EPISODE #302 “He Ain't a Hottie, He's My Brother” Written By Steven James Meyer Directed By Rich Correll

Hannah Montana Tribune Studios 5800 W. Sunset Blvd. Building 11-Ste 201 Hollywood, CA 90028


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Miley is fast asleep in her bed, dreaming of Lily and a cute boy sitting hand in hand on a moonlit night on the beach as waves crash in on the shore. LILY I‟ve never been so happy! A brief cut back to Miley smiling in her bed. Back to the dream, and the boy turns around to be Jackson! JACKSON Well prepare to be ecstatic! LILY Eeep! Jackson and Lily slowly but surely share a passionate kiss. Miley wakes up in her bed screaming, shaking her head. MILEY Aarrrgh! Miley looks around on her bed to find an empty packet of pork chips. MILEY I have got to stop sneaking daddy‟s pork chips before bed. She throws them dismissively on her bed and falls back to sleep. *** The next morning, she is fast asleep under her bedclothes as Lily walks in holding various pieces of clothing on coat hangers. Lily smiles as she sees Miley sleeping. LILY Oh!

I can‟t wait to wear these tomorrow on the Mack and Mickey in the Morning show! This is going to be so awesome! Hannah Montana and her peeps to keep her grounded! Eeep! I‟m a peep! MILEY Did you put extra sugar on your Sugar Crunchies again? LILY Just a little bit! I‟m so excited. Miley wakes up in shock. and yells in her ear. LILY Oh great. holding her clothes still. MILEY Aarrgh! She falls off her bed and Lily jumps off. MILEY If you didn‟t have the whole Miley/Hannah thing over me. I can‟t even say it. You were about to kiss … oh. I had a dream that you would not believe. MILEY . I‟m shaking in my boots! Speaking of which.Lily climbs up quietly on Miley‟s bed. you‟re up! Miley gets herself up from the floor as Lily walks to her side. LILY Who was I about to kiss? Miley gestures vomiting. presenting her clothes to Miley. yeah. MILEY That makes two of us. clutching her hands tightly over her neck. gone! LILY (Speaks in sarcasm) Yeah. LILY Miley! Alarmed.(gestures with hand a punch) bang. I barely slept last night.

Pick one. MILEY Jackson loving teenager say what? *** OPENING CREDITS *** Back in Miley‟s room.Jackson! Blaaaa! (Turns to see Lily is not as grossed out as she is) Why aren‟t you “blaaing” with me? LILY Well … MILEY “Well” is not an option. you want to hear my inner thoughts? Lily … (gestures „crazy‟ with her fingers) Boing! Why didn‟t you tell me? LILY I didn‟t tell you because I knew I‟d get a (repeats Miley‟s gestures) Boing! Lily turns away MILEY . Lily is pleading her case. LILY Well. LILY But … I kinda‟ like him. MILEY Hey.(Miley rubs Lily‟s temples) LILY (Alarmed. backs away) I was only doing that because of you! Inside I was always thinking something else. It‟s either „blaa‟ or „errr‟. MILEY Lily! This is crazy! You always found him completely repulsive! That‟s one of things I loved most about you. Jackson is kinda cute.

she‟s in town visiting. He leans back on his seat. Jackson is wiping a tray.Don‟t you (repeats gestures) boing! And walk away from me! Get back here! Lily exits Miley‟s room and walks onto the space upstairs between Miley and Jackson‟s room. he says: OLIVER . JACKSON Wow! You do not want to go in there! Lily stares at him dreamily as he walks off. Storm and Erica just came out of their coma and I had to find out if they remember their passion for each other. um …(begins to speak rapidly and defensively) OK. but then sits up again and grabs Miley‟s shoulder. LILY Ow! (She rubs her shoulder softly) MILEY (To Oliver) Oliver. come on! *** At Rico‟s. can you tell the sun not to rise in the morning? I mean. Miley slaps Lily‟s shoulder to get her attention. Miley. Miley stares in disgust and Lily continually stares dreamily at Jackson. speaking in a childish. She. Jackson walks out of his room coughing. Lily turns back. OLIVER Miley. MILEY Stop that! Alarmed. joyful and tickled voice. Lily and Oliver sitting on a table outside the bench. can you tell a wave not to crash on the shore? MILEY You been watching soap opera‟s again? OLIVER No! No! It‟s … my grandma. tell her how ridiculous this is. MILEY Oh.

Cuts to Jackson – who is now standing outside the shack reaching down to a little puppy. Jackson and Lily are sitting at. You‟re the one who had that stupid dream. JACKSON Let‟s go find your mummy. MILEY (Sarcastically) Yay! Hey. JACKSON Oh. JACKSON Hey everybody! LILY (Waves) Hi! (Jackson walks off) Oh … MILEY Lily! Please! Lord Voldermort would look cute with the puppy. He walks past the table that Miley. Oliver. what are you doing tomorrow OLIVER Are you kidding? I‟m one of your peeps on the Mack and Mickey in the morning show tomorrow! MILEY (Looks away) Dang it.And they did! Miley puts on a fake grin. are you lost little guy? Huh? He picks up the puppy and Lily watches with delight. I did invite you. yes we will. this is all your fault anyway. waving the dogs paws at them. Snap out of it! LILY You know. um. I was perfectly happing crushing in silence and stealing hair off the brush when no one was looking. .

you didn‟t get rejected by the entiresoftball team.MILEY (Disgusted) What? (Lily looks guilty) And by „what‟. no. She attempts to walk off. what I think Miley is trying to say is that … you know everybody crushes on someone who doesn‟t like them back. but getting rejected by the entire girl softball team. LILY What! No. look Lily. they hired a (…. we don‟t know that Jackson doesn‟t like me back. could you move on to someone. I don‟t know. Lily and Miley stare at him blank of expression. let‟s go talk to him. . he didn‟t like you back. MILEY (Grabs up her bag) Alright. MILEY Lily. no. human? LILY Well I guess I‟d have to. (Pause) You just got to suck it up … (expression dawns on his face) and you gotta move on. but Lily jumps in front of her. OLIVER (Defensively) Look. no! That‟s a terrible idea! You know there are certain things in life a girl just has to do alone.) OLIVER Oh! LILY Well. uh. „ew‟! OLIVER OK. You go talk to him and tell me what he says. Pause. it stings a little bit! LILY Come on Oliver. I mean. MILEY And … if you did know. no. I‟m sorry. oh.

ROBBY Hey Mile. *** In the Stewart household. Limo‟s picking you up by seven. humming a tune. Robby takes the parcel off the Delivery Man and he shoots out the door. depth. tell me what you think of this. ROBBY The gardener loved it! As he retreats back to the living room. Robby yells out after him. and intelligence. We‟re talking about a guy who once ate the Farmer‟s Jam jar. he begins playing a tune on the guitar)First.MILEY OK fine. I got your information for the Mack and Mickey show tomorrow. but don‟t get your hopes up. MILEY (Distressed) . Guitar in hand. Miley comes racing in from the other door. he goes to answer it. when the doorbell rings. For him to like you back he would have to have taste. super girl What do you think? DELIVERY MAN I think you‟re super super weird. I‟m Super Cute Super Hot I‟m the girl you like a lot I‟m super girl I‟m super. Robby is playing the guitar on the couch. DELIVERY MAN Robby Stewart? ROBBY That would be me. (As the Delivery Man is about to hand Robby the parcel.

isn‟t it! MILEY Hey Jackson … JACKSON Hold on. with my as an example. what‟s so weird about Lily liking your brother? Jackson comes walking in from the back door. and answered.Have you seen Jackson? I need to find him and tell him that Lily‟s crushing on him. just a sec. I swear. I just don‟t know how he turned out so „odd‟. JACKSON . JACKSON Does puppy pee stain? ROBBY Asked. (He walks away singing) I‟m super cute Super Hot I‟m the girl you like a lot I‟m super super girl. ROBBY She is? Well I just think that‟s adorable! MILEY Am I the only one that remembers the jam jar? ROBBY Oh come on Mile. I‟m super super girl Yeah! It‟s catchy. but Robby stops her. He is wrestling to get his shirt off. She turns to go upstairs.

and it‟s not what we‟re talking about here. he hauls it off. MILEY It‟s peach fuzz. sort of like you.Dang flab it! (His shirt is now stuck against his forehead)This is why I don‟t change my shirt everyday! Finally. it‟s cute. but as Jackson mutters. so … can you just tell me that you don‟t think about her that way. Miley covers the skin between her top lip and her nose in shock. she hesitates back. it‟s been a while. MILEY Great! I‟ll go tell her. JACKSON Lily? MILEY I know! I don‟t get it either! JACKSON But she‟s like … a sister. MILEY What does that girl see in you? JACKSON What girl? There‟s a girl? Is she cute? Average. (She takes her hand down) OK. and you can go back to doing what you do best. below average? I‟m not desperate. She heads for the door. Y‟know. I don‟t think about Lily that way. except without the enormous ego and no hint of a girl stach. MILEY (Laughs) It‟s … (Laughs again) You‟re not going to believe this … it‟s Lily! (Laughs) She‟s crushing on you. JACKSON Huh? . it‟s just … you know. and Lily and I can go back to being normal. Being a disgrace to the Stewart family name. JACKSON Fine.

I gotta‟ groom for my new lady. Jackson likey. whatever happens if for the best. wow. She‟s cute. JACKSON Now if you‟ll excuse me. Omm. go back – (she begins to push him back. MILEY Aargh! She gets it off her head and examines it. beep. literally) Beep. beep! JACKSON (As Miley releases) Wow. she‟s smart … she‟s not a kid anymore. Miley creeps up behind her.MILEY „Huh‟ what? JACKSON I‟m starting to think about Lily that way. wow. As he heads up the stairs. eyes shut. Lily is meditating. Omm. I could always get a cat. no. MILEY No! No. MILEY Lily? . it doesn‟t matter if he likes me. LILY Omm. he throws his t shirt behind him and it lands on Miley. no! Wrong way. MILEY Who gave that dog asparagus? *** Outside Rico‟s shack. MILEY And Miley pukey. Omm.

Lily springs off her towel and rolls down the hill of sand. MILEY OK. just skip to the end! MILEY Will you make up your mind? . he – LILY (Interrupts) No. LILY Aargh! As she picks herself up. cute little kitty from the pound. Miley comes down after her. he – LILY (Interrupts) No. MILEY (Harmonic voice) Omm. LILY (Ecstatic) What did he say? Tell me everything! MILEY Ok. just tell me if he likes me.LILY Omm. start at the beginning … MILEY (Begins to loose patience) OK. forget that. MILEY Lily! Shocked. he – LILY (Interrupts) No. now we‟re even for the bed thing. Miley begins to yell in her ear.

Miley follows)This is going to change everything! Can‟t you just see it?(Lily points up in the sky) MILEY No! LILY It‟s right up there. JACKSON This is so good! LILY SO good! JACKSON You are so cute! LILY You are so cute! The two of them reach down to the table in front of the couch and handle an oversized cup of soft drink. with two straws on each side. LILY . he um … LILY Oh my gosh. They begin to sip at it. he does like me! (Turns away.LILY I can‟t. see? (Lily spins Miley‟s head around) *** Jackson and Lily are sitting on the couch in the Stewart living room. LILY / JACKSON I … LOVE … YOU! Jackson rubs some food off Lily‟s cheek. you pick. eating burgers. MILEY OK … I can‟t believe I‟m actually going to say this … but. They put it back on the table. looking at each other dreamily and romantically.

LILY It‟s OK. LILY (Turns to Miley) What‟d he say? I want his exact words so I can put them in my diary. Oliver and (walks off weeping) and Jackson! MILEY OK. me. MILEY OK.Oh. hugs Miley. You. I know it hurts now. OLIVER Hey Lily. but it really is for the best! As Lily walks off. Listen. you‟re right. Lily attacks him and walks off. LILY (Let down) Really? MILEY I‟m sorry Lily. while Miley is staring in disgrace. who is weeping. he‟s exact words were … (pause) never gonna‟ happen. Lily is glaring into thin air dreamily with her hand over her heart. (Starts to weep. *** Back to the present. we don‟t need guys to have fun. Oliver walks by. Miley is still cradling Lily. right? LILY (Calms down) Yeah. We are going to have fun. MILEY Lily – (she pulls Lily out from her shoulder) Listen. . We‟re gonna‟ have fun on the Mack and Mickey show. who looks guilty) It‟s not your fault! *** At the beach outside Rico‟s. Oliver walks over to Miley. thank-you.

um … Jackson doesn‟t like her back. (Gleefully) But I knew! Jackson comes racing over. JACKSON She doesn‟t? OLIVER You just told her that … Miley repeats her previous actions on Oliver. you see? (Turns back to her brother) It turns out that when she said she likes Jackson. (Turns to Jackson) Turns out I was wrong. OLIVER Ow! Argh! MILEY Split end. she meant she likes President Andrew Jackson. OLIVER What? But you just said that … Miley nudges him at the neck. (Pause) You know Erica had the same reaction when Storm left her for evil twin cousin. she doesn‟t like you. who doesn‟t? . that‟s rough. OLIVER Ow! Why do you keep doing that? MILEY Other split end! „Cause it was split. where‟s Lily? The lucky winner of the Jackson love lotto. OLIVER Oh man.OLIVER What is up with her? MILEY I had to tell her. girls hate that. And I mean come on. Grandma never saw it coming. JACKSON Hey Miles. that.

but less. Robby is holding a box of pizza. Miley trying to comfort. MILEY Not really a laugh. JACKSON (To self) You deserve love. It‟s gonna take a lot more than a rejection from a soft girl to get this guy down. like „he he he‟. JACKSON (Half-smiling) I get it. I didn‟t. you‟re an awesome dude. she laughed so hard … JACKSON (Upset) She laughed? He turns away. crossing paths with Jackson. „cause … „cause that‟s totally the kinda guy I am. it was more like a little giggle. (Weeping) You … deserve … love! OLIVER (Darkly) What did you do? Miley just stares back stubbornly. it‟s not like you cared anywayz. He turns away again.JACKSON So she doesn‟t like me? MILEY No. *** Robby walks in through the front door of the Stewart household. JACKSON You‟re right. MILEY Come on Jackson. ROBBY Hey Jackson! JACKSON (Shouts) . When she heard that I thought she meant you. I was just trying to be nice. I mean. little titter.

He picks up a piece of pizza and bites into it. hot. ROBBY Robby Stewart – smart daddy. Robby opens the pizza box on the bench and commends himself. MICKEY Wow! Isn‟t she wonderful! MACK Give it up for Hannah Savanna! Are you from Savanna. But a smart daddy would give them a chance to work it out themselves while he ate a piece of pizza. Hannah is singing Let‟s Get Crazy! *** Following the song. OK! She storms off upstairs. suddenly dropping it.I deserve love. I am an awesome dude! He storms off upstairs. ROBBY Now a good daddy would go up their and try and figure out what‟s going on. hot! *** In the Mack and Mickey in the Morning studio. Miley walks in. ROBBY Okey dokey … As he heads into the kitchen. ROBBY Hey Mile! MILEY (Shouts) I did the right thing. she takes a seat with Mack and Mickey. ROBBY Hot. is that how you got the name? .

MACK I use to have good friends. G. We‟ve heard so many things about pop stars that have lost their ways. don‟t be silly. like a wife.MICKEY Oh. But I was just to good looking.P. HANNAH It‟s really sad. Mack. but I‟ve been fortunate to … MACK (Interrupts) You know who else lost their way – our producer Richie driving in this morning! MICKEY He did! MACK Hey Richie. Don‟t hate me because I‟m beautiful! MICKEY . but at least you can unplug it! HANNAH And uh. it‟s Montana! HANNAH Yeah.! They talk to you now.S. and I‟m from Tennessee. I was never good at geometry anyway. MACK Sorry. two words for you. you can‟t unplug a wife! MACK You can‟t unplug a wife! She said you can‟t unplug a wife! MICKEY So I think what Hannah was trying to say is that she surrounds herself with good friends who help keep her grounded. That‟s a good thing I‟m easy on the eyes! MICKEY So Hannah.

Lola and Jackson come from backstage. Come on out. directed at Hannah. taking a seat. MIKE That‟s right. . HANNAH It‟s actually to your mother. MACK Oh. Mike. but Mack takes it) MACK Oh. I sense a little bit of tension in the pop star‟s posse. from your mother. MICKEY Oh. Lola and Jackson „tutt‟ at each other. Hey Lola (tutts). (Gestures fist out in handshake. (To Hannah) Yow itchdog!(tutts) HANNAH Thank-you Mike. No. why don‟t we bring out some of these wonderful friends of yours? HANNAH I think you‟re gonna‟ love them just as much as I do. and Jackson Stewart. Lola Lovelagle. Hey Jackson (tutts). HANNAH Thank-you! Mike Stanley. HANNAH Tension? What tension? There‟s no tension. MIKE Word. That‟s how we roll. that‟s just a little thing we do. guys! MICKEY Bring em‟ out! MACK Oh yes! Waving.So Hannah. Thank-you for the help.

tell me. There‟s nothing about them that‟s laughable. how do these wonderful friends of yours help keep you grounded? HANNAH Well I think the secret is that we all liked each other before I was famous and all like each other now. Mike and Hannah are great. and I like Mike to.MACK To your mother? MICKEY It‟s to your mother MACK It is? MICKEY It is. and then whispers to him) LOLA (Whispers to Jackson) We? Laughable? What are you talking about? JACKSON . LOLA Yeah well. (Turns and stairs at Jackson) JACKSON Yeah. we all like Hannah. MICKEY So Hannah. (Tutts in Lola‟s face. MACK I never know. she tutts back. MACK / MICKEY Ah. HANNAH Never know.

HANNAH Could you guys please not embarrass me in front of millions of people. MICKEY What? OK … Hannah. He gets off his seat and races backstage. focus on Hannah and her friends. . If you ever call commercial again. I know this is none of your fault. I‟ll cut your throat. HANNAH We‟ll be right back. LOLA / JACKSON But he/she started it! HANNAH Shush! Now please. and Hannah turns hesitantly to the camera. JACKSON OK. LOLA Sorry. and how much we all love each other. I‟m just going to ignore that. Audience applause. because I love you. Hannah goes and puts her hands around Mike and Lola‟s shoulders. You‟re doing great! My kids love you. MACK Oh. OK? Mickey follows on after Mack. STAGE MANAGER I guess we‟re out. Lola turns to Jackson and Jackson turns to Lola. not him. let‟s just for the next fifteen minutes. because none of this is her fault. What you said. sticky buns time.You know exactly what I‟m talking about. They begin arguing with each other. Pardon me. so I‟ll try to be nice. for my sister.

if you could count on me. Mickey places a hand across her heart. what is that you love about Hannah the most? JACKSON Well. you know. it sounds like you‟ve all known Hannah for a really long time. But when it comes down to it. LOLA . MICKEY Just remember Hannah. and um. guilty. HANNAH Yeah. always there for me. „most of the time‟.HANNAH Right … As Hannah sits back on her seat. Mack and Mickey come racing back into their positions. Hannah and I have definitely had our fights. such a big word. you could live with that. STAGE MANAGER And we‟re back in 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … He exits as Mickey chucks the napkin off Mack‟s suit and the audience gives a round of applause. HANNAH Always … is such. JACKSON Because she‟s always. MACK It is a big word. Al-ways. (gestures a throat cut) boop! Mickey takes a seat as the Stage Manager goes in front of the camera. like all friends. Jackson. I know I can always count on her. MICKEY So. Hannah looks down upon herself. ar. tell me.

at Hannah) What?! (They then turn to each other. truth … Long pause. HANNAH Stop it! (Whispers to Lola) Really. JACKSON Yeah. looking into each other eyes. and Mickey raises her hand. (Whispers to Mack) Big word. because that‟s just the kind of person she is. honesty. and sometimes. stop it.Oh but we don‟t have to live with it because she never lets us down. HANNAH (Admitting) OK fine. to me to. And you know what word I like better? Is occasionally. Audience applause. I lied! (She turns to Lola and Jackson) The truth is … you guys both really like each other. MICKEY I do! . LOLA Yeah. LOLA Oh but there is no sometimes with you because you always tell the truth. Never. Never. HANNAH Well. Never. see. Even if it‟s painful. LOLA / JACKSON (Outraged. outraged again) What? Hannah grins nervously. never is like always. MIKE You see. that‟s the secret of real friendship. they speak softy) What? (They then turn back to Hannah. HANNAH Who wants to hear another song? Mack claps. (Faces Hannah) Integrity.

ROBBY Sweet niblets. hey Dad? ROBBY Maice couldn‟t fit me in this week! Hair like this doesn‟t just happen.MACK Me to! She switches on her microphone. but Jackson and Lola come and drag her on her stool backstage. and begins to sing “True Friend”. Lola walks into the kitchen. you know. HANNAH Guys. how many times do I have to apologize? JACKSON OK. Robby comes walking down the stairs with foils in his hairs. He is shocked when he sees them standing in the living room. HANNAH Come on Lily. I‟m gonna‟ go upstairs and watch some football. singing “We Got the Party”. Hannah following. and Jackson. you cold heartered killer of love. HANNAH Help me! *** Hannah. what are you guys doing home? JACKSON New look. man things! He walks upstairs. it‟s to late for apologies. come on! How many times do I have to say that I‟m sorry? LOLA I just still can‟t believe you‟d lie to me like that. Lola and Jackson walk into the Stewart household. son. Now. if you‟ll excuse me. LOLA . monster trucks.

LOLA You‟re so cute! HANNAH Do you hear yourself? This is why I did what I did. JACKSON I‟ll pick it when you‟re not looking. you like that. you‟re such a gentlemen. do you? (He does so. He‟ll ruin you. I couldn‟t let that happen.Yeah. sure. LOLA Oh. and you‟re really my friend. then you‟re just gonna‟ have to deal with it. (Walks to Jackson‟s side) And you‟re so cute when you show your nostrils! JACKSON Oh. and maybe a little stinky … JACKSON You so get me! LOLA But who I date is my choice. LOLA You couldn‟t let that happen? This isn‟t about you! This is about how I feel! And yeah. I‟ve never been so disappointed in you. JACKSON And you are so pretty. HANNAH You‟re right. sometimes Jackson‟s gross. And if you want to go ahead and date vomiting) Jackson. you got a little boogie. Lola glaring romantically at them) LOLA Wow! Oh. are. And if I‟m gonna‟ date Jackson. LOLA …(gestures . it‟s just something that I have to live with. lazy.

HANNAH Aargh! As they are about to kiss. and Jackson joins them. HANNAH Oh. LOLA Well. Hannah embraces Lola in a hug. Now come here. JACKSON My girls! HANNAH Oh! Jackson burps. baby. and. Miley sits up in her bed. holding various sets of clothes on hangers. the three of them are still embraced with each other. I‟m glad that you‟ve finally accepted our love. HANNAH (Looking away) As long as I don‟t have to see it. come on! *** In the Stewart household.It‟ll be OK. as the screen blurs in. LILY Miley! Oh. Time to seal this deal with a kiss. MILEY That‟s tomorrow? . wobbling music plays. JACKSON Well then you better close your eyes. we see Miley sleeping tight in her bed. why aren‟t you up yet? You‟re supposed to help me pick my outfit for Mack and Mickey tomorrow. disgusted – it was all a dream! Lily calls and walks in Miley‟s room.

This blog does not claim ownership of the reproduced transcripts provided on t . MILEY Arr … that‟s my girl. if you really do like my brother. LILY What was it about? MILEY You liked Jackson … and he liked you back. I‟m OK with it. but I was wrong. MILEY (Relieved) I had the weirdest dream. And I tried to stop it. She embraces Lily in a hug … Hannah Montana © to the Walt Disney Company.LILY Yes … Lily takes a seat next to Miley on the bed. Lily sticks her tongue out and makes a „vomiting‟ noise. LILY Me and Jackson? Together? Really? MILEY Yeah. so.

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