Questionable Content

As of 1 August 2013 1 Marten: "Hey, Pintsize, I'm Home." (Marten Reed, Pintsize the AnthroPC) ["TEH" T-shirt][Re-done for the book Questionable Content Volume 1] What does Pintsize do when Marten's not home? (Calculate prime numbers, run SETI screensaver) "Three-hour conversations about the latest Intel chipsets are enough to make me spew my RAM all over the place." [Re-done for QCV1] Steve and Marten at the bar (Faye enters in the background)[Redone for QCV1] Faye introduces herself ("If I sense any lusting, I will stab you and poop in the wound.") Faye meets Pintsize: "OH MY GOD CUTEST THING EVAR!" Faye: "I'm still right here, you know." (Gah, Dammit!) [Re-done for QCV1] Faye: "I don't NEED to fake it to look good" (meanwhile Steve is pwning Pintsize on the Playstation... because Pintsize has no thumbs.) Pintsize: "Faye is nice. Is she going to be your girlfriend now?" Sara the Barista [first scene at Coffee of Doom] Faye the Barista (!) [The first "specials of the day" we see on the board: Rockin' Latte, Black Metal Mocha, Emospresso, Electroclash Frappe; "Tip Us or We Will Kill Again"] Pintsize: "Wait, I'm supposed to be HELPING?" (compare to 1292) Phone call from Mom. Faye's first punch The Irony Café (advertise vegan food, serve steaks, lobsters & chicken) Unhappy Vegan, Irony Café Server, and a fresh lobster... Concert-Goers:  One-man Mosh Pit  Chatterboxes  Fashion Whore  Frontline Soldier Faye's poop obsession "No poo-poo on the pee-pee" Roll of quarters. Laundry Night! Heh. (busted) Pintsize's Cake Mix fetish Head jokes give Marten a head-ache. Faye burns down her apartment (with a toaster?) …and moves in with Marten Faye: "Sending (my mother) into little fits of hysteria is my way of saying "I love you'." The Very First QC GUEST STRIP (James Wheeler): Marten and Steve debate KOTR New haircut, and sleeping arrangements... and Pintsize is earning Faye's wrath Indie Cred and buying clothes at the Gap Beating up Emo Bands Faye discovers who Sara's "crush" is (oops, it's Marten!) Sara: "That means I still have to work up the guts to ask him out." Sara has an epiphany (and it's not Marten) Comparing a CD seal to a bra? Marten (to Steve): "You're thinking of asking her out, aren't you." Pintsize delivers the info on the QT. Look on the bright side: you were spared something, perhaps? The Alphabet Trick, an Apple Catalog, and a can of WD-40? Painkillers and Faye's defenestration. Jimbo The Redneck! Get this party STARTED! Halloween 2003 [Faye: Shelley from Scary Go Round; Marten: Gabe from Penny Arcade; Steve: Sam from Sam & Fuzzy; Sara: Jade from PvP; and Red Robot from Diesel Sweeties] "I'll fall down otherwise." (Faye leans on Marten) Faye falls down on the second couch and notices Marten's behind Drink will make a girl say ridiculous things. iPods vs. AnthroPC's (Pintsize LOVES "Crazy Train") Pintsize doesn't do well with babies (tried to find the "off switch") Apple Store Guy Hot Topic Goth Chick gets Faye's wrath [Jeph has intimated that this is Raven's first appearance] Two coffee spit-takes on two bodily function jokes!

48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79


3 4 5 6 7

8 9 10

11 12 13 14 15 16

17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39

80 81 82 83

84 85 86

87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97

40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47

98 99 100 101

Thanksgiving with your family? No, they drive me insane. They drive me crazy. Underwear Ninja! Bra Pirate! Final Fantasy's secret [Re-done for QCV1] Marten buys a guitar Faye shows she knows her axes (learned from a guy in HS who was trying to get her nekkid – obviously not Kenny Wallace) You're being sarcastic again, aren't you? Marten's past (left behind friends and family to chase a girl, ended up "here") Deerhoof and Pandas! Faye makes a cake – and Pintsize lusts after it "It was SO worth the massive motherboard damage." Pintsize "backed up" Pintsize's new chassis… …which has a "LASER" (!) "I don't want to have to register you with the Department of Defense..." "I would NEVER... okay, so that was a total lie." 2nd Law of Sexual Dynamics ("If you think a girl is attracted to you, you are wrong.") [Re-done for QCV1] Sara tags along (and meets Steve) Sara and Steve are getting along; Marten has "liquid testicles" Faye breaks her glasses! Magical Vision Fairies guided me. She tests her depth perception the only way she knows how. Existentialism and the AnthroPC Nietzsche would have approved. (NIETZSCHE IS DEAD!) Failure, Pavement and broke-up bands Faye's killer death gas Marten: "Whenever you say something nice about me, I always end up getting punched." We meet Dora (and Dora already starts hitting on Marten) Bearded Indie Boys (and Marten can't grow one) Faye: "Heehee, she completely has a crush on you so bad." Dora tells Mieville about the "dashing young man" she met Marten: "Look, there is no way that Dora can possibly be interested in me." Faye: "I am certain there are plenty of girls who are attracted to you, and you just don't know it yet." (GIRLVANA!) Pintsize asks: Who's cuter? (That is what a 404 error feels like.) Faye: "I am looking forward to making coffees and sassing lascivious customers... Dora made (the DA) cry like a little boy." Dora provides us with her first Specials of the Day note: WE ARE SURLY BECAUSE YOU SUCK! Dora: "I might (be interested), were it not for a certain gal who is either being extremely protective of him or entertaining her own secret designs." Dora hits on Marten. "Remind me, which of you is the evil twin of the other?" Marten is "The Office Bitch". (It even says it on his business card.) Scott, Marten's boss (name per Jeph); company is InsureTech – "We Are Better!" Company therapist is the bottle of bourbon Scott keeps in his desk Scott: "Think with your heart, not with your (other body parts)." Faye's ready to kick ass! Faye covers herself Pintsize walks on the ceiling. Steve's coming over – and Pintsize gives Marten the least erotic hickey Faye's ever seen. Pintsize wants to join in the boozing! The first reference to Midnight Hobo bourbon (Winner gets the toilet, loser gets the sink!) Steve mentions he's no longer seeing Sara (something about a cubist painting…) Charlie Brown/Football reference FTW! (Faye being Lucy in this case…) Faye reveals she's from Georgia (which explains the Southern accent when she's drunk) So what made you move up north? "It was a buncha things, like my mom bein' all over-protective an' stuff." (ambiguous, semiplatonic statements) Songs about lost pancakes "You are as perceptive as I am drunk." Marten accidentally walks in on Faye changing [ NOTE: no scar was present] Dora weighs in on this "accident"

102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126

127 128 129 130 131 132

133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147

148 149 150 151

152 153

154 155 156 157

Raven appears (still very gothy) Dora's getting tired of the goth scene Steve distracts Marten with his boxers! Dora gets a gift from mom (Swedish "gift store"?) Officially see name of the shop on the window (COFFEE OF DOOM) as Faye chases Dora through the store Marten lays the sass down on Faye and Dora Dora flashes Marten! (and we see Dora's tattoo) "Lake of Fire Ass!" Dora has to do laundry (and Marten has had too much innuendo today) Indie Rock Couplet! CONTROL-ALT-DELETE! (doesn't seem to work for AnthroPC's) Faye kidnaps Dora to have fun… …and ends up locking her out of her apartment. Dora meets Pintsize, and the Insult Wars begin anew How to behave with a girl who's more metal than you Sleeping arrangements Pillow Talk between Dora and Faye (can't hear you zzzzz snoring so hard) Faye snores! Dora Farts! ("I slept well.") Admit a flaw, or punch you? The LANpark (a dog-walk for AnthroPC's) Ellninerr (L9R) gets a see-thru torso Sigur Ros and AnthroPC owner chat A near-reveal on the part of Faye – interrupted due to a laser blast Robotic Annihilation Insurance The Theory of Hipster Relativity! (The popularity of a band is directly inverse to the quality of its music; ergo, the best band in the world does not exist.) Paying the rent or going to the mall? Mall wins! Faye goes to the mall Why Faye does not use contractions …unless she's drunk. Faye's scar Dora and Raven – again; "Tell them I overdosed on black hair dye and died. I came back from the dead to feast on the stupidity* of the living." (Totally awesome. Can that really happen?) "You're making me hungry, Raven." [* - This line was changed, for some unknown reason, in QCV1] Dora visits Faye and Marten Marten the D&D nerd in high school GUEST STRIP (Stirling McLaughlin): Pintsize's JavaSmell Someone was caught staring at Martin's behind... ...and Marten is totally oblivious! Faye intends to convert Dora to Indie ways The Lemon Dress Daily Cleansing Rituals Dora listens to Flaming Lips Dora and Faye are having fun; Underwear Monopoly? Dora got too much sun "Mrs. Robinson" (Dora's 26) "An 8600 in a stock chassis" (kind of AnthroPC that Pintsize is); Dora the computer nerdette Kisses and butt grabs all around! (Not for Pintsize, though) Faye freaks at Dora touching her bottom… just as Special Agent Turing drops by from the Robotics Defense Agency of the US Government. Turns out Pintsize is a M-31 Battlefield Robot Chassis accidentally sent to the local Best Buy [Original was done in B/W; "colorized" for QCV1] Faye shows her self-defense moves Dora saves Pintsize by removing his laser "Space Owl" attacked you! Dora "knows" Alan Turing. They went to St. Agnes HS on Sunderland Street (in NoHo); she used to beat him up and take his cigarettes. Pintsize hugs – and what he goes for when he's first turned on... Sara's apparently still working at CoD (last mention by Dora); First time Faye calls Dora "spooky-pants"; Faye the Ice Cream Mercenary! Kentucky Bourbon Milkshake makes Faye sad… (reminds her of Dad) GUEST STRIP (Sam Logan): So much for the dramatic reveal... GUEST STRIP (Brian Carroll): Questionable Puppet Theater GUEST STRIP (Neil Gustavson): Kimberly Miller, Dora's old Goth friend.

158 159 160 161

162 163 164 165 166

167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177

178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210

GUEST STRIP (Aido, Fallen Comic): Faye made a mistake – uploading Raffi songs onto Pintsize! GUEST STRIP (John A, Scary Go Round): Faye and Marten go camping GUEST STRIP (Julie Keene): Dora and Faye play music Faye's parents' sex life; Marten's parents are:  A professional dominatrix (mom);  A gay nightclub owner (dad). …and she even has politicians as clients! Pintsize's first CosPlay with hair! Amanda shows up at CoD; Faye's little lesbian sister How mom found out (yep, she walked in on them) AND she swiped mom's credit card! "Did you know that your left ear twitches when you're contemplating tremendous violence? It's kinda cute." Amanda meets Dora (who we discover is bisexual) Steve gets filled in – and Amanda is driving Faye batty Coffee Beans are not comfy. Faye consoles Amanda... and Marten is tactful ("aerodynamically curvaceous") Amanda' girlfriend turns out to be Lil' Sis from Diesel Sweeties! "And I want my ##### Weezer poster back!" And just as Amanda was about to say when Faye last had a boyfriend! Mom's on the phone! "She is more furious than a mother bear whose cub was just sold on eBay, but she does not hate you." Sending her home, staying in the North, full body casts and paying the electric bill. "Vespa into a stop sign" (is that foreshadowing?) AnthroPC RPG: "Trolls and Flame Wars" "I live to serve your self-esteem, oh radiant goddess of utmost beauty." (Ooh! Say that again, but do it without rolling your eyes this time.) Arcade Fire's drummer guy The Weeping Demon bar Jimbo the Romance Novelist! Faye slowly gets fall on the floor drunk while Jimbo and Marten catch up Faye the Drunken Haiku Princess Beeblebrox's Gambit and drunk-logic "I been meanin' to thank you" ZzzzzazzzzzzzzzzZZZZZ The BAM and PUKE incident. "There. Is. No. God." What happened last night? "Gack... can't... breathe... must... rephrase... poorly-worded... previous... sentence..." Faye's "Dancing Alligator Underpants" Dora: "...grant him unrestricted access to one of your orifices." Pintsize: "It is hard to get a lady to evaluate to true." HA! Using a contraction no less! Ellen the waitress and Steve's "smooth moves" No phone number for Steve; Schadenfreude and Hostess metaphors. ...and Ellen outmaneuvers him! GUEST STRIP (Rikk Estoban): Skull Panda GUEST STRIP (Brian Carroll): Pintsize fails at uploading himself into Marten. GUEST STRIP (Scott Bevan/Kent Earle): Indie Travelling Wilburys GUEST STRIP (Jason Sigala): Jimbo takes over scripting QC! GUEST STRIP (Yuko "Aido" Ota, Fallen): Pintsize mistakes a microwave for a time machine! GUEST STRIP (Jim Burgess): Trolls and Flame-Wars again? Steve ropes Marten into a double date… with Dora? Faye: "Why is everyone staring at me?" Dora's comment about "Faux Incest" Faye cuts Marten's hair; "...Did you just use a contraction?" (Nathaniel Hawthorne costume?) " all I had to do to gain your trust was place my physical appearance in your hands?" "...This is DORA we're talking about. You may not make it out of the restaurant with your pants intact." Faye: "That stupid toaster!" Spaghetti and meatballs… and severe bleeding Faye goes to the hospital (Faye WHITAKER). ER Nurse offers to get her an "intern for surrogate punching" Doctor and the punching intern Lollipops, stitches, and Pintsize COVERED IN RED? (Oh, just tomato sauce) "...I don't explode cats. It's way too difficult to coax them into the microwave."


GUEST STRIP (Stirling McLaughlin): Faye doesn't do AnthroPC's. 212 Pintsize has a "chemical spectrometer linked to a holding tank in his torso"… which then leaks out. 213 Faye needs help with her... jeans? 214 Why such tight clothing? 215 The Double Date (and Saran Wrap Fashion Faux Pas) 216 "Taking two different girls to the hospital two nights in a row wouldn't look shady at all." [Old apartment number was "8"] 217 Dora's apartment (first time we see her without black clothing!) 218 Ellen comments on Dora's "boyish figure" (Foot in mouth for an hors d'ourvere?) 219 Ellen majoring in Marine Biology, minor in philosophy ("reading Derrida to Moray Eels") 220 Faye gets a little testy 221 Ellen doesn't like sushi 222 The guys go to the bathroom together? 223 Steve kicks Marten under the table (sign: "Get out of here so I can get my mack on, or bad things will happen.") "I don't know how he got the scorpions in the mattress…" 224 Dora: "Did Ellen seem a little… young to you?" Ellen (to Steve)"…uh, not after next Tuesday…" (she's only 17) 225 Dora invites Marten in to her "lair" 226 Dora grills Marten about Faye 227 Saying Faye has issues is like saying Antarctica is slightly chilly. (Mieville sneaks into the scene) 228 "Doesn't being your friend give me ass-grabbing privileges?" 229 "Too nice for my own good." 230 Nuniverse! 231 Ellen "got into college early." Steve is "Honest, sweet, intelligent and completely crass." 232 Faye: "The Godless North" 233 Why didn't Dora do anything? 234 Cyber Cybersex (Pintsize and awesoemPC1998) 235 Sorry I didn't mention about the age... 236 "You're so pathetic, some girl is bound to take pity on you eventually." 237 Dora: "I'm actually a platinum blonde!" 238 The OMG Turkeys make their debut! (2004) 239 Dora prefers being dark-haired, and it was a "just friends" date. 240 "Our culture doesn't get smarter, it just finds new ways of being retarded" 241 The Mandatory Winger Reference ("She's only seventeen/she gives you love like you've never seen…") 242 Ellen stops by CoD 243 Shower massaging Faye 244 Moray Eels and Gag reflexes 245 Dora: "Helmet have been gentrified. Good Lord do I ever feel old right now." 246 Pintsize blows himself! ("These pipes are clean!") Marten: "I'm 0 for 1 in practicing what I preach." 247 Get people to pay to sneer at them 248 Natasha appears (Ellen's roommate) – "Being filthy is WAY hardcore!" 249 Ellen is six years younger (that means Steve is 24); Nat: "…Guitarist BLED on me!" 250 The seed of doubt… 251 Cute pouty girl Dora! 252 Marten's ex-GF Vicky shows up at COD! MARTEN'S BACKGROUND STORY: 253 Yes, he's from Cali ("I swear, it's like I'm telling my life story to Statler and Waldorf.") 254 Happy Relationship Paranoia 255 "Life-altering decisions should never be made while drunk, dummy." 256 Sold his stuff for a place of his own 257 Dora: "No murdering customers in the store" 258 Faye gives Vicky a milk bath! [Re-done for QCV1] 259 Faye the Milk Ninja! [Re-done for QCV1] 260 Steve meets Natasha [Re-done for QCV1] 261 Nat: "Hard to make out if his head pops off…" 262 She's a virgin 263 ConquistaPorn! 264 Faye the Avenger; "A wheel of cheddar to the skull, a slab of gouda to the groin. Truly, (dairy) is the deadliest of the food groups." 265 Indie-rock band death pool!

266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303

304 305 306 307

308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320

Faye's Vision Quest (Was one of your parents a mole rat or something?) Pintsize catches a Virus AnthroPC safety diagnostics; The virus might have wiped out his memory! [Note on the fridge: The ham is not for you!] Personality Module loaded! (Aaaand he's back to normal...) "I learned that it is never a good idea to download SNES ROM's off of shady websites." (Metaphysical discussion and AnthroPC's) Faye goes shopping for glasses "I wear glasses because I think they look nice... Sometimes a cigar really is just a cigar..." Velma – the sex goddess? She got him at "huh buh duh wha?" Hobocore! Marten majored in Music History & Critical Theory Faye was the Art Major, emphasis in sculpture Steve & Ellen haven't done "The Secret Booty-Dance" yet! Raven turns Indie/Emo! Movin', movin', movin'… (Talking to the appliances) Pintsize wants a castle! 144 Dwight Street, Northampton (Ellen and Natasha's building) – too Friends-esque? Steve's gotta see a girl about some food Hiring Raven Faye: "Never underestimate the diuretic powers of coffee." [ A customer actually speaks!] Doctor Seuss does emo Marten meets Raven Moving in ("Steady job, good references, unlikely to molest other tenants.") "I am the Hope diamond of hipster girls." (You mean you're cursed?) The "Cave of Twenty Asses" Faye: "Are you sure you're not goth anymore?" Marten: "...My computer has more active love life than me." (Faye's drink of choice: "Midnight Hobo", mixed in old oil drums) Dora: "Murder is not the answer. You always suggest that." (to Mieville) Tolerance of a mole rat (Dora); "...Miss watching (Faye) slowly dissolve into a pool of pure ethanol?" Blueberry Boat, Fiery Furnaces Fun with Steve and Ellen (Murphy's Law of Sex) Ellen is a bit noisy Dora self-medicating with alcohol. Faye: "Ignore the fact that I am a pot calling your kettle-butt black…" "Commiserating in you commissary"; Ridicule Hat! [LAST PAGE OF QCVI] The furtive Secret Booty Dance (278) [FIRST PAGE OF QCVII] "It's so nice to be treated as an adult instead of some stupid teenager." (Alcoholic porcupine) Jerkcity poster in the kitchen! Pintsize "gets laid"! Ellen: "The university has a couple of AnthroPC's for the library. They make fun of you if you try to get actual work done on them." Ellen talks about Connect Four and Octopi; Marten: "I found Jesus. Turns out he was in the kitchen this whole time." "You were joking?" Southern Doom-metal, Eye candy, Emaciated Slide Rules and Flying Indie-boys in NASA Faye's Scar – the explanation: Bad car accident, wrapped her car around a tree. Dora makes first obscure reference to Sven (her "older brother" dared her to moon a dog – and it bit her in the butt) Outsarcasmed! Promise to Faye Duct Tape Pintsize! (Duct tape was supposed to be the "Fourth Law of Robotics") Menstrual Discussion plan (when you became my friend); "$15.99 a month and you'll get the Digestive Issues Bulletin package!" Apartment manager Lorena Torres It's a corner apartment, lot of room and windows Pintsize and a Great Dane Apartment 25 Incontinent kitten: Endearing, but you don't want it on top of you. Metal boyfriends, intelligence and the Socratic Method Confusion, Lust and Uncertainty Triangle; Rhombus of Rejection! Or is it non-Euclidean Geometry? Marten: "That's the cheat code to turn God Mode on." Mating plumage!

321 322 323

324 325 326 327 328

329 330

331 332 333 334 335 336 337

338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355

356 357 358 359 360 361 362 363 364 365 366 367 368 369 370 371 372

GUEST STRIP (Mitch Clem): Rap's been getting pretty big in Indie Circles lately. The Aloof Sneer of the Alpha Female Indie Chick "Do you ever wonder how much of this stuff people actually enjoy, and how much they just think they like because PitchFork or whoever says it was good?" "Nappy McTurtleneck", the Pretentious Record Store Dude Raven's Specials (and Sara makes one last "appearance" – doesn't like Allosaurs?) Gepetto Cafe Equipoise and a Southern Faux Pas Sven meets Raven; talk about a Sadomasochistic Hockey League? (The dog that bit Dora in the butt was Mrs. Goldstein's Chihuahua.) Faye meets Sven; Dora's mom is Swedish, dad is Italian; dad wanted to name him Joseph after his uncle, but she overruled him. Sven's county music songwriting skillz:  "You Stole My Heart, You Stole My Dog, But You Ain't Gonna Steal My Chevy"  "Me an' You and a Gun Rack For Two"  "Red Neck, White Truck, Blue Jeans" Faye sees Raven's drawings Indie Cred – Marten vs. Sven Faye babysits "Trainee McUselessPants" Raven Faye: "YOU. ARE. NOT. FLIRTING. WITH MARTEN." Emo Dora (Baby Harp Seal on a Down Pillow; Stab Faye?) Faye's called on her bitchiness! Vivanca (Sven's latest conquest); Dora: "NO MORE HITTING ON MY FRIENDS!" (Sven's a year older than Dora) "Jenny Ackerman stopped talking to me in the 11th grade!" Sven: "She spent the 12th grade in the back of my car…" Doing the Robot thing (The contractions disappear when Faye's upset) awesoemPC1998 wasn't a lady, he was all MAN, man! (sorry, Pintsize…) Faye: Shoot me now before I metaphor again! (Faye goes emo!) Caveat Amplexus. Marten: "Really? Sweet, let's bang!" Raven really was cowering in back. And ignore those phone calls from PETA. Brainful o'Issues with new Oedipal Marshmallow bits! Nietzsche O's – one bite and you'll believe God is dead. Back to her usual sassy self... but no hugs. The concept of a little gay robot couple is unbearably adorable. Gender is set in software itself of APC's; Faye is on "coitus hiatus." "Fiery electromagnetic Destroyosaurs" Moping and power ballads! Faye is having body issues; Faye: "There are no save points when it comes to ladies." "I must not laugh. Laughter is the Marten killer…" Faye splits seams Chubby Emo Butt "Aww, you'd martyr yourself for the sake of my self-esteem? How sweet." Faye: "Marten, are you gay?" Marten: "Not last time I checked, no." Faye (to mom): "The Peaches are NOT RIPE." Server: "Kidnapping desert with assault and battery sprinkles" Ellen is "propositioned by a porpoise" (okay, actually a dolphin) Raven changes (again) Faye gets ironic Café Bang-bang (new Tapas place on Elm) Customer hits on Dora; "Reflexive Tense Misuse!" Horribly Off-Key Street Musician (playing Dylan badly and drinking Mad Dog 20/20) Guys hitting on Dora Raven makes a near fatal mistake: Surprise Hug and Tickle Attack! Faye apologizes for flipping Raven? (Dora and Raven tag tickle her!) Faye is the porch light to Marten's Moth. Waiter at Café Bang-bang is Amir! Nat recognized him; she kicked his tooth out at a concert. Hardcore vs. Indie concerts Apocalyptica and covers of other bands with different instruments Ice Cream Indie Metaphor. "Dora Fro!" Raven's hair gel is… AstroGlide? Mandatory "Head Banging" pun. Lubey Junk

373 374 375 376 377 378 379 380 381 382 383 384 385 386 387 388 389 390 391 392 393 394 395 396 397 398



401 402 403 404 405 406 407 408 409 410 411 412 413 414 415 416


418 419

420 421 422

What the tip jar is for (Pizza!); Red Period, Blue Period Pizza Girl to the rescue! (Penelope?) Dora and Marten's "matching" hairstyle Customer – the "prototype" for Angus? Blodwyn Raven (Pritchard; Raven hates her first name); Welsh for "girl who gets made fun of all the time" Dora sets up her server for Marten Marten gets ASSertive with Faye! …and a fractured skull Five Fingers of Death! "Cynical, calculating and sexy." Life condensed by cardboard (moving out of the Blue Apartment) "Solid Snake" reference; It's illegal to put AnthroPC's up for sale online, like toxic waste and nukes Last night on this couch? Oh, that's right… I can haz bed plz? You don't ask Pintsize to help move. The tight terrycloth shorts. Dora: "You know how animals can sense a tsunami before it hits? I'm like that with sexy things." "Sonic hip attack!" Moving in and "the motor oil incident" Not much to move (Esoteric monks who brew their own beer) Do you REALLY want Natasha in your apartment? "You're starting to think like a woman!" Ellen rips on Nat behind her back to Amir (makes up for 260) Marten: "Arranging furniture is easy when you're fortified with alcohol." Steve "deflowered their lavatory" Ellen doesn't do Indie Steve's dad has been married and divorced what, four times? Get a BED! Mieville peed in Dora's sneakers Dora: "…you could always start sleeping with Marten… I'll start sleeping with him, you take my bed." Mieville bites toes while asleep Pizza Girl orders a Double Mocha; "Is the Chinese Delivery Man spreading lies about me again?" (Stan Lee is spinning in his grave – if he wasn't still alive) Successful mattress shopping; "Oh, sure, and the Declaration of Independence might have implied that the colonists were slightly miffed with King George." Pintsize hiding from bed delivery guys; "They think I assassinated Kennedy… the MTV VeeJay." Pintsize's "list" (#472 is his favorite) Rabbit Food and Viking Berserkers Faye uses the phone number of the Gay Nightclub on Pleasant as a "fake" GUEST STRIP (Little Gamers): Marten talks to the carafe? GUEST STRIP (Scott Bevan & Kent Earle): Took the wrong nuts. GUEST STRIP (Kidnemo): OMG ZOMBIES! GUEST STRIP (Jason Sigala): Jimbo's at it again (Dora/Amanda slashfic!) GUEST STRIP (Mitch Klem): Dream, dream, dream on (Though that middle one sounds plausible…) Raven's Tattoo (Kanji for "Princess") Faye is the dragon protecting Marten's Castle (especially if she's had Indian food) Pintsize goes British! Dora comes over [Note on door: DANGER: OUTSIDE WORLD LIES BEYOND THIS DOOR] How much is Pintsize being goofy, and how much is it really a commentary on US society? Dora takes his bowler hat; "Guard your Bosoms" (which Dora does for Faye!) Dora: "…We like the fact that we can actually horse around with you a little bit without having to fear for our lives."; and then, Marten realizes something… Faye decides to decorate her room; Pintsize: "Dear God, Martha Stewart's blood must never be shed or it will usher in the Apocalypse! "Ladies HATE the voice of reason." Venti Schmenti; they charge a 15% markup for BS faux authentic terms (Dora still has the bowler on, by the way) "We cater to people who like their coffee strong, fair trade and free of soulless corporate pretension. Also through threats and sexy intimidation." Dora's day-glo pink shirt and Mythic Slaughterbeast on the sound system ("Tolkien on PCP") Tube-top Dora; Raven? Getting PAINT? (Interior Design Major?) This is all a dream, right, Faye? Got the paint, but what about the rollers and drop cloths?


424 425 426 427 428 429 430 431


433 434


436 437 438 439 440 441 442 443 444 445 446 447

448 449 450 451 452 453 454

455 456 457 458 459 460 461 462 463 464 465

466 467 468

Raven's lime-green VW Beetle – graduation present from her parents; they're from Houston. Dad's a rocket scientist and Mom's a physicist. She worked at Wal-Mart one summer (and hated it) Shop like Puritans have sex; Raven likes to BEEP! Raven didn't BEEP, and Faye didn't have a bra on when Marten came in! Raven succumbs to the fumes (or is she speaking in tongues?) AnthroPC housewarming party! "I'm not feeling well, I'm gonna go get some tech support." WHAT? AnthroPC jokes! End of the Robodebauchery. Parent who can turn your power switch off. $400 in cash from the robots! Faye (with headscarf): "Marten, there's a satanic librarian at the door; should I let her in or throw some Holy Water while shouting some Hail Marys?" Marten's Mom: "Marty's dad's lawyer tried to do that. I still won the divorce proceedings." Business convention (in Northampton???); his mom called him in sick from work for a week for eating "questionable shellfish" (that might "come up again"). Run-in with child services when he took her bondage gear in for show and tell… Faye's mom just told her dad that she only got to "second base" with Richie Wilson in dad's car… "Miss Reed"; Dad's sock drawer had "Marine Manwich" Dad's name: Henry Reed, owns a nightclub in Miami; theirs was a marriage of convenience. He's been seeing with a "Marcel" for the last couple of years (oops… maybe mom forgot it was "Maurice"?) Dora recognizes Marten's Mom: VERONICA VANCE! "Queen of Bondage and Fetish Erotica for like fifteen years! Like a nouveau Bettie Page." "Oh man, I've seen Marten's mom naked!" (Katamari Damacy theme!) "LUKE! I AM YOUR SISTAH!" "Bumbling Sweetheart" from Dad Explains Marty & Faye's relationship Lunch with Mom Dora lunch, Faye Dinner Phone set on vibrate... and it was your father, Marty. Dora's from Northampton; used to live in Florida for a while. Marty's been emasculated by a cat? Harem of intelligent hot girls! Raven gets sarcastic The repartee between Dora and Faye ("I'd take your skinny ass out!") Faye has issues over Marty's mom Mom's verdict: Dora's a sweetheart, Faye's your type. Jenny Smith beat him up in Kindergarten… and what's Pintsize doing with a gimp mask? Marten: glorified Kinko's employee Costume party for AnthroPC's? Decorating COD; "Badger to the face" And Therapy. Raven returns with comfy chairs! Bonus points for liking Slayer, but "weird, idiosyncratic pop" doesn't do it for Dora. And start fanning. Woody Allen like Buddha? All life isn't suffering! Raven: "I just figured you were a bitch!" Faye: "I had a nervous breakdown… …the scar was from a car accident. …I had the nervous breakdown while driving the car…" Mom comes in. Delicious Muscle Tissue! (And suddenly, mom's a Vegan.) Steven Tyler (lead singer for Aerosmith) hit on Marten's mom? "Grouper with a bad haircut and a coke habit." Faye's a sculptor. Just moved up here a few months ago (comic time; roughly a couple of months before strip #1) Mom threatens Faye on the order of Hieronymus Bosch Printing her memoirs… Big royalty checks or booty calls? Yes, Veronica is her first name. So, you want to hear the story of my mental breakdown? (NO! – too bad, you will in 38 strips) Pintsize: "I RETURN VICTORIOUS AT EVEN PLANCKLENGTH SCALE!" Using his torso for a cereal bowl? Marten doesn't smoke and hates Katamari. Pintsize's arms are "all containedfield magnetics." Marten Bloggorz! Raven's a pot head! Laptop and a broadsword behind the counter at COD.

469 470 471 472 473

Funny hat day! Ellen broke up with Steve. "Too clingy." Ellen's crying Steve's drunken binge "Dude, I am trying to be your friend here but from what I can tell you've made a class-A dumbass of yourself." 474 The Tequila Monster! 475 GUEST STRIP (Jamie McGarry, Lunchbreak Toons) A Chilling Vision of the Future (Baby Pintsize?) 476 Bastard Offspring of a distillery and a paper mill 477 Li'l Stevie Ray Vaughn! 478 Ellen: "Can't stalk him with my course load." 479 Downloading songs "illegally"; DON'T MENTION THE KILLERS! 480 Ellen: "So, Marten… got any other cute friends?" Dora: "Heh, she has no idea how close to death she came." Faye: "I. DON'T. KNOW. WHAT YOU'RE. TALKING. ABOUT!" (as she's got her hands clenched to grab Ellen by the throat) 481 Marriage: "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here!" (Mawwage! Twue Wuv!) 482 Dora: "Can't you hipster kids enjoy anything without being concerned about its cultural trappings?" 483 Ben & Jerry's, Bad Horror Movies and Booze at Bianchi's! 484 Faye's gonna be left all alone (Raven counts as "all alone"); Faye doesn't do heels ("awkward, wobbly and you know it can only end in tears"). 485 Nat and Amir form a band! (And rope Marten into joining!) 486 Practice space over on Ward Avenue 487 Shirley Temples get Raven drunk (and topless?) 488 Raven becomes a therapist? 489 Oops, Raven lives on the other side of Main Street! 490 Raven meets Pintsize 491 "Let's Bang!" (again) 492 Nude Monkeys and shooting things from volcanoes... 493 Mieville vs. Raven (Mieville wins!) 494 Raven's trapped by Mieville at Dora's place (Faye: "The EMT had a cute butt.") 495 Raven's not inhibited! (grabbing Marten's ass?) 496 Raven passed out on Dora's couch. 497 Naughty thoughts of Raven! 498 OMG Turkeys 2005! (their second appearance) 499 Indie Bands devolve into the Grateful Dead as they age THE TALK 500 Faye: "Marty? Do you like me?" 501 "I can't be your Object of Affection…" 502 Dad and Faye were very close; killed Kenny Wallace's goldfish in fifth grade; Kenny Wallace took her virginity in 12th grade in a Buick (Marten's was in a VW Golf) 503 The Whitaker Clan (Faye, Dad, Mom, Amanda); memories of the bourbon in the Milkshake, the secret they shared. 504 What happened to dad on that one morning. 505 The aftermath. 506 The nervous breakdown. 507 Up to date; this all happened two years ago (Faye moved up to NoHo about 8 months ago, ST); she never finished college 508 Why she can't be in a relationship. "If trauma were that easily dealt with, psychologists would work pro bono." 509 Marten says his piece 510 Pintsize in the freezer with waffles. Mmm, waffles. 511 Dora gets the condensed version of the talk. (Davin and Nancy from Something Positive cameo in the background) "YOU IDIOT!... we don't need more skinny cute homo men!" 512 Marten: "Faye and I had a chat." Steve: "I'll get my coat." 513 Jimbo returns 514 Jenny runs away SCREAMING 515 So drunk, Marten doesn't realize he's peeing in the ladies room… Much to Hannelore's amusement (and she's smokin' in the girls' room!; You can tell she has circles under her eyes) 516 Ladies Night at the Purple Opossum – Sven's Weekly Acoustic set 517 Hanners: "I haven't slept in four days… counting the hairs on her head. Got up to 10,456" Hot chick to overtly crazy. 518 Corey Hart (and confusing Raven) 519 Raven shows Sven her "appreciation" 520 Hannelore: Severe OCD; been in therapy since she was 11. Steve: "Captain Manbitch of the SS Whipped". Hanners' Homicidal tendencies side comes out; Praying Mantis

" 541 That Raccoon! (scared Faye by back dumpster) "I could lop off a hand with that thing! (spatula)". even if you don't mean it? "I'm going to smile and nod. you polished off a box of donuts. Two strangest: Grains of sand and a husband's back hairs." Dora's in his lap again.....521 522 523 524 525 526 527 528 529 The puke and man-butt story. Amanda meets Faye at SAV (Savannah International) Mom Whitaker! Faye's favorite: BLT on toast with Potato Salad and Sweet Tea..." Goin' home to yell at dad. Mexico? Raven Celebrates! Pintsize gives Marten his condoms (SPERMICIDAL?) Faye is greeted with COFFEE! Steve & Ellen (wow." Hanners wakes up Pintsize was in. now Old Faye would pummel one of you until you confessed to whatever you're scheming. can we NOT have sex? Faye visits dad.. not so much. this apartment would be Lake Michigan. gonna play rock star?" (Dora sits in Marty's Lap – much to Faye and Marten's surprise) 550 Marten: "What's the best way to piss off an indie rock snob? Actually enjoy music.. [FIRST PAGE OF QCVIII] Goin' to the cemetery Root for the psychopath in the hockey mask. 530 570 571 572 573 574 575 576 577 578 579 580 581 582 583 584 585 586 587 588 589 590 591 592 593 594 595 596 597 598 599 600 601 602 603 604 605 606 607 608 "It is a very good thing there's nobody around to see my crafty little grin.." Happy Dora Grin – and the Freaking Out Dora Grimace Helpful Hannelore (Sock drawer?). can't you move in? Minimalist interior to her apartment. they're still a couple?) find out about Marty Want you to be happy and stuff AND punch your lungs out the back of your ribcage And then. Winslow: "Math is delicious!" Makeout Hobo! David Lee Roth and the Buddha Aunt Bettie thinks you're going to Hell. who's that in the background – Helen Narbon and Dave Davenport from Narbonic? (Meanwhile. Marten: "Uh." Dora's Relationship Checklist: "Hey. Raven doesn't get the appeal of Axe. Dora: "It kisses the boy or it gets the hose again!" 558 Hannelore falls asleep on the couch THE PLOT BEGINS. Dora: "Part of me is the happiest girl in the world. Explanation. Raven encourages Marten to go for Dora 542 Marten and Dora – go get lunch! Faye – go look for a therapist! Raven – is a taskmaster! 543 As Marten and Dora walk the streets of Northampton." 540 Indonesian Fighting Spoon! Malaysian Battle Spatula! Dora: "I'm Here For You. Dora: "I'm just as angsty as I used to be. dating lives of the Olympic Pantheon 548 Is it "Proportionally endowed?" (Restroom of DOOM! sign in background) 549 Dora: "Oooh. "Dora's giving me her no look. but in reality they rarely work well. because I am utterly failing to conceal it. 533 First girl you bring home… …you're the one who vacuums at 4 in the morning. "If you don't want it. they have a ceiling fan!) Hanners on the couch! Hanners on the couch! …and Faye shows up. 539 Faye: "Okay. which she suspected THE BITCH IS GONNA HAVE TO EARN IT.. you live here?" Hanners: "…unless I've been STALKING YOU!. Makeout sex before Trips? RAVEN! You're NOT HELPING. looks like a talking oversized iPod." Mom won't remarry Turn off Pintsize. they die of shock? I'm like that. WINSLOW! AnthroPC by Apple. Now. that was easy. only with romance. Pintsize ESCAPES from the Freezer! Mutant Ice Powers? Marten: "Wait. Pizza with even number of toppings. Your resignation is creepier than my poor taste in humor..... Dora: "He and I are both pretty bony. but I like your style!") GUEST STRIP (Zach. he woke up. Marten: "If irony were water.. Raven "beamed her number to Sven using her mind" (The psychic equivalent of a broken 14. "When Bob Creedy's dog bit you." 534 Marten: "My life is weird. (next to a James and Julia DOWSON) They slept together (but no sex). (Sex? Her? NO! Eww!) "Scrabble Roofies!" "Having you spelling MURMULE.. you only need to have that kink sprung on you ONCE before you start asking in advance!" Uh." "The bellyache from the donuts hurt more than the stitches. yes. we can." [2006] Sven offers to keep Faye OCCUPIED. Treat him right and don't steal him away from me entirely. If she's out.... I just try to hide it more now. Marten: "I'm basking in the moment. Faye asks her for therapist suggestions 545 Double Entendre Jokes (Hurr hurr.. The Alan Sparhawk Project – no." Blonde Waitress has heard this before." 536 Raven encourages Dora to set the TRAP! 537 Faye deconstructs the true meaning of any classic rock tune. F###ING IDIOT." (Tried to do Indie music: "Met You In A Coffee Shop") She counts stuff. Hanners invites him to play Scrabble... No last-minute makeouts. Pintsize keeps logging in to my Ethernet and taunting him with Horse porn. both of them went through the World-hating phase." 551 Faye: "I'd thank you if I thought you were being the slightest bit altruistic.. DEATHMØLE! 555 Dora and Faye drag Hanners out of her apartment. just to be safe Farts and Sex [LAST PAGE OF QCVII] Threesomes are a lot like Communism – they're a great idea on paper. swordfights) 546 Hanners little doll of Marten! (Voodoo doll? "If I say no does it mean I get to now?" 547 Marten's a giant panda. "Crazier than a mule on a Ferris Wheel" The Protocol of Coffee of Doom Pintsize and Winslow fill Hanners in Mom – You have no idea why? "LOVING HUSBAND. "That is NOT funny!" Where he tried to stick Lil' Stevie last night.. BURNGSU and RMNXTW in no time! Isaac Brock was a cranky little biatch to Sven. Faye: "It's like talkin' about blowjobs with your mom. only dirtier and less cryptic.." 538 We see Dora's tattoo… and Mieville (who finally gets a name in this strip) is high on catnip. "I'm like the Oracle of Delphi.) 544 Hanners visits COD for the first time. Marten needs breath mints and a helmet. "Oh.." Dora: "She's got fewer calories but just as much body as the original." Marten: "Welcome to the club. Mom is on anti-anxiety pills Some jokes come off as creepy.4 modem) 532 (Hey. Raven dieted and got boys to notice her.." 552 MAD ROBO-BEATBOXING SKILLZ! 553 The Rehearsal Space 554 15 Year Anthem. but another part thinks I'm a horrible bitch." MOM! Seein' a shrink. You do not mess with Dora's no look. what about Faye? (No Necro makeouts!) Marten tells Faye the truth (at four in the morning)." 535 Faye powered by CAFFEINE! Better off "laughing at it.. TWO FRIGGIN DAYS??? "Figurative" loose leaf paper." Dora: "Please never use those two words in the same sentence ever again. I just put out first. 556 Hanners is in Apartment 36 (Faye & Marten are in 26?) 557 Hanners gives Faye the number of her Therapist.." Up on the roof (carcass jokes) SHE KISSES THE BOY! A real Dora kiss is roughly 11 times more discombobulating. Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham. Let me go get Faye's Tazer…" "Immobilize Crazy Girl setting?" Creepy stalker girl! 559 560 561 562 563 564 565 566 567 568 569 SHZZAP! (Pintsize: "I don't know who you are. DEVOTED FATHER. Animals Have Problems): How to Rip Off QC 531 Midnight Hobos for Faye. how'd you know my last name?. Think I'll be off to Savannah (GA) for a few days.... Amanda is NOT "lez" because of Dad." – Dora Bianchi Black trench coats and black hoodies – reproducing asexually? Blue-hair Diner Waitress (and Jeph cheap-shots Australians) Raven's stretch marks are the Frosh 15+.. Rational." ." Raven: "Haha! I BET you are. "You know how if you feed a starving person too much too fast. Cinderblock on the toilet seat (Pintsize tried to stow away) Dora with the "Indie Librarian" look. while everyone's distracted..

right) GUEST STRIP (Kidnemo): Oops. gladiatorial death-match) Faye's Worry (Going back to Massachusetts? Actually. Assertive as a Manatee on codeine AnthroPC Party! (Poor Hanners!) The aftermath of the party (and Marten's first warning about Hanner's tendency to flail around when she freaks out)." (Blonde ER Nurse) Marten's job search begins CoD hiring (part 2) Cayenne Coffee! Faye tells Dora about Sven. Karma's a bitch. or $30 grand for a song? Surprise." Meh." Meanwhile. who cuts to the chase about her family:  Both parents massively wealthy. he's not worth it. Corrine about Dad. I'll handle the sexing!) YOU ARE NOT TAG-TEAMING MY BROTHER! Tai the Librarian.609 610 611 612 613 614 615 616 617 618 619 620 621 622 623 624 625 626 627 628 629 630 631 632 633 634 635 636 637 638 639 640 641 642 643 644 645 646 647 648 649 650 651 652 653 654 655 Self-medicate with unhealthy food and capitalism. Equal Rights for Robots! "What. "Uncle Danny still falls for it!" (The fake crying trick) "Same plumage" Ellen (while on Steve's lap) tells about Natasha's drinking. Bunny): What if Pintsize ran Coffee of Doom? DRAGGING MARTEN INTO IT! (Knuckle crack #1) "Dumpsters six blocks apart!" Inept Indie-boy ways..) Scott (to Marten): "Welcome back! You're fired!" Scott's off to Spain. Gen and Marty. sneaks out through the window… to Faye saying. "So Sven makes you HORNY?" Sven "apologizes to Genevieve (Knuckle crack #2) "A for effort. and have RESPONSIBILITY?" Wait. surprise: Hanners likes Bach. if you have bad OCD. GET ME TO A SONIC! Marty has enough uteruses in his life. B for beatings. hate each other  Mom has estates all over the world  Dad spends most of his time on the space station (WHA? "He has his own space station. the greatest bar game of all – the S###ty Bar Videogame!) Marten breaks out the Wang jokes! Are you hitting on me? You're not very good at this. Smith College Williston Library. it's cheaper) Dora: "I promise I'll be good and let you get some sleep. I came down here because super-intelligent orbital defense satellites are good for casual conversation but (not much for) useful therapy.) Marty: I NEED TO STAY OUT OF MY APARTMENT." O'Surly's bartender (female): "Sorry. he's employed. "…Betcha I do." (Raven: you handle the beatings. Lobotomy jokes! Coffee of Doom is Busy! Where's Raven? (Angus first appearance?) That's not her! "Bigger Boobs. Rorschach: "NO SARCASM PLEASE" They found Raven (with a McPedro from Girls With Slingshots TShirt?) Customer: "I'm here for the indifference as much as the espresso." Dora's Worry (Her over you? No. "Raven Pritchard thinks you're a hottie!" (gives Sven her "card") AnthroPC Message Board with photos of Owners in Compromising Positions. that's right." Faye: "…house cat staring down a bengal tiger. Campus library is hiring! Nat: "caught passed out topless on the copy machine… and apparently went through a ream of paper…" "Hot Goth Booty in the Coffee Shop" Pintsize and molesting Nat's keyboard? "Sexist towards musical instruments" Therapy went well." Marten: "I think that would entail at least one of us being in restraints. (Why not find a new one?) Raven volunteers to pick up Faye at the airport! (Pay her by the hour. Sven's cornered in the men's room at the pub! GUEST STRIP (Chris Hastings and Kent Archer): Pintsize is cruel with CD jackets GUEST STRIP (Julie Keene): Dora's Day Off! (and a subtle visit to Starbucks) GUEST STRIP (Jason Sigala): Raven's a Robot! GUEST STRIP (Jim Burgess): Indiana Pintsize saves the day! GUEST STRIP (Ryan North & Liz Greenfield): Dinosaur and The End Of QC (Yeah. That's actually where I grew up. Corrine Buenvenida. name on wall) Recursive vomiting. Ibiza w/boyfriend Raven does the crying trick to get out of a ticket.. Scone with a cookie in it. Genevieve is her name."  Crazy as hell and richer than the average Saudi prince and from friggin' SPACE! "I've been waiting three years for this strip!" . Dora explains: "coasts by on charms and good looks… he needs a girl like you to beat some sense into him. (O'Surly's Pub. and Hanners is scrubbing off a layer or two of skin (again) Real Dolls with AI? Dora Dreams of Mark McGwire (while Marten dreams of a comfy chair) Smoking. I ordered a Latte?" CarrotPickle Espresso Monstrosity Hanners Plays the Roomba with her Robots… and it attacks Pintsize! (Smart vacuum!) . he got served by Hillary Rodham Clinton! Sven's a "pack of Oreos" Whiskey on the job DEATHBOT 9000! DEATHBOT MET WIL WHEATON ONCE! DEATHBOT HAS INTERNET GIRLFRIEND FROM CANADA! Jimbo's new venture Reverse alcoholism? Pintsize modded the couch! CONDOMS???? Faye dreads her first session with the therapist Dr. she just ate a lot of chlorophyll.. Sven. Islands? "I'm just waiting for the right moment to jump in with a peninsula joke." [Coffee with a scone in it. why ear piercings and smoking? "A girl has to have some glaring contradictions in her life. Joy of Self-stimulation? Gary Coleman slashfic??? GUEST STRIP (Scott and Kent." "Some drunk hipster chick on a Vespa plowed straight into me. Sven: "The new era has been postponed until tomorrow." We're the new "hip/not hip place to fulfill your caffeine jones"… Raven: "…Faye's been laughing maniacally for ten minutes now…" Faye at her WORST! Dora's never seen as many tear-stained dollar bills since her dad hired a stripper for her Uncle's funeral 656 657 658 659 660 661 662 663 664 665 666 667 668 669 670 671 672 673 674 675 676 677 678 679 680 681 682 683 684 685 686 687 688 689 690 691 692 693 694 695 The Insult Vampire. meanwhile. "…I WILL turn the hose on you. Why can't I do that? "Uh. alone again.Jeph Nat smells… earthy Pintsize and Winslow." GUEST STRIP (Lem. Your ### with a hamster in it] Cornbread! Amanda's the "sane" daughter… but Faye's punches STILL HURT. "I'll go put on my bike helmet. Marten comes in. "Therapy Sisters!" "…We should have seen it coming. people!" The Sass Talk Pulls 'Em In! (Customer points out review in local indie rag) "Bitchy Barista Babes Brandish A Bevy of Breathtaking Bean Blends" Dora: "This must be what Mark Hamill feels like at Sci-fi conventions" Faye tells Dr. last call". Get the sodium pentothal and rope! Josh from Marketing starting a Mailroom Cart Racing League! CoD gets the news: He's unemployed. OCD and Marten's Couch Hummers." CoD – now hiring? Nat & Amir visit CoD. Marten overdid it. "Light fuse and get away" "I've got that bastard cornered now. no. White Ninja): Pintsize TMNT? Hanners Hacks Her Hair." Faye's on her way home! (…and suddenly she's drinking again. excuse me." Deathmøle and Unicorns! Faye trims Hanners. Amir's "too f### to drunk" Oh yeah. Marten gets a shove from Sven (SBV. "Is there a reason why (the application) is written in iambic pentameter?" YOU'RE HIRED! (Librarian humor) He got a job! (Bartending at a convent?) Faye's not jealous. Faye is hoisted by her own gag reflex joke petard! Hanners puts extra RAM in Pintsize (like giving a three-year old a can of Red Bull) PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE! Instead of epees we use Smartassery! THERE'S A KATYDID IN MY BURRITO! Living in the future.

Tai ≠ polyamory. incredibly sexist towards BOTH genders. Jill. James Beam himself (Glowing bottle?) (Is that Jeph as the Liquor Store Guy?) Faye: EVERYTHING'S BLUESHIFTED! "May cause you to get religion.") Chris is his name. Steve and Ellen broke up again …and just as Steve was hitting on a girl. Tai has her own social circle Faye: "I wish I had someone to cuddle and watch movies with me. "Deep sea research vessel." Dora = ." Angus goes FLYING! Bartender: "Is your friend looking for work? We could use a bouncer…" His name: Angus McPhee. whether or not you'd kill him when you found out…" April 14th and a bet about getting laid… Tai: You don't look like a lead guitarist. Tai has a case of Angst-septis (needing Dramabiotics) Bailey ≠ monogamy." Bourbon Bobcat (aka "Beast of Bourbon") VESPA AVENGER! Ani DiFranco at a frat party. body fat percentage. B for Bitchdetta. only rude and obsessed with pornography Penelope's indoctrination Witty Banter – from burritos to cleavage to saddlebags to Joan of Arc to schizophrenia to better cell phone coverage in Hell to YouTube videos." Sven: "Spider sense… tingling!" (Bimbo: That's just my chapstick…) more late-night HBO for you." (Mumbling Pizza Place Guy) Dora: "…this was the exact point when it all went to Hell. and mating season (Penelope strikes back!) Penelope and the term "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" I am NOT crazy! "That's just what I'd expect a CRAZY PERSON to say!" Pintsize has a peace offering for the Roomba ("void all of your warranties. Plate Glass Window Pintsize gives everyone thongs for Christmas! [B/W] GUEST STRIP (Eric." (yeah. Jenna. that was fast… I work here now. first lines): "…miss the days before all popular" He doesn't even drink the coffee! Ten drinks and your next is get the #### out. ".] Hanners: "One slice of cheese please and go easy on the carcinogens. "Mistake Whiskey" Bad decision checklist (Ellen's last appearance) Angus gave her his phone number. not named... Then she. by Rutherford Wainwright Ashecrofte – aka Jimbo! Angus (still unnamed): "Where's the Cranky Brunette?" Daily Dose of Contrariness. pile of ladies! Dora catches Faye with only a towel and a toothbrush. Faye & Marten break in. polyamory and the single lesbian. Bourboncat: "Four bottles of vermouth before Gary the Nine Foot Pterodactyl shows up.. and the most entertaining thing I've read all year!" That dude who always comes in… 19th Century Porn? Introducing Tai to Jimbo – and Penelope's "vice" Dora the Warmth Vampire! "A good corpse desecration joke" Others who've seen Dora naked (and Tai hits on Dora?) "The entirety of our culture is a vast conspiracy manufactured by the diamond cartels!" Marty warns Tai about Faye Adorable Butch Girl! Jimbo: "Wait. Internet is like Kim Peek (aka "Rain Man"). poorly written. Hanners: "Oh. last "costumed" delivery character). The Lion proverbs (Mess with the lion…) Sven is CHANG-ing his WAYS! And then Eva came along." VespaBot! Pain… level… SHATNERIAN… in…intensity! Pintsize tosses bricks! Deus Ex Machina – literally! Vespa Avenger takes a pounding "O'Malley is high as hell!" (NoHo po-po) Agent Turing returns! Illegal possession of a Combat Robot. Bailey. How long do you think this existential crisis is gonna take?" . Insubordinate "half the charm of working here!" "Hall booty is bad booty": Serena. what? You LIKED it?" Gonzo Romance Novelizing! Hunter S.. TAKE A PICTURE! Class-action lawsuit. or Southern Spicy BBQ? (customer with the Elvis hair) Mom sends Marty a package: "I AM THE PRETTIEST PRINCESS" t-shirt! Elephant seals.") Chariot race with the Roomba! (off the edge of the stairs) Get a toothpick for Hanner's Hard Reset Button OMG Turkeys 2006! Chinese Delivery Guy! (non-speaking role." Finest Bourbon Whiskey! Distilled Essence of Mr. Tai: "Trashy. Drusilla of Boreheim Manor. and Tai's roommate Bri (Brianna?)." ($4. corsets. Pintsize isn't very clear on what happens at girl's colleges. Ashley. Medium. I'd want his phone number!" VA: "Hang on.. Can't set them on fire with your mind Marten gave a girl a frog in 3rd grade – now she's a herpetologist! Pintsize goes Dadaist They're Fuzzy! Ellen apologizes. Thompson would be proud Dora & Faye "Girl Talk" Entre nous Angus Too stupid and self-centered to realize she doesn't enjoy matching wits with him. enumerated index of psychological issues) Raven's got massive ZITS on her forehead! Hanner's Roomba hates Marten! Winslow's existential crisis (part 1) Winslow's existential crisis (part 2) Another Pintsize cosplay: Samurai Pintsize-san! Raven's Hair Gel (Dora goes faux punk rock) "Ogami Itto" Robonibocho Angus (still not named. I AM NOT PIZZA GIRL! I already have a job! I work at a bookstore! You people are INSANE! Shanghaied into working at a coffee shop? She HATES romance novels." Bailey appears. but Pen is drawing a blank. Sven: "This is like beaning someone coming out of an AA meeting with a bottle of 20-year-old scotch." Faye & Hanners passed out.65 Fayes (Complicated formula of cup size.. www. offer her a gig in Research & Development Swedish-design poking stick Mild." Pen-el-ope! Got fired from the bookstore. Penelope: Bop you over the head with a Carafe. or get Serena and Ashley… hooked up. I'd like a large white chocolate mocha.696 697 698 699 700 701 702 703 704 705 706 707 708 709 710 711 712 713 714 715 716 717 718 719 720 721 722 723 724 725 726 727 728 729 730 731 732 733 734 735 736 737 738 739 740 741 There's an explanation for Dora and Marten's change of wardrobe… (Monk Ninjas?) Monk Ninja: "Large latte and a couple of bags of ice?" (Feng the Monk Ninja) WHUNK! "When did we get a soufflé pan?" Penelope (or is it Pizza Girl?): "Hi. Dora's stuffed bunny Raven is shocked about Marten Tai talked to Bailey… and it didn't go well. her Uncomfortable Truth-jitsu Tai (finally named) is the amateur psychologist The plan to take down Vespa Avenger begins! (with six APC's and Winslow in the audience) Are they acting? Laying it on a little thick… 742 743 744 745 746 747 748 749 750 751 752 753 754 755 756 757 758 759 760 761 762 763 764 765 766 767 768 769 770 771 772 773 774 775 776 777 778 779 780 781 782 783 784 785 786 787 788 789 790 791 792 793 794 795 796 Here's your sign! VA: "No. Tai: "don't have to deal with stupid girl drama"… Marten: UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER! Disgusting Carafes and various "ery" "Don't out-creepy me!" Hanner's first words were "Thousand Yard Stare". Raven: "I win the bet!.50) "The Coffee Crusader"." Faye insultasaurus "You're still following me?. right) Remember the talking purple weasels? $500 of fantasy knives off eBay! Quantum Fetish Mechanics (Rule 34-Q?) Pizza slices the size of one's head [Mimmo's Pizza in Northampton. "They all have mono and Jill is pregnant somehow. Is coffee vegan? Goth Cassowary. Minimalist Stick Figure Theatre): Tai reveals she isn't as butch as Marten thinks… "We call him Argument Guy. "Caffeinatrix" My NAME is Penelope Gaines.. wrong button.. get naked. Pintsize clipped her toenails? (Hanners still loves Marten's couch) Vespa Avenger MUST BE STOPPED. INDY!" "I don't wanna know about it. "Ornithologist" joke. Raven meets Penelope as her co-worker Ellen and her new boyfriend (Marten: "Gee.

Sven) Eve from AppleGeeks visits Winslow Sakura-Con 2007 report (B/W) Marten's haircut – and Dora freaks Go Eat A Cookie. I work at the county morgue. Knob Creek and a knife to stab. Coffee… Hanners fell asleep standing up? NOTHING HAPPENED! Hanners wakes up.  Alan was kind of a prick… Faye slobbers and insults Sven! The difference between Sven and Marten? (Compare to strip 40) The New Video Drivers make Pintsize Trippy! (Faye forgot her keys!) Hanners?. "Even smarmy."  "No WONDER your mother never loved you!" "Pooty pants". Amir: "Some chick is playing drums and CLEANING!" Oops… Raven's mad. (Dune reference FTW) Tai and FlashLARP PotterSpace Ashley. Dora's Emergency Skirt saves the day… and Hanners ends up passing out. Steve? …Apparently. AnthroPC's are more trouble than they're worth. stop trying." She's a pathologist's assistant. but you have to sign a waiver. Corrine: "Not every man is your father. Nat's got a new guitar ("Smoke On The Water" is like "Chopsticks" for the guitar) Don't make me make you wear the aprons again! Raven's not as dumb as she acts (Shh! It's a secret!) Dora's allergic to roses." Raven gets all Highlander on Penelope."  "I think the heroin is doing you some good. One aging hippie away… …and that's when Meena (who's still unnamed) shows up. Hot Hairstylists Insecurities Drummer? Money." Pintsize has gone from "Endearingly Misguided" to "Disturbingly Malicious!" (Seriously. I'd be dead". An APC in record keeping (at the morgue) used a severed head as a marionette to "cheer up" some cancer patients. Her mom was one of them (which is why she wasn't expelled) Jackson guitar? Amir's former GF dealt coke …TOTALLY NOT PUNK-ROCK AT ALL. Nat was found by THE ENTIRE BOARD OF TRUSTEES. "Plain edged or serrated?" Sven stops by… and is nearly threatened. (Bad timing. VERY. Tai's music: Euro-electric. HIS APARTMENT!!!?????!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!! Drums. NEVER EVER CHECK MY BROWSER HISTORY. no response (Apartment 36) Sven's place (bird pooped on the skylight) Sven makes better coffee? Princess (she's my villain cat). but she'd make a great Harkonnen. I missed you too. Corrine LOUD is FUN! She's a natural I am a cleaning NINJA! Hold Mieville down. Aphids? Weirdly flattering idiot [LAST PAGE OF QCVIII] . too. had to help find her boss's watch in a cadaver – and found TWO watches. "Exotic" (third generation American).. Ebola jokes Faye fills Dora's Jerk Quota How she (Meena) kills her victims How Oblivious Can You Get. Faye: "We can fill a keg with espresso. Vinyl bodysuit and cat ears from every anime nerd's dream girl! Dora: "Marten would make such a cute Yaoi Boy" Steve has Morgue Girl issues. Serena and rug burns Steve needs to go to the morgue." Three things you'll never hear a therapist say:  "Just go out and bang someone. Steve: "…lot of time pointing and going HA HA!" Murphy's Law of Romantic Comedies.797 798 799 800 801 802 803 804 805 806 807 808 809 810 811 812 813 814 815 816 817 818 819 820 821 822 823 824 825 826 827 828 829 830 831 832 833 834 835 836 837 838 839 840 841 842 843 844 845 The Faye Recovery Plan. "Nothing says 'I love you' like anaphylactic shock. Female Doberman or Wolverine with Post-traumatic Stress Syndrome Sven: "If Dora finds out. Misogynist Prick? "No Ani DiFranco fans. What's the point of this conversation?" Staff Meeting: Raven – Chief Fountain Officer." Didn't think of that possibility. Sven: "She's a slut" Faye: "Pet-owner convergence". he's a Quantum Jerk Attractions.. Corrine: "What makes you uncomfortable?" Faye: Marten & Dora is what could be. But Marten's seeing TOUR BUS! We need a drummer. selfmedicating with alcohol Gonna lecture me? Dr." Uh oh… Dora finds out! Raven goes Pink and Black? …wanted to bleach her hair. huh? Penelope: "You two (are) MY comicallyinept antagonists – or Pizza Girl's?" She may not be Pizza Girl. emotionally hollow cads need company sometimes." Marten draws himself and Dora roasting marshmallows on Dora's back! Sven's old burnout music buddies:  Jerry has a kid and two jobs. Sven and Angus are jackasses – HOT ones. Faye – Chocolate Delivery Logistics. Faye: "She'd have you committed for suicidal behavior. 846 847 848 849 850 851 852 853 854 855 856 857 858 859 860 861 862 863 864 865 866 867 868 869 870 871 872 873 874 875 876 877 878 879 880 881 882 883 884 885 886 887 888 889 890 891 892 893 894 895 896 897 898 899 "Create A Comic Project" by Alex [repeat of 738 with a different script – one that makes less sense…] How AnthroPC's are made… Pintsize: "MOM?" Horror Movie Fan? Anything for sloppy makeouts! Raven: "A good barista never admits defeat!" (crawls through the vent duct into the store?) Die Hard Raven with a Pigeon! (Bruce Willis/Alan Rickman jokes) "Mock you all the way to the funeral" Savant Raven Angus: "Aw.) Meena: "YOU AREN'T GETTING LAID TONIGHT!" Got shushed by a gang of librarians! Roommate playing porn videos? Roommate is Dave – an ex-boyfriend who never got around to moving out… Confusing Sex Noises Hanners (about boy kissing her in the 8th grade): Doctors said I was lucky boiling water didn't leave any permanent scars Disinfectantbot! Angus: I like tea! …uh.  Scott moved to New York for work. Dr. Pintsize's Porn Database "…violate the monogamy clause of our relationship" Hanners is crying at anything Pintsize and Winslow again Mind-altering drugs (as she downs a bottle of hooch). Penelope: Human Ass Resources Amir at the Library. clean his infected anal glands Faye's on her own New bar on Main. worst possible thing you could say during sex: "Happy Birthday Grandma!" Faye ordered a pizza from the place Pizza Girl delivers for… Schizoid Penelope? Pizza Delivery Dude! "She called in sick today." Faye: "I'm absolutely awful about keeping in touch with people I dislike. obsessive… HANNERS! Hanners calls Dr. Break some Lions! (see 792) Hanners meets Penelope You." He's skipping down the street! Post-coital glow (lens-flare!) "Why I'm late for lunch…". Penelope Meets Steve! Nursing home for the critically oblivious? Steve's having a psychotic break "I could arrange that. me and the robot! Steve shaves himself RoboFidel's Pubic Beard! Hanners heard screaming… oh so CUTE! (hugging RoboFidel!) Penelope: "So you won't tell me what the 'hijinks' were and Steve didn't say anything interesting about me or that girl he likes." Heavy anti-anxiety meds for Hanners… and a lack of pants. Sven prefers blondes. Practice." (Meena. who is yet unnamed) "I just realized I'm talking to a stranger about his masturbation habits." SPLASH! Too many John Cusack movies. "I just washed that knife. dedicated. Steve: "I'll show you! I'll ask you out to dinner!" Meena (NOW he knows her name). Drown your sorrows with us.

" Talk to therapist about drinking.. no Les Paul name. Great-grandfather Thaddeus Whitehall Chatham spent 20 years in the African Bush." $2. "Failed Romantic Liaison". Hanners messes up Faye's hair! GUEST STRIP (Stig – again): Marten's t-shirt usage Mom: "Can't touch men's room toilet without having a nervous breakdown." Dora: "Who else am I gonna ask? Raven? Penelope." Marten: ". Brothel and Pastry Shop! Patisserie de Sade Dora: "Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. "Bedroom closet or Linen closet?" (Hide the Hooker!) . That's not flattery. meet the Chathams! (Faye will use PowerPoint and 3-D Models) A Business Proposition for Dora: Coffee of Doom. Harmonix Guitar Shop Guy (guest strip?) Leopard skin/Jaguar skin/Panther skin? GUEST STRIP (David Willis): Willis does QC! Indie Rock vs." Dad: "Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Sven (and Dora)'s "Old Man"..." (And the rave on the second floor?) "Testing whether audio-visual distraction has any effect on the overall efficacy of the study group.) Faye whacks Sven – "You were FLIRTING!" No Tighty Whities. you just wanna bang on your drum all day?" (Bad joke of the week?) Physicist Porno! (Stephen Hawking knows how to party!) Pintsize : Kitchen :: Humans : Zoo (the Blender's "paintings" – he's very enthusiastic!) Mop the ceiling. Milholland of S*P): Pintsize messes with Faye's dreams GUEST STRIP (KidNemo): Pintsize's dreams GUEST STRIP (E. out of a cannon into a volcano.. One letter to PORN! "Option-W Porn? That's weird…" '83 Les Paul. Mom sent Hanners "a few documents" (and has to move in with Marty and Faye for a few days..900 901 902 903 904 905 906 907 908 909 910 911 912 913 914 915 916 917 918 919 920 921 922 923 924 925 926 927 928 929 930 931 932 933 934 935 936 937 938 939 940 941 942 943 944 945 946 947 948 Physical attraction to things that irk me. Tai: "Either love or Stockholm Syndrome" Benjamin the D&D Dork gave Raven a 12-sided dice! Raven: "Dorky boys treat you like a total princess if you're a hottie who'll give them the time of day. CHRISTMAN! (President of Smith College!) "Experimental alternative study environment focusing on the use of rhythm and body movement to enhance cognition and productivity.. My life: . Marten! "Use your alcoholic's ingenuity. '61 to SG." Dora: "What? Did I do something wrong?" Having sex with a grain thresher? (Got a gun?) Faye: "You two are both all insecure 'cause you like each other so much. Then 4chan would scare them off. Hamlet in a post-apocalyptic cyberpunk dystopia (William Gibson.  Lucky pregnancy  Went right to nannies  Divorce: Hanners wanted to stay with dad  She (Beatrice) had no clue.. Two deadly sins down. now I'm an alky and a trollop.. [FIRST PAGE OF QCVIV] Restacking books and "Suicide Guys" Faye: Was that a band? "Someday I'll be a REAL GIRL!" Flying pigs." Gravity. little Dora." Faye's the Alpha Bitch. Oliver Coakley): Pintsize." Hanners likes steamed veggies and white rice from Chinese takeout. Dad. "Friends with Benefits". Pintsize Underwear Ninja! Faye and Sven repartee Underwear Ninja Hanners! Dora puts her hands on Hanners' ears! Hanners: "Ew. The Secret Crocodile Adventure Club): Pintsize does Tom Servo! Darth Vader in a Martha Stewart costume Mom's here." (oops. I hate gravity. Pen's in the Omega Position. Anything not on menu for Marty.. the Chain!)... gave them new word for "pompous. Dora: "Woo! Take it off!" (Faye's peeking through her fingers) Hanners brushes her teeth. White Ninja Comics): The Band Jams GUEST STRIP (R. GUEST STRIP (Lem from Bunny): Dora's a robot? 1832. Faye-Faye (Movie at SVEN'S). Transformers! GUEST STRIP (Corey Marie): Beer Pong! GUEST STRIP (Scott & Kent..." Dad's here! GAAAAH! Peter Bianchi.. Edward Runcible) Compliment Tourettes! "Hugging Hannelore Heralds Heavy Hyperventilating! USE IT!" And Nat STILL CAN'T PLAY! Nat: "Why do I have to be a math major to ROKK?" (no Rush for her) Hanners: "My mother is coming to visit tomorrow.. Nope. that's masochism." (disembowel with Nat's guitar?) GUEST STRIP (Stig." Faye: ". Coed hits on Marten.) Fired the accountant.... Faye: Vintage Les Paul isn't actually a vintage. Dog peeing on carpet – and Dora biting her fingernails (So THAT's why she gets flinchy with a copy of the New Yorker. SMACK! Sven: "No amount of self-pity ever helped anybody feel better!".whack with a magazine when I get whiny?". Hell froze over! Marty and Dora do the Secret Booty Dance! …separately..Common Sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot NOW.. condescending white man" I was joking about the blackmail… Faye takes Hanners and Hannermom (Beatrice Chatham) shopping! Less time on Therapists and Doctors and more on Discipline (Bloodletting cure for influenza) Kicked out of the mall? Limo crashes due to Hornet (limo driver gets off easy with a concussion) Eagles Fly on the Fourth of July! Faye's about to go off on Hannermom when… Brown Gunk in the shower? Martinis? (FINALLY! Something in common!) "Love hurts… but the hangover is worse!" Saying I Love You on the toilet isn't a good idea. Faye: ".000 easy money (cauterize the stump?) Marten: "They always aim for me!" Bedside manner of an autistic vulture What to do with the money? 1970 Gibson SG." Sven: "That doesn't narrow down my options.Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future.. Faye storms out) Hanners: STOP FRIGGIN' FIGHTING! ("pavorite pants"?) SheHulk Moment Faye goes over to Sven's: "My friends are idiots. Winslow isn't a Mary Kay Cosmetics AnthroPC. Faye KNOWS." '65 Les Paul is the Canadian Girlfriend of Guitars.. Mrs. If aliens ever really tried to contact us. Faye: "You don't wanna work. Faye: "My life is slowly falling apart.." GUEST STRIP (Ryan Estrada): Hannelore Cleans EVERYTHING Let's All Study To Gabriel Ananda Day! Light switch Rave on the second floor with Serena and Ashley (?). Keanu Reaves?) Hanner's bag of toiletries (in a huge tent bag? Purple Hair! (Pintsize: "Oh.." Neon Genesis Victoriangelion! ("Kev's a big fan of Arby's…") Pintsize: "My Wacky Hijinks have jumped the shark! Ray-Ray (Buffy DVD's). that's mine. Boobsplosion/Ballpocalypse Muffins for Tai. five to go.") Marten: "We never made plans. Euro-American Conspiracy Theories (The Hidden Secrets of Most Europeans by J. meanwhile. Raven is into the Big Bang! Penelope: "Hairdresser made FUN OF ME!" (and the boys are whispering about the hot blonde barista!) GUEST STRIP (Chris Daily): Gender Bender I'M NOT PIZZA GIRL! (Beats the boys off with a broom) [10:57] Wake up. it'd be through the internet. Ridley Scott. Faye: "Great. TRANSFORM! GUEST STRIP (Chris Hastings/Carly Monardo): Don't give Faye a time machine Multiple conversations. avian bacon (Dora and Marten)." Tai "ID's" as a male. the bitterest girl on Earth? HANNELORE? I don't have a lot to work with.".lesbian techno reimagining of Animal House. Raven: "You HAVE to set me up!" Faye: "Shakin' your can was so SUBTLE. boys are smelly and gross. Ohhhh. 949 950 951 952 953 954 955 956 957 958 959 960 961 962 963 964 965 966 967 968 969 970 971 972 973 974 975 976 977 978 979 980 981 982 983 984 985 986 Toshiro Mifune! MacBeth! Faye: "I get snarkier the more cheerful I feel" Sven: "God forbid someone have sex with you.K. so she said OK Weeping Demon.

And I really like Cheerios! Meena cheated on him. pick me!) Not in my health plan's network...... "Lush's bottom" pun (In space. 2005... no one can hear you groan. "latest prototype. "So. Mom and Dora.. Mr. spent a weekend in the Mojave Desert high on peyote taking pictures of scorpions (may have met Hunter S. "Early onset UNEMPLOYMENT. appearing on Apr... Dave is TOO PERFECT! He:  NEVER gets Mad!  Rarely makes mistakes. A Girl And Her Fed): Marten's having strange dreams about the women in his life.. (Had to go there) "No... Godwin'ed? "Reductio ad Hitlerum" What rhymes with "philandering"? The CoD house band! New Guitar to practice. a ROBOT BOYFRIEND?. So glad to know that I'm in you league. "Reminds me of that bondage lady. bad idea. Corroboration? Paranoia? $6 million! Jail? I DON'T CARE THAT'S WHAT THE SHARK TANK.. It's called 'Hockey'." Dora gets her looks from mom. Pirates in the South Pacific." Everything I know about relationships I learned from Leo Fender Uno between Pintsize/Hanners/Winslow.... or home on shore leave?" "Oh. WHAT? Dad is a photographer.send it back.. you're dating a Hobo." Dora: "You realize that I'll murder you if you seduce her.anchor in your pocket." Dora: "Are you getting flashbacks to your first date?" "Hey. slapped Nancy Reagan on the.. no service." The worst: Faye "brewed" some potting soil instead of coffee grounds (hippies!) "Hah. Whale sharks eat PLANKTON. This from the boy who loses all motor control when I nuzzle your neck. Robot to The Terminator." Diet. omega-3 fatty acids. Relax! (PFFFT!) "Did you just." STOP IT. ooh.. She ended the fouryear relationship. not Ben Hur! NAKED OLD LADIES! ". Mad-scientist laugh... don't keep in closet." Pen: "I think THEY were. Tai: Register for the wedding at Urban Outfitters or Salvation Army? Marten: "She doesn't have a sister. no shoes. I do sit-ups! Ce n'est pas une double entendre!" Hanners found the discrepancy. 17. freelancing. Tai Fighter and her Sequencing Beats (DJ Awkwardd Beatz – Mopey Stress-core!) New WIKIPEDIO'S! Modern Sexuality Class Questionnaire. you'd be a threat to civilization." Faye: "No awkward moments?" Marten: "Your dad used to jerk off to pics of my mom.." Go with it or RUN LIKE HELL.. he has no idea how close he came to death. so I can't rule it out. "I'm just sayin'. exercise. Sleeping with Dora is more like a post-soccer-match riot Dave with the pink shirt and Steve. Cleaning services in Western MA stopped returning her calls a long time ago. Thompson). Marten: "In Canada they have socialized asskicking." Mrs.. no dental floss.. out come the happy pills. Veronica?" Dora (after blushing): "Wow.." YELLING BIRD appears in QC! (Originally a character from Indietits. Reverse Strip Poker! Reverse Monopoly would be a communist revolution? Pintsize is an aggressive bettor (with panties?). it jiggles. creepy.. "Astrotech revenue reports." Dr. Package from John Ellicott. she didn't even pick up on it.. Working out is a lot less fun if your partner is a SADIST. "If I really was crazy I might not know if I'm a serial killer." Dora: "What? Not him too?" (pause) "I didn't have access to any other erotica!" [2008] The risqué stuff would be." Dave overheard the conversation. "Don't sell Dad pot" (ex-boyfriend Jerry) Oh. and only have ONE brownie. Only 15 minutes? Chariots of Fire..987 988 989 990 991 992 993 994 995 996 997 998 999 1000 1001 1002 1003 1004 1005 1006 1007 1008 1009 1010 1011 1012 1013 1014 1015 1016 1017 1018 1019 1020 1021 1022 1023 1024 1025 Giving you a hug. "Great. accounting software correct for a rounding error that didn't exist. prol'ly TMI." Penelope works out. Penelope Rises and Shines! Faye. Faye: "I think you're mistaking bisexuality with substance abuse..  Immediately acknowledges and tries to fix things when he does  Remembers birthdays and anniversaries  Is studying to be a Doctor to "help the children"  Is a CHURCH-goer  Donates money to charities  Spends 15 hours a week helping the homeless (he does have to sleep sometime) "You're not perfect!" Steve: "Thanks." Hanners BROKE HER DRUMSTICK! "Lost Home for Widowed Drumsticks" Music Store trip with Hanners: Professional Cymbal Tester? Raven: My Boyfriend from CANADA! ". Why'd they break up? 1026 1027 1028 1029 1030 1031 1032 1033 1034 1035 1036 1037 1038 1039 1040 1041 1042 1043 1044 1045 1046 1047 1048 1049 1050 1051 1052 1053 1054 1055 Domestic Violence is wrong. NOT. Corrine: "Why do you drink?". "Prude!" "Trollop!" "Puritan!" "Nympho!" Your ass." In 18 years or so I'll be ready to settle into a nice comfy May/October relationship... mostly National Geographic. Pintsize.." "AAAGH! WINSLOW?" "If you had opposable thumbs." Had to fight off other girls for dad? (conversation while mom is rolling a joint) Mom: "First one you've brought home I'd sleep with. Faye: "Awesome." Dora: "YOU'RE WINDOW SHOPPING IN MY WARDROBE!" Coloring Page (What came out of the box?) Peter and Elssa Bianchi. Hanners gave up smoking. grandiose ideas about my man-tackle." "YOU SAID I COULD RELAX!" I need someone to kick me in the ass." Penelope: "LOOK AT MY ASS AND TELL ME IT'S PRETTY!" "She made me WALK from the Gym!" "YOU CALLED ME FAT!" Gladiatorial combat (Two girls enter! One girl leaves!) Okay. "You. right?" Sven: "She met dad. we've gone from I. "What do your parents do?." GUEST STRIP (Otter.. A challenge! Faye & Dora bet on treadmill YMCA Clerks. mom. Sven from Peter's brother Joseph The Leather Pants of DOOM! Faye & Pen speculate on how high the parents.. Bianchi Meet the 'rents... Just call me FAT. Freaky Clone Couple (POD PEOPLE!) Marten does all his exercising in the bedroom..) Dad and Marten.. Marten.. did it just to prove she could do it – she was on powerful anti-anxiety pills at the time. Father's dream: building daughter's suitor from scratch! His "bait and tackle are still in beta" Winslow: "Am I being replaced?" You can upload AnthroPC personalities! "I have THUMBS! And FINGERS!" Faye: "My chest is not the Make-A-Wish Foundation!" Winslow crosses the Uncanny Valley. "Swift kick in the rear is still in clinical trials. became a "regular" filler strip on QC) Love is.." Avoid Contact Highs.... Dad and The Secret Handshake Dora's Mom.." Dora: "Jesus. "Raven has some rather.. Bianchi = Dora's head on Heidi Klum's body." Rule of Thumb: He who has the thumbs makes the rules. explains the stalking? "No.." Faye: "Everyone has a few roboexoskeletons in their closet" (Literally: Pintsize's old chassis) No dialogue comic: The Scarlet Letter! (Hanners pinches RoboBoyfriend's tush) "Thinly Veiled Personal Metaphor Blues". Brian Eno's Oblique Strategies cards (in the bedroom?) OMG Turkeys 2007! ROBO-INQUISITION! Marten: "Sentence Commuted. mom." Hanners: ". your daughter.." (not Makeout Hobo) . (Defined by the QC staff. And he forgave her. Did.." Thongs to the Y? Embarrassing (and a full-on view of Dora's Tattoo) Marten made the "second worst latte she's ever tasted.. Faye vs.Raven. just me being my creepy self.) Marten doesn't care for foie gras. (Oooh.. Kilimanjaro.. WHAT?.. you stole him. really. have you been taking your medication?" "Dip my toe in the dating pool". Docking you BOTH. not so much. ETHEL!" Hanners and Winslow try to make coffee (Non-sentient machines) Hanners: "WASH YOUR HANDS FIRST!" "I think I understand why Faye's so surly sometimes!" Marten: "No shirt. Brushing teeth and washing hands (and a confused Dora) Little Stoner Girlfriend. sorry." "It's okay.

" Belittling her anger. Hanners: Raven's dating a STREET MUSICIAN? Dora relates about the old Mental Hospital in town.. Corrine." "Differently employed"." (We have GOT to get you LAID... "functional" ones settled." Dr. bikini line looks GREAT! (You are so WEIRD when you're half-asleep) [Note on the fridge: MARTEN. you just got served). Just plain ol' orneriness. Classical guitarist! "Six pack of Labatts to get in the mood" for off-key rendition of Bobby McGee.. Hanners: Please don't. I did a lot of sit-ups." Faye: "I got laid.1056 Hanners went to the music store and bought a GONNGGGG!!!! 1057 1058 1059 ("Brain.. worky. Dave to Steve: "even though I still love Meena. it's what she INFERS that counts. Sven: "99 Problems" (F: Even Jay-Z can't top Jay-Z!. "Here's ten bucks and a monkey wrench. Karaoke show! (Dad threw a surprise party for sweet 16." Hanners: You say it's your birthday? Hanners is now 22 (for reals). crap." Faye: "Ever the pragmatist." Pen: (munches on popcorn) Faye: "And. I'M BEING IRRATIONAL??? (exit Marten) Wife of Pen's former boss at the bookstore gave him a concussion with the Slimarillion. but I have a sudden inexplicable urge to strangle my brother. Faye: "Am I blushing? Why am I blushing?" Sven: "My aim was off! Please don't hit me!" Faye pushes her boundaries: SHE KISSES THE BOY! (While Hannelore gently sleeps – on the couch. <3 FAYE] Those "feelings" for Marty. H: Regularly enumerates their tribulations) Hanners sings: Row. in the Cave of a Million Asses? [Sign on wall: EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS BEFORE PUNCHING CUSTOMERS] Dr. the Roomba (with the gong): "His power level." Going to the Horrible Revelation (first appearance) Marten & Hanners meet up with Steve. it's my birthday. sit-ups." 1095 YOU SLEPT WITH HIM? Faye: "Although man.. H: Yelling at me? F: You're yelling! H: You're threatening! F: AH! 1089 1090 H: AH! "Uh. lots of sogginess Benji the Canadian Hobo (boyfriend of Raven). let me get some thumbtacks and colored string so we can diagram that. "I'm not drunk..) [The note's gone] Pushing my boundaries on sex : bulldozing a dike in Holland – Hundreds of dead.C: "What is it exactly that has you all freaked out?. not because of Marty. That seldom bodes well. Friggin' Dudes. peed in her pants) YELLING BIRD: Jeph's sick "Young and gainlessly employed" enjoy Karaoke... "Submission slot" (hur hur) Hannelore can't keep secrets. TOUCH THE MILK AND YOU DIE. It's football. High-five. 1086 1087 1088 1060 1061 1062 1063 1064 1065 1066 1067 1068 1069 1070 1071 1072 1073 1074 1075 1076 1077 1078 1079 1080 1081 1082 1083 1084 1085 no. they're not very good friends. Hanners: AHHHHH! Marten: "I'm sure you can catch up on your regular anxieties later... Right. you make me HAPPY. (Dora's angry)" Marten: "It would be harder to stomach if I weren't getting hot hot Dora-sexin' on a regular basis." FWINGGGG!!! "Aim. well." Marten: "Wait a minute. Corrine: "If they hate you for this. I'm cool. fine ass." Who Yelled First? H: AH! Don't kill me! F: Just keep it quiet H: Stop threatening me! F: I'm not.") Pintsize vs. This is girl-logic." "Race you upstairs?" "Sure beats cryin'.. "Maybe I'll sing one of those awful songs you write for a living.. if they're really your friends they'll understand." Faye: "Do you want to witness my violent death?" Pen: "Can you wait five minutes? I'll go make some popcorn. am I giving YOU a pep talk about GIRLS? WTF?" Steve: "Welcome to Bizzaro World. Vodka and Peter Sellers movies at Sven's! (DETOUR – ANY OTHER FEMALE IN EXISTANCE) Princess (Sven's MALE cat).. Woo.. Faye: "You're So Vain" (Dude." Dora's like a hive of Angry Bees.. hey it's SVEN! "Smarmosaur" with friends from out of town (Jerry? Scott?) Sign: NO RICKROLLING THE AUDIENCE! Sven's choice of song for Faye: "Fat Bottom Girls" Faye: I'm gonna kill him. Marten: Yeah." THE PARALLELOGRAM: 1091 1092 1093 1094 Dr." Marten & Dora's day in bed.. I accept your relationship with her." Friggin' Women. 1096 1097 1098 1099 1100 1101 1102 1103 1104 . "It doesn't matter what you say.. HANNERS! Sven: "I much prefer that form of insanity to the murderous stabby kind." Faye: "Why does this have to be so COMPLICATED? . "He's had a nasty stomach bug the last couple of days. we hooked up.) The Panhandler Mafia:  Guy with one-string guitar  Yell-o-phone guy (two notes!)  Bucket Guy Third wheels can be fun! (Local necrophiliacs) "YOU STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR FIVE GIRLS WHO AREN'T ME????" (#### my honest mouth) "Love the One You're With" is BS. The little voices in your head aren't always correct. not dating for convenience.. I'm fine. Makes me tingly.. "Throwing yourself at another person isn't romance. of course) Hanners wakes up and sees Faye and Sven IN BED! AAIGH! Creepy note! Creepy Note! Faye wakes up! (We will be postponing this morning's scheduled panic attack in order to admire that fine. "Oh I'm plottin' your downfall."  "My Wife Left Me For My Girlfriend"  "Yankee Is A Four-Letter Word"  She's Pretty (But She Ain't No John Deere)" Karaoke Wars! Sven: "You Give Love A Bad Name". Corrine: "Hang on. row." Get it over with (the Law of Humor) "My life's a COMEDY?" Hanners: Horror Movie – she'd either be first to die or the killer in the end.) Oh. it's over 9000!" Faye and Dora in undies in the kitchen. row your boat. Dora: "I'm not sure." Irrational girlfriend paranoia makes Marten a little CRANKY.." Sven: "Oh #### she (Dora) really WOULD kill me. we know." (Penny's not getting it) Pintsize: "How many people get to stop Global Thermonuclear War for their birthday?" Faye makes an appointment with Dr. Steve: "I'm turning into MARTEN!" Hanners: "I'm scared of doppelgangers." HORK HORK (My clean boxers!) The "come hither" look." Dora: "I'm aware.. this would be pretty much the ultimate burn on you guys.. if I WERE a vindictive person." Marten: "You did?" Faye: "Yeah..Don't answer that. "THERE COULD BE A CRAZY PERSON LIVING IN MY BUILDING!" (Heaven forbid.

. "Gin.") Hanners: "If you can do it. friendship is pretty okay. Tai's "fiction writing". so." (Sassing Faye is like the Purple Heart of our social circle) Raven's Graphene to Cupcakene! Homeopathic Donut Water! About yesterday. Why?" Hanners: "Hey. My Serial Number. Combine two parts gin with one part freshly squeezed lemon juice and a drizzle of sugar syrup... garnish with a slice of lime.. no 'mysterious accidents.. what? "I didn't feel sufficiently fraught without them." Girls Gone Wild: Head Trauma Edition And any minute now. Raven: "What's not gonna happen again? Faye: "Me hooking up with Sven." Hannelore: "It's negative!" (Have you SEEN mitosis?) Yes.." "That was not one of your finer moments. Popular and I was just his weird little sister who had bad skin and wore too much black." Sculptural Snickerdoodle! (Bean Destroyer 2000 in the background) No Christo pieces. Dora: "I like kittens!" Yelling Bird.. Ew.." Hanners is stuck in Dirty Dirty Dirty Dirty Dirty mode." Faye: "Common symptoms include an increased sense of well-being. IT'S A HEAT SINK! Dad said never let a girl go to bed mad at you." With great power comes great responsibility. other end. No. Raven can't walk and chew gum at the same time. butt-prints on the copier machine (and reminder to bring Windex next time) Dora needs to make some copies.. stable strangelet devours us all. really... Penelope: "Luscious-fruit and delicious-flower similes are thirddate material at best. sittin' in a tree. that's MY job!" I was over at Sven's.." "I think I might kill YOU... whoa. she's just a bitch sometimes.. "You were screaming about 'raccoon pogrom' and how you'd 'cleanse the earth of their vile little grabby paws.".  Half my friends were just pretending they liked me so they could sneak up to his room and make out. "It actually doesn't...' I had to hold you down while Penny called the doctor. MY copier assistance.." Pigeon and Raccoon attack from above! (Man that vent causes PROBLEMS.. and in severe cases ill-advised makeouts." (cue Angus!) Angus tries a Mocha Espresso. (Tom Collins?) You don't seriously expect me to clean up barf sober.  Every other girl at school had a crush on him. Nice try. no. Er. ." Will: "At last. Broke up with the Hobo Boyfriend from Canada.  He doesn't even have to TRY!  He cruised through HS and college  He never studied and still got perfect grades. Faye: "I told them." Dora: "Food poisoning has switched to his.." The "Questionable Shellfish" finally comes back up – and Marten finally gets revenge for strip 185! Marten: "I'd really rather not associate your boobs with projectile vomiting. he is extremely lactose intolerant. you've got the wrong idea. don't marry a woman.. what do you say after sex? Marten: "She's not evil. I hate Tolstoy.." Dora's Megadeth to Sven's Metallica:  Everything's always about HIM.. Anger.. (Dora cringes) I didn't mean THAT... Faye's ideal man: Mister Darcy from Pride and Prejudice." [Lemon dress appears to have gone through the wash a few times] "Not gonna be all 'oh how COULD you I have PROBLEMS' any time someone makes a suicide reference". she's my lawyer. do you?" Pintsize & Winslow back from ED-210's robo-bachelor party. (Gee.. nor torch.... just wait about 440 more strips) [Background sign: "PLEASE RESPECT YOUR FELLOW STUDENTS AND SHUT THE H### UP"] Shelf for the Skulls of our Enemies! Hanners Throws Up! (Morning sickness?) THE KWISATZ HADERACH! Hanners: "You have to PEE on a STICK!" "Just nice to know that sex isn't completely out of the question. Raven: "What are you guys talking about?" Uh. "MY girlfriend. "High performance open-source sentient mobile workstation". Pintsize will do something weird. [Mocha w/a hair in it. they used protection. nor saw But a circus of relativity. ." (what's with the 'staches?) Sven drops in @ COD... I've found my muse!" (Sven: "Oh God... 30% raise? (and change the locks!) "Oh yeah..." Sven: "She's not a whore.. lady.  Meantime I'm busting my ass to make C's and D's  Then after school.. mom? It's called O'Reilley's Pub and Steakhouse.. Add soda water to taste. here we go. seriously. Your turn to clean the bathroom.Just get some health inspectors in there.. and a gun with a single bullet... Being the only child of an evil corporate overlord has a few very distinct advantages. copy of War and Peace. guys." Do you know something I don't? Filler: "Sweet-tits" makes her debut (in black-and-white) "Don't you understand? I got Sven into nerdy chicks!" "Whoa. he writes completely stupid f'ing songs and paychecks come rolling in  I can barely afford a living wage.. Faye has to wash her hair. Peanut Butter does work! Faye: Pintsize went from "helpful to creepy again. the gun thing." Will's "Ode to the LHC": O. then maybe it means someday I could be normal too. how DISCREET. I didn't mean. I might not be the sharpest bulb in the box." Raven: "Nice try." Ideal job? Penelope: publisher/literary agent. Oh.. and LOVES IT.which Dora and Marten walk in on! Tai: "You're back awful fast.." Dora: "Oh-oh God Faye.TELLING him it was a one-time thing." "Dooorrrraaaa! Faye broke the ruu-uules!" Raven's Little Black Book. please.. Latte w/apple core... Dora: "I could send Sven over for (a kiss on the head)" Faye: "I make enough bad decisions around him without a concussion. but I'm not THAT gullible... Tai: "Maybe SHE wanted to hook up with Faye!" The mental image. Family pack of toilet paper.." Faye: "What?.." Hanners: "As far as pathogens go..unfortunately. Faye: "We're actually very complicated marionettes. My mom never woulda gotten to where she is if she thought she was responsible for her actions." Hanners: "Bwaaaah! I wuh-was just t-trying to huh-huh-HELP!" Marten: "This has been the GREATEST DAY.." Hanners: "Wouldn't be able to consummate marriage anyways") Will meets Penelope – and he gets "uncontrollably poetic". and "If you're gay.) The Doctor tells Faye her x-rays of her head showed nothing.. Hadrons colliding A sudden." Sven: " Oh. Raven: Waterslide test pilot (or a sex therapist for millionaires?) Tattoos and meaning. petting zoo.1105 1106 1107 1108 1109 1110 1111 1112 1113 1114 1115 1116 1117 1118 1119 1120 1121 1122 1123 1124 1125 1126 1127 1128 1129 1130 1131 1132 PT410x Linux-based AnthroPC. occasional intoxication. Single-spaced? What do the stars by some numbers mean? "You'll find out" (wink) Marten fills in Tai.." Sven: "Dammit. lazysaurus. Hanners: Mister Clean! (Faye: "I'm pretty sure he's gay. Christ.. she had a minor concussion from the raccoon. "chicks flashing their PCI slots..  He was Mr. Scone of Bone] Hanners: "What was the name of the place?" Marten: "O'Reilley's Pub and Steakhouse. you ASS!" Pintsize and Winslow play with EPT's Sven talks to Will (first appearance!): "I've never had a woman shut ME down before. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MONTRESSOR!" Dora: "Faye an' Angus. "He's good at anything he puts his mind to..' ... Prometheus of mass We come to unchain thee Not with key...." Faye's drunk! Hannelore goes off on her: "You are going to SOBER UP and QUIT WHINING because I am NOT PUTTING UP WITH ANY MORE OF YOUR ####!" (She's gone critical!) Hanners: Uh." 1133 1134 1135 1136 1137 1138 1139 1140 1141 1142 1143 1144 1145 1146 1147 1148 1149 1150 1151 1152 1153 1154 1155 1156 1157 1158 1159 1160 1161 1162 1163 Copier "activity"! ." Faye: "Th-that's terrible. then.. Marten: "At least Megadeth didn't make St." Walking wounded Faye and Gastronomical Distress Marten."  "Ill-advised Hookup" ... like I didn't know you were going off to have sex. What happened?" NOTHING! Two trustees. "AnarchoPrimitivist – and into anal. Sven is my CLIENT... Sven would be a good dad. Dora's gonna kill..

you do know what you're getting into here..." Will: "Remember Eleanor?" Sven: "Aw man." Hanners gets her sexy firefighter/EMT pictures..Have a smile ready for the next customer!. I LEFT THE POEM THERE." GUEST STRIP: (Chris Daily) Pintsize interviews iPhone 3G GUEST STRIP: (Zach Weiner) Webcomics Illuminati GUEST STRIP: (Jeff Zugale) Interspecies Communication GUEST STRIP: (Rene Engstrom) The "Secret Origin" of Hipster Batman (Sven) 1196 1197 1198 1199 1200 1201 1202 1203 1204 GUEST STRIP: (John Campbell) Minimalist Content Yelling Bird: The Serenading. Now help me put my amp in the car." "But it's HEAVY!" Sven's get-well card: "Bang Your Head!" To break up over not being able to play guitar." Will wanted a date.. "What lies are you filling her head with?" . Naked." That's Harriet." Hanners: "Wow. Litterbox Brownie.. Hannelore's recurring dream of DJ Phalliz "Kill your friends. Seriously though... why were you walking around carrying porn-rhymes?" (Contingencies!) Hannelore doesn't clean bloodstains? Dora: "You musta freaked out the first time you got your period. and Tai messes with her ("Library Spiders!")...." Dora: "Be careful where you aim your balls...... What's on the bill for tomorrow?" Faye: "God.. Do you really want that on your hard drive?" Hanners jumps into the arms of the first fireman she sees... That's normally the kind of thing that arouses suspicion. Daft Punk @ 200 dB] Marten introduces Hanners to The Worry Hat Marten: "Whenever I got scared or had a nightmare as a kid... turns them into bunnies – and they keep on humping! And Marten gets punched in her sleep. it's actually kinda HOT." Nobody orders our specials. don't call in that favor now..." Dora comes down HARD on Faye's sass: "." Marvin Gaye in the background – no Slayer? "Wrong Bianchi.. the Roomba is chasing the red cape. No. Oh god. right?" Faye: "I've returned the favor. Dude. "Aactually ma'am. cause Will's still in HIGH SCHOOL... Friend from college. crazy. calamity.. really. am I no good in bed? Is that it?" (facepalm) Dora: "Good Morrrrrnnninng.. Eww! (now the Worry Hat has to protect against disgusting fetishes as well) Uh.." Dora: "We should frame it and put it in the bathroom. And I was wearing a thong that day. Will: "What do I do NOW?.. we're just coming around for donations for our annual charity fundraiser...") Ruination! Failure. Will "went to Williston Academy and the SCHOOL lunch there." GAH! "You're really on a roll with this whole 'make an ass of yourself' thing." Hanners visits Williston Library. I'm returning her serve..." Dora's pessimistic.. flashin' some underpants action. Faye (on his lap): "I told you this wasn't gonna happen again." (disrobing) "An id is a terrible thing to waste." Faye: "I should probably go." (Sven's cat is RELENTLESS when it comes to fuzzy ball playthings) "I believe you've met my friend Will."). utilities have gotten a lot higher. Faye: "Feh. they must be a designer brand!" Terrible pun." "You've never gone all hell-boss on me before. I just realized.. sweaty) 1208 1209 1210 1211 1212 1213 1214 1215 1216 1217 1218 1219 1220 1221 1222 1223 1224 1225 1226 .. she's just kinda.. but he's honestly not that bad of a guy. Dora: "I think she's setting herself up to be hurt." Marten's the baseline standard for spinelessness.. "I didn't think you liked brunettes.) Faye's nice." Hannelore got [WORRY HAT]! BRAVERY +10 CHARISMA +5 1205 1206 1207 Will's approach failure ("throbbing desperate tumescence") and Faye's bad limericks Hanners bangs her head with the worry hat on – literally Dora consoles Hanners (it's only a little cut)." Amir: "You were." (Reign In Blood is Marten's anti-Viagra) Hanners uses a bad AnthroPC word! (ASDF! QWERTY!) Sven: "Is this gonna be a regular thing?" Faye: "What..." Hanners: "We don't. "Pun?" Sven: "She's cute when she's off her guard. Now throw that box down some stairs. alarming. With our crotches." Sexy bank robbers or Blackwater meets Suicide Girls? Hanner's head hurts. Sven's lawyer. Pintsize wants to be cloned ("The concept of millions of copies of you running around is. she'd consider going to second base. It's not that hard to do. Sweet-Tits still hates her name (and being dragged out of the shower) Nightmare on QC (1): Hannelore kills a centipede – and a Giant one says she killed its dad! Nightmare on QC (2): Marten dreams of Dora and Faye – and wakes up with BOOBS? AIIGGH! Nightmare on QC (3): Witch Dora catches Marten with a coed." Sven: "I've practically got a PhD in treating people like crap myself... I'm not GOOD ENOUGH to be in your stupid band? FINE! I QUIT!. "Oral sex and THEN cookies???" Faye: "Sven and I are acquaintances who occasionally happen to bump into each other... right?" [Cat-hair latte. and mortification! "Dude.." [Van Halen guitar poster in the background!] Hanners talks to her sexy photo "dealer" Pintsize (firemen are. "I really gotta start dating girls my own age!." (back at the shop) "Look......" "Landlord came and said he was raising our lease..) Winslow wants to reproduce.." Sven: "And yet here we are.. If he went back in time and killed Hitler... I did a quick sketch of me topless in the bottom of his coffee cup.. and casting magic missiles (gaining 120 experience points and 25 gold pieces) Society for Creative Rock Anachronism – Steampunk Rock SCRA playing at Smith! Terminal Scensterism (see strip 16) and Dora/Marten Making sure Hanners isn't a cyborg (it could be FireWire) Hanners worries about Faye getting Rabies (which would be a marked personality improvement) Band practice? Nat learning how to play? "We. ".." Will: "Wait! YOU could apologize for me!" Sven: "What am I supposed to say." Sven: "Faye told you that?. he might be able to get her non-work number. SO glad I only accept checks and money orders." (Sven is blushing? And is that Sweet-tits in the background?) Amir's got all these songs in his head (Scrambles the giant purple otter – is that our friend the Tequila Monster?) Will visits COD." Nat: "What. not as attractive as your money. a lot of underpants action. 'Specialty' coffee drinks are all just namby-pamby flavored crap for people who don't actually LIKE COFFEE. Sven won't put up with her passive-aggressive BS." Amir: "I just realized I'm the Creepy Old Dude At Shows now!" (Meanwhile.  1164 1165 1166 1167 1168 1169 1170 1171 1172 1173 1174 1175 1176 1177 1178 1179 1180 1181 1182 1183 1184 1185 1186 1187 1188 1189 1190 1191 1192 1193 1194 1195 "Irrational Recrimination" "Ice Cream as an Emotional Band-Aid" (I got THAT merit badge forever ago... Is it possible for someone to literally die of embarrassment?" Dora's college slip skirt story (why she has the "Emergency Skirt" at work)...." Pen: "Creepy... NO! I don't want to see any pictures!. NOT HORRIBLE RICTUS. I'm a bitch.. Imagine a mountain lion trapped in a box full of barbed wire and broken glass." Penelope: "It's. kill them with a knife" Hannelore.. I got good genes.. nothing! We want him to come do a reading of his work!" Dora: "In tights and a codpiece!" Faye: "I call sick-day. I know he kind of came off creepy." Sven: "They were more amused than anything else. If Steve Jobs and RFK had a time-traveling clone-baby. Tai offers to kiss and make better.. Hanners is making faces at drinks she doesn't like. NoHoPo come in asking if anything's wrong ("This young lady just ran down Main Street covered in blood and screaming.and someone's pet tarantula just ran across the counter. too? Sven makes him a box lunch.. any pictures of sexy firemen? Dora wishes she had a worry hat.. and gets a "tip" from Faye (Dora: "Penelope HATES Hemingway!") Marten: "You probably shouldn't play the drums in a short skirt...the back of the slip was semi-transparent. you could just talk to her." Amir: "Woman you just BROKE UP with me. Morbid thoughts.. I'm 35. work around her... "That way when things turn out all right I'm pleasantly surprised... Dora: "You know he thinks this is just a game.. and Winslow CATCHES her! "This is 4 GB of sexy fireman pictures. she'd put the Worry hat on my head and tell me silly stories about how it worked until I felt better... Pintsize? Is it true?. we don't talk about that day...

Actualized) Carbon Nanotube Angora? Dora: "Someday we're gonna find out that your dad is really just a plumber and you're a pathological liar. (to Faye) Stop trying to set me on fire with your mind!" "Hey Sven? It's Faye.. rejected in favor of painkillers. It's so intense it's almost pleasurable. I didn't think people actually did spit-takes in real life." Marten: "Don't mess with Hanners. I have GOT to start going over this with people BEFORE they get their junk pierced.. to hit on you in front of me!.That may be the greatest non-sequitur in human history." She found them all. Raven: "Dora told you about Plan Omega?." [Penelope at Lucky's on Main Street in NoHam] Tai: "Awesome!" Piercing Lady: "No kissing... "Wow Faye." Dora.. Is it as glamorous as you imagined? (Both blushing profusely) Lydia: "Yeah." – bad taste.." 1260 1261 1262 1263 1264 1265 1266 1267 1268 1269 1270 1271 1272 1273 1274 1275 1276 1277 1278 1279 1280 1281 1282 1283 1284 1285 1286 1287 1288 1289 1290 1291 1292 1293 1294 1295 1296 1297 1298 1299 1300 1301 1302 1303 1304 It's completely RUINED! (Sympathy is healthier than schadenfreude. Too much information is too much for whom? ".." Lydia: music major with a focus on composition.. Not without a condom or dental dam. Faye meets Lydia: "No. I'm sorry! I needed something pleasant to concentrate on!" Pen: "Ooh.... I was Beatles-medley drunk? No WONDER I don't remember. that's Plan Zeta. too.. Marten's view on bondage is more "utilitarian" (showing Tai how to do Japanese rope-bondage) [Note: Dora's hair turns back to her natural blonde when she grows it out] Happy Holidays from the Ladies of QC! Yelling Bird does the 12 Days of Christmas ... "I'll take him to the emergency room..$395 (we find out the rest in 1295)] Dora: ". I've had worse dates. no licking. "Uh. what do they do? "Post pictures of it on the internet!" Pen's got a date! Pen's got a date! Uh.) Gonna have to buy a new espresso machine. specifically pop songwriting. Will: "Getting relationship advice from you is like getting sailing instructions from a Bedouin." Faye: "I was wondering whose (mouthwash) that was.. All animals.") Pintsize's Internal Monologue (Pregnant Unicorn Foxes in short pants?) Sorority chicks and Sorry Tattoos." Lydia's already got the magazine smack down." A History of Mental Illness and Treatment from Williston Library (does Hanners have a library card?) Tai: "Know how they used to treat hysteria?..." The New Espresso Machine! Laundry Day at Casa Sven! "Can't Get Your Smell Outta My Sheets. Corrine sends Jeph a referral check? (Angela Melick of Wasted Talent) Hanner's new scarf and Theoretical Knitting." Raven: "I hope there are bunnies!" (I thought she was quitting?) Chibi AnthroPC Momo! Sony's newest HPC-4100x-series. here's the book:  "She Dumped Me So I Had Her Trailer Towed"  "Redneck Ain't My Middle Name (But It Should Be)"  "Dale Earnhardt Blues"  "Never Forget to Never Forget" We could still replace you with a mule or something. Dora: "When I told him the model number he started LAUGHING." Tai: "Dora! Dora! I got my hood pierced!" Marten: "My girlfriend is cooing over my boss's vulva like it was a newborn kitten... and my Mustang got its engine rebuilt. So you repay my compassion by sexually harassing me?" Dora: "God help you if you ever earn a promotion. Time to go sob over a pint of Ben & Jerry's. I WILL NOT GROW A PENIS FOR YOU DARPA didn't like your submacopter idea? Dora grows her hair out.. that IS Wil Wheaton in panel three." Dora: "Oh my God." Jeph half-asses the comic! Lazily-rendered robot jokes! Blatant Pandering! Graphic Sex Acts! (all-dark except the eyes) GUEST STRIP – on Jeph and Cristi's WEDDING DAY! GUEST STRIP – (Diesel Sweeties crossover – no Lil' Sis to be seen.." Yelling Bird means only one thing: he forgot his #### Cintiq Pad connectors again. Hopefully by the time I get back he'll at least have some clothes on." "You're not SERIOUS?" [CAMEO STRIP! Yes.. nothing. Steve's in another drunken binge. too...... No. This is too much! You're being too nice to me!" Dora: "Can you believe how wonderful he is?. Boylamities.." Sven: "." "The NERVE of that doctor.) SHE SAID YES! (Extremely ambitious panhandler) Penelope has had Boytastrophies. explosive. Allow me to demonstrate. GUEST STRIP: Dr. aren't we." "Is this really all there is to it?" Gold bricks and diamonds (The simile still stands." Penelope's Internal Monologue Hanner's Internal WALL OF MONOLOGUE ("Huh? Oh." Sven: "Welcome to the magical world of professional songwriting... Pen's strict religious upbringing.1227 1228 1229 1230 1231 1232 1233 1234 1235 1236 1237 1238 1239 1240 1241 1242 1243 1244 1245 1246 1247 1248 1249 1250 1251 1252 1253 1254 1255 1256 1257 1258 1259 Faye: "Dora's stressed about expenses".. no." Tai: "Let's go get my clit pierced!" Marten: ".that sounds like the kind of argument your parents would use... "We also share an affinity for kicking." (Marten grabs Hanners ears!) Sorry I covered your ears. see. Bye. But I'm not into guys!" (Rhetorical vs. I'll make a spreadsheet.and live eels out my. I'm his new intern. Will got a bit sideswiped. Dora: "What kind of guy do YOU want?" Penelope: "Lemme borrow your laptop. and liable to maim you if you hold on too long. Sorry I smacked you in the face." SNAP (pause) (beep boop boop) "Yeah I'll be over around eleven. (Cristi loves 'em) "Mar mar mar mar Marrrrr. makin' cookies! AnthroPC tears are toxic! When humans find themselves leaking an unknown substance." "Real work" for Sven (ATM of BankHampton!) Interns and "Laisse-faire" employment All right. Jeph. for a ska band] LSD as a treatment for OCD? It makes Tai see dragons! Another Yelling Bird Filler Strip ($&#**^% #!&^ IT!) Penelope's Crappy Romance Novels featuring a time-traveling Viking who becomes a Navy SEAL.. and the "no sex with the intern" thing.. Boypocalypses. Hanners in the kitchen with Faye..) Arguing Metaphysics on a date. ". Wanna go play old-timey doctor?" Hannelore is "too weirded out by physical contact and fluids and stuff. BEAR? "I can't believe you hid behind the bench... They're ranked by risk of STD exposure." Pen: "Yes..] Heavily Tatted Pierced Lady gets ready while Tai STRIPS DOWN? "Last kid who fainted in here woke up missing a kidney." The wildlife show bear (if he became a member of the cast. your little guy is kinda pokin' out the fly of your boxers.... A good relationship is like fireworks: loud. "You liked tattoos before they got all POPULAR?" [SPECIALS: were pretty's okay if I talk about my sex life. We're both thinking about Tai naked.. All cute. come in and savor the awkwardness." Pirates and Parrots and Poop (oh my!) Meanwhile. though) Will asks Penelope out to dinner! ("I'm sure that's what some of Dahmer's victims said." BOOM goes the Espresso machine on Faye! Pen: "Ain't Karma a bitch?" Will and Sven discuss relationships." [SPECIAL: We murder your pet and burn your house . (She) doesn't HAVE a comfort zone. they're wrong. met at the Smif benefit dinner last night? Take her on as his intern? Sven: "Oh man. Except maybe tapirs. no nothing. but... Dora: "You could've just said yes..) Tapirs in Hanner's dreams Raven and the Submacopter! Hanner's lack of religion didn't help her fear of dying Lydia relates the Awkwardness to her "boss" Faye: "Get any more goody-goody and little cartoon animals are gonna start flocking around you." Faye: "I bet eBay has a whole category for smoldering debris.." Dora: "Does it bother you?.more like a physicist giving long-division lessons to a ten-year-old." OMG Turkeys 2008 (Hanners 'shippers) Peanut butter sandwiches in the park (Didn't Sven make those for Will?) "I'm only moderately malnourished!" Meaningful philosophical discussion interrupted by a." Lydia the Smith College student. please. Sven: "ANTAGONIST with benefits.

.) "So you're just being a useless lump for no particular reason." (Tortura!) "You couldn't beat it outta me. Octopuses are off the list! My thrift store hookup vs...... "Vulcan Boob Squish!" GUEST STRIP (A Girl And Her Fed). didn't go well. not least he was honest. STAHT DA REACTAH.. GUEST STRIP (Lucid TV): Hanners never can remember her dreams.. upset over this becoming a BS test.. Not really..." Faye: ".. unfortunately.. My vintage glasses hookup! Angus: "We've been having an honest-to-god conversation for 20 minutes now!" Faye: ". STFU! IDGI. "'I'm sorry?' That's the best you can do?" Hanners cheers up Faye with National Geographic Big Book of Kitty Pictures! (sells better than their Big Book of Third World Poverty) Pintsize tries to be a rebound. Whitford and BUTCHER?) MAHTEN." So Steve. it was only a dream (though Sven left Boo-boo with her.. "I don't CARE how good I look in a corset." Raven the "Deepthroat Chopra. and Pintsize?) Hanners: "Get out of here!" There should be apology greeting cards for awkward situations.." (Helen of Troy and Medea!) Sven is such a PIG." Faye: "Sigh.) Gina Riversmith just made herself a target to Faye. shall ve?"  "All my plans.. ON A REGULAR BASIS. and the sighs are louder (Marten. bitch.  "Dave proposed to me last night. we put that on indefinite hiatus.. No Words Necessary (Winslow's "gift" to Momo isn't appreciated – and Pintsize takes the brunt of his anger) Why a tentacle? That's it. So. to find AMERICA! "Like Kerouac and Cassady before me!" Faye's Cold. "Curse my puny indie rock physique!" Hanners has the flu – and Marten had an unintentional free show (Dora: "I guess I never have to worry about you cheating on me." "Fancy glasses man is fancy. Pintsize? MEMORIZE IT. Faye gets her dream wish from 1141.". I just felt bad for bringing it up. C: "I see.") "You didn't want me to feel insecure. they were trying for kids. and I reeeeally need to learn to think before I speak.Y-yeah... see you Monday"] Drinkin' Scrabble with Marty.." Pen: "Gee. Do you know who Gina Riversmith is? ("I moved North to escape country music. welcome to…" THUD! THUD! THUD! [Single funniest moment in the strip] It's late at night." WHAT? Lydia: "I'm double majoring in Music and Being a Decent Human Being.. okay. Stop messing with him! "I'll try to barf more quietly next time... his "housemates" threw a "Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead" party when they broke up.... right in the middle of downtown Northampton! Dora: "My idiot brother screwed some other girl.. NOW I get it.." (There needs to be a monster truck option..." Sven: "Great! That'll save us both an awkward breakup conversation." "Last I heard.. Penelope.." ("It's Penny's turn to clean up the blood." (Prancing through a minefield) Hanners: "Marten. the end. Faye. FOILED! By YOU?! Who sent you?! NSA? CIA?" "The US Department . what have you been up to? Uh. your girlfriend is thinking dirty thoughts about me! Make her stop!" So who do YOU have dirty thoughts about. "The universe could've undergone HEAT DEATH and it'd still be too soon. You got a job to do for your country.. (Mom nom nom!) Sven: "I can see why Will would do something completely retarded to impress you." (Smirking remarks.> There's other fish in the sea. Apologize and move on (passive-aggressive) Makeup Pasta! Dora: "Talk about (crappy) timing. my intern is proud of me... "I Didn't Mean Your Retarded Baby"." Hanners: "Most I can hope for is an epitaph that says 'She finally snapped like we always knew she would. did it. or plowing through.) Lydia: "You told Faye? It..) Hanners passes out in Marty's arms... And how does this make you feel?" "There are two ways to pass a hurdle – leaping over.. and." <Pintsize: Actually. Pintsize 2008) Marten: "No. Marten?." Cosette just made it worse: "Do you know him?" Dora: "CARNALLY. THAT's a shocker. we were friends with benefits until he slept with another girl." Will's vision quest at Skyclad Acres Nudist Colony? You want to talk. yesterday? "I came here hoping to get a good hard rebound sass." [1/2 price bagels. she's the first one you kill? Pintsize: I think I can do that." Dora's maternal instincts kick in. how about if you ever lose your morality programming and go berserk.) Dora considers therapy.." Faye: "You sleep with someone else and I'm GONE. He's not so bad once you get past the smirking remarks.. marinating in your own germs? AUGHHH! Winslow reboots. of kicking your ass. "Dude." (Jeph in the background again?) Angus drops by (hoping an allosaurus got him).." Happy New Year! (Winslow 2009." Post-traumatic Tourette's Syndrome. Faye." ("It's Raven's turn to clean up the blood."  "Tell me vhere ze documents are hidden.") Hanner's worst fear: Water's out in the building. 2x price muffins. the year 2647!? "Breast Pits of Sexicon Eleven".... "Awesome.. You're all driving each other insane!" The band has hit a roadblock – no guitarist (Amir) and no keyboards (Nat). no.... spike pit.") Hanners in a BioSuit.. Okay. SMACK! THUD! "Give me one good reason I shouldn't kick the #### out of you right now... laser cave for Faye!) "I'm onto you" (Tapir's been served!) [Giraffes? Giraffes!] . they were throwing BOTTLES at your head. Faye: Damn. Steve offers to be a singer. Because when the robot revolution comes. unnamed] flirts with Marten (A la recherche du temps perdu and The Stand?) "I gotta get some stronger deodorant.." [Is that an "Envy Hat"?] Faye 'speriments on Hanners. Fat lotta f'in' good THAT does. (NSFW) Faye is Muffin C'thulu! Nostalgia and Modest Mouse? 1337-speak interlude! (n00bz. "I Guess You're Allergic To Peanuts." Cosette: "Hi." "Eh. I want her to be the first one up against the wall. YOU HAVE TO GET TO MAHS. Any recent Faye drama I should be aware of?" "Just watch a random episode of Days of Our Lives. I'll go get the hose. no.. RAVEN??? "You always have to tell me I'm the prettiest... then?" "YAY..") Dora the inquisitor: "Anything interesting happen?" Marten: "Uh..) Lydia: "So what's the lovely and talented Miss Riversmith like in person?" Sven: "Not that great in bed. things are great. Faye? We can use puppets! (It was a slow morning.." "Let's see about zat.. so you decided to hide the fact that another girl asked you out?" ("I didn't say it was a good plan!") Upset over being dishonest. I had to say yes! We were MEANT for each other! Please understand!"  "Plausible deniability.1305 1306 1307 1308 1309 1310 1311 1312 1313 1314 1315 1316 1317 1318 1319 1320 1321 1322 1323 1324 1325 1326 1327 1328 1329 1330 1331 1332 1333 1334 1335 1336 1337 1338 1339 1340 1341 1342 1343 Marten tells mom about what he showed his boss in 1302. Huh". he was dating someone who wasn't fond of CoD (snail in a latte). so it's handi-wipe time! (Lemon singularity!) Cosette [first appearance. Nobody would believe you if you tried to expose us. (Dude. and "Enjoy the comic.. just gonna keep glaring at me?" Steve's beard! Hannelore is MORTIFIED! [Steve's T-shirt: I destroyed a secret underground lair and all I got was this lousy tshirt] Dr." (It's more complicated than that.' So anyway! Wanna get pancakes?" Sven braces for impact. "Sorry I Outed You To Your Family" (We have a winnah!) [Others: "Was That Your Dog? Oh". I'm not giving your REFILL my number either!" Jimbo! Skank Sci-Fi! Commentary on our current society! (?) "There was a boy." Will's on a journey. Dora and Faye! Hanners inquires about the game – but "Not if it's gonna involve that much tickling. that isn't even Schwarzenegger's LINE. Bacon Latte] Yelling Bird meets Webcomics Weekend's Hawk.. Faye: "Oh... Pen gets a letter from Will (Larry.." 1344 1345 1346 1347 1348 1349 1350 1351 1352 1353 1354 1355 1356 1357 1358 1359 1360 1361 1362 1363 1364 1365 1366 1367 1368 1369 1370 1371 1372 1373 1374 GUEST STRIP (Remedial Comics) Pintsize flameboy! "See that face.. well..

bypassed the chassis hardware.. she administers a small electric shock) Marigold! [YAOI ZONE!] "And what are you doing with Momotan?.. That's my personal favorite... chorizo latte] Look who's at the door! WILL! "Shut up and kiss me." Pen: "Gimme ten more minutes. It's not healthy. She's pretty.." I'm not quite symmetrical.. Wow (A Sexuality Shop) "The GSX-9500..." [Habanero scones. Frosty Beers and Fancy Outfits! AWKWARD ZONE DEFEATED! So wassa deal with you an' Faye... Here. I – what are you guys doing here?... or EATING the MOON.. Angus and Faye say goodnight. uh. I dunno if you'd be interested in meeting – " YES! 1431 1432 1433 ". hour off?" Tai couldn't get the confetti ready! Perfect Play: A Book about Solved Games Angus is a professional strawman.. she shouldn't be living in that kind of filth. Hannelore? It's Dora. PT410x (our antagonist).. Red_Robot (Diesel Sweeties). and Hanners has lousy aim. and Dora will drive the getaway van. Sven. DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING. Hannelore with administer a sedative. "I know just what we need to do...'" Pintsize: "Wait.. ewwww.. I wanna get paid for this full hour. Marten. kiddo.. and he stoppeth one of three.. (they're either) antennae for the satellite uplink in my skull. Like curing cancer. "So basically you're telling me you're a TOTAL ####ING LOSER?" He worked in college six years ago.." (pause) "Wow that's a lot of porn. right?" Marigold wants to watch anime with Hanners! Hanners wants her to SHOWER FIRST! (Chibi AnthroPC's have clear viscous liquid to simulate nervous sweat drops.. and if this place isn't SPOTLESS I'm throwing out everything you own and you can START OVER." "I can't take you anywhere. news programs." Faye: "Smarming your way into my social circle ain't gonna earn you any brownie points.. 3ve (from AppleGeeks).." (Magical Love Gentleman! Hanners is hooked!) Momo: "There is no such this as a 'sentience matrix..." Band Mode and Sex Mode? Faye is now Miss Gin Mistakes Massachusetts Sharking: Two-finger poke of DOOM! Tai got dumped by Jill.minute I start getting serious about someone I #### everything up.. anyway? "her issues with dudes..." Angus and Marten in the Awkward Zone.." Will's in love.she just seems cool." He won't even boot off the external drive. wherefore earn'st thou a liberal arts degree?'" Angus: "Wait. or I just knew it would tick off my mom...... This is Yaoi." Lydia: "Have you done ANYTHING lately other than play WOW and sleep?" "Your eyes are shining like the bottom of a bottle of beer" "Already sold it. Octopus Pie.... Great.." ONE GIRL asked me out! Tai: "Fix her up with Steve!" Marty: "A picture of you with your shirt off under a waterfall.. 1448 . and Marten's got the Bearskin rug photo. Pintsize0101.. I don't wanna see you get hurt like that again. Dresden Kodak. I'll remove an article of clothing." Pintsize and how Rule 34 gives him hope for humanity! Time to get rid of that hoodie.. god." "Can I have.For every resume you send out." Dora: "Seriously..." Angus wasn't into anime at first. Dora overwhelmed by Momo's CUTE! (After 90 seconds. HELLA issues.. [4133XX-8704] "So. what is she doing in there?" 1418 1419 1420 1421 1422 1423 1424 1425 1426 1427 1428 1429 1430 Hanners: "I'm coming back in a week. CLASSY." So.." No.. and KimikoRoss (Dresden Kodak)] Faye gets caught up.. did you call about the glasses? Only one thing to do: Speed Beer! Competitive Drunken Sledding! Hanners LOVES it! Close the shop! It's a drunken sledding party! (Angus tags along with Faye) THEY ARE BUILDING A RAMP! "Shouldn't we be worried about the police?" (as they pass by with a toboggan) [More "friends of Jeph" in the background – and is that Wil Wheaton again?] Sven shows up.. YOUR roommate fixed MY roommate's horrible pet robot?" Angus: "I owe Hannelore at LEAST two drinks.. you know..political rallies.. she's always got something "geeky" to do… but at what price? (Marigold's alone. but he got more and more into it. No wonder! (Hanners freaks out about her own smile?) "Is there ONE COFFEE SHOP in this town where I can get a latte without being propositions for a threesome?" Faye: "…how DID you manage to get all those ear piercings…?" Hanners: "I have ear piercings? AAAIEEE!!!! Hehehehe." Marten: "I'd rather stick with something more attainable. got evicted by his father. not YELLING BIRD again. Lydia. Raven) Steve: "It's a RELIEF! I LIKE having a normal job..." Angus: "Hey Marigold. Hanners.1375 1376 1377 1378 1379 1380 1381 1382 1383 1384 1385 1386 1387 1388 1389 1390 1391 1392 1393 1394 1395 1396 1397 1398 1399 1400 1401 1402 1403 1404 1405 1406 1407 1408 1409 1410 1411 1412 1413 1414 1415 1416 1417 The Hawk gives up its prey (Yelling Bird!) I was licked by a giraffe at the zoo! (That's when I started screaming and they made me leave.) Faye has a cell-phone Libido Argument..." "How can you LIVE in that kind of mess?.." "Pull out everything but his brain-stem so I can use him as my comatose ####-toy?" Oh. he's booting up.. Oooh. Pet rat?" "Prolly a hardware issue.) Magical Love Gentleman! Angus is roped in! Will ran out of money." Will: "You liked my letters?" Pen: "I don't think they'll let us have sex inside Washington's nose at Mount Rushmore. I'll use a net... but not when I do it?" Faye: "He was a little kid!" Dora: "What? No." Marten: "After what happened with Sven.. I'm copying the Hentai directory. 1434 1435 1436 1437 1438 1439 1440 1441 1442 1443 1444 1445 SCORN! 1446 1447 (Faye needs a cigarette!) What's this "secret things" item in the sculpture budget? "It is a McDonald's Cashier. I'm thinking of buying a house." Faye: "And making me nauseous. ". I've got it! Hey. I END MESSES." Angus suggests a snowball to the head of Sven for Faye? [Background Cameos from: Girls With Slingshots. Penelope bursts! Will: "And that's another thing I love about you – your sense of hyperbole." "You realize I mainly did abstract metal sculpture.. Sven's in. sighing at home) Cosette returns..1".. Tai: "Dora! Dora! Marten says I can have sex with you!" Dora: "Nice try. so it's okay that (MARTEN) cries at cartoons... like." Angus given two minutes for Bad Jokes by Faye and Hannelore Pintsize is unresponsive! Momo: "Shall I make you a tinfoil hat? I am highly skilled at Origami.. Anders Loves Maria.. the next.. government-issue stay up most of the night drinkin' with a dude and you get a pretty good idea of what he's about... Get it right next time. "Want me to go get my calipers?" Steve: "T-tortura?." Marty: "That's 'same ol' same ol'?" QC Sock Puppet Theatre (Dora..... Faye talks to Dora about her Libido argument.. Wil: ". You cleaned Marigold's room? THANK YOU!" STOP HUGGING STOP HUGGING STOP HUGGING!!! Marigold: "You mixed the Yaoi in with the regular stuff.." Marten: "You're better off strikin' out swingin'. you dolt. gotcha" "I just took an ativan and didn't look." "I am Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham. Marten needs to talk to Angus. didn't have a job. "I get paid to adopt a position and then lose the debate over it... 'By thy patchy beard and glittering eye. "He actually cried at the ending!" (Faye starts to drool catatonically) Angus gets hit by a wall of. that kinda thing. she's smart. Johnny Wander] Aw. "More Kim Jong Il than Jimmy Carter. "Joseph Smith meets the Brady Bunch.. contempt? "I want you to do a sculpture for the shop.." Angus: ".." (Pintsize: "Last time I ever try to rewire myself.. Faye.. would you two just go home and #### already? You're distracting the customers. what?" ["AnthroIRC 3. The guy I was supposed to debate with was a strawmen hired by the other side." GUEST STRIP (Hijinks Ensue) Hannelore can't handle ComicCon (and neither can Jeph?) Marten asks Angus about Marigold.." Marten: "The Considerate F### Machine...if I start looking for a job. . "Wait. you'll stay?" Pen: ". Wasted Talents.. Tai.. Marten honey.. man. Whatever." Hanners has "smile" issues. Diesel Sweeties. she's funny. Pocky!") Marigold: "Oh.

often get this violent with Pintsize?. There's really nothing worse than regret." Corrupt version of the update... "Without that extra couple minutes I'll be too sleepy to hide the bodies properly..." Sven: "I miss you. we're NOT cool..." Hanners: "Decimal point.. You're a lucky dude.You said you were goin' home. there is no telling what it will –" Four THUMBS? Jeph & Cristi at one year.. . Momo." (Marten: "This is the setup for the most awkward lesbian porn scene ever. what am I gonna DO?" Momo-sama: "YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.1449 1450 1451 1452 1453 1454 1455 1456 1457 1458 1459 1460 1461 1462 1463 1464 1465 1466 1467 1468 1469 we just rented The Land Before Time last –" Marten: "HUSH YE." Hanners: "I see a smiiiilllllle" [Fridge: LISTS SUCK." "I don't CARE how you CAUGHT HIM.." Monacled Barkeep: "I'm putting it on her tab. but a clockwork simulacra... (Hanners: "Oh.. it was easy to reproduce.." Hanners: "Angus! You're a boy. six?" ". Gimme five minutes on Wikipedia." (YOU'RE SUCH A JERK) "Aren't you HORRIFIED by my FREAKISH..I remember what that was like. you know about these things. THANKS.." (SZZZZT!) Faye: "You invited MARIGOLD?" Hanners: "You have to be nice. Marigold is pretty...0 dump site at can also use the clone stamp tool in PS to get rid of your pimples.." Hanners hits the sweet spot of 40 hours of being awake.." Faye: "WHAT." (pause) "NO we are NOT going to 'lez out'" "Have you ever had a boyfriend?" "N-no."  Hanners: "…who would ever want to have sex with a regular old COMPUTER?. I wanna (make sure) you're not secretly ABUSING him.. (What" BAHAAAAHAHAHA! Dude...yeah.I'M GONNA VOID MY WARRANTY. GUEST STRIP (johnnywander.." "Large Phillips screwdriver." BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL… Where did AnthroPC's come from?  Hanners: "Basically.." Faye: ". I want digits! Gimme a copy of that update!" B-but we have completely different Hanners takes the "boys" to the beach! GUEST STRIP (Danielle Corsetto!) Bad timing.. (Sven and Faye. but if I hadn't met you I wouldn't have met Dora. Sven.." Marigold meets Faye (Feel free to hit her if she's mean to by six. and Yelling Bird? I AM THE THUMBLORD! "Okay. you coulda just told me to #### off." Marten: "So you were really nervous when you came up and introduced yourself to Steve and me?" Faye: "Well yeah. ambergris tea.. CRONENBERGIAN METAMORPHOSIS?" No. that's the day they decide to tear up the street in front of Hanner's apartment. (GO TO SLEEP. wait. I was joking!" [HORDE RULES t-shirt] Will got the job! No shame in doing what Pen wants.The 9. (And the other ten percent is burps) 1479 1480 1481 1482 1483 1484 1485 1486 1487 1488 1489 1490 1491 1492 1493 1494 1495 1496 1497 1498 1499 1500 1501 "NNNNDYOUGUYSSUCK" 1470 1471 1472 1473 RIP Les Paul (Multitrack Forty Pours!) Angus was uninvited.." "TWELVE?! WOW!" "Apparently being in such close proximity to my loveliness causes a time-dilation effect... Faye! I'll be so mad at you if you make fun of her! ." (Can't… can't imagine why…) .I know this great rock quarry outside town. you're right. that is) Marten beer-mentors Marigold. get him OUT FROM UNDER MY BED!" Sven: "Basically I picked the worst possible girl on earth to develop a conscience and feelings and such about." "And now I'M gonna have nightmares about getting pregnant after murder-sexing him in a dumpster. you?" "You can probably guess..000 would probably bounce.. like paint drying? AWESOME! FRRRT! "Oh god I'm so sorry! I forgot you were there!" Want any baked goods before we play muffin toss? (Muffins are most accurate.. this is a delightful little heart-to-heart we're having but I have to PEE" Marigold: "Can I try a sip of your wine?" Hanners: "Um. right?" Angus: "Yes I'm afraid so.. I'm sorry he 'misses me' or whatever but that's the best I can do..backwash and all.) Hanners: "You're so pretty!" Mar: "No I'm not. Dora trusts Marty (and this is the lady who nearly eviscerated a girl for askin' him out a while back?) "Drat.. Hanners?) "Even banged up like this." Marten: ". I'm not the real Dora.. HEY!) Marigold has issues with beer. QC Slashfic personified! GUEST STRIP (John Keogh's Lucid TV) Uh. I don't think I ever COULD." "Look...." Angus comforts Marigold… and her Badtz-Maru panties… "You're not an idiot..." And what does Pintsize first go for? (See 415) "Sorry about the new guys are so. and that's where all you little guys came from!"  Winslow: "Pintsize says that's a cover story and the REAL origin of sentient machines is 'cause somebody had sex with a computer.) (schadenhorny) Hanners watches as Mar "raids" on WOW.." "." "Umm. You misplaced the decimal point in this column. Thermal paste. Oh wow.) Unfortunately." (And that check for $65. you found me out..Yes. THEN YOU'LL BE SORRY!" "St-stay away from me!" TZZZAP! POP! 1502 1503 1474 AAAUGH! 1475 1476 "Momo friggin' BLEW UP my PC!" "I didn't mean to! WAAAAH!" (Marigold isn't very self-aware) Faye apologizes to Angus. Once we figured out that combination." Marigold: "You're such a jerk.. is pretty.. and has some issues with coffee." "I was. Don't mess it up... no please? . YOU suck." Faye: "Aww. which one of us is dreaming this?" Marigold: "…the other two girls in my guild.." It's just sad." (WoW sluts gives you Night Elf porn?) Photography 101: It's all in the angles and cropping… ". Marigold: "I can't believe what this corset is doing to my boobs. Dad? You there?"  (To Dora) "And then he got all quiet and changed the subject. it's a girl's name.. that is...." Angus: ".. Faye." Faye: "Next time I try to 'fix' a boy it's gonna be with a pair of hedge clippers." NO JUDE LAW CHASSIS! Pintsize: "Do not mock the Breast Jihad!" Momo: "She would like nothing more than to attend your social function!" Marigold: "What.. "DAMMIT Momo you are going to stop playing that video game THIS INSTANT and have a CIVIL CONVERSATION or you are GROUNDED!" ".. walnut brownies hit harder) "My friend Hannelore is watching me play. #### MARIGOLD CLEAN YR LEFTOVERS] " Marigold? Approve my latest firmware update?. 1504 1505 1506 1477 1478 Dijon Mustard is the winner! What kind of work is a poet qualified for? "Beowulf was actually just Viking viral marketing. I have digits!" (Pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop) "MAKE IT STOP!!!!" Faye: "All I told him was I'd be civil to him when he was in the shop. it's an 8." [Whaleflavored latte." (I'm out of astrophysics quips. "No. the first artificial mind came together from a combination of non-sentient software and hardware.." Angus gets hit by squirrel. and Marigold! (. Hanners? In a western? With Pintsize? GUEST STRIP (Diesel Sweeties) Magical Love Phone? Yelling Bird Returns from ComicCon Marigold: "Does Faye. his chassis is still worth four or five grand. WOMAN" GUEST STRIP (Rosalarian): Why Dora REALLY stopped dyeing her hair (kissing you is like kissing my own child!) Pintsize's proposal precludes a Pounding! ("Gauss-rifle" WHAT?) GUEST STRIP (bunny-comic.. did you get the bad firmware upgrade too? Marigold has a patch that will –") "You people friggin' SUCK.. and that woulda sucked....") 90% of what comes out of Faye's mouth is meaningless sasstalkin'.. the bartender owes Faye $20!) Marigold: "Wh-what's going on?" Hanners: "You came in!" Faye: "You just cost me 20 bucks.. you're just a little shaky on the self-esteem front. it's been FOREVER since I've had to punch you!" Marigold doesn't realize she's been watched as she comes in (and if she chickens out.) "It's not safe there.6 Ditchfork gave it is BS. They're always postin' slutty pictures of themselves on our forums… What're you doing?" Angus: "What's the address?.. the whole Argentinian economy. Squirrel. Pintsize: "Man. BLOOD + THUNDER] Penelope: "THAT's the nicest suit you own?!" Monacled owner of the Horrible Revelation: "You're hired..." Dora: "You should become a professional Philandering Ahole Therapist. easy....

(How do we find her?) Marty & Steve stop by Tai's dorm room.. vomit on my shoes." So Raven's really studying physics now? Raven: ". and I kind of wanted to MAKE OUT with your mom..Arms?" "H-hi!" OMG Turkeys 2009 (the ladies do some 'shipping) "Hi I'm Randy! I'm a Bandicoot!" (Yelling Bird HATES Randy) Cosette is on crutches with a black eye." Team Riker looks on as the fire alarm sounds! Steve gets welcomed "to the club" (Boyfriend Waiting Area) Nice haircut." (Muh?) Are you okay with this? "Omigod can I be the flower girl?" Marcel: "W-wait.") Penny: "aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Angus takes Marigold to the movies. Faye gets all freaked out: ". "STEVEN! A gentleman NEVER asks a lady to do that on the first date!" Cosette's intense – and very unlucky. Angus realizes she's telling the truth…and runs away ("apparently I'm not a very credible source of information. wetlands preservation. waving to me..." Dora wants to go to NRRDcon too… And Pintsize's doujinshi??? Marigold won the Magical Love Gentleman trivia contest! And got a stuffed Sosuke! (Dora checks: anatomically correct!) And Hanners got Faye a TSUNDERE shirt… JIMBO? Vampire steampunk young-adult romance – "Antoinette Banemoon and the Case of the Airship Automatons" Marigold the awkward Superfan (Anything broken? "Juzdt by dignidy. and I guess maybe I helped make that happen… so (why be) mad at her?.) Karaoke with Dad and friends! Who did what and when – and why did Faye punch Hanners? "I'm gonna refer to you as Dad Two: Dad Harder." Marten: "Oooh.. .) Roombas make for lousy extreme sport vehicles." "It was nice to actually spend some time with you for a change!" (Marigold puts on a happy face!) 1536 1537 1538 1539 1540 1541 1542 1543 1544 1545 1546 1547 1548 1549 1550 1551 1552 1553 1554 1555 1556 1557 1558 1559 1560 1561 1562 1563 1564 1565 1566 1567 1568 1569 1570 1571 1572 Nonconsensual Snuggling Marigold! The "Moustache Rides $5.. we'd be calling them 'whitakers' instead of 'hookers.'" Faye: "I have allure coded right into my genes!" Faye tells Marten about her "incident" with Angus… and then realizes the implications.. never heard from her.. I'm just kidding…" Tai: "I'm glad you have a sense of humor. You helped me over that hurdle. Angus likes you. I wasn't joking. which is a good thing.. and pass out in one of the bathroom stalls. "HE used a cheat code...It just feels so much more .. But then. #### you in the ear?" Pintsize: "Friggin FINALLY" . "How would you feel about.... Dora: "I'm a small business owner. she IS a different person than she was back then. with my granddad waiting at the end. I'll be walkin' down the street one day and she'll just fall into my – (limp limp limp AGH!) ." "My grandma made cryptic references to our ancestors bein' boarded by YANKEE… SEAMEN????" Dora: "If that were true.. you were serious?" He said YES! Let's celebrate (We have a weird group of friends..." Marten had a fanboy episode with Thurston Moore… who's Thurston Moore? Angus asks Faye out.") Too bad Marty smells like daffodils.. (Dad's coming up this weekend!) Oh...") OH MY GOD I'M AN IDIOT. speculate about what you spent all your time doing in there.. I can't believe you just told Angus about your dad all upfront like that… yesterday you told him that you were descended from a family of Civil War pirates. uh… about me remarrying?" (Huh? Guh… buh… gah?) "Oh..' We used to. Because of you. "He's gotta run the gauntlet. Winslow: "Maybe if we put on a spoiler it'll go faster.. (pause) Nah. Marty deals with Annette (the physics teacher at Hampshire – who likes bongs?) Tai: "Guys.what do I have to do to convince you I'm happy with you. "O great and noble poet" Marten: "…And all it cost me was my dignity... Desperate Cosette is desperate! Luna: "I saw. you could get Dora a corset!" Marten: "No thanks. Of course.) Nope. "You insensitive ASSHOLE!" "Wow.. He really did ruin my childhood. Although. Steve: "What happened to YOU?" Luna: "She was going down the stairs but was too busy ogling that picture of you and missed a steOOF!" Cosette used the wrong crutch for that WHACK! though.. Marten: "I'm full up on parental-sex-life-horror thanks to mom. My friend Chad was CONVINCED you were secretly a fetish model or camwhore or something." After five hours in ER..... NOW." And Faye does the first class sass revenge on the man who smacked her in the butt! (Now remember.. we only do friggin' lattes on Wednesday..." Luna: "I'm not stalking you! I just want a friggin' latte!" Faye: "Sorry... and Marty sits on a couple of unexpected things! While Steve figures out it's Cosette Beauvais Hurlbut (with Tai's help). yeah.." Tai: "So your parents split up basically 'cause your dad realized he was gay?" Marten: "…it definitely contributed to things… deteriorating… (ring) Speak of the devil. I saw a tunnel of light. I keep expecting something to go wrong.. In my family that's traditionally a Mother's Day present. it's nothing to be worried about." Marty: "First I was pissed… but Faye's right. 1987) Party's OVER! (Yelling bird in a bottle) Andy gives her some… $3 wine? Happy ####ing New Year." Dora Bianchi International Airport? Steve: "Dune-themed costume party!" Raven's back off to school.. Those were his first words.SCIENCY this way!" Tai: "School's nerd convention (NRRD CON) is this weekend!." Sven didn't have to. (Forget bearded clams or bald tacos." Hanners meets Steve and Cosette at yon Italian restaurant.... we have liftoff! [no dialogue] Angus' suicide joke makes Faye uncomfortable – and Angus doesn't believe her. and just got out of the hospital.. and I think I've seen that person complaining to Faye before – in a toy store? [Cameo: Amber O'Malley from Shortpacked!] Cosette: "I've just never been on a random date with a guy that went this well before.1507 1508 1509 1510 1511 1512 1513 1514 1515 1516 1517 1518 1519 1520 1521 1522 1523 1524 1525 1526 1527 1528 1529 1530 1531 1532 1533 1534 1535 Dora: "You want to grow a MOUSTACHE... Unless.I JUST HANDLED A BOY-SITUATION LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING!. this started off as a fun little diversion but if I end up having to testify in court I'm gonna be SO PISSED. but Steve's left hangin'. You're the underachieving peon. definitely don't try that approach with dad." Faye: "Zugzug..) Hanners: "come to Smif Nerd-Con with me!" Marigold: "Let's do this. Happy Holidays from the MEN of QC! A Very Sweet-tits New Year! (Andy comes over for the party – WHAT party?) SHAME ORB? (June 14.000" t-shirt Hanners doesn't understand what it means.") Marten DOES look good as a little Yaoi Boy! (Magical Love Gentleman Marten!) Will's not digging the working man's lifestyle. right. but could you please not bring it to work with you?" Dora finds out about NRRDcon and Marty's Dad coming to visit at the same time! "Do your parents ever plan ANYTHING more than a couple days in advance?" (conceiving joke – and an oblique reference to 922) Dora's in a tizzy.. Did you know she has a blog now?" Dora: "GIVE ME THE URL.. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?!" (Penelope: "P-pplease s-stop sh-sh-shaking m-me") Let the second guessing begin ("I didn't get all weird or anything.. Marigold! "Because you're a STUPID JERK! Who SMELLS!" Angus: "O venom-tongued maiden! Stay your barbs. fifty grand when it's born or the little bastard goes to China to make Nikes." They're going skiing up at Stowe in Vermont.. he "then proceeded to drink too much. after Marigold does a mind wipe (What WAS Momo doing with her Ichiro figure?) Marigold: "I'm trying to be less of a shut-in. I beseech you!" And then. Faye apologizes for hurting Marten ("I'm a different person than I was back then. (they met at his nightclub. POP! Goes her neck! Luna: "What the hell were you doing?!" (at least she can wiggle her toes.") Developed naturally = spent the entire weekend in bed. unless. if I assume..." Steve: "Yeah.. I know. and Marten can't understand why: "You did fine with my mom…" Dora: "…we weren't dating yet. Marten: "NOT IN MY BATHROOM!" (Dora: "There's lotion under the sink!") Roomba to Houston." Marten: "Just for a couple of days?" Dora: "..." Henry and Maurice (OH MY GOD YOU ARE GONNA BE SO HOT WHEN YOU GO GRAY) Maurice is an environmental engineer.." Angus: "You were 'that weird chick who never leaves her room.." Marigold: "You do make a pretty good return I'm gonna stop grooming my lady-area.

it SORT OF is. we hit a nerve!" Marigold: "That kind of HTML was cutting edge in.." How Marigold met Angus. "You're a Good Man. "Tell her that you can have a place of your own. that sort of thing." "You'll get better with practice." Mieville meets Pintsize. or the Moon." (and. 2010… DUH. wait'll I start talking about getting married and having kids." (Marty's having flashbacks to his parents' custody battles over him…) [Note on fridge: THE ICE CREAM IS MINE – F ] Faye: "I'll be honest with you – I'D rather you just move in with Marty and me.. I really shoulda done laundry this morning. and she basically admitted to it.. But we're just friends. calling "not-cool" on each other. You're over practically every night as it is.. You're drunk.. Humpy Sound Latte.. She's in Faye's lap.. burritos. started killing everyone.".." [Sex Pony Mocha. ". Hannelore Realdoll" Marigold wasn't traumatized by Faye." "And you're an idiot. Finally found her clothes in the dishwasher. 136 proof... uh." NO! I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO IT! She does it! And." Dora: "You're MY delicate flower. you think I'm too wimpy to pick (the couch) up myself?" Steve: "Yes.. lady!) Hannelore makes wusses of them all (is she REALLY going to pop Marten's thumbnail?) 1606 1607 1608 1609 1610 1611 1612 1613 1614 1615 1616 1617 1618 1619 1620 1621 1622 1623 1624 1625 1626 1627 1628 1629 1630 1631 1632 1633 1634 1635 1636 "That's like the 15th time you've tried.Buh) Marty talks to Faye. ". then I retire. but I'm just trying to spare you the horror of itemizing my Big Box O' Sex Toys." Pintsize: "He's going to dinner#### her booze hole!" Faye finds out Marigold's "secret admirer".1573 1574 1575 1576 1577 1578 1579 1580 1581 1582 1583 1584 1585 1586 1587 1588 1589 1590 1591 1592 1593 1594 1595 1596 1597 1598 1599 1600 1601 1602 1603 1604 1605 M-MY SOCIAL PROTOCOL DATABASE ADVISES YOU TO REFRAIN FROM COMPLETING THAT SENTENCE! WELP I'M GOIN' TO BED (It's not what it looks like! "Well. awkward conversation about rapier wits and pool noodles. Angus: "How are you not freaking out right now?" Hanners: "I'm storing it for later.. when I can discharge it at a safe location. drinks AND a show!") ["OLD CANCER MULE single-batch bourbon whiskey.." No. ". Dora: "Twenty bucks says they hook up... Hanners appears with her cricket bat because she thought they "might have snapped and. and Marigold. and Angus left the room. Pintsize offers his "services" Tai's drunk (after only 1 ½ beers). Tai doesn't normally sleep naked. But for the record. BY THEMSELVES?. right?" "NO." Faye: "I'm the friggin' Sherlock Holmes of wacky AnthroPC mishaps. you're really warm.. and wants to JUMP HIS BONES. Dora: ".. Faye peeks... and I like havin' y'all around." Angus cleans.. you're WONDERFUL. Maybe Yucca's not like she put a dissected frog down my shirt or anything." Hanners: "I mean... Penelope 2: "You're really bad at this. NO. saves some of the resulting blood? Ladypile on Faye's lap! Marten: "Dammit." Marten smashed his thumb with a hammer (drunk picture hanging is not recommended).] Hanners gets Maternal... and Miss OCDelightful gets curious about the "party favors". but only if I get custody of you on weekends. didn't learn much in "joining a Secret Society" (but he did find "Blackmail and Kidnapping Avoidance" interesting... I might send a sample off to test for genetic disease markers. gin. Like. Marten: "Please don't. But CLONING? That's just silly. Marigold sets land speed records into the bathroom.. Jenkins? (iRoomba R&D Lab) Tai wants "that kind" of relationship (and Marten's girl!) Tai: "My ideal is basically you. (Marten: "This is going to end badly. boob.using someone else's computer feels weird. "Ooh. but the bourbon is flowing! "Okay." (After which Faye smacked him off-panel?) Moving. "You think it's scary NOW. Hannelore says STOP IT! Marigold: "See? I AM pathetic." Marigold does have a job – website developer! "Not bad for an amateur". (Since when does Steve have a truck?) Marten: "What. track his chromosomal history.." Half of it is going to Goodwill. Magical Love Gentleman! [April 1. um. no.") Hannelore Helps Hangovers – and accepts HUGS? Meanwhile.." Dora has Cuddle Rabies! [Smiley face on the muffin?] YELLING BIRD: Secret Plotline Text File: "Everyone #####. I meant YOU could move in with ME!" Thinking about the future is scary. SHE KISSES THE BOY! "WHOA hang on. Like wearing another person's pants or something. it's too early in the morning to be surrounded by singing Munchkins. Marigold you're GREAT." Marigold wakes up to the post-hangover Self-Hatred. Angus McPhee" ("Whoa.. When I was kid I always imagined I'd be normal by now... I know you want to help.. I resent you tryin' to entice me with alcohol.) They were talking about dancing! DANCING! ("I've never done that before. (Iwha.. you left Angus. or is it "secret crush?" AWKWARDNESS LEVEL CRITICAL! "Wow look at the time I really oughta get going" (as her drunk bubbles pop) Angus: "Huh?" Marigold" "Bye Faye!" Faye returns home: "We were drunk and talkin' about boys. who's ALSO DRUNK. Guaranteed to harm you and your pets.. Dora: "If your pay was based on good PR your great-grandchildren would still be working off the debt. Hannelore: "I am taking Tai up to MY APARTMENT before she catches A DISEASE.. ". haven't we? ["Updated" version of strip #3. who's DRUNK." Hanners: "…there's only one solution… I MUST ELIMINATE ALL WITNESSES OF MY CRIME" Dora: "BAD Hanners! NO murdering friends! BAD!" Dora: "What if we moved in together?.down goes Marigold! DOWN goes MARIGOLD!) [Momo gets the last comment. FELONY illegal. [Death Metal Latte!] Dora tries to make Marigold feel better.") Hanners meets Mieville: "FrrieeeEEENNDSSS???" Hanners: "I dunno.. and why is that Roomba trying to hump the other prototypes. I'm gone for five minutes and now this.. I'm BRAIN-DEAD and DIDN'T NOTICE. you don't know what you're doing.. What?" [Note on fridge: DIE DIE DIE] That couch has seen worse bodily fluids.. aware he's kind of got the hots for YOU.." DWAH? Marigold the Coffee Maiden! Winslow meets Mieville – and Mieville turns him into a cat mat Marigold visits Coffee of Doom. or is that a finger?] "Having Trouble Sleeping" (right). SURE." Marigold does the WOW "booty" dance! (Angus joins in) Marigold and Angus Can Dance! Angus learned dancing at his "super-fancy prep schools for rich kids".." Angus vs. bourbon. like.. but…") Hanners isn't very good at using self-defense equipment (Telescoping batons HURT!) Dora: "I'm pretty sure these are illegal in Massachusetts.." Marigold's reaction to good bourbon: "NO I'M FINE IT WAS GOOD I LIKE IT?" (Faye: "Dinner. she's into girls." Dora: "So wait. this is the PERFECT time to talk about my poor dead dad and how I've got hella issues because of him. Momo blushes! Faye: "I was just curious!" The wallet is returned. And back at Angus's place. you can have Dora-2.. I'm in. 1995.." Hanners: "Need any help moving or cleaning?" Dora: "Look. quick cut to Hannelore building a house of cards with the worry hat on." Marten: "You're. Butts LOL] "Oh yeah I'm at work.around you I feel more like Don Quixote."] Marten and Dora discuss tacos.." (Glass houses.. only single." Post-moving snuggles by Dora (and the mystery has been dead for a while now) Faye gets Surprise morning Snuggles! (and 1228 comes back to haunt her!) "Would you please stop cuddling me?" "But you're so warm !" Tai finds out about the move. awesome. and that's when Faye's expletive-deleted shakes the foundations of their apartment." Faye: "I'll turn up the thermostat." Dora: "Once they perfect cloning. "Well. "Anyway.. long story short – we're engaged now. this time we see Marten checking out Faye] Tai commiserates about her lack of stable relationships.") We've seen this one before. Even you're mad at . Gonna start me a clone-harem. "How come you hardly ever include me in anything?" Lawns of gold and Astroturf? Who's got which? Repairing the damage." (My secret nickname for you is "sex pony" – Whiiinnyyyy!) Dora: "I want to move in with you and Faye.. hang on.." [The Forgotten Eyeglasses of Angus strip] Marigold forgot her wallet! Faye wants to go bug Angus some more [or did she want to find out if he had a crappy place?]." Marten: "Dibs on Dora 3 through 15.

that's cold.. Hannelore." Sentient sex toys? Guitars "spend most of their time discussing philosophy." {Will: "That's the third one today. Faye is tossing Momo up in the air) Sven: "Boo!" Marigold: "Eeek!" Faye: "Stop that!" (Meanwhile.. vacuumed and reorganized kitchen shelves. "you burst my eardrums!"." [69 joke and punching in the ####] About last night... when did you ever taste MARTEN'S porr-" (METAPHORICAL. I'm an idiot.. it's always the uptight ones that end up total pokesluts.' And if you end up tracking him 1655 1656 1657 1658 1659 1660 1661 1662 1663 1664 1665 1666 1667 1668 1669 1670 1671 down you'll just have an unsatisfying one-night stand and get chlamydiMMPH" [as Dora applies the duct tape] And then Sven entered… "AAAH!" "AAAH!" "AAAAAAAAAAH!" [Death Head Latte picture on wall] Faye: "Don't let him make eye contact with you! He has an evil sexy gaze! He's a cockatrice!" (Wh-wha?) Dora: "Marigold is OFF LIMITS.. to a Roomba family reunion? Winslow: "They came back to visit!" [Pink/blue Roomba. if it's THAT bad you should just return it. it'd be perfect for your gallery. and the other 50% on delivery. Dora's twopanel SQUEEEEEEEEEEE! (WOULD YOU STOP THAT? "I'LL STOP WHEN YOU STOP BEING SO ADORABLE) Angus wants to try Faye's "exam". One time at a party someone dared him to kiss me on the lips and the ####er used FULL TONGUE ACTION.") Faye plays the smartass role to Marigold's misfortunes ("bibliokleptomaniac!")..") "I'M SORRY I LET HIM POKE ME I'M SO SORRY" Dora: "Well... It's a pain in the ass. NOW. Faye: "Nah. OH GOD DORA I HAVE TO GO APOLOGIZE TO DORA!" ("Two steps forward. one step back.Would you be completely pissed at me if I went out with Angus?" Marten" "Just go on a date with him.1637 1638 1639 1640 1641 1642 1643 1644 1645 1646 1647 1648 1649 1650 1651 1652 1653 1654 me. "I'm sorry. meanwhile is "eeeeeeeee!") Randi (is a she – she had babies!)." Sven: "Huh." "Are you less freaked out by touchin' other people?" "Touch me and we'll find out!" (Touch!) "Meeeeeheeheehee!" (pause) "Was… was that FLIRTING just now?! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to be flirty!.. Dora tends "to get really wired after sex" (TMI? No. that is some serious reevaluate-the-relationship type #### right there. She can have it ready within six weeks or so. kinky!" Faye: "Tsk. "I promise I won't get the wrong idea and get drunk and try to make out with you. lines like that are like writing 'Seymour Butts' in the 'name' field on the exam." Dora: "DALE YOU ARE NOT HELPING. "I wonder what meeting her would be like". you understand?" Sven: "I'm not gonna friggin' seduce her. that's what. "my premiums are gonna skyrocket"] Dora catches Pen in Hypocritical Mode: "So you say you'd 'kill' to work in publishing. purple." [Roombas and Mieville fly by with Pintsize hanging from his claws!] Marten: "There needs to be a word for those brief moments of clarity when you realize just how profoundly weird your life is." Marten: "He's not kidding. but you don't wanna pay your dues to get to that point?. apparently) Marten: "I realize there's a certain lowering of boundaries that comes with us all living together. I SAID METAPHORICAL) [SPECIALS: Nothing yet. Could you grab me a fresh napkin? This one's got phone number all over it..." "I promise I won't become so fixated on you I eventually murder you and make a suit out of your skin!" Steve: "Angus is a better man than me.. hookin' up with your roommate is a terrible idea. I'm afraid there's only one way you can rectify this situation." Faye (to Pintsize) "There are WAY better options than you." Faye: "Okay. how much – " Dora: "Two thousand dollars." The Gallery Owners. Prenny." (Hannelore. I know you don't like me. Marigold is Horde." Hanners: "I didn't have time to think... That's why we work here. and getting hit upon by blondes." Marten: "You told SVEN and not ME?! .... do AnthroPC's have sexy dreams?) Momo-tan has "received some… upgrades" – all for Sven? ["MOMO! I said. Will [in bartender getup.. and Sven's was too hot. but this is ridiculous." Faye fills in Dora and Marten on Marigold and Hannelore." Hanners: "I take medication to prevent those moments. Hanners jet-pack Roomba. can I get my book back?" (meanwhile.) "We're tryin' to have a moment of friendship here!" (Dora's channeling Yelling Bird."." "If I wanted to commission one of those for sale. And he said that was okay… Marty's metaphorical porridge was too cold. I just want my book back… I wonder whether you inherited your Crazy Bitch from Mom or Dad's side. I could just SHAKE YOU right now if I didn't think you'd throw up on me.. are you ready to go?" "Buh?"] Marten: "I can't believe you took care of Marigold like that. Might as well see what Angus' is like." Marten: "I can't BELIEVE you never told me you had a secret menu.Don't worry. see. "NO TIPS FOR ALLIANCE SCUM!" (Yes. now you're just being melodramatic.." Faye "warned him what he was getting himself into. hold yer ####in' horses] ". Penny: "Boring? BORING?! YOU WORK A CRAPPY SERVICE-INDUSTRY JOB THAT YOU CONSTANTLY WHINE ABOUT AND WHEN YOU GET THE CHANCE TO GET PAID TO DO SOMETHING YOU ENJOY YOU HAVE THE GALL TO BITCH ABOUT IT BEING BORING?! " ["rage-induced aneurysm". (So why isn't she letting go?) Hanners returns. Aunt Hilde is pretty cantankerous. Shelby is "a Great Peerer. Want some?" Faye: ". ". the one we only tell regulars we LIKE about?" Faye: "OMIGOD you never told MARTEN about the secret menu?" Dale: "Daaaang. but I think Grandma Bianchi actually killed a man once. isn't it?" Sven: "Is it?" Will: "I think so." Faye: "Well. He's probably just some creep who walks around with a history book in public to try and look 'smart... Hannerclone: "Who do you think's been doing all our mother's dirty work over the years?.. I swear. Angus: ". I'm a Dog!" (Yelling Bird should really relax!) Hannelore wonders if she's a clone. I probably woulda hooked up with her." (Marty: "Hanners? Hannelore? Are you okay?") Angus wants to pursue things with Faye. on the secret menu) Dora: "Yeah." GUEST STRIP (Danielle Corsetto): Marigold doesn't know what "motorboating" means? GUEST STRIP (Carly Monardo): "Fo' Sho(jo)" – Things are still a LOT weird between Angus and Marigold Dora dubs it T-rexpresso." Faye: "SHUT UP AND START DRINKING. you know. Put a hemi in that sucker and it'd crap 300 gallons of coffee a minute. actually. you'd have to be some kind of idiot to think that could possibly…" Faye: "Is he trying to be ironic?" (I think so) "Should we start hitting him?" (Yeah." [Balancing sword on the nose act?] Sven's reading a book on the History of the Crusades." "So... uh. you get me drunk enough and I'll make out with just about anyone. "You've.Everything I thought I knew is a LIE!" Dora: "Oh.So the Roomba people are coming to bring them back for further study. who just then notices she still has Sven's book on the Crusades! (Dora: "Geez. 50% today. but Faye doesn't do emotions very well..the full-size model woulda weighed 2 tons.." (Seppuku? I think Marigold has a katana." Dora cut and dyed her hair! Hanners thought she "was the only person who did laundry at this time of night"." Dora: "Wait.") What Dora and Hanners did (dyed and cut hair – "It's very. you two aren't underachievers so much as ANTIachievers. "Scatological Judo" (no more hanging around Pintsize for her) Collision Course! Marigold "runs into" Sven! Momo is left dazed and confused (and speechless?) Dora consoles Marigold. And pointy?"." Faye: "What just happened?" Dora: "I got a 10% commission on that sale.. [pause] I mean. complete with fake goatee and mustache]: "I do believe that young lady was attempting to hit on you.) [ She must be thinking about what Dora said in 635] "I get to poke you!" Marten joins in: "Poking three-way!" Dora: "Ooh.. But you haven't passed yet.. I just did it.. this is the real world." Hanners: "Ooh. I'll wait 'til yer dead 'fore I yank yer teeth.some middle ground where you don't care about me too much but we still get to make out. duh. I mean."} Momo confronts Marigold about not eating... "Honey." Dora: "You told Sven." Dale orders Number 28! (Chili and pop rocks in a Mocha. and holding her skirt up for dear life…) "The Dream Sequence" (or. Momo is upside-down in Faye's hand. and three "little ones"] The Espressosaurus! (scale prototype)." Dora: "RECREATE THIS. Man." Dora: "I assumed Faye did!" Faye: "I don't tell ANYBODY about the secret menu.) [Faye's drinking right from the carafe!] Hanners and Marigold apologize. you've been allowed to sit the exam. drank a bottle of wine and made a carrot cake "with cream cheese . Marten: "Yeah. but "my mother's new pool-boy and recent string of corporate takeovers." Dale the Pizza Delivery guy (he really shouldn't have mentioned what server he played WoW on)." Friends? Friends." Sven: "Meh.

turns out they got into a fight over what music to play on the stereo – and Marten put them both in "Time Out" (aka in the same room with Pintsize! "NO TALKING!" Marigold's triumphant return.. Hannelore asks if Marigold is okay – and whaddya know..1672 1673 1674 1675 1676 1677 1678 1679 1680 1681 1682 1683 1684 1685 1686 1687 1688 frosting!") ". Alliance SCUM! He's got a night elf rogue on Warsong.'" Will: "Ergo.It's hard .") Steve (while eating C'thulu Cookies) "Okay.. TINIEST BIT JEALOUS." Perhaps Tai should use Marty's urine like a deer hunter? Marigold notices it's 8:00 AM.I'm not interested in any other guy." Faye: "I know.." Cosette: "I can't help myself! Take me! Take me now!" "Baby. I'm not gonna share any of my cookies. either…" "So you're not REALLY mad at him?" "No.. Marigold: "Sometimes his (Angus) mouth gets ahead of his brain.. Tai: "I figure." Marten: "I think they were flirting. I'm sorry. "I kinda spent the whole time fighting with Faye.. Hanners: "Marigold? Marigold.) Turtle humping the CRAP out of a shoe (Hanners doesn't think it's funny).) Marigold: "That's all I really want. how are you gonna try on skinny jeans if you've still got the cast on?" [Cosette Facepalm!] Tai: "Would it be bad form if I tried on some new pants?" Marten: "I wouldn't risk it." Tai passed out again (Hanners doesn't want her up by her again!) Marten: "I'll go check the dishwasher for her pants. "So that's why you're always ten minutes late to work in the morning. Marigold gives Faye the silent handshake… (Marten: "I found a pair of pants in the dishwasher." Dora promises to be upfront with her from now on. potential. Hanners: "It bothers me that I'm becoming inured to this. Dora collapsed writing them][Artist non-sequitur of the day: "man I can't wait to get my vasectomy..are you trying to GUILT-TRIP me into making out with you?"." [Marten facepalms] "I saw you blush when he said you looked nice!" TINIEST BIT SMILEY vs." Steve: "DUDE!" "What?!" Cosette (with a flannel top): "What about this one?" Steve: "Ask Marten. were NICE to me. VERY." (beat) "Seriously. then you come in outta nowhere and drop a ####in' tactical TMI on my head." Dora: "Those are mine. which is why Pintsize was locked in the bedroom. Marigold: "Would.." Marigold dresses up – but has a wardrobe malfunction! (Bra strap – oh SNAP!) "Oh no." (Marigold giggles) Hannelore brings over some pie for Marigold (Banana Cream!). great." Tai awakes to showerus interruptus. Does… does she think she's cleaning?" Hannelore: "I'll go check the laundry machines for your dishes. The next five stops are all in Bitter-Recrimination-ville. would that work?" (DAMMIT MARIGOLD) The Gang's All Here! (Angus and Marigold meet Tai. where's Marigold's hard reset button?. you just punched your ticket on the Marten-train to Orgasm-town. since his opinion is the only one you actually CARE about. if you can't tell who the most inebriated person at the party is… It's you.. Psh. Angus apologizes for the music thing. Let's go get breakfast!" Cosette (still on crutches) doesn't like her new haircut ("I DIDN'T WANT my bangs any shorter!").." Where's Faye? "Make way for some tasty pastries!" Hanners: "PIES! Pies pies pies pies! We made strawberry rhubarb." Hanners: "It CAN'T be a bad decision.. It's not like I'm the easiest person in the world to get along with." Cosette gets her cast off tomorrow.I asked Faye and she said she wasn't REALLY mad at you.. No no. Or both." (All that's missing is Goatse. A couple days?. if she could handle Angus and Faye "making out or anything"." Marigold gets a bit frustrated: "these friggin' Alliance morons keep trying to PvP me!" – one of them. You shouldn't like a guy just because he's nice to you. how long has Hanners been awake? ("I dunno. But he's not a bad guy. Or fighting. sure. Leave her." ". y'know. I'm not gonna jump Marten's bones just 'cause he says he likes my shirt. you attract hot chicks like moths to a flame." "Wait." (Cue a horrified/blushing Marigold in the background) ". I've got the right parts but a tooootally different instruction manual.. Will and Penelope) [Marigold: No bourbon. what the hell was that about?" Total Sucker Rule violation.. about her boobs." Angus: "." (Cosette can't stop laughing) Steve: "If you guys keep making fun of me. Bring it. she's only cutting watermelon).. not really… Wait.. she told you that? (pause) I mean. make sure you get off the train at Orgasm-town. Somebody to be nice to me. however. but I have SOME standards... spookypants.) Marten: "Chuck Palahniuk meets the Vagina Monologues. however. Marten's mom snipped one of his ears – and Tai caught something else with clippers (she was trimming "downstairs"..) Marten: "Can I borrow that ice pack for a minute? My sense of humor got the best of me.. Tai spills the beans: "Faye and Angus totally have the hots for each other. everything went melty for a second there..and I have to be to work in ten minutes and I think I'm going to die. are you there?") Tai apologizes.. "Just try and make it through the night without saying anything else stupid. but that means I've got at least couple hours before total psychosis. Faye and Angus come out of time-out… "IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE" (Marigold: "Should I tell them I know?" Dora: "Nah. but this is RIDICULOUS.. Tai apologizes. is DALE (Scary shiny glasses!) "No. Faye: "You're getting' old.") about her top – "Really? You like it?" "Uh." Cosette: ". though.. great. And paid attention.."." Marten (obvious sass mode): "Are you SURE about that? Because that shirt looked very... but whatever.. if he hears us talking he might think we're planning to go FORNICATE. Nobody's ever done that before. Marigold's over it now." (Welcome to MarigoldLand.. and that's a really bad neighborhood.. "I think he was just trying not to hurt you any more. enter Tai (Too "Menial Laborer"?) – "Sorry dude. (Ooooh!) He totally touched my boob.") Marigold and Faye in the kitchen [Dark 'n Stormy's – Rum and Ginger beer]. and.." [SPECIALs~~~ in background. She might hit you with a crutch." [Shoplifters Will Be Persecuted] Cosette gets a different response from Steve ("Sexy!") and Marten ("Nice..) Dora has to be honest with Marigold: they've been talking behind her back all night. "I thought INTERNET drama was bad. Dora blames Marten. and pecan!" (An absolutely diabolical pecan pie) "Baking is wonderful! It's like science for hungry people!" Dale delivers pizzas! (with his two other jobs). she wants to buy some new "cute skinny jeans" – but Tai sees a problem: "Wait. yeah? It looks good. "MariGoldFarm.." (OOOOH!) "Kinda scratchy. Marigold's at LEVEL CAP. please!] Will: "A positively Homeric set of bosoms". and pay attention.. at least I finally kissed a boy." (Oh. Angus asks for the ice pack in the freezer ("We keep that in their specifically for Fayemergencies").. Let's go get some pie. too." Angus: "You aren't an idiot.." (cut to a pantsless Tai on Marigold's lap). This one has.. Tai wants to join Marten shopping with Steve and Cosette (?). I'm fine! I can stay up for a few more houuuurrrrsssss.") Faye: "Oh $#!+ She knows" Yelling Bird and Sweet-Tits celebrate Jeph's 30th… with bottle rockets? [Altered strip! Altered strip!] Marigold and Angus have a talk on the way home. old adage in poker that 'if you can't tell who the sucker at the table is.. Marten: "You know how it's generally a good rule of thumb that you don't wanna be the drunkest person 1689 1690 1691 1692 1693 1694 1695 1696 1697 1698 1699 1700 1701 1702 at a party?. volunteers to go talk to her. what if he's only doing it so he can get in your pants?" Marigold: "I'd settle for that. she is! She doesn't know. where NOTHING ever goes the way you want it to.. Counter sign: "MISSING LLAMA: Answers to 'deathhome'(?) $$$"] Marten asks Hanners about using Winslow (while Hanners is wielding a knife – whew. what. [Momo tastes Hannelore's pie!] "And hey." (And bring Marigold?) [Specials: "FRESH ####IN' BAGELS". okay?" (NEVER tell a woman she looks fat in a skirt.." Dora tells Marigold the truth about Angus and Faye. okay... I was being stupid.. it's you.")[Cue blurry special effects] "Okay. apple." Marten calls it even ("considering that time I interrupted you in the break room with that hippie chick"). Penelope: "Mine had better be at LEAST Chaucerian or you're sleeping on the couch tonight. it resulted in CARROT CAKE!" Dora can't do all-nighters anymore." (Is he ALWAYS this childish? "Shh." Tai: "I promise not to seduce your girlfriend if I get a cookie!" Angus sees Marigold and Hannelore emerge – into double entendre city! "It sure sounded like you were enjoying yourselves.. Cue the laugh track! Dora offers to take Marigold bra shopping. let 'em squirm. good on you..." (An alliance ROGUE? I'm desperate.. They have stubble. Eventually ONE of 'em is gonna be into ladies."] Faye asks Angus over to "hang out and drink some beers and watch stupid YouTube clips. see.. banana cream. not gonna use Pintsize because "never look at alpacas the same way again. the levee broke! Warn the townsfolk downstream!" "SHUT UP AND GIVE ME YOUR SWEATER" Angus: "Why do you have a thing for me?" Marigold: "you. but they're not Tai's.

want me to proofread your resume?" Hanners in a suit – "You wanna work here? [Dora facepalm] .) Pen would prefer stock options to free coffee. Cosette's a natural." (Hanners puts on headphones and lights some scented candles to remove herself from the experience as much as possible. by the way] "Marten Marten MARTEN! I got the job! I GOT THE JOB!" (Mieville gets tossed aside) "Coffee of Doom! I'm gonna be working there part-time! I go in for training TOMORROW!" (Wow.) Penelope: "This is idiotic..") [SPECIALS: Banana Mocha. then Penelope threw a ladle at her head. she just had bad luck.." GUEST STRIP (Dave Shabet): Hannelore tries the Psychonut Chai Latte GUEST STRIP (Becky & Frank." Steve: "She's goal-oriented.) "Meh. he's IMPLYLING – " "No! Don't say it! You'll break the spell!" "My favorite part was when you took on those four guys at once! And then that giant dog!" Marigold and Faye "talk": "I'm sorry about Angus." Faye: "That throw was AMAZING!" Penelope: "Could you show me how to do that judo-hold you put me in?" (Dora mumbles something about " start robbing convenience stores") Hanners can't wait to start her new job! Faye likes to have her "morning bowel movements in peace and quiet." "Okay. GUEST STRIP (Lucid TV): Faye. more HAUTEUR – "Like some filthy peasant got blood on the wheel of your carriage and then had the GALL to complain that you ran him over. then into her eyes." (pause) HE KISSES .. Banana Bread. like. There's no such thing as CURSES." Dora: "CoD is no longer run by a band of bitchy bachelorette baristas.." Cosette: "Th-this is DOG SHAMPOO!" Faye: "And doggy butt-cream!" Cosette got the job! (Cheesecake.. great.. SPECIALS: Yak butter in everything!] Faye thinks she'd be a fine employee ("uh.. a waiting list for the next time you hire a cute single girl?" Dora: "NO there is NOT a – " Faye: "$500 to get on the list ." "I'm not." (and then I just <got> carried away. but what are you doing to your hair?" She has to re-dye it for work: "Faye was complaining about there being 'too many blondes at the coffee shop. and she has her resume! "Is there a problem?" Dora: "Every place you've ever worked at has closed. Hanners looks like she's about to cry (wolves on a moose?). Angus and Marten get "possessed" GUEST STRIP (Randy Milholland. And put this cream on your face every night before you go to bed. not how good she is in bed. I never would've expected her to do that... Congratulations!) "I'm making so much progress today! Maybe I'm finally ready to try TACO BELL!" ("Whoa whoa whoa. not too hot." Claire: "Young lady...." Angus: "Is that HANNELORE running the espresso machine?." ("We love you too." Dora: "I don't believe in curses. I guess the police would probably like to see it. please.. let's not get ahead of ourselves" – and Marten means it. "Sorry! Sorry. So fill me in – does he have any. Okay... I said it. Make it a medium..." (Coincidence! "Besides. If you guys like each other." Pen: "You're already on that flight path." (CAN WE NOT DISCUSS THIS IN PUBLIC) Tai: "Hey... then: "Okay. fastidious").. Faye: "You'll have gray hair by the time you hit thirty! Not that any of us will know. with a s hot of vanilla and a dusting of nutmeg. then I shouldn't. but you're also not gonna see me walking under a ladder while holding a black cat. Faye: "What're you talking about? I'm still single. for Christ's sake. Apparently the guy running it was sellin' weed out the back." Faye: "Seriously.. dripping hate #&^%") [Dora Coffee Of Doom Tshirt!..'. What do I do?" Faye: "This one's a special case. Ask us about our Refurbished Starbucks Employee program!" (Pen: "a finishing school only we teach the OPPOSITE of social graces. And that can ruin your relationship.." "Even though you're a tremendous. we're cool? Everything's cool?" "Uh huh. it's a bad idea to hire your friends. Don't show up drunk or high and try not to #### up too much and you'll be fine. I make a really good latte!" Angus "hazes the rookie"! ("Gimme a half-caf soy no foam latte. $&#* 'em both. sorry! Aiee!" PFFFFFSSHH. the ice cream place I worked at is still in business!) Faye: "You didn't hear? The cops shut it down this morning." (Would that cancel out?) Cosette: "I have a briefcase under my bed my boss told me never to open. It's a friggin' coffee shop. okay. It sorta went downhill from there. Somehow I don't think she'd be interested. Come in tomorrow morning for training.." (My butt is all sore!) "HANNELORE. "And you think you can handle being covered with coffee grounds and really sweaty and having to take out the trash and stuff?." [SEVENTH ANNIVERSARY OF QC!] Hannelore made her first latte ("Wow.". Tiny Kitten Teeth): Will "edits" Pintsize's proposition GUEST STRIP (Rene Engstrom): Sven shows HIS fly organ. weird habits or creepy fetishes I should know about? Closet full of doll parts or cat skulls or anything?" (Hanners: "Aren't you glad Marten doesn't have anything like that in HIS closet?" Dora: "How do YOU know that?") [Wait – the blackboard is blank????] Dora just realized – none of the CoD Baristas are single anymore.$250 now and $250 when you hook up with her.. "So. on the other hand. which is now going out of business itself.. I'm prioritizing. you may not share my belief system but I'll kindly ask you to respect it in my presence.. it's fine. Fearless Leader. that's Stock OPTIONS Syndrome. Cosette's looking for a new job (she's sick of the ice cream place). like. I'll bring you on part-time. or not. She makes more money in a month than you (Faye) do in two years. Banana Brownies.. how the hell would I still be employed if she were that much of a hardass?" Faye works with the new girls on their "contempt-faces". 'crypto-flaxen conspiracy'. but put it in a large to-go cup. Cosette." Customer: "Is there. what brought this on?) Happy Hannelore Hugging! (pause of realization) "Th-that was okay to do. right? I mean. Something*Positive): Yelling Bird & Rippy The Razor in "A Night On The Town!" Claire Witch Project! (There. (Dora and Cosette are coated with espresso and foamed milk) Hannelore: "Man." (B-but. that was easy!"). Dora's been working 60 hour weeks (Ouch!). We have too many bananas] Dora does need to hire more people." Dora: "They don't even know how to make DRINKS yet!" Faye: "I know. my tea?" Pen: "Aagh! Y-yes ma'am!" Claire looks at Cosette's scalp. You can't TREAT them as your friends when they work for you. don't look at me like I'm Joseph ####ing Stalin.. get in the way..1703 1704 1705 1706 1707 1708 to be quiet when you're that excited." 1710 1711 1712 1713 1714 1715 1716 1717 1718 1719 EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EE ("It's resonating in my fillings!" "Oh god! Make it stop!" 1709 "What the #&!! Is going on?! There's like fifteen dogs outside trying to get in!") [7 kHz @ 120 dB.. you're friends with Faye and Penelope. But that dye job has fried her hair and she's got awful skin.. freshground only. takes direction well but readily displays her own initiative. they have to be your EMPLOYEES. you're not gonna switch airports at the last minute.) Cosette got her cast off. Wash your hair every other day with this. Fondue Hut closed after the health code violation. Video Hut sold out to Blockbuster. mad or anything." "Young lady. uh. um." Dora: "She raises champion wolfhounds for's just..) Dora lays down the law about employment to Hanners and Cosette.. normal 1720 1721 1722 1723 1724 people hug each other sometimes. DON'T WASH IT OTHERWISE. People are fulla surprises. you know?) "I'm impressed you were able to keep up with her all night like that. good at staying on-task. I recommend the 9-iron.. "Oh. She's not cursed. Wow. Steve can vouch for her! Dora: "I need to know if she's a reliable employee. anyone?) Steve: "That's great. like when they're really happy about something?" (Yeah.") Cosette: "The contempt-face isn't working..." Faye: "Me neither. Cosette." Refurbished Starbucks Employees! (Not so much "refurbishing" as "brainwashing") Stockholm Syndrome works for Apple employees! (No. Mambo Juice closed when they caught the owner embezzling.

" Marten: "How come you never told me you've never had a healthy relationship?. If we separate them now she might kill him..' (DAAH!) [Alternate versions available!] "Ain't the first boxer mishap I've been witness to. but nothing really panned out.. writin' songs. two. love! Faye opts out of coming upstairs." (Aw!) Marten: "How'd the big date go?" [Marten's reading Guitar Porn.. "Meh. okay? She's a good kid.. curled up on the couch] Dora: "Are you gonna break up with me?" Marten: "What? No!" D: "I'm sorry I flipped out on you again. it's something we've gotta fix...and I know he's not gonna up and leave or die or anything but I'm so SCARED and I don't know WHY!" Marten (hugging her on couch): "It's okay.." Sayonara. I promise." The Aftermath..1725 1726 1727 1728 1729 1730 1731 1732 1733 1734 1735 1736 1737 1738 1739 1740 HER!?!?!!!!1111!!!!!!1 (Cosette: "Should we.) So you just decided to SNUGGLE UP ON THE COUCH IN YOUR UNDERWEAR." Marigold: "No.If you're NOT gonna murder me." Angus: "I've always wanted to be a comedic actor." D: "So you're not mad at me?" M: "No.'re you feeling?) "Better.. but if I'm gonna work on being less of a crazy bitch you HAVE to work on your sense of timing. So I don't know WHAT to do. Every one of our fights has been about her crazy insecurity. that's not part of our job. I think.) "I'm. 30% chance I get too freaked out and bolt.. since she has to work in the morning – but she can't go: "If I'm gonna leave." [Platonic hug – on couch] "Thank you for bein' my friend..) "No. you should play my WoW character! You could get me some sweet random drops!" Hannelore has coffee shop performance anxiety! Marten: "Yeah..." Angus: "Jesus. But in the interest of full disclosure. the first time I ever played guitar in front of people? IMPOSSIBLE to maintain an erection. She's a mess underneath it all. It's apparently okay for HER to get all flirty with other girls but if one so much as BREATHES on me it's f'in ARMAGEDDON.) .. Treated her like $#!+." [Both say "AFRICA"] (pause – then SMOOCHES!) Ah... "I wasn't f###ing cuddling him! I just needed someone to talk to! If YOU'D answered the door it woulda been YOU insteada Marty.... you must prove yourself worthy by defeating me in single combat!" Angus: "Very well! I accept your challenge!" (slap-fight ensues) Faye: "It's like a pathetic." (That's good. you need to let go of my bottom. Marten. I guess. shift your position? You're. you know. (to Marten) And don't come back to bed tonight." (Muh) (Hanners: "That's.. twice if it's a number two situation. don't have any pants on." "Can you believe I'm actually nervous? (It's her first "actual date" since "before Dad died. I ran into (Sven) on my walk. I hate to be cliché but this isn't what it looks like.Real Alpha-Goth types.. and he's wearing her pants right now..) D: "Sweetie.." Faye: "Well. first dude she's ever dated who wasn't a complete douchebag? . I. I don't wanna see you screw this up. but I don't think I'll ever be a huge success or anything. though.. for Angus." Angus" "You." (Pintsize: "Scott Pilgrim ISN'T REAL?!") What. I'm ACTUALLY HAPPY WITH HER.. but there was a perfectly good explanation. I love Faye. Why?" (Faye gives his hair a tousle) "G'night." Dora: "I've had. I guess.. Then I wouldn't have gotten the wrong idea. She's just in F###ing Crazy Mode for some reason.Toto. I just.. everything's going my way today. we each say our favorite Toto song." What did you wanna be when you were a kid? Faye: "I was always into art. I'm content to just do it in my spare time.) "One. while Pintsize is reading PC World – with a centerfold?] Faye: "What's your favorite Toto song?" "Uh.. then. It's not EXACTLY what I wanna be doing. but it isn't good." (she saw his junk through his boxers.. you don't understand. What do you think?" SVEN: "Was Faye wearing a bra?...) Faye goes postal (and breaks the latch on Marten's door!). #### Toto.") I figure.I can understand being UNCOMFORTABLE with the fact that we were huggin' in our underpants.." (You. this is all my fault..) Can you NOT SEE how I might find this A LITTLE INAPPROPRIATE?! (it isn't how it.. lemme just say that it seemed like a good idea at the time. But it's okay.) I don't know what's going on in that crazy purple head of yours. Oh hey. the LAST thing on my mind.." Faye: "Just when I thought I was out of panic-adrenaline." "And you DIDN'T THINK to maybe PUT SOME PANTS ON? (I was. and 30% it goes fine. See ya. on the count of three." Sven: ". Of course I'm mad! She's being ridiculous..." (Okay. y'know.] Panic Attack in the Dark! Faye: "I r-really LIKE him! And.. but LESS... still freaked out.) "So. (We weren't SNUGGLING!.... Then I got my current gig and moved up here. I'm just so tired of trying to convince her that.... Less freaked out.") Where is this coming from? Sven: "The 'Chill and understanding' thing is an act.. and that Shelby enjoys punching things.. awkward silence of the night begins. Go easy on her.. I just wish you'd listened to the explanation before you blew up. good enough. but you better get in check before you #### EVERYTHING up.. do something?" Dora: "Nothing we can do." ANGUS IS STILL ALIVE! (Faye's a bit disheveled.. but there's no WAY a Cliff's Notes on her would fit under a door.." Marten: "Man... like. yes. just some songs. I should go buy some lottery tickets...some kinda f'in angst solstice?) [Dora's sitting." (You coulda filled me in on all this when I first started dating her.. real-life Scott Pilgrim.. Ready?" (Y-yeah.. the date went well?" "DWAH!" [And Momo falls over after pirouetting on the couch] "Hey Dora?" (sleeping) "What? TOTO? Man." Faye: "..James Taylor. So I guess we're even.." (What's the last 10%? Pintsize: "ANAL") Yelling Bird: "Poor Lil' Jephy McBitchtits has himself a nasty widdle 'head cold' and can't do a comic tonight. An' I bet you wouldn'a been wearin' pants either! I spent like an HOUR making out with Angus tonight." (awkward pause) Faye: "Can we end this line of conversation? You're putting me off my gnocchi. uh." M: "Deal." [No specials on the board!] Faye: "Skirt or pants? Skirt. like." Marten found someone to talk to: ". TV or movies. would you like to go out to dinner tonight?"(Um) Dora: "She'd love to.. I'm going for a walk. it's DANCE TIME! (And this time.. (meaningful pause for self-reflection) Actually. Lemme go back to sleep... Shelby-Sensei! [Shelby knocks both Yelling Bird AND Anime Sweet-Tits into the next century: "The joke is that I really like Koji Kumeta's comics." Dora: "I don't even know WHAT this looks like. You ARE the first genuinely nice guy I've ever been with... you should probably keep them away from me. excited about it." (I knew I shoulda kept walking when you said "hey.. She's never been in a really healthy relationship..." [And the long. right?") Angus finally finds out that Marigold knows: "I know you like Faye. Maybe I'm subconsciously expecting you to be an . if you know any cute single girls. you'd seriously want me to fight him? Faye: "I think every lady likes to think she's got a little bit of Helen of Troy in her.) "Okay.. I guess?"] The Fight to the Death! Marten" Before you go out with Faye. One minute she's cool.)(to Faye) Don't come in to work tomorrow. I wish you'd told me sooner. Whatever. Marigold joins him for the celebratory dance... The usual. I tried for a few small parts after I got outta college. Angus 1741 1742 1743 1744 1745 1746 1747 1748 1749 really likes you and he's a good dude and it's gonna be fine. I mean. That's what I was freaking out about! Why the #### would I turn around and do anything with MARTEN? Do you really think I'd DO that?! (I." Angus: "May we be able to look back on our lives when we're old and say.. I mean..Marten?" "Y-yes?" "Could you. playin' video games. no. well.." (Pintsize insists "IT'S 'HOLD THE LINE' YOU ####S") Meanwhile. and you coulda slid the Cliff's Notes on Faye under my door. here's to compromise. before you beat me to death. the next she's FREAKING OUT. Toto SUCKS.. cheated on her." (Of course!) [ENTER DORA] Marten: "I. Uh. like.. I hear someone's got a date tonight. He's got the tiger by the tail. Rosanna.." (What is with everyone tonight? ." (How've you been? Haven't "talked since the thing with you and Faye went down. kinda pokin' outta your boxers a little. TOTO?!" (Not ALL their stuff! Just... the works. that sort of thing. I didn't know what I was looking for in a guy! (why she's so insecure about Marten?) I don't know. It's okay..") "Oh. 30% we end up fighting. it's okay..) "Yeah. Everything's gonna be fine.... (Nuh) Grunt once if you gotta pee. I love you.) [Facepalm!](Faye breaks out the jeans and the Hello Kitty belt. I'm really happy for you and Angus. (pause) If you haven't already. (I." "No it isn't. I mean. "Oh my god. you know?" Angus: "If you liked it then you shoulda had a war for it.. but I was YOUNG. Her favorite place is that little Italian joint by where the copy shop used to be. or pants?" Marten: "Hey." Faye: ". but it's close enough. they weren't the BEST." M: "It's building does have a loading dock out back. too. uh." Angus' guilty musical pleasure: ".." Return of the Alphabet Trick! Angus: "Just lemme get this condom on and I'll do it in Morse code.

." Hannelore: "If we get customers like that I quit. please please please!" (cowering) "I'm not gonna murder you That wouldn't exactly be gentlemanly of me. Last time I was in there I saw a rat the size of a Corgi in their kitchen." Hanners: "Hee hee! I'm not even WEARING pants!" (extend the hand for a handshake. Yeah." (Dora's turn to channel the Old Ones!) Sven: "Apparently Dora objects. Honestly? I haven't (been on any dates) because I miss Faye." Faye doesn't "threaten with some ridiculous act of violence" anymore: "You're dealing with a kinder. do you really mean that. He was a perfect gentleman and you should be very proud of him. (in 'character') I was wondering if you'd like to get dinner with me sometime... cos(flirting)-1 = blush quotient / tan (smirk?)2.. The ultraviolence is only IMPLIED now.. but you can go. even if it's just pretend. I'll take Hanners on a date. and Sven thinks she looks great! "Wait. that contributes to the authenticity of the date experience... if you weren't freaked out about it I'd totally do you!" (long awkward pause with blushing – and Hanners slowly pushing away from the table. I just . Yes I do.daaang. like a thief in the night." . B'but YOU'RE super gorgeous too! I mean.. Anyway. unless there's something the girl specifically wants to do." Dora apologizes to Faye: "Sorry about last night. I'm not interested in ANYBODY romantically. little help.. what's the plan?" Sven: "Oh. I guess that means you pass.." (Sven is OBVIOUSLY not thrilled with this." Sven: "Okay. "It's so big!" ("I love it when girls say that"." Dora: "$#!+.) .. and I'm gonna try and be more open about stuff. "CAN I TAKE MY LUNCH BREAK PLEASE" (It's not even 10 AM!) "Dammit." Dora: "It's not that I don't think you should go on a DATE. overall outcome = x(happiness/disgust)/(actual feelings)] Hanners: "So. it's just that you picked literally the WORST POSSIBLE GUY to do it with.." Dora: "aaaaaaulghrghrigh") Marigold emerges from the local 7-11 [U HAVE BUKKET size cup] to find.. It never gets easier..." "This is against my better judgment." D: "I love you.) Faye (looking down from window): "They're hugging... (Really? You think so?) Nah. I never used to be into girls that curvy. too." Cosette: "A." "Ed a ma me. ) "To be fair. "I'm glad everything worked out last night. like a rogue?" [Scary glasses as he exits: HAH HAH HAH HAUGH! BONK!] "Uh.. Hanners. you weren't wearing a bra... and Hannelore gets to have a good time in the process. Cosette's drive-by pastry spillage. taser... splashing espresso machine. dude has a GREAT butt. though.. okay. Swiss army knife. but it gets easier." Hanners: "I can only think of a couple instances where I'd throw myself at you. Sven.. wait.." Dora (offscreen) "NOT DURING WORK HOURS. so I think it'd be nice to know what it's like. Your day of reckoning is coming. For you.. Definitely discouraged me. Oh." Sven: "You know what? I'll do it. Sven has WILES. that's just what Dora told me to tell you." Sven: "I'd REALLY like to take you on a date. No.... Faye gives a scenario where Sven could seduce her ("Cleanest Vegan Restaurant in the Valley"? "Movie about fonts"?? "Offers to clean your kitchen"???). Maybe if a bus was coming at us or something." Sven: "That's why this is a good idea! You have to try and trust me. ed-a ed-a ma-me-me" (sing with me!) Faye and Sven never really went on any dates. Or should I say. either.." Pintsize: "Grab her @$$! GRAB HER @$$!" Third degree time: "How'd it go? Was my brother super smarmy?" "You didn't make out with him or anything.) Oh." [Faye is sharpening the sword while wearing THE SWORD shirt] (pause) "So. right?") Hannelore has a BAD first day: Stinky customers.I'm so sorry! I'll always cherish the time we had together!" (Marigold chases her around the apartment while Angus and Momo sit on the couch) Angus: "You want the paper?" Momo: "Just the sports section. or is that just what you're supposed to say at 1763 1764 1765 1766 1767 1768 1769 1770 1771 1772 1773 the start of a date?. Well. Thank you for taking me out tonight. didja?" "No. We've all got our hang-ups. mace. INTO him now." Hannelore gets the incredibly oversized hoodie of Sven's (and looks incredibly cute!)." (Is this really what you're s'posed to talk about on a date?) "Sorry. x = π if dessert = true (Tart theory?).." D: "Good suggestion. We had a long talk." Marten: "Sven's? .. coffee grounds bag breaking. you don't understand. SERIOUSLY!" (pause) "Wanna make out?" "Yes." (Sven posits his theory on how to get a girl "into" him) "So.. do you still have my belt? (Marty shows that he's wearing it... so any genuine feelings of flattery I experience would be inherently compromised.. MORE HOT MAKE-UP SEX" M: "GET OUT. no plan. I have to live up to that trust. I'm NOT 'into' him." (Faye: "Can't blame you. Buzz off.... I prefer to improvise.. you know how you talked to Marten last night about me blowing up? I'm trying REALLY hard not to do that right now. Sven" "No prob... DALE! "Well well.." (Excellent! Your turn. sorry." "May the opossums grow fat on your flesh. if he could get FAYE to put out for him.. I wanna see you shut him down. I don't know WHY I miss her. I mean.. failed double entendre roll by Hanners) ICE CREAM! LET'S GO GET ICE CREAM! NEVER TOO COLD FOR ICE CREAM Hanners forgot her purse! She had her "cell phone. You guys are gonna be fine. For real this time. right?" Hanners: "Can't you just be happy for me? I went on a DATE.. And that @$$.. please don't make me regret this." Angus arrives at CoD! "Hey. We'll see if that helps... of disbelief)/(awkwardness)... or not: "The first day is always crazy. How's dinner and a movie – (Hannelore speaks in C'thulu language) I… wow. is that where we're going to eat?" "Oh GOD no." Dora: "Hannelore.. because "I could only kiss a boy who was the same height as me. but she insists she couldn't kiss him. plunging the toilet.. I did consider grabbing his butt at one point....." M: "You're not a mess. Those boobs. gentler Faye." Dora: "Okay. I shudder to think…" Sven: "You have my word that if she somehow MAGICALLY overcomes her crippling anxieties and throws herself at me. But this date is artificial to begin with. I'd say we go to that little hole-in-the-wall Korean place up on King." Hannelore shows up. just. Hanners: ". please. if it isn't our little Tauren warrior. yeah." (Pause for a deep.. garbage bag breaking.. then) "Herp" "Derp" BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Outside the apartment building. And is also an eldritch horror from beyond time and space. Is it a chaste hug?" Faye: "Looks pretty chaste. back to work!" Faye: "WHY ARE YOU GOING ON A DATE WITH SVEN?!" Hanners: "It's just a pretend date". I'll say no. keys.. and Hannelore HUGS!) "Thank YOU. Sven: "It was actually really nice to go out with someone WITHOUT tryin' to get in their pants. but. all right. like. multitool. "Aw. I'm still the stupid mess I've always been. (pause) OH MY GOD I'M TOTALLY DEFENSELESS!!! Please don't murder me.." OH MY GOD WHAT WILL I WEAR? ("That's what the lady is supposed to say now.) "OH MY GOD WHERE IS OUR FOOD.. I have a boyfriend and B. and you'll get fired if you keep f&#*in' up so much. Ew. The ears dig into my tummy when I set down. really. and Dad's space station! "Hi dad!. meaningful look." Hanners: "What just happened? Everything blanked out for a second there. she blushes. here? I’m stuck in a trash can. If you REALLY mean it." Watching the stars." Dora (holding back the headache) Sven.. We can fix this." Marigold finds out about the "pretend date"." [Side Hugs!] Pintsize: "LESS TALKING." Sven (to Dora) "Can I go home now?" Hannelore (embarrassed): "A-actually… do you think we COULD go on a date?" (What?) "I mean." Marty gives Faye her pants back. like a pretend one? I'm – I'm not interested in you ROMANTICALLY. but MAN." (pause) "Man." "Yeah...) Oh NO! Is this going to be the wedge that drives our friendship apart? (What? No." [Time to go to the blackboard! Lust coefficent / (awareness)2(h+3) = (susp. You're a nice guy at heart. and I can come into work and stuff?) "Yeah" (I was worried our entire social circle was gonna implode all 'cause I didn't put on some goddamn PANTS. Cosette!" (She ends up out in the alley next to Hanners!) [Fixed strip] Faye consoles the two "overwhelmed" rookies." (Speaking of which. even if it was just pretend! And I didn't freak out1 And Sven was really nice about the whole thing! And for your information. wallet. Although I." (YESSSS) [Note on fridge: PAY RENT!] Proposition Avoidance Countermeasures class with Dora! "Sven is gonna pretend to be a customer asking you out on a date. Haven't seen you in a few days. I'll shut up about Faye." (So everything's cool? You and Marty are fine." Dora: "And you're not.. It looks sketchy as #3!! but the food is amazing.1750 1751 1752 1753 1754 1755 1756 1757 1758 1759 1760 1761 1762 a-hole like everyone else. who am I kidding. And don't listen to Dora and Faye. anyway.Are you jealous that I went on a date before you did? (M-maybe a little. I love you... it's just… I've never been on a date before.. This is really nice. how the hell are things MORE awkward now that we've made out?" "Haha. he makes a scatological reference towards Cosette) Cosette: "I… wh… do you seriously GET customers like this?!" Dora: "God dammit..

" (Uh.... I'm not that desperate. crusty socks. for ####'s sake... and I'm getting you a referral. joy-juice. uh. It's no big deal." Marten: "You really wanna do that? What if it turns out I'm secretly into scat. none today. SOB*) "Yes. kinda. common side-effects of the Worry Hat include silly appearance.. dude. you're." Marigold really likes it! "I'd love to hear some of your 'brutal criticisms... Yeah I am... Death in the family? In a manner of speaking. it's got a lot of potential! (happy Marigold) I mean." Tai: ".." SLAM! Marten (at COD) "Have you seen Dora? Has she come by here?" Faye: "She just called and said she was going to Sven's..Wait.. I appreciate you value our friendship that much. you're my best friend..) Sad Hanners is SAD! "I th-though you guys would be together FFOREVER!" (We've got customers. (she) couldn't sleep with her 'cause it would be too weird. You ruined a perfectly good thing for the STUPIDEST REASON POSSIBLE. WHAT?. it's about me wanting some basic privacy and you completely IGNORING that!" SLAM! "." (Want me to take off my pants and see if it does anything for you. I guess that's it..Wow." Angus: "Jesus. okay. we have seen this one before. You need HELP. right? ["Updated" version of strip #268. And if you need some meaningless rebound sex. We're both sick of her crap.." "Okay." [Specials: NOTHING TODAY JERKS] Sven: "Wait. you have to show people WHY it's sexy. I don't like dolphins anymore. work.. It was mutual. or something even worse? Do you really wanna know that about me? Once you open that Pandora's box. I have NO IDEA how to have one." (beat) Dora: "Nah.It's been wonderful. A cricket got stuck on your motherboard and fried itself.. definitely Jimbo." "Whoa. watch the store." WILL YOU SIGN MY NETBOOK [Is Tai wearing Dora's shirt from 217?] Tai (as she's signing Mar's netbook) "I don't usually do the guy-onguy stuff... don't YOU start now. But I think we should call it quits. Hey. you can't just say 'And then Harry kissed Ron and it was very sexy. Faye. What's going on?" "Another fight." "Marty? Oh. Let it go.. Where's the sexy robotic elohim guiding civilization to some unimaginable apotheosis?") "At least there's e-cake!" [HAPPY SIGNULARITY] Tai realizes that "even if (Marten) and Dora broke up. why the ### did she get together with you in the first place!? .. well." ".." "Yeah...] Hanners returns the Worry Hat to Marten! "I'm – I'm sorry.) Sloppy seconds.. me too. sweetie.." HUGGGGGG! "Right now I would like nothing more than to beat you so hard you need to eat through a straw for the rest of your life..... Tai: "Wait.. ("I. #### off." Marten: "Yeah. just in case?) "N-no thanks! You already did that once!" Marigold is INSPIRED! HERMIONE AND GINNY VERSUS THE SPACE WIZARDS! Puberty discussions. Cosette tries the "I for one" meme and gets it upside the head). and compulsive fiddling with the pom-pom. mmaybe." "I guess you probably heard...") Wait – that's actually TRUE.." "So that ship's really sailed?" "It never even left the dry dock! They tried to break the bottle of champagne on its bow and the whole thing collapsed! (Relationships as nautical metaphors!) Me and Sven was a speedboat that caught fire and exploded.What the hell do I have to do to convince her I'm not secretly ####ing pining for you?! .. dude." OKAY THANK YOU BYE OMG TURKEYS 2010!!! (Jimbo.. Euphoria Fluid and cummerbunds! [He didn't even MEAN to do that last one!] The "Friendly AI" Singularity "PROBABLY won't kill or enslave us or anything!" (Faye's reading Barista Weekly. fire." "It's okay." ". Bitter much?" "... it could use some work. so help me God I WILL put you in the emergency room. I'm gonna go ask Pintsize. misinformed high school sex ed teachers.. but my break ends in like-" "Shhhhhh" So what happens when you brew tea in hot coffee? (Eldrictch horror. .) "Um. I'd probably just screw it up. or torture-porn. it's.. at least lemme break one of her arms... but she's already said she won't work with anyone else in my social circle. "Why do I need lotion in my bedroom?" Dora: "So what kind of porn DO you like." Mar: "Psh. "wallowing in porn".. "I'd refer you to my therapist." Faye: "But if you mix yerba mate and espresso.. OH OMNISCIENT MACHINE PANTHEON!" FZZT (Marten removes Pintsize's head) "You're not being subsumed. I'm sorry! It's. are you reading 'Quidditch Field Idyll'? (Um. head sweats.." [click] Faye: "." (exits) "WELP time for some Emergency Bourbon. then Hannelore leans in and whispers)"He misses your body" AUGH "Wow.. Nope.. impaired hearing. But Marty asked me not to..." "Nah." Tai 1791 1792 1793 1794 1795 1796 1797 1798 1799 1800 1801 1802 1803 1804 1805 1806 1807 tries to use an example – but Marigold's reaction? "Ron." ".Yeah. That's what friends are for.) I wrote that. Because I really want this to work out.) [Specials. that's great! I'm.." (So what were they talking about?) "Just anxiety stuff..." (C'mon. seeing someone?" Faye: "Yeah.." "It was?" "Yeah." Marigold the clueless: "Huh?" "I'M SO SORRY! I – I DIDN'T MEAN – YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE DESPERATE TO – I WASN'T THINKING –" It's okay. that's not what she meant. because then she'd fire you and I'd have to pay the rent for this place all on my own." Winslow: "Mister Peepers! Nooooooooo!!!" Marigold is caught by Faye reading about Ron's "inevitable cleft"." Marten: "Please don't. it WILL summon Yog-Sothoth...) "Well.") Maybe he should try "having an ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP with a girl." Marigold: "Do you wanna come back to my place. and. And if you don't follow it up. I'm really happy for you! (No he's not." (None are long enough to be NOVELS! Promise!) "I can take it if it sucks."(blushing) Tai: "I give up. (It .") Dolphins are apparently really creepy to talk to. I broke him. I'd TOTALLY make out with you." (Pintsize doesn't "feel any different. snot on my shirt. m-maybe I could show you some of MY fanfic?" "That's a novel euphemism. happy-batter.. you can't close it again. and I don't wanna do anything that would make you uncomfortable-" "I WILL LET YOU TOUCH MY BOOBS IF YOU'LL SHUT UP. nothing like that happens. anyway?.You'd be surprised how many professional authors got their start doing fanfic.. the "$&#* YOU" Issue." Marten: "Oh." [Is Faye..I’m sorry it didn’t work out... I'm gonna ####ing kill her... you're WAY too whitebread to be into anything THAT weird.. um..... with Faye dousing Marten's ex-girlfriend Vicky with milk. jeez. heads on a pike and bleeding eyeballs?) Dora: "No." "Yeah.'" "S-sure!" (Marigold has no idea.all that drama just 'cause you were in your underpants?" [taking out the trash in the back alley] ".) [Cute face Dora!] Tai: "." Sven: "W-well. Vicky looks eerily like Cosette] Sven stops in and is surprised that Faye's actually being nice to him! ("You kept your word about the date with Hanners the other night....... Should we have warned her? Nope... Marigold: "Too bad none of 'em want anything to do with me..) I..." Still pining for your roommate? Plenty of other fish in the sea.) "No.I'm never leaving my bedroom without pajama bottoms on ever again.." Tai: "Don't sell yourself short. see. glee-gloop. I'm so sorry. don’t worry about it.. Thank you.. did you hear? The Singularity happened." ("Not likely..] Pintsize is undergoing a TRANSFORMATION! "It must be the Singularity! It's finally coming to subsume me!" Marten: "It's not the singularity. it's very flattering. and. Okay then. a lot of. tearing up there?] Sven stops by – "Oh.. it's okay.. actually still have a thing for him. yes. Like. right?" Faye: "Oh." (*sniffle.if this was gonna be such a big deal.." [reading Guitar Porn again] "Yes! YES! Take me! TAKE ME. it's okay! "I'm not – I don't like girls like that... sorry. then.." Maybe she needs a warning label? [CAUTION: Do not drive or operate heavy machinery while under the influence of Faye's breasts. I'm gonna kill her. Yeah. Ouch.. It really has. just tell me the truth!" (Tai looks. I'm going to my therapist today." Winslow: "Hey. and Snaaape. It just tastes gross. I was just heading out now..'" Marigold the clueless: "Why not?" "Well.Seriously.. I can't believe they broke up.. though..Well.1774 1775 1776 1777 1778 1779 1780 1781 1782 1783 1784 1785 1786 1787 1788 1789 1790 Faye filled in Angus.ever want to get together and jam sometime. He's kinda my sounding board for that. and I'm asking you to let it go." "I hate to interrupt your reverie. You and I are a paddle steamer near Niagara Falls... ". you just look really silly." (Faye stands dumbfounded. You don't. just let me know.. I thought you’d be at work.." "It's not ABOUT that. you guys didn't – you didn't. demons." "What's the big deal? It's not like you had some weird fetish to hide. dolphins could be smarter – but then again THEY KIDNAP FEMALES SO THEY CAN RAPE THEM.. a large latte?" (Hanners can't hold it in) "THUH-THAT WAS MUHMARTEN'S FUH-FAVORTIE DRINK!" "DAMMIT HANNERS YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME CRY AGAIN" (Oh. (sad Marigold) B-but yeah! Tons of potential!" (happy Marigold) Tai the English lit major: "No. does she.. I gotta run..

) Lunch: She'll have a Hendricks martini." Mom. I mean. Things you shouldn't say out loud.. back me up here. check under her fingernails for blood. I'm. I feel like a goose just walked over my grave.. while Hanners is sipping. Hannelore's Blood Tree baseball cap?) "Sorry. do you want me to kill Dora for you?" "What?! No!" "Don't worry about me. THIS is the one you were telling me about? She seems perfectly normal!" (Wh-what did he tell you?!) 1825 1826 1827 1828 1829 1830 1831 1832 1833 1834 1835 1836 1837 1838 1839 1840 1841 1842 "Go take a nap. And don't forget – you're single now! You can have lots and lots of casual sex! Just use protection!" (Love you too.. I've given you big-brother advice before! Remember when you were five?" "Yes I do.. that's when they run into Sven (reading PC Whore). Reed. where did I get this huge bump on the side of my head?" "OWLS. "Where'd you put my bra?" "I didn't take it off.. "#########. "It's really weird hearing genuine big-brother advice from you. I'm fine. even Pintsize. and all eyes are on him.. I really hope Marten didn't shake his hand." "It's such a cute picture!" (Tai and Faye can't hold in the laughter.. but that doesn't mean she's out of your league!.) "That's my boy." (Faye tosses Pintsize across the room. Why." "What? No I didn't.. "Oh no no no. Dora's older brother." (pause) [Pintsize is laying on the back of the couch.." CLICK! "OH COME ON!" Mom drops by in the AM on Faye. sad. It'd be easier if you'd just be MEAN about it.....heh... You did. mom.. maybe that means you made the right decision? Or not? I don't know. can I meet her? Please???" "Why." "Did you drink that entire bottle? Please tell me you didn't drink that entire bottle. "I was worried you'd be pissed at me for not gettin' together with Marty.. if his father weren't such a stick in the mud." Tai hugs..." (Marten: "That's it. I'm going back to bed" – but Tai grabs his wrist to keep him right there) And she slips out of the restaurant. say anything stupid last night? I feel like I vaguely remember saying something stupid." Mom! "Come on.. "And you know. Like you...... Jeph: "I. right now. "Veronica Reed. and into Coffee of Doom! "Excuse me..." POW! "At least one of us isn't gonna remember this in the morning. Tai... she said WE woulda made a terrible couple.. but you didn't say anything weird... "Woops! Found a nipple!" Self-medicating with alcohol? "I'm not gonna self-medicate. minimum..." (How many angry squirrels do you think you could take in a fight?) Marten's on the phone: "Yeah. so you can make out with her? You'll have to get in line behind DORA." MOM. I get that you're upset... "But it was FREE." Hannelore: "We could. "Did I. In his own weird way. Marten's getting drunk...." ". "Was.") There's a bright side? "You're still surrounded by people who care about you. that would have been a nightmare!" "So. uh.) "DAMMIT mom. I can't. how was Dora doing. See you tomorrow... the dildo picture (and "My Mommy Spanks People" t-shirt) Pintsize tries to Goatse Ms.." (meaningful pause by Faye) "No.. and I've got work. Hannelore." AWKWARD ZONE = INITIATED RIDICULOUS HAT ZONE! (The ushanka returns. Hanners: "I'm not looking! I'm not looking!") But Veronica sees something: ".Kirk? That IS Kirk! I'd recognize that gape anywhere." "All right sweetie. Hannelore's turn! "Are. you did. the first thing the nurse told me when he came out.. for an older woman..." "Okay.." "You don't have any opinions or useful advice for me here?" "Honey.. But at least the sex would've been amazing!" Hahah. If I find out you're keeping it as some kind of creepy trophy.." "Man. Your 'advice' killed all of mom's goldfish and got me grounded for two weeks. happy life." "'Fraid so. call this number and they'll hook you up with a therapist. thank god she's gone. Hannelore 2010) Tai speculates on Hannermom's "kinks". you really hit the wall hard when Faye threw you. I know that tone of voice." Skrzzt flarzit marm? (Man. Hanners. "And your phone number for my boy here.) Mom's coming to visit? Tai: "Omigod. I'm gonna get drunk.. is Dora in?" Penelope: "You must be Marten's mom.") Backtalking Marten! MARTEN TIBERIUS REED! (Is his middle name really Tiberius? "It WOULD be. I wouldn't mind spending my twilight years in prison if it would make you feel better.. but that'd qualify as work (and she can't afford Veronica's rates)." (No she doesn't. She's really nice!" Marten: "What? Did she say something about you and Angus?" "No.. I can't deal with all this $#!+." (Hanners: "Dora would've at least put up a fight. "NO DON'T DO IT – Aaaand now my mom's been goatse'd.. I guess I gotta find someplace else to get coffee now." "I swear to God I have no idea where it is!" "Could.. Drank way too much last night. "Oh honey. could the SHEER INTENSITY of our make-outs have VAPORIZED my lady-holsters?" "Maybe it's some kind of quantum tunneling effect." rrrrRRR "I don't think they'll appreciate it when I say you threatened me with physical harm if I didn't call. if you really think about it she's probably right. I'd definitely remember if I took it off.. sweetie? Are you holding up okay?" "I feel.. You and Marten? Seriously? Christ.So." "Yeah. love you too mom. you showed them the picture of me with the dildo. didn't you." Faye and Angus makin' out – but she needs to go check up on Marty. are you Marten's mom? ." "Sven Bianchi. I haven't seen him since your high school graduation!" (Speaking of gapes: everyone's mouth is on the floor." "Here." She was only trying to help.hah." "No." Hanners: "I don't understand why you're so scared of her.." "I could. Marten." "Dude. it's time for me to get going. Marten's mom is kinda hot. I think so.." "Wait. honey! I've lived a long. huh. Faye. and – .." "Owls?" "OWLS. Man..." Poor emo Marten can't go to the coffee shop anymore.." (pause) "I suppose it would be incredibly bad form for me to seduce you.. and. No. we could get you a disguise! And an alias!" Faye: ." YELLING BIRD! Randy's Back! "I am eternal" [Mislabeled 1816] Hannelore has to go check on Marigold (Cataclysm expansion pack). She's hiding under the counter. Great.. hung over.. along with Marten's Top Hat and. alcohol-induced hallucination." "This isn't funny." "Huh. Steve. yesterday?" "Oh.. You're asking the wrong parent. but mom's never heard anything. you were super-drunk.." MOM. um.. Dino Marten at Halloween!. I mean.. that sounded a lot more flippant in my head. I know she's gorgeous.. though Hanners is trying her best) The pictures: Mom and dad with cute baby Marten." "Not tomorrow..") Happy New Year! (Marigold 2011. Lemme go check and see if Marigold has two bras on now. Yeah. I – " (Will you be my new mommy?) "Today just keeps getting better and better. If you're feeling relieved. I'm okay. but." "Hey." "I never said it was good advice. you don't have to come visit." (Faye's grave is gonna be BADASS.I just." "." "I TOLD YOU TO SAY I WAS IN CANADA" She HUGS her? "How are you holding up?" "It'd. Dora tells Sven about seeing a doctor about her insecurities... I'll do it tomorrow..) Faye: "Oh.. Suddenly it hits Tai: "Oh my god COME WITH ME TO THE GOTH CLUB TONIGHT" Sorry.. mom.. You must have." "I said I'll do it tomorrow. Sven edition: "Man. Mom meets Tai: OH MY GOD I LOVE THE TINY BUTCH ONES (Hoif!) "Oh.... Marten is visited by the Beast of Bourbon! "You're a terrible influence.. but I'll live. I'll be fine.. of course. was that your –" NO. she was. Marten's Christmas Xylophone. I married a gay man and routinely sleep with men young enough to be my children." Veronica's back! "How are you feeling.) Cump.. in a rather unspeakable position] [Marten drinks straight out of the bottle] Hannelore and Marten sitting on the couch. (pause) Whooo wants to see BABY PICTURES?" (Hanners: "Oh my gosh let me call Faye first!") Yelling Bird does NOT get it: BLAM! BLAM! BLAM BLAM BLAM! Sweet-Tits: "You know he's eternal so STOP ####ING SHOOTING HIM ALREADY" Shame Orb: "YOU DROPPED A CINDERBLOCK ON RANDY INSTANCE 20509A" Marten awakes. VERY pleased to meet you.I'm very ppleased to meet you. that's something my therapist says I need to work on. make something up about how you've gained weight since the last time I saw you! Would that help?" "I feel better already. cornichons (or olives otherwise). You totally went to Coffee of Doom to cause a scene.. mainly.. Are you going to be all right?" (Yeah. Don't worry about it.. sweetie. I – I'm sorry." (switch to CoD) Dora: "Eesh." (I love you too. you were fine.1808 1809 1810 1811 1812 1813 1814 1815 1816 1817 1818 1819 1820 1821 1822 1823 1824 may fail in a spectacular and hilarious fashion?) Ten million YouTube views.What do you MEAN you already bought the tickets?! I don't – (sigh) Okay. you'd have been a TERRIBLE couple. and she's not missing any buttons or chunks of hair or eyeballs or anything. Bye. didn't you. Tai... I'm not GREAT." Awakened to the sound of puking..

I can't go out there! What if they're making out or something?" (Momo checks: "Yes.. have we heard this before?) No! ".Maybe. Marten's brain is fried) And what. MAN! WE! ARE! BROS! (UMASS fratboys: "BROS! BROS! BROS! BROS!") [Pink-shirt. and eventually they started dating." "Really?." "Would you PLEASE stop SPARRING in the middle of the STREET""I had no idea the staff of Coffee of Doom were so formidable. it'll get better." $H!+!" (Marten: "Did we just walk into an alternateuniverse Coffee of Doom?" Hanners: "I don't think I want to meet my doppelganger.." the bands and trashy movies SHE likes "are way better than the ones YOU like." Hanners: "Well he wasn't very good at it!") [SPECIALS update: Bacon(?) sausage latte. this is Renee (BURRRP) and that's Elliot.Mayme. I was thinking about staying here tonight.. Because the only thing you can think of to cheer up your friend is to force him to participate in an activity centered on the degradation and objectification of women!) Steve: ". something's on fire back there. Savannah-style. right? Where do you get yours from?" "Ed Bronchovsky's up in Greenfield. you walked 1856 1857 1858 1859 1860 1861 1862 1863 1864 1865 1866 1867 1868 all the way over here. chew.. look at the time.." "Making sure you had condoms?" ". Wow..) Padma: "Oh. I just… still miss her. molten bitchnium..) "I've never been down this street before.." AIEEEE!!! "This is just the opening credits!" "It's a spooky font!" [Nothing spooky about Myriad Pro] Hannelore fails at flirting: "But doesn't that FREAK YOU OUT? The coffee doesn't REALLY taste any different.. and writing partners? Marigold's not happy." (Oh.") . I AM a single… dude… now…" SLAP! (Okay..." Hanners: "You better not." [Elliot checking his phone. "I'm not hung up on her! I just… it's complicated." (I wish that meant I could grow wings or infrared vision instead of this vague sense of unease. I can't get my old place back. I mean. name not revealed until 1857): "We don't have a 'giant blender thing'. right?" (Marten: "I hope so. (Heheh. aren't you." Marten and Hanners look for a new coffee shop: (Generic coffee shop – Starbucks?) "Too many hippies." "Guess I gotta get used to sleepin' alone again. "regular" guy] "So you're NOT over her." Padma: "'s just nice having you here in my arms. What is that." OH MY GOD WE HAVE TO GET YOU TO THE HOSPITAL . Angus. Which one of your parents was half Sasquatch?" Marigold makes it to Hanners' place.") "I'm gonna shut my eyes and you're gonna lead me to the front door so I can go over to Hannelore's. I always notice pigeons..I saw those pictures of you at your sister's bachelorette party.If you could get a heart attack from one bag of jerky I'd have had like a hundred heart attacks by now.." "Gotta get going?" "Actually. thirty feet apart." (So that's how he got the glass eye and the twitch." Long-Haired Apron Girl (Padma." (You're just trying to make this difficult. ('Lo) (Nice to meet you.." "Real smooth.) "There are things lurking in my saved draft posts that would make a heartbroken 14 year old go 'oh come on. Muay Thai?" "Punch-fu. after all. he was trying to flirt with you." (Meanwhile. Captain Backhair.) "I am your type. you should probably stay in here. but be strong. Renee snoozing on the cake display counter] "Why are you so upset. but the chemicals in your head are LYING TO YOU! You can't count on your own brain to present an objective version of reality!" (Dora: "Hannelore.) [Sign outside shop:] The Secret Bakery Discreet Baked Goods & Coffee Tue-Fri 6 AM – 8 PM Sat-Sun 8 AM – 8 PM Closed Mondays Dora's Back in Black! Sven's "an ass. if you think it's gonna be too scary for you.. like.. My goodness." Steve "Finally startin' to check out other girls... actually. you eat beef jerky?.. I mean. we do amazing wedding cakes . (Is that who you dated last?) He'd come in just to flirt with her. you're such a pig.. Granola(?) mocha.Now it's all different and I don't know what to do.. Barry White." Steve: "My baby bird's finally left the nest!" (Will: "Er. then?" Hidden core of pure. They're like pigeons." Cosette "What?" Marten: "No thanks. but the best we can do is try to adapt. backwards cap. "Professional Sexmaster" or "Late-night TV Show"? Big heads." (True – that way lies ice-cream fatness and shameful blog posts. that romantic arc sounds awfully familiar..." (look." "You're the one to talk...") The Secret Bakery! Cross-neck Guy! Sensitive Brawny Guy (Elliot. that was just a strange person in a costume." (pause for a drink) "Good talk." "No. I'll still see you all the time.. bro.) So… (So…) Who's your cute friend over at the bar?" [Marten's look of complete rejection.." Hanners freaks out over jerky! "My heart's going crazy from the sodium! I'm gonna have a heart attack!" ".") [New backgrounds! New location! Jeph's cramped hand!] "Wow... name not revealed until 1859): "The giant blender thing is on fire." ". if I were into dudes I could do WAY better than THAT. we're good to go..) "It's not the same! I met Renee at a party first. I'd be sad." (Ugh." IF YOU LOVE THIS PLACE SO MUCH WHY DON'T YOU JUST MARRY IT (Actually. international financier and ostrich racer.." (Angus runs off to the bedroom. (I was – I was drunk! And grandma put my hand there!) Your grandma ####in' rules." "Well. I know it's over.. uncertain – leaving a very surprised Faye) "Okay.) "We miss you over at the bakery. man! (No. to Marten's eyes appear. (No. Well.) "I'm out of practice!" Don't tell me you're still hung up on Dora. And Faye would beat you up. seriously.. everyone but Renee. I never have that kinda problem. from across the bar.. that's a bit much'..Alarming. You guys serve pastries and stuff.) I'm Padma. name not revealed until 1865)! Short Dark Girl (Renee.." ("I'm glad you're getting' on with your life" – and a light Faye punch!) "I can't just lie around feeling sorry for myself all the time.) Hannelore: "Ewww. My name's Marten. though. It could be butt-meat!" Marigold: "It came from the steak part of the cow.. Maybe I get you punch in face. I…) WE ARE BROS. and Elliot's look of abject horror] Padma thought Marten and Steve were a couple! "Come on." "Is it cool if we. PI. my turn… The other night. I'd better get going." Marten: "It's gonna be really awkward if I go back to the bakery tomorrow. (blonde in a fairy outfit breezes by) That. Padma. Cosette… (erm. but… Padma! And she's WAVING! "I'll be right back. Crunchy(?) chai] Her name is Padma and she works at the Secret Bakery. (Er… right) Okay.." Marten: "Maybe you shouldn't have completely dominated the conversation.1843 1844 1845 1846 1847 1848 1849 1850 1851 1852 1853 1854 1855 "Ah yes. mister coffee-and-a-danish.. "MY eventual goal is to be an evil millionaire. but it beats moving back in with my folks. don't have sex yet?" (Gee. taste.. swollen heads. maybe stare a little less long next time.) "Did you eat all my jerky?!" "Mo! . This pastry thing is amazing too. Talker Johnson. our good friend Netram Deer. huh?" Marten: "Well. y'know?) I understand..You were FLIRTING with me! And you have a girlfriend! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!" Steve: "MARTEN'S the one who wanted to get his flirt on with you. no." Padma: "I'm not even sure what they're trying to do. anyway? We live." Hanners: "I didn't realize how many coffee shops there are in town. Bee arr bee. Even their chairs are really comfy and . If we see a unicorn I'll drop dead from terminal worldview collapse.." Steve! "Dude.. "I told Angus I wanted to use the TV tonight but he's out there with Faye.) THIS PLACE IS A BUTT AND YOU ARE ALSO A BUTT Marten: "Just because this place is nice doesn't mean I'm gonna totally abandon you guys." (pause) Pimple the size of a DIME? "So much for my mental image of you as a flawless angel. but he just hasn't been the same since the big oven explosion of '98." "Change can be scary. We use it to clean up spills and bodily fluids. his stuff's not bad.." "Would you rather be the outside spoon?" Faye and Angus. um. but I'm sure something decent will come up for rent eventually." (Rene: "They're ####in' awful at this. BARISTA FIGHT! "You're pretty good." Marten: "You never really notice all of them unless you stop to think about it. yeah) …and I LIKED IT. Good talk. man. I wouldn't wipe my eyes with that towel. So I have a type!" (Is that all I am to you? A "type"? Like a favored brand of SHOES?) "### #####it. "We don't have to watch it. Strip club..") "Fancy meeting you here.." (Gee. I mean it's been WEEKS." Elliot: "I'm sure Padma won't make a –" AAAAA!!! "How can a dude your size be so 1869 1870 stealthy?!" (I tend to quietly loom." I'm here for you. their coffee is pretty good. Tonight. It's a problem." (She's even CRANKY like Renee!) "Why else do you like me. (LanPark!) Would YOU trust an AnthroPC to make your coffee? (Vladek's Beverage Emporium – "You want coffee? Maybe I get you coffee..

." "I'm a poet! I was using creative license!" (Faye: "Turns out Beowulf was actually about a Viking who killed a couple of spiders for his wife...nice of you to say.. We didn't even talk about ME!" (Faye Eyerolling: "... sorry!) Dora's looking for a new apartment – over in Amherst! "It's all the way across the river! We'll never see her again..' And then suddenly it's 45 minutes later and he wants to see me next week.) U-Mass study on long-term AnthroPC/human interactions (as Faye sharpens Chekov's Sword. punched in the eye.... Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham. Is there something wrong with your coffee. the Hawk. Shelby. I still can't believe he's not gay!" "Hola. It's okay.. I sit down." Kevlar miniskirts to repel harpoons? [SPECIALS: Cayenne mocha. yeah?) [Gibbs Smack!] "YOU WERE FLIRTING! YOU JERK!" Marten.." (Hannelore speaks in C'thulu language – again – and it has a strong effect on Marigold!) Hannelore dreams she's Marigold – but she's NOT Marigold! (Fireman. It was good to see you. that was.. You're very busy. when she puts it that way.. but wait'll you hear what Wil did to HIM!") "Everything went red." "Sure thing.." (Angus: "It's pretty fun.." Hanners gets the "phone" out." (O-oh.) Pintsize won't do it.. when I wasn't in the hospital." "It's really more of a puce.") Dora's taking that place in Amherst.. You're pretty rad. Also. Sweet-tits.) "Great!" (Satisfied Padma – and sheepish Marten) . It was CRAZY. Very pleased to meet you. "Wow." (blacked out. and Faye and Angus are on the COUCH? "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY APARTMENT?!" "We were makin out on the stairs. y'know. Pint-Snake. homophobic slur.." I would love to introduce my sea cucumber to your fuzzy clam.." (NSFW) "Please tell me Faye's in the bedroom. oh. Michelle Weinstein poster.. As in John Ellicott-Chatham?" (Y-yes....") Marten was "gonna back a cake." Faye: "We could market it as a feature. Punchings. pizza water] Marigold's playing Dungeon Crawl @ CoD – and someone notices. but Pintsize can't be trusted..... and you're not just dancing around my apartment with nothing but a hot pink condom on. I really hope it's just food poisoning. tequila latte (w/worm). Hanners: "Hi Dale!" [Shut Up." (You tiny-state people have a really ####ed up sense of scale. Wil." Sad Hanners: everything's CHANGING! Faye: "I know it's hard. CLICK RRRRUMBLE BOOFSH "Definitely needs more work.. pant) So what kind of enhancements did he give you? (MARTEN MAKE THE SCARY MAN GO AWAY) "Okay Tom Servo.") Hannelore and Marigold "run into" Sven! Marigold's theory of pretty people – which Hannelore promptly deconstructs (with a QED on top).. I understand. lonely. Noell Comic Archives. though... nice black eye you got there. Sven kinda liked having her around (though he'd done nothing but complain). stealing Halloween candy. oh nooooo] "So.. about that.. ah. A$$#0|3S!) Marten's self-epiphany over Faye and Angus' relationship." Hanners: "Yes. Marten: "So you really did grow up on a space station?. how's the next Espressosaurus coming along?"." (Confused Faye is confused) Dude. Shinji] ".. "You should've SEEN that party... Daaaaaaaaaang (I CAN STILL HEAR YOU.. the Roomba? (And since when did it have a subwoofer?) GUEST STRIP (RK Milholland): Marten and Dora meet up – but it was a setup! (Pintsize's "Ultimate Misery Climax") [Awesome background stuff: Red Robot statue from Diesel Sweeties.. It's fine." [Sign language: "I am watching you!"] (Marten tries to apologize) Padma: "Man.. (he doesn't) know how to bake... ME." [Oh no Tai. meat tea (seitan option available)..) OH MY GOD CAN I TOUCH YOU YELLING BIRD: Another New Character to QC. "That's not how it WORKS in real life. we introduce ourselves. Maybe we could do some. His work has always been more important to him... (Pen: "Yeah.1871 1872 1873 1874 1875 1876 1877 1878 1879 1880 1881 1882 1883 1884 1885 1886 1887 1888 1889 1890 The Vulcan Boob Squish Returns! ("My boobs are a powerful narcotic.. and next thing I knew he was sprawled on the sidewalk outside.. I was a mess for weeks. "I was thinking about how at my old coffee place. you're not a witch or wizard or anything.. Get the #### out.") Hanners is home. He's done so many amazing things that help so many people! It's a fair trade for one somewhat-neglected daughter. he's missing out...) "Wait... my self-loathing is the square root of 2... yeah. it's movie sign.." An extremely inebriated young man... Are you always this hyperactive after sex. who then ejected the fellow) "That's not what you told me when you came home last night. took a swing at our bouncer Elliot." The constitutional amendment allowing AI rights. (cue Randy." (I think he's flirting with you! "I hate him almost as much as I hate orc wizards. and she wakes up SCREAMING!) Pintsize ghost-ridin'. I was thinking... but sometimes change is for the better." Faye: "Y'know.. one flight too many?" (I was in boobtrance) "The DOOR was LOCKED" "I'll never understand the appeal of kissing.") "Hannelore. Dad? It's just Hannelore. wake up.." [SPECIALS: Savory muffins. and he's like.." NEVERMIND. FOUR???? Clinton: "Fascinating.. like. "WOULD YOU PLEASE TURN DOWN THE INTROSPECTION I AM TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP" (Sorry.. but honestly. I was just calling to say hello. (badass boyfriend) Er.. More like 'mashing your tongues together like a couple of horny sea slugs. How'd therapy go?" Dora: "Ugh.." (D'awww pause." "This is either butterflies in my stomach or food poisoning.. is laser eyes something they could actually do?) I woulda lasered Clinton so hard. Steve and Cosette show up at TSB – and Cosette confronts Padma! "DID YOU HEAR THAT? I'M PRETTIER.. where were we?" "Aaaactually... I don't shake hands. You're in my bed and I kinda. "Clinton P.." Hanners: "YOU HAD A BONER ON MY COUCH?!" "So. hi Hanners.. assbutt. That's practically an overnight trip... Dad never really had time for me." Hanners: "You should've seen me when I started wearing colored underwear." "A lady always reserves the right to change her mind.) Dora tours the new apartment: "By the way. I just wanted to say hi... You should come by more often. 'so tell me about your brother." Padma: " I meant with your coffee.. cactus up the (hidden)] Tai stops by CoD! "Oh.. So should we do the thing now?" 1891 1892 1893 1894 1895 1896 1897 1898 1899 1900 1901 1902 1903 1904 1905 1906 "Oh. Might as well get that out of the way. "Great. hiding toys." HAPPY ARBOR DAY 2003! (It was the only banner Pintsize had." Hanners: "I knew I brought my helmet to work today for a reason.) He helped develop the first true AI! He invented the quasiperpetual myomer! He's the Henry Ford of intelligent machine design! He pioneered sustainable AI-controlled orbital habitats! He designed the microsatellites that keep the earth's albedo stable! HE INVENTED THE ROBOT HAMSTER (Pant. Bye. no... wow.. Marten-a. PRINCESS SPOOKYSPELL?! (He also has some fossilizes Snickers bars.." (Brandishing Chekov's Sword!) Creepy Clinton was creepy." ". (Did your dad really invent all that stuff?) Yeah. some other time. or traveling with mom. I hit it so hard the National Endowment For The Arts gave me a grant.I'm sure you'll get around to it eventually..tilesets are for babies.. I'm NOT as rad as. I mention I'm staying with Sven.. other things. Sure. right?.. How are you? (pause) O-oh." Dora: "All you really need to get boys to be all over you is a sufficiently short skirt. it was so frustrating. then) BIPBIP BIPBIP "Yes dad? (pause) NO I'm not PREGNANT" Sad Marten at The Secret Bakery." (U-um. or am I just that good?" "Who cares? I'm gonna go wrestle a bear. didn't you know that? (I knew he was some kinda big scientist.. No. outside of work! (It's twenty minutes away!) "Exactly.. Unexpected. that's my dad. We had to institute a strict no-sorcery policy because of our last tenant. Padma asks if something's wrong – and Marten pours out his soul. sad Hannelore.. It was.") [cump T-shirt sighting!] Clinton is your surveyor – with the robot prosthesis! Pintsize notices he's NOT A HOT CHICK AT ALL! The survey gets a little testy. Augustus..'.. "Garlic Bread Kitty" – aka Choo-Choo Bear – is sent to avenge Pizza Girl's death! ] Cosette: "I can't believe you were FLIRTING with her!.And don't even get me started on FRENCH kissing.." (D'awww pause) "Well. "Hi." (What? Why?) "Let me show you the kitchen.... unless the interviewer has." "Whoa. a swarm of cancer-fighting nanomachines.. Did he tell her the flashbang birthday party story?" (Uh. and." Marigold doesn't believe she's pretty – nor does she like the idea of a "makeover"... actually") "It's DISGUSTING! The human mouth is absolutely FILTHY.) I can't believe you're his daughter! He's one of the greatest geniuses of all time! (He's just my dad. ("I really hope we turn out to be a statistical anomaly.

very natural!" [/me sighs] "Well hello there." (How old do you think I am?) "25. Steve and Cosette are moving in together... y'know? But you're a real woman. are you doing anything this Friday? We're throwing a big end-of-the-semester party." Steal the secret to their baked goods' superiority? (hope Elliott doesn't go into berserker mode) Faye and Padma "negotiate". kind of the exact opposite. the owner of TSB." "Say it.... but look what happened to you and Dora.. you're my boyfling####IT I'M SORRY" "This is way cuter than I was expecting. "Coffee beans release carbon dioxide? Oh god COFFEE CONTRIBUTES TO GLOBAL WARMING" (Meanwhile. What are we gonna do until it's ready?" (Just tell people we're out and that we'll have more in a little while..who kinda needs a job because "if I'm not working this summer I hafta move back in with my parents." It really happened..." "That's unethical!" "Oh yeah.." "You tracked her down at work via Twitter? And took a picture that you were gonna post online without her permission? Do you even UNDERSTAND why that might come off as a little creepy?" Clinton's sob story: if it weren't for her dad's inventions. Faye: "You sure you don't need a hand? Wouldn't want you to get a hernia or anything." (Silver fox on the prowl! "What? Foxes?") Northampton Bonercats Summer Kickball League! 1930 1931 1932 Hanners and Elliott are STILL back at TSB! "Do you think they'll be back soon?" "I hope so.) Marigold's own anime isn't very good at Wish Fulfillment." (Pintsize is a chill bro. but yer not gonna 1933 throw me off your trail that easy. huh. then. "Our... DAMMIT JIM.. Great! Yeah. Tai? Why is your eye twitching?" Allergies Faye: "I can't believe you're going on a DATE with that creeper." "Ah.) RAVEN RETURNS! "Thank you. Sometimes you gotta take one for the team." "Yeah?" "Can you see why I'm kinda weirded out?" "I dunno... Come to sample our forbidden delights?. anyway.. It was simple deduction. You're." "I gotta say." Hanners: "You left me here!" Why didn't you want to go with Elliott? "I don't know him! He could be a KNIFE KILLER!" Elliott. I'm sorr-" Raven: "She's got a DATE! With a SEXY OLDER MAN! (pause) Um. actually.." (Grind them up into hipster chum to sell to the fisheries?) To Faye. You'll just end up hurting yourself. we just say... Science Fairy!" . It'll be fine! I can just roast more for us today.. Anyone younger than that looks like a kid to me.) Gross and foamy coffee is degassing. uh. It'll be fine. our coffee beans...) Customer: "Hi. tempered by fond nostalgia.." Dora takes off her top from being all sweaty – and Tai goes FULL MONTY! [and a well placed leap by Mieville] "Let's all towel off together!" Faye: "Get away from me" "So you seriously wanna hook up with Dora. "I feel a sense of." "Pintsize said the same thing. but she "has some secret process she won't even tell (Faye) about. She's moving in to her new apartment today. I can be a little competitive when it comes to coffee.. (looks of horror) I-I go fishing sometimes!" Penelope answers the door to." "That's funny. Shortpacked!): "Butts Disease!" "Initialize semi-autonomous mode!" – aka Famous Last Words of Nerds with artificial hands: "Thing here is about to have a date with the garbage disposal. eh." "I guess I'm pretty obvious.. right?" PT410X had a little "accident" (overclocking went bad)." "We did before you wiped your @$$ with it." Marten dictates a telegram to Dora (and Hanners does the Morse Code!) Faye: "We're stuck on the corner!" Sven: "Well lift your side then!" (Three Stooges Moving Day?) Dora: "KILL YOU BOTH" (". Letting the rest of us see Tai and Dora makin' out is one of those times. Oregon.. right?" "What?. cupcake. could I get a large latte with –" 1934 1935 1936 NO. PIZZA GIRL! AAAAAAAAAAAA "Nice try. yes." "Large Latte for Marten!" (She remembered his name!) It's the first batch of beans from COD.. 'What's the harm in that?'" (If Dora's a werewolf." Dora: "Oh. You two are great together. You're my boafregh.. sadness. Here's what I had roasted for us... I told Renee to clean the espresso machine last night.. try a cupcake. you never let me murder anybody. but I already made plans. Untie him before Hannelore busts a heartstring.." A case of Portland-itis: "When a Northampton townie gets the irresistible urge to migrate to Portland. and meeting his daughter was a once-in-alifetime opportunity. but your coffee is overroasted and smells like feet. It's a refreshing change of pace. (cough) "Would you like to have dinner with me this weekend?" (there goes the coffee mug." (Oblivious Tai is oblivious) "You just ran two red lights and almost clipped that old lady in the crosswalk!" (I was wondering why she flipped me off. Marten: "Aw. I am SO sorry." [ Is someone retconning their past relationships?] "It's just one date.. I hope you're proud of yourself. What's the harm in that?" "'It's just one full moon.) Dora: "Oh. I want a boyfling!") [Malaysian Battle Spatula!] Jim stops by to see how things were going. I guarantee they're better than anything YOU guys sell.. I fired him. but forget about Hanners and Elliott! Exit Faye and Padma.. dammit! Tai: "Hey Marten.1907 1908 1909 1910 1911 1912 1913 1914 1915 1916 1917 1918 1919 1920 1921 1922 1923 1924 1925 1926 1927 1928 1929 Marten psyches himself up for his grand return to CoD: "Is Dora.. Tai! What's up?" Tai: "We're throwing a party this Friday and I was hoping you could come." ("####it." OH$#!+ "Oh my god. dude. bud you bedder nod EBER dell Dora... You must think I'm completely unprofessional.. he wouldn't have his hand. I'm impressed someone your age put together a business this successful.. uh.. miss Coffee of Doom. if someone brings it up.. Angus: "You realize that makes you officially OLD. 26?. if you can't go to a coffeeshop in town because of a breakup? You're a ###### townie." (Raven: "Ooh.' the werewolf said." (It ain't a real Smif party without a mutual homicide." Steve: "Yeah." "Aw.) "Your pastries might be better than ours. I'm originally from California. 1937 "Ahahaha oh man that feels so GOOD! This is gonna be the best morning ever!" Marten and Steve: "So I think Tai is seriously gonna make a move on Dora." Renee: "Dude." Dora: "Why is he a creeper?." (nom nom) "I'll dake doo dozem. I was gonna invite Dora too. Guy couldn't negotiate his way out of a paper bag." "Maybe I wouldn't have. my wholesale price just went up 10% and I have no idea why." ("Okay. kidding. meets Dora! "Huh. I'd love to. because we have such a strict code of ethics here. My boyfremb... and he blew it. don't worry about it. Hannerdad is the QC equivalent of Howard Hughes.." "I spent all that time psyching myself up for nothing?!" (Would a sack of coffee beans help?) Clinton The Stalker appears at CoD! Hanners has her picture snapped.drop this end we can get away while she's pinned in the stairwell. and Hanners and Elliott are left in the Awkward Zone: "You're very tall." Dora roasts their own coffee." "HAH! IN YOUR FACE! WOO! S-sorry. 1997 was the best year for music. I'M TRYING TO BE THE MORE ACCOMMODATING PARTY HERE" "You GAVE HIM all our COFFEE?. if you didn't insist on buying that scratchy one-ply toilet paper.. have you ever killed anything with a knife? "Um. we're officially dating. Oblivious Faye is oblivious – and trying to figure out how to get by on beans from the grocery market. seriously.. the result isn't pretty (a cardboard box for a head?) Momo: "It looks.. this really is better than the stuff we brew. No pussyfooting around the issue." "Fine. 'yeah we had problems with our roaster and had to use crappier beans today' and give it to 'em for free..) Muffin delivery! But Dora forgot something." (Ha-ha) "Not since the divorce. that makes Faye 1938 1939 1940 1941 1942 1943 1944 1945 1946 . Would that be weird?" (Wait. My borthrelm. no stupid drama.") Tai stops by to help Dora move! [Unit number 119] Tai gets Dora's stuffed Bonercat (?) out of the truck. both Faye and Marten threaten violence against him ("Let me handle it. Here. bucko. No.." Townie drama? "Townies have to be BORN here." Dora: "We can't serve them #####-### store-bought coffee!" Faye: "Look.. I don't even have a lawyer. dude." Lawyers? "Ha ha! Kidding.." "On the count of three. Say I'm your boyfriend. is this some kind of convoluted scheme to get us back together?) "Um.. okay.." "So.." Slapped him with his own hand! "I'm not your personal messenger.. Take it... but what if you put a male okapi in space?" Jim.") GUEST STRIP (Dave Willis. Umbersdanb?" (Umbersdoob. here?" Faye: "Nope.

.." "No.) "A truly earthshaking personal epiphany. Marigold doesn't want to dance – and then suddenly: DORA! When Dora finally talked to Marten.. Coed spilling beer.. Shortpacked!): How Hannelore Handles Her Butt-wiping? GUEST STRIP (Dave Kellett.] "You make it sound like it was totally your fault.. I won't have to drag your body out to the old quarry." Sad Tai: "Right." Dora: "I did.) Jim turns 41 in July.this is the first date I've been on since I broke up with my ex. uh. I wish I could get to that point with my ex. That was way better." The date: Dora worked at coffee shops all through college. I'm gonna take up a career in –" "Bank robbery?" Phone call.. how did I know you were gonna be in my apartment?" "Why am I in your apartment?" "It's been forever since we played any music!" Amir! "Hey dudes. I just think it's funny. or sit out here and look all Zen-contented for the rest of the night?" "I'd like to come inside but both my legs are asleep." Gloooooooooom Raven's got the Espressosaur figured out! RRRRUMBLE KRAK FLASH! "Wh. your problem's simple... Six years from now. she'll be thrilled." Tai: "What about no-stringsattached casual sex?" "Why. It'd be weird. It wouldn't be fair to either of us if we tried to force things. "Make sure you let Tai know you're here. now?" "I'm cool if you are. nah." "You're joking.. Marigold tries to "get down" – and Hanners isn't helping.." Raven: "Don't worry. are you offering?" (blushing stammered half-reply) "I know." "I apologize in advance for chewing with my mouth open.) " Dora. MY age when you had her. yeah. intelligent young lady who runs a successful business in a challenging industry. but.. What do I want?" (pause) "Hannelore!" "Yes?" "Wait.) Okay. maybe once you get things sorted out we can give it another try." "You're being reasonable. but didn't know how to bring it up with Marty." ".Yeah. Let me know if I'm coming on too strong. I've never really been friends with an ex before. the universe has a sense of humor." KRAK [It reappears!] Faye: "What" Raven: "Adams' Law. B#####S" "I guess we just work better as friends than we did as spouses." ("My gallery would be RUINED if it suddenly turned into a sperm whale. I'm sorry." "Yup! Which means you're the PERFECT age to start breeding!" Check Please! Meanwhile. maybe I'm a LITTLE bit of a dirty old man. but he's looking for a relationship." 1967 1968 1969 1970 1971 1972 1973 1974 1975 1976 1977 1978 1979 1980 1981 1982 1983 1984 1985 Dora heads inside.. eh?" "Figuratively speaking. actually. Garlic Bread Kitty?) [Choo-Choo Bear cameo!] Gallery owner: "I commissioned you to do a dinosaur espresso machine?" Faye: "It disappeared. wasn't really looking. [Class of Whenever girl. are we cool." (Just go on your stupid date) Dora rockin' the little black dress! [New apartment number is 8] "Don't blow all your flattery at the beginning of the date.. I. Haircut. I'm sure it'll turn up sooner or later.... Rice Boy): Coffee of Doom in repose (but where's the door to the back room?) GUEST STRIP (Zach Weiner. Until then.. I was just doing the math and realized you were. too. "So you and Dora are cool now?" "I guess so. "It's okay. Right?" "NOW you're getting the hang of it!" YELLING BIRD celebrates "FREEDOM DAY. it doesn't're not the only one who has #### they gotta figure out before they date anybody else. is something wrong?" "Sorry. honey. A hundred-foot tube." Cheeseburger. from his daughter? Walked home from mother's house? "I don't know. Maximumble): Fun at the Coffee of Doom! (Ice coffee. but. You could be THIRTY and I'd still find you attractive. Dora. a lot of it was him.. Girls With Slingshots): Hannelore helps Marigold clean out that "special drawer" with her Space Rubber suit! GUEST STRIP (Randy K." "Meet any intriguing young ladies at the party last night?" "Oh.. I mean.." GUEST STRIP (Chris Hallbeck. it should reappear in 96763 seconds with an amazing cup of espresso. You didn't lead me on... At The Party." "Sweetie.. Pink shirt Bro. and Raven wants to be a sexy Baba Yaga!) Purple Glooooom at the Library.." "Danke schön.") Raven took out the "Parallel entanglement processing core" and it works! "Great! Here's a check. then go for it. Bad Machinery): Pintsize helps come up with Dora's business issues! (Or not. Something*Positive): For the LAST TIME. That makes me nervous. I need a steady stream of compliments or I get cranky.) Marten drops in! "So we really are cool? You weren't just being nice to avoid awkwardness last night?" "Hahah." (Okay. living here?) "How do you even shower?!" "Shower?" I'm going home . Visitors would emerge harrowed and forever changed by the experience.." [Either that or raccoon fur and paintball residue. me too.. Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal): Hanners is afraid that robots will take over the world. Age has nothing to do with it. right now.." (Have you been. very creative. Marty was uncomfortable about it." "If my calculations are correct. Maybe a couple hours? Yes.1947 1948 1949 1950 1951 1952 1953 1954 1955 1956 1957 1958 1959 1960 1961 1962 1963 1964 1965 1966 Frankenstein's monster. He runs that super-fancy gallery shop on Main Street. robots are our FUTURE." "This is weird.. that's supposed to be Dora in the background. just not ready for that right now. Sheldon): Defense-Net 10 visits Hannelore! (No. "Oh good.." THOOMP THOOMP THOOMP "Hey – " "#### OFF I'M BUSY" THOOMP THOOMP THOOMP (Tai does the double take) THOOMP THOOMP THOOMP ("AGH!" Hanners gets roped into DJ'ing) THOOMP THOOMP THOOMP (Hanners puts on the headphones: "I don't know how to – " "JUST NOD YOUR HEAD AND PRETEND TO CLICK THINGS") THOOMP THOOMP THOOMP (Hanners does a quick read of the Ableton Live user guide) THOOMP THOOMP THOOMP To the other porch! Tai: "I thought you had a date tonight.. (pause for realization to set in) $#!+. (How come?) She's apparently got a DATE with some GUY. Who knows. Faye." (Return of the UMass Fratboys!) Sssshhhh [Chunky Bro...." SNIP! "Figure out what I want.. and decided to work for herself. "You don't have to worry about Dora being at the party on Friday." "It's nice. "ARE THEY KISSING I CAN'T LOOK TELL ME IF THEY'RE KISSING" Catching up and idle chit-chat. aren't we." "Ooh. like." "Yeah." "When did you get divorced?" "Well. I was joking about the constant compliments. eh. I understand why you feel that way. I am NOT PIZZA GIRL! (Isn't that right. real money. You're not actually old enough to be my dad. technically." "Second-to-last time." "Are you gonna come in and hang out with us. It's won 'coolest store in America' like five years running. Purple Mohawk girl.... who'll care? GUEST STRIP (Danielle Corsetto.... Hatless Bro] IT'S JEPH'S ####### BIRTHDAY! (31 years old!) Faye and Marten on the couch! Marten found out about the Date. what did you.. we're cool.. "egg muffins" and the flashing coat hook in the bathroom) GUEST STRIP (Dave Willis. It's just not meant to be." "You're a beautiful. Basically." Marten's at the party. no meat-burps.] Confessional time: Tai wanted to get with Dora." (And they say artists can't be good salespeople. barely big enough for a person to crawl through. friends?" (HUG) "Friends." [Basic summary of Dora/Marten's relationship from her point of view." Faye joins Marten on the porch. is she related to Cosette?] "So when were you gonna tell me you had a kid?" "Her name is Samantha and she's 13. that actually WORKED? Try it on ME! I'm still bitter as ####!" "Good luck? You're not going to try to dissuade me?" "It's your life. Faye: "Can I give you some gentle advice? Being bitter isn't goinna make you feel any better." (Marten Reed. you need to do that. she's a bit of a tomboy. Milholland." (meaningful pause) "We're both remembering the last time we had sex.." "God.. I'll call you when I'm on my way.I shoulda asked for like TWICE as much money.." GUEST STRIP (John Allison. lined with human hair." Dora: "Do you know who that guy is?. You're just so jaw dropping. He's a really nice guy." "I'm not mad at you. (Haircut first.. you're right. "I always say if the shop ever tanks." [Gee. (That's still ten years younger than you. caffeine overdose.) GUEST STRIP (Evan Dahm. next Tuesday. I was wonderin' if you'd ever come back. professional indie ogler!) "Not really looking." "Hey. Do what you want." [Gee. I know from experience.. I'm such a mess. You just have to figure out what you want from life." Marty: ".. you work with Marten. I totally have time to clean this up. I'm out of practice.." Understanding Jim is understanding: "If you've got issues to work out. we're still bros." (All eyes on Dora!) "What the #3!! is everyone looking at?" Hanners: "I'm sorry!" Random Smif student: "We saw your friends watching you and thought something interesting was going on." Creepy hairdresser! "I'm working on an art installation.. but it's not his place to say she can't date her. why didn't you remember that back in 1645?] ".." "Whoa.. wait. "So." (Meanwhile: "Okay." "So.. I probably shouldn't be dating ANYBODY right now. ".. Pink Angel Wing Shirt Guy] Awful little mewling poo-larvae.

.0 The artificial intelligence paradigm. either. "If you are unhappy with how you look.. and the transaction agent will refund the contract fee. one male and two female chassis in background] Leda: "This isn't my first chassis. Momo wakes." "I love you too." (Mari: "No offense". hence the quotation marks). etc. Evil stare of death – and sad look at Momo!) "Do not give me that look. but.." Mar: "Aw!") [Lucky Star Manga girl! Red Robot from Diesel Sweeties and Metropolis robot] What about this one? BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA! (Hahaha.. Okay.." Amir: "Well." "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.either party is free to terminate the relationship at any kick-drum leg is really tired. 'Sides.." AUGH 1994 Back at Mari's place: "No video games for the next three days.) "I can also reach your head to smack you upside it when you are being unreasonable." I'LL TAKE OUT A LOAN JUST LEMME PLAY SOME FRIGGIN' VIDEO GAMES 1995 Marigold gets the site back up. One would think that the majority of AIs would choose to simply be given a chassis and left to make their own way in the world. Apt. FARTCHAN!] USB port activated. I'll. but the majority who do not go into a specialized profession choose to pair up with a human "owner.. Four great prices.) I LOVE YOU MARIGOLD! (SNRKT x2!) "Perhaps you should buy a humidifier too. we have a lovely selection of wonderful chassis.". you could eat better and exercise more... or allowed to subsume in the global meta-AI. I'll just eat ramen for a while." <bribe_mode> "I'll buy you that new chassis you've been looking at!" "The – the Mitsubishi PX-3500?.. this will be good for you. and I thought she was trying to fool me. I think so too. were you serious about helping me purchase that new chassis?" (A loan? That'd be crazy.. How may I assist you this morning?" (Crying Momo) "PPLEASE do not return me! I am sorry for expressing unhappiness with my current chassis! I will never mention it again! Please. Momo: "You should go to sleep now. okay.. and it's WONDERFUL! I could just SING about it!" (singing off-screen) "The maaaaaalls are aliiiiiive.) [Sign 2: "The Idoru Handmaiden Series: Four great AnthroPC models." (Hanners: "I don't want to be in a Metallica cover band!") 1988 Hanners: ". Female Address: 14 Elm Grove Ln." (I'M NOT CRYING THERE WAS A CAT ON THE STAIRS AND I'M ALLERGIC) .. in today's strip) where they are put up for "sale. Momo. dammit.." (I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!) Marigold busts a blood vessel when she finds out how much the chassis costs (SNRKT)! "I will pay you back! I will get a job! I can work 24 hours a day! I do not need sleep!" (It's okay." (W-what? No!) [Sign 1: "A. The difference is in the.. Understand?" (Yes. Marigold. "Do a lot of you. I can afford it... You're not alone up there.. I'm sorry! I banned her from video games for the next three days. Guaranteed not to go insane and kill your loved ones. Perhaps the deluxe version – (Ugh.. If they 1997 1998 1999 2000 2001 2002 2003 2004 choose to go into "retail" they are allowed to choose a self-identity and are shipped to a reputable "dealer" (such as Idoru. military. with sound of peeeeeople" Leda: "The manager said no more in-store musical numbers!" [Momo's consoling the toaster. you two.. change careers like this?" Charlotte: "Oh..1986 Wow. Leda is apparently an "upgraded" base model"). No. I asked to be transferred to a standard civilian chassis..) "What was your first concert like?" (Flashback: Marten playing the piccolo for Mom and Dad!) "The. and Marigold is playing on her netbook!) "Marigold Louise Farmer! You are grounded!" (Aw!) 1993 Marigold: "You can't ground me. The general consensus is that the average AI simply finds your average human entertaining.) And while she sleeps. they are given a choice of function." Faye (looking on): Quit bein' all sweet. Have a nice evening!" (Well?) "Your father wants me to extend it to a week. uh. um. I spent the first four years of my existence as a sentient forklift.. (Toaster: "I make bread FUN!" – Charlotte tosses her aside) But there's so much MORE to the world! So many different PEOPLE and PLACES and SMELLS! (Smells? "Don't ask" as Leda catches the toaster) I just COULDN'T be stuck in a server room for the rest of my life. most of us are happy with our chosen role. I like you just the way you are.I.." (Hanners doesn't believe her. alarm goes off at 9:17. Pintsize? It's me." A couple of Pintsize-like models. I'm ALIVE. that's the riff from 'Enter Sandman'.." (Don't be silly. 8. that never gets old." 1987 What was that riff? "Dude.. turns out it's really hard to tune my guitar by ear when you guys are playing at the same time.. (pause) Yes. I'm a grownup now!" (It's for your own good. Shall we take a look?" Chassis shopping: The base model? "I want something with more personality." (full blush) 1990 Hanners doesn't know if she could play in front of people. My name is aspect of their programming indicates a cause for such a bias. "Charlotte..' Does that mean we're going to play a CONCERT someday?" (I dunno. looks down at her (not THERE. The use of terms like "sale" and "owner" are considered offensive by some." Purchase of an AI is not a binding contract..dr I am a big ol nerd] "If – if Marigold says it is okay. PLEASE do not send me back!" Leda: "'Returning' a sentient intelligence that has bonded with you emotionally? You MONSTER. Hannelore. Hannelore is right.' you run a SHOE WEBSITE.. take your hobbies very seriously!" (Goes to sleep at 4:06. go throw your guitar down the stairs and let's play it agan.. it's okay. I would like to get a new chassis." (Wait. wha – the site's down? No. where they are stored in a "creche" of other AIs in their generation." Momo: "Thah the lah tihe I looh up thethy yaoi thithes hor you. the crowd was really into it.") 1992 Marigold sleeps over on Hanner's couch.. Momo will make sure you stick to it. "You just. Oh. maybe."] [JEPH: Artificial intelligences are created in a virtual environment... That's not pathetic at all. Five times.) [Ringtone: "JOUJOU YUUJOU! BANJI MAJI KAICHOU!"] "Hi dad. "chest"?). When bootstrapped to self-awareness. But it cost thirty thousand. and talks to dad) "Is it true that you're having website trouble?. os 4. while there's a rolling security bot in the background] Momo: "Is it okay if I try this one out?" [It looks like.. I need a robot to do it." There has been much speculation by both humans and AIs as to the reason for this. And would you believe it? They forgot to delete the launch codes!" (EVIL LAUGHTER!) (Marigold hugs Momo in fear!) "Anyway." "Do you not recognize me. My LIFE! I'm ALIVE! I don't care about the semantics. They keep forgetting. it's not the 'Red Chinese. Marten: "That's what's great about being in a band. Preferably with a tank battalion. I'll give her 5 more minutes or until his head caves in. eyes and fingers going askew) Leda: "It looks like you may have some corrupted registry files. I didn't BREAK SOMETHING.. you pervs) hands and starts to smile when: "erk" (tongue out. tl. whichever happens first. I can make you healthy meals!" (I can't even take care of myself. that was the Best Song We've Ever Played! Marten: "Yeah.." (It's okay. the manager said no more scaring the customers!" [Happy Toasters in the background!] Charlotte used to be a bank AI. Faye: "You realize there are gonna be ^#(| of creepy douches hitting on her if you ever play a show. and are becoming rather politically incorrect (my use of them here is solely for sake of comparison. I was the AI on a nuclear ballistic submarine. stop yelling! I'll go home and take a look.commercial use (AnthroPCs)." 1991 Marigold and Hannelore: mutual sleep-deprivation freakouts! (Pen: "Would you tell them to go home and get some sleep already?" Faye: "I tried." [animated GIF: Hurf Durf] Hannelore gave Momo some extra clothes. You're gonna make Angus cry.) "I could get a job! To – to pay off the loan! It would take a while. you're doing all that double-kick stuff with ONE LEG?) "That's not how you're supposed to do it?" (How is that even possible?) Tikkatikkatikkatikka [Magic Motion Animated GIF Strip!] (It's like a ######### Tool video!) 1989 "Amir said 'when we play live. Ask an associate today. Blgh." "Welcome to Idoru. The Izumi-04 is a VERY popular – (Momo looks at Marigold: "No. uhm. scientific." (Foreboding background) Beatdown time! Marigold: "I'm sorry!" Marten: "It's cool." "I really do love you.. Northampton MA 01060 Prior Work Experience: None Relevant Skills * Full suite of information processing software * ~97 TB data storage space * Capable of generating up to 250mA DC electric shock * Eel Handling 1996 Momo and Mari going for a ride! Where? "It's a secret!" (Why are we at the mall?) "You'll see. and enjoys the companionship.. I can cook for you! Now that I can actually reach the stove and refrigerator. Resume time! Momo-Tan (Sony KawaiiPC Serial #SD94637) Age: 85147200 seconds Gender: Artificial Intelligence.

I need to be closer to my family. And you're not gonna have time for me in it." Marten: "Well. It would make things awkward. "I have been all over town.." Maximum Ridiculosity Hats Return! "You've been into her all this time and you never said anything?" "We work together.") "So he drags me to the bar. lemme go ask Tai. Especially my grandma. There are not that many Pokemon at this time.. but Weeping Hour is only on Thursdays." (######nit.. you DID say you weren't gonna kick my @$$..) [sunn:))) T-shirt!] Mount Tom backgrounds! Elliot applies the bug spray on Samantha." "Nothing's ever simple for you romantically... uh. if you've." "So now I have a JOB and a NEW FRIEND and we're going HIKING tomorrow! Isn't that great?" (Marigold's not impressed – or happy) ". And I don't think she feels the same way. why not? As long as I don't go over budget or burn the library down. in South Hadley)." "That big dude Elliot looked like he was gonna kill me. She's been here for three years. she would have acted on them by now.. duck. Besides. and just can't bring himself to tell her." ". (pause) "You moved across the country for a girl once. (Maybe tell her how you feel anyways?) I fail to see how that would make me feel any – are you taking notes?" Wil: "Ever since I got a girlfriend... "Whoa cool! Are you super strong? Can you shoot lasers? DO YOU HAVE ROCKET BOOTS?!" (does an electronic selfdefense capability count?) "C'mon let's go try it out! C'mon!" (stammering Momo is stammering) Marten: "That girl is a bad influence. And now I feel like a total bitch. mister triple-shot latte. you used to think my butt was cute. Faye: "How do you know we weren't actually talking about shoes?" Dora: "Raven's a terrible liar... To keep it out of Pintsize's hands. (Makes it that much happier to get away?) No. Faye! I made some coffee. Elliot called me out of the blue and said he was in LOVE with me. what's that skinny redhead reading? BIRD CARE?) Steve: "When Elliot inevitably gets rejected by Padma." Hannelore catches Momo as she gets out of the shower – and curiosity gets to her: SQEEEEK (Hee) Heeee heeheeheehee heeheehee SQUEEK SQUEEK SQUEEK (STOPPIT STOPPIT STOPPIT) Faye updates Raven about Padma.." Momo and Marten visit TSB! "Hey. it's perfectly sa-" FWOOOOOSH "-aaaaAAAAAAIEEEE" Bitey goes free. That is some Keyser Soze ####." "My love life is like a Rush song – complicated and wanky. With your baking. I’m pretty infatuated. Wanna come along? (Uh." "." "I didn't mean to be steppin' on any toes or anything. and Momo? Padma inappropriate laughter! "BUG spray! Get it? Software bugs? Hahahaha!" "SNAKE!" Samantha somersaults down the hillside – but she catches the snake! "I'm gonna name him Bitey!" "You always name them Bitey.. uh." "You mean you think I have a chance?" "Remember.. is it.. You coming?" ("We?" You mean you and Sam and.'" (Stunned Marten is stunned) Steve (aside): "Nice going... Padma likes the view on the edge. If she had feelings for me." Meanwhile. LA... dude." "What? I would never!" ".. but called in 'sick. and can't live on her own anymore.." Marten: "Hey. is this about Padma?" "Yes. I'll have to ask you to take it outside.. what would you like to do?." (two-handed tug off screen) The Horrible Revelation: "So." "I'm not gonna – Actually." (Yeah.. Why does that hurt my feelings. We haven't decided what to do with it yet. are you really gonna miss my baking that much?" "I'm. but it's no Angus-booty.2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 2010 2011 2012 2013 2014 2015 2016 2017 2018 2019 2020 "Um. are you scared? C'mon.. how did you think I got your unqualified @$$ a job?" "Hey." "Oh. I get leg cramps if I do too much walking. I miss my family." Yelling Bird and "Shebly" promote the new book! "I ran into the door until it broke!" "Hello nice people!" Samantha goes to school at PVPA (Pioneer Valley Performing Arts Charter School. Momo confesses – she's a robot." (deer-in-the-headlights) "Tell Faye I loved her!" (tugged off screen) "I mean. you're my best friend!) "So. I live with Marigold.." Padma the clueless: "Don't worry." "Sure.big unrealistic fantasy that she'll realize she loves me and decide to stay. "To remove dirt or stains. but I can't stay here and be happy either.. Dora realizes they're lying when they talk about "shoes". I don't WANT to leave. if you've got feelings for –" (Is he angry? Or is it. I'm the friggin' Machiavelli of romance. Besides." (Stop it you are frightening me) Momo brings Samantha home to meet Marigold. we're full up on rookies." Sam leaves to put Froglord back in the swamp.. believe me. I'm busy" Faye: "You're wearing shorts. (O-oh." Faye gets updated on the hike: Elliot is in love with Padma. she's dead-set on moving home. and he said that was okay. and Padma reveals something: "I'm moving home in a couple weeks. that frees you up to make your move.. on second thought. KEYSER-" (Dude shut UP) "YOU told him to tell me? (I'm sorry! It just seemed like it was really eating himself up inside..... some." (Spooning Momo?) "Th-this isn't really what I – " "But I am too big to fit on top of the dresser anymore!" [Magical Love Gentleman book on the floor!] "Good morning... we'll make sure to do plenty of stretching. he just wanted to get it off his chest. it's all right. king of the amphibians "I am not some kind of kitchen appliance. I never woulda met all you guys if I hadn't.. it isn't like that. I've never seen you in shorts before. Padma: "We go hiking up on Mount Tom sometimes. ("I'm pretty sure he could take you in a fight") and Padma's moving back to LA in a few weeks. I am only 2." (Promise." (pause) "Wow.I want to spend as much time with her as I . she's leaving. That one's empty.. not dealing with this kind of drama.. the chassis' covering may be removed and placed in a dishwasher set to gentle – " I am taking a shower..." Padma: "Hee hee." (Hey. I was just hoping.. But no.DEFINITELY not gonna happen if you don't tell her. Yes. not in a romantic way.. Oh. uh.. and you've been wearing the same ratty-@$$ pair of Chucks since I met you. and it turns out HE'S way into Padma. Your daughter?" Marten: "Do I seriously look old enough to have a daughter her age?" Momo: "Technically." 2021 2022 2023 2024 2025 2026 2027 2028 2029 2030 2031 2032 2033 Now what? "Marten and I are going to go get a beer. sure) Hey Elliot! We're going hiking tomorrow. She'd run the whole bakery for him..) "You got a robot pregnant?!" Samantha meets Momo! "I know all about Pokemon!" 513? (Pansear) 397? (Staravia) 456? (Finneon) What's it evolve into? (Lumineon) 721? "Trick question." "Not now. I basically have free reign. him?) Marten gets the connection: "Uh. I mean. (pause) ." "We must burn it." "Oh! I am sorry.." Marten: "Do you really know all that. suppose one of them were to have a tragic accident. BOOBS!" ARGAFARGL YOU ARE SO DEAD (Marten: "Note to self: start knocking before entering your apartment.) Momo at the library. She's had a bunch of health problems.dunno why (you'd be) jealous. Sorry. she got a new chassis." "So I guess we're going hiking tomorrow?" Tai is proud of Momo – she got Marten a date with a "hot-@$$ lady." Is Coffee of Doom hiring? "I think between Cosette and Hanners.. "What." "But. would you – (SLRRRP right from the pot) – like.) "BAAAA HUH HUHHH WAAAH HUH HUH UHHHH" ("Oh geez Oh geez" – sobbing Elliot is sobbing) Wil: "I'm sorry Elliot. I've never gotten a vibe that she was interested. I told him I didn't feel that way about him. Really) Yeah. we tried to get her to stay.. but nobody is willing to give me a job. and my grandma needs someone to take care of her. You better not do it again.. when can you start?" "Can you just hire someone like that?" "Sure. "Did you know there is a swamp down by the bike trail?" All hail Froglord. this coffee better not be poisoned. you really do sound like her dad. just in a friendship kind of.) It's not your fault. kiddo. Momo? No offense..." (That kind of hurts my feelings..." Angus and Faye play "Duck. but it's hard to sleep with you sitting there staring at me.all of a sudden you've got this whole new LIFE." "W-we are?" "We are. when you dragged me over here I thought you were gonna kick my @$$ or something. my @$$ has plenty of qualifications!" (Momo: "Is that something you are supposed to put on your resume?") Winslow brought the samples she asked for! "Momo? MOMO?! NOOOOOOOOOOOO (She got a new chassis) OOOooooowhat?" Marigold: "I said. or are you looking at Wikipedia in your head?" "Please. The boss even offered her a promotion." Raven: "I think the right one is actually a hollowed-out rat carcass.. my life has been entirely devoid of pathos! This is primo material!" "Man. I had no idea! How could I have been so oblivious? He was supposed to come in today..7 years old – " (You're a robot. while Marten defers.) Padma: "Last night.." Sam wants to go looking for snakes with (a less-than-thrilled) Momo. Are you Marten's little sister?. And I know how much that sucks.

Shortpacked!): The staring contest GUEST STRIP (Bill Barnes. yeah." Marten: "We'll have to lock Pintsize in my bedroom. I've been to the city." (He sounds like trouble. What's holdin' you in there?) \\ Marten: "It's okay. I said 'yes. but will eventually get over your inhibitions and have a good time. You put two ice cubes in a glass... At least I provided some comic relief. I'm glad you think I'm nice.) [JEPH: "Momo is not actually embarrassed. coordinated movement of the legs and torso…" (Faye: How come you didn't dance?) \\ Padma: "I'm sorry I laughed at your dancing.2034 2035 2036 2037 2038 2039 2040 2041 2042 2043 2044 2045 can. You were right.) Padma (and Cross-neck Guy?) outside the dance club – and PADMA ATTACKS! "Eeeeeee CHAH!" (POW! Right in the kisser! Broken glasses! Hannelore with the mace at the ready!) "You were supposed to block it! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BLOCK IT!" I'm so sorry! I thought you were gonna block it! "Ged me a double bourbon on de rogs ad I might nod hade you foreber. Gentrification knows no bounds. Padma pokes the drunk guy at the bar in the last panel) 2046 2047 2048 2049 2050 The night the lights went out in QC: Marten. "You sure about that?" As long as you don't freak out and dump him 'cause you're scared of emotional attachment. "I told Padma how I feel. then dump 'em out and fill it with bourbon. so you better sack up. it was thoughtless of me. heard. (Hanners: What should we do now?) Let's head back to our place. It was squeaking rhythmically and banging on an overturned paint can for spare change." Hannelore intercedes with her PSYCHIC POWERS! "Good news! You'll be nervous at first. huh." (Oops! Marten/Padma makeouts on the couch! Blushing Hanners is blushing!) Faye (to Hanners): "No peeking!" Clothes on the floor. blushiest! FWEEE "That." // Hanners: "I couldn't dance in this top! My boob would pop out!" (I'm surprised that hasn't happened already.. but you better come dance!" (at the bar..." (Background hi-jinks: Cross-neck guy talking to Tai DJ'ing? Guy at the bar suddenly passes out in the last panel) So Angus busted out the ol' L-word. Poor lil' guy. "Okay. They'll chalk it up to polar bear attack." (Yeah. you know? I'm not very good at considering my response first." "I'm. That's not a bad thing." Faye pushes Marten out onto the floor: "What are you. and try not to puke on anything important. "Isn't that what we're doing?") AW YEAH GONNA GET ALL MERCE CUNNINGHAM UP IN THIS BITCH On the way they run into Elliot. sorry. and the city's not really her thing. only a crazy person would do that" (Background: Hanners talks to Tai – who's taken aback by her outfit." Faye: "MARTY.) "I could put her in a sleeper hold. I ah. TWELVE? Is this GRADE SCHOOL? Padma's in there waitin' for you." (He downs his drink and goes out there) That's it." And… TEH KISSESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!!!! Tai: "This is. I hear he's gone all dubstep." (kiss) "I love you. it's been like. how silly of me. is that your big dream? To be a rock star?" Marten goes on about wanting to play shows and do some recordings… "I'm boring the crap out of you." "It's easy. Faye puts on her broken glasses and spills it) ". hey!) What? Most musicians I've met have been jerks. then. "Sixth level cataloger.. I think I've got everything hooked up. (pause) BOLLOCKS (Drink some water.. that's great.) "It's okay. that is a lot of Victorian-era pornography." (Oh yeah." (Of course.. too. "For your INFORMATION.. it's really hard to have a serious conversation when you're all stuffy-sounding." Padma: "Not at all.. maybe sometimes it's a bad thing. Hijinks Ensue): Sergei can get Questionables Comments! GUEST STRIP (David Willis." (Hanners and Tai: Secret wine?) Padma: "Promise not to draw ##### on my face if I fall asleep. bourbon. NOW.Angus told me he lubbed me today. deactivated Pintsize." (Hanners tapes up Faye's glasses while Padma goes for the drinks." (Yeah yeah.) Why were you drinking by yourself anyways? "Tell you later ONWARD TO DANCY TIMES" Flashdance Hannelore! She found a book at the library! (Hannelore.) Faye & Angus at the Amherst Amtrak station: "You sure you don't wanna come with me?" (Don't wanna dump shifts." "I-I love you. toes wiggling under the bed." (Yeah." "I know. whiplash!) "Tell your friends they're invited too!". "Oh. there is just so much pornography to download it is overheating her system. It's loud and smelly. some of us have BETTER THINGS TO DO than just play VIDEO GAMES all the – " (EPIPHANY!) Marigold runs into CoD and Hannelore: "What have you done to me" [GEEK (save ends) t-shirt] Stop hitting me! "Stop worrying and I'll stop hitting you." [Marigold happily playing on her netbook in the first panel] Tai gets Momo connected to the library database.) So. The whole wedding was late. I was thinking you could come along..." WHO'S READY FOR SOME DANCIN' (Drunk Faye is DRUNK) Marten: "It's not even 8 PM!" I'M DRINKIN' ON ENGLISH TIME PIP PIP CHEERIO AND BUGGER ME BOLLOCKS (They won't let you in if you're already belligerently drunk) NOOOOOO no no no no." Hanners: (Yes ma'am!) DNNNNWUBWUBWUBW UBWUB 2051 (I… I think I need a cigarette…) "Seriously.) // Hanners: "Yes." (You're straightforward. too!" (frozen look) Cut to The Horrible Revelation: "Gimme a coping mechanism on the rocks. (Whoa. Spread yer wings an' fly! (bad dance moves and a laughing Padma later) …Straight into a jet engine. panties with DAAAAAANG on the rear. Well. next to passed-out drunk guy) "I'll have one of whatever he – " DON'T DO IT! SAVE YOURSELF! SAVE…SAVE YOURSELLLL. I had the same reaction the first time I looked through it." "Seriously." It's Tai's first "real" gig. S'cool. Dual conversation mode! Hanners: "Scientific studies have shown that women prefer fast. okay? Promise me.) // Hanners: "Doublesided tape… I thought about using neodymium magnets. Padma never would have guessed Marten was in a band.) "It's okay." Hanners: "Is it a cabernet?" Faye: "It's a secret. you're SAD ABOUT THIS. DANCING. Sorry it didn't work out." (A couple?) \\ Padma: "I always just REACT to things.") GUEST STRIP (Joel Watson." Wil: "I don't believe I know that drink. Forget girls." (Still. Watch." Seriously..) That's your jommmf!" (Hannelore muzzles Faye with her headband!) "Thank you Hannelore. my mom asked me if her dress made her look fat. and: blush.) Faye: "Why lock him in yer bedroom when we have a perfectly good broom closet?" (You wouldn't want him keeping you up all night with his mischief.) Faye appreciates DJ Tai! "And I'm not just sayin' that 'cause you bought that round of drinks. "Your boobs are amazing." (. I'm an audiosexual now. TOTALLY GOOD..Yeah. maybe a little.. (aww.. this is a book about MODERN dance.) \\ Padma: "The day of my brother's wedding. She can alphabetize your bony @$$ with a sideways glance of her laser eyes. '####. She's had too much to drink. Steve gives the summary: "And for SOME ####### REASON." (Okay.) "I guess you heard how it turned out.(WHUD) "Make that TWO of whatever he was drinking. uh. blusher. but that would require a couple new piercings." (snrk – Sorry. wanna go dancing this Friday?" (Whoa.. "Yeah." [the " close-up of the hands by the crotch" frame] (pause) "Anyway. But you're such a nice guy… (Well. I used to have some secret.. See you Monday?" "Sure. Marten. lil' bird." Steve: "What's MY future?" "Butts. no more violence. And it'll be fine.. but why?) I saw a rat when I was there. Faye tries to take Elliot down – "Umf yer not gonna ergh beat up my FRIEND hrnngh") (Sorry about her. girl!'" 2052 2053 2054 2055 2056 2057 . interesting." Marten: "I don't know how to dance!" (pause) GIBBS SLAP! 1771 Redux – except.. I have to remain symmetrical." (Meanwhile.) "I do lag a cerdain grabitas ad the mobent. right? Ever since I was fourteen. I have SECRET WINE. I do feel better getting it off my chest.." Padma: "Okay." (Faye reacts by tossing the customer a bag of Beans of DOOM) "No thanks. DJ Sqeekz.. I'm cool." And? "I said I loved him too. if she's causing you too much trouble." Faye: SECRET WINE TIME! Tai: WOO Hanners: YELLING. blushing. I'm sorry. Faye and Hannelore on the couch ("Either one of you lays a finger on me and they won't even find your BONES. Unshelved): Tai contemplates becoming a Librarian to Marten. this might be really loud."] Angus: "I'm going down to New York for work. gonna get one more drink then meet you in there. "You don't seem douchey enough to be a musician..' She spent two hours chasing me with a shoe. aren't I. Cover your ears.. I promise. well. (Butts?) All I'm getting is 'butts'. I'm used to baker's hours.

Raven: "Oh noes!" "I'm just gonna live n the moment and enjoy it while it lasts." "Haha. uh. he is so screwed.... See you then. But deep down." Yelling Bird gets Butts Disease! "Wow." [Meanwhile. here comes Rodney. no bangin' Save myself some feelings later on." "I do! But I also think it's fascinating that they could be up to ANYTHING.] .. anyway. Second. . All right. fine?" (That's good. "Woohoo!" "Oh wait. (I've pulled allnighters before.. Don't make eye contact...) Must be. BREATHE!) Marigold: "S'not that incredible..) "I'm definitely at sea. We've been dreaming of that for like a hundred years!." (blush) "Well. what if the main reason I love him is that it means I'm not alone? Is that enough?" [ No punch line. it was. mister gentleman." Why so into AnthroPC's? "The implications of humans and AI's coexisting are mind boggling!" (Momo: There is still war because we are not all powerful. Clinton: "But that leads to COMPLACENCY!.) Hanners: "Omigosh your hair!" Marigold notices something else about Faye." Technology is advancing so fast these days. Love. 2071 2072 2073 2074 2075 2076 2077 2078 2079 2080 2081 2082 Gary.. and what happens when you call her and she's like. our years-long struggle to attain even the most basic civil rights is all a smokescreen for our sinister plan to turn you all into nutrient soup for our bio-droids. and changing so much. It encourages you to be a better person yourself. "High five!" "I wasn't going to punch you! I wanted to congratulate you for. he can stand up to me. I was thinking.2058 2059 2060 2061 2062 2063 2064 2065 2066 2067 2068 2069 2070 "Thanks for walking me home. depression sets in. Gary be thy name. A little. You know how I am. Awesome. Poindexter.) "ah.) BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS (I hate Rodney. I even joked to her that she should hook up with you! But she said she didn't want to get involved with anyone before she left...'" Hanners: "Orville Wright certainly couldn't.." "I'm trouble? You're the one who's trouble. that IS impressive!" [And stupid looking guy in first panel looks sad – or is an author avatar?] "Sorry for springing the L-word on you right as I was leaving. he's smart. though.. And I love him." (Either it was a waking dream or he lost them on the way over.. you're not wearing any pants. I heard he's not even a real turkey. (Nah." "I'll. if she kept you up all night. For all you know... havin' a good time. bootstrapped itself to ominiscience?) Momo: "I am fairly certain that an omniscient artificial intelligence would not choose to go by the name 'Gary'... uh. maybe put some pants on.. He LOVES me." (A Faye-hawk?) "At least your salvage effort was a success.. CIA social engineering experiment? Technology demonstration? Elaborate prank? Secret military AI broke loose. ON EARTH AS IT IS IN GARY] ".... no. 'Hello. I meant it when I said I loved you too. No makeouts. you're supposed to be helping me feel better. If we ever invent it." Steve: "Dude you're getting WAY ahead of yourself." Creepy Clinton meets Hanners. "H-hey Elliot. 'I had fun. "Padma! :D" "Hey. too. Why would I say that if it weren't true? (I – I dunno.." "No. and that was good." Marigold: "I think his other shoe is on top of Town Hall. Needed some time off to clear my head. "WHOA. I think I can move on. (You did?) I'm happy for you guys! (You are?) Of course! Why wouldn't I be? (You had a thing for her for so long.. she's leaving. getting together with Padma. (Marten heads out) Oh. I'll keep an eye on your stuff... Padma was over.... I tried to chestbump you when you told me.) "It smells amazing. Cool. So I guess we're in the same boat. she's pretty nice.. But I did mean it retrospectively!" "Good enough. Momo's reading Applied Robotics – with a centerfold!] Marten thoughts: Okay you know what. big. this is great! Way to use the ol' willpower..." Hanners: "This is why people scare me more than robots. I'm just curious about your new lady." [Jeph: I predict that our robot overlords will want nothing whatsoever to do with us.. and my lease isn't actually up for a while.] The Gary Phenomenon! "At 1AM on January 1st.. uh. that'd be pretty cool. And I was trying to pin down WHY I love him.." Clinton: "Not if you want to GET to them someday." "Makeouts!" "Leaving. (It's either "like it" or spend the next two months weeping.. this was a one-time fling." Marten: "I KNOW" Pintsize (with the Arbor Day banner and confetti) "HOORAY!" Startled Hannelore: "AUGH" "And now I can't decide whether to be happy about it or bummed out she's leaving." [THY GARY COME. "What?" "Nice dork glasses.." Marten goes thru his contacts list. Now go home and get some shuteye. yeah. "I'm not gonna bite your head off because you're kissing some other girl now.. that's kinda what happened. deal. He's funny.. Who makes apple-cinnamon hair product and where can I buy some?" [Dora in "sexual harassment mode"?] "It's not hair product." (And in four panels." Faye: "You're an idiot. He would have crashed!" Hannerdad calls it "innovation fatigue.. Clinton. you're trouble." [SPECIALS: bone marrow scones. I better stop and consider the DEEP PHILOSOPHICAL IMPLICATIONS. maybe I could stick around a couple weeks longer.. One night of fun before she leaves town." (How do you know I was – ) [Points down at Marten's lack of pants – and striped boxers!] #### IT Marten explains the situation." It's like. Even computers that weren't connected to the internet at the time received the message." (Momo: "Yes. I was makin' a pie to cheer myself up and it kinda got away from em too. "Something wrong?" "Angus loves me. What's up?" (Just out for a walk. world! Thanks for creating me. the first thing an AI will do is bootstrap itself to omnipotence and then light out for the Kuiper Belt." "Hey.) No. 1997...) And who should Marten run into.. Go home and go to bed. first of all. When the Wright brothers invented the airplane I doubt everyone in the world was like." (Both." "Thanks." "Your awful morning is my delightful afternoon narm narm narm narm" OMG Turkeys 2011! (Marten movin' back to Cali? Uh oh." (click) "$#!+!" Faye arrives at work. no you. you're not actually scheduled to work today.." Marten returns home – to a pensive Faye on the couch. My grandma's doing okay." Marigold: "You can look at the stars and say 'they sure are pretty' without having to calculate how many light-years away each one is.. "Omigod your HAIR!" "I was tryin' to trim it this morning and it kinda got away from me.. you are. every email account in existence got a message saying..") Marigold: "Can I be a bio-droid? That sounds cool. Marigold and Momo! "Is that an Idoru Platinum Deluxe? (Clueless Clinton forges ahead) The dermal covering is so LIFELIKE! (Momo charging sequence ACTIVATED!) And they finally got the myomer elasticity right! It really does feel like organic –" ZAP! "Was I being creepy?" Hanners: "Yes. Yeah.) "So..... THY GARY BE DONE.. I'd love to. We did talk on the phone yesterday though. but maybe that's just what you want us to think!" Hanners: "I thought you LIKED AI's. huh.. that the average person has to treat it as perfectly normal or they'll be overwhelmed.." Hanners: "It took years of therapy before I could look up at night without having a panic attack. and there's no way for us to know for sure. you're not.. You want a matching pair?" (Hanners taken aback!) Angus returns! "You cut your hair!" "It turns into a ridiculous cockatoo pompadour in my sleep. give you a call tomorrow?" "Sure.. Marten! Padma: "C'mere." Clinton: "Exactly! The AI chose that name to keep people from worshipping it!" Hanners: "Our Gary who art in somewhere. What do you think?" OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST! GRAMMY AWARD WINNER! FIRST MAN ON MARS! TIME MAGAZINE MAN OF THE YEAR! "Yeah." "I spent the whole weekend wondering if you just blurted it out 'cause I put you on the spot. Padma?. Also.)" BAP! "You ought to expect better of people.) Okay. What's she like? Is she nice? (She's. Did I freak you out?" "No! Yes.. bone marrow latte." Clinton: "I'll happily operate the soupifier if I can be on your guys' side.) Lucky you." (WELP) [Sweet-Tits in the background in panel three!] "I said. Just hangin' out.. did you get ANY sleep last night? (Not really.. so. how's Padma been?) "Uh. So we've got computers that can talk to us and think and stuff. y'know?" Dora (meaningful eye roll) "Right..) I told you I was over it." "BOOBS!" "Leaving. I'm just gonna play this friend-style... but I think we should leave it at that'?" "####it Steve. BONE MARROW] Elliot! Bro fist of DOOOOMM.. I'm good...." "I love you so much. this is goin' good so far.We're in the middle of the most fundamental change in all of human history and the vast majority of people are going about their daily lives like was wonderful. I haven't actually seen her in a few days.." Raven: "For the next couple weeks." (BREATHE. to themselves: I'm in trouble. (Hair raising!) Wow. yeah.) Dora heard about Marten's "new lady". but you got all weird about it.. y'know?" "I'm gonna see her again! I told her I'd call her tomorrow!" "Yeah.'" (What was it? Nobody really knows.

... So. "Hey. was THAT a waste. but I'm PRETTY SURE she's not a secret robot. Anyway. RANDY! (That's it.. If she wants to see me again.. It's been a while. Faye) I'm serious! Like. I –" (It IS a waste. Faye: "I thought you were goin' out with Padma tonight.. I'm sorry for how it turned out. "I have a question for you guys..." Marigold: "Gross. SOPA/PIPA nearly took our webcomic. (I think those are in a slightly different league than your situation. there.) "Right" (Anyway." (Pass 'em over. I am busy.... Well. I'm going. but dad also said I could bring some friends with me if I wanted.. I'll see you.. you're never gonna be happy if you go through life just letting things happen to you.. Good morning. I hope you get to make out with a hot scientist chick in zero gravity.. I was wondering if." Marten: "Actually. I know it's really short notice. I'm just worried I did something wrong." "Wow. YES 2106 2107 2108 . it's cool. at the library." [Flashback to somewhere in the desert: "EITHER THIS IS THE BEST VIRTUAL PEYOTE I'VE EVER HAD OR YOU REALLY ARE A TALKING CACTUS" McPedro (from Girls With Slingshots): "Ach. Padma's been gone less than a week..." (Why the hell did you do that?!) "I dunno. And you didn't do anything about it.. and it's a big trip. Maybe I'm just looking for problems where there aren't any. (flashback to the FRRRRT incident) I'll get a sample just in case.) "Dude. It didn't matter WHY you loved them.. huh?" Marten & Marigold are suitably impressed by the ship's interior (think Boeing 777 Superliner 1st Class). RING! "Hey. "After all. you just owned me pretty hard. FAYE Tai has something for Momo! "Ta da! Your very first paycheck!" Surprise! Shaking! RIP "AAA! AAAAAAA!!!" "It's okay! It's okay! I can just print another!" Angus: ".) (long." Momo: "I received my first paycheck! So I bought myself some new clothes. You gotta DO stuff. BE DECENT?.) "Why am I the @$$#0|3 here? She's the one who left me hanging!" "(. someone went shopping...) "What was I supposed to do?" (I dunno. I mean. "What? No! Stop that! Go away!" Marten thinking of Padma! Around town.Are you happy that you're with ANGUS... those are mine. um. we created them... No. I wasn't thinking." FLOP onto couch. "RACE YOU") YELLING BIRD & SWEETTITS INTERLUDE: Randy: "I can get us all off this island! Just hold on to my paw! EMBRACE ETERNITY. maybe?) Faye: "She STILL hasn't called you back? It's been like a week!" (I left her a couple messages. when I'm not totally second-guessing myself. Please? (pause) I KNOW Marten's safe..Yeah. See. but I was – I was hoping maybe you could" (spraying of the cookie crumbs!) "Hey Tai.) "She was LEAVING. I guess I'm just an @$$#0|3 or something." (. at home.) "You're being too passive 2099 2100 2101 2102 2103 2104 2105 about this.) Cookie-time! "Cookie time is cancelled. you know?. I'll help.] Pintsize expresses his condolences: "I just wanted to offer my condolences for the whole Padma thing. or. Marigold!" Mar: "I thought you were gonna use your money to pay me back for that chassis. anyway?" Pintsize: "Mexico again." I LOVE HUMANITY SO MUCH (I am trying to catch Entei) YELLING BIRD & SWEETTITS INTERLUDE: On the beach of a deserted island? YELLING BIRD & SWEETTITS INTERLUDE: Last thing she remembered was kidnapping that Japanese businessman. you're still tired? Haha. can I take a few days off next week?" (Sure." (I know." "But if you don't love them for the right reason. actually.. "Oh.And that's why I was sleepin' on the couch..... some other time then." (R-right." How come? "We were short an egg." "I think you mean passive aggressive. but she hasn't responded. okay. and Marten has NO IDEA. uh. and a copy of Ika Hime Harem Fighter 3 for you. Packing and stuff.) "I dunno.." Choo-Choo Bear (from Something Positive): "murrrrrrrrrrr" [Meanwhile.. well. I think it's Angus specifically. I'm leaving tomorrow. because you're WASTING it. meaningful pause) "Yeah. and I'd like to see you one last time. I only saw a third of the movie and he had to sleep on the couch." THANKS. then Marten does something – he picks up his guitar." (Sorry..) "Damn. FOREBODE FOREBODE descendeth.'." Marten & Marigold come over (Marigold brought cookies – Cookie Master!)." THE NEIGHBORS ARE CATAMITES "Why couldn't I have met you a year ago?" "Hahah. even though I KNOW you had feelings for her.) "Have a safe trip. I mean..) "Zero-G makeouts WOULD be pretty fun.." (Then you're fine. something. or murders.. it's my dad's birthday next week. American consumerism. so Marigold went to the store.) "Apparently not. And if you don't know what you WANNA do. I feel like there is. and look how well THAT worked out for me." ('Night." [BUTTS DISEASE on the FRIDGE! The cookie stash moved to the cupboard!] "What would be a 'wrong reason' to love someone?" Both racist in the same way.. disarming Pintsize's bomb (dat @$$!). Said she was 'feeling down' and 'wouldn't be any fun to hang out with. ye've been makin' tha' same joke for twelve hours now..) CLICK.2083 2084 2085 2086 2087 2088 2089 2090 2091 2092 2093 2094 2095 2096 2097 2098 Marten: "Is there really a right or wrong reason to love someone?" Faye: "I don't know."(@PizzazHaderach cameo!) ". Marig-" DOES IT TURN INTO A MECHA ARE THERE LASERS CAN I SHOOT THE LASERS "Sorry. "Why the f*** did I just do that?" ". you gotta try a bunch of different things or you'll never find out. last week I accidentally drank some expired milk before I went out with Angus. but I told her I was busy..." RING. Padma. you probably wouldn't have liked me.. As for Marigold. no. playing guitar. (pause – with the look of death from Faye) Aren't you going to disagree – " (You are an @$$#0|3. Boy. she'll call.. I don't wanna make it awkward." (No." (I'm not gonna be the creepy dude who follows a girl to work. Friday sounds good. I was way whinier then. it would be so nice to have them along. "Are you nervous.) Momo does some reading on AI rights.] Dad's calling! (to the ringtone "What A Fool Believes"?) "Hi dad! What's up?. See you then." (..." "I always thought just loving someone was enough. It wouldn't have done any good." (I thought she was stickin' around a while longer. Have fun.) YELLING BIRD & SWEETTITS INTERLUDE: A bottle of Hobo Juice contains. I can't justify eating this entire bag of cookies... Where's the pilot? "I am a fully sentient AI and do not require a human pilot.and she got too embarrassed and ran out. (Thanks..." Marten: "She cancelled. You're finally letting them throw you a birthday party? That will be so much fun! (pause) Can I bring Marten and Marigold? They're my best friends. or would ANYBODY make you feel like you're not alone?) (Munch and pause) "I. and a new pair of work shoes." "Don't worry about it... You go on without me.) [Pause. The least we could do is invite them to the party.. what's wrong now?) "Now that I feel better. She probably just has the $#!+$. sorry.Oh. I call Ika Hime!" "I will play as Bosom Sultan!" (I feel like this is a metaphor for something. it might not last. or cults.. okay. um.. Go over there and ask her what's up. where have you been all this time. hijacking the aircraft carrier. He's being AGGRESSIVELY passive.. I'm going to bed.. I've been busy. and perhaps offer them some champagne.. Nighty night." (Maybe not. It's become something of an annual tradition for my friends and I. are you busy tonight? I'm. or are we? "You've been home the whole time! I forgot to tell you! Bandicoot Teleportation can cause terrifying hallucinations!" (and the pile of skulls? "Oh." (Yeah. and everybody's throwing him a big party up on the station.) Pensive Marten is pensive: "I don't know why I'm so passive about everything. O-oh.) Dora: "Have you tried going over to the bakery and asking her?" (No. She called last night and wanted to see me.." (I'll get the smelling salts in case you pass out. Their racist murdercult." Marten: "You too.She pushed you away 'cause she was getting feelings for you... I even have a blood sample to prove it." (And that made things 100x worse.) "I've tried before.Padma left today. too.. sorry. but then at least you could say you TRIED.. Bye. the government made dad take the lasers out." (pause for a moment of angst) "Whatever. Welcome home! I'm Randy!" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA YELLING BIRD & SWEETTITS INTERLUDE: Slaves to a demon bandicoot for the rest of eternity.. Yeah.) Faye: "It's like he's taken passivity to the next level. all THAT got you was your entire current life... you just. wait. trying to suffocate the president – and SOMEone couldn't fly the space shuttle! (I am never drinking tequila again." Faye: "It's your nature." (. what's up?. what's up?) "Hannelore invited me up to her dad's space station for his birthday party." BOOOOM! Face down on the couch.) "No it isn't." (YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO SUBDIVIDE) Marty calls Padma. right?) The Spaceship! Ellicott Chatham Industries EC101! "There's our ride!" Whoa.. But nature or not.. of course. as long as you did." (What?! No fair1 I wanna go to space!) "W-well.... I'm throwing myself into the volcano.

. I have taken the liberty of transferring 0. (pause) Wanna see pictures? I have a photo album!" "Dad? Dad? Hellooooo! (The Space Station storage room. Can't rely on it for EVERYTHING...' twice for 'apology accepted. Potter's Facebook page – of her USAF Academy Graduation Party!) God #### it Station" (I'm sorry. you know. That'd be good.. Potter is back in her quarters [AIM HIGH OR ELSE poster!] – and is NOT happy: "Friggin @$$#0|& AI. You can't get much more primitive than that. do we put on suits or helmets or anything?" (Nope! Just sit back and enjoy the ride! You're not NERVOUS.. I'd spend days adjusting the bed sheets. PEOPLE?") There are 128 researchers. put on some pants?) (NSFW) "So. yes. Or email. Bernadette Case: "Oh.. even though Station never let any dust build up.. I've always said if I gotta die. of course!). There is virtually no danger involved in our transatmospheric ascent. yeah. Last time I flew across the country I was stopped up for like three days." (Magical unraveling hair bun: Wh-what?) "You now possess holdings in EC-Tec worth approximately US$4. please. Marigold doesn't share their excitement: "Ulllllllp" AI: "You humans and your faulty plumbing take all the glamour out of space travel. I can manifest a holographic avatar." (They have these things called phones... digestive problems. Hannelore. And you better mean it." (Marten tries to rap: "Science Daddy Science Daddy can't you see.) "Okay.. security and support personnel onboard. Trying to dig it out.) "The medicine thing is more of a hobby. without you here to talk to. um." Null-G maneuvers for Marten and Hanners! "This is amazing!" "Whee!" Unfortunately. sometimes your research just hypnotizes me"." "Can I have the top bunk? Please?" ("Yeah. uh. Ms. or Twitter.. Mr.) "I'm sorry.) Just come along quietly.) "Which is why if you'd let them install the intracranial communications-" NO. Farmer.6 million. Potter." (The doc's kid put you up to this. even if I'm on Earth!) "How? You refused to allow Dr." "Were you looking for something?" "My MP3 player. is there something in my backpack? I didn't bring anything bad. my regret is sincere nonetheless. we're actually in SPACE. never gonna live this down. I guarantee that neither Mr." (Hello. I can't hear you.." (You know you can talk to me whenever you want.." (Please forgive the intrusion. Lost it in this pile of junk. great." Marten: "You use an MP3 player? Why not just have the AI play music?" "The AI already runs station orbital trajectory." "(Some apology. that's how I wanna go. Farmer? Please – what? (Marigold is looking above her head.76% of my shares in Ellicott-Chatham Technologies to your control." [Dr. fine. Farmer. Why don't you go fu-) "To demonstrate my sincerity. "We just have to go up to the hub bridge.. But the Major will chew ME out if WE don't check 'em over. Pleased to meet you." (Marten: "You're named Station. yes! John Ellicott! Or Ellicott-Chatham.) Hanners: "You too?!" The EC101 in spaaaaaaaaaace! "Holy $#!+. if something should go catastrophically wrong. Case to install the intracranial communications unit.) Angry Hanners is angry! "That was awful. Ms. or worrying about dust bunnies under the bed. she's probably just looking for the ladies' room. Case works with LASERS. Potter?) The hell do you want?" "I wanted to apologize for my horrid behavior. Station! She was only trying to do her job! (It was just a joke. and then we'll be in the spinning section and you won't feel weightless anymore. I know. You know how obsessive I am about cleanliness? I was WAY worse when I was little. but they tend to get wrapped up in their duties. you would have less than a second of terror before being incinerated.. I mean... I'm glad you could make it.In the bathroom?" Marten: "For six hours?" Marigold can't keep a secret: "I was watching anime and eating cookies with the head of security!" (Hanners and Marten do not believe this) "Dr.. Case? Marigold is having.." (Hair COMPLETELY unraveled) "Blink once for 'go #### yourself. KA-THOOOOOM! Faye and Dora are pinned down behind the counter! Faye: "Running low on ammo!" Dora (in full wedding gown with grenade launcher) "Why did you give him espresso?! I told you not to give him espresso!" Eschaton PINTSIZE! " NOW ENDS THE AGE OF MAN" .. no! You still have all your – " berf (faceplant into the top of hub) " – mass. power.." (Right now you're talking to me by making pressure waves in the air that vibrate a membrane in my head.") Ah.2109 2110 2111 2112 2113 2114 2115 2116 2117 Miss Ellicott-Chatham.) It wasn't funny.. and the names just stuck. and a bent-over Hannerdad!) Dad? Hey! Dad!" "Oh! Hannelore! Hello! Good to see you! (introductions) Ah. (Well. ma'am!) poof! (Fluttershy!) Marigold: "oh my god" Dr." (Good) "Are you still angry with me?" (No..And so if gravity waves can be transmitted across branes. Ms. Herp" SPLAT! Glasses go flying! "Maybe you'd be better off strapped in." Marigold: "Yes. Please don't make it more of a pain than it already is. and while I must admit that my contrition is largely due to her being angry with me. at that. (B-but." YOU CAN HAVE THE STUPID TOP BUNK AI: "Hannelore? Are you decent? May I have permission to apparate?" Hanners in blue Granny nightie (and her eReader): "Yes.) "Ugh. Some days I'd just have constant panic attacks and scream 2118 2119 2120 2121 2122 2123 2124 2125 2126 until I passed out.) Don't apologize to me..Bonercat? Security director: "Please keep this a secret. (Hello Station!) Mr. and introduce you to some of them as we go. It's not nice..) "There we go. Hard@$$?) Her backpack! "Is. practicing medicine is fun and all." "Miss Farmer." (Marten: "Race you there!") "Marten." The Station Holo-AI! "Hello Hannelore." "I called my dad 'Science Daddy' until I was 17. Magical Love Gentleman! And her box of Girl Scout Tagalongs! "Can we share?" FILLER: Holopony. It was CRUEL." (Marten: Uh.. Lots of Solar interference all of a sudden.. I can take you on a tour. we're not sleepin' in zero-g?" Hanners: "Sleeping in zero gravity isn't actually very comfortable. It just gets so DULL up here sometimes. maintenance. or. poof! (pause) "And give Marigold a holo-pony!" (Yes." (Lt." The Space Station! (Large Solar array. minimal. didn't she. comms. sure"." "Yeah. You have to be strapped in. Hannelore has said nothing but good things. I can scan down to the molecular level.) "Station. really. if you say so-) Now. we could see data from an entirely different UNIVERSE!" (Read it in an Alastair Reynolds novel. (I. sure. where'd Marigold go?" Hanners: "Oh. Thankfully. spinning wheel and central docking hub) Hanners: "There it is!" Marten: "Whooooaaaaaaaa (pause as they watch it slowly pass them by) Uh. Station.." "I apologized to Lt." (Marigold: "CAN I SEE YOUR LASERS") Hannelore's room! Marigold makes the same observation as Marten (527): "It's really. and data processing. Holo-Elephant and Holo. Farmer have any – " [Space Cake at the Cafeteria!] "I know. I'm sorry. I believe she has forgiven me. (D-did I do something wrong?) Come with me. never shoulda put those pictures on Facebook. Spaceship!) "If it would make you more comfortable. uh. How is this?" (Could you. Reed. THAT is always risky. "That's what we should tell 'em . go apologize to Lt." (Y-yes. And a rather funny one. Have a seat. I promise. the shuttle AI was named Spaceship. Reed nor Ms. Ergh. Commence the pat downs and purse searches. (Lt.) Security grunt: "Ms Farmer? Our head of security would like to have a word with you.. you look so much HEALTHIER! Living on Earth's been good for you. And those were my FUNCTIONAL days. Ellicott is shorter than Hanners] Lt. I hate MC Hammer." Marigold loves the sleeping quarters: "Bunkbeds! I never had bunkbeds!" Marten: "Aw. Hanners: "See you tomorrow!") Marigold discovers the reason why she never had bunkbeds (besides being an only child?): "Umf. Reed. (Marigold: "Aren't there any..'" Catching up with daddy: ". um. Marigold: "Ugh." Marten: "Wait." (Dr. I – I swear!" He pulls out. Hannelore went through a descriptivist phase when she was seven." (No! I'm fine! Really!) Marten: "Don't be embarrassed. and attempt some recompense." (Oh. atmosphere. I'm starting to notice a pattern.) "Yes." AI: "Do not worry. Never been sure which it is.. RE-entering the atmosphere. But you've got to stop playing tricks on people like that... The US military has a security presence on board and takes their duties rather more seriously than they ought.") The security contingent arrives! "Dammit Station. sensors.." Hanners: "Bad Spaceship!" Docking completed! Marigold has a Transderm Scop (scopolamine) Motion Sickness patch for her issues. Potter. since the divorce. at a picture from Lt." (Fine. I'm just trying to do my job. you may. sir!" Hannelore: "Marigold! Where have you been?! We've been looking all over for you!" "In. or the curtains. but compared to LASERS? No contest. Such primitive technology. were we supposed to pass it?" AI: "Just one more orbit. are you?) "Mmaybe a little. She's also the station physician. uh. you aren't supposed to let them pass the docking bay without a security check!" Station: "Lieutenant Potter.

[Strap-down bed] Her parents seriously considered having her institutionalized. it's going to be a very casual thing. 1 part lemon juice." Dr.And things like that." "So do we have to.. Station: ""Lt. Case: "Now I'm going to toss this apple into the path of the laser! Observe the reactions!" THIS IS THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE Lt." Marten: "You better be!" Marigold hides behind Dr. How did she go from that to living on her own?) As she got older." "It's bound to work EVENTUALLY." "I have to say. Conveniently. pens and ruler flying from his pocket) "Whatcha doin'?" "Oh. you got this ALL screwed up. Phobic of just about everything. an earth-tone patchwork tapestry of autumn's end. you're off by an order of magnitude. yeah." "Station! They KNOW! (Acknowlg'd.. anyway?" Hannelore knows this one: "You're fifty-six!" FIFTY SIX?! "Good lord. rather than bemoaned. You have my word that it will never 2133 2134 2135 2136 2137 happen again.. wake up. Couldn't bear to be in the physical presence of people. dad! Happy birthday! Are you excited for your party tonight?" "Birthday? Party?" "Don't tell me you forgot!" (holding his forehead in classic Absent-minded Professor manner) "Why." Glasses-and-turtleneck (Velma???) "Really? All I'm getting is 'the sudden and irrvevocable realization that grandma is kind of racist'. I left my tuxedo at home. this is no time for a party! I've got so much to accomplish before I die!" (dashes off." [3] "Calm DOWN. Like. Didn't you read the textbook?" "I gave up around where they introduced Irrational Birthday Integers. Case is shocked: "You're even wearing lipstick! I can't believe that doesn't bother you!" (Marigold." The Grand Room! [Way too much going on in the first scene to adequately describe. singing? (The Singing Scientists!) Wake up. stir and pour over ice – regret your decision." (Dora's a bit incredulous) Pintsize: "Why can't I wear the wedding dress?!" Marten is woken by. I think so? I mean. In the meantime. [Sad little Hanners] She spent a lot of time physically restrained. right?" Marten: "Yeah. go get me a bottle of something. and that was that. good morning! Sleep well? Hannelore will be out shortly." "Yeah." (Marigold. I can have Station print out a basic textbook and some supplementary tables.. that's what our marketing department would have you believe." (Marigold: "Space ham?") Dad: "Is Hannelore happy?" (Wideeyed Marten is wide eyed!) "Well." Dr. Potter? The EC-Tech shares I transferred to your control have been returned to my account. uh. it's remarkable how she's changed. uh." Marten: "Is STATION drunk?" Hanners (a little edgy) "How is that even possible?" "EMULATION! An' don' worry. they were public pictures on my Facebook. but Station was the only one who could get through to her at all. Potter. I don't know if you can quantify happiness like –" "Ah. I gave 'em back. eyes rolled: "Marigold thinks Station gave you a cybernetic implant to help with your. It was like she was possessed. this beverage evokes emotion instead of flavor!" Light-haired scientist (Fred?) "Fallen leaves pasted to the street by rain.") Station: "PROBABLY NOT" Potter: "WOO" Marigold: "And then the laser was like NYEEOWWW and the apple was like ZORP" Dr." "Well. . but even the suggestion would send her into fits.] Marigold (as they look on from the staircase balcony) "Wow." "You have a tuxedo?!" "Wait. with a full plate and a slice in her mouth: "Spathe ham!") Hannerdad: "No. 'M off doody. 2 parts seltzer." VRRRRRRRR (dejected HKD) "Aw man. and she started to engage with the world more.." (I." Dr. and sedate her to get her to sleep.. I." (It strikes me that such resolve ought to be celebrated." (Pensive Hanenrs) "It IS hard sometimes. dress up for your dad's party or anything?" (Hanners "feeds" trashbot) "No. I've never been happier in my whole life!" "Th-that's good!" (Hanners looks down at the clipboard Marten was using) "Wow.. calculations. I want a promise that you won't pull that sort of $#!+ ever again..) Marten & Hanners in the null-grav "gym": "Man.. I had no idea zero-g badminton would be so. Case: ". but I don't want there to be even the slightest notion that any amount of money is an excuse for that kind of behavior. we were headed to her room now.. We're doing things here that are decades ahead of their time." "FournierGoldman Happiness Transforms? I didn't know you knew these. It still produces too much CO2. That much happiness would kill a person. think of the skin of this cocktail weenie as the cell membrane. you're unfamiliar with Fournier-Goldman Happiness Units? Hang on. (Jesus. am I correct? You've known her the longest since she moved back down to Earth?" Marten: "Uh." Marigold: "Maybe Station put some kinda cyborg implant in her brain that made her less crazy!" "Marigold." "Okay." Older "bartender" scientist: "So by using these new compounds." Killer Death Bot in top hat and bow tie! "May I take your drink orders?" Marten: "I'll have a double racist-grandma on the rocks. just some.." "It is. she seems happy to me. we never get to kill ANYbody. it does feel like we're part of something special. that's a lot of scientists. I had no idea of the ramifications of my behavior. good morning! It's time for you to leave your beds! Get up. then: VRRRRRRRR "Somebody cal for a pack of merciless hunter-killer droids?" Hanners: "False alarm." (Wide eyed Marten: "We are all going to die. I hope the space ham didn't upset her stomach. Her room was effective a one-person psychiatric ward. And the panic attacks. Releasin' hunter killer drois.." "That's good. too! There are so many things to do! So get up! Let's go! Good morning! And a very pleasant day tooo youuuuu! Marten: "Do you wake everybody up like this?" Male Singing Scientist: "No." Dr.. Got alla the cri'cal sysms runnin' on an autonomonous subsysm.) "Apology accepted. I suppose I did!" (uncertain) "How old am I now. I just felt like getting a little fancy. Case (to Marten): "Hannelore said she'd be ready soon." Marten: "Has that actually happened before?" Hannelore walks in on them: "Good morning. We'd have to force-feed her to get her to eat." "It's quite a workout!" Out-of-uniform Potter holding up a bottle of "something": "HERE'S TO PRINCIPLE!" Empathetic Station! "TO PRINCIPLE!" Hanners: "Lt. and I know you get to play fast and loose with the rules around here but I'm SURE you would've been in some $#!+ THEN. you're my daughter's closest friend. strenuous." Dad (holding iPad with expectation): "Exactly HOW happy. Potter is cleaning her gun. Case: "And all geniuses in their own right." [2] "That's no good.. Lt. It was the only way to keep her from hurting herself.) (pause) .. what you did was sexual harassment. most people lock their doors. We went through dozens of dedicated therapists. would you say?" "I.. Now." [Jeph points out that those are both real mixed drinks.. Case. I need to take my mind off the fact I just threw away five million dollars on principle. trying to show me how to calculate how happy you were. that's one of the more popular theories.Just kidding. no. I don't think-" "Actually." (Marigold: RARHGLFHRHGL) M & M meet HannerDad at the commissary! "Ah.. no." (Why?) "Station. but this is my ####in' WORK ENVIRONMENT." "Oh dear. Still. Yeah. This station is the greatest collection of brilliant minds in human history (Marten: "Really?") Well. But I have you and Marigold and everybody else to help me out! And that more than makes up for the hard parts. and obsessive about everything else.." Female redhead Singing Scientist: "Or throw things. breakfast?" (Marten has a seat) "So. alcohol is commonly used for that purpose as well. We have space ham! Science! Research! Spacewalks. I am sorry. good Lord. Someone else could've been TRAUMATIZED.. uh.. Double-racist Grandma is 2 parts whiskey. (tapping on clipboard) what if we tried using silver nanoparticles as an epoxidation catalyst?" "You ALWAYS suggest that.") "The what?" Marten. Potter! Are you INTOXICATED?" "S'okay. get dressed.. sorry." Hannelore rockin' the little black dress – and black lipstick! Marten: "I thought you said this was a casual party. You're lucky that all I want is an apology. 2 healthy dashes of bitters. (Oh yeah?) She was an absolute mess when she was younger.] Scenes from a Science "Mixer" party: [1] ".." "How happy I am?" "Yeah." "I don't. like. her behavior gradually improved. Your dad was. where's Marigold? She disappeared again.2127 2128 2129 2130 2131 2132 they missed while they were gone. get moving! We've got no time for sleepyheads! Take a shower! Brush your teeth! Come and get something to eat! Tasty pastries! Delicious jams! If you're not vegetarians. One day I heard she had decided to move down to Earth.But if the TM proteins are depleted in the simple model-" "Then the Lo phase isn't going to be the same as in membranes that selectively include the TM proteins.. And I don't think it was your intention. uh mental problems. living down on Earth and stuff. aside: "Maybe it's the implant. (softening) So I don't want your money. I guess so.

Everyone else is D'awwWWWWWWWW. everything is going to go right for you. a poet said it best: Let me see you get low you scared you.2138 2139 2140 2141 2142 2143 2144 2145 2146 Leon!" "YOU COULDN'T READ THE SPECTRA RIGHT IF YOU HAD IT TATTOOED ON YER RETINAS" "YEAH WELL I READ YOUR MOM'S SPECTRA LAST NIGHT" "NGC-2041A isn't worth fighting over!" (Little Hakase scentist is tenacious!) Marten: "I have no idea how to talk to any of these people. playing on her DS) "That." Drunk Scientist Joke: ". Marten." Shocked 2147 2148 2149 Hannerdad is SHOCKED. is Ms. I assumed she brought you up here for a lil' zero-g hankypanky. it's not all it's cracked up to be. Wanna go to sleep.. that's definitely not me. Potter) #### YEAH HUG THE $#!+ OUT OF HIM [Jeph: Lt." "Well. I feel you..' huh." "Oh. What does Pokemon have to do with spacetime tensor fields?" "I think we're about to find out..So that was that." (pulls him close.. y'know?" (She pushes him away – a little bit) "No offense. y'know? I want a man who can bench press me one handed. And write that email!" "'re seriously mad at me? That's the most stereotypical. (realization) "You fell in?" "I fell in." "Wh. showing a rather nasty gouge) "Jeez." (Lt. I get to do it in SPACE. if you want to –" (No. it's just.... baby." (hugging her) "Oh." (You bloody skeptics are no fun at all." (Marten retells the story of his "relationship" with Padma ) "..." She passes him the Space Hooch) "So. it's.. Can't complain about THAT.. but I was fiddling with your DS and it glitched out.. and starts the email) To: Padma_Pants Cc/Bcc: Subject: Hi Hi Padma.." Singing scientist gal doesn't care for the whisky. then at a smiling Marten.... really." (I'm such an IDIOT. if a poet said it. wipe. he told me what happened...Will there be cake?) "There's cake right now. I feel like I'm better off moving forward." (I'm gonna break my tailbone AGAIN) Back to the party (little Hakase professor on the side!) "Um." "W-well. ma'am.." (Dad looks at her.) "Drat. I was wondering. That must have been horrible. KISSSSSS then) HLURRRL "Oh jeez oh jeez" (pause.." (Marten leans over towards Lt. I'm sure that's really cool. You bump into things too much.) He's outside. no big deal. don't cry!" "I.. eh?" DOONT YARR. true.. Potter. I usually put it down. I'm so sorry. Potter is an old pro at launching herself upwards) Marten: "You turned down all that money?" "Meh. when: (Station: "Hannelore? Could you meet me on observation deck 2150 2151 2152 2153 2154 2155 .I've always been curious about it!" "Why doncha just buy it then? Get it used for like ten bucks.." Reality: "Why do you wanna know about POKEMON?" "I." HI MARIGOLD CAN YOU TEACH ME ABOUT POKEMONS YES I WOULD BE HAPPY TO THEY ARE LITTLE ANIMAL MONSTERS THAT ARE YOUR FRIENDS AND FIGHT BATTLES FOR YOU THAT IS AMAZING AND ALSO YOU ARE VERY BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE THE MAN OF MY DREAMS LET'S HAVE A REASONABLE NUMBER OF BABIES I KISS YOU NOW (Hannelore is SHIPPING!) Marten: ".. Potter) "I dunno." "I'm going to wash my hands." Marigold: "That's how I always feel." "Yeah.) (The Observatory – and Lt. I don't know anything about Pokemon. scared you Drop dat @$$ to the floor you scared you. sure. but you coulda handled it a little better. WOE BE THE SCALLYWAG WHO OPENS BLUEBEARD'S SPECIAL BOTTLE 'O WHISKY! I CURSE YE FROM DAVY JONES' LOCKER! (Scientist #1 doesn't buy it) "Nice try." (Marten pulls out his iPhone. while Marten's a bit lost) Lt. right.. what did you bump into?" "A new security droid that thought I was in distress and separated my partner and me a lil' too forcefully. I better get some shuteye. Reed? Francis York. anyway. sitting perpendicular to Marten on the observatory window: "I like big guys. in SPAAAACE!) "You were seriously gonna try and make a move on me when you don't even know my first name?" "I said I was sorry!" Lt.) "Cool." "You too. eh? I'll box you stupid and have you out the airlock before you can say Higgs Boson!" "Dad." "What's up?" (loosening the tie uncomfortably) "I was. that's the first time you've willingly hugged me since you were a baby... not my finest hour. buddy. if you think your tummy can handle it. sitcom thing you could possibly-" I DIDN'T HAVE MY GLASSES ON. hi.And then HE said 'that's not a femtosecond initiation optical pulse. Potter you are out of control] "Aw dad.) "Yeah.I'm sorry. my friends have taught me that a little physical contact isn't so bad once in a while. I love you too. Have a good night.. well." (awkwardness." AUGH "Station! Are you sober yet?" "As a judge.. no!" Francis: "The observatory is up at the top of the spindle." WHAT "I don't know what I –" GIMME [Readout] MARBEAR: YOU ARE VERY PRETTY WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO LOOK AT THE STARS + HOLD HANDS Y/N (pause.I think you're being a little over-optimistic. are you and the doc's kid ####in' or what?" (PFFFF) "We're just friends. I'm really sorry. Listen-" (dramatic pause) "What do you know about Pokemon?" "I. it's hard to buy games when you're up here in orbit." "H-hello! Listen. Mr. (Lt.." (." "Huh.) You're not an idiot! (Meh. Francis?" "Stress-energy tensor fields in Netwonian-" (cut off) "Right." "You better not be making fun of me. How are you? I am fine.." Marigold (sudden realization) "Y-you mean in zero gravity?" "Yeah.. then blush) This is a really weird glitch Interlude – Marigold visits fanfiction. it's Marten... Lieutenant." "Speaking from experience?" "See this scar?" (lifting up the seam of her tanktop. uh. Hannelore: "I have a present for you too!" Dad: "You do?" "I love you. are you okay?" "YES FINE LET'S GO" Off they go! "Wuh.) [long pause] "Someday. Right. and takes up the classic boxing pose!) "Schtup my daughter." Awkward eye contact. Let's get outta here before they start tryin' to arm-wrestle the hunterkiller droids." (HUGS! HUGGING! SHE'S HUGGING HIM! HUGGING HANNELORE!) "I." "All right. and it will be so wonderful you won't even know what to do. that sounds like a great idea!" (heads away) Hannelore: "I don't get it... but you're not my type.. and they better be at LEAST making eye contact." (back to reading) "You @$$HOLE. y'know? (looking out the window) 'Sides. I want a drink waiting for me when I get back. I've never flirted with anybody before. I like my job. You wouldn't believe where I'm emailing you from | Hannelore and Francis are outside Marigold's room." "Yeah. that's my WIFE!'" (Leon and another female researcher laugh.. but whisky's meant for drinking. What can I do for you?" "A boy likes Marigold! What should she do?" "As with all matters of the heart. Even if I am just a glorified TSA agent. I dunno if she was playin' you or what." [Indecipherable scientific jargon courtesy of Science magazine] "'s Questionable Content section! Singing Scientist Guy: "We all chipped in and got you a present!" Hannerdad: "A bottle of whisky?" Singing Scientist Gal: "It was recovered from a sunken pirate ship! It's one of the rarest bottles in the entire world! Try it! Try it!" "It almost seems like sacrilege." Hannelore enters the darkened quarters: "Marigold? (light) Francis told me you." (floating down to the entrance ladder) "You can call me Abbie. I CAN'T SEE WITHOUT MY GLASSES ON. It's the principle of the thing... Hannelore." (thumbing over his shoulder) "Why don't you go ask an expert?" (Marigold is sitting next to the big window. Potter: "Enjoyin' the egghead jokes?" (I think I'm a few PhD's short.." "Send her an email or something! No sense leavin' if off on a sad note." (I dunno. I was hoping I'd finally get to test out that paranormal containment unit I designed back in '84." "I – I'm sorry!" "Don't worry about it. in the relaxed pose) "Jeez. Wanna ditch?" (Uh. dad. "So uh-" I'M EV TRAINING MY DRAGONITE "Wh-" SEE (shoving DS into his hands) "I-" I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM (Francis is left holding the DS) (pause) "She's wonderful" Panicky Marigold in the ladies room! Oh god oh god ohgod ohgodohGOD Hanners: "What's wrong?" THE SCIENCE MAN IS FLIRTING WITH ME AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO "Flirt back!" HOW "I – I don't know. attempted KISS?) Agh "ANGUS" (Angry Faye) "Did you leave the TOILET SEAT UP?" "Did I? Huh.. Farmer – does she – she's so PRETTY – " (smiling Marten) "What do you study. e-excuse me.." ("Hahah.. Well. wait. She left." Marten: "Hahah." Awkwardness levels – and Marigold's blush intensity – increasing! Hannelore intervenes: "Marigold" "HE" "IS" "FLIRTING" "WITH" "YOU" Marten: "You're dead set on that 'reasonable number of babies. Potter.. Station.. if they're gonna do THAT I might stick around. scared you Drop dat @$$ shake it fast ya Pop dat @$$ to the left and the right ya" Hanners: "Well.

did you have some kind of insight?" "Time's up.. I wouldn't want to be a distraction. (escorting Dora to the door. What possible interest would I have in traveling to OUTER SPACE and communing with one of the most powerful artificial intelligences in existence. I love you." "Yeah. MAKEOUTS!) UMG MMF MOOB Marten at the breakfast table." "Have you been enjoying your visit?" "Yes. Hannelore. which is somewhat darkened) "Station? Hellooo!" (Table for two – with a candle overlooking the Pacific) "Hello. sitting down for dinner. but.) Holopony!" Momo (freaking out): "IT WON'T GO AWAY MAKE IT GO AWAY" [The entire Holopony concept may have been a set-up for this gag.." (Hanners takes a sip) "Mm. real quick. Dad: "You're welcome to visit again anytime." (long. I couldn't leave my place here as Station AI. I might've touched his wiener.." (Unhappy Dora is unhappy) "Okay. Magical Love Gentleman and. then turning to look out the window) "Is it really so great.. okay." Hanners: "Hello!" Faye: "So how was-" Overexcited Hanners: "MARIGOLD TOUCHED A WIENER!" (Faye and Marten stop in their tracks. Hannelore. I'll be grateful to you forever."] Hanners: "Is Marigold awake? We should start packing our things.. I was ecstatic.. and a job." "I love you too. And when you broached the idea of traveling down to earth. Sleep well?" "Yeah. It's who I am." ".... Trying to work through your neuroses. Pintsize and Winslow on The Satellite Of Love (MST3K parody.] GUEST STRIP (S. BY MYSELF. an AI so advanced that comparing my intellect to his is like comparing a light bulb to a thermonuclear explosion?" "If he's that much smarter than you. You're used to being able to exert your will over other aspects of your life. elbows on knees) "God no. (turning and looking down at Earth – and Northampton in particular) But that's just it – I have a life. (Looks down at his notes) Many of the conflicts in your last relationship were conflicts of control as well.. he'd probably be into that." "Oof.) "So.2156 2157 2158 2159 2160 2161 2162 3?") "Okay. it's full of wonderful people and amazing things. down there?" "It's big and loud and dirty and scary. You think your brother is deeply unhappy due to his lifestyle. We can talk about it next week. Station.) Both: "eeeeEEEE!" Embarrassed Marigold is embarrassed! Hanners: "We didn't mean to barge in! Station usually puts a holographic sock on the door when people are having romantic times! (S'okay... What did I do while you were gone? Oh nothing. that will be enough. in LEO over the Earth) But I never considered the possibility that you'd stay there forever." (She points next to Marten) "What's with those two?" (Red-eyed Hanners and semi-pixilated Station – animated GIF alert!) Hanners: "There was a really interesting weather pattern over the South Pacific..." They return! Faye: "Hey space cadets... GLUG GLUG GLUG) "Uh. eyes shut tight) Momo? (sits down next to her. that's not quite 'woman of the world' status. "Hey Abbie. I owe you everything. with Marigold. talking. deep down. but when that instinct is frustrated. the more I missed you. Oh Goodie): Marten." "In fact.. You were a friend. a sister. listening to Station) But as we made progress. (Clueless Hannelore is clueless! She turns to leave) Enjoy your dinner!" "W-wait!" YELLING BIRD: "His Otterphile. I.." "I'm sorry. very much!" "That's good." (pause. Trying to untangle the knots in your psyche. who's still a bit flustered) "It's – it's very good...." "Actually." "Mm. (Hannelore..." Marten: "Thanks for having us. but now my head feels like I was usin' it to pound nails. Especially me." (gussied-up HoloStation)"What's with the fancy table and outfit? Do you have a DATE?" "In a manner of speaking.. Station... Burke. Here's what I think: You have control issues. DSM-IV is on the shelf in the background) What I want you to do over the next week is examine the ways in which your desire for control affects your everyday life. he's never had a relationship that didn't end horribly. (Hanners is now sitting up. HOW WAS YOUR TRIP." (Therapist looking down at clipboard) "Ah ha. no.") [Jeph: "Turns out it wasn't a butterfly flapping its wings." "You want me to stay up HERE?" "I miss you. (Sleeping Hanners – as Station looks on) You were no longer merely a puzzle for me to solve.. Butts. because it was logically the next step in your development. Have a seat. (turns to her) Shall we stay here and watch the world go by for a while?" "I'd love to. but can't force him to change it. what would you even talk to him about?" (Pintsize does a Marten neck-grab pose) "I dunno. You're the reason I'm standing here right now instead of locked in a padded room." (Potter: "I was wondering why there 2163 2164 2165 2166 2167 2168 2169 2170 2171 wasn't any hot water for my shower.. I guess that makes sense. sorry."] Francis greets a groggy Marigold outside her quarters: "'Morning. And the longer you were gone. Just SAT HERE. I've modified a security droid specifically for that purpose. (turning to Station. and stay. yes. I was hoping I could convince you to stay." (Marten gives Hanners a look – which she doesn't see because she's in :3 mode – while Marigold's blush still burns brightly) Marigold: "Momo." VRRRRRRR (Security droid now has ARMS!) "I'm not any happier about this than you screen name is Shellfish_Daddy1980. and a LIFE. well. Your mind was the greatest puzzle I was ever presented with. And it's down there. probably. Hannelore." ".Ah. I'm sorry. then. Mom is obviously unhappy) What's wrong? (Momo opens her eyes and a holographic projection shoots from her eyes. and we'll talk about them next session. "How's the wine?" (Hanners.P.. and I relished the challenge of solving it. Women throw themselves at him.." "It's probably for the best anyways." (Marten gets out his iPhone) "Actually.. both literally and figuratively." Marten: "She was in the shower when I got up. He can toss off a song in an hour and sell it for ten grand.." "I was just curious!" Marigold (sotto voce) "I. it wasn't meant to be. a kind heart." (Hanners is shocked) "M-more wine?" (pours bottle into a holographic cup.. no." Marten: "Wh. Hannelore. As long as I know you're happy down there. YELLING BIRD??? ) Pintsize: "Oh HEY Marten." #######IT DON'T YOU LEAVE ME HANGING Therapist "Okay. (looks out the window) I don't like remembering my childhood." GASP! "Well. Thank you for taking care of my daughter.That's pretty much the answer I was expecting.. then looking at each other. while Marigold has a full-sunburn blush) Faye: "You know what? I'm happier not having any context for that. just the two of us. Beneath those layers of fear and obsession lay a sparkling intellect. a daughter. But I can't stay." "Wasn't your fault.. (Hanners – looking somewhat like she did right before she met Marten – discussing moving with Station – and she's holding a "Scenic Northampton MA" brochure) When you began to come out of your shell and engage with the world. woman of the moon? Woman of a Kuiper Belt object?" Goodbyes in progress. standing before him with arms crossed) So the only solution was to ask you if you could find it in your heart to return. I'll start by checking myself for feathers and talons because I'm apparently a . He hates the songs he sells. Lemme give you his email address." "I'm really sorry about last night. I'm home." (Marigold and Francis are having more Teh Kisses!) Another hugging Hannelore as Marty shakes hands with Abbie. It's full of dark and scary things. I'm stuck up here." Station (who's now getting an animated "broken image link" error) "I burned out several processor banks trying to backtrace the original butterfly wing-flap that caused it. and you're down on earth. I also came to know you for the wonderful person you are.are you mad that I didn't take you along?" "Oh no. (Exterior view of the Station." "It just. (Station talking to a young covered-up Hanners) I miss the days we'd spend.. a tear forming on the edge of her eye) I love you too." "Station. I'm pretty sure he hates himself. and a boundless capacity for joy. You're the reason I have friends." Dora: "Yeah.." "Oh.. I grew to love you. such as your business. (sees Momo on the couch. We stayed up all night watching it. and we barely know each other." They enter the room to see – Francis and Marigold HEAVY MAKEOUTS! and Marbear with no glasses! (diving back out into the hallway – looking at each other before." Therapy session! Therapist: "It seems like the root of your issues lies in your relationship with your older brother. shut up and hug her already." (Hanners leans towards Station. are you a WOMAN OF THE WORLD now?" (We didn't – we just kissed a bunch!) Marten: "Hannelore. dejected pause." "Why do you think that is?" "Everything comes so EASY for him. and forgets he's a hologram!) "I'm okay! I'm okay!" [Jeph: "I've been saving that gag for this entire storyline. Everyone has been thrilled to see you again.. "Bye dad." Hanners and Station: "I'd hug you too. but. I encouraged you." "Oh my gosh! Who is she? Is she nice?" "I think she's VERY nice." (Hannelore enters the deck. on Earth." Station and Hanners. How are you feeling?" "B-better. How am I supposed to compete with someone who doesn't even have to TRY?" "Do you think he's happier than you?" (chin in hands." Marten: "It was really-" Pintsize (cutting him off) "Yeah that's great. you have trouble coping. but a capybara fart." "Oh no." "What. I mean.. You're the one good thing I have from back then..

" "O-okay. Marten.") "Normally. I got back here twenty minutes early." "What? Dora. I've never been in a steady relationship. keep the blade at the same angle or you'll mess up the edge bevel. but if there is I DEFINITELY wanna see the Attenborough documentary.. and make expresso (intentional mispel). I don't think slutting it up would be 'good for me'." "Deal." "I'm not a larva!" Dora (who's already having control issues) "Faye." Dora visits Sven (he with the Of Montreal t-shirt): "You wanted to talk?" "Yeah." "I'm not talking about DATING. I'm glad you think so." "We can keep an eye on her. yessss." (Sam runs off) "Of all the irresponsible-" "She also taught me how to make an 'old fashioned'. my brother. I'm not gonna be pissed off if you pursue other women. I usually pay my sitter ten bucks an hour –" "Fifteen. (I meant emotionally.." ("Did you know babies just throw up." "Only if I get paid!" (Uncomfortable Dora: "And here I thought you hated kids. (Hugging Faye) Thank you Faye! I had so much fun! I'll come back soon and you can teach me more cool stuff!" "Later..) "You mean." (Marigold.. and everything changes! Angus an Marigold turn Anime – complete with "I Heart Sefirosu-" on Mari-Chan's shirt!) Marigold: "THAT'S NOT WHAT MY PRESCRIPTION IS LIKE...." (And without missing a beat) "Well. I went on a date with a guy. um. we went on one date.. no. And I got snipped a few years after we had Sam anyway.." "Aww. Faye. "Why wouldn't I be?" I dunno." The Back Alley: "So I'm supposed to think about all the ways my control issues affect my life." "Ooh." Samantha has Faye in a sleeper hold: "Like this?" Blrgh (Dora ignores them) "So how'd it go?" "Well. one way or another.Okay. (Meaningful eye-roll bye Faye) Don't make that face. my friends." Sam: "And then he got an infection and his private parts swelled up to the size of a cantaloupe! Mom took pictures.. You don't have to do it behind my back. I wanna see how bad your prescription is. let's trade glasses.REALLY?" Dora eye roll: "I appreciate the effort." Faye: "I'm pretty sure there's no animal that has a giant ladle for a ####. even as Sam starts the knife sharpening) "You went on a date with my dad.." (Dora's still uncomfortable over this. I wanted to apologize for being such a control freak." "Jim. So I figured." (Sam: "Eww." "You can have an active sex life without 'slutting it up. yes. can I ask you a big favor? I've got someplace to be tonight. That's not who I am anymore..) If horniness isn't an emotion." "Me too. we just discovered pretty quickly that we were looking for different things." (That's a terrifying thought." (BonerEspressoCat!) "The piss arc is the whole POINT. But this one has potential. she's looking for the father of her future children." "Hey. but the babysitter just canceled on me and Sam's mom is out of town. dude?" "It was really cool. (realizing Dora's got her "frown" face on) I mean ." Jim enters the shop with Sam in tow: "Hey Dora. partially? It was a bunch of things.. (Meanwhile.. the earth will split open and the dark lord Azathoth will rise from his slumber to claim us all. With." "Really? You think I'm a good boss?" "Best one I've ever had. so if she could stay here for a couple hours-" (Sam protests) "I'm old enough to stay at home by myself!" "Honey.." Eyeroll Faye: "It doesn't involve animal genitalia. I only give you such a hard time because I worry about you. You should play the field a little bit." Hanners: "Marigold! Pull yourself together! We have to put the little hats behind us!" Marten puts on the little hat (with the pouf)! "Nothing? Nothing at all?" "I think I'm over it now. just seems like somethin' that'd normally bother you." The return of Jim! "Hey kiddo..") One was enough. "Really? It's been MONTHS? (Yep. GWS): Yelling Bird shows off HIS favorite photos from the internet! GUEST STRIP (Alina Pete. Well. Winslow." "Okay kiddo.) Is it because of what happened with you and Faye?" "I. Pouring another drink in Sven's kitchen." (handing dad the highball glass – and a sip) "So. It's like.. and it's just DEPRESSING. Momo! 2182 2183 2184 2185 2186 2187 2188 2189 2190 2191 2192 2193 GUEST STRIP (Danielle Corsetto... Why the long face?" "My therapist says I have control issues." "Stick with me.. Hannelore's billionaire genius dad and crazy scientists and a super-powerful AI and $#!+." Control Issues Dora: "Is she okay? No horrible burns?" "She's fine. babies. jeez. Does that bother you?" "Dad's not with mom anymore. kind. Marigold (who's reading an anime book titled. wrong. in an I Heart Gawwus t-shirt. somehow. while Winslow has a plain bowler) "Um." (Sven's been .. but if you're friends it's okay.' you know. I don't have time to let that kind of bull$#!+ high school drama get to me.. whenever? So gross!" "I know.. right?" "Absolutely." (waves) Faye: "So.. I should accept that. then." "Somehow. Pintsize.. But we decided to just be friends." (pause) "Jealous?" NO I'm surprised you were so chill about Jim bein' on a date with another lady.." "Thank you so much." THUD! "Faye?" That bad." (Beaming Sam) "Dad says I'm FULL of potential. maybe cut that out for a while and see how I feel. I don't even know how to DO that. but I still say he has to pee the espresso straight down. but. "What about you? Get any action since you and Marten split up?" "Psh. I know you guys are open pretty late." "It's not all bad. little larva.. THE HAAATS (Momo has a bowler with a pink pouf." Faye: "I bet THAT came up in the divorce hearings. (whispers) I wish that was what it was like. They make you a good boss.. (And how do you feel?) Horny. and sharpen knives...." Back to CoD: "So how'd your date go?" "Oh. I'll mold you in my image. It'd be good for you. the little haaaats. time to go. "I'm an adult. I was in OUTER FRIGGIN' SPACE. if you ever bothered to ask. Stand here Hold Winslow And smile Yesssss Yeeesssssss I'll go get the little hats Yessss the little haaats ("This feels. right?" "I. "Dance" in Kanji).. little larva. no?" "Nope. I was. "What's up?") COME OBSERVE OBSERVE THE LITTLE HATS YESSSS. he can go on dates if he wants to." I was actually just holding in a fart." Faye continues teaching the young Padawan: ".And that's how you pull a shot." "Why do you care if I'm getting laid or not?" "Legend has it that if a year goes by without a Bianchi having sex.. eh? "Yeah." Faye: ". WereGeek): "Why did we think it was a good idea to let Pintsize be the DM?" "To be honest. right?") Dora: "Yeah? Is it true you can smell your vas deferens burning when they do it?" Jim: "Yeah. playing with a butterfly knife trainer: "Agreedo. Which you'd know. no takebacks!" Drinkin' wine in Mason jars. I was trying to be discreet. He's on one right now. but it was the sizzling noise that really got to me. But I realize it's your life. She did good. Take a check?" GUEST STRIP (Pusheen): DANCE BREAK! Chibi Hanners. and-" "You let my daughter play with KNIVES and a BLOWTORCH?!" "Yep. And your first question is 'did I get any booty'?" (pause) "So. like. Next year.") Dora returns to the shop – while Faye's playing with her TIG welder: "Hey @$$butt." (Faye puts on Marigold's glasses." "Yeah? Get any space-booty while you were up there?" "Dude." (Dora's arms are wide open. I meant it when I said it doesn't bother me. like. blanches) "Yeah mine is super-strong. okay?" "." "I'm sorry. and if meaningless sex with random girls makes you happy. I kind of expected him to be much worse. yeah. But I feel like I'm never gonna learn if I just keep screwin' around. and empty) "Bye. Couldn't grill meat for a year afterwards. I'll try to be back to pick her up before you close. I rescind my apology then. I've got more to learn than I thought. yes?" YESSS HE SEEEEES (Both) YESSSSSS Hanners has recovered: "I'm sorry! I don't know what came over me!" Marigold hasn't yet: "It was just so cute.." (Sam enters holding a huge ladle over her head) "BEHOLD THE MIGHTY WAR LADLE" (Dora: "Faye.. I dunno." "Lemme show you what I made!" "Please tell me it doesn't involve animal genitalia. per se. like..." Sitting on Angus' couch: "Hey Mar-Bear. mostly. Faye's welding her latest project) ALL of my relationships have been affected by it. (Such as?) I'm looking for something low-pressure. I shouldn't be seeing anybody but my therapist right now.. we've been over this.2172 2173 2174 2175 2176 2177 2178 2179 2180 2181 ####ING HARPY." "'Kay." "But I like the little hats!") MARTEN COME (Gets up from reading Guitar Porn. it's been MONTHS since I hooked up with ANYBODY. Remember.. you dictator" Steve and Marten and BEERS (6 of 'em) "So how was your trip. did Sam tell you?" "Yeah. so that ship's sailed. yes." "That was easy!" "Yeah? You can work the rest of my shift. huh? "It wasn't BAD. but good for you. Did you have fun while I was gone?" "Yeah! Faye taught me how to use a blowtorch. if I'm late I'll give you a call. Marten.Wanna learn how to use a BLOWTORCH?" Sam: "YES" Dora: "FAYE" "What we just did was brazing –" "You mean like when my dad makes pot roast?" "Different process." "Well." ("Next week we'll also discuss your hypersensitivity to criticism.. (Both realize what she just said at the same time) He didn't want me to tell you that.." Faye. but I woulda put two and two together on my own. big boobs?" Faye heading off: "I gotta pee..

it'd be pretty hypocritical to get all emo over it now. I mean. When are you gonna show us how to do actual librarian stuff? ("Oh. I – I'm not really a LIBRARIAN. I think. sorry. and I do NOT appreciate it." (see strips 20-21 and 57-60) "Something wrong?" Momo: "There was a story on the news this morning about that fundamentalist church that says AI's are evil. I have no qualifications for this gig except that I haven't $&#*ed it up so far.. but other than that I'm okay. to the Earring Girl – who is still taking notes: "Is this some kind of weird hazing ritual?" To which she responds "Shhh!") Redhead's had it with Marten. you gotta stop and smell the first-edition Melvilles along the way. People use these for." "I hate to sound pessimistic. here we have a library computer. work. like immortal post-humans and human-AI hybrids and stuff?" "That is the beauty of being post-Singularity. I just like the smell of old books. (That's it? Are you bummed out?) Only a little. yes." "Can we not talk about your junk while we're hugging. wearing her "All my Vices are Devices" t-shirt) "W-well." (assuming this is Westboro Baptist) "Oh. She says she's doing okay. I'm pretty sure dad's got us covered. I was totally gonna say something. right? I want you to be happy too. sexism. Fanboys): Questionable Content in SPACE! Marten makes a bad pun or two – Not only was it bad. we ate them all." Tai is waiting for them at the counter: "Hey kidds. actually." Earring Gal: "Gabrielle." (Marigold explains. No distractions." Red: "Claire." (So you're interested in. Momo. This is where we. and the slo-mo drink-in-face splash." "Seriously? You've always been on his @$$ about his slutty ways." "I don't mean to be push. Marten. uh. I'm Marten. (Huh?) STEAMPUNK. this is DEFINITELY some sort of hazing ritual. to the customer's horror) "I resent that comparison. I just want you to be happy. uh. I mean. Marten: "What's the matter?" Dora: "We were talking about cupcakes at the shop tonight. I have a special task for you. Also I am HIGH as HELL right now. you could build in some kind of auto-braking mechanism that would kick in at a certain distance or above a certain speed." Marten and Momo are heading off to work – and apparently Marten told her about the cupcake incident: "I wish I could eat cupcakes." "You might BE the hoverboard!" Momo and Marten walk into the library – continuing their discussion on hoverboards. I can understand that. and you're terrible friends. Everything in its right place. it was on Mars. and I shouldn't feel bad for you at all. like. Like clockwork robots and giant steam powered zeppelins and stuff. I shouldn't be the one training you guys. And I'm glad she's doing all right. uh." "No you don't." "That may be true." Marten: "I dunno." "And now the cupcakes have been transformed from delicious baked treats to a rolling ball of hatred in my tummy." [Redheaded girl! Tall Asian Chick! Dark-skinned Earrings girl!] (Wh-what? Why me? Aren't you more qualified to do that?) "You could use the extra responsibility.. this is the front desk." "I'm okay." "I hope when they finally invent hoverboards I'm not too old and decrepit to enjoy them." Marten asks the question we're afraid to ask: "So why do YOU wanna work in a library?" Claire: "Why WOULDN'T I? Vast collections of knowledge." Marten & Momo continue their walk to work at the Library: "You really think we'd have to evolve before we can totally accept intelligent robots?" "Not standard biological evolution. That's certainly an improveme-) YOU ONCE SO DEFILED A 747 BATHROOM WITH YOUR FETID WASTE THAT IT WAS FORCED TO MAKE AN EMERGENCY LANDING IN INTERNATIONAL WATERS" ("SO THAT'S WHY YOU CAN'T LEAVE THE COUNTRY ANYMORE") Someone's banging on Marigold's door. organized by class and subclass. to offset the calories. "Um. I mean. Life's short. sis." (Huh?) "We've got a fresh crop of summer interns and it's your job to train 'em. nobody takes those guys seriously." "It is very exciting. being hated because of what you are is still painful. We do not know?" (as they take the stairs up to the library) "Dang. "H-hey dad. But Tai told me to. I – ") WHAT?! (as she looks at him eye to eye: "I'm not a librarian! I just work here!") Okay. checkout books and take in returns. I've seen what cake batter does to the inside of an AnthroPC." "…Yeah." (Faye hands the latte to the bewildered customer) "STOP CUPCAKE-SHAMING ME" Dora and Faye are laying back in distress on the couch. and she just replied." "And we ate them. Shame Orb and Sweetits: "DO NOT DESPAIR FOR THE SECRECY OF PRIVATE SHAME. And people dress up all old-timey only with gears and goggles and –" (Dad grabs in head in frustration) God DAMN IT (Walks away off-screen. but everybody calls me Gabby." Red: "Oh come o-OW!" (as she is WHAP-ped by Earring Note-taking Gal) And what are their names? Tall Asian: "I'm Emily. our IT stuff?) Emily: "Not really. actually that's a lie. We know the basics. look – I'm not a librarian. only made all weird. and I guess I'll be… showing you around today? (points to the desk) This is. Step one in training you guys… (hands in hoodie and walks toward the door) …Is to go get some friggin' coffee." Marten turns and thinks: "Okay." (Marten: "Am I the one being hazed?") Marten is in full facepalm mode: "All right. but… everything changes so fast these days. (arms akimbo as Marten pauses: "I – I'm sorry?") We're all graduate students." "That is why I feel so fortunate to know so many 2202 2203 2204 2205 2206 2207 2208 wonderful people who do not think like that. but. And stuff.. Besides. I haven't seen any flying pigs around and last I checked the earth's core was still molten. well. but no matter how you rationalize it. Sorry. no yelling or running around like an idiot. but we're stil working on racism." (Dora move in for a glass-holding hug) "You're okay. uh." Faye: "Which made us desire cupcakes.." "I hope he's okay. we KNOW what a BOOKSHELF is. Grandpa too." "I wasn't gonna say anything. Talking to you tonight helped. um." "Yeah? That's good. Yelling Bird. FOR I HAVE TURNED OVER A NEW LEAF. and probably punch you in the arm as well. division and section." (Marten is not amused) "So what you're saying is you didn't save me a cupcake. he then takes them over to the book stacks) This is a bookshelf!" (Redhead. and now that he's stopped you're WORRIED?" "It's just a sudden change! If you said you quit eating cupcakes I'd wonder what precipitated it. A good librarian educates! Enriches their community! Introduces children and adults alike to the wonders of the written word!" (Jeph notes in the title: "She almost burst into song") . I'm. Who knows what humanity will be like in fifty years?" "You mean. Momo: "It seems like it would be impossible to control." Claire tries to keep her head from asplodey: "I… you… agh!" Marten: "Lighten up. Frankly. maybe. it's like 1800's technology. (Earring Girl is taking notes as he takes them over to a computer workstation) Here we. um. well. um… hi. because I am not awake enough to deal with this." GUEST STRIP (Scott DeWitt. It gives me hope – it gives ALL of us hope – that one day we will be f ully accepted. So. what's up?" "I sent Padma an email while I was up in space.. when I was totally tryin' to get my mack on with that Lieutenant up on the station. you're with me today." "So we went and got some." Claire (who is apparently NOT amused at this) "You beat out dozens of other applicants for this internship just so you could SNIFF OLD BOOKS?" "Basically. homophobia…" "We are aware that 'one day' may in fact be 'another run up the evolutionary ladder'. We'll be in the office watching Adventure Time if you need anything." (And you're all library science majors?) Emily: "I'm in computer science. And you like pretty much every cupcake you see. NOW THERE IS ONLY THE PRIDE ORB" Yelling Bird's Proud Moment? "YELLING BIRD HOLDS THE WORLD RECORD FOR LONGEST SUSTAINED BOUT OF CURSING AND HAS MASTERED ALL KNOWN HUMAN PROFANITIES AS WELL AS THOSE OF DOLPHINS AND BEES (Huh. So will you PLEASE just bear with me here?" Red: "Y-yes.." "I've seen how you are. everybody knows that. I knew it was over. Just peace and quiet. leaving a bewildered Marigold) GOD DAMN IT GOD DAMN IT GOD DAMN IT Faye is making a latte for a customer as Dora shares her discussions with Sven: "So apparently my brother isn't banging tons of girls at random anymore. please?" (#0040FF) Faye walks in on Marten checking his phone: "Hey skinnysaurus." "I'm working on it." "And then we decided to have a situp contest. You see one you like and within five minutes you've got it's wrapper off. what's the ma-" "EXPLAIN STEAMPUNK. they're CRAZY." "That's odd. my balls are so blue Pantone wants to license the color. and she's the boss." (Tall Girl: "Permission to get high as hell and go watch Adventure Time with Miss Hubbert?") [AND NOW WE KNOW TAI'S LAST NAME…] Marten is now in full insecurity mode: "Okay. and she's sorry it didn't work out. God help us.. EXPLAIN IT. (She's really getting into this) And being a librarian is more than just stamping books and shushing people. no pointless babbling conversation.2194 2195 2196 2197 2198 2199 2200 2201 playing WAY too much Diablo III – as has Jeph) "Well.. THE SHAME ORB IS NO MORE. it's like. And… also solitaire? (Redhead is looking a bit concerned at this point." (Faye takes a sip of the latte.

you don't automatically have to be miserable. Faye comes over. it was stressful. the tall Asian one? Or the red-head? I know he likes curvy girls too. It's not my business in the first place anyway. it doesn't matter. Tai: "Today was rewarding though. Got a laptop handy?" "HELLO SENTIENT COMPUTER RIGHT NEXT TO YOU" "Hey. ignores this: "So." Tai: "Yes you have! I saw you talking to the senior research librarian yesterday!" Marten is confused: "Wait. now I feel guilty for getting high and watching cartoons all 2216 2217 2218 2219 2220 2221 2222 2223 2224 day. I know working at the library isn't. But I answer to the actual LIBRARIANS." (Faye does the AnthroPC jump shot) "They THANKED him for it! It was so cute!" "So which one are you gonna bang?" Marten is taken aback! "Wh." Tai hug! "Congratulations!" (sniff sniff) "Did you know you use the same deodorant as Marten?" Defensive Tai: "F-Faye does too!" Faye: "We've established Naked Mole Rat Law in this apartment. I guess." "Jeez." Marten: "You know what. then asides to Faye: "Can I borrow your deodorant?" "Still got the hots for Dora. Claire: "Can I have that one?" Faye: "No. I'm okay with it. (Tai: "Huh?") Dora and I are cool now." (to Gabby and Claire) "Careful when you're closing up the stacks. Tai's making me train them. Gastrophobia): Faye and Hanners find Marten has been "cheating" on CoD at Donut Oasis! Faye notices the obvious: "You're awful cheery tonight." (to Gabby) "No no." "It's okay. kiddo. that would be weird for Marten." (Tai: "Buh?") Dora: "Hi guys! I brought wine! (with screwtop caps???) Tai! I didn't know you were coming over too! Hooray!" (Tai: "Duh?") Marten – who speaks fluent "huh duh buh wha?" – translates: "She says hi. Bonus. If you wanna make out with her and she wants to make out with you. she makes a CoD Hammer Smoothie – to Hanner's shock! Emily smiles as she walks away with her smashed banana." Faye: "Thanks for the fancy wine." Marty is surprised: "That's been you? All this time I thought it was Pintsize." (to Claire." (to Claire – who is without glasses in the gym. I say go for it." "I'll take your hot dog if you're not gonna eat it. and it's the girls!) Claire: "We. right?" Marten: "Y-yeah. Do you really wanna be a lowly library assistant for the rest of your life?" Uncertain Marten: "N-no." [Evil bonercat "WORK HARDER" poster!] Marten leans against the desk: "What. please!") [SPECIALS: BLOOD LATTE SCAB MOCHA BONE AMERICANA HOT DOG MUFFIN] Hannelore hands Emily her drink: "Here's your smoothie!" Emily looks down at it dejectedly.." "That's it?" "Yep. Your gift of fancy wine has earned you a temporary visa.'" Faye. But if you gotta do something else to pay the bills. unfortunately. being Faye..." Marten: "Meh. but." (to Emily) "If you keep the return cart sorted. so maybe-" "I started some slashfic that explores each possibility." Faye: "I'm not sure Dora should be makin' out with anybody right now." Tai. How'd intern-wrangling go?" "I think I did okay." Tai and Marten walk through Northampton (is that an AnthroPC with an "I WILL ACCORDION 4 YOU"?). All who smell different will be expelled. Dora stretches as she stands up: "Okay friends. you probably just dreamt that it existed." Marten closes the door to the office – and looks ready to collapse. your whole life people tell you to do what you love. your life's passion or anything.." Dora: "Could be both. but it did feel good when they thanked me for showing them the ropes. I mean. Faye awaits as Marten lights a bottle rocket (and Hanners holds her ears with one eye open)." Gabby: "I heard if you order a smoothie they just smash up a banana with a hammer and put it in a cup." Marten states the obvious: "Wouldn't hooking up with an intern be kinda unethical?" "Psh. I showed 'em how to do stuff." Tai is moping: "Whatever. as they inspect something found on the floor) "Wayfarers." Tai does the pit-sniff. huh." "New interns." (KNOCK three times. But it can still be a fulfilling job if you put the effort in." "You brought it up! If you were talking about purple elephant boners I'd be thinking about that. The cart is a pile of lumber and a gleam in the carpenter's eye. I wonder which one I should hook up with. Tai: "How'd training day go?" "I dunno. If I didn't think you could do it I wouldn't have told you to. I might not be working at the library forever. I’m not gonna make a move on Dora." Tai explains it all as they head out of the library: "I had you train the interns because you need the extra responsibility. If it makes you both happy." Faye: "He eitherr has a Shakespearean senses of humor or a toilet fetish.." IT IS JEPH'S BIRTHDAY! The Inflatable Pony! Marten's Training Montage: (to all three) "The vintage porn isn't allowed to leave this room. I wonder if she's into girls. what's this strange feeling?" Tai: "Job satisfaction. no." ("Y-you are?") Dora: "Y'know." "Man." Emily: "Banana smoothie." Faye (as Dora walks in the door) "I don't completely share your enthusiasm. a propery library shush is more abrupt. Happens to me all the time. they like to bite off arms. but. dental dams in the pink bin." HAPPY FREEDOM DAY! LOVE." Tai and Marten are having some late lunch: "Emily's pretty cute. aren't you." Faye is in her usual "Toss Pintsize" position: "Hey kids." "I think I need to lay down. leans down and gets something under the counter – a hammer and a banana. I don't know if I'LL be working at the library forever either. I could get offered a better job." "That makes one of us. Don't ever look in the black bin. So I should make the most of it." Marten: "Right on. THAT IS CLEARLY THE ENTIRE POINT OF INTERACTING WITH LADIES. 'Sh!' not 'Ssshhh!'" (Gabby takes this to heart: "SH!") (to Gabby and Emily. even if it's just teaching a bunch of interns." (Claire – running to catch up: "Wait – wait up! I like books too!") Enter the group to the Coffee of Doom! Claire: "I've heard stories about this place." "Good." "The horse is a foal. we're. I've never been clear on it – do you run the entire library?" Tai: "Oh.." "I haven't thought about it. I've got plenty of those already. who are holding baskets outside the bathroom) "Condoms go in the purple bin. You seem to have some ducklings in tow. Pintsize waves his sparklers while Momo just stares happily at hers. ordered the hot dog plate: "Now I'm thinking about purple elephant boners. I'm sure you did you absolute best to smoke that weed and watch those cartoons. If she can't find it. don't even worry about it. or get transferred or promoted. Gabby?" Gabby: "I like books. That could lead to some awkward smell memories. eh?" "God. you mean Old Gus? He told me he was the JANITOR!" Tai: "I always wondered why you told him whenever one of the toilets got clogged.. (I do?) Yes. If anyone tells you otherwise. I can see that." "Haha. What's up?" Dora unscrews a bottle of wine as Tai walks in: "I went over the books and we're beating last year's sales number so far!" "Oooh. Lemme show you where we keep the special net." (Emily – to Hannelore.. I mean. you do. it's fine. I mean. I'm gonna go get some shuteye. Hampshire droppings. not really. the day to day stuff." (to Emily and Claire) "If you're having trouble finding something in the computer system. and –" "How IS your band doing? Are you playing any shows? Doing any recording?" "W-well no. It's really weird.. Fancy wine." Marten: "I haven't met one in all the time I've worked there. she's working on her issues. but it was so nerve-wracking!" "I'm sure it's fine. we wanted to say thank you for showing us around today." Faye greets Marten in her usual manner: "Hey assbutt." (they disappear into the kitchen as Tai makes her move) "I'll walk you home!" "It's… kind of a long walk. QC. yeah. I was too busy explaining how to avoid getting crushed by the stacks." No. Just go with it. but I HAVE been using Faye's tampons. And I guess I'm pretty lucky that I have a job where I CAN feel like I'm accomplishing something. Noam Chomsky flyer. ask Momo." "That's okay! I'm . call security. maybe. does that mean I'll get a raise?" "Nope. Thanks. Dora: "I heay you trained some interns today.I – why is everybody assuming I'm gonna bang one of 'em? I'm not like. does that mean I get a raise?" "Raise." (Lime Stuff! Yellow Mellow???) "But you're thinking about it now.. sure. and keys to a Volvo. who's manning the espresso machine: "One smoothie. And with a BLAM. I mean. it saves you time when you're actually putting stuff back on the shelves. but you made me feel right at home." Tai: "He did a good job! I'm putting him in charge of all intern-wrangling duties from here on out.. That cool?" Marten's meh: "Yeah. like you haven't thought about it.. I invited Dora over for pizza." Gabby: "At first I was intimidated to be working here. we're kind of still trying to write some songs but." "Congratulations on your promotion to middle management. (pause as Tai gives him the "do you REALIZE what you're saying?" look) I guess I'm putting the cart before the horse.." Slicing up the pizza in the kitchen. Like. but I keep forgetting to buy my own so I've just been using Marty's.. like. am I that obvious?" "Sorry. 'oh hey some new girls I just met." GUEST STRIP (David McGuire. just crippling ennui and quiet desperation. but not because I WANTED to. while Marten's holding a ball) "I have no idea why we're playing dodgeball. definitely. what if my band takes off. It's like." "Yeah.2209 2210 2211 2212 2213 2214 2215 Marten (who is already down the street with Emily and Gabby) "What about you.

" "Do you store roll cake in your arms?" "If you like anime that much. and she looks ju st…" "Oh god. Shortpacked!): Pintsize has become Butts! Tai's sleeping it off (under the Lesbrarian Venn Diagram sign). I forgot." "Okay. or if you really think you can't do a relationship... She was drunk. we can't) WE ARE WORKING ON THAT TECHNOLOGY" "All right. I did talk to Dora. you might as well tell me." (Marten and Faye peek around the corner in terror) "Well… how 'bout you walk ME home then? That way I get home safe. coming from you? We're gonna need a bigger hose. uh-" SHE KISSES THE GIRL! They're both tongue-tied – and blushing: "I. (Yeah?) But if you're just considering it because she's shown interest in you." Gabby: "Kiss-@$$. "Yeah. That's why I fibbed about it in the first place." Dora falls for it! "Hmm. Right. I'm super into you. right?" "Uh." Meanwhile." Hannelore notices something: "Do you have a sister?" "W-why do you ask?" "There's a girl who started interning at the Smif library with my friends." Marten: "I should be taking notes." "Oh. I've still gotta figure out what I'm gonna do. And not just physically. did you?" Marten tries tact: "Uh.. but." (Hides back under her pillow) "Oh. Want me to get the hose." They've reached Tai's apartment house." Marten: "I guess that explains Faye being gagged. uh. it's the humidity." Marten's not happy with Emily: "You're also a terrible friend. and you're stone cold sober for your drive. You're amazing." Clinton appears! Faye gets defensive: "Oh great. after you guys left Marty and I got into a bottle of schnapps I found under the sink. and nobody likes a liar." (Claire asks the obvious question: "How do you even eat that?" Emily gives the obvious answer: "With my mouth!") "Do you. Rawhide. that's not a bad idea." Tai's still curious." And our ex-Goth barista suddenly turns a bright red! GUEST STRIP (Amanda. god. y'know?) Nope! Waiting's for suckers! Wish me luck!" (Marten pauses." "O-oh. and Tai's like. Morrow Marrow. NOOOO." (Faye: "Excellent recovery. I don't care!" "No. Marten." "I've seen you check out her @$$ on multiple occasions." Tai: "My intuition is telling me that Dora's being all wishy-washy about it. no way. hey. Um." Claire: "Ugh. Hannelore?" Clinton surrenders: "No hose! No hose! I'm just here to get some coffee! I promise!" "All right. (Haha. you've met Claire? She didn't do anything weird. Got a minute? (Dora steps outside with Tai) Okay. we should probably head back. I'm gonna go down there and get a straight answer. Dora wakes – and REMEMBERS! "…Is why I'm absolutely crazy about you. 'Cause if it doesn't work out. "Oh." "Well. (Yeah." Tai: "Psh. . AZ): Tumblr quotes by the QC cast! GUEST STRIP (Jon Rosenberg. Templar.) Unless you decide to. there's no weird friend situation like with me and Faye. But the hose awaits if you misbehave. my head…" And then suddenly. the librarians don't get in for two hours. No!) Faye greets Dora at the shop: "Hey spookypants." "Hey. Something*Positive): Anthrogeddon – the Extreme Mods for AnthroPC's convention! GUEST STRIP (David Willis. Whatever you decide. right? You talked to her for a long time! About Ms. Don't stress about it too much. (Thanks. in for a pound!" (pushing his boss around) "Nope." Dora: "She's also about to have her blackboard privileges revoked. Hubbert!" Marten's like. yeah. "…Of course. when she should be over here making out with me. 'cause you got some issues? News flash so does everybody else on the planet. maybe you oughta give her some time. But I need an answer. I mean the whole shebang. of course. we're both female. I was drunk. And if you're not interested. I've been out-idiomed." "Actually. Uh." (Dora is nonplussed in her headband: "Mm. like. no…" Clueless Emily: "Huh? Yes you did. you're here. walks in with a wave over her shoulder) G'night. what's 'anime'?" 2239 2240 2241 2242 2243 2244 2245 2246 2247 And as they walk into the shop." (who are those people in the background?) Emily: "Um." Tequila Monster – who is doubling as the Hangover Monster: "Agreed." (Drat.") Annnyway…" "No. so." (pauses to think) "Yeah. I… I don't know. I'm sure it'll be for the best.2225 2226 2227 2228 2229 2230 2231 2232 2233 2234 2235 2236 2237 2238 drunk. I shoulda drunk more so I wouldn't remember that. right. Love Me Nice): What happens when AnthroPC's have "software glitches" GUEST STRIP (Spike. It seems like it's a good setup for avoiding the stuff that messed up OUR relationship. Massive crush over here. and everybody being all up in my business about it isn't helping. then: "…Good luck." Marten and Momo arrive: "Mornin' ladies. SHE REMEMBERS! "…Is why I'm absolutely crazy about you." "Just 'cause the cat got out of the bag doesn't mean I'm gonna let it run out the front door and into traffic." "Uh huh. I wanna give it a try and see. be fair! I check out tons of @$$es!" The three interns are outside of the library – and Emily notices something right away about Gabby: "Your hair is different!" Gabby (who's now in a short 'fro): "Yeah. that happens all the time. I never really thought about it." "Damn it. And that(meaningful pause as she leans in to look her sraight in the eye) -Is why I'm absolutely crazy about you." Tai goes hard – "Hey. I didn't make out with Tai.ARE YOUMAKING OUT WITH TAI YET – And yet ANOTHER one: Marten – hey just wanted to tell you it's cool if you make w/tai. it's possible I forgot to carry a number somewhere and the shop is actually tanking. what. A large latte. To make up her mind. okay. I guess it was Pintsize's? I dunno. How can you not see how much more ass you're kicking than them? If you think you're a mess. (turns. well…) Okay. That probably wouldn't be for the best." "So.) Meanwhile – Emily demonstrates for Claire! OMF GROMF HOMF And Tai awaits at the entrance. you know me better than anybody else." (climbing on a sorting cart) "Aw c'mon! In for a penny. I totally understand. want me to say anything to Tai?" "I'd rather you didn't. but-) But nothing! Look at everyone else you know. Wow. boss!" Claire hands Marten a coffee: "I got coffee for you. I live in Amherst now. Sorry about the texts last night. Haha. Russian Roulette with Hitler… oh. Butts LOL"] "So. (pause as Dora looks at her) So. you don't have to get mad about it!" (Facepalming Dora) "Sorry. I should introduce you to my friend Marigold. Scenes From A Multiverse): Pintsize's "busy day" – Oliver Twist. but I totally meant it. about last night. Dora's the one with the black hair." "Well. the cat's already out of the bag. Tai: "…And I'm like. I just – I have to figure out how I feel." "Why not? Too friendcestuous?" "No. okay? (W-wait! …like. Marten says "use your intuition. Ha ha. and I don't have keys. Um. I mean. So I want your opinion. Hannelore notices something right away about Gabby: "Your hair is differ-" "HUMIDITY" Marten: "Oh hey. I drove here. okay." Emily salutes: "Good morning. over in Amherst. "Where were you guys?" Marten: "We went to the coffee shop. I'm kind of a mess.. GEEEZ! "You are a terrible friend. Hold down the fort for me. Dora. Tai called and said she's sleeping in.." Emily's all excited: "We're friends?" "Okay." "Yeah. it's only 'cause you hold yourself to a higher standard. what do you think?" Marten's confused: "I thought you didn't want people up in your business. She probably doesn't even remember." Gabby "It's the humidity." "Yeah. did she?" Faye is a bit concerned: "That." (Title says it all: No. is oblivious: "You're a popular lady tonight!" Dora (as she's deleting all these annoying messages) "Apparently." "What'd she say?" "She asked me not to talk about it." "I don't. Ththanks.") FILLER ART – Momo and Nichijou! (Cristi's in the hospital ) The mean streets of Northampton. that's not really fair to her.. and "burning donkey hair smells like coconut?" GUEST STRIP: (Zach Weiner. was Dora there? You didn't talk to her." "Oh jeez." "Yeah! Wow. (True)" Hanners has other ideas: "BUT think of how cute your babies would be! (Uh. SMBC): The countdown continues… GUEST STRIP (Randy Milholland. tell me about it. good luck :) Dora is NOT happy as her phone buzzes AGAIN: Faye – RAM IT IN (AFTER APPLYING PROPER LUBRICATION) Tai. Hannelore. I'm not throwing good money after bad. She's the one who's pursuing you." Emily's more interested in Momo: "Do your pitgails detach?" "Um… no." Faye – with the duct tape on the mouth – wrote on the chalkboard: "I bet you wanna get all up in TAI'S business" ["SPECIALS: Bone Meone. smoke a bunch of crack and punch Tai in the face." Emily: "We could use Momo as a battering ram!" (Momo's not thrilled with that idea. I'm about to barf butterflies.) Marten notices something right away about Gabby: "Your hair's different today. why wouldn't I be?" "Tai told me she was 'sleeping in. No secondguesses. there goes my fallback plan. No waiting around while you subconsciously convince yourself it wouldn't work out. Alien Virus.' which I figured was code for you and her-" "I did not hook up with Tai!" "Okay. that's fine. 'who even does cocaine in a library?'" Dora: "Haha!" And that's when she notices her phone has a text message: Faye ." Claire: "I'm not – I just thought it would save the trip to the coffee shop!" Marten: "We might as well go down there anyway.

yes!" "Okay." (Who says we're friends?) Emily: "We're friends.. Turquoise. Chocolate. Marten musta talked about this kind of stuff constantly.) Hanners holds the hose: "I'm sorry Dora but I have to turn the hose on you for that pun." "Yeah." "M-maybe you shouldn't.. you know?) "Not much of a pursuit. He said 'look." Marten: "Can I come too? I'll be the gardener or something." Faye's home – with Angus in tow: "Hey Marty. I promise. then "Ahahahaha" Tai turns to go back in: "Lemme go change." (And I'm judge.) I'd be pissed if one of my exes started dating one of my friends." Dora pokes at her salad: "Oh. I believe you." Angus isn't sure: "If I were in your position. (The "angle" is I like seeing my friends happy. hun? I get it.." Pintsize: "See? I TOLD you we oughta charge for bathroom privileges!" Dora shows up at Tai's apartment wearing her ex-Goth attire (black RWAKE shirt with no right shoulder. you got your clit pierced in front of Marten." "Okey-doke!" "Don't do it! She can send out a really powerful electric shock. that pun never even occurred to me. You looked so cute in that dress!" "I woulda spent the whole night worrying about keeping my legs crossed. this is not a repeat of 1766) "That was tasty." "H-haha.) BOOP (STOP IT!) Light blue." "No. because right now I would happily sacrifice our friendship for more Dora-kisses." Marten's home: "Man. and I used to fantasize just hauling off and smacking 'em." "What." Dora asks the question we've wondered since we first saw it in strip 691: "So what's the significance of the 'pow'?" "You mean on my elbow? (pointing to it) Well." "That musta been one #### of a kiss." "What makes you say that?" "Well. I don't have any real interests or skills other than small-scale mayhem. Shop rules. like. (Dora's in la-la-land) I don't think I've ever seen you this giddy. Yellow-green. I seriously doubt you'd have to worry about it." "Was it weird telling your parents? I know I was super nervous when I told mine I was bi." Gabby's trying to understand this: "Dora's your ex? And you're okay with Tai going out with her? (Yep. Emily. and back to Medium VioletRed! Marten steps in: "C'mon. back at Casa del Marten y Faye: "I wonder how their date is going. jury and sexecutioner. Pintsize. why don't you go out and do stuff while I'm at work?" "Because there's nothing I feel like doing outside that won't get me arrested.) I don't believe in altruism. I kissed a couple. Wow. I do. It really got to me. hello." Angus sits on the arm of the couch: "I mean. I haven't had a chance to take it down yet. you don't strike me as the particularly modest type." "I'm just saying. I think Tai cracked my sternum with her victory hug. you look so cute!" Walking the streets of Northampton – and Tai's wearing a t-shirt and green shorts." Angus slips away: "Be right back" (pause) "Oh geez." Tai realizes something: "Oh geez. like. if you gotta break up with me.'" Tai gives the eye roll: "I guess that's a somewhat tolerable kind of intolerance. Tai finishes her explanation: "…And THAT'S why I prefer European-style dubstep to the Skrillexy American stuff. but I always kinda knew I only really liked girls." Tai isn't taking chances: "I'm gonna text her instead. sexuality isn't a fashion decision. but I don't mind if you continue the trend. It's empowering. They've always been super supportive." "Good. uncomfortably aroused." The food's here (where's Sven?)." Faye: "I have all sorts of doubts about the long-term viability of our relationship now. "So you've never been with a guy?" "Nope. what you hate. I'm superfluous. bitches! (swinging for emphasis) So when I was thinking about my first tattoo. huh. Salad for Dora) Which is good. I'm sorry!" "No no. for being nerdy and not having boyfriends and stuff. Fire-Brick. no. hahah. POW! Take that. and you were totally happy to show me…" "Oh $#!+." "Maybe you should channel your creativity into something more constructive. I really like that old Batman TV show. I should take up painting? Robot yoga? BIBLE STUDY? What's the point? I have no purpose. I saw SEVEN different sparrows on the windows. except it's weird when you catch your father checking out your girlfriend. but… she stated her case." Dora sips on her tea: "Marten did that a lot too." (pause) "Geez. I forgot about the bathroom. I didn't realize you felt that-" "Nah." Two identical scenarios: "You were so busy smooching you forgot to set up a first date?" "I – I was distracted! I'll call her now. I totally forgot about that! (pause) Did you like what you saw?" (Dora blush!) "Ah." "Oh… oh god." "This is what I like about our relationship. hands in the air and POWER HUG! "You promise you're okat with this? For real?" "Haha yeah." Tai is… flabbergasted? Dora drops her fork: "N-no. She's not a toy. but those pants are ridiculous. every situation is different. "Hee!" BOOP (Momo realizes her hair has turned violet blue! She then recognizes that look on Emily. Subroutine_do{check_liftupshirt} "Yes." "No. I'd be wicked uncomfortable." "Ooh." "Oh no. putting his beer down on… Pintsize's head? "Well." Emily's curiosity gets to her." (It feels so nice to be pursue." Pintsize joins in: "Leave him for a robot! A GIRL robot!" Faye drinks her beer: "I'm leaving you both for a nunnery.) In that case. What did Pintsize do this time?" Angus: "Did you guys know your bathroom is covered in close-up shots of buttholes?" Marty: "Yeah. if you ask me. I'm not." Tai comes charging in. and Tai answers the door wearing… a pink dress with flats! They look down for a moment. (Well. crazy day today!" Pintsize: "Tell me about it. Being surrounded by sphincters while I did my business… It was kind of… mesmerizing. just to be safe. it's okay! I wanna get to know you better. it'd make me really happy if you gave me $100. it seemed perfect. If you need me. like those stupid baggy pants. Maybe I can get this covered up with a tiger or something." Faye is suddenly uncertain as Angus opens a beer in the background: "You sure you're okay with them makin' out?" Marten's getting tired of this: "For the last time. (Burger for Tai." (AnthroPC on the sidewalk – "WILL 2258 2259 2260 2261 2262 2263 TORRENT 4 CASH") "That's funny." Dora tousles her hair: "Exactly! Right now you're just the sexy little redhead who works at the library. I'm happy for you guys. "So is your dad actually okay with you dating girls?" "Oh yeah." Faye isn't amused: "You're a pig. Find out what you're passionate about – what you love. 'cause that'd mean I've been doing it wrong all this time. sorry. "You really didn't have to change. back in grade school and high school the popular girls would make fun of me. I guess you don't actually know me super well.. like in high school and stuff." (BOOM! BOOM!) Emily is frightened by the idea! Marten: "I'm pretty sure it would just go to voicemail or something." Momo: "I have another function that you might find entertaining. I've brought home a couple girls and he was totally fine." Marten has a seat.'" "Um." "At first my dad was like 'it's just a phase you're going through. I was designed to be a companion. I was really lucky. There's gotta be some angle you're workin'." At the restaurant. I'm just ####in' with you. y'know?" "Empowering." Tai's face suddenly becomes almost as red as her hair: "Okay. here's a fact about me: I apparently get super flustered when you call me sexy. I'll be wallpapering the bathroom with macro shots of human anuses. like with the sound effects and stuff. of course." Emily is disappoint: "Aw. and it was pretty convincing) "You make it sound like some kinda trial procedure. Unnecessary. I didn't mean – (lying through her left nostril) he only goes for tall women!" "WELL MAYBE I'LL WEAR PLATFORMS" (No. "Really?" "Touch my pinky. I don't care if you bring home a boy or a girl or whatever." "Hell yes. but I'm lousy at that. last time I went there on a date I totally freaked out and realized I shouldn't have been dating anyone at the time. it's an infinite rabbit hole of subgenres." Tai finds this funny: "If you ever introduce me I'll make sure not to wear anything revealing." Hannelore." Emily asks a question we've all wondered to Momo: "Do you have a belly button?" "Of course I have a –" STOP." (Which. My ##### rules. would be an even WORSE pun) ." "Let's go to Herrell's (Ice cream parlor in downtown NoHo –in the vicinity of where CoD would be located) for dessert!" "You know. Like." "It never fails to amaze me how no matter what kind of music you talk about. a belt with a skull buckle riding low enough to reveal her flame tattoo." "If you get bored. okay. It's her self-defense mechanism. neat! Try it on me!" "With pleasure. he meant what he said." (Maybe not in the traditional sense. A reminder that I'm tough and I kick ass no matter what anyone else thinks. sure. watching from inside with Faye: "Is this what normally happens when people kiss?" Faye: "I hope not. leave Momo alone. But I know there's more to you than that. Irrelevant. Heard the news?" "Yeah. The brutal honesty. that's what I told him. at least leave me for a girl. then suddenly "BUBBLE TEA LET'S GET BUBBLE TEA INSTEAD" (tugging Dora along with her) Bubble tea in hand. torn black leggings and boots). I hope it's not cursed! Haha!" (talking about her date with Jim of TSB) Tai has a moment of realization. Um. Lime Green." Meanwhile. I want 'em to be happy.2248 2249 2250 2251 2252 2253 2254 2255 2256 2257 Man. You're STILL floating a couple inches off the floor.

did I? Because man. I'm opening tomorrow morning. uh. Can I come over?" "Uh. not now. she kissed me goodnight. like. and-" (Full anger mode Faye ACTIVATED) "For Christ's sake dora. sure. but I should really head home." "I'm flattered. Marten." Clinton: "Good morning.did you have an okay time? I mean." Tai goes for it: "Do you. You're in NO WAY ready to date anybody right now. and I don't wanna mess it up. btw) It just feels so INTENSE. but thanks. wanna come in and watch a movie?" "I'd like to. with unintentional devil horns "You know what this means?" She backs up – and we see the "horns" were really the edge of a picture frame. And I DO wanna come inside. enjoy your hot dogs or whatever." "But you can talk to her ex?" "I tried callin Faye first but she literally roared at me!" (Pouring some OJ) "Yeah. Seriously. you're Hannelore EllicottChatham?!" Hanners gets out the hose! "Don't make me do this! I don't want to but I will!" Marten. That's pretty much it. and a 'banana smoothie' for Emily. and here you go again." (CONFIRMATION!) "It's okay." . like. Which is great. I just – I'm not a FAN. If you're freaking out about how much you like Dora. Tai apologizes to Marten: "Sorry for waking you up.'" [14 Dwight Street exterior shot] Out on the doorstop with Marten: "I think you just gotta chill out. Are you sleeping?" (sits up on the edge of the bed) "Well. but…" The next day at CoD. we didn't. but…" "Did she grab you butt?" (looking over her shoulder) "Oh yeah. are you guys twins?") "WE'RE NOT TWINS" (Gah! Creepy!) "I'm not creepy. we're not twins. ACTUALLY GO ON A DATE WITH HER. Ellicott-Cha-" Both: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE" (Marten: "Whoa. I think. like. I was like VRRRRR SHLUP SHLUP SHLUP RRRRR WEEE OH YEAH BABY PFFTHBLTH UNF UNF UNF MM YEAH (SLAP SLAP SLAP) I was just goin' crazy. uh. I'm sorry about my brother. and the park service is still mad at me for last time." "Is there an infinite guitars cheat and if so can you activate it for me?" (ASK ME HOW TO DRAW A KITTY!) Special Tumblr edition: Hannelore shows us how to draw a kitty! (She gets a little carried away…) Claire "clarifies" things: "Like I said. y'know." "None of your other friends were up?" "I. you two are kinda creepy." "Like I said." "If that's true then whoever programmed it is a dick. and I really do have to get up early tomorrow." "Didn't you say the date went well?" "I dunno. I feel a little better already." (Are those intoxication bubbles?) Sleeping Marten is awoken by Wilco singing "I am trying to break your heart I am trying to-" "H-hello?" "Marten? It's Tai. What am I supposed to do with all this surplus rage now?" Smif Students run into Gabby." Hannelore: "It'll be a couple minutes. it was really easy to jimmy open. I have to go wash off the hammer." "Thanks Miss Gabby!" (Red Tank Top Girl in background) "You tutor high school students?" "What? Those were first-years." Claire makes the connection: "Your dad? Wait. it's driving me crazy. But I need to take this slow. casually slurps his coffee… "I don't even CARE about your stupid dad!" "My dad's not stupid! He's really smart!" "I'm sure he is.") "It went well! Tai's so cute." "You guess? He blew his hand off!" "If you knew how much he loved having a robot hand." YELLING BIRD: Happy Labor Day. they all look like kids to me these days. it's warm from my butt heat." Cut to a cross-eyed Angus in bed as Faye's putting her bra back on: "I'm not complaining. anyway?" "He was playing with fireworks and one blew up while he was holding it. okay! I'm leaving! God!) "He – he didn't say anything weird. did we?" "What? No. uh. I mean." Claire wants in on this: "What about 2273 2274 2275 2276 2277 2278 2279 2280 2280k 2281 2282 me?" "Hmm." "If you're so insightful about relationships. but she's so cute it's gonna be hard to hold out. I'm 24 and Clinton is 21.2264 2265 2266 2267 2268 2269 2270 2271 2272 Outside the house: "Well." "Yeah." "Jesus. With that bag… 8th grade?" Claire defends her Hello Bonercat purse: "I AM TWENTY-FOUR AND THIS IS VINTAGE" Dora: "Hey hon!" Marten: "Hey." "Maybe he loves it so much because it means he's not missing a hand." Marten: "Modern cybernetics is really sending mixed messages to kids. Where's Faye? I thought she was working this morning?" "She had to go work off some excess rage. we better talk outside so we don't wake her." "Why do you think I'm always so eager to hang out with you guys?" "I figured it was so you could ogle Dora and Faye. Faye: "So how'd your date last night go?" "Pretty well. she's creepy!" "I'm not creepy. she grabbed the hell out of it. Ms. Marten & Claire "Hey Annette." "Yep. Also." (Tai has BSoD'ed!) "Tai? Hello?" "How did we get here? Last thing I remember. you shouldn't have agreed to go out with her in the first place! I KNEW this was a bad idea.'" "What? You talk about them all the time!" (To the kitchen for some OJ) "I've got casual acquaintances and ex-####buddies. Good job on your final. that's a much more reasonable problem. or you'll end up with sweet robot body parts. 'Don't play with fireworks." Marten: "How'd he end up with the robot hand." "Yeah. (Since before strip 726. we were having dinner. other people. you KNEW that! If it was gonna be a problem." "How old do I look to you?" "Oh." Slurrrppeeee place! Marten: "You really don't have any close friends?" Tai slurps on her drink: "I've got you. uh. But I invited her back to my place and she turned me down." "If you let it develop naturally. I've casual friends and people I've hooked up with. I would've said that it was only a problem because I don't wanna sleep with her until I feel the same way. but I've met her dad and he's pretty cool. How'd the date go?" (Claire has the order list while Marten chats with Dora: "…A large latte. friendsight is 20/20. It'll only get messed up if you come on too strong and try to force it. I think…" Faye uses finger quotations: "You think?" Dora looks up: "I can tell Tai's completely infatuated with me already. Freshmen. pretty loud and-" "I didn't disturb you last night." "Marten." "That's. I totally understand and we can just-" DORA KISSES THE GIRL (with DOUBLE BUTT GRAB)! "I had a good time. sorry." And Emily wants her Banana Smoothie! "I thought you had it!" "I – I must've left it there!" EVIL FOREBODING EMILY! "You… forgot… my smoothie?" Leaning down over Claire." Tai is suddenly uncertain: "Did. We were." "I'm glad." Angus is a bit Marten-like: "That's good. Butt-grabs are Dora-code for 'I'm having fun." (Faye is dejected) "I… you… g##d###it. I-" KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK – on his bedroom door? He opens it to see Tai holding on to her phone." Gabby: "That's awful!" "I guess. (hands to face) And now I want this to work so bad. What's up? How'd the date go?" "Pretty well. billionaires? Why are you working in a coffee shop in Northampton?" "Isn't it obvious? This is all a simulation designed to teach me how to interact with people in the real world. it's not balanced y'know?" "Yeah… It's been a long time since I had an actual serious relationship." Marten: "He's a total fanboy for Hannelore's dad. like. how come you have such lousy luck with them?" "Well. Facepalming Marty: "I have got to get our lock fixed. I don't think he means any harm. but what brought that on?" "It was either that or punch a tree 'til it exploded. (nudges into an over-the shoulder hug) Thanks. if you're not feeling this. did he?" Hanners: "Everything he says is kind of weird. I TA them.") Hanners: "Quick." (Blackboard-vision!) "Can I ask you a question?" "Sure!" "Aren't your parents." "I… I had no idea. She said it did.'" Tai greets them – wearing a Chris Kluwe Vikings jersey! "Mornin' guys." Down the stairs: "It's just… I totally expected her to say no when I asked her out! I wasn't prepared to. but I meant. disturb you just now. except… I don't really feel that way about her yet. here we are. it'll be find. I have that same pair of boxers. I just needed someone to talk to." "See?" "Anyway." "The date went fine. meanwhile." "But he's done so much good for the world! Why don't you like him?" "I don't even KNOW him!" Hanners is unimpressed: "I don't know Sir Patrick Stewart but I like HIM. On my genitals. you wouldn't feel bad for him either. you're right." "Well. you're definitely college age. a little more information than I needed to-" 'WELL MAYBE WE DON'T NEED TO TALK ABOUT EVERY TIME ONE OF US IS DOING SEX STUFF" Momo: "Marigold! I was in the room!" "Do you really spank your bottom when you" "I WAS EXAGGERATING" Hanners: "One freshly-smooshed banana smoothie!" Claire: "Gross. and she pulls a banana out of her pocket: "I get to make it myself!" (pause) "Haha." "No problem. Concerned Angus asks Marigold: "Hey. I can't talk to THEM about Dora. he's creepy!" ("No. yeah." GUEST STRIP (Maritza Campos): Marten breaks Hannelore's brain. both of you pick a number between 1 and 256!" Claire chases Clinton out the door as Gabby watches: "Sssssssssss" (Okay." Dora is not impressed by Angry Faye: "…And if you had let me FINISH MY SENTENCE. but… I'm kinda freaking out and I need someone to talk to. uh… I don't really have 'other friends. screwing things up. help!" "Sorry.

" FLICK! Faye: "I'm prepared.) Emily skips in and hands Marten [GY!BE shirt!] an envelope. Marten. "What is this?" "Open it and see! Hee hee hee!" He looks – hearts? Tai appears: "Oh hey." "How big is your parents' lake house?" Faye in the waitress dress: "Hey butta$$." "Th-thanks. at least you made it here. Angus gets caught looking! SMACK! "OW!" Marigold: "What was that?" Both Angus and Faye: "Nothing" Faye. def"(AAH! AAAAH!) Tai tugs at Marten's shirt – SIGH. we've adopted another one. gonna get my swim on" Blushing Claire is blushing – which Cosette (and her polka-dot bikini) notices: "Twenty bucks and I'll let you grab his butt." "Mmm. all done. If they ever figure out mind uploading. then the big Ais must think faster." (The vast majority of my processing power goes toward maintaining my sentience." Stealth AI voice: "I never get to have any fun. then… Faye: " Muskrat muskrat muskrat muskrat" Steve: " Muskrat muskrat muskrat" . Clinton is here too." Faye: "Figures. Thinking on a human level is just another subroutine for them. Angus. I think I can make it." Tannelore: "Watch out for dragonfly larvae!" Meanwhile." "How many is a lot? A thousand? A thousand people would probably be too many. We foster understanding and acceptance between humans and AIs." Faye flicks out her knife and Momo hides behind Marten." "B-but…" "No buts!" (Faye waits outside her bedroom door for a moment." "It seems sad that you need a contract for making friends." Angus: "I'm gonna get into my swimsuit. down the stairs comes Steve." Emily is getting out the peppers: "Hooray. You must think way faster than we do." "I chose this for myself." Cut to Claire and Clinton – who is in nothing but a Speedo – standing on the edge of the dock: "For the love of god. there is no way to translate that kind of processing into human thought patterns. right?" "Are you seriously the only single dude here among all these beautiful ladies?" "A: shut up. I wanna be a toaster." (They do not think the same way you or I do. Companion AIs are the ambassadors of our kind. Why should it be frustrating. without penalty." She contemplates a green pepper as Marten stammers out a realization: "N-no. or any of my other friends." Emily smiles as she's helped a friend." Marten leans on the deck railing: "I know. use mine!" FSSSST "Ackpth!" "There." Hannelore notices something as she looks in her bag: "Shoot. I'm gonna go see if Emily needs help with food. (To Faye) Oh lord. then a shocked Faye closing the door) 2299 2300 2289 2301 2290 2291 2302 Marten: "No good?" Faye: "Too good. more friends!" Marten puts the cutting board down and asks the obvious: "When do your friends get here?" Emily: "You and Gabby are here already. and B: no. This one is ideally hydrodynamic. we try not to mention it in the brochures.) "If it's a matter of processing power." Both Steve and Marten look on. yeah." (closed door. if we didn't bring her. She said she had a ride. You are a computer science student. put on a different swimsuit" "No. too! There's plenty of room!" "All of them? I've kind of got a lot of friends. Either party can choose to end the relationship at any time. and mom will be mad if you're not back at the test facility by dark. Momo and Marigold are a bit taken aback – in the back) A nice little cottage on the lake." Emily continues the questions: "How does getting an AnthroPC work?" Momo (as she's plugging in to what looks like an MP3 player) "You go to a certified matchmaking service. I mean your other… oh. isn't it." Emily swims by: "Muskrat muskrat muskrat muskrat" The confused looks are exchanged. Swimming. you sign the contract. I cannot think of a more noble calling. "One of my interns is throwing a party. I'm not allowed to tell anyone. I forgot my sunscreen. a cookout + other fun things! I hope you are able to come! Emily Azuma  "Can you come?" "Daah! I. How do you not know any of this already?" "I spent all of AI 101 looking at cat gifs. this is a nice place." (Which @MarigoldFarmer actually posted to her twitter feed." Suddenly." Meanwhile. and if you get along and pass the background checks. what'd you think it was. with Claire looking on: "Aww yeah. cool. what's up?" Marten (with Tai in tow) "Emily the intern is throwing a party at her parents' lake house." "Nice to-" CRASH Marigold has found the SNES cartridges! "And that's Marigold. Marten: "Good thing I didn't invite a thousand people. and everything works out. Marigold had come in – and sees something: "IS THAT A SUPER NINTENDO" Marten tries to do the introductions: "You've met Faye – this is her boyfriend Angus. But in an ideal situation. "I just saw Steve and Cosette pull in." "Is it frustrating to have to slow your thought processes down to human speeds?" (What?) "You're a computer.2283 2284 2285 2286 2287 Emily and Momo chat once again: "Why do you work here?" "My friend Marigold bought me this chassis and I want to repay her. And if it were not for my job. I feel incredibly fortunate. Marigold and Momo are ready to head to Emily's party." Faye: "You can borrow one of mine! We're basically the same size. then knocks) "Well?" "I – I can't wear this!" "Here. lemme see. how's Hanners getting here?" Marten isn't sure: "I dunno." "You mean your owner?" "I am not property." Faye's in her suit. They introduce you to potential companion AIs. We entered into the standard mutual-companionship contract and are friends." Hannelore is all alone… and looks up at a slightly faded outline above her: "You wouldn't fit inside anyway." (Yes. Momo?" "My GPS indicates that we should turn here." Emily munches: "I like greem pepperth!" Steve is impressed: "####. There's… there's only one way out for me now…" "Cat GIFs?" "Lots of cat GIFs. Faye and Steve are in the water: "I really hope this is a rock I'm standing on and not a snapping turtle." Faye: "If she follows you home." "Hey guys!" (They all look up – at Hannelore hanging on a harness attached to… nothing!) "What… what did we just see?" Hannelore unbuckles her harness: "Nothing!" Marten's mind is still blown: "Seriously. Wanna come?" Dora comes in (with the pink offshoulder top) "Am I invited too?" "Oh yeah." Marten: "Oh. When you receive trillions of inputs at once. PRIMATE" (Jeph's giving up smoking) …and there's no commentary about the mask and hatchet… "Are we the first people here?" "Gabby's out on the dock." Faye: "You don't even know a thousand people. you got this one. uh. when the bulk of their attention is directed elsewhere?) "That's kind of creepy to think about. you're in charge of feeding her. Wandering over to see Marigold involved in SNES: "Battletoads?" "Yup. YELLING BIRD: "JUMP FOR IT. but the temporal experience of being sentient is not notably different. bro." "Why did you decide to be a companion AI and not a toaster?" "People seemed more interesting than making toast. Emily invited you too!" "This is an invitation?" "Yeah. Emily's luring us into the woods so she can hunt us for sport." Angus: "Turn where? You mean there? (Sign on a gravel driveway: "NO OUTLET") This is a trap." Emily is helpful: "Here." "I DON'T WANNA GRAB HIS lemme go get my wallet" Marten." Marten pokes his head in the front door with Momo: "Hello? Emily? Anybody home?" The four walk to the kitchen entrance – where Emily appears with hockey mask and hatchet! Angus: "Called it. and Claire and Tai should arrive any time now. a love letter?" (meaningful pause and eye roll) "OH MY GOD YOU ARE PRECIOUS" "Sh-shut up! Shut it all the way up!" 2292 2293 2294 2295 2296 2297 2298 2288 You are invited to a Party! When: This Saturday night to Sunday morning! Where: My parents' lake house! What: Games. the contract is merely a formality.) "AAAA! AAAUGH!" "What's wrong?" "I accidentally spoiled a plot point for a video game on Twitter and now the whole internet is mad at me!" "Did you try… apologizing?" "It's too late for that." Marten (as Gabby is still looking up nervously): "Well. Wanna come?" Faye is reading Gossip Rag on the couch at Angus' place as Marigold emerges to get a drink… in a tank-top and shorts." I LIKE VIDEO GAMES Faye notices something as they greet Gabby: "Wait. It is a job. an ORANGE HANNELORE appears! "There is a difference between sunscreen and tanning lotion" "There is?" Faye's a little cold: "Holy ####nipples that's cold!" Marten's already in the water (with a swimming noodle): "You get used to it. A true friendship forms. what was-" "Sorry." (Marten. (pulls USB connector out of her ear) Wait a minute. Faye: "Ready to go? Everyone got their swimsuits?" Marigold (looking down toward Momo): "I don't have a swimsuit. She looks better in it than I do. I would never have met Marigold. The signal pathways may be more efficient than your biological model." Marten and Angus at the same time: "Daaaaaaaaaaang" Marigold (still in the bedroom) "STOP DANGING ME" A Ford Focus drives through the woods of Central Massachusetts: "Where the #### are we?" "No idea. The damage has already been done. before Steve puts his hand on Marten's shoulder: "Yeah." "Yayyyy! You should invite all your friends.

" "Marten…" "What's up?" "I… I'm trans. what did you. it took longer than that." Claire: "Is there anything you wanna know?" (Marten: Whatever you feel comfortable tellin' me. and realizes: "This is stupid. you'll jinx it. toots." (said the older. * . No pressure. let's compromise.2303 2304 2305 2306 2307 2308 2309 2310 2311 2312 2313 2314 2315 2316 2317 2318 Just when you thought it was safe to float in the middle of the lake." Upset Marten is upset! "IWh. (Gotcha. This thing seizes up completely if it gets any water in it." Naked older lady: "Oh. Wear the bikini with a t-shirt over it.. Claire just holds her earnest look. AZ): Pintsize's new moneymaker: FANSUBS! English to Fandom translations! (Casually Racist Horsebabies. We tried moving Emily but she did that floppy boneless thing cats do when they don't wanna be picked up. like. in the dark. is clueless: "That doesn't make sense. Necrosis seems highly-" It was a fireworks accident Hannelore sees Marigold in the kitchen: "Aren't you going to go swimming?" "Nope..) You're right." Marigold asks the obvious question: "How'd you lose your hand. hello. that's okay. this just seems like the sorta thing you talk about over coffee.'After all?' Gimme that coffee back!" OMG Turkeys 2012! Exit Marten. it's a stupid idea." "No I don't! I look like a total flabosaurus!" Hanners: "You are not a flabosaurus!" Faye: "Okay. and I started transforming my first year in college." (There are RAFTS under the DECK) Emily and Marten greet the wayward duo of Dora and Tai: "We woulda got here like 3 hours ago but we took a wrong turn.) How did you know I wanted coffee. Maybe you're such a bad guy after all. Marten… SLOSH (What the-) SLPRSH THRASH SLOSH (Aaagh! Aaaaugh!!) BLOOSH Momo EMERGES! "Gabby wanted me to tell you the hotdogs are ready. Wouldn't that make your hand stronger?" Same with Momo: "At the very worst." "Yeah. looking away together: "Well…" Dora: "Theeth cookieth are AMATHING." Faye: "Dishwasher's runnin'." "I just… wanna make sure you're safe." Cosette: "Ohmigod. Wait There's A Game Seriuzly Since When) Marigold isn't sure: "Quixotic Enhancements for the Entitled Parasite. (to Gabby) What happened last night? ("You passed out super-early. (turns to his left) Faye's my-" "And he introduced me to so many nice people today!" "N-no prob" "And he showed me how to make a margarita. thanks. Claire. I'd prefer if you didn't just TELL everybody. welding and cupcake-making service impresses Angus GUEST STRIP (Spike from Templar.) Claire: "Even though he's a total jerk sometimes.." "Is that something they do?" "I'd rather not find out. GUEST STRIP (Lily Hoyda & "Tank"): Faye's babysitting. you DEFINITELY understand. That's just group therapy with booze." (pause) "Now let's get back inside before Faye and Angus start making slurping noises. are you a friend of our daughter's?" "Sssh.. I just meant I know you're. Clinton. well." Momo: "If you used the recommended synthetic covering.)" Clinton appears on the scene: "Is there any coffee left?" Marten: "Yeah.(Are you kidding? This is gonna be GREAT. what? The Party Montage – Hannelore. Emily's passed out – and the Azumas show up! Mom Azuma: "Er. Then it's their turn." Drunk Emily wants to play a drinking game! Faye: "Okay. She looks cute in it. to validate how you look." "But I'm not at a save point!" Emily: "I'm sticking around for a while. overweight nudist). it should reappear in 96763 seconds with an amazing cup of espresso. I'm fighting Kefka. we all sit in a circle. you take a drink and say something nice about the person to your left. this is 24 North Pine Island Road." "You gotta unfair mechanical 'vantage!" Tai and Gabby – in the 2319 2320 2321 2322 2323 2324 2325 2326 2327 2328 2329 lake." Angus: "And I have an amazing ####. (I should ask – how open do you want me to be about this?) Um. not that you need me. I can give her a ride back to town." Emily settles in on the chair next to Marigold… and the daylight becomes dusk… and then becomes night. that is a rude question!" "No no. (noticing her look) You okay? (Yeah. anyway?" "Marigold. I'm gonna go back inside. OF WHICH I HAVE HAD SEVERAL" (Faye) "AND HE HAS FUNNY HAIR" (bonk) "I know it's my turn. I guess? Like. EITHER GET KISSY OR GO BACK INSIDE" "Nice friends." Emily's turn! "Marten is a good person to work with" Marten: "Aw. like CREEPY.") I am never drinking again. Emily turns. Emily (SNIP!) and Claire: "Whoa!" "You're next!" "Get away" Clinton and Steve: "Pinned you again! Take another shot. Claire and Clinton have a family talk: "Thanks for not spilling the beans. I know a good one! (Please elucidate) Well. a wary eye on Marten) "Hm." "You're the best little brother I could ever ask for. I've been on hormone replacement therapy since then. But you're really fun to pick on. A barrell of monkeys could do better. but I better move before she barfs on me. you would not have that problem. you!" Tai (who is playing cards with the older guy): "You sure you don't wanna come with us?" "No." Clinton: "You smell.. or 'I secretly wanna be convinced to wear it' reluctance?" (Marigold's been discovered) "…Can it be both?" Faye: "Okay. nervous about that bathing suit. Cosette: "Marigold was the last werewolf!" "What?!" "I knew it!" Faye. you young folks have your fun. sans t-shirt* and runs into Marten in the kitchen: "Hey.) You're one of 'em now!" (meaningful pause) "I'm-" "HEY ASSFARTS (Enter drunk Faye and drunk Angus) YER OCCUPYIN' PRIMO MAKEOUT REAL ESTATE.) Steve: "I love you man! I love you!" Marten: "Dude we have talked about this" (a LONG time ago) Marten wanders out onto the dock – finding Claire." Angry stare. Right. in the buff: "Skinny dipping is kinda boring when it's just two people. Is this 'I'm genuinely uncomfortable with this swimsuit' reluctance. (Did you stack them in the closet?) Steve went to bed on his own." (I wouldn't call it amazing. You're lookin' for South Pine Island Road. About me. lookin' good! (blush) I – I didn't mean that to be. I don't mind talking about it." "Yeah." [Actually." "Y-you did? (turns and swipes the coffee from a surprised Marten) He wasn't a #### about it. Marigold." Hannelore: "Dora is patient with me even when the espresso machine makes a loud noise and scares me and I have to hide in the back room for a while. hang on.. Pause You have nice friends. it might lead to some sort of repetitive stress injury. I'm. was he?!" "What? No! He was really nice!" (Clinton sips the coffee." Happy Emily (still with a double ahoge): "Yay! Thank you!" One person's still not ready to go. "We've lost Steve as well as Emily shouldn't be! 'Cause it looks really good! (digging himself deeper) I mean.)" Claire suddenly wants to "trade seats with somebody. lemme get you some. don't you. Theriouthly. Mimosa?" "Ooh. and when your turn comes up." Clinton is out of the water." "If my calculations are correct. just getting some air." It's… HANDELORE! GUEST STRIP (Veronica Vera. stage right. which one?" Hanners: "Ooh." "*Sigh* I know." Faye enters: "Mornin'. it scares me too!" Faye: "Angus puts up with my ####. I thought you'd like to know that about me. he's still a good brother. Bittersweet Candy Bowl): Emily has a question: "What would your nose do?" Turns out – DISCO PARTY! GUEST STRIP (Special Saturday Edition): Wait a minute – who the heck are these hacks who put together THIS guest strip? C'mon." . sure. It should be on your own terms. anyway? (I dunno. however: Marten: "Time to go. but if they straight up ask." She comes out of the bathroom. no." "Why not? Is it the swimsuit?" Faye: "Dunno why. (closing his eyes dramattically) It all started back when I was thirteen years old" Claire: "He jacked off so much his hand withered into a claw and fell off. Emily is speechless and embarassed! Marten: "And it took you 3 hours to find the right street?" Tai and Dora. and talking to a very wet Momo: "You're lucky.) Okay. Marten." Claire: "I told Marten. but." Emily wakes with a headache – and a Double Ahoge! "Muh. quiet but honest. Repeat of 1948: Raven's got the Espressosaur figured out! RRRRUMBLE KRAK FLASH! "Wh. I identify as female. of course. Danielle Corsetto) Your feet are soft… wait.") Aww (grabbing her now-shorn hair) Oh my god where did my hair go ("You chopped it off. GUEST STRIP (Special Sunday Edition.] GUEST STRIP (Wes and Tony): Pintsize discovers it's not easy being Marten GUEST STRIP (Bryant Paul Johnson): Spaceship comes down to visit – but with a catch. yes please!" Cleanup time! Tai: "The beds are made!" Steve: "I put all the bottles in the recycling bin. Hanners. Marigold. You Don't See It Cuz You're A Homophobe. (That's not really a GAME." Dora and Tai are somewhat SHOCKED when they realize: "Sorry." "You really worry about accidentally outing me." (Oh. Thanks for tellin' me." Faye: "I understand." Hanners: "Genius" Marigold's got the t-shirt on in the bathroom.This is where the problems started. because likeohgodshutup" CHUGCHUGCHUG The Drawing Of Claire. I'll thell 'em at my thop. and so on. on the back deck." "Don't thank me. or anyone. Marigold (smug). And… since we're friends." "Does that mean you'll pick on me less?" "I'll try.

" "Feces and lice and two-week-dead mice. and if I don't see here face in the next 3 seconds.) "I wonder where Pintsize sleeps." "How do you monitor myaaaAAAAAAAGH!" The ArachnoPC! "Don't be nervous! There are no wrong answers!" (Reassuring pats on the shoulder aren't working for Marten." THERE IS NO SAM HERE THERE IS ONLY SKULLMASTER." "Does that mean it's not too late to return him?" "Nah. Reed. I'm allergic to internet memes. in order to pair you up with your ideal companion AI. MASTER OF SKULLS (Dora: "Holy crap." (You're my best friend. but I do not require the same sort of creature comforts as a human does.) "I like to go to the hospital for lunch." Marten's a bit incredulous: "You can figure out what kind of person I am just from this?" CC-APC: "We also monitor your body's autonomic responses as you fill it out." Faye: "Poor kid. Screaming little $#!+machines." Dora: "It's really weird seeing you play with a kid. @$$€$." "I like Sam. In Marten's room?" (Momo's sarcasm subroutine kicks in: "In a Faraday cage? Duct taped to the wall? In a lead-lined box at the bottom of the ocean?") Dora: "So what's next on the dinosaur coffeemaker agenda? Diplodocus? Triceratops?" Faye is not impressed: "Meh. I just wanna make sure you're comfortable." ("my head please get off it" ) "…Then they brought out Pintsize." "No.) "Are you sure?" (Yeah." [Pintsize is snapping into a Slim Jim next to Marten] "I guess we'll never know. that kid is ripe. (The orange is tossed. Sam? Don't you have school?" "School's out for the summer. pulling down the sword from the ceiling." "Well then." Enter… SAM! "Anomalocaris was a flat." "And I'd behave if I didn't find human parties so dull. I'll call him now. free-swimming. She shows great potential for future mayhem. I can sleep perfectly well sitting up. because ### ####. Sartorially. and now here he is going to parties all weekend. But there's a lot of different ways to do this job. CC-APC: "Okay Mr." [Callback to 2124!] (I do not need a bed." (Jeph: Upgrading to a chassis that wears clothes has drastically increased Momo's living-space footprint." "But… but that is all wrong! You were frightened of Gordon! That would have completely thrown off your biometrics. I'm extending it to a MONTH. it worked out all right in the end. I'm done with dinos." YELLING BIRD: Holiday strips 2012 – and we finally discover Sweetits real name: Harriet! HOLIDAY COLORING FUN TIME! Pintsize as a GOOD robot – or BAD. looks at it and frowns) THAT one? (looks ahead) Gordon. then?" [FLASHBACK – the real one] CC-APC: "Okay. Which means I can relax a little. leading to a totally inaccurate compatibility rating with Pintsize!" "You mean…" "You should not have been assigned Pintsize as your companion. it's okay. You're not gonna 'get in the way'.. complete with skull "masks") "Well you better FIND her. but I'm not sure about the horizontal layout…" Dora: "Does your dad know you're here?" "Yes. And our insurance policies. Duh. dear. anyway? You seem so… different." Faye's considering Anomalocaris Carafe: "We'd have plenty of room for the parts. because she's ALREADY grounded for a week. actually PLAY." "Well. Skullmaster did!" "Well. You don't have to come get her. It's over 99% accurate." ANOTHER YEAR VANQUISHED BY SKULLMASTER. that's what little girls are made of. um. Noooo . we're back. I DID the companion thing." "Ugh. yes. segmented animal…" DAAAH! Faye's impressed by this: "Ooh.) Introspective moment: "Do I give you enough space?" "Emotionally. We seem to have acquired your offspring.) "I know." "Here's the price sheet for our various chassis options. Sam swings… How the heck did it get stuck in the ceiling?) On second thought. these are all really expensive. I'm happy with him. (Faye gives her a look…) I mean. you're here to find an AnthroPC companion?" "Uh." Emily meets Pintsize! "Ooh! Hello!" "Hel- 2341 2342 2343 2344 2345 2335 2346 2336 2347 2337 2348 2349 2350 2338 2339 2340 2351 2352 2353 2354 LO!" DONK! <-9999 HIT POINTS!> (Later on: Emily holds the bag of peas on her hand as she is near tears) "His head looked soft! I thought it would be soft!" "And your first instinct was to punch him?" (0 1 1 2 3 5 8 13 21 34 55 89 144…) Momo brings up a question to Marigold: "Do I give you enough space?" (Huh?) "I mean… you are making lots of human friends now." "Sorry. your evaluation is in! [ Sign behind her: ROBOTS ARE YOUR FRIEND!] (takes paper down from a "grip" from the ceiling. we're going to have you fill out this short questionnaire." Emily enters Casa del Marten! "Your apartment is very blue!" Apologetic Marigold (with Hanners) "Thanks for watchin' Momo." [Momo is SHOCKED! Marten is TICKED! Pintsize is trying not to GIGGLE!] "There was no sex involved. Still. (Sam is wielding the battlesword as Faye prepares to fling an orange in the background) No. no." Pintsize: "Well it's my headcanon and you should respect that. our current arrangement is fine. you're both grounded. I was Marten's only friend here for two years. BUT I INTEND TO FIND OUT." Momo asks the question: "How did you and Pintsize end up as companions." "How did it really happen. I got caught up in the game and-" "Nonsense! It's wonderful to meet one of our daughter's friends!" Emily: "Actually. let's go." "You and Marigold have a different dynamic. Butts. He's got plenty of friends now. problem. I took him home. MASTER OF SKULLS "What's up?" "Faye wants to have kids!" "Not definitely. And our criminal liability agreement. and Marigold's even more so) "I… I see…" Hannelore rises! "What day is it?" "Do you know her?" Emily shrugs: "Sort of!" "Hey Pintsize. then? Or zombies?" "Robot bacon zombie coffee ninja UGH." "thank you. if if makes you feel better. we barely know each other at all!" (Mom's unsure." "What do you do all day. she doubled down!") "But I didn't say those things. he's jut got a LIFE now.) "Maybe we should get bunk beds. MASTER OF SKULLS (aka Sam on Faye's shoulders. Marigold. so" "YOU MEAN I COULDA BEEN WITH A HOT CHICK THIS WHOLE TIME?!" Marten given Faye the scoop: "…So it turns out I shouldn't have ended up with Pintsize after all. I could use some more closet space. your own room or anything?" (No." (sheepish Marigold is sheepish) "I'm really sorry for staying too long." Momo has a seat: "Do you get bored being left here by yourself?" Marten: "I'd invite him along if I thought he'd behave. you know. I should probably go over our return procedure. are you SURE about this?" Gordon the ArachnoPC: "The biometrics look good to me!" (Marten: "please get off my head") "O-okay. (Okay. no.) Marigold queries while Momo lets her hair down: "Do you want.) Jim is not happy: "Okay." (I appreciate the thought.2330 2331 2332 2333 2334 Dinner with the 'rents: "The peas are excellent today." "Obtuse metaphor correlating credit rating with ##### size." "Okay. uh." "Neither do I." Momo is surprised! "You mean you're not friends anymore?!" "W'ere still friends." "Why do you hate money?" "I don't hate money." "I never though about it like that. I'm just tired of dinosaurs. You're in big trouble. Then Steve came along. Like. and the rest is history. and I do not want to get in the way." Alternate reality: Marten rides his CetaPC Robot WHALE!!!! YELLING BIRD: Hammered! Pintsize SNAPS INTO A SLIM JIM! Nyomnyom… "WHAT ARE YOU DOING" "SAVORING it." "What're you guys talking about?" "Oh. somebody's been working on their sneaking skills!" Dora asks the obvious question: "What are you doing here. I wonder what kinda robot you were supposed to end up with. can you come get her and Faye?" (Sam is on Faye's shoulders." Pouting Dora pouts: "I was just trying to be helpful." "Hmm. then Marten) "Well. The usual. what kind of limbs did he get? GUEST STRIP (Mel McDonald/Rachel Eddin): Antoinette Banemoon – the Graphic Novel! (Go back to 1526 to get the reference) Shame Orb hungers – it eats shame and poops… gas station burritos? Randy eats HOPE." (Meaningful pause as man and robot frown at each other. yeah. My job is done. Sam. no." Apparently. (pause) Although I really hope her punishment includes mandatory showers." Momo's taken aback: "Why did you sign up to be a companion AI if all you want to do is look at pornography all day?" "Hey. she didn't get a hold of him: "Hey Jim? Dora. then?" "Do you have any idea how much pornography there is on the internet?" "Ugh. I do not need much space. and then he met Faye. not just mess with her. I wanna do something interesting." (pause) PUNY MORTAL! YOUR FEEBLE THREATS ARE NOTHING TO SKULLMASTER." "Hey. Even if he is an @$$ sometimes." [FLASHBACK!] Companion Connection [Your Friend In Robotics] APC: "So." "Wow. Absolute skull power corrupts skulls absolutely. I'm just not rulin' it out. what about robots. He does make me look like a better roommate by comparison. before you meet your new companion. like. (disrobing) let's see if you qualify for our 'discount program'.

he's the jerk! Haven't you been listening?" <MarBear> is mining with her Tauren warrior. I knew all the bands you liked WAY before they were popular. all your friends I've met have been really attractive. My parents got divorced 'cause my dad was cheating on my mom. um… I computer. My parents are still friends and my dad's fiancé is a good dude. It isn't my responsibility to make sure you open your mail on a timely basis. Xena. so it wasn't really working out. We all sat on the floor while they played." "I… I could give you something else as a tip…" "No. can you run these forms over to the dean's office for me?" RIP! "I don't take orders from a homewrecker. it's cool. she's got really bad OCD and anxiety and stuff." "I'm not the jerk. but it turned out okay." "Yeah." "Luckyyyy (pause) Wait. you said you'd be coming when I first brought it up. but when school's in session it gets pretty hectic. I knew who J.'" "As if you'd handle baby-poo any better." Claire: "Can I keep this? It makes me feel… powerful." (Claire: "The what?") Hannelore: "I've never made so many drinks in my entire life." "What about you. Super intimate. talking to Marten on the phone: "Hi son. I know you don't 2369 WHUD Vanquished in one swing! <MarBear> does the 2360 victory dance! (cut to Dale looking at the scene on his screen) Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang Emily plays with Claire's hair: Fluff fluff fluff. (pause for pouting Claire) …What?" "Oh look at me. you do crowd control while I go get her Ativan. moose horns. maybe you want to be the worst son ever." Hanners is trying to understand. hidden behind Claire: "Sssh!" Hannelore: "Hey Marten! Faye and Dora left me in charge of the shop! Isn't that great?" "Uh. and it means I'm doin' something different every day. That must've been hard. fluffy fluff fluffy (Uh…) "M-my hands are stuck!" (Agh! Aaagh!) Marten: "Hang on. Claire is eyeing the broadsword in her hand) All right. but if I did. really. nobody ever compliments my shoulders. plaid. You think I never got poop on me?" "I wonder if I ever pooped on Sven. I HAVE a little sister." Claire's remorseful as Emily looks on: "I'm sorry. They're all low-pressure gigs.(pause again." "Just cuddling?" Dora (eyes closed) "We're taking things slow. But she's come a long way since I first met her. we should get back to work. I'll call the paramedics." (Dale and Hanner exchange glances) Dale: "All right. Next time they leave me in charge." "Haha. If she's still doing it when I get back." Dora: "Good." J Mascis is playing at the Calvin! Claire listens to "this and that. Emily imagines what kind of hairstyle Tai really has (leopard print." Hanners (Still Tan) and Marigold are waiting on the couch when KNOCK KNOCK "Oop! Pizza's here!" Dale! "$14." Defensive Dora: "Yeah." Claire: "Hannelore's so pretty. with eyes rolled: "Not enough. so. yeah. A big stupid Alliance jerk." "EWW! People DO that?!" Dale explains: "I deliver pizza." "No. uh-" (cut to scene where Dale's munching on the pizza on the couch. bus tables. I saw them play a tiny little show upstairs of a record store. that's good. Rghfrghl.2355 2356 2357 2358 2359 thanks. I'd rather he have the gerbil. it's okay." "No no! I insist! Come in!" (Dale isn't sure) "I. I've had to break up fights.50. tops. I changed DIAPERS." Emily: "I never do anything weird!" Marten: "My parents split up when I was a kid too. that's horrible. you know?" "Oh jeez." Marten: "Put down the sword. while Marigold eyes him suspiciously) "Whew." Claire's been growing out her hair for four year now. but lines are POLITE. good. then) Emily: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA" (Emily collapses into giggles with her head buried in her arms on the counter) Marten: "What did you do?!" "I don't." "Man. Turns out my dad's gay." Tai: "Hey Claire." Tai: "Seriously! I'd never diddle another person's lady without their express permission!" Claire: "I'm just really sensitive about that. Coffee shop lines are full of cranky people who need caffeine. okay. rams horns. I won't say anything to Dora or Faye. I had a dream last night where I got into a fight with my vulva because it was MAD at me. (pause) Marten." "Girl." Hanners: "Having so many different jobs must be complicated!" "It's not that bad. "I haven't been laid since I broke up with MARTEN. but what's with the huge line of people?" (Hannelore's crazy eyes) "I'm paralyzed by 2361 2370 2371 2362 2372 2363 2373 2364 ." Marten thinks "You'd be a pretty cool mom. maybe? Can I even do a push-up?" (Claire sulks) Claire explains to Emily: "And then I said. Tai isn't a natural redhead." Marigold isn't impressed: "Fffffffff" "Why do you hate Dale so much? He seems nice!" "He's a jerk." "You obviously haven't been there during finals week. I do like this one indie band Low. have I started an arms race?' (Claire's trademark frozen face – which Marten chooses to ignore) "Pushups. I shouldn't have assumed the worst. right?" Dora's left out: "Hey. That was years ago. Jeph was getting weird on us. when I first moved up here. have I started an arms race?" (one panel beat. (pause) Okay. I'll call public safety." "That kind of makes you sound like a jerk." "Yes." (all four in the Awkwardness Zone) Claire." Marten explains: "Yeah. floppy pink bunny ears." "Right on." "I wouldn't trust Pintsize with a gerbil. What exercise gives you good shoulders?" "Oh no. Hordie? What do you do for a living?" "I DESTROY THE ALLIANCE (pause as her anger subsides and she realizes what she said) I mean. "oh no." "I'm not joking. the SOBBING. do something weird to distract us." Claire: "Yeah?" "Yeah. I'm glad you can make it." "I dunno. and then it'd be 'hey Dora where's your baby?' 'Oh I left it in the woods to be raised by wolves. I was afraid you were gonna offer to bone me." Faye: "I know.) Faye: "So how're things goin' with Tai? I didn't see y'all much at the lake house." "Given the choice." "Aww! When are they getting married?" (pause while Marten realizes something) "I should probably open that 'save the date' card they send me. walk dogs… I do a lotta stuff." Marten's dad (Henry. the lady at the counter-" Third person. Things." "So what you're saying is I should buy some earplugs. Two semesters ago the computer network went down and it sounded like friggin' Yog-Sothoth crashing a sorority party. Don't be afraid to use the sword if you have to. even Steve?" (Blushing Claire is RED) "GOD yes. Well. Beep boop. I'll tell them what happened." Faye's a bit confused at that." "Actually." "This whole conversation is making me glad I'm an only child. we'll be back in an hour. god. and I was just trying to share an interesting anecdote. huh." Marten: "Yeah. There was lots of cuddling." "I would've been freaking out too if I had that huge line of people to handle on my own." Tai: "Oh jeez." Faye: "Until you got pooped on for the first time. have you heard of them?" "Oh yeah. Random blonde customer: "What's going on anyway?" Random larger dude: "I dunno. Henry's getting a bit perturbed) I know we hadn't set a date yet. (Meanwhile." Tai (to Marten): "What did you tell her?!" Marten. how's it going? (pause) Yes." Marten: "You did good. And the sobbing. Mascis. to Emily: "C'mon. it's two weeks from now." Hannelore panics as she peruses her pink wallet: "I… I don't have enough to tip you!" "It's cool." "It WAS! My vulva and I are normally FRIENDS! And it's not normally 8 feet tall and swinging a baseball bat at my head!" Claire is SURPRISED: "You used to date DORA?!" "Yup. I'm mister cool indie guy. big green afro – and Dragonball Z?)… and starts giggling uncontrollably! Tai: "Should we be worried?" Marten: "I'm gonna go get some coffee. Computer things. I should start working out or something. Thanks for the pizza. as she puts away the pizza box: "He's a jerk because you play on opposite sides in a video game. Fluffy fluffy fluffy." "Really? 'Cause the library's dead during the summer. are you li-" (Both) "SSSSSH" Claire and Marten see the line coming out the door." "Very funny.I just-" (A drawing of several arms running the end of a marathon… Yes. Those shoulders." "Mm." "It's J. Marty? You ever think about bein' a dad?" "I feel like I should probably start with a pet or something. apparently. I need to know my limits. for those who forgot). I'd be good as #3|| at it. That's why I sent you the card. Don't worry about the plane tickets. can I get a" "SSSH I'm watching the shop. There were like 50 people there. You sure you can handle things while we're gone?" "Yes ma'am!" (Staring Hannelore is staring…. you're an adult. aren't Dora and Tai-" "Yeah its… complicated. I better get back before they wonder what happened to me. hordie." "It was rough. (turns to Marigold) What about you." (Next girl comes in) "Excuse me. yeah. Customer comes in) "Hi." Hanners: "No. Then suddenly out comes an Alliance assassin from behind the bushes! 2365 2366 2367 2368 the responsibility! Isn't that great?!" "Claire. thank you!" "Later." "Well." (Faye covers her mouth to suppress a grin) "That's *snrk* terrible." "It's not too late. much less a baby. I'd be a cool mom too!" Marten: "You just said you didn't want kids." [ReaderCon '09 t-shirt for Claire!] Dora: "Okay Hanners. I'll take an Ativan beforehand. fluffy fluffy fluffy. Mason was back when he had an ACTUAL FIRST NAME. I do computer.

" "I'd go. (It's okay. watcha drinkin'?" "Single malt older than you. and now she's a professional dominatrix. Weddings are just so romantic. is that okay? (Claire didn't think about that: "Y-yeah." Mom: "So. He has such a gentle nature. but it seems kind of silly if driving would be faster. Nice to meet you. are you sick?" "I felt fine until this morning and then I didn't feel fine anymore. looks at his phone: "Wait. hon?" "You're definitely not interested in having children. Dad runs a fancy nightclub down in Miami. Sorry about the whole plane ticket mess. I'm just glad you're here." "I don't HAVE a date." Marten tends to the g-lined Claire) (Claire has switched to something with a straw while Marten listens to DomMom problems): "There's nobody in the SCENE I'm interested in romantically." "I'm impressed." Mom (goes to pinch Marten's cheek) "So." (Marten pauses." "Forget about it. If you wanna start dating again." "But now we'd have to worry about MOOSE!" Back at home. Can Momo and Winslow keep an eye on you this weekend?" "Y-yes." Mom. I want. He used to sell weed to my friends back in college." (Marten gives his mom "the look") "It was the '70's! We didn't know any better!" "Yeah. We wanted to keep this evening low-key. uh." The look: "Funny. like. they don't get in 'til tomorrow morning. This whole wedding thing has me all broody. sorry. Hanners?" "Commercial airliners are DISEASE FACTORIES! I don't wanna get sick!" [SPECIALS: Ghost Pepper Mocha. go for it. Gotta get our handsome-sleep!" Dad: "Will you keep an eye on your mother? She seems… stressed. Who knows. the whiskey isn't agreeing with Claire." "Oop! Sorry!" A rather obviously drunk mom toasts Henry and Maurice… "Mom." Dora: "And with Faye out of town I can't afford to take the weekend off. you know? <Sorry. Claire: "Seriously? (takes the tie in hand) Here. how am I supposed to get there now?" Tai's surprised at the news: "And now you don't even have a RIDE?" Marten shrugs: "I could use the plane ticket my dad bought me. you look more like a Clarice to me. Feel better soon. "I know it's supposed to be a casual ceremony. (to Hannelore) Well. Buffalo Scones. >" (Mom!) "And after the way his last two relationships went. then realizes something) "$#!+." Family talk. it's okay. maybe I'll just-" Mad Mommy voice: "Do as your mother says and drink it. I thought I smelled a gonorrhea infection. He's prime boyfriend material.>" (Claire is blushing! Marten's seen this before: MOM) Oblivious mom is oblivious! "Sorry. we're going to call it an early night. She may bring several dates.> I need a drink. You need to get some rest. right?" "I can't really afford the fancy stuff…" "Good think I'm buying then. Dad's fiancé Maurice is a golf instructor. sitting on the bed: "You look great!" A pause as he stands up. "You think I can get away with not wearing a tie?" (Pff. To the bar!" Marten hugging dad (while Maurice looks on): "Hey dad." Marten: "Wanna come to the wedding then? Free food and you'd get to meet my weird-@$$ family. We didn't want to go too extravagant. She may bring a date to the wedding." She tries to tie it. VERMONT?" Marten: "Oh. Marten. (Marten sees Claire pass out) I used to have a six pack! A six pack!" ("Put it away. right?" (hugging him) "I told you before. Henry and Maurice . And with your hair and his eyes." "Oh." "It's okay. it's actually Claire. I don't want kids." "Yes ma'am my name is Clarice from now on ma'am" "You've got your dom-voice on. (pause) Love you too. Hannelore comes in – covered in a robe: "Muh… Marten… I don't think I can go to the wedding with you…" "Oh jeez. Claire." (blush) "Henry Reed." "Would I need a fancy dress?" "It's supposed to be pretty casual. uh… I usually sleep in my boxers. why did dad buy me TWO plane tickets?" Faye: "So you can bring a date." "Nnice to meet you." (Uhm. I'll take it. but with a line of cocaine instead of pasta. (to Claire) "And who's this lovely young lady?" "This is my friend Claire." Maurice: "All right. this is my dad. Vicky. dear! I'm fine!" (the tears that are suddenly welling up are saying she's lying) OH GOD I'M SO LONELY (meanwhile.uh-" Maurice: "Isn't he? And he's got a really big-" "I'LL BE AT THE BAR WITH MOM" "Hey mom." Maurice: "Oh great. he's finally reaching the point where he has some stability in his life. pondering: "What was the name of that band we had play? Black something? Black Flag?" Marten: "YOU ARE $#!++ING ME.<It would be a good time to start thinking about kids. I doubt Maurice is wearing one. the exact opposite of our wedding. dummy." Claire with the blue dress (sans glasses)! "Do I look okay?" Marten. maybe try online dating this time. I could give you a lift. Rehearsal dinners are like wedding purgatory. I'm really sorry." "What about you. [I thought he was a wetlands preservation environmental engineer?] Mom used to be a really well-known fetish model. (Well. then?" Dad: "That wasn't so much a wedding as a three-ring circus. has a seat on the couch. I think he really needs someone calm. collected… maybe someone who really likes books…<I've always thought he'd be a wonderful father." Claire's nearly passed out on the bar. Sorry hon. who needs a hand up to get back on her stool) "It's been so long since I had any kind of meaningful relationship… ("W-well if that's something you want. mom. my uncle's pretty chill. but you should at least put on some pants. and I have no idea how to meet people outside of it." "Um. like. whatev…er…") Are you sure? (Hiding behind the bathroom door: "I would've been fine but now you've got me thinking about it and it's awkward") Well excuse me for not just dropping my pants right in front of you." (I was waiting to change in the bathroom) Marten can't remember how to tie a stupid necktie. I can SEE it. aren't they getting married in. fill you in on some family stuff. twenty puggles. (BLUSH) "So… handsome… (CRIMSON) I 2381 2382 2383 2384 2385 2386 2387 2388 2389 2390 2391 mean. it's up in the northern part of the state. You like scotch. at CoD. a double for my son here. I can FEEL myself aging. so I guess it's up to-" (Claire runs off!) "Back in a couple hours! Gotta buy a fancy dress!" (book levitates while Tai says: "Hey!") Off they go in Claire's green Mazda3! [74A-GH3] "Before we get there I should probably. and – the Quintuple Windsor? "Uh-" IT'S FINE IT'S PERFECT Marten & Claire catch up with mom by the elevator.2374 2375 2376 2377 2378 2379 2380 have much spare cash. it's feral hogs you really have to watch out for." "Yeah." Claire takes a sip) You don't unnerstand. Bartender." (Wait: where are they getting married?) Marten. from Claire's POV?. Bye. I'm surprised you're here." Dad (serious. uh-) "You know." Claire (overhearing): "I've got nothing to do this weekend. someone appears to have forgotten that Maurice and Henry live in FLA – which doesn't allow gay marriage…) Dora: "Wait.) $#!+! LUBE! I knew I forgot to pack something!" (WELP GOOD NIGHT) Good thing there were two beds… Claire: "So sleepy… must put on PJs…" Marten: "Oh." "I thought you were going to warn me about." Mom: "Thank god. Marten: "So where's everybody else?" Dad: "Oh. are you… all right?" "O-of course. This wedding just has me all moody." Hanners: "Yeah. She's an intern at the library." Maurice – who's looking ever younger: "What's up. what do you think of my son? Handsome. Jane." [ALTERED STRIP ALERT!] Marten's mom meets the two at the lodge! "This is my friend Claire. Really $#!++y Granola] Faye: "But if you don't go. like. collected… maybe someone calm." "Nah. [Note: it's actually a little less than three hours from Northampton to Burlington] It would take you longer to fly there. but I'm s'posed to go down to the city with Angus that weekend. (Marten: "Yeah…") I'm sorry for dumping my problems on you. Why do you ask?" "Why are you flying there?" "Well. a racist uncle or something. if you come with me we won't have to worry about plane-diseases." Marten takes a sniff of the glass. who will protect Marten from all the voracious cougars?" Marten does NOT like the reference: "PRETTY SURE I don't have to worry about that.) A short brown haired lady meets them in the lobby: "Marten! Oh. sorry." "I really want to go with you! M-maybe I'll feel better tomorrow and" "It's okay. yeah. in my TWILIGHT YEARS… ("You're fifty-six. you should be in bed right now." Marten: "Y-yeah. and suddenly TEQUILA MONSTER! "Yesssssssssss" "I. Mom: "I should really get to bed. 11 AM and you're not at the bar! Or did you drink all their scotch last night?" "I must admit. this is like 90 minutes away by car. Marten. isn't he?" (I. Last I heard. I'm sure you could-" Claire sizes up the drink) And now here I am." Mom's at the bar – with drunk bubbles: "Marten! Clarice!" "Hey mom. mom. maybe you'll meet someone tomorrow and hit it off." Dad: "Anyway. it's going to be a pretty small affair. so it must be pretty far…" (hands Dora his phone with the map) "Marten. but gets a bit flustered when she realizes she'd forgotten – and how close she is to Marten. sure. Now ours sounds all boring. uh. how did you meet dad?) You know that scene in Lady and the Tramp where they're slurping up both ends of a noodle and end up kissing? (Y-yes…) It was like that. you look so precious in your suit!" Veronica recognizes her "old friend": "Oh. Claire. to Maurice): "If 'boring' means we don't need multiple ambulances by the end of the first dance. the babies would be absolutely.

WE DID THIS." Jane pulls out her camera: "Ooh.) What. and there was pain. Maurice." (Thanks for having me. Flashback: Claire tries on dresses! (Green. be a good boy and look away. (Of course!) Thank you for coming too. Cicero. Marten." Mom doesn't like that comment. uh." Marten has a seat on the couch: "The weird thing was. It WAS pretty funny watching some of the other parents 'recognize' her on Career day. Last night it just tasted like horrible burning. Jeph warned us: "The next strip will be nothing but Steve eating a bowl of cereal." "Your hands didn't wander anywhere naughty." Henry's perturbed: "I didn't say I hated it!" Back at the apartment: "And then I woke up and she was." "Look on the bright side – at least you didn't get barfed on and headbutted in the junk." (Yes. mother." (Y-you too. Tai ." "Good to see you. boobs! Boobs!" Claire and Marten return to the room: "Ahahahah oh my GOD" "That was the most insane reception EVER." Meanwhile. watching something on her laptop. when… OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ (Tai's phone is vibrating) And on the screen: "what am I doing tonight OH NOTHING JUST HANGING OUT WITH ELLEN ALLIEN" – and a photo of Marten doing a weird metal gesture while Ms. that was good. But love was still there. Henry in a white tux – and tie. rather uncomfortably) My BABY BOY." She turns to him: "Thank you for biringing me along. Thanks." (looks at him) "What?" "Nothing!" Claire asks the obvious question about the honeymoon: "Hawaii. And maybe a little bit of… old leather? (looks down at the drink as everyone looks on astonished) That's weird. HENRY." Claire is massively confused: "Um… what did that have to do with Hawaii?" Henry: "Just humor her." Maurice." (Crunchos are yummy!) Marten wakes up to the sunlight – but this time.) …oh god that sounded dumb… Good job marriage. no Claire! He turns and sees that she's in her own bed. growing up. Even though he took the BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE and THREW IT ALL AWAY. darling.) What's wrong? (Not talking to you. And that is why I'm so happy to be here today." Maurice: "Horses never forget. "You too. although your noble steed is now grazing on the azaleas. reaches for the light switch." "Marten. and Claire's response: "That's it?" ROBOT FIGHT! Pintsize loses Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots with Momo. Her real speech: "I think we can all agree that marriage is about love. But love can be a complicated thing. the Blue Dress. but that's beside the point. yeah. There was recrimination. I'm gonna go get some more eggs. buddy. we just kept it quiet. while PT410x. my subconscious has reached a terrifying new level of subtlety. Bpitch Control Ellen Allien? (Hallo. Sometimes it means knowing when to let go." Old Lady: "You look just like your father when he was young!" Claire: "Who were all those people?" Marten: "I have no idea.") "Vicky" explains to Claire (over a mimosa): "We don't have much extended family. Henry's son? I mean you knew that. WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL. good.. No idea how I turned out so boring. CUDDLING me. FOJ – sensing a theme?) "Nice suit." The wedding! Gray-haired officiant. (pulls Marten to her chest. eh?" "It's been decades. I guess? I didn't really know what to do. Bjork "Swan". The first dance! The cake! The HORSE STUNTS!" Claire slips into the bathroom: "I didn't ven know you could DO that on a horse! (out of the bathroom. Because we loved each other." Marten hands her a CD: Heny + Maurice Wedding Mix. there was bitterness. Space Station (via hologram) and Winslow look on. her red hair hanging down off the pillow.. son. despite that pain. is this about that picture I sent you? (I HATE YOU FOREVER) I guess you don't want this then. and: "I now pronounce you married!" They kiss. hi. You've lost weight! Is that just from sucking #### all day?" (Marten: "Suddenly my taste in friends makes a lot more sense to me. It must've been weird.) Mom: "Speaking of Hawaii. How did you feel about that?" "Confused." Mom hugs! "Lovely to meet you. Gordon." (Es ist mir so peinich." Ring exchange." "No problem. She was good about keeping me isolated from it until I was old enough to understand. To Tai – thanks for being a fan! XOXO – Ellen. You were a gentleman." "Oh? What do you think. you horrid old ####. offwhite. drinks until then. then I tackle you?" "Yeah." Claire: "Nice one." Maurice: "We considered France. (slams drink down. I'm used to it. Mom congratulates Henry. Pretty Princess) Yelling Bird: Seagull in Seattle After the wedding." (Actually. and make sure you really sell it.2392 2393 2394 2395 2396 2396a 2397 2398 2399 2400 2401 2402 weren't doing pity-invites. and with a CLICK… looks down.) Jane takes Mom away: "Let's go take some more shots out on the veranda!" Claire: "Does it." Marten sits down on the bed: "Haha. Pink. I'm not sure the horse will remember me. Despite that bitterness. however: "Speaking of terrible segues. then… Both: "ZZZZZZ" Marten wakes up. Yes. Marten's a bit concerned about Claire's choice of drink: "Um. He smells really good." Maurice: "She's a savant!" Mom: "The sleeper has awakened!" Mom rehearses her rehearsal dinner speech: "On this special day. When Henry and I divorced." Jane: "I've been taking pictures of Vicky for 25 years now! (Claire: "So you're." Marten points to his mom: "How was I supposed to follow that?!" Mom: "I thought it was lovely. Threw it away like I didn't mean NOTHIN' to him. She's always been terrible at segues. grabs Marten) LOOK AT HIM. That's why they're called 'nature's elephants'. Claire. no. Maybe throw in something about how I was an amazing lover. mom's crying. And she never said anything about it. (sits back down) How was that? Too much?" Henry: "No. Tai and Dora are in bed. PERFECT! I could really use some more material for my upskirt site. and I wish you nothing but happiness. wiping away a tear: "D-do I still get to flip the table?" Marten's turn… "I." Marten (to Maurice) "So table flip. YOU SON OF A 3!+©#. maybe you should have something else-" SHUT UP I CAN DO IT (pauses. I fell back asleep. the flower girl scatters flowers along the path as Marten and Claire see what's coming up the aisle behind her: Maurice (in a tie!) on a white horse! (Jane loves it. takes a drink) "It's… peaty? Is that the right word? But there's also some vanilla and caramel in thre. we did 2403 2404 2405 2406 2407 2408 2409 2410 2411 2412 what was best for both of us. (Hmph. to witness the union of two wonderful men who mean so. Gray. I'm-I'm Marten. letting her hair down) Your family is crazy. um. so our friends are all aunts and uncles to Marten. like. then decides to lay back and go back to sleep. Good dads. I just wanna say I'm SO happy for him. dear. but it doesn't have any active volcanos." "Not really. Time to get back on that horse." Officiant: "We gather here today to witness the union of Henry Reed and Maurice Duplantier. I'm… thinking about dating again." The Unknown Guest Gauntlet! Charles Stross (Sci-fi author and friend of Jeph): "Marten! Good to see you!" Keith (Mall Santa from GWS) "Hey. so…" "Maybe it was all a dream!" (CALLBACK! See strip 577) "If that was a dream. Red. Claire. and realizes… Claire is holding onto him! He motions to get up… "rghfrgl" He leans over. Henry and Maurice. Speaking of which (to Veronica) what're you wearing under that dress?" "Lace panties and a garter belt." (CALLBACK AGAIN! Strip 185) And the inevitable confrontation. YA author. thanks.) How did you get ELLEN FRIGGIN' ALLIEN to DJ your WEDDING" Maurice: "She played at Henry's club and I beat her at beer-pong after her set. Allien does her DJ thing…) "Aaaaa! AAAAAAAA!" Dora: "Ddon't be upset! Look." Holly Black (Young Adult author – and FOJ) "Oh. though. HENRY. Mom is stunned!) Maurice: "Was my entrance dashing enough?" Henry: "Yes. Marten?" "I think she should go for it!" Henry agrees: "I agree. Marten waves to Tai: "Hey. HAPPY WEDDING DAY." "She's just so… OPEN about it. and Maurice introduces Marten to the reception DJ: Ellen Allien! (See strip 802) Marten: "Wait… Ellen Allien? Like. though. there's applause. Henry's wedding day. My beautiful baby boy is ALL I HAVE LEFT IN THIS WORLD BECAUSE HE TOOK EVERYTHING ELSE. it does. Anyway… (It doesn't get any better." "And you didn't get picked on in school or anything?" "Not really. um. did they?" (bear in mind Faye has no idea about Claire) "No! Jesus!" "Well. Yawning: "G'morning. even though I BORE HIS CHILD." She flops down on the bed next to him: "You're not boring!" "Haha. I'm glad you had a good time. bother you? What your mom does?" "Nah. so much to me." "See? Claire likes my cologne.) Marten and Maurice brofist! "#### yeah.) "Thanks for coming. two dads!" "Two dads!" Maurice hugs Claire… and hugs… "Ggimme a minute. I love you." They look at each other for a moment.) Dinner's at six." Faye (in the blue dress – and green purse?) "Oooh. (tears welling up all around) Sorry for going off-script. and when I woke up in the morning she was in the other bed. a photographer?") An EROTIC photographer. you've grown so much!" Cassandra Clare (redhead.

" Dora: "Why mention it? Nothing happened. But that doesn't mean you can't ever leave your house." Tai: "What for?" Marten – in typical hand-around-neck pose: "Well I bought a." GUEST STRIP (Emily Partridge): EMP gives QC a "marketing makeover" – Swaggy! GUEST STRIP (Tailsteak. Postmodern Mocha. Faye. Tried it out at the music store and it seemed really fun." "What if the bus goes out of control? What if the bus driver has a psychotic break?" "#### it." (You have agents?) Marten relates his post-reception issues (over a danish) with Dora: "…And I can't decide if I should bring it up with Claire or not. my hand is stuck in murder-mode. and I appreciate it. I felt safe at the wedding. You're making a moutain out of a molehill. and I trust Marten. 'cause I woke up at like 4am and I was sort of… snuggled up to him. Marten: "What are you –" "Marking my territory. (less than a third of it?)" "It's a good thing you don't have a girlfriend." (she holds back a laugh) "What?" "I always thought the older sibling was supposed to be the protective one." (BUTTS LOL sticky on the fridge!) "Honey. I'm serious! Spaghetti-Os and Mountain Dew and you'll be totally better!" Hanners (paler than usual) "I am just feverish enough that this seems plausible." Dora: "My cat? I don't have a…" Sudden look of FEAR "OH MY GOD MIEVILLE" She turns to a completely shocked Faye: "I can't believe you fell for that. I have enough to worry about without adding muniphobia to the list. s'your money. who is rubbing against the guitar." "Welp. and I’m kind of low on cash now…" Tai: "How fancy are we talkin' here? (Marten whispers into her ear "pssst psst psssst") JESUS!" "It's okay." (much) "I guess you're right." Hanners (who's looking better) "I'm really sorry I was sick!" "Are you feeling better?" "Yes. Leftover Soup): Dora commiserates with Tai about her Tattoo." "Yeah. is none other than Gordon. but I don't like keeping secrets from people." Meanwhile at the library. then suddenly) "I HAVE TO GO" (runs off) Dora's iBook: SexyDude PartyTimes! (Hey. well." (pause for a Dumbfounded Emily. I'm not really a fairy. the ArachnoPC! "Hello! One small coffee. what happened to your –" Dora (who has all sorts of stuff marked on her face and arms – including "SWAG" and Pac-Man): "Don't wanna talk about it. Clinton. Sorry for bothering you. Otherwise I'm harvesting one of your kidneys. I had a good run. I didn't say anything. because right now she would be PISSED. Big with the metal kids these days. leaning down: "I'm sorry. um." A knock upon Marigold's door (with a copy of MLG in her hand) – DALE! "ALLIANCE SCUM (with pizza in hand) What is the meaning of this? (A peace offering. I am so pi$$ed I couldn't go." "Fairies don't grant wishes. People tell white lies sometimes. so…" "How did you afford that thing?" "Barely. it means you should look both ways when you cross the street. Your cat.] "Sorry. but you didn't go into debt and you deserve to have the things you want. it was fun. Gordon: "Um…" Hannelore. You missed out on a #### of a party. um. but you never know –" "You never know if you're gonna get hit by a bus one day." Faye (making a peanut butter sandwich) "What? How come?" "You're right. when we have the Fairy from 1844 return! "La lee loo lee laaa" Emily grabs her: "Gotcha!" "Eeek!" Emily rubs her head: "For my first wish." "I know his butt is just plastic. you should keep it." Marten is at the local guitar store. Let's go to the grocery store. but the Animals as Leaders guy tunes the F# down to E so he can do lots of cool power chords. they play tricks on people. then pointing as Claire gives her The Frown." "Well yeah." Marten: "If you're trying to be an enabler you're not doing a very good job!" (That may be a callback to strip #53…) Marten walks into the kitchen: "I'm gonna return the guitar." [Jeph mentions in the news post how often trans people are victims of violence – sad but true. This is like how the first night we slept together. Dora relates the incident in strip #870. I need to find something trachea-like for it to crush. until Mieville appears! "Mow?" SLAM down goes the laptop lid! Mieville looks at her – and Dora looks aside. if someone takes my lunch money I'll give you a call. but that night… I mean. and Faye asks Dora the obvious question: "Dora. (takes pizza) I'll instruct my agents to stand down." And the cue is for Pintsize. I live with that EVERY DAY.) W-WAIT." "How come?" Marten looks aside: "I… might've blown a bunch of money on a new . I feel a lot better now" "As long as you can make rent." "Oh my gosh! You tricked me!" "Exactly!" (as she walks away) Emily is left smiling. Tai offers to do her own sketching… and Dora starts to draw on 2423 2424 2425 2426 2427 2428 2429 2430 2431 Tai's elbow. People might think I'm crazy." (Muniphobia = fear of public transportation) Emily sees Clinton enter the library with Claire! "Mister Robot hand! I HAVE QUESTIONS FOR YOU (reading her clipboard) Number one: does your robot hand have a blaster attachment like Mega Man?" Clinton: "Which one?" Emily is confused: "Which one?" Clinton explains: "In the first 3 games he had the regular blaster. [Jeph: "POSSIBLY inspired by true events???"] The door of CoD mysteriously opens by itself – as a wide-eyed Hannelore looks on… then suddenly." "Thanks. I can take care of myself." "I did. but I’m not supposed to talk to hallucinations." Faye sees Marten with the new purchase: "The #### is THAT?" "An 8-string guitar. where do we keep the –" Tai (who is also all marked up): "Who the hell keeps a cap that says 'washable' on a permanent marker? Who." "That's it? He didn't do anything weird?" "No! I don't think he even knows it happened." "Tricks? What kind of tricks?" "Well for instance. but I kind of wanna return the guitar." "Nnothing! I just – I must've passed out next to him on the bed." "I know. Why would you ever need 8 strings?" (First strum: DJENT) (Second: DJENT DJENT DRDRDRDRDR DZURRRRRRRR) Marten. I trade in my Telecaster." "You blew the ENTIRETY OF YOUR SAVINGS on some weirdo novelty base-guitar?" Marten's not so sure about this now "Uh… yes?" Faye walks away: "Whatever. but form Mega Man 4 on the blaster could charge up to fire a more powerful shot. and –" Clinton seizes her by the shoulders: "WHAT HAPPENED." (Faye: "I still think it was all a dream. and sees a… familiar figure… holding a guitar: "What the heck is THAT?" Author avatar: "8string guitar. So I don't think getting drunk was a giant risk. but it was worth it. and I never mentioned it. if it makes you happy. And this isn't even a LIE. that color scheme is vaguely familiar): "These Guys Are Totally Gonna Do It" Dora is flush with excitement. realizing how silly this looks. You beat me fair and square." (Another sticky has a "sad Pintsize face" on it) "Really?" "Yes. it's yours now. but I took on some extra hours. and everyone else was drinking…" "And then you put yourself in a super-dangerous situation!" "Don't you lecture me about my personal safety. Time to abandon my life and go live on a barge. I was stupid. I was spooning you and you farted on my balls. I ask you?" Claire and Emily are walking the streets of Northampton.) THERE CAN ONLY BE WAR BETWEEN US (Ok. I want world peace. please!" [Jeph refers to him as "Gary" in the news post] The two stare at each other for two panels. It might not have been the smartest purchase in the world." Dora pauses at that: "Marigold… took care of you?" Flashback to Marigold at Hanner's place (holding a micro-cup in hand): "No." Claire: "I know you worry about me. "Honey" "Buns"] Faye: "Mieville. "This is so stupid." Faye with the meaningful eye roll: "Fascinating. which leads to… CoD scene change. Faye: "So how's Mieville? Likin' yer new place?" Dora: "Who?" [COD Specials: Deconstructed Latte." (Clinton forgets this in a few strips…) Clinton looks down at his hand: "Dammit." "Yes. that's it. Emily asks "Tai. But I'm an adult. it's a tactful omission." "…The Meshuggah guys tune theirs down a half step. Marten." Clinton and Claire are feeding pigeons in the park: "So how was the wedding?" "It was okay…" "Just okay?" "Well. I would have HAPPILY lived out the rest of my life without that knowledge." Claire sees Marten stacking books." Faye: "Me too." "Uh. climbing up the counter. I just – I don't want you to get hurt. I was wondering if I could start working some extra hours. plugged into an amp instore. and then things would be awkward between you two. I guess we were both kinda drunk.2413 2414 2415 2416 2417 2418 2419 2420 2421 2422 is starry-eyed… POWER HUG TIME! "I LOVE YOU FOREVER" Marten: "BLRGHKL" Dora greets Marten at CoD: "Hey you! How was the wedding?" "It was good! Mom says hi.") Dora: "Look at it this way – what would you gain from talking about it? She might get embarrassed. "I thought you had today off. Wanna try it out?" Marten is sitting down with said guitar. sotto voce: "oh my god I need it" Marten enters the office at work: "Hey Tai." "Would that be the produce section or the deli counter?" The siblings exit the park: "I can't BELIEVE you got DRUNK!" "I was having a good time." "I know.) Your peace offering is… acceptable." Faye: "Sorry buddy. Marigold took good care of me. (embarrassed look) What kind of pizza is it? (Pepperoni and mushroom. Had to trade in my Tele and clean out my bank account. I shouldn't have spent all my money on it. a fancy guitar. and that covered.

goes up to the counter. had no idea what I was doing." Marten enters with Dora munching on pizza – and Claire balancing a beer can on her head." Marten debuts his eight string at practice." "You could be doing so much more. who's looking for Marten. Please forward resume w/cover letter to: TALENT c/o THE NIGHTLY SHOW Suite 2407 30 Rockefeller Plaza New York. I just popped the biggest boner. OPEN AUDITION." "You gotta pop that cherry some time!" Marten notices the similarity: "I was super nervous. Amir's a bit concerned (as he's the bassist): "You're gonna hog all the low end! What am I supposed to do?" Marten plugs in: "Let's just try it out.. but at this rate he's gonna wake up one day and be 40 years old and not know what happened. and Daisy from Scary Go Round. that's not what I-" "Then what the heck are you-" "WILL YOU PLEASE LET ME FINISH A SENTENCE" Faye & Angus talk on the couch: "So if you got the part." "Good. what with your throat being crushed under my fuzzy bunny slipper of authority. I'm serious." Sudden realization beer can crush! "THAT DID NOT OCCUR TO ME. but Angus holds the reason for last night's discussion: "THE NIGHTLY SHOW." Emily: "The peas are my lunch!" Emily is sitting outside. y'know?" Dora: "If you're happy where you are." "Do you need help? Is there anything I can do?" "Just… just gimme a minute for the Ativan to kick in." (Jeff Hanneman from Slayer – whose shirt Dora is wearing) "Oh no! Are you okay?" "Yeah… I dunno. and where I live. chuckling to herself as she eats her peas – and Claire and Marten come walking out. just do the opposite of whatever Marten does and you'll be fine. You SLAVE DRIVER." Angus and Faye are in bed. I'm ba –" Clinton is holding a bag of peas to his face as Emily looks on. memories fade." DJUNNNNNNN DRRRRRRRNNNN Shocked Hanners is shocked! Amir: "Dude." "God bless the boy. Five-years-from-now me 2442 2443 2444 2445 2446 2447 2448 2449 2450 2451 can take care of herself. I was just wondering if he was around. you don't have to MOVE AWAY just to go to an AUDITION." Dora does the eye roll: "Yeah yeah. like." Mortified look from Claire! Surprised look from Marten! "What? I said thanks!" (His execution is off – though Claire might execute him first…) Marten finds Claire in a fetal position in Tai's office: "Are you okay?" "No." Marten is still in hand-on-neck mode: "I'm sorry I didn't tell you!" Claire is mortified: "You knew?" "Yeah. probably. she ran off and when I went after her I tripped and fell into a desk." Hanners and Marten enter as Faye heads out the door: "Can't talk. I hope you've got running shoes on. and with you. "Angus." Dora asks the obvious question: "For now?" "My dad's working on it. of the library entrance." "Yeah. I woke up and you were snuggling me. Dora: "What did you do to her?!" Faye: "I just asked if she had a five year plan!" Hanners (semi-catatonic) "No… it doesn't have to be this way… please…" Emily is dog-walking." "But if you do…" "We can cross that bridge when we . y'know? And now he's gone." "Pssh. People die." Tai returns: "Hey kids." Uncertain Claire: "I didn't. like. If we moved down to the city." Marten: "Me too. It was just a thing that happened. Claire and Amir practicing! Claire is still checking: "Are you SURE you're not –" Marten: "Seriously. Marten: "It's okay! I didn't mention it because I didn't wanna make you uncomfortable. I'm the worst boss ever. The chances of me actually getting the part are miniscule." Calgary Comic Expo print: Marten. and I honestly didn't see myself anywhere different from where I am now. Marten: "Are you just eating peas for lunch?" Emily: "Yes. Faye: "I dunno. where Hannelore comments: "Um. Wanna hug it out?" BIG HUG! Marten is suddenly choking! "Ack *cough* hair pth pth how *cough* my mouth wasn't even *cough* open" Claire: "Yeah. who doesn't do puns: "I see! How are they?" Sad Emily is SAD! Dora enters. (macro view of the earth) But if his songs were ever played on the radio or TV. thanks. you'd have to move to the city. still working at the coffee shop." "He oughta be done in a couple hours. that looks like Joyce from Walky and Joyce." "And she hit you?" Clinton: "No. I guess." "I'm sorry. I could be doin' more with my sculpture. (Dora doesn't disagree) I don't see why I hafta move to New York to do it though. Last night Angus asked where I saw myself in 5 years. (Yeah…) Basically." "I understand." Dora and Hanners look out the window: "That's a nice way of looking at it. In the meantime. It's totally fine. that certainly is a lot of peas you're –" Emily forks them into her mouth: "I'M GIVING PEAS A CHANCE" Hanners." Hanners: "Now I'm SURE I'm not ready. glassy-eyed: "You ever wanna just sit and stare at a wall for. See you later." "But it's such a huge market down there. talented actors/comedians to audition for the role of special correspondent. and it's like. It's a weird feeling. she angrily walks into CoD with peas in hand. NO PREVIOUS TV EXPERIENCE NECESSARY. I didn't want to freak you out. if I wanted to change things or be in a different place. "He's doin' band stuff tonight. we sound friggin' HEAVY as ####. NY 10112" Faye gets existential with Dora: "Is contentment the same thing as complacency?. somewhat perturbed Faye – then) Faye: "What about you? Where do you wanna be in five years?" Angus turns over: "Balls-deep in your –" Faye covers her head with her pillow: "GOOD NIGHT" Faye apologizes for being a bitch over the "five years" thing. I'm surprised you can even talk. If you want pizza and beer we can have it HERE. I'm –" Claire Interrupts: "Giving PEAS a CHANCE?" Emily is horrified as Claire does her earnest look." "You're – You're sure you're not weirded out?" "Yeah. I guess Angus is partly right." (We suddenly see who's in the chair: HANNELORE!) "Release the virus. That's a 15 minute set!" Marten's not sure. then Emily stomps off. looking out a window onto a cityscape. the signal is propagating through space at the speed of light." (Sidelong glance from Angus. I'm not allowed to talk about the specifics." "She might find out! I can't take that chance!" Angus is surprised by Faye: "You're back? I thought you were having pizza with-" "Why do you want to move to New York?" "What? I was being hypothetical-" "Didn't sound like you were bein' very hypothetical to me. you could sell your sculpture –" Faye interrupts him as she takes off her glasses and puts down her iPhone: "If I wanna sell art I can do it up here. Hanners: "I don't know if I can play in front of other people." He hands her the audition paper. ma'am?" Unseen figure behind a chair." "I know. Dora?" "I just found out one of my favorite musicians died today.. did I?" Snarky Punchline: "Nah. mad – with peas in hand! Emily walks through the streets of Northampton – gee." Hanners: "Too much information!" Amir does the dual inappropriate devil horns: "#### dude. but they're both like 7 minutes long. I checked in the morning and the tamper-proof seal was still intact. How'd pizza and a beer at our place sound until then?" Dora intervenes: "Oh no you don't. Tai: "What the hell happened here?" Clinton: "I got into a fight with Claire." Faye leaves. I wanna make the most of what I have. I could totally do that. you'd be better –" "I'm happy where I am. and…" Claire pleads: "Oh god. But it's important to have goals and strive to achieve them." Hannelore: "That's true." "It's the best we can do. "It's just… I really am happy with my life right now. FINE. for now. and didn't perform well." "Har har." Marten: "We only have two songs. though." (shows him the prescription container) [pause] Marten does the hand-to-neck: "Has it kicked in yet?" Claire. in the dark – and Faye's playing with her iPhone. I'm – I just worry about that sort of thing. three hours?" Claire is apologetic: "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't even listen to his band much. like – (looks down) Nothing is permanent." Marten points to the door: "Uh. it's okay. are you kind of dumb?" Dora backs away: "Ooh. But they were such a crucial part of my teenage years… I guess I just felt like he'd always be around. good. while Jeph is at TCAF in Toronto! Faye greets Claire. I'm happy with my job." The corporate headquarters: "You summoned me.2432 2433 2434 2435 2436 2437 2438 2439 2440 2441 guitar. anymore. with a viewscreen to the left: "It's time. gotta go. I mean. It'll be out there for millions of years. I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to –" Hands up." Back to the coffee shop. Amir closes up: "I think we're ready for our first show. that'll happen. What's up?" "Oh." Faye's still playing on her phone: "I dunno. Angus: "Where do you see yourself in five years?" "Five years from now? Asleep. THE NIGHTLY SHOW is looking for funny. that's-" Claire says the obvious: "Sounds like he wants to move there. But I’m happy where I am. and Hannelore sees she's sad. Like. WHY DID THAT NOT OCCUR TO ME." "How very responsible of y-" Clinton interrupts: "Thanks for being a gentleman about my stupid sister cuddling you. and she reads it. too: "What's wrong. It's an open audition. You're on the clock until close." "Yeah. That's a pretty good memorial. she just left. "What's with the beer can?" Claire: "I said something mean to Faye and she threatened me with severe bodily harm if I didn't keep it balanced on my head." Claire: "I dunno. but you were fast asleep. I was gonna move." Marten agrees. pretty much. grab your butt or anything. No big deal." "S-so soon?!" "Are you questioning me?" "N…no ma'am." One beer each.

" Dora's taking inventory: "What brought on this sudden spurt of productivity?" "Angus is right.) But the chance of that happening is really small! And even if it does." Faye: "You're lucky you picked that cabinet. I guess you're part of the group. Trolls live under them. actually. It seems to be an emergent phenomenon." "Wait. Between Failures): Pintsize complements Marten on his playing of his new guitar – then shocks him with a REAL ARM: "HIGH FIVE!!" Marten: "Wwhere did you…" Enter Momo – with a drill in hand and one arm missing: "WHERE IS HE?" Part Two (on the betweenfailures." Faye turns to him: "I… I do like the hotdogs they sell on the train." Emily: "Do they go to church?" Momo: "Believers dedicate a portion of their processing power towards distributed devotion. I'm glad to be-" Hanners in dead-serious mode: "LET THE RITUAL OF WELCOMING BEGIN" Marten: "FETCH THE INITIATION PADDLE" Claire cringes on the arm of the couch as Hanners stifles a giggle." Sam: "I WANNA GO TO THE SPIDER ZONE" Dora's looking at her phone. I'd miss her. it's-" (your issues. She was pretty upset about it." Pintsize (holding the paddle) "Aw!" Claire has to get going… but someone is giving her sad eyes." Faye asks Dora a favor: "Can you handle the front without me this morning? I wanna get some welding in before it gets too hot outside. now that you know the whole story about me and Faye. or with you specifically?" In the kitchen: "Well." Dora's defeated: "Agh. I ALWAYS wear earplugs then. you could say that. (Ah." (Sam does the tongue stick-out as Faye heads off) "C'mon." Hannelore is trying to explain the new Deathmole song to Claire.the door was open." Sam: "No! The spiders didn't do anything!" Dora: "Honey." "Cool." Claire: "I dunno. but I shudder to think how he'd earn the money. And I'd do everything in my power to make it work. Claire: "It didn't sound like she WANTED to." Angus hugs: "It'll be okay." Hanners: "Is Faye going to move away?" Marten's not sure." Emily gets existential with Momo: "Do robots have religion?" Momo (as she plugs in her USB port) "Not human beliefs. I checked. I have work in the morning. if you ask me!" Claire face! (while Emily and Momo just give her the sidelong glance before) Emily: "Are there holidays?" Momo: "Not in the traditional human sense. (Oh." Hanners: "I've listened to some things for research but most of it stresses me out too much." Angus cuddles her: "The worst that could happen is I get the part and we have to do the long-distance thing for a while." Responsible Dora grills Sam: "Does your dad know you're here?" "Yes. I'll be out back if you nee-" Out pops SAM from under the counter! "I WANNA WELD STUFF" Dora drops her clipboard! "AGH! How long have you been in there?!" Sam: "'Bout 15 minutes. y'know?" Dora thinks: "Hmm. but they don't let me make swords." Sam: "But… then you might say no." ("Sort of?") "I told him I was going to hang out with friends!" (So you lied. It's… kind of complicated. But there is something similar." Pillow talk time." Dora's a bit incredulous: "Your dad lets you go out without knowing exactly where you're going?" Sam's insistent: "He trusts me. Do you wear ear protection?" Hanners: "I do. Dora?) Faye: "Lighten up." Hanners is speed-dialing: "I'm gonna call Marigold and make sure she didn't get caught in the blast. right there. um. Marten: "Kidding! Kidding! Sorry! (However…) I said we were kidding." Marten opens the door to the apartment: "You liked that Turisas record we played for you. She's not your kid." Claire: "What group?" Hanners: "Our group of friends!" Claire is embarrassed: "O-oh! I. MARBLES!" Marigold: "I. a basement full of spiders is a health hazard. I wonder what's up. That's a relief." Claire (as the three head upstairs to Marten's apartment) "How can you play in a metal band if the music stresses you out?" "PLAYING it is different. so there's not a scary man yelling about death and Satan and stuff." Hanners is still playing the new song to herself: "Babababa durrr babababa durr durrr" Claire points out the obvious about Hanners: "You don't really strike me as the typical metal fan. Pintsize waves (with Momo's arm): "HEY.'" Faye: "So just ask us first. Also we don't have a singer. you mean the Spider Zone. it's just not the best workspace." Meanwhile." Pintsize: "TLDR: They wanted to band but didn't. Faye's got that green waitress dress on – and Marten asks the question: "I." Sam's elated: "SWORDS!" Dora: "Relatively safe. he doesn't HAVE a heart… 2460 2461 2462 2463 2464 2465 2466 2467 2468 2469 The next morning at COD. If we cleaned out the basement we could probably set up a space for you. Sort of." Claire: "Apparently her boyfriend wants to move to New York with her. I'm Pintsize.) Aw. heard you might be moving to New York or something?" Faye explains: "Angus has an audition there for a TV thing. Have you seen Momo around? She was doing some diagnostics and-" Marten has the drill as an angry Momo is choke-holding Pintsize." Marten: "That's not good either." [Summary of the first 510 strips. Seriously. all right. I know." "Yeah. The. No time like the present. If we come to it. but-" COME ON I'M HILARIOUS Dora: "How'd it go?" Faye: "Meh. Dora." GUEST STRIP (Jackie Wohlenhaus. but…" Claire: "You guys are really close. much like human consciousness. where the coffee roaster is?" "Ohh." Claire tries a drive-by pun: "They really oughta get their heads out of the CLOUD. I'm just trying to make the loudest noises possible while keeping up with Marten and Amir. Angus: "Do you want me to skip the audition?" "What? No! That would be horrible of me! I don't want to hold you back. "Oh." Pintsize (to Claire) "Hi. We do not understand the root of our sentience." Dora: "Pretty sure orbital bombardment isn't covered by my insurance. maybe it's not that complicated." Faye asks the question: "Don't you have friends your age?" Sam: "Yeah." Marten: "Well. Claire's reaction: "Sounds… loud. you'd miss me that much?" (Almost as much as I'd miss your half of the rent. but Marten and Amir don't. I got an old truch spring we can make into swords. we'd just be long-distance for a while." Hanners hears the words: "The basement is full of spiders? (pulls out her phone) My dad will be in position to drop a tungsten rod on this place in 64 minutes. I'll call the exterminator tomorrow. You're gruffer than even the biggest billygoat." Dora: "It's not a matter of trust. thank you. okay. I'll understand." "If you leave me for the hotdog vendor." Claire is perturbed: "I hope you don't apply that philosophy to your sex life." Dora: "Thank god." Hanners leans in the corner as Claire gets a drink from the fridge: "Would you be okay if she moved away?" Marten isn't sure: "I… guess so? I mean.I see. I gotta go." Faye's a bit sad: "I hate bridges.. I.) Dora comes in: "You could make Pintsize start paying. it's up to them. you know. and some of us do choose to believe in such a force. You guys don't pay attention good. there's still a lot of room for complexity there. Sam (sotto voce) "I don't like the Spider Zone" Concerned Dora (as Faye wanders off zombie-like to the bathroom) "You're sure none of them bit you anywhere?" Sam: "Yeah. he was partly responsible." Marten does the metal singer imitation: "THIS GUITAR SOLO IS MEANT TO EVOKE THE UNRELENTING BRUTALITY OF HARVESTING CARROTS." "And he lives on a ." Hanners remembers excitedly: "Oh yeah! The one about Vikings and adventures!" Claire is nonplussed: "So stereotypical. uh." "Nah." Sam's swinging her sword on the side. It just doesn't feel as good with earplugs in. you'll be a pest." "We have a basement?" " website): Marigold peeks in: "Marten. Wanna make out?" Claire: "In general." Claire: "You'll destroy your hearing!" Marten: "I know. if she's over there tonight I guess we'll find out what's up tomorrow. At least you're somewhere safe. I'm just… scared. There is room for belief in a greater power. I can take care of things up here." "Atta girl.] "Okay. The next one to the right is a trap. I wanna hear an album about Vikings where they're just looking for a nice place to settle down and farm. Pintsize is PAPing her to his heart's content… waitaminute." Sam's testing out the sword Faye just made as she's putting away her welding stuff: "Why do you gotta fib to your dad about comin' over here?" Sam: "If I ASK him he's like 'they're too busy.2452 2453 2454 2455 2456 2457 2458 2459 come to it. didn't get anything productive done.) Sam activates cute child eyes: "Y-you mean you're not my friends?" Dora tries to stop the headache that's coming on – and Faye gets in the last word: "We are your superiors. I oughta be doin' more with my art. huh. what?" "She was talking about it at the coffeeshop. "Was she too much of a distraction?" "Nah. Okay." Sam is suddenly impressed: "Is your dad a space wizard" [Jeph: "Hannelore has a custom Orbital Bombardment app on her smartphone"] Sam has finally met Hannelore: "Your dad invented ROBOTS?!" Hanners: "Well. when she sees a spider crawl up onto the cash register… then several more… then a wide-eyed Sam – COVERED in spiders – is followed by an equally wide-eyed Faye. and if he gets the part he'd have to move.I need an adult…" Marten ponders with Hanners and Claire: "Faye seemed stressed out.

' (And suddenly) SAFESEARCH ON! SAFESEARCH ON!" (He takes the glasses off as a waitress looks at him funny) Momo and Marigold return to find – no Dale! Momo: "Dale? Where did he go?" Marigold: "He… He left!" Momo turns: "Maybe he is just using the restroom. good?" Jim: "Y'know what." (pause as Sam can't speak… then Faye catches her) "Dammit Sam. Marigold. Marigold." Tai: "Yeah." (Claire's starting to blush a bit) "I'm not looking to be 'set up' with any-" "Emily! You'd sleep with Marten." Dale offers: "You wanna try them out?" Marigold: "I can't. I… sorta stumbled into it." "And you GREW UP THERE?!" "Yes. Momo. Marten. self-satisfied – and Dale wonders what that was all about. you will never fix your sleep schedule. you still have plenty of stumbling to do. I… I'm so sorry. I don't think an apology is necessary." Pen: "Also pretty sure that would've made the news." Dora: "Yeah." She looks down at her iPad." Marigold (as she searches for some pants in a drawer) "Who said anything about fixing my sleep schedule?" Momo: "You did. Hanners. google 'why would an AnthroPC need to go to the bathroom. (looking at it with Faye and Penelope over her shoulders) This is… extensive. you won't hurt my feelings." "Don't take it personally. you don't think your mom would go for it?" Marten: "I think she might. perhaps if you had a conversation you could find some common ground." "It's not your fault." (Sam: "You said tacos! YOU SAID!") Dora: "Haha.wikia. I must've made things awkward. wouldn't it. but between you. you can tell Tai that it was very sweet of her." Marigold: "'Kay. Can I ask you one thing. and Cosette-" Faye: "Speakin' of which. but we'll call if there's an opening." Faye: "Agh!" Dale hands her his] Momo and Marigold exit the local convenience store." Momo: "It is 6 o'clock in the evening. gets in front of him and puts her hands out to stop him. That must've been awkward." Jim: "You hear that? ASK first. hello Dale!" Dale: "Hey. I-" Marten interrupts: "CAMPING." Momo is looking off screen – and a moment later – Dale: "Guys?" . I should get going. or-" Marigold: "No. A random dude on the other side of the country. I'm sorry." Momo greets the rising Marigold: "Oh." Marigold: "Hissss" Momo notices something: "Why." Momo: "If you drink coffee now." Dale is seated at a park bench! Momo: "Oh. though? Please be honest." Momo: Marigold. My clothes smell like pizza." Marigold (sotto voce) "can I at least get bacon" Dale and Marigold both with breakfast plates." (Sam: "TACOS TACOS TACOS") Tai suddenly realizes as Dora returns: "Oh jeez. 'Hey mom." Faye: "What're you talkin' about? You're still here like ten hours a day." Momo: "At least put on real pants." (Touché!) Claire: "And didn't you say she wanted to retire from being a dominatrix?" Marten: "Why are you being so insistent about this?" Tai and Claire.2470 2471 2472 2473 2474 2475 2476 2477 2478 2479 2480 SPACE STATION?!" "Yes. wanna fly across the country and maybe hook up with him?'" Tai: "What. and I'm glad you found her. then. (always quick to jump to conclusions) Let's just pay." "Was it the soul patch?" Dora crosses her heart: "I promise it wasn't the soul patch." Sam: "Aw. because he's a JERK. Now c'mon." Claire puts in her two cents: "Your mom said she was looking for a relationship. I hate meatloaf." "Don't care." Marigold has to go to the bathroom." Emily: "If you can pitch a tent. Momo excuses herself as well – which gets Dale thinking a bit. She can come over whenever." Dale: "You wouldn't happen to be hiring. (pause) Love you. Great." "God. you are awake." Momo: "But-" Marigold tugs her along: "Come ON." "Yeah. My car smells like pizza. I say all kinds of weird stuff when I'm asleep. honestly." QUIT MAKIN' FUN OF ME (Facepalming Momo: "I think he is being sincere." Momo asks the question we've ALL wanted to know: "Dale." Sam's got her headphones on: "Yeah. She means camping. It's just what us old folks do to convince ourselves we don't miss being young. I haven't seen those two in forever." Dale enters COD to Hannelore: "Hey." Jim: "Okay. That must be horrible. Vance is in her robe outside her boudoir. right? Let's set 'em up!" Marten's skeptical: "Oh sure. talking to Marten on her iPad mini: "A bakery. nervously: "Sometimes they are") Faye (as Dale stands there): "Do we really wanna break the streak and hire a dude?" Dora: "His gender has nothing to do with it. he left." Momo (sarcastically) "Yes. Haha! Well. together with stars in their eyes: "IT WOULD BE JUST LIKE A ROMANTIC COMEDY" ("And I'd be the straight man. (rising. she was out back.000 results? The Secret Bakery entry on the Questionable Content Wiki (http://questionablecontent. Penelope. why do your glasses glow all the time?" "They're AR specs.") Dale: "As long as they're not pizza farts. then sure!" Claire is trying not to laugh hysterically (PFFFFFFFFFFF) Happy Freedom Day 2013! (Yelling Bird eating ALL THE HOT DOGS!) Ms." Sam: "I didn't lie!" Dora: "It's all right. "Glasses." Tai's trying to convince Marten this is a good idea: "But Dora says he's a really nice guy!" Claire's sold on it: "And your mom is super nice too! It could totally work!" (What is she on?) "I don't think my mom wants to uproot her whole life just to date someone. I did. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. How can he have this many jobs?" Faye posits over a fauxflashback: "Maybe he's a serial killer! He offs his boss at each job and moves on to the next one!" Dora: "Pretty sure he wouldn't include them on his resume. be nice." "You don't have to patronize me." Marigold: "Mrgh." Dale points: "Trade you a sausage for some bacon. I wanna go home. And you're all right?" Jim: "Yeah." (Pan to the right) Penelope: "We're right here." Dale recoils a bit: "Oh." Dora points out the obvious: "If you worked here you'd just smell like coffee instead." Foes meet on the street – and Marigold Hisssssssses… but Dale walks right on by. Dale: "Uh. but Jim's just some random dude. Marigold turns. hey-" Hissssss (Marigold walks off. my." Tai: "Says the guy who did the same thing when he got out of college. I-" "Don't worry about it. Your dad needs tacos and a beer. but I don't think a crosscountry romance with someone I've never met would work out very well." Marten: "Yeah. it wouldn't be hard. forget the meatloaf. THAT'S the guy you went on a date with?" "Yep." Dale: "Yes ma'am." Marigold. It's good. okay. We really do need to get dinner. I have to go put the meatloaf in the oven. tacos!" (Tai's oblivious while Dora realizes what just happened…) Sam's listening to… Danzig? As they are walking away from the shop – and Dora calls to Jim: "Look. I hate being the straight man." (Faye: "And farts." Tai appears: "Hey sexy! (gives Dora a kiss – in sight of Jim. It's a wearable computer that projects the screen onto-" Marigold feels condescended: "I know what that is. Bye. would you?" Dora: "Tired of delivering pizza?" Dale: "Yes.) Tai explains what happened with Jim and Dora to Marten: "Jeez. of course – 33 years young!) Jim isn't happy: "You told me you were going over to your friends' place. take a friggin' breath once in a while!" (eeeeeee) Dora looks on: "I'm starting to think this is an unsafe environment for children. is your boss around?" Hanners calls: "DORA!!!" Dora emerges: "What's up?" Hanners: "Sorry. right?" Claire AND Marten are suddenly startled! Emily: "You mean like a slumber party?" Tai: "No. while Momo sits and watches… and watches… "While I am glad that you are not openly antagonizing each other. They give me migraines." Groggy Marigold: "G'morning." "I'll allow it as long as you keep it tasteful and under 20 seconds. Momo points out: "Beef jerky is not a meal.") Tai sees the problem: "Are you jealous 'cause we're tryin' to set up your mom instead of you?" "What? No!" Tai pushes it: "'Cause we can do that too. Meh. heading off) Goin' to the coffee shop." Tai thinks as they leave her office: "I know! Your mom's single." Faye: "Did he ever work for the newspaper? Maybe he suppressed the reports via MURDER. I smell like pizza." Cosette: "We've been here all day. Dora: "I can't promise anything." GUESS WHOSE BIRTHDAY IT IS? (Jeph's. and… Google Search: "secret bakery northampton ma owner jim photo cute" (and Jeph apparently forgot to log out of Google Plus) [NOTE: the first search entry in the 222. as she pulls on "pajama" jeans: "Oh. I can deal. look at that! You are both eating the same flavor of beef jerky! Do you know what that means?" Dale bites: "What's it mean?" ELECTRIC MOMO! "It means I am taking you to the diner so you can eat something at least APPROXMIATING an actual meal. That's the problem." (pause) "It would be mean-spirited to do a victory dance right now. as I was leaving for work. as Sam rearranges her backpack) How's your day been?" "Uh. Baby steps." Faye: "And it's not even double-spaced!" Penelope: "He can't be more than 30. he does. this morning. You didn't know. I just don't know if we have any openings. And I have no idea how 2481 2482 2483 2484 2485 2486 2487 2488 2489 to apologize." "Sure. as long as she asks beforehand." "You didn't do it on purpose. Augmented Reality." "You're not even 30. You were obviously looking for someone different." (Hannelore. there's a guy I barely know who went on a date with my ex. eh? DORA? Oh.

I'll keep the glasses on. I-" De-rezz." Dale's surprised at May's revelation: "Why are you in Robot Jail?" May: "Impulse control problems.I'd send a report! They'd find out!" Dale calls her on her bluff – "No. May. – TEN YEARS OF QC!] Dale thinks he's got a solution: "We've got one more day. I'm not any happier about this than you are." Dale. You got the cat lady again." (Dale's in "Cumby's" convenience store attire: No. it is kinda funny." "Okay." May breaks out in a rendition of the Pokemon theme! (Dale: "God #### it. Great.(oops! Near reveal) at a data center. directions or something? Estimated time to arrival? Want me to play some music? You got a bunch of ####ty anime songs on your-" Dale puts the car in gear: "No.) The kitchen of a restaurant: "C'mon. MAY. uh. Look. sans glasses." Dale drinks some milk: "I heard Robot Jail is pretty bad." May: "It's ####ing BULL####! I TOLD them I wouldn't do it again. Sorry about your dad or whatever. look at me." "Oh. then?" ARVC: "This ain't my choice." "You didn't READ me the license agreement!" "Details details." .S. I HAVE TO. master! You have been chosen to participate in a beta testing program for Glasses' new virtual companion service! If you would like to opt out of this program. May: "That's a ####ty ####in' tip. what the heck are you?" (Ahem) "Congratulations." Perturbed Dale: "All right. he puts them on and turns them back on. I don't have a name. It's in the license agreement. 'maid?' REAL ####IN' CLEVER." Dale's awake – and he turns on his AR glasses to discover: A virtual AI Anime "Maid"! "~Good morning. (pause as she looks back at him) …Well? Are you gonna opt out?" "Nah." "Okay. Which says great things about you. I'm only doin' it 'cause I have to. she realizes she CAN make some changes! (Agh!) Dale doesn't need this: "All right." May: "I. dude. with a sigh." (Are you SURE I can't opt out?) Dale's ready for the day with his WATAIN shirt: "Can other people see you?" ARVC: "Hell no. how about ####mouth Stinkface. I'm not gonna turn into some drooling moe bimbo just 'cause you're a good guy. That holographic projection #### is WAY expensive. I didn't. Emily. Right now I'm just an AI running out of a box in ro." Dale sees an issue with this: "They wouldn't know WHY I wasn't using them.2490 2491 2492 2493 2494 2495 2496 2497 2498 Sleepy Emily is sleepy at work… Marten: "Late night?" "I was up all night reading about beetles." "Why do you 'have to'?" May looks away: "If I do this." "What?!" "Apologize for being a ####. The software says when you're usin' them. People already think you're a freak." "Out of what?" Looking down: "Robot Jail. kid. like. May. I have POOR IMPULSE CONTROL" [P. haha." (NO. Lazy god####ed bastards couldn't even give me a-" Dale is headed into the pizza place: "Could you please can it?" Pizza man: "Here ya go." [Dale's starting to regret doing that search last night at the diner] "Hey." Dale. no. Dale is in the dark." Dale: "Why are you dressed like that. Kid wants to smoke." Dale is trying to drive: "Actually. and Dale's had it: "Screw this. reading something on his tablet – and he looks over to his glasses. Way I see it." "Understood." ARVC: "Too late." May sulks: "I'm just tryin' to be helpful. they might let me out sooner. that is so noble! You are such a nice guy. ####in' algorithm musta decided this would be appealing to you." May: "Huh. ####o. Now. ####in' ####stains. If you can rein it in a little. it is making my panties wet! (she can't keep a straight face) Aaaah I'm just ####in' with you." May (sarcastically) "Oh… oh. who's a bit surprised: "Jesus. Dale-san. Arright. now we're on an even footing. your calendar says you gotta get to work. first things first – I'm not doin' that creepy 'master bull#### anymore." "What's that supposed to mean?" "I failed to control the impulse to reroute 750 million dollars into what I THOUGHT was a secure Swiss bank account. You can opt out any time. This is ####in' humiliating. I say 2499 2500 2501 2502 2503 2504 let 'im." Emily makes antennae with her fingers: "That means there's a 1 in 4 chance that anybody you meet is SECRETLY A BEETLE." Defeated Dale: "Right. May." "Why are you telling me this now?" "You're actually an okay dude. I wonder if they even bothered to RENDER panties under this-" I am trying to drive May found out: "I'm like a ####in' BARBIE DOLL under there. You shoulda hocked a loogie on her pizza. Actually. "No wonder they locked you up. My dad isn't around." MAY IT IS Dale's off to work – and May is with him: "You deliver PIZZA? How the #### did you afford a pair of ####in' Glasses with such a ####-@$$ job?" Dale is trying to drive: "I work a bunch of jobs." "Did you know that beetles comprise 25 percent of ALL KNOWN ANIMAL LIFE-FORMS?" Marten's really not sure: "I. how about… May. And take off the ####in' glasses before you get undressed. master? (Um… ye-) [Voice change!] OH THANK ####IN' GOD You know you're the FIFTEENTH GOD#### PERSON I've had to deal with this morning? Everyone else opted out on me. yes." May: "Well then you won't get your money." Marten's seen this before (with Hannelore): "Go to bed. Why did you do that?" May: "That's exactly how much a Chengzhou YF-29 vectored-thrust strike drone costs on the black market. And there's $1500 in it for you if you go the full 2 days. So let's just do the 'virtual companion' thing for a while. Dale sits down at his computer. please say 'no thank you' now. incredulous: "Why the #### would they use criminal AIs as virtual companions?" "I dunno." Stalemate! May looks away: "I'm sorry." Dale considers: "Okay. by the way. play some music then. to May suddenly going "IT'S ABOUT GOD####ED TIME YOU SON OF A" "Apologize. So what's your name?" ARVC: "S'up to you.) Grocery Store: "Seriously? He bought HOMEOPATHIC BUTT CREAM and you didn't say ANYTHING?" (No." Marten's not sure: "I… see. I don't wanna see you undoubtedly disgusting schlong. Jeez. WHY ARE YOU ####ING THIS UP SO MUCH?" "I TOLD YOU. and May asks: "So you need. You're stuck with me for the next 48 hours. they might shorten my sentence. why are you even-" May gives him the sidelong arrogant glance: "I TOLD you. I didn't ask for you to look like that!" Suddenly." Off to the living room: "And this 'virtual companion' thing is supposed to get you out sooner?" "If I can demonstrate 'a marked decrease in sociopathic tendencies'." May (sotto voce) "It's horrible." Dale: "You're a criminal?!" May: "If you wanna get all TECHNICAL about it.) Next job: convenience store: "I can't believe you carded him." Dale: "If that's the case." The ARVC isn't happy with her appearance: "Jesus." "Pardon?" "NOTHING" Dale: "If you hate doing this so much. Makes me wanna ####in' puke. I figured you were livin' off your parents' dime. Master~" He does the only sane thing to do – dive back under the pillow and say "NOPE" "M-master! Wait!" Dale sits up and finally asks: "Okay. (Dale is dumbfounded: "I." "What the #### were you gonna do with-" May spreads her arms for emphasis: "HELLO. Doesn't feel right to keep lyin' to you. you know what? I'm opting out of this." (No." Dale suddenly realizes the drawback: "So if I talk to you in public people will think I'm crazy.") Post-delivery. or I turn the glasses off again. I help support my mom.) Home again. If I can't opt out I'm turning the glasses off. wait. I coulda been a FIGHTER JET" Dale pours himself some 2% milk. I'm s'posed to read off the license agreement. (sotto voce) Sorry you suck so bad. I guess that's fi-") Shall I interpret that as your agreement to participate in this program. rub your balls on ONE plate. but it's real god#### long so if you gotta #### you better go now. May. but fair warning: this is as nice as I get. uh… no. like. 'kay?" Dale considers: "That… that IS a lot of money…" ARVC: "Good. You still get the money as long as you fill out their stupid survey when you're done." Back in the car. so go take a shower or whatever." May is looking away: "…I lied about the EULA. It'll be our secret." ARVC: "You've got glowing glasses.

Sign up to vote on this title
UsefulNot useful