1

THE HALF-EATEN CHILIDOG
By
Dale Andersen
Character Breakdown
She………………………………………female, twenty-something
He…………………………………………male, twenty-something
Synopsis
A woman on the rebound finds love on the cellphone.

Technical Requirements
Mattress, table, 2 chairs, 2 matching keychains, 2
cellphones, attache case, overnight bag.
27702 Crown Valley Pkwy
Suite 117, D-4
Ladera Ranch, CA 92694
562-508-5820
http://www.scribd.com/daleandersen/
andersen.dale@gmail.com

2

(SHE enters vacation cabin.
Sets backpack on table.
Sits at table.
Gets comfortable by stages.
Begins writing letter.
Suddenly stops.
Thinks better of writing and.
Instead takes out her cell phone)
SHE:
Hey!
S’me
Yeah s’me again
Really really me again
Really really really me and guess what?
I made it. I’m here
Made it all the way
I know I know what I said
Hey, I know I remember
I know!
Hey, I can change my mind, OK?
Look, I know what I said
But that was 20 minutes ago
That was a different phone call.
That was then
This is now
Hey!
New call, new rules.
Janey.
Janey.
That was back at Der Wienerschnitzel
When I stopped to get a chilidog
And I was thinking
Girl
There you go again.
Another five pounds
See what happens?
You leave your workout group
The bad habits come right back

3
SHE(Cont):
Like they never left.
Well guess what?
So I threw the chili dog away
Half eaten
Hey!
Half eaten doesn't count.
No, it doesn't.
Does not.
Does not.
Janey
Janey
Stop it Janey.
Janey.
The important thing is
I didn’t turn around
And drive back
And camp out
In your living room
Like a big fraidy cat
I’m here
I am really really here
And it’s really
Really kind of
I mean actually kind of not bad
I mean hey it’s
Not Corona Del Mar
Not La Jolla. Not Newport Beach
Or someplace out there with the
Hoity toity rich and famous
But still
It’s kinda cool
Kinda neat
In a blah kinda way
And I’m uh
Hello??
Hello?
Oops thought I lost you there, Janey
Janey, thanks so much for finding this place for me.
You are the bestest best friend
In the whole wide world and.
What’s it like?
You wanna know what it’s like here?
Well uh the house is like uh nothing

4
SHE(Cont):
Just four walls and a mattress on the floor
And a table
And two chairs
What’s the word? Basic? Yeah basic. But nice.
And the beach outside is kind of deserted
I mean everybody’s gone
When they say off season around here
Even the really smelly bums leave
Seriously really
Not one hard male body in miles
So really it’s kinda really really peaceful
I can breathe again
No Janey
Stop
Janey
Don’t you say that
Don’t you even think that
Janey
No
Listen to me
It’s over
Wendell is over.
Wendell is over, history
What I need what I need what I need now
What I need right now is a place with some space
For a soft landing.
What I need is a week with no men
No no no!!
Don’t you dare tell Wendell where I am
If you do, I’ll tell that pimply boy at Starbucks
You want his baby. I swear I will, Janey.
That’s better.
Now be sure to thank Matthew for letting me stay here
What? Not Matthew? His name’s not Matthew? It’s Brett?
Then why do I keep calling him Matthew?
I mean Brett isn’t even close to Matthew.
Blonde moment. Duh! Whatever.
All I know is I don’t want to see any Toms, Dicks, Harrys,
Wendells, Bretts or Matthews. No men. Not here. Not now.
(HE enters with an old beat up suitcase and
an old beat up attaché case. HE is very
surprised to see her, unpleasantly so)
Uh Janey. Janey! A man just walked in. What? No, I’m not

5
SHE(Cont):
making things up. I’m telling you a man just walked in
here. And he has a key and a suitcase.
(SHE holds up her key. HE holds up his key.
They are exactly the same)
His key looks just like mine. Janey, this is not good.
This is not good at all.

Brett?

HE:
(Glares, takes out cellphone and speedials)
Just got here.
What the hell gives?

SHE:
Janey, he’s calling that Brett guy.
HE:
Who’s the chick?
I am trying to ignore him.
loud.
Oh right, her.
Oh oh.

SHE:
But he’s loud.

Really really

HE:
Whaddaya mean, “Oh right, her?”

SHE:
I just went from a chick to an “oh her.”

HE:
You better have a game plan, dude.
Oh oh.

SHE:
Now they’re huddling.

HE:
Negative. She can’t stay here. No way. I got the bar
exam on Thursday. I need absolute quiet to study.
SHE:
Uhhh Janey, did Brett actually like know I was coming?
OK.

So tell me this.

HE:
Where’s she gonna sleep?

6
Uhhhh.
No way.

SHE:
What do you mean, he uh kinda knew?
HE:
I’m not responsible. What if she gets pregnant?

SHE:
(Holds up key)
So you’re saying this is Sheryl’s key?
HE:
What if she gets a disease and dies?
SHE:
Uhhh, Janey, just who exactly is Sheryl?
HE:
Do you have insurance?
Sheryl’s his ex?

SHE:
Sheryl is Brett’s ex?

HE:
All I know is, it’s your ass if.
SHE:
(Overlaps)
Do I know this Sheryl? Did I ever meet her?
HE:
(Brandishes a signed contract)
Did she sign a contract?
SHE:
Monica knows Sheryl???
HE:
(Brandishes a deposit receipt)
Did she pay a deposit?
SHE:
Who is Monica?

7
HE:
She has no legal standing.
SHE:
Monica’s in your Internet chat group??
She’s a damn trespasser.

HE:
Case closed.

SHE:
Monica’s in your cyber chat group???
HE:
Move her ass out of here.
SHE:
A cyber chat group???
No!

No way, man.

HE:
Not my job. You evict her.

SHE:
Janey, do you like actually know these people?
HE:
I know my rights.
SHE:
You kinda know them.
HE:
I know the law, dude.
SHE:
And you kinda don’t know them.
HE:
And when I finish with you, you’ll be eating dog food till
the day you die.
SHE:
Janey sweetie. Help me on this.
Brett’s phone number.

Do you by any chance have

8
Negative.

HE:
I’m not telling her anything.

SHE:
(Writes number on paper)
Thanks, Janey. And tell Sheryl, Monica and the other
cyberchatters hi.
What if she's a nutcase?

HE:
What if she's a terrorist?

SHE:
(Hangs up)
This is getting really really insane.
Negative, man.

Brett.

HE:
She can’t use my phone.

SHE:
(Dials Brett’s phone number)
Brett. Brett. Ring. Ring. Ring.

HE:
Nobody breathes on my phone. What if she has a virus?
have a 10K Tea Party Walkathon on Friday.
SHE:
Ringing. Ringing. Please hold.
important. Yadda yadda yadda.

Your call is very

HE:
I don’t care how you do it. Just handle it. What? You
have another call? Hold? Yeah whatever, I’ll hold.
(He continues to hold phone to ear)
Hello?

Hello?

One table.

SHE:
Is this Brett? Mister Brett Yammer?

Two chairs.

HE:
Un-freaking-believable.

I

9
SHE:
Mister Yammer? Brett?
This is Alison. Alison Cribbs.
Yeah! The girl at the beach house? Yeah, that’s me.
HE:
Not even a bed. Just a mattress on the floor.
freaking-believable.

Un-

SHE:
Oh yes. That’s so so right. Oh yes. Yes. Yes. You’re
right. You’re so very very right. It’s been one really
really big big big snafu out here.
HE:
(Looks out window)
And the beach. Trash from the summer still out there.
One big shithole. Un-freaking-believable.
SHE:
Right. Really really really for sure. Sheryl should have
told you. I really totally totally agree.
HE:
Please hold. Your call is very important to us.
yadda freaking yadda.

Yadda

SHE:
Oh, so really actually honestly true, Brett. You are so so
right on the mark. Communication between a couple is a
sacred cross your heart hope to die obligation. I mean, it
is so really really key to a nurturing caring loving hugs
and kisses relationship. Hold?
Sure. Of course I will.
(She continues to hold the phone to ear)
HE:
Yeah? So is she leaving? Whaddaya mean, hold your horses?
You want to know what she looks like?!
Well, let’s see.
Wait a minute! Whaddaya wanna know that for? Ok. Ok.
Just hang on. She’s ummm hmmmm not bad looking. Ummm.
Kind of blonde. A little on the heavy side maybe.

10
SHE:
Geez, starting to sound like a meat market in here.
HE:
But I guess I wouldn’t kick her out of bed.
SHE:
Thank God for small blessings.
Hold?

Yeah go ahead.

HE:
What the hell.

SHE:
Please continue to hold. Your call is. Hello? Brett?
Yeah, it’s me, Alison. Thank you. Well, it’s like my
name. Like it or not, I’m stuck with it. Oh, that’s so
really kind of you. You know, I think Brett is a really
really masculine name. Yes, I do. It’s so so ummmm hands on
take charge sounding. Yes. For sure. I do think you sound
that way. I really really do. Say, do you like chili dogs?
You do?
Well, I know this really really neat little
place. Do you live close by, by any chance?
Really?
Well, that is actually so very convenient.
Please continue to hold.

HE:
Your call yadda freaking yadda.

SHE:
(Packs her gear at a panic pace)
Brett. Do you know the Trader Joes on Moulton Parkway is?
OK. I’ll meet you there. Well, I’m going to tell you.
I’ll be the girl with the dirty blonde hair and the big
smile and, oh yeah, I’ll be driving a blue VW Beetle. What?
You have a blue Beetle? So much in common already. May I
ask you a really really intimate question? What’s your
long distance company? Verizon? Oh My God, mine too!
This is so really really deep. It’s like fate, like
kismet. Really really looking forward to meeting you, Brett.
(Hangs up. Starts to leave. Stops. Turns)
Nice talking to you.
(Exits)
The End

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