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Colossus
A PLAY IN ONE ACT
AUTHORS

Blaire Andres Alisia Bonnell Ellie Cherington Katie Croyle Jack Fellows Mary Ferrillo Rosie Gatto Kylie Gordon Mike Griffeth Aidan Kinney Liz Lee Valerie Leikina Kelsey Marksteiner Matt Marteney Lily Narbonne Sam Potter Tracy Snyder Nate Speare Dan Turner Lyszi Wirch

For information: 115 Tahanto Trail Harvard, MA 01451 978 456 3454 Teacher: Michael McGarty

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Colossus

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"Colossus" SETTING: Various places aboard the S.S. Colossus, cruise ship of Picture Perfect Cruises. TIME: Present CHARACTERS:(In order of appearance) DAVE KENDALL: workaholic father around 40 yrs. old KATE KENDALL: Mother searching for romance around 38 yrs. old JACK KENDALL: Rebellious son 17 years old HANNAH KENDALL: Intelligent daughter 16 years old TAYLOR CHASE: Perky OCD Cruise Director ALBERT THOMPSON: Grandfather 65 years old, very kind and understanding, a very intelligent man, but with a lot of wry humor. GEOFFREY THOMPSON: Grandson, 17 years old. shy MABEL: Cruise friend of Kate, about 48 yrs. old RUFIO: Cruise Tanning Butler, handsome and young BELLBOY BARTENDER WAITRESS CAPTAIN McDOUGALL

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SCENE 1 EXT. WE HEAR A HORN OF A CRUISE SHIP. FADE UP SOUNDS OF SEAGULLS AND SPLASHING OF THE SEA. CENTER STAGE WE SEE THE BOW OF THE S.S. COLOSSUS AT NIGHT. Kate is "flying" off the front of the bow "a la Titanic" with Jack holding her. Slowly he raises his hands, arms outstretched, and they meet hers... fingertips gently touching. Then their fingers intertwine. Hannah is hidden with a tape player playing Titanic theme music. KATE: I'm flying, Jack. I'm flying! JACK: How much longer do we have to do this? KATE: Never let go, Jack. Never let go! JACK: But we've been here for over 1/2 hour. KATE: Never let go, Jack. JACK: But Moooommm... KATE: Stop whining, Jack. You're mother is having a moment. The Cruise Director, Taylor, enters and sees the family in this unusual pose. TAYLOR: Umm, excuse me…I don't mean to interrupt, but… yes, hello…I'm Taylor Chase, your Cruise Director, and on behalf of Picture Perfect Cruises, I'd like to welcome you to The Colossus, our five-star cruise

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liner with top-of-the-line comfort and state-of-the-art technology. Now, as cruise director, I organize the activities on board, so if there's anything that you're interested in, I have prepared itineraries based on interest groups - now JACK: (Interrupts) Do you have a casino on this ship? TAYLOR: Uh, well yes. We do offer..

KATE: Back off, Bucko. (To Taylor) Hi, I'm Kate Kendall and these are my two children, Jack and Hannah.My husband and I were wondering if you have any activities geared towards a younger age group? TAYLOR: Oh yes, of course. We have swimming lessons at the pool on F Deck, Arts & Crafts in the Lido Lounge and classes explaining the different sea creatures native to these waters. (Jack has found a rounded air tube protruding from the deck that he starts to look at...and then sticks his head in) HANNAH: (unenthused) Oh great, school on a cruise. How exciting. Are there any other kids our age on the ship? TAYLOR: Well, I'm sure you'll find... (Taylor sees what Jack is doing)

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Young man, please don't stick your head... (DAVE enters briefcase in hand) DAVE: Knock it off, Jack. Why don't you two go down to your cabins and unpack. HANNAH: Sure, dad. (They exit) KATE: This is my husband, Dave. TAYLOR: How do you do? I'm Taylor... DAVE: (interrupting) Could you tell me where the wireless Internet hotspots are located? I'll be needing a place to do some work. TAYLOR: Well, there are access ports on.... KATE: DAVE, you promised... DAVE: It'll only take a minute. I just want to check the office email. TAYLOR: Well, there are ports in the business lounge and of course in your stateroom. DAVE: Thanks (cell phone rings, DAVE pulls out a blackberry and answers)

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KATE (to Taylor) Thanks for your help. TAYLOR: Well, if you have any more questions about activities, my office is on E deck towards the stern of the ship. Enjoy your stay on the Collossus. (Taylor leaves) KATE DAVE.... DAVE: Hello, Ted?... KATE DAVE.... DAVE: So, what's up with the Heckley account.? KATE DAVE, please... DAVE: This'll only take a second, Kate. (on phone) What did you say, Ted? KATE We agreed that you wouldn't take any business calls. DAVE: This is about a three million dollar client, Kate. Just give me one minute and I'll be done. KATE You just don't get it, do you? DAVE: (on phone) So what did he decide, Ted?

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KATE (dreamily) Leo would understand DAVE: (on phone) ..Wait a minute (to Kate) Leo who? KATE (caught by surprise) Nevermind...
(LGHTS FADE CENTER)

SET TRANSITION: (MOST SET TRANSITIONS ARE COVERED BY SHIP ANNOUNCEMENTS MADE BY CRUISE DIRECTOR TAYLOR CHASE)

TAYLOR (V.O.) Attention passengers. Skeet shooting is now scheduled for the aft deck. SCENE 2: INT. A CRUISE CABIN WITH A DOUBLE BED. STAGE RIGHT GEOFF AND ALBERT AND BELLBOY ENTER. BELLBOY PUTS BAGS NEAR COUCH.

GEOFFREY SHOTGUN BED! F'in A. Gotcha Grampa. I get the bed. (pumps fists in success) ALBERT What shotgun? What are you talking about? GEOFFREY (jumps on the bed) The bed....I called it. ALBERT (to Bellboy)

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Did he just call the bed a shotgun? BELLBOY If I understand correctly,sir, he called shotgun which means he is in full ownership of the bed. ALBERT I see. Thank you. (Bellboy exits) Ownership of the bed? How does a shotgun give you ownership of a bed? You can't own the bed. GEOFFREY No Grampa, I called it. That means you get to sleep on the couch and I get the bed. ALBERT Geoffrey, we both sleep in the bed. It's a double. GEOFFREY Grampa. I am NOT sleeping with you. Two guys don't sleep in the same bed. It's not cool, dude. ALBERT Well cool or not. I'm too old to be sleeping on a sofa. GEOFFREY Great...Why don't I just sleep on the floor ALBERT Geoffrey. Listen, when I asked you to join me, I thought you'd enjoy a sort of adventure to get away from home for a while. I certainly didn't want to make you feel obligated. GEOFFREY No...I'm sorry Grandpa. I didn't mean it that way. I appreciate it...I really do.

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ALBERT Enough to sleep in a double bed with your Grandpa? GEOFFREY Gee...that couch looks awfully comfortable to me. ALBERT That's the right attitude... Well, since you're so interested in guns, why don't we shoot some skeet off the aft deck. GEOFFREY They let you do that on board? ALBERT Sure they do. Shotgun Skeet. F'in A. Gotcha Geoff. I go first. GEOFFREY Ok, Grampa. Let's go. (They exit) TRANSITION ANNOUNCEMENT TAYLOR (V.O.) Attention passengers, Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Don't forget to visit our jewelry exhibit now open in the Rainbow Lounge. SCENE 3: INT. INSIDE CORRIDOR BY A SHIP JEWELRY STORE STAGE LEFT. KATE AND DAVE ENTER SL. SAME NIGHT ON THE WAY TO DINNER. DAVE: You did tell the kids to meet us in the dining room, didn't you? KATE (sees a ring in exhibit case) Oh my God, look at this, DAVE. That ring is just beautiful.

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DAVE: (uneasily) Yeah...it's pretty. We'd better move it. We'll be late meeting the kids. KATE I'd love to have something like that around my finger. DAVE: Come on hon...we gotta go. KATE But the ring...I mean, that large pink diamond . It's calling to me. DAVE: Well, don't answer. Besides, don't you think it a bit too...big and flashy? It looks like something Paris Hilton would wear. KATE What?...Don't you think I'm pretty enough to wear a pink diamond? DAVE: I didn't say Paris Hilton was pretty...just flashy. Besides, there are other rings there that are just less showy...less diamondy... KATE Oh...I get it. You don't think that I deserve diamonds? DAVE: No...that's not what I meant. Anyway, why do you need a ring like that for? KATE If you can't figure it out, I'm surely not going to explain it to you.

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DAVE: Explain it to me...Please,explain it to me. KATE Leo wouldn't need me to explain anything. Now, hurry up. We need to meet the kids for dinner. (She exits) DAVE: Leo?....who's this Leo guy? Kate...wait...who's Leo? SET TRANSITION: First three scenes are changed to the full deck now. Stagehands may be dressed in sailor suits to effect the changes as the song "Sea Cruise" by Frankie Ford plays. SCENE 4: EXT. THE NEXT MORNING ON THE DECK. STAGE LEFT IS THE TANNING BUTLER'S STATION. TO THE RIGHT OF THAT ARE TWO LOUNGE CHAIRS. CENTER STAGE HAS A TABLE AND TWO DECK CHAIRS. STAGE RIGHT HAS TWO LOUNGE CHAIRS HANNAH IS STAGE LEFT IN A LOUNGE CHAIR READING A BOOK. ALBERT AND GEOFFREY ENTER SL, CROSSING BEHIND HANNAH. TRANSITION ANNOUCEMENT TAYLOR (V.O.) Attention passengers. Skeet shooting has been temporarily suspended until forther notice.

GEOFFREY Grandpa, where did you learn to shoot like that? ALBERT (carrying a backgammon set) Well, I did pick up a few pointers in Korea.

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GEOFFREY (Albert drops his hat. Geoffrey stops to retrieve it. Hannah sees all this and when Geoff picks up the hat the two lock eyes.) Ah....what did you say? ALBERT (sees the interest of the two adolescents) Don't get distracted, Geoffrey or you might shoot another seagull. GEOFFREY Grandpa!! That was an accident. ALBERT It was perched on the railing. GEOFFREY Grandpa!... ALBERT Sleeping! GEOFFREY (getting into the act) Not after my first shot it wasn't. Come on...Why don't we play over here. (THEY SIT AT TABLE CENTER AND SET UP THE GAME AND BEGIN TO PLAY THOROUGHOUT THE SCENE.)

KATE AND MABEL ENTER SR TO SUN THEMSELVES. THEY SIT IN TWO LOUNGE CHAIRS. KATE ...and then he said, "What do you need a ring like that for?" MABEL:

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Face it, Kate. Romance is dead once you reach our age. Husbands just don't think they have to keep up the chase. We're bagged game to them. Why hunt a dead duck? KATE That's harsh. All men can't be like that. MABEL: Honey, just look at the facts. Where is your husband now? KATE DAVE? He's in the cabin dealing with some corporate client. MABEL: (sarcastically) Really?...Sounds to me like he's just shifted his hunting grounds. (RUFIO ENTERS FROM SL, CROSSES IN FRONT OF MABEL AND GOES TO TANNING BAR) KATE Well...maybe. MABEL: Look...you want romance? (Rufio bends over to get something unwittingly pointing his butt at the women) KATE Sure, but... MABEL: Well,you need to redirect your sights. (looks around and spots Rufio) There...check out that cute towel boy. (lowers sunglasses)

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Mmmmm...ooooo, yes! KATE He seems very nice. MABEL: Nice?!? Honey, that's a mighty fine slice of pure USDA Prime Beef. KATE Mabel! MABEL: For goodness sakes, we're on a cruise. Everything and everyone on board is here to please the passengers. Watch this....Oh, boy....boy...you there. (gestures to Rufio who approaches) KATE Mabel...What are you doing? MABEL: I'm doing what I can to get nearer to the boy.

RUFIO (speaks with a Spanish accent) What can I be doing for you ladies today? MABEL: I'd like a very wet martini, please... with two juicy onions. RUFIO I will get waiter for you. MABEL: You're not a waiter? RUFIO No, Miss...I am Tanning Oil Butler.

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MABEL: Tanning oil butler, you say? RUFIO Yes, this is my job. MABEL: And what...exactly does a tanning oil butler do....ah... (she searches for a name) RUFIO (points to his nametag) Rufio, my name is Rufio. MABEL: Yes..Rufio...and what does a tanning oil butler do? RUFIO Well...if the ladies who are coming on the boat want to have a nice golden tan...mmm...yes? They come to me, and I am putting the oil on them for to get such a nice tan. MABEL: Oooo really? (to Kate) You know, I could really go for a tan right now, couldn't you? (to Rufio, very seductively) How much..? RUFIO (innocently confused) But...you are not understanding. On cruise, there is no charges, no? MABEL: Ohhh... (she obviously knew this before) Well, then, could I, uh, engage your services? RUFIO

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Certainly...I be right back. (goes to his tanning station) KATE (Under her breath) Mabel!!! What do you think you're doing? MABEL: (lying down) Getting a man...I mean a tan, of course. KATE Mabel... (Rufio returns) RUFIO Alright... (looks at Mabel's face) we start down here. (points to legs) MABEL: Wonderful... (Rufio begins to put lotion on her legs) You know, Rufio, getting a good tan always makes a girl look so much younger, don't you think? RUFIO Really? And how old are you? MABEL: (surprised) What?... (lying) Why, I'm only 29. RUFIO (playing along) Wow! You don't look to be nearly that old! (RUFFIO CONTINUES TO RUB OIL ON MABEL THROUGH THE NEXT SCENE. SCENE FOCUS SHIFTS TO STAGE LEFT WHERE JACK ENTERS TO

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TALK TO HANNAH WHO HAS BEEN READING. HE PLUNKS INTO THE CHAIR NEXT TO HER) JACK: I hate this ship. HANNAH: Why? What happened? JACK: I won fifty bucks in the slot machines. HANNAH: Fifty dollars? I thought we weren't allowed to play. JACK: Yeah...We're not. HANNAH: Then, what happened? JACK: Ok. While I was playing, this cute little redhead waitress walked by and I kinda told her that she was foxy. She wasn't impressed and called the manager to check my ID. HANNAH: Smooth, Jack. JACK: It would have been fine though if I hadn't been so stupid. HANNAH: Did they figure out that it only took five minutes for you to fake your ID on photoshop? JACK: No. That wasn't the problem. HANNAH:

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Or was it that a Harrington Bishop Christopherson the third wasn't booked onto the boat? JACK: Didn't get that far. HANNAH: What then? JACK: I forgot that Harrington Bishop Christopherson the third was born on December 23, 1979. HANNAH: (laughs) So what happened to the money? JACK: I had to give it all back. The manager called me a delinquent kid with criminal tendencies. I thought I was being enterprising! TAYLOR (V.O.) Attention passengers. Just a reminder...Minors are NOT permitted to gamble in the Galaxy Casino. JACK (Jack looks over at Mabel and Rufio) Hey, Hannah. Look over at that guy by Mom. HANNAH: He's been at it for ten minutes. How'd you like to have a job like that? Rubbing down old ladies while they hit on you. JACK: Poor kid. (sees Mabel grab Ruffio's butt.) Whoa....did she just pinch his butt?

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HANNAH: Oh my God. He's moving on to Mom. JACK: Sick!!! This not something an impressionable young mind needs to see! HANNAH: (who's focus has shifted to Geoffrey) What?...... JACK: (catches her gaze) Oooo....hot stuff Hannah. The pool is open for action! HANNAH: Shut up, Jack! I'm just looking at him. Besides, he looks like he's with his grandfather. JACK: Ooooo...that's awkward. HANNAH: What? JACK: Being on a cruise with your grandfather, in the pool area, in your bathing suit, surrounded by old ladies. (shivers) HANNAH: I don't know. He doesn't look like he feels awkward, just....sad. JACK: I think I know what could fix that... HANNAH: Jack, do not offer him any of that! JACK:

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(innocently) What are you talking about? HANNAH: Oh, please. I know you brought some with you. You wouldn't be able to part with your weed for a day, never mind a week. JACK: I was merely saying that I knew of a remedy. HANNAH: You'd be better off giving some to the tanning oil guy. He looks like he needs to forget a few things. Jack notices Geoff looking at Hannah) JACK: Hey, I think that kid's looking at you. HANNAH: (looks up at Geoffrey and then quickly looks away) Geez. Jack, go away. JACK: What did I do? HANNAH: Nothing...just go away. JACK: Why? HANNAH: Jaaaaack! ...Just go! (she puts her IPod earphones back in) JACK: Alright...alright.There's obviously no action for me here.

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(He gets up to leave. Looks SR at Rufio putting oil on his mother) Well, maybe there is (He heads SR to his mother) Hey Ma. KATE (obviously flustered) Jack!..You startled me. JACK: You sure you don't want me to do that for you? KATE No...ah...no, I'm just fine....I'm more than fine...I'm finished. Ah...Thank you Rufio, that was very..nice...ah,no... helpful, yes helpful. (To Jack) I think I'd better pop down and check in on your father. He's been working too hard. We'll meet you in the dining room for lunch. See you later, Mabel (Exits SR) JACK: Ok.Ma. See you then (Catches Rufio's eye, winks and makes a "you can thank me later" gesture and exits UR) (SCENE SHIFTS TO GRANDFATHER AND GEOFFREY PLAYING THEIR GAME AND HANNAH SNEAKING GLANCES AS THEY PLAY) GEOFFREY (Albert drops a backgammon piece and Geoffrey picks it up) Here Grampa. ALBERT

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Thanks, Geoff.... (sees Hannah looking) Do you realize Geoffrey, that the young lady over there has been sneaking looks at you for the last five minutes? GEOFFREY (silence..for a moment) Yes, Grandpa, I know. ALBERT My, my. She's a rather pretty girl...and for some reason she's interested in you. GEOFFREY Grandpa, would you please not talk about it so loudly? She can probably hear you! ALBERT Aha! So you ARE interested in her. GEOFFREY Yeah, yeah...I just think we should get back to the game. (They continue to play for a moment. Hannah looks over in the direction again and Albert gives a little wave. Hannah smiles and waves back) GEOFFREY Grandpa! Stop that! What do you think your doing? ALBERT Just making the game more interested, Geoffrey. Raising the stakes, so to speak. GEOFFREY Grandpa, you're going to ruin everything. ALBERT Really....well,

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(placing the last playing tile) It looks like I win. GEOFFREY What?...How... ALBERT I think I'll just take a walk down the deck and pick up a bottle of water. I'm a bit thirsty. GEOFFREY Do you want me to set up the board for another game? ALBERT Sure. Just don't wait for me to make your next move. GEOFFREY What? ALBERT Nevermind. (Albert leaves SL. As he goes by Hannah, he gives her a little wave and looks back at Geoffrey) GEOFFREY (under his breath in agony) Grandpa...what are you doing? (As soon as Albert is gone, Geoffrey tries to be discreet and takes a typical look around and then over the shoulder, but really wants to look at Hannah. He notices her looking at him and snaps his head back to look the other way. Hannah finally gets up and walks upstage of him. He looks back downstage and notices she's gone) HANNAH: Hi, (she scares him and he upsets some playing pieces)

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Sorry. I just noticed you and your grandfather over here. What game are you playing? GEOFFREY (still a little annoyed at Albert) Me or my grandfather? HANNAH: Excuse me? GEOFFREY Nevermind....it's backgammon. You know it? HANNAH: Eh, kinda. Can I sit in for your grandfather? GEOFFREY Yeah...sure....I guess. (They play the game throughout the conversation.) HANNAH: So...what's your name? GEOFFREY Oh..Geoff....Geoff Thompson. HANNAH: I'm Hannah Kendall. GEOFFREY Hi. HANNAH: Hi. (THERE IS AN AWKWARD PAUSE AND SILENCE FOLLOWED BY BOTH CHARACTERS SPEAKING AT THE SAME TIME) GEOFFREY I'm sorry about... HANNAH: So, why are you... (AGAIN, SIMULTANEOUSLY)

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GEOFFREY Sorry... HANNAH: Sorry...You go ahead. GEOFFREY So, yeah...I'm sorry about my grandfather being so weird. (Hannah doesn't get it) Flirty...you know. (he waves like the grandfather) HANNAH: Oh, That's ok. He's kinda cute. (Now it's Geoff who doesn't get it) GEOFFREY Cute??? HANNAH: (realizes his mistake) ...That was a joke. GEOFFREY Oh...oh, ha...yeah, well, I guess HE knew how to get your attention. HANNAH: Huh? GEOFFREY (realising that he's caught) Ah...that was a joke? (feebly) Ha...Ha... (THEY BOTH CONTINUE TO PLAY BACKGAMMON) TAYLOR (V.O.) Attention passengers. The Speed Dating Marathon is about to begin in the Sunset Lounge.

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(MABEL HEARS THE ANNOUNCEMENT, SITS UP ABRUPTLY, GATHERS HER THINGS AND HEADS OFF SR) HANNAH: So, your grandpa seems like quite the character. GEOFFREY Yeah...I'm finding that out. He's constantly surprising me. HANNAH: Are your parents on board with you? GEOFFREY No...well...ah, my mom's running a telethon at the local tv station and she thought it would be a good idea if I went with my grandpa on this trip while she was so busy. (They continue to play in silence until Geoffrey gets up the courage to ask) So, where did your boyfriend go? HANNAH: Boyfriend?...No. You've got it all wrong. That kid is my brother, Jack. I'm on the cruise with my family....Mom, Dad, and my delinquent brother Jack. GEOFFREY Are you having a good time? HANNAH: Well, it's been an interesting family vacation up to now...My mother's reliving the Titanic romance while my father works his way through the cruise and Jack...well.... he's just trying to see how many laws he can break in international waters... (notices Geoff has stopped playing to stare at her)

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I think it's your move. GEOFFREY What?...Oh...yeah..the game. (continues play Albert returns with water bottle) ALBERT Well, I see you two finally took the plunge. GEOFFREY Grandpa.. HANNAH: Great timing....I'm beating him. ALBERT (winks at Geoff) Oh, really. HANNAH: Yep. He's not very good, is he? ALBERT Well, he's a great skeet shooter. GEOFFREY Grandpa, shut up! HANNAH: (laughing) Well, I really should go and make sure that my brother hasn't fallen off the ship. I had fun playing with you Geoff and it was nice meeting you both. GEOFFREY You too, Hannah. (Hannah exits SR. Albert sits to continue playing the game.) Grandpa, why did you do that? ALBERT

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You were drowning, boy. I had to do something. I couldn't just sit back and watch. GEOFFREY (shocked) You were watching! ALBERT Sure. I had to watch how you play the game. And from what I saw, you need to learn one basic rule. GEOFFREY And what's that? ALBERT Bait the hook, Geoffrey. Just bait the hook. (Geoffrey looks intrigued. They continue to play as Kate and Dave enter SR) TAYLOR (V.O.) Attention passengers. Deep Sea Fishing is now scheduled for off the Promenade Deck. KATE ...Now isn't this better? You haven't spent any time out in the sun. You need to relax and enjoy the fresh air. (She gets him to sit down in the lounge chairs SR) DAVE: Yeah..it's nice up here. (takes out his blackberry to check some work) KATE The kids were up here before on the deck. I wonder where they've gone to.

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(sees him working) Will you look up from your precious strawberry for one minute and talk to me. DAVE: Blackberry...and I can do both. So what did you say about the kids? KATE (grabs the blackberry) Put it away. DAVE: Kate. Give that back. You're being ridiculous. KATE No I'm not. You spend more time playing with that toy than you do talking to me...remember me? DAVE: Kate, I told you when you suggested this trip that it was at the worst possible time workwise. You knew I'd have to spend a lot of the time on the new project. Can't you be a little more understanding? KATE Understanding? Understanding...this is supposed to be a vacation, Dave. (He holds out his hand waiting. She finally hands him the blackberry.) Fine, when you're finished your precious little project, you know where to find me. (She begins to exit SR but then thinks again and turns back) And another thing.... (Blackberry phone rings.) DAVE: (answers phone)

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Wait a sec...Hank? (Kate grabs phone) KATE (talking into phone) Hank? He's busy. (She throws the blackberry off stage right off the ship) DAVE: (stunned) KATE! KATE Shut your mouth, Dave. You're not a fish. (She exits. Scene Shift) SET TRANSITION: Deck area is now changed to SLC the bar of the Neptune Club Bar and SRC the Casino. The transition song "In The Navy" by The Village People plays. SCENE 4: INT. THE NEPTUNE CLUB BAR, - MOMENTS LATER RUFIO ENTERS

TAYLOR (V.O.) Attention passengers. The Salsa Follies starring the Latin sensation Chi Chi Hernandez opens this evening in the Coral Princess Theatre. RUFIO (Sits at the bar obviously not happy) BARTENDER: Hey Rufio. Aren't you supposed to be working ?

RUFIO Dios mio, I can't do this anymore. BARTENDER:

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What's the problem? RUFIO It's just...I no want to spend my life rubbing tanning oil on old ladies. This is no what I come on cruise ship to do. BARTENDER: No? What did you think you got hired for? RUFIO I come on boat to teach rumba to beautiful young ladies. I come to live the romance of the dance, not to smooth out wrinkles on ancient women who have skin like chorizo. BARTENDER: You need a drink. RUFIO You think I come here for chit chat? Of course, I want drink. Beer, please. (Bartender hands him beer, as Jack enters) JACK: (sits at bar and tries to sound older) Can I have a beer please? BARTENDER: (looks at Jack critically)) I'm gonna need to see an ID, kid. JACK: (nervously pulls out ID) Oh..right...here. BARTENDER: So, kid, how old are you? JACK: (looking uncomfortable)

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32...wait...22...uhh, isn't it on there? BARTENDER: Nice try, kid. How about a Shirley Temple instead? JACK: (in normal voice) Shirley Temple? (back to older voice) You've got to be kidding. I'm 22..really, I am. RUFIO Shirley Temple? What is this Shirley Temple? JACK: It's a wuss drink and an insult to the fact that I'm 22 years old. BARTENDER: The ID says you're 28, "Harrington". JACK: Uh..A Shirley Temple will be fine. RUFIO I must try Shirley Temple! Give us two Shirley Temples. I buy drink for man who save me from rubbing oil on wrinkled ladies. JACK: Wrinkled ladies? Hey, dude, one of those wrinkled ladies is my mother! RUFIO Excusame. I buy you Shirley Temple. I am Rufio. JACK: Thanks,I'm Jack. BARTENDER: (puts two drinks on bar)

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Here you go fellas. JACK: And you'll need something stronger than a Shirley Temple to get the picture of all those prunes lying there babbling about their bingo games out of you mind. RUFIO (thinking) ...Prunes...I used to like prunes... (comes out of his revery) I cannot escape them. They find me everywhere...on the deck, in the dining room...I even had old woman try to grab my goose in elevator. JACK: Grab your goose? (Rufio indicates getting goosed) Man, that's harsh. And I thought I had it bad on this cruise. You? RUFIO You have problem on cruise?

JACK: There's nothing to do here except sit in the sun next to wrinkled old ladies. (Taylor Enters and goes to bar overhearing conversation.) BARTENDER: Why don't you try the teen disco. JACK: Been there. It's filled with little dweebs who stand around the walls and stare at each other. RUFIO Is true.

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TAYLOR: I'm sorry to interupt but there's always the movie marathons in the theatre. JACK: They're playing Toy Story and Finding Nemo. (imitates seagulls in Nemo) ...mine! mine! mine! TAYLOR: Ok, well, there is on option open to me as Activities Director that might just interest you. Would you like to take a tour of the Bridge to see how a ship like this operates? JACK: Whoa...now that actually could be cool. TAYLOR: Great. I'll arrange it with Captain McDougall. JACK: Thanks. TAYLOR: I think I speak for all the staff here at Picture Perfect Cruises when I say that we are deeply concerned if your trip has been anthing less than picture perfect. So, it's all set. Meet me on the Promenade Deck at 8 p.m. tonight when my schedule is a little bit less hectic, and I will personally take you for your own private tour. JACK: Ok. Cool. I'll be there. TAYLOR: Wonderful. I'll see you then.

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(She leaves) JACK: Things are looking up, Rufio. RUFIO Is good for you but I still am smoothing wrinkled prunes. JACK: Well, now I just may be able to help you out with that. RUFIO Is no good. How can boy like you help Rufio? JACK: I can't make the ladies go away, but I may have something in my cabin that will help you relax a bit. (mimes smoking marijuana) RUFIO (misunderstanding) ...You want me kiss you? JACK: NO! Dude! Just come with me. You'll see. Ok Jack. kissing. RUFIO Take me there. But no JACK ...Dude! (they exit.) SCENE 5 INT.CASINO. TAYLOR (V.O.) Attention passengers. Tonight, shake your booty at the Rockin'

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Roldies Lip Sync Contest in the Blue Lagoon Lounge. SLOT MACHINE SOUNDS AS WE SEE ALBERT AND GEOFFREY IN FRONT OF A MACHINE. BOTH ARE CHEERING. ALBERT Come on seven...come on seven GEOFFREY Go grandpa...go...go ..go (They lose....again) GEOFFREY Damn. ALBERT Should we give it another try? GEOFFREY Grandpa, we've already tried a hundred times. ALBERT So, we'll try a hundred times more. The machine's got to pay off sometime. GEOFFREY Why bother? In the end, the machine just wins it all back. ALBERT (suprised by Geoff's remark.) You know, Geoff, you have to take chances sometimes. GEOFFREY I don't think chancing 100 bucks is worth winning 100 bucks. ALBERT You miss the point, Geoff. It's about having fun and just the adventure of playing. Winning is just extra.And when it happens, it

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makes the playing all the more worth it. GEOFFREY I guess. ALBERT Listen, life isn't going to be all you want it to be if you don't learn to take chances. GEOFFREY I take plenty of chances. ALBERT Like you did with that girl this afternoon? GEOFFREY Grandpa, not again. It was no big deal. I'm probably not even going to see her again. ALBERT Certainly not if you sit around with your grandfather in front of a slot machine. The boat's not that big, Geoffrey. Go find her and get to know her. GEOFFREY And what am I supposed to say to her, "My grandfather told me to stalk you to see if you'll talk to me"? ALBERT Where are you from? GEOFFREY Huh? ALBERT Where are you from? GEOFFREY Grandpa, what are you talking about? You know where I'm from.

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ALBERT I'm trying to start a conversation here, boy. Where are you from? GEOFFREY I'm from Oak Falls, Ohio...same as you. ALBERT And now a more important question: Where are you going? GEOFFREY What? ALBERT You heard me boy. Where are you going? GEOFFREY Right now I'm on a boat to the Bahamas. ALBERT And after that? GEOFFREY After that the boat turns around and we land back in Florida. ALBERT Is that all? Is that everywhere you're going? GEOFFREY I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm on this cruise and then I go back home. I'll finish school, hopefully go off to college, and if I'm lucky, when I die the town of Oak Falls will build a huge monument in honor of my unselfish devotion to Mother Theresa. How's that? ALBERT

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Now there's some of the fire that your father used to have. You're a lot like him, you know. GEOFFREY What?...I am? ALBERT I actually had to trick your father into asking out your mother for the first time. You did? GEOFFREY He never told me that.

ALBERT Do you think he'd admit to it? GEOFFREY What did you do? ALBERT Actually, pretty much the same thing that I did with you this morning. I knew he liked your mom, but he was so darned shy that he wouldn't do anything about it. So when we were at the 4th of July town picnic, I just flirted with her to force him to make a move. You know.... (waves like he did in the first scene with Hannah) GEOFFREY You're kidding. You did that to him too? What did he do? ALBERT Well, he was so mad at me for interfering that to get even he walked right up to your mom and asked her on a date to the summer fling dance. GEOFFREY And she said, "Yes"?

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ALBERT No, she turned him down. GEOFFREY What? But how...? ALBERT Seems that she already had a date and your father had waited too long. Eventually they got together, but you father had to figure out his strategy first. GEOFFREY A strategy? ALBERT Of course, You need to have a plan in mind for everything you do...a strategy. A winner never enters a poker game without a stategy, my boy...or even a conversation for that matter. GEOFFREY A strategy... (thinks this over) ALBERT A strategy...And your father turned into one of best strategists I've ever seen. GEOFFREY I miss him, Grandpa. ALBERT I know you do, son. GEOFFREY (thinks about it) Ok....a strategy. Do you mind if I go for a walk around the deck? ALBERT I was kinda hopin you would.

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GEOFFREY See ya, Grandpa. (He exits) ALBERT (turns back to the slots, puts in coin and pulls the lever) Ok baby, it's just you and me....come home to papa! SET TRANSITION: Bar and Casino become SR a corner of the Dining Room with one table and C the Bridge control room and CL the bow of the boat. The transition song "Under the Sea" from the movie "The Little Mermaid" plays. SCENE 6 EXT. BOW OF SHIP. EVENING. RUFIO AND JACK ENTER. BOTH HAVE BEEN SMOKING MARIJUANA RUFIO (laughing and stumbling) Oh Jack! Increible!. I never feel like this before. JACK: See...don't you feel better? RUFIO Si, much better. JACK: Whoa... (stumbles on deck) The floor's moving up here. RUFIO (arrives at front of bow and looks down) Jack, Look how high we are! JACK: DAMN...we are definitely high. RUFIO (points to Jack's pipe)

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Where you find such good medicine for Rufio? JACK: What? You've never smoked cheebs before? RUFIO Cheebs? What is cheebs? JACK: You know...pot. marijuana, cannibus, cheech chong, chrong, MaryJane...also known as...the good shit. RUFIO Oh...the good shit...I see...Hit me. JACK: Hit you? RUFIO Yes... (Jack hits him on the shoulder) Aie..No like that..hit me more. (indicates pipe) JACK: Oh, yeah...here take another hit. (gives him the pipe) RUFIO (inhales and starts to cough) JACK: What a newbe.... (looks at watch) Oh dude! It's almost 4:20. RUFIO 4:20? No...It is 7:30. JACK:

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It's 4:20 on the Jacktrain, dude. (takes a hit) RUFIO No, Jack...this is boat (gets a head rush) Oh..I feel so.... JACK: Baked? RUFIO Is that the word? JACK: Yeah....or high. RUFIO Well, Baked Rufio no more feel bad about saggy old ladies. I am free! JACK: (looks at the bowl) Ah Man...the bowl's almost kicked. RUFIO (runs to the front of the bow hands outstretched.) I want to fly, Jack, like pretty girl in movie!. JACK: (runs to grab him by the waist) Dude...no way. You'll fall off the ship! RUFIO Estoy Volando!!! I feel lighter than air. Hold me, Jack. JACK: (grabs Rufio by waist pull him back from the bow. Rufio stumbles and falls to the ground laughing.)

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OK, man, chill. What'd I tell you. No more old ladies to worry about. RUFIO Rufio... feel... like...dancing with young ladies. (starts to rumba alone) JACK: You are wasted, dude. (Rufio grabs Jack as his partner and dances around) RUFIO Dance with Rufio. JACK: Hey...What's your problem, dude. RUFIO (stops abruptly hearing the approach of Taylor) Wait...the lady...she comes. JACK: You're just paranoid. RUFIO No....is Taylor. JACK: (To himself) Shit, Jack....hide the nuggies. (turns and shoves pipe in pocket) (Taylor enters calling from off stage) TAYLOR: Whooo....Mr. Kendall. There you are. Thank you so much for meeting me. JACK: (pipe burns his leg) Aiiii. TAYLOR:

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Is something wrong, Mr. Kendall? JACK: I'm just surprised by how high we are......above the water, I mean. TAYLOR: Yes, it certainly is a thrilling sight. Well now, I have great news for you. I have arranged with Captain MacDougall for a wonderful picture perfect tour of our command bridge. JACK: (struggling to not laugh) Ah...yeah...that's just great. Oh, hey, can my bud Rufio come along with us? (Pause) ...unless, of course, you'd rather it just be the two of us. TAYLOR: Well, ah..no..ah...Rufio, Are you off duty? RUFIO I am FREE like bird (begins to flap wings. Jack shoots him a look) TAYLOR: Then I don't really see any harm as long as Mr. Kendall doesn't mind. JACK: Mind?...no...why would I mind? Let's just make it a party, why don't we! TAYLOR: Well, then it's settled. Now if you'll follow me, we'll head for the bridge and your picture perfect tour. JACK:

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Yeah...juuust perfect. (THEY EXIT HANNAH ENTERS AND WALKS TO RAILING ON DECK FOLLOWED SOON AFTER BY HER FATHER) Hi Hon. Hey Dad. DAVE: You having a good time? HANNAH: It's ok. It's a nice rest. Where's Mom? DAVE: Off with her new friend, Mabel, I think. I haven't seen her since...well, she's been acting a bit weird today. HANNAH: Weird? DAVE: She got a little angry this afternoon and threw my blackberry overboard. HANNAH: Really?... (Under her breath) Way to go, Mom. DAVE: What? HANNAH: Dad, don't you get it? She wants you to pay more attention to her. DAVE: You think? HANNAH: DAVE: Nice night out tonight. HANNAH:

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Yeah... DAVE: Really? HANNAH: Duh...why else would she throw your blackberry overboard? (Geoffrey comes out on deck, sees Hannah and waits further down the deck waiting to talk to her) DAVE: (laughs...dawns on him) Well, maybe you're right. I have been a bit preoccupied with work. HANNAH: A bit? DAVE: Ok...more than a bit...How did we raise such a smart daughter? HANNAH: How could I have such a clueless father? DAVE: Ouch....not so clueless. HANNAH: (to herself) I can't believe I'm saying this..... (to him) She wants you to romance her, Dad. DAVE: I know... That's what cruises are for... HANNAH: (sarcastic) Really?

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DAVE: Ok...I get it. Dave has noticed Geoffrey glancing over from time to time) Looks like your mother's not the only one looking for romance. HANNAH: What? DAVE: That boy over there. He seems very interested in talking to you. HANNAH: (looks back and notices Geoffrey) Oh... (a bit self conscious) ...Dad..you think it might be time to go and find Mom? DAVE: (teasing) Well, I don't know.... HANNAH: Daaad! DAVE: Ok...I know when I'm not needed. Anyway, maybe it's time that I put my own plan into action. HANNAH: What plan? DAVE: I don't know. Haven't thought of it yet...but I will. Don't stay out here too late. (kisses her on forehead) HANNAH: I won't DAVE:

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And thanks for being so smart. (Dave starts to leave and then turns) Oh, by the way, who is this Leo guy your mother keeps talking about? HANNAH: Dad, your cluelessness has reached epic proportions. DAVE: What?... HANNAH: Leonardo DiCaprio?.....Titanic? DAVE: Oh....clueless...got it...I'll leave now. HANNAH: Night, Dad. (DAVE exits. Hannah and Geoffrey play the glancing game again and eventually Geoffrey takes a deep breath and looks over catches her glance and waves like Albert did in the first scene) GEOFFREY (coming over to Hannah) I didn't want to interrupt. HANNAH: You didn't. That was just my dad being....a dad. (awkward pause) GEOFFREY I could tell. You seem to get along with him really well. HANNAH: We have our moments, but for the most part, he's a good guy.

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GEOFFREY You're lucky to be able to talk to him. HANNAH: Yeah...when I can pull him away from his cell phone. Don't you get along with your dad? GEOFFREY Uh..yeah..I.. (searches, unsure of what to say) HANNAH: (looks oddly at him) What's the matter? GEOFFREY My dad.... (can't yet say the word "died") I lost my dad a few months ago. HANNAH: Oh Geoff. I'm so sorry. I didn't realize... GEOFFREY It's ok. I'm kind of surprised that I even said anything. It was just that...well,...watching you and your father enjoying each other's company, I just wish he were still around so I could apend more time with him. HANNAH: Do you miss him a lot? GEOFFREY Yeah, I do...I dream about him still. And he seems so real. HANNAH: You must have loved him a lot. GEOFFREY

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Yeah...I mean I just...well I just wish I had gotten to know him better. HANNAH: Didn't you see him much? GEOFFREY Sure, I mean, he was like any typical dad, you know?....taught me how to ride a bike, how to throw a ball...he took me fishing. ..You know, the last time I saw him, he was leaving for a business trip. He always seemed to be going somewhere, and he was talking about taking me on a fishing trip. I didn't really want to go. I figured it would just be some lame male bonding thing, but I said I thought it would be fun, you know, just to put him off. I think as I got older we just had less and less to say to each other. And now...well, I just wish that I could go on that fishing trip. HANNAH: He sounds like he must have been a really great dad. GEOFFREY He was. (lights fade. Hannah and Geoff stay at bow during the next scenes.) SCENE 7 INT. DINING ROOM. THAT EVENING. DAVE AND IS ALONE AT THE TABLE KATE ENTERS HAVING COME BACK FROM THE POWDER ROOM. KATE (sits down and notices breadstick basket)

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Did you eat the last breadstick? DAVE: (unconvincingly) ...No..... KATE Great...This is just great; you always eat the last breadstick. DAVE: Calm down. It's just a breadstick. KATE No, it is not just a bread stick. You have got to learn to share Dave. Marriage is a two way street. DAVE: What? KATE You always take the last breadstick...take, take, take, take, take. When will it be my turn, Dave? DAVE: (clueless) ...to... take the breadstick? KATE No, you don't understand. I wanted the breadstick. I NEEDED the breadstick. You always take the things I need. DAVE: How can you NEED a breadstick? KATE It's a metaphor, Dave. DAVE: For what? KATE Your love.

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DAVE: What?? KATE You don't pay any attention to me. I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of inattention. DAVE: Would you like me to try and get another breadstick? KATE That won't solve anything. Nevermind, you'll never understand. WAITRESS: (brings them their dinner plates under silver dome cover) The lamb you ordered, sir. And the same for you, madame. Would you care for some more breadsticks? DAVE: No... (looks at Kate) Yes... (looks again at Kate) I have no idea! KATE Yes, we would love some breadsticks. WAITRESS: I'll be right back. Enjoy your meal. (WAITRESS leaves) KATE Dave, what's this? DAVE: Dinner. It's lamb. KATE You ordered my dinner for me?

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DAVE: Sure, you love lamb, don't you? KATE That's not the point. What if I wanted something else? DAVE: Well, we can call the waitress back. What did you want? KATE ...the lamb...but what if I felt like fettuccini alfredo or franks and beans...anything instead of this. (pulls off covered dome to reveal wrapped present) Dave...what's this? DAVE: Crow.... KATE What? DAVE: Just open it. KATE (opens the box to reveal the pink diamond ring from the store window in scene 3) Oh, Dave. It's the ring I wanted! I never thought you'd really get it for me. DAVE: Now why on earth not? I know I don't show it very often, and I let my work get in the way, but... (reveals cassette player under his silver dome. Pushes button which plays Titanic music)

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...not even Leo could love you as much as I do,Kate. (He kisses her. They freeze on stage. Lights dim and then come up Center stage) SCENE 8 INT. THE CONTROL BRIDGE. TAYLOR ENTERS FOLLOWED BY JACK AND RUFIO TAYLOR: Welcome to your picture perfect tour of the Colossus control bridge. From this very room, a professional crew of nagivators direct the ship's position, heading and speed 24 hours a day.Right here we have the Navigator's Log which records all the vital statistics affecting the ship's condition including air temperature, wind speed and direction, and sea conditions. JACK: Sweet. Look at all these video screens. What game do they play on this one? TAYLOR: Well, I'm not familiar with the individual navigational instruments, but Captain McDougall is just over there and I could ask... (intercom on Tayor's belt beeps and speaks) INTERCOM VOICE: Taylor...are you there? Taylor. TAYLOR: Excuse me, please. This should only take a moment. (she turns to the intercom)

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INTERCOM: Taylor...we have a code 19 on the Pelican Deck. JACK: Wow...Look at all these screens. This is awesome. RUFIO Is better than baking cheba cheba? TAYLOR: (returning) I'm sorry boys but I have an emergency to take care of? RUFIO What is problem? TAYLOR: The hermit crabs have escaped from the "Conserve Our Ocean Legacy" exhibit again. I have to get down there before they manage to creep into the shrimp dip in the Davy Jones Lounge. Captain MacDougall will be right over to continue your picture perfect tour. Until then, please don't touch any of the delicate instruments. I'll be right back (she exits) Hey dude! JACK: Check this out.

RUFIO What you find, Jack? JACK: They have Space Invaders up here, man. RUFIO What is Space Invaders? JACK:

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It's an old video game, dude. I used to be an awesome player. RUFIO How you play? Teach Rufio to invade spacers. JACK: Ok...you see this little dot? That's us and we move with... (looks around for joystick) I guess this controller. Sweet...Uh oh. RUFIO What is it? JACK: Check out this huge dot. It's one of the invaders. RUFIO What we do? JACK: Aim for it and blast it out of the sky. RUFIO Where is blaster? JACK: Probably that big red button by you. Quick...Go! Go! Go! Hit it...Fire the missiles! Fire! (Rufio hits the "Abandon ship" alarm. Red lights flash. Alarm sounds.) YESSS! We Win! (Jack and Rufio give each other high fives and dance around the control room while chaos ensues. Lights fade and they freeze) SCENE 10

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EXT. BOW OF BOAT, FURTHER DOWN THE RAILING, CONTROL BRIDGE, RESTAURANT ALARMS SOUND. WE HEAR THINGS LIKE "MAN THE LIFTBOATS""GO TO YOUR LIFESTATIONS" "THIS IS NOT A DRILL". LIGHTS FLASH AND CHAOS IS SEEN THROUGH THE SHADOWS. EVENTUALLY IN THIS LAST SCENE OF VIGNETTES, THE THREE "BASE" SCENES ARE LIT UP INDIVIDUALLY AS THE LINES ARE SAID AND EVERYTHING ELSE FREEZES. THEN THE CHAOS REOCCURS UNTIL THE NEXT VIGNETTE. THE PACING SHOULD BUILD

KATE (still in restaurant) Dave. This is unbelievably romantic and everything but I think asking the crew to re enact the sinking of the Titanic is going a little too far, don't you think? DAVE: I didn't set this up. I'm not that good! KATE Oh my God! SOUND AND LIGHT CHAOS AGAIN. THEN CUT TO VIGNETTE TWO ON BRIDGE TAYLOR: (rushing in) What did you do? CAPTAIN MCDOUGALL (pushing through to controls) Out of my way! Who in heaven's name set off that alarm? JACK/RUFIO: (point to each other) HE DID IT! TAYLOR I thought I told you boys not to touch anything.

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JACK We thought it was a game. TAYLOR A game?? This is disasterous. CAPTAIN MCDOUGALL (on ship intercom) Attention: This is Captain McDougall. All passengers will please calmly proceed to their emergency stations. CHAOS AGAIN, THEN CUT TO VIGNETTE THREE TO RESTAURANT KATE Tell me you will always love me, Dave, no matter how this turns out. DAVE: Kate, don't be silly. KATE (getting into it) You and me, lovers clinging to eachother as we watch our ship sink into the icy sea. DAVE: We're in the Bahamas. KATE It's so cold, (grabs him) Hold me Dave...and never let go...never let go. DAVE: Kate, we're fine. KATE Just SAY it, Dave! DAVE: Oh... (realizing that she wants to be romanced. He grabs her.)

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I'll never let go. (THEY FREEZE AS THEIR LIGHTS GO OUT) CHAOS AGAIN, THEN CUT TO VIGNETTE FOUR ON BOW OF SHIP MABEL: (Heading frazzled towards the bow, carrying a life jacket and gesturing to a running sailor who ignores her) Oh Sailor..sailor? Excuse me. A little help with my lifejacket please. ALBERT (enters and sees her) May I perhaps be of assistance. (helps her with her lifejacket) MABEL: Thank you. I can't believe we're sinking. ALBERT I don't know. The ship doesn't seem to be going down. MABEL: This is so typical! ALBERT Excuse me? MABEL: I spent this whole cruise trying to get a man and this is how it's going to end?... (looks at Albert differently) Oh well...any port in a storm. (She grabs Albert and kisses him. Hannah and

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Geoff still on the bow witness this) ALBERT Oh my gentle Jesus, God's sent me an angel! (kisses her back) GEOFFREY Grandpa! What are you doing? ALBERT (releases from kiss) Bait the hook, Geoffrey. Bait the hook! LIGHTS FADE TO THE SOUND OF ALARMS CONTINUING. END