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Principles 101

Principles 101

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Published by Kispeter Istvan

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Published by: Kispeter Istvan on May 21, 2012
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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10/11/2015

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A major obstacle to social interaction
is not knowing what to do. You don’t
know where your hands go. You
don’t know what to say. You don’t
know how to initiate conversations.
You don’t know how to respond to
praise or criticism. You don’t know
how to get your expectations met.
In short, you don’t know how to
socialize.

As a result, other people will punish
your behavior, usually by rejecting
you. Because they are turned off by your nervous ticks, monotone
voice and other neurotic self-monitoring habits, they will snub your
efforts to socialize. This may not always be
obvious; instead of saying something rude,
many times, people will simply ignore you.

Being constantly punished with rejection
will eventually cause you to punish yourself.
You will distort the most benign comments
from strangers into malicious attacks
against your person. You will amplify every
one of your faws and obsess over all your

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failures:

“She thinks I’m creepy and stupid. In fact, everyone probably feels the same
way about me. I’ll never get a girlfriend. When girls give me the cold shoulder,
it’s because I’m just not physically attractive enough. I’m an ugly guy and could
never date a cute girl. I might as well settle for some big chubby chick because
that’s the best I can do.”

“I have taken the lack of smiles from strangers to indicate that people just want
me to leave them alone. They don’t want to talk to someone as insignifcant as
me. I have taken other people’s bad moods and internalized them to think that
they don’t like something about me, as if it had to have been me that caused
their mood and nothing else. I was completely self-centered in my approach to
socializing, which ultimately led to self-defeating thoughts.”

Since you’ve made
a habit of belittling
yourself, you are
not qualifed to undo
the damage you’ve
caused to your attitude
and perspective.
Like a misbehaving
child lacking healthy
parental restrictions,
you’ve become a
danger to yourself.
The only solution is to bring in a qualifed parent to nurse you back to
health and guide you in the right direction.

Everyone needs parents,
mentors, teachers and leaders
to demonstrate functional
behavior—to show them how
to get their needs met
. The
human life is dependent by
design. You didn’t grow up in a
vacuum. In fact, you wouldn’t
even be alive today if a parent
or guardian didn’t attend to
your needs. As a social being,
you must depend on others.
This is the most important
social lesson of all.

Social competence is never self-taught. You need to be trained by a
socially skilled person. Someone must model functional social behavior
for you. Someone must motivate you to change. Someone must pull
you out of your bad habits and teach you how to go from pursuing
countless wants to pursing your essential needs.

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