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«How to Succeed in Business . ·Without Really Trying"
EXTERIOR OF THE WORLD WIDE WICKET COMPANY.
At the end of the overture the house curtain goes up. A one-man window washing machine descends with FINCH on it. He is wearing a window washer's coveralls. He works on a window with a squeegee and at the same time reads a pocket book, "How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying." We don't see FINCH'S face immediately. We then hear the voice of the book telling what FINCH is reading.
Dear Reader:· This little book is designed to tell you everything you need to know about the science of getting ahead. (FINCH turns front toward the audience, and turns page in the book.) Now let us assume you .are young, healthy, clear-eyed and eager, anxious to rise quickly and easily to the top of the business world. You can! FINCH: (Looking uP) I can! (He continues looking
BOOK VOICE: If you have education and intelligence and ability, so much the better. But remember that thousands have reached the top without any of these qualities. (Scaffold lowers to the floor.) Just have courage and memorize the simple rules in the chapters that follow. If you truly wish to be among the lucky golden few, you can!
HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS.
I can! (He puts squeegee down in pail to his
through the book rapidly and
left. He begins to' thumb starts to sing.)
How to apply for a job . . . (Steps 0jj sea fJold. ) . How to advance from the mail room .
(Sits on scaffold rail.)
How to sit down at a desk ... How to dictate memorandums . How to develop executive style . . . How to commute in a three button suit With that weary executive smile. This book is all that I need "How to, How to succeed."
(Exterior building drop out, revealing various OFFICE· PERSONNEL in a tableau showing office activity.) ACT 1 Scene 2
CORRIDOR FII'CH OF THE WORLD WIDE WICKET COMPANY.
now stands among continues singing.
crosses to center. and
How How How How How
to to to to to
observe personnel select whom to lunch with avoid petty friends .. begin making contacts ...
continues to look at book.)
BOOK\'OICE:How to choose the right company. Before applying for a job, make sure you have chosen the right company. It is essential that the company be a big one. It should be at least big enough so that nobody knows exactly what anyone else is doing. (FINCH then crosses U.R. abouc JENKINS, listening to their conversation. After each oj the following conversations, the various OFFICE PERSONNELresume the frozen poses.) GATCH: (U.R.) Say, joe, I've got a complaint from our dealers in Cleveland ... about that last shipment of wickets. They only got half their wickets. They ordered three hundred thousand. JENKINS: (L. oj Gatch) I know, Mr. Gatch, but they wanted two-toned wickets and we ran out. (FINCH crosses
JOHNSON: Ran out? What is this, a hot dog stand? GATCH: Look, this is the World "Vide Wicket Company. We're supposed to be the largest single producer of wickets in the world. ]E~KINS: Now take it easy, 1\1r. Gatch. There was trouble at our eastern plant ... a breakdown. GATCH: "VeIL get on the ball. I want to keep Cleveland wicket-minded. JENKINS: Yes, sir. (Crosses L. to AI atthews. FINCH crosses D.R. oj c.) Oh, Mr. Matthews, any news about the breakdown? MATTHEWS: (C.) Oh, I'm feeling much better. PETERSON: (L. oj C.) Oh, say, Tackaberry, did you get my memo? (FINCH crosses
TAcKABERRY: (Turns R. to Peterson) What memo? PETERSON: Xly memo about memos. We're sending out too many memos and it's got to stop. TACKABERRY:.-\11 right, I'll send out a memo.
(ALL still remain frozen.)
HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS
FINCH: (Crosses L.) The right company! (FINCH puts book in wire mail basket held by OFFICE Boyfarleft,remoues breakaway coveralls, tosses them offstage left, picks up book, begins to sing.) This book is all that I need ..How to, how to succeed." (FINCH crosses R. ROSEMARY enters L., carrying folder of papers. OFFICE PERSONNEL break freeze and exit. J. B. BIGGLEY enters R., surrounded by FOUR HENCHMEN. FINCH crosses R., bumps into BIGGLEY, knocks him down. HENCHMEN help him up, saying things like" Are you okay, Mr. Biggley?" etc.) BIGGLEY: Never mind-never work, everybody! mind. (A roar.) Back to
(THEY all scuttle offstage. ROSEMARYgoes a little more slowly and lingers at the left side, li"stening.) BIGGLEY: (To Finch) You heard me! I said back to work! FINCH: (_L. of Biggley) I'm sorry I bumped into you, sir, but I would like to apply for a job. BIGGLEY: A job? Do you know who I am? FINCH: No, sir. BIGGLEY: (Going right on) I'm J. B. Biggley. I'm president of this company, that's who I am. In fact, that's who the hell I am. How dare you come to me for a job? FINCH: I'm sorry, sir, but I ... BIGGLEY: Why do you think I have a personnel man? Why do you think I have a whole damned personnel departmznt? Son, you bumped into the wrong man. (Starts of] R.) Damn damn coal-burning dithering ding ding ding. ( He exits R.) ROSEMARY: (Crossing R.) I'm sorry. I know how hard it is to find a job. I've been through that kind of thing myself.
stopping him) Where do you . Miss. They tell the audience when Finch has. sir. I was just speaking to Mr.. You're very kind. I'm prepared for L. The smile is a gentle. (He starts for personnel. crossing L.) exactly this sort of thing. ROSEMARY: Say! My friend Smitty works in Personnel. Biggley? . below Rosemary.L. FINCH: Thank you. (Smiles out front. This particular smile should only be used in the key spots that are comes out of door. (Crosses R. Maybe she can help you.) It's right there.L. FINCH: Well. looks at him) Biggley? FINCH: Yes.successfully worked one of his ploys.s ROSEMARY: (Crossing FINCH: L. sir. .) You wait here.) Of course not.ACT I FINCH: WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 7 Thank you. BRATT: ]. BRATT BRATT: think you're going?· FINCH: To see the personnel manager.) . you're not discouraged? (Crosses L. below Finch.) (L. Miss. BRATT:' I'm the personnel manager and we're not hiring anyone today. NOTE: This smile is the first of several that Finch uses throughout the show. Finch should turn his head quickly to the audience and give them the smile directly. FINCH: Yes. He told me to see you. of Finch.. Could you tell me where the personnel office is? ROSEMARY: (Amazed) Personnel? (She points U.) FINCH: (Calling after her) But. B. it's not really . Biggley BRATT: (Stops. The staging of the other characters on stage should be so arranged that they are not even aware that Finch is smiling to the audience. sir. They are communications between Finch and the audience. (He shrugs and starts for the personnel door (Crosses V. ~Vhen he does it. (She exits R. It should look like a cat that just swallowed a canary and is happy about it. (Starts off R. . These smiles are very important. stopping him) You . Mona Lisa smile.. to c.
sees that Finch is gone. himself? You were speaking to him? FINCH: Yes. B. BRATT:Ah. sir. of c. Smitty. step into my office. Say. I know you can help him. sir. I think we can work something out. (Looks around.) BRATT: (Crosses L.) FINCH: As a matter of fact. SMITTY:But why this frantic.. is he a friend of yours? FINCH: (Modest hesitation) Sir. Smitty. L. He has a sort of H noble courage.) And you are . Smitty. it is. young man. Wherefore is this creep different from all other creeps? ROSEMARY: e's not a creep. (Laughs. He'll listen to you. Pierrepont Finch... Pierrepont Finch. Care 'should be taken that they are not overdone.8 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT I marked in the script. BRATT: Very well put.) This is important. (Extending his hanq. yet deep down I feel that he's sort of helpless. otherwise they will lose their impact. maybe that ought to be!. BRATT: (Smiling) Pierrepont. girl. ROSEMARY:(R. We've got to help this boy. P SMITTY: But why? Fill me in. H Go on in there. BRATT: (Stops laughing) Well. I don't think a man should trade on friendship to get a job. tugging SMITTYby the hand. Well. urgent urgency? ROSEMARY: lease. to Finch) ].. you could at least have let me-finish my Metreca1. SMITTY: Rosemary. Bratt's office. You're Bratt's secretary. Rosemary. sir. if you step into my office. (TH~Y both go u. I just bumped into him.) Where is he? SMITTY:How would I know? ROSEMARY: e must have gone into Mr. ROSEMARY reenters R. through the door. your mother instinct is a big drag. My name is Bratt.) SMITTY: (following Rosemary) Good God. Biggley. t- . FINCH: (Shaking his hand) Finch.
ROSEMARYand SMITTY watck with great interest. ) and BRATT: My secretary will take care of the forms and getting your particulars. to exit. crossing R.ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 9 (BRATT comes out oj his office. (FINCH is searching for matches in his pocket. (ROSEMARY and BRATT look at Smitty. Finch will be starting out in the mail room. Smitty. I just hope he hasn't got a girl.. Oh. Isn't he adorable? SMITTY: Adorable. of Finch) My name is Pilkington. ) SMITTY: Who is that? ROSEMARY: That's my helpless friend. FINCH: Sir. towards Rosemary Smitty. SMITTY: Even a barracuda. (L. Finch. Rosemary Pilkington. BRATT: Mr.. sir. of Finch. BRATT: Now..) BRATT: Let me do that. that's all settled. laughing at a joke. everyone must begin as a Iittle fish.) .) Nice to have you aboard. Smitty. (Reaches for matches. ROSEMARY: (Quickly steps in R. Helpless. Finch. no. patting him on shoulder. SMITTY: Hello. lights Finch's cigar.. FINCH: Happy to ship out with you. there. hello. maybe. ROSEMARY:Hi. ) BRATT: Well. will you . (FINCH and BRATT cross R. followed by FINCH who has a big cigar in his mouth. (GATCH enters R. Glad you don't mind that. this is our new Mr. Smitty. R-OSEMARY:Shut up.) BUD enters L. FINCH: Oh. in a big pond like this. Finch. addresses Bud.
Bud. ticulars. (To Finch.L. Biggley's nephew.) BRATT: (Crossing R. BUD: I beg your pardon. FINCH: (Offers hand) How do you do? (BUD ignores his hand. below Rosemary and Smitty. sir. off L.) I f I feel that anything is wrong. FINCH: Not BUD: Good.) This is Mr.Frump. to R. Mr. SMITTY: BRATT: (About to leave) Smitty. He's GATCH exits U. . I'm going to lunch.) FINCH: (BRATT stops. (Removes hat. I'm Bud. oj Finch. turns. If not . (Crosses R. as BUD approaches. Finch. Biggley phones . Finch. Finch.) This is Bud Frump. I phone my mother. BUD crosses L. gives Finch a look and exits into his office U. get Mr. oj Gatch) I don't know. you ambitious? necessarily. Biggley and Mrs. (Starts off R. She phones Mrs. turns. (Starts Glad to be playing with you.) BRATT: calling to Bud) Oh.10 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT I GATCH: Say. have you guys in the mail room sent out those wicket catalogs yet? BUD: (Stopping R. Just keep that in mind. I do not go crying to my uncle. ROSEMARY: ( R. Biggley's sister. above Finch. sir. If you just rememand remember who you are. BUD: Hello.. oj Bud) You'll go crying to your uncle. ber who I am fine.. into his office. below Finch.R. Biggley's nephew. GATCH: At eleven o'clock? Why? BUD: Because I'm the boss's nephew. Finch's par- Yes. we'll get on . going to be working with you in the mail room. nice to have you on our team. (Crosses L. Mr. Bud .) It happens that my mother is Mrs.) - BUD: Finch.
) ROSEMARY: (Crosses L. FINCH: I'm glad to be aboard. ROSEMARY:New Rochelle .) Rosemary.) Smitty. FINCH: (C. a girl. we'll get our business done. (He exits R. you see? ROSEMARY:I think he's fascinating. Mr. the first question. or let's say an emotional involvement.. HAPPY TO KEEP HIS DINNER ROSEMARY:New Rochelle WARM . Finch. (Crosses R. SMITTY: Ah. (Puts hat back on. uh. Finch. SMITTY: I've seen some ambitious characters around here.) Good luck. that's the right answer. SMITTY: .. can only lead to getting . SMITTY: Fine. Mr.L. ROSEMARY: (Crosses L.L. particulars. Biggley. Some women wouldn't. ROSEMARY:Have you got a girl? FINCH: A girl? No.) SMITTY: Well. Finch's particulars. Miss Pilkington. I mean.ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 11 Mr. ROSEMARY:That's very intelligent. are you through with Mr. a man like you doesn't have to worry about someone like him. FINCH: (Below door U. Rosemary. Finch? ROSEMARY:For the moment.invalved emotionally. I mean.L. ROSEMARY: Good.) That's the democratic way. but this boy is the eagerest beaver of them all. as she -and FINCH cross L. Rosemary Pilkington.) Now if you'll just step into my office. Mr. No . Now. (Crosses L. SMITTY: Huh? ROSEMARY: Or maybe White Plains. yes. two steps) Mr. Finch.. You see.) I'm glad you understand. Finch. to Smitty. I feel that when a man wants to rise in the world of business.) Thank you. you were going to get Mr. (He exits into Bratt's office V. (Indicates office U.Yes. Miss ROSEMARY:Pilkington. it's very wise not to have a girl. below Rosemary to Finch..
- 12 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT 1- SMITTY: What are you talking about? ROSEMARY:New Rochelle SMITTY: What about it? ROSEMARY: That's the place where the mansion will be.) (ROSEMARY speaks. Waiting to say: "Good evening. right through me.. For me and the darling. to be loved By a man I respect. The wife of my darling tycoon. I'm pregnant. . . SMITTY: The future Mrs.L.) ROSEMARY:I'm prepared for exactly that sort of thing. I . ROSEMARY:Smitty.) (Traveller closes. Your darling tycoon will be here in the office. ) I'll be there waiting until his mind is clear. crosses R. Happy to keep his dinner warm 'Til he comes wearily home from downtown. (Sits. SMITTY: Honey..L. (Crosses U. Finch is in for some lonely nights. __ ..) ._ .) Oh.-- --------. you'll be in New Rochelle. So it isn't a moment too soon (Crosses L. dear. what's new with you from downtown?" (Rises.. youngman I've picked out for marrying me. While he looks through me. to Smitty.. (ROSEMARY sings. To bask in the glow Of his perfectly understandable neglect. ( Crosses R.) He'll do wen.) I'll be so happy to keep his dinner warm While he goes onward and upward. I can tell. bright. (She exits into her office U._ _.) To plan on my life in New Rochelle.
) BUD: There's no coffee! ALL: (A buzz) No coffee! No coffee! SMITTY: (c. take off office machine covers . Happy to keep his dinner warm 'Til he comes wearily home from downtown." They sit down at their desks.ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 13 Oh. GIRLS enter L. ACT I Scene 3 The outer office oj the World Wide Wick·et Company. darling busy frown. and R. (ALL take front. Such heaven Wearing the wifely uniform While he goes onward and upward.The last GIRL dashes on. saying "Good morning. A MAN sticks his head out on stage L. A long line is hurriedly formed across stage before the coffee machine. There are two rows oj desks with typewriters. to belong in the aura Of his frown. holds his cup under the spigot.. and yells. goes to front of line. . OTHER (MAN pushes on coffee machine SONNEL OFFICE PER- enter L. adding machines and standard office equipment. KRUMHOLTZ: MAN: Coffee break! Mrss It's about time! L.) No coffee? BUD: No coffee. gets to her place just ready for them all to begin work. briskly.) . BUD FRUMP enters R.
) SMITTY: That office light doesn't have to be fluorescent. no coffee. If I can't take my coffee break. no coffee. My coffee break. no coffee. to L.) Something within me dies .Something wi thin me dies ALL: c. ALL: Lies down and something within me dies! (ALL collapse again.14 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT I SMITTY: No coffee.) Something within me dies: (ALL collapse. no coffee.) And taste cardboard between my lips. (THEY all groan and collapse onto stage. ". (ALL crowd around machine. BUD pushes machine SMITTY crosses C. SMITTY: If I can't make three daily trips Where shining shrine benignly drips..) . (ALL sit up. no coffee. A DANCER: No coffee.i.) FRUMP: If 1 can't take my coffee break. 1'11get no pains in the head. Lies down and _ (ALL fadeup. But only one chemical substance Gets ou t the lead: ALL: Like she said! If I can't take my coffee break.. So if I spread. A DANCER: No coffee. (ALL sit up. of machine. . so I spread. ~. my coffee break. no coffee. That office chair doesn't have to be foam rubber. ALL DANCERS: No coffee.
GIRL enters from of coffee. (R. (ALL scream as a DANCER jumps into orchestra pit. ALL: All gone and something within me dies. my coffee break. ALL: SMITTY: (Collapses into Boy's arms.) BUD: Somewhere I don't metabolize ALL: Coffee. of c. .) carrying steaming pot . oj c.\LL: (T hey cross to c. dies ~• R. no coffee A DANCER: No coffee ALL: No coffee. no coffee.) Somehow the soul no longer tries . crosses to L.R. against portal. ALL: No coffee. ALL spread out.) Coffee or otherwise~ coffee or otherwise.) If I can't take my coffee break. SMITTY and BUD: Gone is the sense of enterprise . ALL cross to coffee machine C. (Ajter number.) ALL: Coffee. Coffee or otherwise.ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 15 (ALL cross n.) My coffee break. Something inside of me . . no coffee. coffee SMITTY and BUD: Something wi thin me . no coffee. no cof- fee. no coffee. no coffee. coffee (D. If I can't take my coffee break.
You know.) BUD: (Quickly) Finch. to girl. Miss Pilkington. FINCH enters L. BUD: The executive mail is my job..) ROSEMARY: (Rises.----~---- ------ ----------~- --~-~~-- 16 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT I BUD: (Crosses L. Bud Frump is just jealous of you. into executive suite. huh? I can't even take a coffee break around here! FINCH: But.R. Plan to rise. FINCH: (Crosses L. Some of your rivals will not have the advantage of this knowledge. rotten. I'm merely trying to do my job. to Finch) That's rotten.) What's that? GIRL: A coffee pot. A MAN pushes 'coffee machine off R.. if you have any ideas of climbing a ladder around here. crosses R. Finch. with basket oj mail. (Takes mail from Finch. BUD: Coffee! (They all yell "Coffee!" and go off L. oj Bud) It's the executive mail. to Finch. ROSEM~Y has entered L. below Finch and exits U . You are working in the mail room. One word of caution about the mail room: It is a place out of which you must get. She goes to her desk. He is reading his book. during this. He's trying to keep the big executives from noticing you. .. (Crosses R. except FIVE of the GIRLS cross to upstage row of desks and go to work. below Rosemary) Thank you for defending me. where are you going? What have you got there? FINCH: (R. carrying small vase of flowers. but you are forearmed.-. Do not get stuck in the mail room.) Trying to get in good on the inside. BUD: I'll take that. the view is going to get awfully monotonous. rotten. (BUD enters L.) BOOK VOICE: You have alertly seized your opportunities and are now on the first rung of the ladder. Every time you look up you'll see the seat of my pants.
I mean . FINCH: Huh? ROSEMARY:That's Miss Jones. Mr. And you.. FINCH crosses up to row of desks. ROSEMARY:Okay. again.~---- --~-------------- ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 17 ROSEMARY:Please call me Rosemary. ROSEMARY:Now. The big executives will notice you. (She accepts it in a puzzled fashion.) I'd better look busy. (She stops suddenly. It goes with your hair. puts flower in his buttonhole. to her desk. FINCH: Thank you. . Mr. that is you just can't be. She crosses D. I haven't forgotten. MISS JONES enters L..) FINCH: No. to her) That doesn't matter. ..) You should be wearing this. heading toward executive suite U. anrn versary..) Happy . FINCH suddenly turns and follows Miss Jones. too . (Starts away L.. looks offstage. At least you notice me. Ponty.) FINCH: Pardon me.. to Finch.. I'd .) Oh oh. Ponty. Mr. looking busy. '... Biggley's secretary. FINCH: Patient! Do you realize I've been working here for one whole week! ROSEMARY: I know. ma'am. (FINCH stops. L.L. What matters is that the flower seemed to cry out to be worn by you. ROSEMARY fools with papers. (FINCH stops. (She crosses L. Biggley's secretary. Just be patient. Here comes Judith Anderson ..presses it into her hand.R. FINCH: Okay. Rosemary. Rosemary.) :YiISS JONES: Young man. (Starts U. ROSEMARY:I wish I were an executive. (She sits. FINCH: Call me Ponty.. I'm Miss jones.) FINCH starts away MISS JONES: Young man. (He takes flower from his buttonhole. you can't be. Finch .) You just want me to have this flower? You don't know who I am? FINCH: (Crosses R.
) l\1ISS JONES: (To Finch) Mr. Gatch. I'm not supposed to deliver the executive mail. GATCH: ( R. of Miss Jones. Post-Administrative Research. F-R-U-M-P. below her. FI:--:CH: Oh.. and Multiple Development on a multi-level level. kneels L. ma'am. (FINCH. You're a very interesting young man. F-I-N-C-H.. Also Pre-Promotional Promotion. ties shoelace. I think you're a very attractive person. 1. ------ 18 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT I i\IISS JONES: Why not? FINCH: (Crosses R. i\. Finch. You should know him. Finch.) I'd like an appointment with the boss at around three. of Miss Jones) Ah.) Plans and Systems and Interdepartmental Evaluation.:\lISS JONES: This was given to me by a very mce young man. (Crosses L. FINCH: Thank you.. Miss Jones. flowers.ATCH: Say. FINCH: If it's not out of place for me to say so.. You got a new boy friend. Gatch? GATCH: Hello. below her) Oh. That's his job. Jonesy? . GATCH enters R. (They shake hands. Miss Jones. you're not a frightening person. Gatch would be a good man for you to know. . Bud Frump. I'd never have . :\'11SSJONES: \Vhat did you say your name was? FINCH: Finch. Gatch.. :v1ISSJONES: (Pinning flower on her suit) I'll check on it. He's in charge of (Rattling it off. I know all about Mr. hearing Gatch's voice.. I mean .. MISS JONES: Mmmmm. Pierrepont Finch . Jonesy . No matter what Bud Frump says. Finch? FINCH: (He pops up quickly) Yes? ~1ISS JONES: Finch. FI!':CH: How do you do. Well.) (. to her) Well.IISS JONES: How is it I haven't seen you before? FINCH: (Crosses R. this is Mr. His department is very important. Miss JONES: Thank you.~~ . and let you know. from Bud Frump's description of you. thank you very much. Mr.. Milt.
FINCH goes to Rosemary at desk. FINCH: You're welcome. You've got to pick up the second delivery.R.) Say._- --------~---- - --------------------- ------. MISS JONES: (Snapping) Miss Jones. I guess it is important for you to be nice to Miss Jones.-------. Rosemary.) FINCH: I'm glad you understand that.) FINCH: Very fine man. I didn't know I did all that.R.. FINCH: Rosemary.. (He exits R. surely you don't begrudge an old lady a moment of happiness. Bud. Miss Jones. Turns to Rosemary) Well.) Got to go to work now. to Finch) Finch.~· . (Starts of] R. (He exits R. he has. MISS JONES: Yes.) Hi. SMITTY crosses D.) FINCH: Righto. to desks. BUD looks after her. below Finch. See you later. then looks suspiciously at Finch. (She exits U. Gatch. (SMITTY enters from executive suite and observes this. steps to executive suite. this is a smart one.) ROSEMARY: (She rises] crosses R. . I hear he has an opening in his department. Mr.. Rosemary. old buddy boy. FINCH crosses u. Rosemary.. but he hasn't been able to make up his mind. young man. jonesy. how are you doing? ~f'~ ~ 'I. Well.R. BUD: (Crosses D.R.-~~~-~-~--------- -----~------~-- ACT I . puzzled.. ) SMITTY: (Meaningfully. puzzled.) FINCH: (Turns away from Bud] starts L. quit goofing off. (She starts U. thank you for the flower. looking after Finch. Jonesy. from executive suite. WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 19 GATCH: (To Miss Jones) Hey. ROSEMARY:Well. Thanks for the flower. (BUD exits of} L. BUD enters U. to Finch) Thanks for the flower? You gave my flower to Miss Jones. RoseBUD: mary . (Crosses L.
. speaking on the phone. No. comes in on time... Hello.) Thanks. (Rises. . crosses behind counter..==~ ~:_. Miss Jones? . There is a small counter stage L.20 HO\V TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT I ROSDIARY: (Crosses R. .. Smitty.. Talks to himself as he starts dialing. . you know. BUD: Hello? Give me an outside line. (Annoyed. There's going to be a new head of the mail room and I want the job.. -.. Oh.. .) CUR. . __. His intercom is heard buzzing.. ..o-=. "'/ ~ -'-~--. never goofs off.. to Smitty'.. Mother? Bud. He's . ) BIGGLEY:(Gruffiy crisp) Yes. A business man. ~0W. I know I left without my sweater. I don't know.) One of these days when I'm running the show around here. oj the counter. (BLACKOUT.-. wha t's the opposite of a sex maniac? S~IITTY.. Mother. look. this call is not personal. he's . but it's warm. I'm calling my mother . with a stool to the R. (T he)' exit off R..) ACT I Scene 4 THE :\IAIL ROOM. BUD FRUMP is seated on the stool. he works hard.. a real rat. I'll clear out the whole ... I know I'm next in line.. but there's a new fellow working here that has me worried. BIGGLEY is seated at his desk. what do you want. Oh." _. I just found out something important. he's polite ... Front spot on Biggley desk unit on R. ... .~ .... You've got to call Aunt Gertrude and .. -~~------.. _'_'_--'~----- ..
(Clicks. That's when your nephew is a goddamn fool. It would upset the whole team. Turns to L. puts his hand in. FINCH enters with mail bag. (Secretively. I've told you that talking to my wife upsets me.. Gertrude. I can't help Bud there..) Ahhhh. crosses to L... stops at R. What's on your mind? I'm busy. The head of the mail room should pick his own successor..? BIGGLEY: Miss Jones. tell he? I'm busy.s. BUD: UFho has been standing u. Miss JONES' \'OICE: Yes.) TWIMBLE: Let's get going. Glad you called. your wife is calling."OICE: (Over intercom) Mr. oj TWIMBLE) Mmmmm. Twimble. Mr. (Hangs up. dammit. Uh huh . l\IISS JONES' \'OICE: I put it in the back of your right hand bottom drawer. To himselj:) Dammit. put her on! (Picks up phone and his voice becomes a pproximatciy affectionate. BIGGLEY: Thanks. pulls out knitting. TWIMBLE enters. I can't switch signals in the middle of a play. I'll see. Mr. 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 (Front SPOT dims out. Uh huh .. Well. Gertrude.. (Pushes button and speaks into intercom.'Q ACT I \VITHOlJT REALLY TRYING 21 :\IISS JONES' . Miss JONES' . I need something to calm my nerves. Well. .) (Dim up on mail room. FINCH: (R.. 1've already started sorting."OICE: Well. tell her I'm in a meeting. BI(~GLEY: Well. edge oj counter) Yes. tell her I'm out.. end oj counter.) Miss Jones ..) you know . . B. boys. If I interfered that would be nepotism. Opens bottom drawer. oj Finch. JoB. you said to put her on and B1GGLEY: Kever mind that. Nepotism. Biggley. sir.. Where IS my.) Hello.
Mr. . Twimble. pushing F inch to c. No! Mail room." he said.) Well. Mr." .) It's for you. it won't do y~u any good. above Twimble. mail roomery.) . it looks as if they're going to promote old Twimble to the shipping department. FINCH: Good God. "the mail room is the nerve center of this mighty organization. Twimble. Bratt in Personnel. I would like to tell you I'm very pleased with your work. that's a great honor. Well. (Crosses R. (Phone RINGS. Thanks very much. oj Finch as TWIMBLE hangs up the phone' and crosses R. And we want you to choose him on merit. You're trying to butter up Twimble.. (Calls. TWIMBLE: I got 'you. you know . does that mean I have to have an angle? BUD: If anybody's going to get his job. sir. FINCH: (Quickly) Congratulations. Coming from you. as head of this entire mail room. Bud? BUD: You know. this may be a very important call for some of us. On merit alone. to the boys. BUD counters to R. boys. TWIMBLE: You really have an inborn gift for mailroomery. (FINCH crosses above Bud to R. FINCH: Thank you.Tdr. but Mr. "Twimble. . believe me.) BUD: (Picks up phone) Hello. Hello. (Stops as he hears TWIMBLE speak.. FINCH: Thank you. BUD: (Just as quickly) Who's going to be the new head of the mail room? TWIMBLE: I won't say till it's official. Bratt. Bud.22 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT I TWIMBLE: Finch. stage. Bratt is going to leave the choice to me. edge oj counter. You've been an outstanding mail room head and we want you to choose your successor.) TWIMBLE: (Going to phone) Ah. Just because I'm being nice to a man. BUD: (To Finch) What's the idea? FINCH: What's the idea of what. Just a minute.
There I'll stay. to Finch. . I have -somebody else in mind for this job. (Crosses L.) Gee.".) TWIMBLE: Smoke. haven't you? TWIMBLE: Long. to Twimble. Well. above Twimble. get a medal like this. long time. Last month I became a quarter-of-a-century man. He's going to call his mother. (Crosses R. I said to myself. I stuck to that And I haven't had one in years! FINCH: (L. FINCH: That's beautiful. (He exits quickly L. young man. Well. TWIMBLE: A quarter of a century. Ho ho. Twimble . Yep. of Twimble) You play it safe! TWIMBLE: I play it the company way.) But it's not going to help him if I have anything to say. FINCH: But what is your point of (view)? TWIMBLE: I have no point of view. diplomacy and bold caution. Ho ho. It takes a combination of skill. "N ow) brash young man Don't get any ideas..) . FINCH: (After a moment) Mr. below Twimble) You've been with this company a long time. (Shows medal on his lapel." . FINCH: How long have you been in the mail room? TWIMBLE: Twerity-five years.. ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 23 BUD: That's not fair. (Crosses R. a quarter of a century. it's not easy to. Wherever the company puts me.) I'm going out to get a smoke. TWIMBLE: Yes? FINCH: (Crosses L. THE COMPANY WAY TWIMBLE: (To audience) When I joined this firm As a brash.
L. above Twimble.. . (Crosses R. then goes back in place. FINCH: The company furniture? TWIMBLE: Oh it suits me fine . TWIMBLE: That is no .) TWIMBLE: All company policy is by me okay! FINCH: You'll never rise up to the (top) TWIMBLE: But there's one thing clear.) Suggested to resign! FINCH: So you play it the company way. FINCH: The company letterhead is (so) TWIMBLE: A valentine! FINCH: Is there anything you're against? . TWIM~LE: Unemployment [ FINCH: When they want brilliant thinking from employees. TWIMBLE: It smiles at executives.concern of mine. FINCH: Suppose a man of genius makes suggestions.24 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT I FINCH: Supposing the company thinks TWIMBLE: I think so too! FINCH: What would you say if TWIMBLE: I wouldn't say! FINCH: Your face is a company face.. TWI1vIBLE: Watch that genius get (Points D.
. FINCH: You certainly found a home! TWIMBLE:It's cozy! FINCH: Your brain is a company brain. what style. what punch! FINCH: The company restaurant? TWIMBLE: Ev'ry day same lunch! Their haddock sandwich. TWIMBLE:Early in the week! FINCH: (Stops dead) Do you have any hobbies? TWIMBLE: I've a hobby. TWIMBLE: The company washed it and now I can't complain.ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 25 Whoever the company fires. . below Twimble) I must try it. Executive policy Is by me okay! FINCH: How can you get anywhere (in the) TWIMBLE: Junior. I will still be here! . it's delicious! FINCH: (Crosses L. still he blitzes me In ev'ry game. FINCH: The company magazine? TWIMBLE: Boy.. FINCH: And do you play it nicely? TWIMBLE: Play it nicely . like that! FINCH: Why? TWIMBLE: 'Cause I play it the company way. have no fear. I play gin with Mister Bratt.
Finch.) to BRATT: Hello. (BUD reacts with annoyance. let's get back to work. have you heard from my uncle today? BRATT: No. FINCH crosses to R. (BRATT enters L. I will still be here! FINCH: You will still be here. Mr.) FINCH: Thanks.26 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT I Whoever the company fires. (BUD stops dead. BOTH: Never take a risk -al year! TWIMBLE: Well. BUD: (Turns to L. but who have you picked to fill them? TWIMBLE: Well. .) BRATT: (Crosses R. BRATT: Congratulations. Bratt. They may be promoting me. oj counter. crosses R. ' . EVERYONElooks at Finch in astonish- ment. Bratt. you're head of shipping. it's all set. BUD: I'm going out for a smoke. . TWIMBLE: Thanks. to Finch below Twimble) Are you turning this job down? . As of today. I think your man is young Finch. Twimble. Twimble. Bratt. men. I've given it a good deal of thought. oj Bratt) Say. Twimble. pro and con. quickly with a big smile. How's your mother? BUD: What mother? TWIMBLE: (To Finch) What mother. (Crosses above counter. TWIMBLE: Year after year after fiscal. BUD enters L.) Go ahead. (Starts off L. but I can't accept.) Hi. humming. Bud.must go through. Mr. Well. but till then the mail . Bud. your shoes are going to be hard to fill.) BRATT: Now let's talk about your successor . (They shake hands.
But it's all right. (Phone RINGS.) _ T\vIMBLE~ (Crosses R. BRATT: (To Biggley) The whole team is greater than any single player. surprise-wise. BRATT: (Acting as a quiet voice announcer to Biggley) He says no individual is as important as the whole company. we had picked someone else. The young fellow we picked turned the job' over to Bud.. Knowing you has taught me a lot. Gentlemen. j.' . the great thing you have taught me is that no individual is as important as the whole company. let me explain. . FINCH: (C.) Go ahead. Twimble. J . he doesn't seem to be out of his mind.. j. FINCH:' Mr. Finch. ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 27 FINCH: That's right.B. BUD: I'm going to call my mother and tell her.B. (To Finch. (He exits L.B. Yes.. He was explaining about it when you called. as long as he feels that way . No.. . TWIMBLE: (Crosses L. this is something . BUD: (Caught off guard) You're kidding. I understand your problem. FINCH: (Crosses above Twimble to his L. This is Bratt. below Bratt to Finch) I don't understand.) The whole team is greater than any single player. sir. A man who has been here longer than 1.. Well. ..) BRATT: (Picking up phone) Hello. I mean.. I recommend Bud Frump. He thinks Bud is better qualified . I think there is a man who is better qualified . BRATT: (He listens a moment) Oh. TWIMBLE: (To Finch) It's the big boss. to Twimble) Well. Actually. to Bud) Bud Frump? BRATT: (Crosses L. FINCH: (Getting louder) The whole crew is greater than anyone oarsman. Twimble.) Mr.
FINCH: Gatch.B.?It. See you later.B. I just remembered. don't I have to take this mail to Mr. whole omelette is bigger than any egg. BRATT: Gatch. BRATT: (Crosses R. FINCH: (Does his smile. (Hangs up.. Oh. I did . Crosses R. that great. FINCH: (Looking at letters on counter) Oh. t FINCH: (To whole crew is greater than anyone whole salad is bigger than any piece of whole salad is . Twimble. FINCH: Me? A junior executive? BRATT: Your generosity and thoughtfulness may prove to have been a really good thing for you. Gatch? TWIMBLE: Gatch? . Bratt. Right. Twimble. BRATT: The FINCH: The BRATT: Isn't doesn . .. arm around Finch) Finch. (FINCH looks back to Twimble.. Mr. well. Bratt. then speaks) He is? BRATT: I'm going to talk to him about you. Mail fiat flies out. Gatch is looking for a junior executive in his department. to me. FINCH: By George. H' name. FINCH: (Crosses R.) Good luck. BRATT: Say. Mr. Mr. (Shakes TWIMBLE'S hand. . Biggley. - ----~- 28 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT I oars- BRATT: The man. I'm going to keep an eye on him myself.. Weare now in the outer office. to Finch. you did a very wise thing. J. Mail room slides off L. ethical behavior always pays. ? I't s F' h IS Inc. above Bratt and massages his shoulders lightly) Glad to help.) matter FINCH: That doesn't what was right. you can hear him.) BRATT: F-I-N-C-H. Bratt) F-I-N-C-H. Yeah. (TWIMBLE follows. Mr. FINCH: Gatch. FINCH: The lettuce.? Sort of chokes you up. BRATT: I appreciate it. J.-------~~----.) Finch.. you got me off the spot with Mr.
Bud. (BUD takes one step down.) . I just want to make sure that things are done the right way. BRATT: Come along. to Finch) Thanks. Mr. TWIMBLE: It's just that . Twimble. (They exit off R.) BUD: I know what you mean. From now on . (Imitating Twimble with his hands at his sides. BUD: (Crosses L. (Dropping hands to his sides. (BUD and TWl!\IBLE both drop hands to their sides. Ponty okayed it. I was promised the job.) 29 BUD: My mother was very happy. Twimble. to Twimble c. (They all gather around and ap plaudr.) _ BUD: (Crosses L. I think so too. Ponty.) ALL: Whatever the company tells him. Bud Frump. • (BoY DANCER salaams.~~-~--- . I've been here a long time.---- ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING (BUD enters from R. Wherever the company puts me there I'll stay. BRATT: (Addressing the office) Boys and girls.) BUD: Whatever my uncle may think. Finch. TWIMBLE: (Stamps joot on the floor) Wait a minute. I'm still wondering why he did this for me.-. that he'll do. . -~ ---- --- ----~ --~ -~~~~~~ - ~ ---- ------------------. A quarter of a century.) I'll play it the company way. I want to talk to you. I still think my original choi ce 0 f a man was bes t. TWIMBLE: (Sharply) So am 1... BUD: (Going right on) We'll have ITO reneging. Bud.. . wait a minute. old man. meet the new head of the mail room...) He sure amazed me.. BUD: (Frantic) Now wait a minute.. FINCH: Good luck.
(Applause.) BUD: The Frump way is the company way. BUD: Hooray! Hooray! (BUD crosses L. Executive policy is by him okay! ALL: I'll never be president but there's one thing clear. TWIMBLE: BUD: ALL: Old Bud is no longer the Frump he used to be. Two Boys form chair and GIRL dusts it.) Twenty-five year employee.) I'll seeto it that the medal (B UD sit's on the simulated chair.----~-~-----~~--~~- --------- 30 ALL: HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS 00-00-00 ACT I he's beaming with company pride. BUD: I've conquered that over-ambitious rat inside. We know the company may like or lump any man .. to Twimble. GIRL comes and sits on his lap.. BUD: I'm happy! .) ALL: I will someday earn my medal (ALL bow. the company may dump any man ..) Is the only thing they'll ever pin on me.. (BUD and GIRL rise. (MEN lift BUD on their shoulder. (ALL lean in. I will still be here. BUD crosses R.) As long as my uncle can stand me.) BUD: I'm so proud! ALL: And if they choose to. I pledge to the company sweet conformity.
R. lunch is BRATT exits L. I'm always available. two steps) You should have someone around all the time to help you think things out. FINCH: You were right. In fact. dation and . to Finch) Ponty. everybody. Frump will play it the company. It's a celebration. that's wonderful. FINCH: Maybe I should. . ROSEMARY: (Crosses L. ROSEMARY: (Turns to him) Ponty. BRATT: (L. Rosemary. BRATT enters R. Rosemary.) Boys and girls. the company man. Mr. oj Finch) I want to I have another announcement (They applaud and start to carry BUD off.) to make. it's cancelled! Wait a minute! (They carry him off L. Gatch is taking young Finch into his department as a junior executive. . ROSEMARYenters L.) BUD: Wait a minute! Just a minute! That Dutch.R. D.) BUD: Come on. GATCH exits R. One of these days I hope I can show my appre. .wonderful. I told you to have patience. (They applaud and start off L.. Frump! (After number ALL 'crowd around BUD center stage. Frump will play it the company way. holding a pantomime conversation. FINCH: (Backing off a little) You're sure .) ROSEMARY: (Crosses D.. invite all of you to have lunch on me. with FINCH and crosses to GATCH.ACT I ALL: WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 31 But they will never dump Frump. Frump will play it the company. Thanks. wonderful. (CROWD stops.
) Ah. I'll meet you at the elevator. FINCH: Yes.) I didn't mean what about lunch?. GATCH: (Letting her go) I've got to stop reading Playboy. Gatch. FINCH: (Turns to her) Love to what? ROSEMARY: You said "what about lunch. FINCH: What about lunch? ROSEMARY:I'd love to. They stand on riser talking. sir. (He exits R. I'll get my coat. I can put you on my expense account. (She goes R. Mr. Mr. FINCH: Lunch? In the Executive Club? Me? GATCH: Sure.. ROSEMARYre-enters from R. a very cute place. comes downstage. Gatch. (He puts his arms around her.) Let's see.) ROSE)'lARY: (Getting loose) Please. Mr.'" Gee. (He exits L. . Gatch. now wearing suit jacket) . JENKINS exits U..) GATCH: Okay.) FINCH: (Left alone. I'll buy you lunch in the Executive Club up on the roof. crosses L. (GATCH starts off R. where will we go? Say.) FINCH: (Re-entering from L. I know. called The Hungry T.R.32 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT I ROSEMARY:Lunch! FINCH: Huh? ROSEMARY:I said lunch. . GATCH: Come on.) GATCH: Say. FINCH: It's a great honor.. Finch .. below him. dear. fine. Mr. There's a little tearoom. I meant what about lunch? I mean . seeing you always brightens up my days. Now that you're a junior exec. It's very reasonable. I'll get my things and meet you right here. (GATCH enters with JENKINS from executive suite. Rosemary. GATCH: How's the young-junior executive feeling? FINCH: Fine. I thought you'd never ask me... (Crosses R. Gatch. GATCH sees Finch. to C.
(FI NCR closes book and goes u. ROSE:. ROSEMARY starts reprise. I know blood is thicker than water. is . takes red flower from vase. Intercom BUZZES.L..d. Nothing can stop you now. listen to me. into executive suite. Now. starts to read. I'll promote him when' Trri ready. Gertrude.) BOOK YOICE: If you have followed the simple instructions exactly as outlined. and sits at third desk from center. dear. crosses back and puts it in Finch's lap. you're all fired! (H angs up.R. darnmit.) ROSEMARY: Happy to keep his dinner warm Till he comes wearily home.. but Bud' Frump 'thicker than anything. . Good-bye.) Just fine. I've got a surprise for you. seated at desk. Congratulations. (Crosses V. B IGGLEY: (On phone) Yes. below her) Yep. Gatch is taking me to lunch. Ponty.. you should by now be a junior . But. Gertrude. Miss Jones. dear. Rosemary. How. is on phone talking to his wife.1ARY crosses u.the next time Bud complains to his mother and she calls you and you call me. " . ROSEMARY: To lunch? F1 N CH: (Crosses R. (He starts of} IL.1ARY: You look fine.) Yes. ACT I Scene 5 HIGGLEY. to her desk. speaks gruffly. stops at side and takes out book. B1GGLEY clicks switch. FINCH: Thanks. HAPPY TO KEEP HIS DI1VNER ll'ARkf. :VIr. looking after Finch. yes. . executive. Have a good time.ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 33 Rosemary. do I look? ROSEr-. I haven't got time for this nonsense about Bud .
"OICE: She says you'll know. stop and join the GROUP that's admiring her. HEDY LA RUE is standing stage center.) You. I'd like you to do me a favor. She stands perfectly poised in a statuesque pose.. straightens his tie. 'Bye.... get me Bratt in personnel right away."OICE: There's a young lady who insists on speaking with you. you knew I wouldn't forget. One moment. She is a dish.34 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT I MISS JONES' . Well. At one moment a FEW OF THEM cross the stage one after another.) Hello . then as gruff as ever) Oh. Her name is La Rue. crosses stage L..) Miss Jones. As the black 'velour flies up. OF same as Scene 2. put her on. I wonder if you could find a spot for a a young lady. (Clicks intercom switch. They seem to be totally absorbed in the papers they are carrying. A beautiful dish. (Clicks intercom. (He pushes another button on phone. Wants to be a secretary. Well. Then in low. but just too much of everything. be here tomorrow. then suddenly see HEDY.. not very bad taste. put her on. picks up phone. J. an old friend of the family's.B. Hedy La Rue. Not very loud. She's . Mr. (Back to phone. MEN begin to enter as though drawn by some invisible cloud of perfume.pause. Got a good head on her shoulders.. I'll take care of everything. ACT I Scene 6 THE CORRIDOR THE WORLDWIDE WICKET COMPANY. Bratt. uh . BIGGLEY: (Small . now. She's a bright girl. BIGGLEY:What's she want-what's her name? MISS JONES' . BUD FRUMP enters' R. She says it's personal. She is dressed somewhat like a Latin Quarter showgirl who has struck it rich. Fine.stops dead in . intimate voice and with a strong air of mystery. Her dad was a classmate of mine at Old Ivy. B.) Hello.
-'-~'-. Sorry to have kept you wai ting. talks to the MEN stage R. I was very naughty this morning. not really. crosses below H edy. not at all.---~- . sir: It is I whom am late. Bratt of Personnel.------ ~-- --~ --~- - -----~-~---- -----~~--------~-~-------~ ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 35 his tracks. (MISS KRUMHOLTZand GIRL enter R. I'm Bud Frump. B.) BRATT: Miss La Rue? (Two GIRLS and Two MEN enter R.) HEDY: Yeah? i mean. HEDY: Oh. to L. turns back. Biggley's nephew.. BUD: I spotted that the minute you came in. J. thank you. yes. BRATT: Oh. I'm still not accustomed to early arisal. L.. jollowed by SMITTY. You see.. Of course. talks to the group of MEN stage. how do you do? I'm waiting for Mr. (BRATT enters U.) Miss. I'm a secretary. . oj Hedy. HEDY: Oh.. crosses R.L. Personnel.) BUD: (After he recovers) You don't understand. straightens his tie and crosses to the L.) HEDY: Oh. OTHER OFFICE PERSONNELenter. oj Hedy. yes? ilRATT: I'm Bert Bratt.) HEDY: (JVith a slight regal toss oj her head) Scram.. HEDY: Oh.----~-~-----~-~-. BUD: Can I help you.. L'rn new at this and . (BOTH cross D. She looks him over very carefully jor a good long time and finally she speaks. (EVERYBODY reacts.S. honey? (HEDY turns to look at him.
A SECRETARY IS NOT A TOY BRATT: A secretary is not a toy. Well. Miss La Rue will be assigned according to normal procedure as soon as her qualifications have been determined. (BRATT re-enters. to Bratt. BRATT: Yes. HEDY: (Leaning across BRATT) How are you. isn't she something! DAVIS: She sure is. I'll get your particulars. .. (She goes L.) JENKINS: Boy.:\1E!'-<: Me. HEDY: Thirty-nine.) BUD: I win the pool. (He turns. if you will just come in here wi th me. we'll .) BRATT: Gentlemen. twenty-two. Gentlemen .) BRATT: Miss La Rue.. etc.. sorry... Mr. through personnel door. I need a new secretary.. . (MEN cross L. Bratt . too.) Oh. dear. lVIAN: So do 1. Bratt! BRATT: Yes. if you'll step into my office..) JENKINS: (Crosses L. (She exits U. bumps into SMITTY. . dear? SMITTY: Fine.. Bratt. thirty-eight. BRATT: Gentlemen .L. SlI. BRATTfollowing her. JENKINS: I'd sure like to determine them . you do that. etc. (OTHER OFFICE PERSONNELenter. my secretary. Smitty? . BRATT: Gentlemen. to Bratt) Say. Mr. BRATT escorts HEDY toward his office. one moment please.36 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT I BRATT: I understand. Smitty.HTTY:I have to get some new tax withholding blanks. This is Miss Smith. Uh..
Mr. Remember. A secretary is not.) A secretary is not a toy. Bratt. ( BRATT goes int 0 his o!fice U . to R. ALL: Be good to the girl you employ. A secretary is not a toy. FIVE Boys: Boy. (Exits R. GIRL crosses L. Two Boys: A secretary is not. Bratt.-Stops) We wouldn't have it any other way. a secretary is not Definitely not. JENKINS: (Crosses R. No. BUD: (Crosses R. ALL wate h him exit.b ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 37 No. (Vamp-Typewriter sequence. Mr. Mr. not a toy To fondle and dandle And playfully handle In search of some puerile joy.L.) THREE Boys: (c. my boy.-StOps) You're absolutely right. Bratt. a toy. not a toy.) A secretary is not to be Used for play therapy. ONE Boy: So do not go jumping for joy.-stops) It's a company rule. my boy. ALL exit but THREE Boys.) . A secretary is not Two Boys and FOUR GIRLS: A toy. no matter what Neurotic trouble you've got. Boy. No.) JENKINS: (Crosses R. FOUR GIRLS: (Crossing L.
C. No! ALL: (Entering (Crossing D.) FIVE l\1EN SINGERS: (L. A fine and sensitive mechanism To serve the office community. A secretary is not a pet. They fired him like a shot The day the fellow forgot A secretary is not a toy. And when you put her to use. THREE GIRLS: in door) A secretary is not a thing Wound by key. . (Dance. and L. Observe. ... MISS KRUMHOLTZ and Two Boys: It happened to Charlie McCoy.A.) The secretary y'got Is definitely not from L.) . Schwarz! (Exits u. when you put her to use.) (Crossing R.. Boy. and R. pulled by string. DANCERS: ACT I With a mother at home she supports. If that's what you plan to enjoy.R. Nor an erector set. BUD: (R. to L. crosses D. Her pad is to wri te in And not spend the night in .) DANCERS: with Two Boys) A secretary is not a toy (Exit R.C. .O. BUD: And you'll find nothing like her At F.) MISS KRUMHOLTZ: (Enters R.38 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS She's a highly specialized key component Of operational unity . in personnel door) That you don't find the name "Lionel" on her caboose.
my boy. (:\LL jade.. pushes Down button -door opens) So I said.) SECONDGIRL: So I said.. " (They go into elevator stage L. A secretary is not A Tinker Toy! ACT I Scene 7 THE ELEVATOR LANDING.) MAN: (Enters R. GIRL: (Enters L. '.) (Two MEN enter from L... PEOI~LE " are leaving jor the day.. A bank oj three elevators. .) THIRD GIRL: So I said.) SECO~D 2VIAN:So he said I'll be head of sales in a year with a raise and . "Just keep your hands where they belong . up.T. WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 39 Employed to do a gavotte -Or you know what. (T hey go into elevator stage L. ...) (Two GIRLS enter from L.. '.) (Two GIRLS enter from R. two oj which are practical. "Just keep your hands where they belong ..) Before you jump for joy Remember this.AC.. " (They go into elevator stage L. with ANOTHER MAN) So he said I'm next in line for promotion. with girl [riend. I . "Just keep your hands where they belong . " (They go into elevator stage L.. (They go into elevator stage L.) .
) (MISS KRUMHOLTZand GIRL enter from L. BIGGLEY: Oh. Well.. (TACKABERRYenters R. the chairman of the board.) .) TACKABERRY:Say. Mr. what the hell. Biggley. Womper.. I get a kick out of thinking of their faces when they get that fat check from Old Least-Likely. MISS JONES: Very well.To-Succeed. MISS JONES: And you asked me to remind you about your college alumni association. stopping her... That's' all. yes. (They go into elevator stage L. I'm having dinner with him . Miss Jones. crosses to R.B. FINCH crosses D. MISS JONES starts of} R.) BIGGLEY: (Crossing to L. B. Your wife. oj c. there's a phone call. BIGGLEY enters R.) Did you call my wife and say I won't be home for dinner? MISS JONES: (Following him) Yes. FINCH will stand on the other side oj the stage. . J.40 HOW· TO' SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT-I (Two MEN enter from L.. Well.) . Mr. crosses to elevator as doors close in his face.. elevator and pushes Down button. TACKABERRY follows him. you left your golf clubs in the office. BIGGLEY: Oh. carefully listening with every ear on his head. I'll be staying in town tonight so I'll come in and pick the clubs up in the morning. yeah.) (FINCH enters L. Tomorrow is Saturday and you're playing with Mr.. with MISS JONES and crosses to jront of elevator L. He crosses to stage R. I'll take it in your office. ( He exits R. By the way. (They go into elevator stage L. BIGGLEY: (To Tackaberry) My wife? Dammit.) MISS KRUMHOLTZ: So. send them the same check. oj c. THIRD MAN: I'm dying to see that new production chart.
Miss JONES: (Stops) Good luck? FINCH: Yes. (She crosses R. FINCH: But where did he go to college? MISS JONES: Old Ivy. hear you say that.---------------~~----- ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 41 . Biggley is very proud of his old school. He's so capable and thoughtful. ?\lISS JONES: (Stops) Don't work too hard. good luck tonight. I hear that you're the best bowler on the ladies' team.. below Finch. again. Miss jones . FINCH: They sure have. MISS JONES: (Crosses L. crosses L.) Ponty. FINCH: (N ose-to-nose) I'm fascinated by the hobbies of people I like.. FINCH: Oh.~ . isn't it? MISS JONES: Harvard? Don't ever let J.B. Miss Jones . I'm glad our little talks have proven valuable. How's the young junior executive? FINCH: just fine. FINCH: Good night.. In the bowling tournament. Miss Jones. Mr. (Crossess. Miss JONES: Hello.) FINCH: Old Ivy? MISS JONES: (Stops) Of course. Biggley's secretary and he's the man I most want to emulate. I heard him remembering to send a check to his old school. :MISSJONES: Say! Would you like to come watch us bowl tonight? FINCH: (Reacts. Ponty. Miss Jones. two steps) I'd love to. you're a very unusual boy. thanks to the helpful advice I've been getting from you. (Starts off R. to Finch) How sweet of you to be interested in a thing like that. You'll go far.) Oh. MISS JONES: On Saturday? No one around here works on Saturday. Ponty. He's a Groundhog. FINCH: Miss Jones. :MISS JONES: (Crosses R. They're the Groundhogs. that means a lot-your saying that -because you're Mr. Well . (Starts off R..." but I should go to bed early.) Well. Harvard.. by the way.) Good night.. to him. .. I'm working tomorrow.
) Hello.M. Rosemary.2 HOW ·TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT I FINCH: Don't worry. The finish of a long day's work And there they are. SMITTY: On what? ROSEMARY: On where I'm having dinner.S. I won't. Rosemary. (Looks at Finch. .). . FINCH looks away. both of them. FINCH looks at her. here it is five P. SMITTY: (One step R. L. below Smitty) That depends.) Hi. Smitty. Now she's thinking: ROSEMARY: (Turns front) I wonder if we take the same bus . FINCH: Oh. . hasn't it? FINCH: Sure has. where are you having dinner tonight? ROSEMARY: (Crosses L. I've been working pretty hard.) BEEN A LONG DAY SMITTY: Well. But I can hear those two little minds ticking away.) SMITTY: Huh? Oh. Hi. K ot very much to say . ROSE:MARY looks away. . She looks away. ROSEMARY looks at Finch. . stranger. R. ·oj c. (Presses Down elevator button stage R. SMITTY: (Sudden thought) Say. (BOTH GIRLS turn u. Ponty. . ROSEMARY: (Crosses below Smitty to Finch. ROSEMARY:I haven't seen you since you got your new job. (ROSEMARYlooks at Finch. ROSEMARY:Been a long day. . FINCH: Oh. (MISS JONES exits R. ROSEMARY and SMITTY enter They stop when they see FINCH. The secretary and the clerk .) Been a long day.. hi.------------------------------------------- 4.) K ot very well acquainted.
. . SMITTY: And he's thinking: . SMITTY: Now. crosses R. .) L. . uh . And he says: FINCH: Err . (Crosses Well. to Smitty.) Well. she's thinking: ROSEMARY: For dinner we could meet. Been a longDay. SMITTY: Now. SMITTY: ROSEMARY: (Turns front) And he's thinking: FINCH: But what of my career? SMITTY: Then she says: (ROSEMARY yawns. it's been a long. Been a long. she's thinking: He really is a dear. Been a long.ACT I SMITTY: WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 43 And he's thinking: FINCH: SMITTY: There could be quite a thing between us Now. ALL: to Smitty. she's thinking: ROSEMARY: I wish that he were more of a flirt. SMITTY: And he's thinking: FINCH: I guess a little flirting won't hurt. . it's been a long day.
to S.. SMITTY: Then. Been a longDay.FINCH: It's fate! SMITTY: . it's been a long day. Been a long. it's been a long. Three fifty-eight. Now. "Service for two. she says: ROSEMARY: Achoo! SMITTY: And he says: FINCH: Gesundhei t ! IN BUSINESS ACT I (Crosses R.-----~~------------ 44 HOW TO SUCCEED FINCH: We both have got to eat. It's a dollar ninety veg-table plate. To make a bargain. make a date." ROSEMARY:Wonderful! .) (Crosses L.mitty. to Smitty. Been a long..) ROSEMARY: Thank you. she's thinking: ROSEMARY: What female kind of trap could I spring? SMITTY: And he's thinking: . SMITTY: (Unfolds newspaper) Hey! There's a Yummy Friday Special at Stouffer's. FINCH: Well. And on the bottom of the ad Not bad . ALL: Well.
it's been a long day. Well. it's been a long. Been a long day. been a long. muttering to himself. pushes Down elevator button.) ROSEMARY: Suppose I take his arm . above Finch.. really. BIGGLEY: Blithering. BIGGLEY stops him. been a long. (ROSEMARY and FI~CH enter elevator L. BIGGLEY re-enters R. CHORUS sings. SMITTY: And he's thinking: FINCH: Well. SMlTTY enters elevator R. she says: ROSEMARY:Hungry? SMITTY: And he says: (Pause. After song. grabs him by the tie..) He crosses L.ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 45 FINCH: I might as well forget the whole thing. carrying empty mail sack. SMITTY: Now. what's the harm? SMITTY: Then. (Elevator doors open.. it's been a long. (Crosses R.) to Finch. blathering. been a long. been a long. Elevator doors close.) CHORUS: Well.. she's thinking: (Crosses R. (BUD enters L.) . ) FINCH: Yeah! ROSEMARY:Yeah! SMITTY: Yeah! ALL: Well. Been a long day.
• " . Miss La Rue? HEDY: It's a big. BIGGLEY: (Turns to Bud) I told you never to call me tha t around here. ! (Sees Bud. BUD: Why not? Other people are being promoted. (BUD overhears this. elevator. BIGGLEY: Now. (Crosses to R. (BUD goes slowly R.. "'.. BIGGLEY: Ssssshhh . BIGGLEY: Well. there you . Mr. don't talk that way around here. . Miss La Rue. these things take time. I promIse YOll .i Yes.' '.. fat nothing. to H edy) How do you like your new job. Angel. composes herself.) BIGGLEY: (Carefully businesslike) Oh. and BIGGLEYswitches back to his pleading tone. j. I . Miss La Rue. in a large operation like World Wide Wickets there are many multiple facets which are very important in the scheme of things. and BIGGLEYsuddenly switches to a loud businesslike tone. .46 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT I BIGGLEY: Dammit.. Biggley.. you've been complaining to your mother again. BUD: I'm sorry. . . then exits R. I.. (PERSON exits L. BIGGLEY: Good. looking back at Biggley and H edy. haven't you got something to do? BUD: I was just going to get my hat and go home. HEDY: I thought you were going to help me be a big business woman like Helena Rubinstein or Betty Crocker.) Good evening.) HEDY: Oh.B. So what happens? I'm stuck in the goddarn stenographic pool with no one to fish me the hell out..) Hedy. . BUD: Uncle Jasper. .) BIGGLEY: Sweetheart. I told your Aunt Gertrude that (HEDY enters R.. You have to learn . . to L.) BIGGLEY: (Pulling himself together and crossing ·R.•.. She wants you promoted. (SO:\lEONE crosses R.:~.. good evening..
BIGGLEY'S voice goes up again. (BUD crosses to elevator L. I got tipped._-_---_--~--_--------~--~-_--_- __ --_----~~----~---------------_-_---------_---~-_-- . BIGGLEY: But. BIGGLEY: But the surroundings. making advances. At least at the Copa. (SOMEONE crosses L. Well. I guess so. BIGGLEY: (Crosses R. BIOGLEY'Svoice goes up again.. angel . BUD: (Putting on his gloves and taking a look at Hedy) Very attractive girl. Look.----~----------------------. Miss. (BUD enters R. He straightens his tie. I'll meet you at your place in ten minutes and we can talk it over.) . to her) You mean someone has been bothering you? Who? Just let me know who. I was just. uh. ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 47 HEDY: I give up a wonderful job. Impatiently he crosses L. She seems to be rather a shy person.. Head cigarette girl at the Copa. (BIGGLEYstarts R. in a large operation like World Wide Facets. there are many multiple wickets which . BIGGLEY:Why don't you walk down? BUD: It's thirty floors! BIGGLEY: (Turning his head away from Bud and speaking under his breath) Why don't you jump? . BUD: Yes. yes. BIGGLEY:Huh? Oh. BIGGLEY looks at Bud and then at his own attire. . trying to make her feel at home. n . You said you hated all those men staring at you. to Bud. Miss. when I got pinched. HEDY: It's no different around here in big business. Who pinched you? HEDY: I don't care about that.B. with his hat and ·coat on. . to R.) Yes.. you what. BIGGLEY: Sweetheart. (Crosses R. continues primping. I meant every word. realizes they are dressed identically. you go ahead. . pushes Down button.iend down to pick up a pencil with confidence. Tell. Miss La Rue. brushes off his coat.) Yes. there are many multiple facets which . you did not keep your part of my bargain. dressed exactly like Biggley.) Why don't you go home? BUD: I'm waiting for the elevator. . ...) Around here a girl can't ~'. J. in a large operation like World Wide Wickets. Hsnv: (Turns slowly to him) No..
BUD and BIGGLEY crosses L.48 HOW ·TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT 1. crosses back-to Bud. . it's been a long. (HEDY close. Been a long. Been a long. I tell her everything that happens all day at the office.) Now he's thinking: BIGGLEY: The kid could really put me through hell ! BUD: And she's thinking: HEDY: The kid could even name the hotel. it's been a long.) Well.) She loves dinner with me. BUD: And he says: BIGCLEY: It's a holdup! (Elevator BUD: R. Okay. Doors BUD: Well.) And she says: HEDY: Down? BIGGLEY: Wait a minute! (Crosses ALL: R.) go into elevator R. I'm meeting Mother jor dinner. doors open. Been a long. (BIGGLEY stops dead. below Bud to Hedy. BUD: Now he's thinking: BIGGLEY: I wonder if he'd dare BUD: And she's thinking: HEDY: There's blackmail in the air. Been a long day. (Crosses R. Been a long. you're promoted. below Biggley to c.
SECOND SCRUBWOMAN: (L. BUD backs into eleva- (Doors close. The whole office has a jresh. not on Sat'dy morning. are just finishing up. clean look. Puts paper bag back in case. Puts attache case on floor. Tosses adding machine cover u. FINCH enters jrom U.L. FIRST SCRUBWOMAN: Nah.. crosses D. that's it. Saturday morning. oj C.·. Puts papers jrom case on first desk and on floor around desk. Closes case] puts it under second desk.s.R. Jackie. Takes ashtray and bag oj cigarette butts out oj case and fills ashtray. below desks. FIRST SCRUBWOMAN: (Looking around) Okay. Ajter a glance to make sure no one is around. all spic as a span. Two SCRUBWOMEN with mops.) ACT I Scene 8 THE OUTER OFFICE. Desks are clean. desk. let's do the big shot's now. Come Oil. puts on.) L. Ajter a moment. . typewriters are covered. . I bet now some slob'll come in and dirty it all up. They are smoking cigarettes.'0 ACT I WITHOUT (Elevator tor.) Yep. quickly he: Drops topcoat on third desk. REALLY TRYING 49 Been a long day. Takes jour paper coffee cups out oj case and puts 'them on his desk. (T hey go into executive suite U . Ha! doors open. etc.
head on desk as though sound asleep. I'm sorry. Finch. FINCH: I imagine one has to do that sort of thing once in a while. BIGGLEY: Now don't push yourself too hard. (Sits. BIGGLEY: Well. BIGGLEY: (Starts off) I'll just get my clubs. stops dead. crosses L. you know. I had a few things to catch up on. Removes jacket. FINCH: Thank you. FINCH rises and begins humming melody of OLD IVY.. (Starts up steps to executive suite. and heads for executive suite.Collapses in chair of first desk. you know. as though waking up 1rom a nap) Oh. Have you been working all night? FINCH: (Crosses up to his desk) Well . I have to playa round today with old Wally Womper.. walks over to FINCH and taps him on shoulder.. F-I-N-C-H. . sir. puts it on chair of second desk. I just dropped in to pick up my golf clubs.) BIGGLEY: Oh. your name slips my mind. FINCH: Finch. sir. I've beard some good things about you from. Finch. sir. you make me feel a bit guilty. my scouts. Loosens tie. don't worry about me. ub. BIGGLEY stops dead as he . rumples hair .50 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT I Unrolls adding machine tape and winds it around lamp letting it hang down on the floor. it's great to see a man in there carrying the ball. sir? BIGGLEY: Good God. He sees FINCH. BIGGLEY: By George . There are limits. man. is it morning already. He's chairman of the board. yes. FINCH: (Rises. BIGGLEYenters from R. He is dressed for golf. looks at watch. You know. FINCH: (Bravely) Oh..) BIGGLEY: Good morning.. I shouldn't be here much longer .
I'm sorry.. BIGGLEY crosses D. Stand firm and strong. watching him. BIGGLEY: Oh.) What's that you're humming? FINCH: (Stops humming) Huh? Oh. He's the dirtiest player we've got. sir. sir. I was. BIGGLEY: That's right. boy! Come out with it.) . We're playing the Chipmunks. BIGGLEY: You were humming the Old Ivy fight song. I -didn't realize I was humming. even though we're not there in person. BIGGLEY: Did you go there? Were you a Groundhog? FINCH: (Hesitantly) Well. FINCH: Oh. I should have known you were Old Ivy. not a bit. . What year? (FINCH crosses D. we'll be rooting for 'em.. FINCH: (Does his smile. sir. makes football pass motion.: Oh. FINCH: Well. with Charnowsky in there the team's morale should pick up. (Sits. (FINCH stands to the L. I'm sorry I have to miss it. when did you graduate? FINCH. then speaks) I guess it was unconscious on my part. are you? FINCH: No.) FINCH: GR-R-R-R-R-ROUNDHOG! OLD IVY BIGGLEY: (Marches down and then uP) Stand Old Ivy. You're not ashamed of Old Ivy. either. I can't get up there. thinking about the big game today. to c. lost in thought. sir .) Finch. I know a lot of guys have an inferiority complex because they didn't go to Yale or Princeton. (Rises.ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 51 hears what Finch is singing. Right? BIGGLEY: Right.) BIGGLEY: Say it. I hope those damned Chipmunks don't give us' too much trouble.) BIGGLEY: That's the Groundhog spirit. . Charnowsky's knee is much better. Crosses back to Finch. sir. I think we'll take them. GRR-R-R-ROUNDHOG! (They shake hands.
oh. . the Chipmunk. The Chipmunk! (BOTH cross R. drops to his knees. (Starts off chanting. Don't forget. They call us Grr-roundho. Chipmunk Off the field. so.) Grrr-roundhog Stand Grrr-roundhog Old Ivy. Grand Old Ivy. Grr-roundhog! Grr-roundStand Old Ivy hog! And never yield.) (Rises. muddy deep. Rrr-rip. God bless you . BOTH: (CrossesR. rip.L ~7 HO\V TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS Grand Old Ivy. into executive suite.) And you're down there at the bottom of the heap.) Grand Old Ivy. FINCH: (R. . off . Down in the cruddy. rip. BIGGLEY: FINCH: Grr-roundhog Grrr-roundhog (BOTH cross L. . rip.g 1· . very deep.) FINCH: When you fan on the ball. boy. very. sir. of BiggZey) I enjoyed that. . (On his knees) BIGGLEY: crosses to Biggley. why they call us.. Hear the cheering throng.S. I'll go get those clubs. rip Stand firm and strong. (Crosses U. Rrrrip ' Rip! Rip the Chipmunk Off the ·field. Chipmunk Rrr-rip! Rip! Rip the Off the field.) Rip. Hear the cheering throng. FINCH goes . (FIl\:CH BIGGLEY ACT I and FINCH: Stand Old Ivy And never yield. Well. of Biggley. : Rrr-rip ' Rip! Rip the And never yield. Hear the cheering throng. BIGGLEY: So did I. boy.R. That's. Down at the bottom of the heap. Where the mud is.
but how do you like this? (Indicates sweater he's wearing.. looks around to make sure they are alone. _ a birdcage cover. They lead empty lives.. . You know her. I'll be damned. Miss Jones.) What's that you're doing? FINCH: (Eyes closed) Twenty-six. twenty-nine. FINCH: "Think.. sir. Finch-yes. Been doing it for years. (Puts the clubs down against desk. Tell me.. Nobody knows but my secretary. It's good for my nerves. Mr. (Sits in chair ojfirst desk. BIGGLEY: Think. FINCH: (Crosses R.) BIGGLEY: Birdcage cover." sir. reaches into his attache case. Confidentially to Finch. below Finch. if I'm ever for- .s.ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 53 back to his desk.) FINCH: Oh. twenty-eight. See? Popcorn stitch. that's beautiful) sir.) . I've met her. BIGGLEY: I like the way you thinch.) BIGGLEY: Yep. and begins to knit.) I knit. stops and looks at the knitting with fascination. But I've always found that knitting helps me think more clearly. tosses the ball of wool u. I feel kind of sorry for men who don't knit. pulls out a fairly large hunk of knitting. BIGGLEY: Well. I just wanted to finish this row. hands it to BIGGLEY. crosses L. Biggley.. twenty-seven. to Finch. Fink. (Rises.BIGGLEY sits) You know. FINCH: (Carefully) Yes. I thought I'd make a . I guess this looks silly.. Mr.. (He holds up knitting on various positions. BIGGLEY: I made the covers for those golf dubs. Biggley. Finch.. FINCH: (Takes out club.) FINCH: Really! (Rises. I'm sorry. too. BIGGLEY: (Suddenly pointing to knitting) What's this going to be? FINCH: Oh. Crosses L. sits on the desk.) Well. what are you heading for around here? What's your ambition in this outfit? Bright fellow like you must have it all planned out.) . I never made one of those . (Puts knitting on desk. BIGGLEYre-enters R.
HOW TO SUCCEED
tunate enough to reach a position where I have a choice, I'd like to be where they do something real ... (Crosses back.) ... something a man can get his teeth into ... solid . . . down-to-earth . . . the advertising department . BIGGLEY: (Rises, crosses D.S. FINCH crosses down with him) Advertising: Son, I wouldn't want that for an old schoolmate of mine. It's too tough ... too insecure. vVhy', this place has had fifteen new advertising managers in the. past year alone. The poor devils disappear at the rate of about one a month. FINCH: Why is that? BIGGLEY:I fire them. FINCH: But if you got a man with ideas, he could swing it. BIGGLEY: (Contemptuously) Ideas! That's what I look for. I keep hiring men who are supposed to have brilliant ideas and not one of them will ever do what I tell him. No, son, you stick to what you're doing. You'll do all right there. Damned good department. By the way, where are you? FINCH: Plans and Systems. Mr. Gatch's department. BIGGLEY: Good man, Gatch. Knows what he's doing. You stay with him. And I'll keep my eye on you, too. (FINCH crosses u. to desk, gets golj clubs. BIGGLEYcrosses R. FINCH crosses D.L. oj Biggley ; hands him the golf clubs.) FINCH: Here you are, sir. Have a wonderful day. I've got to get this done before midnight. (Starts for desk.) BIGGLEY: Midnight: (FINCH stops.) That's the Groundhog spirit. (Two SCRUBWOMEN enter from executive tening at top oj riser.) FINCH: Groundhog! BIGGLEY: Groundhog! suite, stand lis-
BOTH: Stand Old Ivy, Stand firm and strong. Rip! Rip! Rip! the Chipmunk Off the field! (T hey go R. SCRUBWOMEN come down stairs, survey mess.) FIRST SCRUBWOMAN: eautiful! B SECONDSCRUBWOMAN: What was that? FIRST SCRUBWOMAN: college .song. A SECONDSCRUBWOMAN: What college? FIRST SCRUBWOMAN:(Picking up knitting 1'd say Vassar. ACT I Scene 9 FINCH'S FIRST OFFICE. A small desk with two chairs is set in front oj an air vent stage R. In the black, we hear BIGGLEY'SVOICE. BIGGLEY'SVOICE: Hello, Bratt? This is J.B. Say, what are we running around here, a sweatshop? We're working that boy too hard. Who? Finch! F-I-N-C-H .... The poor devil worked here all weekend. I ought to know. I was there with him, working side by side. The lad needs help. Well, first of all, I want him to have an office of his own ... deserves the best you have available oh, nothing fancy-don't want him getting ideas. (When the LIGHTS come up, FINCH is walking around dusting and straightening things. ROSEMARY enters from R.) the
HOW TO SUCCEED
ROSEMARY:Hello, Ponty. FINCH: Rosemary, come on in. How do you like it? (Crosses R. above desk.) ROSEMARY: (Looks around, crosses ·L. below desk) Your first office. It's beautiful. (Sits.) FINCH: It's not bad, considering. I did want my name on the door, but I decided not to ask because there's no door. ROSEMARY:It's beautiful. I can only stay a minute. I just wanted to tell you that I had a good time the other night. FINCH: (Sits) Me, too. I enjoyed the conversation. It was very . . . Well, I guess I talked all the time. ROSEMARY:I liked it. But· just one thing, Ponty . (Rises, crosses D.) ... about what happened later . I mean, when we said good night. (FINCH rises, crosses D.R. oj desk.) It was our first date and I don't want you to get a wrong impression of me, but ... well, I guess it's natural for a fellow to try to get a little fresh with a girl and make a pass at her, but you didn't do anything! F~NCH: I had to get up early. (HEDY enters R. ROSEMARYlooks R. past Finch. FINCH, realizing someone has entered, turns R. and is shocked at the sight oj Hedy La Rue.) Sir? ... Miss? . HEDY: I'm Miss La Rue, honey. FINCH: What can I do for you, Miss La Rue? HEDY: A secretary was ordered to be assigned to you. I'm your assignation. ROSEMARY: (Confidentially to Finch) You didn't tell me you were getting a secretary. FINCH: (Crosses L. to Rosemary) I just found out myself. ROSEMARY:Well, happy dictation, Ponty. (She goes R. below H edy.) HEDY: 'Bye. (ROSEMARY exits. FINCH straightens his jacket, bows, realizes that's the wrong thing to do, lowers his voice.) FINCH: Now ... now won't you sit down, Miss La Rue? (Crosses R. above desk.)
Legs, revealing a great deal oj same.)
you. (She crosses
sits, crosses her
FII\:CH: (Ajter staring at her jor a moment) Now, Miss La Rue ... HEDY: Oh, just call me Hedy. FINCH: Well, I think that perhaps in a .business relationship . . . HEDY: You're cute. FINCH: Excuse me a moment. (He picks up his book, D.R. BOOK \'OICE: Choosing a secretary can be fraught with peril. Take a good look at the young lady who has been assigned to you. (BOOK VOICE stops. FINCH looks at
walks to corner oj his office
you feel things are too good to be true, be very careful, It may be that one of the big men in the company is' Interested-In-H er-Career, There is a simple test for this. Check on her secretarial skill. The smaller her abilities, the bigger her Protector. (FINCH closes ..book, goes to
who is fixing her stocking. FINCH begins to read again. BOOK VOICE resumes.) If she is so attractive that
Miss La Rue, let's try some dictation. Take a
(Flips open steno pad) Shoot! (Crosses L. oj Hedy, speaks
is to lVlr. Gatch ....
This Gatch ... our ... dis-
cussion of ... HEDY: Wait a minute! catch a train?
You trying to
What are you taking this
Longhand. It's safer. I make up for it when I
Oh, you type fast? HEDY: Like a jackrabbit. Twelve words a minute. FINCH: (Sits) Uh ... by the way, Miss La Rue .. Hedy ... ' what was your last position?
c. Mr. FINCH: Yes. (She starts off L. (She stops.) Mr. He's my boss. Biggley . Door to the office is u.58 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT I HEDY: He got me interested in wickets.. please. MISS KRUMHOLTZ: (Hangs uP) I'll get her. Mr. Gatch.) front... here Ilam..) Please take this in to Mr. Gatch's office. But then Mr. I'm going to like this jazz. Make sure you give it to Mr. so I matriculated myself into business school. GATCH: (Puzzled) Have her come in. One moment.) HEDY: Go ahead. Charlie. (She goes c.) BEDY: (GATCH jumps to his jeet) Mr.. well. FINCH: Uh huh. to desk. aren't you? (Looks at book. HEDY: (Rises) Mr. MISS KRUMHOLTZpicks up phone.) . (She exits L.) . poses in doorway. MISS KRUMHOLTZ: (R.. LIGHT up on GATCH seated at his desk.) Hedy . personally. turns ACT I Scene 10 PLANSAND SYSTEMSOFFICE. let that letter wait for a moment.. of Gatch) Hello. (Reacts. FINCH: (Closes book) Hedy . behind which MISS KRUMHOLTZ is standing. There is another chair at the R. you are. (Turns to Gatch.. dictate some more.) HEDY: (After a beat) I was in the tobacco business. (Hands her a folder. FINCH: (Slams desk) Mr. HEDY enters.. Gatch. Finch's secretary is outside and she'd like to see you personally. and.. Gatch. Gatch? (Crosses L. HEDY: Okay. Gatch himself. Phone rings. Biggley .
There arc two foliage units D.) . Production. There is a smug look on his face. Miss KRUMHOLTZ: (Picking ACT I Scene 11 TRAVELLER. Mr. FINCH is seated at Gatch's desk. BRATT: (Stopping Jenkins L. (ll ands him phone.. Jenkins. of c.. (Rises. (She goes u. I was just going to call you.ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 59 GATCH: (Startled) Yes? HEDY: I'm Mr. Don't fool around with small fry. it corridor somewhere in the IVorld IVide 1V ickct Building. . (BLACKOUT. Her whole manner is very seductive. Phone RINGS in the dark. come on. DIM UP immediately. starts off. . MISS KRUMHOLTZis on stage.) up phone) Hello. Venezuela.. Finch's office..) Say. he's been transferred to one of our out of town offices . yes. We're getting a new vice president in charge of advertising. and a slight smile.) It's fnr. Finch's secretary. You're in the big time now. L. GATCH follows. One moment. BRATTand TAC~AI3ERRY enter R. .S. He asked me to give you this. FIN<. (She drops folder on the desk. GATCH: (Grabs HEDY) Oh.H: (Into phone) Hello. He's sitting back in the chair as though he has had this job [orcucr. JENKINS: Another one? Who is it this time? . Finch speaking. Oh.c. JENKINS enters L. you. stops her.) GATCH: Say. what are you doing tonight? HEDY: I've got a date with my gentleman friend. Gatch? Oh. Huh? Mr. and R.) I'm running Plans and Systems now.
SMITTY: I hope it works.O. We're inviting some of the executive secretaries to act as hostesses. GIRL exits R. oj C. JENKINS: (Thinki11g) B.) ROSEMARY:Thanks. JENKINS: Okay. . You can ask your secretary to come. . i SMITTY: (Stopping Rosemary L. .. (JENKINS goes R.D. Benjamin Burton Daniel Ovington.. Good luck. good. It's just beautiful.D. I've been made secretary to the new advertising manager.) Rosemary. but this means that I'm invited to the reception this evening. She starts R.60 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT I BRATT: A fellow by the name of Ovington. A new dress.B. BRATT and TACKABERRY L. I had lunch without you. Smitty.) go BRATT: B. (They embrace. BRATT: I'll bet that's why Biggley hired him. this is the answer to howto succeed with Finch. What's he like? ROSEMARY:Oh.O. SMITTY and GIRL come .) R.) Do you know what this is? SMITTY: Your lunch? ROSEMARY: Smitty. too..B. glamorous . SMITTY: Oh. Ponty has never seen me all dressed up you know. Rosemary. oj Bratt) In the Executive Club on the roof. I don't care about him. and Ponty will be there. ROSEMARYenters on from L. (Thcy exit L. we're giving him a reception tonight. Bratt. JENKINS: I wonder how long this guy'lllast? BRATT: I don't know. (Holds up box. TACKAllERRY: (R. Where have you been? ROSEMARY: Smitty. Anyway.. Smitty. but we're giving him the full treatment. I've been dreaming of a chance like this.
-\RIS ORIGINAL (Hugs dress box. at that.It's me! It's absolutely me! And why? One guy! (Holds dress box out.) L. (Kisses the box. I L. I must look divine 'Special1y for him.) ROSEMARY: (H olds up dress box) I slipped out this afternoon And bought some love insurance. I'm wearing tonight . P. ROSEMARY looks ajter her then looks at the box. I think maybe I'll get a new dress for tonight. ROSEMARY: Good idea. I hope you're very popular at the party.ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 61 SMITTY: (R. hugs it and sings.: ·1 .) This irresistible Paris original's All paid for and mine. And suddenly he'll go dreamy And blame it all On his own masculine whim . I'm wearing tonight.) You know. With sex beyond endurance. Smitty. (She exits R. (Crosses R. Crosses back to c. It's sleek and chic and magnifique. oj C. strumming dress l Suddenly he will see me. Crosses box like guitar. It's me! .) ! i This irresistible Paris original. SMITTY: Maybe I will be. I'm thinking of starting a secret rumor that I'm a nymphomaniac.'Specially for him. too. \ j .) A most exclusive dress from gay Paree.
I'm wearing tonight 'Specially for him .) Just didn't play fair.62 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS . (FIRST GIRL enters R.) Some irresponsible dress manufacturer (GIRL crosses L.. She has changed into her new dress. She is now wearing her Paris original.) I'm one of a pair .C.. t• THE ROOF. (Looks at girl.L. The MUSIC continues as we open on a pretty terrace at cocktail time..om stair unit. ROSEMARY: For hirnFor himThis irresistible Paris original I'm wearing tonight . j. There are tables with big umbrellas and assorted terrace jurniture. For him. So temptingly tight. (Starts off L. wearing same dress. (She exits L.) She's wearing tonight And I could spi t! (BOTH look at each other.Never knowing that This irresistible Paris original. oj Rosemary. She crosses D.) ACT I Scene 12 ACT I j. The party hasn't started yet.. and continues singing.) For him . ROSEMARY enters immediately U.
f' " I' . crosses u. .. sees THREE GIRLS. (MISS KRU?\lHOLTZ enters L.) Goddammit-s-voila ! .. wearing same dress. .c. sees ROSE~IARYand FIRST GIRL. All slinky with sin .) ROSE~lARYand GIRL: And I could kill her .. Tres sexy. . wearing same dress.) MISS JONES: Girls! ALL: Oh! Thirty-nine bucks I hand out For something to make me stand out.R.ACT I WITHOL'T REALLY TRYING 63 I ROSEl\lARY and GIRL: And I could .-\NOTHER GIRL enters R.-\LLTHREE: And I could(S~llTTY enters R.) Already slunk in (GIRL exits .' i ALL FOUR: And I could spit! (M ore GIRLS enter from all sides dressed alike.) Sl\lITTY: This irresistible Paris original.-. look R. to front oj stage. wearing same dress. uiearmg same dress. (. no! (Crosses R.) Oh. And suddenly I've gone Into nnrneograph.. leans against portal.) Miss KRUMHOLTZ: This irresistible Paris original. MISS JONES enters R. ALL GIRLS cover their eyes and cross D. .) And I could die! (MISS KRU~lHOLTZ turns. n 'es t-ce pas? (Looks u.c.
.. from stairway with OVINGTON.m. will you have a drink? HEDY: (Dignified) I never' touch anything before five p. HEDY enters D. stops by Hedy.L. GIRLS mill around stage R.) BIGGLEY: (On stair unit) Here he is. BRATT and TACKABERRY. etc.L. I'm wearing tonight . i I HEDY: Which way is the booze? BUD: Right over here. ROSEMARY starts off R. shake hands.) alcoholic BUD: Hedy. looking around confused as they see all the girls dressed alike. .For the very last time! (After number.L. BIGGLEY enters from U.s. (Two WAITERS push a rolling bar on L.R. BUD enters from L. boys and girls. to her and whistle. (MEN cross away. She is wearing the same dress.L. poses by portal. stopping her.) . crosses to Rosemary.) ALL: This irresistible Paris original. BUD: (Looking at his watch) It's ten after five. (Crosses D.) MEN: What a dress! GIRLS: (In disgust) Oh! (They drift u. . They surround Ovington. MEN cross L. FINCH enters from D.64 HOW TO SUCCEED MISS JONES: Some laugh! IN BUSINESS ACT I (ALL line up across stage... . MEN enter from U . below stair unit. This mass-produced crime.) HEDY: I'll have a double Martini.C.. (She and BUD go to bar U.
L.R. to Finch. to H edy.) ou know our advertising deY partment has been in trouble for a long time.) do BIGC. takes MISS JONES to his L.B. but I do know about advertising. OVINGTON: And I'd like to say . BUD follows) Benjamin . (lIe and ROSEMARY a few steps.. (BIGGLEY stops him. of Biggley. HEDY pulls free.) BRATT':Say.i '. HEDY: I'm feeling fine! BUD: You feel terrible. ]. of Biggley) Thanks. I don't know very much about wickets. BRATT crosses to his L. :i stops him.) BRATT: Bud. Bud . crosses R.. Mr..) HEDY: Hey... (ALL applaud.) OVINGTON: (-R. followed by TACKAI3ERRY... OVINGTON: I'd like to say .LEY:Everybody. She doesn't seem to be feeling well. OVINGTON:And I'd like to say that HEDY: (Crosses D from bar. I just want to say that I'm proud to be joining the World Wide Wicket family. says for you to take Miss La Rue home. (As he starts to take her off. H EDY ( To Bratt) You call this a double Martini? : There's only one olive in it. B urton Daniel Ovington.." BIGGLEY:Good sound thinking.) FINCH: (Grabbing Rosemary) I'm already dancing with Rosemary..ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 65 OVINGTONcrosses D. OVINGTON: But I'd like to say that .dance! (Turns. My theory of advertising can be summed up in one sentence: "Shove it down their throats with a soft sell.) . But I think we now have a fellow who is going to help put World Wide Wickets back on top. boys and girls.. Finchy.) . (BIGGLEY stops him again.. BRATT crosses L. begins to dance. What the hell kind of name is that? (BIGGLEY whispers something to Bratt. Benjamin Burton Daniel Ovington. (BIGGLEY . let's dance.
with him) No. BlJD and Door closes behind them. Hedy. (She exits L. (Starts dance step.) BUD: Okay.) BUD: Not as cute as Finch! (b e stands there iiztnking crossing L. She kicks him. HEDY Stage elevator door opens.) You know. SMITTY: Bud. you must have heard the rumor! (BUD sees he has the wrong girl. "' BUD: Come on.. to J. R. I'd like to . (GIRL grabs him and they start dancing. (He comes out of crowd. HI·:DV: Thanks.L. (Tries to take HEDV: her stage R. J . (Pinches his check. wants me to take you . with BUD following.) Come on.B. groans.) ACT I Scene 13 ELEVATOR LANDING. He has a private shower. come out. BUD: ]. B...'s office. Wow! That elevator made me dizzv.) HEDV: (Resisting. dragging SMITTY by the hand. Hedy. wants me to take you home. calling after II edy. Hedy. crossing D·.) HEDV: What I need is a shower. Bud. GROUP starts to dance. BUD tries to take II edy away again. No games. Not as cute 'as Finch. you're cute. I'm going . Hedy.) BUD: Ouch! (HEDY disappears into group dancing. have a nice shower.) Come on. dives back into dancing group. but you're cute..66 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS OVINGTON: ACT I Furthermore.B. I'll take a shower and then come back to the party. (They both start crossing L.
BUD: I guess he didn't want to say anything in front of Ovington. MAN enters from R. I only know I was told to tell you to go to his office.s.) Oh.ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 67 for a moment.) BUD: J . . He'll meet you there. pushes Up button.) And I've got a little something up my sleeve . (Kicks floor with heel. . Uncle Jasper . (Elevator door opens.) That's going to put little old Finchy right out on his . BUD: Will you tell Mr. taking a shower . left alone. FINCH: (Puzzled) But I just saw him. Ole! (Dances. .. (Dances.) Ole! . Now to get my uncle. Finch. ? BUD: I don't know anything. I've never seen . .) Tell him it's important. . . Pete? MAN: Yeah .Old sexy Hedy is in there. Bud? (Crosses L. (Elevator door closes. Finchy-Hello. . FINCH: (Crosses L.) Going up to the party.. Bud. now starts a dance. MAN: Okay.) BUD: You're welcome.. FINCH: What's this all about. anyway. hello. crosses to stage R. BUD crosses R. . FINCH: Well.) Good-bye.B. to man. . . FINCH comes out. BUD. Thanks. below Bud) Do you think your uncle is considering . He didn't say anything.. to BUD. Finch I want to see him down here. You know how it goes around here with advertising managers. wants you to go to his office.) BUD: (Humming) De da da dum.R. . Dance is interrupted by elevator stage R. . door opening. (BUD goes into routine consisting of the following: As he crosses. elevator door.his office. . (11e breaks into a wild samba and leaps O. . la da de de .. (He goes L. he sings.
Well.L.) HEDY: FINCH: HEDY: FINCH: Guess who? I was supposed to meet Mr. Biggley here. FINCH doesn't see her. Crosses above desk R. He looks around in admiration and awe. There is also a small anteroom D..R. turns. B. He sits 'In chair. On rise no one is on stage. HEDY sneaks above desk to L. FINCH enters D. slides his hand over the top of the chair.L. puts her hands over his eyes. Desk and big high-backed chair c. In the main office there is a door U.. lush office. side of the chair. Biggley? He's not coming. He has never been in here before and his attitude shows it. . leading to the private bath and shower. Ii very beautiful. FINCH: (Addressing someday . He is sitting in the chair and lost in his dreams. This is what he would like to have himself someday. Two sofas on either side of the large center window.R. hi. walks into Biggley's office. FINCH: I should have known it was a rib. Somebody gave you a bum steer. enters through anteroom door. Hedy. above secretary's desk. I'd (Feels behind him) Mr. Biggley? (Dropping her hands) No. HEDY appears. swings chair around to face audience. touches the glass on the window c. opens slowly. it's rne ' (Rises.68 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT I Scene 14 ACT I J. BIGGLEY'S OFFICE. Feels the sofa. looks startled) Oh.. HEDY: Mr. There is a door panel to enter Biggley' s office L. the world at large) Someday (Bathroom door U. with a secretary's desk visible to the audience..
.) Rosemary? Oh. kisses him. Finch. (FINCH sits in chair c. Just once.) FINCH: (Half-singing)· HEDY: Huh? (Orchestra-trumpet FINCH: (Crosses R. (Starts jar door L. FINCH: Okay. After kiss. but HEDY crosses D. harp glissando is played.ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 69 better . HEDY: You're anxious to get back to that Rosemary. Look. to him) That's very sensible. let 'S try it.) HEDY: What's your hurry? FINCH: I think I'd better getback to the party. HEDY: (Crosses R.) You're going places. FINCH: Uh uh.. between him and the door.. two steps. theme. I'd rather he didn't. Hedy . played by trumpet. HEDY: Wouldn't j.) Can't you hear it? (Half-sing- . die if he walked in and found you kissing me? FINCH: Frankly. huh? Are you stuck on her? FINCH: (Crosses to c.. (She smacks him in the stomach. you did. If you don't kiss me. HEDY: You'd better. "Rosemary" theme is now heard.) Rosemary! HEDY: Rosemary? FINCH: That kiss . Hsov: Come on. Rosemary! (Rises..B. I think I'd better. FINCH: Well.) ing. I've been watching you. buster. I'll tell J.) plays C Maj.. (Crosses L. HEDY: It's more fun down here. FINCH then tries to rise but collapses from aftermath oj kiss. An up-and-coming young chap like you shouldn't be tied down.i FINCH: Venezuela. she and I are just good friends. HEDY sits in his lap.B.
) Just imagine if we kissed. Hedy.) Rosemary (Crosses D. Like a symphony. What a crescendo ROSEMARY . into bathroom. HEDY: I don't know my own strength. about to conduct invisible orchestra.L. .) Was the melody locked inside me.R.R. 'Til at last out it came Rosemary! (Crosses D. (Loud CRESCENDO of "Rosemary" theme. HEDY: (Points at kim) Finch. (Crosses to c.70 . I can't explain .HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT I HEDY:What about that kiss? FINCH: Rosemary! HEDY: It is highly insulting to think of two broads in the middle of one kiss. FINCH: I'm sorry. . (She goes U. HEDY: (Crosses R. I must have been in love ever since she took my particulars. You are in love.) Rosemary.) FINCH: Suddenly there is music In the sound of your name . He indicates downbeat.) FINCH: (Takes front. but something happened to me. Hedy. FINCH raises his arms. stunned) That's right! Finch is in love! It's like music all around me. (Looks around.) Rosemary (Crosses R. to him) And you found this out by kissing me? FINCH: Yes.
) . (T hey both cross to each other c. Pierrepont Finch? ROSEMARY: Now I hear it ' I hear it! (Crosses L. slowly drops hand. . . just imagine ": . J. darling. closes eyes. like a beautiful pink sky . ROSEMARY:I can't hear a thing.) FINCH: Rosemary. ROSEMARY:What are you talking about? FINCH: Can't you hear it? Can't you hear it? Suddenly there is music in the sound of you~ name . I heard Bud Frump talking at the party. . to him) Now look here. through anteroom and crosses R. have you lost your mind? FINCH: Rosemary. It's all around me..) J. Rosemary. (Crosses R. FINCH: Rosemary .) Rosemary. (Falls and rolls on floor. to edge oj desk) Ponty. to her) Rosemary.) As for the rest of my lifetime program... J list listen.:" . something wonderful has happened.. There is wonderful music In the very sound of your name. (Stays on floor D. ROSEMARY: (Crosses R..ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 71 (Raises his hand high. Pierrepont.R.) I hear it! Suddenly there is music In the sound of your name (FINCH crosses R. Give me more of the same . Where is she? FINCH: (Rises.. crosses L. will you marry J.) Not to be missed. ROSEMARY: '(Enters L. Pierrepont Finch.
ROSEMARY now looks very carefully at Finch as he talks. ROSEMARY: (Crosses L. don't let me keep you.If we kissed . this is very easily explained. (After song they embrace. Go on.) J. they break kiss. of Rosemary) Oh. ROSEMARY: (Coldly) And I'm seeing you for the first time.R. Take her home for the weekend. Kiss her again. turn from. Go back to making love to her.. (R.) .. and hers. honey. . of c.) Yes.) . It's as though I'm seeing you for the first time. You have on two different kinds of lipstick.72 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT I .. . to Hedy.) BOTH: Not to be missed.. to below chair. . (HEDY re-enters U. Well.) . Pierrepont Rosemary BOTH: There is wonderful music In the very sound of your name. remain holding hands. ROSEMARYsees her but FINCH doesn't. FINCH: (Crosses R. (They kiss. I do. (Crosses L.. FINCH: . (BOTH cross L... realized. Mine . (Points to Hedy. FINCH: As for the rest of my lifetime Program give me more of the same (They both cross R. startled) Rosemary.) You don't understand. I don't care! (She turns and walks out L. At end of concerto. wearing nothing but a big towel. What a crescendo . I've been so wrapped up in trying to get ahead that I never ..) FINCH: (Turns to Hedy) What will I do? . Pierrepont. Pierrepont ]. hold it while piano concerto is played. .' .) ROSEMARY: FINCH: Rosemary J.
I do not care for anything like that between executives and their secretaries. in anteroom. (ROSEMARY stops in anteroom as she sees something stage L. . FINCH: But Miss Pilkington is not my secretary. They kiss and hold it. ROSEMARY: Oh. I want you to know I still do not approve of what you were doing when I walked in.. and keep it hidden.) offI' .) !... FINCH: You do? For what? BIGGLEY: Never mind. Mr. actually. He turns back. you have. BUD goes L. above desk [or bathroom U. However. not H edy. ROSEMARY: Yes. to R. looking satisfied that his plan has been put into action. FINCH crosses L. of desk to watch. : . ) BIGGLEY: (Faces closed door in a puzzled manner. of Finch) Finch.) ROSEMARY: (At bathroom door) Excuse me.I HEDY: Let's do what she said. Biggley. crosses D.) BICGLEY: Oh. ROSEMARY crosses D. in clinch with Finch. door. (He starts u.:. stops dead as he sees Rosemary. (Slams door. BICGLEY enters office. addresses H edy. : i I FINCH: Uh . I thought . crosses below Finch to L. (HEDY goes through U. Finch show me your office.) You snake.R. of H edy.. ROSEMARYswiftly beats him to it. As BIGGLEYgoes above desk.. it's my fault. BIGGLEY: . I'm sorry... Well. looks at him. HEDY: I have nothing to hide. Now kiss me. lowe you an apology . to Finch. to Finch and Rosemary. (Recovering) I see.ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 73 . ( They separate and look at Him. crosses R. I just came in to wash up. (She grabs him. BICGLEY and BUD enter L.1 ROSEMARY: Oh oh ' (She comes rushing back. I insisted that Mr.R.) Get back in there. " 'I ' .
B. Ovington? OVINGTON: The greatest little college in the worldNorthern State. Mr. oj Biggley) I haven't finished my speech yet.) BRATT: We figured you might be here. FINCH: How do you do. BRATT and OVINGTONenter from anteroom D.) OVINCTON: I sure am a Chipmunk. Gophers. Bulldogs. BIGGLEY:You made a fine speech. Mr. J. BIGGLEY: (He and FINCH exchange glances) A chipmunk! (Crosses R. but I'm very interested in advertising and I've read a lot about you In Fortune Magazine. never a Chipmunk! (BRATT crosses R.way we murdered the Groundhogs last Saturday? BIGGLEY: Ovington.) BRATT: Ovington. FINCH counters to R. BIGGLEYand FINCH sing:) • . starting off. you did. Did you see the . Mr. oj C. (Crosses L.74 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT I BIGGLEY: Oh. to Finch.) Your resignation is accepted. OVINGTON: How do you do? (He and FINCH shake hands. I've hired men from all colleges-Tigers. Mr. OVINGTON: (Crosses D. to Ouington. Badgers-but never. yes. (Crosses L. (OVINGTON signs resignation. Biggley. We've been waiting for you. Very good speech. Ovington.) BIGGLEY: Is that so? Where did you play. Ovington was an All-American halfback at college? (Crosses R. Ovington. but keeps looking at Ovington. Good point. FINCH: Yes. Trojans. Finch of Plans and Systems. Some wonderful stuff. FINCH: By the way.) FINCH: I didn't get a chance to tell you at the party.L.L. I'm not a bigot. OVINGTON: Thank you. this is Mr. Ovington. FINCH looks front and smiles. did you know that Mr. below Finch. takes out a pen and resignation form from pocket and offers it to Ovington to sign.
Chipmunk rah. sir. sir. Finch is very bright... BIGGLEY:I like him. you could handle it? FINCH: (C rosses R. the thing is . FINCH: Well. to Finch.ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 75 BIGGLEYand FINCH: Rip. stops.. BRATT: Ideas? Tell us some of them. turns..) Finch. what are we going to do for a new advertising manager? BIGGLEY: Finch. (Crosses R.. it's a good thing you're on the ball when it comes to advertising. I'm making you vice president in charge of advertising.. BRATT: (Crosses R. Do you think.B. I .B. BIGGLEY: ( Quickl)' cutting in) Come on. (Throws up hands in resignation. FINCH: Me? A vice president? BRATT: J.. FINCH: Well. BIGGLEY:Put up or shut up. through anteroom and BIGGLEY: (Crosses D. BIGGLEY: (To BRATT) If there's one thing I admire in a man. chip chip chip chip Chipmunk! (H e exits L.) That was a narrow squeak.) Where are those ideas? FINCH: Well.) BIGGLEY: I think we've hit on something here... it's humility. two steps) I don't know. to Biggley) Say. I don't want to question your decision. J.. . off· ) ~- .. BIGGLEY: Finch. BRATT: I like him. son. I haven't had time to figure them . Finch. Bratt. Finch.. To Finch. FINCH: It was a big shock to me. (Crosses one step R.C. rip the Chipmunk Off the field (OVINGTONstarts off L. This boy is loaded with great ideas. .. but he's rather inexperienced and .) OVINGTON: Chipmunk rah.. BIGGLEY: Get on the ball or you'll be out of here like a shot.) You've" always wanted this rotten job. rip. (BRATT looks away. maybe it's Fate that you happen to be here at this very moment. : .
HEDY is now back in her Paris original dress.) Better get going. with BRATT. Rosemary. Finch.) HEDY: I'll go back to the steno pool. Hello.B. (Hangs up. picks up phone.76 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT I FINCH: But.) Now let's see what. . I'd like to be able to give you a clear-cut campaign . Vice President Finch. You're now a vice president in full charge of advertising and. above desk. (Suddenly remembers girls. (She exits off L. up to now I'm pretty dissatisfied with your work. Remember those cards I spoke to you about last week? Go ahead and print them right away. You were Mr... I'd love that. to Finch) Say. (Crosses U. J. Finch can tell us all his ideas then. you can come out now. starting off. I've got a surprise for (Crosses .) Rosemary. (ROSEMARY turns her back to Finch. the Plans Board is meeting day after tomorrow. sir. BIGGLEY:Fine. frankly.. taps Rosemary on shoulder) Rosemary? ROSEMARY:(Still turned away) I'm going to be your secretary? (Turns to him.L. HEDY: (Stops) Congratulations.) FINCH: Sure. stops and turns to Finch. I've been made a vice president.) FINCH: I don't care what happens. you've got forty-eight hours to make an advertising presentation. Hedy. stops in anteroom. this is Mr. Can I be your secretary? FINCH: Gee.) Oh. but Rosemary is going to be my secretary. (She goes L.) FINCH: (Crosses R. BRATT: (Crossing R.) Guess I'll wait for that pigeon till after he's married.) HEDY: Thanks. Finch. (Starts off L. L. to desk. girls. calls.) Hello. Finch. Ovington's secretary . you. (He and BRATT exit L. (HEDY and ROSEMARY come out. . get me the stationery shop downstairs.) FINCH: (Crosses R. I'm a vice president.
) Hello. I'd rather die. I can only do it if I have your help. ROSEMARY: ou do? (FINCH nods yes. ROSEMARY: J. All right. Finch. Pierrepont Finch Suddenly there is music J.ACT I WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 77 (Crosses L.) ROSEMARY:"Wait a minute. Rosemary. name painter? (ROSEMARY turns front. (Stops. FINCH: Wonderful.) Well. I'll be your secretary. I' need you.. Now let's get to work. Rosemary. Wait a minute. operator. to him) And what makes you think I'd be your secretary. (Into phone..) FINCH: This is Mr.) L. crosses back to desk. in that case .L. You have to.. (Starts off ROSEMARY:Just like that? Haven't you forgotten something? FINCH: Oh.) and now I'm taking over his whole department. I'm in charge of advertising now. name painter?" (BUD enters D. you must. ROSEMARY:(Crosses L. picks up phone. FINCH: Rosemary. yeah. I want my name on my door in gold leaf. She thinks for Y a moment. BUD: Oh! (Collapses. You know what a tough job that is.) FINCH: . holding onto door. opens door and sticks head into office to eavesdrop. Rosemary. Hello. Who paints names on office doors? RO~mMARY: Finch. aren't you going to kiss me? FINCH: Kiss you? I can't. Ro"SEMARY: Why not? FINCH: You're my secretary.) Hello. Pierrepont! In the sound of my name All capitals! Rosemary Yes. block letters! Tav Pierrenont l -~---~- -------~-------- ----~~------ ----~--------- .
There must be! There must Jay Pierrepont Jay Pierrepont I can't stand it (Sits. .) wonderful music in the very Sound of your name BUD: (By door D.) . when you see it on your own door! There is wonderful music in the very Sound of your name ROSEMARY: (Crosses R.L.) I will return! I will return! END OF ACT I (Hangs up phone.) Vice president! There must be a way to stop him.) Whatever happened to Rosemary There is (Crosses D. ) (Rises. . Jay Pierrepont Boy. Remember me.R. (Crosses U .R.78 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS FINCH: ACT I Vice president In charge of advertising F-I-N-C-H The usual spelling .) Rosemary All of my lifetime Program will be more the same.
to T ACKABERRY. I hope Ponty comes up with something. c. crosses R. observing Frump and Jenkins stage R. are sitting around. (ROSEMARY enters U. BUD turns. who is standing R. She is dressed for departure. The GIRLS u. stopping him L. of c.s.R. including SMITTY. bag. from the executive suite. they've all been scared out of their wits. have been observing the above business.R. MISS KRUMHOLTZ crosses U. crosses L. You've been threatening that all week. ~y: SMITTY: MISS There's sure a lot of whispering going on toIt's the Merchandise Mafia at work. They both cross D. of c.) Where are you going? ROSEMARY: (c. SMITTY: At ten o'clock in the morning? ROSEMARY: I've resigned. to him and whispers something to him. JENKINS enters L. crosses D. BUD crosses to kim. When's the big meeting? SMITTY: It's set for this afternoon. and whispers to him.) Home. 79 KRUMHOLTZ: . SMITTY: Nonsense. and exits.ACT II Scene 1 THE OUTER OFFICE. . etc. of C. SMITTY crosses to her. below row oj desks. hat. (BUD and JENKINS exit L. to the girls at the desks. All of the OFFI~E GIRLS. with TOYNBEE. I'm quitting. BUD ·FRUMP is standing L. from the executive suite. SMITTY. crosses R.. BRATT enters U. gossiping. BRATT crosses L.R. they exit R.. to MISS KRUMHOLTZ. of c..) Ever since Finch became a vice president. He whispers something to them.
) But. Wait till he reads it. of Miss Krumholtz) But I thought he was going. trying to shush the girls as ROSEMARY crosses L. don't worry. SECONDGIRL: (L. to L.... I mean to us . SMITTY: (Crosses R. of Rosemary) Look. Etc. (Crosses R. Rosemary. uh . (SMITTY crosses L.) ROSEMARY:Sssshh.) Smitty... _-. I don't mind a person ignoring me completely as long as he pays a little attention. too. SMITTY: I don't mean to him.) SMITTY: (Ap'ologetically) I only told the girls. She will forgive him. that was supposed to be a secret. you got to.-- --- . of First Girl) That's what I thought.S. Sure. (THREE GIRLS drift down to hear the conversation. (To girls..) He did tell you he loved you and that he wanted to marry you. ROSEMARY:Never! MISS KRUMHOLTZ: (Takes ROSEMARYU. (Crosses R. ROSEMARY:I've been very loyal to him. to marry her. there's one thing you can't overlook-that's loyalty. Smitty. SMITTY: (Crosses U. Vh huh.. SMITTY: (Crosses R. I haven't told anybody. looks at her accusingly. _ FIRST GIRL: (L. GIRLS: That's right. to Smitty.---------------- ---_---_-- . he doesn't need me. CINDERELLA.) I left a letter of resignation on his desk. of Smitty) What's the matter? SMITTY: Rosemary is resigning from Finch. MISS KRUMHOLTZ: (L. us girls. MISS 'KRUMHOLTZ:Me.) Don't worry.80 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS ACT II ROSEMARY:This time it's official.) Aw. I just can't take it any more. SMITTY: How often does it happen DARLING ------------- --. to second desk from C. ROSEMARY: Smitty. SMITTY: Oh.
That makes him automatically a prince. True? GIRLS: True? MISS KRUMHOLTZ: So. A GIRL: See? (Shoves wastepaper basket on ROSEMARY'S foot as a glass slipper. you're automatically a Cinderella. I'm rio Cinderella. So. for mine. I've got eighty-five dollars in the bank and a savings bond.) SMITTY: Don't you realize You're a real. Please. He's a vice president.) To the land of flower'd chintz? Hallelujah! GIRLS: SMITTY: How often does a Cinderella Get a crack at the prince? Cinderella and the prince! Cinderella? Wait a minute.ACT II WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 81 That a secretary's boss Wants to marry 'er? GIRLS: Hallelujah! How often does the dream come true Without a sign of conflict Or barrier? Hallelujah! SMITTY: GIRLS: . ROSEMARY: GIRLS: . SMITTY: Why treat a man like he was a typhoid carrier? How often can you fly From this land of carbon paper . (FOUR GIRLS cross D. A symbol divine. darling.L. if not for your own sake. SMITTY: It's not a matter of money. live fairy tale.
And mine. (They back away. And mine.) Don't turn down the prince. GIRLS gather around. Don't. (They all cross to Rosemary. GIRLS: HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS And mine. Cinderella. (Crosses D. The folklore. don't. . Don't turn down the prince! ACT n SMITTY: Don't rewrite your story.A.L. To the Tarrytown P.) Each hour of each day. .) We were raised on you..T. MISS THIRD KRUMHOLTZ: GIRL: Hurry from Twenty-One .) Don't mess up a major miracle. The working girl's dream of glory! (ROSEMARY ALL: crosses D. Don't. (GIRL SMITTY: takes wastebasket off her foot. On from Bergdorf Goodman FIRST GIRL: oh. To Elizabeth Arden . And we've loved you ever since.82. don't..C. let us live it with you.) You're the legend. darling. darling. SECOND GIRL: In the station wagon . . Cinderella.