Letter to My Parents

Dear Parents, I know that I owe you a lot. You gave birth to me, you gave me to drink, you fed me, you brought me up. You even loved me. That’s what you say at least. Because things are slightly different. You got me here, in a world where you were forced to abandon me every day & run to jobs. You got me here & then started looking for a place you park me in. You kept taking me to school and, because this was not enough, you kept sending me to a bunch of private tutors & lessons, plus you planted in me stress about my precarious future. Since my future was supposed to be so precarious, since you even made this planet dangerous, why did you get me here? What’s my life? Those two hours of TV & video games every day? I want to see the world, to spread my wings & fly & see everything in a single moment. I want to get out, to meet those others, to play, to entertain myself, to feel joy & not to care about the fact that tomorrow I’ll be going to school without having studied. I want to dream a world where people won’t be looking for a place to park me, where they won’t be always having work to do, where it won’t be dangerous to meet other people, where future won’t be scaring me, where there’ll be no masters & no slaves. I watch your misery but I’m not used to it & I don’t want to get used to it either. I won’t bow my head just because you did. I don’t want to become anyone’s slave or master, I want to be left alone. Those uniformed hound dogs don’t scare me, I’m not afraid of them. You see in them a certain order & security. I’m the one to be taken for a ride, because I see perfectly well that this order is hypocrisy, & as for security, it’s themselves that form the gravest danger. They’re the symbols of authority. Yours, that of the teachers’, of the politicians, of the grownups that live this way. You learned how to live like this, I haven’t. If they want to mess with me, so much the worse for them. They’re hopeless & let this be imprinted in their minds. I’m outraged & dangerous. & there are many of us, girls & boys, we’re everywhere, even within the murderers’ homes. They cannot hide from us, no matter where they stand. In one way or another, we’ll remain standing, they won’t. Don’t be mad at me, I’m doing what you taught me to do. You told me that revolt is chaos & destruction. Now that I’m revolting, you’ll receive chaos & destruction. I love you. In my own way, but I do. But I have to make my own world so that I live my own free life, & to do this I have to take down your own world. This is what’s most important to me. To phrase it in your own language: this is my job.

when I shut every one out of my life. Thank you letting us believe that we could be whoever we wanted to be. for crying with me afterwards. Thank you for shaping me into a person who I like and am proud to be. thank you for sitting there with me. When loving me must have been like trying to hold a cactus. I love you”. If there was a text book on how to be the perfect mother to an infertile daughter. thinking of you. Thank you for reading all the books that I read. . It is because of the confidence and values that you instilled in me that made me who I am today. thank you for learning about a world that must be so foreign to you. it would have you as the role model. Thank you for never giving up on me when I went through that dark period. Thank you for taking me to acupuncture after transfer when I couldn’t drive. Thank you for your unwavering support through out my journey. Thank you Mother. Thank you for meeting HdrH. Thank you for taking me to hospital and sitting with me through all those retrievals and transfers. do whatever we wanted to do.A letter to my mother My darling Mother Having a mother like you while growing up was the greatest gift and biggest advantage anyone could ever have given me. Thank you for loving me through all of my rejections of help and love. there were no limitations except our drive. Having you in my life through out my infertility has been a literal life and sanity saver for me. remember how excited we were for our first one? You are much more calming than having Marko huff and puff next to me. Thank you for holding my hand when I had my D&C. Thank you for always thinking about how Marko must be feeling. ambition and creativity. that message helped me so much. so many people forget about him because he doesn’t talk much. Thank you for always having hope for me when I didn’t have for myself. for always taking an interest in what we were doing. Thank you for telling me not to give up when I said I couldn’t do it any more. Thank you for sending me that text message on the day your other daughter gave birth saying “I know this day must be very hard for you.

how you told Dad and Paul that our boy has big balls. You gave me some dignity. Thank you for rushing through to me when I went in labour. Thank you for loving Ben so much while he was still inside. the one we loved so much. Thank you for bringing the nurses vegetables from the garden.Thank you for mediating in the relationship with my sister. you were with me for my first scan. I was their favourite patient. even though I know it was very hard for you. Thank you for having his picture in your bedroom. And oh God Mother. for getting books of your own and giving them to me to read. They love their Mimi very much. for bringing me books. thank you for sitting there in the chair. thank you for being there. I can’t wait for my kids to love you as much as my nieces and nephew do. and being the perfect mother and pillar of strength to your very infertile daughter. Thank you for loving him so much while he was alive. our special boy. that you would love my child 100%. with your whole heart. special treats. That’s not right Mother. For never forgetting about him. for being there for both of us equally. I needed you there. Remember how we laughed when we saw his bits. Thank you for loving him still. pride of place amoung the rest of your grandchildren. Thank you for driving all the way from home to take me to my scans. I know it must be very hard for you to be stuck in the middle of the tension that was between us. for crying with me and on your own about him. no matter where that child came from. when we found it was quads. Thank you for taking me to those appointments at the breast feeding clinics. never got to touch him. whether DE or adoption. for being the perfect mother and grandmother to your very fertile daughter. you never got to hold him. Thank you for reading all the grief books I got. The one we watched get bigger and bigger in my tummy. Thank you for going with me to nearly every scan when I was pg with Luke and Ben. Remember how proud we were of him when he used to roll around and kick on the scans. either entertaining me with stories from home or just sitting quietly. even more. All I wanted was my husband and my mother there. you supported me through out my decision to reduce. Thank you for never taking sides. . you never got to hold him. Thank you for saying to me. where we both sat and cried while I told my story about my little boy in hospital. Thank you for coming to visit me when I was in hospital after having lost Luke. Thank you for washing my underwear. For always talking about him.

Thank you for not allowing the cycle to repeat itself. for your grandchild and for your child. . Thank you for the text message you sent me that said “walking in the garden. Thank you for meeting me at the Dr’s rooms two weeks ago when I thought something was wrong. I felt like a helpless child. for every thing you have done for me. thank you for every thing you have said. I was so full of pain. if I could be half as good a mother to my children as you are to your children. my hero. Thank you for being such a wonderful mother when your own mother never held you. my muse. You just sat and held me and let me cry and wail. I don’t know what I would do without you. more than words can ever express. When people told you not to because I wasn’t a mother. when other people didn’t know what to do with me or for me when I was so raw with grief. looking at the beautiful flowers and thinking of our boy Ben” a few weeks later. I will have done exceptionally well. my chauffeur. my savior. I am so sorry you never got to experience how wonderful it is to have a loving caring mother. thank you. never told you she loved you. I love you. it could have happened so easily. for everything. For thinking of me on a day where I should have been celebrating you. for telling them that I was. Thank you mother. Thank you. Thank you for doing this when other people couldn’t look me in the eye. Thank you for being my good luck charm. and now my bedrest nurse. I know you were grieving too. Marko used to drop me off at your house because I couldn’t even stand any more. my cook. Thank you for taking me to the hospital for sedation when it all got too much for me. There are so many many more things. small things. Thank you thank you thank you. You let me be raw. I couldn’t breath any more. your mother was so hard. For a million things. my therapist. but you had to be strong for me. big things. thank you for taking charge. and for all the times when you said nothing and just listened. I love you very very much. Thank you for loving Kate and Adam as much as I do. Thank you for being so wonderful when your own childhood was so hard.Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for the flowers and beautiful card I got from you on mother’s day this year that said “to a special mother of a special boy”. Thank you for standing up for me.

And to this day. Mom.thank you letter Being a parent must be one of the most difficult responsibilities any person could ever have. I would like you to know that I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. Being an outstanding parent must be an even bigger challenge. Mom and Dad. This is why I would like to extend my utmost gratitude to my parents through this thank you letter for being such wonderful parts of my family life. Dear Mom and Dad. You gave me some of the sweetest memories that sends pangs of homesickness through my heart whenever I remember them and make me feel like I was really loved. I continue to live by the concept of sharing my blessings to the people around me. You taught me so many things about the world and myself that years have not been able to make me forget. You told me that our pets are there for us to care for and not to hurt. staying up sleepless nights when I was sick. . I’m writing this thank you letter. Dad. I remember the effort you put into making me a playhouse in the yard so my friends and I could live out our imaginations of having our own fortress. and loving me wholeheartedly. You taught me to be sympathetic towards the blind old man who used to play his keyboard for small donations on the street. I remember how you would let me sleep in your bed and how you used to bring me my favorite fried chicken whenever I was sick. because I want you to know what a big difference you have truly made in my life. You also taught me to care. Not just about the things that directly affected my life but to all living creatures. And because of that lesson. even if the Lego pieces are long gone. always being present at piano recitals and basketball games. Thank you. I have been able to grow up minus the apathy that plagues most of the people in society today. Teaching me. Mom and Dad. You were the first ones to tell me about the importance of sharing by telling me it wasn’t nice to refuse all my other playmates from using my Legos. giving me an unconditional number of hugs.

Funny how saying that I’d understand that when I was older came true. For cradling me. All the love. smiling at me. Mom and Dad to let you know how much I appreciate you and for everything you’ve done for me. . and loving me. being proud of me. laughing with me. I hope this thank you letter is enough. But now I know that everything you did was for my own good.I may have misunderstood you and your intentions when I was much younger.

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