Peter Pan: 2012 A play by Elizabeth Breed

SCENE: The Darling family nursery, London, night. There are three beds, and a smattering of toys, but the most noticeable in the space is a large rack holding all of Wendie’s designer clothing, a desk with a computer on it, a large television set with about four or five gaming systems on it, and a large picture window. At the rise, WENDIE is sitting on her bed, texting. MIKEY is engrossed on a movie on his computer, and JONNY is sitting in front of the large television. They are all wearing pajamas. Next to Wendie’s bed is a small dog carrier, shaped like a castle. Her little yappy fuzzball of a dog, Nana, is sitting in it. MARY enters. MARY. Children! Your father and I are leaving for the evening. (This does not stir any response from the children.) We’re leaving for that grand party we were invited to! Come, give us a kiss. (The kids remain unmoved.) Wendie? (She looks up.) WENDIE. Yeah mom? MARY. How does my dress look? WENDIE. A little out of fashion, but it suits you, I guess. MARY. What do you think of the shoes? WENDIE. Mom, are you going to keep asking me questions? I have to return this text back to Claire. She’s having total boy problems. Michelle Warner totally wants to take Claire’s boyfriend Duncan to the prom. It’s so not happening, but now she’s spreading rumors about Claire saying that she sleeps with guys on the first date. Which is so not true. Everyone knows the farthest she’ll go is third base. I have to do damage control. It’s kind of life or death here, mom. MARY. Oh. I understand. Continue. (Wendie rolls her eyes and returns to the text.) How about you, John? How does mommy look? (Jonny doesn’t look up from the game.) JONNY. Ew. MARY. Oh. Good to know. How about my youngest boy? Michael, what do you think? (Mikey looks up from the movie.) MIKEY. Oh! Mom. When did you get here? MARY. Oh Michael, how about my dress. MIKEY. It’s blue. What’s the occasion again?

MARY. Your father and I are going to the party now. I need one of your famous kisses goodbye. MIKEY. Do I have to? The movie just got really good. MARY. No… I suppose not… (GEORGE enters.) GEORGE. Dear, I seem to be having a hell of a time trying to get this knotted right… what’s the matter? MARY. We’ve lost them, George. GEORGE. What? What do you mean? MARY. We’ve lost them. They’re gone. GEORGE. Nonsense. They’re sitting right here in front of us. MARY. They’re zombies. Flesh eating zombies attached to their mobile devices and ipads and… video games. (Jonny makes a kill on his game, and grunts in approval.) JONNY. YEAH! Killed that motherfucker! MARY. Do you see? George, I’m worried. They’re not children anymore. They’re little… adults who want nothing more than to kill car hijackers on their video games and socialize via text message. I don’t think John’s left that chair for a week now. I haven’t seen Michael eat anything but popcorn and Gatorade, and he’s gone through some strange growth spurt… he looks like he’s in his early 20s and he’s seven. And Wendie… well, she used to go on dates with the most lovely boys, but now… did you see who she brought home on Friday? I think his name was Spike. He’s a motorcycle gang. GEORGE. Mary, you’re overreacting. MARY. I am not. Tell me that you see it too. GEORGE. I… I suppose, but… MARY. Perhaps we shouldn’t go to the party. GEORGE. That’s out of the question. MARY. We can out with the children. Go see a movie. Play Frisbee in the park. GEORGE. I can’t miss this party. It’s important. You know money’s been tight lately. I have to show my boss at the firm that I’m invested. That I’m a team player. The firm is downsizing next month and if I don’t prove myself, we could lose everything.

MARY. I know. It’s been so hard for you. Maybe I should get a part time job? I could go back to teaching. GEORGE. I couldn’t ask you to do that. MARY. I would want to. To support the family. It’s an extra paycheck. And don’t we want Wendie to attend a good school next year. We’re boarding her, remember? WENDIE. You’re what? MARY. Oh, now she listens. WENDIE. You’re sending me to boarding school? Since when? When were you gonna tell me that? GEORGE. It was decided last week. We’re sending you to St. Andrews. WENDIE. Scotland? What the bloody hell is this? I’m not going there! You expect me to leave all my friends behind? That is bollocks! It’s so unfair! Make Jonny go to Eton or something, but don’t send me away from my friends! GEORGE. You’ll go, and that’s final. WENDIE. This is such bullshit. GEORGE. Watch your language young lady! WENDIE. I am a grownup! I should be able to make my own decisions. GEORGE. I am your father, the king of this household, and you will respect what I say! (Nana, a small little fuzzball barks from her carrying case.) You’ll respect what I say or I will take Nana back to the petstore. (This perks up Mikey and Jonny.) MIKEY. Daddy, no! JONNY. You can’t do that, dad! Wendie loves that dog! GEORGE. So be it. This little shit has bothered me for long enough. MARY. George… GEORGE. I can’t stand it! No one around here seems to appreciate all that I do for them, so here’s what’s going to happen. Wendie, you’re going to school in the fall whether you like it or not. This dog is now living outside! WENDIE. You can’t do that! She’s a purebred! She can’t handle the snow! GEORGE. Michael and John you will stop playing around on those bloody contraptions, and five times a week you will participate in team sports.

MIKEY. What? Like… football? JONNY. I burn way to easily. GEORGE. And your video game intake will be regulated to one hour a day. JONNY. You can’t do that to me! How will I survive? GEORGE. You’ll manage. Now, your mother and I will now attend this work party, because we are already dressed, and your mother looks rather smoking hot right now. WENDIE. Ew… dad, really… MARY. Thank you, George. (He pulls the plugs on the game systems and the computer.)

GEORGE. Now, it’s bedtime. Lights out. (He turns out the lights, only the nightlights remain on.) Mary, let’s go. MARY. Goodnight, children. (George and Mary exit, with the dog.) WENDIE. I can’t believe they did that. Poor Nana. JONNY. Do you think he was serious about… the sports? WENDIE. I think so. MIKEY. Are you really leaving for school in the fall? WENDIE. I guess. This totally blows. JONNY. Tell me about it. What now? WENDIE. Well… maybe we should go to bed. We don’t want to make him any madder, do we? MIKEY. Yeah. Good idea. (The three of them get into their beds, and get under the covers. After a few moments, they appear to all be asleep. Just then, the window opens, and PETER enters. He looks around for a few moments, then walks onto the floor, stubbing his toe on one of the legs of Wendie’s best. He howls, and begins to cry. Wendie stirs, and wakes up.) WENDIE. Boy? Why you are crying? PETER. What? Oh. Hi. I’m crying because… I’m not crying. WENDIE. Did you stub your toe? PETER. No!

WENDIE. You did. That’s ok. It must’ve hurt. (Wendie gets out of bed, and walks to Peter, flirting.) But… what are you doing in my room? PETER. The window was open. WENDIE. Do you like coming into people;s windows just because they were open? PETER. No… WENDIE. That’s a little creepy. PETER. It’s not… WENDIE. Are you wearing tights? PETER. I am. So what? WENDIE. And a skirt? PETER. I don’t know what you… WENDIE. Are you gay? PETER. What? What’s “gay”? WENDIE. Do you like other men? Because I’m not gonna lie, you kind of look like a woman right now. PETER. I’m not a woman. WENDIE. Then you’re a pervert… PETER. No… I… I just came for the story. WENDIE. The story? What story? PETER. About Claire and Duncan. And the evil Michelle Warner. And prom. WENDIE. You were eavesdropping? PETER. It was interesting. WENDIE. Look, I’m not your own personal form of “The Hills”. I don’t even know your name. PETER. I’m Peter. Peter Pan. WENDIE. That’s a drag queen name if ever I hear one. Did your mother name you that? PETER. Don’t have a mother. WENDIE. Oh…

PETER. What’s your name? WENDIE. Wendie Dakota Apple Darling. PETER. That’s a lot of names. WENDIE. So, you liked my story, huh? PETER. Yes. I did very much. Would you tell me the end of it? Does Claire get to go to the ball with Duncan? WENDIE. Let’s find out. (She goes and picks up her phone.) Hrm… looks like it. Apparently Claire and Michelle had a little bit of a run in at McKenna Bishop’s birthday party, and Claire pulled a few chunks of Michelle’s weave before slamming her face into the birthday cake. Looks like it’s happily ever after for Claire and Duncan. PETER. Oh that’s great! (Peter turns to go out the window.) WENDIE. Where are you going? PETER. I’m going to tell the ending of the story to the lost boys! WENDIE. Lost boys? There are more of you? Are they cute? PETER. What? Maybe. Did you want to come with me? WENDIE. I don’t know. How’s the cell reception? PETER. I don’t know. Not very good. And I don’t know what that is. WENDIE. Oh bollocks… I really need cell reception, otherwise how will I keep up with all my friends? I’m sorry Peter, I don’t think I should go. PETER. But… I thought we could fight pirates together. And you could be my mother. WENDIE. WHOA! Shut the front door! Your mother? I don’t think so. PETER. Why not? WENDIE. Excuse me, do I look like I’m anyone’s mother? Ew. PETER. Oh… I’ve just never had a mother before… WENDIE. Irregardless, I don’t think it’s a good idea. But… we could make out a little if you want. Before you go. PETER. What? WENDIE. Come on Peter. My brothers are asleep. Mom and Dad are out. And don’t you want to?

PETER. I…I don’t know. WENDIE. Maybe you are gay. PETER. I…I… still don’t know what that means. WENDIE. Just… let me give you a kiss. (Peter holds out his hand as if she can physically give it to him.) What are you doing? PETER. I’m ready for my kiss. WENDIE. Don’t you know what a kiss is? PETER. I should know when you give one to me. (Wendie takes his hand and puts it on her breast.) Whoa. Good kiss. WENDIE. That’s not even the best part. (She kisses him, pretty passionately. And pulls him on to her empty bed. They make out for a few seconds, the Jonny wakes up.) JONNY. Mom and dad are going to kill you. WENDIE. Shut up, Jonny! (Mikey wakes up as well.) PETER. Who’s that? MIKEY. Who’s that? WENDIE. (Very unenthused.) Boys, this is Peter Pan. Peter Pan these are my brothers Jonny and Mikey. PETER. We should all go to Neverland together! MIKEY. Neverland? JONNY. Is that like a gay bar or something? MIKEY. Yeah… I think it is. I think it’s down the street… PETER. No! It’s a place full of adventure! Fighting Indians and Pirates. And there are Mermaids… JONNY. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Girl mermaids? PETER. Yes. WENDIE. And what kind of pirates are we talking about? Like… Orlando Bloom pirates? Cute ones? Are they as cute as the lost boys? MIKEY. What kind of movies do you show there? JONNY. What kind of gaming systems do you have? Don’t tell me you only have a Wii. Kinect is so much better.

WENDIE. Are there fun shops? I really need a new Kate Spade bag. Oh, should I pack for it? Oh god, what am I going to wear? PETER. No… I don’t know what you’re talking about… look, we have adventures! It’s a place where you’ll never grow old. WENDIE. Never grow old? So I won’t have to go to St. Andrews? That’s awesome. But… wait… I won’t ever turn 18? I won’t be able to drink? JONNY. I can’t get a driver’s license? MIKEY. I won’t be able to vote? (Wendie and Jonny look at Mikey.) Or… you know… do any other grown up things. PETER. No. I’ll make you forget about any grown up things. We can ride the wind, we can fly… WENDIE. We’re flying? I hate airports. JONNY. I get sick. MIKEY. Sky Mall always sucks. PETER. No. All we have to do is think lovely thoughts and it’ll lift you into the air! WENDIE. You mean like… actually flying? PETER. Yes! (He pulls out fairy dust and showers it on them.) JONNY. What the hell is this? PETER. Pixie dust. WENDIE. I knew it! You are gay! PETER. Just think lovely, wonderful thoughts and you’ll fly. JONNY. A good kill in a video game! MIKEY. Cheeseburgers! WENDIE. Boys! JONNY. Harry Potter! MIKEY. Harry Potter! WENDIE. Boys. JONNY. Megan Fox. MIKEY. Zoey Deschanel.

WENDIE. Me in the middle of a Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds sandwich. (She looks at her feet.) I’m not flying. Your pixie dust is defective. PETER. Those thoughts aren’t happy enough. JONNY. I don’t know, Peter, thinking about Megan Fox sure made me feel happy. MIKEY. And something sure was lifted. PETER. You know what… maybe Neverland isn’t such a good place for all of you. I think you’re already grown up. How old are you? WENDIE. Fifteen. JONNY. Thirteen. MIKEY. Seven. PETER. You’re seven? MIKEY. Yes. PETER. You look like you’re 24. MIKEY. Growth spurt. WENDIE. Look, we really want to go to Neverland… maybe. I want to see the cute Pirates. PETER. They’re not cute! They’re ferocious. Dirty, smelly, non-sexy pirates. And there’s no electricity. JONNY. No video games? MIKEY. No movies? WENDIE. No hair-dryer? PETER. No! None of that! WENDIE. Ew. Fuck that. I’m staying home. MIKEY. Me too. JONNY. What about the mermaids? Can I lay some groundwork with them? PETER. If you touch them, they drown you. JONNY. Well now I’m depressed. PETER. I’m just going to find Tinker Bell and go home. WENDIE. Tinker Bell?

PETER. My fairy. WENDIE. I knew it. Gay. (Mary and George come into the room.) MARY. Children, we’re home! (She sees Peter.) Oh my. WENDIE. Mom, Dad! GEORGE. That’s it young lady! This is the last time I catch a boy in your room! WENDIE. He came in on his own, I swear. GEORGE. Is this true? JONNY. It is! MIKEY. Yes sir. GEORGE. Who are you and what is your business here, young man? PETER. My name is Peter Pan, and I came for the story. GEORGE. What story? PETER. About Wendie’s friend Claire. MARY. Teenage gossip? Why don’t you listen to a real story? PETER. I don’t know any. And I thought I could take them back with me to Neverland. MARY. Isn’t that the gay bar down the way? PETER. No. It’s my home. Full of adventures, and flying, and… no electricity. GEORGE. No electricity? PETER. Your children didn’t want to come. Because there are no video games… MARY. No video games? PETER. And no movies… GEORGE. No movies? PETER. And no hair dryers. GEORGE and MARY. No hair dryers! MARY. That sounds like paradise! PETER. And you never grow old. You leave all grown up things behind. (Mary turns to George.)

MARY. It would be very relaxing! GEORGE. Not a care in the world. MARY. And no texting. GEORGE. No psychopathic video games. MARY. No bake sales or slumber parties. GEORGE. No board meetings or ass-kissing GEORGE and MARY. No Justin Bieber! MARY. Mr. Pan, would… would my husband and I be able to accompany you to Neverland? PETER. You? MARY. Unless you fear that we’re too old. GEORGE. But god-damn it, we need a vacation. MARY. It’s so hard being an adult sometimes. GEORGE. It might be nice not having a care in the world. (Peter contemplates, and then smiles mischeiviously.) PETER. Of course you may come. WENDIE. Mommy? PETER. Here’s some pixie dust. (He showers them in glitter. They both giggle.) GEORGE. Oh! That tickles! PETER. No think wonderful thoughts. MARY. Bloody Marys! GEORGE. Golfing on weekends! MARY. “50 Shades of Grey”! GEORGE. Sleeping until noon! GEORGE and MARY. Sex! JONNY. Daddy? PETER. And away we go! WENDIE. Wait? What are we supposed to do without you?

MARY. Don’t worry dear. You’re a grownup. I’m sure you’ll think of something. Wee! (She hops out the window.) GEORGE. Bye, losers! (He hops out as well, giggling like crazy.) PETER. So long! (And Peter leaves.) WENDIE. Wait! Call me! (The three of them stand in awe of what has just happened.) MIKEY. Did mommy and daddy just go crazy? JONNY. I think so. WENDIE. No… that was just what you would call a midlife crisis. So… yeah… crazy. (The three of them stand still, contemplating what to do next. The lights dim.) END OF PLAY