ACT I Scene One (Stereotypical "private-eye" office.

Large, old-fashioned desk, leather armchairs, old pictures. Ideally, this scene should be filmed in black and white. TERRENCE sits behind desk, relaxing in the most comfortable leather armchair and smoking cigars. TERRENCE narrates.) TERRENCE I was sitting in my office, smoking the finest cigars, finer than the finest you've ever smoked, will smoke, or could imagine smoking. That's how fine it was; it was absolutely -(looks in thesaurus) TERRENCE -- salubrious. But that wasn't all -- in my hand I had a glass of liquor, and it was damn good liquor. It was so good that when I compared its goodness to the goodness of other liquors I had tried, I realized that if Albert Einstein had tasted this liquor, the atomic bomb would never have been invented. I was so drunk I was talking to the camera; I wasn't too sure why, but it felt like the right thing to do. Suddenly, there was a rap on the door. (rap on door, TERRENCE takes sip of liquor) TERRENCE Told you so. (BRITNEY enters) BRITNEY Is this the office of a private eye? TERRENCE Freeze! (scene freezes) TERRENCE I wasn't really a private eye. I was actually a plumber, a plumber who had just finished fixing the actual private eye's toilet. The job wasn't glamorous, but the pay was good. Still, I couldn't help but notice that the babe had a case -- two of them, actually -- and if I wanted to get a closer look, I had to play the part. (scene unfreezes) TERRENCE

Sure, babe, I'm a private eye. It says so on my door. BRITNEY Can you tell me your name? TERRENCE My name? You want to know my name? (dramatic music plays) BRITNEY Well, yeah. TERRENCE My name is. . . (pauses) TERRENCE George Washington-Jefferson-Lincoln-Wilson -Coolidge-Roosevelt-Eisenhower-Nixon-ReaganBush-Clinton-Lewinsky XIV -- at your service. (extravagant bow) BRITNEY Your little plate-thing says your name is Terrence. TERRENCE Oh. Really? (slowly turns the plate around) TERRENCE But you can call me Terry. BRITNEY Isn't Terry a girl's name? TERRENCE If I may politely disagree, I politely disagree.

BRITNEY Well, I still think it's a girl's name. TERRENCE What's your name, sweetheart? BRITNEY Britney. TERRENCE Britney? BRITNEY Britney. TERRENCE What's your full name? BRITNEY Uh. . .Britney. TERRENCE You don't have a last name. BRITNEY Oh. Oh yeah! A last name! (BRITNEY'S excitement soon turns to confusion.) BRITNEY I forgot. (BRITNEY'S dejection turns back to excitement.) BRITNEY But I have money! (pulls out wads of hundred-dollar bills)

TERRENCE Well, last names aren't important. Let's get down to business. BRITNEY Business? TERRENCE You do have a case, don't you? BRITNEY Oh. Oh yeah! You, like, solve cases and stuff, don't you? TERRENCE Well, I am a private eye. (self-important music plays) BRITNEY Good. Because, well, I mean, I was, like, going to the mall the other day -- you know, with my girlfriends -- and there was, like, this lipstick and it was really, really cool and pink and, like, yeah. It had these sparkles and everything! But anyway, I was reaching for the lipstick -- you know, because I wanted to buy it and all -- and this woman in this black trench coat was reaching for it too, and she grabbed one end, and I grabbed the other end, and I was like, "Oh no, you didn't," and she was like, "Oh no, you didn't," and I kicked her to make her let go. So I took it, and I paid for it, and I left. But anyway, I was going to the movies today, and I, like, reached in my purse for the lipstick, and it was gone! And I'm absolutely positive that nasty woman in the trench coat stole it! So yeah, I like, kind of want my lipstick back. (This monologue is filled with mini-flashbacks that detail a story far less dramatic than the one outlined above. When we flash back to the present, we see BRITNEY texting on her cell phone.) TERRENCE Freeze! (Scene does not freeze, but TERRENCE does not notice. When he looks at BRITNEY, she momentarily stops texting, but she resumes as soon as TERRENCE turns away. BRITNEY seems to be ignoring him, but in reality she is listening.) Interesting -- the Case of the Missing Lipstick. So, I had a hot broad and a hot case, and I was on both of them like a fly on a piece of meat. A warm, round, dripping piece of meat. . .or maybe two pieces of warm, round, dripping, round, round -BRITNEY

What are you talking about? TERRENCE Oh -- well -- never mind. Let's go. (TERRENCE and BRITNEY exit private eye's office. They pass the real private eye, who wears a trench coat and a stereotypical detective's hat. TERRENCE and BRITNEY are waiting for the elevator when they hear the following.) PRIVATE EYE My booze! My stogies! My toilet! If I find that damn plumber, I'll blow his head off. BRITNEY What's that? TERRENCE Nothing important, sweetie. (TERRENCE is frantically pushing the elevator buttons. BRITNEY doesn't notice his panic.) BRITNEY It sure sounds important. I want to go see! TERRENCE Not now, sweetie. BRITNEY I -- WANT -- TO -(elevator dings, door opens, and TERRENCE tries to pull BRITNEY into the elevator.) TERRENCE Come on, sweetie. BRITNEY -- GO -- SEE! TERRENCE Hey! Is that a penny?

BRITNEY Where? TERRENCE In the elevator. BRITNEY Really? (BRITNEY enters elevator on hands and knees. TERRENCE follows her and presses the "close door" button. Just as the door shuts, the private eye pokes his head around the corner, gun in hand. Dramatic music plays to end the scene.)

SCENE TWO (Camera cuts to outside the building. TERRENCE and BRITNEY are walking out the door. Everything is now in color.) BRITNEY Whoa! Why is everything in color? TERRENCE Oh, the black-and-white was just for dramatic effect. BRITNEY Oh. Well, uh, like what do we do now? TERRENCE Well -- um -- uh -(A spotlight is turned on BRITNEY and TERRENCE. They shield their eyes as holy music plays.) GOD I am God! TERRENCE Hi, God. BRITNEY

Hi, God. You have some nice effects. GOD Thanks. Anyways, I couldn't help but overhear your dilemma, and I decided to give you some advice. TERRENCE Really? What is it? GOD Open the door. (Dramatic music plays, followed by a pause.) TERRENCE Is that it? GOD Yes. Open the door. (TERRENCE looks confused and let-down. BRITNEY looks perky and enthusiastic.) TERRENCE Well, thanks, God. BRITNEY Yeah, thanks, God! GOD Don't mention it. (Holy music plays as the light fades. God departs.)

BRITNEY Wow! Now we know exactly what to do! TERRENCE What?

BRITNEY We have to open the door! (BRITNEY points to the door, which is brightly colored. Written on the door are phrases along the lines of, "LIPSTICK HERE!" The door is in the middle of the street.) TERRENCE Are you kidding me? When God says, "Open the door," do you think he actually means, "Open the door"? BRITNEY Well, yeah. (TERRENCE shakes his head. The National Treasure theme music begins to play.) TERRENCE It can't be that simple. . .door. . .door. . .the White House has a door. . .the President lives in the White House. . .the President, the President. . .what does this have to do with the President? The President's Secret Book! That's it -- the President's Secret Book! The President's Secret Book will tell us where the lipstick is! We have to kidnap the President so he gives us the Secret Book! That's it! BRITNEY Or we could open the door. TERRENCE Don't be ridiculous! We have to kidnap the President! Unfortunately, there's only person who can help us . . .a person who I hoped I'd never see again. Come on! (TERRENCE begins walking away, pulling Britney with him.) BRITNEY Why can't we just open the door? Scene Three (TERRENCE and BRITNEY have just arrived at a dingy apartment. The apartment should be decorated with a rainbow, gay-pride flag.) TERRENCE It's time -(dramatic music, pause, etc.)

TERRENCE -- to ring the doorbell. (He rings the doorbell. The door opens instantly, showing DAVE in a rainbow shirt, rainbow pants, etc, etc.) DAVE Oh my gosh, it's -TERRENCE Terrence. DAVE I thought your name was George Washington-Jefferson-Lincoln-Wilson -Coolidge-RooseveltEisenhower-Nixon-Reagan- Bush-Clinton-Lewinsky XIV. TERRENCE No. My name's Terrence. But you can call me Terry. DAVE Isn't Terry a girl's name? BRITNEY That's what I said! TERRENCE No, Terry is a highly respected, highly legitimate, highly -- well -- masculine name. DAVE Well, Terry, I'm just glad you're back. I want to see if you still know how to use the whip, if you get my meaning. TERRENCE Freeze! (Scene freezes. This time, TERRENCE tests to see if they're frozen by waving his hand in front of their faces. When he sees they're actually frozen, he starts the following monologue.)

TERRENCE The reason I had been -- well -- hesitant -- to go Dave's house should be pretty obvious. Dave was -- is -- gay, and well, I didn't appreciate the pick up lines, the seductive glances, and the -- you see, we were roommates in college -- I didn't know he was gay, I swear I didn't -- I just thought he had some funny habits, that's all -- and one night I woke up and half my clothes were off and someone was touching my -- well, my personal area and you can guess who that person was! I had just been raped! Can you imagine the emotional scarring, being raped by a gay man? I would have turned him in, but he was damn good on a computer. I needed him to find the treasure, so I let him go. And maybe -- maybe - just to placate him, I let him do it again. But anyways, if we were going to kidnap the President, I'd need his help. Amazing, the things I do just to solve a case. . . (scene unfreezes, BRITNEY nudges TERRENCE) BRITNEY Hey, your friend is hot! TERRENCE I'm glad someone thinks so. . . DAVE What'd you say? Hey, you aren't Terrence's girlfriend, are you? BRITNEY No, no, I'm -- available. DAVE Good. (DAVE puts his arm around TERRENCE; BRITNEY looks very offended. DAVE leads them into the apartment.) DAVE So, Terry, I've been thinking, and I have to say: your clothes would look good in a little heap next to my bed. TERRENCE Oh. Well, that's not the reason we're here. DAVE What? Oh, you want to take advantage of me -- again! You'd better make this worth my while.

TERRENCE I can offer you money. DAVE No, I mean -- you'd better make this worth my while. BRITNEY I could make it worth your while, Davey baby. DAVE I'm sorry, but only Terrence has what I want. TERRENCE Well -- um -- maybe. Yeah. I guess. BRITNEY You're seriously going to -DAVE So, what do you need? TERRENCE We have to kidnap the President. DAVE Again? TERRENCE Again. BRITNEY You guys have done this before? TERRENCE AND DAVE Yeah. DAVE

Actually, I think this is -- what -- the twenty-first time? TERRENCE I thought it was the twenty-second time. BRITNEY Well -- um -- what is this secret book, anyways? (National Treasure music plays) TERRENCE Well, it's rumored to be a book that contains all of the secrets of our country's past. All the questions without answers, answered -- all the facts you seek, found. Who really killed JFK? Did the Apollo really land on the moon? Is Jim Carrey really gay? BRITNEY What? It's real? The book is real? And you've seen it? TERRENCE We haven't just seen it; we've read it. BRITNEY Well? What does it, like, say? (A dramatic pause, during which the music continues to play. All of a sudden, the music breaks off, and TERRENCE and DAVE begin to laugh.) DAVE It doesn't say as much as it shows. TERRENCE The book contains pictures of the President's affairs. There are some dirty pictures, too; it's no wonder the President doesn't talk about his personal life in the State of the Union address. In fact, the reason we stole the book in the first place was to prove that my mother wasn't Monica Lewinsky. It's bad enough being related to Bill, but Monica, too? I just couldn't believe my luck was so bad. Sure enough, page forty- seven cleared my name; it showed Bill and Martha Stewart doing -- well -- what people in love do. DAVE If you want, Terrence and I could demonstrate. BRITNEY

What does this have to do with my lipstick? TERRENCE Hey, you don't know where your lipstick's been! If God says your answer's in the secret book, your answer's in the secret book -- hey, for all you know, it could be smeared over every page. (the scene begins to turn black-and-white, and the Private Eye's theme song plays) DAVE You talked with God? TERRENCE Long story. BRITNEY Hey, why are we turning black-and-white? My eyes look even more beautiful when we're in color. Don't you agree, Dave? DAVE Uh -TERRENCE The Private Eye's coming! I'd recognize his theme song anywhere! Hide! BRITNEY AND DAVE What Private Eye? TERRENCE Just hide! (TERRENCE, DAVE, and BRITNEY all hide under the carpet. The scene is now entirely blackand-white. PRIVATE EYE enters, gun in hand. He bends down over the carpet.) PRIVATE EYE Interesting. . . BRITNEY Hey Dave!

DAVE Hey Terry! TERRENCE Shut up! Do you want to be killed? PRIVATE EYE If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell them is, "God is crying." And if they ask why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is -- "Probably because of something you did." Just thought you might like to know that before you die. (PRIVATE EYE spins, shoots one of the lumps in the carpet. We hear a groan, accentuated by a dramatic sound effect. PRIVATE EYE laughs evilly, departs. After a few moments, the blackand-white begins to turn back to color, prompting the figures under the carpet to rise. We see that TERRENCE, BRITNEY, and DAVE are all right, but an OLD BUM has been killed.) TERRENCE I love those little words of wisdom. BRITNEY Why was an old bum under -- under there? DAVE I always thought that carpet was lumpy. TERRENCE Come on, guys. Let's focus. Dave, can you help us? DAVE Only as much as you can help me, Terry. BRITNEY I'd love to help, Dave. In fact, I'm a great worker. I can work as hard as you want, and I won't even get tired. TERRENCE Great -- you're on surveillance. Let's move out. (TERRENCE, BRITNEY, and DAVE exit.) Scene Four

(TERRENCE, BRITNEY, and DAVE all stick their heads around a corner. They have just arrived at the President's residence, as evidenced by the lavish furnishings. The following conversation is entirely whispered.)

TERRENCE Dave, you remembered to turn off the security system, right? DAVE The popover has popped. TERRENCE What did you say? DAVE Smiling licorice! The popover has popped. TERRENCE You're not talking in code again, are you? DAVE Turnip. Ketchup, celery. Sushi. BRITNEY What did he say? TERRENCE I don't know. He loves to talk in code. He thinks it makes him cool. BRITNEY I think it makes him hot. DAVE Mustard! TERRENCE Come on, guys. Let's go find the President.

(The National Treasure theme music, which has been playing quietly throughout the above conversation, now increases to full volume. A brief montage follows, during which we see TERRENCE, DAVE, and BRITNEY exploring several gyms. DAVE continues to hit on TERRENCE; BRITNEY continues to hit on DAVE. Finally, the music begins to fade.) ALL President Schwarzenegger! President Schwarzenegger! TERRENCE I just don't get it. We checked every workout room. BRITNEY We're missing something. . .something big. . . TERRENCE I think it's time we ask God for help. Dave, why don't you lead the prayer? (DAVE and TERRENCE adopt the posture for prayer. BRITNEY, however, continues to walk down the hallway.) DAVE Mushroom. Caterpillar, sunset, teacup. Calculator, hard drive, pencil. Dot Trophy Schwarzenegger? (BRITNEY presses her ear against the door. DAVE'S voice and the accompanying holy music increase in volume. A bright light is shining on DAVE and TERRENCE. The camera zooms up on TERRENCE, then DAVE, then DAVE'S mouth, all the while keeping BRITNEY in the background.) DAVE Clock, shaving, towel. Dictionary, cheese, ceramic. Cactus! (DAVE and TERRENCE spread their arms wide, and the light suddenly becomes much brighter.) GOD Ask any question, Terrence, and it shall be answered. TERRENCE Well, God, we just want to know -- where is the President? GOD

Oh, that's easy. He's -(All of a sudden, BRITNEY jumps to her feet. She is clearly visible, as are the figures of DAVE and TERRENCE.) BRITNEY Holy shit! (The light instantly goes out. DAVE and TERRENCE open their eyes before standing.) TERRENCE Britney, why did you have to cuss? God was about to tell us where President Schwarzenegger was! BRITNEY We don't need help. I just found him! (DAVE and TERRENCE hurry over. BRITNEY is still crouched by the door.) DAVE Eggnog, plastic, yogurt? TERRENCE Yeah, what are you talking about? BRITNEY Listen! (TERRENCE and DAVE stop talking. All of a sudden, they hear the following.) VOICE I'll be back. I'll be back. I'll be back. TERRENCE The President must be doing his Terminator impersonation. BRITNEY Come on, let's get him. (BRITNEY reaches for the doorknob.)

TERRENCE Wait! This could be a trap! (pause) ALL Nah. (TERRENCE opens door. This new room is an office, filled with papers. One chair is turned away from TERRENCE, BRITNEY, and DAVE. The voice seems to be coming from this chair. The trio begin walking towards the chair; meanwhile, TERRENCE, BRITNEY, and DAVE say the following lines, accompanied by the National Treasure theme. This section must be very slow, dramatic, and tense.) TERRENCE Mr. President, we need the book. BRITNEY If you give it to us, we'll leave you alone; that's all we need. DAVE Goulash. BRITNEY Why isn't he saying anything? DAVE Sunflower, parsnip. Imitation. TERRENCE Mr. President! (TERRENCE spins the chair around. All of a sudden, we notice that Mr. President is not in the room; the voice has been produced by a tape recorder. TERRENCE, BRITNEY, and DAVE gasp; a dramatic sound effect plays; and an evil laugh, courtesy of the SECRET SERVICE AGENT, is heard. TERRENCE, BRITNEY, and DAVE spin around.) SECRET SERVICE AGENT Don't move! I've got a gun, and I'm not afraid to use it. BRITNEY

Who are you? SECRET SERVICE AGENT My name? You want to know my name? (dramatic sound effect plays) BRITNEY Well, yeah. SECRET SERVICE AGENT Unfortunately for you, I ask the questions around here. What's your name, hot links? BRITNEY You rude bast -TERRENCE Her name's Britney. SECRET SERVICE AGENT I know that voice! You're George Washington-Jefferson-Lincoln-Wilson -Coolidge-RooseveltEisenhower-Nixon-Reagan- Bush-Clinton-Lewinsky XIV! TERRENCE Actually, my name's Terrence -- but you can call me Terry. SECRET SERVICE AGENT Terry? Isn't that a girl's name? BRITNEY That's what I said! TERRENCE For the last time, Terry is a very manly name. SECRET SERVICE AGENT I still say Terry's a -TERRENCE

So what's with the recorder, hot shot? SECRET SERVICE AGENT Oh. Oh, the recorder! Well, Mr. President wasn't too keen on you guys stealing his book for the twenty-third time -TERRENCE Twenty-second time! SECRET SERVICE AGENT Whatever. Anyways, you fell right into our trap. TERRENCE Look, we only need the book for a minute. We're looking for this young lady's lipstick, and we think the book has the answer. SECRET SERVICE AGENT I hate to disappoint you, but I happen to know for a fact that the President prefers his -employees to use nothing but pancake batter. DAVE Cabbage frankfurter! SECRET SERVICE AGENT What'd he say? TERRENCE Nobody knows. SECRET SERVICE AGENT Well, I guess it's time for me to -(A cell phone ring is heard. SECRET SERVICE AGENT looks at the Caller ID, groans.) SECRET SERVICE AGENT Hi, Mom. . .no, I'm not doing anything dangerous. . . yeah, I should be home in a few hours. . .what's for dinner? (While the above conversation occurs, BRITNEY nudges TERRENCE and whispers the following.)

BRITNEY If we want to get out of here alive, we need a distraction. (TERRENCE looks at the SECRET SERVICE AGENT, DAVE. He then pushes the latter as hard as he can in the direction of the former.) TERRENCE Run, Britney! (SECRET SERVICE AGENT turns around, points the gun at DAVE, and yells the following.) SECRET SERVICE AGENT Freeze! (Everyone freezes except TERRENCE, who keeps running.) TERRENCE We're free! We're free! Guys, we're free! (TERRENCE pauses, turns back.) TERRENCE Guys? Wait -- they're frozen! He said "Freeze," and everyone froze -- everyone except me, that is. I love special effects! (TERRENCE takes the gun from the SECRET SERVICE AGENT.) TERRENCE This should be easy enough. (The scene unfreezes. The SECRET SERVICE AGENT looks confused until he realizes that TERRENCE has his gun.) SECRET SERVICE AGENT Whoa, man. Let's be cool. See, I'm leaving. I'm not bothering you. It's all good. (SECRET SERVICE AGENT exits through other door.) TERRENCE Come on, guys. Let's get out of here. (TERRENCE, BRITNEY, and DAVE begin to exit.)

DAVE Meatloaf, raisin, sausage! BRITNEY Yeah, how do you do that? TERRENCE I even amaze myself sometimes. (TERRENCE, BRITNEY, and DAVE exit.) Scene Five (TERRENCE, BRITNEY, and DAVE are walking down the street. DAVE has his arm around TERRENCE'S shoulders; BRITNEY is holding DAVE'S hand. The National Treasure theme is playing.) TERRENCE I don't understand it. I just don't understand it. DAVE I know, Terry. It doesn't make sense. BRITNEY Hey! You spoke English! DAVE The mission's over. BRITNEY What do you mean, the mission's over? You guys aren't giving up, are you? TERRENCE We don't have a single lead. What are we supposed to do? BRITNEY I thought you were some great detective! We outsmart the Private Eye, break into the White House, take down the secret service -- we even had help from God, for goodness sakes -- we do all that, and you want to quit now?

TERRENCE God. . .God. . . (All of a sudden, the movie launches into a flashback. We see GOD declaring, "Open the door." We see the door. The camera focuses on the doorknob.) TERRENCE I get it! I know where the lipstick is! Come on! (TERRENCE, DAVE, and BRITNEY run offstage to exit.) Scene Six (TERRENCE, DAVE, and BRITNEY have just arrived at the street with the door.) BRITNEY Why are we back here? DAVE Yeah, sweetie! What's going on? TERRENCE Why didn't I think of it before? All we have to do is open the door! DAVE Genius! (DAVE and TERRENCE exit left.) BRITNEY Hey! That was my idea! (BRITNEY follows. She arrives just as TERRENCE puts his hand on the doorknob.) TERRENCE Are you ready, guys? We might not make it out alive. DAVE Terrence, if we don't make it through this, there's something you should know. TERRENCE

What? DAVE Terrence -- I love you. BRITNEY And I love you, Dave! TERRENCE And I love you, Britney! (pause, during which the music stops) DAVE Wow. This is awkward. (music resumes) TERRENCE Be brave, comrades. It is time to open -(Camera focuses on TERRENCE'S hand, which turns the knob. It then shifts back to TERRENCE to catch the latter's line.) TERRENCE -- the -(Camera focuses on TERRENCE'S hand, which begins to open the door. It then shifts back to TERRENCE to catch the latter's line.) TERRENCE -- door! (TERRENCE opens the door. ALL gasp to see BRITNEY'S lipstick, which rests on a pedestal.) BRITNEY My lipstick! (BRITNEY is about to take the lipstick, but TERRENCE stalls her hand.) TERRENCE

Wait! It could be a trap! BRITNEY Are you serious? Do you really think God would set a trap? TERRENCE I wouldn't put it past him. DAVE I know! As Terrence removes the lipstick, Britney should place an object of equal weight on the pedestal. TERRENCE Brilliant! Britney, do have another tube of lipstick? BRITNEY I never leave home unprepared. (BRITNEY begins to look through the contents of her purse.) TERRENCE It needs to be the same as the lipstick on the pedestal. BRITNEY Don't worry -(BRITNEY takes a tube of lipstick out of her purse.) BRITNEY -- this is the same brand, same color, same type, same style, same everything. TERRENCE Perfect! All right, Britney, let's go! DAVE I can't look! (As DAVE turns away, the music swells to an unprecedented level. TERRENCE carefully removes the target tube of lipstick while BRITNEY slides the identical tube of lipstick into

position. Suddenly, the music stops, and a pause ensues. When no trap is sprung, ALL begin to cheer.) ALL We did it, we did it! BRITNEY Cheer for lipstick! TERRENCE Cheer for money! DAVE Cheer for gay sex! (All look at DAVE.) DAVE Hey, to each his own. (TERRENCE gasps.) TERRENCE It can't be! DAVE What is it, Terrence-baby? What's wrong? TERRENCE Britney, did you say that was the exact same lipstick? (All turns black. Credits roll.)

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