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based on a story by Will Herbert & Cosmo Wallace
4th July, 2012
FADE IN: INT. 6307 ARROYO GLEN ST. - ORVILLE’S BEDROOM - MORNING For a college freshman the Def Leppard posters, mock leather notepads, kitchen towels and fruit stones laying on the bare carpet might constitute “personality”. But ORVILLE SAGGART is 30 years old, and this is the room of a man who should know better. He snores off a hangover in the centre of the storm: a vast dumping ground of dvds, vinyl, half-assed attempts at screenplays and comics, all stacked on the floor and forgotten for something new. The stacks start to shake. A tower of box-set DVDs topples over. Something is happening outside. Something big. Orville wakes with a start. ORVILLE No, Angelique, not a whole stick of butter! Orville rubs the bags under his eyes. The floor is shaking.
ORVILLE (yells) Carlos, are we having an earthquake? The shaking stops. Peace. has a big satisfied yawn. Ah... Orville drops back down in bed and
There is a CRASH and the floor starts shaking again. ORVILLE In ALL THAT IS HOLY! Orville sits up again, checks the clock. ORVILLE It’s only NOON..! A long SHAKING NOISE drowns him out. Orville hobbles to his feet, mutters over to the sink. Splashes water on his face and looks into the mirror. He looks worse than eggs scrambled with dog shit. Orville looks out the window. There’s a man in the garden. Wearing a hard-hat, holding a toaster. He looks at Orville and waves once, awkwardly.
2. ORVILLE Carlos? Is one of your friends trying to make toast in the garden? There’s that SHAKING again. Another stack of DVDs tumbles over. A squeaky voice yells through the wall - CARLOS, 28, Orville’s house-mate. Orville! CARLOS (O.S.) You’re awake?
ORVILLE What’s happening? CARLOS (O.S.) Tell me something important. Ahhhh, do you get violent when you get angry? The floor shakes angrily. ORVILLE Did you trap raccoons in the oven? CARLOS (O.S.) Not this time. Orville frowns and opens the bedroom door to see... INT. HALL Two MEN dragging an upright piano towards the front door. Hey! ORVILLE That’s Grandpa’s...
The men slam Orville into the wall. UUUUGH! ORVILLE What are you..?
MAN #1 WATCH THE STEP! ORVILLE Where are my..? (tripping over a nail) AAAGH!!! What happened to the..? Orville sees out into the driveway. ORVILLE Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhh...
3. EXT. 6307 ARROYO GLEN ST. - DRIVEWAY A large van in the drive, packed with the house’s contents. ORVILLE ...What the f..? A bunch of neighbors stand outside their houses, watching. ORVILLE WE’RE BEING ROBBED! THESE ASSHOLES ARE TAKING MY STUFF! PHONE THE POLICE! MAN #1 We’re repossession agents... MAN #2 ...Doing our Judge-appointed duty. Orville points at a crate filled with action figures. ORVILLE A Judge wants my vintage Lion-O? ...Yup. INT. HALL Orville staggers through the hall. A repo man brushes past him, weighed down by a huge box with a spider plant sticking out the top of it. ORVILLE Now you’re taking it out on the plants? Orville yanks the spider plant free and runs towards... INT. KITCHEN CARLOS WILLIAMS CARLOS, worst house-mate in the world, hugs a large orthopaedic pillow. He gingerly helps the LEAD REPO MAN, 40’s, funeral home demeanor, load boxes with utensils. Orville staggers in holding the spider plant. takes the plant from Orville and boxes it. CARLOS I’ll put that right here. Orville pulls the spider plant straight back out of the box and yells in Carlos’s face. Carlos smiles, MAN #1
4. Carlos? ORVILLE WAKE ME UP, CARLOS!!!
CARLOS Oh. Yeah. I keep forgetting we didn’t really talk about this yet. ORVILLE ...WHAT DID YOU DO? LEAD REPO MAN We’re repossessing the house and taking the contents as collateral. Orville leans against the table, tries to inhale, but hyperventilates instead. Carlos and the Lead Repo Man ignore him and continue packing up the kitchen. LEAD REPO MAN They just said on KNX it’s gonna stay mideighties all weekend. Very low humidity. Oh, nice! CARLOS Perfect for the beach.
LEAD REPO MAN I wish, brother. I’m working all weekend. Oh, Man! CARLOS That sucks! gets upright, looks around, things out of the boxes as takes out a lamp. A french stack of letters. THESE ARE EVICTION
Orville’s breathing slows. He takes stock. He starts taking Carlos packs them in. Orville press. A vegetable peeler. A What are... LETTERS!!!
CARLOS Yes and no. I mean, mainly yes. There are also angry letters from the bank. ORVILLE OH MY GOD??? What have you been doing with the money in our rent account? Carlos clears his throat. CARLOS The first thing we gotta do is keep calm.
5. Orville answers Carlos by swiping a box off the kitchen table. Kitchen items crash across the floor. My job sucks. LEAD REPO MAN
CARLOS It’s cool. Everything’s cool. Orville, you’re upset. I understand. We all do. Now. Have you heard of a substance called “Crack Rock”..? Orville’s expression freezes. He picks up the spider plant and slowly sinks to the floor, caressing its leaves. He comes back to life like a million volts shot through a laboratory frog. OH MY GOD! YOU ARE! ORVILLE YOU’RE A CRACK HEAD! OF COURSE
Orville leaps towards Carlos, brandishing the spider plant. ORVILLE I’M GOING TO KILL YOU! The Repo Man gets between them, raising a can of CS spray. Just... LEAD REPO MAN Let’s not hurt anyone’s feelings.
Orville looks between them. He reboxes the spider plant in silence and leaves the room. INT. HALL Orville wanders towards his room, in shock. ORVILLE God, please let this be some kind of hallucination. Please let me be clinging to life in an E.R. somewhere. Let there be a white light behind this door. Orville opens his bedroom door. INT. ORVILLE’S ROOM The whole room has been stripped. There’s nothing left -- not the carpet. Not the bed frame. Even the post-its with grocery lists have been taken.
6. A muddy trail of footprints converge at the french doors. ORVILLE Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhh! Orville runs through the french doors into the GARDEN, follows the prints back through the HOUSE and out to the... EXT. DRIVEWAY ...Just in time to see the van reverse out the driveway and take off down the street. Orville stares at it for about five seconds, blinking. he sprints after it down the road. STOP! STOP! ORVILLE GIVE ME BACK MY SHIT!!! Something falls out the back Then
The van hits a bump in the road. and shatters on the ground.
Orville stops in front of it, gasping for air. It’s his spider plant. Orville plucks it out of the road. Neighbors rubberneck at him from their windows and lawns. ORVILLE BRING ME YOUR WEAPONS, PEOPLE! DESPERATE MAN! No response. Orville wails. I’m a
ORVILLE I’m GLAD I NEVER CAME TO ANY OF YOUR PARTIES! INT. HALL Orville wanders back in. He looks worse than Jack Nicholson’s frozen corpse in “The Shining”. ORVILLE CARLOS, WHERE ARE YOU, MOTHERFUCKER? INT. KITCHEN Orville stands in the doorway. Carlos sips a cup of tea. Are you happy?
ORVILLE Everything I have is gone.
7. Carlos raises a piece of paper and tries to decode it. CARLOS Lead dude gave me this: sweet guy, only semiliterate. “House occupiers were...” What is this? -- “behaving in a THREETENING manner.” Orville yanks the paper out of Carlos’s hands. ORVILLE HE CALLED THE FRICKIN’ COPS? CARLOS They’ll be at least, like, ten minutes... Hot drink? ORVILLE Hot drink? “HOT DRINK”? -- Do I look..? need a PLACE TO..!? -- HOT DRINK??? CARLOS Let’s just relax and get our chill back. ORVILLE Oh, this can’t be happening. BE HAPPENING! Carlos sighs. CARLOS Look, I’m sorry. I screwed up. screw up. I always THIS CANNOT I
ORVILLE I shouldn’t be talking to you. I should be smashing your face with a meat tenderizer! CARLOS We don’t have a meat tenderizer. Not now! ORVILLE
CARLOS I wouldn’t mind if you killed me. I’m in much deeper shit than you are. If you knew the guys I owe money to? I mean... I look at you -- in the terrible position I just put you in -- and I’m jealous. Compared to me... You’re a lucky man, Orville. You really should be more grateful. Stop talking. ORVILLE
8. Orville totters to the sink and sticks his head under the faucet. Cooling off. Calming down. Carlos edges behind him and clears his throat. CARLOS This is awkward, but you kinda owe me thirty bucks. Last week’s utility bill. ORVILLE You didn’t pay last week’s utility bill. I know. CARLOS But still...
ORVILLE I swear, Carlos, I’m five seconds away from manslaughter. CARLOS Okay, okay. It’s just... that thirty bucks. I really need
ORVILLE I DON’T HAVE THIRTY BUCKS, CARLOS! CARLOS That’s disappointing. Do you have anything here worth thirty bucks? ORVILLE THEY TOOK EVERYTHING! CARLOS You didn’t hide anything in advance? Orville stares at Carlos. He considers screaming.
CARLOS Orville? You seem super stressed. At times like this, you gotta ask yourself dude, “What would Gandhi do?” Orville looks away, thinking about what Gandhi would do. Then Orville steps forwards and launches his right fist with terrific velocity into Carlos’s nutsack. Carlos drops to the floor like he’s been shot.
9. CARLOS OGGHHHWWWWAAAAAAAAAH! (breathes in) That was, like, THE OPPOSITE OF GANDHI... Orville storms out of the kitchen. He returns and looks around for something of Carlos’s to destroy. He picks up Carlos’s cup, downs his hot drink in one painful gulp, then smashes it on the floor. He snatches up the spider plant, and then notices Carlos’s orthopaedic pillow. No... CARLOS
He grabs it up and storms out of the room. I NEED THAT! EXT. ARROYO GLEN ST. Orville stomps down the driveway with the pillow under his arm, swearing blindly. He breaks into a run as a police-car pulls up to the house. ROLL CREDITS: Over the CREDITS, we see Orville’s day. He wanders the STREETS with the pillow and spider plant -Bursts into tears in a FAST FOOD RESTAURANT -Yells at his cell phone when it won’t connect him -Swears at a MOTEL RECEPTIONIST -Kicks an ATM and runs away from a SECURITY GUARD -Swears in PUBLIC like a crazy person -Knocks on a FRIEND’S DOOR that doesn’t get answered -Is CHASED from a house by an ANGRY DOG -Runs across the SANTA MONICA FREEWAY -Walks past a BUS STOP swearing -And finally, walks up to the front door of a RICKETY HOUSE with a broken truck in the driveway. CARLOS DUDE, WHAT ABOUT MY VERTEBRAE?!
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