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¿Conoces esa mirada que tienen las mujeres cuando quieren sexo contigo? Yo tampoco. ¿Por qué debería preocuparme por la posteridad? ¿Qué ha hecho la posteridad por mí? ¿Que el sexo prematrimonial es pecado? No existe el sexo premarital si no tienes intenciones de casarte. ¿Qué por qué estaba yo con esa mujer? Porque me recuerda a tí. De hecho, me recuerda a tí más que tú. ¿Te sientes solo? ¡Hazte esquizofrénico! 2 es menor que 3, incluso para valores grandes de dos. A quien va usted a creer, ¿A mí, o a sus propios ojos? Adelgazar es fácil: basta con tener apetito de las cosas que no gustan. Algunos matrimonios acaban bien, otros duran toda la vida. Amo a la Humanidad, lo que me revienta es la gente. Aquellos que crean en la telequinesis, que levanten mi brazo. Arreglar los problemas no es difícil: lo único que se necesita es dinero. Aunque a todos les está permitido pensar, muchos se lo ahorran. Bebo para hacer interesantes a las demás personas. Bebo porque es líquido. Si fuera sólido, lo comería. Bigamia es tener una esposa de más. Monogamia es lo mismo. Buscamos la felicidad, pero sin saber dónde, como los borrachos buscan su casa, sabiendo que tienen una. Citadme diciendo que me han citado mal. Contra el vicio de pedir, hay la virtud de no dar. Creo que el sexo es una cosa hermosa entre dos personas. Entre cinco, ya es fantástica. Creo que el sexo es una de las cosas más bonitas, naturales y gratificantes que el dinero puede comprar. Cualquier situación, por mala que sea, es susceptible de empeorar. Cuando se dice que el dinero no hace la felicidad se alude, evidentemente, al de los demás. Cuando una dama dice no, quiere decir quizás; cuando dice quizás, quiere decir sí; y si dice sí, no es una dama. Cuando varias cosas pueden fallar, siempre lo hará la que cause un mayor daño. Dadme un punto de apoyo... y me beberé otro whisky. Debo confesar que nací a una edad muy temprana. DENTISTA: Individuo que, sin pedirlo siquiera, logra poner su instrumento en la boca de una mujer, que no es la suya. Dentro de cada gran problema, siempre hay uno pequeño que lucha por abrirse paso. Detrás de cada gran hombre hay una gran mujer. Detrás de ella, está su esposa. DIALOGO: Dícese generalmente del forcejeo de dos monólogos. Diferencia entre una hechicera y una bruja: 5 años de matrimonio. DOGMA: Es el hijo de la Esperanza y el Miedo explicándole, a la Ignorancia, la naturaleza de lo Desconocido. El alcohol mata lentamente. No importa no tengo prisa. El amor es el único deporte que no se interrumpe por falta de luz. El dinero no da la felicidad, pero aplaca los nervios. El dinero no es nada, pero mucho dinero, eso ya es otra cosa. El dinero no lo es todo, pero ¿quién quiere todo? El hombre capaz de sonreir cuando las cosas van mal, ya ha pensado a quien le echará la El hombre tropieza a veces casualmente con la verdad pero, en tal caso, desvía un poco su trayectoria, la evita, y sigue su camino.
El matrimonio es la principal causa de divorcio. El matrimonio es una gran institución. Por supuesto, si te gusta vivir en una institución. El mundo está dividido en dos clases de personas, las que creen que el mundo está dividido en dos clases, y las que no. El problema es que Dios le dio al hombre un cerebro y un pene, y sólo suficiente sangre para que funcione uno a la vez. El puede parecer un idiota y actuar como un idiota. Pero no se deje engañar. Es realmente un El secreto del éxito es la honestidad. Si puedes evitarla, está hecho. El sexo es como un juego de dominó: Si no tienes una buena pareja... más te vale tener una buena mano. El sexo no es bueno, porque destroza la ropa. El sexo sin amor es sin duda una experiencia vacia, pero como experiencia vacia es de las El tacto consiste en saber hasta dónde se puede llegar demasiado lejos. El tiempo sin ti es... 'empo'. El trabajo en equipo es esencial. Le permite culpar a otro. El trabajo endulza la vida; pero no a todos les gustan los dulces. El único momento para ser positivo es cuando estés positivamente seguro de haberte Ella es intolerable, pero es su único defecto. En el fondo de todo ser humano subyace un genio. Lo que pasa es que muchos son tan estúpidos que no son capaces de dejarlo salir a flote. En las lágrimas femeninas, el hombre sabio sólo ve un líquido. Errar es humano. Echarle la culpa a otro es más humano todavía. Es bueno dejar el trago, lo malo es no acordarse donde. Es más fácil hacer preguntas estupidas que corregir errores estupidos. Es más fácil quedar bien como amante que como marido; porque es más fácil ser oportuno e ingenioso de vez en cuando que todos los días. Es mejor estar callado y parecer tonto que hablar y despejar las dudas definitivamente. Es totalmente cierto que el vino gana con la edad: cuanto más viejo me voy haciendo, más me Estos son mis principios. Si a usted no le gustan, tengo otros. Existen dos cosas muy importantes en el mundo: una es el sexo, de la otra no me acuerdo. Fuera del perro, un libro es probablemente el mejor amigo del hombre, y dentro del perro probablemente está demasiado oscuro para leer. Hay tantas cosas en la vida más importantes que el dinero... ¡Pero cuestan tanto!. Hay tontos que fingen ser sabios y sabios que fingen ser tontos, pero tú eres el primer caso que he conocido de un tonto que finge ser un tonto. Hay tres tipos de mujeres: las lindas, las inteligentes y la mayoría. He disfrutado mucho con esta obra, especialmente en el descanso. He pasado una noche estupenda. Pero no ha sido esta. La felicidad está hecha de pequeñas cosas: Un pequeño yate, una pequeña mansión, una pequeña fortuna... Hijo mío: trata de ganar dinero honradamente, y si no puedes, trata de ganar dinero... Jamás aceptaría pertenecer a un club que admitiera como miembro a alguien como yo. La bisexualidad dobla inmediatamente tus posibilidades de ligar un sábado por la noche. La política es el arte de buscar problemas, encontrarlos, hacer un diagnóstico falso y aplicar después los remedios equivocados. La política no hace extraños compañeros de cama. El matrimonio si. La salud es un estado transitorio entre dos épocas de enfermedad, y que además no presagia nada bueno.
La última vez que estuve dentro de una mujer fue cuando visitaba la Estatua de la Libertad. La única manera de conservar la salud es comer lo que no quieres, beber lo que no te gusta, y hacer lo que preferirías no hacer. La verdad absoluta no existe, y esto es una verdad absoluta. La verdad es lo mas valioso que tenemos. Economicémosla. La vida es una moneda. Lástima que la mía sea de 1 centavo. Las chicas son como los dominios de Internet. Las que me gustan ya están «cogidas». Las mujeres necesitan una razón para tener sexo. Los hombres sólo necesitan un lugar. Las mujeres son capaces de fingir un orgasmo, pero los hombres pueden fingir una relación Las mujeres son como las traducciones: si son fieles, dificilmente sean tan bellas y, sin son bellas, dificilmente sean tan fieles. Las tentaciones, a diferencia de las oportunidades, siempre se nos presentan muchas veces. Las visitas siempre dan placer. Si no lo dan al llegar, lo dan al irse. Ley de relatividad: Por fantástico que sea tu éxito o por desastroso que sea tu fracaso, hay millones de chinos a los cuales no les importa lo más mínimo. Lo único que impide a Dios mandar un segundo diluvio, es que el primero fue inútil. Los problemas ni se crean, ni se destruyen, sólo se transforman. Los seguros cubren absolutamente todo, menos lo que sucede. Los viejos lo creen todo; los adultos todo lo sospechan; mientras que los jovenes todo lo saben. Más virginidades se pierden por curiosidad que por amor. Masturbarse es hacerle el amor a la persona que uno más quiere. Me opongo a las relaciones sexuales antes de la boda, por el peligro de llegar tarde a la Mi esposa es un objeto sexual. Cada vez que le pido sexo, ella objeta. Mi novia siempre se ríe mientras le hago el amor — no importa lo que esté leyendo. Necesitamos chicas cuyo nombre no termine en .JPG No hay tarea tan simple que no pueda salir mal. No intentes sobrevivir a la vida, puesto que nadie ha salido vivo de ella. No piense mal de mí, señorita, mi interés por usted, es puramente sexual. No puedes tenerlo todo... donde lo meterías? No puedo decir que no estoy en desacuerdo contigo. Nunca olvido una cara. Pero en su caso, hare gustoso una excepción. Nunca se rompe nada de lo que uno tiene repuesto. O usted se ha muerto o mi reloj se ha parado. Partiendo de la nada alcance las más altas cimas de la miseria. Perdónenme si les llamo caballeros, pero es que no les conozco muy bien Prefiero los finales cortos y misericordiosos que las amistades largas y mal intencionadas. Recordad que estamos luchando por el honor de esa mujer, lo que probablemente es más de lo que ella hizo jamás. SABIO: Persona que duda de lo que los demás creen saber perfectamente bien. Si algo finalmente ha ido bien, a la larga, hubiera sido mejor que hubiera ido mal. Si el dinero no te da la felicidad devuélvelo. Si mantienes la calma cuando todos pierden la cabeza es que no te enteras del problema. Si te sientes bien, tranquilo ya se te pasará. Si un amigo te clava un cuchillo en la espalda, desconfía de su amistad. Siempre hay un problema para cada solución. Siempre que llegas puntual a la cita no hay nadie alli para comprobarlo, y si por el contrario llegas tarde, todo el mundo habrá llegado antes que tú. Siempre que ocurre igual sucede lo mismo.
Sólo hay una forma de saber si un hombre es honesto. Preguntárselo. Y si responde "si", sabes que está corrupto. Sólo un tonto es capaz de reproducir el trabajo de otro tonto. Todo el mundo debe creer en algo, yo creo que voy a seguir bebiendo, discúlpenme. Todo el mundo puede hacerse mayor. Lo único que se requiere es vivir el tiempo suficiente. Un fanático es alguien que redobla sus esfuerzos cuando ha olvidado su objetivo. Si no puedes ser un buen ejemplo, tendrás que conformarte con ser una horrible advertencia. A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't. A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended. A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of. A modest little person, with much to be modest about. Adventure is just bad planning. An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex. Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch. Cocaine is God's way of saying that you're making too much money. Conformity is an obsession with me. Confusion is always the most honest response. Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the fine line between sanity and madness gotten finer? Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our Either I've been missing something or nothing has been going on. Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. Feelings are like your mother's breasts, you know where they are, but they are better left unfelt. For me to ask a woman out, I've got to get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks. He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once. I always get the feeling that when lesbians look at me, they're thinking, '*That's* why I'm not a heterosexual.' I am not sincere, even when I say I am not. I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something. I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life. I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation. I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable. I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra. I've Driven Women to Lesbianism before, but never to a mental institution. I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done. If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me. If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else. In order to preserve your self-respect, it is sometimes necessary to lie and cheat. In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite. In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is. It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like. It's not a lie if you believe it. It's not living alone if you keep a rifle under the bed. It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. Most people have seen worse things in private than they pretend to be shocked at in public. My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right? My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of the pessimists. Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge. Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else. One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. Pity's very underrated. I like pity. It's good. Please, a little respect, for I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"/ Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it. The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism. The only good ideas are the ones I can take credit for. The only thing I like about rich people is their money. The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. The Romans would never have found time to conquer the world if they had been obliged first to learn Latin. The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible. The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money. There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance. To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable. Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies. Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.
We live in a Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankenstein logic. We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police. When women smile at me I don't know what it means. Sometimes I interpret it like they're psychotic or something. And I don't know if I'm supposed to smile back. I don't know what to do. Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else? Wine makes a man more pleased with himself; I do not say that it makes him more pleasing to Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up. You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me. I'm no good! You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist. You've been a naughty girl, go to my room. Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there. Here's a thing about monogamy, it only works if you cheat. If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive. Who are you and how did you get in here?' 'I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.' Why be a man when you can be a success? Indecision may or may not be my problem. All power corrupts, but we need the electricity. I tend to like people based on how good I think they would taste. I am a deeply superficial person. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. Physics is like sex. Sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it. Would those of you in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry. Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk. Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago. It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories - those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost. The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised. Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock. The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be taken too seriously. The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass. His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure? We are here on Earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don't know. It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can stop him from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important. What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. The opposite of the religious fanatic is not the fanatical atheist but the gentle cynic who cares not whether there is a god or not. Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable. He's the kind of a guy who lights up a room just by flicking a switch. Saying what we think gives us a wider conversational range than saying what we know. Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting. A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water. Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. The purpose of life is to fight maturity. It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish. I no longer prepare food or drink with more than one ingredient. Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting. There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad. I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything. Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. Dance like it hurts,/ Love like you need money,/ Work when people are watching. Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future. Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and he'll eat for weeks! The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. Yo soy de gustos más sencillos: matar al enemigo, quedarme con su oro, disfrutar con sus mujeres. Y eso es todo. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes. When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them both. When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. El secreto para tener una buena autoestima es bajar tus expectativas hasta el punto en que ambas se encuentren. I don't necessarily agree with everything I say. I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life. Un consejo es algo que pedimos cuando sabemos la respuesta pero nos gustaría no saberla. Most people would rather be certain they're miserable than risk being happy. Life is a sexually transmitted disease. I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience. To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep. Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. To err is dysfunctional, to forgive co-dependent. Después de todo, una señora es lo mismo que una señorita después de todo. Hay momentos en la vida que son verdaderamente momentaneos. You wake me up early in the morning to tell me I am right? Please wait until I am wrong. Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well. There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost. To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady. The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. Punctuality is the virtue of the bored. I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it. Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving. The men who really believe in themselves are all in lunatic asylums. I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know. It's never just a game when you're winning. If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect. My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good. Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses. Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary. That's the secret to life... replace one worry with another.... I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world. Until you've lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was. The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. And remember, no matter where you go, there you are. Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death. Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. Efficiency is intelligent laziness. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. You don't get anything clean without getting something else dirty. Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times. People who have no weaknesses are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them. The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything - even if you have no clue what you're doing. Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable. I've been trying for some time to develop a lifestyle that doesn't require my presence. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off. I am a Marxist--of the Groucho tendency. I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. There are only two ways of telling the complete truth--anonymously and posthumously. You know that children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers. No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a dirty little beast. You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed. Los lunes son la peor forma posible de pasar una séptima parte de tu vida. Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. I hate life, I hate death and everything in between just doesn't interest me. Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves. He was a genius - that is to say, a man who does superlatively and without obvious effort something that most people cannot do by the uttermost exertion of their abilities. Never judge a book by its movie. Nunca sonrío si puedo evitarlo. Mostrar los dientes es señal de sumisión entre los primates. Así que cuando alguien me sonríe, todo lo que veo es a un chimpancé suplicando por su vida. Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. Reason has always existed, but not always in a reasonable form. I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened. Speak the truth, but leave immediately after. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. Not every story has explosions and car chases. That's why they have nudity and espionage. Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. Muchas personas son demasiado educadas como para hablar con la boca llena, pero no se preocupan por hacerlo con la cabeza hueca. Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches too high. I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere. There is nothing more demoralizing than a small but adequate income. There is always a well-known solution to every human problem--neat, plausible, and wrong. Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy. Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep. The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye. The more light you shine on it, the more it will From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. I hope that when I die, people say about me, 'Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money'. Todos los animales somos iguales, pero algunos animales somos más iguales que otros. Lies are like children: they're hard work, but it's worth it because the future depends on them. When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice. If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style. Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. La luz viaja más rápido que el sonido. Es por eso que algunas personas parecen brillantes hasta el momento en que abren la boca. I believe that every human has a finite number of heart-beats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises. The future will be better tomorrow. El fracaso no es una opción. Es un privilegio reservado para quienes al menos lo intentan. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. When a man says he approves of something in principle, it means he hasn't the slightest intention of putting it into practice. I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?' Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself. The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way. Good taste is the worst vice ever invented. Lo primero es lo primero, pero no necesariamene en ese orden. Living hell is the best revenge. I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. Doing nothing is very hard to do ... you never know when you're finished. If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself. Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once. It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy. The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity. There comes a time in every man's life and I've had many of them. All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do. No vemos las cosas tal como son, las vemos como somos nosotros. Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself. The only thing that lasts longer than a friend's love is the stupidity that keeps us from knowing any better. La siembra es libre, la cosecha obligatoria. Como no sabían que era imposible, lo consiguieron.
Steve Martin Groucho Marx Matt Barry Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx Jane Russel Woody Allen Susanita, amiga de Mafalda
Curts Goetx Groucho Marx Oscar Wilde Voltaire Groucho Marx Woody Allen Tom Clancy Sacha Guitry
Noel Clarasó Jeanne Bourgeois George Bernard Shaw
Groucho Marx Groucho Marx
Robin Williams Groucho Marx Groucho Marx Mae West Jackie Kennedy Drew Carey
Víctor Hugo Talleyrand
Honorato de Balzac Groucho Marx Groucho Marx Woody Allen Groucho Marx Julius Marx- Groucho Marx Herodes Agripa Groucho Marx Groucho Marx Groucho Marx Narciso Ibáñez Menta Groucho Marx Rodney Dangerfield Groucho Marx Groucho Marx Winston Churchill
Woody Allen Mark Twain Mark Twain
Billy Crystal Sharon Stone
Oscar Wilde Woody Allen Bob Hope Steve Jobs
Groucho Marx Groucho Marx Groucho Marx Groucho Marx Groucho Marx Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx Groucho Marx Groucho Marx
George Costanza Winston Churchill Oscar Wilde Forrest Tucker
George Costanza Mark Twain Clarence Darrow
George Costanza George Costanza George Costanza Irvin S. Cobb Jimmy Buffett Scott Adams
George Costanza George Costanza
Jack E. Leonard
George Costanza George Costanza George Costanza Scott Adams Denny Crane Samuel Goldwyn Leslie Nielsen Bertolt Brecht Jimmy Buffett Scott Adams Andy Warhol Mark Twain Richard P. Feynman John Lennon Andy Gibb Bernard Berenson Jerry Seinfeld Albert Einstein Don Marquis James Thurber H. L. Mencken Evan Esar W. C. Fields Russell Baker George F. Will John Barrymore Nicholas Butler Martin Mull Woody Allen George Bush
Steven Wright Harry Shearer W. H. Auden Martin Luther King Jr. Dave Barry Eric Hoffer H. L. Mencken Cullen Hightower Alan Dean Foster Carl Reiner A. H. Weiler Dick Werthimer George Burns Aeschylus Cyra McFadden John Russell Salvador Dali Mae West Dorothy Nevill Herm Albright George Bernard Shaw H. L. Mencken Johann Wolfgang von Goethe John Lennon Scott Adams Niels Bohr Toshihiro Kawabata Franklin P. Jones Titus Pullo Henry J. Tillman Edgard Varese Al Franken Gracie Allen Bill Waterson Marshall McLuhan E. B. White
Rita Rudner Robert Byrne Erica Jong Robert Anthony R. D. Laing Mitch Hedberg Doug Larson Joan Klempner Fletcher Knebel Berton Averre Mario Moreno "Cantinflas" Mario Moreno "Cantinflas" Johann von Neumann Dave Barry Samuel Butler Clint Eastwood Gustave Flaubert Wilson Mizner George Bernard Shaw Evelyn Waugh Garrison Keillor David Letterman G. K. Chesterton Garry Shandling George Carlin Ted Turner Rita Rudner Stephen Colbert Margaret Millar Mark Twain Evan Esar Charles M. Schulz Oscar Wilde Margaret Mitchell Samuel Johnson Earl Mac Rauch Abraham Lincoln Saki H. L. Mencken Rodney Dangerfield Cecil Baxter Rita Rudner Anatole France Andrew S. Tanenbaum
Jessica Alba Fran Lebowitz Garry Trudeau George Carlin Ellen DeGeneres Totie Fields Thomas Sowell John J. Plomp W. S. Gilbert Al Capone Woody Allen David Frost Pancho Villa Jackie Mason Lucille S. Harper Chris Rapier Dorothy Parker Robertson Davies J. W. Eagan Dwight Schrute Albert Camus Karl Marx Gilda Radner W. C. Fields Mark Twain George Burns Bill Barnes and Gene Ambaum Dave Barry Orson Welles Adrienne E. Gusoff Edmund Wilson H. L. Mencken Isaac Newton Isaac Asimov
Rita Rudner H. L. Mencken George Best Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. Groucho Marx Jack Handey George Orwell Pam Davis Marquis de la Grange Quentin Crisp Jules Feiffer Doris Egan Abraham Maslow Bill Cosby
Buzz Aldrin Dan Quayle W. C. Fields Otto von Bismarck Steve Martin Don Marquis Jane Wagner Samuel Butler Edith Sitwell Doctor Who Adrienne E. Gusoff Emo Phillips Leslie Nielsen Mickey Mantle Evan Esar Oscar Wilde Spike Milligan Harlan Ellison Casey Stengel Fran Lebowitz Dale Carnegie Anaïs Nin Fran Lebowitz
Sam Levenson Randy K. Milholland
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