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Does not exist. Not in body, or in what some may claim is a “soul,” Nor its debts, statuses, or ambitions; yes, these things may be of use to some, but not I." -A poet named Sam Discovery @ The Indigo Room, Hers and His Hers “So, how do you not believe in God? You sayin‟ there‟s just nothin‟ out there? Where'd it
all come from then? What's the point?" His “What‟s it matter? Just enjoy the now. Be sincere, stay cordial and indulge wisely,” “Uh-huh, so then what afta‟ all dat?” “Well, when I find out I‟ll fly ya a kite. Ya-da-mean?” “But really, what makes you get up in the morning? I mean, do you even want there to be a heaven or hell?” “I can‟t speak on heaven; but if there‟s a hell, we‟re all goin‟. „Least once,” “Maybe you should get a therapist,” “Funny, ther-py was actually a big part of the problem. All this guilt for being human, just as much as the rest,” “But didn‟t you tell me once your faith could never be shook? You used to be a believa‟ and now you just flipped. I just don‟t understand how anyone-” “I told you a‟lota things, myself a‟lota things… and since then we‟ve grown very much, don‟cha‟gree? When life gives you new answers to old questions, how u s‟posed to keep thinkin‟ the same as when ya knew no beta‟?” “So what, you sayin‟ you too smart and grown-up to have faith and wanna be saved?”
What made us so special? I mean. most varied influence on the development and mission of education. born addictions. which naturally made socializing awkward and. the military “parlance” says dad. Otherwise why the theatrics and posturing? Why would God behave as if He’s got a rep to maintain.. like a holy mafia don. Reconnaissance. Would’ve just made me a fuckin’ zombie like Byron or Claudia (I miss ya’ll so much if you can hear me). in each era coming a time to allow some frustration over the . when all I cared about was the Dexter’s Laboratory episode I was gonna miss? It was airing at midnight. from what I’ve learned in natural science and bio. Unsurprisingly. their kind. ghetto experience. airing airing @ midnight. it’s not because I’m not curious.” * January ‘00 Well. in my mind. or behavior can be called such. ambition itself. but when I joined my family in Pomona as we “upgraded” to middle-class. these parties would exert the boldest.e. or at the very least. feelings. Because how does any one person-especially a teacher-streamline old opinions and ideas and make them still relevant? While reminding the student to accept that they’ll always be wrong about something. Seated in our respective pews with other believers. and in a broad sense each yielding some sort of education.? And as for most of the blacks I encountered I was ashamed. The dread of a new school semester today was what really got me. of either their selves. and trade or commerce were heavily tied with literacy. by which any event which affects one‟s thoughts. one day they’ll have to rise to top. “Not every-things gotta be so complex all the time. It was mostly black and latino-hispanics that I grew up around and it became too obvious why few if any other outlets were provided in favor of such. learning the world through surveillance. more trouble-than-worth. Guess Y2K was just a gip. On the way they learn the means of navigating through the world. I just get distracted with recon. But I preferred doing all this alone. passed orally then crudely imitated. I found that kids glamorized it. when careers in religion. Sure. Most of my teachers claim that the real problem is insolence-but I don’t hear half of what they sayin’ anyway. skills and knowledge were at first haphazard. gives some hint of their realness (one of few terms I find universally offensive) and their potential for rising up against whatever the hell it is they think is holding them back from happiness. just because I have no desire to be any different.“You savin‟ nothin‟ and nobody 'cept your own doubts. I guess they figure if they act like they came from the bottom. But is it fair to say. But then again. Pretending their ignorance and acting out in front of one another as if some ringside show for the masses. though. Fate is not your enemy. everyone likes to play tough now and again. they’d reveal their full domestication. i.and Evol-ution From primates to parasites all forms of life share in them an ambition for survival. why should I care at all? Just who’s gonna care if I don’t? Does God hate dumbasses and we’re just to mark them as unlucky? Un-deserving? Or does He (or She) just like fuckin’ with underachievers? * A Thought on Revol-. is the game I made of it all. “Mother Nature” is by far a more sensible name. politics. then when in the company of their non-black-or just middle class-peers and authority figures. Ihn‟t that why it‟s called blind faith? It‟s jus‟ a promise to do as much: ignorin‟ wat you don‟t want to see anyway. manic depression and few outlets for all the fiery rage which follows.” In any case I’ve accepted mine as an average student. I wondered if any here seriously believed our salvation lay in the hands of an unseen puppet master. which interested me because of how organized everything was and the discipline of making it all work. we’re still alive. Case of the primates. Though it wasn’t academics. as if parole officers. What else struck me was the novelty of the supposed ethnic. I’m grateful mom and dad never let them put me on medication when we lived in the South Bay. Devol. though “professionals” did emerge before written language.
I don‟t have any grapes though. „Cuz of his age and mom being Jamaican he got plenty shit. you know my younga ‟sis. Naw man. hahahaha!” “Yea-yea-yea Ha-ha. No Chaser Xulu J. Got any grapes?” “Beta‟ calm yo self boy. disciplined man.” “…” “So quiet now ain‟t cha? „Kay.” “Well. I know to call them but I. day miss you. Justly so. a soldier in War II-he married my momma young. * Prophet Xulu. „less you r'lly wanna toe-to-toe righ‟n‟ here. In respect to the latter.J.” “You ain‟t gotta tell me what I feel…I‟ll call „em when I‟m damn ready…Just tell me how‟s your music com‟n long man. durin‟ my teens. pick up ya ax and we can get it started” “Ya but first man tell me „bout your fam. Melancholy Gypsy J. “You talk to your fam‟ late boy?” “Naw man. Hellt‟y-liv‟n boi. There was little we could do as I grew up and after he passed.” . it was just me and her.J. momma and tha lil‟one…I don‟t think I told you „bout dad. And the music can wait. If it‟s okay. jus‟. She inherited money from him but it was burned through in less than a year. I „ve never heard much „bout „em.my head just ain‟t good for that right now. ^ Iron Flat. „Member now he was a strict. impatient. He was irish. grapes is the bud-wat we call it in Cali anyway-and I didn‟t mean anything. towards more critical and empathetic application.ALWAYS tellin‟ how much better you feel after ya do.” “And who say it‟s aw„bout you suh? Hahaha. but if you don‟t wanna talk then we can just blaze.previous faith. I didn‟t mean to hurt feelins by exposin‟ yo selfish-ass ways. this required simple overwhelming.” “Y‟not? You miss dem.
In that case most the dirty work does itself: Contact-Contaminate-Control. growin‟ up complicates things ya know. oft pleasant polite.J. You goin‟ through that right now. Could be ya freedom. but I know how she is wit‟ money. jus‟ don‟t do like a„lota people and ignore her „fore homecomin‟. A token of time lost. though all share the make-up of “psychoactive” drugs. ya talk to momma lately? How‟s she holdin‟ up?” “She tells me she‟s alright. a flocking youth spellbound. Buh an‟way. mos‟ likely the biggest reason at the time but. love. Custom and Reason Of the base human drives none parlay as much dispute as that for “altered states of mind. so much they befriend crueltyand refuse any admission or intent-that is.” [Xulu handles Strat. functioning as daily staples for billions worldwide. sound as a ream of chimes. as an anesthetic.” written history and chance observation justify as much. tobacco and alcohol stand as highly regulated and robustly produced commodities. Otherwise she‟ll just be another picture on draped „cross the mantel. J. you gon‟ play rhythm or just act like you forgot how ta skank?” “Alrite. and remains a commercial staple of their society today. or at the very least they‟ll get at your sanity. their custodians fear their insights. It‟s hard to make ya self believe there ain‟t somethin‟ or somebody out jus‟ tryin‟ to fuck with you. unless “I” have already been convicted. opiates or LSD. Many refuse to compare these substances with cannabis. pride. She hasn‟t been to the hospital late. naw‟mean? Jus‟ a-notha pic-cha on the wall/ Draped „cross the mantel of forlorn/ Memories/ Time we spend and sweet reverie/Shoul„‟ neva‟ again be minnneee… Well. Kids say she‟s stressin‟ cash ev‟ryday. That is.“That why you enlisted? „Cuz of his service?” “Partly yea. As early as 8000 years ago coca (from which cocaine is derived) leaves were used by the Andes peoples to relieve fatigue and hunger. all possess .” -Sam Illusion A Thought on Passion. caffeine. „cept for dialysis. Four-three-two-“ Both “Wun!” “ “I” is a tide swole and restless. Globally. explore high altitudes. acoustic] “Well.
altering one‟s mood. but it isn‟t my place or desire to judge.S. Downtown “So do people choose to live like this? Or does God just not like them?” “What? „Course they don‟t.chemicals that act on the central nervous system (via the brain).” “I didn‟t teach you that. You don‟t know what‟s going on in one‟s life.” “So the guy that got shot in front of my school. renowned for his research on drugs and human behavior. Son Mom even the ones that ain‟t perfect. Siegel. Indeed.” “Unless you‟re born saved. right?” “Oh? And since when do you know who‟s righteous and who isn‟t? Terrible things have happened to these people. Nobody in their lives will ever have that answer. behavior. why don‟t they ask for help or get a job or something? If they‟re good people they wouldn‟t be strung out and living in the streets. straining resources by incarcerating one-time. for example. federal government-has held a patent on it since 2003. right?” “Becoming saved is a choice and not always one that‟s easy to make. Nor is it very obvious. Hopefully. For these contradictions in logic. for its “antioxidant properties” and neuroprotectants. cites intoxication as merely the “fourth drive. and diverting law enforcement agents from more pertinent tasks.S. Parkinson‟s and autoimmune diseases.” alongside thirst. Psychiatrist Ronald K. nobody wants to live like this.A.” “Well. and in the U. policy. and human behavior. there‟s been few political strides. the world is a very cold. And though all people make mistakes. and how‟d you enjoy someone making assumptions of you?” . non-violent offenders. Still. Attempts at reform have varied. used in treatment of Alzheimer‟s. cognition and/or perception. Prohibition has long been credited with fostering organized crime. hunger and need for shelter. Son + L. the act of spinning or dancing-especially for children-suggests the desire to alter one‟s state of mind is universal and innate. not to mention the commercialization of prisons. God loves all his creations. drugs such as cannabis remain a Class I narcotic (LSD. unforgiving place. to rely on its deserved resentment. * Mom. you think he was saved? He mustn‟t of been if he had to die like that. Heroin) though the Department of Health & Human Services-officially representing U. Yet hypocrisy rarely has time to enjoy itself when the general public overcomes its sheepishness.
Inglewood and any familiar I’ve ever known up to this point. and well. a self I hadn’t grown into just yet-that made me understand that such bitterness breeds consequences which must always be embraced (or else the sentiment owns no context). And do you think one that‟s ever done good never did bad either? Usually the two go hand-in-hand. I really hope you don’t.” “Oh yeah? Cousin Sasha and your uncle Willis have told us much different. You’ll learn to like it." “Even you?” “Maybe.” I wondered if. “No. “He’s gonna be lookin’ up to you when he grows up. my step-grandfather.” I replied.” he finally said.” Just whose kids were these? Aren’t I just a kid? Why don’t mom and dad be the leaders? “I don’t care. asian and middle-class majority. he ever felt the sting of having to embrace an intruder as kin. sometimes life won‟t let you do only good. Dig deep enough and we all got a little dirt. as we drove to our Manchester apartment. As I prepare to join my immediate family in Pomona and leave behind Athens. I know this was mostly mom’s doing. “I know you don’t mean any of that baby. pyg-meed frame. “So you ready to see your little brother?” asked Jefferson. Nothing. From then I wondered all the time if any person would remember or record this confession. Step-by we made our way ‘til in our sights was only my mother and his shriveled. she always seemed Why do I want him gone so bad? What has he done? . His words as forgiving as they were scolding. I now understand the depth of anxiousness. a tally of my vices and their proof of my own narrow humanity. I know you didn’t have a big brother or sister but you got two sisters and a baby brother now. as the man who replaced my grandfather. I hate them.“Doesn‟t matter-they don‟t know me and I don‟t have to let „em! But I know for sure I‟m not bad inside. Nothing at all. We arrived and were up the stairs.” “So one day I could choose to be bad through and through? Just forget there‟s someone watchin‟ that will punish me?” “You should do right whether or not anybody is. They’ll all be tryin’ to follow what you do. It was somethin’-or maybe someone. I remained silent.” As soon the words left I was flush with shame as the weight of my statement fell on.” * August ‘99 In the spring of ‘94 my parents welcomed their fourth and final addition to our family: a second son. “why would I want to see him?” “Don’t be like that baby. raw desire. as this will be the first time I’ll ever in a white. There’s no comfort in knowing I’ll have to conform in my new environment.
Dana was candid and even at her most buoyant never a step off.Y. a defense. curious. has the political landscape-or any tenet of society-made long-term reform. The cheap and relative ease-of-use made them hot-beds for discussion on everything from business. a front. For this. the human conspiracy. the force of economics on these realms has made many skeptical of their efficiency and inclusiveness. allowing for the first time many of these citizens to firmly protest and resist their oppressors who have held power for decades.‟s finance district. Besides truth there was little else I could tell them (add to . But it was finally seeing a man like this in his domestic life which made me grateful to be only a hobbyist and no longer ashamed to claim just as much. Not that I shared no interest-quite the opposite! I simply couldn’t keep pace with Erin. a curse endured „lone forever and oft-willingly. a dilemma of our friendship: mutual interest.C. Mature. A working playwright. various “occupy” movements have emerged globally. there wasn’t an encounter which ended w/o some dense esoteric-or equally generic-display of fanboy affection. sports and politics. which explains how only with legislation or mass revolt. It was cute at first. All those in favor. insightful. actor. it wasn’t long before I was enamored with either and began the narrative. However. Recently. say “I”." -Sam Balance January ‘11 This past New Year’s Eve was spent at Ken and Dana’s. but if that meant “passing” in order to have a stable career and life. taking their name from the first “Occupy Wall-Street” movement in N. No credit is too much given to the role of Internet blogs and chat rooms in that respect. culinary and sexual fetishes. Dubbed the Arab Spring. Faye and her off-kilter gourmet were not enough condolence for Erin’s marathon fetish for musicals and theatre. or domesticated servants which makes them intolerable? I was all anchor and my expression must’ve told. We’d met at Faye and Erin’s party the last year. musician and. Resilient.ashamed of her upbringing. “Transacted on one plane. Erin embodied the spirit of craft I assumed all artists hoped to achieve. themselves inspired by the revolts in the middle-east. which I understood. disregarding that their presence is and always will be the point. these uprisings owe much to social networking platforms. Ken and Dana reminded me the inspiration of damn good company for sake of. Dissenters complain of the movements‟ lack of focus. though it wasn’t until this past week that we had any real convo. whose own output seemed the focus of such gatherings. In April 1991 the World Wide Web was made available free to the general public. because they each asked reason for my sudden unease on the topic of romance-and affection in general. to ethics. This remains especially true of the last two decades. most admirably (to myself). a poetry scholar. a dirty secret told sloppily. observant. Reform and Empathy Public opinion means little without an institution to validate. Ken more calculated. followed three years later by the first web-based message boards. This troubled me for reasons more than sanctity of art. what’s the damn point? * A Thought on Education. as globalization and advances in technology have spurred more public engagement than ever before. artificial faculty. Is it that compliments invoke the charm of shelter-home tramps.
" later basing crucial adult decisions on the insight of an angry teenager. You hurt and yearn just as much as the rest. or that of their familiars. All this time alone. B‟sides. to observe. but instead of embracing what makes you human you try to pass off as some kinda Über-man. as occupying one‟s body with the solace and mundanity of. “The wanderers‟ usually on to something. Critical. The task of passing into society only inflates its value. tell us what the problem is. isolated. so has any comprehensive means of refining those pursuits for the benefit of one‟s sanity. opposing forces. So then it‟s without wonder that so many become narrow in their own bitterness and resentment as a means of defying those genuine. It is more so the binding conflict of intuition and reason that makes these years so troublesome. as one must guise their naivety and general disinterest. As for vices. or merely suspect. Aren‟t we your friends? Is it that hard being around us?” “Believe what you want about our relations-it is pretty damn hard!” “Oh! So it‟s you that has to put up with us all? What makes you think you‟re so much better than us? ‟Cuz you can hide your shame and malice behind those big-brain insights? If you can call them as much. leaving me ashamed for it. they must know and never judge. * We + Quiet Bungalow They “So really man.” I keep me sane” “But why all the struggle just to get you out the house? We just like to know you‟re doin‟ okay from time to time. They say your true friends will waste all or most their means to find you a better end. But even as the first ages of enlightenment have passed. frees the mind to purge. chance encounters which make one recognize just what is deserved in life: Nothing. paranoid. for then they are merely passer-by. * A Thought on the Human Spirit and “Figuring It Out” It isn‟t until adolescence that many come to understand the value of wandering.this my waning sobriety). which was my shame itself. and showing us not a bit. Unless most have simply missed the point of their being. and often cited by many as their phase of “personal awakening. as the world lingers on. my art is personal-I need it to . working on your art.” some often say. You didn‟t stop believin‟ in God-you just changed the definition! And for what? Are you any happier than you were then? ” * “Already told ya‟ll I‟ll show when I‟m ready. The truth that is.
“Do you think she’s going to die?” I’m unsure if I wanted her more to affirm or scold the mere suggestion (either seemed appropriate enough).” “Pneumonia?” Apparently. I thought. often citing Dìa de los Muertos and other celebrations of the dead as more appropriate and uplifting. South of Century 105. Los Angeles. the dialysis was going well and she was becoming more active every day-from what she’s told me. Deedee.. wishing me a happy birthday and hoping to talk soon. Months earlier. At 22 years old I’ve never attended a funeral. 2 years my junior. It excites me. “No.” “How soon can you come out?” what she actually asked me. Talk later. . as DeeDee was always most protective of mom. fluid in her lungs collected in wake of earlier operations on her heart. But also her feet and legs once swole ‘til she looked near disabled and often remained stubbornly cold. Well. fatigue. instead waking just moments before it the following morning. instead of vice or ennui. yes. Heat flashes. There are some things which will remain in the dark (as some should) but this is the first in a while that nostalgia has led comfort and resolve. Mom called me a month before that last trip to the hospital. I couldn’t admit that I was scared for her life. That day was mostly spent benign. But in the past years she was habitually cold and unexplainably fatigued. and I was unsure if I should’ve been still grateful to have been right: the distance was doing me good. though in her tone I felt an unspoken tension. It’d only been six months. Besides. fom what the kids told.” “Bye. frequent urination. in a Yuengling and cannabis-fueled stupor. yes.August ‘11 I’d settled on no sleep the night Deedee told me mom was abruptly back in the hospital.” I mulled over little else after that exchange. To “surprise. “Mm-hm. a second breath. still inebriated. or experienced a death in my immediate circle.” I rescinded on my promise to await the call fully alert. She’ll be fine.” “‘K. Just in her late thirties she described ailments of menopause. “. little different from the past.” Even before moving out 4 years ago there was no ignoring the profound and irreparable changes overtaking her body. the implications of her condition on our lives.. Bye. After asking Jamie the cross-streets of grandma’s house I went online to verify. you were right. didn’t so much as whimper when giving the verdict. But whose to argue with Mother Nature’s terms? And excluding a juvenile interest in gore-hop (it’s dark blend of hip-hop and various sociopathy couldn’t have been more appealing at the time) I gave little thought to it. more so than I ever was of dad. There wasn’t much I understood about what was happening to her so I just hoped this as just one of many phases the body must endure. though death was far from being a stranger in my life. 124th & Vermont. Pneumonia. “Okay.” + These years since leaving home I’ve yearned for a new pride in my heritage. Are you happy? Those words she never spoke rang as loud as fractured Pacific tides. depression. Athens. “I’m not sure.
somethin’ I could’ve never known had we stuck around. a new severity.Memories long tucked away were unearthed as I traced our commutes via map overview. where their course is sure to follow? And if they should ever know for sure. is it their right to decide when their pace should wane? What is the fuckin’ point. of it all anyway? . A new flora and fauna emerged. I wonder. For just how long can one run before knowing the cause of their flight? Or at least.
This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?