All-Jesus LARP Setting: The Pope has just announced that its traditional Jesus (hereafter known

as "European Jesus") is too bland for the new, diverse, multicutural face of Christianity Today. Therefore, an open call has been held over the last week at the Vatican to search for a better, more relatable Jesus to be the face of the Church. Today is the last day of the proceedings, and the Head of the Inquisition and Head of the Vatican's Diversity in Christian Knowledge Symposium will be presiding over the final vote. Characters: 1. Shannon J. Godfrey, Head of Diversity in Christian Knowledge Symposium When his Holyness, the Pope, asked you six months ago to convene the Diversity in Christian Knowledge Symposium, you were ecstatic. You've been trying to push the church into a more open and welcoming position for years—ever since you were passed over for a promotion because your name sounds like a girl's name. At the time your boss tried to say that it was because you were just too nice, but you knew the truth. Ever since you have dedicated yourself to making the Church welcoming to people no mater what their gender, color or type of name. This is your chance. Aginst the recommendation of your best friend and right hand man, Settimio Padovano, you gave the Pope your research on the lack of support for the Trditional Jesus, and his Holyness gave you permission to find a new one. It's been a week since the start of the Jesus Open Call, and you need to come up with a proper Jesus to present to the Pope. To decide, you're going to have all the Jesuses vote on who will be the final one. After all, who knows better who would make a good Jesus than Jesus himself? 2. Settimio Padovano, Head of the Inquisition When his Holyness, the Pope, asked you six months ago to join the Diversity in Christian Knowledge Symposium and keep an eye on Shannon J. Godfrey, you were annoyed. After everything the Inquisition has done for the Church, your role has been reduced to spying on hippies with stupid names. You've done your best to keep the Symposium from making any headway, but somehow that idiot managed to slip his Holyness a doctored report on the lack of support for the Taditional Jesus. What ridiculousness, he's traditional because he's popular. But the Pope has ordered this sham of an open call to find a "new Jesus". Today is the last day, and the Pope told you yesterday that if no Jesus is found by the end of the vote, you can torture everyone who participated for being clear heathens. On the other hand if a Jesus is found, it will be your job to crucify him. You're not sure which option will be better. 3. Jėsus You are the lead janitor for the Vatican. There has been a week-long conference, and you

and they both divorced you. Maybe if you spout a few platitudes and parable. really. you refuse to step down. You've never really thought about becoming the savior of mankind. but you have taken to calling yourself The Womyn's Jesus since heard that the Pope was in the market for a new Jesus. right? The church has forced White male ablist supremacy on the world for too long. It would have been better if you were from a Third World country. you revealed yourself to your followers as the messiah. really. You've had a bit of an issue with humanity since getting crucified. not GEE-zus. It hurts like a bitch. someone asked you what your name was. Greece and Egypt. If anyone disputes this fact. and like Hell are you going to step down for some false Messiah.were asked to work overtime today to clean up. female. You just wish they'd pronounce your name right. you were imprisoned by the Sultan of the Ottoman Empire and forced into converting to Islam. and that you should step down. so you might as well stick around for a bit. You're pretty cool with either. Now is the time to rise up! Now is the time for a Womyn's Jesus! (Anything anyone says to you is automatically insulting your race. You have been a good enough Jesus for over a millenia. 5. You then spent the next twenty years wandering through Turkey. However. Well. proclaiming your Messiahship and gathering followers. Or a symbol of Oppression. but never had sex with your wives. when you got to work. Shabbetai Zvi You are Shabbetai Zvi. The Womyn's Jesus Your real name is actually Shirley Jones. European Jesus (demoted from Traditional Jesus) Since the ascendency of Europe as the major world power. Just because you converted to Islam doesn't make you any less the Chosen One. Now you are back to gather your followers once more. a Rabbi from Smyrna. you have numerological charts to back up your claims. 4. You are a black. gender and/or physical ability) 6. Finally. but the Irish guy seems to like you. and somehow you ended up roped into participating. In 1648. It's HAY-sus. Now this interloper has come up with a report that supposedly proves that you are not popular as Jesus anymore. you can get them all to shut up and go away so you can go back to being a symbol of Peace. . Maybe you can convince one of the other saviors to help you clean up afterward. you have been THE Jesus. disabled lesbian from south Boston. You married twice. and were promptly excommunicated from the Jewish faith. at the age of 22. but south Boston's sort of like that. Turkey. You hear being a savior doesn't pay well.

You can totally swing this gig. who are mostly centered around the parodic "Catholicism Wow!" campaign. you descended to Hell. it's ridiculous that anyone besides a Jewish-born male from the Middle East could ever be the messiah. You were here in Rome for a concert when you heard about the open Jesus call. Baha'is and by millions of people across the world. if they're looking for a more diverse. "Holy Wood (In the Shadow of the Valley of Death)". You are everyone's best buddy. and you are the Anti-Christ Superstar. Drink Me".Besides. Not only are you worshipped by Jains. Buddhists. and were ressurected. try to eat them. Raptor Jesus RAWWWWWWRRRRRR!!! (Translation: You are Raptor Jesus. You can perform miracles. multicultural savior. This means you are the real Jesus. You have thousands of American teens obeying your every whim and you've already proved your Messiah status with albums like "Anti-Christ Superstar". you've steadily gained some followers. but there are plenty of parallels between your life and that of the Christian Christ. causing kids to shoot up their schools and declaring yourself the Anti-Christ. The Vatican needs better music anyway. Your real name is Brian Hugh Warner.) . so you can definitely do this. in a pefectly normal family. Krishna You aren't exactly Jesus. but you're even blue! How much more multicultural can one god get? Not only that. 7. If anyone disagrees. OH to perfectly normal parents. 10.) 9. then you might have a chance to go world-wide. Marilyn Manson You are rock/metal musician Marilyn Manson. Popularized by the 1999 film Dogma. Buddy Christ You are the friendly face of religious iconography. and "Eat Me. If you can convince everyone here that you are actually the best Jesus for the job. 8. (And you hear Jesus got that totally bitching hot Mary Magdalene— you're always up for finding yourself another "milkmaid" or two to have a good time with. You rebeled against this ordinary existance by starting a glam rock band. but hey. you're the best messiah for the job. and you were born in Canton. But now you think you have a chance to hit the big time.

and they all wrote down everything you said. They didn't seem to notice when you nibbled on Mary Magadelen. but then Mary Magdalene was smoking hot. A good Jesus should be able to turn water into wine. That's a ridicuously pansy idea. and make vampires melt with the power of their Kung-fu. Vampire Jesus Eat of my flesh. Jesus Christ. walk on water. drink of my blood. When you heard that the Pope was actually knocking that overblown European asshole off his pedestal you saw your chance to finally regain all the recognition you lost when he showed up. Vampire Hunter You were hanging out in Ottowa. dealing with a nest of crazed lesbian vampires when you got an invitation to take part in this process to find some "new Jesus" or some shit like that. 11. so they probably thought you were doing something other than getting yourself a snack. . No one ever seemed to notice or be bothered by the fact that you only ever came out at night. Any Jesus who can't do that much isn't worth their salt. and you were transformed into a vampire somewhere on the road. Challenge all of the other Jesuses to a fist fight. But what you wouldn't give for a good fight with a vampire right now. This place is boring. You should give him your condolences. though. 12. There's an idea. They're only a proper Jesus if they can fight you to a standstill. You just hope that you don't get too hungry during the proceedings.It's a bummer for the European guy who usually has the job. You are Jesus of Nazareth.

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