Paradigms Ltd

Harley M Storey
A.C.E (NZSC), M.I.C.F

Dear Subscriber Here are a selection of coaching tools from 101 Tools Life Coaches Use®. I hope you will find them interesting, challenging and fun to use yourself or with your clients! Please don’t assume that the short tools are insignificant, they are just as useful as the more extensive tools. To make them easy to understand and use, each tool opens with a brief introduction and explanation in blue italics. The Table of Contents below contains active links so you can go straight to the tool by clicking its name! If you have any feedback, comments or suggestions, I'd love to hear them, please email me at harley@life-coach-tools.com Kind regards

Harley M Storey The Life Coach Toolman!
A.C.E (NZSC), M.I.C.F

Paradigms Life Coaching (1999) Limited

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Table Of Contents
Videos ................................................................................................................. 4
How To Resolve Your Problems! 4 What Michael Phelps Does That You Don’t! Is Your Glass Half Empty Or Half Full? 4 4

General Coaching Tools ................................................................................ 5
Your Super Self! 6 The Life Wheel 7 Flush Out Those False Beliefs! 9 Life Roles Wheel 10 Stop Your Spending! 11 Problems And Potential Life Is Garbage & Life Is Great ! 13 Conflict Tool 14 Reveal Your Hearts Wisdom 15 The Porcupine Problem Solver! 16 Decisions Tool 17 Do A Stress Inventory 18 The Heart Language Tool 20 The Five Stages Of The Grief Process Feel The Feeling Tool 23 Am I A Failure Checklist? 24 Infinite Solutions Tool 25

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Relationship Tools........................................................................................ 26
My Dream Partner 27 Reflective Listening 28 Relationship Cycles 29 Score Your Dream Partner! 31 Relationship Circle 33 How Well Do You Know Your Partner Quiz? When You … I Feel … 35 A Quick Lesson In Speaking Martian! 36

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youtube.com/watch?v=c64mIGGhhOc Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. 4 .com/watch?v=M_EsvoUxLW8 What Michael Phelps Does That You Don’t http://www. How To Solve All Your Problems http://www.com/watch?v=Ou6tgfhEptY Is Your Glass Half Empty or Half Full? http://www.youtube.Paradigms Ltd Videos As you know I am known as the “Life Coach Toolman” – if you'd like to check out some You Tube videos just click the link or video below. All International Rights Reserved.youtube.

Paradigms Ltd General Coaching Tools Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved. 5 .

Paradigms Ltd Your Super Self! This is a simple tool I start almost every client with. and helps build confidence and self-esteem going forward. wrote this out and posted it by his bed so he could read his unique qualities and achievements first thing in the morning whilst he was still lying in bed. All International Rights Reserved. 6 . who was feeling rather unmotivated. because a wonderful way to increase self-confidence is to write about your achievements.even a cute pinkie toe or particularly shapely ear lobe! Try reading this to yourself out loud every morning for a week ! o o o Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. He said it gave him a boost first thing in the day! Here’s how to do your very own Super Self tool: On a blank sheet of paper o o list at least twelve things that make you special list at least twenty personal achievements and successes – even if it's learning to tie your own shoes! list at least twenty things that you are good at or can do well – maybe including cleaning your teeth! list ten exceptional qualities or unique things about you write down at least one particularly attractive physical feature . This gives people some tangible evidence of their accomplishments and something to refer to when they experience moments of insecurity during the coaching process and in future life. I have seen this little tool change lives all by itself! One client.

Personal Development. 7 . Relatives Social .Friends. / continued on following page Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. Sport. Activities Health . Sport. Hobbies Relationship .Exercise.Paradigms Ltd The Life Wheel This is the first tool I do with a client and helps you get a snapshot of “where you're at” • • • • Get a blank sheet of paper Draw a large circle Divide the circle into eight segments – like a pizza – where each piece represents an area of your life as it is now. Spiritual..Children. Investments Creative . etc. Artistic .Happiness.Savings. Diet Financial . This Life Wheel is labeled with eight areas of life.Self-space..as Health. Self-space. All International Rights Reserved. Parents. The general categories are: • • • • • • • • Fun . Label each piece .current or future Life Partner Career . You can use these labels or. Career path Family . if there is a specific area of your life you would like to examine just substitute a category.Job satisfaction.

Look at your scores. 8 . 2.Paradigms Ltd 1. Action What actions can you take to start moving forward in these areas? 1. 2. 4. All International Rights Reserved. Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. Write 1 if you are unsatisfied in this area and up to 10 if you are totally satisfied. What are the 2 lowest scores? What are the 2 areas you would most like to move forward? 3. 2. Assign a number from 1 to 10 next to each category. Moving forward … How would you feel if you could significantly move forward in these 2 areas? 1.

When the unexpected happens I ……………………………………………………….………….. happens I stress out and feel like ………………………. so here’s a list of beliefs that may need updating! Step 1 • • • • • • • • • • • • • • When under pressure I ………………………. I seek my ……………’s approval (always / mostly / usually / occasionally) My most frequent negative / uncomfortable emotion is feeling …………………. What drives most of my behavior is ……………………………………………. When ………………………. I always try to ………………………………………………………. I am always trying to stop ……………………. I am afraid of ……………………………………………………….. from happening.. 9 .. The biggest obstacle that stops me loving and approving of myself is ………………. All International Rights Reserved.Paradigms Ltd Flush Out Those False Beliefs! Before you can transform negative thoughts and feelings.. I need to learn to ………………………………………………………. Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. My Achilles’ heel (greatest weakness) is ………………………. The feeling I dislike the most is ………………………. go back and re-do the exercise writing how you would like to be. For example: When under pressure I … panic to When under pressure I … think about the situation calmly and ask for support. you need to become aware of them. Congratulations – that took courage! Step 2 Now you have identified your false beliefs.………………………. I often feel guilty about ……………………………………………………….

Draw a large circle Divide the circle into segments – like a cake – where each area represents a role in your life. Daughter. Any surprises? Did you allow for any space for You? • • Try drawing another Roles Wheel the way you would like things to be. 10 . Label them. All International Rights Reserved. ME Partner Mother Designer Life Roles Exercise: • • • • • • Get a blank sheet of paper Head it “The Roles of my Life. Partner.Paradigms Ltd Life Roles Wheel Feeling overwhelmed? Feeling stretched by your life roles? Do you feel the need to redefine or declare your boundaries? This tool helps you to clarify your life roles and help establish boundaries and understand your limitations. etc. The bigger the piece the more important it is. What you have come up with. Sister. Are there any differences with your first roles wheel and the second one showing how you would like things to be? Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. When you have settled on the relative sizes that each piece should be. you may wish to color them also.” and apportion the roles in your life – Mother. Employee.

) Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. consider if you had done this: • • • Put your credit card in a bowl of water Placed it in the freezer And when you were tempted to buy something – you could purchase it but you would have to wait until your card thaws out.Paradigms Ltd Stop Your Spending! A great tool to help you think twice and put the brakes on your spending! The next time you feel like making an impulse purchase. If you had to think for a few hours before buying. would you still make the purchase? Is it a “want” or a “need?” (With modern credit cards having chips and electronic strips we do not recommend freezing them – so think of this tool as a fun “mental exercise” to help you think twice before adding yet more debt to your cards. All International Rights Reserved. 11 .

like the tender fronds of a fresh green shoot. and change. represent the start of something new . But loss can also represent freedom. what have I gained? If every problem possesses the seeds of its own solution. no matter how small or insignificant? Does this situation have a positive aspect? Can I open myself up to my feelings a little more? • What is something I can do to help me get in touch with my feelings? Who can I turn to for support? What can I take from experiencing this? What can I learn? How can I grow? Am I flowing with the situation. All International Rights Reserved.Paradigms Ltd Problems and Potential You may have heard the saying that every problem is an opportunity – but now about turning problems into potential? Change brings loss and loss brings grief. or fighting and resisting? How can I create faith for the future and strength to go on? Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited.. and what are some possible solutions? What is something good about this situation. 12 .. where is the opportunity in my problem. Exercise: • • • • • • • • • I have lost.

throw it away. but when we have them. discard the list you do not wish to focus on . On one piece of paper.Paradigms Ltd Life is Garbage & Life is Great! “The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings. 13 . to drink a glass of water. Try reading the remaining list every morning for a week and see what happens! • Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. it is wonderful to be able to take a breath when we want to. This exercise can help us redress the balance of what's really right and wrong in our life … Exercise: • • Get two blank sheets of paper. to eat whenever we like. including everything that’s “not wrong. it is so easy to take our blessings for granted. but so often we do not think of the joy of not having these problems until we experience them and then wish them away. or have the blessing of good eyesight. If we were without these things we would be thinking about acquiring them.” Eric Hoffer What's “Wrong?” It is often very easy to answer the question “what’s wrong” in our life. if you wish to make this a memorable event. it is a wonderful thing to have a non-headache or a non-toothache. All International Rights Reserved. write a list of all the positive things in your life right now. What's “Right?” Similarly. But what's “Not Wrong?” However. list all of the things that are “wrong” in your life – don’t be afraid to be negative – get it all out! On the other. place the two pieces of paper side by side and ask yourself … • “What is of the greatest use to me and what serves me most? • • Focusing on what's ‘Wrong’ or what ‘Not Wrong’?” • • When you have decided which list is best for you to dwell on.” When you have finished. maybe even bury or burn it.

14 . All International Rights Reserved.Paradigms Ltd Conflict Tool A handy tool if you are having issues with someone … Exercise: Write down what they are doing that causes the problem • • then write how you contribute to the problem ask yourself. Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. • • • • “What can I do to stop things escalating?” “What is my responsibility here?” “What steps can I take to help resolve this problem or restore this relationship?” Write down one of their positive qualities and focus on that.

Include all the memories – positive and negative – you can remember. highlight or underline anything that strikes you as interesting. These are the messages and the wisdom your heart is bringing through to you. As you read over what you have written. etc – basically getting it all out. All International Rights Reserved. • • • • When you have finished. 15 . or better still sleep on it. leave it for a few hours before reading it. Think about what these messages are. and what wisdom your heart is revealing to you. such as “How do really I feel about Sam?” or “How do I feel about my job” Write down all the things you wish you could say. burn it. unusual or significant. place in a bottle and let it go in the ocean. but will help you to reveal your hearts messages and wisdom.Paradigms Ltd Reveal Your Hearts Wisdom This tool helps you move on from anything significant and gain insight into where you are ‘at’ emotionally. ask yourself what you would like to do with the letter? Put it in a keepsafe box. Tool: • Set aside some quiet time to write a letter that no one will read. When the time is right. • • • Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. what you wished you could've said. • Write at the top of the page the question you want an answer to. Try not to analyze what you are writing – just let it flow from the heart. bury it or even send it. Write without judgment – just put down whatever comes to your mind – we will analyze it later.

Actions & Solutions Finally add any New Thoughts about the problem to spare spikes Remember … when brainstorming there is no such thing as a bad idea! The example below is for someone who is having problems finding Me-Time for herself ask for help take lunch do nothing organize better hire home help just do it! start work earlier? quit job! work nearer home.with a porcupine for inspiration! Tool: • • • Draw a circle on a blank piece of paper Put a little porcupine face on it! Draw lots of porcupine spikes around the body of the porcupine o o o Write your Problem in the middle of the porcupine Write and label the spikes with possible Responses. 16 . All International Rights Reserved. or from home? talk to Bob about helping out more have a girls nite!!! Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited.Paradigms Ltd The Porcupine Problem Solver! This tool helps you creatively brainstorm your problems .

All International Rights Reserved. but just decisions you make at the time with the knowledge and awareness you had? If there is such a thing as a “wrong” decision. 17 . Is there such a thing as a “wrong” decision? • • • • Are decisions neither “good” nor “bad”. what happens if you make one? Do you learn? Does beating yourself up help in any way? Try saying “next time I will…” rather than “if only I had…” • Is making a decision really such a big deal? Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited.try this Decisions Tool! Tool: • Make a list of decisions you have made and stuck to.Paradigms Ltd Decisions Tool Have trouble making decisions? Do you make a decision … and then change your mind? Are you always “second-guessing” yourself? Do you feel like the stakes are much higher than they actually are? Feel like you are a failure at making decisions . • • • • How did they work out? What happened? Calculate approximately how many decisions you make every day.

a stress inventory is a great way to get an idea of what you have on your “emotional plate.” • • • Feeling a bit flat and run down? Feeling unmotivated? What have you been dealing with on an emotional and mental level over the last 2 years? Draw up a page with 3 columns for the Event. 10 9 7-9 6-9 6 5-8 5-8 5-8 5-7 5-7 5 5 5 4-8 4-8 4-6 4-6 4-6 4 4 2-6 2-3 2 1 1 1 1 1 1 Terminal Illness Death of someone close to you Serious illness / hospitalization Experiencing a natural disaster – earthquake. 18 . the Date it occurred. and its Score Event Record any significant changes in the last 2 years Give every event a score from 1-10. tornado or war...Paradigms Ltd Do A Stress Inventory If you are feeling a bit low but can’t put your finger on why. etc Moving countries / state Divorce Family / relationship conflict or estrangement Financial / business stress Job loss End of relationship Moderate Illness Conflict with friends Moving house Sick / infirm dependants (including parents) Sick child A child born Placing parents / dependants into care Chronic health issues / mild depression A new significant relationship A pet dying A new job / role Last child to leave home Holiday First child to leave home A child starting school A new pet A new car / major possession No exercise Bad diet Date Score /10 . / continued on following page Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved. flood. tsunami.

All International Rights Reserved. Event Date Score /10 What is your score over the last 6 months? 3-5 5+ A score over 3 during this time is considered moderate change and likely to result in moderate stress. children. What is your score over the last 12 months? 5-7 7+ A score over 5 is considered moderate stress A score over 7 or over is considered high stress What is your score over the last 18-24 months? 7-10 10+ A score over 7 is considered moderate stress A score over 10 or over is considered high stress If you are stressed … • • • what can you do to de-stress? who you can get support from? how you can increase your emotional inputs – the things that recharge and renew you? Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited.com with your suggestions! When you have finished add your scores together from your columns. eg.Paradigms Ltd Note that you need to include … • • • positive changes. and please email me at harley@life-coach-tools. eg. etc this list does not cover every situation. parents. so feel free to add to them. a new job or house changes in the lives of those people close to you. A score of 5 or over during this time is considered significant change and likely to result in high stress. 19 .

or living by the expectations of others that we lose touch with ourselves. If this impulse is not realistic. ask yourself: “What would I do if I was 5?” Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. “What am I feeling now?” “I would like … ?” Try to listen to the first thought – which will be from your heart –– not your head which comes in with chatter and rationalizing afterwards. 1. 2. ask yourself two questions. “grown up” situation. All International Rights Reserved. pop out for a coffee. like you're always doing things to please others rather than yourself? Do you have problems making decisions about insignificant matters? Are you unsure about what it is you really want? Do you find yourself doing things you really don’t want to do and continually acting out of obligation? • • • Part of being an adult is learning to put the needs of others. eventually we won't recognize it. Here’s how to recognize your hearts voice: When you're feeling stressed or that you feel you have lost your center. If the message from your heart is possible and practical – then do it. such as our children or employer.just note your hearts message until its convenient to follow through.take a break. call a friend. If we stop listening to our hearts voice.to remember how to listen to our heart and not just our head. Then we wonder why our life is so dry and un-spontaneous! We need to re-open the conversation with our heart . jump up from your desk and shout “Yes!”. 20 . but be careful – this habit is life changing! Why not try following your heart and doing one spontaneous thing every day? And … if you really want to be immature and have fun in a boring.like quitting your job . But we can become so used to doing what we feel we should do.Paradigms Ltd The Heart Language Tool It always surprises me that almost every client relates to this tool in some way! • Do you feel stressed and harassed during the day. ahead of ourselves.

An example would be hearing of the death of someone we loved – say our grandmother. 5. even positive change. 21 . Denial Denial is generally the first stage in the grief process. A part of us cannot accept that the change or loss has actually occurred. The common factor in all these events is change. Change. a health crisis and also over something as seemingly insignificant as missing out on a car park. and any loss requires an adjustment – this adjustment process is felt as grief. we are trying to come to terms with what has happened and may regret what we didn’t or could not do. Common thoughts include "If only … “I wish … "Maybe if ….” Bargaining & Regret In the bargaining stage. The Five Stages are: 1. An awareness of the stages of grief can help us to deal with the feelings that inevitably accompany loss. 2. We may feel numb or experience shock. It should also be borne in mind that we are all different. 4. and ask “Why me?” We feel angry that we have lost “our Gran. All International Rights Reserved. Anger The next stage is us anger. We may regret that we didn’t spend more time with Gran while she was alive. so some people experience the stages in varying orders. We probably feel that the loss is unjustified. times or degrees of intensity. 3. a time and a season” we are better placed to be able to accept and allow the process to work through us. This is our emotions way of dealing with an unexpected and significant change. such as the passing of a loved one. If we are aware that what we are feeling is entirely normal and that there “is a rhyme and a reason.Paradigms Ltd The Five Stages of the Grief Process Grief occurs as the result of the loss of something significant." Denial Anger Bargaining & Regret Sadness Acceptance Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. equates to loss.

Paradigms Ltd Sadness Feelings of sadness actually signal the end of the grieving process. It can also increase our emotional competence because we are better able to identify what we are feeling and why. it means we are beginning to actually feel the loss and come to terms with it. We are starting to incorporate into our life and our thinking. All International Rights Reserved. but our unfelt feelings over our grandmother. and we are actually feeling the grief over something else. Awareness of the stages of grief can help us to give ourselves permission to grieve and heal. but at such times it is good to recall the medical maxim. we will probably experience some degree of transference. the knowledge that our Gran is gone and is not coming back. or if the loss is especially significant. and represents that the healing is complete. where when we grieve over one event. our grandmother may pass and we don’t feel much emotion. We may wish to end this stage and to “move on” as quickly as possible. 22 . Sadness is a very positive emotion. Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. In addition to the above 5 Cycles of Grief there are also the phenomenon of Transference. This is a clue that what we are really dealing with is not our cats passing. We start to feel profound sadness that Gran is gone. Transference If we have not fully felt our loss. Using the example above. “Patients need patience. but when our beloved cat unexpectedly dies we experience profound loss and feelings out of proportion to the event.” Acceptance The final stage in the first cycle of grief is acceptance.

If it is too difficult to sit with it. Still yourself by breathing deeply a few times. You can repeat this exercise as often as you like or when you have time and space. 23 . Over time the feeling and more importantly your fear of the feeling will dissipate. All International Rights Reserved. Also. is rejected as being groundless. Sit with it and continue to breathe slowly and deeply. sometimes after thunder and lightning. When you open up to them. but if you flew up to feel one you would find they are just droplets of mist. • • • • • Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. cloudy day. Conversely. just be with it for as long as you are comfortable and then let it go. • • • • • Sit down somewhere comfortable and quiet. when you sit with them. Feelings are like clouds. Surprisingly sometimes negative feelings have a very protective undertone. Hold the thought that feelings are like clouds. Try entering into a dialogue and talking to your feeling – what is it saying to you? Is this message true? Is it positive? Is it useful? What does feeling safe mean to you? The nature of feelings is that they're dynamic. but they always pass. Invite the uncomfortable feeling to come to you. sometimes a feeling will be a reflection of a limiting belief that when subject to conscious reflection and the light of day. In time you may be able to see how the feeling served you or kept you safe. Consider the message the feeling was giving you. they pass over – sometimes after raining. And even on a dark. it’s just that sometimes we can’t see it. the sky beyond is still blue and the sun is always shining.Paradigms Ltd Feel The Feeling Tool This tool helps you get in touch with uncomfortable feelings and make them safe and manageable. like clouds. feelings come and go. they change. They look solid.

All International Rights Reserved. is defeated and returns home victorious?” Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited.Paradigms Ltd Am I a Failure checklist? This checklist will help you decide if you are a certified failure! It is also an example of the way coaching offers new thoughts and perspectives and is a tool I often use in my coaching as it seems most everyone has a fear of failure! “Success is going from failure to failure without loss in enthusiasm. the outcome was not what you expected) does that mean … • • • • • you have tried and failed at something or does that mean you're a failure as a person? Isn't a failure someone who never tries? Are you a hero rather than a failure? Do you agree with the statement “A hero is someone who rides out to battle. make you a failure as a person? Can you think of anyone who has never failed at anything? Did you try and fail? • If you have tried and failed (ie. 24 .” Sir Winston Churchill Exercise: • • • • • • Do you feel like a failure? Does feeling like a failure mean that you are a failure? Can you learn without failing? Does failing at something you do.

But we are blessed with a mind that can imagine of infinite and myriad possibilities . o o o Now imagine at least twenty possible responses . All International Rights Reserved. Tool: Scenario: Imagine there is a hungry mosquito in the room whilst you are trying to sleep. At these times of stress we can often only see two rather unpleasant options. Even something like "calling up the pest control at midnight to come and deal with it. write down your problem then ask … o o o How else could I think about that? What's another way of looking at this? Who could I ask for a new perspective? Try and come up with twenty new and different ways of looking at your situation. You can use this tool to expand and stretch your habitual mental pattern of only seeing limited options.Paradigms Ltd Infinite solutions tool We often feel stuck between a rock and a real hard place.and here's a tool to get your creativity flowing and demonstrate that. *Did you come up with an option of “just let it bite you!” Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. scroll to the bottom of the page to read a possibility you may have overlooked!* Now you've got your creativity flowing. 25 ." When you've finished.no matter how crazy.

Paradigms Ltd Relationship Tools Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved. 26 .

All International Rights Reserved. how will you know if they have those qualities? Now. you will have a list of the qualities you would like in a future partner. we usually have just a vague idea of what our ideal partner might be. Part I: Questions To Discover Your Future Partners Qualities What qualities do you want your potential partner to demonstrate? Think about your answers to these questions to get some ideas: "How does he make me feel special?" "What does she do when I'm sick in bed?" "How does he show affection?" "How does he treat me in company when we go out?" "How does he make me laugh?" "Her most important quality is …” "The best thing about him is …” For example: Question: "How does he treat me in company when we go out?" Qualities: He is respectful. because then when you meet them .you will be able to recognize them straight away! This tool helps you imagine the qualities of your dream partner.Paradigms Ltd My Dream Partner When we are single. Replace "He" and "She" below as appropriate. When you have finished. attentive and kind. 27 .” Love is not what you get. but what you give. But when you meet someone. write down examples of how they will express those qualities and what actions and behavior will demonstrate those qualities. Harley M Storey This is often the part people overlook. Part III: Your Qualities Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. attentive and kind. Behavior: He is attentive and considerate to me. But it is very useful to put time into defining this person. For example: Question: "How does he treat me in company when we go out?" Qualities: He is respectful. Now write down the qualities you will bring to the relationship. By asking yourself some questions about your dream partner you can create a clear picture of them in their mind. Part II: Identifying Your Partners Qualities In Part I you wrote a list of the qualities of your Future Partner. and kind to the waitress.

Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited.Paradigms Ltd Reflective listening “Your communication is only as good as your understanding of the person you're communicating with. because both sides feel heard and validated. and woman speak many words but don’t always communicate what they really feel. Harville Hendricks has written a great book on this subject called Getting the Love You Want. This tool is designed to enhance and facilitate communication between couples. chances are the girl will be talking and the guy will be listening as on average women speak thousands more words a day than men! However.” Dr Tony Alessandra Verbal communication is inherently inaccurate means for the transfer of information and is a skill we have to learn and develop. Dr. Excellent communication is a very important life skill because by hearing the other person’s point of view and in turn feeling heard yourself. If you see a guy and a girl together. neither gender is particularly good at communicating – often men just don’t speak. reflect back to them what you heard them say ask them if you heard them correctly repeat the process with them listening and reflecting what you say If you are interested in exploring this tool further. Exercise: • • • • • Create some quiet space together with your partner listen to them without interruption or judgment when they have finished. All International Rights Reserved. means that half of the problem is resolved. 28 .

Under the Name column write their name. from the earliest relationship to the latest – from your partner to your child for example. Under Significant Features write your associations about the relationship. 29 . If dealing with Female Relationships start with your most significant early female relationship – usually your Mother and proceed from there – to Grandmothers. eg. Draw up a blank piece of paper with 4 columns: Name Relationship Significant Features Clues / Patterns If you wish to examine potential patterns in Male Relationships. Patricia – Mother.. If a parent or relative use their name and under relationship denote their relationship to you. start with your most significant early male relationship – usually your Father. when and where relationships ended or broke down and to help identify any patterns. Under Relationships column write their relationship to you. or Father figure . All International Rights Reserved. Aunts. etc. o o o Under Clues / Patterns are there any patterns between the relationships – similarities or opposites? Does anything stand out? Are there any significant associations between relationships and people? .Paradigms Ltd Relationship Cycles The exercise is used to identify patterns in relationships and to help determine if any current relationship issues have their origins in earlier relationships. / continued on following page Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. List them in chronological order. Go on feel here and try and work from the heart not the head.and proceed from there. This tool can also be used to see how..

30 . maybe this is why I get so annoyed with her? This Example suggests that this person • • • has chosen a partner that is emotionally unavailable like his Mother has chosen a partner that is the opposite of his Mothers very quiet nature. All International Rights Reserved.Paradigms Ltd Name Patricia Relationship Mother Significant Features Honest Emotionally Unavailable Distant Very Quiet Generous Big Spender Emotionally Unavailable Carefree Untidy Loyal Very Loud Clues / Patterns xx  both Mom & Jenny are emotionally unavailable Jenny Partner xx Jenny if the opposite of Mum here Cathryn Daughter Free Spender Chatty Considerate  Cathryn is a spender like Mum. Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. and that he may be reacting to his daughters free-spending ways as a result of his mothers similar behavior.

the qualities of your early parental figures. d) finally. if you wish to examine Male Partners. label the Dad/Mum column Mum. After you have written the names of your Partners. If you wish to examine the qualities in a Female Partner.. and/or name an early male Father figure. If you wish to examine the qualities in a Male Partner. and start with the Dad/Mum column. from the 1st Significant Partner to the last. add in your Potential New Partner if you are thinking of one. Complete the columns from left to right. You don’t want any more than 7 or 8. Lastly. and/or name an early male Mother figure Under the 1 Significant Partner column write the name of your first significant partner.Paradigms Ltd Score Your Dream Partner! The exercise is used to help gain clarity and insight into previous relationships and also to help determine if any of the qualities you seek in a partner are similar. 31 . It is also great for determining if a potential partner is worth pursuing! Draw up a blank piece of paper with 8 columns: Qualities Dad/Mum 1 Significant Partner st 2nd 3rd 4th New Partner ? Clues / Patterns Leave the Qualities column for now. / continued on following page Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. or opposite to.. but you can repeat the exercise later with as many as you wish. add in the significant personality traits of your Father. st . label the Dad/Mum column Dad. or your Mother if you are looking at Female Relationships. under the Qualities column write down: a) the qualities you would like in a partner b) character traits that appeal to you c) the things you liked about previous partners the sum of these qualities represents your ultimate Dream Partner. All International Rights Reserved.

you may be attracted to angry men or seek the opposite – very patient and easy-going partners. if your Father was angry. 32 . This Example suggests that this person • • • has previously chosen a partner (Bob) that was very like her Father that her last relationship (Peter) was perhaps a poor choice that the potential new guy (Tim) looks like a pretty good candidate at this stage! Dad Jerry Bob Mike Peter x x x x x x x x x x x ½ x Tim (New Guy) x x x x x Clues? kindness is important to me not so important soh is good looks not vital $ is nice! x x 5 x x x opposite x ½ do I like angry men? like Dad? 3 Bob a lot like Dad 5 3½ Peter Lowest 2 Tim Highest Score!  5½ Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. Under Clues / Patterns are there any patterns between the partners? Any positive or negative qualities which surprised you? Look for similarities or opposites as a response to your Parental figure.Paradigms Ltd Now mark your partners off and see how they score. For example. How does your Potential New Partner stack up? Qualities Quiet Kind Polite Funny Handsome Wealthy Dads qualities … Angry Felt Safe Points Comments . All International Rights Reserved.

a visit. etc. or you can continue with the exercise until it is as detailed as the example below. family. eg.Paradigms Ltd Relationship circle This tool helps clarify your relationships with the people in their life. Include Partner. a letter. Father. Close Friends. • • • Draw a large circle Write your name in the middle Around the circle write the names of people you have a significant relationship with. Go around and write one word you associate with each person as things are now Write next to their name and your word association a colour that comes to mind. Anything interesting about who you wrote first or last? Is there anyone significant you have inadvertently missed? In-laws. In-laws!. Ex’s. Children. Grandparents. After you have finished … • • • • • • • • • • Draw a line from you to the person’s name. The longer the line the closer the relationship. Work Colleagues. present or passed. etc. 33 . divorce) When you have finished pick the top two people you would like to move issues ahead with Ask yourself what action you can take. or anyone who comes to mind. A phone call. It can be as simple as just writing the names of those you have a significant relationship with and drawing a line representing the depth of the relationship. eg. All International Rights Reserved. Significant Relatives. Mother. Revisit the exercise whenever you feel the need to! Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. How about adding yourself? Look at the order you wrote the names in. Siblings. ex’s? Add a  for those people who contribute positively to your life or a  for those who are currently take more than they give (this may be for valid reasons. illness.

actress favorite season favorite TV show favorite day of the week their hero favorite time of day favorite activity the quality they admire most in others favorite activity (when clothed!) best memory together who they are closest to in their family their best friend the personal quality they most appreciate in a partner favorite color their worst habit their best habit kindest thing you have done for them your most difficult habit for them to deal with the hardest issue for them to deal with the one word that best describes them if they were a car what car would they be? • what color? what condition? where would you buy it? what they feel are your three best qualities the thing they would most like you to do. All International Rights Reserved.Paradigms Ltd How well do you know your partner Quiz? A tool to get you and your partner talking. smiling and laughing. 34 . what they most want from you the way they would like you to communicate love what is their loving style – do they usually demonstrate their love by: • kind words. or type of music favorite actor. why you think they love you o Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. • quality time . When you have finished. • thoughtfulness when apart. Print two copies of this questionnaire. Take one copy each and separately write down the answers you think your partner would give to the following questions. score each other and laugh! What do you think their … o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o favorite movie is favorite band or singer. • loving actions. • acts of kindness. • touch. swap your lists. • giving gifts. • • • • Get together with your partner.

• Example of what not to say: “You are a boof head and … you make me angry!” Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited.rather than condemning the person. • The Formula is to use these four words in this order … “When you _______________. 35 .” You are reclaiming your power and taking responsibility for your feelings by saying “I feel” rather than “You make me feel…” You are also talking about the behavior – the not showing appreciation . I feel __________________.” • Example of what to say: “When you don’t show me appreciation … I feel hurt. All International Rights Reserved.Paradigms Ltd When you … I feel … This communication tool helps you learn how to communicate your needs positively and constructively without accusing the other person.

” I designed this tool to help a lovely client communicate with her husband. Here’s how to translate all of the above into Martian … are you ready? Just fill in the blanks and don’t be afraid to stand in your own space girl! Here goes … I want __________________________  Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. John Gray who coined the phrase “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. would you like to get your needs met?” (A chorus of shouts and approval ensues!) Tool: The first step is knowing what they are. so ask yourself: 1.” to the question. His communication needs are very clear and easy to understand – if he wants something he asks for it . 36 . Dr. your Martian man can’t hear any of this – it's all too vague to him. All International Rights Reserved. Why can’t we … (& the clincher) … pleeease??? However. your natural inclination will be to speak Venutian and communicate this in phrases like: I wish … We never … (anymore!) I wouldn't mind … sometime …. 2. With acknowledgment to the great author and all round funny guy. “Have you told your partner what you're telling me now?” “Ladies. What do I need … ? I would like … Now that you have identified your needs.without feeling guilty. It is amazing when you are coaching to hear clients reply “No.Paradigms Ltd A quick lesson in speaking Martian! A fun tool to help women speak to the men in their lives.

All International Rights Reserved.Paradigms Ltd Hope you've enjoyed these Life Coach Tools.life-coach-tools. They are from 101 Tools Life Coaches Use® available at www. click here to register for more free tools! Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited.com If you received this from a friend. 37 .

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