CON HEADS "Pilot" by Steve Boudreault

WGA #1239140

FADE IN: INT. MALL FOOD COURT - NIGHT Open on a close-up interview with DAVE, a thirty-something nerd in a Starfleet Academy t-shirt. Regular folks mill around in the food court behind him as he speaks. DAVE So yeah, our plan is to be to Star Trek conventions what Deadheads were to Grateful Dead concerts. Except for all the massive drug use, obviously. (thoughtful pause) But if there are groupies along the way that want to have ridiculous amounts of sex with us, well, that’s fine. That’s fine. Not likely. But fine. CUT TO: INT. MALL FOOD COURT - MOMENTS LATER Dave makes his way over to one of the food court tables, where the rest of his crew is seated. He sits down to join them, and gestures to the overweight gentleman to his left. This is PIGGY. DAVE (nodding) Piggy. Piggy acknowledges the camera for a brief moment, and then nods back at Dave. His intense focus is on a piece of paper on the table, upon which he's scribbling. DAVE (CONT’D) What are you working on? PIGGY I’m mapping out our adventure. DAVE (to camera) There are seven conventions across the country that we’re going to hit. Piggy’s our navigator. Piggy holds the map up to the camera. It's the United States, with red dots on San Francisco, Las Vegas, Cleveland, et cetera, showing the convention locations. The country itself has a cross through the middle of it so it's divided into quarters, and each quarter is shaded a different color.


PIGGY (gesturing to the map) As you can see, I've divided the country into the Alpha Quadrant, the Beta Quadrant, the Delta Quadrant, and the Gamma Quadrant. Dave glances quickly at the camera. His expression says that Piggy's gone, oddly enough, a little too nerdy for his taste. DAVE Nice, Piggy. Very ... very nice. Piggy re-examines the map. There are a few moments of awkward silence. PIGGY 'Course, I didn't really need to. We never actually go beyond Beta Quadrant. Suddenly an excited, bubbly voice chimes in from Piggy's left. It belongs to VERONICA. VERONICA Oh no! I was hoping we'd get to explore the Gamma Quadrant. We move over slightly to show a beautiful girl sitting next to Piggy. She smiles vacuously and stares at the camera. After a few awkward beats, we come back to Dave and Piggy. Dave is mystified. DAVE (to Piggy) Who is this? PIGGY That’s Veronica. DAVE Veronica? Who the hell is Veronica? What happened to Bean? PIGGY The production company felt that Veronica was more telegenic than Bean. Piggy nods over Dave's shoulder. Standing a distance away with his arms folded, wearing a bitter scowl, is a very skinny nerd. This must be BEAN. DAVE Hey Bean!


Bean stares for a moment, then turns furiously on his heel and runs away. Back at the table, it's an awful moment. Dave is clearly pissed. He and Piggy exchange glances while Veronica keeps smiling and staring at the camera. DAVE (CONT’D) So why the Gamma Quadrant? Veronica? Veronica reluctantly turns away from the camera. VERONICA What? DAVE You said you had hoped we'd get to explore the Gamma Quadrant. Why, exactly? Veronica is frozen. She has no idea what the Gamma Quadrant is. VERONICA Because. Because there are so many cool things there. DAVE Like what? Why don't you go ahead and give me your top five coolest things in the Gamma Quadrant. Veronica suddenly smiles. Inspiration. VERONICA Well ... Darth Vader, for one. To Veronica's left is ZOOEY, a thin Asian nerd and fourth member of the quartet, who up to this moment had been silent. ZOOEY Hear that, guys? Darth Vader’s in the Gamma Quadrant. Dave, Piggy, and Zooey all exchange glances. ZOOEY (CONT’D) She’s gonna get us all killed. CUT TO: EXT. DESERT ROAD - THE NEXT DAY We follow a van as it makes its way from the Nevada desert into Las Vegas in the wee small hours of the morning.


The van itself is a throwback to the '70s, with a large mural of the Milky Way galaxy on the side, plus bumper stickers like MY OTHER CAR IS THE ENTERPRISE and PICARD > KIRK. CUT TO: INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS The boys are singing Klingon opera at the top of their voices. It sounds like large animals being tortured and then slaughtered. Veronica is maintaining a polite smile through all of it, but it's clear that she's not only mortified, but that she's got a colossal headache that's only going to get worse. VERONICA (interrupting) Guys? Guys! What is that? They stop singing and look at her. ZOOEY It’s a Klingon opera. It’s called “u.” VERONICA “U”? PIGGY Good pronunciation. For a human. VERONICA Do you ... maybe want to sing something we all know? Dave says something in Klingon. A subtitle reads: WHO BROUGHT THE COOL KID? Piggy and Zooey both laugh heartily, and they return to the opera where they left off. CUT TO: EXT. LAS VEGAS HILTON PARKING LOT - LATER Dave, Zooey, Veronica, and Piggy get out of the van and stretch, staring at the massive hotel in front of them. Veronica, in particular, looks happy that they've finally arrived. Dave turns to the camera. DAVE So what we've done is arranged to be volunteers for the convention.


PIGGY The down side is that we're going to actually have to work and not attend the convention like we normally would. DAVE But the up side is that we should have access to some pretty big celebrities. And with a little luck ... He nods excitedly to Zooey and Piggy, who nod excitedly back. DAVE, PIGGY, AND ZOOEY (together) Seven of Nine. Veronica nudges her way into the conversation, still oblivious. VERONICA Seventy-nine. The guys stifle giggles behind their hands as they head off toward the hotel. Veronica follows a few paces behind. CUT TO: INT. LAS VEGAS HILTON MAIN ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER The gang of four comes through the revolving door into the lobby of the hotel. There are signs pointing the way to the convention hall, and for the boys, seeing the signage is clearly a religious experience - they're pilgrims and have found the way to Mecca. Veronica follows like a tagalong kid sister. CUT TO: INT. LAS VEGAS HILTON BALLROOM - LATER The guys and Veronica have joined a large crowd of other volunteers in one of the hotel's ballrooms, and are now wearing their official lanyards, of which the boys, at least, are clearly proud. The group is gathered in a semicircle around ELLIE, an older woman with a clipboard and a booming voice. ELLIE If I could have everyone's attention on me! Thank you. I have your assignments for the day right here. (MORE)

6. ELLIE (CONT'D) Everything should be very clear and straightforward, but if you have any questions, please feel free to ask myself or one of the other senior volunteers.

She refers to her clipboard. ELLIE (CONT’D) Now before I hand these out, we have a couple of priority assignments. Pigzinsky! Piggy looks around, shocked to hear his name singled out. He moves to the front of the crowd. PIGGY Here! ELLIE Oh good, you're here. As a newbie, you've pulled Gary Lockwood duty. Piggy looks around at the other volunteers to get an idea of what this might mean, but they’re all examining their shoelaces. PIGGY What’s Gary Lockwood duty? ELLIE You know Gary Lockwood, yes? PIGGY Sure, he played Gary Mitchell on the original Star Trek. He's gotta be in his 70s by now. ELLIE He’s seventy-five and his brain has gone where no man has gone before, if you take my meaning. He shows up every year, sets up a table in the dealer's room, and then talks anyone who comes close to him to tears. PIGGY Talks to them about what? ELLIE Anything and everything. Socialism, his colonoscopy, lemon curry, whatever. Everything but Star Trek. He can ruin your whole day if he gets his claws into you.


PIGGY So what do I do? ELLIE Just stick this on the front of his table. She hands him a bright pink sign that reads "PLEASE DON'T ENGAGE MR. LOCKWOOD IN CONVERSATION." ELLIE (CONT’D) Make sure he doesn't see you do it. And for God's sake, whatever you do, don't talk to him. Piggy nods, determined to execute his sworn duty. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL SIDE ENTRANCE - LATER Veronica stands at the near end of a long hallway, holding her assignment sheet and an 8x10 head shot. She's looking around nervously. She acknowledges the camera. VERONICA I'm waiting for someone named Jonathan Frakes. I'm supposed to escort him to his autograph table in the dealer's room. She smiles and holds up the 8x10. It's a promo picture of a handsome, smiling young Jonathan Frakes (in his Commander Riker uniform) from 1989 or so. VERONICA (CONT’D) This is him. She looks at the picture again with a big grin and squeals a little. As she stares at it, the door at the far end of the hallway opens and present-day JONATHAN FRAKES enters. He's ... not quite the same guy as in the picture. His hair and beard are gray and he wears reading glasses balanced on the tip of his nose. He spots Veronica mooning over the picture and approaches her with a smile. JONATHAN Are you here for Jonathan Frakes? VERONICA Yes. Oh, are you his dad? His smile fades. Fast.


JONATHAN I VERONICA That is so sweet of you to come out and see him! Oh my gosh! Well, come with me, I'll make sure you get a good seat for his on-stage. JONATHAN But VERONICA Do you need to stop at the little boys' room first? My great-grandfather practically lived in the bathroom, and that man could, pardon my French, piss a rope. She ushers him off before he has a chance to protest any further. CUT TO: INT. VENDORS ROOM - LATER Several C-list sci-fi celebrities are arriving and being shown to their tables. The ones who are already there are setting up their spaces with photos, banners, easels, and assorted items. Mixed in are merchants setting up their own tables with videos, clothing, et cetera. In the middle of the room, attempting to look like he's trying to look like he's acting casual, is Piggy. And just out of range, there's GARY LOCKWOOD, setting up his table and already looking around for someone to strike up a conversation with. Piggy looks stricken as he tries to figure out how to do this. Suddenly there's a commotion behind him. It's another VOLUNTEER escorting a VENDOR to his table. The vendor has just spotted where they've set him up. VENDOR (furious) Oh no! Oh no! You are not putting me next to that fucking asshole again! No way! VOLUNTEER Sir, if you could please keep your voice down? The booth chart is set up months in advance. That's the only spot we have available.


VENDOR I was stuck next to that fucking asshole two years ago and I didn't make a single sale! Not one goddamn thing! VOLUNTEER Sir, I asked you to keep your voice down. Gary Lockwood has stopped sorting things on his table and is watching the exchange. It's clear from the sudden change in his expression that he realizes he's the asshole in question. GARY Hey! Is there a problem? VENDOR Oh yeah, Lockwood! I got a problem! I got a big fucking problem! You, you're the problem! Gary Lockwood makes his way over to the vendor and volunteer, shouting and ready for a fight. In the confusion, Piggy, with a gleeful expression, runs by Lockwood's table and sticks the sign on the front. He gives a big, exaggerated thumbs-up to the camera and runs off, leaving the volunteer to try and keep peace between the two shouting men in the background. CUT TO: INT. SMALL BALLROOM - LATER The camera is close up on an 8x10 of an extremely hot blonde, a woman named LOIS JEWELL, who was a guest star on the original Star Trek. We hear Zooey's voice off screen, in a very high falsetto, and he moves the picture slightly as he speaks. ZOOEY (O.S.) Hey, check me out. I'm Lois Jewell. I played Drusilla in the Star Trek episode "Bread and Circuses." This is me in 1968. Zooey drops the photo from in front of the camera. Revealed across the ballroom, sitting quietly at an autograph table doing her knitting, is the modern-day Lois Jewell. Zooey's voice is suddenly deep and gravelly. ZOOEY (O.S.) (CONT’D) And this is me today. Oh God, the ravages of time! What's happened to me? Men used to bow down at my feet! (MORE)

10. ZOOEY (O.S.) (CONT’D) I had a line of boys out the door who wanted to bang me. And you know why?

Zooey brings the picture back up and blocks out modern Lois. Back to the falsetto. ZOOEY (O.S.) (CONT’D) Because I looked like this. Look at that body. Look at that face. It's no wonder Kirk couldn't resist me. He lowers the picture. Deep voice again. ZOOEY (O.S.) (CONT’D) I bet he could resist me now. Why oh why did I smoke five packs a day for forty years? Why did I drink so many highballs? Why didn't I moisturize? Lois is on the other side of the room, but it appears she's noticed Zooey. Zooey brings the picture back up. High voice. ZOOEY (O.S.) (CONT’D) Aw, yeah. You know you want me. You know you want to motorboat this fine rack. You want to ride me like the wild, unbroken stallion that I am. You want a piece of this smokin' hot meat. But unfortunately ... Zooey lowers the picture again ... and Lois Jewell is no longer across the room but standing right there next to him, scowling, arms folded. Zooey is immediately abashed. Lois stares at him for a few moments, letting him dangle. LOIS Oh please, don't let me interrupt. I believe you were talking about motorboating my rack. Zooey clears his throat and stares at his shoes like he's never seen them before. ZOOEY I was ... I was just ... LOIS Say that again? I'm sorry? My hearing isn't as sharp as it was in 1968. Zooey is squirming in his own skin.


ZOOEY (softly) My apologies, Miss Jewell. I’m sorry. LOIS Yeah, I doubt that. But you ever disrespect me again, I'll see to it that you're sorry. Lois closes up her left fist and thumps Zooey hard in the balls. Zooey pitches forward and crumples down to the floor in pain as Lois casually strolls away. CUT TO: INT. VENDORS ROOM - LATER Dave is walking past the various dealers' tables, getting the lay of the land. There's a guy selling what looks like every Star Trek book ever written. Next to him there's a gal selling wigs, pointed ears, makeup, and so forth. Next to her is LYCIA NAFF, who played the minor character Ensign Gomez on Star Trek: The Next Generation. And next to her is ... TRACEY GOLD? Yes, it's her all right. Tracey Gold from the '80s sitcom Growing Pains, Tracey Gold who has no connection to Star Trek or sci-fi whatsoever. She's got a table set up with plenty of 8x10s and a pen at the ready. Dave stares for a few moments, trying to wrap his head around this, and then approaches her table. He doesn't have to elbow his way through, since the throngs of people in the room are looking right past Tracey's table as they make their way along. Dave extends his hand. DAVE Hi. She shakes it. TRACEY Hello there. DAVE I’m Dave, one of the volunteers here. TRACEY Oh, nice to meet you, Dave. DAVE Thanks. Um ...


He ponders for a few moments how to say it. DAVE (CONT’D) Can I ask ... what you’re doing here? TRACEY I’m signing autographs for my fans. See? She holds up a pre-autographed 8x10 of herself for Dave to examine. DAVE Right, yes, I get that. But what are you doing here? TRACEY I’m not sure I understand. DAVE Well, this is a Star Trek convention. TRACEY Uh-huh. DAVE You weren’t in any of the Star Trek series. Were you? TRACEY No. DAVE You weren’t in any of the Star Trek movies. TRACEY No. DAVE You’re not known for science fiction or fantasy. TRACEY No. DAVE So ... what are you doing here? She thinks for a minute, then holds up the same 8x10 of herself.


TRACEY I’m signing autographs for my fans. See? Dave nods and shrugs. DAVE Okay then. Well. Good luck with that. CUT TO: INT. CONVENTION FOYER - LATER Hundreds of fans are milling about in the foyer outside the main auditorium. In the midst of them, looking frantic, is Veronica. She's looking everywhere for something, and appears to be on the verge of a panic attack. Suddenly she spots Dave coming out of the vendors room and makes a mad dash over to him. VERONICA Dave! Oh, Dave, thank God! I need your help. DAVE With what? VERONICA I’m supposed to escort this guy but I don’t know how to pronounce his name. She shows Dave her call sheet, and her finger is just below the name MARC ALAIMO. DAVE It's pronounced a-lame-o. VERONICA No it’s not. DAVE It is! A-lame-o. VERONICA It can’t be! DAVE It can and it is. VERONICA You're just trying to make me look like an ass.


DAVE Oh, you don't need my help with that. VERONICA Dave, come on! I have to go get him! How do you pronounce it, really? DAVE I'm telling you, it's Marc A-lame-o. VERONICA Fine, forget it. Veronica storms off. CUT TO: INT. MAIN AUDITORIUM - LATER Jonathan Frakes is on stage, pacing back and forth like a caged tiger. JONATHAN (to crowd) I don’t look that much older, do I? The crowd, of course, shouts things like "No!" and "Of course not!" Frakes taps the underside of his chin with two fingers to check the firmness. JONATHAN (CONT’D) I’m still in pretty good shape, am I right? Now there are shouts of "Woo!" and "Yeah, baby!" mostly from the female contingent. JONATHAN (CONT’D) (sotto) Goddamn right. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL SIDE ENTRANCE - LATER There's a large crowd gathered by the side entrance, so large that there are velvet ropes on either side of the door. Standing just inside the door, positively beaming, is Piggy. He spots the camera, and with an enormous grin mouths the word "Nimoy." He's like a kid at Christmas. The door opens and LEONARD NIMOY himself steps in. The crowd comes to life, applauding, giving the Vulcan salute, and of course, snapping cell phone pictures.


Piggy approaches reverentially. PIGGY Mister Nimoy? LEONARD Yes. PIGGY Right this way, sir. LEONARD Thank you. Piggy walks just ahead of Leonard, and from his expression you'd think he was leading the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Instead of focusing on being an escort, he's nodding to all the fans who are gathering around. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Piggy's exuberance gets the best of him and he starts dancing in a crazed, manic way. As he does, he starts singing MC Hammer's song "Pray," but with different lyrics. PIGGY (singing) Yeah I got Spock! Yeah I got Spock! He's making a huge spectacle of himself, but he keeps dancing and singing, dancing and singing, not caring at all that the crowd has gone completely silent and is staring at him in stunned incredulity. It looks as though Piggy could keep dancing forever, but on one of his spins, he notices that Leonard has stopped and is watching him with the same disbelief as the rest of the crowd. This brings Piggy to his senses - he's dancing and singing like a madman in front of his hero - so he slows down and then stops altogether. He's standing in a sea of silent, staring faces, preeminent among them Leonard, who is looking at him like he's some type of bug. The silence spins out for an eternity. Then, suddenly: LEONARD (singing) Yeah he got Spock! Yeah he got Spock! Leonard starts doing a spot-on imitation of the dance and the song, and Piggy, thrilled beyond belief, continues right where he left off, and the two of them dance their way along, with the crowd cheering. CUT TO:


INT. HOTEL MAIN ENTRANCE - LATER Veronica is standing just inside the doors, wringing her hands. A limo pulls up outside, and MARC ALAIMO and a lovely female companion get out. They come through the front doors, and Veronica approaches. VERONICA Hi, Mister ... ? She trails off, hoping he'll finish her sentence. He raises his eyebrows, waiting. No luck. VERONICA (CONT’D) Alamo? MARC I beg your pardon? VERONICA Mister ... A-lime-o? MARC It’s A-lame-o. Veronica is caught off guard and snorts loudly. VERONICA Is it really? Mister Alaimo is not amused. MARC It is. Veronica bursts out laughing. VERONICA Oh my God! Dave wasn't trying to dick me over after all. Mister Alaimo is still not amused, but Veronica giggles, oblivious. She takes Marc's arm and starts steering him toward the convention. VERONICA (CONT’D) Come on, this way. And are you Mrs. Alame-o? CUT TO:


INT. VENDORS ROOM - LATER Gary Lockwood is sitting at his table, trying desperately to make eye contact with anyone passing by. The sign is still on the front of his display, though it's hanging by one corner. CUT TO: INT. MAIN AUDITORIUM - LATER Dave and Piggy are sitting on the side of the auditorium, near the front. On stage is JEFFREY COMBS, who is discussing his time on Star Trek, but in a very subdued and halting manner. Dave and Piggy look like they've been listening for a long time, and are colossally bored. JEFFREY (droning) So I’m always trying to ... perfect my craft ... Piggy turns to Dave with a grin and whispers. PIGGY ... in bed. Dave and Piggy giggle silently. JEFFREY (droning) I have worked ... with a number of very talented actors ... Dave’s turn. DAVE ... in bed. Their giggling is getting louder. Jeffrey looks over at them, pauses for a moment, and then continues speaking. JEFFREY (droning) But some ... of my most pleasurable experiences ... I've had all by myself ... This time all it takes is a single glance between Dave and Piggy and they burst out laughing. CUT TO:


EXT. FRONT OF HOTEL - LATER Zooey is standing outside the hotel, leaning on the side of the building, smoking a cigarette. He's reading over his agenda for the rest of the day. As he reads, Lois Jewell walks out the front door. Zooey doesn't notice until she approaches him. LOIS Can I bum a smoke? Zooey looks up and is startled to see who it is. He digs into his pocket right away, eager to make up for the incident earlier. ZOOEY Oh! Yeah! Sure! Here you go. He hands her the cigarette and lights it for her. LOIS Thanks, kid. ZOOEY No problem. It's clear from his body language that Zooey expected that to be the end of it, but Lois stands right where she is, inhaling deeply. Zooey, of course, has nothing to say, so he stands there, nodding awkwardly. LOIS So. You staying at the hotel? Zooey’s eyebrows go up. CUT TO: INT. CONVENTION FOYER - LATER A group of green women dressed in little more than handkerchiefs run screaming through the lobby. Giving chase and hot on their heels are a group of shouting, laughing Klingons in full battle armor. This being the convention, it doesn't even raise an eyebrow. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - LATER Dave is standing outside one of the function rooms at the head of a long, snaking photo op line of fans sectioned off in a velvet rope.


They're waiting for the doors to open and have their pictures taken with GARRETT WANG, who played Harry Kim on Star Trek: Voyager. DAVE (to camera) Garrett Wang, for those who don't know, is a legendary prankster, so we're going to pull a gag on him. It's going to be great. He raises his voice and turns to the crowd. DAVE (CONT’D) Everybody? Can I have your attention please? We're going to pull a prank on Garrett. Is everyone with me? The line shouts its collective approval. DAVE (CONT’D) Excellent. So what we're going to do is push the line back so that you're all around that corner and out of sight. When he comes looking, it's going to seem like no one showed up for his photo op. A few scattered laughs from the line. DAVE (CONT’D) Then when he's good and annoyed, we'll maneuver him around the corner, and you can all give him a big "Surprise!" Everyone got it? Nods all around. DAVE (CONT’D) All right, everyone back up. Back up, back up. The line slowly backs up and out of sight. It really does look like no one showed up. Dave goes to where the head of the line just was and waits by the door of the photo room. A few seconds later, the door opens and an older man in a headset pops his head out and nods to Dave. Dave nods back. CUT TO: INT. PHOTO ROOM - CONTINUOUS GARRETT WANG stands on the far side of the room in front of the photo backdrop.


There are a few assistants and the photographer milling around, and Garrett chats with various people as he performs some last-minute primps. Dave stands just inside the open doors with his arms folded. The older man in the headset gives him a "let's go" gesture. Dave leans out of the room, looks around, leans back in, and shrugs. GARRETT What’s the holdup? DAVE There’s no one here. GARRETT What are you talking about? DAVE I dunno. There’s no one here. Garrett laughs and starts making his way across the room. GARRETT Did they change the time or something? DAVE Not that I know of. Garrett walks out the door, followed by Dave. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Garrett looks around, dumbfounded. GARRETT There were more than two hundred people signed up for this. DAVE I don’t know what to tell you. GARRETT I don’t believe this. Dave gestures to the corner where the fans are hiding. DAVE Well why don’t we And Garrett explodes.


GARRETT What the FUCK?! Dave freezes, wide-eyed. Garrett turns on him. GARRETT (CONT’D) Do you know how much motherfucking money this is going to cost me? Do you have any idea? DAVE I GARRETT No, don’t even! Those cheap bastards who run this convention don't pay my way out here! I have to buy my own motherfucking ticket and pay for my own motherfucking hotel room! Now casual passers-by are frozen and staring. DAVE I’m sure GARRETT Fuck this shit! Fuck it! Garrett storms off, perhaps not so conveniently now, in the direction where the fans are hiding. Dave is hot on his heels. DAVE Mr. Wang, if you’ll just GARRETT No, fuck you! Fuck this place! Fuck this convention! Fuck Star Trek! Garrett and Dave round the corner. GARRETT (CONT’D) And fuck the fans! He freezes as he sees the huge line of fans all holding their Garrett Wang merchandise. They're all wide-eyed and speechless. The uncomfortable moment spins out as Garrett stares at the fans and they stare at him. Finally, a sweet little 10-year-old girl near the front of the line speaks. GIRL (softly) Surprise. CUT TO:


INT. CONVENTION FOYER - LATER Veronica, Dave, Piggy, and Zooey are talking animatedly about their days thus far. The boys are in heaven, and it's clear Veronica is having a ball. CUT TO: INT. VENDORS ROOM - LATER Gary Lockwood is holding court, surrounded by half a dozen bored but polite guests. The sign warning people off is facedown on the floor in front of his table. GARY So my cousin Adrian has T-Mobile. And when I asked her how much she pays per month, she told me it was $49 on her old plan, but when she re-upped her contract it dropped to $39. And I'm asking myself, "Why do I stay with AT&T, paying $85 a month, when I could save so much more with T-Mobile?" An older gentleman raises his hand. OLDER GENTLEMAN What’s William Shatner like? GARY Oh, he’s great. Now Shatner, he has Verizon, but he’s on the friends and family plan ... Ellie, the volunteer coordinator, cuts across the room. ELLIE Pigzinsky! CUT TO: INT. FUNCTION HALL - LATER There's a big Star Trek party going on. Hundreds of fans mingling with celebrities large and small, and the volunteers circulating to make sure everything goes smoothly. The music is pumping and there's a sumptuous buffet. Dave is standing with a beautiful woman dressed as Deanna Troi from Star Trek: The Next Generation, chatting her up as he snacks on a plate of cheese and fruit. Ellie approaches them. Dave nods to Ellie and Troi begs off politely. ELLIE I didn’t know you swung that way.


DAVE Which way is that? Ellie nods toward the departing Troi. ELLIE If you were working on that, you'd better be a tranny-banger. Dave freezes in mid-chew. ELLIE (CONT’D) Yeah. That's Eric. He's here every year. And considering how tight that cat suit is, he does a pretty impressive tuck-job. Dave spits the food onto his plate and throws it in the trash. He looks like he may never eat again. ELLIE (CONT’D) And it looks like you'd better tip off Pigzinsky. Dave looks over to the other side of the room and sees Piggy sidle up to the "boy Troi" and strike up a conversation. Dave makes a mad dash over to Piggy, pulls him by the elbow, and whispers frantically in his ear. Having passed on the information, Dave nods and moves off. Piggy assesses boy Troi, shrugs, and continues the conversation. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - LATER Piggy leaves the party with a big smile and is heading off to his next assignment when a voice from behind him stops him in his tracks. Oh no - it's Gary Lockwood. GARY Hey! Piggy turns around sheepishly. Gary is holding the PLEASE DON'T ENGAGE MR. LOCKWOOD IN CONVERSATION SIGN in front of him. Piggy swallows hard as Gary approaches. GARY (CONT’D) Is this you? Piggy squirms but says nothing. GARY (CONT’D) Are you responsible for this? Yes or no?


PIGGY Well. Yes. Gary looks down at the sign and then back at Piggy. Gary lunges forward and Piggy braces himself for a beatdown, but Gary throws his arms around him, laughing. GARY Hah! I love it! That's hilarious! PIGGY It is? Gary lets go but holds on to Piggy's shoulders. Piggy's body language shows he's still waiting for a fist to the face. GARY Yes! God love ya. That's the kind of stunt Lucille Ball would have pulled in her prime. Did you know I introduced Lucy to Gary Morton? PIGGY I don’t GARY Oh, that's a tremendous story. Walk with me, kid. Gary throws his arm around Piggy's shoulders and starts walking down the hallway with him. GARY (CONT’D) What’s your name, slugger? PIGGY Piggy. GARY Ricky, that's great. You ever been to Hollywood? PIGGY Well one time GARY Back in the '50s, anyone who wanted to be anyone moved out to Hollywood. And that included a beautiful young redheaded ingénue named Lucille Desiree Ball ...


They walk off, Gary spinning his yarn and Piggy not quite sure what to think. CUT TO: INT. CONVENTION FOYER - NIGHT Piggy, Veronica, and Dave stand in a row near the registration table in the foyer. A few people in costume are still milling around in the background, but it's clear the convention has wrapped up. DAVE So that’s it for the Las Vegas convention. Tremendous time, everyone was really great. VERONICA Yup. PIGGY Excellent time. Gary Lockwood walks up and throws his arm around Piggy's shoulders. GARY And we all made new friends! Gary walks off without another word. After an awkward beat, Dave continues. DAVE So now we’ll pack up our gear and head off to the Biloxi convention. Dave grins. He can’t help himself. DAVE (CONT’D) And if we're feeling it, maybe we'll take a side trip to the Gamma Quadrant and meet up with Darth Vader. Veronica grins as well. She doesn’t miss a beat. VERONICA Darth Vader is Star Wars, Dave. This is Star Trek. She flicks him playfully on the side of the head. VERONICA (CONT’D) You're gonna get us all killed.


Smiles all around. Veronica is now part of the gang. Dave glances over his shoulder and spots something that grabs his attention. Piggy and Veronica look over as well. Lois Jewell and Zooey are standing over by the elevators, kissing passionately. The bell dings as the elevator arrives, and as they peel themselves off each other, Zooey notices the rest of the gang looking over. He flashes a big smile and the Vulcan salute, and boards the elevator with Lois. Dave and Veronica look a bit queasy, but Piggy nods and smiles to himself. PIGGY Nice. FADE OUT.