (CONTD) Ive got a killer voice, a bangin bod, and I stop at nothing to get what I want. If you dont know this by now, perhaps we should consider finding you a tutor. Mercedes follows her.

Santana turns and starts walking. MERCEDES Santana, its cheating. SANTANA I dont care. And how the

MERCEDES Brittany knows that this is shes been able to stay on Cheerios all this time?

SANTANA Of course she does. Shes not stupid. MERCEDES I cannot believe you. Im done. Why should I waste my time trying to help Brittany the honest way when you guys are just going to manipulate everyone around you to get what you want?

Santana stops suddenly, eyes narrowing as she turns to glare down her opponent. SANTANA Lets get a few things straight, 227. If I recall correctly, I skipped Cheerios practice too yesterday. (MORE)


32 CONTINUED: SANTANA (CONTD) Thats my ass on the line, just as much as Brits. But you? Youre only helping Brittany because you basically called her a slut and now you feel guilty about it. So dont try and get all high-and-mighty with me, okay? I help Brittany because I want her to be happy. Sure, shes not the brightest sparkle in the sun MERCEDES Yesterday she asked me if Pythagoras was a snake. SANTANA - but shes the best Cheerio on the squad, and as far as Im concerned everybodys gotta be good at something, okay? And you know what? If Brittany wants to try and get a good grade on her own so that some people wont think shes a slut, well then Im going to risk Cheerios for that. Because Ive never called Brittany a slut. Got that?

She turns and walks away, leaving Mercedes speechless. COMMERCIAL INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY Music plays. TINA and MIKE are gliding across the stage. MIKE Step, hop. And...

Step, hop. under.

Tina stumbles, and yells in frustration. TINA Maybe this is a bad idea.


33 CONTINUED: MIKE No, you were getting it! just try it again. Lets Tina

He grabs Tinas hands and puts them back in hold. resists, and drops her arms. TINA I dont mean that. Maybe I just shouldnt audition. Everyone seems to think I shouldnt do it. MIKE Well, they just dont have enough faith in you. TINA Mike, all the characters in The Sound of Music have blond hair and blue eyes. Kurt looks more like Maria than me. MIKE So? Just because its never been done before doesnt mean that it shouldnt be done at all. If you want to play that part, you should audition, no matter what you look like. And if youre the best which I know you will be, then, youll get it.

Tina avoids his eyes. Mike grabs her hands again, and smiles at her earnestly. Forces her to meet his gaze. MIKE If you want to do it, you should do it. Tina considers. Then,

Theres a pause.

TINA Im gonna do it.


34 CONTINUED: They hug. He kisses her cheek. She smiles.

INT. STAIRWELL - DAY QUINN heads down the stairs. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS BRITTANY holds her binder close to her chest as she nervously makes her way down the hall. MERCEDES, from her locker, spots her. She decidedly shuts the locker door, takes a deep breath, and approaches the other girl, readying herself with a smile. MERCEDES (brightly) Its the big day! RACHEL catches up to her.

RACHEL (enthusiastically) Hello, Quinn! Hi. QUINN

RACHEL I was thinking. After the fair amount of success we experienced with our duet this week, we might consider doing it again for Regionals. QUINN (guardedly)

Oh, really?

Brittany bites her lip, nodding. MERCEDES (CONTD) Youll be fine. (MORE) (CONTINUED)

35 CONTINUED: MERCEDES (CONTD) Just remember your equations, and youll be great. Its just pictures, remember? Mercedes pats her shoulder

Brittany nods again. encouragingly. CUT TO:

MERCEDES (CONTD) You can do this.

INT. AUDITORIUM - CONTINUOUS BLONDE after BLONDE stand in a queue, doing vocal warmups. TINA is at the end of it, trying not to look at the Caucasians surrounding her. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS SANTANA walks up next to BRITTANY and MERCEDES. SANTANA Listen to Bubbachub, Brit. Youre gonna do great. Dont sweat it.

She gives Mercedes a harsh look, and parts. Mercedes gives Brittanys shoulder one last reassuring squeeze and exits in the opposite direction. CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - CONTINUOUS TINA takes a deep breath. She is a dark spot, dressed in black against a long line of dirndls and blonde heads. CUT TO:


36 CONTINUED: INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS RACHEL and QUINN emerge from the stairwell and into the busy hallway. Quinn is walking briskly. Rachel tries to keep pace. RACHEL I was thinking perhaps we could do a more emotional duet. I found the music for Mother and Child Reunion by Paul Simon and I thought itd be a - a fitting and unexpected duet for our voices. Especially considering what happened last year at Regionals. Rachel

Quinn rounds on her quickly, a snarl on her face. has struck a nerve. QUINN I dont understand why you feel the need to keep harassing me like this, Care Bear. No one wants to be your friend, so you can just stop trying. We have nothing in common - nothing - and I dont want to sing another stupid duet with you.

Rachel stops in her tracks, lip trembling. Everyone has stopped, and is staring. Quinn powers on, and bumps into Brittany, whos pacing outside her classroom door. Brittany startles. QUINN (CONTD) (yelling) Oh my god, Brittany, just go inside and take the damn test! I dont know who you think youre fooling, though, because its not going to change anything. Youre still going to be a slut. (MORE)


37 CONTINUED: QUINN (CONTD) Im still a bitch; youre still a slut, and youre dumber than ever if you think that one little test is going to change that!

Quinn stalks off, students jumping away from her as she barrels through the crowd. Brittany and Rachel stand in the hallway, holding back tears. They lock eyes. Rachel holds up a hand: a hello. Brittany ducks her head and finally enters the classroom. INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY The auditorium is empty, save for MRS. STURGILL, sitting squarely in the middle of the expanse. She shuffles her notes, peering at the pages. She squints. STURGILL Tina Cohen- ...Chang?

TINA steps tentatively out from the wings, walking up to the microphone. She grins. TINA Hi. Im auditioning for the part of Maria, and Ill be singing I Have Confidence.

She clears her throat and takes a breath, smoothing her hands over her skirt. STURGILL Im sorry; youre auditioning for Maria?

Tina stares; tries to recompose herself. Yes. TINA

The stern woman smiles condescendingly at her. (CONTINUED)

38 CONTINUED: STURGILL Im sorry, sweetheart, but youre not really right for the part. TINA Oh. Well, maybe if I sing for you, you can STURGILL Okay, honey, Ill give it to you straight. There were no Asians in Austria during the German Invasion. As such, theres absolutely no place for you in this show. Okay? Ill write you a note to get you back to class. She stands, rooted to the spot.

Tina is dumbfounded. Silence.

The lights in the auditorium dim, and a single spotlight clicks on, illuminating the sole figure onstage. The string section begins: THE SHOW MUST GO ON. As Tina starts to sing, the entire setting fades away. Shes standing amongst blackness, dressed head to toe in black. BRITTANY emerges to stand next to her. RACHEL and QUINN, and SANTANA and MERCEDES follow, standing behind. All dressed in black, all standing in their own spotlights. Together, they sing. Rachel takes the bridge, then Quinn and Brittany divide the second verse. FINN, PUCK, MIKE, ARTIE, LAUREN and SAM emerge on stage, rounding out the background voices. Tina finishes the song, belting out the final notes as if she were leaving her entire being onstage for all to see. END ACT TWO (CONTINUED)

39 COMMERCIAL ACT THREE INT. GLEE CLUB CLASSROOM - THE NEXT DAY The club is assembled. All are at various levels of outrage. QUINN sits silently in the back, isolated. MERCEDES They did what?! RACHEL This is absurd. There are standard practices for equal opportunity at auditions!

TINA shrugs, with a watery smile. SAM They didnt even let you sing?

Tina shakes her head. TINA Its okay, guys. Really.

MIKE squeezes her hand. ARTIE Its not, though. You should have at least had the chance to try. TINA No, its alright. I should have seen this coming. Besides, I can try out for one of the concubines in The King and I. RACHEL Dont get me wrong, Tina; you would be fantastic in the role of Tuptim but this is just inexcusable. I agree. QUINN


40 CONTINUED: RACHEL looks shocked, but recovers quickly, ignoring Quinn and returning her focus to Tina. ARTIE What are we going to do?

WILL walks in. WILL What are we going to do about what? PUCK Sturgill wouldnt let Tina audition for Maria. Tina avoids his eyes.

Wills face falls.

SAM They didnt even let her sing! LAUREN (shrugging) I say we key her car. Or put a raccoon down her chimney.

PUCK smirks, proud. Gross.

BRITTANY (to Santana)

WILL Wait, wait, wait, guys. We are not retaliating here. Let me talk to Principal Figgins and see what I can do. Until then, no one does anything. Got it? Rachel huffs with indignation.

Puck scoffs.

Quinn turns from Rachel to Tina, frowning at Mr. Schue.


41 INT. HALLWAY - LATER RACHEL approaches her locker. QUINN is standing in front of it, holding out a textbook with a bedazzled book cover. Rachel doesnt take it, a frown on her face. Hi. QUINN

She prompts her with the book. QUINN (CONTD) I need your help.

Rachel turns her back and starts walking. RACHEL Im sorry Quinn; I was under the impression that we werent friends.

Quinn rushes to catch up, exasperated. QUINN Im sorry, okay? I didnt mean anything I said. RACHEL Quinn, if I took everything you said to heart I would have had an emotional breakdown two years ago. Im just tired of trying to be nice to you in return.

Quinn hesitates as the words hit her. She recomposes, grabs Rachels elbow and spins in front of her so they are face-to-face, Quinn blocking her path. Silence. QUINN Its not for me. Rachel studies her, then sighs. RACHEL What do you need, Quinn?

A grin quirks across Quinns face. (CONTINUED)

42 INT. FIGGINS OFFICE - LATER WILL knocks, and enters. William! FIGGINS

WILL Do you have a minute? FIGGINS Is it urgent? I dont have time to deal with your petty arguments with Sue Sylvester!

Will does a double-take, but moves past it. WILL Look, I need to talk to you about the Sound of Music auditions. Evelyn Sturgill wouldnt let one of my kids try out. FIGGINS Ive heard about it already, William! The school board is down my throat! WILL How? Did her dad call them? Worse! FIGGINS

SMASH CUT TO: INT. SCHOOL BOARD OFFICE - EARLIER A TERRIFIED SCHOOL BOARD EMPLOYEE sits behind his desk. RACHEL is on the edge of her seat across from him. QUINN is sitting next to her, leaned back and legs crossed, looking smug.


43 CONTINUED: RACHEL And I have two gay fathers, one of whom is a lawyer and both of whom are minorities! I dont think theyll be happy to hear that their daughters learning environment is supporting the propagation of inequality through the behavior of its teachers! Furthermore, I intend to contact the Actors Equity Association to inform them of the atrocities being committed in the name of the arts in our public school programs! I hope the Lima School System is prepared to deal with these consequences! Quinn smirks.

The school board employee stammers. WHIP BACK TO: INT. FIGGINS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS WILL stares at FIGGINS.

FIGGINS It took me twenty minutes to get the man to stop crying, William! This is worse than the time Sue Sylvester let her Cheerios loose in the wilderness! I cant have this kind of discrimination at McKinley! And during Teen Mentor Week of all times! WILL I agree completely. And I think we need to re-audition everyone. FIGGINS You deal with that, Schue. (MORE)


44 CONTINUED: FIGGINS (CONTD) I have to fire Sturgill before this makes headlines! I dont need a Vampire Hex on my school! The Asian ones are the worst kind! What? WILL

Figgins freezes. Will exits. INT. LIBRARY - DAY BRITTANY is sitting at a table next to a big stack of books. One lays open in front of her. TINA sits down. TINA Mercedes told me about your test. Nothing. FIGGINS Now get out!

Brittany looks up, frowning. TINA (CONTD) Whats with all the books? BRITTANY Im trying to read. Its really hard. I dont like it.

Tina chuckles. TINA Brittany, if you dont like reading, you dont have to read. Yes, I do. BRITTANY (MORE) (CONTINUED)

45 CONTINUED: BRITTANY (CONTD) If I dont read then I wont be smart and then no one will ever take me seriously.

Tina reaches across the table and shuts the book. TINA You dont have to prove anything, Brit. Youre the best dancer in the school, and the nicest person. I dont care who you sleep with, or how many people you sleep with, or how many tests you fail. You try. And you should be whoever you want to be. Thats all that matters.

Brittany looks at her with tears in her eyes. BRITTANY Quinn called me a slut. TINA Quinn says a lot of things she doesnt mean. And shes really not the poster child for good sex-related decision-making, if that makes you feel any better. BRITTANY I think I still failed the test. I couldnt remember anything. TINA But you tried.

She smiles, putting a gloved hand over Brittanys. Brittany smiles back, sniffling. QUINN walks up, fidgeting her fingers. Tina gets up.


46 CONTINUED: Quinn sits. TINA (CONTD) I should let you two talk. Brittany looks down at her closed book. QUINN Look, Brit - Im really sorry. BRITTANY Its okay. I get called a slut all the time. QUINN Its not though. Its a stupid word. And I love you, and shouldnt call you that. I shouldnt be such a bitch. BRITTANY Well... yeah. QUINN (quietly) I dont mean any of it. Theyre just stupid things I think I should say. I never mean them. I know. I know. BRITTANY They still hurt though. QUINN Then,

SILENCE settles between them.

BRITTANY If Im not a slut, then youre not a bitch. Pauses, swallowing back a few

Quinn laughs hollowly. tears.

QUINN I hope youre right. (CONTINUED)

47 COMMERCIAL INT. GLEE CLUB CLASSROOM - THE NEXT DAY The bell rings. WILL stands before the class. WILL Alright guys, a few announcements. We have re-held auditions for The Sound of Music, and I am proud to announce that the role of Maria is going to our very own Tina Cohen-Chang! The group applauds. Hollers. TINA grins ear-to-ear.

WILL (CONTD) And, the role of Captain Von Trapp will be played by none other than Noah Puckerman! Polite applause. Heads turn.

Confused looks. PUCK looks smug.



PUCK Yeah, man. Im down with a school musical. Im 100% man enough to play a dude named Georg. Plus, Captain Von Trapp was a total stud who hated the Nazis. It doesnt get more badass than that. WILL Youre gonna make a great Captain, Puck. And now, I want to turn the floor over to Mercedes and Santana. I believe they have a little treat for us.

SANTANA and MERCEDES share a knowing grin, and get up.


48 CONTINUED: MERCEDES Okay, so we worked really hard with Brittany this week so she could pass her math test.

BRITTANY looks up. FINN creates a drumroll on his knee. Mercedes shoots him a Look. No. Stop. MERCEDES (CONTD)

Finn ceases, frowning. Santana brandishes a piece of paper. She grins widely. SANTANA You gotsed a D, babygirl! BRITTANY (brightly)

Really? MERCEDES Honest-to-goodness. Everyone

She jumps up, and hugs Mercedes and Santana. applauds. WILL Were really proud of you, Brittany. MERCEDES But we also prepared a little song for you to do with us, no matter what grade you got.

The band strikes up the opening piano notes of DOO WOP (THAT THING). Brittany takes the first rap verse, and Mercedes the second. Santana sings the chorus melody. The whole Glee Club jumps up and starts dancing. Both Mercedes and Quinn make it a point to hug Brittany during the number.


49 INT. CAFETERIA - LATER RACHEL is sitting by herself, lunch in front of her. QUINN takes a seat across the table. QUINN So, Ive gotten really good at apologizing to people lately. Plays it cool.

Rachel looks up.

RACHEL I certainly hope you apologized to Brittany for calling her a slut. QUINN I did. And... I owe you at least a hundred apologies by now. Probably more. Probably. RACHEL Looks Rachel in the eye.

Quinn takes a deep breath.

QUINN Im sorry. For hundreds of things. Just in case that wasnt clear the first time I said it. Quinn ventures forward.

Rachel is stone-faced.

QUINN (CONTD) I dont know if youve noticed, but I dont have a lot of friends. RACHEL Me neither. You made sure of that.

Quinn winces, pushing out her chair. Scrambling to leave. QUINN You know what, Im sorry. Ill just leave you alone.

Rachel breaks into a small grin. (CONTINUED)

50 CONTINUED: RACHEL Wait, Quinn. (beat) I forgive you. For... hundreds of things.

Quinn awkwardly sits back down. QUINN We... make a good team. I couldnt have gotten Sturgill fired without you.

Rachel laughs. RACHEL Oh, thats not true. QUINN Okay, fine. I could have gotten her fired on my own. But if theres any two people in the school who could get a teacher fired, its us. RACHEL And Santana.

Quinn chuckles, nodding. QUINN And Santana.

SUE leans against the cafeteria wall, watching them converse. A smile plays at the corners of her mouth. EMMA stands next to her. EMMA I saw that. SUE (insulted) Saw what?

Emma smiles knowingly. (CONTINUED)

51 CONTINUED: EMMA I heard that the School Board got a visit from two very irate teenagers who threatened to sue. If I didnt know better, that sounds like something you would do. SUE I dont know what youre insinuating. I had nothing to do with that. Those two were stinking up my hallways with the foul stench of their self-absorbed boy feuds and I merely told them to get their acts together and stop embarrassing all of womankind. Im fairly confident Ive succeeded, and will continue to wipe this schools linoleum with Will Schuesters hair grease. Youre becoming increasingly useless yourself, I might add. EMMA I dont know, Sue: Brittany got a D on her own, taking my advice. No bribery. SUE So I heard. Well, you two can enjoy the sweet taste of victory for the first time in your lives, then. Ive got my own successes to revel in. But Emmas smile stays.

She turns and stalks off. INT. AUDITORIUM - NIGHT

A CHOIR OF NUNS sings Climb Evry Mountain. The curtain falls, and the ensemble comes together to take their bows.


52 CONTINUED: PUCK, still mohawked, and TINA, in pigtails, step centerstage, in full costume as the Captain and Maria. RACHEL and BRITTANY jump to their feet, Rachel dragging QUINN up by her elbow. The entire GLEE CLUB follows suit. MR. SCHUE whistles, and EMMA hollers. Puck bows, then gestures at Tina as she takes her bow and receives the applause. MIKE approaches the stage with a dozen red roses. hands them to Puck, who turns them over to Tina. Her grin lights up the whole room. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS SUE stands in front of the trophy case, polishing the golden cheerleader atop a trophy. She places it back in the case. The cheers from the auditorium faintly echo the hallway. Sue grunts in acknowledgement. Stares at her trophies. After a moment, she closes the case, turns her back, and retreats. She flips the light switch for the overheads. She walks away. Only the trophy case remains illuminated, glowing faintly in the dark. CUT TO BLACK He