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September is National Velociraptor Awareness Month! The American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention, along with the North American Velociraptor Defense Association and the United Velociraptor Widows Fund, will be providing free velociraptor safety seminars at local Red Cross centers across the nation. Contact your local center for more information.

Velociraptor attack is the 3rd leading cause of death for men age 27-29. However, everyone must think about the implications of velociraptors: young and old, men, women and transgendered persons. The American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention is a bi-partisan group of professionals, dedicated to the diffusion of Velociraptor compared in size to a human. knowledge Courtesy: Wikipedia concerning velociraptor attack prevention.

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Know the Enemy
The velociraptor is a bipedal carnivore with a long, stiffened tail and can be distinguished from other dromaeosaurids by its long and low skull, with an upturned snout. It bores a relatively large, sickle-shaped claw, typical of dromaeosaurid and troodontid dinosaurs. This enlarged claw, up to 67 millimeters (2.6 in) long around its outer edge, is a predatory device, used to tear into the prey, delivering a fatal blow. Velociraptors are commonly found on tropical islands, converted to millionarie amusement parks, but are commonly being sighted in the Pacific Northwest. Of the essential facts you should know about velociraptors:
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Velociraptors hunt in packs, and are known to form an equilateral triangle around its prey. Velociraptors can accelerate 4 m/s2, with a top speed of 25 m/s on open terrain, 10 m/s while wounded, and 10 m/s in indoor labratories. Velociraptors can open doors, but are slowed by them. They can open an initial door in approximately 5 minutes, and will take half that time for each subsequent door. Velociraptors do not know fear.

New Home Buyer Tips
When buying a new home, there are a few things to look out for when assessing potential velociraptor attacks: 1. Check all doors and windows. Doors should be made of solid oak or steel. Windows should have steel bars with spacing smaller than the average raptor. 2. Make sure all entryways have adequate deadbolts. Quality deadbolts may be purchased at your local Home Depot. 3. Always keep a loaded big-game rifle under your bed, and tire irons near every door. Remember, you should never be farther than 20 feet away from a tire iron.

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Know thine enemy
The velociraptor is a bipedal carnivore with a long, stiffened tail and can be distinguished from other dromaeosaurids by its long and low skull, with an upturned snout. It bores a relatively large, sickle-shaped claw, typical of dromaeosaurid and troodontid dinosaurs. This enlarged claw, up to 67 millimeters (2.6 in) long around its outer edge, is a predatory device, used to tear into the prey, delivering a fatal blow. Velociraptors are commonly found on tropical islands, converted to millionaire amusement parks, but are, due to global warming, commonly being seen all over the world. Of the essential facts you should know about velociraptors:

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Velociraptors have no natural enemies, aside from possibly echidnae. An echidna can be used as a last-resort defense mechanism if thrown at a velociraptor's eyes. This seems to deter them somewhat. Velociraptors hunt in packs, and are known to form an equilateral triangle around its prey. Velociraptors can accelerate 4 m/s squared, with a top speed of 25 m/s on open terrain, 10 m/s while wounded, and 10 m/s in indoor laboratories.

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Velociraptors can open doors, but are slowed by them. They can open an initial door in approximately 5 minutes, and will take half that time for each subsequent door. Velociraptors do not know fear. While velociraptors prefer to attack young children and 50-year-old virgins, they will not hesitate to kill and possibly eat any and all members of the public. Velociraptors stand about crotch high. They will use this to their advantage.

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Safety around Velociraptors
Velociraptors will attack on the street or in the house; their preferred method is to wear disguises such as trench-coats, mustaches, and Darth Vader voice changers. Warn your children against any strangers offering them candy, sex, or ultimate power over the galaxy. Several safety precautions that one can take include:
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Never, ever being more than 20 feet away from a tire iron. Carrying an assault rifle at all times loaded with 100-round snail clips Driving around in an armored personnel carrier Keeping an echidna somewhere on you at all times. Possibly strapped to your head as a spiky helmet. Teaching your children the 'kill' spots on velociraptors Wearing clean underwear at all times Refraining from having wild, promiscuous, binge sex with odd-looking lizards Keeping a copy of the Holy Bible on your person at all times as a last-resort bludgeoning tool

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New Home Buyer Tips
When buying a new home, there are a few things to look out for when assessing potential velociraptor attacks:
• • •

Check all doors and windows. Doors should be made of solid oak or steel. Windows should have steel bars with spacing smaller than the average raptor. Make sure all entryways have adequate deadbolts. Quality deadbolts may be purchased at your local Home Depot. Always keep a loaded big-game rifle under your bed, and tire irons near every door. Remember, you should never be farther than 20 feet away from a tire iron. Velociraptors are really fucking scary.

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Origins
Nobody really knows where these creatures came from, or how they were made. One theory, the Single Egg Theory, postulates that they hatched from an egg left in Hell's Kitchen for three days and three nights. Critics of this theory point out that this does not account for the trench-coats commonly worn by velociraptors. Other academics support the Batman theory. This suggests that after Dick Grayson was born to Batman, he changed his name to Dick Tracy and invented the trench-coat. He then stole all of Batman's cool shit and created the velociraptors, giving them trench-coats as they were born. Strangely, these coats never require dry-cleaning. Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Velociraptor"

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