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Parking Structure Bobby

was over at your a... I went to one of these malls.

You got a big mall going on over there.
The galleria there. Holy Shit!
I went over to the mall.
I, I had to park nearby in a parking structure.
You know when you park... in the parking structure...
you you you know you go up like, there's like 40 stories,
and you always have to park up on the fucking roof.
What do they pave that with? What is that? That's not concrete.
Whatever that's paved - you could be like driving 5 miles an hour.
It sounds like you're in a chase scene from Chips!
It's like,
I'm backing up!
What the fuck is that? You got sneakers on.
You're trying to walk in,
Where's the door?!
Keep it going for that joke.
Keep it going. That's only the first of many.
In fact, let me do that one again just so we all feel like we're a part of it.
You ever go to the mall there, The Galleria? There's a parking structure.
What is that paved with? It's not cement.
*Dane Chuckling*

Umm, Helllllo?
Then get this right? I'm driving along man I'm driving as I'm driving, I'm driving safely. I'm obeying
the rules..of the road. Whatever sign comes at me I look at it and I go ..Ok. you got it, sign. Right
so I'm driving safely all of a sudden a guy in another lane compeletly oblivious to me. He starts
coming into my lane. JUST COMING IN And if I didn't see him coming in..accident. But because I
saw him..ah I say HEYY Right i see. I assess the situation. I see I assess the sit you aye shun.
And then I uh eased on the brake. As he's coming I ease. And I said what anybody here says
automatically when this happens. You can't help it. It just comes out, ready? ready?...Um, Hello?
..Um, Hi? Hello? Unless you're black. If you're black it's a little differnt. If you're black it's uh check
out this mothafucka..check out this mothafucka! If you're chinese it's *screech* *crash* So
that's...that's nice.

I go to this car accident. I got in this car accident recently right? Not my fault! This car accident
was not my fault. Right but you know how it goes..Get in a car accident even if it is not your fault.
The other person, they get out of their car look at you like it's your fault. Even if it is CLEARLY
their fault they get out.They're like..Alright? why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you
doing 80?! WHY DID YOU STOP AT A RED LIGHT?.. Then you get out right? You go you start
looking at the damage. You start looking. Keep looking at each other and back at the
damage...Will you please come and look at my damage with me sir? If we look together maybe
some magic will happen. This is horri- feel this! This even feels damaged! Do you have tools, can
you fix this right now? This is horribly- this feels so horribly damaged. Even if I was blind I would
know this is horribly damaged by the way it feels.

Then you gotta exchange the information right? That sucks cuz nobody ever has a fucking pen.
You stand there. Do you have a pen- I don't have a pen...Can you remember all my shit? Do you
have a lipstick or something? A crayon? Right? SO when you finally's what happens. You
finally get information going and you print your stuff nice and clean. Ther you go..there's my. I
highlight. Everything's nice. You give him the.. there you go. It's in an envelope. Ugh yeah. Nice
and- But then you get their information and it looks like they were having a fucking seizure while
writing it. You're like dude you got like a 28 digit phone number going on here buddy.And under
name you drew a picture of a monkey fucking a coconut. What is that? Is your name Monkey
fucking a coconut sir? MFC? is that you? MFC? That's a monkey.. that could be a melon looks
like a coco-nut.Then you take a's where it starts getting embarrasing right? You take
asecond while you're doing the exchange. you just look around for a second and there's people
EVERYWHERE.They're like building bleachers on the sidewalk and shit. People coming out of
bushes...What? accident? I'm gonna watch for awhile! Wow! They're discussing it right there!

Car Accident
We love car accidents in this country, we are obsessed with car accidents! I know you're like me,
right, it's like 2:00 in the morning, it's dead quiet, you're in bed watching T.V., it's all quiet. Then all
of a sudden outside at the corner you here *screech!!* "DAMMIT! SHIT! That sounded like it was
going to hit! You always want it to hit! *screech* "COME ON! NOTHING!" and Then when you
finally here the crash you're siked, its like *scree..bang!* "where are my shoes, YES, where are
my shoooes? Have you seen my shoes? Fuck it, I'm going out with out shoes...I'm going out
"shoeless". Right, you come out of your house, all your neighboors are coming out, right. You're
waiving at each other, your siked to see eachother. You're like "come on. Wanna go together?
Come on, let's, me and you, no no, you wait for the next group. Come on! We'll go as a
team, NO you wait for the next group." ...and then you get out there, it's no big deal, but everyone
stands out there for two extra hours. It's over, no one is hurt or anything, but everyone has to stay
out there! Even it's hot everyone has to act like they're cold and shit" ..*deep breathing* "Hey,
what's up? Just had to see whats going on. *heavy breathing* ... and it doesn't matter who you
start talking to, I gaurentee everyone is having the exact conversation. No matter who you get
into it with, all anybody is saying like back and forth is... " Yea, yea, well no, I was in my kitchen
and I heard it, so I came out. You were in living room? I was in my kitchen cleaning a dish. I heard
it, I came out! What, you were in your basement, he was in his living ro..I was in my kitchen
cleaning a dish, I was really cleaning and I heard it so I came out. What,shoes? NO NO! FUCK
SHOES! HEHE SHOES! AHAHA, Listen to this guy with shoes, HAHAHA YOU! Shoes over here.
And everybody always wants to be apart of the police, you know what I mean? We want to be
involved, you know, we want to talk to the cops when they come near you know... "Officer, uh, I'm
sorry, I just want you to know, if it helps in your investigation, I was in my kitchen and I heard it so
I came out. I will testify in court, I was cleaning a dish. I will bring the dish as exhibit A. And this
guy, he was in his basement, tell him what you told me! Tell him what you told me! That's not what
he told me, he's lieing, that's not what you told me!"

Tire in the Face

Did you see that clip they were like showing the other day on uh ESPN or whatever. They were
showing like the best crazy accidents or something. It was like the best of the worst car you know
like. They showed this one clip man . If you saw this this was nuts. The two cars go around the
corner and they like catch each other they start to roll. The tire flys into the stands, hit's a woman
in the face! And when you first saw it you were like OOOOOO That tire just hit that woman in the
in the face! Oh good they're showin it again Look Look Look Look at this right here. Slow it
down..yeah that's when it hits her in the face. And the funny thing is evrybody around the lady like
dove out of there. Everyone got out of there but she just like sits there like. You see everyone
dives and at the last minute as the tire is rocketing at her face. This is her defense. She goes
OOOOO . Like she's just gonna get in a slap fight with a Goodyear.Like she's just gonna go PAH
and deflect it. Or maybe she just palmed it PAH. There can only be one Highlander! Tires cannot
defeat me! What a horrible way to go...WHat happened to Mary? A tire..hit her in the face.How do
you say that without laughing. A tire- I can't even do it now! How did Mary die?.. A TIRE hit her in
the FACE!...What was she doing putting her face near tires? No no no no this tire hunted Mary
down. This tire murdered Mary. This tire wasn't fucking around as we like to say. This tire was out
for vengeance. I don't wanna die with a tire hitting me in the goddamn face.

There's certain ways that people when they bite it and they show it on
the new... you laugh. Like who gets killed by bees?!
Anytime they come on the news like, "A man in Austin was killed by bees."
I just fucking laugh. How do you get killed by bees?!
If you're walking through the woods, right, and you come near a bush
and you hear *BZZZZZZZZZZZ* just, you know,
Run away from that bush. Whos going near that bush going,
"HEY IS THAT BEES?" hold on one second, "OH JEEZE! AHHH!"
Dude Fuck that! I would punch every bee in the face!
Bees aren't taking me out, I'd be like, "FUCK YOU BEE!"
"Where's the next bee at?!" It's a fucking bee!
I could undestand if it was like killer horses, Thats scary shit!
Flying through the air kicking you in the face

Know one wants to drown. drowning would be the worst, cause everyone
knows that feeling. That feeling that you get, Oh its the worst.
When you think you're drowning. like during the summer,
You're like at a pool party or something.

"I'm gonna go into the deep end. Watch my dive. Watch my dive.
"Right, then you dive in.
And the second you get to the bottom your like,
And you always some up under the kid on the raft.
"Jesus Christ Timmy! Do not float above me when
I'm Dying in the Abyss! Your son almost killed me with his,
Uhhhh, Daffy Duck raft over here John. Your son tried to murder me
in your pool. Float away for me. Float away."

Fire. Has anyone here ever been fully engulfed in fire?

Its gotta be soo hot. That is way to fucking hot.
Its the worst feeling when you burn yourself too.
You know, sometimes you're making sure soup or some oodlesof noodles
or something; Or you're cooking up some crack. And you know,
You touch the side of the pot. Just that little
"WOAH!!" That, Fucking kills!! That little thing, you can't take a shower
for like three weeks. You gotta like hold your hand out cause the steam
makes you angry. You try to bring your hand in,

You know what would be the worst?? This would be the ultimate worst
right here. What if you dove into the pool, and while you were
at the bottom of the pool freaking out, somebody poured oil on the
surface and lit it on fire! Yeah then you're like,
You gotta just keep swimming around, feeling for a spotwhere theres
no fucking fire. Then, What if you found a circle where there was no fire,
but the second you came up a big dude just punched you in the face
"Get back in the fiery water!
You don't come out of the fiery water, cover up that hole with some fire now!
Get back in the fiery water!"

Fireman & Policeman & Miniature Golf Course Security Guard

When I was a little kid I thought I wanted to be a fireman. I think a lot of guys- Did you wanna be a
fireman when you were a little kid? People ask you..What do you want to be?.. I wanna be a
FIREMAN! I didn't really wanna be a fireman. i thought I did. I just really wanted to spray shit with
a hose. That's what I really wanted to do. I wanted to be like a spray-man. No I was fucking good.
I'm not laughing. I was really good with the hose. I could make it look like if make it feel like it was
raining.If you closed your eyes, you would think it was raining. That's how good I was.You'd be
like Oh my god it is really raining. It's very cold rain. That's how good I was and I'm not laughing.
You're laughing, i'm not laughing. I could not be a fire- If I go to a house and it was fully on fire.
Fuck that! I quit. I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everybody else. And the woman
next to me be like ...Please my son, he's screaming in there. I'd be like Well he's probably on fire!
That's what happens when you're on fire lady...What are you doing out here? You fucking think for
yourselfer. Why didn't you make a map for him or something?

A policeman. I don't know how they do that job man. What about those cops in New York. I just
saw this on CNN a few days ago. In New York, these cops freaked out, they shot this guy like 15
times cuz they said they thought he had a grenade. He was eating a pear! How do you fuck that
up?! Unless he was eating it like OOOOO THAT'S A DELICIOUS PEAR!

I had one uh job that was kinda cop-like. One summer I did uh security at a miniature golf course.
Just standing out in the sun all day... Hey hey excuse me Sir get your putter out of the whale's
ass! Come one this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground, even though it
looks like a playground.

So many crappy- the first job I had, right. The first job when I was uh 17 uh was Burger King. That
was the first job that I had, alright. I didn't want to call it Burger King either cuz like yanno. So I
used to call it the BK Lounge. If the girls were like...Where do you work?..I was like I work down
at the BK Lounge. I'm a bouncer at the BK Lounge.. Can we get in?..Not without coups. Not
without coups baby. So I get the job because my one older brother, my older brother Darrell. He's
the manager and I'm like this is gonna be awesome cuz my bro,manager hooked me up.. He was
a dick! He thought he was THE Burger King! You know what I'm saying? He sucked! He would
put me on drive thru every single night.

Why to this day do people insist on yelling at the drive thru? It's modern technology. I'd have my
little headset. Welcome to Burger King. May I please take your order?..WHOPPER.
Sir?..WHOPPER NO ONION. Excuse me, I'm fucking bleeding from the ears here ok? Let's turn
the main down a tad, ok skidrow? LARGE FRY MOTHAFUCKA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU BURGER

I would rather have had people yell, it was when people didn't talk loud enough. That drove me
CRAZY. I'd have like 10 cars out there and I'd be like Hi Mam May I please take your
order?..*mumbles* some pickles, no no no cheese, uh extra cheese, pickles ..What do you want?
What do you want?..*mumbles* bun seeds, no bun seeds..What do you want?... no no no no yes
no cheese, extra pickles *mumbles* how much? eh cheese..Mam I can't-hello?...pickle, extra
pickles, cheese, bun seeds, and pickles all my pickles and some extra pickly pickles,cheese,
pickles..OK are you trying to molest me via drive thru. What are you saying?.. Chicken tenders.
Sweet and sour sauce on my pussy! DRIVE AROUND GET SOME SAUCE DRIVE AROUND
MAM SAUCE SAUCE SAUCE she want's it her way. That's our motto. It's- come on sauce!

I took I took a lady's order one time. I'll never forget this. I go like this.. Mam. That'll be $3.75.
Please drive around. And then there's like this long pause and then she goes.. Where do I go?
...Where do you go?! You follow the one fucking road you're on to me! ...Where do you Ok mam
you're gonna go to the Texaco station. Take a right. Go 5 and a half miles southeast.You're gonna
see a guy in a yellow poncho. His name is Hank. He'll take you to the whopper Lair. That's where
you go. And you've got 10 minutes to get there or we take your food!

I’ll tell you what dream used to scare me when I was a little kid
Used to actually totally give me nightmares:
Remember those kool-aid commercials?
Where that big talking bowl of punch
he would come crashing through your fuckin’ wall in your living room?
You wouldn’t even know it (crash)
“Oh yeahhh! Oh yeahhh! Oh yeahhh!”
Right? And the little kids were all excited, “Yes! Yes!”
And then they would drink out of him after debris fell in his open, dumb head.
He would pour himself, “Oh Yeahhh! Oh Yeahhh!”
Him and his crazy tights.
I don’t like that. I don’t like when juice wears tights.
It’s a horrible combination, a bowl of juice wearing tights.
Fuck drinking out of him if that was me I’d be like,
“No, no, no. You fix that wall before my dad gets home from work.
He’s gonna beat me with a belt,
He’s not gonna believe a talking bowl of fruit punch came in here.
You stupid idiot.
Yeah comin’ through the wall is real fuckin’ cool.
Using the front door is cool, don’t touch me you drink!
Don’t touch me you giant beverage!
You are sweating or condensating,
I will kick you in the tights and you will go down your very top heavy.
You glass bitch.
You glass bastard.”
“Oh Yeahhh!”
“Oh, no. Naughty, naughty kool-aid.”
“Oh yeahhh?”
“No, no.”
“Oh yeahhh?”