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When I wake up in the morning, go to bed at night, look at the news, or wonder about a friend, I think to myself, "Why can't I just get paid?" When I go to work and the man is hounding me, on my case about nothing, I think to myself, "Why can't I just get paid?" When I am walking down the street and I see people with nice cars, nice jewelry, nice everything, I say, "Is this what life is all about? Is this why I want to get paid?" The answer to that question is "yes,” because even though it means nothing, it is part of how society judge's human beings, just like an asset! Some are addicted to materialistic things, but me, I wonder why I cannot be paid; have a nice home, be my own man and just chill. It is like with anybody who goes to a professional basketball game and watches people on the court making millions to put a ball in the hoop; some enjoy it, but some sit back and wonder why they cannot be paid like that. On the other hand, when you see the Donald Trumps of the world who continue to catch a break and are able to start over from scratch with new money, I have to sit and wonder why life has forsaken most, why cannot we just be paid! It is funny because people do not understand what it takes to get where those people who are paid are; they just want the opportunity without sacrifice. It will not happen, trust me; people are not always that lucky. From the time I wake up in the morning to the time I go to bed at night, I always stress about the fact that I just cannot be paid. Maybe it is I, or maybe its society not allowing me to strive. Yeah, right! That cannot be it. People are always telling me, James if you put your mind to it, and have some dedication you can accomplish anything. I wonder sometimes if that is true at all. I mean, I want to grow up in this world knowing that my hard labor will be unrecognized. Nevertheless, when is enough, enough? When does my effort start to pay dividends? I just want to be paid and I am willing to do whatever it takes to succeed? However, what does that actually mean?
When does sacrifice meet laziness? Alternatively, hard work meets no work at all. I have not reached my full potential yet, I know that. Maybe that is my hook; maybe when I think I am not there, I am there whether the money is or not. People, like my father, are always stressing about the fact that you grow older and not younger, you need a base, you need sacrifice, and you need ambition. He never says though he can help, come back into a young boy’s life, pick up a brick, and help build that base, there is a big point he always remembers to leave at home. I know, understand, and value life, but where do I stand as far as my place under the sun? Whose advice is sacred and essential, and who is just trying to speak, just to back me up further from my ultimate goal, how does one distinguish the two? These questions believe me; do not make me a better person or a less of a person by any stretch of the imagination. I am no better than that drug dealer on the street is, or that kid who is out there gangbanging on the streets with his or her own issues. I am no better than that women out there who will live through my book of life everyday, and who will struggle to try and survive, make a living by doing what it takes, but not always doing what's right, just doing what it takes. Life has its issues and they are issues that we all deal a hand in, not just those noticeable addicts out there who do things that we as a community believe is not the American way. You must always keep in mind that if life is a game. It is a game in which the ones before you thought up, and then passed down. This game can only be looked at from one vague perspective, education. From education, we can form our own rules to this game and allow for the ones after us to play it, which is why instead of the old way, we can begin a new way. The key always is that you know how to play the game affectively. Read it, study it, and believe in it for you, yourself. Addiction is a person enjoying a specific aspect of life, that being whatever it is. Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes all play a vital role in addiction because it ruins our ability to play the game effectively. Alcohol is the one substance I will talk about the most in my book, because it involves me, it involves a person I look up to, and respect, it is the reason I feel I was neglected and
stranded. Alcohol addiction is an uncontrollable substance because most that are addicted to it enjoy the fact they cannot stop. I want to give you an introduction about my mom, as cool as she was and probably will always is, at least one day she was the best thing in my father's life. Life is funny like that sometimes, especially living in a world you feel less worthy than everyone else. Where did it all start for me? I tell myself, or better yet ask myself that everyday. Reach up and wish I could grab God by the neck for putting me in this, in this situation, in this family that only seems to get more and bitterer, extreme, angrily unfit daily. I like to sit sometimes and think they are human beings out there who are faced with these same ambitions to leave their own loving families(or at least it should be) and go far away from life as they know it and just go. I wonder if they sit and think up ways to venture out of their souls, the souls that keep them planted in the same environment, culture even though they want to get out. I always sit back and wish I could lash out to someone, anyone, and shout, “come into my brain, understand me, feel me, help me, please! Hmm, what kind of story would be better to tell than a story straight from the soul about a family that would be very much well off if I never existed at all, moved back into my mother’s womb and never became a human being. What a story right, tell the world how you feel they say, tell the world how you are reacting to it they say, forget all that, im gone tell the world how people react to me. I want to tell the world about the journey I had in this idiotic family horror movie.
Wanita, my mom, grew up outside of Los Angeles in a small town called Vernon. Wanita was the party girl who loved her family. She always had a strange way of showing her love, but never the less, she loved her family. It was the most sacred thing she had. She often went out clubbing with a person whom everyone in the neighborhood knew as, the person all the women loved. You know people like this, have friends, but love their female friends even more. She for some reason would only attend this club that my soon to be dad was
working at called club Sharkies. Back then, club Sharkies was a well-known comedy club outside of Fudge Town, California. My dad was apparently the opening act every weekend. You may say. You got me, but my guess is that he was a comedy act in itself around this small no name town. Every time my mom would go to Sharkies, she would hope he would say something that would blow her off her feet. Well from what I know, a young virgin love, a woman in heat, will always latch on to something they think will be the love of their life, the one they can someday called their own, pat themselves on the back, as if they did a great job choosing a celebrity loser.
One day Wanita, my mom, or towards the middle of this long drawn out scenario,” my mom” only, went out with my aunt and two of her friends. Now, going out with my aunt was said to be an attention breaker. I have no idea. Knowing how they get when they drink and go out, my mom was surely to be outcaste as the civilized one in the bunch for sure, and catch the eye of my dad. Maybe this would work in my mom eyes, better yet, of course, it would work. It was said to me though that my dad was the suave type who could not keep a girl more that about 2 weeks. He was not a bad lover, just that he didn’t want them around that long, time to move on sort of speak type of guy, but, for some odd twist of God fate, my mom knew it would definitely last forever.
Alcohol is something my mom became addicted to subject to her surroundings. I never could understand the reasoning behind why people are addicted to things. In my life, so far I have tried everything and never had a need for anything. I could always shake what I did not want. I do understand that alcohol is a suppressant and it stimulates the mind, but a person also knows it kills like any other drug out there. Now, granted it is legal and we should accept that people do get carried away, its killing families, and our society, like weed and narcotics. I say narcotics because, weed to most, is not considered a substance of
addiction and even scientific record back this statement to be true. Although many people choose to smoke weed to get high, it can be left alone at any point with no urgency to return; I have seen it happen. I have seen people try to shake narcotics and alcohol, but
when the going gets rough the street corner or corner liquor store is the place to be. No matter how much research you do, or how many studies you perform, or how many health facts you dig up surrounding alcohol, you can never convince me it is safe, or maybe even healthy if taken in small quantities.
I want to give you, if I may; a little story that will bring to light some of the issues that will probably affect people who feel that turning to something to ease the pain can only kill the situation that much more. It has about a boy name James (me) who tries so hard to get it done, conquering the fascinations of the streets and life's general hardships.
One day down in the old neighborhood there lived a woman by the name of Wanita Thomas who gave birth to an 8lb. 7oz. baby boy named James Tyrone Thomas. Wanita was a great woman; she was doing very well for herself and had the almost perfect life, but as you will see later, some bad male decisions and wishful thinking would force little James when he got older to take his mother's last name. Towards the end of this strange story, the last name issue will play a big role. No thought was put into this decision at first when James father told Wanita to give him her last name, I do not know if it was because they thought it did sound better, I do not think Wanita had a clue, happiness was so obvious, that she did not have a clue it had a purpose. Her husband was a great man, he never beat her, and never raised his hand to her, allowed her to do as she pleased, and he took care of the family almost solely. However, little did she know circumstances coming about were going to change her whole approach on life, a life that will turn to its heaviest? As for little James, he was a terrific boy who did not have a clue as to what he would be facing in his short
dismal future. One day, (as we jump into James short-lived toddler life) while everyone was at breakfast, Uncle Rust and Aunt Jean came by the house, oh God, if this does not ring a bell! Uncle Rust and Aunt Jean never ate at home! They had no food there and no way of getting to it, so they wanted everyone in the family to think. Maybe it was hard for him or her, maybe it was not, no one asked, and no one but father paid the issue a mind. Everyone had a problem with their freeloading Asses, but no one seemed to care enough to ask. Anyway, they came over often and always expected to have a hot meal in front of them because the family knew they were broke and should be willing to give without hesitation, not even having a conscious as to why or what for. Uncle Rust always walked in the house with his same old routine, never knocking, never greeting, just walking in, and going straight to the table. He always said as he was walking in the door, "Damn I am hungry; I haven't eaten sense last Tuesday, no joke. My stomach is tearing up, woo, oh damn (grieving) I need to hurry up and eat before my stomach jumps out my body." Wanita, being that she did have a heart was a good person, probably knew when someone was taken advantage of good courteous hospitality, and she figured, this was one of those times. "Why the hell haven't you eaten Rust?” says Wanita. My father always wanted to play the mediator, the person that rather personalized every situation to make someone feel sorry for no good family members. "Why you ask that baby, you know they're broke, just fix them a plate, will you. Give them mine I have to split for a minute and I will get a little something on the way. Thank you baby, see you later." Aunt Jean then jumps in." Believe me you don't want to know." "I already know, believe me! Lord gives them some money (as she looks up to the ceiling in the kitchen) so they can stay from over here, it is not that I do not love them, but I cannot continue to do this. They don't appreciate shit and I cannot go on cooking for six everyday, please." She then takes dishes to the table and begins to serve when she hears a cry from James upstairs in the bed. "You'll hold up, little James is crying. Rust, bless the
food and ill be back, here me," Wanita says as she is approaching the stairs. Wanita walks upstairs to tend to James. Meanwhile downstairs, Rust and Jean are talking about Wanita and her damn temper. Rust whispers, "Why is she always tripping about our situation? Huh! She lucky she got family that stills comes by this damn place, shit! Good Lord, I mean, she should be happy she can afford to do for others, you know what I'm saying." "I know baby, let's just eat, and leave. Try to have a good time okay and then we will go," says Rust wife in a sort of lame excuse kind of way. "We need some new freeloading relatives, for real," says Rust. Wanita had to be upstairs about three minutes or so before there was a loud scream. She walks into the room, checks the bottle on her arm and looks down to James only to find that he has been shot. Rust and Jean paused for a minute then scream up the stairs, "Wanita what's wrong, are you okay?" Uncle Rust then without hesitation runs up the stairs after no answer from Wanita and goes into the room. "What's wrong what's going on? Oh my God, what the hell happen here," after seeing the blood? "My baby is shot, oh my god, oh my god please do something." Rust picks up the baby takes him downstairs to the living room. "Jean, call an ambulance, call them now!" The ambulance seems to be in no rush as Wanita tries to stop the bleeding around James's head. "Where is all this blood coming from," says Wanita franticly. "Move Wanita, go to the tub and run some water, do it now," says Rust in a serious but demanding voice. As she runs upstairs, Wanita keeps mumbling to try and calm herself down, "Oh God why, Oh God please don't take my baby." She turns on the water and fills the tub. "Okay, bring him here," she says. At this point Jean, goes down stairs once again to meet the ambulance as she hears them approaching. "Hey,” says Jean, "I hear them coming, and I'm going outside." She goes outside to greet them as they approach the house, but they continue to drive at a fast speed, past the house they go, until they completely missed the house all together, and then they turn away. "What the hell was that all about?" Rust's wife says, She screams at the top of her lungs upstairs to Rust and Wanita that the ambulance has just past. "Hey Rust, the
ambulance just passed us, I don't know what's going on." Upstairs Rust hears his wife and then turns to Wanita." We need to take him ourselves, we do not have time to call them again, and we will worry about them later. Get his coat and those towels and let us go. Get that pillow also. "Why did they do this to my baby, oh God please help my baby. As they come downstairs, Rust sees his wife at the bottom of the stairs crying and picks her up and carries her while Wanita carries James to the car and put them both in with no hesitation and began to head to the hospital in the car.
Ten years later James is in the 7th grade for the second time. I do not think reality has hit poor little James yet, but it seems as if maybe the incident has shaken him just a little. James parents suffered a lot during his recovery, and bills piled up so much that dad was hardly around because work was all he had to keep the family at ease. I mean bill after bill, I think James was getting a little frustrated about not seeing his father. I think he thought the only way to help the situation was to do as everyone else in his neighborhood did. At age five, weary but acknowledgeable of life, the sense of fast cash was even considering sucking up a 5-year-old kid. "This shit sucks man, I don't care about this school anymore. Damn man, I just want to get paid," says James to his good friend Marcus in the schoolyard at recess one day. Now Marcus came up to James with sort of a grin on his face, kind of as to say to James, "I know what you are going through man I want to just get paid too. Nevertheless, look at it like this dog; you are only five, or six, man how old are you anyway? You can't do anything about being broke but to do just be broke, feel me.” “Besides James, where in the hell are you going to get paid being that you are only in the 5th grade, tell me that!” Then James turns and sees a little boy behind him. James wanted to say something that would of lead anyone else to a scuffle in the schoolyard, but instead he peacefully says to Marcus, "So what man, I don't care!" "Hey James man if you really want to handle this problem that bad man, handle it. Just do not do anything you will regret
later man because you have forever to be paid, seriously. Hey I'm going to steal another apple juice from the cafeteria, you gone be around later or no?" "Yeah I'll be here, says James, steal me one too I'm going to think Blackman, one." (SILENCE)
Back at home, James's father scores some Lakers tickets for Magic's debut back into the N.B.A., a place he should have never left, in my opinion, the best player to play the game out right. He is trying one of those magical comebacks, I would say. A real "no spark for the lake show," you know, it is like, yeah right, not Magic Johnson. James's dad notices James come in and go upstairs so he runs to greet him, "Hey son I got tickets to this Lakers game tonight, I know how badly you wanted to go to this game so I got us tickets okay, isn’t that cool?" "That's cool pop." "Cool,” says James father, we leave at 6pm sharp. "Cool pop I'll be ready," says James as he retreats to his room to think and do a little homework, something that is not likely to be done anytime soon but we as kids always mean well, start it, not to finish, at least we start it, you know. It was not long after that James and his father was out the door and ready for battle as they say. If you know b-ball like we know b-ball you know everyone goes into battle on game night, not just the players but also the fans, everybody, this is James(even though feeling down about earlier) was Lakers jersey and big hand up, pumped, and ready to boo any opponent to reach the fabulous Lakers arena. On the way to the arena, they run into a little problem. Now it could have been a little problem, but if you know like I know, it always leads to an even bigger problem when black people are confronted and interrogated by the one and only police. James father turns to James in sort of despair and distant facial expressions for a moment and lets James know everything is under control, "Don't say a word we will get the ticket and be on our way.” Says James father nervously. Little James had other plans of what to do in this situation and it's never pretty for a son of a black man who has just been confronted by the law to speak to the law when not spoken to, not good.
I think as black people, we know free speech is never free. "I will handle this son, says James Sr., you just stay put and we won’t even miss tip off, okay." "No I won't stay put, he's going to do something to us pop I know it, because we weren't speeding or nothing, I know it pop and you know it too." "Please son just be still and let me do this, please, damn." Moments later, the officer gets out and approaches the vehicle. "Hello
officer, says James Sr., Is everything okay?" The officer comes to the car while holding his right hand on his pistol and proceeds to look into the car at James "Can I help you?" Says James, with a bit of frivolous attitude as he looks up at the officer. The officer pays the remark no mind and proceeds to ask James for his license and registration. “What is the charge sir," says James father. The officer then asks again in a more firm tone of voice as almost being agitated by the mere question that was asked in the first place. "License and registration now boy, please I don't want to have to ask you again," says the cop. "What did you call me?" Says James father in voice that only people who have heard it before would have known now is the time to get away, "What did you just call me?" Then in a subtle but angry voice little James says, "I told you pop, I told you they were going to beat us or something like that." The officer than says, "Shut your boy up sir, or I will." "You will not put your hands on my boy you hear me, I will be the only one putting hands on this child, now please, take my registration and insurance and do whatever have to so we can go. Can you give me my ticket so I can go sir, please?" "Fuck him pop, don't call him sir, he ain't no authority, just a crooked cop who picks on people like us, that's all he is." "Shut the hell up son now, I mean it. Now you have said enough, (as the police officer is writing the ticket in the car) let me get the damn ticket son so we can go okay, shut up sit there and be still, do it now!" "Look boy, whether I fight him or not, or whether I am polite or not, I will not defeat the fact this man is the law, no one will care one-way or the other, hear me, do you," says dad. "Please understand that this shit will never end. As long as you are black and a man who stands for right, it will never end boy. Now sit back and let us get to this game. You
ready! Son, listen, before we do anything else understand something okay, it did not start with us, and it definitely will not end with that cop and us. I know you feel like sometimes fighting back, but there are some battles that were won before they even started, and this is one. Stay calm here he comes." "Yes, I stopped you because you had a broken light in the back, you are free to leave. Please sir, get that light fixed," says the cop. He then leans into the car and looks toward James, "Boy, you should really learn to be more like your father here, be a little polite, or one day you might run into a little trouble you hear me boy." James father gives James a nudge and stares at him, as to tell him what to say with his eyes. "Yes sir I hear you, sorry," says James "Yeah okay, you'll run along now and consider this a warning," says the cop as he staggers off.
They finally arrive at the forum, and boy is it packed. I mean girls everywhere. High rollers in their limos as they began to make there way to the front of the forum, having probably already left a party or something, you know defining high class. They get out of the car and begin to walk to the front of the forum. They approach the usher at the door. "Tickets please," says the usher. "Oh shit, I left the tickets in the car James, Stay here and ill be right back, don't move. James Waited around mingling with some of his friends he saw walking past prior to tip-off. "Hey James, you going in or what," says his friend Joey. I just heard the tip, hurry up all right. I'll see you there; man my mom is probably getting worried anyway."
An hour went by and no dad. James is still outside, still speculating whether to be mad, scared or both all in one. It was painful hearing all the "oohs" and "ahhs" from the parking lot. The game was ending and still no sign of James dad. "What the hell, says James, I want my mommy!" The game was ending now and people were beginning to file out. James sees his friend who went in earlier coming out. "Oh man you missed the whole game out here,
what happened?" James begins to cry, "forget this man, I'm out." He walks to the corner crying, I do not think anything could have prepared a 5-year kid for this. Then he screams, "DAAAADDDDDYYYYY!"
A man walking down the street spots the fragile James sitting peacefully on the curb, not knowing he only lived 15minutes away from the forum and a simple 10 to 15min bus ride would bring him right back home. He sees James and shakes him slightly. "Hey little man, what are you doing out here, especially over here, what's up?" Says the man, with his beer at hand, facing the crowd of people walking away from the game. The man seemed to James cool, so he stood up from the curb and turned to look at him. James played it cool, "My dad left me here, sir. I'm lost." "Where do you live? I could drop you off." "Do you have any room with all those girls in your car?” Looking over the car full of girls waving and pointing at Little James to come get in. "For you, little homie, they will get their butts out and walk. Come on man let me take you home." "You won't hurt me, will you"? "If I wanted to hurt you, I would leave you out here, I don't need no murders pinned on me today you hear me, I am a hustler, not a murderer. Believe me when I tell you player. Now can we be out or what, cause my girls need to make me some cash before sun up, you dig." "Thank you sir," says James. Trusting enough I guess, little James enters the car with no ill will toward the strange man at all. Oddly enough, he takes James for burgers and fries, sits him down before he finishes asking exactly how they were going to go about getting James home. James while eating his burger begins to recognize landmarks around and tells the nice man his home seems to be just around the corner there. The man lets James finish while he speaks with his women in the car, then takes him home to his mom about 2 hours later. " You take care of yourself little man", says the man in a cool, collective voice that made even the women whom he had with him quiver at the sound, "Be cool, and stay out of trouble. Take care of your self, you hear. I have to go take care of some business, get my
money. (Mumbled as he drives off) I think one came up short last week." Little James starts to walk into the house where his mom is sitting on the couch, seemingly in tears waiting for his arrival. James could not wait to tell his mom that pops took him to the game only to leave in the wind soon after. James rushing into the house slams the door behind him, "Mom, dad left me at the forum, and this man had to bring me back home." Wanita, to James amazement seemed like she already knew the situation. She was crying before James even walked into the door, looking at the ceiling and then at the door, at the ceiling once more and back at the door with amazement, as she rocked back and forth in her chair. She turns to James and says, “You’re no good father just called, he said he was never coming back baby, he just called." "Why?" "I don't know baby, but I do know we will get through this and you will survive. I know you and your brothers will always be strong. Just keep doing your thing okay." Life just became one to remember for this family.
From that day on, I felt mom looked at life and men differently. Like the time we were in Starbucks and a man approached her, asked her if she wanted some coffee and she pretended as if he was not even there, it was somewhat funny. Then he for whatever reason asked her again hoping to get a reply or something. She turned to him as if she had seen dad in his eyes and it was as the devil entered her body or something and possessed her or something. I think the man realized my morn had problems or had a problem; he leaves with no explanation at all, just walks out of Starbucks starts his car, and drives away, just like that. Oh, like the time at the supermarket when she did not have enough money to pay for all the groceries she put in the basket, and a person offered to buy all the groceries for a lousy date. That devil in her seemed to appear again, she was silent. He paid for his things and ran out, not saying one word. No food, no date that was how it went down that night. I mean when dad was hear he was the greatest out there. He was a man who we thought had
it all figured out, hey who knows, at least for him he did have it all figured out. It seemed to me no one respected him but he was still there. He took care of us and we always knew or at least we thought he would never leave us. Mom treated him like a dog most of the time and my brother did no better. They too could have warranted a change in my fathers' thinking process, especially when talking about his family. Thankfully enough, we all loved that he paid all the bills and did all the hard work, and he hardly was around to solidify his work with making us do just as much. He was funny because no one said a thing to him when he entered the house, and said just as little when he left. Looking back on the relationship of my father and my family, I personally am mad at him for leaving me, a kid with a potential future, to pursue a future with any polite soul that would enter and say nothing, it's cruel, or is it. I hate him for the way he left me, the one person who said nothing, and tried my best to be on his side as much as possible to try and change his frame of mind when he enter the house, wondered what the hell keeps bringing him back here. I do not know why he picked me up that day just to leave or strand me in the dark parking lot. God only knows why, but I know that will be in my life forever. I thought we were closer than that. I thought that at least he would give me a reason why. Then I thought, "Maybe that's why he did it, maybe that's why he picked me." He knew anyone else would surely see it coming and turn down such an irresistible offer like that one. I think that is it. I do not know anymore. I do not even know why he stayed as long as he did in the first place. Taking in all the abuse a thousand men probably would not put up with, but he kept it together. He stuck it out as long as he could. I just hate always being the center of all the animosity that runs through my family, even now that dad is out the picture for good, it is hard not to think he will return. I'm 12 now, and I hate life, I hate everything about my life, and now I hate it even more because now I will in no time at all have to fend for myself in this world I thought was only cruel to some, not all. I guess all those times of downgrading those fatherless bullies that pranced around school really paid off big time huh. I guess now
I can be like those kids I hate some much. I guess I can take life day by day as they do when they wake up in the morning and spit on life like the ground they walk on. Maybe they know or knew something powerful all along that none of us failed to examine. That
is probably what they are saying now I bet. Like those kids that come to school and get bullied, and still get up, plan there day perfectly knowing that once they reach school grounds it is all over, everything they wanted to happen today is all over. Nothing matters anymore. I tend to think even they have a wicked plan that will change the lives of not only the people they fear and hate with a passion, but everyone else who has ever step foot in there lives and tried to peek in. To me it is funny, to others it is serious; to others they say who cares. We will see, we will certainly see. I am glad he is gone, and then again I am not because I loved him and I still love him, no one will replace my dad. Now, just because a man can satisfy sexual urges of my mom, why now does he feel its discipline time for the kids? No one can ever replace blood. This shit is painless because I am at a point in my life where I just want someone to let me go. Tell me there is something betters out there for me, and then show me where to go and get it. I guess I feel like every other kid in America. I want to know my life will be secure enough, that I can go on and pursue something.
Three years have been lost, gone forever. Not even a call from good old dad. I hope he is happy now wherever he is, because I hate this transition. High school in a way got me thinking about life. Its like, "I'm here," now what? Life meant nothing in the other eight meaningless grades I swindled through, so what will make high school that big different story. Everything I have seen when I was young, I see here. Kids who come to school now are just bigger bullies, and women have bigger breasts. My first day of school, let me tell you, I walk into class and instant recognition. I look around the room and almost instantly spot kids who will never leave this place. Kids, who will go on in life and do great things, never look back on those who failed behind them. Then, those who will make an impact on
not only there own lives but the lives of others who choose to follow in their path. I cannot wait to get out of here, find my nitch though. So far, I have experience hunger, poverty, bullied, abandonment, the workforce, and school. I wonder sometimes what life has in store for human's period. There has to be an explanation or at least an easy answer to this big ass equation on why people are the way they are. Why some get rich, and others stay poor, generation after generation. I decided yesterday, today is my day.
I started the high school basketball team but I do not have a clue as to what it actually takes to be a great ball player. I hope this actually leads to college and maybe those big magic contracts everyone feels they will soon have because they can put a ball through the hoop. Magic made the game look so fun when he played it, so why is it so hard for me to even learn it, let alone play it. I wonder sometimes why God makes it so hard for others, and easy for some. I wish somebody had the answer. Hey, it has to be done, I am willing for now to do what it takes, for now at least. Coming out of the school after practice today, wow, I am so angry, is that whom I think it is.
"Hey mom," I said as I walked in with a few groceries for myself, never really intending on sharing, I was hoping she was upstairs so I could slid right by her and up to my room to enjoy my goodies for once. "Boy you better tell me where all this damn food came from."" I saved my money from lunch and bought it for us mom.” She figured it to be a lie as soon as he reached the edge of my tongue. I don’t know if it is black mommas of the world who sense when their kids lie, or is it just black mommas have been lied to so long, they can feel a lie coming like dogs feel when the earth is going to shake around them. Like a bear sense fear, who knows, but she is good at detecting I can tell you that. "Damn boy, mom says, that money is so you can eat, not for you to save and buy food." I felt bad, but I also felt good because she did not have to buy the groceries, and now for about a
week she can go and do what she pleases without worrying that we will eat. Funny I noticed my dad today; umm I wondered if she will ever realize my dad bought these groceries after he rolled off in his new Benz, God knows where he obtains a vehicle of such importance and class. It was so ironic because all day I wondered, what would dad do in this situation to keep mom at ease and then after practice he shows up and buys goodies. Why, I do not know but he approached me and asked me how the family was doing, I being cool hoping he would come replied. "Hey dad" couldn’t really think of anything else to say until I got in my room, damn I wish I did have the courage to tell him off, I guess I still respect him as if he was still coming through these doors everyday. Hey son, how have you been"? "I've had been good pops". Why did I ever call him pops? He does not acknowledge our family but I am his son. He stills sees me as his son after all that has happened over the years. “Hey, do you guys need some money"," Nah; mom just got a new job, “I insist, lets go.” She is doing well and we now have some more money in the house, and I don't have to work anymore, she says I can stick to balling and school for now, no worries pops.” I’m lying, but its kind of fulfilling knowing he don't even now I am stealing, and mom is still struggling, I cant let him win, though its hard not to take his money, he cant win. Moms work hard, but can do better, but at least she is there. This man could not even tell me why he was leaving, or could not just leave, but left me hanging in the process. Led me on for so long, led our family on, and for what, to be with these nasty ugly broads I see him with all the time, trying to be a pimp and a hustler, but not a father. Damn looking back on that vehicle he had, hell something has to give right, just so happen it was us. I did not tell him to fuck my mother, love my mother, than hate her all in the same lifetime. He chooses her, he chooses to have me, and he chooses us as a family, so I guess he also choose to leave us." Son, are you okay." I began thinking back to all the good times and began to daydream of what could have been. Wow, offering is something this man has never done, but I told myself to accept the groceries, but I had to leave without accepting his money and walked
off, or that is what I told myself to do when he was reaching for his bankroll." I know moms is going to slap me for not taking that money, so I just won’t tell her, my little secret, she will never know I seen him." Little did I know, moms was coming out the check cashing store holding his little brother when she spotted me and pops talking, I wondered why she didn’t tell me. She was stunned, so much so she could not even move. She wanted to scream, but her voice was stolen from her mouth as well as her tongue. She could do nothing more than sit and stare. Rob little brother says," mommy that looks like daddy." Moms still was in a faint. "Mommy, are you okay, mommmmmmmmmy!'(Screaming softy) says robs little brother. Then after a few moments, mom speaks suddenly, “I can not believe his fucking ass, I can not believe he is doing this, that asshole. I hope rob does not ask him to come home, we do not need him. I hope that man doesn't hurt him." Little Rob brother says," Mom lets go say hi to daddy.” "No baby, Rob is busy, let’s leave him to his business, and let’s go home.” Simultaneously, Rob and his mom get in the door, almost at the same time they say, “where have you been!" Mom then begins to cry, “your father's ass can’t keep running in and out of our lives."" You seen mom did not you. You always see us, or at least you always know what goes on in my life when it comes to dad." "Why do you continue to let him into your life? Why cannot we be ok as a family without him? You probably talk to him more than you do me, you hate me I know it. You think I ran him off, I know it."" Rob runs over to his mom where she is at the kitchen table with her hand on her head and cup of coffee beside, sipping occasionally and looking over to Robs little brother while he is eating at his little table in the corner. " Mom, please I love you more than life itself, but my father as big of a fuckup that he is, (watch your mouth boy) cant replace what had happen. What he did I will always hate him for it, but I cannot desert him, because I feel like (as he begins to get up and walk around) he will win mom, I cannot allow him to think we cannot make it without him. We are poor and we have nothing, but he doesn't know that." Then he says what he didn't want to tell his mom because she would
probably get angry, but I guess the best time is now," that's why when he offered me money I told him we were okay, that you had a new job, and we doing great, I know you are angry now." Baby, you did what was right (as she gets up to greet him as he strolls around as if thinking or contemplating his next word of mouth) you always do what is right. Sometimes it has significant sacrifice attached, but I believe that you will do what is right in the long run and get us out of this shit whole, we need you to be here for us." Just as if I know D.D. is doing wrong, his parents need him with them. We are a family and we need to stick together on this, and survive without all that bullshit that world wants to throw at us. Play yo ball baby, and do what you have to do, make it, survive you hear me."" I hear you mom, I love you mom (as he gets ready to cry), I just cannot understand why we have to struggle, and he gets to succeed, not survive. I hate him so much mom, why did he go (crying), why do he leave us like this. Beginning to wipe his face from the drowning of tears, I will show him though mom, I am going to get us out of here and I will make you proud of me mom, no matter what, hell see."" Baby, don't do it for him, don't do it for me, do it for yourself, do it for the satisfaction that one day another man in your shoes will know that he too can go on, and succeed, not survive, think about that!" To tell my mom that big lie was not as hard as I thought. I know she will never see my pops, so my lie if I had not mentioned it would of stay deceased forever. The phone rings as rob gets ready for bed. Robs mother yells, "rob telephone, D.D." What's up man, what's cracking?" Says, Rob “What’s cracking man, hey yo moms trip about the food, and I bet she did huh!" Hey hold on cause minute." Robs mom screams," boys get off that phone and get to bed, hear me, for real boy you guys have school tomorrow, both of you." "Alright mom, I'm gone take this in the room okay, ill be off in a minute. Nah man she didn't trip, so what happened with you, and what exactly did you do today." In a funny but deep manner did. Says, "hey dog, you don't need to know just be cool with the groceries, anything else you need, let me know okay, cool." Cool men, ill see you in the morning, and hey call that girl you meet.""Oh man, she on three way right
now, holllllla!""You crazy, hey good looking, I catch you tomorrow; peace out." Peace!" says dd. I know D.D. Steals, but it is good for him that I act as if I do not know what is going down. We have been friends sense the earth was ours to see, sense birth damn. His friendship means everything cause its all I have, between him and my girl and this family, he is the only stable one in the bunch. I remember all the things he went through in his day. D.D. Did not have a mom or a pops growing up; he had no guidance other than what he picked up second hand along the way. He had jobs yes, he loss jobs yes, but being a thief was the only thing he did well, and I accept that, cause he is who he is and I love D.D. For
D.D. Not for the way he chooses to live his life. I remember when his grandma kicked him out, and he had nothing, and came through it because he did what he had to do. Shoot, I think tomorrow my girl and me probably do something. I think we will be okay for now, as long as I give to her ventures I guess. Tonight she is at a bachelorette party with her friends. It is hard to say her friend's because she could do so much better. However, I agreed to let her attend this shit because I felt that space is what she needs, we will see what happens. Sitting her in my bed I am thinking that the experience is one that is good for a women to experience. That shit, a man dancing damn near naked in room full of screaming women is something that stimulates women, maybe it will stimulate her ass, and I hope so. We will see I am tired as hell I am going to bed goddamn imp tired. "Rob get off that damn computer and go to bed, please,” says robs mom in screamed only aimed at a person whom is denying sleep to her talks." Okay damn, it’s off,” I am out you will, I will allow back into my life tomorrow, you can wait, wait you will have to wait, peace! Tomorrow is the party, what to do, oh what to do. Ill probably go with Rob, but knowing him he will probably want to go with somebody else. My cousin has been begging me to go to a party; I should call him and see what he is up to now that he is staying down at my grams. Dookie has always been a cool person, but I guess no one has told his mother that
yet, because she is yet to believe that he is a human being. Dookie has been through a lot over the years, but so has everyone else in this family. I remember those days when we would talk about his family, and he would look at me very oddly and wonder why in my world I am discussing something I am trying so hard to get away. He got his wish, he has relieved himself from the family he has hated for so long, and good for him I guess I just like kicking it with him because he knows how to have fun. I should call him tomorrow. (Tomorrow arrives). Stretching in the bed getting up, rob decides to get up and clean his nasty face. Rob always has a sense of amazement when he looks in the mirror and sees saliva all over his face. He for some reason wonders how he gets saliva on his face and all on his shirt. I cannot really understand why he wears to bed a shirt of color knowing damn well he snores and drips saliva. When I say he snores explains why his damn mouth is always open for spit to drip. Rob then gets ready to get in the shower; he is in for rude awakening. "Woo baby I'm about to go to school, and then hit this party tonight, thank the lord Jesus its Friday." “Oh yeah, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, mommmmmmmmmmmmmma! Rob's mom walks up in a frantic." Boy what the hell is wrong with you?" Momma the shower doesn’t work!" “What you mean it don't work, I see water." " Momma, come on now, feel the water!""Oh damn baby, that's cold I think the water heater is broke, you just going to have take a cold shower today baby, I will be sure to call the manager baby, get that shit fixed, good luck," as she walks back to the bed to go to sleep for another few hours before work. Rob then has an idea that could probably work, actually it was great idea, and believe me it works. “Shit it is too cold, says rob, and I have to go school, where is that damn heater at." Cool, there it is". Rob then gets his clothes, irons them, gets breakfast, and begins to head out the door. He starts down the street toward the liquor store where he meets up with his girl and her friends."Uh girl, here comes your funky boyfriend, says Angela's friend Kasey. "Yeah, yeah stop hating because yo man is in jail." He approaches,"hey baby, says rob then looks around, what's up ya’ll." um hum says Angela
friends. Angela's friends never liked rob because of his family. See rob and these girls all have a past, but not with him but its obvious they could care less about that. Rob comes from long line of nobody in his family, a whole family of excuses and wonders. He has a cousin who is a low life and feels that his world is the only world out there. I do not understand the boy cause all his life people continually try to help and comfort, but it seems the help is merely fuel for the fire. I cannot understand this boy. I mean all the time I have known he is like the filthiest person I know. Terry for some reason hates the thought of a shower or running water flowing on him. You should see him and how not taking frequent showers has damaged his body, his skin and his hygiene. Oh, my god people talk about this boy constantly and it does not affect him at all, he just keeps going like whatever, it does not matter to him at all. His skin is turning from some certain skin disorder that no one cares to mention because he fails to tell anyone. He drinks; smokes weed, cigarettes, and drink anything anyone chooses to offer him. Nevertheless, women like Angela's friends still find him attractive, like Kasey ass. She is upset at me for what she discovered, things if her ass just asked me she would have known that is her damn fault. This bitch is just straight crazy, she know that and her friends know that, I don't Angela even hangs out with this broad man, god damn I just want to kick her ass sometimes but I know moms would kick my ass for even attempting to put my hands on a female, that I know for real. Rob after looking at Kasey like a jack knife in a big ham, (thinking)"uh I wish Angela get rid of this girl, then says to Angela "hey Angela there is a party cracking tonight, what's up down with going wit me maybe. Kasey shouts out, "don't go with him, hang wit us tonight.” Rob is now on his last nerve with this girl, "will you shut the fuck up girl damn! You talk to damn much goddamn I mean that shit. Can I talk to you over there please? Rob walks over to the bench on the side of the liquor store and begins to start talking to Angela again," you need to let go of that girl damn, anyway can we go to this party together please." She says she had never been to beanie's house for a party which is hard to believe, but I believe
because she hardly spoke to that fool so I believe it." Rob, can I come over and get dressed for the party," she says. "That's cool, come over moms want to see you anyway, and don't even ask that Kasey to come, the rest can go but not her, says rob.
By now James has found a girlfriend whom he feels is the one. Still in high school and fresh into "woman-hood," as some may call it, it is hard. It has been hard to deal in a relationship. "Someone please show me I can survive not having this girl in my life, cause having a girlfriend is definitely not all it's cracked up to be. Damn I hate feeling like this; damn I want to cry so bad I can kill somebody. I hate this, I hate where my life is turning. I hate I have not mended my so-called conflicts with my so-called enemies. I hate that my girlfriend is becoming more and more distant from my life. I can believe that my goal is to want to give her everything she wants in her life and she hates me for that. All I want out of life is to do for my girl, but why does it hurt. I thought me going to college would be uplifting to everyone and give my girlfriend a sense of well-being. All it seems to have done is distant us more. Most people will see say, man there and me am more things in life that you should be worried about than what your girl feels about you. I say to them that there can be anything else on this earth more important than my girl's opinion about me. I had a friend tell me once a long time that girls come and go, they break your heart, and they can fill it with love. You live and learn over the years that you must look out for you and only, the women will never leave, never. Women are like fruits and vegetables they are different crops of them all year round. However, I do not want to pick from the litter that is in season I want my girl and her only. Why can't people see that, why can't she see that? Sometimes I sit and say, I do not want to please others anymore, I do not want to do what everyone expects I should do.
James leads his team to the championship and receives numerous letters and
scholarship offers from colleges in only his first year in high school. I think, for what it's worth, he is great in every way. Nevertheless, there is an always an issue with self-preservation, and for some reason James does not have it yet, or know it. James went from nothing to something already, complete go around. It is not over yet. He has friends, which someone will one day say has become a bad influence, and in a crowd where only one has it all and the others struggle, James like every other person feels left out, outcast. James is on his way to the American dream. Will the neighborhood allow him to succeed is the question.
One day, one of my greatest of friends in the whole world was arrested today and put in jail today. I do not know whether to blame him, or blame his parents. I know people say all the time with mixed emotions, you do the crime, and you do the time. We are no different, yet we are different in every way imaginable. My accomplishments, my goals were not his goals. My failures were not his failures. What I do has nothing to do with the fact he had no other purpose in his mind but only to make use of his surroundings and do whatever it was he had to do to survive. He made choices in his life that was in the best interest of him. Nevertheless, as everyone else who loved him, we sit here and we feel bad about it. We are sad that since elementary when he started on that path that they finally caught up to him and busted him. He did things, and we praised him because he was not caught. His mom accepted the gifts he brought to her, despite knowing where they came from. Now look at him as the cool man we all came to accept as a thief has started on his own personal journey to hell. No one knows what will come of him, but we can all wish him the best and hope he does fine wherever he ends up. Another, in my book, black young African brother who had no say on decided whether to enter the cold cruel world we live. A man forced to make all his decisions younger than he should of, turn to a life that is accepted in his and our respective neighborhoods and it is a shame. I loved that guy, damn!
He was the reason I worked so hard. He, my brothers, and my mom are the reason I want to be somebody. Now it is all slowly vanishing. A very smart and loving person who made mistakes in the past and who is now feeling how much America will kick him in the ass if caught screwing within it, hurts for the pressure of also trying to succeed in it.
I wish we as black people and Hispanics would understand the world we live in. I wish we could see how America (the big picture) has in store for us. Understand oppression is still among us all the time; it has not left in the least. I was talking one day to my grandma (big mama) about it today. I went over there to see my grandma for some sort of guidance, because my life I am seeing things around me that fill me with hatred in my own right. It funny to because everything I say in my mind is true in some sense of the word. Allow me to refer to some memories that hunt my brain constantly. Drugs! She asked me how drugs continuously seemed to flood our inner cities. All the laws and restrictions we have in place, how it seems people always get it here. Why is it that more towns are flooded with crime and drugs, some hardly having any? Let me break it down, the way it really is, believe it or not. I cannot begin to tell you how many people seem to ask that question on a daily basis, constantly continue to address the fictional facts. That question is easy because the government has set forth rules that allow for penetration. College has opened up my vision, and put life into perspective, finally. People say, "Well the government could wipe out drugs and crime for good if they wanted to." In addition, you are most certainly right, if they wanted too. The government of the USA and other countries for that matter need the drug curtails to run through their countries. Why you ask, cause there is an economy for drug trafficking. Notice I did not say market, but economy. Drugs fund countries, brings countries together. Drug money forms governments. The government could easily put a lock on the drug trade into this country and every other country for that matter, but I tell you the first president to try, dead! He will be dead before
he could even write the proposal. You never wonder why drugs and gangs are high in some places, and non-existent in others. Cause like drugs, there is also an economy for gangs. Our state government each year receives millions to crack down, or at the least keep a lid on gangs and drugs in most cities around the world. We all know he does not use the money to crack down or it would have been over by now. We could easily do this, could easily rid the streets of gang violence, and drug trafficking. But, than all that extra funding from the federal government would no longer be needed. We could easily show kids in the inner city a better way. We could take that money and open up centers that incorporate good salary paying jobs and a wealthy lifestyle of living, but something would have to give if everyone went straight. That section of the police department all across the country would no longer be needed and would ultimately be shut down which means jobs gone, money no more. Vice squads, narks, and all those informants we pay day in and day out to weed out the drugs and crime would become obsolete. Why do you think going into politics is such a hot ticket, for the work and exposure, ha-ha we have one of the highest crime rates and gang activity the world has ever seen, and it is only getting worse? Our state governors take funding every year to put more and more police on the streets to clean our streets and rid us of gang activity and drugs. Yeah right! Granted, some money does go back into the streets to try to save our streets, but the majority most definitely goes to that big beautiful home we see our politicians looking so wonderful in, and to pay off those nice cars they ride around in and the image they so desperately need to keep. We as the so-called minority need to get a grip, because this is all a game, a game meant for us to never win. This is just how it is set up. People in politics are profiting from the blood, hatred, killings, and everything else we bring on ourselves. The game will continue long after we are gone, and why, because we will as blacks and Hispanics sit here today and not see the light at the end of the tunnel. We will continue to move in our own private directions having no clue of the world around us, and filling as if everything else is too
hard to conquer so why even try. Nevertheless, remember, there is always a price to pay.
Let us look at it from a corporate point of view. I want to use a big corporation, I.B.M. We all know the C.E.O. of this company is a multi-billionaire right. Then, as far down, as the senior to the vice president are probably all multi-millionaires. Then all the employees from mailroom on up to maybe executive are probably salary and clock-ins, based on their respective positions and status in the company. Now, use this analogy in the streets. Gangs, for instance always must have a leader right, right. The C.E.O we will call him. Now, in order to be a successful leader in anything, you first need to recruit an honest, trustworthy president. This is someone who takes on all the pressures of this company, but does not actually own the respective company. Now that president then looks for assistant to bring some pressure off him somewhat, so he must once more recruit some employees and a vice president. See, the president must have the pull in his business to make others he tries to recruit believe in the message so much that they are willing to follow his orders. Now, the C.E.O. has the contacts, fills the orders, and gets the ball rolling on business. Then recruits began their process of following suit, which paves the way for more recruits in the future. Remember now, the C.E.O. In addition, presidents are never seen or heard of because of the nature of business, period. As a corporation, other situations must be taken care of in order for a business to run as smoothly as possible. Business must always be kept on a level playing field to allow for more recruits. Other businesses now know of this C.E.O, so do the cops if you look at from the streets, but all the while lets it be, because now it's not presenting a problem just yet. However, they know already that the stronger they get, the stronger police will get also. Soon the gang or business is filled with everything it needs to be established.
They have now taken over a certain neighborhood, a certain city. Kids are profiting,
others hear and follow, from all over the city. Soon cities have what most love to call, a problem. In politics, this problem, even though known about in the beginning needs a solution. State Congressmen now need to figure out a way to contain this rapidly growing business in this city. Now, something has to be done. Funny thing happens, reelection ahead. Guess who then steps in with a considerable donation to kind of take the heat off, you guessed it. See now in politics donations will never be refused, from anyone. That C.E.O. has now guaranteed his own safety; notice I say his own safety. You see, when the government begins forming squads and cracking down on these gangs, what about the recruits? Here begins the cycle. The government has a problem, which he then presents to the federal government who then sees that crime has in fact risen and grant funding to protect this from spreading seems imminent. Now comes the part that is the best for politicians running these sorts of community action programs. We all know that when a company is faltering, the C.E.O goes from the bottom up to free up budgets, correct. Same goes for the streets. The leader has secured his freedom but has to allow police to disrupt his operation, only though to an extent. See if you bring in people selling on the street comers, then the quota is made. Nevertheless, if the police are arresting three, and that leader is putting 13 back out on the street, business is not affected, and everyone is happy. Believe it, because its goes down just like that. The killing of kids in gangs and drug trafficking will never change because as I said before; the economy in this country has a need for it. Some ask, is there a solution or not? Of course, we are not willing to act on all the choices we have. Hell no, and we will never because as long as kids at the bottom are easily influenced by the kids at the top, the cycle will continue and continue to fatten the pockets of politicians and continue to raise taxes to try and defend against it. Like the wars of today our military engages in, our politicians (state politicians) can be funded year after year to maintain programs like such and it will always be a never-ending cycle in our communities. You know what, as sad it may seem, it
is what keeps this nation at the top of the game in the rest of the world. This is the life I lead, always sitting, thinking of scenarios that could explain why my life is such tosses up, why I cannot seem to get in, play the blame game I say, it is a lot safer then just saying I am no good to anyone, and drop off the earth right.
Look at oppression, nothing has really changed. Nothing has changed at all sense the M.L.K days or even farther back. Whites now has just figured out a way to contain us and rid us from there families by thinking they are giving us something by allowing some of us to make a considerable amount of money and giving us a chance to succeed cause they know the ignorance will always be there. Look at it, whites invented basketball, black people took it over. Therefore, what did whites do, they invented a system within basketball and sports period to maintain and take percentages of the money we work hard to make. Same goes for the entertainment industry. Half of our idols have little intelligence when it comes to managing money because they continuously give back most of their money, paying other individuals (mainly whites) to do the work for them. I'm talking lawyers for all the things they fill is needed in there lives, the companies that markets their product cause we all don't want hassle of doing it ourselves. Get out there and hustle for those all mighty dollars. Trust it, they gave us a chance but they never lend the string farther than they can pull it back whenever needed. It is time we stop asking people to lend us a hand. It's time we stop hoping the Jesse Jackson's and the NAACP's have an answer to all our problems, and come together as black people and Hispanic people with God and do something about the world we live in. Become as the C.E.O you dream about or want to be like. It is hard I know, but is staying in the streets that easy! Is gang banging, selling drugs, and watching your back at every other corner when you want to leave your respective neighborhoods because you think may see that person you don't like, is this life really that great that it isn't worthy of a change. I want people out there to come together as one gang,
one dealer, and do it for all those out there after you, all those grieving mommas, fathers, and communities that are thriving for a change and for a new start. Go out and get yours, but also go out and make a difference in your communities. Let your name run through the veins of all those coming behind you. Have your legacy live long after you have. The cycle will continue as long as we refuse to wake up and say that I want more and I want it now. The struggle for equality will always be a fierce road of frustration, but as long as you work hard, as hard as you worked to become a gangster, as hard as you work to keep yourself on a level playing field with others in your societies, you will succeed at whatever your dreams are. Work just as hard to shape the futures of those you know need it and push them so that one day they will not have to follow the dreams of someone else, but be able to follow there own dreams, make there own way in this world. It is what we need; it is the only way we will overcome.
I love this right now, because it is funny how situations in my life are going, for instance, planes. Planes are so fascinating to me but I hate to even think about getting on one. Being aboard one, I felt that I had no chance of attempting to defend my life. Now being that I have everything to gain by boarding a 747, I have no reason now to be afraid. I think up to a point I have done everything asked of me. This world owes me nothing as a black man or even as a people, period. I guess this is why I look at life as I do. I seen on the news today something that stunned the hell out of me, American black people of the 21st century wants everyone in white America to pay for the slave trade of the 19th century. Now, it will be okay to come to such a conclusion if black America were the only people brought to this country for the purpose of slave trade, and if we knew who should prosper, or even if it should just be us blacks. I would be all for it, but I am not. We do not need more segregation in this country. We are only one of a chosen few cultures with pressures beyond no other so we need to first as people overcome. Have you heard there is always
power in numbers? We do not have it. Hispanics have it. Jews thrive on it. Asians breath unity, it is as if it is in there blood or something. No matter what they do, these cultures have and will succeed in preserving their existence in life. This is how I feel with friends, relatives, and others also. I make friends on the basis they will soon get me out of a jam, or help me to succeed in the future. In addition, if not, I do not need them. That is just the way it goes sometimes, you know.
Do not talk about doing something, do something about it because it is how it has to be. I watch shows constantly with brothers like Jesse Jackson, Al Sharptin. These brothers always preach the well-being of schools. Always talking that the schools are failing, that the police are discriminating against us, talking about racism, what for? Yes, of course, this shit exists, but talking about it as it unfolds in everyday life will not change the ways white America runs this country. You will do nothing Jesse and Al but makes a mockery of our cultures. We never get to see the blacks all over the neighborhoods that are actually making a difference by getting in the face of the youth, not running to there aid when something goes down. The people that set up programs for kids to get into, black people who run the parks and recreation centers that keep the youth from wondering the streets at night. What about those drug dealers that keep those day-care and preschools in the hood open, we cant hate that these owners take their money, I mean where Jesse when you need him.
Richard Pryor, I wish the world were as pure as he made it. I wish I could help all those who needed me, at any time. The game has changed though since then. We live in the times of rap, self-expression, and laziness. Like my family, we analyze those doing well, while we fail. There is not one cousin or brother of mine that made it through the basic essential in life, high school. My cousin's all dropped out of high school like it is not essential to survival in this world period. I think parents of today are to blame. It is funny
to say, but all the success of our parents just made the kids of today, lazy, without a doubt. Parents do not get into there kids ass when there four or five. Moreover, like my brother you grow up to think your parents are inferior, not superior. You then talk to them as if they are crazy, hit them, raise your hand to them, and look to them for everything like nothing you do will never work.
Do something with your lives. Now there’s a statement held on by the one man who could not even stick around long enough to see a fault in his own. I do not know what to say anymore, what to do anymore. It has to happen. In addition, it needs to happen now. Wake up I say. I seen a lot in my years on this earth, been through even more. I have
failed a lot, but accomplished a lot. The one thing though I regret is not facing my fears head on. I admire that one thing about my friend. He grew up in a world, in a life where it you did not know who he was, a world that assumed the worst when it came to him. My whole interpretation of boarding school was kids with no direction, ready for destruction. Whoa, wake up call. Life does not need obstacles, only perseverance. I am sitting in a library right now and can tell exactly from the kids around me, who will make it, who will be someone in five years, and those who excuse me, will not be shit. I do not know if this has become a routine, taken from my younger age. I used to sit in the playground or at the park, or around the block from my house and stare, or even at school in the classroom and just stare all these idiot kids with a life to lead, a life to lead right in the gutter of devil’s doom. Nevertheless, not all these kids are to blame. Some kids in society now do not have the ability to push themselves to the limits because they, like me, do not have too. We grow up in a world where our parents paved this incredible path for us to walk down and nobody wants to take a shovel and paved their own. Our moms did so well in preparing themselves for the worst in life that they never stopped to prepare their kids for the worst. Work: a way to make a living in all families across the world is what makes this world go round. School:
a safe haven for our kids to learn about life, liberty, freedom, and pursuit of happiness, to gain knowledge of these facts and make decisions in life based on what the system is teaching them. So, where is the problem, we are doing what is right. The problem does not lie in the schools, or the parents who are doing the right thing; it lies in the elite. The chosen few regrettably will always have the biggest influence on our society. They will always be the go-getters, but chasing nothing. Grown individuals as well as kids have a tendency to acknowledge the bad always, and leave the good go unheard. I will tell when I was in school, it was all about who was the most popular. Who had the latest Jordan's in school, which had the freshest shirt on their backs? Whose moms bought them the most expensive jewelry, and all sorts of things? But I also saw that the kids who were smart and straight A and B students made the others aware that the fades meant nothing to them. I admired them and begin to pattern my life around them, but secretly trying to be popular on the other hand. As we do in the schoolhouse, believe adults to it in the work place. Your mom or dad will always talk to his boss’s executive, ask his boss about certain things, and in most cases pattern his life in the way his boss has his life. Backfire: to produce an unexpected result and undesired result. This is exactly what goes on. When you spoil your children in way they feel helpless to life, it will backfire. They will begin to become indolent to life and start to then depend instead of strive. This brings me back to my friend. None of these scenarios means anything to his life, because there were not any options. I had a means and my mom was always there. She never left; she always whipped my butt, covering my every move with options after options. She always gave me a chance here, another chance there. I then begin to depend, hate that know I am in college and still I depend on my mom for everything. Boy, I understand what it will take now to achieve the status I want in my life. Depend is a strong word for our communities today. It ruins us because we never will reach the full potential. Fighting is not in us anymore. Not saying give up on your kids, but just allow them to scope there own dissections of life and come
up with there own hypothesis; they need it more then ever now. Kids who not always the good ones need to begin take responsibility for there own actions. Parents should give their kids just enough so they will want even more. Parents, it is your money; spend it on yourself and your family. Not just on your family. Allow your babies to grow up. Allow the system to be exposed to them early. They need it and unbelievably, they crave it. Its simple surgery on the mind, reverse the wealth. Life is a game, you play it to win, you play it to find every flaw and have it work to your advantage, not against you. Put your kids in the game man, stop winning the wars of life on your own, then get angry when you are then tired of playing and want your kids to just jump in and take over, and be just as affective as you were when you were playing.
The roller coaster is finally at its peak and the world is finally making sense to me. God, after all these years has given me a little to go on now. He has allowed me to see view his work in sections. I understand why people are the way they are and it's freighting. It freighting because, although people know when they wake up in the morning what they will do, whether right or wrong, they still get up and go do it. Like school shooting, for example have little to do with the kids who do them. They have a lot to do with the society around. Society pressures kids, parent's pressure kids, and even though they know they do it, they still do it. Instead of incarcerating the children, examine the environment in which he inhabits and find out what made him tick. School bullying is one but not all the answers. Find it out people, it has already shaded its ugly head upon us, we (white or black, rich or poor) are not perfect human beings and need to bring back our kids.
Through it all, through the hard times, America faces with young kids and people like James, it is not unacceptable to be become an addict of something, it just depends on what you are addicted to. James feels though because he wanted to and he never gave up on his
dream, he will survive and drugs will never have to become an option. You may wonder well is it true that all people have a sense of uncontrolled urges to do things that they know are wrong just because it shadows the problems that is in there life. For someone like James to have been in the state he was in, to just go on goes to show you that people do not need drugs and alcohol, they just need to deal. Someone like James is no different from the 20 million or so who look to drugs to suppress there hurt and stress. Everyone knows life is a struggle and drugs do take a lot off, but once they ware off the problems are still there. I think James knew that, and I think his dad knew the addiction his mom had, and it this reason for his departure. I think in not for the leaving of his father, maybe James would have been into drugs and alcohol, rather than getting his life together to want something more out of life, who knows. What I do know is that he could not have done it by abusing his body with alcohol or drugs that is for sure. Throwing your life away by taking drugs will only worsen a situation, rather than you evaluating what you have to go on, and what skills you have to further your possibilities, and understand that family is good, faith is great, and friends are special, but the one who will be there for you all the time is yourself. You will, after the addiction, still have to live with yourself and your problems and your mistakes, and all your distress. Please look at the world for what it has and situations like the one we discuss and say to you, yourself, "life could be worse; I can handle this."
I can look through all shit they presented to me. I hate people who feel they are, or have more to offer this earth than someone like me has. I go through this all the time in my family. People in this family claim they are up one on the world cause they do a good deed every one and awhile. Like my grandma, she is like the most ignorant person in the world today, and when I tell my reasons, you will feel the same way. Before I began to tell this, I want to tell you a little about her. My grandma is a mother of seven, whom which all feel the same as I do, including my own mother. She married a man who went to work to come
home and without a peep goes to room to settle and never see light until the next working day. She was as everyone seen it satisfied with the cause she never complained about the daily routine of her husband, and companion. She sits faithfully on the corner of the couch with her trademark cigarette in one hand and a coke or the remote in the other. The first reason she has become a force in my mind of a person with stupidity beyond is because she has not realized how good her mother made it for the family after her for many centuries to come. When my great grandma Lucile died 6 years back, she left my grandma some apartments that she would later sell and end up inheriting a fortune of more than a million dollars or so. Now if you know the United States of America, you know we have a sudden thing that kills everyone’s whole concept of bank account and safety within, taxes. You know that if you began to but enormous amounts of money in one bank that you will eventually began paying it all to the government of the United States. This is what has happen to my grandma Andale, and it sucks that she has allowed the one we call uncle Sam to rake her of her mini fortune with no explanation at all, only that she allowed it cause she choose to allow it. I mean my aunts and mom have dip and tapped there hands in some of the fortune and they have seen great success on the sorrows of there mom, but nothing comparing to the despair of the soon to be grandkids coming up, and the family members who could be well off with the money. My mom used about ten thousand of that to buy drugs, and no one cared that she asked for that money to smoke it up cause her felt she was obligated to give her something just because when the rest asked she obliged there requests. My aunt gets her money here and there for expensive gifts and other things that are worthless to the generation ahead. The second reason I am sicken by her is that we as a family could of seen many of our kids have a future beyond high school, cause they would known that they had a backbone that offered them a chance. This shit is so funny, how someone is in a position to change society and make a difference in everyone's lives be so reckless and negligent in their choices in life. You just don't know how these few weeks
sense pops has been gone have made me constantly think of all the things that has been said and bring to light and you wonder how better life could be, even without my dad. Damn man its funny how your fears seemed to catch you and bit you when you least expect it. See know I worry about my homie and all and I think to myself he wouldn't even have to be doing this cause I would be able to help him, and would love doing it. I got my cousins who are caught up in something deeper, more than one can imagine. It is funny too, because I did wrong too at his age and told him all the things in my dark past not knowing the future ventures that will unfold but I felt it was inevitable that he should know it all. My cousin I think I have made contact, if you know what I mean. People outside of the so-called family we have will never understand why kids choose gangs as a safe haven, but if you realize the level of love in this family, you will totally understand my cousin as I do. How awful gang life is, well is it. Poor kids they, with out no notice, or even asking why. Do kids need gangs? No, they do not need them, but family provides that same safety and if there is no stable family structure, gangs will feel that void. You do not know unless you are out there and you understand, I cannot make people understand why cause someone will always have something negative to say about every opinion set in front of them, but I can say being in the streets, knowing the streets, running in these streets I understand it is all a game.
This day was a strange day, this day would be a day I would so want to forget I
hanging out, I know because me and my bro. seen him the next day with a eye as big as Alaska we knew he did something he had no business doing. He went out one night with some kids who were beefing with some other kids on the other side of the tracks as they call it. See now mike does not carry a gun when he hangs out but for some reason he wanted one today and one of his friends let him, bad mistake. Something he did not know is if something is going down, you had better have a heat of your own, or you will not
make it. Anyway, he ended up at the other side with someone else's gun and was caught in a situation with some who has seen Sam, but hated him. They got into over something a girl said, which was that mike was from a gang that was killer rivals to gang at hand right now. The man he had the confrontation with confronted him over the gang rival situation, seen he had and pulled out his gun in defense. Mike then told him he was not going to use the gun and the other person in question gave it to his to his homie. No one on this side of the tracks liked mike no way, heard his name and it was like bad air flowing overhead. This boy then somehow took the gun mike was holding and gave that too to his homie before he sucker punch mike in the eye for even being in his hood in the first place. Terrance knew nothing about gang life but he would find out it was not for his liking very quick. He was confronted by his homie for losing the gun that was his and now evens the people he knew was now turning against him. His friends were there when mike got smashed in the eye, and they did nothing, and now they are turning against mike instead of helping mike. This takes me back to my grandma and the third reason I hate her ways. All her grandkids that she could have allowed a chance to succeed had to try to make a way from little or nothing when it could have been smooth for the most part. She could of set up trusts for all her grandchildren and allowed them, gave them rather choices in life, but instead I have stories like this one to tell instead of something good to tell, something of achievement. Mike and his sister has been kicked out of school, and no one has an explanation why, just that they are either lazy or unconscious to the fact they are wrecking there future by not even having a high school education. At this point mike feels relieved as for now he is able to sleep in as long as it desires, and hanging out is no longer an option but a priority. His life now is like the people you would see in Santa Monica CA, wondering men with no cause. Now you would say to mike, what now! Then I bet he would return the statement with his favorite slogan of," I don't care anymore!" Sam is alone now, no one to look to for guidance anymore, no friends with anything to offer other than trouble, and no more
initiative from his parents, the encouragement that he needs, the respect he so richly wants to receive from his parents. A life no beginning is what mike has become, a man with unlimited past, and no future, how hard is that to live with. Think about it; people with unlimited pasts and no future is what? I would leave that up you to decide while I go back to my story.
I cannot say enough about the family I have become to hate for even bringing me on this earth to face in the first place. I have problems but it seems that everyone else's problems are much bigger than mine are, I think. Today is Tuesday and I am anxious to see what he is getting into today." I should call him, (says James as he thinks of where the hell this boy could be, and hopes not getting into trouble) where's the phone?" I looked around the house for the phone and then yelled to moms if she had seen it cause chances are she knew exactly where the phone, she always knows where everything but she hates you use her for nothing more than a last resort, so that is what we do. I began to get ready with Angela and I turned on the news, to only find out my boy was going to make this party after all. "A special report"! Jojo, aged 22 was caught today investigators say for arm robbery and breaking and entering. This Jojo police say they have trailed for a few mouths now and picked up today when evidence was sufficient enough for convection,” says the report like it was nothing; another black kid being caught up is nothing right! "News at 10, the reporter than says for his final words.”What the fuck!" Says James knowing that he at any moment was headed for a place we all only knew someday we could end up but never in a million years did we think we could actually get there, or are caught for that matter. I began to know pace, wondering how, wondering about that night, that innocent night of standing and running that could now get me a jail sentence. Now I know why the secrets were there. Now I know why Jojo never revealed to me what he was doing or why he was doing it or what exactly he was doing on those long nights when no one could find him, or
even begin to say they even had a clue where he was in the world. My head is going a mile a minute and I do not know what to do. I start to think of all those TV shows of jail and
jail can be and wonder, after all the things I see in my family and people do, and all the changes I try to make in other people’s lives. My family could go to shit for no other purpose than that I knew someone who was doing something in my presence and I did nothing. How am I going to tell a judge, oh judge you know what, yeah I was there but I did not know what exactly he was doing, and he never told me? Yes I receive gifts and things from him but no your honor he did not have a job. I would look like a total fool even though I was telling the truth. I look like an idiot and America treats idiots like straying dogs in the park, if you catch them, kill them because we do not want to worry about them anymore. So I did what any one in my place would do, I got down on my knees and asked god not to send me to jail for this, and if he granted me that, I would never be associated with people like that again. It is funny that people call on god when that distress call goes out. I know if I was god, I would have no choice but to punish me, turn the other cheek as they say, because there is a victim and a perpetrator, someone must suffer defeat. I pace and I pace once more till my girl came in the room, you ready, lets go okay. Where is Jojo, is he gong to be here any minute or what. I hated to tell her that my one and only best friend are behind bars and I could be next, how do you tell someone that. People see me as someone who withstood adversity and rose from the sheets to stardom, and now what will they see me as. I can’t tell her, I wont tell her, let her find out for herself and then I will act surprised, yeah I will do that. No Nicole, Jojo is not coming and I do not where he is, let us go please!
I do not understand the mind of people when it comes to what they want. It is crazy because they claim they will have everything they always wished for without working or fasting for it. It is okay to dream and to envy, but I say put envy in your work ethic and put
dreams in front of potential goals that will be set and conquered. Just like rob, I know I am in a position now to either hate or forgive, and I am not going to do neither. I want my people to understand why I do and say what I say. I give them what I know and they can take or throw it away. I do not know work and it hurts to see where they will be in the future only 1 year apart but their mind-set is exactly the same in terms of future. This plays into the hands of the enemy, I think. The enemy being everyone behind them and ahead of them that will not allow them to succeed because of lack of education, and more importantly common sense of the way this American world works. You cannot be blind to all, but they open to most because it will kill you when it is time to judge between the two. Just as rob has judgment with women, you cant let life & girls rattle you to the point of destruction, when you can face one obstacle at a time along your years and be ready for the more significant goals and obstacles rather than all of everything you didn't finish all at once. Do this and you won’t need to worry about the haters or the non-believers cause they like the ungrateful women will be left in the dust of your accomplishments. But as rob knew, he would have to walk a straight an arrow, battling life for what it was worth cause what he had done, or what he thought he had become scared him into doing anything unjustifiable. Rob had many things roaming his mind and it hurt to not know where fate would strike or when. However, like my cousins, procrastination will only decide one fate, failure. After rob left the building he came to the front gate where he was approached by one of his brother's boys. See, I have seen the end-results of procrastination and lack of common sense and streets had applications always available to those willing to put in a little work for a lot of easy money. My brother was one of those bate takers and believe me he was deep in the streets. The streets raised my brother because the kids out there with him wanted what he had to offer, willingness to go where ever whenever asked. Gangbanging was my brother and he had a passion for this. He knew exactly what the streets were telling
him. He studied the streets like a college student geek studies to be a doctor or a lawyer. Nevertheless, unlike my cousin he had hurt and we seen and accepted at least that part of him. My brother ran the neighborhood we lived in and people knew whom we were when we were seen and knew that we had no trouble, or there will definitely be a price to buy. No one even the law could catch up with him. No one ever stole from him, told on him, or, messed with him. "Yeah man, he upstairs, just go and knock and he should open, I'm out,” I said kind of cool like I knew him, but I didn't know him, a little frighten yet cool I guess. He says, "Thanks dog,” and begins upstairs to the floor where my home was, but kind of stutter stepping like he had something in his hands or something. I did not think nothing of it because I know who my brother is whatever I am gone. Rob then sees the bus and makes a dash for it before it left him sense MS Cousonn; this Jamaican preacher's wife always leaves me. Now I am guessing but I thought preachers wife's like preachers were supposed to be settle and nice at least to kids. “Damn, can you let me know when Gardner high comes up thank you, you so kind...tramp,” as I walked to the back. “Sure kid...little fucker!" Says Ms Cousonn. He started to the back when he notices a couple of people in the back laid with there feet everywhere.
It is crazy; I wonder why we are here. I just got through with a conversation with my so-called family, wow what a family. No matter how much these feelings nag me; no one will understand these feeling are not my fault. What is up with the fact that my grandparent is dying and no one knows why the grandkids she neglected along the way cannot feel the sorrow or the kids she too had a past with? It is funny, that I have views and they are shared but not influenced or understood. I hate that people in this family tend to want to live their lives through the lights of someone else. That is what is wrong with society today, we live to expect something, not live to enjoy, just enjoy. We have been trained from birth to believe that we have to do things because our elders tell us it is the right thing to do.
Where you are going with this, I will tell you. I wanted for so long to know my momma's mom, but she would not let me in. I realize that there are so many other people that are in my family that I don't even probably would have had a even bigger significance on my life, but I didn't know them, and this is my life. I cannot go back in time, try to gather up individuals to muster all the deceit, I must deal. I must find a way through this shit, because it is not worth my time. This shit is stupid and I will never understand why I am here tiring to make sense of a senseless situation. They are people out there who do love me, I love them. I still have a grandma that I love dearly, and she loves me the same. I still have the love of my brother that I know will never die, or even weaken no matter what comes out this mouth of mind. Everybody else I am one comment from losing and I know that already, but I can care less cause they are small in a life of giants. My goals and dreams go far and beyond the call of this family, I cannot be just like everyone else. I do not want to get up and go to something that is basic duty of a human being as everyone else sees it, fuck that. I have people in my life that care, but most are not apart of this family. I have people who know I will make it, but all are not apart of this family. Stop living for your parents I say, stop going to school cause your parents say that is what you, as a kid will do, stop having people tell you do this and do that, stop! This world as god sees it says that you will live only once on this earth. Go out into this world every single day and breathe the air, feel the sun, live your life to the fullest and be happy. People are caught up in the moment that they forget to live in the time, your time. Stop allowing people to determine how you will live your life. Rap would not be rap if a man didn't figure it would work, not only to make money but to express free speech and determine there own fates, make choices with own thought up explanations. We would not have war if people allowed free speech. America would not be so hated if this reason rained supreme, had a voice. No one even parents allow reason, this is why kids do what they do. This is why kids repeal. This is why kids join gangs, have babies, and get into trouble. Beatings wont help, beating your kids only
deny them salvation. It will only distant your kids more than usual. People blame white families for raising kids that are successful, but why. They work hard, go to school, but most important the materialistic things do not matter, equality, love, and discipline are what matters. Having white friends, I have seen that they have it no better than I do, but they do have family. They have parents who guide them all the way through, not just half way, making sure they make it all the way there. They cannot talk about girls, people, sex, gangs, politics, etc. and know that their parents will listen. They cannot get into trouble and know that their parents are going to listen, understand, and punish for wrongdoing when the evidence proves supreme. They can ask for help and have the confidence that parents will try there dam nest to have it taken care of. Black people have it, everyone has, but my family does not. We keep the negative in the streets of our family ghetto and it hurts the trust and sacred of the kids in this family, but who cares right. The parents in this family do not care until it strikes them in the ass (when there kids get 18) and then they must hurry and make a change to benefit there lives because we have survived the situation so let us move on. I keep this mind all the time, why does god keep the thoughts of the unhappy things in my mind if we can choose otherwise, its simple, he wants us to never forget the things we need to change, cause once it is fixed then it is over forever. Accomplish your goals, live the life you once woke up and told yourself you wanted to live, cause after this there may be something, but you will never get back here, and that is for damn sure.
This shit is funny, cause I am always wondering what I would have been without this in my life. Then I realize, this is my life, and it will not change, people will not go away, this is where (if I like it or not) I belong, this is my family. Sex has a lot to do with basic culture. Peoples' beliefs and respects will determine how much sex they get or do not get. Me personally, I have so much respect for women because I grew up in a home where the women I saw as the strongest. Both my grandmothers under different circumstances held
down their households very well. Raised their children and grandchildren, the men were not there, but the women were there! I grew up knowing that a woman's' place was wherever she wanted it to be. My pops taught me that women would do what they were going to do anyway, so you must learn to either cope with it or move on. Dwelling on false love will run you crazy. I have learned along the way that not all women have a sex drive that is through the roof. There are women out there who can do without sex. I thought for a long time that all Hispanics women were horny toads until I meet Angela. When I was in high school, most of the Hispanic women I knew were either pregnant or had kids. I was jumping into puberty then and wanted to be with a woman who would give me what I wanted with no questions asked. All my Hispanic person friends were getting exactly what I set out to get for myself back then, sex. That was what detoured me from dating black women because my black friends were having major problems with their girlfriends with out seeing an alternative to the bullshit. They were frustrated with the very thing Hispanic people were always getting. I just wanted the action, nothing more and nothing less. When I meet Megan, my whole perspective changed. I had to see women as individuals now. I had to understand that few do not mean all. Megan opened my eyes even more to the respect I should have vs. the respect I thought I had. She made me see it was a lot to be learned and it was not any black, Hispanic, or white thing. I waited four years; it was worth it, really. You know, I would do it all over again for the mere lessons that I learned along the way. Having my brothers' girlfriend Marie in my life showed me that all black women are not gold-diggers or hustlers, or even female shy. There are some out there who actually stand by their man's every venture and seek their journeys, whatever it has in store, together. Marie has a decor about her that just lights up a room before she even gets into it. People just want to want to be around her, want to know her because her spirit is just live, I love her for showing me that black women in my age range and be great women to their black men. Showing me they can be gracious, respectful, and loving women. Like Wendy,
my boy Jim’s wife, she just has that way about her that cannot be touched by anyone. I mean people cannot feel her bad vibes because she has that appeal about her that does not put those bad waves out there. Sex never influenced or detoured her from loving a man, nor did money, that is real. Sex cannot turn into a choir, and for some, when it gets to that point that is when it is time to move on. Sex is supposed to be fun, sensual, natural, fulfilling, unique, and loving and if you are missing even one its time to find another partner, move on. People period take love and sex for granted because it is so hard to not be caught up in the glamour of it all. Women must understand that even if they do not give men sex, if that man wants you, he will always be there regardless. Women hold the key and they have the lock on whatever it is they will ever want to do, surrounding sex that is. They are the reason the porn industry is booming, why grandpa playboy is so rich and powerful, and why icons in all industries are so respected. Men live this life for one thing, getting a woman or women to respect them and give them the love they crave. The less sex women dished out, the harder men would work to get it. A lot of people now, or should I say men have made millions even billions exploited the curiosities of women's sexually fantasies as well there wiliness in the bedroom. Sex is something meant purely for two people to share a common bond between each other and to have pleasure because they have made a decision to do so. Not because someone offered them money to be sexual, because then it is not for real. However, we have to also look at it from the porn industry point of view. I personally have learned a lot watching porn movies, as do many newcomers to the sex life. Porn represent fantasy for regular partners to use as an outlet they make there living giving people like a way of releasing tension instead of either cheating on their partners or having sex with each and every person who will allow them access. Porn has prevented many diseases from spreading, many people are still married and happy because of porn and sex, and children learn what there parents are still too scared to explain to their kids. Sex is a game, just like life it is a game, and just like a game you can cheat your way through it but
just be ready for the consequences at the end of the game when it is all over and done with. I have been made a fool of myself in this life of mine that I held so deeply to my soul. I wanted to live a life that was fulfilling for me and it has not been that way or had the outlook I wanted in no regards at all, all that was me I feel has perished into doubt for the one I had truly loved for along time. Why is it when one says that they need to experience life, it rolls around to the issue of sex. People say sex plays only a little role, but I do not know of a man and a woman who is happy without incorporating the sex element into there game of life. I had a lot riding on this issue and a lot riding on the values of life I have set for all and myself. My life is ruined now because of no more compatibility between my issue and me with sex. I had a girl who has so much confused my way of thinking that even as I look in the mirror I see nothing more than the act and stage it was played on, which was the same stage my heart ruled for such a long time. To have sex come in and totally dominate my game of life is an insult to the way I conduct myself in the light of total acridity. My soul and the word I left for God in the respects of learning to bare with myself and no one else and sharing just one act of total togetherness wit one other person was something I never ever took for granted in my life of mine. For the same reason it is hard to realize that I am the only man who stands on this stage of mine. I am the only man who is preaching this to the world and it is hard to notice if anyone is even paying attention to the words I speak. I know the one true woman I want in this life is not and refuses to see my points of view, and she has broken into the normal world of pleasure and being that now I know even she has no intention of turning to me ever and saying she too has the feelings I have. This is why I say to myself, why even bother with fate, and come to you by way of a poem, which will symbolize my journey and abrupt stop in time of loneliness and sole freedom. I have another poem I want to share, I hope you like it, I hope it is not bare, I had a dream last night about me and you, It was a dream, I didn't get to see it through, I seen enough to see that this fate is all. It was never about you, and me and that is scary too. You
left me hanging for, someone else, you left me in the rain, and you gave him the coat. Then I found you mad, unable to talk, you said a mistake was made, took it to heart. We talked, you started to fiddle, and then in an instant the dream was over, I now sit wondering, wondering and riddled. (I have another poem I want to share I hope you like it, I hope it is not bare I had a dream last night about me and you It was a dream, I didn’t get to see it through I seen enough to see that this fate is all It was never about me and you And that’s scary too You left me hanging for someone else You left me in the rain, you gave him the coat Then I found you mad, unable to talk You said a mistake was made, took it to heart We talked, you started to fiddle Then in a instant the dream was over, I now sit wondering, wondering and riddled I now see the world for what it is and not for what I can get out of it. I wanted things so badly to turn out my way, but once again sex and reality wins in the world I have chosen. The man is working out in the world today it is a wonder how I can be here today, I am a man who don't know what the world has in store for him but knows that now I have to take my own advice and courage now that I have some and move along in this world on my own two feet. I set out to hurt Nicole in the best way that I could but she is sorry and I know that, I should be forgiving and have her back from here on out for that sorrow she has displayed. I am not a perfect man, she has done what I have done upon to her, and I cannot face that
someone can be so like me in the way I will never get what I want from her at all. How can a man stand alone in his own guilty conscience about what he has done as a man and not take that woman for what she has offered him and scorned him in the world. Darren will forever be a man that I will ask God when I get to heaven if not on earth to allow me to see, allow me to talk to and know from his eyes and heart what he felt about a woman. Who picked up and left after allowing him to venture into his own soul for a happiness that he too thought was on the rise or coming. I do not think he felt that way is the reason for my own conscience being so thick in regret for staying. I think he had what he wanted and it was not as precious as I had it in my mind. I think he used and abused my girl sort of speak and tossed it away like the trash I throw out on Wednesday mornings for the man. I think he was glad to have fucked and marinated in the glory that I kept sacred to only me for so long until he was all out of lust and was ready to move on. Why would he be in love or like her to the point he was beginning to love her if his wonder of why she is so timid never played a role in the consequence he used in the bedroom. Why didn't he ever question the reason she held her breasts close to her and never allowed him to kiss her or love him the same way I now am trying to love her. Why did not he ever ask why are you holding your breasts so close to you. Why are you not allowing me to kiss you the way I want too? You are not ready let us not do this until you are. Then I know it was all a lie because of the feeling that Angela too wanted him just as bad as he wanted to give it to her. So why would she hold back. Why would she hold her breasts in disgust that someone was taking something even more precious than two buildups of fatty tissue and muscles? What made that more precious to her I wonder. Is it because I have put my mouth there and she did not want anyone else too put their mouth on them? Well I put my penis there and I put my mouth down there but it was still evident that she never cared enough to respect that life I discovered so why is it that she respect the other and not the ultimate one. Why didn't she just give me the whole story? Why does she cry knowing in her mind and soul she still holds back things unanswered in the way
she knows they must be revealed? Why does a woman say go, but no stay, knowing all there is in her is the way it has to be. Why does she walk around knowing there are questions and answers and she has both of the them along wit the solution to the whole problem and why wont she just fix it all with the single button of total truth. Why is the same reason I wont ever tell her that the way I go about life is the way it is for me and the things my life have consumed for me will never be told because like her she needs to hold that in for the future to come. I am selfish because I want it all and I want the chance to soak all I messed up and put that all in a bottle in my mind and just take it with me. She is never going to have my respect and total love ever again, but it doesn't mean I don't know she is a good person and she claims to be happy with me so I will allow her to be happy with me but I know like my dad knows with my mom that we will never love ourselves if we know that our one real something is being taking advantage of by someone else.
So ill take this as my dad took it wit my mom and live on doing my thing and keeping that one at home because I know that I will be able to raise and have kids like the one my dad has, but I know that a man above all I can say to them, I picked your mom for her qualities not because I loved her so much as to because I knew she would be something I just needed at home for me, she completes me totally. I must though continue to see her hurt for me and have her continue to refute ever wanting to go out and do this again that even though I hurt too sometime, at least I have the total power now to come full circle and know that she is always going to be happy in my life because I will give her everything but my total love. She will know that I have given her great sex, all the money in the world she needed I gave to her and all the kids I gave to her, the marriage she has had for herself. But my total love I have to continue to search for. I never until now realize or even understood why my samplings go out and do the things they do, but we all have a reason built in. I have the cheating to build on now. There will never be a woman out there I will give my love to
because now I have to just put my love in the love of god and my future ventures and know that it is just the way it will be and I have to know that I will never have it and there is no use of Trying anymore to go and continue to search for it. As much as that hurts it has to be understood in my own mind that I know what my life is now, I know who I am now, this is the life god has given me, chosen for me! Like others, I was given a chance from a stranger to really endure an opportunity like the one I need to be successful. It all makes sense to me now. God has gotten around to me and answered my prayers finally after all these years of looking up and asking him what is going to come of my life. I never just want to look at my life in front of me, but he always had it right in front of me for the eyes to see and I always turned my head and tried to look the other way and say I would never indulge in that life. I have that emptiness now and it hurts so bad to be in something so long and to be back at square one in life. I have a woman who has built up angry and disgust for me but won’t talk to me about nothing rather channel it in other ways that make me distance myself on purpose from her. I have the need to also not wont to see her being pleasured in another relationship even though, so all of it is how I must go about it and thank the lord for the opportunity to just see. God has said for a long time you do not want to see what I have in store for you trust me, not yet, not now. It is not what you think you want. I have always looked back up at him and ask him to show, he has said he wanted to spare me but I guess he just got tired of asking me to not ask, or telling me he won’t tell, that he felt he will give one the power to give me my wish. It is fate that after all my asking, all my wondering, all my begging the day would come when he would too throw his hands up and say ok Devin, ok, here it is and don't ask me after this to answer the question why. Therefore, God, I will understand I received something I have asked for and I cannot hate or even try to look up and say I hate you because there is nothing else to say on that. Where is my glory, there is no glory, for me now.
All I have in my life is my life, my success, my own feelings, and my ability to search, and the look for people to find me. My ability to not consume my life with the question why but to say it is what it is now and not wish to go back because there is no turning back, but to move forward because it is all I have. God knows that he wishes he could change my life for me but will he do me a good service, will it be beneficial to the world, having all those I want back after seeing and spending time with them to come back here and save me, when all over the world people wish and hope for things of much greater importance than the meaningless shit I am pursuing. God cannot be selfish, I can act selfish, but God cannot be selfish to all that he knows he must take care of. God has given me a life to be able to overcome with minimal abuse and live on, live on. Africans, Iraqis, those who starve, those who suffer from a God given deceases, those are the ones that need Gods undivided attention and I can't take God away from people like that. He was patient wit me and I feel now he has given me all I need and I must allow him to go back to work now for others, his job with me right now is done, I have to know now that when he comes around for me again for the evaluation he has to know he can depend on me to perform in the way he wanted me too, he has to know he doesn't have to keep a close eye on my survival, that I will survive. I have to be his servant now, I have to take the pressure off him now, I cannot take and not give, even wit him. I will face the world now, I will go about my life now with no uncertainty, and I have all my pieces to my puzzle now. Good health, a great mind for survival, and all my abilities I will use now more than ever because now I know that they mean something now, they all have a purpose and it has to be for a reason for me now. People everyday ask for signs to how the lord works, I am living proof you do exist in all mankind, animal and insect alike, I am living proof of that. My doubt has never been there and I have to say you have the power and I am blessed to have felt it. Thank you lord thank you for giving me that which is my life back, thank you for being there, just being there seeing me through the times when I thought I was alone.
I can look through all this shit they presented to me. I hate people who feel they are, or have more to offer this earth than someone like me has. I go through this all the time in my family. People in this family claim they are up one on the world cause they do a good deed every once and awhile. Like my grandma, she is like the most ignorant person in the world today, and when I tell my reasons, you will feel the same way. Before I began to tell this, I want to tell you little about her. My grandma is a mother of seven, whom which all feel the same as I do, including my own mother. She married a man who went to work to come home and without a peep goes to room to settle and never see light until the next working day. She was as everyone seen it satisfied with the cause she never complained about the daily routine of her husband, and companion. She sits faithfully on the corner of the couch with her trademark cigarette in one hand and a coke or the remote in the other. The first reason she has become a force in my mind of a person with stupidity beyond is because she has not realized how good her mother made it for the family after her for many centuries to come. When my great grandma Lucile died 6 years back, she left my grandma some apartments that she would later sell and end up inheriting a fortune of more than a million dollars or so. Now if you know the United States of America, you know we have a sudden thing that kills everyone’s whole concept of bank account and safety within, taxes. You know that if you began to but enormous amounts of money in one bank that you will eventually began paying it all to the government of the United States. This is what has happen to my grandma Andale, and it sucks that she has allowed the one we call uncle Sam to rake her of her mini fortune with no explanation at all, only that she allowed it cause she choose to allow it. I mean my aunts and mom have dip and dabbed there hands in some of the fortune and they have seen great success on the sorrows of there mom, but nothing comparing to the despair of the soon to be grandkids coming up, and the family members who could be well off with the money. My mom used about ten thousand of that to buy
drugs, and no one cared that she asked for that money to smoke it up cause her felt she was obligated to give her something just because when the rest asked she obliged there requests. My aunt gets her money here and there for expensive gifts and other things that are worthless to the generation ahead. The second reason I am sicken by her is that we as a family could of seen many of our kids have a future beyond high school, cause they would known that they had a backbone that offered them a chance. This shit is so funny, how someone is in a position to change society and make a difference in everyone's lives be so reckless and negligent in their choices in life. You just don't know how these few weeks sense pops has been gone have made me constantly think of all the things that has been said and bring to light and you wonder how better life could be, even without my dad.
Damn man its funny how your fears seemed to catch you and bit you when you least expect it. See know I worry about my homie and all and I think to myself he wouldn't even have to be doing this cause I would be able to help him, and would love doing it. I got my cousins who are caught up in something deeper, more than one can imagine. It is funny too, because I did wrong too at his age and told him all the things in my dark past not knowing the future ventures that will unfold but I felt it was inevitable that he should know it all. My cousin I think I have made contact, if you know what I mean. People outside of the so-called family we have will never understand why kids choose gangs as a safe haven, but if you realize the level of love in this family, you will totally understand my cousin as I do. How awful gang life is, well is it. Poor kids they, with out no notice, or even asking why. Do kids need gangs? No, they do not need them, but family provides that same safety and if there is no stable family structure, gangs will feel that void. You do not know unless you are out there and you understand, I cannot make people understand why cause someone will always have something negative to say about every opinion set in front of them, but I can say being in the streets, knowing the streets, running in these streets I understand it is
all a game. Love is way to strong a word Adore can be the way to describe you Feelings is all I have for you To love you would take time to do Your face is the only one I want to wake up to Your body is all I want to be next to You have everything life can offer me But your time and heart is something that have been hard to find You make it hard because you have to Let me in and I promise I wont just run right through you I promise I will cherish the moments spent I promise I will please your being I promise I will listen and be there I promise I will always have your back I promise I just want to be yours I promise what you have is nothing I can give you more, let me in and ill show you Damien went some so-called friends of his one night. Now these kids are like him, they are 15 to 17 year old kids who are two dazed and confused. When everyone else is going to school, they retreat to the park to gather, smoke weed and talk the women they never had, but badly want. Damien has had his share of run ins with the law, and he has done a lot in his young 17 years but nothing would of prepared him for that night, nothing. Mike has been out of school for a while now and it is crazy to see it, him faltering, and no body caring. This day mike was hanging out, I know because my bro. and me seen him the next day with an eye as big as Alaska we knew he did something he had no business doing. He
went out one night with some kids who were beefing with some other kids on the other side of the tracks as they call it. See now mike does not carry a gun when he hangs out but for some reason he wanted one today and one of his friends let him, bad mistake. Something he did not know is if something is going down, you had better have a heat of your own, or you will not make it. Anyway, he ended up at the other side with someone else's gun and was caught in a situation with some who has seen mike, but hated him. They got into over something a girl said, which was that mike was from a gang that was killer rivals to gang at hand right now. The man he had the confrontation with confronted him over the gang rival situation, seen he had and pulled out his gun in defense. Mike then told him he was not going to use the gun and the other person in question gave his to his homie. No one on this side of the tracks liked mike no way, heard his name and it was like bad air flowing overhead. This boy then somehow took the gun mike was holding and gave that too to his homie before he sucker punch mike in the eye for even being in his hood in the first place. Terrance knew nothing of gang life but he would find out it was not for his liking at all, real quick. He was confronted by his homie for losing the gun that was his and now even the people he knew was now turning against him. His friends were there when mike got smashed in the eye, and they did nothing, and now they are turning against mike instead of helping mike. This takes me back to my grandma and the third reason I hate her ways. All her grandkids that she could have allowed a chance to succeed had to try to make a way from little or nothing when it could have been smooth for the most part. She could of set up trusts for all her grandchildren and allowed them, gave them rather choices in life, but instead I have stories like this one to tell instead of something good to tell, something of achievement. Mike and his sister has been kicked out of school, and no one has an explanation why, just that they are either lazy or unconscious to the fact they are wrecking there future by not even having a high school education. To say this is to bring to the forefront one more saying to my cause, just because, it just is this way, the reality.
The day has come for boys to be men, for one to loose interest in what life has around him and start the search for life outside the circle. I have been shot at, beat up, and lose my girl all in the same breath, with no real benefit from all of it. The realm of lie is not that complicated I realize while sitting in this cell wondered about every day of my 4 day sentence here. I have learned viable things about reality, learned that people sometimes kill for respect or to overcome, so respect one before they snap. Learned to seize anger at the door by all means, you know. Black men rap to make money, to feed there families, to get out of a bad situation, but to turn around and work just hard enough to pay the white right back and go broke again, only to step aside and allow another black man a chance at the same revolving door. Bill Gates was a man who no more than a vision and a sense of how to control the way the world communicates as a whole, but the difference between that vision and the vision of black or Hispanic people, is a budget or more importantly a source to present such an idea that can potentially take you off into the sunset if pitched in the correct manner. Hey that's my problem as I sit here in this cell on my last day and to be released in about an hour, I wonder what is there for me out there in a community that only loved me when I did things that landed me back into a fortune of no glory. In a sense, hey, I walked around this prison and seen probably 85% of my so-called gang or hood friends walking around just like me, so maybe I have a chance huh, after all. Shit, one thing I do know is that this place, even the prisoners in here wish they were I, wish they had a second chance to get back out there and face life as a whole again. Hey, I hear the bell going off and my name being called, oh wait, not me, just a little fight it seems over there between 2 oppressed individuals. Hell I forgot my boy told me the guard comes to get you when you ready to exit this place. Shit man, just the process even before you hit this miserable confinement is enough to get man who was at the least half sane totally insane before he even gets himself behind these walls. People think its about white, black, or Hispanic in
here, but shit once you are in here, and you take a look around, and you see why these human beings isolate themselves, you tend to realize that its about security and trust. Hell, all that info my grandmother tried to implant in my mind about education as whole would have paid off if I had listened, because ignorance drives every deprived decision these people in this cell make around here. You say you not gay, or crazy, or feared, or stalked, well hell you never been in here then. I have only been in here a week, and my patience for individualism has regained all functionality, and I need it back in a hurry or my life is over, as we know it. You tend to realize, no girl, no family, no crime, no school, no knowledge, no money, no God will ever be able to allow you to maintain function after they put you behind the wall of hell, and you are in Satan domain to either maintain or try to control. Wait....I Heard my name, the guard is standing right in front of me, let me say goodbye to my boy in here, in this cell, and let me make sure to reconstruct my mine before I leave this place, because if I take what I have learned in here and apply it out there, I will definitely become one of the few menace to society and end up on the front of today's newspaper obituary section, with the title reading, young boy died before his time. How they know, that I dead before my time, but anyway, enough of that, they are cuffing me now, reckon I'm gone go down to the first window on the left, get back my dirty ass clothes I was chased in, give them back there nice clean jumpsuit, and sign my name out the door I go. Hmm I have a few things I am thinking of right now about life on the outside, stay tuned yall, see ya when I get off that bus. Peace, now it seems that all is about to go down hill in my life right now, too bad, I should stay on the bus. Spanish is a cold language to interpret, but you finally figure it out, you tend to understand as a black man that Spanish is the language of aggression to all that is not Hispanic and or know the language fluently I guess. Who said life was going to be easy, but damn it does not have to be this hard. Getting off the bus to my girlfriends house was a mistake to match all mistakes. I cannot believe after ten years her family has become the center of anger in my life, and I do not even know how
it got to that point. Oh, I know, she so damn dependent, and I have been on my own since the ripe old age of 14 that is how. It is uplifting in itself to know that life has a reality for me, but never will it have one for her, at all. Spanish is good in that since, seems that all the people who speak, also stick to it. I wonder what would happen if they were like black people, and did the whole im on my own thing, and someone other than the man of the house had a reasonable paying job to go to. I wonder what it would be like to be a culture where you set forth goals to accomplish, and was so afraid of failure that the source in which defeat lies never existed, never. I guess they will never know that side of the game most humans play. Going into the home is very overwhelming, the love in that home is so isolated into this concentration bowl that only those who bare the true blood of this particular family can ever eat from. Do not get me wrong now, some can nipple in the surrounding plates, but none other than will ever be able to eat from the bowl, the big bowl the call it! So why do you still love this women they say? Hmm, good question. Can it be sex? No! Can it be the lack of? No! Can it just be your inability to want better or even attempt to not be the ones you write ad criticized about? That is it, damn; do not slap myself in the face for me being I. I mean it has been a great experience to have someone like her in my life, but yes better lurks around me everyday, but do I chase better, never, and that is the problem as I sit here on this couch after a long smelly bus ride and stinky filthy seat coverings. as I sit here and listen to the Spanish language being used at there discretion, switching the language from English to Spanish, and back again, kind of like throwing it into my face that they can do so, I sit and wonder what the hell is going on here. I have been lost, left, beaten, robbed, and jumped, and fired, but nothing for as far as I can see measures up to the disgust I am getting now from this moment right here, why? 27 is the age of mid life for us black men in the United States society, if anyone failed to open there eyes (after seeking this culture so fruitfully) and see that for what it is. We must be aware of ourselves by this time or its downhill for all we do from this point on. If we sold
drugs, we are looking for bigger and better by now. If we rap over beats, we are looking for more profitable producers and managers to get ahead with. If we are not married, we seek the right woman to walk the isle with. If we are not in jail, most of us have the knowledge we need to survive there, and the fear is lifted. If we are in the business world, we stepping over the competition. 27 is the state of emergency for us black men, all of us. Therefore, as I sit here waiting to be driven to the date we have discussed and pursued for quit so time, I think about the last one, and know I will never seek that type of relationship again. Let us go baby, you ready, says I as I turn and get up and admire as she approaches me and reaches for m hand. My words are meaningless right about now, so it is best I stay quiet and just follow her out. Man this girl looks like the one for me, at least the one I want in bed next to me tomorrow morning as I get up with a hard growing, and appetite for eggs scrambled and some bacon. Have to play my cool on this date, as we set out for this 2-day trip, because it will be determined by my actions how far I go with this girl, this time. Vacations are great for us all, and I am glad I am in the position to not worry about work right, nor am I worrying about the other thing also, because vacations and business trips are the best kept secret to my success right now with this girl. I love how the timing because such sweet sorrow success, haaa, im so worthy of this day right now. I feel so relieved every single time I see this girl. She is such a stress reliever boy I tell you. She makes the frequent trips away from pain so worth the wait and anticipation. Let me be cool right today, cannot let my mind run away from me and have me do something life is going slap me in the face for later. Im thinking, im thinking, can you wait. God, my mind, I hate hen my mind does this. I know she is fine brain, Jesus, can I be civil with this one, I do not want to mess this one up ok! As I turn to her, where are we going? She says, with that sweet tone combined with those nice, sweet, juicy double d breasts that once you hold you realize a baby could not even feel this good. Our boat is leaving, I say, as I am driving in to the parking lot of the station and loving what will happen at the end of this beautiful god
given opportunity. Are we getting on a boat, she says. Yes, you do not like boats, I ask. Yeah just did not know we were getting on one today, but hey im game, she smiled back. Hey, we off then, I say. this is going to be a night I cant let slip, I wont let slip away, I dare not allow myself to live if I let it slip away, this girl way too beautiful, way too gorgeous and simple for me to not let her know feel how much I need her seed planted in my life forever. Its a fine line between love, lust, commitment vs. Friendship, cheating vs. Hanging, and I’m willing to cross every boundary if I have to, it doesn’t matter to me what happens after this day because it turning into the best day I have had in all my years surviving Gods rain and deceit. Life moves fast they say, without any attempt to recognize one cannot catch up. I’m closing this chapter of my life, only to open another soon, only to replace my anger with excitement of filling the next blank pages with words of disarray and mayhem, because it begins there every time for me. As I closed this piece anger in my mind, I begin to think, it will be so great to have a distinct memory, you know why, because I know once I fill in the second chapter of my miserable life, that it will begin to get easier to bear, and move forward into happiness and greatness for me, wouldn’t that be like heaven on earth, huh! Having life go, and just go and go with no real end in sight, or, should I say happiness in sight, has its moments. I fought with my brother today. What an experience that was! To be 30 years old, to see my brother just smoke and drink his life away in my mother’s guest bedroom, seems unthinkable if you know him. He was once a man who had a job, making great money. He was once a man who knew what he wanted out of life. He once was a man who loved his girlfriend, whom he now has made his wife. He once was a man confident, sure that his kids would have a great life, with him holding the keys to their future. Now, it seems he has given up on that dream, those dreams. Now, he is a man of many excuses, because laziness and bitterness has deceased his body, & reached his mind. Would I say we fought nah! I say we scuffled. I say I proved my frustration for a brother I love so deeply it
hurts sometimes, and to see him in self-mutilating struggles, when life could be so much better for him, it hurts. Look, our father gave up on us long time ago. Ok, with that being said, it is evident he is not coming back. My brother wears that on his shoulders like a backpack filled with rocks, ok, I get that also. Nevertheless, my father has a plan, he knows how he wants to leave this earth, and he is bracing for that day, along with securing his happiness as he grows on this earth. Does it involve his babies, no! Does he even care? Hell no, because as youth, we hated him so much, we repelled against everything he thought was right, because we felt it would hurt us in the end. We ditched school. We took on the bad grade inner city kid theme. We embraced the gang-life, stand out on the corner, hang out on Crenshaw, holla at the women, and steal clothes and shoes from the mall life. We knew of one thing, life at home was never cool, with the arguments, the fighting, but life on the streets, with our friends, was something my brother and I had that put us on top for once. People respected us, love and wanted to be around us. Hindsight brings pain in the end, but hey, we must suffer that now, right. Pops stop caring about us a long time ago, I get it. I guess it is now time to move on. I am not going to spell out all the details of life to you. You understand the basics man; you can see that this life moves with commerce. You understand only the strong survive, even in human beings. You can understand that if you have no guidance, there comes a point in life where you then begin to guide yourself. You know there really is no right and wrong, only what they want or do not want. There is no legal or illegal, or what is permitted by those, and what is not permitted by those. Ignorance will run like a cancer threw your veins if you continue to look around and never notice life. Run, run thru the obstacles, through the torture, through all the pain, and never stop until God calls you home, Peace.
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