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I LOVE YOU BECAUSE
Music by JOSHUA SALZMAN Book and Lyrics by RYAN CUNNINGHAM
Theatri©al Rights Worldwide 1359 Broadway, Suite 914, New York, NY 10018 866-378-9758 toll-free 212-643-1322 fax www.TheatricalRights.com
THE PLACE New York City
THE TIME Present day
CAST OF CHARACTERS AUSTIN BENNET (25; tenor to A): greeting card writer. JEFF BENNET (28; baritone to G [optional A]): pedi-cab driver. MARCY FITZWILLIAMS (24; soprano, strong mix to F, belt to D): photographer. DIANA BINGLEY (27; alto to D): actuary. BRIGITTE (soprano): Cocktail Waitress, Baristress, Neighbor, Chinese Food Restaurant Manager, NYC Woman DANNY (bari-tenor): Bartender, Barista, Waiter, Chinese Food Restaurant Waiter, NYC Man
INDEX OF SCENES AND SONGS
Act I Scene 1 Scene 2 Scene 3 Scene 4 Scene 5 Scene 6 Scene 7a Scene 7b Scene 7c Scene 8 Scene 9 Scene 10a Scene 10b Scene 10c Scene 11 Scene 12
Location New York City O’Dennehey’s Bar Marcy and Diana’s Apartment O’Dennehey’s Bar Austin and Jeff’s Apartment True Brew Coffee Shop O’Dennehey’s Bar True Brew Coffee Shop Austin and Jeff’s Apartment Austin and Jeff’s Apartment Great Wall Chinese Restaurant Marcy and Diana’s Apartment New York City Marcy and Diana’s Apartment Austin and Jeff’s Apartment A Park
Song Another Saturday Night in New York Oh, What a Difference The Actuary Song But I Don’t Want to Talk About Her Jeff’s Back Coffee The Perfect Romance—Part 1 The Perfect Romance—Part 2 The Perfect Romance—Part 3 The Postcard Arrives Beef and Some Vegetable Because of You We’re Just Friends Popcorn and Wine Maybe We Just Made Love Just Not Now
Page 1 4 9 15 23 27 36 38 41 46 50 56 59 61 66 70
Act II Scene 1 Scene 2a Scene 2b Scene 3 Scene 4 Scene 5a Scene 5b Scene 6
Location O’Dennehey’s Bar Austin and Jeff’s Apartment Austin and Jeff’s Apartment New York City O’Dennehey’s Bar Austin and Jeff’s Apartment Austin and Jeff’s Apartment True Brew Coffee Shop
Song Alone That’s What’s Gonna Happen Even Though But I Do What Do We Do It For Marcy’s Yours Goodbye I Love You Because
Page 73 77 84 87 90 98 100 102
wah. (He stops writing) Oh. wah. dooooh. Another Saturday night in New York.ACT I ACT I. (Austin) Every night I’m the winner. Rah. Drink some fine wine. 1 . SCENE 1 — NEW YORK CITY ANOTHER SATURDAY NIGHT IN NEW YORK (Austin) (He appears onstage. (Ensemble) Shoobie doobie doo wah. Brush my teeth in the shower. That I can’t see the ground. Shampoo twice. (Austin) I’m flying so high. wah. I knock on her door. They can see me all the way Down the Long Island Sound. It’s a lot more fun with someone else. wah. Catherine is mine. Life is like a see-saw. I am a master of greeting card writing! (Checking the time) And right on time. Our future is bright. wah. (Ensemble) Dooooh. Old Spice is nice. She’s my angel in white. wah. Right on time like I have every Saturday before. that’s good. Then I’m off to Catherine’s. Clean and primp for an hour. (Ensemble enters behind Austin) Then we’re off to have dinner. wah. She’ll love that. writing in a pad) Dear Catherine.
2 . What can go wrong? When I die can I Bring the whole city along? For this Manhattanite Another Saturday night in New York. Somewhere that’s chic. (Austin) All is perfect. (Austin) Stop right here. ee. (NYC Man) Yankees won last night. (Austin) For the next couple hours. (NYC Woman) Every “Up yours” (Jeff) And “Screw you” (Diana) And “Watch it. Cabbies honk their horns Together in a perfect symphony.(Austin and Ensemble) Another Saturday night in New York. Just like last week. ee. (Ensemble) This city’s funny. When you’re in love everything seems perfect. jerk!” (Ensemble) Are in perfect harmony. And the night before. buy some flowers. (Danny as NYC Man and Brigitte as NYC Woman) You tip your hat to All the ladies and they smile at you. (NYC Woman) Billy Joel says he might go back on tour.
Another Saturday night. Austin approaches the door and knocks on it. Another Saturday night in New York! (Austin) I’ll be with Catherine for the rest of my life. Jeff and Diana exit. Another Saturday night. woah. oo oo. But then it changes And all that you know rearranges. Another Saturday night. Austin looks horrified) (Austin) Catherine? (NYC Man and NYC Woman) Another Saturday night in New York. He opens it. (Jeff) Let’s go! (Ensemble) Ever since you two first started dating. NYC Man and NYC Woman walk to each side of Catherine’s door. But doesn’t it seem like It’s already almost too good to be true? (Austin) Another Saturday night in New York! (Ensemble) Another Saturday night. Woah.(Ensemble) Catherine’s waiting. light pours out toward the audience. 3 I’ll be with Catherine for the rest of my life. Another Saturday night. Another Saturday night. Another Saturday night. END OF SONG . It has seemed like all of New York is Laid out just for you. Another Saturday night! Another Saturday night in New York! (As the music comes back in. Another Saturday night. Another Saturday night.
ACT I. Do you feel like shit? (Austin) Yeah. What happened to you? (Austin) I walked in on Catherine and another guy. (Jeff) I have a magic shirt where it writes what I’m thinking. (Cocktail Waitress) It’s written on your shirt. You have to feel like shit. we just got a new shipment in. (Austin) Paddle. (Bartender and Cocktail Waitress exit) (Jeff) Hey. (Jeff) You gotta feel like you’re up shit’s creek without a ladder. Can you help me in the back? (Cocktail Waitress) Yeah. (Jeff) Man! That is the shittiest thing that could possibly happen. I’ll see you later. Woah. is your name Summer? ’Cause you’re hot. (Brigitte as Cocktail Waitress) Very clever. SCENE 2 — O’DENNEHEY’S BAR (Jeff) Hey. (Jeff) I just made it up. 4 . (Bartender enters) (Danny as Bartender) Hey.
Austin. the Bennet brothers. Austin. you’re single again now.(Jeff) Paddle. You had met this beautiful girl who was funny and thought you were funny and you hit it off. (Austin) Easy. (Austin and Jeff awkwardly hug) (Austin) Yeah. but couldn’t because you were with Catherine. (Jeff) Let me try again. (Jeff) For the ladies. You can do all the kind of stuff you wanted to do. That girl was Catherine. back on the scene. Austin and Jeff. You can do that kind of stuff again now. You remember that? (Austin) Yeah. I think I’d like that. You called me. and you were having the time of your life. You and I can paint the town together. (Jeff) Listen. (Jeff) I’ll have to kill you. (Jeff) Come here. . Hug? (Austin) Yeah. I didn’t like that. and you were psyched. Jeff. Remember back when you were single? Before you met Catherine? (Austin) Kinda. (Jeff) Damn! (Austin) I have to win her back. 5 (Jeff) I remember this one time. (Austin) That might be nice.
(Jeff) There’s just one thing you need to know. for some reason. look at you. You’re a mess. I guess. please. It’s kind of iconic. (Austin) Which is? . I’ve planned my whole life around her. there’s only one way to win a woman back. (Austin) Have you met me? You think I can just move on that easily? (Jeff) You want her back Now don’t you. I’m Austin. (Jeff) Imagine it. You want Catherine back. But I’m warning you. we were supposed to get married. OH. (Jeff) Austin. WHAT A DIFFERENCE (Jeff) Austin. Just last week we were talking about moving upstate soon. Bro? (Austin) Uh. Well here’s how… (Austin) How? (Jeff) Pretend you couldn’t care less. I’m not dating a heartless skank who cheats on me. (Austin) Ironic? (Jeff) Ironic. getting out of the city. and now she’s gone. starting our lives. It’s like this: “Hey.(Austin) 6 Jeff. yes.” (Austin) Jeff. I can’t imagine not being with her.
(Jeff) Forget her. Boom! Kaput! She’s gone! Women come back When you move on. They’re fed up with you. They list all the things that you lack. So you go out, find someone new. Guess what? Now they want you back. That’s all it takes. Oh, what a difference A little indifference makes. (Austin) Jeff, it can’t possibly be that easy. Don’t you think everyone would know about it? (Jeff) You see that guy Cry in his beer. A girl walks up Blows in his ear. Getting excited! Next thing, she’s Taking off her clothes. His ex has moved on. But trust me, she knows. She says, “Let’s screw. No strings.” He stammers, “Okay,” through his shock. Suddenly his cell phone rings. It’s her, and she just wants to talk. That’s all it takes. Oh, what a difference A little indifference makes. So come on Austin, Let’s hit the town. Go somewhere loud. We’ll both get plowed. Hey! It’s Jeff! I won’t let you down. Oh, come on Austin. She’s a memory, just let it fade. We’ll get each other’s backs. Let loose! Relax! Who knows? You might even get laid. (Austin) I don’t know Jeff.
(Jeff) Come on, Austin. If you go out, have fun, somewhere Catherine will sense that you’re happy and come running back. They have a sick sense. (Austin) Sixth. (Jeff) Uh-uh. Sick. So let’s go out, forget the past. (Austin) Austin and Jeff, back together at last. (Jeff) That’s what I’m talking about! Listen, it’s me, I’ll get us dates. (Austin) Hey, I know this bar that Catherine hates. (Jeff) Do what we used to do. But look, Catherine’s back for more. (Austin) I’ll say, “My God, you’re back. It’s you. Catherine, have you met the door?” (Jeff) Yeah, that’s what it takes. (Austin and Jeff) Oh what a difference, (Austin) What an itty bitty difference, (Jeff) What a whole life changing difference, (Austin and Jeff) A little indifference makes. A little indifference makes. A little indifference makes. (Jeff) It’s good to have you back, Bro. (Austin and Jeff) A little indifference makes! END OF SONG
ACT I, SCENE 3 — MARCY AND DIANA’S APARTMENT (Diana and Marcy are in their apartment. Diana searches frantically for her keys) (Diana) I’m sorry about this, Marcy. I’m sure I left them around here somewhere, and since you don’t believe in carrying keys, it’s our only pair. THE ACTUARY SONG—VERSE INTRO (Marcy) I did the right thing. Right? Of course, I did the right thing. Right? I always do the right thing no matter what ’Cause I do what my heart says, I follow my gut. I made the right choice, right? (Diana) If I were my keys, where would I be? (Marcy) Right. But what if I’m wrong? And what if with Larry’s where I belong? But my gut said, “Marcy, I know it’s tough, But it’s time to end this. You’ve had enough.” I made the right choice. Right? (Diana) Maybe someone stole my keys. (Marcy) At first he was great. Fun. Galore. I thought, “He’s what I’m put here for.” But I always thought that we’d turn into something more. So fine, I’m done dating Larry, I know I should rejoice. But everywhere I’m going I still hear his frickin’ voice Diana, please tell me that I made the right choice. I made the right choice. Right? END OF SONG
(Marcy) You know what. “I love you?” (Marcy) Okay. Marcy. let’s go! . Larry…is a dirt bag. And a free spirit. There was only so much I could do. I dated him for two years. do you think it’s weird that Larry forgot your birthday? (Marcy) I definitely remember… (Diana) Say Marcy. My perfect man is out there waiting for me. (Diana) And a dirt bag. (Marcy) When? (Diana) Say. I get the point! (Diana) You were in love with him. I just wasted two years of my life on a dead-end relationship. Come on.(Diana) 10 I swear to God they were right…here they are. Diana? I’ve gotta get back out there. Diana. And a vegan. I kinda… (Diana) Say Marcy. do you think it’s weird that Larry doesn’t hold the door for you? (Marcy) Oh. do you think it’s weird that in the two years you’ve been dating. Larry never once said. Were you saying something? (Marcy) Yeah. Found my keys. and God only knows what he’s been doing for the past two years. (Marcy) Diana. (Marcy) But he was an artist. I’ve been waiting to tell you this. You couldn’t have said something? (Diana) I did say something. I was saying that breaking up with Larry was the right thing to do. Right? (Diana) Marcy.
(Diana) But this is still an important time for you. Dating isn’t a wild free-for-all. alone. Everything about dating can be figured out with numbers. You can’t just come out of a two-year relationship and run back out there. The second year is worth exactly half that. I’ll do anything. It’s as simple as… Take your relationship length or RL. Just tell me what you’re talking about. So rebound time. Your RT is important. Each year is worth One half the lack of mirth The year before was worth. calm down. You go through RT and then finish. A woman with less than three is a prude. and here I am again. (Marcy) For you. I really tried with Larry. (Marcy) What math? I’m not even in a relationship now. Which brings us to the math involved in your situation. (Marcy giggles) Now don’t you laugh at This brilliant discovery. RT. A woman with more than five sexual partners is a slut. and you need to know how long it’s going to be. Don’t even try. It’s a game of numbers. (Marcy) Oh. (Diana) No. . You’re an actuary. for everyone sweetie. Don’t call until three days after a date. No sex until four weeks into a relationship. And it really can’t be shortened.(Diana) 11 Marcy. No matter what you do. (Diana) Rebound time. Your aches and pains will soon diminish. Like six months? Yeah? THE ACTUARY SONG (Diana) No. Is the fraction of a year It takes for pain to disappear. First year of RL Is worth six months recovery. (Marcy) Diana.
I have his picture in my mind. I’m gonna go out and I’ll get him Once my rebound time is done. but then Those guys will just be rebound men. This matters. That’s what rebound time is all about. Your new RL. Yes? (Diana) No. He’ll be everything I’ve ever dreamed of. it’s plain to see. That there are three things to consider When it’s all to be configurated. Then find the one. Your RL. (Marcy) So I give it time. But what matters is how long That it feels like you dated.(Marcy) What if I… (Diana) So you can date around. And it’s as simple as that. Or just ARL. And I know it may sound strange. No. It’s four divided by three 12 . And it’s the ARL that changes with One! What number boyfriend was he? Was it low or was it high? Also known as the Number Boyfriend Index. It’s as clear as black and white. it can change. We’ll call it adjusted RL. Or the NBI. Are you following me so far? (Marcy) Yes. If you ask me. it does. We still need to figure out your rebound time. Like how right the breakup felt Or the way that things went wrong. (Diana) Some factors can make A relationship feel long. I’m gonna find mister right.
(Marcy) You know it felt like that. and then You get the BF. Right. (Diana) Actually… (Marcy) What? 13 . And number three! The bitterness factor. divide by point five. He’ll be everything I’ve ever dreamed of.) Plus the number boyfriend that he was. You take that number.(Diana. I’m gonna find Mr. And it’s as simple as that. you multiply by three fourths. So. We’ll think all the same thoughts And we’ll never ever fight. plug it in…dit dit dit…Carry the one…and…it’s like you dated for a year. cont. (Diana) Exactly. Putting your rebound time at six months. Begin to heal. You with me? If he dumped you. based on how you are reacting to the breakup. you multiply by five fourths. he was your 27th boyfriend. If you dumped him. Rate the bitterness of the breakup On a scale of one to ten. (Marcy) So I’ll give it time. (Marcy) Isn’t that what I said five minutes ago? (Diana) But now it’s proven. Once I’m done with rebound time It’s time to bring on someone real. The WBUWWC. Officially. (Marcy) So what’s my rebound time? (Diana) Well. you actually dated for two years. I’d say the bitterness is about a five. Two! The who broke up with whom constant.
(Diana) It’s not that simple. Some of my friends got their perfect man, But just before they got ‘em, They dated the worst man possible. They hit boyfriend rock bottom. (Marcy) So in order to find my perfect man I need to find someone who’s perfectly wrong. I’m in New York, that shouldn’t take too long. (Diana) You’ve gotta find Mister Wrong while you’re in R. T. Or you’ll repeat this cycle forever Just like me. (Marcy) I’ll give it time. But first I have to find Someone who’s flawed, Structured, and boring. He’ll have warts of every kind. I’ll give it time, But then leave Mr. Rebound Behind. (Diana) You bet you will. Don’t blow it. When I was in my rebound time I blew it and I knew it. I blew it and I knew it. I blew it and I knew it. Super warty! Warty, warty, warty, warty, Warty, warty, warty! He’ll have a bump, Live in a dump, Be such a chump, That if you hump, You’ll need a penis pump. You’re gonna give it time. Otherwise you’ll be sure To go back to the cycle That you’ve cycled through before. But you’ll stand strong. And I swear I will be there, No matter where, Because I care. We are a pair, And we will share The wear and tear. In the next six months, You’re gonna find Mr. Wrong.
Oh! I’ll give it time. Otherwise I’ll be sure To go back to the cycle That I’ve cycled through before. I’m sure it won’t be pleasant, But I’ll stand strong.
So to find Mr. Right In the next six months, I’m gonna find Mr. Wrong. END OF SONG
ACT I, SCENE 4 — O’DENNEHEY’S BAR (Brigitte as Cocktail Waitress) Hello and welcome to O’Dennehey’s. Can I start you guys off with a drink? (Austin) I’ll have a Brooklyn Lager. (Jeff) Has anyone ever told you that you look like Minnie Driver? (Cocktail Waitress) You think so?! (Jeff) Yeah, a little. I’ll have a Jameson, rocks. (Cocktail Waitress) Okay, Brooklyn lager and a Jameson—rocks. (Exits) (Austin) So where exactly did you meet this girl? (Jeff) You know, it’s hard to say where we meet people in this crazy, mixed-up world. (Austin) Where’d you meet her? (Jeff) Well, the thing about this cacophonous symphony we call New York City is… (Austin) Jeff, where? (Jeff) J-Date. (Austin) The online Jewish dating service?
(Jeff) So? (Austin) We’re not Jewish! (Diana and Marcy enter the bar) (Jeff) Quiet! That’s her. Now, remember, be smooth. Compliment her. (To Diane and Marcy) Mazel Tov! You must be Diana Bingley. (Diana) And you, Jeff Bennet. (Jeff) Yes. And this beautiful young woman must be Marcy Fitz… (Marcy) Fitzwilliams. (Jeff) Fitzwilliams. (Marcy) I am. (Jeff) Marcy, this is my brother, Austin. (Austin) (To Marcy) Hello. You have a big belt. (Jeff) Ladies, we just ordered drinks, so we’ll go tell the waitress what you want. (Diana) Cranberry and vodka with a splash of triple sec. (Jeff) A splash? (Diana) One-ninth of a shot. (Marcy) Whatever the waitress recommends. (Jeff) Okay. Come on, Austin. (Austin and Jeff exit)
(Marcy) You’ve lost it. The more certain I am I won’t end up with a guy. In order to do this right. the better. what do you do? (Jeff) I peddle a pedi-cab. (Diana) Isn’t that tiring? . I am now in my “wild abandon” phase. (Diana) Give him a chance. I blew my rebound time. And I’m certain I won’t end up with someone looking for a nice Jewish girl. 17 (Diana) Marcy. (Diana) So Jeff. I need to throw caution to the wind. (Austin and Jeff return from the bar) (Jeff) She’ll be right over. (Marcy) You’re not Jewish! (Diana) I’m not gonna marry him. I’m just looking for a little meshugenneh in the gefilte fish. (Marcy) Where did you meet these guys? (Diana) Well…J-Date. (Marcy) Diana Bingley’s throwing caution to the wind? (Diana) Marcy Fitzwilliams is following rules? (Marcy) Fair enough.(Marcy) I have a big belt.
Ladies…L’Chaim! (All toast and drink) (Marcy) And what do you do. maybe.(Jeff) Nah. has anyone ever told you that you look like Minnie Driver? (Diana) Really? (Jeff) A little. (Cocktail Waitress comes up behind Jeff with the drinks) Diana. it’s a piece of shit. (Marcy) Anything I would have heard of? (Austin) Anyone in your family die recently? (Jeff) Diana! What do you do? (Diana) I’m an actuary. we could have a Minnie Driver look-alike contest. Austin? (Austin) I’m a greeting card writer. . (Diana) Piece of—cake? (Jeff) Piece of cake. 18 (Cocktail Waitress) Maybe later. (Sets down the drinks and exits) (Jeff) Yeah.
didja? (Awkward pause) (To Diana) Hey. (Diana) Sure. (Jeff) Come on. (Jeff) So how do you like studying birds? (A confused pause from everyone else) I bet you didn’t think I knew what an actuary was. (Marcy) And what’s that? BUT I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HER (Austin) I write poetry.(Jeff) An actuary. wanna watch me get high score on Ms. Pac Man? (Diana) Ummm. Marcy… May I call you Marcy? (Marcy) That’s my name. Greeting card writing is just an outgrowth of my passion. (Jeff) Awesome! (Diana and Jeff exit) (Marcy) So…Austin…how’d you get into greeting card writing? (Austin) Well. Romance usually. (Austin) That it is. huh? (Diana) Yeah. I’m very romantic But…but wait! 19 . it’ll be awesome.
Cummings. She said. (Austin) Hmm. But straight. Speaking of beauty.) I’m tough. (Marcy) She sounds great. She was gorgeous. cont. That reminds me of my ex-girlfriend. Sorta like Rock Hudson. She’s so smart Being near her Makes your intelligence rise. Oh yeah. I wrote a poem for my ex-girlfriend. “That’s the best thing I’ve ever read. So. She has insight that I swear Could win a Pulitzer Prize.” And she reads poets. There’s a genius in her mind. That truly sparkles through her eyes. what do you do? (Marcy) I’m a photographer. She has all these guys Bouncing round her head. But she never really knew it. you were blessed If you had one chance to view it. But I don’t want to talk about her. This one time. I swear to God. (Austin) Oh yeah? What kind of stuff do you do? (Marcy) I try to capture the beauty of the human spirit. Yeats. A romantic tough guy. She had this smile. you name it. too. 20 .(Austin.
(Marcy) So you have an ex-girlfriend. (Austin) Oh. She’s as enchanting as Hepburn In “Breakfast at Tiffany’s. now that’s not really… (Marcy) I don’t want to talk about The day when I Experimented with my girlfriend And I almost came out. sorry. (Austin) I don’t want to talk about her. There are some things I don’t want to talk about either. we could… (Marcy) I don’t want to talk about How many men Have claimed that they would be the one And it turns out they’re all liars. (Austin) Marcy. yeah? (Marcy) I don’t want to talk about The fact that I Can’t seem to meet a single guy Who meets all my desires. cont. (Austin) We can talk about that if you really want to… 21 . (Austin) That’s fine. Or cause the most stubborn men To have epiphanies.” But I don’t want to talk about her.) She had a look That could inspire symphonies.(Austin. (Marcy) Oh right.
(Marcy) But there’s always something missing No matter where I search. I follow my plan. C’mon Austin. (Austin and Jeff exit) (Diana) So how is he? (Marcy) Perfect! (Marcy) Yeah but you…What?! Yeah. END OF SONG (Jeff and Diana enter) (Jeff) So…you figure out insurance risks…for birds. I heard. I see. by The way. but wasn’t it you who spent the first half of this conversation talking about your ex-girlfriend? (Austin) How dare you bring up the topic Of my ex-girlfriend. Obviously. 22 (Marcy) I’m sorry. (Austin) Woo! Man. you are kind of a whiner. I know we’ll Be together forever. (Diana) Yeah…No…There are no birds involved! (Jeff) Let’s do shots. Who’s gorgeous and brilliant. I’m not the type Who runs or who hides. And you throw it in my face. Now I’m all upset and that’s the fifteenth time today. But that’s not what I want to talk about. I follow my guides. Besides! I don’t want to talk about her. I’m trying not to think about it. Throw it? Less than I would’ve guessed. . No matter how misguided they may be. You’re wrong. I’m sorry.
are you trying to seduce me? (Jeff) I don’t know. 23 . (Diana) In your apartment? This is only our second date. my back. my back.. (Jeff) A love dance! (Diana) Mr.aaaaaaah! (His back has given out) (Diana) What’s wrong? (Jeff) My back. Bennet! (Jeff) Ms. my back. (Diana) Mr. Bingl. Bennet. (Diana) Well…if it’s just a dance. Jeff Bennet? (Jeff) It’s just a dance.ACT I. I may have to lie down to figure that one out. What kind of a girl do you think I am. I’m going to put you down on the couch. SCENE 5 — AUSTIN AND JEFF’S APARTMENT (Jeff) Lady of de night—may I have dis dance.
(Jeff) No. ow…yay team. You get off the couch. wait. ow. (Jeff) Go team! (Diana) Really? (Jeff) Okay. or is this something you can take for the team? (Jeff) Whose team? (Diana) Our team. lovah. 24 . (Diana) All right. I think my spine ruptured. Okay. (Jeff) Ow. I promise. (Diana) I’ll make this as painless as possible. (Diana) Is this serious. I think it’s best if you don’t touch me.(Diana) Likely story. now you join me. (Diana) You want me to rub it and make it better? (Jeff) No.
but lower yourself onto me. it’s like a karma too too move. Sorry. (Jeff) Sure. If I lay on the floor… Okay. Sorry. is there any way we can do this without you touching me? (Diana) That sort of defeats the purpose. it’s like a Kama Sutra move. yeah? (Jeff) Ow! Okay. yeah? (Jeff) Oh.(Jeff) Get out. Get out. yeah. (Jeff) There’s just too much give in the couch. Get out. (Diana) Oooh. yeah. now you climb on top of me. Get out. (Diana) Oh. (Diana) Oh. (Jeff) If I get to the floor…and then you support yourself on the couch. Oh. (Diana lowers herself onto him from couch) Oh! 25 . (Diana) Sorry.
An ambulance siren goes off in the dark) 26 . You fixed me! I’m fine! (Diana) What? (Jeff) It must have fallen back into place! So where were we? (Diana) Come here big boy. (Jeff) Arghhhh! (Blackout.(Diana) Sorry! (Jeff) You did it.
so he’s gonna kill some time over here. (Diana) Then why did you yell out my name? (Marcy) How’s Jeff? (Diana) They’re still doing some weird thing to his back.ACT I. (Barista) Café Mocha Latte with two-sevenths cups of cream? 27 . (Marcy) That’s “wild abandon” for you. She speaks to Danny as the Barista. (Marcy) I’m sorry. (Marcy) And how are you doing? I mean. (Marcy) Is Austin over there? (Diana) Visiting hours don’t start again for another hour. aside from being up for twenty-six straight hours? (Diana) Somewhere between horribly embarrassed and disturbingly humiliated. (Barista enters) I ordered you a drink. He’s just filling out some paper work for Jeff. I didn’t mean to wake you up. She wears a camera around her neck. He’ll be fine. (Marcy) Are you sleeping? (Diana) Not anymore. SCENE 6 — TRUE BREW COFFEE SHOP (Marcy orders a drink from the Barista. Diana is asleep at the table) (Marcy) Diana? Diana! (Diana) Hey.
When you saw him at the fruit stand. you are. . (Diana) Well. You could be his Ms. I feel like I’m stalking him. Hey. what did you do? (Marcy) I fell asleep in… (Diana) You fell asleep in the bushes.(Diana) (To Marcy) Thank you. who may willingly take him back. Wrong and then set him up to meet the woman of his dreams. the rock bottom principle. You know what? This is going to be awkward. 28 (Diana) And when we waited for him outside of work so that you could accidentally bump into him. you’re actually doing him a favor. (Diana) Marcy! We’ve been trying to set this up for two weeks now. what did you do? (Marcy) I chickened out. (Barista) Ah. But Marcy. I should go. what did you do? (Marcy) I chickened out. (Diana) And when we got up at five in the morning so that you could run past him when he came out to get the paper. Just send him on his way in six months. if you time it right. (Marcy) This just feels kinda creepy. and you have been for the past two weeks. (Barista) And the Barista’s special? (Marcy) Here. you could send him right back to his ex-girlfriend.
there he is. (Marcy reads what he is working on) . (Marcy) Maybe it was a euphemism. I’m just here to support Diana. I couldn’t resist. I’m outta here. (Marcy and Diana retreat to the counter. Austin goes to sit at the table) (Diana) I will say this for you. Remember. (Austin) Glad I could help. (Marcy) I’m just here to support Diana.(Diana) 29 Thank you. Jeff throwing out his back may be the best thing that ever happened to you. (Diana exits. I’m just here to…Shhh. (Marcy) I’m just here to support Diana! (Austin) What are you talking about? (Marcy) Jeff threw out his back trying to have sex with Diana. I… (Marcy) What are you doing? (Austin) I’m working. Just tell Austin you came here to give me support and this won’t seem forced at all. Oh…hey. find a way to hang on for six months and you’re golden. about the night at the bar. (Austin) He told me he tried to lift a forklift off an old lady. A modern day thinker. Marcy. (Austin) Listen. You sure can pick ’em. (Marcy) You had that look of consternation about you. Marcy approaches Austin unnoticed and takes a picture of him) (Austin) Don’t do that.
it’s not done. (Marcy) That doesn’t sound very personal.” That’s it? (Austin) It’s not done. (Marcy) Ex-girlfriend. There’s a big difference between a greeting card poem and a poem poem. I’m a professional poet. (Marcy) Austin. I think I can write a poem for my girlfriend. (Austin) It’s supposed to be universal.(Marcy) Nice penmanship. I come up with a metaphor first. please let me help you not to make an ass out of yourself. and then I figure it out later. (Austin) Thank you. A greeting card poem is polite and doesn’t take any chances. . There’s no heart or spontaneity. (Austin) Thank you. and a poem poem puts your soul on the line. (Marcy) A seagull? (Austin) Yeah. Please? 30 (Marcy) You can’t come up with the image first and then try and make it make sense. (Marcy) “Life is like a seagull. (Marcy) How is life like a seagull? (Austin) Not done. It’s a poem. (Austin) Marcy.
You’d have a panic attack. 31 . Oooo. Then there’s no surprises. I know how I like my coffee. I get things done. If someone else adds cream or sugar. Just a little dab of cream. (Marcy) Byuhhhh…this is how you always live. look at you and your thermos. It’s how you… Look. you don’t have control. (Austin) What? (Marcy) The one over there on the floor. I could sit here and list ‘em. But it works for me and my coffee. (Marcy) Of course. I just don’t like sweet things or milky things in my… COFFEE (Marcy) If I added cream to your coffee. what kind of coffee are you drinking? (Austin) Black. (She tries to add cream to his coffee) (Austin) No! (Marcy) That’s why you take your coffee black.(Austin) This is how I always work. (Austin) No. It’s how you deal with your ex-girlfriend. Did you bring it from home? You brought it from home! You had it when you walked in the door! (Austin) Big deal. Cause I’ve got a system. Just add a little cream. And maybe it’s not crazy fun. It’s how you write your poetry. ‘Cause I’ve got ways.
Marcy. I’m a little busy … (Marcy) Freeze. There’s a neat logic to it. you’re wrong. cont. that depends on when. So if you don’t mind. (Austin) What? 32 .) It moves me right along.(Austin. It’s up to the barista. (Austin) Don’t ever say barista again. (Takes another picture of him) (Austin) Agh! So how do you take your coffee? (Marcy) Well. You know why he never does? I never go to the same place twice. Doesn’t he find out your favorite? Doesn’t that hurt your device? (Marcy) No he never does. (Austin) What? (Marcy) Say cheese. If you think that it’s stupid. It’s just how I do it. (Austin) What? (Marcy) I ask the barista.
Life is like a pickle. You don’t have to deride it. the seagull thing…it’s a disaster. but you’re kinda freaking me out. not as boring as you. mark my words. So being crazy with coffee Is a useful skill to hone. (Austin) You wouldn’t be drinking al… (Marcy pours Austin’s hot coffee on his hand) Ow! That’s hot! (Marcy) And it hurt! You knew everything you could know about that cup of coffee. ’Cause I know how I like my coffee. someone came along.(Marcy) I never go to the same place twice. It starts off smooth with no imperfections. How are you? I’m fine. improv. So life’s never boring. but I wanted to say something. (Grabs his cell phone and begins to dial) 33 (Marcy) She’s going to think you’re insane. . I know things are tough. Surrounded by other pickles. (Marcy) Oh.” (Austin) Hi Catherine. But as it ages. Sound familiar? (Austin) I’m gonna get Catherine back. And it craves them. “Austin. and turned what was well planned out into something that hurt. And I’ve got ways to keep things new. and still. Look. Well. that’s nice. Perhaps if you tried it. I am always exploring. Listen. she’s gonna say. And besides. Well. You wouldn’t be drinking alone. It becomes something pregnant women crave. it’s not done! (Austin) I’ll improvise something.
(Marcy) I did tell you that. woah. You’re smart. I’m dumb. You’re right.(Austin.” (Marcy) I could have told you that. Right. I’m sorry I made fun of your coffee.” (Marcy) And…? (Austin) And… (Marcy and Austin) “You’re kind of freaking me out. Take care. Please be my cupid. Okay. (Austin) I know! 34 . (Marcy) And I could tell you what to do next…but I have to go. I’m wrong. (Austin) I know. that’s nice. woah. I’m hopeless. no. Mmmmhmmmmm.) I love you. I’m worthless. Bye. Talk to you again soon. I’m stupid. cont. (Austin) Woah. woah. woah. (Marcy) What did she say? (Austin) “Austin. (Austin) I know. I am scum! (Marcy) And also you’re covered with coffee.
(Austin) I cannot believe you. (Austin) I am going to write you a thank you card like you’ve never read. Thank you. It’s all okay. I’ll help you. thank you. (Marcy) I’ll call you tomorrow. thank you.(Marcy) Stop flipping out. I’m magic. This isn’t that tragic. (Marcy leaves Austin in the Coffee Shop as he begins to compose his thank you card) END OF SONG 35 . You just need to do what I say.
I’m just glad that old lady’s free from that forklift. improved. 36 (Marcy) No heartfelt poem ever began with “Life is like a. personal poem. take another painkiller. (Marcy) All right. Diana. (Austin) Jeff. and Jeff sit at the table) (Austin) Here’s to Jeff getting out of the hospital. (They all do shots) (Jeff) Man. we all know what happened. (Jeff) Diana! (Diana) Here. (Austin) Life is like a… (Marcy) Stop. straight-from-the-heart. (Jeff) Okay! (Austin) So I have a draft of my new. .” You can’t just write universal. Look—what’s the funniest thing that ever happened to you two? (Austin) With Catherine everything was funny. Austin. let’s hear it. (Austin) I didn’t even get to the beautiful metaphor yet.ACT I. tired clichés. SCENE 7A — O’DENNEHEY’S BAR (Marcy.
37 (Austin) No. Woo! (Marcy) Write about that. Violets are blue. “Roses are red. but the restaurant had us for seven fifteen. but they thought we were late.(Jeff) Oooh! Tell her about the dinner reservation. (Marcy and Austin exit) THE PERFECT ROMANCE—PART 1 (Danny as Waiter) She gives suggestions He’d rather skip. Remember when you cheated on me? Blow me. So we thought we were on time. Pac Man? (Jeff) Awesome! (Diana and Jeff exit) (Austin) So…life is like a dinner reservation. wanna show me how to get high score on Ms. (Marcy) You’re better off with the blow me poem. (Jeff) Hey! How about. we had a seven thirty dinner reservation.” (Diana) Hey. Okay. (Waiter) He didn’t tip. One time. . (Brigitte as Waitress) She left a fifty.
(Waiter and Waitress) The perfect romance. END OF SONG ACT I. what are those? They’ll quickly all go bad But sadly that’s how it goes. The perfect romance. Austin has just tasted a coffee to which Marcy added milk. (Waiter) She’ll try to teach him All that she knows. But don’t you see. (Waitress) I completely agree. The perfect romance. (Waitress) But she’s complex. A picture of Austin from the Coffee Shop is hanging nearby) . (Waiter) He like things simple.(Waiter and Waitress) His style’s truly tragic. (Waiter) They couldn’t be less suited for each other. That’s what makes them perfect For one another. SCENE 7b — TRUE BREW COFFEE SHOP 38 (Austin and Marcy are sitting at the table. (Waiter) Oh. (Waiter) He follows structure. (Waitress) Which she rejects. He’s really only with her Cause he wants back his ex. Hers is tragically hip. (Waitress) They’re good intentions.
another photographer saw it and asked me to join his “Young New York Artists Appreciating Other Artists” foundation. He said it was a modern day thinker. you noticed? I brought it in here. (Austin) Okay. (Austin) I’m proud of you. personal poem poem. (Austin) Ohh. and the owner said he wanted to hang it up. Right. Right. that’s really great. YNYAAOAF? (Austin) Wow. (Austin) Life is like a… . He admired the look of consternation. Just start with her name and then say what I would actually say. Ya know. So. Right.(Austin) 39 Thank you. Now let’s hear what you got. (Marcy) Thank you. straight from the heart. I’m proud of you. (Marcy) Right. your first New York exhibition. I have a draft of the new and improved. (Marcy) And as I was hanging it up. so I took your advice. (Austin) Howdy. Right. Marcy. May I say I’m proud of you? (Marcy) You may. (Marcy) Right. (Marcy) Hit it. and it does not begin with “Life is like a…” What are you looking at? Is that the picture from the day you threw coffee on me? (Marcy) Oh. (Austin) Catherine.
(Austin) No. no. Moviefone. no. (Marcy) Fate. and maybe it will give you some ideas of how to say something romantic without being all lame about it. . (Austin) Moviefone. (Austin) No. I’ll call Moviefone. no. (Marcy) Fate. no. (Marcy) Fate! (Austin) Okay.(Marcy) Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! (Austin) But I didn’t get to the beautiful metaphor yet. (Marcy) Let’s just figure it out when we get there. 40 (Marcy) You know what? They’re playing classic romantic films all night over at The Village East Theater. (Marcy) Let’s just let fate decide. fate… Psyche! Moviefone! (Austin and Marcy start to exit) THE PERFECT ROMANCE: PART 2 (Danny as Barista) He likes things structured. (Austin) Great. (Austin) Moviefone. I’ll call Moviefone and figure out which one we can catch. Let’s go there.
(Barista) His is from home. (Austin) Well? (Marcy) Perfect. so now what? 41 .(Brigitte as Baristress) She likes to roam. (Barista) Gasp! (Barista and Baristress) The perfect romance. Marcy reads the letter Austin has written) (Marcy) Love. Austin paces. (Austin) A poem poem? (Marcy) A poem poem. END OF SONG ACT I. It looks like draft number fourteen was the charm. SCENE 7C — AUSTIN AND JEFF’S APARTMENT (Marcy sits on the couch. (Marcy) Fate! (Baristress) She tries new coffee. Austin. (Austin) Okay. (Baristress) He’s never even heard of double skim with no foam. (Austin) Really? (Marcy) Yeah…this actually has something to do with the person you wrote it about.
(Marcy) Yeah. I just want to say thank you. (Marcy) You always wait six months before you send out the “rekindle poem. you broke up two months ago. (Marcy) Of course. (Austin) What? (Marcy) Well. didn’t you? (Austin) And three days. And instead of sending Catherine this poem. (Austin slides the poem into the envelope) (Austin) Now what? (Marcy) Now wait four months. (Austin) I already did. (Austin) Listen. (Marcy) No.” (Austin) That sounds an awful lot like a plan. You two need anything? . It’s very different than a plan.(Marcy) Address an envelope. no! It’s a rule. (Austin) Really. I would’ve turned to Jeff. I would have used one of his good ideas. I’m running downstairs to let Diana in. Had it not been for you. (Jeff enters from the other room) 42 (Jeff) Hey! Sending Catherine porn was a good idea.
(Austin) Right. no. Bennet. I’m just glad I could help someone as pathetic and hopeless and helpless as you. (Marcy) I mean. (Jeff grabs the bills—and the envelope with the poem— off the table and runs downstairs) I just…I want you to know how much I appreciate it. (Marcy) Oh. (A very angry landlord bounds in followed by Jeff and Diana) (Danny as Landlord) Mr.(Austin) 43 No. we can still see each other but… (Austin) This will give you more time to focus on your YNYAAOAF. (Austin) Why? (Marcy) I felt it was in violation of my anti-establishment. You know all that you need to know. your rent is three weeks late! Again! You’ll have to excuse me if I don’t believe you that you just dropped it in the mailbox. no. but daisies are my flower. That’s not necessary. (Marcy) Oh. thanks. (Austin) Jeff! . I guess this is it. (Austin) Yeah. (Austin) And I’m glad I could actually put up with your absolute nonsense approach to life long enough to get some good information out of you. I feel like I should have gotten you flowers or something. (Marcy) Well. I guess so. deconstructionist philosophy toward life. Bennet! Mr. I dropped out of that club. no.
woah. (Landlord) It doesn’t. (Austin) You did what? (Landlord) He sent the bills on the table! (Marcy) Jeff. (Jeff) I swear to you. I just…AHH! I just sent some sort of horrible thing to Catherine! (Austin) You sent the poem! (Marcy) He sent the poem! (Jeff) I sent the poem! (Austin) You sent the poem! 44 . was there a letter addressed to Catherine on the table? (Jeff) I don’t know. woah. (Diana) I saw him do it if that helps at all. you did what? (Jeff) I sent the bills on the table (Austin) Y-y-you did what? (Jeff) I sent the bills on the table.(Jeff) But I actually did this time. I took everything off that table and put it in the mailbox across the street. (Austin) Woah.
The perfect romance. (Neighbor) You totally should have waited six months. (Neighbor) The next day they care. (Neighbor and Landlord) We know it isn’t easy ‘Cause we both have been there. (Landlord) One day they’re fed up. The perfect romance. (Austin) I know! THE PERFECT ROMANCE: PART 3 (Landlord) Get him a whiskey. (Neighbor and Landlord) If this goes wrong It’s clear that it’s completely her fault.(Brigitte as Neighbor enters) (Neighbor) Excuse me. The perfect pair. The perfect romance. The perfect romance. (Neighbor) His wounds were bleeding. END OF SONG 45 . could you please stop screaming? Some people are trying to sleep here! (Austin) Stop screaming?! You’re sleeping?! Do you know what I just did?! I followed idiot advice and sent a rekindle poem after only two months. This just adds salt. Quick! Double malt.
but it’s kinda important. I know! (Marcy knocks on the door) Come in. I sent a rekindle poem after only two months and…I totally should have waited six months. Let me just go change ties. (Marcy) Well. (Austin exits. (Marcy) Hey. (Austin) Hey.ACT I. I really… (Jeff) Come on. No mail yet today. You want to go grab a drink or something? (Austin) Sure. Come on. S. I understand you’re busy. Jeff and Diana enter) (Jeff) Marcy! Diana. SCENE 8 — AUSTIN AND JEFF’S APARTMENT (Austin paces while on his cell phone) 46 (Austin) U. Austin. (Diana) No. I didn’t know if you found that letter I called about yesterday. Postal Service? Hi. Give it time. You see. (Marcy) Any word? (Austin) No. Come on. it’s only been a week. (Diana pulls out an abacus) (Marcy) What is it? . show her what I got you. This is Austin Bennet calling again.
(Diana) It’s not a big deal. and it’s not a big deal really? (Diana) I’ve taken you to meet my work friends. (Takes mail out of her bag) Heeeey. look. Check out the label on the side. my work friends are waiting. (Jeff) I’m gonna toss it in my room. . 47 (Jeff) Abacus! You know. My Little Pony! (Marcy) My Little Pony made an abacus? (Jeff) I know! Can you believe someone was throwing this away? (Marcy) No. (Marcy) You’re taking him to meet your work friends. actuary. Really. math. abacus! And check it out. (Jeff exits to his room) (Marcy) You’re taking him to meet your work friends? This is getting serious. (Diana hands Marcy the mail) (Marcy) You went through their mail. and you can teach me how to use it when we get home. (Diana) Hurry up. (Marcy) You don’t see the difference? (Diana) No. Marcy.(Jeff) An albatross! (Diana) Abacus.
this’ll crush him. (Jeff rushes in from his room) (Jeff) Ooo. (Marcy) Diana. (Marcy) She wrote it on a postcard? (Diana) Not too subtle. and then break it to him gently. and I never deserved you. Let’s hide it. S. (Marcy) They serve all the free wine you can drink. that girl. (Marcy) How? 48 (Diana) Take him out. free wine! Can we come? .(Diana) Jeff threw it in my bag along with the albatross. Look. (Austin enters with a new tie on) (Austin) So you want to hit up O’Dennehey’s or what? (Marcy) You know what? I’m taking you out tonight to dinner and drinks. “P. (Marcy) Let’s add. Get him in as good a mood as possible. you have to tell him. (Austin) You can’t afford to take me out for dinner and drinks. You’re a really nice guy. (Diana) You can’t hide it. it’s from Catherine. Hide all the sharp objects. drinks.” (Diana) Marcy. drinks. There’s a little Chinese restaurant up the street that you would love.
Diana. I’m happy as a lamb. as long as there’s free wine. Jeff. (Jeff) Clam! (Austin.(Diana) We have plans. (Jeff) Can we bring your friends over to the free wine? (Diana) Let’s leave Austin and Marcy alone. (Jeff) Can we go afterwards to the free wine? (Diana) We’re going to be out late with my friends. (Jeff) Okay. (Diana) Clam. and Marcy exit) 49 . Let’s go. (Jeff) But can we…I…but free wine! (Diana) We’ll stop by a wine tasting on the way.
(Marcy) You want some more wine? (Austin) No. It’s fresh from the box. I have something that I need to tell you. (Marcy pours a very generous glass of wine for Austin. (Austin) I already had a few glasses. (Marcy) Come on. It would be impractical not to drink as much as possible. (Danny as Waiter enters with Austin and Marcy’s meals) (Marcy) Today.ACT I. (Marcy) It’s free. He takes a drink) (Marcy) Austin. (Austin) You make a point. when Diana came upstairs… . SCENE 9 — GREAT WALL CHINESE RESTAURANT 50 (Marcy and Austin sit at a table in the Great Wall Chinese Restaurant. I’m fine. Pour me a glass. (Austin) This wine’s not too bad. thanks. Two boxes of wine sit on the table) (Austin) I love egg rolls.
See. Here. Excuse me. Austin. but he received the beef and snow peas. (Waiter gives the beef and vegetable to Austin and exits) Thank you. waiter! (Waiter enters) (Austin) Marcy. (Marcy) Is that even a dish? Get a new one. my friend here ordered the beef and broccoli. when Diana and I were in your living room… (Austin) This isn’t beef and broccoli. This is beef and snow peas.(Waiter) Szechwan tofu? (Austin) That’s her. 51 (Marcy) No. (Waiter) I see. I’ll eat it. Anyway. (Marcy) Thank you. there is no need… (Waiter) Yes? (Marcy) Sir. let’s worry about it. like this. (Marcy) Can you bring us a new one? . (Waiter gives the Szechwan tofu to Marcy) (Waiter) And beef and vegetable? (Austin) Right here. You let people run over you because you don’t want to seem impolite or take a chance. (Austin) Don’t worry about it. this is your problem.
I already put my fork in it. he already put his fork in it.” (Marcy) He has a speech impediment where everything he says sounds like a question. (Waiter) Well. he was saying it inquisitively. There’s no band-aid. “I swallowed a band-aid? I don’t remember that. (Waiter) What? (Austin) I do? 52 . Don’t worry about it. please calm down. (Austin) Yeah. Like. (Waiter) Ma’am.(Austin) That’s not necessary. Sorry. (Austin) I swallowed a band-aid? (Marcy) See. he swallowed it. ma’am. (Marcy) That’s because he already swallowed it! Tell him you swallowed it. (Marcy) And there’s also a band-aid in it! (Austin and Waiter) What? (Marcy) There is a band-aid in this beef and snow peas that he didn’t order! (Waiter) Ma’am. (Marcy) What? (Waiter) Restaurant policy.
and I know it wasn’t for me but… (Waiter enters with a new beef and broccoli as well as the check) (Waiter) Here’s your beef and broccoli and your check. I’m not lying. Band-aid free if you don’t mind. (Waiter) Yeah. and she had something in her hand… (Austin) ’Cause I’ve carried wet cardboard before. if you would get my friend here the beef and broccoli. What is wrong with you? (Manager and Waiter exit) (Marcy) See. and the bottom just falls right out. (Austin) Sir. and get back to work. (Austin) Please don’t spit in it. Give them what they ordered. (Marcy) And she gave it to me. (Manager) I apologize. this afternoon. like that. Have some more wine. (Marcy pours Austin another generous glass of wine) So anyway. I just want to take this time to tell you how much we appreciate you and how happy we are that you were our waiter.(Marcy) 53 See! Now please. It was all very upsetting. (Brigitte as Manager enters) (Manager) What is going on over here? (Marcy) We got the wrong order. (Marcy) Relax. and then the waiter made fun of my friend’s speech impediment. . while you were changing ties… (Austin) Do you think they age boxed wine in cardboard casks? (Marcy) Diana came up. It’s true.
but I’ve always been taught that you stand up when a woman is getting screwed. please. this is really important. Being polite and letting people push me around is one thing. (Austin) Hey. he charged you twice. (Austin) You think this is funny? (Waiter) No. I would just write a very strongly worded letter. Waiter! (Waiter enters) (Marcy) Austin. Marcy. (Austin) Usually. sir. I have to tell you this.(Austin) He doesn’t seem like he wants us to stay. (Marcy) This is really important. He charged you for the beef and broccoli and the beef and snow peas. (Austin) There is a band-aid in my bill! (Waiter) Your speech impediment is cured. no. (Austin) No. (Marcy) Austin. 54 (Austin) No. (Waiter) Yes. I’m taking you out tonight. . let’s worry about it. (Marcy) Don’t worry about it. Call me old-fashioned. I’ll take care of it. but…watch this.
(Austin) Isn’t that convenient? Well. (Grabbing the wine off the table) Go! Go! Go! (Austin and Marcy run for the door.(Austin) 55 What kind of a Chinese restaurant is this? You serve me the wrong thing! I swallow a band-aid! You try to take advantage of my very generous friend here! And you! You aren’t even Chinese! (Waiter) Sir. cheap ass. chased by the Waiter. boxed wine! And I mean all of that. I am going to have to ask you to leave. and I certainly don’t need your stupid. rotgut. (Austin) Why don’t you leave? (Waiter) Because I work here. . or your delicious egg rolls. I don’t need you. or your beef and broccoli slash snow peas. Except the part about the wine.
really. Because of you. wow. I did all sorts of things I wouldn’t usually do. Because of you. (Marcy) You just brought that restaurant To its knees. I let myself feel feelings I don’t usually allow. It felt exciting. When you got screwed I didn’t take it sitting down. It felt scary. Because of you. None of my vocabulary Can do justice to the way I feel right now. 56 . Now the whole world Knows that waiter’s not Chinese. I didn’t have to pay them For my Szechwan tofu. And it’s all because of you. SCENE 10A — MARCY AND DIANA’S APARTMENT (Marcy and Austin fall in through the door laughing and giddy) BECAUSE OF YOU (Austin) That was Truly. Because of you. And it’s all because of you. Did you see the look on that guy’s face when I took the carafe with us? (Marcy) That’s not your wine! I’m an angry waiter! Mleh! (Austin) I took off and sprinted Straight through town.ACT I.
Tonight I felt free. (Marcy) Because of you We just stole some free boxed wine. (Marcy) You stood up for me When it wasn’t polite. (Austin) Because of you I acted bravely (Marcy) And a little infantile. (Austin) I can’t believe that I got In a drunken fight. Tonight. just for a moment I forgot that I was hurting.(Austin) Because of you. I had a good time And that’s a little disconcerting. I acted out of line. 57 . (Marcy) You know. I sorta felt that too. (Marcy) It’s all because… END OF SONG (Marcy) Austin! (Austin) What? I was just…Sorry. (Austin) And it’s all because. (Austin) Tonight. (Austin and Marcy) Because of you I feel a way That I have not felt in a while.
but I wanted to give it to you at the right time. I have something I need to give you. How long have you had this? (Marcy) I wanted to give it to you. out loud) 58 (Austin) “Austin. and now he’s crushed. thing-a-ding theory. (Austin) Oh. (Marcy) Austin. . and Jeff sending that poem was fate. (Austin) I’ve seen death threats more sensitive than this. (Austin) Am I? I followed your exact advice! I even wrote a…poem poem. too. (Marcy pulls out the postcard and hands it to Austin. which doesn’t fit into your whole antiestablishment. You did this on purpose. (Marcy) Austin. Perhaps you should. you need to calm down for a second. You wanted to wait until you could really “feel” like you should give it to me. (Austin reads the postcard again. (Marcy) Maybe this is for the best. Austin is obviously crushed) Maybe she just needs more time to figure things out. (Marcy) What? (Austin) Here’s this guy with his whole life planned out. I see. and now everything’s ruined.” What’s she gonna figure out? How to be more devastatingly concise? (Marcy) It is a bit harsh. I’ve moved on. You don’t want to give it to me when it was expected.(Marcy) No. Catherine. you’re being ridiculous. (Austin) You’re loving this.
We just say good night. and of course it’s my fault. Okay. liberal. Diana and Jeff enter) ACT I. artsy. That always makes you smile. Friendship’s where this ends. ’Cause we’re just friends. floozy. (Diana) A friend does to you What you do unto them. pencil-pushing. (Austin) What’s around me? You? You’re a flighty. If that’s all right with you. But it gets dirty once in a while. SCENE 10B — NEW YORK CITY WE’RE JUST FRIENDS (Diana) We go out in the evening. (Marcy) Well. You are so busy chasing a dream of a person that doesn’t even exist that you don’t see what’s going on around you. fly by the seat of your pants.(Austin) 59 Maybe. tofu loving. you tight-assed. pathetic Republican! (Austin and Marcy embrace and begin passionately making out. The way two good friends do. flakey. We catch a movie. pussywhipped. (Jeff) It makes you feel all fuzzy inside. (Diana) Friends are like an old shirt. you can’t move on in your life. (Jeff) Who also make out. that’s better than what’s around me. Or maybe fate was too busy to intervene ’cause she was picking out a movie for you to see! (Marcy) So now it’s my fault. Like Jesus recommends. dinner. And that’s all right. We hang out with our buddies. okay. stuffed-shirt. too. .
(Diana) We each do our own thing. (Jeff) Thank you! People say this way doesn’t work. Our things will intertwine. (Diana) I’ll tell you if you’re too fast or too slow. (Diana) Sure! (Jeff) We’ll be honest when we’re in the bedroom. (Jeff) Who use chocolate syrup on each other in ways we never thought of before. (Jeff) If I suck. (Jeff) But every couple of evenings. (Jeff) No! (Diana and Jeff) Friendship’s where this ends ’Cause we’re just friends. (Jeff) A little caress (Diana) Or cunnilingus doesn’t cross the line. I wanna know! 60 . So that’s why we’re just friends… With benefits. and that’s fine. (Jeff and Diana) But I know that’s not so.(Jeff and Diana) And we want to be good boys and girls. I guess. (Diana) When you’re friends. ’Cause we’re not dating.
I won’t get emotionally involved. ’Cause this all makes perfect sense. And that’s why we’re just friends. Just friends. In fact. (Jeff) I won’t take you for granted. And that’s why we’re just friends… With benefits. la. mmm. la. We won’t let this get weird (Jeff) I’ll stand hard. SCENE 10C — MARCY AND DIANA’S APARTMENT (Diana and Jeff exit. la. mmm. (Diana and Jeff) I have lots of friendships. Just friends. mmm. mmm. (Diana) I’ll stay resolved. la. Marcy and Austin enter) (Austin) So I’ll call you tomorrow? 61 . Just… (Diana and Jeff kiss) Friends! END OF SONG ACT I. (Diana). Mmm.(Diana and Jeff) We will keep this our little secret. mmm. it’d be stranger if we abstained. la. but this one transcends All the ones in which I don’t get laid. mmm And that’s why we’re just friends… (Diana) Who see each other naked! (Diana and Jeff) La. la. Why explain what can’t be explained? We don’t need a defense.
(Marcy) Okay. (Austin) Okay. (Marcy) Me. I got him in a great mood. . (Marcy) Till tomorrow.(Marcy) Yeah. It wasn’t good. (Diana) Are you okay? (Marcy) No. (Diana) What happened? 62 (Marcy) I don’t know. We got in a huge fight. (Diana) Did you… (Marcy) Yes. too. (Austin) Look. Broke the news to him. (Austin exits) (Diana) Did I just see Austin… (Marcy) Yes. and the next thing you know…blchahhh. (Austin and Marcy share an awkward goodbye kiss) (Austin) Okay. Till tomorrow. I had a really good time last night. we’ll hang out soon.
You weren’t looking for Mr. Look deep down and without any rules and regulations to guide you. I’m sure he’s great. He wasn’t even making a whole lot of sense. this whole thing with Austin is going to blow up in your face. (Diana) Best friend. I think I really like him. Woah. stupid guest. look into your gut. if only you could have seen him last night. which is stupid. And after Larry. If you really like him. if you do this now. you were looking to get over Larry. (Marcy) No? (Diana) No! 63 (Marcy) But Diana. and meanwhile. go ahead. (Diana) The dam has broken. you still need to wait four more months. Diana. and you can’t do that by jumping into another relationship two months after you break up with him. be my stupid. Here I am chastising him for living his life by a plan.(Diana) You puked on him? (Marcy) No. we did it. I’m following all these rules and numbers. If you want to forget about the rules. These rules exist for a reason. (Marcy) The worst of it is. Are you really ready to date again? (Marcy) No. If you want to ignore the numbers. (Diana) Not good. He wasn’t suave. Isn’t that just as bad? (Diana) Marcy. He wasn’t graceful. They don’t just come out of nowhere. You’re good. Right. But he stood up for me. Trust me. but that isn’t the point. Diana. I…I don’t know. this is the first time I’ve ever felt like someone wanted to protect me. (Diana) Marcy. even though they’re right. . (Marcy) Come on.
but… (Marcy) No! You like him with a capital “L…la-la-la-la-la-la-la…” (Diana) Yeah.(Marcy) I’m probably making a big deal out of nothing. (Diana becomes quickly defensive) (Diana) Hey. (Marcy thinks for a moment and then changes the subject) (Marcy) So how are things with you and Jeff? (Diana) No. wild abandon! What happened to finding somebody you wouldn’t want to get involved with? (Diana) We’re not involved! (Marcy) And now you’re falling for someone as simple as Jeff. don’t you change the subject. he’s a nice guy. (Diana) Yeah. (Diana sits on the couch with Marcy) 64 . (Diana) I’m sure. he’s not simple. This is about you and Austin. no. (Marcy) You like him. no. like I said. (Marcy) I’m sorry. he’s a nice guy. but… (Marcy) Oooooooh. I’m sure he feels exactly the same way I do.
(Marcy) I’ll get the popcorn and wine. and I’m falling for someone I shouldn’t fall for. Out of the trash. Meet back here in ten. 65 . (Diana) So you slept with someone you shouldn’t have slept with.(Diana) Marcy. (Marcy) Right. (Diana) I’ll get the Ben and Jerry’s Chubby Hubby. he got me a My Little Pony abacus.
(Jeff) Who? (Austin) Marcy. SCENE 11 — AUSTIN AND JEFF’S APARTMENT (Jeff is standing in his boxers Febreezing his pants on the couch) (Jeff) I am king of Febreeze Land. (Jeff) Yeah? Where’d you sleep last night? (Austin) Marcy’s. (Jeff) Awesome! (Austin) You think so? 66 (Jeff) Hell yes! For the past two months. . and now finally it seems you’ve moved on. (Austin) I think I love her. (Jeff) D’you do her? (Austin) Yeah.ACT I. No pair of pants is a match for my awesome power! And where have you been? (Austin) Just walking around. you’ve been walking around here bitching and moaning about Catherine.
Like a crossword. Or each other. (Jeff exits to the kitchen) (Austin) I don’t love her. It’s called relationship displacement. (Jeff) I made that up. I feel everything I felt when I was with Catherine! (Jeff) No. I don’t love her. I thought it would get you to move on. who really like one another. 67 (Jeff) Austin. (Jeff) Are you hungry? (Austin) No. I love Marcy. but maybe she’s just messing with you. and it’s very dangerous. I have been here before. Now. and it’s never good. I don’t love her.(Jeff) Heh? Can’t you just screw the woman? (Austin) Jeff. RD. I don’t love her… MAYBE WE JUST MADE LOVE (Austin) I can’t let my romantic side get the better of me. I’m good. I know that you think that Marcy is the answer to everything that went wrong with Catherine. but you barely know her. practice saying to yourself you don’t love her. . You are putting five years of Catherine feelings onto Marcy. I love you. I just don’t want to see you get hurt again. I am your big brother. After what happened with Catherine. (Austin) Obviously I have moved on. We just happened to end up doing what two really good friends do. Maybe she’s great. (Jeff) I’ll be in the kitchen. There’s no way to know. We’re just friends. (Austin) Put on your pants. Or a puzzle. (Austin) You’re the one who introduced me to Marcy as part of some idiotic plan that failed miserably.
Or maybe it’s a puppet show. After Catherine I never thought I could feel this way again. And of those there can be only one. This doesn’t mean. But maybe with Marcy. But maybe. This will never work out. But then what do I make of Catherine Who forgets what we had back then? I was her one and only. Maybe I’m stupid To hold on now to this ideal. It’s done. Maybe we just made love. But what do I know? Who knows? It might. It’s over. There’s no way I could’ve recovered so fast. How can a feeling this strong be wrong? It can’t. That can’t be right. She must just be a rebound. it’s ended. cont. And I’m imagining all these things. and he’s right. But now. Maybe we just made love. She was my one and only. maybe. maybe. I’ve found something real. maybe. It couldn’t mean. And maybe I’m crazy To feel the things that I now feel. Maybe I’m foolish and Deserve the pain that all this brings. 68 .) Things aren’t any different now Than they ever were before. Emotion this pure must be right. Anything more. And I’m failing to see all the strings. And maybe. Even Jeff said so. maybe. And maybe she’s using me. I’m just setting myself up yet again.(Austin. For a flawed romance that’ll never last.
Maybe I’m wrong. maybe. maybe. I need her. But maybe. Yes. maybe. END OF SONG 69 . and we just made a huge mistake. maybe. We just made love. maybe.(Austin. cont. That maybe. I’ve never been more certain That maybe. I’m definitely positive. and I’m gonna tell her so tonight. We just made love. Maybe we just made love. Maybe I’m risking my whole life And can’t see what’s at stake Or maybe I’m reckless And we’re running right toward more heartache. maybe.) How can ignoring my gut be the best thing to do? It can’t. We just made love.
you were nothing at all like anyone I would even remotely want to spend even a little bit of time with. He has a basket. sit down. At first. Which is great. I just said amazing twice. and everything else. please? You said a lot there. or the past two months for that matter. Euphoric! Awesome! Boo yah! (Marcy) What is wrong with you? 70 (Austin) Come here. I love you. I don’t usually like to lose control. I lost control. Give me a second. (Austin) Marcy. and somewhere during the poem lessons. And Marcy to be perfectly honest with you…I…I…got you daisies. Marcy enters) (Marcy) Austin. Hold it. (They sit on the blanket) Marcy. And I’m just not there. (Austin) But Marcy. but I did.ACT I. (Marcy) Are you okay? (Austin) Never better. Freeze. But for me it has been amazing. but I’m sure Now’s not the time for Romantic notions. Marcy. something happened. I need to think. you don’t understand. But then as you’ve been helping me win back Catherine. and the arguing. SCENE 16 — A PARK (Austin sets up a picnic blanket. last night was absolutely amazing. (He pulls them out of the picnic basket) JUST NOT NOW (Marcy) Stop there Austin. Would you. and I didn’t even realize it until last night. And last night…ugh…amazing. come here. . Your honesty is real and it appeals to my emotions. and I don’t know how you felt about it.
71 . say something. (Austin) Not now. And not ever again. But just not now. How can I make you see Though this feels right to me Now’s not the time to be Quite where you are? You’re here too soon And though I know it sounds unfair. We’ll wait it out. I’ll meet you there. Please give me time to learn. A picket fence cliché. and I don’t know What true love’s all about. I know you do. You know. I swear. And though it’s hard. If you would wait for me. I need some time to heal. but not today. Let’s take this time. And though your love seems real. (Marcy) Where are you going? (Austin) Home. I love you. END OF SONG (Austin begins to pack up) (Marcy) Austin. I want so much to say. you must Control your heart and trust. I want to be with you Just not now. Or else we’ll crash and burn. I’m lost.(Marcy) I want true love some day.” I will. But just not now. I’m not prepared to feel The way you do. too. “Okay.
confused) (Austin) Catherine? END OF ACT I 72 . He walks to his door and light pours out. Austin looks in.(Austin reluctantly walks toward home.
He could have chosen baseball.ACT II ACT II. You were in my bar a few months ago. 73 . you are! Hey. I’ll wait for you out here. “I bet you Those two they won’t make it too far. Remember that night when I met you When you both hung out here in the bar. croquet. (Marcy) You remember that? (Cocktail Waitress) The people of New York pretend to ignore each other. I said to my friend there.” He could have discussed any topic. That makes it so I can’t stop thinking about him? (Brigitte as Cocktail Waitress comes out of her bar and yells back inside) (Cocktail Waitress) No. And I’m forced to be without him. (Cocktail Waitress almost steps on Marcy) I’m sorry. You’d be surprised how much we see. (Cocktail Waitress) Oh yeah sure. football. You don’t need him anyway. You okay? (Marcy) I’ve been better. SCENE 1 — OUTSIDE OF O’DENNEHEY’S (Marcy walks alone on a New York City street) ALONE (Marcy) Just not now? Then when? When will I get to see him again? Is it just that he’s gone. So why’d he have to choose her? What a lame pathetic loser.
“I’ll stay in and give Nietzsche a stab. Means that your life plans Aren’t always set in stone.” (Marcy) He would say. that’s stupid. You are better off. You’re better off alone. Trust me it’s true. Trust me. Alone. Then again I could just go out drinking ’Til I puke in the back of a cab. Go ahead and do the latter. you are! You ready to go? (Cocktail Waitress) This is my friend… (Marcy) Marcy. 74 .” You are better than that. Now his opinion doesn’t matter. Right? (Marcy) Sure…Yeah.) Alone. You don’t need him there To always care About every little thing that you do. “Marcy. cont. (Bartender) Oh.” (Bartender) But hey. welcome back. (Cocktail Waitress) Marcy is rediscovering single-hood.(Cocktail Waitress. (Danny as Bartender exits from the bar and approaches Cocktail Waitress) (Bartender) No. You don’t need him anyway. Maybe one night you were thinking.
stupid Old Spice. (Bartender and Cocktail Waitress) Alone. I won’t stay where I don’t want to stay. Means you never swoon At the smell of his cologne. (Bartender and Cocktail Waitress) You’re better off alone. (Cocktail Waitress) Right? (Marcy) Yeah.” I’ll go wherever I want to. (Marcy) Not up each night In a stupid fight. We’re basically therapists who encourage you to drink. (Bartender) We work at a bar. (Cocktail Waitress) We should get going. Good night. (Bartender and Cocktail Waitress head home) (Marcy) One day I might land a meeting With a man who takes photos in France. I don’t need someone begging and pleading. (Marcy) Thanks for the advice. When the two of us should both be in bed. “Honey stay and give our love a chance. 75 . (Marcy) ’Cause that’s just stupid. I’ll leave tomorrow or whenever And I might just stay forever.(Bartender and Cocktail Waitress) Alone. You do what you want Never what he wants instead.
Not have to check with him. cont.(Marcy. Alone. They exit together) I need him anyway. I can act on a whim.) I don’t need him anyway. Means you’re never hurt. The Man sticks out his hand and feels the first drops of rain. Means I’ll never be So blinded by romance. (A couple walks onstage. Like. END OF SONG 76 . He extends his umbrella and puts it over his girlfriend. I think it’s clear to see I’m better off alone. That is what this night has shown. Alone. six or seven months in advance. Feeling hurt with him Is better Than feeling free Alone. More than any man I’ve ever known.
(Austin) Come on. (Takeout Guy and Austin exit to the kitchen) (Jeff) All right. you’ve been doing this all night. Give yourself a rest. . give me another one. (Takeout Guy) Oh man. you had sex with her once and then you told her you loved her. (Diana) Jeff. (Takeout Guy) Of course you do. (Austin) I have exact change in the kitchen. Yeah. just a little lower. Diana is rubbing BenGay on Jeff’s back. right there. (Austin) She’s not my girlfriend. Takeout Guy enters) (Danny as Takeout Guy) You! You and your girlfriend stole my wine. didn’t you? (Austin) How much are the egg rolls? (Takeout Guy) Six forty-two. (There is a knock on the door) Oooo…Eeee…Yeeeaaah… (Austin) Come in! (Austin runs from his room. Jeff is playing with the abacus) (Jeff) Ah.ACT II. SCENE 2A — AUSTIN AND JEFF’S APARTMENT 77 (Diana and Jeff sit in Austin and Jeff’s Apartment.
Jeff? (Jeff) Yeah? (Diana) Jeff. I…well. (Jeff) Yeah. (Diana) Getting faster. no. I want to. 78 . (Diana) Okay. (Diana) I think that we should be exclusive. (Jeff calculates on the abacus) (Jeff) Eighty-eight.(Jeff) No. (Diana) Spit it out. (Diana) Jeff. (Diana) Awesome. okay. (Jeff) Awesome. (Diana) I might even go so far as to say you’re awesome. (Jeff) I have a good teacher. (Jeff) Spit it out. no. Twenty-two times four. stick it out. it’s just that…I mean… (Jeff) C’mon.
(Jeff) Why’d you have to go and do that? (Diana) Do what? (Jeff) Talk about it. We’ll be as sweet as two Cherry Cokes. (Diana) Well. You’ll laugh at my jokes. (Diana) Sounds wonderful. And that’s. 79 . that’s what’s gonna happen. You and I Will be high Upon the fumes of lu-uu-uve. I’m serious. (Diana) But don’t you think that we… (Jeff) Don’t talk about it. (Diana) But what about… (Jeff) For the love of God.(Jeff) Put it back in! Put it back in! (Diana) Jeff. The two of us will start off caring All about this life we’re sharing. I think it’s important that we… (Jeff) Don’t talk about it. don’t talk about it! (Diana) I want to talk about it! THAT'S WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN (Jeff) Look.
” (Diana) Now how do you know? (Jeff) So then I’m caught in this quandary. (Diana) I don’t care about stuff like that. that’s what’s gonna happen. Inside I’ll blow like a bomb. outside I’ll stay calm. So I can save for a three carat ring. (Jeff) And I’ll be sure That’s what I’m for. And that’s. that’s what’s gonna happen. But outside. ’Cause I touch your dirty laundry. But that stuff Is not enough For you to know I ca-a-are. “Do you still love me? ’Cause sometimes I can’t quite tell.(Jeff) Then I’ll take you out to dinner. you’ll ask. All the while my wallet’s thinner. maybe if you opened up more… (Austin and Takeout Guy) But then one fateful day (Jeff) Hey guys! (Austin and Takeout Guy) He’ll try to walk away. ‘Cause you bring me a joy you can’t buy or sell. (Jeff) That’s right! 80 . But one night. (Austin and Takeout Guy enter from kitchen) (Diana) Well. “Where the hell Did all my money go-oh-oh? But I’ll put off everything. And that’s. And I’ll yell.
(Austin) Boo! (Takeout Guy) Hoo! (Jeff) But then you’ll cry every day. (Jeff) Then you’ll look at me and burst into tears. (Jeff) “It’s me. 81 . (Austin) Second thoughts (Takeout Guy) And fears. To your… (Jeff. (Austin and Takeout Guy) And he’ll claim. ’Cause no guy Wants to make a girl cry. Austin. I’ll pretend it ’Tsa a phase. And then I’ll freak out And end it. (Austin) Ooo.(Austin and Takeout Guy) Despite… (Jeff) My misgivings. and Takeout Guy) Surprise! (Jeff) I’ll stop and listen. not you.” (Takeout Guy) Though we all know that that’s not true.
(Takeout Guy) It’ll screw everything up! (Jeff) Now I’m broke and feel betrayed. bring us home! (Jeff) I know our relationship’s elusive. Austin. That’s what’s gonna happen. (Jeff) That sucks. (Austin and Takeout Guy) And he’s not even getting laid. yeah! END OF SONG 82 . I must be gay To walk away From a perfect girl like you. But I just did what all men do. (Jeff. (Austin) Come on Jeff.(Austin and Takeout Guy) Aww! (Jeff) Sadly that is how this all ends. Gonna happen. (Austin and Takeout Guy) That’s true. (Jeff) And that’s. Now your friends all hate me too. (Austin and Takeout Guy) Oh! (Jeff) You will go and tell all your friends. that’s what’s gonna happen. and Takeout Guy) And that’s. But it is better than being exclusive. that’s what’s gonna happen. And that’s.
(Jeff) Ooooooh! (Austin) She told me she wasn’t ready for that. (Jeff) What do you mean? (Austin) The fight? (Jeff) Don’t talk about it.(Diana) You’re pathetic. could you rub this on my back? (Takeout Guy) Woah. woah. 83 . (Jeff) What? (Austin) I told Marcy I love her. I wanted to tell you something earlier. Listen. (Takeout Guy exits) (Jeff) That Chinese food guy freaks me out. woah. we’re brothers. (Takeout Guy) I’m outta here. Captain Egg Roll. (Jeff) I was just trying to be honest. (Austin slowly approaches Jeff) (Austin) Well. but Diana was here. (Diana exits) I knew you didn’t want to talk about it. (Austin) (To Takeout Guy) No. that could have gone better. (Austin) Jeff.
big boy! Come here! (Jeff jumps on the couch and tries to kiss Austin) ACT II. Look for apartments upstate. and you sent her off into the night. don’t you just see how that proves her complete and utter jack monkeyness? How can you trust anyone who places ridiculous demands on you? (Austin) You just asked me to rub Ben Gay on your back. (Jeff) Man. Back on track. this has been fun. overcome with her love toward me. she woke up in the middle of the night. if that’s all it takes to get you to change your mind. (Marcy) I came to apologize. (Austin) She didn’t let me answer. . she was sure we weren’t supposed to be together. 84 (Austin) I came back here. (Jeff) Well. then I’ll kiss you. She just kissed me and told me to think about it. she knew that we weren’t supposed to be together.(Jeff) Aaaaaaah. unsure of what to say) (Austin) Well. she just offered you the life you always wanted. and Catherine was waiting in the apartment. Catherine told me that when I called her a few months ago. last night. And then when she got that poem. Marcy paces around the apartment. so that’s all it takes? One little kiss. and you forget everything she did to you? Well. Thank God you realized that she is a complete jack monkey who cheats on you. But then. and I was going to suck it out…I’ll be in my room. (Jeff) Oh. (Jeff) Ha! The sick sense! (Austin) She wants to start our lives all over again. SCENE 2B — AUSTIN AND JEFF’S APARTMENT (Marcy) (Entering) May I come in? Or… (Jeff and Austin freeze) (Jeff) Austin had a bee in his mouth. (Jeff exits to his room. Maybe you could leave now.
You touch a part of me I didn’t even know I had. (Austin) Two minutes. The night when I first met you. Even though. Something. I want you anyway. Even though. Even though. And even though I think your way of life is different. You’re not different. You take me to a place I didn’t even know was there. Don’t say a word until I’m done. Now look at us. 85 . I need to say I choose you anyway. I’m not different. And so. But perfection never was what I did best. I was more than just a little bit surprised. Even though you’re more traditional than my dad. so that I couldn’t live without you. Even though. Let me speak. I choose you anyway. You drove me crazy from hello. But then you left And I realized There was something about you.(Austin) Apology accepted. You’re not like anyone I know. Even though there’s not a single thing we share. Two months ago I never would have guessed That I’d compare to you know who But now I know I belong with you. (Marcy) Wait. EVEN THOUGH (Marcy) When you first told me that you loved me. you were freakish. This might not be the perfect way to tell you. I need to say I want you anyway. And even though you’re just a little bit pretentious. Please leave. And so. we both have come so far.
I love you anyway.) But it’s all together different. (Marcy) Austin! (Austin) I want to thank you for everything you’ve done. And so. I love you in a way I didn’t even know I could. I should stop. Good night.” END OF SONG (Austin) You love me anyway? In spite of who I am and all my shortcomings.(Marcy. here I go. 86 . And even though You’re so much paler than my dream man. Catherine’s taking me back. Even though. (Austin) Marcy. I need to say. Even though. You’re such a dork. (Marcy) Austin. well. Even though. “I love you anyway. you love me anyway? Thank you for compromising all that you want in choosing me instead. And I don’t feel the way I should. cont. ’Cause I love you in spite of who you are.
He’s an idiot and a stuffed shirt and a Republican too. But with him now Is where I belong. What does she look like? I forget. Then she knocks at my door. I don’t need her anyway. (Marcy) I wanted him. He won’t commit. But I do. I’m questioning the things I thought I knew to be true. (Jeff) She’s like every woman I’ve ever met Who says casual’s okay. I tried to keep my feelings 87 . There’s nothing special about her. (Marcy) I wanted him. He doesn’t believe in Love. I’m certain I’m better off without her. I don’t know why I love him. With a pout And teary eyes That work on weaker men.ACT II. SCENE 3 — NEW YORK CITY BUT I DO (Diana) He hurt me hard. I don’t know why I love him. ’Cause he was wrong. I’m not certain how. But with him now Is where I belong (Austin) Found my love from before. not even A little bit. But they don’t mean what they say. But I do. I’m not certain how. ’Cause he was wrong.
You’re sure of your ways. as soon as you’re comfortable. Why can’t I explain This aching pain? You’ve got the whole world In the palm of your hand. You feel solid and strong. I don’t need her anyway. Then someone comes in And shows you that you’re Wrong. Then someone comes in And shows you that you’re Wrong. (Diana and Marcy) I don’t know why I love him. You’re sure of your ways. (Austin. (Jeff) But I do. (Jeff) There’ll be other women. cont. (Austin and Jeff) Why is she driving me insane? (Jeff) I don’t need that woman.) from bubbling up again. 88 (Austin and Jeff) As soon as you know where you stand. (Diana) But I do. You’ve figured it out. All that I know Says I should leave her And go find someone new.(Marcy. (Diana) All that I know Says I should leave him. But I do. You know who you are. You feel solid and strong. (Austin and Jeff) I don’t need her anyway. (Diana) I’m barely surviving. (Diana and Marcy) Why is he driving me insane? (Austin) I’m barely surviving. And go find someone new.) I don’t know why I love him. cont. (Austin) She’s only a woman. . (Diana and Marcy) Why.
(Marcy) But I do. (Austin stands alone contemplating his feelings) 89 .
huh? (Marcy) Worse. (Cocktail Waitress) Slow night! (Bartender) Slow night. How’s singlehood treating you? (Marcy) Two shots of tequila please. (Bartender) If I take it out of your tips. SCENE 4 — O’DENNEHEY’S BAR (Brigitte as Cocktail Waitress) Slow night. (Cocktail Waitress) Hey. (Cocktail Waitress) I’ll give you three seconds before the “heartbreak crowd” comes in. This is my friend. Similar situation. Take it out of my tips. you’ll have a dollar left. (Bartender) You’re on. We met them here. (Cocktail Waitress) That well. (Danny as Bartender) Slow night. Two. Diana. You want a beer? (Cocktail Waitress) Yeah. 90 . we’ll forget them here.ACT II. (Marcy and Diana enter) (Diana) Back to the scene of the crime. Marcy. Three.
There was some magic In the notes that we passed. She said. passion ignite. (Bartender) Here. and embers fade all in the same night. (Marcy) Jersey? (Bartender) I got on the wrong train! Back in the first grade. WHAT DO WE DO IT FOR (Cocktail Waitress) Somewhere there are birds Singing sweet lovely songs. Here’s to the sorry bastards who try to fall in love in New York. I’ve searched this whole island. (They all shoot their Tequila) (Diana) You guys see it all from back here. Queens and Brooklyn. we live it right there with you. But there’s no one for me. “I think that things are moving too fast. People say. And a guy tells a girl in her arms he belongs. “You’ll find the one. We see romance.(Cocktail Waitress) You’ve come to the right place. we guarantee. huh? (Cocktail Waitress) See it? Honey.” 91 . I’ve looked and looked and looked and looked. Even Hoboken. But for some of us Our only true guarantee Is that our hearts get bro-o-o-o-ken-ennn.” Well. (Bartender) Don’t I know it. One day while playing in the sand I made a move to hold her hand. I knew this girl. If you just look.
One day I thought. I had this good friend that I loved for years.(Diana) Tease.” (Diana) Don’t be friends! 92 . (Bartender and Cocktail Waitress) What do we do it for? (Marcy) But at least it got easier as we get older. Though you’re charming And you’re funny. When it ends up hurting us to the core? (Cocktail Waitress) It’s because though it sounds corny. but just as a friend. (Bartender) Or you feel horny. I love you the way a boy loves his mom. “I love you. But he said.” (Marcy) That’s not good. too. why do we do it. “Ya know what honey. You feel love. (Marcy and Diana) Right? (Bartender) Right. (Bartender and Cocktail Waitress) Oh.” And she responded coolly. “This situation must end. Continue to pursue it.” So I said. (Cocktail Waitress) One time in high school I had a crush. So I thought I’d ask him out to the prom. “I love you truly.
(Bartender) It’s now so bad that I Am going on a dating hiatus. (Cocktail Waitress) Testify.” (Bartender) Sing it girls. “My god you’re pretty. (All) Why do we do it? There must be something to it. (Cocktail Waitress) Ooo hoo I hear you. 93 . (Marcy) Just when it can’t get worse. (Diana) Sing. Then he said. (Diana) This is getting damn depressing. And you’re interesting. And we talked and talked and talked about life. it keeps me guessing. It’s as if the gods up in the sky hate us. (Diana) I think there is a curse. (Marcy) You know. And you’re witty. you remind me a lot of my wife. That keeps us coming right back for more. You know. (Marcy) This thing love. I’m certain of it because. child. (All) What do we do it for? (Cocktail Waitress) We try and try and try.(Cocktail Waitress) I met this great guy right here at this bar.
“You look like my dad. (Diana) Love’s for people who are not you. got you. And the signs are getting hard to ignore.” (Marcy) Oh! (Bartender) Oh! (Diana) Oh! (All) We keep at it.(Marcy. ha. 94 . (Marcy) They’re all saying. (Bartender) I’ll wait here Alone at this bar. “Ha. With each drink it’s more depressing and sad. cont. (Cocktail Waitress) Maybe I should give up dating ’Cause I feel like I’m just waiting For a guy to say. Even though we’ve had it.” (All) What do we do it for? (Bartender) You ladies want another round? (Diana) Sure.) Lookie here! (Diana) Oh God! (All) It does.
but then again You just never know. (Bartender and Cocktail Waitress) That’s what we do it for. That’s what we do it… For! (Diana) Marcy. Why we put our poor selves through it. That’s what we do it… (Clink glasses. (Marcy and Diana run out. Music comes back in for a tag) (Bartender and Cocktail Waitress) That’s why we do it ’Cause those lovers almost blew it. we’ll just take it out of her tips. In a moment he might walk through that door. (All) That’s why we do it. Cocktail Waitress and Bartender acknowledge what they have just done on the button. slam down glasses) For! (Bartender) Last call! (Cocktail Waitress) Who’s next? END OF SONG 95 . take shot. (Diana) And my head from over thinking. (Marcy) Let’s go. (Pours another round of shots) Yes.(Bartender) Okay. (Marcy) Then he’d stop my heart from sinking.
I was just cleaning my contacts…while they were still in my eyes. that this won’t be perfect all the time. But sometimes the rules don’t match what you feel. It won’t always be easy. (Jeff) Hi. (Diana) Jeff. and pretend that you didn’t mean something more to me than just a friend. this happens. But isn’t that kinda the point? (Jeff) It’s just that every time I’ve gotten my ducks in a line… (Diana) Row. Marcy and Diana knock. SCENE 5A — AUSTIN AND JEFF’S APARTMENT (Jeff sits on the couch playing with the abacus by himself. (Jeff) Row. and I sorta broke the rules.ACT II. (Diana) You okay? (Jeff) Oh…yeah. a bit teary eyed. Maybe you’re right. then come in the room) (Marcy) Jeff. (Marcy) I’ll see you later. is Austin here? (Jeff) He’s down at the coffee shop. 96 . And I couldn’t just ignore it any longer. And I get pushed back right where I started. (Marcy exits) (Diana) Hey. look. I know we had our little arrangement.
it’s been a really long time since I’ve said that. Both! Maybe we can do a conference call and figure it out together. I have to call her. (Jeff) And? (Austin) We’ve been together five years.(Diana) Jeff. (Diana) Austin. Marcy. (Jeff) You had a thing with coffee? (Austin) I’ve built this life with Catherine. (Diana) I understand. (Jeff) But… (Austin storms in the door) (Austin) Jeff! Diana! I need to talk to somebody! (Diana) What happened? Why aren’t you with Marcy? 97 (Austin) I was at the coffee shop with Catherine. I love you. . and it’s everything I’ve always wanted. And it’s all laid out waiting for me. (Jeff) Diana. (Diana) Who? (Austin) Catherine. and she doesn’t know how I take my coffee? And Marcy…we had a thing with coffee. sit down. putting out life back on track when she asked me how I took my coffee.
’Cause they see who we really are. I still wanted to get into her pants. Marcy’s yours. I was lost in a canoe. I just wanted to get in her pants. And not risk what seems secure. (Jeff) When we first met. 98 . But after a while. “What if I gave this a chance?” Nothing could have prepared me For the way I felt. (Diana) No. We all need someone Who will see that we’re bizarre. you said you love me. you’ll never grow. Marcy’s yours. But is that what you’re looking for? Easy might be easy. You can insert Catherine right into your ideal life. But you want more. Diana’s mine. I needed someone I love to bring me oars. (Diana) What did you just say? (Jeff) It was just a stupid metaphor. If you don’t stretch. And right now you want to do what comes easy.MARCY'S YOURS (Diana) I know you’re hurt. Jeff is mine. They’ll stretch your limits. We all need someone Who makes us question what we know. But then I got in her pants And I wondered. The way it scared me. And love us anyway. We all need someone who can open up new doors.
even so. (Diana) We all need someone (Diana and Jeff) Who admits that we’re odd. I have to tell you something.(Jeff) I did! You’re the person I want to be better for. (Diana) You did? (Jeff) And it feels wonderful. (Jeff) Bull! I meant it. (Diana and Jeff) I’m yours. 99 . (Diana) You finally feel as though You’ve got your ducks all in a—line. And loves us anyway ’cause they see through our façade. Their voice sends shivers down your spine. (Diana) You better have meant it. but they know To look through the tarnish. (Jeff) They’re wrong for you. (Diana) Jeff. (Jeff) Diana. right to the shine. (Austin) Marcy’s mine. (Diana and Jeff) You try to keep them out. (Jeff) Diana. I’m not Jewish. and it better not be just an accidental blunder.
and I wander. (Diana and Jeff exit) END OF SONG ACT II.(Austin) Thanks guys. I knew without a doubt What life was all about. And that’s fine. At first I did my best to completely destroy it. It’s too much to bet On a whim That I’m feeling. There was no surprise to speak of. Just awake and take it from there? But I may regret This choice ’cause I’m reeling. And I’m hers. There’s this pulling. But now I’m caught because I’m choosing Between the life I may be losing And Marcy who I love. “Hello” to uncertain mornings. I think of Marcy. But what happens now To the life I thought I knew? I had my whole life planned out. Now I’m starting to enjoy it. Is this goodbye to knowing my next move? Goodbye to knowing where I stand? This change isn’t small. SCENE 5B — AUSTIN AND JEFF’S APARTMENT GOODBYE (Austin) Marcy. Do I go back on all I have planned? And say. Too much is resting on my Saying. “Goodbye.” 100 . Marcy’s mine. aching force And I’m certain of the source. And it’s true She isn’t perfect. I try to stay the course.
She’ll love me anyway. And still has the nerve to care. “Goodbye” To my expectations. So I say. I know that Marcy Won’t give a damn If I plan my life out Or leave it up to chance Or setup shop on the moon. cont.(Austin. Goodbye! END OF SONG 101 . So to who I used to be And the life I thought I wanted. Goodbye.) But then there’s Marcy. “Goodbye” To everything I know. I used to just do What was planned and prepared. I wouldn’t trust chance. Who sees who I am. Goodbye. No rules to obey So I’ll wake every day and I’ll go Full steam into who knows what? Who cares? As long as Marcy’s by my side. Because I was too scared. But Marcy is my reason Now to try.
I got coffee. (Marcy) I see. Danny as Barista and Brigitte as Baristress bring him two cups of coffee) (Austin) Thank you. (Austin) I’ve been waiting for you. I know that you’re with Catherine now and if that’s what makes you happy…then okay. (Jeff) I couldn’t stall her anymore. I just couldn’t leave it the way we… (Austin) Hey. (Jeff enters) (Jeff) Austin! She’s coming! (Austin) No. (Marcy) I’ve been looking for you. (Austin) Marcy. no. I already pretended I had a kidney stone. SCENE 6 — TRUE BREW COFFEE SHOP (Austin sits at the table. no. Twice. (Diana) Then what’s this? (Marcy) Austin. It’s probably fate.ACT II. and he wasn’t here. 102 (Marcy) Look. look. I need five more minutes. I already checked down here. . (Marcy and Diana enter) (Marcy) Diana.
(Marcy) You wrote a poem? (Austin) Nope. In fact. (Marcy) Read me your poem. no.(Austin) I got one black and the other one I told the…barista…to serve me whatever he wants. (Austin) No. look at you. no. barely once. Marcy. I was hoping we could figure that out together. (Marcy) What poem? (Austin) It’s not done. You make decisions Without thinking twice. And the next day change your mind. (Austin) Not done. (Marcy) Which is which? (Austin) I don’t know. You go see a show without checking the listings. (Marcy) Improvise something. That once drove me crazy That that’s who you were. 103 . tell her about the poem. I LOVE YOU BECAUSE (Austin) Marcy. look at you. (Jeff) Oooooh. it’s not done. You join a new club each day.
And it’s quickly rejected. (Marcy) Austin. You don’t do what’s expected. 104 . And it’s easy to say.” But I don’t. You want what is quiet and structured and normal. “I love you anyway. look at you. I love you because You’re not the person I dreamed of at all. (Austin) It’s supposed to be personal. And it’s easy to say. cont. It would have gone better.) But that’s who you are. It’s a poem poem. I love you because. But it all came out all wrong. You make up your mind With routine and precision. “I love you anyway. I tried to say that’s okay. I love you because. If only I said What you just said to me.(Austin. You’re handed a rule. I love you because You’re not the person I dreamed of at all. I love you because You make me feel like a fool. Austin.” But I don’t. And freshly pressed shirt. (Marcy) That doesn’t sound very universal. I love you because You have too many reasons behind Your every move and decision. look at you. And constant tie. With your big goofy smile.
(Marcy) I wanted someone like me.(Austin) People will call us insane. (Marcy. (All) I love you because You’re not the person I dreamed of at all. you weren’t at all The person I wanted to answer my call. “I love you anyway. You’re the answer to a question That I never posed. Insane to love someone who’s so clearly wrong. And it’s easy to say. I love you because You push me in a direction That I thought was closed. (Marcy) People will say that we’re crazy.” 105 . (Diana) Who’d share all my thoughts. “I love you anyway. (Jeff) Who wouldn’t ask hard questions. Austin. Diana. (Austin) Who’d share all my fears. But now it seems that wrong Is the right way to go. what do they know? (Austin and Marcy) I pushed you away.” (Marcy) But I won’t say. The things I used to question I’m seeing anew. Crazy to fall for each other but But then again. and Jeff) Now all I want Is to be here with you.
END OF SONG END OF SHOW 106 .(Austin) And I’ll never say. and Marcy) ’Cause I don’t. Diana. I love you because.” (Austin. Jeff. (All) “I love you anyway.
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