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parents would stash your gifts in the closet. But curiosity got the better of you and you peeked at the gifts and one was clearly in the shape of that Red Ryder B-B gun you wanted but come Christmas time you open up a new pair of prescription socks and your brat of a sister gets the gun? How about when you go out to some restaurant on the edge of town that only the cool people know about and you go in and order the weirdest shit on the menu because you want to seem hip and cultured but then you get the dish and it’s a horse crap stuffed with blue cheese, but you choke it down anyway because you went on for forty minuets about how much you loved this dish? How about when you get invited to a three way with two girls and then you realize that you haven’t even been able to please a one women let alone two. So to calm down you do some heroin but it doesn’t mix well with the pure cocaine you did an hour go and before you know it you wake up under a bridge humping a garbage bag full of your own sick? Three openings is not good writing, nor is the complete abuse of run on sentences but the movie Prometheus has really messed with my emotions. All of these statements make it seem like I hate Prometheus but I don’t. It just has beaten my critical/analytical abilities. I know I liked it, but how much I just can’t say. My only option now is to break this down and get to the root of what is wrong with this movie (because the only other option is that there’s something wrong with me and that is near impossible.) Prometheus is one of Riddley Scotts projects that he hopes will return (or continue to hold) him to the A list of directors. A spiritual prequel to the Alien movie it tells the tale of a band of scientists, and one creepy android, who travel out to one end of the universe to discover the origins of humanity. They have a very real opportunity to go “straight to the source,” as it were, for answers to the biggest questions of life. The crew of scientists is perfectly cast, with a great range of actors from Chalize Theron to Noomie Rapace. That is the first piece of the puzzle: the acting. Sadly my search for what Prometheus did wrong can’t end here. The acting is great; in fact it’s some of the best acting I’ve seen since last winter. Michael Fassbender gets special recognition for his part as David the android, whom he plays perfectly. If it’s not the acting then lets look at the art style and special effects. Okay yes this movie was in 3-D, but you all know how I fell about that, so I saw the 2-D version. From a completely visual standpoint the movie is, again, flawless. The architecture of the planet melding with the design of the nonhuman’s vehicles and tech still contrast with the humans ship and tools both beautifully designed to show how well thought out this version of the future was. So fabulous acting set against a gorgeous backdrop, but what are those great actors acting out and what’s all taking place in the magnificent set?
As it turns out it’s a kind of crap story taking place. Well okay, it’s actually not bad, where pacing is concerned its perfect. A bizarre hook in the opening, a few twists in the middle, mixed with some greatly placed character scenes and a climatic conclusion, what more do I want? Well for one I want my characterization scenes to be more than a character saying “I don’t like these people, and I like money and I will die first.” Or the two pilots, who I never learned the names of, die and I am supposed to feel really sad but they had like two kind of clever lines so all impact was lost. But that’s it? Just weak characterization and I throw this movie aside with the likes of the Green Lantern or Sherlock Holms? Clearly there should be more. Unfortunately for me the only other aspect was the horror and how the mystery of the story was treated and again I can find nothing wrong with ether. The horror is paced and the scene of a c-section is horrifying and gripping. As for the mystery they reveal it piece by piece having one mystery solved by another and all in the end wrapping up in a conclusive and satisfying way. I must now face my own conclusion to this mystery and I don’t think I’m going to like the answer. I think I’m suffering from “fanboydom.” I love the alien movies, I love Ridley Scott and I love, love, love, sci-fy horror. I think in a nut shell this isn’t the movie I would have made. I can nit pick about how the last scene was totally pointless and some aspects of the plot make zero sense like that bit where that guy comes back as a zombie but no one else does, or why we need a giant face hugger thing. (although that thing was sweet lookin’) On the plus side I love the idea of having Michale Fassbender’s head in a bag. (I would take him everywhere, it’d be like two quirky roommates in a 1990’s sit com) Just go and see it for yourself, I am infected, and should be quarantined. I wanted this movie to blow my mind and disturb me beyond all comprehension, but what I got is a good movie that took things in an oddly religious direction and while I never like to say that a movie like this has a message Ridley Scott has more or less confirmed my suspicious (http://www.esquire.com/the-side/qa/spitznagel/ridley-scott-prometheusinterview-9423167?hootPostID=5859726769d221a2e3e17343609ca4f8) Ugh now I have to say messages in movies aren’t bad, and the twists aren’t bad and the characterization isn’t bad, but I wanted an aliens movie damnit! Those rarely have more than one twist and never bring up god. The moral kids? Don’t have expectations, don’t have hopes, don’t watch trailers, and don’t dream of what things could have been because the stuff you want them to be is probably shit as well. Go see it for yourself and help me understand what I’m missing because this movie just made me hungry instead of being the four course sex party that would leave me physically and emotionally drained.